#I CANT EVEN BE MAD BC THEYRE SO REAL AND VALID FOR THAT

[l-capitan]

YO WHICH ONE OF YOU IS SO DOWN BAD FOR THIS ELDRITCH OLD MAN

[zzxya]

.

[tottymatsuno]

One of these days i wanna actually draw out this whole scene instead of sketching it but dhahsbi talked aboit this w hollie and think their dynamic is rly interesting to watch esp as Touhi ages.

Read more if u dare

So as a preface, these are characters i made for two aus that just kinda became the same au. One of it was a fic I wrote called baby blues, and the other was the "old au" that i previously shared with another person.

The old au was about second chance love when you're an older person/after hitting rock bottom. And it involved a younger design of todomatsu from an episode in s3. Since i couldnt ship with that totty, i decided to recycle his design as my son! However since this was a second chance love story, thematically Todomatsu needed to be a single father of the character, and thus thats how Goonie was created!

So his mother passed away during childbirth, and since irl I'm baby crazy, and was a coworker/unofficial work wife (bc i look eerily similar to his home wife), we end up sleeping w each other a few months after the baby is born for mutually pathetic reasons. Then kinda move in together bc Todomatsu's grieving and very very resentful towards his son to the point where he cant even give the baby a proper name at first. So initially his name is Matsuno Matsumatsu 😭

Anyways thats the big crux of the au. Ive written about Totty's dynamic with Goonie (a nickname i chose for silly reasons i dont care abojt getting into, but its a personal one) where there isn't any grief and its wildly different where theyre mutually loving and cute together as parent and child, which is unfortunately a not relationship theyll ever have jn this au.

When touhi is little hes very sweet and kind and innocent except when hes angry, bc when hes angry he vents all of his frustration about the emotional neglect Todomatsu has specifically for him. And it takes Todomatsu a LONG time to fully get over the loss of his late wife. Like two whole sets of twins later. So totty is kinda openly blaming him the entire relationship

Which makes me spoil him a lot in comparison, which touhi also notices and it makes him even more mad because I'm not as strict with him as everyone else, out of pity so he feels like he's not *really* my son bc of it.

This all comes to a head multiple times when touhis a teenager but i think its more realistic that each time it happens, even if his emotions are validated and accepted, and even if we try to do right by him, that Touhi never receives any closure for it. Eventually he feels even more complex because we do love him, and have apologized to him, but it doesnt really help bc what he wants is to be able to further justify his own poor behavior but can't bc he doesn't have the excuse of "well my parents dont love me and never said sorry"

When we do.

Anyways i always thought touhi would be the only one to inherit tottys delayed puberty, but unlike Todomatsu who began HRT after graduating high school, touhi was considered pretty popular with his age group and suffered no real set backs, and waited until he went thru puberty naturally in his mid 20s.

His relationship mellows out significantly post puberty and post angsty teenage years, esp when Todomatsu transitions. He gets this weird sort of idea that since Todomatsu’s no longer his father, he could be the better version of her since he has the same face.

So he and Chichi, who like. Still thinks he's cool despite him being a fuckboy (Tima sorta hates his guts for it tho bc she basically sees it as if hes using his generally happy upbringing as an excuse to be a slut and play around with his peers feelings for literally no reason and tbh shes right for it but i cant judge bc hes my son and i support him right or wrong) are like. Both trying to be cooler than Todomatsu.

So Todomi or whichever name i settled on kinda just side eyes them, and this rly breaks both of their confidence in the matter since Touhi later realizes his mullet really was stupid and Chichi wears those big ass dorky glasses and they both actually really respected and was influenced by Totty's style when she was all dressed up.

Anyways Touhi grows up kinds being in between being a silly cutie, and actually succeeding with the whole heart-breaker thing Todomatsu tried to do around his age.

I get the feeling tho he's not gonna ever claim any kids he does happen to have in the future, and cant see him getting married, but he'd definitely be a fun uncle.

You all must click my uncropped and quickly done sketches of my children to understand her headache. Here they are thru out the years.

[bugunlikeanangel]

i had to leave class early for a mild emergency but i feel so BAD about it because im pretty much ensuring that nobody in my class can get ANY work done today

[karlnaping]

// ranboo situation

im gonna say this as as my opinion and lesbians feel free to drop your opinions bc im curious about what the rest of you think too

if you havent yet heard about ranboos apolgoy, he basically was apologizing for screenshots of his discord back in october when he joked about being a "lesbian himbo man" and generally being told that he dresses like a lesbian

now, as a lesbian i was originally very confused about why he was apologizing, and it's because that joke came from lesbians. same with the "cant believe tommys a lesbian" clip and people calling george a cottagecore lesbian with his mushroom house. it was a very popular joke among lesbians at the time, and obviously its almost impossible to know if a chat member or a dono is coming from a lesbian, but in the situation that it is or generally lesbians making the joke, i feel like its fair game for streamers to play along/repeat it, because for the most part lesbians arent uncomfortable abt it because they were the ones who started it

obviously, the issue is when non-lesbians start to make the joke. because i do get the "dont enforce lesbian stereotypes/use them as an aesthetic/make them the butt of jokes" when it comes to non-lesbians, which is the same for like,,, any sexuality really. (for any lesbians, tho, feel free to make the joke because you Are allowed to)

the issue is that mcyttwt and the fandom in general just keeps coming back to digging up old clips and screenshots over and over again even though we keep saying stop, and its always a minority that doesnt actually affect them. (90% sure the person who first brought up the screenshot wasnt even lesbian) this happened with the karl situation, despite it being obvious that he changed and obviously doesnt support any form of antisemitism/homophibia/racism. ranboos situation may seem a little bit different because it was only 6 months ago, but even still, ranboo caught himself and deleted the screenshots a While before they were brought up recently. he's been nothing but supportive to the entire lgbtq+ community, of course he's not going to be lesphobic. (personally i dont even consider the comments lesphobic, bc again, popular joke at the time, but to each their own) literally all youre achieving is reminding minorities that sometimes people suck.

at the same time though, people change, which is why bringing up screenshots and clips that dont reflect who ccs are anymore is just ridiculous at this point imo

i also think its different sexuality-wise compared to jokes about race or religion because unlike race which you can see right away, or typical religious indicators, sexuality isnt something that can exactly be defined unless verbally being told. like a lot of people say, youre white before youre anything else. thats not something that you can hide. (again, saying this as a white lesbian, so lmk if im out of line for this. also not trying to say that lgbtq+ oppression isnt real, relevant, or severe)

i will say, although i personally believe the apology was unnecessary and just kind of annoying that mcyttwt does this like once a month (i say as a member of mcyttwt), im glad he owned up to something and told people to both not say he did anything wrong because he Did make a mistake, telling people its ok and understandable if they dont support him anymore/he wont be mad, as well as turn off chat and ask people to not accept the apology if theyre not lesbian, as well as make multiple tweets about it. i think going forward in the event that a cc DOES make that kind of mistake and its ACTUALLY recent and not an old screensh, if they choose to address it on stream this should be the standard

and thats not to say that its not valid if it did make you uncomfortable if you are lesbian because no lesbian is the same nor have the same experiences. so however you choose to take the situation/his apology is up to you.

tl;dr i personally accept ranboo's apology as a lesbian even though i think it wasn't rly necessary bc he was just repeating a joke that lesbians had already made (as well as one i personally do not find offensive) and we should once again stop bringing up old screenshots and clips from ccs if they dont reflect their opinions anymore, ESPECIALLY if its a minority group youre not in because its not actually helping anyone. i do think his apology was well executed tho for being on stream and should be the standard for the future.

at the end of the day, watch who you wanna watch, support who you wanna support, just dont speak over minority groups, bring up old stuff thats not relevant to any minority group youre in, or accept apolgies if youre not apart of the affected minority group

feel free to yell at me, this is just my opinion. lesbians lmk y'alls takes

[eruhatesu]

what if sorcerers who want to marry nonsorcerers have to get approval from the heads of the 3 great families. usually those from lesser known families and sorcerers who are proportionally weak are granted approvals but their partners are then never allowed to communicate with anyone inside the community beside their partners. theyre not invited to any community events.

when utahime asks for approval to get married to a nonsorcerer, gojo approved it..... but with heavy restrictions. she will never be allowed to talk to other sorcerers basically a persona non grata to the sorcerer community (is not even allowed to talk to her own family). everyone was shocked with the decision considering shes from a lesser known family and basically "weak". gojo explained that since she was a teacher to several top sorcerers, she can basically be used for information. she also have personal relationships with sorcerers who are considered vital to the community which makes her a threat if used.

but everyone knows the real reason. gojo and utahime were exes and gojo was being petty but his reasons were also kinda valid. she was close to a clan head and was a teacher to future clan heads. utahime was mad but does get the reason behind the restrictions and thus had to break up with her fiance since she cant imagine not talking to her family and friends. this event created more rift between gojo and utahime.

now everyone in their community can see how trapped utahime is, all because she fell in love with the strongest sorcerer.

OMG HONEY, THE SAUCE. I love it. It’s so tasty

This is like a whole ass fic and I love what’s happening and also the possible path where this can go.

This is like the divorce couple gojohime but make it more ✨ hurtful ✨

I got several question I want u to answer bc this ask now lives in my brain like a worm. I need answers ;_;

1) is utahime gonna be able to hurt gojo as the same??

2) is gojo gonna pursue her after how he basically imprisoned with the restrictions?

3) or is gojo just gonna be more petty and fuck around?

4) why did gojo and uta broke up in the first place? 👀 (I got a feeling it’s gojo’s fault and now he doesnt know what to do bc of the guilt so he’s doing the unthinkable and pettiest shit, trap utahime—- literally “if I canthave her bc I fucked things up with her, then no one can”)

[pansy-picnics]

OUGJJGG OKAY!!! YES!!! UR SO REAL FOR THIS…..I READ THAT BOOK ACTUALLY BC OF HOW DESPERATE I WAS FOR LANCE CONTENT. AND I HAVE. SO MANY THOUGHTS ABT IT AND LIKE. A LOT OF MIXED FEELINGS. 😭 i want to ramble abt this rq so spoilers for that book for anyone else obvs

BECAUSE THE LITTLE DETAILS MAKE ME SOOOOO ILL OKAY. IM SO NORMAL ABOUT HOW EUGENE WAS THE PROTECTIVE ONE WHO RUSHED INTO THINGS AND LANCE WAS THE QUIETER MORE OBSERVANT ONE. IM SO NORMAL ABOUT HOW THEY PARALLEL KIERA AND CATALINA BECAUSE OF THAT. HI.

also i was just SO glad to see lance have a bigger point in the plot ESPECIALLY THAT PART WHERE HE GOT MAD AT EUGENE LIKE THAT WENT SO HARD AND FOR NO REASON??? i’m so normal about lance strongbow Okay

i also adored them having their own little found family back at the orphanage and the barons whole thing being a traveling circus actually fits SO well. but i also had a lot of Issues with that book considering all the major plot inconsistencies it makes my autism brain go wild and not in a good way. like the implications of there being a fourth (5th?) brotherhood member because?????? Plot convenience IDK???? some of it was way more minor like the fact that eugene and lance technically grew up in vardaros and not corona but since that was never actually mentioned in the show and the supposed “episode” that was supposed to focus on it that got scrapped is kind of just an alleged thing we cant know for sure whether that was an actual plan or not. (its canon to me though even if it wasnt. its like vat7k to me its just too good not to be. lance sabotaging eugenes adoption when they were kids because he didnt want to be alone and that baggage getting dug up when theyre both adults its so. OUGHJGGG. DELICIOUS character development for the both of them)

I ALSO FELT LIKE THE ENDING AND CLIMAX WAS JUST OVERALL RLLY UNSATISFYING BUT THATS KIND OF JUST A PERSONAL THING??? idk i love the detail about how eugenes mom died though, i love the extra scraps of lance content, as someone who read it solely for the character interactions i give it like a solid 8/10. sorry u did not even ask for my whole essay abt how i feel about this book but i don’t really see a lot of people talk about the books aside from like. obviously the Gay Bible (the lost lagoon) which. so fucking valid actually that book goes so hard. but yeah i get really excited when ppl bring up the rise of flynn rider bc despite my own personal grievances w the book i really liked all the little details and i pulled a lot of them to consider as my own canon like i do with most of the books since they all gotta be taken with a grain of salt kinda

also ur so right about eugene and lances relationship. they’re like super close homies who wouldn’t ever want to be in any romantic or sexual relationship with one another but theyve DEFINITELY made out like at least once just for “practice”

any thoughts about eugene/lance and the stabbingtons (and maybe stalyan?) when they were younger…….ur stabbingtons content intetests me im curious about how you’d interpret that dynamic….i would also just LOVE to see how u draw lance im so desperate for content of him and i think hed look so good in ur style 😭

Oh my god I'm so totally normal about them ALL. So sorry if this reply is really long lmao

I'll be honest, I Did Not Give A Shit about the Stabbingtons as anything more than a plot device to make Eugene's life harder until a friend said "Sideburns Stabbington trans" and that perfectly lines up with my philosophy that "the only people with sideburns are transmascs and JSchlatt" (/j) which made me actually think about them more, lol. THEN, I read the Lost Legends book, The Rise of Flynn Rider and y'all it was all over for me after that. The Stabbingtons are carnies that worked at The Baron's circus, and like, my love for anything clown, circus, and carnival related grabbed my by the fuckin throat and there was no coming back from that one sjsskssk

So most of my HCs about the group come from that book specifically, which takes place when Eugene is 12 (almost 13) years old! Lance is the same age, and the Stabbies are "a little bit older".

Without going into a synopsis of the whole book and trying to stay on topic, Lance and Eugene met the Stabbingtons after joining The Baron's traveling circus. They also met Stalyan during that time, and Eugene specifically described her as "the only girl he'd ever met who wore pants" lol

And with that, here's some HCs lol

Despite Lance and Eugene being super close, I don't think they were all ever friends, moreso just working for the same people and working together when it was convenient outside of that. (ie, they all worked for The Baron at some point, but in the movie Eugene works with the Stabbies outside of that)

Sometime in their teen years, the guys all tried stuff together, like, "experimenting" with their sexualities for lack of a better term. Horny teens, lol.

Lance and Eugene dated for a while at some point, but eventually realized they weren't really into each other romantically or sexually, and would rather just be friends!

The Stabbingtons are 100% the type of guys that would do some gay shit, then call Eugene or Lance a slur for doing the exact same thing (wow, they're gay AND homophobic! /j)

Stalyan and Eugene dated on and off for YEARS like that one prep/jock couple from highschool that you never know when they're together or not because one of them will talk about marriage while the other says they're "taking a break"

I'm too eepy to be more coherent and this post is already so long but I have so many thoughts about The Rise of Flynn Rider, and the Stabbingtons specifically dskjfhdjksf like how the book straight up tells us how Eugene's mom died, and gives us small stuff that I'm latching onto so hard like where Lance got the name Lance Strongbow, and part of why Patchy doesn't talk, and that he likes the color green dfgdfgf

(also i prommy i'll draw lance just for u)

[skips-is-asleep]

Ranking All The Sollux Ships In Character Order

Firstly i wanna make it clear that i headcanon sollux as bisexual (fucking obviously) so genders not a factor in any of my reads of the ships

June/Sollux: This one’s really crack-ey. I used to be super fucking into it but now it’s like…only good in theory i guess. 3/10

Rose/Sollux: Pale? Perhaps. Ive seen some good stuff for them pale, it’s pretty interesting to think about, especially considering how similar he is to Dave and how THEY get along together. 4/10 Potential

Dave/Sollux: Like i said, i read sollux and dave as pretty clear character parallels. Dave might get a kick out of verbally T-Bagging him but i think Sollux would quickly get annoyed, perhaps a spur of the moment pitch fling? maybe theyre pitch friends with benefits but only very rarely and sollux cant stand him any other time? All good ideas! 5/10

Jade/Sollux: I could definitely see it! Theyre first meeting has them hitting it off pretty well, I think sollux would really like her, but i dunno if she’d really like him all that much. 5/10

Aradia/Sollux: Timeless, literally. Flavor is immaculate. I prefer them pale FOR SURE, and i always have. Ive never read any of their relationships, chemistry, or conversations as THAT kind of romantic, but i think its super valid for people who do read it that way 12/10

Tavros/Sollux: TavSol is SO UNDERRATED. It’s SO CUTE. Tavros would be comfortable enough to sass Sollux just right and sollux would be taken so off guard by it, he’d find it hilarious, like a baby saying a swear word. They’re fidusspawn buddies, theyre Friend’s with Aradia Buddies, like theyre actually so fucking cute, open your eyes 6/10

Karkat/Sollux: Do i have to talk about this one. Do i have to– Okay so This is Actually The Best Sollux Ship Ever Ya;ll are Wrong About Everything And I Am Right 20000000000000000/10

Nepeta/Sollux: I dont have a lot to say about this one. Does anyone? I dont know a lot about nepeta and i dont have any friends who love her, so i could only guess if she’d actually want to get along with him, or if his personality would be offputting to her. Then again, she canonically had/has a crush on karkat, so maybe sollux’s Ability To Respect Women would make him look appealing. Maybe she’d ask him for advice on how to ask out karkat and hed WANT to give her bad advice because he wants to piss off and embarrass karkat, but nepeta just looks so innocent and genuine in her feelings, he can’t bring himself to do it 5/10

Kanaya/Sollux: Pale, obviously and WOW, top notch. Theyre very very good friends, good moirails, she mothers the hell out of him and he does little errands for her. She taught him how to mend his own clothes so he can do it himself and not depend on her, but they still do it together. Also if you read that one really dumb fic i wrote, i headcanon that they have tea parties even though sollux doesnt like tea 8/10

Terezi/Sollux: Pale again, very VERY cute. Writing this fic was so much fun, i loved how they interact with each other here. And in the comics, he’s so  surprised that she calls him cool like “oh my god she thinks im cool” AndD WHEN HE WENT BLIND SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON HE WANTED TO TALK TO THATS SO CUTE WHY DONT MORE PEOPLE SHIP THIS 8.5/10

Vriska/Sollux: sound byte of that clip from Weird Al’s “I’ll sue ya” Do i even need a reason?? 0/10

Equius/Sollux: Okay ya know what, THIS IS A GOLDMINE yall are SLEEPING on equisol. My friends cannot get me to stop talking about this, but i dont think ive had the opportunity here to talk about it. Imagine Equius just flat out not believe that sollux is at all capable as a psionic bc he’s so scrawny and wimpy, and even when sollux grinds his teeth into the pavement, it still frustrates him that he could be so much STRONGER if he put the effort into it, “You could be strong in TWO WAYS, sollux” and yeah that does sound appealing to him, but seeing equius get so fucking mad that he’s not ripped but is still able to knock his ass down is so funny it’s almost not attractive. He definitly doesn’t tell people he has a pitch crush on equius, ESPECIALLY NOT KARKAT ARE YOU KIDDING and threatens equius at gun point not to tell anyone because could you image, suave, cool, adorkable, gets all the ladies sollux is in a kismesistude with EQUIUS, GOD. Have ya’ll even read that paradox space comic with the two of them i swe– 9/10

Gamzee/Sollux: That same fic i linked earlier is also a pretty good interaction between them that i like? Sollux just. Cannot stand him. At all, and it’s so funny. Maybe it’s a little, tiny tiny bit pitch, he just wants to strangle him in a way that’s not ENTIRELY platonic cause maybe he’s kind of hot in a deranged  clown way? 5/10

Eridan/Sollux: Wheres the flavor? i dont taste anything, nutmeg, cinnamon, I don’t tast–No but for real, no offense to fellow homestuck old fans, erisol is kind of trash. I ADORE them when theyre beating each other within an inch of their lives. Like, sollux dropping a mall on Eridan as a “warning” and eridan shooting at him in the sky is GOLD. I prefer erisolkat, perhaps when eridan and sollux are stuck alone for way too long and have to “pass the time” somehow, and by pass the time, see how many times i can stab you before you pass out, and karkat has to take the knives away 4/10

Feferi/Sollux: This one is good, an old classic, but @zeldasoft-art made a really fucking funny post about what if they’re only pretending to date each other to piss eridan off and i lost my fucking marbles 8/10

Jane/Sollux: im not even gonna– 0/10

Roxy/Sollux: hacker buddies, tech buddies, computer buddies. Like if rivalry and one-up-manship, typical kismesis behavior had a red/pale counterpart. I feel like they’d have a lot of fun making projects together  and contests but they wouldnt be that mean or violent.

Dirk/Sollux: This is. A little bit of a guilty pleasure for me. This is basically equisol, but dirk is mean to sollux in sollux’s brand of mean, and shares sollux’s sense of humor. Imagine the two of them getting into hard roasting each other, getting more and more mean with insults until Sollux tries to make a move on him and that last insult hurt a little hard so dirk gets a little pouty or misty in the eyes cause you don’t diss a man’s MLP collection dude, those got him through a lot of rough times. The fact that dirk made Hal at all makes him like 50% more attracted to him 8/10

Jake/Sollux: He would love bullying him, so much. I dunno if there’s any romance in it or if he just hates jake in the not fun away and wants to make him cry 3/10

[forcedsense]

People always get so offended when I tell them that I’m allowed to call myself an idiot/dumb/whatever but theyre not allowed to call me that and then get mad at me if i call them out on it while playing games oe whatever (not abt the rpc this is abt the rl ex friend lol) and im just like;;; we might share autism but heres the thing, I’m allowed to call myself an idiot bc i live with myself. You’re not allowed to insult me because a: its rude, and b: you’re literally calling me an idiot due to my not having a sense of direction and play styles due to my disabilities.

The very fact people STILL dont understand why insulting someone for their disabilities, or flat out saying ‘your lack of attention just proves youre the worse xx player ever!!’ is literally just ableism and offensive is why i have trust issues and am tired of other people. I am allowed to joke about my problems because I have to live with them, and in manyways yes I am just an idiot, like how I was an idiot for not realizing that a grown ass man one month younger than me always relying on me to pay for shit to do w him, guilting me out of things i want to do because he decided it was stupid, insulting half the shit i liked saying it and anyone who enjoys it is stupid, regularly using the R-slur when something dumb is done/happens (ableism aGAIN), refusing to get a license because he ‘doesnt feel like it’, doesnt even try to get a job anymore after a few rejections (which, I’ve applied hundreds of places and never even received a rejection, so im starting to wonder the validity of those statements too) and saying its because his mother wants to force him into one, abusing his siblings by screaming at them and gaslighting them constantly, but I’m the idiot and the asshole because I’m disabled, or I don’t always think first before soing things (which has led to my doing shitty or stupid things, but I have the remarkable capability of admitting when I was wrong unlike these fuckheads who, when you flat out explain in detail what they did wrong, claim youre gaslighting and abusing them when youre telling them its inappropriate and wrong to guilt trip, be ableist, insult others intelligence, and ignoring when people ask you to stop, and all the times he joined my streams and would use my birth name after I asked him not to and to use my pen/alias, always accounting it to ‘forgetting’ but after 30+ times of being told, its no longer forgetting, like thats just putting unnecessary risk and ignoring personal preferences. I won’t even go into all the bitchfits about ‘gender discussion’ or anything because it still makes me sick and gave me severe imposter syndrome for my body dysmorphia.

Respect the disableds wishes, We should not have to explain this to you. Basic human decency should just be a given, and someone telling you in detail why what youre doing is wrong, and ignoring it and repeating it again (I’ve told him before that insulting me, calling me names, and otherwise hurt my feelings and I don’t want to risk any relapses. He ignored these and continued, he’d screencap my making mistakes and putting bad things in the wrong chat, and when I would apologize for what I did when I was wrong, he’d still hold it over my head and claim I suicide baited when I didn’t. I say whats happening and assume its fine since i was always there for him when he needed me, even after he actualy suicide baited me by claiming my using a joke on him he repeatedly used on me made him suicidal and that i owed him an apology, ive literally been walking on eggshells for years and finally not having him in my life has actuallybeen so much more freeing than I ever thought it would be. )

Disabled people are very often the centerfold of abusive relationships because we’re so used to the mistreatment that its almost a fucked up comfort, we feel like our complaining about mistreatment is us ‘overreacting’ because the able bodied constantly convince us it is. That we’re always the problem whether we make mistakes or do something bad and that our apologies are always fake and wrong, but when people do horrible things to us we’re not owed an apology, rather we always owe them. It’s fucked up and wrong, and honestly exhausting. We’re not punching bags to make the able bodied feel better about themselves. Whats fucked up is hes also autistic, and should know better, but is so self possessed that all the friendships hes lost and regained over the years have never been his fault, he was always ‘being abused’ by everyone, everyone somehow is always in love with him and gaslighting him, and ive come to terms with the fact its a mental fuck up of a self centered individual so narcissistic that he cant handle the idea hes ever in the wrong.

If I talkedabout this to people, they would claim I was in the wrong for not worrying about his feeings more or ‘putting up with it because it helps him feel better, he goes through a lot at home’. Being treated shittily doesnt give you a free pass to abuse your supposed friends. His dads a piece of shit and his mom (who honestly was an amazing person as far as I saw and his siblings would talk about. but he personally always claimed she’d turn into a monster randomly for saying he should get a job or try to succeed in life, and for applying for jobs for him that e purposefully failed the interviews for. These are the exact reasons he’d bitch about her, and occasionally because he’d overhear hee claiming he was wasting his life, which is horrible to hear but still does not excuse insulting your friends, belittling their success, insulting them for their disabilities, and going through your friends for supply and then dumping them and ‘accepting them back after they apologize’ whenever you need more validation. My family life is fucked to high heaven and I still try to be kind to people, I still try to educate people, and I still do my best even if I fuck up. And when I fuck up, I own up to it and apologize. Something people always ignore and pretend never happened, because to them the disabled are incapable of apologies.

Stop talking over us, stop treating us like shit, and stop purposefully hurting us, our feelings, insulting us, and using us to make you fee better. We are not punching bags, we are real people with real issues and all your shitty behavior does is add to it.

[theday]

tagged by @astrofireworks and @softshouyous thank you both :D

if u stumble across this read it and validate my humour

what’s your favourite song(s) to sing/hum? the lame answer is that i dont hum/sing but the reality is that whnever my friends sing a song i get . the urge to sing along too so whatever song theyre doing 

what’s your favourite flower/tree/plant? unlike vivi i dont hvae  a story on trees (which was interesting to read) i just like the succ plants theyre cute also i like pickig up fallen leaves (small ones) theyre fuzzy :D

favourite colours? foolish answer is blue but the real answer is most colours  r nice so the rainbow 

what do you always doodle? my oc(s) (who never returned from war) or fave chracter at the time.... 

how do you take your coffee/tea? i have my water plain if its bottled i like dasani my one nd only... for real tho i only ever drink mocha frappe but i dont drink it often bc its a pain in the ass (throat) and its expensive i like my tea with 2 or more packets of sugar bc i cant. do that shit i mean i actually can but . i just prefer water this is a dumb question someone remove it. 

favourite candle scent? lavender? ive never intercted with a single candle my whole life but the laundry detergent smell is nice too

sunrise or sunset? both.. <3  what perfume do you wear? my body odour 

what’s your go-to dance move when you’re alone? my last answer makes me laughfhjfggsgh and breathing

favorite quote? honest 2 god i dont have one and im not gonna google one but somoething i said to falen a few days back is that if youre worried about your appearance just remember that the one whos looking at u isnt . you its the peolpe u see so like lol theyre the ones who hav 2 look at my ugly face not me bitch! this is a terrible quote sorry let me google my home boy mozarts words real quick

the quality makes me laugh anyway who out here googling mozart in jungle minhyuk is actually mozart? someone cast mozart in lotj asap. 

the second one... well said legend <3

favourite self care routine(s)? sleeping, binge watching anime/reading manga, letting myself do nothing everyday (basically everyday love selfcare xD) and . allowing myself to blow 24 dollars on stupid cards . end me

fuzzy socks or house slippers? house slippers i used to wear lots wheni was a kid now i dont i love the feeling of tiles under my feet when i go pom pom around the house i laugh at my neighbours below me

what colour are your eyes? really dark brown is the exaggeration its probably close to black actually never mind we did this thing in biology class where we shined a light into each others eyes and the pupil dilated so fast?? not the point anyway my friend told me my eye is actually brown so im not lying

what’s your favourite eye colour on others? to be honest i copied this from jen bc shes the least active so itd be easy to find a copy ripdhgfghshgg anyway i thought she said she likes translucent eyes i like cow eyes they have long eyelashes i dissected a bulls eyes last month iin fact tfihjhhd bfuck . no one even reads these im mad im funny ? i like any eye colour im just used to seeing dark brown eyes

favourite season? why? not summer. everything else is chill because theres wind but wind appears for like 1 sec here thanks ! 

cheek, neck, or nose kisses? cheek nd neck sound cute but id rather die thanks^2

what does your happy place look like? ive said it before but the breeze blowing gently at the curtains, the sunshine flowing in, an apartment with just me and my friend/a pet idk thats the life ig anywhere but here tbh

favourite breed of dog? when i was younger i was obsessed with jack russells for whatever reason now i like. any dog is a good dog

do you ever want to be married? no

cursive or print? both r nice as long as its not bin’s handwriting 

favourite weather? sunshine poking out from behind the clouds and a gentle breeze!! just gonna use jens answer bc yeah. thats a whole mood i need wind and cooling weather in my life but tomorrow dont u dare rain get those water vapour anyway from me say no to high humidity

tagging @hyunghoney james heres a distraction :D!!!!! 

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #13: "im so EMO (TION)" - Bryce

I cant believe that im still here. And we have majority. 3 vs 2. Matt is coming to me know saying that he wants to work with me but like. Bruh. But that could be good tho having him. I have to see what happens with immunity first.

OKOKOKOK CAN WE JUST DISCUSS HOW AM I A FUCKING GOAT. FIRST OF ALL Jock destroyers was a pretty dominant alliance i played a SNITCH RAT GAME with exposing plans and i was lied to but like can i get some credit here like first of all it was my fucking ideal to even force a tie, bryce wanted sharky out he didn't want rocks i wanted rocks when my ass was literally on the line here and i was still willing to go to rocks because i don't want to be a fucking goat and do what bryce or sharky wants this is the only way i could get brian SHARKYS #1 ALLY out of the game so that you know who sharky's #1 ALLY IS NOW FUCKING ME. so you know what yeah i'm a goat, greatest of all time actually and i at least deserve some level of credit or respect here to pull some shit off like this. only person on the fucking tribe with the balls to do this shit and i don't even have balls. OK BYE.

i literally dont have words. i keep having meltdowns and like its so not like me i usually just treat games as fun but im just so upset bc brian went home when we could have prevented it and now im in a spot where annabelle and sharky control things and im basically going to get 5th. i really thought i was doing something and life came at me real quick and said learn ur place KJFSHKJDFHSKJ. like the play anna made was smart so go her i just hate that i got played and that brian left with the vote steal and that my game is ruined and i came so far and i thought i was playing alright also i hate how everyone and their mother keeps calling me out for playing the middle KJSFHFKS like grow up and shade me in ur confessionals not to my face im SENSITIVE AUBRY. basically the point is: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/506665419092918273/541697763788980225/image0.jpg

I'm SHOCKED. I swore to Annabelle I wouldn't right her name down. And yet she writes my name down! And just as I was thinking I could trust Bryce HE RALLIES VOTES AGAINST ME! I'm so pissed off, and scared, and hurt, and now I have to scramble to figure something out.

Okay let recap everything that has gone down in this 24 hours since I was betrayed. So I talked to Annabelle A LOT. Basically we've talked to each other a ton. I discover that Anna made the plan for the tie and then Bryce was only willing to flip if the vote was for me. SHADY. I knew I should have never trusted him. So basically either I convince Annabelle to save me, everyone goes to rocks, or Matt and Brian flip on me and I go home. I would have said the last one was super unlikely. So I start busting my ass to sway Annabelle. We have really opened up to each other about our games, she is feeling like she has to make a big move. I talked to her about how I feel hurt because I've busted my ass all game to save Anna and Matt and now they both seem unwilling to save me. I tell the guys we just have to be nice but imply to her she stands no shot of making the end without me and how Bryce is going to win. She has no idea we have the vote steal so Brian/Matt would definitely get Bryce out next. So I go to sleep thinking we are making progress. I wake up an Anna is like "Matt was rude to me so I'm definitely not flipping" so I'm starting to feel really hopeless. And then Matt and Brian both started to dodge the idea of rocks. And Anna is telling me Bryce thinks Matt is probably going to flip. So i'm thinking it's over. And in the FB Bois chat Matt and Brian both keep being like "I'm so conflicted" "we'd be guaranteed f4" "blah blah blah" So now I'm realizing these two aren't willing to go to rocks for me. I've spent this whole season trying to save our alliance at any cost. And now that I'm the one in danger...they aren't willing to take the risk. SO now I get it. I've been too nice. If they are going to put their games above mine and aren't willing to risk it so all 3 of us can make F5...I'm going to have to make sure we take that risk because it's my only shot. So I pitch to Anna a way she can get her rocks and I can be safe. We tell them that Anna agrees to save me. That way they think were set and it'll all work out and then it'll go to rocks and I'll be safe. It's super risky and I'm putting all my faith in Annabelle and I feel so scared and guilty and idk but this is the only way I survive and there is a chance Anna goes and it all works out. But...it's also not lost on me that Anna is willing to risk her own game to save me...but my own alliance isn't. I'm feeling...weird.

Brian went home. I...honestly am just feeling horrible. And he was so mad at me. Like mad to the point that I'm worried I ruined a real life friendship over this game. And Matt is furious too and he's going off on me in our group chat which fucking sucks. Like that was the worst case scenario for me. And it sucks. But I shouldn't have to feel bad about this. Like both Brian and Matt were willing to vote me out so they didn't have to go to rocks. They put their game first so why am I a villain for doing the same thing? And they want to be like "we were up front with you about not being sure" like that's supposed to make me feel better. Yeah of course you were honest you weren't the ones in danger. It's easy for y'all to be honest when you're just going to vote me out. I couldn't have been honest with them or they would have flipped and I would have gone home. How do they not see that? Was I supposed to just give up? How is that fair? And how is it that they can vote me out and I just have to accept that but they can't accept that I saved myself. I'm feeling super alone, like I can't trust anybody, and like my best friends won't even take a second to look at it from my point of view. Of course I feel terrible. I just hope this doesn't come between genuine friendships.

ANNA REALLY JUST CLOCKS ME AND SHE KNOW SHE CAN BC WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO. me matt maynor better be this f3 matt might win tbh but idc! anna has CROSSED ME and like laughs in my face FKJADSHFKAJ like yes ur iconic yes u did #that but im in this game with u and its a lil rude to flaunt ur success at me FKJADSHFAKJ when i do sth good i would never constantly bring it up (btw i won immunity once and got that cute blue color so everyone is jealous prob...) also im so emo i miss dennis and i miss brian they were the 2 ppl who i felt close to in the game and theyre both gone i literally am so upset i feel like if i wasnt so busy before tribal i could have talked to brian more and convinced him he had to vote sharky bc i KNEW anna was voting sharky but he bought her lies and i was convincing enough so i just feel its my fault i lost my closest ally (and his vote steal) although maybe he would have beat me in the end so this is good thing? nope! like i think i played alright in the middle but ppl prob wont respect it and idk if i would bc clearly im biased and maybe i am just a goat and thats why im still in like i rly tried to do sth this round but didnt i just ugh so demotivated hehe but maybe ill snap or sth insert positive uplifting quote here i just hope that i can turn this around and defeat anna and her pet shark. ALTHOUGH ITS LIKE WHERE THE BIG DOG PULLS ITS OWNER AND WALKS IT INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND. im so EMO (TION)

yesterday i was feeling a LOT of emotions and now that i have distanced myself i realize that my emotions were VALID and i am perfect and had the RIGHT to be upset that everything went wrong. i am speaking my immunity win into existence it WILL happen. i HAVE done the homework and even if i flop it (which i wont) i will still NOT GO HOME bc matt and maynor are hopefully on my side. OK BUT LIKE IM JUST SO JKAFSHKAJDSFHADSKFJA

This immunity is very important. We cant let Matt or Sharky win it. We need to have the opinion for them available to be voted out.

So like.... I am upset and feel very alone now in this game. Brian got rocked out and i was lied to again. I am just like so over it. I feel manipulated when I did have all the power and could've got a big threat out. but NO sharky and anna the fucking dynamic duo they are decided it would be fun to go to rocks! I am just so over it. Im getting fucking 5th place and I am MAD.

OR AM I? I decided to lie last night and say i gave my idol to brian last night. Why? It would paint an even bigger target on my back so i can go idoling. Cause of course I am not dumb enough to go and give my idol away hell naw. Instead, I need to knock sharky out of the immunity comp tonight but then get everyone on my case so they vote me. then boom idol. i know that this should get me to f3. I hope. If sharky goes next, and anna/maynor win FIC. then i know i can get at least maynor with me cause Bryce will then be the clear winner out of us 4. then maybe i will have a shot at the win but eh, need to get there first. I hope to god this can work and if not, final juror here i come!

I woke up feeling TERRIBLE. I feel so bad about the Brian situation. Matt won't respond because he probably hates me. I feel like a trash person. And tbh I'm questioning if I even deserve to be here.

I feel sick. Literally this is the worst case scenario. If anybody else had won everything would be fine. And now Matt has like given up which makes me even sadder. I'm honestly considering asking everybody to vote me out. So that Matt at least has a shot of making FTC. This sucks.

I WON IMMUNITY WOOOH IM SO ICONIC IM LITERALLY A LOSING FINALIST AND EVERYONE WANTS ME OUT I FEEL LIKE ILL LOSE IN THE END BUT THAT WONT STOP THESE PPL FROM GIVING ME 4TH WHEN I LOSE THE NEXT IMMUNITY AJKFDSHKFAJ THEYRE ALL LIKE SO VISIBLY DISAPPOINTED I WON IM SO SAD NNNN I WOULD BE HAPPY FOR THEM! i really hope they vote out sharky now bc its literally the smart move but im willing to bet theyll keep him to spite me annas gonna be like sharky needs to stay we get him out NEXT round and maynor might be convinced or sth idk and matt idk askdjfhdkjf i thought we were good but he ghosted me all day today so hm. club 96 nina and tina really falling apart

Matt is literally shutting down. Like I'm trying to talk with him and mend things and try to rally him so we can figure out how to keep us both safe and honestly he's just not interested. He seems disinterested and honestly he's being kind of a brat. Stop pouting! Sack up and help me fight. Because yes I was selfish last round and that put us in a tough spot but It was never my idea to trust Bryce or my idea to ignore that we had a vote steal to secure our vote at F6. I'm not the only one who made mistakes. So come on and let's freaking recover! Or are we just supposed to lay down and award Bryce the win? UGH

I was really on the brink of asking everybody to vote me out. But Matt is being so useless right now. If he's going to act like that he'll just get picked off at F4. He has no fight. So I'm over it. I really do love him but at this point I'm going to have to just try my best to get Annabelle and Maynor to believe that they stand the best chance at FTC against me, instead of Bryce or Matt. I've already ruined my reputation so I might as well at least try to fight. I feel over everything but I have to get it together.

The vote hopefully is between Matt and Sharky. I know Bryce really wants Sharky gone. Annabelle and I are talking and seeing which route is the best for us to make it to the end.

Like wow. My brain is so big. Im pretending that I threw away my idol to brian at the last second, and that I am leaving this round. Whereas in actually reality I still have my idol and sure as heck im playing it tonight and making final 4 YEET. like woe is me, woe is me, lol no bitch im here to stay. Sharky like, needs to leave as well. I love him but 2 big if a threat and I would quite like to well, win.

Oh and as I write this annabelle needs me huh. Well listen here, you lied to my fucking face and got brian out. Thus, you also need to leave bish. I am fed up of being lied 2 constantly by these fuckers called my tribemates and I am NOT here for it anymore. Time to play the lies and deceit game myself huh

This round is so weird for me. I felt like I was in such a tough place and feeling really defeated. But now Anna is getting paranoid and there is a very slim chance I could get her to to vote Maynor and then Matt and I both make F4. But my issues is I can't trust anybody. Because I don't think anybody trusts me. Like Maynor is being very noncommittal. Anna keeps flip flopping and maybe she'll flip onto me. Matt seems on board but honestly maybe he deeply deeply hates me and is just lying and will vote me out.

There is a little over an hour left before tribal. I'm convinced that it's me going home. Everyone seems to be too easy to agree to vote with me. It's not looking good.

Literally wtf. The Biggest plot twist of the century is occurring. I'M THE SWING VOTE?? Like since when in hell was I going to be the deciding factor. I mean I like it, I have the power for once and I am safe but still omg i LOVE IT! I am bunsen the Berner in this image, deciding between 2 fates: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DzD8lXwUwAAgTlp?format=jpg&name=900x900

Having a panic attack. Im really nervous. Like i know its between Matt and Sharky. But there is still a chance that somehow me or annabell could still go. I hope it doesnt and its clear cut with Sharky and Matt. Fingers cross. Or imma die.

i had a good talk with anna today and i kind of love her (as long as she votes sharky) i think maynor might go now which is sad bc anna says matt/sharky are doing that but like matt says that he wants me maynor him f3 so who knows! anna like was honest with me about not knowing who to vote and seems to be voting sharky but literally anything can happen so whomst knows.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH okokok i feel so fucking badly about this move like so badly ughhhhhhhhhh but i feel like it has to happen i'm so so soooo sorry sharky like you have no idea i've been torn all day on what i should do and idk i feel like i lose no matter what this fucking blows

Sharky is voted out 4-1. 

[aerisse-remade]

literally just me complaining abt vocaloid/its fanbase

ok i got a good starting point so its Time to Complain

before i start complaining im just gonna say that some of these were taken from my ooooold pet peeves posts on tvs that i made in like. 2013. so if you see those now, keep in mind that i may no longer be bothered by certain things or ive just become less harsh in general. but some of them i still agree w obv. also i dont mind if anyone who actually reads this wants to add on to this post or to start a discussion (pls do!!!! i love hearing others thoughts) but pls either send me an ask, an im, or just reply bc i dont want to have a long chain of reblogs

also sorry again @ app users

i really cant stand certain headcanons, but the absolute worst ones are that the male vocaloids are huge perverts or even pedophiles....or any vocaloid in general. leave them alone!!!! why do u hate certain vocaloids so much that youd call them a fucking pedophile??? pedophilia isnt cute or funny, its fucking disgusting. and this might be very presumptuous of me but if you hc any vocaloid as a pedo you're disgusting too. [also if any pedos are reading this (bc i know some of you freaks go into the search) if you interact with this post or me at all, you'll be reported and blocked]

i also hate when ppl call any vocaloid (or ANY character for that matter) shotas or lolis. bc yknow...those terms are rooted in pedophilia, and once again pedophilia isnt cute or funny. like this literally isnt up for debate, if you try to defend that shit you'll also be reported and blocked

listen....i know vocaloids dont have canon sexualities so all hcs are valid...but when ppl hc luka or mayu as straight i die. i mean i hc most of the vocaloids being lgbt+ but especially luka and mayu. luka is like the biggest lesbian and mayu is also gay af

this one might be controversial?? idk but it kinda bothers me when ppl take a japanese vocaloid, change their skin colour, and then say theyre poc now. like japanese ppl arent white so werent they poc before?? like im genuinely confused. is the term poc for nonwhite ppl in general or specifically for darker skinned nonwhite ppl? bc ive seen both ways. also the issue here isnt making a pale vocaloid darker (bc im all for that!!! we need darker vocas) in general, its just when ppl imply that japanese ppl are white ig. (if you cant tell already im white, so if i said smth wrong, please correct me!)

i hate when ppl whitewash leon and lola. like ik they dont have official designs, but they are still canonically black (not to mention the whitewashed designs for them are ugly af....especially white, blond hair + blue eyes leon). also i dont like whitewashed merli, wil, bruno, and clara either

speaking of bruno and clara, i hate how even their official designs were whitewashed due to racists complaining abt their old designs!!! like. ppl literally sent death threats to the artist of their original designs

i hate pikos design. its not even anything in particular, his whole design is just ugly imo

i hate yohioloids boxart. i absolutely cant stand the way the artist drew his face, it looks like that generic straight girl fujoshi anime artstyle. i hate it lmao

this one also might be a big no-no but i honestly cant stand the western producers' fanbases? i cant even get into most of the western producers works. i like ghost as a person (they seem pretty cool), and i like their instrumentals, but i dont like the vocals/rhythm of most of their songs? and their fanbase is just....annoying. they treat ghost like a god or smth (which they themself is uncomfortable with!!) and idk basically im just tired of seeing ppl shit themselves over communications. this isnt supposed to be hate either, im just genuinely confused nd tired. also circusP's fanbase is also annoying bc i feel like his songs appeal to edgy 12 yr olds (like circus monster and insanity) who constantly spam his comments sections with "lol im psycho too!!!". i havent looked into his comments sections for a while now so if this has changed then im glad ig

when ppl call galacos hair rainbow....like, blonde, brown, yellow, red, and blue dont make a rainbow. mayus hair is rainbow tho!!

speaking of mayus hair, it bothers me when ppl forget she has rainbow hair?? especially fanartists. i understand if you know she has rainbow hair but you didnt include it bc its hard to colour in. its ok. but like....straight up forgetting?? im confused how do yall not notice it

also when ppl think mayus bday is December 5th. like yeah its her release date but her canonical bday is may 6th. pls im so tired of ppl saying "happy bday mayu!!!" on dec 5th but nobody saying shit on her actual bday....

also this might b petty but i dont like how most ships involving mayu are het. Let Her Be Gay

when ppl say mayu is a ritsu rip off...,like the only design similarities they have are those little hat things and the piano motif. thats it. also they were designed by the same person (hidari) so ofc theyre gonna have some similarities

this might be elitist of me but when ppl claim to be "vocaloid trash" or hardcore voca fans yet they dont know who unpopular vocas like big al and mew are. also when these same ppl (those who claim to be hardcore fans) cant even name a single producer

recolours and genderbends. u know what im talking abt...,the bs "shion family" or mikuo, luki, etc. theyre boring tbh

also when ppl think kaitos last name is canonically shion....like he doesnt have a last name. same with meiko being sakine. meiko sakine is a fanloid, not the actual voca meiko

obnoxious fangirls/boys in general. yknow, the "lenkun is mine!!! xdddd" kind. pls...,.grow out of that phase already...

ppl who call vy2 roro. or ppl who think thats his canon design. pls im so tired

ppl who think gumi extend/lily/cul/merli/etc look like "sluts". like bye

ppl who draw/make mmd models of voca appends, yet their "append" design is exactly like mikus

ppl who dont source their art or dont source it properly. zerochan and weheartit are not sources.,,,

ppl who complain abt there being "too many vocaloids". like vocaloid isnt even marketed to you, theyre marketed towards music producers lmao. let producers have a wide selection range

ppl who think vocaloid is a weeb thing. like yall will call literally anything japanese weeb shit. like....not all vocaloids are even japanese. and even if they were, smth being japanese nd having anime styled mascots doesnt automatically make it for weebs. vocaloid is a professional software. im so tired of seeing ppl like "omg im such a weeb im listening to vocaloid" or "im reliving my weeb days by listening to vocaloid" or "if u listen to vocaloid ur a weeb" fuck outta here w that bs

now this is a personal thing, but i just cant stand voca crossovers with mlp..,,im so tired of everything being ponified

ppl who hc rin and len as siblings AND ship them. like its fine to ship them if u dont hc them as siblings but if you do....,yall nasty. incest is nasty

i really dont like kailen, kaimi, yuki/kiyoteru, kairin, gakurin, etc. theres more ships i dont like but i'll probably make another post abt that sometime

honestly i dont really care for most f/m amd m/m ships in general? gimme the wlw

ppl who ship the child vocas  (ryuto, yuki, una, oliver) with adult vocas without aging them up. i mean even if its aged up its still kinda weird but not aging them at all is Bad

....also heres a super petty and personal one. when ppl say that white ppl cant kin/id with most vocaloids. like some white kid thinking theyre miku is in no way comparable to actual real world racism. as long as theyre not claiming to actually be another race it shouldn't matter. get mad over smth that actually matters lmao

basically just kin drama in general. like its fine to be uncomfortable w doubles but like....dont harrass them or send them hate or anything. let them be

also ppl who take vocaloid at face value and cant have fun. ykno, those ppl who are like "how do yall ship software and make headcanons for them?? get a life lol". like hey. its fun. let us be

theres probably more but i cant think of them rn. if i do think of more i'll just compile them into another post and call it part 2 or smth lmao

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i just hardcore vented to emily and im usually pretty weary and careful of bringing up my relationship with God and the church to her bc i know she isnt religious but i was just so furious and on a role that i didnt really care

but yeah JKBHFDLKNF,AMDFJKSHL

im just so frickin MAD

first, i was mad with andrew and sofia bc they dont see the point in giving bobby(sofia’s ex) closure and theres nothing that i can say to change their mind but i cant believe how unbelievably selfish theyre being in not letting him know that the reason sofia and he broke up was not because of anything that he did wrong but bc she had her own personal things to deal with and their argument is why should they open up an old wound and just bring back the hurt? and theyre assuming hes moved on bc hes dated other people since sofia but doesnt mean it doesnt bother him and that hes gotten over it. and andrew kept rushing to sofia’s aid and saying why should she have to tell him if she doesnt want to and that mindset is just so selfish. it’s not about you. it’s not just about how you feel or what you want to do. this is about him and what you did to hurt him, whether or not it was intentional. and i think it’s valid to still address the problem and get it over with and leave it behind. time means nothing. you can spend your whole life wondering what you did wrong bc you never got closure. and im just so frustrated bc i know that no matter what i say, they wont change their minds and see that theyre wrong.

and with p josh, i was walking home with angela today and i realized that he has so many flaws but his heart is too offendable and always takes criticism really poorly which is a big issue and im the most frustrated bc his whole thing is serving others and being like Jesus and the disciples but he plays the power card all too frequently and it doesnt feel like hes actually trying to serve us. and he cant be so ambitious with his vision and goals and expect everyone else to play along. we have our own things to deal with and just because he can do something doesnt mean everyone else can be expected to follow at the same level. they might not be used to it and everyone reacts to things differently. just bc jason is a great server doesnt mean i will be. i freaking suck at being a server and i could never do it. i dont do well in stressful, spontaneous situations. but i am good at planning long term events but that doesnt mean he can. 

i think more importantly, we’re getting away from the vision. a church is a hospital for the broken and not a place to put saints on display. and i think we’ve started to become too into our own vision instead of God’s vision and we need to get back to basics and build up from there. we are being too ambitious with everything right now and there is a lot of transition happening and p josh cannot expect us to keep up with him when we have our own things in our lives to deal with. i am still so impacted by that one line from “Kuya Derek” that said, “I am a Christian but I am more defined by Jesus than I am by the doctrine.” God is love. Everything that the Ecclessia is is rooted in love. And by saying, “if you feel uncomfortable or have a problem with something, you can leave.” P Josh words things really poorly a lot and I dont think we should attack him with all of his flaws at once on Sunday. This is an ongoing process and he’s only human and we cant expect him to immediately change. But I do really think we need to address his offendable heart and his power cards. How can he preach about wanting to make MAST something where students are serving others when he cant even do that for us? He’s being open about his issues and I respect that but he is still so blind. I almost feel like he’s telling us part of his struggles and flaws and just turning a blind eye to the real issues at hand in an effort to make himself look better. and now that i type that, i dont believe it to be true. but he HAS to be aware of these things. how can he hope that anyone will follow him when hes being such a hypocrite? And this is definitely something that I need to calm down about and pray about but asdfghjkl;

i definitely want to make a list and have it ready to address during our meeting on sunday.

also, i feel like angela has disliked me as a person for a while so i am really glad we’re getting along so well now but i also dont want our friendship to be rooted in hate. i dont want to just bond with her bc we gossip about other people. i want to really be her friend but i do think bc we’re both so straightforward and blunt, we have the potential to become really close. 

and i should address this in the future but i didnt today but she talked about how shes really passionate about the LGBTQ+ community today but the church finds that a really taboo topic to address and she doesnt want it to be like that but shes made fun of the politically correct culture at Columbia on more than a handful of occassions and that actually really turned me off and discouraged to bring up the topic in the past.

and another thing for p josh, i know that he wants lakeview to be a more multicultural place again and i wasnt there for that and i just feel like hes so in love with how things used to be but he needs to recognize that this isnt the past. this is now. we can try to be a more multicultural place again and think about what we can do now but he cant expect it to be like how it once was bc it will never be the same again. it will change and it will be different. 

im also surprised he didnt tell angela about when i called him out on his decision making bc that was lowkey one of my fears that he vented to jason and angela so im surprised she was surprised about it.

but yeah, im gonna finish watching new girl, shower, pack a little, and start to pray about this.

im sad today was the last life group but im also glad i got to pray for everyone bc i really wanted to. and today was actually so nice and felt so comfortable. we’re usually so tense and awkward but today was so much fun and i feel like everyone felt like they were free to be themselves and i really really enjoyed it. i just wish we couldve had this time sooner on. 

im starting to calm down and just imagine different scenarios and what i would say to him and how he would react.

i think the transition with the life groups and people leaving is a blessing in disguise. i think it’s been easy to get caught up in the details and logistics but we are now so far from the vision of it all. we’ve gotten so caught up with planning and thinking about how to benefit the most people that we have strayed so far away from what it means to love. to accept, and care, and invest, and love. and that’s what the church should be rooted in. out with the racism and cultural biases. what do we have if God is not at the center of it all. we shouldnt be thinking about how to benefit the most people. we should be thinking about how to save that one lost sheep. 

and i will not leave lakeview. i refuse. God called me here for a reason and I intend to carry out His Will. and to combat Rachel’s argument of if you dont feel comfortable being around other Koreans, then you should leave, to that i say this—

we are the church and should be appealing to EVERYONE. regardless of their race. and dont get me wrong, i totally see the appeal in having a predominantly Korean American church. I grew up in a white dominated neighborhood and was never really around Korean culture. my parents never spoke korean to me. there were always barely any Asians at my school. The cousins near my age lived on the other side of the country and my cousins that lived in California are wayyyy older than me and i didnt start talking to them until Robbin passed away. And I am still so hurt and saddened by him bc i still do not fully understand why God had to take him away from this Earth. And I know that so much good has come from it but it still hurts and pains me so much to this day but I am choosing to trust in God’s reasoning and plan and will and just trust that there was a reason why he took Robbin from this Earth. So yes, I see the appeal. But we really should not be preaching to each other and other Koreans. We should be preaching to ANYONE that can hear the Word.