#I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSION BTW

[andhumanslovedstories]

Hi dear. I saw your post about pain management - thank you so much for it, it was an inspiring read, also it made it so obvious that you are truly passionate about being a nurse or rather, helping people and being present for those who need it the most. I wanted to ask - do you feel your job as a nurse affects the care you give in your interpersonal relationships and if yes, then how? rather negatively or positively? this is something I think about a lot bc my husband would love to study to become a nurse because he has a heart full of love and care, I knew he would be so good at it, but we are also having our firstborn soon and I just worry that being a nurse might be so draining that what if there is no energy for me and the baby. I really want to support my husband and I know this might be a silly question, but having read how you think I would so much love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

My big disclaimer for this is that I'm currently on medical leave for depression that wasn't CAUSED by my work but was definitely exacerbated by it and definitely worse when I was on shift. I've also been dealing with depression for a long time, and it's always interfered with my jobs at some point. The main problem is that it's a lot worse to have brain fog at a hospital than it is at an ice cream shop. I consider nursing to be a protective factor for my mental health SOMETIMES. It is work that I find meaning in and makes me proud. It can be an exhausting job but also a rewarding one. Extra compassion is also a double-edged sword: it can make you a better nurse, and it can also drain you that much faster because you get invested. Self-care is a part of the nursing code of ethics because the job in part because compassion fatigue is so easy to get if you aren't careful with your limits.

It is a draining job. I've begged off lot of things due to my schedule and feeling exhausted (but I am a homebody hermit). It's also a job a lot of people balance with raising children. My mom (who was already a nurse when I was born) liked the flexibility of the schedule. I work with dozens of nurses who have children. Many are mothers who are still breastfeeding infants. Some actively participate in their family life, some don't, and I don't know how much that has to do with their specific job. You know your husband. Does he already struggle to balance work/school/responsibilities and personal life? That's an issue with any career, but I do think healthcare is a profession where it can get even harder.

oops another nursing essay under the cut

(Plus, in terms of timing in with your newborn, congrats btw, your husband will have to go through nursing school first if he decides on this track, and minimum that will take like 15 months if he has all the pre-reqs and gets into an accelerated program. When it comes to dealing with a newborn, schooling might be more of a stumbling block than the job itself. I know a lot of people who consider nursing school to be one of the worst times of their lives. He might be able to do LPN [licensed practical nurse] instead of RN [registered nurse]. RN requires a bachelors and has a larger scope of practice and generally higher pay. I know almost nothing about getting your LPN license so he'll have to investigate that himself. I'll say the hospital systems that I've been in not only prefer RNs but often have requirements that people without a certain amount of experience MUST get their bachelors after X amount of time.)

I would also say not all nursing jobs are created equal in terms of labor, emotional and otherwise. My first job was in home health which got me somewhat emotionally enmeshed with the family I primarily worked with, but it also wasn't emotionally distressing. Nurses on our oncology floors and the ICU have a different experience than nurses who work in elective short-stay surgery. And different people find different things draining. I find working with end-of-life patients to be energizing in my work; a lot of people don't. My aunt worked pediatrics because she found working with children must less distressing than working with a geriatric population. Some people thrive in the chaos and speed of the emergency room, while I find it to be a tremendously depressing place that I hate floating to.

I think you'd have to ask my loved ones if really if it affects how much I care for them. Speaking personally for myself: I think it is overall positive for my relationships. I like the rhythm of nursing, I like the philosophy of nursing, I like who nursing makes me be. I like that nursing work is impossible to bring home. You can bring the emotions home, but you leave the patients at the hospital. It's simple for a bedside nurse to keep a strong division between their work self and their home self, but it's not necessarily easy. And again, I'm off work right now and probably will be for a bit longer so. yknow. He should make sure he's got a good support system in place.

Also some states and cities are far, far better than others when it comes to nursing regulations. Are there legally mandated staff ratios where you work? How many hospitals are in the area? Are any of them union? What does the compensation look like? What is the turnover rate? Nursing could be a great profession in general, but it might not be great in your particular location.

My last point would be that working in healthcare can make you feel...disconnected, I guess, from people who don't. Healthcare is such a culture unto itself. Sometimes I'd be like that meme of guy at party hanging out in the corner thinking, "they don't know yesterday I took care of a patient in a situation so fucked and depressing that it's now an ethics case." Or on the other hand, "they don't know that a patient called me their guardian angel and cried while they thanked me." The fact that healthcare is a different world is neither a pro nor a con, but something to consider. Depending on how you spend your days, his life might start to have parts that look very different from yours. I loved having a nurse as a mother and listening to her stories. My father banned all anecdotes involving poop and gore from his presence.

I hope you and your husband figure out the best way possible for him to use that compassion, which might be nursing or might not be. Either way, good luck to you guys!

[uselessmicrowave]

ayooo i just saw that you’re doing match ups and thought I’d give it a go! Preferred continuity is TFP and faction would be Autobots :)

I’m 21, female, body build is muscular but still thick, shoulder length ashy brown hair. I don’t have a particular style of clothing but at the moment I wear gym clothing everywhere (it’s just so comfortable!). I have an old great dane and a budgie.

I listen to a lot of music, you’ll usually find me wearing headphones most of the time. My favourite hobbies are painting, drawing, exercising, acoustic guitar, star gazing and travelling. Fav food/beverages are ice cream and iced coffee. My smarts would play into my profession of nursing, so I am quite knowledgeable but I can be forgetful and have time management issues/procrastination due to adhd. Bad habits are also procrastinating, skimping on sleep (night shift does that to ya), negative self talk, worrying too much, zoning out in conversations. My pet peeves are people chewing loudly, littering, talking while watching movies.

Can wait to see who I’m paired up with! Have a great day/night !

Ahh hello!!! I love your writing btw… I’m pairing you with TFP Ratchet (and not just because your blog is themed around him)!

Ratchet will warm up to you by finding things that irk the both of you. Instead of having to clean up the floor (Miko left a paper crafting mess) he finds that you’ve either cleaned up or scolded Miko so hard that she cleaned it up herself.

He loves how your body looks but isn’t sure how to say that without sounding weird or creepy. Compared to the other humans he’s seen, you look strong.

Share a music playlist with him! He’ll listen to it when he’s alone at base waiting for the team to come back. Make a playlist specifically for him and he’ll melt (he loves The Smiths).

Ratchet will use the space bridge to take you stargazing, taking you somewhere without light pollution.

Scolds you for taking night shifts (even if he does the same thing), so he’ll practically shut down the base for you so you can take a nap on the couch.

The first daily interaction with him is, “How are you feeling? Have you consumed water today? Have you taken your daily medication?” He cares so much and it comes out in the form of fussing over you.

Each negative comment you make about yourself he tells you something that he admires you for. Beyond ecstatic if you do the same for him.

Tries to take your mind off of stressful things by asking you questions about human healthcare or your latest painting/drawing/writing/ect..

If you’re getting ready to exercise and remind you to stretch beforehand, he’ll stretch with you or help you out with it.

You both are workaholics, but either of you manages to drag the other into bed/berth.

[districtxii]

Coriolanus and Rationalizing Evil

This post is sort of reading/listening journal for my consumption of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes in audiobook form. It focuses on my growing understanding of Coriolanus as a character and how it differs from my expectations going in. I'm not finished with the audiobook yet, but it contains potential spoilers up the 9 hour in mark.

So, I've been distracted by work and a few other fandoms for my attention, but I got back to the audiobook of TBOSAS today as someone who watched the movie first. (I read the original trilogy before the movies back in college, but being an adult, I'm far less patient for books. Furthermore, because of unstable living circumstances, I don't particularly want the extra weight of having books to bring, though a part of me misses having a lot of books. In that way, the audiobook has been a lifesaver.)

Anyway, from YouTube and tumblr comments, I was anticipating that the books would twist my stomach at how terrible and psychopathic Coriolanus would be. People kept saying in various clickbait articles that the movie adaptation "ruined" his character by not allowing the audience to see the internal, wicked machinations of Coriolanus from the narration.

To my surprise, that's not the case at all for me.

For reference, I've most recently paused at 9:21:24 in the audiobook. Coriolanus is dejected at the fact that Mr. Plinth didn't offer him money as a reward for saving Sejanus.

What I am noticing, rather than someone who was born broken and beyond help (as I find is the case with many 'psychopathic' people from true crime podcasts that I often listen to), I find that Coriolanus is someone who is deeply traumatized and trying to rationalize his way into the callousness of psychopathy/sociopathy/simple apathy, or whatever you want to call it.

(Another side-note to come back to: I was absolutely stunned and fascinated by the revelation that Dr. Gaul started out as a medical doctor in obstetrics. I wonder if the narrative will loop back around to that, because damn. I want to know if she started out as a sort of ~angel of death~ medical practitioner, as serial killers in the medical profession are often dubbed, or if something broke her about the war. I want to know!!! Btw broad strokes spoilers for things I haven't read yet don't bother me! But if no one tells me, I guess I'll find out if it comes up again.)

Tigris, of course, seems to see the best in people, but more than once she has commented on how from her perspective Coriolanus wouldn't hurt a fly as a child. She seems to have admired his mother and disliked his father, and she is trying to encourage him to be the best version of himself.

Even back in the original trilogy, I notice that Collins seems to use parents less as full people than as humanoid Symbols for different influences of society. Katniss and Peeta's mothers are the most human-seeming of the parents, but even they exist as sorts of dichotomies and push-pull between two different aspects of society and their overlap through love triangles and disappointed desires. Katniss's mother is a pretty good image of depression and abuse-by-neglect-without-malice, which is a complex human condition, but the way the narratives treat them makes them seem more distant than the younger characters.

If we take it that Tigris isn't totally making up any innate reluctance toward harm that one might consider "good" or even "natural" in people before they are pushed to their breaking points, and I think we should assume that because of Coriolanus's own internal struggles with himself, then I do not see a boy/young man who does not care about other people, either on the macro level or the interpersonal level.

It is striking to me that Tigris and Coriolanus and others frequently use the world "children" when talking about the Capitol teenagers, and sometimes about the District "kids," but the teenagers -- even in the Capitol -- have some degree of adult responsibility placed on their shoulders. Well, I guess that's mostly true for Coriolanus due to his lack of parents and experience of poverty. However, it is still strange that this is juxtaposed with the way someone like Lucy Gray obviously isn't seen as a child, particularly by Coriolanus's grandmother. There is the ongoing suggestion that, especially as women, Lucy Gray and/or Tigris may have needed to engage in some sort of sex work to survive, though this is never made explicit. Furthermore, Grandma'am specifically says that Lucy Gray hasn't been a child for a long time. Furthermore, I think the weight of Lucy Gray using the word "lover" to refer to her past with Billy Taupe is intended to drive this reality home without ever needing to spell it out in black and white.

Coriolanus tries to think of himself as a child when he is in a state of high distress. Furthermore, he often thinks of his classmates' calling out for or waiting for their parents in times of need. Something he cannot do.

Coriolanus demonstrates a capable intellect, and he has been using it to mask poverty, suffering, and disadvantage for most of his life. However, he seems to genuinely care for most of his classmates as friends.

When I read others' meta analyses of the book or others comparisons of the book to the movie, I was expecting that Coriolanus would be someone who was unable to view other people as real people. I was expecting to read about someone who struggled to convince themselves that they had the emotions that are experienced by others. Someone who was, as I said earlier, born broken.

That is not what I find at all.

Instead, as I think I've read in other posts, Coriolanus reminds me a little bit of Katniss. They are both people who are dealing with dissociation and suspicion toward other people as the result of trauma, post-traumatic stress, and a lack of the safety nets that others may take for granted even in the midst of poverty and deprivation.

Of course, knowing how it ends, Coriolanus finally finds a way to "let the dark side win," or whatever. The devil of Dr. Gaul talking into his ear about the nature of humanity is something that he finally comes to embrace. I haven't gotten there yet.

But the thing is, Coriolanus's callous nature most demonstrates itself in the way that he views Sejanus. He calls his demonstrations of "civility" toward Sejanus just that and nothing more. It is obvious that he does this because he resents certain things about who Sejanus is. However, he has been taught to resent the fact that he is from the Districts and rising above his station while Coriolanus's family is falling from their birthright of grace.

What I feel there is an undercurrent of, however, is that Coriolanus distances himself from Sejanus with his rational mind while his emotions tend to cause himself to align himself with Sejanus. This is not a particular statement of shippy feelings, though I don't blame people who see it that way, and if you can use my thoughts to further your shipping manifesto/justification, knock yourselves out!

I was just really stricken with how Coriolanus handled the realization that everything Sejanus chooses to do, even things Coriolanus things are embarrassing, risky, and dangerous, are motivated by doing the right thing.

Early on in the book, Coriolanus indicates that he began to treat Sejanus with civility because it was beneath the dignity of a Snow to treat him as lesser and with disdain simply because he was from the Districts. However, later in the book, it is obvious that Coriolanus's father would not have held the same sentiment. His father was a "District-hating" man, and even with his spotty memories of his father, he is aware of this description as part of his character.

Rather, it seems like Sejanus is the stage for Coriolanus's internal morality play.

He is drawn to doing the right thing. He enjoys the shining silver lining that people could want to be good, even when it doesn't benefit them. Even when choosing to be good would disadvantage them. However, he is terrified of his prospect because the veil of seeming to be more privileged than he is is like a form of armor for Coriolanus.

Drawing back to the parallels between Katniss and Coriolanus, I remember that Katniss went to great lengths to mask her mother's neglect because, apparently, even out in District 12 there was something like social services that may have taken Katniss and Prim away from their mother had the neglect and starvation been apparent enough. However, Katniss considered the Capitol's administration of "child protection" to have been worse than remaining in the Seam and dealing with living on the knife's edge of poverty and starvation on her own.

Coriolanus is much the same, even in a less obviously dangerous position. In fact, his motivation to hide the danger he is in is even greater because he has "more to lose" in some ways. Not only would be lose his position in society and access to food and opportunity for a better life, but he would also lose his sense of identity. In some ways, it's hard to say which one is worse. Katniss, on the other hand, has a hard time defining her sense of self and self worth, but that's a different post.

In some ways, Sejanus's opportunities and the idea that he is "replacing" Coriolanus in terms of station in society is a natural source of envy for Coriolanus. However, he rarely directly acknowledges this envy. Rather, he tries to find ways to pity Sejanus without allowing (or admitting?) any sense of emotional attachment to him.

But, as the saying goes, sometimes actions speak louder than words.

It seems to me that Coriolanus is, at least thus far in the book, drawn into acting in ways that align himself morally with Sejanus. However, he resents this, because his life thus far has taught him the propaganda of the Capitol about the people of the Districts and the cold pragmatism that, in theory, best assures survival. He resents how opening up toward other people, especially people like Sejanus, makes him vulnerable.

People, especially traumatized people, hate being vulnerable.

But Sejanus is like the siren song of having a less Hobbesian view of human nature. Sejanus represents the belief that treating other humans with dignity and decency is the baseline for a functioning society. He holds this view openly while people like Highbottom can only suggest this in ways that confuse and anger Coriolanus because he perceives their presentation as a resentment of and threat toward him.

Again, actions speak louder than words.

Another thing that makes me think this is an accurate reading of what Coriolanus is going through is the way he participates in Sejanus's laughter when he is sent in to get him in the Arena. Of course, Coriolanus has plenty of internal justifications for why he is doing what he is doing. He is, of course, motivated to survive. He is making pragmatic decisions that Sejanus himself refuses to make. Given the chance, he wouldn't have gone in after him, because Coriolanus is, at minimum at this point, not as good a person as Sejanus is (though I could write more on how guilt and self-destruction are not necessarily demonstrations of moral character). It is not necessarily evil not to be totally self-sacrificial. However, when he is given no choice but to go in and do this, he doesn't take the quickest path of least resistance. He rationalizes his way through it, as he's trying to rationalize his way through everything, but when Sejanus comments on how Coriolanus can't stop saving him, he laughs.

There is no narrative detail to indicate that this is a forced laugh or a calculated response, as so many of Coriolanus's demonstrations of emotion or lack thereof are. Instead, he laughs, and it's just a description of basic action, and this indicates that, perhaps, he is not being honest with himself about who or what Sejanus is to him, rather than that we should take it as absolute truth that he does not care about him at this point in the narrative.

I could be proven wrong by finishing the book, but as I said... actions sometimes speak louder than words.

[scr-ppup]

Coinfight prep info. Team villains

I'm going to already tell y'all I'm a throughout guy lol and this is fuckig long. Feel free to check around idk, it consists of things about me and so on like last year. It's big to give people an idea for things to coin and what I'm good with being included in and so on. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll at least try to answer.

Lil nitpick info btw

- I will most likely be making primarily alterhuman or general non-gender specific related flags. That's been happening quite a lot recently so might continue on that path lol.

Edit: related to the upper text, I'm focusing on gender flags instead since I wanna get back to gender coining again. :)

- Please ask me for a revenge chain if you wish to do one. Since my school starts at the same week of the event, I'm not sure how well my spoons will hold up and I don't want to end up leaving anyone on the shore with a started revenge chain lol.

- I'm more than welcoming of combo, themed, and non-gender flags and terms, this including from aldernic & dissos, to misce to orientation & MAD related flags.

///

So starting on interests & themes

- medias; Ninjago & dragons rising, Voltron legendary defender, Arknights, CoD franchise, criminal minds, subway surfers, code 8 & part 2, BNHA, school bus graveyard webcomic, the blank city webcomic,

— character specific; Subway surfers; frank, miss Maia. Criminal minds; Aaron hotchner & Spencer Reid. CoD franchise; the shadow company & KorTac (Phillip Graves, Velikan), the konni group (Makarov), Terminus Outcomes (Sona "keres" Mirzoyan). Ninjago; Garmadon, pythor, the dragons, the wolf clan, the stone army. SBG; Ashlyn & Logan.

- Bands; Hollywood undead, fall out Boy, class animals, new medicine, arrested youth, get scared, Jann, Kesha, ashnikko, femtanyl, creepP, odetari, scene queen, derivakat, graveyard guy, arctic monkeys, poor man's poison, ado, Luluyam, set it off, the ooze, jazmin bean, baby bugs, cassytte, and lustsickpuppy,

- I enjoy splatterpunk, medical horror and generally horror themed things. Also gorey and macabre art and literature, devotional love to someone or an entity and self destruction for that love.

- animals: reptiles; bearded dragons (pogonas) especially!! (<- owner of pogonas vitticeps) Snakes. Raccoons, opossums, hyenas, jackals, magpies, ravens, cats. Pitbulls, greyhounds, borzois, dobermans.

- medical themes are welcome, no cutesy nurse-related things though. When I mean medical, I mean combat/field medic and doctor professions specifically with themes related to my interests. Also mad and cruel scientists !! :3

- taxidermy, hunting, bones, dead Animals & mysticism behind that. grotesque, death, suffering, and whump themes are more than welcomed.

- apocalyptic and scavenger themes, gas masks, apocalyptic fashion

///

Identity;

Gender labels and related; genderqueer, genderless, demi(gender)fluid, androgyne, boynymgirl, cisneutral, muttgender, divinemutt, whumpgender, theorpangender, gendervir

Lurkerian, Slasherval, marvlaen, Hazexiv, Exulancian, Gorture, limerencial, homipavren, lectence, dimensen, altumen

Mōna transmasculine, transandrogynous, and transneutral. (Thistle) femmetwink, green anole, mutt, pedigree, flying lemur leaning raccoon, lasiurus, black squirrel, jumping spider, opossum, harbringer, final person, chinchilla, GNC, tomboy.

Orientation labels; achilligirl, sapphic achillean/sapphillean, gay, quroplatonic & queerplatonic, Apothderium attraction, euclidean aroace, aroacespec, sunne lesbian, tulipian.

MAD stuff: ADHD (heavily suspected by self & family), AVPD-ish, religious delusions, social anxiety, social anhedonic, MADD adjacent immersive daydreaming. sleep issues. (I'm also hypermobile with a fucked up knee and get bouts of chronic pain due to this and costochondritis lol.)

Alterhumanity related labels; nonhuman, transspecies, paraanthro, alteranthro, holothere, fictionkin. Immersive. Lith.

If needed, undercut is the whole list of what I am for individual things. It also features info of my misceverse identity at the very bottom. Okay, bbyyeee.

///

Alterhumanity

Alterhuman (preferring nonhuman terminology instead of alterhuman), transspecies, otherkin, and holotheres and such. I'm polykin and my alterhumanity spans morely from neurodiversity, attachments, disconnections, and trauma (I'd describe that as being apothane). I also use plenty of dissodic and aldernic terms.

Specifics —

Holotheres; undead, zombie, apocalyptic scavenger, medic, Ashlyn banner (from school bus graveyard.). Creature/cryptid, eldritch (mimic that mimics humans), faceless, glicthed & winged being separately. Hostiakind/hostiaen, immortal. Mutt/hound, hound-/dog-/puppyboy hybrid/kemonomimi. Kalma.

fiction; Sentinel, lycanwing, monstrous nightmare, and speed stringer (from HTTYD & HTTYD:RTTE). Logan Fields (from School bus graveyard). Pidgey and the green and red lions from Voltron. Fictional/mythological canines such as blink pup, and hiiden hurtta-adjacent. MC spectator (Minecraft). Lucario, poochyena, and Houndoom + Houndoom/onyx cross (pokemon).

Deityfolk related; deity of death & medicine (generally medicine, medical areas, knowledge, and practices) and deity of crossroads and the lost. Eldritch deity. Hostiaen/hostiakind (sacrificial specifically). Oracle & immortal, death omen and harbringer.

Therian/animal types: African wild/painted dog, jackal, mutt/hound, manned wolf. Hyena, wolverine. Magpie, sparrowhawk. Eels.

Concept; violent death/surma, immortality, eternity & winter conceptkin.

Alterhuman; infected/plagued, apocalyptic scavenger, polymorph, merfolk (apocalyptic merfolk, carrion [feeder] merfolk, scavenger merfolk). Revenant, time traveler.

Transspecies specifics: undead, werewolf, African wild/painted dog, mutt, dogthing/boy, zombiez

—

Undead, unholy, ghostly, folkloric, celestial nonhuman & alteranthro and paraantrho. Anjesque but not angel.

Species specific: Morima, calamoer, drakemoian (specifically fear & melancholy drakemoians), eldrorian, aniluma, korathioner; chioner & vathmer specifically, but relation to koramer. Suianis. canithrope.

Animas; Eternity, eldritch & eldritch mer, immortal,

Eitments; eldritch, eternity, void,

Emsouls; eldritch, mutt, Lurkerian,

Emotionalink to crows & ravens.

///

Misceverse identity;

Misceverse for those who may take interest in coining;

Dynamics; dynamic fluid, but primarily Iota & anull (In my verse Iota is described to be beta aligned Omegas, and the individuals of this dynamic may also be called "iota omegas" without being a bidynamic since that's related to temperament and behavioral patterns, nitpick info lol.); Guardogdynic (guard dog),

Scents; scentfluid! bitter herb, peppermint, cherry, violent death, blood & smoke, wet dog, petrichor, lavender, ocean, corvidae, otherwordly corvidae, metal, gunpowder, death/rot, carrion, melancholy, (Primary scent is bitter herbs, cherry, and peppermint.)

Behavior: jumping spider, eldritch, merfolk. Otherwise den maker & denning iota,

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

Let me tell you about the tattoo that my mom hates (this is a long ass post btw)

✨️Trigger Warning✨️

Suicide / Depression

- - - - - -

Hey, hi, it's me. This is the only place I feel really open about sharing things - but with the holidays and cold months coming up I know how hard it can be for people who are struggling with depression/ bi polar / familial trauma, etc. So here's this post to remind you (and me) that we'll be okay. You and me. We will be okay. We are still breathing, and with every breath we take, we still have a shot at living the lives we've dreamed of.

You see this tattoo? I got it as a reminder. Oh yeah, also it's a Dark Souls tattoo. It says "Don't You Dare Go Hollow".

My mom HATES it, but she has come to terms with how much I love this tattoo.

But anyways, I got this tattoo to remind myself to keep going. I got it about 1-2 years after I attempted to leave this earth on my own accord.

Background (skip if you want)

It was 2020. I had been a Veterinary Assistant (technician basically depending on what state you're in, TN treats the assistants the same as technicians). Clients were beating me down dude. I had phones thrown at me. I had death threats. I had people telling me I was a worthless piece of shit. I wanted to help these animal, but to do that I felt like I had to take and accept this slurry of abuse. I was unmedicated. I felt alone. I felt like I was nothing. An empty vessel. So one day I was supposed to go to work and we were working on a skeleton crew. 12 to 13 hours a day, days in a row, sometimes we would still have to go in on our off days. I couldn't do it anymore. I called out. I said I was sick. The response "I'm sorry you're sick, but that puts our team in a hard spot". That was it. The last straw.

I ended up going to the ER. I stayed there for a week. And thrn I ended up in a mental institution for 3 days. I was started on Zoloft.

All was well for a little bit. I stayed in my profession and decided to go to Tech School to brighten my future and make some more money.

It was. The most stressful time of my life. While I did leave my previous clinic I switched to ER and Specialty and lasted only about 6 months there. Before I realized I was spiraling again. I felt like a failure as a tech. I was worthless. I wasn't enough. I got let go. If I had been doing this for 5 years and could do this what fucking good was I? I saw the signs. I understood what was happening. I sought help and went to group therapy at a behavioral hospital.

It was amazing. The people I met, the counselors, I made so many friends and people who believed in me. We increased the dosage of my meds.

Now. I'm at a new clinic. I'm spiraling again. I'm in bad health. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's stress from my career. I still come home sobbing. I come home feeling empty. No amount of medication can help free me from the unhappiness of my job. At one point I loved it. Somewhere along the way I realized that this isn't the life I want. I love your pets. I love my current clients. But I can't take the pressures of possibly getting hurt or sick. My back is messed up from this job, all of my joints pop and hurt, I have damaged and fractured my teeth from grinding them from stress. I am always tired. Working 10+ hours with just a one hour break isn't cutting it. I am miserable.

So.

I took the fucking leap guys. I'm doing it. I'm switching my career. I'm going back to my roots. I'm being creative and doing what. I started podcasting and realized how much I missed being myself. My VTNE is next month and I don't give a shit.

The game changer was really being inspired by the voice acting in Baulder's Gate 3. Hearing Neil Newbon's speech when he accepted his award made me cry. I took one of Steve Blums voice acting classes and . . . My God it was like finally hearing the affirmation I never got from my parents.

Back to the Tattoo

My point is, no matter how hard it gets, please allow yourself to enjoy the things you love and fuck what everyone else says. You do yourself a disservice if you don't give yourself a break. If you don't be true to yourself, if you don't strive for the life you've dreamed of.

It's why my tattoo is the Bonfire from Dark Souls. In your journey, you're going to fail multiple times. Sometimes, you get hung up on the same damn spot over and over and over again. Sometimes, you have to reface your enemies. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE BOSS BATTLES. You may fail thousands of times, but you know what you do? You go back to your bonfire- your safe place- and you heal up. You get the fuck back up the next day and do it again. Sometimes your game plan changes. You don't have to fight this boss today. You can fight him when you're ready. You don't have to make huge progress in the game today - you can dick around and look for good armor. You can change the whole path you take if you want to - it doesn't matter. In the end you will eventually accomplish what you've came to do.

I have really been fighting for my life lately, but I don't want to lose hope. If I give up, then I'll never see the end of the game or move on to the next one.

It's hard sometimes. But my favorite quote is:

"So if you ever find yourself in a slump, remember your purpose - whatever it may be - and never stop fighting for your goals, no matter how crazy they may seem. And don't you dare go hollow"

I don't know you guys but I love you. And if you need someone to tell you that personally my inboxes are open.

[amrv-5]

HI PARKER!!! trope meme ask:

time loops/time wonkiness, modern AU, noir AU (I know the answer but STILL), genderswap/genderfuckery, major character death, there was only one bed

LISAAAAAAAA these are all so GOOD????? THANK YOU!!!!!!!! This is JUST what I needed to focus on rn AHHHHHH. So good. So good. All answers are MASH btw of course. I got a one track brain rn:

Time loops/time wonkiness:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |

Yes. Yes. Love. Yes. Figurative time loops or time dilation or whatever? Where it just FEELS like things are taking forever but they aren’t? Love it. Literal time fuckery? Love it even more. I particularly love to think about the idea of a time loop in MASH as it relates to the sort of meta-angle of syndication. The idea that these characters are all, in some way, trapped reliving the same days of the war over and over for as long as we are watching them…that’s the stuff. Invokes something interesting to me about viewership / media voyeurism that I haven’t really pulled apart but. Fun. Makes me think. Love to play with. Ripe for tragic effect in-fic, fascinating at a meta-level. Fun fun fun fun fun.

Modern AU:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |

Hard no, I say, writing one. 

To be fair I only started playing with the idea to see if I thought it could be done. Generally my opinion of a modern MASH AU is that it divorces the characters from the circumstances that shape them so entirely that it might as well be playing with OCs. They are so deeply the products of their time and place that I really hate to see them taken out of their context. 

…That said, I’m finding that the modern AU I was chopping at started to work when I shoved them into a desperate modern situation. Instead of sticking them in the front lines of a land war, I shoved them into the front lines of modern American health care. Hawkeye and BJ as trauma/CT surgeons fighting a losing battle against the crushing bureaucracy of the American medical industry kind of…works? IMO? Not nearly as well as their original context, but it does allow Hawkeye to be desperate and angry and disgusted by the perversion of his profession for the profit of massive corporate interests, and it lets BJ be silently resigned to hell, and the both of them are trapped for a certain number of years in a way by medical debt and the fact that what the hell do you do if you quit being a surgeon, when so much of your life and identity revolves around your career? It works because it lets them field despair and lean on each other and shove against massive faceless machines of injustice that profit off exploitation of their skills. Tl,dr; I’m a hypocrite for disliking modern AUs, it’s true, I admit. I'll never say never, but it'd have to be done really intentionally to appeal to me, I think.

Noir AU:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |

LOVE!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!! I think it’s soooo sexy. I love noir, I’m a huge Raymond Chandler fan, and kind of subscribe to his writing approach in that frequently vibes and images are more the point of noir than watertight plot. There is very little I enjoy more than the type of stylized, image-focused writing that noir invites. I’ve been hacking away at a noir Beejhawk AU (AS YOU KNOW!!!!!!!! AH!!!!! I am working on. So many things. Help) and a consistent source of fun has been writing these smoky, dim, tense, sexy, ambient scenes where everybody’s circling each other and nobody is on quite the same page. Lots of Hawkeye standing around being lean and sharp and clever and melancholy, and lots of BJ being, and I’ve code-named him the Jackal in this fic where he’s a rouge and disillusioned beat cop with a gun to his head, sort of gleefully sadistic in moments. We know he’s got an in-canon capacity for violence that concerns and upsets him, and it’s been fun to let him take the limiters off and go a little wild with it. And of course how does guilt come back into play, because you KNOW it’s going to be there for him. Waiting. Always. Especially when he initially meets Hawk as a bit of an antagonist figure. God I gotta get back to writing this.

Genderswap/gender fuckery:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |

YES!!! No. Yes. [Parker is picky as usual alert] SOMETIMES I love it and sometimes it’s meh. I LOVE it when it seeks out to agitate borders of heteronormativity and make things queer. I think it’s soooo fun to get into characters’ psychology (obviously) and I love how many ways that gender swapping or gender fuckery can open itself up to questioning characters’ internal biases and assumptions. If it's just to make a gay ship straight w/no underlying interest in how that would change things, then nah.

That said I think BJ and Hawk are both sooooo fun to get genderfucky with. I think BJ is fun to use to see how he reacts to tearing down some of his intense 50s gender role feelings, and Hawkeye and his whole breeding kink (sorry) etc., so much fun. Drag is fun, gender fuckery is fun, crossing borders is fun, violating gender norms rules and is so cool and fun. I love queer people actually. Love to see it in fic. GET WEIRD W IT! I’ve decided this is actually a solid yes now that I’ve typed it out. GET WEIRD!!!!! I WANNA READ IT!!!!

Major character death: 

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |

NOOOOO AUUUUUGHHHHH. I will personally probably never write it (if it’s not temporary a la vampire!Hawk fic), but I think it CAN be done well but ouuuughhhhh. Hurts. Makes me soooo sad. I’m sure I’ve seen it done well but ohhhhhhhhhh.

There was only one bed:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |

Answered elsewhere but. I’ll say again that I FUCKING LOVE IT. Love pics that really delve into physical affection and one bed is soooo great for just. Everything about that. Accidental cuddling. Sharing space. Waking up wrapped in each other…..ooohhhhhhh I love. I love. 

Thanks AGAIN for this ask it was soooooo fun to get to really sit down and think through these!!!!!!!!!!!

[horrificmemes]

LOTS O’ Tips on Writing: Blindness

Hey y’all, so I’m not really a reference blog exactly, but I figured I would share some of my experience in writing (and in life) with a character type that a lot of people seem unsure of how to represent. That would be characters with partial or complete blindness. I myself have one character who is completely blind, and I too am on the low-sighted spectrum, so I figured I’d clear up a few misconceptions about characters with blindness! This is a long post, so part of it is under a read-more, but I include subjects ranging from medical details to describing non-visual senses to handling romantic relationships.

1) Blindness is totally a spectrum. Someone who is legally blind at 20/200 vision doesn’t see “nothing but black”. In fact, people who are legally blind can sometimes see enough to use some adjusted devices or read large-print books! Legal blindness (or low vision) means that someone’s eyesight is very poor even with their highest corrective lenses. 20/200 means that something 20 feet away from them has the same definition as something 200 feet away from a well-sighted person. That’s why 20/20 vision often represents “perfect” vision, because objects at 20 feet look like they’re... well, 20 feet away. Sometimes, legal blindness can be caused by natural degeneration from severe myopia (nearsightedness) from age, extreme strain, or just genetics.

2) When thinking of what a visually impaired person experiences as far as sight, ask yourself if the description is necessary first, then listen to interviews or podcasts for a description if you do need it. Please don’t take the word of someone with no eye function at all and apply it to someone with severe myopia or cataracts, because blindness varies. People with one cause of blindness may have cloudy vision, extremely blurred vision, ‘missing’ spots in their sight, or lack of color, while someone without any eye function (or without any eyes at all) will wonder why you’d even ask! Often “a black void” or “nothing but white” isn’t exactly true. Someone who doesn’t see color or light won’t see a lack of light either! Black? White? What? You really don’t have to even describe what they "see” unless they are partially-sighted.

3) Characters with all forms of disability can still do some badass shit. They can defend themselves as well as another character, they can learn to navigate a new space, they can play games and run and be athletic. They can be artists, musicians, or even own their own business. They can do their own household chores. They can be great parents. They can use modern tools and devices with the right adjustments. Don’t be afraid to let them accept - or ask for - help, but please don’t make it seem as though they’ve become useless. Give them all kinds of talents! (for example, my visually impaired muse can channel spirits, tends to her own herb garden, and is a classically-trained soprano. Possibilities are endless, you guys!)

4) Cause of blindness should be known if you insist on describing your character’s full facial appearance and how their blindness affects them. But remember this: you don’t have to draw attention to the appearance of someone’s eyes constantly. Don’t let that be the only thing that defines them. Here are a few tips though: many people who are legally blind have very ordinary-looking eyes. The cloudy white/blue eyes you often see is usually from diseases like cataracts, while paled eyes without visible pupils may be from congenital (childhood) glaucoma. Other forms of glaucoma cause black spots in the iris. Cataracts and glaucoma can coexist in one person. Eyes can have an inflamed red sclera from bacterial infection-induced blindness such as meningitis. Some infectious diseases require removal of the eyes (we see this in cats and other animals all the time). There are tons more reasons. When researching the cause of your character’s blindness, pay attention to the level of impairment, because not all causes of blindness have the same outcome!

5) People whose eyes have nerve damage don’t always move perfectly together. As tempting as it is to give your visually impaired character the ability to eerily stare directly into someone else’s gaze all the time, often people who lack nerve control in the eyes have issues of mobility now and again or even constantly: eyes that move independently, one or both eyes that won’t move at all, one pupil stuck in full dilation (anisocoria), and they may not be aware that their eyes are moving in odd places. Please don’t use this as fuel for humor, as some folk go out of their way to cover their eyes constantly because of this. Speaking of cover, not all visually impaired people wear sunglasses like the cliche in movies. Many will wear them in public because their eyes are very sensitive to light rays or because the light gives them horrible headaches, while others choose to cover their eyes because they’re aware that their eyes lack mobility control or they’re shy about a drooping lid/etc. Not everyone who has problems with vision wears something over their eyes.

More information on memories, relationships, and making the best of five senses are in the read-more!

6) Memories - let’s talk about memories. Often, someone who goes completely blind before the ages of 7-8 won’t have many visual memories at all once they reach adulthood. They may not recall color, details of faces, or how to visually recall the shapes of objects. Objects may be described with adjectives such as “sharp”, “bumpy”, “dry”, “cold”, etc. Dreams are often not visual in this case. Please avoid the stereotype of “my character has been blind since birth, but they can see perfectly in their dreams and recognize everything just fine” unless something wickedly supernatural or divine is at work. People who are blind still dream! Some have reported extremely vivid dreams that are a lot like their waking life - full of smells, taste, tactile senses, emotions, sound (and fury, signifying nothing). That was a Shakespeare joke. Fight me. Also remember that if your character has recently gone through surgery to regain sight, they could likely still automatically rely on other senses out of habit or to ‘check’ what they’re perceiving. Sure, they can see that flower pot in front of them now, but maybe they want to touch it too. Who wouldn’t? Flower petals are super nice and soft.

7) The other five senses are amazing. Did I say five? You bet your ass, I did. Because there’s one sense people tend to forget, and that’s ‘aura’ or ‘proximity’. Have you ever been sitting with your eyes closed, but you can feel someone walk behind you even if they’re trying to be super quiet? If that can happen to you, it can happen to someone without vision also! Don’t be afraid to note that your visually impaired character isn’t so vulnerable that they’re startled by everything. It’s fine to let other characters be delicate or careful with them, especially if they’re still getting to know one another and their friends are being considerate, but you don’t have to make them so paranoid that they never trust their surroundings. Have them smell someone’s shampoo as they walk by. Have them hear a whisper from an adjoining room. Have them sense the electricity of their partner just as they’re about to embrace them, or lean in for a kiss without having to be guided because they can find their lips by feeling their breath. Let them be courageous with their hands, identifying objects or people confidently through touch. Let them initiate. 

8) Speaking of partners: just because your character may not be able to see someone’s face/body doesn’t mean they can’t be attracted to them, have crushes, lust after someone, or fall in love. Think of a sighted character for a moment. What do they love about their partner or crush? I’m sure you’ve got a list of over a dozen things unrelated to appearance, and guess what? Those are perfect here! Your visually impaired muse may adore someone’s voice, their scent, their laugh, how soft their skin is, their calloused well-worked hands, how long/short their hair is, playing with their thick curls, how warm their hugs are, their sense of humor, their determination, or some talent they have that makes them incredible. Don’t refuse your character an experience without a solid reason.

9) On that same subject, it shouldn’t even need to be said: visually impaired characters cover all ranges of sexual and romantic preference. Absolutely your character can be ace, aro, or a combination. But please avoid the excuse of “they don’t feel attraction because they can’t perceive beauty, so therefore they aren’t fit for a relationship”. If sexual preference was all about how nice someone looks, I’d have 4000 pictures of Ryan Reynolds on my bedroom wall. A+ face right there. Then again, I may still make a collage of his twitter posts.

10) Give your character tools. Not just a cane, but let them use their whole body to help them navigate. Counting steps, listening for cues in a certain area, touching the furniture, and relying on memory as well. Let them walk the streets about town, remembering a certain smell from the restaurant two blocks from home, or the sound of the coffee grinder from the bookstore at the corner. In a modern verse, using an ATM card is a great way to let your character make purchases without making them worry “shit, did I just give them a $20 for my $5 purchase?” Let your character organize their things in such a way that they can pick out their necessities confidently. Independence, people!

11) Here’s a bonus note: some people have used echolocation to help them navigate (usually by tapping a cane or other tool against surrounding surfaces to feel/hear the vibration return to them). This is super cool but also super rare to do perfectly. If this is your character’s thing, it’s very significant and special to them - unless they live in a society where everyone is capable of it, this is a talent that will make them stand out and should be used wisely. It’s easy to collect lots of super cool talents and abilities and realize all too late that some people might be rolling their eyes at a very over-skilled character.

12) Your visually impaired character can be clumsy. They can have terrible sense of direction. They can be anxious or easily startled due to their natural disposition. They can mix up their night and day. All of that is fine, but it’s not all necessary. Don’t forget to sprinkle in some useful skills or even a positive outlook! A character with blindness is not a useless character or a helpless character, and one person with a visual impairment may handle their daily life completely different than another. You can have a character who is blind but not a source of pity.

This is not a complete list of everything you’d need to know, but it’s a start if you’re very interested in RPing as a character with some level of blindness. I hope this helped, and if you have questions, please feel free to IM me or ask a question off anon so that I can answer privately. :)

[mercyisms]

Niche Nona liveblogging: John 20:8 - Day Three

For fun and my own future reference, and to contain as many spoilers as possible, I am liveblogging NTN but consolidating my thoughts and some lines that especially jump out at me. Yes, there will be utterly too much attention to old Lyctor lore. I am what I am. I’m consolidating these roughly into thirds + scheduling them in intervals. I am not sure how interesting this will be but!! If you want to see me scream at every passing mention of Mercymorn, this is the place. Also apologies in advance for not editing. Spoilers up until page 129 in the hardcover, or the Day Three divider. 

“It was me and A—and M—at the start.” I know we’ve already got these first two chapters in the previews, but from this initial moment, I, and my Augustine&Mercymorn (and Augustine/Mercymorn) was sated and thanked Tamsyn Muir infinitely for sustenance. I was extremely vindicated to learn Mercy was medical and extremely thrown but delighted to hear Augustine was also a scientist, but of course “handled the shareholders.” God. “You know the worst part? She cried. She and A—both cried. In each other’s arms, like babies. They were so fucking scared.” At which point I was overwhelmed because of course, of course, they repeat and repeat and the potential that Augustine and Mercymorn lived and died as A—and M—died? I must sit down. Things that I obviously think and will state here, once, but assume it is happening over and over again: Nona, I love you, I love you, I love you. Pyrrha Dve, I love you, I am free on Monday, I am free on Tuesday, I am free on whatever days I am not promising to Camilla Hect, whom I love and am free on Monday, on Tuesday, on—and Palamedes, you are nice too. Also let’s quickly discuss these 10ish chapters in whole. I have always been team Nona is Alecto in whomever’s body. And we stake out, here, that I’ll be assuming it is Harrow’s body and Alecto’s soul. This assumption driven a) contextually, we know this was supposed to a blip in Alecto initially and frankly it being Alecto’s soul makes the most sense, sorry to meta-game, but b) that John is talking to ‘Harrow’ but clearly reciting Alecto’s history, or his history with Alecto and c) the end of John 5:20/start of Chapter 7 demonstrates that we only get John-to-‘Harrow’ when Nona is asleep, suggesting a tie (ingenious btw) and d) Nona being mistaken for a fourteen year old reads much more strongly of Harrow’s body (angry gothic shrimp) than Gideon’s (which, at last update, was perfectly preserved, with we assume muscle intact). I further subscribe to the Resurrection Beasts are the souls of the planets and Alecto is the RB of earth. We’ll pivot from these assumptions as necessary, but here’s where I’ve hedged my bets! Okay. “It was no fun, my child.” Take a shot every time Pyrrha is parental and then flashback to when Pyrrha just wanted to know why Wake had brought the baby and think very deeply about, I believe, Pyrrha’s longing to be parental. Pyrrha Dve, adopt me. “Nine million, Pyrrha. That’s the equivalent to the whole of the Seventh and Eighth put together.” This figure genuinely shocked me & I did not realize the scale of the empire and also that Silas was truly in charge of over a million people?? Props to that anemic teen. That is a big cult. (I am once again begging someone to show me the Eighth.) “You should… Gideon used to think about running away there. I know how to farm.” Previously stated, but I cannot believe Em and I called Gideon farming vibes (close enough!), Cassy lawyer vibes, and Mercy pre-med vibes. That’s almost a full bingo row! Anyway, eating up every detail about Gideon and signs of agency with a fork. “One of the reasons that they called her Nona was that the first thing she ahd said, when they saved her and brought her was ‘No, no.’” Having also participated in Nabokov brainrot rummer (shoutout @gothicenjoyer​) I am deeply intrigued by this thread of a character’s professed lack of consent becoming the basis for her name. There is something very tasty here. To be unpacked later? When Nona tells you all of Pyrrha’s code words and you’re like “this will almost certainly be deeply relevant to the plot later, but it’s also, like, chapter one so I’m not going to remember it.” Flagged p38 (page numbers in hardcover), and Nona’s burgeoning lessons on, for simplicity, “being human” to later compare with Mercy’s assertion that Alecto could never fake being human, was fundamentally inhuman – if Nona = Alecto. We’ll come back to this. We’ll also see if “Nona [felt] a little bit offended on the planet’s part” has any secondary payoff.   “Nona longed to lie, but didn’t know how to stop her body from telling the truth.” (47) I think I’ll want this quote later. Understanding all languages + body language + honesty. “… the pride of having Pyrrha, the familiarity of seeing someone and knowing they belonged to you.” (54) Kevin is a visionary. The Angel being referred to as sir. The Gender is beginning. Also really important having a crush on your teacher representation, huh? I see you Hot Sauce. Speaking of Gender, obligatory joke about using a sword or magicking bones being The Two Genders, but of course, ave has already written the essay on it. “Nice to nibble at, boring otherwise.” “She’s used to people loving her anyway,” I will also eat all of the Coronabeth content with a spoon. We are assuming based on the names and that The Captain is, obviously, Judith. “She was made to be immune to blue light.” I hope this book will help me resolve whether Mercy actually inadvertently looked at RB7 or what?? Or what???? Said the only person in the world who is still caught on that blip from HTN. “Making the same shape as his mouth had done like she did when speaking languages.” I’mmmm well, frankly, I cannot believe the way to fully invest me in Palamedes was to put him in Camilla’s body. This situation remains delicious and tragic. I will sit down in the bath now. “C—was panicking because… she was getting recalled to England” God I cannot believe Cassiopeia is British #representation, but I am very listening. Pyrrha being a cop. Checks out! “Oh my God, you’re drinking, aren’t you. You’re on anphetamines, Youa re on coke. You are on amphetamines and coke. I was all like Yeah. . . Coke Zero.” I cannot believe this. I cannot believe this, and I love you Mercymorn Nolastname. “G—always thought anything I did or said was fine. Not necessarily right, but fine.” Once again eating the G1deon content. “…all the ones I touched, all the ones I loved…” (76)

“Because I remind her that her God was just a human being who could get tired and fuck up.” We are nibbling on the Pyrrha/Wake content, but also relevant, relevant. “I’ve got a broken heart and I’ll never love again.” Again, nibbling. Big bite of them. Thank you, TM. “Of course they were apart, separated forever by a matter of minutes” I am experiencing an emotion over the tragedy but also “but Nona knew they talked to each other in pages of letters and letters and letters” cf. their relationship to Dulcinea? The inherent epistolary form of the Sixth house? “When Gideon and I designed that trial, I used to crack his skull and sieve it myself, just as a control variable… The only other people I put through that damn trial were Mercy and Cris, because only Cris didn’t mind being trepanned on the regular.” Cristabel Oct I love you, I am obsessed with you, I want to put you in a jar and carry you forever. I am also deeply interested in how hands on this suggests the ‘cavaliers’ were + collaborative with the research (vs. ‘contemporary’ necro/cav relations) and also… Pyrrha and Mercy… collaborators… h*t. “On the first day, A—believed… A—said I looked cool. He was the only one.” At which point I began frothing at the mouth because man, Augustine (and Mercymorn, and everyone, but especially) really was fully in your corner, and you killed that guy. You really killed that guy. You killed your two+ best friends.  “A—and M—moved in with me.” We are also HIGHLY attuned to how often A/M are referred to and operate as a unit. I’m obsessed. I’m fed. “A—was trying so hard to bring me back down to earth… He’d swapped with M--.” At what point are they truly divorcees? You know? “…squabbled with A--. At least that made me feel normal. That was their usual double act. It was only when they felt the same thing that I knew it was serious.” Lmao, fuck me up. “make time go away” is of note re: theories that John can stop time. OBSESSED that Ulysses and Titania were ‘shells’?? WHERE are their souls and how does that square with, iirc, Augustine or John calling Ulysses “that madman.” SOMEONE tell me more. (Also “They weren’t around to say yes or no. I was starting to really care about that.” Casually tracking when/where John cares about autonomy and consent.) “still as a statue in the park, only her head was still on of course” “swim in salt water for hours” to me, this is further Alecto/Earth evidence, but I am too livid that Tamsyn worked in a JANDALS. Although, truly, Nona deserves them. But “salt water made her feel… she would suddenly know the words to tell them everything.” Cf. a reverse-engineered Ninth House tradition of saltwater and honesty? Are these related?? “or hearing the door open when you were really lonely” Noting Nona’s atonement to loneliness. Also it is very beautiful and all the more so for its framing as a human essential. (107)

Merv Wing. Someone called the Angel. Are we getting a hint of Neon Genesis Evangelion? Merv. Nerv. Merv. Nerv. Hm……. Feasting on Pyrrha’s caution and condemnation of the Eightfold. (115) Oh, I forgot but Pyrrha saying she’d have an easier time pimping out Augustine and Alfred… Augustine Quinque, seen murdered in the streets. But also. God, tell me more. “That’s a feeling,” said Pyrrha brutally. “Kill it.” A line to power many a Pyrrha Dve fic, to be sure. Noting that Nona can “hear [Varun/RB7] sing.” “I don’t let go,” said Camilla. “It’s my one thing.” “M—dry-retching in the corner.” I love youuu. I cannot believe all of these fuckers were varying degrees of Christian and am simply begging for Nigella, should she be (re)named after Nigella Lawson, to have some Jewish energy. Alas. I know. We are in the Christian book zone. “M—had been a hard atheist since she was twelve. But she got over it. She was a walking contradiction anyway. Her best friend in the whole world was a nun. Also at some point A—gave her a benzo and a shot of whiskey, so that helped.” A/M strikes again, but, like, come on. Come on. We’re not introducing a nun and not having that be Cristabel… I said, vibrating into the next dimension. Come onnn. Show me this nun and also tell me more. What kind of nun? Is this a Prime of Miss Jean Brodie situation or what? A Sister Act vibe? Is ther any Maggie Smith energy is what I’m asking. These are the totality of my nun references. “So of course, what do M—and A—do, they go raid a fucking graveyard.” FRANKLY the number of times these two go off and plot and execute things together on their own… Anyway, I will write this fic and I hope everyone else writes this fic too. I want 100 comedies of grave digging errors with M + A. Also, I feel gratified for spoofing that Hamlet grave digging scene (lightly) in my one Augustine/Mercymorn fic. I really, really do. “See, I did make a utopia.” He is joking, of course, but fascinating potential implications if John really does consider his project utopian and cf. Augustine’s analysis that the entirety of his empire is all for “symbolic retribution.” In the way that this series has constantly fisheyed outwards, from a competition between the elites of the empire (representatives of the internal politics of the empire) to the emperor’s inner circle (the external politics of the empire and its equally external threats), I think it is incredibly smart to take us outside the empire and into a contested place under occupation. I also think it is, thus far, really well rendered. And what an efficient way of fully re-orientating every assumption we may have abt John’s empire and how it operates. Good stuff. I’m sure there will be much more to say here in time. Future installments will be in this tag xoxo. Treat yourself to a Coke Zero is you did read this all the way through. God bless.

[hamletteprinceofdenmark]

Also I hope this was clear in my previous metas, but if you’re someone with medical trauma, especially in the mental health field, I am not at all discrediting that Seward’s entries and all the stuff surrounding the asylum may be difficult or triggering to read.

Your own well-being should always come first, and if your own experiences make it difficult to see Seward in a sympathetic light, I totally get that.

Engage with Dracula in whatever way is best for you. Reading summaries of the asylum parts might be the best way to go as unfortunately, it is a rather large and important part of the novel. Skipping over it entirely will leave you pretty lost.

The point of my metas was to give historical context to Seward’s character and explain how his character was intended to be read by a contemporary audience. The formalised field of psychology was in its infancy. That’s why Seward had a surgical knife in his pocket btw! He is a Doctor (all extras included). The idea of separating the profession into different specialities wasn’t really a thing yet, so Seward would technically be just as qualified to perform surgery or treat a cough as he would dealing with mental patients (again according to the standards of his time not ours). The reason he’s seen as a “psychiatrist” in this novel is because he is currently in charge of the asylum, so that’s where his focus (and possibly his main interest generally) lies.

But yes, medical trauma is very real and valid and if you don’t like Seward, or find parts with him and the asylum in it difficult to read, because of that, there’s not much I can do or say to countermand that, nor should I. That’s your journey, not mine.

Everyone take care of themselves however they see fit, my role here is only to provide context and knowledge so you can make decisions that are a little more informed 💛

[rurifangirl]

oc askssssss💃💃

《~•°🌸kayn🌸°•~》

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?

《~•°🌸rui🌸°•~》

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

《~•°🌸lyva🌸°•~》

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

《~•°🌸shoe🌸°•~》

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

《~•°🌸qiran🌸°•~》

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?

《~•°🌸naexi🌸°•~》

8. How does your character feel about religion?

《~•°🌸evelyn🌸°•~》

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

《~•°🌸myst🌸°•~》

13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?

《~•°🌸kerei🌸°•~》

3. Brothers, sisters? Who do they like? Why? What do they despise about their siblings?

《~•°🌸syndra🌸°•~》

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

Aight, let's go w another one you whore😍

💜Kayn-

Overall he's pretty much in control? Like, he's really self aware of his limits and how weak he is so he would have somethin, but I think most of the times he'd still do somethin outta the blue. You're on a mission with him? He's gonna try and pet that little death servitor that just tried to kill ya. So yeah, even tho he knows n Is self aware he's still pretty damn much impulsive.

N also would do anything in his power to make ya feel as good as ya can n doesn't really have much regolation at that point- So really It depends on context/day.

💎Rui-

They have like, a lil simile always with them. Like even when they're not doing/feeling anything special they still have a lil smirk w them. Plus they also wanna seem approachable so then again, I'm sayin that they'd have a sorta cheerful expression

📙Lyva-

I mean she doesn't really had that much of a profession. She would've liked being a medic but since she well, run away, she never got the occasion to nor the knowlege, so even though she enjoys being an adventurer with the gang she would've 100% liked studying abroad to learn more bout erbs rather than stopping some cult that got in the way.

But she'd help others trying to study something too.

🍵Shoe- (Shou)

Listen, Korekiyo's voice. Am I self projecting? Yes. But just, Korekiyo mf Shinguji's voice onto him. That's litteraly the best way I can put his voice and I'll die onto this hill.

LIKE LISTEN TO THIS SHIT

IT'S PERFECT

🗡️Qiran-

Thecnically speaking they still had an own education, but I think that being a traveller influenced A LOT more their ways of talking/behaviour in general. In fact they do speak in a somewhat of an accent, though they can very much understand complex texts too.

But they do have a strong accent, or takin out words from phrases to sound more southern in a way or nother.

⚛️Naexi-

They feel absolutely great bout It, since It Is part of human behaviour too. Or part of some types of folktores. It's really interesting for her to understand how a religion in particular works.

Like why are the whorshipped gods painted like that? Why are the offerings in that specifical way? How Is that going to influence all of that? All of these combined in one, THAT Is something that Is really interesting for them.

I could ramble a lot bout It but i got other ocs to feed 😩

⚙️ Evelyn-

HOHIHOHO SO, it's very based of their appereance. Like that steam-punk vibe? Absolutely like that. Everything's on that whole topic and he's absolutely livin it. She also has lots of projects messed up in their room n it's just, really REALLY messy around. The only clean part Is Sunshine's cell (which being their cockatoo btw) that he cares bout.

The other parts of the house are based off like that and are much smaller.

🎸Myst-

He didn't really get an education of her own, but definetly like, if she did he would've 100% been that loudy and cheerfull classmate everyone seems to be Friends w. That's really the best way I could put It.

Though honestly he would've prefferred going to school ESPECIALLY since she was young, but he unfortunatly never had the choise other than some gifts here n there :(

🔮Kerei-

Well... he's Qiran's older brother so 😃 We gonna get funky when he's gonna get introduced cuz spoilers he wasn't really much of a good brother to him n his other siblings.

He doesn't despise them for a good reason he just, never really wanted to have anything w them, though currently and after a lot of time in isolation he, he regrets it. All of It.

But Is way too scared to try and tie something back togheter with everyone. Much more will be in his post so ill not go further for now

⛩️Syndra-

Depending on the person, but yeah. I can totally see her gaining some form of pleasure into seeing suffering. I mean not when it's coming from the only people she cares about, but in most cases It's like that. Though she'd now avoid It not because it realized that it's wrong but more of that it's usless doing so.

Tags undercut:

@a-chaotic-dumbass @spoopy-fish-writes @damnfoxx @nadi-117 @dopesaladlady @audre-falrose @ahmanetsmultifandom

[allthecloudsbelow]

Bill Gates Owns Majority of US  Farmland.. hmmmm

hmmm well let's think about this.. first he controlled your computers.. with creating virus' and then creating an anti virus to fix said problem.. then he got on the medical profession wagon and created a virus and a vaccine to 'save' the same people .. who are part of the population problem.. ey? remember those conferences an big TED talks and so on on birth control and CONTROLLING the population.. hmm google GEORGIA STONES ! or u can stick ur tail between ur legs and label this .. 'conspiracy theory' LMAO then he got onto the climate change wagon.. to help us all understand that climate change is such a huge issue i mean.. hmm what could we possibly do to not contribute to this anymore.. i wonder what shares he has in the 6 big corporations responsible for most if not all of the climate's exposure to dangers.. hmmmmm now hmm owns most of farmland... i wonder why !! ??  can anyone take a guess. (please provide us your guess below ) .. let's dissect this and break it down .. (oh btw Biden/Harris supporters aka black satanic supremacists can leave now. yeah me no likey your toxicity.. so be gone ) his wife wears an upside own cross.. and literally looks like mr rogers dressed as a woman but hey .. today's normality is accepting the freaks and the frauds.. who are out to kill us all.. wow society. well one. now make sure u register for your death vaccine and wear those parasite filled slave masks ey .. obey your masters !!! and make sure u hate people like myself.. i am what u call a truther.. and i will die being one.

btw.. patiently waiting for Facebook to remove this post and block me for another 3 days OR remove my account for discussing anything against their cabal narrative . 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/05/bill-gates-climate-crisis-farmland?fbclid=IwAR0J039myfkHAHaMS6PP3GS9u1HVWZVPx35i99bXAsns3J65SuL6mFED6M8

[pleasuringmyprincess]

Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October.  Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed. 

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed. 

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it.  But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters. 

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted. 

[og-danny-dorito]

SpiderMan Noir Headcanons

S F W:

- he gets very flustered very easily, but he's good at hiding it. for instance, of you say something to compliment him he'll just blush up and cross his arms, quietly thanking you for the compliment and seeming like he doesn't care much. but under that mask his face is bright red and his mind is racing

- since he has such bad eyesight (he's near sighted) he can really barely see without his glasses, so he ends up getting very nervous when he can't find them in the morning. like his eyesight is so bad that if he tries to look at something without the mask it's just a blur of mixed colors and light and he can't make out anything

- this causes him to actually have lenses specifically for his eye type in his mask, rather than having a pear of bulky glasses underneath. it's more tactical that way (can't punch nazis if you can't see em)

- he doesn't actually take a lot of time to do his hair in the morning, surprisingly. while his hair isn't extremely neat and he takes pride in how cleanly cut it is, he ends up not having the time to actually do it. he's either rushing out or the door to work or rushing to stop some crime that's been happening that requires urgent assistance. this also means that he barely ever eats breakfast, and when he does he ends up just stuffing it in his face before running out of the door

- with an s/o I'd imagine he'd try to regulate this so he can eat breakfast with them in the morning, but that almost never happens and he ends up coming home nearly exhausted and ends up just eating dinner with them instead

- on the rare occasion he does get to spend some quality time with them though, he makes the most of it by giving them ALOT of affection. quite honestly he appreciates them, even though he thinks he doesn't do a good job of showing it sometimes. he's young but he's always busy 

- normally peter’s a pretty clean guy, and so if he's on a patrol he doesn't exactly get hurt a lot, but he's not invincible. most of the time he ends up coming home at 3:00 am with his side bleeding or some of his clothes ripped, resulting in you having to haul out of bed to stitch him up. honestly you should have a medical degree by now from how many times he's come home needing stitches

- since his timeline takes place during WWII, it's safe to assume that he's nearly an expert on being conservative. no, I don't mean conservative as in run-of-the-mill dude in the southern hills, I mean conservative as in repairing nearly everything. seriously, he doesn't want to have to spend money on new clothes and so he just resorts to repairing everything

- this means that socks, shirts, even things that have just grown old with time are usually mended up and fixed in no time, earning him nearly expert stitching skills. he's even sewed a few things! (even though he ended up forgetting about them entirely and denying he ever made them once you'd find them)

- idk where I found the pic, but I saw this art of noir smoking and I was like 👀 interesting do you mind if I take that concept dear sir/ma’am/unspecified-gender-person (actually wait i found it  https://mobile.twitter.com/kookirani/status/1082319828247994369)

-  yeah, he smokes, I know that's craaaaazy

- it's mostly a coping mechanism, in all honesty. on the contrary he wouldn't know that its kinda dangerous though, since smoking was deemed as dangerous in the late 1950s and WWII took place during the late 1930s-1940s. so yeah, to him it's totally normal (a lil bit of facts there for y'all)

- a lot of the time you'll be able to find him standing on the balcony with a cigarette between his lips, his shirt off for the bandages and other things to get some air as he tries to ease into his own comfortability and think over what he could've done better over the past patrol. it's almost like an assessment of sorts

- speaking of not having shirts on, he's about 5″10 and has a sorta muscular build. obviously his shoulders a broad, and so he really look so like a grown ass man with his deep voice to accompany his aesthetic. he's got a lot of scars as well from previous accidents, such as one on his lower torso from being stabbed while breaking up a street fight and one on his knee where he accidentally flew into a wall. but while he may seem rough and hardened on the exterior, he's got a few weaknesses that prove that he's really just a kid wearing a suit (he's 19 btw)

- on an angst level, he's too compassionate for his own good. for instance, he doesn't kill, but finds it right in his mind to offer redemption to his opponents while still defending the weak and helpless, just as he once was. while he's not a complete pushover obviously he does help people a lot out of the mask. people are struggling during these times, and the women and families that need his help are still out there and around him (it's WWII, shits not great)

- this means that he frequently fixes things for neighbors when they can't afford a repairman, comforts kids who lost their mothers in the crowded streets of Queens, defends minorities both with and without the mask, and so on and so forth. overall he's just a nice guy with a strong sense of justice, and doesn't mind to occasional scrape or so on his knees if it means protecting the people he cares about without even meeting

- peter ends up getting a little...reckless because of this though

- when that's said, that's means that he will literally jump in front of a bullet for anyone. even if it gets him hurt. he's selfless, and a lot of the time he's hurt because of it. but telling him that he can't possibly save everyone is pointless

- “"So what? I should stop trying just because I can't help everyone? That means helping no one gets the same results. I'm not gonna watch people drop like flies cause I can't save the world.”

- yeah angsty as fuck, but he means it. his words come out harsh, but he tries to apologize for being so rough

- “"I'm sorry, I just...” He'd pause. “"I can't watch it anymore. I'm not a bystander. I won't be a bystander.”

- and with that he'll pull you into a hug and just hold onto you tightly, almost as if you'll fade away and leave him if he doesn't

- you're part of him, and you might be on earth of the only things keeping him safe. you're the representation of the good he protects, and god help him I feel he ever fails at something to simple

- anyway that's enough angst let's talk about LIVING with him :3

- it's the little moments that mean the most to him, in all honesty. he doesn't even need you to be the domestic one really, since he views you both as a team rather than husband and housewife

- he usually does most of the cleaning and cooking though I'd imagine since Aunt May taught him to clean up after himself and respect his and everyone else’s space. you going out and getting groceries or just cleaning the clothes for him is enough, so if you're one to typically work around the house more often and take the time to make sure everything's is perfect, he'll partially thank heaven they sent you to him and feel a lot like he's slacking on his part

- he likes to pamper you, give you gifts. expect a bouquet of flowers almost every Friday when he comes home, his smile wide on his face as he professes his love to you through a bunch of cheesy one-liners

- but he also likes to be taken care of and pampered himself, although he never admits it. once again anything small makes him happy, so if you go all out he literally can't stop thanking you. washing his hair, cooking for him, making him things, he loves everything, and appreciates the thought behind it

- to be honest I'm sure he's not really attracted to a certain body type in particular, it's your kindness that infatuated him. generally polite, kindof shy people just make him that much more enamoured, but he likes someone with a good head on their shoulders and a strong sense of justice and morality just as much (if not more)

- if you were a crime fighter, peter would be absolutely enamoured with you. he knows you can hold up your own better this way, and that you don't really need that much protection. he prefers to work alone, but if he has to work as a partner with anyone it'd be you and ONLY you. no third wheels

- but this comes with a downside; peter gets extremely worried when you get injured. he knows better than anyone that it's really just part of the job, but his heart can't help but stammer a little when he sees a bloody lip and bruises all over. you bet your ass he’ll take care of whoever hurt you asap if you haven't yourself

- you hurt his s/o your ass is grass m8

- he also doesn't get really jealous, but if someone is hitting on you he feels not worthy enough or just angry in general

- he usually needs a lot of reassurance, maybe a hug or a kiss after he gets particularly emotionally exhausted. he likes to sit in silence a lot, either thinking or just watching you as you do chores around the house or watch tv. he loves you a lot, and he could watch you just absentmindedly talk about your day or your friends for hours

- really random btw, but this dude can sing. he doesn't think it really necessary so he doesn't outwardly flaunt it, but when he's listening to a song he likes it's easy to catch him humming along to the tune or singing the chorus. it's deep, breathy, right on the verge of raspy almost, and his eyes seem calm when he does

- usually he really only listens to jazz and swing, so you can listen to him using his voice perfectly when the singer over the radio hits a particularly complicated note. if you catch him in the act though he'll immediately blush up, his whole face turning red as he stutters out something to say

- you'd take his hand, grinning, asking him he'd want to dance with you as you smile up at him widely. he agrees, letting his body press to yours as you slow dance around the kitchen, living room, etc. his head will drop to your shoulder, inhaling your scent as he sings softly to you and sways gently from side to side, sharing a moment of wordless emotion that you both understand, share, and relish in. he’ll kiss you, letting his hands fall to your waist loosely to grip you as yours to his shoulders in a sort of grounding gesture. and so you dance, sharing a quiet waltz as lovers in the comfort of your modest home

- all in all, he loves you, too much to where you'd ever imagine. he's not exactly the most sensual, yeah, but that doesn't mean he won't try. you mean the world to him, and he'll go through hell and back just to keep that smile on your face and those eyes bright

 ( for https://zovatm.tumblr.com/, love you bro <3

- Ya Boi 🖤💜💛)

[wolfhuntsmoon]

Sarah Rogers pt 2: or, how baby!Steve imbibed a fuck-you attitude with his mother’s milk

Okay, so after looking at Sarah’s backstory, how she met Joseph and had Steve and decided to go to America, I couldn’t stop thinking about: what next? The MCU wiki is VERY thin on the ground with detail, and she’s so interesting! Plus, this is, like, one of the most criminally underdeveloped sources for Steve Rogers’ character, as I mentioned in pt 1. So, what can we reasonably source from the time to fill in the gaps?

So: I said in my previous post Sarah likely arrives in January/February of 1918. This is because in those days, travel times were long, conditions were VERY poor and you did not want to be heavily pregnant on a cheap ship to America with the conditions on board. Plus, in those days there was no guarantee a ship company would even sell you a ticket if you were visibly pregnant. It did happen, but was risky for the company, so you could never be sure. Sarah would have left asap once she made a decision. 

The journey itself would have taken about 3-4 weeks. First she would have had to travel to London, because nothing would have been leaving to America from the French or Belgian coastline, as a) most of it was too close to the war and b) the bits that weren’t wouldn’t have been profitable. Travel to London from Passchendaele would have taken a few days to a week, given the mud and absolute priority troops and military materials were given on all journeys. This map here shows it took between 7-10 days to arrive in New York from London (by ship, no flights until the late 1920s/1930s) in 1914 before the outbreak of the war. I mentioned how at this point the German U-boats were basically sinking anything they found not flying a German flag, which made this journey pretty hazardous, even with the newly introduced (and very effective) protection of the convoy system. If Sarah was travelling on a fast convoy (less likely as they were primarily for troop ships) it would have taken about a week. Slower moving convoys carrying mostly cargo might have taken 2 weeks, even 2 and a half weeks if the weather was bad. Convoys, by the way, were where groups of ships were clustered together and escorted across the Atlantic by a combination of naval ships bristling with every explosive known to man, and navy ships disguised to look like harmless merchant cargo ships but ALSO bristling with every explosive known to man, to prevent U-boats sinking them. And also attack U-boats when they turned up. Not if. When. As you may be imagining, these journeys often contained lots of Things Going Boom and people Dying in Unpleasant Ways. Sarah would have been told by literally everyone she knew that this was a stupid, near-lethal decision, and that she should just NOT. But Sarah being Sarah, ignored this in the pursuit of what she felt was right and best for her and her baby... that doesn’t sound familiar at all, does it?

Okay, so she’s made it through the journey to the iconic Ellis Island. The next problem was that Immigration to the USA was incredibly curtailed by 1918, compared to the levels of immigration to the US prior to WWI beginning. In this, Sarah was lucky. Prior to WWI, on average between 1900-1914 about 1 million immigrants arrived into the US each year. In 1918, roughly 110,000 did - Sarah being one of them. I’ve said before that she would have had an easier time getting passage on a ship in the first place because she was comparatively better off on a nurse’s wage and was a middle class professional. More than that, most travel was reserved for the military - and Sarah likely had connections, being the wife of an American soldier, which made it easier for her to gain passage on a ship. (More on this later.)

Her status and profession is also very important for explaining how Sarah gained entry to the US, because by the end of WWI, the open door policy of the 19th and early 20th century had been solidly shut. The open-door policy had essentially allowed anyone who could pass a very basic medical and legal check free entry to reside in the USA, and the Ellis Island museum has a very good description of just how cursory these checks were - they were nicknamed the ‘six second physicals’. 98% of immigrants passed straight away, and a only a very small percentage of the remainder were put on a ship back to their country of origin. But by the outbreak of WWI, politicians and the public had become uneasy about this. Mostly due to racial concerns - Chinese immigration was the first to be restricted in 1882 with the Chinese Exclusion Act. Japanese immigrants were targeted in 1907 and all Asian immigrants in 1917. (I see a lot of posts on tumblr talking about how immigration restrictions in the US began by denying Jewish refugees entry in the 1930s, which... is wrong. So, so wrong. But anyway.) Here is a contemporary cartoon showing a pretty good summary of attitudes to immigration by the time Sarah would have been travelling:

(The 3% refers to immigration restrictions put in place by Congress AFTER the war, btw.)

But the US wasn’t just worried about one continent’s people! Or even ‘just’ non-whites! Oh no... they were also VERY worried about the ‘wrong sort’ of white immigrant too. Namely, anyone from southern and eastern Europe, and the Irish. 

The discrimination against the Irish is an interesting one, because on the face of it, the Irish were the kind of immigrants the US wanted - north and western Europeans. But here’s where eugenics and pseudoscience come along and fuck things up for a lot of people. Part of the reason why the US was suspicious of southern and eastern Europeans was political - that they harboured a tendency towards violent revolutions, communism and anarchy. The Irish, after the violence of the 1916 Easter Rising and the fact that a not-insignificant number of violent revolutionaries tried to facilitate a German invasion of Ireland (and then unionists ran guns during the war through Kriegsmarine U-boat dropoffs on the Irish coast in... defence???? Idk either.), came to be included in this politically radical group. That’s the first strike.

The second strike came from the fact Irish had the British working against them. In those days, British media and culture really set the tone for the rest of the world. Remember, the US was not a world superpower yet - this is when Britain is at the height of its power, ruling 20% of the world’s people and 25% of its land surface by 1924. Britannia really did rule the waves, and much of the world’s culture, at this point. Hollywood, and American ‘soft power’ had yet to develop into the behemoth it is now. British culture persistently depicted the Irish as subhuman, ape-like, feckless, uncivilised and dangerous, as you can clearly see here:

The top one is from 1866, and the second one from 1849. Both were cartoons published in Punch Magazine, which was the pre-eminent social and political publication that EVERYONE read in the Victorian and Edwardian eras. It also played a huge role in shaping social attitudes, and you can see more of its, and others, views on the Irish in these excellent galleries. The rest of the British media was the same - almost universally negative views of the Irish, which filtered across the Atlantic over time. And seemed to be vindicated by events like the 1916 Easter Rising, and before that a long running number of secret societies the British kept discovering, plotting revolution against their rule. The whole ‘kiss me I’m Irish’, dying the Hudson green on St Patrick’s day, ‘omg I love an Irish accent’ thing? Didn’t happen until the latter half, or really the last quarter, of the twentieth century. The Irish were pretty much persona non grata when Sarah was alive. Part of the explanation for this came from the idea that the Irish were a part of a lesser race, their Celtic origins leading to a lack of judgement, predisposition to alcoholism and hotheadedness, and passionate outbursts which meant you needed to treat them more like children. Conveniently enough for the British, this explanation meant you didn’t need to treat your subjects like equals, deserving of the vote, or indeed with anything except violence and condescension. Ha. Funny that.

But anyway, back to America.

Third strike: the Irish were Catholic, as Sarah would have been. Only the very richest in society were Protestant, because they were descended from British settlers. Both the British and the US governments of the time viewed Catholicism with deep suspicion, partly for historical reasons (Martin Luther, 1517 and all that jazz) but ALSO because the Catholic Church remained a vastly powerful institution which could and did command the loyalties of people more than the national government, and this represented a dangerous fifth column within the nation state. Most of north and western Europe was Protestant, unlike the south and east which was predominantly Catholic (with the exception of France. But hey, they’re the French. No big.) so the Irish being 99% Catholic was yet another reason they got lumped in with the other ‘undesireables’. 

Not a small part of this was caused by the fact that the Irish had been immigrating to America in vast numbers ever since the Great Famine (aka the Potato Famine/Blight) to the tune of and average of c450,000 Irish per decade between 1850-1900. That is... a LOT. Like, New York’s population in 1890 had only just hit 2.5 million! Ireland’s population TODAY is 5 million! So by the end of WWI, there was already a sense that Too Many Irish were here, particularly since the Irish tended, like most immigrant communities, to move into certain areas in large numbers via family groups and connections. Sarah would have been no exception to this, which I’ll explore more in pt 3 later. It was a very common practice in this period for a man to go to America and work, then bring his family and extended family over. Or for young relations to go and live with family already in America if there was no work in Ireland - which there wasn’t, the Irish economy being subsistence agriculture and not a lot else. 

All of this together means that when Sarah arrives in Jan/Feb of 1918? She’d get a pretty rough welcome at Ellis Island (still used for incoming immigrants until new legislation establishing a visa system in 1924 went through and basically made it redundant.) and beyond.

Below is a pic of an Ellis Island arrival card, just because it’s cool:

These tightened restrictions resulted in not just health checks, but intelligence tests and ‘mental fitness’ tests, which if failed, could result in the immigrant being sent back to their country of origin. However, Sarah would have made it through okay, because she had good English, her profession and likely her marriage cert and references from Joseph Rogers’ commanding officer to speed her passage. She may even have had family connections already in New York or America, but for the reasons outlined in my previous post, probably wasn’t in contact with them. Or if she did contact them, was likely to be ignored and ostracised. Because patriarchy, yay.

But ironically? Getting into America was the easy part. I know, I know, unbelievable, especially when you consider she was PREGNANT during this. I mean, can you imagine enduring morning sickness and all the other joys of pregnancy on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic in WINTER, in danger of sinking from a U-Boat torpedo at any moment? Can you? Can you??? Sarah Rogers came up against an immense set of obstacles just to get into America and just fucking ploughed through them like they were tissue paper. Which explains a LOT about Steve Rogers, that’s for sure.

Join me next time for pt 3, where I explore Sarah’s living and working situation after she arrives and we all learn to be even more in awe of how fucking metal she was.

[heliumdish07-blog]

Lawyers in Alkmaar - Why You Must Get in touch with a Lawyer in Alkmaar

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The Keys To Making Online Law College Successful.

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Another interesting example is France, where for much of the 20th century, all judiciary officials were graduates of an elite expert college for judges. The study brought in a total of 155 feedbacks, that included 97 in law practice as well as 35 in business legal departments. Several, 43 per cent, worked in a firm or legal department with 2 to 9 lawyers and also many, 57 per cent, had just one workplace. Lawyers in private method normally operate in specialized companies known as law office, with the exception of English lawyers.

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[clairen45]

About that Dark Visions comic...

I think it’s fair to say that when Marvel’s Dark Visions miniseries about Vader as seen from a different perspective was announced, everybody was excited. We have been hammered on the head since ROTS that “there are heroes on both sides” , and with the expectations concerning the end of the saga as a massive redemption and hope plot, you were bound to be curious about what they would come up with. TBH, I was not expecting to see a softer side to Vader. It would be wrong to expect anything like that, and it would somehow diminish from what happens to him in the OT. He is supposed to be more machine than man. So, no, I definitely did not expect him, or wished him to be the kind of guy operating as the Death Star Secret Santa, knitting socks for the poor and needy, or rescuing people’s pets. It was not my understanding that he was much loved by his Imperial “colleagues” either. When we first see him in ANH; he is derided and dismissed both by a colleague (sorry, forgot the name but you all know whose faithless person I am thinking of) and Leia. Respected for sure, because of the fear he instills in people. So if awe is obviously the right word to use, in the most etymological sense of the term, that is to say “ a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder”, how many people found Vader awesome? Besides the audience. There had to be. And as a concept, it was pretty cool.

That being said, if you think of the title for the series, there were already many ways of interpreting it. Dark Visions... Visions of the power of the Dark Side? The way some people saw Vader? The way Vader thought people saw him? Did the stories happen for real or are they just what the title imply they are: visions. Images. Fantasies. Daydreams or nightmares? Possibly just the imagination of some deranged mind. There is something there that implies that we are not dealing with something too objective. But rather something unhinged and disturbing.

Now, I intend to keep this in mind about the issue that has been raising so much concern: “Tall, Dark, and Handsome”. I think malaise is really the word we should settle for. This issue is problematic in many ways.

For those who haven’t read it or just heard about it through social media and people complaining about it (possibly people on the other side of the spectrum fanning about it), this is how you can sum it up: this is the first person narrative of an unnamed nurse, working on the Death Star for Vader’s personal doctor. The nurse has developed an obsessive infatuation for Vader that has her snoop around him and collect bits and pieces about him (mostly gorish remains of his time at the medical bay) that she hides in her room. She keeps on daydreaming about him and the connection she thinks they have, until one day she musters up her courage and goes to talk to him in his private quarters in order to let him know of her love for him. He cuts her off in all the meanings of the word, both interrupting her speech of eternal devotion and undying love, and piercing her through with his saber. Last moment we see her is lying dead on the floor while he moves away and asking for the sanitation to rid him of the “garbage”.

Ok, that’s a tall order. Here are points that I find entirely problematic.

1.The Question of Agency:

The authors decided to give a voice, a narrative agency to a character that is presented as inconsequential to the story. She is an anonymous nurse, a dot, in  the bigger picture of the Empire. Much, let’s say, like our current ST heroes: Rey, Finn, and Rose, who started as “nobody”, even more so in the case of Finn and Rey who have literally been deprived of their identities. You could think it’s cool to thus give a voice to this nurse. Even more so when you consider that throughout the comic, she is presented as downtrodden, poor, pushed over, abused physically and verbally, dismissed, and despised. Her employer disrespects her constantly, calling her “fool”, “idiot”, or “stupid”. He shoves her around, and also diminishes her job, calling it “not a real job” or insinuating that she does not do her job correctly. Cases in point:

And what do we get in this story? A female nobody who starts asserting herself. Wow.

She tells her own story. First person narrative. She becomes an agent.

Look at the evolution of her daydream fantasies. She starts from damsel in distress who needs a man to protect her from her daily abuser

From nurse whose job means something, to a solid professional, and equal partner to her fantasy Lord:

And finally a powerful woman in her own rights, even overshadowing her partner, and who is able to defend herself.

Which then matures into her mustering up the courage to speak for herself, and tell her feelings to the (unwilling) object of her affection.

Except that.... well...she is just presented as a massive psycho. And, ok, it’s fair, we all know that there are female stalkers, and that her obsession for Vader is totally crazy because she doesn’t know anything about him, and she actually fell for someone who was treating her as poorly as the others. But there is the malaise there... The mix of female empowerment and batshit craziness. That’s what put a lot of people ill-at-ease. I wouldn’t even call that subversion, because, dudes, what are we subverting there exactly. It’s not like women are not daily abused and treated poorly at work and in their relationships on a daily basis... And are we supposed to take that as a cautionary tale about fangirl craziness? Because, there again, why did they need to have that girl get such a shitty treatment all through the comic. It is like the comic says that she deserved it. In the end it’s not just Vader calling her trash. It’s also the doctor calling her trash for most of the comic, and even have her literally waddle in a trash compactor. Cause this was supposed to be subtle?

Like, fine, if it were only Vader calling her garbage because the man is just dead inside, which, fairly, is represented in the comic. But it’s just not Vader, it is the way the character is presented through the eyes of the doctor AND even through the eyes of a cartoonist who keeps on representing her with the stupidest darned faces.

And there is no other viewpoint. Family, friends, other nurses or colleagues who could give us another idea about her. Or explain why she is like that. Nope. Basically, this woman is given a voice just so she can be cut off mid-sentence and made... fun of... I guess? Was that the author’s goal? Is it what we are supposed to feel? About this pathetic character and her pathetic life, dreams, goals, feelings, and eventual demise?

The “Subversion” of Female Romantic Tropes

Like ... LOL... How is that “subverted” anyways? But, ok, let’s go through them. It has all the classic elements of female literature.

The Cinderella story: nobody falls for high lord and expects to be swooped off her feet. Complete with ball scene, because, yes, why not? I give them a point, though, for the cool reflection on the ground which has her in her regular scrubs... BTW, Beauty and the Beast in the mix as well.

the nurse complex! Otherwise known as the Florence Nightingale effect. You know, woman is going to take care of the guy... They even made her a real nurse! Again, so subtle. Couldn’t make her any other profession and still be victim of this complex.

the reference to so-called “trashy” female lit, think bodice ripping, Harlequin, and their infamous covers. Even the title of the comic: “Tall, Dark, and Handsome”

The effing Phantom of the Opera!

and of course all the female discourse about love, because, yep, trashy: “kindred spirits” etc...

And again, how are we supposed to interpret it? Well, hang on, this woman, remember, is a bat-shit crazy deluded psycho, who has delusions about life and love. Oh, and the doctor says she is trash. And he throws all her stupid gory, disgusting trickets in the trash. Oh and also Vader says she is garbage. Well. Ok. So, I guess all of that which mattered to her, all her ideas, all that she loved, was just that. Trash. Garbage. Well, take that, you female reader!

But wait, it gets even better...

Star Wars is just trash!

Yep, because on closer look, most of the fantasies this woman has are very Star-Warsy. I am floored that they are actually trashing these:

Anakin and Padmé’s Naboo scenery, green, lush, terrace, nightgowns...

The scene when Anakin learns about Padmé’s death:

and of course, the one that you were not expecting... Reylo... “You are not alone”

Again, why is this problematic? In itself, it is fine and fair to be making fun of trashy female literature and campy romance novels, it is also fine to make fun of crazy stalkers, and it is also fine to be making fun of Star Wars. So why does it feel so icky in this comic somehow?

You can’t help but feel disgusted when you consider how poorly this woman is represented. There is not one aspect of her life that is not ridiculed. And again, this is about a woman who has NOTHING. They could have the girl fall in love with Vader and being killed by him because he is a cold-hearted machine. He killed his wife, the love of his life, so yea, of course he will feel not a pang of remorse or hesitation at killing this nobody who thinks she is in love with him. But they did not need to make fun of the very little she had in her life: her dreams. Her effing dreams. Plus the crazy stalker psycho. And the crazy face. And the fact that again we are talking about a woman, who had NOTHING. No family, no connection, no friends, no respect at work, not many possessions except her sad little Vader treasure chest.

And again, context. Here we are, reading a Star Wars comic where a lot of fanboys have been using the EXACT same terms to ridicule women in the fandom. Especially in the Reylo context. Trash. Garbage. Crazy bitches. Ridiculing theories about ... well, well, ain’t it a sweet surprise... Phantom of the Opera, or Beauty and the Beast parallels with Reylo. I’ll be damned. It feels crazy awkward, if you ask me. I mean, again, it’s all fair, but you don’t do that when you are in the midst of a toxic fandom war.

So why do I give zero F...  about it in the end?

If some antis in the fandom saw that as validation, well, let them have their moment of happiness. It won’t last. We can give them that.

One, I don’t think for one second that it means anything about what will happen in the ST as far as Reylo is concerned. Again, they are even making fun of Anidala in the comic, and dude, that thing happened. As my good friends from @lordsofthesithpodcast would tell you after their glorious SWCC panel : Romance, these ships belong in Star Wars.

Two, as I highlighted in the introduction, this belongs in the Dark Visions series. It is meant, in my own opinion, to be disturbing and unhinged. Not sugar coated. So maybe the whole point was shock value. Mission accomplished. It was poor taste again given the context and the awful treatment THEY (and not just Vader) give their female character, but yea, dark visions. Not Star Wars Adventures. You have to look at the target audience and everything.

Three, if it were not for the in-your-face references to female tropes, I actually took most of it as a critique of fandom in general. The problem is not that she is a fangirl. There are some crazy obsessive fangirls, mind you. The problem is that they are making fun of all things female on top of that. But, remove the romantic aspects. Couldn’t that apply to fanboys as well? I could totally picture a cadet, or some other young imperial, developing the same crazed obsession over Vader. And it was just as toxic. And, tbh, it could very well be. Collecting trinkets is not just a girl thing, and after seeing with my own eyes the tons of merch purchased by fanboys at the recent SWCC convention, or the obsessive way some guy could talk to you about Vader and the minute trivial details in his life, or that they are the only ones understanding the guy, well yea... it works...

I’ll even go a step further. I wondered for a sec if the whole thing was not even a critical meta about the franchise as a whole. Let me explain. Some fanboys have complained about the femininization of the franchise, that is “polluting” the shades of Pemberley, I mean Star Wars. Claiming that what is happening right now is utter garbage. Also also, I have another possible reading which has the nurse representing the current state of the fandom and how crazy obsessed they can be over a franchise that some currently view as tired and dead inside (especially since it has fallen into the fold of Disney). Representing the unhealthy relationship between the two. And guess what, it doesn’t end well for the fandom. Who will never get what they want.

I will finally quote this from Chuck Wendig who was fired from the project and came up with that particular comment on Twitter, and which actually seems to go with how I tried to read it myself:

Apropos of absolutely nothing, my issue three of SHADOW OF VADER was about a toxic fanboy (a morgue attendant on the Death Star) who became obsessed with Vader. (And it didn’t end well for him. Er, obviously.) I thought it was good and I’m sorry you won’t see it! Onward we go. 

I think they kept some of the original idea from Wendig, but it took a turn for the worse. It would be great if the authors cared to explain about their intent for this piece if any. I am not saying they should. I actually totally respect and support full freedom of speech and authorial choices. It is our choice, then, as a reader to read or not the material we don’t care about. I am just curious to know their opinion I guess, and I was not able to find any comment online. If anyone has a reference, I am interested...

In any event, I think everyone should read the comic for themselves if they are curious about it. Better to make your own opinion about it.