#I AM LEGIT CRYING AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT IN 10 MINUTES

[le-panda-chocovore]

I'm on the way to my dentist appointment and I thought about SatoSugu (as usual). And I have no idea what the fuck was wrong with my brain but I imagined if Suguru arrived to the Cult's place after Shoko healed him and found Satoru's body near Riko's. Like, what if Satoru didn't manage to understand the reverse cursed technique and really died ? What if Suguru lost his one and only ? What if Toji really won ?

I immediately started crying on the street (and I'm still trying to stop the tears) because WHY WOULD I THINK ABOUT THAT ??

[jad3w1ngs]

So this is a bit of a vent and also a bit of a positive thing? Hard to describe but anyway.

I finally seem to have a kind of diagnosis for my pain.

Turns out that my ligaments are all a little bit too stringy/long so they aren't holding my bones in the right place.

I am viewing this part as the positive bit because I've been trying to get someone to say/know why I'm constantly in pain since I was 23 (I'm 29 now). The fact that it's taken this long for someone to actually, properly look at me, to actually examine me instead of telling me that I'm either imagining it or that I should just lose weight.

I mean the fact that I literally lost 3st (42lbs) just to stop them using that as an excuse should probably tell you just how often that was their excuse.

So that leads me into the ranty part of my post. I've been going to the doctor's on and off since this pain started and mostly focused on my lower back and tailbone (because that's where most of the pain is) and every time it was just waved off like 'oh everyone's backs hurt a bit'. And okay sure, the human spine sucks but I'm pretty sure most people (especially in their early 20s) are still able to sit in a chair for more than 10 minutes without pain, more than 30 minutes without being in so much pain that they can't focus on anything else.

I'm sure most healthy, non-disabled 20 something's don't have days where their legs feel so week because their back is fucked that they worry about climbing stairs because they're sure they're going to fall.

Now onto how I finally got the doctor to listen to me. By talking about something else.

I started the way I normally do (fresh doctor because I moved a little while ago so I've had to start the process over again) talked about my back, how I've been in pain daily for over 7 years now and I want to know why/if they can help me. I also brought up the fact that I've finally put two and two together in that my joints don't always seem super sturdy, that the reason I'd made that appointment in particular was because my leg gave out on a walk and my knee has been sore ever since and keeps clicking etc.

Doctor does what all the doctors do. Said, oh we'll ignore the back for now because we all have bad back (she legit said this too me) we'll focus on your knee.

I was annoyed but also just kind of let it go because I had made the appointment about my knee and also if I talk verbally about my pain too much I start crying, especially around medical personnel.

Now's the part that really pissed me off, because of the next question she asked me.

'does your joint pain actually stop you from doing your job or going about your life'

And I'm sure there's probably a reasonable explanation for that question, there is a possibility I'm over reacting but it very much came across as something that if I said no, it doesn't effect my ability to do my job, that she just wouldn't have helped me.

Anyway, I said yes. Because yes, there are days my joints just don't work. There is also a lot of manual handling and a lot of walking involved in my job, so on days where my joints feel extra stringy or my legs feel wobbly I can't do my job.

She manipulated my legs, moving them from side to side. Tried to see if there was still any swelling etc. And that was when we discovered that, and I quote I 'have the stretchiest knees she's ever seen' that my joints would be the perfect ones to show trainees because the hyperflextion (I think that's the right word) was textbook and really visible.

So now I know. I still feel quite patronised and dismissed but I know. Because it explains everything. My ligaments aren't doing their job so my bones move about. Not stretchy enough for things to dislocate properly but they do for a few seconds. This also means my hips don't sit right when I sit down hence the pain.

I have a path now, it's mostly physical therapy to train my muscles to do what my ligaments can't (basically I have to become super strong! Get hench! That kind of thing) and I have something that I can start with when I go to the doctor's from now on.

[brennacedria]

I posted 3,130 times in 2022

That's 1,909 more posts than 2021!

538 posts created (17%)

2,592 posts reblogged (83%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@brennacedria

@nocturnal-belta

@meyerlansky

@thessalian

@thebearmuse

I tagged 2,408 of my posts in 2022

Only 23% of my posts had no tags

#queen queuesland - 1,355 posts

#dragon age - 271 posts

#star wars - 138 posts

#cats - 130 posts

#bren does life - 92 posts

#bren's cats - 67 posts

#bren's pics - 61 posts

#fashion - 60 posts

#dracula daily - 39 posts

#star wars spoilers - 38 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#technically they're both half tuxedo half siamese but the black one took only the color from their dad and she's siamese in every other way

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

fr, please send every form of well-wishes you guys believe in this morning. I will accept prayers, spells, supportive pats-on-the-back, comforting hugs, offers of kittens, idk, anything else you guys can think of. I am, please god willing, getting this damned iud out, and there's apparently no local for it except maybe that cold spray that "numbs" things but it didn't do anything getting the iud in but sure why not that's a legit tactic.

I've taken my advil (my doctor of nursing nurse practitioner swears 800 ib works better in this situation than oral toradol, which yeah better than ORAL toradol but not a shot of it so wtf srsly), and I'm going to take my muscle relaxer in about 30 minutes, I guess, so it's at its peak when I get to my appointment. then, when I get there I take my ativan and oh yeah it's the most painful thing I've had done short of actual fucking surgery but sure why not.

anyway yeah, thoughts and prayers and everything else, please, just not the political kind like actual thoughts and prayers

44 notes - Posted October 24, 2022

#4

Sorry but I'm having a lot of Kino Loy feelings rn

47 notes - Posted November 10, 2022

#3

Predictably dragon age

Morrigan. Always and forever, no matter how many others come and go. Just concept art had me interested in the game, and finding out Claudia Black voiced her immediately convinced me to get it. I couldn't afford it at launch, but I still got it entirely because of her.

Here, have some art @chenria did of her as a surprise gift for my birthday one year after sending an almost identical, tho anonymous, ask.

83 notes - Posted March 30, 2022

#2

No not me crying at the 10th anniversary episode of Welcome to Night Vale

785 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

there are many benefits to being a marine biologist

956 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[dowdonacloud]

An Unceremonious Return to Discomfort

It's not often that I can produce a time dash of ten years but here we are. I forgot about, then remembered, then forgot again [repeat...] a few dozen times that I had a blog once upon a time. It holds few entries but hundreds of good intentions which meets the criteria for many of my other creative projects.

Currently, I'm contending with another dip in the depressive episode sea. You would think that dealing with a major episode every few years or so would find me well equipped but I am feeling lost, clutching the small fragment of the door from the ship that is the wreckage of my IVF voyage.

note: I dry heaved every time I was notified that I was on a fertility "journey" so I would literally like to use any. other. word.

So here I am floating along without the future I was hoping for, stuck once again, surrounded by a different context.

I retested the theory that I can't tolerate antidepressant meds and tried another one only to have a list of 10 unmanageable side effects that if left to their own devices would have blow up my life faster than my depressive episode so I stopped. The antidepressant romp was in June. That was when I realized I was crying multiple times a day, every day, alternating with a dark emptiness inside me challenging the point of anything at all and a heaviness that rested on my shoulders, my forehead, my every limb.

So here I stand in the dark haunted forest, with vines that wrap around your ankles and pull you to the floor, armed with a helmet.

I've been doing TMS for 7 days. In the off chance that you are not up to speed on your esoteric interventional psychiatry acronyms (no worries- it's a new field!) it stands for transcranial magnetic stimulation. If I hadn't seen research, had my doctor vouch for it and have it covered by insurance I wouldn't have given it the time of day. It seems a little voodoo to believe that wearing a helmet that taps my dorsolateral pre-frontal cortex with magnets for 30 minutes is going to help me out of this hole, but desperate times...

I'm trying to stay out of the house after my treatments because for the past 3 months I've had a tendency to get stuck in the couch. I congratulate myself and consider the existence of miracles every time I leave my house for any appointment. For the past two days I have driven all over town, hating all the way, in the August Austin heat. Car air conditioning is no match for Austin summers. I'm trying to sit in coffee shops and just write, without expectation of perfection. Hence the return to the blog. Act AS IF you are a writer, act AS IF you are not paralyzed with depression...

I just realized that my current attack strategy is in accordance with some instagram psychobabble about doing "the opposite action". Begrudgingly, I will admit that this I know to belong to dialectal behavior therapy which is legit. In fact, I don't know why it doesn't get as much as noise as CBT but that could be a boring story for another time.

"She's so well resourced for her mental health strategies!" said no one but I bet someone would if I gave them the chance. Gag me. I don't want to hear about how well resourced I am when I'm deep in the fire swamp.

So here we are, still slaying the same fish in the sea of mismatched metaphors brought to you by Kate Winslet who followed the advice of the inspirational quote on the cover of her new rouge to "take up space!' (on the door) and set boundaries for herself even amidst a killer cruise. Just because I know how to fight the ROUS (rodents of unusual size) doesn't make the task any less dangerous.

More on the fire swamp later. I'm liking that metaphor more than the titanic one.

This is still making me uncomfortable.

[paralien]

Stupid stupid ADHD vent that’s gonna be full of typoes bc I’m not going through this again once its written

But like, I just watched this ADHD TikTok that made me want to cry; not bc it was bad no no no no it was so fucking accurate that it actually made me str8 up upset and now I kinda feel like I wanna have a lil meltdown over it but that’s also just str8 up other stress that’s also piling up and getting worsened by the fact that that TikTok upset me but, but anyways.

She was like, talking and crying about the fact that like, so many people w/o adhd dont get that its not like a stupid lil haha I’m distracted diagnosis and that its a diagnosis bc it fucks up your life like with time blindness which is what she was talking abt as being her issue and its also my no 1 issue too. Bc like w her like, she’d lost her passport before Christmas and she knew that she and her family were gonna fly in may and she needed a passport and her family had been reminding her since she lost it but she hadn’t done it before like. Now she was freaking out bc it takes like 6-8 weeks for a passport to arrive and she didn’t have time and she was scrambling to figure out how to get it faster and get the appointments done and everything and all her family said was like, “you should have done this back when you first lost it instead of waiting until the last minute” like it was an act of laziness that kept her from not getting a new one and not like, time blindness and task paralysis that’s like. Legit serious fucking stuff that’s hard as hell to deal with.

And I like, felt myself get more and more upset along w her bc I’m always in trouble bc of my task paralysis/time blindness bc me getting stuff done on time is like, a 1/10 event, and people are always upset w me bc I either never arrive on time or get stuff on time which! Makes sense! I’m not saying they’re not allowed to be upset because they are if I’m delaying stuff. Shit doesn’t exist in a vacuum. But it’s like,

It’s kinda like how I’ve had ADHD my entire life, obv, but I didn’t get the diagnosis before I was 21 after having fought to get one for 3 years and I finally got it like, 2 months before I was done w vocational college (where I barely passed in any of my subjects, haha guess why) and like, now both my parents are pretty understandable of the fact that I can’t be on time for things, and whenever we do something where they pick me up/I gotta be there they always help me make sure we have a plan B in place (like if I have to catch a ferry) or if they’re picking me up they always say they’re gonna be here before they will bc they know now that no matter how hard I try I’m always gonna be probably 5-10 min delayed so we have a failsafe in place which. Nice. I’m 24. Glad we have that in place now (I am I am I am that they’re more understanding w me) but like, obv, I didn’t get the diagnosis before I wa already outta the house and in student accommodations and even after I got it it was a lot of trail and error etc but, what I’m trying to say is, that being a kid was hell because I never did anything on time, couldn’t do things, and obv they got frustrated with me (dad much more so than mom but, i digress) bc I was never ready when we were supposed to go places, never did my homework, never focused in school and like. I’m not old by any means but back when I was a kid it was still a common consensus that like, adhd was a boys thing and girls didn’t get it, so i just kept getting scolded and yelled at and other things for being lazy and and not caring abt anything and now like, my parents laugh abt it like wow you really did have adhd huh <3 like yeah!! I did!! No shit!!

And so like, not ONLY is the time blindness and executive dysfunction still there bc I was never taught how to cope w it properly, but I also get super stressed when I’m late for things and can’t do something bc I’m just waiting to get yelled at! Or hit! Bc i can’t do things! And I should be able to do them because I’m an adult, and I can do other things, and why the hell can’t you call people and pay your bills on time and book your appointments on time it just takes 5min and! I know it probably just takes 5min! But my brain is still stuck in how there’s just now, and not now. And everything that’s not now gets forgotten or put on hold, and with everything that’s now i stress myself to death to get it down probably way too late and have to reap the consequenses and it’s gonna be the same next time too! Because I know where the issue lies but how the hell do you fix things when the issue is your fucking brain structure? And then everyone says to put down memos and do timers as if that’s some magic trick. Like yeah great advice! I’ve tried it! AM ACTIVELY trying it! But how the HELL is that supposed to help me when I’m just rooted to the spot and physically cannot MOVE to do the thing I need to do before it’s pretty much too late and the stress kicks me outta the paralysis?

It’s HELL. It’s awful and terrible and makes me wanna cry almost constantly because I KNOW it’s a problem, but knowing it’s a problem doesn’t magically fix it! And I’m constantly TRYING to work on it but it feels like it doesn’t even matter because I’m still consistently min 5min late t o everything because i don’t process time properly and i forgot to try to change an appointment before it was too late and now i need to start driving at 3am on Thursday to get to a 10am appointment at a hospital 7hrs away from my apartment because I didn’t call them to change it 2 weeks ago because i physically couldn’t or bc the second i was reminded i immediately forgot before i could even write it down. And I’m having surgery on Friday and I haven’t gotten myself set up with a physical therapist yet because it’s felt like too much to go down and talk to them face to face to get it set up and now it’s too late and I have to do it tomorrow but I’m probably gonna forget! And i hate it! I hate that I always make people hurt and frustrated w me bc i can’t remember things or do things despite being an adult.

Bc like, I can do other things just fine! I do my dishes every day it’s no problem. I clean my apartment at least once a week so the clutter doesn’t pile up. I’m always 5min late to my job but once I’m there I work quick and consistently and my boss said she’d love to have me back for the summer before my online studies start if my leg gets well fast enough. My co-workers said they’d miss me. My friends say I’m funny and stylish and a good listener (once i learn to shut up for 2 seconds.)(they don’t say that. I think that. I know it’s an issue) I’m friendly and inclusive and I do my best to be enthusiastic abt the things people around me love, but I feel like it never shows that I’m trying or that I care bc I’m always late. And i never do things on time. And I’m forgetful and messy and i loose things.

… ADHD is scary, and frustrating and yeah sure it’s funny at times when you know me and you see me loose my phone 5 times in a row in the exact same spot. But, I hate knowing that people don’t think I care or don’t think I try when I’m trying so hard all the time but it’s never enough bc things never get done on time. I overthink even the simplest of tasks because the steps feel like too much and they never get done bc of it. 5min tasks will take me weeks. And I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying so hard. But I’m scared it doesn’t show and that scares me. I don’t know where I was going w this. I’m just stressed out.

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[theultimatepumpkinpie]

Setting up psychiatrist/therapist appointments is the worst because they always ask the STUPIDEST questions. "What's the primary concern?" Uh I'm fucking crazy have been my whole life and I need you to tell social security that so they'll help me pay my bills and I can't go to any of my old doctors because I'm on state insurance now because I can't work and can't afford what I had before.

Like why the fuck can't they just be like "do you have a prior diagnosis" and go through with different intake procedures from there. And every fucking appointment no matter if its psych or therapist I have to go through my entire life story for the 10 billionth time and they're like "wow that's fucked up" and then fixtate on something stupid instead of actually helping get my shit together. I also hate the way they ask if you've had "a traumatic experience" like no I haven't had a singular experience that fucked me up real good right away but since this is going to come up eventually I can tell you that I am in fact traumatized from the shear weight of everything that's ever happened to me especially these types of things that happened alot during these points in my life and you'll probably pick up on that within 10 minutes of meeting me and I really don't want to talk to random strangers during the intake process because my mom is in the room with me and she's the cause of some of these things.

Also they never fucking read the intake papers EVER. Idk if they even ever look at it because you always have to go through every single detail 50 fucking times with like 5 different people through the whole god damn procedure before you can get to the real meat of your problems while seeing the actual therapist/psychiatrist which you usually don't even get to until like 4 appointments in because there so much god damn information they need to know to get the whole story and they always pick apart little details before you can get the whole thing out on the table. And they (in my experience) never seem to fucking "get it". I have legit had ONE therapist out of DOZENS of clinicians of different types and different denominations that actually understood any of my problems and that's because she had a legit diagnosis and so did her kids and that's why she got into mental health in the first place. I cannot stress enough why it is so important to have people in the system who knows what it's like not only because that's the only way you can truly empathize with people about these types of issues but also because the DSM is a crock of shit and even college professors that study this shit will tell you that.

This is of course ingnoring the fact that a fuck ton of problems are caused by the system itself and every fucking other aspect of society which is what does all the real damage anyway. Most clinicians I've met wouldn't even admit that that's the case.

My god the current state of mental health care in the US is so bad it's no wonder I spend my days crying in bed and thinking about killing myself. Y'all don't know shit, don't understand shit, and don't do shit even when you actually give a shit.

[suppajayy]

October 2nd, 2018

Today, is October 2nd, 2019. Happy 1 year..... I legit was in my worst lowest point in my life... I will not lie. I almost did it. I almost pulled that trigger...

Here is the note I wrote on my phone on October 30th...

"October 2nd.. was one of my lowest, lowest points in my life.

I made 4 suicidal notes. One for my parents, second for my two sister, third for my best friend Andrea, and fourth for my ex René. All suicidal notes explaining it was not there faults. To not blame my ex for it because I have been depressed since I was 9 or 10. I try not to think about my depression, but I know it is there... I know I can't hide from it. But I learned how to hide it very, very well over the passed years.

I put all those suicidal notes in separate envelopes for each of them. Then i sealed the envelopes and stored them in a zip-lock bag. Just to make sure blood will not splatter and ruin the notes. I have a small black notebook that I wrote in a few songs to explain how I have been feeling. So that they can understand, somewhat. (Those songs are in my Spotify playlist in sad) (if you want to listen to them yourself as well, just look up Jaytekz and go to his Innocence album. That whole album if how I've been feeling)

I took all my stuff that day (October 2nd) and went to this big parking lot at the movie theater. I parked all the way in the back, in the dark under a tree. No one can see me. I sat in that car for a good three hours contemplating my life.

Then I go into my bag and grab a smaller bag. It is heavy. I grabbed it and pulled out my gun that I had bought a week before.. I grab three bullets. Load the gun with the three bullets. I cocked back the hammer. I then proceeded to face the gun to my skull....

I was sooooo close to pulling that trigger. So fucking close.

I was happy but also crying scared shitless. I just wanted everything to be over, the pain of a broken fucking heart to be fucking over. I hated myself because I, til this fucking day, still blame myself for the break up.. I blame myself that I am here in the life wasting my life away. Wasting my mothers money on school when I hate school. I hate the fact that I feel like such a fucking burden to my own family and friends. I hate myself because of my body image as well. The way I've been feeling about myself. I feel that if I am not here then everything would be way more easier for everybody.

I held that gun to my head thinking of pulling that fucking trigger. But for some reason....I couldn't...

All these thoughts just kept creeping up on me... how I will hurt everybody.. but I just want to not be here.. Honestly, I just wish I was dead. Because life is hard, death is easier.

That is why I went to St. Louis so randomly and so soon. A week after my attempt, I decided to buy a last minute train ticket to St. Louis because I wanted to get away from my reality back at home. I wanted to go out to St. Louis and tell Mia of the situation I put myself through...again. to have her compassion and have a big hug and for her to tell me it was going to be okay...

But I never told her. Because I never had the chance to be alone with her and have the courage to tell her... I just wanted my friend to be there for me when I told her..

I was just tired. I was tired of hiding. I wanted and needed help. But that window has passed. I still own the gun, but it is hidden away in my safe, unloaded of course. I have just been empty inside. But I am trying to rebuild myself up again..slowly but surely...

It is crazy, because when I was in grammar school, I have always thought I'd never make it to age 21 or 25... but here I am, age 23... 2 more years to beat..."

I have been doing better tho... I have an interview for a full-time job soon. I live with my new girlfriend, who is amazing and loves me unconditionally. I moved out of my mom and dad's house. I moved to a totally different state. I have friends that support me and my decisions. I have a family that is superrrrr supportive of me and what I am doing with my progress... I started taking testosterone. I have started the progress of my transition from female to male. I am trying to make appointments for a therapists so I can get my legal recommendations letters to legally change my name, gender and name.

I am finally being who I am meant to be in life. I am finally being happy...

Happy with myself...💙

[maljean89]

I turned 30 and got my tubes tied

Just shy of a week ago I had my very first surgery — I got my tubes tied. Although, “getting your tubes tied” is sort of an out-of-date term these days come to find. Nowadays, removing your entire fallopian tubes is the standard for a couple of reasons: removing them completely (as opposed to tying, clamping or cauterizing) can prevent the occurrence of an ectopic pregnancy and can reduce the risk for Ovarian Cancer. Dude, I have so much cancer in my family, if I can reduce my risk for one kind, I’m down. 

I’m really glad I’ve never had surgery before because going into it blindly was probably the best thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and if I had I think I would have been even more of an anxious mess than I already was. I am the queaziest, most fainty human being on the planet, so the entire experience of having the 3 attempts to put my IV in was a little hellish. But being put under felt pretty cool and before I knew it, I was waking up and it was all over. It took a solid 3 days of doing nothing but laying on my back and hobbling to the toilet before I started to feel like a human again. And let me tell you — having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor kind of sucks when laughing causes you pain. But he took the best care of me and 6 days later I’ve got a way less bloated and swollen tummy (looked like I was pregnant for a couple days) and my insides feel like normal again. I’ve got these 3 sweet battle wound scars — two on either side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button — and I can officially say that I’m sterile as a cotton ball. 

I’m pretty excited that I now have a response when people inevitably ask “So when are you and Jonah going to have a baby?” I’m going to enjoy it a little too much to be able to say, “Never actually. I had my tubes tied.” Telling people you don’t want kids makes them incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. I’ve never really understood it, but one of two things usually happen. One: they get real awkward and change the subject, never to be visited again. Or two: the barrage of questions begins. Some people are genuinely interested. Some people feel the same way and I get high fives. Some people do the whole, “well, you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind” routine. 

The thing that probably kills me the most though is when people ask why. 

“Why don’t you want to have kids? If you don’t mind my asking,” they’ll say.

You got a few hours? People ask this question like its a simple answer. Dude, if its a simple answer, I highly recommend that you don’t get sterilized because one simple answer isn’t sufficient. I have scores of reasons! And the reasons why I don’t only stand to inform the actions I would take if I oddly changed my mind someday. 

I thought I’d share some of my many reasons with you all. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are financial — they’re all over the place. If you don’t care — thats cool. If you think I’m stupid — you’re entitled to your opinion. But I do think it would broaden your vision a bit to read why someone might not want to reproduce. If you’re one of the people judging me, I encourage you to take a moment to learn about someone different than yourself.

1. Physically, I legit can’t handle it. I know every woman is probably terrified of actually giving birth, but I literally could not handle it. I have to lay down to get a flu shot, and stay laying down for a solid 10 minutes or I’ll pass out. Getting my blood drawn makes me faint every time. And just discussing the process of inserting a NuvaRing with my gyno made me lightheaded and have to lay down. Getting my lady exam every year makes me so nervous I often present with high blood pressure because my nerves get the better of me so badly. Don’t think I could handle 9 months of discomfort, thinking about whats happening to my insides, and then the inevitable pain of actual birth. And even if I somehow could handle it — I don’t want to put myself through that. No thanks, I’ll pass.

2. Financially, I don’t want the burden. People may think thats a cold reason to not want kids, but I’m just being honest. I’m a fucking millennial for god’s sake — I’ll be drowning in student loan debt until the day I die, paying off only the interest on my income based repayment plan each month. I’m just now at 30 years old feeling stable with my own income for the first time ever. And to be 100% honest with you, I want to spend my money on me and my partner, not a small person who doesn’t even understand what money is and how hard I have to work for it. If you can look past that — high five to you, but I can admit that I’m not that big of a person.

3. I don’t want the strain on my body. I’m not special in that I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life. And sure — you can argue all you want that having kids is more rewarding than having a hot bod. And I’m sure thats true for some people. But vainly, I just don’t want to ruin my body like that. I’ve got enough stretch marks on my inner thighs and love handles from when I was heavier. I shall opt for keeping my bladder and vagina and breasts in tact for as long as I can. #SorryNotSorry

4. It’s not what I want my day to day life to be about. I enjoy being around kids of a certain age for a very short amount of time, and somehow that window gets smaller and smaller as they get older. I don’t have enough time for myself, I can’t even imagine having every moment be about feeding and changing and crying and being sick and everything else. Worrying about myself and the people I love is all I have the energy and time for folks. Its wonderful that some people are happy having every day be about play dates and going to the park and doing whatever Mommy-and-Me crap you mothers out there do — but thats just not who I am. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world, experiencing art and theater and music, trying really hard and failing at making alone time for myself, falling in love with Jonah more and more every day, searching for a woman to fall in love with at the same time, and a million other things I could spend hours writing about. In everything I want for my life, there just isn’t a kid running around in that mix.

5. I’ve got some weird Mom-related reasons swirling around in my noggin, too. My relationship with my mother was very special to me. I was an only child raised by a single mom and that, my friends, creates bonds unlike any other. In the three years since she’s died, I’ve realized how sacred my time with her was. I even had a window of time where I thought I was going to cancel getting my tubes tied because I had this morbid realization that by having a baby, and possibly a little girl, I could have a piece of my mom back again. Thats not a healthy way to think. I talked my feelings out with my loved ones and ended up back at my decision to have the procedure. Somehow, the mother-daughter relationship that I had with her is the only one I want to have in my life. 

6. Other areas in my life deserve my love and attention more than a child. First and foremost — my love life is too important to me. Jonah is my world. And aside from the fact that on our first date he told me he didn’t want to have any more kids (he has a daughter from a previous relationship), our life doesn’t have room for an infant. Our life together — my career, my company, other creative and business ventures I have brewing in my head, Jonah’s music,  our love life being polyamorous — all of these things deserve my love and attention more than having a baby. And guess what? As mentioned above, I already get to have a daughter in a sense! I get to have this super cool friendship/stepmom/parent-type thing with a wonderful little girl that came from the man of my dreams. I can’t wait to see her blossom into a young woman and see what she’ll achieve in life. ALSO, I have an amazing nephew who is about the same age and even though I don’t get to see him every day the way his mom saw me every day, I love the bond I have with him and getting to see him grow into such a sweet and upstanding young man. All of this and more deserve my love and attention more than creating another human.

7. I don’t think its necessary to populate the world with more people. If I lose anyone big time with any of these reasons, I think this one might be it. We as human beings are literally ruining this planet. There are too many people in existence as it is. We’re polluting the ocean at an alarming rate, global warming is all our fucking fault, and every year more and more animals hit that endangered species list or worse, become extinct. Don’t get me started on animal rights! More people just create more garbage, more waste, more problems. I’m sure you love your big family and think you’re not part of the problem, but guess what — we all are. I don’t want to add to it. I can help not add to it by the following...

8. I would choose adoption over reproducing any fucking day. When I had my initial doctors appointment to schedule my tubal ligation, my doctor obviously asked me why I wanted the procedure done. I rambled off a few of these reasons I’ve just shared with you and closed with this: “If for some crazy reason I want nothing more than to have a child 10 years from now, I would want to adopt anyway.” And that was the end of that conversation. There are so many children that need foster homes or to be adopted. In Minnesota alone, an article from this past January from Kare 11 states that “this year alone some 17,000 children will need temporary, out-of-home placements.” I saw an adorable little boy at the grocery store the other day running in front of his parents. For one second I thought, there are I don’t even know how many little boys just like him that need homes across the globe. The thought broke my heart. If I wake up 5 years from now and want nothing more than to be a mom, I want to change someone’s life and give them the loving home they otherwise might not ever have.

9. I’ve never had a strong will to be a mother. Sure, when you’re in grade school you might trade future baby names with your girlfriends at recess. For me it was Hayden for a boy and Aslynn for a girl. But as a teenager and adult, that daydream disappeared. I’ve never longed to be a mother, or to have any sort of a conventional life for that matter. It’s always seemed really boring and expected and normal. One of the very very few positive things that came out of my relationship with my ex-husband was the day he helped me realize that I just assumed I’d have kids someday because thats what society had drilled into me. The moment I stood back and really honestly asked myself, “Do I want kids?” I had my answer. No. And I’ve never looked back.

10. Most importantly, my body was made for more than reproduction. I know we don’t live in medieval times — this isn’t Game of Thrones no matter how much I wish it was. We live in an age of being a career mom and female empowerment up the wazoo. But theres still this thing floating around out there in the world that its expected of me to reproduce. Ridiculous abortion laws like the one that just passed in Georgia that makes it illegal to get an abortion after 6 weeks makes me feel like we’re only glimpsing the tip of the iceberg of whats coming down the pipes. The only person who can control what I do with my body is me goddamn it. My female body can do just as much (AND MORE) than any male body can. Maybe its just me being stubborn or thinking I’m more important than I am, but I firmly believe my body can do a million more important things shit out children. I truly believe we are heading to a Handmaid’s Tale existence, and I won’t be a part of it. I refuse.

I didn’t write this blog to make you feel like shit if you are a mother, and enjoy being a mother. Everyone is different. I respect that. But we all have different perspectives. And I truly believe that there are a lot of moms out there that didn’t think long and hard enough about this life-changing decision, and now they’re stuck with it for life. At the end of the day — you’re going to do you, and I’m going to do me. But maybe you have a little insight into what goes on in a head like mine, and why motherhood doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.

I’ll be honest with you — I sort of have this weird feeling that for once I have total control over my own body. Pregnancy has been this fear stamped on my love life since I took that dive at 14 and I finally feel free from it. I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I could be feeling that way because I just bought my first house and have this cool, new perspective on taking control of my life. But somehow, I’ve never felt more in control in 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 life 👏🏻

Watch out world. The only one in control of my life and my body is me. 

[swiftdec13]

Meeting Taylor 7/27/2018

Ok... Get ready for a WILD ride.

Flashback to May 25, 2018. I flew to Denver to see Taylor with my best friend. He moved across the country after high school and we always make sure that we see a show wherever he is living at the time (he moves around a lot) and where I am, which is always Upstate, NY because I’m a homebody!!!

SO, this is where life started to take a downhill for me. Before getting on the plane, I had a panic attack and I wasn’t even sure if I was going to make it to Denver. I kept reminding myself, it’s for Taylor, you have to go, it’s for Taylor. I was SO sick the entire time in Denver from anxiety. On show night, we found out that our seats were right at the barricade that Taylor was going to walk through and naturally, I was balling my eyes out, I could NOT believe that I was going to be THAT close to Taylor. I have seen Taylor live 8 times altogether throughout the years and NEVER have I EVER been able to be standing within an arms reach of her!!!! 

The show was rough. As I mentioned before, I was feeling SO sick. At one point I legit thought I was going to have to get security to help me out BUT I kept telling myself, you are NOT missing the chance of being able to grab Taylor’s hand, NO WAY NOT HAPPENING. So it was time for her to walk through the crowd and Mitch got mine and his reaction on tape, which was actually really hysterical so I posted it on Tumblr in hopes that Taylor would see it because seriously ya’ll it was priceless. 

So, fast forward to June 15. I was laying in bed minding my own business, reblogging my posts as per usual and ALL OF A SUDDEN, my Tumblr starts BLOWING up. Taylor had liked the video of Mitch and I... not only that, she straight up LURKED me and liked 7 things, including a selfie and I DIED. I called Mitchel and was BALLING, I’m pretty sure that he thought an emergency was happening but once I told him, we were both FREAKING out, we couldn’t believe it. Taylor and I have been mutuals for like 4 years and this was the first time she properly noticed me and I was living a dream. 

Alright, fast forward again to the beginning of July. I was sitting in the movies with Mitch while he was visiting and my entire body started shaking for no reason. I could not calm it down for the life of me. It continued to shake all night and I felt SO sick. The next morning, the 4th of July actually, I told my Mom for the first time that I thought I was suffering from an anxiety breakdown. We went to on call wondering if maybe it was dehydration but, everything checked out normal. I called my Dr. straight away and the office was closed for 5 days straight. For 5 days, I laid on my couch, sicker than I have ever been in my entire life. So nauseous, my body shaking off and on, it was literal hell. I finally got to the Dr’s. and explained to her that I believed I was suffering from major anxiety that just popped up and overtook me. She agreed and I started to see a therapist and began medicine. Ok, the first night on the medicine, I about DIED, I was so sick, getting sick in the trash can, with a non stop shaking body and I was so scared. I called my Aunt and cried and told her I needed to go to the hospital. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t move, I just wanted to die. My Aunt came over the next day and we sat down with my Mom trying to figure out what to do and I went to stay with my Aunt for a week because she has been through something similar. That week, was the scariest week of my life. I couldn’t go out in public, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I felt nauseous 24/7 and all I did was cry. 

OK, FAST FORWARD AGAIN, so now I’m like 2 weeks into my medicine and the Dr. said about 10 days things should start improving but you don’t see full effects until about week 6. SO, I still feel nauseous daily and my appetite is just starting to return. It’s still difficult to go out in public and my hands pretty much shake non stop, which is really annoying. I keep making myself go out every day because I know that it will be beneficial. SO, it’s a week before the Gillette shows and I had tickets to all three nights. I knew that there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to be able to go with how sick I’ve been. I called Mitch and sadly told him that I had to call everything off, and when I say sadly, I mean, SADLY. I was so depressed. That weekend is all that I was looking forward too all summer and I wasn’t strong enough to go. Mitch being the great friend that he is only cared about my health so he understood completely. 

FAST FORWARD to Tuesday, July 24th. I was leaving my therapist appointment and ALL OF A SUDDEN, around 12:30 in the afternoon, I have a DM from Taylor Nation. SO, I try to remain as calm as possible, because, anxiety, and I called Mitchel and staying calm didn’t work out so well. I was SO sick waiting for that phone call. Around 6:45 in the evening, I got a phone call from a New York caller and I FREAKIN’ REJECTED THE CALL BY ACCIDENT. I called back over and over and left a voicemail and talk about SICK. I couldn’t sleep the entire night, and my stupid body was shaking again, and I thought that was my one chance to meet Taylor and I freakin’ BLEW IT.

SO, the next morning, Wednesday, sick as shit again, I just prayed to GOD that they called me back. A little after 11 in the afternoon, I got a call again from a New York number and it was Taylor Nation and PHEW thank you LORD. SO I gave her all of my information and she was super nice. Later that day everything was confirmed for meeting Taylor Friday and WOW what a DREAM. 

Now the nerves set in. I had no idea how I was going to survive this trip. The night before, Thursday, I was a nervous wreck. I was so sick, legit like leaning over toilet dying and I was so scared. I was just praying that somehow I could myself together because I could NOT miss this opportunity. The next morning, I was feeling pretty calm and I was READY TO MEET TAYLOR SWIFT. I picked Mitch up around 8 am and we set off to Massachusetts. As the day went on, my anxiety started popping up here and there but it was manageable, I just kept reminding myself that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I’ve been waiting 12 years for and my stupid anxiety was NOT going to ruin it for me.

So we had to pick up the meet and greet paper at will call between 4-5 pm on Friday. This is when the nerves really started kicking in because other people were waiting for the paper too and it just wasn’t coming and we were all freaking out. FINALLY the paper came closer to 5. So, we went through security and the paper said to ask the guards for help. I went up to a group of security guards and they kept telling me, were told there was no meet and greets for this show, where did you get this paper? I was trying to explain and the guy TOOK MY PAPER AND WALKED AWAY and I wanted to DIE. He came back and goes yea, no meet and greets, after using his walkie talkie, So, I SNATCHED THAT PAPER SO QUICK AND SAID, I’LL FIND IT MYSELF THANK YOU!!!!!

I’m FREAKING out at this point because neither Mitchel or myself know where to go or what to do and we had 20 mins. at this point to get there. I ran into amazing Tumblr people who literally ran around the stadium trying to help me. I’ll be forever grateful to that group of girls because not only did they help us find the meeting spot, they stayed with us the entire time until we went backstage reassuring me that everything would be ok. At this point, the stadium is legit SPINNING and Mitch just kept telling me to breathe and take a minute to myself.

We finally get backstage and I CANNOT BELIEVE that I’m standing inside of the REP ROOM. There was polaroid cameras that we got to use and water and sodas for us. I’m not sure how long we were in there before meeting Taylor but, it felt like a lifetime and I was slowly sinking ship. FINALLY it’s time to start lining up to meet Taylor. Mitch and I were called second. We had talked in the car about what we wanted to say, etc. and keep in mind that originally I wanted to ask Taylor to sing Change, I’ve been posting it on Tumblr for months, but I told Mitch to forget about it because I was like, she never will. Before going into REP ROOM I ran into another Tumblr Swiftie and Taylor had told her the night before that she was thinking about singing Change for Friday night and I ABOUT DIED CRYING BEFORE EVEN GOING IN TO MEET TAYLOR. I COULDN’T BELIEVE??? DID SHE SEE MY POSTS??? HOW WAS MY LUCK FALLING INTO PLACE LIKE THAT??? THIS NEVER HAPPENS IN MY LIFE.

SO, it’s our turn to go in. I pushed Mitch in first because I was legit SCARED LOL. Mitch walked in and I followed closely behind and Taylor goes, oh heyyyyy, like she knew us forever. She hugged Mitchel and then hugged me. She goes, look at you guys, you look so good, I love the snake vibes you have going on!!!! Mitchel goes, WOW you’re so tall!!!! Are you wearing heels??? Taylor laughed and was like I know right, I am so tall, but yes, I’m also wearing heels. Mitch then proceeded to remind me to give Taylor the snake ring that I had for her, mind you I have yet to say anything because I was just IN SHOCK. She is so beautiful, and WOW like in person she’s not even real??? So, I hand her the ring and she puts it on and says oh my gosh thank you so much!!!!! SO there was like an awkward silence and finally I turn to Mitch and I go, I’m going to start crying, and I turn back to Taylor and I am full on UGLY CRYING SOBBING at this point. She was looking me in the eye, like she genuinely cared about what I had to say, and I said, I’m having a really hard summer and I just wanted to thank you for wanting to meet me. Taylor goes, aw of course, and I said, I just sit and listen to Change and I know that things will get better, your music helps me so much. Taylor’s eyes, I can’t even explain her facial expression like she genuinely felt my pain and cared so much. She hugged me and she was like I’m so sorry that you’re having a hard summer, I hate hard summers. Then when she let go she goes, would you like me to sing that song for you tonight? I was like yes thank you so much... she was like yea? That would be good? I haven’t played it in like 8 years but I can make it happen. I’m still full on sobbing guys. 

She goes should we take a picture?? So we walked over to the picture spot and Mitch goes, what side Britt, and Taylor laughed and goes, yea get your good side girl. At this point I’m so zoned out, I couldn’t even remember what I did for the picture. I don’t even remember Taylor’s head leaning on mine hahaha. SO, after the picture, Taylor hugged Mitch again and then came over to me hugged me for SO LONG GUYS. Like, legit I start sobbing again over her shoulder and she was like, I hope that your summer gets better because you don’t deserve this. It will get better, because these things will change, right? and I said right... and still full on sobbing. So we said bye and I said thank you, and I honestly can’t remember what I last said. I just remember I heard Taylor like sigh, a sigh like oh my gosh, poor girl, LOL. I never even once said I love you and you mean so much to me??? What’s wrong with me!!!!

ANYWAYS, flash forward to the show. At this point, I’m really losing steam. I can feel my body so tense and so nervous and the nausea started to return but I kept telling myself, you need to make it to the surprise song, there’s NO WAY you can miss this. So, FINALLY it’s that time. I had NO idea that Taylor was going to legit CALL ME OUT ON STAGE and basically dedicate Change to me but I was full on SOBBING AGAIN. I looked around the stadium and felt like 60,000 people were telling me to keep fighting because these things will change and I can’t even describe the feeling that went through my body.

There are NO words to express how grateful I am that Taylor did all of this for me. I don’t know what I did to deserve this all but, it was worth the 12 years of standing on the sidelines wishing for that moment. I still have a long battle to fight but I’m never giving up because these things will change, can you feel it now? Thank you so much, @taylorswift this night meant SO much to me. I love you!!!

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

@pollyaunt @nicasiasloverr just gonna put this here so everyone can see. yes i am okay! i'm fucking pissed as hell but i'm okay.

here's how it all went down:

my intercom system is broken so i emailed the super on friday asking if i could get someone to fix it.

he immediately responded and said he'd made an appointment for me with a mechanic and asked me to confirm that the date and time would work for me.

i said yes that works.

the very attractive mechanic shows up on monday at the time i confirmed. we chat a little while he works. i make a fool of myself cos i'm flustered.

then he says he has to order another part so he can't fix it today, he'll have to come back when they get this other part. i'm like oh? another date? 👀🙈

i say "great just let me know when". he winks at me then leaves.

at this point i'm just living in a fanfic.

which is very much besides the point but this is all to say that i have ABSOLUTELY no reason to intentionally avoid this appointment.

i'll get my intercom fixed and presumably by hot mechanic guy. there's no reason i shouldn't actively be awaiting communication from someone about it.

i hear NOTHING from my superintendent.

no email, no text, no voicemail. nothing. i figure the part is just being shipped and it hasn't been that long since the first appointment. i don't think anything of it.

flash forward to this morning. two days since hot mechanic guy.

i'm in the shower. i hear a knock but since i'm in the shower with the door closed, it's very faint and i think it could be the neighbour's door.

the knocks keep happening so i'm like ...? ig it's my door but idk what you want me to do, i legit have soap in my hair and i don't know of anyone who is supposed to come by today.

i don't answer the door, thinking whoever it is will take the hint.

i get out of the shower about 10 min later, check my phone, notice i have a few notifs. two missed calls from the property manager made while i was in the shower, and a text message that reads "the mechanic is here to fix your intercom. are you home right now to let him in? if not, can the super give him access to your apartment?"

i'm standing in the middle of my apartment in a towel, hair still dripping while reading this text message for the first time, when i hear my door being unlocked.

i freeze.

i'm honestly still processing what's happening because surely the super isn't trying to come into my apartment without my express permission right? RIGHT???

very very wrong.

luckily i had the latch down so he wasn't able to open the door all the way, but this dude tries reaching inside to undo the latch as if he didn't know that was a DISGUSTING invasion of privacy or that the latch being down meant someone was home and to fuck off.

i was out of my mind LIVID so i literally shouted "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT" and he's like "uhh hhhhh 😰" then shuts the door.

AND THEN!!!!

this bitch decides it's perfectly acceptable to start banging on the door of an audibly distressed woman as if he wasn't just basically breaking into her apartment two seconds ago.

i run to the bathroom and lock myself in cos i'm just freaked out at this point. legit NO ONE had waited to confirm ANYTHING with me, including the bit where someone was literally entering my apartment.

the banging proceeds for about five minutes before he gives up and leaves.

meanwhile, i'm sitting on the bathroom floor in my towel calling my dad and my partner and trying not to cry cos like... idk? i feel unsafe and tbh kinda violated. i'm in no state to go answer the door and have a civil conversation.

the property manager knows they did me dirty too cos i'm on the phone with my dad when i get two calls and 3 text messages from him with some bullshit about "please let the super in." "we made an appointment for 10am." "the mechanic is here he can't wait around all day"

AS IF SOMEONE HADN'T BEEN TRYING TO PHYSICALLY BREAK INTO MY APARTMENT TWO MINUTES AGO??

💀💀💀💀💀

like also bitch YOU made the appointment!!! i was never given the chance to confirm or deny my availability because no one thought to take two seconds to make sure i knew it was happening!!!

anyways that's how i learned my building management has absolutely no regard for tenant safety or consent 🤪✌️

y'all will not believe the day i have had thus far...

[serensama]

How whould the rfa react to an MC that doesn't have a driver's license and is so BAD at driving, like worst that Jumin driving 😂

Heya guys- just a little reminder that my requests are still closed- i have a back log of them (that require more intricate work/longer than 10 minutes) that have been in there for a while that I haven’t had a chance to write out for them. The only reason I’m doing this ask that I received today was the answers literally came to me in 2 minutes and will take me less than 5 minutes to answer, like a writing warm up if you will. 

Yoosung: Oh God. Oh God. We’re going to die. We’re going to die-MC: Hey this is really fun!Yoosung: Oh- no! Watch out! We’re going to die! We’re going to die!MC: I’m doing so well for never having gotten my license right? Yoosung: …. I’m going to be sick. MC: Yoosung?Yoosung: *unintelligible crying and dry heaving whilst MC laughs maniacally* Zen: …Okay so if we just take it nice and…MC: *presses foot on the accelerator and starts to drive 40kms over the speed limit.*Zen waits until they are stopped at the stop light and reaches over to pull the keys out of the ignition. The actor smiles wobbly and steps out of the passenger’s side and over to MC.Zen: Jagi- I think it’s my turn to drive now-MC: …But I’ve only driven for two minutesZen: And they were a lovely two minutes Jagiya- but I’m your Prince- let me guide your noble steed… or… Toyota… whatever. Zen picked up MC and forcibly put her in the passenger’s seat, just happy he managed to keep his cool (and his urine inside of his body.) 

Jaehee: *is the most perfect picture of calm on the outside, on the inside- she is  s c r e a m i n g* MC: Let me know if you need me to pick you up!Jaehee smiles and tells her it won’t be necessary, giving her partner a kiss on the cheek. From then on, whenever the company car is late or broken Jaehee insists that she’ll walk to work, that it’s good for her health. Yes. Good. Because she wouldn’t be dead from a heart attack if she ever had to be in a car with MC as the driver again. Jumin: So this is the first time you’ve ever driven?MC: Yes! *swerves to miss a cat… on the sidewalk… she’s driving on the sidewalk*Jumin: I see.MC: Okie dokie! That’s my 30 minutes done for today!Jumin: I am impressed my love. I particularly liked the part where we didn’t roll over and crash. Well done!*he’s legit proud of her… I mean… who is he to judge?*

Saeyoung: *they haven’t even left the garage and he’s already on edge*MC: This is so much fun! Saeyoung: *intense praying* Please Lord, you can do anything to me… just… just don’t let anything happen to my baby… MC: Oh don’t be silly ‘Young! I’m fine!Saeyoung: I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY CAR!  MC: *smiling wickedly as she weaves in and out of traffic at a ridiculous speed*Saeran: *watching on with the most uninterested, deadpan expression on his face.*MC: *pulling over* So! How did I do?Saeran:… That… That was so much fun! MC: I KNOW RIGHT?!Saeran: Now… it’s my turn!MC: Wait… you… you don’t know how to drive a car?Saeran: NoMC: But… you were meant to be the one supervising me…Saeran: And I did. Now it’s your turn to supervise me. Now I noticed that you tried to avoid hitting the things on the road… wouldn’t it be more fun if we tried hitting them instead?MC: THIS ISNT A DODGEM CAR SAERAN!Saeran:… Damn. V: …. doesn’t know there’s anything wrong. He’s pretty dang blind at this point and trusts MC so implicitly that he just lays back and enjoys the ride. He doesn’t seem to notice all the constant car honking that happens when she drives or the muffled screams of the horrified pedestrians as she narrowly misses them… He does however notice that they always manage to make their appointments early and always compliments MC on her driving. 

[wanderbitesbybobbie]

REAL TALK: Inside a Bipolar Mind Amidst a Pandemic

Three nights ago, I sent an e-mail to my psychiatrist. The e-mail went this way…

Hi, Dra. Belle. How are you? I hope you’re doing well and good and most of all healthy. I’m doing OK, with all the Covid 19 things happening. I just had 1 breakdown so far which I would really like to discuss with you on our next consult if there’s any slot available. I was scheduled for April 6 appointment, but if there’s any slot left for May, I would gladly take it. I’m not that anxious at the moment as I’ve been trying to avoid stressful news. Over all, I’m OK, except that I find it really hard to sleep again. Probably because I’m just at home, and I don’t have that much activities compared to my usual routine. I do cardio exercises, I write a lot for my blog, but because there’s longer time to rest, I really find it hard to sleep at night. I keep waking up with the body twitches again, and because of lack of sleep I’m usually irritable. I badly need to take Clonotril again. However, I can’t seem to find your latest prescription of Clonazepam (Clonotril), I’m not sure if there was one issued last March. I tried to show Mercury Drug the Feb 3 prescription which has been unused, but they said it’s already expired. They said, they will accept E-Prescription, so I have to ask my doctor for it. May I please request another copy of the prescription for Clonazepam? I still have my Quetiapine prescription and I was able to use it, I just dunno where I placed the Clonazepam. I know you always hand me 2 prescriptions every time. 1 for Quetiapine and 1 for Clonazepam. I’m just not sure if I misplaced the other one, or if I forgot to get a prescription for it last time. If it’s possible, please send it here on my e-mail. I only have 1 left in my stash and I’m a bit panicking because I can’t find the latest prescription. I attached here the photo of the February prescription. Thank you so much. Hope to hear from you soonest. Keep safe and God Bless.

I stood in front of the counter at my local pharmacy. It took them around half an hour before they were able to dispense my medication. Though my psychiatrist have issued the latest prescription, the pharmacist had to call the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency to verify how legit my papers were. Yes, it’s a usual practice. One of my medications is a controlled drug, and it is heavily regulated by PDEA. So I waited for the pharmacist until someone from PDEA answered their call. I kept calm. There was nothing I could do anyway.

SURVIVING THE QUARANTINE

It has been a month since the government decided to put the entire Luzon (northern part of the Philippines which includes Manila) on a community quarantine. All movements are limited. Mass transportation has been stopped. There are checkpoints everywhere. People from the private sector were asked to work from home. The government is badly trying to flatten the curve. Covid-19 has been winning for the last months. It has taken over the major economic centers of the world, USA, Italy, Spain, United Kingdom, China, Japan, it did not spare anyone. It took the rich and the poor, the old and the young. As of this writing, there are 2,215,167 Cases in the world, 149,676 Deaths, and about 560,672 has recovered according to Worldometers Info. It does not look good, wherever angle you would look at it.

I honestly don’t know where I stand, but I have a lot of things in mind. It’s 2:15 AM. If you would notice, most of my articles are posted at wee hours like this. Why? BECAUSE I HATE SLEEPING. I have recently discovered this during the time of this pandemic. I hate it when the clock strikes at around 12 midnight, that means I have to put myself to sleep again. Sleep is essential I know, but for someone like me who has a massive trouble sleeping, it’s not a pleasurable process. It comes with my disorder. My brain is hyperactive (manic) at this time. I am not like a normal person, who simply lies down in bed, tuck themselves comfortably in, and instantly falls asleep. I have to take heavy medications to put my relentless active brain cells to shut down. I have to wait for hours until they take effect. If sleeping is a dilemma for me, the same goes with waking up. It takes the same amount of effort to put me to sleep to be able to get me up to function.

But conversely, I am somehow liking the quarantine. It gives me so much time to be away from my tiresome daily hustle. I don’t have to go out everyday for work. I don’t have to wake up early to get multiple things done in a day. I don’t have to force myself to deal with people. I wake up, prepare breakfast, watch Netflix, prepare food for lunch and dinner, take photos of the food I make, maybe write for my blog, watch more movies, send some replies to client inquiries, and then prepare to sleep again. It has been my routine. Sometimes, I do the laundry, clean the house parts by parts, insert some cardio exercises every other day, give my dog a bath, run through our supplies and make a list of what needs to be restocked. It’s on repeat, sometimes I even lose track of what day it is. Some days I go on a grocery run to buy stocks for 2 weeks. The long queues had never been my problem as I have a disability ID allowing me to go on the priority lane. Then again, I have always thought about the people around me. Some, computing their budgets while they read-through their grocery lists. Some, fidgeting on their phones, maybe posting rants about the unbelievable lines they had to go through just to get inside the supermarket. I never experienced any of it, and for the first time, I say thanks to my disability. My PWD ID itself is a powerful immunity. I am thankful that I wouldn’t have to wait in line, as it would definitely increase my exposure to the virus. I am at high-risk, I am asthmatic, with so many deficiencies (according to my last lab results) and I’m taking medications for my brain. There is little chance for me to survive it, so I am taking extra precautions. But because of Covid, I became thankful for a lot of things. Things that never mattered before the pandemic. I am thankful that supermarkets are always restocked with supplies. People wouldn’t have to worry about scarcity. After all, that’s what the President promised. “We have enough food and supplies.” I am thankful I could drive my car. I wouldn’t have to carry heavy supplies from Point A to Point B with the absence of public transport. I am thankful for God’s grace and that we have enough. I am thankful that I can share and I wouldn’t have to cry for help and rely on the government. This pandemic has made me grateful for so many things more than ever.

Somehow, I am surviving the quarantine. I managed to endure with only 1 anxiety breakdown. I cried my constant worries away all my what-ifs. I was angry, I was worried, I was stressed. But at that time, my anxiety was less of a concern. There was a bigger predicament lingering throughout the globe and that was to stay at home to avoid the virus. I know I have to cope by myself, mainly because a trip to my psychiatrist would potentially expose me to the virus. My medications kept me stable and I am functioning well (so far, so good). When boredom strikes, I turn to writing and cooking. I have known my disorder for more than a year now, and it is clearly triggered by stress. A pandemic like this is an obvious trigger. I know I have to carefully eliminate things that would cause me to react.

REACTING TO SOCIAL DISTANCING AND ISOLATION

But there’s always a downside to every situation like this. As I walk inside the supermarket, I watched how people behaved like dormant zombies slowly pushing their carts. Except, they don’t have any human triggers that would make them agitated. With the quarantine going on, only one person per household is allowed to go out. They become the “tributes” as they brave the great outdoors to restock their supplies. Social distancing has been implemented. No one is talking to each other as they keep a safe distance from one another. Everyone wore their “gears” of protection. Wearing a face mask is the new norm.

10 minutes of this for someone with a major anxiety disorder can easily trigger a meltdown. Isolation stimulates sadness and depression and reduces the feeling of optimism. That is a fact. How do I know? Because I have experienced this first-hand. I always thank the people who take their time to read what’s on my Disability ID. “Mental and Psycho-social”, meaning I can go from zero to maximum breakdown at any given time. Bipolar Disorder (depressed or manic) can sometimes be activated without any clear external factors. Therefore, I cannot be left alone for a long time.

GREATER DANGERS ASIDE FROM THE VIRUS

I am lucky because somehow, I can still control my thoughts and my moods. Fortunately, I have not gone hysterical in public (yet and I hope not). My history of breakdowns have been in the corners of my house or within the walls of my room. Crying on the train or in the bus in Sydney does not count. I wasn’t hysterical. I have been applying everything from my therapies, from breathing exercises on how to calm down and talking to the people around me. I air out every feeling and emotion whether it’s happiness, sadness, excitement, fear, or whatever that comes in between. I still have a full-stock of my medications. Also, reading and writing has been my outlet. My extremely active mind has been converting somewhat manic thoughts to productivity, hence my multiple blog entries. I have a lot of things to say, so much in my mind, but I was taught in therapy that not everything needs a reaction.

Having a look around, there is no lucid conclusion with what lies ahead. Everything is not as stable as it seemed to be. No one was prepared. Everybody, including the most powerful are being challenged. It has become inevitable. But you know what greatly affects the world that seems to be unforeseen? People like me, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, are facing additional challenges. According to Psychology Today, only 2.5 % of the population share these challenges: MOOD ELEVATION AND FULL BLOWN MENTAL BREAKDOWNS. 2.5 % of the world is Bipolar, and God knows what kind of cognitive and behavioral efforts for stress management we undertake amidst a crisis like this. Let’s take everything into consideration, not only Bipolar Disorder, but the list of other Mental Disorders can go on and on.

What is equally concerning is the amount of people suffering from anxiety even without having a proper diagnosis. The pandemic has brought this upon us. More people have become anxious. For some reason, I find myself very lucky. I was already geared with coping mechanisms before this happened. What happens to those who cannot manage?

Looking into the vast expanse of uncertainty and seclusion leaves people to mull over things that could possibly transpire in the future, at the mercy of their confused train of thoughts. The world feels further away, with everyone having their own sets of worries. Fears become louder. It has become a very unhealthy environment.

General access to uninterrupted screen time increases the pressure on the mental health even more. Social media, the news, anything that frequently suggest or conveys to your conscious or unconscious mind that you might be in danger are considered “threats” to your sanity and causes more fear. Leaving our vulnerable minds bare to a steady stream of these keep us all in an anxious mode. The accumulation of stress-triggers to our brain can develop more pessimistic thought patterns, and unnecessary emotions towards our current circumstances.

I am reaching out to all my fellow Mental Health Advocates, and to everyone who can possibly read this post. These are indeed out of the ordinary times for us. As we come to the point that we impose measures to protect our physical health, how about we do the same for our mental health? Try to listen to ourselves in a deeper context. Remember, we don’t have to go through this alone. Seek help if you must. You might be required to keep a safe distance from people, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to disconnect.

KEEP CALM, KEEP SAFE AND MOST OF ALL HEALTHY, NOT JUST PHYSICAL, BUT MENTAL TOO. YOU ARE ALL IN MY MIND AND PRAYERS.

With Love From Quarantine,

    REAL TALK: Inside a Bipolar Mind Amidst a Pandemic was originally published on WanderBitesByBobbie

[hddnone]

Today has just been such a shit day. Detailing it out makes me feel ridiculous because: I’m an adult and I should handle this but too late and I’m not/can’t.

I just...it’s Wednesday. My mind is exhausted. I’ve already worked almost 40 hours this week, and I still have to make it through Thursday and Friday and pop back in on Saturday. 

People work more in a week, for sure. I have. But I’m being really efficient, I’m operating close to high capacity, I haven’t snapped at anyone, I’m doing really well except that things still aren’t getting done. There’s just more and more and nothing gets finished more just keeps getting added. Deadlines are approaching but I can’t work on that stuff because I have to do the urgent things or my cells will die and I’ll be further behind by weeks. 

And all the stupid things today. An unexpected meeting with the boss that I was only half-prepared for. A collaborator who was supposed to come by and pick something up and simply didn’t show for the third time he set up the exchange. Finally, after doing good things (actually, though, I got stuff done!) for 11 hours today, I go to catch the bus and the (new) custodian starts talking at me.

I met him for the first time yesterday, the first day he started working on this floor. He’s older, at least sixty, and very chatty. Yesterday, it was fine. Today, I am clearly leaving - packed up, walking out, at the door - and suddenly ‘hi, have a good night,’ turns into a ten minute diatribe on his car? Because his ‘careful, it’s cold’ turns into putting air in his tires turns into taking his car into the shop last week turns into the praise on the condition of his car turns into very specific details of how he takes care of it and, and, and...

And I can’t even interrupt him, he just keeps talking, there’s no pause, there’s no ‘conversation,’ but it just keeps going on and on and on and I keep thinking maybe he’s lonely? And he just wants someone to talk to/at about his day? But I have a bus to catch, it’s been a long and terrible day and I’m starving and still have to make dinner, and finally finally finally I get enough words in edge-wise to stop the monologue :: but of course it doesn’t matter, because I’ve already missed my bus and so have to stand around for another 30min waiting for the next one. 

I get home, eat some food, I start to feel better & more human and... we have no hot water. No idea why, so I’ve set up an appointment for tomorrow for someone to come look at it - fortunately online scheduling is a thing, because what business is open at 9:30pm when I discover these things?? - but tomorrow is going to be another 10-12 hour day. And now I have to go to work, go home for this appointment, go back to work, and there’s no way I’m making the plans with friends (that I actually had, for once!) tomorrow night that I’d been looking forward to all week.

Full disclosure, I’m not handling this with grace. Legit crying, emotional breakdown, over this stupid fucking water heater. My parents are probably judging me - rightly - for my inability to handle this, because I called them to ask if I was just being stupid about the hot water and if there was some simple fix, and I’m crying on the phone about not having hot water. ((It’s really fine though they know I get overly stressed about these things and that I’m bad at them. Still. It would’ve been nice to appear calm for once))

I should be able to handle this with much less of an emotional response. I acknowledge this.  But I’m not, and I can’t. I hate maintenance tasks like these, where I have to arrange appointments and bus into work and bus back and then bus back again. I hate that I’m not going to get to take a hot shower tonight. I already hate the Thursday that I’m going to have to manage tomorrow. I hate that I will have to Face People and deal with interactions when I’m already at my limits with my own lab work. 

On an unrelated tangent, my room is a disaster. I have no lunch for tomorrow. My laundry basket is overflowing. I forgot to take the trash out this morning. My roommate’s dirty dishes (particularly, a baking sheet I would’ve like to use ((and we have 3 of them. she has used all 3))) have been sitting on the counter for five days now. Someone left a beautiful, wonderful comment an one of my stories at AO3 and I have yet to reply. My queue is empty. I have to make my mother a birthday card and send it by Saturday. 

It’ll be fine. It’s just... a Capable Adult would be able to handle this, and that’s not me right now, therefore I am failing at life. 

And perfect timing: I just ran out of Kleenexes. 

[morganbelarus]

The Common Acupuncture Myths You’re Falling For & What The Truth Is

When you think of acupuncture, you probably think of two things: needles to the face, and your weird alternative friend who shadily doesn’t believe in vaccines. Well, like most stereotypes, this is not really correct. Acupuncture has been around forever and isn’t like, some back-alley shit you turn to in a moment of desperation. Well, I mean, maybe you’re desperate, but my point is it’s a legit science that’s been proven to help with so many issues like pain, digestive issues, and sleep. Acupuncturists have to go through a lot of schooling before they can practice—a three- to four-year masters program, to be exact. So yeah, we’re going to bust some common acupuncture myths thanks to our friends from Sanctuary Acupuncture & Holistic Health in NYC.

We were lucky enough to have Sanctuary Acupuncture & Holistic Health come to our office, where they offered a variety of services. We tried out ear acupuncture and cupping. These are our stories. EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DICK WOLF. Oh wait. That's not right. Moving on.

Ear Acupuncture

First of all, acupuncture doesn’t have to be needles all over your body. It can be if you’re into that, but it’s not necessary. If you want the same rest and digest benefits of all-over acupuncture, but like, you can’t sit with your facial muscles completely still for an extended period of time (hi), you can do ear acupuncture. The acupuncturist will stick five needles in various parts of your ear and leave them chilling in there for about 10-20 minutes. I know what you’re thinking, and it hurts wayyyy less than getting your cartilage pierced, so it’s a pretty painless experience. Afterwards, they can continue the treatment and put gold ear seeds or crystals in the same points. It helps prolong the benefits of the acupuncture AND you get to feel like one of those super edgy people with multiple ear piercings even if you secretly cry at night listening to Taylor Swift.

I specifically told the acupuncturist that I wanted help clearing my sinuses, and I shit you not, I stopped sniffling so damn much during the procedure. I’m not saying acupuncture works miracles, but I am saying I might book another appointment when I feel a sinus infection coming on. So like, the second I step outside today. If you want the full benefits of acupuncture but you're a little commitment phobic, try ear acupuncture as your gateway.

Cupping

You probably remember vaguely hearing about cupping back during the last Olympics, when Michael Phelps showed up with perfectly round bruises all over his body that made us think, “Damn, who gave Michael Phelps all those hickies?” The answer: ancient Chinese alternative medicine. Cupping was developed thousands of years ago, and it is the practice of putting special cups on your skin to create suction (hence the hickies). It can be use for pain, inflammation, blood flow, relaxation, and, in the case of Michael Phelps, winning gold medals.

Okay, so cupping won’t directly help you win gold medals, but it definitely didn’t hurt. Basically, if you spend 90% of your week rubbing your shoulders and screaming about how you need a massage, cupping is for you. Funnily enough, cupping is actually the opposite of a massage in that it uses pressure to suck the muscles upward, rather than pull them down. Tons of celebs are obsessed with cupping, including Jennifer Aniston, Lady Gaga, and Victoria Beckham, so if you’re worried about the marks, don’t be. They’re literally a status symbol at this point. (But also if you're going to an event and are wearing a backless dress or something, you can just tell the specialist and she'll place the cups strategically for you. NBD.)

Don’t forget to follow @sanctuaryacu and book your appointment NOW!

More From this publisher : HERE

=> *********************************************** Read More Here: The Common Acupuncture Myths You’re Falling For & What The Truth Is ************************************ =>

The Common Acupuncture Myths You’re Falling For & What The Truth Is was originally posted by 16 MP Just news

[thatslifesis]

POST 3

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted but that’s because I started with an idea and then my mental health got in the way of things for a couple of days. After those three anxiety filled days I decided I wanted to write about what I was going through. When you are diagnosed with any mental illness by a doctor the first thing they do is pick a medication to put you on to “help you feel happier”. One of the most common side effect of anti-depressants is thoughts of suicide and worsened depression. The first time a doctor told me this I was about 12 years old. I was terrified of taking this mystery pill that could either help or make me even more depressed. That’s when my journey with medication begun and let me tell you my experiences with medication have been hell. Everyone has a different treatment for their depression and some people are lucky and the first med balances them out but I was not so lucky. My first medicine was the reason I went to the hospital in 8th grade because it had the opposite effect. After that I truly felt like a guinea pig the doctors were experimenting on. Some worked and they would have me on the highest dose possible and then I would grow a tolerance to it and have the opposite effect once again.This happened so many times I lost count. Every time I would have to be weaned off of all the medication that made me want to die it made me feel like an addict who hasn’t got their fix yet. If I stopped taking them right away I would go through with withdrawals and would be throwing up and have constant anxiety until I was fully medicated. Even when they were tapering me off of them I would feel like my head is somewhere else like a zombie. I am fully dependent on three different medications at the moment. One of my biggest flaws is I forget EVERYTHING. Being on time and never missing appointments is huge deal to psychiatrists and I’m constantly missing appointments so I was let go from my doctor recently which is not good. The average waiting list for a psychiatrist is 2-3 months. Thankfully my primary care will prescribe me medicine until I find a new doctor. It’s been pretty difficult to get my medicine filled once a month so recently I have had to go without it for a couple days once or twice in the last 3 months. This is what happened to me last week. I take a medication called, seroquel for sleep and mood stabilization and I ran out so I called my doctor and left her messages but could never get to the doctor’s office because of work. I am there later at night and they are already closed when I get out. I didn’t take it Monday night before bed and I woke up Tuesday kinda out of it and a little anxious which I expected but the whole day at work my stomach hurt so bad. Later that night I got really nauseous which is my biggest trigger for anxiety. When it comes to throwing up my body thinking it’s legit about to die. I don’t know exactly why...thanks mom....but I have had this fear since I was 6 years old. At about 3 am Wednesday I wake up sweating. I was up all night with anxiety so bad that I was shaking like a leaf.  I throw up twice and then fell back to sleep until 6 am. The anxiety was back and I was a mess I called out and took my anxiety medication, lorazepam, which knocks me out completely. Unfortunately this is the only way to stop my anxiety when it gets that bad. I wake up and lay in bed for the day I started to feel a little better. I packed my lunch for work the next day and messaged my co teacher telling her I would be there the next day. 6 am hit and I’m back in the bathroom throwing up and freaking out. Called my boss planned on going to the doctor and getting my medicine filled then go in. I was happy to have a little more time to relax and maybe the doctor could give me something to calm me down. The doctor told me to take lorazepam and then go to work. I smiled and walked out with a doctors note “just in case”. I get in the car and start bawling my eyes out because I know I can not take lorazepam then work because I would pass out. I called work and tell them I’m heading to work, on the way there I pull over twice to throw up and I realize I really can’t do this I need to go home. I can’t do my job like this so I call work crying only ten minutes away and tell them I’m sorry then drove back home. The only way to make this horrible feeling go away is by taking the medicine to balance myself out. I took my seroquel at 10:30am and fall asleep from 11-6:30pm. I woke up and felt like a new person, no anxiety and no more nausea. I absolutely hate that I’m so dependent on medication that it affects my health and basically puts the breaks on my life. It isn’t the best when you work with kids who need consistency and it’s hard to find coverage. I’m currently talking to three different doctors and my boss is helping me so I have more time to handle this which I am soooo thankful for! I have a good support system which is a huge help. Moral of the story never forget to refill your prescriptions and  take your medicine EVERYDAY. I hope you enjoyed this post! Please let me know what you thought! If any of you deal with this as well I hope you find your balance soon. Anyway that’s life sis!

XO Dal