#I AM ACTIVELY CRYING THIS IS VITAL INFORMATION

[haven-gum-rockrose]

This is gonna be me when I'm posting a fuck ton of screenrecordings of fantasy high in a bit

im hope im not just your tumblr mutual but your [Autistic about a certain media that you're not into] mutual

[springfallendeer]

Endurance Training

Late BDay gift for @justaduckarts. Shockwave x Reader.

There is a daily routine here.

Wake up at 7 AM sharp, when the lights turn on and a familiar alarm dings. Get up, get dressed, and get ready to face the day.

Getting ready includes everything from using the bathroom to taking a shower. All basic but essential aspects of personal hygiene must be attended too, as those things were all vital to long term health.

The goal of all of this was to make it last as long as humanly possible. Then maybe beyond, if the process of drawing it out further could be unlocked.

8 AM. Breakfast is served. A perfectly balanced meal containing all of the essential nutrients needed to get them through the day. Some sort of protein. Carbohydrates are a must. Fruits. Vegetables. Oils. All prepared in a way that allows them to remain palatable, though they are a far cry from anything that a human might make for themselves.

Slurries. Crackers. Cakes or loaves. Everything fell into a category of that sort.

It was easiest to think of everything as astronaut food. Though they were by no means an astronaut. The meal was merely something easy to make, easy to store, and easy to eat. All for the sake of efficiency. With enough care put into maintaining a range of taste and texture to assure some level of enrichment, which would make the otherwise boring food somewhat easier to consume.

Eat quickly then relax using remaining time. It was best to allow the body the chance to begin processing the food before the next part of the routine began.

9 AM. Begin the daily exercise routine. Maintaining physical health is a must in this environment.

Eight total exercises to go through in two hours. Ten minutes of activity for each exercise, with a five minute break between to allow for rest and a chance to rehydrate.

An adequate mixture of liquid and electrolytes is provided in order to assure maximum efficiency.

Music will be provided if asked. The usage of VR to simulate different activities in different environments will be put to use if requested. Otherwise the exercises are carried out in the stagnant environment of the exercise room.

11 AM to Noon. Relax and recover from the exercise routine. Enrichment will be provided at request. Media of any form can be accessed through simple voice requests. The interactive AI in charge of maintaining the habitat will assure that all needs are met.

Now is the time to put in requests to change in the environment. The habitat can be recolored with ease. If additional plants or enrichment decorations are desired, they can be obtained within three solar cycles.

Animal companions are forbidden due potential risk of sickness or injury. Specialized robotic companions will be provided as a compromise. These robotic companions will be programmed with a mixture of interactive AI and behavioral data gathered from observing the organic life of earth.

12 o’clock noon to 12:15. Engage in any needed hygiene maintenance. Evacuate accumulated bodily waste. Bathe to remove accumulated perspiration. Change into provided clothes. The testing process will soon begin.

12:15. The ceiling of the habitat will open. Shockwave will retrieve you. Step into his hand once lowered into the habitat to consent to the day’s experiments.

From 12:15 to 1 PM, expect to be given all information pertaining to the day’s experiments. Anything of importance will be given, from expected level of discomfort to how long each experiment is expected to take, if there are multiple. This is the time to ask questions or engage in small talk. Expect short responses.

Shockwave is a creature of few words. He is driven by logic and by the drive to understand the various workings of the universe around him. No matter how complex or mundane they might be.

You are his current subject of interest. An illogical one, from his perspective. The experiments that he subjects you too are less out of desire to understand humans, and more out of the need to grasp why it is that he is so unusually attached.

You are his pet. His personal guinea pig. Something that he looks after and has no intention of doing away with.

Something that has awakened urges within him that he long thought eliminated due to the punishment he once endured. Something that he could not even properly use as a means of satisfying these urges, due to the weakness of the human flesh and your pathetically small size.

1 PM. The experimentation process will begin. This is where the overall routine tends to deviate, as the experiments tend to change day by day.

Sometimes he puts you in a maze and has you find your way through. Sometimes the maze is empty. Sometimes he provides you weapons and expects you to make your way through without suffering serious injury.

You might be hunted by small machines. You might wander into traps.

He might just strap you to a table and subject you to a range of stimuli to get a read of how your body will react.

Some days, the experiments are boring; used more as an excuse for interaction than anything else.

Some days, it would be more accurate to state that he tortures you. You will be subjected to painful or genuinely distressing experiences that will leave you on the brink of a psychological breaking point. But there will always be time set aside to assure that you will recover from the process. To the point that there may even come a break from the routine and future tests will be put on hold, at least until you have adequately recovered.

Some days, like today, it was the polar opposite of torture. Or at least, the torture was not meant to be painful.

“For today’s experiment, we will be doing an endurance test.” Shockwave states as he places you down atop the usual table.

There, you find a smaller table set up. One more suited to your size. One that you can and are obviously expected to lay down upon, given the obvious cuff points that are meant to keep your arms and legs restrained.

You’re very familiar with the table. All manner of sweet and agonizing torture alike have been inflicted upon you in the past, while you laid strapped down and helpless on top of it.

Already aware of what the table entails, you strip out of the sterile clothing that Shockwave had you change into just a short while ago.

While it might seem redundant to change only to then immediately strip, the clothes provided protection during transport. They kept your skin safe.

That, and they were equipped with special devices that would slow your fall if you somehow wound up being dropped. So you would fall slower, thus allowing Shockwave to easily grab you without risking severe injuries. That way, you could fall from heights that would normally prove fatal and suffer sprains at worst.

That didn’t make falling any less terrifying, though. If anything, it made it worse, because you would fall for longer.

You place your clothes in the usual spot before you climb onto the experimentation table and make yourself comfortable.

Or as comfortable as you can get with your arms and legs strapped down to the table by electromagnetic cuffs.

They make your extremities tingle a bit. Not in an unpleasant way, but it can make you feel like you’re going numb, after a while. It is a very strange sensation. But it is necessary.

You are restrained for your own safety. To keep you from getting uncooperative as the tests are carried out. That way you cannot accidentally hurt yourself or otherwise sabotage the experiment by struggling.

Shockwave steps away to retrieve his supplies once you’re thoroughly restrained.

As he does, the usual helpers emerge from their charging docks to see you dealt with.

Your body is so small and delicate compared to his. He could easily crush you with one of his fingers, if he was not careful. So smaller robotic creatures, crafted vaguely in his image, were used to get you sorted.

Their little grasping limbs could easily work with whatever device Shockwave crafted for the sake of an experiment. Whether that device was a separate object, or something built into equipment that was already in use. Like their bodies, or the bed that you were strapped down too.

They change your position to make the experiment easier. Individual plates on the bed are prompted to move, allowing the cuffs to move, which slowly pulls your legs further apart.

What is then presented to you is probably the wildest looking sex toy that you have ever seen.

A long purple tentacle, lined on each side with glowing red spots. It has overlapping plating, which gives it an almost reptilian look. But it is entirely mechanical and made from materials that your feeble human mind could never hope to grasp.

The tentacle is attached to some sort of crescent shaped base, which in turn has electromagnetic straps connected to it.

You will very obviously be wearing this thing.

The endurance training that Shockwave has in mind is unlike any that you have ever experienced in the past.

The robots get your body prepped as Shockwave returns.

He’s brought with him a similar looking piece of equipment. The same crescent shaped support and the same straps. The only difference being that in place of a tentacle, there is… Well. You would refer to it as some sort of a fleshlight. A long hollow tube that looks like it might take whatever he had to offer. Plus a tube at the end, likely to allow certain fluids to drain and reduce the mess.

A generous amount of lubricant is applied to your body while Shockwave sits down to get himself ready for the experiment.

“These tools will provide near constant stimulation to the most sensitive parts of our bodies. They will keep track of our every response to the stimulation. From our sensitivity levels, to our number of orgasms. I will take the collected data, to compare the differences between human and Cybertronian endurance.” He explains whilst going about the process of strapping the device to his own legs.

Robotic fingers poke and prod inside of you all the while, making sure to stretch you out in preparation for the sizable device that will be probing at your insides.

From where Shockwave is sitting, you can watch his every move. The smooth, calculated motions of his hand as he unlocks his pelvic plate to coax out his phallic appendage.

His spike, as it is apparently called. The Cybertronians have their own unique means of describing body parts. Though from a human perspective, it really was a strange term for a penis.

Regardless, his spike slides effortlessly into the hollow tube of the device.

As it does, the robotic aids begin to usher the probe into your thoroughly prepared body.

It is a snug fit. Intentionally so.

The fake spike has clearly been designed with the shape of your body in mind. It curls perfectly so as to avoid hitting any unpleasant spots, while keeping all the essential areas thoroughly stimulated.

Once the device is attached, the robotic aids back off to allow the experiment to proceed. They will not be needed again until it is time to release you.

You bite your lip as the stimulation begins. It starts with slow pulses. Vibrations that carefully work to get your body on board with the intense experiment that is to come.

The object wrapped around Shockwave’s phallus lights up. It visibly stimulates him with a similar range of vibrations, though it also appears to be stimulating him further through subtle electrical discharges.

He doesn’t make a sound.

You, on the other hand, are not so adept at keeping your composure.

“I modeled your device after my own spike.” Shockwave states. He adjusts how he is sitting so that he can rest his arms on the table on either side of you. All while making sure not to accidentally jostle you or bump the table that you are strapped down to.

“Our devices are designed to work in sync. The one I wear conforms to the shape of my spike, and relays information on my every movement to yours. Your toy takes that information to adjust the movements of the false spike, while taking into account every movement of your vaginal canal. Thus assuring that my device will wrap around me just as your body wraps around that spike.” He explains.

His words are more than enough to coax a soft whimper out of you.

This whole experiment is just an excuse to simulate intercourse. His device replicates the feel of your body wrapped around his shaft. Your device replicates how it would feel to have his spike slowly grinding into you.

You can feel it moving inside of you. Those overlapping plates give the device the ability to squish itself smaller or expand, which creates the sensation of slow thrusting.

Even the straps used to keep the device in place are slightly lax, allowing some give each time that the spike mimics an inwards thrust.

Shockwave’s lone eye constricts and expands at random intervals as he studies your every reaction.

You’d like to think that those subtle movements of his eye are a means of displaying pleasure. That his eye might constrict with each jolt of euphoria that rolls through him, and every relaxation is the relief before the next spike.

The antennae on the side of his head click down and then back up every so often, seemingly in time with your every internal clench.

He feels your pleasure, thanks to the devices strapped to both of your pelvises. You’d like to believe that his every reaction, subtle as they are, are in response to you.

Unlike him, you’re far from silent. You’re incapable of maintaining any level of composure throughout this strange and erotic game that he’s playing with you.

Though your movements are severely limited due to having been restrained, no efforts have been made into locking your waist into place. And so you reflexively thrust your hips to meet the stimulation of the tentacle, all the while pretending that he’s there to meet your movements.

You squirm. You moan. You whine, and you whimper.

Beads of sweat form on your heated skin. If they don’t evaporate, then they accumulate and roll down your body.

Your back is uncomfortably sweaty against the metal table. Your front is cold, from the slight breeze in the air.

You clench your hands. You curl your toes. You bite your lip and arch your neck back with each orgasm that takes hold of you.

You’re an absolute mess, compared to him.

The closest that you ever get to a big reaction on his part is when his eye dramatically flickers. His antennae will flatten almost entirely with loud clicks, and his eye will tightly constrict.

It constricts so much that he seems to be struggling to focus on you, causing a rapid flicker as his eye shrinks and expands while staring directly at you.

This lasts for a few seconds each time. Then his antenna returns to their usual relaxed state and his eye expands to its standard shape.

Some part of you wants to believe that that was an orgasm. That the pleasure managed to get so good that some part of him failed to keep tabs on his composure, causing him to have physical reactions that would otherwise never come to be.

The experiment goes on for hours.

You genuinely have no idea how many times you orgasm. You wouldn’t have been able to keep track, even if you wanted to.

There are times where the pleasure bleeds over into pain. Times where the build to the next orgasm is so overwhelming; so intense; that for a few seconds you experience genuine agony.

Tears will well in your eyes and roll down your cheeks. Your moans break into momentary sobs. You almost plead for him to stop. But before you ever can, the rush of relief washes over you as your body works its way beyond the limits of euphoria.

The experiment concludes at 9 pm. Not because Shockwave calls it quits, but because both of the devices abruptly power down; either because they have used up all of their stored energy, or because they have gathered all of the data that they could.

By then, you’re an absolute mess. Drenched in sweat, your hair clings to your skin. The evidence of your many orgasms forms a visible trail of viscious fluid, trailing down from your pelvis to the bottom of the table. The beginnings of a puddle has formed underneath, further accentuating just how overly stimulated and abused your body is after all of this.

The robotic aids return to set you free and help clean you up.

The electromagnetic cuffs are deactivated. You try to push yourself off of the table, only to immediately collapse back on top of it. A mixture of exhaustion and hyper-sensitivity renders you unable to move.

Damp cloth is used to wipe your body clean.

You tremble not just because the cloth is cold, but because your body has been left so sensitive to touch.

Extra care must be taken when cleaning between your legs. The continual stimulation has left your thoroughly used orifice flushed and slightly engorged from the constant flow of blood to the area.

As ashamed as you are, you orgasm more than once while the robots clean your soiled nethers. Which Shockwave makes a verbal note of, in order to keep the data accurate.

His voice tremors as he speaks.

After having spent the whole session completely silent, you had assumed him perfectly composed. But his voice gives him away, even if the change is barely audible.

There’s a faint tremble in his legs as he stands to clean himself. And for the first time since you have met him, his hands appear unsteady as he works.

Not even Shockwave is immune overstimulation. He is merely better at maintaining an image of composure than most.

“You held out for longer than anticipated.” Shockwave states as he cleans himself up.

His spike is absolutely saturated in… Whatever the Cybertronian version of ejaculate is.

It may very well just be a diluted form of Energon, given its bright color.

He makes sure to get himself cleaned up and tucked away before he brings his attention back to you.

“I will need time to process all of the data. So you will be exempt from further experimentation for the time being.” He explains.

Once you have been ushered back into your clothes, he reaches out to retrieve you.

The robotic aids make sure to get out of his way. He is forced to gently nudge you into the safety of his palm. You are so exhausted that you cannot assist him in picking you up.

Once he has you, he easily lifts you up to eye level so that he might observe you.

“... I am satisfied with your efforts.” He states.

This is the closest that he can get to showering you with praise. Not that you mind. You can tell by his behavior that he cares for you, in his own odd way.

Though he keeps you in a terrarium like an insect to be studied and he experiments on you like a lab rat, he obviously cares. Otherwise he would not put effort into providing you the enrichment that he cannot otherwise give you.

There is no need to give you decorations for your home. No need to let you listen to music, or for him to even make you a robotic pet.

He does that in an attempt to make you happy. Because some part of him; some small, mentally disconnected part, cares about your happiness.

That fact is made most obvious at times like this. When you’re weak and exhausted after a taxing experiment. When you’re at your most vulnerable, and at the greatest risk of being damaged by anything that he does.

Rather than just put you back in your habitat and leave you to rest, he holds you.

He carefully wraps his fingers around your tiny body and applies mild pressure to gently squeeze you, as if hugging you with his hand. Then he just holds you and observes you until you inevitably succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep.

There will be no sentimental words of praise. No compliments. No sappy promises.

Just his unwavering gaze and the delicate contact of his hand. Until you fall safely into slumber.

You’ll wake to find yourself tucked into your bed. There will be a drink and a meal waiting for you to help you recover from this taxing event.

You might even find a special treat. A cookie or a cake. Something made not by him, but by human hands back on earth; stolen away with you in mind to be used as a wordless sign of adoration and care.

He does care about you. He knows that he cares. Even if it is illogical for him to do so.

[thedreadvampy]

I really am very glad that I was raised with Quakerism.

like I'm not a Heftily Practicing Quaker (in that I'm not a Member or even a regular Attender at any meeting, largely bc Edinburgh Meeting is a really unwelcoming one imo and also bc I'm. Spiritually lazy.) but the spiritual and philosophical underpinnings of Quakerism are a good fit for the sort of person I am. I haven't found another religion that meets what I'm looking for in a faith community, and I don't think it would have occurred to me to seek Quakerism out if I wasn't already familiar with it. and honestly like Quaker Meetings and the Quaker approach to silence and community have given me the space where I've had some very potent religious experiences and I might have had that elsewhere but I also don't know that I would have been in the state of mind to accept it as readily.

it's got the level of seeking discomforting truth that I think is personally important for me in religion. I think faith should be discomforting as much as comforting. I think your faith should challenge you constantly.

there definitely are a lot of people who build their own Quaker orthodoxies, but on paper Quakerism is anti-dogmatic and anti-orthodox, and it's very clear on treating religion as something adaptive and open to change based on new information and I think that's vital. I think it's incredibly important to be able to constantly question why you're doing something and if it's spiritual truth or just communal inertia. "Consider it possible that you may be mistaken" is a banger of an Advice.

I also think the Testimonies are phenomenal guides for living in faith (those are the guiding principles of Truth, Justice, Simplicity, Peace and Sustainability). like. I had a really interesting conversation with my Muslim friend a while back about how his faith called him to obedience and mine calls me to I guess stubbornness? a guiding push to speak up and to question? and for me that's because of the Testimonies. because peace requires justice, and justice requires truth, and truth requires a willingness to both speak and listen and not to avoid conflict. Frameworks like plain speaking (not talking around things to smooth things over) are really valuable.

Something I take from Quakerism particularly that I end up talking a lot to people about is discernment. I think there's something about the nature of a community like Quakers where everyone's input is significant but silence is important that allowed me to cultivate my sense of what WANTS to be said vs what NEEDS to be said. George Fox calls it the "still small voice". To me it's also what "quaking before God" (which is where the name comes from) looks like. I know I need to speak or act because it forces its way through me against my will with a force that leaves me shaking and crying. I tend not to give ministry in Meeting unless I'm shaking like a leaf, because if I'm not then it doesn't need to be said. That to me is what "being moved by the Spirit to speak" means, and I take that learning out of Meeting and into my regular life. cause like in a difficult conversation or a difficult situation or for example in work or activism, I can recognise that same moving to speak and if that's there then I know it's important. it's like a feeling that you Are Going To do this uncomfortable hard thing however much you don't want to because it has to happen. and tbh that's guided me extremely well through my life, as has the question of discernment more broadly, which opens up the way to saying, like, "is this about what I want or about what would be right to do?"

I think in general this idea that living in faith should be a constant process of questioning, of failure and learning, of trying to tease out what's right from a personal conversation with yourself and the world, and if leaning into discomfort, is really vital to me. the importance of mediation and listening and understanding peace and justice as active, living processes involving accepting conflict and working to resolve it is really important to me. the construction of a religious community led by creating space to both speak and listen - to yourself, to each other, to God, to the world around you, to the community as a whole - rather than by a rigid set of rules to interpret, that's the most vital thing to me. religion without human authority. a collective search for truth where we can all feed in from the facets of the world each of us see.

(it helps, for me, that while I have many political disagreements within Quaker communities, as in any community, Quakerism a) recognises action in the world as being a part of living in faith and b) is largely on the sound side imo - certainly in the UK, although it's very white, old, middle class and not free of TERFs, it skews left, anti-war, pro-equality, pro-bodily autonomy, pro-LGBTQ, and generally ends up on the right side of history (made more space for women than many 17th century religious groups; major voices for abolition in the 18th century; big on worker's rights and prison reform in the 19th century; have been involved in mediation and direct support in anti-colonial conflicts like Ireland and Palestine; big in CND and disarmament campaigns; one of the biggest religious bodies in the UK to make a unilateral call for marriage equality). it also helps for me that a major thread in Quaker political history is the Fuck Authority streak - from refusing to recognise royal authority to refusing to back down when threatened. A lot of Christian groups have a left/progressive fringe which is involved in this kind of action - in prison reform or abortion, in gay rights, in disarmament and anti-colonialist work, etc - but I think I've not really seen many other religious groups where that's the central/mainstream position.)

like idk I think I'm very lucky. Obviously growing up around Quakerism has contributed somewhat to me thinking of it this way and to how I frame my own religious life but like. idk. I feel like I'm Christian purely by an accident of birth - because I was born in a culturally Christian family and region, that's the framework that I have available to me to help understand my personal religious experiences. If I had the same spiritual experiences but I was raised culturally Buddhist or Hindu or Zoroastrian then I would frame that numinosity through a Buddhist or Hindu or Zoroastrian lens. Not to sound wanky, but to me almost all religions are equally meaningful but equally limited attempts to parse contact with the numinous/divine in ways which can be understood and utilised in a human context. How you understand your faith depends both on which lens resonates most with your experience - and growing up embedded in a specific cultural faith means you're likely to have a much more detailed and nuanced and multifaceted understanding of that faith, which means you are more likely to find a version of it that resonates with you. Doesn't mean you might not be better served by another faith or sect or interpretation - it's worth exploring and it can be that you find it elsewhere. But what's all around you does inform what frames you bring to the table.

so like. My Christianity is largely coincidental and often quite academic. I don't feel like there's something unique in the teachings of Jesus that I couldn't find in the teachings of many other prophets and philosophers. but it's a framework which offers me something to hang my faith on and compare it against. but my Quakerism isn't. if I'd been raised somewhere without Christianity overall, I think I would have found the same value in another faith.

But if that faith didn't have a sect or community that offered the same call to challenging, questioning, and discernment that Quakerism does - the anti-dogmatic, horizontally-organised, and consciously evolving view of religion - then I would have a problem. That's the bit that uniquely resonates with me - the listening to and conversation with the world, God and yourself, rather than ideas like absolute truth, rigid hierarchy, and a spiritual separation from the world.

(I started rambling about this because someone I follow (a Jewish Marxist) was talking about the perception of Judaism as a whole as being this kind of very progressive open-ended questioning space and how that didn't relate to their experiences of mainstream Judaism. and I don't know enough about mainstream non-online Judaism to have an opinion on that tbh but I do think that my own experience of my own faith community has been very that. like the way people talk about this flavour of Judaism online is very resonant with my experience of Quakerism (and tbf, a lot of Quakers talk the talk but in practise are very reactionary and unwilling to genuinely sit with the discomfort of being challenged or to risk conflict or to move beyond a milquetoast centrism. but that's true in every community). and I was just thinking that I feel very lucky to have a faith community where I do feel broadly like that's the case, because evidently this person posting has a much more fraught relationship with theirs.)

(and I feel like saying that makes it sound like I'm utopian about Quakerism. Most Quakers I disagree with hugely. but like. that's most people. I do genuinely believe that the root beliefs of Quakerism are ones that align with these principles.)

(also like. Quakerism isn't comparable with Judaism, ftr. there are 16.2 million Jews in the world and like 400 thousand Quakers, because Quakerism isn't a separate religion but a sect of Christianity. It's not even comparable with Reform Judaism specifically cause that's still like 4x as many people. Quakerism is a relatively tiny sect of a very large religion. but. given that. that it's this single way of looking at a specific religion. I'm very lucky to have had this lens that resonates so much with me be so readily available bc it's a lot harder for a lot of people to find that resonance. even within the UK (the Quakerest country) I know a lot of people who spend decades looking before finding that Quakerism is the lens that works for them. and I haven't always been a Quaker although I've always been in the community. and part of the reason I feel so lucky and able to engage fully is that I wasn't asked or expected to be Quaker.)

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 317: My Boy Was Just Like Me

Previously on BnHA: AFO randomly blew up Lady Nagant as a good reminder of why you should never make a deal with this fucking guy, smdh. Hawks was all “well if it isn’t my two best friends, Deku and Lady Nagant, both of whom I respect and love tremendously.” Everyone was all “??” and Horikoshi was all “shh... just pretend” because it was too embarrassing for him to admit that he forgot to write a couple of set-up flashbacks I guess. Anyway so Hawks got Lady to tell them where AFO was hiding out, and everyone said goodbye to her and Overhaul, who never did get to see his boss (sorry buddy, I’ll send you a vial of my tears in the mail), and headed out to a house in the woods. AFO was all “hello Deku :) :) it sure is fun making you suffer :) :) :) anyways this is a trap”, and blew up the house. Yeah, we all here are getting reaaaaaaaal tired of your shit, AFO.

Today on BnHA: The Hawksquad and Edgeplatoon meet in a warehouse and are all “what should we do about the fact that everything sucks?” Mt. Lady is all “here’s a thought, what if we tried battling AFO with more than six people.” Hawks and Endeavor are all “great initiative, but just a friendly reminder that our friends also suck and would probably betray Deku which would suck further still.” Shouto is all “ANSWER THE PHONE DAD” and Endeavor is all “[IRONICALLY DOESN’T ANSWER THE PHONE].” Meanwhile over in Sadtown, capital of Sadland Prefecture, Japan, Deku is all “All Might, as you can clearly see I am completely fine and good, never been better in fact, definitely not caught up in the throes of an epic mental breakdown which is shutting me down emotionally, anyway so on that note I would like to leave you now goodbye!!” All Might is all “[can’t actually form any words because he’s too distraught].” Fandom is all “o(╥﹏╥)o.” Horikoshi is all “(*＾-’) 乃 [pew pew finger guns and barrel rolls into the darkness].”

sweet jesus lord

this literally doesn’t even look like Deku anymore?? this looks like Dark!Deku who shows up to fight you in that one room in the Water Temple. he looks like he’s about to crawl out of my television set and murder me with his psychic powers good lord

holy shit lmao Horikoshi is really just shrugging his shoulders and resolving last week’s cliffhanger with a single line of dialogue

fire is no one’s weakness. idk what other options you’ve got, AFO, but you’re gonna have to go back to the drawing board. maybe try bees or something. I’m just saying. we’re all expecting fire at this point but nobody is expecting bees

anyway so now they’re all sitting in some warehouse somewhere chatting about it I guess. shoutout to Horikoshi for finally giving my man Edgeshot some more dialogue at long last

well, Edgeshot, to answer your question, she exploded. so naturally she’s fine

nah just kidding, Hawks says she won’t be able to help them out much because she’s recovering from being exploded. this is the part where we all ignore the fact that Hawks got set on fire for like a full ten minutes back during the War arc and was only in the hospital for a day. anyways enjoy your temporary plot hiatus Nagant

man there’s a lot of dialogue here and I’m trying to figure out where to insert commentary but it’s kinda difficult lol. basically, Edge and the others are saying that they should gather up the other remaining heroes and get them all caught up on the whole OFA situation. which, hmmmm

like on the one hand, these guys definitely aren’t going to cut it on their own, so it’s a reasonable suggestion on the face of it. but on the other hand, do we really want to entrust the OFA secret to a bunch of other people, most of whom shat the bed during the War arc to be quite frank? is it really worth the additional risk? especially given that any one of them might go spilling the beans to the public -- or worse, betray them to AFO??

also just a quick side note here, Mt. Lady’s character development never ceases to delight me. she’s become so committed to her responsibility as a hero these days, and it fucking suits her. I genuinely consider to be one of the elites now. I mean it doesn’t hurt that all the other elites are fucking dead lol but still

wait what? Death Arms retired??

Death Arms as in the guy who was too afraid of a little fire to try and save a terrified 14-year-old kid who was slowly suffocating right before his eyes?? that Death Arms???? color me surprised. shocked, I tell you

...okay but holy fuck

Death Arms. bro. my expectations for you were low but holy shit. like I’m sorry, but I don’t even have it in me to try and pretend like I feel the slightest bit of sympathy for him or Old Man Samurai or any of those other guys today. thanks for a whole lot of nothing my dude. good riddance

(ETA: so I’m rereading this the next day and realize this comes off as kind of harsh, so let me just try to clarify. it’s not the fact that he’s quitting that bothers me, to be honest. it’s the fact that he’s quitting specifically because he feels like the public is being mean to him. that’s it.

seriously. it would be one thing if he was quitting because he was scared, because now that is human. nobody wants to die, and I doubt any amount of training can ever fully prepare someone to go up against that fear. but the thing is, he never once mentions that, or talks about the danger aspect. instead, I got the distinct vibe from this speech that Death Arms is one of those people who only became a hero because of the limelight. and I just don’t have any patience for that. if all you care about are likes and subscribes then go become a fucking youtuber or some shit. nothing wrong with that! but you didn’t; you signed up to be a hero and protect these people. they gave you their respect and admiration because they trusted you to protect them. and now that they’re no longer in the mood to worship and applaud your every move on account of them being scared shitless because they’re living in the literal end times, you decide to dip. so like okay, fine then. don’t let the door hit you on the way out. anyways lol sorry for the rant.)

anyway so yeah. perfect example of why I don’t exactly have a ton of faith in most of the remaining heroes out there lol. also let me just once again give a shoutout to my best girl Mt. Lady whom I suddenly find myself appreciating all the more

“please calm down makeste. drink some water and enjoy this fresh new jeans pun” listen Horikoshi don’t tell me what to do dammit

fine. it is a nice pun, I guess

-- damn so now Endeavor’s saying that the media is already being fed info by the retired heroes. so for some of these guys it wasn’t enough for them to abandon all the people they swore to protect and to leave their fellow heroes out in the cold; they decided they might as well actively make things worse for them while they were at it, huh. like I get wanting to spill all the dirty secrets from your old job that you just quit, but this isn’t Jeff Bezos you’re screwing over, this is a sixteen-year-old kid

-- like, yes!! this, right here!!

exactly!! let’s not forget that there are already two prior instances of this happening. Endeavor arguably deserved it, but Katsuki not so much

huh. Endeavor seems to have a more optimistic outlook regarding this than I do lol

I mean, this is the same public that didn’t hesitant to blame a kidnapped child for his own kidnapping, and then later on for being the downfall of the Symbol of Peace. but okay then

anyway so blah blah blah, more talk about how they need to use Deku as bait, which basically puts them back at square one, and then they’re all just trailing off into silence and sitting around in the dark lmao this is getting very depressing

SKDJFLSDKJ:LFKJ

SHOUTO?????

NOOOOOOOO ARE YOU KIDDING ME

OH HOW THE TURNTABLES OMG. THE GHOSTER HAS BECOME THE GHOSTEE. Endeavor you petty son of a bitch. and what a brutal cut to that flashback too. “let’s stop Touya together” nah Shouto I’ve got a better idea why don’t I abandon you in U.A. and sally off with Hawks and Jeanist to found the “let’s pretend like we’re doing something to help Deku” club, which basically consists of us sitting around making terrible decisions all day long

Shouto, honey. you deserve better my little Coca Cola can. .........but if you really do have something important you need to tell your dad you could just text it to him. all the love and support, hugs and kisses, you’re doing amazing sweetie. but if you need to pass on any vital information you can just write it down and hit send honey that’s all I’m saying love

now he’s getting another call?? -- or, no, Hawks is getting a call from All Might

ARE YOU FOR REAL HAWKS OMFG

so while you all were sitting around talking about how useless you are, the kid you’re supposed to be protecting was battling another hired gun. I see. please pardon me for one second, I have a phone call to make. the phone call is to RockLockRock and Manual. the reason for the call is to apologize for calling them the worst bodyguards ever back during the War arc. the reason for the apology is because it turns out I WAS SEVERELY MISTAKEN OMFG

JESUS CHRIST DEKU DID YOU JUST KILL THIS MAN LMAO

shoutout to Horikoshi for offscreening this fight. we get it, lol. Deku strong and scary, villains ineffectual and feeble, and AFO... [checks notes] yep, still a dick. the angst arc continues

-- the angst arc continues, SIR

jesus christ I may have to rethink all of my opinions about Deku being framed for murder in movie 3 lmao. never mind. he did it, your honor

holy fucking shit Deku. “he might blow up, so please be careful” fdlskjflk jlskdjflk lwkejflk anyway so I’ve decided the explosion running gag can stay, actually

DEKU WAIT YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH!!

lol why do I get the feeling some serious shit is about to go down. ALL MIGHT NEVER MIND BACK OFF I THINK HE NEEDS HIS SPACE

OH MY FUCK I GASPED OUT LOUD

NO NO NO. I KNEW THIS WAS COMING GODDAMMIT BUT NO. NEVER MIND, I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT IT, I’M NOT READY TO CRY TODAY

shit. shit shit shit shit and OF COURSE all I can fucking think about is that stupid fucking prophecy and gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Deku please. please please please if you really are going to leave All Might here, please be so very careful in choosing your farewell words to him now because have this sudden horrible fear that this might be the last time you ever see him alive and oh god. oh god oh god

DEKU NO, YOU’RE REALLY NOT!?!?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE LESS FINE IN MY LIFE, ACTUALLY????

holy shit. and the fucking callback to the prophecy now. just in case we forgot. WHICH FYI, WE DIDN’T. but that’s basically confirming that this is all still very much on the table and HORIKOSHI NEVER FORGETS oh my god someone please hold me

and the fact that Deku’s flashing back to it now too, though?? because he never forgot either, because of course he didn’t, and now all this stuff is happening, and AFO’s words are getting to him, and this is literally his worst fear come to life and so of course he’s distancing himself from everyone, and now it’s finally come to even this. even the person he admires most

-- OKAY NO, FUCKING COME ON ALREADY I CAN’T TAKE THIS

I GET IT OH MY GOD, I ALREADY UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF THIS MOMENT WITHOUT ALL OF THE DEVASTATING FLASHBACKS THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!! YOU ACTUALLY DO WANT ME TO CRY, HUH, IS THAT IT. THIS MAN THAT HE THINKS OF AS A FATHER, THIS MAN WHO HAS BEEN EVERYTHING TO HIM SINCE HE WAS A VERY YOUNG CHILD. EVERYTHING THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH, JUXTAPOSED AGAINST EVERYTHING DEKU IS UP AGAINST, EVERYTHING THAT’S AT RISK. LET’S JUST PUT IT ALL SIDE BY SIDE. LET’S JUST PILE ON ALL OF THE FEELS

(ETA: just a quick note that even though some of the posts I’ve read have described these as All Might’s flashbacks, I’m pretty sure they are Deku’s. most of these are scenes that only he was there for, so yeah. even though All Might is the one thinking the thoughts on the next page, the flashbacks are what’s running through Deku’s mind right now, and so we’re getting that emotion from both of them, which makes it extra devastating lol.)

wait, what???

WHAT??? do you really think that’s why he’s been so determined to protect you this entire time?? simply because you’re his successor?

-- oh no wait lol I think I got that mixed up, this is All Might saying that Deku feels the need to protect him. well that makes more sense lol

oh my god I cannot

his last words. his last words to him. and we can’t even see if he is smiling, like All Might always encouraged him to do. but what are the odds he can’t actually bring himself to do it. what are the odds he’s actually crying. oh god this scene is going to rip my heart out and STOMP on it in the anime isn’t it. Deku’s VA is going to full on murder me with emotion. not that there’ll be much of me left to murder after the thorough job that Horikoshi has already done here

YOU’RE CRYING. DEKU IS LEAVING ALL MIGHT AND IGNORING HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND AND YOU’RE CRYING. AND BY “YOU” I MEAN “ME”, FUCK

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope no words just feels just a big ol’ pile of feels. I do not have the strength. future me... [broadly gestures] good luck with all that

(ETA: LOL, WELL THEN.

what breaks my heart here is All Might. All Might, and everything he’s been through, and history repeating itself, and forcing him to live this moment from both sides because he wasn’t strong enough to fix things.

Toshinori had only just turned eighteen when Nana died. like, I feel like we don’t mention this enough. the All Might we know is a sixty-something-year-old man, and so everyone always talks about him like he’s basically been an adult forever. but he was a child when he met Nana. and he was still just a child when she died. barely a year older than Deku is now. younger than Mirio was when we first met him.

and we don’t talk about that. we don’t talk about how devastating that was for him. and we don’t talk about how the reason he grew up to become so reserved and withdrawn -- for all that he always tried so hard to outwardly project the image of a bold, confident, smiling hero -- was specifically because of what AFO did to him. because AFO targeted him in the exact way that he is now targeting Deku. because that’s what he does. he goes after every new user of OFA, and he finds out what’s most important to them, and then he destroys it. and for Toshinori, that was Nana. if you’ve read All Might Rising, you know that AFO basically killed her in front of him (and only killed her, while letting Toshinori and Gran get away). Toshinori (while crying) later says she was like a mother to him. and interestingly enough, during this same conversation, Gran tells Toshinori that he can see “that madness in [his] eyes” when Toshi talks about becoming strong enough to defeat AFO. madness in his eyes. sound familiar??

what’s happening to Deku now is the exact same thing that happened to Toshinori when he was a boy. AFO tried every bit as hard to break him as he’s trying with Deku now. “the path you’ve chosen is a thorny one. every battle grinds away at your soul with no end in sight.” we don’t talk about how Toshinori experienced this same thing for forty fucking years. and all the while isolating himself, exactly like Deku is doing now. pushing people away, exactly like Deku. because he never had anyone who was able to reach out and pull him back. and those words that he now finds himself frozen and unable to speak -- “don’t push yourself”; “you can rest” -- are the same words that no one ever said to him until decades later, when it was already far too late to make any difference.

everything that Deku is experiencing now is what Toshinori also went through. and it’s only now, as he watches it happen to his student, the boy he loves like a son, that he’s finally starting to realize the full extent of how wrong it was. you shouldn’t have to fight alone. you shouldn’t have to bear that kind of enormous burden alone. you shouldn’t have to push yourself, and you can rest. you can rest.

but it’s too late. just as he’s finally coming to understand it all, it’s all too fucking late. and he can’t say the words, he doesn’t know how to say the words, and then just like that, Deku is gone.

and he’s alone. again.)

I can’t. this can’t be their goodbye. I’m not ready. for this to be how they finally part, and then they never see each other again except in OFA. how is that fair. how is that fair. how is that fair

fuck me. lol. how many pages are left in this thing. let’s just wrap this up lol. so now of all the times for this fucking guy to finally show up

I can’t believe Stain has been here literally this entire time hiding behind this random wall and cutting onions. that was you who was cutting the onions, right. no need to answer that we’ll just say it was

HORIKOSHI JUST END THE CHAPTER PLEASE I’M OUT OF SPOONS. YOU HURT ME SO GOOD AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT BUT YOU NEED TO LET ME GO NOW SO I CAN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO PUT MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER HERE. SO WHERE ARE WE CUTTING TO NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING

Stain did you also let AFO give you a new quirk. what’s with you guys. do you like blowing up

oh nvm lol because they were talking about THIS GUY ohhhhhh my fucking god

THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S SAD, LINDA!! jesus

omfg. and so yes, good, the chapter is ending here now on page 15. for once I am FULLY on board with that lmao

anyway so tune in next week for more adventures of Werewolf Deku!! that is, assuming we don’t finally cut back to U.A. at long last, which is actually a strong possibility considering that this chapter will likely mark the end of volume 31. it sure wouldn’t kill Horikoshi to start giving us some hope after everything he’s just put us through lol. KACCHAN COME GET YA BOY

[ask-sad-ghost-piett]

📝 ❌

Data Breach! Send a symbol to slice into the Admiral's data.

(OOC: Since for the meme, 📝 = private record leak and ❌ = a piece of information that could be considered blackmail, I am going to combine the two. So, here is a medical record that could be considered blackmail. I had way too much fun with this for personal reasons and got kind of carried away with this, but here it is...)

Date: 6-12-20AFE

Patient Name: Firmus Piett

History of Present Illness: Captain Piett is a 44yo Axxilan human male presenting at the Executor's Medical Bay with a chief concern of a syncopal event with potential head trauma. Captain Piett is accompanied today by General Veers who "carried him kicking, screaming and biting" to the Med Bay after witnessing the incident.

Captain Piett was performing his daily duties on the bridge when Lord Vader appeared behind him and told him he was doing "a good job". Immediately after Lord Vader's departure, Captain Piett reports having "minor" heart palpitations and dizziness, but otherwise "felt just fine". Shortly after, he lost consciousness and collapsed into the tech pit of the bridge. He regained consciousness shortly after impact. General Veers reportedly found him a few minutes later nursing a bruise and "crying in the corner of the AT-AT hangar". Captain Piett insists he does not require medical attention, stating that "Max Veers is a paranoid nerfherder". He explicitly requested that this be recorded in the medical record verbatim.

Past Medical History:

Chronic Illness: Hypertension, Chronic Psychosomatic Force Asphyxiation Hospitalization: Porg Pox (in 20s) Past Surgical History: None Medications: Was prescribed antihypertensive bacta pills in the past but has since stopped taking them believing he "doesn't need them"; Unspecified OTC Anti-Nausea Medication as needed for Hyperspeed Sickness Allergies: Porgs, Tooka Cats, Dianogas Immunizations: Annual Porg Pox vaccine and other recommended vaccines up to date

Social History:

Family HX: Captain Piett has been in the navy since he joined the Quelii Sector Academy at the age of 17. His parents are both alive and well with no known chronic illness. Substance Use: He states that he drinks alcohol "as needed" and declines to elaborate on that definition. He denies smoking, spice, death stick use, or other recreational drug use. Diet: He admits to frequently skipping meals and often substituting caf for meals. He has given up keeping track of his daily caf intake. General Veers states that it is "at least 7 cups a day". Past Sexual HX: He is not currently sexually active due to "having no time" but has had one male partner in the past. Mental Health: He has been under a significant amount of Sith-Lord-induced stress since his transfer to the Executor. He claims that he is "coping well with the all-consuming, suffocating terror".

Vitals: Heart Rate: 115 BPM; Blood Pressure: 142/90; Respiratory Rate: 16/min; Pulse Ox: 99%; Temperature: 37°C

Physical Exam: Constitutional: pale and noticeably anxious Heart: heart tachycardic with regular rate and rhythm; normal S1, S2; no murmurs or gallops Lungs: clear to auscultation bilaterally Skin: noticeable contusion on forehead *Captain Piett refused the remainder of the physical exam stating that he needed to return to the bridge to avoid being choked by Lord Vader. He was advised to return to the Med Bay at a later date.

Medical Droid Scan Results: mild contusion from acute trauma, no fractures, no hemorrhage

Assessment and Plan:

In summary, the patient is a 44-year-old Axxilan human male Captain in the Imperial Navy with a history of HTN and psychosomatic Force asphyxiation presenting with a chief concern of superficial head trauma due to syncope following an encounter with Lord Vader most consistent with Vader-Induced Vasovagal Syncope.

Captain Piett was advised to minimize exposure to Lord Vader whenever possible. He was given a prescription for a week's shore leave on a planet with copious amounts of sand.

He was referred to one of our many licensed therapists specializing in Sith-Lord-induced misery. At this time, however, he believes his symptoms would be better managed by crying alone in the AT-AT hangar.

Captain Piett was also advised to refill his prescription of antihypertensive bacta pills to address poorly controlled HTN. He was also advised to reduce his caf intake. He should return to the med bay at his earliest convenience for a full wellness exam.

Signed: Dr. En Jeena, SSD Executor Department of Emergency Medicine

[grace-lost-in-space]

Sad

Everything is still kind of not really moving very quickly. Cleveland really really really did not want me to be discharged to home. I have barely slept at all and when I do sleep, I have awful awful nightmares. It was a really hard 3 weeks in the hospital. I have never had to have so many visits with SO MANY social workers and bioethics teams and psychologists and psychiatrists. I feel so sad because I know they had to get information (about my mom, abuse, etc) but it was a lot for me and it was also a lot for them. Some of my nurses cried and some of my doctors cried when I was finally (finally!!!) just telling everything about my mom and also a lot of the other abuse that I have been through. Everyone who came in told me how concerned my team was and how worried my team was and how worried my admitting doctor (my TPN/GI doctor) was. I think that was the hardest part. Because when I got to Cleveland I did not have an appointment with my doctor. I drove 10 hours by myself with an active GI bleed and I put my car in valet and I somehow made it to my doctor’s office. When I got there I just started crying so hard. I typed in my Proloquo2Go app “I need Dr. _________. Something is wrong.” And after that everything kind of was a blur. They took me to a room and my doctor came in so fast and he said “I saw in the system where you went to your local ED and they sent you home. I need to get you admitted into the hospital as quickly as possible. I’m going to make a phone call and do a direct admission and I will come back in here after that okay? I’m glad you came here. I’m worried but I’m glad you came. This was the right choice. We’re going to get you admitted.” And then he rushed out. They came to check my vitals and I was in so much pain that my blood pressure was 159/110. My blood pressure normally is 90’s/60’s. I felt so scared. The nurse stayed with me and I just kept crying and crying. Finally my doctor came back in and for some reason, I typed “please help me.” And I think everyone in the room knew that I meant help me from my mom and help me with being sick. I think everything just is hitting me all at once now that I am home and just thinking about what all of these people probably thought when I told them about my mom and about the sexual abuse makes me so sad. I also have to say: I have never gotten so many hugs in my whole life. Everyone hugged me every single day. Social workers and doctors and nurses and dietitians. Normally I do not like to be touched but I just let it happen. I let them feel sad with me. And that was a big step.

CB talked to all of my doctors every day, multiple times per day. I am so thankful for her. She explained a lot to them that mentally I just could not.

I just feel so sad because I do not know what is going to happen next. I do not know when I will go to a foster home because, just like I thought, no foster home really wants me because I am “complex and medically fragile.” And I did get approved for 45 hours per week of having a helper with me but they said it will take “a few weeks” to find someone because of the complexity of my situation.

Today my home care nurse told me she would take me if she could.

I feel so sad and so hopeless.

[dp-marvel94]

Face to Face- Chapter 34

Summary: When Danny went through the ghost catcher, he expected to be cured of the ghostliness that had haunted him since the accident, not to wake up on the lab floor with his parents saying he’d been overshadowed but everything’s back to normal now. But why does Danny Fenton cry himself to sleep to then dream of flying? Why does Phantom, the ghost who was supposedly possessing Danny remember a life that wasn’t his? Most of all, why do both the human and the ghost feel that something vital is missing, in their very soul? Or: Trying to cure himself of his powers one month after the accident, Danny accidentally splits himself but neither his ghost nor his human half know that that is what they did

First -> Last -> Next

Word Count: 5,208

Also on AO3 and Fanfiction.net

Note: I'm finally back with an update! It's been a while. I've been busy with my Invisobang story but it's finally finished. There's more about that at the end. But anyway, enjoy this much awaited chapter of Face to Face!

Fenton was distracted staring at the clock...again. His math teacher, Mr. Faluca, droned on in front of him and he was trying to listen. He really was but….there was just so much going on in his mind. Yes, he was less worried now that Phantom was back from the Ghost Zone, but now his curiosity was peaked. Halfa. There was a word for what he was and right now, his other self was talking about that with Sidney, the ghost he’d met earlier. 

Fenton was so tempted to peak. He could, he realized. He could softly withdraw and see through Phantom’s eyes and hear through his ears. But… he needed to stay here, stay present. He was the human half right now, just Fenton. He couldn’t risk getting lost, getting tangled up with Phantom again before they were ready and able to really be one person.

So Fenton pushed away the thought. He put his pencil to his paper, copying the numbers and equations down. So this was new material. His brow furrowed, trying to figure out where the teacher was. After a few minutes, his expression relaxed. Alright, okay. This was actually starting to make sense. 

Class continued and Fenton continued taking notes. About ten minutes later, the intercom turned on. “Danny Fenton.” The boy looked up, stiffening at his name. “Danny Fenton. Your father’s here to pick you up.”

Fenton’s stomach suddenly flopped with nerves as he felt his classmates’ eyes on him.

Mr. Faluca turned to look at the boy. “Go ahead Danny.”

He quickly started packing up his things, trying to ignore the muttering of the teens around him. Moments later, he stood and slung his bag over his shoulders. Head hung low, Fenton walked past his teacher and opened the door as the lesson continued without him.

Now in the hallway, his thoughts whirled, his worries resurging. Why was his Dad here? Why was he picking him up early? And-

The boy paused, the realization suddenly hitting him like a freight train as he passed by the rusty locker 724. Phantom. His ghost half had run off, in front of Mom. The woman was probably worried out of her mind. 

The boy then continued, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Huh...it was actually surprising that he hadn’t got a panicked phone call from one of his parents yet. But that must be why Dad was here to pick him up. Obviously, Mom had told Dad what happened in the lab. And it made sense. If ghost Danny was missing, they’d want to make sure human Danny was safe at least.

Fenton’s heart sank in guilt at that thought. He hadn’t even called his parents. Not after he’d calmed down at lunch and not after Phantom had arrived through the portal. They’d both been silent for the past hour. Well...at least he’d get the chance to tell his parents what happened and ease their worries soon. Actually, he could do more than just tell them that Phantom was safe.

The human reached out with his mind, calling into the empty space between the two pieces of his mind. Phantom?

A gentle nudge was received in acknowledgement.

Fenton swallowed. Dad’s here to pick me up. You need to come too. He’s probably worried out of his mind.

The echo of his own guilt came back, projected from Phantom. Alright. I’ll meet you in the car.

Fenton nodded, humming in acknowledgement before he turned his attention back to walking down the hall. After a quick stop at his locker, the boy continued towards the front office. He pushed open the door, freezing as he saw the people staring back at him.

“Dad….Jazz.” He muttered, eyes flickering between his father and sister’s worried faces.

“Danny.” Dad breathed, relief flashing over his face. He took a step forward, sweeping the boy up in a hug.

The human Danny stiffened, blushing at the attention. His gaze shifted to the secretary who was looking at the large figure blocking the door with barely contained judgment. “Dad. I’m okay.” The boy muttered, pulling away.

His father’s face fell but before he could reply, Jazz advanced. Her face was set with deep worry. “Danny. Do you know where-”

“Yes.” Fenton cut her off, anticipating her question. “He’s safe.”

“But where-” She started.

“Not right here.” The boy whispered.

“Come on. Let’s go to the car.” Dad interjected, placing a gentle hand on Fenton’s shoulder. 

The man returned to the desk to sign the two teenagers out of school before the three quickly walked towards the front doors. They exited, crossing the parking lot towards the GAV. Dad unlocked the vehicle and the three piled in. 

As soon as Fenton was seated in the backseat, Jazz turned to face him from her place in the front. “Your ghost half ran away to the Ghost Zone?!” Her eyes were wide, tone rising with exacerbation.

“Yes. We did but-” Fenton held on his hands.

“How could you do that, Danny?!” She pointed. “And how long ago was this?”

“Maybe...an hour and a half? But-”

“An hour and half?!” Jazz glared. “And you didn’t come get me! You didn’t even call-”

“Jazz.” Dad cut her off, voice uncharacteristically serious. “Stop berating your brother.” He turned to Fenton, expression softening. “The other you is safe?”

The human Danny nodded. “Yes.”

“And where is he?” The man calmly asked.

His eyes flickered out towards the school. “Still in the school.”

“What?” Jazz gapped. 

Dad raised a brow. “Maddie said he ran off through the portal.” 

“We...he did.” Fenton bit his lip. “But uh...long story short, he managed to find his way back.”

“How?” His sister asked.

“So...umm...apparently, there’s a portal to the Ghost Zone in one of the lockers? Phantom managed to find it and flew through it.”

“And he’s still in the school because?” Jazz sounded slightly skeptical.

“He’s making sure Sidney gets back to the Ghost Zone okay.” Fenton said plainly, the information suddenly entering his mind. “He’ll meet us out here soon.”

Dad’s brow furrowed. “Who’s Sidney?”

“Oh.” The boy blinked, realizing what he said. “He’s...uh...a ghost who helped the other me find the portal. They talked about ghost stuff and..” He met Dad’s eyes, tentatively. “Apparently, the ghosts have a word for what I am. I’m a halfa.”

His father’s eyes widened in response. For a long moment, he paused as if processing. Then he swallowed. “We can talk about all of that later but your mother….”

Fenton paled, looking down. “Oh...uhh...yeah.” He froze, anymore words dying in his throat.

Jazz broke the silence. “Where is Mom?”

Dad’s frown deepened. “She’s….” He trailed off as if it was too hard to continue.

More tense silence. There was a tickle in the back of his mind, Phantom wondering if Dad was still waiting in the parking lot. Fenton replied with the image in front of him.

Phantom responded. Wait for me. I’m coming.

The ghost’s more active presence withdrew before Fenton could reply. The human looked up. “Phantom will be here in less than a minute.”

True to what he said, his ghost self soon phased through the back of the GAV. He flickered into view beside his human self.

Dad and Jazz both flinched, surprised at the sudden appearance before relaxing.

Phantom bit his lip. “I’m here now. Sorry it took so long.”

“You didn’t have any trouble with the ghost, did you?” Dad asked, raising a brow.

The ghost boy shook his head. “Nope. Sidney’s cool. We had to finish our conversation.” For a second, Dad and Jazz looked like they wanted to ask. But Phantom continued before they could, his gaze flickering nervously around the van. “Where...where’s Mom?”

There was a pause before Dad started, tentatively. “Your mom….she…” He pulled out his phone. “She left me a message on my phone. Here...let me show you.”

Fenton and Phantom both said nothing, anxiety flaring as the man pulled up the voicemail.

“Jack! Pick up your phone!” Mom’s panicked voice rang through the phone. “Come on Jack! You need to pick up! Jack!” Her voice rose as she rambled. “Our son...our son, he ran off through the portal. Through the portal Jack! He...he came downstairs to talk to me and….I f-cked up Jack. I f-cked up!” Fenton flinched, shocked at the language. 

“Oh god I...I...Jack, I screwed up.” Her voice wavered, sounding watery. “He...he said...he said he was upset with me and...and...oh god...I just yelled at him. I just sat there and yelled at him and….oh god, I f-cked up Jack.” 

There was a clatter, the sound of quick footsteps. “He ran off and…. I need to fix this. I have to fix this. I….” She paused, determination entering her voice. “I’m going through the portal. I’m...I’m going to find our son and bring him home.” More clatter, metal thumping again metal. “Go pick up Jazz and the other Danny. Make sure they’re safe and tell them I love them. And I’ll see you soon, okay? I’ll see you soon and the rest of our son will be with me.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The message ended with a beep. There was a sudden, deep silence. After far too long, Phantom spoke. “She went...she went after us. Through the portal.”

Dad nodded grimly. “I went back to the house before coming to get you and she was gone.”

The ghost’s hands were shaking. “She’s….Mom’s in the Ghost Zone, looking for me. But…” He put his head in his hands. “I’m not there.”

“I know.” Dad said quietly. “You’re safe and...your mom is a capable woman. She’ll be okay.” He turned back to face the windshield. “We need to head home now, okay? We’ll find a way to get up with her and everything will be okay.”

Phantom really hoped so. He did. He took a seat beside Fenton, reaching for his seat belt at the same time the human reached for his. The ghost’s hand lingered over the lock. He hadn’t done this, hadn’t been in a car since he’d split himself, since he was still trying to pretend that he was a normal human. He buckled the seatbelt. Now he was a ghost and he was sitting in the back of the GAV and Mom was the one lost in the Ghost Zone. Suddenly, he wanted to zip right out of this car, through the roof and go home. He needed to find Mom, even if...even if-.

He shivered, a thousand possibilities tumbling around in his head. He’d managed to push it away for a time but what Mom had said to him before he ran off still tore at his heart. The anger had leaked out of him but he was still hurt and scared and confused. And now he was shook up after hearing that message. Mom cussed. She cussed. And she was panicking and scared and said she’d screwed up, that she’d had to fix this. She was determined to bring him home. Was she...maybe she was sorry? Maybe she...she got it now. And...he wanted to hope. He wanted to hope so bad but it hurt and he didn’t know what to do or think or-

Fenton leaned into him, interrupting his thought. There was a brief flash of worry and then...the human was taking deep, purposeful breaths, trying to calm down. Phantom needed to calm down too. He couldn’t panic, couldn’t worry about all this right now. Instead he leaned back into Fenton’s side and tried to relax. Passively, the two clasped hands.

“Danny?” Jazz’s voice interrupted, her eyes focusing on Phantom, who looked up in acknowledgement. “I’m happy you’re safe.” She bit her lip and the ghost boy knew she was nervous like he was. “It’s going to be okay.” The girl could have been saying that for his benefit or for her own.

In response, Dad’s gaze flickered towards his daughter and then at the two boy’s through the rearview mirror. His eyes rounded, worriedly but lovingly, before he focused back on the road as they turned a corner.

The vehicle flew down the road while the passengers sat in silence. For once, Dad’s fast driving was the least distressing thing on Phantom’s mind. And it was fitting, that the man was in such a hurry to get home and figure out what to do. But the ghost had already made up his mind.

After what somehow felt like the blink of an eye and hours at the same time, the vehicle pulled into the driveway and slammed to a stop. All the passengers unbuckled. In a breath, Phantom turned invisible. 

Dad looked back, eyes widening. Jazz gasped in worry. “Danny!”

The boy huffed. “I’m still right here. I’m gonna stay invisible until we get in the house. I don’t exactly want the neighbors to see me.”

His sister sighed. “Alright.”

“Come on kids.” Dad said visibly relaxing. 

Phantom exited the GAV, following his human self. He shivered in the air. Now that he was here, at the house, it was taking all his self control to not dart forward in front of his family and fly down to the lab, through the portal, and-

Fenton found his wrist without effort and led him to the front door without a word. Dad unlocked it and the kids followed him into the house. Once they’d passed the threshold, Phantom had had enough. With the door closed, he returned to visibility and raced across the living room, kitchen, and down the basement stairs. He stopped at the bottom, eyes falling on the still open portal. 

Behind him, the sound of footsteps pounded. His sister’s and father’s worried voices rang out. But the ghost didn’t listen, too focused on the portal and the soft song emanating from it. A sound which he knew the purpose of and wasn’t as scared of anymore.

Fenton jogged through the door and hopped down the stairs with the rest of the family at his heels. The human stopped abruptly, coming to stand beside his ghost who then turned to face his father and sister.

“I need to go after her.” Phantom said quietly but with determination.

Jazz’s expression shifted, turning serious. “You can’t do that.”

“Jazz.” He started, testedly. “I need to help Mom. She’s only...she’s only there because of me and anything could be happening to her and-”

“Your Mom can handle herself.” Dad cut in, equally serious. “I don’t want you putting yourself in danger too.”

The human Danny frowned. “She went off without a plan. No supplies. No idea what she’d face. She’s probably lost.”

His sister argued. “And getting yourself lost wouldn’t help her!”

“I won’t get lost.” The ghost straightened, confidently. “Look. Mom’s not coming back on her own until she finds me. I’ve actually been in the Ghost Zone before. And I can fly. I can get us out of trouble if something happens and get both of us back in no time.”

Dad took a breath considering. “I understand that son. But...none of that will help you if you manage to get lost yourself. You don’t know how far away your mom is. And what if you do find her but get lost on the way back?”

“Mom couldn’t have gotten that far.“ Fenton insisted, holding up his arms. “And Phantom literally can’t get lost.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jazz rose a brow in challenge.

“I literally can’t get lost in the Ghost Zone.” The ghost deadpanned. He grabbed onto Fenton’s arm. “If other me stays here, I’ll always have a beacon to lead me back.”

Dad and Jazz’s brows both furrowed in confusion. “Really?” Dad frowned.

“That’s how he got back to the school earlier.” Fenton supplied. “We’re connected because ya know, same person. He followed that line back to me.”

Dad tilted his head. “You could use that to find your way back after you find your mom?”

Phantom nodded. “And Fenton can keep you guys updated. I can show or tell him what’s happening.”

Dad still looked confused, like he wanted to ask more but after a long moment, acceptance crossed his face. He conceded. “Alright. Go find your mom.” The ghost boy floated higher off the floor and turned to face to portal.

“Hold on a second.” Jazz interrupted. She stepped forward and hugged Phantom. “Be careful little brother.”

“Yeah. Of course.” Ghost Danny returned the hug before pulling away.

A second later, Dad was wrapping him up in a bear hug. “I love you and...I’m sorry.” 

“I...it’s okay. I love you too.” He whispered, returning the hug. His core pulsed nervously. The memory of his conversation with Dad last night flashed through his mind. He might have understood what Dad was apologizing for. For how Mom acted, for not being there for that conversation. But either way- “It’s not your fault.”

Dad didn’t reply to the statement, squeezing his son a little tighter. “Hurry back but be safe Danny-boy.”

Phantom pulled away from his father and finally, his eyes fell on the one person left to address. He grabbed Fenton’s hand and squeezed. “I'll be back soon.”

The human put his other arm around him, pulling him into a hug. “I know. Go find her. And…” He bit his lip and the ghost could feel his worry at the idea of facing Mom again. “It’ll be okay...we’ll be okay.”

The ghost squeezed back. “Yeah. We will.” He pulled away before flying towards the portal. With one last look back, he dove through for the second time that day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ghost Zone (World of the Dead? Infinite Realms?) was the same as the last time he’d entered. Swirling green, floating rocks, purple doors in the distance. But this time, he was more aware of his immediate surroundings. He paused, right outside of the portal to take in the environment. The portal’s frame was sitting on a shelf of rock. The shelf dropped off about ten feet in front of him. To either side, it dropped off after about twenty feet. He turned back around, facing the swirling green light. There was the portal but...what if he walked behind it?

There was in fact something behind it. The frame of the portal closed off in the back, forming a wall of  sleek metal that reminded him of the lab at home. Phantom turned away from the frame, his back facing it. He frowned, spotting the edge of the rock again. It went all the way around, like the portal sat in the middle of an island or...he quickly floated over to the edge. The rock continued downward, like he was on the top of a mountain or a cliff.

He felt the shadow of his heart skip a beat. If Mom wasn’t up here, then had she fallen? His eyes desperately searched over the landscape for a scrap of blue, the color of his mom’s jumpsuit.

“Mom!” He called out. “Where are you?”

There was no reply, her form not in sight. Frantically, Phantom turned to the side. Still nothing. He flew to the front of the portal. “Mom!”

He then looked down, gasping. There was a tiny spot of blue, standing out in clear contrast to the green and brown landscape. It must have been hundreds of feet down, at the base of the structure. The boy started shaking, panic overtaking him. She’d...she’d fallen, hadn’t she? Was she hurt or...or….

His eyes then widened noticing something. The small dot of blue was moving. No, not just moving. But moving quickly as if the figure was running or jogging along a narrow strip of rock, away from him. Stepping off the ledge, the ghost started descending. 

“Mom!” He tried again, to no response. Obviously, she couldn’t hear him.

Phantom dove faster, keeping his eyes pinned on the blue figure as it continued down the twisting path. The road, since that’s what it resembled, twisted back, forming stairs and sloping down under itself.  Then it met another, darker colored strip, forming something like a crossroads.

The ghost boy flew closer as the figure jogged down the stairs. Then he paused, flinched at what sounded like a motorcycle engine. Reflexively, he flickered invisible. He glanced down the darker path at the crossroads. Something metal glinted in the dim light as the noise approached. Seconds later, the object materialized in the crossroads. It was in fact a motorcycle and...two glowing figures sat on the bike. The blue figure froze.

Phantom paled, his speed increasing. Seconds later, he landed above the crossroads at a raised part of the road. His back faced the stairs that the blue figure had just run down. His eyes widened as he recognized the scene.

In the crossroads, two ghosts, both of whom were in their early twenties, sat on a motorcycle. The man had greasy looking blonde hair and was wearing a biker jacket. Behind him sat a woman with green hair, in a red jacket and mini skirt.

“What is that?” The woman asked.

“Kitty, I think...that’s a human.” The other glowing figure’s voice rose in harsh disbelief. “What is a human doing here?”

The girl scowled, judgmentally. “And what are they wearing?”

The blue clad figure slowly approached, holding something long and metallic to their side. “I’m not looking for any trouble.” A familiar voice rang out, slightly desperate. “Please. I’m just trying to find my son.” 

Phantom gasped, his core pulsing excitedly. That was his Mom’s voice. Mom! Mom was in front of him. She was okay. She was alive and walking around and….She was...being pinned by two unfamiliar ghosts.

The ghost boy stiffened at the sudden realization. He sprung into action, calling out. “Mom!”

The two ghosts looked in his direction, brows furrowing at his exclamation. “What was that?” The girl, Kitty, asked.

Phantom ignored the question, darting in between the ghostly couple and his Mom. He tensed, holding his arms out to shield her. 

“What’s going on?” Mom startled, taking a step back. “What was that?”

The man’s brow furrowed. He blinked, eyes focusing on Phantom. Then he snorted. “Kid? You tryin’ ta mess with this human too?”

“Mess with?” He muttered. Then Phantom frowned, realization hitting him like a brick wall. He was still invisible. With a slight mental push, he reappeared. 

“Danny?” Mom’s disbelieving voice rang out behind him. Then it shifted into something relieved and hopeful. “Danny!”

The boy turned to the side. “Mom.” The same relief was in his voice.

The woman dropped her weapon. She took a step forward until she was close enough to touch. Mom reached out but Phantom was faster. Before he could really think about it, he was clinging to the woman from the side. “Mom! I found you.”

Mom was shaking. Her hand reached up to run fingers through his hair. “Danny. Baby, you’re okay.”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He squeezed her. “And you’re...you’re not hurt or….”

Near the pair, someone snorted. “Mama’s boy.” Then there was yelp. “Ow. What’d you elbow me for?!”

“Give him a break Johnny.” The green haired woman chastised. “He’s what? Twelve?”

Phantom scowled, turning his head towards the other ghosts. “I’m fourteen!”

“Same difference.” The man waved him off.

Ghost Danny stepped away from his mother again. Now that he knew she was really here and uninjuried, he turned his attention back to the other ghosts, though he did cast a worried look behind him.

“So…” The man, Johnny, looked between the two, a curious if slightly up-to-no-good expression on his face. “How did a human end up here?”

“None of your business.” Mom said quickly, seriously.

Johnny raised a brow. “Some ritual to contact your dead son gone wrong?” Phantom and his mother both flinched at the word. “Found a thin spot and you waited for a portal to open.”

“Like she said.” The ghost boy glared. “It’s none of your business.”

The man smirked, opening his mouth to retort but Kitty elbowed him again. “Leave them alone Johnny. Let’s go.”

“Come on kitten. There’s a good story here.”

The young woman crossed her arms. “We’re going to Ember’s party. We’ll be late if you don’t hurry up.”

“Fine. I’m going.” Johnny rolled his eyes. Placing his hands on the handles, he pumped the gas. “See you ‘round kid.” 

The two ghosts speed off, Phantom watching them warily until they disappeared into the distance. Finally, he relaxed, turning around to face the woman. For a moment, he hovered. After the initial hug, he was at a loss for what to do. He’d found Mom and she was physically okay. They should head home-

Mom quickly stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him without hesitation. “Danny baby.” She gently cupped the back of his head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Somehow, with the stress of the confrontation over, she sounded more relieved than before. Her voice broke, sounding watery. “I shouldn’t...I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have said that. But I love you. I love you so much, baby.”

The ghost listened to the words, his eyes tearing up. But he didn’t have it in him to return the hug. He didn’t pull away either. Instead he stood there, torn in two directions. He was happy, so happy that his Mom was safe. And the lack of hesitation, the words. They were exactly what he wanted to hear but…..

“It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s going to be okay, Danny. I love you so much.”

What was with the change in attitude? Well, he did run off to another dimension, after telling Mom that he didn’t think she loved him. And well...oh god he had no idea what to think. This was too much. Too much. He needed to just get them home and-

Mom pulled away, peering at him with tearfilled eyes. She gently cupped his face. “Danny baby. Look at me.” Obediently, he shifted his eyes up, to maintain her gaze. But it was a struggle as tears welled in his eyes and his lip quivered. “I love you.” The woman breathed. “I love this you. I love Fenton….” He averted his gaze from her eyes, an ache piercing his core. “And I love Phantom. I love both parts of you. You’re a part...you’re a part of my son. And I love this part.” Her voice wavered, tears falling down her face. “I shouldn’t...I shouldn’t have made you think that I didn’t, that I wouldn’t love you because you’re a ghost but-”

Suddenly looking down again, Phantom pulled away. Damnit, damnit, damnit! This hurt too much. He couldn’t stay here, couldn’t do this, could’t hear her say those words when...when….

Mom’s expression fell. Slowly, she lowered her hand and didn’t reach for him again. “You’re still upset with me?”

Numbly he nodded. Yes, yes he was. Because they’d done this before. He’d heard her say this before, that she loved all of him and then she’d contradicted it with her actions. And he couldn't...he couldn’t hope again, he couldn’t trust again. It was too good to be true. It was-

“That’s alright.” Mom finally said. “You should be upset with me. I deserve that. But I do...I do lo-”

Another stab at his core. “We should get out of here.” Phantom cut her off. “We can have this conversation later, once we’re back through the portal.”

Somehow, Mom’s expression became even more heartbroken but she didn’t argue. “Come on then.” She started turning back the way she’d come.

“I was going to fly us back.” Phantom said plainly.

The woman turned back around. “Oh of course.” Her frown deepened, studying him. “You’re going to carry me?”

His shoulder’s fell, pouting. “You know that I’m perfectly capable of that.”

“That’s not what I meant, sweetie.” She said gently, taking a step forward. “How do you want to do this?”

Phantom hesitated for a moment. “Here, put one arm around my neck.” The woman did so. “And I’ll grab your legs. Now hold on.” The ghost grabbed her legs, adjusted the woman so he was holding her legs and back with his arms. Both her arms looped around his neck. Slowly, he rose off the ground. “Don’t look down.”

A small forced smile unfurled her lips. “I won’t.”

The boy hummed, looking up at their destination. “How did you get all the way down here anyway?”

“I climbed.” Mom said plainly.

“You climbed?” He rose a brow in disbelief.

“It was the only option.” She muttered. “I had to find you, Danny.” There was no anger, no judgement. Just the determination, the desperation he’s heard from her earlier.

Ghost Danny didn’t reply, looking at the portal again. Well, it turned out, he had found her instead of the other way around.

Mom bit her lip. “It really scared me, when you ran off. But...we’re going home now.” She looked at him earnestly. “Everything will be okay. I’ll...I’ll find a way to make all of this up to you.”

Oh god. He hoped...he hoped he could believe her. He wanted to but...time would tell.

Endnote: Thanks for reading! I'm also going to take some time to pump up my Invisobang story. It's 76K, guys! That's literally the second longest fic I've ever written. Posting day is August 23rd so please check it out when it comes out (For the angst, clones, identity crises, friendship, sibling bonding, and Frostbite being a good mentor/dad.)

[kdramafeminist]

Performative Badassery & Women in Kdramas

When I said I wrote an essay, I meant essay. This is a long one! Grab a snack and venture below the read more. I’ll see you at the end!

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You know the feeling. The drama begins. Our female main lead walks onto screen. She’s a successful businesswoman, a hotshot detective, clever lawyer, smartass retail worker, etc, etc. She stares down a random man to prove she’s the powerful one here. Or kicks some ass. Or rattles off a bunch of demands to her workers. Or talks fast to show off her intelligence.

Then she meets the male lead. There’re fireworks. Slowly we find our female lead has a softer side. Good to know. 3-dimensional and complex characters are important. It’s nice to see women on-screen who are both capable and emotional. Kick ass and feminine. 

But slowly... something starts to go wrong. She seems to be crying more than showing literally any other kind of emotion. And is it just me or is she getting saved and manhandled and flustered quite a lot for a woman who we were told was so well put together? Sure, the circumstances are extreme. But they’re extreme for the male lead too and he seems to be managing just fine for some reason. Also, if both of them are ordinary people with no on-screen fighting experience, how come he’s so great at throwing fists out of nowhere and she’s busy keeping hidden or needing rescuing? Exactly how many times can one person just faint like that without anyone checking to see if she has a medical condition?

By the drama’s end our lead has gone through trials and tribulations. She’s fallen in love too, I’m happy for her. But... now that the story’s ending and she’s getting in one last chance to show us she’s a “badass”, why am I left feeling hollow? She’s showing us how tough she is but... we ALL spent this whole drama watching her have absolutely no agency or such a little amount that she might as well have been trying to put out a fire with a water-pistol. It’s almost like her previous badassery (in whatever form it may have been - I don’t mean badass only in terms of being able to throw a good punch) was just a façade. A way to hook in female viewers like me who want to see something more than a wilting wallflower or one-trick Cinderella. But the tiniest knock and the cardboard house collapses.

And no matter how many times we get throwaway lines about her being “the smartest/toughest/scariest/most capable one here” it doesn’t ring true compared to the actual character we’re watching.

Rom-coms, melos and sagueks especially (but many more genres besides), have a real problem when it comes to performative badassery in their female characters. The writers give us a female lead they claim is hyper competent, but the reality is totally different. Any plot that features romance, almost always features this. Honestly the way the start of the relationship in dramas actively MURDERS the female character’s agency could be its own essay so I won’t go deep, just know the two are 100% linked.

The “Faux Action Girl” Problem 

A Faux Action Girl happens when a writer wants the popularity that comes with having a cool action girl character, or they want the praise that comes with writing a lead that breaks gender norms, or they want to be lauded for writing a FL whose more capable & progressive than the female kdrama lead we’d imagine, but they don’t end up actually giving us her. Instead we get the fake or faux version. The reasons are usually a combination of:

Relying on outdated tropes. Wrist grabs, damsels in distress, a girl fainting so she misses some vital plot related moment to increase runtime etc...

Sexist worldviews. As a by-product of being Korean which is still a heavily sexist country because of the holdover of Confucianism mixed in with the Christianity westerners brought over that leads many writers to (often without even realising) inserting moments that inadvertently reduce their female leads because they think that’s what correct or natural for the female character based on their opinion of women in general. Even if it doesn’t actually fit the type of character they’ve set out to create.

Executive meddling. Producers who think their demographic wouldn’t be able to handle a real badass but also know their female viewers want more complexity and agency in their FLs these days and so give us the paper-version instead of the 3D model.

This character’s more “badass” traits are nearly always just an Informed Ability (the writers tell us via other characters what she can do but never actually show us on-screen these same things) or we only ever see her utilise them once/twice at the beginning and maybe if we’re lucky once at the end, but never again. 

It really hurts.

The “Badass Decay/Chickification” Problem

Sometimes she really is a legitimate action girl though. She’ll be a cop whose good at her job or an ordinary citizen whose well-versed in taekwondo. She has actual moments on-screen to prove herself. 

Well. She has moments in episodes 1 and 2. Then she almost always goes through Badass Decay/Chickification. Which means that writers (& producers) believe that if we don’t see her having a softer side, she’ll become unrealistic or unlikeable. 

They fix her. So she becomes more vulnerable. As the only girl on the team (usually), she becomes the one who ends up injured more often or needs rescuing most. Her life begins to revolve entirely around her romance and nothing else. (Meanwhile the male leads gets to have the romance and keep his side-quest - have you noticed that? If the FL is really lucky she gets to keep one side-quest too, maybe a dream job or solving some family mystery. Never more though.. only men get to be complicated here). Once she was competent... now it feels like she legitimately had a personality transplant. 

Is this even the same person we began with?

The “Worf Effect” Problem 

Worf Effect is when the danger/power level of a villain is shown to the audience by making him successfully attack/hurt/ruin the plans of someone that the audience knows is skilled. This isn’t a bad thing alone and writers use it all the time. We need to acknowledge the villain as a proper threat and this is a useful way to do it!

But in kdramas it’s something used almost always against the lead female character. The one we’ve seen is intelligent, or strong-willed or quick-witted. 

And because it’s always her, this character begins to look weak. If this writing trope is abused, her reputation as the "biggest, toughest" etc. begins to look like it never existed and we’re back to her having an informed ability. 

That this is something that happens to the female characters not only more often but almost exclusively is a sign of sexism. Plain and simple.

Competent, Real Badass Female Characters Aren’t Scary

 If you’re going to sell me a capable woman, give me her. 

Not someone who has one very unique, specialised skill but otherwise can do nothing else except for that one time when her one skill is useful. 

Or has built up her own empire, implying a certain level of smarts, business ability or networking skills, but then once she’s removed from it she becomes so utterly useless it begs the question how she built that empire in the first place. 

Or has a rep as the detective whose taken down the toughest guys off-screen, but whatever skills she used to do that seem to disappear the moment anything really challenging happens on-screen. 

I’m not saying she needs to win all the time. Of course she doesn’t, how boring is that? All I’m asking is that when she loses, it’s in keeping with the character I’m supposedly watching. A woman that can kick ass can still be outwitted. A clever woman can be physically beaten. A street-smart girl can be foiled by rules and regulations. A leader-type can be beat by someone whose more unconventional.

It’s not difficult to write someone like this. I know the writers can do it because every male lead is written this way. I’ve never once, whilst watching a badass male lead lose, get beaten and cry, thought “oh no, his badassery was fake all along!”

Because when he loses it makes sense. It’s in character. There’s a solid plot reason behind why it happens.

Meanwhile my ladies who are meant to be able to kick ass and take names somehow just got kidnapped out of nowhere?

Make it make sense!

Consistent Characterisation is Good Writing

I get wanting moments where one is injured and the other fusses over them. I love those moments! All I ask is more imagination taken to get us to that point. Make it in-character. If my taekwondo black belt is kidnapped, I want to see her really fight. I want the kidnapping to be shown as genuinely tough on the people trying to nab her. Imagine how much more satisfying it would be to see her fight off all these bad guys, yet still end up losing? How much more heart-breaking?

We’d be so much more invested in the mind games or politics the villain is playing if the female lead we’ve been told is good at that stuff is playing the game just as hard. When she loses it’ll hurt more.

Writers need to stop being afraid that her remaining capable in some way diminishes the masculinity, attractiveness, prowess or “hero” status of the male lead. Trust me. It doesn’t. Ever. 

It’s not a case of either/or. We don’t think less of the male lead because his partner is as capable as him in whatever way that may be. Instead, we think more of them both. Once a romance begins, the heightened worry both characters have for each other should only make both of them stronger in whatever area they’re skill lies in. Not just make the man a sudden defence wall and the woman a worrying mess. 

I’m sure everyone who reads this can immediately think of at least one drama with a FL who is a Performative Badass. I know I had about ten in mind as I wrote this. 

There are exceptions. Cases where the badass gets to stay a badass. Usually these cases happen in genres without romance because like I said above, those problems are linked. But I can think of a few romcoms/sageuks/melos where it happens too. 

But those are the minority.

Women in kdramas. Give them agency. Make their characterisation genuine, not just a bit-part for the sake of a cool trailer. Not just one moment someone can edit into a “badass multifemale” video edit - only for us to watch the drama from the clip and discover we’ve been sold a lie. 

How satisfied would we be?

Writers! Give us a story we enjoyed because of the excellent characterisation. A new female character we can add to our lists of faves. Women who proved themselves as consistently badass as their first scenes claimed. Women in kdramas who, no matter what problem they faced, don’t become echoes or paper-thin versions of who we were promised.

Actual, complex, layered, enjoyable, KICK-ASS AND BADASS female leads.

Wouldn’t that be a miracle.

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PS. This is an open notice that it’s OKAY to reblog with added commentary/thoughts/rambles of your own. I would *love* to see it if you have anything to add.

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(Disclaimer: This essay was written with a specific female character type in mind. I am not saying every FL needs to be a badass or hyper competent. Soft, shy, physically weak female characters exist and can be just as realistic and complex. There’s a few I can think of who I adore. Instead my essay is very specifically about characters who are *meant* to be badass from the start but then... don’t end up being. So, yeah, before anyone claims I’m some angry feminist who needs every FL to be some tough martial artist or something. Absolutely not! Diversity is amazing and interesting. All I ask is that when I am told I’ll be getting a badass in a drama I get her. Not have my heart broken by the fake wilting flower I find in her place. Ok. End disclaimer. ^^)

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Also I’m tagging a bunch of you because you reblogged my post saying you wanted this so here! TY for making it to the end ^^

@kdramaxoxo​ @islandsofchaos @storytellergirl @vernalagnia-blog @lostindramas @salaamdreamer​ @planb-is-in-effect​ 

[imasimpforshanks]

Hello <3 Can I ask for Angst alphabet with Coby ?~ thanks a lot <3

Angst Alphabet - Coby

a/n: BRUHHHH HIS WAS SO HARD TO DO BC HES SUCH A SWEETIE 😭😭😭😭😭💗 regardless, I hope you like it! x

ALSO - please note reader is a civilian and not a marine (but coby is still a marine). It was just easier for me to write it this way !!

A- Accident (would they blame themselves if you died in an accident?)

Coby wouldn’t exactly blame himself, but he would feel really weak. It would be lots of comments about his own worth and capabilities such as: “I’m still too weak” or I’m never going to be strong enough”. (kind of similar to Zoro in that sense).

B-Break up (How would they break up with you?)

He would try to be as honest and as upfront as possible, but he gets really anxious and just starts stumbling over his words ending every sentence with “ya know?”. In the end, he just uses every cliché in the book because he can’t remember or seem to find the ability to say what he really wanted to.

C-Crying (how would they make you cry?)

This dude is far too much of a sweetheart to ever make you cry. If you were to cry because of him, it’d be because of how much time the two of you have to be away from each other. He hates having to leave you because it’s always a lot of tears on both sides.

D-Death (how would they react to your death?)

He would be devasted. Crying in front of anyone and everyone he doesn’t care. Coby would also become really unmotivated and go through a little bit of an existential crisis like “What’s the point of this anymore?” “what am I even doing?”. Eventually he’d remember how much you believed in him, and how much good he could really do in the world – so, he’d keep going. For you.

E-Emotion (what is one emotion they would try to hide the most and how would they do it?)

Honestly, Coby is someone who is extremely open and expressive. He doesn’t (or maybe it’s more accurate to say he can’t) hide his emotions. That’s just not who he is. He expresses openly whatever emotion it is he is feeling.

F-Fight (do you two ever fight? How big are the fights? What do you fight about? Etc.)

He genuinely tries to avoid fighting with you at all costs. Nothing between the two of you ever escalates that far because Coby manages to talk the two of you out of whatever tension has been built.

G-Guilt (what is the biggest thing they feel guilty about?)

It’s not necessarily guilt, but Coby still feels as though he owes Luffy his life. Because of Luffy, Coby was able to become a marine. It’s because of Luffy that Coby continues to work as hard as he does. Most of what has happened in Coby’s life is all thanks to Luffy and because of that, he feels as though he has a debt he can never repay (even though all of this happened because luffy was just being luffy).

H-Heartbreak (what would cause them pain in the relationship? How would they deal during a break-up?)

Having to be away from you for long periods of time (obviously because he’s a marine) is really painful for the both of you. It can but quite a bit of strain on your relationship as long distance isn’t easy.

During a break-up, his mind would be all over the show. At work, he wouldn’t be able to focus properly which would cause many problems for not only himself, but others around him too.

I-Injured (how would they react if you are badly injured?)

Panic mode: activated. All his focus is shifted to you. He forgets about everything around him and is set on trying to get you help. He doesn’t even try to take down whoever, or whatever, caused your injury. You are his one and only priority in that moment.

J-Jealousy (what do they do if they are jealous?)

The sweetheart would feel so nervous. He’d keep to himself and try to avoid you for a while because he can’t stop thinking about how much better off you would be with literally anyone else.

K-Kill (would they kill for revenge?)

Coby is definitely not the type to kill for revenge. He hates all the killing and death that happens in the world. He’s a person who is all about trying to stop the cycle of hatred. so despite the anger, pain and hurt he would be feeling he would put all of that emotion aside, and settle it a different way.

L-Loss (what is their greatest loss?)

During Marineford when marines (and pirates) were dying left and right, Coby was shocked. It was far too much unnecessary death. Witnessing all that death was an emotional overload, but it did lead to one of the most pivotal moments of his life.

M-Mistake (what is the worst mistake they ever made with you?)

Unfortunately, it was something entirely out of his control. But one time he had to leave for a mission with the Marines in the middle of the night. He couldn’t tell you anything about it or why he was leaving. He just had to up and leave.

N-Nightmares (how often do they have them? What are they about? How do they deal with it?)

Sometimes Coby has nightmares about Marineford. The constant voices and cries of agony form an endless loop in his sleep, gradually getting louder and louder until he screams himself awake. After waking up in a panic he manages to calm his breathing. Then, Coby gives himself a pep talk “that is why you’re working so hard. To become strong enough to be fleet admiral so nothing like that will ever happen again.”

O-Outrage (how and why would they get mad at you?)

As with the fights, I don’t think Coby really gets mad at you. Probably over something minor like you ate the last cookie or something. It’s not anger, he just gets pouty until you say you’ll make it up to him.

P-Past (what has happened in your relationship that changed the way you saw each other?)

Having to do your relationship long distance was a pivotal point for the both of you. For most, it can be a deal breaker and it comes with more negatives than positives. But, for the two of you, it was a wake-up call, and, it was the moment you both realized “I can’t live without you, we will make this work”.

Q-Quality (what is their most dangerous/toxic quality?)

I wouldn’t say this is dangerous or toxic idk (???) but ANWAYSSSSS. Coby lacks certainty in his own decisions. He’s not so bad now, but it used to be a lot worse. He second guesses himself too much, which can be the difference between life and death in a high pressure situation.

R-Rejection (how would they react to you rejecting their confession (or the other way around))

Being rejected by you would definitely impact his self-esteem. It’d bring up a lot of insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. (PLS DON’T REJECT THIS PRECIOUS BOY).

S-Scars (battle or self-inflicted)

Coby does have a scar on his head. It’s not entirely certain when or where he received this scar, but it’s likely to be from his rough training with Garp.

T-Trust (have they ever broken your trust?)

No, Coby has never broken your trust. In fact, your relationship is held up by the unwavering trust the two of you have in one another. It may seem funny to say that, because trust is a vital element of any relationship, but it’s particularly the case for you two. Being a marine means there’s going to be quite a few things he can’t tell you, but you know he can’t tell you and he really appreciates how much you understand that.

U-Urge (how badly do they want to see you after you guys separated?)

He’s had to learn to cope with not seeing you for long periods of time. But, despite all that practice it’s still unbelievably difficult. When he can, he’ll write you letters to keep you informed about his safety. He won’t ask, but he’d really appreciate if you wrote him back.

V-Vicious (what do they do when they lash out on you?)

I genuinely don’t believe he would lash out at you. He just wouldn’t. Maybe, he’s slammed a few doors, but other than that… (sorry I feel like this one is boring af ugh).

W-Weak (what makes them feel weak how do they try to avoid it?)

Coby always felt weak and incapable in his abilities. Sometimes those feelings resurface. But honestly, he trues to avoid this by remembering how and why he is where he is. He thinks of all the people who have helped him along the way (Luffy, Garp etc.) and it motivates him to push forward.

X-X-ray (what do they hate and show it most obviously?)

He hates needless violence. He understands in some situations violence is necessary, but, then there are some situations (like the end of marineford) where lives are being lost for no reason whatsoever.

Y-Yearn (what is one thing that they want but can’t have?)

He wants nothing more than to openly be BFF’s with Luffy. Given the two different worlds they live in, it’s just never going to happen, despite Luffy being a genuinely good person. (I KNOW THIS IS MEAN TO BE ANGSTY BUT I COULDN’T HELP IT LMFAO)

Z-Zero (what do they do/say in your dying moments?)

Oh boy. There would be endless amounts of tears. Through sniffles and snot, he’d be trying to thank you for everything you’ve done for him, all the love and support you’ve shown him.

[hangrypa]

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical. 

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this. 

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients? 

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections. 

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability. 

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back. 

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week. 

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the  ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot.  On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency. 

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself. 

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room. 

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.) 

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc. 

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind. 

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending. 

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

[mymoodwriting]

The Choice Is Yours

F!Reader x Vampire!Yuta

Genre: Vampire Dystopia

Warning: Kidnapping, Fear, Running, Betrayal, Blood

Words: 2.2K

Chapters:

One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine | Ten | Eleven | Twelve | Thirteen | Epilogue

Prompt: Good behavior goes a long way when a new world order is established within hours and humans wind up at the bottom of the food chain. As luck would have it you were claimed by a vampire named Yuta, so you’re saved in a sense. Many would say you’re in a rather unique situation, and despite its perks it wasn’t really something you asked for.

“Y/n… wake up.”

    Jinwoo’s voice pulled you from your sleep. The world around was still dark, but sunlight was certainly on the rise. You ate with the others by the fire and helped pack up. You felt much better, and you certainly looked better too. The journey continued, and you noticed how close to the mountains you were now, which meant the harder part was growing closer. Although, despite being better, you couldn’t keep up with everyone’s usual pacce, so you were at the back of the group. At least you weren’t alone.

“Are you sure I can’t convince you to get on my back?”

“I can walk on my own. I’ve been freeloading with you all long enough.”

“You couldn’t help that.”

“Perhaps, but thank you, really, I don’t think I can say it enough. It would have been much easier for you all to leave me behind.”

“Then what would be the point of fighting if we’re not going to help each other out.”

“Can I ask… how did you… escape all this? Or were you rescued?”  

“I’m a little embarrassed to say, but I was rescued.”

“How’s that embarrassing? I was rescued.”

“Just cause… you’d think I was strong or something considering I’m a leader in this resistance.”

“You had to learn somehow. What did you do before?”

“I wound up working as labor, on a farm. It was a small one, so easier to attack. In a way I got lucky too.”

“Do you really think… can we win?”

“I think anything’s possible, but we need to know our enemy.”

“You seem to know that fire works.”

“Fire can kill anything, but if we knew more about their weakness, then perhaps it’d be easier to fight.”

“There might be a way to learn.”

“What do you mean?”

“The house I was in, there’s these books, written by vampires, that talk about all kinds of things. They have books on humans, but also on vampires, surely those could tell us about their weaknesses.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s a little difficult to read but I can understand a good amount.”

“I guess we have our next target. You know the house right?”

“Yeah. Human servants, and honestly not the many halfbreeds, and the only vampire around is the owner of the house. The only other problem might be security. There’s an electric fence around the perimeter, it’s pretty high up.”

“Then we go under.”

“Under?”

“The house is surrounded by trees isn’t it?”

“Yeah…”

“Most houses like that have underground tunnels and hidden passageways. We could probably find one.”

“Oh… I never thought about that…”

    Around noon the group stopped to get some rest and eat. You were never one for the great outdoors, but you found yourself enjoying it. Kinda interesting seeing how quiet the world really was. You couldn’t help but wonder if it’s always been this peaceful, or a recent development. Regardless, it was beautiful.

“You good?”

“Hm?” You looked up to see Minhyuk. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“We’ll be moving in a bit, so be ready.”

“Okay, thanks.”

    When you were done eating you started packing your things, looking around for Jinwoo. You were ready to get back to it, but then you started feeling dizzy. You thought maybe you got up too fast, but leaning against a tree didn’t help. The dizziness suddenly changed and you screamed, falling to your knees. Your head was on fire, your vision blurring, others had gathered around you but you couldn’t make anyone out. The pain became too much, and you fell into darkness.

♥♥♥♥♥

    Yuta took in a soft breath as he came to, groggily taking in his surroundings. He recognized the room, knowing he was back at Taeyong’s house. He wasn’t alone though, Xiaojun was occupying a bed next to him, and YangYang was on his phone in the other.

“What happened?”

YangYang looked over. “You’re awake, how do you feel?”

“Sore… you?”

“I’m okay, just on bed rest, you are too.”

“Figured. Where’s y/n?”

“About that…”

“Where is she?!”

“Gone.”

“What do you mean gone?!”

“She wasn’t in the limo.” Taeyong said as he entered with others in tow. “You should be thanking YangYang, not yelling at him.”

“What happened!”

“What do you remember?”

“Um… the limo… it crashed…”

“It got blown off the road. We heard the explosion and rushed over. Since YangYang wasn’t wasted, he managed to get out and then get you two before the limo went up in flames.”

“But… how?”

“Humans.” YangYang added. “They attacked us. When I regained consciousness I could see them pouring gasoline all over the limo, and I noticed they had gotten y/n out. They took her.”

“Yuat…” Sicheng began. “She’s most likely dead.”

“No… no she-”

“She’s human and she was in the accident with you. I can’t even imagine the kind of injuries she sustained.”

“But-”

“Those who took her, I doubt they have the means to heal her. I’m sorry but-”

“We don’t know that!”

    Yuta couldn’t accept that, not when guilt was eating him alive. He hadn’t completely lost consciousness in the crash, he couldn’t really move, but he could hear you crying out for him. Despite the pain, and everything that’s happened, you still called for him, and he couldn’t do anything for you. 

“She’s alive… she has to be…”

“It’s very unlikely.” Johnny said. “Yuta-”

“She’s alive! I can prove it!”

“Huh?”

“There’s a tracker on her, I activated it when I took off her collar. I was gonna take it off when we got back home, but never had the chance.”

“That doesn’t… if anything, we can find the body.”

“No, she’s alive.”

“Yuta-”

“Here.” Taeyong handed over his phone. “Let’s see what happens.”

    Vampires certainly had a lot of sophisticated technology, well beyond human standards, that they kept to themselves. Trackers were common as part of the collars most humans wore nowadays, and through an application they could look up anyone, since the collars would identify the human and attach that information to the signal. All one had to do was look up the name or use the ID number.

    Of course, removing the collar would deactivate the tracking function, unless the option to physically insert the tracker in the human was made. That’s what Yuta did, seeing that the collar was troublesome for you, but also wanting to make sure he could still find you if something happened. He wasn’t happy about being right over that, but grateful nonetheless he had made the choice. It took a moment, but then he locked onto your signal, showing the others.

“See, she’s alive.”

“That location is for somewhere out in the woods.” Sicheng said. “That could just be her body.”

“It’s not! Look, I’ll activate the secondary function and get vitals.”

“Yuta-”

    Yuta didn’t listen of course, just needing to know you were okay. Even if one wanted, the collars could also adjust, usually tighten a bit, to get information on the human’s vitals, like heart rate and stuff like that. The small tracker chip could do that as well, although Yuta didn’t think of the consequences in that situation, such as the fact the chip itself had to further attach itself to the human in order to get vital readings, and that could be painful. It was a small price to pay, and if you were dead, it wouldn’t matter anyway. When the vitals finally came around, Yuta could feel himself relaxing in relief.

“She’s alive… vitals are steady… she’s okay…”

“How is that possible.” Johnny took the phone. “She was in a car accident.”

“It doesn’t matter, we have to go get her.” Yuta got up. “Now.”

“Hold on.” Sicheng held him back. “You still need to rest and recover.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“Let go.”

“Yuta, please.”

“Alright calm down.” Taeyong interrupted. “I’ll have my scouts retrieve them while you rest, is that fine with you, Yuta?”

“You’ll get her back?”

“Of course. If she’s fine, and we have her location, I don’t see why not. Besides, she’s with a resistance group, perhaps she can be useful in capturing some rough humans. You have to stay though.”

“But-”

“Xiaojun hasn’t even woken up yet and you’re worried about a human!” YangYang hissed. “What’s wrong with you.”

“He hasn’t…” Yuta looked over at Xiaojun. “He’s okay, right?”

“His injuries were a bit more severe.” Johnny explained. “He’ll recover, it’s just gonna take a while. It’s not unusual that he hasn’t woken up yet, but he’s healing, so that’s good.”

“Has he eaten?”

“Given that you’re outta commission for the time being, Taeyong provided, and he ate, so he’ll be alright.”

“I’ll be off then.” Taeyong took back his phone. “You stay in bed, or I swear.”

“I’ll stay…”

“Good.”

♥♥♥♥♥

“Y/n…”

    You slowly came too, your eyes adjusting to the sky, and then to Jinwoo. He was next to you, examining your injuries, relieved to see you were waking up.

“Are you okay?”

“I… I think so…” You slowly sat up. “What happened?”

“You started screaming and then passed out.”

“Am… am I still hurt cause of the accident?”

“You shouldn’t be. Vampire blood can heal all kinds of internal and external injuries. It shouldn’t be brain damage. Do you feel okay?”

“I mean… just a little woozy, but I’m fine… I feel fine.”

“Jinwoo is she-”

    Minhyuk came over, glad to see you were awake, but his eyes were drawn to something else. He approached and looked at your neck.

“What’s that…”

“Huh?” Jinwoo pulled you close, seeing a light red flashing under your skin. “Shit…”

“What… what is it?”

“Y/n… you have a tracker on you.”

“A what? No, no that’s not possible! I don’t have a collar! I-”

“Breathe, just breathe okay, we’ll figure this out.”

“No…”

“We can-”

“You have to go…” You wiped away the tears on your face. “You all need to go, now.”

“We’re not just gonna-”

“You have to! They’ll find me, but… but they can’t find you. Please, you need to leave me behind…”

“Y/n-”

‘“I can’t put the rest of you in danger! I won’t… please…”

“Fuck.” Jinwoo took a moment. “Tell the others we’re compromised, we need to cover our tracks and move quickly. Go!”

“I’m sorry…”

“Sh, you didn’t know…”

    You knew your little sense of freedom was gone, and you didn’t know how to take that. Whatever you had, you gave back to the group, you didn’t want to have anything they could track down. Despite your wishes Jinwoo stayed with you for quite a while. You didn’t pay much attention to him though, just trying to enjoy the outdoors. Eventually you noticed Jinwoo with a bag and he was setting down some kinda wire.

“What… what is that?”

“Fireworks.”

“Fireworks… how do you… why?”

“Vampires… and halfbreeds, they have heightened senses, fireworks are loud to us, imagine how bad it is for them. When they go off, it’ll disorient the bloodsuckers, making it easier to get away.”

“Smart…”

“Y/n, we can try to-”

“It’s in my neck Jinwoo… it’s too dangerous to try…”

“I’m sorry…”

“I wouldn’t be alive if not for you, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

“You wouldn’t have been in danger if not for us.”

“I think saving me makes up for it.”

“So we’re even.”

“Pretty much.”

“Still… I’m sorry.”

“You should go… I won’t say anything, not like I knew much of anything to begin with.”

“I don’t wanna sound awful or anything, but… do what you have to do to survive, no one will fault you for that. Here.” Jinwoo handed you a trigger. “When you see the bastards, activate the fireworks, it’ll be kinda fun to see them squirm.”

“Thanks. Be safe.”

“You too.”

    Jinwoo headed off, looking back one last time, before disappearing. When you felt he was really gone, you let the tears flow properly. The peaceful outdoors suddenly became very scary as loneliness settled in. Hours passed, you grew hungry, but you stayed in the shade of a tree, waiting for the inevitable. The first sign of trouble was when you heard a ruffling in a bush somewhere nearby. You jumped to your feet, finger on the trigger, just ready. The last thing you would do is help Jinwoo and the others, that you were sure of.

    Just as you feared, a halfbreed came into view and you set off the fireworks. No one got too close to you, everyone else falling to the ground in agony. Despite it all, you were terrified, and you couldn’t but want to run, so you did. It was stupid, there was no escaped, but in the moment you just wanted to pretend, as if getting away was actually possible. It wasn’t until the fireworks settled that one of the halfbreeds tackled you to the ground, pinning you down. You were certain something was broken because of the pain you felt, and you couldn’t even begin to imagine the bruises you’d get.

“Sorry about that, but you did run.” You managed to see Taeyong approaching you, squatting down. “Also can’t expect my scouts to go easy on you either, been a while since they’ve hunted down a human.” 

“I guess they had their fun.”

“Hm, I suppose so. Let’s get you back home.”

[btsslowburnfic]

BTBY Chapter 14

Series Summary: For Namjoon, the moment he set his sights on being the #1 rapper, he pushed the symbol to the side and hated it. Love should be chosen, not forced on you. He didn’t believe in fate and this mark on his wrist was a big “fuck you” to all that.

Chapter Summary: Let’s have a throwdown in your hospital room

Previous chapter here 

-----------------------------------------------

You didn’t even realize you had been flirting with Namjoon so you move right along as though nothing had happened. “Ben! Oh my gosh. I was so worried about you. Come here,” you open your arms for a hug and he slowly walks over, pulling you against his side awkwardly.

Namjoon puts his hands on his thighs and stands up, giving Ben a nod of the head. “Well I’ll leave you two to it.”

“No man, you don’t have to go anywhere,” Ben responds, pulling back from you. “I’m sure [y/n] really appreciates having you here. Don’t you?”

Ah, the forced implied question that Ben now wants you to answer. You feel like he's being a little aggressive even though the words he’s saying seem friendly enough. You move along, “Of course. I do. Hey,” you turn back to Ben and shake his arm, “Where were you? We’ve been trying to get a hold of you. Xavier even went to the apartment. I was really worried.” You look up at him.

“Why does Xavier think he can just go to our apartment?” Ben deflects.

You laugh a bit, an awkward sound of disbelief. “Um because I asked him to. I thought you might be hurt or something. You know he and Joe have a key and house-sit for us all the time. Why are you being such a weirdo? Is it because Namjoon’s here?” You gesture over towards the chair side of the room.

Namjoon has been busying himself with looking at the ceiling, looking at his phone, really anything to distract himself from the sheer awkwardness in the room until he hears his name again. “I’m going to go ahead and grab dinner with Tae. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Oh, ok. Bye,” You say as he walks out. Ben just stands there, shaking his leg slightly. “Hey. This is my first time seeing you since I woke up from a coma. Why are you being such a weirdo?”

“Uh I don’t know? Maybe because you apparently found your soulmate in January and didn’t think to say anything to me. Not when you found out. Not when I proposed. Nothing.” He says, his voice tinged with anger.

You look up at him confused, “We agreed we didn’t care. Meeting my soulmate didn’t change how I felt about you so I didn’t think it mattered.”

Ben presses his lips together, “Did you tell Xavier?” He raises his eyebrows, as though he doesn’t already know the answer.

You scoff, “Why do you keep bringing Xavier into this?”

“You always bring Xavier into everything,” he retorts.

“He’s my best friend. I’m not going to justify the conversations I choose to have with him, or the fact that he has a key to our house when you and I both agreed on it last year. You keep making this about other people.” You are starting to become angry. And your head is beginning to throb. 

“You know what. Coming here was a bad idea.” Ben says, backing up to the door.

Your head hurts so bad. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, ok? I just didn’t want it to change anything between us. I love you. I don’t love Namjoon. I barely know him. Why does it matter so much to you?.”

“It just does. You should have told me,” he raises his voice. “I’ve been operating under this assumption that everything was the same for 6 months.”

“Everything is the same!” you yell. You also push the morphine button a bit. This is way too much activity for today. Your heart rate and blood pressure monitors are also beginning to climb.

“It’s not! I can't believe I sat by your bed for 3 days waiting for you to wake up.”

“Oh really? I’m sorry, did you have somewhere else important to be? Sorry me getting fucking run over was such a big inconvenience for you.” You can’t believe you are having this argument. You especially can’t believe you are having this argument while you are in a hospital bed with an IV still attached. You begin to get grey spots in the periphery of your vision.

“How did he know to come here, huh?”

You shake your head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“How did that guy, Namwhatever, know to come to this hospital? Did Xavier tell him?”

“Jesus Christ. It’s all about Xavier again. Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t know how he knew ok? I didn’t ask because it doesn’t matter to me.”

“You’re so fucking selfish. You think you can have me and a soulmate? You think I should keep sacrificing my time for you?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? WE SAID WE DIDN’T CARE. I MEANT IT.” You are beginning to feel your eyes get wet and you can hear the beeps ever increasing on the machines next to you.

Ben gets closer to you, you have never seen him so angry before. “You don’t fucking understand anything...I could have been…” 

“Hey. I think that’s enough Ben.” You hear Namjoon’s deep voice in the room again. “You’re screaming at a girl who just woke up from a coma. She’s clearly in pain. If you want to argue with someone, argue with me.” His voice remains calm and steady even though he feels his hands shaking with anger and hides them behind his back.

You just sit there crying and trying to get your breathing back under control.  Oh God, is there going to be a fight in your hospital room?

Ben turns to face Namjoon, his voice calm and icy. “I’m sorry, did anybody ask you to be here?”

Namjoon looks past Ben and over at you, trying to assess what you want to happen. “No, but I don’t think anyone asked you to come in here and scream at [Y/N] either. She literally just got out of a coma.”

“Fuck you dude. I don’t know you. She doesn’t really know you either. No one asked you to come here.” Ben responds.

“Just stop.” You say from the bed. Your head feels like it’s exploding from the inside out. “Ben I want you to leave.”

“Excuse me?” He turns back around.

“You’re being a dick. Just leave.” You say and it sounds more sad than angry. “I don’t have the energy to fight with you. Just be mad at me. It’s fine. I don’t care anymore.” The morphine is starting to kick in and your eyelids begin to close.

Ben rubs his hand along his jawline, opening and closing his mouth a few times while trying to form thoughts.

“Look, I’m sorry she didn’t tell you.” Namjoon, ever the diplomat, tries to smooth things over.

“Yeah whatever.” He throws his hands up in the air, “she’s all yours dude.” He walks out, purposefully bumping up against Namjoon’s shoulder on the way out. 

Namjoon sighs and walks back over to the chair he’s called home for the past few days. He had been riding down the elevator when he suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and fear. He also started to get a killer fucking headache so he figured he should come back and see if everything was ok. He had tried to respect your guys’ privacy right up until he heard the vitals monitors pace continue to climb. When Ben started to yell at you and call you selfish, Namjoon had had enough. Ben clearly had some shit going on. Your soulmate had only known you for a short period of time, but he knew that was one thing you weren’t.

Namjoon took out his phone.

[NJ]: Well Ben showed up. 

[X]: That’s great, finally. Where was he?

[NJ]: No idea. He wouldn’t say. And not great. He screamed at [Y/N]. Is this normal for them?

[X]...............

[X]: I am going to fucking murder him. I am going to run over him in a car, put it in reverse, and do it again. 

[X]: I’ll be over there in a while, I have two more classes to teach. Rafael should be there soon also. Thanks. I’m so fucking angry.

Namjoon kept scrolling through his phone. A nurse came in to check on you. “How’s she been doing?”

He smiles politely and looks up. “She’s ok. She had to use some of the morphine earlier, she got a little upset.”

“Well that’s understandable. Poor thing’s been through a lot.” The nurse takes down some information and steps back out.

Namjoon texts Tae to confirm their dinner plans and then begins to play a movie on his phone.

About an hour later, Rafael shows up. “Hey.” He says shyly. “I don’t know if we really met last time you were here. I was the sound guy for you guys.”

“Hi there,” Namjoon stands up. “Namjoon. It’s nice to see you again.”

“Rafael,” the two shake hands. 

Namjoon can tell Rafael isn’t much of a talker, unlike your friend Xavier. 

“If it’s ok with you I’m going to take off to go meet my friend for dinner.”

“Of course. Thanks for coming to support [Y/N]. I know it was probably really hard for you to make it here.” Rafael says thoughtfully as Namjoon heads towards the door.

“It was no problem. I’m glad I came,” Namjoon responds. And to his own surprise, he actually means it. NEXT CHAPTER

Tag list: @calling-dips-on-j-hope  @ghostkat23  @cuteipat @marianeamine  @thisisval    @almonte12  @themisunderstoodblackswan​  @bobbyboops​

[letarasstuff]

I like it

A/N: Ok ok, this is like my first Poe Fic (and Star Wars tho) ever, so please don’t be mean to me :c Also, English isn’t my first language

Summary: After having your whole family slaughtered by the First Order, Poe takes you in. Suddenly the base gets attacked by them, when he is not there. How will he react?

Warnings: Language, mentions of death, anxiety, panic attack and bad grammar

father figure!Poe Dameron x Teen!Reader

On your homeplanet there weren't many options to make money. You are either good with mechanics and motors or you look good enough, that the greasy men like you. As one can say, you were lucky.

Your parents owned a workshop. This isn't anything unusual, given the fact there is one at every corner in the bigger cities. But yours was the best. You don't wanna sound cocky, it's just the truth.

So your mother and father taught you the inside of every thing, that has a motor. Before you were even able to form a proper sentence, you could repair any ship on the planet. Still you had a nice childhood, playing with the kids in the neighborhood, going to school and learning new stuff. You are happy to say, that your parents did a damn good job at giving you the best memories a kid can ever have.

But anything good comes to an end, so does this. You were 14 years old, when the First Order came down to your homeplanet. Even though your leaders weren't that nice people, they still refused to be in an alliance with them. Initially they wanted to stay neutral in the war, but as soon as they declined the offer, they tried to get into contact with the Resistance.

Unfortunately, they were too late. When they got their pilots on your ground, nearly everything was burnt down. They swarmed out to look after survivors. Even though they did their best, they couldn't find anyone, who has a beating heart. The sight was heartbreaking. This once living planet was now the aftermath of the First Order's wrath.

The pilots gave up eventually. Nobody agreed to it, but they didn't have many options. The last one to leave the planet was a man, who is known as the golden boy of the Resistance. Poe Dameron. Especially to him it was unacceptable to leave this planet with bare hands. 

So he started a last desperate attempt and looked into one of the most destroyed buildings. He shoved a bit of rubble to the side, when he saw a leg. Hope began to rise inside of him. Quickly he put another rather big piece of rubbish to the side to expose a face. It was a young kid, their eyes are closed.

Poe rushed to their side and checked the wrist for a pulse. The sigh he let out, when he felt a light one, has to be the loudest the galaxy ever witnessed. Happy to be the messenger of good news, the pilot told his squadron about his found. All of them cheered, it was kind of a miracle for them.

Now they have to act fast. Poe picked the kid up and rushed them to his own ship. He knew, that a team of nurses would take too long to get to the both of them. So he put them on a seat and secured them with the belt. He was quick to make his way back to base. He told the ground team about the only survivor and let them prepare a team of doctors and nurses to help the kid.

Luckily the kid made it. Just a few broken ribs, a concussion and a few bruises were what they got as a punishment for their leader's decision.

You are a lucky kid.

You spent a few days unconscious in the medical wing, before you woke up to a steady beeping. To be honest, this noise really got on your nerves. So you opened your eyes to be met by blinding lights. After shutting and re-opening them you got used to it. Then you had the time to take your surroundings in. There were a some machines, that monitor your vitals. Seemed like you were still alive. But why were you here?

Out of all sudden it hit you. The First Order attacked your homeplanet. Your parents, who tried to bring you into safety. Then another missile hit the building and everything goes black. What happened to them? What about all your friends, neighbors? Where were you?

Your breath began to quicken. The beeping got faster. This added to your panic and made you more and more frantic. Your throat tightened as did your chest. Everything seemed to break over you and you don't know what to do.

Then you feel another presence. The person put their hands on your shoulders and spoke in a calm and warm voice:"Hey, hey. Breath, ok? Just take a long breath in, hold it and let it out slowly. Try to feel the way it enters your body and leaves it again. We can get through it, but you have to work with me here, buddy."

You do as the someone told you and mimicked their breathing as they showed you the exercise. Your breathing steadied again as did the beeping. Finally you were able to face them. The person, who talked you through your mini panic attack, has dark brown locks and brown eyes. There were also the shadow of a beard on his jaw.

"Better?", he asked you and gave you a glass of water. After savouring every last drop of it, you answered:"Yes, thank you..?" "Poe, Poe Dameron. The Resistance's best pilot." Well, this is an introduction only he can do.

"Then hello Mr Dameron. I'm (Y/N), the best mechanic my age you can find in the whole galaxy." Actually, you were never the person to be cocky around strangers, but with this Poe guy it felt right at an instance.

"Hello (Y/N), just call me Poe and if you want to address me by my last name, do it right. It's Commander Dameron." "Thank you for this information. Where are my parents though? Why are you here, not them? Also no offence, but it seems pretty weird to wait for  a random teenager to wake up."

The first answer were a sigh. He explained the whole situation to you, even though he didn't want to be the one to bring the bad news. Your only reaction was crying. You felt so many things at once and this was your only way to let it out.

While holding your crying form, Poe promised himself to take care of you from now on. He partly did it, because he felt like it was his fault, that your family was dead. If he was there earlier, he could have saved them. But the other part was you. Even though he only knew you for a few minutes, he felt a connection. Now it's upon him to protect you.

And he does keep his promise until the very day. The both of you share a room, you and BB-8 get super good along, he helps you to make yourself a name as the best mechanic the Resistance has to offer. Hell, he even teaches you how to fly an X-Wing. To say he is impressed by the skill you already have is an understatement. But neither he nor Leia allow you to tag along missions until you old enough. This also counts for training and wearing a blaster.

One time you ask Poe which age this should be. He answers with:”It’s the same age you are allowed to kiss somebody.” It is this moment, when you realize, that you will never be old enough.

It is another rather calm day on the base, which is quite suspicious. The First Order hasn't pulled any stunts recently. Still everybody has something to do, except for the majority of pilots. There aren't many missions for them now, That's why Poe sits next to you, while you repair an astromech. "And then I saved the whole galaxy", ends the older man yet another of his heroic stories. "Again", you add with an eye roll. He nudges your shoulder with his own and exclaimes: "Well, somebody has to do it!" Laughing you tighten another screw and knock gently on the astromech's head.

"Now you are all done, buddy. But be more careful next time while playing with the others tag, ok?", you speak softly to BB-031. Happily she nods and drives off to her pilot. You turn back to Poe. "When do you have to leave?" "Not in another two hours, that means we can grab lunch together. It's just an abandoned outpost with new activities. I don't even think that this has something to do with the First Order", he reassures you. 

You sigh. "I know, but still. So many things can go wrong and I don't wanna be alone again." The both of you walk towards the mess hall. The brown haired man throws an arm around your shoulder. "We are soldiers, as sad as it may sound, it's the truth. We have to keep in our mind that death is always right beside our side. But as long as you are on this base, you will never be alone. Leia is going to take care of you. Always."

You look up to him and smile, a warm and fuzzy feeling bubbling inside of you. The last time you felt like this was with your parents at home.

Before he boards his X-Wing, Poe gives you a last hug and says:"Be good for Leia, ok buddy?" "This sounds like I am four!" "Well, when I think about it, you are like a four year old!", he jokes. With a pout you punch his arm. "Good luck out there and come back in one piece or else I hunt your dead ass down!"

When the Black Squadron left the hangar, you turn back to your own work and get totally engrossed into it. It's just you, your tools and the project infront of you.

That is until a blaring alarm sounds over the speakers. Confused you look up, only to see everyone in the hangar running around like chickens in panic. People throw stuff into bags, others finish their work up hastily and the remaining just run out. And you don't have a kriffing clue what's happening.

You try to stop one of the other mechanics. But to no avail. Nobody wants to explain the situation to you. But then you see the reason for all the commotion:

Outside at the sky are countless TIE-Fighters and it won't take long until the first one reaches the ground. 

You begin to scramble and run, but get pushed into a cart with tools on it. With a loud yelp you land on it and get pocked and cut by wrenches and such. Again, nobody pays attention at you. The own safety is the only present thing at the moment. 

When you hear the TIE touches the ground, you get up as quickly as possible. Even though your legs hurt from the fall, you run like your life depends on it. And it does.

The hangar is deserted. No pilots, no mechanics, no one is there. Expect for you. You can hear the stormtrooper enter the building, while you dash for the gateaway. Their steps are getting closer and closer. It doesn't take long for the enemies to spot you. Sooner as you want, you have to dodge shots from behind. But this isn't your only problem.

As a kind of safety guard the gateaway closes. You run faster than you ever did before. A quick look behind you tells you, that there is a stormtrooper too close for your liking. So you reach into your utility belt and throw the first thing you can grasp at him. Turns out it's one of your favorite wrenches, but it's not the time to mourn the loss. Saving your own life is way more important right now.

When you are close enough at the gate, you throw yourself on the floor and slide under it before is closes completely. But there is no time to catch your breath. You make your way through what feels like the whole base to get to the safety ships.

When you finally reach them, there's only one left. Leia stands at the entrance, looking for someone. As soon as her eyes set on your form, she seems relieved. The General grabs you by your arm and drag you inside the ship. Once you left the base, she pulls you into a hug while scolding you: "Never ever scare me like this again, (Y/N)!"

The Black Squadron is already on the new base. The news of the attack were spread fast to them, so they were quick to react. After your ship's landing the hatch opens. You emerge out of it into a crowd of nervous, scared and clamouring people. But there is one voice shouting, that stands out.

"Where is my kid? Where are they? Has anyone seen my kid? (Y/N)?!" 

It's Poe, who is looking for you. You try to make the direction out from where he shouts. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, you see his dark locks. You push your way over to him and so does he, when he catches a glimpse of you. As soon as he is able to he pulls you in for a hug.

Poe strokes through your hair and makes it a mess, but you can't care less. "I was so scared, that I lost you, kiddo." "I'm fine. I'm fine", you assures him. "I don't care, let us get you to the medical wing, kid." "Ok, Dad."

"Did you just call me Dad?"

"Yes, I did."

"Well, I like that. Love you, kid."

"Love you, too, Dad."

[shellbilee]

Forever & Always

A Chris Evans One Shot

Summary: A fluffy/smutty/angsty fic about the reader and our gorgeous Captain Steve Rogers on their wedding day. See the mood board below for the inspiration. This was written as part of @xxloki81xx ‘s 200 followers celebration which I am submitting incredibly late for!

Warnings: Fluff, Smut, Angst

Words: 8.5K (I officially have a problem with long fics and need to do something about this ASAP)

A/N: Thank you to @xxloki81xx for being so understanding and for being an angel and still letting me submit this as part of the challenge despite it being VERY late. THANK YOU!

–

You stood in front of the floor length mirror, your stomach a mess of excitement and nerves as you looked back at your reflection. Everything was perfect and exactly as you’d always imagined they would be, from your hair to your makeup to your absolutely gorgeous dress. Your hair had been styled in soft, bouncy waves and strategically pinned so that it tumbled down your shoulders. Your face glowed - though you weren’t sure if it was from the makeup or the excitement of it all, your eyes big and bright thanks to the artist’s precise application of the bronze shimmery colours. Then there was the dress. You didn’t have the words to describe how you felt about it, how much you loved it, or how much it was everything you’d ever dreamed of for your day. It was only simple in design - pure white silk and just fitted enough that it skimmed your soft curves, and almost entirely backless with thin, shoestring straps. It had a gentle cowl neck that showed a modest amount of chest and a long, silky train that flowed behind you like a river of the whitest snow. You’d fallen in love with it as soon as you’d seen yourself wearing it in the mirror the day you’d gone dress shopping. It was simple, it was delicate and it was perfect. Perfect for the day that you were to marry the man of your dreams, perfect for the day that you were to become, Mrs Steven Rogers.

The door of the bridal suite suddenly opened and you looked up to see Pepper entering the room, her eyes welling up as soon as she saw you.“Oh Y/N” Pepper breathed, her face softening as she took in the sight of you in front of her, “You look absolutely beautiful”. You met her eye through the mirror and smiled, turning your attention back to your reflection and smoothing the silky ivory material over your hips. “Thank you Pepper. I can’t thank you enough for all of your help with the dress. It’s perfect”. Pepper only smiled and bent to fiddle with the train of your dress, straightening up and putting her hands on both of your shoulders, looking back at you through the mirror. “You’re perfect Y/N. You look absolutely gorgeous. Steve is not going to handle seeing you like this”. You put your hand on top of hers on your shoulder and gave her an affectionate smile, feeling nothing but love as you looked back at the woman who had been a makeshift mother to you throughout everything you’d been through.

“You’re not wrong Pep, the capsicle’s definitely going to cry when he sees her”. You both looked over your shoulder to see Tony standing in the doorway, looking nothing short of handsome in his classic black tuxedo. You laughed and turned to face him, unable to help your smile as Tony stepped forward and looked at you in that proud, loving way that only a father would on his daughter’s wedding day. “You look beautiful kid” he said as he took your hands in his, leaning forward to kiss your cheek and wrapping you in his arms, “I couldn’t be more honoured to walk you down the aisle on your day Y/N”. You smiled and felt your eyes well up when he released you and looked back at you once again, Pepper suddenly scolding Tony with a playful elbow to the arm. “Tony don’t make her cry, it will ruin her makeup”.

You laughed and shook your head at Pepper, tilting your head as you watched them embrace. Even after being together for years, Tony and Pepper still seemed to radiate love every time they looked at each other. You used to feel like you were intruding every time you watched them together, feeling like you were interrupting a special moment between the two of them. It didn’t take you long though, to figure out that this was just the way they always looked at each other - something that had only increased after the whole Thanos event. You smiled and looked back at Tony, gesturing to his arm. “How’s it feeling?”. Tony shrugged and rolled his shoulder, lifting his right arm up so that his metal fingers glinted under the sunshine from the bridal suite window. “Today’s okay. Yesterday not so much. Some days are worse than others but I’m dealing with it. Helps having Bucky around since he’s got some first hand experience with this”. You flashed him a half smile, feeling a pang of guilt stab your stomach.  You’d done everything he could to help him. You’d tried, you’d given it everything you had and it had almost killed you. You just hadn’t gotten there in time.

Tony, noticing your saddened expression, stepped forward to put his hands on your shoulders, forcing you to look at him. “Y/N look at me, we’re not doing this again”. You shook your head pretending you had no idea what he was talking about, though you both knew that he could read you like a book. “Not on today of all days. Not on your wedding day” he whispered, reaching up to brush a hair from your face, “I owe everything I have to you Y/N. Pep and I both do. If you hadn’t of done what you did, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have been around for Pep, for Morgan or for any of this. So stop feeling guilty. The only reason I’m alive is because of you”.

You still remembered every single detail of that moment despite it being months ago, the memory vivid like it had only happened yesterday. You’d jumped and sliced through one of Thanos’ monsters, looking up to see Tony battered, bruised and bleeding as he knelt in front of Thanos himself, his right hand held up in front of him. You remembered Thanos’ face - his expression incredulous, a mixture of pure disbelief and rage, quickly followed by fear as he’d realised that his world ending snap hadn’t worked and he was no longer in possession of the stones.  It was like time had slowed down as you’d watched the coloured gemstones slot into Tony’s gauntlet, his words, stern and forbidding, echoing in your ears even to this day. And I, Am Iron Man. 

And then came the dust. You’d watched with wide eyes as the monsters you’d been fighting, every alien soldier and muscled goon suddenly disappeared into nothingness, looking up just in time to see Thanos himself disintegrate into dust. You’d done it. The Avengers had done it. Tony had done it. Tony. You’d whipped your head back towards Tony, suddenly feeling paralyzed when your eyes had fallen on him, watching as he’d collapsed back against the ground. Your victorious smile had faded. Tony! 

With a strength you didn’t know you had left, you’d leaped up and bounded across the battlefield towards Tony, screaming at a distraught Peter to move. The world moved in slow motion as you’d watched Pepper sob uncontrollably over Tony’s body, the light on his chest flickering weakly and finally giving out. No, no, no. You’d reached him only a second later and put your hands on either side of his bloodied face, feeling the hot energy surge through your veins and out of your fingertips. Tears had run down your face as you’d willed Tony to come back, to hang on, to stay alive somehow, knowing your powers could only work on those that were still alive. The white energy had radiated from your hands and surrounded you and Tony like an ethereal bubble, your heart beat pounding in your ears as you’d given it everything you’d had. You remembered a feeling like you’d never felt before - like a combination of your heart being ripped out of your chest at the sight of your friend, while at the same time all of your energy being sucked away, almost like your soul was fading. You didn’t remember much after that, just crying and clutching Tony while you’d concentrated all of your power onto him, feeling your own body collapse moments later before everything went black.

You’d woken up later in a hospital bed feeling like you’d been hit by a train, drips and drains connected to your arms as you’d weakly opened your eyes. Steve had been the first thing you’d seen, his blue eyes flashing with relief when he’d seen you finally wake. “Bruce!” he’d yelled, his voice muffled in your half conscious state, Bruce appearing over your bed moments later to look you over. “Tony” you’d managed to whisper, not caring about anything but the answer, wincing in pain when you’d tried and failed to sit up in bed. “Steve” you’d asked again, gazing up at the blue eyed love of your life, “Tony, is he?” you’d whispered, pleading with him to answer you. His face had softened and he’d reached out to brush your sweaty hair from your face, bending to kiss your forehead. “You did it sweetheart. You saved him” Steve had whispered, eyes looking down at your adoringly, “Tony is alive”. Your eyes had welled up then, the tears slipping down your face as you’d felt relief flood your body, Steve’s words echoing in your ears. You’d done it, you’d saved Tony. All of a sudden the blackness had overcome you once again and you’d felt yourself slip back into unconsciousness, your name in Steve’s voice the last thing you’d heard. When you finally did wake later, you’d looked over to see a dishevelled, un-groomed Steve sitting beside your bed and looking like he hadn’t slept in a year. You’d reached out for his hand and he’d jumped at your touch, eyes widening with disbelief before he’d stood and bent down to kiss you, pouring every single emotion he’d had into the kiss. When he’d finally finished showing you how scared he been that he was going to lose you, he’d informed you of everything that had happened. After you’d collapsed on the field, F.RI.D.A.Y had spoken and said that Tony’s vitals were active - weak and still in serious danger of failing, though active. Shuri and Bruce had whipped into action, transferring you and Tony’s bodies into the quin-jet and immediately flying you both to Wakanda for medical treatment. 

Steve explained that you’d somehow managed to transfer your ‘life source’ to Tony, a part of your soul, a part of your energy, and in doing so had almost killed yourself. Tony on the other hand had survived because of you, though not without consequence. His heart had been severely damaged as well as his entire right arm - which had to be amputated as a result of the irreparable effects of holding all six stones at once. You’d cried when Steve had told you what you’d done, tears of happiness that Tony was still alive and tears of guilt for the damage that you’d been unable to fix. You’d later discovered that while his heart would always be damaged, Shuri had fashioned a robotic arm for Tony - not dissimilar from Bucky’s, though not without Tony’s input. The sleek metal had been coloured red and gold just like his suit, Morgan gleefully telling everyone that now her dad “really is Iron Man!”. Still, you couldn’t help the feeling of guilt that overcame you every time you looked at Tony, despite his - and Pepper’s, constant reassurance and thank you’s. 

“Now, stop giving me that look and focus on what you’re doing today. It’s your wedding day kid, you’re supposed to be nothing but smiles!”. Your lips parted in a grin at Tony’s words as he gave your hand a reassuring squeeze, all three of you turning as Morgan suddenly came charging into the room, Wanda and Shuri in tow. Morgan looked adorable in her simple white flower girl dress, her hair intricately braided with soft pink flowers woven through her dark locks. Wanda and Shuri looked stunning in the silky, navy blue dresses you’d picked out, your face softening as you looked at your two bridesmaids. “Y/N you look beautiful” Wanda said, stepping forward to wrap you in a vanilla scented hug, “I can’t believe you’re getting married today”. You pulled apart and looked back at your closest friend, sharing a knowing glance before bending and pressing your foreheads together. Wanda had been by your side through everything, right from the very beginning when she and her brother had become enhanced.  You’d been working as a doctor when you’d been captured by Von Strucker, held hostage and forced to work alongside the Hydra leader through his 'enhancing’ experiments. It was there that you’d met Wanda and Peitro, one day interfering in an experiment with the mind stone that had looked and sounded like pure torture. Unable to listen to the twins screams any longer, you’d pushed Von Strucker out of the way and in doing so had bumped the machine, causing it to flip and aim directly at you. The pain had been indescribable when it had hit you, the blue beam of energy feeling like a laser that was searing off your skin as you’d screamed and writhed in pain. You’d been thrown into the cells after that, a shivering, shaking, trembling mess until you’d passed out from the pain. The next morning you’d woken up completely healed as if nothing had ever happened, and over the next month locked in the cell you’d discovered that you yourself had somehow developed enhanced healing powers, the ability to regenerate at a far quicker rate than normal.

It wasn’t until after the events of Ultron in Sokovia when you’d been rescued by the Avengers, that you - with the help of Bruce, had discovered that you also had the ability to heal others. Proving a valuable asset to the Avengers, you’d been trained meticulously by Steve, Clint and Nat until you had combat and weapon skills that matched them all. You were with them through everything after that - after the team had divided over the accords ordeal, after Thanos and the first snap and even when you’d all banded together five years later to reverse what Thanos had done. You’d been destroyed when Wanda had been snapped after the first Thanos encounter, burning a hole in your heart that you’d never thought you’d be able to repair. Fives years later though, that all changed the moment you’d seen her fly through Strange’s portal on the battlefield that day. 

You smiled back at Wanda as she gave your shoulders a reassuring squeeze, telling you once again how beautiful you were and how she knew Steve was going to die the moment he saw you. You turned to Shuri and pulled her in for a hug, grinning when she told you that you looked stunning and how thankful she felt that you’d chosen her as a bridesmaid. You laughed and told her that it was an obvious choice, the two of you having become more than close after you’d spent time healing in Wakanda. “Are you ready aunty Y/N? Uncle Steve is waiting for you!” Morgan suddenly asked, tugging on your dress and looking up at you with a toothy grin. You smiled and bent down to her level, pinching her cheek and winking at her. “I am. Are you? You’re walking first remember?”. Morgan grinned adorably, nodding her head enthusiastically, “I am!”. Pepper and Tony both laughed. “Alright squirt, I think it’s time your mom takes you out there” Tony said as you stood up and grinned down at Morgan, “Go with your mommy okay sweetheart?”. Morgan nodded at her dad as Pepper gave you one final hug, wishing you luck as she picked up Morgan’s basket of flower petals and led her daughter out the door. 

“Is everyone ready to go?” Shuri asked as she peaked her head through the doors of the bridal suite, “All of the guests are seated”. “How are you feeling?” Wanda asked as she handed you your flowers, a giant bouquet of rich pink roses, white lilies and warm coloured tulips tied together with a delicate ivory ribbon. You smiled and let out a soft breath, looking back at your red haired friend. “I’m nervous” you admitted with a gentle laugh, clutching your stomach, “And I don’t know why, I mean it’s Steve. My Steve. I know I have no reason to be nervous”. Tony laughed, “Y/N, I’ve known Pep for years and I was still shaking as I waited at the end of the aisle for her. What you’re feeling is completely normal kid”. You nodded as you turned and looked in the mirror one last time, Shuri coming behind you to pin the veil in your bouncy curls. “Done” she announced proudly, Tony, Wanda and Shuri all smiling and stepping back to admire you, the beautiful, blushing bride. You grinned at the three of them, turning around to face them all and gripping your flowers tightly. “Let’s do this”.

—

Wanda gave you one final wink before she disappeared around the corner, walking down the aisle to a soft, sweet melody that you’d spent hours trying to choose. You sucked in a deep breath and looked down at the ground, closing your eyes and trying your best to ignore the heavy feeling that had suddenly settled in your chest. You knew exactly what it was, a hole that could never be filled, an emptiness that would always be there, a light in your life that would always be dark. Nat. She’d been your best friend through it all, the sister you always wanted but never had, the one who had been by your side through everything. But she was gone. She’d welcomed you like family to the Avengers, spending endless hours training you and pushing you, always having your back when you went into battle, and being there for you from your first date with Steve all the way through to the day he’d proposed. But she was gone. You remembered planning the wedding with her, asking her advice for every detail from the flowers, to the music to the cake. It killed you that she wasn’t here with you today, by your side and waiting for you at the end of the aisle. She was going to be your maid of honour. But she was gone.

You let out a silent breath, Tony suddenly squeezing your arm and breaking you from your thoughts. “I miss her too Y/N” Tony said softly, as if he’d been able to hear your thoughts. You looked up and met his eye, offering him a small smile that never reached your eyes. “I know she’d be watching you today Y/N. She’d be so proud of you. Of how far you’ve come, of everything you’ve done. I know I’ve told you this before, but when we found you in that lab in Sokovia and brought you home, Nat was hellbent on getting you with Steve”. You nodded and smiled nostalgically, “Steve’s told me”. Tony nodded, “They were close, Nat and Steve. Always had each other’s backs. We all did. And I know the world feels a little bit darker without her here, but I promise that she’s here today, somewhere. Looking down on all of us, looking down on you”. You let out a breath and smiled, squeezing Tony’s arm, “Thank you Tony”. Tony smiled, “No worries kid. Now let’s get out there. You’re getting married Y/N. Or should I say Mrs Rogers?”. You grinned and shook your head, clutching your flowers to your chest as you slipped your arm through Tony’s. “Let’s go get me married”.

—

You let out a breath as you heard the opening strains of the soft, acoustic music, gripping Tony’s arm as you took your first step down the immaculately decorated aisle. Your eyes widened as you took in the incredible sight in front of you, from the strings of fairy lights over head to the bunches of flowers that matched your bouquet tied to the end of each of the seat rows. A river snaked around the entirety of the tree dotted garden, a small, flowing water feature bubbling softly in the back left hand corner of the area. The afternoon sun shone low in the sky, casting a warm, romantic glow over everything, the aisle littered with white and soft pink petals - no doubt a result of Morgan throwing them when she’d walked earlier. You smiled to yourself and squeezed Tony’s arm as a silent thank you - he and Pepper had spared no expense with the location, having the beautifully sculpted garden created specifically for you and Steve’s wedding. It was perfect. Your eyes ran over the sea of guests on either side of the aisle, their eyes focused on you as you made you way down the walkway. You could hear murmurs rippling throughout the crowd around you, your eyes running over you and Steve’s friends, your fellow Avengers, your family, as you approached your husband to be. Time seemed to slow down as you ran your gaze through the sea of familiar faces - Thor and Jane, Okoye and T'Challa, Peter Parker and his new girlfriend Mary-Jane, Scott, Hope and his daughter Cassie. You smiled when you saw Carol nestled among the crowd, Peter Quill, Rocket, Groot and the rest of the guardians seated behind her. Clint winked at you when you found him seated with his family near the front, feeling your heart swell with love when you saw him mouth the words “you look beautiful” as you passed. 

You looked up and saw Shuri and Wanda looking gorgeous as they stood at the end of the aisle, casting your gaze over to see Sam and Bucky standing opposite and looking every bit the handsome groomsmen in their classic black tuxedos. You smiled at the both of them, your grin growing even bigger when Sam winked playfully at you, Bucky nodding his head softly in the way that only Bucky did. You could never be more thankful for the two of them, Bucky especially, with how much they’d helped and been by your side through it all, unable to describe the way you felt about them other than that they were the brothers that you never had. Your eyes then met Bruce’s, smiling at him as he stood between the bridesmaids and groomsmen, his expression soft and adoring as he watched you approach. Bruce. You and Steve had asked him to be your celebrant, the two of you unable to think of a better person to officiate your marriage, even if he was Hulk size. He’d said yes almost instantly, eyes welling up with pride as he’d told you both how honoured he’d be.

Finally, finally, you turned your head and your eyes came to rest on the one face you’d been waiting the entire day to see, your heart racing and your insides melting when you saw his beautiful blue eyes wet with tears. Steve. He was crying as he watched you walk towards him, his hand covering his mouth as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, as if you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid his eyes on. The look on his face made your heart flutter in your chest, all of a sudden feeling like you were the most beautiful woman in the world. Steve had often had that effect on you - there’d been so many times that you’d just looked up to find him staring at you, his eyes watching you adoringly with the smallest of smiles on his lips. 

The first time he’d seen you naked he’d looked at you like that, his eyes running up and down your soft curves, drinking you in and looking at you like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. The first time you’d said I love you, he’d looked back at with that same soft gaze and you’d felt like you’d actually been able to see the love in his beautiful, ocean blue eyes, warm and heavy and forever ongoing. Then there was the time that he’d proposed, the way he’d looked up at you from where he was kneeling on the floor after you’d uttered a soft, teary yes to his question. His entire face had softened - a combination of relief and pure, utter adoration, moments before he’d stood and cupped your face and kissed you, pouring every single emotion he had into this kiss.

Steve, your Steve. Your heart swelled in your chest and you gripped Tony’s hand even tighter as you looked back at Steve, your gaze locked on one another and refusing to move. He looked so incredibly handsome - his face clean shaven and smooth, his blonde hair slicked back, his classic black tuxedo doing nothing to hide the mountain of muscles underneath. You felt your knees go weak and for a moment you felt as if you might fall, looking back at Steve and wondering how the hell you managed to get so lucky to be the woman about to become Mrs Rogers. 

You finally reached Steve, your eyes still glued to his, Tony leaning in to kiss your cheek and whispering the words “I’m so proud of you kid”, before giving you one last reassuring squeeze. He released you and turned to Steve, the two shaking hands and sharing a knowing look that you couldn’t even begin to fathom the depth of meaning behind, Tony smiling at the two of you before stepping back to take his seat with Pepper and Morgan. “Hi” you whispered when Steve took your hands in his, his eyes running up and down your body and once again making you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. “I can’t—, I mean–” Steve stuttered, shaking his head at a loss for words as he looked at you, “You look so beautiful Y/N. So so beautiful”. You felt your cheeks heat from his words - even after all this time together, he could still make you blush like a school girl. Steve. “You don’t look so bad yourself Captain” you whispered as the celebrant started to speak, Steve grinning back at you and making your heart flutter in the way that only Steve could. You could barely hear Bruce as he spoke to the crowd of wedding guests, his words a dull murmur in your ears as you and Steve looked back at each other. It was like you were both in your own little bubble, almost completely oblivious to everything around you, eyes only for one another. Steve. Your Steve. You couldn’t quite believe this was finally happening. This gorgeous man, this incredibly kind, loyal, passionate super soldier, was about to become yours, two souls becoming one, forever intertwined. Steve. 

—

“Steven and Y/N have written their own vows that they will now read out loud. Steve, you may go first”. Steve cleared his throat and you gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, looking back at your beautiful blue eyed husband to be as he took the microphone from Bruce and cleared his throat, meeting your eyes once again. “Y/N. I can’t even begin to describe the way I feel whenever I look at you, the way you make me feel whenever I am with you. You have shown me things I never thought I’d know or see, and it is because of you that I am the man that I am today. I love you because you are strong and kind and compassionate, because you love and protect your family and friends as fiercely as I do mine. Because of you I laugh, I smile and I dare to dream more than I ever have. Thank you for the miracle of you. You are, and always will be, the love of my life, my soulmate and my person. I vow to listen and learn from you, to laugh and to cry with you, to be there for you whenever or however you may need. I vow to protect you with every ounce of my being and promise to love and cherish you unconditionally. These things I give to you today, and all the days of our lives. From this moment on, my heart is, and always will be, yours”. You felt a tear slip down your cheek as you looked back at Steve, your heart thumping in your chest. Steve, your Steve. Never before had you felt like this, so full of love and adoration for the man in front of you. How could you ever top what he’d just said? 

“Y/N, you may now read your vows to Steve”. You sucked in a silent breath as Bruce handed you the microphone, Steve returning your reassuring squeeze and running his thumb over the top of your hand in the calming way that he always did. You closed your eyes for a brief moment and opened them to meet Steve’s again, gripping the microphone and exhaling softly. Steve. “Steve. My love, my partner, my prince, my Captain. I didn’t fall in love with you, I walked into love with you, choosing to take every step along the way. I believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe that we only destined to do the things we choose. And I’d choose you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality. I’d find you, and I’d choose you. Steve, I promise to love you without condition, to honour you each and every day, to laugh with you when you’re happy and to support you when you’re sad. I vow to always be your best friend and biggest fan, to be there for you however you may need me. On this day, I give you my heart, my promise that I will walk with you, hand in hand, wherever the journey leads us. Living, loving, learning. Together, forever, and always”.

Bruce’s words were a blur after that, you couldn’t concentrate on anything but Steve. There was a warmth that seemed to be flooding throughout your entire body, pumping and coursing through your veins as you and Steve looked at each other. You gripped Steve’s hands, wanting nothing more than to wrap your arms around him and kiss him, all of a sudden wishing that the two of you were alone without the rest of the world around you. Steve. Your Captain, the love of your life, the man who had made you feel a love like you never dreamed possible, the man who had made you believe in a love that you never thought true. He was going to be yours and you were going to be his. Two hearts becoming one. 

Bruce then asked Bucky to step forward with the rings, you and Steve slipping the rings on one another’s fingers and holding hands once more for the final speech. Bruce smiled down at you both, clearing his throat before he spoke. “Steven and Y/N, I ask of you both. Do you promise to choose each other, each and every day, to love each other unconditionally?”. You looked back at Steve and smiled, eyes threatening tears once again. “We do” you answered together. “Do you promise to always share your thoughts, feelings and concerns with one another, to be open and honest at all times?”. Steve smiled at you. “We do”. “Do you promise to recognize one another as equals and support one another in your goals and dreams for the future?”. “We do”. You squeezed Steve’s hands knowing what was coming next, fighting the urge to leap forward and kiss him right there and then. “Then, by the power vested in me, and as witnessed by friends and family here today, it give me great honour to pronounce for the very first time, as husband and wife, Mr and Mrs Steven Grant Rogers”. You couldn’t help the grin that grew on your face at that moment, you stomach a mess of love, nerves, excitement and pride. This was it, you were married, you were officially Mrs Rogers. Steve. 

Bruce grinned down at the two of you in front of him, his eyes wide and full of nothing but love. “Steve, you may now kiss your bride”. Steve grinned and in one swift movement pulled you into his arms, dipping you back without warning and kissing you as all of your friends, fellow avengers and family suddenly erupting into a loud applause. Steve’s kiss was soft and gentle though you couldn’t ignore the weight of meaning behind it all, the cheering and clapping from your guests deafening in your ears. Your lungs burnt by the time Steve finally pulled away, his face only inches from yours as he reached up to tenderly brush your hair from your face. “I can’t believe I get to call you my wife” Steve breathed, leaning forward to kiss you again. You grinned when you pulled away, reaching up to cup his face in your hands. “I can’t believe I get to call you my husband” you responded softly, the word feeling new and foreign on your lips. Steve grinned, “I love you Mrs Rogers”. You chuckled and bent forward to press your lips to his again, winking when you pulled away. “I love you too Mr Rogers”.

—

Just as magical as the ceremony had been, the reception had been like something out of a fairy-tale. It had been a perfect night for a wedding, warm but not hot with a clear, dark night sky that allowed for an uninterrupted view of the millions of twinkling stars above. Long, beautifully decorated tables were scattered throughout the garden for the guests, arranged carefully around an enormous polished wood dance floor with rows of delicate fairy lights strung overhead. You and Steve had left the ceremony with the rest of the bridal party for photos, returning soon after to the extravagant reception party organised meticulously by Tony and Pepper.

Everything about it had been perfect - from the moment you and Steve had walked in for the first time as husband and wife and had danced to 'It’s Been A Long Long Time", the two of you embracing and gliding along the dance floor in front of all of your family and friends, to the speeches from Tony, Sam and Wanda, to the food, music and immaculately decorated cake. It truly had been your dream wedding, it was everything you could have ever wanted and more, the perfect night that you knew both you and Steve would never ever forget. With the endless celebrations, photos and dancing, you and Steve barely had a moment alone together, instead only catching each other’s eyes across the garden while you’d been mid dance, halfway through a conversation or laughing out loud with one of your fellow Avengers. You’d shared looks with him - him winking at you playfully and you smiling cheekily, communicating without words in that way that only couples could. You couldn’t believe you were finally married, that you were lucky enough to call Steve yours. Together as one, now and forever, forever and always. When the night finally did come to an end, you relished the opportunity to finally be alone with your new husband, laughing gleefully when he’d carried you in his arms across the threshold of your hotel suite for the night. 

“Oh my feet are killing me” you moaned when Steve set you down on the bed, laughing when he’d immediately leaped in to action and removed your dainty white heels from your feet. “Better?” he asked as he massaged your feet with expert pressure, eliciting sounds from you that you’d both only ever heard when you’d been wearing much less. “That much better huh?” Steve asked with a chuckle, answering his own question as he rubbed your feet with his thick fingers. You looked down at him when you felt his fingers stop moving, smiling when he bent a pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your foot. “I’m going to grab some water sweetheart, I’ve had far too much beer tonight. Do you want anything?”. You shook your head no and smiled when Steve stood to kiss you softly, tilting your head and admiring your gorgeous husband as you watched him walk away in search of the kitchen. 

You lay back on the bed and stretched out your arms, acutely aware of how tired you felt from your big day of celebrations. Your cheeks ached from smiling all day, your feet sore from too much dancing, though you knew in spite of that there wasn’t a single thing you’d have changed about your day. Well, maybe one thing. You let out a sigh and sat up on the bed, standing and walking over towards the suite’s balcony. You pushed open the double french doors and stepped out onto the extravagant outdoor area, feeling goose bumps rise on your arms as the cool night air kissed your skin. You walked over to the balcony ledge and leaned your forearms on it, looking out at the expansive, moonlit views of New York city below. From up here the city seemed quiet, still and calm, a far cry from the chaos you knew it to be. The moonlight illuminated the city beneath you, the stars shining high and bright on the thick black sky above.  Nat. You heart ached as you thought about her, how much you missed her, how much you wished she’d been there today. Standing at the altar, by your side, just like she was supposed to be. You felt a tear slip down your cheek as you thought about her, lifting your eyes to look up at the moon and wondering if she knew how you felt. Could she see you? Did she know how much you missed her? Did she know that her absence felt like a giant, gaping hole in your heart that would never be filled? You let out a sigh and stared up the sky, letting the tears slip silently down your cheeks as your mourned your best friend.

“Hey sweetheart” Steve said suddenly, appearing behind you and wrapping his strong arms around you, “You’re not supposed to cry on your wedding my darling”. You smiled when you felt him press a soft kiss to your shoulder, his hand reaching up to wipe the tears from your cheek. “I know” you answered softly, sniffing and wrapping his arms around you tighter, “I just… I miss her. I wish she could have been here”. You felt Steve smile against your hair, his lips pressing a second kiss to the side of your face. “I know. I miss her too. There were so many times tonight where I just paused and thought, Nat would’ve loved this”. You nodded as you stood in Steve’s embrace, your hands on his arms as the two of you looked up at the sky. “I felt her you know. When I walked down the aisle. I can’t really explain it. But, I know she was there, watching us”. Steve smiled, “I know. She’d be so proud too. Of both of us. Probably cheering that all of her pestering finally paid off and got us together”. You let out a soft laugh, smiling to yourself when you felt Steve bend to rest his chin on your shoulder. You both fell silent for a long moment, the two of you looking up at the sky and reflecting on memories of Nat. The happy times - laughs when you’d been training or just sitting at Avenger’s tower, the sad times - tears when Thanos had succeeded and you’d watched your friends around you turn to dust. You’d been through it all with Nat, you both had, the good times and the bad. You let out a breath as you looked at the sky, wishing more than anything that you could see her again, talk to her one last time and tell her how much you missed her.

“You looked so beautiful today Y/N” Steve breathed, nuzzling into your shoulder and sending a shiver down your spine, “When I saw you at the top of the aisle I just..”. You smiled and turned around in Steve’s arms to face him. Your husband, once again, lost for words. “I’m the luckiest man in the world” Steve whispered, bending to kiss you and wrapping his arms around your torso, his fingers skimming your bare back. You cupped his face when the kiss began to deepen, Steve lifting you with ease so that you were sitting on the balcony ledge, your faces now level with each other. He bunched your dress up around your hips so that you could wrap your legs around him, his growing arousal suddenly pressing against your thighs and making your heart race. “You know, it is our wedding night and all..” Steve breathed between kisses as he released your lips and began a slow trail down your neck, “Our first night as husband and wife”.  

Your eyes rolled back into your head and you let out a soft moan when he reached the spot behind your ear that only Steve knew about, his fingers drawing circles on your bare back. “Mmmm” you moaned quietly, Steve’s hips pushing up into you so that you felt his arousal against your thinly covered sex, “What are you trying to tell me Mr Rogers?”. You felt Steve grin against your skin as a deep chuckle sounded from his throat, the sound making the muscles deep in your belly clench deliciously. Oh Steve. “I’m saying, that we have one more thing to do before this night is over” Steve whispered as he reached up to slide the thin strap of your dress off your shoulder, the silky material slipping from your skin and revealing your bare breast, “That we still have to consummate our marriage”. You grinned and dropped your head back when you felt Steve repeat the action with your other strap, a breathy moan escaping your lips when you felt his hands cup your breasts, his lips and mouth kissing and exploring every inch of your newly exposed skin. He knew exactly what parts of you to touch, which parts of you drove you wild, his lips and fingers feeling like heaven against your heating skin. Your eyes suddenly popped open as you remembered the lingerie you’d picked out for this exact moment, the matching snow white, silk and lace bra and panty set that you’d spent hours mulling over that was currently sitting folded in your suitcase. “Steve” you breathed, partly wanting him to stop his ministrations and partly wanting him to never stop what he was doing, “I need to go and freshen up. I’ve got—I’ve got something I want to wear for you”. You’d had to seriously concentrate to get your words out, Steve’s lips on your skin making your muscles clench and making your own arousal grow between your thighs. Steve growled, the deep, animalistic sound a direct hotline your sex, “Right now I’d prefer you be wearing nothing at all my darling”. “Stevee” you whined, your sound quickly transforming into another breathy moan when his lips found your nipple. “Save it for the honeymoon sweetheart” Steve whispered against your skin, his thick fingers massaging your delicate flesh, “Right now I just want you out of this dress so I can kiss every single inch of you”. Your insides melted. Oh Steve.

Your resolve disappeared the moment you felt Steve lift you from the balcony ledge, his mouth still on your skin as he brought you back inside the hotel suite. You were practically panting when he set you down in front of the bed, your mind forgetting all about your earlier plans with your bridal lingerie. You didn’t care any more, you just wanted Steve, you wanted to feel his hands on you, his mouth on you, you just needed him now. Your dress was currently bunched around your waist leaving your breasts bare and exposed, Steve, now sitting on the edge of the bed in front of you reaching out to undress the rest of you. His hands reached behind and deftly undid the zipper at the bottom of your waist, the silky material suddenly slipping from your body like water and pooling in a mess at your feet. Steve let out an audible breath as he took in the sight of you standing there in nothing but a tiny pair of white, lace panties, his breath hitching as he let his eyes run over every inch of your exposed skin.

“You are a goddess Mrs Rogers” Steve breathed, reaching down to readjust himself through his dress pants and making you chuckle softly, “Look at you”. His eyes finally lifted and met yours again in an intense gaze, his expression suddenly changing to that look you knew so well. The look of pure, utter adoration, of love and of lust, like he was laying eyes on the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “Steve” you breathed, a soft breeze from the open balcony doors making you shiver, “I need to feel you on me”. You stepped forward and put your hands on his chest, your fingers making quick work of his already loosened bow tie and shirt. You had him down to his underwear seconds later, your breath momentarily hitching when you took in the view of you nearly naked husband. Thick, taught muscles that moved like boulders under his smooth skin, his white briefs stretched painfully tight by his straining arousal. It was a sight that you’d seen a hundred times and a sight that you knew you could never get sick of, your thoughts suddenly interrupted when Steve reached out for your waist and pulled you onto the bed with him.

No words were needed after that, nothing but moans and sighs, the squeak of the bed beneath you, the wet sound of kisses and skin on skin contact. You kissed, tasted and explored every inch of each other, your hands traveling up one another bodies as you desperately tried to feel all of him. Eventually Steve made his way to his favourite spot on your body, kissing and sucking until he was nestled between your thighs, his fingers tearing away your tiny panties and parting your legs for him to see. He looked at you for a long moment like he always did, admiring your glistening folds and teasing you with feather light touches, telling you how he’d never get sick of seeing you wet and wanting for him. You threw your head back at the first contact of his tongue on your sex, your hands snaking down and fisting in his soft blonde hair. You writhed desperately beneath his touch as you listened to the wet sounds of his tongue on your flesh, moaning when he uttered his filthy nothings while devouring your folds.

Soon he was using his hands too, stretching you and fucking you with his long, thick fingers until you were coming apart at the seams around him. He loved to watch you like that, desperate to come as he teased you with his tongue and fingers, holding your hips down on the bed as you bucked and cried out his name like a prayer. He teased three orgasms from you, pulling them from you, one after the after with his deftly skilled fingers and tongue, eventually no longer able to resist the idea of being buried inside you in that way that he loved. Oh Y/N. He bent and kissed you, letting you taste your arousal on his tongue and continuing until both your lungs were burning, finally pulling away and lining himself up between your parted legs. You were whimpering at this point, wanting nothing more than to feel him inside you, squeezing your eyes shut and crying out his name as he pushed himself inside you. You called out his name as you felt yourself stretch deliciously around his thickness, the sweet, almost painful sensation causing a rush of warmth to flood your body like a tidal wave. Steve on the other hand growled and gripped your hips as he pushed into your slick wetness, wondering if he’d ever get sick of the feeling of your tight walls squeezing around him and holding him like a vice.

You both relished the feeling of being connected for the first time as husband and wife, Steve bending to kiss you as he started to roll his hips against yours. From there it was a like a dance, a mess of sweaty skin, hips and thrusts, fingers and touches, lips and kisses, the two of you pressed together as you fucked each other among the sheets. You changed positions every so often after that, you straddling Steve so he could watch you bounce on him and bring yourself to your own release, him bending you over so he could hold your hips and worship your glorious ass as he fucked you from behind. You moaned and called out his name each time, Steve whispering his filthy words and only bringing you closer and closer to the edge with every thrust. Eventually you were unable to control yourself any longer, the knot inside you finally snapping as you came again for the final time, your body flooding with warmth as you cried out his name, bucking and writhing in Steve’s arms as he fucked you through your high. He followed soon after, your name falling from his lips like a man possessed, his hands holding yours hips in a bruising, vice like grip as he emptied himself inside you.

You both lay there after that, hot and panting in a mess of sweaty skin and hotel sheets, Steve’s arms finding your body and pulling you into a loving embrace. A soft breeze danced through the open balcony doors, causing goose bumps to once again rise on your skin, Steve’s arm tightening around your body tenderly. “I love you Steve” you whispered, your fingers playing with the soft patch of hair on Steve’s muscled chest. He smiled and bent to kiss your head, gently running his fingers up and down the soft skin of your back, “I love you too Mrs Rogers”. You grinned and lifted your head to look at your new husband, resting your chin on his chest and meeting his beautiful blue eyed gaze. Y/N Rogers. Would you ever get used to the name? You smiled as you looked back at Steve, knowing you could look at him forever if he’d let you, feeling nothing but love in your heart as you watched him. Steve, your Steve. Your darling husband Steve. You smiled and turned your head to rest your cheek against his chest again, laying in content silence and listening to his heart beat as he ran his fingers up and down your naked skin.

You stayed like that for a long time, relaxed and sated, naked bodies intertwined and entangled in hotel room sheets. Round two and three would later follow, you and Steve exploring, pleasuring and worshipping one another as you made love, both of you finding your own release again and again. Little did either of you know that your activities would bring on the beginning of something new and exciting for the both of you, a brand new chapter in your lives that would follow the events of Thanos and the Avengers. You wouldn’t find out until weeks later that you had fallen pregnant the night of your wedding, and that five and a half months later - thanks to Steve’s serum-enhanced genes, you would give birth to a beautiful, blue eyed little girl. A gorgeous, wriggling baby girl that would be the pride and joy of her parents, a perfect genetic combination of her super soldier father and her healing enhanced mother. A warrior, a fighter, a future Avenger. A little girl, named Natalia.

—

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Communication tips: One step towards human connection

By - Radhika Gautam ,Collegetips.in

    “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”

– Ernest Hemingway

Communication in the most simple words is transmission of information from one source to another but when one has a deeper look , communication is much more than transmission of information. Communication is one of the most fundamental abilities a human possesses in order to survive and exist. We communicate everyday in different forms, babies cry to express their distress or hunger or a person can use words to communicate the information they have. Even though the baby cannot talk, they can express themselves by crying. How is that the case? How do we understand this very unclear form of communication? To understand this we have to understand the very basic forms of communications. 

Types of Communication and how to be better at them

There are 5 basic forms of communication. They are verbal, non-verbal, written , visual and listening. 

Verbal Communication: When we speak with others, we are engaging in verbal communication. It can be done in person, over the phone, over Skype or Zoom or any other platform. Some verbal exchanges are casual, such as conversing with a buddy over coffee or in the office kitchen, while others, such as a scheduled meeting, are more official. Verbal communications are one of the easiest ways of communication since the information present is in the simplest form it can be. Verbal information can be among a group of people or two individual people , it could take place over the phone or in real life. Verbal communication is nothing but the simple day to day conversations we have with people. How can one be better at communicating or understanding this form of communication? The key factors to keep in mind during this conversation are intonation , intonation is the pitch or tone one is using while mentioning a topic, it can be understood by noticing the emphasis or the feeling or emotions being expressed during the topic. These emotions or feelings are usually expressed by a person in a non-verbal format which can be understood from the next form of communication.

Non-Verbal Communication: We often say more with our actions than with our words. Facial expressions, posture, eye contact, hand motions, and touch are all examples of nonverbal communication. If you're having a chat with your supervisor about your promotion, for example, it's critical to pay attention to both their words and non-verbal cues. Non-verbal communication can be a little difficult form of communication for a lot of people considering that it’s mostly indirect and is to be understood without any verbal information. A much more simpler way to understand this form of communication is through a very realistic scenario everyone has to go through. Imagine yourself as a student who has scored bad marks in one of the subjects , your parents don't scold you but they say “I am sure you could have done better”. Regardless of this not being a situation for every person out there it is clear to everyone that the parent in this scenario is disappointed and is expressing it through non-verbal cues. People tend to leave non-verbal cues all the time while communicating or even when they are not communicating which brings us to our next type of communication.

Listening: The act of listening is rarely included among the various forms of communication. Active listening, on the other hand, is possibly one of the most crucial sorts of communication because we can't properly engage with someone if we can't listen to them. A very good example to understand how listening plays a role in communication is by participating in debates. A debate usually consists of two different parties with opposing views, each trying to prove their point. In a situation like this listening plays a vital role, you have to listen and process to be able to put your point further. Debate is usually the most academic aspect of listening , while processing any verbal information may it be during a lecture, an argument or even when you play your favourite song , listening works as the key factor to understand the information that is being communicated to you.

Written communication: Written communication is another form of communication. Whether you write an answer for your exam or an email or even a simple text to your friend. All of this comes under written communication, written communication is mainly used when neither non-verbal nor verbal communication can take place. The main objective of written communication is to provide correct information in the most concise manner possible, though that is not achieved most of the time due to poor communication skills leading to misinformation. What can one do to be better at written communication? Having a better knowledge of grammar and language definitely plays a huge role in this situation , it's important to know the punctuations to show the emphasis and importance of a message. Written communication can only be improved by having a better understanding of the language and grammar and for that it is really important for a person to learn the basics. Thus, one has to keep two things in mind: first, write well - poorly written sentences and careless typos make you appear unprofessional; and second, make sure the message's content is something you want to promote or be connected with in the long run.

Visual Communication: Visual communication is the last form of communication we will be discussing. We live in a visual world. Consider this , televisions are on 24 hours a day, Facebook is visually available with memes, videos, and images, Instagram is another highly visually consumed platform, and advertisers sell things and ideas through imagery. From a personal standpoint, the photographs we share on social media are intended to convey meaning ,to send a message. It is so we can communicate to people who we are and what we stand for. For example, A picture by a person can simply communicate “hey, look at me I am at this party.” While a seller could be posting an image of their product simply communicating “I have a new product for you people and I think you would be interested in it.” This is the main reason why visual life is so important in this age and era because most of the communication taking place right now is through visual platforms. In such a case it is important that a person is aware about the message they are putting out there. The message should be clear and understandable. While doing so make sure that anything you put in an image or video does not misinform your audience about what you stand for.

Conclusion 

Every day, we communicate in a continuous manner. We do it without thinking. No matter what you want to learn or which skills you want to improve, there is a technique for you. Becoming better at communication is not as difficult as it seems , as every other skill, communication needs both practice and patience to learn . There are several techniques to achieve the goal of learning communication, but persistence is the only technique to make it possible . In this developing world , Communication works as one of key skills for people aiming for success. 

Thank you for reading and to know more visit and follow:  http://www.collegetips.in/lifestyle/

[arrivalation]

2020: An Account

This year has been a nonstop, off-the-rails bullet train ride into what looked at first like chaos, but ultimately was a tearing down and reconstruction of my entire being. Because I know myself and I know I won’t remember much of this later, I’m recording it here. It’s hard to put some of this information out, but the universe regularly urges me to be more open. So here I go.

January

I got married.

It was, without contest, the absolute best day of my life. I’ve known since I was real little that I wanted to be married, that I wanted to be loved the way M loves me and to love someone just as much. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of having achieved that, and being able to share that with my entire circle. @abyssalsun​ made it down!! (my only regret is that @ladyoriza​ couldn’t make it, but I’m still so glad we got to make it to theirs). As often as I can, I revisit the memory of going to @chromecutie​’s house afterward, thinking it’d just be the four of us there, and opening the door to find a whole impromptu surprise party happening. Everyone cheered for us when we came in. I played CAH with Mordred, my brother and his wife, and several friends from out of town. By all accounts, these people would never have been in the same room together, but they were, and it was transcendent. It’s been almost a year, and I still haven’t recovered from all the planning and stress; but now that I’m past it, I can say with relief that it was 100% worth it.

February

We bought a house.

Up until this point, I’d been planning a wedding, participating in house-buying stuff as best I could, interviewing for a job I ended up not taking, and dealing with life-long mental illness that was festering and reaching critical mass. But then stuff started wrapping up. The wedding happened. The house was ours. We moved in. I could finally fucking breathe. LMAO bitch you thought.

March

The pandemic reached us.

I guess by this point it had probably already been in the US for a couple months, idr. But it wasn’t until March that things really started happening. People started dying in droves. New cases spread like wildfire. I remember thinking that this would be the zombie apocalypse, because at this point, I don’t think the CDC knew much about the virus. In my anxious mind, that was a completely reasonable assumption. My boss had us all start working from home. We all thought it’d be just a couple weeks.

April

I settled into working from home.

It didn’t take me long to get used to it, maybe a week. I hadn’t yet gotten used to my new hour-long commute from the new house to work, and so working from home quickly became my new normal. But I didn’t know yet why working from home was so good for me. All I knew was that I now had the brain-space to process things. I had the energy to do yoga and cook and do hobbies, and the time to appreciate and care for the home I lived in. I could think more clearly because there was no one else around to distract me. There was sunlight I could bask in. I felt human for once, and that became vitally important and infinitely valuable to me. Despite that, I still struggled with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and some of the worst depression I’ve suffered through since I was a teenager. Outside my house, everything was a fucking mess and no one had their shit together.

May

I went back to the office for a few weeks.

There was a lull in pandemic activity. My boss had us all start coming back to the office again. At this point, I couldn’t make heads or tails of reality anymore. Everything was changing, nothing was stable. I desperately needed to stay working from home, because that was the one thing that felt Good and Right, but I had no real argument other than, 'I just need to.' So imagine me, at this point a soggy, run-over sloppy joe, attempting to return to normal. As you might think, it was... bad. I cried and hurt all the time. I think I really freaked out my boss with the way I reacted to coming back to the office. But then the second wave hit, and we all went back to working from home again.

June

Uncle Mike died on the first day of the month.

My uncle had been sick for a while, but no one was expecting him to die so suddenly. None of us were ready for it.

I also died that day.

It might sound dramatic, but I mean it quite literally and honestly. Over the years, I had gained suspicion that I was on the autism spectrum. M graciously found me a psychiatrist that took my insurance (and happened to be right next door). I wasn’t even going in for that - I was seeking treatment for my anxiety and depression. But I had amassed a (very long) list of my symptoms, and I brought it with me and read it to my doctor. I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through the list when he stopped me. I’m paraphrasing here, but in effect, he said, “No, yeah, you’re definitely autistic.”

I remember the way my body felt. Like someone had detonated a bundle of TNT in my chest, and I was burning from the inside out. At the time, I didn’t realize this emotional immolation was purposeful and executed by the universe to get rid of this old structure and build a newer, better, stronger one. For about fifteen seconds after he said that, I was relieved that it had been that easy, that there was an explanation for everything that my ADHD didn’t explain. It made a ton of sense why my environment was so important to me. And then I felt something unnameable. It was obvious to my doctor that I was autistic. Had it been obvious to everyone else? Why hadn’t it been obvious to me? I read the rest of my symptoms to him in a daze. I don’t remember how the rest of the appointment went.

And then I burned quietly and ungracefully until I was a pile of ashes. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently it’s common for newly-diagnosed autistic people to have such dramatic and painful reactions, especially if they weren’t well-informed on the condition. Which I wasn’t.

I started therapy.

I also started learning about my “flavor” of autism. It was arduous, embarrassing, isolating, and ugly. I became aware that I had been masking my whole life, and I was astounded by just how often I did so. What really crushed me was knowing that I’d always have to mask to protect myself. I also became hyper-aware of the things that made me Feel Bad. Inexplicably, I stopped being able to react to those things the way I used to. Previously, if something made a loud and unexpected sound, I would suppress my reaction, because it’s not cool to get mad about it. But I found I couldn’t do that anymore. I had no choice but to react the way I needed to react. I realize now that this was to make me aware of what things make me feel a certain way so I can either avoid them or learn better tools to deal with them.

The therapist I saw wasn’t specialized in autism, and she wasn’t any help in that area, but she did teach me some important things. Like, “Is it reasonable for me to feel ____?”

July

Black hole.

I don’t remember a whole lot from this month, except sifting my own ashes through my fingers and crying. Every day brought a new revelation, a new thing that clicked. All of it was helpful and very painful. My psychiatrist recommended medication, but I’d had a bad and long-lasting experience with medication as a teenager, so I suffered through the pain on my own.

I shouldn’t have. I got so low I didn’t want to be alive anymore. But I think it took reaching the bottom and feeling that much pain for me to get over my fear of pharmaceuticals. 

I got into astrology.

I had been interested in it for most of my life, but it wasn’t until this point that I started studying it in depth. I discovered it was a language that I could use to translate so many things about my own life that I didn’t understand. It was a rulebook in a time when I desperately needed rules - but one just flexible enough that it taught me how to stop thinking in binary.

August

I got medicated.

There was a big adjustment period, of course. It didn’t cure me. But it did start to make things easier. And it helped to know that, even if I didn’t believe it at the time, I deserved to rest. I deserved not to feel so much emotional pain all the time.

I turned 30.

It was easily the second best day of my life. I learned a lot of important things, like that it’s important to be present, that I’m seen and loved (just the way I am!!), and that I deserve good things. M planned a whole day of surprises:

I woke up at my leisure and we had coffee on the couch. He got me a cute card with one of our inside jokes inside - I still have it.

We went to our favorite combination lunch place and bakery, which I believe was our first real outing since the pandemic started.

We stopped by a tattoo place. I almost got a tattoo.

He set me loose in Texas Art Supply.

We got dim sum for dinner.

We had a lovely virtual cocktail hour with @chromecutie.

He bought me an ipad!!

I became Spiritual™.

I had been agnostic for the past decade or so, slowly and subtly slipping into nihilism, without realizing how detrimental those ideas were to me. I’m not sure what I thought spirituality was before, but I wasn’t into it. I had always rolled my eyes at people who talked about “a higher power”, auras, and spirit guides, until I became that person.

My psychiatrist introduced some powerful ideas to me, ones that meshed well with my previously-existing idea of how the universe worked. I won’t get into details here. That’s a whole other post. Ask me though - I’d love to talk about it.

Anyway, I started (intermittently) meditating. I learned some exceptionally powerful stuff. I felt my scaffolding being erected.

September

I started learning who I am and why I am this way.

I started seeing a new therapist. She thinks like me. She follows my erratic, forking trains of thought. She sees me and offers real, actionable feedback and solutions. Working with her, I’ve gained the ability to see my life from a 30,000-foot view. I can see now why I’ve felt so lonely my whole life. I understand how my family’s dysfunction has shaped me. I know now that I have the opposite of a victim complex - by default, I believe I am so awful that I feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with me. Because that’s what I was taught to believe. Learning that I deserve to take up space, set boundaries, say no, and be wrong sometimes is still a hard lesson for me. But most days, I believe it now. It takes other people believing it and convincing me. I still need that reassurance often.

My parents sold my childhood home.

Mentally, emotionally, I still lived there. I was still the inverted victim, still beholden to my stepdad’s whims and my mom’s complete cognitive dissonance. This was a blinking neon sign from the universe that it was time to move out. My mom told me when the closing date was so I’d have time to drive down and look at the house one last time. I didn’t go, and I still don’t regret it.

I started learning my boundaries.

After my spiritual move-out, I learned I don’t have to jump when my stepdad holds out the little circus hoop. When he otherwise shows zero interest in my life but still baits me with passive-aggressive texts, I don’t have to answer!! What a concept! I don’t have to feel guilty for not talking to my mom more than I do. We have very little in common, and I still have a lot of things to work through regarding her.

I learned how not to be so reactive.

Or rather, I’m still learning. Something else I learned in therapy is that over the course of my life, I’ve developed a desperate need to defend myself and to justify every action or thought I have, even to myself. It’d been especially troubling at work. My RSD led me to felt stupid, incompetent, and unseen daily; if my boss complimented someone, I believed it also meant he thought I was stupid and bad and wrong, otherwise he would have complimented me too. If my boss said something that even remotely sounded like I’d done something wrong, I’d race to build an impenetrable defense: “This is the reason I did that. Here’s my line of thinking. Do you understand? Can you please understand?”

Now I know that so little of what everything everyone says or does at work is about me. I can appreciate a coworker’s accomplishment and also realize it doesn’t take away anything from me. I’m not stupid or incompetent, and I’m a valuable part of the team. A lot of times, my boss and I are on two different wavelengths - that’s because I think a lot faster, which can be frustrating for him sometimes. He doesn’t fully understand me, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.

October

I let go of an old friend.

This was especially hard, because I had known this person for years. We’d gone through a lot together, and we’d shared some really important and emotional story plots and characters. I had agonized over whether I was truly important to her or not. It didn’t matter how much I loved her as a friend, or how badly I wanted us to be close again and remain close. I had learned to read the universe’s signs, and it was clear it was time to move on.

November

The election happened.

I was expecting things to turn out badly, but I still hoped for something good. And then something good did happen. I cried watching Harris’ speech. I felt a tenuous hope that things might finally start looking up, societally. I still haven’t really let myself fully embrace that hope, but every time I see a court shoot down another lawsuit, or hear about trump’s own conservative republican supporters tell him, “Okay, buddy, it’s time to step down,” I feel a little better. 

M and I went non-monogamous.

There’s so much I want to say about this, but it’s for another post. Suffice it to say that like every other experience this year, it has been unexpectedly challenging and ultimately a catalyst for  priceless growth. I’m unfathomably grateful that we’re doing this together, for the things we’ve learned so far, and for how much closer this experience has made us, even when I didn’t think we could get any closer. 

Turns out I’m not gray-ace.

I had identified as such for a couple years, which was why we wanted to try non-monogamy in the first place. On the surface, it perfectly explained my sexual personality. But every time I told someone my identity, I felt inexplicably sad. When I read about others having “normal” sex drives and “normal” relations with their spouses, I felt jealous.

Turns out I’m just traumatized, lol. Walking along this non-mono path has unearthed a lot of things, including this gem.

December

This was our first married christmas in our new house.

One of the handful of good things the pandemic has done for me was allowing me to back up my boundaries with hard evidence. It’s been difficult dealing with my stepdad bullying me about not coming over for thanksgiving, and having my mom subtly guilt me into making plans for next year already. But what I needed this year was a quiet holiday, instead of the usual weeks-long chaos, and I got it. And it was fucking delightful. I’ve dreamed of days exactly like that one - spending a tranquil morning with my spouse, sipping coffee and listening to music and eating treats. Deciding exactly how we want our holidays to be, because we deserve to.

I’m scared of what’s to come in the new year. I’m still an anxious mess, and some days I’m not strong enough to pull myself out of the spirals I throw myself into. I’ve gotten used to the pandemic holding my hand, allowing me to shelter in my home, helping me enforce my boundaries, teaching me who I am. When it’s over, I don’t know what will happen or how I’ll react or what I’ll learn next. I’m not finished rebuilding, but I don’t think that’s the point. I’ll never be fully rebuilt. But at least I’m figuring out the new layout.