#How does anyone ever survive pregnancy it’s so fucking scary

[azrail-has-a-vendetta]

I just learned about stone babies and like bro wtf?!

that is going in my “why I don’t want kids” folder. here’s the Wikipedia link if you want to learn more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithopedion

[writingsweetroll]

**Summary: Louis has worries for his one year old, and Clementine soothes them by opening up about her own issues.**

Louis tried his best to not toss and turn, he really hated these beds. They were so springy, you do anything on it, so much as lay a hand on the mattress and it would make a springy noise. The noise wouldn’t annoy him as much if Clementine wasn’t laying beside him, he quickly found out she was a very light sleeper. It broke his heart that she wasn’t born a light sleeper, she just adapted to being one due to all of the trauma she faced. He wanted to make sure she got as much sleep as she could- so tossing and turning would definitely awaken her and that was the last thing he wanted.

So, he lay stiff as a board. Looking above to the mattress above him. He anxiously counted the number of bars holding the bed above him, distracting his mind to the best of his abilities. Because every time he couldn’t sleep at night, his mind went to dark places. *You have no idea what you’re doing.* He would think. That main thought spiraled out of control to other thoughts. But, that one main thought started from the time he was child, to now. It adapted to whatever situation he was in. As a child, ‘You have no idea what you’re doing’ related to the spelling bee, now, it is related to parenting his one year old daughter.

He grabbed the chair next to the desk, and placed it near the bed. He sat on it and watched her sleep soundly. A warm feeling was felt in his chest, unknowingly smiling ear to ear. He examined her features, and the midnight moon shone upon her face. She mainly had Louis’ features, his freckles, skin color, and eye shape. But, her lashes were full and her eyes were as golden as Clementines, her hair was also kinky just like Clementines. She was a perfect mix between the two.

*You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?*

Louis furrowed his brows as the thought entered his mind. No matter how many baby books he read, or conversations with Clementine he had about how to raise a baby into childhood, his mind was never satisfied with himself.

*To put your girlfriend through so much pain during her pregnancy, so selfish to bring a kid into this world, you’re a monster.*

That wasn’t true. Louis knew it. It wasn’t a mindless decision or an accident, it was multiple conversations and respectful debates about when or if they should start a family. After weeks, they decided together that they wanted a family, and they had enough resources to do so. And the pregnancy went better than expected, minor pain here and there, and the delivery had no scares. Thankfully, whenever Louis would remember this, it seemed as if thoughts grew quieter, and instead he imagined a world where the apocalypse wasn’t here. He wondered what her parents would think of him, or Lee, even Kenny. He didn’t know much about them, but he knew enough to know she cared deeply for them.

Suddenly, his daughter sniffled, causing him to go into panic mode. He calmed himself down once she went back to her normal state. It was spring, and it was just allergies but he was still terrified of her getting sick. Louis sighed, slouching against the chair now.

Although Louis truly thought he didn’t know what he was doing, he knew one thing. He’ll never be like his parents. His father, manipulative and a gas-lighter. His mother ignored it and was just focused on her public image instead.

*“Chin up, baby.” His mother whispered down to him. “Play your little piano and smile.”*

*His mother’s tone was sweet, and caring. But Louis wasn’t stupid. He knew his family milked his skills during fancy business parties like these ones. But, he played the piano nonetheless, because this was the only time he could truly feel like he had an audience that enjoyed his talent, his dream.*

*“My son! Ladies and gentlemen!” Louis’ father widened his arms towards Louis playing the piano. Families of prestigious wealth clapped for him. In this moment it was bitter sweet, should he feel happy that people enjoyed his music, or should he feel angry that his parents only supported him if it benefited them? Louis brushed off the confusing feelings and instead put his emotions into his music, making it authentic and oddly charming.*

*“Beautiful, Mandisa.” A woman patted his mothers shoulder. “You’ve raised a wonderful son.”*

Louis slightly groaned in irritation. ‘*They raised a horrible kid.’* Louis thought to himself. Now that he was older, he realized that he shouldn’t have beat himself up as much as he did when he was 17. Guilt had always occupied his mind when he thought about what he did, how he broke up his parents. But in reality, they raised him like that. They raised him to think of yourself first, not others. Survival of the fittest.

*“Please, I have a family William!”*

*Louis sat on the couch with his mother, they were just chatting when they heard the commotion coming from the office room. His father opened the door and held his hand out. “You’re not needed anymore, Mark.”*

*“I-I’m not needed?! Are you serious!? I helped you start this business, what the fuck man?!”*

*“But- Mark. You seem to forget. People like me. People like my beautiful ‘exotic’ wife, people love my son. What do you have Mark? A regular housewife, who’s pregnant and unattractive? A son who doesn’t excel in school? He doesn’t even have a talent to show off. You’re dragging me down. You understand, don’t you?”*

*“Excuse me?! The fuck did you-” Mark gulped as a security guard walked up behind him. “Fine.” Mark muttered.*

*The guard escorted the man out. Louis’ father looked at Louis with a smile, as if he didn’t just ruin someone’s life. “See son,” he started. “-sometimes, we have to make the hard decisions to get what we desire. It’s just business. Nothing personal.”*

Business came first, passion and feelings came last. That way of life ruined his childhood. He believed from a young age hurting others to get what he wanted was ok.

He gently stroked Willows head, *‘I’ll never teach you that.’* He thought to himself. No matter what, he’ll always make sure she knew it was ok to express herself, to talk about her feelings. He wanted her to know that no matter the situation, she was loved and *accepted.*

“I promise.” He whispered. “I promise I’ll give you a better life than mine.”

Suddenly, he felt slender arms wrap around his neck, a semi-heavy weight on his shoulders. He smiled, hearing Clementine mumble something out of exhaustion.

“What was that, darling?” Louis asked, holding her forearm.

“You’re doing great.” She yawned. “You don’t have to keep worrying Louis. You love her and that’s—“

“The bare minimum, Clem.” Louis cut her off.

“-not really. Not anymore.” Clementine said sadly. “Even back then, dads used to run out on their kids, unable to either provide a stable life or love. You could’ve ran out so many times, so many opportunities and you didn’t.”

“Why would I ever do that?” Louis replied, almost offended.

“I’ve seen it happen before. Of course I knew you wouldn’t but…there’s always that lingering exit you can take, and the urge is probably there for you-“

“Clementine.” Louis said sternly, waking her up a little. “I would *never* do that. Do you really think that?”

Clementine stayed quiet. In reality, no. Of course she knew Louis would never leave. It was just her inner insecurities popping out, she’d hidden it for years but it came out eventually. The *constant* fear that she would be alone again lingered in her mind. Louis noticed her silence and sighed. He got off his chair, and then hugged her tightly.

“Isn’t it crazy?” Louis chuckled.

“What?”

“How we only started dating a month into knowing each other.” Louis started, caressing her arm a bit. “Now, we’re in a family together. Clementine, I didn’t fight a war with you, fell for you in the middle of it, wrote songs about you, spent literally almost every second with you for the past 4 years to just leave.” Louis reassured.

“But now we have a kid.”

“Even more of a reason to stay. I mean *who* can actually say they have a kid with the most beautiful, bad-ass woman of the apocalypse world? Only me! I’d be a fool to run from that.” Louis joked.

She shook her head, a big smile on her face. Louis kissed the top of her head, pushing her slightly towards the bed, there he dropped her on it. She got into a comfortable position, and Louis lay next to her.

“I was serious.” Clementine broke the silence. “When I said you’re doing great. It’s not only the love you have for her Louis. You don’t even go to sleep before she does. Even though I tell you I got it. You care deeply for her and that *is* enough.”

Louis sighed, twiddling his fingers with one another, only staring at the bars above him. “I know. Thanks. Sometimes it just feels like I’m not enough, even before Willow.”

“Louis…” Clementine muttered sadly. The thought of him degrading himself saddened her. She sat up, grabbing his curious glance. Clementine took off her oversized sweater, a tank-top underneath. There was enough moon-light to see the faint, pink branded mark on her arm. She slid her fingers over it slightly, a grimace appearing on her face.

“You finally gonna reveal the meaning behind that?” Louis chuckled, over the years, she’d always refuse. ‘*The past doesn’t matter.’* She’d say.

Although he was joking, she wasn’t.

“I got this when I was 13.” Clementine started.

Louis shifted himself upwards, a frown shown on his face as he eyed the scar.

“I only did it to make sure AJ was safe. But, then he got ripped apart from me in the same group. After that, I had nothing more to lose. And when you have nothing to lose…you do scary, stupid things. I was horrible, Louis. I wasn’t the same person you know today.”

Louis nodded, taking in her words to the best of his ability. Trying not to react negatively in anyway.

“After I got AJ back—I only had *him.* If anyone ever—and I mean, *anyone* tried anything to hurt or kill him, I wouldn’t hold back. Yes I love AJ. I really do, but that feeling of hopelessness for your own self is so damaging.” Clementine opened up. After a brief moment of silence she continued. “I didn’t have hope for my own life, only for his. I didn’t mind if I got bit, as long as he was safe, I didn’t care. Not because I was sad or anything but because I just felt like this world wasn't for me. When I was a kid, I loved to be social, playful even. I've changed so much, I was forced to. I used to be innocent. Now, I'm finally getting some sort of my old self back."

Clementine grabbed Louis’ hand and squeezed it slightly. “You saved me.” She said, her tone hoarse. Louis squeezed back on her hand.

"I'm glad to be of service." He smiled at her. “I love you.”

She smiled, and kissed his cheek. “I love you too, Louis.”

[primalspice]

ORION I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMEONE 💖 📙 ⭐ 🌳 💚 🌀 🍆 🌸 💗 🌺

ask and ye shall receive 

💖 Has your OC ever been in love, be it romantic or platonic or otherwise? Who with and did they ever express their feelings or keep it private? How long did these feelings persist / do they still feel this way?

She’s had plenty of flings and 2 serious relationships (punk gf from age 18-21 that she moved away from home for the first time with, artist bf from age 22-27ish who’s dominic’s dad. they moved to alabama together), but generally feels v detached from people as a whole. She’s never rlly the type to confess feelings, most of her relationships have started v casually and just evolved.

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun?

shes kinda stewpid but shes also kinda a philosopher. shes usually kinda quiet but she likes to talk about art and the meaning of life n shit. also enjoys talking about her travels but cant expose Too much.

⭐ What is your OC afraid of? Any crippling phobias or some such? How do they act when scared and what helps them calm down? Does anyone ever find your OC scary? Why?

Commitment LOL and getting pregnant again. She also doesnt love crowds but she’ll survive. Shes very escapist in general, doesnt really have many good ways of coping and never thought much about it since the escapism seems to work pretty well <3 as for the last part, no one rlly finds her scary. shes 5′4 and slow and unarmed..

🌳 Compare your OC to themself from 10 years ago. How has their mental state changed since then, how have they aged and grown up? Would they say they’re in a better place than they were back then or do they need help? What advice would they give their younger self? What advice would their younger self give to them now?

Glad the timeframe here is 10 years bcuz 10 years ago is the Peak of her mental breakdown. Deeply depressed and ready to commit Die despite having a bf and a 4 year old to stick around for. Staying at home to take care of baby and incredibly bored and Alone With Her Thoughts 24/7. Hard to get along with when her bf Was home. Eventually she simply Left on a bad night and never came back. She was gonna go die but changed her mind/survived.

Now, she is still Gone but feeling somewhat better now that she is not ‘restrained’. Still tries to keep on the downlow in case anyone is still bothering with looking for her whether shes dead or alive. Then her son shows up :) stupid her for returning to near where she came from. Now she has a maybe-son and some weird ginger guy to deal with. Hates it.

💚 Talk about some of the traumatic events in your OC’s life. These events can be ones that have happened to them or a loved one. These events can be minor or major.

Childbirth and pregnancy even tho it was relatively Just Fine still fucks her up. She doesnt rlly have any major traumas her brain chemicals are just fucked up. I guess that Ginger Guy might give her something to worry about tho.

🌀 Where is your OC from? Where were they born? Do they still live there, if not why did they move? If they still live in the area how has it changed since their childhood? How many places has your OC lived in and where has been their favourite?

She was born in Louisiana and lived there til she was 21 and then moved to Alabama. She’s been all throughout the state pretty much and all throughout the southern southwest usa Area.. Lives in the woods kinda and enjoys that bcuz no one bothers her LOL.

🍆 Tea or Coffee or Hot Chocolate? Sweet or Spicy? Fruits or Vegetables?

Hot chocolate, Spicy, Fruits

🌸 What does your OC’s voice sound like? Their laugh? Are they good at singing? Do they have an accent?

sounds like i want to kiss her. shes a lil Country

💗 What would your OC say is their best feature? Why? What do their friends / family / lover(s) / people they know think is their best feature and why?

Avoids mirrors and Thinks her best feature is her dazzling personality <3 best feature is actually licherally anything besides that

🌺 Does your OC have any tattoos or other body art? Does their body art have any specific meaning behind it? Do they have any scars? How did they get those scars? Any birthmarks?

I havent decided if she has tattoos so right now No. certainly has plenty of miscellaneous scars. seems like the type to have a funny shaped birthmark.

[eroticcannibal]

What's your opinion on abstinence only when it comes to addiction? Honestly, one of the major reasons I didn't "just stop" drinking was because of the 'abstinence or die' mindset. I don't think non-addicts get that it's not helpful to a lot of people because you're basically saying "oh that one thing your brain tells is the the /most/ important thing in your life? Just stop forever" 🙃 like asking me to stop breathing would've been less difficult/scary lol

OK attempt number two, typed out in wordpad so my clumsy ass fingers don't fuck me over again.

Short version: Not A Fan.

Long version (and before I get any bullshit reaching asks, read it again, I've been through multiple addiction treatment programs, I know what the fuck I'm talking about): Pushing abstinence as a treatment for addiction ignores everything we know about addiction.

What I think most people who push abstinence wrt addiction fail to realise is that addiction is not about the focus of the addiction, it's a psychological adaptation to survive a problem. Like you say, the focus of the addiction is prioritised in addiction. It is the most important thing. Regardless of rational thought, addiction causes the brain to work like addiction > water > food > shelter > etc. It does that for a *reason*. How easily would we expect someone to give up life-preserving medication? Remove a pace maker? I've said it before, I challenge anyone who thinks just anyone can stop engaging with the focus of an addiction to prove it, give up drinking fluids. Forever. Show me how easy it is. I'm lucky I'm in a position where my one focus of addiction, cigarettes, isn't difficult for me to finance, and I'm reasonably confident that I have enough control over my addiction now that I wouldn't prioritise it over necessities for me and my family, but if I were ever financially destitute enough to have to chose between say, cigarettes and a birthday cake for dorito? I can't say for sure what I'd pick. Cus addiction is a dick like that.

Like yeah, you do get those ~inspirational stories~ where someone who's homeless because they're shooting up enough heroin to kill a horse just up and stops and becomes a CEO within a year but 1. They are outliers and 2. There is a reason many addiction treatment services, such as NHS smoking cessation, stress that you have to be *ready* to quit. Which is all airy-fairy and doesn't really get to the meat of what they are talking about, but removing the focus of the addiction is really the last step in successfully treating the addiction. If someone is ready to quit, and they pull it off, it's because the root cause of the addiction has been resolved to the point where they no longer need it to survive, or they just replace the focus of the addiction with something else. That is, sadly, not the reality of most active addicts.

I've been through evidence-based, effective addiction treatment and SURPRISE, they do not push abstinence. Ever. If you want to, they will support you, but once they have told you that, it's not mentioned agan. Ever. And it works. I used to use alchohol, weed, meth, cigarettes, solvents and "anything I can get my hands on", and absolutely in an addictive matter. And due to the treatment I'd had, when I did *need* to reduce the amount of drugs I was taking due to pregnancy, even though I wasn't ready, I was able to bring it down.

Another thing that really irks me about the abstinence approach is instilling powerlessness in recovered addicts. Like the whole "if you have one drink ever again you'll become a drunken monster and beat your wife" shit. Like, yeah, sure, you keep telling people that, maybe they will fall off the wagon big style! It's learned helplessness! That's what happens when you treat addiction as some sickness caused by the focus of the addiction, rather than a survival mechanism. Like I said, I used to be an alcholic. I still drink, and not infrequently. I like to have a lemonade and double gin, spread over an evening and night. Not even enough to get me tipsy, I just like the taste, and it's enough to take the sting out my joints. I don't get drunk very often, I always try not to when I'm on a night out cus I don't even like it, I'm not getting shakes, and I don't freak out if I'm out of gin. Because I've learned enough by now that while yes, I'm still an addict, I have enough control over how my addiction manifests to not let alchohol be a problem any more.

The one thing I would say that abstinence is helpful for, is for helping those with addictions that pose an immediate and sever risk, if paired with a replacement. Those who are close to ODing on hard drugs, or on the verge of divorce or whatever it might be. My mum feared I was going to die when she got me into treatment, and I eventually got rid of everything except the smoking, which I increased to manage quitting. It saved my life. It saved Dorito's life. I'm still an addict, and given that the issues that have led to my addiction are systematic, I always will be. But now it's gonna take a hell of a lot longer to kill me, and that's something.

[cptnsantiago]

right now, i want you here with me

summary: She appears in his dreams every night. Jake dreams of what future they could have had. Their planned cheap honeymoon to the Berkshires, waking up next to his wife every day for the rest of their lives, starting a family. 

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The first thing Jake notes in loud consistent beeps, then bright light shining through his eyelids and a harsh pain in his side. He opens his eyes and closes them immediately. It’s too bright and everything is beginning to hurt as he continues to wake up.

Jake feels a hand fall to his knees softly and slowly he peels his eyes open. His own mother’s face comes into focus, and she’s crying. Relief or grief he can’t tell. Victor then comes into view, and he’s holding Camila as she begins to sob loudly.

“Mom?” Jake croaks, “What happened?”

But he doesn’t need her to answer as he squeezes his eyes shut and flashes appear of Amy in her sweats on their wedding day with a nicotine patch on her forehead, and Teddy proposing to her again . He remembers the relief of Teddy announcing there was no bomb after they arrested Dario Moretti. He sees her in her wedding dress, performing his rap vows and her heartfelt words. Then -- loud bangs, building collapsing, fire and finally darkness.

“Amy- Is she okay?” Jake attempts to sit up but pain begins to shoot up his chest and he grimaces.

“Jake…” Karen takes a shaky breath before, “You’ve been in a coma for 3 weeks. Th-there was a bomb, it was smaller so the bomb squad didn’t find it, I guess. A-and they searched the building over and over again but…”

“No-”

“They found traces of her but they couldn’t find her body…” Karen swallows, “I’m so sorry Jakey…”

Darkness returns quickly.

+

He doesn’t remember when he wakes up next but he feels nothing but pain. Jake can’t figure out if it’s physical pain or the fact that he’s a widower now. Is he? The bomb went off right as they were about to kiss as husband and wife. They had just gotten married.

Jake can feel his chest tightening and the tears are burning again. His mom is quick to be by his side and she’s asking how he is. He can’t just accept that his wife is gone. “What evidence was at the venue mom?”

“Jake…” Karen sits by him, taking his hand but he pulls away quick.

“What if Dario took her somehow or somebody else?” Jake doesn’t care about the physical pain anymore and he sits up, “I’m a detective I can find her.”

“Jake your squad has been working day and night on it…” Karen explains, “They even looked into Teddy and anyone who knows Dario. But no leads.”

“I haven’t tried yet. One more mind is sometimes all you need to crack a case!” Jake pleads, “Please just ask Holt to bring the case file.”

“They gave it to major crimes and it’s been marked a cold case.” His mom begins to cry quietly as she takes his hand and he begins to shake his head fiercely again.

“This is fucking stupid! They just gave up! This is Amy! How can they just give up?!” Jake is shouting and crying now, and suddenly Holt runs into the room just as Jake is trying to get out of bed. Holt has to push him down to the bed as Karen calls for a nurse. “How can you give up on her Holt? She can’t be gone, she can’t be-”

“I’m sorry Jake.” Holt is crying with him and he’s holding Jake as close as he possibly can without hurting him, “I am so sorry.”

+

As Amy’s empty casket is lowered into the ground - Jake can say he feels like the world feels like it’s ending. He’s felt like that ever since he woke up. His body healed and yet he was in pain every day. He just knew he would never be truly happy again.

She appears in his dreams every night. Jake dreams of what future they could have had. Their planned cheap honeymoon to the Berkshires, waking up next to his wife every day for the rest of their lives, starting a family.

But Amy is dead. He gets to do none of that with her. Jake is alone.

~

Amy wakes up alone in a dark hospital room. It’s dark outside as well; and she tries to survey her surroundings but her body is stiff. Her leg is in a cast and she can feel the skin on her bandaged arm burning very slightly. She groans as she turns her head to her right and she spots her boyfriend asleep in the loveseat.

“Teddy…” She croaks, throat.

Teddy responds in an instant and jumps from the couch to the space next to her. “Oh Amy thank God you’re awake.”

“Where am I? What happened?” Amy slowly sits herself up with Teddy’s help. “I don’t remember anything…”

“Uh, we’re in hospital. There was a fire.” Teddy begins, “I was…- Maybe I should get the doctor.”

Teddy stands up but Amy pulls him back down. Injured or not - Amy is strong. “Our house caught on fire. I was out on an errand run and most of the house was on fire when I got home and the firefighters were already there and they... they… You were unconscious and burnt and it was so scary Amy.”

She glances down at their hands and sees the rings on both their left hands. “So we lost our home? Did we have any pets or?”

“No. And no kids yet.” Teddy stands up again, “I need to know… What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Um… well… I was helping Jake with a case against, uh what was his name…” Amy closes her eyes, “Lucas Wint, that’s his name.”

“What year is it Ames?” Teddy asks with a desperate look in his eyes.

“Uhm, March 2014?”

“Oh Amy…” Teddy sighs sadly.

“What year is it?” Amy feels panic rising in her body when he doesn’t respond for a while, “Teddy, you’re scaring me!”

“It’s 2018.” Teddy sighs, “I was so afraid of this happening.”

“It’s 2018…” She takes a deep breath, trying to remain calm, “4 years…”

“I should really get the doctor.”

Amy is alone for a few minutes while Teddy finds their doctor. She begins to try and process everything that she has been told since she woke up. Teddy and her are married, or at least engaged. The ring is beautiful, she didn’t think Teddy would be anything so beautiful and suiting for her. He just didn’t have the eye for that stuff; he’s a brilliant detective but he always struggled with his style choices.

She doesn’t remember anything about the past 4 years but looking at the ring on her finger she can’t help but be pleased that it worked out with Teddy. When the doctor -  a relative of Teddy is seems, Dr. Wells - the information overloads her brain to a point where it’s throbbing and she wants to go back to sleep. Third degree burns, fractured leg in two spots, concussion - and he informs her that her baby is miraculously doing well despite the trauma.

“Baby? Amy’s pregnant?” Teddy sounds as shocked as she feels. He did mention that they didn’t have kids yet - but she’s glad he didn’t know either.

“Yes, congratulations you two. It’s truly a miracle that it survived the accident.” The doctor continues to rattle on about her due date, vitamins, her recovery and how he wants to keep a close eye on her to make sure the baby develops well.

She’s still trying to wrap her head around forgetting 4 years of her life and now she has to think about creating a pregnancy binder. It’s too much for her and she asks to go back to sleep.

~

When she wakes up again, she feels nauseous. It only gets worse as Teddy fills her in on more information of what she’s missed. It’s the beginning of June, they’ve been married for 3 years, Amy got a job offer in Boston so they had just moved there, and there’s so much more and she’s writing it all down so her head doesn’t explode.

“Where are my parents…?” Amy asks, “They haven’t been here to see me…”

“Oh Amy…” Teddy sighs dramatically, “I’m so sorry you have to go through this again…”

“What? What happened to my parents?”

“Your dad had a heart attack about 10 months ago, and your mom… Well, you know that thing where people die of a broken heart? Yeah, her heart gave out a few months later…” He’s in her space to comfort her now and she gladly accepts it as her head began to throb at this news.

“My parents are dead?” Her voice is quiet and weak, it’s quickly becoming too much for her to handle once again. “Please leave Teddy.”

“Amy I-”

“Teddy! I’ve had enough of this! I just need a moment.” She almost screams, her breath is coming up short. Amy manages to ground herself after a few moments after remembering she’s pregnant and the baby probably needs oxygen.

Their baby that she doesn’t remember discussing in the 3 years of marriage she’s lost. Sure the doctor said that her memory might come back slowly, and that therapy would help her with that. Amy will do anything to get back to normal, but she has to also stay stress free.

She can’t call her mom or dad for help. Her brothers are emotionally stupid as far as she remembers. Teddy is trying his best, but she needs to speak to someone.

Jake.

Amy doesn’t know why she thinks to call him. They were never super close - becoming decent friends after their bet ended. But were they close enough to call him and tell him how she’s feeling? Does she tell him that she feels like she’s suffocating - that it’s 2018 and she doesn’t remember that she’s married to Teddy and pregnant with his child , that she’s been working in Boston for months and that Donald fucking Trump is president.

She doesn’t have her number on her phone but she worked with him so much that she had to memorise his number. It rings, and rings and rings. But then she’s greeted by an automated voice telling her that the number has been disconnected.

The sadness that envelopes her is inexplicable but there. She doesn’t know how long it’s been since she’s seen him, but she misses him and nothing makes sense.

+

Jake gets his hands on the case file. For months, he studies over what was left at the scene. Her DNA was everywhere and there was no clear trace of her but not physical evidence that she could have burnt to death. There’s no trace or hints at their apartment. He’s gone over surveillance footage for hours in numerous areas around their wedding venue - he hasn’t slept and barely eats.

He’s required to go back to work after a few months. He’s put on desk duty and is required to go to therapy once a week. The entire squad tries to keep his spirits up as best they can; he loves them for this and he’s lucky to have such a great support behind him. Jake eventually feels like he’s getting to a point where he’s functioning properly and his therapist approves him for field duty.

Jake gets back into cases. He still doesn’t eat much or sleep a lot. Jake shows up to events, like Nikolaj’s birthday and Shaws for Gina’s farewell party. His life begins to go back to normal in a sense - he makes stupid jokes again and he goes out with his friends.

He continues to live in the apartment he shared with Amy - he doesn’t change anything and it feels so empty. On a nightly basis he can’t escape that Amy is gone and he has nightmares about that day at least once a fortnight. He survives just fine.

~

Amy is in hospital for a few days after she wakes up before they get to go home. Home is a cheap apartment for the time being - they need more time to find a good place where they can raise this kid.

A child. Amy’s still trying to wrap her head around that. She doesn’t remember her marriage with the man she had been dating and now she’s having a kid with him. Before they left they were able to have an ultrasound and got some more information.

November 26th. Heartbeat. 11 weeks. Real baby.

How Amy got through months of not having a period without noticing before the accident is beyond her. Although she had been in a coma for two weeks - she doesn’t understand how this baby survived. It was a miracle as the doctor has told them repeatedly.

Amy insists that they go to pick up binders so she can get a start on her pregnancy binders and Teddy is anxious to get home but he remind him that she’s stuck at home for a while for her recovery so she needs the binders. She creates a little nook for her studies with her binders to the side and laptop in her lap.

Her focus in impenetrable in the few hours she works on the draft of her binder. Teddy spends this time unpacking their new furniture and trying to make it feel like home. Eventually, her head begins to ache so instead she turns on the TV and allows herself to drift off during jeopardy while Teddy begins dinner.

Drift off isn’t exactly was she does. Her eyes are closed and she’s not paying attention to what’s happening around her but instead she’s lost in thought. They live in Boston now - and have for a few months. It’s not a huge deal, and she doesn’t expect her friends to be texting her every day. But the fact that no one from the 99 has contacted her baffles her.

They were friends right? She had been in a horrific accident that stole 4 years of her life but she remembers them yet they aren’t listed in her phone and she hasn’t had an email from them at all. To be fair, her phone was burnt in the fire, so this is a new phone and she can’t contact them herself. Amy needed her old friends now more than ever - but instead she was with her supposed husband in a completely different city with no memory of the more serious years of their relationship. What she needed during this time was familiarity and Boston was not familiar.

“Teddy? I have a question.” The man in question is currently serving up spaghetti and meatballs with a content look on his face - as if this is an ordinary night, which she guesses it is.

“Shoot honey.” Teddy says cheerily as he carries their bowls of pasta to the couch on a tray.

“Why… Did something happen with the 99? Do they not know?” Amy is staring at her food as she asks it, “I feel like it’s odd that they also haven’t contacted me since the accident.”

“Uh well, you all just drifted apart I guess.” Teddy shrugs, “I didn’t know until recently that you had stopped talking regularly with them.”

“Oh… Okay.” Her shoulders slump as she becomes lost in thought again. “What about Jake? He’s so incredibly nosy that I feel like he would find out somehow.”

“You and Jake probably had the bigger loss in terms of falling out of touch.” Teddy begins, looking slightly irritated.  “You two had a huge fight when we were about to move, and you refused to tell me anything about it and you haven’t spoken about it since we moved.”

“And we moved in January?” “Correct.”

“Present Amy really wishes she told you about that fight so I could know why I should be mad.”

“Trust me, same here. I hate that he made you so upset.” Teddy puts down his fork for a moment to squeeze Amy’s hand, “But we’re here now and we have so much more to focus on. We’re having a baby.”

“Right the baby.” Amy nods half heartedly, “But I also feel like regaining my memory is also a high priority.” “Of course it is honey.”

“Because what I remember is us being at the very beginning of our relationship and me even questioning whether we were a good match and now skip four years and we’re married and have a kid on the way. Teddy, that really scares me.”

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” Teddy shakes his head, “I can only support you in your choices.”

“Okay I would like to sleep in separate rooms for now, just until I feel less like I’m about to explode from anxiety.” Amy tells him, biting softly on her lip as he eyes drift to his. “And stop calling me honey, it’s creepy when I don’t remember us.”

“Of course, whatever makes you happy, Ames.”

~

As a joint decision, Amy decides to not go back to work for at least a year. Teddy brought it up out of concern for her safety and wellbeing - she decided that was bullshit. But upon further thought, she concluded that the time before their baby arrived was vital. Amy needed to focus on making sure she was ready for their child with or without her memories. Then a further six months after the baby came for the sake of being with her baby.

The months following her return from hospital are strange. She meets the few friends they had before the accident, and they’re all so excited for the baby. Amy tries really hard to connect with them but she mostly feels uneasy and afraid. They all understand this and tell her to take her time - all so kind yet off to her.

These friends even throw her a gender reveal/baby shower. She’s five and a half months pregnant, physically healthy and she’s made no progress on her memory recovery. She doesn’t want to do this but she knows how excited Teddy is and the past months have been hard on him, so she eventually gives in. Teddy’s mom and his cousins are obsessed with her, making sure Amy has everything she needs and once again she feels completely overwhelmed.

Amy manages to escape to the bathroom for a few minutes and there’s nothing she wants more than to have a cigarette. She takes a few deep breaths and lets her hands run down the curve of her bump. In that moment she can finally feel it kicking, she wants to cry because it’s the most happy she’s felt since waking up. “Thank you mi amor.” She can feel herself calming down as the baby continues to move around, “I know it’s been crazy these past few months, but I’m really excited to meet you and I love you so much.”

Amy lets herself just enjoy the moment for a few minutes before Teddy comes knocking, saying that they’re ready for cake and presents.

It’s a boy. There’s only been one thing she’s been certain of since losing her memory, and it’s that this baby is surely the best thing that will happen in her life despite the circumstances. Amy can hear Teddy going on about how he knew it was going to be a boy because of all her brothers - whom all told her over text they couldn’t make it to their own sister's baby shower.

Amy quickly swallowed her anger down at the thought of her brothers not being there. She’s having a boy . Trying to come up with an image of what their baby will look like is hard; she wishes she could be more excited with Teddy but none of it feels right.

She can’t put a reason to why it all feels so off. Her memories tell her what doubts she was feeling about Teddy, but apparently she worked those out. Surely, she concludes, that these feelings are purely due to her losing her memory. But her gut is telling her otherwise. Maybe hormones were affecting her instincts? Was that even possible? How was she supposed to figure it out when she had so much more to figure out before her baby comes?

Amy begins to spiral again and god let her have a shame cigarette. She talks about it a lot in therapy, it’s her safe space for her to spiral and for someone to understand to an extent. Her therapist tells her to trust her instinct because they’re likely right. But it hurts her brain every time she begins to try and understand.

~

During her whole pregnancy, Amy barely dreams. She doesn’t dream too often from what she can remember. This changes in the last few weeks of her pregnancy. It starts off with her riding on a cloud with Jake and Rosa - and Teddy is behind them on a dark cloud full of thunder and lightning. Another time, she’s shaking Holt’s hand who is congratulating her on becoming sergeant.

This particular night, the day of her due date, is perhaps the strangest of her dreams. The scenes in front of her fade in and out, and they don’t make much sense. She’s sitting at a restaurant across from Jake and they’re talking to these strangers.

“He makes me laugh. ” “And y’know… There’s really no one else’s opinion I care about more than hers. ”

The look in his eyes seems so genuine that she needs to know more, but the scene changes and they’re kissing in a small hallway. Her body tenses and she hesitates before she leans into it before he rips away and she realises they’re undercover.

“Oh, hey, we were just looking for a place to uh… ” “Boink .” “Yep. Boink. That’s my preferred term for it as well. ”

“Amy and I kissed. ” “WHAT?! TELL ME EVERYTHING. ”

She’s suddenly in a park, Jake standing by a tree with his hands in his pockets when she spots a sketchy asian man watching them. It’s happening again - she’s pressing him against the tree and her lips are pressed against his. His hands fall to her waist and they feel so warm against her that she has to remind herself that it wasn’t real.

It isn’t real.

“So, a lot of change around here, huh? ”

They’re kissing again, and it feels so right. Her dreams were beginning to make more sense than her real life - but this was Jake she was kissing, so it definitely wasn’t right. Jake was an immature, goofy, lazy but smart cop. He definitely wasn’t right for her.

Amy is woken up by a sharp pain in her stomach, growing stronger for a moment before it quickly disappears. Her brain is still foggy from the dream she just had but there is no doubt that it was a contraction.

It felt real and familiar - but there was no way, right? Amy was with Teddy, and had been consistently for over 4 years. There’s no time to dwell on it when her brain clears up and she realises her baby is coming today.

She checks the time as she rolls herself out of bed - 3:48am - and waddles herself to the main bedroom where Teddy is sleeping and wakes him up softly. “Teddy, good morning, the baby’s coming!” Amy is poking him awkwardly.

“What Ames?” Teddy groans, slowly opening his eyes.

“I had a contraction and it was only the first contraction but I’m already super scared and not ready for this.” Amy is sitting next to him now as he sits up, “Will you stay up with me?”

“I’m going to need a lot of coffee but of course I’ll stay up.” Teddy says quietly, his hand covering hers.

“Are you excited?” Amy asks, hands drifting over her large stomach, “Ready to meet little Leo?”

“Why did you chose that name again?” Teddy chuckles, “It’s better than anything I could think of, but I’m still curious.”

“I had a really odd dream about the ninja turtles and it kind of stuck.” Amy shrugs.

“That adorable. I love you.” Teddy pauses for a moment before looking back up at her, “Can I kiss you?”

Teddy brings her in for a soft kiss after she nods, remaining silent. It feels fine, nothing life changing and it doesn’t trigger anything. It brings back the dream she just had - it felt so much more real than the kiss she and Teddy shared.

Could it be a memory?

She watches as Teddy gets out of bed to make coffee and Amy remains on his bed, lost in thought. From what Teddy said, they have been together for four years - but there was also a chance this happened behind his back. But neither of them were like that, she refused to believe she would cheat or that Jake would cross that line with how his father was.

She doesn’t know how long she’s spiralling but her thoughts are interrupted when another contraction hits her. Amy remembers the breathing techniques from her binder and gets through it with minimum whining. When she looks up again, Teddy is standing in the doorway staring at her, jaw slack and holding a mug in his hands. “How was it?” He remains where he is and takes a sip of coffee.

“It hurt, so…” Amy mumbles with a weak smile, “Could you get me some water? I feel so heavy and walking to the kitchen is a real struggle.”

“Oh right, sure.” Teddy is very clearly frazzled as he shuffles out of the doorway and comes back with water a few moments later.

“This is happening, Teddy.”

~

It’s fourteen hours later at 6:14PM on November 26, 2018 when Leo Santiago is born. Right on time, he’s definitely a Santiago child. Amy had kicked Teddy out an hour earlier because he was making her uncomfortable for reasons too complicated to go into while having a contraction every 3 minutes. Amy’s nurse was better support than Teddy had been anyway - he had been awkward and quiet.

The moment she had been cleaned up, Teddy was back in the room. He rushed to her side and looked down at the baby. “I’m so sorry I was so weird Amy I should have been in here for you.”

“Teddy, don’t worry about it. Just look at… our son.” Amy strokes Leo’s chubby cheek with the back of her finger and her heart feels so light. Despite everything that happened, with her accident and not remembering her husband while pregnant. She shakes it off when she looks at Leo again.

“He’s gorgeous, honey.” Teddy whispers, “Can I hold him?”

“Of course.” He bends down and scoops Leo up into his arms. Leo begins to whimper as if he’s uncomfortable, and it slowly becomes louder before Teddy returns him to Amy’s arms.

“I think maybe he’s hungry.” Amy nods at his suggestion, happy to have Leo back in her arms.

She’s silent as she prepares to feed Leo, and it’s such a natural instinct and it’s the most normal she’s felt in months. The dream comes back to the forefront of her mind and she looks up at Teddy with guilt. “I have to tell you something…”

“Yes Ames?” He’s smiling softly at the two of them, and she can’t do it to him. It can’t be real, and there’s no reason to cause a problem between the two of them now.

“I love you.” His smile only grows in size as he leans down to kiss her chastely, then kissing Leo’s head.

“I love you both too. So much.”

~

They get to go home a few days later, and Amy and Teddy fall into a great rhythm. Amy barely sleeps, but it’s normal and she loves to spend time watching her son. Teddy gets a month off as paternity leave and it really helps them to grow closer and helps them bond as a small family.

Leo is an angel baby, who quickly falls into a Santiago style schedule. He looks almost identical to how Amy looked as a baby, except his hair has soft curls in it and the shape of his lips is different to hers.

Amy can’t help but notice how Teddy is struggling to bond with Leo, like he’s holding a complete strangers baby. He’s been nervous to be a father, she knows he’s tried to hide it - but even with no memory of their relationship he is very easy to read. She knows he’s trying though.

Leo has been the only thing keeping her from drowning in her overwhelmed feelings. Since he’s arrived she’s been happier than she’s felt in a long time.

Amy is happy.

+

Jake is depressed.

They’re a week into the new year and he feels like he’s dragging himself from place to place. He had been doing well until December came around and he had to face the holidays without Amy by his side. He rang in the new year in their apartment, multiple empty beer bottles on the coffee table in front of him and one in hand - and he tried not to think about her. He really tired, but then he thought about his friends who were spending the holidays with their own families.

Jake went back to work the next day while most of their squad took it off. He mostly just sits at his desk, reading case files over and over to make sense of them. Detective work doesn’t bring him the same joy it used to - he keeps staring at what used to be Amy’s desk. If he was able to distract himself with a case, it was usually to easy. The criminals in Brooklyn had become predictable to him.

It’s not until Holt assigns him a missing persons case that he truly becomes invested in his work again. Jake is told to study the case file now because the missing persons husband was coming in for questioning as an obvious suspect to their disappearance.

He’s instantly hooked onto every word the file says. Johanna Rapley, 29, married, missing for 24 hours. Kindergarten teacher, no children. Been with her husband for 6 years. Phone, wallet and keys left in their apartment with no signs of struggle or anything that would connote a robbery.

It takes him less than a minute to start comparing. Amy Santiago, 35, married (technically?), missing for almost 8 months. Police sergeant, no children. Been with her husband (technically?) for 3 years.

Whether it’s easy or not, Jake knows he will be obsessed with this case because he can relate . Amy was declared deceased long ago and as far as everyone knows, he’s dropped the case. But on a rare, more sad night, he will pour over it and convince himself that she’s not dead - just missing. He knows that the longer a person has been missing, the more likely they are to be dead. His gut tells him otherwise, but he’s beginning to not trust it because he knows that logically, Amy is gone.

Nick, Johanna’s husband, comes in and he is very clearly stressed about being there. Their new Captain’s assistant takes the man to the interrogation room and he allows him to stew for a minute or so as Jake gathers himself.

“Nicholas Rapley, how are you today?” Jake huffs, dropping himself into the seat across from him and opening the file.

“My wife is missing, so not great.” He crosses his arms, a very defensive stance.

“You might know that in missing persons cases like these, the husband is always usually the main suspect.”

“Yeah I’ve seen cop shows. But I guarantee I have no clue what happened. The last time I saw Jo was before I left for work.” There’s an honesty in his eyes that Jake wants to believe him, but he’s a cop and he has to keep his mind open. “You need to believe me. I love her more than anything.”

“You can love someone and something in you snaps that makes you do something to hurt those you love.”

“Well I didn’t. I’m so afraid of never seeing her again; I want to hear her laugh again, to bake while she’s dancing in our kitchen covered in flour. I’m scared.” Distress is radiating off Nick, and he takes a quick glance at Jake’s hand, before continuing. “You’re married. You can understand that right?”

Jake is tense as he looks down at his left hand, where his wedding band remains. “Yes. I understand.”

+

He puts his entire soul into finding this man’s wife. It takes him until the beginning of March, whoever had done this took careful steps.

But finally Jake tracks down his perp, an ex boyfriend who has been reported but not convicted for sexual assault in the past. He’s picked up by police officers over in Boston, and it’s a long trip to pick him up but he needs it. This case is important and he needs to complete it himself.

The drive up is quiet, and it reminds him of the time he and Amy had to transfer a perp back to the 99. This trip would be infinity times better if she were there with him, they could have made it a nice little vacation - he had never been to Boston. There was no time for it now, no need for it. He didn’t want to see Boston if Amy wasn’t with him.

Jake isn’t expecting much from this trip at all, so when he arrives at the precinct the last thing expects is to be greeted by Captain Teddy Wells. He immediately doesn’t want to be there; he wants to take Max Soleo and get back home to Brooklyn. But Teddy is just as shocked to see him, and for a moment they’re just staring at each other.

“Hello Jake, uh, how are you?” Teddy stands up and walks around to shake his hand.

“Hey, yeah I’m okay.” Jake accepts his hand awkwardly, “I heard about your promotion to Captain here. Congrats.”

“Yeah thanks.” Teddy looks down at his feet for a moment, “How have things been? Since…?”

“Things are fine. We don’t need to talk about it.” Jake is completely tense with his arms crossed, “I’m glad things are going well for you.”

“Thanks man! I actually just had a baby a few months ago.” He picks up a photo from his desk, which shows a chubby smiling baby. “He looks exactly like his mom though, but I love him.”

Jake is too upset to actually look at the picture properly, he spots dark curly hair and brown eyes but he looks away. Why does Teddy get to find someone and have a baby with them and be happy ? Jake has had the only person who was truly important to him in his life taken away from him and he believes he’ll never be happy again and here Teddy is babbling on about his kid (Leo, he catches, good name) and how he laughed for the first time this week.

“That’s great Teddy. I’m sorry but I’m on a tight schedule so if we could get back to business.” Jake feels dizzy as Teddy begin to talk fast about the transfer of the prisoner and he just needs to get out quick before he loses his mind.

The rest of the case is a blur. As always, his brain takes this new information and shoves it deep down - his focus on the case more intense and obsessive than ever. He takes the perp back to Brooklyn, interrogates him with a new fire in him, finds Nick’s wife’s mangled body in a river, breaks the news to him. He fills the paper work in record time, and has it on Captain Holt’s desk before his shift is done. After Holt thanks him, Jake wipes his hands against his pants.

“What do you need, Peralta?” He looks up from the laptop on his desk with a curious glance, “Are you doing okay?”

“No.” Jake huffs, “I’m quitting the NYPD.”

“Would you like to repeat yourself?” Holt closes his laptop, his focus completely on him.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’m not happy in this job anymore, and this last case was too much for me.” Jake runs his hand through his fluffy curls, “I’ve thought through it.”

“Why don’t you just transfer? That seems far more responsible than just quitting.” Holt says, full of emotion in his own bland way. “It’s going to get easier, Jake.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that but it’s been almost a year and it hasn’t.” Jake shouts, “I can’t do this job anymore, she’s everywhere .

“What are you going to do? What is your plan?” Holt is leaning forward, almost looking desperate, “At least if you stay here you will have something to do.”

“I’m not sure, but I’ve made up my mind. ” Holt stands as Jake removes his badge and gun and places them quietly on the desk in front of him. Jake allows Holt to wrap him in a tight hug as he lets the tears fall. “I’m sorry.”

“We’re here for you, always.”

~

Jake has been haunting Amy since that dream. She had convinced herself that it was a weird pregnancy dream, but months later the same dream appears.

It leaves her confused and anxious when she's awoken by Leo for his perfectly scheduled second feed of the night. What is worse is that after he's been fed - he begins to smile up at her.

Leo is an extremely happy baby - he will smile at any stranger that he makes contact with and it's fairly easy to make him laugh. His joy is a positive influence to everybody that meets him and he's only 6 months old.

This all freaks her out because when he smiles up at Amy - she feels this odd pang of familiarity. It was a smile that gave off the same warmth that she felt when Jake smiled at her in her dream.

And Leo bares zero resemblance to Teddy.

She never thought too much into it - that maybe Leo was just her twin. The fact that this dream has occurred twice is making her truly wonder if it's actually a memory. That could be so vital into finding out more about the 4 years she lost.

But if it were a memory - what would that mean for her and Teddy? They had just decided on their 5 year plan - after Leo turns one they were going to find a house to grow their family in, and once they settled and Leo was a bit older they were going to begin trying for another baby. Hopefully by the time their new baby would arrive she will have passed her lieutenants exam.

If she had cheated on him, possibly even had an affair that landed her pregnant - what would that do to them? Was this the ‘fight’ that estranged her and Jake? Did Teddy lie to her and say that he didn't know what the fight was about? Amy can feel her temples begin to throb with the familiar headache of when she tries to deal with her lost memories.

Her fingers idly stroke Leo's soft curls as she tries to bring herself down from her spiral. Amy isn't sure when Teddy appears in the doorway but she is certain he witnessed her entire freakout from the look on his face.

"What's wrong, honey?" Teddy kneels in front of her and tightly grasps her free hand.

"I need to ask you something." Amy breathes deeply before continuing. "Did Jake and I have an affair?"

"Excuse me?" Teddy's eyes almost pop out of his head, and she can feel the guilt about to swallow her whole.

"I had this dream, and this was back when I was still pregnant. Jake and I were on an undercover mission and we kissed a few times, and then again in the evidence lockup…For realz." Amy looks down at Leo again, her fingers moving from his hair to his soft cheeks. "I wouldn't think much of it but it felt so real and at the time it was the only thing that made sense in my life."

"That sounds like crazy pregnancy dreams, Ames. You would tell me if you kissed Jake, even for work." Teddy shakes his head and stands up, "Why would a silly dream lead you to believe that?"

"Like I said ever since the accident, that dream is the only thing that made sense to me. Plus you said he and I had a huge fight, what if us having an affair was the cause of said fight?" Amy looks up at Teddy before looking at Leo again. "And… Everytime Leo smiles, it reminds me of Jake…"

She trails off, her eyes still trained on Leo as an excuse not to look at Teddy and his reaction. "Do you know how fucking ridiculous you sound right now!?" Teddy has gone from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds and is full blown yelling. "Leo is my son!"

Amy stands up from her nursing couch and places Leo back in his crib before dragging him out into the hallway. "If we're going to fight at least have the common decency to not to do it in front of a baby." Amy growls, "Look, I don't have any idea of what I am talking about. I have no clue of the past 4 years and I am just so confused ! Teddy I'm trying to understand."

"And you came to the conclusion that you had an affair with Jake and that I'm not the father of our baby?"

"Teddy, I-"

"Amy I've had enough. I'm sorry you're confused and still scared, but that kid is mine ." His hands grip onto her shoulders tighter than necessary, "I love you and I have complete faith that you just had a crazy pregnancy dream and have never cheated."

"I feel so stupid - I just want to remember and be at peace with that part of my life."

"I can't even begin to imagine how you feel." Amy buries herself into his arms. "But this is a low blow, because I know us and I know you wouldn't do that to us ."

"I'm sorry for considering that Leo is anything but your son. I just got freaked out and made strange links, I knew they were insane." Amy pulls back to make sure he knows how much she means it, "We can't pretend everything is perfect but I love you so much Teddy."

"Don't worry about it. It's you and me forever."

~

Living without her memories becomes easier as time passes. It doesn't come up in conversation everyday anymore, only on occasion when someone asks her about it. Amy has her life with Teddy and Leo to move on with - she can't be stuck in the past with Leo growing so quickly.

Leo is six and a half months old when Amy goes back to work. It was an important part of moving on with her life, going back to feeling normal. She had to transfer to a new precinct as her old one wasn’t able to wait for her - and it would be great to have her space from Teddy. Working with her partner sounds like a pain, especially when a higher rank than herself.

It’s weird; Amy is now the sergeant of the detective squad, and all she can pick out are the similarities between her new coworkers and her old friend. Det. Simpson and Det. Louis are as imcompetent as Hitchcock and Scully however they aren’t lactose intolerant so they don’t fart as much. Det. Ravis loves food almost as much as Amy remembers Charles loving it, but she doesn’t like dogs at all . Det. Lani is almost a mix of Gina and Rosa - but he’s a dude, and significantly less threatening in every way possible.

Det. Cowen is the only one Amy can’t place with anyone she knew in her old squad. Cowen is a shy and quiet girl when she first meets her, but she seems very focused. During the day Amy discovers that she’s the joker; it’s in a very subtle way but she makes everyone around her laugh. Amy wants to say she reminds her of Jake, but she remembers him as exuberant and wanting to make a fool of himself at any given time - but there’s something about Cowen that seems almost sad in everything she does.

She later discovers that this energy is for a reason. Their captain informs Amy that months earlier, Det. Cowen had lost her long time girlfriend to cancer. She can’t explain with it resonates so deeply with her but losing a loved one is painful and imagining losing her parents over again makes her own heart ache.

It’s her priority to make sure her first case assigned is with Cowen - there’s a part of Amy that is pulled towards her, like she’s important for her.

They click right away; it’s light hearted and fun working with Christina. She doesn’t take note right away of the way her goofiness reminds her of someone back where her heart remains. Christina shares her anguish of losing her girlfriend, and Amy opens up about her memory loss and the accident. It’s the most normal she feels when she doesn’t have Leo by her side, and it’s a great feeling to have again.

Her need to return to New York dwindles away as she becomes closer with her squad and as her son grows; she truly feels like everything is right in her world.

+

May 15th rolls around too quickly for Jake��s liking.

He’s gotten into a routine of sorts; he stays up until 3 in the morning, sleeps until 11 then rushes to go wait on stupid tables for 12 hours. On his nights off he spends alone and it’s not always sad - and sometimes even his mom will come over and watch Die Hard.

He is okay.

A month into his new routine, Rosa and Charles tried to convince him to come back to his old job - that he will be happy again. He tells them how he needs this, he needs something different to simply forget. They don’t find out about his increasing drink intakes for another month and when they do he pushes them away for good. The less reminder of Amy, the better.

Jake is doing just fine.

They continue to try to help him, but he doesn’t answer their calls anymore because he just wants to forget. His friends’ constant pity and help is as if they’re screaming ‘ AMY IS DEAD ’ into his ear.

Now it’s been exactly a year since it happened.

And he still misses her; it feels as if she’s the sun and he hasn’t felt warmth since the sun went down. Jake’s mind still betrays him some nights and tries to convince himself that Amy is alive; and his gut in those moments goes crazy but he learnt to stop listening to it.

Amy is dead.

And what if she isn’t?

Jake can’t be surprised that the anniversary of the incident is one of the what if days. “Jake stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it-”

He’s dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, forcing the images of the day away from his mind. Flashes of her white dress, flowers, her smile, and the sounds of an explosion and building collapsing. Amy - bleeding - “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

Jake’s breath is coming up short and he doesn’t notice the door open or his old boss until he’s on the floor with him. He’s had anxiety attacks before, and frequently since the accident but he’s never felt more like he’s dying than in this moment. He can’t hear a word that Holt is saying to him - he doesn’t care to hear it. Jake just wants to hear Amy’s voice again.

It’s a while before he’s able to breathe properly again, but he doesn’t try to stop the tears. He knows Holt is trying to talk to him again but his grief is so intense that it’s blocking out the noise. It feels just as raw a year later, the pain so overwhelming like he’s falling down a never ending hole.

It’s because she’s not dead .

He covers his ears as if it could shut his inner thoughts up. “Jake, you know it’s not possible. Even if she had lost her memory we would have heard from her through her family, or she would have shown up somewhere.” Holt tells him sadly; he wasn’t aware he was saying any of this out loud.

“My heart and gut try to tell me she’s alive a lot. I know it’s not really possible after a year, but it always comes back.” Jake whines, trying to control his breathing again. “I want it to fuck off, I want to feel okay again.”

“I want to help anyway I can so-”

“Don’t say it.” Jake growls. There’s only so many times he can hear ‘it will get easier’ or ‘you will be happy again’ without his head exploding.

“I wasn’t going to.” Holt adjusts himself so that they’re facing each other now, “Things are different now. The loss of Amy is something that will affect you forever. But you know she would want you to be happy - this isn’t what she would want.”

“Get out.” Jake stands up, “You started off on the right note but then you think you can decide what Amy would want. Get out.”

“Okay, I respect you decision. We love and miss you dearly, Jake. See you next week.”

With that he’s alone again. Until Holt comes back for his weekly check up.

~

For Leo’s first birthday, they decide to make a trip down to New York. It was conveniently the same time as the annual NY Cop Con and they figure it would be nice to take him to the place they fell in love even if he won’t remember it later.

At the first sight of the city, Amy feels an intense warmth of home in her chest. She was home. Leo begins to wake up at this time as well and begins babbling to himself and she begins teaching him all about her old home in Brooklyn.

“I hope we’ll actually have time to go to Brooklyn.” Teddy tells her, “We have a jam packed weekend.”

“We talked about this, Teddy, we have to make time. It could help with my memories.” Amy frowns deeply, “Everyone I know has suggested me coming back here, and we’re finally here you have to give me a chance.”

“If we have time.” Teddy looks almost angry, like she had said the worst thing possible to him.

The silence is tense for a few more minutes before he takes her hand in his and smiles at her softly. They spend most of the ride like that and his anger dissipates on his face but she can still feel it in how tightly he is holding her hand. Amy is used to his tight grip by now, and she understands his need to hold her so aggressively since she almost died.

Once they arrived at their hotel and Leo is down for the night, Amy allows herself to relax on the balcony with Teddy.

“Boston is a wonderful city, but nothing will ever beat a New York skyline.” Amy sighs happily, “It’s such a beautiful view.”

“Not as beautiful as you.” Teddy laughs along with her softly, kissing her forehead.

“Don’t be so cheesy.” Amy blushes, leaning into his side more.

“I love you, Amy. No matter what.” Teddy mumbles, “I want you to always know that.”

She turns around, confused but happy as her hand rests on his cheek leaning up to kiss him. “I love you Teddy. No matter what.”

~

Amy feels particularly uneasy when Teddy leaves her to go hang out with his old precinct for the rest of the day. Leo is refusing to stay in his stroller so he’s slowing her down significantly as she walks from stall to stall, holding his hand. She can feel a familiar headache growing in her head, and she just needs Leo to be quiet so she can see the new tech and go back to their hotel so she can rest .

She is entranced by a new display of bomb suits, she doesn’t notice the magnetising effect it has on her and she definitely doesn’t hear the man explaining what was new about them.

There’s a flash of Teddy in a bomb suit and Jake next to her in a neat tuxedo. Amy feels the room begin to spin around her before she falls to the ground and she can hear Leo start screaming before everything goes dark.

-

“Thank you for doing this. I love you”

“Noice... smort…

I love you too.”

-

Her eyes open for another moment and Rosa’s concerned expression appears in her vision before she blacks out again.

-

“Look, you can’t be afraid to be successful, you’re too good for that.”

“I love you.”

-

“Amy Santiago will you… Marry me?”

“Surprise.”

-

The images flash through her head so quickly, yet she remembers every detail of it all. The final memory she know will haunt her for the rest of her life.

Jake lying just feet from her with blood streaming steadily from a wound on his head and a large piece of rubble crushing his rib cage. Amy reaches for him but pain in her shoulder stops her from reaching fully. “Jake, I love you.” Amy whispers, a single tear mixing with the dirt on her face.

“We’re going to be okay, Amy.” Jake gasps in pain as he reaches the rest of the way to hold her hand, “I love you Amy.”

It’s not long before they see a fireman running into the building, moving to take the larger pieces of rubble off Jake’s chest. “Take her, get Amy. Get her first.” Jake wheezes, squeezing Amy’s hand.

“Sir, you are likely severely injured. We have more men searching and we will have her out in no time.” The man begins to pick up Jake, and he groans loudly in pain, continuing to beg the man to take Amy and not him.

“I love you, it’s okay.” Amy tries to reassure him as he begins to cry weakly. “We’re going to be okay.”

Jake finally concedes, letting the fireman take him away. It’s not a minute later when Teddy comes into her fading vision. “Amy I’m getting you out of here.” Teddy wastes no time in carefully lifting her off the ground.

“Jake…” She can see Teddy’s mouth moving and he’s talking to keep her awake but she’s fading so quickly. The last thing she sees before complete darkness is fire, and Teddy carrying her out of the wrong exit.

-

When she comes back to, Leo is giggling and slapping her arm. “Mamamamama!” He’s squealing when she opens her eyes, the lights overwhelming her senses.

“Hey Leo baby.” Amy grins softly before examining her surroundings, realising she was still in the Cop Con venue laid out on a couch in a separate room.

“You’re dead.” Amy jumps at the sound of Rosa’s shaky voice, “There was no substantial evidence of you possibly dying but we couldn’t find you so they pronounced you dead .”

Amy sits up slowly, her head throbbing intensely. She looks to her old friend who looks completely on the verge of breaking down, and Amy’s own heart breaks for her. They embrace tightly; she can hear Rosa begin to cry quietly and Amy can’t help herself either, especially after Leo attempts to join but gets frustrated when there’s no room for him.

“He…” Rosa stares at the boy as she separates herself, “Jake?”

“Yeah, there’s no doubt about that now.” Amy laughs, “I’ve spent the last year thinking I had an affair with Jake; it’s been a weird year.”

“What happened? If you’re feeling up to tell me.” Rosa hesitates, looking between Leo and Amy.

“Teddy happened.” Amy shrugs, “When I woke up… He told me there was a fire, to explain the burns and a broken leg, lucky for him that I lost my memory.”

“The bastard .” Rosa growls, “You’ve been gone for a year and a half when you should have been home here. Where is Teddy?”

“He said he was going out with his old precinct.” Amy takes Leo into her arms as she speaks so he doesn’t hurt himself, “Um, Rosa, is Jake here?”

“No.” Rosa cringes, a sad look in her eyes, “Jake quit 9 months ago. He kind of pushed us away.”

Amy finds herself beginning to cry again as Rosa tells her about the grief he went through since he woke up. Her husband , quit his dream job, because he couldn’t cope with the reminders of her. “We need to find him.” Amy says desperately, “I need to see him.”

“Amy, before I do that we need to call for backup so we can arrest Teddy.”

“But Jake-”

“Come on, I’m going to take you back to mine and Gina’s place and we can figure it out from there.” Rosa offers to help Amy as she stands, “We have to move quick. Teddy has held you unknowingly captive for over a year, we have no idea what he’ll do if you go missing.”

~

Rosa looks over at Amy every once in a while on the cab ride home, likely still completely shocked that she has believed Amy was dead for a year and a half. It’s hard for her to process as well, her family was actually alive and her friends didn’t forget her; most importantly her best friend didn’t hate her and just thought she was dead like the rest of them.

When they arrive at Rosa’s apartment, she asks her to remain in the front area while she explains everything to Gina. She hears their general chatter, then silence followed by glass shattering on the ground and footsteps rushing towards Amy.

Gina freezes when she spots Amy, jaw dropping slowly as her eyes move between Amy and Leo. For a few moments she examines them quietly before finally whispering, “When was he born?”

“November 26.” Amy replies quietly.

“A s-sagittarius.” Gina croaks, opening her arms as she walks towards Amy, “He will probably fight with Iggy a lot but it’s nothing we can’t work through.”

Amy laughs as Gina wraps her in a tight hug. “Hi Gina.”

Gina starts to cry as well, which she honestly doesn’t expect. “I can’t believe it. This is like some fever dream.” Gina laughs brokenly, “I missed you, Arnie.”

“I missed that awful nickname.” Amy agrees as they seperate. Leo yawns in that moment and rests his head against Amy’s shoulder. “Is there somewhere I can put him down for a nap?”

When Amy exits their guest bedroom, Leo happily sleeping in the makeshift cot made of pillows, Rosa is on the phone with who she assumes is backup.

“She’s calling back up then going to get her gear and head off.” Gina confirms, “Now I know you will probably want to find Jake, but we need to stay safe here until Teddy is in custody, don’t want to risk anything.” “I understand obviously.” Amy nods fiercely as her mind races. “I don’t know what I’m going to say. How do you approach someone who thinks you have been dead for a year and a half?”

“Jake never gave up on you.” Gina says quietly, “Holt told us he said that his always gut told him that you were alive, but he convinced himself it was his brain trying to trick him.”

“I had the same feeling, about the one memory that came back before Leo was born. Both myself and Teddy tried to convince me it was my pregnancy brain but it always came back up.” Amy shakes her head, “I feel so angry that this happened. Surely we’ve been through enough.”

“I think the universe is now legally obligated to leave you two alone now.”

~

Amy is caught up with the entire year and a half in their squad while the mission to arrest Teddy is underway; Holt became commissioner, Gina left the 99 to chase her dreams and Terry finally passed his Lieutenants exam were a few of the highlights. When the door opens suddenly, Amy jumps to her feet not knowing what to expect but relaxes when she feels Charles crash into her and immediately sobbing.

“Hey Boyle, how are you?” Amy chuckles, patting his back lightly. When she looks up again, Holt is standing there; emotion for once very evident in his features. Boyle lets her go and she rushes to her mentor crushing him too in a long hug.

“It’s good to see you alive and well, Amy.” He has to clear his throat to compose himself before continuing. “Jake is still located at the apartment you shared. I’m afraid it’s a mess last time I was there, but he’s there nonetheless.”

The drive to her apartment is the strangest feeling. Amy leaves Leo with Gina and Rosa, and Holt fills him in on the arrest of Teddy; he apparently gave in easy once he saw her squad walking into the bar he was situated - drunk out of his mind. She doesn’t care to listen so much because all she can focus on is Jake.

~

Holt offers to come up with her, to maybe ease Jake into the news, but she insists on going alone. Amy needs to see Jake with absolutely no distractions around them - so she can hug and kiss him, so they can cry together if needed. So they can be together .

Amy stands outside the front door for way too long making sure she can breathe properly. She finally knocks. Words escape her as soon as she saw his face, cheeks sunken in slightly and hair wilder than she can imagine. The tiredness on his face screams at her, like he knows nothing else but that.

He closes his eyes for a split second before opening them again and smiling, “Am I dead ?”

“Wh-what?” Amy stummers quietly, eyebrows cinching together.

“I must be dead, and you’re here to take me home. To the afterlife or whatever.” Jake’s chin quivers as tears begin streaming down his face, “I missed you so much, Ames.”

“Neither of us are dead, Jake.” Amy says, “It’s such a long story Jake, but I was never dead.”

Amy is ready for when Jake falls forward in shock. The extra muscle built from carrying a 1 year old around kicks in, helping her to drag Jake to the couch to lay down. It’s easy to remember where everything is, and she has a damp towel and cup of water ready for him quickly.

The closer she looks at him, the more she sees Leo. His skin complexion, nose, eye and hair colour are identical to hers, but everything else she sees is Jake. She begins to cry out of anger at everything Teddy had done to them, and how this would affect their lives forever.

“Is it really you, Amy? I don’t want this to be another dream. I can’t handle another dream like this.” Jake begins to cry in earnest as soon as he opens his eyes again.

“You’re awake, this isn’t a dream, I’m here.” Amy cries softly alongside him, her hand above his heart. “The nightmare is over.”

“Kiss me.” Jake hiccups, “Dream Amy never kisses me.”

Amy does so with no hesitation, warmth fills her entire soul as their lips finally meet. She’s home.

Once they part, he jumps off the couch and pulls her in for the tightest hug of them all. “I knew you were alive! You’re really alive!” He’s shouting so joyfully, and she can see the light returning to his eyes. “Amy, god, I love you so much. I missed you.”

He’s kissing her again; her face, nose, lips, jaw. Amy can’t help the purely happy giggles that escape her mouth before she kisses him again - the joy too difficult to express with words in that moment - and it doesn’t take long for it to escalate to a point where they need to move. There’s no need for explanations in that moment, only time for the two of them.

~

Reality comes crashing down on their reunion bubble when she sees that Rosa has called her twice in the past half hour. “Ames, what’s up?” Jake sits up to rest his head on her shoulder as she reads the few texts sent.

“There’s one thing I do need to tell you now.” Amy straightens herself and turns to face him.

“What is it?” Jake looks mildly concerned, but the happiness still mostly radiates off him.

“We have a kid.” Amy keeps her eye contact and her voice calm, “His name is Leo, and he was born November 26, 2018. It was a miracle he survived the ordeal, but he did and he’s the most perfect baby.”

“Leo.” Jake tests out it for himself, a smile growing quickly, “You massive nerd. You named him after a ninja turtle.”

“I literally had a dream about the ninja turtles and even if I didn’t remember it at the time, it was definitely your influence.” Amy laughs, “Rosa says he won’t go back to sleep. He needs me.”

“I would love to come… And meet him, y’know.” Jake says eagerly, before retreating shyfully and shrugging, “I should probably apologise to everyone for my behaviour as well.”

“You don’t need to apologise, they understand.” Amy assures him, “You’re feelings were completely valid.”

“I love you.” Jake sighs, leaning over to kiss her once more.

“I love you too. Now get some clothes on, our son needs us.”

+

Amy tells him all about Leo on the drive back to Rosa’s. He’s apparently a very happy baby, smiles at everyone - even when he’s cranky he will laugh for the sake of laughing.

He’s almost certain that Leo is the same baby Teddy had been bragging about months earlier, especially since learning the whole story. If Jake hadn’t been feeling so extremely exuberant about seeing Amy again, he would have definitely gone to where Teddy was being held and punch him a few times. One day he’ll tell Amy about those dark days, but he was about to meet his son, so it definitely wasn’t the right time.

Leo is screaming when they enter Rosa’s apartment hands held tightly. She’s the first to let go so she can rush to take Leo out of Gina’s grasp. Jake watches as Amy is quickly able to cool down the cries of the small child, and not a few moments later she has him giggling as she had told him. His heart fills with a newfound love he thought in his darkest days that he would never experience again.

But he is. His family standing right in front of him, and he almost feels like it’s a dream again before Amy beacons him closer and he takes in every feature, so he can never possibly forget this moment. “Hey Leo.” Jake laughs awkwardly, “Cool name. Um, I’m your dad. You can’t really understand what I’m saying but I don’t think that matters right now.”

Leo lets out a small giggle at his awkwardness, and Jake can’t help the enormous grin that appears on his face. Amy’s smile is just as bright, and she offers to hand him over. Jake feels awkward still when holding him, but Amy assures him that he’s doing fine and Leo seems comfortable enough.

Completely entranced by Leo, he doesn’t notice Rosa and Gina leave the room, and Amy is staring at him with utmost adoration. She then starts mentioning scrapbooking and catching up with family photos so they can really make up for lost time.

It’s not long before she cuddles up to his side, and both Leo and Amy fall asleep on him. He decides in the moment before he falls asleep, that if this were a dream, it was the best one yet.

~

It’s no trouble to delay Leo’s birthday plans. The next morning they spend together as a family, and Amy goes over his first year in photos and videos. It’s their chance to catch up more before they have to go back to reality.

Reality being telling her parents that she’s alive and has a baby. Dealing with the emotions of their grief over again, and having to explain how Teddy accomplished such a feat -

Overnight they had gotten a full signed confession. How he had planted the bomb, and taken Amy out in the midst of the chaos. Teddy’s plan of staying in New York for the months she recovered and to establish a sense of innocence. His deleting all their personal information online and having multiple burner phones to feign contact with her brothers as to not seem overly suspicious. He’d also explained how lucky he was that she had forgotten her relationship with Jake and that his plan relied heavily on any sort of memory loss.

- It was a lot for all the people in her life to take in, but they got through it. Christmas doesn’t help them settle as easy as they would want, but Jake becomes accustomed with his father duties and Amy settles back into New York. Their jobs at the 99 were still available for them to start in the next year - all they had to do was be ready.  

They deal with legal matters; Amy giving her full side to the story. Reliving it is painful now with her real memories and her real husband by her side. But Jake is there, and he’s supportive as ever.

By the new year, they were finally ready to celebrate their sons first birthday. Leo won’t remember this day at all, but they make a big deal out of it anyway. If her whole family, including Leo’s father, had to miss out on his first year then she would make it a big damn party.

Her entire family and their work family manage to fit into a cheap rental since it was too cold to host in a park. Even Christine drives down from Boston to celebrate Leo, and watching her with Jake truly emphasises the similarities between them.

Everyone knows the celebration is bigger than Leo - there’s tears and speeches and children’s games. There’s gifts for Leo then gifts for both Jake and Amy. It’s the wedding reception they never got mixed with Leo’s first birthday. The photos with the blue and yellow streamers and balloons in the background of a smiling family are the ones that are engraved in their memories forever - hung in their homes and sitting on their desks.

No one speaks of the grief they experienced, only of the joy the future holds for their family.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #193

“i’m stronger than i ever knew; i’m strong because of you.”

What’s one item the dollar store is good for? Candy. What’s the last thing you made out of construction paper? A "cover" for Sara's first V-Day present. What’s the last thing that inspired you? I'm not sure, really. Probably some video. Are you a daredevil? No. What’s one thing you are lazy about? Cleaning. Do you prefer tea to be cold or hot? Tea is a no from me. Do you ever get annoyed by the stupid decisions characters make in books? Not really annoyed, seeing as making mistakes is sometimes a necessity to the plot, but I'm more like, "no one would ever do that irl," especially in the horror genre. What’s one thing that’s annoying you about the book you’re reading now? N/A What’s the most boring thing about your life right now? You would almost assume I'm under house arrest because I can never leave my fucking house. What could make your life more interesting? Being in school, have a job, or have Sara live here. Name someone you know who is truly happy. My nephew. He's only two, but. I have never seen a happier human being. Do you have trouble letting friends go when you need to? It depends. Do you have trouble letting things go? Depends as well. How cluttered is your apartment/house/room? My room's decent, but the majority of the house is kinda messy or just unorganized. Do you have any antique furniture? No. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a purse? Idk, certainly not much. Where would be the most fun place to do a 24 hour challenge in, do you think? Probably an amusement park. Would be creepy as fuck at night too, and I'd liiive for it. What’s something you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t got around to yet? A lot... like resume studying German. I haven't decided to yet because I question the real usefulness of it; I want to go to Germany, but that may never happen, and I could probably manage just enough with what I know. It may end up just being wasted time and effort. What was the best class trip you have ever been on? 5th grade visit to the zoo. Did you have your own room as a child? No, I shared it with Nicole. Maybe Ashley was with us for a while before being given her own room? Idr. Have you ever shared a room? See above, then with Jason in the old apartment. If so, was having a roommate hard for you? As a young kid, Nicole and I liked sharing a room, but as I especially got older, I really wanted my own. With Jason, no. Do you own a lot of clothes that don’t fit you anymore? Yes, some I hope to shrink back into or are just stored for nostalgia. Where do you donate old clothes? Goodwill and some other place idr. Do you enjoy antique stores? Oh. My. God. Yes. What are five things you inherited from your mom? Somewhat slower metabolism I think, depression, are seasonal allergies genetic?, height, and hair thickness. What are five things you inherited from your dad? PACING, this little short huff-ish laugh thing he does at the end of some sentences, no common sense whatsofuckingever, and enjoying games. Do you enjoy grocery shopping? Noooo. Do you enjoy clothes shopping? Only at stores I like, and if I don't have to try things on. Do you own footie pajamas? Omg nooooo, haven't since I was a kid. They had to be so uncomfortable. Which America’s Got Talent Golden Buzzer performance was your favorite? I haven't seen/remember enough. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? I did religiously until Sharon left. If you were to host a '90s party, which 3 shows would you like to run? That '70s Show, Full House, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. What was your favorite thing you collected as a child? Webkinz. I was that one kid who had dozens. Whose house was your first sleepover at? My first best friend, Brianna's. If you had a daughter, would you allow sleepovers? Of course with girls, but I probably wouldn't allow a boy to stay overnight until she was at least 16 due to the risk of her getting pregnant. Which do you like better, your first name or your middle name? My first. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Oh, video games and TV shows definitely have. There must be plenty of other things, but. Blanking. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? N/A; I wouldn't enjoy an extreme lack of work, but definitely some time to like wander around the Internet and such. Having too little would be super boring, and I'd feel very unproductive. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I felt horrible when I found out Mom's been legitimately uneased before because of how loudly I can scream at Bentley and/or Teddy when I'm really pissed. I've been working on it since then. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) Above all, I need to be reminded that you love me, that you're not leaving (unless of course there's good reason to), AND THAT MY ILLNESSES AREN'T BECOMING TOO OVERWHELMING. As well, with how I physically am now, I need to know that my weight doesn't bother you. That's all I can think of atm. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I admit I speak before I think and can be very snappy and sarcastic. I become extremely pessimistic and cry easier than I already do. My stability in general is very fragile when I'm struggling. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? WEANING. I never would've survived dropping soda (for the time I did) if I hadn't weaned down. Well, quitting meat cold turkey during my vegetarian phase was easy, but most things, I'd still say weaning. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I wouldn't want huge dogs due to so much energy, nor would I want arachnids or insects. Or fish because they bore me so it just feels like a total chore to clean the tank. I wouldn't want most birds due to all the noise. Also not interested in blood pythons, as they're notorious for being aggressive. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yup. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't think so for either. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Achieve complete financial comfort. If I don't, after how I've grown up, I will be borderline (if not seriously) devastated and disappointed in myself. I also put immense pressure, an amount I know is unhealthy, on myself about losing weight, and if I don't achieve that, I don't know what I'd do. I've worked and still work so hard to. If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? In the beginning of mine and Jason's relationship, it was casually mentioned I didn't want children while he did, but we didn't worry about that at the time as we had a long time to figure that out. I later decided I wanted kids together, anyway... Would you ever believe I wanted three back then???? If you have favorite names or names picked out for your children, where did you learn of the names or when did you fall in love with them? I can't remember where I heard Alessandra, but I immediately thought it was gorgeous. I fell in love with Damien because of fucking Mayor Damien from Who Killed Markiplier? Yes, I would absolutely name my son after a Markiplier character, fight me about it. What is one item that you have recently been coveting? Do you think that you will actually get it? Why/why not? A new laptop more than anything... and soon. Dad's working on it as a Christmas + birthday present. Do you still have both of your parents? They're alive, but divorced. Do you like being sensually bitten? UGGGHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. If you wear eyeliner, what color do you use? Only ever black. How many colors are in your hair right now? One, but with natural highlights and undertones. Do you have your full license yet? No. Working on it. Are you into gory movies? If the gore is a realistic amount. Have you ever been locked in a room forcefully without anyone knowing? No. Do you have the same color eyes as your mother? No. Does your significant other boss you around a lot? No. Have you ever been drunk? If so, do you get drunk regularly? No. Do you consider yourself a loner or a social butterfly? A loner, but I'm sincerely trying to branch out at least some. Have you ever been put to sleep for surgery? Yes. What is your favorite online smiley face to you? I like ;v; but rarely use it because people can't seem to decide if it's an extremely happy and teary face (what I see) or a sad one???? What is something that freaks you out no matter what? OH GOD thought of this because I passed a video of a pregnant sphynx on FB today. I. Cannot. See a fetus moving from the outside of its mother's stomach. It absolutely, thoroughly horrifies me to the point I may scream. It's one of the million reasons, if not the main reason, I never want to be pregnant and why I say pregnancy would likely traumatize me, especially feeling it. Are the lights in your room more dim or bright? I'd say my ceiling lamp is a tad dimmer? Do you take a lot of photos? No. I'd take far more "photography" pictures if I actually had things to and a way to get around... When you were little, did you think band-aids healed everything? Maybe? Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? A completely unrealistic one. I just missed my period one month, I guess out of stress, a change in meds, something like that, and I was panicking that it was a pre-cum pregnancy, even with protection (aka, thin underwear, which sperm can't travel through). I was an anxious mess until my period did come around. Anxiety is fun. Do you have freckles? If so, do you enjoy them or hate them? I don't. Where do you download music from? YouTube. Do you have a laptop, desktop or both? A laptop. If you have a job, do you work with any of your friends? Do you like that job? N/A When did you last look in a mirror? Last time I was in the bathroom. What are you most known for? Probably that I'm very reserved and anxious. What was the last movie you bought for yourself to watch? I don't think I've ever bought a movie myself. If you have any animals, do any of them live in the house with you? They all do. Would you rather have curly or straight hair? Straight. What is one thing you think is gross about the human body? Sweating. Ever make a friendship bracelet for someone? As a kid. Would you say you have extreme morals? "Extreme" seems a bit far, but I have rather strict ones. What have you been made fun of for the most? I've been teased by so many people, family especially, about how I stay on the laptop or am on my phone, and I fucking hate it. Seriously, don't bring it up. I have reasons. Do you watch any television shows from other countries? I don't watch any TV shows currently. Who is your most favorite television/movie villain? Television... probably a character I can't say as their position of being a villain is a massive spoiler of the show. Or Fullmetal Alchemist's Envy, especially in Brotherhood. Movie, Dark Alessa from the first Silent Hill. Have you ever been stabbed by something? A pencil. Maybe other things. Well, do piercings, tattoos, or shots count? How many pillows do you normally sleep with? Two. When you have chocolate, do you eat it room temperature? Or are you like me and stick the bar into the fridge first? I like it room temperature. Chilled doesn't sound all that appealing. What’s the most shocking thing that’s happened in your part of town? Idk, maybe a murder or something? Are there any constellations you recognize just by looking at them? The Little or Big Dipper, idk which is which. Which insect do you find the most beautiful? Butterflies! Do you like gardening? If so, what do you grow? No. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one’s your favorite? Yeah, probs Sudoku. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? Teaching, to name just one. What’s the weirdest building in your city? *shrugs* Do you recognize friends’/family’s vehicles by sound? No. Which Disney villain is your favorite? Probably Scar. Or Hades, I loved his character. Which possession would you not want to inherit from a relative? I dunno. Fancy china or some shit I'll never use or break. Is there an ex you think about every day? You know... maybe Jason. Tiny things will trigger quick memories/thoughts about him a lot of days, maybe actually most, I guess as a PTSD thing. He played such a huge part of my life and drastically changed it, so it's hard not to. I don't give him deep thought or anything and they're typically emotionless; just for example, if I heard Motionless In White, my head would immediately connect them to him as his favorite band, then the thought's over. AND I JUST WANNA SHARE BECAUSE I'M PROUD AS FUCK that today was our anniversary date, and this is the first year I feel zero pain or attachment to it. Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? No. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Probably some evil shit I said in that letter to Dad. Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed last night? Sara. When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? I talked briefly with Girt a few days back. Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? Jason did. Who was the last person to annoy you? My stepmother with the stupid political shit she shares on Facebook. I love her a whole lot, but oh my god. I regret even adding her. Do you have any text messages that you don’t want other people to read? I wouldn't be mortified or anything, but there's some I want private nevertheless. Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? The laundry room, the first room of the house from the backdoor. There's no AC in there, and because there's a draft with the door, it gets cooooold. What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also Why) I won't be financially stable. That's all I've known so far, and the stress of it is unbelievable. What criminal (dead or alive) would you like to sit down and talk to and why? None. What is the most interesting documentary have you watched? Meerkat Manor. :') Where is your brother? In Tennessee. Last person you cussed at? At? Not in the presence of? Uh, I think I playfully called a friend/family member a bitch at some point? When did a parent last tell you, you couldn’t do something you wanted to? I was craving a Sonic shake a couple days ago, but Mom didn't wanna drive out that far with low gas. Last time you took a picture? A few days back. Our camellia bush is blooming now, and some of the flowers are falling, and I visualized a beautiful shot looking down at one, but no matter what I did, the damn camera wouldn't focus just enough. This is such a frequent problem that I think something may be wrong with the lens. I cannot wait for new ones. Next time you will see the last person that made you cry? Who was it? Myself, so, lol. Next person that will call you? Likely my dad about our laptop hunt. Last person that was at your house besides family? A delivery guy. How many friends do you have? I don't know who are really my old friends, friends, and true friends nowadays. Few. When were you born? 11:20 or 11:30 A.M., I forget. Who are you closest to in your family? Mom. What program on your computer do you use the most? Chrome. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? Not unless I was in some sort of freak accident. What is your favorite breed of dog? Akita inus or Saint Bernards. Are you a fan of anime? Yeah. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Soft chocolate chunks. Ahhh. Where is your favorite city? I don't have one. Do you get bored easily? Very. What grosses you out the most? The most? Oh man, idk. Probably seeing bones clearly broken and at gnarly angles, or strange bodily shit like botflies being pulled out (I physically refuse to watch things like that), and giant pimple/cyst popping is fucking disgusting. I do NOT understand how some find it satisfying. Or, as mentioned earlier, seeing fetuses move from the outside. Have you ever been to the circus? In elementary school. I don't remember it. What’s the longest word you know? Uhhh, "brobdingnagian?" Do you use teeth whitener? No, but God knows I want to. Do you think war is an acceptable way of solving problems? NO. NO. NO. NO. Were you a bad child when you were younger? No. What is your favorite type of exercise? Swimming. Do you live near any volcanoes? No. Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing. Almost everyone points out how I put a "d" in "breakfast" after the "k." I have to consciously think in order to not. Tell me something about yourself that you don’t normally tell people. The fact I enjoy RP. Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly? Perfectly, idk. Have you ever tried “planking”? Oh wow, I forgot about that fad. The exercise form of planking, yes. Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities? Usually not. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? So there's this local dessert place I go to exclusively for their ice cream called "campfire delight" that surpasses any ice cream I've ever had. Out of basic flavors, vanilla. How many people have you truly fallen IN love with? Two. Where was your mom born? Somewhere in New York. Have you ever seen your siblings naked? Well duh as kids. As teens/adults, I think I've seen Ashley like once. Now Nicole, she has no shame and used to walk without a care into the living room to grab clean clothes lmao, and she never cared if I needed to come into the bathroom for whatever if she was in there after she got out of the shower. What can always make you feel better no matter what? Show me that video of Mark witnessing for the first time that "nasa peepo" shit lmao. I will at LEAST smile. What did you last order from a restaurant? A double cheeseburger and fries. And what restaurant was that from? McDonald's. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? Yes. Would you ever get your legs waxed? Likely not. Are you listening to music right now? "Roots" by In This Moment. When was the last time somebody hit on you? lul Sara yesterday, I think. Was the last person you met a male or female? Uhhh who was the last person I met. I really don't know. Which one of your friends do you feel most comfortable around? Sara. Do you own a map of the world? No. Who did you last spoon with? Sara. Does your family eat dinner together? No. When eating string cheese, do you dive right in or just peel it? I don't like string cheese. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Nothing works for me. Do you know how to take screen shots on your computer? Yeah. Do you have a blister anywhere on your body? No. Do you remember what your last fortune cookie said? No, but I think I recall thinking it was stupid. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. What do you think of off-brand soda? Doesn't bother me. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Usually hot. Do you grit your teeth a lot? No. Do you like to swing? Ye. How about jumping on a trampoline? Haven't done that in years, and it would probably wreck my knees. Do you have long arm hair? No. Is your hair healthy? Very. How often do you wash your hair? I have to every time I shower unless I want it greasy, so every other day or sometimes one more. Do you love Family Guy, or hate it? It doesn't bother me. Do you like kids? I don't hate them, but being around them long enough tests me. How often do you like to have sex? Sara and I aren't at that point yet, so I can't really say. If I'm still the same, Jason and I did so every few days, and if I didn't see him in like, almost a week, I'd definitely want it. Do you throw shit under your bed? No. Do you like Dairy Queen? Sure. Have you ever actually drank warm milk? Ew, no. Do you prefer to have milk when you eat cakes/cookies? Every once in a while for cookies. What is your preferred brand of chocolate? Ohhhhhh I can't remember its name. It's one of the "fancier" kinds. Do you like white chocolate? No, too sweet. Are there any movies/shows you’ve seen so many times you’re sick of them? I don't think so. What about songs you’ve heard so many times you hate them? Not hate. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah, as a kid, and here in the South, there's also this tasty treat called snow cream that you make with fresh snow. Are there any metals that turn your skin green? Silver. Do you know anybody who gets feminism confused with misandry? BOY DO I Do you talk to your pets? Seriously curious, does anyone not? When you do, is your tone different from when you talk to humans? Usually. Do you like using terms of endearment? Yes. Describe yourself with 3 fictional characters. Okay so I'mma actually think here... HA FIRST I am the Actual Eric Derekson, Max Caulfield (tho I give myself just enough credit that I am not that cringey), and Katniss Everdeen, if I remember her well enough (and I only read the first book/saw the first movie). Are there any numbers you dislike for any reason? No. Do you own/wear any jumpsuits? No. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog) Cats, plenty. What’s a movie you think more people should see? Idk. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) Haven't since high school, but I'm very interested in it. If you do, do you have any favorite gods/goddesses? Maybe Artemis. Do you think it’s prettier when the moon is full, or a crescent? Full. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Does the Kennedy Space Center qualify? Have you grown to dislike your first email address? Lol, I'll admit it's embarrassing when I have to give it out. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager? No. What songs bring back happy memories for you? "Closer" by The Chainsmokers, "Leavin'" by Jesse McCartney, "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, "All Time Low" by Jon Bellion, "Caroline" by Aminé, "I'm Not A Vampire" by Falling In Reverse, a few Billy Joel songs, a lot of old Train songs, "Let Me Hear You Scream" by Ozzy... a lot. Are there any smells that bring back happy memories? Probably? Oh, pancakes and sausage or bacon cooking, for one. I just remember the occasional times as a kid Mom would make breakfast.

[surveysonfleek]

1211.

Do you want your last ex to be happy, even if it means not being with you? sure. If you have a smartphone, what’s the last app you downloaded? What about the last app you uninstalled?   the last app i downloaded was that simpsons tapped out. i need to kill time lol. the last app i deleted was a business one. If you were a straight member of the opposite sex, who are some celebrities you think you’d have a thing for?   rihanna, beyonce, rita ora. not sure who else. Have you ever dyed your own hair? How did it turn out?   yes. it was fine, not a huge change. Right-handed or left-handed? right-handed.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?   just a boring iphone one. Does your first, middle, and last spell something?   huh? Favorite TV channel? i don’t have one.  What is your least favorite breed of dog?   i don’t have one tbh. it all depends on the dog’s personality. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants?   yes, i think they’re fine as long as they’re not see through. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents?   nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge?   yes, wine.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?   i don’t really care. What do you want for your birthday?   a watch. Who is the most inappropriate person you know?   i know a couple but only when they’re intoxicated. Who in your phone has a heart after their name?   my boyfriend. After breaking up, what’s the worst?   learning how to move on by yourself. Do you have a second mom? nope. When was the hardest time in your life? What made it so hard & how did you overcome it? when my parents separated. it was just a shitty time in my life, i dreaded going home just coz they ignored each other. How do you relieve stress? sleeping, watching movies/tv shows. When you die do you want to have a funeral service? Why or why not?   yeah, i would. it would bring a lot of people together i guess. What illegal drugs have you tried? Describe how you feel when you take each. If you haven’t tried any, would you ever want to? weed, coke, mdma. are shrooms illegal? if so, then yeah i’ve done that too. What is your opinion on capital punishment?   eh. What period of history was your favorite to learn about? If you don’t like history, what is your favorite thing to learn about? modern history. Where is your favorite fast food restaurant & what do you order when you go there? burger king. a whopper. i haven’t had one in ages. What do you think about smoking in public places?   it’s fine. What’s your favorite cheese? camembert. What’s your favorite type of chocolate?   milk. How do you like your steak? medium rare. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? i feel like i’ve never done that. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana.   banana, watermelon, pineapple, orange, apple, strawberry, cherry. What is your opinion on “God?”   i believe in them. i’m just not religious whatsoever. What is your favorite Christmas movie?   elf. Who are the three most important people in your life?   i’d have to choose four. my immediate family and boyfriend. Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went?   i had food poisoning. What is your favorite boy band?   boyz ii men. What is your favorite Beatles song?   i don’t have one tbh. What is your favorite type of bird? toucans are cool. What is something you hate, but wish you loved? olives. If you could profoundly release anxiety’s grip on one area of your life what would it be? everything. i have the weirdest irrational anxiety. it’s frustrating. What’s the cutest thing your SO does, but denies it’s cute in any way? his mannerisms. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture?   yeah, i’m in mid laughter haha. Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is? only if it’s the only thing they talk about. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark color or a light?   i like neutral shades, browns, pinks, nudes. What do you believe in the most?   idk. What do you avoid like the plague?   driving haha. i do it anyway. What is your main goal of the year?   finding a new job. Do you listen to music while you drive? always. Waffle cone or bowl?   cone. Do you like video games? Why?   it really depends, i’m picky with them. they’re fun to kill time with. Do you take selfies with those animal filters? when they first came out on snapchat they were cute but now i just think they took tacky. What book will you NOT read?   many. What YouTube channel can you not stand to watch? stupid ones. pewdiepie, those logan brother, ricegum etc. they’re terrible, i don’t get the appeal. Do you like big, normal or small glasses?   normal. How do you feel about colored contacts? it’s whatever. to each their own. Is pregnancy beautiful?   sure. Do you dance at weddings/parties or are you shy?   sometimes. when i’m in the mood. Are you kind to animals at all times?   i don’t really take notice of them tbh. Have you ever been bitten by an animal really hard? yes. Do you trust dogs? only my dog. Do you trust cats?   nope. What stereotype do you fall into the best?   slacker. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? stairs. Have you ever seen a pelican in real life? yes. all the damn time at the beaches. Do you carry pepper spray with you?   nope. Name three sites you have been bullied on. none tbh. i keep a pretty low profile. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. nope. not one out of control. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal?   no. Have you ever had a emergency surgery?   no. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed?   natural. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? anxiety lol. and food. i have a weak stomach. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World?   of course! What unnatural hair color looks best on you? really dark purple. What is your least favorite pizza place?   i don’t know tbh. What is the name of your first pet?   dopey. he was a bird lol. What is your favorite fairytale?   hmmm. rumpelstiltskin. Have you ever suffered a fracture?   yes. in my pinky from basketball. What countries would you like to visit?   japan and the bahamas. Had a serious surgery?   the most serious would be a dog bite when i was 2. i only remember bits and pieces of it though. Gotten stitches?   yes. Bitten someone?   not seriously. Would you ever cosplay?   probably not. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? pretty quickly. Have you ever drank from a real coconut?   yes! not as sweet as i thought it’d be. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? nope. If you were poor, living on the streets, & had no family to aid you, would you take up a job offer to work in a slaughterhouse? if that was the only job i could get, then yeah. it would suck but unfortunately we need money to live. Have you ever had a grandparent come live with you?   yeah. Do you keep your fortunes from fortune cookies?   i did for awhile, kept it in my phone case.  When you walk into your bedroom, is the light switch on the right side or the left side of the door? right. Who makes the majority of the food for Thanksgiving in your family? we don’t celebrate thanksgiving here. Does your house have a real chimney? nope. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why?   no idea just because i’ve never been through one. probably a hurricane though? i think my house could withstand that. How did you learn to ride a bicycle?   pretty sure my dad taught me. i relied on training wheels even though i knew how to ride without them and finally just got rid of them when i was about 8 lol. If you want any tattoos or piercings, what’s next on your list? don’t want either. Are you good at understanding baby talk?   nope. What was the last movie that you saw in the theaters?   it’s been forever. i think it was deadpool 2 or ocean’s eight. Can you do a hand stand?   nope. If you could, you would go to the moon?   probably not.  Do you like candy canes?   no. Have you ever gotten in trouble at school for wearing revealing clothes?   no. we had uniforms. Have you ever seriously thought about getting plastic surgery?   no. Do you prefer your jeans normal or ripped?   normal. i like acid wash and that distressed look though. Have you ever actually woken up screaming because of a nightmare?   no. Have you watched Breaking Bad?   i’ve seen about half of it. Have you ever been skating?   yes. Do you feel comfortable singing in front of others?   hell no. Name four favorite fast food restaurants & what you usually order at each one. burger king: whopper meal. mcdonalds: cheeseburger or applie pie. kfc: twista meal. sushi hub: i always get sushi and avocado, crispy chicken and avocado and prawn katsu rolls. Name four favorite sit down restaurants & what you usually order at each one.   hurricanes: ribs. hooters: wings in either spicy garlic or teriyaki sauce. idk where else tbh. Would you say you’re more close-minded or open-minded? Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you’d consider close-minded? If so, does it ever bother you? definitely open minded. i think my family and friends are quite open minded. i’m not really close to anyone who i really disagree with when it comes to my views. What is the most fucked up movie you’ve seen? Why?   i honestly forgot what it was called but it was on netflix and there’s just a room of people in this weird room and only one could survive. When it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? a dress. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor?   i never ear oatmeal. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after?   nah. How attractive is a girl is a suit? How attractive is a guy in a dress?   it all depends on how the clothes fit the person tbh. What does your dad do?   he works in a factory. Are your fingers long, or short? they’re pretty stubby. Are you allergic to any dogs? nope. Have you ever used an epi pen?   no. What is the meaning of your first name? goddess of wine. funnily enough i’m not a fan of wine. Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation?   i don’t think i did actually lol. Does it usually take you awhile to recover from illnesses? sometimes. it depends. i’ll either get over a sickness in a couple of days or it’ll take weeks. Would you rather get married outside or inside?   inside only because knowing my luck it’ll be raining. Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude? i don’t think i do but i don’t really consider it rude. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby?   yes. What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses?   not a fan of them on myself. Have you ever died in one of your dreams?   yes haha. then i woke up. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum?   fruity tbh. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it?   not seriously. i’ve been teased but i haven’t been a constant target. What was the mascot at your elementary school?   we didn’t have one. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once?   the proposal. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? nope. Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself?   no. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital?   hospital. wouldn’t want to jeopardise anything. What was the last thing you ordered online?   invitations to be printed. What’s your favorite planet?   earth. What are three things that fascinate you? travelling, space and culture. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? no. Do you enjoy doing yoga? not really. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school?   nope. Have you ever had fondue?   yes. only a chocolate one though. i’d love to try a cheese one. Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth?   yes. If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? not really. he’s turning 15 this year and is super old. we have a huge backyard so he still runs around when he wants. Do porcelain dolls scare you?   they don’t scare me but i definitely wouldn’t want to start a collection. Which is worse, Teletubbies or Boohbas? boohbas were weird af. Would you ever consider getting a tattoo on the inside of your bottom lip? nope. Do you like to play air hockey? yes. Have you ever been in a castle?   technically yes. it’s just not my definition of a castle. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol?   i’m okay. Do you like tacos?   only soft tacos.

[zoilathemom-blog]

stuff i wish i knew

Dakota was not planned. In fact, Zach and me were very much mending ourselves back together when we found out I was pregnant. We intended to have a baby at some point, but Winter 2018 was not penciled into our agenda. When we got the news there was no question. We were doing this, we’d made it 10 years at that point and had survived a 6 month separation, we could handle anything. And let me tell you, we really can handle anything. 

Thank goodness we trusted our path because we are so in love with our little human. Dakota is a blessing, the perfect combination of us both and I am so excited for our life as Dakota’s parents. BUT I’d be a lying fool and a faker if I pretended my pregnancy wasn’t riddled with what ifs, doubts and confusion. Even more so, being a mother is terrifying - I’m constantly wondering if I’m fucking up. And the truth is, I probably am. But also, that’s OK.

My time as a pregnant woman was quite isolating. You see, we moved to LA in November of 2015 and hadn’t quite solidified a community here. I always imagined this time in my life would be filled with family and my best girl friends. It wasn’t. So I did what women do best, I adapted. With constant check-ins on my “Mothers.” chat - a group chat of 3 amazing girlfriends who are moms, advice from my mother and a lot of reading, I made it to motherhood. But that was just the beginning,  there is still so much for me to learn. Motherhood is like getting to the top of a 5 mile high mountain only to find that the peak is still 15 miles up. Or like that scene in Titanic when they discover the iceberg has a side that juts out and the sailor screams “it’s got a head!”  That’s motherhood. Always another step on a constant learning curve. BUT, the reward, the reward is so damn good. The first time Koda smiled a non gas triggered smile? I DIED!!!! Dying just thinking about him. Hold up, now I need to run into his nursery and check that he’s breathing....

OK, back now :) 

So, in the spirit of sisterhood and the belief that real talk is the only talk that should exist, I’ve asked for advice. I asked for advice from some of the most amazing moms I know (please take or leave what you’d like - none of this is fact!). I asked them to share what they wish they had known or anything they feel is relevant for first time moms. This will be an ongoing document that I hope mothers will use and share, far and wide. Being a mom is hard. It is scary. It is also incredibly exciting & fulfilling. It is all the damn things and you don’t have to go through it alone. But if you are feeling alone (been there!!), I am here and so is this mama tribe. 

On Support:

“Find plenty of moms who have been through it already and cry on their shoulders.” - Marti Cuevas; Mama to Martin Carle, 39 and me :)

“My advice is to reach out to other moms, either friends w kids or try to make some. Talking out weird questions or just being able to relate is so key.” -Kristina; Mama to Isabel, 8 Months

“Ask for what you need. Your partner or anyone around you for that matter cannot read your mind. Be vocal and direct.” - Zoila; Mama to Dakota, 3 Months

On Post Partum Bodies:

“I wanted to lose the baby weight right away, in my head, but it wasn’t until my son was 18 months that I felt my post-C-section body was ready and able. Everyone said breast feeding will make the weight drop on it’s own; well not for my P.C.O.S.-ridden reproductive system. My advice to first-time moms is to not succumb to the pressure of obsessing over baby weight loss. Follow your heart, mind and body on your post-partum journey back to your pre-pregnancy jeans.” - Rachel Muniz-Strauss; Mama to Donovan, 3 + one on the way.

On Self-Care:

“Don’t put undue pressure on yourself! We do that so much and it serves no one. You are a fabulous mama.” - Sadye; Mama to Rafi, 2

“New moms should do ONE thing a day. Like if it’s going to the store or a doctors appointment or whatever. One thing! Healing after labor and delivery or a cesarean birth takes time emotionally, physically, and spiritually! Over exertion is no bueno when dealing with a baby and a partner who is also struggling to find his or her place in the new family unit as well as probably recovering from the birth!” - Scotlan; Mama to Clementine, 11 Months

“BREATHE: things are going to get super hectic and really noisy. You will get hit with a poop explosion, loud crying and screaming, dinner burning on the stove, phone ringing, your partner asking "hey did you do the laundry yet?", while you have been holding your pee in for the last 3 hours cause you've been running around the house like a chicken without a head trying to do it all...You start to panic...but DON'T! JUST BREATHE and don't cram it all in at once...this is a recipe for ANXIETY. Yes you are a super hero and a bionic woman but you can't do everything at once. So stop for a minute and breathe, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes...let the baby cry, let hubby figure it out and BREATHE...in through your nose and out through your mouth and tell yourself "I GOT THIS"..then go out there and conquer each thing one by one with a huge smile on your face... I know it's so simple but trust me it will save you a world of anxiety” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

ACCEPT HELP. While being a new mom is certainly a sensory awakener, and a super cool and interesting experience that you wanna soak up all to yourself, you MUST accept help, especially from those with some wisdom and experience, and if someone whom you trust offers to watch the baby while you shower or nap, ACCEPT! - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2 

“SLEEP: every mom I have ever received advice from tried to sell me this little bit of information and guess what...I did not buy it! A sleep deprived mama is an unhappy, unhealthy, and uncomfortable mama. When that baby is sleeping, lay your ass down and close your eyes. Being rested allows you to be productive and allows you to be happy and healthy. When you are sleep deprived you make poor food choices (typically lots of sugar to keep you awake) which lead to a poor mood...and when mama is in a bad mood, everyone suffers! So try and sleep...the laundry will wait, the dishes will wait, the dinner will wait, your partner will wait, the whole world will wait for you to wake up!” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

On “The Way Things Are Done:”

“I would advise not to share with others the name choice for your child. I feel that it should be between you and your partner (if there is one) as you are the parents, and deserve 100% creative control, if I may, in naming your child. I’ve found that when sharing my top name choices, the opinions of others really Jaded me (since when?!) BUT, while I love the names I gave my kids, I wish I had been more private on that aspect.” - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2

“Breastfeeding is INCREDIBLY hard. If it does not come naturally to you, rest easy knowing you are not a mutant who can’t provide for their child. Almost every woman struggles with some aspect of breastfeeding. It doesn’t really start to feel normal until after the 3rd month. Don’t beat yourself up. Also, if you don’t want to breastfeed, that is your choice too and NO ONE has the right to shame you for it.” - Zoila; Mama to Dakota, 3 Months

“Your choice for Feeding source..  I 100%  think should be kept as personal as possible. We all go into this mom thing with an idea of what we want to do, or not, but often times as I now know, things don’t go according to plan with regards to really anything, but especially nursing... lactation issues, latching or lack thereof, allergies, your schedule…. , or formula feeding may just be your personal preference... so regarding nursing vs formula, I found it best to keep mum. Everyone has an opinion, but do what your maternal instinct tells you.” - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2

“Be patient with trial and error. Things that might work for your best friend might not work with your family. Flexibility and letting go of the idea that parenting should “look” a certain way” - Scotlan; Mama to Clementine, 11 Months

“SOMETIME'S LET THE BABY CRY: babies are designed to cry! It actually helps strengthen their vocal chords. I remember with baby # 1 I would be on the toilet while he was napping and I would hear him wake up and cry his little heart out and I would get up without finishing my business; run, trip, fall just to get to him as quickly as possible and help stop him from crying! No need for all that...take care of your shit mama! (NO PUN INTENDED) That baby won't brake. That baby will be fine!  A few extra bouts of crying won't change anything. Yes it sounds painful and you want nothing more than to nurture your baby and protect it...but a little crying is OK...I promise.” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

Tricks & Products That Save Lives:

“BABY WEARING: is a game changer! I can't begin to tell you how much this practice works. Especially for my super busy super moms who like to multi task...when you wear that baby in an Ergo or a MOBY Wrap (two of my faves), you can do anything you need to around the house, at the store, or outside...that baby is happy to be snuggled up against you, and you're happy that you can knock out a few birds with one stone. Your hands are free to type, clean dishes, make dinner, talk on the phone, fold laundry, speed walk, etc...(all in standing posItion - which is great for your back anyways!) I literally pull a 4 hour work shift out of the house just by wearing my baby. He's happy and I am getting shit done!!! - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

[leigh-kelly]

61: “ You’d be a great mom. ”

A continuation of this.

In class one day, Brittany begins to see a new step in solving the Reimann Hypothesis in the series of formulas that’s written on the board. She realizes that the reason she was even offered a full scholarship was her ability to see mathematics in a way that no one else in a generation could, but the realization takes her by surprise. Immediately, she becomes fixated on it, and as much as she hates to skip having dinner with Santana, she finds herself unable to leave the math lab. She has to work on it, and she could not be more grateful when Santana quietly brings her a carton of chicken lo mein for dinner, gives her a kiss, and leaves her to the furious scribbles on the tablet in front of her.

It astounds Brittany sometimes that she’s the same girl who was made fun of her sophomore year for saying that the square root of four was rainbows. As much as she struggles through her general education requirements, she’s really, really good at math, and while she spends a late night in the math lab, she gets emails not only from her professor, but from the head of the department, checking on her progress. She’s on to something really big, she can feel it, but she can’t quite wrap her head completely around exactly how to formulate her thoughts.

The next day, she skips class. She knows she shouldn’t miss world religions, but she also knows that her girlfriend takes astounding notes, which are basically the equivalent of being there. Right now, all she can think of is this sequence, and she grabs a muffin and a green juice on the way to the math lab, so she’s sure to eat breakfast. It’s after noon, when she finally gets it written down, and she keeps plugging numbers in, checking that she’s making any kind of sense. When she finishes, before she even runs down to the head of the department to show her what she’s done, she snaps a picture, and she sends it to Santana.

I know you have no idea what any of this means but I’m 99% certain I just came way closer to solving the Reimann Hypothesis.

Britt! That’s amazing! I know that’s your ultimate goal, and I’m SO proud of you! :*

Going to talk to Dr. Feder now but I’ll be done in time to meet you after class. I miss your face and I can’t wait to kiss you.

That’s what you think of after you just did some serious genius stuff?

That’s what I ALWAYS think about babes. Missed sleeping with you last night. See you in a few.

Brittany ends up meeting with Dr. Feder for longer than she’d expected, with the older woman beside herself—and a little self-congratulatory about finding Brittany—over the new step she’s taking in solving the Hypothesis. But she’s still done before Santana gets out of class, and she stops at Starbucks on the way, grabbing Santana a black coffee, and herself a coconut milk latte. When Santana gets out of the classroom, she’s not shy about showing affection in public. Instead, she gives Brittany a kiss, and she hugs her around the neck, bubbling from inside.

“I barely got through class, I was so excited for you!”

“I’m pretty excited too!” Brittany laughs, handing Santana her coffee. “It’s like, a super huge deal if I solve it. People have been trying to do it since 1859, and no one’s had luck.”

“I know you’re going to do it.” Santana says earnestly. “You’re brilliant, seriously.”

“It makes me so happy to hear the smartest person I’ve ever met say that to me. You don’t even know.”

“I’m picturing it, Dr. Brittany Pierce, accepting this major award for being the first person to solve not just this hypothesis, but a dozen others.”

“I don’t even know if I want my doctorate. I’m just barely surviving undergrad.” Brittany bites her lip. “Although, we’d be some power couple, wouldn’t we?”

“I like that you think about that.” Santana confesses, swinging Brittany’s arm as they walk toward the park. “The future and stuff.”

“I never really did before, but with you, I want to.”

They walk through the park, and outside of the playground, there’s a little boy crying. Santana immediately stoops down to his height, and Brittany watches as she checks his arms and legs for scrapes. Then, she looks around, trying to see who he belongs to. She sees the frantic nanny running across the park, and Santana holds the little boy’s hand, trying to calm him down until she makes it there. Brittany thinks she wants to yell at the woman, tell her a boy that young should never have been left alone, but she doesn’t. She’s probably too shy for that, and she isn’t likely to intervene when she doesn’t know the circumstances.  

“That was cute.” Brittany says, when the boy and the nanny are gone, and Santana is holding her hand again.

“I have no idea why the hell he was there by himself. How do you just forget a kid?”

“Cell phones, probably. You know how everyone gets.”

“Still. What if someone bad would have found him instead?”

“Luckily, it was you.” Brittany smiles. “You’d make a great mom.”

“Me?” Santana whips around, clearly shocked by Brittany’s statement. “I’m not even sure I want kids. Hell, I’m still basically a kid myself.”

“I didn’t mean now...I just meant, like...” Brittany begins to stumble over her words, realizing that was a weird statement to make. “You were cute with him, and you have this nurturing thing about you. I noticed it at that convention thing too, with the young ones. You’re just good, and your heart shows.”

“I guess. I don’t know, I never really thought about having kids before. I just always kind of figured I’d be too busy getting papers published and teaching classes to have time for any of that. Why, have you?”

“Once.” Brittany confesses, biting her lower lip. “I...don’t even know how to go about telling my girlfriend this. But I had a pregnancy scare my senior year of high school.”

“Okay...”

“I know, I feel super weird about talking about it.”

“Britt, know you had a life before me, and you had other sexual partners. It’s fine, we can talk about it.”

“It was just like, a panic moment, you know? It was only a few months after I got out of the hospital, and I’ll be totally honest, the first thing I thought about when my period was late was how I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle getting really fat.”

“Babe...” Santana squeezes her hand.

“It was really hard for me to process. First of all, one of the things they actually tell you in the hospital is that if you don’t get better from your eating disorder, you’re not going to be able to have kids. The whole thing didn’t even register for me when I was in there, but I remember staring at my calendar and thinking how two months ago, they were saying I wasn’t going to have kids, and how in that moment I might actually have one in me.”

“Did you tell...”

“Sam? No. He would have been like, really fucking stupid and excited about it, and I knew I didn’t want to have a kid with him. I told my mom, who was probably just as worried about the fat thing as I was, after a zillion hours of going to family therapy. She bought me a pregnancy test, and it was probably the most stressful two minutes of my life.”

“Would you have...”

“I wouldn’t have kept it. That much I knew. But it was the first and probably only time I ever thought about whether or not I’d be a mom. I think I want kids someday, probably a lot of years from now, but even when I didn’t have a future plan for myself, I knew that wasn’t my plan.”

“That sounds really scary.”

“It was terrifying. It wasn’t even like I wasn’t careful, even though I did some dumb and reckless things, I always was careful about that. I mean, I’m the product of a one night stand, so...Mom always kind of drilled that into me.”

“Does that bother you?” Santana asks, and Brittany sees her searching her face.

“It’s...weird. On one hand, it’s like thanks Mom, for reminding me that I was a total accident, but on the other, I get why she didn’t want that to happen to me. She got lucky with my dad, you know? He fell in love with a pregnant lady and raised the baby as his own.”

“You wouldn’t have been alone though.”

“But I wouldn’t have been happy. I would have spent my life with someone who thought I was an idiot, and felt like it was totally cool to talk down to me. And all this never would have happened, I wouldn’t have taken the SAT and found out I was smart, I wouldn’t have met you.”

“I’m glad it was just a scare.”

“So am I. Trust me, you don’t know relief until you see a negative pregnancy test.”

“Well, luckily that’s not something I’m ever going to have to experience.” Santana shakes her head. “I have no interest in sleeping with men. Or anyone who’s not you, for that matter.”

“We’re on the same page with that second point right now. But someday, maybe I��ll see a positive pregnancy test as a good thing. I don’t know, I guess kids really aren’t something I think about much either.”

“We shouldn’t. We have our whole lives ahead of us right now. Kids at this point in time is like, completely insane.”

“They are.” Brittany laughs. “Maybe in ten years or something.”

“Ten, fifteen...I guess that’s when I’ll start thinking about it. But for now, I’ll enjoy this.”

“Me too, Santana. Me too.”

[taylorswiftfiction]

Together We Can Do Anything pt. 2

You know how when you’re counting down the days till Christmas or the hours until your best friend arrives time goes incredibly slowly yet when you have a meeting you don’t want to go to or a scary doctors appointment you blink and it’s time to leave? I was living in this weird in between. Time couldn’t go any slower when I was throwing my head of the toilet as joe ran into the bathroom after me but at the same time I felt like my body was a bit of a ticking time bomb. I wanted nothing more then for this to stay a secret  for as long as possible but at six weeks I was already starting to show. Just a tiny bit. Even joe wouldn’t be able to tell if I hadn’t pointed it out to him but it was enough to send my anxiety into overdrive. For now I could hide inside under baggy sweatshirts but Grammys were coming up and I had to go, by then I would be around 15 weeks. I had little hope of finding a dress that could properly conceal any signs of pregnancy. Like my week in Rhode Island our time in London flew by. We had planned to spend the trip meeting up with friends and having dinner with his family but the little love inside of me had other plans. For the first couple days i did my best to pretend it wasn’t happening and then it was all I could think about. I was terrified but joe seemed to have a solution to every earth shattering situation. We spent a lot of time talking and watching Christmas movies and cuddling and eventually he was able to work this baby into my heart. As soon as I let my self love this little one I started to feel pregnant. I was either puking, sleeping, or coming up with ways to not puke or fall asleep and there was little to no time for socialization. It was kind of unfair. I never really got the chance to celebrate and be happy. We postponed our cabin getaway until I felt a bit better. My first doctors appointment was in a few days so we decided to spend a few days in LA and then head to Rhode Island till Christmas.

The flight between London and LA was familiar and in some ways comforting. Joe was asleep next to me and I was doing my best to keep a bout of nausea under control. I pulled a ginger chew out of my sweatshirt pocket and took a few deep breathes. I closed my eyes, sat up, and continued to breathe deeply and tugging at my preassure point bands. The bands helped sometimes but mostly they just made me feel claustrophobic, regardless any chance of relief was worth it. Eventually my stomach calmed down and joe woke up. “Morning sleepy head” his hands stretched above his head and he took a deep breath. “Mornin” his speech was slurred and his eyes weren’t quite adjusted to the light yet. He pressed his lips against mine and brushed my bangs away from my eyes. “How’s our little one treating you today?” I couldn’t help but smile at the way he talked about our baby.  "Been better, been worse.“ He frowned sighed. ” well you know I’m gonna have to talk to him or her when they get here because making mummy sick is definitely against the rules.“ I rolled my eyes and giggled. ” you know it’s not his fault he need shitty hormones right now, it’s not like “yeah I’m gonna make her puke her guts out.” It’s just what happens.“ "He huh?” I had a feeling it was a boy, I didn’t really even let myself think about it too much. I had a lot more to worry about then if I would be dressing my baby in hair bows or bow ties but it was kind of just a matter of a fact thing for me. “I mean there’s no way of knowing I just feel like it might be a boy.”  

A couple days later I found myself sitting on an exam table in a paper gown waiting for the doctor. My blood preassure was on the higher side of normal but the nurse reassured me that nerves were likely to blame. I survived the blood draw and all that was left was actually talking to the doctor. Joe was reading through scripts on his phone and I was fiddling with my finger nails, a nasty habit I picked up in high school that I had been dresprate to drop. After a mineute joe put his phone away and reached for my hand. “It’s going to be okay love, you just have to relax.” The corners of my mouth curved into a small smile and his hand squeezed mine three times I love you. There was a knock on the door before it opened and a woman with shoulder length brown hair and kind eyes entered. “Hi, I’m doctor Jamison you must be Taylor.” I nodded and shook her hand before she turned to Joe. “And I assume you’re daddy?” He nodded and shook her  hand as well smiling at the word “daddy”. “So congratulations you are pregnant so you’re going to be spending a lot of time with me in the next few months. I do like to start every appointment by asking you how you’re feeling. So Taylor how are you doing?” I looked over at joe wishing I was 16 and he was my mom and he would answer for me but I’m a big girl and I had to speak for myself. “Um I’ve been pretty sick and tired.” “How often do you find yourself feeling unwell?” “I feel pretty nauseous almost all the time and I throw up on average like two-three times a day right now” I looked over at joe who was nodding his head in agreement. “ do you think you’re getting enough calories in a day to support a healthy pregnancy despite the nausea?”  "Um yeah Joe is pretty great at making sure I’m eating enough and I do feel better when I eat and drink enough.“ Joe chuckled and the doctor smiled at me. "I’m going to go ahead and start doing the examination but how are you feeling emotionally? I’m just going to press on your belly a little bit to try and measure your uterus.” Her hands were cold even over the thin blue paper gown and it wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. “This wasn’t really a planned pregnancy so it’s taken me a bit to get used to the idea but I’m getting there.” “That’s really good. You should know that a lot of women feel that way and it’s completely normal. So Taylor I wanna go ahead and do an ultrasound. I obviously haven’t completed the examination but this seems like a very healthy pregnancy however I’m seeing some things that aren’t necessarily normal. Your HGC levels are bit higher then normal, your morning sickness seems quite intense, your uterus is measuring a bit larger then six and a half weeks and I just want to make sure we’re not missing anything. Everything could be normal, or you could be a couple weeks further a long then you think you are or you could have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum , or extreme morning sickness and be measuring a bit bigger then normal  or a number of other things but I just want to make sure.” She did a Pap smear and asked a few more questions before getting the portable ultrasound machine ready. “Unfortunately you’re not quite far along enough for us to get a good view externally so we will have to go internally.” Joe moved his chair over to the side of the examination table so he could see the small screen he offered his hand and i gladly accepted it. After a few minutes a small flicker appeared on the screen. “So the little flicker there is the heart beat and the circle around it is the embryo itself and if we look just a little bit over, you can see there is another little flicker with another circle around it.” I took a minute to process the information and joe said exactly what I was thinking. “So there’s two? As in twins?” “Yes there are two, it does all look extremely healthy but there are a few more things we will have to look out for and you will be labeled as high risk but like I said everything looks normal for a twin pregnancy.” I wasn’t really sure how to respond. I had just gotten used to the idea of having one baby and now I was having two. She prescribed an anti nausea medication incase I changed my mind on avoiding medication and I went home and I cried in my bedroom. Not because I was angry or sad or upset but because I didn’t know what to feel. After about an hour joe came in a pulled me into his arms. “I’m happy I really am, I promise. I just don’t understand why life has to be so fucking hard sometimes.” He pulled away from me and wiped a tear away from my face. “I know this isn’t what we planned but we got used to the idea of one but we can definitely adjust our lives to fit around two.” “I know it’s just two means another kid I have to try not to fuck up and I’m going to show a lot faster and people are going to find out a lot sooner and I just-two babies is a lot ” “ first of all, you are going to be a fantastic mum, you have no idea how lucky these babies are. Second of all you are only concerned about people finding out because you’re afraid of what they’ll think and darling you have got to stop that. All that matters is what we think and I can tell you and I for one am incredibly excited. Two babies is a lot and it means a lot of shitty things. Were going to have twice the the sleepless nights and twice the dirty diapers and you’re going to be twice as uncomfortable and so many other things. At the same there will be twice the late night baby snuggles and twice and I love you’s and let’s be honest our babies are going to be fucking adorable and that’s gonna be multiplied by two.” I threw myself into his arms and laid my head on his shoulders. “I love you so much more then I ever thought was possible.” The next couple months were going to be hard, hell the next couple years were going to be hard. If anyone could do it, it was going to be us because together we could do anything.

[perlocutionary]

Rule - Always post the rules, Answer the 11 random questions posted for you. Create 11 new ones and tag 11 people. Let the person who tagged you know that you answered. You don’t have to though

I was tagged by @roscoeknows thank you for that love!

My questions/answers are below the cut :-)

1. In what country would you like to live?

Tbh, I don’t know right now. When I was younger, I always wanted to move to America. But as I’ve grown (and gotten wiser) I don’t think it would be any better than staying back home. No offense to you Americans, but the shit you hear/read is not something I would survive in. There was a moment I wanted to live in Australia. Not feeling that anymore either. I do want to move somewhere with lots of sunshine.

My best friend and I always laughed bout opening a book-bar in London so if that ever works out my tumblr fam is welcome for a free drink

2. What language different to yours sounds to you more beautiful?

I feel like every language has a beautiful tone to it, but I’ve always loved hearing Spanish and Italian people speak. One of my best friends is Spanish and hearing her switch is like the most amazing part because in Dutch we’re quite mellow and then she starts talking to her dad and it’s passionate and it always sounds like she’s yelling and I love that. lol.

3. Favorite animal?

I have two:

(i) Penguins, because of their love stories. In short: a male penguin finds the nicest pebble it can find and presents it to the lady penguin he wants to ‘go out with’. If she accepts, they stay together forever. I mean, isn’t that the sweetest thing you ever heard, come on?!!

(ii) Seahorses, because instead of a female carrying the babies through pregnancy, the male does. He nurtures them in all ways necessary for the little ones to become healthy and get a life of their own. I always compare the seahorse to my dad - He raised me on his own since I was two years old and it wasn’t always very easy with just the two of us, but he fucking did it. All I have and am today I have to thank him for. So perhaps a seahorse is my all time favorite.  

4. What would you do if your favourite actress/actor was in front of you right now (you with the same look, clothes, makeup…)?

I actually talked about something similiar over the weekend with my best friend haha! ‘What would Leen do if she met DOB?’

The answer was quite simple though. I would be totally oblivious to their presence, because I am oblivious to everything. BUT if I did notice, I’d probably just start up conversation about this similarity we share, and then leave, because I am an awkward turtle.

5. What sport would you like to do and, if you do one, what is it? why?

When I was younger, I had a horse and I rode in competitions and shit. I had needed surgery and instead of waiting for the recommended 6 weeks (for your stitches to be removed) I jumped back on a horse two weeks after leaving the hospital. It hurt so horribly much that I never rode again. A few weeks after my horse died as well so I guess I just was done with it for a while. I hope one day I get the chance to ride again, even if it’s just recreative instead of competitions.

6. Have you ever been attracted to someone you should not? Explain

Fuck, yes - Just a month ago. I have two guy friends at uni (we’re a group of 5) and one of them is quite attractive, but I never gave it a second thought (mainly bc he has had a girlfriend for as long as I’ve known him). Bc my female friend kept saying “how amazing we would be together” I started involuntarily crushing to the point I was reliving smut I read (and you know how horrible some of you are on here with your descriptive shit!!!) with him. I couldn’t talk to him (still can’t half the time) and it sort of ruined a dynamic within our group. I hate myself (and the fact I’m so easily influenced when it comes to my love life). 

7. If you were an actress, what kind of movies and scenes would you like to do?

First of all, a combination of action and romance. I think I’d try to be someone who tries out new things every time, so I get to learn as much as I can in the short life we live. I want the sappy kiss in the rain romance. If I didn’t get my kiss-in-the-rain-scene, I didn’t make it as an actress.

 Also, I wouldn’t mind trying a horror movie out - but then I’d rather be the axe murderer chasing you than the stupid bitch that dies within the first ten minutes of the movie. I’m better as a creepy psychopath I think lol. Oh! Maybe something where I can play a creepy ghost girl. Yeah. I’d like that (ask my best friend, I have a really scary staring face).

8. Your gif reaction if your favourite character dies in the saddest way.

9. Do you have any kink? Which?

With what nowadays qualifies as a ‘kink’, I don’t have one, no. But I do like my rough, dominant just as much as the next (a lot).

10. Have you ever done something crazy (or that seems crazy to you)? Explain it

I come from a ‘poor family’ (my mom ran off with my dads bank account when I was 2) and so I’ve been raised to think about every euro I spend. It’s very hard for me to buy something completely out of the blue, usually I take three weeks of contemplating ‘if I need it’ or ‘if I can’t find it cheaper’.

One day, I was down town and I recalled that I wanted to learn to play the guitar when I was a kid. So, with my first paycheck of my job, I walked into a music store and bought the most beautiful guitar I had laid my eyes upon - no contemplating, no rethinking, not waiting three weeks, I just bought it. I still can’t play the fucking guitar years later lol.

11. Photo of your perfect outfit.

God damnit, I immediately thought of a photo I took like five years ago and now I have to go look for it.

Update: I am already searching for 20 mins now. Update: STILL CAN’T FIND IT ARGhh

Ok, ok. I’ll settle for any other outfit pic then Guess what - I don’t make pictures of my outfits! Continuing the search for one.

*realizes the picture I was initially searching is on my tablet* *ruins living room in search for tablet*

> Still my go-to if I need to look cute without putting too much effort into it!

New questions:

1. If you could choose any language to learn fluently, which would it be? And why? 2. Do you have any tattoos? Describe them/Post a photo? If not, do you want any?  3. Describe yourself in one sentence. 4. What’s your all time favorite song? 5. When you feel down, is there any ritual you do? If so, describe it. 6. Describe the first time you felt any emotion heavily. It can be any. 7. Have you ever done something you considered crazy? Explain 8. What made you join tumblr? Or who? 9. Do you have a bucket list? What’s on there? Or what would you like to be on that list? 10. What’s the first show you ever binge-watched? What did you like most about it? 11. Post a photo of the thing in the room right now that makes you smile most (if possible, otherwise you can describe it if you want)

Tags:

@itsbilescallmebiles @redstringlovers @bilesbilinskix @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @lovelydob @honeymoonmuke 

I can’t think of anyone else, but if you want to answer these feel free to tag me! I’m excited to see!!

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Nancy

Rio: If you wanna head home 'fore nan and granddad are ready, you can always have a lift back with us Nancy: Thanks Nancy: I'm in no rush though Rio: Having a good time then? Nancy: Sure Nancy: It's not a classroom, I'll take it Rio: Yeah, I bet you're buzzing Nancy: You mean you can't tell? Well, that's devastating Nancy: I reckoned on it being so obvious, like Rio: I mean, your poker face ain't all that, babe, if you wanna be real about it Nancy: More of a resting bitch, I know Nancy: The good news must not have sunk in yet Rio: Give it a few Nancy: Yeah Rio: Anyway, can't do anything about it now Rio: May as well enjoy your summer Nancy: Like I said, I already am Nancy: Aside from the prospect of going home Rio: 👍 Rio: How bad can it be Rio: he's taken one for the team Nancy: No, he's made sure exams mean more than they did before Nancy: and made me the focus since he's a less than safe convo topic Rio: Well, your family's inability to communicate is longstanding and not my fault so I'm not gonna take the blame for it, nor is my baby Rio: Sorry, like Nancy: I didn't ask Nancy: It's not my fault that his fall from grace makes me their poster child for success now either, I definitely never asked for that Rio: If you're going to feel so sorry for yourself, don't be surprised when people feel it for you in return Rio: Oddly enough our decision to have a child wasn't exactly about you Nancy: I'm only surprised the pity party isn't full already Nancy: My brother tends to take up a lot of space Rio: Please Rio: We've got no reason to be sorry, either definition Rio: we're happy, if you lot wanna be miserable then the party is all yours Nancy: Does he know that? Does he feel it? 'Cause he sounded like he wanted me to be sorry for him many times over when we last spoke Rio: Like I said, you're all crap at communicating Rio: but thanks Nancy: Yeah, and he's one of the worst Nancy: If I feel sorry for anything, it's for you, for that much, like Rio: Fuck off Rio: I don't need your pity Nancy: Don't tell me to fuck off Rio: Why not? You've seen fit to talk to me how you please Nancy: 'Cause you're judging my communication skills like its your job, for one thing Nancy: And for another, I haven't said anything like that to you, ever Rio: You said in as few words as possible that you don't think Buster really wants our baby, implying that I don't know him and we don't talk, whilst you were at it Rio: but no Rio: the f bomb in response, so much worse, Jesus Nancy: No I haven't Nancy: All I've said to him is that his timing is ridiculous and when was the last time we even spoke, me and you? Before exams probably so Rio: What does it matter to you, or your parents for that matter Rio: He's still going to Uni, he's still doing everything they want Nancy: I don't care what they want Nancy: I care about him and how hard it's gonna be Nancy: I won't be here to help either of you, not even in the same country, so excuse me for being worried Rio: When ain't life? Rio: You can't let that stop you from doing what you want Nancy: You don't need to make it harder on yourself, Jesus Rio: Well that ain't how it's going to be, or how we see it Nancy: It's easy for him to see it that way when he never admits that he needs help or that anything could possibly be a struggle in the slightest Nancy: He's just perfect and everything will be, end of story Rio: I help him Rio: and I know that, I knew that before this even started Nancy: I know you do and you know I love you, yeah? I'm not saying this to be a bitch to you Rio: I know Rio: but I don't get why you can't translate your worry into supporting him, that is literally all he needs from you Rio: instead of the constant barage of questions Nancy: because I'm scared for him and he scares me Nancy: how little he thinks about anything Nancy: He just wants and he gets and I'm the only one who cares if it'll work out or not Nancy: you know that's what he's always been like Rio: It's going to work out Rio: even if you wanna talk worst case scenarios, we have to get divorced, yeah Rio: he'll still have the kid, I'm not that bitch Nancy: I hope it does Nancy: Genuinely Nancy: You know that Rio: I think I do Rio: but you don't always show it Rio: I know it's a lot Rio: but it's hard for him when none of you seem happy for him or even say it's alright, like Rio: why do you think he can't admit he needs help, when has he got it? Nancy: Do you? 'Cause when you got together I had to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about him and you Nancy: He says he's loved you since he was a kid, I was there, I have almost the same memories Nancy: But I don't Nancy: at all Rio: Why does it matter? We were all kids Nancy: 'Cause all this time he was so unhappy and I didn't know, okay Nancy: I didn't do anything Rio: None of us did Rio: He didn't want you to know, anyone Rio: you can't take blame for it like you wilfully ignored cries for help but he's trying now Rio: he needs you now, okay Nancy: I'm trying too Nancy: I just Nancy: I don't know him, if I ever did Nancy: How am I meant to know what to do? Rio: You did Rio: You were close then, just because you didn't know this one thing doesn't mean you weren't Rio: You wouldn't tell him about every crush you had, especially if you felt shame about being gay or there was another reason you knew he could judge you for it, you know? Rio: Just, try and be nice to each other, simple and as stupid as it sounds Rio: that's all you gotta do in this world though Nancy: You can say wanting to fuck my teacher, that's pretty shameful, babe Nancy: Lord, did you really have to do the one thing that scares me most to test me Nancy: Babies are terrifying Rio: Well you know, I assume you weren't child thirsting after your reception teacher like 👌👌👌 nice cardigan miss Rio: Nah Rio: they're just people Rio: I guess that's kinda the problem though Nancy: Hey, she was cute! And very attentive Nancy: Well, not to be dramatic and turn this into a therapy session but the last time I was properly excited for a baby to be born, he died Nancy: And now we don't talk about him Rio: That isn't going to happen again Rio: and you could talk to Buster about him Rio: he's thinking about him too Nancy: Does he talk about him to you? Rio: Yeah, a little Rio: we're going to give the baby his name as a middle Nancy: Really? Rio: I should say we don't know it's a boy yet, we just think it is Rio: but I won't say 'if not, the next one' and freak you out further, like Nancy: Go ahead, I'm just out here openly crying at the beach Rio: I'm sorry Rio: you can use my ugly dress as a hankie if you wanna Nancy: It's not that bad Rio: It's years old 'cos everything I own now would leave no need to announce this Rio: tempting but probably not Nancy: You should have come to me, my wardrobe runneth over Nancy: Literally, I need to have such a huge clear out before uni starts Rio: You planning to reinvent yourself as a minimalist? 😏 Rio: local charity shops gonna be a goldmine, like Nancy: Reinvent myself, yeah, as that, no Nancy: I get it, not tempting to come over when I'm being a bitch Nancy: I'm sorry you have to suffer that dress as a result, babe Rio: Well you know, or we could say I was giving you space and time Rio: politer Rio: I'm not even sure it was ever mine Rio: maybe it was yours, the ultimately bitchery to get it out of my system Nancy: Not to be that bitch or lesbian stereotype, okay, but what's under it? Can you not just remove it now the secret's out? Nancy: Be you again Rio: 😂 Rio: Still got it, babe Rio: I guess I can now Rio: It's weird Nancy: Do it for my brother if not me Nancy: You think I need to sort my face, look at his right now Rio: Poor boy Rio: at least I didn't straighten my hair, then he'd really be devastated Nancy: 😂 Nancy: I wish you had, I'd have taken so many pics to post and tag him in Rio: 😏 Pure evil, like Nancy: Genetically, sorry Nancy: Not saying you should watch The Omen again or anything but Rio: 😲 How rude Rio: but if I remember correctly that fucker was adopted so it would've been more cutting to come at me with Rosemary's Baby, like Rio: slacking Nancy: Oops, horror movies not really my forte Rio: You should reconsider Rio: yeah the bitch always dies, but she's usually half-naked beforehand, like Nancy: Are you gonna put your arm around me when it gets scary though? I think not Rio: You know I would you just ain't vibing 💔 Nancy: Lies! I just told you to strip Rio: True enough Rio: There's hope yet then Nancy: I'm sorry for being a bitch this whole time Nancy: I've missed you, it feels like exams lasted years Rio: I know, it was stressful and I weren't even taking them so God knows how you lot survived Rio: How do you feel about them, genuinely? Nancy: I know you love him, but how much of a prick was he during his, like 1-10? To make me feel better Nancy: I feel bad but like, I always do about that stuff so Nancy: It doesn't mean anything Rio: Oh, 11, for sure 😏 Rio: no, it was hard though, he was stressed as fuck Rio: you'll have done what you needed to do, I know Nancy: At least you could play the pregnancy card, like DO NOT STRESS ME, BOY Nancy: I basically had to shut myself away to get the same effect Rio: I feel it, Junior looks like this is his first time seeing sunlight in years, he hasn't taken his sunglasses off Rio: know they're prescription but come on Rio: as for the pregnancy card, great for getting out of arguments you've probably caused being a crazy bitch, like Nancy: I don't think he remembers who any of us are 😂 Nancy: It's not too late to have some actual fun today, is it? Nancy: You need it too, Buster said you've been pretty sick Nancy: He's dramatic, but still Rio: Of course not Rio: Someone suggested going to the pub to celebrate but as I'm the one with the baby I can make sure they choose somewhere nice with a decent cocktail list and beer garden, not a grotty old man pub, like Rio: Just morning sickness but it was pretty shitty and lonely when he was at School and so was Indie Rio: but fingers crossed I'm over that now so Nancy: We have to do something about that dress first Nancy: Come with me before we go anywhere else Nancy: I will save you Rio: 🙌 Rio: If you take me near a maternity section, we will brawl Nancy: God no Nancy: I'd burst into flames Rio: 😂 Rio: You remembered suncream today though, yeah? Nancy: Yes, mum Nancy: Maternity clothes are actually disgusting and I'm not letting it happen to you Nancy: Or my niece or nephew, how embarrassing to look back on Rio: It's just not necessary either Rio: do you know how big most clothes go these days like Nancy: Thank you! Like be more creative than that Nancy: If you wear a smock I'm disowning you Nancy: I don't care if you're having twins in a heatwave Rio: You'll be glad to know it ain't, unless one of them was hiding real stealth, but I'd be much bigger, pretty sure Nancy: Yeah, you'd need more than that dress to hide behind, right? Mum was such a ridiculous size with us, the pics are actually like something out of a scary movie Nancy: Say what you like about her, and do, but she always looked good Rio: Honestly, poor bitch Rio: Feel her small girl pain in a way you can never Rio: feeling like a human ball some days and it is just the one Nancy: Why do you think I'm not taking you to a maternity section, they'd think I was the one with a baby on board Nancy: No offense but kill me Rio: Oh bitch no Rio: like, is daddy excited or terrified, Nance? Rio: straight girl bants Nancy: I nearly threw up in my mouth Nancy: Not morning sickness, sorry lads Rio: You keep down your breakfast if you getting in my car, thank you very much Nancy: Such a mum 😏

[tumblunni]

Bunni continues to play Richard And Alice! Random thoughts and stuff!

* I’m really not good at point and click advantures, so i dunno if my opinion is very valuable, but this one just seems... not good, gameplay-wise. The sections are all different lengths and difficulty levels in each chapter, and not in a fitting way. Like so far the only one where I had to combine two items was the first chapter, it took me ages to figure out what the game wanted me to do with the bedsheets. And then the second chapter had like zero point and click at all, you just had to find one toy brick and stick it to block one hole, then it was just story cutscenes. And now in chapter three we have a suddenly huge snowfield to explore with your painfully slow walk speed, yet there’s only like one thing you need to find and just... I’m getting surprisingly anxious worrying if I missed something cos i only found that one thing! There was a whole section i didnt explore cos i didnt realise you couldnt go back outside after you managed to open the door. And what was with the misdirect of Alice saying ‘maybe i can reach this window if i have something to stand on’ and then instead she just shot off the lock on the door? Does that mean there were multiple solutions to this puzzle and thats why the place was so huge?

* Anyway, the story continues to be intriguingly good! I continue to be really engaged in poor Alice’s journey through this post apocolyptic snow world with her lil son, and I continue to be really worried what happened to that son, since this is a flashback and Alice met Richard alone... Also I like the continuity that Barney is continuing to talk about the close call they had last time with a monsterous bastard who kidnapped them. This poor lil 7 year old is struggling to keep up and struggling to keep smiling so his mum won’t be sad, and its just SO COLD and he doesnt understand why they left ‘the safe house’ because he doesnt understand they were prisoners there. And god, its so sad cos you can understand how Alice might be getting frustrated with him, and you can understand that she KNOWS she’s being irrational, but she’s just so scared that she sucks at keeping up a brave face for her kid. But I think she’s doing a great job, she’s way more of a badass survivor than anyone else would have been in this situation! And Barney is being incredibly good too, he’s being really patient and obedient to his mum and he’s a really considerate kid, he gave his mum his toy car cos she was getting sad remembering when her husband was alive and they used to ‘go on adventures’. (”But we’re on an adventure now, mummy!”)

* And MAN I am REALLY WORRIED for this poor kid, he’s been showing signs of getting sick as they were travelling the snowy wasteland and I hope they can at least get a break now they’ve found this abandoned house to sleep in. BUT NOPE! Alice finds mysterious scary notes with some sort of log of... people...? It definately doesnt feel like just someone recording visitors or survivors they met, its got a weird sort of... priorities, to what was written down. ‘Fem. caucasian. 20s. Compliant. 65lbs.’ And then what struck me as especially weird was that someone would classify a kid as ‘Female. age 7. 21 lbs’ instead of like.. actually writing that it was a kid. This is someone seeing these people as.. merchandise. You never really get an answer in this chapter but I think it’s someone who was offering survivors fake shelter and then cannibalising them T_T The chapter just ends with Alice finding an ambiguously scary room with a bloodstain, but this is the only shelter they have, so all she can do is lock the door again so her kid doesn’t see, and barricade the front door in case this cannibal cult comes back for their home base... *shudder*

* But also seriously, why did I collect like five other red herring letters as well as the cannibal one? And a rusty saw and ammo for a different gun. Was that JUST red herrings or did I miss an optional puzzle?

* Its actually a weird relief to get back out of the flashback and back to our slightly-less-horrible horrible situation in present times. Sure, Alice and Richard are locked in prison, but in this apocolyptic scenario its a relief to be somewhere where you get daily food and working electricity. There’s even a tv that only sometimes doesnt work! And they have each other, and they’re building up a nice friendship now, and it just feels quite optimistic. Richard’s even getting a bit of a crush on Alice, even though the attempts at flirting between the two of them are failing horribly cos they’re both total goobers. i dunno, if they do get together in the end, I totally wouldnt mind it! I dont think its really necessary though.

* Aww but the more we learn about everyone’s backstory, the more I really wanna hug em! We still dont know very much about Richard, but we’ve learned now that he had an ‘average childhood’, at least, by his definition. And he lived in some sort of small country town, and he joined the army in order to see more of the world. But it went really badly and he got sent to prison for rebelling against a superior officer who made a clearly immoral order. JUSTICE FOR RICHARD, GRARR!! And then Alice continues to be way more well developed and interesting, even though I do still feel sympathetic for richard, yknow. Just a lil frustrated that it took us so long to even hear that lil bit about him, when he’s supposed to be the ‘main character’. Seriously he seems like just a framing device for us to talk to alice and see her flashbacks! Anyway, now we’ve learned that Alice didn’t have much of a childhood, because she was hospitalized for a long time. And she talks about how she felt like a burden and felt suicidal and how she never even got to make any friends til she grew up and became a lil more healthy, and then she sorta ended up in an unplanned pregnancy with the first man she ever dated, and never had a chance to pursue her dream career and just... wow Alice dear god, someone up there in the heavens hates you! God, I hope this game has an actual happy ending, please! And also it makes me EVEN MORE WORRIED about what happened to her kid, now im starting to worry if maybe he inherited her childhood disease and like.. it only first started manifesting during the apocolypse and she wasnt able to find a doctor in time.. or something... MAN THIS GAME IS GIVING ME A MILLION WAYS THIS SWEET BOY COULD DIE

* Oh but one random complaint... much as I care about Barney, he kinda isnt a very well written character. They fall into a lot of super outdated ‘fake movieverse child’ cliches instead of like.. bothering to listen to what actual kids talk like. He’s always using that fake cutesy talk like ‘i made you a waffle but i eated it’. Its rather jarring! ...but still I WILL DEFEND MY VIRTUAL SON FOREVER dont you dare kill him off just because his dialogue is poorly informalized!

* The next chapter is kinda boring, its not really even a chapter but just an intermission to show us some more gameplay and nothing else. Richard and Alice do nothing but have an awkward fetch quest to find enough stuff to make a pole to reach the termostat outside the jail cell, and then after all that it ends up failing anyway. I guess at least we do get a bit of character development cos we get to see them both frustrated and having a bit of an argument, then making up again, and etc. But meh, bring on the next actual plot flashback!

* “Why does Daddy live in the ground?”

* thats it im done this is how bunni is slain fucking hell

* god, I dunno if I made the right choice but I chose to be honest with the kid and try and explain what death is. I got to hear the backstory of how the dad died, so i THINk that was the right choice? It seems he died back when barney was too young to even really know him. It was at the start of the apocolypse and the family was doing semi okay living in a shared shelter with a bunch of other people. But then it was the start of government aid breaking down and society crumbling, and a gang stole the last food ration pack from them and the dad thought he could reason with them. And its just so sad cos Alice is thinking of all the ways it could have been prevented! ‘We’ve gotten used to surviving with less now, what if we’d just let that food go? we could have lasted’ And what if they’d shot first and asked questions later, instead of trying to be diplomatic. And apparantly back then things were a little less abd so there actually was a trader they could have got more food from, but resources were limited so they decided it wasnt worth it at the time. And the after the gang killed the dad and some of the other leaders of the shelter group, it seems like things just collapsed in a power struggle and thats how Alice ended up alone... And you just have this sad sidequest to gather flowers for his grave and then Barney is all ‘i dont really know him and i dont understand so i feel bad that i cant cry’ and then he’s asking if dead people can hear you from down in the ground. And I picked being honest again, and Alice didnt say yes or no, she just admitted that nobody really knows what happens after you die, and you have to choose what you want to believe. So Barney chooses to try and tell his dad about how they’re having a good day playing in the snow on this adventure, and Alice tells him that Barney’s grown up so big and strong, and Barney says ‘Yeah! Strong like a lion! Or you, daddy!’ and BUNNI’S SOUL SHATTERS INTO A MILLION PIECES

* i am gone i am deceased at this deceaseness aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

* And there’s like an optional note you can find that tells the story about some unnamed kid who was living alone with their friend Lucy and they were trying to survive without any adults to help, and its all SCARILY VAGUE and I hope we get to learn more about them later cos it just says how the same gang who killed the dad was just.. ominously circling around the area and Lucy was acting weird and then dissappeared, with a letter saying she chose to leave for [insert name of far away settlement here] but it was really suspicious and the unnamed kid thinks that the gang was threatening lucy and they must have kidnapped her and faked this note and then the diary just ENDS it just ends with the kid talking about how much they love lucy and cant live without her and we dont know if they found her or if she even really was kidnapped?? ITS SO VAGUE! its so vague that honestly im only just assuming the diary writer was a kid too, i mean maybe they were lucy’s parent or sibling or something? or maybe both them and lucy are older? but the way it was written sounded like they were like early high schoolers or something (then again this game is bad at writing kid characters so maybe not) I MOURN FOR YOU, UNNAMED DIARY PERSON AND LUCY OF MYSTERY

* OH GOD DOOM when it went back to modern day, now its got all mysterious and weird and sad too, AAAARRRGH the heroes are still in prison, but the guards have stopped coming to their cell and theyre stuck here scared and worrying and you dont know if the obvious has actually happened... i mean maybe the prison has been abandoned or everyone died and now they’re stuck here locked in their cell and AAAA eventually the cold will start seeping in and kill them too and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* okay im gonna go get back to playing this game

[scribbles-by-kate]

Thoughts on 6.16 “Mother’s Little Helper”

This was one of those great episodes that reveals things you didn’t know about a character, and thus colours your whole understanding of them in previous episodes. I love when that happens, and I love Gideon so much after this episode. Emma, though, not so much.

My Fan fiction My Once Upon a Time episode reviews, essays, and meta

Gideon is precious - well, of course he is, but the Black Fairy obviously means she has nefarious plans for him. Poor little guy. He’s so cute, and I love Belle’s message in the book.

What happened to Emma’s compassion? - The way she attacks Gideon is disgusting. He’s not even doing anything to her! And how can she just stand there when he says people need help? Original Emma would have been ‘oh my God, who are these people? What can I do to help?’ I thought it was vile the way she choked Gideon and threw him around. And she was so whiny the way she was going on about Hook - ‘You took him away from me’ - grow the fuck up! Can you not live without Hook for one fucking day?! And Gideon comparing Emma frightening him to the power of the Black Fairy to frighten him, and both Emma and the Black Fairy squishing bugs under their boots is paralleling the Black Fairy with Emma. Paralleling your ‘hero’ with your biggest villain is not something you do unless you intend people to make that link between them. This is not a good thing for Emma.

The Black Fairy is jealous of Gideon’s mother - oh, oh, that’s not good. I’m worried about what she might do to Belle. But Gideon is such a lovely, sweet kid the way he defends his mother and insists she stole him from his parents. That scene with Roderick was so heartbreaking. Poor babies. They’re just children!

Emma in the shop - again, more evidence of the ‘Saviour’s’ lack of compassion. And her mother’s too! Talking about mother-daughter bonding over killing Gideon? And the way they barge in demanding answers? And I can’t believe Rumple tells Emma about Gideon being abused and she’s all ‘but she hasn’t threatened anyone else’! Like she didn’t hear Gideon talk about the CHILDREN he swore to protect! At least Snow did seem sympathetic when Rumple revealed the Black Fairy did what she did to Gideon to hurt him, but she’s so back and forth in her sympathies I have whiplash.

Rumple and Belle supporting each other - I LOVE this. I love the sweet back rub and the way he takes up her line of thought with the talk about belief in goodness and hope. They’re so on the same page and it’s amazing.

Regina undoing the queen’s messes - yeah, great, but she could at least mention the mess she’s unable to undo: the queen speeding up Belle’s pregnancy - or do they all believe Rumple did that? Like Belle would be hanging around him if he had!

Henry’s trance - whoa, scary!

The look of someone who needs hope - well, there, for a brief, fleeting moment, is original recipe Emma… And then she’s demanding a show of good faith, something she never asked anyone else for before, and, instead of helping Gideon first, she’s all about getting Hook back: right… Ugh, I don’t like you, Emma.

Hook scenes - ugh, bored. He didn’t need to be in this episode. And I still don’t like that Blackbeard guy. He gives me the creeps.

I knew Gideon summoned that spider - when I saw the book on the table, I knew it was Gideon doing this and not the Black Fairy. That spider was creeeeepy! Who invited Aragog? Oh, yeah, Gideon did.

Gideon has golden magic! - I love this :) It’s the same colour as the magic that created the protection spell over Storybrooke, and that led Belle to the chipped cup. It’s the colour of the magic his parent make together, hence he has golden magic! :)

Gideon and Roderick - ‘be the hero you were meant to be’ - aw! Poor Roderick :( I love how Roderick says ‘we were children’ and doesn’t blame Gideon. And I love how Gideon took that reminder of being a hero from his friend and ran with it. It showed that he wasn’t as far under the Black Fairy’s thrall as it seemed. He was tired and afraid, and felt defeated, but he wasn’t really defeated. I loved Gideon’s apology and how guilty and full of regret he felt all these years. He’s such a good person! And he cries like his mum, which makes me cry :(

Gideon’s apology to Emma - Gideon is good at apologies - shows he’s a good guy. And ‘you should walk away’ is totally something his father would say, and, indeed, did say, also in the Sorcerer’s mansion :) His whole ‘seemed like a good plan at the time’ to explain trying to kill her was a bit awkward, but, given what we discover about his heart, it makes sense. He couldn’t exactly tell her he’s being controlled. And, the way Emma’s been behaving, why would anyone believe she’d help them out of the goodness of their heart?

Isaac’s as bitchy as ever - ha! Or maybe jealous is a better word. His whole ‘this never happened to me’ thing suggests jealousy of Henry.

Henry’s Author powers taking over - ok, what does THAT mean? And, please, Adam and Eddy, don’t pull a Lost and send a child to a mental institution! I don’t want another Walt, guys, please!

Rumple saves Emma - I don’t know how he knew bad shit was going down, but it shows that he’s changing that he does save her. Rumple is the hero we need. He doesn’t let prejudice get in the way when someone needs saving.

Your son cannot be saved: he’s evil - um, excuse you, Emma Swan! How many chances did you give Regina and Hook? They tried to kill you more times than Gideon and you didn’t write them off, but Gideon is ‘Dark One Jr’, so he’s beyond help automatically? Ugh!

Gideon stands up the the Black Fairy - aw, yay! He’s so brave! I was so sorry for him and Roderick :( I love that Gideon’s just refusing to back down, even though he’s afraid of her. You are your parents’ son, baby!

Gideon’s heart - so much makes sense now! So, he wasn’t angry with his parents because he was NEVER angry with them. I’m not sure if the Black Fairy had his heart and sent him into Belle’s dreams to manipulate her, but it’s a possibility after this. That would explain a lot. It would also explain why his first stop after snaking the queen is the shop - he misses his mama and papa! He wants to be with them, but he can’t, because she has his heart and is forcing him to do her dirty work. Ugh, I need him to have his heart back now! My poor precious baby! And, hmm, this is the first time the show has given us a bad guy who turns out to actually be the innocent victim not in control of their actions. That’s a twist the show never did before!

Where’s our boy? - Aw, Belle, my sweet baby! I love her hopeful little smile, but poor Rumple! It’s like ‘ugh, I have to tell her what he did and I don’t want to’ :( My poor babies. Just give them back their son!

You can’t keep cleaning up his messes - uh, isn’t that exactly what you’ve done with Hook, Emma?

Are you threatening my child - I love Rumple defending Gideon and insisting he needs help. I love that he doesn’t relish having to take a stand against her, but he will if she tries to hurt Gideon. I just remember how gleeful he was when he said he’d kill them if anything happened to Belle back in season two, but now he’s more regretful: it’s not something he wants to do. It really does sound like Emma’s going on the offensive, like she’ll kill Gideon before he can kill her, so Rumple’s well within his rights to want to stop her, especially now that we know about Gideon’s heart.

Belle standing by her husband - I love how she looks at him, doesn’t speak, and then moves closer to him after he says he’ll stop Emma from hurting Gideon. Belle supports him. If she didn’t, she’d sure as hell say it. All that matters to her is their son’s safety, and whatever they have to do to ensure that is a-ok with her.

They only see the world in black and white - yes! And the show has had Rumple be right about that before, last season with Belle, but this time it’s even more overt, because the audience knows the Black Fairy has Gideon’s heart, so we know RumBelle are right and the Charmings are wrong :)

The Black Fairy comes through - aw, poor Gideon :( He sounded so pleased when he knew Emma had survived and he thought his grandmother’s plan hadn’t worked, and, then, of course, she’s standing behind him. Poor Gideon. He’s in for more torment :(

The Saviour fights the final battle - dun, dun, dun! So, it’s the last chapter of the book. How will it all end? Not sorry to see the back of Isaac, I have to say.

[nearlyso]

One Piece 852 It’s All Dad’s Fault

I can’t believe the amount of information Oda packed into this chapter! For a chapter between breaks, it gave us plenty to chew on during the wait. For this chapter, I’m going to skip around by topic instead of going through the chapter page by page.

Sanji, Luffy, and The Basket

When we see Sanji in the infirmary, unsurprisingly the basket’s still with him. He’s NOT throwing that food away. It’s sticking around until he reunites with Luffy, and it’s a good thing, too, because Luffy is running on empty.

I found it REALLY interesting when Nami tells Jinbei that Luffy burns 3x more energy than the average person. While I’ve seen this theory used plenty of times in fanworks, and it’s pretty much been a long accepted assumption, I think this is the first time I’ve seen it stated in canon. 

Which means that Oda is going to use this metabolism issue of Luffy’s to create more drama between Sanji and Luffy. If Nami knows that Luffy needs 3x more food than anyone else, then Sanji sure as hell knows that. He also knows that Luffy would starve 3x faster than anyone else. ONE DAY without food for Luffy would then be equivalent to THREE DAYS without food for anyone else.

And surprise, surprise. As soon as Luffy’s free and he knows Jinbei will protect Nami, he’s GONE. BTW JINBEI HAS ALL HIS PARTS SO DID HE LOSE  YEARS? IS HE AN ACTING SH NOW OR WHAT!? I NEED TO KNOW!

But look at him struggling just to get some answers out of ONE guy. His arm is still gushing blood, and he’s in pain, AND wheezing.

He can’t take on a single strong enemy like this, never mind whoever Smoothie may be sending his way. Luffy might FIND Sanji, but I have a feeling it’s Sanji that’s going to be saving Luffy’s ass when he does. 

The Vinsmokes and Sanji

Someone please take a minute to gush over little Sanji in this panel with me because this is the cutest fucking thing I honestly want a figure in THIS EXACT POSE he is completely adorable.

And, it turns out, his adorableness is completely by luck. He could have just as easily turned out to be sadistic and apathetic like his brothers, and it wouldn’t have been his fault.

As much as I hate everything the Vinsmoke brothers did to Sanji, it’s completely NOT THEIR FAULT. It really, honestly isn’t.

And that DOESN’T mean you have to like them, and it DOESN’T mean that you have to forgive them for being the way they are. But it does mean that you can’t blame them for CHOOSING to think they way they do. It’s not a choice.

Judge edited out the emotions needed to choose to be a good person. If you can’t FEEL sympathy, you’re not going to sympathize with others, and you’re not going to understand people who do. You don’t blame someone born blind for not being able to see, even though they’re SUPPOSED to be able to see. You can’t blame the Vinsmokes for not being able to be decent human beings, because the capacity to BE that was robbed from them before birth.

On top of that, with the drug Sola took to counter the operation, AND the fact that she was carrying quadruplets, it’s a miracle all of them survived to term. I’m sure Oda isn’t super savvy when it comes to all the ins and outs of pregnancy, but the more babies, the more risk involved. I wouldn’t be surprised if Judge planned it out this way, just so he wouldn’t have to wait through multiple pregnancies to see how his child soldiers were turning out.

Which makes Reiju and Sola’s (Sora?)roles in Sanji’s childhood clearer. Out of the entire family, only Sanji was like them. He’s Sola’s secret miracle baby. Probably the ONLY one of the sons she sees as an actual, real child. And probably the only one of the brothers that Reiju actually thinks of as a REAL sibling.

 And yet, any help that Reiju might offer Sanji against their brothers as children would have made him a bigger target for them and for Judge, because it would just further emphasize the fact that Sanji came out “wrong”. 

Sola and Judge seem so different personality-wise, I’m thinking that this marriage was not consensual. 

This would explain why Sola was forced to have an operation while pregnant that would change her children for the worse. I’m thinking there’s a lot more to this relationship, but I’ll save that for a separate post.

It’s probable that the drug Sola took gave Sanji a little bit extra in the empathy department, which would be a factor contributing to his selfless nature and willingness to self-sacrifice. 

BTW am I the only one who was kind of happy that Sanji said “Luffy and the others” instead of “Nami and the others”? I like to see moments where Sanji lets it slip that he cares about the guys just as much as the women, so even though it’s a small detail, it kinda made me smile. Especially since I’m anticipating some great Sanji and Luffy moments in the future.

Sanji’s realizing that being willing to sacrifice isn’t always going to be enough.It must be a scary realization because giving his life isn’t ever going to guarantee the lives of his friends. There’s a feeling of power in deciding to sacrifice yourself to save others, so he must be feeling pretty powerless after realizing he can’t protect them,

Reiju 

We knew Reiju was going to end up an ally this arc, Oda’s been building up to it, but now he’s in full-on redemption mode. 

 We see from the flashbacks that Reiju clearly loved her mother, and she rightly holds no grudge against Sanji for their mother’s death. When Sanji left, Reiju was alone with four males, three of whom are genetically incapable of love, and one who might as well be. The loss of her mother, with whom Reiju was allowed to express her emotions, and then the separation from normal, emotion-feeling people must have been very difficult for her. She would have had to show no weakness, or else be seen as a target.      

Now, we have Reiju willing to sacrifice herself (wonder where she learned that?) to see that the other Vinsmokes are killed. She’s been trapped by Judge all these years, and obviously unhappy if the thought of death doesn’t faze her.

And now she’s trying to talk Sanji into saving himself by bringing up his crew. I love when characters outside of the crew acknowledge how special being a part of the SHP really is. This is the friendship version of“don’t let them get away”.

While Sanji just isn’t going to allow Reiju to die ON PURPOSE (what kind of a fool would plan to die? I knew that line would connect to something eventually) if anyone were to die this arc, my money would be on her (and hopefully Judge). Oda wants us to care about her, and she’s remorseful about what she’s done (willingly or not), so I’m sure she’ll have some sort of ultimate redemption by the end of the arc. 

Next chapter we’ll probably see who Smoothie is sending to deal with Luffy  unless Oda decides to shift to Brook/Big mom, Pudding, Chopper/Carrot, and/or Jinbei/Nami.

Maybe we’ll meet Commander Startch? I need Sanji to go save Luffy and

FEED HIM SO HE CAN REGROW HIS TOOTH!!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #183

“clothes trailing from the back door to the bedroom, and i don’t even know your name.”

Would you ever become a fan of a team you hate to please your spouse? Lol no. Can you handle scary movies? Easily. How often do you get a new purse…and for guys a new wallet? Not often at all. What is the most money that you have ever spent on getting your nails done? This doesn't apply to me, I don't get them done. Once a cheater, always a cheater? No, but I wouldn't date someone who ever did. What word describes your last relationship? Verification, I suppose? I learned I love him just platonically. Do you sneak into movie theaters? No. You can make one person fall eternally in love with you, who do you choose? I don't want to *make* anyone do that. Is there ever a happily ever after? Yeah, but sadly not for everyone. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? Not terribly, but the closet could make me nervous. Do you like guys with beards? It depends on the guy. What annoys you most of the same sex? This isn't generalizing, I think we can all agree girls have a greater tendency to be short in arguments or if we're just in a bad mood. Do you have a fake I.D.? No. Would you ever travel to Africa? I already wanna go. Would you date someone 5 years older than you? Yeah. Does it bother you when girls make duck faces? It doesn't bother me, I just think it looks dumb. Have you ever been fingered? Yeah. Have you ever been to California? Did you like it? Never gone. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch YT, RP, browse dA, surveys... Do you like to dance? If so, what is your favorite move? I do, but there's no way I could survive dance classes in my current shape. Fave move, idk. When was the last time you got a haircut? Few days before going to Sara's in October. I need another. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? YUP. I won't date you if it's any more than very rarely. Honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you? No. what is your favorite font? Of the "normal" ones, Garamond. Would you make a good movie critic? Noooo. I'm not very criticizing of movies, honestly. Do you like deviled eggs? Omfg NO. I fucking abhor egg yolk in any form. What is your favorite Horror movie? Either of the Blair Witch Project movies. What career are you most interested in? Paleontologist. Have you ever seen a rooster? Welcome to the South, buckaroo. What’s your favorite sweetheart name (baby, honey, angel, dumpling) "Love" or "sweetheart." Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yes. Have you ever thrown a grenade? No. Have you ever owned a rocking horse? Maybe? Who was the last person you took a picture with? Sara. What’s your favorite kind of float? (coke, root beer) Coke. Have you ever seriously mourned the death of a pet? Like extremely seriously, not really, I think? Shadow was hard, but I don't believe it was too serious. I saw him dying days before it happened. Can you surf/boogie board? No. Medals, ribbons, or trophies? (or just plain cash?) I'll take the money. If any of your friends had really bad body odor, would you tell them? No. Would you ever try anal? If you have, were you always keen to try it? NO NO NO IT GROSSES ME OUT SO MUCH. What age do you want to live until? Maybe like, at least 70. If all jobs paid the same, what would you be doing? Photography. If you heard your best friend’s significant other was cheating on them, would you tell them? Even if you couldn’t prove it? No shit, but I'd be sure to include I only heard it. What is the story behind your pet’s name? Teddy: reminded us of a teddy bear. Bentley: idk. Roman: thought it sounded regal, like cats. Venus: beautiful, her color is similar to the planet. Mitsu: I gave all my rats "m" names. Kaiju: I'd wanted an iguana named after a huge lizard creature forever. What’s something that you once liked, but now hate? Country music. If you were to get engaged, what’s your dream engagement ring? Rose gold something. If you discovered you were pregnant at this point in time, would you keep it or abort it? Why? If out of my own carelessness, I'd keep it but adopt it out. If in any other way, idk. If my life was at risk, yes, and I'd really have to consider if it'd be too traumatic for me with how I feel about pregnancy. What is the last thing you googled? I forgot. Throughout your life, what was your favorite birthday and why? Idk. If everyone was required to make a YouTube channel, what would your content be like? Um... I suppose chill let's plays, no camera? I'd want to hide my identity 'cuz I ain't even risking popularity. How far away do you live from the closest mall? 15-ish minutes? Why do you dislike/hate the person you most dislike/hate? I don't hate anyone I personally know, but I most dislike Colleen for a novel of reason. Are you disrespectful to a lot of people? Definitely not. Do you like the color pink? Pink is everything. On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? Haven't in a long time. Doesn’t it annoy you when couples post things to each other’s wall on Facebook that are all mushy and gross and NO ONE CARES? No, fuck off. Let people express love of each other. You SHOULD care to some degree that a couple lives in love. What was the last song you had on repeat? "Black Wedding" by In This Moment ft. Rob Halford. Are you drifting away from your best friend? Absolutely not. Would you feel hurt if your last ex was in a relationship? No, I'd be super happy for him. Are you currently wanting any piercings? Always. Do you have trouble sleeping when it’s storming? Nooo, bring it on. What language do you want to learn how to speak? German. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. Did you ever watch Lilo & Stitch as a child? I was obsessed. Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No, flew past one to Sara's, though. Do you have light posts on your street? No. How about sidewalks? No. What is one food combination you enjoy that others might think is weird? Waffles/pancakes with peanut butter. How do you tend to feel when the year is ending? Hopeful for new beginnings, dreading the ending, etc? I don't feel anything about it. There's nothing truly special about it. What bad habit have you had the longest? What about a good habit? Picking at my nails; manners. Is there anything you do that you are ashamed of? What about proud? Download music; treat animals with the respect they deserve. What is one compliment you find particularly meaningful? What about an insult you find particularly devastating? Calling me kind; calling me weak or that I'll go nowhere. Have you ever had a lucid dream? Share it, if you wish? No. Do you find sleep paralysis to be scary or not so much? Never experienced it, but it sounds absolutely horrifying. Do you have any truly unpopular opinions? If so, share one? Sure. Hormone treatment is an awful idea. What would you say is your biggest accomplishment from the past year? Uhhhhh. I suppose making big progress stretching past my comfort zone. When was the last time you went through a major life change/event? I think me coming out last year was a pretty big event, especially as it led to an incredible relationship. How many places have you lived throughout your life, and which one was your favorite? Four, and as far as location, #3. Overall happiness in the home, #2. Without saying names, what is something you wish you could say to someone? "Look who was wrong." Do you have any typing quirks, or do you prefer to type ‘properly’? I think I use the wrong shift key for a certain letter... but idk off the top of my head. Who do you judge more harshly - others or yourself? Myself. What is the most difficult thing you have ever had to accept? Jason no longer loved me. What is something you do to help yourself feel better on a bad day? Watch some of my fave YT vids. Who or what in life has taught you the most about love? The breakup. Other than in a plane, what’s the highest elevation you’ve experienced? Have you ever had altitude sickness? Driving on a mountain, and no. If you had all the artistic ability you needed, what kinds of things would you most like to draw? MY OCS. Or just meerkats in general, but with macabre scenes. What’s a song that you’re ashamed to say you like? "Bitches" by Hollywood Undead, for one. Ever had sex in a public place? No. Do you do something about it when your stomach hurts, or just let it be? I take medicine. I handle stomachaches very poorly. Do you ever have binges that last for hours, watching YouTube videos? Um?????? Every day????????????????? Do you believe sex should be mandatory in an ongoing dating relationship? No. How do you feel about smoking weed? I've gotten more and more "whatever" about it, but I'm still not a huge fan of the idea. We already complain about cigs and cancer, why legalize something with more carcinogens? Medicinally tho, I'm for it. What foods can you absolutely not eat? Beans are a big 'ole fuck no. Kisses on the cheek or the neck? Depends on the mood. List four things about your facial appearance: I have a real obvious dimple on my left cheek. I have two prominent scars on my chin from when I fainted directly onto it. My eyes are gray/greenish blue. I've been told a lot I have long eyelashes but I don't wanna get up and go to a mirror to verify. List four things about your general appearance: I have dry skin, mY LEG HAIR IS FUCKING PITCH BLACK AND I HATE IT, the nail on my left ring finger is slightly deformed, and I have really thick hair. It’s getting pretty cold now, isn’t it? Do you have the heating on? Yes. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Kinda hot, normally. What are you favorite color eyes? Sapphire or light blue. Do you have long arm hair? Not really. Does your family put up Christmas lights? Yes. Favorite holiday? Halloween. Any bands you used to like and are now embarrassing to you? Not off the top of my head... but there's probs some. Have you ever taken part in a threesome? No. Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. When was the last time you built a sandcastle? Forever ago. Do you care about gun laws? Yes. How does alcohol affect you? I become more talkative and outgoing, and I get a warm sensation in my stomach. I don't know if my face still flushes. What color is your toothpaste? Blue. Have you ever inhaled helium? Shit, have I? What is your favorite kind of pasta? Normal noodles. Do you keep up-to-date with current news and events? Noooot at all. Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't really feel he meant it. Who is the worst driver you know? How about the best driver? Jason; Mom, easily. Honestly, have you ever said a racist joke? I actually don't believe so. Are you comfortable hanging out with your friend’s boyfriends/girlfriends? I can't really relate to this, but it wouldn't bother me. Where were you when you got your first period? I'd just gotten home from school. Are you more attracted to men or women? Ohhhh that's hard. Romantically, easily women, but sexually, uh... idrk. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? huh True or False: Everything happens for a reason. False. Who was the last person to really hurt you? Mom. What was the main subject of your last telephone conversation? I was locked outside of my house and needed Mom to come home to help. When drinking hard alcohol do you take shots more or make mixed drinks? I can't handle hard alcohol period. What is one song you listen to that you’re sure not many people do? Off the top of my head, I love "Abenteuerland" by Pur. Have you ever woken up next to someone after a night of drinking? No. Does your mail go to a P.O Box or to a mailbox at your house? A mailbox. Who was the last person from your high school graduating class you saw? Uhhh most likely Colleen. Do you enjoy kissing? Ye. What about making out? Yeah. Where are you most ticklish? DON'T FUCKIN TOUCH MY FEET. Have you ever been to an arena concert? No. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yes. Has a friend ever really hurt you and you never told them? Maybe? Have you ever stayed on a ride at a theme park to ride it again? No. Where do you want to raise your children? I'm not having kids, but hypothetically, in nature. Are you afraid that if you do have children they will turn out like you? No. Have you ever slow danced to a song you didn’t know? No. Has someone ever dedicated a song to you? Yes. Do you like to have your hair pulled? I'm indifferent. Definitely don't do it hard. Do you work any holidays? N/A What is a quality someone might not assume you have? Apparently from being told, when I'm forced into talking, I don't seem shy??? I don't see it. When you are in a group that is overwhelmingly male, how noticeable is it to you? Does it make you feel any differently than being in a group that is mixed or predominantly female? It's noticeable to me, and I'm likely to be more anxious. Especially if I'm not with someone else. I'd feel safer with females. Do you have a makeup item or style trick that you feel improves your look significantly and that you feel like you couldn’t go without now that you have it? I feel eyeliner makes me look far better above anything else, but I like, never wear makeup period. Did you have to “unlearn” any expectations or wrong ideas, particularly about romance, that you gained as a child either from media you consumed or from people around you (e.g., fairy tale endings, or that dramatic relationships are healthy, etc.)? Happy endings, that if you tried hard enough, love always prevailed. Are there any bands or artists that you were really into at one point but that you never listen to anymore, not even to reminisce? Ummm not that I recall? What are some wedding trends that you really dislike? If you can’t think of anything, have you ever seen something at a wedding that made you cringe? Ummm idk. Is there something that happened in high school that you’re still salty about (e.g., a bully getting credit for your work)? Nah, not that I can think of. When someone hurts your feelings or offends you are you more likely to lash out at them, quietly withdraw, or something else? Withdraw, but become pretty short and/or sarcastic. Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? No. Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? No. Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from? Yes, and no. What’s your boss’s first name? Do you call him/her by that name? N/A Who was the last person you played a video game with? I played Pokemon with my niece and nephew. :') They loved it and I was a V PROUD aunt. Last game you played at an arcade? Who even knows. Last funeral you attended? Uhhhh. I don't remember. I want to say for my old babysitter, but that doesn't sound accurate... I swear I've been to one after. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? Does the little piggy one count cuz I LOVED THAT SHIT with my mom. Who was your childhood hero? Steve Irwin. He's still a hero to me. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don't have a fave. What was the name of your first stuffed animal? Oh BOY, I couldn't tell you. It was a little bunny holding a polka-dot blanket. What was your least favorite food as a child? Idk. Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? At work. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I've no clue. What was your favorite place to visit as a child? THE ZOO BITCH TAKE ME AWAY Have you ever stayed in a cheap motel? No, I'm too much of a paranoid germaphobe to. What about a 5 star hotel? I highly doubt it. Have you ever gotten a massage? Not professionally. Have you ever given a massage? Yeah. Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? The latter. What is the last gift you received and from who? A snake keychain Sara made. :') What are you currently dressed in? Skull pj pants with an Umbreon tank. Are you listening to any music right now? If so, what are you listening to? "Not The American Average" by Asking Alexandria slaps.