#Hoping my coffee will help bc im still sooo tired

[neathdarkwcters]

Changes in my sleep have definitely been happening but i don't know that they're for the better.. i haven't remembered my dreams since highschool, i simply clock out and then i'm awake again. after a large theraoy section, i've been able to experience and remember all of my dreams 🤔 this means 2 things: really good stories of nonsense, they wake me up sometimes or leave me feeling tired when i naturally wake up

i'm back on my "awake for 10 min at 3am" sort of cycle that i used to have... as a teenager! ACK! DON'T TAKE ME BACK THERE! MY STRAIGHT A'S GOAL WILL SHRIVEL AND DIE!!

[gildedskull]

My friends ‘kidnapped’ me to go out and hang with everyone. Not really lots of complaints down below but I do talk about the nothing that happened. This blog’s a fuckin diary okay.

It was nice going out, we went to the city and went to some cool stores but liek,,, I really didn’t have a good time. I was with my other friend, not the 😬 friend, but the mutual friend who i planned to also cut off things off so they weren’t caught in the middle of everything. It was other friend and their sister, and then mutual friend who is 😬 friend’s roommate. It was 😬 friend’s idea and they had slept through the ‘kidnapping’ part of it, missed hanging out in the city for like 4 hours, and then we were only together at their place for like 2 hours, if that.

So. Like. Didn’t have a great time. Like it wasn’t bad, but it definitely didn’t show me that I was missing out on anything. That I needed friends. For one I was just fucking tired, like for no reason, and I had a headache the entire time. And then we just did nothing which is fine I guess but I felt like I was doing nothing but wasting time. And the thing that like sucks that’s no one’s fault is how long it took do everything, like they kidnapped me, we drove an hour to pickup the roommate, and then spent another hour and a half driving to the location and wasting some time at just generic Target before getting to the cool part of the area (thrift shops, bars, antique shops). And the cool part wasn’t so cool because we just went to the same two shops and everythings expensive as fuck - we did go to a cool place called the rabbit hole and I bought some things but otherwise it just felt like we were wasting time but not in the fun way. The entire time I had a headache, and we didn’t really talk about anything important, and then we got the roommate and she just doesn’t know how to stop talking and like that didn’t make my headache better - like it was so bad I was being sensitive to lights and getting car sick... I didn’t say much bc I didn’t want to ruin people’s time. They did give me some aspirin that didn’t help. I tried downing coffee and an energy drink and I was still so fucking tired, like it most definitely effected the amount of fun I was having but like I don’t know if I felt bad bc no reason or bc I knew I was hanging out with them and didn’t want to.

But like, this entire thing was 😬 Friend’s idea and they didn’t show up. And I wanted to maybe talk to mutual friend about it but felt weird doing it in front of their sister - but even then I didn’t say shit to friend, I told the sister about it!!! And I think I did because I knew she wouldn’t say anything, like she didn’t disapprove or was like shocked or proud or nothing, she just absorbed it which I think was nice. I think I didn’t tell Friend 2 about it bc I knew they’d feel awkward or hurt, or feel like they have to walk on eggshells or smthing idk.

But I told the Sister, and she was cool about it and was even like hey we’ll have a signal when we wanna leave their apartment - we didn’t end up using it but yeah it was still nice of her to be like that. And like I told her when we were in a place where I knew we wouldn’t be alone for long, so like I knew she couldn’t console me. I feel only kinda bad like ‘putting this on her shoulders’ but its really not that major, I said it was a ‘secret’ and I don’t think she’ll tell friend 2, but I’m not bothered if she does. I’d be okay with that and I hope she doesn’t feel bad about keeping it.

At the apartment it felt weird seeing them again. Like they mostly acted like nothing happened, and just berated me saying to care about the people who care about me - and I’m like they don’t fucking care about me but yeah. I was pleasant, I didn’t say anything - I actually didn’t say anything to them at all. They were like bro wtf and again doing the general like hey don’t be a piece of shit and don’t contact people, and I just :I and nodded - fuck I barely made eye contact with them. They hugged me coming and going and it felt bad and wrong. They have no clue how I feel and how hurt I was and am, and I don’t think they’ll ever understand. They updated me on like their family issues  and then was like yeah man you missed out on dnd - I didn’t tell them but again was like bro I don’t give a flying fuck about dnd, I’m done, I fucking quit, you and your friends are too fucking much. I gave them as much of a cold shoulder as I could without making the entire social setting weird. Again. No one noticed anything.

My birthday and halloween are coming up soon and it’s my favorite holiday and it’s friend’s 2 favorite holiday and we always always always throw a party that turns into my birthday party, my birthday is nov 1 - we haven’t talked anything about plans - but I think that’s because previously I invited them over to my sister’s house where we’d watch movies and dress up and drink with their big projector screen. I’m dreading any of them bringing that up. Again they have no fucking clue about anything. And I know my sister knows about what the plan was, about the party that was gonna happen, hell she was just as excited as us, and I don’t want to tell her about what’s going on. I don’t want to have to say yeahhhh, that thing you were excited about cancel it bc im being a bitch baby with my friends and trying to cut them off. And even then, if they try and do their own party and invite me, I don’t think I couldn’t go; like I think they’d find that suspicious as fuck AND try and kidnap me again. I mean Ima try in all my power to not go, but this will be what finally ‘rocks the boat’ I think. Frankly I’m just hoping no one says anything and forgets about it, I was generally the one making the plans for it so fingers crossed.

I thought I could maybe try and stay friends with friend 2 after the outing but they’re sooo much friends with Them and Roommate that I’d have to tolerate spending time with them and I don’t think that’d be fun for anyone. I don’t think I should have to put myself through that, I’m sick of compromising for everyone. I really really like friend 2 and their friendship and want to stay in their life but I don’t want to suffer and I don’t want them to feel bad for being caught in the middle whatsoever. Like I’m sooo tempted to just going back and being friends, but I’m tired. I’ve read my old posts, I remember my feelings and how hurt i’ve been - and I have changed and they’ve changed, but that doesn’t make that time invalid and doesn’t make the most recent shit invalid, like they’ve still be hurting me all this time - I’ve spent years hurting and I’m finally putting my foot down and refusing to be hurt. I don’t want to go back to bending over backwards and taking the high ground, I’m sick of it. It’s been a toxic ass relationship, and I no longer feel ‘guilty’ for not being their friend and confidant, they have roommate now and a home and a place, and other people who love them. They’ll be okay without me and I’ll be better without them.

[sk1nnyblogxr]

Helloooo :) So i haven't been very active on here, but I've got my reasons.

I have been eating in a "good" caloric defecit the last weeks, and by that i mean Iv'e lost 3kg in about 2 weeks, WITHOUT starving!! 😋

It has been hard, yes. Im not gonna lie, bc sometimes i just sit and look at my food and i feel sick.

I have also been walking alot, and it feels so good. The amount of calories i have consumed has been between 900 and 1300 every day, and for me, thats really good. I even had a few pieces of candy yesterday, and i didn't gain a gram 🤷‍♀️ I feel great that Iv'e lost weight, while im still eating pretty good.

Sure i wish i would be at my goalweight right now, but then i also know i wouldn't feel this good overall. Instead id be much colder, more tired, and i wouldn't be able to see my friends eighter.

So every small step to a healthier Lifestyle is something we all should be proud of!!

And please remember that being healthy is not only based on how your body looks, it's actually mostly about how you feel on the inside.

Its healthy to be able to meet with friends and have a laugh. Its healthy to be able to go out for a long walk and feeling good in your mind and body afterwards, and not feeling sore, and not shaking bc of the loss of energy, and not feeling cold all the time. Because THATS when the happiness starts coming back. Socialise, laugh, dont think to much, and go outside for a walk because it's NICE not because you "have to".

That is what being healthy really is about. And i know that this may sound sooo hard to do, and even think about. And it is gonna be scary and hard to try to step up your calories just a little, but its OK.

Every wound takes time to heal, and so do you.

I know that far from everyone is ready to take a step towards being healthier. And i dont judge anyone, because i have just started myself, and it's hard, but i feel good more often than i feel bad. And before it was the other way around.

I know not many people read my blog, but if you read this, please reblog and let other people in on this page, because i really hope it can help people to get better.

Here are some of the tips im using to get better:

• Drink water to stay hydrated

• Step up your calories a little each/every other day. (How much is up to you, as long as you step up a little each week)

• Take your time. There are going to be bad days where you want to give up, but dont.

• Take a walk everyday. (You dont have to, but its good for your mind to get some fresh air)

• If u feel ready, face your fear food. (For me thats carbs, fat, sugar and diary)

• Keep eating healthy food like salads & greens and meat. It wont make you fat, it Will get you healthier habits.

• Take your time, and dont stress.

• Eat 3 MEALS a day (Breakfast, lunch, dinner) and add in two snacks during the day. (I usally eat an apple as a snack, or rice cakes)

• Tips to the one above: Keep a goal to finish whats on your plate, but remember its OK not to. As i said before, take your time.

• Make your food look and taste good. It will make it more fun, and will build up your image of food as being something fun again.

• To the one above: If you cook your own meals, have fun while cooking! Dance to music, sing, talk to someone over the phone. Do whatever YOU Think is fun.

• Dont be afraid to taste your food while cooking. (I have tried it and i promise, it Will NOT make you gain weight.)

• Talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings. (If you dont have anyone to talk to in person, Tumblr is full of people who would like to talk. Including me.

• Stay positive and do things that make you feel good

• Eat the food you think taste good

• Have that piece of chocolate

• Eat that cracker to your coffee

• Read stuff like this :)

Hope this helps someone. X ♡

[horansqueen]

sugardaddy!niall: maybe u two have been together for awhile and he owns this company and you come to see him while he’s at work simply bc you missed him and he ends up fucking you on his desk

you request i shall write. lol seriously tho i got two asks about this so i had to write it haha! idk if its really “sugar daddy” like but its the request i got :) sooo here it is. i didnt proofread, im tired and shit. ill check that tomorrow. 2.8k SMUT.

It was the fourth evening in a row that Niall rain-checked on me.  I knew he was busy and I normally didn't insist to spend time with him, but I felt a bit neglected and I couldn't lie. I left the food I had ordered for us on the counter without even taking the time to put it in the fridge, knowing i'd probably end up eating it every evening by myself.

I grabbed a sweater quickly, hitting redial on my cellphone for the second time tonight as I walked quickly to my car. The night was warm enough for late spring but I liked keeping the windows of my car open when I drive. I groaned when it immediately reached voicemail and sat in my car, dialing an other number. It rang twice, three times, and I cursed as I started the car, putting my seat belt on. I recognized the voice immediately and licked my lips.

"Hey Cindy, it's Y/N, could you please put me in communication with my husband?"

There was a moment of hesitation on the line and she cleared her throat.

"It's good to hear from you Mrs Horan, unfortunately Mr Horan asked not to be disturbed."

I grimaced and shut my eyes tight before inhaling deeply.

"I tried reaching his cellphone but he turned it off and it's very, very important, Cindy."

It was not a complete lie but it wasn’t the truth either. I missed him, and that was important, right? I asked him a million times to tell his secretary that I was an exception to that rule but most of the time, he forgot. I couldn't blame him, he had tons of things to think about, I just wished I was in his top five.

We got married a long time ago, almost right after high school, and it's only a few years later that he decided to start his company. It was not easy at first, and there were weeks we barely survived but suddenly, things started to get better and now, we had more money we'd ever need for this lifetime, and even the next one. I would give all of it to spend every evening with him, though, but that I would never tell him.

"I'm very sorry Mrs Horan, I can't." she apologized, making me grimace again. "But as soon as I see him, I will tell him you called."

I knew it was not polite but I just sighed and hung up on her. I was getting mad that I was not getting a special treatment that wives should always get and I threw my phone on the passenger's seat in frustration.

The ride to Niall's work was short and the cool but pleasant breeze brought me back a part of my good mood. I had no idea how i'd convince Cindy to let me get to his office and I thought about it during the whole elevator ride. When the doors opened with a 'ding', I got out of my thoughts and looked up. I walked right in front of me without stopping at her desk and when she noticed me, she quickly jumped off her seat and ran after me.

"Mrs Horan, Mrs Horan I'm very sorry but like I said."

I reached Niall's door and swung it open, leaving the three of us completely motionless. Cindy's eyes got as round as two quarters and her face expressed fear but while she almost peed her pants, my lips curled when I saw my husband.

He was sitting on his desk, his phone in hands, but he had stopped mid-sentence when the door opened. After a few seconds, his face seemed to illuminate and he smiled back at me, bringing the bottom of the phone near his lips again.

"I'm gonna have to call you back." he stated, followed by a few seconds of silence. "Thank you, I'll see you tomorrow."

He hung up the phone, still staring at me, and it made me smile even more.

"I'm sorry Mister Horan, I tried to stop her but-"

"Thank you, Cindy." he cut her, his eyes never leaving me. "You can close the door behind you."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, waiting for his secretary to do as she was told, and took a few steps closer, wrapping my arms quickly around his neck.

"I missed you too much."

"Did you?" he asked, sending me a smirk while his arms slithered around my waist, pulling me closer. "I sent you flowers though, and a note."

Once again, I chuckled.

"I got them. The house is filled with flowers. And empty of you." I argued. "When there's too many flowers, it means you haven't been home in a while."

I watched his nose raise in a grimace and slipped one of my hands in his hair. I knew he felt guilty, and that was not what I wanted. I just wanted him to spend  time with me.

"I'm sorry, petal."

I shivered at the nickname and tilted my head, my eyes roaming on his face.

"Next time you come home don't be surprised if I hit you with a pan." I joked, shrugging. "I haven't seen you there in so long I may not recognize you at all."

He laughed and pulled me closer, his lips pressing softly against mine. My eyes fluttered close and I sighed low, feeling happiness fill my whole body. The fact that I was still so in love after so long was not even surprising to me. He was perfect. Well, when he was there.

"I miss you too, petal." he whispered, deepening the kiss as he pushed my body more against him.

I brought my hands to his cheeks, cupping his face, kissing him harder and deeper, letting out a short whimper. He swallowed it and groaned, his lips reaching my jaw and brushing down to my neck.

"We could have done this at home." I pointed out in a murmur, making him move away slightly to look in my eyes.

"But would it be as exciting?"

I laughed, shaking my head as I stared at him.

"What are you saying? Do you plan on fucking me here?"

His smile turned into a smirk and it made my heart jump in my chest. I was waiting for him to laugh and admit he was kidding but he just grabbed the bottom of my sweater and pulled it off, letting it fall next to his desk. I felt like I should have dressed better but he still studied me attentively, his eyes moving down on my shirt and jeans.

"Oh I do."

I licked my lips and waited a few seconds before bringing my hands to his tie, loosening it a bit. I bit my bottom lip and tilted my head as I started working on the buttons of his shirt.

"Do you know how hot you look wearing that?" I asked, my eyes following my fingers as it reached the last button. "You're always hot but the suit is just on an other level."

"Is it?" he wondered, making me nod. "Do you know what's my favorite outfit on you?"

I shook my head, bringing my eyes back up into his as I ran my hands on his chest gently, my fingertips brushing against his skin. I was starting to be turned on and I had to admit that doing this in his office was exciting. It was not what I came here for, but I would definitely not decline the proposition.

"I love when you wear absolutely nothing."

I felt my lips curl into a large smile and licked them slowly.

"That can be arranged." I laughed, making him grin again.

I took my shirt off as he worked on my jeans and when I stepped out of them, I stood almost naked in front of him. His hands reached for my waist and slid up to my breasts. He let out a low groan as his thumbs rubbed against my nipples and I tried to forget about the throbbing between my legs.

"I love when you don't wear a bra, petal."

My lips parted and I unbuttoned his pants quickly, dropping to my knees. His fingers brushed on my cheeks and I brought his pants and boxers down before looking up. I smiled at his tie clearly pointing me to his half-erected cock and I wrapped both my hands around it. Bringing my face closer, I started sucking on his head, my hands working on him slowly.

"Fuck, pet, don't be a tease."

I smiled, one of my hands moving to his balls as I took him deeper. I felt his cock swell on my tongue and moaned low, making him groan. He looked down at me, grabbing his tie and throwing it over his shoulder to see me better. His fingers slipped in my hair and he gripped it hard, holding my head in place as he thrust slightly in my mouth. I felt the tip of his dick reach the back of my throat and gagged a bit, making him smile. He pulled on my hair, making his cock slip out and my head move back, bending down to me and crushing his lips against mine.

"Get up."

I obeyed immediately and he pushed me against his desk, bending closer to me. His lips once again ended on my neck and he nibbled gently on my skin as he pushed the stuff on his desk. His papers and documents fell on the floor with a surprising noise and I held my breath, turning around to see a cup of cold coffee and his computer were the only things left close to me. He grabbed my waist and helped me sit on the warm wood of his desk, pulling on my panties a bit roughly. I squirmed to help him and he threw them away, instantly moving down to press his lips between my legs. Once again, I inhaled deeply and held my breath as he avidly ran his tongue on my pussy. I held myself on my elbows to take a look at him, bringing my feet on the desk, opening my legs even more to give him a better access. I tried hoping for no one to walk in without knocking but all I could focus on was how his lips wrapped perfectly around my clit. He sucked on it hard and one of my legs started shaking as I did my best to keep my moans low. His tongue slipped inside me and he groaned against me, bringing me even closer to an orgasm.

I gripped his hair hard and pulled on it. His eyes met mine as he sucked on my pussy again and I bit my bottom lip so hard I almost hurt myself.

"Please, Niall, fuck me."

My voice was low but pleasing and when he got up, I lied down on his desk, my messy hair spread around my head and grabbed his shirt, pulling him on top of me. I whimpered against his mouth when I felt his hard cock press on my pussy. His tip slipped inside me easily as I kissed him harder and deeper. He held himself over me, his forearms on each side of my face, and pushed himself slowly inside me while I wrapped my legs around him.

"Oh my god, Niall, I can't believe you're fucking me here." I whispered, making him chuckle against my mouth.

"Do you know how many times I thought about this?"

His words made me shiver and i closed my eyes as he pulled his head away slightly, moving his hips to go in and out of me extremely slowly. I whimpered every single time he was completely inside me and he finally bent down again to grab my upper lip between his, sucking on it gently.

"You feel so fucking amazing, petal." he murmured. "I'm so in love with you."

It didn't matter how many times he said that, and it didn't matter how many times we had sex, it always felt as special as the first time.

"I'm in love with you too." I breathed, grinning back when he sends me a fond smile.

He moved back up to stand, his hands fondling my thighs before he started fucking me harder. I felt myself jerk with each thrust and my heart jumped in my chest when I noticed his eyes roaming on my body.

"Do you know how much I love watching your tits move while I fuck you?" he admitted in a low tone, putting his hands on my knees and holding them, spreading my legs to go deeper. "It makes me want to cum inside you."

I nibbled on my bottom lip and brought both my hands to my breasts, grabbing them harder and moaning low.

"Fuck, you're perfect."

He took a step back and let go of my knees. I grimaced slightly when I felt his cock slip out of me completely and he helped me up, kissing me some more. His dick spread my own wetness on my lower stomach as he pulled me closer, pushing his body against mine and after a few minutes, he gently turned me around and pushed on my back. I bent down, my chest pressing on the desk and held my breath when I felt his hand hit one of my ass cheeks gently the first time and then much harder. With his free hand, he hit my other cheek with his cock a few times, the sound bringing the perfect image of it in my head. I wiggled a bit and he chuckled, gripping my ass with both hands and spreading it a bit, positioning his dick before pushing himself inside me again.

"Oh god," I moaned, feeling myself throb around him.

A knock at the door was heard and we both held out breaths and stopped moving. He bent down, his chest against my back as his hand pressed firmly on my mouth.

"I'm busy, come back later." he almost yelled after clearing his throat.

"But Mister Wilson is on the phone, and he says it's urgent."

"Tell him I'll call him back." he argued again.

"But he-"

"Cindy." he expressed harshly. "I'm busy."

We waited until the sound of her high heels disappeared and he let go of my mouth, making me lick my lips.

"She said it was urgent." I pointed out, a bit mad that I was unable to see his face.

However, I could feel him breathe, his chest moving against my back, and I knew his heart was beating as hard and as fast as mine.

"The real emergency here is to make my beautiful wife cum."

I chuckled, feeling his lips on my shoulder, and ground my ass against him. I closed my eyes, feeling his cock go deeper inside me and he groaned against my skin, his arm wrapping around me to reach between my legs. He started fucking me again, slowly and then quicker, while rubbing my clit in motion with his thrusts.

"Oh fuck, Niall, I'm gonna cum."

I shut my eyes tighter and pushed myself against him more, fucking myself harder on his dick, his fingers following my rhythm.

"Do it, I want to feel you cum around my cock."

I held my breath as I started shaking against him, my fingers trying to grip something and my nails scraping on the wood of his desk.

"Fuck, I'm cumming!"

I tried not to be too loud and he kept rubbing me and fucking me through my orgasm.

"I fucking love watching you cum."

When I stopped quivering and got down from my high, he let go of me to grip my waist and fuck me harder, trying to reach his peak too. It only took a few seconds and he took a step back, slipping out of me. I felt the tip of his cock brush over and over on my ass as he jerked himself until he came, spurting on me.

"Jesus Christ, you're so hot."

Unexpectedly, he pushed his still hard cock inside me again, fucking me and cumming inside me. He pulled out, breathing through his teeth while his hands ran on my back. We were both a panting mess and he finally bent over against my back again.

"Mm, I just came here to beg you to come home." I admitted in a low tone. "But I got more than I thought I'd get."

Niall laughed, trailing kisses on my shoulders, making goosebumps appear on my back, his lips pressing on my salty skin.

"You should have called." he whispered, his mouth brushing against me.

"I tried but your cellphone is off and your secretary said you didn't want to be disturbed."

"She should know you never ever bother me." he let out, his hands caressing gently my waist and down my thighs.

"You should tell her that."

"Trust me, I will." he promised. "As long as you visit more often."