#His friggin role model !!!! WHATEVER …

[peachy-keenss]

YOU don’t get to mess with him, that’s her job!

[just-jordie-things]

The Crown - Steve Harrington

word count: 4462 warnings: dedicated to @high-functioning-fangirl02 <3

You’d give your life to protect these kids.  

These kids you’ve known since you started babysitting them in the sixth grade.  Back when Mrs Henderson hired you to watch Dustin.  Which essentially meant that you’d watch all of them.  But that was alright, over the past seven years of being their designated babysitter, you’d grown to love them all.

Mike Wheeler, the snarky little love-struck shit that you spent grieving with since losing Eleven.  Lucas Sinclair, the sweet boy with the occasional attitude whom you helped construct his Ghostbusters costume. Will Byers, the full time sweetheart that made you cookies for Valentine’s Day after hearing you complain about being dateless.  And of course Dustin, cute little button nosed Dusty with a trash mouthing tendency, whom looked up to you like a role model.

Hell, you were their role model.  Driving them to and from school, covering for them on late nights so they could finish their D&D tournaments.  Fiercely protecting them a year ago when Hawkins was Demogorgon infested.  Standing up for them when you’d see some upperclassmen picking on them.

Those who dared glance the wrong way towards The Party in your presence, were rumored to run home crying with a bleeding nose and terrified shriek.  You never put down the rumors… because maybe it had happened once or twice…

Over time The Party was no longer just a band of middle schoolers.  It had opened up to their babysitter, being you, a senior girl who had not many other friends.  Nancy Wheeler, Jonathan Byers, which the boys always claimed was strictly because of family relations.  Not because Dustin was still harbouring a crush for Mike’s older sister.  The town Sheriff, Jim Hopper, who’d proved himself not to be an asshole, and turned out an alright guy.  Joyce Byers, whom you loved like a mother and whom treated you like her own daughter.  You’d frequently been titled ‘the daughter she wished to have had’ which always raised a snarky response from her sons.  Maxine (just Max.  Never Maxine) Hargrove, a high spirited and not your typical girl that you grew fond of easily.  Especially since she was nothing like her big brother.

And then there was Steve Harrington.  Who… really just was at the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up getting roped into the mess that Hawkins Lab had created.  King Steve, as you’d known him before you’d officially met last year by fluke accident, was always the popular boy that had a pretty girl hanging off his arm.  You weren’t sure why that changed so quickly, why he didn’t put himself out there as much as he used to, didn’t party hard anymore, wasn’t bragging about the new girl he was with that week like he was known for.  Maybe that day, when he walked into the Wheeler’s house right as you Nancy and Jonathan were awaiting the Demogorgon’s arrival, maybe he changed then.

Or maybe it was after he’d been sucked into… whatever this all was… and he changed to keep the secret.  Or maybe it was after Nancy had broken up with him, around the same time he started growing closer to Dustin.

But right now as you watched him directing the kids, you were more aware that he wasn’t King Steve anymore, that you had been before.  Sure, you’d realized somewhere along the way he was different.  But it wasn’t until now that you noticed it completely as it was.

“No listen you little shits, no one, is going anywhere” Steve ordered, holding a wash rag in his hand and pointing it between each of the boys, and girl, that stood in front of him.

“Friggin’ pointless just staying here” Dustin grumbled, walking out of the room whilst still muttering.  Mike groaned loudly, dramatically, and left to the living room with Max and Lucas.  You knew that he was still plotting you get out there tonight.  Consequences and dangers be damned.

You looked to Steve with a sigh, a lazy smile on your lips as you walked past him to go after Dustin.  He watched you go, letting out a breath as well as he put his hands on his hips and standing alone in the hall with his thoughts.

He’d give his life to protect these kids.

“Dusty?” You called gently as you walked into the kitchen, seeing Dustin sitting on the floor against the dishwasher.  Your brows furrowed as you sat across from him by the cabinets.  “You alright kiddo?”

“Would I be sitting in here brooding if I was?” He quipped, though you knew he meant well.

“Sweetheart you’re too adorable to be a brooder” You laughed softly, pulling your knees up slightly.  “A pouter maybe, but not a brooder”

“Thanks y/n” He responded dryly.  You rolled your eyes in response to his sarcasm.

“Come on kid, open up a little.  It’s me” Your words were soft, which did prompt Dustin to consider explaining to you his thoughts.  “Please? If we make it out of this alive I’ll take you to the arcade.  I’ve got a big jar full of quarters I’ve saved up-”

“Okay okay I’ll take the bribe” Dustin caved with a laugh that made your mood lighten.  “Look it’s gonna sound lame and cheesy but… everyone else is helping.  Jonathan and Nance and Mrs Byers and Hopper and Elle, but what am I doing?”

“You’re staying safe” Your answer came out instantly, but it didn’t seem to be the one the boy was looking for.

“No I’m not, I’m sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else go be heroes and getting hurt.  I’m not doing a damn thing!”

“Hey” You hummed softly, and scooted over closer to put your head on his shoulder.  “You’re a hero Dustin.  Don’t tell yourself any differently.  All of you are, Mike too, and Lucas, and Max, and-”

“Steve?” Dustin offered, and you nodded, looking at him confusedly by the strange tone of voice he used.

“Of course, why’re you looking at me like that?”

“No reason” Dustin shrugged nonchalantly, brushing off the uncomfortable air between you both.

“Alright well, you should believe me” You continued.  “Even if you don’t think so, you’re all my heroes, got it Henderson?” The boy smiled and nodded, prompting you to push the cap of his hat down playfully before he could get up and leave the room.

“Mike’s probably still planning his attack” He told you, but you shrugged and waved a hand.

“Let him plot and brood” You said, and Dustin’s mouth fell open.

“How come Mike can brood but I can’t?” You rolled your eyes, still waving your hand for him to get out of here.

“Just go plot with him, I know you’re itching to” You said, and he grinned wide at you, glad you were letting him go plan their escape and attack.

“Thanks y/n!” He called, already racing out of the room.  “You’re the best!” You laughed, shaking your head as you stood back up and dusted off the pants of your overalls.  Steve came in a few moments later, watching you almost suspiciously.

“What?” You questioned, and he shrugged, shaking his head.

“Nothing.  Just wondering why you’re permitting them to conspire against us” He said.

“They’re not conspiring, they’re just discussing.  No harm in that”

“Um, every harm in that.  As in all of us, being harmed, because of that” He said, but you didn’t really seem to care what he thought about it.

“They’re fine, we’re all fine, don’t freak out so much mom” You said, walking out towards the kids and seeing them all circled up and discussing their big plan.

“I’m not a mom” Steve argued, and you chuckled, turning to see him, his dish rag on his shoulder, hands on hips.  It only made you laugh more.

“Mhm, alright.  Well then what would you call yourself?” You replied sarcastically, nodding towards his own stance, and making Steve second guess himself.

“This- you-! Alright whatever just stay away from the windows and go be safe somewhere” He muttered, walking into the living room where the kids were.  You rolled your eyes again, but couldn’t help the smile on your lips.

Perhaps, you thought, King Steve was the king of something else now.

You watched as he was waving his rag at the kids again, yelling at them for plotting behind his back, and reminding them that no one was going anywhere.  But even as Dustin pouted, Steve was rubbing his hand over the thirteen year old’s head.  Almost soothingly, like he felt bad for ending their little meeting.

“What a mom” You mumbled, and headed back into the kitchen for something to eat.

You used to resent Steve, back when he was the king of school and didn’t care about anything more than he cared about his popularity and his hair.  Back when he didn’t give a shit about pretty much anything.  And looking at him now and seeing him watch over these kids, you could physically feel your heart swelling.  If that isn’t character development, you weren’t sure what was.

You weren’t sure why it made you feel so bubbly either.

“Listen runts, we’re staying here, we’re staying safe, and we’re not dying!” Steve said, for what felt like the fifth time.  But Mike kept arguing back at him.

“Everyone else is out there!”

“Everyone else knows how to fight all that shit!” Steve retorted.  “We are staying, here” He repeated slowly, waving his rag between each word.  “You got that?”

“You’re just saying that cause y/n’s here.  If she wasn’t here, we’d all be getting in your car and going!” Lucas spoke up.  Your brows furrowed at that.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You asked, ignoring your search for food and now strutting into the room where everyone else was.  “Am I dragging you down?” You asked, almost sarcastic, but wondering what he’d actually meant by his announcement.  Were you dragging them down?

“No, Steve would just protect your ass over our asses” Max shrugged, and the others nodded.

“What the hell? Everyone here is protecting their own asses, I’m not getting killed for a bunch of kids!” Steve said, making flustered and jerky movements.  You brushed off their newly sprung argument over where Steve’s bat is swinging and who it’s swinging for.

Apparently, The Party was certain that he’d die for you, rather die for them.  But you didn’t care much about what they thought.  They’d always thought that you and Steve were meant to be some power couple, but you supposed it was just cause you were the same age and the kids only ever saw you two together.  There was no real evidence (as far as they showed) towards the ‘chemistry’ you and Steve supposedly had.

You wandered to the window, curiously looking out it with your arms wrapped around yourself.

“Will you just shut up?” Mike’s yelling made you jump a little, and you turned to see your friends all still arguing with each other.  You smiled slightly, meeting Steve’s eyes as he gave you a bored look.  You just laughed a little bit back at him.  Steve’s expression softened into a small smile.  Your face flushed with heat, and you nervously turned away from him to look back out the window again.

A light blinded you almost instantly, making you squint your eyes and put a hand over them to try and clear your vision.

“What the hell?” You muttered, leaning closer to the glass to see what was going on.  Headlights, there was a car here.  Someone was here.  “Steve?” You called, not turning away from the window.  He came over right away, looking outside to see a familiar Camaro parked in the driveway.

“Shit” He grumbled, walking towards the front door.

“What- where are you going? Who is it?” You asked, following quickly after him, but Steve quickly turned to make you stay back.

“Just stay in here-”

“Sinclair!” A voice hollered from outside, and you jumped, eyes widening as you recognized it.  “I know you’re in there!”

“Billy?” You whispered to Steve, who nodded.  You stepped backwards, eyes never leaving Steve’s.  “What’s he doing here?” Your voice was quiet.

Billy Hargrove, was the most vile, horrible person you’d ever met.  And his wicked ways of bending people to his will, shook you intensely to your core.  It was no secret to the others that Billy not only terrified you, but would seductively torture you every day.  Sure, you’d been picked on before, but this was different.  Every day he’d come to you, hoping to get something out of you, just to mess with you.

“Come on babe, a little kiss, just a little one, we can discuss the rest later”

“You don’t want to get a ride home with me and have some fun?”

“When’re you finally gonna give this up and just put out?”

You shuddered slightly, practically feeling his hot breath against your skin just thinking about the things he’s said to you.  Stopping you in the hallways, finding you at your locker, approaching you while you waited at Steve’s car for a ride home.

“I know you’re in there you little pig! Come out here or I’ll have to go in!” His voice was dangerous, threatening.  And you felt a legitimate fear for your life, and the kids’.

“It’s fine, you’re fine, I promise” Steve said quietly, out of earshot of the others.  “All of you stay here, stay away from the windows” He ordered, giving you one last look before you turned and went to The Party.  They needed you right now, all huddled around Lucas and Max to make sure if Billy were to look inside, he wouldn’t see them.

“Come on guys” You said softly, ushering them as far away from the window as you could.  Steve, on the other hand, opened the door and stepped outside.

Instead of hiding in a room, completely out of sight of the maniac, you all ducked under the windowsill to see what was happening.

“Am I dreaming or is that really you Harrington?” You felt your entire body quivering upon hearing Billy’s voice.  Dustin, who was crouched next to you, turned and gave you a worried look, but your eyes were dead set on the outside.

“Yeah it’s me, don’t cream your pants” Steve responded, walking out towards him as he pulled off his leather jacket.

“What’re you doing here amigo?” Billy asked, the cigarette hanging off his lips moving as he spoke.

“I could ask you the same thing” Steve responded, void of emotion.  “Amigo”

“Lookin’ for my step sister.  Little birdie told me she was here”

“Huh, that’s weird I don’t know her” Steve lied easily, and convincingly.  You prayed to God that Billy believed him.

“Small? Redhead?” Billy replied disbelievingly.  “Bit of a bitch?”

“Ashole” Max muttered to herself inside.

“Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry buddy” Steve replied, still not sounding like he cared even an inkling.  Billy nodded, taking out his cigarette.

“You know… I don’t how this, this whole situation Harrington is um.., it’s giving me the heebie jeebies” Billy said, looking at Steve a little more threateningly.

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“My thirteen year old sister goes missing all day, and then I find her with you” Billy pointed accusatory hands towards Steve, giving him a disgusted look.  “In a strangers house” He continued.  “And you lie to me about it�� Steve chuckled bitterly, shaking his head and looking away for a moment.

“Yeah, maybe you were dropped too much as a child or what” Steve said snarkily.  But Billy just grinned his twisted grin and licked his tongue over the front of his teeth.  “I don’t know what you don’t understand about what I just said”

You felt a chill go down your spine as Steve’s protectiveness took over his tone.  Dustin beside you mumbling a quiet, “Holy shit”

“She’s not here” Steve said carefully.  Billy nodded, looking pointedly towards the window where you and The Party were all huddled and looking out of.

“Then who’s that?” He asked, pointing his cigarette towards his sister.

“Down!” You hissed, and the five of you dropped to the floor so fast you all groaned from the impact of the floor.

“Shit!” Dustin cursed.  “Did he see us?”

“Oh shit” Steve grumbled.  “Okay listen-” Billy pushed him to the ground before he could explain anything.  The boy kicked him, before storming up into the house.

“Well well well” Billy smirked, seeing you and The Party standing there together, you in front of all of them.  “y/n l/n, what a lovely little surprise” You grimaced, but he didn’t seem to care.  “And Lucas Sinclair, not so much a surprise at all” You moved over more in front of Lucas, who’s hands grabbed onto your arm out of fear.  “I thought I told you to stay away from him Max”

“Billy, go away” Max retorted, but her voice wavered.

“You disobeyed me” Billy leaned over his step sister tauntingly.  “And you know what happens when you disobey me” He added in a hushed, volatile voice.

“Billy-”

“I break things” He uttered, before pushing you aside, crashing your body into the wall.  Before slamming Lucas up against the cupboards.

“Billy stop!” Max and the others began to yell, Dustin rushing over to help you up, but you were already standing up on your own.

“Get off of me!” Lucas cried.

“Since Maxine won’t listen to me, maybe you will” Billy muttered.  “You stay away from her.  Stay-! Away from her” He yelled awkwardly.  “Do you hear me?”

“I said get off me!” Lucas screamed again, followed by a knee between Billy’s legs.  You gasped, feeling a moment of pride as Billy stumbled back and released him.

“You are so dead Sinclair!” Billy hollered.  “You’re dead-”

“No” Steve grabbed Billy by the shoulder, spinning him around roughly.  “You are” And with that he swung his fist and planted it hard enough against Billy’s jaw to make him topple over.

“Steve!” You yelped out of surprise.  He looked at you for a moment, nodding in reassurance as he shook out his hand.  It’d been a while since he’d hit anybody.  Billy stood back up, laughing menacingly.  “You’re a fucking psycho!” You screeched before you could stop yourself.

“Looks like you got some fire in you after all huh!?” He yelled at Steve.  “I’ve been waiting to meet this King Steve everybody’s been telling me so much about” He stepped closer to Steve, glaring at him.

“Get out” Steve muttered, pushing Billy’s chest lightly to move him away from him.  Billy stepped back and stood there for a moment.  And after a few seconds passed you were certain that he was going to stay back.

Until he swung swiftly at Steve, but missed as Steve ducked just in time.  You gasped, clapping your hands over your mouth in terror.  Steve stood back up and swung his fist again, hitting Billy and making him stumble again.

“Yes! Get him Steve!” Dustin cheered, and the others began to as well.  You couldn’t find yourself to say anything, just wince every time a punch was made.  Steve hit him two more times, and Billy ran into the kitchen sink.  Leaning back and wincing in pain.

“Kill him! Kill him!” Mike was yelling.  But Billy grabbed a plate of the counter, smashing it over Steve’s head, and making him fall to the ground.

“Steve!” You screamed now, taking long strides to get over to him, only to be pushed away by Billy.  Who hit Steve as soon as he stood up again.  He grabbed Steve by the shoulders, staring him down.

“No one.  Tells me what to do” He muttered angrily, and threw his head forward hard into Steve’s knocking him down again.

“Fucking hell” You mumbled, tears beginning to prick your eyes in fear that Billy was actually going to kill Steve.  The mullet wearing psycho leapt onto Steve, pinning him down and swinging punch after punch against his face.

“Stop it!” Mike yelled at the top of his lungs, but it did nothing to end Billy’s attack.

“Steve!” Dustin hollered.

You stood frozen, every scene in front of you soundless, and moving slowly.  You could only feel your heart in your chest, sending you into an anxiety attack, you were sure.  But it barely mattered to you in that moment.  You turned away, and your eyes landed on something.

The syringe used on Will earlier.

Sleep… put him to sleep… your thoughts were broken as you reached for it, looking at it in your hands for a few seconds, before stepping forward and slamming the needle into Billy’s neck without a hesitation.  Mike and Dustin gasped, standing back.  Everyone’s eyes stuck on the syringe hanging out of BIlly’s neck now.  A disgust filling them up at the sight.

“Shit y/n” Dustin mumbled, his hand covering his mouth to stop vomit from flowing.

Billy stood up, wobbling slightly as he turned to look at you.  He pulled the needle out of his neck, vision beginning to fail.  “The hell is this?” He asked, trying to step towards you threateningly, but he was wobbling so much you didn’t even move.  No longer afraid of him.

“You’re fucking done Hargrove” You muttered, and before thinking twice to second guess yourself, punching him across the jaw, and sending him back on his ass.  Billy groaned, staying down where he’d fallen against the couch.

“Shit what did you do” He mumbled, growing dizzy from the mix of drug and pain.

A few moments later he completely passed out.

“Fuck” You hissed in pain, putting your bruising knuckles against your mouth.  You didn’t think punching someone would hurt so damn much.

“y/n holy shit”

“Are you okay?”

“That was badass!”

The Party was fussing and cheering for you, but you didn’t respond, kneeling down by Steve next and counting up all the cuts and bruises he was beginning to sport.  He was unconscious, that was for sure.  But he’d be in for a world of hurt when he woke up.

“Come on, help me get him back to Jon’s bed” You called to the kids.

It was difficult moving him, but after ten minutes you’d managed to get him into Jonathan’s room to lie on the bed there.  You were sat next to him, a cold wet rag in your hand, and the open first aid kit on the ground.  It took you awhile to clean off all the blood and apply bandages where you thought they were necessary.  There was a frozen bag of peas you’d put over one of his eyes to stop the swelling, but so far it still looked pretty bad.

The Party had sat with you for what felt like a long time before you told them to go back to the living room and wait for the others to return home.  Dustin put up a small fight about it, but eventually gave in and listened to your order.  And now it was just you kneeling on the ground by Steve, watching over him carefully.  Making sure he was breathing okay, and that nothing would begin to bleed again.

“Well King Steve, you got quite the ass kicking” You mumbled, just to yourself.  Your fingers placed a few stray hairs on his forehead back into place.  “But your crown is still there” You smiled to yourself, fingertips gently brushing his hair.

“y/n?” Your eyes looked back at him as he mumbled, almost incoherently.  “What happened?” The poor boy’s eyes weren’t even open.

“You put up a really good fight” You told him softly.  He winced, the pain probably beginning to settle in.

“Did I win?” He groaned, eyes clenching shut momentarily.  You bit down on your lip and shook your head, even though he couldn’t see you.

“You put up a really good fight” You repeated yourself, playing with his hair again.  Steve sighed, knowing the answer.

“Is he gone?” He asked, eyes finally beginning to flutter open.

“Yeah… yeah he won’t be back any time soon, I’m sure” You answered.  Steve looked up at you, smiling down gently at him.  He smiled back instantly, and moved his arm to push your hair back, but even at it’s slight movement you winced in pain.  “You’re in pretty bad shape” You told him quietly.  “But you’ll heal up alright”

“Are you okay?” He asked, and you nodded.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine” You shrugged slightly.  “We’re all really worried about you.  Dustin thought you were dead” Steve chuckled painfully, shaking his head a little bit.

“Are they alright? Max and Lucas?”

“Yeah, we’re all good Steve” You hummed with a slight nod.  You leaned forward, a little closer to him to check on the eye swelled under the bag of peas.  You frowned, seeing the black and blue bruise that only seemed to be spreading.

“I’m alright, don’t fuss so much” Steve said, putting his hand over the bag and pushing it back against his face.  Your eyes met his for a moment.

“You’re pretty bruised up Harrington” You sighed, taking the wet rag in your hand and dabbing it gently on his bruised cheek.  “There’s not an inch of your face spared”

“It’ll be fine, I’ll heal up”

“Years from now, maybe” You replied sarcastically, and he smiled at you while you carefully pressed the cold cloth to his face.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” He murmured, and you looked at him for the briefest of seconds before going back to work.  Now is not the time to talk about feelings, you thought to yourself.

“Yeah? Go play hero some more and you’ll never see anything again” You told him, and he shrugged slightly, not having a response to that.

“I just wanted to remind you.  In case you haven’t been told in a while” He said.  You bit on the inside of your cheek to keep from smiling too much.  You looked down at him, your eyes softening slightly.

You leaned over closer to him, pausing for a moment before pressing your lips lightly against his.  It was a chaste kiss, only lasting a few seconds as you didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he already was.  When you pulled back, you smiled nervously at him, and he only smiled back at you.

“You’re lucky you didn’t die Harrington” You said, and got right back to work on pressing the rag to his wounds.

“That I am” He replied cheekily.

You giggled softly, smiling down at him and wondering just when he’d changed so much.

You knew he’d give his life for these kids too, just like you would.

love me some babysitter steve

xoxo ~ jordie

[badnewbie]

hi i have a brain that can’t shut up and here’s my little pet theory on what i like to call the joker’s trick: the fact that the joker is gay and we all know it, but we cannot ever say it out loud or acknowledge it

this is literally his picture on the wiki btw. also i feel like if you’re here i don’t need to argue that the joker is gay because he literally is. we’re doing gay joker analysis 2.0 here, sir

please note that i’m about to use a bunch of sexist and homophobic language, as i generally find that the most effective way to communicate the cultural norms that i’m about to touch on.

obviously, i’m using the word ‘gay’ when i’m talking about joker as a bit of an oversimplification. i’d use ‘queer’ or maybe even ‘queercoded’ (ugh), because it’s more accurate to how joker is actually portrayed, but when i grew up, gay was still very much a slur and gay-as-a-slur, an f-word, is in fact what the joker needs to be. this is for a reason: to me, the most important aspect about the joker is that he is a creation by straight men, meant to appeal to other straight men. 

so yeah, problem solved right? the joker is the symbol for ultimate evil, so he generally represents whatever his writer thinks is the worst thing that exists and for a lot of straight men, that’s a gay dude. kinda sucks, but checks out. 

except, that’s not the whole story, because straight men friggin’ love the joker. they’re dressing up as him, they’re quoting him, kinning him, coming up with elaborate backstories for him, leaving really intense youtube comments about how he’s the only one who really gets batman about him. in other words, they think the joker is cool. they think he’s really, really, really cool. They want to be the joker

why? that actually doesn’t check out at all. sure, he’s a villain who does whatever he wants, but most villains do and most of them haven’t been able to capture the hearts and minds of straight men the way the joker has. and joker has gotten more obviously gay over the years as he’s gotten more popular, not less. straight dudes love that the joker is gay! 

time for some academic perspectives: our cultural attitude towards gayness are deeply interlinked with our attitudes towards gender roles and masculinity. and masculinity is a deeply strange concept and it is something that a lot of comics concern themselves with (see: straight men appealing to other straight men). while most comic book men are usually examples of hegemonic masculinity (the culturally ideal form of masculinity), the joker is at his core a failure of hegemonic masculinity, and him being gay is the easiest shorthand to straight men for communicating this. a true man is a straight man is a masculine man is a man who is not feminine is a man who is not attracted to men. queercoding men and failing masculinity is usually one and the same in practice.

here’s another thing about manhood: it’s often precarious. with ‘precarious manhood’, we refer to the phenomenon that manhood for men often feels like something that can be taken away from them. while being a woman is often conceptualized as something innate, for men it is much easier to be accused of not being a ‘real’ man. as such, men tend to be more pre-occupied with their own masculinity and often remain in a more anxious state in which they constantly try to re-affirm their manhood to both themselves and their surroundings.* this is what many people incorrectly refer to as toxic masculinity btw. It should also be noted that hegemonic manhood is a cultural ideal and therefore attaining it is fully impossible and this is leaving a lot of men frustrated. they reach for an unattainable goal under the treat of cultural punishment if they fail. also, this effect is generally stronger in straight men, as queer men generally already ‘know’ that they will never reach hegemonic masculinity, as it is defined through being attracted to women only, and therefore, in this aspect, they can walk the mile

so what is a frustrated straight man who is feeling like a failure of masculinity to do? well...what if there was a role model for you who is on every account a failure of masculinity too and he was thriving? what if there was a guy who’s laughing about all these gender rules and breaking them and maybe it made him even more badass? maybe there’s this complete failure of masculinity, not just walking the mile but running directly in the opposite direction and he’s scary and powerful and maybe that’s true power and maybe you are in some way even more powerful (masculine) than all those other guys who are effortlessly performing their masculinity. what then?

but is he gay? don’t worry straight men, of course he isn’t :) 

(is he gay? yeah)

(but is he?? no, he isn’t (although he is))

seriously, is the joker gay? yes! but also no! because his purpose is to be a (lol) safe space for straight men to project their anxieties about their own masculinity on. the joker has to be gay in order to be an effective failure of masculinity, but he can’t be gay because then he’s just some gay guy whose nature is just naturally different from straight men/real men and straight men can’t project on him anymore.

so yeah whoops, it’s still homophobia. but at least it’s weird homophobia. it’s what the joker would have wanted * this also can lead to much greater difficulty for women to go against their assigned gender role, which is often constricting and oppressive. i blog about this a LOT on my main, so please don’t come for me on this

[awakenthemusic]

Suptober 2022 Day 2 - Pillow Talk

Gen, Short fic, 782 words, Family, Mentions of Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Dean Winchester is Jack Kline's Parent, T for Language

When Jack wants to redecorate his room in a style that would have John Winchester rolling in his grave, Dean has to make a choice about how to handle it.

Under the cut or on Ao3

Bed, Bath, and Beyawn

Dean pushed a cart down an aisle full of pillows, blankets, and sheet sets as Jack stared around at all of the choices, his eyes wide.

I know I’ve done some messed up shit in my life, but what the hell have I ever done to deserve being stuck in Bed, Bath, and Beyawn or whatever the fuck...

Dean chuckled to himself. That was a good one. He'd have to remember to zing Sam with that one later. Serve the moose right, sending him to help Jack shop for stuff for his room.

I swear, you break one measly little clay figurine while your brother is taking for-fucking-ever to find shit in the archives and he starts sending you out on busy-work errands to keep you from touching things.

Jack darted back and forth across the aisle like a friggin ping pong ball, too excited by all the possibilities to stay calm.

Dean grinned fondly at him and figured maybe he should cut Sam some slack. At least someone was having a good time

Jack darted over to a pillow display, plunging his hands into the soft fabrics. “Oh,” He said. “Look at this one!” Jack held up a pillow and bounced on his heels in excitement.

The pillow Jack had chosen was covered in fake fur with a sequined heart on one side and, worst of all, it was pink.

Every train of thought that Dean had immediately derailed. Adrenaline dumped into his system as warning bells blared. From somewhere deep in Dean’s mind, the ghost of John Winchester snarled, “Real men don’t like pink, Dean. Am I raising a man or some kind of pansy fruit?”

Oblivious to Dean’s internal panic, Jack turned hopeful eyes on Dean and asked, “Can I get it?”

Dean took a deep breath and pictured wrestling John’s ghost back into its usual closet. He refastened the padlocks on it and added an extra layer of barbed wire for good measure.

That done, Dean focused on what the hell he should say to the kid. He couldn’t lie, Jack was way too good at picking up on that shit, and more often than not these days, Dean found that he really didn’t want to lie to Jack. Fuck knew he’d dealt enough with his own father lying to him when he was younger…

Not that Dean had done much better, he’d tried to shoot the kid more than once. But Dean was determined to make up for his mistakes and be a better role model, a better parent for Jack.

Jack stared at Dean, an innocent smile beaming on his face as he clutched the pillow that he clearly loved.

Dean flailed for something to say. He couldn’t lie and say he loved the idea of buying the pillow. Just looking at the thing threatened to make him break out in hives…

So many voices in Dean’s mind screamed at him to tell Jack that he couldn’t have the pillow; that he shouldn’t like pink; that, if he started down that road, he would end up gay.

Jack’s face fell and he said, “Or I can get a different one...”

No, that wasn’t what Dean wanted. He struggled to cut off all the voices screaming in his mind. There were a hell of a lot of things that Jack could be that would be worse than being gay, and it was all bullshit anyway. None of that was what Dean really thought.

So what do I really think?

“I think,” Dean said slowly as his entire body broke out in a cold sweat. “I think you should get whichever one makes you happy.”

Jack turned back, his eyes searching Dean’s face. Dean tried to focus on his conviction that what he said was true and ordered his shoulders and neck to unclench. He nodded encouragingly at Jack and tried to grin.

The biggest sunshine smile broke out on Jack’s face and the band of panic that had tightened around Dean’s rib cage loosened.

Dean took another calming breath and reminded himself that the world wouldn’t end if he bought his kid a pillow. John was long gone and no one else in his life would give a fuck what color pillow Jack picked out, so what the hell was Dean even worried about?

Dean reached out, gently took the pillow from Jack, and firmly put it in the cart. He took a moment to run his fingers through the fake fur, it really was ridiculously soft.

By the time he turned back to Jack, his grin felt much more natural. He said, “Come on, kid, you wanna pick out a pink rug to match?”

[supertransural]

Dean and his “things, people and feelings” he’s already “experienced differently”.

So here’s a random 4am thought I had. You know how while in the confessional in 10x16, Dean talks about “things, people, feelings” he wants to “experience differently/for the first time”? That confession is literally incoherent if you take a perfectly heterosexual-non-castiel-point of view. It just is. Let me explain why I think that is, and prepare yourself, this is going to be long. 

Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that we’re supposed to understand that conversation the way the priest understands it, that we’re supposed to see Dean the way the priest sees him: as someone who likes to have flings, who cheats, doesn’t commit, etc... basically the character that was introduced to us in the first few seasons/episodes (somewhat). I’m going to be calling that stance the “priest POV”. 

The issue here, is that this is not in fact “the first few seasons/episodes”, this is season 10, Things have happened since then. People have happened. Feelings. Have. Happened. Wether it be in the form of flashbacks or present day events, we’ve seen character development. So let’s start with romantic ones.

1: The first one that comes to mind is Lisa (and Ben). He had a committed, long term, family oriented, white picket fence relationship. It wasn’t just a “I had no other place to go” kinda deal, because once he was somewhat back on his feet, he could’ve pulled a Dean WInchester and left. Except he didn’t. He could’ve cheated. Except he didn’t. He could’ve not opened up or not gotten vulnerable. Except he did. That should already debunk the “priest POV” but let me add on. 

2: Cassie. Dean was insanely vulnerable with her, he loved her, opened up to her about the one big thing he never tells his one night stands, and incidentally was the one who was rejected this time around. He still has feelings about her when he meets her again. 

3: Robin. His first, real girlfriend. With whom he was also in a committed relationship with, which probably would’ve kept on growing if John hadn’t been the usual assh*le that he is, and Dean had had a chance to go to that dance with her. I like to think of her as beta-version-Lisa, and also as the girl who set him on his blazing trail of leaving women after 1 day or 1 week. His dad was the one to rip him away from her, and we know he wanted his son to be the perfect masc, emotionless, order-following, womanizer. And that is exactly what Dean attempts to become, even though this obviously goes against every fiber of his being (see #4).

4: Amanda. Now you may be thinking “but hey! Dean does cheat on her! and it is a short relationship!”. Sure he does, and sure it is, as I said, ever since Robin, he’s trying to be the womanizer his dad wants him to be. But he still lets himself get quite attached to Amanda, as shown by his disdain of the school right after she dumps him in front of everyone. The only reason he liked or tolerated this school wasn’t just “the hot cheerleaders” or whatever, it was Amanda. He wants to put on this mask of “I don’t care about her, I’m a bad boy, I’m just in it for the sex”, but he’s genuinely hurt by what she tells him about his life and how she judges it, and saddened by the breakup. He lets himself get hurt by her. Bear with me, this is important, because we see it happen again with Cassie and then he never lets it get to that point again, simply because of fear and trauma (I think), for example he’s the one to start the conversation about breaking up with Lisa.

Now. What about the “he was just talking about platonic things and feelings and people” possibility. Spoiler alert, it still doesn’t work. 

1: Jo. Otherwise known in my head as beta-version-Charlie, it’s true that Jo is part of those “early seasons” characters, but that only adds to the inconsistency of the “priest POV”. Dean cared intensely about her, some people think of their relationship as romantic, but I really like the “big brother/father/protective” figure idea. Whatever you believe their relationship was, it was profound, I mean he was positively shattered when she died. Again, deep feelings, longterm feelings. 

2: Benny. Like seriously. Dean spent a year in Purgatory with him, saw him as a brother despite the fact he was a vampire, helped him as much as he could while he was having troubles adapting to life on Earth again, protected him through thick and thin, went against his brother for him, against other hunters, against his core beliefs as a hunter himself, just. for. him. If that doesn’t tick all the boxes of things, feelings, people he wants to experience differently for you, then I truly don’t know what to tell you. And then there’s the whole thing with the ship between them, which I somewhat agree with but it isn’t cannon enough for this. 

3: Garth. Yeah, sure, Dean is condescending towards him at first, but he does care about him a lot, and probably doesn’t understand why and how Garth cares about him so quickly, or offers support voluntarily. Garth is a bit of a role model to him, that scrawny, somewhat cringy, little man is better at life than Dean is, and Dean sees that. He’s bothered by it at first, but learns to respect Garth later on, and care about him. He relies on him as a hunter, and kind of as a friend too and he lets him be the new Bobby (which proves a lot of trust grew here) (also, much later on, Dean makes sure he stays out of hunting so Garth can have a happy family life, he also accepts the fact that he’s a werewolf and that his whole family is too). That Also counts as people experienced differently and for the first time. 

4: Kevin. Or as I like to call him, sort-of-beta-version-Jack. Dean feels responsible for him, he jumps into the role of a father figure more than Sam ever does, as much as Sam cares about Kevin too. He is also completely shattered when he dies, like with Jo (which is a bit of the reason why I see Jo and Dean’s relationship as a Big brother-Little sister relationship, the vibe is similar (but not identical) to Kevin and Dean’s). 

5: Jody. Jody is like the mother he never really had growing up. He is vulnerable around her, opens up, she’s basically family. I’m not going to write in Bobby, because he doesn’t count as “new things”, he was effectively his father. Here, Dean lets Jody become a sort of mother to him even though his memory of his mom isn’t as tarnished as his dad’s is. He lets her step into his mom’s sacred shoes. He lets her take care of him in a way. He lets her enter his life and be here for him. New people, new feelings.

6: Charlie. Charlie is his little sister, no doubt about it. She’s his role model, he loves her deeply, he lets himself care about her and feel insanely protective of her. He lets her be Sam #2. He lets himself become a big brother to a new Jo. To a new human. He lets his nerdy side out around her, he learns from her openness about being gay. He is comfortable around her. He is constantly worried about her. New feelings, new people, new things, first time blah blah blah you know the drill by now.

7: Ash. Yes, yes, I know, another “early on” character. But as I said, it keeps on just proving my point. First of all, I firmly believe Dean had a massive crush on Ash but that’s just my interpretation. He respects Ash and looks up to him, he wants to be a bit like him, confident, comfortable in his own life and skin, happy, and he lives in a friggin’ bar for godsakes. He is the epitome of what Dean wants to be at that point in time. He wants to be carefree like Ash is. He thinks Ash is highly intelligent, and has it made. He sees what a happy man can be, one without burdens from “the life”. Ash is a bit like the cooler version of Garth (no offense to Garth of course). Does that count as a role model? I don’t know. But it sure as hell shaped Dean’s hope for what his life could one day be. And Dean cares about Ash deeply as well, he was devastated when he died (he was devastated about the whole Roadhouse burning of course, but it’s clear Ash’s death shakes him quite a bit) and is genuinely happy when he gets to see him again in Heaven, when he sees Ash content and at peace, and the fact that Ash tells him he’ll see him again one day makes him smile (btw thats something I would’ve wanted to see in the finale, but nooooo they simply had to give us a train wreck instead). 

So now that we’ve established those relationships he’s already had before (and I use the term relationship broadly here, it also includes all his friends), I’d like to point something out. There are of course other people he met along the way, other people he saved who inspired him, like the gay couple LARPing as him and Sam, Ellen (beta-version-Jody), in a way Tessa, Layla Rourke, Eileen, to name a few. But I feel as though the ones I cited were the main ones that truly show how shallow the “priest POV” interpretation is.

So where exactly does all this leave us? Well, friends, exactly where I intended it to be. That scene can’t be about potential women being longterm or serious romantic partners because that’s already happened. It can’t be about friends or monsters, because that’s already happened. Canonically. Several times, in several different flavors. 

TL;DR: There is no way this confession scene is heterosexual, and it’s probably about Cas, but not just him, it’s also simply about Dean himself and his comfy closet getting not so comfortable anymore. 

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero

I guess I should provide my hottt takes on the new DBS movie.  A few days ago, they did this video for Comic Con announcing the title of the movie and teasing some details about the story.  

I gotta say, this is exactly why I’ve never had any interest in Comic Con.    They put this on YouTube, I guess because of the pandemic, but any other year they would have gathered an enormous crowd and made them stand in line for hours to watch all of this in person.   I live in the Midwest, and when I went to comic book conventions it was for the sole purpose of rummaging through back issue bins.   SDCC was always promoted like the biggest and most important convention in the U.S., but all I ever heard about it were trailers for movies and TV shows.   Or, like, you had to go to Comic Con because that was the only way to get an exclusive Orange Lantern Hal Jordan action figure or something.   They would always hype up all of this useless stuff and I just never heard of anything so important that I was willing to fly out to San Diego and stand in line for three hours for it.   So now SDCC peels back the curtain with this video, about something I’m fairly interested in, but it’s really not that big a deal.  I found out most of the information on Twitter before I even knew to watch this video.

But I’m just not that hyped about trailers or sneak peaks or sneak peaks at trailers.   Which is probably why I waited this long to talk about it.  

I’ll just go through the video.   The first four minutes are Hironobu Kageyama performing “Cha La HEAD Cha La” live on the stage.   That’s a pretty epic way to open this, but I feel like it oversells the importance of this event.  You finish watching him and you think you’re about to see the movie itself, instead of hearing from the people who made it.  

Next we have Sascha, the host of this panel.   He speaks better English than I do, but I’m not sure what the point was in having any of this in English since he has to talk to the guests in Japanese.   Pretty much all of the important information in this video is in Japanese, and I think everyone understood that going in.   I guess it does give an international feel.  If I spoke another language as fluently as Sascha, I’d want to show it off too.

4:56 is where Masako Nozawa comes out, and she’s just a joy to watch.   She looks like this sweet grandmotherly figure, all warm smiles and then she busts out “Ossu! Ora Goku!” and immediately sounds like a badass. 

Guest #2 is Akio Iyoku, Toriyama’s editor.   Not to be confused with the awesome editor who poo-pooed all the androids and Cell’s semiperfect form.    That was Yu Kondo.  Iyoku comes out dressed like Goku, but he can’t talk like him so he’s immediately second-tier. 

Guest #3 is Norohiro Hayashida, Producer from Toei Anaimation.   He is also rocking the Goku cosplay, which would be a faux pas in most fandoms, but he can just say that he’s cosplaying as Krillin or Yamcha, which gives him greater nerd credibility because those are more obscure references.

Around 8:30 we really start getting into this, and they show us a model sheet of Piccolo.  Is Piccolo being in the new movie a big surprise?   He had a dry spell in the mid-90s, but he’s been in every Dragon Ball movie made in this century so far.   And it’s not like they changed his look, like when they put Goku and Vegeta in those adorable coats last time.   I’m not complaining about any of this.  It’s nice to see that a) Piccolo is confirmed for new movie and b) they didn’t tinker with his appearance.  

All I’m saying is that they only brought up this model sheet to show off how they’re using his color scheme from the manga as opposed to the anime.   Hence the red belt and the yellower arm sections.   In the anime, the belt was always blue, and his biceps were hot pink instead of off-yellow.   But it’s such a subtle thing that even Sascha didn’t pick up on it.   It’s like they were hyping up the fact that it’s such a minor change.    I like it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a weird flex.   Also, he looks like he still has his five-fingered anime hands, so I’m not that impressed.   Give us four fingers, Toei!

Sascha asks Masako Nozawa what she thinks about Piccolo and she just starts off with “He was Gohan’s teacher,” and talks about how strong and cool he looks.    She speaks of him like he’s a family member, because she’s awesome.

Next up, we have Pan, and now we’re talking.  The scuttlebutt is that this was the character Toriyama was referring to when he spoke of an “unexpected character”.  And I guess Pan fits the bill, since I don’t think anyone expected her to be this old in the movie.   I understand this is her kindergarten uniform, so she’d have to be about five or six years old.  I love Masako Nozawa’s reaction here.   Throughout this video, you can see that Goku and Gohan aren’t just roles to her.   

I’ll put on my fanboy hat here and point out that Pan’s age may imply that this movie takes place after the final episode of Dragon Ball Z.    She looks older here than she did when she fought Wild Tiger, at any rate.   So far, the entire Dragon Ball Super franchise has been set during the ten-year gap between the Buu crisis and the finale of Z.    So everyone has been wondering if DBS would move beyond End of Z, or whether Akira Toriyama even still recognizes the continuity of those final chapters.   They were supposed to be ten years of peace, but all the battles in DBS say otherwise.   Also, I’m pretty sure Pan and Bulla’s ages in the DBZ finale don’t line up well with their appearances in Super, but I’ve never studied it very closely.  

So this might be set post End of Z, or this might be Toriyama retconning End of Z altogether.  I’m interested to see which way this goes. 

Here’s Krillin, still working for the police, although his uniform looks more like Bronze Age Lex Luthor than anything else. Like Piccolo, the “big” story here is that he’s been tweaked to resemble the coloring in the manga, so his sclera are now white instead of fleshtoned.  

Never mind that, here’s Piccolo’s house.  This is probably the breakout star of this video, because I think everybody is excited to see Piccolo’s house.   Because it’s new lore!  No one even knew if he had one or not.   It was a running gag in DBZ Abridged that he was homeless.   I mean, congratulations to Krillin for getting his eyes colored in right, but that doesn’t tell me anything new about the character.  But Piccolo’s house is a big friggin’ deal.   What’s inside of there?  What’s on the second floor?   Check out his mailbox.   What kind of mail does he get?  It’s exciting.  

Nozawa even points out that she and her co-workers would talk about this sort of thing in the recording studio.    That’s a big deal to me, that the voice actors think about the same kind of stuff that I do as a fan.   

Around 15:30, they start talking about Toriyama’s commitment to the making of this movie, which seems like a weird thing to focus on, because he wrote the screenplay to the last two movies.   Did anyone think he was stepping back? I get the impression that there’s still some hard feelings about the failure of Dragon Ball Evolution, in the sense that they want to reassure everyone that we’re still in good hands.   I suppose one of these days, Toriyama won’t be as heavily involved in a project like this, so maybe it makes sense for Toei and Shueisha to make it clear that today is not that day.

On the other hand, Toriyama was just as involved with Broly as he was with Resurrection F, and Broly was a much better film.  The Dragon Ball Super manga seems to have revived the old argument over who’s to blame when the story is a letdown, and I think that misses the point.  Look, the Zamasu arc sucked, and I don’t care who wrote what parts, or whether Toriyama had a bad idea or whether he handed a good idea off that was badly executed.   They can hash that out behind the scenes if they want to.  

About 19 minutes in, they show us this model sheet, and refuse to explain who these guys are or what they’re doing in the movie.   Are they villains?  Who knows?  I’d like to think they’re important characters to the story, but I have my doubts that Krillin will have a big part to play.  

At 20 minutes, they announce the title of the movie, and I’m not very thrilled with “Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero.” They can talk it up as much as they want, and maybe the title is relevant to the plot, but it’s just too many uses of the word “super”.   Especially when they’ve got another series called “Super Dragon Ball Heroes” on YouTube. 

Then we get this teaser trailer, or whatever you want to call it, with a CG Goku hopping around and doing his classic fighting pose.  Now, for some reason, lots of people concluded that this means the entire movie will be done in this CG style, which has led to a debate over whether or not that’s a good thing.  If they can make the whole movie look this slick, then I’m fine with it.  Hell, I’m not picky.   They could animate the whole thing in Yukio Ebisawa style, and I’d be thrilled. 

But I’m not understanding where people got the idea that it’s definitely going to be a 100% CGI movie.   They never spell that out in this video, and they even go out of their way to admit that this shot of Goku isn’t actually from the movie.   So is there some other source people are referring to, or did everyone just jump to conclusions?  

And that’s pretty much it.   I don’t mean to sound negative on this panel, but I don’t feel like they revealed very much, unless this is actually going to turn out to be Piccolo and Pan having an adventure by themselves.    I think Toei could make a movie like that and it would be a success, but I have my doubts that they’d go in that direction.  If this is going to turn out to be another big slugfest with Vegeta, then I’m down for that too, but don’t show me Piccolo’s house if the movie’s going to be about Vegeta punching a guy. 

Bottom line: I’m still looking forward to this, but I don’t feel like I know much more about the movie than I did before.   Well, except for the part about Piccolo’s house.  I’m looking forward to seeing the inside of it.

[firebunnylover]

Hannah Watches LoSH - The Substitutes

So, this episode admittedly took longer than anticipated. Classes were a lot harder than anticipated this semester, and i’m trying to make money for next semester so I’m trying to get as many hours at work as possible.

With life’s problems aside for now, let’s resume looking at Legion of Superheroes!

The Substitutes

Kicking this episode off, we see that the Legion Auditions are finally underway. Hooray! And boy is there a line.

Yeesh. It's like an anime convention on opening day.

Going inside, we see that the current judges present are Superman, Saturn Girl, Bouncing Boy, Lightning Lad, and Brainiac 5. There are spots for others, but they aren't there.

Hmm. BOth PG and TW aren't here...

The first kid up is Chlorophyll Kid, and Superman asks him to demonstrate his powers, which is promoting plant growth. However, the plant that does grow is not friendly.

Okay, we KNOW Lightning Lad has been dreading this day for a while now.

But... can we just appreciate the off character model image of him?

PFFT HE HAS ANIMU EYES

After Saturn Girl asks Chlorophyll Kid if he can do anything to stop it and he asks if making it bigger will help, to which the Legion say no, Bouncy uses himself as live bait.

THESE PEOPLE APPRECIATE BOUNCY THE WAY HUNK SHOULD BE.

After Bouncy succeeds in bursting out of the plant to take it down, Brainy walks Chlorophyll Kid out. Who is still optimistic about his chances. Aww.

Up next is Stone Boy – NO NOT THE DRUG STONNED! THE ROCK STONE! He just turns into a stone figure of whatever his current pose is.

Gotta love these dorks.

The funniest part is that Stone Kid is set to the side for most of the remaining auditon, with Color Kid up next.  

Also, not overlooking that triangle rainbow on his uniform.

Very subtle.

And then we get our next contestant.

RUDE.

LIGHTNING LAD, THAT BOY LOVES YOU. GO DOWN THERE AND APOLOGIZE!

Aww, watch the Trash Baby tremble in fear.

What a good person Bouncy is.

However, the demonstration he did is not much better than during our initial introduction to him. Good thing everyone without invulnerability was hiding behind Bouncy. He deserves all the awards.

Following up after Pete is Kem, who now refers to himself as Matter Eater Lad. His demonstration involves eating a bomb, but I want to appreciate the bro-ness between him and Lightning Lad

Bros.

And then after Matter-Eater Lad’s demonstration, we get to see this show’s version of Star Boy.

My skin has been cleared. The next best thing before we get Black Panther next year.

Trash Baby and Karma go hand in hand.

We then see Infectious Lass, who I personally think has one of the coolest designs. Interestingly, she is seen with an inhaler. For her demonstration I think she makes Bouncy catch some kind of flu or something. Not sure.

Fast forward to later at the end of the audition, with the announcement that the new Legionairres are Matter Eater Lad and Star Boy.

So. Rude.

After most of the applicants had dispersed, we are left with Pete, Infectious Lass, Chlorophyll Kid, Color Kid and Stone Boy – still stoned (don't take that out of context). They are all understandably dissapointed they didn't make it in.

However, Bouncing Boy approaches them and tells them that he also failed his first audition – and then via Pete reading off the official collector's edition of the Legion Log – not joking – it took him four tries. Four.

Wow, no wonder he tries helping the applicants to the auditions.

He encourages the rejectees to keep trying, giving them a good speech on being a hero. However, he has to leave with the Legion when trouble is reported.

Touched by Bouncy's speech, the rejects decide to do the Hero-ing to show what they are made of. AWW.

Back with the actual Legion, we see some weird creatures are eating the ionosphere.  

Wait, those monsters are republicans basically.

We finally see Star Boy and Matter Eater Lad in action, the latter who eats one of the monsters... oh boy.

Back at New Metropolis, Pete has taken the Leader position (imitating Lighting Lad-senpai), although his mom has to drive the squad to places (im gonna guess that they don't have their full drivers license yet).

However, most of their efforts don't work out too well.

But then we get one of the best villains on this show.

Star Finger.

THIS GUY. IS SO FRIGGIN EXTRA.

With him showing off his gloves' powers, we see that one finger releases what I will dub Star minion. I know in the show they are called Furries. But that word does not give me positive feelings in the context sense, since the word has a... sexual association to me. So I refuse to call them that here.

Hmm...

The reject squad (I'm sorry im not sure what to call them at this point because they haven't coined the term Substitutes yet even though I know they're called that in the comics), arrive and tell Star Finger he's going to jail.

Oh good, I don't have to feel too bad about calling them Reject Squad for now.

Star Finger manages to give them a good whooping though, and gets away.

Fancy.

But they group finds the minions going in the same direction.

We then return back to the Legion who are still fighting the monsters eating the ionosphere, with PG and TW back with the group. Brainy is unable to figure out where the monsters are coming from, but it's clear they keep coming.

Back on Earth.

HOW COULD YOU JUST LET HIM FLOAT AWAY STAR FINGER.

But that aside, the Reject Squad has managed to track Star Finger, and call up Brainy. But our grouchy robot dismisses them and Star Finger.

Brainy hangs up on them, and Pete confesses on being stuck on what to do next.  But despite that, he and the rest go to confront Star Finger again.

Okay I have questions on how that works.

Nice.

Star Finger gets annoyed that they are back, and ask who they are again, and if he owes them money.

Very accurate.

Their fight with Star Fingers goes much better this time. They still mess up in several ways, but manage to jump back up and use their powers in an effective manner. But Star Finger shoots the star minons at Stone Boy, making him float away.

The scene then cuts back to the Legion, and we get a good scene with Lightning Lad and Superman.

Seeing that the monsters' numbers have increased, Superman calls Brainy to see if there any solutions yet.

And he did!

Oh.

So his solution is a cannon that will polarize the ionosphere to make it inhospitable for anything, but there is a chance that it can incinerate the rest of the atmosphere over the western hemisphere.

Oh boy.

Superman tells him to keep thinking but Brainy states that there's less than an hour less, and given no clear origin, not many options are available.

We then see Stone Boy arrive in space with the Star Minions, and then this happens.

OH BOY.

The commercial cut then happens, and when returning, we finally see some more Legionnaires. HOORAY!

PFFT.

But as soon as the transformed Star Minions let go of him, Stone Boy turns into stone and descends back to earth.

But Brainy exits the ship with the cannon, which is charging. Superman insists there has to be another way, but Brainy says he doesn't have any other options.

Mm.

Returning to the Reject Squad, Star Finger once again has the upper hand on all except Chlorophyll Kid. WHo then proceeds to grow the same plant from the Audition. Which first attacks Star Finger, then turns to the squad.

And then Star Finger incinerates it, saying they should feel honored as he prepares to kill them. Thankfully Stone Boy crashes into the guy just in time, which leaves Star Finger unable to do anything else.

I'm gonna guess Stone Boy is the silent guy.

But he tells the group that the Star Minions are what eating the atmosphere. Unable to reach either the Legion or the SP though, the Squad try removing Star Finger's hand, but it refuses to go.  And when Pete demands to know how to get the glove off, we get one of hte best moments.

Wow.

Just as the cannon Brainy made is at full power, the Squad manages to arrive in Pete's mom's car with Star Finger tied to the hood.

Pfft.

Infectious Lass tells the Legion that it's Star Finger's glove that made the monsters. Brainy is still playing the role of the doubter.

What a grouch.

He removed it with grumpiness.

MY GIRL IS HARDCORE.

Brainy then says it seems the Squad is correct, but when they say they managed to save the world, he says not yet.

What a grump.

The scene cuts back to earth, where the Legion is thanking the Squad, with Brainy admitting they underestimated Star Finger. To which Star Finger says "Of course you did!" As the SP drag him away.

And then Lightning Lad admits they underestimated the rejects as well. And that he hopes to see them at the next audition.

The Squad state that although they are not as power as the individual members, they still make a good team, and they can fill in for the Legion once in a while, which  Bouncing Boy then coins the term "Legion of Substitute Heroes". Which the group likes.Superman replies to by saying they would be honored to work with them again.

What a dork.

So final thoughts on the episode overall and the characters

Okay, so this is both a lighter toned episode and one of the best written ones, and it doesn't even focus on the main cast of the series. I really enjoyed the episode. I also like they don't use the word Substitutes early on.

My only nitpick is the difference between this episode and the audition issue of the show's comic, which focused more on Infectious Lass rather than a group of the rejects, who is very different between the two versions.

We get a better look at the different types of people in this universe, seeing that not all people have boast-worthy powers, but they can still be effective if used in a particular manner. And even if the power is a good concept, execution and limits of that power can impact how effective it is.

I can understand both the reasoning on not picking just anyone in the auditions. Being in the Legion is hazardous. But I can also understand the disappointment of those rejected.

Now, onto the characters.

The only official Legion characters who got developed in a way were Lightning Lad, Bouncing Boy, and Brainiac 5.

Lightning Lad HATES the auditions. And we can't overlook the muttering under his breath when the audition was over. And clearly he wasn't a fan of the rejects – especially Pete. And that reaction when he sees him the first time since the initial meeting?

Not okay.

Garth, you go over to that boy's place and take him out on an apology date.

Although, he does believe the squad/Substitutes kids on the glove thing. So, he doesn't think them as unintelligent initially. And he does warm up to them afterwards, saying he hopes to see them next audition. Aww.

WIth Bouncing Boy, we once again see the optimistic guy who has faith in others. But it goes into his background a bit. We learn that he wasn't automatically accepted into the Legion. But instead it took him four tries before getting in.

Four.

Give this guy an award for determination.

Now it even makes more sense why he would volunteer to help applicants prepare for the auditions. He knows how it feels to be rejected, but he eventually got it, so he wants to give others as much guidance as possible. He was the right person to give the rejected applicants a pep talk afterwards.

It was kind of funny when he sees the Squad arrive in space, and told them that when he said "When I said keep trying, I meant next year." So, he's not trying to get these kids to endanger themselves.

And the part where he says he believes the Squad? Perfect.

Bouncing Boy is a perfect person.

And on the other hand... character development with Brainy...

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY.

So he's mostly annoyed with the auditions as well. Not to the same level as Lightning Lad. But he is much more dubious of those who didn't make it in, and when told to examine the glove, he shoves the cannon to Lightning Lad angrily. So, clearly, he has a lower opinion that Lightning Lad of the rejects.

He does seem to apologize afterwards, but clearly he's the type who doesn't seem to think highly of others initially. Making it hard to socialize with.

And then there is the solution he came up with. Making the ionosphere inhospitable with the chance of incinerating part of the atmosphere.

While the chance of dooming the planet wasn't that high, it was still a major issue. But Brainy insisted it had to be done. Thank god the Squad came in with the glove.

But the fact he was ready to overlook the risk to get rid of the monsters does show some of his darker nature. We've seen a less dark thing regarding him withholding info from Superman and the others. But this episode? This was a major thing to remember for season 2.

We also see signs of a bit of development with Superman, but not from this episode. It's from the last episode. Regarding Brainy.

When the cannon finishes charging up, he comments "I just hope we're not about to save the world by destroying it." That was directed to Brainy.

The Superman from the earlier episodes – particularly the range from first to seventh or eigth – wouldn't have said something like that. But think about what happened last time. He found out Brainy neglected telling him important things – the Alignment and the fact his powers depend on the yellow sun. He knows now Brainy has questionable morality. Not necessarily wrong in terms of the long run usually, but not entirely good with its current impact.

Does this mean their relationship has taken a turn for the worst? No. It means he's seeing Brainy more as a real person. A person with flaws.

And with that, can go to try helping him address those flaws.

And now the rest of the Legion. Most of them didn't get that much character development but I can make a few comments.

Saturn Girl is bad ass. She threatened Star Finger with having Matter-Eater Lad EATING PART OF HIM. And I don't think she's the type for lying in serious situations.

Phantom Girl and Timber Wolf don't have speaking roles, but I certainly want to know where they were when they weren't seen at the auditions.

As for the new comers, we got Star Boy and Matter-Eater Lad.

First, on Star Boy's character.

In most adaptations of the comics, Star Boy is depicted as white. However, in the 2005 reboot, he was changed to be Black. And anyone who knows me well knows I am the type to celebrate any POC hero/protagonist. 

Hence why anyone following me found their dash being flooded with Black Panther when the trailer came out. 

And my extreme bitterness on the fact the show's final product had lightened Triplicate Girl's skin color in comparison to the concept art.  

So I appreciate the fact that Star Boy was presented as Black in this show.

Speaking of Black Panther...

PLEASE GO SEE THE MOVIE WHEN IT COMES OUT WHEREVER YOU LIVE IF POSSIBLE.

In this episode, he doesn't have any speaking parts, like Wave. But he is expressive. Much more expressive. And isn't afraid of putting Lightning Lad in his place.

Despite the disappointing lack of development in this episode, he would get more development in Season 2 thankfully.

With Matter-Eater Lad, we do see he and Lightning Lad do have a friendship. And that he won't balk at the idea of eating living things. Making it even more likely he would have bitten some part of Star Finger off.

We once again see some of the other Legionnaires though. The list includes Element Lad, Tyroc, Sun Boy and Blok. And if you look carefully, also Shrinking Violet (although only towards the end). They don't get developed.

Now, the Villain of the episode.

Star Finger is an absolute JOY. And is one of the show's best villains because of his dramatic personality. He's not realistic or complex like Mekt or Alexis, and he's not threatening like the LSV, Londo, or (arguably) the F5 (I say arguably because let's face it, they aren't that interesting but the show is written so that the Legion considers them a threat). But he has so much personality you can't help but admire his antics in the show.

As for his personality, he is very dramatic. And clearly lacks much concern, as seen with the Star Minions.

HE JUST STEALS THE CROWN FROM ONE AND LETS IT FLOAT AWAY.

As a villain in terms of personality, he is a villain written well. He's written in a way that wanting to be a villain/criminal to strike fear into people seems legit. In comparison to Drax, he is the better written guy. An arc is unlikely, but he is still very enjoyable.

And now for the Substitutes, aka Reject Squad.

Chlorophyll Kid is another overweight character who is not written as someone obsessing over food. He is timid, and while he can't control plants – particularly the man eating ones, he does figure out how to use them effectively in some degree.

Stone Boy didn't get a lot of development in the episode, due to a combo of both not being a talker and constantly turning into stone for long durations. But he is very smart, given he made calculations on when he was falling back to Earth. SCIENCE MAJOR MATERIAL.

Infectious Lass. While I do like her in the cartoon, I do like the version they had in the cartoon's comic more. Mainly because she had more personality, but that can be because it focused on her. But she is still great in the show. She is definitely more vulnerable emotionally than any of the other girls we've seen on this show, which I appreciate. We need diverse personalities. And I love the fact they gave her an inhaler and made her sound like she had a cold.

Color Kid is very energetic, and almost on Star Finger's level of flamboyant. Not ignoring that rainbow triangle on his chest. Unlike the rest of the squad though, he is less aware of danger and why exactly he didn't make the cut. But I would sell my soul for his skills with color though. I think ANY ARTIST WOULD.

And then there is my favorite, Porcupine Pete. We’ve already seen him before, and we see that he is written consistently in this show. Massive Legion fan, adorkable. And no one can pry me away from the idea he has a crush on Lighting Lad-senpai. But we also see he has a close relationship with his mom. And he can hurt others easily with his quills, although unintentionally. As seen as when he saves a girl in the pool and she is unfortunate enough to get covered in them.

He assumes leadership of the Reject Squad. He isn't always sure what the best course of action is, but isn't afraid to ask for help. He doesn't let pride interfere.

Very different from Lightning Lad-senpai.

We also see him develop confidence in this episode. Which I love.

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully my next review won't take too long, given I’m on winter break. But I have work, and I don’t think we need to ask on what work in retail is like during holiday seasons.

But meanwhile, I was hoping if I could get some feedback on the gifs, particularly with the fonts. If you think there’s anything I can change to improve them, lemme know.

[floral-necromaniac]

For the meme: Sioa and Tekku? OvO

Sioa:

01. Full name: Sioa02. Best friend: So far none actually, she’s a true loner03. Sexuality: heterosexual04. Favorite color: bright green05. Relationship status: has a crush06. Ideal mate: She never really thought about a specific ideal07. Turn-ons: knowing what you want, a guy that isn’t goofy at all, talented guys08. Favorite food: meat09. Crushes: Nexx ( @eviru )10. Favorite music: metal, asuran music11. Biggest fear: Sioa? Fears? Pff!12. Biggest fantasy: She’s rather realistic about everything soo…it’s having her won workshop and that already happened13. Bad habits: talking back without a second thought14. Biggest regret: talking back at that one charr15. Best kept secrets: How she made her lightsabre work16. Last thought: Oh, that could be fun! 17. Worst romantic experience: that one asuran boy who was kinda cute, yeah…he turned out to be a real turn-off18. Biggest insecurity: “Was I too mean again?”19. Weapon of choice: sword and gun20. Role Model: Sioa is her own role model, looking up at someone is unnecessary, you gotta get shit done on your own!

Tekku:

01. Full name: Tekku02. Best friend: none03. Sexuality: bi maybe04. Favorite color: orange05. Relationship status: single06. Ideal mate: none, leave him alone07. Turn-ons: …08. Favorite food: despair chocolate cake09. Crushes: none10. Favorite music: loud stuff that makes you unable to think properly11. Biggest fear: What could be worse than his current state?12. Biggest fantasy: getting free of this hellish cycle of bad luck13. Bad habits: drowning his thoughts in alcohol14. Biggest regret: joining the whispers because he’s so friggin incapable of living in general15. Best kept secrets: how he actually stays alive, though he doesn’t even know himself16. Last thought: Yeah, fuck it, whatevs….17. Worst romantic experience: All of them18. Biggest insecurity: All about himself19. Weapon of choice: he never chose one20. Role Model: none

bear with him….please

[tumblunni]

like.. i mean.. its not even a Huge Bad or anything, like it doesnt seem like the creators were intentionally bigoted but just that they wanted to do ~historical accuracy~ but this kinda bugged me in The Banner Saga its not even anything big but it really stacks up??

like i mean there’s loads and loads of scattered lines that’re all ‘oh no the women and children’ and thats pretty much the only way they appear as like ‘oh no.’ the main female character in the whole game is your protagonist’s daughter who you ~have to preserve the innocence of~ by not letting her fight when like she’s fuckin 18 and she’s ONE OF THE BEST UNITS IN THE DAMN GAME her, and oddlief, and yrsa. ALL THE DAMN ARCHERS cos btw all women are archers and we only have three of them across two armies and there’s like fiddy other classes for men and also a species of all male giants and also the enemy stonemen are assumed to be all male and then seeing one female one is meant to humanize them just because ~oh the women and children~ and ~women don’t fight in war, they must be really suffering to start doing that~ WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR THREE FEMALE PARTY MEMBERS RIGHT THERE

and seriously fuckin ~PRESERVING HER INNOCENCE~ she’s 18 you get an achievement for either not using her in battle, or using her but never having her deal a killing blow she’s ffffuckin 18 you’re supposed to just see her as ~oh poor boo~ who i should want to protect, and ignore her own wishes when she keeps saying she wants to fight universally, allowing her to do what she asks to do will get nothing but bad results in random events and stuff first time you do it it gets a man killed man also did I mention how annoying it is that you can just randomly lose units forever if you pick the wrong dialogue option in random events?? I lost gunnulf and yrsa and i’d wasted SO MANY UPGRADE POINTS ON THEM so yeah there’s only three female characters and two of them can die in these random events and dont really have much of a plot role and then the last one is ~preserve her innocence plot~ and gets kidnapped or whatever to motivate her dad, and then even badass Oddlief gets kidnapped too to motivate protagonist and like SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE becomes a love interest for him right before this happened like seriously where was the fucking chemistry

oh and oddlief also has another fuckin wallbanger scene cos she’s the wife of the village chief and she comes out and tells you that you have to be the next village chief when he dies, because “nobody would ever follow a woman” and “i would ruin the village for the sake of my selfishness, everything would fall apart into riots” if she tried to be the new chief like.. youre just... a random fuckin hunter??? oh and blablabla oddlief is apparantly ‘barren’ so she’s a dead end to the chief line and you could provide a heir blablabla. that just makes it even weirder that she suddenly gets a romance with you out of nowhere prior to her potential death scene, when youre like.. you’re just chief cos you’re taking the role of her son... oh and then she goes off on a tangeant about how being seen as a strong woman is super bad and she wants to be ~allowed to cry like a real woman~ and its just really fuckin stupid and never gets brought up again this is what i mean about games with ‘historical accuracy’ about predjudice or whatever not having to.. like... AGREE WITH THE PREDJUDICE AND PRETEND EVERYONE SUPPORTED IT INCLUDING THE VICTIMS thats such a fucking LAZY way to handle this kind of plot

and then seriously if they were trying so hard to limit all women to one class then they shoulda tried harder to not make it THE BEST CLASS IN THE GAME that repeatedly solo’d the entire board for me while protaggy mcdad went down like a sack o bricks if i’d been able to keep all three archers instead of RANDOM FRIGGIN DEATH EVENTS, I coulda had a much easier time! seriously daughter character had a shitty unique ability that I never used once in the game, and she was STILL better than everyone else the only people who were even better were the other two archers who had a good ability too

also like.. seriously.. you could have at least tried to establish that daughter character was in need of protection... at all?? like she’s just introduced going “dad i wanna fight to defend my own damn life and home” and then he says no and THEN SHE KICKS ASS WHEN SHE ACTUALLY FIGHTS TO DEFEND HER OWN DAMN LIFE AND HOME and we know NOTHING about these characters really, except that the guy we’re supposed to like has been introduced going all ‘blablabla dont fight for literally no reason except woman’ and then his motive for the whole game is about sheltering someone who doesnt need it and never asked for it and notably he has no fucking arguments about his daughter’s childhood friend fighting in the same fight just cos he’s a dude. even though theyre a fuckin HUNTER FAMILY and he’s been fighting alongside his daughter every damn day and should know what she’s capable of. And this is just a random village kid! who predictably dies in that same battle! and gets completely forgotten about! tfw ur shitty sexism plot is wreckin things for the male characters too lol

oh and then THE FUCKIN ENDING the big gimmick is that one of the characters has to sacrifice themself to kill the big bad and they have the fuckin GALL to make this THE ONLY TIME you’re allowed to let her prove herself! the choice of letting her be the one to die is presented as “but dad i can really do it” and her proving she’s better than him so if you dont want her to die you have to shoot her down and say she cant fight cos she’s a girl and blablabla i will protect you even though you dont need protecting AGAIN when really my fuckin motivation was more like “fuck u maybe if you dont exist then her plot won’t be blablabla protection every five minutes” I REALLY WANTED THIS PROTAGONIST TO DIE i’d say its cruel of me to blame him for bad writing choices, but really he didnt have much personality outside of the sexism. just generic 'for some reason you are our leader now and we all trust you’ type hero...

and like.. this put everything all into perspective?? like her WHOLE PURPOSE IN THE GAME has been to make you wanna protect her, and then ~oh tragedy~ she gets fridged in the end to fuel our protagonist’s character growth and again its a case of the bad outcome whenever you choose to agree with her. and like it “proves” the whole thing cos her big hero moment of fighting gets her killed. (even though it does the same to the protagonist too...) and then if you choose the dad to be the one who dies you’re forced to agree with his protectiveness thing and he dies and now she’s left believing he’s right... I mean I’m at least happy they gave us a choice here! But i’m not really very confident in how they’ll handle her as the protagonist in the sequel, considering how they handled all the female characters here. or they might just have some new character take over the protagonist slot instead...

oh and also its weird that every female character is basically a different hairstyle/hat on the same model like.. a super super thin modern ideal of a supermodel character, too its not super fanservicey or anything but its weird with how all the dudes vary wildly in body build and like.. the typical viking wife character in anything ever is usually chubby, and here you cant even tell which one is supposed to be older than the other two. and they all wear robes despite being archers?? also why is the varl race all male, except from just “because theyre strong and nobody wants to see strong women” the jotunn/giants in norse myth were never all male, and that seems to be what they’re based on. tho i mean this is a world where greek centaurs and weird biological statue robots are also here, so they might not be based on anything, lol

[7deadlycinderellas]

There Once was a Town in Maine, ch12

Ao3 link

Lacey sits cross legged on the floor, facing the open elevator.

The camera on her old phone had been easy enough to rig. She’s still not sure what’s below her, but she wants proof whatever it is. The electric lantern too, was easy enough.

She places them in the elevator, sets the trigger to start recording, and slowly pulls the cord to close the doors and start its descent.

She counts carefully. And five minutes later, she pulls it back up.

The lantern has been knocked over, but thankfully her camera is fine. She picks it up, and slowly rewinds, not sure what she expects to see.

The light is barely a speck in the darkness, until the darkness moves, and an eye the size of a hubcap appeared, surrounded by dark purple scales.

Lacey puts the phone down, and buries her face in her hands. If she can make even herself believe what she’s saw, she’ll find them tomorrow.

**

Emma stays over that night. Mary Margaret is borderline inconsolable, and while Emma promises that she’ll help in any way she can, her knowledge of medical law is very small.

She drags over her laptop and sleeps fitfully on the couch, doing what research she can. Nothing she can find says anything about how anyone could possibly take power of attorney from a legally competent spouse.

The file she has on Lily’s kidnapping is sitting on her desk back at the apartment. Emma feels like she should have pulled the trigger on it a long time ago. But here, alone, she admits to herself that she was scared. Nothing in this town followed the laws or logic she knew. None of it played by the rules.

Well now, may she shouldn’t either.

She wakes up early to leave, but not before checking on Mary Margaret. The apartment bedroom is small, but despite the delicate and attractive furnishings, it bears the fruit of the loneliness she must have felt since her husband’s illness. His things still sit in the bathroom untouched, his shoes sit by the coat rack, and when Emma peeks in on her, she can’t help but notice one side of the bed is almost pristine.

She makes a pot of tea and leaves it on the counter with a note.

“If what I want to do works, Regina won’t be a problem anymore”.

She returns home quickly, needing to catch Neal and Henry before they leave for the school.

“Henry, I need a favor today”.

“What?”

“At lunch today, use your phone to get a video of Lily. Have her say her name, her birthday, and her parents names. Then send it to me, and come straight home after school.”

“Okay,” he replies, and goes down to get in the car.

Emma turns to Neal. “I’m going to go see your father again.”

When he sighs, she puts both hands on his shoulders,

“I might need his help, and he knows the people in this town better than anyone.”

After a long moment, Neal says,

“I can’t help remembering what he told you before. That we’re going about this the wrong way. Going after Regina about Lily feels...real world”.

“I know,” Emma responds, eyes downcast, “But it’s all I know to do, and I feel like if I can’t fix this than someone’s going to get really hurt because of my actions.”

Neal takes both her hands in his and pulls her close.

Once Emma’s calmed down a bit, she says.

“I couldn’t even hug her. The book says she’s my mother, and I couldn’t even bring myself to hug her. It’s like something inside of me is broken.”

“Whether she is or not- and let’s be real, put on wigs and you two could pass for sisters- there’s nothing wrong with you. She may be your mother, but you didn’t grow up with her. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you're going to have this amazing relationship overnight. You’re friends, good friends, and that’s what you should concentrate on being for her”.

Emma lets her muscles go slack, and allows Neal to hold her upright for just a moment.

***

Lacey stares at the video on the phone again. She thought maybe that if she slept on it, it would have changed somehow, or that she would have a better idea of what to do.

But there’s a dragon living underneath her library. And she can’t just send someone that video and expect anything good to come of it.

She’ll show them in person, as soon as she can get up the courage to leave the front door of the library.

**

Emma enters the shop without really any idea what’s going to come of it.

Mr. Gold is behind his counter again, examining something. Emma sees what he is- a small town shopkeeper with a very odd set of skills and more influence than he ought be able to have. His other identities- a man of dark magic, friggin Rumpelstiltskin, her own father in law….they all flit around in the background.

He looks up, and Emma’s not quite sure if he was expecting her or not.

“I’ve been told you do a bit of law work, Mr Gold,” she starts off, straight to the point.

“Find yourself in a bit of a pickle, Miss Swan?”

“Please cut the crap Mr. Gold. What I’m saying is, if I made certain accusations against Mayor Mills, would you be able to back me up?”

He sits on his stool, resting his hands on the counter in front of him.

“What might I ask, are you accusing her of?”

“You’ve met Lily right? The girl she adopted, well she didn’t. I knew her when we were younger, and her parents still have her reported missing. There’s nothing legal about Mayor Mills keeping her here.”

Mr. Gold sighs a bit.

“When we first came to this town, Regina asked me to find her a child. She had some kind of maternal urge that this place wasn’t satisfying. I never directly refused her of course, but even I had my doubts about the possibility of her caring for a child. “

“So it’s not just me who thinks she treats the girl badly?”

“Dig into her past, and you might find out dear mayor a bit deficient in role models. But nonetheless, I have no reason to impede your charges. I could even be convinced to testify that she didn’t seek out any proper legal channels for her adoption if you do me a favor today”.

“I thought I already owed you a favor?”

“Might be better to call this more of a solid. I have a few things which I didn’t feel comfortable storing in the shop. I gave them to one of my tenants a long time ago- they should still be somewhere in the basement of the Storybrooke library.”

“Really all you want me to do is go the library and get something?”

“It’s a small bottle, labelled with parchment, ‘essence of true love’”

“I’m not even going to ask what that means”.

He chuckles. “It may be more necessary than you could understand in the coming days.”

“Why did you keep it there? Is the librarian that trustworthy?”

“More than you could understand,” he replied solemnly.

He then reaches under the counter and hands Emma a sword.

“You may find this necessary.”

Emma looks the old man up and down.

“Uhh, thanks?”

And she leaves the store for the library, entirely unsure of what she’s getting herself into.

**

The librarian, as it was, had just managed to take her first steps outside the street for the first time in twenty-eight years.

**

Neal hated hospitals. Modern medicine was entirely alien to him when he came to this world, and his experiences since had not improved his first impression. The cold, sterile air, the clean, bleached and starched linens and uniforms made his skin crawl.

But still, he pushed himself through the green and white painted hallways, bouquet in hand,

He finds Mary-Margaret in the bedside chair, head in her hands.

“Hey,” he says, softly. “Henry told me you didn’t make it to school today, I thought you might not want to be alone”.

He places the flowers in their plastic vase on the side table.

“Thank you,” she manages to sniff. “The doctors have already been by. They’re all so damn sorry,” the curse sounds foreign in Mary-Margaret’s mouth, but she owns it. “Emma’s right, there’s no reason the mayor should be able to do this. Everyone in this whole damn town is so scared of her, and no one seems willing to do anything about it.”

“Hopefully, Emma’s plans will distract her long enough that she’ll forget what she planned to do.”

“Is that where she is right now?”

Neal nods.

“Good- I know it’s not fair, we haven’t been neighbors that long but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Emma was avoiding me after last night”.

“Don’t take any offense at it. Emma’s not really good with feelings. She prefers try to make the problem go away to dealing with the emotions they cause. Plus, you’ve always been really motherly to all of us, and I don’t think she really knows how to deal with that.”

“Oh,” Mary-Margaret says quietly. “I know she’s mentioned that she had a really tough childhood, but I never would have thought-”

“It’s not your fault. Neither of us had good childhoods. It’s part of the reason I think why we worked so well together- we both wanted to give the other something they didn’t have. It’s why we’re both so intent on being good to Henry. But I think Emma sort of resents people caring about her sometimes, because she never had it growing up and part of her still doesn’t think she deserves it.”

Neal isn’t quite sure why he’s telling her all of this. He’s avoided speaking about his own childhood for so long that he barely recognizes the words coming out of his mouth. And the thing about Emma- he’s never told her that he recognized what she did. Why she sometimes tried to push people away. But talking to Mary-Margaret is easy to talk to, comforting and understanding. She seems like she would have been a great mom, and it sucks to know that Emma’s never going to get to have that.

Mary-Margaret gazes down at the prone figure on the bed, machines beeping steadily for the moment.

“I wish every day that he will just wake up, like nothing ever happened, and this will all go away. It all came on so suddenly, it almost feels like it’s possible”.

“I guess there’s always hope,” Neal tells her.

His phone buzzes in his pocket. It’s a message from Ruby, which reads ‘Lacey left the library, she’s at the diner now and wants to show you something.”

Confused, Neal puts it back in his pocket. It’s about time to pick up Henry from school anyway.

“I’ve gotta go,” Neal says, standing up, “We’ll come back to check on you later if you don’t come home.”

“Thank you, “ she says, wiping her nose again, “But I think I’ll come home for dinner and try and get some more sleep.”

Neal reaches out and puts one hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

When he reaches the car, Neal’s phone buzzes again. It’s from Emma, this time a single line.

“Yeah, there’s a fucking dragon under the library.”

Neal sighs. This is the beginning of the end, he can tell. Nothing in their lives is going to be normal for a long time.

[ninetyfivepercentdantomasik]

Great Characters: General Grievous (Clone Wars, 2003)

This will be an unorthodox character review because it will be very subjective, exclusive, and narrow-minded. This is not a review of General Grievous in all his various appearances, forms, and incarnations throughout the Star Wars mythos. This is a review of the only version of him that was truly memorable and truly worthy of recognition. The three fifteen-minute episodes of Genndy Tartakovsky’s Clone Wars in which he appeared.

I have never gotten over these moments. The atmosphere, the tension, the hair standing up on your neck....Grievous’ first appearance is a role model for creating terror and suspense. The still silence following the droid army’s ceasefire, broken by the robotic sounds of footsteps moving forward. Focused, driven, unknown. We are forced to wait what feels like half a lifetime to see the thing making those sounds. This white caped figure standing every bit as iconic and imposing as Samurai Jack, as he makes his way to the cornered Jedi knights and padowan.

It’s enough to drive someone crazy, and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo actually does lose it and charge out to face whatever formidable adversary approaches.

*STOMP*

Snuffed right out of existence. That’s when the real terror begins, as we see this thing open itself up in a Predator-like display of cybernetic formidability. Next thing you know it’s fighting every Jedi at once with lightsabers in its hands, its feet, in the air, on the ground, like it’s everywhere at once, a spinning, slashing weapon of death. Fast death, brutal death, certain death.

What made this thing stand out so much among Star Wars villains was the use of character choices and techniques that at this point had only been seen as handicaps. No force manipulation, no deflecting blasts, no lightning, no posturing. Grievous was a killing machine lacking all of the assets of a Jedi except for lightsaber proficiency. What’s scary was that he made it clear that that was enough to become a Jedi Hunter. Sure, the force can crush what organic parts he still has, sure, a blaster can end him, and sure, no amount of training will allow him to become a Jedi or Sith. So what? He leads the Separatist Droid Armies, they can take all the blaster fire and force blasts for him. When it comes down to close combat, using the force will get you killed. Every second not spent reacting to his attacks is your last second in this life.

Seeing Jedi of all classes so.... well, outclassed, was a terrifying thing to witness. Especially to learn it came from a machine that put no thought or effort into following the path of Jedi or Sith. It was like in those moments, the lightsaber was taken away from the Jedi as “their” weapon. A cornerstone of Jedi tradition, stolen. And with force manipulation and blasters too slow to use in close combat, it seemed the Jedi were helpless against this new threat. Man beaten by pure mechanical destructiveness.

Now for the reason why this is only about these three little mini-episodes; because every other version of Grievous doesn’t come close to this depiction. Except, perhaps, for Revenge of the Sith, where he displays some of his "sh*t-what-do-I-do-against-that” swordplay against Obi-Wan in their battle, meeting his end, quite effectively, from a blaster. We get to see Grievous as both lethal and fragile, like in the series. A single force crush from Mace Windu was all it took to leave lasting damage on the mecha general in his final Clone Wars appearance, demonstrating the limits of his body without subtracting from his abilities. It’s the contrast of overwhelming strength and crippling weakness that adds intrigue, and serves as a precursor for Darth Vader, another weak-bodied death machine.

Every other version of Grievous is a friggin’ weakling. Not because he constantly loses, but because his opponents constantly survive to face him again. This thing does not mess around! The fear that grips you when Grievous appears, that’s well-founded. He will chop you up like firewood and that’s not a metaphor. All that menace, all that feeling of hopelessness, of having one of your own weapons stolen from you; that’s all gone. Grievous might as well be another droid or one-off character if he’s going to be that ineffective. Although, truth be told, the 3D Clone Wars had a lot more issues than just what they did with Grievous, and I have neither the time, nor the desire to go into all the crap that show pulled. Instead, I will happily live my tunnel-vision life of this version of Grievous being the only version of Grievous (and maybe Revenge of the Sith).

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 10x09: “The Things We Left Behind”

The prophetic nightmare.

Pontiac, Illinois.

Our second Wayward Girl, introduced similarly like Alex.

“Get your hands off me, perv. I’ll sue your ass.” With what lawyer?

“Your father’s here to see you.”

The hope in Claire’s eyes when she hears it’s her father...when she sees Cas...

“I’m not your father.” Still so painful to see that spark die in her eyes.

“My dad … Is he still in there?”

“No. The human soul, it can only occupy a body while it retains a certain … structural integrity, and this vessel, it was … It was ripped apart on a subatomic level by an archangel.”

“Well, then how are you …?”

“I was reassembled. Your father is in Heaven.”

Jimmy’s officially dead.

“Where is your mother?”

“About a few months after you … She took off. Dropped me off at my grandma’s and went to go ‘find herself.’ I guess she’s still looking.”

That’s for another episode.

The intro of Cas’ new tie.

Claire fixing Cas’ tie is rather cute.

The Jimmy Novak voice!

“You vanish, for years. No contact, not even a Christmas card. Why come back now?”

“I, um … I didn’t, uh … I was traveling.”

“For work.”

“Work. Yes.”

They didn’t think this through.

“I … uh … I fight certain deadly threats to humanity.”

“He’s an exterminator.”

“I’m an exterminator.”

Cas is almost incapable of lying on the spot, omg.

“You know, I think I might have bedbugs. Any tips?”

“Of course. You should sleep tight and not let them bite.”

So cute.

“I’m denying your application for custody. I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. I’m not. But until Claire turns eighteen, she is my responsibility. I know you’re trying to do what you think is best. I know you want to be her friend.”

“I do.”

“And that’s our problem, Mr. Novak. Claire’s troubled. The last few years have not been easy for her. And she doesn’t need a friend; she needs a father.”

A very good point.

It’s cute to see Dean laugh...but I can hear how forced it is.

Sam made him a grilled cheese sandwich. 

*Cas knocks a guard out.*

“Is he...?”

“He’s sleeping.”

Can’t wait to see that paralleled again in S13 with Jack and Kaia.

Rowena. Not looking too good for her.

“The Castiel I met? He was crappy. Like super stuck-up and a dick and you just wanted to punch him in his stupid angel face.” I semi-disagree. He’s better now, but I didn’t mind him back then.

“Before, I was very self-assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize that there is no righteous path. It’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far too easy to do your worst.” Cas is so inspirational.

Claire picked his pocket there.

Damn it.

“This is why you called us? THIS is your emergency?” 

“Yes!”

“No, Cas! An emergency is a dead body, okay? Or—or a wigged-out angel, or the Apocalypse, take three.” 

HE’S YOUR FRIEND, HELP HIM OUT.

“Some chick bolting on you is not an emergency. That’s … that’s every Friday night for Sam.” lmao

“This isn’t just ‘some chick.’ I’m responsible for her.”

“Since when? You met her once, how many years ago?”

Twice, 6 years ago. Not to mention he possessed her for a bit.

LUNCH DATE LUNCH DATE LUNCH DATE!!!!

“So you’re having a midlife crisis.”

“Well, I’m extremely old. I think I’m entitled.”

I love the faraway look in Cas’ eyes when he says that.

“Cas, listen to me. There’s some stuff you just got to let go. Okay? The people you let down, the ones you can’t save … You got to forget about them. For your own good.”

“Is that what you do?”

“That’s the opposite of what I do. But I ain’t exactly a role model.”

“That’s not true.”

There’s so much love and admiration in Cas’ eyes when he looks at Dean. I can not.

“How are you, Dean?”

“I’m fine.”

Cas sees right through him. 

“Cas, I need you to promise me something.”

“Of course.”

“If I do go dark side, you got to take me out.”

On a date.

“Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try.” Did you really think Cas would stay true to that promise???

“That won’t work.”

“I didn’t ask you, Braveheart.”

“’Freedom!’”

I love that Rowena runs with the “Braveheart” insult.

“She was a HORRIBLE mother! Did I tell you the time she almost traded me for three pigs? THREE! I was an attractive child. I could juggle. I was worth five pigs, at least.” lol. Gotta love that self esteem.

“And don’t get me started about the name. ‘Fergus.’ It sounds like a venereal disease, and not the fun kind.” Are there any “fun” kinds???

“Claire’s a good kid, detective. She’s smart, and underneath it all, she has a big heart.” True. I’m sure Jody would agree.

Dustin Tate. Claire’s friend.

Randy. You shady bastard.

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have borrowed so much money. But, uh… The holidays are coming, and I like to spoil my kids.” I’m ~sure~ that’s what you used your money for.

“Kinda thought you were gonna … steal enough to pay down the debt, like we talked about. But, uh…”

“I tried.”

“Not hard enough.”

What kind of slimy manipulation???

Wiener Hut.

Bad cop Cas steps in.

Pftt, Dean. 

“Wait ‘til you’re alone, then you hit that register jockey hard. You put the fear of God into him, you understand?” I doubt Claire could’ve done that. (Maybe now, but certainly not then.)

Cas steps in, again.

“Eat me, Hasselhoff.”

“Claire, hold on a second. Look, my name’s—”

“Sam. And you’re Dean. We’ve met, remember?”

She remembers them, despite having minimal interaction with them.

“Claire. You were going to rob that convenience store?”

“So?”

“‘So?’ So … it’s—it’s wrong!”

Cas put on his Dad voice there.

“You killed my dad.” Technically that was either Raphael or Lucifer, depending on which sub-atomic destroying of the body Cas was referring to when he told Claire that her dad was dead.

When Claire can’t (physically) hurt Cas, she knew that hurting Sam or Dean was the next closest thing. 

“I used to pray to you, Castiel. Every night. I would beg you to bring him home safe.”

“I know.”

OOOHHHH THE PARALLELS.

“Claire, that man is using you.”

“He was there for me. When things got bad—and they got REAL damn bad—he was there when no one else was.”

That’s manipulation, hon.

“You can go to hell.” Been there, done that.

“As I remember it, you said I would die in a gutter, covered in my own sick.“ Didn’t that happen?

“How did you die?” She did take an interest in how he died.

“I didn’t even have a father!”

“Of course you had a father! You were just conceived during a winter solstice orgy, and it’s not like I was taking names.”

OH MY GOD.

“I understand you’re angry. I understand you … hate me. And if you want to keep me locked away, then so be it. But understand that I’ll always be your mother. And I’ll always love you.” I’m honestly not sure how much I can believe this. Knowing how devastated she is now that Crowley’s dead...

“Quiet Village” by Martin Denny.

Team Free Will bar scene!

“Cas, don’t beat yourself up, man. Claire was …”

“Right. She was right. Who am I to tell her how to live her life?”

“Well, somebody needs to. It’s not like we’re talking about Mother Teresa here. The girl just about knocked over a Gas n Sip. She’s got issues.”

“Because of me.”

“Well, you are wearing her old man’s meat suit. Probably didn’t help.”

Yeah, Dean’s right.

Father talk.

“Did you love your father?” A rather loaded question for some in the show/fandom.

“Tell him about that time in New York.”

“Oh yeah. Yeah, okay. So, uh … We were working this haunting in Long Island, and me and Sam begged the old man to let us go to the city for once.”

“He had this thing about New York, right? Too big, too loud, too dirty.”

“Yeah, and he hated the Yankees.”

“Big time.”

“Somehow, we convince him to let us go. So, we all go. We all, you know, see all the sights, and uh, ride the subway, eat too much pizza. The whole nine. Well, by about midnight, Sam and Dad are zonked, and I figure… Screw it. I’m going to CBGB.”

“So CBGB is --”

“I know. It’s where The Ramones and Blondie got their start.”

Cas spouting music trivia. s w o o n.

“Anyways, he was WAY underage at the time.”

“All right, so I get there. I sneak in, and it is nuts. I mean, people are drinking and they’re smoking and they’re—they’re snorting whatever. There’s a five-hundred pound guy on stage with a Mohawk just screaming. And, uh, my mind is blown. I don’t even know what to do. Then this girls walks up and she says ‘Hey, why don’t you come over and sit down with me and my friends at our table?’ All right!”

“Yeah, and they get him drunk. First time.”

“But not fun drunk. I’m not quite sure what was in that stuff, but the room starts to spin, and I feel like I’m going to puke … forever. And right about that time, I hear him. ‘Dean Winchester!’ My old man. I don’t know how, but he found me.”  

I’m guessing John knew Dean would go to CBGB.

“And now I’m really freaking out, because he’s just standing there, not saying anything. I look around, and everybody else is freaking out, too. In fact, nobody’s even looking him in the eye. And finally, this one guy with, like, a safety pin through his nose and a—a ‘Kill Everything’ tattoo looks up and he says, ‘Sorry, sir.’ 

Yeah. ‘Sorry, sir.’ To John friggin’ Winchester.”

I love that story.

“He saved you.”

“Yeah, and you know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around and he looked at me and he said, ‘Son, you don’t like me? That’s fine.’”

“’It’s my job to raise you right.’”

For what I can say about John Winchester...i can say he raised Sam and Dean right. Even through questionable means...

“Guns blazing, huh? That was your plan?” Just like Dean.

“Last few months, you’ve lost a bundle on the ponies. How much do you owe me now?”

“Five thousand.”

HOW WAS CLAIRE, OR ANYBODY, GOING TO GET THAT CASH IN ONE NIGHT FROM STEALING FROM A GAS N’ SIP?! I could tear Randy’s head off for being such a scumbag.

“I know the con, all right? You find some kid with Major League daddy issues and then get her to steal for you. Cut the proud papa act. I’ll make you a good deal.”

“Like I said, Claire’s family. So it better be a damn good deal.”

*angry screeching*

RIP Gerald. Killed by Crowley.

Rowena’s plan worked. Hot diggity damn.

“Rowena? You said that if I lied, you’d get me out of here.”

“Oh, and I will, darling. I’ll be back in a flash.”

Oooohhhh, just like she did Crowley/Fergus.

I know nothing happens to Claire here, but i get the worst vibes ESPECIALLY WHEN HE LOCKS THE DOOR.

NO NO NO, LET HER.

Damn it, Sam. You should’ve stayed with Dean.

Oh god. It’s happening.

How fucking quickly did he kill them???

RIP men in the house. Killed by Dean.

Poor Claire. That’s traumatizing.

“Tell me you had to do this.”

“I didn’t … I didn’t mean to.”

“No. Tell me it was them or you!”

Sam...trying so hard to hold it together.

Even Cas is horrified...he knows this is the breaking point Dean told him about. He knows the promise he made to Dean. And now he knows that he may just have to kill him.

[theboardwalkbody]

59 QUESTIONS:

Flounder told me to do 59 of those questions. I started this last night and needed to take a break. I tried to answer completely and honestly and it may have really soured my mood. By question like 20 or so it’s basically pictures of Joe Gilgun every other question. lol I felt it was easier to post photos than answer with words since I wasn’t too happy. But I’m sure if you delve into this you’ll really see where the depression and self-loathing caught hold of me again.

1. selfie

post-shower selfie. also, shout-out to Joe.

2. what would you name your future kids?

Boys: Thomas Richard (or if I had two boys Thomas and Richard). Thomas is a name that’s p much been in every gen of my family except for mine because everyone had girls and not boys. So I’d bring that back. Richard was my grandpa’s name so I’d also bring that back.

Girls: Natalie, Elizabeth, possibly Ellie, maybe Megan. 

3. do you miss anyone?

Of course. One’s a they’re-not-here-anymore thing and the others more of a we’re-growing-apart-as-people thing. 

4. what are you looking forward to?

You know, I really am looking forward to starting this new job. Not just for the money it’ll provide me with and the possibilities of me being able to do fun things like go to the friggin’ aquarium (most of this sort of thing I am already making plans to do lol oops) and see the solar eclipse but also because it feels like I’m finally DOING something. It feels like I’m finally taking this nursing-track seriously. I’ve got myself in a hospital doing career-related work. It’ll have benefits which I need to stay healthy. It’ll support me. It almost feels like Day One of this job is where my TV show starts. Day One is my Pilot episode. It’s gonna be JD walking into Sacred Heart, it’s gonna be the TARDIS landing in my yard and the Doctor saying, “run”, it’s gonna be Spongebob getting his fry cook spatula. In my mind I keep comparing it to Scrubs a lot. Like this is where we see me go from PCA to Nurse and this is where I will finally make Work Friends and maybe grab dinner with them after a long shift and maybe one day a cute employee will see me in the cafeteria and we’ll start dating. I just feel like maybe this job will be that life changing. That this is where my story starts - the story people want to see - and that’ll change my life. Or kickstart it. I know that that all sounds horribly idealistic and is not at all reality, it’s just not how life works, but that’s how excited and hopeful it’s making me.

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Lately Joe Gilgun’s been handling that. lol (and by lately i mean for like a year now). But as far as people IRL... not sure. Everyone has their days. One day this person will make me smile another day this one will. Everyone has bad days where they just rub each other the wrong way - it happens. But I feel like the people who are close to me make me smile pretty well for the most part. 

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

Not really. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and it took me two weeks top to get over him. Then again, I wasn’t even that big into him anyway. I’ve had a couple friendships melt away and those took longer to get over. Not sure I’m entirely over them. I think it just depends on the strength of the relationship and probably also the type. I really don’t peg myself as one who would find it hard to get over failed romantic en-devours, based on that past experience. 

7. what was your life like last year?

Strap in: Last year was a fucking hot mess. I mean personally as well as whatever the fuck the universe was doing. I started off last year entering Nursing III. I was excited because OB/PEDI was the rotation. I had JUST managed to pass Nursing II the week before Christmas and I truly felt like the luckiest person alive. I went into Nursing III with the impression it wouldn’t be harder than Nursing II BUT I wanted to do well anyway because OB/PEDI is where I want to be. The rotation was hectic and I was feeling the pressure and I ended up struggling. I failed the class by 2 points. Somewhere in the midst of all that I got into Preacher and so I took to drowning my sorrow by thinking of Joe (watching interviews and stuff). And man was I full of sorrow. The entire rest of May and the entirety of June I fell into such a fucking state of depression I was starting to forget literally everything. I lost an entire week of memory to depression during that period. Despite that I got a job as I’d run out of money and I started passing the time doing that. Until I got over the initial “if i mess up im fired” anxiety and got comfortable, at which point I called out frequently because my depression was like “fuck you you’re staying in bed - MENTAL HEALTH DAY LOLOLOL”. I was accepted as a re-entry student and got to try a second attempt at Nursing III. My job told me to go fuck myself (they wanted me to work friday - sunday plus one day during the week minimum - my class schedule was monday, thursday, friday and sorry i wanted a day to rest and a day to study - plus. that friday was non-negotiable. gotta love retail) and fired me. But whatever. Back to school, my priority, I went. I bought physical copies of my books to accompany the online versions. I went to the library to study. I actually studied. I excelled at clinical and I did well on all my exams except one. And then the final came up. And all I needed was a 75 to pass. My average was a 77 for christ sake. But nope. Bombed. 0.7 point failure. I got my grade three days before christmas. I tried to kill myself in front of my mom and my sister (in front of the christmas tree) with my grandma and my sisters boyfriend one room over in the kitchen. I cried for hours in my little sisters arms. I’d ruined christmas. My life was over. 0.7 points and ‘sorry, you failed out of nursing school - the last 4 years of your life was pointless’. I tried to appeal. I tried EVERYTHING. The dean of nursing told me I had no case for an appeal (my failure was my own), my only option was to re-enter the program and start from scratch. I asked her, as calmly and composed as I could muster being on the verge of tears, what steps I needed to take to re-enter. She told me, “do you really want to continue to waste your time and money at an institution you’ve already failed?”. I wanted to fucking kill her. I wanted to slit my own throat right in front of her and bleed out over her desk. I cried instead. I was so pissed at myself. Why couldn’t I be a Normal Adult and not cry until I got outside the fucking building at least? I spent the last two weeks of the year with my head so bruised it hurt to touch it or lay down on a pillow even, trying to forget literally everything, how I literally ruined my own life because I wasn’t smart enough, by sleeping as much as I could and spending the hours I was awake thinking about Joe because at least thinking of him made me a little happier. 

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Yes. I cry with literally almost every emotion.

9. who did you last see in person?

My grandma.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

I tend to be. The only time I am not is if I am so overwhelmed I don’t have the energy. Or if I am so upset I’m literally having a breakdown. Then I’m not. 

11. are you listening to music right now?

No.

12. what is something you want right now?

I kinda just want to go to bed. This whole thing has gotten too personal and I’m like half on the verge of tears and half so angry at myself I could scream.

13. how do you feel right now?

See above. I was alright before that, though. Believe me I was.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

I don’t fucking know. Men are disgusted by my appearance and usually do not appear within a 30 mile radius let alone touch me.

15. personality description

i have to be honest with you. this whole thing has made me very upset and angry with myself so i really dont think im in the right place mentally to answer this question. 

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Yes, and I feel bad about it to this day because they’re not around anymore.

17. opinion on insecurities.

I’ve got a lot of them. Also, Insecurity by Scars on 45 is a really good song, if that’s what you were asking.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Read the above question about what my year was like and ask me that again.

19. have you ever been to New York?

I have been fortunate to go to NYC quite a few times. Benefits of having a friend who lives there. However, the amazement of it has certainly worn off. It’s a little frustrating to see how some people become so elitist about it. Yes, it’s a cool place, but listen, just because it’s a cool place doesn’t mean every other place is shit. It’s kind of annoying to watch your friend go on and on about how they’re a “native” and therefore “non-natives” don’t understand how awesome their city is while at the same time actively hating all the parts that make people like the city in the first place. It’s hard to explain. But I’m over that elitist attitude.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

I still can’t stop listening to Hamilton. I guess my current fav song off that is Washington On Your Side.

21. age and birthday?

25. Aug. 24th.

22. description of crush.

(I’ve not got any crushes that pertain to my actual real life so there’s Joe again). 

23. fear(s)

i have quite a number of those and lately ive been having like ‘flashes’ of scary situations while i’m out and about and have been mini panic attacks in public. so that’s not going well.

24. height

4′11.5″ is what the medical charts say. I think I can be an honorary 5ft.

25. role model (answered already)

26. idol(s)

see # 25

27. things i hate (answered already)

28. i’ll love you if…

you show me any shred of kindness and human respect.

29. favourite film(s)

Twister. Runners up: Forrest Gump, DragonHeart, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, and Holes.

30. favourite tv show(s)

Preacher, The Pacific, Generation Kill, Boardwalk Empire, The 100 (tho it’s an on-off love), Once Upon A Time (also on-off), Mr. Robot, HOUSE, M.D. CSI: NY, Viva La Bam, Jackass, and I used to really like Doctor Who and Torchwood. Misfits, Skins (UK, of course). 8 out of 10 Cats. I’ve got an on-off thing with 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. Big Fat Quiz.... 

31. 3 random facts (answered already)

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

girls. remember #14

33. something you want to learn

Enough to get my friggin license and get out of school that’s for sure.

34. most embarrassing moment

i have a lot of them. one time i tried to talk to a guy i had a crush on. i talked to him the same way i wrote fanfiction at the time. (girl finds unloved outcast, girl asks him if he wants to be friends, ultimately they become inseparable and fall in love and live happily ever after). he was weirded out. i persisted for a few days. i IMed him after stalking his myspace. he called me a slut and told me to never talk to him after complimenting his haircut (which i couldnt have known unless i saw him IRL as he posted no photos and i still hadnt told him who i was). it made the rest of the year awkward. i was 14. don’t do that, kids.

35. favourite subject

i like sciencey stuff in general. but if i want easy a’s i got for english.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

1. become the best damn nurse in the ‘verse and help ~all the babies and kids 2. have a large happy family 3. be financially stable and healthy enough to take said large happy family on vacations and such

37. favourite actor/actress

38. favourite comedian(s)

(there’s more but they’re the only ones I have gifs of)

39. favourite sport(s)

I quite like tennis, actually.

40. favourite memory

Eh, I don’t really know - to be honest. IDK if it’s because I don’t have one or because depression makes me think I don’t have one or if it’s because I often look back at past times that were fun and wish ‘why can’t I go back, I miss it’ rather than ‘That was great, what a good time’ like I assume most people are supposed to.

41. relationship status

single as fuck. yes, i am bitter about it. and very lonely.

42. favourite book(s)

Living Hell - Catherine Jinks the Across the Universe series by Beth Revis Rapture - John Shirley (prequel to BioShock) The Stand - Stephen King 11/22/63 - Stephen King Under the Dome - Stephen King The Islander - Cynthia Rylant

43. favourite song ever

Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. I like the way it sounds. It calms me down.

44. age you get mistaken for

i have no idea, but i do know no one bothers to ID me for alcohol anymore.

45. how you found out about your idol

I’m going to bang my head against a wall.

46. what my last text message says

my mom: “we’ll go next week then” me: “OK”

47. turn ons

48. turn offs

not being treated with mutual respect (ie a dude expecting he’s entitled to things or who thinks he should get more than he gives out). one of those guys who considers relationships to be the “ball-and-chain” trope. like don’t bother then.

49. where i want to be right now

with Joe. I am over this questionaire. D:

50. favourite picture of your idol

STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY IDOL. HERE’S A GIF OF JOE AS CASSIDY.

51. starsign

virgo

52. something i’m talented at

i have no talent.

53. 5 things that make me happy

and also good food.

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

my financial situation (are we a nation of states? whats the state of our nation?! i’m passed patiently waiting, i’m passionately smashing every expectation. every actions an act of creation. i’m laughing in the face of casualty and sorrow, for the first time im thinking past tomorrow - and i am not throwing away my shot!) also literally everything because Anxiety™.

55. tumblr friends

Marisa and Heather and Flounder, you don’t count because I knew you since The Womb (Middle School is the womb apparently) and Kenny if we’re going by people I talk to frequently and also got on FB and the like. But if you wanna be friends just drop me a line. 

56. favourite food(s)

Chicken fingers with fries (and honey mustard and ketchup) is my go-to meal whenever I am out. I also like pizza from my fav. pizzeria (I mean or any but mine’s the best). Mozzarella sticks, penne vodka, ham and cheese subs/ham, salami, cappicolla, provolone subs (italian subs). French toast (homemade tho), waffles (eggo only), pancakes, grilled cheese, cream of broccoli soup but NOT cheddar broccoli, baked ziti (with ricotta or you did it wrong), mac and cheese, Guinness steak and mushroom pies, toasted pb&j sammiches, fluffenutter sammiches, english muffin pizzas are good in a pinch, chicken goo, cheeseburgers (only from mcdonalds tho so...) and once a year i have a hotdog. OH no - I love auntie annes pretzel dogs and i get those often so disregard my previous statement.

57. favourite animal(s)

turtle, axolotl, sharkies are cool, puppies (but not the scary ones that barked at me on my walk) and kittens and i really like reptiles.

58. description of my best friend

(photos apparently swimsuit edition and look at those fucking hideous life jackets that we had to wear per contract until out of sight from camp personell. DIDN’T STOP ME FROM SPLITTING MY FOOT OPEN AND NEEDING STITCHES NOW DID IT). Also Flounder’s swimsuit was cooler than mine. And yes I am short.

59. why i joined tumblr

Kiera had a tumblr and I wanted to be cool, too, so I made one and forced her to follow me and I followed her and she doesn’t use this site anymore because she decided red.dit and ifu.nny were better uses of her time but i cant escape, i dont want to.