#Hello? Anybody there? I got my college degree! Hey

[ashenvein-gate]

I've devoted laborious thought these past few months to the way 90s and early 2000s autism "support" still causes problems for me, and I must assume many other autistic people, as adults. I was overwhelmingly conditioned to make myself agreeable to neurotypicals.

In return, I received promises.

I was, for all practical intents and purposes, told that as long as I tried to repress my autistic traits and avoid being a nuisance, as long as I waited politely to be noticed and invited closer, neurotypical society would ensure I was taken care of. Not empowered, but at least supported.

Which was, of course, complete nonsense and never happened.

I missed out on many, many, MANY opportunities for connection and growth in college because I was so, well... brainwashed. Meanwhile, in the decade since, there's been this... incredibly cruel pivot.

"Oh, autistic people! They're so quirky and weird and passionate! We love these little creatures!"

I've seen that narrative a lot.

But there's been no accountability for the devastating infantilization many of us were forced to endure, nor any resources invested in making up for its effects. So here I am, devoting all the energy I can spare each day after weathering transphobia, seismic shifts in the creative industry and online landscape, and all the other messes of this Earthly life, to individually overcoming the harmful conditioning I was systemically subjected to.

The culture's shifted from dehumanizing us to just... assuming we're empowered now. I'm glad there's more openness to seeing us as complete people, but it doesn't fill the void where I should've had a future. I never built it because I was taught to wait 'til "normal" people did it for me. But hey, I've seen at least one Youtube video crop up recently by a person who (according to the title and thumbnail, at any rate, I didn't watch it) says they really want an autistic girlfriend! Huzzah for inclusivity!

(This is sarcasm)

I've said all I would say for now.

[westiec]

June 17: Chengxian 💜🖤💕

childhood friends to lovers/QPPs, ace Jiang Cheng, bi & aro Wei Wuxian, modern AU

(A/N: If you're wondering about a certain other someone, he will have a wonderful, full life of his own in Suzhou in this AU but is not in this story. 💙 There are some brief mentions of offscreen ace-antagonism, not by anyone we know.)

Read on ao3

Jiang Cheng had been Wei Ying's best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

Okay. Well, not quite his entire life, but certainly since Wei Ying’s parents moved to California when he was little little, which was about as far back as Wei Ying could remember anyway. Wei Ying’s baba and Jiang Cheng’s baba had grown up in Wuhan together and been best friends when they were kids, so naturally, when Wei Ying’s family moved into the same neighborhood as the Jiangs, it made perfect sense for Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng to become best friends too.

It was Jiang Cheng who had taught Wei Ying that he didn't have to be afraid of dogs, by introducing him to Princess, Jasmine, and Lil' Love. Lil' Love lived up to her name, coming and quietly sitting in all her fluffy glory on Wei Ying’s lap every time he went over to play.

It was also Jiang Cheng who Wei Ying got drunk with for the first time. They snuck booze from the cabinet where Wei Ying’s parents kept it and laughed at the faces each other made with every shot until they stopped tasting the harsh burn, and then laughing more just because.

(Wei Ying’s mom had not laughed, not at the time, when the two teens had been sick as anything the next morning, but instead made them a gloriously greasy late breakfast and gave them lots of advice about proper hydration.

Then she told Jiang Cheng’s mom and let her scold them.)

It was Jiang Cheng who came out first, their first semester in college, when he told Wei Ying he didn't think he wanted to have sex with anyone, ever, and asked if Wei Ying thought that meant no one would ever want to date him. Wei Ying hugged him tight and told him he didn't know about everyone out there, but he knew Jiang Cheng was the best guy in the world and would be an awesome boyfriend, and he'd fight anyone who said differently.

Jiang Cheng found a group on campus for third culture LBGT kids, and Wei Ying went with him, as a supportive ally.

Which was how Wei Ying figured out that he was not just a supportive ally.

In listening to the others talk about orientation and identity and attraction and cultural expectations, Wei Ying realized that what he'd always assumed was normal—finding all kinds of people physically attractive, regardless of their gender—was actually his bisexuality. So that was kind of cool.

"So yeah, now we can be queer together!" Wei Ying said, when he excitedly shared his newfound realization with Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng snorted. "Yeah, 'all' and 'nothing,'" he joked.

It was Jiang Cheng who'd helped him practice what to say to his parents when he wanted to change his major at the end of sophomore year, and Jiang Cheng who reminded him to eat and sleep and "take a fucking break, Wei Ying," those next couple semesters when he took way too many hours so he wouldn't have to rack up a whole extra year's worth of student loans to finish his new degree plan.

It was Jiang Cheng who graduated first, on a gorgeous blue-skyed sunny day in May, and Jiang Cheng who suggested Wei Ying keep living with him at his new apartment, so he wouldn't have to try to find a one-semester lease until he finished in December.

(They renewed the lease together every time.)

Jiang Cheng ribbed him playfully each time Wei Ying met someone new, but he was always there each times things fizzled out after a few months for reasons that never quite made sense to Wei Ying.

Jiang Cheng occasionally dated too, and Wei Ying was glad he never did have to fight anybody—though he did drive Jiang Cheng to the emergency room the time he came home with split knuckles from punching a guy who, "seemed to think I didn't know my own mind about certain things."

But dating sucked for everybody, right? It wasn't like Wei Ying or Jiang Cheng were in any hurry to settle down and do the whole spouse and kids thing or whatever. Wei Ying tried to imagine it and just... couldn't, though the image of Jiang Cheng with a baby was admittedly pretty cute.

~

It was not Jiang Cheng, but Jiang Yanli, a few months after she proposed to her girlfriend and they started planning their wedding, who Wei Ying finally asked, "Yanli-jie, how does a person decide someone else is their person?"

Jiang Yanli looked across the room to where Jiang Cheng was showing her soon-to-be-wife how to put side spin on a billiards ball and smiled. "I think you just know," she said. "You meet someone and you get to know them, spend time together, then one day you realize you love them and want to build the rest of your life with them."

Wei Ying wrinkled his nose. "I dunno if it works that way for me. Just some random person? I've never met anyone I can imagine wanting to live with all the time. Well, besides—huh..." he cut off suddenly and darted a look over at Jiang Yanli, who just calmly sipped her drink.

"Have you ever told him that?" she asked, after a moment where Wei Ying reassessed his entire life and dating history. "I think he might appreciate hearing it."

"I... huh. Yanli-jie, you're kinda blowing my mind here," he complained.

"I gathered," she said wryly, before fixing him with a smile that made all the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "Of course, I trust," she told him, "that I do not need to explain to you of all people how very dearly I hold my didi's happiness and well-being."

He swallowed and raised three fingers in the salute he'd used ever since the summer that—hah—he and Jiang Cheng had decided as kids that they would make their own oath of brotherhood like the heroes of their favorite show. "I, Wei Ying, swear to you that I would kick my own ass before I did anything to hurt him."

Jiang Yanli leaned over to knock her shoulder against his and nodded. "That's what I thought."

~

Turned out, dating Jiang Cheng didn't suck at all.

It felt easy in a way Wei Ying’s past dates never had, less like trying to keep up with a game whose rules everybody knew except him, more like... well, like spending time with his best friend in the whole world, but on purpose. There was also a tension in the back of Wei Ying’s mind that seemed to have lifted, though he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that had gone.

It was Jiang Cheng who helped him figure it out.

"I think it's that now I'm able to count on this. On us," he said, when Wei Ying brought it up. "Before, whenever you went out with someone new, I wondered if this would be the time you'd find someone to fall in love with and leave me behind."

"Aww, Chengcheng! I would never!"

Jiang Cheng huffed and rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were pink. "Well, I know that now," he said, a pleased little smile breaking through his attempts at a scowl.

"As long as you're sure—" Wei Ying began, still getting used to thinking about himself with the word "aromantic." Still a so very sure that Jiang Cheng deserved to be fallen in love with.

"Hey!" Jiang Cheng cut him off. "None of that. I know you. And I know you don't see it this way, but I personally think it's pretty damn romantic that you choose to love me, on purpose."

"I simply have exquisite taste in life partners," Wei Ying sniffed, embarassed the way he always got when Jiang Cheng declared something he'd done "romantic."

"You do," Jiang Cheng agreed. "Someone told me a long time ago I was the best guy in the world and would make an awesome boyfriend, and that he would fight anyone who said differently."

Wei Ying laughed. "That's you and your sister I've promised to kick my own ass if I ever break your heart, then. Guess I'll just have to keep you forever."

"Damn right, you will," Jiang Cheng agreed, grinning smug and happy and breathtakingly beautiful. Wei Ying leaned across the couch to give him a sweet, closed-mouth kiss—the kind Jiang Cheng had shyly admitted he actually did like, a lot—and smiled too, at how lucky he'd gotten to be with his best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

🖤💜

Today's (extremely long!) thread was inspired by this WONDERFUL art of ace Jiang Cheng and bi & aro Wei Ying! Go give Midori some love on Twitter!

I spent a nonzero amount of time googling to double check when various terms and flags came into vogue, so if you're wondering, WWX & JC were in college in the early 2000s, before the ace and aro flags were designed. By the time they get themselves figured out, they can get their cute wristbands.

...which, yes, means these dingdongs spent about a solid decade living together before realizing that was what they wanted to do forever. 😉

This also means Jiang Yanli and her unnamed wife here are getting married between when California started recognizing same-sex marriages in 2008 and the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling in 2015! THIS SHIT'S RECENT!!!

Happy Pride, thank you for reading, check out more LGBTQIA+ sweetness on my #PrideMonthSnippets Masterpost!

[nypmphetsbastard]

PARADIS ISLAND

Genre: slowburn fanfiction, college!au

Pairing: yelena x fem!reader

Summary: college becomes a whirlpool of new people and emotions once you meet a woman by the name of yelena manages to weasel her way into your once perfect life and tear down everything you ever thought to be true. From religious views to friendship, she builds something new. Now, she introduces you to new world she likes to call Paradis Island.

Warnings: angst, smut, hurt/comfort, struggles with Religion, homophobic comments/people

A/N: this story is posted on ao3 {NYMPHETSBASTARD} as well as wattpad {SUGACODED} because wattpad is acting a fool and I need another place to save this story👍

————

Leaving home was always a rough time for both parent and child. Anybody who grew up in a loving home tended to stick to that home like glue, not wanting to separate from it and instead choosing to go to schools and jobs closer to home, closer to family. Those without however, preferred their freedom. When the clock struck 12 and everybody went to sleep was the only time they'd have to themselves, the only time they'd ever have to feel safe and relaxed — leaving home wasn't as hard on them.

You...well you were a different story. You didn't like a lot of things, being grabbed, having things snatched out of your hands, people taking your food without permission, somebody talking to you when you're clearly trying to avoid them — the list could go on. But growing up leaving you home never seemed to cross your mind. For whatever reason you felt like things were fine at home, not perfect but not terrible either, nine year old you didn't stop to think that one day you'd have to make the decision to move away from your friends and family. The small town you were in had a lot of older people, ones that never separated from their high school popularity phase and believed that the world revolved around them and them only, the others were newly young adults seeking any way out. You hoped you'd be the ladder.

Your parents had never spoken to you about leaving the house, meaning you grew up only learning what was taught in school. World War One and two, Pearl Harbor, slavery, and other shitty thing America did and or went through throughout the course of centuries on end — all only ever learned or discussed in school. The main focus in your household was religion and religion only. It's what you grew up to be right, nothing else existed in your mind besides that.

There was nothing wrong with that. Well...until around the time high school hit. Senior year was the year stressed to you since you were a freshman, you could barley fathom the fact that you'd have to apply for colleges, work on a bunch of different essays and possibly move away when you were young and you could still barley understand it now. But it was only then, then when they had handed you that slip of paper of which colleges you were going to apply to did you realize something; you didn't want to end up in a boring old relationship with a guy from your sophomore geometry class, get married, have a couple of kids that would send you to a nursing home and never live the life you dreamed of having.

You wanted that Disney channel teenage life, teenage adventures that would give you enough memories to last a lifetime and successfully say you lived your life to the fullest. While your teenage years had been spent in a church every weekday, your nose in school books and your bedtime forever stuck at the time 8:30, you swore your adulthood would be different.

Everything would be different.

"Are you sure you're not missing anything, hun?" Your mother asked nervously watching you pack the trunk up with your suitcase and extra bags. You yawned into your hand due to the more than early hours you guys were beginning the trip in order to make it early to your destination.

"You made a list mom, I don't think there's anything I could miss." She smiled your small joke and got in the passenger seat of the car, "You know, you guys really don't have to come. It's nearly a 4 and half hour drive over there, not including the drive back." You mentioned

"We already told you we're going to stop by my mother in laws and stay for a while." Your father explained, you sighed and got into the backseat of the car.

You brought your favorite stuffy and laid your head on it against the window as you prepared yourself for the 4 hour drive from your old childhood home to a new place where new memories could be made. It felt almost nostalgic watching your entire childhood fly by from behind a window. The blue slide you loved going up and down on till you felt like throwing up. The metal pole that always terrified you trying to go down. The monkey bars you taught yourself to climb because of the lack of friends you had that could teach you. It all seemed to disappear behind flashes of trees and road as the car drifted further and further away from the place you called home.

"Morning sunshine! We're here!" Your father exclaimed, waking you out of your slumber. You groaned quietly and rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, taking a moment to look out the window at the large building in front of you. Gawking at the size, you shook your head and stepped out of the car to get a closer look.

"This is much smaller than the one I went to." Mentioned your father, squinting up at the building and helping you pull your suitcase out of the trunk.

"That's because you went to community college, honey." You chuckled at your moms observation and rolled your suitcase up to the sidewalk.

"Well I'll see you guys—" you started until your words were cut off by your mother slapping her hands down on your shoulders and giving you a firm look.

"I better not come visit you in a few months and see you with a purple Mohawk, piercings and a girlfriend, you hear me?" You nodded at her dramatic remarks and felt yourself internally cringe at her words.

"Hopefully we come back to you with a kind little boyfriend and a college degree we can show off to the rest of the family." Your father said, wrapping his arm around his wife's shoulders and gave you a tight lipped smile.

"Call us when you get settled and show us your roommate."

"And if they're anything we told you to not look like or if they smoke, drink or are sexually active in public, please change roommates."

They listed off, you internally rolled your eyes but still managed to give them a nod.

"Okay, I get it. Bye." You waved them off and stayed on the sidewalk till their old beat up grey car pulled away from the university.

Sighing, you rolled your shoulders back, grabbed all your things and walked the 10 minutes all the way to your side of the dorms. Personally, you had no clue who your roommate was besides their name but you knew even if you got a wild one you wouldn't change rooms. It didn't matter to you wether or not your roommate had purple hair, while your parents and nearly everyone in life tended to stick their nose in the business of others, you had no care in the world about anybody else.

From the moment you stepped into your new room, your nostrils were immediately being wrapped in by the smell of vanilla and incense. You looked around the room and noticed that only half of it was done up while the other was plain and void of any decoration.

"Hello, who are you?" A soft voice asked politely and there in front of you stood one of the prettiest girls you'd ever seen. She was a short young woman with long, disheveled shoulder-length black hair, a Greek nose and relaxed dark eyes.

"Oh sorry! I'm your new roommate, you're Pieck Finger, right?" You greeted her, shaking her surprisingly soft hands and placing your bags down on the floor next to you.

"Sorry about the smell, I'm lighting some incense to cleanse the new room. I just got here last night."

"Mhm, are you religious?" You asked, pointing to the black leather notebook in her hand. She looked down at it but smiled and shook her head.

"Ah no, I'm Agnostic. Although my childhood friend practices Hinduism and I guess I pick up on some things." She explained, you nodded at her words and made a mental note to ask her what the hell agnostic meant at a later time. Her eyes went down to the bags in your hand and reached out to grab your suitcase.

"Here I got this, I'll put this on your side of the bed and let me know if I can help with setting anything up." She offered kindly, you nodded at her offer and the two of you immediately got to work.

As you folded your clothes into a drawer and hung them up in a closet and Pieck finished wrapping your bed in it's covers and blankets, the two of you talked. Talked as if you'd been friends since birth. Pieck felt like someone you could truly se yourself being friends with in the long run of college, she was also someone your parents would most likely accept and allow you to stay with. The two of you bonded over certain interests, Pieck had a knack for writing — poems, full books, it didn't matter; you were the artistic one. Always doodling on something or recreating famous art paintings in your room, usually religious paintings as your parents always told you that if you were going to have painting as a hobby you might as well paint something useful.

"Finally, we're done." You sighed, exhaustedly throwing yourself onto the newly made bed. Pieck chuckled and stood up, grabbing her belongings and putting them into a small book bag.

"Hey, me and my friends are meeting in the library later, would you like to come?" She asked, you mulled over the idea for a quick second and nodded your head.

The walk from your dorm and the library gave you and Pieck even more time to get to know each other. She explained how most people from her old high school had come to the nearest college, it being this one which is why she never worried about not making any friends. Your eyes nearly popped out of your eye socket as you stepped up to the large library building, it being much bigger than any library your town had to offer. Pieck held the door open for you as you stepped in and took a moment to admire the large area.

"Psst, Pieck!" Whispered a voice, you looked over to see a brown haired woman in big round glasses waving the two of you over with a wide grin on her face. Pieck waved back and walked over the round table with the two other people sitting and you following behind her.

"Hey guys, this is my new roommate. This is—"

"Hange Zoë, nice to meet you!" The glasses wearing woman exclaimed excitedly taking your hand in her and shaking it vigorously. A nearby librarian glared her way and hushed her, she smiled and apologized to the old woman.

"I'm Porco." Replied the blonde boy on the other side of the table dryly.

You waved at him awkwardly and sat down next to Pieck, yet it was only after they began pulling out their books did you realize you had nothing with you. Tapping the dark haired girl on the shoulder, you motioned towards the bookshelf's and stood up to leave once Pieck nodded her head.

You walked around aimlessly with no true destination or book in mind till you came across a bookshelf, this one different than the others and tucked away in a little corner. It was old and basic but it still had integrity. The wood was straight and it hugged the wall. On closer inspection you could see scratches, the wood a little more pale where it had been dinged. You touched the roughness, not minding one bit and looked at the books inside. The fiction section had always been your favorite growing up, your parents believed books like Harry Potter were some sort of books that demonic and plaguing words hidden within them so you only ever grew up reading them in short amounts of time in the library before they could find you.

A small gasp made its way up your throat as your eyes landed across a book titled Alice in Wonderland, one of your top favorites. The ladder that usually came along with each bookshelf was currently being occupied yet this specific bookshelf seemed to take up nearly the entire wall of the library — this might've been one of the first things you couldn't successfully grab with ease. You reached your hand up to grab the book, your fingertips only slightly touching them before the book suddenly disappeared from your grasp and a warm presence creeped up behind you, towering over your frame.

Looking up, your eyes met a pair deep dark eyes staring down at you, the book now forgotten in your mind as it was now clouded with the face of the person in front of you. It was only after a couple seconds that you blinked out of your trance and stepped back, falling straight between the bookshelf and the person. You felt...intimidated. The person in front of you was more than taller than you, a height you thought was nearly impossible. They tilted their head to the side, bent down a bit and held the book out in their hand as your eyes stayed trained on theirs.

"Do you want it?" They asked, you nearly jumped in your skin at the sound of their somewhat deep voice.

"Huh?"

"The book." You looked down and finally registered the fact that they'd picked up the book you were grabbing at and now held it out to  you.

"O-oh right, thank you." You stuttered, mentally cursing yourself for acting this way. While your eyes strayed away from theirs, they went downward to the person's appearance.

They wore a dark green turtleneck sweater paired with high waisted black pants, accentuating their long legs and black lace up Oxford shoes — their entire appearance intimidated you. The center of their nose pierced through with silver piece of jewelry.

"I..." you regretted opening your mouth the second the words came out, "gotta go," the words spilled out of your mouth as you immediately walked around them and towards your table, the interaction still replaying in your head on loop. It wasn't until you rapidly sat yourself down next to Pieck that you felt like you could breath.

You weren't the most social person in the world but you also weren't the most nervous, but they...their presence, their height, the look in their eyes, it all seemed to send you into frenzy. Ignoring the slightly worried look you got from Pieck, you open the notebook given to you and tried to let the interaction seep away into your memories. Yet it didn't work. Every word on the paper seemed to fly over your head, your mind never sticking to the sentences given to you. Hell, you could barley read about Alice's shitty life without comparing it to what had just occurred. It was all too fresh. Too new. Too...interesting.

"Mornin' Pieck." Greeted a deep voice from behind you, turning around you were faced with a tall blonde haired man with small circle glasses resting on his nose.

"Good mornin, Zeke." Pieck responded kindly, the man looked around the table greeting everyone till his eyes met yours.

"I don't think I've met you before, and who must you be?" He bowed down respectfully and held out his hand, you looked at it confused for a second before sliding your hand into his and watching as he leaned his head down to plant a kiss at the back of your hand.

Before you could protest, a different hand gripped Zeke's shoulder, he pulled away and turned around to find his female companion standing above him with a blank expression on her face — one he'd gotten used to over the course of their friendship. Meanwhile your breath was caught in your throat at the sight of the intimidating person you'd met only moments before.

"Your book, Zeke." They said plainly, Zeke pulled away from you and took the textbook of their hands, thanking them and skimming through the textbook as both of your eyes never left theirs.

"Good morning, Yelena." Pieck greeted her with a smile, finally, Yelena's eyes drifted away from yours and were now on Pieck, the sides of her lips quirking up into a smirk for a second.

"Good morning, Pieck." Your eyes went back and forth between them in confusion until another person popped up behind Zeke.

"Hey guys, hey hange, Pieck." The dark haired man bun wearing boy said, leaning his arm against Zeke's shoulder despite them being the same height.

"Guess I'm just invisible then" spoke up Porco with an offended look on his face, the dark haired boy simply looked at him and blinked.

"Oh no I knew you were there, I just don't care. Anyways, are you guys coming to my big party tonight?" He asked excitedly, Zeke scoffed and pushed his glasses further up his face.

"Tch, we're not children, Eren. Why would we go to some teenage party?" Eren scoffed at the blonde mans response.

"Yeah obviously not you, old man, you're fucking ancient. I was talking to Pieck and..." he looked at you with a confused expression before shrugging and pointing at you, "and her."

"I'm not even that old—"

"Sorry, Eren but you already know my answer." She apologized, Eren pouted and groaned.

"Oh come on, please, Pieck? The last time you went everybody loved you, please?" He begged Pieck, placing his hands on her arm that was leaned against the wooden chair she sat at.

"Aw sorry, kid. I love them all too but I gotta tutoring session today." She apologized sympathetically, patting the boys head and turning to you, "what about you?"

You jumped at the sudden spotlight on you but shook your head regardless, "If Pieck's not going then neither am I." Eren groaned again and tried puppy dog eyes on the long haired woman in front of him.

"Look Pieck, you're deriving your new friend here with the experience of a fun college party." She smiled at his explanation which apparently told Eren enough that he stopped bugging her and stood up to his full height, slamming his shoulder into Zeke's as he walked away and mumbled something under his breath. Zeke almost turned around to go after him until Yelena outstretched her arm to stop him.

"He's a child." She pointed out

"He's a little shit, is what he is." Zeke complained, you looked over at Hange for information.

"They're brothers." She stated, your mouth made an o shape as you finally came to understand why the two seemed to have so much beef between them.

"Half brothers, Hange. Don't associate me with that brat." Zeke huffed, everyone chuckling at the mans clear discomfort with him and Eren being in the same room let alone sentence. "Anyways, we've gotta go, me and Yelena have business to take care of." Zeke said.

"Jeez, you make it sound like the two of you are hooking up." Porco mentioned with a disgusted look on his face,

"What if we are?" He joked playfully until he looked up to see Yelena towering over him with a straight look on her face, Zeke cleared his throat and shook his head, "Kidding, kidding."

The two of them walked out of the library and the three other people at your table continued on their reading while your mind was racked with a bunch of questions of the new characters you just met. You tried to avoid eye contact with Yelena when she was leaving but could still feel her piercing gaze stay onto you until she couldn't anymore.

"So are they?" You inquired with a whisper, leaning over Pieck's shoulder

"Are they what?"

"Zeke and Yelena. Are they..." you raised your eyebrows as the words clicked in Pieck's mind and the other two at the table began laughing into their books.

"No, sweetie, they're not sleeping together or dating." She denied

"Pfft, the day we see Yelena with a man is the day pigs fly." Chuckled Porco, you looked at them confused at their jokes.

"Yelena's a lesbian, babe." Pieck finished your thought and your eyes slightly widened at her response, not expecting it. Embarrassment silently creeped into your mind as you groaned and tucked your head into your arms.

"Well now I feel stupid." The three of them laughed and Pieck rubbed your back.

For some reason, those words felt like a small weight lifted off your shoulders. You couldn't understand why you felt so...happy that she wasn't with Zeke in that way. Maybe you just wanted to her friend. Yeah....that had to be it....her friend.

[rudypankwow]

can we be friends? | jj maybank

not my gif! (posted by @rudypankows​)

inspired by (can we be friends?) by conan gray, in which you fall in love with your best friend

requested: nooo i should do those though

warnings: swearing?

word count: 1.6k

masterlist

a/n: this kinda became a 4+1 kinda think but like it’s fine. it’s still cute and i like it. i might do a part two but i’m not sure?

could you be my best friend? let's hang out every weekend go driving every night stare at people that we like

jj didn’t have a car, but you did.

“hey, wanna go for a ride?” you said to him over the phone. code for “my parents are yelling and i need to get out of the house.”

“of course, i do,” he says. you can hear the smile in his voice.

“okay, meet me in ten minutes.”

you’d lived in the house next door your entire life. when you were little, you used to hide in the bushes between your houses, ignoring the calls from mean parents for hours. you were there when his mom left, when his dad got bad, when john b disappeared. and he was there for all your shit.

you’re pretty sure you’ve been in love with him since you were eight, but you’d never tell him that.

you walk out your front door ten minutes later, and jj is already leaning against the car door. let’s get one thing straight, your car was shit, but it was a car. it had wheels and an engine and that was all that really mattered.

“hey, buddy,” jj says, reaching out his closed fist for you to bump with your own. it was tradition.

“sup, pal,” you say back, walking around to the driver’s side of the car door and sliding in, jj doing the same.

you never really had a destination. sometimes you guys would stop at a drive thru and get snacks or something to drink. sometimes you’d just drive around the island until the early hours of the morning. you took turns playing music, and, if you were feeling up to it, you’d occasionally let jj drive. (he was known to be a bad driver.)

you’d belt out whatever song was on the radio, and he’d grab your hand to use it as a fake microphone.

you laugh. “ugh, i don’t want to go home,” you said, glancing at the clock. two am.

“who says we have to?” jj says. “let’s stay out all night.” he laughs.

you protest, but he wins. he always wins. you’re wrapped around his finger in the best kind of way. you drive to the beach and sit there for a while, smoking and laughing and dipping your feet into the cold water. jj convinces you to let him drive after that.

you guys stay out until the wreck opens up, stopping in to grab coffees and say hi to kie. she laughs as you tell her stories from the night, the music, the beach, the cold water. and then you go home.

he calls you later that night. “wanna go for a drive?”

could you be my best friend? i'll tell you all my secrets i'll tell you all the times that i wish that i could die

even now, you sometimes hid in the bushes between your houses. you were too big to really fit now, but you guys somehow managed to squeeze, usually laying on your backs on either side of the stump.

“i just don’t understand,” you say. “how am i supposed to get off this island if we don’t even have the money to pay for the college applications? and my parents don’t care anyway.” you sigh. “i just really don’t want to get stuck here, jj.”

“i know, bud,” he says, pinching your knee, the same way he always does. “but you’re the smartest person i know,” he tells you, “even smarter than pope, but don’t tell him i said that.” you laugh. “you’re gonna figure it out.”

“i don’t know that i am,” you say. “we don’t even have hot water right now.”

the difference between jj’s dad and your parents was that yours meant well. they tried their hardest. but your dad couldn’t hold down a job and your mom didn’t have a high school diploma. you sometimes felt bad complaining, knowing what jj endures from his dad, but he always reassured you that he didn’t mind listening.

he sighs. “i have no idea how college works,” he says. “but there’s gotta be someone that does, there’s gotta be a way you can apply.”

“i don’t-”

“no,” he stops you. “you’re gonna go to college. you’re gonna get a degree. and you’re gonna move far away from here. and you’re gonna have a better life than you have now.” you nod. “and you’re gonna come back and visit me.”

it was a sore subject. you wanted to get off the island, but jj didn’t. even more so, he was convinced he couldn’t.

“no,” you say, and he looks back at you, confused, “i’m taking you with me, pal.” 

he laughs and you punch his arm. “we’ll see about that one.”

and if anybody fucks with you they fuck with me so, if anybody fucks with you i'll knock their teeth out

it was early october, you had dragged jj with you to meet pope and kie at the wreck to do some homework. you knew he wouldn’t do work, but you’d hoped if everyone around him was, he’d be somewhat inclined.

it didn’t work.

regardless, you were all sitting at a table doing work. there was a group of kook boys sitting a few tables over. none of them really stood out to you. you’d definitely seen them around, but not enough to know any of their names. they seemed relatively harmless, so you weren’t paying attention to them.

“why is he walking over here?” jj said, his eyes zeroing in on the boy making his way over to your table.

maybe you’d assumed wrong, because he was right, one of them was walking directly toward you guys. he pulled up a chair from the table next to yours, and sits directly next to you, way too close for comfort.

“hey, babe,” he says to you.

you visibly cringe. “um, hello?” you say back. “is there something i can help you with?” you move your chair away from his, closer to jj’s.

“oh there’s plenty you can help me with,” he says.

you hear jj mutter, “what the fuck?” under his breath, and you shoot him a look, stay out of it.

“okay, well, i’m kind of in the middle of something,” you say, “so maybe you can,” you pause, pretending to think, “leave me alone? and while you’re at it, never talk to me again.”

“excuse me?” he says, getting up from his chair. “who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” he takes a step toward you.

“okay, we’re done here,” jj says from behind you, standing up. “why don’t you head back to your little friends?” he’s in his face now. you try to grab at jj’s arm and pull him back, not wanting any trouble, but he pulls away from your grasp.

“hey, you two,” kie’s dad yells from behind the counter. “go back to your tables or get out,” he says.

“next time, you’re dead,” jj says, pointing his finger at the other boy’s chest. he sulks back to his table, motioning to his friends, and they all get up and leave.

jj sits back down in his chair. “i had it under control,” you say to him.

“sure you did, bud,” he says, smiling and patting your shoulder. “but now he really knows not to mess with you.”

you roll your eyes, choosing not to bicker today, and go back to your work.

could you be my best friend? can we be friends?

and you realize you’d been in love with him since you were a little girl, since he pinched your knee as you guys hid in the bushes between your houses, hiding from scary loud parents, that you didn’t understand but didn’t want to. you’d been in love with you since he punched the boy who sat behind you in second grade for flicking your ear, since the first time he let you wear his hoodie when he was cold and the first time he slipped you a $20 to get gas for your car.

but he was your best friend, and you were torn between wanting more and not wanting to ruin what you had.

you had been acting weird. you knew it, jj knew it, kie knew it, pope knew it, people walking by on the street knew it.

“car ride, now,” jj says over the phone, you regret answering. you grunt, slipping on your shoes and grabbing your keys. he’s waiting by the door.

“hey, bud,” he says, extending his fist as always.

you tap your fist with his. “hi, pal.” you’re trying to act as normal as possible, and you’re convinced it’s not working.

you drive for a few minutes, finding comfort in the familiar songs on the radio and the sound of jj’s singing. it feels right.

“hey, pull over for a second,” jj says. you do. he reaches over and turns down the radio. “so,” he turns in his seat so that he’s facing you, “what’s going on with you lately?”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” you try to deflect, swallowing a lump in your throat.

“no, no,” he says, shaking his head. “(y/n), you’ve been my best friend since we were four. i know something’s wrong, i just don’t know why you don’t want to tell me.”

“you really wanna know?” he nods. “i love you,” you say, under your breath, looking down at your lap.

“okay, i love you too,” he says, clearly confused.

“no, jj,” shake your head, rubbing your face. you look up at him, your heart is pounding. “like, i’m in love with you.”

he pauses. “are you serious?” you nod. without saying another word, he grabs your face pulling you over the center console to connect his lips with yours. you melt into him, all the tension in your body disappearing. you exhale into him. he pulls away and tucks a piece of hair behind your ear. “i’ve wanted to do that since we were twelve.”

“hmm,” you hum, “you definitely should have.”

[jalapeno-princess]

Clandestine Meetings and Stolen Stares

Physics Professor Mark Tuan X Reader

Word Count: 9.9K (Damn it felt longer haha)

Genre: Angst, smut

Warnings: Rated 18+, unprotected sex, breast play, (nothing too explicit), cheating

Summary: It was your junior year in college and you couldn’t wait for it to be over with. You wanted nothing more than to graduate and get out of the hell hole that is college. All you really cared about was your education, your job, your friends and your family. However, that all changes the minute your eyes land on your indescribably handsome physics professor and what you thought was just a unreciprocated crush on the older man, turned in to more; so much more. (Sorry guys I don’t want to go too deep in the summary and give away the entire story so I’ll keep it at that)

A/N: Hey guys! Look at me claiming I won’t have time to write stories and throwing another one out there like nothing. This is apart of the song requests imagines and I do have quite a few of them so I will try get them out as soon as possible (I don’t want them to be too short or rushed so please be patient me and thank you again for your requests!) This was requested by one of my favorite followers @yup-indecisive-girl-cece​ thank you for all your love and support with my page and my stories! I hope you enjoy! (I wrote this in a few hours so there might be a few errors but eh whatever hahaha) Based on the song “Ilicit Affairs”. Honestly the album is a bop and I listened to it while writing this I actually plan on writing a few stories in the future about some of the songs off the album once I finish the requests. Happy reading!

“Y/n—earth to y/n. Hey! Is everything okay?” 

If you could describe the current state of your mind, a mess wasn’t even half of what was going on up there. There were many different thoughts going on in your head; unfortunately they were all negative. You wouldn’t have even known you were tearing up if your best friend Yugyeom didn’t wave his hand in front of your face to break you out of your trance. 

“Huh? Oh—yeah. I’m fine. It’s just—I’m just tired I guess. Finals are coming up and I’ve been pulling all-nighters almost every night so I’m pretty exhausted. But don’t worry about me. I’m okay.” 

As much as you hated lying to the older boy, especially because he told you about every single thing that went on in his life, there was no way you could tell him the real reason why you were so distracted; why you were on the verge of breaking down in tears. He would never understand nor did you think he would want to continue your friendship if he were to know exactly what was clouding your thoughts. 

Thankfully he didn’t continue to press for more questions and turned his focus back to the chocolate shake you purchased for him half an hour ago. If you were going to tell anyone what was causing you so much distress, you’d be in so much trouble and so would he. Feeling your phone vibrate against your lap made your breathe hitch because you knew exactly who it was. 

The only two people who have been reaching out to you these days other than your parents to see how college overseas was going, was the outspoken yet gentle and child-like boy sitting in front of you and your physics professor Mark Tuan. He was the reason why you’ve been so uptight; so tense these last few days and unlike most of your classmates, you weren’t even nervous about any of your finals because most of your worries were caused by him. 

When you signed up for Physics 345 with Professor Mark Tuan, you didn’t think anything of it. Since it was your junior year in college, all you were focused on was passing junior year with flying colors and concentrating on your last two semesters in college, working on your senior thesis and graduating on time. What you weren’t expecting, was getting in to an affair with said professor that would go on for longer than expected. 

Everything going on in your life up until the point of meeting Mark for the first time was going pretty well. You and your friends were enjoying what was left of being college students; going clubbing on the weekends, having some drinks at the bar when school was getting rough, attending parties thrown by some of the most popular students in school and just hanging out at each other’s places when you all had free time. 

You had a part time job at the library which you were extremely grateful for; you hardly had to do anything, it was always pretty quiet and you got to work on your assignments most of the time so it was a win-win situation. Although you missed your family every now and then, you had quite a bit on your plate to really feel homesick. Little did you know, that word would have a different meaning to it a few months later. Walking in to the auditorium, you weren’t surprised to see that you didn’t know anybody in your class. 

Your campus was huge and from what you knew, none of your friends had any plans on failing a class so they all laughed in your face when you recommended it to them. If only you took Youngjae’s advice and signed up for Religion 315 like he did, you wouldn’t be in the mess you were in right now. But then again, you wouldn’t have met the man who changed your outlook on both life and love completely. You wouldn’t have met the man who now owned your stupid, stupid heart. 

Since you were notorious for making it to class earlier than most students in order to get a good seat, you decided to play a few games on your phone before scrolling through social media. After getting bored on twitter, you pulled out one of your notebooks and started to prepare your notes when you heard heels clicking against the tiled floor. 

You were never a believer in love at first sight. It was so cliche. How could someone be in love with someone just by looking at them and not knowing anything about them? There was no way and yet, when you took a look at your new science professor, you could physically feel your soul leaving your body. He was handsome, there was no doubt about it. In fact, that was an understatement. 

He was gorgeous. You didn’t think young science professors existed let alone one that looked like he came straight out of vogue magazine. All your science teachers from high school had white hair, glasses and wore suspenders. This guy was wearing a red flannel over a plain black v-neck, torn skinny jeans and vans. There was no way he was your professor; but as soon as he placed his briefcase down on the desk and looked around the classroom with a stupidly handsome grin on his face, you knew you were fucked. 

“Hello class, I’m Mark Tuan your physics professor. Please call me Mark. I’m fine with professor, but no Mr.Tuan. It makes me feel old. A little bit about me, this is my second year teaching physics. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in physics, went on and got my master’s in teaching and graduated with my doctorate two years ago now here I am. I’m one of those weirdos who love science, I love learning more and more about science each and every day. I’m thirty-one years old, I’ve been married for three amazing years and I have a one-year-old daughter named Ella. We also have a dog named Milo. In my free time, I like to play video games and watch the office. Well, that’s it about me. There’s about forty-five of you in here, so it would probably take the entire class if you guys were to introduce yourselves individually so instead I’ll have you get in to groups and you guys can just  talk amongst your peers.”

It was as if everything he said went through one ear and out the other. All you could pay attention to was his pretty pink lips and how soft they looked. You could also feel your heart flutter at the way he smiled when talking about his passion for science. However, hearing that he had a wife and a daughter brought a weird feeling to your chest but what did it matter? He was your science professor and this was only the first day you met him. You told yourself it was just his good looks that you were attracted to, but deep down you knew there was something else that got you thinking about him a little more than you should. 

As your classmates went around in a circle talking about what major they were studying, why they signed up for physics and what they want to learn in the class, your eyes began to wander around the room in search of your professor and you hated that you didn’t know why. You’ve seen and even been with a decent amount of good looking guys. Your ex-boyfriend was actually considered to be one of the best looking guys in your university, so you had a hard time understanding why you couldn’t take your eyes off of Mark. As soon as you found him, you felt as if your heart was about to jump from out of your chest when you realized he was already looking at you. 

You were sure if you were to look in a mirror, your face would be red from embarrassment. Was he watching you this entire time? Did he know you were practically ogling at him this entire time when you were supposed to be paying attention to your classmates? To both your delight and dismay, he sent you a flirtatious wink before making his way to your group. You felt like you were about to be sick. Feeling him stand behind you while placing his hands on the chair sent chills down your spine. 

Why was he so close? And why did you want him closer? When he was talking to other groups, he stood a few inches away from them but right now he was in your personal space and you couldn’t help the thought of wanting him even closer. 

“How are we doing here?” Your classmates hummed in content before they started going around and telling him their answers. “Okay, what about you? What’s your name, major, why you took this class and what you want to learn in this class.” 

He pulled his hands away from your chair and walked towards the other side of the room to give you eye contact and offer you his full attention. You didn’t know what was worse; him standing directly behind you giving off his intimidating aura, or him looking at you while you were for sure about to make a fool out of yourself. To prevent yourself from looking like an idiot even more than you probably already did, you brought your attention to your notebook and pretended as if you were reading off from your notes. 

“My name is y/n, I’m an English and communications double major with a minor in Spanish language. I—uh—I’m—shit I’m sorry what were the rest of the questions again?” 

He looked at you in curiosity before letting out a soft giggle. This man was thirty-one years old, how was he capable of such an adorable, high pitched laugh? And how could you butcher that entire thing? You only needed to answer three questions with two of them relating to one another. You were sure you made your attraction even more obvious if he couldn’t already tell by the way you were practically drooling over him. 

“What made you sign up for this class and what do you want to learn?” 

You softly bit your lip out of frustration and took in a deep breath before responding. Once class was over, you were going straight to the bar and getting drunk. This was only day one, you had five months with Mark as your professor and you fucked it up in less than half an hour. He was probably going to go home and laugh at your little breakdown. 

Although you had a feeling you weren’t the first to get flustered over him. If he’s been teaching for over two years, he had to have a few students that developed a crush on him. Surely you weren’t the only one. But that’s what it was and all it ever was going to be, a silly little crush. It was normal; Mark was handsome, he seemed very intelligent, very passionate about his field and was very energetic. He also seemed very child like and with the way he laughed at something you didn’t think was funny, you knew he was still a child at heart. 

“I enjoy science, I think it’s one of those intimidating subjects that people are afraid to take because they’re afraid of failing. I will admit I’m not the best in science and I’m sure I’ll probably be shit at physics, but I love learning and I’ll do my best in this class. Or at least try to. I want to learn more about motion, movement and the relative entities of energy and force.” 

The soft smile he gave you went straight to your chest; there was no way you’d be able to survive the rest of the semester if he were to continue looking at you like that. His wife was one lucky woman. What world war did she fight in her past life to land him as a husband? 

“I like that answer y/n. I look forward to working with you this semester. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot about force and energy in this class and if you don’t end up doing too well, I listed my office hours on the syllabus. Feel free to stop by if and when you need help—and I mean this to all of you. Don’t be shy to ask me for help, I would rather spend a few grueling hours teaching you about Newton’s law than to have you fail my class entirely. Okay, for the remainder of class, I’ll be going over the syllabus and luckily the school provides the required textbook so you can all save an extra $200. I expect you all to use that wisely.” 

There was a feeling in your gut telling you he meant more than what he was saying about his office hours, but then again you felt stupid for even thinking that. He was married for three years and he had a daughter. He was also ten years your senior and you didn’t think you were all that special for someone like Mark to look at you in that way. 

He was your science professor and that’s all he was ever going to be to you. You knew exactly what you were going to do with that extra $200 once you were finished with school. Once class was over, you hastily packed away your things before making a beeline towards the door. Right as you were about to walk out, you heard Mark softly whisper your name. 

“Have a nice rest of your day y/n, see you Thursday!” 

Yeah, you were definitely getting plastered tonight. You didn’t even get to take five steps out of the classroom when you felt an arm roughly thrown around your shoulder. 

“There‘s my favorite science nerd. How was the first day of hell huh? Only two semesters left.” You let out a hysterical chuckle; as much as you hated school and couldn’t wait to graduate, you weren’t quite ready to enter the real world just yet. However, feeling the effect that Mark had on you knowing that it was only the first day toyed with your mind a little bit. You kept telling yourself over and over that he was just being nice, but you didn’t hear him saying anything else to any of the other students. 

Was he just picking on you specifically because of your little breakdown in his class? Your chances of passing physics with a grade higher than a C were already  pretty slim, what more now that you had a Greek God as your professor? You were doomed. The first couple of weeks went by better than you had expected. Sure, there was some material that you had a hard time learning but you refused to schedule office hours with Mark. Being in a class with him surrounded by thirty other students was already extremely overwhelming, you didn’t even want to know what were to happen if you were alone with him. You’d probably have to drop off the face of the earth from embarrassing yourself tremendously. 

A month later, you found yourself between a rock and a hard place. Physics only became more and more tough as the days went by and you cursed Mark for giving you so many difficult assignments. It’s as if he was taunting you. You did what you could first before you even thought about signing up to meet with him. Going to see Mark during his office hours was your last resort. First you reached out to a couple of your classmates; asking for them to explain the material to you but nothing worked. 

They were all very kind in trying to help you, but you still couldn’t memorize nor understand the seven branches of physics. Then you went along with BamBam’s suggestion to go get tutored but just like your classmates, the tutor couldn’t even help you which is why you found yourself emailing Mark to schedule an appointment with him. His response made your eyes roll, but it also sent warmth to your heart and you hated yourself for not being able to learn it on your own from the few sources you had around you. On one of your days off, you made your way up to Mark’s office and gently knocked on the door; patiently waiting until he welcomed you in. 

“Come inside.” 

You hesitantly walked in and sat down on one of the chairs he had facing adjacent toward his desk. You began to look around the room and smiled to yourself at how much his office matched him as a person. It was simple, yet the few trinkets and bobble heads he had on the shelf made the room a little more lively. 

“Took you a while to meet with me. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your grades for a while now, so I’m glad you actually came in for help. Your test scores aren’t looking too good y/n.” 

You released a long sigh; disappointed with the news but not surprised. Why did you think you were capable of such a complicated subject? Even some of the smartest students on your campus had a hard time with physics and you wouldn’t consider yourself dumb, but then again you weren’t the brightest bulb in the bunch. 

“I know. I’m sorry, I should’ve came earlier. I just—I didn’t want to bother you. I tried asking for help from tutors and other students in the class but nothing worked, so here I am.” 

He gazed at you with an unidentifiable look on his face and it made you nervous. You didn’t know exactly what it could have meant and the curiosity was eating away at you. 

“You know y/n, I commend you on taking this class. I know you took it as an elective and I’m sorry it’s probably not what you expected it to be. I’ve been told I can go a little hard on students sometimes, but I’ve been trying to make the work a little more easier than it was last semester. I couldn’t help but take notice though, you do amazing when it comes to the homework. You ace the lessons like nothing, it’s just the quizzes and the exams you’re not doing too great with and it’s probably because you take it in class, with me in the room.” 

Your eyes widened at his last few words but he gave you no time to ask what was on your tongue as he got up from his chair and sat directly in front of you on his table. 

“Am I a distraction y/n? Don’t think I haven’t observed the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking. It’s actually cute by the way—sexier when you bite your lip though. I guess this is the time to admit that I do the exact same thing, although I’m more discreet about it than you are. I love knowing the effect I have on you; if only you knew the effect you have on me princess.” 

Were you dreaming? You had to be, there was no way this was actually going on right now. There was no way Mark confronted you about drooling over him in class only to tell you that he’s been doing the exact same thing. What was going on? Was he messing with you? He had to be. Mark Tuan couldn’t have feelings for you—he had a family. And you—you were just a junior in college. His student to be exact; he had to be pulling your leg. 

Yet the way he was looking at you, so seductively with a charismatic glint in his eye sent warmth to your core. The way he was looking at you as if he was a lion and you were his prey, ready to pounce on you did wonders to your body. You couldn’t describe the way Mark made you feel. The way he made you want to do better, the way you wanted to impress him and be someone he admired. The way you wanted to be the reason behind his contagious laughter and breathtaking smile. 

There weren’t enough words to describe what Mark made you feel and when you felt his fingers grip your chin and tilt it upwards so that the two of you made eye contact, you were putty in his hands. As wrong is this all was, you couldn’t find it in yourself to stop. 

“What are you doing to me y/n? I have a family whom I love dearly, but I can’t stop thinking about you. You’ve been on my mind every single day since the first day of school. I don’t know what is about you—well it’s obvious that you’re beautiful. Extremely beautiful y/n. But I’ve seen hundreds of beautiful women in my thirty-one years of living and I’ve never batted an eye at any of them. You were so flustered, so adorably clumsy on the first day but it was the eagerness, the enthusiasm you had in wanting to learn even if you may not be the best in science. You remind me a lot like myself when I was your age. You’re one of the most hard working and extremely intelligent students that I know. I—fuck. I’m aware that a few of my students have crushes on me in the last two years and I found it cute but that was it. They didn’t make me question the love I have for my wife and the status of my marriage the way you do. I really shouldn’t be saying things like this before knowing how you feel but I can’t help it. I like you y/n. I really like you and I know it’s wrong for so many reasons and please don’t feel like you have to reciprocate these feelings, please just don’t say anything.” 

Your mouth was dry and didn’t know how to respond to his entire confession. It was still taking you a while to process the entire thing. Not once in your life would you have ever pictured yourself in a situation like this. No, things like this only happened in movies. To both of your surprises, you found yourself smashing your mouth against his, silencing any doubts that he had about your feelings for him. His lips were soft and gentle against yours, but the grip he now had on your hips was rough and intoxicating. It was hard to believe that for the last month, you’ve been dreaming about how his pretty lips would feel against yours not knowing that here you would be a year later, lying flat on your back on top of his desk while he left multiple kisses along your neck and chest. 

“I—like you too—a lot—and if this is wrong—well fuck Mark I don’t want to be right.” 

It was true; you knew having an affair with your professor was taboo and you knew what you were doing was terribly wrong, but you were just going to have to deal with the consequences later. Now, you were going to show the beautiful man in front of you just how crazy he’s been driving you over the last month. He smiled against the inside of your thigh and made his way up to your soaking entrance, blowing some hot air against your core before flicking at your clit with his tongue. 

“Well, I’ll be your dirty little secret and you’ll be mine. Oh and by the way y/n, consider this a one on one lesson about energy, force, movement and motion. I’m going to drain you of all your energy, force my cock in to this pretty little pussy of yours, have you bounce on my dick like the professional cowgirl I’m sure you are and then I’ll bury myself balls deep inside of you while hitting it from the back. How does that sound?” 

The wanton moan that fell from your lips at the sound of his naughty words made the coil that was already building in your stomach tighten. The two of you spent the rest of the day exploring and learning each other’s bodies. You didn’t think that it was possible to explore the many different positions that the two of you dabbled in while being in such an enclosed space but you weren’t complaining. You knew that you wouldn’t be able to come in here again without reminiscing on the way Mark had your breasts pressed up against the window while he roughly drilled himself in to you doggy style.

Once the two of you both came down from your highs, he took a couple of tissues from his desk and wiped you down. He placed a soft kiss on your forehead before he went searching for your clothes that he greedily ripped off of you and flew across the room in a haste to finally get inside of you. His breathless moans and grunts, murmured curses, kinky and naughty words and the multiple compliments that fell from his lips while you were loving up on each other were now etched in to the back of your mind. As you watched him pull up his jeans, you felt a pang of hurt hit your chest. 

What have you done? You just slept with your professor; a married man, it didn’t matter if he had feelings for you and that you reciprocated them, you shouldn’t have let your selfish desires and carnal urges take over. For all you knew, his poor wife who had no clue what just happened with you and her husband was sitting at home waiting for him to finish work, probably playing with their daughter and the image made you feel pathetic. You just allowed yourself to fool around with a little girl’s father. You could be the reason she grows up in a broken home because her mother found out about her father’s brief lapse of judgement. 

However, you didn’t feel as much as remorse as you did your feelings for Mark and if he was okay with having an affair with you, than who were you to disagree? Over the next six months, you and Mark snuck around to fool around with one another. If he wasn’t blowing your back out in his office, he was taking you up against the fridge in your apartment or having you ride him in the backseat of your car. After your first time together, he set some ground rules. You weren’t able to text him unless he texted you first in fear of his wife seeing your messages; which turned in to emails instead because it was easier to tell you of how much he missed having his face in between your pretty titties and how much he loves the feeling of you clenching around him. 

You also weren’t allow to mark him in any way which was a given, but that didn’t stop him from leaving a couple of love bites and hickeys around your body making it known that your bed was spoken for. He also didn’t want your affair to get in the way of your job or your studies, therefore he refused to meet up with you no matter how much he wanted to until you finished your work. You didn’t know how the two of you have been keeping this a secret for so long. You were no longer a student of his, but that didn’t stop you from attending his office hours. 

Unfortunately, you made the mistake of falling in love with him less than three months in to your secret little rendezvous but it was hard not to. Sure, most of your relationship was spent making love with one another, but there were times that you got to see the real Mark. There were days where you actually went to see him for some help on your assignments and he would always be so patient and understanding with you. He would also reward you with kisses every time you got an answer right and it made you want to try even harder. Sometimes when he would come over to your place, the two of you wouldn’t even have sex. 

You’d either cuddle and watch a movie together or bake something you saw on the food network. He was also pretty invested in the Xbox that you had and sometimes you’d find yourselves battling each other in halo or call of duty. It was in those moments, the moments where he asked you how your day was, where he held you in his arms for hours and comforted you when you found out your grandfather passed away, where he would buy you your favorite coffee drink and purchased things for you that reminded him of you. It was a mistake. How could you fall in love with someone who was on paper; unavailable?

Mark made you feel things that no one has ever felt before. He showed you things so beautiful that you could only see with him and he made you feel as if you were the most beautiful thing on this earth. When you were with him, you felt like everything was perfect. He made you extremely happy and you knew he felt the same way about you. But when you’d leave his office, or once he’d leave your apartment, you felt empty. 

There was a hole in your chest that he would leave every single time he’d have to go and return home; back to his family. To his wife, who wasn’t you. It would always cloud your mind; how could he continue to go home to her as if nothing was wrong. As if having an affair with one of your students and going back home to your wife was one of the most natural things to do? You didn’t mean to be so selfish and only think about your pain and your suffering, but you’d put yourself in her shoes every now and then. If it were you and you found out your husband were cheating on you, you’d be devastated. 

Over the weekend, you and Yugyeom were at the grocery store preparing for a movie night with a couple of friends to take your mind off of finals. The two of you were arguing on what type of chips to get when your eyes landed on a cute little baby sitting in the cart. She looked so familiar and you couldn’t exactly pinpoint where you have seen her before. It wasn’t until her mother turned the cart around that you knew she was Mark’s wife and that was her daughter. He had a picture of the three of them on his desk in the beginning of the semester and you couldn’t get over how pretty she was. 

She had long, silky hair, a petite frame and a gorgeous smile. The way she was looking at Mark in that photo was the same way you looked at him every day; with so much love and admiration. However, as your relationship continued, you were quick to notice that he took the photo from off of his desk and sometimes he even goes without his ring. It always made you curious as to why he did that, but you never had the courage to ask him. Seeing the two of them in person awoke something inside of you. 

Even if it was just a couple of seconds of seeing them, it felt as if a bucket of cold water was thrown on you and reality just slapped you in the face. For some reason, seeing them made you feel like you were about to throw up. You didn’t understand why you felt so bothered; you had no problem sneaking around with her husband for the last six months. But knowing she existed and actually seeing her were two different things. It made it all the more real that Mark was being unfaithful and that you were a home wrecker, slowly tearing their family apart. 

Only then did it occur to you that Mark wasn’t with them and you knew he was still probably sleeping because you tired him out in the back of your car the night before. You couldn’t allow this affair to continue; it was extremely stupid of you for letting it get this far and you were sure if you didn’t see the two of them that you would only get deeper and deeper in to a mess that you didn’t know how to get out of. That night, you found yourself at your previous fuck buddy Jinyoung’s house. You knew it was a big mistake, but you needed to know that there were other men out there who could please you. 

Other men that would find you attractive and love your body the way that Mark claimed to. Other men that would be able to take your mind off of the only man you’ve ever loved. You needed to know that you could move on from Mark; that he wasn’t the only man out there but as Jinyoung thrusted himself in to you and left wet, sloppy kisses in the crook of your neck, you knew that nobody could take Mark’s place. Nobody would ever be able to set fire to your bones and send your entire body in flames. Nobody could ever be nor replace Mark, and that’s what you were most afraid of. 

You weren’t surprised to see that Mark’s been trying to reach out to you for days. Ever since the day at the grocery store, you’ve been avoiding him. He’s sent you multiple emails over the weekend and thought that you were too busy with finals to get back to him so he understood. But when you didn’t meet up with him at his office that Monday and Tuesday, he knew something was up. You knew he was growing impatient and he must’ve known something was wrong. Mark never called you unless it was an emergency and even then, he would stick with emails and text messages. When you saw the two missed calls, you decided to finally give in and asked him if everything was okay. 

Come to my office in fifteen. We need to talk. 

You took in a deep breath and ignored the look of confusion on Yugyeom’s face before standing up and gathering your things. “One of my classmates are asking to meet up right now to study for the exam on Friday. If you’re not busy later, maybe we could go watch a movie or something. I’m sorry for leaving so sudden, but actually do some studying while I’m gone please? You have all the time after finals to focus on chocolate shakes Yugyeom. However, you won’t be able to afford to buy them anymore if you don’t graduate from college and get a decent paying job. I’ll see you later.” 

You slowly made your way out of the coffee shop to prevent yourself from looking suspicious, but once you left you quickly began making your way back to campus. Thankfully the coffee shop was only a couple of minutes away and it gave you enough to calm down your racing heart. You thought about what you were going to do the entire weekend. As painful and gut wrenching the idea of no longer having Mark in your life was, you just couldn’t keep doing this anymore. Sure, it was mainly because you hated being the cause of a broken home, but it was also because you could no longer be the other woman knowing you harbored feelings for him. 

She was his wife and you would forever be the whore that he only reached out to for sex. The closer you were to his building, the more you could feel the nerves building up all throughout your body. Surely he had to know you were staying away from him and not just focusing on your education in the moment. Even on the days where you were busy, you’d still contact him but you haven’t talked to him once the entire weekend. As soon as you made your way outside of his office, you took in a deep breath and gave yourself a couple of seconds to prepare your entire confrontative speech. 

To your dismay, as soon as you knocked on the door, it’s as if he was waiting right there; waiting for you to arrive because you couldn’t even finish knocking before he opened it. 

“Hi—“ the glare he gave you sent chills down your spine. He’s never looked so upset with you before. Was he really bothered with your silence? Why would he be though? You were just his play thing; you didn’t think not hearing from you would bother him in any way. He allowed you to walk in and closed the door; locking it just to be safe. There were a couple times where the two of you almost got caught because he forgot to do so. Luckily people always knocked before trying to open the door. 

You felt him before you saw him; he wrapped his arms around your lower waist and placed his chin on your shoulder. Many red flags were going off at the feeling of his embrace but you couldn’t pull away; this man took away your sanity. You put him before yourself so many times. You were afraid of the backlash that would come if you were to make it known that something was on your mind. 

This is your last time together y/n, make it worth the while. 

Feeling him leave soft kisses against your neck made you shiver. You began to think back to a few days ago when Jinyoung had you writhing underneath him. With Jinyoung, it felt so rushed and at the end, you felt so disgusted; so used. He didn’t even bring you to your orgasm. With Mark, your release was his number one priority. He wasn’t going to stop fucking you until you came and that’s what you were going to miss. Someone who genuinely seemed to care about you and your well being. Someone who made it his responsibility to make sure you were taken cared of. You were going to miss Mark, but you miss the person you were before stumbling in to bed with him. You were a young woman with morals; one who would frown upon cheaters, mistresses, adulterers. 

Time and time again, you told yourself you could never do that to someone but Mark Tuan broke down your walls entirely and got you to go against everything you ever believed in. Not anymore. Only for today, you were going to allow yourself to give in to him; to allow him to ravish in your body one more time. But once you were done, you were going to leave both his office and his life completely. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” 

His voice sounded melancholic; as if he was sad that you’ve been doing so and it made you feel even worse. Why did you feel like you were the one ruining everything? When two people have an affair, the two are at fault. It takes two people to cheat, so why do you feel as if this is all your fault? Especially because he was the one to initiate it all? Why did you allow him to take so much from you? So much of your time, love, patience, spirit? Only for him to reciprocate it in sex? Why did you allow this man, this stupidly beautiful man, to own your heart knowing there was no way you could ever own his? 

“I’ve been busy with finals—“

“Bullshit y/n. Now tell me the truth. Why have you been avoiding me huh? Ignoring all my attempts in contacting you—did I say or do something to hurt you?” 

Yes, you broke my fucking heart. You fucked my body and fucked over my mind. You touched me, filled me up entirely and left me empty every single fucking time only to go home to a woman who isn’t me. Who will never be me and I refuse to let you have the power to hurt me anymore. 

“No. You didn’t do anything I’m just—I’m the problem. Don’t worry about me okay?” 

He released a frustrated sigh before turning you around in order to get a better look at you. He cupped both of your cheeks in his hands and gazed down softly at you. His gaze pulled on your heartstrings and now you were worried that there was no way you’d be able to leave now. Mark had that effect on you. He could make the entire world go away and your attention would be solely directed on him. 

“How can I not worry about you? You’re all I ever worry about—all I ever think about. I’ve missed you so much y/n. You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong okay? Just let me take care of you.” 

He missed you? No, he didn’t miss you, he missed the sex. He missed your body. He missed the way you did whatever he asked of you. There was no way in hell that he missed you, he didn’t know what he was saying. It was his dick talking for him; you knew how easily turned on he’d get from past experiences. You knew his words were a lie, so why were you now torn on what you should do once this was over? 

He brought his lips down to yours in what started off in an extremely passionate yet gentle kiss. However, it didn’t take long for the kiss to get heated. He gripped at the back of your thighs and wrapped your legs around his hips and roughly shoved you up against the wall. His lips were rough and hot against yours, nipping, sucking and tugging on your bottom lip while playfully squeezing your ass in the process. Your hands absentmindedly made their way in to his hair; it was a habit you had every time you both would make out. 

The soft grunts against your mouth made it aware that he enjoyed your little ministration, and you continued as the kiss only got deeper. Kissing Mark was what you thought you were going to miss the most; he told you on a few occasions how much he loved the feeling of your lips against his and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t trace your lips once he was gone just to reminisce on your love making session. 

“Need to—fuck you—now—right now.” 

You pulled away from his mouth and began leaving wet kisses along his jaw as he carried the two of you over to his desk. He laid you down gently on the table and brushed away some of your hair before stealing one more kiss. 

“You’re so beautiful y/n. Breathtaking.” 

He placed another kiss on your lips; more delicate and feather like this time. You didn’t know which of his kisses you preferred but with the way this one made your heart flutter, his gentler kiss was your new favorite. Countless men that had crushes on you, all of your exes and some one night stands would always tell you of how beautiful they thought you were, but nothing compared to hearing Mark tell you how beautiful you were. 

Although you never thought too much of yourself, Mark never failed to make you feel like a goddess verbally and physically. He brought his hands inside of your shirt and squeezed both your breasts, causing a soft moan to fall from your lips. 

“You like that? I know how much you love when I suck on these big titties of yours. Let daddy get inside of you and then I’ll show them some love.” Your shirt was thrown across the room with your shorts pulled off right after. 

“Fuck—I will never get enough of this view.” 

Watching him bite his lip while looking at you caused you to cross your legs in order to get any sort of friction against your throbbing core. How could someone who talked about such boring topics such as the earth’s mantle and the crevice of the moon be capable of such a naughty mouth? Just like you, he was now in just his underwear and you found yourself admiring his body in all it’s glory. Who knew a physics professor would be hiding such an impressive six pack under all his flannels and band tees? 

“Wanna see just how much I’ve missed you?” 

He didn’t give you a chance to respond before he took off his underwear and you swore you could come just by the sight of his thick and extremely hardened cock. The tip was red and you had a feeling it had to be painful. 

“I’m hard as a fucking rock y/n. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time baby, but I’m gonna need your help in fixing this problem. You made daddy think you were ignoring him; now daddy’s gonna teach you a lesson.” 

He lined himself at your entrance and ran his cock along your soaking folds to lubricate himself before entering you. His hands made their way up to your chest and he shoved his palms inside of your bra, cupping and squeezing your mounds the same time he pushed himself inside of you. The two of you moan in unison; no matter how many times you’d make love, the stretch always drove the two of you insane. 

“Fuck—so tight—so wet—so, so good. Please—shit shit—tell me when I can move baby please—“ 

Another reason why you loved having sex with Mark was because he always put you first, every single time. He never failed to ask you how you were doing, if he could move, if he was hurting you, if the two of you could experiment in different positions. Although the two of you were commuting such a sinful act, he was always quite the gentlemen and it never failed to bring a smile on your face but they never lasted long. 

The second you nodded in agreement, he began roughly shoving his cock in and out of your cunt. His dick stretched out your tight walls deliciously. Each and every time he bottomed out, you let out a pleasurable sigh; his balls hit the back of your ass with every single thrust and you could feel his cock kiss your cervix whenever he’d return back in to your warm walls. He followed up his promise and continued fondling with your breasts and completely yanking your bra off so that it wasn’t in the way of him massaging your mounds. He flicked at your nipple and pinched the other before bringing your breast inside of his mouth completely. 

“M—Mark—mmm, fuck—your mouth—feels so good and your cock—f—fuck.” He giggled softly as he brought one of your nipples in between his teeth and nibbled softly. 

“What about my cock y/n? Tell me—my dirty little slut. Tell me how it feels? You love the feeling of my balls on your ass yeah? Love the way daddy’s long, thick cock feels going in and out of your slick walls, don’t you y/n? Because I do. Fuck—did you just get tighter—don’t do that y/n, you know what that does to me.” 

If only he knew the real meaning behind his words. If it were anyone else calling you their dirty little slut, you wouldn’t have thought twice about it but since it was Mark and technically yes, you were a dirty little slut, it made your stomach hurt. It wasn’t like you’d clench around him on purpose. It was just so much for you to take. The sound of skin on skin clapping and both your quiet moans filled the entire room making the atmosphere extremely sensual and erotic. He pulled away from your breasts and intertwined both your hands together while placing it on both sides of your head. 

His thrusts only got harder and faster as the minutes went by and you were sure with the pace he was going that you’d both reach your ends here pretty soon. Though most people considered missionary as the most boring sex position, it had to be one of your favorites. You loved watching Mark’s facial expressions as he drilled himself in and out of you. You loved watching the way his eyes would roll to the back of his head as the tip of his cock would graze your clit. You loved seeing his cocky smile every time he’d force you to beg for him to make you come. 

But something in the way he was looking at you right now was different. He never looked at you like this before and you couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but he looked both fucked out yet soft with a hint of what you assumed was worry or curiosity. A small smile rose upon his face and he leaned down to steal a kiss from your lips. 

“You mean a lot to me y/n. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Fuck, baby please tell me you’re close, please. You always get me to cum so soon. Your pussy is just that good. Ah—shit—“ 

Feeling his warm, creamy liquid fill up your walls got you to release not too long afterwards and you sent him a soft, cheeky grin even though you knew the hell that was coming. He gave you a few minutes to come down from your high and put his clothes back on before cleaning you up and helping you put on your shirt. The pleasurable soreness between your thighs made your cheeks warm and you were sure your legs were probably jelly at the rate he pounded you in, but you wanted your last time together to be memorable. 

After Mark, you don’t think you’d want to be involved with anyone else for a while. Not when you experienced what you thought was the love of a lifetime. Once you were both finished making yourselves look more presentable, he ran his hands through your hair and pecked your nose. Since you knew of your next actions, you pulled his mouth down to yours and left a long, sloppy kiss on his lips. God, you were going to miss him. 

“Hey, y/n, are you okay? I didn’t hurt you too much did I?” 

You didn’t even realize a tear fell from your face until he wiped it up with his cheek. This felt like deja vu, Yugyeom did the same thing for you less than two hours ago but for the same reason. You knew he meant it as if he wanted to make sure he didn’t fuck you too hard, but you were in fact in pain. 

You did hurt me, but not in the ways that you think you did. 

“Should we take this back to your place now? I miss eating that pretty pussy of yours. Then we can order some take out tonight or something. I told my wife I wouldn’t be home until late because I knew there was a chance I’d be seeing you today, so we have a good amount of time together—“

The laugh of hysterics that came from the back of your mouth confused him. You couldn’t believe how he was acting so nonchalantly. He told his wife he was going to be late because he planned on sleeping around with another woman. How could he not feel wrong about that? 

“Mark—let’s stop this.” He looked at you as if you grew another head. 

“What are you taking about y/n? Stop what? I don’t understand where this is coming from. Baby—“

“Don’t call me baby! Are you forgetting that you have one? You’re married Mark! You have a wife and a daughter waiting for you at home while you’re out here kissing another woman. Spending time with another woman—fucking another woman! Giving yourself to another woman! Do you know how hard it’s been for me these last few months pretending like nothing was wrong? Fucking you and letting you fuck me knowing that you had a family waiting for your return? Do you know how many times I’ve cried over this situation? How many times I felt disgusted with myself because of this? You’re right Mark, I am a dirty little slut. I’m a whore—a mistress—A FUCKING HOMEWRECKER and I can’t let this go on anymore. I’m sorry.” 

He let out a scoff, but you could see in his eyes that he was now feeling remorse. Whether it was towards you or to his family, you will never know but it didn’t matter anymore. Your mind was made up and there was no way you and Mark could bounce back from this. Especially because your heart was at stake and you were now wearing it on your sleeve. 

“We’ve been fooling around for months y/n and it never seemed to bother you that I have a family. If it did, you would’ve never let it happen but you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. Still want you. Fuck—I meant what I said when I told you that there’s something different about you. You excite me y/n. You’re the only source of my happiness right now. You make me feel safe, you make me feel things not even my wife makes me feel. Please don’t give up on us—tell me what I can do to make it better. I’ll do anything.” 

Leave your wife. You hated that those three words were at the back of your tongue, but it was the selfish bitch inside of you, the one who loved Mark Tuan with every fiber of her being that didn’t care about anyone but herself that wanted him to give up his family life in order to be with her. But the realist in you knew that could never happen. There was no way he’d leave his two-year-old daughter and his wife of four years for a senior in college. He wouldn’t give up everything he’s worked so hard for to be with you. No one in their right mind would do that; especially not for sex. 

“Let me go Mark. It’s what’s best for both of us.”

“Speak for yourself y/n! I can’t lose you. Why only now? Why are you acting like this now? Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

Your throat was sore from all the yelling and your chest felt dry. Your fists were tightening out of frustration and you were sure there were tears falling from your cheeks but you were too numb to feel anything. A part of you was ready to say fuck it and take him in your arms, but you couldn’t do that. You loved yourself too much to give in to him even if it’s all you wanted to do.

“Your daughter is beautiful. She’s a splitting image of you. Has your pretty brown eyes, light, curly brown hair and such a cute little smile. And your wife is gorgeous. I saw them at the grocery store the other day and seeing them, actually seeing them in the flesh rather than just pictures felt like a punch in the face. You have such a cute little family Mark. Why would you let it all go to waste for a college student you fuck on the regular?”

“Damnit y/n! When will you get it through your head? I don’t say it but I know you know you are more than just a fuck. This is way more than just sex between us and you know it! Fuck! I love you! I’m in love with you and I have been for a while now! That’s why I can’t lose you! You’re all that I want and could ever need in my life. There were so many times I came up with excuses to be home late so I could spend more time with you. You make me feel young, like a little child. All my worries and negative thoughts go away whenever I’m with you. You’re my favorite place y/n. My safe haven. You mean the entire world to me. I’ll do anything to get you to stay. Please—I’ll go insane without you.”

“I love you too Mark. More than I plan on admitting and that’s why I have to let you go.” 

His grip on your waist was tight and he pulled you against his chest in attempts to hide the tears that were falling down his cheeks from you but to no avail. You’ve only seen Mark cry twice in the last few months that you’ve known him for. Once while the two of you watched Christopher Robin and the other when your grandfather passed away. It was weird seeing him cry then, you didn’t think your tears hand any effect on him but it made you smile knowing they did. This time was much more different. It made you know that his words were sincere; that he really did love you and that he would go crazy without you. You’d probably go crazy without him too but it was what you had to do. 

“I’ll leave her. If that’s what it’ll take to make you stay, I’ll leave my wife so we could be together—“ 

You shook your head and gave him a sad smile. As amazing the thought of being with Mark sounded and knowing he was willing to leave his family to be with you made your heart flutter, you couldn’t let him do that. You wouldn’t be able to live knowing what you did. 

“Mark, please don’t. I can’t, okay? I love you, I really do and I probably always will. I’m sure I’ll regret doing this later on in life and I’ll miss you like hell—but it’s the right thing to do. What we had was amazing, but you and I both know we could never be together in the way that we want to.” 

You placed one more kiss on the corner of his mouth and you could feel him hesitating to reach out to grab you, but you knew Mark was aware that you were right. He could fight for you all he wanted, but he couldn’t fight your heart’s decisions. 

“Goodbye Mark. Take care of yourself.”

[mitsuki-murakami]

think of me [Oikawa x Reader]

Hello, hello. I’m glad you survived the 2018 tumblr purge.

It’s been a long time since I sent in a request *cracks knuckles* Can you do #3 from the dialogue prompt for Oikawa or Kuroo (your choice) making a mistake? This gonna be gud.

#3: “How could you think that this wouldn’t hurt me?’

Requested by: @thenerdyrebel

Hellooooo!! Y’all are probably sick of me saying sorry over and over again but I really am!! I haven’t touched this request for over two years so I’ll probably make one for Kuroo as well kjhdfkjadhf I sincerely apologize and thank you so much for requesting this I appreciate you so much hehehe

Warning: A N G S T angst angST 

***

The day was going by pretty well. Most of the daylight was spent with your person, Oikawa. The two of you have been together since childhood, practically joined at the hip along with Iwaizumi. It didn’t really take long for people to start getting suspicious about the amount of time the two of you spend together on a daily basis. It got a little annoying with the constant prodding about when are you guys going to get together. Poor Iwaizumi no longer tries to explain the situation between the two of you, simply resolving to answer with a blunt “I don’t know, you ask them,” without answering any follow-up questions.

Neither of you really indulged in extravagant gimmicks that other couples did to show off. It’s not that you and he disliked it, it’s just that you both felt as if nothing needed to be announced to each other or anybody else. It was like there was a part of you and Oikawa that knew, even before either of you had the wits to form a proper sentence, that your relationship began a very long time ago, and it need not be confirmed that you loved him, he loved you, he was yours, and you were his.

Looking back at it, the closest you’ve ever been to hearing him ask if he was your boyfriend was during that one year in junior high when everyone was obsessing over whether or not they were in a relationship; if they had a boyfriend, girlfriend, or what. 

“Hey Tooru, why’s everyone talking about relationships nowadays? I can’t go through a day without someone asking me we’re in one.” You absentmindedly asked him after deleting an e-mail you received from a classmate which of course, was asking if Oikawa was your boyfriend or not.

“I don’t know either. It’s crazy, because of it Iwa-chan gets annoyed with me even before I say a word.” You chuckled. It was true, you did see him get smacked by Iwa-chan earlier on in the day. 

“We’re in one though, right?”

“Uh, duh.”

And that was pretty much it. The only kind of confirmation that either of you had. Some people would think that it was pretty sad about the fact that probably one of the most boring milestones in your relationship was also the most mundane one. But you thought it was nice how perfectly in sync the two of you were. Funny, even, because it made other people look stupid when the both of you would easily say “Yeah,” to the person who got blown off by Iwaizumi earlier and then suddenly go back to whatever you were doing just like that like it was common knowledge (It should be, you both thought so).

You could literally go on forever about how things went between the two of you, but you’d rather not. There was no time for that. The both of you were too busy with either chasing your dreams or pushing the other to chase theirs. After all, knowing exactly what you and the other wanted to be in the future was one of the defining characteristics that pulled you closer together, if that was even possible at this point.

Of course, there were downsides to that. Sometimes one of you would let being career-oriented get into your head causing you to push everyone else away, but luckily one of you was always there to slap the other silly or knock them into sense. Especially that one time he almost went ham on Kageyama? Boy, was Oikawa in it for you and Iwaizumi that day.

There was also that one time when you were determined on doing well with your academics that you forgot to take care of yourself. You weren’t eating right and your sleep hours were next to nothing. You saw these as simple sacrifices you were willing to make because everybody else could, but all Oikawa saw was you destroying yourself over something that didn’t even come close to the importance of your health. He made that very clear by watching over you for the next few days to make sure you ate and slept when you needed to.

The two of you worked well together to keep each other in check. Never has a day gone by without his presence, and it was pretty clear that as much as possible, both of you didn’t want to spend another without the other, considering everything the both of you have been through. Which is why no one could blame you for not wrapping your head around what he just said to you.

“I said, I’m thinking of accepting their offer. Look, you’ve heard of this team on the television before, right? They’re pretty strong.” He pointed at your laptop, right at the name of the university that e-mailed him a few weeks ago, offering him a full ride throughout college if he’d play on the varsity team as their setter.

“Yeah, I have.. But..” You tore your eyes away from the laptop the both of you were sharing on your laps and looked into his, confusion spreading across your face.  He was giddy, and that look would always make you so happy, but in this case, it wasn’t. His face slightly fell.

“It’s really far away, this isn’t what we were planning.” It wasn’t a question that the two of you wanted to go to college together. Sure, it was a busy place and you wouldn’t be able to spend as much time together as you could, but at least you’d see each other every day. 

“I know, I know, but look, this is a great offer! It’d give me a great chance to start up my career,” he reasoned, and he was right, it would help him advance his career early on, but what about yours? You wanted to get a Ph.D. and the school you’ve previously agreed was one of the top schools for that.

“I know this school, Tooru, and this isn’t what we agreed on. I have a small chance of getting a scholarship here, it’s a private school and many other kids are more qualified than I am.” You explained, crestfallen. You didn’t think that this was one of the things you two would disagree about, considering that you’d already discussed this before. Both of you spent all night huddled up in his bed covered in blankets looking for that one university that would fit both your needs and you did. You couldn’t comprehend why this was coming up now. 

“Yeah, but I can always get you hooked up with something! I’m pretty sure they’d make adjustments if I ask them to, they seem thrilled to have me there.” This was starting to upset you. You didn’t have time for this, finals were coming up and you didn’t want to waste precious time arguing on something you’d already agreed on.

“What’s wrong with the one we both like? It’s still a powerhouse school, it’s closer to where we live, and a lot of our friends are going there.”

“Why are you being so picky about this? College is months away, we still have loads of time to pick another one that fits us.” At this point, you didn’t even bother looking at him. You pushed the laptop off you and stood up, reaching for your study materials. 

“I have every right to be as picky as you are, Tooru.” And with that, you left your bedroom, attempting to slam the door behind you, but instead finding that Oikawa caught the door and swung it back open.

“Hey, don’t walk away from me,” his tone was almost indiscernible, unrecognizable to you with all your years of being by his side. It was emotionless almost because Oikawa knew that he’d lose it if he let even the slightest emotion flow through. 

“I’m not. I’m walking away from this conversation. I need to study.” You set down your books on the table and pulled out a chair, 

“Then don’t walk away from it, let’s talk it out.”

“This conversation was over months ago. We’ve talked about this.”

“I just-- Why is it so hard to talk to you about this?” He ran his hand through his hair, pulling out another chair and positioning it in front of you. You flipped through the pages, trying to find where you left off earlier before you got pulled into this conversation. 

Oikawa realized that you weren’t going to respond, so he snapped the book shut, and along with it your patience.

“Because we shouldn’t have to!”

“So,” he sucked in a breath, leaning back on his seat in disbelief. “Talking about our career isn’t important to you anymore?”

“We weren’t talking about our career, we were talking about yours.” You crossed your arms, finally meeting his eyes. He was livid, but he did everything he could to restrain himself from lashing out. He always did that, when it came to you. It’s not like you couldn’t take it. He knew you could. But he didn’t want to hurt you. That would never cross his mind.

So much so that sometimes he confuses his intentions for his actions.

“That’s why I’m saying that we could both study here-- of course I’m thinking about your career too.”

“No, see, I’ve already told you, this doesn’t fit me. It’s doesn’t fit the degree I’m going to pursue.” Your hand reached up to cover half of your face while you sighed. “That college was already right for us, and now you mean to tell me that I have to reapply for a scholarship, look for another place for us to live-- everything!”

“Like I said, I’m going to take care of everything,” he was getting irritated with the back and forth, and honestly, who wouldn’t? But that wasn’t the case for you. You were tired, and now you only have a little over a couple of months to plan out your whole career all over again, which you already did almost a year ago, with the previous college. “Listen,”

“I am listening!”

He clicked his tongue, “Do you really not want to give this a shot? For me, hell, even for us? Do you realize what this opportunity could bring the two of us? Don’t you want that for us?!” It was like he couldn’t hear what he was saying!

You took in a deep breath; it sounded more like a shudder to you at this point, before you mustered up the energy to look him in the eye. A few beats of silence passed with the two of you just staring at each other for answers before you replied.

“You think I would say no that easily? To you?” You huffed in anger. “I already know this college, I’ve already weighed my options, and the answer is no, Tooru. My answer is final.” He turned away from you, glancing outside the window long enough to make another think that he was just taking in the scenery, but you knew he couldn’t say the next words to your face.

“So, you don’t care if we go to different schools, now?”

“Of course I--”

“Do you know what that could do to us? Are you,” he paused to stop his voice from cracking any further.

“I know that, and that’s why we planned this over a year ago. Because you don’t get to suddenly change your mind as soon as the next shiny offer comes to sweep you off your feet.” He didn’t respond immediately, like he was expecting you to say something to soften the blow that needed to be delivered. “I’m sorry, but it’s still no.” 

His demeanor completely shifted, as if he was weakened by your indignance. Tired, exasperated, desperate, was only three of the many things you could feel from him.

“Just like that? You’re willing to give up on us just like that? How could you not be as affected as I am? How do you do that? Look, I’ve done everything to not surprise you with this. I waited until this week for us to talk about this, and this was the perfect week, the calm before the storm, I,” you thought he was done, but you were wrong. You were so wrong. 

“I did it so that you wouldn’t be shocked when I told you the news. I could’ve accepted the offer with just one call, but I didn’t do it for you. I did everything in my power to not hurt you, but no, you just don’t care, do you?”

Then the first wave of tears came. But as steady as the tears that flowed down your cheeks, you didn’t falter. How you hated the fact that you cried when you were angry.

“How could you think that this wouldn’t hurt me?” Disbelief was an understatement. Stupefaction was more fitting.

“Do you honestly think I don’t care, Tooru? Is that how I make you feel?” No response. “Because if that’s how I make you feel, then I don’t think--”

“Don’t say it.” He finally stared at you again. “Please, don’t” God, the look on his face broke you. “Let’s just.. Let’s just take a break, okay? We’ll get back to this later, does that sound good?” You nodded softly as you stared into the distance, not realizing that the tear that fell onto your knuckle was his.

It took him wrapping you in his arms to realize that he had pulled you out of the chair and back onto your bed, the dreaded laptop discarded onto the far side of the room. He moved the both of you under the covers, letting you nestle into his chest. It didn’t matter that you soaked his shirt with tears. The only thing that did was that the two of you were going to get through this together.

Or so he lied to himself.

You woke up, still in his embrace. He was sound asleep, but the tear tracks on his face didn’t help you forget that your problem was indeed, very real and unchanging.

You’d think that not needing as much confirmation as the regular couple would be amazing, but it was far from that.

Because of it, you knew that Oikawa wouldn’t change his mind about it. You’d already given him all the reasons that you could think of, and repeating all of that wouldn’t do any good to either of you. He’d still stand by the thought that what he wanted for the both of you was best.

That would be okay. At this point, you knew each other too well. Too well that you both knew that the only way for both of you to succeed was to reach for it apart. You were pulling each other down by making mediocre choices to compromise for each other.

You loved him. You really did.

So you gently removed yourself from his embrace and packed up. You kissed his forehead, careful enough not to wake him before you left to stay at your family’s house. It didn’t matter if it hurt you more than you thought it would. It mattered that you were doing the best, for the both of you. Because you wanted to see him shine, you needed to step back. 

A spotlight would be useless if everything it pointed to was already lit.

***

Thank you for reading!

Dear god this hurt more than it should have, I’m so sorry

thats literally all i can say im sosorry i love you dont hate me bye

Special thanks to @sashimeh and @capt-spangles

Taglist:

@from-sejiou-to-the-stars @zephyrria

[xxsovereignsarayaxx]

Fifty Shades of Mikaelson

Shade 1

Authors Note: So here is the first installment of a mulit chapter series, I posted a teaser chapter last year and after a lot of work and editing here is the first chapter. This will be a slow burn series but I hope you will stick with it. Word Count: 2953 Pairing: ???Mikaelson x Reader Insert (Slow Burn) Warnings: Implied sexual humor. Richmond Virginia is the home to Mikaelson Enterprises, one of the largest companies in the US to date, with countless connections across the country and the world. After receiving the company from the untimely death of their parents and younger brother Henrik the six remaining siblings all took a share and equal role within the company. 

The loss of their parents and younger brother was hard on the remaining family and became so tough on Freya and Finn that they ultimately took a step back from public eye of the company and became silent partners, this allowed Elijah, Niklaus, Kol and Rebekah to have a free rein on the company so to speak.What made Mikaelson Enterprises different to all the others was the fact that it didn’t have one sole purpose. 

The company originally thrived at investing low market sales. Rather than take the risk and invest in the higher term stock markets each sibling took to different sectors and reaped the rewards of their own doing which allowed them endeavour into other opportunities.Each sibling was different, Rebekah stuck to fashion. Her aim was that she wanted people to look great whilst not breaking the bank and so she worked with a large team of designers to manufacture a line of clothing that was stylish while being at affordable prices. Kol and Niklaus went into business together to create the bourbon of bourbons, wanting to create a new brand and enjoying the odd glass or two led them to a likely partnership. Elijah was different compared to his other siblings rather than go out into the world and create a new product he used his studies and degree and built a highly respectable law firm. And each separate business venture was all under the same roof in the tallest building in the city.

Springtime in Richmond was often cold and or wet, and as I watched from my large bedroom window the weekend hustle and bustle of those wanting to get to work on time hurried in large packs and then would disperse quickly into different buildings. I padded barefoot through my large apartment, still half asleep, yawning and stretching relying on my auto-poilet function to get me to my kitchen so I could sort myself out with a cup of coffee and some much needed breakfast. Scratching my scalp with my nails I waited for the kettle to boil when I heard my laptop ping with an email. Groaning that I had emails to read on my day off, I ignored them whilst I carried on waiting for the water to boil but then the glorious chime of the skype ringtone filled my ears and I begrudgingly went over to my desk and answered the call.

“You’ve got some explaining to do love.” Klaus said, as I clicked on accept.

“I'll take your late night business meeting went well.” I teased back wiggling my eyebrows, carrying my laptop to my kitchen island. 

“Why didn’t you tell me Caroline was the representative for the Salvatore’s?” 

“I didn’t want you to have...performance issues.” I replied with a higher tone of voice whilst also swinging my hips as my back was to the camera while I continued to fix up my daily dose of caffeine. 

“You can do better…” Klaus deadpanned sounding un-amused. 

“Is that what Caroline said, aww champ.” I said as I turned back around to the camera with a mug in hand sipping away at the hot liquid. 

“I need you in the office today.” He said changing the subject. 

“You know I don’t work Saturday’s.” I replied, leaning back against the kitchen cupboards taking another sip of coffee. 

“Kol needs a new assistant…”

“And that is my problem how?” I sassed back.

“Unless you want the extra workload? I suggest you find somebody.” Klaus said smugly as he raised his eyebrow. 

I leaned towards the camera slightly. “I mean the extra money would be nice but it doesn’t quite fit in with my schedule, but who in their right mind is going to put up with your brother? Come on how am I meant to pitch this? By the way the guy you're going to be working for is arrogant and so self absorbed not to mention he thinks he’s the hottest and smartest guy in the room.” I ranted sarcastically. 

“I’ll see you within the hour Y/N.” He said bluntly and he ended the call. 

Letting out a huff I closed the laptop lid in a swift motion and lent back on the kitchen cabinets and took my time drinking my coffee. I glanced up at the clock, I saw I had about forty five minutes to get into work, which meant an hour give or take. Putting my now quarter empty coffee cup in the sink I headed over to my bedroom and picked out some clothes to wear. Selecting a form hugging, white knee length dress with a thin black belt, I then moved into my on-suite bathroom and jumped in the shower.  

As I entered the building to my workplace I did my usual rounds of saying my good mornings and made my way to the elevator. Standing patiently I waited for the metal doors to open and it made me think back to my very first day at the offices working for Niklaus or Klaus as he liked to be called. I was fresh out of college and had my tuition debt looming over my head and as I read through the job adverts in the daily paper I saw that there was a position at the esteemed Mikaelson Enterprises, hearing that it was good money I applied for it and I had been working happily here for the past two and a half years.  

Strolling through into Klaus’ office he looked un-amused just like he was in the video call earlier.

“You're late…” He scolded.

“I told you I don’t work Saturday’s.” I sassed back. 

“Do you want to find yourself unemployed?” He threatened. 

“Oh please you couldn’t even last a day without me, I know you better than you know yourself. Tell me again who is it that sends out Christmas cards to the shareholders? Or handles organizing all of your meetings?” I replied, rolling my eyes at his lame threat. 

“Organizing meetings are a part of your job Y/N.”

“Ahhh Y/N there you are darling, here is the list of candidates you asked for.” Kol interrupted, walking into Klaus’ office interrupting mine and his bickering and the younger Mikaelson hands me a stack of files.

Taken aback by the weight of the files, I gave him a sarcastic smile. “I did?” I asked, gritting my teeth sending my boss daggers with my eyes. 

“Brother would you like to join me for a drink? The distillery has a new batch they would like us to try.” Kol asked. 

“Would love to, I’ll catch up in a few moments just have a few things to sort out here before we leave.” Klaus replies and with that Kol says his goodbyes and leaves the office. 

“Really? You're calling me into work so you can play hooky?” I questioned, gesturing with my free hand.

“Duty calls. If it makes you feel better you can work here.” Klaus says with a smile and gets up from his desk and grabs his leather jacket and heads for the door.

“Would you also schedule a meeting with Marcel?” He asked as he turned slightly facing me. 

“Sure, how does the 10th of kiss my ass sound?” I deadpanned, rolling my eyes.

“Perfect love, I’ll see you later.” 

Klaus left his office and I let out another huff, so much for spending my Saturday at home binge watching TV whilst having a face mask on and eating a tub of ice cream, hanging up my woolen coat on the coat stand I placed the files on his desk. Slumping back against the leather office chair I reached out for the phone and slotted it under my ear and shoulder as I dialed the number for Marcel’s office while I looked at the first résumé. 

“Hello Gerard Corporation, Davina speaking.” 

“Hey Davina, it's Y/N.” I replied whilst scanning down the document. 

“Hi, Y/N! What can I do for you?” Davina asked in a chirpy tone.

“Can I book Klaus in to see Marcel next week? I did say it’ll be the 10th of kiss my ass but if that doesn’t work how does the 6th?” I asked her, spinning in the chair. 

I heard a chuckle down the line. “I have no idea how you can get away with talking to your boss like that!” 

“Takes practice, don't worry though in a year or two you’ll be speaking to Marcel exactly the same way.” 

“I doubt it, but you're in luck Marcel is free on the 10th. I’ll email you a confirmation this afternoon. But why are you working today? I didn’t think you worked on a Saturday?”

“Yeah so did I. Klaus called this morning saying that Kol needs a new assistant and that unless I want the extra workload to find someone suitable.” I replied with a grumble. 

“Oh dear. Have you found anyone yet?” She asked.

“Well so far I’m on the first one but listen to this.”

“Ok.”

“I’m hardworking, loyal to a fault and will complete any task given to me to the best of my ability.” I said in a completely different accent and all I could hear from the other line was Davina laughing.

“Kol is...a difficult person anybody sweet and nice would just crumble under him.” 

“Tell me about it, well here's to hoping I can find someone in this stack who can stick it to him. I best get back to work but fancy going for a drink on Friday night?”   

“Sure thing, let me know how it goes. Speak to you later Y/N.”

“Bye D.” I said as I put the phone down and got back to looking at the applicants. 

Taking another of the résumés I left the office and headed to the break-room to fix myself another hot drink. As I was leaning over the counter waiting for the coffee maker I heard a clearing of the throat. 

“Nice to see your putting in the extra hours Y/N. Niklaus seems to have taken the hint about getting you to work one weekend a month.” Elijah says. 

Slapping the document on the counter I span around. “Do you really have to make me sound so cheap Elijah?” I teased feigning that he hurt my feelings. 

“Deepest apologies Y/N, you are looking lovely today might I add.” Elijah says.

“Why thank you, what brings you to this floor?” I asked him, fluttering my eyelashes.

“I was hoping to see Niklaus, is he available?” 

“Wasted your time I’m afraid, he’s playing hooky with your brother down at the distillery. No idea what time he will be back. But I can call you once he gets back into the office?” I suggested, picking up the cup and slid the résumé under my arm.    

“That would be rather helpful, thank you. I couldn’t help but also notice that some of my brothers' employees were looking a little frazzled. Perhaps you could aid them?” Elijah said back. 

“I’m a secretary Elijah, I’m not running a day-care when your brother goes out.” I replied pulling a face, rolling my eyes and walked past him leaving him alone. 

As I walked through the office back to Klaus’ office one of his employees called Joshua collared me. “Miss Y/N the fax machine isn’t working.” He uttered stumbling over his words. 

“Joshua darling, did they not teach anything at college? Here hold this.” I started, handing him my coffee cup and file and went to the fax machine to which was surrounded by a few other members of staff.  

“Listen up children.” I called out. 

“Bessie has done her service over the years you just need to know how to deal with her.” I added as I lifted up a flip, kicked the bottom drawer and pulled out the paper that had jammed. 

“Thank you.” I said quickly taking my cup and file and made a rather sharp getaway and back into the safety of Klaus’ office. 

I spent the remaining part of the afternoon going through the remanding résumés and to be honest out of the thirty I had read none of them stood out to me, the majority of the applicants were female and seemed ‘too nice’ and I didn’t think they would stand a chance, what male applicants were there also didn’t seem to be packing much in the spunk department. Looking at the clock on the wall I noticed that it was three-thirty and I was seriously hoping that Klaus and Kol would be making their way back to the office soon so I could go home. When I had an idea. Picking up the receiver on the phone I dialed a number to which I hoped would be the savior I needed. 

“Hello.”

“Cami? Hey It’s Y/NN how are you? Just a quick one, are you still looking for another job?” I asked, twirling the wire around my forefinger.

“Y/NN, I’m good thanks and yeah I am. Why do you know of somewhere?” She asked me back.

“How do you feel working at the same building I work at? My boss's brother Kol, he’s looking for a new assistant. I will warm you though, he may be hot but he can be an ass.” I told her with a chuckle.

“Honestly I’ll take what I can get, the hours at the bar are getting fewer and fewer.” 

“Pop down to the office on Monday. I’ll schedule an appointment so you can meet him and get a feel for the place.”

“Alright I’ll do just that, thank you so much Y/NN.” 

“No worries Cami glad I could help.”

Ending the call and putting the phone back, the door to the office swung open and Kol and Klaus stumbled in, while Klaus propped himself up by holding onto the back of the sofa, Kol crash landed onto it. 

Raising an eyebrow. “I take it the tasting at the distillery went well?”

“That it did love.” Klaus slurred back.

“Did you find me a new assistant? Y/N” Kol asked me, shifting his position on the sofa.

“I did, I’ve set up an appointment on Monday so you can meet her. If she is too your liking she can start as soon as.” I replied back to him, moving to another part of the room that had a jug of water, pouring it into two glasses. I handed one to each of the boys. 

Klaus and Kol looked at me and then at the glass of water in their hand, letting out a sigh I made a drink up motion with my hands. 

“Elijah was also looking for you earlier, I did tell him I would contact him when you got back to office however I don’t think now is a good time. And that is also me done for the day thank you very much.” I added and collected my things and left the office. 

Walking into my apartment I was exhausted, dumping my handbag and coat on the sofa I stripped off and turned the shower on. Standing underneath the water flow I enjoyed having the hot water fall onto and down my body as I felt the day drain away from me. 

Monday came and I was back in the office like normal and already typing away at my desk which was located just outside Klaus’ office. I was in the process of sorting through some of the stray bits of paperwork that was scattered on my desk when the familiar notification came through. Glancing at the screen I let out a scoff, Klaus wanted to see me in his office. Pulling out the USB drive that was in my computer and strutted into the room. 

“His lordship wishes to see me.” I teased, mocking a curtsy. 

“Did you type up the transcript from the Salvatore meeting?” He asked bluntly. 

“Yes it’s all on here but you also have paper copies in the bottom drawer in your desk, you have a meeting in twenty minutes with Marcel and I also made a reservation at that fancy restaurant for you and Caroline at eight.” I replied, motioning to the USB stick in my hand when I mentioned it. 

“What would I do without you love?” 

“Probably you wouldn’t survive at all, but is it really a good idea to be seeing Caroline outside of business negotiations?” I asked him. 

“You see love that when people have too much to drink they let details slip. All you have to do is ask questions. But would you be a sweetheart and pick up my suit from the dry cleaners?” Klaus replies smugly. 

“If you say so, but in my opinion playing Caroline like the way your aiming is just a dick move. And what did your last slave die of?” I told him bluntly. 

“Love I’m not playing your friend. I’m playing the odds so I can win the bothersome game between us and Salvatore’s just remember who you get your paychecks from, and we ‘evil villains’ have minions such as yourself to go and pick up dry cleaning. Now if you don’t mind.” 

“Yeah, yeah I get it. Just if you do you know find yourself in a compromising position later tonight make sure you wrap it before you tap it.” I sassed, winking at him and left the office. 

[dailyaudiobible]

02/06/2021 DAB Transcript

Exodus 23:14-25:40, Matthew 24:29-51, Psalms 30:1-12, Proverbs 7:24-27

Today is the 6th day of February welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I'm Brian it is a joy to be here with you today as we approach the end of another one of our weeks together. And when we conclude our reading for today, we will have completed nearly…nearly a full week of the month of February. So, it is exciting to be on this journey and take the next step forward, which will lead us back into the book of Exodus. And if we remember we are at the mountain of God. We are with the children of Israel surrounding Mount Sinai. God is speaking and beginning to lay out some of the principles and rituals and laws that He is integrating as He weaves together the tapestry of the Hebrew people. So, we’re reading from the Voice Translation this week, which is today. Exodus chapter 23 verse 14 to 25 verse 40.

Prayer:

Father we thank You for Your word. We thank You for another week and it. They’re just kind of…well. They’re moving by day by day step-by-step they’re moving by as they should but we’re recognizing that we’re moved into this new year. This is our year to live and You are instructing us. And we thank You for the word over this year, to “Mend”. This is this year of mending. And, so, we hear what was written in the Psalms today, the 30th chapter - “Eternal one, my true God, I cried out to You for help. You mended the shattered pieces of my life.” That is our prayer God. Some of us came into this new year unrecognizable completely shattered into a billion pieces and some of us feel that way right now. But this isn’t a matter of degree. It’s not like we’re trying to measure up to see whose more shattered here. We’re all broken, and we've all got shattered pieces in our lives, we have shattered pieces in our hearts. Life has dealt us some blows. It does this to everyone. And we are instructed to love You with our whole heart, and we confess that there are broken pieces of our hearts. Come as is in the Psalms. We cry out to You for help. You mend the shattered pieces of our lives. So, as we release this week as it becomes a part of our history, we look forward into the future for You to mend the shattered pieces of our lives. Come Holy Spirit we pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com that is home base, that is where you find out what's going on around here. And an alternative to that would be the Daily Audio Bible app, which you can also find out what’s going on around here. So, stay…stay connected.

Be aware of the Community section, be aware of the Prayer Wall. Visit the Prayer Wall. Be aware of the resources that are available in the Daily Audio Bible Shop.

And if you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible I…I can't thank you enough. I Can't thank you enough. We wouldn't be here if we were not in this together. I…I say that often say that often because it's the truth. So, thank you for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage. If you're using the app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you've a prayer request or encouragement hit the Hotline button in the app. No matter where you are on this planet hit the Hotline button in the app and you can share from there or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi this is Renzo from Maryland. I just wanna pray for the girl on the other line. This is February 1st. I just want to pray for the other girl on the other line that said her mom was a drug addict and she was 13 years old. I just want to say that's amazing that you’re on here reading the gospel at 13 years old. Keep keep…doing that. That's amazing. And I just pray for your mom right now. Father God I just thank You for everything that You do for us and I just please pray God that her mom just recovers from this addiction God. I believe You can heal anybody's addiction God. You’ve healed mine. You’ve healed my addiction to porn God, and I thank You that You healed that for me, and I've been clean for almost two years now and I thank You God that You did that. And, so, please just help her to just get closer to You God and just forgive her of what she did. Sometimes it’s so hard for us to forgive and that's how it was for me God. I just thank You for You for everything that You do for us God and we love You in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen. God bless you have a good rest of your day.

Hi this is Tiffany at first time caller from Cleveland OH. I've been listening every day this year and I pray with you daily. I feel so close to the DAB family and I thank you Brian for your love. Today I ask for prayer for my husband Tony and I. February 24th will be seven years since our daughter Janna's death. Our grief is difficult through this month as we remember our girl gone too soon. Grief also affects my ability to focus. Please pray for me to love my husband, to feel, to focus, and to be a good mom to my living children. Thank you in advance.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible this is Emily from Minnesota and actually this is my first year doing DAB. I started January 1st and I found it to be such a blessing. I have been hit with a bit of suffering the past couple of years period. It started with my son who died by suicide his freshman year of College in his dorm. And my family really wants…doesn't want to go to God for this. So, I am just simply embracing Jesus to carry me through. And then also my parents and my two brothers they've all been hit pretty hard. My mom was placed in memory care last year upstate when Covid hit in March and my dad is living independently but is showing strong signs of dementia and isn’t really willing to accept a lot of help. My younger brother lost his wife to cancer November 30th with a young family of four. And I have an older brother who appears to be struggling with addiction and homelessness. I just want to ask you all to lift up my family. I just do the best I can and rely on Jesus to carry me through each day each step. It's rough some days. And I know He has a plan and I know…I know God knows and I would just to ask for your support in my journey. Thank you.

Hey, my supportive DAB family this is Kingdom Seeker Daniel. Family, support is absolutely what I need right now. The short of it is I received a call from my ex-wife which is a miracle all by itself. She was very distraught and informed me that our son Daniel the 2nd, basically snapped and was admitted into a psych ward. And I guess they were trying to prescribe some meds to him, and he refused. But at any rate after several attempts to reach him I finally got a chance to talk with him and he did not sound like my son, did not sound like my son at all and I just need your prayers. I’m believing God to rescue my boy from this place that he's in. And, so, I'm asking if my family would come around Daniel Christopher young the 2nd? My ex-wife also informed me several years later that my…my youngest Hannah was assaulted twice. Why she chose not to tell me until eight years later I don't know but needless to say Hannah is in a bad place as well. My oldest Bianca is confused with her identity sexually. And, so, family will you please pray for my children. Bianca, and Daniel, and Hannah.

[singing starts] Oh, my Savior I am so grateful I'm Yours. Oh, my Savior I am so grateful I'm Yours. With every new sun that rises Your mercy it meets me there. Your faithfulness is unchangeable. You always love me and care. Oh, my Savior I am so grateful I'm Yours. Oh, my savior I am so grateful I'm yours. [singing stops] I lift this offering up to you Jesus and I ask Lord that you would cover the Daily Audio Bible family with your blood, that you would fill them to full and overflowing with your Holy Spirit, that you would protect them, keep them safe, bless them. And father God let us enter deeper into your presence. Great is your faithfulness. We love you so much. In Jesus’ name we ask these things. What a miracle. I love you Treasured Possession.

Well, hello everybody and congratulations you finished your first month listening to the DAB. Job well done. That is awesome. So, welcome all new listeners and of course us long time listeners this is Lori music the transplant from Chicago down to beautiful Hebrew Springs Arkansas. Lord I'm just coming to You and we’re thanking You for the people that do call in and share their stories and prayer requests and many of them just break my heart Father God, but I pray immediately for You all. But I'm calling today to come before the Lord with the unspoken prayer requests, the ones that people are too shy or timid to call in and request. So, Father You know these unspoken prayers Father God. You know our hearts You know our needs You know our wants and our desires Father. So, I'm asking a special blessing on those people that haven't called in yet and that You answer their prayers Father God. And Lord You know I've been out of a job since November, but I know that Your timing is perfect Father. So, every day when I wake up, I will say this is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. Oh wow, so, I'm starting my 11th year on DAB and my second year on Chronological. I pray for Brian and Jill and China, give them special blessing father. We love you all. Have a blessed day.

[aweirdkindofyellow]

The J.A.C.I.E. Project, Pt. 1

JACIE Jay-see \ d͡ʒˈe͡ɪsi \ See Jennifer Anna Clara Isabell Evans. An ambitious 21-year-old music student, striving to find her place in the industry.

JACK Jak \ d͡ʒæk \ A guy ten years older than Jacie, who takes a liking to her.

Chapter 1

My name’s Jacie. That’s Jacie with a c-i-e, not a s-e-y. It’s also not Casey. Just Jacie. Actually, that’s a lie, it’s Jennifer Anna Clara Isabell Evans, but I go by Jacie. It’s more like an acronym, really. None of my actual names ever sat right with me. When I was five years old, I was writing out my initials under a drawing and declared that I wanted to be called Jacie from there on out. Somehow both my parents entertained the idea and it stuck since.

They never agreed on anything. My parents, that is. Never. How they ever got married was beyond me. They couldn’t even agree on a name for me. My dad wanted to name me Jennifer Anna, and my mom wanted to name me Clara Isabell. There was not a single compromise that either of them could make. The only reason Jennifer Anna came first was because my dad was the one who got to write my names down for the birth certificate. It was only a good thing, otherwise I would have never found J.A.C.I.E. I honestly still do not know how they managed to stay together long enough to have my little brother, Benjamin Tobias Evans.

Ben was the light of my life. He was fourteen years younger than I was, making him six. The only reason why he had two names and not four like me was because I named him. Yet again, our parents couldn’t come to an agreement, so they gave me the honour. Not the greatest choice. I was thirteen when I made that decision and thought it sounded like a cool name from a young adult book. But, hey, at least he wasn’t named Jennifer Anna Clara Isabell Evans. Ben, or Benny as I sometimes liked calling him, was a very acceptable name.

He never got to know what life was like with two parents. My mom had left by the time he was one, they divorced soon after, and then my dad got full custody and my mom only had visitation rights. I was glad the court favoured my dad even though he also came with his downsides. Anything was better than the constant need for disagreement, though. Something in me knew it wasn’t even about differing opinions, it was about always wanting to be opposing the other’s view.

Luckily Ben never had to witness any of that. I spent many days in my life wondering why they wouldn’t get a divorce. It was the best for everybody even though it was so confusing. Anything was better than the screaming and unbearable bickering.

My little brother was the only reason I was where I was in life. I wanted to set a good example for him, that anything was possible as long as you put your mind to it. He didn’t exactly have a good role model in my mom, who was always more suited for the single life than the family life. Although he was only six, I wanted to show him that there was a way to have everything. I had a social life, good grades, and managed to work my ass off as well. It was possible. Hard, but possible.

I was in my last year of my college degree. I studied the very broad subject of music. My college did offer specialist courses, but when I began, I had no idea where I wanted to take it. Now, a few months over two years later, I knew it a lot better. Although I enjoyed performing, I liked the songwriting process just a little more. Better to say, I loved songwriting and producing. I also realised that this wasn’t a field I could just hop in and hope to get a good job in. I needed to do more to stand out.

That’s where internships came in. I knew I needed to get myself some work experience before I was thrown out into the real world. Nowadays there was no way to get a job anywhere unless you had five years experience in some software that had only been available for a year. I was sure to get ahead of that. I signed up for every internship that was even remotely relevant. It was the only way, especially with how competitive it all was in L.A.

And that’s how I ended up at the Fueled by Ramen L.A. offices. It was one competitive place. Rather than just coming in for one single interview. They had us come in in groups. It reminded me a lot of college orientation. We were shown around, trying to convince us to work there. But really, there was a large group of people and only two of us were going to be picked. Pretty torturous if you asked me; showing us how great it would be while not giving us the job. It was what it was.

I was standing there leaning against a wall after our tour was done, waiting for my name to be called up for our individual interviews. A water fountain was right next to me, meaning the others around me would often come up for a sip of water, giving me the usual awkward nod. It was all so strange and silent. We were waiting outside meeting rooms which were being used. Even if anybody wanted to, we couldn’t say much more than a quiet whisper.

All I could really do to fill the time was stare ahead, over everybody else, right at the wall at the end of the hallway, and tightly hold onto my folder. It had things such as my CV, the printed information sheet they wanted filled out, and other items I thought would help me look good.

There was this meeting going on in the meeting room just past the water fountain that had started even before we all arrived here. It seemed like quite the serious one. Not that I expected anything less. But there were quite a few people in there discussing something. It could only be important.

At one point, however, the frosted glass door opened and somebody walked out. I didn’t even bother to look in the direction of the movement. Considering that I actually did need an internship, I didn’t want to stare as they left the room, making them uncomfortable and feel like they’re being judged. We’ve all been there before. It’s not great.

They walked up to the water fountain, leaning over and taking a quick drink. I just shuffled over a little to give them some more space, assuming they’d leave in no time. But then I noticed a pair of eyes staring right at me. I finally looked at the person who had left the meeting and saw a guy. He definitely had either dark brown or black hair naturally, but now it was bleached to an ash blonde. I mean, it definitely didn’t look like his real hair colour with that black beard and those bushy eyebrows.

“Hi.” He smiled as soon as I made eye contact with him.

“Hello.” I nodded back politely.

“What’s going on here?” He asked in a whispered tone as he scanned the hallway full of people.

“We’re all here for internship interviews.” I shrugged and held my folder a bit tighter, matching how quiet he was being. “Only two of us will actually get it, though.”

He whistled lowly and squinted his eyes just a little. “What do you think your chances are?”

I hummed, taking another look at everybody around me. “Not that great, to be honest. I’m the youngest here.”

“Age doesn’t matter.”

“It does in the job world, unfortunately,” I corrected, briefly taking another glance at him. He was pretty good looking really. “Either way, I’m sure there’s people here who are more suited for the positions. I’m not really the ‘Experience Management’ type.”

“No?” He raised an eyebrow and gave me a small smirk. “What type are you then?”

“More of the songwriting and producing type,” I confessed. Maybe it wasn’t great to tell somebody here that I didn’t feel like I was a good fit when I was just minutes away from going to an interview to convince them that I was the best candidate.

“Oooh,” he approved with a big sexy grin, “the best part.”

“Are you in the music sector?”

“I am indeed, yes.”

Then something hit me. I was in some record label’s office after all. “Is that why some people here are staring nervously at you?”

“Yup.”

“Nice.” I gave him a respectful nod. “Signed artist.”

“You know it.” A sly smirk appeared on his face. Before the conversation had a chance to die down, for him to part ways with me and get back to his meeting, he quickly added, “what’s your name?”

I subconsciously looked down at that information sheet I was holding on top of my folder and answered. “Jacie.”

“Are you giving me a fake name?” He happened to take a peak at what I was looking at and saw what I had scribbled down on the paper.

“No.” I shook my head and gave him a little more access, pointing at each of my names individually. “J, A, C, I, E. That’s Jacie.”

“Wow, that’s a signed artist thing to do,” he laughed softly.

“Tell five-year-old Jennifer that,” I sighed and gave him a disappointed look. “Always the diva.”

He gave me a good look over and the smirk returned yet again. “You wanna go out for drinks tomorrow evening?”

I pursed my lips together. “I actually already have plans then.”

“Oh, do you?” He challenged.

“You see, I’m turning a measly twenty-one tomorrow, so I’ve got quite a few other things on my roster.”

“Twenty-one,” he breathed out, “you are indeed a young one.”

“Hey, I warned you,” I defended myself.

Before the flirting could continue for any longer, the name ‘Jennifer Evans’ was called out. It was time to leave the hot guy, who’s name I didn’t even know, behind. I pushed myself off the wall and gave him a salute before walking myself to the dreadful interview room.

[sexyrasputin]

Vivian was beyond nervous. She’d spent the last two years at the local community college getting her associate’s degree in hopes of transferring to a more reputable school. She’d been accepted to multiple straight out of high school, but without a full ride, she hadn’t been able to attend any of them.

Then the impossible happened. As a transfer student, Viv applied to a small university in her home town that was known to be as prestigious as it was expensive. She hadn’t expected to get accepted. She definitely hadn’t expected for them to offer her the full ride they denied her as a senior in high school. That had gone to her best friend, but he deserved it more than she did.

So here Viv was, standing outside her new apartment that’d she be sharing with three other girls. She didn’t know any of them, but they had seemed nice enough over Facebook. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door, pulling her first bag in behind her.

“Hello?” Vivian didn’t see anybody in the main living room or kitchen, but she could hear people talking in one of the back rooms. With another nervous breath, she followed the noise.

“Hello?” Again, no reply, but she went to the room with her name on it. Pushing the door open, Vivian found the source of the noise.

“I, just, I don’t know, Stel. He’s being such a jerk. Like, more than usual,” the pale blonde sighed, not noticing Vivian yet. Stel didn’t look up from her book.

“What else did you expect? You’re the one who dated him. You really should have seen this coming.” Her dry tone didn’t leave much room for empathy. Ouch. Now Vivian knew who not to go for when in need of comfort.

“Hi,” she said aloud, her voice quiet. The blonde jumped, and the other girl looked up from her book.

“Oh! Hey! You must be Vivian. I’m Evie, and this is Stella. Ruth is out with her boyfriend, so you’ll meet her later, but welcome to the apartment!” Evie stood, rushing over and taking Vivian’s bag, setting it on the empty bed.

“Where’s the rest of your stuff? I’ll help you get settled.” She barely had time to think before Stella put her book away.

“I’ll help, too. You guys are surprisingly more interesting than Tolstoy.” Except she said it like it was a good thing. Vivian hadn’t read any Tolstoy, so she didn’t fully understand, but she’d take the compliment anyways.

“Uh, thanks. Yeah, my car is parked out front,” she answered, gesturing out the door. Evie jumped up, clapping her hands in excitement before rushing for the door. As she went ahead, Vivian fell into step besides Stella.

“I’m guessing she’s having boy trouble?” Usually, she wasn’t the type to be super nosy, but Vivian had had roommates in the past who hadn’t kept her in the loop, and it never ended well.

“Yeah,” Stella sighed. “Evie dated this guy her freshman year, but they never went public. She still won’t say who he is, but I think I’ve got it figured out. Either way, it’s sure to make for an interesting story one day.”

“You seem pretty all knowing for looking so young. You’re a freshman, yeah?”

“First year, but I got my associate’s in high school. I went to a accelerated school,” she explained, earning a nod from Vivian. So Stella was crazy smart and hardworking, even to the point that it put her own efforts to shame. She wasn’t meaning to brag, but she knew her skills. She wasn’t going to diminish those for anyone.

“That’s impressive. I just finished mine at the community college in the next town over.” Vivian descended the stairs quickly, allowing for Stella to trail behind for a few moments, but she waited at the bottom of the stairs for her. Looking ahead, Evie was on the phone next to Viv’s car. Was she calling for help? She didn’t have that much stuff.

“What’d you get it in?”

“Oh, macroeconomics. I want to do international economic law one day, and this school has the best program in the whole state.” And the best scholarships, but that wasn’t necessary to share. Judging by how nice of clothing Stella and Evie both wore, they didn’t exactly struggle with money like Vivian did.

“That’s really cool. I want to be an archivist, so even though I already got my associates, I have to be in school for another five to seven years.” Stella made a face as they reached Evie, who was just hanging up the phone.

“Did you call Darren and Zane?” the brunette asked, earning an eager nod.

“Yeah, they’re both on their way. Darren was reluctant but I didn’t give him a choice. So you’ll be able to meet our brothers, Vivian, and they’ll help us bring in everything. Is this all you have?” Evie looked into the trunk of her smaller car. It wasn’t a small car, but it wasn’t even as big as a minivan. And it definitely wasn’t full. Blushing slightly, Vivian nodded.

“Well, we’ll finish early and then we can play truth or dare and get to know you better.” It seemed like Evie didn’t like giving people choices, because Vivian was pretty sure she didn’t have one here.

“Sounds good to me,” she replied, earning a happy squeal.

“Perfect! Let the games begin!”

[lespetitesmortsde]

One-Sided War, part three

Part three! @sketchywave

Except Beca does win a third time, because she works there and gets in before anybody else and stakes her claim on the spot before anyone else even has the chance.

It sparks Chloe’s irritation anew and the injustice forces it to grow. Emily can almost see the flames behind her eyes as she takes Chloe’s order and money and gestures her over to the pick-up area.

The old man is right behind Chloe, and she watches what he’s going to do as he gets his regular drip (in a white non-refillable mug) and she waits for her espresso.

To her surprise, as soon as Beca sees the man, she gets up and helps him into the chair, playfully wrapping her blanket around him and shaking his hand before walking past Chloe and into the back room of the cafe. When she emerges only moments later, Chloe’s picking up her drink, and Beca stays behind the bar, sliding easily into the rhythm Emily and Tom have set up.

Chloe slips into the same chair she had yesterday, deftly avoiding the weird bulge, and sits quietly across from the man. He reads his newspaper, and drinks his coffee, and Beca clearly isn’t coming back before he leaves, so Chloe sets up her computer. When she navigates back to her document, she cringes at the lack of work she did yesterday.

She needs to stop letting Beca distract her, so she dives right in and tries not to think about the mysterious new addition to her cafe.

Her plan doesn’t exactly go smoothly, though, because around 6:45, Beca wanders over with a mug of coffee, white this time, and sets it down in front of the old man. She swipes away his empty coffee mug and walks right back to the counter to help her coworkers.

When the old man reaches for his coffee next, after putting down his newspaper, she can almost see the chain reaction in his mind: reach for mug, oh wait there’s no coffee left, wait why is there a new mug here…

He looks up and looks around and looks imploringly over at the counter. Like she has a sixth sense, Beca looks over at that moment, sends him a smile and a wave, and then goes right back to work. Chloe can see the corners of her mouth are still slightly turned up.

“Thank you, Beca,” he calls out across the coffee shop, and Beca waves him off again.

“No problem, Rick, enjoy.”

Oh Jesus, Chloe thinks. Her anger dissipates almost entirely. She’s sweet and her voice is sexy. Chloe glances down mournfully at her computer, already admitting defeat, already knowing that today is the day she’s going to talk to Beca.

She’s also disappointed in herself. Since when does she get so irritated over small things like a chair in a coffee shop? And why doesn’t she know that the nice old man she used to switch chairs with is named Rick, when she’s been here longer?

It feels a little like she’s lost herself somewhere along the way in the past few years, settling into what she thought was a routine of adulthood, but now that she thinks more critically, seems more and more like a rut.

When did she stop making friends everywhere she goes and get so… so self-involved?

She shudders and takes a comforting sip of her macchiato. The more she thinks about it, the less she likes discovering what she’s brushed aside as the naivete of youth. She vows to be better.

Glancing over at the brunette, who’s now working the till instead of the frother, she nods to herself and even though she has almost half her drink left, she downs it quickly. She waits a moment for all the new liquid to settle into her stomach before she gets up and joins the back of the now nine-person-deep line, almost out the door.

“Hello there, can I get you another caramel macchiato?” Beca asks as Chloe approaches the counter.

Chloe beams, “Yes, please.”

“Caramel macchiato, half-sweet, for Chloe,” Beca calls over her shoulder, already ringing through the refill charge.

“Wait, how did you-”

Beca chuckles. “Emily says you’re here every day and you always get the same thing.”

Sure enough, when Chloe glances over at her usual barista, Emily gives a little wave before going right back to steaming milk.

“Well, thanks,” Chloe says, holding out her hand so Beca can pour coins into it. “Beca,” she adds.

Beca smirks. “No problem.”

Chloe steps away, toward the pick-up counter, and watches Beca interact with the next customer, and then the one after that, before she’s able to pick up her coffee and head back to her new spot.

Rick’s coffee is already three quarters gone, and he’s pushed his newspaper aside to just stare out the window instead. Normally, Chloe would’ve left him alone, but now that she’s trying to get back to college Chloe, she’s on a mission.

She sits down across from him, puts down her drink, and leans forward in her chair. “Hi there!” she greets brightly. He turns to look at her and smiles a little.

“Hello.”

“So your name’s Rick? My name’s Chloe. I see you in here a lot. Nice to finally meet you!” And Chloe sticks out her hand.

Rick takes it and gives it a good one-pump shake. “Nice to meet you, too.” He shifts a little in his seat. “You’re here early today.”

Chloe blushes a little at this. “I was trying to scope it out and see why Beca kept beating me to inheriting your chair, but now I understand.” She settles back into her new spot. “And this chair is pretty good, so long as you avoid the bump.”

That gets a laugh out of the man, and it’s so nice to have an innocent conversation with someone that it strikes Chloe how much she’s missed it.

“It doesn’t come pre-warmed though, does it?” Rick asks, playfully.

She laughs softly, “No, it doesn’t, but I guess I’ll live.” Chloe sighs a little for dramatic effect and Rick practically glows at the attention.

He drinks the last of his coffee, and looks a little forlornly at the mug. Chloe looks at him questioningly, but when Rick catches her eye, he just shrugs. “I’m not supposed to have more than one cup of coffee per day,” he admits. “Doctor said something about all the caffeine.”

Suddenly, Chloe’s good will toward Beca wanes.

“Oh, no!” She says, wringing her hands. Already, she’s thinking of ways to talk to Beca about potentially harming the health of one of her customers.

“Don’t worry about it,” a voice interjects, and Chloe turns to see Beca smiling at Rick. “It’s decaf, old man, so it’s got all the flavour and none of the crap.”

Chloe almost swoons.

Beca’s changed out of her cafe shirt, instead donning some sort of dark blue tank top with a red plaid shirt overtop, and still on top of that, a black hoodie.

“Thank you, Beca,” Rick says, as he gets up from the chair and folds his newspaper under his arm, blanket falling off of his shoulders as he goes.

“Like I said, no problem, Rick,” Beca smiles, taking a step to the side. “Have a good day!”

Rick nods, “I will, thank you, you ladies, too.” Chloe feels a little pleasurable spark at being included with Beca. He walks off and Beca drops into the chair, wrapping her blanket around herself. She reaches into her bag to pull out her headphones and Chloe realizes that her window for a conversation is vanishing as she watches.

“Hey,” Chloe says, an edge of panic to her voice. Beca pauses in her movements.

“Hey…?”

“So do you own this place now, then?” Chloe asks, the question pouring out of her. She’d meant to check if Beca was, indeed, new in town, and then try to use that as a segue to meet up with Beca outside of the coffee shop.

Beca laughs. It’s not just an amused chuckle or a couple of ‘heh’s; it’s a full on chortle, like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard in her lifetime. Chloe just sits there confused and patient.

“No, I don’t own the place. I’m just helping out for a few days. I’m friends with the actual owner, Jesse. He needed some help, I was passing through, so why not, you know?” Beca pulls her headphones onto her lap and reaches into her bag again, drawing out her laptop.

Chloe knows Jesse, has met him a bunch over the time she’s spent sequestered in what is now Beca’s chair. And she doesn’t mean to be rude, but, “How do you two know each other?”

Almost anyone aside from Chloe would’ve blushed at pressing for information, but Chloe just leans forward a little bit in her chair to show she’s interested, and smiles warmly.

Beca shifts her headphones so they lie on top of her closed laptop, and picks up her coffee instead. She scoots back, like she’s settling in for a lengthy conversation, and wraps her hands around the mug.

“We went to the same music finishing school.”

Chloe grins, “I love music! What did you two do there?”

Beca takes a sip before responding, “Jesse pursued thematic scoring; he’s really into movies. I took a degree in music engineering.” Chloe nods along as Beca speaks.

“So, now Jesse owns a coffee shop and you…?”

“I produce music. I’ve also been known to DJ a little on the side, but it happens less often these days.”

Bobbing her head, Chloe asks, “Anything I might’ve heard?”

Beca tilts her head like she’s thinking about it. “On the production side, yes, if you listen to the radio. On the DJ side, only if you find mixes in the furthest corners of the internet.”

Chloe just stares at her expectantly.

Beca sighs into a chuckle. “You know Halsey?”

Wide-eyed, Chloe nods quickly. Beca shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“That’s so awesome, Beca! Wow! She’s got some sick beats,” Chloe compliments. Beca tries to hide her pleasure at the compliment behind an awkward smile.

“Thanks.”

“Whom else?”

“Um, I’ve done some stuff with Justin Timberlake, a couple with Ed Sheeran, once I was graced to help Beyonce, and there have been a few others.” Beca fidgets with the edges of her blanket.

“Damn,” Chloe whistles. “So, you’re like, famous hey?”

Immediately Beca is shaking her head, “No, no, no, I just play with some buttons and dials and stuff. I’m not famous.”

But Chloe will not be put off. “What’s your DJ name?”

Beca blushes hard. “Oh, um, it’s just Beca Mitchell. Or DJ double B. Or DJ B. I never really wanted a DJ-something name, though. If David Guetta doesn’t need one nor do I.”

Chloe freezes. “Shut. Up.”

So Beca stares uncomfortably.

“Shut up!” And then Chloe’s vibrating with glee, talking animatedly, “I love your stuff, oh my God, you’re not as hard to find as you think you are. How did you come up with the “Bulletproof” and “Titanium” mashup? The “500 Miles” one? You did a whole slew of Halsey mashups; it makes so much sense now!”

Beca swallows audibly. “Whoa. Okay. Calm down. Still shitty temporary barista Beca.”

But Chloe ploughs on, relentlessly, “Is that what you’re doing on your computer? I knew you couldn’t be writing, but I thought maybe you were doing accounting stuff for this place. Now that I know what I know, though, is it true?”

“So you’ve been watching me?”

That stops Chloe in her tracks. “Oh, um, well, I-”

Thankfully, Beca laughs. “Relax, Chloe. Yes, I’m working on some new mixes and mashups. I don’t perform much anymore, but I still release the stuff I make in my spare time.”

Chloe visibly relaxes. “How long are you here for, then, Ms. Badass Producer Lady?”

“Well, I’m covering for Jess for another week, and then I’m heading back to LA for a few sessions. Then, I dunno. I’ll be around.”

Beca’s eyes drift down and notice that Chloe’s cup and her own are empty. She shakes off her blanket and takes them over to the counter, washing her hands before making their drinks. This time, she doesn’t make herself a black coffee because Chloe watches her pour steamed milk into both of their mugs, not just hers.

When she walks back, Chloe asks, “What’d you get this time?”

Settling back into her blanket, Beca shrugs. “Same as you. I don’t usually go for the sweet stuff, but I only added half the sweetener you get. It’s halfway okay.”

“Rude,” Chloe states, taking a sip and smiling.

“That’s what people keep telling me,” Beca agrees.

There’s a brief silence over the two of them as they both grip onto their warm mugs and just kind of settle.

“Oh wait,” Chloe exclaims quickly, putting down her cup and shoving a hand into her jacket pocket. “I owe you $2.95 for the refill.”

Beca just waves her off, “It’s on the house. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” Chloe hesitates to put her change back into her pocket.

“I’m sure, Chloe. It’s fine. I’m the boss remember? At least for the week.” Beca glances around for a second before setting her gaze back on Chloe. “So what do you do here all day? Em says you’re here basically all day every day.”

It’s Chloe’s turn to flush lightly. “Oh, I’m a writer.”

Beca grins, “Anything I’d know?”

Chloe screws up her nose a little in thought. “I generally write historical fiction or non-fiction, and you don’t strike me as the type.”

Laughing, Beca nods, “Yeah, I barely read, but when I do, it’s generally a YA novel Jesse’s recommended or books about music.”

“The music bit is a little predictable, Becs,” Chloe informs her, leaning back comfortably in her chair and taking a sip of her drink.

“What can I say, I’m an open book,” Beca jokes. “Seriously though, what’ve you written? Maybe I’ll try it out.”

“You’ll be here tomorrow, right?” Chloe asks, changing the subject.

A little confused, Beca replies, “Yeah, why?”

“I’ll bring some of my books. If you want to read any of them, you can just have them,” Chloe says. She leans down to dig into her bag for her pad of sticky notes, grabs her pen from the tabletop, and writes herself a note so she doesn’t forget.

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that,” Beca attempts to backpedal.

Chloe waves her off. “Show me some of the stuff you’re working on, but haven’t finished, and we’ll call it a trade.”

“Deal,” Beca agrees, “but only stuff that’s my own.” She shrugs. “Confidentiality contracts and all that jazz.”

“That’s so cool,” Chloe says a little dreamily.

Beca raises an eyebrow and takes a sip of her coffee while Chloe blushes lightly. “Sorry.”

But Beca just shakes her head with a small smile. “What are you working on right now, Hemingway?”

Chloe giggles briefly as she hits a few keys on her laptop. “Not quite the right genre, but I’ll give it to you,” Chloe answers. “As long as you don’t think I’m an alcoholic.” She turns the screen towards Beca.

Shrugging, Beca scoots forward in her seat to get a better look at Chloe’s screen as she replies, “Eh, we don’t know each other well enough yet. I’m reserving judgment.”

“So you think we’ll get to know each other more?”

Beca’s cheeks redden. “Maybe just hoping.”

Chloe smiles widely and gestures to the screen. “Right now I’m working on an article for National Geographic about territorialism in domestic animals,” Chloe explains. “Maybe you could help me with the human angle?”

Beca moves her gaze from the screen to Chloe’s face, confusion evident. “How am I supposed to do that?”

Chloe grins, happy that Beca’s taken the bait. “Well, for example, I’m very territorial about my coffee shop seat,” she trails off as she watches Beca’s confusion deepen.

“Okay…?”

“And for the last three days,” Chloe smirks, “a certain brunette best friend of the manager has been stealing it.”

Beca’s mouth drops open in a soft ‘o.’ “Oh my God–”

“Which is a clear breach of my territory, however, like animals in the wild, I can be appeased,” Chloe explains helpfully, cutting off what she assumes will be an apology. “Say dinner tonight? 7?”

She watches as Beca’s face flows from confusion and apologies to slow realization, and finally, through to a smile.

“You’re good,” Beca acknowledges, and tips an imaginary hat.

Chloe almost purrs at the compliment. “Thanks.”

Beca pulls a small notebook out of her bag, rips a page out, and writes on it. When she hands it to Chloe, she shrugs, “I don’t usually carry my phone on me, but you should probably text me an address or someplace where I’ll be picking you up.”

Excitedly, Chloe takes the slip of paper and makes a big show of entering the number into her phone, which is almost always on her. “Thanks!” she says brightly. “I’m Chloe Beale, by the way,” she waves Beca off as she opens her mouth. “We already know your last name, so I thought I would level the playing field.”

“Well, thanks, Chloe Beale,” Beca replies, playing with one of the ear cushions on her headphones. Then she gestures down at Chloe’s laptop. “When’s your deadline?”

Immediately, Chloe winces. “Like… two days ago?”

Beca’s laughter is immediate and full, even though it’s quiet to match the coffee shop’s atmosphere. “I’d be so dead if I was that late.”

Blushing, Chloe defends herself, “It’s kind of, like, a thing in the publishing industry. Writers are late. Even when we try not to be!”

“Oh really?” Beca asks, amusement evident, disbelief clear.

Chloe nods emphatically. “Oh yeah, my editors have a policy where they give all writers early deadlines so that they can afford the extra time when the writer’s late.”

Beca just raises her eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Chloe admits, “I’m not supposed to know in case I abuse the safety net they’ve created for themselves, but it still works! I just feel less bad when I’m late.”

“So how much of a cushion do you have?”

“Like a week?” Chloe says, tilting her head to the side. “Something like that.”

Beca hums. “And how close are you to being finished?”

“... Not very,” Chloe says and she meets Beca’s inquisitive stare.

The two of them hold eye contact for a moment.

“Okay, well, you work on your book, and I’ll work on my music so that A. I meet my deadline because in the music industry, you cannot be late. If you’re close to the deadline, you’re considered late. And B. So that when I take you out later and blow your mind with awesomeness, I won’t feel guilty about pulling you from your responsibilities.”

“That sounds good, Becs,” Chloe smiles.

Beca smirks. “That’s how I roll,” she says and slips on her headphones, sending a wink Chloe’s way before focusing her eyes on the screen in front of her.

[astudyinfreewill]

Hello lovely! How about a pynch au fic where Ronan and Adam meet when the fire alarms for their apartment building go off and everyone has to evacuate to the parking lot?

hey there!!! i am so sorry this is so late, and i don’t really have an excuse other than that life’s been incredibly busy – with good things, mostly, so that’s a plus at least. three notes: 1. this is definitely not a drabble of a couple hundred words, because i’m apparently terrible at keeping my own resolutions… but at the same time, 2. it’s also not a complete fic; it kinda feels like the start of one, and maybe i’ll write that au someday, but i decided to let this go for now or i would never fill your prompt, ack ^^;;; finally, 3. this is unbeta’d, so any mistakes (whether in the english or in general knowledge about american stuff) are exclusively mine. hope you enjoy!!

Adam didn’t need this. With midterms looming so close, and the opening shift at the coffee shop the following morning at ass o’clock, he was really looking forward to going over his chemistry notes one more time and then getting an early night. Instead, he had been forced out of his tiny flat and down four flights of stairs by a blaring siren.

Adam really didn’t need this.

As he reached the parking lot, he noticed how chilly the night air was against his arms and cursed himself for not grabbing his jacket on the way out. He had moved to the city from his hometown of Henrietta only a couple months before, when he’d started college, and he was still a little nervous about his new surroundings. When the fire alarm had sounded, he’d hightailed it directly to the door as his landlord had instructed, but now he was wondering if maybe this was just a drill.

Looking around the parking lot at the other disgruntled tenants, he tried to find someone to ask. Everyone was engaged in conversation already, and Adam felt self-conscious about barging in and interrupting them to ask what was possibly a stupid question. After a few minutes of scanning the parking lot, he finally spotted one tenant who was standing on his own, not talking to anyone. Somehow, he managed to make his lack of activity look pointed.

Adam took a step closer. The other guy seemed to be in his early twenties, tall and broad-shouldered, with his hair shaved to an army-style buzzcut. Adam hoped he wasn’t some crazy survivalist type. Shaved Guy was wearing a black leather jacket, artfully ripped jeans (okay, so maybe not a survivalist) and—was that a raven perched on his shoulder? (…okay, definitely crazy).

Still, Adam had not made it out of the trailer park and into New York City only to be intimidated by a bird of prey, either literal or human-shaped. He walked up to the guy and, trying to hide his accent as best he could, started: “Um, hello. Can I ask you a question?”

The guy looked down at him (he was only about an inch and a half taller, which Adam found inexplicably frustrating, especially because Raven Guy managed to make it look like it was a foot) as if he was surprised and a little affronted anyone had had the gall to come up to him and make verbal contact. Adam did not doubt that was exactly the case.

“You already did, didn’t you?”

His tone was bored and downright rude, but Adam had the weird, unshakeable impression that his disinterest was not genuine.

“I guess I did. Another question, then,” he amended, trying his best not to let Raven Guy get under his skin. “I was wondering if you know what’s going on.” He tacked on a soft question mark at the end, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible.

Raven Guy stared at him.

“Are you an idiot?”

Adam’s blood went up several degrees in temperature.

“Pardon me?” he asked, struggling to keep a lid on the anger about to swell up.

“Well, let’s see, a fire alarm just went off,” drawled Raven Guy, sounding, if possible, even more bored and condescending than before, “And now we’re all down here… could it be that there’s – oh, you know – maybe a fire?”

“I thought maybe it was just a drill,” Adam replied, quietly, the way he got very quiet when he was absolutely furious. In that way, he was very different from his father.

Wordlessly, Raven Guy just pointed at the penthouse floor of the building, where sure enough, now an ominous orange light was beginning to show. Adam did feel a bit like an idiot then, which did surprisingly little to placate his anger. He was just about to turn on Raven Guy and thank him for his help as venomously and sarcastically as he was able, when he felt a light touch to his elbow.

“Don’t mind Ronan,” a soft voice piped up to his left, on the side of his good ear. He turned to see a pale boy who looked… well… smudgy was not a good choice of word, but it was the only one Adam could come up with on the spot.

“He’s just mad because he set the fire himself. I’m Noah, by the way.” The pale, smudgy boy extended a hand to a bemused Adam.

“Wow, Noah, thanks, way to fucking have my back,” Raven Guy – who was apparently called Ronan – spat out, as Adam shook Noah’s hand. It was very cold.

“You live in the penthouse?” Adam’s accent coloured his words slightly in his surprise; it was hard to imagine two people that different living together.

Noah nodded. “He was trying to bake an Irish cream cake, and the alcohol caught on fire,” he whispered, conspiratorially. Adam couldn’t hold back a snort at that, though he tried – very poorly and belatedly – to hide it behind a hand. If it was hard to imagine Ronan and Noah living together, it was even harder to imagine Tall, Dark and Asshole (though, okay, Adam had to admit he was also very, very handsome) baking a cake.

“What the fuck, Noah,” complained Ronan, now absolutely livid. “What is wrong with you?”

“I was just trying to be friendly,” Noah shrugged defensively.

“Oh, friendly, I see, that’s awesome, man. So the first random guy rolls in from Hicksville and you throw me under the fucking bus?”

Adam saw red.

Not bothering to hide his accent anymore, for all the good it did, he stared Ronan right in the eye. “Maybe if your mama had taught you how to talk to people, your friends wouldn’t feel the irrepressible impulse to expose you for the bag of dicks you are.”

Ronan stared back at him in what looked like disbelief, outrage, annoyance and – was that a tiny, microscopic hint of respect Adam could see?

“Is that how it is?” he asked, dangerously pleasant. “And what the fuck do you think you fucking know about me, exactly?”

Adam didn’t hesitate one second: “I know you think you’re too damn cool to be nice to a stranger asking you a question. Well, and that you’re apparently a shit baker, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Noah gasped softly, Ronan opened his mouth to reply, and Adam was not at all sure he knew what he was doing, really, except that he was not going to step away from this, dammit—but before Ronan could fire back something truly incendiary, they were interrupted by a steady, pleasant, rich voice (Adam hadn’t thought it was possible for a voice to sound wealthy before, but there it was).

“What’s going on here?”

Adam expected the voice to come from a middle-aged politician. Instead, it was a boy that looked glaringly implausible standing in the dark parking lot of a badly maintained block of flats. He was wearing khakis, boat shoes, and a polo shirt that was… Adam wasn’t certain he knew the name of that shade. Some variation of turquoise that probably had an even fancier name. The boy was regarding him with an affable smile that looked practiced, but genuine curiosity was shining from behind his wire-framed glasses. Adam couldn’t be sure, but he thought he heard Ronan mutter ‘oh, there we fucking go’ under his breath.

“I’m Gansey.” A hand was extended towards him with unwavering confidence.

“Adam Parrish,” Adam replied, a little puzzled, but shaking his hand regardless.

“Do I need to make apologies for Ronan? I usually do. Consider apologies extended. Come on, we’ll go and have pizza while this all blows over. I have been speaking to a few of the people handling the situation, and the fire has apparently not spread any further than our kitchen. Don’t ask. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Gentlemen, shall we?”

He turned and headed towards the most hideously orange Camaro Adam had ever laid eyes on. Adam stared at it, then at Gansey’s retreating form again, as if he was certifiably insane. Ronan rolled his eyes and started stomping after Gansey, letting loose a litany of what was a truly impressive range of swears. When he got into the car, he slammed the passenger side door, then slammed it again for good measure.

Adam still stared. Something was telling him to follow those boys to their improbable car. Even though every rational cell in his brain thought it was a massively stupid idea, somehow he knew with unshakeable certainty that he would still do it – get into the improbable car and have pizza with these improbable strangers.

The quiet boy – Noah – nudged him very lightly. Adam, despite his better judgement, started walking, with Noah following one step behind.

“Don’t mind Ronan,” Noah said again, softly. Adam turned to look at him, wondering if he’d misheard. 

“Beg pardon?”

“He’s all bark and no bite. And also he’s just mad because he’s been talking about you ever since you moved in and he wanted to make a better first impression than ‘arsonist baker’.”

Adam’s head was reeling. Ronan wanted to make a good first impression on him – or anybody? Ronan had been talking about him? He had noticed Adam?

“Yeah, most people do,” he replied, a little bewildered.

“Don’t let it put you off him though. He’s a great guy, really.” Noah smiled in a vague, wistful way, only to be replaced by a bright grin a moment later.

“Hope you like avocado on your pizza!”

Avocado.

Adam’s life had just taken a turn for the very, very strange. But somehow, he had a good feeling about it.

[violetbeachpod]

TRANSCRIPT: 1x04 - Phone Call

hello! it’s me. here’s today’s transcript. enjoy!

ROBIN:

I shouldn’t be doing this, right now, I should be writing, I have--no offense, folks, but I have better things to do than this. I have a wedding to plan, a book to write, a--

Whatever. Whatever. And I’m not editing that out, Benji. It’s early in the morning and I woke up to record this, so, hey, guess what, I can say what I want.

It’s--it’s not me trying to offend you guys, you know I love all of you, it’s just--this is exhausting. And I forgot how good caffeine was, even though I’m trying to limit intake, so, uh, I’ve only had one cup of coffee so far, so, like, yeah, I’m kinda grouchy. Sorry. Anyway!

So. Hi! I’m Robin, uh, DaBank. No. That’s not my last name. That’s a--that’s a dumb joke that I haven’t told since I was fifteen, um. My last name’s Harper. I don’t know why I opened with that. I’m twenty-four years old, I’m engaged to the coolest, smartest, best woman on earth, and, uh. Both of us have been seeing some weird shit these last few weeks. So, uh, as that implies, I can confirm that some weird things have been happening in my hometown lately.

I--I haven’t been here, for a few years, I, uh, moved to DC for college and I didn’t really think I’d come back, but, uh, my folks said that they wanted me to have the old house cuz they’re moving to the lake house in Maine for some weird reason, and, uh. DC rent’s crazy, and--our plan to travel the world has unfortunately been delayed by how goddamn expensive weddings are, so, uh, Lane and I moved out here. And it’s kinda sweet. Very romantic, to live in a big house by the beach, watch the sunset every night--but. Point is, I haven’t been here for a while, but when I grew up here? Nothing ever happened that was out of the ordinary. It was a pretty boring town. As has been stated before. Like—we have ghost stories, obviously. A few murders, a few freak incidents, y’know, the—the usual small town stuff. But--

Now it’s different. Now it’s like—it’s full time. It’s everywhere. I’ll be walking, and I’ll catch a flash of purple in the sky—stalking me. And unless Lane or one of you guys is with me, it’s—it’s like, I’m the only one who notices. Everyone, everything else freezes. That—that thing, that kept messing with Ben’s recording, it interrupted NPR the other day, like, halfway through this really interesting piece on urban farming greenhouses that also serve as senior dog sanctuaries, it—I found the full piece on their site, but, like—I missed a full two minutes of it because some robot wants to talk to me about where and how I’ll die.

Um.

I was catching up with a friend the other day—uh, Penelope Scott, the Dean’s daughter, who graduated from Corielli in my class, and, uh, I mentioned, casually, that I was thinking about going to the next board meeting to catch up on that hot parental gossip. You know. Cuz—I babysat a lot of current students there when they were kids, so it’s fairly reasonable, not the worst lie I’ve ever told.

“What board?” she asked, and she sounded genuine, “We never had one, right? It was--it was student council, no parent liaisons. Because we’re independent.” Or something like that.

And I can’t remember either way--like, I assume there was a parent board. It was awhile ago. I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday, much less-it was hummus. It was hummus. I had hummus for lunch yesterday. It wasn’t great. Like--I can do better. I need to buy chickpeas, uh--I’ll text Lane after this and tell her to pick some up.

Or. Now.

[Beat]

So. Anyway. The board maybe doesn’t exist, kind of sort of? Who knows! Not me!

I wrote fifteen hundred words today, of the--of the thing. Of the book, and then I deleted all of them. Because I was so caught up in thinking about this, y’know, like--there’s no room for a Great American Novel when you’re potentially being haunted by ghosts or aliens. Is it even “great” or “American,” though? I--I dunno. I take umbrage with the, like--with the idea of the Great American Novel. But that’s not relevant! At all, it’s--it’s not like anybody’s stayed on topic in their tapes, but, uh. I’m an adult. I--aw, whatever.

There’s something about the beach--this beach, the one I’m recording on, all--all desolate and wintery, all--you know. No one’s here, not even the college kids, cuz they’re scared of it. Cuz it’s probably haunted. Cuz--the boardwalks are worn down, splintery and sand-eroded, and--Lane and I hung a hammock here when we moved in, and we have it all to ourselves and also Douglas. Grumpy old man. Deserves a little cat-sized hammock all to himself. So he can sunbathe without having to jump and hurt those poor hips of his, ugh.

But there’s something about the beach. Something so isolated from the rest of the world, y’know? Not--not, like, when you’re at Ocean City in the middle of August, no, I mean--when you’re alone, and it’s maybe forty degrees out, middle of January, and you’re--maybe you’re listening to some acoustic cover of your favorite 2004 pop song, as is my wont, and--you just feel something. And it’s tugging at you, like, maybe the beach itself is the siren song from folklore. Maybe the beach is telling you to go--to go home, even if you and the beach have different definitions of the word. My definition is--uh. The house. With Elaine and Douglas and the hammock and the fireplace and the messy bedroom and the--the wholeness of it all. And the beach’s definition is the ocean, and the abyss, and what have you.

Except--no. That’s bland high-school level faux-existentialism, and I’m better than that. I promise you. I’m better than that.

But there’s something about the beach. Y’know? Just--just. There’s something. And I think it’s important to all of this, I--Look. Listen. Maybe I was homesick and I didn’t even know it before I came back. I think that’s the thing. I think it’s just delayed homesickness and exhaustion.

Lane and I can’t agree on napkin colors. We argued--not argued, that’s too strong of a verb--about that on the hammock the other night, is--is why that thought comes to mind, and how dumb is that, that we’re worried about that right now? It’s--it’s a lot. It’s--

[phone ringing]

Sorry, uh. Oh, hi, uh--Angie. God, I can’t get used to calling you that, I’m so used to Angela, it’s--nevermind. What’s--

[whispering]

What do you mean?

I’m recording my thing right now. No, you’re--My mic’s not picking you up, I can--is she--? How do you just--and then, poof?

That’s--Look, Laney has the car, right now, so I’ll have to walk or--or u--I’ll do something, It’ll--It won’t be the fastest, but I’ll be there ASAP, okay? As soon as I’m done with this. recording, and I will be soon, I swear, hon, okay? Okay, I got you, just. Just--explain the situation as best as you know it, and. I’ll repeat it into the mic. Piece by piece. For science.

[long beat. heavy, nervous breathing. measured, but nervous. whispers.]

Teresa went missing this morning, uh. Angie heard her get up around five AM.

[another long beat]

She went to the beach, she left a note that said she’d be back by nine. She has a class at nine.

[another beat]

Um. Oh God, um. Benji was up, he, uh--he texted Angie that he saw her by the beach around six. And AJ, who was on his way to SAT prep, uh, he--oh God, he’s so old now, what the hell, saw her knee-deep in the water at six-thirty. He yelled across to her, and she, uh--she didn’t respond. She just kept staring ahead, unmoving. Like she was--like she was hypnotized.

[guess what? it’s a beat]

Angie, hon, I need you to breathe--and they say that she just vanished at seven. In a flash of that dumb--that terrible, terrible light, that--an orb of it.

It’s eight-twelve, right now, and she isn’t back, and--Charlotte already knows, Lane still needs a call, but--

Um.

Angie hung up. Which I get. I--she’s hyperventilating, she’s--I should go over and check on her, I think I can get a rideshare to campus, but--

Oh my God. Oh my God--I--I just, I don’t--

Is she--

I thought the worst it would get was gonna be Charlotte--a baby--getting grabbed, and--roughed up a little bit. And that’s--that’s terrible, that’s terrifying, that’s--

But it’s--it’s not entirely impossible that that would happen to any of us anyway. We’re all--it’s more likely, more understandable to get attacked physically than to get bamfed away in an orb of light, y’know? Like--I’m sure, once this is over, she’ll never shut up about it--when I was, like, thirteen, I was babysitting her, and she made me watch Twin Peaks, like--girl was seven? I think, and making me watch her parents’ Twin Peaks season two boxset with her. What a--

She’s gotta come back, if only for the story of it. Sell her memoir to David Lynch, or whatever. She’ll come back, if only to do that. Love that kid. Hate Twin Peaks season two, but. Love that kid.

God. I’m--I don’t know how to--

I have to go. Uh. AJ’s turn is next week, so--he’ll give updates, but, just--oh my God. I’m sorry. I--I have to go help everybody, I’m--

Goodbye, I guess.

[blame-canada]

Quarter Rests: Change

The CMV Mutation Pandemic swept across the globe so quickly, society as they knew it was doomed to fall. While the world came crashing down around them, Craig and Tweek tried their best to survive, and to love endlessly, in spite of it.

Hello friends! For the September 2017 South Park Drabble Bomb, I’ve decided to use all five prompts to write for the Halfway universe- which means everything here is canon to that fanfiction and its timeline! I hope you’ll tune in to catch a few little tidbits here and there about this universe I’ve lovingly crafted into my own. Link to the fic on AO3 here!

Chapter Five: Change

He wanted most to be an optimist, but life was truly, honestly, not supposed to have gone this way.

Clyde liked to go with whatever life threw at him. It was something his father had taught him, to live in every moment, and something even further cemented by the passing of his mother. With life so fragile and short, he found meaning in taking what he was given in stride, and smiling at the obstacle courses he’d been subjected to in his many years since. This obstacle was proving hard to smile at, though, and in fact Clyde was finding it very difficult to smile at all, even in the metaphorical simulations buried deep in his brain.

His knees were achy from a day spent standing at work. They popped and ground together like they needed oiling, and he shook out his legs between steps for good measure as he dragged his feet out of the lab and toward the locker rooms. He hung up his lab coat- his name wasn’t even embroidered on it. It was printed on a sticker in the back. In this hospital, he was nameless.

He’d studied meteorology, actually. He had only just finished his degree by the time the virus began its destruction, and the cookie crumbled in such a way that when he ended up back at home, the hospital had dragged him in. They were taking anybody who knew anything about biology and was immune. He’d taken one or two courses in college, and they figured that was enough. The rest, he improvised and figured out along the way. It wasn’t where he wanted to end up- not by a long shot- but he’d do anything that might help. Nobody really cared about the weather, at that point.

South Park was always the town you ran away from. You left high school, found somewhere, anywhere else, and bolted for the door. Clyde had never really been a fan of that mentality. He didn’t want to run away; not when his father would be left behind. He didn’t like feeling like his father was completely alone in that shell of a house, made even emptier by the old picture frames that showed a family frozen in time more than a decade ago. They were all so dusty.

When Clyde came back to that empty house, he came back alone. His wife, a woman he adored whom he’d met in college, was buried in a small-town cemetery beside her parents in a family plot. It didn’t make sense for him to stay in their apartment when everything in it reminded him of her, and he packed up his essentials the day after the funeral and went back home. All throughout the funeral, his father kept patting him on the back, as though it was the only way he could ever express his sympathy and total understanding. He would never say he was glad Clyde didn’t have kids, but Clyde knew he was thinking it.

He pulled the lock out of his locker door, and took out his outdoor sneakers and carrier bag, slinging the sack over one shoulder before sitting down on the bench that ran along the middle of the row. He sighed, the bottom of his lungs feeling heavy and weighted. He overextended his arms to pull his muscles apart from their knotted up mess in his back, stiff from a day of staring into machines and computer screens. When the good feeling of the stretch faded, he sagged and hunched his shoulders, arms on both knees that were too tired to tie his laces.

God, he felt so old now. His father picked on him, for acting like a grandpa in his twenties, but it was wearing on him too. The Donovan men were very good at joking, and not very good at talking. He missed being the kid looking for laughs, ripped on by his friends in good fun and screwing around on the playground. Whenever he had to walk past the school yard, he had to look away now; the playground just looked so wrong to be barren and falling apart. Part of him still hoped the world would go back to normal, but part of him told him it would never be the same.

The door to the locker room swung open from around the corner. His attention snapped his head up, straightened his back, hoped it was who he thought it was. The squeaky sneaker footsteps walked along the aisle blocked by a row of lockers, and then their maker turned the corner into Clyde’s lane.

“Craig!” he exclaimed, a smile growing widely at the sight of a familiar stone face. Craig froze for just a moment, making brief eye contact, and he grunted in greeting before looking back down and stopping in front of his locker opposite Clyde’s. “Hey man,” Clyde continued, feeling a slight sting in his chest but forging onward anyway, “how’s it going?”

“Fine,” Craig replied tersely, and Clyde’s smile started to wane, try as he might to stop it. No, he wanted that smile so much. He wanted to be happy. He wanted his friend to talk to him, look at him with any expression besides annoyance or complete neutrality. He wanted a lot of things. With every day that passed, it seemed less likely he’d get any of them.

“How’s the fam?” Clyde asked, finally breaking his eye contact with Craig’s back to start lacing up his sneakers with new energy. Craig grunted again; Clyde’s smile lost another millimeter. His dimples started to fade.

“My dad was looking to part with some old junk you might wanna take a look at,” Clyde tried again, “friends and family discount? I mean, we’re not selling it or anything, but you can take first pick if you like.”

“Why would I want old junk you planned on throwing away in the first place?” Craig said, his voice somehow even flatter than usual, and Clyde officially lost the wind in his sails, slumping forward and cowering like a goddamn idiot. God, he was so stupid. Of course he wouldn’t. The air between them grew tense and awkward.

“Yeah, I guess you’ve got a point,” Clyde chuckled nervously, but when he realized he had nothing else to say, he let out the air he’d taken into his lungs to speak. Craig continued to unpack his things from his locker silently. He was hyper aware of the buzzing of the overhead lights, one of them sounding close to breaking and plunging them into the dark. It didn’t, though, and Craig left without another word.

Alone, with nothing but the ambient noise of a basement locker room to keep him company, Clyde mumbled, “Have a good one.” He didn’t like to let Craig leave without saying it. Maybe it hurt less if Craig wasn’t there to hear him. If he didn’t hear him, he couldn’t intentionally ignore him.

Clyde felt alone a lot, now.

He sang a song to himself as he walked home. He was never very good at singing, but it still felt good, and so he did. The empty streets made him feel much less self-conscious too, and the whistling winter winds provided an echo chamber to make any noise he wanted. Though it was an open street, in plain sight and broad daylight, it still felt private, and so he prayed.

“Hey, mom,” he started, putting a smile on his face for her. When Clyde prayed, he didn’t pray to God. “I’m pretty sad today.” He let the words hang around him, the words feeling wrong slipping past a grin. It helped though, to let it out, and so he did. “I’ve been sad a lot. I hope that’s okay.” Another pause. There was a snow pile that had caved into the walkway that was perfect for kicking, and so he did.

“This sucks, mom,” he admitted. “I wish Craig would talk to me. I wish people could smile more again. Am I not trying enough?” He used the silence as an answer. He turned the corner to start walking down his street. “I dunno. I think I’m doing okay. I think I’m proud of me.” The cold scratched his cheeks extra raw, and he shivered. “I hope Tweek gets better. I miss him, and Craig.”

The wind started scratching at his eyes too. “I miss Sarah,” he whispered. “I miss you. Dad misses you, too.” His next footstep hovered over its place, his will to move forward shattered. His shivering got worse. He doubted it was much warmer at home, the heat having been cut off over a month ago. There wasn’t much difference standing out here than standing in there, and maybe he wasn’t ready to say hello to his father yet. Maybe he needed his mom first.

“Please help them, mom,” he pleaded. Wetness made the wind hurt worse. “Craig needs your help more than I do. Help him first.” For some reason, the silence after his monologue felt much lonelier than usual. He wasn’t ready to fall apart yet though, not yet. He’d gotten this far. He’d watched his wife die, for God’s sake. He could handle his friend not speaking to him. ‘It’s more than that, though,’ the devil in his ear replied.

He stood there for a long time, the wind moving around him untroubled by his presence. His fingers grew numb the longer he stared at the snow, which was making his eyes water. It was the wind and the snow making them leak. He needed to believe that, or he wasn’t going to make it through.

“I love you,” he finally said, unsure who he was speaking to, and with resigned urgency prompted only by the stinging on his cheeks and in his fingers and toes, he trudged on.

[newstfionline]

Learning to Learn: You, Too, Can Rewire Your Brain

By John Schwartz, NY Times, Aug. 4, 2017

The studio for what is arguably the world’s most successful online course is tucked into a corner of Barb and Phil Oakley’s basement, a converted TV room that smells faintly of cat urine. (At the end of every video session, the Oakleys pin up the green fabric that serves as the backdrop so Fluffy doesn’t ruin it.)

This is where they put together “Learning How to Learn,” taken by more than 1.8 million students from 200 countries, the most ever on Coursera. The course provides practical advice on tackling daunting subjects and on beating procrastination, and the lessons engagingly blend neuroscience and common sense.

Dr. Oakley, an engineering professor at Oakland University in Rochester, Mich., created the class with Terrence Sejnowski, a neuroscientist at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, and with the University of California, San Diego.

Prestigious universities have spent millions and employ hundreds of professionally trained videographers, editors and producers to create their massive open online courses, known as MOOCs. The Oakleys put together their studio with equipment that cost $5,000. They figured out what to buy by Googling “how to set up a green screen studio” and “how to set up studio lighting.” Mr. Oakley runs the camera and teleprompter. She does most of the editing. The course is free ($49 for a certificate of completion--Coursera won’t divulge how many finish).

“It’s actually not rocket science,” said Dr. Oakley--but she’s careful where she says that these days. When she spoke at Harvard in 2015, she said, “the hackles went up”; she crossed her arms sternly by way of grim illustration.

This is home-brew, not Harvard. And it has worked. Spectacularly. The Oakleys never could have predicted their success. Many of the early sessions had to be trashed. “I looked like a deer in the headlights,” Dr. Oakley said. She would flub her lines and moan, “I just can’t do this.” Her husband would say, “Come on. We’re going to have lunch, and we’re going to come right back to this.” But he confessed to having had doubts, too. “We were in the basement, worrying, ‘Is anybody even going to look at this?’”

Dr. Oakley is not the only person teaching students how to use tools drawn from neuroscience to enhance learning. But her popularity is a testament to her skill at presenting the material, and also to the course’s message of hope. Many of her online students are 25 to 44 years old, likely to be facing career changes in an unforgiving economy and seeking better ways to climb new learning curves.

Dr. Oakley’s lessons are rich in metaphor, which she knows helps get complex ideas across. The practice is rooted in the theory of neural reuse, which states that metaphors use the same neural circuits in the brain as the underlying concept does, so the metaphor brings difficult concepts “more rapidly on board,” as she puts it.

She illustrates her concepts with goofy animations: There are surfing zombies, metabolic vampires and an “octopus of attention.” Hammy editing tricks may have Dr. Oakley moving out of the frame to the right and popping up on the left, or cringing away from an animated, disembodied head that she has put on the screen to discuss a property of the brain.

Sitting in the Oakleys’ comfortable living room, Dr. Oakley said she believes that just about anyone can train himself to learn. “Students may look at math, for example, and say, ‘I can’t figure this out--it must mean I’m really stupid!’ They don’t know how their brain works.”

Her own feelings of inadequacy give her empathy for students who feel hopeless. “I know the hiccups and the troubles people have when they’re trying to learn something.” After all, she was her own lab rat. “I rewired my brain,” she said, “and it wasn’t easy.”

As a youngster, she was not a diligent student. “I flunked my way through elementary, middle school and high school math and science,” she said. She joined the Army out of high school to help pay for college and received extensive training in Russian at the Defense Language Institute. Once out, she realized she would have a better career path with a technical degree (specifically, electrical engineering), and set out to tackle math and science, training herself to grind through technical subjects with many of the techniques of practice and repetition that she had used to let Russian vocabulary and declension soak in.

Along the way, she met Philip Oakley--in, of all places, Antarctica. It was 1983, and she was working as a radio operator at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station. (She has also worked as a translator on a Russian trawler. She’s been around.) Mr. Oakley managed the garage at the station, keeping machinery working under some of the planet’s most punishing conditions.

She had noticed him largely because, unlike so many men at the lonely pole, he hadn’t made any moves on her. “You can be ugly as a toad out there and you are the most popular girl,” she said. She found him “comfortably confident.” After he left a party without even saying hello, she told a friend she’d like to get to know him better. The next day, he was waiting for her at breakfast with a big smile on his face. Three weeks later, on New Year’s Eve, he walked her over to the true South Pole and proposed at the stroke of midnight. A few weeks after that, they were “off the ice” in New Zealand and got married.

Dr. Oakley recounts her journey in both of her best-selling books: “A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even if You Flunked Algebra)” and, out this past spring, “Mindshift: Break Through Obstacles to Learning and Discover Your Hidden Potential.” The new book is about learning new skills, with a focus on career switchers. And yes, she has a MOOC for that, too.

Dr. Oakley is already planning her next book, another guide to learning how to learn but aimed at 10- to 13-year-olds. She wants to tell them, “Even if you are not a superstar learner, here’s how to see the great aspects of what you do have.” She would like to see learning clubs in school to help young people develop the skills they need. “We have chess clubs, we have art clubs,” she said. “We don’t have learning clubs. I just think that teaching kids how to learn is one of the greatest things we can possibly do.”

Four Techniques to Help You Learn

FOCUS/DON’T. The brain has two modes of thinking that Dr. Oakley simplifies as “focused,” in which learners concentrate on the material, and “diffuse,” a neural resting state in which consolidation occurs--that is, the new information can settle into the brain. (Cognitive scientists talk about task-positive networks and default-mode networks, respectively, in describing the two states.) In diffuse mode, connections between bits of information, and unexpected insights, can occur. That’s why it’s helpful to take a brief break after a burst of focused work.

TAKE A BREAK. To accomplish those periods of focused and diffuse-mode thinking, Dr. Oakley recommends what is known as the Pomodoro Technique, developed by one Francesco Cirillo. Set a kitchen timer for a 25-minute stretch of focused work, followed by a brief reward, which includes a break for diffuse reflection. (“Pomodoro” is Italian for tomato--some timers look like tomatoes.) The reward--listening to a song, taking a walk, anything to enter a relaxed state--takes your mind off the task at hand. Precisely because you’re not thinking about the task, the brain can subconsciously consolidate the new knowledge. Dr. Oakley compares this process to “a librarian filing books away on shelves for later retrieval.”

As a bonus, the ritual of setting the timer can also help overcome procrastination. Dr. Oakley teaches that even thinking about doing things we dislike activates the pain centers of the brain. The Pomodoro Technique, she said, “helps the mind slip into focus and begin work without thinking about the work.”

“Virtually anyone can focus for 25 minutes, and the more you practice, the easier it gets.”

PRACTICE. “Chunking” is the process of creating a neural pattern that can be reactivated when needed. It might be an equation or a phrase in French or a guitar chord. Research shows that having a mental library of well-practiced neural chunks is necessary for developing expertise.

Practice brings procedural fluency, says Dr. Oakley, who compares the process to backing up a car. “When you first are learning to back up, your working memory is overwhelmed with input.” In time, “you don’t even need to think more than ‘Hey, back up,’” and the mind is free to think about other things.

Chunks build on chunks, and, she says, the neural network built upon that knowledge grows bigger. “You remember longer bits of music, for example, or more complex phrases in French.” Mastering low-level math concepts allows tackling more complex mental acrobatics. “You can easily bring them to mind even while your active focus is grappling with newer, more difficult information.”

KNOW THYSELF. Dr. Oakley urges her students to understand that people learn in different ways. Those who have “racecar brains” snap up information; those with “hiker brains” take longer to assimilate information but, like a hiker, perceive more details along the way. Recognizing the advantages and disadvantages, she says, is the first step in learning how to approach unfamiliar material.

[goodra-king]

Transcript of Living Life By Your True Values

Transcript of Living Life By Your True Values written by John Jantsch read more at Duct Tape Marketing

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Transcript

John Jantsch: Hey, marketing today has gotten harder. There’s so many new platforms. How do you reach the right audience? Fortunately, there’s a simple way. LinkedIn can help you speak with the right professionals at the right time.

John Jantsch: Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Duct Tape marketing Podcast. This is John Jantsch. My guest today is Dr. John Demartini. He is a world renowned specialist in human behavior, a researcher, author, and global educator. One of his most recent books is called The Values Factor: The Secret to Creating an Inspired and Fulfilling Life. Let’s talk about values. Shall we? Welcome, John.

John Demartini: Thank you for having me. Thank you. Appreciate the time.

John Jantsch: I read the official stuff that you do, but let’s give people a little bit of background. How’d you get here to where you are today?

John Demartini: Well, I started when I was 17 actually. I had a dream to travel the world and to teach and I set out to do that at age 17, almost 18. By God, I just didn’t give up on it and it just kept emerging..I had a learning problem as a child, I was told in first grade I would never be able to read, never be able to write, never be able to communicate, never amount to anything, never go very far in life. I was a high school dropout and was living on the streets for many years.

John Demartini: But then I met this amazing teacher named Paul Bragg when I was 17 that made me, during his talk for the first time in my life, I thought maybe I could overcome my learning problems, someday I can learn how to read and become intelligent. I’ll tell you what, that was the most inspiring night and the turning point in my life and I never gave up on it. I had to first learn how to pronounce words and spell and practice speech and things. I had a speech problem and I just never gave up on it. I just, and this is the thing I just love doing most.

John Jantsch: At 17, you were still not reading or even speaking well?

John Demartini: I didn’t read my first book till I was 18.

John Jantsch: Was it ultimately neurological or psychological?

John Demartini: Well, when I was very young, I had a speech impediment so I had to go to a speech pathologist very young. And then when I got into first grade, I had what they define now as dyslexia and apraxia. I wasn’t able to put it all together. The only way I made it through school is by asking smart kids question. When you really, really, really, really want to do something and there’s no turning back on it, you can turn your life around. That’s what happened to me. I just had such a desire to win.

John Demartini: I never thought I’d ever be intelligent. I had a desire to be intelligent and man, when I went out on the pursuit of that, it was a relentless pursuit that I had, with the help of my mother, I had to read 30 words a day and pronounce them and spell them properly and put them in a sentence and say it, and I couldn’t go to bed until I had 30 new words a day when I was 18. And my vocabulary grew and I eventually took a GED and a high school equivalency test and a college entrance exam. I went on and then I ended up being a scholar. I just never gave up on it. I’ve read now over 30,000 books and I just love reading, I just love learning.

John Jantsch: And you, people might’ve heard me introduce you is Dr. John Demartini, so you now have even achieved an advanced degree.

John Demartini: Yeah, I did 10 years of college, almost and yeah, I just want to be a teacher, a philosopher and healer. I full-time travel around the world today, researching and teaching and have students all over the world today, every country. I’ve been quite blessed. Been to 154 countries, in this January will 154.

John Jantsch: And you reside, you were telling me before we started recording, in a somewhat unique home.

John Demartini: I live on a ship called The World when I’m there, most of the time I’m traveling. But my residence for the last 18 years is on a condominium, probably condominium ship that travels all over the world and I get off and on as I travel. It’s just a place to write.

John Jantsch: I mentioned that the name of one of your core works is called The Values Factor. I wonder if you could define that term, values factor.

John Demartini: Well, every individual, regardless of gender or age or culture lives moment by moment by a set of priorities, a set of values, things that are most important to least important in their life. In this hierarchy is a set of values that they hold, things that are most important to least important. This set of values is unique to them and it determines how they perceive, what they decide and how they act. Their perception, decisions or actions are dependent on these values and whatever’s highest on their value. They spontaneously are inspired intrinsically to pursue, and this is where they’ll excel and fulfill and expand.

John Demartini: Whatever’s low in their values, lower in the priorities, they’ll require extrinsic motivation to get them to do it. They’ll need a punishment if they don’t do it, reward if they do kind of thing in order to get them to do it. And this is not where they excel, this is where they hold back. Finding out what’s really truly, truly most important in people’s lives and structuring your life through prioritized action and delegation to pursue that is extraordinary in its capacity to build momentum and go on to greater achievement as an entrepreneur or as anybody in any field really. I’m fascinated by that and that’s what the values factor is. How do we get people to live congruently and align with what they value most so they can be inspired?

John Jantsch: Yeah. Let me make sure I’m hearing this right. You’re suggesting that people have these values, even if they haven’t really associated words or names with them, you’re saying that they make decisions based on them and part of the job is to figure out what they are?

John Demartini: Well, if you ask somebody what their values are, they’ll tell you social cliches and ideologies and idealisms that are injected and inculcated from individuals like mothers, fathers, preachers, teachers, conventions, traditions, and morays of the society that they’re subordinating and conforming to. But I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in what their life demonstrates. I look at it and I have 13 value determinants to help look objectively at what their value determinants are.

John Demartini: How do they fill their space? Because things are really important to them they fill their space with. How they spend their time? They find time, make time, and spend time on things that are truly valuable. What is it that energizes them? When they’re doing something behind their values, their energy goes up. When they’re not there, their energy goes down. Where is their money being spent? Look carefully at how they spend their money. It tells you what the priorities are.

John Demartini: Where are they most organized and ordered? Where are they most disciplined spontaneously? What is it that they think about, visualize and affirm inside, internally dialogue with themselves about how they want their life that shows evidence of coming true, not fantasies? And what do they converse with other people about most, about what they keep bringing the conversation to? What inspires them and brings a tear of inspiration to their eyes? What exactly is it that consistent, persistent goals that they’ve been pursuing that are actually coming true, not the ones that are fantasies that are self defeating? And what is the thing that they love studying about, reading about learning, about listening to? I look at those value determinants to get a clear understanding of what their life is truly demonstrating, not their fantasies about what they hope it will be.

John Jantsch: However, would you suggest also that there are a lot of people that 50%, 60%, 70%, 80% of their lives, they’re living outside of those things that you just described?

John Demartini: Exactly. Most people are comparing themselves to others, putting others on the pedestal, minimize themselves into the pit, living vicariously through other people, paying high dollars for other people’s brands instead of building a brand around themselves. And they’re basically doing what Emerson warned not to do, envying and imitating people, which is sort of a death sentence to their self worth and their empowerment. The key is to giving themselves permission to not subordinate to the world on the outside, but to let the voice and the vision on the inside direct their destiny and take command of their life. As Ernest Becker says, “Instead of conforming to the collective heroist, you want to be the individual hero within”. In the process of doing it, most people don’t give themselves permission to do that. They live in the shadows of others instead of on the shoulders of giants.

John Jantsch: If you’ve asked, and I know you have worked with a lot of folks trying to determine these, what gets in the way of people connecting with what their real values are? Certainly articulating what their true values are? What gets in the way of that?

John Demartini: Well, again, this subordination and injected values of others. If you walk in a mall and you see somebody you think is more intelligent than you, you’ll minimize yourself to them. Try to inject their values. You think they’re more successful than you. You think they’re more wealthy than you. You think they have a better relationship than you. You think that they have more social savvy than. You think that they’re a better fit. You’ll think they’re more spiritually aware. The moment you minimize yourself to them and put them on pedestals, you automatically inject their values into your life and cloud the clarity of your own calling, your own mission and your own highest priority. I’ve watched people, I asked thousands of people, sometimes in front of tens of thousand people, and I asked people, how many of you want to be financially independent?

John Demartini: And they all put their hands up, thousands of people. I said, how many of you are? And they all put their hands down most of them. I said that’s because you have a higher value on buying consumables that depreciate in value and you want the lifestyles of the rich and famous instead of actually buying true assets that put money in your pocket and build an accumulated appreciative wealth. And as long as you do, you’ll fantasize about wealth building, but you won’t have the values that will actually make you make the decisions that are actually accumulating over the long term values. You’re letting immediate gratification, consumerism of other people’s brands interfere with the long term mission and vision of building wealth so your money can work for you instead of you working for money all your life.

John Jantsch: All right, so I think we’ve defined the challenge. How do you help people define those in a way that’s actually going to be a guide for them?

John Demartini: Well, I developed this method, it’s being used around the world, it’s a value determination. I have it online for people if they’d like to go online. It’s complimentary. It’s free, it’s private. What it does is it’ll take them about 30 minutes of their time on my website, DrDemartini.com. And what they can do is just go in there and answer it and I’m almost certain the first time they answer it they’re going to write down a bunch of idealisms. They’re going to write down what they wish it would be and fantasize about it and what they used to be and what they hope it will be. But stop and make sure you’re as objective as possible and look at what your life demonstrates, because the integrity of your answers will be reflected there.

John Demartini: And if they do that again a week later, and about a month later they’ll see a pattern and they’ll get an idea of what they’re really life is showing. Because your life to shows your values. It dictate. Your life is revealing it. You can say all kinds of stuff, but I’m not interested in what people say, I’m interested with their living. Their actions speak louder than their words. I go in there and I have them do that. There’s 13 questions or value determinants, they’re free and online and they’ve helped thousands of people and I know that it can make a difference.

John Demartini: Universities are using it for guidance. Counseling corporations are using it. One company went up 1.47 billion dollars when they incorporated into the company. Uniqlo Corporation out of Japan. I’ve used it in governments. I’ve used it in healthcare. It’s a very useful tool to assist people in setting really congruent goals that they have an increasing probably achieving. Because many people set up fantasies for themselves and don’t realize they self-defeat that way.

John Jantsch: Well, is there anything wrong with aspirational values? I want to be kinder, for example. Might be something that somebody would say, “Well yeah, that’s a value to me, but gosh, I’m not doing it. Can I work on that?” Is there anything wrong with that type of value identification?

John Demartini: It’s not a moral construct. Because if I came up to you and I said to you, you’re always nice, you’re never a mean. You’re always kind, you’re never cruel. You’re always positive, you’re never negative. You always up, you’re never down. You’re always peaceful, never raffled. You’re always giving, never taking. Always generous, never stingy. Always considerate, never inconsiderate. Your bullshit meter would go off and your intuitive sense would say, “Wait a minute now. That’s not exactly true. I’m not always that way.” And if I went to the other side and I said, you’re always mean, you’re never nice. You’re always cruel, you’re never kind. You’re always one sided. Again, your bullshit meter would go off and your intuition would say “No, that’s not it”.

John Demartini: But if I said to you, sometimes you’re nice, sometimes you’re mean, sometimes you’re kind, sometimes you’re cruel, then you would immediately go, “Well yeah, that’s certainty”, because you have now an objective. Objectivity means even minded. To set a goal that is fantasy or one sided and pursue it can be self-defeating. But to embrace the reality that we have both sides in our life and not try to get rid of half of ourselves, to love ourselves is liberating at least and very poignant, as far as achievements, because you’re going to have both sides in your life.

John Demartini: When somebody comes up to you and is really, really, really supportive of your values, you can be quiet and nice and very kind to them. But if somebody comes up and says, “I’m sorry but your flight’s been canceled and we booked you in economy even though you paid first-class and you won’t be able to fly this week”, you’ll probably bring out the other side of yourself and you got to know that you have both sides and you have the capacity for both sides and know when to use both sides and love both sides if you want to have mastery in life.

John Jantsch: Do you know there are over 62 million decision makers on LinkedIn? Yeah, and even small and medium sized businesses are making the most out of LinkedIn Ads. They’re using LinkedIn to get their voices heard and their messages to resonate with the audience and it’s not just about awareness either. LinkedIn Ads are driving traffic and engagement. If you want to check it out, try for yourself. LinkedIn is offering a free $100 LinkedIn Ad credit to launch your first campaign. Simply visit linkedin.com/ducttape. D-U-C-T-T-A-P-E. That’s linkedin.com/ducttape. There’s some terms and conditions that may apply, but I urge you to go check it out for yourself.

John Jantsch: You’re not really suggesting some sort of alignment that you’re trying to live, it’s more recognition of here is how you are living and that actually demonstrates, communicates who you are, what’s important to you?

John Demartini: No, what happens is when you’re living congruently in alignment with your highest values, you’re most objective and you’re most poised, you’re most present, you’re most purposeful, you’re more prioritized, you’re more objective. You can see both sides. Can you see right now, with the impeachment of Trump today with the Democrats and Republican, can you see very obviously that both sides are very biased?

John Demartini: Between Fox News supporting Donald and CNN supporting the Democrats, there’s a high degree of subjective bias, which is an amygdala response in the lower brain regions compared to an objective view that every human being has got two sides. We’re human beings. When you’re living congruently, you’re not trying to live in a fantasy of one sidedness, you’re embracing life as it is. And you’re embracing that in other people. The one you’re married to, they’re going to want to be loved for who they are. They’re not going to be loved for just this one side you expect them to be.

John Demartini: And if they’re expanding it, you’re expecting it, you’re going to be let down, you’re going to feel betrayed because you projected an unrealistic expectation on people. But when you expect them to live according to their values, you are more grounded in your expectations and the same thing for yourself. See, I’ve looked at myself and look, you did. I have both sides. I went through 4,628 traits in the Oxford Dictionary and I found out I had every one of them in my life.

John Demartini: And I found out that that was revealing because I’m not always a nice person. Sometimes I can be really assertive and aggressive at times and I’ve got to love all that. I can’t just try to get rid of half of myself and expect to love all myself. I think it’s wiser for us to appreciate people for who they are and not the fantasies we impose on them and on ourself. And that’s why the values factors is helpful to setting realistic expectations on people because you’re going to feel betrayed if you have a false expectation, fantasy projected all the time.

John Jantsch: Let’s go there and try to help me understand, how would a person who goes through the value determination then use that as a guide?

John Demartini: Well, once they determine what’s really that, let’s say the top three values. I’m a firm believer and I’ve been involved in this now 47 years. I’ve been teaching 47 years. And I’ve helped many, many thousands of people, millions of people pursue what they dream about. And whatever’s highest on the value, that is what they are most likely to be consistent, persistent and focused on. That’s where they’re spontaneous. That’s where it’s like a young boy who loves video games. You don’t need to remind me to do his video games. You may have to remind him to do his chores, his homework, and clean his room, but not as video games.

John Demartini: Once you find out what this highest value is, it’s wise to every single day to ask, what is the highest priority action I can do today that can help me fulfill what’s deeply most meaningful today, that makes a contribution to others on the greatest scale, that I can do that is deeply meaningful and transactional, so I could potentially have my vocation, vacation be the same and I can delegate the rest away and give job opportunities to other people to do the things they would love to do that I would like to delegate so I can liberate myself from things that depreciate me and get on with the things that are deeply meaningful and inspire me to make the biggest contribution in the world and to set an example for what’s possible for other human beings?

John Jantsch: I’m guessing because you work with organizations, you mentioned this corporation in Japan, is this something that you feel leaders can actually lead with to empower people by helping them understand this so that the whole team now maybe works better together?

John Demartini: Absolutely. No one goes to work for the sake of a company. That’s the fantasy people have, even in companies that have high reputations. They go to work to fulfill what they value most. And if they have a high value on children, if they can can fulfill what they want for their children working there, there’ll be engaged. If they have a high value on business and they want to rise up in the corporate ladder, as long as they have a place to go and a way of getting there, there’ll be inspired. But nobody’s engaged in something unless they can see how the job duties that they’re doing daily is helping them fulfill what’s deeply most meaningful. And they’re not going to be engaged if they can’t see how the mission, vision, primary objectives the company is helping them fulfill what’s most meaningful.

John Demartini: I’ve developed training systems. I just got back from Japan training consultants and managers and leaders on how to master the hiring process, the inspiring of teams, the leadership, the management, negotiation, sales according to values and respect people to communicate in their values and consider those values when we’re articulating the mission and vision and the objectives we have for our teams.

John Demartini: When we do, amazing things happen in companies. Instead of autocracy and dictator or tyranny that creates revolutions and what do you call it? A social kind of constructs, though the unions and things, you end up caring about another human being to have a fair exchange, to help them with equitability, to do what they love and they help you do what you love. And I’m absolutely certain it works. I’ve been doing it a long time and it’s very inspiring to watch people become on line, engaged, doing something they love doing at work.

John Demartini: And I train people on how to hire people and screen people. I can screen somebody and know if they’re going to be productive before they ever get on the job. And if they’re going to be, as theory Y or X people as McGregor used to say, they’re going to need internal, if they’re going to be driven from within to do the job and be accountable are you going to have to micromanage people and put them uphill and have to remind them with external motivations all the time? That costs the company. But intrinsic drive is very, very powerful in engagement. I specialize in maximizing engagement companies really.

John Jantsch: Because you’ve been doing this for a long time, I’m sure that your knowledge and your experience has evolved, but do you see changes in generationally, in the workforce or in people’s challenges because of technology making this even harder? How has this evolved for you?

John Demartini: Well, the basic principles haven’t changed. Human beings want to fulfill what they value. I can go back to Aristotle and he talked about the voids determine the values of human beings in his time. And he found the highest value was called the Telos. And the study of that was Teleology, which is the most meaningful and purposeful thing an individual can do. It’s not new. I’ve gone down through the great philosophers and synthesize the works and summarize it and explored the brain and physiology of this.

John Demartini: I’m certain about the impact it has. I’ve got plenty of evidence for it. It’s just a matter of not … the technology is a way of expressing the same principles and they give us a way of doing it. We may have now instead of delegating through pieces of paper, we’ll delegate to a communication device and instead of prioritizing on a piece of paper, we’ll prioritize on a device and keeping metrics on a device. But still the principles are the same. I don’t think they’re going to change. I think that’s human behavior.

John Jantsch: Some of the works that you cited, even Emerson 150 years ago was saying some of these same things and you’re right, it’s certainly stood the test of time.

John Demartini: Well, that’s it. I’ve been very steeped in the Greek philosophers and all the philosophers through time. I’ve studied some of the greatest minds I’ve been able to get my hands on and I feel pretty certain that we can reproduce an effort. We can go in and take people that are uninspired and make them inspired. And their inspiration is not because of any external thing. Their inspiration is the second they feel that they can get what they’re really, really deeply inspired by to be fulfilled.

John Demartini: And they come online. As Drucker said many years ago, if we can care enough about a human being to find out what their naturally inspired that competitive advantage that Ricardo would describe in each individual, it’s always an expression of what they value most. And making sure we hire people that are matching the job description so they can maximize that expression, that’s honoring them.

John Demartini: It’s making our company. We win, they win. Not accepting less than that and making sure that we care about people. Equity between ourselves and others and equanimity within ourselves and our customers and our employees goes far. Because if we try to exaggerate ourselves and try to get them to be doing what we want as an autocrat, eventually we get humbled and we get fallen. I think we saw that today. At the same time, if we minimize ourselves, we’ll sacrifice our profits. But having fair exchange, sustainable fair exchange with equity and equanimity, has stood the test of time. And that’s the mastery of communication, our values in terms of other people’s values. That’s what communication really is in a loving relationship, a child relationship, a business, a customer, employee or vendors.

John Jantsch: Speaking with Dr. John Demartini. He is the author of The Values Factor. We’re going to have a link to his website for this determinator quiz. Tell people where they can find you and more about your work, John.

John Demartini: Well, if they would like to find out about what I’m doing, just my website, DrDemartini.com. D-E-M-A-R-T-I-N-I.com. DrDemartini.com. D-R. And on there, it’s just a plethora of educational information for people, hundreds of radios, television. I mean, I’ve done probably 8,000 interviews. There’s a vast amount of information that can keep people busy on there. Just learning and helping them in whatever areas. It may not be just business, it may be in their relationship or maybe health areas, but I’ve been interested in helping people maximize all seven areas of their life and that’s what my website’s for. Because any era of our life, we don’t empower people over powers.

John Demartini: If we don’t empower ourselves intellectually, we’ll be told what to think. We don’t empower ourselves in business, we’ll be told what to do. If we don’t empower ourselves financially, we’re told what we’re worth. If we don’t empower ourselves in our relationship, we’ll be trapped in something we feel uninspired by. If we don’t empower ourselves and social status, we’ll be told the propaganda, as we see on the media. If we don’t empower ourselves physically, we’ll be told what drugs are take and what organs remove. If we don’t empower ourselves spiritually, we may subordinate to something that may be dogmatic or an antiquated. We have to care enough about ourselves to walk authentically and integrally in what we value most and make a contribution to the people if we want to exemplify what’s possible for other people.

John Jantsch: Well, I suspect occasionally you get some pushback on some of your thoughts, but I say that they are more than just interesting. They are inspiring and I think you’re absolutely right. No matter where people come down, they need to make the decision for themselves.

John Demartini: Well, the thing is, if they don’t, somebody else does. And empowerment comes from within, not without.

John Jantsch: Well, thanks John for stopping by The Duct Tape Marketing Podcast and I’m going to have the links for all the things we talked about and hopefully we will get to spend more time together.

John Demartini: I look forward to it and thank you so much for the opportunity to share and anytime I could be of service or it might fit into your podcast, let me know and I’ll be glad to help out in any way. Thank you so much.

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