#He literally sucks so bad he's so annoying for this it's the stupidest shit in the game

[hamartia-grander]

My favourite thing ever is when non-RE fans find out Leon Stupidass Kennedy does a fucking back flip to escape the chainsaws of the Bella sisters.

[chaostroberry1]

Haii can you do a hcs of the Greek brothers (Zeus included but it's fine if you don't want to) to their S/O who is a mortal from the modern era?? I rllyy like your writing especially the Apollo's one ^^

Ofc! I'm sorry for the long wait 🙇‍♀️ I've been eating and rotting in my bed for a while. I dont really know about what you are requesting, there's only very little description. So I'll try my best ^^

RoR Greek bros with modern mortal s/o

Zues

- Mf is old as hell, literally. He'd be asking you all sorts of crap and wonder about the technology you have. He already knows about it, but he does like to stare and wonder what you do all day in that little rectangular piece of technology.

- He also tries to find ways to make you immortal, cus duh, he really likes you. But I think he'd be interested in cute little farm games online when you show him the stuff that you can do on your phone.

- he asks you to buy him a gadget, which you do so. but man, he sucks ass at it. You find him trying to figure out how to use it. Holding it upside down, pressing on all sorts of buttons until you have to lend me some help.

- he's also fond of the slangs and way you talk. He often uses your words too. Like "Lmfao!" Or "LOL!!"

- he wants to learn more about modern society, and everything there is to learn about. Until he found out about google. Mf now keeps on asking the stupidest questions, and even calls his brother's on facetime, just to talk to them about the stupidest shit.

- he'd laugh so loud when it comes to you telling him jokes from your TikTok brainrots and all.

- you talk to him about all the newest things happening, and all. And drama. But I think he's more interested in learning new words.

Adamas

- yes he does use the slangs too. I bet he'd randomly gangsta talk outta nowhere and make the most out of pocket statements.

- give him some love, he's just having fun especially after all the stuff he went through.

- I know damn well he makes yo mama jokes, no matter how old that stuff be. He's older than you bro, he's been alive for a very long time. So you better teach him more to mama jokes.

- your fashion sense was interesting, he wanna dress cool too. So he's gonna force you to show him clothes that he'd like to wear, and he'd pick the edgiest ones. 😭

- he often gets annoyed at how you're always on your phone and not paying attention to him, which makes him wonder what's so good about it.

- you gave him a gadget, which he now likes to watch anime in, or sports probably. Basically anything interesting.

Hades

- he finds you very endearing, and loves you very much. He'd find a way to turn you immortal so that he can care for you forever.

- yes he installed wifi in his place so that you could stay happy, and do whatever the hell you do on your gadgets.

- Bet you bought a TV and watched anime there with him, or maybe TV series or shows. Could even be horror movies. He loves to cuddle up with you whenever you guys watch a horror movie, cus he knows that he'll be the one to protect you when you get scared or tired.

- when you gave him a gadget, he didn't know what to use it for, but you said that he could chat with other people no matter where they at. And even store photos of whatever he wanted.

- it truly amazed him how far humanity had evolved. Now he can just search up anything he had questions about, or facetime his brother's, or buy something for you.

- he likes to listen to songs he finds, and now he's never really bored like he used to be. Maybe gadgets weren't so bad. He knows how to limit himself, and that's why he tries to limit it fro you too. He doesn't want your eyes to hurt, and wants you to get rest.

- there's so many things he wants to learn from you. And how humans do their daily thing. It's amusing to watch.

Poseidon

- Bro he really loves you a lot, he just doesn't show it. But it definitely caught his attention seeing the odd way you talked or acted.

- when you introduced him to a gadget, he just shook it off, not wanting to get into pathetic little things like that, but you insisted. So now there he was.

- he really thought that humans were babied. The fact that they all gotten so lazy over the centuries gave him the ick.

- but he did find some helpful words to use whenever it came to describing stuff. But that's till doesn't help with anything. Like y'all have google, you don't need to waste your time studying when you can just do a quick search and boom, all the answers are there.

- you guys had online shopping, you didn't need to use your legs to do some work when you could just order online. And so much more. Humanity was babied. Everyone was pathetic in his eyes.

- but, you were an exception. Cus he liked you lots.

- I believe that over time, he'd catch himself talking like you, like "it gives me the ick." 💀

- he's such a bitch, but it's ok. Cus it's Poseidon.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball GT 45

✨GT Stands for Generating Trichomania✨

✨Positivity Page✨

This Super 17 Saga sucks, so I’ve decided to give myself a side-challenge of giffing every single time he sweeps back his long, silky hair, like Kevin Nash used to do.  This episode has two such hair-sweeps, so I almost missed one.  But I got them both, plus the one from Episode 44, so we’re all caught up.  Don’t worry, I’ll be making a gallery post soon.

Also, we see the oni who run Hell taking Cell and Frieza away in a cage.  Wait, they’re already in Hell, so where are they taking them to? Mostly, I like this shot because I’m pretty sure this is the last time my favorite character (Cell) will appear in this shitty, shitty show.  Also, I like how Frieza is shoulder-to-shoulder with Cell, so there’s no way his feet can touch the floor.  Cell’s basically wearing him like a backpack. 

All right, let’s get down to business.  Piccolo died in Episode 40, and Goku got trapped in Hell in Episode 42, and then Piccolo tricked King Yama into sending him to Hell in Episode 44, all so he could carry out some idea to get Goku back to Earth.  Ideas?  I know just the place to talk about this!

✨”Good” “Ideas”, Poorly Executed✨

Okay, so this is the stupidest shit...

So this all started when Dr. Gero and Dr. Mu teamed up to build an exact duplicate of Android 17, and then they somehow linked the minds of both 17′s and used them to send energy at each other, which somehow opened up a rift between Hell and Earth.  It makes no sense because they literally refused to explain any of it. One minute the doctors were shaking hands, and then the title card, and then they show them toasting their newly created Hell portal. 

Somehow, Piccolo knows exactly how they did this, even though he wasn’t there.  He was in Heaven the whole time, which sounds about as far removed from Hell as you can get.  Like, people write poetry about how far apart these two things are from each other.  Meanwhile, King Kai and King Yemma, who are literal gods responsible for keeping an eye on this sort of thing, they had no idea how the portal opened in the first place, but Piccolo has the whole thing scouted.

Piccolo’s plan, then, is to just do what the 17′s did in Episode 41, so he telepathically contacts Dende to assist him from the other side.  They send “concentration” at each other, and this is supposed to re-open the portal.  But they have to time it just right, and that seems to be the only real problem they have with it. 

So Goku suggests they use the same chant that he and Pan used to defeat Luud back in Episode 14.  Piccolo is furious about having to use such a stupid chant, but it works.  I’m more furious that they flat-out admitted that this whole portal-to-Hell business was swiped from an earlier episode, and one of the shittiest episodes, at that.  

Also annoying: Just like Episode 14, it takes for-flippin’-ever to get the portal open, because they keep trying and trying and trying until finally Goku suggests the thing that works.  Above all else, GT’s primary mission is to waste time.

Goku wants Piccolo to come with him, but Piccolo can’t move, or the portal will collapse.  This means Piccolo will be trapped in Hell forever, but he says he knew what he was getting into when he came up with this plan.  Goku thanks him, and dives through the portal.  As Piccolo watches it close, the bad guys start to return, and Piccolo decides he can spend his time whoopin’ all the bad guys’ asses. 

Okay, three things that make me livid about this.

1) Piccolo is now not only dead, but he’s stuck in hell?   This is bullshit.

2) Piccolo clobbering dead villains sounds a lot more appealing than whatever Goku does next to round out this series.  If they took it seriously, GT Piccolo vs. GT Cell could actually be a cool fight, so let’s just see that instead.

3) NONE OF THIS WAS NECESSARY!  GOKU COULD HAVE TURNED SUPER SAIYAN 4 AND TELEPORTED OUT OF HELL WHENEVER HE WANTED!

Oh, also, when the re-killed villains return to Hell, they go through the same process as the first time they died, so King Yemma has to stamp new papers to send them back to Hell.  I bring this up because when Piccolo asked to be sent to Hell to help Goku, Yemma refused, saying that once he stamps your paper you can’t change your afterlife assignment, no matter what. 

My point here is that it sounds like if Piccolo had jumped through the portal and returned to Earth, he could have gone through the line again and gotten a new paper stamped, allowing him to return to heaven.  But none of this matters, because Goku can teleport anywhere he wants.  He should have just used Instant Transmission to meet Piccolo in Heaven, and they could have done Piccolo’s portal thingy there instead.  Or Goku could have just teleported directly to Earth, because HE ALWAYS HAD THAT OPTION!

Oh, and why do the dead people in GT lose their halos when they’re in hell?  They get to have halos everywhere else, but in DBZ, every dead person had a halo, no matter where they were.  What’s the deal?  Did they forget about this?  Did they change it for some reason? 

Sigh....

Let’s move on.

✨Is this episode worse than “The Roaming Lake”?✨

Yes, it is.  GT has lost forty-six straight matches with the worst Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z episode ever made.  That’s 45 episodes of GT, and the TV Special, by the way. 

So, when I came up with this idea, my thought was that a lot of GT would fail to clear this bar, but once I got to the episodes with some fighting, things would improve.  I just assumed that an action-heavy episode of GT could overcome all the shitty writing and annoying side-characters.

But so far, that hasn’t panned out, and I think this Super 17 fight provides a good illustration of the problem.  Let me pick out two examples.

First, we have this shot of 17 landing a heavy punch on Trunks’ abdomen. 

Now, the still image doesn’t look too bad.  We’ve even got the thing where it looks like 17′s arm is pushing all the way through Trunks’ body, a classic trope from the glory days of DBZ.  Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if they used this because it was a callback to the 17 vs. Piccolo fight in Z. 

Well, here’s the gif version of this shot.

It just doesn’t work at all.  The whole point of those “my arm went through your tummy” spots is that they’re very fast.  So fast that by the time you realize that it doesn’t make any sense, the action has already shifted to something else.  And that’s sort of what happens here.  The next cut is a closeup on Trunks coughing up spittle as he reacts to the blow, and then 17 rises up behind him.  That part’s kind of in slow motion, and then it cuts to a wide shot of 17 following up with a kick.  I think that’s in slow motion too.

I say “think”, because this whole sequence is very slow, and some parts of the sequence are probably supposed to be slowed down for dramatic effect, but I’m positive that this tummy punch wasn’t supposed to be one of them.  I’m not an animation expert or anything.  I’m just a guy who watches a lot of Dragon Ball Z.

The point I’m getting at here is that this fight sucks.  The story is that 17 is too strong and too fast, and Trunks can’t even touch him.  17′s punches are so hard and quick that there’s just nothing Trunks can do.  That’s the script, but the animation tells a completely different story, one where 17′s punch isn’t hard or quick.  It looks like he’s gently pressing his arm into Trunks, and Trunks is holding perfectly still as 17′s arm passes through him.  Also, the “camera” shakes around. 

There’s just no impact to any of this.  It’s so plodding and slow, and when the characters hit each other, there’s no flashes or other effects to make it feel more authentic.  And this happens all the time in GT.  There’s a handful of episodes where the animators seem to be on their game, but those episodes are always dragged down by the shitty storytelling.  But most of the time, the show is like this, where all the fighters look like they’re moving underwater.

 Okay, next example: Uub tries to jump back into this thing, and 17 removes his left forearm and reveals a machine gun.  It’s kind of like Dr. Cochin shooting Krillin in DBZ Movie 2. 

Except Uub doesn’t dodge the bullets.  He just lays there and covers up his head. 

Super 17 shoots him for a while, and then Uub sort of lays there like “Ohhh, those bullets hurt me so much, you guys!  Now I can’t do anything!”  He’s not dead or anything, he’s just worn out.

And this is the big problem with every fight in this series.  The idea here is to show off all the characters’ powers, and demonstrate which ones are stronger than the others.  In this case Super 17 is outclassing everyone.  The others are no match for him, even when they work together.  And yet, scenes like this completely muddy the waters.  Who is strong in this scene?  Who is weak?

I mean, 17 seems strong because he shut down Uub so easily, but think about it.  If he’s that much stronger than Uub, why didn’t his bullets kill him?  And if the bullets can’t kill Uub, why is he using them?  Why doesn’t he just run over and cut his head off or something?

You could argue that this is being done to show how strong Uub is, but I don’t buy it.  If he’s strong enough that the bullets can’t hurt him, then why is he just lying there, letting them hit him?  Shouldn’t he at least roll out of the way, and try to find some cover?

I want to stress here that this has nothing to do with power scaling.  I’m not bringing this up to talk about whether DBZ characters are bulletproof, or make up some fanlore about how Dr. Mu made special Machine Mutant ammo for 17′s gun arms.  That’s irrelevant.  All that matters is that 17 is supposed to be dominating this battle, and yet we see him using attacks that don’t actually hurt anyone, at all.  He hit Trunks and Uub with TWO Flash Bombers before this.  I think Flash Bomber is Super 17′s finisher, but they took two of those last episode, and they’re still putting up a fight in this one.  And Super 17′s like “Let me finish the job with a really slow punch and some non-lethal bullets!”

Then Vegeta tries to rally, and from here on, it’s basically Vegeta vs. Super 17, which would make sense except 17 already beat him down in the last episode.  Somehow Vegeta lasts longer this time, even though he’s still using his Super Saiyan form, which did him no good earlier.

So while that’s going on, Pan gets fed up and takes matters into her own hands.  She sneaks up on Dr. Gero and puts him in a hammerlock AND a choke hold at the same time, then has Giru hold a gun to his head.  She threatens to kill him unless he orders Super 17 to stand down, and Gero... agrees?   Shouldn’t Gero be a lot stronger than this?  No, wait!  Shouldn’t he be using the receptacles on his hands to steal Pan’s energy?  He could just launch himself into the air, faster than Giru could follow, and drain Pan before she knows what’s happened. 

I mean, what was the point of turning himself into an android if he can’t do things like that? 

Anyway, he orders 17 to halt his attack on Vegeta, but then 17 aims at Gero instead.  Gero is shocked, and then he’s shocked again when Dr. Mu reveals that he reprogrammed 17 to follow Mu’s orders alone.  Apparently, every time 17 seemed to obey Gero, Mu was transmitting the same orders to him.

So 17 betrays Gero again, and Mu gloats that there’s no one left to stop him, now that Goku is trapped in hell.  That offends Vegeta, who gets up and turns Super Saiyan one more time, insisting that he can win this fight without Goku’s help.  Normally, this would be the part where Vegeta gets clobbered for a while, but instead Goku shows up almost immediately, and tackles Vegeta before he can eat another blast from 17.  Why?  Was this the blast from 17 that was actually going to kill someone?

So Goku’s finally here to take on Super 17.  All he has to do is turn Super Saiyan 4 and even the playing field, but no.  No, he won’t do that.  Instead he turns Super Saiyan 1, and starts fighting 17 that way. 

Motherf--! 

Vegeta was already doing that this whole time, and it didn’t work!  At all!  Just turn into a Super Saiyan 4!  What the hell is wrong with you, Goku?!

✨The Blade Braxton Memorial Haiku*✨

Piccolo’s in hell.

Can it get worse? Ask his new

Roomate: Castiel.

[goatpaste]

How would you write Anisui? Would you write him out of the storyline or reduce his role?

nah, i hate him but i dont

i think part of my more strong hate for him came from his twitter fans who made me annoyed with him, but when i actually went back to watch through Stone Ocean i was just kinda like, lol this guy sucks

so truly i range from he's funny and shitty to kinda boring, i dont think his role in stone ocean is BAD i just think he's a bit of a pain and i dont like the way him and jolynes relationship (?) is done b ecause im like? it both feels like were not supposes to take it seriously, but also we should? Because anasui's feelings feel like a joke and jolyne doesnt feel like she cares he exist for the most part, but at the very end it feels like we were supposes? to take it somewhat seriously? when it felts like jolyne had more romantic plot with ermes and foof literally lol. Like yeah i can see them getting married t the end of Stone Ocean if they survived, and having the stupidest funniest marriage that sucks so hard they would get divorced and remarried speedrun style, i just dont think either of them TRULY would like each other if they got to spend more than a day or two together and spoke more than a few sentences

none the less, his role is fine, i think stone ocean is actually really solid writing and i dont have much to say in the way of feeling much needs to be changed beside, ykno like unsavory things ofc

BUT I WILL SAY

i dont think it NEEDS it

but anasui as a Pucci minion somewhat similar to Foo Fighters would have been very VERY fun imo

Him takin the 'honey pot' angle at Jolyne and not just going in guns blazing at her, trying to befriend her and get her to trust him before he can take her out. Knowing how to manipulated Foo and get them to do what he wants to make his plans work out under the idea that he doing all this to 'help' jolyne. Anasui outburst coming from the fact he IS trying to be friends with her to kill her for Pucci, and getting frustrated she wont give him the time of day.

Anasui getting found out, getting the shit beaten out of him and assimilated into the jolyne party similar to foo fighters, but anasui behaves more like his real shitty self which isnt him trying to be cruel anymore he's just kind of a bitch but he's honest about how he feels and who he is and he actually has formed a genuine respect for jolyne. Also him and Foof coming from a similar place of being manipulated and used by Pucci and maybe forming a weird freineamie bond over it...

i just think Pucci Minion Anasui could be very fun is all, thats all lol

[jonnnysuh]

Dating Yugyeom would include

Dating GOT7 would include |  SERIES

Just based off my observations/my perception of him. Obviously I have no idea what dating him would be like but thought it would be fun to do. This is more playful than romantic bc what is romance???

Literally never shutting the fuck up

Having meaningless fights about little things and then going back to normal 

Having your own language that makes no sense to everyone else

Laughing til your stomachs hurt and trying to recreate what just happened but laughing again 

Roasting each other as a sign of affection 

Too many nicknames that have weird origin stories that y’all can’t remember 

Both needing to get your ways so you’ll pout until one of you budges 

He is such a simp tho 

Mocking each other after someone says absolutely anything

Dance battles

saying “YOOOOOOOU” like soulja boi

Resting his chin on your head

BOYBOYBOYBOY ((((you kno like when they yell like a siren)))

“WHY ARE YOU YELLING” “IM JUST HAPPY” 

Having to make the hard decisions for him 

Not being able to complete a task bc you’re both so annoyingly distracting 

Something that should take 30 minutes to finish takes 3 hours instead 

Both being confused all the time so you discuss how things should be done and then fight over it

he’ll purposely hide things to make it hard for you 

Holding things over your head bc he wants to watch you jump 

“You’re a bully” “you’re a bully too” “ya but it’s only okay if I do it” 

Saying the same shit at the same time and hitting each other in excitement

He’s funnier than you but you won’t admit it 

SENDING VOICE NOTES INSTEAD OF TEXTING AND YALL HAVE SHORT ATTENTION SPANS SO SOMETIMES IF YOU DONT REPLY IN A FEW MINS YOU FORGET WHAT YOURE SUPPOSED TO SAY SO YOU START A NEW CONVERSATION  

He has a meme folder and has a meme for every occasion 

Bro he’ll MAKE memes using pictures of you 

If he doesn’t reply within a few seconds it’s bc he’s trying to find the perfect meme or making one 

A never ending game of iMessage connect 4 

How he’d annoy you:

Rock Paper Scissors to get out of doing something but even if he loses he’ll refuse for a bit and then do it

Acting shocked even though he knew something you didn’t 

acting like he’s listening but really he’s doing something else

making you call him oppa or he’s not listening

Laying on his shoulder during long car rides

He makes a big deal about your birthday and will plan everything to a t

He sucks at surprises though bc you he tells you everything

it’s always either by accident like he slips it in

OR you’re like “tell me” “no” “fine” “OKAY I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE WE’RE GOING ON A TRIP TO PARIS”

Gossiping with him and he hates all the people you hate and then will also bring up something he heard about them 

he would tour new places with you on facetime and bother everyone in the process

the facetime photos you guys take are so frightening and confusing to look back on bc there’s so much movement and emotion on your faces

buying you dessert/pastries when you’re sad

LITERALLY LAUGHING FESTS BEFORE BED

IT’S ALWAYS STUPID BRO

BUT Y'ALL WILL CRY LAUGHING TOGETHER EVERY SINGLE TIME

Y'ALL JUST SAY THE STUPIDEST SHIT

“YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS” SHOVING THE PHONE IN THEIR FACE AND IT’S THE DUMBEST FUCKING VIDEO IN THE UNIVERSE BUT WHY ARE YOU BOTH DYING

Every single one of the boys know he’s whipped and he’s embarrassed but also you’re his person so who wins now

he’s literally so thoughtful

he knows all your favourite songs and makes a playlist

flowers and flowers and flowers

he’ll drop anything he can to be with you

will remember your childhood stories better than you

can finish your sentences

messages you every time you post a new picture

“hey this thing made me think of you” text

gets you guys matching chain bracelets/rings

finishes the food you can’t

doing tiktok dances but not posting them bc you’re both embarrassing

but he will start the video literally ANYWHERE.

on the plane? in the parking lot? at a restaurant?

His hand is always on you especially when you’re walking through a crowd

having to ask him to slow down bc you have short legs

Tippytoing to kiss him 

innocent flirting that turns dirty really quick

he definitely likes being small spoon

he talks in his sleep

he has the most irrational fears in the world

“THAT TEXTURE IS SOOOO UGLY I CAN’T LOOK AT IT PLEASEEE”

doing something cute and HE’S JUST SO EASILY LIKE “I LOVE YOU”

always wants to slow dance with you to any song just so he can hold you and lead

he’ll whisper in your ear just to get you hot like fuck offffffffff

his skincare routine takes soo long to do he’ll be in the washroom for 30 minutes

“You’re such a kid”

“Are you a baby?” “YA YOUR BABY”

One of you will start singing and the other joins in but the boys are like shut the fuck uppppp

I feel like he’d like to play wrestle bc this man chooses violence every single time

he can do a perfect impression of you 

both of you will up the cheesiness when u notice that it’s making everyone else cringe just to make them cringe more

be prepared to kill the spiders 

also be prepared to watch scary movies with the lights on bc he is spooked!

Always saying “woooow” sarcastically when someone does something unimpressive

he is an attention whore so when you’re ignoring him he will do cartwheels🤸🏻‍♀️ and try to be funny

making him blush is so easy it’s like a superpower he just gets flustered 

Making a bad decision and saying “yolo ✌️😗”

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

watched s11ep1

i will provide you with a quick review before i disappear back into the ether of twd avoidance

lots of spoilers under the cut. also i wrote way too much and i worked all night and haven’t slept so i didn’t bother to reread literally any of it, so it might be completely nonsensical, tho if you don’t expect that from me by this point idk whose blog you’ve been reading

enjoy:

hokay, first off, i’ll start by saying that i enjoyed it more than i expected to. i’ve been avoiding any sort of discussion about stuff, but my google algorithm is so fucked at this point that i still get recommended articles and stuff every now and then, so i was already pretty aware of what i was walking into, and was expecting it to be eh, but actually i prob enjoyed it more than i enjoyed the finale

(don’t get too excited tho, the finale was rly boring lmfao)

anyway

episode starts off with a tense scouting mission

it takes .005 seconds into the episode for caryl to exchange a look of longing, establishing that they are still having weird conflict and are both too fucking stubborn to do anything about it even tho they hate it desperately

i imagine that will continue for a while

rosita, kelly, carol, maggie, what’s her face with the bad hair, and lydia (i think that’s everyone?) lower down to some army bunker or something, where a bunch of walkers are taking a snooze, and the girls are very respectful of walker naptime, and do their best not to wake them up

obviously they eventually wake up, but i’ll get to that in a sec

as they’re tiptoeing through the walker tulips, there’s this split second where carol spots a machine gun, and looks at maggie with a face like, “can i plzzzz, i am mad horny for that machine gun,” but maggie tells her no. (i 110% expected her to defy orders and accidentally wake up all the walkers, but she actually behaved herself for once. well. mostly)

never fear, tho, after the girl gang collects a bunch of MREs they go back to wait for the dudes waiting up top to pull them up, and bc men ruin everything, one of the ropes break, and daryl catches it before it falls, but then a slow motion drop of blood falls on a walker’s face, and just like that, walker naptime is over, and carol uses her bow and arrow for two seconds before she is like “fuck this” and whips out the machine gun

yes, she is super hot using it

yes, daryl watches her do it

anyway, all the other girls get rescued, and carol is about to be pulled up, but bc she is a #girlboss, she first makes a beeline for one more crate full of MREs. daryl covers her while she gets the loot, and when she gets back up top they have another charged moment as carol hands him back his knife

just fuck already, jfc

titles!

cut to alexandria where everything is still not smilestimes

BUT, we do get to see uncle daryl run and hug rj and judith (and dog), and FUCKING HERSHEL JR, LIGHT OF MY LIFE is also there

istg, they could not have casted a better child, i a d o r e him

oh, and some friends of maggie’s show up too, idk

cut to a staff meeting where everyone is like, whomp whomp, we’re all gonna starve to death unless we figure out something quick

cue maggie going, “oh, i know where food is, but it requires me to tell you my tragic backstory, in case anyone didn’t watch my bottle episode”

she tells her dramatic backstory about all her friends getting slaughtered by the reapers for no apparent reason, and then she’s like “anyway, let’s go back there!”

no one thinks it’s a great idea, but a group of people decide to go anyway, including daryl and gabriel. rosita is super pissed that gabriel is going, and carol doesn’t go, probably partly bc it’s a shitty fucking idea, and also bc they have to keep caryl apart bc otherwise they’ll fix their problems ahead of schedule and they won’t be able to drag out the needless angst

daryl looks kind of annoyed that carol doesn’t volunteer to go 

bitch, i thought you wanted her to stop putting herself in the line of fire! make up your damn mind!

moving on

cut to a thunderstorm, where, if you look closely, you’ll notice daryl is wearing the STUPIDEST hat i’ve ever seen. just get an umbrella, jfc

for some reason negan is with them, bc ig he knows his way around washington dc, and no one in six years has bothered to figure out how to get around the city and/or get a map, and he is like “hey guys, maybe we shouldn’t try to walk in this fucking hurricane,” and everyone is like “FUCK YOU NEGAN, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!” 

this will be a common occurrence 

but eventually daryl is even like “actually, it’s rly unpleasant out here, and my hat is mad stupid, can we go inside plz?”

so they go inside an old metro station, which is actually a rly cool cinematic choice. i rly like the idea, and they executed it rly well

speaking of executions

there are some fucking RULL CREEPY walkers. idk why they bothered me so badly, but they were what they at first assumed were corpses wrapped up in tarps, but turns out none of them had been properly put down, so they go through killing these rotted bodies that had supposedly been there since The Fall, and it’s very gross and cool

this entire time, btw, negan is like “hey, i know i’m a shitty person, but i have some rational arguments about why we shouldn’t be doing this right now,” and everyone is like, “FUCK YOU NEGAN, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!” and he’s just like “god fucking damnit”

(i forgot to mention that at one point, when they’re headed into the metro station, negan is trying to warn ppl of the potential danger, and everyone is ignoring him, and he tries to talk to daryl, and daryl is like “fuck you, you think we’re BUDDIES?” and negan is like “oh, ok, so you’re gonna be like that too? fanfreakingtastic” and it’s very funny)

anyway. a fat monster zombie escapes its tarp at one point, and tries to eat some npc, and negan saves him, again is like “hey, anyone else realize that this is a FUCKING BAD PLAN?”, and everyone is like “we don’t care, you’re still shitty and we’re not listening to you, and you don’t actually care about random npc i would literally not be able to pick out in a lineup bc his face is so generic, you’re not the boss of us!!!”

it’s at this point that negan finally is like, “why am i even here? bc i know how to get around washington dc? do none of you have a map?” and i was like, “right?! that’s what i said!” 

it’s then revealed that maggie only brought negan along to murder him under the guise of “oops, he got hurt in the line of duty, it wasn’t my fault,” and daryl has this look on his face that says, “i seriously need to stop hanging out with lethal women bent on revenge bc it’s gonna give me high blood pressure,” and maggie has a badass moment where she points a gun she has for some reason at negan and is like “i have like, one shred of human compassion left inside of me, and if you keep pushing me i will fucking kill you without a second thought, so shut the hell up”

(in her defense, negan had just dropped glenn’s name to purposely antagonize her, which was rude as hell)

(for the record, i’m completely on maggie’s side here, but negan still is right that trapping themselves in a metro station is a bad call)

anyway, moving away from that briefly

i think this jump cut happens sooner, i don’t actually remember, but whatever who cares, point is, we get to the part of the show that actually matters, and that’s anything involving my love, juanita “princess” sanchez

and also eugene, yumiko, and ezekiel

they are being asked increasingly invasive questions by commonwealth ppl, some of which i wish they actually would of answered (what do they use to wipe their asses with?? surely toilet paper has long since become extinct)

zeke, who is so much more tolerable as a character now that he’s not larping as a king, has this incredibly weird and sort of sexually charged moment with a dude in an orange stormtrooper costume, where he’s like, “i bet you were an asshole cop back before The Fall, you stupid fascist, #fuckthepolice, mb literally? idk, this moment has a lot of pent up aggression that could easily translate to hate sex, it might just be the intense eye contact, but w/e, let’s just move along,” and then he has a coughing fit to remind the audience that he’s currently dying of cancer, and orange stormtrooper is like “lolz, loser, drink some water you dumb piece of shit”

cut to the wholesome foursome sitting at a picnic table in a guarded courtyard eating gruel, and yumkio, who finally has a personality, and princess are like “hey, this place fucking sucks, can we leave?” and zeke is like, “yeah, i met this orange stormtrooper who i think might be dtf and/or murder, so we should probably bounce”

but eugene is like, “but i want some hot stephanie ass, and also some bullshit excuse about how mb commonewealth will save alexandria” which, they left before things went super downhill, right? idr. it was after hilltop fell, but they don’t know alexandria got fucked either, if i recall? w/e, not important

two seconds after he says this, they talk to some people who are like “we’ve been here for four months, or maybe it’s been nine, i don’t actually remember, i’ve stopped processing the passage of time,” and the wholesome foursome takes this as a bad sign, tho that’s just the life i’ve lived as a night worker during a pandemic, so i was like #mood

but then they watch some guy get dragged away screaming to get “reprocessed” and eugene is like “ok, nvm, let’s bounce”

(my theory on what “reprocessing” is, is that they’re stuck in a room and have to watch hours and hours of customer service training videos on vhs from the 90s)

i definitely got my jump cut scenes mixed up bc i think the negan accusing maggie of a murder plot thing happened in between this scene and then the next commonwealth scene, but w/e, i’ll just finish what happens in the commonwealth arch

the wholesome foursome are trying to hatch a plan to escape, except princess, my love, is distracted watching some stormtroopers flirt, and the other three are like “wtf, dude, how can you even tell any of them apart?” and princess then tells them every stormtroopers backstory bc she is brilliant and pays rly close attention to shit, and the other three are like, “this is useful information, thank you for being an insane person”

their plan involves yumiko and eugene dressing up as stormtroopers and leading princess and zeke out of the place, which works fine actually, except on their way out they come across the Depressing Wall of Probably Mostly Dead Missing Loved Ones

they’re about to leave, when princess is like, “wait, yumiko, you’re on here, that’s weird huh?”

sure enough, yumiko  is on the wall, with a note from ig her sister 

the scene ends with yumiko going, “guys...i can’t leave...i have tragic backstory to unveil”

tragic backstory to be continued ig

back in murder metro town, npc and some other npc have stolen all the supplies, there’s a train blocking the track, and a horde of walkers are coming towards them, so things are not going fantastic

they horde is too big to take down, so they start to climb on top of the train car to get away

but dog runs away!

and daryl, being every pet owner ever, is like “gotta go get my dog, guys, try not to get killed while i’m gone, c u soon!” and he ducks under the train and disappears

#priorities

the episode ends with maggie climbing up the train car but getting grabbed by a walker and dangling off the edge, and negan is there and they have a lion king moment where maggie is like, “scar! help me!” and negan is like “long live the king, bitch” and walks away into the shadows, leaving maggie to a potential death

which, while i know isn’t actually going to happen, would be a really fucking funny move on the writers’ part

like, “look, lauren’s back! and now she’s dead, bet you didn’t expect that!”

anyway

my assumption is negan will actually end up helping her up or something, continuing his ambiguous morality bullshit that actually isn’t ambiguous bc he BEAT GLENN TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING BAT WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE IN FRONT OF HIS PREGNANT WIFE

the maggie/negan arch is kind of dumb, but whatevs, i’ll tolerate it, as long as my boy glenn gets justice in the end

anyway, cue credits!

final assessment: good episode. i’m much more interested in commonwealth than the reapers, tho i am hoping that daryl’s personality-less ex turns out to be a monster killing machine with no conscience, that’ll be fun. princess is a gift from god. hershel jr needs his own tv show. needs more carol (and caryl)

the end! going back into my walking dead free chamber! see you next episode!

-diz

[the--blackdahlia]

The Poker Game

Title: The Poker Game

Summary:  Vince Neil, Axl Rose, Bret Michaels, Sebastian Bach, Jani Lane, and Jon Bon Jovi are sitting down for a poker game. Vince is a little low to make the bet, but he knows that his hand is the winner. He just knows it.

Warnings: Language mainly

AN: Tommy x Nikki, Slash x Axl. Just a random crack fic that I came up with because I was bored af.

Smoke filled the room as Axl puffed on his cigarette while Jon dealt out the cars. Vince poured himself and Jani another glass of whiskey, Bret was just sticking to water, and Sebastian was all about his vodka. The six frontmen had gotten together for a poker game, since they were all in the same area for a big festival and honestly, being away from the rest of their bands was a nice little break.

“So, your drummer and your bassist are screwing,” Axl laughed. “I figured it’d be you and the bassist.” He gave Vince a smirk.

“Oh, fuck you,” Vince rolled his eyes. “You’re just jealous that you can’t get in on that.”

“Why would I when I got Slash?” Axl shrugged. “You can keep your nasty band to yourself.”

“Are these two always like this?” Jon asked as he dealt out the cards.

“Yeah. Every poker game they argue like this,” Sebastian sighed.

“Just fuck already,” Bret and Jani said as one. Axl and Vince both glared at the blondes.

“Or not,” Jani raised his hands. “Fuck, you two have a mean glare.”

“Can we just play cards already?” Sebastian asked as he picked up his hand. There was a murmur among the group before they started playing and placing their bets. They played a couple hands, just some light jabbing and jokes, telling stupid stories about their bands and all that good shit.

“And then CC,” Bret looked at his cards. “I fold. Anyway, CC went running off naked down the street just because he didn’t want to eat the fucking peppers that Rikki was going to make him eat.”

“That’s some terror twins shit right there,” Jon laughed. “I don’t know how Vince and Mick put up with it. My band is so tame compared to Nikki and Tommy.”

“They’re hilarious man,” Sebastian laughed. “Those two come up with some of the stupidest shit and I love watching them try to do it while hiding from Doc.”

“Okay, I fold too,” Jani laid his cards down as Axl raised the bet. Vince looked in his wallet, and saw that he didn’t have enough to cover the bet, but he looked at his cards and saw he had a straight flush, 2 through 5, all hearts. He knew he was going to win.

“Let’s make this interesting,” Vince grabbed a card from his wallet for a bar that he went to and just never got rid of, and a pen from the table. He wrote on the back of the card and placed it in the middle. Axl picked it up.

“You’re fucking kidding,” Axl laughed. “Nikki’s gonna kill you.”

“Not if I win,” Vince smiled. The other four looked at the card, which was Vince’s bet. He had bet Tommy Lee.

“I’m out,” Jon laid his cards down.

“Me too,” Sebastian added. It was just Vince and Axl now.

“Okay, show me your cards,” Axl laughed. Vince smiled and laid down his straight flush.

“I think I’ll just be taking my goods…” Vince went to reach for the pile, but Axl stopped him.

“Wow, if you’re this premature in bed, no wonder you can’t keep anyone,” Axl laughed. “Gotta see my cards first, don’t you?” He laid his cards out then.

A royal flush.

“Oh my god,” Jani looked over at Vince, who was staring in horror at the offending cards.

“What the fuck did you just do?” Bret asked.

“Oh god, Nikki is going to kill you,” Sebastian added. “Jon, we might as well order the flowers now.”

“Flowers?” Jon asked, looking confused.

“For Vince’s funeral,” Sebastian laughed a little. Axl just smirked.

“I’ll be getting my new drummer soon,” Axl laughed. “I’m sure Steven wouldn’t mind a vacation.” Axl got up with his winnings. “Night guys. I’ll see you later.” He winked at Vince before leaving. Jani, Bret, Sebastian, and Jon all looked at Vince before excusing themselves too.

Vince dreaded telling Nikki and Tommy what he had done. He decided to head back to his room and sleep it off. He’d figure something out in the morning.

****

Nikki was awoke the next morning by knocking on his hotel door. Tommy groaned and moved closer to the bassist, keeping him in bed.

“Just pretend you don’t hear it and they’ll go away,” Tommy whispered, laying his head on Nikki’s chest. Nikki was about to go back to sleep when the knocking started again.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Nikki pulled on a pair of pants and shirt. Tommy groaned and did the same. He flopped back on the bed as Nikki opened the door. There stood Duff, looking slightly annoyed.

“Duff? What the fuck?” Nikki asked. Duff sighed.

“Nikki, all I can say is I’m really sorry about this,” Duff told him.

“What are you talking about?” Nikki asked. Duff sighed and motioned for Izzy and Slash, who held Nikki against the wall while Duff walked in. “What the fuck are you doing? Let me go!”

“Sorry man. We gotta do this or face the wrath of Axl,” Slash sighed. “Go ahead Duff.” Duff reached out and grabbed Tommy, throwing him over his shoulder. He was glad that Tommy was still half asleep, but he was still wiggling like crazy.

“See ya man,” Duff waved by, carrying Tommy out of the room, followed by Slash and Izzy.

****

Vince was asleep, until he heard yelling in the hallway. His eyes snapped open and he sat up to listen.

“Put me down Duff!” Tommy yelled. “Put me down!”

“Sorry, I can’t. Axl won you fair and square. And I’d rather not fight with him,” Duff’s voice flowed through the door.

“What do you mean Axl won him? What the fuck is going on?” Was Nikki’s voice next.

“Dude, Vince bet him in the poker game last night,” Slash explained. “Axl sent us to collect.”

“Oh no,” Vince whispered. He went to lock his door, but it was too late. Nikki threw it open and glared the frontman down. “Nikki, I can explain…”

“You bet Tommy?!” Nikki yelled.

“I thought I was going to win…” Vince told him, backing up until his legs hit his bed.

“So you bet Tommy!” Nikki was fuming. Mick came in then, staring at the two of them.

“What’s going on?” Mick asked. Nikki kept his eyes trained on Vince.

“Our singer decided to bet my boyfriend in his poker game!” Nikki explained. “And he lost!”

“You did what?” Mick asked.

“I had a straight flush!” Vince defended. “What is the likelihood that Axl fucking Rose would have a royal flush?”     

“Oh my god, you lost the drummer to Guns n’ Roses?” Mick groaned. “That’s just great.”

“How was I supposed to know he had a royal flush?” Vince asked. “That’s like, damn near impossible!”

“But he did. And now you have to get Tommy back,” Nikki growled. “Or I will personally end you.”

“You’re joking, right?” Vince asked. “He’s joking…” He looked over at Mick, who shook his head no. “How am I supposed to get him back?”

“Figure it out,” Nikki growled. “And fast.” With that, he stormed out, leaving Vince and Mick in Vince’s hotel room.

****

“You can’t just kidnap people!” Tommy yelled at he was carried to the area Guns n’ Roses was staying at.

“Vince placed the bet. I’m just claiming it.” Axl told him as he smiled at the drummer, who was placed in a chair. “I just plan on keeping you like a day or something. Just to make Vince stew.”

“Am I being replaced?” Steven asked, looking at Tommy.

“No Steven. Just wanted a little fun at Vince’s expense,” Axl patted his back. “Anyway, welcome to Guns n’ Roses, temporary drummer Tommy Lee.”

“Oh god, this is going to be in a book somewhere, isn’t it?” Tommy asked.

“That would be hilarious. Someone write this down so we don’t forget this when we’re doing drugs,” Izzy told them.

“On it,” Slash told him, already writing everything down. “Well find some random song to credit you or something just to piss off Vince even more.”

“God, I love that we’re all thinking the same thing,” Axl laughed. “Okay, who’s hungry?”

****

“How am I supposed to get Tommy back?” Vince asked Jon, Jani, Bret, and Sebastian. He had gotten the four frontmen together for coffee and needed their help to undo what he had done.

“Another poker game?” Jon suggested.

“Yeah because that worked out so great for him last time,” Sebastian added. 

“You guys are super helpful,” Vince groaned, laying his head on the table.

“Maybe kidnap him back?” Jani suggested. “Not like Axl has armed guards keeping him against his will or something.”

“Are we staging a robbery?” Bret asked. “Because I’m game if you guys are.”

“Okay, let’s go steal Tommy back before Nikki fucking kills me,” Vince sighed, downing the rest of his coffee. He stood up, giving Jon, Jani, Bret, and Sebastian a look that told them if they didn’t help him, he would let Nikki tear them apart too. They all stood up and followed him.

****

“Draw four Izzy,” Tommy laughed as he threw down a change of color card. “And I’m feeling very yellow right now.”

“Fuck you Lee,” Izzy grumbled. “That’s the third fucking draw card you’ve used on me. I’m switching spots with Steven.”

“Nah. Us drummers gotta stick together,” Tommy laughed, giving Steven a high five. Duff just shook his head and laid out a yellow card. “Where’s Slash and Axl?”

“You don’t wanna know,” Duff grumbled. “Bad enough we have to hear it.”

“Yeah, let’s just have fun playing Uno,” Steven added.

“At least you guys are having fun!” Izzy held up his large hand of cards. “This fucking blows!”

“Hey, you’re the one who suggested Uno,” Duff told him. “Not our fault you suck at it.”

“First off…” Izzy started, only to be cut off by the door opening up and five frontmen coming in.

“Vince? What are you doing?” Tommy asked, standing up.

“Uh, this is a rescue Leia. Let’s go,” Vince grabbed Tommy’s arm and pulled him.

“A rescue? I’m not in distress,” Tommy tried to pull free from Vince. He wanted to finish his card game. “Vince, let go!”

“Can’t. Your boyfriend is going to literally kill me if I don’t bring you back. So we have to go now.” Vince told him, the other frontmen stopping the rest of Guns n’ Roses from following them.

“I mean, you’re the one that used me as a bet…” Tommy pointed out.

“I had a straight flush!” Vince defended. He tugged Tommy back to where Motley Crue was staying. Nikki and Vince were watching TV when Vince appeared with Tommy. “There! I got him back!”

“I was having fun, we were playing Uno,” Tommy sighed. He looked at Nikki and smiled. “Hey Nik.”

“Next time you run out of money Vince, bet yourself,” Nikki growled, wrapping Tommy up in a hug.

“You know, Axl’s not gonna be happy his winnings just walked off, right?” Mick told them. “And we’re still here with them for two more days.”

“Neil!” Axl’s screech came from the hallway. Axl burst into the room with the rest of his band right behind him. “I was going to give him back like tomorrow before your set! You can’t just take him!”

“He’s our drummer, I’ll take him back,” Vince crossed his arms over his chest.

“You bet him in the first place!” Axl screamed.

“You shouldn’t have put the stakes so high!” Vince called back. Tommy, Nikki, Mick, Izzy, Steven, Duff, and Slash all looked at each other as the two frontmen yelled at each other. Nikki motioned for them to all leave, and Duff nodded. The two bands made their way out of the room, leaving Axl and Vince to yell at each other.

“Where’d they go?” Vince asked.

“Damn it! You lost them!”

“How did I lose them! This is your fault!”

“Oh fuck you Neil!”

“You wish!”

****

“Draw four Mick,” Izzy said, about to lay down the card, but one look at the other guitarist had him changing his mind. “On second thought, I think I’ll just play this seven on that seven…”

“Good choice,” Slash laughed.

“Why are we playing Uno again?” Duff asked.

“Because it’s fun,” Tommy told him. “Right Nik?”

“Right,” Nikki nodded, peeking over Steven’s shoulder at his cards.

“Maybe we should make Vince and Axl play this game instead,” Steven pulled his hand to his chest so Nikki couldn’t see. The bassist gave him a sheepish smile.

“They’d still find a way to screw it up,” Slash told them, laying down his card. Two left and…

“Uno!” Tommy called out, jumping up and smiling.

“I hate this game,” Izzy sighed.

“You’re just jealous you never win,” Mick laughed. “Come on drummer, win already so we can play Slapjack.”

The End

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[itsclydebitches]

Car - Even after 6,000 years they still need a bit of a nudge. Maybe the Bentley can help with that.

***

Everything went to shit the morning Crowley parked the Bentley across from the shop, music blaring so loud that it shook the panes of every window a block down and drew him a record number of dirty looks. Crowley grinned at all the little humans, enjoying the feeling of hot metal against his arm and the vibrating base. When Aziraphale stuck his head out the door with a comically offended expression, well. Crowley most certainly enjoyed that too.

“Hello, Aziraphale!” he called. His voice had to rise past the capabilities of normal vocal cords to be heard.

“Turn that down!”

“Sorry?”

“Turn it down, Crowley!” Azirphale’s arms did a funny kind of pressing motion.

“Yeah, no, really didn’t catch that. You’ll have to speak a bit louder!”

Which resulted in Aziraphale puttering across the street to join him because the day his angel raised his voice above a gentlemanly reprimand was the day the world ended.

And as they now both knew, that was permanently on hold.

“Enough,” he growled, reaching across the steering wheel to press uselessly at all the knobs. Crowley shut the music off himself with a secretive snap. “Are you trying to deafen every one of my neighbors? Or summon the cops? Really, Crowley, the last thing we need is them poking about when I still have texts whose placement here I can’t exactly explain in writing. Do you want to tell them why there is a Georgian Bible without a paper trail?”

Crowley just grinned and set himself to the task of enjoying this interaction. It was all a little goldmine: Aziraphale’s arm pressed against his chest in an effort to reach the controls. How his hair lifted slightly at the tips because he tended to unfurl his wings when annoyed and even across dimensions those could produce a breeze. The way he still, after centuries, had no real idea how the police force worked. Yes, Zira. They’re going to respond to a noise complaint and then segue into breaking down your door, terrorizing a pouty bookshop owner purely for the fun of it.

...actually, that sounded like a lot of coppers Crowley knew. Maybe Aziraphale understood more than he gave him credit for.

“Sorry, angel. Just got real into that song.” Crowley wouldn’t have been able to name the song if his immortal life depended on it. He’d just let the Bentley pick whatever on the way here. “Up for a spot of lunch?”

It was their routine. A planned interaction that Crowley knew by heart and was thus safe to indulge in. He’d show up ‘unexpectedly’ outside the shop. Do something to invoke Aziraphale’s ire. He’d then spend a few moments memorizing his reactions like after 6,000 years there was anything left to learn (there was). Then Aziraphale would make his token protests, cave, and off they’d go. In the face of change—of the biblical sort. Of the “We’re on our own side now” sort—Crowley sometimes felt like routine was the only thing holding him together.

So something cracked when Aziraphale ignored his question entirely.

“Zira?” Crowley leaned out the window to get a better look. Aziraphale was now circling the car with a staggeringly guilty expression, hands twisting at the lowest button of his vest. Crowley was a second away from tumbling out and finding whatever had put that look on his angel’s face when he began to speak.

Not to Crowley though.

“I am so very sorry, my dear,” he said, seeming to address the Bentley’s hood. “I was quite cruel to you the other day, wasn’t I? Hardly sparing you a glance when you went up in flames like that. Yelling at Crowley to hurry things along. Oh... it must have hurt. Did it hurt? I’d imagine so. But please know that wasn’t at all an accurate representation of my feelings for you. Those were some rather extreme circumstances and I fear I was a bit out of my depth at the time. You see, I was forced to possess a woman by the name of Madam Tracy—a rather harrowing experience, all things considered—and there was an angry man pointing a gun at us, and the world was just about to end, you see, though I suppose you probably already knew that part—”

Crowley stared. Aziraphale was apologizing to his car.

Aziraphale. Was apologizing. To his car.

By the time he was done (finishing with a kiss to the front left light) Crowley had slithered down into his seat and was desperately trying to remember how to function.

“Crowley?”

“Hngg.”

“Whatever are you doing?”

“Suffering.”

“Suf—? Really. You show up here doing damage to all our eardrums and have the nerve to talk about suffering? Are you taking me to lunch or not?”

He’s perfect, Crowley thought, fumbling with his keys. He’s perfect and he just gave my car a more passionate love confession than I could ever hope to get.

If the Bentley seemed to have more of a purr to its engine that day Crowley chalked it up to his damaged hearing.

***

Scratch that, everything went to shit the day his Bentley realized they’d escaped the end of the world.

“It’s not alive,” a child had once told him, staring as Crowley yelled at the car for daring to stall on him. That was in the early days of their relationship. Winter of 1926, before they’d crossed many thousands of miles together, outrun other demons, discovered a shared love of music, had that wonderful romp across the Thames. Walking on water? Please. Try driving on it. Watch and weep, Jesus Christ.

That was far in the future though. Crowley had grown soft in his old age—really—and 1920s him wasn’t quite as forgiving. He’d figured a good reprimand was better than just magic-ing the problem away. This new Bentley needed to learn who was boss.

And here was this kid saying the stupidest things.

Crowley had looked her over. Wealthy little thing if that coat and frock was any indication. She’d been sucking a lolly and watching him like she’d ditched her shopping-obsessed mother and now had nothing better to do. Which was probably exactly what had occurred.

“How old are you?” he’d asked.

“Twelve.”

“Twelve years old and you’re saying nonsense like that?”

She’d gone so far as to stamp her foot, cheeks bulging from candy and indignation. “It’s not nonsense!”

So Crowley made a faulty approach—damn ice patches—and knelt down in front of her. He pointed upwards at a chaffinch. “That bird alive?”

“Well of course,” she’d said.

“Don’t ‘of course’ me, I’m about to blow your mind. Is the tree it’s in alive?”

“Uh huh.”

“Yeah, right, both agreeing on that. Okay, how ‘bout the sun shining through its branches?”

For the first time the girl had hesitated. Crowley jumped on it.

“Ah ha!” he crowed. “Bit tricker, eh? Lots of science folks out there who might try to make that case. Is a river alive? Maybe not, but if it is does that make the rain alive too? All the pretty things it freezes into?” Crowley scooped up a handful of snow, dumping it over the girl’s head. She had jumped and squeaked but didn’t run. “Life’s a messy thing, kid. All those blurry lines for metal and heat and water and light. So if I take those blurry things and change them up until they’re a car—” he waved both arms at the Bentley. “Don’t you think the car’s a bit of a blurry thing too?”

The girl had bit into her lip. It was red with cold and nibbled raw. “...Maybe.”

Crowley nodded. “Last question: am I a man or a snake?”

“A man!”

“And that’s why you don’t go telling strangers their cars aren’t alive.” Crowley stood. He made a sound like a buzzer in the back of his throat. “Wrong answer, kid. But you’re asking questions so I guess you’re not all bad.” He’d miracled up another lolly and shooed her off. “Go find your mum.”

Crowley never had the slightest doubt that his Bentley was alive. Maybe it appreciated that certainty because their relationship got a whole lot better after that. Ninety-three years and no more stalling.

Today, in 2019, Crowley wished dearly that the Bentley was just a hunk of metal.

“Surely this is bebop,” Aziraphale said. Crowley resisted the urge to lay his head on the steering wheel and just give up completely.

Actually, who was he to deny himself anything?

“Please watch the road!”

“You watch the road,” Crowley mocked, swatting Aziraphale’s hand away as he attempted to gain control. During it all Diana Ross crooned from the speakers.

Two hearts, Two hearts that beat as one Our lives have just begun...

He didn’t own any Diana Ross. He hadn’t turned on the radio. The song was just there as soon as they’d started off and Crowley was this close to selling the Bentley for scrap metal.

Because it had been doing this for days now. Anything Crowley wanted to listen to while out and about on his own? Sure. That was just fine. When Aziraphale decided to join them?

Cheesy love songs galore. Crowley’s hands tightened until his knuckles went white. He hoped the Bentley could feel it.

“Angel, do you have any concept of what bebop actually is?”

“Well...” Aziraphale faltered. “I know all the young kids are into it and this woman’s voice is quite risqué.”

“Literally none of that is right. Not a lick of sense. It’s 2019 how do you even function?”

The music increased in volume.

'Cause no one can deny This love I have inside And I'll give it all to you My love, my love, my love My endless love

“I’m setting you on fire again,” Crowley growled and pretended like he couldn’t hear Aziraphale humming along as the song repeated.

***

The next day Crowley opened the Bentley to find a bedazzled BEBOP charm hanging from his rearview mirror. The tacky monstrosity caught all the light as it slowly, spitefully rotated.

With a yell he chucked it into oncoming traffic. It was back again by lunch.

Aziraphale loved it.

(So fine, yeah, he guessed it could stay.)

***

After that more changes started to appear. Things that Crowley had never even thought about, let alone purposefully brought into existence. His Bentley suddenly had a cupholder for Aziraphale’s mugs of tea. There was extra space in the back for transporting books. One minor, throwaway comment about the sun being too bright and suddenly there were tinted windows, for heaven’s sake.

Crowley understood that his Bentley was alive, but it wasn’t supposed to have agency. Theoretically none of this stuff was bad, but who the fuck did the Bentley think it was, coming up with it all first?

By the time Aziraphale was commenting on how soft the seats were Crowley had had enough. He drove the blessed machine out to Tadfield with the express purpose of accosting an eleven-year-old.

“Did you give my car free will?!”

Adam was, objectively, the child most used to dealing with weird shit in his life. (Outmatched only (perhaps) by a young man named Warlock who’d had the dubious honor of growing up with a literal angel and demon over his shoulder. Both of whom were fools.) After coming into unfathomable power, nearly bringing about the end of the world, watching your not-Dad rise from the Earth in a fiery display, and then re-writing said world back to its basics, having a scrawny man yelling about free will while you were trying to eat ice cream didn’t even make the list of Top Ten Things I’m Dealing With Right Now.

So Adam dug more forcefully into his soft-serve. “Hey, Crowley.”

“Yeah. Hey. Nice day I guess.” It had occurred to Crowley right after he’d nearly hit the low wall of the Madisons’ garden and started shrieking at a group of children that this display would, perhaps, not be well received by the locals. And who wanted to deal with locals? So he reigned it in a bit and tried for a cheery wave at Mrs. Madison.

She scowled like a pissed-off peacock.

“Aren’t you going to say hello to us too?” Pepper demanded. She sat on the grass between Adam and Brian, the three of them trading ice creams every few moments. Adam now had the popsicle while Pepper had the soft serve and Crowley was decidedly not imagining him and a certain angel doing the same.

Wensleydale was off collecting ants to do Things with later.

Crowley sighed. “Hey, Piper.”

“Pepper.”

“What was your name again? No wait, never-mind, really don’t care. You. Antichrist—”

“Adam.”

“Adam. Did you mess with my car or not?”

Adam took the cup of cookie dough from Brain and exchanged a Look. The sort of Look that only children could pull off after numerous adventures together, filled with an hour’s worth of conversation boiled down to just a few ticks and movements of the mouth. He then exchanged the same with Pepper. Wensleydale was still too far off to hear the conversation, but he looked back as if hearing an unvoiced call, giving Adam a thumbs up. Throughout it all Crowley stood with hands halfway mashed into his pockets, shifting weight from foot to foot. He could feel Mrs. Madison boring into his back.

The moment was a short one, but what passed within it was given a great deal of consideration and weight. See, the Them hadn’t the slightest clue what Crowley was on about and Crowley, it seemed, was working under a number of assumptions that led to him not explaining himself one bit. Cars? Free will? Adam’s eyes strayed to the Bentley and while he could admit that it was a very nice looking car—if old—that was really all he had to say about the thing. He hadn’t exactly composed an itemized list of everything he’d wanted during the confrontation at the airbase. The only thing he’d been able to articulate within his mind was a Dad, Daddy, my Daddy in a voice that had sounded far younger than he actually was. Everything else had just been a ripple coming off of that. Now Adam experienced the same feeling as when Mr. Fell had called him up to thank him for the new books and Adam had responded with a “Wut?”

What the Them did know was that this was all very important to Crowley. Adam’s potential involvement got him riled.

So Adam gave the only logical answer he could in that moment.

“Yes,” he said.

The result was, to use a phrase, bloody spectacular.

Adam got back his original soft-serve. Pepper had the cookie dough. Brian the strawberry pop. They ate contentedly as Crowley went on a surprisingly creative rant about how kids could not and should not and in the future would not be messing with his car. Off to the side Wensleydale pulled out his phone to record the display, taking time to zoom in on Mrs. Madison’s expression.

Adam was still pretty out of his depth, but after a detailed account of all the Bentley’s new behaviors he felt a niggling suspicion and was compelled to say, “Kinda sounds like it’s trying to tell you something. Maybe you should listen?”

Crowley turned the same shade as his hair and Wensleydale, cackling, started uploading to Youtube.

***

“Dear, Adam tells me there’s a record of you on one of these social media sites. Would you perhaps show me how to—”

“Don’t click that!”

***

One week later the Bentley stalled.

Crowley stared in shock as it inched a couple feet, a couple more, and then stopped completely, out in the middle of goddamn nowhere. Well, not really. After hearing a highly edited version of Crowley’s visit to Adam, Aziraphale had insisted on a proper get-together the weekend following. Now here they were, partway between rural visit and urban home. There’d been food and drinks and piling far too many people into Anathema’s little cottage, all the things that might have interested a demon if Crowely had been able to focus on anything other than the smell of Aziraphale’s skin.

Another new cologne.

“Ah, Crowley...?” He spoke now, light and hesitant. “Did you mean to stop here?”

‘Here’ was a deserted stretch at 9:13pm, the stars their only light for miles. 

“No.”

“Can you—?”

“No.”

Crowley knew it with a certainty that set his teeth on edge. He couldn’t just miracle them going again. The Bentley wouldn’t allow it. Maybe it really was the influence of a kid capable of warping reality in ways no angel or demon ever could. Maybe it was just the result of decades spent in the presence of occult and celestial entities, soaking up a bit of power then and there until it had something worthwhile. (And if that was the case Crowley was terrified to think about what Zira’s bookshop might be turning into.) All he knew for sure was that his Bentley was different now.

Acting like a goddamn, meddlesome brat.

Aziraphale had shifted this way in his seat, that way, perhaps finally acknowledging to himself that he knew nothing about cars and therefore could do very little to help. Crowley heard a few more noises on his left and then, “The doors are locked.”

Of course they were.

“Angel—”

“Dear—”

Something about Aziraphale’s tone made Crowley pause. Swallow down the rising excuse and finally look at him.

It was quite the sight. Aziraphale’s cheeks were pink from Anathema’s wine and one of his curls was plastered to his forehead, a victim of the heat. Through the window Crowley could see the play of shadows along the fields, the stars he’d help hang, the moon nearly full. All of it paled in comparison to Aziraphale’s eyes though. Crowley figured 6,000 years, an unknowable amount of time before that... he’d still never seen anything like them. Most days he chalked it up to Aziraphale being all angel-y. On rare occasions he acknowledged that none of the other wank-wings’ eyes looked like that.

Love had a tendency to color the things it touched.

“Are you perhaps trying to tell me something?” Aziraphale whispered, a soft smile playing at his lips. It drew Crowley’s gaze.

He swallowed. “Not me.”

“No?”

“Uh-uh. It’s the Bentley’s doing...”

“Ah, I see. Well, we wouldn’t want to disappoint your precious Bentley now would we?”

Aziraphale moved first. Six goddamn millennia and now he crossed the divide, pushing himself into the driver’s seat and half into Crowley’s lap. His hands made a beeline for his hair and cheek—one thumb tracing up towards the tattoo—and Aziraphale only paused for one more moment, six millennia plus one, his expression one of absolute rapture. Then he sighed and closed the gap.

Their first kiss tasted like something ineffable.

The Bentley began slowly making its way back towards London, leaving its occupants free to continue what they’d finally begun.

“I think,” Aziraphale laughed, pulling back as the scenery flashed by. “That this is the perfect speed for us.”

[royalrastafariannaynays]

88 or 85 please bonus points for a happy ending

“You’ve never been loved, I can tell.”

The voice seeps into your mind like so much cloying cheery-sweet poison. It’s hot around your neck, branding into your skin with every move and scorching your tongue as you gasp for breath.

“That’s not true–” you start, eyes squeezing open for a bitter and blinding second before a boot catches you in the gut, and you curl back in on yourself, coughing out against the toxic gas in the room. It’s just enough to cause you pain, but not enough to knock you out or kill you. Its ‘Condy’s Special Blend, baby boy,’ she’d said. 'Perfect for humans, ineffective on trolls, cooked it up myself.’

“What? You think he would come?” She cackles. “For you??”

You try to stop coughing, turn over into a pocket of slightly cleaner air and hold your face to the cold, cold concrete floor. Closer to the floor, less gas. It’s a kinda warm gas, so you think that’s probably true, anyway. John… John said he’d come for you. He always would come for you, no matter what stood in his way. He would understand, he would see your truth, he would hold your face and smile into it and kiss your forehead in the stupidest approximation of intimacy you’d ever seen, and he–

Another kick, and you’re coughing again.

“Dirk,” she murmurs, coming around to your front again. Her heels click and clack on the floor, her hair grazes your face and you muster up the strength to flinch away from it. “Dirk, Dirk, Dirk.”

The gas not only makes breathing hurt, and your head feel woozy, but it’s like something is sucking the life out of you bit by bit. Somewhere in your brain you’re supplied the term 'tranquilizer’ and you sigh as much as you can between rasps of breath. It couldn’t be taking your literal life force away. And why would she do that? You wouldn’t be able to give her information anymore if you died.

“You gave away the location of your base, Dirk. Sure it was the smaller one you’d just vacated, but you left yourself there alone to be pulled out as a sacrifice,” she simmers, claws digging into your chin and cheeks as she turns your head. Your eyes squeeze open, to find hers inches away. “You knew you had so much information to give me, and you still gave yourself up. For what?”

You know the answer to this one, and you just barely resist spitting right on her overblown and tacky glasses.

She smiles wickedly at your weak approximation of a scowl, and draws a line down below your eye.

“You think he ever loved you, knowing that you would sacrifice his precious little resistance, just for your little brother and sister?”

With that line, your will crumbles. That one line from the one who would eradicate your species if given a chance. You’re prone here in her personal gas chamber, about to be siphoned for secrets and codes and tortured with hallucinogens until you don’t even remember your own name. You’ve seen video of it being done. One of the prisoners chewed off their own hand while alone and bled out on the floor.

Every time you blink, John is there, gazing at you across an empty research hall, confused at what you’re doing. Why you would want to stay behind when you knew that everything was already gone from the premises. Two operatives captured meant that the facility was to be moved, and everything was to start over. And there in your lab coat, when you kissed him goodbye, you couldn’t look at him.

John was your perfect balance. He was there to tear you away from your work even if it was important, because you were more important. Kicking and screaming, you would be grabbed around the middle and dragged into the kitchen, where he would feed you some kind of awful recipe he had thought up. Itd be served on the plate Dave accidentally dropped and broke when he found out you were casually seeing each other. And there would be hot tea (decaf, because you consume entirely too much stale coffee) in the mug Dave bought for you when he found out you were 'going steady’.

You would eat the food. With the silverware John had scavenged from the burning husk of his late father’s house, and with one of his hands on the small of your back. In that warm spot that was just nice enough to be both distracting and comforting. If John was lucky, you hadn’t slept for a few days, and he’d be able to pull you into your military-grade cot in your quarters.

The gas you’re inhaling is nothing like that.

Grief hits you like a freight train, solid and impossibly painful right in the middle of your sternum.

“You know it’s the truth,” The condesce purrs, letting your face go. Your cheekbone hits the floor with a hollow sound, bound to bruise some very ugly colors. Your eyes slip down to half-mast, and you listen to her footfalls as she walks around to the gas extruder in the corner. A button clicks and a valve hisses, and soon, you can breathe again.

And she’s right.

There’s no way he could have loved you. No way he actually looked at you over poker that night in the canteen, when you were both failing miserably, and thought you were…

'Something else,’ was the term he used. You were never sure exactly what that meant. Countless times he had waxed poetic about your skin or hair or freckles or the depth behind your eyes and your determination to succeed. And a bunch of other things, of course. But there’s no way that he looked at you and saw anything but bags under your eyes, gangly limbs, OCD, stress, tension, bad dietary habits, scars from drug addiction, anything. There is no way.

It’s been twelve days and eleven nights total here in this gas chamber. Maybe more? You’ve only counted what you were awake for. So however long you’ve been here, he would have come for you already. Or you would have heard something, or–

There’s the sound of a scuffle outside the glass. You would turn and look, but you’re too weak. Too bleeding and battered and broken. And it would be pointless, anyway.

There’s another hiss from the gas machine in the corner. Something sweet goes back into your lungs, and your whole body feels light. Everything is woozy and the world is spinning so hard. When you close your eyes, it only gets worse. Your stomach heaves but nothing comes up, only the bitter taste of acid on the back of your tongue.

“Dirk!” You hear, as if through a fog. You close your eyes, and John is there. He’s wearing his combat fatigues in the research hall, sprinting toward you with an arm outstretched. He looks angry, so angry. Black ooze spills from his mouth, and pus from the corners of his eyes. He says your name again, and a low moan seeps from your throat. A gentle 'no,’ an admission of failure, a desperate cry for help.

You’re flipped onto your back, and you can only tell from the fact that your eyelids turn red on the inside. The red turns to blood and lava. You hear a gunshot, and a thud, and a ripping noise, and magenta pours into your range of vision with no preamble. A blade clatters to the ground. You’re still facing up. Why?

The magenta begins to smile, touches your face in a way that you know means beatings. Another low moan.

Muffled voices are shouting and you can barely move your arms up to swipe at the pink that runs in rivulets down the domed ceiling, making hands and smiles and teeth and John looking so, so, so, so confused.

After that, everything goes to black.

……….

When you wake up, it’s to the aroma of fresh vanilla. Some noises you can’t identify yet flit along the edges of your senses. The blurry sensations of the sheets under your fingers, and the tubes wrapped around your arms, accompany the faint beeping of a heart monitor. Coming to awareness is always strange for you. It’s part of why you don’t really like sleeping a lot.

Fabric rustles, you can tell what that is now, and you lift your eyelids with no small effort. The smell of vanilla is also a little sugary, and almost like heat. There’s something around your chest that’s tight and making breathing annoying. Did you… ah. Right. Broken ribs.

A glance to the right yields you someone you’d never expected to see again, shoving a cookie into his mouth and trying very hard to not seem as upset as he is. It’s fair to assume he’s keeping a straight face for the sake of the rest of the resistance.

A cool hand touches your forehead, and your inspection of John is interrupted as someone softly gasps, bringing attention to you. It’s a troll with something like greenish-gray skin and black painted over her well-manicured claws. She’s wearing a smock that has a couple smears of blood on it, and she looks very tired. Must be the end of her shift?

“You’re awake!” She exclaims gently, and very quickly she’s taking all possible vital signs and a sample of blood from your vein catheter. She hurries off before anything else can be said to her, and you frown and sigh. You made it back.

Don’t you feel fucking stupid, huh.

“Hey,” John’s voice murmurs from beside you. Now that you’re more alert, you see the lines on his face, and the flour stains on his clothes, and you know he’s been stress-baking.

It hurts, but you try to tilt your body to him to make the pain of your neck a little less. It has the opposite effect, and spikes of white-hot shoot through your body like you’ve been electrocuted and then stabbed all over. Curses pour from your tongue and his through your teeth, and you figure out that the binding around your chest is definitely for broken ribs when you hear snickering coming from your right.

“What?!” You snap, trying to lie still and sink back into the high amount of pain meds they would have had to put you on before you woke up.

Oh fuck.

You forgot that he probably hates you now. Shit.

John is starting to frown when you look away from him in shame.

“You know I dont blame you, right?” He asks.

You weren’t expecting that, so you stay silent and try to comprehend what he could be saying.

You feel a touch at your right hand, and look over to see his calloused fingers touching yours. It’s incomprehensible. Everything you’ve been telling yourself the last two weeks, hell, two months since Dave and Rose were captured, has been a process of slowly breaking down your attachment to him in your mind. It didn’t work, of course, but you knew you would have to leave him, for good. Leave the fucking light in your life.

“Don’t be stupid,” you say, and try to pull your fingers away. Unfortunately he’s not having it.

“I’m not being stupid,” he says, unfathomably. And then continues with reiteration of what had to be fake news. “I understand why you left, even if it was idiotic.”

And… wait.

“I love you,” John says, then, and your mind is still reeling even as your chest bursts with joy.

“Did you kill the fuckin condesce???” You nearly shout, and break down into bouts of coughing and wheezing, prompting Kanaya to wander by with an oxygen tank and some cannula.

John looks sheepish.

Sheepish.

Crying will be for later. Right now, you’re too shocked to even remember what happened in the last five minutes.

----------

thank you to sam for the request, and i love you all and hope you have a good week :)

[despairforme]

Aren't you afraid of Grimmjow leaving you? Since you seem to be so annoyed by him? Surely you know just how bad he must feel, right?

     Yeah, he knew how bad Grimmjow had to feel. It was kinda the point, to make him feel bad about his decision. Maybe that would make him cave and change his mind. Well, even if Nnoitra had wanted to �� forgive ‘ him, it just wasn’t that simple. Grimmjow was being a fucking idiot after all. But was Nnoitra afraid that Grimmjow was going to leave him? Not really. It wasn’t like HE was the one in the wrong here. Grimmjow was the one fucking things up. Sure, Nnoitra was making him feel bad about it, but that wasn’t a reason to leave someone, right? One of the big differences between his relationship with Grimmjow and what he had had with his ex, was that Nnoitra didn’t worry too much about Grimmjow leaving him. That wasn’t because he thought he was good enough for Grimmjow or whatever, because he definitely wasn’t. He just felt so comfortable in their relationship because Grimmjow had seen the worst side of him – EXPERIENCED the worst side of him. And he STILL loved him. If Grimmjow could love him even after what he had done to him, then there was literally nothing Nnoitra could do to make him fall out of love with him. That did NOT mean that he tried to take advantage of this by any means. He was never deliberately mean to Grimmjow. Except for ( maybe ) how he was treating him right now. But, he had a GOOD REASON! He did this to protect him. The best way to keep Grimmjow safe was to make him change his mind. Why the fuck did Grimmjow think it was a good idea to become a snitch? Nnoitra couldn’t, for the life of him, understand what Grimmjow was thinking. It was simply the stupidest idea ever. And yeah – Nnoitra had had many stupid ideas himself ( and witnessed Grimmjow have a lot of them as well ), but this easily won the first price. None of the other ideas were even contenders compared to this.

     Even though he was fucking pissed off at Grimmjow, he didn’t love him any less. He was pretty sure Grimmjow knew that. If their roles had been switched, then Nnoitra knew that he would’ve been stressed out as fuck, thinking that Grimmjow didn’t love him anymore. But Grimmjow wasn’t as paranoid as himself, so surely he was fine? And if he wasn’t, then that was actually a good thing. Because it could make him change his mind. Nnoitra would rather have Grimmjow feel bad and be safe, than be happy and in danger. What made Nnoitra even more obsessed with making his boyfriend change his mind was that Grimmjow had told him that he was doing this for HIM. That didn’t make any fucking sense, since Nnoitra didn’t want this. This was the exact opposite of what he wanted, actually. Not to mention that it wouldn’t bring any of them anything positive. Only trouble and probably danger as well. It was even worse than if Nnoitra suddenly decided to throw Grimmjow’s cats out and then claim that he was ‘ doing it for his sake ‘. Grimmjow was such a fucking idiot. The fact that he claimed that he was doing this for Nnoitra really pissed him off. It also made him stressed out as fuck. Either Grimmjow was lying about doing it for his sake, or he really thought he was doing it for him in some screwed up way. Either way – it would be HIS fault if something happened to Grimmjow. That was something he wouldn’t be able to deal with. He just had to fix this shit!

     This was the sort of stuff that Nnoitra fucking hated. Things that he weren’t good at fixing. Granted, he wasn’t really ‘ good ‘ at ‘ fixing ‘ anything – but there were certain situations where he could at least be somewhat useful. He was strong. He knew how to fight. He’d do anything to protect Grimmjow. But – saving him from his own stupidity? Winning an argument? Saying the right things? He sucked at all that shit. If he had been good at manipulating, he probably would’ve been able to get Grimmjow to change his mind. Nnoitra knew that him trying to change Grimmjow’s mind by making him feel bad was a form of ‘ manipulation ‘ or whatever. He knew it would’ve worked on himself. Too bad it didn’t seem to be working on the other. Nnoitra did feel bad about what he was doing to Grimmjow. OF COURSE HE DID! He wanted to hold him and tell him that no matter what, he would stay beside him and protect him. That was the truth after all. If Grimmjow ended up sticking to this stupid plan, then of course Nnoitra would stay with him. He felt like he had proved just how far he was willing to go for him last summer. He had literally taken a bullet for him. He’d do it again. The way things were going, he had the feeling that he would have to. Fuck. Why was Grimmjow determined to fuck up the life they had together? Why hadn’t he learned? It sure was messed up, that HE was the smart one in the relationship. It was almost like Grimmjow was the one who had gotten shot in the head and sustained some brain damage.

     It wasn’t too late yet though. Grimmjow still had time to change his mind! He hadn’t gone through with it yet ( as far as Nnoitra knew anyway ). Nnoitra wondered what he would do if Grimmjow went ahead and talked to the police again. What would he do if he actually did this whole snitch-shit? He didn’t know. He didn’t know how he would feel or what he would do. He DID know that he was going to protect him though. That was the only thing that was certain. He would love him and protect him. No matter what.

     ❝ Nah, that ain’t what I’m worried ‘bout. ❞ He was way more worried about Grimmjow’s safety than anything. ANYTHING. 

[samtheflamingomain]

one week down

I went into inpatient rehab last Monday and figured now would be a good time to give an update. I have a lot to say, but I know not everyone cares deeply about every minute detail, so I'll do a quick highlight reel for those mildly interested.

There's 5 of us, 3 men, 2 women. I'm the youngest by 7 years, and the only one here for just alcohol and weed. We have 6h of mandatory classes/groups every day except weekends when it's 1.5h. The classes are pretty boring and mostly stuff I learned from entry-level CBT/DBT with a few hidden gems of wisdom here and there.

We wake up at 8, DIY breakfast, class for 2.5h, lunch, 1.5h class, break, 1h class, dinner, an optional walk around the block, another 1h class, then bedtime meds and last smoke break at 10pm. No mandatory lights out time but I'm usually exhausted and out by 10:30.

The food sucks, but I'm trying to lose weight so I'm glad it does. I've already lost 6 pounds. On the other hand, I can't remember the last time I ate 2 meals with vegetables for a week straight. I'm smoking 3 times as much as I ever have, because everyone else is a "pack-a-day" smoker and it's been great to take away cravings and also socialize.

I really like the people in the group, and there are 2 staff members who are very well-liked because they're great, 2 that are okay, 2 that are serious hard-asses, and one who's just an outright asshole piece of shit with no business being in the healthcare field.

I'm in a weird kind of mindset where I go back and forth between "I never need to drink again" and "I can probably get drunk once or twice a month, the others here are much worse off than me, so comparatively, my addictions aren't such a big deal". I know that neither of these mindsets are truly healthy. The first because I know there will be days where I will want to drink and I need to plan for that, and the second because I simply cannot do moderation, and my life and problems aren't diminished by the existence of others' problems.

As for poppers, the other thing I'm quitting, I know I can never do them again. Poppers are all-or-nothing. It's impossible to moderate them because I would just do them all day every day, and the few times I've tried to quit them myself, by day 3 I'm digging through garbage to make a DIY bong. Quitting alcohol makes me restless, which I can manage. Quitting poppers makes me so depressed that I get suicidal.

Sorry, that was the "short" version but it got away from me. Now for a bit more detail.

I had to be 5 days sober of alcohol to come in, so it's been nearly 2 full weeks since my last drink, and exactly 2 weeks since the last time I got drunk. I still fantasize about getting sloshed again, but the rational part of my brain is slowly coming back and overriding those thoughts. I haven't had a severe craving to the point where I want to quit or even to the point where I've been super restless, largely because they keep us busy.

Poppers however... on day 2 I was having a fucking breakdown. On the floor sobbing. I went out for a smoke and one of the girls, call her Lisa, was out. I told her how bad I wanted to rip a popper and she said this: "What if you sucked really hard on the cigarette, held it in, then exhaled?" And it fucking worked. Instant headrush. Only about 20% as good as a real popper, but enough that I instantly felt better. Homegirl is a life-saver; I never would've even thought of that because I'd never imagined it would work. Part of doing a popper is smoking a piece of unfiltered cigarette very quickly, so I assumed smoking through a filter wouldn't get the job done.

I miss my kitty, but I'm not homesick like everyone else. They all have kids and 3 are in long-term relationships. 2 are likely going to prison for shit they did while fucked up on opioids and want to show the court that they're working to better themselves and get clean. They have reasons to quit. I... I feel like I really don't.

Yeah, my health has been slowly deteriorating for the past 4-5 years, and I've been very overweight for the past 2-3 years (beer belly), and I spend more money on alcohol than I'd like to admit, but what I spend in a year, Lisa spends on heroin in a weekend. To make things harder for myself, I literally have not had a hangover in 2+ years. I could drink a 26er in 4 hours and wake up absolutely fine.

But I know that my way of life, getting blackout drunk 7 days a week, isn't sustainable. I know that some alcoholics do that for 50+ years, but I'm still pretty young, and I don't want to wake up at age 40 realizing I've pissed away 1/3rd of my life just being drunk.

I guess, when I really boil it down, I want to go back to who I was before I started drinking. I had so much potential to do great things when I graduated high school, and since then it's been a steady decline in my productivity and motivation.

Something that's surprised me about being here is that I've gotten more shit done in the past week than I do most MONTHS. There's a piano that I play for an hour a day, which I haven't done since I was a teenager. There's a treadmill I've used a few times. There's enough down-time for me to work on some embroidery and drawing, but most importantly, I started writing again.

I "finished" my first novel 8 years ago, and I've been trying to rewrite it in its entirety ever since. Draft One was 150,000 words, and Rewrite has been stuck at 25k for almost 2 years now. After a week, it's up to 35k.

And I think I have to attribute this to my lack of drinking. I never realized just how much it affected my motivation before. I used to open the document, force myself to crunch out a paragraph or two and then put it back on the shelf for a few months.

Now, I'm not forcing anything. It's coming to me. I'm inspired. I'm confident. I'm excited.

I've been feeling like I'd lost my spark, my drive to create things, for years now. And it's only been 2 weeks sober and I'm getting that spark back. I guess I do have a reason to quit: I'm not going to accomplish anything, or at least not anything I'm excited about, if I go back to drinking.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm much more process-oriented. The task of writing always seemed too daunting and stressful because I just want the fucker to be done already. Now, I'm truly enjoying just getting through a scene or chapter. Even just a clever turn of phrase releases the Happy Chemical for me now.

To wrap up this absolute saga of epic length, I want to talk about the people a bit more. It's pretty rare that I get put into a group of people and I genuinely like all of them and none of them annoy me. The last time I was in a classroom with others, we were literally "learning" to identify parts of sentences and doing absolute beginner-level word processing. It was agonizing, because every single person in that class was a fucking idiot and would ask the stupidest questions, take forever to read a paragraph aloud while mispronouncing very common words. I'm not being a know-it-all dick, either. It's objectively true. How do I know? Out of 25, only me and one other person passed the course despite them all attending class regularly.

All that to say, these people are genuinely smart and likeable. John is an absolute encyclopedia on guitars, machinery, cars, and has done pretty much every skilled trade under the sun. He's also had a lot of interesting life experiences. Rick is a yoga guru who brought 12 books ranging from Zen Buddhism to abstract physics, and while I don't believe in 'chakras' and 'healing energies', he doesn't annoy me because he really only talks about it in relation to himself and how it's helped him, which I can respect. Christy is a PSW, and I mention that because she has a way of phrasing things in a wise, educated way, because that's how PSWs get good: they learn to communicate very well. She actually native and lives on a reserve, so she always has something interesting to talk about. Lisa is so well-traveled that when I mentioned I could name all the capitals, she pulled out fucking Tajikistan. She'd never been there. She's also South African and lived during apartheid, and is much more knowledgeable on the subject than myself, and I consider myself pretty well-read on it.

There's no stupid questions that take up half the class to answer, nobody takes 15 minutes to read a paragraph, and everyone is truly putting in the work.

I'm still nervous about coming back home, but my worries get less and less daunting with each passing day.

One week down, 2 more to go. Back at 'er at 9am tomorrow, rain or shine.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[sixmorningsafter]

15 Review

I didn’t know how to start this review. Then you posted your character trailer and I was struck by how much this fic has evolved from the original 2-minute trailer. It started out as a fluffy rom com type fic and now it is a story of depth, of feeling and of growth. Sure, your humour balances out the angst, but what blows me away is the affection all your readers have for your characters even if the canon version leaves them cold. There are still times when I want to smack them around the head for being dumb (quite a lot in this chapter!), but I am still rooting so hard for all 4 of them to get a HEA (actually 5 including Kai).

Ahhhhh, Janet, my sun and stars! Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this - I was trying to get 16 cranked out (lmao as you well know) and I was putting off delving back into my asks until I did. Now that the chapter’s up and kind of terrifyingly out there, I can finally get to answering this glorious, lovely review, and I’m going to start with getting real emotional over everything you said about the fic’s development. I think I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I’ve always been aiming for a kind of Breakfast Club effect with this story where it starts out with a bunch of surface-level stereotypes for characters, gets them stuck somewhere, and then uses that idle time to dig past the labels and see what makes them human. Obviously SMA has gone way off the rails and is way more shippy and tropey than TBC, lmao, but it makes me so happy to hear that you feel like it’s transcended the raunchy romcom premise. It’s been a gradual but deliberate effort on my end and it gives me hella feels to know it’s working.

Can I just say how much I love the fact you started and ended it with Stefan’s POV? That end scene where he can’t help but be a little bit Nicholas Sparks (Stefan “King of Cheese” Salvatore knows who he is, but not Sia ha ha) and Caroline surprises him with the hot chocolate – aww. I also adored Ms Cuddles and Caroline having a ‘chat’ about Stefan – that was a really beautiful note, the parallel of Caroline softening towards both the cat and Stefan. In fact, the cat is basically a metaphor for Stefan, right? Caroline’s reaction annoyed me initially, I can’t lie, but her gradual rationalisation of her behaviour was really interesting and her thoughts on how it affected Stefan showed her to be compassionate and sweet. An interesting point was that Stefan felt that he lost control completely of the sex, intimacy situation, whereas Caroline describes him as ‘always having one foot on the floor, checking in’ – I’m not sure why I liked that so much, but I did. I love the tease for chapter 16 where these idiots actually talk to each other. There’s a line where Stefan talks (in his head) about him (or indeed anyone) not being worth that much angst and about watching her flicker from afar, both of which I loved because it showed just what a caring chap Stefan is.

Italicized the bit above because I’m so happy you caught that! It was one of those dissonant things I tried to sneak in to remind people that literally no one’s narration in this fic is objective, you know? Like Stefan’s sitting there feeling lowkey guilty because there was a moment he knew he probably should’ve pulled back but didn’t, and then later on Caroline’s thinking about how safe she felt because he never seemed to lose himself completely. I think on a backstory note, too, it gives a some indirect insight into Maroline and just how out of control Matt could get that by comparison, Stefan losing control felt like total safety to her. 

ANYWAY, that bit aside (I love how you catch those little things, btw), cat’s totally a metaphor for Stefan. To me anyway. I don’t think Stefan directly intended the parallel but this cheesy af author did 👍 And yeah, at their core, Caroline and Stefan are both giant cheese balls who are just trying to figure out what to do with their abundance of scary feelings. I think it’s good that Caroline’s reaction annoyed you, tbh, because it was supposed to be a last straw kind of thing. Not necessarily even for Stefan, but just for her. She gets sick of her own shit, which you probably get more of a sense for in 16 than 15. It’s kind of her breaking point. She’s like ‘holy shit enough this is exhausting’. So I think it’s good for you, as the reader, to also be exhausted with her, because she’s pretty much feeling the same way. 

(Aside: jeez the way you wrote the Steroline sex scene was perfect, not graphic or squirmy, but really hot. I now can’t wait to see what you do with Bamon! Things gonna get weird – I know it!)

I literally just figured out how Bamon’s going to go down (like locked it down in my head) and honestly. Weirdly feelsy. But also very hot and them, I think. Bonnie’s profession might factor in. But gah, thanks so much for the feedback on the SC scene! That was like my first time writing a sex scene in a fic (not because I’m anti-sex scene I just usually don’t make it that far in, looooool) so I’m so glad it wasn’t a disaster!

The ship stuff is great in this chapter, but I thought I was going to miss the friendship stuff. I didn’t because of all the cute references to the friendships that you put in. Damon doing his lovesick idiot impression AKA imitating Stefan – LOL! Damon referring to Stefan taking Bonnie to court for flamingo hate crimes - I nearly died at that little exchange. I also liked the parallel of Bonnie telling Damon about the Stefonnie V-day standoff (“yellow sucks and you’re a bad friend” WTF Bonnie? Baby love sick puppy Stefan - priceless) and Steroline chatting about Bonnie’s insane diet as a way of bonding (Stefan’s a feeder, his go-to strategy to smooth things over = food, head canon this was his major way of coping with his sisters and Bonnie’s mood swings). Bonnie is like the lynch pin in this fic and I bloody love it. The parallel of Caroline and Bonnie trying to get over Stefan and Damon by using extreme physical contact as a method of desensitisation. LOL like that was ever going to work - dumbos!

Aren’t they the stupidest human beings, though? Like do you understand how often I write literally any part of this fic and have to stop, stare the screen, and go ‘WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB’. Like yeah, Caroline, riding Stefan in the middle of a dark living room till neither of you can think straight is definitely going to make you less into him. Obviously. How could that backfire? Yeah Bonnie, dragging a flirty Damon to a tiny little stairwell to bitch at him is obviously not going to lead to anything you don’t want happening. How could it? It’s so foolproof? They’re stupid. Anyway, lmao, love love love that all the brotp references could keep you afloat with the friendships this chapter, and love all the parallels you picked up on. I’m not going to lie, I miss writing ensemble scenes so friggin’ much, to the point where I’m a little sad 16 had to get split before I hit the group bits, but I can’t wait to get back to that. I can’t wait to get back to crowded mornings and furtive looks and smug comments and chaotic bursts of activity - it always happens whenever I have long night time scenes. I’m like ready for the reset of a new, bustling morning, and a large part of it is because of the brotp potential, so I’m super happy that part’s important to you, too!

Now for Kai. His cyber stalking, 6 ovens and secret room made me laugh in a somewhat anxious way, although I too aim for my Christmas decorations to involve a miniature train set up #lifegoals #weareallalittlebitkai. I get that Bonnie was terrified, trapped with a knife 2 inches from her face. She still slipped into her compassionate self because that is who Bonnie is at her core. This girl is a damn hero. I can totally see how down the line these 2 end up being ‘friends’ with the other 3 being dragged into this friendship group, kicking and screaming, although I caught Damon being friendly with him already. I’m really interested to see how the Stefan-Kai dynamic works out. I felt bad for him going off swan hunting in a blizzard and perplexed because it’s going to take ages to pluck and roast a new swan – Bamon are trapped lol.

Loooool, Kai, my little lunatic son. He means well? Kind of. I think he just doesn’t always know what ‘well’ is. And yep, Bonnie’s compassionate streak flares hard and often, and it’s already showing for Kai, although if you’ve read 16 it turns out that Damon actually ends up being the surprise Kai bestie. Honestly, Kai thinks they’re both great and has very enthusiastic and occasionally frightening ways of showing it, lmao. And HAHA, you know, Kai x Stefan is probably the only dynamic I haven’t nailed down? Largely because my instinct is to have Kai think he’s shady/get an inexplicably bad vibe from him (because COME ON HOW FUNNY IS THAT), and I feel like Stefan’s constantly getting the short end of the stick with these people, but lmao, who knows. I might do it anyway. It’s hard to resist the hilarity of Murdery McSwankiller Kai finding Stefan of all people suspicious. They’ll probably bond over cooking, though.

Hands down my favourite part is Damon’s panic attack, the way you wrote it – wow, so good. I have never had a panic attack and after reading that I was so glad that I hadn’t. It basically cracked open Damon’s life a little, let us in on his dark past. I have only waited 15 chapters for this (see every review of this fic I have ever written lol – god I’m so boring, sorry). When they were first trapped in the basement and Bonnie was quizzing him without mercy, I felt so bad for him.  I loved that she picked up on the panic attack and tried a softer approach and the connection that it sparked. I love their physical attraction (I want them to kiss every time they get within about 6 foot of each other, I have no idea how Bonnie copes!), their verbal sparring and Damon’s protectiveness towards Bonnie, but Damon being vulnerable and letting her in (even if he didn’t want to) was like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle and at the same time, the beginning of something really beautiful. I really want to see more from him next chapter, his embarrassment is already palpable in the preview vid and I’m so psyched about vulnerable Damon. I hope we find out more about why he was in Chicago. Is that likely?

Ahhhhhh, girl, all of this has me so, so starry-eyed, like I’m so happy to hear this scene worked so well for you. I always get super nervous when I’m writing something sensitive that I’ve never gone through myself, and I try to do a bunch of research and read about peoples’ experiences and see what different accounts have in common to get to the core of it, but it’s still always a bit of a gamble. Not even in the sense of getting the symptoms and stuff right, because that’s just following a list, but more so capturing the gravity of it, not making it some melodramatic trivialized thing that robs it of weight, you know? That’s what I was the most worried about, so reading this review is just so, so wonderful, because it seems like you really felt everything I was trying to capture. Love love love your analysis of Bamon and their progression so far, and your note about how it felt like both the final piece of something and the beginning of something else. I think that’s such a great way to put it. You spend a fair bit of time in Damon’s head in 16, and it’s safe to say his whole breezy facade is cracked, but the vulnerability is definitely there. And as for the new beginning you mentioned in 15, I think what that ends up being in 16 is that trust is starting to build. He’s trying to avoid it at first, but it’s there and it’s growing, and in 17 (what was supposed to be 16, lmao), you’ll see the first moment where Damon actually volunteers information about himself. He isn’t asked, he isn’t panicking, he just finally gets to the point where he wants to talk about things, Chicago, etc. So I think it’s 100% likely that you’ll hear more about what happened there, and in an added bonus, it won’t all be from his mental narration! He’s going to bring it up. It’s comin’!

Edit: Having seen your posts, I have now seen that the next chapter will have Baroline friendship scenes and more Stefan back story – OMG yay so up for this! Also we need more about Stefan and the girl that cried after having sex with him (or was it the other way around?).

Hahaha literally BOTH of those things got lost in the split, I’m afraid. But they’re definitely coming! And lmaaaaaoooooo, in the fic, Stefan made a girl cry once, but I honestly wouldn’t put post-sex crying past him. Oh, Stefan, my precious emotional son.

Anyway, thanks so, so much for this glorious review, babe. As always, it was insightful and eloquent af and I’m crazy humbled to have readers like you. <3

[falconerjack]

dex has red hair

i have red hair too, which is pretty awesome. and also horrible, sometimes, because being ginger affects so much more than the just the pigment of your hair. so anyways here are some facts about dex and his hair bc i can relate:

he’s so pale

he’s so pale

even when he kind of manages to get a little darker after a sunburn fades, he’s still paler than everyone else’s normal skin tone

he does not tan. ever.

yeah sure, he may work on a lobster boat all summer, but buddy, i promise you, he’s not gonna come out of it looking nice and bronze

(why do people write fics where he comes back from the summer with a killer tan??? no bro, he probably just looks like a lobster. it sucks)

his skin just slowly gets pinker until he has a terrible sunburn, and then sometimes if he’s lucky it will turn out a little tanner when it fades

he probably uses at least spf 50, lbr here

actually, nah probably higher than that if we’re being honest

and he has to apply it like every hour

ugh and oh my god, he probably gets splotchy sunburns!!!

SPLOTCHY SUNBURNS ARE THE WORST

basically you think you’ve put sunscreen everywhere and spread it evenly but NOPE

random blotches of your skin will just be bright red while the rest is ridiculously pale and you look like you have some sort of disease-ridden rash

it has probably happened on his face and it’s the saddest thing

he has freckles for dayssssss (especially after the summer because they come back in full force during that season)

freckles everywhere

in the most random places

some are on his lips and on the back of his knees and his elbows and just very odd places

its a never ending cycle of freckles fading while new freckles form

he kind of gets a tan through his freckles??? 

bc he has so many and as they fade they kind of blotch together and make him look tan, but when you look really close you’re just like, oh, those are just tiny dots bunched together, not the actual pigmentation of your skin

he has. SO MANY. freckles on his shoulders

if you are of the male specimen, you probably go out shirtless in the summertime, and the sun hits you really hard on your shoulders, and thus, so. many. freckles. there.

(this is literally the most prominent place of freckles for redhead boys. please ask my brother and all of my cousins)

“does the carpet match the drapes?” ;)

why do people ask this

he gets this all the time, and it’s not just from people hitting on him

PEOPLE JUST GENUINELY WANT TO KNOW FOR SOME REASON???

and it’s super awkward

especially when they don’t match. bc um. a lot of times they don’t. just so you know.

“haha, firecrotch, huh?”

will wouldn’t find this funny even if it were accurate

back to the sunburn thing, it’s nice in the winter when he doesn’t get fried!! JUST KIDDING BC BLUSHING IS A THING

yeah anytime he gets remotely embarrassed or flustered, his face is the color of a tomato okay

even if he’s not actually uncomfortable, it still happens

“dex, nice shirt, man.” ➝ red face

“dude, nice assist!”➝ red face

*accidentally bumps into someone* ➝ red face

anytime nursey says anything ever, his face is red. i promise you this. i know this to be true

HE NEVER WEARS RED

or pink or orange, for that matter

(but i mean he goes to samwell so the red thing is kind of hard)

he unintentionally gravitates towards green and blue clothing bc his mom probably accidentally instilled in him that they compliment his hair as a child

this is so real. this is the realest, most relatable thing

going to samwell was probably super weird bc he had to start buying spirit wear and stuff and when he did, he realized he didn’t own any other red clothing

people always make irish jokes or assume he is irish, especially around st. patricks day

dex has no idea if he is irish

people always ask if another redhead they know is related to him

no

he has heard every “ginger” joke under the sun

no one has ever actually bullied him for it

but everyone makes the same jokes

will basically mouths the words as people say them bc he knows them so well at this point

he’s not actually bothered or offended, it’s just like... dude. he’s heard this before. you’re not being original

it’s very boring and a little irritating

but if he gets annoyed or doesn’t laugh people think he is a bad sport, so!!! he laughs them off even though he’s very disinterested and wants to tell them to maybe get some new material so they can actually say something remotely humorous next time

and he totally knows its not a big deal at all, bc some people have to deal with racist or homophobic jokes, and this doesn’t remotely compare. it’s just... very eye-roll inducing.

he gets horrible bruises for the stupidest shit, and sometimes just randomly and he’s not sure where they came from, bc ya gotta love that sensitive skin!!

oh and back to the ginger jokes thing, someone always makes a comment about that redhead temper!!

which is kind of unfortunate, bc dex kind of does have some temper issues

those jokes do not make him less angry either

(dex, seriously man. just chill for a sec)

wow this got really long and i could go on forever and ever but yeah basically this is the gist of it. also i’m aware some of this can apply to lots of people but anyways hooray for redheads!!

[its-kex]

for the spyro meme: all of them :--)

HO BOY I’M FUCKING READY

1. Which Spyro game is your favorite? Spyro 2 - Ripto’s RageIronically I’ve never gotten my hands on the original Spyro game but the first three are super similar SO

2. Who is your favorite character from the Spyro series?:v..... Spyro.............. Hunter was a funny guy tho.

3. Which Spyro games have you played?I played the original Spyro on an emulator for 5 minutes but I don’t really count it because it worked bad so I stopped; Ripto’s Rage; The Eternal Night; Dawn of the Dragon.

4. What Spyro game did you play first?Ripto’s Rage and it’s the best out of all of them, I will fight everyone about this.

5. What “era” of Spyro is your favorite? (Insomniac, Legend of Spyro, the in between time)Insomniac will forever be my fav. LoS was okay but I didn’t enjoy it as much as the old games.

6. What is your favorite level from a Spyro game?I love the Glimmer homeworld in Ripto’s Rage, it’s not like... special because it’s literally the first level of the game but it’s super neat.

7. Which of Spyro’s many designs is your favorite?The one in Dawn of the Dragon. Probably just cause over time, they made him look older and stuff. Boy is growing up.

8. Favorite voice actor for Spyro?I just had to look this up and apparently Elijah Wood voiced Spyro in Dawn of the Dragon SO I GUESS THAT. I don’t really look up voice actors for characters often.

9. Would you consider yourself a part of the Spyro fandom?Nnnno, just because I don’t consider myself in any “fandom”? I have things I’m a fan of, that doesn’t really make me part of anything.

10. What is your opinion on the Spyro fandom as a whole?I don’t pay attention to it lol.

11. What have you contributed to the fandom?I feel called out

12. Do you read any Spyro fanfiction?I’ve stopped reading fanfiction altogether years ago since most of it is like cringy 12y/o fantasies.

13. Have you ever played a Spyro fan game? There are??????????? Fan games??????????? where

14. If you could live in one level/world from a Spyro game which would it be?Uhhhh Shady Oasis seems like a chill place?

15. Favorite boss in a Spyro game?Crush from RR, bitch was so easy to beat.

16. Do you own any Spyro merchandise?I WISH

17. What’s your favorite piece of music from the Spyro series?My answers are like 99% about Ripto’s Rage but anyway I liked the entirety of this games soundtrack it’s just so...... pleasant.

18. Which game has the best soundtrack, in your opinion?:)

19. Which game is your least favorite? The Eternal Night was the only game I never finished, I don’t really remember why? I might’ve just gotten kinda bored at the beginning :(

20. Any characters you hate or just can’t stand?MONEYBAGS IS A PIECE OF SHIT.

21. Have you ever had a Spyro related dream?i wish?

22. Which Spyro game do you think is the most difficult?Dawn of the Dragon, by far? I replayed that game a couple of times and at some points I was just so fucking done that I used cheats to get it over with. DotD was at the point where it stopped being a charming game and started trying to be serious but the upped difficulty was... annoying.

23. Which game do you think is the easiest? Ripto’s Rage lol. I mean, if you’re a completionist, then yeah there are some annoying as shit levels but just for a casual playthrough it’s easy.

24. Do you have an unpopular opinion related to Spyro? Ok so one thing I really hated about Dawn of the Dragon is that they had to make Cynder Spyro’s love interest? It felt super forced and it made Cynder’s character really poor. Then again, I haven’t played any other games with Cynder in them so maybe if I knew her whole story I’d feel different.

25. Which one of Spyro’s breath abilities is your favorite?Classic fire is my fave. When they slap 4 different abilities at you in DotD it’s like...... why are you over-complicating things dkfhjdfhdf.

26. Do you have any Spyro related headcanons?Spyro kills Moneybags.

27. Favorite line of dialogue from any game?EEEH I don’t really remember anything outstanding but I loved how in the earlier games Spyro was super sassy.

28. Have you ever 100% completed a Spyro game?Ya boi, Ripto’s Rage.

29. Anything in a Spyro game that makes you angry?The fucking SPEEDWAY MAPSAND MONEYBAGS

30. Favorite speedway/flight?Fuck off

31. What’s your opinion on the enemy names in the first 2 Legend of Spyro games?I looked those up and the ones I found were Cynder, Dark Master and Gaul lmao? I like Cynder, Gaul is weird and Dark Master is just underwhelming considering he’s like the most powerful dragon but ok.

32. What would your perfect Spyro game look like?RIPTO’S RAGE PS4 REMASTERED SOMEBODY MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

33. Do you ever mess around with glitches in any of the games?what glitches

34. Have you ever seen a speedrun of a Spyro game?Nah, sucks the fun out of it.

35. How often do you play Spyro games?Almost never? My ps1 is ancient and it doesn’t work too well.

36. When was the last time you played a Spyro game?Probably like a few years ago.

37. What’s your opinion on the Skylanders franchise?Skylanders Spyro is the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen, don’t ever bring that up to me.

38. Are the 5 gems from the first 3 Spyro games blue or purple?Blue? They have a purple-ish hint but I’ve always seen them as blue.

39. Which of the playable characters in Year of the Dragon is your favorite?(not counting Spyro)Never played it :)))))

40. Which home world is your favorite?I feel like I already said this but Glimmer.

41. Do you ever use the cheat codes in any of the games?In Dawn of the Dragon since it was stupid hard.

42. Favorite final boss?Ripto, lol. 

43. Which game do you think had the best story?Dawn of the Dragon imo. It was heavily a story game with like..... war and shit, it had a very different vibe from the old Spyro games.

44. Do you own multiple copies of any of the games?I think I have 2 copies of Ripto’s Rage, have I said I like Ripto’s Rage because holy shit do I love Ripto’s Rage.

45. Do you like the skateboarding in Spyro 3?I need to play Spyro 3 now.

46. Which one of the 4 elemental dragons from the Legend of Spyro is your favorite?Fire.

47. Have you ever played Dawn of the Dragon with someone else?Yeah boi.

48. Who do you prefer to play as in Dawn of the Dragon? Spyro or Cynder?I’d switch between them often.

49. Which Fury attack from the Legend of Spyro is your favorite?I’m too tired to look them up.

50. Which one of Hunter’s designs do you like the best?Ok listen........ Dawn of the Dragon Hunter is fucking lit o K I MEAN HELLO ?????

51. Have you ever played a Skylanders game?Fuck that

52. Do you visit any Spyro fan sites? (darkSpyro, spyroforum, etc.)lmfao what now

[officialshelliejellie-blog]

An Ode to My Soul Sister-Brother ...

I’ll always remember the day, 17 years ago, when my kid sister came out. And when I say “kid sister,” I mean, she was just 15. The kid whom I had helped raise; born when I, myself, was just 14 … a quasi kid, quasi half parent ... old enough to be left alone with an infant for days, young enough to not know how crazy that was.

Already a sibling to two annoying brothers, I got a baby sister who held a connection I didn’t know I needed. A soul sister, even if separated by so many years. In all the ways my brothers eluded me, my tiny sister, oblivious of her gender power, snuggled on my shoulder as a baby; grasped my hand as a toddler; giggled uncontrollably as a pre-teen over the stupidest, yet greatest, things.

I smeared lip gloss on her face and polish on her nails, dressed her in pretty, pleated pink skirts and bought her tiny Hello Kitty handbags as soon as I could afford a car and enough gas to get us to the mall.

So fast-forward to her 15th year when I’d picked her up from the airport and took her to a diner to kick off a week’s visit in my new Florida home. Something weighed heavy on her heart, I could tell, and she confessed to two things: She’d joined AA. She was gay. The latter didn’t really surprise me. The former stopped my heart. I’d left her behind in California and the fucking wheels fell off.

But we pulled it together, and over the next 17 years, I watched my sister find and lose love in the ways we all do. We embraced each other’s partners in the good times, and swore them off as mortal enemies when they did our family wrong. Always there for the celebrations. Always there with unwavering support. Always.

And then, one day, I felt betrayed … and angry … and hurt. It wasn’t because of the news my sister delivered, but because of how I got it. I woke up early and scrolled through Facebook to see a video of my sister talking into the camera, with a post that said something to the effect of “I don’t mean to steal Caitlyn Jenner’s thunder, but …” It already had tons of likes and comments and I was WAY behind on the scoop.

Along with the rest of the world, which includes my homophobe, super-inappropriate ex-husband/father of my teenagers, I learned that my sister had started hormone therapy to become a man. Again: not really surprised by the news. But crushed that she hadn’t given me a personal head’s up.

Well, despite the ego blow, I sucked it up and focused on what mattered: This literally life-altering process my kid sibling had begun and all the love and support that I needed to express and deliver. The shoulder I still offered … the hand still to hold … the giggles we both still needed when shit got weird.

Nearly a year passed until I saw my re-hatched sibling in person. I bought the kid airfare from JFK to Florida so we could spend some time together over winter break. And I was nervous. I’d followed the Facebook posts throughout the breast removal surgery, the voice change, the facial hair growth and I don’t know how many haircuts. Watching the re-identity from afar of a person whom I’d closely witnessed every major life milestone was simply surreal.

I’d never questioned how to be around this person in all our lives. But suddenly it was: How do I introduce you to my friends? How do I not stare at the peach fuzz on your chin? Can I ever get used to calling you he … him … brother? Brother? Damn it. Will you, in an instant, become another annoying little brother? Dude – I really don’t need one of those.

These questions haunted me on the days before the visit. I didn’t know what to expect or how to act. I was wracked with nerves and worry over saying the wrong thing. When prepping friends, I used the term “sister-brother,” and they gave me disapproving looks. They’d all easily swung their vernacular to “brother,” and I couldn’t shake the uneasiness of that and how inauthentic it felt.

So, once again, so many years later, I drove to the airport to pick up this love of my life. As I approached the pick-up area, I saw my sibling … dressed as a dapper dude, holding a backpack and looking truly happy and at ease.

As we hugged I realized, this is the same soul I’d cherished since his birth … the same warm eyes, the same cheeky smile, the same judgment-free spirit who impressed me so much by becoming such a fearless grown-up bad-ass … and just like that, my anxiety was gone.

This sibling, who had so much of my heart, had simply ditched the dress for a plaid button down, flat-front khakis and a pair of tight-y whiteys. But still rocked an awesomely pretty shade of nail polish.

Thank you for that … you little rebel.

[trolloled]

Nobody asked for it but I’m giving it to you anyway:

The inspiration-behind-the-trolls master post:

Damath: I saw a lot of haughty seadwellers super proud of their status and thought ‘what if there was a seadweller who lost at being a seadweller’ and damath was hatched. I basically wanted an asshole desperately clinging to his old status, and he hasn’t changed too drastically since then.

Haydel: I listened to Barrett’s Privateers and became inspired to write my own ‘pirate’ troll. She was fairly flat when I first wrote her. She didn’t even have a proper profile until recently despite being first designed several years ago. Originally she was just a drunkard pirate with bad aim, but now she’s a drunkard dancing pirate with middlin’ aim and a strong desire to kidnap trolls to be her lackeys so she can prove herself the toughest of all seadwellers.

Vollia: I dunno, I think someone literally just suggested ‘what if there was a troll based off one of those repo-men shows’ on MSPAF at one point and Vollia was hatched. She’s changed drastically since then. Original incarnation was still a drinker, but only to deal with the stupidity she dealt with on a regular basis. She was also fairly bloodthirsty and absolutely loathed subjugglators for ‘ruining’ the good name of indigos

Deviex: I was fresh off playing Bioshock and I wanted a lunatic doctor of my own. He was never a direct Bioshock rip-off, but I slipped in a few steinman jokes here and there and unfortunately that got him l labelled as such. He originally had a yellowblooded moirail that kept his homicidal medical intentions in check, but since her RPer turned into a huge prat stopped roleplaying, that is long gone and Deviex has since had no one to stop him from flying into a rage when told someone won’t submit for medical testing.

Remiva: ‘what if there was a highblood who made it his job to deal with these nice highbloods?’ I think I originally just designed him as an example profile for a fantroll help blog I used to run (boy that was a dumpster fire). Since I liked the concept of someone being a deliberate asshole to lowbloods for the sake of status while stabbing other people in the back to prove some philosophical point, I fleshed out his profile completely.

Charsa: Originally designed for a dieselpunk SGRUB rp that never took off, she used to be a very energetic and excitable inventor who routinely broke everything she made out of excitement. In the translation between that and here, she lost her excitable nature and become more tired than anything, partially as a result of how her AB turned out. Which is all well and good, I prefer the lazy/tired inventor archetype to the excited one. Plus she kept all the eccentric nature of what she builds with a mildly amused, nearly asleep-college-student attitude.

Kormut: He was my first fantroll. I just wanted a highblood that couldn’t be considered overpowered since I was super worried about accidentally being some sort of newbie rper who busted in with overpowered trolls that everyone auto-loved. So I gave him inexplicable bad luck. Some people guessed that his bad luck was entirely in his head, but it really wasn’t. He’s stayed pretty much the same since his inception, though his lusus turned from a Dune-esque sandworm into a slightly mutated lusus cougar instead.

Sapant: Hatched from the idea of ‘take an obscure character from a popular work and make them into a fantroll.’ He’s Owl Eyes from The Great Gatsby, albeit with his niceness significantly toned down to fit in with troll attitudes. He’s too new to have changed at all!

Newsen: One of the first new trolls I made following my impromptu hiatus. I saw a pair of torn jeans and a wicked hairstyle on a sprite sheet while listening to Dirty Laundry, so I figured a reporter intentionally sabotaging everyone else’s success for his own gain would be pretty amusing, especially if he was pretty disgusting himself.

Yegeri: He’s somewhat inspired by the Pinkerton Detective Agency (His name is formed from two different prominent Pinkerton detectives). You know, before they became some weird private security group. When they busted rum runners and such. He doesn’t get much any use because I’m not a big fan of the sprite I made for him, but I still like his personality.

Hovend: I wanted Yegeri to have a distaff counterpart that was absolutely not suited for police work whatsoever. What would happen if the worst person possible was thrust into a position where he had to do what he hated most? The answer is apparently regress into anime and origami folding.

Xrumon: Not gonna lie, I made him because I was annoyed with a certain someone’s representation of a troll brought back from near-death in robot form. Not to worry dear weird person reading this, it’s nobody that follows me. Their representation had the troll...blandly accept being saved, and they weren’t at all concerned with the ramifications of their new body. So I said ‘I can do it better’ and wrote up the mean spirited son of a bitch we all don’t know and certainly don’t love today. Turns out being trapped in a robot shell sucks.

Portec: There’s an episode of American Dad where Stan really, really, really wanted to get a helicopter or some shit. I saw that and decided I wanted a helicopter troll because it’d be funny (That’s a common theme). So Portec became reality, formed with a strong desire for coffee and a reckless attitude, he...really hasn’t changed all that much.

Deveii: He was originally a self-insert! Oh no! He had my worst personality traits of course, namely being my absolutely awful temper at the time along with cowardice. Thankfully he quickly grew way the hell away from being a self-insert through the power of Zagaya (his first moirail) taking him under his wing. He always retained his bad temper, however, and accidentally gained an affinity for dating highbloods.

Evelsi: I think rai dared me to make a troll that only spoke in like 50′s slang or some shit like that. For a while, that was basically his quirk! I had a whole page written up of various slang terms to use, while Evelsi was basically ‘hey remember the American 50′s? Weren’t those times wild?’ the troll. From that I gradually added onto him so that he became more of a rock n’ roll troll with a penchant for helping others gain friends/quadrants, and pretty much entirely dropped the 50′s schtick.

Remune: “I want a bartender that nearly kills people with what he makes.” That’s pretty much it. His sprite is one I’m really proud of, even if I used a base. His hair was a total bitch but I love how it turned out. He hasn’t changed much, though he originally had telekinesis as a power. I changed that to seismic sense so that I could play it into his alcoholism (Booze deadens the constant noise other trolls generate for him).

Gaveyo: I kinda just wanted an explorer type troll? I listened to the Legionnaire’s Lament by the decemberists and wanted a troll that evoked that song. A lot of my trolls are inspired by music. At first he was just gonna be a lil grumpy and v. tired and v. world weary, but he somehow turned into fat dickhead who ruins people’s nights for laughs. At least he kept his trait of collecting trinkets and mementos. Fun fact, his last name is a rearrangement of the word cloyed, which iirc means something that is really sweet or overly sappy. I have actual reasons for keeping it that way.

Chamlo: I wrote him for a special RP where mutants/undesirable would get to duke it out on an island. The last one standing would be allowed to rejoin the troll empire at large, having been granted the gift of life! And every other troll in the empire got to watch a sick, extreme version of survivor! Unfortunately the RP didn’t get enough applicants and then the MSPAF got nuked so oh well.

Adabon: I listened to Delta (C2C) and suddenly got inspired to make a troll who was a fan of bombs. But since that felt a little cliche, I wondered what else could one do w/ bombs. And then I remembered seeing a cartoon where some fool used an explosives challenge to paint a shitload of stuff at once and figured that’d be pretty fun! It worked out pretty well overall, I’d say.

Yarrex: Second fantroll ever. Most of his characterization came from when I first used him on MSPAF. I can’t remember if the cafe interactions or his profile came first. Either way he soon turned into a troll obsessed with balance. Then I did the stupidest thing ever and wrote myself into an Edgy Fanfic Corner(tm) by burning his hive down and killing his lusus because itsbadwriting.gif. Fortunately, people still liked him for whatever reason. I’ve retconned all of that so his lusus is quite alive and his hive is still standing, but I still have him reference his hive at least getting singed sometimes as a nod. 

Argumi: “Boy, reading everyone’s thoughts would actually be a pretty horrible power. I know! I’ll make it so that you can’t turn it off! And you’re an empath!” And so began Argumi’s suffering. Most of my trolls are ‘inspired’ by sudden thoughts, really. First he was just an empath, then he turned into a mind reader, and now he’s an empath AND a mind reader. His life just gets worse every rewrite. But at least he’s more functional now than he used to be.

Famynn: Was written originally to be the Totally Awesome Doctor(tm) in a pirate RP. He would have performed surgery listening to stirring operas and complained about everyone else being little kids. Basically an incredibly old fashioned, anachronistic, asshole. But then the owner of said rp who shall remain nameless repeatedly made me lower his caste so their friends could get in instead. So he became brown and hopelessly incompetent as a doctor. Then the RP ended because oops the earlier mentioned prat was in it and the owner was no better. Later I used him in a better RP called Hunters (of the lost planet) where he was still the ship’s doctor. That’s where he got his jealous nature towards highbloods from! He’s been pretty much the same since, although his Alternian form has no doctor incliniations.

Marnin: I listened to Convoy or something one too many times and wanted a badass trucker troll. He was Not Great(tm). Really flat for my tastes and I’m a little embarrassed at how one-note he was. I was recently convinced to revive him by someone who actually liked him. I used it as a chance to completely revamp his personality (i.e. actually give him one) and change what he did completely. He’s not the same troll he used to be.

Abnage: I just wanted a con artist, really. His sprites belonged to a failed troll concept I tried out for a while, involving a hobo that flagrantly violated society’s norms to make some dumbass moral point. Unfortunately, that would mean being nice on purpose, and since everyone else’s trolls were nice at the time, the point was lost in translation. 

Gerrel: Third fantroll ever! I wanted the ‘ideal’ lowblood, in a similar vein to how Kormut was a purposefully underpowered blueblood. I didn’t want people calling me mean names if I made an upstart lowblood, so I went in the opposite direction. Just about the only personality trait he retains from his original incarnation is his workaholic-please-everyone attitude. He used to be somewhat suave (at least, what, 15 year old me thought so?) and utterly confident in himself. He bored me to tears, honestly, since I wasn’t a very good writer and couldn’t work with him very well. He’s gone through the most rewrites out of all my troll’s until we got to his ULTIMATE FORM (the one he’s in now). Unfortunately this came at the cost of (oopsie) alienating the fire nation his matesprit, since I never RP’d him much and also randomly went on hiatus.

Platar: I wanted a gas mask troll who burned things. I think the original ORIGINAL idea I had was just ‘world war 1 troll.’ He always carried deadly clouds of poison around with him in sealed containers to show off to other trolls. He was also hideously scarred under his mask thanks to accidentally exposing himself to a large batch of mustard gas, a secret no one ever actually found out. He’s changed entirely up to this point, since he’s now an extremely loyal member of the empire hellbent on proving the worth of his supposed ancestor and burning out all traces of heresy and criminality from the glorious Empire.