#He just looked like he wanted a beesechurger

[farflypants]

[angel-noaxod]

More redacted incorrect quotes because I saw these and find them hilarious

-

Asher: Hey baabe, nice hair ;)

Baabe: Thank you Ash

Asher: I'll bet it would look nice balled up in my fist when we-

Milo: WHEN HE HOLDS YOUR HAIR BACK AS YOU KISS THE GROUND PRAISING THE LORD JESUS. AMEN.

-

*Back in highschool*

Davey: Did you have any trouble with the homework, Ash?

Asher: Piece of cake :)

Davey: You didn't do it, did you?

Asher: I don't even know where my pencil is.

-

Baabe: Does anyone have a flashlight?

Asher: You're the only light I need, Baaaabe

Angel: That's great but we still can't fucking see

-

Angel, texting: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU AND BAABE?!

Asher, texting: WE'RE FUCKING

Asher: GETTING*[NOT DELIVERED]

Asher: DRINKS[NOT DELIVERED]

Angel: oh yk what i dont wanna know more

Asher: WAIT[NOT DELIVERED]

-

Angel: fuck you

Asher: Fuck youu

Davey: Guys, no fighting in the group chat.

Angel: Ash said you're the worst cook ever

Davey: Oh fuck him.

-

Angel: Hey Davey! I made you this cool bracelet.

Davey: You know, I'm not really a jewelry person.

Angel: Ah well you don't have to wear it-

Davey: No I'm gonna wear it forever, back off.

-

Angel to Davey: Baby boy. Baby.

Angel to Christian: Evil.

-

*roadtrip*

Asher: Can you move your seat up?

Milo: No.

*The drive back*

Milo: You're not gonna move your seat up are you.

Asher: Nope.

-

Darling: Hey David. I think I might be lactose intolerant.

Davey: Why's that- ohmygod

Darlin: Yea I drink from a jug of milk earlier and then I threw up

Davey: TANK THERE'S A KNIFE IN YOUR STOMACH

Darlin, looking at their stomach: Oh yeah I forgot that was there

Darlin: Anyway, like I was saying, I had some milk-

-

Christian: That outfit makes you look like a girl.

Asher:

Asher: Am I a pretty girl?-

-

Milo: What was the hardest thing to say?

Christian: I was wrong

Davey: I need help

Asher: Wor- Worche- Worsh- Worchester- Worsheshester- Worchester sauce- Worcestershire-

-

Asher: Now you don't want Tank to die

Asher: And I don't want Tank to die

Asher: Now we just gotta make sure Tank doesn't want Tank to die

Davey: Good plan but have you met Tank?

-

Davey, on his knees after tripping hard: What the hell are you looking at?

Angel: You. You're looking quite submissive and breedable sitting like that Davey

Davey: Well thank you,

Davey: Now help me up you little shit

-

Sweetheart when them and Milo met: I'll steal anything that you have

Milo: You won't steal my heart

Sweetheart: You look stunning by the way

Milo under his breath: Fuck.

-

Milo: And these fuckers won't shut up about the height

Angel:

Angel: I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

-

Baabe: You can't kill everyone that disrespects David

Angel: Watch me.

Davey:

-

Angel, storming into Davey's office: I cannot stand Christian!

Davey: What did he do this time?

Angel: BITCH OVER THERE BREATHING LIKE HE OWNS THE PLACE

-

Asher: *Throws a lamp at Milo*

Milo: What the fuck Ash?!

Asher: Lighten the fuck up.

-

Angel: Mcdawnald's Davey...Want a beesechurger..

Davey: Please. It's 3:00 am. You have work tomorrow.

Angel: c h i n k e n n u g g i e

-

Christian: You're bi? How are you bi if you're dating a guy?

Angel: I EAT SALAD DOES THAT MEAN I'M A VEGETARIAN?!

Angel: Keep it up Chrissy and I'll fuck your girlfriend.

-

Davey being sarcastic (not really because he really does think this): How is the most amazing mate in the world?

Angel in full work mode and still typing not looking up: I don't know Davey, how are you?

Davey, choking: I'm fine-

[witch-hazels-musings]

Hi, so this has just been floating around my head all day long and I need to share it with someone.

So, like, the Traveller comes from another world, right? Right. We all know this. But like??? No one ever said what world they came from. And, moreover, they never said what era that world was in, right? Like, even if time travel wasn't involved, I imagine that different universes progress differently, right? So basically, where I'm going with this, is imagine a traveler who's just... A gen z or millenial. And they just make all sorts of meme references constantly and no one knows what the FUCK they're talking about. Like:

Traveler: Beesechurger.

Kaeya, a little drunk and crying: What does that mEAN?!

--

Traveler: Look at all those chickens!

Diluc: For the last time, those are pigeons.

--

Traveler: Why are we here? Just to suffer?

Jean: No we're having a meeting. Are you okay??

--

Traveler: Hey, Zhongli, how much Mora do you have?

Zhongli: Oh. Uhhh, 69.

Traveler: Oh! You know what that means!

Zhongli: It means I have 69 mora, I don't know what you want from me here.

And then, Venti, who knows just as much as the others, gets in on it and has the traveler teach him their ways bc he just thinks it's hilarious

hahahah! These had me rolling!!

Traveler: *Stares into the camera just deadpan* I sure hope it does

All other party members: .... WUT

--

anytime the traveler walks by the steps of Mondstadt: and they were roommates

Katherine, visibly concerned

--

Traveler: *whispering as they move toward a group of treasurer hoarders* Two bro’s chillin in the hot tub ...

Jean: ... there are more than two ... what is a hot tub?

[goldport-archive]

Locations in Goldport

I wanted to compile a list of some important places in Goldport right now for anyone who might be interested in the worldbuilding and such. I might make this it’s own page sometime, but for now it’s just this. Here you go 💜

Lampshade Speakeasy

Bugsy Bethany & Catalina’s Speakeasy bar

There’s a lot of gambling, a lot of drinking, etc.

One of dastron’s favorite spots. They have a drink named after him

Crazy Ace Casino

Very popular among the criminals of goldport, but open to anyone.

Felix’s favorite place to set up his scams. His nickname “Crazy Ace” is unrelated.

Best place for all your gambling needs

The Old Robin

Robinson & Phil’s Bar & Grill

Very very good food! Takes a while because Phil and Robinson are the only employees (Although Audrey will occasionally work there Part-Time)

Robinson and Phil also live together here- their living space is on the second story

Bestro’s Beesechurgers

One of the many chain fast food restaraunts in Goldport

Randall and Riker work there

Their popular specialty side is fried pickles. (Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it)

Quiktime Delivery

The building for a branch of a major delivery company

Skell, Stratos, Randall, and Levi all work here.

There’s an old door inside that nobody ever opens, because there’s a rumor that it’s haunted

Fight Club

A secret meetup spot where people go to fight and make a bit of cash

excessive gambling and other things go on here

Riker and Copper are the two top fighters there

Candace’s Candy Shop

Candace’s little candy shop

It’s packed full of almost any candy you can think of

Always smells like chocolate

Sparky’s General Repair

Managed and completely run by Pietro

No other employees, just him doing everything by himself

Axe of God Insurance Co.

Maximoiff’s insurance company.

Robert works here as well

A rather tall building.

Trojan Horse Mall

An abandoned building, now inhabited solely by Free.

It was once a successful mall, but was shut down after the woman who ran it was supposedly murdered.

Free has control over every technology-based thing in the building and attempts to lure people inside by looking like a normal store.

Flashy Fashion

Duna’s designer studio/clothing shop

Most if not all of the clothes are beach/sea themed, but they’re rather pretty

Bugsy and Catalina like the clothes here and are especially fond of the “Ocean Sunset” line in particular

GPU Campus

Not the most well-kept campus.

Calvin and Circuit both graduated from here, they were roommates their first year and became best friends

Friday currently goes here.

Pyrite University Campus

a very elite, very fancy, very nice college campus with everything a student could need

on the opposite side of the city as GPU

Randall had the opportunity to go here but didn’t take it

Seeing-Eye Tower

The tallest building in Goldport.

Built directly in the dead center of the city.

Functions as the town hall where The Mayor works.

Goldport Golems Stadium

A huge, catch-all stadium for any sport.

The Goldport mascot is a cute Rock Golem. The person inside the mascot costume is actually a rock golem. They love their job.

The Beach

Watched over by a bunch of lifeguards, including Danny

Closed for swimming at night (You can still sit on the sand and walk along the shore)

At night there’s a bunch of bio-luminescent jellyfish in the ocean that light up and it’s a very pretty light show

The Boardwalk

Full of pop-up shops and the like

Anyone can put up a stand

Jade & Jayd often have a 5 cent homemade lemonade stand set up

Outskirts

More rural than urban

Lots of corn and soybean fields

Not many people, a lot of space

The Carnival

Every carnival lasts for a month, but after one moves out another immediately takes its place overnight

Standard carnival with standard carnival food and carnival games

Everyone loves it! (except Pietro)

The Park

surprisingly well-kept and green

In one spot there’s a garden of critically endangeredflowers called the Sunset Lily. Stratos keeps them in just-right temperatures as often as he can and cares for them

It’s very wide and open

The Forest

a very thick pine forest

There’s whispers of a house deep in the middle where you can go and have a single wish granted… for the price of your soul.

Lovers’ Peak

One of the only places you can see the stars in Goldport.

It’s a hard climb up a mountain, but at the top, you can see the whole city sprawl out beneath.

There’s a bunch of benches at the top with the perfect viewing angle.

People will often go there on dates.

[electric-friend]

Some fic recs in my various fandoms! I hope you enjoy.

Hannibal

Viridescence (Or, the Life Cycle of a Native Man)

by novamare

- Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter

- 7 Chapters

In the bayou just outside 1919 New Orleans, Will Graham is grieving the death of his father and learning, far too quickly, that he must give up the isolation he has known his entire life in order to survive. On a trip into New Orleans to purchase chicory for his coffee, Will learns about the Axeman, a serial killer terrorizing the city, and meets Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a wealthy foreigner with an alligator smile. Against his better judgement, he allows the foreigner back to his cabin in the bayou. What should terrify Will instead excites him, and, as a dangerous romance buds between them, Will learns that taking a life is much easier than letting one go.

There’s something about the delightful imagery that makes this particular fic quite special.

Detroit: Become Human

Aporia

by NHMoonshadow

- Connor/Simon

- 16 Chapters

When he spoke, his voice was precise and steady as stone. "I can't lose him now, Markus. I've felt it before, but I didn't understand then, I didn't know. I can't lose him. I won't." Markus was officially scared now, especially when the younger prototype didn't offer up anything else. "Connor. Connor. Who is 'he'?" The last thing Markus expected was for Connor to look at him, eyes earnest and wet, and say "Simon”.

Fascinating. I liked the unique relationship.

Star Trek

Vacation

by Eve Robinson

- Gen (mostly)

- 1 Chapter

When Picard discovers how much accrued leave Data has accumulated, he is required to take a holiday. But what, exactly, is 'a good time', and how will he know if he's having one?

Comedic, well-characterised and pleasant condensed read.

39 Times and Counting

by ItWasIDio - Data/Geordi LaForge - 1 Chapter

Making out while on duty is often ill-advised.

Real talk, this is one of my favourite pairings, especially for fluff and comedy: it's so sweet, and I like this fic, too. Pleasant characterisation and the perfect amount of humour.

Captain America

What Ever Happened to Fay Wray?

by debwalsh - Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers (shunkyclunks) - 13 Chapters

When Dr. Bucky Barnes reaches out to Captain America to autograph some old film posters to help raise money to restore an old movie theatre in Brooklyn, Steve jumps at the chance to reconnect with his own personal history. Steve didn’t expect the film history professor to be so attractive, or the theatre to be so changed. He admits that when he was young, he would sneak into the theatre through a secret route - a route that is still there and apparently hadn’t been discovered and renovated, a route with secrets of its own. As Steve introduces Bucky to the forgotten history of the theater and they work together to restore the movie palace to its former glory, they discover they have more in common than just a love of theater. And maybe a few surprises along the way, too.

This fic is long, but very interesting and quite lovely.

Poppies of the Field

by kaasknot

- Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers

- 13 Chapters

"Thank you for purchasing a StarkTech Companion 'Bot! Please state your name for licensing." Wherein Bucky is a severely agoraphobic combat veteran, and Steve is the android he buys out of loneliness.

Now, I definitely have a soft spot for androids. This fic really draws you in with the delightful characterisations. Definitely one of my favourites, especially given that I don't usually take to AUs!

James Bond (Craig Films)

Ordinary Numbers

by BootsnBlossoms, Kryparia

- James Bond/Q

- 12 Chapters

More than anything, Mike Taylor wanted to be ordinary. Being a genius, he learned early in life, meant people expected too much. A career at the MI6 Help Desk seemed the perfect way to guarantee a lifetime of obscurity, until he got a very unusual tech support call.

These (two?) authors have written lots of works in this fandom, and in particular their collaborations are quite good. This one especially. But here's a filter search for the rest of them anyway!

Merlin

Plight & Providence

by spocksnipples

- Merlin/Arthur Pendragon

- 2 Chapters

The sun, burning low in the morning sky, backlights the guy’s head of blonde, framing his hair with a halo of glowing gold. God have mercy, groans Merlin’s sleep deprived brain, a prince come to sweep me into his arms and carry me out of this hole of study I’ve dug myself into. “Mmm,” murmurs the guy, staring lovingly at his yellow-wrapped food. “Beesechurger.” -- Merlin is on scholarship and Arthur is a post-graduation mess

Written by a good friend of mine, with encouragement. Started as a crackfic, ended up with a distinct world and nice prose! Well done to my pal, spocksnipples.

BBC Dracula

Blood Of My Blood

by blood_stained_fingers

- Dracula/Jonathan Harker

- 1 Chapter

“I think he’s made you his friend.” What if the Count had made Jonathan his friend? The Count has an appetite for science, and what harm can a little experiment do? An AU and a retelling of Jonathan's stay at Castle Dracula.

This appealed to my inner creep.

BBC Sherlock

I'm not really in this fandom anymore, but there was this one work I wanted to rec:

Gone Is My Past

by cyerus

- Gen

- 1 Chapter

John is an army bomb detection dog who has been turned into a human. Angst. No, really, angst.

I really wanted to list this fic because it's so unusual. It's very good, and despite the unusual concept, it's a powerfully poignant and genuinely emotional story (if you can manage to take it seriously).

Greystoke (1984)

Two Poor Men Whom Fate Forsook

by epkitty

- Phillippe D'Arnot/John "Tarzan" Clayton

- 1 Chapter

For a short time, Phillippe takes what he wants.

This is a short fic, and quite peculiar. Granted it's in maybe one of the smallest fandoms on earth, but there's just something about it.

[trashfoundation]

*gives bright the ｂｅｅｓｃｈｕｒｇｅｒ. it is way too wide, has the bread and the patty mixed up, and looks like someone couldn'r decide whether they wanted their aesthetic to be deepfried memes or vaporwave. you can hear a faint buzzing sound from the unimportant kernel of Åëòçλû in the center, but don't worry about it, it's probably fine. just don't bring this near kondraki*

[Bright regards the beesechurger with a mix of disgust and fascination. He knows that he shouldn’t eat this. Something like this should go in containment.]

[He compromises by cutting it in half and saving one half for containment. He eats the other half before anyone can stop him.]

[rxsethxrned]

long semi-crack post but uh. tl;dr I’m changing faceclaims again cause I’m kinshifting harder than I thought I’d be

((rose. rose it’s happening again. I’m kinshifting and even tho I made a sideblog I feel like. my faceclaim here on my main is gonna change. like,,,now))

“Er...your what is going to change?”

POOF.

((,,,,,hee hoo.))

“I...have no idea what you’re supposed to be.”

(rest of the post under the cut cause it’s. long. as in there’s a decent amount of scrolling and icons just make it longer. plus the rest isn’t as important it’s just my dumb sense of humor kicking in.)

((I’m taller than you. for once. I finally get to call someone else a shorty,,,tho it does feel weird being tall,,,oh well. heehoo shorty.))

“No, I mean...your appearance just...changed drastically. You...don’t look human, and certainly not like any Pokémon I’ve seen. So...what are you supposed to be?”

((I’m mystery!! and you’re a shorty!! heehooheehooheehoo!!!! check out my sideblog!!!!!!!! I originally wasn’t gonna change faceclaims here but I’m shifting too hard to not change faceclaims so here I am!!!! and now that that’s out of the way we can get back to actual rp stuff on here right?? ye. new faceclaim, new rp stuff, actual content that isn’t abt my kin shit! ,,,starting after this post goes up!!!))

“I have no idea what any of that means. And just because this new form makes you taller than me, it doesn’t mean--”

((I’m literally tall and you’re not. you’re not my dad. do you want a fuccing beesechurger.))

Exasperated sigh. This is the shit he has to put up with now. Someone help him.

[gwarmemestraightfromtboh]

gwar tag yourself

greetings human scum before i serve you this platter of shitpost i would like to introduce myself—I am Endometra The Anguished and your torment is my glee. You will enjoy my presence whether you like it or not.

🐮Udder Hatred For Everything

- wants to live in a little secluded cottage in the woods

- only drinks moon water

- EXTREME MISANTHROPY

- can probably talk to woodland creatures and recruit them to destroy humanity

👹Stimky

- LOUD

- always mad @ something

- virgo

- secretly craves love and attention

🐠Fishy n Stanky

- is actually babie

- absolutely and unfairly oppressed by the court

- *puppy noises*

- gender: penis

🦖Land Before Time

- also could've been babie but NO everyone had to crack him out

- only slymie saw what he could've been

- rawr XD

- MISUNDERSTOOD

💉Menstrual Blood Clot

- backwards facing fangs in her vagina

- queen of bloodshed

- goddess of female doms

- I LOVE HER

💜Estradiol™️

- adorably optimistic and doesn't fit in but they let her stay bc she's probably a "TOP 10 CHARACTERS THAT COULD KILL THANOS"

- insists that they’re all “best friends” despite everyone else’s protests to the contrary

- only thing in the entire multiverse that slymenstra feels even a symblance of love for

- wants to make slow, meaningful passionate love and serenade slymie and believe it or not she “tolerates” it

🥄Testicular Distress

- stress cooks

- tries to cure his depression with masturbation

- in love with a dead raccoon

- can’t drive or do math

🦠Bubonic Pustule

- loves cats but doesn’t want anyone to know

- analfuckmaster 8000

- acne positivity

- crusty boi

💨 Flat Stanley

- stoned 24/7

- that one kid that never grew out of his dinosaur obsession

- smells like dead flowers

- steals cro-magnon artifacts from the smithsonian but only on tuesdays

🍔FUCKEN BEESECHURGER

- has a severe god complex

- bitter about love

- inhales everything in his immediate vicinity like kirby or some shit

- believes we should bring back gladiator battles for population control

🐶Canid Semen (do we know anything at all about him? up for debate.)

- furry dudebro

- that’s it

- oh yeah his name is brad

- ESPN

🍆Libido Chef

- cooks with bälsäc a lot

- surprisingly domestic

- literally unable to stop thinking about how he would fuck every person around him

- Extra™️ as motherfucking shit

🔩DS Lite

- thinks he’s the shit

- “married” to slymie

- going through a Rebellious Phase™️

- annoying little brother

⚙️3DS XL

- is actually the shit

- somehow both fits in with everyone else and is also A Good Boy™️

- *circular saw noises*

- probably laughs like, really fucking loudly

🚽Oh No

- RIP

- scat kink

- he didn’t even fucking need their shit to recreate the tablet he just wanted to fulfill all his sexual fantasies

- RIP (but this time louder for the people in the back)

🔮Dickhead

- reminds me just a little too much of that time gary (spongebob) turned into a wizard or some shit

- the only character out of everyone that’s even slightly careful/prudent about anything

- really really smart but doesn’t show it

- Mom Friend™️

🐢Femur Breaker (he's gonna kill me for giving him the turtle emoji)

- ugly friend

- massive pushover

- has killed and will kill again

- legally not allowed to say fuck

💰Martin's Sandwich Potato Bread

- living embodiment of "lets get this bread"

- goes through 5 cans of aquanet each morning

- extra gum WISHES it was him

- looks like a cigar/tobacco connoisseur but he just buys the most expensive ones he can find

💎Ken Doll

- BITCH ASS THINKS HES SOMETHIN SPECIAL

- looks goofy

- im mad at him

- THIS MAN killed my father

🧪Cranial Think Tank Countenance

- built like a green bean

- genetically predisposed to addiction

- was kinda chill and sweet and then she fuckin snapped

- walter white WISHES he could

🎀Fuckface

- literally cannot help being a hoe

- really smart but massively underrated in their position at the lab

- made of regret and failed poledancer dreams

- they died as they lived—getting fucked in the skull

⚔️Synnabon

- thinks he's God or some shit

- micromanager of the universe

- weirdly obsessed with babies

- SELFISH ASS WANTS THE UNIVERSE ALL TO HIMSELF

✝️Catholicism

- *angry bigot noises*

- probably related to the grandma in flowers in the attic

- married to the 2nd amendment

- "OK boomer"

🇺🇸Annoyingly Patriotic

- hates having fun

- secretly gay

- steals alien dicks

- thinks the entire US budget should go towards military

🗿Master Bates

- w h a t t h e f u c k

- guys i seriously dont know shit about him

- OTHER THAN THAT HES A FUCKING ASSHOLE

- i will face the master and walk backwards into hell

aight fuckers my memory isnt the best so if i missed anyone let me know