#He just didn't think a simple wardrobe change would be this effective at getting a reaction out of her.

[toasteaa]

now i need to know how eclair tries to focus when neuvillette shows up in palais mermonia in a dashing new outfit because there’s a ceremony or an event planned for the afternoon and he wouldn’t have the time to switch his clothes after work 👀 — manu

She doesn't!! She CAN'T!!!

That's a lie - she tries to stay focused and then fails because what else do you do when you're so used to seeing your beloved old dragon in the same judicial get up every single day, nearly to the point that you'd assume that's the only style of clothing he owns (not that there's anything wrong with it at all, they have their own appeal that she enjoys), and then he comes to your office in the midmorning wearing that? You lose every single train of thought you had, that's what you do.

Vivid mental image of her trailing off when she looks up from a case file at him and really takes in his outfit. Blanks out for a moment until Neuvillette asks her to continue. Tries not to stumble over her words but she still says, "this case is far more handsome - hands on, sorry - than I initially assumed". Struggles to recap a few more points, gives up after about five minutes, and just gives him the most incredulous look brightened up by a smile and breathless little chuckle. Pauses, pushes some of her hair back with a deep breath, stares back down at her desk to try and collect some thoughts, stares back at him when she realizes that's impossible, and says (in a marginally strained tone), "new outfit?"

A question with an obvious answer, but Neuvillette gives that small, soft smile that goes straight through her heart every time and he gives that slight nod in confirmation. And all Eclair can do is clear her throat and nod back and try not to ogle him so openly and say, "good, good. It's, um. You look. Sorry - you look...really fucking good. NICE! Sorry, I mean that you...you look nice! Very, very nice..."

Someone help her. She's going to hide in the archives and bury herself under a million file boxes. Maybe they'll crush her before the embarrassment gets a chance to eat her alive.

[freesia-writes]

Lil Life Update for Y'all <3

I've been a lil cryptic or back-n-forth, I think, and just wanted to share a little bit about what's been going on. I say it's not for attention but who knows what motives lurk under there, LOL. It's mostly because I love you all and want to let you in, also hope that it's encouraging or connective for anyone else who's experienced the same, and also I just miss the community I have sooooo loved here. 🥹

I'm a 34yo female with 2 kids aged 4 and 7. I had depression like crazy during and after my second pregnancy especially. In Aug 2021, my primary doc suggested I try something like Zoloft since I'd been complaining of irritability, no capacity, constant worry, and other anxiety symptoms. When I did feel some relief and felt encouraged that I could "feel like myself" again, I pursued solutions for other issues I was noticing. Over the last year and a half, it's been quite a ride. ADHD symptoms led to Adderall for 4 days, then Wellbutrin for a few months, then Buspar for a few months, then Strattera (tapering up and then back down) for about 3 months, then Ritalin for 1 month, which I thought was helping until we realized that the entire month of October was basically an increasingly manic episode.

Whew.

We're talkin 2007 Britney here (ok I didn't shave it but I cut my hair off into a pixie). Spent thousands on a new wardrobe of the "dark academia" style. Bought Disneyland tickets. Invested in a photography mentorship. So much energy and inspiration. Then we realized it was getting out of hand.

I had also been tapering off a lot of the meds over the last two months, so it was just a crazy cocktail of chemicals that made my brain finally go kaput. I finished the last dose of Zoloft on November 5th, and that was the last of the meds, so now I'm off everything. My therapist thought the mania was medication-induced due to all the changes plus the addition of the stimulant, so the goal was to try to allow everything to settle down and see what "baseline" is for me right now.

And it has been frickin HARD.

Cervical vertigo. All-or-nothing sleep and appetite. Extreme sensory sensitivity. Random itchiness. Racing mind. Total inability to focus. And the worst part has been the mood swings.

I'm basically having all the symptoms of bipolar disorder in a rapid-cycle format. It may be cyclothymia, or it may be the withdrawal effects from all the meds, but regardless... It's been quite the roller coaster. The nerd in me has been fascinated by the experiential knowledge of it all, since I majored in Psychology and have always loved learning about it, but the overall negative effects on me and my family have been difficult.

I'm someone who has always relied completely on being highly capable and in control. I find my worth in my productivity and competence. And it has caused increasing stress throughout my life. I've been praying for years that God would break me of it, and I can see how he is using this to do precisely that -- lovingly trying to answer my request to be freed of this relentless pursuit of the illusion of control. He's inviting me to simple, joyful life of trust. The perspective shift is so freeing when I realize that I don't need to have it all figured out because he already does, and I can just rest in his loving guidance and look to him for the next step instead of trying to plan out every possible outcome and strategy. I went on a reflective retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains and just felt so encouraged and loved in the way he invited me to let my shoulders down and to ground myself in his warm provision and care.

But the change doesn't happen overnight.

So in the middle of a total storm of bipolar symptoms -- days of mania followed by days of depressive episodes and being so new at it all that I don't know how to navigate "normal life" with all of that -- I'm also trying to rewire 34 years' worth of the way I think and act. BUT it's a blessedly simple process: the only thing I have to worry about is this moment. I can't affect the future or the past. So all I have is right now, and I can turn to God for guidance, encouragement, insight, or anything I need in this moment, and he is so faithful to give it. But man, it's easy to forget. ;)

Literally me with that right now, trying to figure it all out on my own before I remember I can't and don't need to:

Anyway, this got LONG, surprise surprise, but I've always enjoyed being vulnerable for the sake of connection and potential encouragement. And selfishly, I'd LOVE to hear from any of you who may have had similar experiences. Right now the fixation of my [very limited] capacity is on my photography business, but I've been feeling drawn to writing more and more, and have attempted a lil drabble here and there. So I'm just patiently waiting for the inspiration to return. :)

I have so appreciated the love from you all. I also haven't been as active with reading/reblogging/supporting/etc as I was, and that's just where I'm at right now, but please know that my heart is with you even if my brain is not, LOL.

If you made it this far, you get a gold star. Or a Howzer hug. Or somethin. :)

[cononeillbreastingboobily]

If Stede and Ed finally got together, and Stede wanted to ✨ get it on ✨ with Ed but had no idea what to do, Izzy would show him how it's done, just like a good first mate would for his captain.

Plus he would probably tell Stede of all things Ed secretly loves in the bedroom, which, if he didn't learn those from sleeping with Ed himself, he probably heard or saw a liiittle too much for his own liking over the years.

They go through one of such lessons (clothes on of course, as Stede might be a pirate, but he's still a gentleman pirate, and even if he were to even try and suggest any degree of undress, Izzy would gouge his eyes out) and Ed walks in on them one time. Stede is simply embarrassed, while Izzy could throw himself overboard. Ed, however, turns the whole situation into a joke, saying things like "gentlemen, if you wanted to, ahem, spend some time alone without me or the crew, all you had to do was ask :D".

Stede goes on to explain that it was nothing like that, and all the while Izzy gets so red in the face one could think he was about to explode right there and then.

They separate that day and never have those "lessons" again. If asked, neither Izzy nor Stede would tell you the truth about whether they have pictured themselves in an intimate situation with the other since they started their little training, or even before then. Izzy, of course, would say something along the lines of "what the fuck did you just say to me? get back here so I could cut out your fucking tongue!". Stede, in a typical Stede fashion, would trail off from the conversation and change the topic entirely.

And yet neither could ignore the way they looked at each other since that day. Stede couldn't help observing the motion with which Izzy fixed his glove from that moment forward. It felt so 17th century, to feel yourself... Lose focus, from the sight of a simple wrist or a peek of a hand. And yet, there he was.

And Izzy was in no better condition. He'd catch himself staring a little too hard for a little too long in Stede's direction whenever he had an especially loosely fitted shirt on, and a bit of chest hair could be visible just above the fabric. He'd get increasingly frustrated with himself, as even Stede's laugh or the way that he smiles would immediately catch his attention, even from across the deck.

He couldn't take it much longer.

He was about to depart in a dinghy one night, gone forever, when, after having a lengthy conversation with Ed, Stede sorted through his feelings and decided to pursue Izzy just as he'd pursued Ed, with just as much warmth and flair and ✨ Stede charm ✨. He approaches Izzy to tell him as much.

Izzy, of course, is dumbfounded to learn this. Because it's a joke, right?

But alas, it is not.

And Stede decides to prove it by pulling one of the the "stun moves" Izzy has taught him during their lessons.

Which included grabbing Izzy and dipping him low, and then kissing him silly.

At least... Until then they ended things on the dipping.

And it is super effective, when he does the whole thing.

Izzy found kissing his second captain strangely enjoyable, even if he was mad at Stede for surprising him so suddenly.

But their kiss ends, and Izzy's face changes somewhat. And Stede sees that, and knows what it means. He happily calls out to the captain's quarters:

"You were right Ed, I think it worked!"

Ed shows up at the door, dressed in one of Stede's fancy nightgowns from the auxiliary wardrobe. On his face - a knowing smile.

Izzy got even more confused than before.

"Wait, boss? This-" here he pointed at Stede, then himself, then at Stede again. "You're okay with this?"

Ed lazily strolled in their direction.

"Oh, Izz. How could I not be? I care about both of you, and you make each other happy. There's nothing wrong with that. Plus-"

Ed stood facing them both, one hand on Stede's shoulder, one on Izzy's. He gave a peck to Stede's cheek, and then he did the same on the little "x" marking Izzy's face.

"-We don't own each other. Okay?" Ed finished.

Izzy stared at him, thoughts running through his head. Finally however, he replied:

"Okay. Thank you, boss."

Ed patted their shoulders and started making his way back to the captain's cabin.

"You really don't have to call me that anymore, Izzy. But anyways, I'll leave you boys to it, yeah?" he said with a wink, and disappeared behind the door.

Izzy looked after him, until he heard Stede clear his throat.

"Now-"

"Where were we?" Izzy interrupted, and pulled Stede closer by the collar, shutting him up with a kiss.

[mgsapphire]

Ethics and morality... and how they're not the same...

Weird title, and I don't even know if I'll properly approach this one with all the topics I wish to this discuss in today's The Devil Judge essay, because a lot of things peaked my interest, I was debating on doing a separate post for each subject, but I'll do them all in here:

Starting simple

I know we're only 4 episodes in, but I want to break down the things that I often look for in a new show:

Cinematography

Soundtrack

Character building

Plot devices

Social commentary (sometimes)

Of course, these are things most people would consider basics, but I find that a lot of TV shows don't have enough balance in them. Also, cinematography and soundtrack are pretty up there for me because when a plot gets slow, or something like that, I stay for those two (biggest example: King Eternal Monarch).

The soundtrack in The Devil Judge is amazing and the cinematography can be a character of its own. They really get me hooked and are used as tools to properly tell a story. And I'll get into that further down this post.

The onlooker will never understand the actor

Experience is your best friend not only applies to job hunting, but it's true in the real world too. You can't truly weigh in on something unless you've experienced it yourself, you can give it your judgment and everything, but when bad things happen to someone, you'll never truly understand their pain. Am I bringing up because of the difference of mind in Judge Kang and Judge Kim's opinions? On how the public treated the minister's son? No. I'm talking about a very specific scene, where the cinematography told me to think that way and not the dialogue (it's that easy for my mind to be swayed). In episode 3, when the rich are about to dine right after the foundation's commercial for a better future, we see this aerial shot:

What's interesting about this? The seclusion and the enclosed feeling it conveys as a counterpart to the poverty shots we were just shown. Yet, these are the people making ads for a better future, what do they know?

They live comfortably behind concrete walls with no windows to see what goes on apart from the bubble they live in. This idea is further enforced at the party in episode 4, where they're not even a part of the donations, and watch and mock from afar as spectators. Yet, these people call the shots. They even call it commenting, as if they were watching the pain of others on TV.

The intriguing personality and the duality it encites

Now, this was a costume and wardrobe decision, but it was also very well thought of:

Judge Kim wears white and Judge Kang wears black. One is morally perceived by viewers of the show as morally good and the other is perceived as morally dubious at best. However, besides the costume and wardrobe thought put into this, we also have to think about the delivery of this scene and how it may further affect my detailing of this section. Judge Kang brings down the coats, and hangs over the coat to Judge Kim, he's the one who is making that annotation: You're pure, I'm tainted. This can have one of two interpretations:

Either Judge Kang believes Judge Kim to be pure and innocent due to his status as a rookie in the field

Or he believes Judge Kim to be morally white and himself morally black as he's looking at his brother's face and not at Judge Kim's heart.

Because most of the back story we're unveiling is through Judge Kim's perception, there's also an inherit bias we're having as well, because in Judge Kim narrative, he believes he's doing what's right and believes Judge Kang to be evil. In being served information about Judge Kang through Judge Kim's eyes, our bias is inherently skewed.

Another thing is that, when they put on the coat, they're standing in front of the other, as if the producers of this series are telling us they're two sides of the same coin.

The duality is made in more deceitful ways, which include:

A difference of classes that implies one has suffered while the other has not.

A difference of experience that implies one is more tainted while the other is pure.

A difference of age that implies one is a sly fox while the other one is is bunny about to be eaten.

A difference of temper that makes one erratic and the other logical.

Power dynamics

This one, in this one I could make a whole thesis based on just a couple of scenes in the drama. And you know I have to mention it: director Jung being the puppeteer.

It may not be as unexpected at first, nevertheless it brings forward a lot of things I've wished to touch upon for quite some time now. A woman being a puppeteer of an old man in the portrayed dystopia that The Devil Judge is painting makes much more sense than more common demonstrations of these dynamics where it's either a:

A man of power being controlled by a bigger man of power.

A man of power being controlled by a seemingly man of a lower status.

A woman being controlled by a man of power.

Although, there's nothing wrong with those power dynamics, and if they were to be used, a message could also be conveyed, this one in particular works as a megaphone.

A subversion of power in such a way can be interpreted as a true indication of the weak overcoming the powerful. Why? It is not that woman are naturally weaker than men, but that in society, patriarchy has been a big factor in taking voice away from women in order to give it to men.

In order for Director Jung to achieve her purposes, it's smarter for her to do it under the pretense that an old rich man in power is the one calling the shots.

This is better exemplified by her stance when the old man tries to excuse his behavior, and what her moral compass is. I'm not saying I agree with her unethical conduct, but that her morality is directly impacted by the perception of the public of her as a weak woman:

Just because a dog bites a human does the person get dirty?

This is telling on how she perceives the actions of the old man in gropping the waitress. She didn't do anything wrong, even if you touched her, you are the dirty one.

While she's evil, it's a refreshing and deep evil.

The public's opinion and how there's actually logic in the show's portrayal

The public opinion can make or break a person, even if it's not on a public trial like this. While "cancel culture" barely works in today's society, a person's reputation is forever tainted. The show does tell that, but it also exhibits the scary downside of it, by showing how easily it was to make people accept flaggelation as a fitting punishment.

There are many experiments that have tried to test the effect of societal pressure on an individual's decision and the effect of the authority's enforcement of power in the outcome of these decisions. Furthermore, theories based on analysis of human behavior not necessarily relying on experiments can also help break this down. What do I mean? Here's a small attempt at explaining:

Milgram Experiment on Authority: which measured the individual willingness to carry out actions that go against their conscience due to an authority's approval.

Argument from Authority; The idea that people are more likely to use an authority's opinion on something as an argument for their reason. This is often seen in science, where trusted authorities have done the research and offer it to the public. In here, authority bias also plays a role, as we often believe, at first, that an authority must be right.

Moral disengagement: basically speaking, because this is evil or bad, I'm not part of it and I most probably am not actively participating in it. One may disengage by moral justification, which means that before engaging in something that has been previously perceived as immoral, I'm changing my stance on it based on what I tell myself to be logical arguments. This particular form of moral disengagement is very effective in changing the public opinion. I'll be touching on another form further down this post.

Other factors played a part, but these ones in particular came to mind when public flagelation as a form of corporeal punishment was wildly accepted. First, an authority is the one telling them it's correct, to go ahead. Secondly, another authority (the minister) had previously shown approval to such unusual punishment. Thirdly, they are not the ones to be engaging directly in the act, and even if they were, it would be acceptable because an authority has told them so. They may even believe the punishment to be a necessary evil for the greater good.

In fact, the minister's son was actually correct when pleading his case, they were accepting it because it wouldn't affect them directly.

Regarding the cinematographic descent of the public opinion regarding the situation can better be exemplified by the old man we've seen through the episodes.

Does suffering justify misdeeds?

Today I came along the difference between excuse and reason. You may give a reason for your behavior, but it doesn't excuse it.

Not because I've suffered through shit, means I have to make you suffer too.

I may explain myself, but it's on the other side to excuse me.

Why I hate the unreliable narrator and why I love it so much

This story has been told mostly through the eyes of Judge Kim and what he hears and sees regarding Judge Kang, if anything, the narrative is very close to that of the narrative we've seen in The Great Gatsby. An enigmatic man is being narrated to us from the eye of a man who hasn't known him for a long time.

How is that an unreliable narrator? The narrator has their own set of bias and moral standards which function as lenses through which they see the world.

Another way of putting it would be the way teenage romances are often written in a first person narrative where either of the two teenagers is the narrator, so the author can sell to us something as simple as offering a pack of gum as the most romantic act on earth. We're perceiving interactions through rose tainted glasses.

In this case, we're seeing the interactions through Judge Kim's eyes who doesn't trust Judge Kang from the get go due to his own preset bias.

The narrative becomes even more unreliable as we're not exactly sure if what Judge Kang disclosed himself is a fact.

The reason why I love this narrative is because it leaves a lot of space to make simple plot twists to a narrative and make them seem grand, and can elongate a story without making it obvious.

The reason why I hate it is because sometimes, in tv shows mostly, we as viewers can see the other side of the story and grow increasingly frustrated with the main character's prejudice and misunderstandings (I'm looking at you my beloved Beyond Evil).

Also, because I have to wait for a long time before I actually have a clear picture of it.

[seeuonadarknite]

one of the boys — yandere overhaul x f. reader

apparently woman are looked down upon in the yakuza,, shame on y'all ;( forgive me for my poor smut writing skills, i might write longer smut in the future if y’all want it 😳

warnings: dubcon, stalking, gore (overhaul's quirk), explicit smut.

All it took was a dramatic wardrobe change, a short haircut, extensive vocal practice, and the removal of all of your files to worm your way into the Shie Hassaikai.

That's right, you were a woman that was a part of the Yakuza. It wasn't a simple task on your end; you had to let go of everything you knew in order to live this dangerous life.

You believed it was unfortunate how women were looked down upon in the underground world. It took months of preparations to prepare yourself for this role, not even including your extensive quirk training.

Finally, after months of trying to remove all personal and medical files on yourself, you had successfully managed to fake your identity and wow the Shie Hassaikai with your unique quirk.

You had an informational quirk that allowed you to solve any case within seconds. The only downside to this quirk was how you needed the names of the people involved in the case. Your quirk also didn't give you any sort of super intuition, so you still needed to be on guard most of the time.

This quirk was honestly quite useful when it came down to it, so why did you decide use it in the way that you did? Why not become a hero, or an assistant, or even a villain for that matter? Why give your life away and allow yourself to become a slave to the underground world?

It was simple, really. It was all because of the boss of the Shie Hassaikai; Chisaki Kai. Also known as Overhaul.

This man ridded you of the only parental figure you had in your life. Your father. It was only one year ago when you arrived to an empty house and a note on the counter left by your father. It was a warning, telling you to stay away from the mob boss that went by Chisaki Kai.

Just his name was enough information to use your quirk, allowing you to crack the case in a matter of 5 seconds. He had blown your father up. All because he was beginning to figure out the secrets on who he really was.

This was enough to encourage you to avenge your father, and finish the job. It was a miracle that you were recruited, and no one had further questioned your mysterious backstory.

Well, almost no one.

The mob boss himself had questioned your presence the second you become apart of Shie Hassaikai. Why were your files almost completely nonexistent? Why did you seem so on edge around the other members? Why did you seem so interested in the name of the past leader?

Oh. Oh.

Now he got it. He pieced your suspiciousness and your quirk together. You were trying to get the dirt on him, weren't you? Why else would you willingly join the Yakuza with your useful quirk with open arms?

Two could play at that game, then. Kai began discreetly following you around, keeping tabs on important things like who you talked to, what you did on your phone or laptop, what times you'd leave the vicinity, and other things of the sort. Perhaps he could admit it was getting a little bit obsessive.

But he swore to himself that he was just trying to protect his status and not allow any traitors to get away with anything. That's why he took it upon himself to follow you home one night. He needed to make sure that you weren't spreading information or doing anything suspicious.

But boy, did he not expect to see what he saw through your bedroom window. You had taken your uniform off, along with layers of binding clothing to hide any type of curvature. What really surprised him, was the fact that you had breasts and what looked to be laced panties covering your womanhood.

One would assume that this would infuriate the mob boss, knowing that he had been betrayed and lied to by one of his men. But the tent growing in his pants proved otherwise.

Oh, he would have fun with this one.

—

You had been summoned to the boss's private office. Odd, on normal circumstances if the boss wanted to meet with you, it'd be planned out and in a meeting room. But you had received the order on one of your night shifts by a tall, hooded, masked man.

Shaking off any paranoid thoughts, you gently knocked on the large mahogany door, almost hoping you wouldn't receive an answer. To your dismay, you heard the monotone voice of your boss. "Come in."

As soon as you stepped foot into the office, you almost gasped at the sight before you. His office was huge. It was probably the size of the first floor of your house. Before you could gawk at the nicely furnished office any longer, Kai cleared his throat, successfully gaining your undivided attention.

"Boss! Sorry, it's just that your office is so nice, I've never seen anything l—" Your ramblings were cut short by the masked man before you.

"Quiet. I want you to come here." He curled his gloved finger a few times, indicating that he wanted you to meet him behind his desk.

Okay, now things were getting really weird. You didn't question his orders in fear of getting your body blown into nothing. Reluctantly, you made your way over behind the large, polished desk. As soon as you were standing next to Kai's sitting form, he shot up from his seat and slammed you onto the desk, causing a few items to fall onto the floor.

"Did you really think you could get away with deceiving me like this? Pretending to be a man just to get the dirt on me? Pathetic." Your eyes were as wide as saucers as you trembled in fear. This only caused Kai's pants to tighten around his cock, feeling an immense power trip.

You should've looked into this meeting before you carelessly walked into the clutches of the devil himself. Here you were, getting your uniform quite literally ripped off of your body.

Kai clicked his tongue at the bindings that covered your chest. "Your body must be in constant agony because of that poor binding job." He slipped his gloves off with ease, allowing his quirk to destroy the bindings and free your breasts.

What you didn't notice, was the shocked expression that covered Kai's features. As he touched you, he didn't receive a single hive. He wanted to savor the feeling of your soft skin, knowing it wouldn't have any negative effects on his.

Before you could retaliate, you felt smooth, large hands begin to roughly palm at your breasts. Kai wasted no time and leaned his head down to swirl his tongue around the hardened bud on one of your breasts, while the other one was being fondled and pinched by Kai's hand. You whimpered as his teeth began leaving bite marks all over your soft mounds.

As much as you wanted to scream and shout, you couldn't help but feel a pool begin to form between your legs. He was just so good and seemed to know exactly what he was doing, even if he had never touched a female in such a way.

"Aren't you a little slut? I've barely even touched you and you're already soaking wet." The smug man pulled away from your breasts, opting to slide his hand under your panties. You couldn't help the moans that escaped your lips as he practically shoved a finger inside of you, feeling your tightened cunt squeeze around it.

He grinned, gradually slipping in two more fingers while rubbing your clit with the palm of his hand. It was quite the show for him, seeing you shamelessly grind yourself onto his hand. He could only imagine how you felt around his swelling cock.

And before you knew it, you had been clenching around his fingers and twitching in place, allowing yourself to cum all over his hand.

On any normal circumstances, Kai would find this act utterly repulsive. He would feel the need to scrub his hands until they bled. But for some ungodly reason, he felt the urge to fuck you until you couldn't form coherent words.

Hastily pushing your panties to the side, Kai wasted no time in pulling his lengthy cock out. Before you had the chance to even ask about protection, you felt your insides being stretched by Kai's massive cock.

He didn't even give you a chance to adjust to his length. "O-Overhaul, wait! You're gonna rip me apart at this rate..!" You stuttered, silently cursing yourself out for appearing so pathetic to your superior. Your pitiful attempt at retaliation only caused Kai's thrusts to pick up in speed, rivaling the movements of a wild animal.

You wanted to hate it, you really did. You were allowing yourself to get ravaged by the man that killed your father. But he pleasured you in a way that your mere left hand would never be able to accomplish. It almost felt like his cock was meant to be inside of you.

"Good. I want your body to become accustomed to mine. Only I'll be allowed to fuck you like this." You hadn't even realized he had taken his mask off before he leaned in and attacked your lips with his. Your mouth had moved on its own, as you allowed his tongue to ravage your oral cavity.

After pulling away with a light string of saliva separating the two of you, Kai forcefully folded your legs into your chest. This action allowed him to bury his cock deep inside of you; deep enough to hit your cervix.

Now this had you going. You couldn't even contain yourself as you clenched around his cock, feeling you near your climax. Kai soon interrupted the sound of grunts, moans, and slapping by leaning forward and whispering in your ear.

"I want you to pledge that you'll keep your dirty secret, that you won't let the others know that you're not a sophisticated detective, but dirty little cock slut. Only I'm allowed to fuck you like this. Only I'm allowed to touch you. Come on. Say it!" He grunted, raising his voice towards the end of his command.

"I-I promise not to tell a soul..! You're the only one who knows my secret and the only one allowed to relish in it!" You couldn't believe the words coming out of your mouth. You were basically allowing the man who ruined your life to be the only person in your life that knew your true identity. To be the only person allowed to touch you.

It was wrong in so many ways, but you couldn't help but submit to him. The way his lengthy cock slammed against your cervix was enough to make you fall for his spell.

"Good girl. Good.." He grunted, feeling you clench around him and practically milk the semen right out of him as you also reached your limit. Your moans rivaled with ones of a pornstar's as you felt him release his warm, sticky seed into your womb.

He found himself reluctantly pulling his dick out of the warmth of your hole, almost cringing at the feeling of the cool air as soon as he pulled out. Meanwhile, you were finally beginning to come to your senses and realize how fucked up all of this was. The now masked man simply just sighed, walking away from the desk that you laid atop.

"I'm going off to take a shower. If I come back and you're not changed and cleaned up, there will be further punishments."

This was not how you expected this to play out.

[ramblingaboutthings]

take a picture it’ll last longer - Peter Parker

The pics are not mine they’re from @/angelic.tsh on Instagram

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Summary: Being best friends with Peter was simple, he was a complete dork yes, but she loved how cute and nerdy he could get and Let's just say that a pool party can change a lot of things.

Words: 1.4k

Warnings: no one I think lmao, just wanted to say that @/whataboutthehorizon on wattpad edited this and I love her bye. :) (It's set during homecoming)

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Being best friends with Peter was simple. Yes, he was a complete dork, but you loved how cute and nerdy he could get. Not to mention those chocolate brown eyes of his. They drove you crazy.

"Liz! Truth or dare?" Miles asked.

She furrowed her eyebrows, clearly thinking hard about the choice. "Dare" she said cheerfully.

"I dare you to invite that nerd Parker to your pool party! I bet he's still as scrawny as last year."

You suddenly choked on the water you were drinking.

"Y/n? Are you okay?" Liz asked.

You nodded violently. “Yes,” you mumbled. "You're going to invite Peter to your pool party?"

She nodded and smiled softly.

“Is there a problem, Y/n?” Miles asked teasingly.

You shook your head no despite the fact that there was a problem, Peter was your secret crush, and lately he had been distant.

You continued to stay silent as you watched everyone doing exercises. MJ, your other friend was reading a book while Peter and Ned were whispering to each other.

“Hey Parker!” Miles yelled. He turned around, avoiding your worried gaze. “Wanna come to Liz’s pool party tonight?”

 Peter furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Yeah Pete, you should come! It’ll be fun.” Liz added.

Peter blushed and started to fidget with his fingers. “Y-yeah, I think I’ll come.” He stuttered a little, which made you smile brightly.

You continued to talk with Liz and Miles. After a little bit, Spider-Man became the topic.

“I honestly love Spider-Man.” Liz smiled dreamingly.

You turned your gaze to the floor. “I love him too, but I’d love the person behind the mask even more. He's an angel. You can't deny that,” you said, still looking at the floor. You looked up a little and saw Peter smiling to himself. You thought it was weird but adorable. You smiled and blushed, still staring at him. Eventually you became lost in your mind, until MJ interrupted your thoughts.

“Oh my God, you like Parker!" she whispered with a laugh. "What? No!" you yelled.

 Everyone turned to you making you blush fiercely.  

“You what?!" Miles said, laughing his ass off.

"Okay everyone! Go back to whatever you were doing!" MJ yelled. They obeyed, but her look worried you more than the whole class staring at you.

She took your hand and pulled you to the locker room without even telling the teacher. The two of you sat down on the freezing floor.

"You like Peter," she said with a look that screamed "Don't lie to me bitch.”

You sighed and stayed quiet for a bit before nodding your head.

"I knew it!" she smiled.

Thankfully, P.E. was your last period, so after that whole ordeal, you walked home. Once you arrived home, you ran to your room and opened your wardrobe and began to sort through your bikinis. You picked up a red bikini, then a green one. After shifting through a few more, you spotted a y/f/c one that suited you. You picked it up and stared at it for a bit before actually going to the bathroom and changing into it.

__________Peter's point of view_____________

"May! I have a pool party tonight!" I said before hugging her desperately once I arrived at home. "Peter, calm down!" she laughed. She pulled away from the hug as I stared at her. I was desperate! I needed to know what to wear. Oh God, I'm worse than girls. 

I ran to my room and began searching for a pair of swimming trunks. I couldn’t find anything. Fortunately, Aunt May stepped in, holding a pair of y/f/c swim trunks. I smiled at her before getting lost in my thoughts.

It was y/n's favourite color. Lately, I had been a complete ass. I’ve been ignoring her since I became Spider-Man, and she probably hated me now. But I did it to protect her. If someone I fought with discovered she was special to me, they would kill her, and I definitely didn't want that. 

I put the swim trunks on before laying on my bed. I quickly remembered another problem: I wasn't as scrawny anymore thanks to that spider thing. Everyone was going to notice that. Shit.

 ______________ your P.O.V. _______________

 Everyone was already in their bathing suits when I walked in the house. Liz looked beautiful as always. We greeted each other before walked to the bathroom to change. 

I walked outside awkwardly. I wasn't used to walking around in a bathing suit in front of a ton of people. Some people stared at me and others didn't seem to care at all. 

Suddenly one of the guys climbed onto a table. "Look guys! The beautiful Y/n is matching with the nerd!" the guy yelled. 

I looked around blushing until I spotted the guy I was searching for. 

He was a blushing mess. He was trying to hide behind Ned, but it wasn’t working, I walked towards him, recalling the last time I saw him shirtless. I thought he was cute before but now...oh my God. 

I smiled "Peter! Hi. It's been a hot minute since we had a proper conversation." He just smiled as everyone stared at us. 

After everyone went back to whatever they were doing, I took the chance to catch up with Peter. We talked for two hours. It was as if nobody else was there. Peter showed me a part of him that I didn't know, he'd gotten confident, almost flirtatious, before he had to go away. 

I swam a little in the pool with MJ. She was my other best friend, and she knew I was worried about Peter. 

"Y/n, he probably just hangs out at home, stop worrying."

 I smiled lightly. "I’m not!" 

She shook her head before continuing to swim with me.

The rest of the night passed by in a blur. Peter hadn't come back yet, so I just decided to sit by the side of the pool. I looked up and saw a blue and red figure standing on the roof. That was when all the dots connected: all the times Peter was late or the times when he just ran away was because he’s Spiderman. Peter freaking Parker was Spiderman. There was no other explanation on why Spiderman was on Liz's roof. A part of me was sad because he'd never told me, even though we were best friends, but a bigger part of me was only worried about the fact that he could get hurt. 

I climbed cautiously on the roof, everyone had gone home at that point and Liz and MJ were inside. "Hey Spiderman," I said with a smirk. He jumped and turned around with a startled expression. "Y- I mean hi," he stammered. I smirked even more. “So, why are you here Spidey?" He turned to face his feet. "Problems uhm- with a g-girl," he said. Something inside me broke. He was in love with Liz, wasn’t he? How could I think he loved me? I was useless. 

"What's the problem?" I asked as I sat beside him. 

"Well, I like this girl, but she's way out of my league. She's hella beautiful with gorgeous y/e/c eyes and soft y/h/c hair. You know, I think I love her.”

 Only then I realized how close we were. How can I make him get out of the suit? I thought as my eyes glanced all over his suit, searching for something useful. I spotted the little spider on the center of his chest. I tapped it once, nothing. I tapped it two times and boom! A shirtless Peter sat there, face bright red.

“Hi, Peter." 

His eyes widened. "How long did it take you to figure it out?" he asked. 

"Five minutes," I said with a grin. "Let’s go swimming?" I hoped I hadn't scared him too much. Thankfully, he nodded in response. 

I climbed down from the roof and ran to the pool to jump in. "Aren't you coming loser?" I yelled. I swear I saw him roll his eyes before smiling and copying my previous actions. 

After a few moments, we were alone in the pool. We were talking when suddenly, he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine, leaving me stunned. After the initial shock wore off I actually started to kiss him back. 

He pulled away and smiled. "I love you," he said before getting out of the pool. I stayed there and stared at him, my eyes glued on his now toned body. 

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," he said with a smirk. This effectively snapped me out of my trance and I smiled back.

 "I love you too, Pete." I tilted my head to the side. "I have loved you since we met." 

He smiled, "Let's get inside before MJ and Liz come out here.

” When we entered the house, we saw the two girls creepily staring at us.

 "What?" I asked, concerned with their behavior. 

"We saw it all," Liz said.

 "About time, Parker," MJ said before walking up to me. "Good luck with the nerd," she whispered. "And you.” She pointed a finger at Peter. “Treat her badly and I won't hesitate to rip your heart out of your chest, alright?"

 He nodded at her and put an arm around my waist. He kissed my temple and smiled at me. "I would never hurt her."

[managedmischiefs]

told you so//tom holland

warnings: fainting, hospitals, IV, malnourishment, talk of Heath Ledger and his death, sad boi Tom

///

inspired by tom's insta story where he thanked fans for his teen choice award win

///

Tom is always dedicated to his work and will do whatever he can to make the audience believe his character. He works endless hours on his lines, on understanding his character, and getting into the mindset of his role. But something he always dedicated a large amount of time to is his weight.

Spider-Man is an incredibly physical role. Tom was on set and doing stunts every day. He needed the muscle to support that, and he had to keep his weight constant so that his suit fit him and he didn't cause a giant problem for the wardrobe department.

But for Cherry, he's playing a veteran that is riddled with PTSD. He studied up on the disorder and discovered the effect it has on the human body, and decided that he needed to lose some of his muscle and drop some weight.

He didn't tell me this flat out though. I noticed him eating less and less over a week, after a particularly long and in depth production meeting. He decreased breakfast from a full meal to just a protein shake, and refused dinner on most days and replaced it with a workout at the gym. To say this new diet scares me is an understatement.

I'm not an actor. I don't completely understand his world. But I've been dating Tom for a few years, and I know enough to recognize that weight changing is a common practice in Hollywood. But just because it's common doesn't mean that it's right. I've heard horror stories in the media of certain roles burning out actors and ruining their lives, and that is the last thing I want to happen to Tom.

I watch as Tom comes sauntering into the kitchen, passing me with nothing but a kiss to my cheek and a whispered good morning, his voice gravely with sleep. I'm up early to study for an upcoming exam, papers already sprawled out on the island.

I sneakily watch as Tom pulls out ingredients such as protein powder, bananas, and peanut butter, then the blender. "Are you, uh-" I huff out a breath, looking down at my textbook, trying to make the conversation more nonchalant, "gonna have more than just a shake?"

"Don't think so," Tom murmurs as he starts slicing the banana. "I'm on this diet still, you know that." I open my mouth to respond but chose not to say anything, just shaking my head and deciding to drop the subject again. "What?" Tom quips after a moment of silence. "You have something else to say. I know you. Don't lie, you've got something to say."

I drop my highlighter and swing around on my barstool to face him. "Tommy, I'm just nervous about this diet, okay? I know that it's working and you're losing weight and muscle like you want to, but I'm just nervous how this is gonna affect your body and your health in the future. The last thing I want to happen is for this to ruin you."

Tom drops the banana in his hand and rushes over, placing his hands on my cheeks. "This isn't gonna ruin me. I'm okay, yeah? I'm completely fine. I'm just twenty pounds lighter. That's all."

My eyes widen and I grab onto his thinning wrists. "You've lost twenty pounds? Baby, that's too much. That's way too much! You told me ten pounds at first and I said that was too much, but twenty? That's too much!"

"It's not too much. I'm healthy, I promise." Tom swears, leaning his head forward and kissing my forehead. "We're only a week into shooting and the Russo's said everything looks great."

"I don't give a shit what the Russo's think. I care about you and your health-"

Tom huffs out a breath and drops his hands. "I am fine. You don't need to worry about me. My trainer says I'm fine, the medic on set says I'm fine, everyone agrees that I'm fine. I've only got another two months of this diet and then I'll have to bulk up for the next Avengers movie and I'll be back to the way I was before." He turns around and quickly finishes off his protein shake, putting it in a cup and closing the lid. "I'll see you tonight, okay? Good luck on your exam, I know you'll crush it."

He's kissing me and he's out the door before I can say anything else. Okay, so, that conversation didn't go anywhere close to what I had planned.

I pack up my books and head off to class for my exam, which is actually quite difficult. Or maybe I was just too busy thinking (worrying) about Tom to focus on a test. I guess I'll never know.

After my exam, I hurry off to my study of human behaviors class, hoping that today's topic will distract me from worrying about how my boyfriend is doing on set. But, of course, that hope is crushed when my professor pulls up a picture of Heath Ledger.

"Today we're going to be talking about Heath Ledger, and how his preparation for the role of the Joker effected him. Some believe the intense preparation even added to his death." She saunters around the front of the room without a care in the world, babbling on and on about how Ledger got into his character by locking himself in a hotel room and keeping a dark diary, filled with quotes, pictures, and his lines.

"Ledger was so deep into his character that he turned to medication to help him do things as simple as sleeping. Maggie Gyllenhaal even said that she could barely look at him while filming, and the crew was too nervous to be around him between takes because he would still be in character. So I pose this question to you all, did his dedication to his role and the extreme preparation for this role lead to his death?"

Oh god. Please no. This is exactly what I don't need to hear right now. Not today. Not while Tom is filming Cherry and I can't be with him at all times. Not when I get one text a day from him since he's so busy shooting scenes. Not ever.

Multiple hands shoot up to respond to the professors question. She picks a bubbly blonde in the front row. "His preparation definitely led to his death. He pushed himself too far and he couldn't handle the pressure of the movie, the pressure of stardom, the pressure of the Joker being so engrained in his mind. He couldn't shake it when filming ended, and it truly made him become some version of a psychopath."

Another student butts in. "Yeah, it's so obvious. He turned to drugs because he couldn't handle the role."

One other adds his opinion. "It's like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. She had to lose all this weight so she ate almonds and carrots for, like, months on end. And then she was in rehearsals all day and she dislocated a rib, but kept training. She said she thought she was gonna die on most days. It's very possible for actors to get so wrapped up in role that they lose a bit of reality. I totally think Heath Ledger died because of the Joker."

With that last student, I pick up my backpack and laptop and go stomping out of the lecture hall, choking back tears. I dramatically throw my belongings into my car and speed off, wiping my cheeks and trying to keep my emotions together.

I park in the first spot I see and jump out of my car, heading off to Tom's trailer, hoping that he'll be there, although the chances are slim. I've only been to Tom's trailer for Cherry once, and it was the first week of him filming. It's been lived in now, so I'm sure it looks quite different.

I hadn't expected his trailer to be a complete mess. At home, Tom is a little messy but always cleans up after himself. He clearly hasn't cleaned or let anyone clean up after him. There's clothes and shoes all over the floor and furniture, the sheets are messed up on the bed like he's been tossing and turning while sleeping, and the kitchen area is a complete wreck. There's a pile of papers and books on the coffee table that I make the terrible decision to investigate.

Having PTSD just messes up your whole life. I couldn't even get the energy to clean my house, or even my room, or my kitchen, or anything. I would throw things around and I would break things and just leave them. PTSD left me completely unable to function as a human. I couldn't sleep. How would I be expected to clean up after myself when I'm falling asleep standing?

Of course, his trailer like this is to keep himself in the character. I wonder if his costars can stand to look at him between takes.

The trailer door opens a moment later and I'm wishing it's Tom, but it's Harrison coming in, nonchalantly kicking a shoe aside to get to the fridge. "Oh hey, didn't know you were coming by. Tom didn't mention it."

"Is Tom gonna die?" I blurt out, my eyes pooling up with tears. Harrison's eyes widen at the wild question. "I'm scared he's gonna die. He's so into this character and he's gonna die, isn't he?"

"Oh my gosh, breathe, love. Tom isn't gonna die. Where are you getting this from?" Harrison takes a few steps closer to me, but it doesn't comfort me in any way.

"He's not eating, Harrison. I've seen him make food but I haven't seen him actually eat anything in almost a month. He's dealing with this disgusting trailer every day. I barely ever see him because he comes home and either goes straight to sleep or he's out at the gym until I'm asleep."

"Maybe you should talk to him." Harrison suggests. "Honestly, I'm worried about him too and I think you're the only person he'll listen to. You just gotta learn to keep your cool." He places his hands on my shoulders. "Why don't you go home and get some rest? I think you're just as tired as he is because you're stressing about it. I'll make sure that Tom goes straight home instead of going out, okay?"

I throw my arms around Harrison's waist in a much needed hug. "Thank you, Haz. You're the best."

"Yeah, I know I am." Harrison jokes with a shrug, letting me go. "Go, get out."

///

Tom doesn't come home for a while, not until I'm laying in bed, eyelids fluttering, ready to sleep. But the bedroom door creaks open, letting in a little bit of light. I listen as Tom bustles around the room to pull off his clothes, leaving him in just boxers for bed. He climbs into bed beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I sigh contently, melting into his embrace.

"How was your day?" I murmur, sleep slurring my words.

"It was fine. Go to sleep, you're exhausted." Tom whispers, placing lazy kisses to the back of my neck. "I love you."

///

The next morning is normal. Tom wakes up before me and takes a shower, leaving me alone in bed. But I get up and throw on a comfy sweater, preparing for my day of classes. Tom is heading downstairs as I'm pulling on my leggings, presumably for breakfast.

But just as I'm finishing brushing out my hair, I hear a relatively loud thump from downstairs. I immediately pause, listening for a yelled sorry from Tom, just anything.

"Tom?" I shout, creeping towards the open bedroom door. When I don't hear anything in response, I panic. I run downstairs and into the kitchen, finding the worst sight I could think of.

Tom is unconscious on the floor, a spot of blood on his forehead, and a whole slew of food on the stove. I drop to my knees, pushing Tom's hair out of his forehead. I reach onto the island and grab Tom's phone, unlocking it and dialing 999. I babble off to the operator that my boyfriend fainted when I was in the other room and I don't know exactly what happened, but that he's unconscious. She promises that an ambulance is two minutes away, that I should keep calm, and not move him.

I put the phone on speaker as I wait, setting it on the floor. And just as I do, Tom starts to stir, his eyebrows scrunching up and his head starting to swivel. I lean over him and place a hand on his cheek, forcing a smile, despite his closed eyes. "Hi, sweetheart. Hi, baby." I coo softly, my thumb rubbing across the skin. "Stay right where you are, okay?"

"What happened?" He murmurs, words slurred.

"I think you fainted. There's an ambulance coming, just don't move, baby boy, you'll be okay." I instruct him.

"Work." He whispers, head falling to the side.

"Don't worry about work. I'll call someone later on and tell them. You don't worry about that right now, okay? Just relax, I've got you."

The paramedics come knocking at the front door a moment later, sending me running over to answer it. I lead the paramedics over to where Tom is still laying in the kitchen, watching the paramedics lift him onto the stretcher and strap him in.

Tom reaches for me, making me rush over to his side. I place a hand on his cheek, moving my thumb against his soft skin, giving him a smile. "I'm right here, Tommy. Do you want me to call Harrison, or your mum or dad? Anyone?" Tom just nods, so I assume he wants someone. "Do you want me to come in the ambulance with you?" He nods again. "Okay, then I'm gonna go get some stuff and get right in there with you." He nods a third time, eyes closing all the way now.

I rush around the house in just a few seconds, pulling on a sweatshirt. I collect a backpack with a sweats for Tom, our wallets, our phones, chargers, money, and whatever I can find that we could need.

Tom is just being loaded into the ambulance when I go to lock the door and jump inside. I'm exiled to the corner while the paramedics start working on Tom, leaving me to send out texts to his family to tell them what's going on.

I'm with him every step of the way. I'm there as he rides to the hospital, I'm there as he gets brought right into a room, and I'm there as a doctor comes in to see him. But I'm pushed out a moment later to fill out paperwork, and I have to be separated from Tom.

I rush my way through the paperwork so I can get back to Tom. He would never leave me alone if I was in this situation, and I don't plan to do that to him. So I return the clipboard to a nurse and she leads me back to a different waiting room.

"You can just stay here until the doctor comes around to get you." I nod but have to hold in my groan. I just want to be with Tom.

I sit down and decide to check my phone, finding a few texts. Nikki and Dom says that the whole family is on their way, and Harrison says him and Tuwaine are leaving their golf outing to get here, but it's going to take a while.

I'm not sure how much time passes from when I get to the waiting room and when a doctor comes. Maybe it was ten minutes, maybe it was an hour. I wouldn't know. But a doctor comes around to get me, thankfully refraining from calling out Tom's name and avoiding any possible fan run-ins.

I jump up and rush toward him, smiling nervously. The doctor asks again if I'm here for Tom, to which I nod, and he leads me away from the waiting room.

"So, it seems that he's very malnourished." The doctor tells me, which is no surprise at all. "He is severely underweight and is also very dehydrated. Do you know why this is happening?"

We stop outside of his room and continue talking. "He's preparing for a movie role. His character has PTSD so he decided to lose a bit of weight. I told him it was too much but he swore he was fine."

"Do you know how much he lost?" I tell him twenty pounds and then a little about Tom's diet, and I can tell but his surprised face that Tom is in for some deep shit. "Wow, that's a lot for someone his age and weight. Basically, his body can't handle the work that he's making it do. If he's working on a film set and he's not eating properly, or at all, his body is going to give out because it can't support him. For now, I've got him on an IV drip to hydrate him and I'll come back in a little while to talk to you two about what to do from here."

"Okay, thank you so much. I can go in now?" The doctor nods and then heads off.

Tom's eyes are closed when I enter the room, but I can't quite tell if he's sleeping. Even still, there's a nurse taking his vitals who smiles at me, quickly finishing up and leaving the room.

Tom stirs when I sit in the chair beside his bed, scrunching up his crooked nose. I grab onto his free hand and move my thumb against his knuckles, taking a deep breath. "I can tell you're awake." I murmur, the tiniest smile on my face. "I know you too well."

The corners of Tom's mouth lift up in the tiniest, his eyes fluttering open slowly. "Hi." He mumbles, the word slurred.

"Hi, sweet boy." I keep my voice sweet and smooth. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad." Tom spits out, sighing. His eyes are squinting and he looks like he's in pain.

"Does your head hurt? The lights hurt?" He nods, so I stand and turn off the light, watching the wrinkles in his forehead smoothen out. "Did the doctor check you for a concussion?"

"I-I don't know."

I let go of Tom's hand again and poke my head out of the hospital room, flagging down a nurse. I tell her my concern and she promises to get a doctor in soon, then goes on her way.

"A doctor is coming, Tom." I take my seat again and lace our fingers.

A silence falls over us for a moment, but the quiet makes me more aware of the way Tom's hands are shaking.

"Are you feeling okay?" I whisper. "You're shaking. I just wanna make sure you're-"

"I'm sorry." And suddenly he's breaking down in tears, sobbing loudly. "You were right, I was wrong."

"Shh, sweetheart." I coo, moving to sit on the side of his bed. "Let's not talk about that right now. Right now, just relax and-"

"I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home." He whines, hand squeezing mine as tight as he can, which isn't much at all. He's far too weak.

"I know you do. But you've gotta be here so the doctors can help you get better so you can get home and get back to work. So let's not cry," I wipe my thumbs over his cheeks, "and just relax as much as you can. You can watch tv, close your eyes, so whatever. A doctor is hopefully coming soon to help you."

Tom looks at me with huge puppy eyes, rimmed red from tears. "You're not gonna leave me, right?"

A smile appears on my cheeks, but it feels forced. "Of course I'm not gonna leave you, pretty boy. I'll be right by your side this whole time and for the rest of your life, you know that."

His lips push out in a pout. "You can still call me pretty boy when I'm like this?"

"You'll always be my pretty boy." I leave forward and press a few kisses to his cheek, hopefully calming him down a bit.

The doctor comes back into the room a few moments later, and Tom forces me to hold his hand while the doctor inspects him again, this time for a concussion.

"Yep, your girlfriend is right, you've got a mild concussion. I'd assume you hit your head on something when you fainted, whether it was a cabinet or the floor. It's not too bad though, you should be fine in two or three weeks. But even still, I wanna keep you for the rest of the day. I know it's early, so we'll see how you're feeling later and see if you need to stay the night or you can go. We've got you on an IV to give you some vitamins and some essential things you've been missing out on over the past few weeks. You know where the nurses button is, if you need anything. I'll see you two later."

///

The rest of the day passes incredibly slowly. Tom's family shows up just a little bit after the doctor leaves. They stay for an hour or two, just to keep Tom entertained, but he's being very quiet and really only wants to talk to me. But his family is babying him and talking to him like a child. And as much as I do that to him when I'm consoling him, he absolutely hates when his family does it.

And then Harrison and Tuwaine show up and wreak havoc. I know it's for entertainment purposes and to make Tom laugh. They show up and throw a backpack onto Tom's bed, what's filled with my laptop, smuggled in fast food, some extra clothes for Tom, and a handful of dvd's. Then they loudly make their way around Tom's room, inspecting every single thing that is on the walls or in the relatively empty cabinets. I'm tempted to kick them out so they don't get in trouble, but Tom is laughing and his spirits are lifted, so I don't bother.

By the time a nurse is coming around with lunch for Tom, he's starving. I can hear his stomach rumbling, but that's a sound I've grown accustomed to.

Tom pushes around his food, not interested in the bland hospital food. "I really want what Haz and Tuwaine brought." He eyes the McDonald's bag on the other side of the room. "I don't want this shit."

"I don't know if your stomach can handle that. You haven't had fast food in months and I don't know if that's good for you-"

"Please, baby, I'm so hungry and this looks terrible." Tom begs, pushing the tray of food away from him.

I easily comply, not wanting to put up a fight with him when he's feeling so tortured at the moment. I open the bag and find a ridiculous amount of food, more than me and Tom could ever eat.

"God, these idiots must have bought the whole store out. What do you want-burger, fries, nuggets?"

"Yes." He responds, making me roll my eyes.

"You're impossible." I pull out a small fry, a cheeseburger, and six piece nugget and hand it over to him, watching him smile happily. "You're nuts. Please eat slowly and drink a lot of water. I don't want you getting sick and throwing up."

"Can we watch a movie too?" He shoves a nugget in his mouth and gestures to my laptop. I agree, pulling up Netflix and starting a random movie, setting my computer on the bed.

Thankfully, Tom doesn't have to stay the night. He's built up enough strength through the IV, food, and relaxation for the doctor to feel good about him going home. So he gets out of his hospital gown and into some sweats, signing discharge papers and wobbling out of the hospital room. And since I rode in the ambulance with Tom, Harrison comes to pick us up and drive us home.

"Looking a bit better, mate." Harrison says, giving Tom a bro hug when we get to the car.

"Thanks for picking us up." Tom mumbles before jumping into the backseat.

"Thank you so much, Haz. You're the best." I give him a tight hug before sitting beside Tom in the backseat and heading home.

///

"Do you wanna go up to bed or stay on the couch?" I ask once we step inside, dropping our bags beside the door. Tessa is off at his parents house, so our house is silent.

"I wanna go shower, and then go to bed." He mumbles, taking the lead upstairs and hobbling into the connected bathroom. I collect him some fresh boxers and a tee shirt, putting them on the counter for him when he's done. I busy myself by changing the sheets and fixing up the bed, distracting myself from the craziness of the day.

"Babe!" Tom starts calling. "Baby!"

I panic, fearing the worst, rushing into the bathroom. "What? What's wrong?"

"Will you come in with me?" He asks like a child, pouting, his curls dripping over his forehead.

"I thought something was wrong." I groan, but begin stripping off my clothes anyways. I step into the warm water and sigh of relief, happy to wash away the stress of the day. I immediately wrap my arms around Tom's skinny waist, burying my face in his neck. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"Yeah, me too." Tom sighs, hand running up and down my back gently. "Thank you for being there for me. You're the best girlfriend ever."

"Thanks." I chuckle with an eye roll. "I'm just glad you're home."

We finish up in the shower not long after, since being exposed to the warm water for too long could make Tom faint again. So we get dressed and crawl into bed, curling up under the cold duvet. I rest my head on Tom's chest and close my eyes, trying to drift off to sleep.

"You can say it now, you know?" Tom murmurs, lips ghosting over my forehead.

I smile softly, letting a beat pass. "I told you so."

[keep-your-feet]

WEEK 9 OF LOCKDOWN COMPLETE

It's definitely getting harder.

I booked a day off mid week this week to just have a break. And it's a bank holiday weekend this weekend... But the thing I need a break from, I can't escape...

I need a break from the weirdness...

I need a break from these same four walls, the same streets, the same people.

But it's strange because I LOVE the working from home, and I generally dislike people.. so I didn't think it would effected me as much as it has. But I've just got no motivation, and a general lack of interest to do anything. But sitting still and doing nothing infuriates me 😂

I've tried to be organised and plan weekend activities in advance, but we've been waiting 4 weeks now for fence paint. The weather's been too nice to do the inside jobs, and I can't take anything to charity so no point sorting the wardrobe. And I about cried today because all I wanted was some plantpots and I couldn't seem to get any anywhere offline and Sainsbury's and Also haven't had any...

Yesterday Dave went to see Daryl the beetle for the first time in months and left me on my own with the dog. It was then that I realised I've not left the house, or even this area for months.. just wake up, get dressed, sit in the garden, go to the upstairs office, walk the dog locally, or maybe go to woodthorpe or arnit.. back home watch Netflix and off to bed to do it all again 😂

In the past 2 months I've been Aldi, vets and co-op once... And the post office twice, that's it.. since March! Dave's been doing the big shops, one because he prefers too as I buy shit we don't need, and two because I get anxious and buy shit we don't need 😂 but he's also having to visit people and collect things for work etc, so today when we went out somewhere different it was only my 2nd time in car since March! I was so excited, yet also nervous all at the same time to be going somewhere different - how weird is that!!

We ended up at a park just behind JTF in Hucknall, as I decided to be brave and if the que wasn't too big (yes we're still having to que to get into shops) to go and try to get some god damn plant pots and a few other bits I've been needing for while now... And as weird as it was - I feel so much better for it!

They were wiping trolleys down for you, and only letting a few people in at a time, but the store was so empty product wise also, and aisles blocked off. They did have loo roll and bleach though 😂 and I eventually found plant pots!!

The walk we did was gorgeous too! So nice for a bit of change of scenery! And it was also so quiet! And even though it started out quite overcast, it's turned into a beautiful day!

I also made a bit more effort today and put eyeliner on for the first time in weeks, which helped me feel better.

Anyway, I'm totally rambling... Overall it's been a tough week, and it feels like it's getting tougher, and I'm getting more and more short tempered and frustrated. But I guess that's normal... And talking about it, and doing something about it definitely helped me today.. so if you're feeling similar, maybe have a think about something small that you can do, or action to 'get a win' as they say .. even if it's as simple as finally managing to get plantpots, walking around a different park or wearing eyeliner again for the first time in weeks meaning you felt good enough for a selfie👌💚