#Haso

[loonarmuunar]

Humans being the first. Not the strongest or the smartest or the weirdest or the most violent. Just the first.

We called out into the dark over and over. We sent out messages in hopes. We searched every planet we could reach, in hopes of any sign of life. Any at all.

We thought, hoped we were the last, because we couldn’t bear the idea of being the one ones this awake and alive in a world as vast as this.

And we died alone.

When the others are born, many many years later, they find us, everything we left for them.

They recover The Golden Record and look at it a million times over, they dig up our fossils and put us in museums, they study us for years and years, loving us as we love our ancestors’ painted hands on cave walls.

In a lot of their languages, the word they use for us has the same root for “mother”.

[marlynnofmany]

Similar Skill Sets

“Aw, man,” I muttered, staring at the board game. “Was it this one or that one? I was trying to get over here, but you moved that row. I think it’s this one?” My finger hovered over the switch on one nearly-identical tile among many.

Captain Sunlight gave away nothing, her scaly yellow face serene. “Make your move.”

“It already smells like a flower shop threw up in here.” I struggled with the switch, my human fingernail barely up to the task usually meant for Heatseeker claws. When it finally clicked, the tile spurted a weak jet of scent. This one smelled more leafy than flowery, but I still had no flaming idea if it was the one I was trying to find. I sniffed the scent compartment of the token I’d drawn, hoping they matched. Leafy? Vines, maybe?

“I’m sorry it’s such an old model,” said Captain Sunlight, taking pity on me and drawing her next token. “The scents are fainter than they should be. Maybe we can get replacement cartridges at the next station.”

I sighed as I watched her make three moves in a row, matching up scented tiles and rearranging the maze of the board until I’d lost all idea of where my target was. “Somehow I don’t think that would help.”

She sat back, idly spinning the last token she needed to find. “I wonder if there’s a model with scents from your planet. This is a pretty popular game; it only makes sense that they would branch out.”

“Maybe.” I stared at the maze, plotting pathways and trying to find a target that I could reach in a single turn. My odds weren’t great that it would be the right one, but that was better than nothing. “I’d probably be able to tell them apart better if they were things like cinnamon and citrus, but if the game makers just went for all flowers there too, I’d still be guessing. It’s not my area of expertise.” I shifted a row and moved my piece, then spent a moment trying once again to identify a scent.

“That’s the one you tried last time,” Captain Sunlight told me, dashing all hopes. Her next move was swift and decisive, countering the detour I’d just thrown in her path. She set her final token on the stack of others and waggled her fingers in silent triumph.

I slumped against the backrest. “This is definitely not my game.”

The captain began disassembling the board. “How about you pick the next one?”

“My pleasure,” I said in relief, immediately moving toward the entertainment cabinet. This lounge was well stocked after our last stop. “Want to do a puzzle?”

“What kind? Cube, sphere, string?”

“Uh, the regular flat kind,” I said, holding up the box. It showed a lovely nature scene (waterfall), a piece count (100), and a planet of origin (Earth).

“That sounds refreshingly different,” said Captain Sunlight. She carefully fitted the scent tiles into their insulated compartment. “Competitive or cooperative?”

“Cooperative,” I said, bringing it over to the table while she finished putting away the other game. “Though I suppose there’s room for trash talk about who’s working faster.”

“How very considerate. Have you played this with Trrili or Zhee yet?”

“Not yet,” I said with a smile, easily able to imagine the amount of agitated hissing and pincher clicks that would come from a competitive game between those two. “This one’s new. I was thinking Blip and Blop might like it.” The Frillian twins were also competitive, though they worked well together. I had no idea if they were any good at puzzles.

Time to see if the captain was. She set aside the other box and I opened this one, spilling the hundred puzzle pieces onto the table and getting to work flipping them over.

Captain Sunlight followed my lead. “So is the goal to assemble them in a certain pattern?”

“Yeah, they make up this picture.” I pointed at the box. “It’s easiest once they’re all color-side up.”

“I see,” she said, as focused as if she was studying a new trade language. “How long do you expect this round to take?”

“This one should be pretty quick,” I told her. “It’s just a hundred pieces, and a lot of different colors. If this was a picture of a green field with a blue sky and not much else, that would be a lot more annoying.”

“Seems like that would be less to keep track of.”

“Sure, but fewer clues about where things go.” I held up a fragment of vivid purple. “This one, for example, can only go in the corner. No mystery there.” I pointed out the matching flower on the box.

Captain Sunlight nodded, still looking serious. “Right. Deduction. So do we take turns?”

“Nah, that would take too long. It’s more fun just to go for it. Unless you want to make it harder?”

“No no, the regular way is fine.” She hurried to flip over the last few, then looked at me and waited.

“Righto. The best way to start is by finding the corners first, then the edges. It narrows things down. Do you see any corners? Here’s one.”

We began. It really was an easy puzzle, but I could see the captain was struggling. This was a surprise, to say the least. Sunlight was smart. Always thinking ahead, clever and levelheaded and full of insights, but she seemed to have trouble guessing which direction a piece should go, even when it was perfectly obvious to me.

“Oh hey,” I said. “I was looking for that one. It goes right here.”

“This way?”

“Turn it so the sticking-out bit goes … yeah, like that.”

“And is this one also part of this red patch?”

“No, that one has smaller red petals; it belongs in the other spot. I JUST saw the piece that fits it, too; that was overrrrr… Here it is!” I plucked it out of the mess and Captain Sunlight handed me the other piece, letting me put them where they belonged.

I suggested, “See if you can find all the speckled blue ones, and we can fill in this area.”

She gamely searched for blue among the chaos of colors, visibly scanning pieces one at a time with concentration on her lizardy face. I hesitated over whether to pretend I couldn’t see all five of the pieces we needed, or to speed things up. I settled on grabbing material for the grassy area nearby, only picking out the last blue one when she’d found the rest.

This turned into a pattern of me asking for pieces in a certain color, which she gathered slowly and I assembled. The puzzle took about three times as long to finish as I’d thought.

“Success!” the captain said as she clicked the last piece into place. (I’d left it for her to do the honors.) “That was surprisingly challenging. I must say, I’m glad it wasn’t competitive.”

“Ah, you wouldn’t have lost as badly as I did in that last game,” I said, lying through my human teeth.

“That’s kind of you to say,” she told me. “I do wonder how some of the rest of the crew would take to this, though. Mur is always looking for a difficult game he can excel at.”

“Because you usually beat him?” I guessed with a grin, quieting when I picked up the sound of tentacles approaching down the hallway.

A blue-black squid head appeared around the corner. “I hear it’s game time in here!” Mur declared. “And we have new puzzles after the last stop.”

“Do you mean this puzzle?” I asked, gesturing at the completed waterfall. “Lemme just take it back apart—”

Mur ignored me, tentacle-walking over to fling open the cabinet and reach in. “These puzzles!” he exclaimed, pulling out several Strongarm puzzle cubes. “We’ve got a range of difficulty levels here. These two are unsuited to fingers, but I imagine you poor souls with no tentacles could manage one of these!”

He lined them up along the edge of the table with all the flair of a children’s magician, or maybe an older sibling who was looking forward to seeing the younger kids suffer. Since I’d been subjected to the Strongarm version of a “simple kid’s challenge” before and nearly dislocated something, that seemed appropriate.

I sighed and exchanged looks with Captain Sunlight. She didn’t seem particularly excited either.

Then more tentacles slapped down the hall, and Wio joined us. “Hey! Kavlae says it’s puzzle time! I told Mimi to take a break from the tool-sorting he’s been doing, and we can see who’s puzzle master today.”

The look I exchanged with Captain Sunlight now was different. “Let me just clear the table for you,” I said, picking up the puzzle box.

“Yes, by all means,” said the captain. “You can have my chair.”

~~~

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book.

Shared early on Patreon! There’s even a free tier to get them on the same day as the rest of the world.

The sequel novel is in progress (and will include characters from these stories. I hadn’t thought all of them up when I wrote the first book, but they’re too much fun to leave out of the second).

[jimvasta]

Humans are average at everything

And that makes other species crazy

"You swim well for your limb configuration but you will never be as fast in water as a Majoriranji."

Mo agreed with a nod. "They have fins, it's an unfair contest really."

"Nacbaqurs climb cliffs better than humans."

"Longer limbs, more fingers, that's no surprise. I know some elite climbers who could keep up but mostly ture enough."

"Chexits run much faster."

"Ah," Mo raised a finger. "They run on four legs, different configuration, unfair comparison. "

"My point is still valid. And you don't fly either."

"Mmm, no," Mo stopped to consider that one. "I don't think we have a winged ancestor. I have been sky diving, though, so I'm sure we missed out there."

"Sky diving? No, I have no wish to know. My question is this, why are you so feared? You cannot swim like a Majoriranji, or climb like a Nacbaqur, or run like a Chexit. Can you do anything special? Why should anyone be scared of humans?"

"Is that why you captured us? That's what you want to know?" Mo smiled as he leaned back in his chair. He had been afraid. Now he was amused.

He knew rescue was on the way. Just before the invaders managed to grab him and the other researchers, they were able to send a distress call. The Earth Alliance took attacks on their people seriously, they knew swift responses discouraged casual piracy.

"Okay, you'll probably be dead soon anyway so I'll give you a freebie. We're not the fastest swimmers, but most of us can swim and dive, and we can all hold our breath. We're not the fastest climbers, but our ancestors lived in trees, tall canopy plants, we can all climb. We're not the fastest runners, but we're not bad in a sprint, and we'll still be going hours after your fancy fast runners have collapsed and died of exhaustion. We don't have to be the best at one thing when we can be pretty good at just about everything."

[injuries-in-dust]

Galactic Forum, Human Section, Advice subsection.

So I didn't realise my alien lover was part of a hivemind species.

Not until I was secretly shopping for an engagement ring on station K-7.

Another memeber of their race ran up and kissed me before screaming "Yes! I love that one!"

Does this count as a polyamorous relationship?

[taro-pdf]

Humans are space oddities: risk taking

Alien: the ship’s broken Prak, human, and the newest addition on board: so, are you going to fix it? Alien: I’d die in space! Are you crazy? Prak: ??? so would i, just put on a space suit? Alien: You mean that bag with only 16 layers between you and an environment that’d kill you?? Let’s just wait till we reach the next solar system. It’s only a week. Prak: no way, something could happen. I’ll just go out now. [goes out and fixes it] Alien: ???? Alien [writing in notebook]: humans do not fear the cold embrace of death. Prak [writing in notebook]: my crewmates are wimps.

Edit: for clarification, this alien is generalizing based off their experience with one human! Prak is both dumb and dislikes tasks being unfinished. My other humans, the ones not trained as astronauts (which prak isn’t either either lol) would not go out with only 16 layers separating them from the void of space

[xikyuu]

imagine when humans get to space and theres still streaming/youtube. like,

"what's up guys!! today we are on planet <incomprehensible to the human ears> in the <incomprehensible to the human ears> solar system, joined by several experts who know tons about their native species! we are here to learn about other sentient beings and to see if i can survive the ultimate test...”

one of the experts garbles in their native language, body language signifying that it is concerned. the translator spits out: “‘survive the ultimate test...?’”

the human shrugged. "to see if i can survive being stung slash bit by a venomous or poisonous species."

there was a sudden out-roar of yelling... yelling? is it yelling if it isn't talking? whatever.

"no! that is very unwise! the venom and poison are highly fatal!!"

"you only live once!"

“you do only live once, human!”

[cuprohastes]

The humans said "We sent our very best to the stars."

Well we looked at what they sent: And thought, if that's their best, what are their worst like? They were scavengers and opportunists, fast talking con artists, barely restrained psychopaths with mayhem on their mind.

Honestly we were expecting the worst: That 'human' would be a curse word, that we'd have to root them out painfully and banish them back to their dirty heavy world.

But they cleaned up Antichor. They dredged the oceans, got the ecosystem back up, cleaned the mine lakes, remediated the sludge swamps, turned the hulks into gleaming ingots.

"We knew how. We had the experience." They said.

The humans started showing up in the weirdest places. Conflicts of all sorts... and they always had questions. "Why are you doing this? What if tehy did this. What if you did that?" And it was so odd - Within weeks of the Humans showing up, common ground would be found, or reasons to get along would appear.

"Well, we're used to it. We know how to deal with conflict." They said.

And the human liars, dressed in bedazzling clothes, singing and laughing... They spun lies! For entertainment! Of better worlds, and drama, of excitement, of adventure. Thay made such spectacles - Fire in the sky of a thousand colours - smoke and lasers, costumes and music, feats of synchronised movement the Civil Worlds had barely imagined could be performed by any being let lone these strange humans...

"We know how to have a good time!" They said.

When there was a nasty little war of expansion over on the Veran worlds, we thought we'd be barely in time to document the mass graves and the scraps of planetary genocide. Expansion wars are the worst of crimes but what can you do? The settlers who are squatting on the graves of the people who came before aren't usually the ones who ordered the invasion or carried it out. And there's always some justification that can be argued over for centuries: none of which brings the dead back.

We were horrified to find the Human fleet there. Finally proof that the Humans were the worst sort of mercenary.

But the ships had aid: Shelters and food. Medical personnel. And those that did fight did so under strange rules that allowed for surrenders and retreats in good faith.

The Verans talked of the Arnath Invasion fleet: Unstoppable, claiming thier worlds before they even landed, their leaders ranting and cursing those who lived there - But then the Humans arriving like heroes of legend, in flame clad dropships, spending their lives hard, making the Arnath throw incredible effort to get nowhere... Of the mighty Rangers, each one a hero. The Bulwark infantry who wouldn't yield a single step until the civilians had been evacuated. The Medical teams as caring as any, who'd stand and fight as hard as a soldier to protect their patients.

And even before we arrived, the Arnath were losing - Humans arriving on their world and asking "Why?". Arguing with the Archons with the skill of philosophers, litigating on behalf of the Verans with cunning arguments. The clowns and entertainers with unexpected savagery, showing the population their own "heroic" soldiers burning crops and firing on children, turning the population against thier bloody handed leaders.

The soldiers returning, not hailed as heroes, their crimes documented.

"We know these crimes. We won't stand for them." The humans said.

And we started to wonder... what else did they know?

What we know now is... you can always ask the Humans, because they always send their best.

[nerdybluephoenix]

[boopjuice]

Human's Are Space Orcs: Sticks and Stones

Tools are hardly uncommon in the Galactic Federation. Without them, not a single species would have been able to advance, create sustainable food sources, societies, spacecraft. But, for most species, tools have advanced alongside the species.

"Human Jane, what is that you are holding?"

"A stick."

"... Why do you have a stick?"

"In case I need to scratch my back, duh. Or to hit the engine if it acts up again."

Humans, as with much else, didn't get the memo.

Chi'l'zak had spent several cycles with humans, even spending time on their native planet and some of their interstellar colonies. Their weather was horrifying, and their culture so diverse it gave xem whiplash. It was on one of these trips that xe learned of the human's particular affinity for tools.

Xe was at what Human Sarah had called a 'beach' at one of the colonies, and xe saw as an adolescent human began to dig a fire pit. Except, instead of using a shovel, he had grabbed a nearby piece of driftwood and began to use it to dig. Xe was certain the efforts would be fruitless, the stick being rounded and not suitable for digging. But in twenty minutes there was a pit a meter deep, deeper if one counted the walls the adolescent human had made from the excavated sand.

Xe had brushed it off as human stubbornness and continued with xir trip unfazed, until Human Lake had wanted to go hiking. Chi'l'zak agreed, not truly understanding the point of simply walking up and down mountains but willing to try the experience and see if maybe xe could gain some anthropological notes on the subject. Halfway up the mountain Human Lake called a halt. he wandered into the trees for a moment and returned with a stick almost as tall as he was.

"We can rest here for a while. I've been needing a new walking stick, and this one's just gorgeous."

"But, Hu- Lake, why do you need walking assistance? You have been perfectly fine up until this point. Are you injured? Should I apply first aid?"

"Nah, I'm fine, 'zak. I don't need one, they're just nice to lean on when you're hiking. Plus their fun to have. makes me feel like a wizard, y'know? But I gotta smooth this one down if I'm gonna use it, or I'll have splinters in my hands for days."

Chi'l'zak didn't mind the rest, and took the time to simply observe the flora and fauna in the area, absorb some nutrients from xir pack of supplies, and-

*scrape* *scrape* *scrape*

As Chi'l'zak looked over, xe found Human Lake seated on the ground, legs fcrossed in a manner that was normal for humans but made xir fur stand on end. He had balanced the stick across his legs, and was scraping it with a rock he'd apparently found nearby.

"Human Lake, what are you doing?"

"Smoothing out the stick, like I said." He didn't look up from the task he'd set himself too, continuing to scrape the rock along the stick, occasionally hitting it against small branches to knock them off.

"Yes, but why are you using a rock? Surely there are better tools. I have heard tell of a common smoothing agent, 'sand paper,' that would be better suited to the task."

"Don't have sandpaper on me. Besides, the premise works the same. Rub two rough things together and the softer things gets smooth. Sure, a rock isn't going to have as fine a grain as some sandpapers, but it works in a pinch."

"but we are not in a 'pinch', as you say. We are perfectly capable of taking the stick back with us and getting sand paper."

"Look, the rock works just fine for me, and it's cheaper. No point wasting money when i have the tools to do the job already."

"Human lake, that is a rock. That isn't a tool."

"Sure it is, if you get creative enough. You can use it to smooth things, hit things, if you angle it like this you can probably use it to dig, and you could always throw it. Hell, I'll bet you this end here could be used to open that stupid finnicky pressure lock Jacob's been complaining about."

"But it isn't mean to do those things. It could damage the lock worse, or break the wrong things."

"Look, 'zak, i appreciate the concern, but a tool is what you make of it. If I've got some nails I need hammered down and all I've got to hand is a rock, then I'm going to use the rock until the rock breaks or the nails are hammered. Just because we have tools better designed for a task doesn't always mean we need to use them. Sometimes old ways work just fine."

Chi'l'zak was quiet the rest of the time Human Lake used the stone to smooth the surface of his new walking stick, and had quite the interesting talk with him the rest of the hike about old human tools, how they were used, selected or constructed. Xe learned about spears and bows and how some still used those tools for hunting. Learned of tools used in leatherworking, all made of bone since the first leatherworkers had found nothing better to work with, and modern human's hadn't either.

"Anthropological Notes: Humans are excellent at creating and using tools, as are most other species. However, humans are slow to abandon old types of tools, some using the same methods prevalent centuries ago in order to complete a task simply because they have the old tools to hand. Humans are also adept at improvising tools, able to use one item for many different functions depending on their needs.

In relation to Incident 739, human crewmembers should not be allowed to bring items such as sticks or rocks on board without prior authorization, lest the engine be completely dismantled again."

[hoshi-no-koinu]

What I think would be the most 'impressive' thing about humans

So I've read a lot of funny and intriguing ones out there, absolute gold, BUT I noticed that most of them compare things like our food tolerance, endurance, etc, so I wanted to bring in this take I've had cooking up for the past few days.

Has anyone ever considered aliens' reaction to how different we all are? Like look around at most species even on earth, they are mostly the same and vary only slightly in size, shape, colours, etc, in fact, its more strange to find one that is immediately distinguishable from the rest of its closest animal relatives (e.g for most people orange cats look like orange cats).

Think about it, usually only trained professionals can tell apart two same-species animals, even the animals themselves identify themselves through, like smell or smth

But for humans? no.

It's much weirder to find someone who looks so much like you or someone you know? Over 8.062 billion people and yet how likely is it to find someone who is your exact height? has your exact face? same exact posture? even exactly the same likes as you?

Like really let that sink in............ 8.062 billion people and yet it's confirmed that NO-ONE is almost exactly like you? Even people that just LOOK like you, your doppleganger, is roughly only 7 per person?

Wierd.

[loonarmuunar]

I can’t even lie I do find a lot of HASO/Humans Are Weird things here frustrating because they tend to sort of… exaggerate things as general human traits. I dunno man there’s definitely PLENTY of people who get friendly with any wildlife they see, it happens all the time with people approaching moose, bison, seals and sea lions, even stray dogs and cats, but I think people forget that’s how a lot of people die or get grievously injured. We can be durable but we’re not THAT durable. And there’s still plenty of people who don’t do this.

And yk, these people still do exist ofc, whatever, but it especially bugs me when it’s like

Alien: GET AWAY FROM THAT, that is a Ywernvig, they’re incredibly dangerous and are hostile when approached and—

Human: *pets the alien critter, which is now docile and domestic after a few minutes* oh would ya look at that

Alien: …

This kind of idea, that any creature, no matter how dangerous, can be made tame with enough love, is… irritating to me, I guess. I mean correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m. pretty sure it takes a long time for most animals to be domesticated. Sometimes when you interact with an untamed animal, they WILL behave tamely!! A lot of animals DO like being pet by people!! But I usually see this with zoo animals, ones who particularly have a lot of experience with humans handling them. They are still very dangerous though. Especially wild animals, with little to no human interaction…

I think my problem with it isn’t that it’s happening, but that when it does happen it’s portrayed as like… comically quirky and dumb, like it’s a silly fun crazy thing to do. It’s fun the first time around, but seeing it a dozen times over makes me a little tired. Not every person attempts to befriend every thing they see. I know that’s apart of the fun of HASO, but people who do that end up getting gored by a moose, or get off real lucky.

And I mean if you like it that’s awesome sure I love that for you peace and love on planet Earth forever and ever!!! But this is my post, and it Bothers me

I think I would really instead love seeing trained professionals getting involved. There are humans who go running headfirst towards any alien animals they see, and about 1/3 of them get away unscathed. But the wildlife biologists, they set up tents, tug on a backpack, and get watching. They observe and observe and observe. They start tagging wildlife. At some point they’re sending out strange robot recreations of these animals, and seeing how they interact with the robots.

Zoos and rehabilitation centers are built, eventually. They find animals that have been pushed out of their territory by the dominating aliens expanding into their territory (destroying the environment isn’t just a human trait apparently). They find sick animals, disabled animals, so on.

Zoos aren’t an exclusively human concept, but there’s a new sense of excitement of a human-made zoo on a different alien’s planet. Most alien zoos focus on limiting contact as much as possible, in an attempt to recreate their environment they’ve destroyed. Humans have a more unique, hands on approach, and maybe that’s the appeal.

For aliens, it’s about preserving the environment as much as possible, no interference. For humans, it’s about preserving the animals, and sometimes that comes with consequences.

Abandoned babies are handfed, and are now reliant on people. They would have died in the wild, and now they can never survive in the wild.

Animals that would have normally died out live full and happy lives, and their survival is entirely unnatural.

The contact is there, but these animals, the human handlers must remind, are still dangerous, before showing off a nasty scar, or a hand missing some fingers.

[marlynnofmany]

Spice in Space

“Of course your food is a biohazard,” Zhee said while the security scanner approved our delivery.

“The label’s just a precaution,” I said. “Pretty sure this is mostly pepper.”

“Right, yes, the food flavoring that gives your meals the flavor of fire.” Zhee tilted his head, bug eyes looking at everything at once while managing to roll sarcastically. “Not a hazard at all.”

“I don’t mean the really spicy kind,” I said as the box slid out of the scanning machine. “Just the regular spices to sprinkle over eggs and whatnot.”

Zhee picked up the box in his pincher arms. “Right, because eating fire-flavored unhatched creatures is a perfectly normal thing to do.”

I laughed and followed him out into the spaceport. “It is where I’m from!”

“Absolute maniacs, all of you,” Zhee declared with a flick of his antennae. “Now where is that food stall? The briefing said it would be tiny.”

“Tiny and close,” I agreed, looking around. Once past the security checkpoint, this place was a riot of booths and pedestrians with an artsy wave pattern on the ceiling that seemed to dampen the sound. It wasn’t as loud as most spaceports I’d been in.

“I see a directory,” Zhee said. “Let’s just check that.”

“Wait, there it is!” I pointed to a little kiosk between full-sized restaurants. It only held enough room for tubs of ingredients, a gigantic hot plate, and the guy currently scraping food around on it with flair. The sign said “Earth Fry.”

“Of course,” Zhee said, moving toward it. “I should have just looked for the fire.”

As we maneuvered through the crowd of Strongarms, Mesmers, and miscellaneous others, the guy tossed the food with his spatula, caught it deftly in a takeout box, and handed it to the customer waiting at the side: another human. No surprise there. By the time we arrived, he was ready to greet us.

“Hello! Can I interest you in some Earth Fry?”

Zhee held up the sealed package. “We have Earth ingredients for you. Apparently they are hazardous.”

“Oh! Yes, thank you! That’ll be the hot sauce and other stuff.” He took the box and found a flat surface to put it on, then accepted the payment tablet I held out for him. “Thanks for being so fast. Somebody got a bit clumsy during the lunch rush and knocked over a few things. Paid for ‘em, but I can’t get all of these local.” He signed for the delivery while I tried to place his accent. Australian?

“Luckily we were just coming from a trade hub,” I said. “This stuff is straight from Earth.”

“Excellent. It’s been a while since I was home, and you can’t beat the real thing for spices.” He handed the tablet back.

“Very true,” I agreed. “Where are you from?”

“Melbourne,” he said while I congratulated myself on guessing right. “Still getting used to how little any of that matters out here. To the average offworlder, Earth is one place with one type of person.”

“And we’re all lunatics who eat poison, right?” I agreed with a sly glance at Zhee.

He spread his pinchers. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Hey now, the garlic is only poisonous to some creatures from Earth,” the guy said, pointing to an airtight tub. “And the onions. If you want the real toxins, the alcohol stores are that way.”

Zhee looked at the ceiling. “It’s like you all have a death wish. Or take pleasure in hurting yourselves.”

“Some of the pain tastes good?” I said with a wave toward the hot sauces.

At the same time, the guy said, “There’s a reason they call us space orcs.”

I laughed. “Do they still? I wouldn’t think enough people even know what an orc is.”

To my surprise, Zhee recited, “Mythological creature from your planet, famed for strength, durability, and lack of foresight. Rumors do go around.”

“I suppose that’s one way to put it,” I said.

“Nobody thinks that’s funnier than my family,” said the Australian. “I get no end of jokes about it. Especially from my mom’s side — she’s from the US, and thinks we all say ‘space’ funny.”

“Does she?” I asked. “Interesting word to focus on.”

“Right? She insists that it sounds like ‘spice,’ and I just don’t see what she’s on about. But!” He held up a finger and fiddled with his collar. “That did lead to my favorite shirt.” With a dramatic sweep of his overshirt, he bared a bright red T-shirt that said “Spice Orc.”

I burst out laughing. “That’s fantastic!”

“Mom was pretty proud of herself for this one,” he said. “Gave it to me for my last birthday.”

Zhee declared, “Appropriate. Entirely in character for your species.”

“And we even brought you spice!” I laughed.

“That you did!” he said, resettling his clothes. “Care to try some? The shredded beef dish is particularly tasty.”

I looked at Zhee, then turned back without waiting for a response. “We’ve got a couple minutes. I’d love some. With extra garlic, please!”

“Coming right up!” He spun his tongs like a gunfighter, and began tossing ingredients onto the hot plate where they sizzled madly.

Zhee just grumbled and looked put-upon, but didn’t object. I planned to make a big deal of enjoying the tasty fire-and-poison meal on our walk back to the ship.

~~~

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book.

Shared early on Patreon! There’s even a free tier to get them on the same day as the rest of the world.

The sequel novel is in progress (and will include characters from these stories. I hadn’t thought all of them up when I wrote the first book, but they’re too much fun to leave out of the second).

[jimvasta]

Humans and their pets

The sentient races of the universe have just about started to get their heads, or approximate similar in function body parts, around the odd nature of humans but only recently have humans begun to bring other Earth creatures into space with them.

“Don't worry about Fluffy, he's totally ship trained.” the human designated Bradley spoke with frightening casualness about the creature sat at his side. It's muzzle was level with his hips and it's forward facing eyes showed it had predator history just as much as humans did.

“It has fangs.” Captain Mota'tog was unimpressed. The permissions were correctly stamped on the file and yet such a creature hardly appeared inoffensive.

“He does not, he's not poisonous. Of course some of his teeth are sharp, he's an omnivore.”

“He's a hunter.”

“He mostly hunts biscuits. He'll scavenge in the canteen from anyone soft enough to feed him. He's a certified well-being dog. People stroke him, he's got really soft fur, it makes them feel better. Look, he's wagging his tail, it means he likes you.”

Mota-tog whistled uncertainly.

“Oh wow!” One of the human engineers arrived at the airlock and dropped her bag as she stared at the dog. “So cute!”

Fluffy jumped round, tail wagging furiously, nuzzling in as the woman buried her hands in his warm soft fur.

“You are totally gorgeous. You're so fluffy and beautiful, you're like a little polar bear. You're here to stay, yes you are.” the woman happily baby talked to the dog who was more than half her size.

Bradley looked at the Captain and indicated. “See. Dogs make us happy.”

“You do all the care for it.”

“Of course.”

There were some false starts with the rest of the crew who were not so trusting of the huge pack hunter in their midst, but over the next few months they slowly learned to trust that the worst he would do was beg for food off their plates at meal times. Some of the braver aliens even began to pet him.

Then an alarm sounded.

Everyone raced to their emergency stations.

Bradley was in the cargo hold, his duty was to check the cargo was safe and secure.

He had quickly trained Fluffy to sit in a corner out of the way. It kept him safe in case anything shifted. The last thing he wanted was for his pet to get hurt by moving cargo.

The clang of magnetic grabs was deafening.

The alert was for a boarding raid.

Pirates.

Bradley cracked his knuckles and picked up a pry bar.

Through the rest of the ship there were varying degrees of panic.

A few of the other species could fight but most looked to the humans, having learned the way they fought when cornered and knowing their best hope to survive was to stay back and wait for the screaming to stop.

“What the fuck is that?!” the shout was shock and outrage. More anger than fear in the moment.

Crouching as it came through the main airlock was a creature taller and broader than anything else on the ship.

“Star spirits preserve us,” Mota'tog whistled. “A Batath.”

“It's a bloody troll is what it is.” Martins snapped.

Everyone froze as they heard the snarling and growling.

It was not coming from the Batath.

Fluffy arrived at speed and leapt, not caring can his opponent was huge. His fur was already matted with the blood of pirates and this was just another opponent.

The humans charged.

The Batath could only concentrate on one enemy at a time, it was used to picking off creatures as they ran, not fighting them off as something had its teeth deep around a knee trying to rip it apart.

The pirates ran when the Batath fell and the gore covered humans turned to face them.

Bradley let himself drop to the deck. “Don't worry, I'm fine. Good boy, Fluffy.”

Mota'tog shook his feathers as he watched the dog go back from snarling killing machine to placid fuss receiver. “I swear to the spirits, all Earth creatures are insane.”

[luluthespectator]

Loneliness and instinct

A human arrived on the ship. The crew didn’t exactly know what to think of this. They heard humans were wild, talkative, indomitable, sociable, flamboyant creatures, excellent liars and capable of taking down anything if they so wished.

When they saw the human however, it was different from what they expected. It was small, lonely and very quiet. It was competent at repairing anything in the ship but it would always do so in a corner, out of the way, if it could. When it finished, it promptly booked it before anyone could interact with it.

The crew didn’t know if it was a good liar since it never spoke more than two sentences at a time. They heard it say:  “Just passing by”, “I’m finished here”, “Excuse me, I need to access this”. From as far as they could tell it never lied with its words.

Some of the crew felt more powerful near the human. They could tell the human thought of itself as something weak and inoffensive and it gave them the feeling that they could crush it anytime. They knew to use this thinking to entertain themselves with the human’s fear.

That’s when Sak’ari intervened. They were from a very old and advanced species. A long white robe fell over their blue tern skin. They usually walked on their four legs and their tail. But when they stood on only two feet, with their tail helping to balance, with a straight posture, they looked majestic and wise. They were one of the last Ancient Ones.

They were the leader of the ship. They took decisions alone, as everyone knew how rational they were. There was no way to corrupt them and they knew to put the greater good before themselves, they didn’t exactly want anything. They longed for a connection, something…meaningful. But they wouldn’t have that by being a tyrant.

When they heard about what happened to the human, they knew it would affect everyone negatively. They first took measures to prevent some of the crew from seeing the human. Usually, they would stop here and focus on other issues. But this time, they listened to their instincts, and watched the human closely.

Sak’ari saw that these measures were practically useless, it was clear that the crew was deliberately malicious towards the human. So, they did something they have never done before, they made new laws to protect the crew and secretly, to protect the human.

Sak’ari had hoped the human would use those laws to protect itself. But it didn’t say anything to anyone and thus the laws were useless.

And so, Sak’ari decided to talk directly to the crew. They didn’t appear in public often however when they did, it was important. They were sure, the crew would listen, willingly or not.

Sak’ari told the crew “You might believe that a frail creature, weak physically, is below you. But no. If those creatures could survive their planet long enough to be civilised today, then, they are not weak. They have strength no one else has, they have a mind no one else has. Respect those species like you would respect anyone else. If you don’t want to do that, at least, acknowledge that you too have weaknesses.”

Everyone knew what Sak’ari meant. The toughest ones of the crew listened. Begrudgingly, they did. They apologised to the human who said nothing in response. After that, life continued its course on the ship.

——

Until pirates attacked them. Everyone knew the procedure. The more resistant species would protect the offensive ones in fights. The ones who had neither were requisitioned in a room to heal the wounded.

Sak’ari fought well. With their powerful bottom legs, they propelled themselves on their enemies before promptly shredding them with their claws. They were covered with fluids, they basked in these even.

It was one of the only moments where they were not the rational, stoic, collected Ancient One. They were back on their planet, they were wild, they were predators, they were free, they were feeling. How thrilling!

And then, they felt like they forgot something. They stopped for a moment, going back to their rational thinking. In their “infinite wisdom”, they didn’t tell the human the procedure.

They rose on their four legs, gave the commandment to their second and left in the corridors.

——

The human was running in the corridors. They were sweating, they were breathless but if they stopped they would die. The stomping behind them merged with their erratic heartbeats.

They knew they were not as fast, not as resistant, not as strong. They were all alone. They were a prey. A prey that needed to run fast. How long? Tears were falling down their cheeks. They didn’t want to die.

They saw a door on their left. It was the one to their workshop. They took it and closed the door. Claws made their appearance, ripping through the door. The human screamed. They took a crowbar on their shoulder and booked it.

They couldn’t hear the stomping anymore, so they walked fast trying to catch their breath. Then they heard it, closer than before. They turned around. Their heart dropped. They screamed. The mandible-claw-thing was right there!

Without thinking, they bashed its “head” with the crowbar and ran. They ran fast and whimpered. They took another door to save themselves…they trapped themselves. There is no second door here.

They turned around and watched as the door was torn apart. They backed off into a corner. As far as they could from the monster that was entering. They begged, they begged as much as they could. It cliqued its mandibles in rhythm. Was it laughing? 

The human felt dizzy. It was so big. The creature approached, slowly, already victorious. The human felt their thoughts fleeting, eaten away by terror. It was right there, it was right there, it was right there! They tried one last:

“Go away! I beg you.”

Before the creature could touch the human, it was hit by a crowbar, again. 

The human entered a frenzy. They hit the creature with all their strength. The creature was disoriented. Then its carapace started to crack. It’s only then, that they felt the shift.

There were no more whimpers, no more sounds coming from the human. They were just wide eyes, almost angry-looking. The fear subsided, there was only instinct. It was hit, after hit, after hit.

The carapace was broken, legs were destroyed. The creature was lying on the ground, fatally wounded. Now the creature was the one begging, it screeched uncontrollably, miserably. It was as if the human didn’t hear.

The screeching subsided to clicks. Then its mandibles were damaged. It only left it with a low and weak rumble. Then it didn’t make any sound anymore. Finally, it didn’t move. It was completely disfigured, damaged beyond repair.

The human kept going, mind blank. It was mechanical at this point. It is all they did for who knows how long. They only stopped when they felt their arms hurting.

——

Sak’ari chose this moment to approach the human. Only to swiftly dodge a crowbar. Upon seeing them, the human backed off, tripped on the carcass, fell down with a whimper and managed to hit itself with its own weapon.

It crawled toward a corner and stayed there. Tears streamed down its face. Sak’ari knew it meant it had too many feelings or one very strong emotion. They approached the human, making sure their movements could be predicted.

What Sak’ari didn’t predict was that the human would jump into their top legs. It held on to them for comfort while sobbing. It reminded Sak’ari of what they did when they were younger.

They passed their tail around the human. Their species are not so different, they thought. In fact, in some ways, they looked alike: they both came from death worlds and convergent evolution made their bodies similar; they were wild but knew to keep it for themselves and harbour a calm look, until danger was near.

Perhaps, that was why Sak’ari was so keen on defending the human against the crew. Maybe, it was because of these small links.

After this incident, the pirates were successfully defeated. The crew discovered what the human had done. The ones who hurt the human felt like they had dodged a bullet, or a crowbar in that case. The crew thought that humans could indeed take down anything, that the rumours were true.

The human was now respected by the crew. However, it was all the more terrified by the tough ones. It found comfort with Sak’ari and stayed with them as much as it could. In the end Sak’ari and the human were inseparable in their time off. Sak’ari found solace in finding someone just like them and the human wasn’t as lonely anymore.

Back to master table

[taro-pdf]

Humans are Space Orcs: Disability in Aliens and Humans

All language is Universal Interplanetary Language unless otherwise specified. Written like a play.

[Kell, human, in the staff break room of a planet-sized spacecraft where they work as a technician. An alien walks in and jumps. Kell doesn't notice.]

Alien, under their breath: what the fuck since when did we have a human on board?? I thought we employed fynta as security…

[Kell turns around and sees them. They wave. The alien stares. Kell puts down their cup and types something on their watch.]

Kell (text to speech, aka TTS): hey, what's up? can I help you?

Alien, under breath: jfdklas;jdjdfls what am I supposed to say to a human???

Kell (TTS): Kell, human, they/them, I've been on board three orbits and I haven't hurt anyone yet. I you can relax.

Alien: Um, Neka, sateen, he/him. And you relax can as well. Human voices aren't harmful to my species.

Kell (TTS): kind of you to offer, but I don't speak, and I can't hear either. My glasses are transcribing your words for me.

Neka aka alien: Oh neat!

[Kell looks at him in suprise.]

Neka: I mean, a lot of my species is deaf. Our world's pretty loud, and hearing is a recessive gene. My parents sent me up for adoption when they realized I wouldn't be able to do anything on-planet because the noise literally hurts, but at least they did't operate to "fix" me.

Kell (TTS): My parents tried to "fix" my hearing but it didn't work out. I can speak with my hands though. [signs in ASL, then types] like that. It's one of the human sign languages.

Neka: WHAT I speak a sign too! [signs in Sateen] You probably don't know that one, but I can do a bit of Universal Traders' Sign as well. it cool I have something in common with one of the scariest species in galaxy!

Kell (traders' sign): Nice to meet you. I promise not all humans are the fighting machines we are said to be.

Neka (traders'): It's been to long since I spoke anything close to my first language. um... you're the first human i've see off a security team and not holding weapons... can you tell me about like everything about humans? I've heard so much.

Kell (traders'): Of course! A lot of it is exaggerated, but there's always some humans who live up to the stories. Let me tell you about them.

[lunaiz4-misc]

By the time the humans invented wireless Internet, the aliens had already been monitoring the RF bands on and in the vicinity of Earth for decades. Well, they didn't have decades - that was a human concept - but many full orbits of the little blue planet around its yellow star.

The packet encryption broke easily when subjected to advanced computing techniques, and soon they were able to pick up, decode, and even send information on the "world wide web." Wary of being detected, they were careful to limit their queries, but even a severely restricted ability to actually *ask questions* made the xenoscience division go starry-eyed.

Their excitement was short-lived, however, as the screen displayed a message that chilled them to their cores: "to continue, please prove you are a human."