#Han Mi going against the expectations of the narrative

[mightydyke]

When characters choose to stop perpetuating a pattern or realise that they can just walk away from what they're "meant" to do... yes girl break the cycle! To hell with the narrative!

[drivingsideways]

Melo is My Nature Review

Well, as usual, I’m late to the party! I picked up 2019′s Melo is my Nature/ Be Melodramatic with some trepidation since I was (am!) still smarting a bit from the disappointment that’s Hospital Playlist S2, and I wasn’t quite ready for another. 

I’m so glad I gave it a chance! While it isn’t a “perfect” series- in the nature of the world *sigh*- its combination of quirky, clever, self-aware humour and heartfelt performances won me over from the first episode. 

More thoughts under the cut (along with some spoilers)

I’m very fond of ensemble dramas that love their characters, and “Melo is my Nature” does that very well. Perhaps a little too well, to the point that you feel the writers letting themselves be more than a little indulgent during the middle stretch of the episodes. But I can’t complain too much, because yes, I know the feeling!  “Side characters” that refuse to stay in the lane and take over the narrative are also my favourites, as a writer and a viewer. I loved, loved, loved Lee Joo-bin as the flighty-but-amazingly-smart Lee So-min; that felt like such a delightful  clap-back against the prevailing sentiment that often goes against young, successful women and the ridiculous levels of expectations of them, in how they need to perform gender and  femininity and smartness. I loved that (like Emma! There’s a lot of Jane in this series!) the writers managed to make her likeable even though they never disregard her flaws or its consequences.

 Another performance/ character that I totally adored was Baek Ji-won as Jeong Hye-jeong, the industry maven who may be (?) a nod to Kim Eun-sook, I suppose! I was afraid at some point that they’d just trash her character, by making her a little too ridiculous in an unkind way, but I found some of the loveliest scenes involved her- like the one where she tells Jin-joo to do the work, but not be too successful. In the end, there was a love and fondness for her, a genuine empathy, that really was core to what made this show so successful. 

Shout out also to two of the weirdest characters I’ve watched, but thoroughly loved- Heo Joon-seok as Director Dong-gi & Lee Ji-min as Nutritionist (?) Da-mi. I absolutely adored that the only wedding in this series is between these two, and they do it in a completely predictably-unusual way. 

Re: the “main” characters, I loved all of them without exception, though some more than the others :) One of the things I love about the show is how real and present the three female leads feel; they feel like whole, entire people rather than caricatures of them, even when the show reaches almost unusual levels of quirky. I love that a through-line of the narrative is how important women’s labour is- to themselves. The work they do, which is acknowledged as a part of their identity rather than just something they do to pay bills (though of course there’s acknowledgement of that aspect too!),  their hunger to do it well and for it to matter- all of that is portrayed in a way that’s charming  but still taken very seriously. And the way you know that its taken seriously is in the things they focus on- how Oh Jin-joo struggles to write alone, and how Han-joo’s learning to be someone’s mentor while struggling with her own insecurities, and how lost Eun-jung feels, when work which was supposed to give her purpose fails her in a time of crisis, and how unmoored she feels without it. 

Re: the romance- I’m someone predisposed to dislike heterosexual romance, especially at the present moment, so it’s always with a great deal of hesitation that I start watching shows that I know have a large romance component. It’s always a bit of a coin toss for me whether the show will end up making me hate the romance or just about tolerate it. I rarely expect to *like * it.  So “Melo is my Nature” was a pleasant surprise!  This is  one of the few series where I felt the writers put in the work to sell the “main romance” of the show. You get to know the Oh Jin-joo and Beom-soo in sharply etched sketches before they move into the romance part (with a lot of tongue-in-cheek meta humour about the formulaic nature of tv romances). I genuinely felt that thrill of  “oh this could go platonic or romantic and I would like either” slowly ease into “oh my god these two are MEANT TO BE”, because the Romance is clearly in the all the ways they are NOT meant to be, but also, very, very definitely are. DELICIOUS. Just my cup of Jane Austen in a different context/ time.

Through most of the show though, my heart was divided between two characters- Jeon Yeo-bin’s stellar Eun-jung and Han Ji-eun’s pitch perfect Han-joo. Jeon Yeo-bin brought edginess, dark humour and a deep, almost- inconsolable grief to Eun-jung. Some of the stand out scenes of the entire series are hers: the moment where she watches herself on video talking to an imaginary person, and the moment she breaks down in front of the psych after talking about her mother. Watching this show, it really felt like- oh, she’s a star. Consider me sold on her for life (though, no, I will not watch Vincenzo unless there’s a Hong Cha-young supercut out there, in which case, please put it in my eyeballs now)

Han Ji-eun, imho, actually pulled off the toughest performance, because I think Han-joo’s strength of character is so often concealed by her “silliness” (in a similar vein to So-min’s), and that often makes her someone you’d overlook or not take seriously.  But god, she broke my heart, from the scene in the first episode where she’s sitting alone at a table after a rough day and watching her horrible ex live his best life to the hilarious and excruciating  “Oppa” scene, to the one where her kid is quite unconsciously cruel to her in the way kids can be. I was disappointed in the way they dropped the “reveal” about whom she’s dating in the last episode- not that I wanted her to be in an romance with Jae-hoon, god, NO- but it felt quite clunky.  This is one of the two complaints I have with the show. 

The second one is that starting from the middle, episodes began to noticeably feel like scenes/ sketches spliced together. Each scene is, within itself, perfectly written and performed, but the seams between the stories began to show. I felt one of the main reasons was that Eun-jung’s trauma tonally felt like it belonged in another show, but instead it had to get stitched into the mostly happy/ frothy storylines of the other characters. Sure, we had Hae-joon and his girlfriend’s terrible relationship, but the show had an easier time integrating that by way of Han-joo.

That said, I love how clever this show is! I love that it loves its own cleverness and can’t resist the urge to show it off- from all the meta references, in-universe jokes, and oh, that entire episode devoted to farting, complete with a song about it,  which I think maybe my fave episode of the series. A great look at the place of performance in intimate relationships (and how the women bear the burden of it more than the men), but coming at it from a place of compassion and humour rather than anger. Love that choice, for the show and us! 

I think @rain-hat mentioned in a comment here or twitter that Melo feels like a part of a triangle of shows along with Run On and Search : WWW.  I’m inclined to swap out Run On for Rookie Historian, or huh, maybe change the triangle for a quadrangle? Rookie Historian dares to imagine a past where our protagonist is (mostly) unshackled by the patriarchy and in the “modern” ending to its main heterosexual romance, reminds us that people have always found ways to find joy and thrive outside the rigid bounds of society. Search: WWW goes about it in the opposite direction- placing us in a present/future where the patriarchy doesn’t  and hasn’t ever mattered. Melo, I think, doesn’t quite do that, but in common with both these shows, it refuses to focus on the trauma of living under such structural violence, and instead talks about how we all (irrespective of gender) can find a way to remain unbroken by it. And while both Search:WWW and Melo do well at queer-platonic relationships as an alternate to the heterosexual project, it’s Run On, I think, which goes furthest there- firstly because though ostensibly structured around a het romance, that romance turns out to be falling in love with yourself/ loving yourself;  secondly because it’s most explicitly queer in the choices that the characters make and the lives that they choose for themselves- Min-joo & May are each others darlings and will be for life, Yeong-hwa and Ki Seon-gyeom are allowed a tenderness in their friendship that feels like an explicit repudiation of toxic masculinity, and of course, you have May being asexual, but not aromantic, and Goh Ye-jun’s whole arc of accepting himself as a gay man, and finding acceptance of that identity from others. 

Anyway! tl;dr would recommend (and have recommended!) Melo is my Nature to anyone fond of women, clever story telling and also ridiculously happy songs.

[allaboutjoongi]

3 things to look out for in "Again My Life" (AgainMa) a.k.a "Cider-buster" (cathartic blockbuster): #Perfectness #Uniqueness #Catharsis

SBS's "Again My Life" is finally unveiled today (April 8) at 10 p.m.

SBS's upcoming Fri-Sat "Again My Life" ("AgainMa") is premiering today on April 8 amid a great deal of attention. In "AgainMa," a revenge drama about a passionate prosecutor who sets out to bring evil to justice, Lee Joon-gi is expected to deliver a cathartic fight for justice and against corruption as prosecutor Kim Hee-woo who travels 15 years back in time. He is joined by Lee Kyung-young, Kim Ji-eun, Jung Sang-hoon, Kim Jae-kyung, Hong Bi-ra, Ji Chan, and veteran Lee Soon-jae, presenting a "cider-buster" and bringing catharsis to a whole new level. With the first episode about to air, here are a few things to look out for in "AgainMa":

#1. Trustworthy actor you can count on! Lee Joon-gi's "perfect" charm in a comeback drama perfect for him

Anticipation for "AgainMa" has already been soaring among the fans because this is a new project from Lee Joon-gi, who has perfectly pulled off both action and emotional performances. Lee Joon-gi is expected to live up to his signature "blood sweat tears" reputation by taking his acting to an even higher level. Earlier, Lee Joon-gi revealed, "I found the subject of AgainMa interesting and I was drawn to the story. In particular, I found it even more interesting as I started thinking it would be fun if I integrated things I love and things I am good at into this Kim Hee-woo character. I think I was destined to meet this character at this particular point [in my career]." Playing a prosecutor who gets a second chance at life, the kind of character anyone would have dreamed of, and showing this "perfect" charm in Lee Joon-gi that viewers have wanted to see, the actor promises to bring people entertainment in various ways. Lee Joon-gi also said, "AgainMa is a drama that is not difficult to follow or that resorts to sensationalism. It is easy to follow, and I think you can enjoy it and have fun watching it. I hope it's going to be a fun gift for you that can relieve a bit of the stress viewers have.

#2. Transformative acting by Kim Ji-eun, Jung Sang-hoon, and Kim Jae-kyung! Chemistry among characters you have never even imagined

The cast led by Lee Joon-gi, including Kim Ji-eun, Jung Sang-hoon, and Kim Jae-kyung, will bring "AgainMa" to perfection. We cannot not talk about the five partners Kim Hee-woo is destined to meet as he starts designing new plans to get his revenge and achieve justice. Rising star Kim Ji-eun is continuing her success as Kim Hee-ah, who is a chaebol heir refusing to live a sheltered life and, as competent as Kim Hee-woo, joining him as an ally in his fight against evil. Jung Sang-hoon, a guy like a wild beat keeping his claws hidden, is also expected to give a transformative performance. Joining forces are Kim Jae-kyung as Kim Han-mi, Hong Bi-ra as Kim Gyu-ri, and Ji Chan as Park Sang-man. They already make an interesting ensemble, and their chemistry is another thing to look out for. Also raising our expectations are such seasoned veterans as Lee Kyung-young as the evil Jo Tae-sup, Choi Kwang-il as Kim Seok-hoon, Kim Hyung-mook as Jung Il-hyeon, Hyun Woo-sung as Dr. K, and Lee Soon-jae as Woo Yong-soo, Lee Joon-gi's real estate teacher.

#3. Thrilling and cathartic time travel!

"AgainMa" tells the story of a prosecutor who sets out to complete his journey of revenge he wasn't able to in his previous life. In so doing, he designs meticulous plans and destroys the evil, step by step, using the knowledge he's brought back intact after he gets killed during his corruption investigation and then time-travels to his 20s. At the heart of the "AgainMa" narrative is this prosecutor's journey of achieving justice in his second life after coming back to life from the dead and traveling back in time. As suggested by the drama’s slogan, “Fight the power with power, stand up for the weak: the only one truly on our side,” Kim Hee-woo grows and evolves, more persistent and stronger than the evil. With our perfectly competent prosecutor setting out to destroy the inner circle of evil, the drama is expected to deliver thrill and catharsis. After mastering multiple skills from law, politics, to real estate, Kim Hee-woo starts to change the course of his own future so his journey will be an unpredictable story. The drama will also keep surprising viewers with twists and intriguing turns of events. Once you enter this “cider-buster” world, there is no way out. It is about to take the small screen by storm.

“Again My Life” is premiering today (April 8) at 10 p.m. KST.

[xoruffitup]

TROS (Mis)Characterizations: What Was and What Could Have Been

What started as responding to an anon ask turned into an entire meta... but working out all these thoughts has at least eased a bit of my TROS pain. :’) 

From my perspective, TROS managed to destroy not only the characterizations built so far in the sequel trilogy, but also the entire story built upon these characters (mainly Reylo) as we knew them. While talking to a family member about the movie a few days ago and voicing my grievances with the story, he pointed out how someone could watch TFA and skip to TROS without realizing they’d missed much. That’s mostly true and entirely gutting.

Since I had an ask to talk about how TROS regressed in terms of characterization, I’ll start with the most hurtful of defacements: All of the nuanced vulnerability that made Kylo/Ben our most beloved character. We had absolutely nothing in TROS like the complex masterpiece moments of TLJ. Think back to “You are a monster.” / “Yes I am” – delivered with glowering menace as Kylo stalked closer, simultaneous to the tell of fragmented uncertainty in a quivering bottom lip and chin, all while his eyes remained completely riveted on Rey. Think back to “You’re not alone” – delivered with a wet sheen to his eyes in a soft cracked voice, but with self-loathing still smoldering behind his expression. Until the scene with Han, Kylo was shrunk into an entirely two-dimensional cookie cutter “villain” figure in TROS, seemingly more committed to the dark side and the First Order than he ever was to begin with in TFA. (I say “seemingly” because his true motives and interior dilemmas are frustratingly unclear in the entire first half of the movie. Cue me loathing the mask more than ever.)

Though Kylo seems uncharacteristically committed to the Supreme Leader role in TROS, considering he ended TLJ in a supplicating position fixing regretful eyes up towards Rey, luckily TROS did at least maintain the Force bond. …or at least the concept of it, because in execution the Force bond scenes achieved approximately nothing of what TLJ so uniquely excelled at: Creating a sense of intimacy, understanding, and forbidden tenderness between Rey and Ben. Instead of soft-spoken entreaties and promises across the soft glow of a fire or the dappling light of rain (ugh, remember the way light and shadow literally played out in contrasts across Kylo’s face during “I am a monster”? TLJ is a cinematic wonder, pass it on), we get scenes where the two yell and spit spite at each other. Most frustrating is how absolutely out of touch Kylo’s dialogue is with the Ben who was revealed through previous Force bond scenes. In a regression that makes absolutely no sense after Ben’s big proposal of “It’s time to let old things die: The Jedi, the Sith… I want you to join me” – he literally has the most reductive, bland, and meaningless lines such as “I will find you and turn you to the dark side.” ……..? Kylo has literally never been that boring or straightforward ever, not even since the TFA interrogation scene. He offered to be her teacher, sure, but never on terms that simplistic or blatantly combative to Rey’s will.

What I’ve always passionately loved and defended about Reylo is that Kylo never forced Rey to do anything harmful or against her will. Even pushing her to the painful moment of admitting the truth (or so we FUCKIN’ THOUGHT) about her parentage during the throne room scene did, in the end, help her character come to terms with repressed trauma and move forward in her journey of self-determination. (haha look at me, still stuck in my feminist goggles as if they haven’t been ripped off my head by TROS…) The point is: The TLJ Force bond was never a means of threat. It was never a tool for Kylo to say something as blatantly antagonistic as “I will find you and turn you to the dark side.” (Wow, did a Kindergartener write that? Come the fuck on, JJ.) And I was deeply disappointed to see the Force bond reduced to a tool used only to tell a part of the story unrelated to Reylo; rather than being the means of developing their relationship in and of itself.

This feeds into my overall biggest grievance with how Kylo/Ben was handled in this film. Similar to the Force bond – Ben’s character was reduced to a secondary prop piece who mostly served only as a narrative device in advancing the Rey-Palpatine plotline. Look, I imagined for months ahead of TROS the kind of candid Force bond conversations we might hear. Like “No one (knows me)” / “But I do.” (Where the FUCK did that line go?! Apparently JJ doesn’t know her…) Or perhaps Ben apologizing and opening up to Rey about how unhappy he is in the dark, how alone he feels. Instead…. we got shit like “You’re his granddaughter.” Like how dare they disrespect Academy Award Nominee Adam Driver’s talent like that?

Now, looking past the fact for a moment that the Rey-Palpatine addition is insulting, unoriginal, and sexist; there could have been a very interesting dynamic here. We would have the grandson of Vader and the granddaughter of Palpatine feeling very different pulls to both light and darkness, Force bonded together as they struggle with the weight of these legacies. Kylo, I imagine, was probably partially excited when he learned it, because maybe this means that Rey would understand him fully and perhaps this time, once she learned the truth, she would finally be with him. But nope, we don’t get nearly that much of a look into Kylo’s head. He does say at one point “You can’t go back to her (Leia), just like I can’t,” but the line missed the mark a bit for me because TROS still had Kylo appealing to Rey from the perspective of “Join the dark side as if we’ve done away with all that grey morality complexity we introduced last movie” – rather than from the perspective of “Neither of us should feel alone ever again.”

I’m rather unspeakably bitter that we had no exploration into what Palpatine’s return meant for Ben. I imagine he would have gone a bit wild upon learning that the man who was responsible for his grandfather’s fall was still alive. And the revelation of “I have been every voice you’ve ever heard inside your head”? This was enough to bring Ben Solo stans to tears before we even watched the movie, and yet it was treated completely off-handedly. Ben never even gets his own moment of coming to terms with Palpatine’s return. No “My grandfather killed you – how is this possible?” Nothing like that at all – even though he’s the character who would be most affected by his return in terms of legacy implications. Nope; Ben’s first encounter with Palpatine at the beginning of the movie – the same encounter where we learn Palpatine has apparently been behind all of the dark side grooming, manipulation, and isolation Ben has suffered since he was literally in the womb – quickly veers towards “Kill the girl / She is not who you think she is.” Early warning here that Ben Solo as a character in dire need of resolution is about to be treated with utter apathy by this film.

Here’s where I need to pause for a moment of self-awareness. While arguing with my Dad about this movie (he loved it), he threw at me that he thought I was being anti-feminist because I disliked the ending of Rey being alone. I quickly did my best to disabuse him of the idea that feminism = women being forever alone. This did make me think though about the implications of TROS veering away from the dual protagonist story framework that had been established up to this point; in favor of a narrative with Rey as the single and clear protagonist. The two main reasons I had such a knee-jerk reaction against this shift were A) It left a bad taste in my mouth after Rey ended TLJ emboldened by her acceptance of her past and unremarkable lineage; and B) It upended Reylo as the foundation of the entire story – also which we’d been led to expect. And I’m not just talking TLJ – I’m referencing back to JJ’s own Director’s commentary for TFA where he says “Now back to the story we really care about” when the film goes back to Rey and Kylo’s forest battle; who described Kylo as “a sort of prince,” and insinuated “you get the feeling there’s more going on here” when Kylo decided to spirit off Rey on Takodana. JJ set all the fucking clues here and then apparently forgot about each and every one.

However – am I perhaps not being fair to Rey in my disappointment that she doesn’t end the film in domestic bliss with Ben? Was I expecting something beneath her potential? Can I really say it’s a bad thing that the narrative rearranges itself in this film to focus chiefly on her? 

The reason it all sits so wrong with me is because Rey’s characterization became bastardized for the sake of her solo narrative. Her character was essentially entirely effaced. The emphasis of her journey thus far pointed towards the crafting of one’s own identify; to the fact that might and greatness can reside within anyone, and it is up to that person alone to decide what kind of life to live with such power. Rey’s development at the end of TLJ indicated she’d found freedom from her past, and was now fully embracing the act of forging her own path without any constraints or shadows. But then, this road she’d been paving for herself was abruptly switched in TROS to one already completed and well-traveled, lined with unoriginal identity struggles and a copout for assigning Rey’s instincts of aggression and passion to the hereditary and ungendered “dark side.” This sudden switch stripped away all of Rey’s unique identity struggles, as well as her agency to define her own story.

Confining Rey to such an unoriginal and unfortunate struggle also required that her own goals and desires be changed as well. When faced with a legacy of evildoers, Rey’s story immediately shifts away from being focused on her, and rather to remedying the mistakes of men who came before. Rey’s own story was about a thousand times more interesting when she was in the center of it. As a twitter post I saw a few days ago but now frustratingly can’t find said very aptly: Male viewers found “Rey Skywalker” satisfying because they see a happy ending as being the “best” or the most powerful. Female viewers see a happy ending as being truly seen, understood, and valued for the person one is. (If anyone knows the source, please let me know...)

Rey used to say she wanted to learn “her place in all this.” That doesn’t indicate a thirst for greatness or power; but rather for belonging and connection. She has spent most of her story so far thinking back to her parents, then spent a solid 2 minutes in TROS looking longingly and smiling at the alien babies on Pasaana, which hello motherhood signaling. She has been happiest in moments when she felt valued and connected to those around her.

The idea of having greatness bestowed upon her by some external entity (aka a man) was already examined and rejected in TLJ. (Read: throne room proposal scene.) But in TROS, this act of external determination is thrust onto her regardless of her will. In so doing, her possession of a legacy rewrites and predetermines all of her goals, battles, and the key facets of her identity. She no longer has the freedom to embrace and cherish her found or chosen family; instead, her goal is to rid herself of the “family” that’s been thrust upon her – making what’s now presumably her happy ending of being disconnected from her assigned family the complete opposite from everything her character previously yearned for. Standing alone in a desert with the company of only half-remembered spirits is likely what filled the nightmares of young Rey of Jakku.

This is, of course, why the dual protagonist/Reylo narrative we expected to see in this film was so compelling. While doing none of Rey’s decision-making for her or removing any agency from the formation of her own identity; her force-bonded relationship with Ben offered Rey belonging, understanding, and purpose. Ben was the only character who could understand how debilitating and frightening it was to feel her Force sensitivity come alive and waver between the light and dark; just as he was the only one who could comfort her in that conflict without infringing on her independence. Once we saw dark!Rey in that D23 footage, I think every Reylo imagined scenes where Palpatine begins to sink his control into Rey’s mind and Ben rushes to her side to pull her back towards the light, because he knows all too well what those voices are like inside his head and he’d rather hear them all again than watch Rey suffer it.

From several perspectives, Reylo fighting and defeating Palpatine together is also the only ending that makes sense from a holistic storytelling perspective. (I mean both of them wielding blue sabers against Palpatine and fighting together in tandem – rather than that single crowd-pleaser shot of them hefting their complementary lightsabers together before Ben gets brushed off into a pit…) While Ben is the legacy character, representing all that our beloved original characters fought and suffered for; Rey is the new-generation character, representing a new age and the banishing of old mistakes which continued to perpetuate conflict. Only these representatives of new and old; of royal legacy and self-made upstart; could truly banish all of the harm committed in the galaxy by Palpatine and remedy all the loss and suffering effected throughout the Skywalker line. To have only a single character recently revealed to be related to Palpatine facing him alone (no matter how “badass” that might make said female character seem by superficial standards), rather than a union with the single remaining descendant of the Skywalker line himself is simply unsatisfactory and directionless storytelling. It is Palpatine’s manipulation towards three generations of Skywalkers that was the sole catalyst for all of the warfare, struggle, and conflict we’ve witnessed throughout this entire 9-film series. To not even engage with Ben Solo-Skywalker’s troubled relationship to that heritage and to completely fail in realizing the emotional catharsis and resolution that stood there waiting is nothing short of infuriatingly shortsighted storytelling. J.J. claimed in several interviews that this film was crafted with the entire preceding story in mind, as a cap to everything that came before. I have absolutely no idea which story he was referring to.

And so, from the perspectives of this film alone, the sequel trilogy, and the entire 9-film saga as a whole – Yes, I do claim that it was a poor decision in terms of story telling and character integrity to reconfigure the narrative to focus solely on Rey. For the reasons just mentioned, it was an utter disservice to Rey’s character arc. To reduce all of the tragedy, charisma, and youthful potential in Kylo/Ben’s character to a secondary narrative device is nothing short of shameful. Not to mention wasting all of Adam’s potential for playing truly heart-wrenching scenes of Ben’s penitent soul-searching. I will never forgive the fact that Ben had literally not a word of dialogue after his quick conversion scene halfway through the movie. Not only does he play no major role in the final battle with Palpatine, but aside from charging in heroically and doing a phenomenal Solo Shrug, he isn’t allowed a single moment of interiority. He has no speech to Palpatine declaring his change of heart and his reclaimed heritage. Perhaps most painful of all – he and Rey never even have their Big Talk where we expected Ben to apologize for the doings of Kylo Ren and for both of them to affirm their desire to be together and their devotion to each other. Adam did a pretty amazing job demonstrating all that in how he cradled Rey’s body and couldn’t even bear to look into her lifeless face (RIP my heart). But no matter how phenomenal and tender the Reylo kiss was, how luminous Rey’s smile was when she said “Ben,” and how achingly loving his eyes were when he looked at her – I can’t help feeling crushingly cheated that their love itself wasn’t what enabled the victory. Rather than the strength they lent to each other through a union that defied light-dark dichotomy (as it should have been and as the story was previously leading towards), it was rather Rey’s miracle heritage that won the day. The fact that Ben never says a damn word when he stands before Palpatine, or when Rey kisses him and he finally realizes she does care for him too – makes both their bond and Ben’s entire character feel like a throw-away prop only there for Rey to wear so long as this feeble story needed it.

I’ve been trying to put my finger on what made TROS’ plot so underwhelming and lifeless compared to TLJ or even TFA. The difference between TLJ and TROS in the simplest terms is that TLJ’s narrative was character-driven, whereas TROS subjected its characters to a narrative. Rather than a huge space battle, TLJ’s biggest moments are Rey and Kylo’s throne room proposal and Kylo and Luke’s showdown on Crait. Both of these moments had huge emotional stakes for the characters involved, which was what made them epic. TROS’ narrative, meanwhile, uses twists like the Rey Palpatine reveal to manipulate its characters in inorganic directions, and builds towards a finale that is unrelated to any of the long-standing challenges our heroes have confronted throughout the story. TROS derided its characters down to mere tools for a superficial spectacle of a story. TLJ, on the other hand, made its characters the story. It’s no wonder I found myself strangely numb and disconnected the first time I saw TROS.

Now, I’m just angry and disappointed. Disappointed that such brilliant, wonderful characters were wasted. Angry that we’ve imagined a hundred endings more appropriate and fair to the characters we hold dear. I am trying to appreciate what I can from the film and hold on to the few beautiful moments, but I definitely plan on writing my own fic version of how TROS might have played out, had it upheld the complexity and integrity of its characters. Even still, I’m quite sure we all know and understand Ben Solo much better than J.J. or Chris Terrio, so in our hearts Ben will find the happy ending he deserves.

[the-l-spacer]

(Ch 1) (Ch 2)

Summary: Lloyd wakes up one morning to discover that, on a whim, the Metaverse had decided to release him and Raven from the Lovers archetype they had been locked in for as long as either could remember.

In the process, however, reality became… just a little screwed up.

Now, Raven is gone, and in his place is David Adams. David Adams, who had never left Ashland, working middle-management at Justacorp. David Adams, who had never heard the anvils, never jumped off Warner's Peak.

But Lloyd remembers everything, and he makes it his personal quest to win back the love of his life.

...No matter how many 'strictly professional' coffee dates it took.

I started a (hopefully) multi-chapter, Raven-kind-of-has-amnesia fic! Title and everything's still very much a work in progress, and this chapter is more an introduction than anything, but I hope y’all enjoy reading anyways!!

- 

The last thing Raven says to Lloyd before he (quite literally) vanishes the next morning is a semi-conscious, “Good night, my love,” mumbled into the latter’s chest as they both fall asleep.

Not that he knows of his boyfriend’s disappearance just yet, of course. For now, Lloyd Allen is asleep. Well, half-asleep, roused from a dream he can no longer remember by a rather odd sensation in his chest, a sensation that he promptly attempts to shake off, willing himself to sink back into slumber. 

He succeeds with the former, though the Metaverse always finds other ways to keep him from the latter.

This time, it’s the mid-morning sun that does it, filtering in through a gap in the bedroom’s curtains, casting a single, warm beam of light across the bed. When the light reaches his face, Lloyd shuts his eyes tighter, burrowing deep under the covers.

“Mmmmfgh,” he groans. “Ravey, draw the curtains.”

When he doesn’t feel the responding shift in the mattress, nor hear the sounds of curtains being pulled, shielding his precious eyes against the sun, his half-conscious mind is consumed by halfhearted annoyance. He really didn’t know what else he expected, considering Raven was always the heavier sleeper.

Eyes still closed, he stretches out his arm, meaning to rouse his (presumably) unconscious partner. Instead of feeling Raven’s telltale warmth, however, his hand connects with nothing but an empty expanse of bed.

Fully awake now (and against his will, too), Lloyd sits up and stretches, preparing to give Raven — probably up and outside without having the decency to give his boyfriend his precious five minutes extra sleep — a good telling-to. He swings his legs to the edge of the bed, and at long last, gets up with a final, drawn-out groan.

He first realises that something is decidedly off when that strange feeling in his chest returns full-force as he’s brushing his teeth.

“This again?” He aims the question, garbled through foam, at his sleepy-eyed self in the mirror.

Spit, rinse, close the faucet, done.

He regards his reflection once again. “No response, hmm?”

More silence.

“Well, I’ll just have to work this out for myself. No thanks to you, and no thanks to Ravey, apparently. I have no idea how he’s up before I am.”

He goes through a mental list of everything that could have possibly gone wrong. Heart attack? No, there would be other accompanying signs. Some other heart condition? Impossible, at least not if the folks who built his body on the Singularity had anything to say about it.

Anxiety? It is a possibility, but what does he have to be anxious about? Compared to where he was a scant year ago, his current position of ‘Carnival Co-Runner, Trainer of One Not-So-New-Now Post-Human, and not to forget, Possessor of an Actual Living, Breathing, Positively Spry Human Body’ is downright enviable.

Perhaps it’s simply dehydration, he decides. He and Ravey did have quite a bit to drink the night before, nothing a quick trip to their small, cosy kitchen couldn’t solve. Plus, he hasn’t quite ruled out the anxiety option. Maybe, in the haze of alcohol and festivities (yesterday being their time-is-fluid-th pre-anniversary, and all), his boyfriend had talked about pulling yet another zero-gravity, hair-whitening stunt. He swears to question him once he finds him, probably in the kitchen nursing his morning hangover over a cup of strong coffee.

But when he doesn’t. When all telltale signs of life in the kitchen — the smell of cooking, of roasting coffee beans, of a chair askew or messy countertops — are simply nonexistent, that’s when Lloyd knows that something is very, very wrong.

Because the kitchen isn’t just empty, it’s as if no one but him had occupied it ever since its construction. There is one, lone kitchen chair tucked neatly at the table, a single mug, one set of silverware, and when Lloyd dashes back to the bathroom to confirm that he isn’t just hallucinating, one toothbrush, his own.

It isn’t just these rooms either. The living room coffee table, which Lloyd is certain would be filled with bottles and wine glasses in the wake of the previous night, is completely empty, and gone from various surfaces are the framed photos of him and Ravey at the carnival, at the Second Playhouse’s opening night. Even their wardrobe isn’t spared, devoid of the violent splash of purple brought by his other half’s various coats, vests, dresses, shirts and heels.

The sensation of wrongness doubles in intensity, made worse by the rapid thump-thump-thumping of his heart. Lloyd’s shaking knees give way, depositing him onto Raven’s side of the bed, cold and bare.

It is then he finally realises exactly what he’s feeling. The sensation is his heart is emptiness, something alien to him ever since he had gotten his body back and returned home to nothing but light and love (and a near-death experience, though that was an accident and hardly counted), even the memory of his hilariously disastrous homecoming sending another icy knife through his chest.

Raven is gone. With it, a piece of himself has been ripped away, and all Lloyd feels is empty.

- 

The rest of his morning is spent in a daze, running around the carnival, asking every worker, Floozy, honorary Floozy and Hell Hag he passes if they had seen his boyfriend. 

“Nope, sorry Lloyd.”

“Haven’t seen him. Isn’t he usually with you?”

“Sorry sugar, No sign of Raven Baby ‘round here just yet.”

A flurry of activity — people setting up booths, clearing the last of the previous day’s detritus, cranking the ferris wheel in preparation for the guests who would arrive from wherever the Carnival decides to park itself for the day — swirls around him, but Lloyd registers none of it. He runs and searches every corner of the place, until his hunt takes him to the last stop, Han Mi’s trailer.

Han hears the feeble knock on her door, and decides not to say anything when she opens it to a panting, wild-eyed Lloyd, who promptly proceeds to wobble past her, collapsing onto her couch, head in his hands.

“Okay, so you didn’t remember to take your shoes off before coming in, I assume you’ve got bad news.”

Through the gap in his fingers, Lloyd mutters a soft, “Shit. Sorry, Han,” before kicking his shoes off and toward the half-open door. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Han sighs, and slides a chair over, taking a seat opposite the man. Not beside. They aren’t quite there yet. 

A brief moment of silence passes, before Lloyd speaks up. “This is probably an exercise in futility, but. I don’t suppose you’ve seen Raven around this morning, have you?”

Letting out a sympathetic whistle, Han says, “No dice, sorry. I woke up, like, fifteen minutes ago, and I think I’d know if Raven was in my trailer. He isn’t with you or the Floozies?”

Lloyd deflates, letting his head fall backward to rest against the wall behind him. Addressing the ceiling, he says, “He very much isn’t. I checked everywhere, and this was my last stop.”

“Maybe he’s running a quick errand in another narrative,” Han offers.

“No. It’s not just that Raven’s gone from the carnival, he’s.” Lloyd scrubs a hand across his eyes, and rests his gaze on her. “He’s vanished completely. All his clothes, his personal items, his photos. It’s like he had never even existed.”

“Wait. What?” Han Mi’s eyes go wide. “Does everyone else know about this?”

“They only know that I can’t find him. You’re the first person I’ve told about… the rest. And there’s more.”

“Wait. Before you tell me, have you eaten yet? Drank anything? You look like a wreck… no offence.”

“None taken, and no, I haven’t. There hasn’t been time to, with,” Lloyd vaguely gestures, “everything that’s been happening.”

“Well, if he’s really up and disappeared, a little time taken to catch your breath couldn’t hurt, could it?” Sure, she was still mad at the shit Lloyd pulled as the writer for the Cabaret, but she didn’t hate him. And she knew painfully what it was like to lose someone she loved.

Lloyd begins to protest, but Han silences him with a glare. She’s persuasive like that.

“Are we doing carrot cake?” He manages feebly.

Han nods. “We’re doing carrot cake.”

[swordsandparasols]

One interesting thing about Hwayugi is that it takes the literally forced romantic set up-one half is magically compelled to love and protect the other, while the other half is unable to reject them-to use other tropes and “romantic” figures of speech and give them literal interpretations, often to highlight the toxicness of some romantic tropes.

 “The love of a good woman will control and redeem a bad man” not being a real thing was a heavy focus of this weekend’s episodes.

 He’s only “doing good” because she’s in danger.  It’s hollow and isn’t real.  Son Oh Gong’s only interest is in keeping Seon Mi alive.  The easiest allegory for their situation is that Son Oh Gong is a dog on a leash.  But he isn’t a dog that’s behaving. He’s pees on all the trees and grabbing the purses of old ladies and ripping them apart with his teeth and biting heels.  He’s restrained but he isn’t being good, and he doesn’t want to be restrained.  He is literally lashing out at everyone over this, concocting cruel plans as an outlet.

 Son Oh Gong’s love is shallow and selfish.  If you love someone you don’t want to love, you’re miserable and make everyone else miserable.  Son Oh Gong is forced to love Seon Mi by the Geumganggo.  He knows the love isn’t real, and he tells her that every chance he gets, usually in the same breath as professing his love.  He’s both completely sincere and wholly insincere at the same time.  Seon Mi doesn’t want his love, but she can’t reject his love or she will very literally die. All consuming love is horrible. Loving someone you don’t want to love is horrible.  Being loved by someone you don’t want to love is horrible.  The unwanted “love” isn’t romantic, it isn’t swoony, it isn’t love winning out against all odds.  It’s unhappy and toxic and misery inducing.  (Son Oh Gong deserves all the misery and suffering the show cares to throw at him because he’s earned it, but Seon Mi deserves no misery at all.  Ever.)

 A conversation early in episode 5 lays out the selfishness of his love, and also sets up the probable final conflict for Son Oh Gong;

  Seon Mi: “But still, this world I love shouldn’t be destroyed.”

Son Oh Gong: “What you love isn’t important.  The only thing that’s important is that I love you.

 And there it is.  At some point in time, Son Oh Gong will have to choose between what he wants (Seon Mi, though for real by that point, as opposed to because of magical compulsion) and what Seon Mi would want him to do, and what will make her happy (saving the world and the people in it).

 And then to drive the point home, we have the tail end of the episode.  Variations of “he’ll burn it all down if she gets hurt” are a popular figure of speech, but here it gets quite literal when the “he” in question is a chaotic trickster god who got kicked out of heaven.  Son Oh Gong literally burns an entire world (a sort of pocket world that exists within a 1930s film) into nothing when Seon Mi is hurt in it.  Mind you, he doesn’t do this to save her-he could have easily extracted Seon Mi and left everything intact-but to destroy it for hurting her.  It’s visually striking (many of the special effects in the show are deliberately-and sometimes less deliberately-goofy, but this wasn’t one of those times) but portrayed as frightening rather than romantic. It isn’t proof of love, it’s evidence of how dangerous he is.  (ETA:  Someone pointed out that he burned the 1930s world into nothing to erase what had happened there so that she’d no longer ever been shot.  My bad.)

 Among all the misery, though, there’s also hope.  We saw last week that Seon Mi has started to get used to and expect Son Oh Gong’s company. She’s lonely and isolated, and the only real human connection we know of that she has is her assistant, Han Joo, who is a far cry from a confidant.  And then a good looking guy starts hanging around, one who already knows her secrets and issues, and who she doesn’t have to worry about confiding in.  He’s also completely honest about his intentions, both good and bad, and comes with the added bonus of showing up to kill evil spirits that threaten her.  Of course she’s going to start to want to rely on him and start anticipating his company. Except she doesn’t really want to, because she knows it’s fake.  She’s still only one magic bracelet away from being lunch, and she tells him that she doesn’t want to like him, and liking him is bad for her.  It’s a sort of honesty that many dramas, regardless of country of origin, often don’t allow their female leads with their designated love interests.  Son Oh Gong, for his part, has accidentally started to be interested in her as a person, even though he doesn’t realize it yet.  He’s learning about her interests and going out of his way to do things, even if they are minor, that make her happy.  He’s also opening up to her, taking her to his actual home (which I did not realize was actually a house and not somewhere in Ma Wang’s building until now)  and letting her have some of the wine and beer he’s been saving up for years for when his restrictions against being able to drink alcohol are lifted. He also appears to be somewhat paying attention to what Han Joo is up to when Seon Mi isn’t around, something he doesn’t really have any reason to do except that Seon Mi will be upset if Han Joo is hurt.  These are fairly minor things, but definite progress for a completely amoral being. On the less minor front, he’s also starting to sabotage his own attempts to be free of the Geumganggo.

 Will the Hong sisters be able to successfully transfer this setup to a convincing romance?   I don’t know.  Based on what we’ve seen so far, I think they can, and as I said in this post , I think there’s enormous narrative potential for it all around, along with a lot of hilarity.  (Did I mention Song Oh Gong deserves every hilarious moment of misery and torment? Did I mention that Seon Mi deserves no misery or torment ever?)  My history with the Hong Sisters is both limited and mixed.  I’ve seen three of their shows and enjoyed all at the time, but only one (Master’s Sun) that I can say with certainty that I’d still adore today. Their other shows have either been shows that didn’t sound good, or (more frequently) shows that sounded perfectly decent, but didn’t interest me.

 This week also sees the introduction of a second potential love interest for Seon Mi.  Given the show so far, it would not surprise me at all if this guy’s company is called “Dragon Studio” because he is, in fact, an actual dragon, but we’ll see how that goes.  An actual love triangle isn’t really something this show needs, or has much room for, so hopefully it’ll work, or at least not be too intrusive if it doesn’t.  We also have Pal Gye accidentally having a case of feelings for our resident adorable zombie girl (Romantic?  Fraternal?  Favorite new pet?  Who knows.) which promises t put a kink into the plans of some other characters, as well as more development of Ma Wang as a more conventional tragic romantic figure, without actually making him a tragic romantic figure.  Related:  I knew Hwarang did Kim See Joo no favors with that dress and hairstyle meant for a character half the age of her character, but I didn’t realize how much so until I saw her with clothing and hair that actually suited her.

[elizas-writing]

Netflix’s Death Note: A Trailer Analysis

So Netflix released a trailer for their Americanized (aka whitewashed) movie based on the beloved Japanese manga/anime series Death Note and, what a shock, everyone and their mother hates it. I’ll be honest, I knew about the casting months before, and it’s still pretty shitty, but given what happened with Ghost in the Shell, should we be surprised at this point? And that one’s getting a theatrical release. But the problems with this Death Note adaptation go beyond just whitewashing two characters; that’s just scratching the surface of the confusing mess and even more problematic implications we might expect from this movie. Also it should go without saying that I will be going into spoilers of the original series, so if you’re one of the five people unfamiliar with Death Note until now, you have been warned.

DISCLAIMER FOR ANYONE WHO THINKS I’M BEING TOO HARSH ON A ONE MINUTE TRAILER

Okay, I know there are gonna be a few people going “Just give it a chance! Maybe there will be something good! It’s unfair to judge before it’s even released!” And with all due respect, that kind of mentality completely disregards the entire point of marketing. Trailers are supposed to draw in an audience and give them a reason why they should spend their time and money to see a movie, TV show or any piece of media ever to exist. How many of you saw the trailer for The Force Awakens and almost shit your pants out of nostalgia when Han Solo came on screen and said “Chewie, we’re home”? How many of you got chills listening to Lin-Manuel Miranda sing for Moana? How many of you got pumped to see Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman together on the big screen? That is the power of trailers when done successfully, even if the movie itself doesn’t turn out well; if film makers want to make money, they need to show that their product is worth something.

If all you have to show is shit, then people will think it’s shit. This is increased exponentially when doing an adaptation of a pre-existing work because there’s already an audience with their own visions on what everything is supposed to look like down to the smallest of details. Most everyone I’ve seen who’s into Death Note now has low expectations for this movie. It’s fine to give the benefit of the doubt and hope some good will come out of it, hell, I always want to hope I’m wrong in some cases. But there is a fine line between (sorry live-action Beauty and the Beast, I just have to) going “Okay, maybe this will be a good Disney remake and they’ll do something new” and “Oh my fucking God, Emma Watson can’t sing. Please fire someone.”

So yeah, I’m still judging the trailer. I’m a Taurus, I’m stubborn, and I got some grievances.

From the get-go, the most glaring issue we can tell is that it is not going to follow remotely close to the original story at all. When is Light running from the police in his early days as Kira? And what even is up with the Ferris wheel bullshit? At that point, they might as well have created original characters; it would have saved themselves a lot of criticism of whitewashing and turning Light and Misa into absolute edgelords even when it’s so out of character, and topping it all off by giving them 4Kids dub names as a way to rub the salt in the whitewashed wound. At least Ghost in the Shell had some decency left to leave Motoko’s name alone. But thanks for getting rid of Light’s literal juxtaposing name of light and darkness to emphasize the moral ambiguity of his actions.

It’s only made worse when in fact an Asian American actor, Edward Zo, did audition for Light and was rejected for “being too Asian.” TOO ASIAN FOR LIGHT YAGAMI, A JAPANESE CHARACTER. What the fuck does that mean “too Asian??” So these filmmakers went out of their way to NOT cast any Asian American actors since apparently people still think American equates to whiteness (spoiler, no it doesn’t) and instead get that kid from the Naked Brother’s Band and some obscure HBO actress.

Not only are Light and Misa unrecognizable because of the whitewashing, they don’t even match on the same damn personalities. Yes, Light becomes a sociopath, but he doesn’t start off as some misunderstood loner or whatever vibe I’m getting from Natt Wolf (by the way, wash your damn hair, it looks greasy). Light was actually a very popular student with good grades, good manners and could easily get dates with any girl he wanted. And he’s very clever to hide his true intentions and manipulate. He’s your average, unsuspecting young adult which works well for the series to show how no one is above this kind of descent into madness. This white kid looks like fucking Dylann Roof, it’s so unsettling and ruins any subtlety to Light’s character. Even this whitewashed Mi(s)a suffered the edgelord syndrome with the image of her against grey colors smoking a cigarette. “Look at me, I’m so fucking dark and edgy.” You’re not making Heathers, give me back the hyperactive idol.

But what about Keith Sutherland, a black actor, as L? On one hand, I’m not too bothered with this change since L is canonically only a fourth Japanese so casting him as a black person isn’t too much of a stretch even though it takes away the iconic image. But at the same time, it lends itself to a lot of problematic territory when setting up a black character as the antagonist to the white character. L is killed in the original series, he loses, and his fight is picked up by his successors. So now we’ll potentially have a case of a white male serial killer with a god complex killing a black man who we’ve only seen so far in shadow and in a hood. Because that is not familiar to cases of racially motivated crimes of black people being killed because they looked “suspicious.” Classy, real motherfucking classy. I can only hope that they change up L’s fate like the Japanese live-action movies did, but this is already looking like a slippery slope to racist tropes as old as time.

And what the series chose to Americanize and to leave alone is just a set up for confusion as they left some of the original Japanese elements. For starters, the hell is Ryuk still doing here? Yeah, I want to see Willem Dafoe as Ryuk, it fits perfectly, but what is a JAPANESE god of death doing in SEATTLE, WASHINGTON IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Like how will you explain yourself out of this one, because I doubt your typical white American teenager will be familiar with Japanese spiritual beliefs. There’s also some graffiti briefly seen that says “Justice of Kira,” but in the original series, Kira comes from the Japanese pronunciation of the English word “killer.” So where do these Americans get Kira from? Explain, movie! Explain!

The themes will also not carry over well in this adaptation because of the differences in justice systems between America and Japan (this one I borrowed from @tadasgay‘s critiques, and it really puts into perspective the problems of Americanizing a Japanese story; giving credit where credit is due). A major driving force of Light’s motivations in the original series are because of criminal cases that don’t even make it to court. Therefore, criminals who are obviously guilty get away with their crimes despite the evidence against them. With the Death Note, Light acts as the prosecutor to "properly” deliver justice because of the facts he can obtain from police records. We don’t know if they will follow through with this, or if this Light will just kill whoever because they are bad. To top it all off, the American crime narratives tend to be biased on race, especially given the disproportionate amount of people of color in the for-profit prison systems. Japan doesn’t have that because it’s a mostly racially and culturally homogeneous country. Just a reminder that our protagonist is now a WHITE guy with a god complex and a black man as his antagonist. This is a slippery slope to twist the original narrative into something horrible and potentially racist. I’m sure I’m not alone when I hope I’m wrong on those aspects, but the fact is that we don’t know, and we won’t know for certain for another few months. These thoughts will be lingering over our heads until then.

At this point, we can only hope that the filmmakers will come out and explain themselves, and more trailers can be released to see more of the story and characters. At best, it will probably just be mediocre, but at worst, it could probably be another shitty American adaptation of an already great Japanese manga/anime. We won’t know for a while, but for now, we still have the original and I think we can all agree nothing will ever top it.

[the-l-spacer]

Summary:

Raven’s hand closes over his, and not for the first time, Lloyd wishes desperately that he could feel its reassuring warmth. Feel anything.

Or,

A late night conversation, and brief musings from Lloyd on the nature of his and Raven's relationship after years spent apart. And also, the fact that he's a doll.

Or,

I abuse ellipses: The Fic

-

Raven finds him out on the wooden steps of his (their?) trailer, reading in the dim light. He had parked the Carnival on the outskirts of some podunk town in some podunk narrative a few hours before, and now the only sounds that can be heard in the night are the soft chirping of crickets, and the occasional wooden creak as Lloyd’s doll form moves to turn a page. 

“Up late?” He tentatively jokes. 

Lloyd startles, slamming his book shut and whirling around to face the man standing at the doorway behind him. 

“Oh. Ravey. It’s you.” He relaxes just slightly (over the past week, Raven had become increasingly adept at sensing emotion from Lloyd’s form. In this case, the almost imperceptible sound of metallic joints loosening was the tell). 

“Who else would it be? It’s just us out here.”

“Us and the other carnival employees-“

“-probably passed out drunk-“

“-and the Floozies, who seem to have an unnerving penchant for popping up when and where you least expect it-“

“-know better than to disturb me this time of the night unless there’s an emergency-“

“-not to mention that Shira girl-“

“-always turns in early, that one-“

“-and Han Mi.”

Raven deflates. “Ah, yes. Her.”

“I’m assuming you’re still unsure of what to make of that girl.” Lloyd knew him better than to phrase it as a question. Damn the man. 

Raven sighs. “We’ve been over this before. The first time we met, I fucked with her and her friends, messed her girlfriend’s head up spectacularly. Now I’m sure she sees me as some monster, which I was. Am.” 

He rubs at his eyes, the lightbulb flickering overhead casting strange shadows over his face, and Lloyd can’t help but notice that Raven looks so old and so very, very tired. “And you know this isn’t a conversation I want to have while I’m sober.”

Lloyd can’t help but make the jab. “I’m sure that attitude of yours helps matters a great deal.”

Raven only laughs bitterly. “You know better than to expect a response to that.”

Lloyd doesn’t hum in acknowledgement, per se, just a low vibrating noise that travels through his wooden body. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that,” Raven says, mouth quirked in a bemused grin. 

“You had better start, because I’m planning on being here for a long, long time. And I hope that somewhere down that line, you would plan on eventually detaching yourself from that doorway you seem fixated on looming in.”

“Ha ha,” Raven intones, rolling his eyes. In a stride, he’s beside Lloyd, lowering himself down onto the trailer’s steps.

“Finally. I was getting rather uncomfortable with you hovering over me like that.” 

Raven reclines, resting his palms against the floor behind him. “Your own problem. The Floozies love it when I hover. Makes them feel safe, or something to that effect.” 

“As it should be obvious,” Lloyd begins, wood creaking as his body tensed up in the motion Raven recognised as bristling, “I’m very much not a Floozy, and I can take care of myself, thank you.”

A brief flicker of hurt passes over Raven’s face, and if he was able, Lloyd would have winced. 

“You know, if you didn’t want me disturbing you, you could’ve just said so. Don’t need to be an asshole about it.” 

“Ravey. Wait.” Lloyd entwines his fingers with Raven’s. “I, I apologise for the snark. I do want you here, I’m just... unaccustomed to the company this late at night.”

Raven’s hand closes over his, and not for the first time, Lloyd wishes desperately that he could feel its reassuring warmth. Feel anything. 

“It’s alright, dear. And I am sorry for disrupting your routine. I know how important that is to you.”

A tinny, mechanical sigh. “Trust me, you’re a welcome distraction. Back in that cesspit of a city, I would’ve killed for someone, anyone to talk to at this hour.”

Raven cocks his head. “Didn’t The Room keep you company at night?”

“I remind you The Room is sentient and alive,” Lloyd retorts. “It eats and sleeps just like the rest of us.”

“Wait. It eats?!”

“It’s vegetarian, if you must know.”

Raven stares at him incredulously, and bursts into laughter.

“It’s true!” Lloyd insists, as his boyfriend cackles away. “I’ve observed the way it consumes its meals. It is, to be frank, entirely unnerving.”

“Ha! I can imagine,” Raven grins.

“Believe me when I say that you couldn’t possibly.”

“So what, it eats its meat-free diet, it sleeps, and in the meantime, you just-“ Raven plucks the book from Lloyd’s hands and holds it up. “- read The Shadow of the Wind?”

Lloyd snatches the book back. “Read anything I could get access to, really. As you know, I don’t have the luxury of sleep.”

“Must’ve been awful,” Raven says, all matter-of-fact. 

Lloyd’s voice is barely audible when he says, “It was. And it still is.”

Raven leans against Lloyd, all hard angles and unyielding wood against soft skin, and it’s awkward and uncomfortable and wonderful all at once.

“Will me keeping you company while you read help at all?” 

“I wouldn’t want to keep you from your sleep.”

“Eh, I can’t really sleep anyway. It’s hard to, knowing that you spend the whole night out here…” The word ‘alone’ goes unsaid, but they both hear it loud and clear nonetheless.

“I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be, and you won’t need to be. Not anymore.” Raven snuggles up against Lloyd, no small feat considering his current form was very much un-snuggle-able. “I’m staying.”

They can’t kiss, but Lloyd rests his forehead against Raven’s, and in that moment, it was enough. “Thank you.”

Raven only smiles in response, and motions to the book on Lloyd’s lap. “Well, don’t let me keep you.”

Lloyd opens the book, and they read together in the flickering light, and when Raven falls asleep on Lloyd’s shoulder around a half hour later, Lloyd carries him back into the trailer, laying him down on his bed, and after a brief pause, settles in beside him.

Isn’t it strange, he muses, eyeing the sleeping form of his boyfriend, strange that in the week that I’ve been back here, this is the first time we’re sharing a bed.

It wasn’t that things were cold between them, they were simply… too used to going without each other. In the day they were inseparable, latched onto each other, both unwilling and unable to let go.. At night, Lloyd would be uncomfortably reminded that he couldn’t sleep at all, that he could only listen to Raven toss and turn in bed, constantly fighting the urge to drink himself to unconsciousness as had become his habit, as Lloyd himself whiled away the hours in the living room or outside their trailer.

He’s not tossing and turning now, Lloyd notices. He’s…

Raven cracks open an eye.

“I’minbed. Thasweird,” he mumbles.

“You fell asleep outside, so I thought I’d carry you in. Probably more comfortable.”

“You’rre in bed.”

“Yes, I’m here, Ravey.”

“Ithought… I thought you couldn’ sleep..”

“Well, I’m keeping you company, like how you did for me.”

“Don’t leave… I like it when you’re here. S’hard to sleep without you.” 

“Ravey, I-“ 

Too late, Raven falls back asleep, a small smile on his lips.

Lloyd pulls the comforter around the both of them, and lays back. It feels odd, him being unused to lying down after so long, and he mentally steels himself for the long and lonely hours ahead.

Still… he can get used to this. The cool breeze blowing in from the forest outside, the sounds of nature, the occasional creak of the trailer, the rustle of sheets as Raven shifts ever so slightly closer to him. 

Lloyd reaches out a hand to stroke his boyfriend’s sleeping face.

“-I love you.”