One of my favorite parts about the writing of Howl's Moving Castle is how easy it is to write off all the things from our world at first as him just being a weird wizard™ (also thanks to bestie @jutenium for spotting this I wouldn't put it like that without you!!/pos). Sure, Sophie uses weird descriptions, but readers have every reason to believe them because of the way Howl is presented as a character. When Sophie says he wrote with a quill that doesn't need an ink, you wouldn't think it was actually a ballpoint pen, you would think Howl had just enchanted his quill so that it wouldn't need ink! When she adds that she can't make out a single word, you think he has matchingly terrible handwriting, but in fact Sophie has simply never seen a pen writing. When she sees the mysterious labels on his books, you think he's keeping a lot of obscure magical literature, but it's really just an encyclopedia and a guide like "Top 10 Rugby Tips." When Sophie notices the bottles in Howl's bathtub, you think they're some kind of magical jars where he keeps girl's hearts, but I'm almost certain that they're just 'Dove' and 'Head and Shoulders' that he's enhanced with his spells and put silly labels on. When you read Calicifer singing a song in a language Sophie doesn't understand, you think it's some kind of ancient cipher or code, but it's actually just a rugby song in Welsh that Howl sings when he's drunk. And finally, when you see the terrifying black door, which is completely shrouded in darkness, you imagine a passage to an eerie, mythical place, similar to what Miyazaki showed us - but it's just fucking Wales.
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New dad Astarion who is about to see his newborn child for the first time.
Of course, he expects his child to be the personification of serene beauty and divine grace. Them to have their father’s silken silvern locks, his immaculately chiselled features—the artwork perfected by Tav’s wonderful watercolour eyes…
And then he actually sees the child and—well—everybody assures him that, yes, Astarion, all babies look like that barely a half hour after birth…
He kind of has to take that at face value because he hasn’t seen an awful lot of newborns in his lifetime.
But it would’ve been nice if someone had told him that newborns happen to look like shrivelled potatoes, because he’s really, really trying to not let his bewilderment show.
Astarion swallows.
Tav’s beautiful eyes are watching him, waiting for a reaction—an enthusiastic one, no less.
Maybe Tav will believe that he’s overcome with emotions at seeing his firstborn child?
“Oh my, darling, I’m…speechless,” is all he can choke out, though, being rather proud that it’s at least not a lie.
To his luck, Tav only nods dreamily, her full attention back on the odd little bundle in her arms.
“Isn’t she perfect?”
Yes, perfectly hideous.
Astarion only hums in a way of reply.
That—his daughter, he supposes—is with no doubt one of the ugliest things he’s ever seen, but he has a feeling that his honesty wouldn’t be appreciated after Tav laboured for hours to give birth to this…potato-baby.
“Come, hold her, Astarion,” Tav says, then, bidding him to sit next to her on the bed.
The mattress shifts under Astarion’s weight and he obediently holds his arms out so that Tav can gently place the sleeping child against his chest.
Now that Astarion can take a better look, he can confirm that his daughter’s hair is of an indefinable colour and that her features are neither his nor Tav’s, plain as can be. Surely it won’t stay like that?
He and Tav are so ridiculously beautiful, their child can only be drop-dead gorgeous, right?
Astarion’s stomach drops indeed when, suddenly, something occurs to him.
Oh dear, what if it’s his fault? He has no recollection of his family whatsoever; it’s very much possible that he and his immaculate looks are the exception in his lineage, and that he’s passed on only those mysterious less-than-perfect genes…Tav, as per usual, can’t be the issue!
Astarion is still catastrophizing when the bundle in his arms begins to stir.
All of a sudden, gold-speckled pale green eyes are looking up at him as if to ask what the fuck this weirdo’s problem might be.
“Oh,” the weirdo in question exclaims at once. “Darling, look, she has your eyes!”
Tav, hugging him from behind, rests her chin on his shoulder, so she can watch as Astarion’s finger tenderly strokes their baby’s chubby cheek.
Their daughter also has, as it turns out, ten fingers and toes, a cute little nose and a hungry mouth—everything that’s supposed to be there is there, and it seems to be working fine, too—which is a huge relief.
And aren’t those the tiniest pointy ears Astarion has ever seen? Let alone the unexpectedly strong fingers grasping at his!
Astarion, worries forgotten in a heartbeat, can’t help but smile at the baby in his arms.
She is perfect, after all.
Tav, face hidden in the crook of his neck, begins to tremble against his back.
For a second, Astarion thinks she’s crying but then her laughter fills the chamber. It takes her a good moment to articulate whatever it is she finds so very funny.
“She'll grow out of it, you know?” Tav giggles in between her fits of laughter.
Astarion stiffens. “Of what?”
“The turnip look. That’s what you’ve been worrying about the whole time, haven't you?”
“I was leaning more towards potatoes—but yes, I might’ve been a little worried about that,” Astarion admits sheepishly, although a grin is already tugging at his lips.
Regaining her composure, Tav reaches over Astarion’s shoulder, her hand joining his as they get to know their child.
“Give it a couple of days and she will look like your proper little elf—beautiful just like her father.”
A content sigh leaves Astarion’s lips, right before he presses them against Tav’s temple.
“That’s the second best news I’ve heard today, my heart, truly.”
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Okay, but what if, after graduation, all the students band together and create a gigantic contract that states that, after their deaths, their respective UMs are to be given to Malleus, so he'll never be alone?
The contract's paper received protection from Vil's Fairest One of All, so it's basically indestructible (it can only be broken after Malleus himself dies).
Future Malleus tries to use everyone's magic at least once per day.
It's a Deal, Off With Your Head, Bind the Heart and Split Card are very useful for his daily activities as a ruler, he uses Oasis Maker to water his garden and help in times of drought, I See You is mostly used to keep prized possessions in check and Sleep Kiss has saved plenty of people.
The more destructive abilities like King's Roar are mostly used in times of peril (or when he wants to be petty and dramatic), and the same goes for Bet the Limit. Shock the Heart, Laugh With Me and Snake Whisper are very useful for intel gathering or pranks.
He uses Unleash the Beast whenever he visits a colder climate or just wants to change forms without turning into a dragon (he becomes a black wolf with green eyes, very fluffy). Doodle Suit is often used to make food taste terrible (he misses Lillia, even his atrocious cooking), while Fairest One of All protects all gargoyles frim erosion.
Far Cry Cradle is used to reminisce fond memories, and he likes to use Meet Me in a Dream to visit Ortho, who is still alive. He LOVES dashing around with Living Bolt.
He can't exactly use Gate to The Underworld, since it's hereditary and troublesome, so Idia gave him an indestructible tablet with a custom gargoyle game and a "Idia Mode" (the tablet makes annoying remarks, like "GG Folks" or "This RNG really is awful").
BONUS:
Malleus: As your King, I hereby declare that the Senate is to be immediately disbanded.
Senate: WHAT
Idia Tablet: LMAO. Sucks to suck!
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