#Groucho Club

[damonalbarn]

Damon Albarn's tribute to Bernie Katz, the much loved manager of the Groucho Club in Soho found dead in his flat in August 2017

To the spirit of Soho Its Golem moulder and knight In rhinestones and green satin Your faerie dust flight On to scales under world For the tailor to sew You a suit of small mirrors Reflections of you flow On to all that have loved you so we can find you again Sing Bernie forever our magical friend

source and more tributes – The Evening Standard, 22 September 2017 [X]

[postersbykeith]

[unreesonable]

Launch of Comic Aid at the Groucho Club, 19 January 2005

[how-many-blogs-are-we-allowed]

Image ID - a screenshot of an interview with Greg Davies and Alex Horne from Chortle.

“Alex: I did have to bare far too much flesh. It was horrible. For everyone.

Greg: I do think that one of Alex’s most endearing characteristics in life is that if you ask him to do something, he will do it. And that’s outside of the show as well. Especially after a drink, he really is compliant. I haven’t really taken advantage of it enough yet, but I think I made you eat a pat of butter once.

Alex: Yeah.

Greg: I just said, "Eat that butter," and he did.

Alex: Yeah. That was a good night out.

Greg: We got told off in the Groucho Club because Rosie Jones told him to go and get her a stuffed owl in a glass case from the bar so she could see it. Alex immediately stood up and went and got it, and then the staff all went mental. If you ever bump into Alex on a night out, you can get him to do stuff.”

“If you ever bump into Alex on a night out, you can get him to do stuff.”

As if the Alex/Greg fanfic writers needed any more fodder for their stories.

[icallhimjoey]

where are those pics taken? im assuming u know bc somehow you always do

lol yea it's dean street in soho, just outside the groucho club (as fucking always)

[foxes-that-run]

https://x.com/erodalighthouse/status/1860862311830823179?t=9bAYbirsdaUQhKPjN-8D4A&s=19

What does this mean????? Is it original or some song or some poem??????

It’s original I think, posted at 1:45am London time.

Dean and Old Compton is in London SoHo, on that corner is:

The Groucho Club which is a private members club that Harry went to *a lot* in 2012-2013, usually with Nick Grimshaw. It’s also where Taylor went with Tom O’Dell after the 2013 Brit awards which Harry was also at. Harry was there a week before it seemed to be a favourite of his at the time so... interesting.

More likely is the Dean Street Studio - Bowie recorded there as well as Florence and Adele who worked with Kid Harpoon on those records. When Harry, Tyler and Kid were photographed in SoHo in October 2023 they were a 6 minute walk from that studio.

The silhouette stands out to me too, it reminds me of “she sits beside me like a silhouette. Hard candy dripping on me till my feet are wet”

[depressedraisin]

today's collection of random getty images finds: miles serving cunt in his little mod outfits on a random weekday at the groucho club (2012-2013)

[alexhornefan]

ALEX HORNE & GREG DAVIES - extended version- THEY LIKE TO WATCH podcast P.1

Greg describes himself working as looking like a T-Rex as he lays down and has his laptop on his chest.

Alex described the gift from their manager last year as the most inappropriate present and that he took it straight to the charity shop (a gun that shot insects, Greg calls it a salt gun and says he still has his). Alex says he doesn't want to shoot things.

Greg says he is writing a series at the minute.

They talk about Greg's bad sleeping pattern he's in right now. He rules out having the male menopause and said he's been having the sleep issues for about a year (disturbed sleep where he sleeps 11pm-3am, then gets up, has tea, falls asleep at some point and wakes again about 9am, and he feels awful from it).

Alex talks about his frequent nudity on the show. He says he doesn't want to do it and his MIL doesn't want him to do it as she is constantly furious with him. Greg intervenes and says she's also furious at him and Alex explains she doesn't like Alex to be demeaned and it's often by Greg, but also can be contestants, such as Rhod. But Alex says he thinks becuase he has an average to below average body and he's the creator of the show, it's funny for him to be in those situations and he has no problem with it.

Alex says maybe he wants to be dominated.

Greg says anytime Alex is asked to do something just for fun, he will always do it and says it's one of the many things he admires about him. Alex says he likes fun.

Greg says Alex has removed all fun barriers. Greg talks about the story with Rosie Jones asking him to bring the stuffed owl to her at the Groucho Club. Greg says there was no pause between Alex being asked to get the owl and him going to get it.

Greg says he and Alex are clean living boys. Alex talks about being very drunk on the night out at the Groucho Club and says the message he got from Rosie the next day and it said 'It was so nice to finally meet you properly. What fun. Thank you for bringing the owl to the table' and Alex had to recollection of it and didn't know what the owl reference was and had to phone Greg or Tim about it.

Greg talks about his camping trip with Alex. The host asks if it was just the two of them and Greg says they were with friends, and Alex adds 'And a dog'. Greg says they arrived at the camp site, they set up the camp, they got out a BBQ and within 10 minutes they drank so much that neither of them remember any of the trip. Alex added it was a two hour evening and then they went to bed.

The host asks if they had a social event they were throwing, when they would invite the other and when it wouldn't be awkward not to invite them (he asks the number, like if they were inviting 50 guests, they'd have to invite the other person, or it if was more intimate and they were inviting 20 guests, would they get invited etc.) Greg says that in recent years the number has come down significantly.

Alex says their are many specific events where he won't invite Greg. Alex mentions parental social events, before Greg says that he thinks Alex presumes he won't like things. Greg says whenever Alex invites him to things he always follows it up with 'you probably hate the idea, don't worry about it'. Alex reminds Greg that they met up 2 nights ago and as soon as he got there Greg said he didn't want to be there. Greg says that it was a specific event and Aex says that there are a lot of specific events.

Alex is asked what he wouldn't invite Greg to and if it's down to Greg causing havoc. Alex says it's not to do with Greg causing havoc, more hassle. Alex says he had a Chesham Ladies Football match he didn't invite Greg to. Greg says that was right. Asked about a more grey area for an invite and Alex says about a pub quiz in Chesham he does with Tim Key and John Robins, he says that he thinks Greg would like it (and Greg says he would) but it's a long way and then how would Greg get home. Greg says he'd stay at Alex's and so Alex says Greg is invited. Alex then says that the pubs is a small pub and he'd get a lot of hassle and Greg says this is all stuff that Alex doesn't need to worry about and Greg can worry about it.

Greg says some of his friends call his FOA, for Fear of Authority and says he doesn't let go as quickly as Alex does, but he has the trench mentality where if one does it, he'll go too.

They talk about Greg being a fun guy and having a pile on with Carol Volderman and Self Esteem. Greg also says that one of Self Esteem's people screamed about her having a bad back, but she was on top of Greg.

They talk about comedians not knowing about Taskmaster. Greg says Jamali Maddox not knowing anything about TM and Greg is certain he didn't know who Greg himself was. Alex cites Daisy May Cooper as another. Alex also mentions Judi Love being another.

Alex and Greg says they both enjoy it when the contestants don't know much about the show, especially with how ridiculous the show is. Alex mentions the series 17 women not knowing anything about the show and how much he enjoyed it.

Alex talks about tasks per series and says not many get scrapped if they don't make the series.

Talking about the costs of tasks, Alex says it's about £250 per task and they like to have evetyday items rather than specific odd items for a task, like a metal cage. Alex also says he already had the giant inflatable ducks. Greg mentions that the origin of the show in Edinburgh was Alex bringing home-made things with him and it's good that it's maitained through the show.

About people saying no to doing the show. Alex mentions David Mitchell, but thinks it could happen. Dawn French had some diary conflicts and Stephen Merchant has neither said yes or no.

Greg says non-comedians that he knows have said no because it's not for them. Asked if he can still enjoy their work and not to it personally, Greg says yes and that the show, as silly as it is, isn't for everyone. Alex agrees.

Alex says there are people that they haven't asked because they don't think they'll do it, and mentions Mickey Flannigan, and Greg says Mickey has turned it down. He says he called Mickey's agent and asked him to do it and he just said 'Nah'. Alex said it's fine and they respect that and it's always worth an ask. Alex also says they haven't asked Ricky Gervais, for example. Alex also said that they were amazed that Victoria Coren Mitchell and Bob Mortimer both did the show.

They talk about cleaning up a body and hiding it (after Greg brings up The Cleaner). Alex talks about himelf and a friend seeing someone in Chesham with a large suitcase and they were convinced it had a body in it. Greg talks about he and a friend's discussion on who you would call up if you had to bury a body and Greg thought of a certain friend and when he saw him next he bought up the conversation and asked if he would help him bury a body and the friend said 'My friend, I wouldn't even ask you what happened'. The host asks Alex if he would help Greg with the body and Alex says yes, but Greg disagrees. Alex says he would ask what happened. Alex said he would bury a body *for* Greg and Greg asks would you bury one *with* me, and Alex says he would. Without being prompted, Greg says he would bury a body with Alex because he knows him well enough now to know that if he had a body to bury there'd be a good reason for it.

Alex tells the story of burying his dead pet snail santa and hitting a underground wasps nest and the wasps flying at his children and the fox digging up the snail, eating the snail and leaving the shell on the doorstep. Alex said he thought it was funny and the kids did too.

[freddiemercurylegendabovelegends]

Today, on 18th February, 1990 - Queen Story!

Freddie Mercury's final public appearance on stage when he joined the rest of Queen in London to collect the Brit Award for Outstanding Contribution to Music.

All the band members attended, Brian May giving a short speech.

👉 In this photo: Huge party took place after at Groucho Club in Soho for Queen's 20th Anniversary Party

[themaudlinmimic]

groucho marx: "DNI: Any club that would have me as a member."

[tomoleary]

Al Hirschfeld (1903-2003) "While Harpo Marx Offered Golf Lesson with Umbrella and Matzoth Ball, Other Round Table Diners Calmly Ate On," Hollywood's Exclusive Comedians' Club, Collier's magazine story illustration, February 9, 1952

In the foreground are Groucho and Chico, with George Burns to the left of Groucho and Jack Benny next to Burns. Danny Kaye has a spoon to his mouth. The rest I’m not sure of.

[vince-noir-666]

Source

What's new for this series? Are there any new games or updated rounds?

I feel like people love the Buzzcocks format and they would freak out if we changed it. The show is so famous it's one of those that can go on forever and it doesn't matter who's in it.

The weird Mick Hucknall game that Greg is obsessed with is back. He essentially puts Mick Hucknall's picture over someone else's face and we guess who's behind it.

What can you tell us about the guests this series? Who can we expect to see?

The Nova Twins were on my team who were hilarious... and telepathic. They're for young people but I'm quite interested in their music. There's also been Suggs from Madness and Harry Hill, which was exciting. Katherine Ryan was also very funny.

Gregory Porter was absolutely amazing. No one really knew what he was going to be like, because he has that smooth beautiful soul voice, but he was really funny. He pitched it really well. Americans are always good at that, coming in, working out what is going on, then finding the right level and tone and joining in. He is a class act.

What has been your most embarrassing celebrity encounter?

What, ever? Jesus... When I was partying, I had a lot of weird encounters. Pete Doherty bit my ear once. Not off, but he did draw blood. I'm trying to think of things that won't get other people in trouble.

What's the best thing about filming Never Mind The Buzzcocks? What's the worst?

I have a soft spot for the show because I spent five or six years doing it with Phill Jupitus so it's part of my life weirdly. It's always 'Bs' with me, there's some kind of magic with the letter B. Boosh, Bake Off and Buzzcocks. I'm scared to make a show that doesn't begin with B.

I like that it's about music as there doesn't seem to be any other shows out there about music. I love all the people on it so it's easy for me to do. I also like the fact there's an audience because it makes it quite exciting.

You first appeared on the show way back in 2007. What's changed since then?

It's interesting doing it this time now that I'm older. When I used to do it, I would get shitfaced before the show and take the guests out to The Groucho Club and it would end up really messy. I would sometimes even do the show without going to bed the night before.

I remember once I hadn't been to bed for a few days and when I came into the studio, Lorraine Kelly chased me around and spanked me over the desk with a wooden spoon. At that point I didn't know if I was dreaming, or if that was real, but I knew I needed to go to bed.

Another time I was out at a party, and someone had to come and get me and bring me in. Weirdly, they went quite well, those shows.

Now I've got two children, it's more like a cup of tea and then home.

Which of your fellow panellists do you have the most rivalry with?

I like taking the piss out of Greg, but me and Jamali aren't that bothered about winning. We're not adverse to cheating but to be honest we never win so it doesn't make a difference. I feel like we've only won once throughout the whole three series! The downfall is down to us both.

Which panellist is the cheekiest?

I wouldn't describe anyone as cheeky, so maybe that means I am. Greg's quite cheeky, he makes it quite jovial and fun. Daisy is the most ridiculous, and I mean that as a compliment, because she says things you would never think of saying and does things that you can't believe your eyes are seeing. Jamali is absolutely vicious, he can destroy people. He is the most troublesome because he absolutely annihilates the identity parade line-up but that's his thing, he's like a viper. He just sits back and bang.

Who has the best banter?

Me and Greg have quite good banter because we've known each other for quite a long time. We did stand-up together so we're old mates. I love working with Jamali, we're like the double act that no one knew they needed in a bad cop movie.

Who on the panel causes the most chaos?

Daisy. She is chaos. She dresses amazingly though and has been killing it with some amazing dresses and looks.

If you and your fellow panellists were in band, what would that band be called and who would be the lead singer?

Oh Jesus Christ. I'd have to be the lead singer, wouldn't I? Greg on drums. I feel like Jamali wouldn't turn up, he couldn't be fucked, but if he was there, he'd be on bass. I'd have to be pulling some shapes at the front although Daisy could also do that.

If you were in a band, which other celebrities or musicians would you want to play alongside?

I used to be in a band with Serge from Kasabian called Loose Tapestries. We never performed live, but I would've liked to. It was mostly TV soundtrack stuff.

I was also the lead singer in couple of bands years ago, around the same time I started comedy, which were called Smee and Slam Icabod.

I've also done some things with Razorlight. I did a gig at The Royal Albert Hall and Jonny Burrell came on. What was good about making The Mighty Boosh, was that Julian [Barratt] and I could make different types of music but when you're in a band you have to choose one genre. We could do surf rock, electro, funk, and jazz because it was a comedy show.

Who would be your dream Glastonbury headliner?

Elvis would be good, I love Elvis. The Beatles would be good, but don't tell Jamali I said that. Black Sabbath or Jimi Hendrix would be amazing. The Doors as well.

I used to go on stage with Kasabian dressed as Vlad the Impaler and dance around like Bez, a vampire Bez, and one time I went on at Glastonbury. Dolly Parton was on before them, so we chatted for about half an hour, and she complimented my outfit. There must be a picture of us somewhere.

What's your favourite album of all time?

That's a hard one. I'm going to have to say Sticky Fingers by The Rolling Stones. My mum and dad are full rock and rollers, so I grew up on Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, The Doors, The Stones, The Kinks and Black Sabbath. I like the Beastie Boys too.

When we did The Mighty Boosh we were quite into the Wu Tang Clan and Kool Keith. Lots of rap. Beck was quite big then too. Iggy Pop, The Peaches, Joni Mitchell. I like folk, I like everything.

First gig?

It was probably Status Quo or David Bowie with my parents. It was a good start. I remember seeing Oasis before they had an album out. When I was in college it was the likes of Blur, Pulp, Oasis, and Supergrass. When we got famous as The Boosh, we were hanging out with The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and The White Stripes. Then it all went a bit pop.

No disrespect to pop but it's not my thing, X Factor and all that shit. I feel slightly sorry for the kids. Not that I don't love pop - I love ABBA, I love The Bee Gees and Britney Spears. I love bands though, there's something quite magical about bands.

Five of us would perform as The Boosh - if it went well, we could go and celebrate together, and it would be us against the world. You want to like a band when you're young, don't you? Someone that's a little bit rebellious.

[notfspurejam]

Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith at the Wyndham’s Theatre discussing their new stage show, Red Studios (Photo: BBC/Red Studios)

When people discover that the new Robbie Williams biopic Better Man presents the star, without explanation, as a chimpanzee, they usually have the same reaction that Steve Pemberton’s mum had. “What? He’s a monkey?” he mimics in a broad Lancashire accent. But when Pemberton was offered the role of Williams’ wayward dad, Peter, he got it immediately. “I didn’t question it. I thought it was genius. Phrases kept coming into my head: the monkey on your back, the performing monkey, the cheeky monkey… It’s such a bold choice.”

Prior to filming, Pemberton had met Williams only once, very briefly, when Matt Lucas introduced them at the Groucho Club about 25 years ago. “Matt Lucas was slightly more rock ’n’ roll in his connections,” he says. “The only club I was a member of was Archway Snooker Club.” Lucas was a bridge between two realms of fame. Pemberton was finding cult TV success as one quarter of the League of Gentlemen (with Reece Shearsmith, Mark Gatiss and director Jeremy Dyson) while Williams was the biggest pop star in the land — and probably the unhappiest.

In the film, Williams (played by Jonno Davies behind simian VFX) quotes the old observation that a celebrity’s emotional maturity is frozen at the age they become famous. For him that was 16, when he joined Take That. “What I admire about Robbie is how open he’s been,” says Pemberton. “Probably he was an arsehole to a lot of people, by his own admission. He talks so openly about all the different things in his life, whether it’s the relationship with his father, the drugs, the depression. It’s all there in the film.”

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 27: Steve Pemberton attends the European Premiere of "Better Man" at Odeon Luxe Leicester Square on November 27, 2024 in London, England. (Photo by Dave Benett/WireImage)

Pemberton, by contrast, was almost 30 before he became recognisable, and part of a group that “had each other’s backs”. “We didn’t need to do all the partying and drug-taking. We were very much a cup of tea and a Tunnock’s teacake.” He wasn’t even trying to be famous. “I always felt like I want people to know the characters I’m playing. I don’t need them to know anything about me.”

Pemberton is grabbing lunch in his dressing room at Jacksons Lane arts centre in north London. Just minutes ago he finished the first run through of Stage Fright, the imminent theatrical version of Inside No 9, his improbably long-running BBC anthology show with Shearsmith. If you’ve seen him navigate myriad ages, classes, sexualities, moralities and wigs in the show, it’s a little strange meeting him as himself: a genial, silver-haired, 55-year-old father of three.

Pemberton owes his role in Better Man to Inside No 9. Peter Williams left his family when Robbie was young to pursue his cabaret dreams under the alias Pete Conway, and regarded his son’s later success with a cocktail of pride and envy. Damon Herriman, who plays Machiavellian Take That manager Nigel Martin-Smith, urged director Michael Gracey to watch “Bernie Clifton’s Dressing Room”, a classic episode of Inside No 9 about the tense reunion of an old-fashioned comedy duo called Cheese and Crackers. Pemberton brings to Peter a similar needy flamboyance — something brittle behind the ingratiating grin and corny patter. “Robbie found fame corrosive,” he says, “and Peter couldn’t understand how once you’d got your dream it could be anything other than golden and wonderful.”

Undated Handout Photo from Missing You. Pictured: Steve Pemberton as Titus. See PA Feature SHOWBIZ TV Missing You. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature SHOWBIZ TV Missing You. PA Photo. Picture credit should read: Netflix. NOTE TO EDITORS: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature SHOWBIZ TV Missing You.

Steve Pemberton as Titus in Missing You (Photo: Netflix)

Pemberton loved dressing up and performing with his younger brothers as a kid on Chorley (“we had a well-rehearsed little Christmas show”) but his family had no showbiz aspirations whatsoever. His dad, a high-end car salesman, and his mother, who taught secretarial skills, never went to the theatre or saw acting as a viable career so they were nonplussed when he wanted to pursue drama rather than business. “I don’t know where my love of performing came from,” he admits. “I’m a bit of an anomaly. I suppose it was the opposite of what Robbie had. I didn’t have someone competing with me in terms of entertainment.”

He remembers attending a Christmas party with some of his dad’s friends and talking about taking the League of Gentlemen to the Edinburgh Festival. “The first question was, ‘How much do you get for that?’ And I said, ‘It’s not a question of how much I get, it’s how much I’m going to lose.’ There was shocked silence and then they burst out laughing.” But when the League won the prestigious Perrier Award and a Radio 4 commission in 1997, the penny dropped. Pemberton’s dad didn’t live to see the TV version but he loved the radio show. “He was so proud and loved bragging about it. My mum’s still going strong. She loves Robbie, as most mums do.”

In Better Man, Williams’ nostalgic comfort viewing is The Two Ronnies. Corbett and Barker were foundational for Pemberton, too. (Pleasingly, Corbett was one of the League’s first celebrity cheerleaders.) Pemberton was a child of four-channel television and that strange jumble has fed into everything he’s done: Tales of the Unexpected and ghost stories mingling with Are You Being Served? and Victoria Wood. “You had no choice really,” he says. “You watched what was on.”

He has no beef with streaming (you’ll see him next in Netflix’s Harlan Coben thriller Missing You) but he loved playing with the expectations of broadcast TV with Inside No 9 episodes like the Halloween special Dead Line, transmitted live with a fake technical hitch, and 3×3, which was cunningly advertised as a new Lee Mack quiz show. Viewers had to work out what was really going on in real time. “We never wanted to dump six episodes in one day – talk among yourselves,” he says. “It’s never sat right with me.”

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 27: Steve Pemberton, Raechelle Banno, Robbie Williams, Jonno Davies, Carter J Murphy and Michael Gracey attend the "Better Man" European Premiere at the Odeon Luxe Leicester Square on November 27, 2024 in London, England. (Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images)

Inside No 9 was an improbable hit. It began with a hasty pitch when Pemberton and Shearsmith realised that their black comedy mystery Psychoville would not be renewed, and proposed an anthology format – each episode stands alone in terms of plot, characters, genre and tone – that conventional wisdom said would give viewers no reason to keep watching. But season by season, it grew into a beloved cross-generational fixture. “We want people to have those memories of our show like we have of the things we watched when we were younger,” says Pemberton. “We hope it will be remembered in years to come.”

It’s certainly shown how much he can do. After playing darkly comic grotesques in The League of Gentlemen, the cast initially struggled to be taken seriously as actors. Pemberton remembers one casting director saying, “Oh, you act as well, do you?” The mainstream parts came eventually (Benidorm, Happy Valley, Doctor Who) but Pemberton and Shearsmith created their own opportunities with Inside No 9. In one decade, they raced through a career’s worth of roles and collaborators. Alison Steadman, who plays Robbie’s grandmother in Better Man, is one of them but then it’s hard to find a British film or show without at least one Inside No 9 guest star in the mix: Keeley Hawes, Jenna Coleman, Derek Jacobi, Eddie Marsan.

While promoting the final season earlier this year (the ninth of course), the duo were matter-of-fact about saying goodbye, so it’s reassuring to hear that Pemberton got emotional while shooting the finale. A meta-fictional extravaganza containing Easter-egg references to all 55 episodes, it unfolded at a wrap party featuring dozens of former guest stars. “It was so moving to walk into that room,” he says. “It was like your life flashing before your eyes. Everyone had come to Manchester just to be there for us. I teared up a bit the first time we watched the montage in front of that crowd. It felt indulgent, but in a good way.”

Steve Pemberton attending the European premiere for Better Man at Odeon Luxe, Leicester Square, London. Picture date: Wednesday November 27, 2024. PA Photo. Photo credit should read: Jeff Moore/PA Wire

Following the recent wrap-up documentary The Party’s Over, Stage Fright will finally close the door on Inside No 9, though not their partnership. Pemberton laughs when I tell him that one of the questions in Google’s “People also ask” box is: “Are Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith friends?”

“We wrote that nasty argument in the last episode and a lot of people were quite upset when we were filming it,” he says. “We are friends in real life. You cannot work with someone for 30 years otherwise. When we’re in a room together writing we laugh a lot. It’s such a joyous thing. We have quite a fluid working relationship but it’s not over.”

Over time, the pair realised that their friendship was Inside No 9’s secret emotional throughline, though at first they experimented with not appearing in every episode. “We didn’t want it to look like, ‘Hey, look at us dressing up every week! We’re the big stars of the show!’ But the longer it went on, the more we became the USP.”

It was a nice revelation for someone who was never desperate to be the main attraction. “From me saying earlier on that I just want people to watch the characters, I kind of get now that people want to see me and Reece.”

[homoirrealis]

Can we talk about these?

Noel Gallagher and Miles Kane leaving the Groucho club on August 13, 2013 in London, England

Between signing on Miles' debut album in 2011 (‘My Fantasy’ ), doing whatever above is in 2013 to 2018 onwards when Noel constanly talks shit about Alex and AM in general and Miles too...

I wonder...

[icallhimjoey]

londoner here who was out over the weekend! i wanna help! (and also be a detective hehe.)

okay, i do believe justjared has the date wrong. i was in soho and on dean street on sunday around 1pm and not only was this man not there, but there was not an ounce of rain on sunday. also, the groucho club is literally closed on sundays according to google (and by the looks of it from my own two eyes), so it couldn’t have been then.

however, i was in notting hill on saturday and it started raining around 2pm. so, i imagine it started raining around the same time in soho. joe usually has pap photos around lunch, so i believe this was a saturday shoot.

this also lines up as pinewood studios is closed over the weekends according to google as well.

then, if that was on saturday, his outfit there is different to the one in the pics with lupita. sure, he could’ve gone home and changed, but i believe that is unlikely. the shakespeare play is not shown on sundays, saturday we can assume he was busy, so i’m going to guess that it was thursday or friday night.

which means that the set photos in dorset are likely a stunt double/body double if they are indeed from the saturday.

the crew would’ve had to have travelled down from london to dorset, so that could explain why joe was at a 7pm showing of the shakespeare play with lupita as he may have also had the friday off as well as his normal weekends.

[seanpultz]

The Marx Brothers in The Haunted Mansion

(The setting is the Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL. The Marx brothers, Groucho, Harpo, and Chico, are standing before the imposing façade of the mansion, which is a nod to the Joel Rathbone mansion in New York.)

GROUCHO: (Looking up at the mansion with a skeptical eye) Well, if it isn't the Rathbone mansion's spookier cousin from the swamplands of Florida. I guess even ghosts need a vacation home.

HARPO: (Honks his horn twice and pulls a surprised face, mimicking shock at the grandeur of the mansion.)

CHICO: (Grinning) Sure is-a big-a place, eh, boss? Maybe-a we find-a some spaghetti-and-meatballs in-a the basement!

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Chico, we're in a haunted house, not an Italian restaurant. But knowing our luck, we'll probably end up with a bill for spectral antipasto we didn't order.

(The three brothers exchange glances, their expressions a mix of excitement and trepidation. The mansion looms over them, its Gothic architecture casting eerie shadows in the dim light.)

GROUCHO: (Turns to the audience with a wink) Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to enter a place where the only thing cheesier than the décor is the puns. Hold onto your seats, and watch out for the pop-up ghosts. They're worse than the ones in my nightmares about doing taxes.

HARPO: (Picks up a pebble, fakes throwing it at Groucho, and then drops it, causing it to bounce off the ground and hit his own foot. He feigns pain and surprise, earning a chuckle from Groucho and Chico.)

CHICO: (Pats Harpo's shoulder) Don't worry-a, Harpo. If-a we see-a any ghosts, I'll use-a my Italian charm to sweet talk-a them into giving us a tour!

GROUCHO: (Sarcastically) Oh, that'll work. They'll be so enamored by your broken English, they'll forget they're dead and start auditioning for the next opera.

GROUCHO: (Looking around the overgrown gardens) It seems the landscaping ghost took a permanent leave of absence. This place could use a good exorcism of weeds.

HARPO: (Spots the knocked over birdbath, mimics a bird taking a bath, and then pretends to slip and fall into it, flailing his arms and legs comically.)

CHICO: (Laughs) You're-a slippery as-a an eel, Harpo! But watch out for-a those invisible horses. They're-a the ones that can really-a kick you where it hurts!

(They approach the black carriage hearse, and Groucho opens the door with a dramatic flourish.)

GROUCHO: (Peers inside) Room for one more in here? Or is it reserved for Uncle Sam's ghostly collection?

HARPO: (Makes a spooky face and honks his horn, as if to say, "Don't go there.")

GROUCHO: (Shuts the door quickly) You're right. Let's not jinx it. Last thing we need is to be the next passengers.

(They make their way up the path, passing through the iron gates into the dimly lit queue area.)

CHICO: (Whispers to Groucho) You think-a maybe we should've taken-a the express line to the afterlife? This-a line is-a longer than my Uncle Tony's stories.

GROUCHO: (Chuckles) And just as entertaining, I'm sure. But remember, Chico, the scariest part of this whole ordeal is that we paid to be here.

(The brothers arrive at a gate flanked by busts of a family, each with an eerie grin frozen on their faces.)

GROUCHO: (To the busts) Good evening, esteemed ancestors of the haunted. Did you hear the one about the family who killed each other for money? Oh, wait, that's your life story, isn't it?

HARPO: (Reaches out to tip the hat of one of the busts, which comes to life, nodding and honking its nose. Harpo jumps back, surprised and amused.)

CHICO: (Laughs) You've got-a a fan club, Harpo! They're-a all noddin' in-a agreement! Maybe they know-a where the fortune is-a hidden!

GROUCHO: (Taps his foot impatiently) If we're going to get through this line, we'd better keep moving before the ghosts start asking us for autographs.

(As they continue through the queue, they come across an ancient crypt with embossed musical instruments on the lid. Suddenly, the instruments begin to play a mysterious tune.)

HARPO: (Startled, he points at the crypt with wide eyes, honking his horn in astonishment.)

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Great, now the crypts are trying to outdo each other in the music department. What's next, a spectral symphony?

CHICO: (Picks up the pace) Maybe-a we should've brought-a earplugs, eh, Groucho? This concert-a is-a giving me the willies!

GROUCHO: (Taps the crypt with his cane) You can keep your haunted melodies. I'd rather hear you two out of tune than this… (The music stops abruptly.) Or maybe not.

HARPO: (Mischievously pulls out a set of keys, pretends to play them in the air, and the crypt's instruments begin to play again. The brothers laugh.)

GROUCHO: (Shaking his head) Only at Disney would a crypt have an encore.

HARPO: (Points to the crypt with bubbling water and a look of amazement)

GROUCHO: (Peers into the crypt) What's this, the ghost of Captain Culpepper Clyne's bath time? If he's not careful, he'll float away like my chances of winning a straight game of poker.

HARPO: (Dips his finger into the water, tastes it, and makes a disgusted face, spitting it out.)

CHICO: (Grinning) Maybe-a it's-a his secret fountain-a of youth-a water. You know, one sip and you're-a forever young! Like my Uncle Guido, who thinks he's still-a a teenager at seventy-four!

GROUCHO: (Sarcastically) Or it could just be the mansion's version of a fancy water feature. The ghosts probably have to deal with HOA complaints about the algae.

HARPO: (Sticks his entire hand in the water, pulls it out, and starts blowing bubbles, popping them with his horn.)

GROUCHO: (Chuckles) Well, if we're not careful, we'll be blowing bubbles with our paychecks. This place has more gimmicks than a Vegas magic show.

CHICO: (Eyes the water curiously) You know-a, if-a we find-a the treasure, we could buy-a this whole park-a! Imagine-a, our own-a haunted casino!

GROUCHO: (Stops in front of a tomb with the name "Prudence Pock" etched on it, noticing words appearing and disappearing on the surface) Ladies and gentlemen, behold the ghostly poetess herself, Prudence Pock, penning her latest sonnet to scare off the weeds.

HARPO: (Reads the words as they appear, "The moon shines bright on my lonely heart…" and starts to mimic writing in the air with his finger, reciting the poem with dramatic flair.)

CHICO: (Interrupts with a laugh) You've got-a competition, Harpo! Maybe she's-a looking for-a new ghostwriter for-a her next big hit, "The Haunted Mansion Blues!"

HARPO: (Continues with the poem, gesturing dramatically to the words, "The shadows dance to a tune so faint…")

GROUCHO: (Interrupts with a snicker) If she's looking for a critic, I've got a few choice words for her. But I doubt she'd appreciate my take on free verse.

(The words on the tomb continue to change, now saying, "Welcome, dear guests, to our eternal abode.")

CHICO: (Reads aloud with a mock dramatic accent) "Welcome, dear guests, to our eternal abode"? Maybe she's-a auditioning for the role of-a the Mad Hatter in the next Disney remake.

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Or maybe she's just trying to make us feel at home in this graveyard of good taste.

HARPO: (Honks his horn in agreement, the sound echoing eerily through the graveyard.)

GROUCHO: (Turns to the tomb) Thanks for the warm welcome, Prudence. But if you've got any more poetry up your spectral sleeve, save it for the ghostly book club. We've got a mansion to haunt.

(The brothers arrive at the servant's entrance, a creaky, cobweb-covered door.)

GROUCHO: (Pushing the door open) After you, Chico. You know, to test for booby traps.

CHICO: (Steps aside with a grin) But-a of course, boss. After all, I've got-a more lives than-a a cat-a. And if-a there's-a treasure, it'll be-a like finding-a a meatball in a haystack-a.

HARPO: (Makes a dramatic bow and gestures for Groucho to lead the way, honking his horn in a playful taunt.)

GROUCHO: (Sighs) If only I had your confidence, or lack thereof. Alright, let's go. But remember, if we run into the ghost of the world's worst singer, I'm hiding behind you two.

(They enter the mansion, stepping into a dimly lit corridor filled with the sound of distant whispers and creaking floorboards. Harpo pulls out a flashlight, casting erratic shadows on the walls.)

HARPO: (Shines the light around the room, honks his horn to scare off any potential spirits.)

GROUCHO: (Poking his head into the first room) Looks like the ghosts had a garage sale and forgot to invite us. (He spots a dusty chandelier swinging slightly.) And I see the ghosts have been practicing their ballroom moves.

CHICO: (Whispers) Maybe-a we're not-a the only ones looking for-a the treasure, huh? Maybe-a we got-a some spooky competition!

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Great, because nothing says 'fun night out' like a scavenger hunt with the undead.

GROUCHO: (Looks around the foyer, squinting at the portrait) So, this is the mug of the man who thought it was a good idea to build a mansion in the middle of a graveyard. Charming. He looks like he could use a good exorcism himself.

HARPO: (Mimics playing the pipe organ with his hands, his face contorting to match the somber tune.)

CHICO: (Nods towards the portrait) You know-a, Groucho, he's-a not so bad-a looking. Maybe he had-a the ghost of Elvis give-a him a makeover before-a he kicked the bucket.

GROUCHO: (Approaches the portrait) If he's the owner, I'd say he's got the right expression for it. I just hope he left the lights on.

HARPO: (Honks his horn to echo through the foyer, as if to announce their presence to any lingering spirits.)

GROUCHO: (To the portrait) Don't worry, we're not here to steal your furniture. Unless, of course, it's haunted. Then we'll just be borrowing it for a little while.

CHICO: (Whispers) But seriously, if-a we find-a some gold, we're splitting it three-a ways, right, boss? No funny business?

GROUCHO: (Grinning) Well, Chico, I've always believed in the sanctity of a good joke. But when it comes to treasure, I say, finders keepers, and the ghosts can weepers.

HARPO: (Makes a face, pretending to cry, then honks his horn in mock protest.)

GROUCHO: (Pats Harpo's shoulder) Don't worry, Harpo. We're in this together. Now, let's see if this place is as empty as my dance card on a Friday night.

(They cautiously step into the next room, the pipe organ's melody growing louder and more dramatic with each step, setting the stage for the whimsical yet eerie adventure that awaits them within the Haunted Mansion.)

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "When hinges creak in doorless chambers. When strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls. Whenever candlelights flicker when the air is deathly still… That is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight."

GROUCHO: (Startled) Did someone say something, or is it just my ears playing tricks on me?

HARPO: (Shines his flashlight at the portrait, honks his horn in astonishment as it morphs into the decayed visage.)

CHICO: (Whistles) That's-a some-a renovation job! From handsome to… hammer-time!

GROUCHO: (Regarding the portrait with a raised eyebrow) You know, I've always said, 'If you can't say something nice about someone, come sit next to me.' But in this case, I'll make an exception.

(The wall opens up to reveal the octagonal room.)

GROUCHO: (Peers into the room) Well, what do you know? It's the ghost's idea of a surprise party. And I didn't even get a 'You're it!'

HARPO: (Tentatively steps into the room, flashlight sweeping around, then stops and looks back at his brothers with a 'what now' expression.)

CHICO: (Follows, a little nervously) Maybe-a we crashed-a their poker night. I've got-a a great hand-a of dead men's tells.

GROUCHO: (Shakes his head) You two and your ghostly delusions. This place is more likely to have a haunted buffet than a poker table. Let's just keep moving before the walls start playing Three Card Monte with us.

(They step into the octagonal room, the floorboards creaking beneath their feet. The portrait's eyes seem to follow them, the music swelling ominously.)

GROUCHO: (Looks around the octagonal room, noticing the paintings) Ah, the family portrait gallery. You can tell they're related by the way they stare at us like we're the ones who should be framed.

CHICO: (Walks over to the young lady with the parasol) Hey-a, signorina, you wouldn't happen-a to know-a where the treasure is-a hidden, would you? (He mimes digging and finding something valuable.)

HARPO: (Moves to the man with the bowler hat, tips his own hat, and honks his horn.)

GROUCHO: (To the bearded gentleman) And you, sir, you look like the kind of chap who'd hide the treasure in the most obvious place. Like the family jewels in the fruitcake.

HARPO: (Honks his horn in agreement, pointing to the portrait of the old woman holding the rose.)

GROUCHO: (Approaches the old woman's portrait) Now, she's the type who'd hide it in the last place you'd think to look. Like the TV remote in the freezer.

(The paintings' eyes follow them as they pass, creating an unsettling atmosphere.)

GROUCHO: (Turns to the audience) I think these guys are trying to tell us something. Maybe we're not the only ones who don't like uninvited guests.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Mansion. I am your host, your Ghost Host. Our tour begins here in this gallery. Here, where you see paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their corruptible, mortal state. Kindly step all the way in please, and make room for everyone. There’s no turning back now."

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this haunted room actually stretching? Or is it your imagination — hmm?"

GROUCHO: (Looks around as the room stretches) Ah, so this is what they mean by 'elongating' the tour. I guess the ghosts are trying to add a little suspense to the decor.

HARPO: (Honks his horn nervously as he watches the paintings stretch.)

CHICO: (Whistles) They've got-a more stretch marks than my Uncle Guido's old tuxedo. What's the deal with these ghostly family portraits? They're giving me the heebie-jeebies.

GROUCHO: (Nods towards the bearded man) It seems our friend here had a… explosive personality. And I thought my taxes were a keg of dynamite.

HARPO: (Mimics the bearded man's situation, jumping away from an imaginary explosion.)

GROUCHO: (Turns to the young lady) And the lady with the parasol? She must've had a fear of heights and alligators. Or maybe she just didn't get along with her pet Nessie.

CHICO: (Laughs) Or-a maybe she was-a practicing for-a the Haunted Circus!

HARPO: (Looks at the old woman and honks sympathetically)

GROUCHO: (Smirks) Ah, George. He didn't get the roses from his sweetheart. Instead, he got a permanent headache. I guess marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, even in the afterlife.

HARPO: (Honks his horn in mock surprise)

GROUCHO: (Regarding the man in the bowler hat) And this poor soul. I hope he had a good relationship with his ghostly chiropractor. Sitting on shoulders in quicksand is not my idea of a good time.

CHICO: (Picks up a broom) Maybe-a we should've brought-a our swimsuits for-a this part-a of the tour. It's-a a ghostly game of 'Simon Says' gone wrong!

GROUCHO: (To the audience) Well, it's clear we're in for an interesting evening. And I thought the worst thing that could happen in Florida was getting stuck on 'It's a Small World' with a hangover.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "And consider this dismaying observation, This chamber has no windows and no doors… which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!"

The Ghost Hose Laughs. The Marx Brothers have all eyes on the ceiling.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): Of course, there's always my way.

The lights go out and lightning flashes above. The ceiling vanishes and gives a view of the mansion's cupola, where the skeletal corpse of the Ghost Host sways from a noose tied to the rafters.

GROUCHO: (Startled) Well, I'd say 'cheerful' is not the decorating theme here. I feel like we've just been invited to a very grim surprise party.

HARPO: (Honks his horn, his flashlight shaking in his hand, as he looks up at the swinging skeleton.)

CHICO: (Crosses himself) Whoa, that's-a not the kind of host I was expecting. Maybe we should've brought-a a ladder to get out-a here, eh?

HARPO: (Makes a ghostly face, then pretends to pull his own necktie into a noose, honking nervously.)

GROUCHO: (Squinting in the sudden brightness) Well, that was a real mood killer. Did someone say 'trick or treat' or was it just the house's way of saying 'Welcome to the madness'?

HARPO: (Recovers quickly, honking his horn and shining the flashlight towards the new passage with excitement.)

CHICO: (Nods eagerly) Maybe-a the treasure's-a this way! Or at least-a a secret stash of-a garlic bread!

GROUCHO: (Pokes his head through the open wall) After you, Chico. I've got a feeling this place is going to be more 'haunted' than the IRS audit room.

(They step into the newly revealed passage, the door sliding shut behind them with an ominous finality. The sound of their footsteps echoes down the corridor, mingling with the distant whispers that seem to follow them.)

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Oh, I didn’t mean to frighten you prematurely. The real chills come later. Now, as they say, ‘look alive,’ and we’ll continue our little tour. And let’s all stay together, please."

The brothers exchange nervous glances as the walls begin to close in around them, the portraits' eyes seemingly following their every move.

GROUCHO: (Dryly) If this is their idea of 'staying together,' I'd hate to see their attempt at 'personal space.' It's like we're in a ghostly game of sardines, and the ghosts are playing it by the book.

HARPO: (Honks his horn in agreement, his eyes wide as he shines the light around the tightening corridor.)

CHICO: (Looks around anxiously) If-a we get-a any closer, we're gonna be-a doing the 'Tango of the Tight Squeeze!'

GROUCHO: (To the audience) Remember, folks, when in a haunted mansion, always let the little ones go first. That way, you can see if the walls have an 'open' sign.

We continue onward down a long hallway, leading to a short queue that is used to board the Doom Buggies.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "And now, a carriage approaches to carry you into the boundless realm of the supernatural. Once on board, remain safely seated with your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside. And watch your children, please."

GROUCHO: (Patting the Doom Buggy) Well, if it isn't our chariot to the afterlife. I just hope the horse isn't named 'Blaze' or 'Sparky'. That's never a good sign.

HARPO: (Hops into the Doom Buggy with childlike excitement, honking his horn as he takes his seat.)

CHICO: (Clambering in after Harpo) You know-a, Groucho, if we're-a going to the afterlife, maybe we'll find-a Uncle Guido playing-a the slots with the angels!

GROUCHO: (Settles into the Doom Buggy, adjusting his bow tie) I'd say that's a safer bet than finding the treasure in here. But let's keep our spirits up. And our feet inside. Safety first, even in the land of the dead.

HARPO: (Shines his flashlight around the buggy, making it bob up and down as if it's a disco.)

GROUCHO: (Sighs) You know, Harpo, I'm pretty sure ghosts don't need disco lights to find us. But go ahead, make yourself at home.

(The Doom Buggy starts moving, carrying them into the depths of the Haunted Mansion.)

CHICO: (Gripping the side of the buggy) Whoa-a, it's-a like the world's slowest-a rollercoaster. If-a we're gonna get scared, it's-a gonna be from boredom!

GROUCHO: (Dryly) I wouldn't be so sure, Chico. After all, we're in the House of Mouse. They know a thing or two about giving rides.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Do not pull down on the safety bar, please. I will lower it for you. And heed this warning: the spirits will materialize only if you remain quietly seated at all times."

The safety bar is lowered.

GROUCHO: (Looks up at the floating candelabra) Ah, the ghost's chandelier. I hope it doesn't decide to drop in for a visit.

HARPO: (Honks his horn and makes a face as they ascend the stairwell.)

CHICO: (Looks around nervously) This-a place is-a giving me the willies! Like my Uncle Guido's dance moves at the wedding.

GROUCHO: (As they pass the windows) Well, that's one way to keep the draft out. If it's any consolation, it looks like we're not the only ones with unpredictable weather.

(The lightning flashes, revealing the transformed paintings.)

HARPO: (Gasps and points to the anthropomorphic tiger.)

GROUCHO: (Chuckles) So, the art collection has a wild side. I guess even ghosts have a taste for the avant-garde.

CHICO: (Whistles at the ghost ship painting) That's-a more rockin' than the boat-a Uncle Vito took us fishing on. And it didn't even have a disco ball!

GROUCHO: (Glances at the skeleton knight) And here's the medieval equivalent of a horse that's seen better days. It's not a 'night in shining armor' anymore, is it?

HARPO: (Sticks his tongue out at the Medusa painting, which turns to stone when the lightning strikes.)

GROUCHO: (To Harpo) Careful there, buddy. We don't need any more stony faces around here. You're already giving the competition.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Oh yes, and no flash pictures, please. We spirits are frightfully sensitive to bright lights."

Leaving the hallway, we enter into a rectangular library, which is filled from floor-to-ceiling by shelves lined with hundreds of books. Phantom hands pull books from the shelves. An empty chair rocks gently back and forth, and a ladder slides to and fro as an unseen force searches for a good read. Among the shelves, marble busts glare at us as we move along in the gloom.

CHICO: (Looks around the library) Whoa-a, it's-a like we've stumbled into-a Uncle Guido's nightmare library! All-a these books and no-a espresso machine!

HARPO: (Makes a scared face at the phantom hands, then pretends to read from an invisible book, honking as he 'turns' the pages.)

GROUCHO: (Leans back in the Doom Buggy, unphased) Well, I've seen scarier book clubs. At least these ghosts don't argue over the plot.

HARPO: (Reacts to the ghostly hands by pretending to throw an invisible book at them, honking in surprise when it 'flies' back.)

GROUCHO: (To the audience) You know, I've never seen a ghost with a library card. Maybe they borrow them from the spectral library.

CHICO: (Points at the rocking chair) Eh, Groucho, I think-a that chair's-a got more life than you at 6 AM before-a the coffee!

GROUCHO: (Grins) And I'd wager it tells better ghost stories too. But let's keep moving. I don't want to get stuck in the 'Never-Ending Tale' section.

HARPO: (Sees the ladder moving and mimics climbing it with his flashlight, honking as if he's reaching for a book.)

GROUCHO: (Shakes his head) Harpo, I don't think they need our help organizing. Besides, the last time we tried to help in a library, we got banned for playing 'catch' with the encyclopedias.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): “Our library is well stocked with priceless first editions, only ghost stories, of course, and marble busts of the greatest ghost writers the literary world has ever known."

GROUCHO: (Eyes the piano as the haunting melody fills the air) Well, well, well. It seems we've stumbled upon the ghost of Rachmaninoff's lost cousin. Or maybe he's just playing 'Chopsticks' in the key of 'E' for Ethereal.

HARPO: (Picks up invisible mallets, mimicking playing an invisible xylophone alongside the piano, his shadow joining the invisible ghost's on the floor.)

CHICO: (Taps his foot to the tune) You know-a, this-a music is-a soothing. It's-a like listening to Uncle Guido snore after-a a big meal.

GROUCHO: (Sarcastically) I'm sure the neighbors are thrilled with the late-night jam sessions. But let's not interrupt. We wouldn't want to break the mood—or the piano strings.

The storm outside intensifies, casting eerie shadows across the room, enhancing the macabre ambiance.

HARPO: (Looks out the window, mimicking the sound of rain and thunder with his horn.)

GROUCHO: (Follows Harpo's gaze) Ah, the perfect soundtrack for our ghostly concert. If only Tchaikovsky was here to conduct the thunder.

CHICO: (Shivers) Maybe-a we should've brought-a our-a raincoats. This place is-a colder than my ex-wife's shoulder!

GROUCHO: (Turns to Chico) Chico, I don't think rain is our biggest concern. Unless ghosts have started charging for the 'haunted concert' experience.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "They have all retired here, to the Haunted Mansion. Actually, we have 999 happy haunts here. But there’s room for 1,000. Any volunteers?"

GROUCHO: (Leans in, whispering dramatically) Chico, I think he's hinting we're next on the guest list. Maybe we should start rehearsing our afterlife stand-up routine.

HARPO: (Honks his horn in a playful 'maybe' tone, pointing to the next room.)

CHICO: (Grinning nervously) Sure-a, Groucho. I've got-a a killer joke about-a the ghost who walked into-a a bar and said, 'I'll have-a a whiskey-a sour, hold the whiskey!'

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Chico, your jokes are scarier than this whole mansion. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We're not signing up to be room and board for the afterlife just yet.

Next, we enter the main stairwell of the Mansion. Here in this M.C. Escher-like void the stairs go right-side up, upside-down, sideways, slantways, longways, back ways, front ways, square ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It is on these steps we see the ectoplasmic footprints of the Mansion's ghostly residents.

GROUCHO: (Looks around the stairwell) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ghostly equivalent of a Cirque du Soleil act. I just hope the stairs don't decide to pull a fast one on us.

HARPO: (Makes a confused face, pointing at the various directions the stairs are heading.)

CHICO: (Chuckles) Maybe-a we're-a on the ghost-a treadmill. You know, for when they get-a the afterlife blues and need-a to work off-a the spectral calories.

GROUCHO: (Shakes his head) Chico, I think we've stumbled into the 'Staircase to Nowhere' department of the mansion's home gym for the afterlife. Let's just stick to the straight and narrow.

HARPO: (Starts to mimic climbing the stairs, his legs moving as if defying gravity.)

GROUCHO: (Laughs) Harpo, you're going to be the talk of the town with those moves. The ghosts will think you're auditioning for 'Dancing with the Departed.'

CHICO: (Makes a face) And here I was-a hoping for-a an elevator. You know, something that says 'up' and 'down' without-a the acrobatics.

GROUCHO: (As they glide over the stairs) I guess we're taking the scenic route. Just don't get dizzy. The last thing we need is a Marx Brother's reenactment of 'The Three Stooges Meet the Stairs'.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Well, if you should decide to join us, final arrangements may be made at the end of the tour. A charming ‘ghostess’ will be on hand to take your application."

In the blackness, glowing, blinking eyes transform into the pattern on the wallpaper.

GROUCHO: (Nods towards the wallpaper) Ah, it seems the décor has decided to get interactive. I hope these wallpaper ghosts are more entertaining than the wallpaper at my last hotel. That stuff was enough to make you want to check out early.

HARPO: (Starts making googly eyes at the pattern, honking his horn in a playful rhythm.)

CHICO: (Grinning) You know-a, Groucho, maybe-a we could use-a this for-a our next comedy club. 'The Eyes Have It'—where the wallpaper watches you laugh!

GROUCHO: (Sarcastically) Great idea, Chico. Nothing says comedy gold like a room full of judgy wallpaper. But let's keep our eyes peeled and our wits sharper than the creases in our suits. Who knows what's lurking around the next corner?

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "We find it delightfully unlivable here in this ghostly retreat. Every room has wall-to-wall creeps, and hot and cold running chills."

The Doom Buggies pass a second floor passageway that seems to go on forever, lined with doors. A lone candelabra floats in midair halfway down it. Flanking the hallway entrance are a subtly-moving Suit of Armour and an armchair designed to have a "face."

GROUCHO: (Looks down the endless hallway) It's like the Hotel California, but with more dust and fewer complimentary soaps. I hope we don't get room service from that floating chandelier.

HARPO: (Makes a spooky face at the suit of armor, then pretends to be scared when it moves slightly.)

CHICO: (Whispers) Maybe-a we should've brought-a a map. Or a compass. Or at least-a a ghost GPS!

GROUCHO: (Nods to the armchair) And don't get too cozy with the furniture, Chico. That chair looks like it's waiting for someone to sit down so it can tell them the plot of 'Game of Thrones' spoilers included. (To the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we've entered the 'haunted hotel' suite of our tour. Remember, tip your ghostly bellhops—they work for peanuts. Literally.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): “Shhh, listen!”

A keening sounding like a banshee is heard.

GROUCHO: If that's their housekeeping staff, I'm booking us into the 'No Scream Inn' next time.

HARPO: (Honks his horn in agreement, looking around nervously.)

CHICO: (Pulls a face) I think-a that's-a their way-a of saying 'make-a yourselves at home'! But maybe-a we don't wanna stay for-a too long!

We ride past an alcove-like conservatory, the space choked with decaying and overgrown plants and vegetation. Outside the huge glass walls is a misty landscape, with only the gnarled limbs of leafless trees visible in the gloom. A raven perches on top of a stand with a withered funeral wreath, and in the center of the chamber is a coffin whose occupant is trying to get out - skeletal hands attempt to push the lid open saying "Let me out! Let me outta here!", which based on the nails sticking through the wood was meant to stay sealed.

GROUCHO: (Squinting at the raven) Is that a raven or the Ghost of Christmas Past's side gig? And what's with the decor? It's like someone threw a funeral and forgot to invite the flowers.

HARPO: (Makes a sad face at the struggling skeleton, honks sympathetically.)

CHICO: (Shakes his head) Poor-a soul. Maybe-a he's-a looking for-a the 'Check Out' button. I know-a I'd be-a trying to escape if I had to stay in-a this dump-a forever.

GROUCHO: (To the skeleton) If you need a hand with that, we're fresh out of 'Get Out of Grave' free cards. But I can offer some unsolicited advice—stick with the 'closed casket' look. It's more becoming.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): “All our ghosts have been dying to meet you. This one can hardly contain himself. Unfortunately, they all seem to have trouble getting through."

Our Doom Buggy is then carried backward down an ominous corridor, a series of doors on either side of the car. Growls, screams, maniacal laughter and pleading voices emanate from behind them, as if something is trying to get out. Doors bend, as if they are breathing, knockers clack and rattle, and the walls are adorned with some "family portraits" of corpses.

GROUCHO: (Looks around nervously) I don't know about you two, but I've had enough of this backward hospitality. It's like we're on the 'Wheel of Misfortune' tour.

HARPO: (Makes a face, honks his horn in a frantic rhythm, gestures at the doors as if to say, "What's going on?")

CHICO: (Whispers to Groucho) You think-a maybe we've stumbled onto-a 'America's Got Talent' for-a the undead?

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Chico, if this is their audition, I'd hate to see what gets booed off stage. But remember, we're the entertainers here, not the entertainment.

At the end of the hall lies a grandfather clock, with its arms spinning wildly backwards and the clock striking 13. A shadow of a clawed hand passes over the face of the clock.

GROUCHO: (Studies the clock with a raised eyebrow) Now, I've seen some dodgy timekeeping in my day, but this takes the cake. I think we've officially entered 'Time Out for Ghosts' hour.

HARPO: (Mimes a clock chiming, his hands spinning rapidly to mimic the wild movement of the clock's arms, honking his horn on the 'thirteenth' strike.)

CHICO: (Whispers) Maybe-a it's-a the ghost-a of Father Time's unemployed cousin, trying to mess with our heads—and our watches!

We next enter the shadowy Séance Circle. The buggies travel in a circle facing a large table and high-backed chair in the center of the room (a raven perches on the back of the chair). Above this table floats a crystal ball containing the spirit of Madame Leota, chanting incantations that summon the spirits to appear.

Madam Leota: "Serpents and spiders, tail of a rat, call in the spirits, wherever they’re at!"

GROUCHO: (Looks around the séance room, raising an eyebrow at the floating crystal ball) If this is the ghost world's version of a Zoom call, I'm not signing up for the subscription. What do you think they're conjuring up, Chico? Maybe the recipe for invisible spaghetti?

HARPO: (Makes a face at the crystal ball, pretends to be a medium, and honks his horn as if to communicate with the spirits.)

CHICO: (Grinning) Maybe-a they're-a trying to call-a the Ghost of Uncle Sam's lost treasure, eh, Groucho? Or maybe just-a the ghost-a of a decent cup-a coffee!

GROUCHO: (Sarcastically) Ah, yes, because nothing says 'haunted mansion' like a caffeinated séance. But let's not get too greedy. We're not here for the spirits—unless they're the kind that come with an 'extra shot' of whiskey.

Madam Leota: "Rap on a table — it’s time to respond. Send us a message from somewhere beyond…Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween, awaken the spirits with your tambourine! Creepies and crawlies, toads in a pond, let there be music from regions beyond! Wizards and witches, wherever you dwell, give us a hint, by ringing a bell!"

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "The happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations and are beginning to materialize. They’re assembling for a swinging wake, and they’ll be expecting me… I’ll see you all a little later."

Next, we travel along a balcony overlooking the hall. A major party is underway as a multitude of transparent spirits engage in all sorts of revelry. A long dining table covered with decayed floral arrangements and dusty silverware plays host to a birthday feast, and whenever the orange-haired birthday ghost blows out the candles on a birthday cake at the head of the table, the other ghosts seated there vanish, only to reappear when the candles light again; nearby, an old woman disappears and reappears in a rocking chair.

GROUCHO: (Looking over the railing) It seems we've crashed the afterlife's most exclusive shindig. I just hope the dress code doesn't include 'formal decay'.

HARPO: (Spots the disappearing ghosts and honks his horn in amazement, his eyes wide with wonder.)

CHICO: (Nudges Groucho) Look-a over there, boss. It's like-a 'Now You See Me, Now You Don't' dinner party. I bet-a the food's-a just as vanishing as the guests.

GROUCHO: (Shakes his head) Chico, if I ever throw a birthday bash, I'll remember not to invite anyone with a penchant for disappearing acts. It's hard enough to keep track of who owes me money without them popping in and out of existence.

Several haunts drift into the hall from a hearse parked in a doorway, while cloaked wraith-like phantoms fly in through the broken windows from a stormy night outside. While a number of ghosts - including the notorious Pickwick - gadabout on the chandeliers above the room, a pair of duelists emerge from their respective paintings on the far wall and take shots at each other, forever reenacting their age-old feud. The open floor whirls with waltzing couples as a ghastly organist plays Grim Grinning Ghosts on a pipe organ, where tiny spirits emerge from the pipes.

GROUCHO: (Whistles) Well, well, the ghost of the party has arrived. If the afterlife is this crowded, I'm ghosting my own funeral.

HARPO: (Mimics the duelists with his fingers as guns, honks his horn in a dramatic fashion.)

CHICO: (Laughs) You know-a, Groucho, I think-a we could give-a these ghosts a run for their money-a in the dance department!

GROUCHO: (Dryly) Chico, I'm not sure if 'Grim Grinning Ghosts' is on our dance card, but let's not interrupt the show. We wouldn't want to steal their spotlight—or their ammo.

The brothers continue watching the spectral ballroom dance, the music and laughter echoing through the mansion. Despite their quips and jokes, an underlying excitement is palpable in their voices, as if even they can't resist the thrill of the macabre masquerade.

Leaving the Grand Hall, we ride through a dark, dusty and cluttered attic, where the sound of a beating heart and a sinister piano rendition of "The Wedding March" can be heard. Among the brick-a-brac are several pieces of wedding paraphernalia and decor, and five different marriage paintings, depicting the same bride but with a different groom in each.

GROUCHO: (Looks around the attic, stroking his chin thoughtfully) Well, it seems we've stumbled upon the 'Ghost of Bad Marriages' past. I wonder if she's had more luck with grooms than I have with straight faces at a Vegas poker table.

HARPO: (Picks up a dusty wedding bouquet, sniffs it, and pretends to sneeze dramatically from the dust.)

CHICO: (Chuckles) Maybe-a she's-a looking for-a the perfect groom-a. Like finding-a a needle in-a a haystack, only with more tuxedos.

GROUCHO: (Nods to the piano) And here's the soundtrack to her love life—'The Wedding March' meets 'Chopin's Funeral'. Nothing says 'I do' like a tune that could double as a horror movie score.

The brothers continue through the attic, weaving between the dusty artifacts and eerie wedding decor. As the music reaches a crescendo, they come face to face with the bride herself—a ghostly figure in a torn wedding dress, holding a bouquet of dead roses.

HARPO: (Starts, dropping the bouquet he was holding, honking his horn in surprise.)

CHICO: (Whispers to Groucho) Uh, I think-a she might've-a had a few too-a many 'I do' moments. Maybe we should've brought-a a gift-a for the bride.

GROUCHO: (Dryly) I'm sure a lifetime of marital bliss would be just what she's looking for—right after we find our way out of this attic of regret.

Constance Hatchaway: “In sickness and in… wealth. You may now kiss the bride. We’ll live happily ever after. Till death do us part. Here comes the bride. As long as we both shall live. For better or for… worse. I do. I did.”

GROUCHO: (Eyes the spectral bride warily) If she thinks we're her next grooms, she's got another think coming. Let's make like a ghost and vanish before she decides to add us to her collection.

CHICO: (Nods frantically) Good-a idea, Groucho! Before she says 'I do' to chopping us into ghostly confetti!

HARPO: (Picks up the bouquet and pretends to toss it over his shoulder, then quickly mimes a hatchet throw at the approaching ghost.)

We exit the attic through the open window, the cool night air a stark contrast to the stifling atmosphere inside. The Doombuggies glide us along the balcony, and we navigate down the stairs backwards, the sensation of gravity playing tricks on our stomachs. The raven's caw echoes through the night, seemingly amused by our hasty retreat.

GROUCHO: (Looking over the balcony rail) It's like we're on a backward escalator to the land of the living. I've seen more graceful exits in my time.

CHICO: (Peers into the darkness) At least we're not-a going down the aisle with the Ghost of Bad Marriages!

HARPO: (Spots the rising spirits, honks his horn in excitement, as if calling out to them)

GROUCHO: (Grins) Harpo, I think they've got enough company. Let's not invite ourselves to any more spectral soirees.

The three brothers, relieved to have escaped the clutches of the haunted attic, continue their journey through the mansion's ever-changing landscape, ready for whatever spectral surprises await them below.

Upon reaching the ground, the graveyard Caretaker and his equally terrified dog stand frozen, witnessing the unearthly orchestra and the bizarre graveyard antics. The music is a cacophony of instruments and laughter, a macabre symphony that fills the air with an eerie yet oddly cheerful vibe.

GROUCHO: (Squints at the Caretaker) I don't suppose you know the way to the exit? Or do you only mow the paths to the next haunted honeymoon suite?

CARETAKER: (Nods, pointing to a path illuminated by flickering lights)

HARPO: (Honks his horn in the direction of the music, as if asking for an encore.)

CHICO: (Grinning) Maybe-a we should've brought-a our instruments for-a the jam session-a!

GROUCHO: (Rolls his eyes) Chico, unless you're ready to play 'Taps' on a set of skeletal bones, I think we'll pass on the jam session.

The brothers cautiously make their way through the graveyard, stepping over the unseen boundaries of the playful spirits' dance floor. The sight of the King and Queen on the see-saw and the Duchess sipping tea on a swinging branch is too much for even their seasoned comedy chops.

HARPO: (Mimics the see-saw motion, honks his horn in time with their movements.)

CHICO: (Laughs) It's like-a they're-a in the 'Afterlife Olympics' over there!

GROUCHO: (To Chico) And that skeletal wolf howling at the moon? That's just the opening act for 'Canine Idol: The Haunted Edition'. Let's not get too cozy—we wouldn't want to end up as the encore.

They tread lightly, not wanting to disturb the spectral soirée. As they pass by, the phantoms' music crescendos, and the spirits take notice of the living intruders, their eyes glowing with curiosity. The brothers exchange nervous glances, the laughter in their voices replaced with a hint of unease.

On the other side of the path, five Singing Busts come into view, bearing very vividly lit, expressive faces as they sing:

♪ When the crypt doors creak ♪

♪ And the tombstones quake ♪

♪ Spooks come out for a singing wake ♪

♪ Happy haunts materialize ♪

♪ And begin to vocalize ♪

♪ Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize ♪

♪ Now don't close your eyes ♪

♪ And don't try to hide ♪

♪ Or a silly spook may sit by your side ♪

♪ Shrouded in a daft disguise ♪

♪ They pretend to terrorize ♪

♪ Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize ♪

♪ As the moon climbs high o'er dead oak tree ♪

♪ Spooks arrive for the midnight spree ♪

♪ Creepy creeps with eerie eyes ♪

♪ Start to shriek and harmonize ♪

♪ Grim grinning ghosts come out socialize ♪

♪ When you hear the knell of a requiem bell ♪

♪ Weird glows gleam where spirits dwell ♪

♪ Restles bones etherealize ♪

♪ Rise as spooks of every size ♪

GROUCHO: (Stops in front of the Singing Busts, a look of bemusement on his face) Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we've found the after-party for the ghosts with a flair for the dramatic.

HARPO: (Mimics playing a guitar with his hands and hums along to the tune, a playful grin spreading across his face.)

CHICO: (Dances a little jig, singing along) "When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones shake, we're the ghosts that come out to socialize!" Maybe-a we should've-a brought-a our own vocal chords-a for the concert!

GROUCHO: (Shaking his head) Chico, unless you want to be the next addition to their ensemble, I'd keep the singing to a whisper. We don't need an encore with us as the lead vocals.

Other ghosts materialize, gathering around a hearse and drinking tea. A Mummy sits in his sarcophagus, trying to make contact with an elderly spirit who is just too deaf to understand him. Two "Phantoms of the Opera" blast their ghostly voices into the night. A Beheaded Knight, his Executioner, and his Prisoner all sing as a trio, while the poor ghost behind them tombs himself up. Our hero's Doom buggy enters the Mausoleum at the end of the Graveyard sequence where they are immediately "greeted" by the Raven who caws at guests while perching on the door to the Mausoleum.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Ah, there you are! And just in time… there’s a little matter I forgot to mention. Beware of Hitchhiking Ghosts!"

GROUCHO: (Looking around warily) Did he just say 'hitchhiking ghosts'? I thought we were the entertainment, not the chauffeurs for the undead.

HARPO: (Honks his horn and waves at the ghosts, as if to say, "After you.")

CHICO: (Laughing) They're-a more eager for-a a ride than my Uncle Gino when he sees-a a free slice-a pizza!

GROUCHO: (Sarcastically) How charming. I've always wanted to give a lift to the afterlife's answer to a fraternity pledge. Let's just hope they don't have any pranks planned for the return trip.

We pass by three hitchhiking spirits; a Traveler, a Skeleton and a Prisoner.

Their Doom Buggy passes by a wall of mirrors showing that the Hitchhikers are sitting in the vehicles along with the rider.

GROUCHO: (Frowning at the mirrors) Chico, I think we picked up some unwanted passengers.

CHICO: (Looks in the mirror, sees the ghosts) Aha! It's-a like we're-a in a ghostly-a Uber pool!

HARPO: (Honks his horn, gesturing for the ghosts to move aside.)

GROUCHO: (To the ghosts) Alright, you spooky freeloaders, keep your ectoplasm to yourselves. This isn't a group rate tour.

HITCHHIKING GHOSTS: (Their laughter echoes around the mansion as they lean in closer, becoming part of the reflection.)

CHICO: (Nervously) Uh, Groucho, I don't think-a they're-a taking the hint-a. Maybe we should've-a checked for-a a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the afterlife's hotel.

GROUCHO: (Sighs) Well, if we're stuck with them, I suppose we might as well make it interesting. Let's see if they know the way to the nearest poltergeist pub. Maybe we can drop them off there.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "They have selected you to fill our quota, and they’ll haunt you until you return!"

A very small being only around the size of a doll. She wears a white satin dress with a long, non-transparent hood, often mistaken for a veil, of the same material. She has visible long blue hair and glowing pale blue skin. stands atop the ledge of the crypt holding a bouquet of dead flowers. She is Little Leota, the Ghostess.

Little Leota: “Hurry back. Hurry back. Be sure to bring your death certificate, if you decide to join us. Make final arrangements now! We've been dying… to have you…".

GROUCHO: (To Little Leota) Oh, don't rush us, Little Miss Morbid. We're just passing through on our way to the 'Life of the Party' award ceremony.

HARPO: (Honks his horn and waves to Little Leota, as if saying goodbye.)

LITTLE LEOTA: (Her voice echoes around the mansion) "We've been dying to have you…"

CHICO: (Nods) That's-a a wrap, folks! Time to-a get-a out of here before we're-a the next stars of 'The Haunted Mansion: The Reality Show'.

The Ghost Host (offscreen): "Now I will raise the safety bar, and a ghost will follow you home!"

The safty bar is risen and the rider disembarks the Doom Buggy. As we head for the exit, we hear the ghosts sing this following passage:

♪ If you would like to join our jamboree ♪

♪ There's a simple rule that's compulsory ♪

♪ Mortals pay a token fee ♪

♪ Rest in peace, the haunting's free ♪

♪ So hurry back, we would like your company ♪

GROUCHO: (To the ghosts) Token fee? For the pleasure of your company? I think we've paid enough in lost sleep and sanity for the next hundred years.

CHICO: (Looking around nervously) Maybe-a we should've-a brought-a a toll for the ghostly turnpike.

HARPO: (Picks up a coin, tosses it over his shoulder, and makes a face as if expecting something bad to happen.)

GROUCHO: (Slaps his forehead) Harpo, that's for good luck, not to pay the spectral toll! You're going to get us haunted by the Ghost of Broke Comedians.

The brothers continue their exit from the Mausoleum, the Hitchhiking Ghosts still in tow.