#Grian was surprised to see Cleo. so that's what his video shows

[notsogoodangel]

Traffic Series: Who is the best player?

I was watching this video by Eddache in which he investigated who won the Wacky Races, in which he made a point to differentiate who won the most first places AND who is consistently the best player (such as who always came in second place), and I wanted to do the same.

This was very easy because, luckily, the Traffic SMP wiki (which I usually don't like to use) did give me the order of elimination for each season, so I didn't have to go through the last 2 to 3 episodes of every season just to do it. It was just a time saver.

Some disclaimers:

THIS IS NOT ABOUT KILLS, IS ABOUT POSITIONS ON WHO DIES FIRST. Kills require skill, but that is not as necessary as just surviving. Is a survival game after all. Plus there are plenty of graphs that show who has killed the most in a certain season across all seasons.

Originally I wanted to use the Nascar/F1/Mario Kart scoring system since it made the most sense, and is technically what inspired this investigation. The problem is that it doesn't give points after 10th-12th place, which wouldn't work for a game with 14-17 players.

Instead, what I did for the scoring system is that I put the number they placed (ex. Jimmy came in 14th), divided by the number of players in the season, and then divided those numbers by the number of seasons they have played. The reason why is because, for example, Mumbo placed 16th in a season but only played for 2 seasons, his number will be bigger than Jimmy, who has come in last every season and is, objectively, a worse player.

This is still not a perfect system because some players only have played once or twice, so I don't have enough data to truly reflect their average. Although the players who only played once or twice (Mumbo, Lizzie, and Gem), are about where you believe them to be.

Lastly, despite Double Life having pairs dying at the same time, I did give them individual scores. The reason is because there IS a real winner in that season, so I just used the positions they used in the wiki. I don't know why they gave them those positions, but I just used them for simplicity.

There are some ties, but what I did in those cases: I just chose who was on top based on another table I did, but didn't end up using because of the previous Mumbo-Jimmy problem. So, I will just use it as a tied break and fun facts!

ALRIGHT LET'S SEE THE RESULTS!!!!

PEARL IS THE BEST PLAYER!!!! SLAY QUEEN!!!

Here's the results in order:

PearlescentMoon

GeminiTay

Scott Smajor

Martyn Inthelittlewood

GoodTimesWithScar

Grian

impulseSV

RenDog

BdoubleO100

Ethoslab

Joel SmallishBeans

BigB/Bigbst4tz2

ZombieCleo

TangoTek

Skizzleman

Lizzie LDShadowLady

Mumbo Jumbo

Jimmy Solidarity

To be completely honest, I was surprised that Pearl is one of the best players. She is usually someone that people, players, and fans, don't tend to pay much attention to in this aspect. Like, THIS GIRL HAS NEVER BEING IN A PLACE LOWER THAN 4TH.

We know that Scott (3rd) is usually one of the last to survive and is almost a good luck charm for whoever he is allied with, or the players calling Martyn (4th) a survivalist and constantly considered a threat, and both know how to play the game VERY well, but people don't do that with Pearl.

What I was most interested was that middle section because we all knew that Jimmy, Lizzie, Mumbo, and Skizz are the worst players in the entire series. Everyone is very much aware of it, including themselves.

Who could have guessed that Grian is, statistically, a worse player than Scar. Grian and Scar have won once each, but Scar is consistently in 9th place aside from 3rd and Secret, while Grian is all over the place. He sometimes is on 4th, and sometimes he is 10th. Which is the same with Impulse, who he is tied with score-wise.

Fun fact: Etho and Joel, and BigB and Cleo, were tied in the other table that I didn't end up using, and that is reflected here in which all of them are VERY close to each other score-wise. So, if Etho is washed out/bad at PvP, Joel is, and BigB and Cleo are worse about it and shouldn't say anything about it.

Bdubs, Ren, and Tango are so interesting to me, because what do you mean Bdubs is better than half of the server???? How is Tango so bad he is under that big dip (He is 14th with 0.74, and Cleo the 13th is 0.56)!?! HOW DID I FORGET REN WAS 2ND PLACE IN LAST LIFE?!?!?! IS THAT REALLY MY WET PATHETIC DOG OF HERMITCRAFT SEASON 10?!?!

Also, here's the table with every place of every player and how many players were in any given season, for easier understanding:

PS: The winners of every season are the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th best players. It might help their overall average, but not fully because Impulse has the same score as Grian(6th), and has never won a game. As I mentioned, Pearl has never been a placed lower than 4th, and aside from Martyn and Scott hitting 10th and 11th, are always in the top half.

[moth--moss]

Finally watching Grians video so I'm gonna summarize my thoughts for the hermits as it goes! This is gonna be a long one so all the summaries and thoughts below the cut :]

Ren: Absolutely love what he's doing with the Gigacorp stuff and the like, poisoned terrain and all??? Always a fan of ppl making stories and worldbuilding so we love to see it! I'm not watching Ren's pov but I've seen bits and pieces from other povs so its not completely new to me :] Ren's honestly just such a delightful person, love to see him stoppin by other ppls episodes!

Tango: One of my main povs this season, a surprise to nobody, absolutely love all the steampunk and his factory and everything he's got going on. Unsurprisingly he's found a new hole to live out of but who didn't see that one coming lmao. Tango rightfully has a place in my three-way tie for favourite hermit.

Cleo: this is my first time seeing their base this season! And damn what a shame its been this long cause I'm already really invested in the little story shes cookin up. The wizard tower is just,,,,, so cool??? I love the block palette for it! Not to mention all the armour stand work its so so cool, definitely gonna have to set aside time to watch their pov after this cause I desperately want to get the full story now! All of the spaces have character and feel very real with all the armour stand work and everything, definitely a master of her craft o7

Scar: So ive only seen Scars latest episodes and streams, i didnt watch anything before them, so it's like kiiiinda new? But also ive watched all of Grian's so ive seen most of this like, out the corner of my eye the whole time. Scar's builds always have so much story and character you love to see it, there's just so much soul and care behind his builds??? Ajcjdjacjs I got so scared seeing the creeper test tube thing empty I'm used to there bein a lil guy in there. The train is SO cool and scar is just So good at glass work??? The swaggon hat o7 emotionally i never left season 8. Scars one of my favourite hermits so i had a lot to say

Joe: another hermit i dont watch yet love dearly, hes just so much fun. Joe is just insane (/pos) and just so creative and imaginative in such a unique way, holy shit. I really need to watch more of his stuff cause the vibes are truly immaculate. Also as an aside this finally answers to me where Cubs labryinth is cause i had no idea until now lmao. That thing is MASSIVE btw. Joe Hills,,, just the whole scale of this whole thing is totally insane he deserves so much credit for this. I envy his dedication wowww.

Bdubs: Another hermit i dont watch but would love to, and who i see a lot of through other povs. Bdubs is like beyond any other builder in this game, hes like,,, a true artist, yhe way he uses blocks and everything is just ajdnfjwkdkw true art. Hes like painting, not building. Always absolutely blown away by everything he does in this silly block game. He wants to make ppl feel feelings and it DEFINITELY comes through. THERES WAS EVEN NYLIUM ON THE GROUND WHO DOES THAT! OHH and the FRAMING of it all?? The way this man thinks is just art on its own. I could look at bdubs builds forever i swear. Its phenominal. Note: keralis spotted in the storage cave <3 thats my guyyyyy. THE SILOS??? so so pretty. The way he uses thw bottom edge of the polished diorite to make those solid lines through it??? Aghhh its so cool. Blown away with how he makes depth on flat surfaces, its just insane. AND THE GRASS IS HAND PLACED? THE WATERFALLS??? Always lovely to see bdubs builds.

Cub: i know almost nothing abt what Cubs been up to except for the rockets, always lovely to see him showing up in other povs. Lovely to see him messing with sculk again, hes gone feral for it LMAO. All the sculk stuff is so interesting im probably gonna have to check out his videos also cause i am DESPERATE to know wth is going on with this because hes being so so cryptic with it. The rocket factory is just so cool? I love how much ppl can do now with the crafters.crqzy that he pulled the fireworks permit and decided to make it like a main part of his season. Just ALL IN with it. Respectable.

Etho: etho!!! Another of my main povs this season actually, which is new for me cause last time i tried to watch his season he made the shulker storage thing and it broke my brain and i couldnt understand anything. (This time it made sense though). I really love ethos base this season, even if his roof was still unfinished at this point in time lmao. I love his little pond and garden and balcony and all that. Also its not here yet in the tour but i LOVE the lighting work he did around the mailbox its SO good. Also obligqtory frogger is awesome. When the server download goes up at the end of the season there are gonna be SO many games to play o7

Impulse: impy!! We love him so much. Dont watch his episodes but love to see him around :] did not know his city was gonna be a game?? Thats so cool?? The citys already so cool and im so excited to see it finished cause its already looking lovely and i can tell its gonna be really cool all together :] love the lore and all around the city too!

Zedaph: a hermit i watched quite a bit of last season but nothing yet this one, lovely guy always a fun time :] no surprise at all to see hes doing something else fun and silly this season. This really is a season of minigames! This guy is absolutely wild and just so much fun

Pearl: another i havent been watching, to my own sadness as pearl is one of my personal favourite builders on the server! Her whole solarpunk aesthetic this season is just DELIGHTFUL. Another hermit ive been meaning to watch for a while now cause i just love how she does like,,,, everything? I love Pearl builds just so so much. Absolutely love the sunflowers in the floor of her storage (my favourite flower) and all the yellows just in general its just such a bright build and so so lovely. Theres so much character and all the build flows together so so nicely. Also her dye qnd flower shop??? SO nice with all the layering qnd the glass roofs and just how open and fresh it all feelsand qjdjfjsjdsj i just love how pearl builds so much she is KILLING IT this season

Doc: so im currently watching through docs pov and i kiiiinda dont want to be spoiled on any big projects and crazy farms hes planning, so im actually skipping his segment of the tour. Though i will still say doc is absolutely insane and i love all the crazy game breaking stuff he does, i just want to see it all as it happens :] if i do catch up eventually i may circle back to the tour episode later but for now no spoilers!

Skizz: what a delight! Havent seen his episodes but we love skizz so much, such a big heart on that guy and so glad hes here. Love him and all his gift hoarding and hes just so iconic. His big pyramid is all a big psychology metaphor and stuff and thats,, very very cool i didn't know that! Truly a season of minigames i love it!

Mumbo: ive watched some of the early stuff for his season but i had a solid like 6 months where i wasnt really into anything like at all, so i stopped watching after some of the early stuff, though i do plan to get back to his videos sometime because i love what hes doing this season! (Oh noo some of the stuff id written got deleted so i gotta try to rephrase) mumbos been getting so good at building lately and it really does show with his work this season! I absolutely love all his work with the concept art and everything, its my favourite kind of excessive and "unnecessary" worldbuilding that makes a project feel that much more alive.

Joel: I've seen joels first few episodes but dont really watch him much. Hes absolutely incredible in just how much detail he shoves into every little space. His whole base this season just feels so real and its all so intentional and well planned and thought out. His build feels almost like its just been torn out of a real city and dropped straight into minecraft, theres just so much characters and attention to his builds. Just a place i would love to visit and explore. One thing: i mean this in the best way, but his little songs give me the WORST second hand embarrassment its so hard to listen to LMAO thats most of why i have a hard time watching his videos. Hes so cringe and i absolutely LOVE it. Never change, joel

Keralis: remember what i said about my three way tie of favourite hermit?? Keralis firmly holds a place right up there <3 another of my favourite builders and always holding just the most DELIGHTFUL vibes and just the sweetest face on the whole server. Embarrassingly i am... not fully caught up on his episodes, ive only seen up to episode 10. In my defence i only came back to hermitcraft in the last few months so i have a lot to catch up on! Though unlike with doc i have no qualms about spoiling myself because its not like lovely builds from keralis are anything other than my expectations :] Ive only just started his part of the tour but i know im gonna be smiling the whole way through <3 absolutely beautiful base i want to go here for vacation asap and never leave, beautiful trees and booshes and all the little huts, i love it all so so much. Also i would absolutely love a tour where keralis shows every single tree individually you dont even understand i would happily sit there and watch the entire thing <3 keralis why are you so hard to come up with a good design for i swear ill find one eventually hes just such a bug to me. I just want to sit along the side of one of the paths with a nice tropical drink its just so so lovely. If yall let me talk about keralis i will NOT be shutting up any time soon, if this mini essay is anything to go by. While on the topic id like to also talk about his season 9 base becau[character count exceeded, the following 10,319 characters have been archived and removed from this post (/j)] jokes aside, absolutely love everything keralis does, will never not be obsessed with everything he does <3

Xb: you know i gotta love him, just such a sweetheart. I dont watch him but you tend to see a lot of him if you watch a lot of keralis like i do. Absolutely delightful guy and such a sweet face :] love his little modern starter house too. Ive never actually seen his monument base thing but its so impressive. I, too, love prismarine so so much, and the oranges too its all so lovely, one of my favourite minecraft mobs <3 absolutely love his storage too with the guardian aquariums?? Amazing

Grian: another of my main povs! Love how open concept it is this season, how loose hes playing the game and how freely he's been playing it out this season, its been a really fun watch! Absolutely love the vibes of the chamber of sea critters its so atmospheric. Always love a grian build :]

Gem: another hermit whos building style i love yet dont watch sadly. First of all i just love how gem does the bright coloured roofs? Theyre very bright and i love the gradients she used with the moss and bamboo its so pretty. I didnt know her base was based on Dredge! Thats a game ive been meaning to check out and now im just more interested lmao. Gems another hermit who does just so much story with her builds and its all so interesting, definitely another high up on the list of hermits i really want to watch. Also i LOVE her little starter boat, its so cute and simple and so well executed. As well as the lighthouse! Honestly just seeing the collectors house now its gotta be one of my favourites, the colours and shapes and forms just look so nice? Nothing but praise for Gem tbh her builds this season are just lovely o7

Xisuma: we finally get to the 3rd and final hermit in the tie for my favourite! Despite the fact that... i havent watched like any of his episodes this season... i do tend to watch X more from his streams though in my defence, and hes the watchthrough im planning after i finish catching up with doc tbh. Not skipping his though cause ive already seen a lot of his base so theres not much that feels all that much of a spoiler. Plus i cant miss out on any Xisuma content <3 also to mention, i would love to be able to draw X one day but,,, i cant draw armour. One day o7 back to the topic of the tour though! I love the vibes and palette and everything hes going for this season! Its so structural and i just love the aztec inspiration! Its very natural and overgrown and its just amazing and impressive. X is just always just so delightful :] i honestly love his storage too with the walls of shulkers and all the colours and everything, and all the sorting and stuff its so cool. X does just so much impressive, i envy his organization especially. Honestly such a delightful person and i always love tuning into his streams and videos alike, and hopefully i finish my doc binge so i can watch xisumas season 10 episodes finally cause im really looking forwards to them in particular! He definitely doesnt give himself enough credit as a builder (a common theme among some hermits sadly). I love all the farms and stuff! I really want to get more into farming and stuff in general personally cause i love automation in any way i can, ive just yet to learn it for minecraft. The Golia copper machine is so cool?? I remember the big aging machine from i think last season, where it spread all the stuff out and brought them together when it was aged or something? Idk i love copper farms even if they are a little less useful now... x is just so cool and delightful :]

Wels: Tbh i know very little about welsknight, hes a pov i dont watch and one that doesnt really interact with my main povs, but hes a very pleasant individual! i really like his build and can appreciate a man with a distinct aesthetic! the silhouette and shapes of the castle is really nice! its just a very solid base :]

Beef: i dont watch beef personally but i did see quite a bit of him at the start of the season through... a certain unnamed perspective that i watched when the server first started, and also because he does show up through some other povs i watch too! He's a really nice guy and its always lovely when he stops by other povs :] i really do like how hes done his base this season with the big open farm, hes done it well!

Hypno: Another hermit i really dont know well, for similar reasons to welsknight, since he didnt really do a tour theres not as much i can say because i really dont know much of anything about him, to be honest. his base is really cozy though! ive only ever seen his exteriors as people fly past/over his base, but its really cozy and warm! ive always been a fan of pink and brown together in general :]

False: another hermit i dont know all that much, admittedly, but another lovely member of the server, i also dont really know what shes been up to this season, but i really like it! The colours, texturing, and shapes are all really interesting! I love the industrial underbelly, its so interesting and cool! False is actually another hermit i really would like to check out at some point! I love the vibes :] I also love the little hints of lore! the trees and terrain is also very nice! id like to see more of what shes been working on! if any false fans see this feel free to hit me up id love to know more abt her and all that!

Jevin: another hermit i dont know very well but i do see him on some other hermits streams sometimes and he is also a very good vibe when hes around! ive never seen his base before but i really love the enchanted forest! never get enough of those. plus the ambience and sounds are so unsettling and its just so cool. i love the palette and its very interesting! I love how dark and moody it all is, theres a really nice atmosphere to everything hes done so far!

And obviously finally the shopping district, what a lovely mishmash of all the hermits and their building styles and its all so lovely. Absolutely loved this video even though it took me like two whole days to get through. im so excited to watch more of these povs that ive gotten new interest in, not to mention the reminder that im only caught up on one of my three favourite hermits, im really overdue a few proper binges, huh?

If anyone actually did read all of these little blurbs thanks so so much for bearing with me, I know I definitely gave some hermits a little more time to talk about than others, and i feel bad for the first few because i may not have gone in depth about how i felt about them as i may have if theyd been later on, but i dont want to worry about revising all my thoughts on everything, this has already been a massive little project for me to basically journal these thoughts as i watched and i dont have the time to do it all over again lmao.

I love each and every hermit so so much for all they do, and im so glad grian did this mid-season tour so we could get a full look of the server all in one place! its lovely to get to see all the work everyone is putting in and how everything is coming together, i know theres always so much from the seasons before this i watched that i still know next to nothing about, so its really cool to get to look at it all!

Thanks for joinin me for this essay of thoughts and ramblings if you took the time, again i really do appreciate it! lmk what yall thought too im so curious to learn so much more that i may have missed in my watchthrough :]

o/

[single-malt-scotch]

Okay i am on vacation and yes the moment I'm settled now i come here to talk abt how I watched Cleo and Grian's secret life eps on the plane. And I didn't know this or hear it specifically mentioned around ppl i follow (idk who else may have included it in their videos too) but both Grian (I think in his video) and Impulse (in cleo's video) joke about not following the "script", I remember impulse said it in regards to Lizzie dying I think.

Which is amusing as some talks of scripts, improv, etc in regards to mcyt has been on my dash lately. Their commentary this season has regarded the audience pretty directly with how they keep mentioning hall monitors, but these little moments now where they joke about the script brings another layer of awareness they have. It's no surprise they're aware of Jimmy's "curse", that's been pretty blatantly happening by coincidence, but it was also stated in regards to other moments in this season. So the concept that the series is "scripted" as a joke is something i was glad to see. Because like. They know, they get it, and they also know full well this isn't "scripted".... in the real definition, like literal way "scripted" should be interpreted (a tv show with a script, a play, etc). To joke that things went off script/lizzie didn't read a script would say that Jimmy was meant to die and it was planned that way and everyone would have been aware of this because they read a script.

It is a fun tongue in cheek reminder of what that means and also a little jab perhaps at people who for whatever reason would think this is somehow scripted. This isn't a Watcher post btw don't take it as such. I just want to talk meta. i like that the commentators joke about how their improv and coincidental events arent scripted it just happens that way but they poke fun at it too

[astronomical-bagel]

Rating the Hermits based on how much they paid attention to Grian punching the floor

I've become minorly obsessed with the way Grian decided to break the stone blocks at the beginning of the first episode of the season, so here's me trying desperately to see what the everliving fuck he's doing. There's no specific order to this because only the wind can tell which hermit I'm gonna watch next.

uh, also, this post is gonna get long sorry, I did my best to watch every hermit BUT i might have missed some, don't @ me im doing this for fun.

also pls dont let this flop this took ENTIRELY too long

Grian: just as incomprehensibly as he broke the blocks, he incomprehensibly failed to include footage of himself doing so, despite there being quite a bit of arguably important dialogue during that time. 0/10

Cleo: cleo passes over grian multiple times before staring at him for a few seconds as he breaks a block. she seems quietly confused, but moves on. bonus points because he entered the frame a couple times afterward and its REALLY funny to see him breaking the block in the background. 9/10, off to a good start

Tango: camera angles made it easy to see every hermit, i had a great view of grian the entire time. 8/10 loved the birds-eye view

Mumbo: didn't show the intro clip at all, nor did I see him look at Grian in other people's povs. 0/10 i expected better of you mumbo

Iskall: cut a lot of the intro out, stared a mountains a lot, but didn't look at grian. 1/10 at least he showed the intro

Impulse: you can see grian a couple times before he breaks the blocks, as well as a clear shot of him at 1:57 of him in the actual act. 3/10 we got to see him but impulse didn't take note of his odd behavior whatsoever

Scar*: He's the first one to log into the server, but we dont see much of grian until the very end of the reunion clip. However, we do get a closer look at grian than we did with impulse, with a much clearer view. unfortunately, cleo does get in the way, but its very possible that scar noticed what grian was doing. 6/10* he gets extra points for all those times grian killed him + his intro made me laugh

Doc: doc passes over grian quite a few times, even gets close to him at one point. its possible that he noticed his strange activity but simply didnt care. 5/10 its okay i guess

False: we get a good several seconds of grian in the corner of the frame, and at the end of the clip false moves like she's about to inspect what grian is doing. 7/10 im hopeful but we can't prove if she took note of it

Gem: again, we have an overhead camera view of all the hermits! Grian is a bit far away and it's very short, but we have a clear view of him! 6/10

Bdubs: we see grian for about .2 seconds. 2/10 (he gets an extra point because he included a sneeze as a transition in his video, and that is just as, if not more, confusing and incomprehensible as what grian was doing.)

Joe: Joe seems to by trying to look everywhere BUT grian. we see him a grand total of twice. 1/10

Pearl: YESSS!!!!! not only do we see grian multiple times, but Pearl baffedly ZOOMS IN on our dear Grian, providing us a clear view of his actions and highlighting how strange it is!!! 10/10, i have NO complaints

Cub: we get a good view of grian but not while he's breaking blocks. 1/10 he tried

Zedaph: didnt show the intro clip, which is a shame. I think he would've liked to study grian. 0/10

Xisuma: we can see grian breaking blocks for a good few seconds, i have more to say but ill save it till the end. 4/10 with a caveat

Keralis: It looks like those big eyes of his have come in handy!!! we get a delightful view of grian breaking the blocks, though it seems he didn't think to make a note of it. 8/10 im pleasantly surprised

TFC: we. we didn't see anything of grian. 1/10 he gets a point bc he at least showed the intro

Beef: we get a decently close shot of grian breaking the stone for about .5 seconds. Beef pays more attention to a sheep in the forest than anyone else. 3/10 the sheep is really cute

Jevin: Jevin is actually right behind grian as he breaks his first block!! we get a front-row view of grian for a good chunk of time, but jevin either doesn't notice or doesnt care about what he's doing. 8/10

xB: We see grian break a block, as well as him working on his next one a couple other times! 6/10 pretty decent

Wels: didnt show the intro 0/10

Stress: stress is standing farther back to see all of the hermits, so we can see grian in the back jumping up and down and punching the ground. its very cute. also we see a really quick shot of grian closer up at the end of the intro. 5/10 it gave me much joy to see grian hopping up and down

Aaaaand thats it! that's all the hermits who have uploaded season 9 videos!! but wait! I mentioned that xismua had a caveat!! I put asterisks on scar's score!! What was that all about??

Well, as I was watching Xisuma's video, staring at grian like a chameleon would at a fly, I noticed someone come over and investigate Grian closer. Who was it, you ask? Well, as you mightve guessed, it was none other than our beloved Mr. Goodtimes!! But that's not all-- Scar, at 2:42, JOINED Grian in punching the ground! I tried to take a screenshot but there were many nametags in the way. this was the best shot i could get

(additional terrifying bdubs for your viewing pleasure)

I dont know why xisuma is the only hermit who managed to even get a glimpse of scar joining in-- though keralis kiiinda sees scar at 1:20 of his video-- but honestly, after the ungodly amount of time it took to find and document all this, finding out that scar joined in has made my entire day better ajdnfg

Anyways! Final scores for Scar and Xisuma!

Xisuma: 7/10 (docked points because getting a good screenshot was so hard :[ )

Scar: 100000/10, i am kissing him directly on the lips. he understood the assignment even better than i did

[votederpycausemufins]

I said I had another chapter ready. so It's time to post that.

tagging @helleborusangel because they like my writing and @hermitcraftheadcanons since they and their community made the au.

now... with that out of the way, let's recap evo... wait shoot i mean hermitcraft.

“Pixlriffs! Turn on the tv!” Came a voice that followed a door being slammed open.

Pixlriffs turned around in confusion to see Zloy having barged in, panting with his goggles askew. “Zloy? What’s going on?”

“Just turn on the recap channel! Hurry!”

Even more confused, Pixl slowly turned to his tv and turned it on, switching to the channel that showed their recap show. “I thought you didn’t like watching our own shows. It’s not even a regular recap, it’s just going to be a clip show from the livestream. Why are you so-” But he cut himself off. Showing on screen was a countdown to the season eight day one recap. “What? But it hasn’t started. We haven’t recorded anything.”

“I know! I was with a friend and they turned it on and said they didn’t think it had started yet. When I saw the countdown, I ran all the way over here.”

“Do you think they just had a scheduling mistake? We might need to call the broadcasters and have them fix things up.” Pixl suggested, and Zloy shrugged.

“Let’s just make sure that’s the case and see which episode they’re actually showing. For all we know they mixed things up and this is just the season seven, day one.”

“I hope that’s the case.”

The two recapers watched the timer go down. Elsewhere, people were also turned into the episode. Some were pleasantly surprised by the supposed new episode. Others were confused thinking the schedule was wrong. Those who knew the hermits were confused, not having heard the new season was starting yet.

Then finally, the timer reached zero, and a familiar jingle started. And then a voice that was definitely not Pixlriffs spoke the phrase “This week, on Hermitcraft.”

“Wait, what am I doing in the nether? I just joined the world.”

Zloy and Pixl looked at each other at something they had never heard Keralis say. This was a new episode, but one they hadn’t made.

“A new adventure starts in season eight, new places and mobs to explore and see. And also Grumbot and Jrumbot are Hermits now. Welcome to the Hermitcraft recap! The show where no one is where they should be. My name is Toon Noah.”

“I’m Mysterious Goofball, and our writer is Pin Valentine. Today, we’re looking at everyone’s first day on the new season of Hermitcraft.”

The first person, Noah, spoke up again. “In this season, the hermits managed to update all the way to the second half of the caves and cliffs update even though that isn’t possible.” He explained what was going on in this season. “Everyone is scattered across the map and even in other dimensions. Monsters are tough, regen is off, and using chat is out of the question, so surviving is going to be tough.”

“At the very least, they can still respawn, so certain people have chances to escape. Escape what that is? Well, let’s look at what the Hermits have been up to.” Goofball said, sounding so nonchalant about what they were about to talk about.

“Starting with Xisuma, who’s started out in the deep dark. The admin’s helmet has been disabled other than necessary functions. His visor also gives him a little bit of light, so he’s not completely blind. Plus the fact that sculks are bioluminescent. But the warden is too, which has been able to find him a number of times.”

“Also in the caves in Jevin,-” Goofball spoke up again. “-who’s found himself in some lush caves. He’s got glowberries for light and food and the axolotls are pretty friendly. Plus, with enough searching, he was able to find a bit of wood for simple tools.”

“Speaking of wood. Some of the hermits have found themselves in the jungle.” Noah quickly commented before some audio from one of the hermits played along with its clip.

“Helloooo? Anyone around? Impulse? Tango? Hey is that Grian? Nope, just a parrot. Ugh, and here I am without any seeds.”

Goofball spoke up again when the audio finished. “Both Zedaph and Tango are in the same jungle, but the size of the biome as well as the amount of foliage means they haven’t found each other yet. Tango at the very least has started mining, and Zedaph managed to find a jungle temple and has already started on using the redstone from there for a melon farm.”

“How do you even make a farm out of that?”

“It’s Zedaph, what do you expect?”

“Well, as for the last of team ZIT, Impulse had found himself in the middle of a sea temple.” Noah spoke, as the video showed Impulse dealing with being underwater in such a place. “Between drowning and guardians, he hasn’t gotten that far away from his spawn.”

“In other aquatic news-” Goofball said, another clip from the hermits playing.

“If I never see coral again, it’ll be too- wait, is that False? False!”

“-Stress and False are also nearby to each other, both spawning in coral reefs. False was the first to escape, needing to just swim out of her spawn.”

“On the other hand, Stress was completely encased in coral and had to slowly chip herself out of the colorful prison. But by the evening, Stress was able to get to the surface and join False and an island, chopping down trees. They even started a wheat farm. But here’s hoping they don’t have to deal with drowned.”

“While she isn’t a drowned,” Goofball continued from Noah’s comment. “Zombie Cleo started out in a village. Normally, that would be pretty good, but being a zombie…”

“Leave me alone! I’m not going ta kill any villagers! I’m a zombie but I’m not that kind of zombie!”

“She’s been having an issue with the resident iron golem. With a bit of luck, she managed to hole herself up in a house which the golem isn’t going to destroy, but the villagers aren’t the happiest about it.”

Then Noah took over speaking. “From villagers to illagers, Mumbo Jumbo found himself alone in a woodland mansion, making himself the furthest hermit in the overworld.”

“Come on. Almost. Almost!” The video showed Mumbo running before he was killed by a vindicator. “Oh come on!”

After that, Noah continued. “He’s tried and failed many times to try and get out of the mansion, but eventually just started breaking the walls for tools.”

“The illagers aren’t really happy about it, but not like he’ll be going far, so I don’t think he’ll easily lose those tools.”

“Well at least he’s got supplies.” The video transitioned to a mountain top with three figures standing at the peak. “Grian, as well as new hermits Grum and Jrum are currently stuck on the top of a mountain, surrounded by powder snow. It’s pretty lucky that the three of them stuck together.”

“I’m not so sure of that.” Goofball spoke up, sounding a bit frustrated or annoyed. “While Grian tried to fly down for supplies to little success, other than fall damage, he hasn’t managed to die, using some sort of magic.”

“But it looks like the fall damage came in handy for Doc, who’s further down the mountain. He’s having a bit of trouble surrounded by goats, plenty of them being the screaming variety.”

Goofball spoke again, no longer sounding as annoyed. “Yeah, but while hanging out with them, he heard a different kind of scream and did something pretty smart.”

“Wait, what was- is someone close by? It sounded like someone just- wait! The death messages!” He pulled out his communicator and read the messages. “Grian died to fall damage! Grian’s up there!”

“I guess he is the scientist of the group.” Noah spoke, the grin he had on his face audible in his voice. “It makes sense he would be the one to figure things out. But even then, he still can’t easily get down the mountain himself with all the goats messing him up. My guess is he’s really regretting being the goat father last season.”

“Doc isn’t the only one getting familiar with the new wildlife though. Hypno has found himself in a large flower forest that has plenty of mooblooms. He hasn’t been able to kill any of them yet, and there’s only flowers and no grass for him to get seeds from, so while the place seems like it should be easy to survive in, it’s really the opposite.”

“The best idea he’s had so far is following some bees to find their nest and hopefully a tree attached to it. If only he knew he was actually really close to spawn, being the closest to it.”

Goofball took control of the conversation again “Well, that’s not entirely true as three hermits managed to appear at spawn, those three being Joe Hills, VintageBeef, and Etho.” And the three hermits were shown in what looked much more normal than everything else that had been shown so far. “The three of them pretty quickly figured out something was wrong and started to make spawn a safe place, also gathering supplies so they can eventually find the other hermits.”

“Except Etho got a bit ahead of himself.” Noah cut in. “He had a bad run in with some mobs and ended up dying, finding out his respawn is a bit different than others. But at the very least, he managed to find Ren.”

“Ren spawned on a cliff of a ravine. There’s no water at the bottom, and all the blocks in reach are stone, so it’s not the easiest to escape from. Still, with little else to do, Ren started slowly chipping away at the stone to escape the ravine, only to fall when Etho surprised him by suddenly respawning there.”

“Okay, I got through two more pieces of stone. At this rate, I can probably get to dirt before the sun is setting so- Etho- ooooooh!”

“At the very least Ren is respawning just fine,” Noah explained “So the two of them were able to help Ren escape the ravine, so he’s the third person to escape his spawn area.”

“Well, that’s not entirely true.” Goofball started to correct. “Before Etho helped Ren and even before Stress escaped her coral prison, Cub actually escaped the mesa mineshaft he spawned in. It was a little tricky with the cave spiders spawning, but he lucked out with the loot of a chest and was able to get a crafting table and pickaxe out of it.” Cub had found some iron, torches, a few seeds, some bread, and then used the wood of the mineshaft to get him on his feet in terms of survival. “With a few respawns, he took out the spiders and their spawner. He’s able to move around freely, but not wanting to respawn again, his hearts are a bit low, so he’s staying near the mineshaft for shelter.”

“Then, sort of nearby the mesa of course, is the desert, where the last two overworld hermits are.” Noah said, and there was the slightest ruffle of papers, like he was checking a script. “Both XB and Iskall are stuck in the same large desert, trying to find some source of food, water and wood. So far, the best they’ve found are the sticks from dead bushes. Out of the two, XB is doing a bit better since he’s found a cave for some sort of shelter, but Iskall’s much worse off,the sand messing with his one eye.”

“Between the heat, the sand, and my eye, I can’t even tell what’s real anymore. That cactus could be a tree or a town or- nope! It’s actually a creeper!”

And then Noah continued with a transition. “Getting even hotter now, let’s look at the nether. There’s only two hermits there right now, with different struggles to deal with.”

“Keralis is the first and lucked out a bit, landing himself in a warped forest right near a basalt delta, meaning he’s got up to stone tools. Plus, since nether gold ore can be mined with wood tools or better, he’s also got some gold boots to help with any piglins.”

“On the other hand, Welsknight is in a much worse situation. He spawned in a crimson forest and is having plenty of trouble with the hoglins.” And that was emphasized by a clip of Wels being killed by one of the mobs. “He hasn’t gotten too much wood before dying, but at the very least, he secured his spawn just enough he has some room to breathe. And hey, if he makes it out of there, he’s got a fortress nearby. But now to end this off, let’s head to the end.”

“TinfoilChef, or TFC is on the main end island, spawning on an obsidian platform just a few blocks from the edge of the island.” Goofball spoke. “It’s close enough for him to jump, but he still takes fall damage and has to deal with the ender dragon after that.”

“Not to mention the endermen too, which Scar is also having trouble with. He’s stuck on a smallish end island out in the further reaches of the end. There’s an end city nearby, but he doesn’t really have the means to get there. At the very least he’s got food from the chorus plants, but that won’t help too terribly much.”

“And lastly, there’s BdoubleO, who we’ve- who’s been lucky to not die so far being in a special situation.” Though they hadn’t been saying much, both Pixlriffs and Zloy noticed the slight slip up Goofball gave. “He’s currently looping in the end void, teleporting up to the top when he finally gets too low. There’s nothing in sight for him to know that though, so he thinks he’s just falling deeper and deeper. But hopefully he’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Well, that’s everyone, so that pretty much does it for this episode of Ev- Hermitcraft Recap. I was Toon Noah-”

“And I was Mysterious Goofball and our writer was Pin Valentine. If you’d like to see original content made by us, you can find us if you already know where to look.”

“Don’t forget to give this show a good rating and tune in next week for the next episode of Hermitcraft Recap. Thank you all so much for watching and good-Bye~!”

Finally, the screen turned black, signalling the end of the episode. The whole time, Pixl and Zloy had just sat there in shock, watching the episode and not saying anything. The thought of their show being taken over by some new people was scary enough, but the situations the Hermits were now in was so much worse.

Zloy was the first to move, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He had felt it going off during the episode, but had been too stunned to do anything. Apparently, he had missed multiple calls and texts about what had happened with the episode, who had been put in charge, what was with the hermits, and more related to the whole situation.

“We need to see someone about this.” Pixlriffs said, in a similar situation with looking at his phone. “Make sure people know we have no connection to this and hopefully also see if the studio knows who recorded this. I would also like to say that this is all fake, but…”

“Yeah, that footage looked way too real. I think the Hermits are actually in a lot of trouble right now.”

“Then let’s do something about it.”