#God they don't have to make such a big DEAL of it. Dipper's not a miscreant. He was doing what was RIGHT

[tswwwit]

I imagine being raised by Stan results in some pretty "I don't associate with cops" views.

It sure does!

[jheselbraum]

can we talk about the apprenticeship again? i wanna talk about the apprenticeship again (people online are scaring me bringing back the "ford didn't really care about dipper/his family/placed them below his Greater Good" discourse again ☹️ feels like we need a refresher)

The apprenticeship was about Ford wanting a friend and buddy! It was about Ford reaching out to his family the only way he knew how! The second he and Stan were on good terms again he immediately wanted to spend time with him. The apprenticeship was Ford wanting to spend more time with his family because he doesn't think anyone will want to spend time with him without some sort of scientific endeavor to catch their fancy, and while I always thought that if Mabel had simply asked to stay too Ford would've said yes after reading tbob I am firmly convinced that if Mabel asked to also stay in Gravity Falls with him he would've started crying. And this whole "catch their fancy with an apprenticeship instead of just asking them to hang out" thing carries over to Stan where he asks Stan to go with him to fucking Antarctica to dig up Time Baby or whatever the fuck, when what he actually wants is to just finally go on the damn boat trip with Stan!

The only thing particularly wrong with the apprenticeship offer is that while it's Ford's way of reaching out, because of who he offered it to and when it would effectively mean passing on his tendency to close himself off to Dipper, Mabel, and Stan, as each of them would be alone. This effect is reversed when Ford offers the same deal to Stan, who at the end of summer would otherwise be returning to his lonely life before he met the kids, so now at the end of summer neither Dipper and Mabel nor Stan and Ford are alone. It's weird to hold that against him since that's how conflict in a story works and the payoff of Ford wanting to go travel the world with Stan at last is weaker if we weren't presented with the first option of Ford wanting to remain in the basement with Dipper cataloging mushroom samples forever.

And at the end of tbob, Dipper, Mabel, and Stan are so fucking supportive of Ford, literally laughing off his worries about his biggest insecurity (in a positive way). They don't care that he made a deal with Bill, they don't care how much he fumbled Fiddleford, they don't care about the fucking apprenticeship! They love him and they're glad he's okay!

The solution to Ford's problems, past and present, has always been reaching out. The correct action for Ford to take, whether or not he takes it, has always been reaching out.

Ford didn't reach out when Stan was kicked out. He didn't reach out when Fiddleford left the project. He only reached out to Stan when he realized Bill's abuse and manipulation when things got truly dire, life threatening, not just to himself but when Bill made it clear that he could and would hurt the people Ford cared about, too, at least emotionally. And then finally after a lifetime of closing himself off and putting up walls, he actually honest to goodness reaches out to his family (or rather, they reach out to him) and it wouldn't make any sense if building and maintaining those connections didn't finally pay off for Ford. His life is better for having formed those connections! The Pines' lives are better for having those connections as well! Stan has his brother, his twin! Dipper has a mentor figure who shares his love of mysteries! Mabel has a companion who fosters her outgoing spirit and shares her creative interests! One of the show's big themes is family, why are we acting like Dipper and Mabel should reject a member of their family who, like Stan, is a gruff old bastard who's made his share of mistakes but god damnit if those kids aren't the light of his life?

[felldragon]

seofon and the big dipper 🌠

let's talk about seofon and the big dipper, because there's some really neat symbolism tucked away!!!

starting with some basics. what's the big dipper? it's an asterism, which is basically a group of stars that are NOT a constellation. however, the big dipper is inside of a constellation, aka the ursa major!!!

there are technically eight stars inside of it, but only seven are relevant for seofon, since his whole deal is the number seven. the seven brightest stars correspond to his seven-star avatars. they are as follows: dubhe, merak, phecda, megrez, alioth, mizar, and alkaid.

a neat tie in is that the avatars recite the greek letter that refers to their bayer designation (the order of which stars appear!).

this is usually from brightest to least brightest, although funnily enough, the big dipper does not follow this rule! for example, dubhe comes first, but it's actually the second brighest. the rule it follows is based off of visual order instead, bowl -> handle)

now, i said there were eight stars, but only seven are mentioned in seofon's lore. this is because alcor is a binary star system with mizar. it's fainter and thus does not get a bayer designation.

it does however, have a flamsteed designation! this involves numbers instead of greek letters, but it's pretty similar otherwise!

seofon uses an attack called carro magnifico, with carro being chariot. magnifico is magnificent, or in other words, grand. grand chariot is the name of his raid theme!

from the top of my head, i can say that the big dipper is referred to as a chariot in french, spanish, norwegian, and chinese.

taosim and buddhism also have personified versions of the big dipper, which have associations with chariots.

the chariot is controlled by an emperor, or leader (although depending on the culture sometimes it's a god instead). it's said that the big dipper is known for guiding people, does that ring any bells? reminds me of a certain sword guy…

the big dipper is also commonly associated with death, believe it or not! the handle can be interpreted as mourning maidens, while the bowl is a bier. alkaid's name ties in with this.

alkaid is the apparent leader of the seven-star avatars, and alkaid's name derives from a phrase that boils down to "the leader of the daughters of the mourners", which adds up to its role!

a little disclaimer, i'm not an expert on chinese mythos, so apologies if this next part is rough!!

the big dipper is also known as beidou, and you can find engravings or decorations relating to it on swords, who would've thought! they're even called "seven stars jian", aka the straightsword.

the dipper is known to represent both good and evil. this relates to how life is more tied to the southern dipper (located in sagittarius), and death of course to the northern dipper, aka the big dipper.

in a way, this reminds me of seofon and his other self. they're made of the same cloth, but they also are complete opposites. crazy isn't it?

i feel like you could also make connections with the big dipper's associations with safe passage + heaven to estalucia aka the boundary. but unfortunately there's still too little that we actually know about estalucia… oh well! still food for thought.

i will also note that the saptarshi (seven sages from hinduism) are closely tied to the asterism as well! each star represents one of the sages, and to me, that really fits the vibes of the seven-star avatars being the deities of the blade and whatnot.

the big dipper is the most iconic constellation in the northern hemisphere. seofon even talks about how everyone loves the big dipper when he uses his fourth skill, seven star's brilliance (take a guess what is pictured as the skill icon).

there's probably more i could say, but i don't want to overwhelm or bore anyone. hope you learnt something new! thanks for reading! 🌟

[penname-artist]

Excuse me while I vomit fantasy AU plans I can literally never commit to because [redacted redacted redacted redacted re]

Living in a world overrun with fantasy creatures, but that's just normal. There's no clear segregation and there's no clear war of discrimination (yet or that we know of) but there just. Are creatures. Everywhere. Support your local centaur blacksmith today.

(No but seriously I am fucking wholistically obsessed with centaurs and if given the chance I will run rampant with them, don't bring them near me I WILL start gnawing on horse person AU plans specifically-)

Modern fantasy??? Like we still have royalty and knights and castles and shit but ALSO it's the 21st century and nobody goes to war anymore this is all just for pagentry because the internet loves aesthetics (and the royal family is usually just a bunch of fame-hungry streamers, let's be honest with ourselves)

Nick. As royalty. Fucking sends me. Fuck you I will have my foolish horny rich prince however I want. He spends all day thinking about how pretty he is, he has no alternative thoughts, except maybe looking at other pretty people and going "I would fuck that" or "I would let that fuck me" etc etc

WORLD OF CARS ROYALTY AU THOUGH????????? LIKE- a royal family made up of helicopters. Castles designed for all manor of vehicles. Shipyards and harbors become commonplace for large gatherings. Fancy clothing translated as detailed liveries. VEHICLE KNIGHTS. WHY ARE WE FUCKING SLEEPING ON THIS IDEA GUYS, WE COULD RULE THE WORLD WITH THIS SHIT

Magic is very fun, imo, and we need more of it. But not like more normal magic, I want like cool weird magic. I want magic rules that haven't been used a hundred million times over. Maybe some people can wander through wormholes. Maybe some people can, idk. Burn bread. I'm rambling but the point is magic

Apollo totally needs to be a naga / snake person in a fantasy AU at all times. He would have some Kaa or Cheshire Cat vibes (let's not connect the dots to that with some of the fics I've written in the past) but also he would just be extremely sassy and fashionable like that.

Help I accidentally made a whole folklore story about two gods that exist and rule (indirectly) over a fantasy realm and now this idea lives in my head rent free and I literally can't get it out. Every time I grab it Nick goes "think again bitch!" and starts skipping around and laughing evilly while evading my every attempt to WordsTM

Funny story I've attempted to tie together a WoC universe fantasy AU THREE TIMES NOW and - again - it lives in my head rent-free and evading authorities. I will smite this bastard, you watch. it's going to happen. I will force it to sit in a chair and exist to spite itself.

Other combo-deal AUs I have slept on if not slightly dabbled with: royalty AU but they're mermaids and shit; royalty AU but they're bird people and shit; royalty AU but it's an excuse to write another sappy Blade/Nick story because fuck you I said so and shit

Windlifter being royalty also but in secret but also we kinda always knew (it's totally canon you guys)

I will not be questioned on this, Cabbie is a goddamn centaur, period. No refunds. He grumpy he sleppy HE TAKE BIG STEPPY. (excuse for the Smokejumpers to ride in a wagon behind him and do The Skyrim BitTM on the regular) Also Dipper because...because.

Dusty gives me "normal guy on the surface, absolutely cursed monster demon spawn entity trying to be silenced" vibes

Maru = Eda the Owl Lady. Fuck your society I will be a witch however I please!!

Hi do you accept pirates because that guy in the grey with the 81 over there, yeah that's a pirate now and he's supposed to be getting his own Our Flag Means Death crossover ONE OF THESE FUCKING DAYS

I don't care what Blade is as long as it's aesthetically pleasing. A king, a prince, a knight in shining armor, an outcast sorcerer, a cursed deity, literally a plot device I DON'T CARE MAKE HIM LOOK SEXY IN ARMOR AND WE'RE GOOD

I think I'm done for now thank you for listening to my rant, these will never be finished unless they are when I stop psyching myself out of doing it because it's always a big project, have a good one

[golden--doodler]

This is such a random post but I had to share this idea that got into my head and won't get out. I highkey wanted to draw it into an entire comic, but I don't have the energy for that at the moment.

I have a Gravity Falls OC named Maggie (she's Dipper and Mabel's triplet sister and a Cis Lesbian) and in the episode Carpet Diem where they switch bodies, I was planning on having Maggie go into Mabel's body and Dipper go into Maggie's. And I rewrote the entire scene in my head where Grunkle Stan tells Mabel about the birds and the bees without knowing it's really Mabel, instead having Dipper hear about it instead. Here's how it would play out in my canon:

Grunkle Stan: Hey, how's it--oh. Maggie? What're you doing?

Dipper: Uh, nothing. I wasn't... oh, I just realized I had somewhere to be--

Grunkle Stan: But why are you spying on these girls? I thought this would be something your brother would do... Oh. Oh. <Pauses for a moment> Huh.

Dipper: <Starts sweating nervously> You're kind of making me uncomfortable.

Grunkle Stan: I had no idea. Really not equipped for this sort of talk. Well, it's not a big deal. I guess I can't blame you, ladies are pretty great. And if you like 'em, I guess you are at that creepy age where you would spy on 'em.

Dipper: What? No, I'm not being creepy. It's not what it looked like, I promise.

Grunkle Stan: It's okay. I won't judge. Guess it's time we had a talk, you and me. About the birds and the bees. But, uh... more fitting for you.

Dipper: <Concerned as the reality of the situation finally dawns on him> Oh God. Oh no. Grunkle Stan, please.

Grunkle Stan: <Sighs> I'm really not equipped for this like I said, but someone needs to help you out. Tell you about this stuff. Your school's not going to tell you what it'll be like being with a girl.

Dipper: Come on, I really don't--Wait, it won't? Wow, that's kind of messed up. Wait, nooooooooooooo!

And Grunkle Stan proceeds to tell Dipper about the birds and the bees. Lesbian edition. He wishes he could forget everything he saw. But, he decides it'll be useful information to tell Maggie when they're older, so he just buries it in the back of his mind for now.

[itsthemysterykids]

How about… South Park Quotes?

Wybie: Oh my God! They killed Norman!

Dipper: You bastards!

—

Neil: Norman’s dad... He's a big, fat, fuckin' BIIIIIIIIITCH! Who's a fuckin' bitch? Norman’s Daaaaaaaaaaad! Yeah!…

Mystery Kids: …

Neil: What? *Notices Norman’s dad standing behind him* Oh fuck.

—

Wybie: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

—

Coraline: Oh my God, we killed Norman.

Dipper: We killed Norman?

Coraline: We killed Norman, we’re bastards.

—

Neil: Don't call me fat, you fucking jerk!

Ford: Neil, did you just say the F-word?

Neil: … Jerk?

Coraline: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking shit!

Ford: Coraline!

Lili: Why the fuck not?

Ford: Lili!

Dipper: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Ford: Dipper!

Wybie: Fuck!

Ford: Wybie!

Raz: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Ford: How would you like to go see the school counselor?!

Raz: How would you like to suck my balls?

*The whole class gasps*

Ford: What did you say?!

Raz: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was... *He picks up a megaphone* HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. PINES?

*Ford is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth*

Norman: Holy shit, dude.

—

Neil: You guys never help me! Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out!

—

News Anchor: Just answer me this, Neil: what do you see as positive for toddler murder?

Neil: Ah! Uh... it's... it's easy.

News Anchor: Yes... it is easy.

—

Mabel: All I want are my friends!

Raz: Dude, that’s so sweet.

Mabel: Except for Raz, you can keep him.

Raz: Hey!

—

Wybie: Gramma!

Lucille: What?

Wybie: The metaphors, man!

Lucille: Oh, sorry.

—

Dipper: Well, how about we just say, "corporates should be stopped"?

Norman: How do we stretch that into five minutes?

Wybie: They're taking my underpants!

Dipper: Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, Wybes?! We have to work here!

Wybie: *points at the gnomes* Aaahh!

Norman: *Sees the gnomes* What the hell?

Raz: Well, I'll be damned.

—

Norman: Nobody's stopping Bill Cipher now! All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood pooling from your neck.

Lili: Whoa. This guy is so goth.

—

Kubo: Hey dudes. *the Mystery Boys look and see Kubo walking with Wirt, Greg, and Eggs*

Raz: Hey Kubo.

Kubo: You guys look pretty gay.

Neil: Thanks.

Kubo: Not as gay as us, though!

Raz: Oh, please Kubo, we're ten times gayer than you!

Kubo: Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay!

Raz: Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!

—

Kubo: Dude! W-what are you doing?

Eggs: I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.

Wybie: HA! Told you you guys were straight!

Kubo: We're not straight! You're straight!

Wybie/Norman/Neil/Dipper/Raz: You're straight!

Wirt: You're straight like a freeway!

Ford: What the hell is going on??

Kubo: You wish you were gay, Wybie! In you dreams!!

Wybie: I'm full-on Pansexual!

Kubo: ...So? I'm half bisexual!

Ford: Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Kubo, you're not half-bi!!

Kubo: I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.

Ford: WHAT??

—

Will Smith: We'll give you a million dollars.

Wybie: Oh, hell yes! *Joins the Million Millionaire March* I shall persevere!

Millionaire protesters: We shall persevere! We shall persevere!

—

Lili: What's going on?

Raz: Well, Lili, apparently Neil is gay, finds me very attractive, and, confused about his sexual identity, puked up all over my floor.

Lili: Oh dear.

Raz: Yes.

—

Worker: Alright now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by his parents.

Coraline: Yes. They called him an emo.

Worker: What's wrong with that?

Coraline: Emos suck! They're vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!

Worker: So, why do you think they called her that?

Coraline: Because Norman’s Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!

Worker: What is the difference?

Wybie: Oh my God! They're totally different!

Worker: Okay, different how?

Wybie: They're, uhm, you know, one is good and- and emos are horrible! *flips hair* They're, you know... They're posers!

Neil: Emos suck my Goth balls.

Coraline: Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.

Worker: That's not much of a difference.

Wybie: That's a huge fucking difference!

Coraline: Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.

Wybie: This fuckin' asshole, man.

Coraline: But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide.

Wybie: Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emo's is cynical.

Coraline: Wait, I thought we were cynical. ...Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Wybie: No, see, you're nihilistic.

Coraline: Oh yeah, you're right

—

Wybie: Awww, Hot Topic?! When did this open?!

Mabel: Two weeks ago. It used to be a Banana Republic.

Coraline: Of course. Freaking Hot Topic. That explains everything.

Wybie: How did we not figure that out? Of course a new Hot Topic must have come to town. Duh!

Norman: Well, I think we all know what has to be done.

Coraline: Yup

—

Neil: Guys! Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet!

—

Norman: He's not just a normal guinea pig. He belongs to me and my ex-boyfriend. That's right Super Norman is gay

—

Wybie: This is fun. Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle. It just keeps getting better and better.

Lili: You know what, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Wybie!

Neil: Yeah!

Lili: Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time!

[bluebird167]

The Sinners and Their Saints Chapter 22: The Search Part 1

That attack had left the organization greatly damaged. Solomon was treating victims who had been bitten by the vampires, Frida was healing Manny's wounds along with the wounds of the injured, as for Steven he just wanted to be alone. He sat alone in his room, blaming himself for what had happened. 

It turns out there never was any recruit. Kevin was a vampire spy of Jasper who had hypnotized the Romanian organization to call Solomon and tell him that a recruit was coming. He then killed a human and inhabited it's dead body so he could walk around during the day without being destroyed by sunlight. His mission was to use that body to find the praying bat and spy on Steven but when he found that he couldn't find it he decided to try a different approach. Kidnap one of their allies and threaten their lives. But that also served as a problem because no one not even Steven knew what the praying bat was let alone where it could be.

Dipper being very smart and good with books decided to go to the library and get as much information about the praying bat as possible. He was theere for hours finding one dead end after another.

"Hey." Pacifica said, she placed a mug and a box on his desk. "I brought coffee and doughnuts."

"Thanks." He grabbed the mug and opened the box. He was just about to help himself when he stopped and looked at her suspiciously. "Okay what's going on."

"What?"

"That was pretty nice of you to give me this. Did you put something in this coffee and doughnuts?"

"No."

"Alright what do you want?"

"What makes you think I want something? Can't I be nice?"

"You once kicked a kitten."

"Alright I kind of wanted to make sure that you wouldn't squeal on me about my confession."

"Hmm." He said sipping his coffee. "I don't know."

"Look I know you think it's no big deal but if my father or anyone else finds out I'm not a virgin anymore I am dead. Do you hear me? Dead and buried."

"Oh come on lots of girls nowadays lose their virginity before marriage. They're called prostitutes." 

"Yeah and they're poor people who live on the streets so people expect that by I'm a Northwest. A woman of class, if people found out I wasn't virgin it would ruin my father's image and if his image is ruined then he'll ruin me."

"What do you mean?"

"You saw him that night when he slapped me didn't you? He did that just because I told him you guys might take awhile with getting your job done. Imagine what he would do to me if he or God forbid the public knew I was....Well....Unclean."

"I'm guessing pretty bad? But I'm sure he won't kill you, I mean he's your father right?"

"I wanna show you something, come with me." 

She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the nearest closet. She locked the door, turned on the lights, and began to undo her dress.

"Now wait a minute I may be an animal but I'm not that wild."

"Shut up you idiot! I'm not trying to seduce you! I just want you to see something." 

She turned around and continued to undo her dress. It fell to the floor leaving her in just a corset pantaloons. Dipper blushed at first but his embarrassment soon became horror when he saw scars, bruises, and cuts all the way down her back and legs. He had never seen anything so horrible in all his life.

"Did...Did your father do this to you?"

She kept still and quiet for a long time before she started speaking again. 

"All parents have their own way of discipling their kids. My father's was his cane and his belt. Three weeks ago the mayor's son asked me to dinner, I told him no and my father beat me with his cane, when I was twelve I told a man that my parents had lied about going to a charity event and he turned out to be a reporter so my father beat me with his belt, and then when I was five I spilled tea on an expensive carpet he bought."

She turned forward and showed him a large, blood red, scorching, burn mark on her chest.

"So he burned my chest with hot coals and then had me buried alive in the yard. Said he would have me dug out when I would stop my stupid crying. As for my mother she just stood there and watched while she was drinking her damn wine." 

Dipper was speechless. He knew the Northwests could be cruel but he never imagined they would do something like this to their own daughter. That wasn't cruel, that was evil. He watched her turn around and start to put her dress back on. He slowly raised his hand up and used it to gently touch her back. She tensed and turned around.

"Sorry." He said. "I just-"

"I don't need your pity, it's my own fault for causing so much trouble. All parents punish their kids when they make mistakes."

"Not like that. Mine didn't."

"Well yours must've been very permissive. Look I wasn't trying to get any sympathy okay I only wanted to make it clear to you that no one can know about my confession in church okay? So don't tell."

"Alright I won't."

"Good now let's get out of here before someone gets the wrong idea."

They left the closet and went back to the library. Dipper couldn't help but think about those scars and marks, he couldn't imagine someone doing stuff like that to their own child. No wonder this girl was so mean and stuck up, her family had basically beaten whatever goodness she had out of her.

"Any luck on the whole bat thing?" She asked.

"No and I've spent nearly the whole night trying to figure out what on earth this praying bat their talking about is and so far I've got nothing. I've read nearly every book about bats in this library and not one of them have provided any information about what we're looking for."

"Well maybe it's not a bat. Maybe it's something else."

"It's called the praying bat, what else could be?"

"Well it has the word praying in it's name right? So maybe it's an idol or something."

"An idol?"

"Yeah some people worshiped idols, little statues of animals made from rock. I learned about it from my tutor."

"Idol..Hmmm....I think you might be on to something. Quick help me gather up all the books on false gods, myths,  and idols."

They began pulling out those exact books and began reading through them. And by they reading them I mean Dipper. It took him awhile but soon he found one book with a page about the praying bat. Once they had the information they needed they checked out the book and went back to the Van Helsing Organization to tell them what they found out.

"According to this book the praying bat is a stone idol used to protect all vampires from spells and curses but only during the night of a full moon." He explained.

"So that's why they want it before the full moon." Solomon said.

"But what do they want it for?" Frida asked.

"It doesn't matter." Steven said. "What does matter is we need to know where it is. Dipper does that book tell us where we can find it?"

"No but Kevin seems to think you have it."

"But I don't."

"Well your mother took it so she must've hidden it somewhere."

"Well I don't know where she put it. She died when I was born and my father never mentioned that to me."

"There maybe one way we can find out where it is." Solomon said. "Imps."

"Imps?" Manny said.

"Pesky little creatures who are notorious gossips, con artists, and tricksters. Some times they'll pretend to be gods or demons just mess with ignorant humans, if there's anyone who knows where we can find an idol or information on one it's them. Here's a picture."

He opened a book and showed them a little green creature with red eyes.

"Hey boys is it my imagination or does that little creep seem familiar?" Manny said.

"Yeah it's Zim!" Steven pointed. "Hey Zim told me earlier that he's been working with Jasper maybe he knows something."

"Where do we find these imps?" Dipper asked.

"Try the imp's market, the closest one is hidden underneath a bridge near here, some imps will disguise themselves as humans so you'll need these." Solomon pulled out some goggles. "These goggles are made with a special lens that allows you to see things as they really are."

"Fascinating." Dipper said observing them. "Hey there's only three?"

"Sorry they're difficult to build especially when getting the right lens."

The five teens drove down to the nearest bridge  As if luck was on their side, with in five minutes an old lady carrying a cat and a dog in two different cages came under the bridge. Well it looked like an old lady but with the goggles Manny, Steven, and Dipper saw it was hideous, drooling, snotty, imp.

"Uh sick!"Manny said.

"Ugh revolting!" Dipper said.

"Eww!" Steven said.

"What is it? Let me see." Frida said.

"Oh trust me sweetie you don't wanna see this." Steven said.

"Dipper, what the hell are we looking at?" Manny asked.

"I believe it's an imp, by my calculations it weights 200 pounds, female, and judging by the dry skin and dripping bags of flesh she's elderly." Dipper explained.

"That's a she?" Steven said in surprise. "I've seen men prettier."

They watched her open one of the cages, grab the cat, and lick her lips.

"Oh crap she's gonna eat the cat!" Manny gasped.

"Keep quiet, if you scare her off we'll never get inside." Dipper whispered.

"But she's gonna eat the cat."

"So? "

"It's a cat! You're not supposed to eat cats!"

"The Chinese do."

"Then they're sick! I can't! I can't let this happen!"

"Manny it's just a cat!"

"A quarter of my family are related to cats!"

"You'll blow our cover!"

"But-"

"You can't! We need to follow her and find out if we-"

"Oh screw this! Hey!" Manny called out causing the old woman to freeze. "Lucy! I'm home!"

She dropped the cat and turned around to give Manny her best smile.

"Hello young man can I help you?" She said sweetly.

"Give it up nasty we can see ya."

"You see me?"

"We know you're a dirty imp."

"How?! How do you see me?!"

"None of your business, listen can you do us a favor and take us to the imp market?"

"Come any closer and I'll rip your heart out!"

"Now madame let's not get violent." Dipper said. "I'm sure that we can come to an agreement about-"

WACK!

She hit him on the head with a cane.

"Ow!"

"Beat it! The both of you! Or I'll tear out your throats!"

"Okay I tried to be nice, now it's the hard way." 

"Boys time for plan b." Manny said.

 They took off their goggles and gazed at her with their dark and frightening eyes, and bared their fangs. She saw the fires of hell, demons, screeching bats, blood, wolves, bones, and many other frighting things. The she imp froze in terror.

 "Now let's try this again." Dipper asked. "Madame would you kindly take us to the market?"

 "Ri...Right this way." She pointed a terrified finger over to the bridge wall and handed Steven some chalk. "Draw a door and knock."

[donutpwns]

Journey to the Roots Part 3

Part 2 - Part 4

“Mabel, this is a bad idea!”

“Do you have a better one?”

“No, but--”

“Then come on!”

   Static. Screams. Their Grunkles will be so mad. This was a bad idea, such a bad idea.

   WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL

----------

She hits her head on the door when she wakes up with a jolt, a whine escaping her at the pain. There’s a terrible pounding against the back of her eyes which sting with the threat of tears. What was…she felt even worse than when she’d first woken up in the front seat of Stan’s car. Which she now was in the backseat of? When had she moved from the front seat again? Her and Stan had been snacking and listening to some of the awesome pop songs from the 80s that he liked to pretend to hate but she knew he really loved. When had she moved to the backseat?

Slowly she sits up; the movement combined with the rocking of the car doing her stomach no major favors. Stan’s still in the driver’s seat, humming to himself and tapping offbeat against the steering wheel. Mabel originally thought his issues with keeping a rhythm was due to his poor hearing in the future, but now she was starting to realize that he may in fact be tone deaf.

He notices her and their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. “Look who decided to wake up. You feeling any better after that nap, sweetheart? You’re still looking pretty green. Maybe we should’ve lifted you some medicine along with the food.”

“Younkle Stan?” she curls up a little more in the seat, leaning against the door and tugging the collar of her sweater up to her nose. Not quite Sweater Town because she wants to see Stan but enough to help ease a bit of her anxiety. Was she losing more memories? And that dream… “Do you ever...feel like you might've done something really bad?”

She sees Stan’s eyes focus on her for a moment through the rearview mirror, his mouth twitching from the friendly smile he’d been wearing. He gives a weak, forced laugh, showman smile in place instead. “Pumpkin, I've done all kinda bad in my life.” The smile disappears when he looks back to the road. When he speaks again his voice is a bit softer, “Why? You do something bad?”

A shiver runs through her, clenching her stomach and sending a new stab of pain behind her eyes. “I think I made Dipper do something.” She closes her eyes, trying to think past the pain. Her whole body hurts when she tries to chase down the dream. She can hear both her and her brother screaming, remembers being afraid. Remembers the sound of—

WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL

“Oh god, I’m gonna be sick.” She opens her eyes, clamping her hands over her mouth to try to force down the bile that she can taste in the back of her throat. Her vision blurs as her eyes water. She hears Stan swear and the car jerks to the side of the road. She looks out the window to see that they’re on the side of the highway, cars speeding past them.

“Breathe, kid. Hey, it’s okay.” Stan’s turned around in his seat so he’s looking right at her, face pinched in worry. Then he’s climbing out of the car and moving around to the side that’s facing the ditch beside the road. “Please don’t puke in my car. C’mere.”

He reaches out his arms to pick her up, probably to carry her to puke into the grass, but she instead takes it as an invitation to latch onto him. She gets her arms around his neck and presses her face to his throat as she trembles. “I think I did something really bad and what if Dipper is mad at me? What if I’m wrong and I got sent back alone because Dipper doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? What if—” what if they were going to be like Stan and Ford, is what she thinks and then feels even worse for thinking it.

Stan is hunched super awkwardly from how she’s clinging to him while still in the backseat and he’s standing beside the car. She feels him sigh before his arms wrap around her. He picks her up and shifts her a bit before sitting in the seat himself, one leg out of the car, one in. One of his arms hugs her about her shoulders while his free hand rubs small circles into her lower back. It makes her think of her mom, which just serves to make her start crying harder into the collar of Stan’s shirt.

“Listen, uh, Mabel…I don’t really know you or your brother. Not right now. And I don’t know what you did or didn’t do, or how Dipper feels about it,” He clears his throat and grabs her shoulder, forcing her to lean back to look him in the face. His face softens when she looks at him, “But I do know a thing or two about making the people you love mad at you. And know what it took me a really long time to learn?”

She shakes her head, biting her lower lip hard enough to taste copper despite feeling no pain from it.

Stan rubs her mouth with the sleeve of his new jacket. “I learned that you gotta be sorry and want to make up for it, but they gotta love you enough to give you the chance.” His smile is sad and breaks her heart, because she knows that he doesn’t think Ford loves him enough. “So, yeah, Dipper might be mad. He might be mad for a long time. And it might hurt having him be mad at you, but if he loves you as much as he should, he’ll realize that he needs to forgive you. So you just gotta be ready for that day.”

Mabel sniffles, leaning forward to rest against his chest and be hugged. She slips her hands into his jacket to hug him as much as she can with how much wider than her arms he is. “…are you scared to see him again, Younkle Stan?”

A laugh shakes through his chest and it sounds like his heartbeat goes a little funny for a moment. “Sweetheart, I’m terrified.” She hears a telltale sound of sniffling above her but purposely ignores it. If she sees him crying, she knows he’ll shut down and make an excuse about getting something in his eye.

They sit like that for several minutes until Mabel’s tears slow to a stop. She still feels wrung out and her head still hurts, but she does feel a little better having cried. Plus hugging it out always made her feel better. She leans back, making sure not to look Stan in the face when he hurriedly rubs the heel of his hand against his eyes.

His showman grin is back in place when she does finally look up at him, though his eyes are ringed with red. “But, hey! We’re gonna be heroes, right? Save my idiot genius brother from that Bill guy!” he musses her hair, which doesn’t help with the headache but does help her feel less like emotional garbage. “That should get both of us some good points, even if they’re both mad at us.”

Oh, right. They were going to save the day. Save the day and fix things with Ford. Even if Dipper was mad, once he saw Stan and Ford acting the way twins were supposed to act there was no way he wouldn't be her best friend anymore. And she'd finally apologize for being so mean all the time and maybe actually try to play his nerdy board game when they got home.

“Um, Younkle Stan? I kinda have another problem, other than the maybe being a bad person.” She shifts in his lap, scraping her teeth against the torn skin from where she'd bit her lip earlier. “I don't… really remember getting in the backseat?”

Stan lifts a brow at her, “Like ya blacked out? Shi-oot. You might be sicker than we thought.” He presses a hand to her forehead, frown deepening. “You don't have a fever. Is this, like, a time sickness?”

“I don't know. This didn't happen any of the other times we traveled through time.” She scowls; this whole thing was weird. She still didn't understand how she'd ended up with Stan, not that she was complaining. Her Younkle was the best. “And my body is all achey and my head keeps hurting if I try to remember. But I feel like I gotta because it's important.”

Stan shrugs, “If it's real important you'll remember when you need to. I'm sure Ford will be able to figure it out once we get there. We're still a few hours out from what I can figure.” He stands up with her and carries her to the front seat. “Don't sweat it, kid. I'm sure whatever's the issue it's not as big a deal as you think.”

Mabel reaches into the backseat to grab the blanket, and then she snatches the knitting project she'd started from the floorboards. By the time Stan is back in the driver's seat, she's made the front seat into a Knitting Nest. A neighbor city to Sweater Town with a booming export business. “You're probably right. I'm just being silly; Younkle Ford will be able to figure it out. And then we'll save him from Bill and the after.”

Stan frowns harder as he pulls back onto the highway, resuming his steering wheel tapping. “...you keep talking about an after. What exactly does Bill do to Ford other than trick him?” the leather of the steering wheel squeaks with how hard Stan grips it. “Does he hurt him? Like, physically?”

Mabel squirms a bit in her seat; she'd told Stan all about Bill and living with her and Dipper and Ford, but not about the portal accident. It felt wrong to talk about, a story that wasn’t hers to tell. She also realizes that she doesn't know everything Bill did to Ford, only what Dipper had shared with her. She knows Bill tricked Ford like he'd tricked Dipper and Gideon. But if he'd hurt him...well, she can remember the bruises and small cuts that covered Dipper after Bill had possessed him. Had he done that to Ford too? The thought makes her hate the jerk even more.

“Grunkle Ford…wasn't okay after. I don't know everything that happened, but I know he needs help now so he can be okay later.” She grumbles out a Grunkle Stan style swear when she drops a stitch. “Bill is a jerk.”

WHO'D SACRIFICE EVERYTHING THEY'D WORKED FOR JUST FOR THEIR DUMB SIBLING?

And she'd almost given him the book! All because of a stupid boy. Bill brought out the worst in their family. She still felt bad about it. Maybe the unicorn was right; maybe she wasn't a good person. Dipper forgave her for that but sometimes it felt like she couldn't stop herself from screwing up. From being selfish and demanding and rude. The longer she thought about it, the more reasons she found that Dipper had to not forgive her. She didn't know how to function without Dipper as a counterbalance. They'd always been together, and even though it had been less than a day, she’d never missed him as much. It felt like she really hadn't seen him in thirty years.

A pair of fingers snaps in front of her face, startling her out of her thoughts. She rubs at her eyes that had been watering and tries to give Stan her best grin. Now she was making Stan feel bad, she was the worst. This is why she needed Dipper, he--

“You're thinking too much, kid.” Stan grunts, sparing her just a glance before resuming his focus on the road. He's gone back to tapping the non-rhythm against the steering wheel. “Listen, for what it's worth, I don't think Dipper is going to hate you or whatever. You seem like a good kid and from what you’ve told me, you two are a kinda world class team. See, Ford and I were just dumb kids that thought we only had each other. But you two actually have friends and sh--stuff, but you're still best friends who have actual adventures.”

Mabel sniffs, slowly working on her line of stitching. She thinks about Grenda and Candy, about Dipper and Wendy. About the stupid gnomes and her brother promising to trust her always no matter what the journal said. “I miss him a lot, Younkle Stan. Like a lot a lot. And it's only been a little while but it feels like forever and I just wanna see him.”

“You will, sweetheart. I promise I'll do whatever I can to get you back with your brother, even if it means dealing with mine.”

She smiles softly; she might not have Dipper, but at least she has Stan. “Thank you, Younkle Stan.” She burrows into the blanket and resumes knitting. She has Stan and soon she’ll have Ford and Dipper too. Even if Dipper is mad at her, Stan is right, he’ll forgive her. She’ll do whatever she has to for it.

She doses off again at some point in the drive; when Stan wakes her up her knitting needles have left angry red lines where they were pressed up against her palm. She shakes the hand out while she yawns and stretches. She feels much better this time, having had no dreams. Then she looks out the window and feels her throat close up.

There’s two cars parked outside the Shack that she doesn’t recognize, and signs telling people to go away rather than step up. With the signs and the snow, it looks so lifeless compared to the place she’d called home all summer. It reminds Mabel of being at school at night; creepy and with a sense of wrong. But that’s where Ford is. And hopefully Dipper.

“Ready to go into the unknown, Younkle Stan?” she looks over at him, where he’s fidgeting with the sleeve of his new jacket. He’s got that ‘Ford-just-stepped-out-of-the-portal’ nervous smile on his face again and she really hopes this reunion goes better than that one.

“Nope.” He turns to look at her, smile vaguely manic. “But let’s do it.”

------------------------

Dipper awakes with a start, bile climbing up his throat as his skull pounds with a vengeance. He swallows it down and tries to will himself to not lose the small breakfast he'd had. When had he fallen asleep? He remembers the drive back to the not-yet Shack, McGucket following with the excuse of ‘can't trust Stanford with a child’. What had happened after that?

More blackouts in his memory? Dipper had thought it was just from how he'd been sent back in time but...okay, so this was a little scary. He looks around; he's back in the room that'll be Soos’s break room and then Ford’s room. He snatches his hat from where he’d left it on the floor, letting himself feel comforted by the familiarity of it on his head. The pain was passing quicker so long as he didn't try to chase the memories down. What was going on with him? What could Ford’s tests have missed?

He'd been dreaming something, something he feels was important for him to remember. Something to do with an idea Mabel had had and—

Huuuurk. Okay, dream also equals urge to vomit. Noted.

He lets himself take a few minutes to breathe, to let his stomach and head settle. The goal is to not vomit as it often is in life. Vomit free zone, that's what he is. He vaguely wishes Mabel was around to pat his back the way she had when he’d been so excited to meet Ford, the way their mom did back home when they got sick. That thought sends a stab of longing straight to his heart. The feeling passes enough for him to stand and leave the room.

“I knew ya were the stupidest genius ever, Stanford, but this takes the whole flabnabit cake!” He hears Old Man—well, it's just McGucket right now, isn't it— yelling from the living room so he goes towards the sound. “Ya wanna doom the world with yer damn thing in the basement an’ now yer doing it with a child sleepin’ upstairs.”

Dipper peeks around the doorframe; McGucket is seated on a section of the couch that has been cleared by shoving a lot of books to the floor while Ford paces paves the length of the living room. Neither seems to have noticed him. He figures it won’t hurt to listen a bit; adults have a nasty habit of keeping things from kids no matter how capable said child—almost practically a teenager in fact— was, and this Ford wasn’t as ready to trust Dipper as the one in the future.

Ford shoots an exasperated look at his former partner. “I know, alright? I admit that—that I was wrong about the portal. You were right, it's too dangerous, but—”

“Holy cow, someone call the paper; Stanford Ego Pines admits he was wrong. It'll be a national holiday.” McGucket crosses his arms, leaning back in the couch like a petulant teenager and giving Ford a look that would have Wendy whistling impressed.

Dang, McGucket. Dipper shakes his head. Was this what he was like before he started erasing his memory? Though Dipper’s not sure when that started happening; just that it happened after he’d seen the other side of the portal. Was this a McGucket with his memories or one with holes all through his mind? He winces at the thought; that was a very harsh way of putting it.

“Listen, I know you're angry with me, but surely you have to see the big picture here.” Ford sweeps a hand in front of him, clenching the other at his side. His hair is sticking out in all directions again like he’s been tugging on it. “I can’t stop what I’ve done and take care of a child. You helped me build it, you can help me take it apart safely and—”

“I will never, not on m’ damn life, Stanford, go back down there.” McGucket’s voice is dark, there’s a shake to his hand when he moves to grip the arm of the sofa white-knuckle tight. He sighs and leans forward, one hand going to cover his eyes. “I—I get why yer asking me fer help, Ford. An’ I get why it’s important. But I ain’t ever going down there again. I can’t. I ain’t ever want to…remember what we did. And God forgive me fer ever helpin’ ya with it in th’ first place.” His hand drops from his eyes to his knee and he looks up at Ford.

Well, so he’s probably started on the memory gun at least. Maybe he can help answer questions about Dipper’s lost memories.

The look seems enough to deflate Ford, who sinks down to sit on top of some books on the coffee table. He shakes his head, “Fidds…fine. If you won’t help me then I’ll just do it alone. I still have all your notes to help me.” He moves his fingers through his hair, furthering mussing it up. Dipper realizes he looks like an owl with over fluffed feathers. “If you won’t help me with the portal, will you at least—”

McGucket nods, waving a hand as if to brush away the remainder of the question. “Yeah. That…won’t be a problem. I have some other things ‘m workin’ on, but they can wait. Kids come first.”

Wait, what?

Ford’s shoulders slump in relief. “Thank you. It’ll just be while I get everything taken care of here, and then I’ll come get him.”

Ohhh. Oh no.

McGucket nods again. “Once he wakes up, I’ll take him back to my place.”

“No!” Dipper yells, giving away that he was eavesdropping and not caring. He tries to rush into the living room but trips over his own feet. He grunts when he hits the floor before shoving back up to his feet. He points a finger at Ford, “You’re not going to send me to stay with Old M—I mean, McGucket! Young Man McGucket! I’m gonna help you!”

Ford gives an annoyed sounding sigh, turning his head up to the ceiling. “Dipper, my work is too dangerous and you're clearly sick. You said yourself that you weren't feeling too well. I can't fix my mistakes and look after an ill ten-year-old. You'll just stay with Fiddleford until I can safely dismantle the portal. Then I can focus on getting you home.”

“I'm twelve! Almost 13!” Dipper’s face burns; this Ford doesn't think he can do it. The weird path I must walk alone. “You can’t send me away! I’m not—” not Stan, is what he nearly says, but he clamps his hands over his mouth before the words can escape him, eyes wide. Why did nearly he say that? Why think it? “We're family; I want to help. Please, Great Uncle Ford! Just give me a chance to prove myself! I'm not sick, I promise! Just-just time lagged!” the last part is a lie, but he can tell Ford about the lost memories after they were done dealing with the portal. He'd be fine until then; it was just an hour or so lost, no big deal. Getting to prove himself to Ford, to the Author, was way more important.

McGucket chuckles from his spot on the couch; Dipper gives him an awkward smile back. “If he ain't a precocious lil feller.” He pushes himself up from the couch and gets close enough to pat Dipper’s hat. “So yer the time traveler. I reckon that's one of the stranger things I ever did see, but not the strangest. So, Stanford,” he levels the dry look right back at Ford, who instantly straightens with a scowl, “what's the plan? I ain't taken nobody against their will. Especially not a kid with even half that determination.”

Ford groans, once more fisting his hair. “Why does no one ever listen to me, gosh dang it?! Everything is an uphill battle.” He shoots Dipper a serious look, “Fine. You wanna prove yourself? I need some help retrieving something to help me deal with our you-know-who problem, and since Fiddleford wants to be a child about it, you can come. And if you do good and don't get ill again, I'll consider letting you help further. Is that sufficient for you two?”

Dipper nods so fast his jaw clicks and his hands are shaking at his sides; oh what he wouldn't give for a pen. A chance to prove himself, to go on an adventure with Ford not spawned by magical dice! Ohh, wait till Mabel hears about this. She'll be so jealous. Too bad he doesn't have a camera to take pictures for her. That's one scrapbook he'd love.

“And while you two have yer adventure, I can work on the time travelin’ problem.” McGucket offers, surprising Dipper.

“You can do that?” he frowns up at him. Then again, the McGucket he knew could build just about anything.

McGucket looks proud as punch, thumbing his big nose. “I built the last time detector we had, ‘fore Stanford stupidly lost it. Yer uncle might be brilliant but he ain't able to hold a candle to my engineering. It's why he needed me to—” he freezes; proud look lost to something confused, “to…build something. The thing in the basement. I...I cain’t quiet recall the specifics but it was mighty impressive, I reckon.”

Dipper laughs nervously, uncomfortable with the reality of McGucket’s memory issues and knowing exactly where that would take him. Well, maybe they could help with that once Bill wasn't a threat, before Dipper went home. Hard for McGucket to found a cult and destroy more of his mind while he was here, right?

He turns his attention back to Ford, who has started sifting through some of the books on the table in the hunt for something. “So, uh, Great Uncle Ford. Where are we going? What do we need to get?” he moves closer and picks up on of the books closest to him. Physics and Where They Just Don’t Work. Huh.

“Where it all began, my boy. Aha!” Ford manages to slide out a folded up piece of paper from beneath the pile. When he unfolds it, Dipper can see an array of lines that make no sense whatsoever. Then Ford folds it up again differently until it’s in the shape of a triangle and when he holds it up, Dipper can see what it is. A map. “I’ve already hidden away my other journals and with the snow it would be quite difficult to get them back. So we’ll just re-gather the information from its source; the cave.”

The cave. The cave. The cave.

WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL

Dipper nearly doubles over; it feels like he was just stabbed right through the eye into his brain. The book in his hands drops to the ground as he presses his palms to his temples, squeezing his eyes shut. Oh god, it hurts so bad! He feels his legs threatening to give out under the wash of nausea, feels the bile once again crawling up his throat. No, no, no, no. What was happening to him?

A pair of hands catch his shoulders as he sways and he looks up in surprise at his uncle. Before Dipper knows what he’s doing, he’s got his fingers dug into Ford’s sweater and his face pressed into his stomach while he struggles to breathe through the vice on his skull. Ford’s awkward, one hand staying on Dipper’s shoulder while the other twists his hat away so the brim isn’t digging into him. Dipper’s embarrassed by how he’s clinging, how childish he’s being, but everything hurts. He tries to block out whatever memory is trying to surface.

“We can’t go to the cave. We can’t. It’s not—” he swallows down the bile and digs his fingers in harder. “It’s not safe. I don’t know why, I can’t remember, but we can’t go. S-something’s not right there.” Oh god, he wished Mabel was here. Even if just to give him a proper hug, unlike Ford’s uncomfortable patting. He felt stronger when it was the two of them than when it was just him alone and right now he felt weaker than he ever had. He was with the Author, he was being given the chance to do what he’d dreamed all summer and go on an adventure, but suddenly all he wants is to be with his sister.

Ford pushes him back a bit so he can kneel, putting him roughly eye level with Dipper. He looks over at where McGucket is standing to the side; Dipper’s cheeks burn at the look of concern on the other man’s face. Ford gives his shoulders a squeeze. “Listen, Dipper. Breathe. Slow, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Do that for me.”

Dipper obeys; slow deep breaths in the nose and out the mouth. It takes a few repetitions before the panic starts to dissipate and with it most of the nausea, though his head still hurts. He nods slowly at his uncle.

“Good boy. Now keep doing that and listen.” Ford frowns and adjusts Dipper’s hat, fixing where it had been pushed askew. “The cave isn’t safe; I know that. Going there is a calculated risk and one I feel that we can withstand. So long as I don’t fall asleep again, my mind is safe, and you’d have to shake his hand for him to take you. And now that I’ve finally had some coffee, I’m awake enough for this, but perhaps you should stay—”

“No!” Ford doesn’t have the plate in his head; Ford isn’t safe from Bill. Well, that would explain the way he’d screamed when he’d woken up after the five minute nap after Dipper had first arrived. How long has it been since Ford has slept? Dipper feels a chill in his spine at the thought of Ford going there and potentially falling asleep. “Great Uncle Ford, you have to listen to me! You can’t go there! It’s not—“ another stab of pain, “I don’t know why but it’s too dangerous! Even for you! Especially for you!”

Ford looks ready to argue more but McGucket speaks up. He’s moved over to the window, peaking through the blinds. “Now, I don’t mean to be interuptin’ y’all’s argument, but there’s someone here. Someone that looks an awful lot like you, Ford, but with a much better haircut.”

\lsdqfo���,*

[thatonegayship]

Ok, so you've covered people/demons being interested in Dipper but what about creatures/demons trying to be a homewrecker and disrupt Bill n dip's marriage?? Bill's admirers jealous that dipper gets to marry Bill, like why does a lowly human gets to be with Bill but I Merfrassandra the Third that is the heir to bla bla bla bla bla bla (too lazy to type at this part) doesn't?!? It's not fair!

Oh, there's absolutely a contingent of those! Bill Cipher's one of the most powerful beings around, and most of the others on his level are unavailable for a variety of reasons. He's probably been voted Most Egregious Bachelor quite a few times over the eons!

Anyone looking to sidle on into Dipper's spot probably has the following thought process:

Bill Cipher is willing to commit, for once in his eternal life

Getting close to Bill comes with Power and Reach and Authority. Interdimensional influence, even.

And he’s good looking!

He’s hitched to some dumb young human who at best will last another few decades

Bill's a lot of things, but he's not an idiot. He knows that mortal's gonna be worm food soon enough.

If I eliminate the competition, that Committed Relationship space opens up! No human could be possibly better than me!

And yeah, so what if Bill’s pissed for a bit? He’s not gonna be that attached to a mortal

Anyone who confronted Bill about this would at best be laughed right out of the room. At worst? He's collecting parts of them as reasons not to pull the same stunt.

Dipper, however, absolutely sees people trying to open up his 'spot'. Whether he realizes that's what they're after is a tossup. But if he does? I doubt he's telling Bill about the reason for his latest near-death experience.

[itsthemysterykids]

The Mystery Kids finally deal with their anger issues

Mabel: From now on we're not gonna have any more anger amongst us, okay?

Dipper: Then tell Lili to quit drawing pictures of me with my hair on fire!

Lili: Don't censure my art! Tell Neil to stop overwatering my plants!

Neil: I said I was sorry!

Wybie: NO MORE ANGER! *They stop arguing* ... Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called role reversal, where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. *Twang accent* "Don't listen to Wybie, guys. He's lame and totally annoying. Ignore him and only listen to me, Coraline!”

Coraline: "I'm Wybie. Yap, yap, yap! I’m always talking! Blah, blah, blah! Boring mechanic words! I’m a mechanic who wears a ton of black even though I’m not an emo!”

Lili: "I'm the male twin. I'm well-read and use big words I don’t understand, but I'm not above chewing pens and spitting out the ink."

Dipper: "I'm a pompous little antichrist who enjoys setting things on fire."

*The next day, Coraline is in the kitchen getting a Pitt Cola from the fridge. She sets it on the table and smashes it open with a mallet as Raz walks in*

Raz: Whoa, Coraline, calm down!

Coraline: I'm sick of these anger-management techniques! They're not working!

Raz: What about writing angry letters and not sending them?

Coraline: ... I wasn't supposed to send those?

*In the living room, the Mystery Kids are reading letters*

Norman: "Dear Norman. For the first two weeks, I thought you had a porcupine resting on your head.” Coraline!

Mabel: "Dear Mabel. Get out." Oh, that's nice.

Wybie: Mine just says "Dear Wybie." And after that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper. You got somethin' to say to me?!

Coraline: Yeah! PS: *Gathers spit in her throat* Hold on a sec. Hold on.

Norman: Relax! Everybody, relax. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but we need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. *He pulls a capsule out of his hoodie pocket* My psychiatrist gave me these mood elevators. I think they could help even us out.

Wybie: We're not taking pills. It's not natural.

Neil: Neither is dying your weird white hairs chestnut brown!

Wybie: Give us the damn pills!

*A moment later, The Mystery Kids are sitting on the floor, looking out of it as they blissfully listen to a song on Mabel’s phone*

Lili: Oh my God, guys… We played this song five times.

Coraline: *Chuckles* What? That’s why I remember all the words!

Mystery Kids: *Laughing*

Norman: Wanna hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills. *Chuckles*

Raz: Are you telling me I just listened to Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

Mabel: Did it kill you to be multicultural for a minute?!

Raz: I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

Mabel: Don't you use that tone of voice, you-

Raz: What were you gonna say? Idiot?

Wybie: Ignoramus?

Coraline: Moron?

Dipper: Coldplay fan?

Mabel: How about all of the above?!

Raz: How's this for a name? "Pony Express is in. What have you got for me, Joe? Let me see. It's here somewhere. Here we are. A big bag of gullible pills for Mabel!”

*Mabel punches him in the face*

Raz: You... You just hit me.

Mabel: That's right!

*Raz tries to punch her back, but she ducks and he hits Coraline in the face*

Coraline: You can’t hit me! I’m a girl!

Raz: Sometimes I wonder. *Wybie kicks him in the knee and he falls to the floor in pain* Kicking, Wyborne?

Wybie: Ha! Hurts, doesn't it?!

Raz: You tell me! *He kicks Wybie in the ankle, and he retaliates by tackling him to the floor*

Coraline: Go, Wybie! Kick his ass!

Lili: Shut up! *Shoves her*

Coraline: You did not just shove me! Aaagh! *She tackles Lili to the floor and pulls on her hair*

*Wybie throws Raz down from the stairs, then Raz uses his telekinesis to throw the lamp at his head, making Wybie tumble down. Mabel grabs a chair and hits Neil in the back of the head, then hits Norman. Lili bashes Coraline’s head against the floor a few times until Mabel pushes her over, then punches her in the face. Neil flips Dipper over his shoulder, then kicks him. Norman runs around the room while Raz chases him and throws objects at him. Wybie then grabs a painting off the wall, and hits Neil with it, making his head go through the canvas. The painting happens to be a picture of a fat horse. Wybie sees this and laughs, along with Neil, then the other Mystery Kids cease their fighting and laugh at Neil’s predicament*

Lili: Heh. That felt pretty good.

Norman: Yeah...

*Raz punches Dipper in the face, and the fight starts again*

[itsthemysterykids]

And then what happens :v

LIBRARY

*They are sitting on the floor in a circle*

Norman: What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to...

Dipper: That's boring...

Norman: Well, how am I supposed to answer?

Dipper: The idea is to search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school in your underwear

Norman: Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car?

Coraline: Of course...

Norman: In the spring, or winter?

Dipper: It doesn't matter...spring...

Norman: In front of the school or in the back of the school?

Dipper: Either one...

Norman: Yes...

Wybie: … I'd do it. *They all look at him* I don't need a million dollars to do it either...

Coraline: You're lying...

Wybie: … Miss Jones...I've done just about everything there is, except a few things that are illegal...

*Coraline rolls her eyes*

Coraline: Lie...

Dipper: Are your parents aware of this?

Wybie: The only person I told was a boy at my church group when I was fifteen.

Lili: And what'd he do when you told him?

Wybie: Made out with him.

Coraline: Very nice. Right in the house of God.

Mabel: Seriously?

Wybie: Yeah… And he was dating someone, too.

*Coraline notes her disgust*

Coraline: Do you have any idea how completely horrible that is?

Wybie: Oh, I don’t know… The first few times was pretty hot.

Lili: First few times? You mean you made out more than once?

Wybie: Sure... Once, we met up at the mall while he was shopping with his girlfriend. I pulled him into Hot Topic… His lips tasted like her cherry lip balm.

Coraline: Are you crazy?

Dipper: Obviously he's crazy if he's hooking up with his guy friend who’s already dating someone...

Wybie: *to Lili* You ever done that?

Lili: I don't even have guy friends... Or girls I hate.

Wybie: You never homewrecked?

Lili: Now, didn't we already cover this?

Raz: You never answered the question...

Lili: Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.

Wybie: It's kind of a double-edged sword… Isn't it?

Mabel: Huh?

Wybie: Well, if you say you haven't...you're a good little prude. If you say you have...you're a homewrecking asshole who just happens to be an amazing kisser. It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?

Lili: Wrong...

Wybie: Oh. So a prude?

Mabel: She's a prude...

Lili: Oh, why don't you just forget it...

Coraline: You're a prude and you know it.

Lili: I’ve never done anything!

Wybie: That's why you're a prude… Isn’t that just twisted?

Lili: Okay, Lovat, lemme ask you a few questions.

*Wybie is suddenly defensive*

Wybie: I've already told you everything!

Lili: No! Doesn't it bother you to make out with people without being in love? I mean don't you want any respect?

Wybie: I don’t mess with relationships to get respect... I mean… At least I’m getting some action. That's the difference between you and me...

Lili: Not the only difference, I hope.

Raz: Face it, girl, you're a prude.

Lili: I'm not a prude!

Raz: Sure you are! You said it yourself, making out, being in love, respect. Those are the words of a prude.

Lili: He twisted my words around.

Raz: Oh then what reason do you have to make out with anyone?

Lili: I don't, period! *She is on the verge of tears*

Raz: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?

Lili: I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!

Raz: Well if you'd just answer the question…

Mabel: Why don't you just answer the question?

Neil: Be honest...

Raz: No big deal...

Dipper: Yeah, answer it!

Coraline: Just answer the question, Lili.

Raz: Talk to us!

*Lili silences all of them by screaming*

Lili: No! I never did anything!... I’m almost eighteen, and… I’ve never kissed anyone, had anyone look my way, or- FUCK!

Wybie: … I never kissed anyone either, I'm not a homewrecker...I'm a compulsive liar...

Lili: You are such a bastard! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over!

Wybie: I would do it though...If you love someone it's okay...

Lili: … I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over us!

Coraline: You're just pissed off because he got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to...

Lili: Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre...

Norman: What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

Neil: *to Norman* How are you bizarre?

*Wybie decides to answer that question*

Wybie: He talks to himself...

Norman: He's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? My dad got mad when he heard o was talking to myself again, so I cut Kyle’s hair off to make him forget about it.

*Coraline laughs*

Dipper: That was you?

Norman: Yeah, you know him?

Coraline: Oh my God...

Norman: And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this guy, because I wanted him to think that I was a normal kid. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do like “all guys”. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the art classroom. And Kyle’s getting paint. Yeah...he's kinda… he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I grabbed some scissors, jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And these guys, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Cipher’s office, all I could think about was Kyle’s father. And Kyle having' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And all the humiliation... humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean…

*He starts crying*

Norman: I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't never relate to..."Norman! Quit being a mistake! I won't tolerate any mistakes in this family!” You know, sometimes I wish I’d go deaf so I couldn’t hear him anymore. And he could forget all about me...

Raz: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.

*Norman laughs briefly*

Dipper: It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I look at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.

Coraline: What's wrong with you? *Mabel frowns at the question* Why don't you like yourself?

Dipper: 'Because I'm stupid...'because I'm failing shop! *Seeing him about to cry, Mabel hugs him* See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was supposed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got an F on it. Never got an F in my life... When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average...

Raz: Why'd you think it'd be easy?

Dipper: Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?

Raz: I take shop...you must be a fuckin' idiot!

Dipper: I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?

Raz: No, you're a genius because you can't make a fucking lamp...

Dipper: What do you know about Trigonometry?

Raz: I could care less about Trigonometry...

Dipper: Raz, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?

Raz: Without lamps, there'd be no light!

Coraline: Okay so neither one of you is any better than the other one...

Wybie: … I can write with my toes. I can also eat, brush my teeth...

Lili: With your feet?

Wybie: ...play Beethoven on the piano.

Mabel: I can make spaghetti.

Neil: I can double Dutch.

Coraline: *to Norman* What can you do?

Norman: I can...uh...cut your hair off...

Raz: I wanna see what Coraline can do!

Coraline: I can't do anything.

Raz: Now, everybody can do something weird...

Coraline: There's one weird thing I can do, no forget it, it's too embarrassing.

Raz: You ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years.

Coraline: Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh...I can't believe I'm actually doing this… *She takes out a pencil, puffs up her cheeks, puts the pencil in her mouth, blows, and the pencil hits the wall like a dart*

*Everyone claps. Raz’s clap is sarcastic and slow*

Neil: All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that?

Coraline: Camp, seventh grade...

Raz: That was great, Coraline...my image of you is totally blown...

Wybie: You're a dick! Don't do that to her, you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!

Raz: Am I laughing? What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right, guys? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? *turns to Come* And you...don't like me anyway!

Coraline: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them.

Raz: God, you're so pathetic! Don't you ever...ever! Compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got nothing Blue Belle, right? School would probably shut down if you didn't show up! "Extreme Sports Barbie isn't here!" I like those sneakers.

Coraline: Shut up...

Raz: Are those real or knockoff, Coraline?

Coraline: Shut up!

Raz: I bet they are real...did you work, for the money for those sneakers?

Coraline: Shut... Your mouth!

Raz: Or did your daddy buy those?

Coraline: Shut up! *starts crying*

Raz: I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner year at the old Aquato family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?

Mabel: … My God. Are we gonna be like our parents?

Coraline: Not me...ever...

Wybie: It's unavoidable, it just happens.

Coraline: What happens?

Wybie: When you grow up, your heart dies.

Raz: Who cares?

Wybie: *On the verge of tears* I care… *Coraline holds his hand*

Dipper: Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you my friends, I'm not wrong, am I?

Neil: No...

Dipper: So, on Monday...what happens?

Coraline: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?

Dipper: So what happens on Monday?

Coraline: Do you want the truth?

Dipper: Yeah, I want the truth...

Coraline: I don't think so...

Wybie: Well, do you mean all of us or just Raz?

Coraline: With all of you...

Raz: That's a real nice attitude!

Lili: Oh, be honest, Neil...if Dipper came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the jocks. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!

Neil: No way!

Wybie: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?

Coraline: Same exact thing!

Lili: You are an ass!

Coraline: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me an ass?

Lili: No! 'Cause you know how fucked that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!

Coraline: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Wybie to one of your punk rock parties? Or take Norman and Mabel out to the parking lot to plant trees? What about Neil for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off!

Lili: *furious* Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to things you know, shopping, blue nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Caribbean!

Coraline: *furious and sobbing* Shut up!

Lili: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom!

Coraline: I hate you!

Lili: Yeah? Good!

*There is silence until Dipper speaks*

Dipper: Then I assume Wybie, Norman, and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos... *to Norman* Do you… Would you do that to me?

Norman: I don't have any friends...

Dipper: Well if you did?

Norman: No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind...

Dipper: I just wanna tell each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty...

Coraline: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us…

*Dipper laughs at her*

Dipper: You're so conceited, Coraline. You're so conceited. You're so full of yourself, why are you like that?

Coraline: I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!

Wybie: Well then why do you do it?

Coraline: I don't know, I don't...you don't understand..you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Neil and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!

*Dipper is shocked*

Dipper: I don't understand what?! You think I don't understand pressure, Coraline? Well fuck you! Fuck you! *He hides his head in his hands because he is crying, prompting Mabel to hug him again* Know why I'm here today?! Do you?! I'm here because Mr. McGucket found a bunch of pills in my pocket...

Neil: Why'd you have pills in your pocket? What were the pills for?

Dipper: Just forget it...

Neil: You brought it up, man!

Dipper: I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my mom can't have it, either! Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me!

Mabel: Dipper...

*Dipper flips a chair over*

Dipper: So I considered my options, you know?

Mabel: No! Overdosing was never an option!

Dipper: Well I didn't do it, did I?! No, I don't think so!

Norman: How’d he find them?

Dipper: … They fell out of my pocket.

Neil: Really?

Dipper: Yeah…

*Neil and Norman start to laugh, and Dipper tries not to smile*

Dipper: It’s not that funny!

*They all start to laugh, including Dipper*

Wybie: … I didn’t actually get caught smoking. I just decked a guy.

Coraline: *Looking proud* Respect.

Lili: *Still laughing* Why?

Wybie: … Made a crack about periods… And it was my time of the month.

*All are quiet until Lili bursts into laughter*

Lili: Oh my God! Seriously? *Dipper starts to laugh*

Wybie: It's not that funny... *Everyone starts laughing again* My bedsheets were so red!

Mabel: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do… Plus, Dipper’s in here and twins stick together.

*Everyone laughs louder this time*

Mabel: You're laughing at me...

Neil: No!

*Mabel starts to laugh too*

Mabel: Yeah you are!

Neil: I spilled hummus on a teacher’s desk!

Lili: I kicked a guy in the nuts for spray painting his name on a tree.

Coraline: Man, we all suck!

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