#God damnit ALLL

[abstract-ostrich]

augh. One last drawing. Ough. How am I supposed to recover from this

[briefpiratebear]

To get to the whole big idea I’m struggling to understand my perception of god and reality and I’m trapped in a hen house as a baby hen being nurtured like a 2 year old and god damnit I love it come at me you know what else makes me feel so awesome about myself…. A lot actually a lot I’ll say that in the depth of reality and god is truth then what when your nailed to the stake burned alive to remain died and unconscious or else your mercy on this world means truth politics then what if you cannot be alive for alive means being free and in this reality I am far from free I remain died if you get me. I have remained died for so long in time we all wake up from this dream some dreams you don’t wake up from this damnit is mine all I’m saying is god is alll I have in my reality there is little to much I see that makes purpose for a cause that cause being me mentally physically always want more wisdom faith without that I don’t have anything besides god and a shit reality

[guns-and-brimstone]

His yellow eyes blinked in suprise seeing her. Taking her hand and giving it a soft shake with his boney hand, Guss gave the Princess a soft yet nervous smile. ”Uh no!… I actually think i'm exactly where i'm suppose to be…”

He still hadn’t realised that the one standing before him was actually lucifer's daughter. In his nervous state, Guss easily mistaked her for just another sinner. One that was probably simply working here as staff. ”Actually…. I wanted to give 'Redemption' a shot….” He took his green camo cap off as a sign of respect. ”If You’ll have me?…”

The realisation that he had not called ahead first started burrowing it’s way in to his mind. What if they were all filled up and had no rooms left? What if they didn’t want someone like him here? It was alll starting to give Guss a mild anxiety attack. He was loosing Hope for forgiveness by the second.

”Sorry… i probably should have called first…. I’ll come back some other time.” He took a few steps backwards like he was considering leaving the hotel. He didn’t know why he was Feeling so nervous all of a sudden. This wasn’t like him at all. He was a soldier god damnit!

@guns-and-brimstone - continued from here!

The sound of knocking at the door had Charlie looking up from her binder of paperwork, hand stopping its rubbing of KeeKee's ears as she tried to process what she was hearing. Everyone was home right now-- Angel, Husk, and Niffty were watching a movie together upstairs, and Vaggie was helping Alastor with a 'problem' he had discovered in one of the rooms.

That left only Charlie, alone in the lobby save for her cat and the plans she was trying to come up with. Maybe it was because she was in such disbelief over the sound, opting to believe that it wasn't real, but the fact that the fellow who had knocked then decided to invite himself inside caused the princess to leap up from her spot on the chaise and start apologizing profusely.

"Oooooh my gosh! I am soooo sorry- I didn't hear you-" Okay, that was a lie. "Well, I did, but I didn't think... uh..."

Shoes skidded to a halt in front of the skeleton man. Grinning sheepishly, Charlie smoothed her hair out and took a step back, extending a hand to him.

"... What I meant to say is, hi. I'm Charlie. Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. You're not... lost, are you?"

[ask-mammon-infernal-sib]

Tho god has no idea how to practice self care. She broke a teacup in her hand and got shards alll up in her hand. Didn't even realize it for awhile.

“Damnit, no!” Belphegor puts his hands to his head. He looks a bit overwhelmed. “Mom! Mom you need to stop this now!” All of his feathers stand on end as he rocks back and forth, still gripping his head.“Everyone just stop! I can’t lose anyone else! I can’t! Just stop! Stop it now!”(( @ask-the-ineffable-being ))

[mtnkat3]

You...Alll do know why I'm so nervous & full of trepidation.. right..?

My soul's scared...

How many times...

Trembling kat.. lips, tears on lids..

I will stand on the balconies & let the storms batter me..

Until..

Until I feel Your...Alll's presence surrounding me.

Until I feel.. You...Alll want to touch me...

I mean...

You...Alll made me feel beautiful back then, despite what I was going thru.

Now.. I wonder if I'm an embarrassment. No. No that's not what I feel from You...Alll its.. frustration.

But.. but.. words.. actions.. wobbly lip.

I stood on those balconies..

I hope to know the whys..

Whimpering moan.

And I pray to make amends.

But I felt You...Alll ..

Yes, I overstepped.

Bowed.. sliding down the veil to a slump.

But. I was there.

As close as we've ever been..

But on different sides of a chasm. Like You...Alll were sitting on the moon looking down & watching me..

Yes, I know You...Alll have always protected me. Because You...Alll understood who & what the monster wh is.

A genius iq in a prepubescent mind, but with evil directing in a man's body. Strong enough that I have to use tremendous force to break a wrist grab. [A friend's army hub taught how to many years ago.] But. My small [6¼"] wrists... I never again wanna feel my bones squeezed.

Just thank God same height & I'm strong enough physically & emotionally to fight back. Once I rescue myself I know my entire system will breathe again.

I pray for God's Miracles, His Plan. That I am to be.. reset. Like hardware. I just pray... He heals me. And Guides me to heal myself too.

I am not meant to be this..chubby. yes, wide hips but not all the weight incorrectly placed on my trunk. A couple things will require.. more than exercise.

[Think I'm a 36~28~40, (old measures) so... Not small. But..slim, voluptuous. Always have said don't care when it's boobs & butt. Those don't hurt healthiness of my organs!]

But I'm not afraid of that.

I endured lasik eye surgery, & the valium didn't do shit. Only the device that held my eyes open & force of will. That was 2002 though.

[Fyi= NEVER do correcting surgery til after 40yo! Damnit all! & I loved having 20/15 vision! Dang astigmatisms.]

And yes, I wanna barn with a gym, barre, dance, pilates, & swimjet.

Actually, the first thing I plan to build.

With an artist studio loft too.

Might even sleep in a tent in a corner until I can build my cabin.

Yes, You...Alll have been in every dream about every home I've ever mentally built. Including the book.

I've been building them since 1993. Sitting in my college dorm, coming to grips with losing usaf pilot dreams [I will be a pilot, it is a goal. Just... no dogfights. Drat it.]

Maybe I'm just too.. maverick.. too boundary pushing.. too much...?

But I think God wants me to lead alongside my Mate/s.

Not gritting my teeth from the military machine.

[I am all for the military personnel, & even machines. Just hate the... shot callers.]

Dang I wish I was the one to go on a tiger cruise! Sigh.

Just.. cabin with several purposeful buildings.. loud music sometimes.. & no one but those who laugh & grin at my antics. What I want & need.

But what I want...need...crave...desire... will fight with my last drop of blood & breath to have & hold...

You...Alll.

As many things as I've wanted to do, explore, experience in my life..

Nothing compares to You...Alll.[🎶]

I don't care about where... how much money... or anything like that.

I will live anywhere.

As long as I'm with my soul's Mate/s.

But am I pushing the limits the right way now?

Am I doing this right now... ?

I am praying & striving to not screw up again.

I just..

I miss You...Alll.

It's tearing me up inside still.

Never really has stopped.

I tried back then to let go.

I couldn't.

I gave You...Alll my keys & that was it for me.

I thought You...Alll were.. gone.. dead.. didn't want me.

I tried to heal on tumblr & met some good, some bad, & a lot of players.

But I was always... is that him... them.. sobbing.

I've thought I saw You...Alll here... tooo...

But I don't know!

& it's driving me bonkers!

All I wanna do... touch You...Alll.

I mean the first thing I wanna do is touch..

With my eyes.. my fingers..

I think about falling in a heap at Your...Alll's feet sobbing.

And I think about running into Your...Alll's arms crying & holding on tight.

And I think about being paralyzed by seeing You...Alll... & You...Alll walking right into the touch of my fingertips so my palm is feeling Your...Alll's hearts beating..

I think about You...Alll being able to pick me up & my legs wrapped around You...Alll & being surrounded by You...Alll.

And I think about laying my head on Your...Alll's chests... listening to hearts beating... dancing close...

And as I sit here on the side of my bed staring out as the sun shines thru the trees.. staring at my huge pine tree...

I long for You...Alll...

Even as I've gotta go take a shower.

[Mom pointed something out. I'm always nervous about taking showers here. Yelling, shutting off water heater, beating the walls.. Then there's this infection. And the house probably has mold. It's no wonder I am struggling to keep my head above water. And that it's hard to feel comfortable to take a shower here. Right now, they're not my escape. But to be endured. Because I'm the type I'd stay in the water. Love standing in showers for long time, & multiple a day. 1-3.]

Sigh. I'd rather leave this in my diary for You...Alll alone to read.

I know that we pushed each other back then.. & I think being in love means to always push oneself, to be the best possible. But also we strive for each other tooo. Pushing boundaries.. limits.. growing.. building.. being our best selves...

I'm terrified of getting it wrong,

But I refuse to allow paralysis of fear to hold me back any longer.

I have reached some of my goals.

Now it's time to push that to complete.

So that I am able to post...

I am out.

Then... my Love/s...

Come & get me.

I beg You...Alll. only.

I will wait for eternity for You...Alll.

Because even though there's a lot that only You...Alll & God know.

I know I'm supposed to wait.

On Him.

On You...Alll.

I am treading with trembling limbs, on a creaky dangerous surface...

I just pray...

The patient man.. men..

Whimpering sob.

Are waiting for me in God's Light.

Because my Love/s...

Alpha/s, Bear/s, King/s, Warrior/s, Mate/s, Love/s...

I will wait for You...Alll.

You...Alll are my everything, my universe.

I will stand at the end of a dock.. bridge.. cliff.. mountain edge.. waters edge..

I will wait for You...Alll.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Yes, trembling, wobbly, shaky..

But resolute.

I will place my keys, rings, & pendants into Your...Alll's hands...

& wait..

Head bowed, chin up, trembling..

I love You...Alll.

I miss You...Alll. so much my system is in chaos.

The tears come when I think about why.. where.. will You...Alll.. love me..?

Or did I totally screw the pooch.

Sob. Wail. Bite lip.

God help me. Please.

I love You...Alll & that's never gonna stop!

I wholeheartedly believe

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

I love You...Alll.

I beg You...Alll. Alone.

Bowed. Slumped.

Trudging to shower.

God help me...please???

Your scared, insecure, trembling, humbled, bowed... daughter,

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix.

Sa.9.24.2022 3.16 .45pm est. Diary

👩🤓☔💡🤝⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🌂🔗⚙⛓🧰⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵⌚⚡🌠🗝🔱⚜💝♠️🧩🔆♾🌎🎯🧭💫🕯

"Bridge"

[pinktatertots99]

Alll Winter OTP questions for Nico x Upa owo

YAY!!! (i'msosorrygoingoverboardonsomeoftheseijustgotalotofinspirationit'ssoembarrassing.)

Winter OTP Questions

1: Who makes the other hot chocolate? upa makes it for nico. it has to be very specific so it doesn’t set off any of his allergies.

2: Who knits the other a seasonal sweater? nico! thanks to years of having to sew extensions to his rags and some sessions with seitarou he can make some fairly decent ones. upa just feels so embarrassed by them but he’ll wear it cause damnit that happy face he has when he shows it to him just gets to his undead heart. so he’ll tolerate the teasing as he wears the snowman sweater. though he’ll probably wear it under his jumpsuit cause the teasing gets old. that and it matches and looks nice.

3: Who’s family hosts a bigger holiday gathering? What’s the gathering like for your OTP? (if we mean actual families and not their buildings/cellmates then) upa’s. the gathering goes shockingly well. you would think it wouldn’t go well since the family’s kinda…well the opposite of nico we’ll say(not as stoic as upa though. in the middle). and he can be a bit… much for them, but it’s not bad. though he nearly gives upa a heart attack when it comes to trying to help cook and setting the burner on fire twice, it went well. he gets along well with the younger relatives (cousins/nieces/nephews). though the introduction of the mistletoe was a surprise (and almost embarrassing for upa cause oh god what was everyone gonna think of this?) and became hell once he introduced it to the younglings and they would playfully put it over their heads with a string and damnit nico you made little monsters this is why he hid the mistletoe!

4: How would your OTP react to having a snow day? upa’s dumbfounded cause THEIR ON AN ISLAND HOW THE FUCK IS THERE SNOW?! also, snowman puns from everyone cause haha he has snow white skin HE GETS IT! now prepare yourselves for the unleashing of a dozen flying snowballs!

nico’s a mixture of horrified but excited cause IT’S SNOWING! but it’s so cold! IT’S SO PRETTY! but he’s gonna get sick if he goes out! BUT EVERYONE’S HAVING FUN! and AUGH he just wants to go out and play and regret it later when he’s sick in bed for a week!

5: Who offers the other one their jacket? upa give his to nico. mostly cause even with 5 LAYERS he still gets cold. that and the weather doesn’t bother him (y'know, cause he’s dead and all and doesn’t have warm body temperature anymore.)

6: Who makes a snowman that looks like the other member of your OTP, or do they both do this? NICO MAKES ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE UPA! upa’s just, so done. and it doesn’t help that everyone mistakes it for him! he’s tried to make one of nico before with seaweed from the body of water nearby once. didn’t look too bad but snowman upa won the lookalike contest the best.

7: Does your OTP ever have snowball fights? if their able to then yes! they usually go at it for a while but not too long or nico gets sick.

8: What gifts would they get each other for the holidays? nico probably gets him something related to his culture or something for his cactus. upa gets nico probably new issues of whatever manga he’s into and an actual training outfit.

9: How do they spend their winter holiday? Do they even celebrate the same holiday? mostly celebrate it inside and maybe occasionally go out to see the lights or even parades. and yes they do, nico seems to celebrate it more though and upa kinda celebrates it casually (or barely).

10: What sort of seasonal treats does your OTP like to eat? upa’s got a secret sweet tooth so anything really. nico though needs to have either very specific treats or they make their own cause allergies.

11: How do they spend New Year’s Eve? with everyone else but not drinking. (gotta stay sober while everyone else is drinking like a maniac.)

12: Who initiates the New Year’s kiss? upa. nico was too excited waiting for midnight to initiate. was just bouncing up and down till it went off and was just too excited to initiate it before upa did.

13: Who tries to get a secret gift for the other one for Valentine’s Day? both really. for nico though it’s hard cause he wants to tell upa what he got nooooow!!!

14: Would your OTP take a walk together in the snow? maybe, it’d have to be a short one though.

15: Which one gets more excited over the first snow of winter? NICO!!!

[kisforkittenxo]

god damnit @calling-alll-skeletons stop making me constantly crave sushi.

[seastarved]

 SO LIKE BRACE YOURSELVES BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING LONG AND I WOULD APOLOGISE BUT MY OTP IS ONLY GETTING MARRIED ONCE SO FUCK IT RIGHT?

OK FIRST OF ALL HELLA TRANSITION AND SECOND OF ALL I LOVE WHAT HE’S WEARING AND THIRD OF ALL HE WORE THE FUCKING EARRING OF MY DEMISE I HATE HIM

AND HIS STUPID PERFECT EYES AND HIS STUPID PERFECT JAWLINE AND HIS STUPID PERFECT EVERYTHING

GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WE GET TO SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP AND LOOK HOW FAR THEY’VE COME. STEP FATHER AND BEST MAN LIKE SO MANY FUCKING TEARS ALREADY

YOU KNOW HE’S SEEN HER. LOOK AT HIS DAMNED FACE. AND SHE’S FUCKING STUNNNINGGGG IN HER DRESS SO I DON’T BLAME HIM AT ALL FOR THIS REACTION LOL

AND THEN FUCKING LOOK AT THIS RIGHT? SNOW IS TAKING DEEP BREATHS, CHARMING IS JUST HAPPY AF AND EMMA FUCKING SWAN IS LOOKING AT KILLIAN JONES AND SHE CAN’T TAKE HER EYES OFF HIM

ANYMORE THAN HE CAN TAKE HIS EYES OFF HER

LOOK AT THIS LOVE DAMNIT I CANNOT BELIEVE WE’RE GETTING TO SEE THIS FUCK

LOOK AT THIS DUMB LITTLE FAMILY AND HOW FAR THEY’VE COME. I LOVE THAT THEY’RE BOTH WALKING HER DOWN THE AISLE AND BOTH HOLDING HER AS SHE GOES AND I’M JUST SO DAMN HAPPY

LOOK AT THIS. FUCKING WHAT IS THIS WITH THE SMILING AND THE KISSING THE CHEEKS

WHAT IS THIS WHO AUTHORISED THIS? TAKE IT AWAY IMMEDIATELY

AND THIS FUCKING HANDSHAKE?! REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS ALL YOU CAN’T EVER DATE MY DAUGHTER EVERRRRR EVER EVER EVER AND NOW FUCKING LOOK. THEY’RE BROS. SUCH BROS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS HOW MANY EMOTIONS I HAVE RN

OMFG LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS THAT HE’S GOT HER HAND IN HIS. THAT DAMN SMILE THAT WON’T QUIT

AND OK WHEN ARCHIE SAYS THAT THEY SHOULD RECITE THEIR VOWS KILLIAN LOOKS AT WHO I’M ASSUMING IS CHARMING OR HENRY, OR PERHAPS THE WHOLE FAMILY, JUST GIVING THEM A SMILE AND IT KILLS ME BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID EMMA SWAN FIND A FAMILY, KILLIAN JONES DID TOOOO

LOOK AT THEM DAMNIT, LOOK AT HOW FUCKING HAPPY ARE OMFGGG

AND THE VOWS, THE DAMNED FUCKING VOWS OMFG THE WAY HE FUCKING LOOKS AT HER

AND THE WAY SHE FUCKING LOOKS AT HIM

AND THE FUCKING AWE IN HIS FACE WHEN HE’S LIKE YOU TAUGHT ME THAT A HEART FULL OF LOVE WAS MORE PRECIOUS THAN ANY TREASURE LIKE HE NEVER THOUGHT IN HIS WILDEST DREAMS THAT THIS COULD EVER FUCKING HAPPEN FOR HIM

AND NOW THAT HE HAS IT, HE WILL NEVER FUCKING LET IT GO AND I AM DEAD AND GONE, A SPIRIT IS TYPING THIS RN

AND FUCK LOOK AT HIM TELLING HER HIS HEART IS HERS

LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE OMG I AM SO EMOTIONAL *THROWS THINGS* *THROWS ALLL THE FUCKING THINGS*

I AM GONNA THROW MY COUCH AT SOMEONE NOW BECAUSE DID YOU HEAR HOW SHE SAYS KILLIAN? ALL SOFT AND TENDER AND LIKE SHE LOVES HIM.

AND OMG HENRY FOUND HER AND THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT HENRY TOO. THERE’S JUST SO MUCH LOVE IN THIS ROOM THAT I AM IN PAIN AND FUCKING LOOK AT THE SOFT WAY THAT KILLIAN LOOKS AT HENRY TOO LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

AND HENRY GOD HENRYYY I AM SO PROUD OF HIM AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE JUST BELIEVED AND LOOK HOW FAR THEY’VE ALL COME FUCK ME

AND SHE FOUND THE REST OF HER FAMILY TOO BECAUSE OF HENRY

AND THEY’RE HERE ON HER FUCKING WEDDING DAY TO HER FUCKING TRUE LOVE OMFG I AM OVERWHELMED

AND SHE LOOKS AT HIM RIGHT AND SHE’S TELLING HIM THESE THINGS ABOUT TRUE LOVE AND FAMILIES

AND FUCK ME IF KILLIAN JONES ISN’T COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IN AWE OF THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF HIM. I AM OF THE OPINION THAT KILLIAN JONES THINKS THAT EMMA SWAN IS MAGIC AND HE IS BESOTTED WITH HER ANEW EVERY SECOND THAT HE LOOKS AT HER

AND THIS MOMENT AND EMMA’S VOWS AND OMFG JUST BECAUSE YOU LEARN THAT YOU COME FROM TRUE LOVE DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL FIND IT

AND YET HERE HE IS AND HERE SHE IS AND IT TOOK CENTURIES AND CURSES AND ADVENTURES THROUGH TIME AND REALMS AND FUCKING

NOW THEY STAND HERE AND SHE SMILES AT HIM THIS WAY 

AND HE SMILES BACK AND THEY HAVE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THEM YOU KNOW? ALL YOU EVER REALLY WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO KNOW YOU, TO SEE YOU, TO KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES, YOUR FAILURES, YOUR SUCCESSES AND TO LOVE YOU ANYWAY. 

AND THEY HAVE THAT AND THEY’RE PROMISING TO NEVER LEAVE

AND GODDDDAMN EVERYTHING HELLLLP BECAUSE HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WITH MYSELF I LOVE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH

AND OK SHE’S PUTTING THE DAMN RING ON AND HE CAN’T STOP STARING AT HER. LIKE HE JUST KEEPS LOOKING AT HER AND SHE IS FUCKING STUNNING, I DON’T BLAME HIM

HANDSSS HANDS ARE THE REASON FOR MY BEING A PUDDLE ON THE FLOOR

HANDS AND THE WAY THEY’RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER

AND THE WAY HE SAYS I DO, HIS EYES UNWAVERING FROM HERS

AND THE WAY SHE DOES THE FUCKING SAME *SLAMS KEYBOARD* WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NONSENSE

LOOK AT THIS SMILE, IT WON’T FUCKING STOP LIKE OMFGGGGGG 

ARCHIE IS ME HERE. HE GETS ME. HE TOO IS MARVELLING AT THE PERFECTION THAT IS THE JOY OF CAPTAIN SWAN.

HUSBAND. AND. WIFE. THE. FUCK. WHAT. HOW. I. CANNOT. BELIEVE

THIS FUCKING PERFECTION I CANNOT DAMN BELIEVE DAMN FUCK

AND I THOUGHT I HAD DIED ENOUGH BUT NO, THERE WAS A FUCKING DIP, HIS HAND CLEAR FUCKING AROUND HER WAIST AND COMING BACK AROUND AND THEN FUCKING

YOU GOT YOUR HAPPY ENDING SWAN LIKE KILLIAN FUCKING JONES AND FUCKING EARRING

AND THEN OK, LEAVING ALONE THE DEVASTATING SMILES AND THE CONTENTMENT RADIATING OFF THEM

AND THE ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER AND THE FUCKING FUCKING EARRING

LEAVING ALONE ALL THIS, YOU HIT ME WITH A HAPPY BEGINNING?! THIS IS UNFAIR AND I AM IN TEARS AND I LOVE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH. I DON’T HAVE THE WORDS

*FALLS OVER*

someone gimme a hug pls

[ianmaverick]

:/

tumblr changed everything for me dawg. i’m back to sitting in class being stressed as shit typing my feelings out. anyway.

i’m the cause of my own stress i know that for sure. but god damn. i’m trying to break out of these cycles and it’s just terrible. it’s not hard but i’m just very aware of what’s going on and i just need to get out of them. fuck. graduation is in like. 3-4 months? march just started. 18 next week. fuck me. ughhhhhhhh. getting older and alll this shit. what the fuck. what the fuck. LET ME GO DAMNIT. 

[hentaihunblog-blog]

Code: Realize ~ Sousei no Himegimi Episode 8

New Post has been published on https://hentaihun.com/blog/2017/11/26/code-realize-sousei-no-himegimi-episode-8/

Code: Realize ~ Sousei no Himegimi Episode 8

I AM SO TRIGGERED RIGHT NOW, I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I KNEW IT. IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME SAINT-GERMAIN’S SECRET WOULD BE REVEALED!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh well you know what, that’s that, we have to live it with, at least I played so I am not spoiled, but if you haven’t played and you didn’t want to be, I feel for you, I really do. If you have not watched the episode yet, and you don’t want to be spoiled, stop reading right here because I can’t hold back since they revealed Saint-Germain’s secret.

BUT MY EMOTIONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTIONS SAINT-GERMAIN PULLS MY HEART STRINGS SO MUCH, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT DAMNIT. AHHH! Okay truth to be told, even if you are spoiled, you’re probably going to enjoy playing his route because OF ALLL THE FEELSSSS!!!!!!!

This episode was really good. In fact, I would say this is the strongest episode to date. The pace was just right, not too fast and not too slow, it made the episode feel longer than usual but without feelings like wasting time. In the last post, I wasn’t quite sure how they were going to use the remaining episodes, but now I have a lot more faith everything is probably going to fall into place and this would mean the adaption wrapping up on a high note. It also helped how the execution of the events were exciting to watch as well. I knew Lupin was going to be shot, but I still shouted, “OH SHIT. LUPIN SHOT. AND DOWN.”

For one I appreciated the amount of time and detail they put into the terrorist attacks unfolding, and it’s very different to see it unfolding on screen than in literary text that doesn’t go as deep as a novel would in terms of delivering the event. I also felt the Queen’s delivery was much stronger this time than the last we saw her. Twilight is pulling a Coup D’Etat, but the lady’s a dignified badass, and tough as steel, so she may say its laughable to be working alongside a band of thieves, but when it comes to dealing with a common enemy she can’t stand, she isn’t going to pass up on the opportunity to crush them on a united front. Oh and I don’t know about you guys, I ship Leonhardt x Queen Victoria so hard, I can’t remember which route is it, maybe Victor’s, but AHHHHHHHH THE WAY THE TWO INTERACT AND THEIR BACKSTORY, I CAN’T!

Ahem, but most importantly, I liked the way they revealed Saint-Germain’s secret, and delivered his scenes, especially how conflicted he is over his task of assassinating Cardia.

So Saint-Germain is an apostle of an organization called Idea. Their job is to oversee Humanity and prevent them from going astray from their original path. One of his colleagues, Guinevere shows up to Saint-Germain tells him he needs to kill Cardia now since they are running out of time. But Saint-Germain doesn’t want to. He wants to believe she and their friends can defy the fate that looms over them, so he pleads for more time. He later finds Cardia, and confesses everything to her, he even tells her how he loves her and the others, (although I can go on and on about him loving Cardia, but I’m going to hold back because you’ll never hear the end of it) and how he has been tasked to kill her. Of course he’s not going to kill her, he loves her too much and wants to believe in her, but I think he (if I recall correctly) is going to introduce her to his leader in attempt to buy more time.

Now Cardia faces a tough situation. She is in a very difficult position because she now knows the true purpose of Code: Realize, a plot to rebel against God, and how it’s not just the poison, but her very existence is a threat to all of humanity. Eliminating her is essential for putting a stop to Isaac’s plans. Basically it’s the gist of it is, Finis is the Vessel and Cardia is the one who carries the Horologium, and in order to put the plan into action, they are to fuse together and reign destruction by basically ending the world to start anew. The girl has a lot of weight on her shoulders right now, and the timing is especially sad since she finally had the confidence to declare she is not a monster.

The only thing I realized that is sorely lacking so far is the fact I felt Cardia was more engaged with fights in game during this event than what we saw today. There were a couple of missed opportunities for them to truly showcase her “abilities” she picked from her lessons, but the only scene she actually contributed in any way was using her poison to melt the lock, which is disappointing to say the least.

Then there is the matter of Finis. I don’t know, I feel like he is being underplayed a bit, especially since they skipped Isaac’s Lab event. While they may have avoided repetitive dialogue taking place one episode apart, I still think it watered down his impact. Finis is an asshole, but a clever one. He is always one step ahead of the rest and outwits them, just as he had today. He knew they would try to save the Queen, so he blocked off their escape path and met them there. But if there’s one redeeming factor, at least his voice actor is nailing his insanity, the guy always sounds crazy every time he interacts with Cardia, not to mention his obsession with their father.

Lastly, while Saint-Germain finally had a turn of being in the spotlight for a bit this week, there is one man who also threw me off the cliff of feels and that was just Van smiling at Cardia. I lost it. THAT SMILE OKAY?! IT PIERCED THROUGH MY HEARTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

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[iamprish1-blog]

I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me. 

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family  3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

. . . . . . . .. . . . .. .. .  .. . . .. . . 

[mtnkat3]

Sa.9.24.2022 12.14am

I wasn't gonna get on here for a few days but I felt compelled..

And after a weird day.. yet another trial. Extreme vertigo/loss of equilibrium from evidently an allergy/asthma/ sinus infection. I haven't been able to stand at all. Look like an extremely inebriated person. And of course, that means nausea. So I took it to mean I better rest today. I assume God telling me the panic attacks took so much out of me that my body needs more sleep. So now I'm gonna take some mucinex PM & try to sleep.

But this started...2am last night. When my cat woke me trying to jump from my recliner back onto the dining room table behind me. She knows that's gonna get a swat. Lol. I went to bed & laid there. Again. Before exhaustion took.

But I've been thinking about... dreaming about... You...Alll alll day... feeling like God wanted me to rest so He could show me things..

But.. alll I can think about is being so near to You Alll on those balconies...but so far away.. it's why I was bawling. On both. I felt Your...Alll's souls presence... I felt Your...Alll's eyes... glimpses... I don't know... whimpering moan.

I only know... I love You Alll. And I've never stopped. I can't dang it!

Even when it took me so much pain & effort to go... to.. be.. rejected. I had to. At least be that close. I had to. Tears sliding.

Having this fatsuit... it was excruciating pain to know ... rejection would probably be.. but I had to. I love You Alll. I had to be there.

I don't know where I've gone wrong.. I don't know why God is allowing all these obstacles.

But I know this.. it's never a mistake to love & give of myself.

I gave the keys to me a long time ago. Though I have stumbled, You Alll have Alllways owned them. One set of keys ... gripped in Your...Alll's hands... I don't know.. will I.. ever?

I pray so.

Because I'll be God's warrior queen nun until I am in Your...Alll's arms.

I cannot even fathom letting another soul near me. I've always been a touchy feely woman, hugging my friends. But that changed with wh.. & now .. now I want .. crave..need.. desire.. am going bonkers for... Your...Alll's only.

Do You Alll understand???

I love You...Alll.

I cannot live without You Alll in my life anymore.

I think one of the things God showed me was the book I started writing... in 1999. It was You...Alll & I.

I have waited my whole life for You...Alll to be so close to me. To have the right.. the freedom.. to touch each of You Alll whenever I want to. To feel Your...Alll's skin under my fingertips.. to learn every inch of You...Alll... I want to know the physical... heart, mind, body, soul & spirit. There isn't a part of each of You...Alll I don't wanna know.

Because I don't know... You Alll.. 1..2..3.. I don't know.. I don't flipping know!!! After all these years I have loved the souls I fell in love with! You Alll protected me but damnit all! I need You Alll!!!

To climb into the shower when I feel You Alll needing comfort.. to know that each night You Alll want to hold me close & spoon me.. to hold me so tight I feel cocooned & safe & loved. Wrapped up in Your...Alll's arms of love. I want to wake with my face plastered against Your...Alll's necks... feeling the prickles of beard stumble.. to wear beard rash on my sensitive skin with pride. I want...crave to... kiss Your...Alll's hearts...often. to feel Your...Alll's skin shiver from my touch... just as I do You Alll.

I want to be the best me that resides within. After all the hard work, after enduring things to be corrected, after enduring.. this hellhole life.

I want to build a life. With my soul's Mate/s. The legacy that God has shown me. The Miracles He is showing me..

But what I want right now... to dig my fingers into Your...Alll's skin.. hair... stare into those precious eyes.. I whisper to Your...Alll's souls... I love You. I adore You. Only You...Alll. Ever.

The rings I wear... Your...Alll's.

The pendants... Your...Alll's.

Every night they are nestled in my boobs & as I stare out into the forest at the huge pine tree... my Love/s... I wait.

And I will.

For eternity.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Even though Lifeway Christian Bookstores closed their retail stores, I will never forget the day I bought this pendant, nor the 4x6 Bible I carry around with me. Sometimes I don't always understand until God puts a different light on things.

My Love/s...

I pray You...Alll can forgive me all my screw ups over the years.

And that You Alll love me too.

Want me. As I want You Alll.

I won't give up.

The finish line is too dang close now.

But I will never give up.

I just pray... the patient man... whimpering. Please.. that You Alll love me.

Even when.. I know.. I have a lot to make up for.

But I don't know. My gosh! I wish it were raining & I had a balcony right now! Because I wanna scream! I don't know! I only know that God is telling me to not let go.

Heck, I feel like .. I want the 1.47am post, the penned now & another I wrote to be penned. But dang tumblr doesn't do that. And I'm not taking down that one now.

The thought of You...Alll.. behind me... something I never allow. To feel that safe.. loved.. cherish.. to feel Your...Alll's hands... touch me.. please.. I feel You...Alll against the veil. Touch.. OMG...please... the moment I am able to feel Your...Alll's presence surrounding me physically... OMG...please... God... please...

I miss You Alll. Badly. So painful..

But I know, in the marrow of my bones..

I will wait for You Alll.

Widows walk, boat dock, mountain cliff.. matters not.

I will wait for You Alll.

And keep touching the veil until God shatters it & we feel one another.

Forever.

Because.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

I love You...Alll.

I can't ever stop!

And dang it I wanna be touching Your...Alll's souls rather than damned technology!

I love You...Alll!!!

Bowing my head..sliding to my knees.. surrendering...

I love You Alll.

Please...

God help me.

Please.

Your bowed, humbled, bewildered, listening, sad, scared... daughter,

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix.

Sa.9.24.2022 1.29am

👩🤓☔💡⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽 🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵⌚⚡🌠🔱⚜🗝💝♠️🧩🔆♾🌎🎯🧭💫🕯💋🎶😴💤

[mtnkat3]

1.36pm

DPOne my Love/s???

As I sit down shaking..

Meaning that the only way I'm going to overcome my insecurities is for me to make this trek by myself?

That You/Alll... are waiting... to seee if I do it.

[I made the vows the promise, the commitment. I will be somewhere along the gulf. You/Alll will have that as I drive.]

But also to ... fry...grill...bbq the hell outta my ass??? Roast me good? Kinda feels like that's what's been happening but I just don't know.

It's hard to look in the mirror in slim fitting knit dresses & seee...my tummy. That I have lots I bought with You/Alll in mind... but I'm so embarrassed. Going thru these bins... it's hard knowing what I know I look like... vs ...now.

It's a big part of my nerves. I'm ashamed of myself. So I'm having a hard time getting around it... thru it...over it.

To seee what You/Alll seee.

I really am working on myself.

But this... praying You/Alll love me chubby & slim.

I'll never be petite nor skinny. 5'9" & 40 inch hips precludes that. But... blushing beet red bowing my head. I should only be this size... pregnant. I've had that thought a lot. 😣🙊🙇‍♀️

nerves about my health.

About the things I don't know. The things I have a wrong perception of?

The things the adversary is using to keep You/Alll & I from being happy.

The unknown.

The long drive. I haven't driven to the gulf coast ever. But the last to the Cape was 2013. As I am familiar with I-95. My only knowledge of I-75 & Tampa was having to act as traffic navigator for wh. So yes, I am nervous. And... my glasses.

The thing that keeps me going... God made me this way. I am a cinnabon!!!

Once I say I'm gonna do something I do it. Damnit.

I am not backing down. Away. Going anywhere but straight to You/Alll & the Florida coast!!!

Just wish I'd had more packing & reflecting time. I think 2 days. But I'm doing it now. Whether I'm up all night or not.

I keep thinking about...

1- I want to be with You/Alll. Badly.

2- I don't want to interrupt family times. Nor work for You DPOne.

3- where should I land.

I know surprises... all that jazz.

Usually I'm ok with surprises. Welll...used to be. The good kind!

I am ~so~ tired of my nerves, fears, insecurities.

I am tired of them!!!

Jesus in Your Name rebuke these nasty things! Insecurities, & fears of the unknown.

I have no control but what You give me Lord. This is what I need to keep in mind do what I must & keep my faith strong in You for the rest!!!

I have walked this journey with You alone Jesus! You have guided me home to my soul's Mate/s & given me the reasons I needed to push myself!

Thank You for loving me Jesus!!!

Thank You/Alll my precious beloved Mate/s for loving me, believing in me, not giving up on me, & really...knowing me.

For knowing that I need challenges... even ones like these. Even when they are excruciatingly painful. I wouldn't have thought anything worse than what I'd already been thru. God makes sure to remind us alll who is really in control.

Bowing my head.

Thank You Alll for loving me.

I know I'm hard to love.🎶😣🙊🙇‍♀️😔

But would You/Alll want me any other way?

Yes, I am thinking about each of You/Alll. Wanting each of You/Alll. my Love/s, Bear/s, my Alpha/s Warrior/s Mate/s King/s. Praying for alll of them....

And yeah DOne I'm thinking about Your sexy maverick self out there on the beach. I hope You are laughing & having fun with Your daughter.

Praying that it's ok for me.... 😔🙇‍♀️🙏

I will not interrupt family time.

But I will be near You/Alll.

I'm just scared.

But I am packing. Which for me, there is no turning back. The commitment is made.

To each of You/Alll.

DOne. DPOne. & Alll.

I love You/Alll endlessly.

OMG... please Bear... I'm gonna find You/Alll... You/Alll remember... whimpering moan...

I am ~Your's/s'.~🌺

DOne, DPOne, & Alll. 🔆

🔱💖🐻💓🦌💝⚜♠️🗝🧩♾⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌻🌹🌷🌳🧶🧵🔆🌠🌂🔗🎯🧭☔📍☎️😔🕯

2.27pm

Multiple interruptions & trying to gather my thoughts. I think might be a bit gumbled. ~Your's/s' TkP. 🙄😳🙈🙊🤦‍♀️🙇‍♀️

[mtnkat3]

11.13am

Wth!?!?!?

DOne!!!!!!!!??????

Way in earth!?!?!?!?!?

I've been waiting on You alll morning!!!!!

I kept leap frogging You up too!!!!

I love You DOne!!!

I love You/Alll!!!

Why!?!?!?!?

You/Alll are seriously making my brain explode!!!

What do You/Alll want from me!?!?!?!?

I swear I hate social media.

I do.

I was not ignoring You DOne!!!

I thought You were asleep, then a busy Monday morning.

That's it.

I was trying to be a good kat.

Damnit alll tonfreaking hell & God bless the usa & all it subsidiaries & Guam too!!!

Geeish louise!!!!

Are You/Alll trying to make me bonkers?!?!?!?!?!

I haven't even taken my meds yet!!!

I have been so focused on You/Alll!!!

Damnit!!!!

DOne get Your ass over here!!!

You/Alll want my spunky self...welll... You/Alll should've remembered what it takes to rile me.

And then calm me back down.

I am a TNT ignited!!!!

I freaking love You DOne & You better not give up on me!!!

I am trying to be my best for Alll of You/Alll.

And I'm feeling like a yo-yo between You/Alll right now!!!

Why on God's green earth would You DOne ever think such a thing!?!?!?!?

I freaking adore You!!!!

What do You/Alll want of me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I am!!! Your's/s'!!!

DOne!!! DPOne!!! &Alll!!!

& You/Alll better freaking remember that!!!!

11.24am

[mtnkat3]

Th.9.22.2022 5.07pm

This is so hard to write about for me.

But this post... it's my truth.

And the last month has been one of heartbreak, loss, pain. And terror.

The reason I did the apology to you both separately was because I wanted to make sure that my sorrow didn't get mired in all of my emotional feelings.

I must tell You Alll this.

Last week, after I lost seeing...

I lost it.

I was in full blown losing my shit panic attacks all week.

I knew though that it wasn't natural.

Even in my terror, even feeling so alone & afraid I KNEW that wasn't me. The emotions were very real. But were being amplified it turns out by a new medication.

I was so scared I had to do something that I am still upset about. I had to have human contact. So when wh heard me screaming, wailing, crying, unable to stand still. Unable to find any calm. I had to hold his forearm. In all honesty, it really made things worse for me. Because I know that my depression is all about him, this house, years of being unwanted & unappreciated. It just all came to roost last Monday.

I finally found out that even cholesterol meds that are old enough for a generic [~20 years is usual length of a patent that then a generic can be formed.] Even then can have negative effects!. That even a dang pharmacist can vacillate! [Dither or be wishy-washy.]

I finally looked up the med on rxlist.com & found out that Zetia had EVERY FLIPPING SYMPTOM I WAS FEELING OUT OF CONTROL WITH.

[& no I won't take zoloft nor any ssri, because the patient leaflet, they also would exacerbate my anxiety symptoms. Lexapro made me sleep +12 hrs!

As I spoke to a friend, I need to do with lifestyle, food, diet, exercise, sleep, reading, studying, therapy. NOT MEDS.]

Never in my life have I felt like that.

[I have had only 3 other attacks that I'm aware of. They did not have nearly such debilitating effects on me. Well, except the 2013 episode in a Holiday Inn Express room jacuzzi tub. That. That was awful. Alone.]

But what this tells me is that depression & anxiety aren't natural to me. Nor hereditary. They're situational.

They are making me take a hard look at myself.

And to reach out to God.

Because my faith is sacrosanct.

God has never left my side.

Even when I screw up.

HE STILL LOVES ME.

Believe me, this is a BIG issue for me.

I know that I have problems with insecurity, about my self esteem, etc.

But the if that I might have come across this year as a needy desperate woman makes my soul cringe.

That ain't me.

I usually stand up & people back down.

Don't know why, just always been that way.

No. my issues are that God put this fatsuit on me to keep wh away from me.

[Yes ~if~ !!! Because I hope & pray that my Mate/s ~do~ understand me & know that's not the perception of me I want him...them... my gosh that hurts! God & You...Alll know! DAMNIT ALL!!!! ARGH! To have of me!

Btw. This is REALLY HARD for me to write. I've needed to since last Wednesday but... I started hyperventilating & crying every time I thought about it.

[Me crying hard, it ain't pretty. But it's raw, honest, real, & loud when I'm so upset.]

Quite simply.

I miss You...Alll.

You...Alll & God know the truth.

I can only pray to God that I am doing right & He will work Miracles.

It was a miracle when I met You...Alll back then.

But right now.. I don't know what to think anymore.

I only know I heard Your...Alll's words, & actions. Loud & clear.

And I have been deeply affected.

Now before I'm misconstrued.

THANK YOU...ALLL.

Why?

You each made me think & take a look at myself.

Yes, I am in touch with a Christian counseling service.

Just waiting to get an appt.

But I also reached out to friends that I know care about me as a person.

Even when I haven't been such a good friend & was focused on well... I don't know anymore... bowed.

Yes I am still having anxiety, but I am slowly feeling better.

[Still having problems with being in shower. Thinking that's the allergy/asthma thing. Time of year.]

but one thing I know, I am not using other people as a crutch. But I am gonna stay in touch with those people.

Heck, I have the dilemma that one lady is an ex-sis, so gotta deal with that. But being told I'm not a burden, nuisance, inconvenience, etc. That I am loved, for me.. When I'm laying in bed thinking about this post & crying I've heard her say that & then pray for me ... I sit up on the side of my bed & cry. Stare out into the dark & see ... my oaks, huge pine tree that's ~75~100 years old.. & I think. & pray. & beg God.

Yeah. I need to be ok alone. Again. I need to be ok with not being liked. I need to grow & deal with my issues. That means I need to do what I should've done when I was 24yo. I need to live alone & remember that I was raised to be self reliant & sufficient. But I was also raised a southern woman. Went from parents to wh. No matter how wrong the years with wh have been, I have learned a lot. Both good, & bad.

And yes, I have shared here more than I ever wanted to. Because I thought I was talking to my soul's Mate.../s.

I no longer know which way to turn.

So basically I won't be on here very much anymore.

I came back on here because of well...

Sob.

The reason I am writing this on the 1.47am post is because

1-it's still VERY reliant. I feel this way!

2-wake up t, it's been a month, move your dang ass!

Yes, I did stand on those balconies. Yes, in the panhandle there was a massive storm & I was in a corner unit. Yes, I stood there in leopard print lounge pants & a tank top & turned my face up & let the rain soak me. Yes, I will do so again.

Rain is cleansing. But my soul is so tired of walking life alone without my Mate/s..

But it's my tears talking to God because He knows this soul He Created me just the way He wants me.

That means empathetic, sensitive, & I invest in people so deeply I get hurt badly when I'm walked away from/ghosted/blocked/etc. Or my mom showing me total lack of caring answering other calls on me!

Yes, I'm one of them girls.🎶

I've never been the type to give out my number/info to people that I don't want in my life.

And my Love/s... I gave every blasted piece of information about me known to man.. even my Google Play ebooks list.

[I haven't read anything but educational & healing since February.]

And no, I don't want to be a ghost story. I want to be the woman in my soul's Mate/s souls that want to be with me.

That crave me the way I do him...them... sob.

I crave to be spooned by my Love/s every night.. Forever.

[I know couples in my church that have beautiful relationships that..]

[Raised southern Baptist. Now Apostolic. All about the Bible & His Creation for me. I loathe "country club/networking" "churches".]

[The radio songs were affecting my writing there. Maybe a bit disjointed. But I've felt disjointed & disconcerted these last 2 weeks now.😳🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️]

I'm still reeling from the loss.

But I also own that it's all my fault too.

I still need to understand why & where I screwed up.

But whys... omg I loathe why now!!!

But I still feel like there's things that I don't know & won't. Not until I am away.

The irony is that I have my name back. And have my personal info restored. But I am waiting on things that are outside of my control.

And that right there is it.

Control.

Something that I realized last week. [& yes, I don't wanna write this here but what choice do I really have. I ~know~ in my soul that my Mate/s are reading & hearing me. I know.. but I don't know everything.. bowed. It really does have an affect on me. But it's all up to me.

Just as I realized this.

& it's embarrassing.

I rebelled after my Christmas '20 surgery. I needed to rest & recuperate.

But. wh barely gave me 3 days before he got pissy about doing household chores.

I could barely move I was in so much pain but I had to take care of my cat's litterbox & food because he wouldn't. Just as has never helped.

That's my lesson.

Every bit of work to clean this house.. is up to me alone.

I had originally budgeted 2 weeks for each of the 6 rooms I need to cull/clean. But because of all the moving parts I'm being forced to wait on, & my health, sigh, it's looking more like 3~4 weeks. Not happy about that. At all.

But.

Focus. Patience. Perseverance. Discipline vs regret. I heard Your...Alll's souls.. words.

In a life overwhelmed with regrets that I'm sick to death of.

It's my life.

& it's my responsibility to fix it.

And I pray that the patient man... sob.

I pray that the fury is at the adversary hurdles & not ... never speaking to me again.

Sob.

I only know.. that I don't know.

I know this...

I love You...Alll.

God help me.

Please.

I won't be here so much because I am actually getting the work done to be.. me.

[Maybe once or twice a day, or week. That I need to decide.]

But I won't be here much because I need to focus & I think this is obvious but..

social media isn't a good thing for an infj/ overthinking/empathetic/sensitive/ investor of people of a woman.

I won't apologize for caring though. Caring about those that I feel connected to is who I am.

Just as I will protect & take care of those I care about & those in their lives. That means something to me.

I am affected by my own feelings.

And my own behavior. The good & the bad.

And I learn, grow.

I just pray..

That I am Blessed to make things right.

Alll I was want... is to shower my soul's Mate.../s with love. Treat him.. them...

God in Heaven please...

Treat my Love/s as the precious priceless treasures that he... they... whimpering sob. Are.

Bowed.

God... please.

You...Alll know..

Please.

I love You...Alll.

I miss You Alll.

Even though I feel very alone now ... I do feel God's Plan coming, & He knows... as I feel You...Alll do tooo. I know that I await God's Plan.

I wait for Him as I work, so that He can then move me to where I'm meant to be for my soul's Mate/s to find me.

Because though I am an Alpha submissive woman, I am not gonna chase. Grimace. I learned. But is it that if running to my Mate/s...

If... whimpering sob... if... You Alll want me... I will be here.

You...Alll know where to, & how to, find me. Same info.

My gosh it hurts to be separated from You...Alll.

But I have written & exposed myself way too much as it is.

I love You...Alll. God help me. Please.

I cannot give up.

I never will.

I love You...Alll

& I Alllways will.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Breathing thru my anxious tummy.

God please ...

Your anxious, scared, humbled... bowed... daughter,

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix.

9.55 10.39pm est. Written in diary.

👩🤓☔💡⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚖🗽

🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵 ⌚⚡🌠🌎🎯🧭🗝🔱⚜💝♠️🧩♾💫🎗🕯

1.47am see I don't understand why... why ...my birthday... sobbing into my pillow as I listen to the ran in the trees & the crickets. Am I really such a terrible person...??? I stood on that balcony sobbing too. I stood in the panhandle one, much quieter area btw, & the post that got screwed. Well... I stood there praying to be struck⚡. I stood there in that storm & probably would've continued to but I got soaked & well... it was the corner & people in the restaurant could see this crazy woman standing in the wind & driving rain with my face up crying. Well... The thought of losing my soul's mates... I still don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am writing raw. Yes there are things I just cannot say here. Thoughts, instincts,...my soul & heart though...screaming... one thing. I love You Alll. So. I am confused. Hurt. In pain. Feeling rejected. Alone. I hurt more now than I did back then. I've been carrying around that scarf I posted. Tucked in my purse. Like a dang blanky. I've been trying to tell myself that I was wrong. That I imagined it all since well...then. that it was a fantasy that could never happen anyways. But there's so many things screaming at me NO! My brain is saying they don't want you t. Told me to take a hike of a cliff & not come back. By words, & actions. But my soul ... sobbing. I cannot stop! And IF I am wrong... I am sorry! But am I!?!?!? All I've ever wanted to do was love You Alll. To make sure You Alll feel like he-man! Well... it was that my version of superman & batman & bears & .... anyways.

I...love You Alll. God help me.

I love You Alll & miss You Alll & not knowing is killing me.

Am I an idiot or...

Only You Alll & God know the truth. Of everything.

I'm gonna try for sleep but it's hit or miss these days. More than likely lay in bed & listen to the rain & crickets & let my pillow hide my tears.

Good night.

Covering my head in trepidation. I feel so exposed & vulnerable. Scared outta my ever loving mind that I'm a dolt.

God...please...

Knock me into oblivion of sleep. Don't wake me up if I'm wrong. The thought is just too dsmn painful.

Your scared daughter,

~TkP.

Su.8.21.3022 2.23am sending...

Fyi...I drove 11 hours to avoid this place. I-10, I-75,... when I could've shorted it thru Alabama by several hours. That's how bad I wanted to not come back. But. My cat. My life of stuff. I mean I have my baby books & everything here. Plus a lot of irreplaceable things like my grandma's sewing machine. I was yelled at that I better not leave any of it!