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razzle-zazzle · 2 months ago

Text

1896 words; post-canon

Secret Santa for @loudlychoppedbread! A oneshot of Lili flirting with Raz via bad pickup lines!

AO3 ver

Lili needed to get Raz to visit her garden more often.

Well, maybe not. It was her space, as nice as it was to have Raz help her with the flowers. Even if his herbaphony was next to nonexistent and his green thumb was more like a small thumbnail. But it was nice to share this with him, and he was just so…

A jet of water splattered onto the begonia in front of her, putting out the flame that had started eating at the leaves. Lili flinched back, face flushing as she realized she what she had almost done in her distraction.

“You okay?” Raz asked, pulling the watering can away from the begonia. “Usually I’m the one setting your plants on fire.” He added, a small grin at his little joke.

Lili snorted. “That was one time.” She physically stepped back from the begonia, and mentally stepped back from thinking about stupid boys with cute faces and heroic attitudes that made her want to cup that face in her hands and just shake it for being so stupid and cute and frustratingly endearing—

The smell of burnt hair was the only warning Lili got before the watering can was turned upon her, Raz standing upon a levball as he put out the tiny flame. She shrieked, startled. Raz snickered. See? I can water the lilies just fine! He grinned, thought trickling down into Lili’s brain.

“I’ll get you for that!” Lili declared, lunging forwards. Raz yelled, levball rolling back before he tumbled off of it entirely, flipping backwards away from Lili’s tackle. The watering can fell to the ground, forgotten in the chaos as Lili and Raz tumbled around in the grass. The plants were shouting in their own way, either encouraging the tussle or demanding it stop before something got trampled.

So, yeah. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to have Raz in her garden. Or near her at all.

But Lili was better than this! She wasn’t gonna let some stupid crush get to her! She was gonna take this crush and crush it the best way she knew: by flirting.

As this was a matter of the utmost importance, Lili had to pull out the Big Guns. She’d hesitated to do this, both because there were bigger things to worry about and because she wasn’t sure yet—but now it was time to come out and say it.

“Did it hurt?” Lili asked, not quite blurting the words out but still speaking more abruptly than she wanted.

“Did what hurt?” Raz asked, eyebrows drawing together in confusion. For a single, precarious moment, the very concept of words fled Lili’s mind, replaced by flames and only flames. Raz stared at her, expecting a response. Lili stared back. Stalemate.

“When you fell from heaven!” Lili blurted. The tulips startled at the sound, but Raz—

“Um.” Raz’ face flushed, slightly, before he recovered his bravado, “Of course not. I learned how to fall before I learned how to walk.”

Now it was Lili’s turn to be flustered—that wasn’t how she expected him to react. But she probably should have expected it, given Raz’ acrobatic proficiency and general… Raz-ness. Still, she would not be so easily cowed.

“Yeah, well, if you were a vegetable,” Lili started, grabbing Raz’ gloved hand in hers, “You’d be a cute-cumber.”

Pink and white streamers shot from Raz’ mind to hers, flustered snarls of flattery tangling their link. His mouth opened, face flushed as he fumbled for words.

“You’re cute too!” He managed, through the swoon clawing at his mind. Lili giggled, satisfied with her victory—no, wait, Raz was floating up into the air—Lili snagged Raz’ hand, yanking im back down to earth. He landed on her with a dull thud that knocked the air out of both of them.

After a moment, Lili laughed.

+=+=+=+=+

Lili hopped off the balance beam, having successfully made her way across it with minimal wobbling.

“You did it!” Raz cheered, grabbing her hand.

“Of course I did.” Lili agreed, squeezing Raz’ hand back. His mind sloshed against hers, tangly vines creeping between the two of them as they giggled. The perfect moment!

“Are you from Tennessee?” Lili asked. At Raz’ confused look, she elaborated, “Because you’re the only ten I see.” A prime line, taken directly from observing her dad in action—so it was guaranteed to work.

And work it did, because Raz’ giggle turned into a squeak. He started to float, his grip on Lili’s hand tightening—

“That has got to be the lamest pickup line I’ve ever heard.” Dion chuckled, perched up on a tree branch overhead. He jumped off, flipping through the air on his way down. He rolled as he hit the ground, coming to a stop just in front of them.

Raz scoffed, eyes already rolling. “Yeah, because you hear so many pickup lines.”

“Mmhm.” Dion nodded, blatantly ignoring Raz’ sarcasm. “Tons.” He grinned, only to look at Raz again and double-take. “Why are you floating.” He grit out, sounding annoyed but broadcasting wary.

“I’m not floating.” Raz denied, pulling on Lili’s arm and landing back on the ground very suddenly.

Dion’s eyebrows quirked in disbelief, before he visibly decided it didn’t matter. “Whatever. Mom wanted me to ask if you were gonna stay for dinner.”

Lili’s eyes narrowed. She didn’t know Raz’ older brother very well, but what she did know of him she didn’t like very much. “My pickup lines are great, actually.” She interjected, pulling her hand from Raz’ so she could put both hands on her hips for a good and proper glare. It probably wouldn’t be too rude to set Raz’ brother on fire, right? She could probably put it out before any real damage was done. Probably.

“I don’t care if you’re ten or whatever, your pickup lines suck.” Dion said, and now Lili really wanted to set him on fire. She opened her mouth to retort—

“Well, I like them!” Raz interjected. Whatever he was about to say next was cut off by the sound of a levboard grinding to a halt as Gisu came to a stop next to the group. “Sup?” She greeted, one foot on the ground, the other on her levboard.

“Hey.” Dion greeted, the look on his face a little bit similar to the way Raz sometimes looked at Lili. Lili resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She didn’t get why or how, but somehow putting Gisu and Dion together made them both so lame.

Gisu grinned, something like determination leaching off of her. “Just wanted to say,” she started, “If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be the McGorgeous.” She wiggled her eyebrows, smug grin threatening to shake into laughter the longer she stood there. “And babe, I am starving.”

Dion brought a hand to his mouth to cover a scuffed laugh, flush dusting his cheeks. Infatuation rolled off him in waves, so obvious that Lili probably didn’t even need to be psychic to notice it. Ewwwwww.

“That was awful.” Lili opined. Neither Dion nor Gisu seemed to care, though, already darting away on Gisu’s levboard with stupid sappy grins on their faces. Geez, Lili and Raz didn’t look at all like that when they were together. Not at all!

“I don’t get what she sees in him.” Raz said. He tentatively reached out, grasping Lili’s hand in his. Lili squeezed back, and resolved to put weird older brothers out of her mind.

“You know, if I could rearrange the alphabet,” Lili started, “I think I’d put U and I together.” She grinned as Raz blushed, rising a few inches into the air. Boldened by the victory, she continued. “You hear that?”

“Hear what?” Raz asked.

“Sounds like we’re near an airport!” Lili declared, squeezing Raz’ hand. “Because my heart is taking off!”

It took a solid ten minutes before Raz came back down.

+=+=+=+=+

Lili frowned. Francis needed more water, Fred needed a little more sun, and Fiona was complaining about aphids even though there were ladybugs all over—

“Hey, Lili!” Raz’ voice broke through her thoughts, his mental presence a calm balm against Lili’s rising frustrations. And also another source of frustration. But mostly a balm.

Lili turned her attention away from the begonias to look at Raz, who was balanced on a levball. “Yeah?”

Raz grinned. “Wanna see me do a flip?” He asked, bouncing in place.

“O…kay?” That was weird. Raz never asked to do flips or cartwheels—he just did them, when he felt like it. Lili could tell he was planning something, but when she probed with her mind, a wave of mischievous winking and wait-and-sees blocked her out.

“Watch this!” Raz rolled his levball, looking ready to launch into a flip—

“Ow!” Raz declared, stumbling forwards, levball popping beneath him. His knees hit the dirt, and his head was quick to follow, only for his arms to hit the ground first and transfer his momentum into a somersault. A somersault that ended with him prone on the ground, face in the dirt as he groaned, but a somersault nonetheless.

“Wh—are you okay?” Lili grabbed Raz’ shoulder, hauling him back up. He flopped down, limp against her hold, and Lili almost dropped him floundering for something she could use to help—

Raz rolled over, throwing his arm over his forehead. “Lili…” He groaned, face pinched in pain.

“What?” Lili demanded, kneeling down beside him. “Did you break something?”

“I need…” Raz sighed dramatically, one eye cracking open to look at her before slipping closed again, “I need first aid.” He said, his other hand falling over his chest. “Because I hurt my knees falling head over heels for you.” He finished, his head lolling to the side and his tongue falling out of his mouth with one, final, “blegh.”

Lili froze. All of her earlier panic slammed face-first into the wall of realization as it hit her what Raz was actually doing. “You—” Her face burned, her chest suddenly very light—almost weightless. The ground fell away from her, Raz sinking down as that weightless feeling grew out from her chest into her arms and legs. She curled up, burying her face in her knees to muffle a flustered scream as the ground continued to sink down away from her. Unfair! That was so unfair!

“Lili?!” Raz’ eyes were open wide now as he stared up at her. She floated a little higher, squeezing her knees against her chest as though it might soothe the fire burning up her brain. Stupid cute boys with heroic streaks who were nice and cute and made her want to bite her own pigtails and punch him in the shoulder—

Raz’ hands grabbed onto her arm, pulling Lili from her thoughts. He was standing on a levball, arms stretched as far as he could reach in order to grab onto Lili before she floated off entirely.

“Stop being so cute.” Lili grumbled, uncurling just enough to grab Raz’ hands in hers.

“I could say the same to you.” Raz flirted back, the weightlessness coming back in full force. Lili gasped, fumbling for a response that would send Raz floating right up into the air with her—

No words came to mind. Their feelings intertwined, and Raz floated up without Lili needing to say anything at all.

It took a long time for them to come back down.

#zaz writes #psychonautssecretsanta2024 #lili zanotto #razputin aquato #with bonus appearances from #dion aquato #gisu nariman #psychonauts #THIS WAS SO FUN TO WRITE ACTUALLY #though that is largely bc i got to peruse various lists of awful pickup lines searching for only the best stinkers to have lili say #the moment i saw the prompt the joke about dion going “your pickup lines suck” to lili only for gisu to show up and say a worse one #came to me out of the ether like a vision. i'm so glad i got to write that bit it makes me laugh like an idiot #this was fun! haven't been giving lili enough attention in my writing lately so this was a good change of pace!!!#also. i was listening to bug hunter's ''be glad i love you (go to bed)'' on loop as i wrote this #bc that is SUCH a razlili song to me. like it fits those goobers too well tbh

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