#Gerri is a virgo with a taurus moon
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shvroyism · 2 years ago
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If there is one thing I am 100% convinced of, is the fact that Kendall Roy is a cancer sun, with a scorpio moon and a capricorn rising
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l3xistentialism · 2 years ago
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Logan Roy’s Birth Chart.
Obviously this is my interpretation from my perspective on his character on the show.
Not an astrologer, yet.
Age: 81 years old - born 1942
His birthday appears to be in the Fall or Spring.
So… Sun in Aries/Taurus or Libra/Scorpio
✨Emotionally manipulative, emotionally volatile, obsessive (acquiring PGN)
-Scorpio Moon
✨Loud, vulgar: Aries/Scorpio Mercury
-Leaning more towards Scorpio because
-The way he uses language to coerce
-The fact that some of his most cutting lines weren’t delivered with volume
✨Attracted to women who either work for him (Marcia/Kerry) or can provide him with status (Caroline)
-Venus in Capricorn
-Usually goes after younger women
-Traditional
—Ex: Found Roman & Gerri disgusting because “she’s a million years old”
✨Will handle confrontation directly, but also through manipulating others & pitting them against each other. Physically, emotionally, & psychologically abusive. The threat of his power casting a shadow even after his death.
-Mars in Scorpio
✨Jupiter in Gemini/Cancer
-Cancer
—Investments/stocks
—Children brought into family business
✨Saturn in Taurus/Gemini
-Assumption would be Taurus
—Strict about money/possessions
—Hard times in early life lead to material success later on
✨Uranus in Gemini
—Divide & conquer
-Unique ideas, innovative & disruptive to the status quo
✨Neptune in Virgo
-Disillusionment about “order”
Not concerned with what’s sustainable
-Individualist rather than collectivist
✨Pluto in Leo
-WWII generation
-Self-empowered
-Idea of what power is self-created/manifested
-Large ego
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yooran · 2 years ago
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fuck it. magnus archives astrology headcanons
Jon: Gemini sun*, Leo moon Martin: Libra sun, Taurus moon
* note: MAG 161 vaguely implies that Martin's birthday was shortly before Jon's. we can say Martin made up his birthday, but I am also willing to accept Sag Sun Gemini Moon for Jon (the ultimate No Filter combo). the important thing is Libra Martin, it's real and it is true. but Gemini Jon is what's in my heart, this bitch needed to record the sound of his voice so bad it ended the world. they are an air sign couple through and through. the words "you had rum and raisin and taught us all about emulsifiers :)" haunt me endlessly. i know what you are
Sasha: Virgo sun... her rising is Gemini Tim: Scorpio sun AND rising but normal about it Basira: Cap sun, Virgo moon Daisy: Cancer sun, Leo moon. her Leo moon reached out and it touched fingertips with Jon's and that's when they became friends Melanie: Aries sun, Aquarius Moon Georgie: Pisces sun, also Aquarius Moon. she's secretly the funniest character so she gets the secret funniest sun sign
Agnes Montague is a triple Aries but her Venus landed in Pisces. this was her ultimate undoing
Annabelle Cain is the Scorpiest Scorp who ever Scorped /pos /neg
Gerry's an Aquarius/Pisces cusp and NOT normal about it
idk about the rest. Simon Fairchild is a Gemini tho. I'll claim him. sorry for Simon Fairchild
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iwait4youalexg · 3 years ago
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I know no one cares but I am assigning zodiac signs to the succession characters because it is deeply important to me
Logan: Taurus
Kendall: Virgo with like a Scorpio moon
Shiv: sagittarius
Roman: Aquarius
Tom: Libra
Greg: Pisces
Connor: Cancer
Marcia: Scorpio
Gerri: Capricorn
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gerrydelano · 5 years ago
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okay, zodiac headcanon masterpost upon request WAHEY
under a cut so i can edit them/link corresponding posts whenever i update them! 
EDIT 9/27/21: GOOD THING, TOO, because i edited this SO much. note, the pages i link here are obviously not going to be perfectly 1:1 especially because there’s a problem with the one site where the second they get to the “[sign] man/woman” section they get BIZARRE and like. really cisheteronormative in a stupid way that gets a little misogynistic with how shallow they characterize Every Woman so we’re gonna ignore Those mostly because the rest of it is, like. fine mostly. the little PDFs are so much fun, too!
ones with posts that i will not budge on:
gerry - libra sun / aquarius moon / leo rising (oct 5, 1984) 
post here + bonus personality page
tim - sagittarius sun / gemini moon / aquarius rising (dec. 9, 1984)
post here + bonus personality page + fun PDF
sasha - gemini sun / scorpio moon / virgo rising (may 31, 1985)
post here :-) + bonus personality page + fun PDF
basira - taurus sun / virgo moon / cancer rising (may 18, 1986)
post here + bonus personality page 
halfsies on this specific page tbh but some is good
danny - gemini sun / aries moon / sagittarius rising (june 19, 1987)
post here + fun PDF
oh my fucking g-d i had two entire mistakes with his that i missed and had to edit Just Goes To Show! Can’t Pin Down A Gemini and also the ringmaster i fucking guess LMAO
(LOVE that danny is an air sun with fire moon and rising, where tim is a fire sun with air moon and rising. and tim’s sun is danny’s rising, where danny’s sun is tim’s moon. fucked up.)
ones with no posts yet but i still will not budge on:
georgie - libra sun / aquarius moon / aquarius rising (oct. 12, 1986)
yes, same as gerry! the story behind this is hysterical but if you read this page here, you’ll find that it fits both of them in almost delightfully oppositional ways which is very in the libra spirit if you ask me.
ignore the gendered bits here for sure though ugh
there are some bits in the PDF that hit for both gerry and georgie in different ways, too!
melanie - sagittarius sun / libra moon / virgo rising (nov. 27, 1986)
i love this one for her so much. reading a few pages on the personality of this date is way too accurate to some Plans we have for her but you will never guess in what way so have at it
the PDF renders her so romantically too i love this hello
martin - cancer sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising (july 1, 1987)
originally thought feb 27 pisces but there’s some evidence for a summer birthday so cancer we go. and this is devastatingly accurate in a lot of ways, especially to the direction i’m taking him in PBR.
also the PDF hurt me please take it
the scorpio rising is fucking killing me help
jon - capricorn sun / gemini moon / virgo rising (dec. 31, 1987)
as he’s canonly 6 months younger than martin, we’d originally toyed with virgo sun/gemini moon, but this is a way better configuration AND it was fun to see that arbitrarily throwing a dart at martin’s moon sign landed him Almost Precisely 6 months ahead of where i’ve had jon for Ages now.
every page i found for this SUCKED except the PDF which is Perfect hello what the fuck. some of the lines here are Eerie actually.
daisy - leo sun / capricorn moon / scorpio rising (aug. 22, 1980)
yawn but also i’m terrified 
generally these won’t exactly take into account Eldritch Murder Cop so it’s way nicer about everyone’s good qualities and potential but you can see where some of that would translate to her personal goals and motivations for sure
THE PDF READS HER FOR FILTH THOUGH LOL
mike - scorpio sun / capricorn moon / capricorn rising (oct. 26, 1979)
again nothing considers the eldritch angle but this really hits the nail on the head in some places
especially when it comes to his distaste for spotlight but desire for respect (not admiration, but respect of his privacy, efforts, and power), how no matter how warm he might seem on the surface he is going to be constantly gunning for what he wants (stability, safety, financial comfort)
and the PDF fucking Bangs in some places OOF yikes!
honestly kudos to me for just picking this one on the first try
adelard - capricorn sun / taurus moon / cancer rising (jan. ??, 1949)
for the most part, this is pretty strong! even the bits about valuing material items and a stable salary and whatever just translate to me as Stability and those Literal Tools he needs to maintain his life and protect himself and others. like. yeah, he DOES value material items. they save lives.
and the PDF is solid, too! lost me a bit at the very end but i don’t even care. 
we only know adelard by the END of his life, after he’s matured fully and really accepted things and all of that wisdom is hard-earned over time, not inherent to how he was when he was younger and just started doing all this. he had fire in him till the end, i think he had to have been rowdy as hell beforehand and Also was just as able to fall into moments of despair and struggle as his fight persisted.
that, and his Rigid Ideals and whatnot - that doesn’t read to me as inherently shallow or something, especially given how we See him do that in canon with gertrude! he respects her, but he won’t compromise his beliefs for her. he will bend them when another principle feels more important but he’s generally very consistent.
this was so tiny at the start and now i have Actual Dates And Years please acknowledge but also don’t acknowledge how dedicated i am to accurate timelines. what i love also is the patterns that just sort of Happened here, like.
the sheer amount of virgo, gemini and libra in these charts
virgo NERDS. gemini LUNATICS. libra TRYING THEIR BEST.
LOTS of capricorn. STUBBORN BITCHES.
so many may birthdays too. what the fuck.
and late-in-the-month birthdays, too?
like, wow, there’s some TRENDS going on with these fucks and i’d love to know what the hell it all means<3 imagine if astrology were actually real how terrifying would this be lol
i may have more to say about this at a later date but i just spent some hours refining this so enjoy my current ravings
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bamboobrat · 5 years ago
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succession characters + zodiac signs?
omg yessss ok: 
lets start with the obvious. connor is definitely a big ole taurus who likes the lux life and gets upset when the butter is too cold. 
ROMAN IS A GEMINI with his chaotic energy and constant talking. this is a hill i am willing to die on. dont come here and tell me he is a sag because HE DOES NOT SEEK THE TRUTH ARE YOU KIDDING ME “YOUR VAGINA TRUMPETS” 
logan is aries obviously 
marcia is a scorpio because she’s such a mystery and she’s a bit scary 
greg the egg my man is a beautiful helpful virgo 
shiv is a leo 
tom is a cancer who feels all the feels maybe with a libra moon or something cuz he’s a romantic deep down 
gerri is an aquarius because, no matter how hard she tries to hide it in those normie dress suits, she’s kinky and strange and she’s also an air sign so she’s able to communicate w roman 
kendall is a sad, sad pisces who was probably like three days away from being an aries like logan
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pollyjean · 4 years ago
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Roman is aries? Kendall is cancer? Shiv and rom both libras. Logan and marcia both cap af. Gerri the scorpio. Greg a pisces...?
ok i agree with marcia being a capricorn thank u for opening my eyes on that... logan too... i’m still pretty firm in the rest of my placements. i could see tom having libra placements mostly since mattmac is a libra but he gives off Such clingy cancer vibes to me. greg being pisces was also my initial thought but he’s definitely got a lot of earth placements as well. pisces sun moon in taurus maybe? and gerri Definitely not a water sign i’m afraid... virgo w/ aries moon vibes i think. i do love that there are other people analyzing the succession gang in terms of astrological placements tho keep it up legend
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pixey-el-blog · 6 years ago
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Nickname: "Bunny”
Zodiac: Well-- Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon, Taurus Ascendent, Neptune is at the top of my chart *keeps murmuring about the entirety of her natal chart*
Height: 5′8 (1/2)
Last movie I saw: OH SHIAT!!!!! I HATE THE PRESENT STATE OF MOVIE CULTURE SO I AVOID IT ALL LIKE THE PLAGUE!!! ... the Gosnell film? Maybe a year ago?
Favorite musician: Been into Vivaldi quite a bit. It varies.
Song stuck in my head: Nothing, I’m listening to Owen Benjamin, my mind’s preoccupied. 
Other blogs: Nah, I smoosh all topics onto this blog, blog whatever strikes me whimsy fancy nicely.
Do I get asks: Nope, I’m fairly chill and vice-verse with my followers and mutuals.
Blogs following: Probably a thousand. Who knows. Enough.  
Amount of sleep: I’d say I average about 6 to 8 hours a night.
Lucky numbers: 4
What I’m wearing: My outfit I wore to my job at a upper-middle class clothing brand retailer: nice tweed top, black pants, decked out in jewelry, etc.
Dream job: My dream job was always to be an animator but it was never meant to be. Maybe an ER nurse is a more practical dream, we’ll see.
Dream trip: Uh heh!!!!!! I like where I am, thank you. Poland, perhaps? It’s my heritage and it’s Based.
Favorite food: Meat and Taters *total Irish gurl*
Play instruments: Yes, I played the flute in marching band back in high school. In Texas, marching band is *lit*
Languages: English. My parents forced me to study 4 years of Spanish, but I so lacked the passion and interest that I’ve long since forgotten the language LOLLLLL
Favorite songs: 'Right Down The Line’ by Gerry Rafferty has been my cruising jam for a few years, now.
Random fact: I seem like a complete loser, but I’ve been awarded for both artwork and my writing in the past. ... God, does that mean I piqued in high school? 
Describe yourself as aesthetic things:  The vast map of the starry constellations, reflected upon the surface of a pristine, crystalline pool. Whoever wants to do this can do it, I’m Bad about deciding who to tag or not.
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highlyspecificsigns · 7 years ago
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the signs as lawsuits with amusing names
ARIES: Robin Hood, et al. v. US Gov. Banking Industry, et al. (2012) Wikipedia: Robin Hood v. United States CV 12-01542 was a 2012 United States District Court for the Northern District of California civil court case. The case was brought by Robin Hood against the United States government for allegedly violating the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO). Hood filed the case on behalf of himself and others, alleging that the United States government had violated the RICO act, stating that he and others had been "robbed by banks, attorneys and the government they tried to support". TAURUS: United States v. Ninety-Five Barrels Alleged Apple Cider Vinegar (1924)
Wikipedia: United States v. Ninety-Five Barrels Alleged Apple Cider Vinegar, 265 U.S. 438 (1924), was an in rem case in which the Supreme Court of the United States held that apple cider vinegar is mislabeled when that vinegar is made from dried apples. The label at issue indicated that the vinegar was made from "selected" apples. Douglas Packing Company, the manufacturer, admitted to dehydrating fresh apples and then re-hydrating the apples with pure water to produce vinegar. GEMINI: Memoirs v. Massachusetts (1966) Wikipedia: To be declared obscene a work of literature had to be proven by censors to: 1) appeal to prurient interest, 2) be patently offensive, and 3) have no redeeming social value. The book in question in this case was Fanny Hill (or Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, 1749) by John Cleland and the Court held in Memoirs v. Massachusetts that, while it might fit the first two criteria (it appealed to prurient interest and was patently offensive), it could not be proven that Fanny Hill had no redeeming social value. CANCER: United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff (1971)
Wikipedia: Gerald Mayo, a 22 year old inmate at Western Penitentiary in Pittsburgh, filed a claim before the United States District Court for the Western District of Pennsylvania in which Mayo alleged that "Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall" and had therefore "deprived him of his constitutional rights."
In his decision, U.S. District Court Judge Gerald J. Weber first noted that the jurisdictional situation was unclear. While no previous cases had been brought by or against Satan and so no official precedent existed, there was an "unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure as plaintiff", a reference to the short story "The Devil and Daniel Webster". Judge Weber suggested that the Devil (who had claimed in that story to be an American), should he appear, might have been therefore estopped from arguing a lack of personal jurisdiction. In this context, the Court noted that Satan was a foreign prince, but did not have occasion to address whether, if sued as a defendant, he would be able to claim sovereign immunity from suit. Ultimately, the Court refused the request to proceed in forma pauperis because the plaintiff had not included written instructions for how the U.S. Marshal could serve process on Satan. LEO: United States v. One Solid Gold Object In Form of A Rooster (1967)
Quartz: On a blazing hot afternoon in July 1960, three armed US marshals raided a casino lobby in Sparks, Nevada, and proceeded to seize a golden statue of a rooster. Invited onlookers jeered and hissed as the agents confiscated the statue, whose attorney decried a “colossal miscarriage of justice.”
The renegade fowl in question was a nine-and-a-half-inch-tall, 14-pound bird made of solid 18-karat gold. Prior to his arrest, his preferred roost had been in a lighted glass display case at the Nugget Casino in Sparks, Nevada, where he had taken up residence in 1958, helping to promote The Golden Rooster Room, a newly opened restaurant at the fast-growing Nugget, which served fried chicken as its signature dish. The metal bird was now a defendant in a Federal complaint brought by Treasury Department, entitled United States of America v. One Solid Gold Object in Form of a Rooster. Unbeknownst to the bird, he had become the latest–and most severe–action taken by a federal government that was terrified of running out of gold.  VIRGO: United States v. Article Consisting of 50,000 Cardboard Boxes More or Less, Each Containing One Pair of Clacker Balls (1976)
Wikipedia: United States v. Article Consisting of 50,000 Cardboard Boxes More or Less, Each Containing One Pair of Clacker Balls, 413 F. Supp. 1281 (D. Wisc. 1976), is a 1976 United States District Court for the Eastern District of Wisconsin decision regarding a requested order from the United States government to seize and destroy a shipment of approximately 50,000 clacker balls under the Federal Hazardous Substances Act because children could hit themselves with the balls.
LIBRA: United States v. 11 1/4 Dozen Packages of Articles Labeled in Part Mrs. Moffat’s Shoo-Fly Powders for Drunkenness (1941) Wikipedia: United States v. 11 1/4 Dozen Packages of Articles Labeled in Part Mrs. Moffat’s Shoo-Fly Powders for Drunkenness, 40 F. Supp. 208, was a 1941 US federal court case heard in the United States District Court for the Western District of New York, alleging the misbranding of a putative cure for alcohol intoxication. The action's unusual name results, in part, from the customs of cases with in rem jurisdiction, and refers to 135 packages of the containers used to hold the powder. This case was one of the first actions taken by the United States Food and Drug Administration.
Mrs. Moffat’s Shoo-Fly Powders for Drunkenness, manufactured by M. F. Groves' Son & Co., was a product popular in the 19th century, alleged to be an effective antidote for drunkenness. The powder was tartar emetic, antimony potassium tartrate, which induces vomiting. By 1939, the product was considered a Mickey Finn, and criminal convictions had been obtained for some sellers for selling unlabelled poisons. SCORPIO: I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts in Edmond Frank MacGillivray Jr. Now.  I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts IEFMJN. I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts.  I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts OTLOHIEFMJN. I Am The Beast SSSOTLOHIEFMJN. I Am The Beast Six Six Six. Beast Six Six Six Lord v. Michigan State Police, et al. (1990) SAGITTARIUS: Marcus v. Search Warrant of Property at 104 East Tenth Street, Kansas City, Missouri (1961)
Wikipedia: An unusual in rem case heard by the Supreme Court where the named object was not the seized property (11,000 magazines, books, and still photos seized from a wholesaler by the Kansas City Police Department for allegedly being obscene) but the warrant under which it was seized. Since all the government agents involved were indisputably acting within the law as it stood, the only way for the petitioner to challenge the constitutionality of the seizure was to name the search warrant itself as defendant.
CAPRICORN: United States v. International Brotherhood of Teamsters, Chauffeurs, Warehousemen and Helpers of America, AFL-CIO; Commission of La Cosa Nostra; Anthony Salerno, also known as Fat Tony; Matthew Ianniello, also known as Matty the Horse; Anthony Provenzano, also known as Tony Pro; Nunzio Provenzano, also known as Nunzi Pro; Anthony Corallo, also known as Tony Ducks; Salvatore Santoro; Christopher Furnari, Sr., also known as Christie Tick; Frank Manzo; Carmine Persico, also known as The Snake, also known as Junior; Gennaro Langella, also known as Gerry Lang; Philip Rastelli, also known as Rusty; Nicholas Marangello, also known as Nicky Glasses; Joseph Massino, also known as Joey Messino; Anthony Ficarotta, also known as Figgy; Eugene Boffa, Sr.; Francis Sheeran; Milton Rockman, also known as Maishe; John Tronolone, also known as Peanuts; Joseph John Aiuppa, also known as Joey Aiuppa, also known as Joe Doves, also known as Joey O’Brien; John Phillip Cerone, also known as Jackie Cerone, also known as Jackie the Lackie; Joseph Lombardo, also known as Joey the Clown; Angelo LaPietra, also known as The Nutcracker; Frank Balistrieri, also known as Carl Angelo Deluna, also known as Toughy; Carl Civella, also known as Corky; Anthony Thomas Civella, also known as Tony Ripe; General Executive Board, International Brotherhood of Teamsters; Jackie Presser, General President [and other officers including sixteen Vice Presidents]; In re Application LXXXVI of the Independent Administrator, Leroy Ellis, Appellee v. Roadway Express, Inc., 3 F.3d 634 (2d Cir. 1993). AQUARIUS: United States v. One Lucite Ball Containing Lunar Material (One Moon Rock) and One Ten Inch by Fourteen Inch Wooden Plaque (2001) Wikipedia: The Honduras Apollo 17 "goodwill moon rocks" plaque display, which was presented to the people of the Republic of Honduras in 1973 by President Nixon, came into the possession of retired colonel Roberto Agurcia Ugarte some time after 1993 and before 1995 in an illegal manner. It is unclear how Ugarte obtained it. Some speculate that he was inspired to steal the Honduras Apollo 17 "goodwill moon rocks" plaque display with the 1 gram moon rock because of the $442,500 selling price at a Sotheby's auction in December 1993 for a Russian sample of three tiny lunar pebbles weighing 0.2 grams that could only be seen under a microscope. Ugarte put the plaque up for sale, covering the stars of the Honduras flag to give the impression that the NASA wooden plaque display could have come from one of several Central American countries (as many have the same colors on their flags). He eventually found a buyer for it, a fruit distributor named Alan Rosen, who bought it for what he claims was $50,000 at the time. A lawsuit filed against Rosen in 2001, United States v. One Lucite Ball Containing Lunar Material (One Moon Rock) and One Ten Inch by Fourteen Inch Wooden Plaque, went on trial and was settled in 2003. As a result of the trial, Rosen forfeited the Honduras Apollo 17 lunar sample plaque display, which was ultimately presented to Honduran President Ricardo Maduro on February 28, 2004. PISCES: South Dakota v. Fifteen Impounded Cats (2010)
Lowering the Bar: The Supreme Court of South Dakota grappled with legal issues arising from an officer's decision to impound fifteen cats he found roaming around a woman's car. In a split decision, the justices rejected the woman's arguments that the evidence was insufficient to support the cat seizure and that said seizure violated her constitutional rights.
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icarusthelunarguard · 2 years ago
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This Week’s Horrible-Scopes
(Sorry I’m running a little late this week)
It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter.
Aries 
You need a moment of musical W-T-F this week. Go find your copy of 1994’s album, “Out in L.A.” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and put on “Flea Fly”. It’s only 40 seconds long, sounds like it was recorded with a couple of Radio Shack Hi-Ball Mics on Irish-Brand Cassettes tapes… but you’re still going to have your face scrunched up while wondering what the HELL did you just listen to! 
Taurus 
There are lots of musical groups out there with pretentiously long songs, or pretentiously long song titles. You don’t have to be that way in business. If you have a business card, have it turned sideways and see if your information still fits without wrapping. Regardless, do that anyway. If people still use Rolodex filers, they’ll just punch holes in the bottom, cutting off important information. Invest in new business cards anyway.
Gemini   
Time to learn some Film History! In the Silent Era, movies were usually delivered at 16 frames per second. Once sound was delivered on the film itself, 24 frames became the norm because that was the lowest rate you could get good audio out of the machine. That’d been the standard for nearly a century - including all those cartoons you remember like the Warner Brothers’ stuff. Well, someone took 3 minutes of a Tom and Jerry cartoon and upscaled it from 24 to 60 frames per second. We’re warning you now: just because you CAN upscale something doesn’t mean you SHOULD! You have some old stuff - leave it alone!
Cancer Moon-Child 
Today we think of the term “Pixel” as a relatively new thing. Maybe from the start of digital monitors in the 90’s? Nope. Maybe the 70’s and the SONY Trinitron color TV’s? Still no. "Bildpunkt", the German word for, literally, 'picture point', was used in the 1888 German patent of Paul Nipkow for a Mechanical Television. Yeah; the term “Pixel” predates an actual functional electronic display as we know it. This week, learn some more German terms.
Leo 
Your dreams are going to be stranger than normal this week. Set a pen and paper next to your bed and plan on writing things down quickly. You could also get a sound-activated sleep recorder for your phone; not that that isn’t a creepy idea, though. Some great ideas come to us at night; embrace your subconscious!
Virgo 
This week we’re telling you what to do first: go online and find an older cell phone, like the Samsung S5; specifically something with an Infrared port on it. You’re going to be visiting folks, have dinner in a restaurant, and the TVs will be tuned to a local Sports-Ball game… and it’s YOUR job to use your new device to turn off the TVs at the most inopportune moment! Because this week, you’re on a mission from god; specifically the Great God Murphy. Glory Be his angst.
Libra 
You want to be self-reliant, but there are some jobs better done by several people instead of just one. This week identify the job, enlist assistance, and get a large Sicilian Meatball Pizza delivered to thank people with. Why Sicialian specifically? There won’t be any Pizza Bones left at the end. 
Scorpio 
You remember the song, “Baker Street” from 1978 by Gerry Rafferty? Something you might not have known - he wasn’t, LEGALLY, allowed to release any music for three years before then. He was part of Stealers Wheel, the group that performed "Stuck in the Middle with You". Well, Stealers Wheel broke up in ‘75, and for THREE SOLID YEARS Gerry was fighting his way out of the contract with their music label, A&M. So whenever people remind you that The Internet is The Great Equalizer for talented people, believe them!  
Sagittarius 
You’re right - toys aren’t built the way they used to be anymore. They don’t have lead in the paint, fabric-wrapped electrical plugs, ungrounded heating elements, and they sure-as-hell don’t have skull-impaling aerial daggers being sold anymore. The only toys you can still depend on are Tonka! You can STILL beat someone into a coma with them. –NOT THAT YOU SHOULD DO THAT!  
Capricorn 
Color-blindness isn’t what you think it is. That’s why you’re not an Opthamologist. Centrifugal Force isn’t what you think it is. That’s why you’re not working at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory for NASA. And lastly you don’t understand that on movie credits, the Best Boy might be the Best Girl - neither of which would be a minor. This week, actually read the credits at the end of a movie for once.   
Aquarius 
We don’t mean to pick on you, Aquarius. Really! It’s just that you’re the youngest sibling in the Astrological group. Yes, Pisces is next and actually last, but they’re hooked up with the Mafia. Do you really want us to piss THEM off over you? HELL no! So this week… Uhm… How about this: The last open weekends are happening for amusement parks before Halloween. Take in a roller coaster before it all shuts down.
Pisces 
Time to kill you with My Little Pony trivia. In Today I Learned… Equestria was breaking the Geneva Conventions and was told to cut it out! Apparently the symbol we all associate with “Health” and medical stuff, the Red Cross on a White Background is actually internationally reserved for the Red Cross. In Friendship is Magic Nurse Redheart’s cutie mark was a white hide with a red cross with four pink hearts in each corner; enough for the Red Cross to get in contact and get the mark changed. So, yeah! My Little Geneva Convention.
And THOSE are your Hobble-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and Discord.
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