#Genesis 9:18 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hoonieyun · 1 month ago

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the tree of life ₊ ⊹

pairing: sim jaeyun x reader genre: angst, romance, sorrow, soulmates in every lifetime, slowburn asf warnings: religious themes, kissing, profanity, skin ship, death, mentions of terminal illness, yn doesn't have a good relationship with her father, overbearing parent, abusive father, mentions of mental health issues, 18+, not proofread lol and pls lmk if i need to add smth

synopsis: everything happens for a reason and certain things will fall into place no matter what. that's how you found yourself laying next to your lover who stood on the fine line of life and death.

wc: 10094 (this series is long asf omg i need to shut up)

Genesis 2:9 God created all kinds of trees that were pleasing to the sight and good for food, including the Tree of Life.

whenever it was the first day of school, whether it be kindergarten, the first day of primary school, or even highschool; you had an immense amount of anxiety. you thought that as you got older the anxiety would eventually leave you. like it was just something that went away as you got older but as the years went by, your anxiety only festered.

you became more and more aware of all of the things in this world and instead of your anxiety eventually leaving, it only got worse. it also didn’t help that you had a parasite of a father who was always breathing down your neck and trying to control every single thing in your life.

you thought that college would be your way out of being locked up at home most of the time but after getting denied financial aid for university housing, you found yourself still at home when you weren’t at university.

today would mark the first day of your 3rd year of university and just like any other first day of school, you were filled with an overwhelming amount of anxiety that bubbled inside of you. typically, as you got older you were a lot better at keeping it in comparison to when you were a kid.

when you were in the 3rd grade, you had to take the school bus for the first time because your dad was working more and more due to your mother passing the year prior. she usually drove you to school but since she was no longer with you anymore, your dad had to figure out how to get you to school while also figuring out how to keep a roof over your heads as a now single father.

the school bus was so scary to you, it was filled with older and rowdy kids and you were afraid they’d pick on you. you spent the whole morning wailing with tears running down your face, begging your father to drive you to school but his short patience with you only made him more furious. he had yelled at you so loudly that your tears instantly dried up.

you had to muster up the courage to take the school bus and in the end, it wasn’t that bad– the only thing you got from all of that was trauma from your father that would follow you for years on end.

the same way death and grief has.

the first day of your 3rd year of university wasn’t any different than usual. you had anxiety bubbling inside of you and for once in a long time; it boiled over. there were too many people at the university, it was hard to walk anywhere without bumping into others, people were talking too loud, the sun was high in the sky and making you sweat, and your breathing was starting to get heavy.

you needed to get out of there quickly but because you didn’t really know where to go, you pushed through the crowds and finally found yourself a small shaded corner somewhere in the back of the courtyard, away from all of the people. you did your best to calm your breathing, counting from one to ten and back down, shutting your eyes and focusing on inhaling and exhaling, but nothing was working.

so much so, that you began to feel tears run down your face. your anxiety hadn’t been this bad in a while where you ended up crying and it reminded you of that first day of 3rd grade when your father shouted at you so angrily that you swore you could feel the vibrations of his voice shake your tiny body.

the memory replaying in your mind doesn’t help, it only makes things worse– you weren’t sure what to do and you couldn’t just leave because it was the first day of university and you wouldn’t dare miss out on anything from your classes.

“you alright? hey.. are you crying?” a gentle and warm voice pulls you out of your darkness and you open your eyes. the sun slightly blinding you but with the help of your hand to block out the sun’s rays, the image of a boy becomes clear in front of you.

“what?” you stuttered.

“are you ok? i saw you crying over here, do you need help?” he asks, but all you could focus on was him. the way his soft eyes were filled with worry and care, the way his bottom lip naturally jutted forward, and how his fingers fiddled with the hem of the sleeve of his shirt.

you didn’t know who this boy was but you wanted to know everything about him, unbeknownst to you that he’d become a very important person in your life.

he offers you a small napkin and you slowly take it, muttering a thank you as you use it to wipe your tears. you didn’t think he’d stay but he takes it upon himself to sit beside you– not too close though, he was a stranger after all and he didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.

he sits just a few feet away from you, occasionally glancing over to make sure you’re no longer crying, and to his enlightenment– you were. something about his presence made you feel better. maybe it was because you were secretly attracted to the cute stranger.

or maybe it was because you hadn’t received any type of kindness from someone in so long.

“i should go.. um– thank you, by the way..” you mumbled, standing up and dusting off your clothes.

“wa- wait! what’s your name? i’m jake.” he says, voice like silk and a smile so bright that it rivaled the sun that was shining above the two of you.

you blinked at him a few times before responding and telling him your name, jake’s smile only getting bigger after hearing your name fall from your lips.

it was after that day that jake would become a constant in your life.

and you weren’t opposed to that.

after that day when you first met jake, it seemed like he just popped up everywhere. you found out he was in several of your classes that semester and even studying the same program as you, he would appear in the cafeteria and ask to sit with you, showed up at the library and asked if he could study with you– it was like anywhere you were, jake was there too.

“god! this midterm for professor jung’s class is driving me insane, i don’t get any of this!” jake says with an aggravated huff. jake drops his head but all you could do was giggle at him– to which he raises his head and sends you a playful glare.

“what are you laughing at– no way you’re on the last question of the study guide!” jake says, mouth wide open and a little too loud for the library, earning the two of you a threatening hush from other library goers and the librarian herself.

jake sends them a pout and an apologetic glare before returning his attention back to you.

“it’s not that hard jake.. also all you need to do is go over the lecture videos– he literally gives all of the answers..”

“wait… there are lecture videos?”

you scoff at jake and shake your head at him– continuing your studies and encouraging jake to work on his. his pout only gets poutier but nonetheless, jake picks up his black ball point pen and continues working on the study guide, although he didn’t want to.

every now and then you’d notice jake glancing up at you instead of doing his work.

“jake..” you said when you noticed him staring at you, gesturing with your eyes towards his paper, telling him to keep working. jake pouts again, like it’s his resting face at this point, and eventually goes back to studying but not before he sends you one last glance, biting his lip as he looks over at you.

the two of you spent the next hour helping one another to complete your study guides but it was mostly you trying your best to keep jake focused. he was smart enough to get the work done on his own, smarter than you even.

his only issue was that he got distracted so easily– mostly by you.

it’s gotten quite late when you and jake finish studying, packing your bags but not without the several glances that jake sends over to you. “can i take you home?” jake says, stuttering a bit as he musters up the courage to ask you. sweat coating his palms as he wipes them off on his jeans.

you weren’t completely sure that it was a good idea but because it was dark out and you were nervous to take the public transit this late, you accepted his offer. jake was elated that you accepted, he really enjoyed spending time with you and was a bit bummed out that your time together today would be coming to an end, but at least he’d prolong it just a bit longer by driving you home.

the car ride to your home was somewhat long but it was filled with laughter. jake always knew how to make you laugh, he was naturally funny and his little quips always earned him a giggle from you. jake on the other hand, always laughed at what you said, even when you didn’t mean to make him laugh.

just as jake was naturally funny to you, you were naturally funny to him; the only difference was that jake was actually funny whereas he laughed at everything you said and did because he truly enjoyed anything you did.

“okay– what about this. buldak or shin ramyeon..?” jake asks and your mouth falls open with a gasp. that question was pretty hard for you as you grew up on both, almost impossible– like asking you if you’d rather never breathe air or drink water.

“i told you i’d stump you with this one– shin!!” you randomly blurted out during jake’s sentence, causing the two of you to break out in laughter. jake wasn’t expecting you to throw out an answer because, truthfully, it was a hard question to answer as both types of noodles had their charm.

“okay. fair, fair.” he responds, nodding his head in agreement; biting his lip after as he tries to hide a smile. your eyes linger on his face a little bit longer than usual and you take in jake’s features. it was so weird because you found him attractive but the longer you knew jake and spent time with him; he only get more and more handsome.

he was the perfect blend of cute, handsome, charming, and goofy. you didn’t know a lot of boys in your life, quite frankly the only man you really knew was your dad and god, but jake set the standard for the men that would ever follow in your life.

but you were fine with just having him.

eventually the ride home came to an end as jake pulled up to your home, parking his car and stepping out to walk you to your door. in all honesty, jake’s heart was beating so intensely in his chest that it could cause his ribcage to rattle. ever since the first day that jake had met you, he knew you were the one for him.

call it love at first sight or whatever you want, but it felt like he was right where he needed to be that first day of classes. it played out in such a way that all seemed like a coincidence but to jake it was more like fate.

jake was trying to find a quiet place to sit and wait for the class prior to his to be over. he had just transferred to that university and didn’t really know the layout of the school nor did he really know anyone there.

he momentarily stopped by the cafeteria to get water from a machine because he had to pack his water bottle, accidentally spilling the water on himself as he pushed out of the building into a crowd of people that filled the courtyard, so he walked back inside and quickly grabbed some from one of the tables.

and as if it was like moses parting the sea, when he walked back outside; a path had cleared and he saw you sitting in the far corner of the courtyard. you were alone and just sitting by yourself and there seemed to be something that pulled him towards you.

but the closer he got– he realized that you were crying as the small glimmers of light that slipped through the leaves and branches that shaded over you shined on your tears. he didn’t want to come off as weird but he just stared at you for a moment, it was like he knew you and felt your emotions heavily. jake wouldn’t really describe himself as altruistic, if he saw a random stranger crying he’d probably just keep pushing and mind his own business, but when it came to you; it was like he had this obligation to look after you.

like there was a sense of familiarity with you that he felt comfortable with even though you two hadn’t met prior to that specific moment. jake pulled himself out of the trance of your beauty and spoke up, asking if you were okay and eventually offering you the napkin in his hands. he was now grateful that he grabbed those tissues– he had even completely forgot of the water stain on his shirt but it didn’t matter, it would dry out anyways.

“thanks for driving me home, jake. that was really sweet of you.”

jake shyly smiles, covering a part of his face with his hands in slight embarrassment after you had called him sweet. you had just complimented him but you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks as you blushed at his reaction.

just as jake was about to speak, the sound of your front door flying open caught both of your attention– the sight of your father alone was enough to let the anxiety creep back inside but his angry expression added fear into the mixture of emotions stirring inside of you.

“yn?! what are you doing out so late? huh!?” he said, grabbing your wrist and pulling you inside the house before jake could even respond to your previous statement.

“what did i tell you about boys? go! go to your room and get ready for bed, you already missed dinner.

– and you! stay away from my daughter. i don’t know who you are but if i see you around her again, it won’t end well, pretty boy.” your dad threatened and jake was completely thrown off. you didn’t really talk about your personal life with him, but he just assumed everything was normal– but this had come as a complete shock to him. he looked over to you before your dad slammed the door shut in his face and the look of fear that spread across your face sent chills down his spine.

it made jake’s heart ache knowing that he caused this problem for you all because he wanted to drive you home and spend more time with you– but it hurt even more not knowing what would happen behind closed doors. he sent you several texts that night, even going as far as calling you to make sure you were okay, but you didn’t answer any of his attempts.

jake barely slept that night and it didn’t help that it was a friday, meaning that he wouldn’t see you all weekend and had to wait until the following monday to see you.

thankfully, you had sent him a text at 2am the following saturday. jake usually slept pretty early because he loved to sleep but he just couldn’t go to bed at a reasonable hour because all he could think about was you. your text rang like church bells in his head and he instantly responded to you.

you told him that you’re fine but jake didn’t fully believe it until you sent him a photo of you half-smiling with a thumbs up while you did your homework. it made jake laugh at how cute you looked– he loved the picture so much he mindlessly saved the photo onto his phone.

the two of you would spend the rest of the night quietly talking on facetime as you tried your best to stay quiet while jake did his best to make you laugh. it was so easy for you to forget about your worries when you’re with jake. as for jake, it was easy to be happy when you’re there.

eventually falling asleep on the phone with one another– jake’s snores lulling you to sleep as you listened to him through your earphones. you had to get up early for church the next day and all though you had barely slept, you woke up with a smile on your face as jake’s sleeping figure was still on your phone. you took a screenshot before ending the call, sending him a good morning text after to tell him you had to go but that you’re excited to see him the next day at uni.

when monday rolled around, jake fought the urge to talk about what happened with your dad– he wanted to ask you about it because he genuinely cared about you and was worried about your safety, but because you seemed like you were fine and didn’t bring it up; he respected you enough to pry into your private life. jake just did his best to be there for you regardless.

it was like nothing had even happened because when the two of you met up before class you were fine; you were smiling and laughing at his jokes just like before and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss hearing it. you two spent the weekend talking on the phone but hearing your laugh in person was his favorite sound in the world.

“god– i can’t wait to go home. i’m exhausted.” jake huffed as he stuffed his computer into his backpack. you agreed and told him about how you’re probably going to spend the rest of the day at the library if he wanted to join you– it made him freeze up a bit because it instantly reminded him of what happened the last time the two of you were in the library together and how that night ended.

“don’t worry, jake. my dad is out of town..” you said, rolling your eyes at him and giving him a playful shove. jake smiles almost instantly at your playfulness and he tells you that he’ll join you, cracking a joke himself and telling you that he’ll take you home again since he won’t get any threats from your dad.

“i’d take you home and get yelled at by your dad any day if it meant that you aren’t going home alone late at night.” he mumbled but it went unheard by you.

you were only in the library for an hour before jake started complaining about studying again and this time, you were in the same boat as him. neither of you could focus and would do anything but focus on the papers and textbooks in front of you.

“can we go now.. let’s go get dinner.” jake said, raising his eyebrows tauntingly to entice you but you weren’t completely sold on the idea of food. you pucker your lips as you thought about it but a different idea pops into your head.

“wait– i have an idea! come on!” you say, quickly packing your things and jake follows your actions, a bit frantic as you’re quickly moving and jogging out of the library, giggling as jake stumbles behind you, his backpack barely zipped up as he threw in crumpled worksheets inside of it, almost tripping in the process.

“hey! wait for me!” he shouts, gaining an annoyed glare from the librarian as he passes by her desk at the front of.

jake loses you for a second as he exits the library but you’re quick to shout for him, peeking from behind a door down the hall, “jake! over here, come on; hurry up slowpoke!” you said, smiling at him. jake’s eyes go wide when he hears your voice, his smile even wider when he sees you waiting for him as you hold the door open, waving your hand to urge him to hustle.

“where are we going?” he asks when he finally catches up to you.

you drag him up the stairs, grabbing him by the wrist as the two of you ascend up the several stairwells. “where are you taking me? are you going to kill me or something?” he teases and you just turn around and narrow your eyes at him but jake is all smiles as he looks at you with adoration.

in some time, you push open the final door at the top of the stairwell and the two of you are emerging from inside of the building to the very top of the library. jake smiles at the sight, there were rows of trees that surrounded the campus and on the other side was a far scene of the ocean. you had taken jake to the library’s rooftop to clear your heads a bit before dinner.

it was your own personal spot that you had discovered during your first year of university. you weren’t necessarily sure if this area was prohibited but it never stopped you. it became somewhat of a safespace for you when school was getting a bit too overwhelming and you thought who better than to share that safespace with other than jake, who in a lot of ways, was also a safespace for you.

“you can see the whole fucking city here! how have you been hiding this from me?”

you shrug before answering, “had to make sure i trusted you enough.” you say, playfully shoving him but all jake could hear was that you trusted him enough to show him this place. you didn’t personally say it but he could tell this place meant a lot to you. sure, it was just the rooftop of the library at your university but jake took in how peaceful you seemed when you got up there.

it was like all of the worries, whether it was from school or your personal life, had disappeared.

the two of you laid down on the roof, using your bags as pillows as you looked up at the sky. “woah, look that one is like a dog.” you say, pointing out a cloud that resembled a puppy. jake giggled at your observation and tried to find a cloud that resembled something else.

“that one looks like a frog riding on the back of a bird.” he says.

you turn your head towards him with a doubtful look but as you turn your head back to where he’s pointing you begin to see what he’s talking about. “you know what, i kinda see it.” you say, nodding your head.

the tender moment you share with jake on the roof gives you a sense of deja vu, like it was something you had done with jake before– looking up at the sky and pointing out clouds that looked like something, even though it probably didn’t. it was like a memory in the back of your head and although you couldn’t quite figure out why it felt so familiar, it made you happy regardless because jake was able to provide solace for you.

there’s silence as the two of you look up at the sky. at first you think that jake is just taking in the moment but when he doesn’t respond to your question, you decide to look over at him and jake’s got a dazed look on his face.

“jake?” you ask, poking his shoulder and he dramatically shakes his body. “sorry– i was zoned out a bit.” he says with a chuckle, then asking you what you were saying.

“it’s okay– i was just saying, um.. thank you for taking me home last friday. i know that whole thing with my dad was a bit crazy and i really appreciated that you checked up on me afterwards.”

jake wanted to tell you that you didn’t need to thank him and that he’d do that for you any day because he cared about you so much but he let you keep talking because it felt like you needed to get something off of your chest.

“in all honesty– i was planning to cut you off. not because i was mad at you or anything, the furthest from it actually– but because i was scared that my dad would actually do something insane he if ever saw us together again.

but when i went to open my phone and block your number, i saw all of your missed calls and text messages and i just couldn’t do that to you.

you’re kind of like… the first person to ever care about me.

so… thank you jake. really, i mean it from the bottom of my heart.”

you hadn’t even noticed but there were tears in your eyes and jake’s hand gently reaches over and wipes them away with his thumb. he smiles at you for a moment as his hand cups your cheek, you melt into his touch and the two of you let out a heavy sigh that you both seem to have been holding in.

jake smiles at you and you giggle, shyly pulling away from his hand and covering your face with your own hands– sitting up in a bit of embarrassment. “don’t look at me like that.” you mumble into your hand.

“like what? i’m just appreciating your beauty.” jake says as he sits up, reaching over and pushing some of your hair behind your ear so he could get a better look at you. gently grabbing your wrist so he could see your face. “you think i’m pretty?” you whisper.

jake shakes his head and your smile falls, “i think you’re breathtaking..” he says and your lips break out into a smile at his compliment. he pulls you in a hug, one that you don’t resist as you fall into his arms. the hug is warm and comforting and you wish that you’d never have to leave jake’s arms. it was so strange because whenever you did something with jake it felt like deja vu but maybe it was just because he made you feel so comfortable and you were just happy to be with him.

the two of you stay like that for just a moment, you’re huddled in between jake’s arms as your head is laying on his chest while he lays his head on top of yours. you could hear his heartbeat in your ears, steady as ever but to jake it was beating thousands of times faster because you were currently in his arms.

“what’s your biggest fear?” he randomly asks and you hum as you think about the question.

“honestly– no idea. maybe like driving? i don’t know, i’m scared of getting into a car accident i guess.”

“pfft– that’s dumb.” jake teases and you look up at him with a glare but he just sends you a little wink in return. “okay, then what’s yours?”

jake doesn’t respond right away as he thinks about the question, but the silence happens for so long that when you look up at him again, you find that he’s got that dazed look in his eyes again. “jake?” you say, poking his arm slightly.

“sorry–” he says with a chuckle.

“you do that a lot, it’s cute.” you say, complimenting his little habit of spacing out.

“i think my fear would be that i never get to experience love.” he says outright and it causes you frown. you hadn’t expected that answer from jake but it doesn’t surprise you, in the short amount of time that you’ve known jake, you could tell that he was romantic and loved every aspect of life.

it only made sense that he valued love so highly.

what you didn’t know was that as he talked about love and finding love, his eyes were glued onto your figure as you laid in his arms.

the semester goes on as normal, you and jake would spend time together– mostly in the library because it was the one place you knew your dad wouldn’t ever show up. however, at some point you began to pull away from him, asking him to study with you less and less, and when jake had even asked if you wanted to go to your spot together, you had to decline– not even giving him an explanation.

he didn’t want to pry but it did bum him out that you’ve been so distant.

when jake was unpacking his things to set up his laptop and papers during class, he noticed that you hadn’t shown up yet, which was strange because you were usually early or arrived at the same time as him. jake stared at the door to the lecture hall, waiting for you to walk through but you don’t.

jake packs his things back up and completely ignores the professor as he begins to start his lecture, he slips out through the back entrance of the room and pulls his phone out of his pocket. he knew you were on campus today because he saw you during the morning class you had together but you hadn’t shown up for your other class that you had with him.

he was going to text you when a thought crossed his mind. before he can even think, he’s already running towards the library– hoping that his hunch of finding you at your spot was correct.

jake runs up the stairs, ignoring the burning in his lungs with each step and as he bursts through the door, he sees you– just like the day you first met. you’ve got your eyes closed and are sitting in a corner, tears running down your face, but this time there’s no hesitation within jake.

he’s instantly by your side, rubbing your back and asking if you’re okay. you don’t even need to look up to know that it’s jake and when you feel his presence, you wrap your arms around his neck in embrace, crying into his shoulder as he hugs you back– rubbing your back to help soothe your emotions.

“shh, it’s okay. just breathe for me, ok?” he whispers into your ear. you sniffle and release a shaky breath as you try to follow his instructions. you weren’t lying when you said that jake just knows how to calm you down as was like a beacon of solace for you because you’re able to stop your crying and steady your breathing in just a few moments.

you pull away with a sniffle, apologizing for soaking his sweater in your tears, but jake doesn’t mind. he never does because it’s you.

“do you wanna tell me what happened?”

you look up at him with glassy eyes before you speak. you explain to him that your father had passed the week prior and although you were trying your best to hold it altogether, it was starting to get surreal that he was no longer with you.

he wasn’t the most empathetic or kind father, but he did everything in his power to keep you safe and have a roof over your head. there were a lot of times that you wished you had a different father or that your father would just stop being the way he was, but now that he is gone– all you could think about was the fact that you wished you could’ve told him more often how much you loved and appreciated him.

you grew up sheltered, riddled with anxiety, and quite honestly– a bit afraid of him, but he was your father nonetheless. oftentimes he was more terrible to you than he was loving, but you can’t help but mourn your father.

he was half of you in the first place.

jake didn’t say much, he just held you in his arms as you explained everything, once again crying into his sweater. it explains a lot why you had become so distant randomly and jake wishes that he could’ve been there for you as it was happening but he was glad you came to him eventually. he was always so patient and understanding and you were so grateful to have him.

and right now, he was all that you had.

the next month goes by very slowly, jake is by your side throughout all of it from the funeral to the last day of the semester; jake doesn’t leave your side and you’ve run out of ways to thank him.

you’re driving home from the funeral with jake when suddenly the car swerves a bit off the right side of the road, jake squeezing his eyes shut with a groan– one that warrants a worried look from you as you brace yourself in the car, but jake is quick to react and return back to driving safely.

“jake, are you ok?” you ask worriedly and he looks pale all of a sudden.

“yeah– don’t worry. sorry, i was just a bit dizzy; i’m okay i promise.” he responds with a smile but you weren’t entirely convinced, choosing not to push it.

one year later

jake had asked you to be his girlfriend a few months after your dad’s funeral and it was one of the happiest days of your life. jake planned out the whole day and it was perfect from beginning to end as he asked you to be his girlfriend just as the sun set on the horizon.

you relationship moved rather fast after that and two months after being his girlfriend; the two of you were moving in together. in some ways, you were moving a bit fast but because you and jake had known each other for over a year now and have had this budding romance with each other; it was inevitable. you were also living alone in your childhood home and it was hard to be alone all the time so when jake had asked if you wanted to move in with him, you were so happy.

it was taking your relationship to another level and ever since living with him, every day was easier and you woke up and went to sleep happier than before.

on your first night, jake had surprised you with dinner. he ordered take out and went to pick it up while you were unpacking some of your things into your now, shared, bedroom. he called for you when he walked into the apartment and the smell of grilled meat and various other dishes wafted through your home.

“babe! i thought we were having ramyeon for dinner.” you said as you met him at the dining table, but jake explained that it’s a special night since you’re moving in with him so he had to get a special dinner. you smiled at him warmly as you unpacked the food while jake grabbed some utensils and drinks from the kitchen.

“god, this smells delicious.” you comment and jake hums.

it was small moments like this that you shared with jake that you thought about how lucky you were to have him. “here, open, aaah.” he says, picking up the last piece of grilled meat and feeding it to you and much like before, it gives you a sense of deja vu as you smile at him and accept the food.

it reminded you of something that you two did before but when you tried to recall when, the memory was hazy and you couldn’t quite picture it clearly.

jake suddenly starts coughing intensely so you urge him to take a sip of water, worried that he was choking on something. “baby, are you ok?” you ask and he takes some time to clear his throat before answering.

he tells you that he’s fine but the way his face reddened while simultaneously becoming pale worried you. ever since you started dating you spent more and more time together and you began to learn of jakes’ habits.

he often zoned out, blankly stared into nothingness, he got dizzy often which he just brushed off and would say it’s because he needs to drink more water, and lastly; he has random bouts of coughing fits which he never seemed to have an explanation for aside from saying that he was momentarily choking on his own saliva.

it didn’t worry you at first but as these habits became more and more prevalent, it became something you watched out for.

the next day, when jake is in the shower getting ready for the first day of your last semester of college, he suddenly gets a phone call from an unknown number– because the two of you had no distrust within each other, you answered the call for him just in case it was something important.

“hi, this is doctor song from eden hospital call in regards to your test results, may i speak with sim jaeyun?”

your eyebrows furrowed at the woman on the phone, you didn’t know that jake had gone to the hospital recently and once again, the familiar feeling of anxiety was pooling at your feet; waiting for the opportunity to make it’s way higher and higher to settle inside your head.

“hello?”

“um– sorry. he’s in the shower right now, this is his girlfriend; can i take a message?” she explains that she isn’t able to relay confidential patient information but just leaves you with that he should call them back as soon as possible.

the anxiety was now at your knees.

just as the call is ending, jake is walking out of the bathroom; hair still wet as he dries it with a towel that’s loosely wrapped around his shoulders. “hey, baby. everything ok?” he asks and you swallow the lump in your throat as you look at him.

“i just got off the phone, um– the hospital called you so i answered, they said you should call them back as soon as possible.” you explained and jake looks like he’s seen a ghost the way he’s frozen in place.

“jake… why’d you go to the hospital?” as those words leave your lips, the anxiety has wrapped itself around your hips, like it was weighing you down.

“nothing– uh, just a regular check up, you know?” he says but you can tell he was hiding something. the two of you rarely hid anything from each other– hell it was hard to even lie to jake when it came to something as much as a birthday surprise so it makes you feel weird that you could tell he was hiding something from you.

and jake? he could tell you were onto him.

“jake you know you can tell me anything righ– just drop it, ok?” he cuts you off, an aggravated tone that you hadn’t ever heard from him coats his words and you’re taken aback. you and jake have never spoken to each other that way and by now, the anxiety had found it’s way up your torso and was spread across your chest.

“jake..” you say in disbelief.

��yn– please.. just– everything is fine, ok?” but you don’t believe him and your own worry and care for jake doesn’t stop you from wanting to know more. you weren’t the pushy type and neither was jake but as you’ve grown to love each other more and more each and everyday, it was hard to not want to know every single thing about the person that you love.

“if it’s fine, then why can’t you tell me?”

this question alone sets off your very first argument and quite frankly, your last.

“because i said so! okay! if i wanted to tell you i would!”

“jake.. what is going on with you? i’m just worried, ok? if the hospital is calling you about your test results with some urgency to hear back from you, i think i have every right to worry.” you try to remain levelheaded but as the anxiety floats from your chest and to your neck, it was starting to feel like you were being suffocated.

jake sighs in frustration and pain. there was a ringing in his ears and a slight aching in his chest and he couldn’t tell if it was from the fact that he was lying about something or from what he was actually lying about.

he took a seat at the dining table and looked up at you, you were standing just a few feet away, arms loose by your side, hands fiddling with the loose hem of your pants. he didn’t want to tell you because he knows it’s going to devastate you but seeing you like this was already painful.

“can you come sit with me?” he says and you nod– pulling out the seat right next to him as he takes your hands in his.

“i’m not entirely sure how to say this but i’ve been keeping it from you because i’m afraid that it’s going to hurt you… but i can see how hiding it is already hurting you and it only hurts me to do that– so i’m sorry..

i don’t know how to say this but the year we met, during our 3rd year, it was the happiest moment of my life to meet you. i had told you i transferred to that university for no specific reason but it was actually because this university is closer to eden hospital.

and that matters because i had been diagnosed with a terminal illness the summer before our 3rd year and needed to be closer to the hospital just in case something happened.

that phone call from the hospital was probably to tell me about my most recent test results because the last time i visited the hospital– they told me i only had one month left to live and they were probably calling to confirm that.

i’m so sorry that i hid this from you but i just couldn’t bear the thought of you carrying this burden of being with me knowing that i was so sick.” jake was now bawling his eyes out, trembling and sniffling between words as he tried to explain what he had been hiding.

you instantly pull jake into your arms and for the next few minutes, the two of you cry in each other’s arms. the anxiety has now made camp in your mind and it was running wild– polluting every single thought you had inside of your head. jake has been going through this terminal illness all by himself, bearing the pain alone.

what broke you more was the fact that jake spent so much of his life since meeting you focused on showing you love and happiness. he dedicated so much of himself to your happiness and bettering your life while behind closed doors; he was suffering alone.

“i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner, i just didn’t want to ruin what we had– we were so happy.” he cried further into your arms and hearing his sobs only made your heart ache even more.

“how could i ever be happy knowing you practically sacrificed your own life for mine?” you breathed out, a quiver in your lips as those words left your mouth. it was a huge reality check for the both of you and it was like your worlds were crumbling down on top of the two of you.

jake was facing the fact that he didn’t have to go through any of this alone while you had to face the fact that as your life was getting better and better because of jake, his was only getting worse. it wasn’t a reality that you had ever expected but it’s starting to feel like happiness was only temporary for you and that anxiety and death has followed you since you were young.

the night ends with a longer talk between the two of you, choosing to skip the first day of class, which neither of you have ever done– but it was justified. you and jake moved to the bedroom and laid with each other, talking about everything that revolved around jake’s health. you had even called the hospital back together and they confirmed what jake had said.

dr. song explains that the illness inside of jake has progressed a lot faster than where it was just a few months before and gave them the time, one month.

you spent the night crying and sharing stories, doing and talking about anything and although it was filled with sadness, there was a sense of acceptance that jake found. he didn’t want to say it outloud because he knew it would only make you even more sad, but he’s come to accept it long before that his time on earth was limited.

the only difference now was that he’s able to live the last few moments of his life with you by his side, and to him?

that’s all that mattered.

as you fell asleep that night, a sequence of dreams that felt like memories played in your mind.

the first dream reminded you of the first time you brought jake to your spot on the library’s roof which eventually turned into your spot together. you and jake were laying on a plush field of grass, the green vibrant and bright as it slightly swayed with the wind. you were both pointing up at the clouds and laughing. neither of you were saying anything but the dream played in your head like you were a bystander watching it happen from a distance.

it was like you were watching a memory from another lifetime where you and jake shared a similar moment in the current lifetime you were in right now.

suddenly the dreamscape changes and the bright sunny sky is replaced with a dark and gloomy grey. jake stands in another field of grass but this time there are several patches in the ground with stone erect from the dirt. as you walked closer and closer, you could see that jake was standing over a tombstone, yours.

the tombstone reads: yn ln, beloved wife and everlasting in our hearts.

yours eyes travel from the tombstone and over to jake, who was silently crying as he stared at your resting place. the dream had changed so quickly and the longer you stood by jake, unnoticed by him, the more it felt like a memory than a dream.

when you try to reach out to jake and comfort him, tell him that you’re right next to him and that you’re alive and well– the dream changes once again.

you’re suddenly sitting in a small house, having dinner with jake. the two of you are wearing traditional garments from the joseon dynasty and you’re looking around as if it would explain anything to you. you realize that you’re still dreaming but this time you aren't watching from the side when jake approaches you, setting a pot down on the table in front of you, urging you to eat the soup.

you smile at him and are relieved that you were no longer witnessing jake cry about your passing like from the previous dream. it was such a surreal moment that you almost believed, maybe you still kind of do. the two of you share the meal together, grabbing the last piece of meat in the soup and offering it to jake; and once it’s finished– you’ve decided to put away your dishes while jake washed up for bed.

but there’s a sudden shift in the air and you soon realize that the dream has changed once again, but you aren’t sure where or how because everything still feels the same. you set the bowl down in the sink and leave the kitchen to find jake but you don’t find him. just as you’re about to call out for him, a knock at the front of your home gathers your attention.

a man holds a scroll and hands it to you when you open it, not saying a word but just bowing before he exits. you unravel the scroll and a gasp leaves your mouth as you drop the scroll, a soft thud as it reaches the ground.

the scroll reads that your husband, sim jaeyhun, has been killed in the war. you couldn’t believe it at first because you and jake were just sharing a dinner together and suddenly you’re being notified that he’s gone. tears stream down your face as you read the letter over and over, droplets soaking the paper on the ground as you crouched over the scroll.

you’re jolted awake when tears continue to fall from your eyes, sitting up in bed as you chest rises and falls. you look over to jake who is sleeping soundly, grateful that you didn’t accidentally wake him up. you sigh a breath of relief and lay back down, turning your body so you’re facing jake.

he looked so peaceful, his lips slightly parted as he softly snored; dried tears staining his face. you smiled as you watched him sleep as you tried to recall your dreams. although they were constantly doing a 180 from sadness and joy, it made you realize something. what you witnessed in your head were dreams, yes, but more specifically they were dreams of your past lives.

in each lifetime, you and jake spent it with each other; and then it clicked. every single deja vu moment you had with jake where you tried to think about why it felt so familiar and comfortable to be with jake was all because it all happened before. you had lived so many lives together and in each one, you found each other and fell in love.

jake is your soulmate and you are his.

3 weeks

jake has always loved fishing as a child and because you’d do anything to make jake happy, you planned a whole fishing trip with jake. you booked a cabin somewhere near a river and spent the weekend in the comfort of each other’s company while fishing together.

it even brought another deja vu moment, one where you felt like in another lifetime; you and jake lived in the countryside and he’d often go fishing and bring home a bountiful amount of fish for dinner. you smiled at the memory and although you don’t fully remember experiencing it, you believed that it was something that tied the two of you as soulmates.

2 weeks

as jake’s illness progressed and the timer ran, it became harder and harder for him to do things he normally could. you took it upon yourself to do everything you could to alleveate jake of having to exert too much energy, encouraging him to conserve his energy and that you’d be there to take care of him.

university was hard enough but with jake’s illness it became even harder. you’d atten his classes for him even though he told you that you didn’t have to but you chose to do it anyways. you’d show up in his classes, take notes and do his homework for him. a small gesture of kindness in return for all of the ways he’s taken care of you in the past.

it illicits another moment of deja vu for you and this time it’s of you and jake as children. you’re both spending time together at a playground during preschool; playing around and acting as if there was nothing in the world besides the two of you and the playground at school.

1 week

jake was soon admitted into the hospital as the illness left him bedridden. it was hard to see him glued to a hospital bed but it was even harder if you chose to not see him at all. when you came to visit him one day, there was an unsual smile on jake’s face.

he was strong and brave and throughout all of this; he kept a smile.

but the smile on his face when you walked into his hospital room was different.

“what’s got you all smiley?”

jake shrugs and teases you a bit before he speaks up. “come here..” he says, gesturing his head for you to come sit with him. the hospital bed dips a little as you sit beside him, a puzzled look on your face as you join him.

“i know this is a bit last minute– but i’ve thought about this every day for so long.” jake begins, coughing momentarily before he continues. “you’re the best thing to ever happen to me and you make me the happiest man in the world– and i’d be an idiot not to do this.

will you marry me?”

jake says, pulling out a ring from underneath the blanket and a gasp leaves your lips. the ring sparkled under the stark white lights of the hospital and you weren’t quite sure what to say, but there was only one thing that left your mouth.

“yes.” and suddenly a surge of energy waves through jake as he places the ring on your left hand and pulls you into a hug. a hug that felt like he’s been waiting for it for the last thousand years, a hug that carried the weight of your lives in the past and in the future.

“when did you even have the time to do this?” you ask, the two of you laughing through all of it.

you spend the night in the hospital with him as usual but have a small makeshift wedding in the room, using a medical bib as your veil while jake tucks a pillowcase into his hospital gown and slightly pulls it out like a tie.

another memory plays in your head that night when you two fall asleep and it’s similar to one you’ve seen before. you’re back during the joseon dynasty and it’s right before the war– you and jake had made an agreement that he may not return from the war so in a last minute decision, you have a wedding with just you and him. a last moment to share with each other and dedicate your love to the other even though you both knew that your love would be endless and would always follow.

on jake’s last day, all he had was a wish, and that was to spend his last day with you on the rooftop of your library– but due to his situation and status, the hospital declined. but you were able to pull some strings and after some convincing you had a surprise of your own for jake. the day was solemn and gray due to the circumstance that the two of you were in but you refused to show any signs of sadness on jake’s last day.

at least not one that he could see.

your surprise for him was the fact that the hospital had approved your idea of bringing jake to the rooftop of the hospital, where the two of you would spend your last moments together. you carefully pushed jake’s wheelchair as you made your way to the top floor and helped him to the roof.

he gathered what strength he had left and pulled himself out of the chair so he could stand next to you on the roof, the sun shining on your skin as the cool air wrapped itself around the two of you. it was peaceful and for the first time in a long time, it seemed like there was nothing wrong with the world.

jake had grown tired quick so you helped him back to his wheelchair but he refused, telling you that he wanted to just lay with you on the roof, his voice was a bit strained but he still had the same joy in his eyes when he looked at you. the cold surface of the roof welcomed your backs as you laid down, his hand in yours as the bright blue sky filled your visions.

“i’m so happy to have met you but you know what’s made me happier?” he asked and you turn to him, shaking your head in repsonse. he looks over at you with a smile before responding, “you made sure that my biggest fear didn’t come true by letting me experience love.” his words made you smile because it made you happy but deep down you knew he was telling you this because he could feel himself slipping away.

you just smiled at him and jake smiled at you, pulling you closer to him in one last embrace as he took his last breath. you could feel his heartbeat begin to get slower and slower and before you knew it, his chest was no longer rising or falling. you tried to fight the tears but eventually lost as you took a look at him, eyes shut peacefully but his face was directed towards you; like he wanted the very last thing he saw to be you.

“i love you, jaeyun..” you whispered.

three years later

it’s been several years since jake had passed and during that time you had graduated university, moved into a home of your own in the countryside near a peaceful river, and adopted a dog by the name of layla. she often reminded you of jake because they shared some mannerisms and had similar cuteness that kept you company.

you had taken up gardening and it occupied your daily life. it was a peaceful hobby that you enjoyed and your dog would run around your backyard as you tended to your garden.

right now, you were doing some garden maintence, trimming some weeds, watering plants, but more specifically looking after the tree sapling that you planted that was now just about your height. the tree held a special place in your heart because when you had first moved to this home, you planted the tree with jake’s ashes.

you purchased a tombstone in his honor that you’d plant next to the tree one day once it’s grown larger. it was still in the early stages of it’s growth but you believed in your abilities and the life your poured into the tree that it would grow healthily and bountiful. being without jake was harder than being alone but you knew that he’d be waiting for you again and that kept you going.

he’d encourage you to live a happy and fulfilling life and you wanted to do that in his honor. you smile at the ring on your finger as you think back to the memory of when you and jake got “married”. you laugh briefly at the memory and think back to some words that have been shared countless of times.

your love with jake would be through sickness and in health; and even through death– you wouldn’t part because you knew you’d find each other again.

”we’ll meet again one day jake, as our love is rooted in this earth and will flourish towards the sky” you say, gently patting the soil where the tree grows from; a sense of healing and prosperity fills your soul as you think back to something you learned at church as a young child.

the tree of life and it’s connection to eternal life but not in the way you had originally thought. instead of living a life forever, through immortality, it brought an epiphany that the life would be eternal through the bond you have with someone, your soulmate, that makes it feel like life goes on and continues because you’re able to spend it with your soulmate in each life.

Revelation 22:2 –down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.

the garden of eden

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