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zenosanalytic · 1 year ago

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This legit almost knocked me out. Like: I was laughing so hard that I got dizzy -WOOZY!- and had to make a fucking Willpower Check to summon the self-discipline not to chuckle myself into sleepynightnightland. I now have the Hiccups |:|

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

#Classic #Jack Dire #Comedy #Burritos #Dear Gyt Who Just Made My Burrito #Writing #Gr8 Art #appreciative reblogs #Dave Strider #u_u u_u #Search your Feelings you Know it to be True

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world0fmadness · 1 month ago

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TOO MUCH

pelle “ dead ” ohlin x reader

♡ nsfw headcanons for overstimulation with pelle!

୨୧ someone requested this and i was like, y’know, this could actually fit into kinktober so i could knock to balls out of the park so yeah! i’m using less bullet points these days which might make a work seem shorter but this is 2k words so it is not! there’s just less bullet points <3

♡ requested by anon | part two of kinktober | view my metal masterlists here and here

reading music recommendations: a wind upon the open fields by jute gyt - dead angels by funeral goat

♡ overstimulating pelle is not a hard task to do at all… the man is so unused to pleasure, so unused to feeling good that nearly every time in your early dating days, when he was still very much getting used to the new activities and unfamiliar feelings, you would almost always accidentally overstimulate him during sex…

୨୧ wether it be trying to ride him right into a second round, not realising just how spent he is and how much of a head rush he has or grinding your hips down against his cock as his body lays on top of yours, not realising how much his arms ache from holding his weight up above you and how sensitive his cock is as it softens inside of you

♡ to put it very bluntly, pelle is extremely easy to overstimulate, he is incredibly sensitive even in the months after you take his virginity, it takes a long while for him to ever get used to sexual pleasure

୨୧ though one thing it took a while to get around to was oral with pelle! he had ate you out many times before, especially on your period, but whenever he was horny and wanted to receive sexual pleasure, he always just wanted to have full on sex, he always wanted to bury himself in your warmth and paint your insides with his cum, using your insides as a canvas for lewd art…

♡ but it is still pretty early after taking his virginity when he feels like having his cock sucked for the first time, when he finally lets you drop to your knees without pulling you up and taking your panties off, without wanting more, when he finally feels like doing something other then being cocooned in your warmth or lapping at your wet cunt like a starved man

୨୧ as usual, the time that he finally feels up to it is during the dead of night, when the sun is completely hidden from sight and only the moon is shining through the window of your shared bedroom in the band house! with you and pelle being the only ones awake, sitting on your shared bed together as you talk to him about whatever topic comes to mind whilst pelle just watches your soft lips move as you talk, watching as your pink lips jut out in an unknowing pout when you realise he’s zoned out, laughing softly when he quickly looks back up to meet your eyes with a slightly lustful look in his eyes, mumbling quietly to you when he realised he’s been caught staring at your lips

“ sorry… just… you have nice lips, i’m sorry… ” ( he only ever apologises this much to you, he is so damn terrified of accidentally creeping you out and scaring you off )

♡ pelle won’t tell you what he wants, definitely not! he’s still so shy with actually telling you, with actually admitting that he wants to feel good… but lucky for him, it isn’t hard to see when pelle is horny, you know him like the back of your hand and you see the want in his eyes clear as day, you see the slight tent forming in his ripped up blue jeans as he keeps his eyes trained downwards, it’s only when you ask him softly yet bluntly if he wants a blowjob that he looks up with wide blue eyes and a slightly gaping mouth, obviously still not used to how straight to the point you are, still not used to how eager you are to please him… and yet he lets out a shaky breath before nodding his head, quickly moving his body to sit straighter up against the wall at the head of the bed as you crawl down the springy mattress and kneel next to his legs, your eyes looking up to watch lovingly as he blushes a deep red, to watch as his pale hands rest atop his thighs limply, shaking slightly with… excitement? nervousness? fear? you think it might just be a mix of both!

୨୧ it’s only when you take your eyes off him, tilting your head downwards towards his crotch as your hands go to undo his jeans that he looks down at you, his mouth dropped open to release heavy and ragged breaths, pupils dilated and black almost completely taking over his blue eyes as he watches your hands unzip his fly before pulling both his boxers and jeans down his thighs, his fists clenching slightly atop his thighs at the feeling of cold air against his cock as it springs up from under his black cotton boxers, already rock hard and practically begging for relief as pre cum oozes from the tip, it almost makes you drool as you look at it, licking your lips to soften them up a little before leaning your head down and taking his cock into your warm and welcoming mouth

♡ the feeling is so… different for pelle, so unlike the feeling of being buried inside of your tight cunt, so unlike the feeling of his own cold hand wrapped around his cock those few times he ever jerked off, so unlike anything he has ever felt before… it feels so new but so good, causing him to immediately release a sharp and loud moan as you take him all the way into your mouth, allowing his cock to brush against the very back of your warm throat before licking back up to his tip just to repeat the motion over and over, bringing your hand up to stroke his cock as you go! pelle is a goner, it does not take a genius to see it as he throws his head back, accidentally banging it against the hard white wall with a thump but he doesn’t even register the slight pain to his skull, too overrun with pleasure as you suck him off, both of his pale hands rising from their place on his thighs and coming to hold your head, guiding your movements faster and deeper as his fingers tangle in your hair with an accidental roughness that makes you moan around him, the vibrations only giving him more pleasure as his mouth drops open again to release strings of deep moans and some desperate curses, even some quiet pleas for more, for you to take him deeper and for you to moan around him once more

“ please… please, keep going… feels so good… your mouth feels so good… fuck! ” ( you have no clue what he says in swedish, you think some of it might just be gibberish as his mind is wracked with pleasure but you can recognise some words as definitely curses )

୨୧ it doesn’t take long for pelle to cum, with your warm mouth only taking him deeper each time you slide your head down onto him, his hands tangling in your hair tighter and guiding you even faster which makes you quicken your hand movements at the base of his cock to match your head movements! pelle just cannot stop moaning as you go, letting out a jumbled mess of gasps and scratchy moans, his toes are clenching tightly in his white socks as he feels a coil in his lower stomach, a warm heat taking over his usually cold body as he shoots salty white ropes into your mouth, holding your head down to the base of his cock as his cum paints the back of your pink throat and panting heavily in between low moans as his knees jut slightly from pleasure… but you don’t pull your head off him when he loosens his hand from your hair and begins to stroke it softly instead, no, you keep going, you begin moving your head up and down once again as his upper body lurches at the feeling

♡ his vision becomes spotted and blurred as he feels you taking his sensitive cock deeper into your throat once again, swallowing his cum from around him as his mouth gapes open, loud and desperate moans echoing through the room and surely waking at least one of his band mates up through the thin walls but they must be too proud of pelle for getting laid to bang against the walls or yell because it never comes… but pelle never pulls your head off him, never tries to tell you to stop or make any indication that he doesn’t want you to keep going because somehow, he does still want the pleasure, even when the pleasure is beginning to mix with the slight pain of overstimulation, he wants it so bad… the mix of pleasure and pain is heavenly to him and he thinks maybe he might just be dying from pleasure when his vision begins to darken and suddenly, his mind is thrust into complete darkness as his eyes roll back into his head

୨୧ at first, you don’t even realise he passed out! you take the silence after that last deep moan as him being too deep in pleasure to even make another sound, you take his hands loosening around your hair as him not wanting to pull your hair and possibly hurt you…

♡ it’s only when you trail your eyes up his body, landing on his face that your eyes widen and you quickly pull your wet mouth off his cock and lean over him, finally noticing his rolled back eyes and red flushed face, finally nothing that he passed the fuck out from you continuing to suck him off after he came in your mouth once! you feel horrible as pet his cold cheek softly, quietly mumbling apologies and curse words towards yourself as you realise just how crazy this is, how you actually just knocked him out by sucking him off a little too much! you take the time of him being passed out to tuck his cock back into his boxers and brush some of his long blonde hair out of his heated face, simply laying flat on your stomach beside him as you nervously bite your nails and wait for him to awake from his sudden slumber, checking every couple of seconds that he definitely is still breathing, always beyond thrown off by how actually dead he looks when sleeping… this would look terrible on your record! killing your boyfriend by sucking him off to much? by accidentally overstimulating him? i mean, the thought would make you laugh if you weren’t so genuinely worried…

୨୧ when pelle does wake up, he is beyond confused about what happened, he almost thinks he was dreaming the whole thing as he sees his cock is tucked away in his pants and you are not leaning over him with that sultry look in your eyes as you look up at him with his cock in your mouth… at least he thinks it was all a dream until you squeak out an apology from beside him, looking at him with an apologetic look painted across your face whilst telling him how sorry you are and how you totally should’ve just stopped, quickly asking him if he wants any water or tea or really anything but shutting up when he slowly shakes his head, beginning to talk in a slightly raspy voice when you calm down a bit and quiet down

“ it’s okay… you didn’t do anything wrong, nothing… it felt good, just… too much… ” ( and it did feel crazy good to him! he felt like he was about to die from pleasure, what a dreamy way to go… but he does not want you to think that he was hurting or annoyed by you accidentally overstimulating him )

♡ it doesn’t take long for pelle to fully recover from his sudden loss of consciousness as his head begins to level out, feeling more and more less lightheaded as the seconds tick by! but he can see you’re still feeling a little guilty, he can read you so well and he just takes your hands to pull you over from beside him, pulling your body on top of his and moving his hands the back of your head to pull you down to meet him in an eskimo kiss, rubbing his boney nose against your as you settle on top of him, flashing a smile at you as you flash one back, moving your head to rest on his shoulder as he strokes your back whilst you talk to him, making soft conversation through the night as the moon watches through the window <3

#requested ✩#kinktober ✩#pelle ohlin x reader #dead x reader #mayhem x reader #mayhem headcanons #lords of chaos x reader #lords of chaos headcanons #loc x reader #loc headcanons #headcanons

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