#GOOD MORNING FUCKOS

[not-those-kids]

“Jesus, who found her?”

“Who do you fuckin’ think?”

inspo from one of my fave uc fics

been thinking abt baby sam again lads

commission info

[femvaylin]

I think I’ve bullied and tormented him enough. It’s time to give him a bowl of soup and a blanky

[evilminji]

You know what would be hilarious? The Totally Normal Collage Life of one Valerie Gray(tm)!

She PROMISED you see.

It is fuled by the unspeakable rage of every one of her ancestors trying to do their damn job at on 2 hours of sleep and no coffee. Maternal line, of course. Her FATHER'S bloodline is bizarrely chill.

But dear LORD you should have seen her grandpa yeeting hooligans into composting heaps for getting in the way of his early morning baking. You don't MESS with grandpa's bakery, people learned THAT fast. Long time Amity natives the lot of um! All sorts of interests. That side of the family got real... ob.. sessive....

Waaaaaait a second. She's connecting some dots.

Not important! (Currently.)

See, her dad WORRIES. And SHE worries cause her dad worries. So she PROMISED! No funny business. No ghosts. And NO, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, crime fighting! Just go to her classes and get good grades. Focus on setting her self up for a good future.

O7 yes sir, dad sir! Fuck them ghosts and their nonsense!

So she studied like the brilliant young woman she is. Got FANTASTIC scholarships. Checked out the various colleges. And??

Honestly?

Vibes were RANCID.

Some city's were too... twee? If that makes sense? And some too "time fucky". Others felt "magical nonsense" and "barren Ectoplasmic wasteland"? And the last few were just kinda racist, so that was not happening. Like the CITIES were fine! But the SCHOOLS were... Subtext Heavy.

She might have had to break somebody if she stayed their too long.

She's heard Paulina's going to one of those, though. So... Ha! Rip in pieces fuckos. She honestly can't wait too see THAT gruesome trainwreck from a safe distance. Paulina's gonna THRIVE. Its probably why she even CHOSE that school.

Where was she? Oh, right!

She's deeply fucked and it's Batman's fault!

See, Valerie? Kinda chose Gotham U. It... wasn't her WISEST choice for her "totally normal, crime fighting free, young adult adventures(tm)" but like? What can you do? Gotham just feels so HOMEY!

And MAYBE she gets a little too relaxed. Too tired from a long day of studying.

Some rando tries to mug her with riddles or something! Look, she was TIRED. Not listening. She kicks his ass and goes home. And the plant protest lady. Or that crocodile not-a-ghost?! And YEAH, maybe flying to class wasn't the BEST idea! But like?

How was SHE supposed to know someone saw her?!

@hdgnj @hypewinter @nerdpoe @lolottes @ailithnight @mutable-manifestation

[fishcemetery]

[<- entry 6.5] [ENTRY 7: MUMMY ISSUES] [entry 8 ->]

You might've noticed I don't treat my storytelling seriously at all. My gameplay is almost entirely preserved in instances of the game clowning out and finding new exciting ways to throw me off – therefore, I can afford to get crazy about something unrelated for a few weeks, and then waltz right in with another random goof report, because goof reports are pretty self-sufficient even without the previous entries. Convenient, isn't it?

This next one takes us back to Al Simhara, and the very first morning back is marked by a quest. THE quest.

First of all, "become torched, soaked and cursed (in that order)" is a phenomenal sequence of words. It's a shame I never get into any real spats on Tumblr, because I'd gladly wish it on an indecorous fucko or two.

Second of all, the mysterious quest giver of mystery decided to erase their name from the objective altogether, which isn't too surprising. They must realize that only a sick, twisted individual would dare subject others to a challenge like that, and it's bad for their image to accidentally out themself as someone who likes to drag people through torture courses.

Anyway, I'm in.

The Pyramid of the Burning Sands seems like a perfect place to start. The torching and soaking part goes splendidly (as much as it can), but when the time comes to get cursed, the record scratches abruptly.

I don't think Jo has sufficient skills to take down a mummy at this point, but her traits and good spirits must be coming into play. In other words, unfortunately, she's just too lucky. Not only does she reduce an ancient king to a pile of ashes...

...he now has the looks and consistency of something you'd pull out of a clogged kitchen sink. Honestly, he'd probably be better off getting teabagged like in any other PvP.

One royalty out of commission, I start thinking back to another active sarcophagus. Our next best bet is Queen Nosylla, who hangs out in the fanciest room of the Great Pyramid (see: the bottom). The last time we visited, Nosylla wiped the floor with Jo's merry ass in well under ten seconds, so I have high hopes for her.

Nosylla, however, has a grudge and the deviousness to match it.

She throws a piece of a dive well at Jo and refuses to engage any further. Dispirited, we comb through the other sarcophagi inside the pyramid, but if Nosylla can't (or won't) do it, nobody else in Egypt can.

I don't even bother to screenshot the rest of the fights. Jo barrels through every single one, leaving nothing but mummy dust in her wake. I keep her up all night, banking on the negative exhaustion moodlet to lower her chances at another victory, but Jo continues to stand undefeated, albeit a bit woozy.

Right then and there, when I'm finally beginning to give up and consider cheats, we're saved from our wild mummy chase by a well-timed crash. In the best Sims 3 traditions. It throws us far back to the start of the quest, which sounds utterly frustrating, but in practice means that Jo gets a second go at every mummy.

Not even a couple of sim hours later she gets thoroughly cursed in the Burning Sands. In the best Sims 3 traditions. King Kitchen Sink Residue VIII, likely terrified of the fate that befalls him in an alternate universe, gets a grip and pulls through for the entire mummy population of Al Simhara (with the exception of Queen Nosylla, who doesn't give a damn either way).

However, Jo's mummy issues don't end here. As it turns out, we'll soon be stuck with them for a long time. A very, very long time.

[ultimat3d3bait3r78]

TFW YOU COMPL3T3LY FORGOT ABOAT TH3 12TH P3RIG33 BALL BUT YOUR MOIRAIL IS A L3G3ND AND H3LP3D YOU G3T AN OUTFIT AROUND LAST MINUT3!!!

DO I LOOK DAPP3R AF OR WHAT??????

TFW you completely forgot about the 12th Perigee Ball but your moirail is a legend and helped you get an outfit around last minute!

Do I look dapper af or what?

(ooc,,, i didnt know this event was a thing until like a few days ago so ive been busting my ass trying to make smth good =_=... i had an almost complete piece before this one with a totally differnet outfit + vibe but i lowkey hated it and scrapped it this morning X[

so this final piece is my labor of love for this little fucko of a troll because i just spent the last like 4 hours chained to my laptop, frantically working on this from start to finish lollol

also! here's the art w/o the filters or bg lights since i like my base colors a lot too)

[chitsangenthusiast]

Joke's on you, fucko, I'm always online.

good morning to you too, you fuck!

[smilepaint]

Hi!! Just needed you to know your picrew is my fav picrew of all time, extremely good work. Love the genuine style, great selection of options, just a really solid composition overall. I remember it went missing a good while ago (deleted/removed, I assumed) and I'm so glad to see it's back! I dunno when you reuploaded it but thank you! Given the anti-ai message that's included in it now, I totally empathize and understand why you had concern enough to take it down for a while. I just looked it up this morning and was relieved to see it was back and wanted you to know! I'm off to make some things, thanks!

im glad you like it! but ohh no omg.. all that happened in the time span of a few months in like 2022, its been up the majority of the time :'D but yea that was because some fucko kept using it to sell nfts as i was recovering from major surgery. subsequently a bunch more people started using it to sell "commissions" where they'd slightly edit it and claim it was their own art. thankfully picrew itself actually implemented more protections in favour of the artist so at this point I'm fine to have it chilling there in the bg

[mqfx]

i think i would need to see mqfx in an entirely different light before i would believe they would enjoy being humiliated. possibly because its also just not my thing although i have thought about what must be appealing about it (the joy, the release of understanding that someone sees you as imperfect but is still interested in a relationship with you? the realization that even if someone does believe these things they're saying they still want to at the very least have sex? feel free to correct me if this isnt actually the appeal ive just come to this conclusion on my own)

ANYWAY. i think i'd have to view their squabbling in an entirely different light, like one or both of them doesn't have their heart really in it and are keeping up their side of the argument for pride's sake or! maybe everyday life behaviors have absolutely no connection whatsoever to what one enjoys sexually (<- totally possible, what do i know)

tldr im on your side the fighting might be homoerotic but perhaps not in that flavor exactly

good morning anon <3 i'm awake now (kinda) and my lawyer can't do shit to meeeeeee so let's talk about it

ok for everyone who didn't see the post i deleted, the tldr of what i said was: "i don't think any of the xianle 4 would be into degradation. hc bc he'd kill himself before being mean to xl, xl bc he wouldn't keep a straight face, and mq/fx would literally just argue. on the other hand i think if either mq or fx were somehow sincere enough to tell the other person "you are good" they'd finish too fast (crass! my lawyer disapproved!!) so. can't praise each other bc they'd both like it too much, can't insult each other bc then they'd have to pause sex for a fistfight break. sad!" <- paraphrasing but it was funnier last night

i'm not qualified to address the first thing bc i didn't take kink studies in college (we DID have one, hashtag liberal arts!! but i was busy doing REAL work pestering my old man and drinking in stats class) but that's probably true at least for some people bc everyone always has a different reason for these things. it's subversive, it's pain under control in a safe environment, it's reaffirming, it's addressing trauma, sometimes even self harm so watch out! (sex, like any action, can be detrimental if you're not careful, but that is not the action's fault)

the second thing i CAN address (points to my nametag) SO: i don't think either mq or fx are the type to do anything by halves they're both passionate (fx obviously, mq within the many layers of his artichoke* heart) so i do think every argument they have is real and not just for pride's sake. if either of them didn't wanna argue they just wouldn't and the other guy would be like "um......what's wrong w u 🤨 (concern disguised as suspicion)"

i Wouldn't say that daily life has no connection at all to kinks but that's a discussion i'm not having on my sideblog (tldr: these european fuckos have been arguing about sublimation** and libido longer than i've been alive. Scholar Charlie assumes that whatever doesn't get sublimated finds its way into one's sex life and vice versa but don't quote me on thiiiiiisss i should've taken that damn class fr)

as a sidenote: what we might find hot is not necessarily what the characters might find hot. not to lend personhood to the narrative devices (especially when fanfiction is literally the "play with them like paper dolls" genre of writing) but it's an important distinction to make as readers and writers. like do i think for example that mq's emotional repression and torment is hot? very. do you think He's enjoying it??? jury's out (though with melancholic types one Must assume they derive some relief, even if harmful, from flagellation)

back to the important matter of mqfx's hypothetical sex life: in canon they insult each other in equal measure and there's no one in that situation who is actively/consistently made to feel lower than the other (whether they actually do is incidental). it's not that their squabbles Wouldn't make it to the bed but it simply doesn't count as degradation. argument (equal) ≠ degradation (power dynamic). am i saying it's impossible for them to have ANY S/M thing going on?? also no bc as mentioned before i think mq views Everything as a power struggle, but fx also strikes me as the type of guy who would really really like getting called good boy but he doesn't know this about himself. for that matter mq would probably like some praise too he's just way more roundabout with it

this is aaaaaaallllll a very convoluted way of saying "yes the fighting is still homoerotic, not on the basis of unequal standing but because they're equals. i don't think they specifically find the insult aspect of fighting hot, and in fact some mutual kindess would be nice. would they do it that way though? idk"

ok gotta get ready for smth this took me 2 hours to think. byeeeee

*here i got distracted looking for artichoke facts bc i saw on my gramma's cooking show that it's basically a thistle and it's got a spiny center you gotta scoop out before eating. anyway it's from the mediterranean! so don't use it in canon-compliant fic lol

**death in venice is in that wiki article :( why did my ex-mutual leave meeeeeeeee (<- divorced)

[sushigal007]

Over to the last Monty household.

Beatrice: Dad just magically graduated college! Benedick is dying. Beatrice: This isn’t about him.

But yeah. I don’t know if he had flu or food poisoning, but I guess it got worse when he was showing up in the background for the last few years and as soon as I made him playable, he keeled over. Antonio: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Beatrice: Dad would you chill for a sec? I’m trying to catch a shiny. Beatrice: Aaaaaaaand... pause.

Beatrice: Please don’t reap my brother, it’ll ruin my week.

Grim: All right, you know how this goes.

Beatrice: BIG YES!

Grim: Look, this happens quite a lot, you really don’t have to make such a big deal- Beatrice: VICTORY DANCE!

Benedick: Thanks, sis, you’re the best. Beatrice: And don’t you forget it.

I’m not sure anything’s gonna top being brought back from the dead, game.

Cornwall: How dare you! I’m married! And you interrupted my very important bin-kicking!

Anyway, Benedick’s motives are all skew-whiff after that near-death experience, so I sent him out to use up some energy.

Bottom: Oh my, what a stud! Benedick: Hee hee hee boing boing.

Benedick: Throw a real punch!

Isabella: She calls that a punch? What d’ya think, should we go in there and teach those infants how to throw a real punch? Albany: Perhaps after dinner.

Isabella: All right, fucko, dinner’s over, and dessert is a KNUCKLE SANDWICH! Ginger: So hey, those old people behind you are going for it like a rock’em sock’em robot. Benedick: Please. Don’t acknowledge them.

Albany: A SANDWICH ISN’T EVEN DESSERT! Benedick: I’m just... gonna go get a drink.

Bartender: Aren’t you a teenager? Benedick: A teenager with money.

The fighting was getting annoying, so I had Benedick hit up another lot and hit on Isaac Curious here.

And then, home, just in time for... *squints* Alvin Futa here to kick over the bin. Alvin: I’m a Capp now! No you’re not, you’re barely a character. You’re lucky I even went to the effort of googling your name, I thought you were Ricky Cormier.

Antonio: Money can be exchanged for goods and services and legal name changes.

Beatrice: Ahh, a nice cup of tea.

Roxie: Hey, quick question, what the fuck? Honestly no idea, babes. You can have some new gloves when I get to your household.

Beatrice: I love this place. My memory is a bit shit, but I seem to recall it’s glitched and I had to teleport some people in to trigger walkbys? Beatrice: Why would you do that? The lack of people was what I liked best.

Cute stray.

Sharla: Yeah, money’s pretty great. Benedick: But you know what’s even better? Sharla: What’s that?

Benedick: LEAVES!

Sharla: But is it art?

A joke that will probably only make sense to about three people, one of which is me.

Antonio: And that’s why I became an architect!

Antonio: And now to look around for building inspiration.

Beatrice: Computer’s broke. HOW!? I literally just brought that! I’m not even joking, I brought it so she could fulfil a want, and she immediately broke it.

Decided it was time to invite Isabella and Patrizio over for a little family bonding. Patrizio: So long as the bonding involves a delicious, home-cooked meal.

No comment, just happy family fun times.

This time Antonio was the one whose energy was out of sync, so he did some skilling over at the library.

And then the next morning, I sent them out for breakfast. Beatrice: Where’s Benedick? Oh, his hunger bar’s full, so he-

-has decided to lean right into that stereotype about teenage boys eating tons by joining the group anyway. Benedick: Gotta keep my strength up in case I die again!

And then it’s off to the local museum. Beatrice: Can you say “parrot”? Parrot: Parrot. Beatrice: Yes! My very own Pokemon!

Chloe: Oh, I’m serving something, all right.

More leafy fun.

And to round off the week, I invited Bianca’s family over. Townie: Hey kid! Paris: Mom? Bianca: Remember what I told you, don’t make eye contact with them, and they can’t hurt you.

Antonio: I never realised how fulfilling being an architect could be.

Beatrice: Don’t suppose you could help we with some maths? Bianca: I’ll be honest with you kid, I intentionally forgot how to do any of that the moment I aged up, you’re gonna have to ask someone else.

Beatrice: Aliens? Any of you lot know trig?

Benedick: Um, are you two OK? Sahira: Definitely not, please help.

Bartended: You again? Benedick: Life is short. Townie: Heeyyyyyy teenage boy! Benedick: For some people, not short enough.

Uberhood Index

[squish--squash]

oh yeah idk if I ever told y'all this but I have a funny story that happened back in september involving evangelical protesters, a lesbian flag, a rainbow umbrella, and an impromptu pride party

(it may be a bit long, so story is under cut!)

Okay so, let's preface with the context:

I attend a public university. This means that people, if they want, can reserve spaces around campus for events. This is usually used for tailgating during sports seasons.

But it also means other people can reserve places of high foot traffic, such as evangelical protesters with anti-abortion signs with the signature "repent or hell" bullshit signs.

Anyways apparently these fuckos have been doing this shit for years so upperclassmen and some of the LGBT and activism groups had already been warning as many underclassmen and transfer students as they can, so for the most part a good bit of the student body knew to avoid the water fountain in the middle of campus or else.

However, since I had an 8am the morning they arrived and am prone to not checking my phone, I had no clue about this at first. I actually cross the fountain on my way to and from my class, so I saw some people standing around and wondered what they were doing. And I got my answer as I was walking back from that class and saw the signs and was like "oh my fucking god there are religious nuts on campus"

I sat down in a building near the fountain to check my phone, where I learned from my friends what was going on. Now, since I didn't have a class until 2:30 (which ended up being cancelled after all), and also didn't have anything that needed to be done that day, I decided I wanted to be a peaceful shit and go bother the protesters because I knew they were already making and were going to make even more a lot of people uncomfortable and feel unsafe (and if their attention was on me, they weren't going to harass others).

However, none of my friends were available to come with me, and I was considering just going back to my dorm.

Until an acquaintance arrived. I knew her because she was friends with someone from my hometown I talked to occasionally, and since she's kinda important to this story later let's call her "A".

Anyways A asked me if I'd seen the protesters, and when I said yeah and that I was planning to go bother them, she said she was about to ask me if I wanted to go and bother them too since she was on her way to the fountain.

And so we both went to the fountain.

At the fountain were like, 3-5 or so men who looked like they hadn't showered in 5 months and came from the woods, a woman who looked tired, and her two young sons (who I later found out were homeschooled, which is so, so heartbreaking). All of them protesters. There's one man that's the focal center, who is yelling just complete bullshit (I can't even remember half of what he said bc I just tuned it out like a bad radio or smth), while the rest of them were holding abysmal anti-abortion signs full of misinformation and graphic images and trying (and failing) to pass out flyers/brochures.

When we get there A goes up to the main yeller and starts having a civil discussion with him because she told me she likes to debate. I sat down by the fountain wall next to someone with a frog hat on (I'll dub them "Frog Hat"), who was blasting music as loud as they could on the small speaker they had. The music? I'm not sure what bands or genres, but it was definitely music that those protesters thought was satanic.

Me and Frog Hat have a nice chat while watching the flyer guy continue to fail at passing out stuff. Highlights of his failures include many people shaking their heads and putting their hands up and away, multiple sneers of disgust, and this absolute queen who had an umbrella and used it as a shield as she walked by (I will call her "Queen" because she will return to this story later and own up to that title).

Now during the watching of flyer guy fail, another girl joins me at the fountain. We start chatting (let's dub her "L"), and it's going well, but then she pulls out a large lesbian flag from her backpack, and we spread the flag over our laps in lesbian solidarity. She also pulls out a rainbow umbrella and hands it to me to keep us shaded since the sun had come out from behind clouds. I think it's crucial to note that the flag and umbrella are going to become very prominent features of this story.

And so there's four of us. The three of us at the fountain doing miniscule counter protesting, and A who's still debating with the main yeller.

But that's when some more people show up.

At first it's some members of the campus's activism group, who ask us if we're doing alright and have a little tote with them (spoiler alert, it's pronoun and lgbt pins), along with a couple signs. Some of the members have stuff to do so they leave, but some others stick around the fountain and start quietly counter protesting with us. (During this time there's this REALLY pretty woman me and L spot walking past the fountain area a couple of times, we dubbed her "the goddess"; a little while later she returns with her own sign, and joins us. An absolute win.)

as more people arrive to watch and (later on) be a menace, Frog Hat has to sadly leave for classes, and so we're without music.

Until I suggest to the few people around me I've been talking to for us to play circus music on our phones as "fitting background music" for the protesters.

It takes a couple minutes of slow data speeds and finding the same video, but eventually there's 5 people playing circus music in sync. It was fantastic, but sadly didn't last long because someone in the growing crowd got irked by a protester and started yelling.

Now, to avoid anything happening, I get an idea and ask L if we can use her flag and umbrella as some sort of shield to put between the students and protesters. This spawns, what I mischievously called, the "gay censorship plan". Since it would be hard to walk protective circles around a group of moving students, we decide it would be easier to just block the main guy who's yelling bs (he also has a sign, which we try to block as well).

So gay censorship springs into action and me, L, and other people that switch out occasionally held up the lesbian flag in front of the yeller, blocking him from looking at the student body; I see it as a win of multiple fronts, because the guy looked crusty as fuck. Since I was also the tallest of the flag-holders, I also held up the umbrella as an extra shield, making sure to block the guy's face if the flag dropped too low or to try and block his sign (at some point the guy manages to extend the pole of the sign raising it higher, which I found funny but also makes you think this probably wasn't too uncommon if he was that prepared...). There were also times I detached from the flag to go over and cover the more graphic signs they set up with the rainbow umbrella because really, nobody wanted to see that on a tuesday morning.

The guy was constantly moving too, but so were we. Every time the guy moved, we got in front of him.

More people are arriving at this point, donning pride flags and booty shorts. There was even someone there in a cat maid costume. Queen returned to deliver absolute scathing remarks every time the yeller said smth, and someone showed up with a big speaker to play some zesty lgbt-friendly music on it.

During this escapade A gets a sign from someone and joins the gay censorship gang. We start chatting again, and while watching people having fun counter-protesting I remember that one video of two guys kissing at an anti-lgbt protest. I mention it to A, jokingly say "even tho I haven't had my first yet, I would so kiss a girl rn to make the protesters mad."

Well. Next thing I know, A and I are standing like 10 feet off to the side of the yeller, umbrella and sign off to the side, A shouts "People! Can I have everyone's attention for just only one moment!" (even the yeller stopped talking for a second), and I have my first kiss

Shit y'all not, the students who saw it cheered. I (very awkwardly, voice crack included) yelled "First kiss, baby!", which got even more cheers, but also the attention of the yeller, who then screamed that lesbians were going to hell.

It's a pride party at that point. People are dancing to music and screaming "YEAH!" every time the yeller says smth stupid. We continue to cover him up until he decides to stop in front of the fountain, where people with pride flags hop on top of the fountain wall and essentially cover the guy with flags. literally. The only thing you could've seen was his sign, which got half-covered by a handmade sign a very tall guy was holding.

There were some people who tried to argue with the guy, but since you can't argue with stupid it was a bit of a lost cause, but for the most part people just treated it like a party with some annoying thing in the far background. It was like the lgbt community at my college just individually got up and decided to schedule a pride event at the same place as the protesters.

Eventually the protesters packed up and left at around 1, but it was a wonderful couple of hours (I mean sure I was slurred at and insulted but I literally couldn't take any of it serious enough to be offended or frightened)

I know that what we all did didn't help our case (and in the protesters' minds "proved" their conceptions about us) but we all knew they'd never change their views anyways, so why not have a little fun?

Anyways this October the activism group released an opportunity for anyone who felt unsafe by the presence of the protesters or harassed by them to write a letter for the group to eventually send to the higher ups at our university to see if they can get the protesters banned on account of making their student body feel uncomfortable on their own campus.

The yeller also uploaded his body cam footage of him being an idiot to youtube bc ofc they have a yt channel, so not only am I a pretty common sighting in that video but the audio of my first kiss is on there too, which I think is hilarious.

That's the end of my story now, hope it was as funny as I think it was.

[andreirlfrfr]

good morning fucko

Don’t forget your coffee this time🫶

MORNING!! and I didn't forget today!! Yippie!!!

[jackalopefreckles]

IM GAY AND FALLING FOR A GUY ITS MIDNIGHT MY FRIENDS ARE ASLEEP so lmao lets talk yall 💖😍🌈💖🔥🥰🌈💖🔥😘🌈🔥💖🌈🥰💖🌈🔥💖😍🌈💖🥳🌈🔥💖😘🌈🔥💖 hes a single dad 2 kids one gay like me lmao also a little gender fucko which?? Adorable. Hes sOO funny and sweet and he makes me laugh and hes easy to talk to and I just?? Fit with him well?? Easy to cuddle and give affection to?? Also tmi but hes just so good at fucking me holy shit our second date he took me to a drag show then back to his place and the next morning he made me pancakes and I got him to fuck me again

[evilminji]

Speaking of Summoning?

We don't see people fuck it up enough. Or CAPTIVES deliberately fuck up their captor's work. Like? Yeah, you are hogtied so tight you look three parts chain to one part man, but you can still WIGGLE.

Aggressively wiggle over that rune until it's too blurry to function! Kick at it with your heel until you scrape the paint! Smear that shit around! You're not here because you WANT to be! Fuck being a polite hostage. Make their life difficult!!!

Or BETTER?

The "$4000 bucks for chalk" take!

It's not the MATERIALS that make John "fuck you" Constantine a force to reckoned with. It's the DECADES of time, training, mistakes, fuck ups, FIXING those mistakes and fuck ups, then surviving the resulting fires.

Any idiot with a voice and some poor impulse control, can use most of those books.

John is GOOD at what he does, because he SURVIVED it. Knows when to stop. What to fuck up on purpose. HOW to do it. And what the results will be.

You're not impressive because you can light your dick on fire with magic.

You're just an idiot.

And when some "you are held back by your FEAR~!" Delusions of grandure fucko, one AGAIN crawls out of the muck like he's something God damned special, and not on the quick bus to a gory unspeakable end? Plays fast and loose with things that SHOULD NOT be let free? Yeah, John exhausts himself keeping millions of people from learning what the inside of Hell looks like.

Wakes up here.

Honestly surprised he wakes up at all.

Most of Dark is here. And Every Single One looks UNSPEAKABLY pissed. Like they got chewed on by a tree thrasher. That was probably on fire, given half the burns he's seeing.

The bastards monologuing, probably thinks they're hanging off his every word. Arrogant prick. Mostly though it's just intense eye contact and eyebrow charades over gags. Head gestures. Seeing who has what and if anyone's concussed. Honestly? You get good at shit like this, after a few too many times bound and gagged.

First mistake always is and has been, not killing them when you had the chance.

But... Zatanna is looking way too pale. And when she sharply gestures with her head? He sees WHY.

Blood on the floor. Not random. Just shitty, shitty writing and no binding agents. Oh sweet merciful fuck. It's not even CHARGED. No grooves to HOLD the blood in a way to keep most of it away from the air. Just splatter painted with some cheap brush on the unscrubbed floor, mixing and contaminated by god knows what, IN LAYERS.

Because it keeps drying.

Because OF COURSE IT KEEPS DRYING, YOU FUCK.

You are DOING IT WRONG.

Is he using THEIR blood? Oh sweet fuck he is. Are you ser-!? One of them is a CHIMPANZEE! Blood's blood literally changes! John's is fucked up! This idiot really things you can just slap it down like PAINT and trot off on your merry lil way, doesn't he? Why don't you just throw "Chemicals" at it next! Big ol bag of whatevers on hand!

At least he has people to share his outrage and horror with.

Oh god, is he STILL talking? Really. REALLY? How long has he...?

Wait. WHAT.

Crazy pants has "found" (more likely was lead by the nose too) a way to True Name Summoning people?! As in "kidnap from literally anywhere and bind them to your will, because unlike normal Summoning Targets they can't fuck off back home under their own power, so it's either submit or stay trapped until you die"??! Oh fuck. Oh shit, oh fuck.

And, OF COURSE, he's going to TEST his new fun trick?

On the Justice League.

Fucker, turns and starts chanting. John is closet, but everyone throws themselves forward. Even though none of them can really move, they have too TRY. His eyes shoot around the shit writing. Trying desperately to make out familiar symbols. Anything. Something. THERE!

He never thought he'd be grateful for all those far too drunk nights and pounding morning hangovers. But he is FAST wiggling across the floor, scrunching and swinging himself around, too sharply scrape the heel of his boot at the concrete floor, just inside that omenious off color Summoning. The layers of blood, painted down again and again to keep the "fresh", stick together like paint chips. Are raised just enough, his shoe tred catches, and all but pops the rune he's aiming for clean off.

Power surges as the spell completes.

He yanks his foot back before he runs the risk of losing it.

The light flares. And between one moment and the next? There are white hazmat boot standing just on the other side of the writen line, from John's face. He looks up into a young, pallet swapped, face. Nightwing, younger then he should be, wrong colors, different uniform. Confused look on his face quickly melting to that familiar "someone's about to get their ass kicked" look as he assesses the situation.

John grins like the MEANEST lil shark. (And yes, he DID steal this look of an ex.)

It WORKED.

Because half the people behind the kid? Not THEIR League. Hero's, yeah, he left that rune alone. But the "civilian identity" that was tied up in the "of this reality" one? Whoops! Guess it was forced to grab any applicable version of the Hero, from the Multiverse, who WASN'T currently off duty. Sure hope your bindings work on THEM!

AND it didn't tip off every single hero OFF duty!

The kid steps over the binding line, bends down, and snaps the chains around John with his bare hands. Offers him a hand up. He takes it. Gets a front row view of alternate versions of his colleges testing to see who is and isn't able to step out. Quiet a few are. Oh dear~, oh dear~. All these Heros! What's a lad to do, huh chucklefuck?

They would like a word.

@nerdpoe @the-witchhunter @hypewinter @hdgnj @mutable-manifestation @lolottes @babbling-babull

[lazicepie]

the birds are up and shit. good morning fuckos of australia

[vespertine-legacy]

Did I tell y’all that I made a Zuvi clone to replay her story and have a pub toon who could meet up with my friends who have the gall to live in Europe and play on the European servers? Well, I did, and she made friends with @miss-spooky-eyes​‘s adorable Trooper yesterday. Spoops was incredibly patient with me while I leveled 2vi up high enough for us to do heroics together, and then Zuvi got a little slap-happy while waiting for Kith to come back from getting d/c’d (she obliterated the same mob about seven times and then just showed off her guns to an uncaring Kith while Elara looked on in disapproval).

Spoops is probably horrified at my play style (fling self face-first into trouble? yes please!), but also followed me off a cliff, so.... (”hey, turns out Kith will jump off a cliff if Zuvi does it first!”). At one point, wife (knowing that I was leveling up my Zuvi clone) got worried when I said something about “oops, didn’t mean to shoot that,” and asked why I make Zuvi suffer, and I responded with, “It’s okay, she’s got a lovely level 60 commando protecting her while she’s squishy!”

And later, after spoops had to leave, Zuvi jumped down from a ledge she most certainly should not have jumped down from and landed with 21 hit points, which read as 0% hp--but she lived! (Look, she triggered a platinum enemy she had absolutely no business fighting, ran away from him, got the datacron he was guarding, had no safe path away from him, so down was the only option, and down was painful.) But she went from level 6 to level 30 in one day, so overall, I’m gonna call it a win.

Also, there’s no way Zuvi didn’t fuck Senator Vanara Kayl:

[the-russian-cosmonaut]

expresso