#GOD there was like. a full week where i only listened to that song literally back to back

[torchickentacos]

my discord mutuals can probably always tell when i'm writing because i'll have my spotify on the same five songs on repeat

[wonryllis]

daddy issues, my little girl (m) | park jongseong.

﹙ 🎬 ﹚ ぃ ────𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹,

preview. you had always had daddy issues, for as long as you could remember. so when jay came along with his caring nature, how could you possibly keep your feelings at bay? not to forget, your roses of love have wilted long before you even knew what love meant but jay, he’s here at your doorstep with a watering can. will you be able to refuse?

or where, new neighbor dr jay park is asked to babysit you over the week. ironically the only man you have ever had a crush on. you are so determined to put aside the feelings but jay makes things so much harder. he is way too sweet and caring and you are way too pessimistic and insecure. how is it going to work with you gravitating towards him in inadvertence and jay welcoming your presence with candor radiance? especially with all of your buried issues coming to life more than ever. false hopes and reserved secrets, reluctant truths and feelings that linger deep. he is right there, two doors away to reach. so why is it that love still feels so far?

meet the cast. daddy park jongseong(jay) with his doll fem!reader

genre. neighbour to lovers, age gap (like 7 years), romance, SMUT MDNI!!, comfort angst, fluff, happy ending, doctor(might change that)!jay with his precious girl. jay literally always at his girl's beck and call, he cares about you a lottttt trope. the "i know you can do it, but let me do it for you" trope. kinda ddlg concept idk? he's like your pillar, comfort person and just everything you have ever needed. practically your dream man come to life. subject to additions later on.

word count. 18-19k so far, est around 35k revamp + second installment.

warnings. DARK THEMES: hints of: daddy issues, attachment anxiety, inferiority complex, abandonment issues, depression, childhood emotional neglect, philophobia, insomnia, social anxiety, hints at emotional/psychological abuse, gaslighting, hints at being suicidal, people pleaser syndrome, mommy issues, thantophobia, atelophobia, atychiphobia, pistanthrophobia, avoidant personality disorder, body dysmorphia. more could be added on release and nsfw warnings will be mentioned in full fic.

theme song. daddy issues by the neighborhood and future by red velvet. on the side you can listen to: love letter by bolbbalgan4, adore you by harry styles, pacify her by melanie martinez, cool kids by echosmith, your existence by wonstein, teenage dreams by katy perry ..

RELEASING. TBD, progress ! 57%

"i’m home!” slipping off your converse, you put the pair inside the shoe cabinet near the entrance and close the wooden door in a sigh before trudging in. the lights in the living room are dimmed, something your parents would never do. it catches you a tad bit off guard but nevertheless you try not to think too much. considering the silence surrounding you they most definitely are out for work and as usual forgot to turn off the lights. with cautious steps you walk futher inside, with all intention to sneak in a pack of chips from the kitchen like a thief even though at this point you’ve practically come to the conclusion you’re home alone, but one can never be too careful.

a cat like shriek leaves you when your eyes land on the back of a figure sitting on the couch, your phone almost slipping through the grasp of your fingers as your eyes widen in shock. startled, your heart more or less stopping in a screeching brake for a split second.

the man visibly flinches at the sound of your voice,“who are you?!-” standing up and turning around to face you,“jay?”

“god y/n, you’re gonna make me deaf,” he complains, face contorting into a tender, teasing expression; a small smile gracing his lips as he walks around the couch and leans against the top of the backrest. you watch as he looks at you, so softly that it makes you wonder, has anyone ever in your entire life looked at you like that? a look radiating such gentleness. maybe not, not until now that is.

“you got home early today, i thought you’d be out for two more hours?” his brows raise in a questioning manner as his gaze shifts to go over the time showing on your living room clock.

“uh, well i was working on a project the last few days but i finished it yesterday so,” you speak unsure if you should even be telling him this instead of asking what he’s doing in here.

“oh okay, that’s good,” taking off his overcoat he walks into the kitchen, folding up his dress shirt’s sleeves on the way,“what do you want for lunch then? do you want to eat takeout? or should i cook you something? you must be hungry,” he takes out a bottle of cold water from the fridge and pours in a glass for you, sliding the cup on the countertop towards you as you approach the space in hesitant and confused steps.

his questions dumbfound you, leaving your brain at a loss, still dazed from his presence before you,“what? why are you asking me that? and what are you doing in my house?” you ask, looking completely clueless when jay turns to look at you expecting it to be some kind of a sarcastic remark. but the lost look in your eyes has him surrendering even if it does turn out to be some joke.

“taking care of you,” jay smiles, straightening his posture in an upright position and moving closer to the counter across which you stand,“technically, babysitting,”

“babysitting? me? but,” it baffles you, is this some prank or are you supposed to know something you don’t? your mind’s mechanical gears slow down, friction arising in between them. you don’t remember anything regarding or relating to the term babysitting. there’s no way he’s serious.. right?

“doll, didn’t your parents tell you they’re gonna be out on a business trip for a week? they asked me to look after you while they’re gone,” what.

yes these past few days when you couldn’t catch a hidden, one-sided glimpse of him in the elevator you did feel weird. and you definitely did subconsciously wish to run across him again, even though you were on a mission to avoid him, but this; this is not what you would’ve liked, this is not what you wanted. this is far from what you can handle, what your messed up self can accept.

“no?” the look on your face has jay almost spilling a laugh, the way your features contort to a whiny crying expression. how cute. he thinks.

“that’s okay, now you know,” trying to imitate you, he scrushes up his nose in a slight pout, reaching out to pat your head twice. and there goes your heart. you never thought you’d like head pats this much, you only remember getting them twice from your father but it felt different. it used to annoy you because he would mess up your hair but the way jay caressed your head it felt you had accomplished something, so gentle and careful yet still close to a ruffle.

taglist ( open. ) @s00buwu @lilyuwon @pockyyasii @nctislifue @lheebra @boyfhee @defnotfertilizedtoesw @brownsugarbaybee @skylaly @sparklovespink @luvyouchuu @ming-h0e @cha0thicpisces @butterflywonie @kgneptun @haechansbbg @m3chigo @wonsbaer @woncine @eneiyri @siyen @wonyoungsvirus @heesquared @enhafim22 @velvtcherie @ineedsomezzz @simjyunnie @seochangbinnnnnnnnnnn @wonkifangirl @sweetwonieee @luvnicho @fakeuwus @sunpov @notevenheretbh1 @kaykay11sworld @saurxcream @shawnyle @monstaxdirtywonk @wannieepisod @woozixo @sophi-ee @rikiwaify-blog @fluerz @iselltulips @belowbun @yunjinsbbg @enhasnuggles @enhaswirlds @enhastolemyheart @jooniesbears-blog

[greensagephase]

So I had wrote out a massive paragraph talking about different songs that I hoped might inspire you for Nonviolent Communication regarding Gabriella and Miguel… However, tumblr had other ideas and decided to reload and delete all of my hard work.

So first things first, highly recommend you check out the song Happy/Sad by Nathan Lane featured in the Adams Family Movie where Gomez is singing to Wednesday about growing up because to me it reminds me of how Miguel would react to Gabriella and we all know Miguel is very Gomez coded.

Secondly, because tumblr’s cruelties, I just said fuck it and rather typing out every single song for you to go back and forth listening to I just made a playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/74RQFVEFTmHizHTshKg5dS?si=mFg1O5fHTLy226vYohjnUw

Here is the link to it, I made it especially for you.

Last thing before I go.

Y/N x Miguel especially for NVC…

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

Trust me.

Rue... I'm sitting here first of all, feeling so touched about the playlist!!! As Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Phineas and Ferb) once said, if I had a nickel for every time someone made a music playlist for one of my writing projects, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird (AWESOME) that it happened twice!!! EEEEEEEE, THANK YOU OMG!!!!!!! You're the second person that's made one for me in almost 10 years (the first being my best friend for an old fanfic back in the wattpad days)!!!

Second... Rue!!!!!! I swear there's only like 13 songs I don't recognize at all, but the rest are in my liked songs already!!! The following songs: - "Isn't She Lovely" - "Your Song" - "Slipping Through My Fingers" (OH MY GOD HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS SONG FOR NC!?!?!?! IT BREAKS MY HEART EVERY TIME, I'M LITERALLY CRYING RN 😭😭) - "Butterfly Fly Away" - "Chiquitita" (no bc how do you know I'm a big fan of ABBA???? I love them and this song!!!) - "Thank You For The Music" - "Tu Sangre en Mi Cuerpo" (girl, you listen to Pepe Aguilar?? I'M SHOOK!!! And now I'm imagining Miguel and Gabby singing this together, brb... gonna go cry again😭) - "Matilda" (no, the way I was listening to this song the other day and thinking about Miguel??? "You can let it go/you can throw a party full of everyone you know/and not invite your family, cause they never showed you love" and "you can start a family who will always show you love/you don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own" tell me this isn't Miguel!! 😭😭I was already thinking of adding this one for a future chapter) - "Beautiful Boy" - "Yellow" - "The Scientist" - "Rivers and Roads"(I heard this one again a few days ago while on shuffle, and I was thinking this would be a good song for NC, hehe!) - "Promise" (this Laufey song always gets me omg) - "Pluto Projector" - "Heart To Heart" (one of my favs by DeMarco) - "Are you Lonesome Tonight?" (one of my fav songs by Presley, period!! Always gets me emotional) - "Ma Belle Evangeline" (The Princess and the Frog is one of my fav princess movies ever (probably the second; it switches with Rapunzel; depends on the day) and I love this song by Ray!!) - "Recuerdame" (YOU CAME STRAIGHT FOR ME WITH THIS ONE AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT ADDING IT BUT THEN DECIDED AGAINST IT BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS GOING TO CRY HARDER IF I DID😭😭😭😭)

these songs literally have me like this rn ⬇️

ALSO NOT "CHASING CARS" PLSSSSSS THAT SONG ALWAYS MAKES ME WANT TO CRY WITHOUT FAILURE - it's nearly 1am and I'm listening to it now and trying not to cry about it (again) AHHHH BUT YOU'RE SO RIGHT - IT'S FITTING!!!

I'm def adding some of these, Rue!!!!! Thank you for making this playlist for me, I'm so happy right now 😭😭 This was so sweet of you!!! Also, I'm sorry Tumblr messed up your post!! I've seen some people complain about tumblr doing that to them, it sucks!!!

But THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I LOVE THIS PLAYLIST!!!! I hope you're having a wonderful week so far, Rue!!! 💕💕🫶🏼🥹

Alondra❤️

[penroseparticle]

Penrose Album of the Day, Day 37: open this wall by berlioz

Surprise! I bet you were expecting a single song. Strap in though, I went a little crazy here. God this album came out literally a week ago and I am head over heels in love with it. Have you ever had love at first sight with something but with your ears? I have.

There’s times when songs or albums or artists or what have you grab me by the lapels and say “I AM SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO YOU. OPEN YOUR HEART WHILE I POUR THE WORLD INSIDE” and I am stuck standing, grinning like a fool with my open socket heart. I think the first time I was aware it was happening was at a concert. I was going to go see Reptar, a band the guy I was dating at the time really liked. The opener was this band I had also never heard of, Young Empires (I had barely heard of Reptar, to be honest. That said they’re not bad, Ice Black Sand is a good listen if you’re interested). The band started to warm up, they looked like nothing special, and well, then they started playing.

I was probably one of the tallest people at the venue of maybe 50-100 people, which was notable but not that weird. Sometimes being 6’1” makes you stand out. Or maybe I’m mythologizing the moment in my head; people tend to do that. Maybe I only remember the bits that matter to me. What matters though, and this is true- what matters is I was taller by about a head than every person in front of me, and I was 5-6 people deep in the crowd. So I had a full, clear view of the stage, and of Matthew Vlahovich (The lead singer). So when the song Sunshine came on, and I slowly realized that I was about to be carried away by this song, and be this band’s fan for life, Matthew watched the creeping realization and delirious, wild smile crawling over my face, the love blooming like a tender beansprout in my heart. And he pointed at me and smiled, still singing the song. I was hooked for the entire set.

I never remember it’s a Reptar concert, by the way. I couldn’t tell you a single song they played. But I won’t forget Young Empires.

I love when the message makes it perfectly to me. I love when I see the vision. I hear the secret. I can’t express what makes a song do this for me either. By all accounts I can’t even tell what gives a song that quality. What’s the rhyme, what’s the reason. There are songs I truly, absolutely love that did not strike me in that fashion. But there are other songs, or whole albums, where this happened. Sunshine by Young Empires. Smoke by Victoria Monet. And now ascension by berlioz grabbed me and never let go.

After I listened to this album in full, I went on a dive and the first thing I saw berlioz’s spotify profile. “If Matisse made house music”. Fuck that’s so pretentious. So. X meets Y. It’s essential, in a way. A great, pithy one liner to describe your music. But like. That’s so arrogant!!! That’s like calling yourself the Da Vinci of music. Like saying not only am I the best at what I do, but I’m directly comparable to not just someone equally as skilled in another medium. But long lasting and prolific. Matisse is a household name for an art style people couldn’t pick out of a lineup some days. And don’t get me wrong, some days I’m people. Matisse. Christ.

I literally can’t disagree though, is the best part. How shocking to be prepared for bad taste, only to find an apt comparison. Even the cover art is very The Cutouts meets Blue Algal meets Madame Matisse in a Kimono meets who gives a rats ass what I think. What do you think. What does this album art make you feel. Do you like it? Is the white background with the vibrant colors reminiscent of something for you? Did you mistake it for a work of art? Was that a mistake? Isn’t it beautiful? How lucky.

I sound like an art teacher. I should be embarrassed but I’m just enthralled. I sound pretentious. Like this means something. And it does, but I don’t talk this way about everything. I don’t talk this way about things that I even feel more strongly about or find more important. Maybe I’ve gotten old, or joy is infectious, or I just like writing words in any order. Maybe everyone else knows the secret that music should enthuse. I don’t know. I just know this album makes me feel like it’s a balmy summer night, which is lucky, because it is. And I want to tell everyone.

Berlioz wants that too- his first EP was titled jazz is for ordinary people. There’s this sentence my roommate used and I’ve never really forgotten it. “People wear jewelry to tell you something”. And well. Artists name tracks to tell you something to. They reference to tell you something. They choose album art. To tell you something. The medium? It’s calling you, and the metadata berlioz has included in his work smacks you over and over again- this music is not special, or for smart people, for the erudite or the well read or the people who can use the big fancy music words. This music was for you. For me. It’s for us to enjoy. Period.

Matisse made art like a good comfy armchair, and berlioz makes art like the music playing in the coffee shop with that armchair in it. So the comparison isn’t a bad one, OK. That’s not to say I think berlioz is Matisse levels of good. I’m saying he has an understanding of narrative. Of evocation. I’m saying he might be a wizard, perhaps. (I guess I AM saying berlioz might be Matisse levels of good, but a good debut is simply that, right?). Matisse is even sampled on one of his works- la danse, from 2022. He gave a radio interview and berlioz just. Sampled his inspiration.

There’s a Rolling Stone Interview where he’s talking about his sample work actually and I do love what he says- he’s talking about the Nancy Wilson sample from open this wall (the namesake track), and what he says about spontaneity and how sampling can be more evocative due to its nature, like. The fact that any sample is not intended for use in the song it’s being used in, so it’s earnest and somehow, despite being recorded many moons ago, fresh and spontaneous. A thought fully formed springing from the head, like Athena. I think jazz, house, and black classical (ode to rashaan was very clear ok) all lend themselves to this dreamy, illustrative, almost building block-esque feel that a lot of Matisse’s art gives me. Dance (I) but given auditory form. Where you can take pieces and fit them together and have something that’s more than the sum of its parts.

Open This Wall is 34 minutes long. 34 minutes! She is baby. She is tiny. I want to hold her, this newborn babe, carried into this world so gently, with such promise. I don’t think anything really taught me about potential as much as this tiny musical blip. This short, infinitesimal series of soundwaves. This cosmic ant of an album, engulfed by the world and not even trying to hide it. 34 minutes isn’t just enough. It’s perfect. Ascension grabs you with some truly smooth saxophone (I hope most ardently that it’s Attlee himself playing it) and just the most quietly groovable house track you’ve ever rolled molly to. And 30 minutes later you’re free. But changed.

This music simultaneously is music I think I could dance with someone to. Music I could make dinner to. Music I could read to. Music I could fall asleep to. This is music, most importantly, I would wholeheartedly recommend to you if you are excited to try something new. Dip your toe into some house music, or some jazz.

If 34 minutes is too much of your time, my 4 personal favorite songs are ascension, open this wall, something will happen, and nymtp.

You could, however, use this as an excellent jumping off point for some other music. My favorite thing about music like this is that. The samples are a way deeper. You can listen to Nancy Wilson. See what drew berlioz to her in the first place. On ode to rashaan, you hear a sample extolling black classical music, and the song is written about Rashaan Roland Kirk. Do you want to dig deeper, to find the connections? I’ll let you look up the sample. A good puzzle for those who care.

I genuinely, wholeheartedly loved this album. And hey. You could be dead right now. Go listen to something you love. I know I am.

[many-gay-magpies]

HELLO CAN I HEAR MORE OF THE WOLF GIRL MURDER CRYPTID???

She sounds so. So. I beg yuo………..

YES YES OH MY GOD ABSOLUTELY

dude you do not even know I have been trembling like an anxious chihuahua just waiting to be able to go full feral about her to someone. this rocks

OKAY SO. the entire story kind of started because i was listening to a song and i was like you know what this would be great for? being the backing track to a cold open where some girl is running through the woods mid-panic attack after having just killed someone. then it kind of grew a plot from there.

(me, foolishly: oh this will probably not take too long or take up too much space. clearly i forgot just how Able i am to ramble when prompted. put the rest under a cut bc it got LONG)

the cryptid wolf girl herself is named rosalind, or roz for short, or possibly rory for short once she figures out some gender stuff later on... the Central Relationship in the story is between her and her little sister anna. they did... NOT have a great life growing up—dad was an abusive alcoholic, mom was a DEPRESSIVE alcoholic and even when they split up, mom kinda left roz to raise/take care of anna completely on her own... things are better now; mom has cleaned herself up and is trying to be better—but like. that messed roz up lmao. go figure.

so for their whole lives growing up, roz and anna were kind of glued together... ROZ was more of a parent to anna than their own mom, and anna went to her for everything. but in the time of the story, anna's started to Grow Up and Grow OUT of needing her big sister for everything, AND ON TOP OF THAT she's just got herself a boyfriend who fucking sucks and reminds roz WAY too much of their dad... (in my mind I feel like when their parents split and dad left, roz was old enough to actually understand how abusive and shitty he was, but to anna it just seemed like he'd abandoned him, so she's probably a bit stupid about relationships because she's searching for the love she never got from her father/searching for a bandaid to the feeling of abandonment she has from him, but she isn't exactly the healthiest about that and latches onto the first guy that shows her attention, thinking it's Love.)

anyways, this whole deal—anna getting distant, anna being stupid about her bf—makes roz feel Some Type Of Way. she's kind of latched onto her position as anna's pseudo-parent as the crux of her self-worth, so now that anna seems to not NEED her anymore she does not take it well. she wants to protect anna from her toxic bf and from HERSELF, but she can't do a thing and just feels useless because everything she TRIES just ends up pushing anna further away from her. then on her birthday, when she's at her friend's house to celebrate (the best friend she's gay af for, zoe), she makes a wish to be able to protect anna like she used to—aaand the literal moon overhears and basically goes "you have a noble desire, i'll give you my blessing" and turns her into a werewolf (sort of - it's not a whole "turn every full moon" deal, just whenever there's a specific trigger)

anyway like a week after roz's bday when she makes the wish, it's homecoming, and her mom (who is also stupid and just thinks roz hates mark (anna's bf) because she's jealous) has asked her to drive anna to this party mark invited her to... which is in the middle of the woods. with a whole bunch of older high school guys. sure, mom, that's bound to be perfectly safe and legal.

roz has been feeling a little off all week and having weird dreams (unbeknownst to her thanks to her new lunar benefactor). after homecoming, she drives anna to her party... but there is NO FUCKIN WAY she trusts those dudes with her, so she sneaks up to spy on them from the bushes to make sure they're not getting up to any unsavory shit and hurting her little sister. (spoiler alert: they absolutely get up to tons of unsavory shit.) so roz is watching these guys, and it's literally all guys, like anna is the ONLY girl, and they're all older—and they're drinking alcohol, getting progressively more wasted, and anna is refusing but mark keeps pressuring her, and eventually he makes some vague allusions to ah... "loosening her up" with the alcohol so he can have his way with her, while touching her in not-so-great ways... and seeing that triggers roz's first transformation. she just full-on catapults in and tears him to SHREDS, literally. then someone stabs her with a beer bottle and she flees, turns back human, and starts freaking the fuck out because she just killed mark.

okay um. i did not intend to just tell you the entire story up to the point that ive written it. but OH WELL I DID! hope u enjoyed that lmao.

the whole premise of the story is that, despite how much it sucks at first, roz being a werewolf actually kind of brings her, her mom, and her sister closer together... the thing is, the moon, when it heard her wish, it didn't just give her what she asked for—it gave her what she NEEDED. and in general i have lots a feelings about werewolves as the representations of our deepest, most repressed emotions and desires, like if you've seen the whole thing about like "the werewolf is the part of you that LOVES YOU. it is the part of you that is mad at how wrongly you've been treated and wants to PROTECT you." yeah. and i have lots of feelings about the MOON and moon deities as gods of honesty, vulnerability, and seeing the truth of our deepest emotions...

so the wolf is kind of all roz's anger issues just smushed into one big wolfy body. a big theme ive started exploring with the story is that being a werewolf isn't exactly CHANGING roz or making her feel things she's never felt before (like, you know. the murder urges), it's just bringing things she ALWAYS FELT to the forefront and making them unignorable. because above all what roz NEEDS is something to force her to face herself to be able to overcome all the self-hatred she has (because BOY SHIT THERE'S A LOT OF IT). which is also where her relationship with zoe (who ive thought, written, and posted about almost more than the relationship between roz and anna... whoops) comes in.

roz and zoe are best friends. they have been since they were five years old, and zoe has been with roz through like ALLLLL the shit of her seventeen long years. roz is incredibly gay and absolutely in love with zoe, but doesn't realize because she's a fucking dumbass and thinks that's a normal way to feel about her best friend (or, like, maybe she kind of knows something's Different and knows what it IS, but she can't ever let herself realize it fully because ✨internalized homophobia✨).

when the whole wolf thing starts out, roz doesn't tell zoe what's happening, because she's afraid zoe will be afraid of or disgusted by this part of her... which she likes to think is the wolf's doing, but she knows it's really ALWAYS been a part of her. roz keeps the secret from zoe for a WHILE because of this, and keeps pushing her away, but zoe (who Knows roz and loves her back just as intensely) will NOT fucking let her. so there's gonna be like this whole stage of incredibly painful pining, where the moon goddess makes roz realize that she's in love with zoe, but she still hasn't even TOLD zoe about the whole werewolf thing, so there ensue events like: roz in wolf form subconsciously seeking out zoe, breaking out of her house in the middle of the night, going to stand below zoe's window, and then waking up in the morning thinking it was a dream until she sees her window is open and her pajamas are shredded to all hell and goes "shit".

eventually, of course, zoe DOES find out (either by accidentally witnessing a transformation one day or because roz finally caves and tells her, i havent decided yet), and spoiler alert, she isn't disgusted or afraid—she's actually, like, wildly attracted to the feral bloodthirsty vengeful side of roz, because that's the embodiment of roz's deepest, more true self, and zoe has wanted nothing more than to know roz completely—and of course it still takes roz a while to realize zoe's wide-eyed, drop-jawed stares at her are not FEAR but I'M SO GAY IM GONNA OASS OUT HOLY SHIT, because she's fucking stupid.

another honorable mention character: himbo soccer team boy tentatively named matt (gonna change either his or mark's name cuz they're too similar) who witnesses roz partially-transform by accident one day and decides he's going to be absolutely ride-or-die for this tormented lesbian werewolf. he's there for her until she finally gets her shit together and tells zoe what's going on, and long after that. they become a cute little bestie trio and matt ABSOLUTELY realizes how gay roz and zoe are for each other before roz does and he's like JESUS CHRIST JUST KISS ALREADY

(also. most worthy of mention in the yet-to-be-written zoe-and-roz scenes i feel feral about: there's gonna be one after zoe finds out where roz has a really bad transformation, and passes out still wolfed-out in zoe's lap... and she's visibly having a nightmare (plus she's still a wolf which means she's still in crisis mode even though she's sleeping), so zoe starts reading aloud to her while she sleeps until she calms down enough to turn back human... and it starts out as just zoe doing what she's ALWAYS done to comfort and soothe roz, but since roz is ASLEEP it devolves into zoe pouring out her true feelings without roz awake to hear them... then roz wakes up in the middle of zoe reciting shakespeare's sonnet 57 to her and it's like. INSANELY gay. and the whole time matt's off to the side like holy shit.)

ANYWAYS YEAH THAT WAS. A LOT HAHA. I hope u like my feral unhinged asshole werewolf girl :)

[galaxy-stardust]

Soooo,

as I said this is my first fanfic. Inspired by Jake from Duskwood. A fictonal charakter I kinda fell in love with. Weird I know 😋

I re-read it a hundret times. Added parts, erased parts... I could do this a hundret times more... 🙈😅

So here it is. I hope you'll like it.

As I said I wanted to write a nice harmless story but with the thought of Jake it became a NSFW story.

It stills feels weird to read it bc Jake was always so shy in our conversations. But hey... in one way he's just a man... 😉

I really hope you'll enjoy it.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Spoiler alert to episode 10. First words are from the last episode.

And know enjoy my version from meeting Jake for the first time

NSFW. SMUT CONTENT

‐‐---‐--‐--------------‐---------

Meeting Jake 🤤

"I cannot go without telling you..."

"Without telling me what?"

"Something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time."

"What do you want to tell me?"

"MC

I love you."

"I love you too Jake"

Jake's last words. It feels like an eternity since he wrote them.

The call from Richy, his confession, well... what the hell?! It was... literally... unexpected. But no matter how hard that hit me, my thoughts and feelings are by Jake. All the time. Where is he? I hope he's doing ok. Damn, I'm really worried.

I'm texting with Jessy. She still can't believe what happened. I try to calm her a bit, tell her that she should try to find some sleep.

Since Riches call, hour by hour passed by. I don't know when the last time was that I slept.

I watched out my window. Clear night, full moon, lots of sparkling Stars. Listening to my fav song. Landing in London - 3 Doors down. Still not a word from Jake.

Suddenly I hear a noise from the door. Just a cat I think and pay no longer attention to it.

Then again! What the hell is that? Someone's knocking at the door?!

I get myself up from the place at the window. It's a bit cold tonight, but I'm just wearing a shirt and a panty, as always at night.

I sneak to the door.

Knock knock again.

I take a look through the door viewer, but I just can make out vague outlines in the dark. Illuminated by the moonlight. Is that person wearing a hoodie? Could that be? My heart stopped beating. I dare not to breath.

I slowly open the door.

A man, taller than me, lowers his head, his face covered by the darkness and his hoodie. A bag pack on one shoulder. I'm still not able to breath. He slowly begins to raise is head. I look in the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. Tired eyes. "Hello MC" he whispers. "Jake?!" I gasp "How is that possible?!..."

He falls on his knees, exhausted.

I kneel down to him. Put his face in my hands, raise his head. Damn, he is so attractive. In my imagination, he looks exactly the same. Those eyes! His hair a bit messy because of his journey. He smiles. It's a tired but relieved smile. His little wrinkles around his mouth let my heart melt. "Jake..." I've been waiting for this moment so long. I still can't believe that he's with me now.

"We have to get inside" I whisper. I help him up. Leading him to my bedroom. He sinks on my bed. Lays down. Looks at me. "Finally MC" he whispers. "Finally, I'm with you." A smile rushes to his perfect face and then he falls asleep.

His voice warms my heart. It's the first time that I hear his voice and I know I could listen to him all day, doesn't matter what he would talk about.

I don't know what to do with my feelings. I am relieved that he's safe now, even for a few hours. But where has he been? What happened? How could he get out of that bunker, unseen? I have so many questions. But in first line, I'm absolutely happy that he's with me,that he feels safe and that he is able to sleep after all what happened.

I take a seat next to him. Looking at him. He's cuddled up in his hoodie, which is the only thing I have seen from him the last weeks 'till I opened the door a few minutes before.

I take a deep breath. God, his smell is so good. And so familiar as well. It seems like I knew him for a lifetime.

I shake my head, noticing that I was literally staring at him for a while.

I get myself up. Walking in the kitchen to get some water.

What has happened? What happened to him after he said he loves me and then disappeared for hours? I can't get these questions out of my head.

I get back to my bedroom. Sit back on the window and lose myself in that perfect night sky again. I can hear Jake breathing. Calm and regularly. My heart makes a jump. There he is. Like he was always there. With me. Safe and without any worries.

I jawn. Remembering that I didn't sleep for quite a long time too.

I get up from the window. Sneak to the bed. Slip into it. Jake moves slowly. Noticing my presence. I'm not sure when the last time was that he slept without being hunted. Always a light sleep, always at risk... I lay down. Snuggle up to him. Look at his back in this cute hoodie. Feeling his warmth. I move as close to him as possible. Is it okay to do that? I mean, we just know each other from texting... but, yes! It feels right. I can feel his heart beating. I wrap my arm around his waist and snuggle into him.

I still can't believe that he is here. With me.

I take a last deep breath before I close my eyes. Happy and exhausted.

Just at that moment I feel his hand grabbing mine which is still around his waist. He plays with my fingers. He slowly turns around. Now we're lying face to face at each other. We look in each other's eyes. I'm drowning in his beautiful eyes. We are both breathing slowly. Jake wipes a strand of hair from my face. Gently touching my cheek, my lips. He shyly rises his head and bends over me for a kiss..

Have I ever felt that when a man was kissing me? No way. I don't know what to think about first. Don't know what to feel. I decide to give in. I've waited for this for so long... I want him to lead me. Like he always did. He said what I have to do during the last weeks. I always followed his instructions. Without question. I trusted him from the first time he contacted me. Unconditionally.

Jake's lips are soft and warm. He bites my lips gently. Makes me open my mouth and our tongues play with each other. I realize a warm feeling in my stomach. Oh, my… I'm already wet... God, we are just kissing. What are you doing to me Jake, I think. His hands move to my shoulder. Along my arm. To my fingers. He's not stopping with cover me with kisses. My mouth. My cheeks. My neck. I moan.

His hand slips under my shirt. His warm hands touch my waist, my belly, up to my boobs. My nipples are hard. Jake plays with them. Again I moan.

"Jake... " I whisper, already a bit breathless. “Hush honey” he whispers back. "It just you and me right now. I've waited for this too long. I wanna feel you."

"I want to feel you too, Jake. All of you." We kiss. He takes off my shirt and looks at me lying nearly naked in front of him. Just wearing a panty. He smiles. It's a cheeky smile. He knows I belong just to him. A thought is crossing my mind for a second. He always seemed a bit shy during our conversations... But maybe just in finding words. His actions are a lot more self-assured. And I like it.

"Is everything okay, MC?" He asks. I look at him. He looks worried and a bit helpless.

"Yes, Jake, everything is okay. More than okay." I kiss him. His gaze goes back to gentle again. He kisses me back.

His hand is still wandering over my body. He came down to my panty. His hand slips under it and start touching me on my weak point. As he feels how wet I am, he stopped kissing me. Looks at me smirking. There is a twinkle in his eyes. I groan "Jake..." He shut my mouth with kisses again. His fingers slide slowly into me. I shiver. I want to feel him. I yearn for him..

Suddenly he stops. Sit up in the bed. Looking at me. "You are perfect, MC..." I roll my eyes. Smiling. "Yeah sure..." I sit myself up, too. Look in his eyes. I slowly start to take off his hoodie. His shirt underneath. I touch his chest gently with my fingers. Quite muscular. But not too much. Just...perfect. I push him down to lay on the bed again. I kiss his chest. His belly. Down to his sweatpants. I pull it down a bit and give him a kiss shortly over the bench of his boxer shorts. He groans. I notice that he is already horny too. I grin. I like the thought that he's in my hands now. I begin to touch his dick, rub it a bit. He groans louder.

"Damn it MC... I want to feel you." Suddenly he moves, gets up and with a skillful move he had me laying down on my back again.

He is over me. His hands are on both sides next to my head. We breathe fast. I pull his face down to me to kiss him.

"I love you, MC..." He whispers. "I love you too...." The same words which are spinning in my head for a while. The words we wrote each other before he disappeared.

But now he is with me. It's just him and me.

He slides into me carefully. We groan. He starts moving his pelvis. Slowly, so we can enjoy every second of that incredible feeling... then faster. I claw my fingers in his back. Full of desire. I begin to move into his moves. Its so good to feel him. I feel like I'm close to come. “Jake” I gasp. His gaze is full of desire too... "Fuck MC" he says with a rouge voice, "it's so good to feel you"... He truths into me a bit faster and harder, 'till we both explode together.

He looks at me. Happy. I touch his face. Pull him down to me for a kiss. He rolls over to lay next to me. Both of us, still breathless, lying next to each other. Playing with our hands. His hands are perfect.

He turns his head towards me. "Do you have coffee at home?" I laugh. "What?! Sure. But shouldn't you sleep a bit more?" "I could ask you the same" he answers, smiling, “Well then”. I hush him a quick kiss and jump out of bed. Still naked, I walk around the bed and feel his gaze on my back. I turn around. Wink at him.

I grab his hoodie and slip into it. "Hmmm... comfy" I say. He smiles.

I start to make us some coffee in the kitchen. Still overwhelmed about what happened. I thought about what it would be like to meet Jake, how it would feel to touch him, to be with him about a million times... but to be with him here and now is better in any case.

I hear Jake coming in the kitchen. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck. I turn around. He's just wearing his boxershorts. And again I look in those beautiful eyes. I kiss him.

The coffee machine is making its noise. Time stands still. It would be the same feeling no matter where we are. As long as we are together.

Jake's hand slips under my hoodie (or his hoodie I'm wearing at this moment to be exact) up to my nipples. Plays with them. I moan. He's kissing my neck. I feel that I'm wet again. Jake's hand is wandering down my body, between my legs. I'm shivering. "Hmm... you're still naked and so fucking wet again" he groans. He pushes his hard bulge against my leg. Rubbing it against me. Groaning. His fingers are slowly moving in and out of me. I feel close to come. "Fuck" I whisper. " What are you doing with me, Jake?"

I wasn't able to give myself in so unconditionally to someone before. But with Jake it's completely different. I just want to feel him. Every second. For the rest of my life.

His fingers moving faster into me. I moan louder. Breathless. He lifts me up to the kitchen unit. Rubbing my clit. He's breathing fast, too. "Damn it MC... I wanted this so badly. I was thinking about you every second the last weeks. And to feel you now is just incredible." 

He pushes his fingers into me, rubbing my clit till my orgasm is washing over me. "OMG Jake...." Totally breathless, I get back on my weak legs. Kneel down on the floor and start to suck Jake's perfect and hard dick. He groans. Grabs my hair and lead my head. He slowly began to move. I take all of him. Looking up to see his desire. "Fuck MC, I'm close to come" he gasps. "Give me all of it" I answer, starting to suck and lick his dick faster. With a deep groan, he fills my mouth with his cum. I swallow all of it. Sucking the last drop out of him.

I was never very addicted to sucking dicks and swallow cum... but, as I said, with Jake it's different. I would do anything for him. Without question.

I get myself up. He smiles. His dick is still hard, and I'm still wet. “MC” he says, "may I please fuck you again?" "I'm begging you to fuck me again, Jake." “Turn around” he says. I follow his instructions, laying half on the kitchen's Deskto, waiting for him to slide into me. His dick finds my entrance and he spread my walls. "Fuck me Jake" I beg, " Take what you need, I require it so bad too" "As you wish" he answers breathless. He pushes into me, deep and rough. God, he feels so good. He moves faster and with a deep groan we explode together. Again.

I turn around. Look at him. We kiss. A long, intense kiss. "I love you" "And I love you"

I take my eyes off him. Grab the mugs and fill in the coffee . "Milk? Sugar?" “Black please” he says. "Sure, I can imagine as a hacker you don't have much time for stuff like milk and sugar." We laugh.

With our mugs, we're heading back to the bedroom. Take a seat at the window. Sipping our coffee while we're watching the amazing night sky. Is this a dream, I asked myself. Cuddling without saying a word, just happy to feel the presence of each other, we sit there 'till dawn breaks in.

"MC" Jake breaks the silence. "I think you know that I can't stay for long. My pursuers are still on my heels" I look at him. Seeing sadness in his tired eyes. "I know Jake. I will come with you. I've made that decision a while ago. I don't want to sit here and have to wait for an answer from you. I don't want this ever again. Not knowing how you are..."

"Listen to me MC, its far too dangerous for you"

"No, now you're listening to me hackerboy. From the beginning of our journey I knew that it will be dangerous and it doesn't matter to me because I trust you. Unconditionally. We are just together. Finally, after all what happened. You don't believe that I will let you go again, do you? I don't want this ever again. No Jake. I did that long enough. I can't let you go. I will come with you. Point"

He looks at me worried, but like he expected my words.

"It will be not easy. We will be on the run. Always. We will have to deal with a lot of problems, we have to hide..."

"I'm kinda addicted to that since you came into my life, Jake. I can deal with that. As long as you are with me, as long as we are together, it'll be fine."

"Well. Its sealed then. I'm happy you're coming with me. Because it would be extremely hard for me to leave you. I need you, MC.

So, take your time to manage the things you have to before we leave."

He gives me a kiss. Goes back to bed. Take his laptop and starts doing his work.

I look at him, smiling. Happy and determined to go with him. No matter where. No matter what.

The first rays of sunlight shimmer through the trees. Birds are jumping on the branches. The sun warms my face. I hear Jake hacking on his keyboard. It's perfect. I realize that I never wanted anything more than this.

I take a breath. Lot of things to manage today.

Doesn't matter. As long as I am with my hacker.

And I am now.

Finally.

[red-dyed-sarumane]

what if i went off about some of my favorite songs ever

kyuuyaku hankagai - hiiragi magnetite: everyone knows i love this. i just love everything about it. we really get both sides of the picture story wise with it- both the fact the world is literally, physically getting destroyed, and all of the mental torment the characters are dealing with. it still has that magu series weird wording but it gets everything across that it needs to. the instrumental is just as heavy as the scenario with added dramatics in parts that really make it for me. all the long notes to simulate screaming. the seamless addition of both the nami no ne no & rute furute woa motifs (& a possible 3rd? theres still parts in here i cant figure out yet) makes me so emotional. if u have no idea about the series its still a solid song. 10000/10 i cannot fully express my love for this song in words i just need it on repeat full volume for weeks on end.

ai wo - null: impossible for me to explain why i love this so much without oversharing. i keep telling myself not to rank this song so high but ive never felt so seen before. null's lyrics are both poetic & still hit every raw emotion where it hurts. the whole being left alone ur whole life & wishing it wasnt that way, that everything wasnt so empty, that someone could love u the way u need & never got. i want everyone to hear this song and i also want to gatekeep it. it became so important to me in such a short time & itll be hard to ever rival it

arikitari heroes - 150suzu: im not immune to nostalgia. shuuenpro is executed entirely different to aru sekai series & i have to judge from entirely different criteria & that said i really always loved how this one sort of summarized the series in a way that highlighted all the strife in it & made it subjective rather than an objective summary. the chorus is so high its like theyre crying out which fits entirely. i still have the video embedded in my mind & its been a hot minute since ive watched it. my teenage self thought it was so deep & even with a different perspective now i cant entirely discount those feelings. anyway i still really love it i could still listen to it for weeks on end if i wasnt busy keeping up with other things. i do not say it lightly when i say this is the song i have listened to the most in my entire life i used to spend Months straight listening to it. beloved.

tachiiri kinshi - mafumafu: i was sooooooo normal about this in high school (lying). its still high on my list of breakdown songs. like damn its been 8 years and it still holds up the same. between this & ai wo that just gives away 90% of my problems. imagine solving isolation by letting people in cant be me. anyway i was obsessed with drawing the girl from the video for a while idk how many doodles i still have left but she was Everywhere on my school work. normal person behavior.

jishou mushoku - nekobolo: song that has pulled the most weight in keeping me alive. where would i be without it. sometimes the mood is so bad this is still the only thing i can listen to some days.

rokuchounen to ichiya monogatari - kemu: the real reason i fell down the voca rabbit hole. still adore the song & find it hugely nostalgic, but there was a reason i connected with it when i was younger & being able to recognize how fucked up that was makes it also a painful reminder id rather bury. song fucks tho love how every rhythm game its in will destroy u trying to play it.

konmei no aji - savasti: regardless of the real meaning of the song this will always be a dissociation song to me not in the sense it makes me dissociate but rather in the spaceyness & disconnect it reminds me of the feeling but in a safer way to deal with it. personally i prefer rire's cover

taishou x - yurry canon: u will appreciate this song now right now its so under appreciated for a yurry canon song. god the fucking "i'm still living the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. as it is i will never be you. theres no reason in living, but just the same theres no point in dying is there?" [punching a wall] i like it a normal amount

kaiko no kanmuri - dopam!ne: god this song fucks so hard and yet its still edgy. i dont even really know how to explain what i feel with this one beyond i love it. its a kind of waiting for the right time to strike for revenge kinda song? idk its my absolute fave dopam!ne song i love a lot of his songs but this one just really does it for me

haru no sekibaku - inaba kumori: kutabireta atashi ga dame dattan da ne. yeah. the overall mood of this song hits just right all too often. sorry lag train this is the defining inabakumori song to me.

hyperlexia - yamaji: the space in this one also gives me a sense of vague dissociation. i just really love the whole reading between the lines not going to fall for lies anymore mood its got going on. a misguided sense of personal revolution that probably wont end in anything meaningful but i particularly like the song.

[hellsvestibule]

People talk about how meme brain can poison people’s ability to interact with artists who post online but it’s also kind of endemic even to how people approach academic texts or classic literature at this point and it’s frustrating bc when the persons primary vantage point is already ironic detachment and dismissal, You look like the “pretentious” asshole for asking them to be more nuanced and considerate. Especially when we are talking something with cultural or subcultural significance to a group of people most of the people joking about it don’t belong to. And maybe on an individual level memes are harmless and genuinely funny, but when in greater numbers this constant dismissal starts to feel dreadful, to the point where you feel reflexive hostility towards the meme bc oh my God can we fucking talk about something else? Ever?

it’s not fun to be obsessed with something people meme on or even obsess over for a singular facet. Just bc it’s something vaguely understood in cultural consciousness people will joke about it as if they have equal authority on what its about as you, someone who has dedicated days or weeks of your time studying this in its entirety and like I can’t entirely blame you for wanting to be included and not necessarily understanding the full span of this thing or my knowledge of it but a lot of people are actively resistant to learning more, they are literally just here for the sense of intellectualism or trendiness being able to dismissively meme about an intellectual or cool thing brings them, which ultimately serves the purpose of trivializing something you really like or at least something you wanted to dedicate your time towards understanding in a deeper capacity, and which had cultural significance for its place and time for a reason. And it’s like. I don’t need you to be Like Me, I don’t think having a more involved perspective of everything is always necessary or productive for everyone, but gdi does it suck when people talk past you about something they’ve engaged with far less than you and even get irritated by you being genuinly knowledgeable and enthusiastic about it, letting you know they don’t care and in fact are actively hostile towards caring. They want to wave the flag that says “I read the most popular book in high school, I listened to the most popular song, I am vaguely aware this important thing exists ” and presume suddenly this gives them equal authority as someone who read all the books or has listened to the musicians entire discography.

And it’s equally frustrating knowing what it’s like to be on the other end and trying not to be that pretentious nerd who is always like, fuckin, loyalty testing randos and shitting on them for only reading one adaptation of the thing or only liking a musicians most popular songs. Bc sometimes you engage w the totality of something a genuinely pretentious nerd insists you have to engage with before you’re allowed to talk. only to be like yeah it’s really not worth it, I genuinely just like the most popular installment and wish you hadn’t wasted my time with all that lol.

A lot of it just amounts to getting annoyed at childish behavior often from young people who don’t know any better, and are insecure, and project this insecurity by alluding to having greater knowledge of something and then cutting it down.and it’s not even a clear cut line between genuine appreciation from a fan who just makes the joke from time to time, and someone whose entire perspective of this thing is A Joke

[jebewonmorelike]

YOUTH IN THE SHADE RANKING ??

i’ve listened to everything twice (i tried to open my eyes at 6am to listen but nope. so i listened on my way to work at 8 😌)

i wanna start off by saying this gave me nct127 2baddies (the b-sides obvi not the title) and nct dream vibes in the BEST WAY. some of it also reminded me of the softer side of skz and also felt seventeen-influenced. basically… i love it and i think the sound was really well-curated especially in such a short period of time!!

⭒ - half star; ✮- full star

In Bloom: ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮

fantastic choice for the single. somehow i think w1 managed to get this really right. bright, fun, catchy, floral, youthful… while also maintaining a pretty mature sound. i’m very impressed and i think it’s the perfect jumping-off point for zb1 that will manage to attract casual listeners too— which is exactly what any freshly debuted group needs.

Our Season: ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ⭒

this is a really great song too. i think they could actually promote this as a second single after in bloom and it would do quite well. this has one of those choruses where there’s an upwards note progression that feels emotional and like hits in the heart for some reason? it’s SO good. will probably be a 5/5 for me in a couple days. it’s actually sort of a shame it’s forced to a b-side!!

And I: ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮

this one REALLY feels like nct127 2baddies album b-sides. and i say that SUPER affectionately— 2baddies album is literally one of my faves ever. so much talent and the r&b influences… wonder if hanbinnie had a hand in picking this one? 😏

Always: ✮ ✮ ✮ ⭒

hahahaha i really like this song— hao sounds great on it, i’m just (affectionately) bullying him for “ooOOoooOooooOoo yah”-ing for 15 seconds straight. i’m positive no one asked him to do that; he got in the booth and was like “i’m gonna try something out” and everyone was like “oh god”. LOVE that kid fr he makes me cringe in the best way.

Back to Zerobase: ✮ ✮ ✮

honestly a solid intro song. unfortunately not one you’d just randomly throw on bc you want to hear it, but it definitely serves its function and it’s not just annoying instrumental laced together (i’m looking at you tnx love or die— great album tho)

New Kidz On The Block: ✮ ✮ ⭒

i’m just gonna say it: this song is not that good. and it sticks out when comparing it to the rest of the album. it’s not really thematically fitting in with everything else musically and i think new kidz on the block thing is a little too gimmicky and immature for zb1– especially when they came out swinging with in bloom. HOWEVER every debut album and… i actually think every album is allowed to have one song that’s just the fall-guy. and nkotb is that. and i will definitely be singing it nonstop by next week!! that’s just how it goes isn’t it!?

overall: vocals are fantastic. choreo of in bloom is super catchy and recognisable so that’s super smart of them. and i think they knocked it out of the park!

is it the *best* bg debut this year?? 👀 i won’t discuss that for now (but i think objectively— and i usually only think objectively bc i’m a T— boynextdoor and zb1 will be battling it out pretty viciously for roty). i’m SO proud of them and love them so, so much. they’re just starting their journey and they’ve already broken a bunch of records!! catch me crying for the next 2.5 years 😍💕

[fragileswift1313]

Speak Now (Taylor's Version)!

Hey!

So some of you will know this, others may not, but Taylor Swift recently re-recorded her 2010 album titled Speak Now, and it was released roughly 40 hours ago at the time of posting. When ‘Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)’ was announced back in the first week of May this year, I wrote a thing about how I feel about the original album. If you haven’t read that, you may want to to get caught up on how and why I feel things so deeply for this record in particular.

Since way back in February 2021, when Taylor first announced that she was re-recording a bunch of her old albums, starting with Fearless, I have been waiting for this moment. I won’t get into the whole sordid story about why she’s doing it, or how much I wish Scoote* B*aun would get hit by a car, but it’s a whole thing. What I will say is that in the long run, I am honestly happy that this happened because the re-recordings are flawless. Seriously, I’m just wonderstruck (lmao 😉). I haven’t listened to this record as much as I wanted to before writing this - I’ve listened a few times, but mostly I’ve just been thinking about it. I was b i g excited for this to come out, but I can’t lie, there was some anxiety too - this record is so important to me so it had to be flawless; and I think Taylor nailed it. Anyway, I have waited for this for a long time, and now that it’s finally here I have Some Thoughts.

I went back and forth in my head about how to do this, and I decided the best way would be to nail down exactly which songs I was most nervous or excited about, and then do a broader breakdown of the rest of the album, so here we go: starting with…

Mine

‘She is the best thing that’s ever been mine.’

Taylor always opens her records with one of the strongest tracks on said record, and this one is no different. I adore the original, and the re-recording is incredibly faithful to it. The only differences I noticed in this track versus the original were a few unsubtle moments where the growth and refinement of Taylor’s vocal range in the past thirteen years really shine through. It’s the same song, but new again.

Sparks Fly

‘The way you move is like a full-on rain storm, and I’m a house of cards,’

This song has always been one of my all-time favourites from any artist ever, and this new version is just as intense and moving as the original was back when I first heard it somewhere around 2012. This re-recording gives me chills. I am literally trying not to cry right now as I sit here writing this and relistening to it. Every line in this song is flawless. And oh my god, the strings. During the track, I find it difficult with my audio processing problems to tell if it’s a guitar, a violin, another string instrument, or all of the above, but whatever it is it makes this song so much more powerful.

Speak Now

“She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen,”

‘Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)’ is the first track here where Taylor’s strengthened and refined voice is apparent in almost every lyric. While it’s maybe not one of the biggest or strongest stand-out tracks on the record, but it has a very special place in my heart from when the original record made its indelible mark on me. Not a lot is different here, besides the sound of Taylor’s voice, and I think that’s okay.

Mean

“You, with your switching sides and your wildfire lies and your humiliation.”

Mean is so much fun, it always has been. The up-tempo of it contrasted against the subject matter has always worked really well for me. The opening is so peppy while she talks about how hard critics had been treating her, and how badly she used to take it when it happened. But I love how the song goes from ‘upset’ to ‘f**k you’ by the end. This re-recording feels really good, too, because the line “some day I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,” feels like both a prophecy from 2010, and a vindication in 2023 that she was right all along.

Better Than Revenge

“He was a moth to the flame, she was holding the matches.”

This is the one I was most anxious about going into this new version. For one, I really love the original song, despite its one glaringly large problem, but I was also nervous about whether or not she would change the lyric, and if so, to what? The first time I heard the new lyric, I was reading the prologue in the booklet that came with the CD hard copy of the album, and even though I wasn’t super paying attention I noticed it. I skipped back a few seconds to hear it again, and looked up the lyrics in the booklet so I could sing along and get it into my brain. I really like the new lyric a lot, and I expect I am going to think about it a lot in the future, too.

Haunted

“Something keeps me holding onto nothing.”

Haunted has always been a big favourite of mine to just scream-sing along to when I need to release some sadness energy, even the acoustic version is great. This version is… something else. It’s always been something of a rock song, but I feel like Taylor really leaned into that here, and the result is flawless. I sent Castles Crumbling to my sister (not a swiftie) during my first listen to the record, and she liked it so much that she listened to the rest of the album - during her listen, she sent me back this text:

This new version is incredible, and I’m so happy to have it in my life. And I’m stoked that ‘Haunted (Taylor’s Version)’ may have made a Swiftie out of my sister. 😁

Ours

“The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours,”

I love the way Taylor kept the little southern drawl from the original track here. This is the one track on this record that really makes my heart flutter. There’s very little in this track that feels different from the original, but I think that was a really inspired choice because it was honestly practically flawless the first time around. This song also has a really special place in my heart because the original video was the source of one of my favourite reaction gifs to use on social media or in texts (see below!).

Wrapping up… 🎁

The rest of the re-recorded tracks here are gorgeous, and you really can hear the different inflections and tones in Taylor’s voice as she sings these classics from her early career in the studio again. Altogether, I love this release of Speak Now and I really feel like if someone were to ask me which version they should listen to, my answer would be overwhelmingly this one; it truly is the definitive version of the record. It was honestly tough to nail this list down to just seven favourites out of the 22 tracks, even with excluding the From The Vault tracks which I will get to in a second. I’m so happy to have this space to gush about this record, and I really hope you enjoyed reading about my feelings!

From The Vault 🔓

As I said above, I excluded the From The Vault tracks from my list because I simply don’t have a ton to say about them yet. I have only listened to them a handful of times, so expect a follow-up post in a few weeks, once I’ve had more time to sit with them and form Some Opinions. What I will say right now, though, is that the immediate stand-outs for me were Electric Touch, I Can See You, and Castles Crumbling. I’m excited to listen to them a bunch more times. I also wanted to mention the Surprise Announcement video at the end of the album on Apple Music, too. Many hardcore swifties will probably have seen a version of it before elsewhere, but I had not - I have been avoiding any streams from The Eras Tour in hopes that I’ll someday get to see a complete version on Netflix or something - and y’all, this video almost broke me. I so wish I could have been there in person to feel the energy of the crowd!

The End 🔚

Well that’s it from me for this week, friends. Thanks so much for hanging out and indulging me while I am once again back on my Taylor Swift bullshit. If you want to see more writing from me, as I mentioned above you can go back and read about why Speak Now is so special to me, check out other things I've written on Substack, and as always you can check out my Letterboxd movie reviews. I recently reviewed Single White Female (1992) and Poseidon (2006)! Also! Please remember that if you have comments, questions, suggestions, or just want to say hi, please hit me up in the comments or at any of the socials in the links below.

Stay safe out there y’all and have a great week. You’re the best thing that’s ever been mine! Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

Rebecca

| Twitter | Mastodon | Bluesky | Cohost | Substack | itch.io | Letterboxd | Instagram | Carrd | Email |

[chasingfictions]

also uno reverse card-ing florence back at u <3

THANK YOU KING.

on that note:

fav song: KING. i cant describe what this did to me when i heard it for the first time. most insane song in the world . listen to the live at msg version and try not to have full body shivers it;s impossible

least fav song: ok i have certain songs that i have listened to less over the years but lately ive been coming back to them and being like wait does this actually fuck??? which is to say my answer is probably strangeness and charm but now im kind of into it. also toxic opinion i did not enjoy cosmic love for a while like i think it just feels like a song i get fatigued of more? but lately i listened to it again for the first time in a while and i was like OH!! this FUCKS!! holy shit!!! which is to say fatm has the same principle as btvs which is no bad songs / no bad episodes. all good. even when it's bad it's good.

fav album: genuinely dance fever is the best album ever made. like. i think it combines everything that works abt the sound of the lungs/ceremonials era and everything that works abt the sound of the hb3/high as hope era into one perfectly balanced album. NO SKIPS ALBUM. like florence has no bad songs but she does have songs where im like ok im not feeling this right now. im always in the mood for every song on dance fever. she said i am making an album about vampires and mental illness and being queer and god and dancing. and i said HEY!!! HEY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! I LVOE YOU!!! i have this album on vinyl also it's the only album i own on vinyl shout out to @ho-tato for buying it for me on vinyl

least fav album: ok dont hate me but i think high as hope is one of her weaker albums. like i still LOVE high as hope i love that whole era when it came out i listened to it on repeat for like 3 weeks. BUT idk for me i think the songs are a little less distinctive ? still obviously bops. 'no choir' is insane. literally she is out here making songs that speak to the rest of her discography. 'no choir' is cousins with 'restraint'. and like if u asked me abt any individual song on high as hope i'd be like yeah it FUCKS. but as a whole album i think it's a little too muted? or maybe i just wish it was longer? idk. i love you high as hope. youre my cherished baby high as hope im sorry i said all this.

song that got me into them: ok this is so hard to say bc i have loved fatm since like. the 7th grade. but the first song i remember getting REALLY into is 'landscape-demo'. EVERYONE GO LISTEN TO LANDSCAPE DEMO. SHE'S JUST LIKE THE WEATHER! CANT HOLD HER TOGETHER! BORN FROM DARK WATER! DAUGHTER OF THE RAIN AND SNOWWWW. oh my god. shrimp emotions.the right way to listen to that song is when ur 13 and on the bus to middle school and it's a dark morning shifting into daylight and also you just started practicing witchcraft .

seen live; YES!!!!! ive seen her 3 times!!!!! for the first time at a music festival during the hb3 era, and then at a free concert for a talk show also during the hb3 era and then i saw her in CONCERT during the high as hope era every single time changed me as a person. i couldnt go to her concert in my city during the dance fever tour bc it was the same weekend as my brother's wedding. im fine about it. im FINE. i just wish her and my brother had planned better. would some cross communication have been so hard. and also i know her intimately from my whole chest and my spirit so in that sense i see her live every day.

rating: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10  !!! one million!!! ten billion!!!!!!!!! there is no numerical value for her she transcends that. i want to be ejected into outer space with her.

[timeofjuly]

doing essays but can’t help think of quinn and MC GAHHH their so cigarettes out the window by TV girl coded 🤕💔💔💔💔 been listening to a lot of TV girl and thinking of them 😵‍💫

Adding that to my mc/Quinn playlist IMMEDIATELY oh my god, literally the perfect song. Here’s a suitably depressing fic that I wrote listening to it on loop, thank you so much! TW for alluded to drug use at the end.

there will be no answer

Quinn’s cleaning out your side of the closet when she unearths your leather jacket. It’s crammed right at the back, fallen from its hanger, sandwiched between the wood and your winter coats.

She pulls it free and then holds it up into the bright yellow artificial light streaming from the bedroom ceiling. It’s an old, beaten-up thing; it had already lived a full life when you’d dug it up from the bottom of the bargain bin at Goodwill and it’s even more well-loved now. It’s decorated with a handful of pins, all of which Quinn recognises and some of which she had purchased for you herself. They clink against each other as she turns the jacket from left to right, little bits of metal and plastic commemorating places you’ve been to, bands you like, things you find funny.

She flips the jacket to reveal the tag and sees where you’d written your name in thick, black sharpie. You had liked the idea of passing it on, maybe back to another thrift shop, with your name on it. You’d thought it would be a fun bit of history for whoever picked it up next.

Quinn traces the letters on the tag with her fingertip and says your name aloud for the first time in weeks. The sound sits in the otherwise silent bedroom like an unwelcome guest, sticking in the emptiness and making your absence all the more apparent.

Quinn can’t remember seeing the jacket since last winter, so you mustn’t’ve realised it was at the back of the closet. That makes sense. Out of all of your items of clothing, this is the one that she thinks you might want back. If she knew where you were, she’d mail it to you, but she doesn’t. She has no idea where you are.

She sits down on the beige carpet and splays the jacket over her legs, feeling like a big child with a too-small blanket. Beside her sit two trash bags, one for clothes to be thrown away, and the other for what’s in good enough condition to be donated. There is no bag for things that she’s allowing herself to keep.

Her own suitcase sits open atop the bed, full of her own neatly folded things. The rest of the contents of the bedroom sits in boxes strewn around her, all labelled up and ready to be taken to her new apartment.

Going through your things is the only thing left to do.

Warmth prickles at her eyes and she clenches her fists into the jacket. The leather is soft and supple, but it’s cold. She gives into her base nature and raises it, burying her face into it.

The jacket smells like you. It smells like your shampoo and your perfume and the brand of hairspray you like and cigarette smoke and when she goes digging through the pockets, she finds an old, battered carton of cigarettes, a tube of lipstick, as well as a faded receipt for a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bouquet of flowers.

And now she’s crying. Great. Shame there’s no tissues stashed away in one of your pockets because she’s packed her own away in a box in the bathroom, so she needs to get up and use a wad of toilet paper to dry her tears. It’s the cheap kind and it disintegrates into little papery balls against her face, so she has to stick her head underneath the tap to wash them away.

Afterwards, she stares into her red, puffy eyes in the bathroom mirror, and begs herself to get a fucking grip.

This is why she’s avoided doing this for so long – for four months, actually. She’s too weak. The only reason she’s doing it now is because the lease is up and despite her stupid, sentimental heart, even she’s not pathetic enough to cart your stuff all the way into a new city.

That, and she promised her friends that she’d do it. They’d offered to help her, which is lovely of them, but the idea of someone else in your shared bedroom, going through your things, makes her stomach turn. This room, this apartment, is only for the two of you, nobody else. Even now, four months after you had dumped her over the phone from your bed in some wilderness rehab, Quinn still feels like she’s living with a ghost. Your presence is saturated in every square inch of this place and even if she wanted to (and she doesn’t), she’d never be able to get you out.

Your parents think that a change of scenery will do her good. They told her this with tired eyes and furrowed brows, crushed by the knowledge that their daughter and their daughter’s would-be murderer are the same person. They had invited her over for dinner shortly after the breakup, and your mother had held Quinn tightly and had buried her face into her hair to hide her tears. Your father had told Quinn that they would always have a place for her at their table. That their door would always be open for her, whether you’re there or not.

Quinn’s own parents have told her nothing at all because she hasn’t spoken to them in almost a year. That, at least, is a blessing. It’s been years since she’s had to deal with them without you. She’s not sure that she remembers how.

She returns back to the bedroom and picks the jacket up off of the carpet. The pins rattle. She takes a deep, bracing breath and holds it, looking between the two trash bags. They’re both almost full; she really has done her best, getting rid of it all.

Quinn exhales in a rush that makes her slightly dizzy. She folds the jacket into a neat square and places it into her suitcase, burying it right at the bottom. This is the only thing left to her. She can allow herself it, at least.

.......

In a city somewhere else, your bare arms prickle with goosebumps. The moon is huge and bright overhead, a silvery stain against the sleet of the sky. There are no stars to be seen here, light pollution having bleached them away decades ago, but even if there were, you wouldn’t bother looking up at them. The night is young and your skin buzzes with the happiness you had injected into it only a moment ago.

Another chill moves through you. For a moment, you wish you had a jacket to pull over your shoulders, or someone’s arm to curl up underneath, but then a wave of syrupy rhapsody envelopes your body, like the coziest, most comforting hug, or like submerging yourself into a blissfully hot bath. The cold washes away like it had never been there at all.  

[seokjinsonlyone]

Idk if you’ve been asked this before but what is your favorite song from each members solo projects so far? Lol the astronaut is the exception 😂

omg!!! we must have some sort of connection bc i was just thinking about this earlier and i'm gonna assume this is in our hiatus era bc the rapline just has so much history it'd be impossible to pick just one LOL so imma go in chronological order of when it was released!!

for hobi it's safety zone like that song just really hold a special place in my heart like the sound of it is soooooo i can't even describe arson is a close second tho

for joonie it's closer hands down when i first heard that track i literally started vibrating on the frequency of bees

for mini it's it's actually hard to pick but his lil ep hit so freaking hard and was so unexpected for me and listen i am not really a lyric girly like i will listen to a song in english mind you could know all the words and sing it but not really pay attention to what it's saying at all like there's this one song i love and i swore by that song listened to it on repeat for hours wanted it played at my wedding that's never gonna happen and everything and like a year later i realized it was a breakup song all this to say that the english version of like crazy makes me soooo insane specifically the line "emotions on ice" like that one line right there changed the trajectory of my life BUT THEN there's alone and like i said NOT really a lyric girly so the way that this song sounds and just the composition is SOOO clever like in the chorus part where he's like "day and night fall" and when he says fall there's that voice effect that literally drops and the overlapping "mayday, get me out of here" that's literally a cry for help like that is so freaking genius and caught me from the beginning and it's just so it's a song i really like to listen to even tho it's really sad LOL BUT THEN there's set me free pt 2 which i realize now i could've just led with bc it really does have both those elements like it has that sound that makes me vibrate and the lyrics that alter my brain chemistry (especially when he's like raise your hands for the past me i'm just head in hands about that line AMONGST MANY OTHER PARTS) AND THE PERFORMANCE MY GOD i don't even know where to start talking about that one so i won't so let's just say set me free pt 2 is king for me

for yoongi i literally decided on my way into the house after getting off from work that dday was my favorite from the album like i was going back and forth between dday and sdl and decided that what takes sdl to the top for me is adora's adlibs like she really snapped but if i was picking my fav from yoongi bc of yoongi it's dday like y'all don't understand the way i be blasting that song everyday on my way to work it be like 5am and i'm in the car volume turned all the way up talm bout time for some paycheck and i'm riding downtown 😭 it's become my ultimate hype song me thinks

and i know my seokjinnie only has the astronaut but it's SO good like "when i'm with you there is no one else and i get heaven to myself" is such a wonderful and lovely line and when he starts belting about how much he loves me god my heart is so full i am at peak military wife whenever it comes on

and the babies haven't released anything yet but i will use this opportunity to say that i am forever changed by taehyung's jazz covers like that festa video that dropped had me listening to jazz for the rest of the week and like you can tell how much he has improved as a singer his voice is just like honey and i gulped it down with a cup of tea fr like i've probably watched it five times by now i love it so much and for jk can i just say that i miss when he was in his silk sonic phase like i was literally screen recording that one live when he covered leave the door open for the first time honestly i have most of that concert screen recorded LOL like baepsae hip thrusts and all but i think of all the songs jk has covered and my god there has been plenty his cover of leave the door open is my favorite and i'd like to hear more of him with that sound there's also this one other song he covered once it was during one of his morning lives it was a korean song and he was imitating the singer but i have no idea of the artist or the song but just know that there's a section in my brain that holds that one specific cover dearly

i have no idea how this got to be so long i didn't expect to have this much to say on this topic BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING

[esc-is-holding-me-hostage]

UMK song reviews

Because Finnish broadcaster knows how to make you actually listen to all of the songs instead of checking someone's recap/top on Youtube.

Honestly, I'm in love with the current UMK format. The whole quality-over-quantity mindset really pays off. The contestants' reveal makes you hyped even if you don't know a single person in the line-up, the "lyric videos" are just full MVs, and again, releasing one song per day incentivizes you to check out each song individually.

So, general impression. I WAS a bit disappointed but after giving it some thought I came to the conclusion that it has less to do with the quality of the songs and more with my personal preferences. And not even because they've ditched rock songs!

Anyway...

Keira - "No Business On The Dancefloor" - The lyrics are DISTRACTINGLY stupid, but my god, is it fucking catchy. I've been humming it for the past week and I don't even like dance pop half of the time!

Benjamin - "Hoida mut" - Okay, this one seems like everyone's favorite and it IS pretty good, but it's just not my vibe, sorry. I'm just so, soooo tired of the whole "slick 80s synth pop" trend. IT'S BEEN 40 YEARS SINCE THE 80'S, MOVE TO THE 90'S NOSTALGIA, COME ON #banthesynths

Robin Packalen - "Girls Like You" - Oh hey, it's the type of song we bully Sweden for. A soulless, bland, extremely well-produced pop complete with "generic attractive white dude #573". I don't think there's a single original lyric in this song. Like, you can literally recreate it by making a mash-up of other songs.

That said, i find it funny how all of us unanimously started clowning on Robin. Cause, let's be real, Girls like You would've been a highlight at almost any other NF. Plop it into MESC and people would go crazy for it.

Lxandra - "Something To Lose" - I literally keep forgetting this song exists, heh. This one feels like a 3-minute intro where you keep waiting for the "real" song to start aaand it's over. To be fair, the lyrics are very good, but musically it's way too stripped down. Put it into "my attention span is too short it" category

Käärijä - "Cha Cha Cha" - Yep, that's the one. That's my fave. I've actually checked out other songs by all of the contestants as soon as the UMK lineup was leaked and Käärijä seemed like the most promising one. And boooy, he did not disappoint. Cha Cha Cha is 5 different genres in a trenchcoat and it's fucking glorious. Anyway, I have no hopes of him winning because I've been burnt way too many times.

Kuumaa - "Ylivoimainen" - On the other hand, I had zero expectations for these guys and ended up pleasantly surprised. Ylivoimainen is a nice little song that will be outshined by bigger names and catchier songs come the day of the show.

Portion Boys - "Samaa taivasta katsotaan" - I was waiting for a weird unholy fusion between Fyr og Flamme and Little Big and got... this thing. Yeah, it's campy and kinda fun but it's also an extremely "by-the-numbers" Eurovision joke song. The lyrics just feel lazy and it ends up sounding like something from that Will Farrel Eurovision movie. Also, why are there five of them if only two guys are singing?

So yeah, Käärijä > Kuumaa > Keira > Benjamin > Lxandra > Robin > Portion Boys My winner prediction: Benjamin. He's got the best ratio of fame and song quality.

[soclonely]

Now I’m curious. What are your current hyperfixations if you don’t mind sharing? If not totally ok!!

OHHHH boy so right now, I have them compartmentalized into various categories and its so fun to talk about.

> my gratitude journal and penny savings. i am doing this challenge to sort of wake up my brain and write down some positive stuff and its so fun and actually addicting. ALSO doing a penny challenge that started up on January first where you put a penny in your savings/piggy bank jar each day. So for example: Jan 1st (1 penny) January 2nd (add 2 pennies), January 3rd (add 3 pennies), etc, etc and at the end of the year you will have saved up $667.95. Its not much, but its fun and I can get myself a lil something nice on new years next year. I like me some goals and I am hoping the stamina isn't only because its a new year

> January no spend challenge. I am single, make a decent amount of money a month, and don't NEED to do this. But I have cut all spending out for the month minus groceries and any emergency expenses. I am biking to work when I need to actually go in, and I have been doing fun things at home and have a few "nights in" planned with friends in the next two weeks and for the first time in awhile I am actually excited for social interaction because lets be honest, going out is exhausting.

> The color Iris. Its so beautiful and pleasing to my eyes right now

>MEAL PREP CONTAINERS AND MEAL PREPPING. I have a bunch of new reusable ziploc bags, these nifty hook things that hold the bags, lunch containers, and recipe books and honestly love just having the challenge of making things for the week in one afternoon session

>Various obscure animes. Currently its Yu Yu Hakusho, The GetBackers, Beyblade, and Naruto. Its been a whirlwind of old anime and I might be able to get out of it soon but very doubtful because I have been pumping out OCs and stories for it in my docs that I can't get over

>The history of Monopoly pieces

>Crafting, specifically centerpiece making. I made an amazing one for the Fall and want to make one for winter and spring now that the holidays are over.

> Criminal minds. I finally decided to watch it and I am binging it so hard. S8 E12 right now and thats not looking to stop anytime soon.

> Vacation planning. This is the furthest west I have ever lived as an adult, and I am planning on taking multiple single person trips over the next 4 years. i am an avid backpacker/hiker and my dad and I want to do a few big ones. Not to mention a few self indulgent trips to places because I honestly deserve that. My pinterest boards are full of ideas and tips

>Cleaning and organizing. I have been watching too much Marie Kondo and as I unpack I have been donating clothes, household items, and other things I just didn't need anymore.

> Furniture building. I am pretty good with my hands and built a shelf recently and now I am looking at blueprints for a custom laundry basket holder I desperately need.

>Star Wars, a given.

>Listening to various police scanners as background noise. There was a guy riding a bicycle naked down a street in my grandpas hometown recently and that just made my day

>Welsh on Duolingo. I have done so much with it in the last week alone >The Same 3 songs on repeat: Du Hast by Rammstein , Leila by Jah Khalib, and Popular from Wicked

> Create an app like "sick weather" but it pulls and partners with doctors offices, schools, and local agencies to map out "symptom sicknesses" and not just like flu and covid and stuff. >Shoes. My god I fucking love shoes right now. Cleaning them, wearing them, organizing them. Help.

>Making furniture out of broken hocket sticks and deciding what to make. I have literally 26 broken sticks in my garage and I need to do something with them. I have gone back and forth for days and currently trying to decide if I want to make a bench or beach chair. that went to me digging deeper into the weight capacity of a chair and the flex of each hockey stick and a bunch of physics and engineering equations.

> U-2 planes. I work with these now and they are so funky. I dive head deep into articles and essays and reports

> Making lists. I have a list for everything right now

>Labeling stuff. I have been throuwing a label on everything in sight and at this point its just instinct

> Fancy beer cans. I have a mini fridge, a bottom fridge shelf, and a whole counter top full of different beer cans right now and I want one from each four pack to add to my empty can collection because I love the art.

[sierrabinondo]

2022

~5-10 minute read (depending on how fast you can read i guess lmao)

it’s time!!! my annual recap of the year where i detail as much as i can remember as possible because i will 100% forget most of it in the near future. kind of depressing, kind of fun!

i took a peep at the 2021 post and...my god. ohhhh no. lmaooooooooo

in some ways 2022 was better than 2021. where it was worse, it was worse than i could have ever imagined. i was in a very terrible place for the better part of this year. thankfully, a lot of positive things still happened. so,,,without further ado,,,

i went into this year with, again, lofty expectations. i was convinced 2022 would be uber busy and explosive for WSA. the beginning of the year was rly quiet. it was basically just about recording acid redux and getting prepped for our first tour since 2019. for the first time ever, i was entrusted with drawing the tour ad mat. it was so difficult but i’m glad i was able to contribute. i needed to have that experience because i had never done a piece that big before, and i need to do more of those.

my job situation at the time was FUCKING terrible. anyone who is close to me knows how toxic the environment was at eventide. it was really getting to me. i was making an incredible amount of mistakes and i felt myself shrink every time i needed to be in a zoom call with my superiors. i came to hate my job so, so much. eventually, i lost my job around end of february. i already had a new position lined up (i feel like they knew because i updated my linkedin and they FUCKING said something to me about it) but it wasn’t the way i wanted to go. whereas i was panicking losing my job pre-pandemic, i was just angry i had no control over my exit. 

another thing that cushioned the blow of losing my job was almost being on the b****** album. pulses. wrote to him that i should be on his next record and he liked murder mountain so much that he contacted me. he reached out a week prior to me being let go, and that kicked off a really cool period of the year. so then i get this cool opp, no longer have to show up to this job i loathe, get a month off, accept a new job offer during this short break, go on tour, and come back to a new job. that was probably the best part of the year. it was great because i had zero idea what was coming lmao

getting a month off was a FUCKING blessing. the only huge downside was that my credit card debt became INFINITELY worse. in 2020 i was privileged to be paid to not work for the entire year and it was one of my favorite years of my life. i will take any chance i can get to experience that again, i.e. having a month and a half free from working. i got to go collision with my twitch friends that i FINALLY got to meet in person, finally hung out with donis, bren, frankie and christy after not having seen them in years, took brawly on long ass walks every day, and drew a lot. it was a relief to have so much downtime WHILE prepping for tour.

most of all. in that period of time, i finally started listening to twice. i don’t know if it was just hitting extra because i was in a transitional period at the time, but it only took a week before i was FULLY fucking indoctrinated. i. love. kpop. i love it!! so much!!! like yes, i know i’m mentally ill, but it’s like cocaine. it’s addicting. i spent the year learning the choreo to two full twice songs then the main chorus parts for about 10 other random songs for other groups laksjdl;akjsdf. i literally hadn’t danced since performing arts hs. i only have like a handful of friends i sometimes see who fuck with kpop and it’s killing me lmao help 

i won’t spend too much time on it because there’s like 8 other entries below this one about it, but we spent a week of april on tour with pulses. and IMAY for WCII and it was probably THE best thing that happened this year. our shortest run ever, and our most successful. i am so thankful we got to finally tour again, and it was better than i could have imagined. i really hoped at the time it wasn’t going to be our last tour for the year, but things fell apart (i’ll get to that lmao) so it sadly was our only run.

when i came back from tour, i had my first-ever subathon. i had so much trouble running things smoothly, but it was so much fun. it was a wonderful way to celebrate the folks in my community and everything we’ve done together over the last two years. couldn’t be more grateful for them!!! 

in may we played beers 4 tears fest with a shit ton of our friends and it was chaos. i have never played a set trashed before then, and i will NEVER do it again. oh my god. and to my dismay, the evidence is on full display on youtube. so yeah. we wanted to actually enjoy ourselves at the fest and drink red tank beer, but we had to play fucking last at near midnight lmao. one of our worst sets, but it was a fun day and i’m glad we got to be a part of it.

i also finally got covid! that was fucking awful! and i’m pretty sure i am experiencing some form of long covid. i have never been so tired in my life and if feel winded more easily. it really sucked. i wish i could have avoided it, but it’s absolutely impossible now. thankfully, i didn’t get it again for the remainder of the year.

in june, my uncle passed suddenly. it was so devastating, and he died way too young. he had health complications throughout his life, but i never, ever thought he’d go this soon; they were never life-threatening. in may, i knew he was in and out of the hospital, but my mom was frequently visiting him and insisted it wasn’t crtiical. then, out of nowhere, he’s in serious condition after a procedure and the doctors are swearing up and down they can’t do anything to help him. my aunt and mom had just gone to a second doctor for his opinion and said there was something that could be done to save him, but they couldn’t get him what he needed in time. i still to this day can’t grasp that he’s gone. 

in both june and august, my band was invited to DJ emo nite baltimore (and eventually emo nite asbury, which we bombed hard lmao) which was shocking to us, but considering we’d get to hang with pulses., and the emo nite crew, there was no way we were turning that down. that was such a fun weekend trip to baltimore. for baltimore we were lucky to have our set earlier in the night so that made things a little easier but we still felt so awkward on stage just dancing around with no instruments hahaha. dropping smooth to a room full of 300 emo zoomers was hilarious. afterwards, alexa put us up overnight and cooked brunch for all fucking like 15 of us. it was so so lovely. 

over the course of the year, i got to hang out with pulses. SO often. out of all my friendships with anyone, ours is thriving so fucking hard. we really make this long distance stuff work with no issue :’) for the better part of 2022 they’d make the drive to us, but i made trips down to them in august, october and november. in july they came down to go see thursday with jaime and i. every time we’d hang, we stayed up til like 3-4 am drinking and watching music videos. in the fall, we saw shows in VIP at soundstage together and those shows were even better because we had seats lmao. i got to hang out more with adam, carlos and the emo nite crew more, and i’m glad we had more time to chill!! 

as i mentioned earlier this year, i got a new job. i actually really, really like it. i will never romanticize a job- they’re all going to have their imperfections- but holy shit, i am actually not waking up every day feeling crippling anxiety about having to work. i have ample PTO (almost a month’s worth). i work with really amazing, like-minded people who actually believe in boundaries and having a life outside of their jobs. the work i do feels like it means something. and i am actually not afraid of my manager and/or boss. i have never felt even the slightest bit positive about a past position, but i do here. and these people got me out to CALIFORNIA and SPAIN this year. so yeah, out of nowhere, i get a new job and find out two months after i start that i’m going to los angeles for a few days. then, i spent a week in september in spain, which overlapped with my birthday. normally, i vehemently reject having to do anything outside of M-F office hours (even parties), but those were two of my favorite parts this year. i absolutely fell in love with LA and i did so much exploring in spain. most of all.....i ate so much good fucking food. to think that, i not only got a way healthier work experience with this new position after going through HELL, but i also got to travel? that’s incredible. and i very much adore the people on my team. they make me want to actually... care about my job

my 30th birthday was this year. i tried so hard to rent a place for it but what the fuck it’s SO expensive. so we ended up throwing the biggest rager we’ve ever had at our house. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN and i wish i could have spent more time with everyone that came. karaoke ruled, THE FOOD SPREAD WAS INCREDIBLE (TY TO MY FAMILY AND KRISTEN) and we partied hard as fuck. so many people came through, and it was an honor to have so many amazing people show up for me (even driving HOURS to be there). i have the best fucking people in my life,,,,,ever. i really do. and i’m so lucky.

i never thought this was ever going to happen but this year i ended up joining nintendo noise! truthfully, i had secretly gotten started in like may or june hehe. never ever thought i would end up being a podcaster. i was elated when pete and steve asked me to join as a co-host and i wanted to do whatever i could to make it work. i am obviously not the most knowledgeable guy when it comes to video games, but it’s been a blast getting to talk games every other week with them. pete and steve alone have been my favorite duo to listen to since 2017, and i’ve known pete since 2010. i’ve learned a lot from listening to their past shows, and now being on a show with them. i know i’m really passionate about music, but i’ve also come to realize that video games are equally as much of an important part of my life. so it’s incredible to also be involved with them in this way, thanks to my friends :’) and i get ANOTHER platform to tell everyone that they should be playing digimon,,,,,,

that really cool feature i landed at the beginning of the year ended up not happening. i really thought, “there’s no way after he paid me half and we put in all this work together that he would just ghost me” but he did. but i’m grateful i even got the opportunity, and i know it means i was worthy of getting there. whatever happened was out of my control, and i came to accept that. it’s not my song. i have my feelings on the way the situation was handled, but it’s all in the past. just! don’t meet your heroes, folks!

in september, WSA stopped playing shows to focus on the full length. i don’t know what happened but we just didn’t get it done this year. as of the time i’m writing this, all main guitars are done and fully tracked, some drums still need to be done, and ALL of the vocals need to be tracked (i just got started last night). the thing i try to keep saying to myself to calm my anxieties about it is that- we only get one chance to drop this album, and once it’s out, we get about a week of people’s attention. that’s it. so, if we have to take our time, so be it. but it’s 100% coming out next year IT HAS TO AT THIS POINT LMFAO

and that was really the rest of my year. enjoying the holidays (cosplayed as mirko for halloween :-----) and trying to stay productive. every time december rolls around i try really hard to make it a fun holiday season, but i end up getting too busy :((( december was also a scary month for me, mentally. my depression has been worsening as of late but i’m trying really hard to work through it.

i also realized this year that i have a lot of friendships that have stood the test of time, and it’s okay if we’re not always in sync! i spent a lot of my mid 20′s second guessing the people in my life, but i don’t have to anymore. i know that i have incredible friends who will always be there for me if i need them. so now i just need to learn how to be a better friend to myself.

it was a really tough year, and there’s so much i wish i could do over, but the good that came with 2022 was ultimately really positive. tons of fun gigs, dozens of late nights forcing my friends to watch buff correll, drunk heart to hearts, lots of kind new faces, and an abundance of laughs. i think this year a lot of foundation was laid for 2023 to be really cool. i’m crossing my fingers and keeping my expectations as low as i can lmao.

so if you read this far, i’m sorry HAHA. but thanks? i hope to come back this time next year with some good news. a lot can happen in 12 months.