#GOD I LOVE TANNER - ALSO JUST SO @ EVERYONE KNOWS HES FUCKING HOT TOO

[masonscig]

tanner pt. 1: god i could ramble on for hours and hours about this man. and i have before, so i'll try to keep this as short as i can lol. tanner isn't a detective obviously, he's a nephilim and he works as a bounty hunter for the agency. his li is morgan and his bff is farah. he doesn't like nate at all (thinks he's a goody goody and too boring), and he likes adam only for the fact that he hits on him frequently and makes him mad because he finds it funny.

KAT HIIIIIII I LOVE YOU MWAH (sorry for the shitty crops) IM GONNA ANSWER TANNER FIRST BC HE’S NEWEST TO ME AND SO INTERESTING AHHHH 

god i love how clearly painted out his personality is – he’s genuinely such a strong character and holy SHIT he’s morgan’s match and i LOVEEEE IT!!!! oh my god even reading these asks im sitting here like HOLYYYY SHIT i want more – bro....... him having to work for the agency so he doesn’t get thrown in prison?

and his sister im????? kat his backstory is SO rich and honestly i dont even care that he’s not a detective bc he’s genuinely one of the coolest characters and i love him omfg

(also so everyone knows i talked to kat and tanner might make an appearance in an au of mine to piss off a certain chainsmoking vampire hehe)

ATTN: IF ANYONE WANTS TO READ MORE TANNER HERE’S KAT’S SERIES FIRE MEET GASOLINE!!!!! 

[mayraki]

The Trained Assassin.

Spencer Reid series. Part 7.

Not my gif! Credits to the owner.

Summary: Life’s not easy when you found out that instead of being trained to be a spy for the CIA, you are being trained to be an assassin, a killer. The people you wanted to stop, they were making you one. That’s when you joined the BAU to become someone new, you didn’t want to be someone’s toy. You wanted your past to be arrased, that’s all. But it’s not easy to hide a past like that.

MASTERLIST

Warning: graphic descriptions!

“Ex-boyfriend”

You knew that the moment you were stepping on that meeting office everyone’s eyes were going to be on you.

Since the last case, you haven’t seen anyone of team except for Spencer, and you wished you wouldn’t have seen him too. You didn’t want to think of the last moment you spoked to him, you wanted to be with your little brother and enjoy every second you had with him and not think about who the hell was this Sophie.

And you were absolutely right, the seconds your left foot touched the floor of the meeting room, your whole team was looking at you. Hotch and Gideon weren’t in there so you supposed that the meeting hadn’t started yet.

You felt Spencer eyes on you but you didn’t want to look at him back. Talking was not in the table for you two right now.

“This is not awkward at all.” You said trying to lose the tension of the room but that didn’t help. You noticed that Garcia was there with the team and you decided in that second to talk about. “Ok, you’re all profilers and I’m sure you were able to figure it out. But I don’t want it to be any questions about who I really am and where I came from, so I’m just going to say it. Yes, I used to work for the CIA. I trained with one of the most talented and smart women out there, that’s how I know everything I know and how I can do everything I can. I am a trained assassin. But I’m not one.” No one said anything when you finished but you noticed that there was a lot of questions on their heads. “You can ask me questions if you want, I don’t mind. And before anyone wants to ask, no, I haven’t killed any one as an assassin.”

There was silent for a couple of seconds but then Morgan talked first.

“Why did you quit? If you joined the training, you wanted it at the begging, right? What made you change your mind?”

“I didn’t want it at the beginning. I didn’t have anything else, so I saw it as an escape. I way of doing something with my life.” Morgan nodded.

“So... you are like the real Natasha Romanoff from the Avengers?” Garcia asked being more serious than ever. “Or like Charlie’s Angels?”

You let out a little laugh. “No, I wish I was as cool as them. But you could say that.”

“Your mind is incredible, you know that baby girl?” Morgan said while laughing and Garcia winked at him.

“We can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in a place like that, what they do and what they teach, but what we do know is that we don’t see you as one.” Emily said. “As a killer. You are what you are now, we don’t like you any less because of what you were.” She smiled at you.

“Damn you profilers.” You said shacking your head slowly and everyone laughed. “Thank you, guys. Really.”

You unintentionally looked at Spencer who was looking at the file he had in front of him but his eyes were looking the other way. He was listening closely to the conversation.

Hotch entered the room and nodded at JJ telling her the meeting could start.

“There’s a been two explosions in the last month. Two people died because the explosions happend inside their cars.” She pressed the control she had on her hand and the pictures of fire and the two victims burned down showed up on the screen.

“That sounds kind of personal, isn’t it?” Morgan said.

“Yeah, that big of a thing just to be random? That doesn’t sound right.” Emily said.

“Or maybe he likes the attention.” Spencer said while looking at the pictures.

“Maybe. It’s better if we visit the crime scene ourselves.” Hotch said.

“Where are we headed?” You asked.

“Miami.”

***

“Oh my god, is it always this hot?” You asked once you stepped out of the car taking your jacket off, showing your shoulders and your strong arms.

As you were walking towards the police station a shirtless man walked next to you and Emily, showing his marked abs and his big arms.

“Is it normal here to just walk around with no shirt on?” You said following the guy with your eyes.

“I’m not complaining.” Emily said and you let out a little laugh.

“Thank you for coming.” a man said to Hotch when the team entered the building.

“It’s our pleasure to help. This are Agents Prentiss, y/ln, Morgan and Dr. Spencer Reid.” Everyone nodded saying ‘hello’ and the police officer gave a little smile.

“Let me take you to the detective in charge.” He said and started walking followed by the team. “That’s him.”

You looked at where the police officer had pointed and when you saw the detective in charge you rolled your eyes.

“Oh... fuck.” You said almost in a whisper but the team was able to hear you.

“What’s up?” Emily asked.

“He’s....” you said while looking at the man approaching you “my ex- boyfriend.”

“It’s nice to have the FBI here, it’s a pleasure.” Jack said once he stood in front of the team and Hotch shacked his hand. His proud smile was something that you didn’t miss, because it was more arrogant that proudness. He locked eyes with you and his smile went even bigger than before.

“Y/n, nice to see you again.” He said and you give him a sarcastic half smile.

“Well, let me give you a brief talk about what we just found out.” He said and started walking towards his office.

The team followed him, but Emily and JJ started walking next to you grabbing you gently by your arm so you would slow down.

“You dated him?” Emily asked.

You knew that Jack was a really attractive man, he had dark blond hair and his eyes were the color of the tasty honey. Now he was tanner than before and you assumed that it was because he now lived in the sunny Miami. He always had all the girls after him, and not only because of his pretty face, but also his strong body. You remembered that the gym was one of his favorite things. The veins in his arms always made you fall at his feet, you were so in love with him that you could see what he really was, an asshole.

“Yeah, it was years ago. We met on a case.” You said.

“He’s hot.” JJ said lookin at him walk in front of us.

“He’s an asshole.” You said lifting one of your eyebrows remembering the reason why you two broke up. “He’s a cheater.”

Their faces changed completely, like they were disappointed.

“Well, you know what they say. Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Emily said and you nodded.

“There’s a connection between the two victims, we talked to their parents and they both just signed up for therapy.” Jack said.

“And you need us to find this guy.” Morgan said looking at the pictures on the board.

“Yeah, we hit a dead end and there’s no more leads. We’re stuck.”

Hotch nodded “Emily and JJ, go talk to their parents again, you may find something else. Me and Morgan are going to go to the crime scenes and talk to the civilians, Spencer and y/n, stay here and read the files, see if you can take anything from there to do the profile.”

Everyone nodded but when you were going to go to the desk where the files were, Jack stopped you by touching your arm.

“You look good, y/n” he said when his mouth got close to your face.

You smiled at him “I know... I always look good.” And without saying anything else you walked to the desk and do your job.

***

You felt the clothes you had on starting to make you feel uncomfortable. The air conditioner was broken and the hot air invaded the police station. You had a small shirt on and it made your breasts be more visible. Being in a room filled with men and you dressed like that was not something you wanted, the amount of times you talked to men and their eyes went down at least two times, you were tired to say ‘my eyes are up here.’

“It’s possible that the unsub is a fake therapy, meaning that they don’t have a permit to work as such. But that doesn’t mean that they didn’t studied psychology in college.” Spencer said while reading to the files once again.

“Ok, so, they are probably in their mids 40. So let’s call Garcia and have her do her thing.” You said and Spencer nodded.

You got up and felt a body go behind you. Jack touched your waist to move you and you turned to him.

“Now I know where your co-workers get it from.” You said crossing your arms over your chest.

“What?” Jack said confused.

“Can you say to your men to stop with the staring and keep their eyes where they belong... the paperwork.” You said with a half sarcastic smile.

“C’mon y/n, it’s you who came to work dressed like that.” He said looking back at the file he had on his hand.

Oh no he did not just say that.

But before you could say anything Spencer talked behind you.

“Uh, the ones who are out of line are the people who worked for you. And that says a lot about your ways of leading this people, doesn’t it? So if they can’t handle a simple shoulder they have to go back to kindergarten so the teachers could teach them some manners.” He said and went back to his computer.

“Excuse me?” Jack said and you couldn’t help but let out a little smile.

Ok, that was hot.

“I said what I said. Now if you don’t mind we have a case to solve.” Jack was about to say something but the voice of Garcia cut him off.

“Garcia I need you to look up the graduates of psychology in the university of Miami between the years 1970 and 1972.”

You walked towards the computer and stood behind Spencer so Garcia could see you too.

“You guys actually think he studied psychology?” Jack said standing next to you and looking at Garcia.

“There’s at least 150 people who graduated between does years. Do you have anything else so I can make the list short... Hello.” She said when he looked at Jack. But seconds later she came back to reality. “Do you? Sorry.”

“Yeah, look up if there’s anyone who got rejected to be a real therapy. Who didn’t got a permit.” You said ignoring Jack next to you.

“Yeah, there’s only ten that didn’t got a permit but five of them were because they continued their studies and went for something else.”

“Ok, send me the list of names and when you have everything about this five men call me.” Spencer said and ended the call when Garcia nodded.

Jack went away without rolling his eyes at Spencer. You sat down next to him and got closer so you two could talk with no one hearing.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Do what?” He said reading the file.

“Defend me, I can do that myself. But thank you.”

“He’s an asshole, I had to do it. And I have to be honest, I did it more for myself than for you. I wanted to confront him.” You let out a little laugh.

“Well, thank you anyway.”

“I told you before, there’s no one who can protect you the way we protect each other.”

***

“So, he kills them because he doesn’t believe in that kind of help. Therapy.” You said.

“And a way of letting them go of the pain is to kill them.” Emily said while reading the file Garcia just sent.

“And... I think I know who’s the next victim.” You said trying to get your ideas in order.

“Who?” Emily asked.

“Remember the guy that we interviewed yesterday, Oliver?” You said. “He told us about him and how he left because he felt weirded out by him. He was fixing his car bacause he noticed some weird wires coming out it...”

“They are a bomb.” Hotch said and the tension of the room changed completely.

”He’s in a parking lot.” JJ said when she called the man immediately and asked him where he was.

“Garcia, please tell me that you have an address” Hotch said on the phone.

“I’m sending it to you, that’s his house.”

“JJ, tell him to get away from his car. As fast and as far as possible.” She nodded “Y/n and Morgan, go to the parking lot. The last bomb had a timer, it’s the same as the last one, it’s going to blow up in an hour. Emily and I, we’re going to his house. Spencer and Jack, go to his work. Go.”

The team rushed out the police station and went their ways.

Once we got to the parking lot you saw the black car parked and you two walked to it.

“The last bomb was under the front sit!” Morgan said opening the door of the car and you walked to the other side. “I got it.” He said almost in a whisper. “It’s says thirty minutes. Oliver got out of his job early, that’s why he was here before the bomb went off.”

You got inside the car and started it.

“What are you doing?” Morgan asked.

“Put the bomb in the back. There’s no way we’re are going to be able to turn it off in less than twenty five minutes, not a bomb as complex as this one. I’m going to drive it away.”

“Y/n, there’s gotta be another option!”

“No, there’s not! Put the bomb in the back and go.”

“No, you’re really wrong if you think that I’m going to let you do this alone.” He said sitting down next to you and putting the gun gently in the back.”

“There’s bridge above water that I saw when we got here, it’s not far, we could go there.” Morgan suggested and you nodded.

“I remember.”

“Hotch.” Morgan said after answering his phone. “We are in a situation here, we have the bomb. We are driving it away. I know! (...) What!?”

“What happened?” You said.

“There was an explosion at the building he faked his therapy. Emily and Hotch are far away from it.” He said quickly.

No...

“Spencer was the there...”

You stopped the car and reached over to his door and to open it.

“What are you doing?!”

“Go help him! Spencer! It’s two blocks away from here.” He looked at you and hesitated for a second.

“I’m not going to let you do this alone, Y/n”

“We don’t have a lot of time! Go! Now Morgan!” And in that second Morgan was out of the car and you started to drive again.

You felt your eyes starting to water when Spencer came into your mind. You didn’t want to think about him, the road and getting the bomb out of there had to be your one priority right now. But his face was in your mind like a portrait, of him smiling and frowning his eyebrows when he was thinking. You looked at the bomb, five minutes left. Your heart skipped a beat and you turned your head back to the road. You didn’t want to end like this, not before seeing your little brother again, trying to make Hotch smile and get into his nerves. Listening to Morgan’s jokes with Garcia and those fun nights with JJ and Emily. And most importantly, Spencer. Your heart skipped a beat again when you heard his laugh in your mind, you regained faith, it’s not your time yet.

You saw the bridge and turned the car faster than you ever did, making it into it just in time. You saw your opportunity, you grabbed the bomb with your left hand while the other one was still driving the car. Carefully, you put it in the pedal and with quick moves you turned the car to go into the water and you opened the door, jumpin immediately to the side of the road.

And the last thing you heard, was the sound of the bomb going off.

“That’s my girl.” You heard Spencer’s voice in your mind before everything went dark.

*****

PART 8

taglist: @itsarayofsunshine @whothefuckstolemykeds @haykayhesson @enigma-xlii @introvertedsin @mylovehes @infires420 @uwu-sebastianstan @my-life-is-here-soo @spencersdolore @oldspirit

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone: Chapter 3

Title: Safe and Warm

Warnings: brief mention of child sexual abuse. Very brief.

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @tragiclyhip

“You should have gotten these looked at BEFORE you came home.”

She sits on his stomach; knee on either side of his body and a bottle of peroxide, package of cotton balls, a pair of tweezers, and a tube of healing ointment rest on his chest. With all of the kids finally settled for the night and the house tidied and every last plate, cup and piece of silverware in the dishwasher, it’s finally their turn to relax. A quick soak in the hot tub while sipping drinks; one last glass of wine for her and a coffee for him. Still damp bodies clad in bathrobes as they sat on the couch; eating ice cream straight out of the carton while relaxing in front of the heat and ambiance given off by the gas fireplace. All conversation steering clear away from anything job related. Talking instead about Christmas and all the things that still need to be done; present wrapping, last minute gift grabbing, decorating. The kids also have jam packed ‘to do’ lists; skating, seeing the tree at Rockefeller, sledding, visiting Santa and the reindeer at Central Park. Christmas Day is spent with just the nine of them; the kids playing with their gifts and spending time outside, a traditional dinner that they’ve become quite the professionals at preparing together. The following day they’ll travel into Queens and spend the day with Ovi and Riya and their little family; two ‘grandkids’ that will be loved upon and spoiled senseless. New Years is usually spent quietly at home; takeout and alcoholic beverages and entertaining the kids with board games. This year plans have changed; Ovi’s wedding at The James New York in Soho.

As exciting as the latter is and as much as he does enjoy his time in New York City -the happiness and excitement evident on his wife and children’s faces more than enough to erase any of his own discomfort- it will be nice to get home. Back to their slice of paradise; the sun and the sand and the privacy and the feeling of security that comes with owning so much land. They’ll have a second Christmas; an informal get together with friends with a cookout on the beach and a ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange. Work will be put on the back burner; no calls or emails from clients returned until the kids go back to school, the bookstore in good hands under the supervision of the two college students Esme had hired a year ago. Business has been good; exceeding even her wildest dreams and expectations. Already a well loved staple in Cooktown; customers loving the wide array of books and magazines, the outdoor courtyard and the comfortable couches and chairs allotted for those simply there to relax. Reading their purchases or the kindles set up for free use and indulging in the variety of cold and hot drinks and baked goods. The treats are mostly prepared by Tanner who has become quite the little chef and baker; finding his ‘place’ in the kitchen and never happier than when he’s creating some kind of dish or dessert from scratch. He’s also in charge of biweekly book reviews; picking a title to read and then preparing a well written report to go along with it. He’s become quite the local celebrity because of it; fan mail arriving on the daily from kids all over town and those who may have visited during family travels.

If anyone had told Tyler thirteen years ago that he’d even still be alive, let alone living THIS life, he would have told them they were insane. Laughing off the notion at ever being a husband and a father again; too much of a mess and certainly way too much of a liability for anyone to ever take a chance on. It’s weird how quick things can change. How one chance meeting with someone as equally broken and damaged as you can change the entire course of your future. Looking at you in ways that no one has ever has; willing to take on the enormous amounts of baggage and seeing past all your faults and your rough spots and jagged edges and giving you a future you never imagined even in your wildest dreams.

“There wasn’t a reason to get them looked after. They’re just scratches; branches getting a hold of me when I was in the bush.”

“Some of them are pretty deep. And I know you tried when you were in the shower, but there’s stuff stuck in some of them. Dirt or wood or something. Aren’t they sore?”

“They’re SCRATCHES. I’ve had a hell of a lot worse.”

“They’re a mess is what they are.” She picks up the tweezers; eyes narrowing as she leans over him and plucks pieces of debris out of one of the wounds. “Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t things supposed to go down in the city?”

“They did. In Laos.”

“I thought it was going to be the same in Cambodia. You let me read what Anil sent you. I’m pretty sure things were supposed to happen in Phnom Penh? How’d you end up going from there into the jungle?”

“There was a change of plans.”

She smirks. “Obviously.”

“You know how it is, things don’t always go the way we want.”

“I’d say nine times out of ten, they don’t. Seriously though, your face is a wreck. You should have gotten this all cleaned up hours ago. BEFORE you got on a plane home. What if they get infected? You don’t know what’s in that jungle. They could have some crazy poisonous plant life or something. What if you got into something like THAT?”

“I think it’s safe to say we’d know something like that by now. What are you so squeamish about? You’ve seen me in worse shape.”

“Now THAT’S an understatement. Have you ever thought I just don’t like seeing you banged up and scratched up? Have you ever thought maybe I’ve had just about enough of all of that? Can’t I nurse you back to health from something else for a change? Like...I don’t know...the man flu?”

“You always complain when I get sick. That I’m too needy.”

“I have never once said you’re too needy. I have, however, complained about how whiny you get. How you come down with a head cold and act like you’re dying. How do you go through the things you have and survive what you’ve survived, and think a cold will be the cause of your demise?”

“Hey, those colds get pretty bad.”

“Worse than…” Pausing, she sits straight up and drops the tweezers onto the bed, then soaks a cotton ball with peroxide. “...you know what? I’m not even going to finish that sentence because that will only bring bad juju. Talking about all of that? Revisiting it? Nothing good will come of that. And we need good juju, don’t you think?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Who? Me? No. Maybe. Just a little. Is a whole bottle of wine for oneself considered drunk?”

“For normal people, yeah. For you…”

“Look, I had a rough day. In fact, it’s been a brutal FOUR days. And right now? Well right now, I should be getting laid. Or at the very least, have my husband going down on me. And what I’m doing? Playing nursemaid. And not in a fun, sexy way either. Not the kind of playing nursemaid that comes with little outfits and orgasms.”

He grins. “You ARE drunk.”

“I’m just saying, I had other plans for this evening and picking pieces of the Cambodian jungle out of your face wasn’t part of it.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“Mmm...hmmm…”

“And I’d rather be doing other stuff too, but…”

“But the shit hit the fan and everything got fucked up and you ended up doing God knows what, doing God knows where. I’m not even going to ask how it went. I think I’m scared to hear the answer. It was obviously a dumpster fire if you went from the capital city of Cambodia to the bowels of hell.”

“There were a couple...snags.”

She returns to the task of investigating and cleaning the various scratches that mar his face and neck. “Anil let on everything went great.”

“Probably just didn’t want to worry you.”

“Was there something for me to worry about?”

“Not as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been involved in way worse things. It was pretty straight forward. Two easy hits.”

“First one went okay?”

“Exactly the way it should have.”

“Second one?”

“I thought you weren’t going to ask?”

“You don’t want me asking?”

“I don’t care if you ask. You just said you weren’t going to because you were afraid of what you might hear.”

“Do I have anything to be afraid of?”

“Esme, seriously? Do you want to know or not? It wasn’t THAT bad. I’m here, aren’t I? In one piece?”

She nods.

“It honestly wasn't that big of a disaster. Things got a little fucked up. The second one didn’t go the way it should have. I had to make some decisions; change some shit around. The Mark wasn’t where he was supposed to be. I had to find out where he was and I had to figure out how to make things work.”

“Well good thing it WAS you that Anil asked. Because it probably would have been a lot worse. At least you know what you’re doing; you can think on your feet and stay calm and focused. A change like that? That would have thrown other people off. They probably wouldn’t have been able to get the second guy. They would have been too frazzled. That kind of change would have totally thrown them off.”

“Are you speaking highly of me, wife?”

“I am. I tend to speak very highly of you. All the time. To everyone. Even when I’m picking pieces of Cambodia out of your face.” She grabs the tweezers and unceremoniously inserts the tips into a large scratch at the side of his left eye; yanking out a piece of wood. “And it’s a nice face, by the way. So I don’t particularly like you coming home all messed up.”

“Like I said, I’ve had worse.”

“I will give you that.”

They lapse into a comfortable, companionable silence; his hands resting on her thighs as she continues to work at disinfecting and cleaning the scratches and her fingertips rub wound aftercare ointment into his skin. And he admires her as she does so. That steely look of determination on her face; lips set in a thin line and her eyes slightly narrowed and her hands steady yet gentle. And she looks so beautiful in that moment; in the mixture of moonlight and the glow given off by the bedside lamps. Hair pushed into a messy ‘up sweep’; held together by various clips -colourful and unicorn themed, ‘borrowed’ from Addie’s room- and bobby pins. Her face freshly cleaned and scrubbed; bearing the lingering scent of the grapefruit and pomegranate body wash she’d fallen in love with months ago. Clad in what she considers pyjamas; a faded and slightly tattered plaid button down shirt he’d worn during their Colorado days that is enormous on her tiny frame.

It’s been just over twelve years. Since he’d first laid eyes on her; standing on his front porch in The Kimberley in her little denim shorts and that yellow tank top that clung to her like a second skin. He’d known right away that he was in trouble; feeling things he hadn’t felt in a hell of a long time when she so much glanced in his direction and offered a small, almost nervous smile. And it would take him nearly ten years to admit what she’d probably known not long after their initial meeting: that his heart was hers from the very first day.

“You’re beautiful.” He says now, and a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.

“Are YOU drunk?”

“I haven’t drank in five years. I’m truthful.”

“Maybe your eyesight is worse than you think,” she teases, and dabs a peroxide dampened cotton ball against the scratches on his forehead.

“Or maybe you just hate compliments. Even twelve years into things.”

“You know I don’t handle compliments well. Even now. I know that doesn’t make sense, considering we HAVE been together that long and you’re the master of compliments and sweet talk, but that’s just who I am. It’s just me.”

“I will break you yet.”

“You’ve been trying for over a decade. Same way you’ve been trying to make an honest woman out of me.”

“Come on, at least give me THAT. At least admit THAT was successful.”

“Fine…” she leans down to peck his lips. “I’ll let you have your small victories. You’re still going out tomorrow? With Tanner?”

He nods. “It’s our thing.”

“He’s so excited. He’s been talking about it non stop since we got here. Apparently he’s been writing a lot. He’s got A LOT to show you.”

“Yeah, he told me. Something about crazy dreams he’s been having. He’s so fucking smart, Me. Way smarter than I am. He’s got your brain pan for sure.”

“He is far more intelligent than I ever was at that age. His brain is just...I don’t know. It’s beautiful and it’s brilliant. And it’s kind of scary at the same time. I mean, he’s only ten. And look where he’s at. Not even a special school is a big enough challenge for him. He is so far ahead of all of those kids. What happens when he’s too far ahead? When that place doesn’t have what he needs anymore? Then what? He’s already reading at a high school senior level. And his math? His science? You’ve seen his marks. They’ve got him doing things that fourteen and fifteen year olds are learning. And he’s passing it all with flying colours. Soon they’re not going to have what he needs. What then?”

“We find somewhere else.”

“Where? There’s nothing where we are. And we’re not moving. We just aren’t. We’ve put way too much into that house and that land. And we love it too much. So do the kids. We can’t upset their lives like that.”

“We’ll figure something out. We’ll find something. Someone. There’s always a way, right? Isn’t that what you always tell me? Where there’s a will, there’s a way?”

“When I told you that I wasn’t expecting to have a genius child on my hands. And I know it sounds like I’m bitching. That it sounds like I’m not proud of him.”

“It doesn’t sound like that, Me. At all.”

“Because I am. Proud of him. He’s insanely smart and he’s beautiful and he’s just this incredible little being that I don’t feel I even deserve. But I’m scared. For him. Because he isn’t like everyone else. He never has been. And I know we should celebrate that and celebrate who he is and nurture it and encourage it. But it fucking terrifies me. Someone like Tanner out in the real world. Because he’s NOT like us. Or his brothers and sisters. Or ninety five percent of society. He’s sensitive and he’s kind and he has this huge heart. And I’m scared what’s going to happen to him. Just for being who he is.”

“He’s ten, Me. We have years before we have to worry about anything like that. It’s going to be a long time before he’s out of the house. He’s smart as hell, but you’re right; he’s not like everyone else. Maturity wise? He’s a lot younger. He’s not ten in a lot of ways. He’s going to be with us for a bit. Longer than the rest of them.”

“I just don't want him hating who he is. I don’t want him growing up and hating himself. He’s already told you that. About how he doesn’t like his brain and how it works. How he doesn’t like being different.”

“That’s mostly when he’s pissed that he can’t do the things that TJ does. Or because he’s so much smaller. He has his moments; where he wishes he was like his brother. Didn’t you have moments like that growing up? Wishing you could be someone different?”

“Of course. We all do. I’m sure you did.”

“Fuck, practically every damn day. He’s going to be fine, Me. He’s just a little boy. And he’ll be a little boy in some ways for longer. It is what it is. He’ll be okay. So will we.”

“You are so much better at this than I am,” Esme laments, and tends to screwing the cap onto the peroxide and moving all of the supplies and tools to the mattress. “You’re so much better with him. You have been since the very beginning. Who was the strong one when we got the diagnosis? Who was the one that DIDN’T go into a severe depression and the seven stages of grief? I mean, we suspected it and I STILL had a hard time. I’m his mother. And I struggled then and I’m struggling now. What kind of parent does that? FEELS that?”

“One that loves their kid more than life itself. Who worries about them and is scared for them because they know how fucking cruel the world can be.”

“You’ve just been so much better than I have. You’ve handled it better. Me? I’m just a mess. And not a hot one either.”

“I think you’re way too hard on yourself. You’re a good mom. You’re an amazing mom. Just because you’re having a hard time with this doesn’t mean you’re a shitty parent. Just means you love him.”

“I do. Love him. He’s my Nugget. And I hate that he struggles. That he doubts himself. That he shit talks himself sometimes.”

“Gee, I wonder where he gets THAT from.”

Smirking, she picks up the tweezers and points them at him. “Don’t make me stick these in your eye.”

“I’m just saying…” he plucks the instrument from her hand and tosses it onto the bedside table, then reaches up to push loose strands of her away from her face. “...he does get some things from you. And you do like to shit talk yourself.”

“I’m working on it.”

“For the last twelve years?”

“So I’m a slow learner. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Why are you like this?”

His calloused palms rest on the sides of her face; thumbs brushing along the tops of her cheekbones. “Like what?”

“So good to me. Why are you like that?”

“Oh I don’t know, Me. Might have to do with the fact that you’re my wife and the mother of my children. My SEVEN children. And maybe...just maybe...it has something to do with the fact that I’m wildly and crazily in love with you.”

“Still? Even after twelve years?”

“Even MORE after twelve years. More and more every day, actually.”

“God I love you,” she declares, then stretches out along his body and buries her face in the favourite place of hers; the warm nook between neck and shoulder. “I love you so much. More than I could ever tell you.”

Pressing a kiss to her temple, he wraps both arms around her slender body. “Ditto.”

She laughs at his response; placing a kiss to the sensitive spot below his ear and then pushes her fingers through his hair. It’s longer now. Often messy and often unruly; sides and back no longer shaved right down to the skin. She claims it’s her second favourite look of his; liking the fact that there’s something to ‘grab onto’ during more intimate moments.

He feels the tickle or her lashes as her eyes flicker closed, followed by the long, content sigh that she releases. And for several long minutes they lay in silence, one of his hands moving up to comb through her hair, the other slipping under the hem of her shirt; knuckles repeatedly skimming up and down her spine.

“Me?”

“Yeah?” Her voice is muffled against the side of his neck.

“Don’t take this the wrong way. I really DO like snuggling with you and all that. But right now? Right now I’m really horny and I really want to fuck.”

Laughing, she playfully tugs on his hair and pulls back to look at him. “Husband, you’re nothing if not brutally honest.”

“Wanna have sex?”

Grinning, she leans in to press a kiss to his lips. “Actually,” she says. “I do.”

****

They lay in a tangled mess of wrinkled sheets and sweaty limbs; listening to the wind that rattles the windows and the soft patter of ice pellets and snow against the glass. Both on their sides with her back tucked into his front; her nails lightly and repeatedly skimming along the forearm that rests just under her breasts. His breath is warm against the nape of her neck and she enjoys the different sensations against her skin; the juxtaposition of soft, moist lips and the roughness of his beard. He wears it much shorter now; neatly trimmed and groomed and a far cry from the ‘lumberjack days’ when they’d lived in Colorado. Back when his body was thicker; extra weight around the middle and his muscles more bulky. He’s much more defined now. Tall and lean and athletic; broad shoulders and wide back, a sharp cut to his waist and beautifully detailed abs.

Forty seven years old and he’s in the best shape he’s ever been; a near mirror image of what he’d looked like at thirty five when they’d first met. She remembers that day well. Glancing up from where she’d crouched down on the porch to shower attention on his dog and finding those blue eyes riveted on her; intense and electric and filled with both curiosity and thinly veiled annoyance. He wasn’t used to company, and certainly didn’t seem to like the idea of a complete stranger being brought straight to his doorstep.

Nik had told her just the bare minimum; ex special forces, a host of personal baggage and addiction issues, intense and withdrawn at his best. But word travels when you’re in the ‘circle’; the job a relatively tight knit considering the amount of people caught up in it and the number of countries that are serviced. She’d heard the stories; tales of fearlessness and brutality and exceptional skills. And while she’d thought Nik’s idea was ridiculous and that it would never work, she’d been intrigued as well; wanting to put a face to the name and to all the rumours and the whispers she’d been subjected to. Other than his towering height and those muscles that strained under the sleeves of his shirt and the host of tattoos and scars, he hadn’t been that intimidating; offering just a brief twitch of the lips in lieu of a smile, his hand engulfing hers when he quickly and willing shook it in greeting. There was something welcoming about him despite the lack of conversation; opening up a little as soon as Nik stepped outside and offering her a drink. Those eyes ever so slightly sparkling and a small smirk on his lips when she’d downed the glass of scotch; making a comment about being surprised a ‘wee thing like her’ could handle her liquor so well and then pouring her another. Even chuckling a little when she’d commented on his place of residence; modest and simple, a chicken probably a far better roommate than any human she’d ever shared living quarters with.

Things had actually started during the two day stay just outside of Dhaka; a high end hotel that Nik had procured for final team meetings and strategy sessions. Meeting up -by sheer chance and not by plan- at the establishment's bar; sharing both a table out on the patio and pitcher of beer and tray full of tequila shots. There’d also been a kiss. Or, as close to a kiss as you could get. When he’d walked her back to her room and they’d stood in the hallway; slightly inebriated and suddenly somewhat anxious and nervous around each other. Dinner had been casual and comfortable. He’d smiled and even laughed and teased her about being a total enigma; so small and delicate looking despite her time in the Corps and having such a reputation for being tenacious and no nonsense. They had shared stories of growing up in Colorado and Australia and he’d been relatively talkative; either encouraged by her own openness and chattiness or the mixture of the booze he’d consumed and the meds he’d taken. Yet suddenly they were both at a loss for words and things seemed awkward and uncomfortable, and she’d stuttered and stammered while asking him if he’d like to join her inside and then furiously blushing when he’d exactly accepted.

She can still remember what it had felt like; when she’d drunkenly teetered and stumbled when attempting to unlock her door and his arm had curled around her waist to keep her on her feet. His body had been warm and solid against hers; breath hot and moist on the back of her neck. His eyes had been locked on hers when she turned to face him, heart hammering in her chest as he leaned in to kiss her. It had been a long time since she’d been with a man. Even something so simple as a kiss. And it had been even longer since she’d wanted someone that badly; physically aching and desperate to feel his hands and his mouth on her.

But it had never happened. In a brief moment of clarity, he’d backed away. Doing nothing more than pushing her hair behind her ears before backing away.

“I can’t do this,” he’d said. “I can’t do this to you.”

They never spoke of that moment again. Not even when things had crossed that line in Dhaka. It’s been just over twelve years and neither have brought it up. It didn’t matter anymore; the awkwardness they’d felt, the glimmer of life that she’d seen in his eyes, the words that he’d uttered. Things had changed. Drastically. Marriage and children and a somewhat happily ever after.

His free arm slips between her and the mattress. Coming to rest along her collarbone; fingers splayed over the top of her right breast, thumb repeatedly brushing along the hollow of her throat. “You alright?”

Smiling, she pushes her fingers through his and moves their joined hands down to her stomach. “More than alright. You? You okay?”

“I’m good. Is that what you wanted? Did I live up to your expectations?”

“Exceeded them, actually. I continue to be impressed by you. Your track record for incredible sex is almost a hundred percent.”

He raises his head from his pillow. “Almost?”

“You keep forgetting about that time after Kyle’s bachelor party. When you were drunk. When you got off and I didn’t and then had the goddamn gall to pass out. On top of me. Your poor little wife that’s a foot shorter and at that time, over a hundred pounds lighter.”

“Not one of my finer moments,” he agrees, and presses a kiss to her cheek. “I haven’t made up for it? It’s been ten years since that. I haven’t made amends yet?”

“You’re getting there,” she teases, and then yelps and giggles when his teeth sink into her shoulder. “By the way, I think the neighbour knows you’re here.”

“You know what I’m surprised about? That the kids didn’t wake up.”

“Maybe they’ve gotten so used to it, they just sleep through it now.”

“Or maybe they’re hiding under their covers, totally traumatized.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be so good at what you do. Maybe you shouldn’t be the king of multiple orgasms. Screaming ones at that.”

“You’d rather I didn’t get you off at all?”

“Don’t get carried away. We don’t need to go to THAT big of an extreme.”

“We can resort back to a pillow over the face. Or my hand over your mouth.”

“Remember that time in Dhaka? When the people in the next room complained to the manager about the noise? He was so embarrassed; when he came up to our room.”

“I do. And I remember the first time we went to Phuket. I never introduced myself to the people in the next suite, but they seemed to know my first name.”

“They were just jealous. I guess neither of them ever experienced really good sex. And speaking of which; we’re going to have to change the sheets before we go to sleep.”

“You can sleep on that part. That’s YOUR wet spot. On YOUR side of the bed.”

“You’re the one who made it happen. You should be the one to clean up the mess.”

He grins against the nape of her neck. “It’s a good mess though.”

“A very good mess,” she says, and then rolls over to face him; pressing herself tightly against his chest and reaching up to push her fingers through his hair. “You alright?”

“Fine. Why?” He skims her fingertips along the length of her spine; pausing to trace the tattoo that decorates the small of her back before moving back up again. “Didn’t it seem like I was alright? Did I seem like I wasn’t having fun?”

“I can tell something’s wrong. You’re different; during sex. When something is bothering you, you do things differently. Not in a BAD way. Just in a different way. You’re more aggressive. Rougher than usual.”

“You okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No. You never do. It was perfect. YOU were perfect. It was just...different. You were different. I’ve been with you for twelve years. It’s one of the signs I’ve come to recognize; one of the things that change when something is bugging you.”

Tyler grins. “You’re good.”

“Are you going to tell me? What’s going on? You want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” he admits, and then presses a kiss to her forehead before rolling over onto his back.

“I think you should.” Esme slides closer to him, propping herself up onto her elbow. “I think it’s good for you; talking about things that bother you. We’ve learned over the last twelve years, right? That things are better...that WE’RE better...when you don’t keep shit inside.”

Sighing heavily, he runs both hands over his face; wincing at the discomfort in both back and shoulder when he puts his hands behind his head.

“Is that what is? Pain? Did you get hurt? Do you need more meds? Do you…?”

“No pain. Just some tightness. I don’t need any more meds. I’m fine.”

“Did you take them while you were gone? ALL of them?”

“Babe, I’ve been taking them for five years. I wouldn’t fuck it up now.”

“I’m not saying you would. I’m just worried about you. I know something is wrong and I know it’s better for you NOT to keep quiet about it. So tell me. Please. Do your wife a solid and talk to her.”

“Didn’t I just slip you a solid? Twice?”

She scowls. “You know what I mean.”

“It’s nothing. Me. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“I’m sorry, but this is something involving you and I worry about you. Don’t do this, okay? Let’s not get back into old habits. I know you don’t want that. Just like I don’t want it. Tell me. Please.”

He sighs once more, briefly closing his eyes.

“Is it the job?” Gentle fingertips trace the roman numeral tattoo on the front of his right shoulder. “ Did something go wrong? Other than a change in venue?”

“No. Other than that, things went fine.”

“But it IS about the job.”

Tyler nods.

“I’m not a mind reader, babe. I’m good, but I’m not THAT good. Something DID go wrong, didn’t it.”

“No. Nothing went wrong. It’s just...the people...the Marks.”

“They didn’t die or…?”

“Oh they died. You don’t survive a gunshot in the middle of the forehead.”

“So other than the chance of scenery, nothing went wrong and both Marks died but..”

“It’s who they were. Why they had to be killed. Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“I do. Because it’s bothering you and I don’t want you carrying that around. That’s never a good thing; you burying things. So yes. I want to hear it. You didn’t tell me much before you left; just that they were pieces of shit and they needed to be wiped out. Other than that…”

“They were the lowest of the low, Me. You can’t get lower than these guys. And I’ve dealt with some pretty huge pieces of shit. These guys? Worst I’ve ever gone against. By far.”

“Worse than Asif and Mahajan?”

“Considering how personal they made things and what they were going to do to my family, no one is worse than them. But if I take the personal stuff out of it, these guys are up there.”

“That doesn’t sound too promising. I didn’t think anyone could come close to those two.”

“The guns and the drugs? That shit was bad enough. They destroyed a lot of lives; killed a lot of people. But the shit I found AFTER I got there? About these guys? About other things they were up to? It’s fucked, Me. It’s fucked and it’s sick and twisted and I don’t think you need to know about it.”

“Well I think I do. You don’t have to shoulder this alone. It’s better if you don’t. Just tell me. I have big shoulders. Well, maybe not LITERALLY. What did you hear? About them?”

“Babe…”

“Tyler, tell me. Don’t do this. Not if you have plans on getting laid the rest of the time we’re here.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh I would. I’m not afraid to pull out the big guns. So either you tell me, or you suffer. Simple as that.”

“You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“Tell me.” She presses a kiss to his lips. “Please.”

“When I got there and talked to the guy who hired Anil, things got worse. The Marks were even bigger pieces of shit than I thought. They’d both been married a handful of times. And put each one of their wives in the hospital. More than twice. A couple of them even ended up dead. There was never any proof that these guys did it, but…”

“But it’s pretty obvious.”

Tyler nods. “And then I heard about the kids. Not just kids they didn’t know. But kids related to them. Cousins, nieces, nephews. Their OWN kids.”

“Just beaten on them or…?”

“No. Not just beating on them. That’s bad enough. But this?”

“Sexual stuff.”

“Yeah. Sexual stuff.”

“Wow..” she sighs heavily, a fingertip skimming along the chain he wears around his neck. “...that IS the lowest of the low.”

“It just hit home. HARD. Made me think of you and the kids. Made being away from home a lot more difficult. And it was difficult enough already.”

“I’m sorry. That you had to hear all of that. But for it’s worth, I’m glad it’s you that took care of them. Anyone else ran the risk of screwing shit up. At least when you do things, you finish them That’s a bright spot, right? That you DID get to be the one?”

“Yeah, I guess. Just fucked me up. Mentally. Made me think of our kids. I swear to God, Me. If anything like that ever happens to them...if I ever find out that someone has touched them like that? I will fucking lose it. I will snap and I will fuck them up. I will torture them in all the worst ways possible. The most painful ways I know how. And then I’ll kill them. With my bare hands. If anyone ever messes with my kids…”

“Don’t think about that, Tyler. Don’t torture yourself like that. I mean, I think about it too. From time to time. And how I’d go nuts and kill someone. But don’t dwell on it, okay? Because our kids are fine. They’re warm and they're safe in their beds. And they always will be safe as long as you’re around. You know I always say you make me feel safe and protected? Well you do the same for them. You always have. Don’t ever doubt that, okay? They love you and they trust you. And you’re an amazing daddy.”

“I just want them to be safe. That’s all I want. Them safe. YOU safe.”

“And we ARE. Safe. As long as we’re with you, we’re fine. We don’t worry about a damn thing when you’re around. So please…” Esme presses a kiss to his cheek and nuzzles the end of her nose against his ear. “...no more dwelling. You got it out; you talked about it. You don’t need to think about it anymore.”

Running his hand through her hair, he tangles his fingers in the dark tresses and gently pulls her head back; lips covering hers in a long, slow kiss.

“Mmm…” she murmurs into his mouth, then sighs happily when he pulls away. “...that was...nice.”

“That was very nice.”

“You think you have one more in you? I still have some expectations that need to be met.”

“I think I can manage.”

“Good.” She throws her arms around his neck and rolls onto her back, kissing him hungrily as she pulls him down on top of her. Nails digging into his skin and her legs wrapping around his waist; ankles locking at the small of his back and a devilish grin playing on her lips when he pulls back to look at her. “Husband, you need to make love to me again.”

He doesn’t need to be told twice.

[heathenclung]

apple blossom :   how does your muse go about expressing or not expressing their sexuality ?

grey - he’s kinda restrained about it, honestly?? like he isn’t the type to be going out on the weekend looking for hookups, so his sexuality only really comes into play when he’s pursuing a relationship or in a relationship bc then he feels comfortable enough to express it

lyle - through his job, to a degree. i mean, mans dances around in sparkly booty shorts for a living, so he does sort of exude sexuality. naturally he’s not quite as outgoing as his vibes would suggest, so he’s more of a follower than a leader when it comes to initiating anything sexual w someone; he simply doesn’t want to get his hopes up for anything and then have someone turn around and say that they only wanted him for sex, u feel?

mikey - he’s never been terribly open about being bi??? like, growing up it just wasn’t really a thing he ever thought about or allowed himself to accept about himself. he had a girlfriend, and that was all he really cared about. he only rarely actively pursues people in relationships, and even then, he’s more active about it if he’s trying to woo a woman than a man.

tanner - tanner woke up one day and said ‘i’m hot as hell so i’m gonna fuck anything that moves and everyone’s just gonna have to deal with that’ so, uh... good luck avoiding knowing everything about the man’s sex life

@flawedhearts​ said: Apple Blossom, Carnation, Ivy // Greyson, Lyle, Mikey + Tanner |  meme (accepting)

carnation :   what is your muse’s relationship with their gender ?   how do they express or not express this relationship ?

grey - he’s not one of the ‘i’m a man and therefore i can’t enjoy femininity or androgyny’ types, but he knows he’s always going to carry around a bit of ‘do i pass when i act like this/wear this/etc.’ he doesn’t project that onto others, of course, bc he loves the fuck out of the lgbtq+ community and would use his existence as a White Man(tm) to stand up to people who thought they could start shit w his ‘family’

lyle - gender was never really a thing that lyle put much thought into. he keeps to himself enough that he has no issue expressing himself in whatever way he pleases, but he’s also very, very acutely aware that any deviation from ‘generic white twink’ in his expression is liable to draw attention to himself, so it’s not really something he ever explores outside of work

mikey - it’s the toxic masculinity, innit. he’s definitely got a lot of internalized issues re: his manhood thanks to his upbringing and the career path he took. for the most part he’s pretty stoic and tries to play the ‘brave soldier man’ role in life, but again, gender isn’t really something that mikey puts much thought into

tanner - since coming out and transitioning there’s definitely been a change in how tanner treats his gender and its expression; he was never really all that feminine, and that hasn’t really changed. it’s opened up a comfort in expressing his sexuality, though, and he embraces that with open arms, even if it makes him an irritating fuckboy

ivy : what are your muse’s views on marriage ?   do they believe it is something strictly for love ,   or an institution rooted in business   &   social benefits ?   do they desire or have they desired to be married ?

grey - safe to say that grey doesn’t really care about marriage. there’s definitely a part of him that would be absolutely thrilled that someone wanted to marry him and call themselves his partner ‘til death do them part, but he doesn’t view it as the pinnacle of love, or anything like that. much like valentine’s day, he thinks it’s just a bit too commercialized and a bit too much of a heterosexual institution to be worth anything as a ceremony alone

lyle - it’s a big fat no from lyle. commitment is bad enough for him without there being a signed document and rings and being one under god, and all that sort of thing. the idea of marriage makes him anxious, and he doesn’t hold any more respect for a couple that is married than he would a couple who were simply together without the ‘eternal bond’. at best, it’s a meaningless ceremony; at worst, it’s the thing he’s most scared of in life.

mikey - there’s a bit of traditionalism in mikey that would love to be married. a church, a minister, a big old ceremony. there’s another part of him that doesn’t think he could ever get married, that the idea of dedicating himself to another person seems wrong when a piece of his heart still belongs to his late gf. add in the fact that his family is a bit...... fractured, and he doesn’t hold out much hope in ever having a wedding himself

tanner - the idea of marriage honestly hasn’t ever crossed tanner’s mind. he’s still young and he’s still playing the field, so the prospect of standing at the altar seems so far in the future that, at best, the concept only features as a joke between himself and his friends

[awryen-nyx]

Varian Faceclaims

Alright. So...I know everyone has their preferences for who would be an amazing Varian, so...I thought I’d look at who I see picked the most for him, including my own.

1) The main one seems to be Henry Cavill. And for good reason!! He’s played royalty before and he’s played that gruff, long haired fantasy underdog. He’s played plenty of other rolls which can add to the whole idea of him as Varian and I find this one very very hard to ignore or refute. Also, just look at him in that Mission Impossible film. Jaysus!!!

Needless to say, IF we ever get Varian’s story on screen outside of the game (preferably on tv as opposed to film), I would not be at all annoyed or disappointed if they chose him.

2) Jason Momoa, at least for a while there, seemed to be number 2. And also, for good reason. I know Varian’s skin color tends to be...all over the place (comics, game, tiny!varian in the film, even in fanart), but I usually tend to see him expressed with a tanner color to his skin. So, Momoa fits this. He ALSO very much fits that Lo’gosh aesthetic since he tends to keep his hair long. He may not have been in the best of films, but that battle ready thing he does in Conan and Aquaman? Oooooooh yeah. Once again, I wouldn’t object, but I think I would be slightly disappointed. Oh well.

3) Viggo Mortensen has popped up A LOT, especially clips and gifs from LotR being used so much for face claims and...well, he’s not built quite the way I tend to picture Varian (my art skills in trying to portray that not withstanding *shrugs*), but he does very much pull off the regallity (RotK) and also that raw fighting energy (that fight at the of FotR and a few of the fights in TTT). Plus....GOD does he have a JAWLINE and those BLUE. BLUE EYES. I think he pulls that off a bit more than even Cavill.

So, once again, I wouldn’t be disappointed. But, I wouldn’t count on him being chosen anyway. Cause, let’s face it, Viggo is two decades too late to really pull off Varian. Viggo was the perfect age to play him back when he was filming the LotR films, now...*shrugs sadly*

4) My own personal face claim is Sebastian Stan (and this is because i LOVE seb stan, so this is literally just personal preference for REASONS *waggles eyebrows*). That man, when he has to beef up for a role, works. Now, I know that’s a rather...unrealistic take (though most of these actors have done that for rolls, unfortunately), but he’s...*chef’s kiss* He’s a little less beefy compared to Cavill which I kind of headcanon for Varian anyway. Obviously, he’s not got a straight up lean athletic build, but he’s not like...Geralt. At least not for me. I dunno. They come across slightly different.

But anywho, it’s mostly his face. Once again, it’s the eyes and that jawline. It’s softer than Cavill’s, but no less prominent and when in full Winter Soldier Mode...fuck, reminds me so much of Lo’gosh.

The only downside is that Stan has a softer voice. It’s not as deep. And, let’s face it, Varian’s voice gets deep. *thinks about that HotS voice line video and drools*

Now let’s get to who is most likely to be chosen.

Honestly? It’d be Henry Cavill. He’s got the presence for Lo’gosh AND Varian, he’s got the build even if he’s just a TAD too tall (for my headcanon anyway), and since he’s already played Geralt, well...yeah. Plus, he plays WoW. The man would be familiar with the story. He’s a no brainer.

Second bet would be Momoa, for similar reasons and poor Seb Stan would more than likely not be considered, even if I would go balistic if he was.

Viggo just wouldn’t be looked at these days because the man is getting up there. At least the other actors are within age range to play Varian, though Momoa is the oldest (and i believe varian died at what...age 45? momoa is 41).

Anywho, this is an incoherant mess and I just wanted to post my thoughts.

Cheers!!

(it’s late at night and i am bored and trying to figure out if i wanna play swtor, read through the rest of wayhaven chronicles (again), poke around in wow, or draw. so...i’m musing instead :V)

[aaronhart93-archive]

discord II text Roman & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @romanbeckett​

Mentions: @davieslandon​ @malakhai-ozera​ @jayceelynd​ @alison-haynes​

Where: Aaron is at his house and Roman is at his house.

When: evening of May 26th-monrning of May 27th, 11:30p-2:30a

Description: Roman texts Aaron and they talk all night until they both fall asleep

Trigger Warnings: smut, what I would imagine harry’s peen to look like, really cute shit

Roman.

Hey.

Aaron.

hi

Roman.

Khai broke up with me, so. With us.

with Jay and I. And he left.

Aaron.

oh my god...im sorry Ro

Roman.

Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.

Aaron.

what did he say? Like why...?

Roman.

He told us that he loved us but needed time to work on himself or whatever.

Aaron.

I don’t know Khai that well but it does seem like he’s got a lot of shit to figure out

how are you doing with it?

and jayc? Should I reach out to her or....does she not know we’re talking

Roman.

you can talk to her if you want. I think we both just don’t really know how to feel to be honest.

Aaron.

im sorry

i hope he's okay

and i hope you and Jayc are okay too

Roman.

don’t be lol honestly Aaron, I set myself up for it the second I agreed to close myself off, knowing all of the issues I need to work through as well

contrary to popular belief, I’m far from having it all figured out.

Aaron.

that makes two of us

that was quick tbh

Roman.

Yeah. I just feel like an idiot.

Aaron.

what no....thats not what i meant

Roman.

anyway.

how are you

Aaron.

okay....no please dont feel like an idiot. its his fault not yours

im....okay....getting better than i was last week

miss you though not gonna lie

Roman.

I miss you, too. A lot.

Aaron

:(

im sorry

idk why i am i just feel like i need to apologize

Roman.

you have nothing to be sorry for lol at all

if anything, I’m sorry.

for bringing you into all this drama

and making you eat at a Chinese buffet lol

Aaron.

making me eat at a Chinese buffet is the only thing you have to be sorry for

also

i inserted myself into this mess as well. and didn't pull out once i realized who you were to landon

Roman.

does it make me immature if I laugh at you saying you didn’t pull out once?

Aaron.

RO

YES BUT IM HERE FOR IT

Roman.

I might just be high, but now I can’t stop laughing lol

Aaron.

sksjks

im sober and laughing so

well not sober

i had a few drinks

Roman.

everyone knows you’re a lightweight Aaron, stop tryin’ to be sly lol

Aaron.

who you callin a lightweight, lightweight?

Roman.

only when I haven’t eaten anything LIGHTWEIGHT

Aaron.

https://tenor.com/view/uncalled-gif-5394176

michelle tanner voice

Roman.

You miss me. Just a reminder.

Aaron.

you miss me

another reminder

Roman.

I’m not the one calling you rude lol

Aaron.

you called me out for being a lightweight and i retaliated

forgive me

Roman.

you’re in denial is what you are :fingerguns2:

but I’ll forgive you.

Aaron.

idk you'd think for how much i drink i'd have a higher tolerance

i need therapy

Roman.

probably lol I’ll go with you

Aaron.

lol couples counseling?

jk

jk

Roman.

I actually think it would be quite funny to see what they have to say about US

Aaron.

i need a therapist to tell it like it is

then again i do have ali

that woman calls me out on my shit literally daily

maybe shes just a free therapist

Roman.

LMAO that’s...amazing. I like her already.

Aaron.

she do be driving me up a wall

but

shes family

Roman.

Ah, family. I’ve been trying to get my sister here, but she’s being an ass lol

Aaron.

asshat

who wouldn’t want to move to New York

Roman.

satans demons.

Aaron.

exactly

whats keeping her from coming?

Roman.

she’s not as hellbent on big cities as I am lol

Aaron.

weird

city life has always been for me

arent you from manchester? is that not a big city?

Roman.

it’s not New York lol

she lives in the country now though.

Aaron.

no city is new york

Roman.

exactly lol

Aaron.

what are you doing

besides getting high

Roman.

I’m naked on the couch eating cherry gilato while watching good mythical morning on YouTube

Aaron.

i would very much like to be naked on a couch with you

Roman.

I painted my nails and did a facial first lol i could do yours as well

Aaron.

ill take the facial

i couldn't pull off the nails though

Roman.

you’d look so kickass with some black nails

Aaron.

you think?

Roman.

hell yes. Even a sky blue, like those eyes

Aaron.

i blush

maybe we can try the toe nails first

in case I end up hating them

Roman.

OH, I’m also trained in Swedish massage, head to toe. If you want a personal spa day

Aaron.

that would just give me a boner

Roman.

well, it’s a FULL body massage after all.

Aaron.

sksjsks

dont tempt me

Roman.

Aaron. I just.

is it bad that I don’t want to stay away from you anymore?

that’s a dumb question

I know it’s bad.

Aaron.

its not dumb

I don’t want to stay away from you either

but I promised Landon

Roman.

I know. So did I.

You’re right, I’m sorry.

Aaron.

he’s my best friend

dont be sorry

im glad you’re being honest with me

I just don’t see Landon being okay with this anytime soon

Roman.

I know! I know. He’s mine too, and I care about him more than I care to admit. I shouldn’t be like this.

Aaron.

damn this is fucked up

Roman.

I shouldn’t have said anything

Aaron.

I wish this could be easier

im the one that started with the boner references

Roman.

Not really. I offered you a massage

Aaron.

okay yes but

I told you I wanted to be naked with you

Roman.

because I said I was naked

Aaron.

I just don’t want you blaming yourself that’s all

Roman.

I know, but it is what it is. I made a mess of everything, and now everything I had is ruined lol I deserve it.

Aaron.

Ro

I’m sad you think so little of yourself

Roman.

I don’t. It’s just consequences. I made bad decisions, and now I have to deal with the consequences. That’s all. It’ll all be okay.

Aaron.

I wish I could make you feel better

Roman.

you already do. I promise.

Aaron.

I just smiled

Roman.

show me?

Aaron.

sure

Roman.

omg bad idea my heart

Aaron.

oop

Roman.

you’re so fucking jahshsbzjdndjendj

Aaron.

AKDJDJAKALhdja

Roman.

I’m mad at you

for looking like that

Aaron.

Well i can’t stop thinking about u

Roman.

let me just

Aaron.

yeah I kept drinking

and as we’ve established I’m a lightweight

okay I showed you a selfie now you should be a selfie

Roman.

oh yeah? Trying to boss me around again are ya?

Aaron.

do what daddy says

Roman.BOTToday at 2:02 AM

yes daddy.

Aaron.

brb gotta go jack off

Roman.

stoppppp

Aaron.

not kidding

Roman.

you don’t need a better picture than that to do the deed

??? Lolll

Aaron.

I mean....you could send me some

Roman.BOTToday at 2:09 AM

Does this help?

Aaron.

holy fuck

ugh I wanna fuck you so bad

and put all of you in my mouth

Roman.

I want it too. I shouldn’t, but I do. I want you to fuck me with my hands tied behind my back, and you pulling on my collar from behind.

Aaron.

fuck don’t put those thoughts in my head or I’ll act up

I wanna tie you up so bad

and punish you for being so naughty

Roman.

I’d want to call out your name so loud, but you’d have to let me.

Aaron.

you can’t do anything without my permission

Roman.

I’ll do my best daddy. You know I like to make you proud.

Aaron.

Ro I just came into a sock so hard

I want you so bad but the fact I can’t have you makes that even hotter to me

Roman.

forbidden fruit, hm?

Aaron.

you’re my forbidden fruit for sure

Roman.

wish I could have been there to help

Aaron.

you did enough helping trust me

Roman.

are we terrible people lol

Aaron.

I know

we are

im trying though

so that’s gotta count for something

Roman.

I hope it does, for both our sakes lol

Aaron.

if this doesn’t work out we can always be together in hell

Roman.

that sounds like a rightful ending

at least I’ll be tan.

Aaron.

we’ll both be hot and tan chilling in hell together

and we can fuck all we want

Roman.

sounds like the next big Netflix series.

Aaron.

could you imagine a Netflix series about us

Roman.

no, I’m scared to lol it would be more insane than Tiger King

Aaron.

you think our lives are more insane than Tiger King?!?

Roman.

scary, right??

Aaron.

thats definitely...quite the comparison

Roman.

I would have loved to have seen your face watching it for the first time

Aaron.

watching that together would have been so fun

I can picture us watching that and freaking out together

Roman.

maybe one night we’ll trip acid and watch it again

Aaron.

confession I’ve never tripped before

Roman.

whaaaaaa

do it with me!

Aaron.

I mean yeah I used to do a lot of coke when I got drunk and sometimes still do but that been the extent of my drug use

hahaha I will trip with you, Roman Beckett

Roman.

aces! Just tell me when and where, and it’s a plan!

Aaron.

”aces”

but yeah let’s do it this weekend

Roman.

I’m British you knob. Shut up lol

Aaron.

I know MATE I was making fun of you

Roman.

sends long audio clip making fun of Aaron’s New York accent

Aaron

brooooo

I do say that though

Roman.

I know, I’ve listened to you talk enough

it’s cute though

ready for bed?

Aaron.

just about

I was gonna go to bed a while ago but wanted to keep texting you

Roman.

same.

tuck me in lol

Aaron.

do u want me to tell you a bedtime story

Roman.

yes, but make it snappy

and I want warm milk

Aaron.

damn

so bossy

but okay

Roman.

you know I’m spoiled.

Aaron.

that must’ve been my fault

okay Des like this one:

By the African river, know as the Nile The sun fell away and it rested a while The rhinos had braved all the smoldering heat They lay down to sleep as they wiped off their feet The elephants marched to their elephant beds And gently they rested their elephant heads Slowly the hippos sank into the river The water so cold that it gave them a shiver (Hippos can't swim, like the pelicans think They also can't float, they could easily sink) The hippos went bathing in cool, shallow pools Thinking the rhinos and elephants fools Underwater, they fell to the soft river bed On darkish green plants with a smidgen of red They strolled on the bottom, then bounced up for air They did it for hours, without any care The fish followed closely, and wove in an out Under their belly, and up to their snout Each of the hippos came up to the shore To feed on the grass by the river once more They dried off their bodies by shaking and stomping And took bites of grass, chewing and chomping With night fading fast, they were full from the feast The sun returned back, rising up form the east The hippos crept off to collapse for the day While rhinos and elephants got up to play Enjoying the warmth of the sun and its light Never knowing the story of hippos at night

just read it in my New York accent you’re so good at

goodnight Lois

Roman.

that was perfect. Goodnight Clark.

[exyjunkies]

when all else fails

Read on AO3 - An afternoon in which Joe and Ox spend time to make up for the time they’ve lost, because they never got to be young and in love. 2.4k.

Muting his bonds always made Ox feel uneasy. He knew it was an Alpha thing, and that his worry was more rooted in instinct than it was in logic. Even though he was still in Green Creek, they (packpackpack) felt so far away, and the clear afternoon sky did almost nothing to appease his anxiety.

“You two need to get out of here,” Gordo’s sentiment this morning rang through his mind, equal parts scolding and concerned. Mark was beside him, on the couch, reading the newspaper. One of Gordo’s feet was up on Mark’s lap.

Joe, on his reclining armchair, had almost growled in reply, if it hadn’t been for Elizabeth putting a hand on his shoulder and saying, “Take some time away from here. We can hold down the fort for one measly afternoon.”

Ox and Joe had looked at each other, both unsure about leaving their pack behind, even more so about the concept of ‘alone time’.

More specifically, the kind of alone time that included them leaving the house.

Jessie had done a thumbs up, and Chris, coming into the room with a mug of coffee, had said, “Wouldn’t be such a bad idea, dude. We’ll be fine.”

After several agreements from the rest of the pack, as well as Rico’s lighthearted, “Yeah, hermano, when was the last time you guys banged without us listening?”, Ox did several check-ups on his pack, trying to find one reason why he and Joe would have to stay home. Maybe Jessie needed help with checking students’ homework. Maybe the timber wolf needed to be told to get off of Carter’s back, restless and needy. Maybe Tanner needed help with that sedan in the shop. Maybe Elizabeth could use an extra hand in preparing dinner. 

But with everyone wanting for them to take a break, he had found none. Ox had spent around ten minutes on the front porch waiting for Joe, only to see Joe being actively shoved out the door by Carter.

“Just leave for a bit, bro,” Carter had grunted, and Joe had a scowl on his face. “You’re too much of a worrywart.”

The timber wolf was beside Carter, growling at whatever made Carter agitated. Carter had jutted his chin out at Joe. “Yeah, stupid mutt, help me get my brother outta here.”

It was entertaining to watch, really. After the both of them had been kicked out of the house, Ox had sighed, and Joe closed his eyes to mute his bonds. It had taken a couple miles away from the house for Ox to do the same.

“Thinking about them too?” Joe asked, moving his thumb against Ox’s.

They were in one of the many clearings of their forest, hands intertwined and backs against the soft green grass. The magic of the place thrummed against their bodies - it came in short, fast ripples, or long, continuous waves. A lady bug sat quietly on the back of Ox’s other hand, and Ox kept that hand on his stomach.

“It’s hard not to.”

“I know. But Mom did say not to worry.” Ox closed his eyes. He breathed in, and the air smelled like fresh mint and coconut. It even sounded like there was slow-going music in between the sounds of nature.

“Joe.”

“Yeah?”

“You know I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Right?” And Ox felt Joe shift to look at him, even as his eyes were closed. Their heartbeats were one - Joe’s a deep, constant thumping of a born werewolf, and Ox’s a slightly softer, more human back-and-forth that moved in between each of Joe’s heartbeats.

“Well, I know I’d change a few things,” murmured Joe, moving to nuzzle Ox’s neck. His nose was against Ox’s claim mark. “We could’ve had so much time.”

Ox thought his chest would tighten at the subtle reminder, but all he felt was a pulsing green. He was done mourning what they’d lost a long time ago. Zen Alpha internalization and all.

“Maybe it was time we needed to lose. You know. To get here.”

In response, Joe hummed against his neck, and put a soft kiss to Ox’s jaw.

Then, “I have a question.”

Ox opened one eye to look at Joe. “Yeah?”

“Do you ever wonder? About if we hadn’t met that day?”

A ten-year-old boy had once been around his neck, sniffing as much as he could anywhere and everywhere. Joe was a happy mess of youth and noise, and it off-set all the other days Ox went home. Ox remembered feeling overwhelmed - how could a kid be this fascinated by him? By someone like him? He wasn’t—

“Stop that,” Joe muttered, a small growl in the back of his throat. “You are everything.”

“Smooth move with the mind-reading, Joe,” Ox replied, rolling his eyes. The anger didn't faze him one bit. Fucking Alphas.

He himself was an Alpha, but still. Fucking Alphas.

“Yeah, yeah,” Joe rolled his head back down on the grass. Ox felt the red drain out of him as quickly as it came. “Mates, remember?”

"And to answer your question," Ox continued, letting go of Joe's hand. He moved his other hand to let the ladybug down on the grass gently, before moving to prop himself up on one hand. "Life would've been so different if I hadn't met you that day."

Joe was looking up at him, one hand behind his head. He had let his hair grow longer than usual, and Ox didn't have to tell him he loved it.

"God. You were sixteen, Ox." Joe smiled softly, something he hadn't done in days, and Ox wanted to bottle it up and keep it.

"I would've become some everyday guy, working the garage, even after graduation." Ox shrugged. "I didn't really have any of those fancy, out-of-this-world dreams kids usually had."

"Mm. You would’ve been a great human. Head of Gordo’s. Big ol’ boss man that didn’t let anyone get in his way.”

“Damn right. And you would’ve been... Alpha of all. Up and away from here. Probably mated to someone else. Where would you be stationed?”

“Somewhere far from here. I don’t know. Dad never told me. Also, ha. Alpha of all that couldn’t speak for shit?” Joe shrugged. He took Ox’s free hand and dragged it across his belly, his fingers feeling the calluses on Ox’s fingers. “I wouldn’t have been appointed.”

“Then some other person would’ve helped you find the reason to speak again,” Ox murmured, looking down at their hands, aimlessly tangling and untangling.

“No offense to Hypothetical Mate of Mine, but they’re not you.”

Ox tamed the grin his face was about to give out, and went for a scoff. “Sap.”

“I told you. Candy canes and pinecones. Epic—”

“—and awesome. Yeah, Joe,” and Ox felt it then, a sudden rush of warmth, spreading throughout his chest. Maybe it was the cheesiness of this moment. Maybe it was the rush of emotions coming from Joe. Maybe it was happiness. He didn’t know. But it felt amazing anyway.

He leaned down and touched his forehead to Joe. “Thank Christ we found each other.”

PackLoveMateMineMineMine sounded through Ox’s mind, and, slowly, Ox intertwined their hands together. Joe leaned up to peck Ox on the mouth, short and sweet.

And then, even in the deep ease of the moment. Ox felt it.

There was rustling, somewhere between the trees. It was faint, but Ox heard it, along with the slight crunch of leaves. A single branch snapped, presumably because it was stepped on. Ox's jaw clenched.

And yet Joe remained calm as ever. Ox was slightly confused. “Did you hear that, Joe?” he said, a warning lining his words.

“Of course I did, Ox. We have the same senses.”

"Anything you’re not telling me?” Ox was already sitting up, his hand still in Joe’s, sniffing the air. There were around four, five heartbeats other than theirs.

He wasn’t counting on having to do it now, but Ox was ready to wolf out whenever he had to.

"It's not anything bad, you know," Joe replied, but Ox really wasn't ready to have his day turned inside out by some goddamn—

And then Ox heard the first few notes of a song. Instruments he hadn’t heard live in months. The music felt like the hug of a warm cotton blanket, like the comfort of a cup of hot coffee. It was almost as loud as how an orchestra would be, except Ox knew it was his hearing that emphasized each note. It was soothing, and it flowed through their surroundings, as if it belonged there all along.

Ox... wasn’t super into music. But with his wolf senses, he could tell apart the sounds. And for the lack of other words to describe them, he found them beautiful. A strings of a guitar, a bow on a violin, and then a flute, working together and weaving a melody that made Ox’s heart stutter. The birds in the sky went to perch on tree branches, cocking their heads and doing tiny hops.

“Joe, oh my God—”

“I was going to write you some long ass letter,” Joe said, sitting up too, and his gaze was forward. He blinked once, then looked down. As if he was nervous. “But I’m not exactly like Dad, you know. When it came to words. Between the both of us, he was always the one better at verbalizing thoughts. Hell, I've stopped talking to people for months on end. But then, ever since I met you, I never stopped wanting to say... something. There was always something that I wanted you to know. The words always got stuck on my tongue, and I always promised myself that I was going to try and tell you later on, but... well. Life got in the way. But even after we mated, I never stopped feeling the things that went unsaid.

"Remember when I asked Maggie's permission to court you?" Joe asked, and Ox felt his cheeks warm up a bit. "The paper that I was holding had this entire poem, copied out from Dad's favorite poetry book. I was supposed to read it after the entire confession, which he had helped me with too. But then I got a little carried away. Haha. Poetry was never really my style anyway."

Joe let go of Ox's hand, and pulled himself up on one leg to stand up. He dusted off his jeans with both hands, and looked in the direction of the hidden musicians. 

"A few of your Omegas were for the idea of us taking a break, and agreed to help with surprising you," Joe said, and Ox wasn't fighting his smile now, and was instead letting it spread all across his face. Joe reached out with one hand, eyes blue and fierce, calmness and passion radiating off of him in waves.

His gaze said let us have this, and it was a lot for Ox to take in.

Ox took his hand, and let out a surprised laugh as Joe pulled him upright all too suddenly. He bumped into Joe's chest, and Joe went "Woops," before he stepped back a bit and put both hands on Ox's shoulders.

"Do you even know how to dance, Joe—"

"Uh, you rock back and forth on both feet, and you follow the music. What's so hard about that?"

Laughing softly, Ox placed his hands on Joe's hips, and moved closer. Joe put both arms around Ox's neck, and closed his eyes. Above them, the sky started to show the signs of an early night. The music seemed to be holding them in its gentle hands, and leading the way for the both of them.

For once, both Alphas were not in the position to lead, nor did they feel like they needed to be. It was a change of pace that Ox hadn't had in a while, ever since he became an Alpha.

"So," Ox mumbled in Joe's ear, slowly wrapping his arms around Joe's waist. "this is nice."

"Like hell it should be," Joe replied, and Ox felt him push back on their bond, filling it with everything that he felt.

The music lilted against the knowing sounds of the forest, and the harmony was a lot richer than when it was just the instruments. Birds cheerily chirped along to the beat. Whistles of the wind went along with the tune of the flute. And Joe, head slightly crooked into Ox's neck, was more at peace than he was in months.

"You're not so bad on your feet," Joe commented, breath warm against Ox's neck.

"Someone has to hold you up."

And Joe smiled, taking it for what it was, not as an insult. Ox looked up, and saw the sun setting, kind and orange-red. It was nearly time for the both of them to head back. And when they did come back, they'd be greeted on the road by Team Human. Maybe some teasing from Rico, definitely a fist bump from Carter and eyebrow waggling from Kelly. Robbie would be setting the table, and Jessie's head would pop out of the kitchen, yelling for someone to help her and Elizabeth with the potatoes.

They would be coming back to their family. They would be coming home.

"I love you," Joe said, lifting his head to look Ox in the eye. A flash of red briefly passed through his eyes. "For holding me up."

And because Ox was never good with words, because he sometimes felt dumb and said stupid things, he kissed Joe in reply. He hoped he'd be able to say back everything he wanted to. He hoped it was enough.

But nothing ever really was. They were two Alphas - two beings that never knew when the world stopped, or if it ever ended at all. And they were always going to keep going, always going to go up against what needed to be pushed or prodded. Pack was important. This place and this magic was important. What they had between each other was important. But ever since he met the ten-year-old boy on the road, Ox somehow already knew his life was always, always going to be more.

Ox didn't know exactly what this more was, but with Joe, he was absolutely willing to continue finding out.

He pulled back, and put his forehead against Joe's. "I would never want to live my life doing anything else," Ox murmured, because he needed to say it. Because it was true.

And because for now, that would have to be enough.

[ahmuteun]

1-140 :)

I switched the format to bullets cause numbers were annoying to deal with lol sorry

3 Fears 

not graduating on time/ failing

idk i dont have many fears

3 things I love

my dog

my family

my friends

2 turns on

im not gonna include being attractive cause that feels like a given so sense of humor

plays piano or guitar

2 turn offs

being an asshole

bad hygine 

My best friend

cat and jen

Sexual orientation

bi

How tall am I

5′2

What do I miss right now

idk no one really cause i got to see my family today and i just got back from seeing jen

i guess jacob and tim?

Favourite color

blue!! :D

Do I have a crush

lmfao no

Favourite place

my college town

What am I listening to right now

a lets play lol

Shoe size

7 or 6.5 depending

Eye color

brown

Hair color

black/ dark brown

Meaning behind my URL

alliteration lol

Favourite song

i have too many

Favourite band

shinee? i dont really know lately

How I feel right now

sleepy lmao

Someone I love

my brothers and mom

My current relationship status

hoe lmao

My relationship with my parents

good with one and not so good with the other

Favourite season

fall or spring

Tattoos and piercing i have

tattoo on my forearm and one piercing on each ear

Tattoos and piercing i want

tattoos: theres a few lol

piercings: none

The reasons I joined Tumblr

because it looked like fun and for fandoms

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

i get goodnight texts/ snaps sometimes 

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

no

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

it depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

yep

Where am I right now?

jaden’s room

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable but sometimes loud

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

i live in my apartment at school but other than that with my momma

Am I excited for anything?

this festival thing next weekend but also lowkey worried for it lmao

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

uhh yeah i do

How often do I wear a fake smile?

whenever im uncomfortable i guess

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

someone who will pay off my tuition and loans

What do I think about most?

freaking out drama stuff i guess?

although thats mainy just been these past few weeks

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

i only really like being in front aslong as it’s with other people

What was the last lie I told?

ummm probably something about my drinking or “love life” to my family

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i dont mind either but probably phone call so i dont have to worry about what i look like

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

lol ghosts, oh the irony

but yes to both

Do I believe in magic?

nah

Do I believe in luck?

ehhh kind of

What’s the weather like right now?

hot as balls and im not here for it

What was the last book I’ve read?

im reading the simpsons and their mathematical secret rn and i like it a lot

Do I have any nicknames?

way too many lmao

Do I spend money or save it?

it used to be save but as of lately ive been spending way too much money sooooooooooo lol fuck me

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope

Favourite animal?

my doggo

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to jen

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

idk twice songs i guess??

What is my favorite word?

i dont have one

My top 5 blogs on tumblr

idk lol 

everyone i follow, how about that lmao

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

stay hydrated and i take donations

Do I have any relatives in jail?

not to my knowledge

What is my current desktop picture?

isnt it so cute? :D

Had sex?

yeah

Bought condoms?

yeah

Gotten pregnant?

no thank fuck

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

nope

Had job?

yes i had job

Smoked weed?

nope, but my mates want me to smoke with them next weekend

Smoked cigarettes?

nope

Drank alcohol?

yepppp lmfao

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nahh

Been overweight?

not technically

Been underweight?

nah

Gotten my heart broken?

nope

Been to prom?

yep

Been in airplane?

yep

Learned another language?

yep

Wore make up?

almost everyday

Dyed my hair?

nah, i thought about it tho but i bitched out

Had a surgery?

um i mean my wisdom teeth got removed, does that count?

Met someone famous?

yeah i did on two occasions it was dope

Stalked someone on a social network?

i think so? idk

Been fishing?

yeeeee

Been rejected by a crush?

ive never shot my shot nor have i had an actual crush in years so no

What do I want for birthday?

realistically, nothing

Do I like my handwriting?

eh i mean it’s okay but not really

Where do I want to live when older?

idk but i wanna stay on the east coast

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

sneaking out: no cause ive never snuck out, not technically i guess

doing something bad: i mean it depends on your definition of “getting caught” but yes

wait it’s a definite yes lmao whoops

What I’m really bad at

everything probably lol

but specifically lying i guess

What my greatest achievements are

choreographing modern with chris in march and it went really well i was so proud of my dancers

idk if this counts but this past year i partied with some of our schools football players and lydia paek told me that she wants some of my butt so basically i’ve peaked 

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

honestly idk, i probably agreed with them 

What I’d do if I won in a lottery

pay off my loans/ debt

pay off my mom and brothers’ debt

get my mom a house and vacation to the phillipines cause she really wants to go

get my mates gifts

invest

What do I like about myself

uuuuummmmmmmm 

My closest Tumblr friend

idk lol

Any question you’d like?

lol welp

Are you outgoing or shy?

in the middle i guess but probably more on the outgoing side

What kind of people are you attracted to?

attractive people with nice smiles i guess??

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

lmfao god no

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

nah but it depends on the context 

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my mom and brother??

What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“rip”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

eric nam - honestly

amine - heebiejeebies

hyorin - dally

blackpink - ddu du ddu du idk how its spelled

john mayer - new light

hayley kiyoko - what i need

cardi b - i like it

yoon mi rae’s entire gemini 2 album

this is more than five i know but theyre all bops and u should listen to them if you havent already

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes but only if i know them

Do you think there is life on other planets?

yes, even if it’s just bacteria

Do you like bubble baths?

no i actually really dont like baths

Do you like your neighbors?

i dont really know them

Where would you like to travel?

korea/ asia

Favorite part of your daily routine?

talking to my mates

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

which part aren’t i uncomfortable with lmao

What do you do when you wake up?

turn off my alarm or look at my phone usually

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

well my arms got tanner cause i drive with my arm out the window so i wish my arms were lighter so it would match the rest of my body again lol

Do you ever want to get married?

lmfao can we not talk about future commitments?

cause no probably not

If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

do u mean is my hair long enough? cause yes

Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yeah when i was like 12

What are your favorite stores to shop in?

forever21, and h&m probably

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

it depends on the situation

Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

well i mean the cat is already out of the fucking bag for the one thing (well one of the things) i was desperately trying to hide soooooo

Ever wished you were someone else?

when i was younger but not in recent years

Favourite makeup brand?

for foundation i like fenty and tarte

for lipstick smashbox and i also liked kat vond but she is against vaccienes sooooooo

Last thing you ate?

chips lol

Ever won a competition? For what?

idk

Ever been in love?

i thought i was but eehhh i dont know anymore oh well 

Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

Twitter or Tumblr?

i use twitter more so twitter

Are you watching tv right now?

nah

What colour are your towels?

white

Favourite ice cream flavour?

i dont have a favorite

First person you talked to today?

uummmm my mom?

Last person you talked to today?

chris

Name a person you hate?

i dont hate people but im really pissed with justin rn

Name a person you love?

my mom

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

fuCKING JUSTIN

Do you tan a lot?

lmao no

Have any pets?

yes and i love him

Do you type fast?

eh its a moderate speed

Do you regret anything from your past?

lmao yepppp

Ever broken someone’s heart?

oooohhhhhhh boy, yeah kind of....

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no

Is cheating ever okay?

on people, no

Do you believe in true love?

idk

What your zodiac sign?

gemini

Do you believe in ghosts?

i answered this already

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“geeky mathematician with a master’s degree. By contrast, when he” from the simpsons and their mathematical secrets :D

[thetourguidebarbie]

20 min drabble klaroline + swimming lessons

Obviously this was not 20 minutes lol. This is a sequel to the step-sibling drabble from yesterday for @goldcaught and the others who asked. There will be two or three more and I'll probably combine them into a one shot and post on ffnet. This has no smut, but it's definitely suggestive enough to be considered NSFW.

“I still don’t understand why we have to do this,” Elena grumbled, adjusting her ponytail.

“Because it’s the best way to practice after football season,” Caroline replied, trying not to let her irritation with Elena’s attitude take over too obviously. “Do you have better things to do? Should I give Hayley front row instead?”

“No,” Elena said quickly. “That’s fine.”

“Good.”

“And look at it this way, ‘Lena, at least we get to watch shirtless guys dripping with water between routines. I know he’s your irritating brother, Care, but Klaus is hot.”

“Step-brother,” Caroline growled. “I don’t share a single speck of DNA with that jerk.”

Which was good, since they’d snuck into each other’s bedrooms almost every night for two months. The guilt had eaten at her insides the whole time, and she’d ended it the week before when they’d nearly gotten caught. What stung the most about it was that Klaus didn’t fight it. She knew he had feelings for her (and she most definitely reciprocated), but he hadn’t bothered to protest, the only sign of his reaction a brief flash of hurt in his eyes before his face cleared. He’d shrugged, laying back in the bed with the sheet pulled up around his waist and didn’t even look at her as she pulled on her cami and sleep shorts. She’d tried to convince herself that it was better that way, that it would help her get over him faster, but if she was honest with herself, she knew she wanted to be with him, even if it was a terrible idea. She also could recognize that what she’d actually wanted wasn’t really for him to fight for her. She’d wanted reassurance, for him to acknowledge that what they were doing was wrong and impulsive and stupid, but that she was worth it.

And he hadn’t given it.

Still, despite avoiding her at school, he’d still give her appreciative looks when they were at home and she was lounging in her pajamas with her laptop in the living room or bent over the kitchen table with a textbook, and she’d tried her best to restrain herself from returning them.

Instead, she pushed her bed back against the other wall and tried to ignore how much she regretted walking away.

“Whatever,” Katherine said, shrugging. “I have eyes, at least.”

“Yeah, but trust me, you’re wasting your time,” Caroline said, an irrational stab of jealousy hitting her. Sure, she couldn’t let herself have him, but she still thought of him as hers, still held on to the tiny shred of hope that he might make the first move and validate her desire for him. She’d be damned if Kathering fucking Pierce got her claws on him before Caroline let him go for good.

It wasn’t fair or reasonable, but whatever.

“Why?”

“He has a girlfriend,” Caroline said impulsively. “She’s back in the U.K. He’s really into her.”

“Why haven’t I heard about them?”

Caroline swallowed, her mind racing. “When has Klaus ever talked about anything personal?”

“Umm…When he fucked Dana at Lockwood’s party six months ago.”

“That was a rumor.”

“Wow, someone’s defensive.”

“I just don’t want you to get distracted by my dumbass brother during season,” Caroline said, the word ‘brother’ sour on her tongue.

“You don’t have to lie about his love life, Caroline. I get why you’re upset, but I promise that if we break up it won’t ruin our friendship.”

Caroline honestly wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, but she didn’t have the chance as Klaus surfaced from the water to take a break from drills and Katherine marched over.

His hair was sticking to his face, and she longed to trace the drips of water falling down his abs with her tongue, to make him groan as she let her nail run below the waistband of his swimsuit, and she tried not to wish ill on her frenemy, but just watching made her want to claim him, to run her hand down his arm in front of everyone and bask in the warmth of the way he looked at her.

God, she needed a drink. Or something.

She couldn’t resist listening in as Katherine stopped in front of him, slightly reassured by the complete ambivalence he exuded when she asked him if he wanted to go to dinner later that week. His eyes seemed to naturally find hers, and she flushed, looking away, though she let herself peek at him out of the corner of her lashes, and his lips twitched before he turned back to Katherine. “No,” he said firmly, grabbing a nearby towel from the stack and rubbing his hair and face with it.

“Caroline said you had a girlfriend. Is that why?”

“Did she?” Klaus asked, his lips twitching as he slung the fabric over his shoulder.

“I thought she was lying,” Katherine said triumphantly, and Caroline felt a stab of nervousness as Klaus seemed to consider whether to respond.

“It was supposed to be a secret,” he finally said, his voice deceptively light, his gaze darting towards her again before his lips twitched. “She’s a jealous little thing. Clever. Ruthless. I advise you don’t get mixed up with her, Katerina.”

“She sounds like a piece of work.”

“Careful, Katerina,” he whispered, his eyes flashing. “I do not take well to insults to the few people whom I care for.”

Caroline bit her lip, her heart soaring at his words, and she smiled slightly when their eyes met, but he didn’t return it, instead giving her a calculating glance before chugging a bottle of water and turning around when Coach Tanner called for him to get back to drills.

She lingered after practice, and when he came out she asked if she could have a ride home, knowing that she was being about as subtle as Rebekah did when she wanted specific birthday presents, and Klaus nodded, gesturing to the parking lot. They walked in silence until they got into the car, Klaus turning to her once they had their seatbelts on, not starting the ignition.

“I wasn’t aware that I was in a relationship,” he said abruptly, no humor present in his voice. “Care to explain, love?”

“Kat’s the literal worst. You don’t want to bother.”

“Are you a mind reader?” he asked dryly. “I had no idea that you could tell what my desires were without exchanging a single word with me in the past two weeks.”

“I…I just—”

“You were jealous,” he finished, and her shoulders slumped.

“A little, yeah.”

“Well then, I suppose you have a choice, don’t you? You said you didn’t want me, yet it’s clear that you don’t want me to be with anyone else. You can’t have it both ways, sweetheart.”

“I thought I didn’t get to choose what you wanted for you.”

“I already chose you. I made that clear.”

“What? No you didn’t. You just like, let me walk out on you—”

“Let you?” he asked, his chuckle a bit too hollow to carry any real amusement. “It’s always been your choice, Caroline. You left. That was all you and your insecurities.”

“I didn’t want to.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because this…what we have…this is wrong, Klaus. If our parents ever found out—”

“Then they won’t. Not until we’re both legal adults, and then they’ll just have to get over themselves.”

“You’re already thinking that far ahead, huh?”

“Weren’t you?”

There was a slight undercurrent of confusion in his voice, of hurt, and she laid her hand on top of his on the gear shift, turning to look at him fully.

Klaus had seemed eternally unflappable, his emotions only pulling through his facade when he lost his temper or his control, and she was surprised that he was being so open with her, even though she desperately wanted his honesty now that he’d freely given it.

“Yeah,” she said, letting out a shaky laugh. “I made a ton of plans. Unrealistic ones, obviously, bit—”

“Unrealistic?”

“You know… life plans. Like, going to college in the same city and living together and stuff.”

“Those are all doable,” he said, and she was weirdly thrilled that he was taking what she considered to be childish fantasies completely seriously, that he’d thought about what being with her might mean.

Sure, it could be high school sweetheart puppy love, but something already told her that this could be epic.

“Great,” she said, giving the area around them a quick glance before pecking him on the lips, and he immediately, deepened the kiss, his fingers winding through hers as his other hand cupped her neck.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been so weird about this. It wasn’t fair to you.”

“It was worth it for the end result,” he said before giving her a smug, dimpled grin. “I must admit that it was also satisfying to watch you pine after me at practice.”

“I wasn’t pining. I just have eyes, okay?”

“If you say so, love.”

“No, seriously!”

“Perhaps one day I’ll let you fulfill those filthy thoughts I can see running through your mind, hmm?”

She scoffed. “Oh please, like you don’t have a thing for my cheerleading outfit.”

“Wearing our respective uniforms isn’t mutually exclusive.”

She let her mind wander to the fantasy of him leaning against a pillar under the bleachers as she peeled the tight fabric of his suit down with her teeth before she took him in her mouth, his fist wound in her ponytail, her skirt hiked around her waist, uniform shorts nowhere to be found, and felt her core clench.

“Someday,” she said, her voice a little breathless, and his smile was infuriatingly smug, as though he knew exactly where her mind went (and it probably did.

They caught up on the last few weeks as they drove home, Klaus indulgently listening to Caroline’s complaints about Elena’s lack of commitment to the squad, and how extracurriculars only counted on college applications if you actually participated, and he gave her a few ideas on how she could fix that, none of which she felt justified in doing.

“I can’t accidentally drop her, Klaus,” she said for the third time as he parked in the front of the house.

“Why not? Just move slightly out of position and apologize profusely. Problem solved.”

“But I can’t be out of position! I’m the captain, and I lose my authority if I fuck up.”

“You have to stop caring so much what people think of you, sweetheart,” he said, and she felt like he was talking about more than Elena’s cheering incompetence.

“I know, but it’s hard,” she said, unlocking the door, and he reached out to cover her hand with his before she could turn the knob.

“Tonight?” he whispered, his hot breath on her ear sending a shiver of anticipation down her spine. “I’ve missed you.”

“Sure. Me too.”

She pushed the door open, stopping in the front hall when Mikael strode out of the back office, her body naturally moving in front of Klaus’s as though she could protect him.

“Hi Mikael,” she said, putting on her best customer service smile, and he grunted, glancing at Klaus over her shoulder before speaking.

“Your mother wants the whole family to go out for dinner,” he said, nodding at Caroline, and she could practically feel Klaus’s discomfort behind her when Mikael pointedly ignored him.

“Okay. We’ll get ready,” Caroline said with a saccharine smile.

Klaus followed her upstairs, and before she could go past his room to hers, he grabbed her arm, spinning her around so that their noses were only an inch apart. “Wear a skirt for me,” he whispered, letting his fingers play with the hem of her cheer skirt. “Or one of those pretty sundresses you favor. You can make the past two weeks of silence up to me by giving me something exciting to do during dinner, hmm?”

She felt arousal build in her lower belly just from his words, knew a flush was creeping up her cheeks, but she nodded.

She showered and dressed, zipping up her sundress and debating with herself before foregoing her panties, knowing her forethought would turn Klaus on all the more.

Everything about their relationship was so wrong, but she couldn’t resist when being with him felt so right.

[kateofthecanals]

For The (Not)Watch: Episode 7.3

The Queen’s Nap Time

Guys, remember after Season 5 ended, all the showpologists came out in full force to declare S5 superior to Feastdance because those 2 books are too “slow” and “boring” and “nothing happens”? Remember how they thought S5 was better because there was less talkie-talkie and more stabby-stabby? Remember?

It’s okay, I’m sure they conveniently don’t either...

The opening scene of this episode is TWENTY. MINUTES. LONG. Sure, it’s Jon & Davos’s (miraculous) touch-down in Dragonstone, culminating in a reunion between Jon & Tyrion and the much-anticipated first meeting between Jon and Dany but HOLY SHIT WAS IT DULL. So Jon & Davos pull up in their row boat and are greeted by Missandei, who has a certain extra pep in her step today ifyaknowhatimean. Davos immediately begins hitting on her but she swervin’ cuz she spoken for, old man!! She also tells J & D and their soldiers to wipe their feet on the mat and drop their weapons at the door, like this is Vaes Dothrak 2.0 (because that worked out so well last time, eh?). The Northern party is escorted by a band of busted-wig Dothraki and make their way up the Great Wall of Dragonstone. Every. Fucking. Step. Jon and Tyrion’s first convo is literally about Sandra and whether or not she “misses” Tyrion [eyeroll]. Jon’s like ummm awkwaaaarrrrd before Tyrion proclaims it “a sham marriage, and never consummated”. Jon’s like “T.M.I., bro“ and then Tyrion’s like, “well ANYWAY, she’s a lot smarter than she lets on” (correction: a lot smarter than the writers let on, thankyouverymuch), to which Jon replies, “She’s starting to let on.” HAHAHAHAHAHA shut up. They continue to make lame small talk until even Drogon is like “OH MY GOD ENOUGH” and swoops down upon them and they all hit the deck. Actually, this moment came immediately after Jon declared “I’m not a Stark” because D&D think they’re clever. Jon is proper SHOOK at seeing dragons for the first time, and honestly it’s the most emotion we’ve seen from him in like 3-4 seasons.

“Hold me closer, tiny Lannistaaahhhh...”

Up above some perch overlooking the walkway, Mel is looking all wistful as she watches Jon and Davos make their approach and then Varys, who looks like he’s been over-hitting the self-tanner, creeps up behind her and asks why she isn’t down there to greet Jon too, and she says, “I’ve done my part. I’ve brought Ice and Fire together.” (Again, D&D soooo clevah!) Mel declares she’s retiring from the king-advisin’ game but Varys ain’t buying it. She admits she and Jon & Davos aren’t on speaking terms because of “mistakes” she made and is fixing to bugger off to Volantis. Varys is like I’LL HELP YOU PACK, but she’s like pump the brakes, I’ll be back later cuz I have a date with death in Westeros AND SO DO YOOOOUUU! Well needless to say, that wiped the bronzer right off Varys’s face.

We finally get to the Stone Throne Zone™ where Missandei spends 8 minutes rattling off Dany’s titles, and Davos is like “uhhhhh, this is Jon Snow, he likes pancakes!” or whatever, and when Dany calls him “my lord” Davos is like “EXCUSE YOU, HE IS KING IN THE NORTH, SHOW SOME RESPECT” and Dany decides to give us a history lesson about Torrhen Stark (AKA D&D’s attempt at trying to convince us they did some actual research lolololol) and how he totally gave it up to Aegon the Conqueror and is looking at Jon like

She also has to ask Tyrion what big words mean because of course she does, and Jon’s just like, sorry, I ain’t about that bending-the-knee life and reminds her that her father murdered his grandfather and uncle AND OMIGOD CAN’T YOU JUST SEE HOW THEY’RE FALLING IN LOVE, YOU GUYS??? She apologizes for her dad being a douche but still insists he bow down and she’ll make him Warden of the North instead and they can all be friendsies. Jon’s like, cool story, but nah, and insists that Dany needs his help. She’s like “bitch where?” and Davos steps in to say that they coulda stormed King’s Landing if they wanted to (snicker), and Jon asks Dany why SHE hasn’t done that yet. A VERY GOOD QUESTION THAT I WANTED TO HEAR HER ANSWER TO but oops, nevermind, Jon went ahead and answered it for her; in fact, he must have watched last week’s episode because he seemed to know her whole (dumb) plan! Jon finally gets around to mentioning the Army of the Dead and the Night King and everyone’s just rolling their eyes. Dany then spends another 5 minutes (woodenly) monologuing about her life story. Her whole point being that... actually, I’m not sure, she was pretty much just rambling, but I’m sure D&D thought it was super profound. They find themselves at an impasse, so Davos decides it’s a good time to start rattling off Jon’s resume, but when he gets to the part about the stabby-deathy-wakey, Jon’s like

WHY, tho?? Even Mel stopped just short last episode of mentioning that Jon’s a reanimated corpse. I don’t understand why this is such a mystery...

Jon still refuses to bend the knee, and Dany declares him a rebel, but then Varys comes in and whispers in her ear and suddenly she’s like, “SO, my peeps will show you to your rooms, take a load off, enjoy some room service, ring the bell if you need anything!” As she begins to walk away, Jon asks, “Am I your prisoner?” To which she replies, “Not yet.” [CUE PORN MUSIC]

Jon and Davos leave, and Varys tells Dany about how the ships sailing back south to Dorne were ambushed by Euron Two-Hands and how errybody was either killed or captured.

CUT TO Theon being dragged out of the water by some Ironborn who ask him if Yara is dead or not, and he says he tried to save her, and Yoda Harlaw is like “there is no try!” and they all leave him in a heap on the poop deck.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing, all those smallfolk who should be in open rebellion over the usurper queen who murdered they queen they actually loved along with half the city and their religious center are gleefully applauding Euron Both-Eyes as he parades how own niece plus Ellaria and Tyene through the streets on leashes.

So yeah, Pause. Can we talk for a second about how the smallfolk are portrayed on this show? Last week, Olenna gave a speech about how the smallfolk (or, the “mob”, as they are referred to this week) are just a bunch of morons who will basically just go along with whatever you tell them, and this episode proved that statement to be correct. Showing us, once again, how there are literally NO CONSEQUENCES to anything on this show. Remember in Season 2 when the smallfolk rioted just cuz Joffrey wouldn’t give them any bread? Cersei committed an act of ACTUAL TERRORISM, and she’s being cheered in the streets now.

Anyway, Euron is prancing through the streets like a rock star, panties flying at his face, and he says he’s getting a boner and calls Theon a “twat” (I didn’t need to mention this is a D&D-written episode, right?). He rides into the throne room to respectful applause and Ellaria pees a little when she sees Gregor -- because remember EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S GREGOR. Euron presents Ellaria & Tyene as the “gift” for Cersei and she’s like “awwww and I didn’t get you anything... and I won’t until the war is over.” Euron and Jaime then have another shade-off, where Euron is bragging about how the mob loves him, and Jaime reminding him that this same mob spat at Cersei not long ago.... WHAT BRAINLESS SHEEP, AMIRITE?!? Euron then asks Jaime’s advice on how Cersei likes it in the sack, and whether or not she likes “a finger in the bum?” EMMYS ARE ALREADY IN THE MAIL, FELLAS!

Next we have another interminably long scene in a dungeon that’s so clearly an attempt at awards-baiting for Lena and Indira, where Cersei just starts monologuing at Ellaria about murdering Myrcella (apparently we care about our kids again today) and taunts her about Gregor, who is standing just off to the side, killing Oberyn. VERY LONG STORY short, Cersei ends up poisoning Tyene in the same manner that Ellaria did Myrcella and then leaves them there so Ellaria can watch Tyene die. I guess. It was dumb.

So, for those (not) keeping score, one episode after D&D pat themselves on the back for having 4 Strong Women™ in one scene together talking politics, 3 of those women have been imprisoned and/or murdered, by another woman. #FEMINIST

After this, Cersei makes a b-line for Jaime and immediately gives him a blowjob and I’m just like OH NO is Jaime’s dick gonna fall off now???

The wake up the next morning in blissful afterglow because character development is for sissies, when there’s a knock on the door. 40-something Cersei hops out of bed with her still-nubile 20-something bod to answer (yes, it was clearly the same body double from the WoS, because an aging woman’s body has no place on this show except for laughs or shock value). Jaime’s like “no, nobody can see us together!” and she’s like “meh nbd.” She opens the door to some Mya Stone-looking babe -- who is rocking the same hairstyle as her, and no I don’t think that was supposed to be a coincidence? -- who tells her that Tycho Nestoris is in the hizzy.

Tycho congratulates her(??) for blowing up the sept, but she insists it was an accident... even though fucking HOT PIE knows she did it. Anyway, lots more talkie-talkie about she’s in hella debt and Iron Bank wants to invest in a “winner” and Cersei throwing some shade about the Iron Bank suffering because Dany put the kibosh on the slave trade and hold on a minute Braavos is the only Free City that does NOT have slaves??? Uggghhhh... Anyway, she says that the Iron Bank should invest in her because slaves and dragons can’t pay their debts. Okay, whatever...

Back on sunny Dragonstone, we reach peak-meta as Tyrion approaches Jon on a cliffside and says that he (Jon) looks way better than him (Tyrion) while brooding. [cue ALL the eye-rolling] Tyrion’s all bummed out because he didn’t foresee the Greyjoy attack, and the pained look on his face and in his voice seems to be channeling D&D as they have to admit that their golden boy is actually fallible! Jon’s whining about how Dany took his ship and no one believes his story about the walkers, but Tyrion says he believes him. Jon just wants to go back home, and Tyrion actually says, “It’s hard to believe you became King In The North by giving up that easily”, and even Jon has to look into the camera like he’s on “The Office”. Blah blah blah, talk talk talk, then FINALLY Jon comes out with the dragonglass pitch, which Tyrion delivers to Dany. He also quotes himself from the previous scene, saying “a wise man once said” but Dany totally calls him out on it... which would be awesome if SHE WASN’T ALWAYS QUOTING HIM HERSELF. Tyrion’s like, look, just give him the dragonglass and let him be on his way. Dany brings up what Davos said about Jon taking a knife to the heart and wonders what the heck it meant, and Tyrion’s just like “ahhhh those kooky Northerners!”

Skip to later and Jon and Dany having a heart-to-heart outside and she tells him he can have all the dragonglass he wants but won’t answer him when he asks if she believes him about the Night King.

Up in Winterfell, Sandra is taking charge, y’all! She’s struttin’ around the grounds with her posse LF, Bronze Yohn, and Maester Whatshisname and is not happy with the amount of food stores because, as she points out, all the armies in the North will eventually end up at Winterfell (oh REALLY??) when winter comes and they need to be prepared for that, so she proposes “borrowing” grain stores from all the other keeps in the North for the duration of winter and they can have back whatever’s left when winter is over. Then she passes the smith and is like “PUT SOME LEATHER ON THOSE DANG BREASTPLATES YOU AMATEURS!” Bronze Yohn and Maester peel off but LF is still sticking to her like glue, telling her that “command suits you.” He then goes into what seems like another version of the “chaos is a laddah!!” speech except even less sensical. Like seriously, what even the hell? “Fight the battles with your mind! Everything you’ve seen before you will see again!”

Just then, someone comes up behind Sandra (who is absolutely RAPT by LF’s speech, mind you) and tells her there’s someone at the gate. I won’t lie, my stomach did a flip -- could it be?? Is it?? Will they??

Ahhhhhh no, of course not. It’s just Bran, who has apparently been watching the episode too because he looks bored as fuuuuuck. He’s just like “oh hi.” Sandra bursts into tears and hugs him, and he just sits there, emotionless. So, somewhere between the Wall and Winterfell, his personality became as paralyzed as his legs...

So the two of them are chilling in the godswood where Sandra (correctly) points out that Bran is actually the true heir to Winterfell. Bran’s like, “nah, that ain’t for me. I’m the Three-Eyed Raven!” and Sandra’s like “I don’t know what that means”. He tries to explain (badly) and Sandra’s all “uhhhhh kaaayyy?”

Then Bran goes into full Creep Mode and begins to recount her wedding in the godswood to Ramsay, which he refers to as “beautiful”. At which point she’s just like

So that shot of Sandra from the trailer where she’s exiting the godswood on the verge of tears is actually because she’s been triggered by her own damn brother reminding her of her marriage to a rapist and calling it “beautiful”. ANOTHER GREAT STARK REUNION, GUYS!!

Also... Bran KNEW ABOUT HER MARRIAGE TO RAMSAY THE WHOLE TIME?? And he never mentioned it to anyone?? Bloodraven? Meera? Hodor?? Like, “oh shit, my sister has been through some nonsense, I wish I was there to help her or something!” Just... nothing???

Anyway, Sandra almost got to have a reaction to her trauma as if it still matters or something, QUICK, CUTAWAY TO ANOTHER SCENE!!

Ahhhh, Jorah’s raw, scaly flesh, perfect! So, long story short, the procedure totally worked, Jorah is no worse for wear other than just a bad sunburn, and Sam can add “totally cured Westerosi AIDS” to his list of things to brag about. Jorah skips off to go find his Kuhleeeezy again, and literally there was no point to this storyline whatsoever. Jorah is fine, he learned absolutely nothing, and even Sam didn’t even get like a promotion or a raise or anything. Just a pat on the back from the now-bearded Archmaester Slughorn and alls well that ends well!

Back on Dragonstone, Dany wants to attack Euron’s fleet on her dragons but she gets talked out of it. The comes a whirlwind montage of the Unsullied attacking Casterly Rock, which they are able to do successfully because of Tyrion’s knowledge of the sewers. But OOPS here comes the Ironborn fleet! Grey Worm has a concern...

Meanwhile, the rest of the Lannister forces are storming... Highgarden? Freaking Horn Hill looked better than Highgarden, wtf? Anyway, apparently Jaime and the Lannister army sieges and takes HG off-camera in less than a minute, because we needed to spend that time on pointless, redundant dialogue in the first-half of the episode. So Jaime finds Olenna in her chambers, and Olenna’s like “you’re cool with your queen being a total tyrant then, huh?” And Jaime ACTUALLY says that once the war is over, it won’t matter HOW she got there. Uhhhhhhh okay, bro! Sadly, he’s right, though, because literally nothing matters on this show anymore. He offers her some poison in her wine and she’s like

And before she peaces out, she tells Jaime to tell Cersei that she’s the one who killed Joffrey. BUUURRRRN!

Now, I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a revelation for the audience or just for Jaime... because I feel like even the most casual GoT fan already knew this?

Also -- DID JAIME AND OLENNA JUST HAVE THE SCENE THAT SHOULD’VE HAPPENED BETWEEN JAIME AND TYRION AT THE END OF SEASON 4???

Also also, it begs the question -- who DID Jaime think killed Joffrey?? Obviously not Tyrion... and likely not Sansa either. Was this ever even addressed?? I can’t recall.

ANYWAY, I’m too bored to care. Amazing how these episodes just get worse and worse in a season that was supposed to have “fixed” the pacing issues lmao.

And btw, when I said that Sandor would not be seen again for the next 3 to 4 episodes after the premiere, I was only half-joking.... buuuut that seems to be entirely the case after all. Sigh...

[cakethegreatxx]

The Reason

I didn't breakup with you because I don't love you anymore. I broke up with you because we grew toxic for eachother. We crippled eachother, we lost ourselves in our love and drug use, we needed to find ourselves again. We needed to learn how to take care of ourselves. We needed our families back, and i did everything i could to get mine back. That ment losing you in the process and vice virsa. How can someone choose between family and your bestfriend you've loved for almost 4 years? I hear everyday how proud they are for me ending it. I broke my own heart trying to make other people happy. We had our fights, but I could never stay mad at you. When I say toxic, I don't mean that we abused eachother physically.. emotionally though it was on purpose. There was a time we forgot about the whole world, put eachother before everything. You've turned down jobs, disconnected with your family, stole from your family for me. Just to support me. I couldn't let me, stop you from becoming the best you, you could be

I wanted you to feel happy, I needed you to see there was more to life then just me. I went at it the wrong way. I was harsh because it was just to hard letting you go. I haven't let go, and I don't think I will. When I said I'd marry you, I ment it. I still mean it. I tried to get over you, many times. Do you know how much pain and agony ive put myself through trying to grasp the thought that we don't need eachother to be happy? I held it together, though I was dead inside, no one had a clue. 4 months later, when i found out you were in the hospital, i cried and panicked. I paced for hours trying to convince myself that it was all a dream. I want to take it back, you taught me to love. You showed me what love was. You made me feel like i was the only girl on the earth. You showed me there's more to life, that everyone has a chance at happieness. That I create my own happieness. That life was worth living. That we were fighters. Thats when i lost it. Thats when i realized im stuck in a relationship that was basically an excuse and coverup of my emotions. The last couple of weeks, my breathes have been shallow, my heart is mangled and my brain is an active war zone. The day you almost died snapped me into reality. I am stuck and dont know what to do or say. Everyone thinks I'm over you. I really thought i convinced myself that i was in fact over you, but im not, I never was. My life is a lie. All I do is think about is you, I try to imagine your voice saying its going to be okay, we'll get through this together. Writing all this out makes me realize, there's no amount of apologies I could give to you my love. Just a reason, and my feelings. I miss your warmth your hugs gave me, it was a different type of warmth. A sense of comfort. Love isnt just an mental attachment, love is a feeling you can't mistake for others

Love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also rip your soul apart. Love can be a feeling of pure happieness and joy but only with you Tanner, i don't want us to be a disant memory or just a dream. How much time does it take to get over a true love? Is it possible to hate someone who was once your love, your smile, your reason to be, your everything? Someone you spent every waking moment with. Someone who you had created the absolute best and worst times of your life? I hate that in your point of view, i just broke so many promises and lied to you. I never lied to you, i never talked bad about you. I still stick up for you. Why do you refuse to say my name? Why do you act like nothing ever happend? Yell at me, scream at me, talk to me please, show me because im still in love with you. I'll always love you. And if it's ment to be, we'll find eachother again like the books say. I will search for you. I will fight til you're back in my damn life. It may take months, fuck, even years. But you are my soulmate... it's the smallest things that make me miss you. Your laugh, Your sleepy voice, the way you get my attention when you want something.. I miss being comforted by you, you've taken my sadness away before... it's just a matter of when it will happen again. I miss the teenage us, I miss the careless nights with you, I miss our crazy camping adventures. I miss just cuddling you. I miss the trust we had. We were strong, just going through really rough times. You are my home, You are my human and I know I'm yours too. Just let me in... I'd rather be dead or alone than without you forever. I was so desperate to get over you, I didn't know how to do it, I fucked up. I jumped into a relationship, it was sort of fun at first I guess. But, now its gone to far. I cant get out of this relationship without bloodshed and tears. He lives with me and my family now. My parents love him, are like best friends with him. Theyre closer to him then me and him are. Literally. I havent slept in my own bed in weeks. God, i dont even remember the last time i kissed him or even look at his face. I cry alone at night just wishing he was you. Nobody compares to you. I'm drowning and no one knows. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone without having anyone notice? I hate how I can't even say your name without ridicule. It wasn't all dark times. I loved you before I knew how to love myself which is probably why I'm so torn. I didn't know what real love was until I met you. You taught me to be myself, you showed me what good feelings were. I loved you before drugs, before we altered our brains, I fell in love with the real you, and you brought me to life. You stuck up for me, loved me at my worst, you delt with my moods wings and emotional breakdowns. I'm not saying I just love you for the good times but for all of it. Bad and good. We fucked up and did some pretty horrible things to eachother.. but at the end of the night, we were in eachother's arms whispering "I love you, forevers and evers baby" "you promise?" "I promise baby" ...what we had was real, and it's only a matter of time. I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Please look past everything that happened between us and remember how you felt with me, how you talked to me, how you love..(d?) me. Remember us. Remember our loyalty and trust for one another. Let go of the past and tell me you feel the same way like I know you do. Look past incidents and reflect on us just through emotions. Don't feel with your words or memories. How you feel when youre in my arms is all that matters, does your heart race? Do your ears get hot or do you get crazy goosebumps? Is your body like magnets or your insides like putty? Or is there nothing? I need to know.

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes three and four: WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Oh, god, I’m back.

You’re probably wondering, “Hey, Amanda, can’t you count? There wasn’t a *Bachelor In Paradise: Victim-Blaming Island Episodes one and two recap!” Hunty, I know. But did you see those episodes? I literally had to leave midway through the first one and get more alcohol to handle it. You know who should never be asked to hold a panel on sexual assault and racism? Chris Harrison. Literally. I would rather have a panel on torture wherein which I am the one being tortured by Carrot Top. I would rather be taken over by a Trump-supporting demon1 that gets carted around Fox News as their Token Pretty Black Girl.

Oh my god, I literally just said I would prefer to be Stacey Dash, what have I done?!

So no, I won’t be recapping what I consider to be the Men’s Rights Activist Textbook For Discussing Sexual Assault and Racism. Nah man, nah.

What that does mean, though, is that I must do my rankings swiftly, and on a different scale this season, as we don’t have Queen Jubilee to be our barometer of Perfection, and rather we have Robb(ie), a hot mixture of saliva, hair gel, sweat, and low self-esteem. I dislike them all, pretty much. I must rate them in terms of things I hate in my own life. Alas, I present:

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability:

Raven: People playing music in public without headphones

Jasmine: mosquito

Robb(ie): Ross Geller

Lacey: Running out of one expensive product and then as soon as I replace that one, running out of ANOTHER expensive face product

Diggy: When the commercial is louder than the show I was watching

Matt: Forgetting one thing when I go shopping

Taylor: Walking into a cold pond and touching seaweed

Kristina: Pills on sweaters (I dislike her the least)

Amanda Never-Shoulders: a recurring cold for 2+ months that is just a tickle in the back of your throat and a constant throat clearing and a sniffle

JACKSTONE: Running out of all of my expensive face products at the same damn time

Dean: Waking up from a nap and being not 100% sure of what time it is (I dislike him the least of all of them too)

Alexis: 30 second ads before 30 second videos

Ben: Wet socks

Danielle: A straw with a crack in it

Nick B: Entering a room and forgetting what you meant to do in there

Iggy: When people comment on other people’s food

Vinny: Standing on the left side of the escalator

Alex:  The Hobbit and any movie that expects me to want to spend 2+ hours in the god damn woods2

DeMario: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s marriage

Corinne: Missing a button on your shirt and discovering after someone points it out

We’re back after the shutdown and we haven't even gotten to the rose ceremony yet, but everyone’s back and still DTF. The opening is as awkward as ever, and I zoned out. Back at the villas, the girls are crying because love is not in the air, and the guys are oblivious. I mean, this is a group of very attractive people who all have never had to work this hard to get other people’s attention or get them to want to be with them. Ugh, it’s so hard to go to an island for two weeks and get drunk and flirt with people.

I WOULD BE QUEEN OF THIS ISLAND.

But really, the dudes are having bro-time and the ladies are not having it, and they need a new dude to come in.

So here comes Adam.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Adam: People with no clue of how they’re occupying space

Adam was on Rachel’s season and we all forgot about him and I still forgot about him. The show reminds me that he was the guy with the French mannequin and everything makes horrific sense. I would rather fall in love with that French mannequin than have a talk about the sexualization of black male bodies by white people. But the guys are PUMPED that they have another guy to play video games with and talk about sports wi - I mean, that Adam’s there and he has a true chance at love. All the girls are thirsting over Adam, primarily because he has a date card. Basically the guys admit to Adam that none of the guys have made a single move except Derek, who’s been holed up with Taylor pretty much since before the shutdown.

Adam says he’s interested in Raven3 and Kristina, and takes his time getting to know both of them. Raven wants to be like Evan And Carly Who Got Engaged in Paradise And Are Getting Married There Too, Remember, After Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Earlier The Year Before, Remember Them, and Adam wants someone he can lift up. I’m sure he means emotionally but I definitely had the mental image of Adam constantly carrying his girlfriends around.

The next day, it’s FINALLY the rose ceremony, and pretty much every rose is up in the air except for Taylor’s. Robb(ie) and Ben Z both want Raven’s rose, but neither of them want her to go on a date with Adam.

So of course Adam gives Raven his date card because everything is hilarious.

Meanwhile, Dean’s isolating himself from… everyone, but especially Kristina, and Kristina’s frustrated by that. She sits down with Diggy to discuss how she’s feeling and I realize that the time that this group spent together during the shutdown is going to play out in the dynamics of this season. Kristina and Dean bonded during the shutdown, but back on Fuck Island, things aren’t as smooth. He literally says he can’t talk to her until after his shower and all but bolts away from her.

Kristina: Dean just might not be into you anymore. And that’s okay.

Ben Z is in a tizzy that Raven and Adam are going on a date because basically he has a dog and Raven has a dog so they’re Meant To Be. Raven and Adam’s date cost all of $30 (including tip) because they basically sat at a table and drank margaritas and then did some terrible salsa dancing.

They play out how ominous the rose ceremony is going to be because there’s a tsunami coming in and it's pouring rain out. Literally no one wants this to happen. TAKE THE HINT. None of the guys are confident because they spent the last few days dicking around with each other and forgot that it’s not in their hands anymore. Iggy’s desperate and pretty much tries to go around to every girl and try to get a rose because he wants them Instagram followers. He bastardizes a Jewish prayer for Lacey. I literally forgot Alex was even there. Alexis forces JackStone to compliment her over and over again and this show should be much more of that and less of Adam making out with Raven in an a desperate attempt to get her rose.

Then again, there hasn’t been enough gross making out this season. It’s the alcohol consumption control and also these guys are terrible.

There’s an amazing scene where Robb(ie) tries to kiss Amanda Never-Shoulders and she swerves him so hard I cackled. She puts her hand on his shoulders and it ls like, “I want it to be special! You’re sweaty!” I would like this show to be 100x more cutting men down to size.

Dean takes Kristina aside and basically tells her it would be best to “slow down” a little bit, which is the fuckboy way of saying “I wanna bang other people, AND I wanna still bang you.” He all but tells her she has no obligation to give him her rose. Dean’s got terrible communication skills.

The Rose Ceremony starts and you would think these people have just seen water for the first time after being in a desert.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Jasmine gives her rose to Matt.

Raven gives her rose to… Adam, and Ben Z doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

Alexis gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Lacey gives her rose to Diggy because one couple has to be there just to stay for mutual agreement.

Danielle M. gives her rose to Ben Z out of sympathy AND HE DESERVES A REAL ROSE HAVE Y’ALL SEEN HIS FACE

Kristina gives her rose to Dean. Why.

Amanda Never-Shoulders gives her rose to Robb(ie) and I do not understand how she has such terrible taste in men.

Alex, Nick, Vinny, and Iggy all go home. All the men except Iggy get exit speeches4 and Vinny struggles with his seatbelt.

The next day, the tables have turned, and the guys are in charge now. Danielle L shows up, and all the guys are salivating over her. I refuse to call her DLo.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Danielle L: the idea of a dolphin eating a squeaky toy

She has a date card, 20 pounds of makeup and boob tape on at like, 9 AM. The guys are alight because there’s finally someone they’re into there. Danielle is interested in Ben and Dean, and Ben takes his time with Danielle to talk about how Dean and Kristina are in a rough spot, which leads Danielle straight to Dean instead. It makes no sense.

Danielle offers Dean her date card, and Kristina is krushed5. She was hoping for a fun bonding day with Dean and he’s off on another date with a girl who just go there. Dean tries to explain himself away and keep Kristina on the hook by being like, “Well, she knows about you, so…” Dean and Danielle go on a date driving a single ATV6 and Kristina sits at home, crying and drinking and watching a sunset. Danielle and Dean’s date ends with them making out. Barf. I know Kristina and Dean spent a week road tripping across Kentucky during the shutdown but it just feels extra harsh that Dean’s doing this now.

Dean seems really desperate to be The Good Guy in every single way and thus makes himself look like The Bad Guy because he’s emotionally unintelligent. He goes up to the girls’ room awkwardly and waits until they’re like, “Sooo… do… you want to talk to Kristina?”; and then when they’re talking, he downplays the kiss he had with Danielle as just a “peck” and tells Kristina missed her. They share a pinky promise that they’ll be together forever and ever and ever because these are two emotionally mature adults.

Pinky promises ain’t shit, and Dean ain’t shit.

It gets worse when they’re having a bonfire and Dean and Kristina are with the rest of the group at a bonfire, and then jumps up and gets a slice of watermelon with whipped cream on it for Danielle’s half-birthday. I fuckin’ love my birthday and I would never celebrate my half-birthday like this, especially with that not-cake insult of a cake. Dean flat out disrespected Kristina in front of everyone.

Dean can’t have his not-cake and eat it too. I don’t feel bad for Kristina, either, because she can do and deserves better, but this was a public humiliation.

Oooh, Dean’s not the internet’s boyfriend anymore, is he?

End Act One. Enter Act Two.

There’s some horrible wordplay with “Dean’s Dilemma with D-Lo” nd I hate everyone. Chris Harrison, BYEEEEE.

Also, I refuse to give commentary on the DeMario interview. Y’all can go visit Ali Barthwell at Vulture for that.

The next day, shit’s still tense on the Dean/Danielle/Kristina front. Kristina pretty much can’t stop crying because she hates being vulnerable7 and she’s shutting down. No one knows who’s going to give Kristina a rose if Dean doesn’t.

I haven’t talked about My Ex-Boyfriend Wells being the Jorge replacement this season. I am not okay with it whatsoever. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is slowly becoming the Nick Viall of this franchise and imma need him to disappear right quick. I don’t want to date a guy whose main life goal is Bachelor Nation Personality, that sounds fucking terrible.

Raven’s excited about pursuing Adam because Raven is Hot Shit and Knows Every Guy Wants Her8 but she’s afraid another girl will come in and ruin what they have going.

Enter Sarah!

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Sarah: Resting your hand on the hot spot where your flat iron was

Sarah, who is basically a walking wand curler, and Raven’s terrified because during the shutdown, Raven caught Adam and Sarah having a snuggle. Soooo, Raven’s on the “Protect Ya Dick” path and basically tells Sarah “If you want Adam, get Adam, but we’re all still getting to know Adam since he just got here, and we already know Ben, so we’d love for you to take Ben instead!” AKA “GO ON A DATE WITH BEN”.

Why do they have to sell Ben to anyone? He’s so hot. Then again, his entire personality is being a good dad to his dog. Ben.

Ben.

Why do you do this. JUST BE QUIET AND LET US SALIVATE OVER YOUR BODY.

Sarah gets the most generic date card which is perfect for her personality, and she chooses Adam despite all of Raven’s dreams and desires. I like seeing Raven getting cut off at the knees so getcha man, Sarah. We get an amazing scene of Adam saying he��s happy to be on an one-on-one with Rachel because they literally could have copy-and-pasted that from Rachel’s season and I wouldn’t have known. Adam and Sarah go on the thirstiest date of all time. Adam literally says he jumps into relationships too quickly and Sarah’s like I’M ALL IN PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. Sarah loses me when she says that Paradise is a Nicholas Sparks book in real life and I barf.

Back at the resort, Danielle’s losing hope because she’s not feeling it with anyone there. Danielle sees My Ex-Boyfriend Wells as dateable - just not in Paradise - but they agree to a My Best Friend’s Wedding type deal where Danielle M is a much less likeable Julia Roberts and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells WISHES he could be Dermot Mulroney. He’s barely even Rupert Grint, let alone Rupert Everett. Pfft.

Meanwhile, Lacey’s been put on ice by pretty much everyone in Paradise. I can’t tell it’s because it’s 2017 and she’s still lining her entire eye with black eyeliner like she’s Avril Lavigne in 2002 or because she’s a whiner. I’m thinking it’s the former, but more likely it’s the latter. She never had a one-on-one in her time on The Bachelor and she just wants her GREAT RELATIONSHIP. Perfect timing, because Lacey gets a date card.

They need to give Jorge’s Tour-ges some publicity, so Lacey’s card is from Jorge. Lacey asks Ben first, but pretty much no one is DTF Lacey. Raven even says “I think the guys want to go on a date… but not necessarily with Lacey.”

Raven is such an underground bitch sometimes and I much prefer her that way. Jasmine says she would choke Lacey if she took Matt on a date. Lacey’s pretty much asking all the guys if she took them on her date would it be as friends or as something possibly more. But Lucky Lacey, because Diggy agrees to go on a date with her! And Jorge!

Lacey calls a Bachelor one-on-one the Holy Grail of dating and I’m just… what? WHY. They meet with Jorge, who’s with some horses! Jorge-ses. They ride horses to get to know each other and Lacey’s like, “I probably never would have met you without Paradise.” I know she didn’t mean it that way, but it feels like she’s saying “I’ve never dated a black dude before!” Jorge brought Lacey and Diggy to the place where Jorge was conceived, and I love it.

BRING BACK JORGE. CAN I START A CHANGE.ORG PETITION.

Lacey and Diggy make out next to the ocean and I just noticed that Lacey’s hair is basically pulled back with a Chip Clip.

Meanwhile, Danielle M. and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells are discussing each other with different people. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with her by pursuing something more, and Danielle M. isn’t feeling it with anyone there and is going to leave. She gave up a great opportunity to come and try to find love in Paradise and that’s not happening, so.

Diggy and Lacey return from their date and Lacey’s over the moon, so of course the producers decide to shit all over that party by sending in Dominique, and Diggy’s THRILLED. I have no memory of Dominique but she was on Nick’s season and is rockin the twists. Lacey’s afraid that because Taylor doesn’t like Lacey and Taylor loves Dom, that Taylor’s gonna meddle.

And meddle Taylor does. Lacey’s already nervous because she knows Diggy wants to go out with Dominique and vice versa. Taylor basically tells Dominique that Diggy’s actually excited about her, which she hasn’t seen in him with anyone else. I’m cackling. Taylor is such a menace and I love it.

Dominique asks Diggy on the date, and Lacey’s pissed and takes it out on Taylor, of course. Taylor goes to Lacey and tries to explain herself - it wasn’t done maliciously, she just thinks they’re a better fit. Lacey just wants everyone to stop playing matchmaker and that her great date was ruined less than 15 minutes after she returned. Taylor feels bad but also, that’s how the game works, girl. I love that Taylor’s like, “Come on. Lacey would have done the same damn thing if the tables were turned.”

‘Cause it’s true.

Diggy feeds Dom some strawberries and they kiss and their date seems to be a non-factor. I’m bored. I’m more intrigued by the Lacey shit.

Danielle’s at home packing up all of her stuff because she’s officially left Paradise. Everyone’s sad to see her go and she says all of the blanket platitudes. She’s going to miss My Ex-Boyfriend Wells the most, though. She’s sad nothing developed between the two of them during Paradise, but if they’d had more time, maybe something could have come out of it. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells walks her out to her Van of Doom and then THEY KISS.

Good for you, Danielle.

Fuck off, My Ex-Boyfriend Wells.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Derek and Taylor look gorgeous together.

“Please sit down. So you’re Jewish,” made me cackle. Iggy’s the worst.

Does Lacey look like an Olsen to anyone else?

OMG Alexis saying that Nick was the worst Bachelor in history and all the Nick shade in general in this episode.

Fuck Jasmine for saying Taylor wasn’t well liked on her season, gross.

I keep forgetting Amanda is even there. This is for the best.

These girls seem cliquey as hell. I felt bad for Lacey at points.

And if you know anything about me, while I’m not a “spiritual” person, spirits and demons freak me the fuck out. I hated This Is The End. ↩︎

I’m talking about The Revenant, and the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has an Oscar for grunting and not for Django Unchained, like he SHOULD HAVE. ↩︎

Raven is the #1 Girl on that island apparently. ↩︎

God bless Lacey for not picking Iggy because I would like to never see him on my television ever again. ↩︎

I couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

Someone must have had a Groupon. ↩︎

Did I hear an unedited “shit” come out of Kristina?!?! ABC, living on the edge. ↩︎

I literally think that’s why I hate her so much, she’s got this level of arrogance that isn’t blatant but she disguises it behind a Southern accent. ↩︎

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelor, season 21, episode 1: i most certainly am not here for the right reasons

I’m pretty sure I’ve never been so excited in my life for one thing.

I’m also pretty sure no one has worked harder to make one person happen than ABC did for Nick. They’re not claiming it’s “The Most Exciting Season Yet”, thank god - it’s “Unlike Anything You’ve Ever Seen Before”. God damn it, ABC. You are not clever.

Nick is uncomfortable saying he’s The Bachelor, and we get a full on montage of him half-naked and even FULL NAKED!!!! I still can’t decide if I think Nick is cute, and this will be my personal journey this year - Is Nick Hot, Or Is He A Body And Good Facial Hair? I just know that Nick has more personality in his pinky finger than Manila Envelope and Water-Based Oatmeal1 ever could. We get a montage of Nick’s terrible hair2 and terrible experiences on this franchise. He also talks with his hands in front of his mouth and has communication issues. Apparently, his family is thrilled with him being the Bachelor, which is hilarious because anyone else’s family would talk them out of doing this show for the FOURTH time. But instead his sister gives him some shitty advice about picking girls up in cars, and we get the obligatory Kiss From A Rose/I’m The Bachelor Now photoshoot montage. Nick’s gonna give us all happy endings, and my friend Katie is pumped.

Speaking of Manila Envelope and Water-Based Oatmeal, they join Sean Lowe, who’s season I’ve seen but barely remember except for Tierra the Tierrable for a chat about the fact that Nick is considered to be an asshole and make jokes that he’s done the show four times. I love that this is going to be A Thing this season. Nick’s afraid of failing on TV AGAIN and all of America is sadly rooting for this too. Not out of dislike for Nick, but wouldn’t it be interesting if SIX people rejected him? Manila Envelope or Water-Based Oatmeal (YMMV) manages to give Nick some good advice about not changing for the show ‘cause everyone’s gonna love him!

When I’m The First Black Bachelorette, my advice to the incumbent will be:

We’re greeted with the first shot of The Artist Formerly Known As My Mortal Enemy, Chris Harrison. Now that I’m enemies with James Kennedy, I had to replace Chris. He was super cool about it, though. He still knows what he did, though. Trust me. He knows what he did. He’s going to introduce us to our Final Four and Others! This is an actual trope of this show - the final four is always featured in the opening segment, along with the two or three others who are topics of discussion this season. You know you’re gonna get a good or bad edit depending whether or not you’re one of the Chosen Six.

WE MEET SOME OF THE LADIEZ!!!!!

Rachel, who I already decided will be Our Real First Black Bachelorette, is an attorney from Dallas. We get a montage of her vacuuming and dancing and talking about how she wants love, but doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but hopes to feel a connection straight off the bat. Rachel, at 31, is one of the oldest contestants this season, and I adore Rachel. Danielle is 27 and owns 3 nail salons. She’s kind of bland. Vanessa, who’s from Quebec3 and speaks English, Italian, and French, and is a special needs teacher. She’s more of a unicorn than Joelle on Ben’s season. She’s far too perfect and Ben is gonna love her. Jacqueline is a lonely nursing student who loves cats and talks to animals. It takes a “certain kind of guy” to handle Jacqueline, which means he’s going to hate her.

Raven reads her bible and watches football in Huxie, Alabama. She’s the second small business owner on the show, and... yeah, i got nothing for Raven. She’s another one who’s just there and probably makes it to the end as The Shocker. Corinne is glamorous and lives in Miami. She’s a 24-year-old woman with a fucking nanny who she needs to live. She runs a “multi-million dollar company” that he dad is passing over to her, and Corinne is this season’s villain and probably final four. Alexis is weird and embarrassing, Danielle is a nurse. GOD these women are... bland.

Taylor is a mental health professional and is fucking gorgeous. She psychoanalyzes Nick, which scares me, considering she’s never met him. Not a huge fan of armchair psychology, even though that is literally the basis of this blog. She talks about being biracial and I’m glad this is a discussion being had on this show. Colorism is so real and such a problem - most of mainstream America probably has zero clue about the internalized hatred within a lot of the black community when it comes down to the actual color of your skin. Liz and Nick fucked at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, where Liz was the maid of honor. They call it “hooking up” but they refuse to admit they bangalanged. Liz refused to give Nick her number after the torrid affair and regrets it because now he’s going to be rich, famous, and have over a million Instagram followers, the dream of every person who participates in his mess of a series.

Note: There has been almost a week between the above paragraph and the rest of this blog. Last week was crazy, sorry y’all. I’ll do better for you this season, I promise.

Anyway, we resume with the Meeting of The Women, also known as the Limo Introductions. Chris Harrison welcomes him back because this is the second time Nick’s doing this - how many times are we going to reference that this is Nick’s fourth go-around???? - and they talk about how Nick is controversial. Remember when Madonna kissed Britney Spears was controversial? Now, a former Salesforce representative-turned-model is “controversial”. Words mean nothing and I am losing more of myself every single day. Nick hopes to finally meet The One, because... that is literally the point of this show.

A GIF Interpretation of My Reaction To Meeting The Bachelor If I Were to Compete on This Show: 4

Danielle is the first from the limo, which combined with her opening segment places her heavily in the top 4. Elizabeth is 24, wearing white lace, and is nervous. She’s basically wearing a wedding dress, and that’s all I got from this. My Queen Rachel shows up, looking gorgeous in a red dress and a red lip, and then makes a football joke. RACHEL, YOU ARE THE BEST. I LOVE YOU. Christen does a fan dance, wears a yellow dress Reese Witherspoon5 is dying to wear to next year’s Golden Globes, and much like everyone else, is excited.

Taylor The Mental Health Professional is only 23?! She calls him a piece of shit (blaming her friends), which is... not the best note to start on and things get weird quick. Nick does not want to meet her friends. laughed so hard because as someone who has also insulted someone upon initial meeting, it’s all in your recovery, and Taylor The Mental Health Professional flubbed. Oh, Taylor. You probably will go home tonight. Kristina wants to get to know him for him, Angela is a model who’s there because El Bachelor is Nick and wears a two-piece gown. Lauren shows up in ALL SEQUINS and her last name is “Hussy”, and makes a solid “Viall-Hussy” joke. Lauren, I already like you. Who are you, Lauren? Can we be friends? I’m down with your sense of humor6.

I wonder how many times they’ll use the word “excited” tonight? Elizabeth wants to form her OWN opinions about him because she’s a Woman Who Does What She Wants. They all believe that Nick on Paradise is the real Nick, not the former Nick who was the asshole on The Bachelor. Ida Marie and Taylor show up, and Ida Marie does a trust fall with him - is this my middle school theatre camp? - and Olivia from Alaska gives him an Eskimo kiss, which feels... obtuse. Someone comes running in - Sarah - and makes a runner-up joke. I’d be pissed if I had to run in any kind of dress. I’d be pissed if I had to run, period. Jasmine G’s body is on point, she looks gorgeous in teal, and she brought Neil Lane with her. I guess Nick and Neil Lane will see each other FIVE TIMES over the course of this show. See? Even I can’t stop mentioning how many times Nick has been on this show. It’s all kind of pointless, and weird, and so is the following “I’m not wearing underwear” non-joke from Hailey, who is also 23. Some of the girls this season are showing their age early on, damn.

Astrid speaks German and gets hella sexy with Nick in a language he doesn’t understand. All the girls are trying to bang him already, damn. I love it. OH NO, LIZ HAS ARRIVED. I’M SCARED FOR HER ALREADY. Nick gives a stifled smile to her like he’s trying to place her - not a good sign, Liz The Doula - and doesn’t even acknowledge that the two of them know each other. HE HAS NO IDEA. I LOVE THIS PLOTLINE ALREADY. Nick “thinks he met her already” which is amazing because he’s literally not sure. Liz weirds me out - there’s a robotic thing about her that scares me. LizBot 2000 reminds me of a strange beauty pageant girl.

Corinne is here for Nick and gives him a hug token to cash in later. Corinne, I already dislike you. Vanessa speaks French to Nick, and I hate her dress. I really like her, though. Some girl brings maple syrup and my boyfriend went on a rant about bringing sticky brown water to a first date and I stopped paying attention to what was going on. Raven has a cute accent, and Jaimi is the second person in the culinary arts this season. Jaimi has “balls” as in she has a septum piercing? WHAT? HOW IS THIS A THING? There’s so much wrong about that. There are a few more introductions I pretty much ran through - Savannah, Josephine (who gives him a book with a hot dog in it?). Lacey arrives on a camel and makes a hump joke, and the girls can’t get over that they didn’t come up with that concept. It is a really good one. Alexis is an aspiring dolphin Trainer and wears a shark suit7, but considers herself to be a dolphin. Remember on Burning Love when Jennifer Aniston wore THE EXACT SAME COSTUME? REMEMBER THIS? MAGGIE, REMEMBER? I AM DEAD, BURNING LOVE AND THIS SHOW ARE OFFICIALLY THE SAME THING.

Everyone’s wearing red, and everyone is upset about it. Next season no one will wear red ever. The season after that, no one will wear red. Hailey, Rachel, Taylor, Lacey, Angela, and Dominique all wear red. There may even be more of them that I didn’t notice. Nick is greeted by the women with a cocktail and thanks them for being there because he’s done it 100 times.

Rachel gets the first time with Nick, and they flirt. Hard. She’s such a fucking queen, she’s a star from the get-go. She, like me, has more cousins than siblings, and she loves everyone in her family. She’s got goals and is good at her job. Christen teaches Nick to ballroom dance - for some reason, I feel like Nick is the rare white guy who can actually dance - and Danielle talks about how she really wants a rose that night. I actually think Nick is approaching this like an adult? With thought and confidence and a good amount of self-deprecation, which is nice.

Chris Harrison drops...

THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE!!!!!!!!

Corinne does something with tokens and really wants to kiss him tonight. Vanessa’s friend submitted her for the show and considers it fate that the only guy she wanted was Nick, and Nick’s now Le Bachelor. Vanessa wants to kiss him so badly and it seems like it might happen until Corinne, confirming her space as this season’s villain, comes in and interrupts him to kiss him. Everyone sees, of course, and everyone’s shocked. Corinne’s so gross, she’s all but smiling during the kiss which is so weird. This season is weird. Corinne is described as “the first one to kiss him, and the first one to double-dip.” They’re not wrong, but the season has officially begun.

Jasmine G is upset because she wanted time to talk to him and Nick asks her to wait briefly. The girls start drinking heavily to cope because this show and the environment is anxiety inducing. Everyone wants to be friends with Alexis the Dolphin Shark, who insists she’s a dolphin. Corinne makes weird references to her body being possibly ugly under there. Alexis is drunk and in the pool, and Nick finds her there and insists she’s a shark. It really is concerning that she refuses to acknowledge that she’s a shark. Her costume has a fin. Nick tells her she’s gotta keep it on all night long because he’s probably into that. Doesn't Nick Being a Furry seem like a thing that would happen in 2017?

LizBot 2000 cannot get over the fact that she’s met Nick before and is really excited that he doesn’t remember - girl, that is a BAD THING that he doesn’t remember. Nick admits that he does remember her7 and it’s been a while since they last saw each other. He’s basically confused as to why she wouldn’t give him her number but feels comfortable enough going on this show8. She still thinks he was a dick before she saw him on Paradise, and Nick is hella confused. He just calls her out on her bullshit time and time again and it’s incredible. They get interrupted and LizBot tries to stall but Nick’s like, “uh, hell no, I’m gonna talk to everyone tonight, sorry.” and ditches her.

Everyone’s nervous because the First Impression Rose is still out there, and everyone’s worried Corinne might get it because she kissed him first, and Corinne’s not worried. The girl who gave him maple syrup is Canada, of course, some girl has a Carrie Bradshaw quote? WHY DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE CARRIE BRADSHAW? Her boyfriend Danielle M. seems too shy and timid for this show, but I like her. She’s a nurse for sick babies and likes the challenge. They seem to have a cute rapport, and Nick comes for the First Impression Rose.

OMG. OMG. OH MY GOD9.

IT GOES TO MY QUEEN AND GODDESS RACHEL.

YES.

YES!!!!!!!!!

THIS SEASON IS ALREADY AMAZING.

A BLACK WOMAN GETS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE, TRACEE ELLIS ROSS WINS A GOLDEN GLOBE, VIOLA DAVIS WINS A GOLDEN GLOBE, AND EVERYTHING IS BETTER FOR US ALL10.

Nick says it was “obvious” that he wanted to give the rose to Rachel by the end of the night, and they kiss. I am alive. You can tell she was genuinely shocked. They hold hands. This is true love.

We’re headed into the Rose Ceremony, but not before Nick confers with Chris Harrison. He's pissed at Liz.

Roses go to: Vanessa, Danielle, Christen, Astrid/Astird, Corinne (who thought she might not get a rose because she kissed him), Elizabeth W, Jasmine G (who cried when she thought she wouldn’t get time with him), Raven, Kristina (who also cried because she didn’t know what to expect), Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor The Mental Health Professional, Alexis (who still refuses to admit she’s a shark), Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi11, Brittany (who seems like an irl Cecily Strong character from SNL), and LizBot 2000, of course.

That means we’re losing Olivia, Angela, Ida Marie, Briana, Susannah, Michelle, and Lauren, who never evolved past “Viall-Hussey”, which is so sad. I liked her. Can’t wait to see all of you in Paradise, though! We’ll certainly have forgotten you by that point.

This Season, on La Bachelor: NICK FREEZES TO DEATH, Into The Wild-style. Lots of dancing! Lots of kissing! Lots of adventures! Finland! Jaimi’s bisexual! THE FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS. Corinne takes her top off for a photograph, everyone wants to fuck Nick, and Liz tells everyone about her and Nick banging. Vanessa cries, everyone cries, and Corinne is an immature villain. Corinne tries to bang Nick, and Nick cries a ton. Nick doesn’t like being The Bachelor? And the proposals happen in an elk lodge. Gross. Currently crossing my fingers that Nick gets rejected a third time, despite my current love for him.

See you tomorrow for Vanderpump Rules, and Wednesday for The Bachelor, and THE FIRST EPISODE OF MY PODCAST. I'll post details about it soon.

Random Assessments from The Desk of Amanda:

Initial thoughts about Nick: He’s great.I think he’s going to be a great Bachelor, maybe the best in Bachelor history, which is saying a lot. He’s charming, self-deprecating, and seems to be in it for real, which is strange.

Bachelor Fantasy Picks: Vanessa, Rachel, Danielle.

Vanessa looks like Brunette Jessica Chastain, Michaela Watkins, Andi Dorfman, Julia Roberts, Madeleine Stowe, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Corinne and Sarah have the same face and different hair.

My boyfriend claims the key to making past the first night: asking the Bachelor/Ette how they’re feeling and if things are going well. Make it about them, y’all. Don’t try to sell yourself. Also, be super-de-duper hot.

I hate the voice-overs of people hoping to be called.

NO ONE GOT WASTED DRUNK ON THE FIRST NIGHT AND MADE A FOOL OF THEMSELVES. What a disappointment.

Nick and Kaitlyn really, really hate each other.

In this new year, I’m literally thrilled that Josh and Amanda are donzo for good and for realsies. BYE HEAUX.

Chris and Ben, disrespectfully. ↩︎

Was his hair ORANGE in Kaitlyn’s season? ORANGE? ↩︎

I hate the Quebecois French accent. ↩︎

Kim’s old face! ↩︎

Reese only wears yellow or purple on the red carpet, and it is so boring. ↩︎

I would totally be the girl who competes on this show with the sole purpose of making friends. I’m here to make friends, not to win. ↩︎

After some producer prodding, probably. ↩︎ ↩︎

It’s because she wants to shill weight-loss teas and go on Marriage Boot Camp like her best friends Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged In Paradise And Married On TV Earlier Last Year, Remember Them? ↩︎

My favorite part of the FIR is that it sits in front of the girls, taunting them for hours. ↩︎

I also love the girls who are trying not to be like “... But she’s black????” It’s so obvious. #BlackGirlMagic is real. ↩︎

My boyfriend referred to her as “Septum Piercing”, so that’s her name. ↩︎