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kusanagihaku · 1 month ago

Text

and i will hold onto you

⭢ haku x mc, 9.6k

n is for new year's day. ˖⁺‧₊⟡ alphabet series | ao3 thinking always about this headcanon; also i know graduation is usually in march but like, artistic license, haha…?

The cheers in Tokyo Dome are deafening.

You watch as families stream down from the corners of the dome to the field, swarming their loved ones in congratulations as graduation caps are knocked to the floor with the force of their hugs.

There is a vague current of wistfulness in the air, amidst the celebratory cheers, as is common in most graduation ceremonies. As you stand alone looking around at all the families, you wonder how much of that wistfulness is your own.

It’s been a little over three years, after all, since you’ve entered Darkwick. Three years since the curse was placed on you and consequently broken, three years since you’ve last seen any of your family. Three years since you’ve found a new one, strange as they are, and two years since they’ve left you, one by one, to take on the world outside Darkwick.

And now it is your turn to leave.

“Honour roll,” comes a familiar voice, from behind you, and you turn, hand on your cap, to see Leo’s smirk and the camera in his hand.

Despite yourself, you laugh. “Leo.”

His smirk melts into something gentle, genuine. “Congratulations. Really. You’re free from this hellhole, once and for all.”

You dip your head at the Vagastrom captain, “Can’t wait for it to be your turn.”

“One year to go, then,” Sho says, appearing behind Leo. He grins, waving a sunflower stalk at you. “One year without our precious senpai coming to bother Vagastrom.”

“You better appreciate that one year.”

“You bet we will,” Leo says, without any real heat, and you share a laugh as Sho presses the sunflower into your hands.

Its stem is wrapped with a stiff yellow ribbon printed with the name of their house. You rub it between your fingers. “Which poor first year did you torture into doing this for you?”

Leo shrugs. “Bunch of ‘em. Said it was for the seniors, and they jumped at the chance.”

“Uh-huh,” you say, unconvinced, but before you can probe further Sho’s eyes flicker somewhere behind you.

A smile unfurls across his face, large and mischievous, and he bobs his chin to your left. “Someone’s waiting for you.”

You turn around, eyebrows furrowed – who is there left in this school who would look for you, Ritsu, Ren? – but then you see him.

He’s holding a small bouquet of sunflowers and white roses, laced with baby’s breath and bells of Ireland. There are whispers from some of the students around you, a gasp of recognition from a Hotarubi student or two as he steps forward. The purple Darkwick tie, never once worn when he was still a student, is loosely tied around his collar, slanting slightly to the right like he has tugged on it more than once under the dark grey suit he has chosen for the occasion.

You don’t notice the pinpricks in the corner of your eyes until he blurs into a mess of green and white and grey. “Oh,” you gasp, and he is there instantly, fingers brushing traitorous tears from your cheeks.

He laughs, palm still cradling your cheek, and even though you knew he was coming, the aw-shucks grin he gives you still puts an all-familiar lump in your throat.

“Congratulations, princess,” Haku says, soft and warm. “Well done.”

December 29 - Darkwick Academy Distance left to destination: 464km

It is eight thirty-four in the morning.

Haku stands, hands on his hips, in the middle of your dorm room. There are two duffle bags by his feet.

For what amounts to two years of living in the cathedral, you have fairly little belongings.

You’ve given most of your items away, of course, in preparation for your move cross-country. All that are left are your clothes, stuffed neatly into a nearly-bursting medium-sized suitcase waiting by the door, and the gifts from various ghouls you’ve accumulated over the years.

“Ready?” Haku asks. He gathers both duffle bags in one hand. In one of them is a notebook, given to you by Zenji before he, too, left.

You turn to survey the bare room. You wonder, for a moment, who the next person to inhabit the room will be like - what they will be cursed with - before you turn back to face Haku.

He is glowing, almost, in the morning light. His grey Hotarubi sweatshirt is rumpled, sleeves pushed halfway up his forearms and creased slightly where his overnight backpack is hung on his left shoulder. He looks at you, head cocked to one side, fond, sleep lines from where he slept on your pull-out sofa the night before etched into the soft of his cheek.

If you haven’t already been planning this road trip for the past two months over text you’d think he came straight out of a dream.

“Ready,” you say. You pick up your winter coat and his, and sling your backpack over your shoulder. The bouquet he gave you the previous day peeks out from the top.

Haku nods. He holds the door open for you as you wheel your suitcase over the threshold of the room. The door clicks closed behind the both of you.

He takes the suitcase from you, then, carrying it easily in one hand down the rickety old staircase. The third step from the bottom creaks beneath his weight like you knew it would.

It creaks beneath your weight, too. You fish the key to the cathedral door out of your pocket as you reach the first floor. You leave it on the side table leading into the kitchen – the worker cats will retrieve it later today – and head towards the front door.

You expect something to change, then, some shift in the air that tells you your time in Darkwick is over, but nothing happens as you emerge out into the watery grey sunlight. You wonder why you expected it to.

Haku’s car is parked, slanted, on the driveway outside the cathedral. The bright yellow permission slip you obtained from Professor Hyde the week before for Haku flaps flimsily in the wind, held back by the wiper on his windshield.

He unlocks the car, loads your belongings into the trunk. The wind brushes his bangs away from his face.

It is eight forty-three in the morning. He looks at you, again, patient, understanding, like he always does.

You exhale. You look back at the cathedral, one last time.

Then you walk over to where Haku whisks you away from Darkwick, as swiftly and as kindly as he did whisking you in.

December 29 - Hakone, Kanagawa Distance left to destination: 365km

It starts snowing a little before Haku pulls into the parking lot.

Being in Darkwick for most of the year means you’ve forgotten what the weather outside is like, sometimes. The powdery snowfall encases the both of you in silence as you shake out your winter coats and trudge up the stone steps, bowing your heads as you pass under the red torii.

The shrine is deserted. Whether it is because of the snow or the time of year you’re not really sure; after all, why come out to a shrine a few days before the end of the year when you’re going to visit again on the first day of the new year?

But it is peaceful and quiet, something you have no complaints about, and before long you’ve made your way up the long stairs and are standing in front of the main hall, heads bowed in respect.

This is the reason why Haku suggested a road trip instead of taking the Shinkansen down to Kyoto – to bring you to all his favourite shrines around the country on the way down. Your stops, carefully mapped out over Wickchat and Google Maps, are few but meaningful to him, planned out so that you’ll move into your new apartment before Subaru’s first performance of the year at Minamiza Theatre.

Haku hasn’t told you the reason for any of the stops, but you can more or less guess his reason for this one; as you descend a different set of stone steps, a tall red torii comes into view, half-submerged in water. Snow drifts into the darkness swirling around the feet of the gates, blurring into the red paint before disappearing on contact with the lake. What lies beyond the gate has been shrouded in mist, a white haze obscured by the oncoming snow.

It looks like some path to the afterlife, almost. Maybe some sort of adventure into the unknown. God knows you’ve had enough adventures to last a lifetime, though.

You hear Haku exhale. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

You nod. Perhaps it looks like something out of a myth.

He points, off to the side, at a strangely shaped rock a distance away from the main path. “Remember when you asked about the scar on my knee? Scraped it right there, running away from my grandfather.”

You huff a laugh at the image of a little Haku, eyes alight with mischief, dancing out of the grasp of adults. “Didn’t manage to run too far, I guess?”

Haku laughs. He retracts his pointer to rub at his ear. “Not at all. Cried all the way back to the shrine before they bandaged me up.”

You stuff your hands deeper into the pockets of your coat so you will not reach for where his fingertips are turning red with the cold.

“I haven’t been back here in a while,” Haku continues, softer. His eyes are fixed on somewhere beyond the gates. “Not since he passed away.”

You watch as his breath clouds in the cold air. You stay silent.

He glances at you, eventually, small smile tugging on his lips and blinking the snowflakes out of his eyes. “Let’s go?”

After a second of thought you take your hand out of your pocket to loop your arm through his. You feel him shift in surprise, before he presses himself against your warmth. “Yeah.”

December 29 - Shimizu, Shizuoka Distance left to destination: 295km

It stops snowing a little after Haku pulls out of the parking lot.

The rest of the car ride to your next stop is filled with idle chatter and green grape gummies that you picked up from the general store on your way out of Darkwick. Haku keeps his eyes on the lightly frosted road as you feed him, lips barely brushing your pointer and your thumb. You keep your eyes on him.

You just finish telling him about a mission you did with Ritsu before he slows down, turning off the highway into Shimizu.

“We stopping for lunch?” You seal the pack of gummies.

He hums. “Sort of. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

You wince, and finger-comb through your hair. “I’m dressed for a car ride, not for meeting people.”

Haku sneaks a glance at you. “You’re beautiful, princess, don’t worry.”

You flush. “That- you-“

He laughs, light and warm, as he makes a right turn. “Just as easy to tease, after all this time.”

“Shut up,” you say, but his offhand compliment has already burrowed its way under your cheeks and heated them up the same way they always did back at Darkwick. Damn him and his smooth tongue.

You watch as the train stations flash by – Sakurabashi, Kitsunegasaki, Mikadodai – before he slows down next to Kusanagi Station. You glance at him in surprise. Are you heading to the Kusanagi shrine?

Before you can ask, however, he stops next to a nondescript beige building, throwing the car into park.

“We’re here,” he announces, and laughs again when you peek doubtfully at your reflection in the side-view mirror. “You look fine.”

He reaches over to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

If his fingers linger longer than they should on the shell of your ear, you pretend you do not notice. You pretend your ears do not blush, pretend your breath does not catch.

You exit the car.

There is an old, stooped lady by the restaurant counter when Haku slides the rickety wooden door open, back turned to you as she mops down a wooden table with a bright yellow cloth. All you can see is the checkered bandana resting atop a mop of curly white hair, and a faded red apron sash around her waist, wrapped tight around a stout figure.

“Miyami-san?” Haku calls out. His voice is soft, reverent.

“Ah?” There is obvious shock as she turns around. A startled delight washes over her face the moment her eyes alight on Haku, and she hobbles over immediately, hands outstretched and eyes waned into teary crescents.

“Haku, my dear boy,” she cries. She reaches forward to clasp his hands in her own, wrinkled and gentle. “My, my, you’ve grown taller, haven’t you?”

Haku half-laughs. “I haven’t grown since I last came back.”

The old lady laughs, too. “Perhaps it’s me who has grown smaller. And who’s this?”

“A friend, from Darkwick. I told you about her over the phone, remember?” Haku’s hand is warm on your elbow through your coat.

The old lady turns to you, peering kindly. “Yes, I do remember…”

You wonder briefly what Haku has said about you, but under the scrutiny of the old lady you hurriedly introduce yourself, bowing.

She claps, delightedly. “You both must be hungry, coming down from your school. I’ll whip something up for you real quick, shall I?”

“Anything you make will be delicious,” Haku intones, and he shoots her a charming smile that would have turned half of Hotarubi silly.

It works on her as well, evidently, as she pats his cheek and makes her way to the back of the room.

“I used to come here all the time to hang out with her grandkids,” Haku says, removing his coat. His eyes follow her as she disappears into the kitchen, humming brightly. “They moved away when I was fifteen, though, but I just… kept coming. She’s more like a grandmother to me than my own grandma.”

He sweeps his fringe behind his ear, and rolls up the sleeves of his sweatshirt. His earrings brush the line of his jaw. “I stay here, sometimes, when I don’t want to go back to my family.”

You blink, looking around the restaurant. There are wooden panels lining the room, black ink on rectangle blocks to indicate the menu, but little else by way of decoration. “Here?”

Haku chuckles. He points to an entrance hidden by an egg-white curtain, tucked quietly into a corner by the back. “She has guest rooms, upstairs. She usually lets them out, but there tends to be no guests, at this time of year.”

You both agree on taking your overnight bags out from the car while Miyami-san is cooking, if only to save time. Haku stands, as if to help you, but you swat his hand. “Stay here. If she comes out and finds us both missing, how will that look?”

Haku just laughs, sitting back down in acquiescence, and looks up at you, chin in hand. He looks adorable, like this, adoring, and you are suddenly filled with a desperate wish that you could capture this image, forever. “Like we ran off like a couple of hormonal teenagers?”

You flush, and leave him without a response.

It doesn’t take long for you to gather his backpack and your duffel bag from the car, and as you slide the wooden door closed and toe off your shoes you hear murmuring voices low enough to make you still before the entrance curtain.

“Are you going to show her the shrine, then?”

A pause. “They’re going to be too busy preparing things for the New Year’s ceremony.”

She hums. “That’s true.”

“Miyami-san–” Haku starts, but she hushes him.

“I know, I know,” she says. “I won’t tell them you stopped by.”

Haku laughs, then, something soft and young and grateful. “Thank you. As always.”

There is a beat of silence, and you prepare to move, but her voice sounds again. “Who is she, to you?”

You hear the grin in Haku’s voice. “Why?”

“You know… you’re of age… it’s about time you bring someone home for me to meet.”

There is a rustle as Haku shifts around in his chair. “She’s one of the strongest people I know,” he says, slowly, “but she hasn’t had much control over her past few years. Now that she’s free of all that, I’d like to leave as much up to her as possible.”

You tense. Your heart hammers in your chest, tight and painful, as his words trip over themselves, over and over in your brain. Does he mean–

“–she’s also listening around the corner, so I refuse to say anymore.”

You don’t think your cheeks have experienced this much blood-rush in a while. You poke your head out from behind the curtain. “How did you know!”

“The door isn’t exactly silent,” Haku points out, and the three of you dissolve into laughter.

There is something light and warm, there, born in the small of the room. It expands, a golden sort of feeling that stretches beyond the four wooden walls and settles, stardust-like, in the space between Haku’s hands and yours; it collapses, cools under your tongue into a memory bright and sweet and precious.

If you don’t give it a name, you think, perhaps you can continue pretending that being by Haku’s side does not feel like home.

December 30 - Shimizu, Shizuoka Distance left to destination: 295km

There is a saying – what is a handspan away feels most like a world apart.

Haku sits, two handspans away. He is looking up at the ceiling, squinting against a lightbulb he changed prior to breakfast. It’s a different colour from the rest, a cool white against the warmth of the other, older bulbs in the restaurant, and it washes him in a faint crisp light.

“Well, at least it’s not blinking anymore,” Haku says. His elbows rest against the table.

Miyami-san sighs, forlorn. “I’ll have to write down the model number so I can buy the correct bulb next time. What time are you planning to head out?”

Haku leans over to you, taps the screen of your new phone you both spent an hour setting up last night. It lights up, displaying a blurry photo of Haku trying to take a selfie with you, overlaid by the time in white.

“In about twenty minutes? I’ll wash up before we go,” Haku insists, getting to his feet. “You’ve been more than lovely making us breakfast.”

He sweeps everything up into a pile before she can protest, and disappears, whistling, into the kitchen.

“Haku’s a good boy,” she sighs, as you watch him go. She stretches, and leans backwards. “Before he left for school he always helped me with all the odd jobs around the house. Changed all my lightbulbs for me, too.”

You laugh. “Sounds like Haku.”

She adjusts the strap of her apron. “He’s so smart, too. Made the top of his class whenever he put his mind to it.”

You suppress a smile. If you didn’t know better you’d think she was a grandmother eager to market her bachelor grandson off to the next available singleton.

“And responsible, too,” she continues. “Good thing he is, what with the shrine business.”

She peeks at you, and you quickly school your widening smile into something more presentable. “Has he told you about the shrine?”

You nod. You can hear Haku, more than a few handspans away, soft humming barely audible over the sound of running water in the kitchen. “The Kusanagi shrine.”

She hums. “He’s going to take over from his family one day. He’s going to be a better leader than his father is.”

A silence lapses over the both of you. They’re both true statements, you know, and yet there is something nagging at you about the mention of his father.

“Miyami-san,” you start, carefully. “If I may ask… what’s his family like?”

“His family?” She turns her head thoughtfully to the curtain that hides the kitchen from the restaurant, and is silent for so long you wonder if you’ve overstepped.

You are about to mumble a hasty apology when she turns back to you.

“They expect a lot from him,” she says, softly. “There’s a great many responsibilities that fall your way when you inherit a shrine. His father had to shoulder it, and his father before that, and so on. He may be running away from it now, but eventually it’ll have to be his turn, and I think in the back of their minds they all know it.”

You want to nod, but it feels like the wrong thing to do. Running away… except he isn’t, not really. Everything Haku did at Darkwick, every skill you’ve seen him practise and every responsibility you’ve seen him manage in Hotarubi, felt like he was building himself to take over the shrine – from his artifact to the research for his missions to all the summer festivals he helped manage. Even now, from what you understand of his work, it seems like what he has chosen to do is in preparation for him to take over.

“He’s more prepared than they think,” you say. “He works hard, even though he acts like he doesn’t.”

She looks at you a little more sharply, then. There is a cool appraisal behind her squint, before it melts into something like approval. “He does, doesn’t he.”

Before you can respond, though, Haku emerges from the kitchen, running a hand through his hair. “Talking about me?”

“You wish,” you say, and are rewarded immediately with the sparkle of his laugh.

He pauses next to your seat before picking up his backpack. His hand nearly brushes yours. “Ready to head out?”

You stand. Your hand nearly brushes his, a world apart. “Ready.”

December 30 - Nagakute, Aichi Distance left to destination: 175km

“Hard disagree – we turn left here – you’re only saying that because my name is Haku.”

You squint at the alleyway in front of you dubiously. It’s bathed in the last rays of evening, a dying honey from the setting sun that does nothing to ward off the winter chill, and it seems to lead to yet another street that looks oddly similar to the one you’re about to leave. “Are you sure?”

But Haku is already stepping forward, Google Maps winking into sleep on his phone screen, and so you follow behind. The thrift shop he is searching for is supposed to be a mere ten minute walk from where you left the warmth of the Ghibli Park, but you swear you’ve been wandering around for at least twenty minutes.

“Anyway, no, it’s because he’s a river spirit–“

Haku glances at you, eyebrow raised. “I’m not a river spirit.”

“-and he’s supposed to know a lot about the spirit world.” You huff at him, and he laughs in acquiescence. You reach the end of the alleyway; Haku squints against the reflection of sun on his phone and directs you to turn right.

“And he spent a lot of the movie using that knowledge to protect and save Chihiro, didn’t he?” you continue. You look down at your feet even though the evening light is no longer shining directly into your eyes. The worn grey of the road winks at you as you cross residential street. “Like you did with me.”

Haku is silent for a beat, before he says, lightly, “I think I’m much more like Howl.”

You cannot hold back your snort. “Because how he gets all the girls?”

His responding laugh is startled and bright. “C’mon now, princess. Howl only ever loved Sophie, in the end.”

He looks at you, brows raised, like there is something you are supposed to understand, but after a moment of expectant silence too laden for you to consider you swallow the whiskey-burn of his eyes and turn away.

“Is it nearby?” you ask, instead. You push the ice blocks you used to call hands deeper into your coat pockets, and push your gaze back down to the grey asphalt under your feet.

Haku unlocks his phone in response. “One more block to go. Sorry, you must be tired.”

You shake your head.

“We’ll get dinner after this, then crash out,” he decides, anyway. “We had an early start today, and we’ve done a lot.”

(You stopped earlier in the day at Atsuta Shrine to pay your respects before heading down to Ghibli Park, and briefly heard a guide explain about the great Kusanagi sword supposedly stored in the halls.

“Oh, my Kusanagi sword is great, alright,” Haku snorted under his breath; you smacked him on the shoulder and dragged him, holding back giggles, towards the exit before you got struck down for blasphemy.)

After two more minutes of sleepy residential buildings, you spot the orange signboard of the thrift store, hanging from a black rod above a shuttered flower shop. There is a chalkboard leaned against the side of the flower shop with carefully scrawled yellow letters and arrows directing you to a staircase around the back. Going up the concrete steps leads you to a wooden door with a heavy handle.

Haku tugs the door open, and gestures for you to go inside.

The store is swathed in yellow and orange, thanks to the narrow spot-light beams installed on the ceiling. The wooden shelving look old but well-cared for under carefully stacked clothes, a small contrast to the adjacent metal frames sagging with hangers of coats and jackets. There are mirrors gently leaned on the walls at strategic places throughout the store, reflecting the warm light from the ceiling and making the space look bigger than it actually is.

A man in a beanie looks up from where he is slouched over the cashier, and waves a silent welcome that you both acknowledge.

“One of my seniors told me this place has a good curation of sweaters,” Haku says, turning to study the racks. He picks up a bomber jacket in olive green, inspects it, then sets it down. “You’ll probably need more winter wear too, now that we don’t get climate control. But we’ll also stop at another place when we get to Kyoto, just so you can get some new clothes to wear around Subaru.”

You nod, and dutifully turn your attention to the racks, fingers running across the soft fabrics draped neatly on dark metallic hangers.

You’re looking at a cardigan the colour and texture of dawn clouds when Haku appears again at your elbow. “Look at this one.”

He holds up a sweater in washed out sage. It’s slightly fluffy, sleeves softly melting into a cream. When you reach out to touch it it’s impossibly softer than it looks.

“It’s cute,” you say. Its sloped shoulders are wide; you hold the pale green fabric up to his shoulders. “It looks your size, too.”

Haku hums in agreement. He takes the sweater, gently, from your fingers, and turns it around, lining the edge of its shoulders up with yours.

“I think it looks cuter on you,” he says. The honey of his eyes sparkle with mirth as he nudges you to face the mirror. “Like you’re stealing your boyfriend’s clothes.”

You feel a fire climbing up your cheeks immediately, and you glare at Haku, heatless and helpless, as he bites back a laugh. He shifts away, grinning brightly, and leaves you staring in the mirror with the sweater folded between your hands.

There is barely any evening light left over from golden hour, the last of the sun’s rays having died shortly before you stepped indoors, but the green of Haku’s hair is still dyed a soft copper by the warm lights of the store. He stands, turning glasses frames over in his hands, under a spotlight beam and the drifting strains of jazz, blurred only slightly by the fingerprints in the mirror and the irregular bump of your heart.

The scene is so mundane it feels almost unreal – this Haku, suspended in glass and glow. His long fingers are not wrapped around his flute or dusty research tomes, but between folded jeans; his movements are slow and languorous, no longer bound by the urgency of missions or threat of curfew.

You could stare at him like this forever.

It is suddenly easy, so easy to imagine him elsewhere, you think – sorting through vegetables at a supermarket, folding laundry on the floor of his bedroom, doing anything and everything far and away from the drizzle of Hotarubi.

This Haku has all the time in the world.

So do you. So do you.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

“How does this look?”

The heat of his vowels slide across the shell of your ear, and you jump slightly, eyes flying open.

You are vaguely aware of a chunky grey frame, translucent acrylic that slips low on his nose bridge and blobs shadows on his cheeks, but his eyes have locked onto yours in the mirror as he leans down over your shoulder to peer at his reflection, cheek dangerously close to yours, so close that if you just turned, if you just—

It sends your heart crashing, thundering painfully, cruelly, through your throat, a weight and an untethering from the hypnosis of the moment all at once—

“You look stupid,” you say. Or think you do, anyway. You can barely hear yourself over the thunderous rushing in your ears. “Try– try this one.”

Your fingers scrabble for the closest frame on the shelf next to you, and hold them up to the mirror.

Haku laughs, a gentle huff that blows by your cheek as he lifts the frame out of your hand, and straightens back up to slip them on.

It’s gold-rimmed, this time, a thin wire frame that catches the warm spot-lighting of the store and soaks a glow into his skin. The rounded rectangular shape sits well on his cheekbones, faded gold temples disappearing into his messy green hair.

You blink, and there is a fleeting glimpse of sun-spots and crow’s feet, of salt-and-pepper hair melting into green, of laughter creasing itself into deep-set wrinkles in the corners of his smile. He is looking at you, still, in the way he always has, this old-man-mirror-Haku, and something blooms, choking and sweet, in the hollow of your ribs.

Something shifts, then.

Eddies of a future you’ve never thought possible sing like the wind through the holes in your heart; they crash into you, a merciless tangle of relief and frustration and hope that steals the breath from your lungs you didn’t realise you were holding since leaving Darkwick.

The tremble of it’s over and your curse is well and truly over courses through the map of your veins, and winds its way across where your eyes meet Haku’s through the mirror. The words crack themselves in half, split to show you a future so wide and open and yet so certain it threatens to swallow you whole – of you, alive and un-cursed and getting to grow old. Of you-and-Haku, hand-in-hand, getting to growing old together, looking up at the same sky.

“-what do you think?” Haku is saying. His eyes are crinkled up in something you think might be fondness or affection, or something equally hopeful and terrifying.

It looks good on you, your mouth moves on its own accord, you should get it, but that is as far as you get before he blurs together in a sear of tears.

Haku moves immediately, hand on your elbow spinning you around to face him. His eyes search yours in alarm and concern and confusion, but to both your surprise a laugh bubbles out of you, quiet and free.

You raise a hand to brush his bangs away from his forehead, and he leans into your touch, in spite of his bewilderment.

“It looks good,” you say again, and you mean it.

(He buys the glasses, of course, and three sweaters you said you liked. You leave the thrift shop with paper bags in hand, yet somehow feel a lot lighter than you did going in.)

December 31 - Kuwana, Mie Distance left to destination: 99km

The numbers on the dashboard read a glowing ten thirty-eight.

The highway stretches before the windshield, a wide belt that melts into the distance. It is empty, save for the occasional cargo truck Haku passes, and the glare of the noon sun reflecting off its smooth grey surface is enough to turn every travelling vehicle into a mini-oven despite the season.

Haku adjusts his grip on the steering wheel. He reaches, slightly, to wind his window down to let some of the cool winter air in, but his fingers pause before they reach the switch.

He peeks at where you are asleep, head resting on the passenger window and eyelashes brushing the soft of your cheek. He retracts his hand.

He reaches, instead, with his other hand to the air-conditioning controls, and turns the dial towards “COOL”.

The numbers on the dashboard wink into ten thirty-nine.

The packet of strawberry gummies on top of the winter coats folded in your lap crinkles slightly, then slides from where your grip has slackened. It has long since been emptied, with you taking turns to tuck the candies between your lips and his, and its lack of weight slips it neatly between your seat and the centre console.

Ren recommended them, you said, an hour back, holding one up to his lips. They’re good, aren’t they?

Haku smiled, tamped down the familiar knot that swelled with any reminder of the years you spent at Darkwick without him by your side, and nodded. They’re pretty sweet.

You grinned and tapped the large yellow zero printed atop ruby-red strawberries. No sugar, too!

No, he thinks, now – perhaps the sugar had been in the brush of your fingertips against his lips. Perhaps it had been in the glitter of your laugh as you listened to him tell you some work story or another, or in the way the sun had bounced off the dashboard and lit you up all over, all soft glow and contentment as you slipped another gummy between the pink of your lips.

For a moment, he wonders if you will taste like strawberry, if the curve of your smile will be just as sweet as it looks when pressed against his own–

He shakes his head, to clear it.

Haku is a patient man. Ceremony is in his bones; he is good at waiting his turn, good at calculating consequences, good at following the rules.

Except for when he isn’t. Except for when he texted you, midway through your last semester, to ask which branches of the Institute has offered you a job in hopes that he can persuade you to take up some position near his own. When he asked you, two months before graduation, to drive down to Kyoto with him instead of taking the train, just so he gets three days with you by his side after so many days apart.

When he took one look at you, that night on the train from Kisaragi Station, and took your hand and held it all the way to Darkwick.

Maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is impulsivity. Maybe it is irresponsibility, and maybe it is the reason why, try as he may, they will never deem him ready to take over the shrine, but oh, when he looks at you–

He is a patient man. He will be a patient man. He has waited two long, excruciating years without you, and he will continue to wait, for as long as it’ll take until you’re ready.

The numbers on the dashboard wink into ten forty-three.

Haku reaches over, again, to turn the air-conditioning dial further down.

His gaze brushes against the new air freshener you bought him the day before at the gift shop. It smells of “clean” and “fresh”, whatever that’s supposed to mean, and he can barely catch its scent, but you unwrapped it the moment you got into the car and hung it neatly on the rearview mirror, and he cannot help but feel some fondness for something that brings you joy. Even if it’s just a small piece of cardboard with a white dragon and a girl printed on it.

He would have chosen a different one, himself. He would have picked the one with Howl and Sophie - someone who learns how strong she really is, and someone who has waited a lifetime to love her.

You stir in your sleep, shifting slightly so your head is no longer pressed against the passenger window. The numbers on the dashboard wink into ten forty-four.

Haku takes the next exit off the highway, and wonders if you remember that in the movies, Chihiro saves Haku, too.

December 31 - Uji, Kyoto

Distance left to destination: 21km

“Haku!”

The guy that emerges from the shrine’s prayer hall has a smile only one shade dimmer than the sun. He waves energetically at Haku and you, hands padded in red gloves a stark contrast with his navy blue haori, and bounds over to you.

“Thought you weren’t coming back for another two days!” the man says, beaming. “We’re prepping the omikuji right now, like you told us to.”

Haku chuckles, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. “That’s good. I’m not back for work, though, I’m just here to show my friend around.“

The man looks at you curiously, and he looks so oddly familiar you could have sworn you’ve seen him somewhere before. He tilts his head to one side, like he’s working through the same puzzle you are, before it clicks–

“Honour student!” he exclaims, and claps his hands. “Didn’t expect to see you here!”

Haku laughs, and shifts closer to you. “Darkwick just had their commencement ceremony, so I’m helping her settle into her new apartment soon.”

Koji – the name comes to you in a flash, a vague impression of a Hotarubi general student floating to the top of your mind from when he helped Haku on a mission once – wiggles his eyebrows. “Will it be near to us?”

Haku looks at you, thoughtfully. “The Institute put her in Kyoto, near Subaru, but I suppose…”

Before he can finish the thought, however, a soft holler comes from an open window in the back of the sales hut. “Oi, heartbreaker!”

A man sticks his head out of a back door. He looks pleased to see Haku, and disappears for a few seconds before emerging from the wooden doors, wrapping himself in a warmer coat.

He waves a sheath of papers at Haku as he walks over. “We’re more or less ready for tomorrow, but I need you to sign a couple things–“

Haku moves over immediately, head bent over the documents, and leaves you in company of Koji.

“Heartbreaker?” You murmur, and Koji beams.

He nods his head, fluffy hair bouncing in his enthusiasm. “That’s Haku! Didn’t he tell you? When he first joined, half the local girls who came up to pray during Lunar New Year instantly fell in love and we had to barricade the shrine and defend ourselves with swords so our Haku wouldn’t get overrun–“

“Koji,” the other man says, severely, “stop making things up.”

Koji pouts, and you have to bite your lip to keep from smiling. “Anyway, he’s built up quite a following among the locals. It’s good for business, though.”

“I can imagine,” you say, and you can–

Haku, looking out the sales window next to the shrine, chin in hand and head slightly tilted as people come up to buy omamoris. The way the honey of his eyes will crease, slightly, as he smiles at their approach. The soft of his hands as he counts out their change, and wishes them a good day.

Haku, head bent over a candle box before he reaches in to select an appropriate one. The curl of his long fingers over theirs as he presses the candles into their palm, a blessing, a benediction, conferred with intent. The soothe of his voice as he comforts them, wishes them well, after.

Haku, this Haku that belongs to the people, whose heart swells with their aches and whose words are carefully chosen to quell them. This Haku, who works for the people by day, and works for them still by night.

Haku looks up from where he is flipping through documents, pen in hand, and grins as he meets your eyes. “Maybe we should spread word that my heart already belongs to someone else.”

Your cheeks burn immediately, and you open your mouth to stutter out a reply, but Haku’s senior beats you to the punch.

“Disgusting,” he mutters fondly, barely louder than Koji’s awww, then flips a page for Haku. “Sign here, then get out of my sight. Word from HQ is that you’re on four concurrent missions in January, so make the best of your break.”

Haku groans. “Best go pray for my own damn safety, then.”

His senior rolls up the freshly signed document, then raps him smartly on the head. “No cursing on shrine grounds. Come on, Koji, you’re still not done with the omikujis.”

Haku grins, rubbing his head where he got tapped, then turns to face you as Koji is dragged, mumbling in protest, back to the hidden back doors. “Shall we?”

The rest of the shrine is fairly quiet. Sunlight dances through the bare branches as you cross the courtyard and duck around some gates to the main shrine. There are rabbits printed on cream-coloured lanterns attached to the gates, faded slightly by the elements and swaying in the wind. They look like they are dancing in greeting as you pass them.

The main shrine Haku comes to a stop at is up a set of steep stone stairs. It is covered with wooden slats, painted warm by the noon light. If you didn’t look too closely you’d think the structures inside were glowing by themselves.

Haku fishes out coins from his pocket, and hands one to you. He leans forward to shake the thick rope after you toss your coin into the wooden offering box, then you both bow and clap twice.

You have so many things to wish for that you almost don’t know where to start, but the words flow out of your heart faster than you can think, afloat with intent and hope – for Haku to be safe. For Haku to be happy. For all the ghouls you’ve helped and been helped by to be happy and healthy. For all the anomalies they’ll run into to be a little less fatal, for the anomalies themselves to be safely captured and treated well. For all their futures to be a little less perilous, a little more secure.

For your future to be a little less dangerous, too. For your future to hold warm soup and cosy evenings, for your days to hold laughter and ease and familiarity, for your nights to hold home and sighs and moonlit dances across the kitchen floor with Haku–

Your eyes flutter open, and you bow, quickly.

Best to not hope for too much.

You sneak a glance at Haku. His head is still bowed, hands still pressed together. He is washed in the bright of sunlight unshaded by winter’s branches, and in the silent sun-stirred dance of dust motes around him he looks almost like a painting.

His bracelets shine a radiant translucence as they catch and absorb the sunlight, nearly covering most of a scar underneath. Your heart twinges slightly – you were there when he got injured.

It was to save you, really, some tiny anomaly or another changing directions and hurtling towards you with a vengeance. If Haku didn’t knock it off its trajectory with the back of his hand… you can’t imagine what would have happened.

Instead, you’d brought him home to Hotarubi and carefully cleaned his cuts and wounds, and stayed with the soft glow of his smile and the even softer glow of his words, well into the night. He’d murmured gentle reassurances into the quiet of the night, thigh pressed up against yours as you sat side by side and looked out onto the still Hotarubi gardens; yet the feeling of guilt has never gone away, cementing itself into the cracks of all that you owe him.

I’m sorry, you said, again, for the fiftieth time that night. If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t have gotten injured.

He had laughed before a ghost of pressure landed against your temple, so soft you think to this day you’d imagined it. Anything for you, princess. Stop worrying about it.

It sent your heart racing, back then, his words wild fireworks popping in your throat.

The same way his words send your heart racing, now.

Maybe we should spread word that my heart already belongs to someone else.

You exhale. Haku has never hidden his affection for you, not really – whether it was proclaimed in front of a beaming Zenji or murmured into the drizzle of Hotarubi, the flirtatious comments you once believed were just part of his personality or simply lavished onto everyone you eventually realised were only ever directed to you.

And you understood it, back then, the same way you understand it now. Haku has never been shy about you. How much of it was guilt over bringing you to Darkwick and a burgeoning sense of responsibility for your curse, you will perhaps never know, but this is what you know now, after two years of turning the thought of Haku over and over in your mind:

That you never agreed to start because you were always afraid of the end. That you perhaps wished he would forget about you after his time at Darkwick, if only to make things easier for him after your transformation into the Kyklos; that you wished to forget about him, too, after his time at Darkwick, if only to avoid the real possibility of Haku finding someone else.

But now your last page has been ripped out, a future of a curse torn out by your very own hands and shredded into the wind… now that you’re out and free (albeit still working for the Institute) and ready to rewrite your own ending…

Haku looks up from his hands, and bows. He turns to you, smile fond and sweet, and extends a hand to help you down the steps. “Ready?”

You take his hand, lace his fingers into your own. The word on your tongue turns into a candle turns into a lantern turns into the sun. “Ready.”

December 31 - Uji, Kyoto Distance left to destination: 19km

You cradle your hot cup of tea in your palms.

The cold of the bridge railing beneath your elbows seep past your coat and into your bones. The last of the sun’s rays cast a glow on the trees on the opposing shore, turning them into a sea of reddish-gold, but they do little to warm you as you watch the sun sink below the horizon.

Haku rests, one handspan away, identical cup nestled between his hands.

“This is my favourite place to watch the sunset,” he says. “You can see the train tracks and the Uji Bridge from here.”

A train rumbles by in the distance as he says it, slicing the scene in half. It takes a few seconds before the sky meets the river again.

“I think about bringing you here, all the time,” he says, quietly. He shifts the cup to his other hand. “I come here after work sometimes, and stay until the sky is dark and I can see the stars. Then I wonder about whether you’re looking at the same stars, too, in Darkwick.”

You both watch the sun creep steadily downwards, meeting its wavering counterpart in the water.

Haku exhales. He does not look at you. “I’m glad you’re here.”

His words wrap around you, hushed and gossamer. How much you’ve thought about him, too, looking up at the night skies as you dragged yourself back to the cathedral.

Whenever you walked out from Hotarubi, shutting your one-person umbrella and looking up at the moon, you’d think of him.

The way he’d walk you back, shoulder to shoulder as if you were still sharing an umbrella. The way he’d look at you, moonlight tangled into his eyelashes and the arc of his hands, the way he’d smile like the night was a secret only the two of you shared. The way he’d sit you down on the campus stone benches to talk about your missions with other houses, the way he’d reassure you, again and again, that whatever you were doing was enough. That you were enough.

The memories twist themselves onto your tongue. You do not look at him, either, when you say, “Me too.”

The last sliver of sun slips away, and then it is gone.

The conversation turns to seeing Subaru on stage in two days and what flowers you plan to get him, then to your new Institute-funded apartment, a small place buried near a Galaxy Express station, and the furniture you plan to get.

You wonder out loud how long the Galaxy Express would take to get to Uji if you and Subaru were to come visit, as compared to taking the regular train from Kyoto Station. It’s already a very short distance, you think, but maybe it’d take half the time.

“It takes sixteen minutes from Kyoto’s HQ,” Haku says. He taps the top of his now-empty cup with a long finger. “Or twenty-two, if you count the time it takes to walk back to my apartment.”

“Damn, these cats really know how to run a railway line.”

Haku laughs, quiet and breathless, before he says, “Move in with me, instead.”

You pause, cup halfway lifted to your lips. You lower your hand.

“It’s only a slightly longer commute,” he murmurs, “and you won’t have to buy new furniture.”

He looks at you, eyes full of morning sun. You read in them something that feels a lot like a future.

You won’t have to spend your nights alone in a drafty old room anymore. We will not have to untangle ourselves at the end of the day, and pretend we do not want to stay. Now that I’ve spent three whole days with you I don’t know how I’ve ever managed without; it feels like I’m never going to be able to go back.

You exhale.

This is how it has always been - this is how the two of you are - him building a bridge between you both and reminding you that if you ever want to cross it, if you ever need to cross it, he will always be on the other side, waiting.

He waits, now.

For a moment, you think you are brave.

Ready?

But the moment passes, and the words that have swelled up on your tongue are familiar and terrifying and comforting and too heavy and mean too little and too much, all at once, and you swallow the waves that rise up in your lungs, and you close your eyes, and you pretend you are not in love with him, have not been in love with him since he held your hand in the dark of a train carriage three-odd years ago.

“Imagine the paperwork,” you say, instead, and Haku leaves it at that.

December 31 - Uji, Kyoto Distance left to destination: 16km

Haku’s apartment is small, but homey.

It is much more modern that you expect it to be, and feels infinitely more Haku than any Hotarubi dorm could. The kitchen you step into is tiny but sleek, with just enough space to fit a boiler, a tea set and an induction cooker before ending at a large fridge. The green glow on the microwave tucked onto a shelf a bit higher than eye-level reads eleven forty-two.

He lucked out on the Institute lottery, he tells you, setting his keys in a bowl on the kitchen island and flicking on the kitchen lights – where others only get a studio apartment he at least gets a bedroom attached to the living and dining area. Ghoul perks, perhaps.

Where you expect a kitchen island is instead a mountain of books, shuffled neatly into piles not unlike what you used to be greeted with in his old dorm, bookmarked full with post-its covered in his chicken-scratch writing.

You pick out a barely-used blue post-it pad from a pile of neon-yellow ones, and run your thumb over the winking tanuki in the background. “Is this the one I bought for you, back on that shrine mission?”

Haku peeks over your shoulder. His laugh brushes your ear, soft and warm, before moving away to roll your luggage into the living room. “Yeah. I can’t bear to use it much, though. It feels as though I should treasure it.”

You snort, looking up at him. “I can always buy you another one.”

“I’m not opposed to that.”

(You’d buy him one set everyday for the rest of his days, if he’d let you.)

Haku tucks your suitcase next to a soft grey sofa set opposite a plain white wall, and sets your duffle bag on a small wooden coffee table in between that looks like it hasn’t been dusted in years. “There are fireworks bound to start in about fifteen minutes. Wanna watch those on the balcony?”

You blink – you’ve almost forgotten that today is New Year’s Eve, what with all the sightseeing you’ve packed in today around Uji.

Haku tugs the pale blue curtains apart, revealing glass doors to a small balcony overlooking residential neighbourhood. The night is quiet, still, buzz of the city conspicuously absent from the streets despite the celebratory date and even though most households have their lights on and curtains pulled open in anticipation of the fireworks, you don’t hear much beyond the whistling of the wind when you step outside.

You settle against the railing on his balcony. “It’s so nice, here.”

Haku joins you. “When everyone’s lights are off, at night, you can see the stars.”

You tilt your head up. Haku’s apartment is high up enough the street lamps that you do not have to shield your eyes from their orange glow, and as you peer up at the heavens you see constellations slowly starting to take shape. “Wow.”

Haku shifts, closer. His shoulder is pressed up against yours. “Any New Year’s resolutions yet?”

You laugh. “Other than learning how to survive outside Darkwick?”

“That’s enough,” Haku says, softly. “Sometimes surviving is tough enough, on its own.”

You bite your lip, and look down at the street below. A stray cat dips in and out of the shadows.

“I’m going to be brave this year,” you tell him.

I’m going to be brave enough to face what’s coming. I’m going to be brave enough to decide what I’m going to do with my life, instead of obeying missives from a corrupted Academy and existing at their beck and call. I’m going to be brave enough to tell you what I really want to say, to build my own side of the bridge, to finally meet you on the other side.

Haku tilts his head to look at you, then. He raises a hand from where his arms have been crossed on the railing, long fingers tenderly tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear.

It sends daylight swirling down your spine, leaves you breathless and August-warm when you catch his gaze.

“I think you’re already plenty brave,” he says, quietly.

Before you can respond, however, the street explodes with noise. Windows are pulled open and chanting spills out onto the street, a clamour of three, two, one–

Tiny lights hang themselves across the sky, a mere flash before tightly packed colours dazzling as the sun explode across its inky canvas. Brilliant reds and blues and yellows and greens burst into bloom over and over again; they paint everything on the street with their glow. The distant booms and whistles of their journey travel through the neighbourhood, wind their way through the festivities and laughter and cheer.

It is at once so extraordinary and normal, this celebration of the Earth making its way around the sun yet again, that you find yourself giddy, smiling, joyful. You turn to look at Haku, tinted a faint red from the vivid glows in the sky, only to find he is already looking at you, gaze warm, fond.

You learnt once, on a mission with Jabberwock, that firecrackers and fireworks set off during New Year were as much meant to scare away the bad things as they were to celebrate the good.

I think you’re already plenty brave.

In the bright of the night his words soak into your skin.

Perhaps you are.

You lean up, and press a small kiss to the corner of his lips. This is me, building my side of the bridge. This is me, ready. “Happy New Year, Haku.”

His palm catches your cheek as you pull away. The spread of his smile, wide and bright and delighted, sends stardust settling into the hollow of your throat, sets its own fireworks off within the hollow of your ribs, pulls a smile onto your own cheeks. The gold of his eyes shine with something more than the pyrotechnics, something full of devotion, full of beginnings.

“Happy New Year,” Haku says, and leans in to kiss you again.

#tokyo debunker #haku kusanagi #tokyo debunker x reader #bangs pots and pans LONGFORM ROAD TRIP FIC IS HERE #SORRY this was meant to be in time for new year's but like #in my usual fashion im late lol #so have this in time for lunar new year #warnings i guess for canon divergence - mc doesn't die from the curse! as u can tell from the blurb asdjlkjsa #also i am AWARE this is my second haku fic in the alphabet series but like . i love haku can u rly blame me #also (lmao i have so many postscripts) this was written specifically with that one line in mind from new year's day #'don't read the last page but i stay when you're lost and i'm scared and you're turning away'#me with my haku lens on: idk i think it's very haku!#lin writes #anyways this is less a relationship pining fic than it is just me expounding on why i love haku #alphabet series

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yuzupoohn · 2 years ago

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I miss Yuzuru. I need FaOI to start now

^^also I love the Towa pictures

#yuzuru hanyu #figure skating #hanyu yuzuru #beijing 2022 #beijing rondo #figure skating talk #gift tokyo dome #the absolute goat of figure skating #yuzu #yuzuru #towa #yuzuru hanyu gift #zuzu #fuck the isu #fuck jsf

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cosmicdreamgrl · 3 months ago

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my gif wrapped 2024 🎊

(tagged by the lovely @raplinenthusiasts 💗, also there's an issue with the hyperlinks for some of these so bear with me)

january

jk season's greetings 2020: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/740314140498952192/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-2-cr-qdeoks

jk be room photoshoot: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/741033226949312512/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-6-𝘤𝘳-𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥

maknae line season's greetings 2020: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/740410109262479360/𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘮-𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴-𝘧𝘰𝘳-jkvjimin-𝘤𝘳-𝘲𝘥𝘦𝘰𝘬𝘴

february

jk gma butter performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/742945686277046272/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-16

jin hair colour comp: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/741312054517972992/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦-𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳-𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴-𝘴𝘦𝘰𝘬𝘫𝘪𝘯-𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯-𝘧𝘰𝘳

jk photo folio #1: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/741402180002643968/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-8-𝘤𝘳-0613𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘢

jk calvin klein s/s 2024: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/742492809125330944/ᴊᴜɴɢᴋᴏᴏᴋ-ꜰᴏʀ-ᴄᴀʟᴠɪɴ-ᴋʟᴇɪɴ-ꜱꜱ-2024

jk photo folio #2: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/742045664309100544/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-12

namjoon sbs super concert: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/742271804926836736/𝘨𝘰𝘵-𝘢-𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦-𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦-𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘮-𝘧𝘰𝘳-fireworksgalaxy-𝘤𝘳

jk mots on:e : https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/741774349097467904/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-11-𝘤𝘳-𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥

jk ptd in vegas: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/742167403998412800/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-13-𝘤𝘳-0613𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘢

march

jk mint hair: this was so pat coded it had to be done

jk golden album shoot: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/744485836050087936/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-25

jk for youth focus cam: one of my personal faves 💜

taehyung singularity tokyo dome: colouring this was- something alright

jk mots on:e (red): https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/744021436990144512/𝘢-𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭-𝘪𝘯-𝘳𝘦𝘥

taehyung black swan mv: yeah apryl asked for this basically

jin dna making film: when you randomly discover things that put your friends through it lol

jk calvin klein bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/744213439079202816/𝘫𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘬𝘰𝘰𝘬-𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘷𝘪𝘯-𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘪𝘯-𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨-𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘤𝘩-𝘧𝘰𝘳

jimin 5th muster japan: loved this fit on him, so pretty

ot7 tokyo dome: this was just something cute for me personally

april

jk dionysus stage mix: one of my all time fave comps wbk

jk mots on:e bts: because i love suffering, also i killed it with the colouring

jk snty music video: everything about this = perfection

jin butter mv making film: kayla coded to a t, was only right to make this for her bday imho

jk snty mv bts: the first of my 'he's doing nothing but this means everything to me' sets, also the suit ya'll already know

yoongi mots on:e concept photobook bts: god tier look wbk

jk mots on:e bts #2: he's too beautiful, it needed to be commemorated

black swan music video: the icon the legend the moment

jk sys in chicago making film: *sighs dreamily*

jk snty promo bts: idk how this got so much traction tbh

jin pink comp: the colour comps are some of my greatest work, truly

kim line black swan comp: an inspired idea, i'm glad it turned out as good as it did considering some of the obstacles that arose

jk x red comp: what started out as a gift for a friend turned into a passion project & i'll always be proud of myself for all the time and effort i put into these

may

namjoon mots persona comp: the platinum was a serve wbk

jk dope performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/751461327466283008/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-60

jk 3d focus cam: he knew what he was doing jfc

jimin mots on:e concept photobook bts: petition to remove egregious yellow tones in footage, please & thank you

maknae line mots persona album bts: colouring this was a lot of fun ngl

jk calvin klein bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/749830461725048832/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-53

jin 2016 muster bts: what's the funniest anecdote & why is it that kayla wanted to gif this and couldn't but i ended up being the one to do it and i'm not even biased towards this man lol

jk dna mv making film: this is my all time fave era/album/title track, are we surprised? didn't think so

ot7 gda 2020 vcr: it baffled me to know so many people didn't know this existed, like? how? but also i adore the colour grading here, really lent to a cool look in the end

jk dreamers mv bts: i couldn't have picked a more apt caption, also this will always be one of my favourites for multiple reasons

jimin lys in seoul: i'm shocked at the reception this got tbh, it was fun to experiment with the sparkle filter for the first time too

ot7 magic shop fukuoka dome: i needed to commemorate them performing one of my fave songs, it'll always remain close to my heart, i can promise you that

june

jk dynamite performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/754178882478964736/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-74

jk x blue comp: yes i made myself a bday gift, what about it

jk for youth focus cam (i could kiss myself for how well i coloured this i kid you not): https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/752729693819731968/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-64

yoongi fake love making film: this turned out really pretty, go me

jk mots on:e concept photobook bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/753996667118845952/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-72

jk run bts dance practice: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/754269074615418880/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-76

jk esquire mag making film: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/754360068637605888/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-77

jk weverse video (supposedly for jimin's bday, the way i snorted because who uploads a glorified thirst trap as a greeting? this man smh): https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/754540999335903232/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-79

july

jk amas 2021 bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/756079005119184896/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-82

jk x pink comp: first time trying out a different aspect ratio/layout, would turn out to be one i really liked going forward

taehyung on/black swan comp: i don't get enough credit for working around interesting camera work for the sake of my friends, truly

jk louis vuitton bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/757078260153729024/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-86

jk 5th muster: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/757168451251044353/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-87-𝘤𝘳-𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥

jk ytc in busan bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/757530749307060224/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-89

august

jk amas 2020 performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/757984205685882881/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-91

jk dna mv making film #2: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/758165380230430720/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-92

jk ptd on stage merch making film: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/759343208225538048/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-98-𝘤𝘳-𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥

taehyung singularity stage mix: clearly i love torturing people lol

jk ptd on stage vcr making film: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/760068022103932928/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-101-𝘤𝘳-𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥

jk x black pt.1 comp: did i need to make two of these? actually yes, all things considered plus it was for his birthday, i rest my case

september

jk sys in osaka: i needed this as much as pat did, i love him the most wbk

jk anpanman performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/762785921883111424/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-110

jk dna show champion: i don't know how this got as many notes as it did, but it's nice knowing other people appreciate him in this era

jk time mag dynamite performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/762151510446669824/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-106

jin vogue korea #1: yes i giffed the whole thing, it had to be done

jin vogue korea #2: these two looks are my personal faves

jk dicon mag 2020: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/761789209655869440/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-105

jk x purple comp: keeping this a secret was so hard, simply because i loved the end product so much & i stand by that

jin dionysus mma 2019: this needs no explanation i think

taehyung blue hair comp: 'tis the month of all the bday comps, this was also another fave, it's so aesthetically pleasing to look at

rap line mic drop comp: we love evolving, this compared to the very first comp i made of them? i'm just saying

jk x black pt.2 comp: the way i felt burnt out after finishing this but i'm glad i got through it

october

jimin lys in nyc: apparently i really love shiny/sparkly outfits

jk vogue mag bts: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/765594512321118208/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-114

taehyung army zip: again i love being a menace, on occasion anyway

vocal line dimple stage mix: one of my greatest works, it makes me miss making comps but......we won't get into it

jk lys in chicago bts: just the prettiest boy being made even prettier, need i say more

november

jk ctdv live butter performance: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/765956924981280768/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-115

jin sys md making film: he just looked good, enough said

jk ptd in seoul: best believe i put myself through it when making this, he's so fine, it's unfair

taehyung dynamite era comp: it's odd seeing how everyone loves this comp because if i'm being 200% honest, idk if i do. like, i did my best with it but just- oh well

jk prom party bts: i have loved him in this fit since i first watched this concert, case closed

hobi fake love: it's always the ones you make on a whim that do well, strange but true

jk airplane pt.2 mama 2018: https://cosmicdreamgrl.tumblr.com/post/768312360893120512/𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘫𝘬-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴-119

tagging: @cordiallyfuturedwight @jkvjimin @rjshope @btsiu @jung-koook

@kimtaegis @taehyunghobi & @btsjk-biased (no pressure as always)

#tag game #i'll admit that it felt really bittersweet to go back through my work #what do you do when you don't hate the art of creating but the time and effort no longer feels worth it #that's the conundrum i'm grappling with as the year comes to a close #and maybe i'll find the answer to it while i'm on my break #until then this was nice thank you julia for giving me a chance to appreciate everything i've done up until now

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yuzurujenn · 6 days ago

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[2025.02.25] GOETHE April issue - Yuzuru Hanyu Special 30th Birthday Edition

Cover Story

The cover shoot took place at a studio in Sendai, Yuzuru Hanyu’s hometown. That day, he had multiple media shoots, with ours scheduled last. Despite how tired he must have been, Hanyu entered the studio with a deep bow, saying, “Thank you for waiting! I look forward to working with you!” His thoughtfulness instantly captured everyone’s hearts.

The shoot spanned 20 pages and lasted for quite some time. Yet what left the editorial team in awe was his unwavering focus and astonishing ability to adapt to the photographer’s requests. He effortlessly absorbed each instruction and transformed it into expressions that far exceeded our expectations. In one of the most memorable shots, Hanyu holds his own pair of skates—a reflection of his deep love and passion for figure skating.

At the end of the shoot, he once again bowed deeply and said, “Thank you very much! Thank you for your hard work!” before swiftly leaving the studio. The entire team couldn’t help but burst into spontaneous applause.

Interview: Challenging a New Self

On December 7, 2024, professional figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu turned 30. Even now, he continues to train with greater intensity than when he won his Olympic gold medals. We delve into the mindset, beliefs, and unwavering determination at the core of a man who constantly strives to evolve and surpass himself.

Special Interview Part 1: "I Decided to Stick to What I Believe Is Right"

The Current State of Yuzuru Hanyu at 30

For Yuzuru Hanyu, Japan’s national skating treasure, there’s no need for empty flattery. It has been about two and a half years since he announced his professional transition in July 2022. As the executive producer of his own ice shows, he has completed three major productions: GIFT at the Tokyo Dome, followed by RE_PRAY and ECHOES OF LIFE. These monumental achievements brought him a sense of fulfillment that could only come from overcoming such grand challenges. Reflecting on his journey, Hanyu speaks calmly:

"It was both tough and fulfilling. Being thrown into a world of freedom also brought its own kind of restrictions and made me realize my own limitations. It’s been a journey of searching, reaching out, and finally starting to understand many things by my third year as a professional. My connection to visuals, projections, and how the stories link to the programs has deepened significantly. It feels like all the efforts I’ve made beyond skating—branching out, absorbing inspiration—are finally starting to grow into a solid trunk."

Stepping into a space where Hanyu performs feels almost reverent. Through his ice stories, he tackles the profound theme of the meaning of life itself. His wholehearted performances pose philosophical questions to modern society:

"I’ve always wondered about the meaning of my own life since I was young. By the time I became aware of myself, I already had a name and was already ‘living.’ My earliest memory is realizing I could blink on my own. That night, I wondered: What if I fall asleep and wake up as a baby again? Life is so intangible—you can’t even prove your own existence. Because life is so fleeting, I hope my performances can inspire people to reflect on life and what it means to be alive."

The right thing to do is to leave it to each and every once-in-a-lifetime encounter.

Hanyu’s pride in his method of expression is clear. Rather than conforming to expectations, he listens to his inner voice and translates that honesty into his performances. One example he mentions is his 2023 show RE_PRAY, which drew on video game worlds to portray the destiny that lies beyond the choices we make in life.

"Honestly, if I were choosing music just for those who supported me during my competitive career, I think I should have stuck with classical pieces. But I deliberately chose game music because I decided to stick to what I believe is good. As a result, game fans and people who hadn’t been interested in figure skating started to watch my performances, expanding the audience. Every time I create something, I want it to be something I genuinely love, something that resonates with me. I’d be happy if fans of those original works see my respect for them while also enjoying my performance as Yuzuru Hanyu’s unique form of entertainment."

His most recent show, ECHOES OF LIFE, combined piano compositions with contemporary dance and hip-hop to convey the idea that what seems like coincidence might actually be destiny.

"I’ve recently realized that with the right skills and creativity, a lot can be done even on ice. This time, I worked hard to bring movements I learned off the ice onto it. I constantly think about what I want to express at its core and try to translate that through figure skating."

When asked about future performances, Hanyu candidly admits to the uncertainties and evolving passions in his journey:

"Over time, my creative ideas may dwindle. There aren’t many things in life you can dedicate yourself to with complete passion. For me, it’s been figure skating, games, manga, and anime. But who knows? Maybe turning 30 will lead me to discover new interests. I think trusting in those chance encounters is the right approach for now."

Special Interview Part 2 "I Take Pride in the Fact That What I’ve Been Doing Is a Sport"

Being an Athlete Is My Foundation: The Profession of Yuzuru Hanyu

When breaking down what it means to be “Professional: Yuzuru Hanyu,” one thing becomes clear—he never cuts corners in creating captivating performances. His unwavering belief in figure skating as a sport underpins every intense and powerful routine.

"When I turned pro, I made it clear from the start: I am an athlete. Figure skating, while inherently an artistic sport, is a discipline in which the athletic aspect makes up about 80 percent. Without physical strength, you can't skate properly, and without technical skill, landing a quad is impossible. In Ice Story, doing two quads after skating for 30 minutes was nearly impossible. The most important thing for me as a pro is not to lean too heavily into the artistic side just because I’m no longer competing. I take great pride in the fact that what I have dedicated myself to is a sport. As an athlete, I strive for strength and the ability to inspire. I believe that my professional pride now lies in continuing to merge the inspiration drawn from the power of sports with the emotional impact of art."

When thinking of Yuzuru Hanyu during his competitive days, one imagines his hunger for victory and raw instincts on full display. While that aspect remains unchanged, what has evolved is his definition of "victory."

“Every time I create a program, I build it with the mindset that it’s impossible to complete. In a good way. Before, winning and becoming a champion was my main goal. Now, executing this program perfectly has become my challenge and my goal. If I can’t do it flawlessly, that’s my defeat. If I can, that’s my victory. Since an Ice Story performance doesn’t end in just one day, it motivates me to aim for perfection in every subsequent performance. It's like turning what I once thought was impossible into something possible within myself.”

How does he maintain such a consistently high level of motivation? The way he sets his goals reveals the essence of a truly exceptional athlete.

"Setting goals in life is very difficult. The closer the goal is, the easier it is to achieve, but the sense of accomplishment doesn't really generate a sense of self-efficacy. But if the goal is too far away, it feels unattainable, and every day just becomes a struggle. But for me, setting distant goals is more enjoyable in a sense, even if it means struggling along the way."

Searching Earnestly, Finding Value Within Himself

Despite his illustrious records, including two Olympic gold medals, behind those achievements lie countless failures and relentless trial and error. His fighting spirit, the ability to keep standing up after every setback, is rooted in witnessing the resilience of people rebuilding after the Great East Japan Earthquake—an event he experienced firsthand.

“Humans tend to remember negative experiences much more vividly, so forgetting failure is impossible. But every failure has a reason behind it. Maybe it’s because the goal-setting was wrong. But instead of giving up, I search for solutions—whether it's a lack of effort on my part, the wrong method of practicing, or even focusing on the wrong technical aspects. If I keep searching without giving up, I believe I can achieve it. It is really difficult to have the strength to believe. But like the people rebuilding from the Noto Earthquake or the Hibakusha who received the Nobel Peace Prize, I'm sure they are where they are today because they have continued to believe for so long. I experienced 3/11 firsthand, so I have a deep understanding of how powerful human belief can be. It sounds idealistic, but if you don’t give up, things will somehow work out. However, if you half-heartedly try without full commitment, nothing will change. That’s why it’s important to seriously search for what’s valuable to you and keep working on it steadily.”

I have more muscle, technique and knowledge now than I did when I was competing.

The daily routine to remain a top athlete. It was self-training six days a week, an average of more than five hours a day.

“I practice on the ice and train off-ice for about three hours every day. After a quick break, I sometimes train for another three hours, focusing on weightlifting—lifting barbells, swinging dumbbells, the typical weight training exercises. There is no time to relax. Sometimes, my exhaustion shows in my attitude. But I’ve learned to recognize when I’m pushing too hard and try to rest intentionally.”

While he was a fierce competitor during his active career, as a professional now, he’s also a solitary artist. His commitment has become second nature, and through it, he constantly transforms himself into a higher version of who he is.

“In figure skating, even sleeping needs to be considered part of your training. It wasn’t just about being a professional athlete; even during my competitive days, I had to structure my entire life around winning Olympic gold. That hasn’t changed. To be honest, I definitely practice more now than I did back then, I'm more toned, I have more muscle, and I have more technique and knowledge. It's fun to keep improving myself like that."

Valuing Every Small Moment Each Day

At 19, Hanyu won gold at the Sochi Olympics, and at 23, he achieved back-to-back victories at the PyeongChang Olympics. In his late 20s, he attempted the unprecedented quadruple Axel and made a fresh start as a professional skater. The 30 years of his life so far, marked by legendary achievements, are simply a continuation of his present, where he continues to live life to the fullest.

“I think I’ve always been fully focused on the present. From the outside, people probably think I’m someone with an incredibly strong core. But in reality, the thoughts and ideas surrounding that core can be quite fragile. When something bad happens, when I see something unpleasant, when someone says something hurtful… I waver easily. It’s easy for me to lose motivation for practice. But looking back on my 30 years, I think I’ve always managed to live through those wavering moments with care and keep going.”

Now at a pivotal age of 30, Hanyu describes himself as being "in his prime." His widened experience and perspective bring a deep sense of fulfillment.

“I finally feel like my knowledge, imagination, and physical ability are reaching a new level. There are still many times when my body doesn’t fully align with what I envision, but I've finally begun to grasp how to train in a way that moves me closer to that goal. When I set a goal, I think I have a pretty good understanding of the path to achieving it. But I'm sure when I'm 40, I'll realize that I still didn't understand anything back then. It feels like I’ll keep repeating that process forever.”

“I Probably Have a Stronger Sense of Anticipation for Tomorrow Than Most People"

How does he see himself as a professional skater moving forward? Aware of the ever-present risk of injury, his eyes remain fixed on the future.

“I think I probably have a stronger sense of anticipation for tomorrow than most people. That’s why I feel that if I don’t take responsibility for my actions today, tomorrow will only become more difficult. For example, I think my physical condition today is a direct result of what I did yesterday. I don’t know if this mindset comes from being an athlete. Honestly, in figure skating, even if I go to practice tomorrow, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to practice the day after. So, it's not that easy to draw a blueprint for the future. But, just as I’ve worked hard for the past 30 years, I want to keep valuing the little moments of each day. I hope that when I look back tomorrow, I can think, ‘I gave it my all today.’”

A life rich in experiences has shaped his intricate way of thinking. Yet, he still leaves room for the unexpected. For Yuzuru Hanyu, a one-of-a-kind skater, walking his own path with unwavering composure is, in itself, a continuous challenge.

Source: GOETHE Apr 2025 issue, pg 15, pg 87-101 https://goetheweb.jp/person/article/20250226-yuzuru-hanyu?heading=2 Info: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B0DRNR4BX6?tag=goetheweb-22

#hanyu yuzuru #yuzuru hanyu #羽生結弦 #figure skater #figure skating #goethe #magazine #interview #machine #translation #gucci brand ambassador

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