#Fully internalizing and analyzing why it's wrong- like I know it's wrong but I'm trying to get beyond just the basic ''its wrong because

[trans-leek-cookie]

its late-ish so my thoughts won't be well organized. Well they'll be even less well organized but anyway. I don't think murder is inherently like... Evil like it's not good but there are people who I believe the world is better off with them dead and I don't really care if it happens naturally or by another person's hand. But I can't stand the idea of fucking. Okay the specific concept I'm thinking about are "conscious rounds"- basically if someone was to be executed by firing squad there would be random guns with blanks so theoretically you might not have been the one to shoot the person to death. And I can't abide by that. Even if a murder is justified I don't think it can be justified by fucking self reassurance. I think if you are going to be involved in killing a person you should know exactly what you're doing. And I don't think this is like, something that will make people "better" necessarily (there are people who would prefer to know how they hurt someone and ended their life) but I think it's irresponsible to allow people to distance themself from the deaths they cause. And I think that's broadly true- we should be aware of like, the people who die or are hurt in the process of food, technology, clothing, etc. production because I don't think ignorance or self soothing does any good. Even if people don't care we need to know wether we want to or not.

And just. There are obviously more complex arguments that need to be made and refined and discussed but where I started with opposing the death penalty is internalizing that 1. Obviously, we aren't fucking clairvoyant- innocent people will die because of mistakes 2. Many of the ppl subjected to the death penalty will be marginalized and Black people are especially vulnerable because of antiBlackness) 3. The potential abuse of the system to falsely accuse people is enough to negate any possible "justice" the death penalty could provide and imo focusing on aiding the victims makes false accusations much less appealing because there is no longer* a punishment you can use to harm the person you accuse (idk how to exactly say this but like. I don't think punishment is inherently evil or whatever but 1. The state should not be allowed to use death as punishment 2. The punishments that currently exist (like jail) are largely fucking immoral on their own. Like if someone gets sued for damages that's its own thing. Sorry idk where I'm going with this but mainly there shouldnt be a legal way to get someone killed)

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[puropoly]

hiiiiiiii saw your last tag and I'm curious why you say that tiktok is bad and how that relates to you being a licensed psychologist? personally, when I had tiktok, there was a lot of nonsense being pushed as psychology or even medical advice so I think I get where you're coming from, but I don't want to assume.

It's partly that. I have a lot of clients coming to me explaining why they think they behave a certain way (i.e. "I yelled at my mom because I have unresolved childhood trauma", "I always do this because I didn't have friends at school") And while it's not wrong for one to try to understand why we do certain things (we analyze ourselves all the time), most of the time we don't reach accurate conclusions. There are many contextual (internal and external) reasons on why we do or experience things, and the best way to find out what that is is through behaviour analysis and functional analysis which is a thing we therapists do.

That said people on tiktok are always spreading bullshit on why people experience symptoms or act a certain way: "you feel anxious because your parents didn't make you feel safe when you were a kid" what if you feel anxious because you have hypothyroidism? what if you're anxious because you have an ongoing negative thought about yourself that you fully believe and guides your actions? things are never that easy to explain. Especially when it comes to behavior AND ANOTHER THING - minors should get away from unregulated social media YESTERDAY. You wouldn't believe the amount of young clients I've had tremendously harassed via social media, or partaking in risky behavior like talking to strangers ESPECIALLY adult strangers, or getting into fights or seriously threatening each other. It's utterly toxic, and I hate using the word toxic but it is. And many times the parents don't know or worse, diminish it as childish stuff

tl;dr: behavior is contextual and randos on tiktok create universal explanations on why people have symptoms/behaviors that are decontextualized, unhelpful, victimizing and just. bullshit

[faeiapalette]

I rarely ever send asks to blogs but I noticed the absolutely shitstorm taking place in your inbox from my OC blog and I'm so confused??? Like why did it escalate to such a heated discussion?? I actually fully agree with you that Ayato's LE route is anything but bad. It was one of my favorites amongst the S boy routes and while I did feel bad for him, I don't think the 'they don't deserve it' argument is valid for any of the DL boys. They've all done horrible things to Yui/the MC so they can't complain about karma biting them in the ass at one point or another. Also this whole 'which boy is the main one/Yui's canon S/O' is so silly imo. (and mind you, I'm a big AyaYui shipper myself) After translating over half of all the games' content, I can confidently say that Rejet is not that serious about the plot of DL and will defy or contradict their previously established lore literally ALL THE TIME. So why can't we - as a fandom - also be a little more chill and laidback about it and enjoy our own interpretations of the story instead of trying to prove other people's opinions wrong? ^^;; In the end, it's just fiction and there's no real right or wrong. Also big disagree on you not being able to voice your dislike for Ayato because he's generally loved by the fandom. :/ So it's okay to bash Cordelia or Karl because most fans agree that they're shitty people, but you can't speak ill of one of the main boys? Oh boy I better go hide now because I've lost count of how many times I've called Kanato a nasty purple gremlin.

I'm a Subaru stan but if I see someone insult Subaru, I don't get upset. I realize he has his flaws too and he won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's totally fine like go and call him a sad piece of emo trash for all I care. He might be my oshi, but in the end he's also just a bunch of pixels on a screen lol.

(😳 wait can i say “senpai noticed me”? Although i’m not too fond of this kind of “notice” and i don’t think it’s something i should be proud of it either, but still 🥹🤣💀🙈💗

Also… i deeply apologize for this massive tornado of… whatever it is 😭)

And 😭💦 I have no problem with Ayato tho? It started when i start wondering why the reasons i heard didn’t came from the inside of Ayato’s route (instead, as you can see, people compare his route to the other S boys’ routes, aka the external. Oh and actually an anon told me that problems lie in bad writing and horrible ending, that’s the first one for me. 🙌) So i just started analyzing things using internal infos in his route and speak it up in the form of an opinion. 🤔 Then people misunderstand what i said and see it as “i’m attacking Ayato”, and all of this happened. So… Thank you, but i’ll pass that 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph to any other person who couldn’t say “i hate this character” in this fandom. 🥺💗 Sigh…. I do wish people can be chill and understanding like you and some people i know as well. Realizing all of this things isn’t that hard. 😔

[chaotictarlos]

Hi I'm the Love-interest anon. First off, I'm really sorry, I realise based on your response that my phrasing of that ask meant things to you that I totally did not mean. I knew even then that you've never interpreted Carlos as just a Love Interest. And I absolutely was not meaning to call you out or criticise you or anything, though I can see now why my words would have sounded that way to you.

I want to clarify that I wasn't using the term 'love interest' as just someone who the main character sleeps with. I meant it more like, a proper fully loving partner but someone whom we as the audience know much less about, compared to TK. Not the quality of info, but the quantity. Which just unconsciously made ME treat TK as the Main Character.

When I had these thoughts a few days back about my whole love-interest-perception thing, the realisation itself made me uncomfortable because I wasn't aware I'd been thinking about these characters this way. I genuinely thought that I loved and valued both characters equally and could not figure out in the beginning why I was so uncomfortable with S4. And it wasn't a nice feeling realising that I'd had this weird unconscious bias. My knee-jerk reaction to discomfort, much like Carlos, is usually to just avoid it. And I didn't want to lose 911LS, so the way I've tried to rationalise it in my head is - I wasn't completely in the wrong or narrow-minded when I watched the show. I just fell into some of the traps that this type of storytelling can lead to, taking everything shown just as is rather than analysing the characters in equal ways. Like, in my head, screentime translated to how much I thought about the characters basically, so they all fell into typical tropes and boxes. And now I know I need to change some of those notions if I still want to enjoy the show, and step 1 is to actively look at Carlos as beyond just being a love interest.

I saw you mention Carlos-being-treated-as-a-Love-Interest and my thought process in sending in that ask to you was literally just "hey I did that too, but I'm trying to move away from it, let me tell this person why I did and how I realised since they're talking about this". So when I used terms like "this is valid" and "that's false" it was to describe my internal dialogue, and absolutely not to call you out at all.

Anyways, I realise I'm rambling again in this ask too, and since that hasn't gone well already once, I'll stop. I'm just really sorry that I made you feel overwhelmed, and maybe attacked in a way? I didn't mean to. I should have reread the word-vomit once to see how it would sound to you before I hit send.

Hey! Thank you for the clarification! I think, based on this, that we had miscommunication based on terms and our understanding of things. The way I've always viewed "love interest" is someone who is literally just there to be arm candy, etc. That's how I've seen it used in the past in fandoms and by people. Thank you for clarifying what your definition was! That puts things in a different look now!

It can be very hard at times to get what we mean across in a text format.

I think it's good to be made uncomfortable by shows that we adore. Sometimes we hold biases that we don't even know that we hold until we're made to look at them and face them.

I was overwhelmed by just the amount of information in the ask, I try to be transparent in things like that. In no means, do I not want you to send lengthy asks - I do enjoy them and responding to them! It was my way of saying why it took me awhile to reply to it.

I truly do appreciate you clarifying things! I tried hard to not come across as attacking you, and had friends read it over to see if it gave off those vibes - I hope it didn't. Feel free to ramble in my inbox or DMs at anytime!

Discussion is good! And, in my case, helps me to analyze a show and characters that I love dearly.

I hold no negative thoughts towards you and appreciate the opportunity to delve deeper. 💙

[uh-velkommen]

I decided to revisit Skam

(but this time under the influence of a certain type of plant) to see if anything new stands out or if my perception of the show has changed. I started with season one because I really don't ever rewatch seasons one or two and while I cant say if the certain plant I had consumed had any effect on my viewing experience, I did notice some things that I wanted to vaguely talk about.

First of all, season one does a REALLY good job at setting the precedent for the show's tone and it's characters. There are so many moments where a camera lingers on an action in order to be comical and the characters truly feel like real people with their own personalities. For example, I always thought of Jonas as the perfect boyfriend. He's like the ideal feminist dude... until you watch season one again and go, "wtf he's a lying gaslighting twat!?" But since I'm watching as an adult now, I can really see how these characters are just babies who don't know right from wrong. Jonas doesn't lie to Eva about talking to Ingrid because he finds it funny to manipulate his girlfriend, he's doing it to save his own ass. It doesn't make him a bad person, he just thought this was the only way to keep his secrets and then as the show goes on, we see him grow and change. (Also can I just point out how absolutely hilarious the cabin scene is where Elias crashes their hyttetur, because the whole time we're watching Eva get ignored by Jonas due to Isak's presence and then suddenly Isak is ALSO getting ignored because Jonas "acts like a different person around Elias").

Watching as an adult really adds a new perspective, as well. Not only do I know where the characters end up but I can also make sense of their irrational behaviors. (Also want to point out P. Chris is an absolute BABY in season one, as in he looks 12). For a moment, when i started my rewatch, I got this strange sense of awareness. I became aware that I was watching a show, I was aware that these were just people playing characters because I now know how these people are in real life but what brought me back in was trying to hyper analyze the characters personalities. For example, Eva just mostly mopes and cries in season one but every now and then we see that she's ultra sarcastic and pretty funny because of it. Then you notice how well she and Noora bounce off of each other because of that. (I'm still trying to fully understand Isak though. His actions can't ALL be narrowed down to his internal identity struggle and friendship jealousy, can it?)

Finally, this is mostly because I'm really attached to season three specifically but watching season one doesn't do much for me emotionally. It's not some crazy thrilling adventure. There's not some big party or plot twist at the end of every episode. I remembered this season as having a lot of back and forth/on and off crap with Eva and Jonas but recently I realized that the show is broken into two acts. The first half is full of Jonas making mistakes. We're on Eva's side wondering why he's always lying and not prioritizing the relationship. Then in the last half, we're on Jonas's side. Realizing that Eva really does struggle to balance her school life and friend with her relationship. She makes it so easy for others to play on her insecurities and i really like the characterization of a person who is smart but ultimately just bad at school.

Final thoughts (for season one at least): It really is worth the rewatch if it's been years for you, as it has been for me. Also if you feel like you're a true adult now and you're able to view these characters as your children, it's really interesting to think about how you would react as the parent in some situations since there is a real, unspoken, emphasis on how their home life and parental figures influence the way they are and interact with each other. Lastly, this has always been a strong point and it doesn't go away with time: The characters are SO strongly written. Everything they do makes sense for who they are and some of their behaviors don't just happen for the sake of the plot. This is a show that has truly been thought out down to the T.

[mike-wheeler-faggotry]

Getting in Mike's Head

Mike is a difficult character to understand, because his primary motivations have been intentionally concealed from the general audience. Fortunately, I'm insane and have been psychoanalyzing him for months, so here's a general analysis of that.

A few things to state before I begin. I'm writing this from the perspective of a gay mike truther, and a byler shipper. If you disagree with either of those I have no problems with you, but you're going to disagree with a fair amount of this analysis.

The main components of Mike's character are: He's gay in a small town during the satanic panic, he's traumatized and generally mentally ill but doesn't have anyone he knows he can rely on, and he's a paladin. All of these wrap around each other to make him suffer, and due to poor coping mechanisms makes those around him hurt too.

Mike's internalized homophobia

Many people have analyzed why Mike is gay, so I won't go into all of that here (i've left one such analysis below, but if anyone would like me to send some other analyses on that topic I would be happy to). However, I will state how it affects him. Mike's family is a typical republican family during this era. Thus, it's unlikely his family would in any way indicate being supportive, and rather likely they would be unsupportive (this is a tv show, so they likely will be supportive, but Mike doesn't know that). He's also seen his best friend since age 5 be bullied for being perceived as gay his whole life.

All of that is to say he definitely has internalized homophobia. I'll go into more detail later, but he definitely thinks he's "wrong" for being in love with Will. He also is (without meaning to) using Jane to hide that. I want to emphasize he does NOT intend to hurt Jane or use her, he's doing so by accident because of poor coping mechanisms.

Mike's Mental Illness

And that's another part of Mike, his poor coping mechanisms. He's just as traumatized as the rest of the cast, but he's doing far worse then most of them. We see in season 1 when he was fully acceptant of throwing himself off the cliff when Will was gone, Jane was gone, and Dustin was in danger. In season 2 he was referenced to have been acting out, but only got punished for it, no mental help.

In season 3 he threw himself into a relationship not based on communication and mutual respect, got himself in trouble for it and crippled his bonds with his friends so he could make out with a girl he doesn't even like that way. Before season 4 when Will and Jane moved away, he locked himself in his room and basement for a month of depression, and in season 4 takes the blame all on himself for both him and Will not staying in touch. Other people have also noticed Mike's possible eating disorder (link below).

All in all, Mike is definitely struggling, and is dealing with it (or rather, not dealing with it) through self-destruction. Whether or not you agree he's dealing with internalized homophobia is one thing (though I definitely think he is), but the fact of the matter is he's not doing well at all.

In addition to self-destruction, he also projects. With the rain fight with Will "it's not my fault you don't like girls" in season 3, with channeling feelings for Will in his "I love you speech" in season 4 (link below), he projects his own feelings onto others, or his feelings for Will onto Jane and vice versa.

And despite the jokes about Mike having rocks for brains, he doesn't underthink; he overthinks. Constantly trying to be a "normal" (straight) teenage boy, to his own detriment, terrified that others will see past the facade and know he's "broken".

Keeping the knowledge of his internalized homophobia and his mental illness in mind explains his quote unquote "toxic" behavior in seasons 3 and 4. He's still the same kid from seasons 1 and 2, things are just too hard for him to handle right now.

Despite It All, Mike is Still a Paladin

Before I go into why he's a paladin, I'll post some quotes on what paladins are like.

"The paladin is a holy knight, crusading in the name of good and order, ..."

"From 1st through 3rd edition, paladins were required to maintain the Lawful Good alignment... Failure to maintain a lawful good alignment or adhere to the code of conduct causes paladins to lose their paladin status and many of their special abilities until they are able to atone. "

(from 5th edition) "Oath of Devotion: paladins who appeal to the loftiest ideals of justice, virtue, and honor. Those who take this oath are typically Lawful Good, following the tenets of honesty, courage, compassion, honor, and duty."

(from Michael Tresca) "fighters of lawful alignment could become paladins from the outset and had a charisma score score of at least 17, positioning paladins as exemplary leaders. Their lawful allegiance was much stricter than other classes [...]. Where the cleric was more a healer and less a combatant, the paladin was more combatant and less healer"

While I'm no expert on D&D and have pulled the above quotes from the Paladin D&D page on wikipedia, given the time I would assume the characters would be playing either first or second edition. But regardless, all of the above indicate the character of a paladin. Often lawful good, a holy knight. A hero who does not succumb to evil (or does not break vows). A leader.

And we see that! Mike IS a leader, he cares about his friends, he is lawful good! At least, when his mental illness doesn't get in the way. His becoming less liked by the audience and decreased plot relevancy being simultaneous make me think that he's a fallen paladin right now. Just as the audience wants him to atone, his paladin status requires him to atone as well.

Why did I bring up the Oath of Devotion specifically? Because he values honesty and justice and honor, but it's very likely his devotion to Will at least partially shaped those values. "Friends don't lie" very possibly came from the character who has only lied once in the entire show, and barely so.

Mike's queerness, his love for Will both repulsing himself and shaping the core of who he is, Mike's overthinking and projection and self-destruction as a result of that and his other trauma, and Mike ultimately being a hero to defends what is good and is the heart of the party, his heart being powered by Will. All who he is wraps around itself, strangling and caressing in equal measure.

~~

Down here I have some posts that explain things above. If you want me to add posts explaining anything else, feel free to ask!

Mike's ED

Why Mike is gay, not bi (written pre-s4)

Mike's ILY speech to Jane doesn't actually fit her at all

(written for @dis-a-ppointment)

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[rabbitindisguise]

It's so strange and uncanny valley for my issues to resolve themselves when I work on other things

Getting diagnosed with bipolar helped me not feel like my sense of reality was slipping through my fingers while reading HtN or reading from the POV of characters with hallucinations

I no longer react by tensing up and getting anxious when someone says "lobotomy" and I can even type it because [???]

"bitch" is not something that bothers me anymore, aside form preferring "bitchard" and "bitch boy" for gender reasons. A trigger that just stopped and I have no idea why. I think it might be because the negative experience I associate with it has integrated itself into my internal narrative in a good way (aka "best friend called me a bitch because she's mean" became "best friend called me a bitch because she's pointing out I had a Problem and she was right") and otherwise [???]

No more nightmares about getting murdered, more nightmares about fucking up (which are realistic and not scary, just bad). I do not know why this is. I appreciate the change a lot, because I didn't like the dreams where I got murdered.

Social anxiety is missing in places where it was developing (my house) which make it difficult to adequately rest. I have so much more room in my thoughts now to think rationally about what to say- and do- and to analyze my feelings + make changes to my behaviors.

The medication and sleeping has lead to me being less irritable overall, and my downs aren't as dramatic. I feel more or less depressed rather than catastrophic nuclear meltdown. Which means I use hyperbole a little less naturally, and using less hyperbole is one of my goals.

The biggest one is I can approach things that make me happy directly and without discomfort. I'm not sure what caused this, maybe understanding what the issue that was blocking it off is (the issue being: taking responsibility for myself? I guess?). I know that feeling like I was constantly hurting people around me made being happy without guilt difficult. The other possible reason is giving up activism. (There are too many connections there, so I will summarize: not feeling like I have to correct people/be responsible for other people, not feeling like I had to make myself uncomfortable for the good of everyone else, not feeling constantly like the world is ending, not feeling obligated to suffer to "be a good ally" and take being verbally abused about it through posts directed at me for privilege I experience, not having a victim complex about my marginalizations, not feeling like I can't change my life positively, not feeling like I shouldn't be happy because there are people suffering, lol longer assuming being marginalized will make me a good person and knowing it takes work, to start with.)

I can fully appreciate being called "girl" and "woman" in non-misgendering contexts without having a huge internal crisis about it because [???]

I can read/watch lesbians without having a huge internal dysphoria cascade because [???]

I can tolerate being considered part of the group of men that includes cis men, likely because I'm no longer trying to distance myself from liberal men who talk about how men who care about women need to better themselves, because they're the people I'm trying to learn from.

I'm actually okay with trying to take care of myself for me, instead of as an obligation for other people because [???] (Maybe because I think I'm a person who can change now? And can make sense of why people didn't want to be around me than the vague nebulous effects of marginalization?)

I'm more willing to do scary things, like trying new food or being wrong because [???]

Hearing no doesn't make me uncomfortable anymore, maybe because I no longer have the thing people are calling "main character syndrome" where I assume if someone is sad it's about me even though it isn't or if someone says no or something they hate me and never want to see me again. I don't know why I'm struggling less with the second issue (the main character syndrome that might be causing it) either.

Taking medication doesn't bother me anymore. Love my blorbos from my bedside table. Cromolyn sodium doesn't like me back though :/

I'm fine with being nice and undatable, and I'm giving up trying to make the me from middle school happy. Somehow I arrived at the conclusion that I'm an adult now and I don't care what teenagers think of me aside from respecting their boundaries and autonomy, and that should include myself just as much. She had bad priorities and a black and white morality system and didn't care about how many people she hurt in the name of Good.

At the same time I'm fine now with collecting build a bears and writing confusing cringe things that no one but me likes and being active in fandom again and appreciating my friends with the earnestness of. Actually I don't think I ever did these things without feeling ashamed. I'm growing as a person I guess. Because [???]