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songoftrillium · 1 year ago

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Werewolf: the Apocalypse 5th Edition and the Anti-Indigeneity in the Gaming Industry

reosted with permission from J.F. Sambrano

Dagot’ee!

Shii J.F. Sambrano gonsēē. My nations are Chiricahua Apache (Ndeh) through my maternal grandmother and Cora Indian (Náayarite) through my maternal grandfather. I am a mixed race Indigenous person, and through my father my heritage is English and Scottish. I am currently residing and doing work in my community on the lands of Lummi Nation. I use both gender non-binary and masculine pronouns, but prefer the former. I have several published works in the TTRPG industry, and am probably most known for my contributions to Mage: the Ascension 20th Edition, Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Edition, and the Transformers Roleplaying Game, as well as being part of the Essence 20 development team. Further, I also work in higher education at an Indian college, both advising and teaching Indigenous students across the United States. My passion is education, and I believe that we all learn through play, and that TTRPGs are a valuable source of learning, especially on personal, cultural, and social levels. This has always been what has drawn me to TTRPGs since I started playing M.E.R.P. with my brother in 1996 (and before that HeroQuest), through to my “graduation” into more story-driven games such as those presented in the Storyteller System, until now, where I author and produce my own roleplaying games.

I was also part of the First Team (in-joke intentional) hired by White Wolf Studios/Paradox Interactive via Hunters Entertainment to develop and author Werewolf: the Apocalypse 5th Edition. After several months of work, Paradox Interactive chose to go in another direction in early 2021 (I believe it was either March or April) and in fall of that year, it was announced that Werewolf would instead be taken in house, with Justin Achilli as the Brand Creative Lead and primary author of the book. Going forward I will be describing my experience while I worked with Paradox Interactive, primarily through Karim Muammar, White Wolf’s Brand Editor, as well as the developmental editor for Werewolf. Although I worked in a team, both with hired authors and in-house representatives at Hunters Entertainment, I will not be speaking for the experience of others, except when specifically noting unanimous consensuses, and specific interactions (which will go unnamed) that are particularly relevant. My hope is that by highlighting some of the anti-Indigenous attitudes that are central to the foundational members and leaders of the White Wolf brand, that I can provide opportunities for growth and healing within the World of Darkness TTRPG community, but also in the broader gaming community, where these behaviors and attitudes are rampant. I also want the community to have a better understanding of what this experience is like internally, and the challenges that Indigenous creators, as well as other marginalized creators, are met with when they try to make positive change within nerd and geek communities clinging to inherited white supremacist values, even if they don’t realize they are doing so.

What I do not want to be doing in this article is creating fuel for edition wars. I believe that both legacy and Werewolf 5th are rife with anti-Indigenous attitudes, and appalling amounts of appropriation. Both versions deserve criticism, I am not defending one over the other, I am only sharing what my experience was like working on the 5th edition of the book. Further, please understand that I was originally going to wait until I had read the final copy of the book, because I wanted to know how much of my work was used (based on previews I already know some was, just not the extent) and whether or not they decided to credit me for that work, and how I was going to be credited. My belief is that I likely will not be, but I am genuinely uncertain. Knowing how they handled that would have reframed how I addressed this. But more importantly, I want it to be very clear that even before Paradox ultimately pulled the plug on the Hunters team, I was preparing to exit working on the project based on the experience I will describe below. Not only did I find it frustrating, and personally disparaging, but I ultimately decided I was uncomfortable with my name being attached to the product based on the direction they wanted to go. So while I wanted to know whether or not I would be credited, because it would teach me something about their internal practices, I do not want or need the credit.

Finally, the reason that I decided to speak about this now instead of after having a chance to inspect the final product, was because my personal experience dealing with anti-Indigeneity coming from Paradox was just that: personal. But since then I have witnessed a throughline of hateful and xenophobic attitudes wielded against Indigenous people across the globe, and we do not deserve this treatment. I was outraged over the events that led to the segregation of the Latin American fanbase, which culminated from bottom-up criticism about how poorly their people and countries were being defined through World of Darkness products, and ended up with the firing of their Latin American Brand Ambassador, Alessa Torres, because she chose to stand with her community in those criticisms. I was further appalled when the likeness of Tāme Wairere Iti was shoehorned into the Werewolf book, a blatant example of cultural theft: not only in stealing the literal physical identity of an Indigenous person, but also his sacred tā moko. When Paradox Interactive issued an apology for this, it felt incredibly hollow to me in the wake of these events, the hateful attitudes I had personally witnessed coming from the top.

Whether from North America, Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, or Peru, or across the globe in New Zealand, not only do Indigenous people deserve better treatment from such a major company, but their Indigenous and Latino fanbases, who have twisted and worked themselves through difficult representation for decades at this point, deserve better. Apologies are not enough, especially when they come with next to no real change.

Werewolf: the Apocalypse in Context

At the time that White Wolf Publishing began to produce its World of Darkness line, the TTRPG industry was dominated by white men, both as producers, developers, and authors, as well as the main characters in their settings. White Wolf's World of Darkness made an impact at the time, by defying these Eurocentric, patriarchal presentations, first by defaulting to feminine pronouns throughout Vampire: the Masquerade, and then by focusing on Indigenous representation and values in Werewolf: the Apocalypse, and as a young Indigenous nerd, it had a positive impact on me, as I know it has on some other Indigenous people who became fans of the World of Darkness at the time. This was because before opening the pages of Werewolf: the Apocalypse, I had never seen heroes that I could play who looked like me and my culture. It was off, and often offensive, but it was my first experience in which I could directly play a hero who shared my heritage--and I also had more than one option through two different Tribes to do so. This might sound a little like I was cheering for table scraps, but again, at the time, table scraps was more than I had ever seen before.

Werewolf: the Apocalypse 1st Edition was originally published in 1992 via then White Wolf Publishing (not to be confused with Paradox Interactive's White Wolf). From its inception, the premise was interwoven with what its then-authors believed to be Indigenous praxis and representation. Like many pop-culture presentations of Indigeneity from this time period (see Fern Gully, Dances With Wolves, Disney’s Pocahontas, or in TTRPGs, the NAN from Shadowrun) it was rife with problematic and even offensive stereotyping. The most obvious examples thereof are within the two "Pure Tribes" Uktena, and W****** who I will henceforth refer to as Older and Younger Brother. However, Indigenous inspiration was at the core of the game's spiritual premise as well, where animism and "Totems" are central to the setting and gameplay. The way these concepts are presented is trivializing and dehumanizing, but it is important to acknowledge that the appropriation present in Werewolf: the Apocalypse goes a lot deeper than the two Brother Tribes (even the term "Tribe" was meant to invoke a vision of Indigeneity compared to the previous setting in the line's use of "Clan"). Additionally, there is art throughout every generation of these gaming books that represents humans, wolves, and human-wolf hybrid forms wearing Indigenous regalia, including sacred items such as headdresses, or engaged in sacred rituals such as the Sun Dance. The list of problematic representations goes deep, and my examples only scratch the surface, but it is also important for me to note the positive impact that this had, particularly in the 90's.

Even though the primary contributors to these narratives were non-Indigenous authors, or in one case, a Pretendian, and another, a culturally disconnected author, by the time the Revised (or Third Edition) era of the books came around, White Wolf Publishing was actively engaged in cultural consultation. While I do not believe cultural consultation makes a big difference on its own, it matters that the attempt was made, to a degree: while these efforts fall short of what needs to be seen in cultural representation, this was still ahead of most other gaming companies at this time.

Hired by Hunters Entertainment

In February of 2020 I was approached by one of the co-owners of Hunters Entertainment to be one of the primary authors for Werewolf: 5th Edition due to my work on other World of Darkness projects, and let's be honest, because I was capable of bringing a much needed Indigenous perspective to a gameline that was rooted in Indigeneity and rotting with appropriation and racist stereotypes. I was overall receptive to the invitation, largely because I was very passionate about the World of Darkness setting overall, and Werewolf in particular, due to the impact that 90's representation had on me when I was a younger gamer. I also felt hopeful that with a really hard rewrite of Indigenous aspects of the game that I could shift a lot of really painful aspects of the game into something that was a net positive for Indigenous representation. I will tell you now, more than anything, I was excited to rewrite the Younger Brother Tribe, because when separated from racist authors, their message is very empowering and real to my lived experience.

That said, I did not agree to join the project without first asking for reassurances. I said that I was not willing to write negative Native stereotypes. I would not use appropriative language, or generally engage in appropriative writing (which meant at minimum that the names of the Pure Tribes would need to change), and most importantly, that I would not not engage in writing that contributed to erasure. While the person who recruited me to work on the project was eager to work with me, he acknowledged that he was not sure he could get everything I wanted to see approved, but also promised to fight for everything I suggested as hard as he could. Additionally, he shared with me that the original setting pitch for W5 involved all of Younger Brother being slaughtered en masse in a massacre. I made it clear that this was exactly the kind of thing that I would not write. I cannot remember if this was something he suggested to be changed before or after I was invited onto the project, but with some pushback it was changed. However, I point this out because I want you, the reader, to understand how eager Paradox Interactive was to start with mass genocide and erasure as a foundation to the setting. All that said, I cannot stress enough that I have had nothing but positive experiences with Hunters Entertainment, and none of the following concerns fall upon them.

The Sword of Heimdall

The first encounter the Hunters Entertainment team as a whole had with problematic guidelines for the W5 draft was the direction that Paradox Interactive wanted to go with the Sword of Heimdall. At the time, the suggestions from Paradox and Karim Muammar were that the Sword of Heimdall was going to represent the new major villain of the Werewolf setting, and that they were to also represent the far-right, fascist direction that Werewolf society so often turned toward. They were meant to be representative of how far the new concept of Hauglosk could take entire communities. However, the Sword of Heimdall was discussed interchangeably with the Get of Fenris as a whole, and more than once Muammar seemed to suggest that every member of this Tribe was guilty of the same attitudes espoused in previous editions from the Sword of Heimdall. Now let's not beat around the bush: the Sword of Heimdall are literal Nazis. They believe directly in white supremacy and don't shy from it. They wanted to cleanse impure elements from the Get of Fenris, including BIPOC people, other non-white ethnicities, women, neurodivergent Garou, and other disabled Garou.

The writing team found this approach problematic for several reasons. The first, and most obvious, was that the direction seemed to want to turn one of the most popular Tribes into a horrific stereotype of its most abhorrent faction. Whether or not Muammar’s goal was to turn them into villains, we could not imagine a world where fans of previous editions would get their hands on this book, and not look for a way to play one of their previous favorite groups, thus creating the issue of making a guide to playing Nazi. Even beyond that, it’s not as if historically there were not players who used the tools of the setting to play Black Spiral Dancers, why wouldn’t this draw people who actually wanted to role-play through these toxic, harmful politics? Further, and while this is less important, it left a bad taste in my mouth, the justification for this major shift in Werewolf lore seemed to change over each pass. At first, Muammar suggested that all Fenrir were Nazis/SoH. Then, when he was provided with evidence that it was a small faction that was eliminated in the early 2000’s, he started to shift toward the idea that we should not follow the lore. Finally, when every single member of the writer’s team flatly refused to provide what would essentially be “a player’s guide to being a Nazi werewolf” the writing was on the wall about the end of our involvement with this product. More than once, he suggested that we were cowardly social justice warriors for being unwilling to work with this concept, even though there were several attempts to write a heroic version of the Fenrir that were focused on undoing these ills of the past.

Indigenous Erasure in Werewolf: 5th Edition

While the entire Hunters Entertainment writing team was handling the major, glaring issue of Paradox’s fervor to include a major Nazi element in Werewolf, I was personally dealing with the problematic approach to the Indigenous issues in the setting. The largest problem, for me, was in addressing Younger Brother’s issues, the history of non-Indigenous writers creating horrifically racist stereotypes, and what was valuable in the Tribal identity that should be saved and recentered. However, my attempts to do so were thwarted with every approach. I rewrote this Tribe four times, and offered three different versions of it to try to earn approval for a final write-up, but each time there was a lot of negativity directed towards my attempts and all them boiled down to this: Muammar felt that having two Tribes (both Younger and Older Brother) representing the “Indigenous population” was too many, and wanted them to only be focused on Older Brother, and that Younger Brother’s connection to a central, Indigenous identity, was undesirable because “other sources wrote them as having Siberian and European connections” and that future writing on this Tribe would require a lot of sensitivity…suggesting that one, Muammar wasn’t interested in doing the work to handle that level of sensitivity, and further, that he wasn’t interested in including me in future work, since I was involved with doing that at the time.

I want to take a moment to remind you that the work that was put into recovering Younger Brother started with “Let’s Kill Them Off” and at this point, through a combination of convincing and pleading, had been walked back to “They can live, but now they’re not connected to being Indigenous anymore” which is just representative genocide of a different variety. “Kill the Indian in him, and save the man.” It was also explicitly something I said I would not write about going into this project. Ultimately, my efforts did not get much further than this, with some specific exceptions I will cite below.

Karim Muammar’s Anti-Indigenous Positions

Muammar consistently and repeatedly communicated to the team in ways that were condescending and dismissive of our collective accomplishments and capabilities, but from my perspective, no one suffered as much significant derision as I did while discussing the changes I wanted to make to Younger and Older Brother in order to make their representation empowering and exciting.

In the pulled quote from the previous paragraph, I want to point out to you that Muammar, who had the title of Lead Editor on this project, refused to capitalize Native American. Further, he would often redline my work with edits to decapitalize my own uses of Native American, as well as the word Indigenous when referring to Indigenous peoples. While there are plenty of people who might want to argue about this, I will point out that both the AP style guide as well as the Chicago style guide (the one which I am most familiar with in my academic historical work) both call for Indigenous to be capitalized when referring to a people. Further, I challenge anyone to defend the consistent decapitalization of Native American. More importantly, the reason that these are standards in respected style guides, is because the English language has been used historically to oppress and erase ethnic identities, including Indigenous identities. By transforming adjectives into proper nouns, we are declaring that Indigenous and Native aren’t descriptors that can be applied to animals, plants, and soil, but real lived identities and culture groups.

When I was explaining to the Paradox team (which was mostly just Muammar) why it was important to change the names of these two Tribes from the appropriative (and offensive) ones used in the past, Muammar pushed back by defending the previously used Younger Brother name, even after reading my extensive research and explanation about how this would harm Indigenous communities and fans.

While doing so, he also decided that it was appropriate to refer to this entirely Native American tribe by the word “savages” a slur that has been specifically used to dehumanize Native Americans, and then mocked my rewrite that focused on presenting them as stewards of the land using Indigenous methodologies and praxes, instead of the “savage” racist stereotypes they were presented as in previous editions. Further, as in the above quote, even after it was communicated that the use of this term was problematic, he kept doubling-down to use it to refer to the Tribe.

Even though I worked hard to redefine Younger Brother through Indigenous theory, such as place-based theory, relational theory, and communal theory, Muammar either refused to recognize this work, dismissing it as simple, or else simply could not understand the importance of these changes. Either way, the choice is that he didn’t want them to change, or couldn’t comprehend why the change was important because of how entrenched in white supremacist thinking he is. Further, after the massive effort that I put forward to attempt to educate him and the rest of the Paradox team on these issues, the insistence on using offensive terms and belittling my work felt intentional. So let’s talk about the work I did that was above and beyond my job description: free cultural consulting work.

“Sensitivity” and Consultation

I have seen several misunderstandings of my role working on this project going around, so I want to make something very clear. I was hired to work on this project as an author, and nothing else. I was not ever hired to be a cultural consultant. I do not do cultural consulting work. While I feel that there are many creators and companies who hire cultural consultants with the best intentions in mind, their responses often fall short of what is needed, as no one is ever obligated to actually follow the advice of cultural consultants. Further, I think there are also many companies who choose to hire cultural consultants only to say “we did this minimal step, and that is enough” in order to ward off naysayers.

However, anyone who hires me gets some level of cultural consulting for free, because it comes out in my writing–in both what I won’t write and what I choose to center my writing around. In the case of Werewolf 5th Edition, however, it was far more involved than this. I came with a plethora of “I will not write X” because I knew the setting was so problematic. A short list of my demands besides not being willing to write Indigenous erasure, was that we needed to change the names of the Pure Tribes (and the term Pure Tribe itself), we needed to change the word Totem to Patron, and also the Patrons of the Pure Tribes. We needed to move away from the term Metis for obvious reasons, and we needed to move away from the term Skin Dancers. I also specifically noted that there was a lot of cultural theft happening from the beginning of Werewolf until now that I wanted to address. The only way these issues were going to be addressed was to convince Paradox they were actual issues on the level of PR concerns, because nothing else was likely going to be considered. So in order to achieve this, I put in weeks worth of research, writing, and meetings with top level administrators with Hunters Entertainment so that they could bring this information to Paradox. I never documented my hours, but I would guess that I did approximately 80-100 hours of what I could only describe as cultural consultation work for free that was outside the contract work I was hired for. Let’s be clear: I did this willingly because I was passionate about the positive changes I wanted to see in this product, because I believed that Werewolf’s historic ills could be turned toward non-toxic representation.

Besides my actual words, such as naming the Ghost Council, and arguably the name Gale Stalkers came from a combination of names I pitched to Paradox after Winter’s Teeth was denied, and several sentences and paragraphs that I have seen so far that appear so close to what I originally wrote that you could imagine they were just edited versions, my largest contribution toward the final version of Werewolf: 5th Edition was this work. The only reason the offensive, appropriated names were changed were because of hours of my work to convince them it needed to happen. The reason that the Gale Stalkers aren’t just dead and gone: again, I pushed against this. The reason that Skin Dancers, Totem, and Metis will not appear as canonical titles? I pushed against their unwillingness to alter these things (see Karim’s defense of Wen**** Tribe name above).

Further, and this is the biggest reason I decided to write this article before seeing the final version of the book, I want to mention that I was also included in discussions with Hunters Entertainment to potentially be part of the art direction team, especially to oversee depictions of Indigenous characters, regalia, and art, to ensure that it would be represented either respectfully or not at all. I decided I needed to speak as soon as possible after the artistic portrayal of Tāme Iti appeared in the Glass Walkers preview without his permission. There are many arguments surrounding this issue and I am not going to address everything, but ultimately, I can tell you that had I remained as part of the art direction team, and saw that, I would have questioned it immediately. Even if I didn’t recognize Tāme Iti immediately, I would have asked what the source was on the depiction of moko in that piece, because I am aware that this is a sacred form of art–and I had already discussed wanting to make sure things like Crinos in headdresses didn’t appear in the book (as had often happened in previous editions, particularly on a certain white-skinned character whose name rhymes with Steals-the-Past).

As time working on this project went on, and I went through rounds and rounds of trying to convince Muammar and Paradox that it was important to not steal Indigenous identities, art, and stories, and that a greater effort needed to be put in powerful and empowering Indigenous representation, and I constantly ran into refusals and criticisms that were clearly hateful toward Indigenous identities and peoples, not to mention the push to represent Nazism as a major part of the game setting, I grew increasingly frustrated and restless with feeling like I was trying to work on a challenging project while also defending my right to exist as the person I am at every turn. Eventually I turned to another Indigenous TTRPG and game creator to ask for advice, and after a long and difficult discussion, I came to the conclusion that I was going to talk to the Hunters administration team and tell them that if Muammar kept using slurs and other anti-Indigenous language and attitudes, I was going to need to step off of this project, because it was harmful to me on a personal level. In furtherance of this point, I have been avoiding doing any contract work at all where I can tell that I am wanted for my specific cultural perspective ever since, because this situation was so harrowing for me.

Unfortunately, before I could have this conversation, after one final draft of Younger Brother and Bone Gnawers (which had its own issues, but that is not the point of this discussion), before we received any other specific feedback, the Hunters Entertainment administrators announced to the writing team that Paradox had decided to take the book in-house, and would no longer need our services.

The main point I would like to leave you with, besides these few specific quotes (out of dozens and dozens) that Muammar made that were anti-Indigenous, is that there is often a big call to have more BIPOC voices in various entertainment industries, so that both our stories, perspectives, and unique views on how the universe and life works, can be included; so that an industry that is historically, harmfully Eurocentric, might turn toward new, healthier, and inclusive directions. And I agree with this call for change, but I implore you to consider the conditions that BIPOC creators often have to work under: doing cultural/identity work and consultation for free as part of being present, being subject to vicious refusals of our experiences and perspectives, and straight-up having slurs lodged against our work. I want to see these changes in the industries we love, including the gaming industry, but currently the people who are in charge, who have the most power, are severely hostile to our work and our perspectives. This is why, for example, works like Coyote & Crow were done with an almost entirely Indigenous group of creators, and led by Indigenous creators, because trying to work for and with this ugly, hateful, and xenophobic group of people is so often exhausting, both mentally and spiritually, and because no good changes end up being made.

I am glad the harmful, appropriative terms were removed from the setting. I am glad I was part of the fight to make that real. I am not so glad that I was treated with hostility and racism by Muammar for the effort and love I put into this work, and I am not so glad that I will certainly be reviled by one of the two communities I did this work for–the gaming community, and certainly the people in power in this industry–and I am also not so glad that I didn’t have the opportunity to properly acknowledge how much of Werewolf’s base themes and setting are twisted and tied-up in Indigenous appropriation without giving the proper acknowledgments.

More than anything, I hope that this story will help you, the fans, realize that there is a lot of darkness in these communities, and they won’t change unless you hold their feet to the fire.

Ánaagodzįįhł

J.F. Sambrano

#decolonization #ttrpg #werewolves #writing #world of darkness #werewolf: the apocalypse #werewolf the apocalypse #mage: the ascension #vampire: the masquerade #changeling: the dreaming

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bozzlerindustrial · 2 years ago

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#Fuel Handling Systems

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super-ultra-mega-deluxe · 6 days ago

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Simply believing in ML, or joining an ML org, will not help when the lights go out or food runs out. How can we contend with that?

Marxism-Leninism isn't an arbitrary set of beliefs for one to adopt on a whim, it is a political theory and specifically action, part of which is in fact to "help when the lights go out" or even better, to make sure they don't! communist politics- and really any politic- are what those politics do. Marx explicitly frames it as such, as an ideological formulation that is a tool for practical application. taken outside of its context and application, Marxism is an absurd nothing, as again are all politics. i could provide examples of how communists facilitate the production and distribution of goods, or otherwise manage economics at variable scale and locale, which is rather what i assume you mean to be getting at with your question. your framing is rather nonspecific however: in what economic and political context is there a communist party contending with failures in energy infrastructure and food production and distribution?

the "help when the lights go out" strikes a particular chord, as somewhat recently the socialist nation of Cuba has been forced to contend with fuel shortages; their domestic oil production can't meet the needs of the general populace, and oil imports are inconsistent due to the US embargo. the people of Cuba are, thankfully, not becoming grossly immiserated or dying en masse despite such being the intention of the embargo. they have instituted fuel rationing and rolling blackouts to further conserve fuel and maintain essential services, such as their healthcare system. this of itself is obviously only a reactive policy; the state has also been rebuilding and expanding its oil storage facilities to better handle fluctuations in supply, and more recently they have agreed to a bilateral development agreement with China to substantially expand Cuba's nascent solar power generation. paired with their newfound partnership with BRICS- a move which undermines the aforementioned embargo in a much more material way than a UN vote- Cuba is on a path to fully meet the energy needs of its people and even expand access over the next decade.

that all said, i doubt you specifically care much for Marxist-Leninist experiments as they exist, and are more concerned with the prefiguration of politics before anything like achieving state power, and more specifically within the imperial core, where denying the possibility of effecting revolutionary politics is the most prominent. there are not presently many Marxist-Leninist parties of note in the US, the imperial core, but even less principled communist parties nonetheless consider the economic realities of the workers they represent first and foremost. the old Black Panthers were perhaps the closest to a truly revolutionary socialist movement in the US, and one of the policies they are most famous for is the free breakfast program and the broader Survival Programs they ran. these programs provided food and medical care and education and transportation for many who were subject to economic insecurity; the failure of these programs was a failure of militancy and counterintelligence and scope. the modernly popular if unfortunately less coherent and less principled PSL also runs health and wellness programs, such as kitchens and exercise classes and vocational programs and so on, which is their attempt at replicating such formulations.

it is rather specifically a concern of communists to organize the proletariat to provide for their own needs outside the purview of a capitalist state, and every revolutionary of note before, during, and after seizing power emphasizes such. the ability to do so pending a revolutionary moment is necessarily limited however; you cannot build an administration of economy parallel to an extant state without coming into conflict with that state. even non-communist organizations attempt to build up community programs, but they are either dissolved or incorporated into the state apparatus or otherwise operate under its purview. the ultimate goal is then as always the destruction of the bourgeois state machine and the building of a proletarian state machine, the armies of people organized in enforcing the will of the proletariat as a class, which allows for the more concrete and pointed organization of the economy broadly.

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greedyhoneyz · 7 months ago

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Welcome to Wonderland

.ೃ࿔*:･pairing: eren yeager x pregnant!reader

.ೃ࿔*:･synopsis: soon-to-be-parents embark on a joyous adventure, preparing for the arrival of their little one in a quest to find the perfect stroller.

.ೃ࿔*:･cw: none. fluff. domestic.

.ೃ࿔*:･authors note: inspired by baby mine from @tojigasm. im in a 'baby' mood and wanted to write something other than football. you can probably tell that I haven't watched the show but honestly, I've kind of based eren on his portrayals by other writers on this app and what I feel he would say and act like if he was a modern character. truthfully i just need to watch the show, but I'm honestly not good at keeping up with shows in general.

Onesies. Diapers. Bottles. Pacifiers. Cribs. Toys.

This was the world of babies.

Eren had never felt so intimidated— standing by the store doors, a trolley glued to his front as he gawked at the avalanche of ‘everything baby’ in front of him. The signs above the aisles, all printed with words that seemed important, taunted him with ridiculing laughter and bizarre speeches filled with phoney concern.

Hesitantly, Eren veered around and then glanced at (name). He swallowed deeply before speaking between shallow breaths. “Where do we start?”

(name) was quiet for a few moments as her eyes aimlessly scanned the store floor. She let out a breath and then paused, blinking, before glancing down at her phone. “Uh,”

She padded her thumbs across her screen and scrolled through her baby registry.

“Strollers,” (name) managed to breathe out. She nodded to herself, assured by her choice and peered up at Eren, nodding once again. “Yeah, I think we should look at strollers first.”

“Strollers…” Eren muttered back slowly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “…that's good.”

The metallic clatter and squeak of the trolley and its battered wheels followed Eren and (name) as they pushed the cart towards the “strollers & travel systems” section.

The trolley squeaked to a halt when (name) stopped. She blinked, rubbing her lips together and slowly stepped away from Eren.

“This is nice.” She spoke softly. She raised her hands, her curious fingers wriggling in the air, and fiddled with the straps and handle of the matte black stroller. From the platform where it was perched, she pushed it back and forth, whirling the stroller from side to side. “It moves nicely too.”

“This one looks good too.” Pivoting on the heels of her feet, (name) carefully stroked the handle of another. It was grey, except for its black frame, and carried a sizable basket beneath it unlike the other.

Eren hummed in response to (name) and shifted away from the trolley. He inclined forward and fiddled with the hood of the stroller, pushing it back and dragging it forward. He smoothed his hands across its aluminium frame and picked at the price tag, strapped at the handle. “Not bad, you like it?”

(name) shrugged. “It’s nice, but I think we should look around first before we decide on anything first.”

The trolley’s shaky rattle continued as (name) and Eren strolled through rows and rows of strollers in various colours, sizes and shapes.

The traditional strollers, with large wheels and adjustable handles, had quickly gained (name’s) favour, whilst the lightweight umbrella strollers, which were perfect for prompt trips around the town, perked Eren’s eye. The jogging strollers failed to reel both Eren and (name) in, and though their suspension and manoeuvrability brought ease and comfort, the couple could envision themselves going for light jogs across their neighbourhood with their little one in tow. It wasn’t their style.

“Is there anything here you like?” After a while of searching, Eren and (name) had broken off their stroll and huddled themselves into a corner and fueled themselves with the breakfast bars (name) had stashed inside her purse.

"No," Eren shook his head, swallowing, his face twisted.

“Well,” (name) began. “If we can’t decide on anything now, I think we should move onto bassinets–”

“What?” A baffled expression came to (name’s) face as she watched Eren shoot off directly to a larger display of strollers.

With a smile on his lips and sparkling eyes, he bent down to retrieve a car seat from the queue of strollers. He waved, beckoning (name) over and beamed down at the contraption below.

Gripping the metal ledge of the trolley, (name) towed it behind her as she walked.

She stopped, standing a few feet away and with an inquisitive brow, glanced down at Eren.

“Look.” Hanging his figure over the car seat, Eren turned his back to (name). He lowered his arms, positioning his hands on either side of the seat, its front and its back. He gripped the handle with one hand and tucked his other into the safety lock. He pressed the lock, heaving it upwards as its legs, tucked beneath, extended outwards. Setting it down on the floor, Eren carefully eased the handle from above the black hood and towed it above the seat. A quiet snap could be heard as he adjusted the handle to his hip with a single push of a button.

“Wow.” (name) gaped, her eyes wide and slowly circled the stroller.

“Cool, ain't it?” Eren smiled proudly. He pushed the stroller back and forth, wheeling it across the aisle in jagged lines. “‘Been looking at this online.”

“And it's good for travelling,” he boasted. “For when we fly. Oh, and it's light….it moves so nice….”

Resting her hand on the swell of her belly, (name) bent down and moved her hands across the seat, running her fingers against its smooth fabric. “But what happens when the baby gets too big and grows out of this?”

“Then…I…guess we buy two strollers?” Eren blurted out slowly.

“Babe… I don’t know.” Reclining back to height, (name) propped her hand on her hip and furrowed her brows together. She pulled her lips down into a frown and shook her head unhappily.

Eren could feel his heart plunge into the pits of his stomach as (name) scowled. He was convinced that the stroller parked before him was it. And now, as he stared at his wife, he wasn’t too sure she felt the same.

“Listen, baby, it's a great car seat and stroller,” he began. “C’mon, it's convenient and easy to use, we get this and it’ll make our lives so much easier when the baby comes.”

“Trust me, baby, I’ve done my research. I’ve watched videos and read reviews. This is the one.”

(name) thought a moment, gnawing at her bottom lip. After inspecting the stroller-car seat ensemble, she took Eren’s place at the wheel and rolled it across the aisle, and then back to him.

She stopped in front of him, parking the stroller a few inches from his feet and sighed. She blinked and blinked and then blinked again, and sighed, tracing her hand across its hood.

“Alright,” She said. “We’ll get it.”

Eren couldn’t help but cheer, thrusting his fists in the air before launching onto his wife. He wrapped his arms around (name), pulling her into his chest, her swollen belly pressed against his middle, and peppered kisses across her head, his nose bristling against her hair. “Yes!”

“Babe— Eren let go, you’re pulling on my hair.” Wriggling out from Eren’s grasp, (name) huffed, her eyebrows furrowed together and quickly patted away at her hair.

After calling for assistance, Eren, then armed with newfound instructions, made his way down the aisles to the shelf containing another replica of the stroller, with (name) in tow. Below it were two rows of boxes.

Eren reached out, bending his knees, wrapped his arms around the box and lifted it into the air. With careful feet, he hauled the box toward their trolley and plopped it into the basket.

“There.” He huffed. He wiped his hands and stared at the box, a twinkle glinted in his eyes, grinning from ear to ear as (name) looked on from the sidelines.

She approached Eren, a hand to the trolley, the other to her stomach, and studied him. In awe at the way, his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled and his cheeks carried a gentle, rosy tint when he was excited. His joy was palpable, radiating out from him like a comforting blanket.

As she gazed at him, (name) felt a deep sense of gratitude. Most women weren’t as lucky as she was, having a man so involved, so excited it’s damn near infuriating. But she cherished his joy, his nervousness, his wonder. He was new to this world, this world of babies, as was she, and whilst at times it was overwhelming, it was beautiful and intriguing to come to learn and to love the little human cocooned inside her belly.

And as Eren looked up and caught her eye, (name) returned his smile with one of her own. In a silent exchange, they basked in each other’s warmth, arm in arm, sharing each other’s bliss.

#black!reader #eren yeager x black reader #eren x black reader #eren x reader #eren jeager x reader #eren yeager x reader #aot x black reader #aot imagine #aot x reader #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan x black reader #attack on titan imagine

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natswife-marvelicious · 2 months ago

Text

Medbay Confessions

Plot: You and Natasha start off disliking each other, but over time the tension turns into unspoken feelings. During a mission where you're seriously injured, Natasha confesses her love fearing she might lose you... maybe more than once.

Warnings: blood, injury, mentions of death, sacrifice, kinda hatred towards each other

Word count: 3,1k

Masterlist

The Avengers tower buzzed with the usual chaos of superhero life, filled with the sounds of training, strategizing, and the occasional playful bickering that came with living in close quarters. You had joined the Avengers a few months ago, excited yet apprehensive about proving yourself to a team renowned for their heroic deeds and remarkable skills. However, your excitement was frequently overshadowed by one particular member of the team, Natasha Romanoff.

From the moment you stepped foot in the tower, Natasha had treated you with a cool, disdainful demeanor. It was as if she had an invisible barrier around her, one that you could never quite penetrate. You felt like an intruder, constantly under her watchful eye as if she were waiting for you to mess up. And mess up, you did.

During your very first training session, you could sense Natasha’s scrutinizing gaze. While most of the Avengers were supportive, offering tips and encouragement, Natasha seemed hell-bent on pointing out every flaw.

“Is that really your best?” she quipped, arms crossed, her voice dripping with sarcasm as you stumbled during a complex maneuver.

“Why are you here?” you shot back, frustration bubbling to the surface. “Shouldn’t you be off saving the world or something?”

“Funny,” she replied, her expression deadpan. “If I don’t show up for training, then how will I know you’re not just a liability?”

You clenched your fists, anger bubbling inside you. “I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much. Maybe if you spent less time being condescending and more time helping, I wouldn’t have to prove anything to you.”

“Maybe if you were actually competent, I wouldn’t have to critique you,” she shot back, a smirk teasing the corners of her mouth.

Her words stung, and you could feel the heat rise in your cheeks. You turned away, trying to shake off the embarrassment that flooded your system. Over the following weeks, the animosity only intensified. It was a game of one-upmanship, Natasha’s biting remarks seemed to find their way into every interaction.

During one particularly grueling day, you found yourself in the training room again. Natasha stood across from you, her stance poised, ready to engage. As the two of you sparred, her movements were fluid and precise, a testament to her years of training.

“Are you even trying?” she taunted, dodging your punch effortlessly and countering with a swift kick that sent you stumbling back. “Because it doesn’t look like it.”

You gritted your teeth, your competitive spirit flaring. “Maybe if you stopped being such a show-off, I could actually get some training done.”

Natasha’s laughter echoed in the empty room. “Show-off? This is just me doing my job. You should try it sometime.”

With each scathing remark, you felt your frustration reach new heights. It was like she was on a mission to tear you down, and you couldn’t understand why. What had you done to earn her ire? You were on the same team after all, fighting for the same cause.

As time went on, you found yourself increasingly aware of her presence, even when you tried not to be. There was something magnetic about Natasha her confidence, her strength, but it only fueled your irritation. Every time she flashed that smug smile after getting a jab in, you felt your resolve waver. You couldn’t let her get to you, but the challenge was becoming harder to ignore.

It wasn’t just the training sessions that became a battleground, even during missions, the tension between you simmered. Natasha often took the lead, her strategic mind making her the perfect field commander. But whenever you tried to offer your insights, she brushed you off with a wave of her hand, as if your ideas were irrelevant.

“You’re new, so maybe just stick to following orders for now,” she would say dismissively, leaving you feeling small and overlooked.

“Maybe if you actually listened to the rest of us, you’d see that I have good ideas too,” you snapped one day during a mission briefing. The rest of the team looked at you in surprise, but Natasha merely rolled her eyes.

“Good ideas don’t mean anything if you can’t execute them,” she retorted, her tone laced with condescension.

With every interaction, you felt like you were in a perpetual state of conflict, and it was exhausting. You hated the way she seemed to effortlessly undermine your confidence, yet you couldn’t deny the flicker of something else that grew each time you met her gaze. It was infuriating and confusing all at once.

Then came the day of the mission, a crucial infiltration of a high-security facility suspected of harboring a rogue organization that had been causing havoc worldwide. The team had split into pairs, and when you heard Natasha call your name, a wave of dread washed over you.

“Looks like we’re stuck together,” she said, a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth.

“Lucky me,” you replied sarcastically, trying to hide your apprehension.

As you made your way to the facility, you couldn’t shake the feeling that this mission would be the tipping point for both of you. The tension was palpable, and as you moved through the shadows, you found yourself in close proximity to Natasha more often than not. Every time your shoulders brushed against each other, you felt a jolt of something electric, but you quickly shoved it down.

Inside the facility, chaos erupted. Alarms blared, lights flickered, and the air became charged with adrenaline. You both moved as one unit, relying on each other’s strengths as you navigated the maze of hallways.

“Cover me!” Natasha yelled, diving behind a column as gunfire erupted from the guards ahead. Without thinking you followed her lead, taking cover beside her. You could feel the heat radiating from her body, the intensity of the moment charging the air between you.

“Keep an eye on the left flank,” she instructed, her voice steady and authoritative. “I’ll take the right.”

“Right, got it,” you replied, your heart racing as you nodded.

As you fought side by side, the lines between rivalry and respect began to blur. You admired her combat skills, the way she moved with confidence and grace, and for the first time, you realized that her sharp tongue might be masking a deeper vulnerability.

Just as you thought you had the upper hand, you heard the distinct sound of footsteps approaching from behind. Without thinking, you turned to warn Natasha, but it was too late. A guard appeared, aiming his weapon directly at her.

“Natasha!” you screamed, throwing yourself in front of her just as the gun fired.

You felt the searing pain shoot through your side, and you stumbled back, the world spinning around you. You collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath as the adrenaline faded and the pain set in.

“NO!” Natasha yelled, her voice breaking as she rushed to your side. “Stay with me! I need you to stay awake!”

You struggled to focus on her face, the worry etched in her features piercing through the fog of pain. “I… I’m okay,” you whispered, but even you didn’t believe it.

“You’re not okay!” she cried, pressing her hands against your wound, her expression fierce and determined. “You’re going to be fine. We’re going to get you out of here.”

You could feel the warmth of her blood on your hands as she tried to stop the bleeding, and as your vision started to blur, you felt a strange calm wash over you. “Natasha… I—”

“Don’t you dare say it,” she warned, her eyes fierce. “You’re going to get through this. I won’t let you go.”

But the darkness was creeping in, and you struggled to keep your eyes open. “You need to know… I care about you. I always have. I just didn’t know how to say it.”

Tears filled her eyes, and she shook her head. “You’re going to be fine. You hear me? We’re going to have our chance. You’re not going anywhere!”

As the world faded away, you heard her voice calling your name, the panic evident as you slipped into unconsciousness.

_____________________________________

When you woke up, the familiar scent of antiseptic filled your nostrils. Blinking against the bright lights, you found yourself in the medbay, a wave of confusion washing over you. You tried to move, but pain shot through your side, reminding you of what had happened.

“Hey, easy there,” a gentle voice said and you turned to see Natasha sitting beside you, her expression a mixture of relief and worry.

“Natasha?” you croaked, your throat dry. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she replied, her voice thick with emotion. “You’re the one I was worried about. You scared the hell out of me.”

You managed a weak smile, feeling a warmth in your chest at the sight of her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you through that.”

“You didn’t put me through anything,” she said, her voice firm yet soft. “I’m just glad you’re alive. You took a bullet for me, and… I didn’t know how much you meant to me until I almost lost you.”

“What do you mean?” you asked, your heart racing.

“I'm in love with you,” she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper. “I didn’t realize it until that moment. I thought I was going to lose you, and it terrified me.”

Tears welled in your eyes as her words sank in. “You love me?”

“Yes,” she affirmed, her voice steady but filled with emotion. “I’ve been so guarded, so terrified of losing anyone again that I pushed you away. But when I saw you take that bullet for me, it made me realize just how deeply I care for you.”

You felt a rush of warmth spreading through you, mingling with the pain that still throbbed in your side. “I’ve felt the same way,” you admitted, your voice trembling. “I thought you hated me. I thought I could never measure up to your expectations.”

Natasha shook her head, her eyes intense and sincere. “I never hated you. I was frustrated because I could see your potential, but I didn’t know how to express it. I was scared to let anyone in, to care again. But you broke through all of my defenses.”

A soft silence settled between you as you absorbed her confession, the weight of unspoken feelings lifted at last. “You’ve always been so strong,” you said, your voice thick with emotion. “I admired you from the moment I joined the team. But I couldn’t stand the way you pushed me away. I didn’t know how to reach you.”

Natasha reached for your hand, her touch gentle and reassuring. “I’m sorry for being such a jerk. I let my past dictate my actions, but you showed me that I could let my guard down. I’ve been so lost for so long, but with you… it feels different.”

“Different how?” you asked, curious yet hopeful.

“Better,” she replied simply, squeezing your hand. “You make me feel alive. You make me want to be a better person, and I want you in my life, not just as a teammate, but as something more.”

Your heart raced at her admission. The vulnerability in her voice resonated deep within you. “I want that too,” you said softly. “I want to be there for you, to support you, to love you.”

Her smile was radiant, and you could see the relief washing over her features. “Then let’s make it happen. Let’s take our time and figure this out together, okay?”

You nodded, feeling tears of happiness slip down your cheeks. “Together.”

The following days passed in a haze of healing and warmth. Natasha was by your side every step of the way, her presence a constant source of comfort. She helped you with physical therapy, always encouraging you to push yourself while reminding you to take it slow. The camaraderie that had once been strained was now blossoming into a deep friendship, one that felt like the beginning of something beautiful.

As you regained your strength, you and Natasha began to explore the depths of your relationship. Each shared glance lingered a little longer, every accidental brush of hands sent sparks racing up your arms. The tension that had once filled the air was now charged with an unspoken promise, and you both felt it.

One evening, as you sat on the rooftop of the Avengers Tower, the stars twinkling overhead, you found yourself wrapped in a blanket beside Natasha. The view of the city stretched out before you, a sea of lights dancing in the darkness.

“Can you believe it?” you asked, gazing at the skyline. “A few weeks ago, we could barely stand each other.”

Natasha chuckled softly, her shoulder brushing against yours. “I can believe it. I was a complete idiot.”

“Yeah, but you’re my idiot now,” you teased, nudging her playfully.

She turned to you, her expression suddenly serious. “I’m really glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you.”

“I’m here now,” you said, looking into her eyes, the depth of emotion reflected back at you. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

Natasha’s gaze softened, and she leaned in closer. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What are we doing? I mean, where do we go from here?”

You took a deep breath, the weight of her question settling in your chest. “I think we take it one day at a time. I want to explore this, to see where it leads us. I don’t want to rush anything.”

Her lips curled into a warm smile, and she nodded. “That sounds perfect to me.”

The moment felt electric, and as the city buzzed around you, you felt a sense of peace envelop you. The road ahead would undoubtedly be filled with challenges, but for the first time, you felt ready to face them, hand in hand with Natasha.

Days turned into weeks, and your relationship deepened further. You became inseparable, your bond growing stronger with each passing moment. The other Avengers noticed the change and you could sense their supportive glances and knowing smiles. Even Tony, usually too busy with his antics, offered an unexpected thumbs-up one evening, raising a playful eyebrow as you and Natasha shared a lingering kiss.

“Hey, you two lovebirds! Save some for the rest of us!” he called out, a teasing grin plastered on his face.

You and Natasha broke apart, laughter spilling from your lips. “You’re the worst!” you yelled back playfully, but your heart swelled with happiness.

As time went on, you both faced missions that tested your skills and courage. Each battle fought together brought you closer, solidifying your teamwork in ways you never thought possible. You learned to trust each other implicitly, a silent understanding passing between you as you navigated danger side by side.

Then came another high-stakes mission, this time targeting a global arms dealer who was threatening the world’s security. The team gathered in the war room, strategizing and preparing for the dangerous infiltration.

“You ready?” Natasha asked, her voice low, filled with determination.

“Always,” you replied, matching her intensity.

As you geared up, you could feel the familiar thrill of adrenaline coursing through your veins. But this time, it was different. You were no longer just trying to prove yourself, you were fighting alongside someone you loved, someone who had your back.

The mission unfolded smoothly at first. You and Natasha moved with precision, taking down guards and making your way through the facility with ease. But as you reached the heart of the operation, everything fell apart in an instant.

A trap was sprung, and chaos erupted. Guards flooded the area, guns blazing. You fought valiantly, but in the whirlwind of gunfire, you felt the sharp sting of pain in your leg as a bullet grazed you.

“Get down!” Natasha shouted, shoving you behind cover, but it was too late. You could feel the adrenaline fading, replaced by a sense of dread as you realized you were injured.

“Natasha, I-” you started, but she cut you off.

“Stay with me! We have to get out of here!”

You tried to push through the pain, focusing on the mission and the love you felt for her. “I can’t leave you,” you replied, gasping for breath. “You have to go!”

“No!” she insisted, her eyes fierce. “I’m not leaving you behind!”

As the chaos raged around you, you felt your strength waning. “I love you, Natasha,” you managed to say, the words spilling from your lips before you could stop them. “No matter what happens… just know that.”

Her expression softened, and you could see the fear and determination in her eyes. “You’re going to be fine. We’re getting out of this together!"

But as the battle intensified, you could feel the darkness creeping in again, threatening to consume you. “I… I can’t…” you whispered, your vision blurring.

“Stay with me!” Natasha shouted, her voice breaking. “Please!”

With everything you had left, you forced yourself to focus on her. “I’m here,” you said, but the world around you was fading. “Just… stay close.”

The last thing you remembered was her voice, fierce and determined, echoing in your mind. “I love you! You’re going to be okay! Just hold on!”

_______________________________________

When you woke up in the medbay, the faint sound of beeping machines surrounded you. Panic shot through your veins as you tried to sit up, only to be met with a sharp pain that radiated through your leg.

“Easy there,” a gentle voice said, and you turned your head to see Natasha sitting beside you, her expression a mixture of relief and concern.

“Natasha?” you croaked, your throat dry. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she replied, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “You scared me half to death, you know that?”

“I thought I lost you,” you admitted, your heart racing. “I didn’t want to die without telling you how I felt.”

She leaned in closer, her voice soft yet fierce. “You’re not going anywhere. I’m not letting you out of my sight again. I love you, and you’re going to be okay.”

Relief washed over you as her words sank in. “You really mean it?”

“Absolutely,” she said, her expression serious. “I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life. You’re my partner, and I want to fight for you every day.”

Tears filled your eyes as you reached for her hand, intertwining your fingers. “I love you too, Natasha. You’ve become my everything."

She smiled, a genuine warmth spreading across her face. “Then let’s take this one day at a time. Together.”

As you sat there, hand in hand, you realized that the battle you had fought was just the beginning of a new journey.

What can I say, I love the angsty stuff way too much :)

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #marvel #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff one shots #mcu imagine #natasha imagine #natasha angst #angst to fluff #enemies to lovers #slow burn #black widow x y/n #black widow imagine #black widow #natasha romanoff fanfiction

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