#Freida the mustache

[choicescreen]

marion's upper lip curls in a snarl. his mustache follows along with it. "now, young man, i have shown you more courtesy—"

one thing that must be said about mister larue: he isn't as hard-hearted as his sour attitude suggests, though xeno has a big advantage over the other roughnecks that come looking for bed and board. he sweetened the pot with his knowing freida. marion could never deny her anything.

and, a little selfishly, he wants to know more about this puckish boy. one doesn't see a snowstorm conjured out of thin air, inside, without being curious.

"very well," said like swallowing a live worm. "but if you do not stay true to your word, it is your bond while you're under my roof, you will get the boot." he flops down into his chair, limbs as long as a horse's, with a huff. his neck rolls along the upholstered headrest, as if wrestling with his conscious, before he stops and fixes his gaze on xeno. "what is it you are going to do to acquire your payment? do you have a job lined up, or do you intend to have a little fun at a yokel or two's expense?"

he can't say he doesn't find the second option funny. he is a showman above all else.

life has taught xeno many lessons, but he has yet to learn the fine art of subtlety—or even that of repression. his pride has faced a number of indignities, but not yet suffered enough for him to learn to shield this side of himself from strangers.

a grin itches, the delight of an i-told-you-so. he turns this look of amusement onto marion and his stammering, guided by the man's hand as he lets his own be shaken, up and down.

"i'll accept your deal." despite his gifts, xeno has little room to argue here; freida helped him plan his journey, and obtain a ticket for his passage, but he has since lost sight of his friends and his money. his pockets are empty, but he has different tricks to pull. "if you throw in one night for free. i can pay you tomorrow. no sooner."

as he speaks, the spiralling ballet of snowflakes steadily begin to drift back towards xeno's free, outstretched hand. one by one, they gather on his palm, his wrist, his forearm, before sinking back into his skin.

he smiles at marion. "will you send freida your apologies for doubting her?"

[shirley-exception]

I've fallen out of the habit of making the birds forage because I wake up, get ddessed, feed the birds and run out the door for work. I'm sure other bird owners are the same! So here's a quick and easy foraging idea: non-food items in the food bowl! You can cover the bowl with paper, put beads in the bowl, all sorts of things that make eating more complicated than "shove face in bowl, eat." Freida is more interested in the candy charms than the food.

[justzawe]

Zawe Ashton on Bringing Her "Quirky" Love Story to Life in "Mr. Malcolm's List"

Zawe Ashton grew up a Jane Austen lover. Her gateway to the world of Regency romance? 1994's "Emma," starring Gwyneth Paltrow as the titular heroine.

"When you've loved a book and you see it being imbued with so much contemporary humor and with one of the biggest movie stars in the world at that time, it feels exciting," the actor tells POPSUGAR. It's appropriate that Austen's prickly Emma was Ashton's favorite, since her scene–stealing character in the Regency romance "Mr. Malcolm's List," Julia Thistlewaite, is, as she puts it, "so Emma-y." Plus, Ashton's middle name is Emma.

Ashton only had 24 hours to decide to sign on to the movie, directed by Emma Holly Jones (another Emma!) and based on the novel by the same name from Suzanne Allain, who also wrote the screenplay. "I read the script. It was the intersection of so many genres that I am passionate about, rom-com and this new wave of Regencycore that we're seeing," Ashton says. She fell in love with her character immediately. Plus, Ashton has a "very clear intentionality" about supporting first-time female and other underrepresented directors. It was easy to say yes.

Ashton explains about the film's premise, "We meet her four seasons into her unsuccessful matching with the husband. Just felt like something was very contemporary about meeting a woman at this point in life where society and her mother and all of this messaging is saying, 'For goodness sake, just make a match already, just marry yourself off.' "

But Julia, for all her wealth and snark, is still intent on marrying for love, a promise she made to her friend Selina (Freida Pinto) when they were young girls at school. "She's a woman who knows her own mind, and society isn't necessarily supporting that," Ashton explains.

Once Ashton arrived on set, she says it was easy to form connections with the rest of the ensemble, who she calls "glorious." There was, of course, the challenge of getting to know people when COVID-19 restrictions demanded they wear masks and shields most of the time. But she says that they quickly realized they had a lot of connections, and with familiarity came "effortless" chemistry. Her favorite scene to film was the big dinner party, for which most of the cast was together. "All of that fizzy energy was just really palpable."

"You're not supposed to say that," Ashton admits. "You're supposed to say, 'I worked very hard to establish the connections. I was working hard to pretend that I liked Oliver Jackson-Cohen.' Actually, we became best friends on day one. And the only challenge that I saw presented to me was how I was going to keep a straight face in doing a film with him."

Jackson-Cohen plays Julia's cousin Lord Cassidy, and the two are a classic, catty pair of friends. "We are very much hoping for a spinoff," she jokes. "So if you could just start that campaign, that would be wonderful."

Ashton's onscreen love interest is Theo James as the dashing and slightly ridiculous Captain Henry Ossory; viewers might not even recognize him with his resplendent mustache. "I'm looking forward to people seeing the blooper reel so they can see just how hard it was to not break character when I was with him," she says. "He's got such a wicked sense of humor."

"Theo's such a brilliant romantic, leading partner as well, because he was kind of the anti-hero," she says. "And it's just so much easier sometimes when you don't have to carry the central love story. You can be much more quirky, maybe a bit more acerbic. And that was just very, very fun to do with him."

The other relationship she loved playing out was that between Julia and Selina. "[It's] that push and pull friendship that has existed from childhood that feels so familiar and safe, that you can sometimes show up as maybe not the best version of yourself, but it will always hold you and sustain you," she says. Ashton explains that she's had similar "very long, fruitful female relationships" in her life.

Ashton hopes she's "quite different" from her character, though she loved diving into Julia's mind. "There's something about the way that she leans into high society," she explains. "Bless her, she's been really conditioned and trained to exist in that echelon of the world. And that was something that I really, really loved embodying and getting under the skin of. Because I personally am not about to go to the opera wearing a huge feather and have that be a status symbol."

Julia, she notes, also "finds it hard to let her guard down." "I don't struggle with that," she explains. "I let people in all the time. I don't have a guard. I need to build a guard. So it was very satisfying to play someone who has that edge to her."

Julia gets her happy ending, and it mirrors some big changes in Ashton's own life. On June 29, Ashton and her fiancé Tom Hiddleston went public with the news that they're expecting their first child. And her career keeps on rolling; in 2023, she'll appear in "The Marvels," the upcoming "Captain Marvel" sequel.

But it's not a happy ending for Ashton; she's just getting started. (x)

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: HILLBILLY ELEGY

I ACTUALLY WATCHED THIS MOVIE Y’ALL. I promised I would watch some Oscar movies instead of prestige TV shows with bad red wigs so I sorta did that: I watched Oscar bait. Because lordt knows this movie is not winning any Oscars (and if it does, it is truly the asterisk Oscars). THIS YEAR YOU GUYS. There is so much to discuss in this movie. Yes, the wigs too. Also there are lots of spoilers but here’s the thing: THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT WATCH IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AND INSTEAD JUST READ THIS REVIEW. I WATCHED THIS HORROR SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO! YOU ARE WELCOME! 

We begin in Kentucky 1997. AND EVERYTHING IS JUST SO KENTUCKY 1997. All landscapes/cars/people are beige and broken and depressed. We meet JD who is good at biking and saving turtles and spending the summer with his messed up family. HE IS ALSO A TERRIBLE ACTOR AS IS THE OLDER VERSION OF HIM. Important note: I did not read this book and the real JD is an awful Libertarian asshole and nothing about his story, his book, or this movie should be supported. I AM HERE FOR THE WIGS, Y’ALL. MOVING ON!

As promised, Glenn Close as JD’s grandma MAMAW (YES THAT IS HER CHARACTER NAME) looks exactly like Gene Shalit. A friend of mine made this comparison and I cannot unsee it. Amy Adams, straight off (ok maybe several years off?) deglamming for Sharp Objects is just completely frizzed (and kinda strung) out. These wigs are truly abominable as is this film. Anyway, they leave Kentucky and go back to Ohio where they live and where it is somehow more depressing than Kentucky. 

But ok the wig, y’all. Amy Adams hair is is as shitty and unmanageable as her character which might have been a choice? Still, this wig is a tangled, dried out nightmare that cannot be defended (nor can this character’s child abuse and drug problems). Within moments of returning to Ohio, Amy Adams scolds her child for allowing a gifted dog to pee on her wall to wall carpeting and then the cops have to break up a car slap fight (of her slapping her child!) that spills out into a neighbor’s house. SHE MIGHT BE THE WORST MOM IN HISTORY BUT SHE SHOULD DEFINITELY BE ARRESTED FOR WIG CRIMES.

ONTO GLENN CLOSE - SHE LOOKS LIKE GENE SHALIT. THE END. Whoever approved this wig is a huge fan of American film critic Gene Shalit sans mustache. It is the only possible explanation. AND THIS PATCHY MAKEUP. I CANNOT YOU GUYS. I realize that everyone was aiming for deglam Oscars but they went too far.��

ANYWAY. This film flashes between 1997 and 2011, where older JD (again also a terrible actor) is somehow in law school at Yale (OK?) and dating Freida Pinto who this film claims is normal law school age (FUN FACT: she’s 37). Older JD kind of has his life together other than the fact that all the snobs of law school cannot deal with this hillbilly kid who doesn’t know what a salad fork is. And then JD’s sister (played by Haley Bennett aka offbrand Jennifer Lawrence who I actually prefer more) calls and says that MOM IS IN TROUBLE PLEASE RUIN ANY LAW PROSPECTS AND COME HOME EVEN THOUGH MOM IS ABSOLUTELY THE WORST. AND HE DOES YOU GUYS!

Amy Adams’ 2011 wig/makeup/everything is probably the visualization of 2020? I assume this wig was made from leftover parts from Glenn Close’s Gene Shalit wig grafted onto a Halloween fright wig. It could very easily work for a swamp witch costume if you didn’t care about the quality of your swamp witch wig. IT IS THE WORST AS IS SHE. So she was in trouble because she overdosed on heroin...of course she did. After driving all night to get to Ohio, JD gets a call for a second interview at an important law whatever and just HAS TO GET BACK TO NEW HAVEN in the next like 6 hours which still feel like 600. The whole time he’s dealing with Amy Adams and her fright wig, it is a race against time to see if he’ll make it back and secure his future. I guess this is the plot of the movie? I could honestly not tell you. Basically the whole film (if you can call it that?) is strung together vignettes of strung out Amy Adams and yelling Glenn Close that never really add up to anything? BUT THERE IS SO MUCH YELLING ALWAYS. It’s like the opposite of a slow burn - it’s just constant flames and not the cool gay kind.

In any case, we flash back to the ‘90s where Amy Adams’ wig is basically everything Tonya Harding ever hoped and dreamed for (other than that Olympic medal...also Amy Adams would have been a much better casting choice in I, TONYA which had vastly superior wigs BUT I DIGRESS). We see how this drug habit developed - Amy Adams was a nurse and hoarded pills! This leads to the most truly outrageous film sequence I have seen in a long time where high as hell Amy Adams roller skates through the halls of the hospital where she works in her damn nurses scrubs and obviously immediately gets fired. Also her dad dies! Also she tries to kill herself and ends up screaming bloody murder (also covered in blood) in the middle of street and then goes to rehab (rehab doesn’t work). And then gets married to some rando. And then she gets some new job and needs JD to lend her some pee so she can still be a nurse. This all happens in the course of like 10 minutes.  Like I said, this movie is constant insane vignettes - it’s like 100 plots at once and also no plot at all.

And then JD - definitely out of nowhere - develops a gang of terrible drug addicted teenage friends (sure!) who steal/crash cars and make everyone super pissed at JD. ALSO! For reasons unknown or ever explained, Glenn Close ends up in the hospital herself and then has the realization that only she can save JD from his effed up life AND TEARS ALL THE IVS OUT OF HER ARM AND STORMS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL WITH NO CONSEQUENCES OR EXPLANATIONS AS TO WHY SHE WAS THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU GUYS. 

Also! JD tries to steal a graphing calculator for school from Radio Shack (this is for sure the most 90s sentence I’ve written in a while!) AND GLENN CLOSE IS PISSED! She lays down the law and also buys the graphic calculator herself even though that means they have to live off meals on wheels. BUT! Then he gets the best grade of the entire class on his math quiz and I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW HE KNEW HE HAD THE BEST GRADE IN THE ENTIRE CLASS AS THIS IS NEVER EXPLAINED OR SHOWN AND I NEED ANSWERS! Regardless, the graphing calculator not only saved JD’s grade point average but maybe set him on the path to Yale??? The concept that consumerism is the only thing that will help you as a “hillbilly” is really troubling and bespeaks the issues with this work of non-fiction as a whole. Anyway this movie really want you to know that GRAPHING CALCULATORS SAVE LIVES!!!

There is also a wig battle royale between Amy Adams and Glenn Close wherein there are absolutely no winners (but we, the viewer, definitely loses most!) It is honestly unclear to me how this fight ends (or how any fights end in this movie) because every interaction turns immediately into a fight and when said fight reaches its zenith, the movie cuts away to another vignette! Regardless, the wigs are complete garbage AS IS THIS MOVIE.

Back in 2011, Amy Adams refuses to be admitted to a rehab facility and older JD drives her back to her druggie boyfriend’s house which looks like this and I was like...hold up where have I seen this house before?

The answer is: 2010′s THE FIGHTER ALSO STARRING AMY ADAMS DEGLAMMING HERSELF FOR AN OSCAR SHE DIDN’T WIN! Ok actually in comparison, these houses aren’t that similar other than they are depressing houses with multitier front porches BUT STILL. 

Anyway, JD leaves Amy Adams and her sad swamp witch wig at some random motel where nothing is resolved between them at all and then he drives all night back to New Haven whilst talking to Freida Pinto on the phone (SHE NEEDS TO SLEEP TOO, DUDE! HOW DO YOU THINK SHE IS PLAYING 14 YEARS HER JUNIOR! SLEEP!) And then...he does get to the interview and....the movie ends!! WHAT!TRULY AND FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART: WHAT DID I JUST WATCH AND WAS IT A MOVIE? I STILL DON’T KNOW!

There is an epilogue of pictures of the real people and you guys: MAMAW LOOKED NOTHING LIKE GENE SHALIT. Also why do I even care about these real people???? Yes the real JD made something of himself....he wrote the book on which this movie is based and became a Libertarian asshole and worked with Peter Theil?!?! OK??? I guess the full story is in the epilogue? But this movie absolutely begins and ends nowhere and in between we are treated to a lot of nonsensical yelling and terrible, awful, no good wigs. I IMPLORE YOU: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!!! MAYBE WATCH SOME YOUTUBE CLIPS OF GENE SHALIT INSTEAD! 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[doctortwhohiddles]

The last few times I went to the fine arts museum, I bought Funko type figurines of famous painters. They each have a fun little twist. The Dali one comes with a set of 3 different mustaches, Van Gogh comes with a regular ear and a bandaged one and my Freida comes with an anatomical heart and a parrot. Today, I found out that the company that makes them is from Québec. I now love them even more.

[169pd]

2018 Character List update

Adèle Doucette(France, Independent, 2018): Artist who uses a Blackbox Innovations magic paintbrush and reusable canvas.

Alfonzo Vercelloni(Italy, Shadow-Ops, 2006): Sierra Team's main pilot and reconnaissance operative.

Ayumi Myeong(Korea, Military Juggernaut 001, 2009): The first Military Juggernaut of the new viking class operatives and ace paintball player.

Billis McPhail(Ireland, Detroit Outsiders, 2005): Pedro's roommate and pool hall employee.

Blackjack[James Riley](USA, Military Juggernaut Officer 100, 2008): Commanding officer of Charlie Team with a card game motif.

Blaque[Nathaniel Kingston](USA, Military Juggernaut 187, 2008): Automotive customization enthusiast and Charlie Team's engineer.

Bullshark[Bentley McGuffin](England, Military Juggernaut 108, 2008): Former SAS operative and Charlie Team's point man, an old man with a temper.

Charlie Biggins(USA, Military Juggernaut 007, 2008): Support unit for Charlie Team and main driver, known to be rather flamboyant and childish.

Chihiro Jihara(Japan, Tokyo Crew, 2004): Clothes store employee, Mr. Morris' love interest, and fastest character in the series.

Corina Dimesworth(Wales, Thunderfist Group, 2008): Genetic look-alike to Mina, and right hand woman of the Thunderfist Group.

Crokk [Hunter Ramsey](Australia, Military Juggernaut 121, 2008[was once scrapped, now revived]): Charlie Team's main sniper and good natured Ausie, prefers the DSR-1.

Crystal Tracey(USA, Wild Girls, 2006): Warm hearted adult video star, joins in on Mandy's antics.

Daedalus(Nethuron Realm, Reformed AI, 2012): Once the guardian of the Hypnophobia realm, currently Mr. Morris' AI helper.

Detective LaFrench(France, Independent, 2005): French entertainer and private eye with questionable track record.

Dissidius(Neturon Realm, Alien AI, 2010): Creator of the Abstraction Zone, and self aware Artificial Intelligence with access to universe warping technology.

Frankie MacDougal(USA, The Buddies, 2006): Alabama fat dude who's a man of simple tastes, one of the stars on the Buddies podcast & livestream show.

Freida Reinhardt(Switzerland, Military Juggernaut 141, 2016): Medical specialist for Foxtrot Team, close friend of Reiner.

Garry Thompson(USA, Kings Men, 2006): Clumsy squire on the TV show, The Kings Men.

Gecko Newt(Beastalia, Secret Agency, 2008): Anthropomorphic Gecko and secret agent for FBI-like agency.

Gerald Thunderfist(France, Thunderfist Group, 2007): Top hat and monocle donning terrorist leader with a handlebar mustache and 1930's villain motif.

Gold Rolla\Maxwell Keyes(USA, Detroit Crew, 2005): Bling salesman who gets involved in the various Detroit Crew antics.

Grimm Finch(USA, The Buddies, 2006): Grin bearing Alaskan dude with nerdy interests, one of the stars on the Buddies podcast & livestream show.

Izumi Morimura[Previously Ichigo](Japan, Tokyo Cafe, 2006): Catgirl super heroine who specializes in hand-to-hand & whips.

Jason L. Wilson(USA, Marine Corps, 2007): USMC sergeant and man of cultured tastes.

Joe Johnson(USA, Military Juggernaut 221, 2004): Sierra Team's sniper, husband to Molly and tallest character in the series.

John "Snake" Bauer(USA, Shadow-Ops, 2008): Charlie Team's stealth operative who makes use of long range rifles, prefers the M24.

Kaori Asayama(Japan, Tokyo Crew, 2004): Meteorologist for JNN Tokyo News, obsessed with Satomi.

King Haroldson Flooperbottom(USA, Kings Men, 2016): The king on the TV show, The Kings Men.

Kotone Takamura(Japan, Military Juggernaut 086, 2017): Fire Ant operative of Foxtrot Team, has immense pyrophilia and gets gassy when arroused.

K-Rocka\Karl Stansfield[Previously The Thug](USA, Detroit Crew, 2005): Regular homeboy of the Pimpuh's Homies, the more rambunctious of the brothers.

Krummy the Crabber(USA, Kings Men, 2006): Source of surreal comedy on the TV show, The Kings Men.

Larry Connors(USA, The Buddies, 2006): Main star of the Buddies podcast & livestream show, has a showman's voice and optimistic personality

Lenny Floyd(USA, Kings Men, 2006): Nervous squire on the TV show, The Kings Men.

Maleena Binks(USA, Detroit Outsiders, 2005): Obnoxious girl who resides in Detroit, originally from Arkansas.

Mandy Miller(USA, Wild Girls, 2006): Short and stout adult video star who often gets into silly shenanigans, boisterous and dominant.

Mark Beavis(USA, Military Juggernaut 134, 2004): Sierra Team's engineer with farmboy like physique and deep voice, mostly uses assault rifles.

Maurice Serpent(Neo Gaia, Independent, 2008): Broody edgy vampire from a earth-esque planet.

Mavis[Real Name is Mahir Majrashi](Israel, Independent, 2006): Israeli refugee who lives with Sierra Team.

Megumi Chisaka(Japan, Western Industries, 2018): Head scientist of Western Industries in Barrie and source of cuteness.

Mikey Carlson(USA, Military Juggernaut 127, 2004): Sierra Team's demolition operative, with a Cartman-like voice and personality, shortest character in the series.

Millie Summers(England, VSAC, 2017): Lead scientist for Valkyrie Star, warm-hearted and good with galactic mapping.

Mina Aimoto[Previously Mint](Japan, Tokyo Cafe, 2006): Birdgirl super heroine with gassy tendencies, proficient with bow-type weapons

Mindy LeBlanc(Scotland, VSAC, 2017): Lead scientist for Valkyrie Star, bluntly honest and vulgar with a knack for pulse engines and machines.

Molly Johnson(USA, Johnson Family, 2008): Wife of Joe, southern belle and embodiment of the rural south.

Mr. Morris(Canada, Military Juggernaut Officer 169, 1998 [Revised in 2004]): Main hero, commander of Sierra Team, Chihiro's love interest & wielder of the Electro-Blade.

Oscar Warner[Usually called the Jazz Man](USA, Independent, 2006): Louisiana jazz musician who gets involved with everyone's antics.

Pedro Fernandez(Mexico, Detroit Outsiders, 2005): Billis' roommate and occasional luchador.

Pimpuh Simmons\William Stansfield(USA, Detroit Crew, 2005): Detroit pimp and lead of the Pimpuh's Homies, the mature and rational of the brothers.

Quince "The Boo Man" Brandis USA, Detroit Outsiders, 2005): Hitman for hire on the streets of Detroit, was once contracted to assassinate Malina.

Reiner Vorschlaghammer(Germany, Military Juggernaut Officer 116, 2004): Sierra Team's medic, arrogant but intelligent, and uses shotguns.

Ross Pilkington(USA, The Buddies, 2006): Boisterous muscular man with manly interests, one of the stars on the Buddies podcast & livestream show.

Ryoko Makino(Japan, Tokyo Cafe, 2018): Dolphin-girl super heroine who is left-handed, wields a bo staff.

Satomi Nozaki(Japan, Ex-Shadow Ops, 2016): Tallest female character, admirer of anything cute and owner of a plushie store.

Tim Jenkins(USA, The Buddies, 2006): Short boy with meatwad-like voice and prankster tendencies, one of the stars on the Buddies podcast & livestream show.

Tommy C\Thomas Stansfield[Previously The Goon](USA, Detroit Crew, 2005): Regular homeboy of the Pimpuh's Homies, the calmer of the brothers.

Tony Antoini(USA, Mafia Boss, 2005): Mob boss, sometimes gets wrapped up in the schemes of Gerald Thunderfist.

Vanessa Dixon(USA, Independent, 2001): Gassy woman and McFatty's enthusiast, Mr. Morris' online friend.

Yumei Jiang(China, Military Juggernaut 097, 2016): Support operative of Kilo Team and expert cook, uses robotic arms.

Yumeko Minohara(Japan, Shadow Ops/Western Industries Asia, 2017): CEO of Japanese branch of Western Industries, once was a pilot during Second Korean Uprising operation.

Zakuya Fujima(Japan, Tokyo Cafe, 2011): Coyote-fox-girl super heroine, fashion model and movie star, plasma beam sword specialist.

[shirley-exception]

I am home from skiing! My dinosaurs were boarded at the vet's office for NINE WHOLE DAYS I missed these little weirdos. Here's some pictures from last night.