#Finding an HR consultant

[honeygrahambitch]

"Now there are two things we can do." Brian said and looked at Beverly and Jimmy. "We tell Tim that Will is in a relationship or we let Tim be delusional just so we can see Dr. Lecter being jealous right in front of us."

"Tim from the HR department?" Jimmy asked a bit lost. "I go on vacation for once and I miss all the drama."

"Basically, this guy Tim is fruity." Beverly explained. "He's been visiting the lab for all kinds of stupid reasons only to interact with Will or to ask us about Will."

"Why didn't you tell him? He's taken for life."

"That's exactly what I was telling you two just now. We could tell him or we could see what happens." Brian went on. "Imagine being Will and having two men fight for you."

"Are you jealous, Z?" Beverly asked, making Brian scowl.

"No one is fighting for Will, Hannibal has already won."

"He has but does he seem to be the type to accept other people flirting with his hubby?" Jimmy asked rhetorically.

"That's a different story, you wouldn't want to see a man flirt with your wife either."

"Dr. Lecter is consulting on the case today. If we are lucky, Tim will come by. The funniest part is that Will is completely oblivious to his attempts."

*

"The victims not only have the eye colour in common. That was supposed to throw us off." Will said thoughtfully as he looked at the three bodies. "It's something else."

"We ran all the tests. Nothing similar." Jimmy replied.

"I mean, they did have the same blood type." Beverly added. "They are all B negative."

"I suggest you all find something more specific than that, we are not about to tell people to stay indoors if they have green eyes and the B negative blood type." Jack demanded a bit too impatiently. "Doctor?"

Hannibal was reading the case file just as Beverly was handing him the report following their tests. "We will find it, Jack." He replied not even lifting his glance but reassuringly enough for Jack to be satisfied.

The door of the lab opened and everyone moved their glance towards the visitor.

"Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

As soon as everyone noticed it was Tim, their attention went back to the case file. Brian elbowed Jimmy subtly but not discreet enough for Hannibal to miss it. What he didn't miss was also the fact that this man who had just entered smelled really cheap.

"I hope I'm not intruding, I will be real quick."

Jack rolled his eyes. "What, Tim? What is it? Unless you solve this case I don't want to know."

Tim turned his head away from the dead bodies, visibly horrified. "I...sorry, no, not my domain. Unless they are trying to apply for a job here." He said and laughed awkwardly.

The joke made everyone in the room eye him at the same time, in a way that made Tim wish for the earth to swallow him.

"Anyway...I brought Will a coffee."

Hannibal flipped the page loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear it. "There is not sufficient information on the third victim. No medical history." He said as he watched the man hand Will the cup of coffee.

He gave Beverly a questioning glance. If anyone in that lab knew what was going on, she was the one. She shrugged awkwardly.

"We couldn't contact any relative of the last victim yet. That is why a lot of information is missing." Will explained. "Thanks'." He said absently as he accepted the cup of coffee.

Tim smiled widely, making Brian bite his own tongue in an attempt not to laugh.

"I like your shirt." Tim blurted out just like a teen who has been practicing the whole morning in front of the mirror.

Will was not phased, he was so focused on the third body that he didn't even hear the remark.

"I do too, I got it for him." Hannibal replied, making all the eyes in the room go to him. To Hannibal, that was never something to intimidate him. On the contrary. "It matches his eye color."

Brian kicked Jimmy again almost making him lose his balance.

However the most precious view in the room was the way Tim's face paled instantly. Out of pure stupidity, he tried to feed his own delusion and went on to ask:

"Aren't you Will's psychiatrist?" He had to convince himself that handsome man was nothing more than that.

Hannibal appreciated the poor thing for doing his homework. Although not completely.

This time Brian could not hold back his laughter, earning a punch in the shoulder from Jimmy.

Jack sighed loudly in his habitual "why can we never focus on the case" manner and didn't even make an effort to explain anything. "Please return to the HR office if you are done."

Hannibal made a mental note. Tim from HR. It was just as good as a business card. "Not anymore. Fact which makes buying clothes for my husband completely ethical."

Will lifted an eyebrow subtly.

"I didn't know Will was married." Tim mumbled taken aback, his heart and spirit visibly breaking.

"Will didn't know either." Will replied. "But I suppose I'm as good as married, indeed." He added thoughtfully before looking at one particular detail on each body.

"How does this discussion help us solve the case?" Jack asked, the frustration visible on his face.

"It does, in fact. If you check the victims you will notice they each wear the same ring. If you trace that back to the jewelry shop they got it from, we will have a new lead."

"I should have Tim in the lab more often." Jack said, pleased by the new connection.

"I don't think I will ever be able to come by. I don't like being led on." Tim said and left the room, making Brian almost choke.

"Who was that?" Will asked when he heard the door of the lab. "And how did I end up with this coffee?"

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Paradigm Shift 1

Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such noncon/dubcon, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.

Summary: you get transferred to a new position but it's hardly a breath of fresh air. (plus!reader)

Characters: Loki, Bucky Barnes, this reader is known as Billie.

Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself💜

💼Part of the Bad Bosses AU💼

“So, I’m sending you over to logistics,” Mr. Odinson nearly knocks over your pen cup as he sits on the corner of your desk. He gargantuan figure makes you fear for the integrity of the furniture beneath him. “I trust you can keep things tidy there.” 

You want to ask why you but don’t dare. Thor can be pleasant enough. Personable, friendly even, but you’ve also heard how his voice turns to thunder when he’s angry. You’re not shy of the stories either. Wandering eyes and hands. You don’t think they’d ever find you but you’d rather steer clear of the risk. 

“Logistics?” You wonder. 

“Mm, yes, my brother and his new partner,” he waves his hand dismissively, “they’re in need of a desk jockey to mind their dates. When I tell you how many meetings I’ve shown up to and met only an empty table.” 

“Uh, yes, sir, that sounds... bad,” you eke out. 

“Mm, yes,” his eyes flick up and down, “as it were, Fandral said you did rather well on his little task force so you will go down and sort them out. I would warn you but it better you find out for yourself. Perhaps those two will not be so difficult for one such as yourself, eh?” 

He taps the tip of your nose and you blink in surprise. You’ve witnessed it before. A bit too touchy for HR’s liking but they don’t do anything about it. After all, if you make money, then who cares how you behave? 

“When do I... start?” You ask. 

“Now,” he shrugs, “suppose sooner is better.” 

“Now?” You can’t help the shock in your voice and he narrows his eyes, “yes, sir. Um...” 

“There are boxes in the copier room, pack up your things, they should be expecting you... I think,” he stands and scratches his beards, “who’s to say if they read the email.” 

You’re hardly feeling good about this. He hasn’t said one thing that’s made you confident in your reassignment. You prefer the familiar and after two years, this is finally comfortable. Of course you’re the sacrifice they’ve chosen. Now you have start all over again. 

You get up as Odinson leaves and you head off to the copy room. You find an empty paper back and return to your desk. You put your pen cup inside, your ergonomic keyboard and mouse, the next person can put in a request, and you empty your single drawer into the bottom. You put your bag and coat on top and bid a wordless goodbye to your cubicle. No one else even seems to notice as you pack up your laptop. 

Logistics. You’re not even sure where that would be. You stick to your little corner of the company and keep your head down. 

You look it up in the office directory. A whole floor down. You get on the elevator and bob impatiently as you descend. You step off and march toward your fate. You slow as you pass between the desks of clacking keys and the smell of stale coffee. No one looks very happy. Even if they gossip terribly upstairs, at least they’re lively. 

No one looks up as you stroll by. Right. Where exactly do you go. You’re not seeing a free desk. You near a door with a placard on it. Laufeyson, Odinson’s brother. You glance over to the next door. Barnes, a newly acquired consultant. Alright. 

You knock on the first door and wait. And wait. And wait. You tap a little harder and hear shuffling from within. You step back as the door opens with a harsh swing inward. 

“What do you--” The tall main with his oily black locks stops himself mid-sentence and tilts his head, “and who are you?” 

Your eyes round. Does he not know? Your brows arch and nearly meet in the middle. You frown. 

“Your brother--” 

“Secretary,” another voice grits like gravel from behind you. “Remember?” 

You turn as the blue-eyed man blows across a mug and tastes his coffee. His hair hangs around his square jaw, a thicker set than the other man. You glance between him and Mr. Laufeyson, “secretary? Well, not exactly, your brother sent me for clerical--” 

“Secretary,” Laufeyson insists, “very well. Suppose it will ease the burden of tracking those mindless check-ins,” he makes a sarcastic quotation with his fingers, “as you will. Send a ticket to IT, have them add you to my calendar.” 

The door closes as swiftly as it opened and you stagger back. You look over at the other man as he approaches the next office and rests his grip on the handle, “My partner, Loki Laufeyson; Bucky Barnes,” He motions to himself with his cup, “send that ticket in and add my name.” 

“Yes, sir, but er, wait, I--” 

He just as quickly dismisses you with the open and close of his door. You stand dumbly in the hall and look around. What a warm welcome. You look down toward the bullpen of desks and further down the hall. So, where are you supposed to work? 

You pace up and down the short hallway. You find a closet full of old mice and keyboards, and the breakroom with its worn-out coffee maker and humming fridge. You can’t exactly work in either.  

You sigh and return to the hall. You plunk yourself down between the doors of your new bosses and open your laptop to balance on the box. You sit on your jacket and keep your purse against your thigh as you sit on your feet. You open up the support portal and file the ticket; first task done. You have to wait for access until you can do anything else since neither of them seem to want to explain very much. 

You shake your head. Why on earth did you think it couldn’t get worse? It surely feels like a demotion to be sat on the carpet with cardboard for a desk.

You wonder why you? You suppose you’re not interesting enough for Mr. Odinson to keep around. Still, he doesn’t need to punish you for not being his type. 

Well, so long as you’re paid, you’ll just have to make it work. 

[egcdeath]

making a racket

pairing: patrick zweig x reader

warnings: social media au, dates aren’t really relevant but are there for formatting purposes, mentions of a sex tape but nothing explicit, drama, no use of y/n, usernames are random, grammar isn’t the best because it’s social media, angst, fluff, more drama, twitter, gossip websites, reddit, text messages, emails, deuxmoi, so many headlines.

summary: as a celebrity, you often can’t control the narrative. you find that out the hard way when you enter a relationship with an infamous retired tennis player.

word count: 5k

author’s note: this fic was inspired by this request and was so fun to write! also, i apologize in advance if i somehow tagged you because of your username!!!

key: DM = deuxmoi (a celebrity gossip account on instagram)

CDAN = crazy days and nights (a website with blind items)

blind items = basically a riddle for celebrity gossip

EGOT = Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony Awards

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

UPDATE: today thee tennis princess herself followed retired tennis player patrick zweig. he has not yet followed her back.

[alt text: screenshot of mother following patrick zweig on instagram]

6:07 PM 8/12/22 From Earth

cleo - @filmsn0b

@popculturelvr9 could it be for that new biopic abt the tennis player?

6:08 PM 8/12/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates  - @popculturelvr9

@filmsn0b god i hope so. it’s about time she brought home an oscar. 

6:08 PM 8/12/22 From Earth

🎬🎾 - @lalalanding

@popculturelvr9 @filmsn0b it’s not a biopic fyi but that makes sense. they just started production a few days ago so he’s prob helping her learn how to play

6:10 PM 8/12/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9 

@lalalanding @filmsn0b like i said….. the Oscars are not ready for her. 

6:10 PM 8/12/22 From Earth

——

tara 🦋🐬 - @profhater

GUYS you will never guess who i just met

10:30 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

🎬🎾 - @lalalanding

@profhater who?

10:32 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

tara 🦋🐬 - @profhater

see for yourself

[alt text: me with the queen herself AHHHH]

10:32 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

🎬🎾 - @lalalanding

@profhater @popculturelvr9 LOOK

10:34 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9 

@lalalanding @profhater OMG

10:42 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9 

@lalalanding @profhater what did she say to you?

10:42 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

tara 🦋🐬 - @profhater

@popculturelvr9 @lalalanding i told her i loved her work then made some random guy she was with take the picture lol 

10:55 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9 

@profhater @lalalanding ugh i wish i was you

10:42 PM 8/22/22 From Earth

----

@deuxmoi - 9/13/22

SPOTTED

let’s see what your favorite celebs have been up to since last week

hi! i served (no pun intended) that former tennis player patrick zweig and that one actress from that one dramedy show that swept the award circuit last year at the country club i work at this weekend. they were super nice and tipped very generously! idk if they’re dating but they were definitely wearing matching outfits. 

not the first time we’ve 

heard she’s a good tipper

—-

@deuxmoi - 9/25/22

Sent via form submission from Deuxmoi

Pseudonyms, please: COURTING her

Email: balls@aol.com 

Subject: award darling and no one’s darling

Message: i work on the set of the production for a very highly anticipated movie for next summer and a leading actress and her “personal trainer” have been getting awfully cozy. we’ve caught him leaving her trailer a number of times. he definitely doesn’t fit her sweet girl persona. 

——

Blind Item #13 

This newly critically acclaimed TV actress has had her head in the clouds lately. After various reports of spotting her making quite a Racket with a consulting crew member, her publicist has been scrambling to put out fires and advising her to move on, but she insists on seeing him. 

Someone call HR.

October 3, 2022

——

r/Fauxmoi

u/aintnodiva

I know it’s not from DM but does anyone know who this might be?

[alt text: Screenshot of Oct. 3, 2022’s Blind Item #13 from CDAN]

⬆3 ⬇

u/sinkingships212

Racket makes me think of tennis, tennis makes me think of that one upcoming movie, so I’m gonna guess Patrick Zweig is involved somehow. 

⬆15 ⬇

u/aintnodiva

No wayyy is he with the lead actress then?

⬆5 ⬇

u/sinkingships212

I doubt it. Their vibes seem totally mismatched lmao. Besides, she’s in too good of a place in her career to be with a guy whose dick pics are one Google search away.

⬆8 ⬇

u/teaspilllllt

did anyone else see that submission to DM a few weeks ago about the production for that movie? it basically said the same thing

⬆3 ⬇

u/sinkingships212

I forgot about that. It’s probably just speculation then.

⬆6 ⬇

——

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

UPDATE: it looks like the tennis movie has wrapped! this is queen leaving the set today

[alt text: paparazzi picture of a beautiful gorgeous radiant woman getting into her ride tonight]

9:45 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

🌸💐🌺 - @floraflorals

@popculturelvr she looks so sad omg who hurt her 😭

9:46 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

@floraflorals idk who did but i need to fight them

9:47 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanding

@popculturelvr9 @floraflorals girl probably patrick zweig

9:47 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

🌸💐🌺 - @floraflorals

@lalalanding ew

9:51 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

@floraflorals @lalalanding she’s probably just sad to be wrapping honestly 

9:52 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanding

@popculturelvr9 @floraflorals i still blame That Man

9:53 PM 10/15/22 From Earth

----

Blind Item #7

This highly anticipated movie featuring a highly in-demand prestige actress had a particular crew consultant stay far longer than what was necessary. From consultant, to trainer, to fuckbuddy? With production wrapping, these coworkers are not so sure where they stand. 

Someone should’ve intervened months ago. 

November 16, 2022

—--

Blind Item #4

The holidays are coming around, and this couple who are more like a double still don’t know where they stand. Maybe asking someone allergic to commitment to come to Thanksgiving was a mistake. 

November 24, 2022

—-

Instagram

@finstalice: holiday photodump!

1 hour ago

@spammmacy: i’m dead why was that tennis guy at your thanksgiving 💀

45 minutes ago

@finstalice: @spammmacy lololol a friend brought him over for friendsgiving

40 minutes ago

@spammmacy: did he do any tennis tricks for yall

37 minutes ago

@finstalice: @spammmacy ik ur joking but after a few drinks he literally did. u should’ve seen the girl who brought him 😭 she was so embarrassed but went right back to smooching him after

33 minutes ago

@spammmacy: how did she not get the ick

31 minutes ago

@finstalice: @spammmacy love is a mysterious thing

22 minutes ago

——

The Independent 

December 13, 2022

Former tennis star Patrick Zweig and up-and-coming actress cozy up at intimate dinner

On Friday, the pair grabbed Italian at a notoriously hard-to-get-into restaurant. The couple shared dishes and drinks and seemed to be enjoying each other’s company. 

Zweig, 29, recently retired after a season that ended in injury. His retirement came after a series of scandals, most notably being a risqué leak of his camera roll. 

At 29 herself, she is coming off the heels of a very busy award season. Taking home her first Best Actress Emmy and BAFTA awards, she also recently received her second ensemble cast award.

The two seem to be an interesting pair, having finished wrapping a movie they were both working on in late October. The unlikely friendship comes on the heels of murmurs about a potential relationship.

“They’ve been enjoying their newfound friendship. It's rare for her to find someone with similar life experiences that she can genuinely bond with,” an insider told us. 

We have to wonder what they discussed over dinner. 

——

Buzzfeed

January 1, 2023

Cheers to the New Year! 5 Celebrity NYE Parties You Wish You Attended. 

1.Forget Kim Kardashian—If you weren’t at this rising star’s NYE party, you weren’t living!

Attendees included fellow co-stars from her critically acclaimed show, cast and crew from her recently wrapped tennis-themed film, and Patrick Zweig, who she’s been spotted with a number of times. Are they our newest OTP? Vote for your favorite speculated couple in this poll here. 

——

Daily Mail

January 14, 2023

Method Acting? Two-time Emmy winner laughs with friends at Australian Open.

The television star, who hasn’t shown interest in the sport prior to her casting in her upcoming film, appeared to be relaxed and laid back with friends. Former tennis professional and new tennis consultant, Patrick Zweig, appeared to explain the ins and outs to her. The pair seemed particularly close as they shared concessions and laughter. 

Her team declined to comment. 

——

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

UPDATE: mother was spotted looking absolutely splendiferous at the Australian Open today. 

[alt text: queen with some of her friends and that tennis guy]

10:45 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanding

@popculturelvr9 awww she’s so cute

10:47 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

sage ❄️ - @sagingthetl

@lalalanding @popculturelvr9 and of course he’s just there

10:48 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

💐 - @zweignatorrr

@sagingthetl @lalalanding @popculturelvr9 can we please just be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that they’re together lol

10:51 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

sage ❄️ - @sagingthetl

@zweignatorrr @lalalanding @popculturelvr9 i mean yeah obviously they are but i don’t like him

10:55 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

@sagingthetl fair but you have to admit they’re a cute couple 

10:55 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

sage ❄️ - @sagingthetl

@popculturelvr9 no i don’t

10:56 AM 1/14/23 From Earth

——

r/TennisGossip

u/makearacquet

AITA for shipping Patrick Zweig and that actress???

I just saw a very convincing timeline on Tumblr. They’ve been distracting me at the Open. Kinda cute if they’re actually dating. Really weird if they’re just friends.

⬆-45 ⬇

u/backhandedd

YTA for not posting about the actual Aus Open during the Aus Open.

⬆48 ⬇

——

TMZ EXCLUSIVE: PATRICK ZWEIG AND MYSTERY GIRL SPOTTED GETTING FRISKY IN ALLEYWAY

January 15, 2023

Looks like today's Australian Open winners weren’t the only ones who got lucky. 

TMZ obtained an exclusive photo of retired tennis player Patrick Zweig getting hot and bothered in Australia. Though we haven’t identified his mystery woman, there’s speculation around the woman being former fling and fellow retired player Tashi Duncan, who was also spotted at the Open, or a new coworker, who Zweig was spotted sitting next to yesterday.

Zweig’s team declined to comment. 

—-

Professional Mess Cleaner: Hello?

Professional Mess Maker: hi what’s up??

Professional Mess Cleaner: Don’t even what’s up me right now.

Professional Mess Cleaner: Are you serious?

Professional Mess Maker: yes lol what’s wrong

Professional Mess Cleaner: tmz.com/patrick-zweig-and-mystery-girl-spotted-getting-frisky-in-alleyway/02948289339

Professional Mess Cleaner: THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG!!!!!

Professional Mess Maker: shittttt

Professional Mess Cleaner: Is that all you have to say for yourself!!!??? 

Professional Mess Cleaner: I hope for both of our sakes that your stupid boyfriend is cheating on you.

Professional Mess Maker: rude

Professional Mess Cleaner: I’m going to fistfight you.

Professional Mess Cleaner: You’re lucky none of these pictures show your face because it definitely shows his hand up your skirt. 

Professional Mess Cleaner: You couldn’t wait a few hours to go somewhere private?????

Professional Mess Maker: i told him we should wait.

Professional Mess Cleaner: TELL HIM HARDER NEXT TIME

Professional Mess Maker: sorry :,(

Professional Mess Maker: patrick says he’s sorry too

Professional Mess Cleaner: Apology not accepted. Especially not his.

Professional Mess Cleaner: What happened to being an easy client??? Are you getting your rebellious phase now??? Are you gonna be doing drugs on the front page of TMZ next week???

Professional Mess Maker: obviously not???? 

Professional Mess Cleaner: This week then??

Professional Mess Maker: i am not on drugs!!!!!

Professional Mess Cleaner: I wouldn’t know by the way you’ve been acting lately!!!

Professional Mess Maker: you can’t even tell who he’s making out with pls unclench

Professional Mess Cleaner: Please share who else it would be. So someone else’s publicist can deal with it. 

Professional Mess Cleaner: And if you tell me to unclench again I will quit right this minute and let you deal with this yourself. 

Professional Mess Maker: the article does mention tashi duncan by name but not me

Professional Mess Maker: but you’re so right i’m so sorry we will do better next time 😇

Professional Mess Cleaner: You better, or there won’t be a next time.

Professional Mess Cleaner: I’m serious.

——

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

UNOFFICIAL UPDATE: this is definitely them making out lol

[alt text: patrick zweig making out with we know who]

10:51 AM 1/15/23 From Earth

ZWEIGNATORS - @zweignationupdates

@popculturelvr9 how romantic

10:53 AM 1/15/23 From Earth

💐 - @zweignatorrr

@popculturelvr that’s so invasive pls delete

10:58 AM 1/15/23 From Earth

—

@deuxmoi - 1/28/23

Sent via form submission from Deuxmoi

Pseudonyms, please: ace

Email: lovelovelove@aol.com 

Subject: DEUCE

Message: this athlete and actress have been giving it their all to stay away from each other. they’re both pap magnets which is a nightmare for people trying to keep their relationship secret! we’ll see if they make it to valentine’s day.

—-

@deuxmoi - 2/14/23

SPOTTED - V-DAY EDITION

let’s see what your favorite celebs have been up to since last week

i saw patrick zweig in trader joe’s buying a bunch of flowers and chocolates.

anon pls

chivalry is not dead

—-

Blind Item #9

This newly critically acclaimed actress has run into some conflict with her otherwise smooth sailing secret relationship. He’s tired of staying quiet and she’s not ready to come forward. She really believes that bringing him as her plus-one to this major award show will heal all wounds. Only time will tell.

March 13, 2023

—

Buzzfeed

March 21, 2023

Our Top 20 Best and Worst Dressed at the 2023 Oscars

Not everyone can be a winner in this prestigious award show. Not everyone can be a winner when it comes to outfits, either. 

Best

9. This beautiful gown, which was worn by the talented Emmy winner, was only made better by the help of friend Patrick Zweig, who helped fix the train a number of times on the red carpet. 

—

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

UPDATE: THE QUEEN HAS ARRIVED AT CANNES FILM FESTIVAL

[alt text: mother looking resplendent while getting out of a car]

10:51 AM 5/15/23 From Earth

tara 🦋🐬 - @profhater

@popculturelvr9 she’s glowing!!!!!

11:00 AM 5/15/23 From Earth

🎬🎾 - @lalalanding

@popculturelvr9 i can’t wait for the first reviews of her movie

11:00 AM 5/15/23 From Earth

🎾 future EGOT winner updates - @popculturelvr9

@lalalanding they’re saying this is gonna get her the oscar and i’m not even being delusional

[alt text: a review posted on instagram that says “she’s a powerhouse in this film and is arguably the emotional core of it. her performance is subtle, but moving. her physicality and delivery is like nothing i’ve ever seen before. definitely a contender for next year’s oscars.” the post was liked by her mom, her stylist, that tennis player, and thousands of others. ]

9:05 PM 5/15/23 From Earth

💐 - @zweignatorrr

@popculturelvr awww patrick is so cute for liking! such a supportive bf 🥹

9:38 PM 5/15/23 From Earth

🎬🎾 - @lalalanding

@popculturelvr9 @zweignatorrr we don’t care about that man

9:44 PM 5/15/23 From Earth

—-

@deuxmoi - 7/19/23

Sent via form submission from Deuxmoi

Pseudonyms, please: double fault

Email: morelovelovelove@aol.com 

Subject: pen pals

Message: this athlete-actress couple whose relationship is an open secret are very sad to be parting ways. she’s going on a month long press tour and he’s staying behind. they have plans to meet up at a few locations, but she’d rather be with him than promoting her movie that’s getting SERIOUS oscar buzz.

—-

From: Gone Fishing (gonephishing@iclouud.org)             June 22

To: FishersPrice (fishersprice101@iclouud.org)

CC: BaitnSwitch (baitnswitch@iclouud.org) 

Subject: How many strokes?

Price & Bait, 

Remember how we logged into that tennis guy Patrick Zweig’s iCloud? More specifically, how he wasn’t able to fully kick us out??

You’d never guess what we just found.

Regards,

Fishy

From: FishersPrice (fishersprice101@iclouud.org)         June 22

To: GoneFishing (gonephishing@iclouud.org), BaitnSwitch (baitnswitch@iclouud.org) 

Subject: RE: How many strokes?

Please share.

Thanks,

Price

From: Gone Fishing (gonephishing@iclouud.org)               June 22

To: FishersPrice (fishersprice101@iclouud.org), BaitnSwitch (baitnswitch@iclouud.org) 

Subject: RE: How many strokes?

📎 TAPE

See attached. 

Regards,

Fishy

From: FishersPrice (fishersprice101@iclouud.org)           June 22

To: GoneFishing (gonephishing@iclouud.org), BaitnSwitch (baitnswitch@iclouud.org) 

Subject: RE: How many strokes?

Fuck. We’re gonna be millionaires. 

Thanks,

Price

——

TMZ

June 23, 2023

TMZ EXCLUSIVE: PATRICK ZWEIG SEX TAPE LEAKED… AGAIN!

Someone hasn’t learned his lesson.

The lengthy video also features a two-time Emmy award winning actress, although it didn’t seem like she was doing much acting (unless she’s better than we thought.)

The pair briefly talk and giggle before getting straight to business. The video is as sweet as it is hot— and though they’ve insisted they’re just friends, their breathy love confessions say otherwise. 

Both parties declined to comment. 

—--

ZWEIGNATORS - @zweignationupdates

was not expecting to see patrick’s racket on my tl first thing in the morning but ok. good morning i guess. 

9:34 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

nasty girl - @matchmyfreqk

@zweignationupdates sorry but like…... link 

9:36 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

ZWEIGNATORS - @zweignationupdates

@matchmyfreqk check dms

9:40 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

nasty girl - @matchmyfreqk

@zweignationupdates why was that kinda beautiful 

10:25 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

ZWEIGNATORS - @zweignationupdates

@matchmyfreqk that’s what i said! like the hand holding?? the love yous?? when he said he was gonna miss her?? i didn’t realize it was like that for them

10:36 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

—-

CLOSED - @popculturelvr9

not an update but please don’t send us or ask us to talk about the tape. it’s a gross violation of privacy and it is honestly none of our business. 

11:23 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

CLOSED - @popculturelvr9

@popculturelvr9 if you bring it up you will be blocked btw! 

11:23 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

@popculturelvr9 i swear it’s my whole timeline rn. i feel so bad for her

11:26 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

CLOSED -  @popculturelvr9

@lalalanded for it to happen right before the press tour is so bad. sending so many good vibes her way

11:26 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

@popculturelvr9 i’m sure it’ll blow over soon

11:28 AM 6/23/23 From Earth

—-

r/TennisGossip

🔴HOT TOPICS

The tape. Let’s talk about it.

u/sinkingships

Is it really any of our business? Stuff like this happens all the time and as far as sex scandals go this one’s quite tame

⬆-2 ⬇

u/Tennisfan233445

Upvote if that was one of the hottest things you’ve ever watched. Downvote if you’re a liar. 

⬆564⬇

u/NothingbuttNet

if this showbiz thing doesn’t work out i think they have a solid backup plan 👀

⬆339⬇

——

Your Fav Femininity Coach - @putmeincoach

This tape is a perfect example of why I always tell my clients not to mess with men who are above them. Super promising career down the drain over some guy.

12:02 PM 6/24/23 From Earth

User 16363627919 - @user16363627919

@putmeincoach Obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about Patrick Zweig is a fucking tennis legend and that girl is nothing.

12:34 PM 6/24/23 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

@putmeincoach @user16363627919 NOTHING???? how many prestigious awards do YOU have, User 16363627919?? i don’t think they give awards out for being a misogynistic loser

12:44 PM 6/24/23 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

@putmeincoach this is such a dramatic take lol everyone’s gonna forget about this in a week when something else happens 

12:44 PM 6/24/23 From Earth

Your Fav Femininity Coach - @putmeincoach

@lalalanded We’ll have to see. Still, you shouldn’t settle for someone who makes you act out of character like this

1:08 PM 6/24/23 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

@putmeincoach do you know her personally? not everything is so black and white and obviously they both consented and thought this would be private. 

1:41 PM 6/24/23 From Earth

—-

@deuxmoi - 6/25/23

Sent via form submission from Deuxmoi

Pseudonyms, please: breakup

Email: goodbyelove@aol.com

Subject: Cumming and Going 

Message: Apparently, this former tennis star and actress are going their separate ways after an intimate video leaked. She’s worried about the damage it might do to her career and her ability to be taken seriously. He just wants her to be happy. Her publicist has been letting interviewers know that there will be no questions answered about the tape, but this will not be a fun press tour for her.

——

Blind Item #2

The damage has already been done for this athlete-actress pair. Still, she insists on suffering through a break up on top of this scandal. 

June 28, 2023

——

Blind Item #8

This retired athlete has received countless offers from the adult film industry in the last week. This scandal is somehow even more humiliating than his last five. He says he doesn’t care, but he does. A lot. 

June 28, 2023

——

Blind Item #11

She’s losing brand deals and partnerships left and right. If she makes it through the next week alive, let alone through her press tour, it’ll be a major miracle. 

June 28, 2023

——

DailyMail

June 30, 2023

Full of Regret: Actress spotted leaving her apartment with red-rimmed eyes

Just days after a scandalous tape was leaked, we’re receiving our first sign of life from the actress. 

According to insider DoorDash drivers, she has been a very frequent customer as of late, ordering comfort food and pints of ice cream and leaving very generous tips. 

She seemed to be waiting for the storm to blow over before reentering the public, but with her and her partner’s name trending on Twitter for the past several days, it seems unlikely that it’ll happen any time soon. 

——

Professional Mess Cleaner: Just checking in. How are you feeling today?

Professional Mess Maker: even worse than yesterday

Professional Mess Maker: i want to say something but i don’t know what

Professional Mess Cleaner: The gossip cycle has already started to move on, but if you really want to say something, I can draft up a response. 

Professional Mess Cleaner: The ball’s in your court ❤️

Professional Mess Maker: no more mention of balls please 

Professional Mess Cleaner: Sorry. Got it.

Professional Mess Maker: maybe you can just say something about not letting my own decisions impact the cast and crew who worked really hard to make the film happen

Professional Mess Maker: speaking of which, have you heard from patrick?

Professional Mess Cleaner: Do you want the truth or to protect your peace?

Professional Mess Maker: things can’t get any worse just give it to me straight 

Professional Mess Cleaner: I hear from him every few hours. He wants to know how you’re feeling. 

Professional Mess Cleaner: And if you’ll take him back. 

Professional Mess Maker: ugh

Professional Mess Cleaner: You know you don’t have to be separated if you don’t want to. The cat’s already out of the bag. A united front might be better for this kind of thing anyway. 

Professional Mess Cleaner: I know how much you care about him. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Professional Mess Maker: i’m not alone though <3

Professional Mess Cleaner: You know that isn’t what I mean.

Professional Mess Cleaner: He loves you. You should reach out to him.

Professional Mess Maker: i will

Professional Mess Maker: eventually 

——

Blind Item #6

Rumor has it that this pair, who were previously attached at the hip, haven’t said more than a few words to each other in months. That doesn’t mean the feelings stopped being there. 

September 15, 2023

——

DailyMail

September 27, 2023

Tension at the world premiere?

This weekend marked the world premiere of a film that has been generating a lot of Oscar buzz. The first reviews have been mostly positive, despite the very large elephant in the room.

The average onlooker couldn’t help but notice the physical distance between Zweig and the principal actress in the film during the premiere. Despite both being there, neither were photographed together throughout the entire event. The distance feels particularly charged, considering the pair made a movie of their own not too long ago. 

——

DailyMail

October 10, 2023

PATRICK’S NEW DOUBLES PARTNER?

Late this Thursday, Patrick Zweig was spotted leaving an intimate dinner with a female friend. This is the first time he’s been spotted since the leak of his now notorious sex tape. We would be remiss if we didn’t mention that the woman he was spotted having a romantic dinner with was not the same woman from the tape.

At least she knows what she’s in for.

——

DailyMail

October 12, 2023

Actress spotted on a date with ex-boyfriend

On Wednesday, the pair were seen holding hands as they walked through the park. 

She has not been spotted with her ex-boyfriend, who she starred in her prestige dramedy television with, for almost two years. Are these two getting back together? Or simply making amends?

——

@deuxmoi - 10/15/23

Sent via form submission from Deuxmoi

Pseudonyms, please: rebounder

Email: tape@aol.com 

Subject: kiss and make up already!

Message: this broken-up couple, who have been making headlines for the most innocuous things following a rather romantic scandal, very obviously miss each other. their friends know it, their coworkers know it, even their ‘rebounds’ know it. they think the other person is better off without them in their life, but that’s simply not true. 

——

@deuxmoi - 11/8/23

Sent via form submission from Deuxmoi

Pseudonyms, please: love

Email: tellingall@aol.com 

Subject: podcast

Message: i’m friends with a friend who knows the editor of a certain podcast that’s having a very highly anticipated guest do a tell-all about a scandal very soon. here are some of the things she addresses:

there’s nothing wrong with consenting adults doing consenting adult things—but you still need to be cautious

it’s nice to have some things for yourself but when you’re a public figure you don’t always get that

and finally…. she regrets how things played out in her relationship.

this should be a good episode. 

——

Blind Item #17

This DIY Filmmaker couple are FINALLY reconciling. They won’t be making any more home movies together anytime soon, but it seems like they’re picking right up where they left off. 

November 16, 2023

——

Buzzfeed 

December 5, 2023

Top 5 Dates to go on in New York City, According to our Favorite Celebs

3. The Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Following a major scandal and radio silence on the status of their relationship, these two were finally seen together in public at this garden. They both looked genuinely happy for the first time in months. If these two can make their rocky relationship work during a date like this, you can too. 

——

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

UPDATE: GUESS WHO MADE THE OSCARS SHORTLISTTTTTTTTTT

6:35 PM 12/22/23 From Earth 

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

UPDATE: the happy couple were spotted wearing matching ugly christmas sweaters today! i suspect they’re going to the annual christmas party she mentioned on Fallon. i hope they party hard and celebrate her making the shortlist!

8:21 PM 12/22/23 From Earth 

sage ❄️ - @sagingthetl

@popculturelvr9 ngl he’s growing on me!

8:25 PM 12/22/23 From Earth

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

@sagingthetl i agree!

8: PM 12/22/23 From Earth

—

Blind Item #4

This athlete-actress couple have had quite the year. It’s only fitting that he proposed to her at the end of it. Expect to see more pictures of her hiding her hand in her pocket.

January 1, 2024

—

@deuxmoi - 1/2/24

SPOTTED - NEW YEAR EDITION

let’s see what your favorite celebs have been up to since last week

I served Patrick Zweig and his actress girlfriend at the diner I work at yesterday. They both looked very hungover and I’m 97% sure I saw her wearing an engagement ring. They were very sweet and left us a really big tip. 

—

r/TennisGossip

u/makearacquet

Has anyone checked up on Patrick Zweig and his girlfriend? I haven’t heard anything about them in kinda a while 

⬆13 ⬇

u/topspinbackspin

It’s so funny you say this. I have a friend who works for the production side of one of those really big entertainment magazines who does those roundtable for actors who are in talks for receiving awards. His girlfriend was just in one, and my friend told me that he was there and super supportive the whole time. Like, bringing her coffee the way she likes it, hyping her up during the photoshoot, and everything in between. Obviously we saw the worst of them a few months back, but they’re a pretty cute couple. I also heard somewhere that they’re engaged? But I don’t know if I believe it. 

⬆36⬇

—-

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

i’m shaking in my boots for the best actress announcement.

10:45 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

@popculturelvr idk i feel it in my bones she’s gonna win.

10:45 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

OMFG

10:55 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

🎾🎬 - @lalalanded

OH MY GOD

10:55 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

cleo - @filmsn0b

NO WAY

10:55 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

sage ❄️ - @sagingthetl

I KNEW IT LETS GO

10:55 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

tara 🦋🐬 - @profhater

IM SHAKING

10:55 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

SHES OFFICIALLY AN OSCAR WINNER I FANT BREATHE

10:55 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

sage ❄️ - @sagingthetl

AWWWW THE KISS THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SM

10:56 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

i’m sorry i literally cannot process anything rn did she just say thank you to her FIANCÉ

10:57 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

guys this is way too much. 2 awards left for her EGOT AND she’s engaged??2?3):7.8 i’m malfunctioning

10:58 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

oscar campaign era - @popculturelvr9 

who would’ve thought that a random instagram mutual follow would get us here. omfg. i love love. 

10:59 PM 3/20/24 From Earth

[highonmarvel]

Helloooo! Can i please request an au where the reader has had a few toxic relationships and she’s trying to distract herself by those by starting her own business, turns out bucky or steve are an interested investor but they never really wanted her business and just her and somehow trap her into an arrangement…Sorry if it’s too specific! 💖💕💞💗⭐️

oh, this is such a good idea, i hope i did it justice!

HR

Bucky Barnes: Your ex has made sure you’ll never get a job in NYC again, but you’re determined to keep your head above water. Just as things are getting too bleak to bare, you meet James Barnes. 18+!

Dub/Non Con Warning!

additional content warnings here!

You yawn as you close your laptop, finally done with payroll for a small nursery school a few neighbourhoods over. Who knew Grade R teachers could have such horrible internal affairs?

You heart skips a beat as the lights flicker momentarily, and you worry your electricity will be cut off, but they stabilise, and you sigh in a relief, hand over your heart.

When you left Tony, he made sure you lost your friends, and your job, and your income has been less than minimum wage, you’re barely even scrapping by. You had been through this before, boyfriends trying to ruin your life—Thor, most notably—but you had to give Tony credit for really crippling you this time.

You weren’t able to get any office jobs again, having to settle on working for a sweet old woman in a small flower shop, which was kind, but it didn’t come close to paying your bills. Still, you refused to let Tony win; you had good qualifications; you had a bachelor in HR and nearly a decade of experience, and that no one would hire you didn’t stop you.

You started your own HR consultancy, an idea you to had spoken about to a friend a few times, but you were sure Tony had took care she never even looked at you again, so you did it alone, which would be way too much for a single person, except business was slow; but, make no mistake, you worked your ass off.

The nice thing about the flower shop is the sweet old lady allows you to hand out your business card to the few customers that come in. Only four or five people had actually taken it in the time you’d been working there, and reluctantly, at that.

You drag yourself to bed and crash pretty much immediately.

As usual, the morning is pretty much empty—one woman comes in but buys nothing and another stares through the window for 10 minutes—until around midday, when the air shifts.

The bell at the top of the door pulling your attention from your daydream and to a familiar-looking, tall, broad-shouldered man wearing a nice suit, which he adjusts the cuff of as he scans the room. His eyes meet yours and he smiles. You return the smile with a, “Welcome to Miss Roe’s Flower Shop. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Though his mouth doesn’t twist, his eyes glint with something odd, making his initially warm smile seem more sinister.

“Anything I can help you find in the store?” you feel the need to clarify.

He only asks you for the red roses, which you point to and he returns to the counter with a bunch.

“Romantic,” you mutter as you ring him up, and he chuckles, softly and, seemingly, sweetly.

You hand the bouquet back to him, and he plucks a rose from it and hands it to you, “A beautiful lady like yourself deserves one,” he winks, and you blush, stuttering out a thanks as you take it.

Just as he takes a step back, you yell out, “Wait!” louder than you intended, and slightly startling him, “Sorry,” you apologise, as you slide one of your business cards off the top of the stack and hand it to him, slightly nervous for some reason. He takes it curiously and scans over it.

“HR?” he asks, “Wouldn’t have thought it.”

You don’t really have to time to process that comment, let alone come up with a response before he continues, “Perfect timing, actually, I’ve been needing help in that area. I’ll give you a call, he smiles as he pockets the card, “Oh, and,” he reaches out a hand, “I’m James Barnes.”

That’s where you know him from! Barnes Industries, one of the most advanced tech companies in North America, and the CEO is interested in having you on his team.

You give him your name as you shake his hand.

“It was nice meeting you,” he says with a determined smile before slipping out the door.

Back home, in the kitchen, you’re not sure if he’s actually is going to call, especially when it’s approaching 19h00, maybe he was just being nice. He did seem a bit flirty… but maybe you imagined it, why would he want anything to do with you? And if he were being flirty, he surely wouldn’t then hire you.

You jump as your phone rings, nearly spilling boiling water all over yourself. You set down the pot and rush to the living room where your phone is singing and vibrating on the couch.

“Hello?” you answer, slightly breathless as you rest the device on your ear.

A female voice asks if this is the number for your HR Consultancy, to which you affirm.

“Please hold.”

You press your phone against you harder, heart beating a little faster as you bounce on your toes, waiting on hold with some generic elevator music doing nothing to soothe your nerves. After nearly five minutes, you’re ready to hang up when a voice answers.

“Good evening, I’m sorry for the late hour.”

“Mr Barnes!” you exclaim, before clearing your throat and sitting down, speaking in a lower, more professional voice, “It’s no issue at all, sir. Can I help you?”

“Would you mind coming in for a meeting? 8AM sharp tomorrow. I understand if you’re working—”

“I’ll be there,” you reply a little too enthusiastically, walking over to your desk to pick up a pen and pull out your notepad, “8AM, I’m assuming at Barnes Industries?” You take down the address he gives you even though the huge, skyscraper-tall building with a giant B and a rocket logo is pretty hard to miss.

When you hang up, you can’t help but jump up and down excitedly like a schoolgirl. Finally, your luck is turning around.

You straighten your skirt as you step into the building, grateful the sweet old lady had not only given you the day off, but been super supportive, convincing you would you get the job, and that settled your nerves slightly. Only slightly, though, as you walk up to the desk where a red-haired woman sits, looking alert, but a little bored.

“How may I help you?” she asks.

“Good morning, I’m here to see Mr Barnes,” you say, and then give her your name.

At the mention of your name, her eyes widen and she quickly stands, “Of course!” she says, “Right this way.”

Her heels click on the pristine white floors as she leads you to a fancy elevator and presses the button for the top floor.

“Should I be nervous?” you ask, trying to make conversation as each floor ticks by too slowly for your liking to get to the 60th.

She laughs politely and shakes her head, leaning in and speaking lower (despite only the two of you being in an-already small space), “For anyone else, I’d say yes, but Mr Barnes has been looking forward to your meeting; I think you’ve got a real shot. In fact, I think he’d pay anything you ask.”

She pulls away and raises her eyebrows at you.

Your mouth falls slightly open but you quickly close it and gulp lightly, tearing your gaze away from her to focus on a spot on the floor just in front of the doors. You don’t know if she’s exaggerating, you assume she has to be, because how could Mr Barnes even know if you were good at your job? For all he knows, you work in a flower shop and hand out cards for subpar services. Somehow, her words make you more anxious than they are comforting.

The doors finally open and she points you to the room at the end with big double doors.

“Good luck!” she smiles, and you watch the doors shut, the numbers go down for a few floors, and you’re left on your own.

You take a deep breath and turn back to face the apparently never-ending passage. You walk down the corridor in timed rhythm, counting 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4 until you reach the end on a 2. You knock on the door and are met with a “Come in,” from a masculine voice.

You slowly open the door, resisting the urge to peek your head in first like a child.

“Good morning, Mr Barnes,” you smile, speaking cheerily but still professionally.

“Ah, there she is!” he says as he stands from his desk and walks towards you, and for some reason now you really take note of the height-difference.

He gently grips your shoulders and kisses you on the cheek, to which you stiffen slightly, but try to cover up before he notices. His hands move to your waist and he leans in; you almost sidestep him thinking he’s trying to do… something else, but he only locks the door behind you, and you can’t tell if that’s better or worse than what you were expecting.

Your nerves flare up again, but in a different sense than if you were just going in for a job interview, adrenaline starting to prepare like you’re in danger. But you’re not… right? You’ve had dozens of interviews. You assume this time it’s just more scary because it’s with James Barnes himself.

“Nervous?” he asks as he steps back and gestures to a comfortable-looking leather armchair on the other side of his desk.

“A little,” you admit with an anxious and breathless laugh. He gives you a reassuring smile as he turns to a shelf behind him.

“Don’t be,” he says as he fixes himself a drink, “Whiskey?” he offers, “5PM somewhere and all that.”

You politely decline, and he settles into his seat across from you with his drink in hand. He takes a sip and sets the glass down to set his gaze on you, and you resist the urge to shift uncomfortably under his stare… it almost seems like he’s preventing himself from sizing you up.

“Why did you start your business?” he asks, “Honestly.”

“Well, I’ve been in HR for a while now, always had a passion for it, but I wanted to be more independent, and a little more flexible.”

He raises an eyebrow, “Honestly.”

“And I…” you don’t know why you say it, but you do, “I’ve had bad experiences with boyfriends in the past—and, please let me know if I’m being too unprofessional here, sir—”

“Bucky.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Call me Bucky.”

“All right… Bucky,” you smile, “I’ve had my most recent ex boyfriend try to ruin me; he got me fired, and no serious white collar will hire me, but I’m good at what I do, and I refuse to let him stop me from using my knowledge and expertise.”

“Tony Stark, is your ex, I take it?”

Your blood runs cold, and you deflate slightly, “Yes,” you sigh, “He is, and… and he treated me horribly, I couldn’t take it anymore, and even when I’m not with him, he still finds away to make my life hell.”

“I don’t trust that sleaze. In fact, anything he says, I do the opposite. I know you’re good at what you do, I can see your passion…”

You smile, relieved he believes you.

“… and I have a passion for you.”

You freeze, so your smile is still intact, “I’m sorry?” you ask, tilting your head slightly, sure you misheard him, but how could you have?

“You’re a smart girl, you know what I’ve been feeling, and you’re smart enough to know you’ve been suppressing your mutual attraction, but maybe too naïve to understand intentions.”

“Mr Barnes—”

“Bucky,” he corrects.

“Bucky, I—”

“I’ll pay whatever you want.”

You nearly snap at him, want to tell him you’re not for sale, but you stop yourself. You really, really need this job, you can’t afford to live another month.

“I know you need this job,” he says, as if he read your mind, pulling out a contract from his desk drawer, “And imagine if both Tony Stark and James Barnes said you were awful? You’ll never work in this city again.”

A tear rolls down your cheek as you take in the weight of his words, and you clutch your bag tighter in your lap.

“You’ll never work in this country again, you’ll be ruined, you’ll have nothing.”

You choke on a sob and cover your mouth with your hand as you shut your eyes.

“Why’re you crying? Honey, I’m offering you everything.”

“Thank you for… the opportunity,” you manage to get out between a deep breath as you shakily stand, and he stands with you.

You dart for the exit, but he grips your shoulders and turns you around, pushing you against door, your lower back painfully hitting the handle.

Soft blue eyes meet yours, so gentle and empathetic and caring you nearly forget the position you’re in, “I’m trying to help you,” he says, wiping away one of your stray tears, “If you walk out that door it’s over for you, you know that.”

Tears are falling more freely now and you fumble behind your back for the door handle, but the tall wood separating you from freedom doesn’t budge.

He wipes another tear with his thumb and pops it into his mouth before pulling it out adding his middle and index finger, never breaking eye contact with you, face stoic as your chest rises and falls rapidly.

You can do nothing but stare up at him helplessly as he hikes up your skirt and pushes two fingers inside you. You grip his shoulders with a gasp and he smiles as he slowly drags in and out of you.

“Didn’t even need to do that, you’re all ready.”

You turn your head to side and look away from him, shutting your eyes as you squeeze around him. He’s right, you were already wet, but your feeling of disgust is overpowered by the sensation of him pumping in and out of your more quickly, curling his fingers and hitting your sweet spot, over and over until you can hardly take it.

“B- Bucky, stop—” you try to get out, but you convulse, your stomach tensing as you cry out and arch your back, head thrown back before falling onto his shoulder, still crying softly. He removes his fingers and strokes your hair with his clean hand.

“Did so well for me, you see,” his voice is dark in your ear despite his praise, “You’re good at your job.”

✪

[taglist; @cjand10]

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

Happy National Zookeeper Week!

I’ll admit, I’m feeling a little spicy about it this year (well, every year) because zoos use the celebration for lots of positive facility PR, yet staff don’t often get the support and respect that is claimed in those posts.

So I want to share this great article written by a zoo industry consulting group last year looking at the reality of what happens when a workforce ends up conflicted between their passion (zoos and animals) and pragmatism (paying rent, existing in a capitalist society). They assessed AZA compensation rates by region against things such as a living wage and rental rates in the area. (All text formatting within quotes, such as bold and italics, is original to the article text.)

I cannot give the Canopy Group enough support for the way they framed this research:

“By observing the economics of keeper compensation, it’s no secret that keepers land on the lower end of the wage spectrum. Like all other wages and salaries, the market value of keeper compensation is driven by several economic factors – including the size of the labor pool, the rigor and danger of the work, the technical ability required, and the educational requirements. However, there is one factor that artificially lowers the market value of keeper compensation more than any other: passion.

In this article, we’ll take a look at why passion lowers the market value of animal care worker wages. More importantly, we’ll consider many factors that have emerged in recent years that are making people reevaluate the value of following their passion – a trend contributing to The Great Resignation, especially as it applies to zoos, aquariums, and similar organizations. (…)

The argument here is passion versus pragmatism: the unknown versus the sure thing. It is a decision all zookeepers and animal care technicians have made. Working with animals is immensely rewarding, but this passion is also very popular. This, historically, has meant that the keeper candidate pool is very large. Therefore, if the wage is livable and working conditions are reasonable, the pool should remain large. In a very real sense, a passion for animals drives down the market value of keeper compensation. Anyone who has been through an Economics 101 course will recognize this as a fundamental market principle: supply vs. demand.

However, many zoos and aquariums are having a more difficult time filling positions than normal and have started to see higher turnover rates in recent years. This begs the question – is the current keeper wage too low?”

Their findings?

Here’s their graph of “the median wage of keepers from organizations in different AZA-defined regions” from an AZA survey done in 2021. (Median is the type of average that looks at the middle of a data set’s range).

The median wage for AZA keepers in the South/Southeast was just over $15/hr at the low end, and the median wage for AZA keepers in the Far West / PNW was a little under $26/hr. That’s pretty dang low everywhere, especially when you factor in the increased cost of living in places like the West Coast. Also consider that looking at the median wage doesn’t mean this reflects just entry-level compensation - this data indicates the the compensation middle for all keeper positions, including people who have built their careers as keepers in those places long-term.

Then, they compared those wages to the “living wage” in each region - which they defined as “a calculation of what it takes to live in a particular area, without any other income. A living wage calculation takes into consideration how many earners are in a household, how many children are being supported, etc. The living wage includes the costs of all the basic items a household needs to be self-sufficient.”

“If you receive a wage for a job that is below the living wage, then you are essentially taking a negative net income. This is unsustainable for the long term, and essentially defines where wages start to exploit passion.”

Here’s a figure they provided using the MIT Living Wage Calculator showing the average living wage for each of the AZA regions. The chart on the left shows the living wage for a single person with no kids; the second, for two parents with two incomes and one child to support.

“By comparing the two graphs [to the earlier graph of the AZA median compensation rates], we find that median wages in the Southeast/South and Southwest regions are lower than the living wage for each household configuration in those regions. In other words, if you are a single person household or part of a two-income household raising 1 child in the South, a starting keeper salary will likely leave you with a negative net income. While many people work at this level, it increases the risk of accumulating debt, lowers a person’s ability to afford a home, set a much later retirement age, and can lead to many other negative, long-term effects.”

Big yikes, right?

Next, they looked at living wage vs. compensation for single parents.

“The single-parent living wage exceeds the average keeper wage in all AZA regions. In fact, the living wage required as a single parent is double the average AZA keeper wage in some regions.”

And then they did housing, specifically, being able to purchase a home.

“In many places, even a two-income household at an average keeper salary would not purchase a mid-level home. This means that keepers have to wait far longer than their peers to purchase a home. While paying rent in the meantime, this rent will account for a larger portion of their income than their peers. All in, these effects can set hopeful homeowners back years or decades.”

Canopy’s conclusion was something anyone involved in the field knew was coming.

“Companies like Chipotle, McDonalds, Best Buy, FedEx, Home Depot, Publix, and Walmart are all offering similar starting wages near starting keeper wages – plus many fringe benefits (like tuition reimbursement) and ample advancement opportunities. Many potential keepers in younger generations are putting their passion on the shelf so they can meet basic standard-of-living concerns.

To attract and retain quality candidates, an organization must consider the journey each new employee would have to make over their career. If the journey is fraught with massive debt, decreased disposable income, and limited career opportunities, then you are limiting your potential candidate pool to the small group of people who have decided that following their passion is worth significant lifelong financial hardship. There are many potential candidates out there willing to sacrifice and arm and leg for animals and conservation, but they wouldn’t dare jeopardize the financial future of their dependents and families.”

This is something I’ve heard about for years, and seen first hand. The low average wage at zoological facilities has been damaging their ability to hire and retain skilled staff for as long as I’ve been involved in the industry. I know so many zookeepers who still have roommates into their 30’s, or work multiple jobs, just to be able to make ends meet.

There’s a mythology about zookeeping jobs, a narrative that seeps into the field and actively exploits people’s passion for the job: it tells people that they’re so lucky to be able to work with these rare and cool animals; that they’re greedy and ungrateful when they ask for more compensation because they’re privileged to get to have the job at all. It says that most people would give anything to have these opportunities, so current zookeepers are interchangable and easily replaceable. Ask for too much? Push for a living wage? There’s always someone willing to take your spot. Not all facilities perpetuate this mentality - some places do treat their staff well without intentionally manipulating them to stay them in unsustainable jobs, and there can be legitimate financial reasons that limit staff compensation (mostly at smaller facilities, afaik) - but it’s a reality in the field.

For a long time, this type of mentality towards staff was sustainable. There really were always more people wanting to work in the field. But now, after three years of pandemic stressors and inflation, it’s starting to be a problem. A lot of staff left during the last few years, and facilities are having a really hard time hiring people and retaining them for any duration. I think a large part of that is low compensation rates. People are prioritizing long-term financial stability and recognizing when their passion is being exploited.

When I first started on tumblr back in 2011, there was a whole group of us within the United States who were baby zookeepers or volunteering as industry hopefuls. We all became friends, and I’ve stayed in touch with, or at least aware of, most of them as their careers progressed. Of the 10-15 or so people in that cohort? I can think of three who are still employed in the zoo industry. Everyone else has moved on into other fields - often with great grief over the loss - because of the extreme emotional labor, the physical exhaustion, and the lack of appropriate compensation.

But I guess that annual pizza party, being featured on social media, and maybe getting additional snacks all week makes up for it all?

[fuck-customers]

I hate my coworker so much. Being around her is so mentally exhausting. She's constantly going on about how toxic the workplace is (which tbf, it hella is) and how much she hates the drama, then spends entire shifts complaining about and feeding into said 'drama' all while going 'oh but it's not me, I'm not being toxic, I hate the drama'.

I called her out on this behaviour once and now she makes passive aggressive remarks about it like I'm the one spending entire shifts paranoid thinking everyone is plotting my downfall. Nah fam, I'm disconnected enough from work to only care abt getting paid and that's it lol.

The thing that's sort of brought everything to a head is a few coworkers and I organised to go out for drinks after work. She ended up overhearing and inviting herself along, which is whatever - I find her annoying but it's not like I have to socialise with her exclusively so meh. However, without consulting any of us, she decides to invite one of the managers. The problem? This manager sexually harassed an ex-coworker relentless and inevitably forced her to quit when HR was more concerned with keeping her quiet and from marring their 'perfect image', then holding him accountable. Now, he just floats around like nothing happened, continuing to creep on staff half his age. Obviously none of us want to be around him and frankly resent him. When myself and a few other staff brought up that we weren't comfortable with him coming and would cancel plans she started going on a tyranid about how it's nbd and that we're all just dramatic and bitchy. Fuck off actually? You invite yourself to plans that no one asked you along to, then decide to invite another person (a known CREEP) without asking any of us, and we're the problem?? Makes sense.

I hate her, I hate working with her. I hate spending whole shifts being talked at by some narcissist who goes on and on about how it's them vs the world and ~no one understands my struggles~ I honestly just want her to fuck off.

Posted by admin Rodney

[romanoffsbish]

A PR Nightmare

Scarlett Johansson x F!R

Warnings: Drugs(the happy gas), Gaslighting(ex).

"Scarlett Johansson is my wife!” you groaned, slamming your laptop shut in the hopes of forgetting, but the embarrassing clip is now engrained in your mind. Your now ex was so jealous of your crush on your celebrity boss that she thought it best to post your drugged up form announcing it to the world.

So high on the laughing gas from your wisdom teeth procedure you'd failed to notice the camera in your face as you rambled on about the blonde starlet, not that you'd have done much of anything in the state you were in. Martha betrayed you, and all the trust you once held for her flew out the window with your relationship. She pleaded with you to let it go, that it was just a harmless joke, but the email you got requesting for you to meet up with Scarlett, Kate and HR told you it likely wasn't.

——

Now, all you wanted to do was to curl up in your bed and sob for days. Snuggling your tuxedo kitten impossibly close, while eating every unhealthy snack known to man. Your associated leave only lasted a few days, and the looming meeting was scheduled for tomorrow.

Quitting wasn't sounding so bad to you, but then you felt a cool breeze, remembering that living in the city wasn't cheap, and if you were to have no income lined up to replace hers you and Toby would be foraging on the streets.

"Wish me luck Tobes.," the cat lazily meowed from atop your chest, and you thanked him with a few head pats before letting a restless sleep win you over.

—

Scarlett was in her office tapping away on the computer, in an hours time she'll be on a zoom interview to address the silly issue at hand. Then a few hours later she'd be meeting you in person for the very first time, you were one of the many social media consultants on her team, and it wasn't a shock she never met you.

Doesn't mean she hadn't seen you before, her interested gaze always lingered on your form too, finding it humorous that you were so focused on getting the products lined up with the rooms natural lighting. When you were focused on that, she was focused on how that same light gave you the glow of an angel.

This video of yours might've cause a subtle uproar on the internet, but she couldn't be bothered by such a thing when it got her that much closer to you. Especially with the clear knowledge that the attraction here is mutual; The Outset sales booming is just a bonus.

While Scarlett typed away in a state of glee it was very much a polarizing experience for you. Clammy hands reached for the main entrance door, and after a few tries you'd managed to get in the building just to trip over an obvious box.

"Get it together Y/L/N," you grumbled as you wiped the dirt off your now wrinkled clothes, "Perfect, now she can think I'm a slob too."

You trudged up to your locker to put your bag away, and hopefully fix yourself up a bit. There was a group of your coworkers there, almost as if they were in wait, because instantaneous snickering occurred as you filled their view.

Ignoring them was easy enough, you'd never cared much for them anyways, so you just glared their way before making the dreadful trip up the elevator where ignoring the urge to vomit up your iced coffee was harder to ignore.

Especially when the metal doors slid open, showing you in a state of obvious duress, your fingers were aggressive as they massaged at your aching temple, and you were muttering words under you breath, you honestly looked insane. Which is why when the soft clearing of a throat was heard you froze up like a statue.

Stood before you was Scarlett Johansson, her hand on the shoulder of her co creator, and the CEO of The Outset—Kate, whom of which you were familiar with as she loved to be on the inside of a lot of the company's media promo. The older woman was smiling at you softly, her eyes dripping with sympathy, and you weren't sure how you were still standing on your feet.

"Miss Y/L/N, I wasn't expecting you for another thirty minutes, but lucky for you I'm free now," Scarlett spoke, tone even, but you could see amusement flickering in her eyes.

"I however have to go handle an emergency, something to do with legal, so it'll just be the two of you as HR only gave a form for you," Kate continued as she brushed passed, and suavely swapped places with you in the lift.

Kate's smiling face was like a lifeline in the moment, so when the doors shut you nearly collapsed to your knees. A meeting with the woman alone, the same one you embarrassed online, and who sometimes signs your checks.

You weren't sure it could get much worse, but boy were you wrong because as soon as you sat down the blonde had your video queued up, "Shall we watch this together? Or are you equally as aware of the contents as I am?"

"I-I know what was said,” you hung your head in shame, completely missing her sly smirk.

"I'm apparently the 'hottest thing since baked lasagna,” Scarlett read off a quote pulled from the unbearably long video, though she kept her voice level you could see the amusement in her eyes, and via the small side smirk she obviously tried to suppress. "But wait, at one point you mentioned that if given the chance you'd gaze into my brilliant green eyes for hours on end, but you've yet to even look me in the eyes."

"Am I being fired?" you managed to ask her the looming question. "Should you be Y/N?"

A heavy sigh left your lips as you clambered to your feet, "I'm sorry for the all the trouble I've caused you Miss Johansson, and I'd just like to thank you for the opportunity to work under you." The blonde's brows furrowed, she was genuinely shocked at your outburst, "Wait!"

Your hand paused on the handle, and you twisted your upper body to face her. "You're not being fired, as I've been told, and quite frankly as I've seen you're one of our better employees, and it would be a disservice to let you go over something so silly," she slowly moved from behind her desk as a means to approach you, her hand settled atop your arm and your breath hitched in your throat.

"That being said." You felt uneasy when she spun you the rest of the way to face her, it felt like your stomach was doing somersaults with the way she was smirking at you—at you, not near you, no, it was designated for your eyes. "You've caused quite the stir around the world, so my team and I think it'd be best if you were my next red carpet date, for the public appeal."

Scarlett watched as you swallowed thickly, so she softened her smirk, and squeezed your shoulder in a comforting way. "It would be good for The Outsets image, we'd basically be in on the joke, or more so getting ahead of it." You found yourself even more confused by her phrasing, and maybe even a bit hurt. "Joke?"

Scarlett internally smacked herself, she'd been nervous when she spoke, even if her confident smirk said otherwise, and now she has to find a way to make sense of her likely hurtful words. "You said I was your wife, is that not a joke?" Your eyes immediately looked away from hers at the pointed call out, "No, yeah, it was..."

"Exactly, but maybe if you play your cards right it could be your eventual reality," she winked, short circuiting your brain with the words and flirty gesture to the point of stunned silence.

"Just think about it Y/N, no pressure, but I'd be doing a disservice to myself if I didn't say I'd be the luckiest person on that carpet if I had a pretty thing like you hanging off of my arm."

At the sight of your soft, nervous smile the starlet felt her nerves settling. "Ok, I'll do it." Blinded by her excitement she pulled you into a hug, and fortunately for her you melted into it. "Perfect, my team will be in contact then, and I'll be seeing you around the office pretty girl."

—

True to her word, Scarlett sought you out the very next day after reading through your file. Kate and her had decided awhile back to do there best to connect with the staff on a more personal level, and in doing so they'd asked you all some really random questions. Nothing too personal, it was very surface level, like: what's your go to take out meal, or favorite game?

After reading how much you loved to play Uno, and eat at that small Italian restaurant up the street she immediately sent her assistant out to collect all that she'd need, and now she was in the elevator on her way down to your floor.

"Good afternoon Miss Johansson."

When your manager announced the arrival of your starlet boss you tried to shrink into the void, but it was to no avail as she was here for you. The toned legs slipped into cherry red high heels before your face said as much, "Hi."

Scarlett chuckled as you greeted her knee, her unbelievably soft hand reached down to help you to your feet, and with the force she used it made you stumble into her awaiting embrace.

"Oh, you're falling for me all over again?" she teased quietly with a whisper against your ear before she straightened the both of your bodies then began to walk away, heels clicking as she spoke, "We have things to discuss, come on."

After a moment of bewildering, you looked up to John who looked to you concerned, "Go."

Scarlett bit back her chuckle at the sight of you haphazardly rushing to catch the elevator, as if she wasn't patiently holding it open for you, and admiring how pretty your soft pout was.

"I'm sorry Miss Johansson," you rushed out, but she quickly stopped you with a hand on your lower back, causing you to freeze as a shiver ran through you, "Call me Scarlett."

As the both of you exited the elevator onto her floor you walked in tandem, her hand never left your back until it was pulling the chair out for you to sit down. Scarlett Johansson was proving to be quite the gentlewoman.

"So, you're probably wondering why you're here," she playfully quirked a brow your way, and watched as you nodded meekly, "Mhm."

"Well honey, I don't think it's proper me taking you out as my date without a proper sit down," she started while dolling out the take outs full of pasta before you, serving you a piping hot plate of fettuccine, while she had spaghetti. "There's also the discussion of whether we'll want to match, so we'll have some clothes for you to try on delivered in the next hour or so."

“Thank you,” you gestured to the pasta when she looked to you curiously, “No problem love.”

Scarlett was enjoying her time with you, she was getting to know you like she’d always been tempted to. Learning silly things like your favorite color, animal, or dessert, she even knows your go to comfort movie and snacks.

It was a serene moment until the team she hired to pick your outfits showed up to break it. There was a rolling bar full of various items, a mix of suits and dresses so you could choose whatever made you the most comfortable.

“So, tell me darling, shall we match? Because I have a dress to match any outfit you choose.”

It wasn’t hard to pick after she said that, you went with the deep red option, because you had always adored Scarlett when she wore red. Scarlett beamed at your choice to match, then she was working hard not to drool, because you looked rather delectable in the red yourself.

Neither of you realized how long you’d been together until you were leaving her office with your belongings in hand as the sun had nearly sunk below the New York skyline. You entered the elevator and pressed for the ground floor.

“So, Y/N, what made you apply to The Outset?”

You smiled softly, “I have always enjoyed the art of advertising, and I needed money so when I saw the attached salary I was sold.”

“It’s okay, you can say it was because of me,” she teased, stepping closer, only causing you to stumble backwards, “Not everything I do is because of my silly crush on you Miss Joh—.”

“Y/N, for the love of God, call me Scarlett,” she whined as the doors opened, thankful to be in a empty building as the work day already ended.

The rest of the walk to the street was in silence, you too busy overthinking audibly mentioning your obvious crush, and the blonde was in the opposite state, internally beaming at the words.

“I’ll get you Friday at six darling,” she placed a hand on your lower back, and shifted you into an embrace you couldn’t avoid, “Be ready,” she smiled at you, then ushered you into your car and waited until you were buckled to leave.

——

It was quite shocking to you when a car pulled up and had Scarlett in the drivers seat. You’d been expecting her to arrive with a driver, but you didn’t question her outwardly, instead you settled into the passenger seat, and in for a long ride since she made sure to make it hard with that innocent hand placed on your thigh.

Scarlett’s driver was at the edge of the event, and so as soon as she assisted you out of the car she was passing off the keys to Ricardo.

“If you get nervous, don’t hesitate to tell me,” she squeezed your hand for emphasis, then once you nodded she pulled you onto the red carpet where you’re met with blinding flashes.

Scarlett saw the way others at the venue looked at you, as if you were fresh meat for them to pick off of. It infuriated her beyond belief that anyone would so much as look at you while you were on her arm, but to try and speak to you?

It was ludicrous, and she wasn't having it.

Scarlett pulled you closer by the hand on your waist, then when a new wave of paparazzi came up to photograph the two of you she knew she needed to send a clear message. "Hey, Y/N?"

You hummed nervously, far too thrown by the hustle and bustle of a red carpet to speak, but you also turned to her with a nervous smile. The way she was staring at you, as if you were a glass of Chardonnay she intended to devour in one gulp, only served to intensify the nerves that were coursing throughout your body.

"Fuck it," Scarlett didn't exactly plan for this, but she was desperate, so she cupped your left cheek and pulled you in for a kiss, and to her luck and honestly, surprise, you instantly were reciprocating the gesture, eagerly if she may.

The crowd woo'd, and beyond the flashes they began to shout at her for answers, and this was when you pulled away with a terrified gaze. Scarlett ignored her responsibility as a star, and pulled you to a secluded corner so that she could make sure you understood that was a real kiss, and not a devious little PR stunt.

As soon as you were out of sight you ripped your hands from hers, it broke her to see you look so hurt, watching as you hastily retreated, wrapping your arms around yourself for the much needed comfort, "That was mean..."

"Y/N—"

"No, I-I get it, okay? I embarrassed you with the video, and now you're just returning the favor. It doesn't make it any less cruel."

"No Y/N, please," Scarlett had never been so desperate before, she's dated her fair share of people, but none ever as enticing as you, and she hadn't even properly asked you out yet, "This, everything up until now, was real."

"Scarlett, you're an amazing actress..."

"No!" she stepped forward, trapping you against the wall, "I wasn't being malicious Y/N, I kissed you because that's what I wanted to do, it's what I've wanted to do for months on end."

“Months? But my video is only two weeks old.”

Scarlett snorted, “I noticed you before that.”

For a brief moment the space was silent, the dirty blonde watched the way you processed her words with relative amusement. The way you smiled bashfully, with your eyes cast down had her falling even deeper into this crush.

“So you like me? The kiss was real?”

Scarlett reached out with a soft hand to cup your left cheek while her other hand wrapped around your neck. She caressed your cheek, offering you a sweet smile before she used her hold on you to pull you into a deep kiss.

The kiss was building up fast, her hands were roaming your body in sinful ways, and you were reacting with breathless mewling. It was only when a frantic young man rushed in to the once private space to look utterly relieved at your compromising bodies that the kiss ended.

“Miss. Johansson, and guest, you really need to be getting to your seats, the shows starts soon.”

Scarlett’s face tinged pink once she noticed the hustle and bustle on the red carpet had indeed dissipated, “Thank you, we’ll be right there.”

The blonde then grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the entrance with familiar ease. She seemed tense, so you tried to lighten the mood, “If you want to give this a PR twist we can get married for real, we can go to Vegas,” you teased your new lover who softly snorted in response, “Y/N, that sounds like a nightmare.”

“All publicity is good publicity Scarlett.”

Once you crossed the threshold into the dark entryway she spun you around and into her hold so she could whisper, “There’s no need to rush this Y/N, I’ll make you mine, I promise.”

Then with a swift kiss to your cheek, and a firm grip on your hand you believed her completely.

You will become Scarlett Johansson’s wife.

——

3,126 Words

❤️ Kaitlyn 🥰

[jessecrust]

We must stop being surprised

The studio that made one of the best games ever is currently imploding. ZA/UM, the studio that made Disco Elysium, is laying off 25% of their staff, including the last remaining credited writer for the hit video game. It's rare for a game to move me as much as Disco Elysium did, it's even rarer for the main creative forces who made the game to thank Karl Marx at their acceptance speech at The Game Awards. It is a breathtakingly beautiful and gorgeous work of art that made me laugh, slip into depression, cry, and smile so big my entire face hurt. After struggling through so many overlong, pretentious, AAA slogs like The Last of Us and God of War sequels, I never wanted to leave doomed Revochol. And it seems that, once again, the reward for surprise success and bringing something unique and wonderful into the world is misery and ruin.

The point of this is not really to document the facts of this sordid business, the legal battles, the documentary made about the studio, the drama, etc. All of that matters, and I'm sure others will cover it, but what matters to me about this is how unsurprising it is. We must stop being surprised that this keeps happening. We can no longer be surprised when the next surprise work of genius made by passionate, idiosyncratic people is slowly and fatally smothered by the financial criminals. There's a basic incongruity between creatives and financiers that, in the best of times, seems like a mutually beneficial relationship. But please understand that these soulless piles of money are all scorpions that will inevitably dig its stinger into your frog back the first chance it gets. Netflix was always going to charge you more to watch ads. The line on the graph must only go one way, the system proposes infinity in a finite world and tasks CEOs, HR departments, and mangers to make the impossible possible.

What I find the most grating is the inevitable reply: "profit is the only reason that these things exist". I truly wish I could experience life through the brain stem of the person who believes this. It must be fascinating to be so dull. Even worse, there's a non-zero chance that the person saying this has downloaded--for free--a PC mod for one of their favorite unoptimized, unprofitable to patch, forgotten games that fixed most of the major bugs and issues. The money, hustle, profit, business obsessed mind cannot comprehend the joy and pleasure of creation for its own sake. Nor, I suspect, can it comprehend art, preservation, aesthetics, history, etc.

I wanted to end this with the Jonas Salk quote about patenting the sun, so I looked it up to make sure I wasn't misremembering it: " There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?" And, sure enough, as if the universe reached out its fist to burying it into my gut, I stumble upon a Slate article titled "Jonas Salk: Good at Virology, Bad at Economics". The human race survived thousands of years without Economics, consultants, and private equity firms. If only we could go without them again.

[lilacandladybugs]

I'm in need of advice, reddit hasn't been helpful and I'm desperate so I've come to you Tumblr please help me

I'm currently a data scientist for a very small start up company, but I have my background in political science and so I'm concerned that I might be dead in the water if/when the company goes under and I need to find another job. I've consulted with some recruiters and they agree that if I want to go into data science I should get my master's (EDIT: they said I probably should get my degree in Statistics because the program is more widely known so I have a better chance of not getting turned away by HR who will have less knowledge about what a data science master's even is). I think because of my personality, data science is a really good job for me, so I'm planning on going for it.

Here's the issue: I don't want to go to school and end up learning exclusively theory. I've been teaching myself a ton by reading textbooks and I've noticed that while there's a lot of depth in the math/calculus/linear algebra behind how the functions work and what the parameters are, there seems to be very little information on how to actually apply that information in the real world.

Obviously the math is important and very exciting :D but if all I do is learn the math and I don't learn how to apply the knowledge I have to non-ideal data sets and situations then I'm not really learning the information I need to know.

Are there any graduate programs that are well known for really preparing people for data science roles in the workforce instead of just focusing on the academic side of statistics?

[end-otw-racism]

2023 Board Candidates

We have taken time to go over the bios and platforms presented by the current candidates, and will here present our thoughts for each on how we feel they align with our campaign's goals at this stage. We are particularly concerned with how willing and capable we feel they would be in helping the OTW meet its commitment towards developing anti-racist policies and practices.

We encourage everyone to read the platforms for themselves, and we look forward to getting to know each candidate more during the question-and-answer period. 

Anh P.

Gave no pronouns, the bio uses they/them.

Anh P. identifies the OTW's lack of transparency as a direct symptom of its current structure and human resource management not being up to the task of managing its 900+ volunteers, but does not offer solutions in their platform at this time. Their main focus seems to be reaching out towards new fans, particularly in non-English-language fandoms, for which their international, non-Anglo background and perspective are well-suited. However, they do not specifically acknowledge racism as a distinct problem nor do they indicate that they would prioritize anti-racist goals. They do not mention the Terms of Service (TOS), Policy and Abuse Committee (PAC), or their position on a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) consultant, nor do they state a position on using funds towards hiring anyone for that position. 

Audrey R.

Gave no pronouns, the bio uses she/her.

Audrey R. has experience within the organization and has a background in policy and nonprofit work, which could translate well to the Board. The work she has done has been on the Strategic Planning committee, which has worked at a particularly slow pace (6 years for implementation of the strategic plan), which she acknowledges “does little to address immediate needs.” Her stated primary reason for running is to protect fandom from AI which, while admirable and important, is not our focus – and to that end, she does not mention racism or harassment at all. She expresses willingness to have paid employees and calls for a conflict resolution management system for volunteers.

Jennifer H.

Pronouns: she/they.

Jennifer H. specifically addresses the importance of communication with the OTW’s user base. She also speaks to the need for complete structural reform. Her platform indicates an experienced perspective on what she can accomplish as a Board member and a willingness to do the hard work to make things better. We find their platform promising in that they are directly addressing issues we have raised, show these issues to be a priority, and express an understanding of the difficulty of the road ahead, but a willingness to do the hard work anyway. She seems to have a bit less experience working for the org, having only joined in 2022, but that is not necessarily a point against them. 

Kathryn S.

Gave no pronouns, the bio uses she/her.

Kathryn S. has experience in non-profit work and community activism, implementing DEI efforts and Human Resources (HR) experience which seem to make her a good fit for the Board and realizing our goals. She explicitly prioritizes the hiring of a DEI consultant along with an HR position. She does mention “recent controversies” in her platform, though she does not specify which ones. Her experience with the OTW is significant, at 9 years. 

Qiao C.

Pronouns: she/her.

Qiao C also brings an international fandom perspective and focuses primarily on the importance of communication inside and outside the organization. She makes a very brief mention of updating the TOS. She does indicate she would like to hire an HR professional, but her platform – while it mentions the recent protests and spends time discussing diversity issues – makes no explicit mention of racial issues outside bringing in more diverse volunteers. We do feel that more diverse voices within the OTW are important, though diversity alone is not going to solve the issue of racist harassment currently allowed in the OTW’s policies and enforcement practices. There is nothing else in her platform that speaks to dealing with racist harassment, updates to the TOS, or hiring a DEI consultant. 

Zixin Z.

Gave no pronouns but the bio uses she/her.

Zixin Z would also bring an international presence to the board. She mentions the need for structural change, paid positions, and increased documentation to prevent the loss of institutional knowledge. She also mentions the need for outreach towards non-English-speaking fans and has a desire to provide support to volunteers from minority groups. She does not mention racism, racist harassment, or hiring a DEI consultant in her platform, so outside the outreach and support she mentions, there is not enough for us to conclude that these would be priorities for her.

[Edited July 10,2023. Revised Zixin Z.'s position on outreach to be "towards non-English speaking fans and has a desire to provide support to volunteers from minority groups" and add "outside the outreach and support she mentions" to the subsequent sentence. Original stated the outreach would be towards "Chinese-speaking fans". ]

[Post updated with explanation of the scope of these summaries. Please reblog the completed version if doing so]

[forhappysake]

What Lurks Within, Pt. 1

Author's Note: I've never written one of these before, so I hope anyone who reads it can enjoy it.

Content: When the BAU is forced to consult on a case from a distance, the team finds themselves getting frustrated with the lack of communication from local law enforcement. After the unsub escalates, the team prepares to fly to Denver to tackle the case head-on.

Warnings: Typical BAU-level violence, hom!c!de, workplace harassment training (does that need a warning, lol?), mention of prison and Cat Adams, established relationship, all fluffy stuff for now

Consulting on cases from afar was never the BAU’s strong suit. Relying on information provided by local law enforcement, rather than being hands-on at the scene, was a major inconvenience. However, a schedule mix-up over annual training and filing reports required our presence here, in D.C., rather than in Denver. 

Matt and Luke had spent the afternoon pouring over files that arrived from the Denver office while Spencer and I were forced to sit through our annual workplace training. We were the last members of the team to partake in the training, and we weren’t any more excited than the rest of the team had been. We arrived around two o’clock, taking our seats next to each other. Then began the droning voice of the poor HR worker who was forced to reiterate the FBI’s spiel on workplace harassment and discrimination for the seven-hundredth time today. 

I knew my boyfriend, so I knew Spencer wasn’t paying any attention. Both our minds were on the Denver case. Seven men with similar physical descriptions had gone missing over a span of three months. Their bodies, found discarded in local parks, had been bludgeoned beyond recognition. 

It was difficult, of course, to understand what was happening when conflicting reports kept coming in from local law enforcement. Penelope was doing her best to work with their in-house tech teams to confirm or deny reports we received from the local police chief, but it was hard when they rarely answered her requests for more information. Between the lack of communication and the fact that this unsub did not seem to have any plans of slowing down, having to work this case in-house was really taking its toll on office morale. 

Thankfully, the HR meeting only lasted an hour. Spencer and I received our lovely “congrats on completing this training” certificate to put in our files, and we quickly hurried out of the meeting room and back to the bullpen. Matt and Luke sat at their desks, hunkered over files. Luke was the first to notice our entrance into the room, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“I don’t understand how I am supposed to build a geographical profile when I have two separate conflicting reports of where the body was found for the same murder,” Luke said. He rose from his desk and rubbed his eyes, “It’s like Denver doesn’t want us to help them.”

Matt looked up from his desk, nodding in agreement. Noticing our presence in the room, he leaned back in his chair. “Thankfully Garcia is doing a hell of a job with victimology, but you two have your work cut out for you unless you get some confirmation on the accuracy of these reports.” He gestured to the files in front of him, “It’s an absolute disaster.”

Luke nodded fiercely in agreement, grasping the file in his hand with frustration. “Reid, just come look at this and tell me if I’m missing something here,” Luke held the file out in front of him. Spencer walked over to Luke, taking the file from him and thumbing through the pages. 

Spencer cleared his throat, eyebrows knitting together, “This page says that Daniel Jones was found dead in a small park behind a swing set, but this page says he was found bound and gagged behind a dumpster at a local coffee shop in Denver.”

Luke flung his arms out in front of him, letting out an exasperated huff. “Exactly! What am I supposed to do with that?” Luke looked utterly defeated, and the look on Matt’s face told me he wasn’t doing any better. 

Trying to take some control of the situation unraveling in front of me, I offered a solution. “Matt, Luke. Why don’t you guys go home for a bit? You’ve been here since four in the morning, and it’s nearly three. Wash up, take a nap, and come back with fresh eyes.” I said it gently, hoping not to offend either of them. 

Matt nodded in response, “I think Y/N has a point, Luke. We could both use a break.” Matt stood up from his desk chair, stretching before turning towards the door. “I don’t know about you, but I’m out of here,” he stated as he turned and headed for the elevator. 

Luke gritted his teeth. “Alright, I guess I could use a break. But I’ll be back, and I swear that if Denver hasn’t given us something we can work with, I’ll-”

“Luke,” Spencer said, cutting him off, “Y/N is right. We’ll hold down the fort here. Just go home for a while.” Defeated, Luke lifted his coat off the back of his chair, tugging it over his shoulders. 

“I hope you guys find something you can work with,” Luke mumbled, “Thanks for taking over, I’ll be back in a few hours.” With that, he followed Matt out of the bullpen in the direction of the elevators, leaving Spencer and I alone. 

I sighed, knowing we had our work cut out for us. Spencer continued thumbing through the file Luke had handed him. He spoke up again, “Which would you prefer, honey,” Spencer gestured to the file in his hand and the file left open on Matt’s desk, “victimology, geographical profile, or trying to contact Denver?”

“Considering everyone else has been trying to get a hold of Denver all day, I’ll take a look at what Matt and Penelope put together on victimology,” I said with a small smile, “You’re better at the geo-profiles anyway.” I lifted the file off Matt’s desk as Spencer nodded, walking over to his desk and taking a seat.  

For hours we poured over the mess of information we’d been provided. Matt was right, Penelope had done a heck of a job piecing together victimology. However, it wasn’t enough to make an educated guess on anything about the psychology of our unsub. Three o’clock quickly turned into ten o’clock, and I could feel my stomach growl. I looked over at Spencer’s desk, and even he looked like he could use something to eat. 

“Hey, Spence,” I said, “have you made any progress over there?” He shifted in his seat, shutting the file and looking up at me. 

“No, not really,” he sighed. “Luke was right. These reports are a mess.” I nodded in agreement and understanding, swiveling in my chair to face away from him. Staring down the hallway, the light from the vending machine caught my eye. 

“Considering neither of us are making any groundbreaking discoveries, I’m gonna run to the vending machine. Do you want anything?” I swiveled my chair back around in his direction, awaiting his reply.

He looked up for a moment, seeming to give it some thought before shaking his head. “No thanks, Y/N. I really appreciate the offer, though.” He gave me a small nod. 

“No problem, brainiac. I’ll be back in a few.” I turned on my heel and made my way out of the bullpen, pausing to look out the window next to the elevator. It was dark out and I wanted nothing more than to go home and wrap myself in a blanket, sinking into bed. “Too bad people decide to commit murder,” I thought out loud. 

Continuing down the hallway to the vending machine, I reached in my pocket to pull out a couple dollars. Popping the bills into the machine and deciding on some off-brand bag of chips, I claimed my purchase from the machine and made my way back to the bullpen. Upon my arrival, I noticed Spencer wasn’t at his desk. I looked around for a moment, curious as to where he had gone, when I saw his mop of curls through the blinds to the briefing room. 

Quietly making my way up the staircase, I approached the door and gently pushed it open. The boy-genius must have had some breakthrough, as he scribbled quickly on the white board, turning back to the meeting table to check one of the files he had brought up to the room with him. Suddenly, a mixed look of frustration and disappointment crossed his face and he sighed in defeat. Whatever lead he thought he had must have been unfruitful, and he wore a somber look as he thumbed through the files once more.

I remembered at that moment why I loved him so much. I stood in awe of the way his curls gently fell over his eyes, the way the veins in his hands became more pronounced when he examined the case file. His eyes, dark as they were, shone a deep brown color in the warm light of the room. I watched as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, dragging a hand through his hair. We were tired, exhausted, and the case showed no signs of coming to a close anytime soon.  

“Spencer,” I said, approaching him quietly, not wishing to disturb his work. He let out a long sigh, looking away from the file. I could almost see the gears stop shifting in his mind, as his thoughts grew smaller in his mind. The dark circles under his eyes were evident. I offered him a small smile, reaching for the case file in front of him, and gently closing it, slipping it under my arm. “All of this will still be here tomorrow, I think we should go home and rest.”

His lips pursed in evident disappointment, turning back to the whiteboard. I tried to make out his scribbles and notes, but his handwriting was so sloppy it was hardly legible. He turned back, resembling Luke’s defeat from hours before. Finally, he nodded in agreement. Standing up straight, he turned his head in circles, attempting to work out the soreness he felt after scanning files for hours. “We’re so close, Y/N, I can feel it,” he murmured as he turned to look at me, “so, so close.” 

Our eyes locked for a moment before I turned my gaze to the ground in front of me. “I know, Spence. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do until the police in Denver get back to us with more information tomorrow.” I leaned back on the meeting room table, crossing my arms in front of me. 

“I know,” he said. He shuffled so he stood in front of me, running his hands up and down my crossed arms. “Should we go home?” Spencer asked, tilting his head and offering me a small smile. 

“We should absolutely go home,” I murmured, leaning into his touch. He wrapped his arms around me, and I could smell his cologne mixed with a hint of coffee. I tucked my head under his chin, accepting this rare act of PDA as a result of our shared exhaustion. I felt his hands rubbing over my aching back, and I couldn’t have been more grateful for his presence. 

“Are you ready to go?” he asked gently. I could feel his voice rattle through his chest, the vibration so soothing. 

“No,” I giggled, “I think we should just stay like this forever.” I pulled back from him a bit so that I could examine his face. His stubble had grown in and stayed since his return from prison, and his eyes looked even more exhausted than usual, but he was still the same Spencer he’d always been. 

I reflected briefly on our relationship. Though we’d only been dating for a year, I felt like I’d been with Spencer my entire life. Of course his stint in prison, his meeting with Cat Adams, and the team’s battle with Scratch had left emotional and physical scars on all of us, Spencer’s sweet demeanor remained unchanged. I admired his resilience, and his ability to see the good in others. 

He brought me back to reality as he smiled again, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my lips which I accepted with more fervor than he had anticipated. He rocked back away from me for a moment, raising his eyebrows. “Where did that boost of energy come from?” he asked, placing his hands on either side of my face. 

“I don’t know, I was just looking at how pretty you are,” I said, bringing my hands to cover his. He looked at me for a moment, cocking his head to the side. 

“You’re very pretty too, Miss L/N,” he said, forcing himself to pull his hands from my face and shove them into his pockets. He cleared his throat, trying to refocus on the topic at hand. “Now,” he started, “how about we both head back to my place and settle in for the evening? I’m no chef, but you and I both know I can order take-out like no other.” He scanned my face for a response. 

“Sure, Spence. That sounds delightful,” I said while looping my arm in his. 

“Off we go, then.” Arm in arm, Spencer and I walked to the elevator. No further words were exchanged, and we stood in comfortable silence as I clicked the button and awaited the arrival of the elevator. 

The ding of the elevator signaled its arrival. Spencer moved forward, preparing to step on, when Luke came barreling off. He’d clearly showered, though he didn’t look much more well-rested. 

“You two aren’t going to believe this,” his serious tone catching both Spencer and myself off guard. He didn’t stop to address us, either, making fast strides towards the bullpen. 

“What is it, Luke?” I asked, turning to follow him as Spencer followed in suit. “Tell us what’s going on.” As we reentered the bullpen, Luke scanned our desktops. Eyes settling on Matt’s desk, he reached for the TV remote, scanning stations until it came to the national news. Cranking up the television volume, Spencer and I listened intently to what the reporter was saying:

“In Denver, Colorado, the bodies of three more young men have been discovered dumped in neighborhood parks across the city within the past week. Officials are warning residents to avoid these areas and to remain vigilant…”

“This guy is all over the place,” Luke said, shaking his head. 

“At least this confirms he’s dumping the bodies in parks,” I shrugged. If the local police department wasn’t going to give us information, the media outlets would provide plenty. 

“He’s escalating,” Spencer said, eyes narrowing at the screen. “Three within the past week is a significant increase from seven over a twelve week period.” Luke and I nodded in agreement. 

“I’ll call Garcia and Prentiss,” Luke said, “maybe now that those god-awful trainings are over, we can finally fly out of here and get our hands on this case.” I responded in agreement as Spencer continued examining the news report. Luke reached for his phone, dialing some numbers before stepping away from Spencer and I, “Hey, Emily. It’s Alvez. I think we need to get to Denver right away…” His voice faded out as he walked farther away from us. 

Spencer’s attention turned from the screen back to me. “So much for takeout,” he said with a sad smile. I put an arm around him, gently rubbing his back. 

“We should’ve known it was too good to be true. Maybe we can get some snacks on the jet. Until then,” I gestured up to the unopened bag of chips I’d discarded on the table of the briefing room, “I’m going to go finish my dinner.” 

Just as I started to walk away, I heard Luke’s voice call out, “Wheels up in 30. The rest of the team will meet us on the tarmac.” I sighed, turning back to look at Spencer who was already shoving files and notepads into his go-bag. I hurriedly grabbed my chips off the table and returned to the bullpen, mirroring Spencer’s frenzied packing. 

After I finished collecting my things, Luke led Spencer and I down to the tarmac. JJ, Matt, Emily, and Rossi soon arrived as well. Spencer’s hand on my lower back guided me up the steps of the jet. Flying had never been my favorite thing. Since joining the team a year and a half ago, I’d only started to get used to it. Spencer, per usual, had been my saving grace, offering me comfort and a hand to hold during the flights. This evening would be no different. 

Settling in our usual seats, Emily offered us each files full of what little information had been confirmed by local law enforcement and media outlets. She drew our attention to the files, gesturing to the one in her hand. “I know we don’t have a lot to go on. I have a feeling we’re going to have our work cut out for us on this one,” she said with a small nod. “I’d recommend you all try to take it easy on this flight, we’re going to be hard at work once we get to Denver.”

As we each nodded in agreement, I felt Spencer’s hand squeeze mine a little tighter. I gently laid my head on his shoulder, trying to take Emily’s advice. “Let’s rest, Spencer. Emily’s right, we’re not gonna do anyone good if we’re exhausted.” I felt his sigh of agreement as he rested his head back against the seat, closing his eyes. I followed suit, allowing sleep to take over. 

Our ignorance, at that moment, was blissful. We had no idea what waited for us in Denver.

TO BE CONTINUED

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me know what you think down below. Happy writing!

[beatrice-otter]

Notes on today's OTW board meeting

beatrice_otter (It was on the OTW Board Discord)

First, they learned from last time and had a much improved procedure and moderation so that there wasn't chaos, questions got answered, and things went so much better than last time. It's good to see improvement.

On to matters of substantive business:

1) They have hired a consulting firm for a DEI organizational culture audit. The audit has already begun, they've already done surveys of volunteers and are now doing more in-depth interviews. A preliminary report is expected by the end of January 2024. I'm really glad to see actual ACTION happening. We'll see if this is able to bring about substantive changes; not all such consultations are able to change entrenched power structures. But it's a step in the right direction, at least.

2) They are looking for an HR firm that can help them on two levels, both INCREDIBLY necessary. They're working on BOTH volunteer support/policies/procedures (to make a healthier environment for volunteers), AND getting them ready to hire employees. It's hard to find a firm that can help with both volunteer and paid staff issues, AND handle the fact that AO3 is an international organization and so any such policies need to be able to handle people from many different cultures and countries. I'm not surprised that they've had trouble finding one firm that can help them with all of it, but I'm so excited because this is something that could really make a huge difference, at least as much difference as the DEI organizational culture audit, again with the same caveat ... if they're able to actually get it done and listen to the experts they've hired and make the necessary changes.

3) They are working on an internal whistleblowing policy. Again, good news.

Everything seemed good and positive. I hope they will be able to put all the things they're working on into practice, it could make a huge difference!

Here's their strategic plan: https://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/26569

[ablupen]

I Completed Lessons 1-10. Here's what happened, and the ending I got.

Alright! After about 15 hr 23 min total of F2P playing, I've completed all 10 lessons with all main stories/episodes watched. Granted, anything past lesson 4 isn't full S completed anymore, and I am very broke, but eh.

Anyways, here's some pictures of how it's going:

And now some more thoughts and summaries, including stuff I didn't say in my last post.

The boss levels are basically beating up the boys... Well, uh, if you're mad at one of the seven, go play their boss level, ig?

Solomon's cooking is so bad it caused Henry 1.0 to rapidly polymorph temporarily into random things

Henry 1.0 was originally huge. Levi befriended the snake when both of them were hiding from Satan

Henry 1.0 became regular snake sized bc Sol shrank him 😐 This means the shrink spell wore off, apparently.

The building that you and Sol share is called Cocytus Hall. I wonder where this building would be present day..? Did it get recycled?

Newly-demon brothers are being discriminated

Cerberus was obtained bc of a rumor that anyone who tames it becomes Ruler of the Underworld.

Mammon rallies everyone behind Luci's back to find and tame Cerberus

On the way there, we discover that we can still summon the brothers (We summon Beel to eat a magically growing pile of apples)

Apprehension attempt on Cerberus did not succeed. Luci saves everyone and tames Cerberus. Someone leaks these news and this is how the seven brothers become the seven rulers.

We become one of the three core founding members of RAD lmao

Somehow we get caught in a dream(?) with Levi in the TSL world. Levi does not know TSL at this point in time. Anyways, he summons Lotan at the end of it, who apparently actually appeared in real life, flooded the room, and then left.

Fuck i forgot when this happened so I'll just leave it here, but: Satan turned everyone except you and Lucifer into Chihuahuas. Including himself. Thankfully, the spell had a limit so it didn't last long

Angels enter the scene! For RAD consultation.

Apparently at some point the bottom of Asmo's bathtub becomes a portal.

Solomon is a fucking bastard and pushes everyone into the bathtub. You choose if you go in by your own will or if he also pushes you.

It leads to the Celestial Realm??? No lol jk, it's actually inside a very familiar looking labyrinth and y'all are being chased by a giant spider, fuck.

Solomon remakes pact with Asmo to distract spider.

Solomon then summons Barbatos

Unfortunately at some point he pissed Barbs off so he's ticked off by this summon. Barbs teleports the spider away and Sol uses his pact to force him to make a portal back home, but Barbs gets mad and later TELEPORTS HIM TO A DRAGON'S DEN LMAO

dw he's alright! He returns next lesson with a dragon egg.

Bad news! Diavolo and Barbatos realize you're human and not a demon after... What/when is this? 6-7 lessons? Yeah. Anyways, Dia tells you that you should pack up bc he's sending you back to the human world. You're another distraction, so to eliminate some stress, you're being deported, sorry. This is not a good thing.

Mammon and crew - except Luci obviously take on a ghost hunting job at the tome place idk I forgot the spelling

Mammon gets fucking possessed by a human ghost named Adam after you read his name off of a tomestone bc it was written in a human language.

Adam says that a demon killed him with consent many years ago bc Adam was trying to look for his lover but their dead

In case it wasn't obvious, that you.

Also, the demon knew you'd have the Ring of Light on you still. Anyways, Adam tells you that the demon's name/alias was Nightbringer. Guys, it's a fucking name drop!!!

You manage to open the gates for Adam by slurping up some of the brothers' powers and by the powers of the ring

Next day, you get a letter telling you to meet Dia concerning your expulsion, which Sol comes with you to try and change Dia's mind.

Suddenly, Belphegor basically kicks open the doors to demand that Beel be released. Apparently, he's been jailed. Shit, isn't that a parallel or what, huh?

Apparently, he suddenly got out of control and rampaged. Dia manages to pin him down and get him into a cell with sheer strength alone, but later escapes in the next lesson after you confront Luci and Belphegor who had a spat.

You, Luci, and Belphie get blamed for causing all of this 🥴 Especially by Barbs. Anyways, using your magic siphoning ability from your future pacts and the Ring of Light, you knock Beel out. Lesson 10 ends with you revealing that you're human and Dia and everyone wondering who tf you are to have this kind of power.

That was a lie. The very last scene was actually Satan and Simeon watching a cat that you introduced to Satan before you left with Luci and Belphie and discover the rampaging Beel. "Do you think MC will come back before the cat wakes up?" "I hope so."

Context for the quotes on the Nightbringer site:

Lucifer; "My pride hurt my brothers": I actually don't remember this one. I don't even know if my choices led up to this one. Will maybe revisit everything tomorrow or sum

Mammon; "We chose to follow Lucifer here. We all had reasons for doin' what we did.": This is from when Mammon is trying to convince the other brothers to join him in his search for Cerberus. He's tired of being discriminated, and doesn't regret his choice.

Leviathan; "I never wanted to come to this awful place, to begin with!": When Diavolo meets with the brothers concerning plans for RAD and about possibly making an announcement to show the brothers'presence, Levi is against this. He doesn't want the attention.

Satan; "I can barely stand being around them. It's torture.": Obviously, "them" are his "brothers". I can assume when he says this, but I think I can guess when it is. It was probably after he stormed off once the others discuss what the Celestial Realm was like. He's never seen that place, and he can't relate to the other brothers.

Asmodeus; "I want to return to the Celestial Realm...! I want to be an angel again! The way I used to be... White wings and all!": This is during the weird portal in the bathtub scene. He had tried to move on from the fall, but Simeon's appearance reminds him of what he lost again. He's scared of the fact that he's getting used to his demon self and that he's forgetting what it was like to be an angel.

Beelzebub; "I have a big secret that I've never been able to tell... Not even to Belphie.": I've actually never encountered this one bc I didn't get close to Beel. Has anyone seen this one?

Belphegor; "Who deserves to be punished the most?": After Lucifer temporarily admits defeat and doesn't stand up to Diavolo to let Beel go, Belphegor gets angry. He's scared that he'll lose another sibling. After telling you about Lilith and how stubborn she was, he admits that he doesn't know who to blame: Lilith for breaking the rules, the angels for directly killing her (or was this second one the other brothers for not doing more? I forgot damn), or himself for not protecting Lilith.

Anyways, that's all I can think of rn. Do note though that in Nightbringer, choices apparently actually matter so you may have gotten different results!

[anglophiletraveler]

In My Life

Chapter 38

Things We Said Today

by Paul McCartney

Chapter 38

Things We Said Today

By Paul McCartney

Are we ready for some twists and turns?  A big shout out to Karen Bockius for being there as my beta.  My dear friend, one day things will be better.  Love to you always!

******************

Wednesday morning, Demelza got up early to cook breakfast for Ross before he went to work, something she rarely did during the week, but this was the day that Ross was going to have to speak with Jenny and she thought that she’d start his day off with a good breakfast.  Ross came down the stairs surprised to see almost a full English on the table before him.

“Wow, I could smell this up in the shower,” he leaned over and kissed her, “What’s the occasion?”

“Oh well, I know it’s going to be a difficult day for you, so I wanted to give you a good start to the day. It’s not quite a full English,”

“Ahh but close enough, my love, close enough.  Thank you so very much.  Are you going to join me?”

“I’m going to have some tea, toast and bacon of course,” she smiled.

“Always gotta have bacon.  Well you can always pick at mine.  I really do appreciate this.  And tomorrow is our big shopping day!  I’m getting excited about that.  Are you?” Ross stuffed a forkful of eggs in his mouth.

Demelza’s eyes peered at Ross over her teacup, “I am actually.  A little nervous, maybe.  Caroline has made reservations at two shops, and she’s sent links to me of this American television show called, ‘Say Yes To The Dress’.  She hopes that will give me an idea of the experience, and apparently there’s a common phrase now because of the show.  When the consultant thinks you’ve picked your dress she’ll say something like, ‘Do you say yes to the dress’ and then you are supposed to answer back ‘yes’.”

“What if you don’t like the dress?  Do you just say no?” There was the sound of cutlery hitting the plate, Ross was thoroughly enjoying his breakfast.

“I guess.  I’ll have to watch the link tonight after you get home,” She snagged a forkful of beans off Ross’s plate. He pretended to try to stab her with his fork.  “I start my driving lessons next Monday.  I’m actually really excited about that.”

“Brilliant!  I'm so proud of you for taking that step on your own.  Will you need my car at any point during the lessons?” 

Demelza tilted her head in thought, “Mmm shoot, I didn’t ask that question, but I’ll find out.  The first couple of days are class instruction which eases my mind a bit.  Do you want more tea?”

Ross looked at his watch, “No, I’m good.  I need to get going actually.”  They both stood up and hugged like they haven’t seen each other in weeks.  Ross bent down and put his hands on her face and kissed her a long and slow kiss while Demelza wrapped her arms around his waist, finding their way to his cute behind and gave it a squeeze.  Ross giggled at that little squeeze.  “Mmmm I would love to continue this but I really have to get going, babe.” 

“Oh, alright.  Call me after your meeting with Jenny?”

“I will.  Try not to worry about it..”

“I love you Ross.”

Ross smiled, “I love you more.”

*****************

Ross had stopped off in Richard Tonkin’s office before going to his own.

“Ross, come on in.”

Ross closed the door behind him.

“So have you made a decision about Jenny Martin?”

Ross sighed, “Yes, I’d like to give her the choice of working somewhere else in the building, at the same pay rate.  I don’t want her to lose her pay.  Then if she doesn’t want to do that, then it’s her decision to leave.”

Richard shook his head in agreement, “I think that’s wise.  I’ll call HR, and have a meeting set up for this afternoon, end of day.”

“End of day?  I hate to sit on this all day.”

“I know, it’s awkward, but that way there won’t be a scene in front of everyone.  And if she wants to quit, then she can pack her things without raising any eyebrows.  It’s really best for her.”

Ross sighed and put his hands in his pockets, “Alright, I’ll follow your lead on this.”

************************

Luckily for Ross it had been a busy day so he didn’t have much time to think about what was going to happen at the end of the day.  If he acted strangely, Jenny never seemed to notice or say anything about it.  Even during lunch Ross was busy, and Jenny had left the building for lunch with friends.  Finally, around 4 o’clock, Jenny received a phone call that she was needed in HR.

She knocked on Ross’s door and opened it, “Ross, I just got a call from HR that they need me to go to their office for some reason, so I’ve shut off my computer and I’m going to head down there, alright?”

He looked her in the eye and couldn’t get a feeling if she suspected anything.  But Ross’s stomach was doing flips, “Sure, no problem.”  He almost said ‘see you down there’ but he stopped himself just in time.

Jenny went down to HR and checked in at the desk with the assistant.  “Just have a seat Jenny, I’ll let Mr. Willis know that you’re here.”

Jenny had barely sat down when she was told to go into the conference room.  As soon as she went in, the assistant called Ross to let him know that it was time to come down.  

Jenny entered the conference room and shook hands with James Eillis.  She noticed that Sharon, Richard Tonkin’s executive assistant, was also in the room.  

“Hello Jenny, how are you?” James Ellis said while he shook her hand.

“I’m fine, thank you.  Sharon, it’s nice to see you.” Jenny was now incredibly nervous.  She thought she was going to throw up at that very minute.

“I’m fine.  Jenny, can I get you a tea or a drink of water?” Sharon replied

“Um, some tea would be nice, thank you.”

“Grand.  Have a seat and I’ll get it for you.”

Jenny sat down, then Ross came into the conference room.  Now she really felt like she was going to throw up.  Sharon came back with Jenny’s tea, “Ross would you like something to drink?”

He sat down next to James, “Um, maybe some water.  Thank you Sharon.”

Jenny’s eyes were going back and forth between Ross and James Ellis.  She had never had any dealings with James Willis, but she had heard stories about him, and not very good ones.

James waited for Sharon to be done with serving everyone and sit down before he began to start speaking.  “Jenny, I’m sure that you’re wondering why you’ve been called into this meeting.”

Her eyes were big as saucers, “Yes, I am.  Is there a problem with my work?”

“No, not with your work Jenny.  Ross and the company have been happy with your work itself, but there is another issue that we feel the need to speak with you about.”

Jenny seemed confused, “I don’t understand.”

James cleared his throat and took a drink of water, “Ross has brought to our attention that you have been overstepping the line between boss and assistant.  In particular, with his private life and his engagement with Demelza Carne.  Do you understand now, what we’re referring to?”

Jenny had a shocked look on her face.  She was stunned that Ross would do this to her, to complain to HR about her!  “I don’t understand.  We’ve known each other for years and our families have been friends for years.  What’s the harm in talking with Ross about his girlfriend?”

James looked at Ross, “Ross would you care to answer that?”

Ross took a deep breath in, “Jenny, our families have been friends for years, which is why I was so happy that I could help you out in getting this job for you.  But you’ve become way too personal when it comes to my personal life, especially with Demelza.  I’ve tried to talk to you about it and tell you that you’ve crossed the line, but you just wouldn’t stop.  It has come to a point where I’ve been worried about what you might do next.  I’m sorry, but I felt I had no other recourse but to bring this to the attention of human resources.”

Jenny was hurt, but also furious at what Ross had done, “Ross, I can’t believe that you would do this to me, after everything I’ve done for you! And after everything we’ve been through.  All of the work that I’ve done for you.”

“Jenny, I’ve appreciated the work that we have done together, but that’s where it ends.  If you ever thought that there was going to be a relationship between the two of us, you are badly mistaken.”

“So what now?  Am I being fired?” Jenny asked.

“Jenny, that’s where Human Resources comes in.  Ross is giving you a choice.  You can either stay on here at the firm, in a different position, or you can leave voluntarily, effective immediately.”  James was very impersonal when he gave Jenny her option.  

“Oh well, isn’t that just grand.  What department would I be working in?  Do I get a choice in that?” Jenny asked.

“At the moment, there is only one position in the company that is available, and that would be in accounting. And, per Ross’s instructions, you wouldn’t have a drop in pay, your hourly rate that is.”

Jenny looked Ross in the eye again.  His eyes had softened some.  “Well, I guess I should be grateful for that at least.  When would this new position start?”

“Tomorrow.  You would need to pack your things up tonight.  Sharon can help you with the move to accounting, and show you where your new desk is.”

Jenny shook her head, “I know absolutely nothing about accounting.”

Sharon spoke up, “You don’t need to.  You will be the receptionist for the entire department.  It’s actually a very busy position.  The last person who had the job couldn’t hack it, but I have a feeling that you’ll do very well there, Jenny.”

Ross was watching Jenny’s face and was trying to read all of the expressions on her face, “I’m really sorry Jenny.  I hate that it’s come to this, but I think it’s for the best.  And I did insist that you keep your rate of pay and not take a pay cut.”

“Well, I suppose I should thank you for that.  So I guess I will be working in accounting.  Do I have to start tomorrow? I would like to have a couple of days off to regroup.” Jenny sighed.

James smiled, “I think that’s a good idea Jenny.  Today is Wednesday, take the rest of the week off and come back Monday morning ready for a new, fresh start.  And let’s hope that you’ve learned from this and won’t let it happen again.  Sharon has the paperwork for you to sign about your transfer.  Ross, we’re done with you here  if you’d like to go now.”

Ross and James stood up and shook hands, “Thank you for your help on this James.  Jenny, good luck in accounting.  And I really mean that.” Jenny gave him a tight smile and turned around.  Ross frowned and left the room.  He had locked up his office before he left, so he was in a hurry to leave the building and get the hell out of there.

*****************

Ross gave Demelza a ring on his way out of the building, “Ross, is it over?  How did everything go?”

 “Yes, it’s over finally.  They made me wait until the end of the day in case she threw a fit or something.  I’m leaving work now.  Do you have time to go to the pub for something to eat before I drop you off?”

“Um yeah, I think so.  By the time you get here I’ll be ready.  Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just out of sorts I guess.  I’ll see you in a bit.”

******************

Ross and Demelza were sitting in their usual corner booth at The Pub.  Ross scooted in next to Demelza on purpose.  

“Are we expecting Caroline and Dwight?” Demelza asked.

“No, I just wanted to be close to you so that I can do this,” Ross kissed her neck, “and maybe this,” then he whispered in her ear.

Demelza giggled, “Well if you wanted to do that, we should’ve stayed home!”

“Oh but it’s so much more fun sneaking it in our corner booth!”

“Ross, you are terrible!” then she whispered in his ear, “and I love it!”

The waitress cleared her throat to get their attention when she brought their food, “Here you go.  Is there anything else I can get you?”  She winked at the couple.

“No thank you Cathy, I think we’re good,” Ross informed their favourite waitress.

Demelza was laughing at the reaction from the waitress, “So, what was Jenny’s reaction?”

“Well, she was quite upset, understandably.  She brought up the fact that we had always been friends and talked about personal things.  But I brought up how she crossed the line and talked badly about you and our relationship, and that it became more pointed, and even after I had told her that my relationship with you was not to be discussed again, she continuously brought it up and was very mean about it, and became unprofessional about the whole thing.  She chose to take the transfer to the accounting department and Sharon was going to help her move her things tonight before she left for the day.  So I got the hell out of there.”  He took a huge bite of his burger.

“Oh I bet that was awkward,” Demelza was picking at the salad she had ordered.  “I still feel bad for her.  I hope she likes her new position.”

“Well, it sounds like it’s a busy one.  Sharon said that it’s the receptionist for the entire accounting department and that it’s a busy position.  So enough talk of Jenny.  Did you have time to watch those links that Caroline sent you about wedding dresses?”

“Oh my gosh Ross, yes I did.  You’ll have to watch it and let me know what you think,” Demelza was stealing chips off of Ross’s plate.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know.  I’m worried now that I won’t have that special feeling that brides are supposed to have when they are wedding dress shopping and I won’t be able to find the right dress,” Demelza was starting to bite her lip over the thought of what a bride is supposed to feel.

Ross frowned, “I was afraid of something like this.  Darlin, don’t forget that it is only a television program that is meant to attract ratings.  Don’t let it tell you how you are supposed to feel from trying on wedding dresses.”

“But Ross, I don’t have a lot of time to find the right dress.”

“Demelza, you are too smart for this.  Please don’t put this pressure on yourself.  Now, if you’re done eating the chips off my plate, are you ready to go?  Why did you even order a salad?”  He took her hand that was holding a chip from his plate, and kissed it with a smile.

Demelza smirked at Ross, “Because I thought I should eat something healthy for a change.” Ross was laughing now, which made her laugh.  “Stooop! Why are you making fun of me!”

“Because love, you never eat salad.  I eat more salad than you do,” Ross replied.

Demelza’s smile returned, “Oh I know, I was just thinking that I need to fit in a wedding dress and I should watch my weight.  Isn’t that something every bride is supposed to do?”

Ross tilted his head, “My love, you don’t have to watch your weight.  You have a lovely figure and I wouldn’t want you to change it at all.  Please, don’t stop being yourself just for a wedding dress.”

“Oh now you’re going to make me cry!”

Ross pulled her in for a hug, “Oh baby I didn’t mean to make you cry!  I love you just the way you are.”  Ross pulled back and wiped her tears.  “There.  Feel better?”

There was a soft “yes”.

“Right, let’s get you to your lovely cello.”

“Alright, but will you watch the link that Caroline sent after you drop me off, please?”

Ross sighed with exasperation, “Yes, my love, I will watch it. Anything for you.”

Hours later when Ross and Demelza were settled in for the evening, Ross watched the excerpts that Caroline had sent, along with Demelza.  Ross was able to get Demelza to relax more by finding humour in the ridiculous prices of some of the gowns, although Ross had thought to himself that he would pay any price for a dress if Demelza wanted it.  

********************

The next morning, Ross and Demelza were the first to arrive at the bridal shop appointment.  They stood looking around the room of wall to wall white.  Ross stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, “Wow, I don’t know what I was expecting, but I don’t think this was it.”  Right away Ross realised that this experience was not going to be like any other shopping spree that he had been part of.  It was odd to see all of these dresses on hangers and it was definitely difficult to imagine what they would look like on Demelza.  

Ross looked at Demelza perusing, trying to get a feel for what she was thinking, “It’s kind of difficult to picture what any of these dresses will look like on you, don’t you think?”  

“I do.  It’s kind of strange isn’t it.  There are a few dresses on mannequins, that helps a little bit…”

A woman, possibly in her forties, dressed in a tasteful black dress approached the couple, “Good morning!  Are you Demelza?”

“Yes, I am, and this is my fiancee Ross,” she shook the consultant's hand.

“Great!  My name is Tina, it’s wonderful to meet you. I’m going to be your consultant today, and I’ll be helping you pick out dresses to try on, maybe get a feel for what you’re looking for, and hopefully by the end of the appointment you will have found your wedding dress!   I have a corner set up for your entourage to sit and wait while you try on dresses, and a dressing room where we can start hanging up some dresses for you to try on.  Is it just the two of you, or are there more coming?”

“Oh, my best friend Caroline and her boyfriend are on their way…”

“Here we are! We’re here!  Don’t start without us!” Demelza and Ross smiled at the entrance that Caroline and Dwight made, Caroline handing hugs and kisses out.  “Sorry that we’re late, I spilled tea all over me so I had to hurry up and change.  Have you picked out dresses already?”

Demelza shook her head, “Oh no, we were just looking around.  This is Tina, my consultant.  Tina, this is Caroline, my best friend and maid of honour.  We’re having the wedding at her uncle’s estate in Cornwall, and this is her boyfriend Dwight.  He’s going to be Ross’s best man..”

“Oh that sounds wonderful!  Cornwall is such a lovely area.  Now if you’d like, I can give you some more time to look at the dresses.  Demelza, if you have an idea of what you’re looking for, that might help us narrow our search down.  We can look by silhouette, or type of neckline, sleeves or sleeveless, lace, all sorts of aspects of a dress.”

Demelza looked a bit worried, “Oh my.  I’m not sure about the silhouette.  The only thing that I’m really sure about is,” she looked at Ross.

In a soft voice, Ross added, “Ah Tina, I think the one important thing for Demelza is that her back not be visible for the most part.  She has some scars on her back that she doesn’t want people to see.  It’s kind of a private matter.”

Tina shook her head in understanding, “Right, that’s good to know.  Thank you for telling me.  Demelza, if you find a dress that you really love, and the back shows too much, we might be able to add a piece of lace or matching material to the back of the dress.  Our seamstresses are excellent, and they can make it look like it was an original part of the gown. Alright?”

Demelza sighed and smiled, “Thank you.”

“Oh you are more than welcome.  That is just the kind of thing that we do here all of the time, so no worries!  Now let’s get started and have some fun!”

Caroline took off into the racks of dresses like she had a timer that she was racing against.  Ross and Dwight looked at each other and just laughed. Another assistant led the men over to their corner of chairs and mirrors and on a cart in front of the chairs was champagne glasses filled with mimosas and plates of scones.  

It didn’t take long for Dwight to sit down and make himself comfortable with a glass of the champagne drink and a scone.  “I’ll sit here and hold down the fort, Ross.  You go shopping!” 

Ross laughed at his friend.  “Noo I think you should come help pick out a dress with me.”

Dwight waved a hand at Ross, “No, no, I’m fine.  You go have fun.  I’ll support you while I drink my mimosa.”

“Wanker.” And with that, Ross walked back into a wall of white and ivory.

Demelza and Caroline had their heads together looking at a dress that Caroline had picked out.  Demelza was looking at the back of it and noticed that it had a low back to it, so she nixed it.

Ross was looking through a rack of dresses away from Demelza and Caroline and was mumbling something about colour.  Tina the consultant heard him and walked over to him, “How are you doing, Ross?”

“Well, I’m not going to pretend that I know what I’m doing here.  I’m just basically here to support Demelza… but I had no idea there were so many different shades of white!”

Tina chuckled, “Oh yes, very few dresses are actually pure white.  There are some that tend to look more silver under the lights, so most brides shy away from the pure white.  But there is winter white, snow white, egg shell, ecru, ivory, cream, and then for the more daring brides, we have nude or other colours like pink or champagne.  We even have brides who want a red dress or a black dress.  I would think with Demelza’s colouring that she would look beautiful in a soft ivory, or something in that family.  But of course, that’s up to her.  Have you found a dress for her to try on?”

“No not yet,” Ross answered.

“Well, let me know when you do and I’ll put it in the dressing room.”

“Thank you, oh and Tina!”

“Yes?”

“Don’t worry about the budget.  If Demelza says something is too expensive, but it’s really the dress she wants, I’ll pay for it,” Ross informed the consultant.

“Thank you, that’s nice to know.”

It only took another 15 or 20 minutes or so for the dressing room to be full of dresses for Demelza to try on.  She sat down with Tina for a quick chat about what she envisions for her wedding and wedding dress.  “Well, like I said earlier, the wedding is going to be held in Cornwall at the Penvenan estate.  Ross’s mother has breast cancer so we’re kind of in a rush to have the wedding before her surgery in June, so we don’t have long to plan it and find a dress.  And I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve never been the girl to dream about her wedding or what her wedding dress will look like.  So this is all a bit overwhelming for me, which is the main reason why I’ve asked Ross to be here.  His support means a lot to me, and of course he mentioned to you about the scars on my back that I don’t want to be seen at the wedding.”

“Thanks for sharing all of that with me Demelza.  Since we don’t have the normal six months for the dress to come in, we will want to stick with samples so that any alterations can be made quickly.  Now do you have a preference for which dress you want to try on first?” Tina asked.

Demelza shrugged her shoulders, “Nope, I’m following your lead!”

“Alright, let’s get going!”

*******************

Caroline, Dwight and Ross were all in their seats enjoying their adult snacks, when Demelza came out of the dressing room in the first dress.  She stepped up on the small pedestal to look at herself in the mirror.  There was a collective “Ohhh”.

Tina proceeded to describe the dress, “This is a sleeveless, fit and flare silhouette in satin.  It’s a very sleek and elegant look with no embellishments except for the back buttons.  The back of the dress covers most of the scars, but we could build it up higher to cover all of them.”

Demelza turned around to face her entourage, “What do you think?”

Caroline spoke up first, “It’s beautiful Demelza.”

“It’s kind of plain,” Dwight observed.

Ross cleared his throat, “What do you think, Demelza?”

“Mmm it’s alright.  It doesn’t grab me.”

Tina smiled, “Alright, let’s go back to the dressing room.”

**************

Tina and Demelza came out with the next gown.

“Lady and gentlemen, we have another fit and flare gown made of lace with a scoop neckline, with a sheer corset bodice.  The back is cut somewhat low, and once again we can add lace to that.”

Demelza was looking at the dress and turning around, “I like this one.  The way it fits me is nice.  What do you guys think?”

“I like that one.  You look very nice in it,” Dwight gave his expert advice.

Caroline was smiling, “I like that one as well, Dem.”

“It’s beautiful, love, but can you dance in it?” Ross asked.  Everyone chuckled at that.

“I don’t know, come spin me around!” Demelza challenged Ross.  He accepted the challenge and got up and grabbed her by the waist and twirled her around. Demelza almost fell, but of course Ross caught her.

“So what do you think, Demelza?  Is this a possibility? Or at least a gown similar to this?” Tina asked.

“Yeah, I do like it, but I want to try more.”

*********************

Next Demelza came out in a sheath dress that looked more like a nightgown with a very deep slit in the front.  Everyone gave it a resounding “Nooooo” before she even stepped up on the pedestal.

Ross furrowed his brow, “Who picked that one out?  It looked like a slutty nightgown!”

Dwight raised his hand, “That would be me.  Sorry.  I didn’t think it looked that bad on the hanger!”

Ross and Caroline laughed at Dwight and his choice of dress. 

********************

Demelza came out in two more dresses, that just didn’t do the trick for her.  She was feeling discouraged.  She went back to the dressing room with Tina.

Ross got up and started walking around.

“How many dresses has she tried on?  I had no idea that this would be so difficult!” Dwight said.

“Mmmm, I think she’s tried on seven dresses,” Caroline replied.

“Seven!  That poor girl! Hey where did Ross go?” Dwight turned around to look for Ross.

“I don’t know, he was sitting right there with us,” Caroline was wondering what he was up to.

Ross finally slipped back into his chair.

“Where did you come from?” Caroline questioned him.

“Oh.  Nowhere,” Ross took a bite of a scone, “Demelza’s scones are much better than these.”

Caroline put her hand on her hip, “Ross Poldark quit dodging my questions.  What have you been up to?”

Ross’s mouth was full of scone so he was using that as an excuse not to answer Caroline.

Caroline sighed and looked at her watch, “I wonder what’s taking so long, I thought Demelza didn’t have any more dresses to try on.  We’re supposed to be at the other shop in an hour.”

Tina finally came out without Demelza and looked directly at Ross,  “Ross, would you mind going upstairs to look at tuxedos for a bit?”

Ross smiled and gave Tina a wink, “Certainly!” and with that he got up and took the elevator upstairs to the men’s department.

Dwight looked puzzled, “I don’t get it.  What’s going on?  Why does Ross have to go upstairs?”

Tina smiled, “You’ll see.  I’ll be right back with Demelza.”  She went back to the dressing room, and then came out with Demelza.

Dwight and Caroline both gasped when they saw her!  She came out in a beautiful ball gown with a huge smile on her face.  She twirled around once before she stepped up on the pedestal.

Both Dwight and Caroline were staring at her with big smiles on their faces.  

“Demelza, you look absolutely beautiful!” Dwight responded.

“Oh Dem, it’s stunning and you look stunning in it!” Caroline was so excited.

Demelza had her hands up to her cheeks, “I can’t believe it!  I didn’t think I would want a big ball gown, but I love it!  How does the back look?”

Dwight spoke up, “Honestly Dem, you can barely see one scar.  I don’t know if anyone would ever notice it.”

“Oh and if you have a veil, it will surely cover it up at the church,” Caroline suggested.

“Well, we do have a matching veil for this gown.  Would you like to see it?”

“Yes please!”  Demelza was clapping her hands with excitement.

 Tina strolled over to the opposite side of the store and came back with the matching veil.  She positioned the veil on Demelza’s head and let the rest of the cathedral part of the veil fall delicately over the back of the dress.  “Now, this is a beautiful, strapless ballgown with large organza details.  The veil has a few of the organza details as well.”  Once she had everything in place with the dress and the veil, Demelza turned around to face Caroline and Dwight.  They both gasped again at how beautiful their friend looked in the dress.  

“Oh Demelza, you look absolutely breathtaking!” Dwight softly said. 

Caroline huffed, “That’s what I was going to say Dr. Enys!”

“Seriously Demelza, If Ross doesn’t want to marry you in that dress, I’ll marry you!” Dwight proclaimed!  Caroline gave him a smack on his arm.

Tina and Demelza were laughing at the couple.  Demelza turned around so she could look at herself in the mirror.  Her hands were covering her mouth in amazement when she saw herself.  Tears were flowing like the River Thames.  Tina handed her some tissues, “What are you thinking about this dress, Demelza?”

“I’m thinking that this is the one.  This is my dress!  Oh hell, I didn’t even notice how much it costs!”

Dwight spoke up, “Oh Demelza don’t worry about that.  Ross gave me strict orders for you not to worry about the price.”

“He told me that as well, love,” Tina reiterated.

Demelza was practically twirling around in this dress. She was so excited, “Well I guess this is the one then.”

“Well love, would you like me to ask the question?  Are you saying ‘yes to the dress?’”

Demelza was all smiles, “Yes! I’m saying yes to the dress!”  Caroline and Dwight jumped up to give her hugs and kisses.  Caroline made sure that she took pictures of it to send to Grace.

“But wait! I have a question?” Caroline blurted out.  “Where did this dress come from?  Dwight and I didn’t pick it out?”

Tina lifted an eyebrow, “Well, truth be told, Ross found this dress and another ball gown dress, and snuck them to me for Demelza to try on.  The other one was not nearly as pretty as this one, so I had Demelza try this one on.”  

They all remarked, “Ohhhh” in realisation of what had happened.

“That’s where that wanker went when he left us for a while.  That little devil!” Caroline surmised.  

“Well, Demelza, I think that just goes to show how much Ross knows you!” Tina stated.  “Now, since your wedding is in just a few weeks, I’m going to have our main seamstress come up and start weaving her magic to make sure this dress fits you perfectly.  So, why don’t you go back to the dressing room and just hang out there until she finds you.  Caroline and Dwight you can go find Ross and hang out with him or maybe you need to leave for another appointment or work?”

Demelza spoke up, “Oh but don’t tell Ross which dress I chose.  I want that to be a surprise for him.”

Dwight smiled, “Don’t worry, our lips are sealed.  I think we’re just going to see Ross for a second, and then head on out.”

Caroline shrugged, “Yes, I guess there’s nothing we need to hang around for.  Congratulations on finding your dress!”  She hugged Demelza.

“Caroline before you go will you please take a couple of pictures of me in the dress that I can send to Grace?  I want her to feel a part of things as much as possible.”

“Oh yes, good idea.  Maybe we can make arrangements to go down to Cornwall and help her pick out a dress?”

“Oh, Caroline, that's a great idea.  Thank you so much for all of your help!”

**************************

Ross was killing time by looking at the various tuxedos in the mens department on the upper level of the bridal shop.  

Dwight and Caroline tracked him down.  “Ross, are you picking out a tux for the two of us?” Dwight asked.

“Well, I’m not sure if Demelza has something in mind, so I guess I had better discuss it with her.  So what brings the two of you up here?”

Caroline smirked at Ross, “As if you didn’t know, you little sneak!  Demelza found her dress!  So now she’s getting it fitted for her since the wedding is just in a couple of weeks.  You know it normally takes 6 to 9 months to get a wedding dress made.”

Ross pretended to be shocked, “She found her dress! That’s brilliant!  I’m so happy for her.  What does it look like?”

Caroline chuckled, “No you don’t!  You’re not getting it out of us which dress she chose.  I can’t believe you snuck out and found two more dresses for her to try on behind our backs!”

Ross was laughing pretty hard now, where his head goes back and his mouth is open wide, “Why Caroline whatever do you mean?”  Caroline was giving him a dirty look now.  “Look, I could tell she was struggling with the dresses that she was trying on, so I just thought I would pick out a couple of dresses for her to try that look completely different from the ones she was trying on.  They were both very beautiful and I thought she would look incredible in either one of them.”  He looked at Dwight and Caroline, “Soooo am I to surmise that she chose one of the two dresses?”

Dwight was smiling at his best mate, “She most certainly did, and you are correct!  She looks absolutely stunning in it, but she has instructed us not to tell you which dress she picked.  So don’t try to get it out of us so you can be surprised on the wedding day.”

“I wouldn’t dream of asking which dress she chose.  So what are you two doing the rest of the day?” Ross asked.

Dwight stuck his hands in his pockets, “Well, I have the day off, and since we were supposed to go to another bridal shop, I don’t have any plans.  What are you going to do Caroline?” 

“Well, actually, I was thinking about going back downstairs, and maybe Demelza and I can find a bridesmaid dress for myself when she’s done getting fitted for her dress.  I’d like to get that taken care of.”  

Caroline’s phone started ringing, “Demelza?  What’s going on?  Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.  I’m almost done here with the seamstress, so I was wondering if you want to look for your bridesmaid dress.  And I thought maybe Ross and Dwight might want to look for their tuxes and get those ordered.”

Caroline waved the guys to stay where they were, “Okay, I’m going to put you on speaker so they can hear you as well.  So do you have an idea of what kind of tuxes you want them to wear?”

“Well, black of course, ummm what do you think Ross?” Demelza was having a hard time concentrating with the seamstress still working on her dress.

Ross folded his arms in front of him as he cleared his throat, “Well love, do you want a bow tie or a standard tie?  Do you want a waist coat or cumberbun?”

“Ouch!” Demelza screamed.  “Sorry!  I just got stuck by a pin!  Umm bow tie, and a waistcoat. How does that sound? Oh heavens, I hope I didn’t bleed on the dress!”

Ross responded, “Okay Dem, I’m pretty sure that Dwight and I can figure out the tuxes, so you don’t need to worry about it.  Caroline is going to head down to help you out and hopefully we’ll be done about the same time.  Sound good?” 

Demelza sighed, “Yeah sounds good.  Thanks love.”

“Dem, I’m going to hang up now and I’ll be down in a minute.”  Caroline hung up and looked at the guys, “Do you need me to help you pick out a tux?”

They both looked at her and at the same time said a resounding, “Noooo!”

Dwight looked at Caroline, “Caroline, my love, Ross and I are totally capable of picking out a tux for the wedding.  We’ve both worn a tux a billion times so we know what we’re doing.  So please go on downstairs and help Demelza.”  He gave her a quick kiss and sent her on her way.

**********************

Forty-five minutes later Dwight and Ross were seated downstairs in the lobby waiting on Demelza and Caroline.  Ross kept looking at his watch because he still had to go to work.  

Finally the girls revealed themselves, the guys standing up to greet them.  Ross leaned over to kiss a smiling Demelza, “Well is everything set with your dress and Caroline’s bridesmaid dress?”

“Yes, they have my measurements, and have stuck me like a pin cushion.  I’ve paid for the deposit on my dress.  I still need to come back after I find the shoes that I’m going to wear that day.  Caroline found a beautiful bridesmaid dress so that’s all sorted.  What about you two - did you find a tux?”

Ross was shaking his head yes, “Yes, we did and I even took a picture of them so you could approve.”

Ross showed her the picture on his phone, “Oh yes, I like those!  Good job!  So, I’m starving. Can we go get something to eat please?”

Ross smiled and looked at his watch, “I still have some time before I have to be at work.  Where would you like to go?  And I’m not eating Chinese for brunch.”

“I think there’s a place just up the street,” Dwight said, “I think they still serve breakfast.”

“Sounds good.  We’ll meet you there,” Ross replied.

********************

The two couples had just given their orders to the waitress.  There was an air of excitement carried over from the bridal store.  Demelza leaned over to give Ross a kiss, which was unusual for her to do.  She doesn’t normally do a lot of PDA, but she couldn’t help herself with getting her dress picked out and the tuxes sorted.  She looked at Ross with love in her eyes, “Caroline took a picture of me in the dress so that I can send it to your mum.”

“Aww what a great idea!  She’ll love that,” Ross answered back.

“Yes, I thought so too.  Caroline thought maybe we could go down and help her pick out a dress.  Do you think she’d like that?”

“Ahh maybe.  Probably depends on how she’s feeling.  I can ask dad what he thinks.  I need to speak with them about their wedding guest list and see how that’s coming along.  Did you decide on if you want some friends from the orchestra to play at the wedding?”

“No, I haven’t, I need to make a decision on that.  I’ll put that in my phone as a reminder,” Demelza said.

Dwight smiled at Ross when he saw Caroline bring out her notebook full of lists of things to do, “You need to reserve your wedding cake, and your caterer.  Maybe we should make a weekend to go to Cornwall to get some of this stuff done.  Oh and Demelza, who is going to walk you down the aisle?  They’ll need a tux as well,” Caroline was in her wedding planner mode now and didn’t look up to see Demelza’s face..

That question brought the mood down real quickly.  Demelza and Ross both shot their heads up and looked at Caroline, and then at each other.  Ross wrapped his arm around Demelza.  Dwight looked at the couple and then looked at Caroline.   Finally Caroline realised that it had gotten quiet at their table and looked up to see all three looking at her.

Demelza stammered at first.  “I… um… I don’t have a fucking clue.”  They all knew that Demelza rarely used the F word, so this was serious.

Caroline felt bad about jumping into this conversation.  She hadn’t considered how hard this part of the ceremony would be for Demelza.  “Well, you don’t have to have anyone walk you down the aisle.  You could just walk down by yourself.  I’m sorry Demelza, I wasn’t thinking about how hard this part will be for you.  If you need to talk about it let me know.”

“Thank you Caroline.  I know you didn’t mean any harm.  Oh look, our food is here!” Ross kept a close eye on her for the rest of their meal.  

**********************

The two couples had gone their own way for the rest of the day.  Ross took Demelza home before he had to go to work for the rest of the day.  He shut off the car in the driveway and looked at Demelza.  “Well love, how do you feel about today?”

“I was feeling pretty chuffed until Caroline asked who was going to walk me down the aisle.  That hit me hard, and it’s not her fault, it’s something I just haven’t thought about.  Isn’t that stupid of me!”

“Ross shook his head, no love it’s not stupid at all.  I haven’t thought about it either.  But you do have a couple of choices so it’s not a horrible thing.  You could ask Drake, you could even ask Caroline or Dwight to walk you down.  Or you could walk down half way by yourself, and then I could come get you, or you could just walk the whole way down by your beautiful, independent self.  Or you could ask my dad even.  Just don’t let it stress you out or put a black cloud over the planning.  It’s just one small part.  Are you happy with your dress?”

That question brought a bright smile to Demelza’s face, “I absolutely love my dress.  Thank you for finding it for me!”

Ross leaned in and kissed her lovingly, “You are very welcome.  And you are going to look spectacular in, whichever one it is you chose.  And I love that you are going to send a picture of it to my mum.  I just know that it will bring tears to her eyes.”

“Oh I just want to include her as much as possible.  I need to look at my schedule and find a 3-4 day stretch where Caroline and I and hopefully you, can go down there and work on hiring a caterer, and the wedding cake, and the flowers, and find a DJ for dancing.  So if you could browse online and check out different style wedding cakes, and what flavours you might like, that will be a big help, right?”

“Yeah I can do that.  I’m afraid work will be a little busy now that I don’t have an assistant.  I don’t know how that’s all going to come about.  I’m assuming that HR will do the hiring.  I better get going.  I’ll see you tonight, at the stage door!  Same time, same bat channel!”  Demelza was laughing when she left the car, which made Ross happy.  He wanted to leave her on a good note, because he knew that she will probably obsess about who she is going to pick to walk her down the aisle.  

Ross quickly rolled down the window and yelled at Demelza, “Hey!”

Demelza turned around and looked back at her betrothed, “What?”

“I love you, Demelza!”

Demelza smiled, “I love you too, Ross!”

***********************

Ross was trying to concentrate on his way to work on what he needed to accomplish at work.  He could work late if he needed to since Demelza will be at the music hall, although that does leave Seamus alone for quite a while.  He’ll just see how everything goes once he gets to work.  Just then his phone started ringing, he assumed Demelza had forgotten something and was calling him back, “Hi babe did you forget something?”

“Babe?  You never called me that when we were together?”

At first Ross couldn’t place the voice, and then it hit him who it was.  His eyes got huge.  “Elizabeth?”

“Yes, BABE, it’s me.”

“What the fuck do you want Elizabeth?”

“Well that’s a fine greeting for your cousin.”

“Elizabeth, I’m on my way into work and I don’t have time for this, so spit it out.”

“Why are you just going into work now?”

“Because Demelza and I had an appointment this morning if you must know.  Now, I’ll say it again.  What the fuck do you want?”

“Well, since you’re being so brash, so will I.  Why the fuck are you getting married in just six weeks!  What on earth are you thinking, Ross?  She is so completely wrong for you!”

Ross sighed and was shaking his head, “Elizabeth, in case you’ve forgotten, you cheated on me with my own cousin several years ago.  That fact negates any claim you used to have on me.  You were the slut that cheated on me!  I do not have to tell you a goddamn thing about my life including who I marry, and when we get married.”  Just then a car was honking at Ross, “Shit!  I just about caused an accident because of you.  Elizabeth go fuck yourself and leave me the hell alone!  Don’t call me back!”

The phone rang again so Ross answered it, “Elizabeth I told you…

Suddenly everything in Ross’s world was in slow motion.  There were sounds of honking, the screech of tires, then the unmistakable sound of metal crunching.  Ross’s head was spinning around before his head hit something and the car finally came to a stop, his body lurched forward into the seatbelt.  Then it was so quiet that Ross could hear the blood rushing through his ears, and his own breathing.  The smell of burnt rubber permeating the air.  Ross raised his hand to his head and found blood. Sharp, striking pains seared through his head. He managed to put a hand to his very painful chest.  He tried to look around him, but then his eyes closed.

**********************

[boxoftheskyking]

So you might want to buy a house

DISCLAIMER: all of this is based on my own experience, and I am in no way a real estate professional. This is just some stuff that I’ve learned and some steps that I wish I’d known more about in advance, in hopes that it might be helpful for some people. I might get some terminology wrong, or make mistakes, but hopefully the general info is at least kind of helpful

ABOUT ME: because real estate stuff is specific. I am 33, single, employed, and live in a city in Minnesota, USA. This is my first home purchase, so most of this is specific to being a first-time buyer. I’ve been renting in this area for 15 years. I closed on my house in August 2023.

NOTE: The real estate market is super weird, and varies hugely from region to region, neighborhood to neighborhood, and week to week. What shook out for me will not be what shakes out for you.

This is SO LONG, so it’s under a cut, and I hope you will take it with the good faith in was intended!

Where do I start?

So you want to get started but want to talk things over first. This is a good idea! Even if you have friends and family who have bought before, it’s nice to talk to official type people where you can ask any and every question and know they’ve heard way dumber questions than you could ever come up with over the course of their career.

Employee Assistance Program -If you work a job that has benefits, you might have what’s called an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Some companies get it along with their health insurance as kind of a bundle, but a lot of people don’t talk about it or know about it. -EAPs are all different, they’re basically a resource hub that you might have access to if your employer covers it. Some things they offer are limited therapy/counseling sessions (usually around a specific need like a breakup/death/life transition), consultation about adoption, personal financial advising, and consultation on housing and buying property. -I used my EAP to find a bunch of organizations that work to support first-time home buyers. The one I went with, NeighborWorks Home Partners, is specific to my area, but there were other options listed. -I didn’t actually talk to anyone related to the EAP, I just logged in to a site that had a bunch of links. But I could have talked to someone if I wanted -If you work a job and have benefits like health insurance, retirement, dental, etc it’s worth asking whoever does your benefits (and HR person, general manager, office manager, etc) if there is an EAP. Again, a lot of people don’t really talk about it.

Homebuyer Education -There’s a bunch of different organizations that provide homebuyer education. I didn’t know many of the details about homebuying, and it’s super confusing and anxiety-inducing, so I found it helpful -There’s a few ways to do this—I did both a one-on-one consultation and an online class -The one-on-one consultation was free from the org I chose. We talked on Zoom and went over monthly budgets (which I didn’t really need to do, I make budgets for a living lolllll), a soft credit pull (will talk more about this below) and talk about what goes into a credit score, and all the different expenses that go into a house and what that might look like. At the end of the day, it gave me the first sense of what my budget for a house might be.  -They did a soft credit pull (see below), which gave me a sense of my credit. It was more accurate than a thing like Credit Karma or my bank. -One note about the consultation - my down payment assistance program (will talk more about this later) required me to redo it, because I did it over a year before closing. So depending on your programs you might need to pay attention to the timeline. I also got a certificate saying I did it that I submitted to my assistance program. (Redoing it meant like a 10 minute call where the guy just helped talk me through my closing documents) -It cost me $75 to take an online class that took a few hours. It was in 8 parts and included watching some videos, reading some short articles, and then taking quizzes. You had to get 80% right to pass, and you can redo it if you need to. It went over most of the things to know and had links to read more. I also got a certificate for that to submit, and it didn’t matter how much time had passed for my assistance program. 

Credit -I’m not going to explain everything about credit, because it is complicated -A soft credit pull is when they check the three major credit reporting agencies to get a general sense of your score. It’s not 100% accurate. -A hard credit pull is what lenders will do when you actually go in for a preapproval (more below). It will be the most accurate. A hard credit pull will have an affect on your credit score, so if you’re ever doing something that involves a hard credit pull, it’s best to do all of that within a month so that it only really hits once. -There are 3 credit reporting agencies, and your score will be different from each one. Why? no idea. They all have a different maximum number that your score can be. Why? again, no idea. It’s around 850 though. -Generally things get easier to do if your score is above 680ish. It’s not like you can’t get a house with a lower score, but sometimes there are other hoops to jump through. -I’m not very useful when it comes to buying a house with low credit, but I bet there are people who are!  -You build credit by owing money and paying it regularly. It’s annoying and dumb, but it’s the way it is. Paying rent on time builds your credit, having a credit card that you pay off every month builds credit, paying utility bills that are in your name builds credit. (Note: This stuff has to be in your name for it to count, so if you pay your roommate every month for the electric bill and it’s in their name, it won’t count. So if you’re in that situation, you may want to put something in your name like a card to build your score). Paying off a car or phone or student loan also helps. -I have really good credit, and I’m neither rich nor special. I just set everything to autopay, including my credit card bill. I use my credit card for most things that I just shop for in the world like groceries, etc, and then I have all my bills autopay from my checking account. How did people do this shit before autopay? I have no idea.

Mortgage vs. Rent -The benefit of paying a mortgage vs rent is that you’re building equity if you pay into a mortgage. This is a surprise tool that will help you later. Which means that if you are in a situation where you need money, you can borrow from what you’ve paid into your mortgage. So like if you get very sick or have a kid going to school or want to throw a big party, you could get a loan based on your equity -Equity is confusing, don’t ask me about it -For me, I pay a bit more per month than I did in rent at my last place. BUT mostly that’s because I’d been living in the same place for many years and my rent hadn’t gone up that much. One of the first things I did when considering buying is look at how much it would cost to rent a house like the kind I would want to buy. And those rents are over what I ended up paying monthly to my mortgage. -Keep in mind that you will be taking on some extra expenses that you don’t have as a renter (like maintenance, repairs, etc). Note: if you’re buying a condo, that’s different. I don’t know shit about that. -So for me, paying my landlord every month for him to occasionally (half-assedly) fix stuff (on his schedule, where he decides who to hire or how to do the work, where he is a stranger in my space for the duration) was not as appealing as me paying the bank every month so I can have some equity  -The first 6 months of owning a house feels like hemorrhaging money out of every orifice, but the majority of these expenses are one-time or rarely-reoccurring things. But I didn’t quite prepare for this the way I wish I had, so when you’re thinking about building your savings to buy a house, you’ll want to consider things like furniture, small repairs, pest control, duct cleaning, gutter cleaning, many many visits to a hardware store, realizing some of your stuff doesn’t fit the way it did in the old place and you have to get new things.... etc. 

The Money Stuff

Lenders -It might be appealing to start by looking at properties, but especially in a hot market that’s not what you want to do first -The first thing to do is to look at lenders! Lenders are basically the institutions that give you the loan to buy your house, and the ones you will be paying monthly for the 30 years of your loan (or until you sell) (or die I guess) -I talked to like 13 lenders, because I love an excuse not to move forward on scary things, so I just do research and research and research until I run out of steam. So i don’t necessarily recommend doing that. But you definitely want to talk to at least a few. -Lenders can be banks (like Bank of American, US Bank, Wells Fargo, etc), credit unions (like Affinity, RCU, etc), or smaller mortgage companies. -You can also talk to mortgage brokers, which are companies that have agreements with different banks or companies and can shop around on your behalf. -I got my list of people to talk to from: my consultation (above), friends who had bought/were buying, friends who like their bank/credit unions for other things -You’ll have a specific person you’re working with, so who that person is matters. -Things you’ll want to ask about 1. How is their communication? How big is your team? If you see a house on a Saturday and they need offers by Sunday afternoon, how likely is it that they will get your preapproval letter ready in time?  2. Are they good at explaining things to you? Do they work with first-time homebuyers a lot? Do you feel dumb talking to them? Are they mortgage nerds and genuinely seem like they care about finding you good deals and cool programs? 3. What are their interest rates at the moment? Know that this will change between now and the time you have the option to lock in, so don’t put too too much weight on this 4. Most importantly: What assistance programs do they have access to? Everyone has different ones, which we’ll talk about below. Don’t assume that because a bank is huge that they have a ton of assistance. Some small places have really great programs. Likewise, some of the banks that are more well-known for big ticket mortgages (like Jumbo loans for mansions, etc) actually have crazy good programs for low-income and first-time home buyers, because they need to show that they also work for the little guy -I ended up going with a small local mortgage company because they had a kickass program ($10,000 in down payment assistance that is forgivable in 5 years. So as long as I don’t sell my house in 5 years, I don’t have to pay that back). -You may be tempted to solely base your decision on who to get a mortgage from on the politics of the lending institution. This is a lovely instinct. HOWEVER, your mortgage can be sold to anyone at any time. Within a month of moving in, my mortgage was sold to Freddie Mac. I still pay the credit union that is the servicer of my loan, but it all goes back to the big guy in the end. So basically you have no control of where your money ends up. (or maybe you do somehow, ask someone else about that) -At the end of the day, you should apply to like 2-4 different lenders. Once you fill out your application, they’ll do a hard credit pull and look at all your income, bank accounts, etc, and they’ll pre-approve you for a certain amount of money. -This is really where you’ll get your house-hunting budget. There can be a pretty big range in what you’re approved for! One lender approved me for $220K (”maybe $225K” they said). Another approved me for $280K. You’ll want to pick a lender based on all the above information, along with the amount you’re approved for. Being approved for $280K doesn’t mean that’s what you should spend (you can, but I don’t recommend it), but it does mean that your budget can be more like $250K, compared for $225K. You’ll want to look around at your area to see what’s reasonable for you.

Downpayment Assistance -for a lot of first-time buyers, the downpayment (and closing costs) is the thing that’s standing between you and being a homeowner. So that’s what a lot of organizations focus on -The more you put down (i.e. pay right off the bat), the lower your loan will be, and therefore the less your monthly payment will be. So it’s worth it to try and pay down as much as possible -(Likewise, if you buy and house and then get a windfall and are like What do I do with all this cash, paying down your mortgage will save you money) -This is because you pay MORE in interest than you pay for your house, so the less your loan is, the less you’re paying in interest. If you find a way to pay off your loan early, you end up paying less interest! And you win against the bank! If you get a raise and are able to put even like an extra $100 towards your mortgage each month, that can cut years off your loan and build your equity more quickly, thereby cutting down on the interest you end up paying. So unlike paying more money to a landlord who will eat it with a spoon, maybe more in your mortgage early is helpful for you. -Lots of downpayment assistance (hereinafter DPA) is stackable! So you can qualify for multiple programs and use them all -Many have an income requirement (for one of mine, I need to make 80% of the median income in my area or less). -Many are location specific. Some of those you can look up in advance and try to focus on properties in those areas. Some are super super specific, like this block only, or these specific addresses. That’s true for one of my programs—whenever I was considering making an offer on a house, I’d email my lender and she’d tell me if that specific address counts for the assistance program -At the end of the day, I got $30K in assistance. $10K of that is forgivable in 5 years (so I don’t have to pay it back unless I sell in that time). The other $20K is from two separate no-interest loans. This means that if I sell the house, I have to pay back that amount. Ideally by that time I’ll have enough equity in my house that will cover that. -Interest rates are super high right now, so if you’re buying now you want to think about refinancing. Refinancing is basically when you negotiate a new deal with your lender. There are fees and things (I’ve never done it so IDK), but the benefit of doing that is getting a lower interest rate. So my rate is 6.25%, and in 5 years if the rate goes down to like 2.3% I may want to refinance so I’ll be paying less in interest over the course of my loan. -If you’re getting DPA that’s a loan, you will want to ask what happens when you refinance. They’ll probably tell you either you have to pay it back when you refinance (so don’t get stuck in that situation if you don’t have that $$$ on hand) or they’ll say it’ll be subordinated -this took me like weeks to get a straight answer on wtf is subordination. Basically, you pay your loans off in order, right, so you pay your mortgage and then after that you pay off your DPA loans. So if you refinance, then your mortgage ends up being “newer” I guess. So in order to put the mortgage back “on top” of the pile to pay off, so to speak, you pay that (and it’s interest) first, the DPA loans get shoved down underneath the mortgage on the list. 

Interest Rates -You can’t control interest rates. Honestly markets are so volatile and the world is so close to ending, I would say it’s not worth waiting for them to go down. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. No one fuckin knows -So many global, political, circumstantial things affect these, and who knows what might happen. My friends happened to be closing during the time the debt ceiling almost freaked out, which was outside of their control, so they got screwed with a super high rate.  -After you get an offer accepted and you’re working on setting up your loan, you’ll usually get the offer to “lock in” an interest rate. Basically, if you have reason to believe rates will go down before you close, don’t do it. if you think they’ll go up, then do it. Who fuckin knows. I did it bc I didn’t think it was likely stuff would go down. And I haven’t looked it up bc if they did I don’t want to know -There are more complicated things you can do with interest rates, like “floating down” and APRs and other shit. Don’t ask me about them, I do not know.

Looking for houses

Realtors -Who your realtor is MATTERS y’all. Here is what a realtor will do: 1. Give you access to a Super Awesome online listing of properties (much better than Zillow! Updates constantly). They will set your search filters based on what you specifically want and your specific budget. That includes size, amenities, location, school district, garage, yard, etc etc 2. Arrange showings for you. Sometimes you might want to go to open houses, but you don’t have to wait for those to see a house. You tell your realtor what you’re interested in and they can set up a time for just you and them to see the place 3. Access houses with funky lil lockboxes. Heist teams should include realtors—I’ve seen my guy get into the weirdest of devices in no time 4. Recommend places to you 5. Talk on your behalf with the seller’s agents or the sellers themselves 6. Take you all the way through your offers, acceptance, all the way to closing (basically, most of the rest of this post) -I am really lucky that a friend of mine is one of the best realtors in town (in my humble opinon). It really worked out for me, because when it came to negotiating price and terms with sellers and their agents, people already respected him and his expertise because he was a known fixture in the field. I’m not saying that an early-career or unknown realtor is bad, but reputation can do a lot of heavy lifting for you (as you’ll see later) -My realtor, S, is not only a friend, but also someone who has owned, rented, built, remodeled, bought, and sold everything from high rise condos to alpaca farms to tiny houses built in shipping containers. That experience was super useful to me for a few reasons: 1. He was very very good at looking at a roof, foundation, or basement, and saying “absolutely not, this is a mess” —I could only rarely see what he was talking about because I know nothing 2. If I looked at a space and said “what if I wanted to add a shower there?” or “could I make this basement area a bedroom?” S was able to pretty accurately estimate what that would cost. So that became part of the math as we looked at places, which was really useful and saved me so much time doing research on my own 3. He’s a queer artist who grew up in a nontraditional family and has lived many fascinating and non-standard lives. I only mention this because when I wanted to talk about my future and what my home could look like, I didn’t have to worry about S making assumptions about what “family” consists of or what my “role” would be. And as a single woman who is looking to adopt, that really meant a lot to me! -(side note if you’re in the Twin Cities and want S’s info, hit me up) -The most important thing about working with S, for me, is that he never made me feel foolish. I gradually got really good at talking about and looking at houses, but even when I asked questions that were obviously, or made incorrect assumptions, he never treated me like I should have known the answers, or like the process was supposed to be easy. And the guy genuinely loves houses!

What to Look For -You’ll want to find a house that fits what you want your life to be, not necessarily what it is at this moment. So think about what you want your day to day to be like. Will you be working from home at all? Do you have or want kids or pets? Do you want to be a person who hosts out of town guests? Do you want to have band practice at your place? Do you want to host D&D? Large holiday meals? Do you want to garden? Grill? Have a firepit? Do you have a car, or do you think you will? Do you have physical access needs based on your body, like particular types of doorways, floors, stairs, size of spaces, etc.? Are there furniture pieces that are important to you that you want to plan around? (For me, I have an electric piano, and placing that was super important).

-I’m a single person, and I want to adopt a kid, and I know I’ll need a roommate in order to afford my mortgage. So it was vital for me to find a house that either had 3 bedrooms, or had 2 bedrooms and a 3rd could be easily finished/added. it was also important that my roommate would have their own private space that was decent size for me to charge rent -Think about all year round. I live in Minnesota, and you better believe snow was top of mind at every house. As a renter, my landlord was supposed to deal, with anything over 3 inches (did he always? of course not). Now it’s my responsibility. What kind of trees are around? Do you have big storms? You need to pay attention to big branches and power lines. Is it getting super hot where you live? You probably want to prioritize central air, or shade.

-On the topic of central air - It’s pricey to add it to a house that doesn’t have forced air heat, because you have to add all the ductwork. If that’s the case and you don’t have that $$$, you can either go with window units or something called a mini-split. It’s basically mini air conditioners that heat floors separately, but have a better range than a window unit. -Does the house have a yard you want to deal with? How about a sidewalk you have to shovel (woe unto you in corner lots) -How does bussing work for the schools in your area, if that matters to you? -Some houses will be empty. Empty rooms look smaller than rooms that have shit in them -Some will be staged. People who stage houses don’t fill them with STUFF, so you’ll notice few bookcases, coatracks, etc. Think about the stuff you have, not the stuff they put in the house. -You will be AMAZED at how some people live. Seriously. Some people have a giant ass oak tree literally leaning on their roof and just deal with it. Some people have 3 bedroom houses, and the only bathroom is only accessible by going through one of the bedrooms. Some people have their fridge down a flight of stairs from the kitchen. Some people have their laundry in the basement, but the only access to the basement is through an outside door. In some climates that’s fine, but I live in fucking Minnesota -I had the instinct when I started looking that I needed to be entirely open to everything, and not be too picky. After about two weeks of looking (and S had me going to like 4-9 showings a day some days), I got real picky real fast. This was helpful for S and helpful for me, so we weren’t wasting time on houses that weren’t contenders. I learned that the houses’ feelings did not get hurt by me not wanting to buy them -Likewise, I started out being entirely open about where I wanted to live. Anywhere in the Cities or near suburbs, I said. But then I went to see houses in these places and realized I did not want to drive that far to work, or that the only way to access places was by the highway, so if it shuts down or there’s a bad snowstorm, I’m stuck. -To that end, i found it really helpful to make myself a Google map (you can make some and save them) of where I go. I included work, church, my bandmates houses, bars I like to go to, and my friends’ houses. Then whenever I was considering a house I’d plunk it on the map and see how it lined up with the realities of my life. -We’ll talk about offers in a sec, but remember that people can technically list their house for whatever number they want. So it’ll be up to you and your realtor to decide what’s fair. I mention this here, because a house may be listed way cheaper than others on your list—there’s likely a reason for that, but if it looks promising, give it a try! It could be that the reason it’s listed low doesn’t matter to you (i.e. it’s next to an annoying business that you don’t mind, or doesn’t have a garage but you don’t have a car, or the other houses int he neighborhood have yards and this doesn’t). Or it could be the seller needs to move it FAST and you can take advantage of their situation. -If you’re a handy person, a cheaper house might be a great option if fixing it up to be what you want is affordable for you. (Again, this is where a realtor like S can be super helpful to come up with those costs). For me, I didn’t want to do jack shit to the house, and I knew I’d be paying for that. (not that I don’t have a whole spreadsheet of eventual projects....but that’s invevitable) -Likewise, it can be helpful to set your filters to include houses a bit above your budget. Some people list their houses WAY higher than they should, so if you see a property that’s been on the market for a while (when I was looking the market was hothothot, so “a while” could mean anything over a week/10 days. In a slower market, you’ll want to look at those that have been listed for 30+ days), it might be worth checking out and then offering low. Chances are the seller will need to reduce the price anyway if they’re not getting any bites, and you could get a good deal by jumping in before they do that. -IDK where else to put this, but measure the garage. I didn’t, and I discovered like a month ago that my car (a little compact Toyota) is too long for my damn garage. It’s not that I wouldn’t have bought the house because of that, but I could have included it in some negotiations.

Offers -So you found a house you like! Now the scary part. 

-You’ll get a sense of the market from your realtor, and they can usually advise you about how quickly you need to move on a potential offer. Sometimes a seller will give a deadline themselves: they call this “best and highest.” So they’ll say “we’re hearing offers at 3pm tomorrow” or “we’re asking for best and highest on Monday.” Generally that’s the cutoff for receiving viable offers. -In the market when I was buying, it was pretty common for houses to sell for 20-40K over the asking price. Again, some houses would be listed too high or too low, as I mentioned before, but on average that’s what I was working with. There were also a TON of offers on all the properties I liked. The lowest number of offers on a house I tried to get was 5, the highest was 19. That is kind of insane. In a slower market, when you’re not competing with that many people, you can offer closer to the asking price (or some people just say “asking” as in “20 over asking”) -The first thing I did when I decided to put in an offer, was to talk to my realtor so he could start getting the paperwork together. You can’t just email the seller and say “i want your house,” there are legal documents that have to be drawn up to make it a binding agreement if it’s accepted. -My folks bought their house without a realtor and did all the negotiating, etc, themselves, but they still needed a realtor friend to do the paperwork for them. If you go that route, you can probably do more informal offers, but IDK how that works. -The next thing I did was contact my lender for the following things: 1. I gave them the address and asked “Does this fall within certain DPAs?” 2. I asked them to run some numbers for me. Usually it was a version of: “What would my monthly payment be if I offered $240K and put down $5K in earnest money, and if I had $20K of downpayment assistance? How about if I offered $245K or $250K? What if I only put down $2500?” This helped me figure out what kind of offer I could reasonably make, and what it would actually cost me monthly if I got the house. 3. Then, when I decided what I wanted to offer, I would ask for a preapproval letter that includes the address of the property, basically saying “hey we’re a lender and we will give Jay a loan of $XX to buy this house, pinky promise” -I copied S on all my communications with the lender, so he knew what I was considering and he could give advice -(sometimes I saw a house on Friday and had to make an offer by noon on Saturday, leading to me trying to call my lender at 9am on a Saturday morning, which sucked. This is why knowing who’s on your lender’s team and how to contact them matters) -There’s no hard and fast way to decide on a good offer, because you won’t know how many you’re competing against. Sometimes your realtor might be able to chat with the sellers agent and find out how many people saw the property, if they have a sense of how popular it is, but sometimes you want. You want to be able to afford it, but also not go so low that you won’t even be considered. -Usually, your realtor will ask you to write a love letter to the house to include in the offer. “Dear seller, I love your house because of blah blah blah, I can see myself doing blah blah blah, specifics specifics.” Do these matter? I don’t feel like they do but whatever. Make a template and update it for each offer. -One thing to note about this is that you DO NOT want to give information about yourself regarding your status in a protected class (i.e. “we’re a young queer couple; I’m a neurodivergent person; I’m an immigrant/veteran/belong to X racial group”). It might seem like that would be helpful in certain areas, but sellers aren’t legally allowed to pick a buyer based on those things, so it ends up working against you.  You can talk about what you do as a job or as a hobby, if you’re an artist, if you’re a parent, if you have pets, if you know who else will be living int he house with you, etc. You can hint at things. But S was very clear with me about keeping it pretty general and about the house. -Once you’ve decided on the $$$ you’re offering, you need to decide if there’s anything else to add to “sweeten the pot.” For some people, that’s saying “my timeline is totally flexible, so if you need to close in a month that’s fine, and if you need to close in 4 months that’s fine.” A lot of people choose to waive inspections. -OHHHHHH Ye olde inspection. Dear God. -The inspection is basically a thing where you hire a professional to look at the house before you officially seal the deal, and they tell you if there are things you need to be concerned about. So if the inspector comes in and says “yeah this roof is going to cave in in a year,” you can use that in your negotiation and say “look, I’m going to lower my offer by $15K, because I will need a new roof in a year.” then it’s up to the seller to decide if they want to agree to that, or if they want to try again to find a buyer who hopefully would not get an inspection. -to “waive an inspection” means that you’re agreeing to skip this step -OK so my instinct was always “I will NEVER waive the inspection,” and a lot of people feel that way. HOWEVER, I did not get certain houses because the people who did offered exactly what I did and waived the inspection. There was a buyer who had made SEVENTEEN OFFERS and beat me out on a house, and they got that house after SEVENTEEN OTHER TRIES because they waived an inspection. -I did get an inspection with my house, which was lucky and also thanks to S being a great negotiator. -I waived it on one of my offers -I would say I’d be comfortable waiving an inspection if: 1. You or your realtor knows shit about buildings, codes, etc. S knew a lot, so was able to look at things like furnaces, windows, basement beams, foundations, etc etc. 2. The important parts of the house are easily visible. Usually this means an unfinished basement. if the basement is finished, you probably can’t see all the structural things you’d need to 3. You’re already planning to do a bunch of work on a house, so you’re offering a lower bid and budgeting to do renovations anyway -At the end of the day, it’s your call. More about inspections below. -Most people who buy houses have mortgages, meaning that they can’t just drop $250K on a house. However, some people got it like that, so they make what is called a cash offer. Cash offers will win out every time, because they are usually higher, are easier for the sellers, and will often waive inspections. Depending on your region and your budget, you may or may not see this. I got screwed SO MANY TIMES and so did my friends, by all-cash, no inspection offers. The majority of these are from people who are buying properties to rent out or Airbnb - they won’t live there so they don’t really care if it’s solid, and my budget range seemed to be about where rich people who don’t want to flip a house felt comfortable buying. It was annoying. -but hey if you got it like that, go for it. -Once you have all the terms of your offer figured out, your realtor will send you the official offer paperwork that you’ll sign (prob. digitally). Then they’ll send it over to the seller and be in charge of all that communication. If the seller comes back with a counter, or with questions, your realtor will bring that to you. They may advise you, but at the end of the day it is up to you what you’ll offer and what you’ll accept.

You got accepted!

-Holy cats, they said yes to your offer and your terms! This is a huge moment to celebrate! I cried! And obsessively looked at pictures of the house over and over -The seller may come back to you with some proposed adjustments. In my case they wanted to round the selling price up by $1K, which I agreed to. (IDK why they cared, but in the grand scheme that was fine). They also wanted to change some of the verbiage in the offer that didn’t actually affect anything. -The first thing you’ll need to do is put down the earnest money. That is usually held in a trust or something similar until closing. But basically, if you said you’d put down $5K of your own money in the offer, you have to prove you have it right away. So don’t offer to put down earnest money that you don’t have! -The higher this number, the more appealing your offer generally is -There are a lot of things that will need to wait until you close, so this period of time feels really weird -You’ll have a purchase agreement (along with any addendums or changes) that basically says “I’m Jay and I offer $XX, the seller agreed to the price and the terms, we’ll see how it goes from here and if it all goes well, this deal will go through” -I’m gonna say it now, don’t ask me about escrow. Escrow is basically like an account where money lives between you and the bank. You pay extra into this account so that if something happens and you can’t pay what you agreed, the bank still gets the money for a certain period of time. or something like that, I don’t know, it gives me a headache. I’m sure other people understand it better.

Next steps

Inspection -If you included an inspection in your offer/purchase agreement, you’ll want to set that up within a few days. (Don’t worry about booking “last minute,” inspectors pretty much always work on that kind of schedule. Very few people are booking inspectors weeks in advance. This was something I felt bad about, but it’s okay)

-Inspections are pricey, and usually have different packages that include different things. I chose to do the sewer scope bc I had a friend who found some crazy sewer issues and I didn’t want to deal with it. Your realtor can probably give you advice on what you might need. -Inspector look at a lot of things: all your systems (like heating, cooling, pipes, electricity, etc),  your windows, roof, foundation, gutters, attics, floors, plumping, appliances, etc. -They do NOT open walls/ceilings/floors, etc. So if it’s not visible, they won’t be able to report on it.  -They’ll send you a big ol’ report, and if you can be there with them they’ll do a walk through with you to talk over big issues. Your realtor should come to that as well, as they might have good questions. -After you have the information, you have to decide if there are any big issues that need to be addressed. The inspector will flag things that are a problem legally, but it’s up to you how much you care about them. Some will be easy fixes. Others might be deal breakers that mean you decide to walk away from the property entirely. Most things will be in the middle.  -Note that some things are legally “issues” but practically may not matter. There are certain outlets on the outside of my house that aren’t right, but I don’t intend to use them much and if it turns out I need to, it’s not that expensive to switch them out. My basement stairs are an absolutely death trap, but my laundry is upstairs and so i dont really need to use them much. I could spend like $4K to replace them, but I don’t care at this point, and it’s not a big issue for me. But legally they are terrible. -Some things may be an absolute problem that the seller needs to deal with before you’ll agree to by the house. -You and your realtor will come up with a list of things you want to tell the seller to fix before closing. They might fight you on some of them, and again that’s why the realtor being a good negotiator matters. -Generally, you want to ask for fixes on the important things, without asking for every little thing, so the seller doesn’t decide you’re too much trouble and they could probably back out and get a better offer that wouldn’t cost them as much in repairs. -for me, the garage door was busted so they defnitely needed to fix that. There was a pipe that was put in wrong that was a quick fix. And there were birds in the attic, so they needed to clear those out and go through and block up all the entry points in the room. All of these requests were reasonable, and the sellers agreed to them. -At this point, it’s up to you if you want to pay for a re-inspection (i.e. the inspector coming back to verify that they did all the work they were supposed to). I didn’t—instead I had them give me all the receipts from the work that was done along with photos and video of the work. That way if something is a problem in the future, I can contact the companies that did the work and take advantage of warranties, etc.

Home Service Warranty -Speaking of warranties! There’s a thing called a Home Service Warranty that you’ll need to decide on. Mine is through American Home Shield. Basically this is a warranty that covers things in your house. There are different levels of coverage, so some just cover the big things like windows/roof/furnace/water heater/etc. As you upgrade, it’ll include things like stoves, fridges, dishwashers, etc. -If you’re getting your own warranty, you basically pay a certain amount per month for the coverage. Then if any of the covered things break down, it get’s fixed for free (plus a small service charge. For me that’s $125). So if your inspector tells you “hey, you’ve got about a year left on this water heater” or “the furnace has some issues that might come up in a few years” you could save a BUNCH of money by having this coverage. -My realtor got this warranty included in my purchase agreement, so the seller is actually paying for a. year of my coverage at he upgraded level. This is SICK AS HELL and not every realtor will think of it—definitely mention it to yours. I didn’t even think of it as an option. Basically what this means is that if any of my stuff breaks this first year, I can get it replaced for very cheap AND I don’t even have to pay the monthly coverage fee. -When I moved in, my shower was broken. I tried to fix it, but the called AHS and I only paid $125 for a plumber to come look at it, order parts (which would have been pricey since my house is pretty old), and fix it for me. I hate my fridge, so I have a goal to break it this year so I can get a new one for free.

Appraisal -Okay, so you got the seller to agree to your fixes, everything is moving apace. It is time for the GOD DAMN APPRAISAL -(for many people, the appraisal is fine and is not GOD DAMN anything. For me, it was a nightmare and I didn’t sleep for like 2 weeks) -Okay so what is an appraisal. Basically, the seller said “my house is worth $XX” you said “I’ll pay $XX for it.” Your lender said “we’ll give Jay a loan for $XX.” But now someone else has to look at the house and determine if it’s a fair price for the house. This is what really determines the loan you’ll get (this is also why what you’ve gotten so far is a pre-approval. They’ve basically said “you’re capable of paying back a loan of $XX, but we need an outside agency to determine if this house is worth is”) -The appraiser will look at the house, inspection reports, and other sales of similar houses in your area. Ideally, this helps them determine if the price you and the seller have agreed on is in line with what is reasonable. -Banks are not going to give you a $400K loan on a potting shed in a ditch -It’s all complicated and this is where a lot of shit in the Housing Crisis came from -Basically, you want the appraisal to come at or higher than your purchase price. (if it comes in higher, do a little dance bc you got a deal) -If it comes in lower, you can be in trouble. That’s what happened to me. -A note about rules & regs - lenders cannot talk directly to appraisers. This is because of the housing crisis and all the shady backroom deals that were happening (i.e. if you appraise this house at this price, we’ll give you Mr. Appraiser Guy some kickbacks from the extra money we’re making in mortgage interest or whatever). In practical terms, this means it takes FOREVER to get messages to all the parties involved.  -If the appraisal comes in low, you can ask for a reappraisal. It’s up to the appraiser if they agree. There are rules about this. -What Happened To Me: OK so my house is in a historically Black and immigrant neighborhood (read, historically redlined). This means a lot of the properties here are undervalued based on other locations. In a hot market, even undervalued properties can go up in price in a big way. In a slow market, that doesn’t happen so much. My appraiser only wanted to pull comps (meaning comparable sales of similar houses in the same area) in my exact neighborhood. However, there hadn’t been any sales of similar size/age/etc houses in my exact neighborhood since last winter. Guess what the market is like in the winter in Minnesota! Fucking SLOW boy. So these comps were coming in like $20K lower than my agreed price. So my realtor and lender took a look and said “look, if we widen out a little bit to these nearby neighborhoods, we can see all these more recent sales that are closer to our price.” It took two weeks of back and forth to get the appraiser to agree to add some of these comps to the appraisal. He was really reluctant to look outside my immediate area, because my neighborhood is of “lower value” than the surrounding areas. Structural racism, baby. Not against me, but against my neighbors and everyone who’s lived in this area for the past 150 years. Hooray. Finally, I got a re-appraisal that was $8K lower than my purchase price. So I was in a pickle. I had an agreement with the seller saying I’ll pay $XX, while the bank is now saying “we’ll only give you a loan for $XX-minus-$8K.” So either I need to come up with $8K MORE of a down payment in earnest money, or I need the purchase price to go down. Or i need to find more assistance. HERE IS WHERE HAVING S MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. He went to the seller and basically used his status and significant experience to say “Look, you can either agree to lower the purchase price by $8K, or we all walk away. If we walk away, this means you have to re-list the house, wait for more offers. And then even if you get an offer as good as or better than Jay’s, that person will still need to go through the appraisal process. So...  you’ll probably be right back here. The only chance you have of skipping appraisal is if someone comes in with a cash offer, meaning they won’t need a loan and no bank is involved. But for a lot of the reasons the appraisal is low, those types of buyers (who often want rentals/vacation rental properties) ain’t looking to buy in this neighborhood.”

(or that’s what I imagine he said. It was probably smarter)

ANYWAY, all that to say a MIRACLE occurred, and the seller agreed to lower the purchase price of the house by $8K. I can tell you the whole story of how I found out over a drink sometime, but let me tell you I wepttttttt

-Anyhow, once the appraisal is good and you’re pretty sure the deal is going through, you gotta get insurance. call a bunch of places, figure out what coverage you need, see if it’s cheaper or easier to put car/life/etc in the same place. You have to have insurance if you have a home loan - basically the bank owns the house, so it’s in their interest to have it covered in case of disaster.

Closing

-I’m going to be quick on this, because it’s super technical and I only kind of understand it. -Closing is basically the day where you sign all the paperwork, after which the house is yours! Then you can start moving, renovating, decorating, whatever you want. -One of the things that’s part of closing is the Title and Title Insurance. Basically, you need to pay to have the paper that says you own the house, and then you have to pay for insurance on that piece of paper. Why. IDK.  -At this point there’s so many random fees and charges, I just kind of looked at the totals and made sure nothing was way out of range of what I expected.  -A few days before closing, you should have the following: 1. receipts/evidence from any fixes made to the house or a re-inspection report 2. Closing disclosures, which basically means any information that’s attatched to the deed for the home. This can include unpaid property taxes, any weird liens on the property, any easement agreements with neighbors you should know about, etc. 3. All the paperwork you will sign! -It is in your best interest to read ALL OF IT if you can. (the title person was surprised I’d read mine, which I found super worrying lol) -If you are buying a house by yourself, you will not BELIEVE how many times you will read “Jay, A SINGLE PERSON, is buying a house ALONE AND BY THEMSELF, as a SINGLE UNMARRIED ALONE PERSON” Very judgy. What are you, my grandma? -One thing about disclosures—it’s up to your title company to do research on weird shit that might be attached to your property. You can technically choose your title company, but I wouldn’t not recommend looking for the cheapest option if the company doesn’t have much of a track record. I had an issue come up with a payment the seller owed that was delayed, and my title company had to be the one that caught that. My friend and his husband got in trouble because some seller 5 years ago didn’t pay property taxes, and so the IRS came for THEM. The title company should have caught that before they closed and had it dealt with. They won’t end up paying it, but it’s a huge pain and they have to argue with the IRS which is never fun. -On closing day, you’ll do a final walk through with your realtor. This is your last chance to bring up any issues! You DEFINITELY want to do this walk through. If the seller left the door unlocked and an entire family has taken up residence in the living room, you need to know! If the contractor they hired to fix the plumbing knocked a new whole in the wall, you need to know! Don’t expect that the seller will tell you about any new issues that they caused. -This is your last chance to say “Hey, there’s a new major issue that wasn’t reporting, i ain’t signing shit until we re-negotiate” -If you find yourself in this situation (hopefully you won’t!) PLEASE don’t be afraid to say something! Don’t worry about how much time and money has already been put into it, or about calling out a seller who is acting in bad faith or fucked somethign up. This is your house! It matters! And your realtor should have your back. -But most of the time, the final walk through is fine! Then you go somewhere to sign all the paperwork. If you’re like me and have 3 different types of DPA, it will be two giant folders worth of paperwork.  -Once you sign the paperwork with the Title Company, they’ll put the paperwork through. After that happens, the bank should transfer the whole ass agreed amount to the seller. Also, if your DPA is in the form of other smaller loans from other sources, those should be paying to the seller at the same time. -in MY case, one of my DPAs took 3 hours to process for some reason, so I had the most anti-climactic closing ever. I signed everything, waited for an hour and a half, and then they were like “you can go, we’ll email you when you officially own the house” So I just awkwardly hung around and ate pancakes until I got the email. -Let’s say you have a relative who wants to help you out with your downpayment (Yay! Every little bit counts!) Or let’s say you’re living with someone who doesn’t want the house to be in their name, but they want to contribute to these initial costs. You’ll want to talk to your lender about this as soon as you know about it. There is special paperwork for “gifts” that basically let’s it go directly to you downpayment but it doesn’t count towards your income. So if Grandma Bob says “I got $10K for you” and you just deposit the check in your account and plan to pay $10K more in earnest money, that will suddenly look like you have $10K more money to your name, so might change how your loan and DPA shake out. But if you get Grandma Bob to sign a particular document and give you a certified check, you can just give that right to the Title person and it goes right to making your downpayment bigger, therefore making your loan smaller! Thanks Grandma Bob! -”Cash to close” is essentially what you are paying at closing via all sources. So that’s your downpayment (including all assistance) any gifts, your earnest money, etc. Sometimes you have additional closing costs. They may be covered by DPA, or you may be on the hook to write an additional check. You’ll know this in advance. -Hey, check it out, you own a house now! -(keep all your paperwork0 -They’ll give you a document you have the file with the city called Homestead filing, basically telling the city that you own a house and you live there.

NOW WHAT?

-Now I’m done telling you things. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more, but also talk to professionals in your region who know things. -I started writing this post before I closed in July 2023. It’s now mid-November, and I’ve been living here for 3 months. Here’s some stuff I’ve learned that might be helpful: 1. It’s good to know what kid of walls you have (drywall vs. plaster and lathe, etc) because that determines how you can hang things on them. Also if you have plaster walls, just get a cheap magnetic stud finder. The fancy electronic ones often don’t work 2. It’s good to have a drill. It just is. 3. If there’s a big project you need done (say your garage is too short for your goddamn car), you may qualify for a home improvement loan from the same kind of orgs that give DPA. I’m doing it just because I don’t want to drop $3K in one go. Technically I have 4 years to pay it off, but I’m going to make larger monthly payments and pay it offer quicker than that.  4. We can talk about contractors and permit and zoning all day. Suffice to say, it’s good to look up who to talk to at the city about construction permits, and they can be both incredibly confusing and very nice. Often at the same time. 5. If you’re gonna have a roommate or partner or non-child family member who is paying you monthly to help with the mortgage, DRAW UP A LEASE. You want shit in writing, and they have rights as tenants that need to be respected. Many a relationship has been saved by PUTTING SHIT IN WRITING. (there are templates you can find) 6. FEELINGS: People always tell you “You won’t know how you feel about X until you do it.” Getting a dog, moving away from your folks, living with a partner, whatever. I am here as an old man to tell you, they are right. I had no idea I would have such BIG FEELINGS about this lil old house. When I come home and my roommate has the lights on and it has a glow, I feel so much that sometimes I cry! Setting things up, making decisions about organization, learning how to be in my space, means so so much more to me now than it ever did when I was renting. The stress is greater, too, because I have to make all the decisions! It’s exhausting! But every day in my house I am so happy to be here, I’m so glad my other offers weren’t accepted, because this is the best of the houses I looked at. It is my 117 year old baby and I love it forever.

Also I never want to do this again lol I’ve decided to die here.