#Fics I will never write

[obiwanobi]

hc that at the beginning of the war, clones became used to Anakin's informality and it became common to have silly conversations after a long day with him, like "would you fight a hungry rancor once or ten angry loth-cats every day for a month" and it's always fun because Skywalker has crazy explanations for his choice, until the day he says "you're all wrong, let me ask Obi-Wan, he will agree with me"

And all the clones panic because General Kenobi is so serious and stern and important, they can't just ask him some stupid question!

But Skywalker has already dragged him over and asked him before the troopers could stop him, and of course Kenobi is frowning now, they will be all scolded for this, probably forced to clean the freshers this week for wasting his time like that, and—

"That is absurd, Anakin. I can't answer before knowing if it's possible to reason with the loth-cats."

The clones blink in unison.

"What do you mean, reason with them? They're loth-cats Obi-Wan! They're animals!"

"Yes, but if they're angry for a month, then there must be a reason. Thus—"

"No, no, don't thus me, there is no negotiation to help you there, it wasn't part of the question—"

"Then the question was not asked correctly! For example, what about the rancor's size? What about its weight? What if it's blind? I'm sure the troopers will agree that we need more information before expressing our opinion."

The noise of frustration General Skywalker makes is only the prelude to a 25-minute-long argument about providing details and sources, two deep dives into zoological reports on rancors' diet and at least three side debates about preferring dogs to loth-cats which turned into a slideshow of the cutest loth-cats on the holonet.

Needless to say, the clones are delighted and never forget to ask General Kenobi for his opinion on pretty much anything after that.

[colorsunlikeanythingseen]

If I ever write a no powers au it is going to be a who dunnit about Zeus’s death because literally everyone has a motive and now since everyone is mortal everyone has the means to murder him.

Murder suspects

Athena- Believes that Zeus is running the company inefficiently and if he just listened to her everything would be fixed. Once tried to take over the Olympian Holdings. Her alibi is completely air tight like she knew this would happen…

Hades- Zeus once tried to harm his lover. Rival business owners.

Posideon- Extreme brotherly rivalry and also rival business owner.

Apollo- Recently disowned son who has taken his disowning suspiciously well… has the medical know how to pull off some interesting stuff. Second most likely to be framed.

Hera- We all know her motive. And you know what she deserves to kill him at this point

Luke- trying to destroy Olympian Holdings for its shady business practices and has his own complicated ties to the Olympian family.

Ares- Recently written out of the will for doing something stupid. Has a gun at all times. Most likely to be framed.

Hermes- Zeus’s aid for a ridiculous amount of time with no career advancement. Has info on the other suspects that he is very willing to share. Has recently been in hot water with Zeus over the actions of his son Luke.

Thalia and Jason Grace- Zeus’s bastard children who are set to inherit a lot of his money.

I have no idea who the detective would be since there isn’t an unbiased demigod with the intelligence to deal with this mess. Tempted to have the detectives be Percy and Annabeth. Will Solace would also make a great medical consultant.

Who do you think would do it?

[jmgangel]

Cedar starts avoiding Cerise. Cerise is worried she did something wrong but Cedar just realized she had a crush on Cerise and doesn’t want to accidentally be prompted to tell her.

[strayheartless]

I’ve got this really dumb scene from a fic I have no plot to stuck in my head…

General setting is zakkura Collage AU, Angeal is Zacks older brother who is dating Genesis. Zack calls him after forgetting he exists for like a month because he’s gay panicking:

Zack: I’m having a gay panic!

Angeal, pointedly: “hello brother-I-have-not-called-in-a-month, how are you. How’s your life been? Sorry I forgot you existed again.” Oh it’s fine Zack, I’ve been god how are you?

Zack:…. Hello Angeal.

Angeal: hello Zack.

Zack: how are you?

Angeal: I’m good, thank you Zack.

Zack: good good…. How’s the husband?

Angeal: Genesis is good, thank you for asking.

Zack: good, that’s err…. Good. Can I go back to gay panicking now?

Angeal, sighing: go ahead, it’s not like I’m at work or anything.

Zack: OKAY SO-

Will I do anything with this? No probably not. Did I need it out of my head? Yes, yes I did.

[silviakundera]

Kinnporsche fic I won't write:

the one where we can flesh out the ep 3-5 timeline, as Kinn's escorts all start getting a crush on Porsche, who is hot and sweet.

After Big outs Kinn and Porsche tells him off, he gets a little protective

does that asshole fuck with you? Decides he will take home all of Kinn's boys and Show An Interest.

He asks about their job and let's them pick the music and stops for street food & beers on the way driving them home, gossiping about shitty, entitled customers and why there isn't more of a retail to serial killer pipeline. It's not unlike a really charming first date, which is why they start shooting their shot. and, well, he's been so lonely & is used to getting laid on the job. They're pretty and friendly and smell like sex.

soon Porsche is making out with each escort at drop-off while the car idles at the curb. Just soft, slow kisses as he rubs his thumb behind the guy's ear, making him shiver into it. Everyone's Favorite Bartender Porsche walks each one to the door every time and ruffles their hair goodbye, and he's just SO. MUCH.

a repeat buisness escort starts gossiping w Kinn one night about Porsche's everything "did u know what he did THEN???? and that chain around this neck..., his skin there is SO SOFT. FUCK."

Kinn is like laughing mad about it for about 10 seconds but then just incredibly relieved that finally he can vent about his crush and they break out the good shit, getting increasingly hammered on top shelf whiskey and sharing the equivalent of thirst posts about Porsche's laugh, tits, waist, ass, and attractively terrible winking that would make kpop stans proud.

(the only escort who's ever stayed the night)

(because he was passed out on the floor, head under an end table and cuddling a jumbo bag of shrimp-flavored chips)

but then after The Auction Incident, Porsche takes home the flavor of the day and the boy is like CONCERNED. what is wrong w Porsche?? who broke him?! Bangkok sex worker phone tree engaged.

Kinm gets petulant looks behind his back, lazy handies, and passive aggressively awful blowjobs. It's not just that Kinn is pining, he's getting objectively bad service and is too distracted to notice.

instead of Kinn following advice from Pete on how to stop screwing up with Porsche he finally just breaks and asks his escort in THE MOST AWKWARD moment. They're like mid-fuck and Kinn just pulls back, still breathing hard and resting his weight on his hands. ahh! stop. I gotta ask you something. ... You've made out with Porsche, right? Sober? "... yes?" Explain how u made that happen. In detail.

kinn takes actual! notes! he's gonna get his man. and so he never visits Porsche on his break but when Porsche comes back to the compound Kinn is downstairs in like 5 min flat, he's RUSHING. It's super embarrassing, because he's obviously excited-anxious and a lil flustered and Big very much wants to die. (no, Big! in this more sexy universe u LIVE) (anyway) Kinn strolls up with serious buisness face and Porsche immediately gets defensive but then, like, confused. because Kinn wants him to drive them around to run?? errands?? all day??

and Kinn keeps trying to make small talk? and ask about what being a mafia bodyguard is actually like and which super nutritious meal disgusts you the most. Kinn is trying so hard to be chill and relateable and not a weirdo rich crime lord. It's totally not working at all, except Porsche is reluctantly charmed by how bad Kinn's taste in music is and how confidently he says ridiculous things and how he smiles to himself out the window when he thinks Porsche isn't looking.

he has them stop to get food and then cheap beers. puts a hand on Porsche's thigh and looks very expectant.

it clicks for Porsche, OMG. he is actually running the post-job make-outs playbook. starts laughing in Kinn's face, naturally, but then the patented awwww noooo come 'ere and coaxing Kinn's stern face to tilt back to him and accepting a sharp, petulant kiss that Porsche breaks off from to laugh more. ❤

[user-needs-new-hyperfixation]

Crack-flavoured AU concept:

There's a third Holmes sibling (at this point basically a trope in and of itself).

Third Sibling is the Middle Child (just makes sense to put another kid in that seven year gap)

Third Sibling naturally must be a foil for Louis, but because the Lord of Crime thing is already wrapped up, they instead are an antagonist for MI6 (this time, a Holmes gets to be the """"bad guy"""")

Mycroft and Sherlock are just kind of like "yes we're aware of Sibling doing [sketchy but well-intentioned thing] but it's never been enough of a problem for us to get involved before."

Louis and Third Holmes like each other just as quickly and easily as Mycal or Sherliam did but in an entirely platonic way that largely consists of them breaking off midway through heated ethical debate showdowns to turn as one and relentlessly roast an interloping third party. They're basically those two old muppets.

[self-spaghettification]

consider: while traveling to starscraper or whatever it’s called, rayla falls sick from cold, rayllum cuddles, not enough blankets, take blanket OFF pearl, aaravos can reach callum’s mind, he appears when callum is afraid about rayla dying (she is very sick) tells him he can fix everything…… callum follows his guidance for a week to save rayla, callum, despite his desperation and curiosity, about magic and motives, has to be careful to not fall victim to sympathizing with aaravos too much or to manipulation, to no avail. he has to release him. he thinks he has a way out- the sword, so it’s ok - but it doesn’t actually work. uh oh spaghetti oh!

[leverage-ot3]

WAIT LEVERAGE WHITE COLLAR AU BUT ITS NATE AND SOPHIE MESSING WITH (flirting with) STERLING AS HE TRIES TO HUNT THEM DOWN

(this was inspired by my other leverage white collar au post)

[foxqueen-katarian]

The thing I love most about your idea where Caleb and Essek are collectively the Luxon is the same thing I love most about your "Essek meets the Luxon and its a pre-teen god-baby who adores him", which is that Leylas Kryn is going to absolutely lose her fucking shit over the idea that she is completely wrong about what the Luxon is and what it wants, and she has been wrong about it for the past 1200 years. Chef kiss.

Look, she got directions once like nine lifetimes ago, some things got lost in translation.

But yeah, Leylas praying to the Luxon for the first time post Essek&Caleb achieving Godhood, and nobody having a good time.

Essek freaking out, can you be a heretic if you are the God in question? Can he pardon his own mortal crimes?

Caleb trying to calm Essek down and only marginally succeeding while also trying to run interference with Leylas because how do you explain to someone that their God is actually two socially anxious Wizards in a fashionable trench coat.

Leylas sitting in Rosohna just fuming because Dietre is never going to let anyone live down the fact that She’s the Luxon’s Mother, and what that means from a political standpoint in the Dynasty.

[zee-has-commitment-issues]

It's time for another fic I thought about, but will never write, so instead I'm putting it into the universe:

The gang goes to a lake house or something over the summer and Felice, Maddie and Simon are tanning while everyone else is like messing around. Wilhelm gets pushed into the water, has to take his shirt off.

Madison, in all her glory, says something like "look at him!"

And Simon, in all his glory, responds, "oh I'm looking."

That has been my 3am fic that I will never write. Everyone have fun knowing this exists in my brain but will never make it to page.

[stxrdust-widow]

Been thinking about a rizzles/ b&b regency-esque AU type thing wherein Bones and Maura are bffs and meet Booth and Jane (maybe siblings in this AU???) and subsequently fall in love with their respective counterparts.

Only problem is I already have like 20 fics swimming around in my head, plus a couple I’ve actually planned out and just need to write. Alas. Might just draw a few scenes instead.

[obiwanobi]

Just saw gifs of Hayden training for rots and he looks so young in it.

Sooooo do you think that at one point during the clone wars Obi-Wan looked at Anakin doing something silly or the light hitting his face in a particular way and suddenly he saw the 9-year-old boy he took as a padawan, like "…oh Force that’s a child. I know he’s legally an adult and we knighted him, but this is the face of a boy. Look at those cheeks. He should be taking a nap right now. Why is this literal baby on a battlefield. I’m going to make him some soup right now"

[colorsunlikeanythingseen]

The thing about Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian is that if they completely swapped lives almost nothing about their character would change. Jin Guangyao would still be a ruthless people pleasing politician and Wei Wuxian would still attempt the impossible. It's the world around them that would change.

This idea is forms the base of a fic I want to someday write.

The fist change is JGY's introduction to Lotus Pier. Since like WWX he was raised on the streets JGY has a deathly fear of dogs. Unlike WWX he is a good actor and unwilling to do anything that rocks the boat with the Jiang family so he (rather poorly) pretends that his fear isn't that bad. This means that the dogs aren't leaving. Which is really really bad for JGY so he had to get rid of the source of his fear. First he tries and fails to convince JC to not bring the dogs near him. Clearly there is only one option left to him. Killing those puppies. So yeah JGY poisons those dogs.

When considering JGY's relationship with the Jiang family we must remember that this is the man that killed Jin Guangshan and his martial brother Nie Mingjie. He is absolutely ruthless when it comes to revenge and is willing to go to any length to acquire political power. In short within a day of meeting Madam Yu he is already contemplating how to kill her. Within a week he loathes Jiang Cheng. In a month he is plotting how to take over Lotus Pier.

Luckily for everyone he understands that it is going to take a lot of time to pull this off and is willing to bide his time. His first objective is to become the first disciple and gain all of Lotus Pier's respect. He is not going to become 'like family' to the Jiangs.

-------

Meanwhile WWX is having a far better childhood. His mom is alive and loves him so much. Meng Shi deeply cares for her child's education teaching him how to play the guqin, reading and writing, chess, essentially everything she knows and giving him what cultivational manuals she can find. WWX soaks this all up like a sponge.

He is still from Yiling. I can't change this.

Timeskip!

JGY is headed to the Cloud Recesses and he is going to make so many allies and friends. He can't take over Lotus Pier without some type of outside backing afterall. In the years since coming to Lotus Pier JGY has not gotten closer to JC. If anything their relationship had gotten even worse. Unlike WWX JGY is actively trying to outdo and be better than JC especially in front of Jiang Fengmian. They have a very unfriendly rivalry.

Upon arriving JGY asks Lan Xicheng for some music lesson and if he has any advice for musical cultivation. They quickly become friends. LXC introduces JGY to his friend Nie Mingjue. Nie Mingjue takes a bit longer to warm up to JGY but not much. Eventually even confiding in JGY about his worries on how his older brother Nie Huaisang is leading the clan.

JC meanwhile has made no friends, punched the heir of the Jin Clan in the face, and got sent home in disgrace. Everything is going great for JGY.

------

Meanwhile WWX is struggling to figure out cultivation. By talking to rouge cultivators, and consulting unreliable cultivation manuals, WWX has made some progress but he just cannot create a golden core. He just does not have enough information, guidance, or time to focus on it.

Making talismans hasn't gone much better. There just isn't enough information on the process. The talismans he creates are unreliable at best, though he did stumble on how to create a spirit attraction flag.

While he hasn't made much progress on musical cultivation he is an excellent musician and has made money doing that.

His efforts to cultivate have resulted in WWX being able to sense spiritual and resentful energy, mastery of archery, and a somewhat faulty spiritual attraction talisman.

When he hears about fierce corpses ravaging someone's farm he heads over there hoping that he could help a little. He gets a lot more than he bargained for and ends up in a tree with fierce corpses surrounding him. Trying to keep himself awake until morning he starts playing his dizi. Somehow music is effecting the resentful energy of the fierce corpses. After a lot of experimentation and a solid two days in that tree he manages to control the fierce corpses. Which seems useful.

It's weird that not one of the rouge cultivators one mentioned this method of musical cultivation. Not knowing or caring that what he is doing is impossible WWX starts picking up some minor cultivational odd jobs.

Things are looking up.

Archery Contest Time

Neither JC or JGY stop to help Wen Ning at archery. An innocuous action that will have no consequences.

For the first time JGY meets Lan Wangji, Lan XiChing's older and talented brother. He spend a lot of time Nighthunting in remote areas helping out with any spirit no matter how minor or dangerous, because of this he is greatly respected but it is unclear if he will become Sect leader.

------

Meanwhile WWX is improving rapidly when it comes to demonic cultivation. He is gaining more and more respect in Yiling and his tailsmans are becoming more and more reliable.

Unfortunately, his Mom is not well. She has coughing spells, getting dizzy, is losing her appetite, and is just keeps getting worse.

He meet and helps out Wen Ning with his archery. Apperently the Wen Clan is setting up a supervisory office in Yiling and his sister is in charge of it. The two of them quickly become friends.

Wen Ning after hearing about Meng Shi's illness brings her to his sister. Not only does she immediately diagnoses the issue Wen Qing gives them the medicine for free as it they wouldn't afford it otherwise. Another action that will have no consequences later.

Xuanwu of the Slaughter

JGY is not getting involved with this shit. The Wen Clan only needs the heir and he is not putting his life on the line for JC. While Jiang Chang is gone he is going to try and convince Jiang Fengming to start preparing for the inevitable Wen invasion. They aren't going to stop with the Cloud Recesses.

While they don't manage to kill it Nie Mingjue and Lan XiChang manage to successfully survive the death turtle.

------

Meanwhile Lan Zhan has sucessfully escaped with the clan's scrolls. He is nearly cornered but Wei Wuxian helps him escape. As Lan Zhan is injured he must temporarily hide out with WWX.

Dispite all the horrible things that lead up to this Lan Zhan finds himself almost enjoying this. It's just really nice to talk to Wei Ying. He is smart, funny, kind, good with kids, and really hot.

Lan Zhan teaches WWX the last steps to forming a golden core, and allows him to read the scrolls from cloud recesses. WWX asks so many questions that LWJ has never even considered and somehow managed to control resentful energy. They play duets together.

This is perhaps the worst possible time to get a crush but somehow Lan Zhan does.

Eventually he has to leave. LWJ has to go defend his clan and his brother. With hesitancy he asks WWX to join him. WWX refuses as his Mom isn't fully cured, he owes Wen Ning and Wen Qing, and doesn't have a clan he needs to fight for.

Lan Zhan knew that would likely be his answers and decides to leave the scrolls in WWX's possession where he knows they will be safe. Strangely the strongest reason that WWX is so happy about this is that this mean that Lan Zhan will definitely return to him.

This is the worst time for WWX to ever get a crush.

Jiang Clan invasion

The Wen Clan makes up a different reason to invade.

JGY being the scheming bastard that he is makes a deal with the Wen. The lives of Jiang Fengming and Madam Yu and Lotus Pier for the lives of the disciples, their swords and supplies.

Somehow in the chaos Jiang Cheng loses his core. JGY for sure had nothing to do with this. He also had nothing to do with Jiang Cheng getting maul to death by dogs. After JGY is deathly afraid of dogs and had multiple alibis.

No one suspects anything. JGY get away with murder and is now in charge of the remnants of Lotus Pier. He achieved his dream but he can't celebrated until they win the war against the Wen.

The Sunshot Campaign

Losses are really really heavy without WWX'x corpse army and the war takes far longer. It only ends after Wen Rouhan is assassinated by Nie Huaisang.

--------

Meanwhile WWX is swamped with work, studying, and inventing.

He finally has a reliable source of information of cultivation and that is doing wonders for WWX inventions and progress. Most of his time is spent night hunting since the sects are too busy killing each other to nighthunt. He gain some renown for this even outside of Yiling.

He is dearly missing Lan Zhan and writes some terrible poetry about it.

Mount BaiFeng Nighthunt

Lan Zhan has not managed to talk much with Wei Wuxian after the war. The met up to take back the scrolls and have been writing letters to each other. But the rebuilding of cloud recesses has taken up much of Lan Zhan's time, so this is the first time that they will be night hunting together.

Lan Zhan is far too nervous about this. He has been on many nighthunts and Wei Ying is now a respected rouge cultivator.

Wei Ying shows up a day early and spends all of that time with Lan Zhang. He is very confident about the night hunt to come and has developed a few new inventions for it.

When the day of the nighthunt comes Wei Ying destroys 80% of the prey of BaiFeng Mountain.

People accuse him of cheating, but Lan Zhan defends him as well as the new leader of the Jiang Sect, JGY. JGY does this out of pure pragmatism immediately noticing the value of WWX's inventions.

WWX gains renown as a cultivator and inventor, sells all of his available talismans and compasses, and gets an offer to join the Jiang Sect (he refuses it). Soon the all the Sects start to rely on his inventions.

The Wen Remnants

Wen Qing asks WWX for help finding her brother.

They do. Things get violent. WWX leaves with 50+ refugees. All per usual.

The main difference is this. The Sects lost almost all of their man power in the war. It would be nearly impossible to maintain their duties without WWX inventions to make up the differences, so no one not even the Jin clan want to make him an enemy for purely economic reasons.

Eventually JGY negotiates a deal. The Wen clan will remain with WWX in return WWX will need to double his supply of compasses and spirit attraction flags to the Sects. This will be easy to do since the Wen remnants will aide him in this task.

And so WWX lives happily ever after with the remnants and his eventual husband Lan Zhan.

JGY also lives happily and no one ever discovers that he killed all of the Jiang family (except Yanil) let alone takes revenge for their deaths.

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

labyrinth au where armand is the goblin king, and somehow lestat wished away louis and has to solve his maze to find him and get him back or louis stays there forever. daniel is one of the people that help him on his quest. then more stuff happens and eventually they all bang.

[groenendaelfic]

Drabble: In which the system being wrong is useful for a change and Simon hates it.

"I am the King," Wilhelm says, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

"So you’re saying you’ll up and run and let us fend for ourselves then?" Rosh asks, anything but amused.

"You get that you'll never have to worry about paying rent or putting food on the table, don’t you? You’ll survive a scandal like this. Unlike us, the lowborn trash you're too ashamed to stick up for."

"No," Wilhelm says, a plan slowly beginning to take shape in his mind. "What I’m saying is that unlike you I have absolute immunity from criminal charges. My father being regent doesn’t change that."

[crit-failed-charisma-checks]

I have wanted to write a Tokyo Babylon/X1999 and Yami no Matsuei epic length crossover where everyone from TB/X becomes a shinigami when they die since I was in high school. The genre has changed a lot since then (humor/romance to angst), but the idea remains. I am a terrible writer, though, and both fandoms are kinda dead.

What's the fic you would write if you had the energy for it? Ambitious, complex, novel-length—the fanfic you'd make if you could.