#Feel free to chat with me about these! I haven't spoken about all of them here.

[familyvideostevie]

🐚 SEASHELL: “Can we pretend that we’re good? Just for the night til the morning, I’d take it back if I could, but I’ll never find another you.” With James Potter please and thanks.

omg! you sure can! i was feeling a bit angst in this one, maybe james sticking his foot in his mouth and not realizing it. so here's him doing just that! (it ends nice though, obviously)

--

It's like the entire pub goes quiet when you hear it. James is maybe three paces in front of you, speaking to some girls you think you know. You can't see his face but you bet he's smiling, being kind and handsome and flirty like he always is. You plan to slide under his arm and exhibit a tiny bit of possessiveness as you give him his drink but then you hear one of the girls ask about you.

"Are you two, like, together?"

James shrugs. "Why, are you about to ask me to dinner, Vance?"

In that instant, one of the girls spots you behind James and her eyes go wide. You turn before she can say anything and retreat through the crowd and out the front door, two drinks in hand. The smokers who are chatting seem to see that you're in crisis mode and surrender a bit of the standing room to you.

Frankly, you're embarrassed to be so upset. You and James are not officially together. Some dates, kisses, nights spent together don't amount to exclusivity if you haven't spoken about it. But you know that the boys refer to you as his better half and he calls you on days he doesn't see you and you thought maybe it was going in that direction.

But while James is kind and sweet and lovely, he is also a bit vain and has quite the ego sometimes and he likes to flirt. You know all of this but your chest is aching, even so.

Someone calls your name and then James is in front of you. His face is a mix of emotions you've not seen before on him -- flustered and concerned. "I'm sorry," he says, though you're not sure he knows what he's apologizing for.

"I got you a drink," you say, a bit morosely. A breeze sweeps down the street and you shiver. James whips off his jacket and drapes it around your shoulders.

He deems the drinks irrelevant, taking them from you and putting them on the ledge of the pub. "I'm sorry," he says again. "The girls in there told me I needed to fix what I did, so here I am."

He rubs his hands up and down your arms, brow furrowed. He really does seem stressed. "I don't know what you're apologizing for," you say quietly. "No need."

"There is," he says, frowning. "I was being daft. I should have said we're together, because we are. No need to joke about it."

"Are we?" you say, hating how small you sound. James huffs.

"I guess we haven't put a label on it, have we?" You shake your head. "Well, no time like the present. We've been together for weeks in my head, honestly," he confesses. "I mean, I've been having dreams about you for months. Remus says I say your name in my sleep when I'm napping on his couch."

"James," you admonish, face heating. "I feel silly," you tell him.

"What, you don't want to be together? Now is the time to tell me, darling." You look at him and he looks less worried now, though his eyes flash behind his lenses.

"No, I do," you say, and he grins. "I just feel silly for being upset."

James tugs you in for a hug. You smush your face into his shoulder and feel his chest vibrate as he laughs. "It's kind of hot," he says in your ear. "Being possessive. Feel free to do it anytime."

You smack his chest with your palm. "You're impossible."

"But I'm your impossible!"

"That doesn't even make sense, James." He puts your hand on his elbow before he grabs your drinks and heads for the door to go back inside, flashing you a grin and a wink.

"Now I get to tell the whole pub we're together," he says. "And you get to take credit for all the dumb shit I say."

join the celebration!

[hjparisian]

bad idea right?- harry j potter x reader

p: ex! harry j potter x fem!reader w: modern au (phones exist at hogwarts dont question how), everyone is friends, small mentions of drinking and smoking, slight sexual implications (no smut) summary: (y/n) and harry have been broken up for a while now. while at a party (y/n) gets a message from harry asking her to come over. its a bad idea, right? a/n: based on the song by olivia rodrigo, which has been living in my head rent free and brought my first idea in weeks. currently trying to get through a few requests and ylm part II and seeing what'll happen from there. also im on pinterest and tik tok so come find me (has nothing posted on either lol)

There was nothing like a good old party after the Quidditch games. This game was between Hufflepuff and Slytherin, the latter being victorious, which meant the Slytherins would be hosting the party. All the houses were invited.

(Y/N) sat on the couch with Hermione, Pansy, Daphne, and Cho, a drink in her hand. She had tuned out what the girls were chatting about, observing the surroundings of the party. From the people dancing, couples making out, people taking shots and smoking, and Ron doing a keg stand with Blaise and Theo, Draco laughing at them from the side.

(Y/N)'s thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of her phone, which had also caught the attention of her friends. She picked it up to see who it was. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately to her, it was her ex-boyfriend. Harry.

5 missed calls

hey

feeling a bit bored rn

no ones at the dorm right now

come over?

"Who is it?" Cho asked.

"Oh erm, no one important," (Y/N) said.

"Well your phone was buzzing for a good minute until you finally picked up so it has to be someone important," Daphne chimed.

"Really it's no one," (Y/N) tried telling them.

At that moment, Pansy took (Y/N)'s phone out her hand and looked at it.

"Yeah no one important, unless it's your ex Harry fucking Potter wanting to see you tonight!" Pansy said. The girls gasped.

"Harry?" Hermione asked. "Harry's texting you? But you guys haven't spoken in a couple of months."

"Yeah, I know," (Y/N) said.

"How come Harry isn't here anyways? Doesn't he usually go to parties with Ron?" Daphne asked.

"Said he didn't feel like it," Hermione told her.

"Well, are you gonna do it?" asked Pansy.

"Do what?" (Y/N) asked.

"You know, see him?"

Cho chimed in. "Oh (Y/N), I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Yeah, that would be a bad idea, he is your ex after all," said Daphne.

"I never said whether I was going to or not!" (Y/N) exclaimed. "And if I were why would it matter? I know he's my ex but can't two people reconnect?"

"Well, they could," Hermione started saying. "But a lot of the times it doesn't work out."

"Besides," Pansy starts. "There's a bunch of other men out there waiting to have a chance with you. Men hotter than Potter."

(Y/N) didn't know whether to agree or disagree with Pansy. Well sure, there's other men out that there that could be more attractive than Harry, but there's just something about him that draws her to him.

"Okay, okay! I only see Harry as a friend anyways. Also we're at a Slytherin party right now and I'd much rather be getting drunk with you guys than continue this." (Y/N) told them.

Her words rang in her head as she took a shot that Pansy brought her. Does she really only see Harry as a friend? Or is that a lie?

The temptation to see Harry was only getting stronger with each drink she took. It wouldn't be a horrible idea to visit Harry right? They probably wouldn't do anything anyways so what's the harm?

While the girls weren't paying attention, she texted Harry back, telling him she would be over in a little bit. It didn't take long for Harry to get back to her.

cool, see you soon then

(Y/N) waited until the girls were done with another round of drinks, hoping to be unsuspecting with her need to leave.

"I think I'm going to head to bed, I'm feeling a little bit tired," she said.

"Already?" Pansy asked. "Come on we're having fun!"

"Pansy, leave the girl be. It is starting to get a little late anyways," Daphne said to her fellow Slytherin.

"Do you want me to walk you to your dorm?" Hermione asked her, being one of the more sober people of the group.

"No! No I'll be alright. I'll see you guys tomorrow though alright?" (Y/N) said as she wave goodbye to her friends.

Once she exited the Slytherin common room, she quietly made her way towards the Gryffindor common room. Curse Harry for being a Gryffindor and making her walk so far, but it'll be worth it, at least that's what she's thinking.

(Y/N) finally made it to the entrance of the common room without any setbacks. The Fat Lady had woken up from the sound of her footsteps.

"Password?"

"Quid Agis," (Y/N) said, having remembered the password from when she visited Hermione earlier in the week.

The portrait opened and (Y/N) walked in. The common room was empty, most likely due to the party as well as it being late in the night. She made her way to Harry's dorm, memorized where it was due to the countless times she's gone over.

The girl knocked on the door before going to grab the door knob, but the door had opened before she could. In front of her stood her ex-boyfriend in sweats and a black shirt, contrasting her party dress she wore tonight.

"Hey," Harry said to (Y/N) when she walked in, closing the door behind her.

"Hi," (Y/N) shyly said. It was a bit awkward being in Harry's dorm, considering the last time she was there was a few months ago, before their break up.

Harry guided (Y/N) to his bed, the two sitting at the edge. She could feel Harry's eyes taking her in. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't doing the same just before.

"So you came from the party I assume?" Harry asked.

(Y/N) nodded.

"How was it?"

"Good. You know how Slytherin parties are." The girl said. "Exciting. A lot of drinks."

"Do your friends know you're here?" Harry asks her.

"No." (Y/N) felt a hand touching her thigh.

"Where do they think you're at?" Harry asks her. "They think I'm in bed right now." She said. But she never specified whose bed.

A faint hum of acknowledgement came from Harry as he began rubbing her thigh, his hand slowly getting higher and higher.

"You know, I've missed you a lot (Y/N)."

(Y/N) could feel her heart racing at Harry's sudden confession. "Really? I've sorta missed you too." She didn't know if it was the alcohol talking that made her say that or what, but something made her want to see where this was going.

A small smirk appeared on Harry's face before he brought the girl to his lap. His eyes flickered from her eyes to her lips.

"How about I show you how much I've missed you?"

This definitely was not going to be a bad idea, right?

[thefrogdalorian]

Hello! 

You may (or may not... I don't like to presume) have noticed my little break from posting. I just wanted to share something in case anyone was worried about me and assure you there is no need to be :) 

There isn't really one reason for why I've been on hiatus, but I guess a collection of things. 

I was really poorly with covid but thankfully I'm feeling a lot better now! But being so sick and stuck in I guess made me reevaluate certain things. 

Since recovering I got to see a lot of people I really adore with my whole heart, as well as being lucky enough to experience so many things I love with them.

And it made me realise what truly makes me happy in life. I suppose it really put things into perspective for me. I'm thinking more and more that tumblr (and being online generally) is something which unfortunately does not spark joy any longer. 

To be honest, (as I'm sure many people who were given far too much unsupervised access to the internet at a young age also do), I have a complicated relationship with social media. It doesn't make me feel good most of the time. I don't know how to handle some of the things I read and some of the things people have said to me. And just like I do irl, if the vibes feel off, I usually retreat into my shell to regroup. 

While I have made so many friends over the years of being chronically online and spoken to plenty of great people, I can feel myself getting drained again. And I really haven't missed it during the time I've been away.

I've filled my time with a lot of reading (I read Pride and Prejudice THREE times... doing amazingly), some writing and lots of long walks in nature. It's been really good for me!

As a result, right now, I just don't feel like continuing to post on this blog.

This decision wasn't caused by anyone or anything in particular. But when I've made my mind up about something, it's pretty impossible to change it. I've been mulling it over for a few days and my heart is telling me to go.

Anyway, I'm going to continue working on my WIPs and most likely continue posting them to AO3. It's by far the least social media-ish platform out there, and I really like posting on it. 

I need to take a step back to remember why I started writing, which was really as a way to get emotions out and to scream into the void a little. I don't enjoy sharing my work on tumblr, I kind of felt like I had to rather than genuinely wanting to. 

Truthfully, I just want to create and consume others' work in peace. I don't want to feel like I need to market my writing or whatever or compare myself to others. As much as I try not to, I think it's only human nature. 

So, I guess I'm really making this post to say I'll be going on a hiatus from tumblr. But I don't intend to stop writing or posting to AO3 and I hope to see you over there! 

I have no idea how long I'll be away for. Who knows... when winter comes around and my seasonal depression returns, or perhaps there is a major Mando update, maybe I'll return! 

For now, all there's left to say is how much of a pleasure it was posting about Mando and talking with you lot all these months. 

If anyone (mutual or otherwise) would like to keep in touch, feel free to message me for my discord! I'd be happy to continue chatting to you on there.

For me, in the headspace I'm currently in, one on one conversation is far less intimidating than being perceived by lots of people lol. 

I'll likely drop in at some point soon-ish and check for any of those messages, but until then, it's not a goodbye, but a see you later! 

Please care of yourselves and be kind to others :) 

Love,

Spud 🐸🩷

[blackjackkent]

The Ebbs and Flows of Programming

I got a very nice shoutout from @vexacarnivorous the other day as part of their writeup of resources in the codeblr sphere. It made me smile and I very much appreciated it. <3

It also made me think a lot.

Vexa shouted me out for the fact that I offer free programming tutoring as part of my Twitch livestream - which is very true, and I welcome anyone requesting it. I love helping people, especially those just getting into the industry. If you would like to reach out to me for assistance, learning, or just chatting about code, please, please do; I am always available for it.

Anyone paying attention, though, might have noticed I haven't done my coding stream except when tutoring in a number of weeks or really posted much about coding at all. The truth is, I haven't really done much programming outside of work for several months.

I've been hesitant to term it "burnout" because it hasn't come with the hallmarks we typically associate with that word - I don't feel depressed, I don't feel resentful or stressed really. But really it is a flavor of the same thing, and I think as someone who prides myself on representing what being a developer is Really Like, I think this sort of thing bears its own round of discussion.

Sometimes you just won't want to code, and that's also okay.

I think this is a difficult thing to conceptualize when you are a new developer. In my experience, those early years in the field are full of excitement and promise. You have so many ideas and there is so much to learn and every bit of new technique or technology feels like opening a treasure trove. For years, I was the poster child for this level of enthusiasm - late nights working on side projects and coming into work with dark circles under my eyes.

And I am not for a moment saying that's a bad thing! Ride that enthusiasm train as far as it will go whenever it comes into the station. :) This is an exciting field and I love seeing anyone get excited about an idea, implement it, run with it, feel fulfilled by making it.

What I want to talk about, though, is the days when it doesn't feel like that - because you will have them. Everyone has them. Personally, I'm 34 and tired. XD Sometimes I go through periods where I just want to play video games and not think about anything after work. And just as often, the urge to work on a project eventually comes back - probably quicker when I don't force it - but it's really easy to be too hard on myself for those periods where the enthusiasm isn't there.

The reason I think this is important to discuss is that there is a LOT of stigma, spoken and unspoken, in the industry against people who leave work at work. There's the concept of the 10x engineer - a developer whose productivity and output matches that of 10 "regular" engineers, and who is constantly in the trenches. There's the vocal admiration for people who drive themselves to distraction, working 80 hour weeks to achieve their vision of some killer app, side project, or even their company's product. This is viewed as the apotheosis of developer-hood, but in truth, it's unhealthy - both for those grinding that way and those who don't want to but are stuck with the image all the same.

I struggle with this image myself. The last few months, a recurring throughline in my therapy session has been - what am I bringing to the world if I'm not producing project output All The Time. It's been a little humbling stepping into the spaces of young developers to offer my help, and realizing that they are full of that exuberance and energy when I am in a slump where I am not.

But what I want to say here, ultimately, is this, and most likely it goes for other callings as well - sometimes you will feel the fire burning within you, and sometimes you won't. Don't get caught in the trap of feeling that your worth as a person (or as a developer) comes in passionate, all-consuming output. The important thing, always, is whether you are doing work, or living life, in a way that makes you feel fulfilled. And I, for one, am proud of you (and learning to be proud of myself) no matter what that looks like.

[startrekfangirl2233-writes]

Winter, 2019 - San Diego, California

Chapter 4 of You Are My Soulmate

Bradley 'Rooster' Bradshaw x Reader

Description: It's been a week since the accident. A week since you collapsed, a week since you saw the man who could be your soulmate fall from the heavens in a jet he shouldn't have been in at all. And you can't help but blame yourself. The should haves, would haves and could haves crowd your brain until there isn't anything else in it. Until, that is, you wake up one morning to find what looks to be all of the journalists in San Diego parked out in your front lawn. That's when you discover that Hawk had given interviews across the city dragging your name through the mud. You can't even open your windows without them hounding you. So you trust your welfare to your best friends, your family. And pray that Bradley Bradshaw wakes up soon. If only because you're not sure how much of this you can take. Meanwhile, Rooster's in heaven. He's got his mom and dad nearby, he's never hungry, thirsty or tired, but as time passes, he can't help wondering about his soulmate. Is she alright? Is she safe? She's not hurting too badly because of his stupid actions, right? One chance vision from the universe shows him what he didn't know he needed. Disclaimers: Misogynistic speech. Mentioned Homosexual Relationships. Angst. Flagrant disregard for protocols or Authority. Angst. Anguish. This content presented in this story is for audiences age 18 and over only. MINORS DNI. I will not be accepting tag-list requests from Blank or Ageless Blogs for this story. Warnings: Female!Reader Word Count: 3142 A/N: Here's Chapter 4 of YAMS! This is where the shit hits the fan, quite literally for Tinkerbell and Rooster! Hawk makes a second appearance, and if you all hated him when you first saw him, you haven't seen anything yet! As always, your reblogs and comments make me so happy! Feel free to drop me an ask if you want to chat about this chapter or any of my other works! AO3:Cross-posted Here! My Masterlist Previous Part | Series Masterlist | Next Part

Tinkerbell

You feel rather like you're walking around in a haze after the accident. You live so close to base and have so many friends that are Navy or affiliated with the Navy that it feels a lot like the entire world is talking about what happened. The rumors and wondering comments follow you around. You can't even walk into the commissary anymore without hearing some new theory about what happened.

Jake and Javy do their best to shield you from the speculation, but you can't hide from yourself. Your brain may be telling you that it wasn't your fault that Bradley crashed, but your heart, your soul, is telling you differently. Your actions resulted in your soulmate being in a hospital bed, unconscious and unknowing right now. You could have done something more to disable his jet. You could've had the maintenance crew remove the master ignition switch. You could've. You could've. You could've. It's eating you alive. Since you're on medical suspension for a month, you don't even have the distraction of work anymore.

You have one week of relative quiet. Then you wake up one morning to your phone blowing up. Everyone you know who has your phone number seems to be texting you the same link. You're half awake, sleep clouding your eyes even as you fumble for your ringing phone and answer the phone call.

It's an awfully insistent voice asking you why you put Bradley in the hospital. You ignore it and hang up. The words don't penetrate your sleepy brain until a few seconds later, when you jolt up from your comfy spot in bed. You've gotten over sixty unread messages and fourteen voicemails in the past three hours. Most of the voicemails are from Jake and when you open the first of the many articles in your inbox, it's an interview.

You're going to murder Lieutenant Junior Grade George Taylor, the cocky little shit soon to be formerly known as Hawk. He's spoken to what seems to be every news outlet in San Diego and given them a tell-all expose about how you're a nosy, jealous bitch who hated Lieutenant Bradshaw from the moment she saw him and wanted him gone.

No wonder your phone has been ringing off the hook. Everybody wants to stick their mics into your face and get the true story. How could you tell them it was your soulmate's fault when he isn't even awake to corroborate your story? You don't even know if he is your soulmate, for goodness's sake. Not definitively, at least. 

You can't even draw back your curtains, because when you try, you are nearly blinded by the entire troupe of reporters camping out on your front lawn. No wonder Jake sounds frantic when you finally pick up the phone when he calls next.

"Hey darling." He sounds worried, like he's been pacing back and forth on the hot tarmac for hours. "What happened? Are you okay? Did you see my messages?"

"I saw, Jake. I was asleep. If you forget, I'm on medical leave for the next three weeks." Your voice is weak as you burrow back under your sheets. "I saw your messages, Jake. I'm dreaming, right?"

"I wish you were, Tinky-tink." You can hear the pain in Jake's voice as a tear drips unbidden down your cheek. "Hawk's been swanning around on base. He's been talking shit all day. Javy's already punched him in the nose hard enough to cause a nosebleed. Thankfully Cyclone and Warlock weren't nearby or my darling would've ended up with a formal reprimand by now."

You have to smile, even if it's half-hearted, because it's so like Jake and Javy to have your back, even at the risk of their own careers.

"You guys have to toe the line, though, Jake. This may very well be the end of my career, but it's not going to be the end of yours." Your voice is filled with so much regret. So much pain and sorrow. "I'm not going to drag you and Javy down with me."

"Baby, who said you're dragging us down with you? We're your family, remember?" He sounds so genuinely distressed for you.

"I know, Jake. And I love you. I love Javy. But you can't punch Hawk out every time you see him on base. But you can smuggle me out of my house and hug me for a good long while later today?" You feel extra small in that moment, the flashes of light from the lenses on the other side of your curtain still burning after-images into your retinas.

"The paparazzi are all over, huh?" You can hear the furrow in Jake's brow as he asks you that question.

"I feel kinda like Marilyn Monroe. I have after-images burned into my retinas from the flashes on all the pictures they got of me in my frumpy, old, US Navy t-shirt a few minutes ago." You can just barely hear the rage in Jake's voice as he calls out to Javy and the other Daggers. 

"Hey, sweetheart." It's Javy's smooth, deep voice that you hear on the phone all of a sudden. "Jakey's flipping his shit, I dunno if you can hear him, baby, but we're really worried about you. Let me see if I can get Mav to let Jake and I out early. We'll roll up in the lifted truck with the blacked out windows, y’know, the one I kept telling Jake was a ridiculous purchase, and get you to our place. You know what Jake can drive like when he gets motivated."

You have to chuckle at that, a little. Jake normally drives like a perfectly respectable person. But when he's angry or worried, he's got a lead foot. You've definitely been holding onto the passenger "Oh Shit!" handles a few times as Jake drives.

"Pack your bags, baby. You're coming to stay with us until the paparazzi back off. All I know is that if I see that little ass wipe ever again, he'll be wishing that the worst thing he gets is a broken nose." Your chuckle is watery and sniffly at his words.

"Thank you, Javy. I love you."

"Love you too, baby. If you hear tires screeching on pavement, know that sound means that Jake and I are rolling up to break you out of jail." 

The phone goes dead soon after and it takes everything you have to not start hyperventilating on the spot. You could probably handle Hawk's interview alone, but now with reporters camping out on your front lawn and hounding your every move, it's only a matter of time before some other corrupt person lets it spill that Bradley Bradshaw might be your soulmate. With no knowledge of his prognosis, it's likely that you're going to get a court martial, then be dishonorably discharged, and finally imprisoned. Who'd ever take your word over Hawk's? There are still Admirals who believe that a woman's place is in the home, after all.

Everything you've ever worked for will have turned into dust in moments. All because of one action, one reaction, really. If he weren’t so badly hurt already, you’d hate Bradley Bradshaw for what he's done to ruin your life. But you can’t hate him. You couldn’t hate him if you tried. Now that you know he’s yours, that he’s linked to you in a way nobody else will ever be, ever can be, you can catalog all of the things you’ve ever felt about him. The instant jolt of attraction you’d felt that first night, the need to have his body pressed up against yours as he crooned sweet nothings to you? That must’ve been your bond asserting itself for the first time. Your giddy feelings after the AMDO inspection are just further proof. 

You pack bag after bag as you go over every memory you have with Bradley Bradshaw. In truth, he’s always in the periphery of your memories of your time at North Island, always in the shadows, lurking at the outskirts. You know it’s not his relationship with his team, because they love him. You have to be the reason why he’d become so nervous all of a sudden. Could he have sensed the nascent bond between the two of you? But that doesn’t explain the horrible things Bradley had said about you. You’ve gone over that night over and over in your mind, but it’s standing in your sun drenched bedroom that you finally realize why. Jake had come oh-so protectively up to you after the crowd had nearly crushed you, after Bradley had saved you. He’d smothered you in his embrace and his cloying older-brotherly love and had scarcely left your side the remainder of the night.

Could Bradley have thought that Jake was your soulmate? Jake?! The very man who is so in love with his own soul that he never even lets Javy get his own beer? Ever? The man who'd called you after Javy went into G-Loc and was in the hospital for the night, crying because he'd nearly lost the most important person in his life? That Jake? It’s a ludicrous thought to you, but a conceivable one. And you can’t even disabuse Bradley Bradshaw of the notion. Not when he’s lying in a hospital bed deep in a coma.

It’s that thought which swarms in your mind as you sit in your silent, dark living room waiting for Jake and Javy to come ‘break you out of jail’ as Javy had called it. You’re paralyzed by it, in truth. How? How can you fix this? How? The more you think about the situation you’ve found yourself in, the less you think you’ve found a solution. You’re curled into a ball on the sofa, staring blankly at the television you’re not sure when you turned on, when the door opens. You’re blasted with an onslaught of noise in the short while it’s opened.

“Hi, Tink.” You blink unseeingly at the voices. These are people you can trust, you know you can, but you can’t make yourself respond. All of your feelings have clogged up your throat, muting your voice until you’re caught in the riptide-current of everything that’s happened to you.

“C’mon, darling. Let’s get you out of here, huh?” You just nod, allowing Javy to put your shoes on your feet and wrap you in a big hoodie, drawing the hood over your face before propping a pair of sunglasses on your nose.

The sound is worse the minute you set foot outside of the door. The flashes are blindingly bright even through the dark lenses on your face, and if it weren’t for how Jake and Javy sandwich you between them, both of them still in their khakis, you’d have broken in the couple of dozen steps it takes to get into Jake’s lifted truck with the blacked out windows. The reporters are shouting questions to you so insistently that you can hear them even once you’re safely ensconced in the backseat with Javy. For several long moments, they turn their hounding on Jake as he carts your bags to the tailgate in a couple of quick trips. It’s barely ten minutes later that Jake takes off down the road. But it’s in the quiet of the cab that you break down.

It’s an acute despair that’s got hold of your heart, tears slipping down your cheeks in big globs at the pain you’re feeling all over again. It’s not enough that you had to watch your soulmate crash, that you can’t know how he is doing. No, now you have to face the entire world lambasting you for something that you didn’t do. This soulmate thing didn’t come with instructions. If the gods had been a little more specific, could you have avoided all of this? Why didn’t your life come with some kind of instruction booklet? Would it have saved all of this heartache? You honestly don’t know and you’re sure you never will.

Javy’s an angel throughout it, holding you tight against his chest and letting you cry until your tears peter out. You can’t hear anything for a long while, and you’re not sure if it’s because of the big palm cradling your head or if it’s just that the beating of your heart is drowning out everything else. 

“How’s she doing, darling?” You’re struck dumb, your mind moving far too fast to put your thoughts to words.

“I dunno, Jake.” The rumble of Javy’s voice in his chest feels like home. “She cried for a long time, and now Tink’s just lying against my chest limply.”

“I wish there was something we could do to help her more, Javy.” It sounds like Jake’s choked up. Why? It’s not like you’re anything special.

“What else could we do? We got that little prick under investigation. And I punched him square in the nose. Everything else is up to Bradshaw. And we’ll take care of our girl as long as we have to. She may not believe that she did the right thing at this very moment, but we’ll help her. It’s the least we can do.” Javy sounds so sure of his ability to help you. But what if you’re past saving? It’s not like Hawk will ever change his tune.

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough? This is Tink, Javy. Our Tink. We wouldn’t have each other without her.” You’ve never heard Jake like this.

“It’ll be okay, darling. You and me, we’ll take care of our Tink as long as we have to.” 

You must fall asleep after that conversation because the next thing you know is the feeling of cool blankets over your exhausted body and a soft pillow under your heavy head. Somebody has laid your cell phone down on the nightstand and your bags are in a corner. You feel weighed down and groggy, like you’ve been sleeping for far too long and yet are still completely exhausted. You have to force yourself to walk down the stairs of Jake and Javy’s house, though you can’t quite give up the comfort of the blanket they’d draped over you. Your socked feet whisper softly against the shining wood floors, and the stealth it provides leads to you seeing something which warms your nearly broken heart.

There are takeout boxes on the counter and two half filled glasses of wine nearby.  Soft music spills from the speaker on the counter and Jake and Javy are swaying gently to the beat. As you creep closer to the kitchen, you can hear the lyrics. If you know Jake correctly, it sounds like Tim McGraw’s My Best Friend. Jake’s mouthing the words gently, Javy’s head against the crook of his neck and his hand over Jake’s heart. Both of their eyes are closed and they look completely at peace with each other. Their love for each other speaks volumes. They seem so at ease with each other, like they belong here in each other's arms. 

In this cozy ranch style kitchen, all of your problems seem miles away. If you close your eyes and let the music wash over you, you would almost think you’re in your own kitchen, dancing barefoot in somebody’s arms. There’s a dog underfoot and even though the two of you nearly fall, it feels right. When you open your eyes, you half expect yourself to be there in your kitchen, to see Bradley looking down on you. But nothing’s changed. You’re still lost and alone. Adrift in stormy seas without a life raft or life jacket. But in the warm yellow light, you let yourself hope, just a little. You have Jake, and you have Javy. Maybe they’re enough?

Rooster

In the who-knows-how-long since he’s been stuck in limbo with his mom and dad, Bradley’s filled them in on everything they’ve missed in his life. He’s been yelled at and squished by both his parents and he feels more settled than he has been in a long, long time. From what his parents have told him, he’s not dead, not completely. There’s something tethering him to his life, something more than just his bruised, broken, battered body in a coma. 

If he stops concentrating on what it is, just a little, Bradley sometimes thinks he sees a string, shooting out from his heart and extending out, farther than he could possibly see. It’s crimson, the color bright against the pale nothingness he’s in, and god he wishes he could see who it points to. But more than anything, he wishes he’d just not decided to get into a broken jet and fly. It’s the biggest regret of his not-quite-life, not-quite-death, and he wishes more than anything that he could apologize to his soulmate.

But he can't. Not until he wakes up. It's impossible to know how many days he's been stuck in this liminal space too, the days punctuated by his mom and dad appearing and disappearing in golden motes of light, leaving him in solitude at times. It must be nice, Bradley's sure, to know you've lived a life well, to know your soulmate is waiting for you on the other side of a golden bridge waiting for you.

That's the first time he sees her, his soul. She's standing in a kitchen, wrapped in a fluffy blanket, the only parts of her visible are her sock-clad feet and her head. There's music playing, some country tune Bradley couldn't name if he tried. Her eyes are welling with tears as she watches two men dance. One is pale-skinned and blond haired, the other deeply tanned with close-cropped inky black curls. They're wrapped around each other, love dripping from every motion. Bradley knows exactly whose face it is, Tinkerbell, just as well as he knows the blond's face. It's a face he would have argued he's seen too many times since the Uranium Mission. Fucking Jake Seresin. But why's he dancing with somebody else? Shouldn't he be dancing with Tinkerbell? She’s in the room after all. How could he cheat on a girl like her? More's the question, why's he seeing Seresin and Tinkerbell instead of his soulmate?

But before Bradley can get or manipulate the visions to show him something else, he's left with only his thoughts. Those thoughts keep focusing on Tinkerbell standing in the kitchen. She’d looked so sad, so lonely. Oh god, is this when she found out Jake was cheating on her? He can’t help wishing he were there so he could hug her and kiss her tears away.  Which is ridiculous, right? But he does promise that the next time he sees Bagman, the two of them are going to have words. Nobody gets to treat their soulmate like that, not on his watch.

Taglist:

🛩️ @roosters-girl 🛩️ @infamous-reindeer 🛩️ @caitsymichelle13 🛩️ @mattyskies 🛩️ @cosmic-psychickitty 🛩️ @mygyn 🛩️ @julesclues 🛩️ @greenbaby12 🛩️ @bubblegumbeautyqueen 🛩️ @briseisgone 🛩️ @soulmates8 🛩️ @meganlpie 

🛩️ @daphne-turner 🛩️ @captain-fandomwriter58

🛩️ @caidi-paris 🛩️@mazzbarnes 🛩️ @thedroneranger

🛩️@super-btstrash-posts 🛩️@eli2447 🛩️@chaoticassidy 🛩️ @kmc1989 🛩️ @faithiegirl01 🛩️@mayhemmanaged 

🛩️@desert-fern🛩️ @cassiemitchell 🛩️ @dakotakazansky 

🛩️ @cherrycola27 🛩️@roosterforme 🛩️@beccaanne814 🛩️

I DO NOT CONSENT TO HAVE MY WORK POSTED, TRANSLATED, OR PUBLISHED ON ANY SITES OTHER THAN HERE OR ON AO3 BY ME. IF YOU SEE MY WORKS ANYWHERE OTHER THAN HERE OR AO3, THEN THEY HAVE BEEN POSTED WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND I WILL BE WORKING TO TAKE THEM DOWN.

[mx-piggy]

Just finished season 1 of the Afterparty and I felt like writing my thoughts about it. I'd also love to chat with other people about this show, so feel free to comment, rb or DM me! Spoilers ahead!

I'm definitely going to have to rewatch it at some point (maybe after season 2 is fully out, so I can watch them back-to-back), because I want to see how everything plays out in hindsight, and see what details I can pick up on.

I started watching this show because I saw a gif from the most recent episode in season 2 ('Hannah', I think) and it looked kinda gay. That's how I started watching the Last of Us. And many other shows. I'm a lonely, desperate queer.

Overall, I really enjoyed it! I'm a fan of all the genres it combined, and I think they worked really well together. I feel like, even if you don't gel well with the comedy, the compelling mystery and characters make it worth a watch. I loved the format of having a different sort of genre in each episode, with my favourite styles being Chelsea and Yasper. And, I adore unreliable narrators.

The only episode I went into knowing the genre (or in Zoe's case, the medium) were Aniq and Zoe, but I correctly guessed that Brett was going to have an action-style 'movie', Yasper's was going to be a musical, Chelsea's was going to be a thriller kind of movie and that Maggie's was going to be kiddie-fied. Guessing the genre's not an achievement though, despite my sense of pride.

I didn't correctly guess the killer until I did my thing of reading a reader-insert fic just before the finale, and a line in there (something to do with 'keeping secrets') made me think 'oh shit'. It wasn't necessarily a spoiler, but it did make it click for me, and I noticed things in the finale leading up to the reveal, like Yasper being absent from when Aniq woke up. Before that spoiler, though, I guessed it was probably Walt, though I did suspect he was just a red herring. Part of me also had this crack theory that it'd be a 'Who Shot Mr. Burns' thing where Maggie killed him by accident (funny how they share the same name), or that she'd witnessed Xavier fall accidentally.

Speaking of which, I think the conclusion was satisfying and made sense in the way Danner explained it. I'm hoping it'll hold up on rewatch- I'm guessing it will. It made sense, and I think it's impressive for this kind of comedy show to commit to having one of their charismatic main characters being the killer, instead of copping out and make it be someone we don't really care about. Well, I cared about Yasper at the very least. He was one of my favourite characters, and I'm very sad that he's probably rotting in prison. But, I'm glad he had his moment of fame.

Since this is fiction, I'm allowed to say 'fair enough' to Yasper murdering Xavier. I think everyone at that party should have been more grateful to Yasper for getting rid of him. (/lh) Though I think it would have been hilarious if everyone was actually grateful, instead of them all celebrating that the killer had been caught. That said, even though I love Yasper and I condone what he did, it felt kinda nice for Danner's investigation to be celebrated, even though I'm not a fan of cops.

That said, I do have a small issue with the finale that is entirely personal to me and my preferences, and this could easily be fixed if I wrote an angsty fanfiction like I normally do. So, my problem is that I wish that the revelation of what Yasper did had more of an emotional impact on Aniq. I know that they haven't spoken in two years prior to that night, but they were best friends in high school, and I think it's kind of dismissive that they went straight from 'Aniq feels betrayed that his friend would do something like this' to 'now he's kissing Zoe in the car'. I know it's a comedy and it'd be weird for the season to end on such a depressing note, especially since in the end the murder isn't taken that seriously by Yasper (in a scene I sincerely enjoyed and felt kind of happy for him in). Speaking of which, I read some analysis on Yasper and the perception of success in terms of careers that was really interesting and I'll link here, so that kind of makes that scene a little sad because Yasper would rather be an infamous killer than a guy with a successful career. But, y'know it's a comedy so I'll try not to think about that or I'll be sad.

Now I'll get onto the characters, specifically the main ones. I like them all as characters. I'll only go into depth about the characters who get an episode named after them, Xavier and Walt.

Aniq is really charismatic, and I think he's a fun main character to have even if he's not the most interesting necessarily. I think it makes sense to have such a puzzle-oriented character as the main character in a murder mystery. Plus, he's a genuinely nice guy, so it makes it so you don't want to see him get sent to prison. I'm pretty sure he's the main character of season 2 as well, so I'm happy to see him return.

I really like Zoe, too! I was worried that she would just be 'the artsy, perfect love interest' that you see in teen movies, so I really liked to see her story of struggling with who she is and what she wants. It really resonated with me, and her episode was really interesting to watch. Personally, her episode reminded me a little of BoJack Horseman (the show, not the character). I don't really understand why her episode has such a harsh rating on IMDB, because I think the storytelling and use of animation to further characterise and flesh out Zoe was really effective.

I like Zoe and Aniq's relationship too, and I think that's really impressive because of how I struggle to get on board with canon relationships in rom-coms. A lot of the time, it feels like I'm watching a kid holding their Barbie and Ken dolls in either hand and repeating 'don't you think they should kiss?' But, with Aniq and Zoe, they had genuine chemistry (no pun intended) and they both work as individual characters outside of their relationship.

Yasper is one of my favourite characters in the show, probably second to a character I'll get onto in a minute. I think he's a great subversion of the 'best friend hypeman' trope, where he actually has motivations and goals outside of his best friend. I was worried that his character was going to just be the 'oblivious loudmouth best friend', and, like with Zoe, I was thankfully proven wrong. He was a delightfully complex character who did the world a service. I can't be bothered to analyse him in the detail I'd like to, so all I'll say is that I am going to spend some time tomorrow reading some angsty Yasper fics.

So, my favourite character in the show was Chelsea, and I'm honestly so in love with her it's insane. Her character was so complex and interesting, and on a personal level she was really easy to empathise with. I knew early on that she wasn't the killer, and that she was just a fucked up woman who deserved so much better in life. It made me so happy to see her making amends with Zoe, and to see how nice Yasper and Aniq were to her, because all she really needed was to escape the high schooler judgement and be afforded some compassion and kindness. And, I found it simultaneously heartbreaking and heartwarming that she was so used to the feeling of being judged and ostracised that she didn't get revenge on Xavier and wrote that apology on Aniq's hand for him drinking her cat roofies. Her arc was the most satisfying to watch for me. I'm devastated that she's only in season 1 (though I get it from a narrative standpoint). Hoping she will live on through fanfiction.

Brett was also a surprise to me, because I assumed he was just going to be a total loser who thinks he's a badass and that's it. But, I really like how he was actually a decent dad to Maggie as well. Like, sure, you shouldn't leave your kid alone in a car for a prolonged period or speed when your kid's in the car (or at all), but still. It was really sweet to see the joy on Maggie's face when her dad was living out some Fast and the Furious fantasy. And, I like how the motivation of his episode was to get the koala back. It made me giggle.

Danner was a really interesting character to watch. Again, I'm not a fan of cops, but I personally feel like her character is well-done. She's someone working against a shitty system as best she can. She'll do what's right as opposed to staying in favour with her colleagues who believe in protecting their own than pursuing true justice. I like how she's very unconventional in her approach, where she knows she'll find something relevant in seemingly unnecessary details. It makes her a really interesting investigative character. Plus, I really like Danner's personality; she's also a very charismatic character, minus the being a cop thing.

Walt wasn't my favourite character but I still liked him enough. It was kinda depressing (in a fun way, though) at times to see him be so overlooked by his peers. I thought it was funny that, in Maggie's version of events, he's a puppet who just says 'Walt'. And, I liked that he's so overlooked that his designated episode (High School) isn't named after him and we don't really get his perspective as much as we did with the other characters. It fit a lot with the outcast, background role of the character, where his own party, his own story isn't even about him. It was nice that they remembered his name in the end.

Maggie is so precious to me fr. She's such a sweet kid and I want to adopt her. Her joy is so infectious.

Now onto Xavier. As a character, Xavier was really incredible. As a person, I'm overjoyed that someone took the initiative to dispose of him. His relationship with Yasper was so interesting, and I like that we got to see his origins as a kinda dorky teenager who wants to reinvent himself and is heartbroken 'heterosexually' when his best friend wants to break up their band. So much so that he gets into a fight with the guy his best friend definitely isn't in love with. But, he fucked over my darling Chelsea and my guy Aniq. He makes shitty music. The only good thing he ever did was make Maggie's favourite movie. Overall, he is basically Jamie Tartt, if Jamie was murdered before he could become the man we all know and love today. I mean, neither of them wear shirts under their suits, and Dave Franco and Phil Dunster have some physical similarities.

I'm really looking forward to watching season 2 and to rewatching the whole show. And to reading some angsty Aniq/Yasper/Xavier fanfics. And to hopefully finding some fanart to reblog. I need to consume fan content for this show and these characters. Especially Chelsea.

[ao3-oner]

hello! I know you've been talking about We Keep Falling Apart AU (which I also love) but would you have any more hcs or snippets you can share for Summoner Id (Your Name on My Lips)? I really really love it! It was so funny but also so heartfelt?? And all the characters and sideships were so great!! Zeus' reaction to "babe" had me on the floor laughing (just like Kanavi), Jihoon and Sanghyeok slowly and slowly being more open with their feelings, Kanavi being an overall boss. I loved it!

Hi, and thanks for the ask!

I'm super glad to hear that you liked Summoner Id! I honestly really like that fic, too - shoutout to my friend who gave me the encouragement I needed to go through with writing it when I was uncertain about whether I should! Like you said, I feel like this fic allowed me to combine a lot of the things I really like to incorporate in my writing - humor, angst, romance - all kind of rolled up into one giant mess, and I'm really glad that it turned out to be such a fun story.

With that said, I didn't really plan out a full AU for it - I know a few people initially assumed it was part of the WKFA universe, but it's not - so when it comes to hcs or snippets I guess I can just think about it now?

I mean, several of my WKFA headcanons still apply to this fic's universe, too - RuLehends were exclusive fwbs during '22, Kanavi-Chovy-Lehends have been besties since Griffin days, etc. - so I suppose the most unique part would be the other side relationships featured in the fic, i.e. the Choker, GuKe and OZ. My thoughts on those can best be described as... situationships. Situationships everywhere. Primarily due to the fact that none of these players can communicate about their emotions for shit.

GuKe (as usual) are the ones who are the most together (other than CanMaker, who did get a subtle nod, but I digress) - like Ruler observes in the fic, they definitely have a couple-esque relationship, and everyone knows they've spoken for each other. They haven't quite put an official label on what they have yet, though, mostly because Keria doesn't really feel the need to, and that has been giving our possessive king Guma a smidge of anxiety. For the most part, they're doing everything a committed couple would do, from the pet names to the physicality to the quality time.

I think that Choker is very much still trying to figure out where they stand with each other - I mean we hear from Faker first-hand in the fic how he's trying to navigate how he feels about Chovy (since he's never really felt this way about anyone before), whereas Chovy openly flirts with him but internally is still very starstruck, very "what do you mean I could actually bag the Lee Sanghyuk". I hc that they first met up for lunch 1-on-1 at Worlds '22, and since then they've discovered that they enjoy each other's company and have been going out for "appointments" together throughout the '23 spring split. It's still very new to both of them, which is exciting, but also kind of terrifying, especially for Sanghyuk, since everyone expects him to be a paragon in all things.

OZ... lmao these nerds... Their current status is Zeus constantly googling "my stupid hot jungler keeps calling me his 'girlfriend' and teasing me and now we're sleeping together... help??" and the only response he's getting is missing pings. Oner thinks they're dating. Zeus thinks that Oner's straight and is just being a bro/fucking with him. Not an ounce of communication is going on. It's a time, but isn't it always.

So, yeah, those are some of my thoughts! Feel free to send another message if there's anything more specific you're curious about - I am always happy to chat.

Thanks again for reaching out, and have a good one!

[hollowsart]

.

I never mean to distance myself, I don't even usually realize I'm doing that at all.. and I worry about ruining friendships.. that's kind of a normal thing for people to worry about, though, yeah? But I really wish I wasn't this way. I want to keep chatting and having fun conversations with people.. with my friends.. why is it so difficult for me?

My fears and worries.. my anxiety controls my life a lot. I wish I could get over this.. but the thought of confronting/reaching out can be unbearable and unbearably awkward for me. The social anxiety settles in like a wretched little worm, nagging and constricting me to the point I want to cry and go into a small panic.

There's many I haven't spoken to in quite some time that I still consider and call my friends. I think of them regularly.

To be told you're annoying in your childhood and told you're being a bother in teenhood can really mess up your adulthood. Haunting you as you get older and subtly ruining your life..

That's something that can take a long time to recover from..

I just.. I hate feeling lonely and being lonely, but I'm so scared of ruining anything.. and I hate that, too. I think I hate that the most.

Starting conversations and being the one to speak first is one of the hardest and scariest and most daunting of tasks.. as silly as it might seem.. sometimes, it feels like an intimidating wall, and I'm without any method to get to the other side.

I fear coming off as annoying or as a burden or just.. I don't want to be a bother to people.. I know I've been told a fair number of times before that it's okay by some friends.. but it.. doesn't really make it any easier.

Maybe one day I can be free of this.. I can only hope. Gosh, I hope. Please..

[creature-wizard]

I was part of ( and abused by ) Scarletarosa's mini cult.

Important note! If you've ever been told by her you were sharing a family bond or any close important relationship in a past life, that's her tactic trough which she gets close to you! She has done this to 3 people as far as I remember

My aim here is not to attack anyone, but to spread my story, as others can learn from my mistakes and keep themselves safe. I considered this person a close friend and truly cared about her when she shared some of her own struggles , yet for her I was nothing but a dumb person to trick , use and fool.

I started to become closer to this person after I went trough the pagan / witchy tumblr tags. We first just exchanged some asks and messages, nothing much.

After she did a free reading for me ,she offered herself to be my mentor and use her "wide experience " to help me find out more about witchcraft, meditation, deity worship and all of this.

At first this seemed nothing too strange or much different from what other people who post their upg were saying. We were mostly having light discussions. I truly considered her to be friend and cared about her. Nothing serious happened until she introduced me to her partner ( after she probably thought she has gained my trust). After that she started to become more and more strict and serious about shaping my beliefs and inner self, to evolve and other bull crap like that.

They ghosted me for a few months and never replied back and I started to find this weird, because she was usually responding right back and was most of the times online. At this point I started to get suspicious because I also started to do some research into new age beliefs and all the weird conspiracy- culty stuff, and I found similarities between scarletarosa's ideologies and those believed by new agers, hers were only adjusted a bit to fit her Luciferian perspective.

I have no idea if they do this because they want to get people to give them money for whatever shit they sell, or they genuinely like to hurt people. Back to the story, out of a sudden, after that huge amount of time we haven't spoken,  they were eager to help me more and give me " past life readings " , which I found to be odd.

As doubts were piling up, I decided to test  them. I started by telling them I did past life regression meditation and saw parts of that life which they " confirmed " to be true, or that I did tarot readings about it.

The stories they were telling me started to sound wilder and wilder .

A lot of red flags were appearing on the horizon, one of them being told that they actually didn't tell me the whole " truth" about my higher self, and that the meditation I was told to do daily has to be done everyday, 1 day skipped and you go back to the beginning of the process because the connection with your higher self is lost. This meditation, well is crap as well. Scarletarosa said it's purpose is to connect you with your higher self who is located in between the chest and abdomen. This is a concept you will never encounter in any spiritual book or material. No one , as far as I researched, talks about this. I obviously didn't do the meditation daily because I only meditate when I feel like I need to, and after so many months of talking to each other she tells me i " failed " awakening because I wasn't consistent. At this point I started my own meditation practice without any higher core self bullshit. I started to play along and test them with more scenarios related to the connection I supposedly have with my higher self and they believed me.

I caught her in another lie when I left her an ambiguous message to which she said that I actually did the meditation correctly. Right after I revealed I actually skipped my meditation on purpose, and she got mad.

Another red flag was the fact that a person who was with me in the group chat, suddenly left and I couldn't reach her anywhere. I wasn't sure for how long I should play along and shortly after that I left them too, the last straw for me being how scarletarosa was set I making me to hate and despite trans people, and people who use different pronouns.

I left in a peaceful way , by telling them this version of me I can see I'm becoming is not the real me. I'm not hateful, I don't hate people, I don't want to fill my mind and heart with disgust and vengeance towards people. In the end I will say that both scarletarosa and her partner are skilled in the art of manipulation , emotional manipulation to be more exact. They will use everything you give them ,against you; your fears , doubts, dreams, what you hate, what you love, your traumas EVERYTHING! Then if you want to leave they pull the " after everything we've done for you " uno card.

They will try to make you transform into the worst of yourself and be ... like them.

They are extremely skilled at what they do and this behaviour is encompassed in the sphere of abuse and tactics abusers use:

- they will tell you a story about how great you used to be as a spirit in the metaphysical realm and make you chase a spiritual awakening so you can regain that "greater form " back and free yourself from your meat suit once an for all. BUT you will only reach that " high level " if you do what they say.

- they make you feel special ( example: telling you your higher self is a great demon, a deity or a wise dragon) - they will tell you what to do but not entirely. They'll withhold information and say that " you weren't ready to find out " yet, or that you failed to check all the boxes when doing the meditation or whatever they suggested, and oppsie you should  have known,  we didn't tell you but it was OBVIOUS. This for sure would make you feel bad and work even harder to achieve that thing, while this buys them more time to make up a new lie  because whatever they tell you to do is total crap and you won't achieve anything.

- they tell people to not talk about what they teach you to others because this information is not for everyone - they didn't let me talk with the other person in the chat about what they " teach us" because they want to be the ones to tell us " the news" first. Obviously they would be caught lying if I was to talk with the other person.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope no one else has to fall into this kind of situation in the future.

[rockybloo]

Serious Rocky Talk Time

I've mentioned this before on Twitter but in all honesty I should actually talk about it here. And that topic is basically people possibly forgetting I'm just some random person on the internet? Like, I'm not a professional, I'm just sharing my OCs and stories on the internet almost as sort of a spot to archive them???

I appreciate all the kind words and people that enjoy my stuff-SINCERELY I do. But I also want to nip in the butt the potential for people to basically form what the kids are callin' a "Parasocial relationship" these days.

Sometimes, people get overly familiar with me because I've responded nicely to them (because I try to keep things nice online). Or I've notice there's been times I've rejected something or posted a boundary in relation to something a person might have recently said or asked. And it's nothing personal...like ever. But people will suddenly apologize profusely because they think I'm mad?

Like-I do not post when I am genuinely angry. That is a recipe for disaster on the internet. Same for when I'm sad. I grew up on the internet and have done my good bit of vent art and journaling during my early years over on Deviantart. I dropped the practice getting older because sharing my personal emotions on the web to a bunch of what are basically strangers weirds me out now.

Me turning something down or posting a boundary is for my own comfort. Because I dislike being uncomfortable to please others. And I know for a fact not everyone reads everything I post. Or sometimes I just forget to post something important just like recently with the "Please do not suggest things" post. Because I sincerely forgot "Oh yeah, more people are following me so I should probably share this since many do not know"

In relation to the whole "no parasocial relationship thing", I'll repeat that I'd prefer not to be private messaged unless we're mutuals. I don't feel comfortable in a small chat with one other person I am not familiar with. This is in no way meant to be me assuming you guys are weirdos or anything negative-it just comes from past experiences of growing up online where I've forced myself to be ok with private messaging and have felt HORRIBLY uncomfortable to entire time.

I know I've stated this before and I know people will still continue to private message me even after this post but I will continue to not respond to said messages. I know it'll come off mean and rude but I prefer more public conversations with followers.

Once again, I share my boundaries so I can be more comfortable while telling stories. And I know some will read this and still think "OH ROCKY IS MAD" but I'm not.

I just know there's a ton of new people around here now and I haven't spoken up much about things I'm okay with.

And if for some reason, any of the things I've said make you go "Oh ew, I don't wanna follow Rocky anymore they seem strict" then you are completely free to do so. My feeling won't be hurt. I just don't like being stepped all over just to seem nicer. I'll continue to share boundaries if something pops up that weirds me out or if I forget one just so people know.

I'd rather someone know what I dislike than never speaking and being too uncomfortable to post anything anymore.

[kkemtal]

April 19, 2023

20 Days To Go

Today marks the 1st anniversary with my special favorite person who has been one of my answered prayers that I desperately manifested since before. I'm very grateful amidst the brewing numbness of my mind exhausted from work. Although I get a dose of affection from my significant other and showered loving support from my family, most especially from my mother, I sometimes feel mellow.

You know, something feels lacking and I know deeply there's a huge loophole from one of my aspects that needs to be filled in. Right now, I'm writing my thoughts and feelings as my free expression of solace. Thoughts that spiral from me being a problem in a certain circumstance to a myriad of 'what ifs' of my future.

Who's going to be the right people where I feel like I truly belong? Who are still gonna be my genuine friends in each year passed as I aged? Who's going to be my support system in moments of a cry for help or something that's gonna happen, may it be from scams, hospital bills, delayed loan payments? Although I have not come to reach at this level yet nor do I ever want to step into that real test of adulting, I have to acknowledge to the possibility that someday I would come to a point similar to those aforementioned scenarios. I must have the right practical resources to combat these unfavorable possibilities.

It's the sense of belongingness that's lost in me. The friends I had since high school and college we drifted apart by not being acknowledged especially everytime if we posted rarely at social media. At those points, it is a test of who matters the most by just hitting the chat and ask how's life doing then hoping am invite to catch around. None of that happens to me. Probably, I could see why. It's the pace and the level where I am compared to them in terms of career and settlement.

This just paints me as the sad girl who's robotic at work. I put boundaries to keep me fully sane. As much as possible, not getting myself in troubles or any sort of mischief. I feel like I am the problem. I just keep most of my relationships superficial or is it the different people I deal with at my everyday job doesn't somehow reach at a level of our rapport to be considered as friends? Or whom we feel or relate to outside business?

The pivot of my unending overthinking drains me mentally. No wonder I, probably most of time, feel so droggy early in the morning. This is exhausting. And hurting. Subtly. Overthinking what my counterparts who are three times the rank more than me perceive me based on what they hear about me or saw me somewhere that I do not display as a professional at my leisure times. Thinking they don't like me because of those possible situations and gosh, I hate formulating on how to make people or someone you know you haven't spoken with like me for first impressions. I could feel if someone ain't the same wave as me jiving from work or outside of that aspect.

I feel like a nobody. Just someone who's got superficial relationships harvested from work. It is business, the offers and close dealings. No time to make in hanging around with the clients or some coworkers you want to grow closer outside business. It's sad because we are all gonna run and spend time at our special haven - the ones we considered as priority, the family. Elimination round is the place where I'm always feeling to be by the means of spending energy to who truly deserves it. Who deserves to be inserted on a busy schedule and despite everything.

I feel like I am the least favorite and it hurts thinking about it. Being so pensive about due to my quirkiness and my crooked dialect. Doing my best to talk normally with people by avoiding to come out sounding like a foreigner who's trying hard to speak our local language. I really hate this flaw about myself, besides looking so androgynous - my secondary insecurity but learned to be proud and embrace my physical flaw.

I just wanna cry, pondering what route God is going to direct me before I hit the cusp of 30s? If I am still going to continue at my sales career? Going on the flow that is how passive I do while there's no any door of opportunity to help me get out from this place I am stuck at. Sales is a love-hate relationship. You feel stuck at it the more you get yourself loaded accounts from referrals and endorsements. That's great! However, the whole cycle drains me alot, especially being your most passive self to entertain business clients.

I'm so tired. I wish and pray and manifest the all things in balance to keep me abundantly happy that produces more high quality results from the craft I am innately so great for. Something brand new but it wouldn't take away the very core from my soft skills or anything that aligns with that. Alot of new experiences, new people as instant friends outside business. New level of comfort like staying in a condo for awhile long whilst being with significant partner for business/work. Generating more booming income. And travels like no other.

Manifesting, gradually each subject of full hearts desire will be aligning to reality from just dreams we so desperate to have.

Ciao!

-kkemtal

[h-c-u]

To the piece that left.

TW: SUICIDE.

First of all, I would love to thank everyone who sent me asks and messages since the day I've posted about my absence. I've replied to chats and explained to some of you what is happening in my life right now, and even though I won't be replying to any of the asks, because it would be just a copy-paste reply, I appreciate every single one of them, and you can consider this post as a reply. I will explain more under the cut, but again, please be warned:

TW: SUICIDE.

Over a week ago, a very close friend of mine took his own life and it took a toll on me. I have a great support system in place, and as much as it pains me to say it - it's not the first time I'm facing this specific event in my life. I obviously won't go into details on why, but to paint a broad picture - we live in a country that some time ago started implementing LGBT-free zones and even though I don't live in any of those regions - that mentality is still felt among some circles even in more progressive parts of Poland, especially in older generations. I hope I don't have to explain in more detail exactly how it's connected to the main topic today...

I will allow myself to be a bit vulnerable with you all here and share a letter I wrote to him and that I've shared with my friends after the funeral. It's not exactly pretty, and I'm not even sure if I should post it on a blog that contains mostly memes and fanfics, but it's a kind of spur of a-moment decision, and I honestly might delete it in few days, if I decide it was inappropriate. But for now - here we go.

To the piece that left.

Someone much more intelligent than me (whose name ironically, I don't remember now), once told me that we are a mosaic of people we love. That we're made of the things other people in our lives... I don't know if it's true for everyone, but I know it is for me; both small and significant items in me are copied or inspired by others. 

I still make the sandwiches in the exact same way as my mother does. I check the door the same way my nanny did when we left the house. When I write ys and gs, I still use the loop I saw one day on a coffee shop banner when I was 9. When I write on my computer, my fingers subconsciously position themselves in a way my piano teacher taught me as a way to relax the knuckles. Every time I do any of those things, my thoughts wander to the person I got it from, and even though some of them I never met, with some I haven't spoken with in years, they are still present in my life.

But now the piece that was you is missing from my daily life. 

I know you will be present in the mosaic of my mind and life forever, but I don't know how to make that shift from seeing you on a weekly basis, talking to you almost every day, and sending you shitty memes about psychology, philosophy, and linguistics, because we were the exact same humor in this area to having your present only in my thoughts and the habits I haven't discovered yet. 

You ripped yourself from my life just a few days ago, without giving me time to prepare, leaving a hole behind, but for me... it's just too soon to process it yet, so even though I see the hole, I feel how empty and cold it is, my brain glosses over the fact that it IS there and instead focuses on how it got there. 

I know what drove you to the decision you made, and I am truly sorry that there was so much pain in your life that you didn't see any other option than to end it. I'm sorry you were faced with such cruelty and injustice from people who were supposed to love you no matter what. And I am truly sorry that I didn't realize how much you were really struggling before it was too late. You said you don't want any of us to blame ourselves, but I still can't help it, because I called you just one day before you killed yourself... Maybe if I said something different, or talked with you just a few minutes longer, I wouldn't be writing this right now. And trust me, I know you would smack me just for thinking that, but I still can’t help wondering.

When we were saying goodbyes, I was left alone with you for a moment, and I held your hand... I know it was cold and lifeless, but I didn't feel it, because I kept wondering how it was possible that your skin was still so soft, even so long after your heart stopped beating... 

I saw your cuts... 

We talked about suicide because it was a close topic to both our hearts and how you always made fun of people cutting across the wrists because stopping this type of bleed was almost easy. 

Your cuts ran through the whole length of your forearms. 

You didn't want any chance of someone saving you...

I want to be angry, sad, furious, anything, but I can't... And I don't even feel guilty for being so numb to it... Maybe somewhere deep down I was expecting it all along? Maybe some part of me knew that I had to cherish every moment with you because there was a finite amount of them. I will never know the answer to that.

You were a huge part of not only my life but all of our friends. We were a beautiful picture made from millions of puzzle pieces that came together, and now your pieces are missing, and that beautiful picture is glitched, unrecognizable, and incomplete... I know that with time we will be forced to shift some our own pieces, cut out part of the picture completely, and maybe even fill them with pieces belonging to other people to make a completely new picture.

But you will never be gone... You shaped the edges of some of our pieces to fit yours and because of that - your presence will always be noticeable. 

During the time we collided, you left a mark on our lives that will always be there. And I can't help to start noticing the pieces of you in the mosaic of life; not only in my own but also in the people who love you. 

And as much as it pains me to say it - eventually we will learn to live without you. 

We will be ok.

I just really hope that you already are. 

[bumblebeerror]

thank you for your advice, bumble.

unfortunately, i don't think my life is going to be improving anytime soon. my life just got a whole lot worse.

i had a very terrible argument/fight with my mom (the only person i still talk to) on sunday, it escalated horribly and we haven't spoken or seen each other since.

this morning, she sent me a text saying that she will no longer be communicating with me at all, which means she's essentially going no-contact with me.

given that she was the only human being i interacted with, and she just said she's done with me forever, this means i don't have anybody left. on top on having no friends, i have also lost my family now. i have nobody but myself. i'm all alone now.

i know you don't want to hear this, but i don't have anybody else to tell.

anyways, i'll try the app out i guess. as for the whole seeing i therapist and getting on medication thing, even if i wanted to, i couldn't because i can't afford it. but i guess i will search for other healthy coping mechanisms.

i'd just really like to be a person who doesn't need any coping mechanisms to be happy and healthy. a person who can just exist in their natural state and be happy. one day i hope to be that, but i have doubts, considering i keep hitting new lows, day after day.

Buddy I’m gonna be so real rn and it’s not an attempt to make you feel worse - there is no human on this earth who doesn’t have some form of coping mechanism. Even neurotypical folks have coping mechanisms, they just happen to be taught along with most schooling and half-decent upbringings, so they don’t have to seek out new ones. They’re all built-in.

I can absolutely say without any doubt that every neurodivergent person I have ever met has the wish that they didn’t need to learn new coping methods in order to be happy. I don’t blame you one iota for wanting that - its the main objective of mental health and disability advocates that neurodivergent folks be accommodated for so that we aren’t all stuck in this struggle to find coping methods at all times.

I’m sorry you fought with your mom. Having that last bit of outside interaction shut down is a massive blow, I’m not surprised it’s made you feel real low. Is it possible at all for you to reach out to other family, even more distant ones? Even if it’s very surface level, it might help just to know you have people outside your home who you can talk to about little things. Not that I mind at all reading your messages - I was actually looking forward to your response now that we’re more chatting :D

If you want to try Finch, I’ll happily add you to my friends list on it, here’s my link: Tap the link to add me as a friend, or add my friend code W3G8G5RZAK if you’ve already started. I do hope it helps - there’s loads of mental health content on it, including a bunch of mental health “first aid” stuff, guided breathing exercises, journaling stuff, meditations, all that. App’s free, the membership just unlocks extra decorative items and more in-depth mental health activities. There’s a bunch of pre-made journeys with goals in them, if you’re already pretty good at day to day needs - groups of tasks that help you reach out to others or remember to enjoy your day in little pieces. Pressing the little cards icon will show you all that stuff.

[ If you’re worried about me knowing anything abt you, I can only see the name you enter and the name of your baby bird, as well as your bird’s house if you don’t turn it off. I can’t see anything else you do. ]

[svyat0s]

Oh, Nochesvetka has called me out on FM #Iwriteso. ⠀ Question number one: in the day or the night? In the night. Or in the early morning. I generally love welcoming the dawn, not waking up to it, but not lying down. Usually it transitions. But when I write with co-authors, we write all the time we have free from outside contacts, the days with the night confuse, just drift off to sleep when we need to think. ⠀ Question number two: only by inspiration or by hard self-imposed compulsion? By inspiration only. By self-coercion, I can edit, systematize, smoke the materials, well, do tedious non-writing work. I only write by inspiration. And process literary work when the hero has spoken out and has fallen silent. ⠀ Question number three: in a train or in your personal library with candelabras? Well, now I already haven't an emonarcomanic attacks, it's experience, so now, of course, "in my personal library with candelabras", I've already arranged all sorts of writing places, a bunch of different-sized laptops, swings with a view to Dooghee and tables, a rocking chair (we stole it from the last apartment, well, not stole, we bought it, as a matter of fact!) everything everywhere is made for sitting down and working as a creative person (tm) from instagram or whatever other false images. Comfortable keyboards were bought for the laptops (I don't like these modern arthritic buttons). Now already if the hero comes in "train", I just listen to the scene, ask questions, compose it, sometimes make notes or with wild typos write in the notes of the phone or in a paper notebook (I always have one with me), write down strong phrases of a hero. Then I come to the "library with candelabra" and write down as it should be with author's accents, because I already have time to think what to highlight in a hero's story, so that it would not be a song of akin - mountain going through, mountain singing out (a Russian proverb about senseless longtelling).

Question number four: three words a day (but what words!) or 100500 letters?

I've already said sad thing about it. I need, I really want writing three words a day, at least. Because a day in which I have not written anything (fiction, because I can write 20 posts a day, but that's all trivia), I think that I have not done anything important for my life. For myself it is clear, for happiness - every day is important for me. Loved ones are near, communication with them, enjoying love - this is the meaning of life. But you know that feeling, "Well, I've been batting all day, I haven't done anything" - I always have that feeling if I haven't written at least three words. Even if I've done a lot of work, translated, finished, added something to the site, worked on work, finished scripts, made translations, edited something. All this doesn't matter. But I don't get three words. I can only get 100500. Because it pisses me off when there are some things hanging around that aren't done, but have to be done. Because you sit down to write and they'll jerk you around. And those piled up unnecessary to-dos are always there. So I envy those who manage to write three words at a time, but what words. I'd like to. But I can't yet. Maybe because it's polite. Well, for example, I don't reply to personal messages if I'm busy and can't talk to my interlocutor for a while. That's why sometimes people I know complain that they see that I'm online, responding to comments, but I don't look at my personal messages. I had to explain that a comment is non-waiting thing for a reply right now. I can leave a comment and run offline to do something. And if I post in private and a person responds right away, especially if that private is a person we're just chatting with, it's kind of weird to run away. So I first do something that doesn't require further attention, and then I come to chat. And it's the same with heroes, it's a conversation for me too. The hero is pouring out his heart to you, and you say - oh, I have a lesson, wait, you'll tell me about it later. heroes are already shy, they are embarrassed. That's why you wait until everyone is off with their business and then you sit down to write. So it turns out that I can only write 100500.

Join, who writes. It's interesting for me, to read about you

[getmylife]

Update (Post-therapy appointment)

Completed August 28, 2023

So I had a consultation with a psychiatrist this week and when I tell you I feel so validated and justified. We haven't spoken about PMDD yet, but we're talking about ADHD, autism and OCD. When I tell you I'm both shocked and not surprised at all. These "diagnoses" (I'm using that word loosely because Idk that I've been diagnosed or it's just that I meet a lot of the criteria) just feel like one giant step in the right direction. #Soul

In light of figuring myself out and trying to improve my mental health, I'm taking a step back when it comes to all of the volunteer projects. I'm trying to see who I can get to take care of all my students when September comes, because I don't think I could make any strides forward if I'm stressing over after-school lessons. #World

When it comes to building, the tiles have supposedly arrived, but we're having trouble clearing them. Once that's sorted hopefully we'll get those laid and be one step closer to finishing. Last week we met with a joiner about closets, bathroom vanities and kitchen cabinets. We're organizing windows too. So it's all happening. Still a bit slow, but I'm grateful. #Den

I've been so good at writing lately. I finally got back into my current WIP and I've been sending it to one of my friends overseas as I write each chapter and she is so hyped it's inspiring. She's so excited about the story and so it makes me excited about the story and so I keep writing. I think I've sent her two chapters in the past four weeks which is incredible for me. #Pen

I've not found the willpower to take care of my skin with the products the dermatologist recommended. So my skin has been a challenge, but it's so much better than earlier this year. Also prune juice has been a win when it comes to bowel movements. Not there yet on hydration yet especially since it's been so stinking hot, but we keep on keeping on. #Bones

I have not used any of my instruments in way too long. I'm not beating myself up about that, though, which is good. The only thing is that when the psychiatrist asked what I do in my spare time, I didn't mention music at all (T.T) . My DuoLingo streak on the other hand is fire. I'm almost at my 250 days streak. Did I have to use a ton of streak freezes? (Yes), but this is still something to celebrate. #Tones

I do not know how to cook or drive, but I'm learning to live with myself LOL #Skills

I have a date with one of my cousins once he's back from vacation. We're supposed to go for ice-cream. So that's it for my social life. I also have been chatting a lot with my uni roommates. That's been fun. I've been watching Ted Lasso and an early 2000s Tarzan adaptation in my free moments. Been scrolling le TikTok and reading lots of fanfic. These have been anxiety inducing as of late, though. #Thrills

I got recommended three books by my psychiatrist so definitely some room for some sick #Quotes.

I've been fairly consistent with my Self-evals and I'd like to be consistent with these updates too #Notes.

[yvesdot]

NANOWRIMO 2021 - BINGO!

I have far too many writing priorities to focus on just one, so here's my compromise: listing them out in bingo format and doing a bit for each. At the same time as all this, I'll also be editing FC near-daily and keeping up with my Patreon. I'll update this post daily with what I worked on. Good luck, NaNoers, and best wishes to my fellow Rebels!

EDIT: NaNo is over in my timezone! Read through all my updates below, along with my final wordcount (I won!) and an updated bingo, below that cut.

NaNo ask game・my askbox

NOTE: I'm not marking the bingos bingoed until the end of the event; I don't want to consider something 'done' until I've literally run out of time to do it. Then we'll see how much I did and whether I think I've finished.

DAY 1: 8211. Spent 12 AM to 6 AM writing The Proposal and editing KAY Chapter 1 to send out for critique. The Proposal is about halfway done now, and I'm happy with my edits. Managed 10 minutes of FC edits right before midnight-- what a mess my middle is.

DAY 2: 1733. Busy day-- got some important Life Things done! Just enough time to write for about 45 minutes straight; 15 minutes fixing up FC's editing doc, then 30 minutes for this week's Patreon post.

DAY 3: 3063. Spent 40 minutes right at 12:00 AM looking over critique on KAY's Chapter 1, then another 30 or so throughout the day, then a bit more time editing The Proposal. The draft isn't as bad as I thought it would be! Still only 1/2 written, but what's there seems fun. I didn't know whether or not to count time I spent at a physical critique for KAY with other writers, but for now I won't since I simply do not seem to need it.

DAY 4: 2585. 20 minutes right at 12 continuing to read through The Proposal, just because I really find it that engaging. Of course, it is MILF4MILF. Later in the day, around 45 minutes writing up this week's Patreon post. Gotta go fast!

DAY 5: 1258. Friday, which is the toughest-- have to write just before Shabbat, and all I managed was the Patreon post.

DAY 6: 1800. Saturday. Came home and managed some more Patreon.

DAY 7: 2510. Spent the day getting all sorts of things done, but barely any time for writing; just Patreon again. Speaking of which: Patreon post is done! About winning NaNo and my journey there, of all things. Really wish I could get a little more Forest Castles in ;__; Hoping tomorrow I can do that as well as a little satirical piece I'm writing.

DAY 8: 3689. I returned to mortālēs and hit the end! It's all written! I may not know just how to attack editing it, but it's there, and that's what's important. Also managed to get my satirical piece in! No FC, though...

DAY 9: 2050. So thrilled to report I have returned to editing Forest Castles! This bit is like a difficult knot; it'll take me a while but will be very satisfying when I have it done. I've realized I spend a lot of time (30 minutes each way) on buses, so if I just take the first bus ride of the day to work on FC, I should in theory have no trouble hitting 15+ minutes of work on it a day. We shall see. Used this editing to begin cobbling together the next Patreon post (busy busy busy...) Hope to hit 50K by the 15th, though it looks like that'll be difficult.

DAY 10: 1881. Got some more FC editing done, then re-read/edited In Her Arms and did a little submissions research. It's a busy week, so I'm letting myself off the hook for not OAing today.

DAY 11: 2467. Some more light mortālēs editing, IIRC, and quite a bit of Forest Castles fun-- I watched Olympic-level sabre fencing and took some notes! I want to give Red, Avner, Eliza, and Ahava all their own distinct fencing styles.

DAY 12: 1151. How I wish I could've done more today. It was really just a bit of Forest Castles work and some waffling over other projects ;___; But, hey, Shabbat starts at 4:40 PM now. I'm going to have to kick myself into gear if I want to hit 50K by the 15th!

DAY 13: 2270. I think I managed a reasonable amount for Motzei Shabbat (post-Shabbat evening)! Posted this week's Patreon post and edited patterned seats, which I like but am worried nobody else will care about. The goal is 8K for tomorrow... we'll see if I hit it.

DAY 14: 8755. No, that is not a typo. I held an OHHOW stream (thanks to those who came!) and visited many more, and I wrote an unbelievable 8K+ words, from patterned seats to FC and finishing up with my Tell Me About The Nonbeliever outline.

DAY 15: 6695. I opened the day by writing out a new idea I've had recently (no title yet!) and later worked on an upcoming interview I have with beloved author Yah Yah Scholfield! I've just got to send the line edits back to them and we'll be releasing it ^__^ The bulk of my writing, though, was centered around my transition diary and the Nonbeliever outline from the other day. Finally, I spent a little time transferring some notes for FC into a Patreon post draft, so people can see how I've been developing that worldbuilding! No wonder I HIT 50K TODAY! Unimaginably thrilled.

DAY 16: 3402. I finished up that interview, worked a little more on the Patreon FC post, and edited more of my FC notes. I also streamed again today! Thanks so much to everyone who came ^_^ Nice to get back to normalcy.

DAY 17: 4611. A complicated bag of non-writing. Updated here, edited/submitted some flash fiction pieces, worked on my parallel post for Rebecca. Managed to work long enough to get a bit ahead on Shabbat this weekend!

DAY 18: 3523. Finished the parallels post and advertised a bit for the Blood & Breath zine overall (GET YOURSELF A COPY!) and began a short side story for Forest Castles.

DAY 19: 2402. Finished the side story at 1:00 AM. Help me! Then it was just a few more minutes of editing it left and right. I'm happy with the content; not so much with the syntax-- I'll have to take another look at it eventually. Did what I wanted to do, though, and great numbers for Friday! Shabbat started at 4:36 PM today.

DAY 20: 3200. Not thrilled about this number! Cleaned up some loose threads from the end of the week + worked on the TMATN outline, but wound up accidentally deleting the original parallel post and then funking up my 4tw word count and panicking over both. Took a lot out of me ;___; I hope to get more done tomorrow, so that I can get ahead on my 100K goal!

DAY 21: 4473. So happy! Not only did I hit a very high goal, but I also finished the TMATN outline! I'm sure it has some snags, but those are for later me to check out.

DAY 22: 3431. Today I hit 75K total! Of course, I am purposefully ahead about 1.8K of where I need to be to hit my goal of 100K, since I want to leave some wiggle room for Thanksgiving and Shabbat and Chanukah. Started working on the Hexagon outline just to move a bit further around the bingo board, and am quite enjoying it thus far.

DAY 23: 3188. Not ideal, but I got a bit done for Exhaustively and am attacking it in a new way.

DAY 24: 5538. Was accidentally moved to transsexual literary critique of an odd quote on writing, and decided to count it (since it'll go up somewhere eventually). Also did some Exhaustively work and got closer to finishing the mythical dialogue tags Patreon post.

DAY 25: 3901. Quite a bit of Exhaustively editing, and admittedly a lot of time spent fixing up my Twitch channel now that I have reached Affiliate status! Thanks so much for coming by ^__^

DAY 26. 2251. I broke 90K! Of course, I've purposefully kept ahead just for a day such as today; I knew I'd be writing less due to Shabbat. I'm very happy with what I did get done (mostly the Hexagon outline) and I hope to find some way to squash most of the rest of my bingo into tomorrow. We'll see how that goes... I was hit with some details of a new idea while on stream, so I might have to fight a few instincts.

DAY 27. 2900. I do wish I'd managed just 500 words more, but in fairness, the words came slowly-- I was working on a brand new short story for a weekly contest (couldn't be helped! plans to the wayside! inspiration takes no prisoners!) and I needed to think hard about it while writing. Broke some new research grounds and hit upon something quite nice and seasonal.

DAY 28. 4562. Finished Dressage-- that's the new short story that's shaking everything up. Edited some more Exhaustively, with my butt kicked into gear due to Max goose-books's birthday coming up in December-- I'll be binding it up into a paperback just for him!

DAY 29. 3354. Got some critique on and made some edits to Dressage. Edited Exhaustively right up until the end. Spent quite a bit of time cleaning up my Hexagon outline. HIT 100K!!!

DAY 29. 2721. Went over two problem bits in Exhaustively-- if Max signs off on them, the whole thing is finished (again)! Then switched to writing this month's Patreon Newsletter, since of course I wanted to reach the end of NaNo first. Happy NaNo! Updated bingo below, and an explanation below that.

Edit patterned seats: Done! It lacks spark, though; lacks that vital why did I write this?. I'll have to go to classic Bradbury sci-fi to see how he handled this issue.

Edit Exhaustively: Done! All that's left is to format it, put out an interest check, print a proof, etc.... This is a quite limited run, so I'm trying to relax a little ^__^

Write mortales: Done! I wrote all the way to the end, erotica and all. A writer I've shared some insecurities with wrote on the draft I handed them, you've embraced male nipples!

Write The Proposal: Begun! I've written approximately half of the draft. Another erotica, and one with a really cohesive plot; I quite like it. Hope to write more soon.

Submit Tragic Accident: Done! And several weeks to get a response, so all I have to do now is wait.

Submit YouTube Comment: Done! I got a rejection, and I'm glad I reached out. This is a really weird, niche piece, and I expect to get a hundred rejections before I find the exact right place.

Submit In Her Arms: Rethunk! This piece just isn't ready to go out. I love it, but I got a critique on it and just about nothing is working in there.

Outline Nonbeliever: Done! I'll go over it again sometime in the next few weeks to polish it up.

Outline Hexagon: Begun! Not remotely perfect, but making tons of progress on the plot.

Finish dialogue tags post: Begun! I hadn't touched this behemoth in months, and I added some words to it. I'll have to go back and re-read Your Father's Son (which I want to do anyway) and add in the relevant quotes from there... and then we'll be done!

FINAL WORDCOUNT: 103,574 words.