#FUCK SALEM

[the-elder-polls]

appalachia is devastated. towns i loved, towns i visited all the time, are gone. not damaged, GONE. they are leveled to the ground. there is nothing left but rubble and ruin. people are dead. appalachia is poor to begin with and relies on tourism for a lot of its income, and multiple of those tourist locations are just...gone.

my town is okay, but it's flooded and wrecked. trees are blocking all but one way out of our neighborhood. power lines are hanging limp in the roads. we've been without power for over 24 hours and will continue to be without power for likely another 24+. disabled people and poor people are GOING to die from this. gods save appalachia.

[w000ble]

go watch it

[salemoleander]

Was anyone going to tell me the Secret Keeper speaks in rhyme?

[killertoons]

HAHA BEST CHARACTER, SALEM SKUNK!!! 🦨💜

sorry rambley, I can't resist a villain with a purple science theme-

Or drama boy vain lions.

[hot-boy-autumn]

[itsmarsss]

32 for the kiss prompts (because if it doesn't invite stolitz I don't know what does lol).

And its 2:30am here so I'm going to bed, but the prompt you sent me will be out tomorrow :)

-Salem <3

32- a a kiss while someone watches...

…naturally. have i become unnoficial stolitz x reader nation?

warnings: established stolitz relationship, stolitz sex, implication of stolitz x reader sex, daddy kink, talks of having a threesome, im so tired rn if this is badly written im so sorry girly ily

you know… you, me and… someone else

Blitzø should probably have tried to find a more convenient way and some more convenient moment to talk about this.

It's not that it's impulsive. He's been rehearsing how to approach the subject for weeks now, but is there really a right way or a right time to ask your super lovey-dovey boyfriend if he'd be up for a threesome with your best friend without it sounding, like... really fucking wrong?

Maybe he should have planned a romantic night with rose petals on the bed and a bottle of wine and a bubble bath after fucking his brains out so good he saw stars and then eased the question in, but, man, he was getting fed up of thinking about it and not managing to say anything, so lying on the couch with Stolas draped on top of him with his weirdo telenovela in the background it would be.

"Hey. Stols?"

Stolas doesn't look away from the screen. "Yes, darling?"

"Can I ask you something without you getting mad at me?"

That seems to catch his attention. He looks up. "That makes me feel a lot like you're definitely going to say something that you already know will make me mad."

"No, it's just- just promise it already!"

"I'm getting worried."

"Stolas!"

"Alright! I promise. What it is?"

Oh shit he didn't think he'd actually be getting this far. "Have you ever... uh, you ever thought about a threesome?"

Stolas chokes on his own spit, eyes almost popping out of their sockets, and he pushes himself up off Blitzø now, sitting down next to him and facing him. "A what?"

"A threesome. You know... you, me and... someone else."

"Someone else? Like who?"

"Answer the question first!"

"I- uh. I can't say I have seriously considered that before. Have you been thinking about that?"

"A little. Are you mad now?"

"Not mad. Just... surprised, is all."

"Are you actually cool with that?"

"I did make a promise."

"It's not ‘cause I don't think you're enough or anything."

"Okay."

Blitzø feels like this is a trap. Why was he being so chill about this? He feels the need to keep explaining himself. "I just... ya know, I thought it could be fun. I mean shit we've tired almost everything there is to try, right? But we've never had a threesome."

"Do you think we would enjoy that?"

"You never had a threesome?"

Stolas only glares at him. Obviously he hasn't, dumbass.

"Oh. Right. Well, I mean, it can be good, can be bad, can be whatever. Kinda the same shit as it is with just two people."

"And who would you want to bring into bed with us?"

"Don't say it like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm trying to cheat on you."

"That is not what I'm doing."

It still feels like a trap, but what else was he to say than the truth? "Well. If you wanna know so bad. I could be down if y/n was down."

"Y/n... your best friend, y/n."

"You know, we can trust them, things would be comfortable. They’re not... bad to look at, either…”

Stolas stares down at him with an eyebrow raised, unamused. "If you're going to talk about this don't be a coward about it."

"Okay, I think they’re pretty hot and I've been thinking about fucking both of you for a while. But only if it's with you and only if you'd like it too. Or whatever.”

"How romantic."

"Don't be a dick, Stolas. I'm serious."

"No, that actually is very romantic coming from you."

"So. What'cha think about it? We don't have to do it. It's just a thought. Don't even know if they’d want to either."

"They would." Stolas states, as if that were obvious.

"What do you mean?"

"Have you really never noticed the way they look at the both of us?"

"What?"

"You know, at first I thought they just wanted to fuck you which, I will admit, it did make me a tad bit mad that they wanted my boyfriend like that. But then I noticed they were looking at both of us that same way. Especially when we're together."

"Wait, wait, wait, they’ve been giving me bedroom eyes this whole time? They’ve been giving you bedroom eyes this whole time?"

"If I'm not mistaken. I actually find it rather... endearing."

"And you never bothered to fucking say anything about it?"

Stolas simply shrugs. "Never came to mind. You can get pretty possessive, darling.” He cups Blitzø’s jaw with one of his hands, squeezing his cheeks together until he’s forcing Blitzø to pout. "I wouldn’t want to upset you."

Blitzø pushes his hand away. "So you find it endearing? What does that fucking mean? You into it?"

Stolas stops to think for a moment. "Yes, I suppose so."

"Oh shit. You saying we could do it?"

"Perhaps. Let me consider ir for a few days, will you?"

"Yeah. Yeah sure. Cool. Cool, cool, cool."

[. . .]

“Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.” Stolas repeats the word like a mantra, and he’s not sure if they’re meant for himself or for his boyfriend, but he couldn’t give a single fuck about it if he tried, because Blitzø has him with his back pressed to his chest, his legs spread wide so Stolas can sit pretty in between them with his own spread open as well. Stolas has his head thrown back onto Blitzø’s shoulder and his hips bucking up involuntarily into the vibrator Blitzø presses against his entrance, chasing a release pointlessly, as Blitzø’s still taking his sweet time before even considering pushing it inside of him.

He kisses Stolas’ neck as he moves the toy, playing with the pressure he holds it against his boyfriend’s body with before getting a twisted idea.

Stolas is still whispering something under his breath, and then Blitzø just stops. He halts all his movement, he retracts the hand that held the toy and he leans back on the bed frame, watching Stolas scramble to look at him in a mix of frustration and confusion. “What? Why’d you stop?”

“You’re gonna finish yourself off for me.”

“What? You can’t be serious.”

“Oh I’m dead serious, hun.”

“I- I-“ Stolas is actually going to let Blitzø know how frustrated that made him when Blitzø slaps him across the face.

“Now.”

Oh shit. Fucking right away, sir.

Stolas goes back into the same position he was just in, back flushed to Blitzø’s chest and head on top of Blitzø’s shoulder, and impatiently moves his hands straight to his hole, wasting no time in inserting a finger in, already plenty wet from the fun that was cut short. He lets out a lewd, needy moan right to Blitzø’s ear as he pushes that finger in entirely, and Blitzø eats that right up.

“Needy fucking whore, can’t even tease yourself a little can ya? I’ll tell you what, you make yourself cum once and daddy makes you cum twice later, yeah? How about that?”

And then Stolas says the absolute most wildest thing he could say at that moment, all heavy breaths and whines and moans and hoots.

“Why don’t we call y/n up? I bet they could get me off for you.”

“What? You can’t just say that, Stols.”

“Ha. Made you blush.”

“What- what?”

“I don’t want to get myself off. It’s no fun. I want your big hands and your big fingers and your big dick and-“

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. You’re not getting away with that one, Stolas.”

“I don’t plan to.”

“Oh you are so getting it.”

“That is the plan, yes.”

[. . .]

Blitzø is on his knees with his arms around the back of Stolas’ thighs and he laps up at Stolas’ gushing hole, the leg his boyfriend had hiked over his shoulder to grant him better access shakes and the grip he has on the base of his horns tightens. Stolas lets out the prettiest, most beautiful noises as he lets him ride out his high with his tongue deep inside him until he’s being literally kicked away for causing oversensitivity. He loves it.

He stumbles as his back hits the floor but quickly props himself up on his elbows to look up at Stolas, who looked so very hot when he decided he did want to take charge, may Blitzø add.

“So. Good, huh?”

He knows it was good. He could see it was good, feel it was good, hear it was good, even taste it was good.

“Very good, y/n- sorry, Blitz.”

“Oh fuck you.”

Stolas smiles in contempt at his own ‘slip-up’ but says nothing.

[. . . ]

Blitzø may not be the greatest at getting hints but he’s sure gotten this one. He’s already chill with the threesome thing not happening and he’s already thinking of what the hell he can do to make Stolas stop being passive-aggressive about it.

He gets it, alright? It wasn’t a good thing to suggest they do, and he did not want to be caught by surprise by any more sarcastic remarks about that while they’re fucking just so Stolas can prove that point.

He’s trying to come up with a way to approach Stolas about that this time when he gets home to moaning, which just gets him excited, expecting to find Stolas with his hand between his thighs, humping his vibrator at a perfectly convenient time to be 'accidentally' caught, only to be met, instead, with his boyfriend, in just his robes, making out with his half-dressed best friend on his fucking bed.

They're so enthralled they don't even bother pulling away from each other, even though Blitzø knows they've noticed his presence in the room, still entangled in passionate, hungry, aggressive kisses that brought out noises so dirty they belonged in a porno.

And all of that just from kissing? Oh this had to be a show.

Maybe he got the wrong idea from Stolas’ reaction, then.

He's sure of that when they do pull away, and Stolas puts on a very low-effort façade of surprise before exclaiming "Darling! I didn't know you would be home yet!"

"Yeah, that why you were 'bout to fuck my best friend?" He eyes you up and down, and you look down at the floor, nervous about his reaction to the ‘surprise’ Stolas had staged and so, so hotly asked if you would be up to.

"Well I couldn't help but think about that conversation we had last week. And wouldn't you know it, y/n has had similar thoughts too!"

Blitzø eyes you. "That true?"

You nod. "Sorry if it’s weird."

"What is weird is coming home to you making out with my boyfriend."

"Oh, shit, I didn't- Stolas said- I’m sorry.”

"Yeah. Sooo weird. And so fucking hot. "

Oh, this was gonna be a fun night if he's ever had one.

[marzipanandminutiae]

What if Good Omens were about two women (and no, don’t try me with that whole “they’re not technically men/they’re women sometimes“ deal. Yes, it is strictly speaking true, but it’s incredibly hard to tell when they’re being women on screen and they’re men most of the time)

What if IWTV were about two women

What if OFMD were about two women

What if all of these Tumblr darling shows were about women with sapphic romance or sexual tension. Cis women, trans women, women of various ages and races and classes and abilities

What if genre media about queer women got the same love from its showrunners and from fans alike that genre shows about M/M couples get now. What if that trend hadn’t briefly flared into glorious light in the 2010s and then died again

Damn I might actually watch those shows then

[hazbinshusk]

if there ever is a crossover between helluva boss and hazbin hotel, I really hope they bring stolas' beef with valentino with it because their sinsta interactions were gold

[likearolloftape]

susan: we'll go ben:

susan: how will we protect ourselves? ben:

susan pls you are stressing this man outtt

[wolfertinger]

what. the fuck. is this.

how dare you.

you will constantly talk about how race affects you. how america is cruel to poc and the less fortunate. then you turn around, and scream at a survivor of fucking genocide begging you for help. not even asking for any of the hundreds of dollars, you can easily get from your fan base in less than a day. money we know you have because you spent it, on stupid non necessities.

A GENOCIDE SURVIVOR BEGGED YOU FOR HELP AND YOU COULDNT BEAR TO HOLD YOUR ATTITUDE FOR 1 SECONDS. you just had to be a fucking asshole. because you are the number one victim arent you.

all this person wanted, was for you to share their donation post. your lazy ass cant even do that? because it is "clogging your blog" ? you can re blog your own stupid horny furry art, LITERALLY eleven times in a row, but you cant repost one single palestine donation post, because that is clogging your blog. selfish. absolutely disgustingly selfish.

you are so transparently selfabsorbed. i had bile in my throat seeing these messages. a fucking genocide survivor, had to comfort a whining first world furry on the internet , only to be screamed at for asking for help to escape literally being bombed. sorry. dont you know a crying queer furry on the internet, is more important than your life and your familys life.

you care about nothing, other than yourself salem.

[bittersweet-mojo]

Salem is not the biggest fan of horn guy.

[bestworstcase]

leans out a window. it is not salem’s fault that oz uses child soldiers to guard his fortresses. it’s not her fault that he made a deliberate strategic choice to recruit children into a war they didn’t even know they’re fighting. (and it certainly isn’t her fault that he’s been getting kids killed in training for decades before she made her first move!)

he has been trying to destroy her for thousands of years while salem lived in exile, not fighting back, until one of those grown-up child soldiers found out the truth and gave her something to fight for. if your defenders are all children because you set up your fortresses to masquerade as schools, if you for decades continually made the choice to use children as unwitting human shields then you don’t get to blame the enemy when children die on the front lines. YOU PUT THEM THERE.

[salemoleander]

Proposal: Give every player one Isekai Protagonist swap per Life Series.

This is both (evidently) funny as fuck, AND let creators invite friends onto the series without committing to them Officially Joining.

If someone has to be absent a second week they have to either pull a Grian and just be AFK or their substitute is Oli Orionsound. Their choice.

Some ideas for substitutes:

Joe Hills for Scar. Everyone assumes this will make Scar less deadly. It does not.

Zedaph for Joel. The entire server is covered in landmines and Joel has lost half his life by the end of this.

Doc for Jimmy. Likely to die horribly in funny ways and make threats they can't cash about it.

Fwhip for Impulse. If he claims he has a cold & doesn't talk with Skizz, he could get away with pretending to be Impulse for half an ep imo

Mumbo for Grian. Obviously.

Iskall for Etho. He hasn't played in vanilla for months, so a good match for Etho's knowledge of 1.19

Shubble for Scott. I'm imagining she can do a hilariously good imitation of his speech patterns, and an absolutely atrocious imitation of his voice.

False for Pearl. Equal wet cat energy, except even more deadly.

Pix for Ren (assuming he returns as planned next season). Ren's here, and he's GOING to make a narrative happen.

Gem for Bdubs. I want to see her mercilessly kill Etho multiple times, bc actual Bdubs will never let him live it down.

xB for Cleo. I want to see Cleo get 7 bow kills in a row. Also want to see xB's best British accent

[corpsebrained]

whats up saljer fans

[salemruinseverything]

canon chosen height

[hazbinshusk]

i'm just going to have to accept that i'm going to always be torn over oops because it's so damn perfect and I wouldn't trade the blitzfizz of it all for anything, but I will also be here wondering what we could have gotten if stolas had seen blitz in that video crimson sent too.