#FOP April Fool

[hopefuldelusionflower]

Fairly odd parents fairies

[lethality-of-dual-strike]

not to worry folks I’ve made more crackship kids

basis for ships below

They’re NEXT to each other you don’t understand— *pelted with rocks* I live for crack shipping and making fankids it’s so unreasonably FUN

[benzshroomart]

another April Fool (alt form) drawing I did in....idk end of january or early february lol im barely aware of the passage of time these days

(♡´౪`♡) if you wanna know why the April Fool has an alt form, you'll have to keep track of my updates with my comic coming out March 31st of this year!

[coolmika745]

My thoughts contains spoilers to the episodes Santa Claus appeared in.

Santa Claus first appeared in the “Oh Yeah! Cartoons” episode called "The Temp". He came by Timmy’s House because he was looking for an elf worker named Jeff. He makes a cameo in the next episode called "The Zappy's" at the Fairy World's Award Contest.

In the first season episode "Christmas Everyday" Timmy wished that everday was Christmas because he was sad it was over. Baby New Year, Cupid, April Fool, and Easter Bunny weren't happen about this and planned to destroy Santa out of revenge.

Santa is a businessman who runs factory throughout the year at the North Pole, but on Christmas Eve, the fairies lend him power to transform him into the Santa Claus figure that most people think of; however, he looks different than he did in the pilot episodes and also there is a plot hole due to the fact that in the pilot episodes, he wasn't require to have fairy magic to obtain this form, but I like the concept of Santa being a businessman.

Mrs. Claus also made an appearance in "Christmas Everyday" and she is a secretary at her husband workshop. She sort letters and check who is on the Naughty List.

In the second season of Fairly Oddparents "Boys in the Band", Santa Claus was part of cosmo Boy Band called "The Fairies" who were known for their poor performance. Santa was the drumer. The other two members were the Olympian god Pan who played the pan flute and Ludwig van Beethoven played the electric organ (no explanation was give on how he was brought back from the dead).

Santa made a cameo appearance in Season 3 in the episode animated movie Abra-Catastrophe along with the other holiday representatives when Timmy is awarded a magical cupcake. Jeff the elf from the pilot episode also made a cameo.

Santa appeared again in "Fairly Idol" in season 5 and he looked more like the Santa from the "Oh Yeah! Cartoons". In the episode Chester became Norm the Genie's Master and then later on he became Chester's Fairy Godparent by cheating in the contest in Fairy World. Anyway, Chester thought that the penguins in the Nole Pole were cold and wished that the North Pole would be warm. Note that penguins live in Antarctica not the Arctic in real life, but the writers probably didn't do the research or just took an artistic license.

Anyway Santa decides swam across earth after this and became a womanizer.

Santa as well as Mrs. Claus appeared in "Merry Wishmas". After all the kids didn't get the presents they wanted for Christmas, Timmy wished that everyone would get "Wish Granting Coupons" in the mail. After Vicky wasn't satisfied and wanted more gift she wished for, more coupons overloaded her mailbox and came flying out, which allowed more people to grant wishes. This put Santa out of a job; therefore, Santa and Mrs. Claus went to live at Timmy’s house afterwards. Mrs. Claus has seemed to took on an older appearance. They are immortals after all and they can choose to look old or young, but her personality seems to be different too from the one in "Christmas Everyday".

I will make a separate post about the live-action movie.

Fairly Oddparents Santa Claus

Since it is almost Christmas time. I am planning on watching every episode as well as the movie Santa Claus appeared in and give my thoughts.

[the-fairly-oddparents-unofficial]

Fairly Oddparents Season Two Title Cards

Boys in the Band

Hex Games

Boy Toy

Inspection Detection

Action Packed

Smarty Pants

Super Bike

A Mile in My Shoes

Timvisible

That Old Black Magic

Foul Balled

The Boy Who Would be Queen

Totally Spaced Out

The Switch Glitch

Mighty Mom and Dyno Dad

Knighty Knight

Fairy Fairy Quite Contrary

Nectar of the Odds

Hail to the Chief

Twistory

Fools Day Out

Deja Vu

Information Stupor Highway

Scary Godparents

[anastasia1296]

1st art for 2025 year

[fountainpenguin]

Can I ask on your headcannon on how the darkness formed?

Not without #ridspoilers!

Major spoilers for "This Is Halloween" (Only posted on FFN)

Warning for all caps 'fic excerpt below the cut, along with (/checks notes)... a baby getting unraveled into yarn that's ripped straight out of his body by a dragon god. It's fine.

Spirits Overview

At the end of the "Wishology" trilogy, Timmy turns the Darkness into the Kindness / Yellowness. I've always interpreted this to mean it was the Yellowness in the first place (Light, possibly), but became corrupted in some way over time.

In Cloudlands AU, many magical forces are also known as nature spirits. Fairies tend to see them in physical forms while Anti-Fairies tend to see them as living creatures. These spirits appear several times throughout my Anti-Cosmo backstory 'fic (Frayed Knots), as well as "First Things First" (When Tarrow's 7 sons are children); we see several during "This Is Halloween" as well.

Ex: To Anti-Fairies, the Hocus Poconos is just as alive as the Darkness is. The April Fool and Easter Bunny are both nature spirits too, representing springtime.

I count Yellow as the firstborn spirit... the embodiment of Reality. Anti-Fairies call him the cosmic jellyfish, believing his tentacles reach all across the universe. His natural opposite is Unreality (the Hocus Poconos), who is his ex. They had one kid together. Reality's third kid was born of his tears when the Hocus Poconos dumped him.

Anti-Fairies are creatures of balance and are always running around trying to keep the spirits happy. There's an upcoming arc in my works where Anti-Cosmo is trying to babysit the embodiment of Pixie World (who is a toddler in parallel to Pixie World being a brand new micronation at the time) because H.P. can't see him.

I had a whole arc in Frayed Knots where Anti-Cosmo got captured by the spirit of life (The hen goddess alluded to in "Chicken Poofs"), who wanted him to babysit her kids, but I don't think that'll make it into the final product.

Click HERE for additional nature spirit resources if this lore interests you. Link goes to the #RD nature spirits tag on my FOP sideblog.

Reality

Reality was born when space and time merged together; he grew from atoms and took on solid/ethereal form. He has many forms, such as the scarlet jellyfish or yellow dragon.

It's widely considered inappropriate to represent him with yellow in Fairy World because that color is reserved for the Fairy Elder. The red jellyfish is the much more common form, so much so that in modern times, it was forgotten the red jellyfish and yellow dragon represent the same deity.

Once Reality had his form, he created conscious forms for time and space, who became his parents (Mother Nature and Father Time). They formed new spirits over time.

In the A New Wish spin-off ("1500 Minutes of Fame"), when Father Time says he can't bend the rules for Hazel because he'd "get in trouble with his boss," he's referring to Reality.

The Darkness

I haven't given much thought to Reality's downward slide. For the most part, he keeps to himself. He's a notoriously absent father and is usually drifting aimlessly through space... hence his association with a brainless but sprawling jellyfish.

Reality's 7 kids embody the elements on the Fae zodiac. They're admired by Anti-Fairies, but tend to be selfish. Anti-Wanda is the mortal host to the Sky spirit and Anti-Cosmo to the Water spirit. Foop is due to become host to the Breath spirit when he's of age, but he desperately doesn't want to share his body with that guy... We'll see a whole arc about this towards the end of my 130 Prompts series.

Reality's job is to fix cracks in time and space, preserving the FOP universe the way it is. For example, Jimmy Neutron can jump into this universe, leaving Reality to patch cracks between worlds.

I like to think that Reality went by that name for much of his existence, but after the events of "Wishology," he starts reclaiming his identity as Yellow, as Timmy helped him push through feelings of abandonment, despair, and self-loathing.

Because he's a major spirit, you won't see him in the cloudlands unless it's incredibly important. He spends a lot of time guarding a magical fountain that provides the cloudlands with magic, relaxing in his golden dragon form. Still an absent dad, but #not as big a jerk as he could've been.

'Fic Excerpt

Here's an excerpt from a 'fic of mine (Identity Theft) where we see Yellow in his godly element (in Season 7, post-"Wishology"). This draft is on long-term hiatus, but I'd like to post it around 2027-28 when I'm hopefully done with my other FOP longfics. We'll see...

It delves into Foop's childhood trauma and DID. Chapter 1 here depicts Foop in the alt universe he was sent to at the end of S7's "Playdate of Doom."

---

That blinding snap of magic plunged straight through the center of his forehead and down his spine. Foop doubled forward first, unable to form thoughts- let alone protests. 

Then Yellow ripped the soul straight out of him, flinging Foop’s head back with whiplash. In fact, he lost his head completely. It unraveled into stripes of yarn. Yarn which Yellow, quiet on his haunches, twirled through the air in glowing loops and spirals. It floated around his spread claws. He had fourteen great hands now, and that didn’t include his fourteen draconic legs. Had he always had so many hands? Or was it suddenly so few?

A DSTOORMLOEIOSTPTAIIRNCYG CHILD WITH A MIND THAT WISHES

MOST CURIOUS

EXPOSE ME TO YOUR CORDS OF LIFE AND LAY YOUR SOUL BARE.

The yarn continued to unravel, eating away at Foop’s flesh. Soon there was nothing left of him but his toes, and then those too were torn away. The young anti-fairy (or the matter which had once comprised a young anti-fairy) found itself left with nothing but smoke. Yellow held the yarn suspended, studying a small section of it between each pair of his hands. When he pinched with his talons, a screech burst in ancient agony from a place that didn’t exist.

WHAT MAKES A CHILD?

THIS CHILD IN PARTICULAR

YOU ARE YOU

YOU MAKE YOURSELF OUT OF CIRCUMSTANCE

YOU ARE ATTENTIVE TO DETAILS FORGOTTEN

YOU ARE NOT INTIMIDATED BY STRUGGLE

YOU ARE FLUID WITH EXPRESSIONS

YOU MAKE YOUR DESIRES CLEAR

YOU ALLOW YOUR PASSIONS TO EMBRACE YOU

AT TIMES YOU BECOME CARRIED AWAY

BUT

YOU ARE AFRAID TO FAIL

AFRAID TO STOP

YOU DO NOT BELIEVE YOURSELF DESERVING OF REST

TO YOU, WORK IS ENDLESS

TO YOU, REST IS AGONY

PUT ME DOWN! the mind that had belonged to Foop screamed from nowhere, but those words were warbled as though strung together on a thread. Yellow did no such thing. He frowned.

I HAVE SEEN THIS PATTERN SOMEWHERE BEFORE

IN FACT I HAVE SEEN IT MANY TIMES

REPETITION

REINCARNATION

KARMIC FLOW

OLD STORIES

OLD DEATHS

IF I COULD ONLY REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I ALLOWED YOU TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN BODY OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND OF FATE… 

~W~H~A~T~H~A~V~E~Y~O~U~D~O~N~E~T~O~M~E~?

~P~U~T~M~E~T~O~G~E~T~H~E~R~A~G~A~I~N~!

Bonus scene of Foop trying to get the nature spirits to guide him out of Fae heaven and back to the mortal world, because I wrote this circa 2018 and it still makes me laugh:

Foop stood there, paralyzed. The only coherent thought streaking through his mind was, Don’t make chicken jokes if you want to live, don’t make chicken jokes if you want to live.  Because from the waist up, the Prince of Leaves looked fairly normal, albeit with smooth skin as black as the midnight sky and mottled with glowing white and yellow stars. Not to mention four arms. But from the waist down, his lower half mimicked that of a resplendent rooster. Foop’s second coherent thought was, Why does a supposedly perfect demigod need to wear glasses?

[scrambled-mirror-10]

Fairly Oddparents: After Fairy Fairy Quite Contrary

Since A New Wish, I have returned to the FOP fandom. Recently, I've been re-watching some old episodes when something occurred to me.

Spoiler Below

So at the end of Season 2, Episode 9 (Fairy Fairy Quite Contrary), Remy loses the magical duel, losing Juandissimo and getting his memory wiped. Timmy, feeling bad, wishes for Remy and his parents to spend more time together. The ending shows Remy and his parents on a deserted island, where he meets Juandissimo again, who is disguised as a turtle, and he briefly has a moment of realization before deciding to eat him.

In Season 5, Episode 16, Remy returns. It's later revealed that Remy's parents somehow started a resort and oil business on the deserted island and went back to ignoring him. Juandissimo, disguised as a coconut, hits Remy on the head, resulting in him regaining his memories. It's also revealed that it was Jorgen's plan to get Juandissimo to be Remy's godparent again but that's not what I'm focused on.

My question is: how long were Remy and his parents on that deserted island? The show doesn't exactly state how long they were stranded. Juandissimo says he roamed around Fairy World for many months. But how long is "many months"?

I know this might be a stupid question but I'm curious. Did no one care that the Buxaplentys were missing? They must have known they were missing because Chester asked what the deal was with their disappearance. Remy says they were on an uncharted island but did no one think they might've been dead? Did Timmy not care that he could've accidentally killed the Buxaplenty because it was on an uncharted deserted island and Remy did not have Juandissimo to help him?

Okay, yeah his parents started businesses on the island but how? How were they able to do that in the first place? Did the Yacht still have intact communication? Did they just choose to stay on the island? If they started a resort and an oil business on the island, people must've known where they were...meaning they weren't missing. Did Remy not go to school or did they hire someone to take his place like in Season 9, Episode 16 (Country Clubbed)?

It might not matter because the show's continuity is inconsistent. It might've been a one-off thing for Remy Rides Again but the thought randomly came to my head.

Edit: I just re-watched "Scary Godparents," it now hit me that we have seen the Buxplentys again when Timmy is trick-or-tricking. Remy's dad is at their mansion; meaning they got off the island (I wonder when 'Fairy Fairy Quite Contrary' takes place; I'm going to assume late winter/early spring because of the April Fool's Day episode that came out before the Halloween special). Now I'm wondering why Chester asked about their disappearance or why Timmy does not remember that he already saw Remy's dad and thus should put together that Remy himself would also be there too. I assume they didn't have any plans to bring back Remy after 'Fairy Fairy Quite Contrary' or at least not too soon. Until "Remy Rides Again', Remy would have no memory of Juandissimo and have altered memories of Timmy, they could've had some scene of Remy beefing with Timmy but not knowing the exact reason why. Maybe some mention of him throughout the seasons.

[wxldhxrt]

Prompt 012 - Godling of the Hunt...

Unable to attend the Trial of Chronos, Greyson stayed behind at camp while his fellow Godlings travelled through time and space, rewritting it entirely. No one can truly say what happened to the original Greyson, was he dissolved into the fabric of time and space alone, all his allies gone? Never to know their fates? Who's to say.

All that is clear is that the Greyson Darcy now at camp, is not entirely the one they knew....

Changes in the timeline to the godling of the wilds

Greyson is no longer the son of Pan but instead the son of Artemis.

He was born in London, UK and raised by his single father James Darcy - a man who loved the natural world and instilled this love into his son.

For the first few years of his life it was just Greyson and his father until James met the sweetest woman April, who he was quick to marry. The three were happy, a perfect family.

Grey did well at school, he loved biology just like his father, who taught at Oxford.

Tragedy first fell when at the age of 8, Greyson lost both his parents to a terrible car accident.

Lost and alone in the world, Greyson went into the foster system. It was a tough life, passed from home to home, the troubles of teenaged youth making him angry - but he always found solace in the things he'd used to love with his father, such as the natural history museum.

When he turned 18 and aged out of the system, Greyson decided to pursue the career he'd always dreamed of - animal conservation. He travelled around the world working with many different species, raising them, caring for them, protecting them.

On his travels Greyson met Adam Darkwood, a charming man who instantly swept the young Greyson off his feet. They began to date, eventually returning to London, where Greyson was treated to a life of luxury - but this came at a price.

While Greyson never officially knew what Adam did for a living, he was no fool. The man held a criminal empire within London's darkness, and his possessiveness knew no limits. He tried for years to tame the wild boy, but could never truly own him they way he desired.

Fate struck twice and put Ender Malikov in his path, an enigmatic and thrilling man from Russia - it was like they were drawn together by something more than themselves.

Ender helped Greyson break free of Adam and the two carved out a life together, married in the Natural History Museum in honour of Greyson's family.

When they answered the song, Greyson discovered his true mother was the Goddess Artemis - he was the son of Hunt, the wilds were his domain.

There are few changes to Greyson's life at camp, his cubs are still with him as well as Fop.

His appearance is relatively the same only lacking much of the ink, and perhaps a little broader. His personality is fairly unchanged, a little friendlier maybe, but still as feral as the beasts he can become.

[theinsanecrayonbox]

FOP: A New Wish e13-16

well i thought this was supposed to be the end, but the wiki now says there's a 17th episode??? hm.....

Episode 13: Stanky Danky

Talking Trash? Wasn’t that an episode. And haven’t we done 2 episodes about garage already? The magical garage ep where Big Daddy was introduced, and an ep where the woodland critters were made to clean up? I mean garbage is a standard topic for children cartoons…and Hazel is set in an urban setting so the garbage problem is different compared to suburbia

Dale Dimmadome!! That’s not Robbie though wiki…anyways, wow Dale I think you’ve outdone your dad for money grubbing. No wonder Dev is the way he is. Good job story!

Again the normal citizens are unfazed by magical creatures

Hey Dev does know Hazel’s name!

2d Dale. Ffft Dimmazon. Can’t remember if that’s been established already but lol

Real live action footage?? O.o??

But ok you know standard kid show plot but it wasn’t bad. I felt it could’ve done more to promote recycling instead of “just don’t buy things” but hey. Also returning character in Dale with very modern development (Doug was an old oil tycoon so Dale being Elon Musk makes perfect sense).

Episode 14: Peace of Pizza

Wait now we’re doing mobsters? The garbage ep was the previous one lol

I love the random kid names at the bottom of the list

Space peas…to convince Dev to be nice…APRIL FOOL??? Ah uh ahem anyways, so…are we VeggieTales/Care Bears/Space Chicken Brothers this

What kind of a child hates pizza btw? I get that’s why this is so wild, but really Dev why do you hate pizza? You’d think getting rewarded for doing the bare minimum would be his jam. It it just the fact he doesn’t want to share?

Hostage negotiations??? Dawwwww Dev does just want his father’s love and affection

Oh Dev is lactose intolerant that’s why he hates pizza….pffft lame. Also why don’t you know about the no dairy pizza, you’re rich! Does Dale not believe in your lactose intolerance?

2d Hazel and Dev!

Ok so it was a fun silly premise that gave a lot of development to a secondary character. Good job.

Episode 15: A New Dev-Elopment

And looks like Dev is going to continue getting development here too. Ok, show me what you got

Dimmadelphia is a giant square…and they have a water park

Hah! inadvertently making a wish that gets you stuck together for the plot. You go girl beating the boy at the game XD

Dawww they’re getting along, Dev acting like a normal kid is good. And haha he admitted he knows her name. Wait his name is actually Devon, cool

Awww Dale ruining the fun by wanting to throw money around. But Crimson Chin poster!! But also dawwww don’t slip backwards Dev you can be a nice boy if you want to be :(

Dawww he’s apologizing. He can learn. And even after ruining her fantasies he then played into them. Good character arc!

So is Dev gonna be a friend now?

Hey credits do say that adult Timmy IS Timmy O.o!!!! What timeline IS this???

Ahem anywhos, very good episode. Super on the character development, very low magic (technically almost none really). So great job.

Episode 16: Cookie's Court

This one is a follow up/sequel to a previous episode huh? Took the original series forever to do that, so it’s nice to see it happening much sooner here. Plus I feel this series is a tad more linear

Another space adventurer wish? Didn’t the previous episode open this way? Yeah they even point out this is a sequel, ok

Hey there’s a photo of Poof in the Cosmos house. So…that narrows which timeline this is…

Nobody likes a clip show either, which that montage isn’t really so…you win I guess

A con for folktales and mythical stuff? Is Crocker a guest speaker?

Cosmo nearly blowing their cover is typical. But a court show parody? Haven’t we done that before? And are kids really going to get that?

Another godkid being a lawyer. Love it

Why would Hazel get a reassignment for a reveal? Any other time a reveal meant removal and memory wipe.

Nice to see Fairy World Prison again.

But so yeah…kind of a weak episode. I get it we’re developing a long running villain I guess, but…meh just doesn’t do it for me. Which is again fine, I’m not the target demographic and it doesn’t make it bad.

So I’m glad that there’s more still to come…at some point…here’s hoping New Wish doesn’t follow its predecessors and take multiple years to release 1 season X.x but overall I say good job to the team on this; you seem to know what you’re doing and I look forward to more.

[jadeyarts]

happy april fools day!

[vampiredrooling]

“I just flew in from Fairyworld and BOY are my arms tired!!”

[lethality-of-dual-strike]

in case you were wondering who I shipped Cupid with, it’s,,,,,a lot,,,,a lot of guys. he’s just so shippable though I can’t help it help me cupid help me break through this art block with gay

[emcads]

hon hon hon

[allywrites-aceauthor]

"Trial," Apollo huffed, hyping himself up.  "Trial trial trial." He bounced on the balls of his feet.  "I'M APOLLO JUSTICE AND I'M FINE!" he yelled to no one in particular.

Trucy was scrolling through her phone.  "After yesterday, I've been looking up memes from the 2010s," she explained to Apollo.  "I actually found a good video explaining some of them. You might need it for the case, since the victim was memed to death." Apollo looked at what Trucy was showing him.

The video began, starting out with a catchy beat, when the voice of Richard Paul Astley blared through Trucy's speakers, singing, "We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I."  Apollo facepalmed. Trucy giggled manaically.

"Trucy, this is SERIOUS!" Apollo shouted.  "My boyfriend is facing the death penalty!"

"The death penalty?" Trucy asked, surprised.  

"Yes the death penalty!  It's always the death penalty!"

"Yikes... So uh... Who's the prosecutor?  Now that Klavier's the defendant..."

Apollo sighed.  "Franziska Von Karma."

Trucy jumped back.  "Von Karma's prosecuting and you're not wearing armor?  I'm surprised, Polly, I didn't know you were this brave!"

He stared blankly for a second, then got it.  "OH HER WHIP!" he cried.

"Yeah!  Exactly!  You're a gosh darn idiot, Polly!"

"Oh shoot, I am."

The trial began, and Prosecutor Von Karma seemed to lack her usual accessory.  "Would the prosecution please begin their opening statement."

"Very well then.  On April the 20th, the foolishly foolish fool sitting in the defendant's seat was performing at a concert. He was being heckled by the victim,  one Cannaz Chisburger. Later, Mr. Chisburger was found stabbed in the face until death, with a note that said 'Stabbity dabbity. Dab on the haters, your life has been yeeted to me' in the defendant's handwriting.  That is all," exposited Franziska.

Apollo gulped.  He was facing off against THE legendary Franziska Von Karma.  Her. Whip lady.  

"Why are you staring into space, foolish fool?" Franziska questioned smarmily.  Apollo flinched, assuming she was going to whip him. Instead, Franziska whipped... and then nae-naed.

"The FUCK?" Apollo mumbled to himself.

"Polly?  What was that?" Trucy asked, a little scared.

"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me."

"Oh."

Franziska took a deep breath.  "Detective Faraday recommended I work on my... anger management.  She chose this foolish dance move for me instead of my usual choice of emotional outlet."

Apollo let out a, "thank goodness".  He was nae-naed at again by an angry Franziska.  

"Order in the court!" the judge shouted.  "I have allowed a lot in this court but I will NOT allow a dance-off!"

"So Mr. Wright can cross-examine a parrot but two sensible lawyers can't have a dance-off?  Ridiculous, your honor," Apollo said instantaneously.

"I'll have you know that parrot was an important witness, Mr. Justice," retorted the judge.

"Not according to Manfred Von Karmaaaaaaaaaaaashit."  Franziska stared daggers at him. Apollo gulped. "Anywho, case!  Is there a witness?"

"Well, first we have Detective Ema Skye.  If she would please approach the stand…?"

Ema stepped up to the witness stand.  "What's up, fuckers. I'm Ema Skye, I'm a Snackoo because you are what you eat, and I also do detective shit I guess.  But that doesn't matter."

Apollo cringed a little.  "Ema, no-"

"Ema yes!  I'm the best detective you got on this case so do you want to lose horribly or find out facts from Ema Skye the Science Guy?"

He sighed.  "Ema Skye the Science Guy, please."

"That's what I thought! Now," Ema said, holding up a whiteboard, "the crime scene looked like this." She divided the whiteboard into four quadrants.  "There were four dressing rooms, each with some mirrors in them. The first room had one screen." She drew one vertical line in the first quarter. "The second and third had two." Four vertical lines were drawn all together in the next two quadrants.  "And in numero quatre, we have two mirrors as well, but…" One vertical line and one horizontal lines were added. Apollo stared at it for a second, then facepalmed.

"Ema, this is just Loss!!!"

"No, it's the crime scene!"

"You foolish fool!  It's the crime scene!"

"What's Loss?" Trucy mumbled.  Apollo just stood there, floundering.

"At a LOSS for words, huh?" Ema said smugly.  

"Shut up Ema."

"Sorry.  Anyway, the victim's body was dragged through all four dressing rooms, ending up here." Ema circled a point in between the final two folding screens.  "Someone saw the Fop dragging the body with a knife wedged in its forehead."

"A perfect segue to our next witness, Anna Gorl," Franziska said.

A middle-aged woman with bleached blonde hair that went over one shoulder, like Klavier's.  She had a spray tan and wore a Gavinners tank top.

"Witness!" Franziska demanded, doing the whip.  "Name and occupation!"

"Anna Gorl, number one Gavinners fan!" she squealed. "I can't believe I'm in the presence of THE Klavier Gavin."

Apollo slammed his desk.  "Impossible! I'm the number one fan of the Gavinners!"

"Name ten of their hit singles," she challenged.

"Wh- MY BOYFRIEND IS IN THE BAND!"

"Oh… honey," she said condescendingly.  "You know Daryan's not in the band anymore."

Klavier piped up.  "Fräulein, I am his boyfriend."

"Oh…"  She looked disappointed.  "I just assumed because of the hair…"

"I WAS THE ONE WHO PUT DARYAN IN JAIL!" Apollo cried, incredulous.

Franziska cleared her throat, getting everyone's attention.  "Witness! Your testimony!"

"So, I was backstage after the concert, when I saw Klavier arguing with that one rude man.  All of a sudden he did that dance thing that all the kids were doing ten years ago. Then he was dead.  I followed him when he dragged the body around. I saw him write the note."

"Fräulein, who, pray tell, invited you backstage?" Klavier asked.

"I- er-"

"My witness snuck backstage.  What of it?" Franziska said snottily.  Klavier cursed under his breath.

"Hold on one second.  Ms. Gorl, Did you REALLY see Klavier Gavin?"

"Of course!"

"Say you saw Klavier Gavin with the body again, please."

"Alright, I saw Klavier Gavin dragging the body." Apollo's bracelet tightened.  He saw her smile droop a little whenever she said Klavier Gavin.

"Gotcha!  Did you really see Klavier Gavin?" Apollo yelled.

"I er- uh-"

"Maybe you just saw… yourself?  In one of the mirrors, I mean," Apollo suggested.

"B-But the note!" Franziska stammered.  "That was in Piano's handwriting! What about that?!"

"Why would a murderer write a note?!" Apollo questioned.

"He wanted attention, foolish fool."

"Are we sure that was his handwriting?  Not just a forgery?" 

Franziska looked incredibly offended.  "Are you implying that I would forget evidence?"

"Nononono not at all!  I'm saying the real killer… like… Ms. Gorl, do you happen to have Mr. Gavin's autograph?"

"Oh yes!" she replied proudly.  

"Then you could have EASILY analyzed and replicated his handwriting."

Anna gasped.  "But- but why would I-"

"Simple.  You're the real killer."

"Objection!" Franziska shouted.  "We have no proof it WASN'T your client."

Apollo thought back on the note.  "Actually… Ms. Gorl, what does 'yeet' mean to you?"

"Uh, taken away from and given to, I suppose, why?"

"Now, Klavier, tell us what yeet ACTUALLY means."

"To throw, why?"

Apollo smirked.  "Klavier Gavin, a true member of Gen Z, would NEVER misuse yeet like it was in the note.  What do you have to say, Ms. Gorl?"

"I- er- I-" she started crying.  "I DID IT!"

Klavier was given a not guilty verdict.  They regrouped in the lobby.  

"Herr Forehead, why did she do it?" Klavier asked, a bit concerned.

"Well, she says she's your number one fan.  She couldn't let it slide when someone heckled you.  So she did what she thought she had to."

Klavier hugged Apollo and they were kind of having a moment when Rick Astley's gorgeous voice blared from Trucy's phone.

[seanhowe]

Against Woodstock

“Rock Imperialists” by Mark Kramer, Liberation News Service, 1969 NEW YORK (LNS) The list of stars who will show up at the Woodstock Rock Festival this August is mighty impressive—as fine as any ever. There's everyone: Joan Baez, the Who, Joe Cocker, Janis Joplin, the Jefferson Airplane, Ravi Shankar, Blood Sweat and Tears, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Richie Havens, Canned Heat, Arlo Guthrie,, Tim Hardin, Johnny Winter, the Band, Iron Butterfly, The Grateful Dead and the Incredible String Band, for example. The arrangements to help you spend three days in the wilds sound as impressive as the list of stars—free campgrounds, ample water and outhouses; free rice kitchen for the poor and hungry; catering by Nathan's of Coney Island craft booths which might just be bivouac head shoppes, and which might be craft booths. So the rock imperialists deliver the goods. When you want a banana, United Fruit sells a good banana. And when you want a rock festival, Woodstock Music and Art Fair, Inc., sells a good rock festival—at $7 a day. The Guatemalans who grew the bananas get to eat an occasional bruised model. And the street people, the denizens of the lower east side, of the Haight, let them eat free rice and maybe they'll hear the sounds wafting out past the gates. But they made the culture which the rich fops imitate. Walk down St. Marks Place in the East Village and dig the crowd on either side of the velvet rope which separates those with the bread ($10 a couple) to get into the Electric Circus from those who beg spare change to buy a knish. On the rich side, the same outfits as on the poor side, except ironed and cut from finer cloth—bell bottoms, groovy vests, mucho hair, svelte girls in granny glasses. On the poor side, it's hip...on the rich side, it's a shuck, it's an imitation of Hip. It's fancy boutique clothes cut to look like the old surplus clothes which the street people once wore out of poverty, thereby creating a style. For some, the dress constitutes a case of 'going native' for a night on the Bowery. For others it's simply high fashion. The impulse for kids to dress 'well' is plugged in nasty trend-setting magazines like "Seventeen" and supported by the huge cloth and garment companies, the cosmetics companies and the hygiene-freak companies. The sales job for fashion is easier than others—for the styles come complete with a built-in image. Marlboro has to spend millions to rope together its cancer-sticks and he-manhood. But the Fashion-Makers have it easy this year, because the clothes styles which they plug were once part of a genuine revolutionary and romantic lifestyle. So America's teenagers are exploited by big companies that hold 'lifestyle' out as bait. "BUY THIS AND YOU WILL BE..." You will be what? Hip? You'll own another piece of snappy clothing, you'll be able to crowd the poor girl down the block still further, you'll earn your ticket to daydream about running toward him through tall fields of hay, arms stretched toward the sun—the kind of daydream they push in ads for cunt deodorant. And the kind of daydream they push on album covers. “But (you say) album covers are great. I trip, and look at album covers, and…etc." But it ain't that way. Rock may have come from the Street people, along with styles that grew out of buying surplus clothing, and daydreams that grew out of mystic studies and sunshine state habits. And the communication between the performing artists and you may still bear the same free-you-up message. But in between you and the performer, there's billions of dollars that you're paying and (for the most part) he's not getting. Who is getting it? The huge companies that own the record empires. Here's the puzzle: the same companies that own the recording contracts and record studies which make 'liberated' music, also own government contracts and subsidiary companies which make electronic bombing equipment, spying equipment, death equipment which is used in Vietnam and in our other colonies. The companies don't care how they make money, as long as they make the money. If they can make it from anti-war youth culture by coming on hip, they'll do it. And if they can make it from killing Vietnamese and killing off thousands of years of Vietnamese culture with expensive weapons systems for the government, they'll do that too. For example, CBS owns Columbia records, Masterworks, Blue Horizon, Odyssey, Harmony, Date, Okeh and several other record companies. They have invested heavily in defense contracts as well, working especially in the areas of laser beams, radar, spy photography, underwater detection—the sorts of technological work which keeps up the arms race and makes fat profits. It's the same story with most of the other major record companies. Like true imperialists, they'll go wherever the market is, talk whatever language (be it Vietnamese or hip-ese) needs talking, sell whatever people will pay for, as long as they make a profit. Does this mean you shouldn't buy records? No, of course not. If you wanted to live in this country without supporting the death machine, you couldn't eat or turn on an electric light. What it means is that you should understand a few facts of life. When you sit down with a sandwich (made of food processed by big business) and when you take a bite of the sandwich and start listening to music of YOUR culture, peddled for the profit of THEIR culture, then dig it! That's the corner they've got you backed into. Supporting the very things you hate the most in order to get the few things you want. There's a revolutionary movement growing in this country to fight just that form of oppression. What has this got to do with Woodstock? You might go there and have a fine time, but just remember that someone is making a million on your fun, and it isn't the performers, many of whom come for little or nothing. We interviewed the promoters setting up the Woodstock Festival, at a press conference arranged by the mid-town publicity company they hired. The conference itself was a slick operation. It passed itself off as a consultation between "leaders of the rock community" and the underground press on how to have peaceful good times for everyone. They didn't need to consult with anyone. Way back in April they had hired a federal law enforcement official, Wes Pomeroy, whom they described to me as "a very progressive kind of cat." A very progressive kind of cat who had worked with Johnson on the Safe Streets' Act, and with Republican bigwigs in planning security for their '64 convention at the Cow Palace. That's who the investors ("leaders of the rock community”) consulted with when they wanted security for their investment, not the underground press people. Even though the press conference handout reads, "We have called a special meeting of the underground press and rock community leaders to discuss ways of developing safe and harmonious pop music festivals.” Mike Lang and Artie Kornfield and two other partners put up half-a-million bucks. They're expecting big returns from ticket sales, a cut of concession sales, and also from selling TV and movie rights. Artie used to head Columbia Records. He told me, “I’d dig my daughter to be able to eat too." What about the street people? Mike says "We're not turning our backs on these people—we've got to feed them.” And let them in? “Don't you feel you're exploiting hip culture for your own gain?” Artie said, "Much of us have the same goal, We want to be able to cut out—not take shit—and go live in the country," Except that for most, it is a dream, not a goal, as long as Artie collects from every freak who wants to hear his music. And except that now that so many people want to cut out, they might find it easier to get together and put a stop to the conditions they want to escape. What about the riot that happened at the LA rock festival, Artie? "We are them—when they attack us, they are attacking themselves. If you talk about an army, it's got a lot of different wings. We're just another wing.” Maybe Artie and Mike are fooling themselves and maybe not. But they have extracted from the movement those things which can make them some money—talent, excitement, revolutionary energy, identity with hip looks and talk. But they have missed the heart of the movement. The revolutionary energy of rock and of the movement is a response to oppression—it grew out of the blues, out of the poor white country music, out of the emancipated poverty of the street people and their drug scene, out of the anger about national leaders representing corporate interests, while killing people, anger about how students get lied to and treated in public schools. The movement is made by and sung by people who oppose exploitation, whether by war elsewhere, or by high prices, racism and low wages at home. The movement is not represented in any way by rich investors getting richer by the profits of rock festivals—even if the investors do look hip and talk hip and know hip people. By the way, if you do go to the. Woodstock festival (actually, the grounds are located in Wallkill, N.Y.), Wes Pomeroy has a staff of 400 security people working for him, in and out of costume. When he was asked about kids smoking dope there, he said, "We'll do nothing to protect them. There will be narcs there, same as everywhere—they're going to have to pay $7, too." photograph by Henry Diltz