#FINALLY have my meds again. its been 3 months :/ without them

[be-good-to-bugs]

prozac make my chest hurt >:(

[fineline2005]

1

a/n: Welcome to the addiction series!! this is my first ever serious post lmao, so please take it lightly. give me ur honest opinions tho! i hope you guys like it <3

this story is placed around the time harry got mugged on the street, but im changing some thing! he is also still dating olivia in the begining of this story so if that bother you im sorry. but that will change, just be patient my children....

famous!harry x plus size!normal oc

1.9k words (i promise i will try to make them longer lol)

the one where harry meets meg, but not in a way you would expect....

content warnings: mugging, talks of knives, talks of drugs and alchol, talks of being cross faded. i think thats it but let me know if there is anything else!!! this is an 18+ story!!! i cant stop you from doing it but please, viewer descretion is advised!!!!

part one, megs pov:

"damn, your crossed as fuck." pepper said laughing. i couldn't really feel it but i knew she was right. at this point im so use to the feelig that i cant even tell the difference. aside from the alchol i had taken a couple of things that were past around and somked a bit of weed. i wouldn't say i'm the 'highest iv'e ever been' but im definietly i in no state of mind to be driving. thank fully med had driven me her, as she was D.D tonight.

i was starting to get really hot. i knew that as soon as i felt that fire start to creep up my spine it was time for me to tap out from everything for the night. i passed the joint in my hands to the person on my right with out even remembering who it was. i picked myself off the couch and make a b-line for the front door, but not without pepper noticing me.

i feel someone follow me and i assume that it pepper. i turn around and see my assumtions are correct.

"hey, you ok?" she asks. i nod a brush it off, but at this point in our friendship there is nothing i could hide from her. physical or emotional. "tell me the truth meg." she says giving me her famous stare of truth, as we walk to a place more private.

"yeah, just having that feeling again." i dont need to explain more. she gives me a knowing look understanding what i'm talking about the minute i say it. she had a worried look on her face and sits there thinking about what to say next.

"maybe you should go home. do you need a ride?" i know she hasn't been drinking and it would probably be safer to drive with her, rather than walk the streets alone in LA at 1am, but i saw her talking with cassie (who she's been crushing on for month.) and i dont want her to have to stop something she barly got to start. i shake my head no and tell her that i can walk. she gives me an 'are you sure' look.

"i think it will be good for my head and make the hangover a lot more bearable in the morning. besides, i think tonight will finally be the night you get lucky with cass." i wink at her. she turns red before giving me a nod telling me to text her when i get home. i agree before hugging her and making my way out.

i start my jouney home holding on to the knife in my pocket just to be safe. i don't live in the best part of town, so i have to be ready for anything. i pull out my vape just to calm my nerves. i've always hated walking alone, and being crossed out of my mind wasn't helping.

i walk pretty fast for being in the state im in. as i start getting closer to my nighborhood, i hear some shit going down not far from me. of course its got to be the path i need to go down. i put my head down trying to ignore whatever it is and just get home. i make a lot of rash choices while being this fucked up, and the last thing i need to to go back to jail for the night.

as i get closer, i see a group of short guys surounding a rather tall man. i couldn't tell if this was some kind of drug deal with a skinny king-pin, or if the tall guy was in trouble. i decided to just act like i dont see anthing. the last thing i need tonight was to be dragged into what ever the fuck this was.

as i walk by i see the tall guy pull out a big stack of cash. i don't think i've seen that much moneyin one sitting in my life. i then realize the group of short guys was pointing a knife to him.

they were mugging him.

i may sound like a bad person for saying this, but i think i need that cash more the tall guy and the rest of these idiot. like i said, i make rash and stupid choices when im in this state of mind. so with out think i start to walk faster. i hear the group of me start to ask him for his phone. thats when i decide to take action.

"hey! leave him alone." i shout from about 12 feet away, being way more loud than i intended to. they look at me and start to laugh.

"i suggest you keep walking and turn your pretty head beforw something bad happends to you sweetheart." he says now pointiing his knife at me. the tall guy gives me a look telling me to just run.

i keep walking over there with my slightly bigger knife in my pocket with my hand on it incase i need to pull it out quickly.

"well this 'sweetheart' is perfectly capable of pretecting herself from idiots like you." god i'm so fucking stupid sometimes. i am in not shape to being doing this shit right now.

but the things i do for money are actually ridiculous.

"seriously sweetheart. the last thing i wanna do is use this big scary knife on such a pretty thing like you. so save yourself the trouble and keep walking."

at this point i'm pissed. maybe it was the alchol talking or maybe he was just a sexist pig. but now i had to do something. i chuckle a bit before starting my next sentance.

"you know what's a lot scarier then a 'big scary knife' attached to a 'big scary man'" i ask while stepping closer. he gives me an amussed look before letting me continue.

within 1 second my knife is against his throat and i'm in his face.

"an even bigger knife, with an even scarier girl who really doesn't give a fuck." fear pools into his eyes as he looks down to the knife he is stuck under. i look around the the rest of the guys seeing a look of shock on their faces as well as the tell man in the corner. they all look aroundnot knowing what to do next, conflicted on whether to help their friend, boss, or whhatever he is to them, or to stay where they are not wanting to be the next one under the knife.

"so what's it gonna be? are you going to leave me and this nice gentlemen alone and walk away? or are you going to have a painful reminder of how you got mugged while trying to mug someone. not to metion there is witnesses."

he thinks about it for a bit before he drops his own knife and him and is crew walk away.

good choice.

i look over to the tall, skinny man and see the look on his face of pure disbelief. i could almost laugh if it wasn't for the fact that i'm no better then the men i jusy scared off.

"thank you! thank you so much!" he says with a smile on his face. i grip my knife harder walking up to him slowly.

"don't thank me yet." i mummble before quickly pointing the knife to his stomach. he laughs to himself for a second. before i know it the knife is outo of my hand and on the ground while im being pushed against his chest and restrained.

"you obviously have never done this before, and if you have you are really bad at it" he says luaghing as he picks up and throws me over he shoulder.

thats new...

i laugh finding humor in the situation i put myself in.

"what gave it away." i ask still laughing. he chuckles along before answering. "maybe the fact the you are clearly not sober and aimed the knife at my leg rather then my stomach." if that was his leg then this guy is taller then i thought.

"what's your name?" i ask as we walk aroud with me still on her shoulder, having no idea where we are going. "harry. what's yours?"

"i'll tell you if you put me down." the blood was starting to rush to my head and if were to stay in that position for another 2 minutes i would probably throw up. before i know it i'm on the grown again, losing my balance. i almost fall but he grabs my arms and hold me up until im steady. "meg, my names meg." i say while looking up at him. he has a face i've see before but to be honest, when im thing crossed everyone looks like someone i've seen before.

"do you have a girlfriends harry?" i ask with a suggestive tone in my voice. "yes." he answers immediately, while straightening up his posture.

"good," i drop the tone looking at him seriously. "go home and tell her you love her. you could have died tonight." and with that i start to walk away. after this whole thing my mind is way more clear then when i left the party. now i just want to go to sleep.

"wait!" i hear fast foot steps approaching. i turn around to see him pulling out his wallet and phone. he takes out a couple of $100 bills and unlocks his phone. "i feel like i owe you this for saving me. and i feel like you owe me your number for trying to mug me after." i give him a pointed look feeling like this is some kind of joke and he's trying to mess with me for pulling a fast one on him. "don't you have a girlfriend you are suppose to be telling you love?" he luaghs. "i just want to keep in contact. you seem fun, even if you are a criminal." i smirk and grab his phone entering my number. as i'm doing so i pull out my vape taking a couple of hits before looking up. once i do i see a look on his face telling me he's not super into it. but he's a stranger so i dont really care what he thinks.

"what? you act like half the people in this city dont do this and you've never seen it before." i say before putting it back in my mouth and taking a few more hits. "i mean, i know and i have. its just i know really like it. you know how how bad that stuff is for you, right?"

"its called an addiction for a reason." i say. i had him back his phone. "and on that note, i bid you adieu." i say bowing and copying the accent i picked up on. i walk away and this time he doesnt follow me.

as i walk into my appartment i text pepper to let her know i make it home. i check the clocked to the that its now 3:30am. i didn't realize that much time had gone by. she response asking what took so long and if i was ok. i answer back telling her i'll tell her in the morning when we go on our daily walk-and-talk. something we've been doing since freshman year of highschool.

my head hits my pillow and i knock out almost intantly. deciding that what ever choices i make tonight will be a problem for future meg to deal with.

[localvoid-golem]

ADHD meds and Haddie

I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to seek out medication for ADHD. Its been kind of a long time coming, but I've finally hit the "hard stuff" at least as far as Texas goes. Amphetamine salts (Adderall) have always been off the list for me for a number of reasons, from personal stigma to health concerns regarding my other medications. 

Anyway, I've been trying them over the past three months, and I've got opinions. Its interesting how big the difference is. 

I started off with just a basic dose of 2  five mg pills of 'instant release" amphetamine salts. The difference wasn't obvious on the first couple days, but then it clicked. 

Without medication, I'd always describe the struggle to go do something I 'needed' to go do as a fight between the 'need' and how 'sticky' the thing I am doing at this moment was. I am sure the stickiness has some tie to dopamine reactions or whatever, but the stickiness has been basically between me and my tasks. 

On the IR salts, things weren't sticky. I thought about needing to go empty the dishwasher, I could go do it. I also was able to keep a list of things to do in the short term in my head. ( 1. dishwasher, 2. move laundry over, 3. take out trash) I could not do this off of the salts. I also stopped losing things. I remembered where I put things down, and I had an easier time looking through a bunch of similar items to find the one thing I needed, like spices in the spice rack. 

But the IR salts, even as I spaced them out, tended to wear off by early afternoon. The effects lingered but by evening I was just back to the start, more or less. I also would find myself having trouble taking breaks from things that were on my "Need to do" list, which basically meant I was over-focusing on work. I get paid well enough, but they don't pay me enough to get 100% of my attention for 8 hours every day and it was a sort of exhausting. 

I've been on a slightly stronger dose of the extended release salts this month at 15mg pills once a day, I can tell the effect is still around, but muted. What I am doing isn't super sticky during the day, and I can hold a couple of items in a queue in my head. I am losing things again though. 

So I am going to ask for a slight increase in the dose again to 20 mg. I want to find that sweet spot of being able to go just do a thing, hold a list of items, and stop losing my stuff but not working harder than necessary. 

[samarallewis86]

It's really nice to realize your parents have zero faith in you and give less than zero fucks about you, its really nice to be treated like a problem they have to put up with and deal with and not like an actual adult whose entire life is currently fucked over completely.

The only people in my family who are currently not absolute cunts are my two younger brothers and boy am I not surprised by that at all, since the last time shit went sideways for me they were also the only ones who gave a crap.

I spent ten years paying full rent to my parents (and all the household bills), ten fucking years for my mother to throw me and housemate out to do "renovations", while we were both out of town (my housemate was out of the fucking country!) And I spent a year living with my grandparents until I was finally able to find us a new place.

I spent ten years begging my parents to help, begging them for new doors, locks, security screens, security cameras, repairs on the verandah, that was their job! They were my landlords! Ten years they ignored me and then blamed me for shit being ruined and needing fixing!!! TEN YEARS I PAID THEIR FUCKING MORGAGE!

Now, my landlord is selling and kicking us out, I've spent a month getting everything out, trying to clean, find a new place, find a bond cleaner, organise our last bills etc, my parents own two homes, did they offer me a room at the one in town? With easier access to shit, to like be able to go to house viewings and shit?

No.

They offered a room at a house, an hour out of town.

I'm also dog-sitting for my brother and sister-in-law while they are out of town.

I need somewhere for my cat to go for two more days because the fucking house is being carpet cleaned and steam cleaned and he can't be there after that! BUT I HAVE TO STAY IN TOWN TO DOG SIT AND FINISH THE REST OF THE HOUSE CLEANING.

I took my cat to the house in town, just needing him to stay there for two fucking days.

What happened?

The family friend (who has been staying there and PAYING LESS IN RENT THAN I, THEIR OWN FUCKING CHILD) threw a fucking hissy fit over me being there.

Then my fucking father shows up and screams at me, like I'm the fucking problem, like some how this is going to ruin his life, blaming me again, saying I won't pay my share in rent (oh, really, when I paid full rent for ten years without ever once not paying? When I paid for the ludicrous powerbills that house managed to rack up because of the broken pool filter that I spent years telling them was a fucking issue) and he needs her in the house or they'll loose it.

When the original plan was to renovate the house and then rent it out per room to the industrial workers in town who make bank and an easily afford to pay 3 fucking times what they are currently getting?

Where the fuck did that plan go?

So now I'm fighting with my father (who, by the way, lives at that house an hour out of town that they are expecting me to stay at) I'm anxious to the point of feeling sick (I'm stressed all the fucking time now, but ya know, who gives a fuck) I'm considering moving to fucking any where else on the fucking planet so I don't have to be here any more, or drinking myself into a coma, whichever is easier.

Don't know how well whiskey will react with my meds but at this point, I honestly don't care any more.

[purplesurveys]

1758

What is one change you need to make in your life this month? I need to clear out my phone storage because I'm once again starting to get those naggy notifs saying my phone is running out of space and it's also starting to close apps on its own again, lol.

I have A Very Big Feeling that the culprit is all the photos and videos I took from Yoongi's show, so after months of holding it off I think I'll finally need to transfer them to the Google Drive account I've made as a dump.

What was one good thing about today? Well, I think my fever is finally gone. I got Covid over the weekend but I've also been shoving all kinds of meds down my throat over the last few days, and I think it's finally taking effect – save for the sore throat which is still the biggest bitch of it all.

What’s been tugging on your heart lately? Trina and how I miss her and how I would have liked for her to remain my mentor forever. Without her, work just feels so soul-sucking.

Are you comfortable with who you are? Have you accepted who you are? Yes and yes. High school will really do a number on you and make you obsessed with the idea of fitting in, or forcibly change things about yourself that you feel like need to be changed. Once that shit was over it was so liberating to see how in the 'real world' people just look out for themselves and could not give less of a shit about you. Certainly helped with the way I ultimately learned to view myself.

All the money you ever need or someone to spend the rest of your life with? All the money I'll ever need.

What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Any time I need to ask Trina for help knowing I'm messaging her at like 3 AM somewhere-in-Canada time lol.

Would you have sex with the last person you texted? I can't remember who that person is but I'm sure the answer is no.

What was the last thing you received in the mail? K-pop albums.

Who did you last creep on? A bunch of lowkey old money nepo babies, hahahaha.

What country would you most like to visit in the future? India. I also just want to go back to South Korea and Thailand...

At your workplace, are you required to wear a uniform? Nope.

Who is the last person that gave you butterflies? Hahah other than celebrity crushes, idk. Nobody.

Do you consider weed, marijuana, pot, etc. a drug? Yes.

Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? Nope.

Do you require a lot of private time? I wouldn't say so! My social battery can run out quickly some days but it's not like I need a super long time to recharge.

Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? Sure.

Have you ever told a guy you were a lesbian to get him to leave you alone? I've directly showed guys that I have a girlfriend so they'd get the hint and leave me alone.

If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? Gus Fring from Breaking Bad; Chandler Bing from Friends.

[themardlonk]

I just finished reading the books and I've come to the conclusion that I actually really like that Sam married Rosie and Frodo left? 

Before reading the books, the ending to ROTK used to lowkey upset me, because Sam and Frodo love tf out of each other! But Frodo leaves and Sam stays behind to get married to someone we don't know and is happy in the Shire without Frodo?? It bugged me. But after reading the books, I've come to the realization that in order for them to get the happy endings they deserve, Frodo needs to leave and Sam needs to stay. And Sam's life with Rosie is essential to his happy ending and completed character arc and is entirely separate from Frodo and Sam's love for one another. The reasons behind why I think their endings are perfect for them have to do with autonomy and the difference between choices made selflessly vs. choices made in self interest.

TLDR; Frodo and Sam’s endings are perfect for them (imo) because they get to choose them for themselves. Both hobbits spend the entire trilogy sacrificing everything they are for the Good of Middle Earth. Frodo leaving is The Good Ending for him because he is suffering the traumatic effects of the Ring; Frodo isn’t happy in the Shire and chooses an adventure of his own to Valinor so that he can heal. Sam staying and getting married and becoming part of the community is The Good Ending for him because he is invested in the Shire; from the moment he returns to the Shire, he chooses to pour his time and love into its restoration and abundance. Sam is a gardener and he chooses the Shire because it brings him happiness, but Frodo can’t find happiness there and so chooses to leave because that’s what’s best for him. (And then eventually, after Sam’s lived his happy ending in the Shire, he sails to Valinor to live with Frodo, and they both get that happy ending, too.)

There’s a little mini essay on Frodo and Sam that I put under the cut because it’s just me rambling, but if I didn’t make my reasoning clear enough above, it might clear it up. (Forewarning: These notes are probably uncoordinated af, because they were jotted down in my phone while I sat on the floor of my kitchen for 3 hours in a feverish ADHD-med-fueled determination to wrap my head around the LOTR ending.)

Frodo and Sam have the same goal (destroy the Ring), but their jobs differ. Frodo is tasked with the actual job of carrying the Ring (the metaphorical weight of the world) to Mordor. On top of physical, Frodo suffers through enormous mental and spiritual anguish to complete this task. Sam, meanwhile is tasked with protecting the Ring Bearer, and every decision he makes is in Frodo's best interest before anything else. He handles the Ring very little and his suffering is mainly physical, but he spends the entire time as Frodo's second, and defers to Frodo's choices and well-being above his own the entire time.

When they return home to the Shire, of the two of them, it's Sam who takes the lead in the resistance against Saruman. Afterward, it's Sam who spreads the dirt and plants the mallorn from Galadriel. It's Sam who takes an active role in saving and restoring the Shire. Of the four hobbits, I noticed that Frodo seems to be the one most affected by the Scouring of the Shire. While they're all affected, Frodo is the only one who doesn't actively start rallying troops and planning attacks. Instead, he takes on advisory duties and then withdraws as soon as he is able.

All four hobbits come back physically changed, but the book makes it pretty plain that on top of this, Frodo is also experiencing chronic PTSD, depression, and withdrawal from the Ring. Frodo isn't completely present in his life because he's trying to cope. He tries to be there for Sam, he even lets Sam and Rosie move in with him after they marry, but on the whole, Frodo is really, really sick.

Sam explicitly states that he loves Frodo, and he tries to be there for Frodo through Frodo's sickness. But unlike the trek to Mordor, there's really only so much Sam can do for him. I think Frodo is aware of this, and it's why he encourages Sam to actively pursue happiness (Rosie, a home, a family, social standing, etc.). Frodo loves Sam and wants him to have the happy ending that Sam wants, but Frodo can only give so much of himself as he is currently. Sam is in love with the Shire, but Frodo's happy ending isn't in the Shire. He's not happy there, and Sam is. Frodo can't give Sam what he needs, and vice versa. They have a conversation about this in "The Grey Havens" chapter. Frodo asks if Sam would be willing to travel with him, and Sam says of course, but that he can't go too far from the Shire. They love each other, but their needs are different, now. Frodo needs help with trauma recovery, and he can't stay in the Shire, but he's also not going to ask Sam to leave it behind to be with him while he recovers. Frodo doesn't need Sam to go with him, and he actually kinda needs to do this himself. And it's really important to Sam's character arc that Sam says he wants to stay.

Sam's life with Rosie is essential to his happy ending and completed character arc. Sam spends the entirety of the books looking after Frodo, caring for him, risking his life for him, and making sure they both go "There and Back Again." For 15(ish) months, Sam is on constant Frodo Protection Duty, and looking at how Sam addresses him and treats him beforehand and during the journey, Sam has honestly probably deferred to Frodo his entire life. But in order for Sam to really complete his character arc, he needs to choose his future for himself. When they get back to the Shire, he begins the process of self actualization, and Frodo helps it along. On the topic of Rosie, it doesn't matter that Sam marries HER necessarily, but it does matter that he settles down and gets to live a quiet life of gardening and family and community, because that's what he WANTS. And it's important that he himself chooses it, independently of anyone else's well-being.

For Frodo, it's both very similar and the exact opposite. He spends the journey to Mount Doom inside his head, facing things he can't physically fight, and he has to lean on Sam the entire way. Frodo DOES make the choice to take the Ring to Rivendell, and then to Mordor. It could be argued that every step he takes toward Mordor is a choice, but it's never his personal choice. It's a choice between Good and Evil. From the very beginning when Bilbo leaves him the Ring to a year later when he finally returns to the Shire, Frodo's one and only choice is the big picture question: Will you choose Good or Evil? Will you give up, or will you continue to put your mind and body through intense trauma so that your entire world doesn't burn? They're both terrible options, but they're the only ones he's given, and both are detrimental to him personally.

When Frodo returns to the Shire, he could go back to living quietly there for the rest of his life, and he actually does try to do that for a little while. But he has choices available to him now, and it quickly becomes clear to him that he's not happy there. He's been changed so much by the Ring and the experiences he's been through and the wider world around him that his journey can't end in the Shire. It's impossible for him pick up where he left off, because he's not that same hobbit anymore. He's unhappy and unhealthy playing that role, and it would be antithetical to his journey and the opposite of character growth. For Frodo, his happy ending looks like trauma recovery and a kinder adventure that he gets to choose for himself, and that's why Valinor is such a good ending for him.

Before he leaves, Frodo does as much as he can to put the Shire to rights and set Sam up to live his happy ending (he INVITES Sam to live in HIS HOUSE, did I mention that? I love them), and then Frodo leaves for Valinor to heal and find his own happy ending. And he gets it. He does heal, and after he's much recovered, Sam comes to live with him after he himself has lived a full happy life in the Shire.

OTHER (other) THOUGHTS:

(((This ending also makes sense, because if Frodo can't live happily in the Shire after going on a huge journey to save it, SOMEBODY better.)))

I also think it's nice that Sam and Rosie get to be in love, and that Sam is allowed to love multiple people. And I think it's lovely that his love for Frodo is not diminished in any way by his love for Rosie. "You're allowed to love multiple people deeply in your life, and that love is not made lesser because it's being given to multiple people" is SUCH a good message.

[enchantedpendant]

things that have happened during the course of the 1 year-ish time i took off this site

1. my mental health reached the worst point it has ever been in my entire life

2. quickly and secretly took myself to a psychiatrist (props to myself ngl but also a huge thank you to a close friend of mine who recommended this particular doctor) and wow im so blessed to have her as my first ever encounter with a psychiatrist or even any kind of mental health professional… it may not be too much of a stretch to say that i owe her my life

3. during the critical time of just beginning to recover… caught some romantic feelings for one of my closest friend since high school (been friends since 2014) and got into a situationship which lasted barely a month… i managed to realize that the way things were going were NOT helping my mental health recovery and i told him that we should just be friends. no shade towards him tbh, he’s nothing but stellar as a friend and ngl he may have significantly helped me find the will to live again… but it really just wasnt working out well romantically with all the circumstances surrounding it. my brain being in the right place didnt necessarily mean my heart is tho lol it took several months for me to just… stop thinking about him and “oh how things couldve gone differently if only this and if only that” every now and then im fond of him, still am, and would probably always be

4. got off sertraline… and not quite bcs my doctor had advised me to but because i had just started to skip enough doses for my body to get used to being without it and start feeling the side effects whenever i try taking them again and i’d rather not😂 i’d like to fully put the blame on night shifts and school and all that but really some of it is just… my bad lol but anyways shoutout to sertraline for saving my life when i needed it!

5. juggled my mental health recovery with about 2 months of studying nearly 24 hours a day 7 days a week (i mean, as much studying as i could get done lol ive never been the studious type) in preparation for my exit exam… shoutout to the ten people in my study group for tolerating me through it all

6. passing my exit exam!! and graduating med school!!! finally being an MD which still feels unreal. anyways it is SO nice to finally close this chapter and go on to the next (also my skin started clearing up real quick after the exam results came out and knowing that i passed lol its almost like the cause of my skin problems was just med school all along😭)

[halstudandruz]

Give In

*Not my gif*

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Requested: Yes

Prompt: Tragedy occurs after a night of passion

Warnings: swearing, talk of mentally abusive relationship, miscarriage/pregnancy loss

“Don’t come crying to me when you need support for that mistake.” Jared scoffed, bringing tears to your eyes at his words.

“I should’ve never come here.” You shook your head, “I should’ve listened to Jay.” You put your hand over your stomach protectively.

“Oh here we go again. Because Jay knows everything, and I’m supposed to believe that’s my kid and not his in there? Spare me.” He laughed in your face.

“How many times do I have to fucking tell you I haven’t slept with him.” You yelled, getting angrier by the second.

“At least I can admit I fucked Sarah.” He shrugged.

“Well, I caught you so it’s not like you had an opportunity to lie.” You reminded him.

“I was doing perfectly fine the last 4 months. I must say though, I’m quite glad I won’t have to sit here and watch you get any fatter.” He smirked, a cocky look on his face. Trying to hurt you with his words.

“You’re such a jackass. I’m done with this.” You turned walking out of your once shared apartment, slamming the door behind you.

Jay had told you not to go there. Told you it would end bad, but you thought he deserved to know. He might’ve been a terrible boyfriend, but you figured he deserved a chance to be a decent father, but as always Jay was right. You and Jared had been together for over a year and your relationship was a rollercoaster. He was charming, but manipulative. He never hurt you physically, but he knew all the right ways to hurt you with his words, to make you feel self conscious, less than, and crazy. Then you found him in bed with your old friend, and that was the end of it. You finally had the courage to leave that you had been searching for. Except a couple months later you made the mistake of spending the night with him. The case you had that week really got to you. You were out drinking with your team when you caught Jay leaving with a nurse from Chicago Med, and jealousy reared its ugly head harder than ever before. Without thinking you ended up in front of your old apartment and the night did not end there. A month later you found out you were pregnant. Karma’s a bitch. Jay was the first person you told.

“You’re joking.” He looked at you shocked as you both stood in the break room.

“Believe me I wish I was.” You looked helplessly at him.

“Okay well what are you going to do?” He eventually asked after the shock wore off some.

“I’m gonna go apartment hunting this week. I swear I’ll be out soon.” You answered.

“What? No that’s not what I meant. I meant about the douchebag of the equation.” He explained.

“I mean I have to tell him.” You answered.

“What? No you don’t. You shouldn’t.” He countered.

“It’s his too Jay.” You tried to reason.

“[Y/N], if you go over there it’s going to end one of two ways. He somehow manipulates you into forgiving him or he hurts you worse than he already has.” He argued.

“So what am I supposed to do? Just lie to my kid when they’re old enough to ask questions?” You said.

“When did this even happen? You’ve been broken up for over a mon-“ He started to ask, but Adam interrupted your conversation peeking his head in.

“Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt,” he looked between you two suspiciously, “but we got a ping on Rudder’s phone.” He informed you guys as you followed him out the door.

You and Jay had been partners for 3 years. He was very standoffish when you first started. You were informed through the grapevine his last partner had left him and moved to New York. So, he had every right to be skeptical, but your relationship eventually progressed and you had a dynamic unlike any other. However, you were also like any other girl that came into contact with the younger Halstead, taken back by his good looks and determined yet soft nature, but he was just your partner. You worked together. You couldn’t get involved, and he was going through a rough break up. It wasn’t fair to try anything. Unfortunately, that didn’t lessen your attraction any further and it only got worse as your relationship developed.

Jay had offered to let you move in with him after you had caught Jared. You planned on finding an apartment right away, but things kept getting in the way and Jay wasn’t trying to push you out the door. Walking into his apartment you laid your keys on the stand hanging up your purse and coat before walking further in to find Jay sitting on the couch watching TV. Turning to face you he sighed immediately getting up to hug you, no words needing to be spoken. The anger finally took over showing itself by the tears that began to soak Jay’s neck. Eventually you gathered yourself moving to sit by him on the couch.

“I should’ve listened to you.” You laughed attempting to wipe the tears off your face. A small smile appeared on Jay’s lips as he shook his head.

“No, you shouldn’t have. You were right. This baby deserves the best life ever, and it wouldn’t have been fair to them if you didn’t give him a choice.” He said, hand tickling your stomach, making it flip at his touch.

“I just wish he made the right one.” You admitted, laughing.

“You deserve better. I’ve been telling you that since day one. I hated seeing how he treated you, how he changed you. You’ve always been too good for him, and you deserve someone who gives you and this little peanut the world.” He replied.

“Why can’t it be you?” You said after a few minutes of silence.

“What?” He looked at you confused, eyebrows scrunched.

“Do you know how this happened?” You gestured to your stomach.

“Of course I know how it happened.” He raised an eyebrow at you.

“No,” you shook your head adjusting yourself, “I mean do you know when this happened?” You reiterated.

“No. I didn’t want to pry.” He admitted.

“It was the night Hazel stayed over.” You explained, and guilt flushed over his face.

“[Y/N], I told you I was sorry about that. This is your apartment now too. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or feel like you couldn’t come home.” He started to apologize, making you laugh.

“No, Jay. I didn’t want to come home because I was jealous.” You said waiting for it to click.

“Jealous of what?” He looked even more confused making you frustrated.

“Oh my god Jay. Of you and her! Of you with her!” You huffed throwing your hands in the air. Taking a deep breath you shook your head, “I just didn’t want to come back and see her here, or god forbid hear her. When all I wanted was to be the one in your room.” You admitted getting nauseous at the thought of them together.

“I don’t know what to say.” He sighed after a few minutes of grappling within his own head.

“Oh god. I’m sorry I should’ve never said anything.” Your embarrassment took over, feeling your face turn red you moved to stand up and hurry out of the room, but he pulled you back down beside him, closer this time.

“No. Don’t be. It’s just...I wish it was as easy as that. Believe me I do..” He said, breath noticeably quickening at the thought.

“It can be.” You replied after a couple seconds of intense silence.

“[Y/N], we work together, we’re partners, you’re having someone else’s baby. There’s a lot of factors.” He explained, but you could tell he was trying to convince himself.

“Do you want this as bad as I do?” You asked gently, resting your hand on his, but he stayed quiet. “Just for one night. Can’t we just give into ourselves for one night?” You bargained your face inching closer with each thought, “if you don’t want this I promise I’ll go to bed now and we can never speak of this again.” You stopped a few inches from his face refusing to make the move. The decision was in his hands now. His eyes searched your face, breathing heavy, and you watched the moment his resolve gave away, throwing caution to the wind and groaning a quiet,

“[Y/N].” Before he closed the distance his lips meeting yours in an urgency you had never felt before.

You were woken up by a sharp pain in your stomach. Turning to roll on your back you collided with warm skin, belonging to someone who grunted pulling you closer with the arm wrapped around your waist. Remembering who it was you felt a small smile appear on your lips, but it was stolen away by another pain radiating from your abdomen. Wincing you gently lifted Jay’s arm attempting to slide out from under it, brain registering the wetness you felt between your legs. Jesus, you liked him and all, but you figured you could control yourself a little instead of waking up completely ready to go again. Shaking your head you slipped off the bed, the liquid between your legs growing, becoming a little too prominent with the accompanied pains. “Jay.” you croaked out voice hoarse, terror immediately coming to surface as the red came into view. He didn’t stir. “Jay!” You tried again bracing yourself against the bed as a dizziness started to swirl in your mind. At your insistence he grunted eyes slowly opening.

“[Y/N]?” He asked blinking and attempting to reach for where you lay minutes prior.

“Jay, somethings wrong.” You began to cry, panic obvious in your voice by the quivering, but trying not to scare him. You watched as his awareness finally clicked seconds later, sitting straight up in bed looking from the blood stained sheet to you. Another cramp hitting, this time making you fall to your knees just as Jay reached you, pulling you back up in his arms. Somehow throwing a shirt on in the process.

“Alright come on I got you. It’s alright baby. You’re okay.” He hurriedly helped you put shorts on as you had only been sporting his shirt from the night before. Cradling you in his arms, running down to his truck, and burning tire towards the hospital, lights and sirens echoing in the background while he weaved through traffic, pulling up to the doors of Chicago Med not too long after. Your head was shoved in his chest breathing through the pain. You felt lightheaded barely aware of all that was happening as you heard Jay yelling for a nurse before sitting you down in a wheelchair.

“I’m assuming you’re the father? Otherwise we can’t permit you-“ The nurse began to ask, even more panic taking over at the thought of being alone before you heard Jay answer with a simple,

“Yes.” After a few tests were done your suspicions were confirmed. You had lost the baby, and you didn’t know how to feel. Jay climbed into bed beside you pulling you into his chest letting the sobs soak his shirt while he rubbed you back, “I’m so sorry. I’m right here though, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here. It’s all going to be okay.” He promised kissing your head, and if it wasn’t for the man holding you, you weren’t sure if you ever would’ve believed that.

All Tag List:

@corebore123 @scarletsoldierrr @hehurst23 @beautiful-bunny89 @ingie @halsteadsway @malrunaway @smclelli @inlovewith3

Jay Taglist:

@justadreamxx @life-treatments @weepingfestivalmentality @toomuchtv95 @queen-of-arda

[tatooedlaura-blog]

End of the Road

post-Redux/Redux 2

... their moments ... from now on ... Our Moments: Chapter 1: Five Words (post-Leonard Betts) Chapter 2: Sidebar Nonsense (post-Memento Mori) Chapter 3: Interim (floating somewhere around Unrequited) Chapter 4: Max 2.0 (post-Tempus Fugit/Max) Chapter 5: Shadowed Grey Eyes Chapter 6: The Warmest Thing I Own Chapter 7: Fancy Paper Napkins ​ Chapter 8: End of the Road (post-Redux/Redux 2)

@today-in-fic

&&&&&&&&&&

He put her through hell the next two weeks and finally, seeing her on the other side of the hospital window, he splintered, leaning forward, unable to breath, overwhelming sorrow manifesting in yelled demands of people who couldn’t answer his pleas.

He thought he was quiet at her bedside that night, the world bearing down on both of them, but as he sobbed into her sheets, he felt her hand drift though his hair, nails lightly scratching scalp, “it might be a little tight, but I think we’ll both fit if we try.”

Mess that he was, he stood, dragged his hands over his face to clear away at least some of the nonsense before disappearing to blow his nose on some toilet paper from the bathroom. Coming back in, he shuffled towards her, whispering, “I snuck in. What if I fall asleep and can’t sneak back out?”

“I’m dying, Mulder. I can do what I want and right now, I want you in here with me.”

Deep breath of acceptance at her now-undeniable retort, he did as ordered, wedging himself behind her, back to front, arm hesitant over her belly, full length curl around her. He could feel her ribs against his forearm, her bony hip under his elbow, sharp shoulder blades pressing his chest, “we need to get you a milkshake.”

“If I could keep one down, I’d send you right now but puking up ice cream will just ruin it.”

“I see your point.” Sniffing latent snot back up his nose, he apologized, then, “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Soaking up his warmth like a sponge, “I’m not sleeping that well these days anyway, and …” running off into oblivion, she finished the sentence a moment later, “well, I’d rather spend all the time I can with you, even if it’s at whatever the hell time it is and in a hospital bed.”

“A good cuddle does have its merits.”

That got a smile from her, “thank you.”

“For what?”

This time she found the words she couldn’t after he made her dinner, “for doing all those things that a partner would do; that a husband, a best friend, that family would do.”

Well, that made his heart break for the hundredth time that day, and mouth to neck yet again, his words rustled her hair and vibrated her soul, “well, you are my partner and my best friend, which makes us family and I think I fit the category of work husband so I’ve got all the bases covered.”

Reaching for his hand, she pulled it up to her face, kissing his knuckles before tucking it under her cheek, “we need to talk about a few things.”

“No, we really don’t.”

“Yes, we do. Let me take the fall, please? I need to know you’re okay once I’m gone.”

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

“We can have that argument tomorrow. Right now, just let me enjoy this, all right?”

She heard his mental screams of ‘Stop It!’ and she did, nodding against his hand, “all right but tomorrow, you’re listening to me.”

Wanting to cocoon her, tuck her inside himself, hide her away so the cancer and the fear and the reality of it all couldn’t find her, he hugged her closer, spooned behind her tight, “maybe.” That’s as good as she would get tonight and accepting it, she did her best to forget everything but the moment. A pleasant ‘hmm’ purred out a minute later and, hearing it as well as feeling it against his chest, “what was that for?”

Not realizing she’d made the sound until it was too late, “living in my moment, Mulder.”

“Our moment.”

For half a second, she wanted to cry, “You’re right. Our moment.”

&&&&&&&&&

He was gone when she woke up, the nurse checking on her telling her quietly, “he snuck out about 20 minutes ago.” Seeing her still sleepy look of disappointment, she smiled, “I’ve seen the way he looks at you; he’ll be back.”

Alone a moment later, she tried to work herself into a rage because he left without saying good-bye and without talking to her like she’d asked but, in the end, it was Mulder and she really should have expected it. Returning to her side, facing the door, she shut her eyes, imagining he was still behind her.

&&&&&&&&&&

He appeared the next day, glass vial offering a last-ditch effort in his fight to save her. He watched her argue with her family, fight her doctors, grasp onto a fading hope without which, she would be forced to make him sit, discuss funeral arrangements, ask him to give up while holding her hand.

&&&&&&&&&&

First Skinner left her room, then her brother, then, finally, Maggie, who gave him a hug and told him, without words but the slightest of head nods, that Scully was inside waiting for him. He gave it another minute, still processing, still gripping the bloody picture, still marveling at the news that was, indeed, real.

Opening her door slowly, the first thing he saw was not a smile but her piercing gaze that ranged in interpretation, over the years, from raging irritation to unbridled happiness. Todays was more of a confused relief bordering on reserved elation, “Mom says you’ve been sitting in the hallway.”

“Your mother deserved the first hug.”

“Are you going to be my third?”

“Patience, woman. I give you a hug now, we’ll both be crying for the next hour.” Shooting her his first mischievous grin in months, “I am breaking all kinds of rules still being here. Three people have asked me to leave already.”

She’d been prepared to talk for a few minutes, then go to sleep but suddenly, that wasn’t cutting it anymore, “You want to go for a drive?”

Finally approaching her, he pressed his thighs against the edge of the bed, leaning just enough forward but keeping his hands in his pockets, schoolboy asking a question of his favorite girl, “your place or mine?”

She hadn’t even thought that far ahead in the discussion but now that it was out there, hanging in the air, she gave him a smile, “your place. We haven’t been there in awhile.”

“Luckily I just changed the sheets a few days ago.”

Holding eye contact, swearing for one second she could actually see into his soul, she found herself moving her legs, bumping into Mulder as she sat upright, slid off the bed, “go find me my clothes.”

They didn’t so much sneak from the hospital as walk out, quietly, Scully’s bag in Mulder’s one hand, Mulder’s other on her back, pressed to muscle and bone, fingers loose-gripping the back of her shirt. No one said a word, elevator their immediate destination, anywhere else in the world their quest. The air was balmy, the breeze light, and Scully stopped the moment the automatic doors shut behind her, inhaling deep.

Mulder, nearly knocking her over, suddenly panicked, “what? What’s wrong?”

Her head spun, giddy and light, “just … overwhelmed for a minute.”

“Do you need to go back inside?”

Shaking her head vehemently, “no … no, I just … your place, please.”

“Food first?”

“No. I … that’s too much right now.” Looking up at her partner, suddenly exhausted, “a bed would be nice and some drugs when we get to your place.”

“Home it is, then.” He valeted the car, tucked her inside, and drove away, aiming towards his apartment. She was dozing by the second turn and fully asleep by the time he pulled up to the curb. Crouching beside her open passenger door, hand on thigh, voice low, he began coaxing her in a soft voice reserved for just such occasions, “hey, Scully? Wake up. We’re here and you’ve gotta stay awake long enough to deal with the front steps and the elevator.”

Blinking her eyes open, they rolled around for a moment before focusing, “okay. Don’t let me fall down.”

“Never.”

He wanted to laugh at her swaying walk, likening it to her drunken trek a year ago at her mother’s surprise birthday party. Not saying that aloud, however, he steered her to his door then inside.

He set her bag down, then took her coat, hanging it before heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water so she could take her meds and lay down. Asking over his shoulder what type of pain killer she wanted, he glanced back when she didn’t answer. Finding her still rooted to her spot beside the hat rack, he stopped, took in the tears already rolling, then held out his hand, waving her towards him, “come here.” She did, shuffling, leaving shoes behind and walking into him, the collision backing him up a few steps. Accepting the momentum, he continued moving, sitting down on the arm of the couch, level with her now, arms tight around her neck, her face hidden in his shirt, “what’s wrong?”

“It can’t be real, Mulder. It can’t. It shouldn’t have worked.”

“But it did. You saw the scans.”

“But what if I go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and it’s back?”

Shifting her away, he settled hands on cheeks, thumbs against eyebrows, painting over them lightly, absently, as he tilted her head to meet her tear-y gaze, “it won’t be but if it is, but it won’t be, we will figure it out … together … all right? We got here once and we can do it again … but we won’t have to, so don’t worry about it.”

Her hands were around his wrists, “I think you just gave me a headache.”

“I’ve been giving you headaches for four years now. What’s new?”

“This.” Leaning in, she kissed him, barely brushing his lips but setting his world on fire in the process, “I’ve got, to sound trite, a new lease on life and I’m not wasting it.” Kissing him again, before swaying dangerously to one side, “but I am going to ask that we sleep through a little bit of it because if I don’t lay down soon, I’m going to end up on your floor.”

He wiped the few remaining tears from her cheeks before he kissed her back, light but claiming, “do you mind some company?”

“I have never minded your company.” Yawning, she turned white, an immediate sweat beading on her upper lip, “but I need to lay down … now.”

Walking her to the bed, he gave her a shirt and some shorts, some drugs and a glass of water, then, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Returning with a second blanket, he found her curled, body imprint stamped on ‘her’ side of the bed forevermore. His giddiness in the moment nearly made him laugh but containing it, he settled beside her, spare blanket at their feet. His hand went to her forehead, thumb in gentle circles between her eyebrows.

It was gone.

He had her back.

And he wasn’t going to waste a minute of the time they had left.

Which was a lot longer than they’d had mere hours earlier.

He didn’t fall asleep for hours.

Watching her breathe.

&&&&&&&&&&

Neither should have been awake but when Mulder opened his eyes, he found himself staring at an empty pillow and equally empty bed. Squinting towards the dawn-grey living room and the darkened bathroom, he looked over his shoulder, finding his target standing by the open window, leaning on the frame.

Rolling over, he tucked the pillow under his head, yawning, then watching her for a minute before she felt his eyes on her and turned towards him, quiet.

His mind was open and slow, filters off, walls down, and in that very moment, the only thing he had left in the world to say was “I love you.”

Her slow spreading smile lit up the darkening room, thunder rumbling as a storm moved in. It stopped just shy of a full-on grin, then dropped back to slightly upturn lip curl, sigh deep, eyes closing for a moment to collect the proper words from the universe, before sending them drifting across to him slow and steady, “and I … finally have the time … to love you back.”

Mulder’s smile spread at the same speed hers did, pushing into the pillow, squashing face glowing, “is this another one of our moments?”

“They are all our moments from now on, Mulder. All of them.”

[kashi-prompts]

Rating: M

Pairing: None! Maybe Kakashi x Gai? As friends or lovers, you choose. 

Genre: Angst. Just angst. Maybe some fluff. 

WARNING: This work contains themes such as drug abuse and suicide. If you are uncomfortable with these topics, I would recommend skipping this prompt <3 

A/N: For the lovely @kakashiswilloffire​ <3 I hope its not too similar to my other one or just cringy or boring or something??

Prompt below the cut!

Most days, the insufferable, poignant metal smell of blood would wash away after the hot water hit his body. The gory memento of his last mission under his fingernails would be stripped away by scrubbing his scalp. The water would filter from clear to crimson as it sucked itself down the drain at his feet. 

Oftentimes, the metallic aroma of bloodshed would still visit him, taunting his thoughts as though he hadn't washed it away. It wasn't his blood that he was smelling. It was someone else's. Someone who was no longer living or breathing on this earth- someone who was now buried deep under a mound of soil thanks to him. Still, he would ignore the odor, hoping it was just the heightened sense of smell that was both a blessing and a curse to his five senses.

His feet brought him through the village as the sun began to set. Deep within him, he felt an empty, familiar feeling. Like a hole that he was never sure could be filled with anything except self-loathing and hatred for himself. He was angry - angry with his father for dying, angry with Minato for dying, angry with himself - for Rin, for Obito. He felt empty—the numbing feeling of bereavement and angst overpowering him. 

"Want one?" he heard, looking up. One muted grey eye sought out the voice, settling on a waistcloth marked "fire" at his eye level. Looking up, the Hokage's son offered him a cigarette while the silver-haired shinobi sat on the stone bench, deep in thought. 

"You look like you had a rough day," Asuma noted dismally, the long tobacco stick perched between his two yellowing fingers. 

"I'm fine," Kakashi responded pointedly, waving a dismissive hand and looking away. 

"Rough mission?" the Sarutobi asked, replacing the offered token to his pocket. He lit the cigarette that hung from his lips. 

Kakashi shrugged, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees. He felt so much older than the man standing next to him. Asuma was experienced, but the type of experiences differed from black to white. To guard and protect was a prestigious claim on the title of shinobi - but the conquest to slaughter agitators of your village as your primary delegation was altogether something different. 

A wif of blood suddenly stroked the 19-year-olds masked nose. His eye widened, covertly searching for the source. His arm tingled, reminiscent of how it would feel after pumping it with chakra to forge a Chidori. Asuma stood beside him, deaf to the flash of trauma that flowed like a movie roll effortlessly through Kakashi's mind. 

Swallowing, he stood from the stone bench abruptly, a bead of sweat trickling down from his hairline to his spine. 

"You alright?" Asuma questioned, regarding his friend with curiosity and concern.

"Yeah, I have things to do," Kakashi told him, wiping his clammy hands on the fabric of his pants quickly. Panic rose in him, yet he couldn't pin why. Maybe it was the rush of adrenaline that suddenly pumped through his veins. The feeling of being in combat sending signals to his brain, yet the air around him stood peaceful and still. 

"You sure you don't want one?" Asuma prodded, offering the cigarette in his hand. Kakashi looked away, bothered by the question yet again. Yet, the smell of blood still lingered, and the source seemed unknown. Did he imagine it? 

Taking a step to walk past his friend, he caught a wif of the cloud of nicotine enveloping the dark-haired man beside him. Kakashi peaked up, observing the cigarette between Asuma's lips captivatingly. The smell vanished, whether in his own mind or not. Exhaling, his eyes met Asuma's. 

"Yeah, I'll take one." 

***** 

The pain crept up his leg again, unrelenting and all-consuming. The aftershocks of the injury seemed to shake him more than it had the moment his leg had shattered two months earlier on a mission. This time, the discomfort woke him from his sleep. 

"Shit," Kakashi sneered, clutching the top of his shin. The cast had been removed a week ago, yet the gnawing pain seemed to reappear every 6 hours. 

"It'll go away eventually," the med-nin had told him. Having been irritated by how long he was out of work, he didn't care about the discomfort at that time. He only wanted to return to missions. To have some self-worth pump into him at the satisfaction of completing a task successfully. But somehow, the pain seemed to be getting worse. 

Reaching towards his nightstand through the dark, he blindly grasped for the bottle of pills he kept near him. His finger touched it, knocking it to the ground and rolling underneath his bed. Curses filled the quiet bedroom as he yanked his sheets off and knelt on the hardwood floor. Dust and food wrappers cluttered the underside of his mattress. 

"What the fu-" he gritted his teeth, wildly searching for the bottle beneath the mattress frame. Finally, he grasped it and pulled it back to him. Looking down at the label, he read it carefully to himself again in the light of the streetlamp outside his window. 

"Take two pills three times a day as needed." 

Kakashi considered the instructions, reminding himself of the ache in his leg that didn't seem to go away as time went on. 

Perhaps doubling it would help. 

*****

The second refill was easy to obtain. But now, only four pills remained of it after only one week.  

"I need a refill," the silver-haired jounin leader requested. His expression remained blank as he set the bottle down in front of the med-nin. 

Carefully, the woman picked up the bottle, examining the man's name on the label. 

Hatake Kakashi

DOB: September 15

Acetaminophen + Oxycodone 500mg

"You refilled this prescription last week, Hatake-san," the woman explained carefully. 

"I know," Kakashi replied sharply, "that's why I'm here. I need a refill." 

"That's not how this works," she stressed to him gently, "You can only refill a prescription after a certain period of time has passed. You shouldn't have to refill this prescription for another two weeks." 

"Are you going to help me or not?" 

"I'm sorry I c-"

Long gloved fingers snatched the bottle from the woman's hand, glowering at the nurse. The four remaining pills shook against the bottle as he shoved it back in his pocket.  

"Fine," he said cooly, his demeanor changing suddenly. "Have a great day." 

It was at that moment that Kakashi knew he was still in control. Even if this mediocre woman behind the counter wouldn't provide him the bare minimum he needs to function without pain, then he would just have to obtain it himself. 

****

And he did. Scouting out the perimeter of the hospital was easy for such an elite shinobi. He sat in the trees, watching certain staff members come and go as the day grew to evening. He knew he had to report soon, but this was more important. The persistent ache in his leg only worsened as the 6-hour window crept closer. 

As dusk came upon him, he knew he had to make a move soon. The longer he sat and watched, the more time he wasted. As the sun hit the treeline, the ache in his leg crept up into his hip, a deep spasm that throbbed every nerve ending in his thigh. He could sense his irritability rooting deeper into his body, a tree of impatience and rage that had only freshly sprouted to life. 

It didn't take him very long to sweep his body through an open window, covertly walking through the halls as though he belonged there in his usual jounin attire. He was merely visiting someone, was the intention he hoped to emanate towards the occupied staff. Not even when he slid his shoulders through the medication room door did anyone notice. 

Too easy, he thought as he left through the hospital's front door that evening. The street lamps were on now, illuminating the sidewalk as his sandaled feet took him back home with a heavy relief over his body. He hadn't wasted any time popping the higher than recommended dose into his mouth, taking a sip of water from the hospital's drinking fountain, and swallowing them with a flick of his tongue. 

Although, as his bottle of newly filled pills rattled in his pocket and the effects of the pain reliever set in, he was beginning to feel groggy. He looked around, the world seeming like a strange, almost foreign place to him. Kakashi shook his head, irritated by the unwanted secondary effect of the drug. 

"Kakashi!" wind of a sigh left his lungs at the boisterous voice of Might Gai waving from the Dango building nearby. Kakashi looked up, his eyebrows already knitted close together in annoyance. 

"I haven't seen you all day!" his friend smiled, trailing the jounin leader as he continued past the shop. One grey eye had caught sight of Asuma and Kurenai sitting in the Dango shop behind Gai's excited gaze. That was more than enough of a deterrent for the silver-haired ANBU leader. 

"Where are you going?" Gai asked, tapping his shoulder. Kakashi swept his body back, slapping Gai's dark hand off his shoulder. His nose scrunched as he clenched his jaw. The sound of rattling tablets in a plastic container filled the air between them as it fell onto the concrete below. 

Gai's eyes settled on the bottle; his hand lifted right where he had left it to touch his friends shoulder. 

"What is that?" Gai asked quizzically, "Isn't your leg healed?" 

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" Kakashi demanded, picking the bottle up and shoving it back in his pocket. 

"Kakashi," Asuma's voice rang between them, his thick body appearing behind Gai's shoulder, "how have you been?" 

"Fine," Kakashi answered sharply, thankful for the distraction away from the incident that just occurred. Yet, Gai's eyes remained on his friend's. 

"Why don't you join us for some treats?" Kurenai smiled at Asuma's arm. 

"I'm fine, thank you," Kakashi replied forcefully. "I have to go." 

Turning quickly, Kakashi continued away from his friends, cursing himself for not putting the pills in his back pouch rather than his flimsy pocket. The irritation caused his head to hurt, his jaw clenching and flexing near his ears. 

Reaching in, he took another pill dry. 

*****

3 Weeks Later 

Dragging himself back into his apartment, Kakashi's whole body ached. His mind spun in the delirium of the mission he had just finished. The grime and sweat that coated his body caused his skin to sting miserably as he stripped from his uniform. He kicked his pants off, the mingling scent of blood and dirt enveloping his studio flat.

The mission had not been successful. 

Nor had anything else in Kakashi's life over the last two months. 

The bottle of pain meds had dwindled quicker than the shinobi had anticipated. He had mapped out and predicted that he wouldn't need to loot the medical offices again for another few weeks. Yet, when he had upped the dosage again, the pain in his body overwhelming, he hadn't thought of his next move to obtain more pain killers. He had only wanted the ache, and now the intense sense of withdrawal, to stop. 

That had been last week. Now, his bottom drawer was filled with pain medications that should easily last him another month. And yet, as Kakashi slithered his body over to his nightstand, he couldn't help but 5, one extra than usual. 

The relief washed over him as the shower water flooded his body, washing away the painful reminder of a lost comrade from his 5-day extended mission as Captain. He had been responsible for those people, yet the way his mind had been functioning lately, it felt as though he was in a constant fog. Never as sharp as he had been before. But if he didn't take the medication, his body felt like it would die all on its own. Intense nausea, fatigue, and body aches were enough to keep him upping the dosages to keep the symptoms at bay. 

Placing his silver hair against the linoleum tile of his shower, he felt the hot water hitting his back, sliding down his spine in such a delicate matter that it felt trancing. In his mind, flashes of the mission consumed him. 

"Senpai, I think it would be best if I-" Yūgao leaned forward, her mask shielding her brown eyes that stared worriedly at the Captain. 

"I know what's best," Kakashi had warned harshly at the girl, looking over at her through his porcelain mask. 

It hadn't been long before his arrogance and untimely planning had caused Yūgao to perish. The blade that snuck through her chest at his hand was enough to rile his thoughts into more vivid flashbacks of Rin for days.

He hadn't meant to hurt her. She should have known to move away from his target. Yet his arrogance to finish things himself caught up with him, intervening with her battle. He thought she was in danger, but as they carried her body back to the village, his teammate had alluded that she could have handled it herself. He could have just let it be. The fog of his brain distorted reality once more. 

Surely, he would lose his rank as Captain in the morning. 

As the steam of the shower surrounded him now, he tried to think of another plan that could have changed the outcome, but his mind remained in a fog. He couldn't think straight, and the usual relief his body felt from the pain meds quick-acting behavior didn't seem to curb the ruthless thoughts in the swamp of his mind. 

A fist slammed against the tiles, sending water splashing back in his face. Kakashi gritted his teeth, tears mingling with the drips of water hitting his body from the showerhead. He thought of Rin, the way his hand had so easily penetrated her chest, like butter. To take someone's life meant nothing to him when they didn't mean anything to him. Yet, the thought of losing a comrade under his watch at his hand caused resentment and anger to rise in his throat. 

As he toweled himself off, his jaw clenched tight as he looked at himself in the mirror. Slipping a shirt and pants on, he noticed Yūgao's blood that hadn't washed off from a spot on his hair where he had missed. An illusion of more blood on his hands startled him. He swore loudly, his arm aggressively launching his toiletries off the counter and onto the floor as hate flooded him. The sound of glass breaking and items rolling off the tiled floor into the hardwood of his living space were deaf to him as he continued to sob angrily. 

"I can't," he managed to himself, "I can't anymore." 

He thought of his father. The way he had passed away. Kakashi had been there to find him. Who would be there to find Kakashi? Who would want to know where such a loathsome bastard was. Someone who had no emotions and killed his friends. Someone who relied so heavily on pain medications that he could no longer function. How could he stop now? How would he explain where he got the medicine from? He couldn't. 

Four more, he thought. Four more pills would do the trick. Nine pills all together. If it didn't kill him, at least it would let him sleep. Sleep enough where he is so heavily sedated that the memories of his life didn't roll through his mind like some terror film on replay. 

Dad.

Obito. 

Rin. 

Minato. 

Yūgao. 

Dad.

Obito.

Rin.

Minato.

Yūgao.

Dad...

Obito...

Rin...

The pain was unbearable. 

****

The shine of a bowl cut entered Kakashi's apartment building late that night. His footsteps echoed in the hallway as he jogged up the stairway to his friend's apartment. Something deep within Leaf's Blue Beast was disturbed that evening. 

The news of Yūgao's death had swept through the village like the bristles parachutes of a dandelion in the early spring. Everyone who had an interest already knew, and they also knew why. 

"Ah, Kakashi," one shinobi had said upon hearing the news, "that's why they call him 'friend-killer-Kakashi.'" 

Gai knew Kakashi wouldn't have hurt the girl on purpose, let alone a comrade. Yet, the way his friend had been acting recently, he wasn't sure what was going on. The increased irritability, hostility, avoidance, and deceptiveness in Kakashi's personality bothered the jounin to his core. 

He wasn't sure where his feet would take him, but he knew he had to talk to his silver-haired friend. Even if he didn't want to, which he was sure he wouldn't, he needed to know if his long-time pal was recuperating okay. 

Apartment 343. He hadn't been here in a while. At least for a few months now, if not longer. The dark-haired shinobi woefully thought of his friend's deteriorating demeanor. 

Cold-blooded Kakashi, Gai recollected lamentably. He knocked on the door, waiting for an answer. Time passed as he shoved his hands in his green uniform, rolling forward on the balls of his heels. He paused and knocked again. Nothing. 

"Kakashi?" Gai banged on the door, determined to get his friend's attention. He had had enough of the copy-ninja's behavior. Another bang and no one answered. 

Finally, Gai knelt, reaching for the doormat that protected Kakashi's apartment key. If it wasn't there, he was home. As Gai lifted the mat, only dust and dirt resided beneath. 

****

The incessant banging at his door sounded like a far-off drum beating- a sound that tuned in and out in the wavering radio channels of his mind. He couldn't move his body, and he had no desire to. Reality was distant, and his limbs were numb. There were no troubling thoughts that slithered through his mind like a garden snake in the grass. It was only peace. 

****

"Kakashi?" Gai called out, the door smashed open off its hinge behind him. His black eyes settled on his friend, laying placid on his bed. The copy-ninja's hair was still wet from his shower, plastered to his forehead with specks of dirt and blood that he had neglected to wash away. 

"Kakashi!" Gai rushed over, kneeling beside his bed and slapping the pale face of his friend. "Kakashi! Wake up!" 

His lips were blue, and his skin clammy. 

"Kakashi, what happened, my friend? Are you okay? Why didn't-" 

The bottle of pills beside Kakashi's bed laid strewed on the floor, catching his eye. Reaching down, Gai picked up the bottle and read the label. The dots connected, and his eyes widened, two fingers immediately landing on the pulse of his friend's neck. 

Nothing. 

****

In the waiting room, Gai, Kurenai, and Asuma huddled together. 

"They said he overdosed," Gai told the two, his demeanor was unlike any of them had seen previously. Clearly, he was shaken, if not entirely traumatized. 

"Overdosed?" Asuma questioned, "on what?"

"Painkillers," Gai responded, sitting in a chair in defeat. "I saw them. I saw them in his pocket a few weeks ago. I said something, but he didn't-I should have-"

"It's not your fault," Kurenai consoled, sitting down next to Gai. "Please take a deep breath, Gai. You look like you're about to faint." 

"I - he's not going to make it. He didn't have a pulse, and he's not going to make it," Gai uttered, his teeth clenched as he held back tears, "He's my best friend." 

Asuma set a hand down on Gai's shoulder, nodding his head, "I know. We all care about him..."

****

A turf of white hair could be seen in the hospital room convulsing under the electrical cardioversion machine being shoved onto his chest to restart his heartbeat. The electric shock waves burst into his system like a thousand Chidori. 

"Another," the doctor pointed to the nurse operating the equipment. Another push against his chest, and his whole torso moving with the bed beneath him. This continued for a while, the recharging of the electrical unit before the unnerving sound of a body jolting under the pressure of the electricity. 

Time ticked by at the clock in the room, the doctor glancing at it as if to wonder when to call his young shinobi's death. How could this be explained to the leaders? An overdose on pain medication that should have never been in his possession in the first place. 

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ... ba-dum ... 

"He's back," the nurse sighed. 

****

Blurred vision. One charcoal eye trembled open, the silver in his lashes catching the ray of sun cast into the hospital room. Wires surrounded him, pricked in the crevasse of his arm, stickied to his chest, and some unfamiliar machine on his index finger. Dazed by his surroundings, Kakashi carefully turned his head on the pillow, hearing the heart monitor behind him. 

Hiruzen Sarutobi sat beside him. 

"Hokage-sama!" Kakashi spluttered, taken aback by the presence of the Hokage in a hospital room he wasn't sure how he ended up in.

"Settle, Kakashi," Hiruzen commanded gently, his face composed and quiet. Kakashi looked straight ahead, his head spinning. 

"What-?" he began in a raspy voice. 

Hiruzen lifted his hand, the bottle of pills Gai must have provided to him in his palm. Kakashi looked over, his eyes settling on the drugs before putting his head back down on the pillow in defeat. The images came back to him. The desperation to get out of his situation, yet knowing that there was no way out. 

"I'm sorry," Kakashi managed quietly, looking away. "I understand if you-"

"That's enough," Hiruzen said calmly, "I do not need to reprimand you. You are aware that sneaking into the hospital facility to steal pain medications is wrong. Yes, I know - I just didn't expect it to be you."

Kakashi lifted his hand, placing it on his eyes as the stress of the Hokage's words weighed on him. 

"I know this is hard. Your body is reliant on these mediations now. It would be best if you stayed here for some time to detox your body and learn appropriate coping skills. I know - I know you don't want to. But I only wish to help. Which is why I feel it is necessary to pull you from the Black Ops team."

"Lord Third," Kakashi sat up, the wires around him tangling. "I-"

"I've already made up my mind. It is not suitable for you anymore. Actually, I don't think it ever really was. People with kind hearts do not belong in the ANBU," Hiruzen explained, placing the bottle on the nightstand beside him. "And I have a better assignment for you. One I think you may enjoy." 

Kakashi sighed heavily, laying back down. "I don't understand."

"You will," Hiruzen nodded, standing up, "In the meantime, I think there are some people who would like to see you. They care about you very much and were overwhelmed with relief when they heard you were okay. You gave them quite a scare." 

Kakashi scoffed quietly, looking down at the monitor on his hand. 

"It's true," Hiruzen stopped, "you are very well-loved." 

Kakashi looked up quickly at his words, watching as Lord Third sauntered towards the door and waved through the doorway at some unknown individuals to come towards him. A moment later, one eye settled on four individuals, beaming at him with gifts and smiles. 

Iruka. Kurenai. Asuma. 

And his best friend, Gai. 

[scullydubois]

Only the Light Ch. 19

19/? | AU where Melissa moves in with Scully after Scully’s abduction | angst, msr slow-burn, occasional fluff | currently: mid-s3 (canon-divergent) | T | 5.3k | previous chapters | read on ao3 | tagging: @today-in-fic <3

Fate touches Scully's life, as does her own free will.

-----------------------

Can you still call something a miracle when you could not have gone on without it? When, if it hadn’t happened, the death knell would have sounded in your memory? Is that really a miracle, or is it just what had to occur? Certainly what keeps you breathing wouldn’t be so highly esteemed if the chips fell the other way. It would be called a tragedy, and no one wants to live in a world where every moment is caught between the two.

Scully existed there for a little while, but she’s escaped. Maybe for good. Because this--the Lace’s sacrifice, her signature on the adoption paper, her baby in her arms--is no miracle. This is God realizing she’s gotten her fair share, that he owes her a break. This is her fate.

In more normal circumstances, the foster family and the adoptive parent would have no contact. Social services would handle the transition. Since those barriers are already broken in Emily’s case, the state allows the Lace’s and their son to accompany Emily as she’s turned over to Scully. The nondescript woman in the polo shirt joins them as a witness to the custody change, and so they all find themselves at Bill Jr.’s house--of all places--for one grievous goodbye and a destined hello.

Mrs. Lace passes Emily to Scully moments after the family walks through the door. Her red-rimmed eyes reveal the depth of her agony. 

“Take her,” she says. “I need to start letting go while she’s still in my sight.”

Scully bites her lip, feels Emily’s pudgy hand press into her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Lace. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I’ll make good on my promise to send pictures and updates, I swear.”

“Thank you, Dana.” She sighs. “It’ll be an adjustment.”

Her husband taps the head of the little boy by his knee. “This is Andrew, our son. He wanted to make sure Emily has the best life possible, so he made you a guide to her favorite things.”

The boy--no more than five--holds up a construction paper booklet with crayon drawings of him and baby Emily. How To Mak My Sister Smile, his stilted handwriting reads. Scully’s heart skips a beat as she accepts it from him. She kneels down so he’s level with her and Emily. 

“Thank you, Andrew. This is so sweet and I’ll be sure to read every bit of it and make sure your sister smiles every single day, okay?”

He nods, but tears cloud his vision. 

Scully turns Emily so that she’s perched on her knee, facing Andrew. “Tell me--what’s your favorite thing to do with your sister?” she asks him softly. 

He rubs his eyes and nose. “I like to show her my cars,” he stammers.

“Your cars? Wow!” Scully effuses. It’s not often that she gets to work on her kiddie voice, and she’ll need that now.

The color returns Andrew’s face. “Yeah, yeah, my race cars! I have a mat for them, and I push them around the track, and she watches. She likes the races. They make her laugh sometime.” 

“Wow! You sound like a great big brother.”

“Yeah, and I like her bouncy thing too,” he sputters. “It was mine before.”

“An activity jumper,” Mr. Lace clarifies. “From Fisher-Price.”

“Ahh.” Scully’s happy to get any insight she can into her daughter’s early life. The Lace’s offered to send some toys with Emily, but Scully will only accept a couple onesies and Emily’s beloved stuffed rabbit. She doesn’t want to take any more from them than she already is.

She adjusts Emily on her knee, looks to Andrew. “Do you wanna give your sister a hug?”

“Okay.” He moves bashfully toward her and wraps his arms around Emily. He holds on until Emily begins to fuss, then steps back like he’s been caught sneaking away from time out. 

“Emily’s lucky to have a big brother like you,” Scully tells him. “Your parents have my phone number, and you can call and talk to her whenever you want, okay? I know she can’t say much yet, but she’ll grow into it, and besides, she’ll recognize your voice.” Scully offers him a spirit-boosting smile. “Does that sound good?”

He nods, hands linked behind his back. Stranger shyness has taken over.

“Good. She’s gonna need her big brother to stick up for her.”

Scully stands up, clutching Emily to her chest. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Lace,” Scully addresses them, “it’s impossible for me to sum up how deeply, deeply grateful I am for you and your sacrifice. It is no exaggeration to say that you have saved my life. I can already tell that Emily is so lucky to have been raised by you--that you have done an incredible job--and I hope that the two of us will continue to be a part of you and your son’s lives as Emily grows up.”

Mrs. Lace dabs her cheeks with a tissue. Mr. Lace frowns at his wife’s pain. “That means a great deal to us, Dana,” he replies. 

“We feel blessed to have led Emily through her formative months,” his wife murmurs through her tear-strickenness. 

The man nods. “She’s a wonderful kid, and I’m sure some of that comes from you.”

Scully smiles tautly. “I could say the same of you. Thank you for giving her the start I was denied from providing her.”

“You’ll let us know if you need any help, won’t you?”

“Of course. I’ll have your number on speed dial by the end of the night.”

The Lace’s formal goodbye had taken place at home, they said, and dragging out their visit would only make matters worse. They leave Bill Jr.’s house after a few short minutes, advancing down the front steps like a funeral procession.

When the door shuts and Scully’s baby is in her arms, she realizes that this will be her life for the rest of her life. What joy--! What horror--!

----------------------------

The heater’s gentle sigh provides a generous rush of white noise as the girls settle for sleep. It’s the time of year when San Diego’s nightly temperatures start drifting away from perfection, when sleeping with the windows open no longer has such appeal. According to Bill, it’s not cold enough to turn on the heating system (surprise, surprise) so he pulled a dusty space heater from the closet for the “girl’s room” to share. Like a gentleman, Mulder took the couch (as if he had any other option), leaving Scully, Missy, and now Emily with the guest room. A family affair, one generation rounded out by another.

It’s a convenient arrangement, really. Bill doesn’t have a crib and it’s not worth buying one for a single night, so Emily will be sleeping on the bed like a grown-up. If Missy weren’t there as a physical barrier, Scully would be taking the chance that Emily might roll off the unattended side. Instead, the little girl’s mother and aunt will be an arm’s length away for her first sleep with her new family. A symbolic gesture of the protection they hope to provide for the rest of her life. 

It’s a wonder how smoothly the transition has gone. Emily hasn’t shed a single tear since the family she knew left her in this strange house. Then again, Scully has never seen her daughter cry; like her mother, she must not be prone to it. 

Tara served a ham for dinner while Scully spooned mashed carrots and peas into Emily’s mouth, her helicopter parenting beginning early. Mulder made some joke about gourmet baby food, and everybody laughed except Bill, and Scully felt that she finally understood what was meant by family--some who share your blood will never fit into it, but some who were once strangers will more than make up for that absence. 

And now, as Scully lowers her onesie-clad daughter onto the guest bed, there is peace. Terror, too, lingers in her mind, but it’s the unwarranted kind. She is the mother to a healthy baby girl. Yes, there will be challenges. Yes, a person loved separately from yourself is a person you could lose. But the summit has been reached; the worst did not happen, and now everything else pales in comparison. As far as Scully’s concerned, she can never be truly hurt again. Because if anything happens to Emily, well, this is what Scully asked for, and what gives her the right to complain? Beggars can’t be choosers, and she begged God for this...The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. This happened in the opposite order for her, so she can only assume more loss is to come, and she will accept it. She will.

Scully slides beneath the comforter, snaking her arm out from under to rest a hand on the small of her baby’s back. A comfort very familiar to her, and one she will bequeath to her daughter. They have the bed to themselves for now. Missy is in the living room downing a beer with the boys and trying to compete with (or mediate?) their trash talk. In the past, a situation like this might worry Scully, but those old concerns look so small now. 

Only a few hours in, and she already feels much more at home with the title of mother, much more deserving of it. The first diaper she changed rivaled some of the operations she witnessed in med school, both in its gruesome nature and in requiring multiple pairs of hands. Mulder would help if Emily was a boy, he swore, but he claimed to be “out of his depth with her plumbing” as he put it. Missy quipped that you sure are and it made even Bill laugh and life was wonderfully rose-colored through Dana Scully’s eyes. 

She hopes for sweet dreams for herself, but much more so, for her daughter, and she is aware that this is how it will be for the rest of time. Having been half-asleep when she was put down, Emily lulls into even-breathed dozing before Scully can decide on a lullaby. No harm done; Scully’s vocal cords haven’t seen regular exercise since college karaoke, and she’d hate to disappoint so soon.

When she opens her eyes again (she hadn’t realized she closed them, but apparently she had), Emily is deep in sleep, her eyelids twitching to the rhythm of her unseen dreams. And Missy has joined them too, her mouth drooping like it did when the sisters shared a bed every Christmas Eve. Scully doesn’t know what time it is, and with such a picture perfect view in front of her, she won’t dare to roll over and check the bedside clock. How nice it is to exist beyond time’s constraints, even for a moment. 

Scully is as present, maybe, as she’s ever been. She’s touched by the past and the future, ironically giving her a heightened awareness of now. One side of her consciousness is borne back into childhood and the many nights she slept by her sister’s side--in this very city, in fact. The other sees a path of hope unfurling in front of it, finally. She wonders whether her happiness might multiply, like a drop of food coloring unleashed into water. Might Emily be the shield that she’s needed?...Maybe the loss she expects will not be what comes.

And what that could mean...she has meant, for a long time now, to plant Mulder firmly in her life. Partner is much too fleeting--the Bureau could close the X-Files tomorrow, and then they’d be nothing but ex-coworkers. They’ve established where they stand through silences that say more than words ever could. She loves him, he loves her, and my god, neither one wants to lose that. It’s only now that Scully is realizing that they haven’t--or she, rather, hasn’t--embraced what they have, and so there is nothing to lose, and very little to cherish. 

With all this change in her life, she thinks, why not add that to the list?

--------------------------------------

They fly back into DC on Emily’s first birthday. November 2nd. Or at least, that’s the date that was left on the note at the foster agency. Scully isn’t sure exactly what she was doing last November 2nd, but she wasn’t having a baby, that’s certain. It was around the time of Aubrey, Missouri and BJ and nightmares, she remembers that. Plus, the phantom pregnancy, and the fear. The universe has a way of echoing itself.

They’re off to Mama Scully’s as soon as they make it off the tarmac. She’s aching to see her granddaughter, as she let Dana and Melissa know through a barrage of phone calls. I even made cupcakes and bought decorations for a warm welcome home! she insisted. Neither one of them can remember their mother being this excited about anything since...honestly? Ever. And they can’t blame her; Emily is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to their family. If only their father were here to meet her.

This is the sorrow that Scully has not had time to pick at. Her hero, her role model, the blueprint for all she wants Emily to be, not around to see it happen. She can’t think further than that; it’s the loose string that would unravel the sweater.

Mama Scully opens the door before they make it up the front steps, armed with yellow balloons and a party hat for the birthday girl. What a way to meet your grandmother. 

“Hello dear!” It’s unclear whether she’s referring to Emily, one of her daughters, or the three as a unit. “Look at you…” she cups her hands around Emily’s head, and now they’re pretty sure who she’s referring to. “You’re like a little princess!”

Scully smirks. She’s glad to witness her mother’s happiness, of course, but they’ve just finished five hours of travelling with a baby. “Mom, please, could you save the theatrics for inside?”

“Oh, I have a whole other set of theatrics planned there,” Mama Scully quips. She clears the way, ushers the group into the house. 

She touches Mulder’s shoulder as he passes. “Fox! I almost didn’t see you there.”

“Well, I can’t compete with Emily, so I don’t blame you.”

“She is precious, isn’t she?” Mrs. Scully gazes toward the doorway that Scully and Emily have since deserted. “There’s a place for you in Emily’s future, you know.”

Mulder shoves his hands in his pockets. “Oh.” He doesn’t know what else to say to that, and besides, it should be up to Scully.

“Unless there’s another woman in your life…?”

“No, no, I just--” he chuckles. “I didn’t expect that.”

Mama Scully lays a hand on his arm. “I care about you, Fox. Your well-being is deeply connected with my daughter’s.”

“Yes, of course…” He really, really would like to go in now. 

“And it’s important to me that she has a strong support system throughout this ordeal. Raising a child is a tremendous challenge, and I don’t want her to feel that the burden is hers alone.”

“I completely agree.”

“That’s why you should adopt Emily, too. Give her the gift of a father.”

Mulder’s brain short-circuits. “I--what? Mrs. Scully, I don’t know--”

She puts a hand on his back and leads him inside. “Think about it. You and Dana, forming a family for this child that needs one. It would be a little untraditional, of course, but the wedding could come in due time, no need to rush.”

Mulder’s head is spinning. This is a practical joke, right? The hidden cameras can feel free to reveal themselves any time now. 

The pair stops in the front hallway, a safe distance from everyone else in the kitchen. Mulder tries to mold his thoughts into cohesive sentences.

“Mrs. Scully, your intentions are good, but I think this solution is a bit extreme. I’m more than happy to help with Emily as much as possible, but becoming her father would just make things more complicated for all involved. And trust me, even if I were onboard, there’s no way Dana would go for it.”

Mama Scully nods. “I anticipated that. I’m going to talk with her tonight, straighten things out.”

Mulder does an awkward side-to-side shuffle. “If there’s one thing I know about her, it’s that her mind is not easily changed.” 

“Yes, well, I doubt this is something Dana has given much thought to. I’m hoping to get my argument across before she takes sides.”

“Mmm.” Mulder looks off toward the kitchen, where he would like to be. 

“I’ll let Dana know that we’ve discussed my proposition,” Mama Scully continues, “and then you two can talk it over, alright? I don’t mean to force you into anything. It just feels like a logical step. I’m sure you’d agree that your relationship is deeper than that of many married couples.”

“Sure, but it’s very different too,” Mulder mutters. This is not a topic to delve into with his partner’s mother, of all people. “I don’t know that they can be compared.”

“Perhaps you should consider it.” 

Mrs. Scully holds her hardened glance for a long second, and Mulder is the one who breaks. He scoots out of her direct line of sight, then gestures for her to go before him into the kitchen. “Shall we?”

------------------------------

They celebrate Emily’s 365th day around the sun like they’ve been by her side for every one of them. Before the crew arrived, Mama Scully whipped up vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles, or as she put it, “a little bit of everything since I don’t know what she likes.” She even bought a happy birthday banner and sharpied in Emily’s name--not to mention five birthday hats and a humongous 1 candle that a single cupcake can barely hold up. 

It’s a testament to Emily’s character that she’s so unbothered by it all. She lets Mama Scully slip the hat into place, shows no visible distress to the admiration she receives from the room. She prefers her mother’s arms over anyone else’s--they are, after all, the most familiar of the unfamiliar--but she’s content anywhere that welcomes her. And this is a place where she is most welcome.

Scully reminds herself to capture these little moments in her mind...Emily’s effervescent giggle as Missy tickles the bottoms of her feet,  Mulder helping Mama Scully add extra sprinkles to each cupcake, the warm hug of a family’s company. Love, love, there is so much love here. 

The time comes for cake and singing and blown-out candles. Well, candle in this case. Mulder performs the honor of lighting said candle as everyone gathers around, Emily nestled in her mother’s arms. 

“Ready?” Mulder inquires. He conducts in time with his countdown. “One, two, one, two, three…”

The rendition is not in tune on anyone’s part (though Missy is the closest), but at least their intentions are harmonious. Scully’s heart swells. Mulder and Missy throw in a zany “and many more!” for the cherry on top of a joyous moment. Scully mourns its end; the birthday song is much too brief.

“Make a wish!” Missy chirps, and Scully leans forward and blows out the flame for her daughter. Safety, happiness, love...these are the things she asks for. These are the things that everyone deserves. 

Scully’s not surprised when her mother pulls her aside a few minutes later and leads her to the library, leaving Emily at Missy and Mulder’s mercy. Her mother is fond of sentimental speeches, but not brave enough for an audience. Scully steels herself for a mushy-gushy outpouring. 

Mama Scully shuts the door, turns to her daughter. “I’m overflowing with joy. Aren’t you?”

“Yes, mom,” Scully answers, tiresome already. “I’m a bit afraid this is all a dream that I’ll wake up from at any moment.”

“Pinch yourself. You’ll see that it’s not, I promise.”

Scully pinches her bicep, more for her mother’s amusement than anything. This is, in fact, reality.

“You must be very overwhelmed, I imagine,” Mrs. Scully remarks, beginning to pace. Scully follows with her eyes. 

“There is a lot that I haven’t sorted out yet, yes,” Scully replies, her suspicion about her mother’s intentions growing. “Work, for example. I only have one more day off, and then I have to explain everything to Skinner, and hopefully I’ll qualify for maternity leave. But the Bureau isn’t very good about that, it’s only two weeks.”

“Just remember that I’m always available to babysit Emily if you need it.”

“I know, mom.”

Mama Scully allows herself to get side-tracked for a moment. “You have a crib though? And diapers, and a high chair?”

Scully nods. “Required for the home study.”

“Good.” Mama Scully sweeps back a wayward piece of her daughter’s hair. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re all alone in this.”

Her mother’s soft gaze unearths a sudden swell of emotion; tears prick at the back of Scully’s eyes. “I know, mom.”

“And I know that you’re gonna say you are Emily’s only legal guardian, and so you are technically alone, but you know what? You don’t have to be,” Mama Scully asserts. “There is someone out there who is willing to fill that void for you.”

Scully rolls her eyes, her brief emotional trance broken. “Don’t tell me you're gonna set me up with the Prizatskys’ son again.”

“Oh no,” Mrs. Scully laughs. “Besides, he’s engaged now.”

“Oh.” Scully tries to miss the patronization in her mother’s voice. 

“What I’m saying is,” Mrs. Scully continues, “there is a man in your life who is loyal, trustworthy, hard-working, and in the perfect position to provide for you and Emily.”

“If you’re referring to Mulder,” Scully starts, an eyebrow raised, “I’m not exactly planning to shun him anytime soon.”

“Yes, but have you ever truly let him in?”

Mrs. Scully has aimed her arrow and hit her target, a stunning blow. The most damning parts of Scully’s inner dialogue have just been echoed back at her. 

Wounded, she swallows hard. “That’s really none of your business. And just because he’s in my life doesn’t mean that he magically fills the role of Emily’s father. How would that even work? Emily would have to be shuttled back and forth...She’d be split between one parent and the other...It would make her life more hectic.”

“Dana, Dana…” Mama Scully pulls her daughter close, recognizing that she’s struck a nerve. Scully stiffens into the hug. “Remember when you were little, and your father would be gone on long deployments, and you’d draw pictures of him in his uniform, and tell your class about how your father was a Navy captain, and you were so proud? You barely had a sense of what that meant, but you knew he was doing something important.”

Scully relaxes into their embrace. “And when I missed him the worst, you’d let me wear his old sailor hat.”

“Yes.” Mama Scully takes a hearty breath. “I was there every day, feeding you, bathing you, sending you off to school...and you loved me, I don’t doubt that, but I wasn’t the one who put stars in your eyes.”

Scully nods against her mother’s shoulder. Damn, if she isn’t winding her way toward a convincing point.

“Emily’s gonna love you whatever you choose. But the fuller her life is--the more love she’s surrounded by--the more she’ll have to give, and the brighter her light will shine.”

Scully sniffles, shaken by the truth of this. God, to know as much love as she’s known in her life and resist it still. That’s not the way a life is meant to be lived.

“Thank you, mom,” she whispers in her mother’s ear. It’s an imprecise affirmation--encompassing everything and yet a specific something that she can no longer reject. 

Scully pulls away, smiles at her mom. “No more meddling, okay? I’ll sort this out for myself.”

Mama Scully laughs. “You just needed that push. Now that the ball’s rolling, I’ll leave it alone.”

“You’d better,” Scully teases. She gestures toward the door. “I should get back to my baby.”

“Yes,” Mama Scully grins, “you should.”

-------------------------------

The knock on the door comes at a quarter to noon, as Scully expected. She didn’t expect that she’d be scrubbing grape juice off the tile when it happened, but hey, these are the disruptions everyone in her life will have to get used to. Including--especially--her. 

“I’ll get it!” Missy’s voice breezes through the apartment. 

A moment later, Scully finds herself level with a pair of black dress shoes. Big ones. A twelve if she had to guess.

“Scully, if you wanna know my shoe size, just ask,” Mulder jests, and has he read her mind? She feels like she’s been caught in a compromising act, though she’s done nothing but wipe up a sticky purple mess. She cranes her neck, looks up at him.

“Good morning, Mulder,” she mumbles, running her hand over the spill area. Coming up clean, she finds her footing. The top of her head is even with her partner’s collarbone. 

Scully thumbs toward Emily, who is gobbling cheese crackers in her high chair without a care in the world. “Apparently she doesn’t like grape juice.”

“Grape juice?” Mulder jeers. “She knows orange juice is where it’s at.”

Scully ignores him, but makes a mental note to add OJ to the grocery list. And apple too, just to be safe.

“Let me get my shoes and I’ll be ready to go,” she says, shuffling off in her pantyhose without waiting for a response. 

They have a lunchtime meeting with Skinner to explain...well, everything. Mulder doesn’t need to be there--as his partner was quick to remind him--but he insists on advocating for her. No amount of I’m not a damsel in distress, Mulder will put him off. She’s so much more than that, he knows. Hence why he’s got to do all he can so her life isn’t defined by its crises. Besides, he’ll take any excuse to sneak down to the office on his day off.

He told Scully he’d pick her up because it’d be easier on her, sure, but also because he has an important delivery to make. He nods to Missy, and she grabs the goods off the front table. He wanted to make his entrance before the big moment. His presence known, he’s ready to go.

“Emily, Uncle Mulder brought something for you!” Missy sing-songs as she places the gifts in Mulder’s hidden hands. The girl looks up, her attention easily diverted here and there. 

Mulder tries to tip-toe forward--hands behind his back--without coming off as creepy, which is harder than it seems. He takes it as a good sign that Emily doesn’t spook and wonders what it means that Missy called him Uncle Mulder. Did she and Scully have a conversation about it? Is this what he’ll be known as? Or was that just a last minute reach to fill the space? 

He pushes these thoughts away, focuses on the blue-eyed girl in front of him. 

“Emily,” he begins, and it rolls off his tongue like a devotion, “I thought your bunny might like some friends.”

He reveals the fox first, then the UFO. His personal mark on Emily’s budding stuffed animal collection. She lets out a peep of astonishment and reaches for the fox, fascinated with its bushy tail. She hits it back and forth so it wags like a dog’s.

Mulder chuckles, his brain lighting up in places it never has before. Missy hangs back and waits for her sister to reemerge. Sure enough, Scully melts at the sight, stopping short so she doesn’t interrupt it. She clutches her heart. She and Missy share a smile.

“My, my, look at this,” Scully saunters in, ruffles Emily’s hair. “Do you know what this is, Em?” she asks, patting the fox. “This is a fox.”  She points to Mulder. “And this is a Fox, too!” 

Emily doesn’t get the joke, but that’s okay. 

“And do you know what this is?” Mulder prompts, picking up the flying saucer. He moves it through the air like it’s flying. Emily reaches for it, and god, Mulder knows the feeling.

“This is a UFO, Emily,” Mulder tells her sweetly. “Aliens!”

“No, no.” Scully plucks the UFO from his hand. “No aliens, Em.” 

She lays the saucer on the high chair tray. “Mama’s gotta go away for a little bit, but I’ll be back soon.” She kisses Em’s temple. “Auntie Missy will be right here.”

Missy steps forward. “We can play with Mr. Fox and the al--” Scully shoots her a look. ”The UFO!” she corrects, winking at Mulder. She scoops her niece out of the high chair. “Say ‘bye Mama!’”

Emily doesn’t have that grasp on words yet, and they all know it, but Missy gets her to wave. “Okay, now ‘bye Uncle Mulder!’” Another wave. Smiles all around.

Mulder and Scully move reluctantly toward the door. Scully groans as Missy and the baby girl slip from her view. 

“They’ll be okay,” Mulder assures his partner.

“I know,” Scully sighs, “but will I?”

Mulder rests his hand in the familiar spot on her back as they exit her apartment. “Absolutely. Skinner will grant you the leave, and you’ll be back with your baby in no time.”

She nods, bites her lip, and slows, suddenly wistful. Mulder stops, turns to her. “Scully…?”

“Mulder, did my mom have a conversation with you?”

He nods. 

“And...did you think it was kind of crazy too?”

He nods again.

She takes a breath and rises to her tip-toes. She could pretend not to know what she’s doing, but she does. Oh, she does. 

“But not out of the realm of extreme possibility…?” she coos, eyes centered on his lips. 

Mulder smiles shyly. He always expected it would be this way: Scully the coquette to his boyish ineptitude. Who knew she’d be stealing his lines.

His hands find her waist, pulling her closer there in the hallway. “No, no,” he muses, “I think it’s pretty solidly in the realm…” He nuzzles her neck, breathes in her sweet smell, and nibbles her ear, all in the beat of a hummingbird’s wing. “...of extreme possibility,” he purrs into her ear, satisfied with himself. 

It reminds Scully of do you believe in the existence of  ~extraterrestrials~ and how she knew then that he was a little bit unhinged, whip-snap smart, and too goddamn charming for his own good. That either fate or her own unconquerable desire would bring them together. She knows now that fate conspired to keep them apart. What’s unfolding is neither an act of its hand nor a last-ditch effort of a dead-end life. It is one choice among many, undertaken out of sheer belief in the happiness it could bring.

She looks into his eyes, which look back at her with a caramel-drizzle melt. Yes, yes, this is right. She fans a hand out on his cheek, runs her thumb over his mole. She has always wanted to touch it, but could never come up with a good excuse. 

They’ve delayed the inevitable long enough. Scully leans in, still on her tip-toes, and Mulder bends to close the distance. Their lips meet, and there’s no fireworks. No, it’s simple serenity. Like coming home after a long time away--though this is a house they have never walked into until now, they have a feeling they will be walking into it for the rest of their lives.

And then Scully pulls away, and it’s over but it’s just beginning.

[iris-westallen1]

The Happiest Day Of Our Life

‘’Well today was the worst day ever’’ iris said as she dove right on the couch. Barry just sat there staring at his beautiful wife so mesmerized he didn’t even realize she was talking to him but he couldn’t help it he was married to the most gorgeous woman on the planet he still doesn’t know how he got this lucky to have her in his life… ‘’ BARRY!!’’ he was immediately withdrawn from his thought blushing and rubbing his neck a habit he had formed since he was little.    ‘’ are you even listening to me’’ iris said with a slightly annoyed face mixed with concern.

‘’ sorry honey but it’s your fault I wasn’t paying attention’’ Barry cheekily replied.

‘Look at him looking so smug with that cocky smile ugh I could just slap him and fuck him at the same time, gosh why is he so hot making my ovaries explode’’ iris thought to herself.

‘’ you know honey cocky is not a good look on you’’ said a smiling iris

‘’oh, you love it and me’’

‘’ well, I supposed that is true’’ iris slaps his knee as she get’s up from where she was laying on the couch to come snuggle into Barry’s side ‘’ hmmm I missed you today’’ iris said as she coos into Barry

‘’ babe I am sorry your day didn’t go as you wanted it to.’’ Barry strokes her arm and side ‘’ do you want to tell me what was going on’’

‘’ I know it might sound petty or whatever but its team citizen if I can even call it that Kamilla’s gone and Allegra she’s never there she’s always at star labs and I get that she ha powers and whatever but I would like her to take her job more seriously and not for her personal gain, I feel bad for what happened to her cousin I seriously geniounly do but the only time you hear her talk about the citizen is if she needs something from us and its making me seriously regret promoting her.’’ Iris took a deep breath she knows how this might sound and it might just be her hormones but she is seriously tired of Allegra’s behavior.

Barry saw how distressed his wife was about this so he decided not to say anything until she has gotten it all out her chest.

After taking a deep breath iris continued ‘’ so today I was in the office getting ready to go investigate karma, Kramer whatever the fuck her name is and I find myself missing and employee so I called her just to learn she is hanging around frost and Caitlin for what reason I do not know I’m her mentor not them I’m not paying her to hang out with them and I was just like you know what its fine so I just left her and went about my way to go investigate Kramer in doing that surprise surprise my dad is investigating her with Cecil when I was the one who brought this case to him and he brushed me off like it was nothing. And that’s another thing I am so fed up with my dad.’’ At this point iris is bawling her eyes and all Barry wants to do it take that pain away from her.

‘’ my dad hasn’t been acting like my dad for a while now and it took me getting stuck in a mirror to realize it. You know he never once asked me how I was doing when I came out of the mirror, he just brushed it aside like I wasn’t gone for 3 months he could at least show some emotions.’’ Her voice was cracking at this point ‘’ h- ho- how I- is it * sniff sniff* that his more of a father to you than he is to meeeeeeee’’ her chest and shoulder moving frantically.

Barry finally goes in soothing her ‘’ I am so so sorry you feel this way, how long have you been holding this in and I didn’t even notice, I am so sorry baby, just let it all out’’ Barry said as he rubs his hands in soothing circles on her back ‘’ just let it out I’m here’’

When she is calm enough she continues ‘’ I just feel so neglected as a daughter by him and Cecil Cecil doesn’t even try to bond with me, she’s been with my dad for so long and I don’t even know anything about her and when we do talk she always uses her powers to invade my privacy and when she does that she can’t even be subtle about it she always has to my extra and do to much’’ by this time iris is finished crying now what she feels is rage towards these people. ‘’ she is literally everywhere when there was still  a team citizen was still a thing she became our ‘lawyer’ and no one even asked her to no offence to her but she suck as a lawyer’’ Barry starts laughing and nodding his head because it the truth. ‘’ I’m serious hahaha but it’s funny though but seriously I don’t even know why we hired her as your lawyer for your trial she couldn’t even win it she had to use ralph pretend to be devoe for her to win and I thought she was the best Caitlin and frost are dumb to hire her as a lawyer she couldn’t even win their case and if she cant win any of our case what is her use at star labs her powers are useless there no offense she could be home with Jenna and speaking of Jenna it sucks that we never see her they never talk about her unless its to say they are talking to their babysitter so instead of her to go take care of her child she’d over here acting like a child and sticking her nose in everyone’s business. I am so sick of her.’’ Barry just sat there looking at iris and after hearing all she said he can’t help but see the truth in what she’s saying, how could he have been so blind to this. As he continues to rub her back iris gathers even more courage to finally let this all off her chest ‘’ after cisco left the one person at star labs besides you I could stand was gone he was my sunshine twin he would always try to cheer me up when we lost Nora and even when I lost you to the speed force he was always there for me and I miss him and I miss Kamilla because she understood me we where becoming close friends before we got stuck in the mirror together and now we have an unbreakable bond because of that experience and now she’s gone too not only did I lose my best worker but I lost my best friend too. All of a sudden Iris seemed to get angrier Barry didn’t know why but his about to.

‘’ Caitlin and frost’’ she said their names with as much annoyance as she could muster up ‘’ they are the biggest entitled people I have ever met before frost was a thing it was the way Caitlin always looked at me like I was beneath her or something like she couldn’t get rid of me fast enough then frost came and bitch tried to kill me because she wanted dick and some other issues I had never did anything to her never spoke to her but all of a sudden she wants to kill me why I have no idea and what pisses me of is the way we just forgive her just because she did the right thing in the end and blasted Savitar she came to h.r funeral and she left to go find herself or whatever you went into the speed force and she abandoned me, Wally, cisco, and dad to fend of the bad guys on our own. Then Caitlin came up in her in her high horse to bring you out of the speed force like she’s been here all along, then she lost frost with the whole devoe thing Caitlin literally put your life and gypsy’s life in danger all because she wanted frost back and despite my better judgment I went up to her during the baby shower we threw for Cecile to offer up my help to find the bitch frost for her and she was just snarky with me saying no she will find her I just gave up on that hoe what still confusing is how she can perform all this surgery’s she’s doing since she hasn’t done them since med school like isn’t she a bio scientist or whatever like how did she become team doctor she literally has no experience in that field all she does is just stitch you up with pretty much all of us can do now and she acts like she has the most important job there dragging Allegra and Cecile along with her.’’ Iris shakes her head ‘’ you know what’s do funny’’ iris asked Barry ‘’ what’’ Barry genuinely curious ‘’ that whole frost trial and how Caitlin was like we have to get her out she’s my sister, since when though, anyways they arrested frost for a crime that she actually committed its not like she didn’t commit them she literally tried to kill me and she wanted her to go Scot free when you went to prison for a crime you actually didn’t commit it just pissed me of and instead of dumb bitch to just take the cure she volunteered her self for life in prison thinking she was doing sum, I might not like Kramer but what she did to frost was not a bad thing she all she did was try to make frost take responsibility for her actions. But she never does like always she literally gets out of prison after like two days.’’

‘’ and another thing that pisses me off is the way they treat Chester that boy is so sweet and deserves to be treated with kindness so that why it irritates and makes me so angry to hear that Caitlin was yelling at him for getting hit even sue warned Allegra not to pursue after her cousin but she did anyways and brought her to star labs without our permission knowing she’s a dangerous criminal when her and Allegra get into it she blast Chester who was just there to bring them snacks and somehow Caitlin made it Chester’s fault? Like how does that even make sense. I am just sick and tired of all of this. I am supposed to be happy right now basking in love with my husband trying to conceive our daughter and we can’t even have the privacy of knowing if were pregnant or not because of Cecile invading your thoughts once again the negative result you got was meant to be shared with me not her and I know this is wrong but I am glad that the test came negative because it would be so unfair of her to know that I am pregnant before I know all because she’s nosy.’’ Iris finally finished her rant with a deep breath, she looks up at Barry and all she finds in his eyes are adoration, understanding, anger, disappointment, and love.

‘’what?’’ iris asked

‘’ you are the strongest person that I know’’ Barry whispers to her ‘’I don’t know how you let this in for this long because one thing I know for sure is that I certainly would have burst long ago.’’

‘’ I am so sorry that you’ve had to keep this all in for this long’’ Barry said caressing her cheeks ‘’ and I’m sorry If you felt like you couldn’t tell me, thank you for bringing it to my attention and after listening to you things need to change for one our personal life needs to stop being discussed at star labs where everyone can hear and the second is that Caitlin needs to not be our doctor and she is certainly not going to be delivering our baby and most importantly we need to set boundaries for Cecile’’

‘’ thank you, babe, for listening to me and letting me get this rant of my chest, I feel so much lighter.’’

‘’ its my job iris there is no need to thank me I will always be on your side ALWAYS.’’

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 124

Second half of the exhibition!  Mac’s performance here is based on an actual incident that occurred with one of the many actual cats that Mac is based on.

Trigger warnings for blood here.

Thanks go to @baelpenrose for his beta-reading and Arthur, @zommbiebro for Jokul, @books-and-cartoons for GK, @werewolf2578 for Michael and all the other characters you have added to this story, and @charlylimph-blog for her characters. <3 you both!

“Who is competing in the canine rounds?” Coffey asked, steering the topic smoothly. 

“Myself,” Grandma Kim gestured. “Michael and Sparkles, Derek and Machiavelli, for the service round. I believe there are a few more for the security round, but I don’t recall whom.”  From GK, that was basically saying they were so far beneath her notice that she refused to learn their names.

A chime sounded, indicating that the intermission had ended. Arthur, Coffey, and I made our way back into the stands, waving to Simon as he worked his way onto the sidelines. Ivan had initially come down ahead of me and Maverick, but was also packing the floor with the competitors for the upcoming events. As soon as we took our seats, Evania announced the next event - sure enough, it was the service and security animal exhibitions.

Rather than the participants stepping forward, Antoine took the floor after Evan. “Previously, these events were separated and considered the ‘canine’ events.  However, it has been brought to my attention, most ardently, that service and security animals are not limited to canines, even with the limited amount of animals we currently have on the Ark. As such, we are combining the service and security events, and this year there is a non-canine participant.  Due to the nature of the exhibition, I will be personally monitoring from the sidelines in case there is any need for interventions.  Also, as with in the past, please be assured that all participants in these events are volunteers and a med bay is on standby.”

Medbay is on standby? I wondered. I didn’t recall that before, but I also hadn’t paid more attention than was necessary to know how many jerky treats to give Lyric and Sparkles.

First up was our veteran, Lyric the First. The elder stateswoman of Ark companions may have hobbled onto the field, but she went through her paces as a service animal with tidy precision. On top of that, the second the ‘security’ portion started and someone brandished a weapon at GK, all concept of ‘elder’ went out the window and Lyric became 120lbs of teeth and fury, daring the faux-attacker to come within six feet of her charge.

I could feel Coffey shudder beside me, at the same time that I could see Arthur nod with approval.  I couldn’t lie - there was a part of me that remembered this same dog standing over me when Maverick first dropped by unexpectedly, and I was warmed to know that I had been so safe in that moment.

After the applause due such a respected member of the community, Lyric the First was taken off the field, and it was Lyric II’s turn to show how she lived up to the name.  Sure enough, she displayed the same precision in the service animal rounds, but it was clear that she knew this was for show in the security segment.  Rather than the degree of savagery her mother had shown, Lyric II was clearly a little confused by the fake-attack.  She still received her applause and treats, however, while GK was obviously considering how much more training was needed.

Michael and Sparkle were next, and their performance was on-par with Lyric the First. Rather than having Sparkle function as a service animal for Michael, Sam had volunteered. The moment loud noises started to upset Sam, Sparkle nudged him into a prone position and brought his ribbon over.  If someone tried to step to close, she calmly pushed them back. Due to her youth, Michael did step in for the security portion - Sparkle wasn’t trained to decide between security and support yet - and that was where she shined.  Without hesitation, she took a defensive stance at any aggression toward Michael, and really did Lyric the First proud.

And then, the fourth round happened. That was what set the crowd’s eyebrows on end, the round with non-stop chatter throughout.

On the contrary to the rounds with both Lyrics and Sparkle, there was no leash, there were no steps to walk through. Instead, the crowd saw Derek Okafor walk out, carrying a lavender blanket and pillow, with a solid mass of feline ink trailing behind him.  Rather than lead Mac through any actions, Derek set the pillow down, curled up on the floor, and covered himself with the blanket.  In an action I had witnessed on more occasions than I could count, Mac curled his impressive mass on the blanket, just outside of Derek’s elbow.  Directed audio amplified Mac’s purring so everyone could hear it, even in the furthest seats.

Suddenly, the audio in the gym played discordant noises.  Not even waiting for Derek to flinch, Mac darted under the blanket and a lump erupted where Derek’s ear had been.  After a moment, the sound cut off, and instead a bowl of food - one so strong-smelling that I could catch it from my seat - was brought out. Mac poked his nose out and started sneezing convulsively, hissing at the bowl as he moved towards it.

The coup de grace was what came next. Without warning, as soon as the bowl was taken away, someone darted towards Derek from the other side. I could actually feel my soul chuckle for this poor slob as I anticipated what would happen.

Sure enough, Mac became a blur of void and vaulted over Derek, clawing the interloper from elbow to wrist, then from thigh to knee. He hissed and spat, clawing at anything and anyone that came within reach.  Nothing could stop the ball of feline fury until Derek darted out an arm to scoop Mac back under the blanket while the poor volunteer - who looked like they had a bad date with a Cuisinart - was led to the aforementioned med bay.

“I’m not sure they knew they were signing up for this,” I murmured to Maverick and Coffey.

Coffey made a firmly negative gesture. “I assure you that they were aware. That particular volunteer? She has been Machiavelli’s training target for three months now.”

“Why?” I sputtered.

“Some people are afraid of dogs,” Coffey shrugged. Given his clear discomfort watching both Lyrics perform, it made more sense suddenly.  I knew he wasn’t afraid of dogs - he kept treats in his pocket for Lyric and Lyric II, at all times - but we weren’t far enough removed from Earth to make everyone comfortable with the kinds of dogs that worked best as service animals.

A cat, though? I knew from a lifetime of experience that nothing was as persistent or vicious as a cat, when properly motivated.

The audience was respectfully silent until Mac and Derek left the gym, before cheering wildly.  Even from where I was sitting, I could hear people talking about the potential of having a cat once the colony was established.  As a firmly devoted cat owner, I couldn’t even make up an excuse to argue.

Arthur leaned over so I could hear him clearly. “You never told me you have an attack cat.”

“I’ve always had them,” I admitted. “I just didn’t know it wasn’t a normal thing.”

“Mac is a good kitty.”

“The best kitty,” Coffey corrected with a grin. At some point, he had adopted Derek as a younger brother/nephew figure, and by extension doted on Mac to the point of chemical warfare.

“The only kitty,” I pointed out. I would have loved for the Ark to have ship cats, but we had learned - the hard way - that genetic enhancements were necessary for them to thrive in the gravity we were operating under.  It was part of the reason Mac was so large - four years ago, he had actually undergone a heart transplant so his vasculatory system would function in the increased gravity. Where Lyric II and Sparkles had benefited from what Miys learned from the original Lyric, Mac was the original.

The next event was thrown projectiles, so I took the opportunity to go grab some popcorn and sausage-rolls for the last two events. No one in my family was participating in the javelin/spear exhibition, but I knew that Xiomara and Evan would be eyeing these candidates closely for colonial security, so I made a point to pay attention. However, despite my original reason for keeping an eye on the event, I found myself fascinated. Each spear had a different range for accuracy, a different technique for throwing… I found myself filing the information away for later, anticipating a very rousing conversation with our Councillor of Security and her protege. Ivan Thorsson, to nobody’s surprise, excelled.

However, the last event of the exhibition was finally at hand - archery.  Charly had made several attempts to have this event be its own exhibition - the projectiles were not thrown, nor were they combustion - but a sheer lack of participants inevitably led to the sport being included with the ‘non combustion’ weapons exhibition, in the same way the animal companion events were.  On the plus side, participation this Von-year made a strong case for archery being its own event.

Participants were allowed ten arrows, ten targets, and fifteen minutes to fire all arrows. Bows could be any size, but had to be pulled by hand - no crossbows, no hooks to draw. Targets were only 25cm in diameter, and any shots that missed the desired target were counted off, with a double ‘friendly fire’ deduction if the arrow hit an entirely different target.

Even with all the restrictions, there were no less than twelve participants in this event, more than any other.

Maverick was first. While he was exceptionally precise, his Shinto-style did not lend itself well to speed. Next came Tyche, who landed killing hits on every shot, though with far less aplomb than her knife-throwing had shown. Arthur had a similar result - fast and deadly, but less accurate than Maverick - before MIchael Smith took the stage again, to my surprise.

My jaw hit the floor as he pulled just as fast as Tyche and Arthur, with the same accuracy of Maverick. Very few people took part in multiple exhibitions, and to see him do so well in three was a shock.  Nonetheless, he swapped out with the next participant with zero acknowledgement of his performance.

After that, the event continued: several people I did not recognize, before all that was left were Conor and Charly.  Similar to his style of throwing knives, Conor drew ambidextrously and over the shoulder. The connection was crystal clear as you watched his motion - a smooth draw, looped into a pull and release.  The only difference was that, where he would throw a knife, he would draw the arrow.

Next, I expected Charly, but what I saw made my head spin: Simon Rodriguez stepped out of a back room, with a longbow and a quiver full of arrows.  Even more incredibly, he did not stand in front of any specific target, but stood in the center of all ten.  With one deep breath, he started drawing from his waist, firing and drawing, arrow after arrow, in a smooth, mechanical motion.

Every arrow struck the center of the target.

The blood drained from my face as I realised why Tyche had threatened Conor with allowing Simon to use him for target practice…. I had no idea, at the time, that Simon was such an incredible shot. Immediately, I felt guilty.

Before I could apologize to him, Charly and her bow walked out. Speaking now felt like an obscenity, since this was the reason so many people were still here. Sure enough, as soon as the targets were replaced, she displayed a foreign calm as she fired shot after shot.

Ten shots. Ten exact centers. Ten arrowheads protruding from the back of targets by a minimum of two inches.

Twelve seconds total.

The transition between Simon and Charly took place so quickly that I had no idea who the applause was for - the Twelve Second Sorceress, or her clear protege. Either way, the end of the exhibition was explosive, to say the least.

I turned to Conor, ready to apologise for not taking the previous threat as serious at it was, when he said something that made me slap my face and groan.

“Bless it, do you think Simon will show me how to do that?”

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[woolywoofs]

I thought id update my tumblr.

The past few months have been so difficult. Excruciating.

I have been practically unable to function and have been mostly bedridden since september. The only times I go out is to see doctors and medical professionals.

My rheumo honestly was neglecting me (my doctor was SHOCKED to hear how she was treating me/not treating me) so my GP took over my care, and changed my medication in hopes of helping me.

It will be 2-4 months before we know whether they are working or not. I still dont have a diagnosis and probably wont at any point, but we do know its progressive. I'm also finally on a proper dose of pain medication.

I'm seeing a neurologist in December so we can rule out MS and other things since my neuro exam is not normal.

I am in constant pain. I had to re-learn so many things. How to dress myself, how to shower, how to take care of myself on a day to day basis. It's insane.

A few days ago I found out I've lost most of my vision, no idea why.

I dont use my right eye anymore. Its useless. And I have lost most of my vision in my good eye.

I have been ill for a while and ive dealt with it as well as i can, but the last 3 months have sucked every bit of joy and strength out of me. Life is unfair.

It is incredibly hard to go on every day. I have a lot of distractions thankfully, playing games and watching shows.

But I am so tired of not being able to go for real walks, see my friends etc. I'm so lonely but I cant have anyone over because im so zoned out most of the time.

I know im losing relationships with friends and family because im neglecting them. i cant help it and it hurts so fucking much.

im honestly so fucking angry that this is my life. like seriously? did we really need to add another things on top of everything else? apparently.

i lost myself. i will never have who i used to be back. it breaks me. i literally dont know if ill ever have a functional life again.

i struggle staying alive because the unknown is just too much to handle. I cant know if this will improve with the new meds, or just continue going down hill.

Skvetta has been such a champion. I would not be here without her. On our walks i can only walk at a very slow pace, Skvetta checks in constantly and usually only zooms around if I tell her its okay to.

When we get home I have to lie down and Skvetta does not hesitate to come lie ontop of me to keep me warm and safe.

i can not express in words how tired and broken i am. i am not processing this whatsoever. sometimes im numb and manage to zone it out and the next moment im having a mental breakdown over the smallest things.

like earlier i couldnt get my shoes on. its such a basic thing. and i couldnt do it. im lost, alone and scared. i dont know if ill ever get myself back.

please dont take your health for granted. do the things you love while you still can.

[officially-multi-fandom]

||always mine|| newt

fem! reader

fandom : TMR

warnings : slight violence (seriously its just a punch)

taglist for the maze runner is open :)

masterlist | wattpad | 

~~~

“Y/N, can I talk to you for a minute, alone?” Newt asks, and you happily oblige, putting down your clipboard which was keeping track of all the medicines that are there, and that are needed in the med-hut.

“Sure,” You say, with a smile on your face, as you happily follow him to the Homestead.

You enter Newt’s messy room, with his clothes in one big pile, and a few papers with scribbles of writing all over them. His bed was unmade, which made you sigh.

“How many times do I have to remind you to clean your room?” You ask, starting to fold the huge pile of clothes in the corner, when you're stopped by a pair of strong arms grab you from behind. You smile. “Long day?” You ask, as you hear a deep sigh coming from Newt.

“Yes, love.”

You smiled, knowing what to do. “Sit.” You simply commanded, pointing to the bed. Newt did the same, not wanting to waste any time.

You sat behind him, with his head on your lap. You smiled and hummed a tune you couldn’t remember, but loved (it's ‘you are my sunshine’, btw), as you start massaging his head, occasionally sprinkling a few kisses on his cheek and forehead. He hummed in content, as you giggled.

“So, how was your day?” You asked, still massaging his head, with your fingertips touching his fluffy sandy blond hair.

“Hectic. The Greenie is yet to come, then it'll be even more bloody hectic, with me answering his questions and all. Shuck-faced creators and Alby can't give me a break.” He sighed. You suddenly had an idea.

“Hey, how about I show the Greenie around?” You asked, with hope laced in your voice.

“No, love. I know how they are, they might try to flirt with my girl and I don’t want that to happen. I love you, Y/N.”

“Then why don’t we tell everyone? Why are we keeping our relationship a secret? If they know that you are mine and I am yours, they won't bother us, Newt.” You said.

Your relationship had been a secret for two months now, and you felt like you were ready to tell it to the rest of the Gladers. Plus, it will also put an end to all the catcalls you get, after they get to know that you are taken by the most intimidating person in the glade, their Second- in- Command.

“I know love, but what if something happens to us? Our relationship? Our friends wont know who to hang out with, and we'll always be in conflict because of that.” He answered.

“So you’re saying that we may not work?” You felt a pang of sadness. You didn’t want to show it, but you doubted that thought the second Newt got up from your lap, concern all over his beautiful features.

“No, love I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I am sorry. I love you Y/N, and I-” He was cut off by a loud banging on his door.

“Y/N, come on we got a Slicer problem!” It was Clint. You sighed, as you pecked newt gently on his lips. He sighed too, and mumbled something about ‘cant get a break with the love of my life, bloody shanks.’ You smiled as you headed out the door.

______________Time skip______________

Newt’s P.O.V.:

After showing the Greenie around, and lighting the bonfire, I went over to where Minho was, with Gally’s drink in my hand. It had been a long day, and I hadn’t seen Y/N since the time she massaged my scalp. Since then, I have thought a lot about what she said, and I wasn’t afraid any more. I knew that she was the only thing giving me hope to survive this bloody hell of a place. I was going to kill myself again, until she came. I love her so much, and every time she is with one of the Gladers, laughing off, I get so jealous, that I want to punch the guy square in the face and tell him that she is mine. No matter how much I tell her that I love her, it doesn’t even make up a quarter of what I feel towards her. I love her so bloody much it’s frustrating. I brush my hand through my hair as I think. I decide to take a detour from whatever klunk Minho was talking about, and made my way to find Y/N. I smiled, knowing that I would be reunited with my love.

When I finally found her though, it was her and the Greenie, with his back towards me. Y/N was laughing to something he said, though I could tell she didn’t enjoy being with him. Her eyes didn’t sparkle the same way they did when I made her laugh, and I could see right through her that she was very bored. I smiled, knowing that even though this Greenie was giving her a hard time, she still made him feel better by laughing. I stood there, still smiling as I saw Y/N’s features lit by the flames of the bonfire, which made her look truly heavenly than she already was.

Your P.O.V.:

You mentally sighed. You wished Newt was here, you craved for his presence, and thought how he could handle Greenies like these. The thought itself made you shudder. You didn’t want to tell it to the Greenie though, you knew it would hurt his feelings. You smiled again, not knowing what the Greenie was talking about. You felt as though someone was looking at you, so you looked around without it being too obvious. As you were checking, you saw Newt, standing right in front of you, smiling. You smiled too, not paying attention to the Greenie who was now leaning in, apparently for a kiss.

You looked back at the Greenie, and panic filled your lungs. You sat there, not moving and wide-eyed. You didn’t know what to do. You looked around again, hopefully wanting Newt to see you and save you, but he was nowhere to be seen.

As you sat there, you saw a hand coming from behind you, punching the Greenie, giving him a nasty bruise. You watched as the same hand pulled your wrist so tightly that it hurt. The figure was now moving up to the front of the bonfire, where all the Keepers were. You knew whose hand it was, but you looked up just in case. As suspected, it was Newt. You were surprised by the force he used on you, your hands now turning slightly blue. You struggled out of is grip, but to no use.

When he finally let go of your hand, there was a circle of spectators, waiting for drama to happen. That’s when you looked up and finally saw Newt’s expression. It was full of rage, but you knew it wasn’t towards you.

What he did next surprised you the most. He grabbed your collar and pulled you in for a kiss. Since you were still in a shock, you didn’t know what was happening for a split second, but you eventually melted into the kiss.

It was rough, as if this was what he wanted to do for a long time, which you guessed he was. He took out all the frustration that had built up inside of him, and when you both finally pulled apart for air, you heard cheers and hollers all around you.

You smiled. “So, you finally found the courage, huh?”

He chuckled a bit. “I just wanted everyone to know that you are always mine. I love you, Y/N, and I never want any other shank to come here and think they can win you over.”

“I love you too, Newt. And I promise that I will never leave you for someone else. You will always be my first and last love.” You said, as he leaned in for another kiss.

‘always mine’, he had said. If only he knew that you were never anybody else’s. Only his. Only.

~~~

(this is one of our old works but we hope you like it)

~ izzy and amy <3 

[prorevenge]

My boss was abusive and didn't care about staff so I cost him his store and his contracts

This story will include no real names and a location will not be given. I am obligated to inform you I wrote this on mobile and have no idea how long this will be.

Backstory: I was an idiot growing up and ended up in a rehabilitation program for people under 18 to avoid jail time and eventually got given a place at a large charity agency that sources workers for anything from retail to gardening. The person directly in control of my position at said charity was one of those "I'm too nice for anyone to notice me doing wrong" people and he put me, someone who literally couldn't (and still can't years later) talk to a stranger without panicking, into a job in retail speaking to upwards of 35+ customers a day. May not sound like a lot but I struggled to make it through a day without going into the back room and crying.

Story: So, I get assigned to work in a (unsure of the right word here but, privately owned?) retail place that sells "upcycled" furniture. I had previously worked at the site actually doing the upcycling and knew this stuff was a scam, barely had a thing changed and the people doing the work spent most of the day drinking coffee and smoking while playing games on their phone.

The boss of this site (Kevin) showed just what kind of person he was from day 1 by threatening to fire me for telling him I can't handle strangers and shouting in my face. God I wish he had fired me. This never got better and over the months of working there and I eventually started started recording it all without his knowledge. Among the things he did is this list:

Shouting at staff for not putting toilet paper on the holder (there was a pile of it on the back of the toilet)

Calling the person in charge of my placement and reporting me for "lack of workplace enthusiasm" in front of me while I was having a panic attack

Telling a 70+ year old woman who I worked with that she needs to "grow up and handle confrontation like a man" after having 2 large men shout and swear at her for refusing to sell an already sold item to them

Throwing his phone (told by another employee) after I called in sick for a day due to crippling stomach pains brought on by Crohns

After being told at 11am that I won't make it to my shift (due to being in hospital), proceeded to call me at 3am the next morning and yell at me (he seemed VERY drunk) demanding I have a doctor prove I was in the hospital because I didnt give 2 weeks notice

And back to the story. All of this was recorded in the space of only 3 weeks and I gave it all to my placement manager who proceeded to organise a meeting between himself, Kevin and me to try and put things right. During this meeting however, instead of calmly talking about the issue and what can be done to solve it, all the evidence was shown to Kevin who then yelled at me for recording him then throwing a full on tantrum that I would dare question his style of management while I sat there scared as hell and my placement manager just did nothing.

Back we go to work with a final warning strike issued to me for gross misconduct and told that I should do as stated in my contract and anything else that is asked of me or I would be fired. I do everything I can to follow my contract and anything else asked of me including cleaning a f**king toilet and see a broken window above it. Thats when I finally get a plan together.

The revenge: The plan I came up with meant I had to stay in everyones good books, deal with a-hole customers, go to work even in crippling pain and dose up on meds to control my panicking but in exchange my belief was I could get Kevin replaced or atleast get myself removed from the situation.

I should have clarified earlier, being fired from any site ALSO gets you taken off the charities payroll.

I started informing Kevin of every little safety violation the site managed to break from broken windows in the female toilets, loose light fixtures and broken locks on doors all the way up to a giant glass panel going across the front of the shop that was barely hanging in by a few bits of rubber and could easily kill a small child or less than strong adult if it were to fall out. I emailed him and texted him about each one individually and brought it up to other staff in hopes they would do the same, while also making sure to take photos of each of these issues so I could use them again later.

Another month and a half of working there and at this point I felt I may have a little too many minor details saved up but decided its best to go overkill than underkill and sent a huge email to the UK HSE (health and safety executive) detailing every risk and danger with photos attached to show what the place was doing wrong and requesting an inspection. Of course they obligued.

1 week later I get a phone call from Kevin. He tells me how the shop is closing down, how a safety inspection was carried out and how it had been failed so badly that he lost his contract with the charity and that nobody would be able to use the building for weeks while everything gets brought back up to code, but he couldn't run the place anymore due to money issues while it was closed because he had no savings for this. I never heard from him again.

A year later: After this happened I moved on and began working from home doing image editing for quick cash and around a year later I get a call from the placement manager who hadnt heard from me the whole time and I got asked in the coldest, most passive aggressive tone "why didnt you tell me the store closed?" turns out they had been apparently paying me £300 a DAY for a job I didnt have, hours I didnt work and this was all apparently being reported on the charities income as someone elses account. They got me confused with another person and reporting their hard work on my files and it took them a year to notice because of how badly they handled everything.

Another obligatory note: Rslash, if you are reading this; On behalf of every single subscriber, MORE PUPPY BLOOPERS PLEASE!

*: clearing the confusion- they had my name on another persons paperwork and though they paid the right person, they were using my name

(source) story by (/u/The-UK-Is-Mine)