#Every now and then I’ll post something new where I push myself but I need to do it more frequently!!

[ragnar0c]

4 more pages to edit… I think…

[rootedinrevisions]

Masterlist

Welcome to my Masterlist! (Updated Oct. 24. 2024.)

Here you'll find all my fanfiction in one place, where I explore characters, relationships, and the worlds they live in. Whether it's diving deep into emotional conflicts or adding new layers to the stories we love, my writing is all about giving you fresh perspectives and heartfelt moments. Whether you're here for angst, fluff, or something a bit more steamy, there's a story waiting for you.

I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I’ve loved creating them! Feel free to browse through the links below, and don’t hesitate to reach out if you’d like to chat about the stories or characters.

✨ Happy reading! ✨

REQUESTS ARE TEMPORARILY CLOSED

I am starting a new job starting on December 2nd (yay!) and have a full list of 23 requests to work through, I’ll be temporarily closing requests starting today (November 20).

This will give me the chance to: ✨ Focus on fulfilling the requests I’ve already received. ✨ Dedicate time to my WIPs that are long overdue. ✨ Adjust to my new role and navigate the busy holiday season.

I’m planning to reopen requests in about a month—likely after the holidays, once I’ve had time to settle into my new schedule. Of course, I’ll keep everyone updated here when I’m ready to take on more ideas!

** This blog is intended for readers 18+. Minors DO NOT INTERACT. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given on any writing that needs it**

KINKTOBER 2024

Kinktober 2024 Masterlist

This was my wild dive into the spicy world of Kinktober! Throughout October, I challenged myself to post a new piece every day, each one exploring different kinks and themes with a mix of heat and heart. Whether you're here for the steam, the characters, or just a fun escape, I hope you find something to enjoy. Each story pushes boundaries in its own way, so please read the tags and warnings before diving in. Enjoy the journey, and thanks for checking out my Kinktober 2024 collection! 🔥

GLEN POWELL

Glen Powell (and His Characters) Masterlist

Whether it’s Glen Powell himself or the unforgettable roles he brings to life, this section is dedicated to all things Glen.

From standalone one-shots to multi-part series, you’ll find stories exploring the charm of Glen as an actor and the personalities of his iconic characters, like Jake Seresin from Top Gun: Maverick and Tyler Owens from Twisters.

Whether you're in the mood for quick reads or something a little more in-depth, there's plenty here to dive into. Enjoy the journey, and feel free to leave your thoughts! 🤠

TWISTERS

Twisters Masterlist

Welcome to my collection of stories inspired by Twisters! Right now, the focus is on Tyler Owens, one of the main characters who’s brought to life in ways that explore his depth, relationships, and adventures beyond the screen.

As this section grows, you might see stories featuring other characters like Scott Miller and Javi Rivera—so stay tuned! Whether you're here for Tyler or curious about future tales, I hope you enjoy these stormy stories. 🌪️

TOP GUN: MAVERICK

Top Gun: Maverick Masterlist

This list is all about the thrill and tension of Top Gun: Maverick. Most of my writing here dives into the cocky charm of Jake "Hangman" Seresin, but you’ll also find some pieces centered around Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw, with more stories potentially featuring characters like Robert "Bob" Floyd in the future.

Whether you're into Hangman’s swagger, Rooster’s heart, or curious about the rest of the Top Gun crew, there’s something for every fan of the high-flying action and drama. Strap in and enjoy the ride! ✈️

WRESTLING

WWE & Professional Wrestling

Step into the ring with my collection of professional wrestling stories! Most of my writing here is centered around the superstars of WWE, but you'll also find a few pieces featuring wrestlers from other promotions.

Whether you're a fan of the drama, athleticism, or the larger-than-life personalities in the squared circle, there’s something here for you. From intense rivalries to behind-the-scenes moments, I hope you enjoy these tales of wrestling’s finest. 💥

[dreamwritersworld]

On the run…

just a disclaimer that this has been the longest since I’ve posted and this isn’t a for sure series! I’ve been super busy lately and I took a break because writing felt more like a need then something I wanted to do, i’m kinda back now and I hope you enjoy it 💕

Neteyam and I grew up together, we were very close. I grew to love him and I believe he felt that way too…until we were told that we would be promised to each other…Neteyam didn’t liked the fact that he felt tied down without having a choice. He was perfect at everything but being a good promised mate to Y/n.

Y/n however was very good. She comforted Neteyam when he was stressed about his father and she’d give him calming oils and treatment to relax him..

There were nights where Neteyam was absent, one night Y/n decided to hug Neteyam even with him pushing her off…

“I can smell her. Her scent. Irya.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Stop it! I caught you. And you’re not going to talk your way out of this. How many Neteyam? How many are there? How many have there been?”

“What does it matter? Hmm? We still are promised to each other and have no choice but to be mated. But irya is willing to take in that void until then. And maybe…maybe that’s better for everybody.”

Y/n scoffed at his attitude towards the situation…the man she loved, the boy she grew up with, had become so heartless to her.

“You know what, it’s better for you! You have a pretty good deal don’t you? You go out! You fool around! I sit here, I take care of your home and the clan. Well no more! That’s it.”

“Calm down!”

“No! I’m not going to do this anymore! Ok? I’m not going to sit here and take it and take it! Sorry! I love you, yes! But I am not dirt! I am promised to you! And you will not do this to me anymore-“

“Enough! I’ll stop! It’s fine. But you will not raise your voice at me. We will not do anything until we are to be mated.”

Y/n watched as Neteyam turned his back to go lay on the hammock with a blanket that Y/n made and cleaned just for him. If this was how things were going to be…it pained her completely but he came home didn’t he? He came home to her..?

She slept that night right beside him…cold and crying. He didn’t ever hold her while she slept..not like how they did when they were younger.

Truth was Neteyam didn’t sleep with Irya, no he could never. He just laid with her…he knew her scent was enough to break Y/n’s heart further…

~~

I stayed strong…I dealt with the pain and still claimed him proudly and openly…waiting on the day he called out my name.

I said I didn’t feel nothing but I lied, I almost cut a piece of myself for his love.

The passing Navi’s would smile at me and ask how Neteyam was…I would responded proudly.

“Ah yes Neteyam! He is doing well! Very good!”

Oh how I wished I didn’t get this treatment…I wish I could’ve been able to choose. In all honesty I would’ve still chosen Neteyam but it’d be on my terms..can’t say the same for him.

My days had an endless routine, I felt so trapped. I wanted Neteyam to stay even though he didn’t want me. Why can’t he wait till I fall out of love?

After everything going on…the war…the panic. It was decided that we’d have to give up our home and roles of the clan…everything. That meant every last tear, blood shed and sweat that Neteyam and I sacrificed to be the next leaders were wasted. Just because I was leaving didn’t mean I wasn’t no longer promised to Neteyam, he had all of me.

The move was so difficult and I didn’t know how else to comfort someone who didn’t want to be loved by me…but when he let me hold him, it gave me hope.

“We’ll be ok Ma’tyem”

The journey was long and tiring…it dragged and made our bodies sore…weak. Riding beside Neteyam made it worth it, all I could do was focus on him and how beautiful he truly was. Taking in his presence was my best bet at loving him from afar. Something about finding a new home and having a new adventure felt good despite leaving my entire life behind..

When we had arrived, nervousness ran through my veins…I allowed myself to be the last of the group to get off, watched how Neteyam protected his siblings and remained respectful just like his father.

I walked in cautiously repeating Neteyam’s same action and passing small smiles to those I had made eye contact with and then suddenly I made eye contact with someone who caught my attention …it was a boy who seemed about our age, instead of giving disgusted looks like he was before he froze. Soon enough the soften look in his eyes brought me into confusion, and I turned away. A warm unfamiliar arm wrapped around my waist, tuggin me forward and I couldn’t help but be more focused as to what was wrong.

Neteyam never held me, not anymore…not like when we were children. He pushed me to listen to the leader of the clan..that’s when I discovered the beautiful girl who Lo’ak shared a moment with was Tsireya and the boy I briefly noticed was Ao’nung..both children of the clans leaders. My ears went up and tail swayed at the new introduction, new people? New setting? Absolutely brought me bliss.

Unpacking was draining and having to now share a mauri with a full family was something I’d have to get used to, I didn’t mind though. I grew up with the Sully’s and remained very tight with all siblings…Neteyam included until our parents suggested we’d be mated. Of course I loved that idea…but Neteyam felt forced, it made him hate me.

It was another night of falling asleep beside Neteyam except this time he turned his body towards me and loosely had his arm around me. It was then that I realized I missed his touch so much and I’d settle with this even if it only meant he was doing it to prevent his family from questioning the separation.

I had butterflies take over me, placing my hand on top of his…only for him to pull his hand away and lay it on my hip, furthering any more affection..

Soon the sun rises and I woke up early to help prep meals for everyone with Neytiri, to her I was perfect. In my eyes I was far from it, not even able to satisfy her child.

I made my way sitting quietly next to Neteyam, my mind was still focused of last night’s interactions and our relationship…soon enough the loudness and spinning in my head only begged me to just take a moment for myself, I paused my eating and excused myself…but walking away I can hear my childhood best friends speak.

“What’s wrong with her?..she’s been quiet.”

“She’s always quiet Lo’ak-“

Kiri was one of the only people who noticed the great shift in Y/n. They grew up together, Y/n was open to Kiri about her crush on Neteyam and she never told any one although she enjoyed the idea of them together, it made her so happy when they were promised…but now after a couple of months with them together, Kiri could see something was weighing Y/n down.

“Not always! She only starts to get quiet when Neteyam’s around! You make her nervous bro! Y/n’s been in love with you since we were kids and now you guys are going to be all lovey, dovey once your Mated!!!”

Neteyam couldn’t even reply, it wasn’t that he didn’t love you…or maybe he didn’t? He himself, couldn’t understand his feelings towards you. Neteyam just wanted time to choose his mate and who he loved.

He was truly living his fathers dream, sacrificing his life to repay and honor his parents sacrifice. Would he had chosen Y/n, his once childhood crush as his mate? Would he have done it if he wasn’t forced? He didn’t know.

Y/n took in Lo’ak’s word..she did only get quiet around Neteyam, she knew how quickly and easily it was to annoy him.

*flashback*

It was the beginning of their relationship and he couldn’t be anymore closed off with her. All Y/n wanted to do was love him and be a perfect mate to him. So when he walked through the door…that’s exactly what she did.

“Neteyam, I’ve made you dinner! Your favorite!”

“Not hungry.”

His response was short but however, what made the two perfect was that no matter how calm and collected she was…she remain optimistic.

“Ok! That’s fine! I’ll prep it for you in the morning, when you’re ready to go back to training-“

“Y/n! How many times do I have to say it? I’m not hungry! I do not want your food! Just be quiet!…voice is annoying…relationship is business only..”

Y/n perfectly heard his last muttered words and it brought her to tears as she wrapped his food up, she had stayed up late waiting to eat with him once he arrived home…but now he laid in bed. Y/n blew the candles providing light and closed the tent enough just for a little moonlight to shed as she provided him a calm setting to fall asleep in while she struggle to eat in the dark.

Neteyam could see though, he saw her tears roll down her face and her hand quiver as her eyebrows furrowed and head shake as if telling her that it’ll all be ok. It took everything in him to not apologize for being so cold, but he couldn’t..not now when he was so frustrated.

*

Y/n lost her optimistic side…instead of being calm, she slowly was just pulling herself into a fiery state. After so much coldness could you blame her? She didn’t have any time for playing around or a moment for herself..but now with this new home, she did.

There it was Y/n sat outside taking in the sunrise and fresh breeze, she was just starting to relax when Kiri interrupted

“So…I’ve been meaning to ask but nothing feels like the right time but…are you ok? Like I mean really ok? I can feel your energy Y/n.”

It took Y/n by surprise and it only took Kiri to see her face for her to know whatever she was going to say next was a lie. That’s exactly how it all played out, Y/n had her mouth slightly open in shock and then she smiled, not a true one thought just a small one with closed lips.

“Of course Kiri!…it’s just the move.”

Silence stood between them, Kiri could see the little white lies Y/n told herself and it hurt her. Y/n was never one to be standoffish or guarded.

“Right..well soon enough we’ll start training to get used to this environment-“

“Hello! We’re here to start training”

Both girls looked at Tsireya in surprise and soon settled into a smile, excited to finally have a taste of something new. Y/n stood proud and tall before tsireya, she admired it truly. To tsireya if she would’ve stayed at the forest she would’ve been a perfect leader for the people…what could’ve been.

“I’ll go ahead and get the others! Excuse me.”

Ao’nung watched from a far…Y/n was captivating to him. Her voice and the way she walked presented herself with confidence.

His smile stayed until he saw her stand beside Neteyam, they walked together as one but in silence.

They all trailed after each other one by one. Ao’nung tried to slow down so that his speed would align with Y/n’s but it just didn’t happen.

Tsireya decided to start by swimming first and excitement erupted amongst Kiri and Y/n as they grabbed each others hands swimming down around the corals of the reef.

Ao’nung pushed the rest of the group forward and he allowed his sister to take over as he glanced over to Y/n doing flips around the ocean and viewing the fishes in amazement. Y/n put herself in tune with the ocean..if she was going to live here she had to act as one of the people.

Neteyam couldn’t help but notice Y/n staggering behind the group and he rolled his eyes at her childish behavior… when he went up to the surface with everyone else gasping for air, he looked back beneath the water..he saw Ao’nung swim over to Y/n, watch them exchange smiles while swimming up beside each other.

“You’re pretty good for a beginner! I can show you how to-“

“Y/n!-“

neteyam was going to interrupt but he was quickly interrupted by his own little sister, gasping onto Y/n’s arms and his arms.

Y/n quickly passed a smile at Ao’nung as she now turned her attention to Tuk cradling her while Neteyam fixed Y/n’s hair from getting caught onto Tuk.

The sudden touch caught Y/n by surprise, she was quick to turn her head in confusion until Tysireya’s voice brought them back to focus

“It’s fine if your not the best right now…we should try getting you guys on ilu’s! I’m sure you’ll love it!”

Another tug to another direction, telling Y/n to swim with him. There was not a chance Neteyam was going to leave Y/n with Ao’nung when it was clear to him, he was trying to get close to her.

this interaction between the two didn’t fly past Y/n she didn’t understand what Neteyam was trying to do. Once practice ended she allowed the group to go past and speak amongst each other while she began tugging back at Neteyam’s arm to walk with her. They said their goodbyes respectfully and Y/n held onto Neteyam the entire time.

“What are you doing? You have a role to withhold still Neteyam. Be respectful. You must remember that this isn’t our home.”

“Me? What am I doing wrong? You must’ve forgot that you have to withhold your role with me. You are my future mate do not forget.”

“I haven’t done anything that can make you imply that I have, are you kidding?”

“So why are you getting friendly with-“

“This is not our land. Our relationship has been in shambles because of you-“

“How dare you blame me? What? Because i went out to get my needs done so I can keep pushing to Be with you. I did it for us.

Tears welled up in Y/n’s eyes as she realized he was now the one blaming her for their relationship.

“I’d rather go blind then to see you walk away from me, with another women. I never asked you to do that.”

“But it needed to be done Y/n, you can’t maintain me.”

“This isn’t my fault Neteyam please stop. I’m not doing anything wrong. I haven’t gotten overly friendly with anyone. Just stop.”

“Don’t talk to Ao’nung Y/n, I’m not asking you.”

“I don’t need you telling me it either. I have to remain mutual and respectful to everyone, even if it means speaking to them.”

“You will be disrespecting me-“

“Please, this is barley scratching the surface of what you’ve done to me. This relationship is business only. Isn’t that what you said? So then stick to your words. It stopped meaning anything to me the moment you started acting this way.”

She was lying, but she wanted to shoot a bullet at him just like he did to her. When she looked back at Neteyam she didn’t notice the pain flushing his eyes or that fact that his heart was beating rapidly, he truly hurt hearing her stand up to him. It hurt him to see that he can’t seem to keep her close and let her go. He knew though, he still had her…even if it meant she was speaking back.

Later on in the night when it was time to eat, Y/n made sure to start a conversation with Tuk to make sure she was settling in well. Tuk pulled her arm to sit with her and Y/n did. Kiri quickly sat next to Y/n sensing something was wrong with her. This left Neteyam to sit in front of her, though Y/n didn’t even bat an eye at him.

“Did you see all the fishes down there Y/n?!”

“Oh I did Tuk! They were beautiful!!”

Jake had interrupted their conversation discussing the clan and asking how the children were treating them.

“Ao’nung sucks and Tsireya is really nice.”

Lo’ak was clearly biased to Tsireya based on the way he was smiling so his opinion flew out the window in Jake’s eyes.

Everyone began speaking quickly and clashed their words together as Y/n watched trying to follow everyone’s words.

“Mmh I barley heard a thing anyone said…what about you Y/n how were they?”

Jake knew Y/n had a thing with words, she was descriptive and knew how to speak properly. She observed everything there was to a person.

“Tsireya was sweet, attentive while teaching and patient. Ao’nung was witty, quick to say something and less patient. Overall they are good people-“

“Please Y/n Ao’nung was the worst, maybe not to you!”

Lo’ak had spoken in a teasing voice, implying something he shouldn’t. Jake had shut down his youngest teasing seeing it as a learning lesson

“It’s about being respectful. The face that you had while learning their ways probably didn’t help Ao’nungs remarks. Your face tells everything, Y/n knew how to behave.”

Neteyam grew silent only looking at Y/n and his food, quietly pushing for her to say more.

“Yes correct, this isn’t our home yet..but we must learn their ways with a positive attitude.”

The tension felt visible to the couple sitting across from each other and it continued when Y/n looked up at Neteyam after saying the statement.

She got up attempting to remain calm, picking up her meal and placing it to the side. After cleaning up and paying her respects she resided off to the side not facing Neteyam if he were to sleep on her hammock…

There it is that dip of him crawling back to my bed, enraging me over and over again without a care in the world that he hurt me.

*💕*

remember that this isn’t a for sure series, it’s definitely not perfect either I’m just trying to get into the groove of things again :))

[bluedalahorse]

I think I’ll say this once, since I need to say it before I can move on to more excited posting about promos and things:

Obviously Young Royals means a lot to me. It’s become another way for me to connect with my hyphenated-American heritage and to start teaching myself Swedish again. It helped me survive a pretty brutal year of bullying at work. It made me confident enough to start the process of getting formally evaluated for autism and ADHD. I’ve been writing a 200k+ historical AU fanfic for YR—the kind of fic I always read and adored back in fandoms when I was younger, the kind of fic I wanted to write myself. I’m proud of the way that Heart and Homeland has made me a better writer, and I’m glad for the way it’s deepened my friendship with @heliza24. It is Young Royals in part that inspired by thesis on restorative justice in YA literature. When I was in the hospital last fall because I almost had a literal stroke from stress, I was comforted and kept calm by the fact that I was wearing a YR t-shirt and had a plush doll of a YR character sitting in my lap. And all of that is the short list.

As we come close to the release date, I hope that every single member of the fandom gets something they enjoy in the new season. I don’t think every person is going to get everything they want, but I genuinely hope there’s a moment, a scene, a line that brings them joy. We’ve all stuck with this series for a while, and I want us all to have something we can take with us. A little bit of sparkle for the road, if you will.

There’s of course the possibility that some of us get a lot of what we want, and others of us are let down. I know this was the case for season 2, and it feels naive to imagine that everyone in the fandom will be equally satisfied by season 3. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ll enjoy the hell out of it, but I’m also trying to prepare my heart in case it’s not what I wanted. I’m trying to gently talk to myself right now and say that even if the third season leaves me upset and unsatisfied—even if the writing takes a nosedive or it’s good writing but it’s just not what I wanted—that I still learned a lot about crafting stories and being myself and surviving hardship and thinking about systems and whatever else, from this show. That my experience with the first two seasons still matters, that my work on my fic is something to be proud of. If season 3 is a disappointment, Heart and Homeland will be my new canon. I’m sure there are other people out there talking themselves up in this way too. I know we’re all pushing through the pre-season jitters.

The other thing I’m trying to reconcile right now is how I feel about the promotional material that’s come out, and the conversations around that. Like on my own, I actually feel pretty great? It’s fun to see the new stuff come in? But then I think about the ratio of Wilmon to other things and some of the responses I’m seeing to that. And I see people say like “oh the show is back to focusing on what’s actually good about it” and “it’s great that they’re doing this because the audience doesn’t really care about characters who aren’t Wilmon.” And… hello? Aren’t I the audience? Tumblr isn’t too bad (most of the time) but then there’s like, Instagram, where the Netflix Nordic posted whole set of photos of different pairs and friendships from a whole bunch of shows, and there was one (1) picture of Sara and Rousseau and I saw enough comments where people were like “ew! Vomit! Give us Wilmon instead!” that like… y’all. Frida Argento is a human being and a damn good actress, and Lisa is a good writer of female characters, and like. We can celebrate that, once in a while. We can create space for her too. It’s not Frida OR Omar and Edvin. It’s Frida AND Omar AND Edvin AND Nikita AND Malte AND Nathalie AND Mimmi AND Fabian AND Samuel AND… look I could keep on listing but I’m going to get distracted if I do.

Like, man. I love Wilmon. Don’t get me wrong. I love the complexity their relationship can run with. There are lines heliza has written for them in fic that make me swoon and I am giddy about the part where I get to read them first. I love the glowsticks. I love Wilmon’s sense of humor and the part where they cheated at Vincent’s rowing race thing and their utmost commitment to being dumbass teenage boys against the world. The first week I saw the show and came into work (where we have an athletic field) I went and took a selfie on the field after covering my hands in those gross fake dots. Look. I am all in.

And also… I came to the show for Wilmon but I stayed for so much more. I would have watched Young Royals once or twice and said “that was pleasant” without ever getting back into fanfic after a decade away, if the show was only Wilmon. I do like Wilmon, but it wasn’t Wilmon who inspired my thesis on restorative justice or made me a better writer overall. I survived that year of bullying at work because I could come home and write my ensemble fanfic, especially the parts where I focused on the non-Wilmon pairing I was in charge of writing. I finally felt confident enough to be evaluated for AuDHD because of a connection I felt to a character who wasn’t Simon or Wilhelm. It was a plush doll of a non-Wilmon character who sat in my lap and kept me calm while I was hooked up to those scary machines in the hospital this past October.

I guess my one humble request is that people be thoughtful about how they use phrases like “everyone thinks” or “no one wants.” Not every member of the fandom has the same opinion, and not every member wants the same things out of season 3, and there are some of us who are happy about the new Wilmon content but who are still feeling a little hungry for more of our most beloved characters, and hope they’ll get meaningful storylines (and not get ignored) in season 3. I do know we probably won’t all get what we want, and that some of us will probably get more of what we want than others. I hope that whatever happens, we’ll all get something we want, and we can all be gracious about it, and continue to find meaning in the canon.

For the people here on tumblr who are already including me in their everyone… thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope you know who you are and I hope you know how much I appreciate you. And I do hope this Little Fandom That Could can keep going into all sorts of new creative places.

[plasticfangtastic]

American Royalty. Ch. 8

A Homelander X F!Reader/ Dadlander fanfic.

A/N: Should be posting ch. 9 soon, thank you for reading and if you wish to be added to the taglist plz let me know in the comments, prev. chapters in my masterlist pin post and below... should be fixing my pin post soon to make it easier to find.

Tags: Mild gore, angst, slow burn, fluff, oc characther, child neglect, dadlander, romance.

Chapter Eight

Whisky

Being asked to leave by morning had been upsetting, but he was smart enough to know it was too soon... things had to be more formal before introducing this new stage of your lives to your children, admittedly he could tell something was off but as long as it didn’t ruin his plans he would pretend not to care, he loved the sex, and this feeling of fullfiment brewing inside him.

You were just as he had left you, every reaction just as he remembered, his only disappointment was not finding any milk in you, you taunting as he suckled with the facts he had missed out on just how full and amazing they had been when Helena was still feeding, even mentioning you had taken photos– for your boobs did look incredible. 

He parted after bruising your lips with his own, wanting to kiss you more, almost getting lost as he prodded for another round, you would have given in but as the neighbors woke up, you pushed him gently saying goodbye with a peck and the flutter of your eyelashes against his skin.

 But as he stared at your face before leaving, some improper desires clouded his vision, his own fantasies materializing as he headed home.

He left feeling starved, wanting to feast so desperately... wanting to see you again.

You sat on your kitchen bench, holding a bowl of oatmeal feeling sick, it had felt good, god it did– when was the last time you felt that good? And he could go on for hours with that mouth of his… but the weight of your actions had proven bitter on your tongue.

It was the natural course of things after all…

You didn’t need to love him, you just needed him to love you.

You just needed to win him over, no matter how dirty the tricks you had to use.

But as the little wannabe murderer walked into the kitchen, you fantasized of running away, far where nobody could find you… it made you sick, to feel this way... when you loved only her.

“So here’s the deal… I am going to push myself to be the best step-mother candidate he’s ever seen, I am going to get that asshole to be your dad and you are going to become part of the best fucking Superhero tag-team that ever graced this cursed fucking country! I want you better than the TNT twins, The Marvels and Legacy!” You hopped off the bench– Phantasma and Poltergeist will be household names!” You turned to her putting the bowl down– Helena you better get yourself so deeply rooted inside those labs that they will not know how to move a pen or take a shit without your input! So from now on we work together, no more improv.”

Helena was a tad surprised as she formed a stepping stool to take a serving of fresh oatmeal off the stove.

“I am glad we can see eye to eye, mother.” She took cinnamon and honey, building her breakfast as she watched you closely– I don’t think Elmo’s parents are going to like me after yesterday… had enough time to muse on that mistake last night.” she sounded apologetic.

“Leave it to me. Nigel and Sven will come around. Who wouldn’t want their kid to team up with The Homelander’s kid. Fuck I’ll even have your father make them work with us if that’s what it takes!” You spat.

Helena seemed pleased with herself as she heard you, proud that you would use the man if you had to, guess she had learned this from somebody afterall.

You didn’t take the day off, you had no time to waste in the end.

Ashley was busy, too many reports to read and correct, too many people to manage, and her research had finally bare some interesting results, she sunk in her chair giving herself a couple minutes to spare for this news preparing for the worse– Homelander had in fact impregnated at least 2 other women over the years. One had died tragically mid-pregnancy from a genuine freak accident, and the other had an abortion six weeks into her pregnancy, by sheer luck only you and Becca Saunders had won the lotto– that was one less headache on her plate, she care not for Saunders leaving that page behind with the legacy of Stan Edgar, content to just having Ryan around as proof that woman ever existed… You on the other hand, she felt sorry for, he had been honest with Ashley about your time together and reading the reports of his vendetta made her frustrated-- why he simply didn’t kill you back then… perhaps it would’ve been a mercy if he had killed you, wanting to see you suffer first.

So when she saw you walk into her office in the middle of the day, she took out the Advil.

“I thought I had to make an appointment for these things” You said.

“I've been waiting for you– take a seat please.”

Her expression seemed genuinely kind.

“What can I do for you?”

“Homelander… What is he writing? I have no choice but to agree, but I don’t really want to ask him just in case he skirts thru the important details… if he deceives me for no reason”

Ashley had the script draft on her cabinet but she wouldn’t hand it to you.

“Is simple… you and him had a torrid and turbulent on-and-off secret relationship, after Ryan was born he gained primary custody, then you guys got back together because you’re bad for each other and unable to leave one another for too long…you had Helena soon after you broke up– It will be spicy and romantic! lovers that just can’t get enough– a match made in hell!! Oh god it would be so dramatic, people are just gonna eat it up! anyhoo… you found yourself keeping Helena.” She swallowed looking down at her keyboard– There's a lot of little details we are working on for consistency. Already got a pre-production team looking at sets for photoshoots and we already have some cute babies in mind to play Helena and Ryan for some supplemental family videos and pictures.”

“I didn’t know him until after his kid was born… actually.” You did the math in your head there for a second for the first time, Ryan was tall– massive for his age. You assumed he was 12 or 13 at first glance, it stayed that way until you were told otherwise, Helena was on the other hand short, you still clung to a spurt growth down the line so your mind hadn’t noticed just how close they were in age– that motherfucker cheated on me!”

For all the grief he would give you, he hadn’t even hesitated to do the same.

Ashley sank in her chair.

“I assume you two would like to talk to him…” she bit her lips– we really need you, and your daughter… you won’t change your mind, right?” she cringed.

“Whatever…” You might as well have been cursing– I’ll do it but what is in it for me?” You tap your foot eager to run and leave.

“You will be financially compensated and have our very top in-charge of Phantasma… Homelander informed me of your plans. I’m thinking of giving her a team for when she debuts, got a couple talents that I'm sure could make a fantastic team alongside her when they become of age!” She spread her hands in arch to announce her grand vision– ‘Teenage Kix: The new order!’ We retired the name after the second iteration sold so poorly… but I can just imagine an all female team, and I guess one boy… of rebels with a cause! The next generation!” she says gleefully– We have been trying to increase our overseas Supe presence… so this new team would be a great launching pad for Vought!”

You looked at her with mild distress as she got all excited, clearly he had been talking without you around, for god knows how long.

“We got this nine-year old in Japan and this eleven year old Sudanese girl in France… their powers are so incredible, it would be a waste if we leave them as simple local celebs instead of bringing them to the global forum… to have them spearhead the most inclusive and international team Vought ever produced, heck we never even had an all-female team so Helena being captain would be historic!”

She dug through her cabinets to hand you photographs of those two little girls, you just saw girls much like your own, one with spider powers and one that could make vivid illusions according to the short report presented.

“I guess… and Ryan?”

Her excitement died immediately.

“Ryan would debut solo… but–” Ashley realized what you meant, pushing the CEO aside and forcibly bringing back Ashley to the front– We were hoping you and Homelander could take care of that whole family situation… we really don’t want this to go south… but Homelander well–

“He’s impatient and an asshole. I get it… I’ll talk to him.” You said while pushing the photos back at her– you have my full cooperation.”

Ashley said nothing when you left grinding your teeth as you pushed your chair back and headed out the door.

Marching towards 99th, he was in a meeting with The Seven at the sight of you, his serious expression softened demanding the room to be left alone for you, noting that crease on your nose with concern, you walked past them, his step was light as he basically frolicked towards you as you both gained privacy and just as he was at arm's length readying himself for a kiss– you smashed your fist on his face.

You squealed behind gritted teeth, clutching at your hand, beating in pain, your bones aching and your muscles on fire, huffing and cursing spit, blood dripping down onto the ground as you squeezed your injured hand, unsure if bones had broken, looking up your face boiling and shaky, as your hand swelled up.

“Ouch.” He said nonchalantly, tilting his head to try and catch a still glimpse of your hand– "you have no broken bones… but I’ll get you some ice.”

“Fuck you.” you hissed.

“What did I do now?” He took your hand by force, his voice winging as he spoke to you, pressing your fingers open to inspect the torn skin on your knuckles– do you feel better now?”

“You cheated on me!”

“What?” He blinked a couple times unsure as to what you meant– we aren’t… are we?”

“Becca.” You spat her name burning your tongue with the vowels– you fucked her when you were dating me! All the bullshit you did to me over “cheating”, everything you did to me you did while fucking some whore on the side!! You hypocritical piece of shit!! You fucked her and got her pregnant while you were with me!!” You shouted.

Homelander bit his lips, giving it a loud smack as he paced himself around you.

“We weren’t serious when that happened…” He said in a nervous tone.

“In what world do you live in where me calling you my ‘boyfriend’ and you calling me your girlfriend two months in– doesn’t mean you are my boyfriend you fucking bastard!!” Your throat cracked– you… you’re unbelievable… what happened last night… that was a mistake!” You cried in pain, squeezing your wounded hand.

“I was with Maeve when I started dating you, and that wasn’t a secret! Pardon me for thinking we weren’t serious but after Maeve and I broke up four months into ‘US’-- then that's when you and I were serious!!” He tugged at your wounded hand forcing you closer, you twisted and cried as he squeezed the wounds– Becca was a one night stand. Nothing just a couple hours of shit sex… Maeve and I weren’t doing anything… you… you were special… different.” he stuttered.

“What do you mean by that? You said Maeve was just a PR stunt to drive-up sales.” Your hand no longer bothered you, your mouth quivering lightly as a hole built itself inside your core.

“She had her stupid dyke girlfriend on the side… always moping about her as if I couldn’t hear her… It all stopped mattering after you– I know I was a whore. But once I met you. I decided I was going to become an ‘honest’ man for you.” He softened his grip on you, yet keeping you close, unable to leave you alone– I dreamt of us getting married in this lovely old church in Guatemala, of a life together, so I moved on from her– and Becca… just a blip. just a hole. Not you.”

“That’s a pretty way to say I was your mistress.” You could’ve cried, but he didn’t deserve to see you like that anymore, you couldn't dare letting him think he could comfort you, if you did.

“I never saw you in such manner… you were my Y/N… not my mistress… not once were you that to me… You were the one” he said genuinely upset, as you tried to taint those bittersweet memories even further– that’s the truth.”

You pushed him away floating to the nearest chair just to slump, as your legs began to give in, as the pain in your hand competed with the one in your chest.

“Before I run off up the stairs and throw myself down 99 floors– just tell me… is there any other life altering truths you wish to bestow upon me that you had so kindly sheltered me from besides informing me I was a secret homewrecker.”

“You aren’t going to kill yourself, right?” He was panicking inside.

“Piss off… now spit it out.” You looked away thinking solely of the door, and the tempting window.

“You know how I told you Becca was held captive– He blubbered nervously, his chin moving too much, his posture all twitchy– where they kept Ryan.”

“Yeah in a sound stage, what about it?” You replied frankly annoyed.

“Her husband thought I murdered her but she was alive this whole time and thought I did it– so he’s like my mortal enemy, and he even brought my dad to kill me– That terrorist attack was him and my dad. William Butcher and Soldier Boy plus Maeve came after me… but after my father tried to kill Ryan we had a truce… he’s been quiet but I still think he’s planning something… I also let that plane drop, couldn’t have saved them… could’ve saved some… but there’s a really bad video that could ruin me from that day… I also sheltered that headpopper from a while ago, and so many murders…”

“Soldier boy? Father?” You stared at him in confusion.

“My deadbeat dad.”

“WHAT!!!??” You jumped on your feet, the chair sliding rapidly behind you– wait isn’t that Butcher dude the guy who killed Stillwell!?”

“Yes… also Becca’s husband and I guess Ryan’s stepfather.” he said bitterly– "you don’t care about the other things?” He sounded anxious for a moment.

“Why would I!? We already discussed that years ago!” You responded apathetically to the situation, him killing had never been an issue– So you fucked some married floosy like the whore you are and drove a man insane… Helena and Ryan go to a very easily accessible school and you are telling me a serial killer-slash-terrorist you’ve been antagonizing for years is still out-there!! A guy who fucking brought a super-terrorist to US soil!!!”

“He would not dare to put a hand on them.” he scoffed at the idea, finding it beyond absurd.

“You mean he wouldn’t hurt Ryan.” you said, pushing the bile down your throat.

“Nothing nor anybody will hurt Helena… I promise.” His expression was confident– I can have a security detail keep an eye on her when she’s at school after we go public… thanks for agreeing with Ashley. I was thinking you, me and the kids can go have dinner tomorrow and break the news to them.”

You shot him dirty looks.

“Our kids could still be in danger. Why did you send them to school and not homeschooled them!!?” you argued, your voice turnign frayed– Are you insane!! They cannot be outside!”

“No!” He shouted– I will not deny my son of the childhood I never was allowed to have! I AM NOT going to be like Voguebaum!” He snapped shouting back at you.

You had to control your breathing, waiting for him to calm down as those red flares coloured your skin, he struggled with his labored breathing, brushing his temples as he relaxed, and you found somewhere else to shrink into.

“You literally let me come all the way here to break my hand.” You slouched on your new seat, chuckling lightly as you wiped some blood off on your pants.

“Is not broken.” he chuckled back– thought you just spit on me again.”

His mood straightened back to normal forcing a tad limp smile.

“I might after I get a drink… be a good boy and fetch mommy a scotch.” He did so obediently, you admired the city skylines as you waited for your drink, you took a quick sip before throwing it at his crotch– bitch ass.”

“Did that feel good?’ A little light reflected on your glass.

“A little bit” You giggled staring at the ‘piss’ stain on his crotch– don’t think we are fucking ever again” You growled– I’ll do my best Lorelai Gillmore impersonation and you’ll play the charming and faithful husband… I’ll help you raise your kid and you can help raise ours but we will never be together.”

“Only for the camera and around the kids… I guess we can go all 1950’s and have two nice little beds in our bedroom– maybe a blowjob for my birthday and whatever you want for yours.” He sounded as he was joking but you weren’t certain.

“Depends how nice of a wedding you had in mind. Otherwise I hope your stock up on tenga eggs” You threw the glass to the ground, letting it shattered by his boot– I wish you had been John Gillman all along and not Homelander… I wanted to marry that guy… there was this little place near my old house, a nice little park with lots of flowers…”

You had loved that memory, as embarassing tears returned, you now had no idea who was the man you had wanted all those years ago, everything built on lies, that younger you that had been ignorant was the happiest you’ve been, now you wish you could return to just being an overworked single mum, wished you could just look back at those days and still find glee if you tried… you wouldn’t dare complain anymore if you could.

“I’ll buy a million flowers just for you– picture this a carpet of flower petals as you walk down the aisle in a custom Lhullier gown, chiffon all over the ceiling, and chandeliers illuminating the roof of an antique church… Helena playing the piano, the whole world looking at you. So dinner?”

You gave him a sordid smile, more curious as to how he supposedly knew bridal designers– unable to shake up the picture of his bedroom housing a bunch of wedding magazines under his bed instead of porn.

“Let’s go to Junior’s– lovely family restaurant…" and full with people... lots of people, so he will behave-- and please don’t dress so fancy… just wear a baseball shirt and some khakis like a normal person.” You got up, your head heavier than your heart, aching more than your eyes– why didn’t you kill me a minute ago?”

“I am not making the same mistakes I did with Becca or Maeve, and you are angry… you’ll come around.” He pulled at you lifting your chin– so marry me, and make it official-official.”

“Sure. Okay. I’ll marry you. Why the fuck not?– am looking forward to a lifetime of celibacy while you fuck around all accross the tri-state area.” You sniffed a tad– love being a femcel.”

“Oh don’t be like that… my cock is all yours, just put a bag over my head and hate fuck me like a normal person, stupid– You know I can hold my breath real good.” He purred.

You gave his body a quick up-and-down, thinking of last night, he certainly was easy on the eyes, and still made sure to give you a happy ending.

“I almost think you will be happy with that.” you look at him confusedly, was he so desperate to keep you he would whore himself out so cheaply?-- just you and me playing house… is that all you want, really?”

“Well after last night, and after hanging out with Ryan and Helena together… I think I want another one.”

“Another what?”

“Kid.”

“Okay whatever”

His expression puzzled you, that wavy smile and the loud cogs in his brain working overtime as he realized that this was an event actually taking place and not a rehearsed and overplayed fantasy scenario, he had never anticipated your response, he had never expected the earnest response, it had only hit him… that you two had just gotten engaged.

He turned you around pushing you out the door.

Guess this wasn’t a cheap fuck from the local crackhead after all, as you realized you might've just agreed to have another kid... even if the odds weren't stacked in his favour.

“A son preferably” he spoke before disappearing at hyperspeed, leaving your hair glued to your face.

You broke down in laughter and tears, caught in a storm but it was absolutely hilarious nevertheless, people gawked at you as you cried and cackled by the foot of the metal statue.

You took your phone and googled the designer and gosh the work was fucking gorgeous, you made a note to have Helena break into his house to look for those bridal magazines later.

Homelander was choking on nothing, collapsed in his bedroom as his heart was about to explode, he couldn’t believe himself.

“You fucking imbecile! How are you so stupid!!?” The voice yelled at him, he recoiled, making himself small in the foot of his bed– you… you… goddammit tiger… how could you do such a thing” The voice was softer now.

“I didn’t think she would say yes so nonchalantly!” He cried.

“We didn’t even have a mariachi band! No flowers… god that was so ugly and cheap! So fucking embarassing.”

“But we got engaged didn’t we!?”

“Fake-engaged… send her flowers and go get a ring... make it real you cheap fuck!"

He nodded softly at his reflection, finally calming down, thinking he had actually done something right.

“A wife… finally a wife… and she can’t leave me… she can’t…” he whispered– so… we did it.”

“Don’t celebrate, she might change her mind.”

“Thought I was a pessimist,” he joked.

By night when you reached home there would be multiple knocks on your door, men carrying extravagant flower arrangements right after the other, even waking you up the next morning with carnations. Helena seemed pleased with your developments even if it made her nose a little itchy thst the house smelled like spring.

Leaving cards saying “thank you and I love you.”  for you to read.

It was cute, but excessive.

Homelander stared at the 30+ different cake options and the endless pages of the overwhelming restaurant menu, thinking of how many years it would take him to kill the calories, the place smelled sickly sweet and the people around were loud, at this point he might as well gone to fucking Chilli’s. His only consolation was that you did have a chuckle at his outfit, a dodger’s shirt, beige khakis and those sexy ass white New balance…the versace shades did come back, just to ruin the look.

Ryan and Helena exchanged expectant looks, both knowing you both were about to say something life changing and obvious, Homelander could smell his son’s anxiety feeding into his own as he shuffled in his seat.

The brown New York classic indoors were fun and charming, a hundred year old venue was cool, but he wanted this to be over and admire later.

“So… I have something to tell you Ryan.” He was so pale, ordering dessert first before dropping the news, his fork pushing the maraschino cherries around digging to get to the cheesecake he had no desire to eat.

“You guys are dating.” He blurted taking a bite of his layered carrot cheesecake.

“Well…” He swallowed hard, he looked at you for support, a little relieved inside admitedly.

Your hand reached out for this little boy’s arm, mustering a sweet honest smile, taking a long deep breath before speaking.

“Your father and I are getting married” Helena choked on red velvet frosting, trying not to die there, she expected you to get here but not immediately– I know I cannot replace your mother nor will I try, but I hope you can let me help take care of you, and that you can guide me to do so in a way that honors her memory.” 

You choked slightly on your own words.

As the kid looked at you in disbelief, unsure if he should take himself away from you, he looked at his father who hid his face with shame, checking if the people around this booth could overheard this.

“Your father and I dated for a couple years after he met your mother… We were both young and we led very different lives so we separated… but we had Helena…” He finally gave his son reassurance, stroking his back as you spoke camly– we had been seeing each other for a while now… so well here we are… We know it is sudden but after everything you went through in the last two years it just seemed irresponsible to throw myself into your life… but this isn’t better… is just not possible to contain, and is unfair in Helena.”

“She’s my sister…?” He looked at his father desperate for answers, with blotches of pink forming on his neck.

He had to give you points for how easy your lies flowed out of your tender lips, that was not in the script he had planned for tonite, he by now had forgotten all talking points he had planned for not that they mattered anymore, he even had you rehearse some but frankly you didn’t bother memorizing them either. 

“Did you know?” he asked Helena.

“I suspect it… I mean we got the same eye color.” she points with her fork.

“I didn’t know about you, Helena… your mother and I did not end on amicable terms.” He looks at you with believable tragedy, no doubt from years of acting on his belt and actual feelings– it is quite regrettable but we have reconciled, and that’s all that matters now.”

“I made mistakes when it came to my daughter and your father” Your mouth tasted like horseshit so you swallowed hard– I am sorry but I hope we can… get along… We both want you and Helena to grow up as a family. I won’t force you to accept me, and we won’t be moving in together any time soon but please give me a chance.” You said starting to tremble in your seat.

The kid and your kid looked at each other.

“You two are the worst.” Your daughter spoke on his behalf as the kid seemed lost.

“Is okay… I think this could’ve been worse” Ryan said– you seem nice Ms. L/N…”

“You can call me Y/N or a nickname if you like.” You said with your most saccharine voice– Your dad and I were thinking maybe going together for a holiday… bit of a bonding experience.”

Ryan and Helena contemplated the idea, Homelander was panicking as you forced your revisions onto him.

“Camping would be nice.” Ryan said.

“I always wanted to see Yellowstone.” Helena giggled at the idea of seeing geysers, and this man failing miserably to build a tent.

“You’re taking this quite well, honey” You said towards your daughter.

“It is what it is…”

A/N: will say what reader-chan said about Becca does not reflect my personal views on Ms. Saunders storyline, but in this story HL never told her about the events of Ryan's conception obviously nor hinted at anything unsavoury involving the matter... for all purposes Reader knows HL kills people willy nilly but isn't a sex offender.

Taglist-- hope you guys had fun reading @demodemo909 @immyowndefender @fromforeigntofamiliarity @666riddler

@ghqstfqce

[georgevilliers]

challengers fic recs

so in light of my previous post about art/patrick dynamics in fics, here are some fics I've read that I have really enjoyed so far (I'm not listing them here but please always be mindful of the tags and ratings...most of these are porn, so)

backslide - spqr - “So,” Patrick says, after an awkward minute. “I’m still your emergency contact.” “I forgot to change it,” Art lies.

this monstrous fire - kithmet - Afterward, in the hotel room, there’s a shift.

futile devices - emarallax - It hurts. Art had come to forget. Not to remember. “I’m sorry,” he begins, much more mellow now. “I had a shit day and I read the whole thing wrong.” “No no no no,” he shakes his hands placatingly in front of him, smiling even wider now. “You didn’t. I’m Patrick.” Art gives him a polite smile in return, “Art.” “You certainly are,” Patrick murmurs.

brutalizer - spqr - “If you win tomorrow,” Tashi tells Patrick, "I’ll let you fuck him.”

my moral standing is laying down - comosum - “It means he likes me to talk about you when we fuck,” Tashi says, blunt. Art feels every part of him go hot. “Tashi,” he says. “What?” Tashi asks. “We were going there anyway.”

cherrylime - concentrate, kocasoda - Their hotel room is still ten degrees hotter than it should be.

no 'i' in three - sundermount - “I am a stay-at-home husband, if you haven’t noticed,” Art says drily. “Taking care of my daughter while you fly around the world with my wife, Mister Calvin Klein.”

soft living - spanish_sahara - Years after the New Rochelle Challenger. Vignettes of a summer in Los Angeles.

is a dream a lie if it don't come true or is it something worse - comosum - “Have you read this?” Tashi doesn’t raise a brow but she does level him with a look. The look says that if she wanted to exert more than an iota of effort into this conversation, she would raise a brow. “Did you buy,” she drawls, still tapping out a rhythm on her laptop, “a teen magazine?” “It’s GQ,” Art says. There’s a beat. “Tashi.”

hit where it hurts - plastiswafers - Art's still not good enough, and Tashi needs another favor before the US Open begins. Patrick is all too happy to oblige.

games to play - civilbores - Art agrees to go on a road trip with Patrick and Tashi, and gets more than he bargained for.

triptych - kithmet - Tashi begins coaching Patrick—as does Art, in a way.

put all you need in me - melobaby - In which the hotel with Tashi wasn't the first time Art and Patrick have kissed.

if it turns out i peaked in high school just shoot me - anonymous - (it's a high school au)

it's only sex (it's only sex) - sharkhead - He just cracked open the window, and pulled a box of cigarettes and a lighter from his jacket, half on the floor and half on her desk chair. He was musing on how far he must have thrown it, when Tashi says, voice clear and even from the bed, “You talk about Art a lot when we're fucking.”

we kiss and we keep busy - madddi13 - "Patrick what- what are you doing?” “Entertaining myself, Arty.” He says matter of factly, then leans up and sucks on Art’s skin.

knee deep in the passenger seat - melobaby - Two weeks after their Challenger, Art and Patrick have a night to themselves. They have a lot to talk about.

too bright to look at - timeloops - That’s the thing about Patrick Zweig. All he does is want. He doesn’t know how to stop. —patrick zweig, on desperately wanting someone to look back at you, even if you have to drive them away to do it

like real love - vokdas - Art tries not to worry about whether his wife loves him because he was always second to tennis anyway, and then third to Lily, and that’s fine. It’s not until he’s pushed to fourth that the wound starts to rot.

plausible deniability - plastiswafers - The page is unambiguously TMZ, but most of the screen is a photograph. A shitty photograph, to be sure, one that looks like it was taken with someone’s iPhone 4 and left to marinate for the better part of a decade—but a photograph. Of Art. And Patrick. At the Grove, two days ago. Patrick is kissing what could charitably be called Art’s cheek but is, in reality, the corner of his mouth. Art has an arm looped around Patrick’s shoulders. He’s all smiles. The headline: Following US OPEN FLAMEOUT, Art Donaldson seen with MYSTERY…MAN? DIVORCE RUMORS hit fever pitch—WHERE’S TASHI?

open heart / open container - comosum - “I don’t think you ever bought your own cigarettes in the six years I knew you.” “You’ve known me eighteen years,” Art corrects, instinctively.

che sarà sarà - galehautstomb - Art had been married to Tashi for half a decade and was still amazed by her ruthless efficiency in every aspect of her life. This included, to the surprise of no one who knew her well, vacations – or rather, breaks snuck between tennis matches which she qualified as such.

[nephblrus]

staff meeting

this is a drabble i wrote ages ago but wanted to post publicly to link in my oc archive.

the following conversation is between Stella Halliday and other staff members. to keep is easier to read, anything Stella says will be in bold

s: “alright, something else i wanted to bring up, we got a new brand kid registered for the new season. Bleach Annaki”

“annaki?”

“isnt that the lethal kid?”

“what’s he doing here?”

“can he even register here? thought he was an academy student”

“he’s been AWOL for like 5 months!

s: “quiet. let me talk. he registered a few days ago and is planning on starting up in the next season. i went through his file last night. it’s long.”

“doesn’t surprise me, brand kid and all”

“yeah that kids a machine”

s: “apparently he moved in with his brother. after looking at his file i have some guesses as to why, but i’ll keep that to myself. what i do what to discuss about him, well- okay who has questions first”

“how is he registered here? he’s an academy student.”

s: “says he dropped out of school and his team 4 months ago. didn’t graduate. no further information on that”

“we don’t know why?”

s: “he definitely got injured. he’s got… quite the medical history. chronic illness, ink sac deformity, lot of random injures over the years, and specifically, a 2 month long hospital admission, directly following when he dropped out”

“holy mackerel”

“good god”

“poor guy”

s: “yeah. besides autism, there’s nothing noted as diagnosis’, but he clearly has some trouble handling emotions, and with all the stuff he’s been through, wouldn’t shock me if he had a good amount of trauma”

“oh for sure. brand kids get pushed hard. i used to follow his plays for a while, his dad is harsh. like, really harsh. Nic Annaki”

“i forgot thats his dad”

“who’s that?”

“you don’t know nic annaki?”

s: “nic annaki was the greatest player of his generation and currently is the coach of the annaki professional team. he funds a heavy amount of money into freshwater academy and the inkopolis anarchy industry as a whole”

“yeah, that kids definitely fucked up”

s: “so. i’d like to discuss a support plan for him. he’s in S to start but i can’t imagine it’ll take him long to climb the leaderboards. his brother, Perri, stopped by to talk with one of the nurses and give them some more info on his health the other day. he needs to be monitored on if he’s drying out”

“dry out?”

“you’ll know it when you see him, ends of his tentacles are white. permanent damage”

“how do you know that?”

“like i said. i kept up with him for a while”

s: “yes. for now he’s got a limit of playing 2 full rotations a day, which i’ve been told will get bumped up and up over time. he’s still recovering from… whatever it was”

“we’ll let the spectators know to have someone check in with him after every few games. keep an eye out for droughting”

“does he got one of those tube things? he’ll probably have a custom ink tank, gotta get that approved through mechanics”

they spend a bit longer writing down notes for what might need to be in bleach’s plan, reviewing his file as a group, and sending information where it needs to be sent.

[the-interidiot]

Inspector, what his deal is, why he exists and why I RP with him.

Since I’ve gotten back into RP and have pulled out of the closet my old roleplaying character and his lore, I thought I’d finally. Explain him? Since a few of my moots are people I RP with occasionally.

WHY I MADE INSPECTOR

[not important. just. kind of an interesting story. This is. VERY long, so if you just care about current inspector and not the IRL backstory, skip to the red part.]

So. Inspector was originally made a BMC oc. Yeah, that’s why he’s so weird. Originally he was SQUIP OC, when those were more popular, and was made for a whole roleplay group of 15 or so other peoples SQUIPS.

Originally his whole shtick as a character was that he has an almost infinite knowledge of anything he wanted (in the moment he wanted it, though it was often faded away once not needed), in exchange for being able to remember no details about himself. Essentially reverse Mrs. Holloway ahh deal.

There was some other role player [who I’ll call DS for the sake of this], whose whole thing was that HIS SQUIP could jump dimensions. It was admittedly a really overpowered concept for a BMC oc, but we were all little thirteen year olds. 🤷

DS teamed up with Inspector so they could become a weird like. Alliance against this one dude who was evil that I don’t remember? I think it was a malware character. DS could jump dimensions but not know where to go, and Inspector could tell him but not teleport on his own. Well one of these days DS had been in some. Betrayal w/ another character and halfway through teleporting tried to kill Inspector by portaling him into ‘white space’, which was death for the RP.

Inspector’s code got completely destroyed, and when he came back - which took a while (and was a nice offline time IRL for me), he was weird and glitchy, but his power had went to the extreme. He could hold intelligence of all dimensions, though he no longer had omnipresent intelligence. Just more than normal. But on the base scale, his drawback went from ‘I can’t remember myself’ to ‘I cannot form a real personality’.

The next part was super long so summing it up. Started working for some other girl. Replaced his eye and got cool new arm. Made his whole brand after the girl and formed an honestly pretty codependent relationship with her. The girl was a dick. Kept the branded eye. Felt like shit about it. Eventually unplugged himself from the SQUIP database, got a new eye, and left for good. I stopped the RP with that (or at least Inspectors story), and he faded into obscurity.

SO. WTF IS HIS DEAL NOW?

I kept some of the original story, but tried to make it more… general? His story rewrite was intentionally vague so it could apply to any fandom.

Inspector is something. Not a human, something.

He can traverse dimensions and has a good base knowledge of any universe he travels too once he arrives.

He’s not immortal, but dying is weird for him, so dying actually often makes him more knowledgeable when he comes back. But it takes him a LONG ass time to come back sometimes, and his emotional memory is muddied for a few weeks. Temporary grey memory.

Gets recruited by a interdimensional protection group for his abilities.

This part runs the same as his original story, he idolizes his boss and gets a branded outfit and fakr eyepatch in her brand. (For the aesthetic. Pirate stuff. Kind of.)

She sucks ass and he dies a shit ton because he sucks.

When the group is attacked and threatened with being erased, she pushes Inspector into the crossfire. The company dies anyway, he survives, and falls out of reality.

Fucks up his eye. It stops obeying the laws of reality.

He ends up actually needing the eyepatch. After a few years accepts he can’t really reclaim his identity and starts dimensional hopping.

Anywhere he shows up adds to his lore in that fandom, but in fandom stuff is boring and not something I’m going to use to make this post LONGER. Just know every RP he does (per fandom) is canon. So every HF role play is canon to HF Inspector. Every BMC role play is canon to BMC inspector.

uh. tagging two of my moots who. even know this fella because even if you dont respond to it i at least would like to tag somebody so i know at least one person read (part of it). since this took. literally honest to fucking god 40 minutes. @ashtxeman @crossnamara

[zenkindoflove]

Do you have any advice for making yourself just sit down and write?

I really want to start writing again (I have not written since high school[and I’m old]) and I have so many ideas in my head but for some reason I can’t make myself write them. It’s not even writers block. It’s like fear? And not even fear about the quality of the writing. I’m super delulu and think I’ll be good at everything on the first try 😅

It’s like stage fright over writing even if it’s only for myself. I think if I can just make myself start I’ll find a groove. But I can’t make myself start.

Hey anon!

First of all "I'm super delulu and think I'll be good at everything on the first try" - Hello are you me? LMAO, this is me and my big, unnerving ego. I'm always like "oh, I think I'd fucking EAT." Even counter to evidence.

First, I want to say I relate a lot to the state you are in now. I wrote a ton when I was younger. First original stuff as a pre-teen/teen and then when I was around 16, I started writing fanfic regularly in my first fandom. I would say I wrote and posted (though I've deleted a lot of these fics since then) regularly from 2006-2012. I then had some pretty big life altering stuff happen, and I only wrote very sparingly up until late 2023 after I finished ACOTAR.

I've always thought of myself as a "writer" but during those 10 years where I wasn't really writing (fiction that is. I was writing plenty as an academic scientist going through graduate school, postdoc, and then the few years of adjuncting trying to keep my career afloat) I kind of thought that it was all just something I used to do. And then I got a new obsession with Elucien and felt like "oh, I can definitely write about this." And here I am. And I think I'm doing really well. I've really shown myself that being a writer never really leaves you. You just need the motivation, space in your life, and some discipline to do it.

Okay, but to your question, how to get started writing? Well, the answer is truly "just start writing". Which sounds like I'm blowing you off, but I think I have a few tips that might help you.

Take those daydreams that you keep having to chase away the crazy pain of life and jot down little details about them. Don't think of it as you're writing the story down. Maybe you're just making a bulleted list of the things you like to fixate on. Maybe it's capturing a cute moment with a few vibey words. Maybe you're really inspired and you write out a outline of a basic plot. Some of these may end up becoming a story down the line as you build momentum.

And if you do feel the urge, just sit down and write 100 words of a scene. No one is watching. No one will read it. It's just you and your computer. Who cares if it's fragmented sentences and half baked thoughts? And then when you return to it, maybe you realize "Oh, I could add some here, and maybe a bit there." And suddenly you're actually writing out a one-shot.

I also highly recommend looking up prompts for when you feel like your ideas are tapped out or you need just a little push to get the ball rolling.

For me, I have also made it a point to write a little bit each day or every other day. Some days nothing will happen and that's okay. But now that I've started again, writing has become a rush for me. I've really found myself again. I had such an identity crisis during the pandemic. I became a mom completely alone and isolated from friends and family. I became disillusioned with becoming a professor which I had been working towards since I was 18. And sure enough, coming back to this hobby that I did in my teens/early twenties really grounded me in the person I always have known. I just needed something that was only mine to have again.

I hope you can start that journey too, anon! And if you ever want to come off anon and chat, my DMs are always open!

[cloudsandcrescents]

☁️ Current Life Update ☁️

Just wanted to provide an update here as I know I’ve gotten quiet again. Anyone who knows me personally knows I don’t make excuses and don’t like to procrastinate. I’m pretty organized and love sticking to a schedule. No one has accused me of being either and I know my personal life and health (mental and physical) take precedent but I’ve always been one who feels the need to explain things and share updates because I’ve gained a bit of a following and the last thing I want is for anyone to think I’m abandoning these works or just screwing around.

Again, I know, I know, I don’t have to justify this and you all are always supportive and understanding but I also believe in transparency and my own personal accountability. It’s a little lengthy but here we go.

Shortly after I posted my last posting schedule, I was supposed to be taking a few days off from work. I am very susceptible to burnout and could feel myself getting too in my head, struggling with remembering to eat, not getting enough sleep, etc. That very first day of my break we had a very unexpected family emergency and I was the only person who was able to help. I’m an introvert by nature and while I do love my family, I really enjoy my time to myself and I try to prioritize that alone time because it’s integral in helping me prevent burnout.

This sudden emergency brought a familiar but sudden change that I wasn’t prepared for and immediately lost all of my days of my mini break to having to socialize and extend more of myself that I didn’t have to give away. That shot my mood down tremendously and further exacerbated negative feelings and thoughts that I was hoping to get away from. I stopped eating entirely and was averaging a few hours of sleep and was immediately thrust back into working.

After some much needing venting and conversation with my RDN and my therapist, I started to gather myself back together. Writing was resuming and I didn’t feel great but I did feel a little more like myself. About a week ago I started feeling under the weather but brushed it off, took some medicine and tried to keep pushing through it. It didn’t work. Despite taking medicine and trying to rest and eat properly, I noticed I wasn’t getting better and was gradually getting worse. Finally decided to go to the doctor and found out that I have pneumonia so of course my measly meds weren’t working and got switched over to some antibiotics.

So that’s where we are currently. Mentally, I still feel a little off but I’ll get there and was able to schedule some more time off next week. I have been writing in between where I can but nowhere near as much as I would’ve liked. Today’s feels the best so far but even now I’m probably only about 40%.

Again, I know an explanation isn’t really owed but I don’t like leaving you all hanging without hearing something from me. It feels like every time I get back ahead of things, something gets in the way and it makes me feel worse because it seems like I’m doing more updates on why I’m not writing than updates on new chapters.

If you managed to sit here and read all of this, I applaud you and appreciate you for doing so. I’m hoping that whatever this horrible spell is that I’m going through right now ends swiftly. I love writing these stories and I love sharing them with you all and I really want to get back to it more than anything. Sorry for the long post but you all are amazing and deserve to know what’s going on.

Thank you,

Your Friend Cloud 🩵

[lisztcmania]

My heart is waking up and for the first time in a long time I feel alive. A week ago my bestfriend for 2 years became my girlfriend. She is as radiant and lovely as she always was and more, and I am fumbling and tripping over every puddle I find myself in (the contrast, in my head, is quite funny). I’d be lying if I said the prospect of change doesn’t continue to scare me everyday. Even though I laid out all my cards to her and pulled out every disclaimer I could think of about how I’m absolutely going to be very much the same genre of person (this is because I am ace, continuously figuring things out about myself, and awkward), I am beginning to think there’s so much more to me and so much more to us than I’ve ever thought. I’m less scared of the change in our dynamic, more scared of the change in me. I find the need to channel every bit of limited, fair weather, literary power I have to accurately display every shapeless, complicated, complex, feeling I have about the urge to shout to everyone I have a girlfriend and she is amazing despite me being the most rigid, simple and lame person known to man. Hence, making this post.

I am actively dealing with change by fully embodying the change. What that means for me is choosing the mortifyingly vulnerable path to resemble being alive. I’ve learned that running from it has caused me to be dissociative, so, I won’t shield myself from all of that anymore in the hopes I get to at least be in my body when I’m experiencing devastating, wonderful things. My girlfriend is open, cheesy, affectionate in all the ways I lack and severely want. So I’ll try to one-up her by being embarrassing, honest, and openly affectionate in the only way I know how --through writing. 

Where the faulted normalcy of my outer shell fails, the commended silliness of my literary inner being succeeds at. All of that is proven in every lyric and poem I’ve written and lied to her about and said they were about general concepts when really they were all about her. In every song I sent spewing blabbery analyses and media parallelism when in reality they only reminded me of her. In every info dump I do when we talk about media that made me vulnerable, that really just meant I trusted her with every bit of me, hear me, see me, I adore you. In every time she’d lay her head on my shoulder and her breathing sounded like waves crashing to the shore, back and forth. In every time I allowed myself to feel so much for her and my words fail to give something unsayable, I compare the feeling to a cliff dive to the sea --and how I wish I could tell my hesitant self that you did it, it’s fine, the water is radiant and warm and it glows when you’re around. 

You’re alive but you’re terrified, for how can someone who used to be so desperate to pushing down the heart ever feel like there’s something beating at all? There is no reference point. The beating feels alien and it doesn’t feel normal...until ultimately, with patience, it does. Until it feels familiar. Until it feels welcoming and captivating and all I want is to chase it even if it means embarrassing myself in front of my girlfriend and whoever is reading this. This is my gift to her, this is my gift to the version of me who has it a bit more figured out than I do now. 

May you be as silly, as serious, as passionate, as cheesy, as bold and as silent in power.

And to her, I love you very much and you know this already because I tell you every time you tell me. This is the least I could say as the unsayable amalgamation of what I feel. I want to give you the world. This is the new, innate thing that has awakened along with my heart. It’s all for you and me to share.

[wigglebox]

i’m going to go on a mini art hiatus from now until the first of the year [so just like, two weeks]

i think it’s important for ourselves to understand when we need a break. i never understood the importance of it i think until just now. usually i try to push through it all and white-knuckle my way through burn out but that never had good results. There were several years i barely drew at all because i pushed myself too much and was too frustrated with my art and what to do with it [also suffering from ‘this isn’t my own style’ syndrome]

not saying i’m in that state now, on the contrary i’m more secure in how i draw now. it feels original, and for once it’s reflecting how i want to feel versus how i’m feeling at the moment. and, it feels wholly my own. 

however, between sept. 28 and nov. 30 i have drawn over 80+ things. some i haven’t posted bc they were just doodles, but that’s a lot to do.

in fact, it was so much, that i am on the verge of getting tennis elbow. or, i already have it. but the last couple of days have been okay so who knows. 

regardless, while i loooooved doing suptober prompts and was super proud of myself for getting every day done, and i loved doing all of y’alls awesome requests from voting, i was so drawn [heh] into it that i didn’t allow any time for me to rest, thus resulting in an almost serious injury to my arm and wrist. i never had that problem before! 

and i don’t even use my hands just for drawing. i like to write, i like to crochet, weave, embroider, crossstich, so on and so forth so it’s important to me that my hands and arms can continue to function how i need them to. 

but physical injury aside, i think i want to take these final two weeks of 2022 to just reflect on my art journey, and where i want to go in 2023. 

i’m on the edge of real burnout and art block and i don’t want that energy to carry me into the new year. 

i’m excited for my goals for 2023 which i’ll do a separate post on, and i want to make sure i stay excited for that. 

i know when i’m starting to get to real burn out [and not just ‘i’m tired’ temporary burn out] when it’s hard to shake the worry over ‘low engagement’ on my art. that’s when the low confidence comes back, the fear and the disappointment and the sadness. 

so — maybe i’ll sketch some things, put those videos on tiktok [wiggleboxart] or something, but for the most part, i’m going to take a break these next two weeks and just recharge for the new year.

i hope you all understand! and i’m not going anywhere of course, you’re still going to see me on here and stuff, and i will draw again and post stuff again — 

but just going to take a smol break so i can recharge and start 2023 with fresh energy! <3 

[amouress16]

My 2022 Animation Overview

This last year was my first year getting into animation. While I’m not fortunate enough to be able to afford college to go the professional route of this kind of art career, I am lucky to have the support to try and push my way in as an amateur anyway. So now here I am, with eleven months of self teaching experience under my belt.

I started back in February with this one here. My first ever animation (and first ever copyright strike, yay for youtube’s auto flagger not knowing how fair use law works ;u;). I’ve been lucky that this one is only one of two of my animatics that I’ve been able to spot a mistake in post upload.

This one was a shorter one that I managed to get done in only a couple weeks, and probably the one I’m least proud of at this point from it’s lack of substance. Still, every bit helps me learn, and it was still cute.

And now to my most popular animation so far! I was very happy so many people liked this one, especially since Vincent is my favorite character in VTSoM, I got to have a lot of fun making it- I’ll definitely be making more Vincent centric ones. Like the one I have in the works right now... ;)

Ye ol classic meme animatic, The Hole. Everyone who watches meme animations for their fandoms has seen some variation of this one. This was mine. This was where I started using more repeat “assets” (read: drawings) for the sake of consistency and saving myself time, for the first time.

And another classic meme approach, vines. I plan on making two more of these for VTSoM in particular, but I will keep them spaced out since they’re a little more exhaustive to make. A lot of unrelated scenes with so many different characters being drawn out over two or three months is, well, a lot!

And finally something from a different fandom! ...listen, I am a fnaf fan on tumblr, Sun and Moon brainrot is par for the course here. This particular animatic was another short one that came after two months of bad art block and life stress and me getting sick back to back. I needed a simple thing to come back with. Not to mention, I got an art tablet as a gift during the holidays, which was a major upgrade for me, so I had to learn (and am still learning) to use a totally new animation program! Thus, this silly little thing.

And that’s all for ‘22!

If you read through this whole thing, thank you! I know I don’t really post my art as often as some folks so it’s harder to tell, but I do work hard and near constantly on creating things. Lately that’s been largely animations, so I don’t have a whole lot of time for other things. And while I’d love to do this all for free, we do live under capitalism and I have to be able to pay for vet bills and groceries. So if you’d like to and are able to yourself, please consider checking out my Patreon! I post weekly updates of my animation progress as well as occasional random WIPs and sketches. Anyway, thanks again, and happy 2023!

[solarflicker-ao3]

omg this is me trying not to pick every single option for the fanfic writer ask thing. like good lord i would love to know ALL OF THAT.

I’ll narrow it down tho :)

4, 11, 17, 23, 27, 40, 56

if that’s still too many, feel free to just pick your fav one!!

I got ‘em all!!

Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Ruined Ambitions is largely drawn from my own experiences, other people’s experiences, and shameless wish fulfillment. But then for longer pieces like Judecca and an upcoming fic it’s some part of the culture that I live in (Bible Belt) and wanting to be a moderately pretentious contrarian about it. Also occasionally prompts, but I have a very long list of those to choose from.

Link your three favorite fics right now

Poured Out Like Water

this one is insanely underrated!!

sickly sweet

a certified @jittyjames banger my history says I’ve read it dozens of times 😳

no talk of god

devastating don’t let the cover art fool you. It’s a perfect prequel to the uk arena tour and the characterization is so good.

What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Depends on the block. If I’m just completely stuck, and hate everything I’ve ever written then just trying to push ahead is pretty useless. Those are all signs that I haven’t been taking physical care of myself and I need to get back on track before there’s any point in adding stress from writing goals.

But if that’s not the problem I play video game music! It’s perfect since it’s designed to keep you focused on whatever you’re doing. If I can push myself past about ten minutes without switching to a different tab, that usually breaks the block enough for a oneshot.

Best writing advice for other writers?

It’s cliche but perfect is the enemy of good. So find the point where it’s good enough and then let it be. Also if you really hate the scene you’re writing you should probably change the scene.

What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

Honestly it’s when I get a comment or bookmark from someone who connected with what I wrote. A lot of the stuff I post comes from very personal and vulnerable places and it’s nice to not be alone there.

Least favorite is when I’m stressed out for other reasons I get absolutely convinced that everything I’ve written is terrible and embarrassing. Like it’s a great outlet but thanks for the new vulnerability I guess 🤨

If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

Literally so many. If I had the skills I would probably be doing illustrations for every chapter and every oneshot. Top three would be Judas being healed in Judecca, the date in Not Just Any Man, and literally any moment from What’s That In The Bread?

What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

Okay so just being able to write gay stuff at all is very significant so I am very proud of that. When I was a kid/teen i would go out of my way to make it clear that my characters were Definitely Not Gay because that would be Wrong. Stylistically I also think that my stuff is fun to read and I love hiding easter eggs and literary references.

[soursavior]

I’ve been seeing a lot of friends posting that one image that says something like “Don’t start making your resolutions for next year without acknowledging the things you’ve accomplished this year first.” That makes sense to me. Can’t know where you’re going unless you know where you’ve been.

2022

At the start of the year, I got pushed out of the job I’d been doing for over a decade. I’d become very comfortable there, despite the abuse. They took away my hours then offered me longer hours at a worse site for less pay. I took it because we didn’t have the savings to make it through if I didn’t, but it spurred me on to new heights of job searching. I eventually took a gamble on a temp position in a totally new to me industry. It was a big increase in pay, assuming I could impress them enough to stay past the initial contract. I was nervous, but I put in the effort. I excelled. My boss and his boss and her boss all fought hard to convince the budget people and in November I got converted to permanent. I was about to say “I’m still at the bottom rung” but that’s not even really true outside of my department. The point is, it’s the first job I’ve had where I could genuinely call it a career. I like the work, I like my coworkers, and I’ve had positive interactions with every layer of management including the CEO.

In May, I drew an orangutan with a sword for one of my internet friends. I hadn’t tried to draw anything more complicated than a stick figure since grade school, but I put in the time and pulled up reference and came out with something that was at least recognizable. I was a little nervous showing it to my friend, because she’s a professional artist, but she was super supportive. The next day I bought my first sketchbook. My wife encouraged me to draw every day if I wanted to get better at it, so I did. There wound up being some gaps, for practical reasons, and now that it’s a habit I take the occasional day off. And you know what? It worked. I’ve filled two sketchbooks, plus half of a travel sketchbook, plus some digital pieces. The drawings I’m producing now aren’t professional quality or anything, but if you put them side by side with the earlier stuff it’s easy to see that practice works.

In August I had my dick cut off. That involved quite a few days of missing out on drawing practice. It had been in the works for over a year by that point. I’m not rolling in cash, so I had to chart a course that would appease our health insurance. Luckily, I live in a place with pretty strict laws about how insurers have to behave with regards to gender affirming care. Also luckily I had started my new job that I could do while lying in bed as long as I had my work laptop and wasn’t taking opiates. I couldn’t do the kind of walking or even sitting upright that my old security job needed for over 2 months, but my mind worked just fine. 

I also made new friends this year. I won’t call you all out, but I think I know who you are.

I made a new personal website as a hub for my online presence because individual social media platforms are so unstable.

I read over my resolutions from last year. None of them had anything to do with any of this stuff. They were: Stay Invested in my new ttrpg campaign; make a new card game or remake one of my existing ones; remember to promote the games I have for sale more often; continue working on my self-photography skills; and treat myself gently. Of those, I only did the photography one. So, let’s bear that in mind as I lay out some goals for next year.

2023

Make a new card game or remake one of the ones I’ve pulled from circulation. Now that I’m doing my own art stuff, it should be easier than ever to make a game. I just have to do it.

Draw more. Keep improving. Specifically, draw more naked ladies than I did in 2022. In 2022 I made 29 drawings of 6 naked ladies (7 if you count the clothed model that I turned into a building sized naked monster), so I’ll need to arrange at least 30 drawings and 8 models. I’ve got 3 already lined up. Got to find at least 5 volunteers to help provide reference. (My DMs are open.)

Sing more. Consider learning an instrument. Not a mouth instrument, one I can do while singing.

This time for real, treat myself gently.

[marikos-diary]

I ended up getting sodas and going for a little drive. It was kind of nice. But I didn’t want to push my luck and overdo it so I came home. I’ll go out to get a carton of smokes later this evening once the sun has gone down and it feels less scary. I wanted to this time but I got scared with the sun out and everything.

I did eat a little something. It wasn’t healthy but it was what I could manage. Three mini bags of Doritos about an hour ago. Maybe thirty minutes ago? I don’t know. I will try to do a microwave meal for dinner so that it is at least somewhat healthy. I got a bunch of my favorite one in my last grocery order so I will try and do that.

Still haven’t managed to do litter boxes. It just feels so overwhelming. I posted on my local subreddit that my disabilities are keeping me from doing activities like taking care of myself and cleaning and asked for recommendations on what service to use. I got one helpful response but everyone else was really mean so I deleted it. I might look on somewhere like task rabbit for help cleaning the litter boxes just for a few weeks. I’d have to download the app and see if that is even something someone would do. And how much it would be. It’s worth a look. I don’t want the girls to suffer just because I am suffering. I’ll go download it hang on.

I downloaded it and looked and there is no way to hire someone just to clean the litter boxes and brush my cats. I would have to hire a pet sitter. But maybe that would be what I need to do? Hire someone to come by every day and brush them and clean their litter boxes. That way they aren’t suffering.

I don’t know. I feel so guilty for being so incapable. I’ll think on it. I’ll keep trying for today.

In other news, the thoughts are back. The urge to take all of my medicine all at once. I don’t have a plan. I just want to go for it. There is a feature in the new iOS where I can schedule messages to send at a certain time so I could let people know and apologize for not being better. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. It’s an option. Or maybe I wouldn’t even do that. I would rather not be found. I would leave plenty of food and water out fir the girls. I would make sure they were set for about a week. And they could always eat me too. So they would be okay until found. I would buy alcohol and take my meds with that, I think. And then climb in bed and get comfortable and put on a show or a podcast. And just drift off. That sounds so nice. I have o wait through. I just finished my Ativan bottle and I can’t refill it until later this month. So I have to wait regardless. Something about Ativan and drinking is very bad. But I will be patient and wait and see how I feel when the time comes.

So I guess I’m stuck here until then. I might go have another smoke. I lost track of time and idk how long it has been. If I do I will just go out and buy the carton. But I hear people in the hall so I am anxious to leave. My white noise machine only does so much.

I am finding that I much prefer this building early in the morning before anyone wakes up and deep late at night when no one is awake. It is very quiet and peaceful I am thinking of switching to a night routine just for a little bit to see if it helps with my anxiety at all. If it makes it easier to leave the house.

I wish I had a friend to talk to. I am so alone. All I have are my cats. They are my only companions, and I am probably leaving them too. Their love has sustained me for many many many years but I think I hit my limit. I don’t know. If I don’t do it now then I will do it when Boo passes. I don’t know. I don’t want to make them sad. But I can’t keep living like this. It’s been misery and misery and more misery ever since Kayla died. Nothing has been good since then. It’s all just been difficult and hard. Is it so bad if I want to join her? I don’t think so. I don’t know.

The cats complicate things. Maybe I will just stay status quo. And when they both pass then I will do it. I don’t know. I don’t want to leave them behind. But I don’t know if I can handle another however many years of being miserable.

I don’t know.