#EndohWrites...fluff?

[xoxoendoh]

Close to Lost

A leaf of cartography, an inkwell upturned… He’d stained the land, he’d blotted out the verdant life around him.

SasuSaku Month 2018, Day 4: Burn

A/N: No content warnings for this fic, and I apologize for being a whopping twenty-four days late! For whatever reason, this one took forever and a half.

Jukebox: "You Are the Moon" by The Hush Sound

FF.net link

Sakura had been wandering through the secluded training grounds, eyes downcast; her troubling ruminations as much to blame as the glare of the sinking sun. There was something about the place that kept her coming back, something reassuring.... Ever since the start of the chunin exams, she had been unable to quiet her mind. Sleepless nights strung together, wakeful worries interwove: she couldn’t shed the net tangled about her.

And through some frayed string of fate, she found the object of her rumination that evening. She caught him in a moment of weakness, shortly after he’d fallen to Sabaku no Gaara and the beast within him, a time near the cruel anniversary of his clan’s demise.

And he was sending up flares.

The gradual transition to twilight was the perfect showcase for his fireballs, their red flames churning upward to lick at the weary sun in spite, in envy.

They were her beacon, drawing her into the trees.

Under the canopy, the woods were dense and shadowy green—and just as they should be. Yet with every stride, the foliage grew more glaucous; the acerbic smell on the air strengthened, it burned…. And she began to hear the silence as she went deeper. There was nothing. No chirping, no scurrying. No cicadas humming their nightly crescendo, their exaltation of the rising moon. Not even cries warning of her intrusion. Just the sound of her footsteps and breath and the heavy quiet… Her instincts, however, beckoned her onward.

And all at once, she found his fury.

It could have been beautiful. Perhaps it was….

She saw downy dandelion parachutes suspended in spring; she saw windswept sakura petals, lilting and languid at the height of hanami….

Yet she knew she stood in summer. Her hands leapt to cover her mouth, her heart.

Fine motes cast a strange veil to compound the dusk. Tufts of ash drifted sedately, buoyant on the dense air; wispy embers, flickering orange and gold, floated along the heated murk. The incinerated terrain below hissed and sputtered in despairing protest.

A leaf of cartography, an inkwell upturned… He’d stained the land, he’d blotted out the verdant life around him.

The unfurling fumes thwarted her attempt at a calming breath, turning it into a muffled wheeze against her palm. Her fingers tightened at her collar, releasing the steam of perspiration; she shook her head, repelling the flecks as they sifted down. One footfall disturbed the chalk of the forest floor; the next created a small cloud. Uneven as they were, her steps took her through the ruin, the temperature climbing as the sun fell, until she stood a few feet away from the boy she loved. The origin of the blaze…

Her tiny frame trembled faintly in the wafting grey, in the orange glow of smoldering coals. She could feel the heat of his destruction radiating into her skin. And she knew she should look him in the eyes, but she couldn’t—not when his gaze had been so blank, so hollow only moments before…. He’d just stood there, among the scattered cinders and flames, the brittle charcoal, the blackened remnants of a vernal woodland. He could have been a child witnessing his first snowfall, dazed, unable to fathom it all. He hadn’t said a word. Perhaps he’d been unable.

"S-Sasuke-kun,” Sakura began hoarsely, sure in the need to break the silence, to tell him…yet so uncertain in the method, in the phrasing. “The day we became genin…” she trailed off, unable to deny her eyes the scene around him.

The burnt foliage above had come apart at the seams, falling so bright in the maturing darkness. Spores seeking to take root, nascent sparks popped and rocketed skyward to compete with those descending from the treetops. Flurrying and whirling, they clashed. Yet it was a futile rivalry, for even fire was failing: the last of the withering flames lusted after the unburnt traces at his feet; blindly, they reached and stretched and groped the scorched earth for virgin kindling to burn, to consume….

But there’s nothing left….

The notion tugged her from her odd reverie, sent a shiver to shake her spine. She’d seen enough. Sakura bit down on her lip. The grainy dust—the arid, acrid taste of smoke and wrath—lingered on her tongue as her lips parted.

The weight of her words and the pain in the memory sucked the remaining oxygen from the haze around her, forcing her to speak too quickly: “That day, you told me solitude is the worst sort of pain! I-I see it so clearly now, Sasuke-kun! I…” She felt weighted, so heavy. Her short hair shielded her face as she hung her head lower, eyes closed to the irritants and toxins around her. “I…” she tried again, in a whisper, “I didn’t back then, I had no idea…” Her voice was stronger: “But I think, maybe now, I understand what the pain of loneliness is. I have family and friends…but…”

She tentatively lifted her head to search for his eyes in the dim. She found them, dark and distant…and waiting. Hers shone and stung with tears to be—from the intensity of his regard; from the airborne debris in the sudden gust. The sparks floating around them flared and billowed on the wind. It whipped their hair; it reanimated the once-settled charred remnants…. Watching the displaced pall subside around her still feet, she waited for the words to come.

When they did, they were frail, fraught: “You feel so far away….”

Come back to me, hung unspoken.

Recovering herself, Sakura quietly cleared her throat and took a soft step forward. She kept her tone gentle, free of judgement: “It-it breaks my heart, Sasuke-kun, seeing you...like this.”

Eyes now keen, now wary on hers, he was still panting from the exertion of forging his own inferno. Singes dotted the skin around his mouth, where he’d exhaled fire. Like hers, his inky hair was dappled. Trickles of sweat streaked through the fine layer of grey on his face, stripping away the corruption, to reveal slivers of the boy she recognized, the boy she loved. 

But as she examined the rest of him, she found myriad of scorch marks. He’d been reckless. His dominant arm hung forgotten at his side, the last vestiges of electricity convulsing through his fingers. So reckless...

She clenched the fabric of her dress; she felt her skin cool and prickle, felt the tiny hairs stand on end—like his current had somehow reached her.

Burning through your chakra like this—you could have killed yourself! You could have…

Despite the chill gripping her body, a drop of her own perspiration slid from her temple to her chin. The feeling, though slight, was enough to break her train of thought. For the briefest moment, she wondered what he saw in the vein of clarity it left on her…. She wondered if he could he see anything at all….

The droplet left her skin to disappear in the dust, and her mind centered. Somehow, she knew it was time for honesty. Somehow, she knew he needed to hear it:

“Because…you mean everything to me. Everything.”

The words had nearly caught in her throat, suspended like the ash in the sweltering air. I will not cry, she told herself. I won’t weep for him. He’s never wanted that, he never will—and he deserves more than my tears.

As tentative as it was instinctual, her hand reached out for his shoulder. Eyes flitting between his and her target, she braced for an adverse reaction upon the moment she made contact, she expected it. Though he stiffened, he didn’t swat her away or shrink back: he just stood there and allowed her featherlike touch; watching the dust settle to further mute her bright hair, questioning her with his dubious silence.

Her eyes rose from his shoulder to scrutinize the three black tomoe etched into his neck, as they so often did, and she silently cursed the Snake. Beyond the singes, the malicious, black mark was the only blemish on his body—the only visible manifestation of his suffering! Unless, of course, he set the coal of his eyes aflame…

And she’d seen the frightening power of both.

Is that what you were thinking, Sasuke-kun? ...Is that why you did this?

The fingers at the red of her collar clamped down, she moved to bite her lip again—but she stopped herself. She couldn’t give in to such a childish habit when she’d come this far, when he was listening. Determined, the verdure of her eyes returned to his.

“You don’t have to be alone, Sasuke-kun,” she spoke soothingly, careful to avoid a patronizing tone. “You’ll always have me.” As a shy smile formed around her last word, she felt blood rush to her flame-flushed cheeks. Sakura ignored the sensation and forced her lips to loosen: this wasn’t the time to give in to girlish whimsy; she’d make her body obey. She bent her elbow to step solicitously closer, close enough to smell the earthy scent she knew to be his through the miasma. One hand on him, the other on her heart, she swore: “Always.”

I love you so much…with all my heart, she thought, but I don’t think I can tell you that, not yet.

She gingerly traced his shoulder, nails collecting the fine, gritty precipitate there. She could feel the dexterity in the muscle, the power in the sinew…. And he didn’t flinch under her light touch, he didn’t avert his eyes. She moved nearer, preparing to see alarm or revulsion appear in his expression, until her forearm was flush against the length of his bicep, only a few inches of smoke separating the rest of them. She couldn't blink, she couldn't breathe for fear of dispelling the moment, her chance to reach him….

A branch snapped behind him; coils of red outlining its remaining leaves, faux fireflies swarming and twinkling in its wake. The fallen limb rippled through the powdery soot at the forest floor, sending it aloft once more.

Yet neither noticed, their senses entirely focused on the other.

Sakura was transfixed. She could see the suffering, the perpetual ache, the torment in the ink of his eyes—and it was dizzying. She’d known it was there, but she’d never seen its full extent…. She’d never seen it so close, so unconcealed. And just beneath, there was the acidic fury she’d tasted in the ashes. Tonight, his anger had burned too hot for his body to contain. The devastation around them, she realized, had been a momentary lapse in control, a flare of his temper. A mere glimmer of the roiling, lambent blaze inside him…

Hatred.

Its conflagration eclipsed the flicker of him that existed beyond loathing and vengeance—the flicker the Snake had tried to snuff out, the flicker she’d managed to sustain when his darkness burned black through his skin. She saw it so clearly then, for in that moment, he was living only for the past, only for the promise of retribution….  

But they both knew the inevitability in fire….

One tear escaped to flow down her face: she could feel desperation coming on the night.

...They’d known it long before witnessing the aftermath of his arson.

Ignoring the shriek of warning she heard in the back of her mind, she stood on pointed toes and flung her arms around him. The impact of her embrace released a plume of ash to envelop them. She pressed her face to his neck, her lithe body to his, the muck on his skin coloring hers.

“I won’t let you be alone anymore,” she promised in a murmur to his ear, eyes shut to the despair around them. “Never again.”

She waited, stunned at her own audacity.

His heart thudded into hers; his chest expanded as he inhaled. The blue-black fringe at his nape stroked her forehead. 

The last traces of tree sap crackled and bubbled in the dimming embers, crystalizing as the surviving coals waned to a low gleam….

Her eyes flew open, dilating in panic, in the umbrage: she felt the muscles in his hanging arms spasm and contract, considering motion. But she didn’t dare let go—not when he felt so close to lost.

So, eyes agape, she froze, not risking a breath….

Over his shoulder, she could see the world turn to shadow as the sun finally vanished. At last unobscured, sweet silver streamed down to mottle the earth, to temper the remaining hues of red and orange and yellow. The shimmering perigee of moonrise... The beginnings of a familiar nocturne hailed its coming: the warble of a songbird announced its proximity; insects revved and stammered, grappling toward their usual thrum; an owl called out, wistful and clear.

And then—haltingly, devoid of his usual grace—he bowed his head until his cheek rested on her hair.

Unsure if she was imagining it, afraid to dissolve the mirage, she held her gasp in her chest.

She felt the low rumble of his voice before she heard it, smoky on the clearing air:

“Sakura… Thank you…”

His breath, his words were soft on her skin…. They were warm.

So, what do you think? I'm still feeling so rusty when it comes to writing, particularly something like this…. Spent so much time second-guessing myself and nitpicking, and I really hope I got it right. Believe it or not, this actually has a Part II. PII was meant for Day 8: Flowers...but it will be a while before I get around to it! 

And a huge shout out to @thepiestperson​! Thank you for all your help with this lil' ficlet—you're a doll! Not sure when I would have finished this one without your input and encouragement. :)

My other SSM18 submissions:

☀ No content warning: Gravitation, Day 2: Side by Side

☾ Barely NSFW, then very NSFW:

Umbra, Day 11: Eclipse | The Cherry Wood Armoire, Day 31: Free

If you’re interested, you can read my other SasuSaku and ItaSaku work on FF.net.

[xoxoendohwrites]

“Just how much did you drink before coming down here??” “Sakura,” Kakashi murmured darkly, trailing his hands down her thighs as he knelt at her feet, “I’m still thirsty.”

Happy Swalloween, KakaSaku lovers! 👻🖤🎃 This is my first time contributing to the KS Fandom, though I’ve been meaning to ever since @tipsyraconteur‘s J’accuse! sucked me back in. This lovely little event—@thisisswalloween—was the perfect push, so thank you to the hosts. Hope ya'll enjoy these 5,119 unedited words of fluffy, teasing, dirty, wine-influenced, ninja-verse KS smut. 

Summary: Kakashi notices that his wife could use a little 'de-stressing' before hosting the hospital's first Halloween Benefit Gala. Good thing he has the perfect cure to what ails Konoha's new Chief of Surgery….

Read on FF.net | AO3

Jukebox: Ready for a blast from the past? ‘Cause I sure as hell wasn’t when these two gems got stuck in my head at a 🎃 party over the weekend—“Candyman” by Christina Aguilera + “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry. Lawdy, those songs came out when I was in middle school!

"Hey, quit it!" Sakura scolded, slapping the thieving hand away from the overflowing bowl. "Those are for the children, you overgrown twelve-year-old!"

Grinning like an idiot beneath his mask, Kakashi sidestepped the slap she'd aimed for the back of his head and held up his prize. Its vacuum-sealed cellophane glittered under the fluorescent lights as his other hand rose to tear it open.

Her green glare intensified, but she couldn't keep the corners of her mouth from rising with her favorite petname for the hokage: "Don't even think about it, old man. Not tonight!"

Before she could sling another insult or fist his way, he had two fingers tucked in his mask, lazily sliding along the seam. Clearly ready to take his pilfering to the next level.

Sakura stilled her eyes as they threatened to roll, instead shaking her head. "I mean it, Kakashi—not tonight!" She jabbed an accusing finger in his direction, switching the digit threateningly with each word: "Put. It. Back."

Utterly undeterred by her reprimands, Kakashi only escalated his daring heist:

He pried his mask up with those long, deadly fingers and started the gradual descent. A master of prolonging his ‘grand reveal,’ Kakashi slowly peeled it low enough to display the end of his scar, followed by his high cheekbones, that cocky grin of his, …and finally that little beauty mark—the moneymakers. Oh, but he didn't stop there. A tomcat with his canary, he smirked and began twirling the little white stick between his talented fingers, flipping his stolen goods around like one of his damned kunai.

Showoff, she thought, flattening the grin that threatened to surface at his favorite stupid party trick…and the sight of his striking face. Even now, every single time he shed that mask, she had to stop herself from melting to the floor. Instead, her hands—the ones capable of the most delicate, intricate procedures—met and cracked her knuckles, all menace. She just couldn't help herself. "Give it here, Hatake."

"Make me, Hatake," he quipped, sounding every bit the twelve-year-old.

But damn if he didn't look every inch the handsome man…. She bristled.

"Listen," Sakura warned, serious again, "you know I don't have time for your antics right now." She'd worked so hard to make this event a success, and there was still so much left to finish! Plus, neither of them were dressed! Her work outfit, sleek as it was, certainly didn't meet black-tie standards, ...and Kakashi didn’t even have his jonin vest on. "Come on, Benjamin Button! Put that back and go pretend you're interested in the hospital's finances or something."

"Make me," he echoed, fingers dancing dangerously over the perforated edge of the wrapper, crooked smirk widening to expose the gleam of a single canine.

Sakura huffed in exasperation. Kakashi had a playful streak in him—and it ran deep—but her husband was being far more obnoxious than usual tonight! Her hand landed on her hip in preparation to deliver one of her signature "You're the hokage, now act like it" speeches, but as she opened her mouth, …he sniggered.

Kakashi shrugged his shoulders theatrically and tsk-ed…at her. He nearly sang out his next taunt, "That tired tactic won't work, Sakuraaa!"

Oh, he knew just how to push her buttons.

Dammit, am I really that predictable?? She twisted the heel of her stiletto into the floor with a frustrated flush but shot a glance at the clock.

For she'd learned his pressure points just as well….

Fine, Kakashi. You asked for it….

A heartbeat later, her features and posture had softened drastically, and she slinked toward him. "You mean you'd really steal candy"—she widened her eyes and covered her heart—"…from sick children??" She gave him a scandalized gasp and clutched at her blouse, …covertly loosening a fastening or two. "Oh, Hokage-sama, I just can't believe my eyes!" She swooned for him, medical coat swishing dramatically behind her.

Sporting an obvious smirk and a devious twinkle in his eyes, he was visibly pleased to have roped her into his little game and distracted her from her duties. Yet his response came in a masterful deadpan: "Why else would I be listed in so many Bingo Books?" With that, Kakashi sank his teeth into the plastic, tore it off with a savage zeal only he could get away with, …and wrapped his lips around the bright red lollipop.

As much as she wanted to rip his smug little head off, …Sakura couldn't resist this idiot, her idiot, and he knew it. Her eyes closed as she pinched the bridge of her nose, but she didn't contain her smile. It would have been a pointless effort when he was trying so hard to get in her pants.

"Mmm…" he hummed loudly, obviously wanting her eyes back on him as his tongue went to town on the lolli behind his lips. "Oooh… Oh, Sakura! It's my favorite. You know how much I love the taste of…" he trailed off breathlessly, drawing out her torment.

Dammit. Don't say it. Don't you dare say it! she warned silently.

He smacked his lips for a sinful little pop around, "…Cherry."

Of fucking course he grabbed a cherry one! Sakura groaned inwardly, blushing redder than the candy receiving Kakashi's most…painstaking…attention. She shook her head, trying to ignore the heat flaring in her stomach. Somehow, he managed to sound so damn cheeky—pornographic, even!—despite the globe of sugar stuffed in his stupid chipmunk cheek, clinking like glass against his teeth with every stupid word. How the hell was this juvenile display turning her on—how did he always?!

She bit down on her lip.

Because when the hokage wasn't using that sharp tongue of his to taunt her with perfect deadpan sarcasm or just straight stupid little jibes, …he was using it to thoroughly tease the length of her body. …To powerful effect. She could feel the flush creeping down her neck at the thought, teeth sinking further as she considered her options.

Perhaps bribery would shut him up.

Decided on a new strategy, Sakura sauntered over, heels clicking with every sway of her hips. She pushed him down into a nearby swivel chair. Leaning in close to accentuate her mysteriously undone buttons and the dark lace their absence revealed, raking her crimson nails over his shoulder, she yanked the lollipop out of his mouth. Green eyes held grey as she gave it a long, languid lick; smirking as his gaze somehow darkened further, as his hands landed on her waist to urge her closer. But as the sweet cherry hit her taste buds, she noticed there was something a bit odd about the flavor. She gave the sucker a good suck, then gasped, actually a bit scandalized this time: There was something decidedly not kid-friendly lingering on the candy. "You!" she accused, brandishing the lollipop at him. "Did you… Did you actually pregame my fundraiser?"

"Did you actually," he asked so sweetly, so innocently, …so mockingly, "expect me to spend my evening in a tux, judge a kid's costume contest, and then verbally pickpocket Konoha's assorted lords and ladies, …all while sober?"

Dammit, he’s got me there. Sakura rubbed the irritation from her face, dragging her hand a little too forcefully down her cheek. It wasn't like she'd been planning on downing two flutes of champagne the second she approved the setup or anything…. And he'd actually shown up early—no Icha Icha in sight! Hell, he probably would have strolled in two hours late with his face buried in the book if he hadn't been painfully aware of just how important this event was to her….

"It's not just a costume contest, it's to show the donors all the children we saved in the last year—to show them exactly why they should fork over the dough for the new wing!" She sighed and shook her head, getting her head back in the game. "Listen…," she whispered on his ear, "behave like an adult for the rest of the evening, and I'll make it…"—she paused for dramatic effect, letting him soak up her sultry, breathless tone—"worth your while." She treated the lolli to a hearty, wet suck and released it with her own devilish little pop. "'Kay?"

His hands tightened around her waist. "Oh, now we're talking, Doctor," he growled, eyes crinkling with mirth.

Sakura grinned around the candy. He'd taken the bait, and she could finally go back to work.

"But," he started, his signature roguishness back in full force, "I'm afraid the answer is still a 'nope.'"

"Kaka—!"

"I think I'd rather behave… Oh, how did you put it?" Kakashi feigned confusion, raising his hand to tap thoughtfully on his sugary lips, …before turning them up an evil smile. "'Like an adult' right now, thanks."

All at once, he stood, hauled her by the ass to him, and buried his face in her hair, trailing wet kisses down her neck.

She let out trill of exasperation and slapped him away. "Kakashi, I'm serious!" she fumed, the lollipop stick bobbing rather un-seriously from her mouth.

He snorted. His heart beat solely to torment this woman he adored so much...but only when she truly needed some tormenting.

Sakura poked his chest, hard enough to both stop that heart of his and send him and his boots screeching backwards on the polished linoleum. "Enough already, I—!"

The distinct whirl of teleportation cut off her complaint.

"Oh, come on!" she growled around the sweet as they reappeared in her dim office, nearly stamping her feet. "What the hell are you—?!"

"Sakura." He silenced her with a finger to her sticky lips, his voice suddenly stern, suddenly sounding very much like a kage's. "You need to take a breath."

He pressed a little harder when her lips parted, clinking the lollipop against her clenched teeth.

Before she could object further, he’d hoisted her up on the massive Chief of Surgery's desk, smearing a line of pink sweetness down the back of her thigh, and planted his hands firmly on either side of her. He leaned down close, a few displaced files fluttering softly in the background….

Sakura shot daggers at him, pouting and grumbling around the lolli, crossing both sets of limbs, …unintentionally making her dress ride up even higher.

Part of him—the part that lived to relentlessly tease his wife—longed to point out just how much the maturity tables had turned, ...but he allowed himself only a quick elevation of the lips: He had goals, and time was never on his side.

"Show me the moronic few who are whispering about our marriage getting you ahead, and I'll staple your fucking novel of resume to their foreheads."

Sakura took in a sharp breath, lolli lolling. She hadn't even told him about the gossip.

"You're young, but you earned this promotion. And now you're going to take a few minutes to enjoy it…." He pressed in closer when she started, murmuring, "Sorry, Chief. Hokage's orders."

She bit her lip but stayed put. Perhaps he had a point, perhaps a quick makeout might be just what the doctor ordered….

But Kakashi had something a bit sweeter in mind.

Dark eyes boring so closely into hers, he grazed the flats of his nails all the way up, then back down her bare thighs, crossed so intractably tight; slow and deliberate torture, breathing hot and humid on her cheeks. He inched higher with every repetition, gradually increased the weight of his touch …until he felt her skin prickle under his, until her knees shook beneath his hands, until true desire dilated her eyes, until she sucked hard on the lollipop, until her candy-red mouth parted for a gasp, until her jaws crunched through half of that sugar crystal in retaliation, …until she finally—stubbornly—flung her limbs apart and her nails etched her need into the desk. Only then did he accept her reluctant invitation and press fully into her, wandering hands kneading the white flesh at her spread hips, the beginnings of her ass, …just beneath the lace band of her panties.

Every little thing she did sent his blood surging, rewired his circulatory system. He kissed sporadically up her neck, delighting in the rush of respiration he felt beneath his lips, and skimmed over her jawline. One hand crawled out from her dress and slid casually over her taut stomach and heaving breasts, finally reaching her neck as his lips met her chin. He ghosted upward another inch and took her candy-coated bottom lip between his teeth. He gave it a lingering lick before he carefully, thoroughly sucked the remaining sugar off, …finally releasing it with another 'Mmmm…'.

Her body reacted of its own accord, sounding a saccharine moan, splayed arms straining, jutting her spread hips into his.

Yet Kakashi retreated, holding her steady by the chin. He pressed his forehead to hers, breathing her in as he stared her down. "Do you trust me not to jeopardize your night?"

She breathed a yes.

"Then let me do this for you, baby."

She nodded infinitesimally against him and waited, anticipation coiling up her legs like hot vines.

Kakashi gave her a moment to pout and knit her brows, just a moment, before he grasped the cherry confection by the stem. Her mouth opened slightly, curiously. Leaning back just enough to take in the view, he gave the ball of sugar a twirl against her candy-dyed tongue, then carefully withdrew it from her sweet mouth. He dragged it over her bottom lip, methodically smearing the full crescent sticky-sweet. Her mouth and eyes widened at the sensation. She took in a ragged breath as Kakashi traced the globe over the arc of her cupid's bow, …as he meticulously painted her the perfect cherry kiss.

He bent back, and Sakura gazed up at him, verdant eyes so far from innocent, exhilaration and sweet longing written on her every feature. Moving just as slowly, just as deliberately, she pursed her lips together with another inviting little pop.

And he could take no more. Two hot breaths and one wicked grin later, and he replaced her lost lolli with his tongue.

Sakura snapped upward in an arc—one hand tangling roughly into his hair, the other twisting in the jonin shirt he insisted on wearing even as hokage—and demanded everything he could offer in a kiss. She yanked him down on top of her, showering her office floor in paperwork as his hands slapped against the lacquered wood with the force of his collapse. Desperate for any modicum of relief—just some damn friction!—she wound her legs around him, swallowing then overpowering his groans as he ground her into the desk. They spiraled into a mess of teeth and tongues and sweet cherry sugar, determined to savor every last trace of candy, groping blindly for zippers and buttons in the hunt for more heated skin.

Yet when a heavy thud interrupted their wild movements, both their eyes drawn to the source. The culprit was an ornate little desk clock; it was knocked on its side but still ticked away the seconds….

The concept of time hit them both like a bucket of ice water.

Shirtless and panting, Kakashi's hand stilled on his belt buckle. Damn it, what was he doing? His pants were staying on, this was her night.

Sakura, however, stiffened and disentangled herself from him, scooting back on the desk and opening her mouth for a frantic rebuttal: "Shit, the kids! We have to get changed and get back out there before they arrive!" She jolted upright and took him with her, her disheveled white-coat somehow clinging to one shoulder, the side zip of her dress revealing a gaping hole of skin.

Kakashi glanced at the sideways clock one more time. "We still have over half an hour," he drawled before hungrily dragging her back to him by the knees. Though he didn't have the time to tease her as ruthlessly as he would have liked, his stint behind the hokage desk had taught him just a thing or two about prioritizing…. "That's plenty for a little stress relief…with just enough left to get us party-ready." He wiggled his eyebrows, goading.

Yet the sincere distress on her flushed face stopped him in his tracks. That look was why he'd kidnapped her in the first place.

"I know this is your first big project as Chief, I know how important it is to show the board what you can do," Kakashi conceded, right hand skimming over her thigh, left cupping her rosy cheek. He stroked her skin as he considered his options: They could talk through her stress, …or he could obliterate it entirely with multiple orgasms. A wolfish grin landed on his face. His wife deserved the best of both worlds.

"I know this is big. But you've worked so hard for months, you've planned everything to…"—he paused to brazenly palm her sodden panties, breathing his next word in reverence—"…perfection." He groaned as her desire dampened his glove, circling her clit through the lace, thumb outlining her swollen bottom lip.

Sakura sucked it into her mouth, using his digit to stifle her own salacious little noise.

That was almost too much. "You…you have the best people on your team, you've delegated, you've—oh, fuck." He couldn't help but cut himself off. He'd slipped his hand fully into her panties, and the sensation of his fingers sliding so effortlessly against her wet folds...

She raked her teeth against his thumb, both hands wrapped around his wrist for leverage.

"Dammit, Sakura…" His cock jumped against his zipper. She was nearly dripping for him. "You want me, don't you, sweetheart?"

She nodded around his finger, writhing against him, plunging her nails into his forearm, …digging the points of her heels into his ass to draw him closer.

"Soon, princess, soon…," he murmured, trying desperately to ignore the waves of longing crashing against her seaglass eyes, the ceaseless suction of her lips…; to recall his purpose, to fucking collect himself. "Listen, you've done everything to ensure tonight will be perfect. Now you just need to sit back and watch it all unfold. But you're just strung so damn…"—he finally slid a single finger into her, nearly losing it as her body gripped him, pulled him in—"tight…." He grunted from deep in his chest, low and guttural, teasing her with shallow strokes, just to the edge of his fingerless glove. "So. Fucking. Tight." With her little moans vibrating through his left hand and his right coated in her slick lust, his words turned into a nonsensical hum on her forehead, savoring every sound as he moved inside her.

It was getting harder and harder to keep to his gameplan, to keep his reactions in check when hers were just so…. Groaning on her seal, he dug deep and found the wherewithal to go on, …in a way: "Sakura, you'll have all those bigwig donors wrapped around your little…"—he added another, reveling in her whine of his name, the sudden gush of desire on his skin—"finger…. Dammit, you're going to drown me if you get any wetter…." He bit down on the inside of his cheek, yearning for something—anything—to keep his mind off the drumming ache in his veins.

"Kakashi, …please," she pleaded, her lips dragging over his fingertip with every breathy syllable. “More.”

Hearing her beg, feeling her needy words on his skin… That did not help his cause. He closed his eyes and stilled, ignoring her muffled cry of disappointment, her insistent writhing. He breathed in. He breathed out.

When he started again, his voice was strained, tight with dogged resolve: "They'll be putty in your hands. You just need to…"—he slid in his ring finger, rasping a gravelly fuuuck this time as she bucked into his touch, scraped her nails and teeth over his skin—“…loosen up"—he hissed his lewd joke as she clenched around his fingers, both breathing raggedly now, both rocking into the other—“a bit first….” His belt buckle grated over wrist, and he realized he’d been undulating against—with—the hand he had working between her thighs, his cock hard past painful, longing to fuck her outright….

She released his thumb with a wet, frustrated whimper of please! and dropped her hands from his arm. One dove inside her dress, the other went to join his teasing fingers, trying to urge him deeper, to slide behind his wrist and stroke her clit—desperate to end the dizzying, rise-and-fall endless loop he had her on.

As he watched her fondle her breasts, as he denied her, ...Kakashi could feel his cockhead weeping for his wife. Fuck if he couldn’t do this all day… But that wasn’t an option. By some miracle, he regained his train of thought, words coming out thick: "Let me take care of you."

"God, yes! Just stop teasing me!"

Kakashi shook his head, a seductive taunt even in his refusal. He would, …but not yet. Instead, he moved slowly, making sure she took in his every movement:

Finally letting his wife’s fingers go where they pleased, Kakashi retracted both hands from her. He brought the right to his lips, not yet making contact, and let the familiar, heady scent of her desire overwhelm his senses; it made his mouth water, it clamped his free hand around the edge of the desk. Temptation parted his lips, and he slid his hand against his tongue; beginning with his slick, cotton-covered palm and ending with the tip of his wettest finger—eyes on hers all the while. He shuddered at her taste, muttering something like 'Fuck lollipops…', and sank a canine into the elastic fabric at his wrist.

Sakura was breathing hard and heavy with his display.

Only Hatake fucking Kakashi could turn taking off a single glove into a damn striptease: his teeth tugged at the fingerless thing, sliding it off inch by lazy inch, …finger by long finger. And Sakura was taking it all in, rapt as she pulled at a pebbled nipple, as she stoked the flames building behind her clit, stroke by fervent stroke…. She whined and spread her legs wider, stilettos clicking against the desk, dress already hiked up miles past indecent. Something flickered through her sight, something started to flare.

Because only Hatake fucking Kakashi could make her forget the suffocating, now-or-never weight of raking in enough cash to build the much-needed Pediatrics Wing—her first true project as Chief, her flagship, her baby, her dream ever since the war ended….

He finally dragged the last centimeter of glove off the length of his middle finger, and flung it away with a wink. Holding her eye, he gave his that finger one last lick. "Good to the last drop, sweetheart…."

Heat nearly consumed her, …nearly. He was going to kill her. Was he trying to kill her?? Her own touch had her burning up, but it wasn’t enough.

"Dammit, Kakashi! …Please!" She clamped her eyes shut in frustration and slapped both hands—one glistening, one dry—down on the desk.

He grinned. He had her right where he wanted her. But between the taste of her and his name on her lips, …he knew he had to keep his hands to himself for this next part. If he didn't, he'd never be able say what he needed to say. He drew in another steadying breath of air.

"Look at me, Sakura," he said softly, waiting until she did as he instructed. "You're ready for this. You've earned this. You helped revolutionize this hospital and transform it into the most sought-after in the great villages! You were the youngest, most effective Chief of Neuro Konoha has ever seen, and now…!" He groaned, more from the swelling in his chest than in his pants. "Sweetheart, just look at you: You're the youngest Chief of Surgery…probably anywhere, probably ever? Sakura, you amaze me."

Kakashi so rarely spoke like this, and it took her breath away. A different sort of heat welled up in her, soft and warm. He sounds just like he did when he proposed…. Sakura was suddenly keenly aware of her pulse, the pounding of her heart.

Kakashi could tell his peptalk was working. He could see her muscles loosen; he could sense her becoming more herself, blooming at honesty in his words. Encouraged, he continued: "Not to mention that you were trained and hand-selected by the best medical nin in the world, and then you surpassed even Lad—"

"So help me, Kakashi…!" Sakura cut him off with a breathless laugh. "If you say another woman's name—even my shishou's—while you've got me like this…!" She threw her arms out over the disaster that had once been her perfectly organized desk, then gestured at the bulge he was surreptitiously grinding against her leg.

Her husband only grinned lazily, innocently, …just waiting for it to hit her.

Realization and fresh indignation dawned on Sakura, but humor won out: "Poor thing…," she cooed, frowning with faux sympathy. "You must really believe I've got some student-teacher kink, huh?" She flicked his ear, tone hardening: "Now quit imagining a threeway, you old perv, and go back to my peptalk! It was working until you ruined it…."

"Fine, fine. I'll keep my fantasies to myself." He gave a hearty chuckle and an impish wiggle of his brows. "But remind me: who here has punched a demigod-alien-witch in the face?"

Sakura let out a belly laugh at that, arms barely keeping her sitting up. Her obnoxious, pervy old man…! She felt like she'd just shaken off a layer of rust in that fit of laughter. She felt truly light for the first time since the mad countdown to the gala started…two weeks ago. "J-just how much did you drink before coming down here?" she gasped through giggles.

"Sakura," he murmured darkly, running his hands down her thighs as he knelt at her dangling feet, "I'm still thirsty."

Her jaw fell with another moan of his name, levity forgotten. She felt his words in a deep twist of lust and fell back on the desk with a leaden thud, …but she glanced at the toppled clock.

He hauled her to the edge of the desk. "Let me do this for you, baby," he implored once more, kissing the inside of her knee, lips gliding upward with every word, "I'll make it quick this time, I promise."

Once Sakura nodded, he wasted no more time. He’d strung this out long enough. For both of them.

He yanked her panties down, now stretched flimsy and useless, and draped her milky legs around his shoulders. Exploiting his wife’s considerable flexibility, he looped his arms under her thighs and spread her wide for every one of his greedy senses to devour. He heard her whimper with his hot breath on her, his mouth so close to where she needed it. Groaning as the points of her heels scratched into his skin, as her fingers fisted his in hair, he bypassed any semblance of teasing and finally got the taste he'd sought after so fervently, sealing his lips to her little pearl.

Sakura arched into him like the black cats of the season, mewling with claws tangled in silver hair—still so close from his…peptalk. "Yes, 'Kashi, yes," she encouraged, breathless.

It was music to his ears as she quivered beneath him, as he gently lapped and sucked at her little bud. With the sounds of his own pleasure rumbling into her bundle of nerves, he had her stretched taut, ready to spring. Just one little push…

"I need you inside me again, please—fuck!"

He did as she commanded, and with just a slip of his fingers, he had her crumbling in his arms, stroking that one little spot in time with his tongue on her clit.

“Mmnnnh…! Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t—!”

She released his hair the second before her every neuron went haywire, before every muscle in her body convulsed, and mercifully unleashed her death-grip on the rim of the desk instead.

“Kakashi!”

His shoulder blades, however, were not spared the wrath of her heels as her orgasm shook through her limbs. Yet the sting only compounded his sensation overload, bathing him in the intoxication of giving. He held her thrashing hips down, lightening the pressure of his wet caresses but not stopping until he’d given all she could take, until he’d had every shuddering breath from her lungs, until she'd ridden out every second of her high….

Finally, Sakura sank back onto the desk, utterly robbed of breath, bones, and words.

Finally, Kakashi allowed himself a shaky inhale of his own, the beautiful blend of extreme satisfaction…and his own untended need whorling inside him. He licked his lips. Because he wasn’t done—far from it: He loved having her like this, knowing he could bring her to edge over and over; basking in the scent, the taste of her need for him….

And now that he'd given his wife a little relief after all his torture, he decided he would savor her in the style he preferred: leisurely, unhurried, …self-indulgent. He reclaimed his hand—Sakura’s sated sigh jolting all the way through him, reveling in her shine on his fingers—and opened her for his mouth again. He roamed sedately over her clit and across her rosebud folds; each movement of his tongue on her body, each sound she made singing and singeing through him…. At last, he came to her entrance, lapping up her desire from the inside, drinking her in like it was the first time.

He could feel her winding up again, her heels pressing harder into his shoulders, her pants turning into gasps, the sting in his roots as she spun silver, …the subsequent pounding in his cock. Rumbling with anticipation, he let his thumb drag over her clit once, twice, …and she was gone, snapping like a bow string. And he was ready for her, greedily swallowing her pleasure as she pulsed around his tongue, whining his name like it was the only word she knew.

He’d never know a more beautiful sound.

Once she stilled, he came up for air and rested his head on her quivering thigh, panting with her as she came down, watching her flushed breasts rise and fall. He caught his breath far before she did and trailed his wet lips along both her thighs, stroking a hand over her rumpled dress as her body became reacquainted with gravity, knowing she'd be hypersensitive after her second. When her breathing ultimately evened out, he unwrapped her legs from his neck with a final kiss before feeling around for some discarded article of clothing to dry his face.

Not his mask, …preferably.

"Ready to go fund that new hospital wing, princess?" he called out, patting his chin with his jonin-issue shirt, …silently ordering his cock to settle down. He’d gotten the gratification he needed, the rest would keep ‘til later.

"Almost," she murmured to the lamp by her face. "But first…," her voice grew louder as she lifted her head, "get your ass up here, Hatake."

His eyebrow quirked in question, but he only dabbed at his chin with dark cotton, back to using her thigh as pillow.

She sat up straight, every exposed inch of her skin dewy and flushed to compliment the color of her mussed sex-hair. "I said, get up here," she smirked, crooking a finger at him, nudging him with a heel. "I'm not going to let the hokage walk around my gala with a massive tent in his tuxedo."

Kakashi only shrugged from between her legs and went back to circling a finger around her clit, rather indifferent to the prospect of sporting a hard-on in front of the Land of Fire’s upper crust. Besides, his body would cooperate soon enough.

Sakura slapped the sole remaining folder off the huge desk. "See? Now there's plenty of room for two…." She smiled a satisfied, feline grin, purring her indecent invitation, "Maybe even…sixty-nine?"

Dammit. She sounded just like her husband….

As much as a third and final peak appealed to her, she also knew this would be the quickest way to gain her husband’s acquiescence.

Kakashi grinned wide, undaunted by the recharged pulsing in his cock, and drawled his reply, "We've only got fifteen minutes before this thing starts. Shouldn't you be getting dressed?" He nuzzled her leg and waggled a gloveless finger at her, ever teasing.

But his tongue flicked out to lick his lips, and Sakura knew she had him.

"And you think they wouldn't wait another five for the Hokage and the Chief?”

Evidently, his treatment for stress had worked even better than he'd hoped. He could have leapt into the air and clicked his heels together.

“After all, you had some very…”—eyes half lidded and fully satisfied, Sakura pretended to consider her words—“important business to take care of. Besides…" It was her turn for twinkling eyes and ravenous, knowing smiles. "Your wife wants a little taste of you." She flipped up on the desk, stealing his leg-pillow, arched her back, and shimmied out of her once-professional dress, all sex-kitten grace. She posed seductively for him, her head casually propped up on twined fingers, ankles crossed, heels and ass pointed toward the ceiling.

Her husband didn't hold back his leering eye-fuck. All she had on was her afterglow and a sheer black bra, her rosy hair all perfectly askew….

Then Sakura patted the wide swath of desk, scarlet nails tapping lightly on the wood.

How could he deny her when she’d asked so sweetly? His boots, pants, and boxer briefs flew off in a fit of kage-speed, but, once naked, he slammed on the brakes. Surely he had a few more seconds of teasing left in him, just a few…. Smirking down at her, Kakashi swaggered back over to the desk: his broad shoulders leading, the scarred x on his chest contouring his movements; his thick cock jutting out from his rigid stomach, giving an appetizing little jump with each deliberate step; watching her sated expression turn hungry all over again.

Once he got within arm's reach, however, his wife snatched up his hand and had him pinned beneath her in perfect 69 form—all before he could utter a single word of sarcasm. She grinned at the little ooof that left his lungs, but that was it. She had neither the patience nor the time to give him a taste of his own medicine. Besides, there was only one taste on her mind, and it was just a lick away….

And fuck lollipops!

He hissed as her lips reached his cock, as she kissed away the liquid beads on his thick head, as her tongue darted out to catch a dribble…before tracing the trail back to the source.

“Oh, fuuuuck…” His voice came out strangled, his neck arched from the desk when her tongue slid along his slit, when her talented hand began to wring him slowly. “Yes, Sakura, yes…” He was not going to last long, but that notion was far from troubling.

As she moaned on his shaft in return, he realized he must have closed his eyes the second her maddening mouth touched him. He flung them open to see his wife’s ass bobbing tantalizingly overhead as her hot tongue slid along the ridge of his head a second before her lips closed around him with sweet suction. His hands shot up to drown out his desperate groan with a smack across each pert cheek. Her excited moan rattling straight to his balls. Lips spread wide, she sank lower on his cock. His breath caught in his chest when she let her teeth graze so lightly over his throbbing shaft, leaving a trail of searing sparks in her wake. Fuck, it hurt so good.

“Nnnnn… Just like that, just like that…”

Kakashi was having trouble remembering the point of a 69. Hell, he was having trouble noticing anything but the sweet, sweet relief he was finally receiving after being so hard for so long. It was all he could do just keeping his hips still. So he laid there grunting wordlessly like a caveman, mindlessly kneading his wife’s ass while she sucked him hard….

But a little stiletto poke to his ear quickly resolved that.

“Oh, fuck—sorry!”

He was many things but a pillowprincess was not one of them. He pulled her back by the hips so he could reach her, determined to send one more endorphin rush through her system, …to taste the aphrodisiac of her orgasm one last time before his own—his thirst for her truly unquenchable. She cried out around his cock as he locked his lips to her clit, sucking and humming and spiraling. Thrusting lightly into her mouth, his fingers gripped her toned ass like a lifeline, guiding her undulations as she rode his tongue.

They lasted all of three minutes: Sakura fell first, sending Kakashi plummeting over the edge of sanity as she cried out her gratification around his cock. Head thrashing to the side, he pounded a fist on the desk with a shattered groan of her name, muscles spasming to pump out his pleasure, …spurt after long spurt. Greedy as her husband, Sakura drank him in, throat and tongue welcoming the evidence of his blinding release. She held him gently in her mouth as he came down, hard abdominals still twitching beneath her.

Finally, she slid off him to her stomach, catching a lone trickle on her thumb, and sucked it off with a final little pop.

Kage and Chief laid there a moment, head to feet, sprawled and panting on that desk, …as wrecked as Sakura's freshly-inaugurated office.

“You do have your tux, right?” she asked his foot.

“Mmhhhm. Hanging with your dress on the door.”

"We really ought to move now," she muttered, unmoving.

"You first," Kakashi retorted lazily and gave her ass a slap of encouragement, not even bothering to open his eyes…or to remove his hand.

She laughed, yet she still didn't move. “I’m sure Shizune will cover for us. She’ll just say we’re on a call that couldn’t wait and have the staff bring in a round of champagne for the adults…. Maybe a sugar rush for the kids...” She yawned, ruffling a few disheveled, pink tendrils; she curled her arms under her face. “And if we’re only a few minutes late, no one should make a fuss….”

“Mmmhhm,” he agreed, caught between overwhelming pride in his good work…and the sleepy siren song of oxytocin.

With that, a sated, stress-free silence sank in the humid air….

Sakura broke the spell:

“Hey, ‘Kashi, can you undo the straps on my shoes?” she murmured to her elbow, wiggling the heel nearest his head. She hadn’t noticed before, but now she longed to stretch her toes and calves.

He rolled to his side, kissed both her ankles, and released the heels to thump to the floor.

But another noise piqued their shinobi ears.

It sounded like crackling, …like peeling? Like tape or some other adhesive slowly becoming…un-stuck? They pushed up in one motion, four suspicious eyes combing every wall, every corner….

It wasn’t her shoes—that didn’t add up—and they sensed no other presence. So… What. The. Hell?

A little vrrrp brought Kakashi's eyes upward just in time to witness it fall from the sky.

Still on her stomach, Sakura’s neck pivoted right as the long-forgotten thing landed…right next to her husband’s thoroughly satisfied cock.

For a moment, neither of them said a word, merely gaping.

Sakura’s incredulous whisper broke the silence: "Is that the…?" Realization dawned on her once again, and a strangled laugh erupted from her lungs; pure, lighthearted glee quickly overtook the confusion on her beautiful face. “Oh, my god! You-you just… You just threw it??” she wheezed, slapping a fist down on her desk as tears welled up in her jade eyes, …blurring her view of the half-eat cherry. “To the damned ceiling?!” She managed to drag herself to his chest to laugh directly in his unamused face. "Did you…did you plan this, too?!"

"If it had fallen there when I was still hard, maybe…,” Kakashi sulked, sticking his bottom lip out in a perfect, practiced pout while his evil wife cackled at and on him. “A man has his priorities, Sakura,” he sniffed, winding a reluctant arm around her heaving shoulders, …staring despondently at the tiny pink smudge on the acoustic tile overhead. “The trajectory of a piece of candy does not top the list when a man has his wife spread out on her desk like a page from Icha Icha!” He reached an even more reluctant hand down to pluck the sticky lolli off his silvery happy trail, grimacing as the molten candy goo tugged unpleasantly at still-sensitized area. “Owww…”

Sakura could no longer breathe properly, so overwhelmed with merriment was she.

Kakashi’s lip stuck out further. How quickly this wife of his had gone from begging him for release, wantonly whining his name over and over through the waves of pleasure he crashed down on her…to nearly howling in diabolical delight. Grumbling, and with more force than necessary, Kakashi flung the rejected lollipop into the metal trashbin somewhere on the opposite side of the desk; it hit with a resounding thunk—which, of course, only amplified the giggles in his ear.

But he knew how to put a lid on that….

Grumbling no more, Kakashi hauled his breathless wife on top of him. His hands wove into her tangled hair as he pulled her lips to his, quickly slipping his is tongue into her mouth before she could let out another laugh. Her mirth melted into a hum as he kissed her slowly, thoroughly: letting her taste the remnants of her sweet pleasure as he tasted his, …reminding her exactly how that damned cherry lollipop had ended up on the ceiling….

Omg. I truly have ZERO shame. Also, this was supposed to be quickie but it turned a two-night marathon speedwrite. Story of my lifeeee. Alsoo I totally ran out of time, and you can probs tell where I started checking the clock.... ;) But it’s now past 11, and I am SO late for this Halloween party. I swear I'll go back and round out the ending / actually read it through and edit tomorrow! But for now… Please let me know if you liked it! Feedback is so helpful for writing. 💙 And as much as I love these two, I've never written KakaSaku before! Should I do more KS? Should I just keep to my lane and stick to my other Sakura pairings?? sfjlsdfjldskf 🙈 I hope you at least got a kick out of it, but if you didn't...let's just blame it on my thirst…for wine. 😅🍷

PS: Threw in a few "princesses" 'cause I got a random anon ask for that soooo, voila!

💋🍭🍒 11/06/18 UPDATE! 💋🍭🍒 

So juuust under a week after Halloween, I finally had the time to go back and finish this thing right. It only took another 2,000 words.... 😂 Sorry about that! Was not my best work, but I was feeling festive so I rushed to have it out by the 31st. Write tipsy, edit sober, amiright?

[xoxoendoh]

A Prickly Pair

Prompt: Temari Week / Month 2018, Day 1: Hourglass ⏳ (Sorry I’m late!)

Summary: Shika tries his damnedest to ensure Tema’s first birthday they spend together is perfect…but life has a way of turning the best intentions upside-down. ;) Ninja-verse + all the Naruto crew!

Also, if my god-awful 🌵 pun of a title didn't give it away, lemme just say this: prepare yourself for a long fic with major fluff and cracky humor! 

Rating: T; colorful language, birthday booze, some suggestive themes 😏 There are two f-bombs—two!—but they are well-deserved, so I'm leaving this fic as T.

Soundtrack: “Magic in the Hamptons” by Social House (ft. Lil Yachty)—it's so damn catchy!

Also: Hanakotoba is the art of conveying messages / sentiments through flowers. For example, you might send yellow camellias to a SO who's been away on business as a way of conveying "longing." 💐

Read on FF.net here + this will have a Part II / continuation...soon-ish!

Shikamaru knew he was in trouble. One way or another, he knew he was going to have his ass handed to him. As that notion wasn’t exactly incentivizing, ...his lazy ass had procrastinated: now he had one day.

“What a drag…” He pinched the bridge of his nose, both elbows resting on his thighs.

If there was one thing he knew about the other troublesome women in his life—his mother, Ino, Sakura, even the Godaime—it was that their birthdays might as well have been national holidays.

But if he did what his troublesome woman claimed she wanted, he’d literally be doing nothing. For her birthday.

When he’d seen Temari last month, he had manned the hell up. He’d gritted his teeth, grumbled out of the corner of his mouth, and eventually inquired about her looming birthday. Her response, of course, had been less than helpful. She’d crossed her arms in a huff and flicked her blonde head in the opposite direction. He couldn’t see her face, but he heard her loud and clear: “Shikamaru, you idiot. It’s just a birthday. Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay?”

Easier said than done, you impossible woman! he thought, shaking his head.

Because what if she was just saying that? What if she wanted the whole dog and pony show and he was just supposed to know? What if she was playing at one of those stupid female mind games?

Even worse, this wasn’t just any birthday. Oh, no. Of course not!

This year, she’d be stuck in Konoha for the next Chunin Exams planning conference—far away from her family and working on official Suna business. On top of that, this would be their first ‘big event’ or ‘anniversary’ or ‘milestone’—or whatever the hell it was birthdays actually were!—since they became a couple. It had only been three months since they’d made it official, …and that feat had been a special sort of excruciating in itself.

At the memory, Shikamaru face-planted into his folded arms, a feeble effort to hide from the lingering embarrassment. Taking her off the market should’ve been the hardest part! How the hell was he supposed to know it only got more confusing from there?

Because what if she really wasn’t big on birthdays? What if he wrecked it by going all out? Did she want it to be just the two of them? Did she want to pretend birthdays didn’t exist?

“Damn it, I’m hopeless with this stuff…” he grumbled into his elbow, before letting out a long groan. “I’m so screwed, I should have just sent word to her brothers and asked!” He felt a drop of sweat bead under his ear and trickle down.

Too late for that now, genius.

But he was a genius, and there had to be a way to not screw this up! He couldn’t afford to, not so early on in the relationship, not when he didn’t have enough—or any—romantic capital stockpiled to make up for it! But no matter how many different scenarios he ran through, they all played out the same way—painfully. He could see it all so clearly:

Temari backhanding him into next week. Temari grabbing him by the collar and chucking him out a window. Temari launching him airborne with a single swish of her fan. Temari summoning Kamatari to bite his ear off.

Damn, his girlfriend was scary. The thought made his frown falter….

That huffy little pout. The way her blonde pigtails bounced when she stomped over to him, her little hands twitching and ready to slap some sense into him. Her eyes getting that scary teal-fire glow…

He sighed and shook his head, utterly defeated.

Damn her, he thought, grinning despite himself. She’s beautiful even when she wants to wring my neck. He sat up to look across the Nara land, noting the sun’s angle in the melting sky.

If he was going to get his teeth kicked in no matter what he did, he might as well try to do something nice for his girl, …right? He seized the moment of motivation, forming an oval with his fingers, and closed his eyes.

Take her at her word and just find a happy medium! he ordered his brain. Surprisingly, the conclusion came to him a moment later: Dinner with the crew. No one hates a dinner party, and everyone loves her. Done. Easy.

Shikamaru let out a satisfied yawn and crossed his arms, pleased to have settled the matter.

Hold up, genius. Her birthday present!

His hands flew back together.

Damn it, jewelry?

No, he’d never seen Temari wear any, and jewelry would probably breach her “big deal” rule.

Chocolate?

No, they were going to a dinner party. Food on food would be stupid, right?

What do you want, woman?? he wondered bleakly. This is worse than getting Naruto and Hinata’s wedding present! He’d be willing to shell out whatever it took if she would just like what he got her….

Losing the iota of motivation he’d mustered, he lowered his head in another trademarked Shika-sigh.

Times like these, he wished Asuma were still around.

He wished the same for his dad, of course…but Shikaku would have just shrugged noncommittally and told him to ask his mother, anyways. He’d already tried that. His mom, however, had been no help at all. All she’d done was gush about how ‘talented’ and ‘lovely’ Temari was until he’d fled the damn house! Like he needed reminding...

But Asuma…

Well, he would have loved Temari, too. But he would’ve had at least something helpful to offer!

Who am I kidding? Shikamaru couldn’t help the chuckle he felt in his chest. Like Asuma had any moves, anyway! Kurenai-sensei just took pity on the guy. He’d just tell me to get Temari flowers, like it was that simple.

Shikamaru sat up straight, struck by the sheer simplicity of it. Maybe it was that easy, maybe Asuma had it right! Flowers wouldn’t be too flashy or too much of “a big deal” or whatever Temari had called it.

Alright, Dad, Asuma-sensei..., he thought with a faint smile, standing to shrug his hands into his pockets. Let’s see if that famous ‘Ino-Shika-Cho teamwork’ can conquer this.

Game-face on, he trudged his way to the Yamanaka Flower Shop.

If he had thought he’d be prepared for Ino’s excitement, he’d have been dead wrong. Of course, he knew Ino better than that.

“So, uh, do you have any, uh…” he trailed off, unable to look her in the eye, feeling his entire body go tomato-red. Clearing his throat, he tried again, but every word combined into one: “DoyouhaveanyflowersfromSuna?”

Somehow, she deciphered the question he’d asked his feet.

“Shikamaru!” she screamed. “I have been waiting for you to drag your lazy ass in here and get her something! You really know how to wait until the last minute, huh?”

He could hear the haughty smirk in her voice.

“But really, Shikamaru, it’s so sweet!” She sighed dreamily. “You and Temari are perfect together…. And flowers from her home country…”

He looked up just in time to see her eyes glassing over as she clutched at her heart.

“Of course we’ll help you!” Abruptly, the honey left her voice and she traded her doe-eyes for her signature scowl. “Right, Choji?” she growled, smacking Choji’s hand as he reached for the last morsel in her bento,

“Y-yeah, Shikamaru!” he piped up, his red hand floundering until it landed on the back of his neck. “We’ve got your back, bud. You know we love Temari.”

Shikamaru felt relief surge through his system: these two would always save his ass.

Not wasting any time, Ino leapt over the counter, apron strings trailing behind her, and bodily dragged Shikamaru after her. Ignoring his grousing, she wound them through the rows of greenery and fragrant blooms until they reached a partitioned-off portion she called “The Suna Section!!”

“We actually have a pretty good variety of desert plants,” she declared proudly, sweeping a hand out before four tables overflowing with vegetation.

As Shikamaru bent his knees and gaped at the selection, his teammate prattled on, getting more excited with every question:

“So what else are you going to do for her birthday? It’s tomorrow, right? When does she arrive?”

Shikamaru knew she needed answers, but all he could do was gawk at the array of…things…in front of him. There were some squat little plants with ungainly, fat leaves…but they were kinda pretty in their own way: the stupid little leaves fanned out like petals, and they came in purple or a greeny-blue. Above those, he was pretty sure he recognized aloe stalks. Then there were a series of lethal- and ugly-looking things—the sort of things Shikamaru was positive would end up impaling him if he dared to present them to Temari. Spiky barbs, serrated leaves, deceptively plushy-looking fluff guaranteed to needle under the skin… There was nothing even remotely attractive about them….

“Helloooo? Shikamaru?” Ino flicked his ear. “Don’t ignore me when I’m trying to save your ass! What are your plans for Temari??”

“Oh,” he jerked his head up to face her. “Uhh…”

Her hands were on her hips, and he’d learned long ago that was never a good sign.

Laughing nervously, he rose. “Heh, I was kinda, ya know, hoping you’d help with that, too, Ino....”

Exasperated, she groaned. “Ugh, remind me to kill you later.”

Waving his hands in placation, he tried, “But you’re so good at this sort of thing!”

She got that creepy feline grin on her face again—the one that meant she saw through his lame ploy, the one that meant she was plotting—and gave him a wink.

“Fine, I’ll bide my time,” she conceded with an innocent smile. “But watch your back, ‘kay?”

Shikamaru shrugged and rubbed at his neck. He’d worry about her vengeance after he solved the birthday equation.

“Yeah, yeah. So anyway, Temari told me not to make a big deal out of it, but I figure I can’t do nothing.”

“Damn straight, Shikamaru.” Ino nodded sagely. “Damn. Straight.”

“So I was thinking just a simple dinner with the usual group…?”

“That’s perfect!” she squealed.

Shikamaru sighed, grateful for Ino’s stamp of approval.

“Casual and low pressure, but it shows that you thought about it and planned ahead. Well...,” Ino paused to throw him a glare, “that you should have planned ahead—but whatever!”

Ino turned on her heel, clearly satisfied with the intel she’d gleaned.

“W-wait! Ino!” Shikamaru had never sounded so desperate in his life. “Hey, c’mon! Don’t leave me with the plants!”

“Oh, calm down,” she smirked from over her shoulder. “Look them over, read the little descriptions, and just choose one you think she’d like! But actually read the tags, Shikamaru. ‘Cause some flowers have special meanings…and some species are poisonous!”

“Poisonous??”

He gaped at her.

Ino giggled at his appalled expression. She was enjoying his pain. So much.

She’d started out the night as his second favorite blonde…but Naruto had just made the leap up to silver.

“You’re a ninja, you can handle a few thorns! …And it’s not like the poisonous ones are fatal or anything.” With that, she was off, sliding open the screen and skipping through the rows and rows of flowers. “Oh, Chooooji!” she sang for the whole shop to hear. “We’re going to make Shikamaru look real good for his girlfriend! You’re in charge of the dinner reservations, and Sai and I will call everyone to get them on board.” She clapped her hands together like she’d never been so delighted in her life.

“How about that place with the little courtyard in the back? Best barbecue pork in town, great for a party!” he heard Choji offer.

Were they inviting all of Konoha to this thing, or were they just aiming for death by embarrassment?

“Oh, perfect! You’re their best customer, they’d totally pull some last-minute strings for you!”

Shikamaru could almost hear her bouncing in excitement. So maybe she was still his second favorite blonde, but did she have to be so loud?

“Shikamaru,” she called on cue, “we’re off to go plan your girlfriend’s party! Just leave the cash on the counter once you decide, my mom will be down in a bit to close up!”

Shikamaru grimaced as the door slammed. Choji wouldn’t let him down, and Ino was undoubtedly his savior…but he didn’t know a damn thing about plants. He didn’t want to know a damn thing about plants. Griping to himself, he knelt before the green things, cautiously shifting a few pots out of the way to see the full assortment, …waiting for a scorpion or something to lunge at him.

“Pick a plant, pick a plant…,” he droned miserably to himself.

Something not-hideous at the back caught his eye. As he reached toward it, the mesh of his sleeve dragged against some spikes. Glancing down at the culprit, he realized it was a furious-looking—yet somehow beautiful—cactus. Complete with a single, white bloom of multilayered petals, it looked rather like someone had glued a lotus to some wild desert thing. The more he looked at it, the wider his grin grew. It was just like Temari—as gorgeous as it was troublesome—and it was like it had chosen him! As he tried to disentangle himself without catching the spines of any other friendly Suna flora, he knocked over the small ‘Hanakotoba’ card in front of it.

My bad, Yamanakas. Like he was going to risk life and limb to pick up a scrap of paper!

But as he rotated his arm to dislodge the thorns from his shirt, he nicked his wrist.

“Damn,” he muttered, finally succeeding in freeing himself. It wasn’t a grumble this time: “Oh, shit!” Is this one of the poisonous ones?!

He extracted the cactus from the deathtrap of a display and snatched up the description tag staked near its base, frantically scanning for the mention of ‘poisonous’ or ‘toxic.’ Thankfully, it just said ‘See reverse for Hanakotoba Symbolism: Saboten’ and listed the care and lighting instructions. Relieved, he backed away with his hard-fought prize.

“’Symbolism’?” he scoffed, tucking the tag back into the pot. “Pffft. Like Temari cares about that!”

Mission completed, he marched triumphantly to the cash register, slammed the appropriate bills down on the counter, tore off several feet too many of red cellophane wrapping, and vowed never to set foot in the “Suna Section!!” again. 

Temari was all the desert he needed.

–

Temari’s birthday evening was off to a solid start. She’d arrived safely and seemed genuinely pleased with the dinner party idea.

“So you do pay attention every now and then, huh?” she’d purred, smirking at him. Then her lips had softened. More quietly, she’d said, “It’s just what I wanted. A nice evening with my friends and my idiot boyfriend.” She’d kissed his cheek then.

Blood rushed to his face, pride swelled up in his chest: he hadn’t let her down.

Not yet, at least.

But as he went down the ‘gentleman boyfriend checklist’—a set of rules Ino had long ago hammered into her male teammates’ heads—things seemed to keep going smoothly.

They’d parted ways so she could settle in and clean up after her long trek. He’d meticulously mummified her present in that red florist wrap. And he’d done it in a way that would preserve the flower at the top, protect the recipient from the spines, and lead to easy unveiling. Then he’d shown up on time and remembered to bring the stupid plant, just like Ino had instructed. He was actually feeling pretty proud of himself….

And when she exited her hotel, he’d managed to compliment her with a straight face—no fumbling for words or blushing or inappropriate glances!

“You look amazing, Temari.”

It had been no easy feat, however. Seeing her there in the soft glow of the streetlamps… She’d gotten all dolled up in a jade sundress, simple but stunning against her eyes and sun-kissed skin, clinging to the perfect hourglass of her body.

“And you clean up pretty nice yourself, kid,” she retorted, clearly hoping the jab to his sternum would distract him from her rosy cheeks.

It didn’t.

“Glad you didn’t wear a tie, though, or I’d be underdressed!”

Her dark eyes spotted the bright package resting in the crook of his elbow. She quirked an eyebrow and couldn’t quite keep that half-smile of hers from surfacing.

Her voice dripped of sarcasm as she pointed at it: “Should I be scared?”

“Yes,” he said smugly before offering her his arm, like a gentleman.

Hand in hand, they started off for the restaurant. For once in his life, he stood up straight, rolling his usually-slouched shoulders back. He was escorting a bombshell to dinner, so he should at least try to look the part, right?

Halfway to the restaurant, the wind picked up. Shikamaru mentally crossed ‘chivalry’ off his checklist and shrugged off his blazer to drape over her shoulders. She blushed prettily up at him with a sweet smile on her lips.

Keep it up, Shikamaru, he told himself, grinning down at her, and you might just live to see tomorrow!

At last, that lingering sense of dread was fading, and contentment rose to take its place: if there was something he hadn’t thought of, he was sure Ino and Choji had.

When they walked through the courtyard gate, they were greeted with woops and calls of Happy birthday! Temari squeezed his hand and beamed up at him.

Ino rushed over, towing Sai along by the hand, and kissed Temari on both cheeks. “Happy birthday, Temari! You look beautiful—teal is definitely your color.” Not waiting for a response, she snatched the birthday cactus, wrapped shiny and red, from Shikamaru’s hands and transferred it to Sai, who accepted it with a pleasant smile. “We’ll put this with the others. Now, come on and get something to eat!”

“Okay?” was all Temari had time to manage as Ino dragged her off.

As he and Sai followed Ino under the string lanterns, Shikamaru noted his team’s handiwork.

Choji had been right to choose this venue; it was perfect for a private party: the stars were shining, the moon was bright in the sky, the spread was mouthwatering, the barbecue tables allowed for easy mingling and warmed the cool night air. And the turnout was impeccable, considering the literal last minute notice of it all. Everyonewas there. Then again, he knew better than most just how difficult it was to refuse Ino. No doubt, she had personally corralled any stragglers.

“Shall we get a beer, genius?” Sai offered mildly, placing the cactus with the other gifts.

“Beer?” Shikamaru questioned and followed along. He was no longer fazed by Sai’s odd nicknames, but��beer piqued his interest. Temari won’t mind, right? Nobody will go too crazy, …right?

On cue, Kiba and Choji appeared, frothing cups in hand, and regaled him with the tale of their labors:

Like mushers with a sled dog, they’d actually strapped a keg of beer to Akamaru, transformed it to look like a crate of sparkling cider, and casually hauled it through the streets. Clever, convenient, and a party trick in itself—Shikamaru approved, giving them sequential high-fives before raising a glass to his girl across the courtyard.

Ino had led her to a yakitori table, and she was immediately surrounded by some of the world’s finest kunoichis. Hinata and Sakura brought over the grilling meat, Karui—who must have been in town for the conference, too—took care of the veggies, and Tenten delivered the all-important beer. Assorted plates of barbecue fodder and plastic cups before them, they were more than prepared to catch up, drink up, and chow down.

Over the foam of his beer, he couldn’t help but appreciate how she was swimming in the blazer he’d draped over her shoulders.

She gave him a little wave, and that was all the permission he needed to take a hefty swig. Kiba and Choji were the true geniuses, he decided. But it wasn’t just Team 10 and Kiba’s keg: despite the last-second notice, everyone had gone all out for his girl. Thanks to them, this was going better than he could have hoped.

As Temari was chatting with her girlfriends, Shikamaru walked with the beer smugglers towards the central fire pit, where Naruto, Shino, and Lee had set up camp.

“Shikamaru, Sai,” Choji sniggered, pausing before they got into earshot of the others, beckoning them closer conspiratorially. “So we’ve got this thing going.”

“Oooh, I forgot!” Kiba butted in, barking out a laugh. “It’s brilliant.”

“We’re calling it ‘Did You Hear Naruto Got Married?’: The Drinking Game.’”

It was Shikamaru’s turn to snicker. Oh, this was going to be good.

“So every time Naruto says something about Hinata or being married or in love or whatever,” Kiba explained, “you have to take a swig.”

“I like games,” Sai agreed happily.

“Everytime,” Kiba emphasized seriously. “Them’s the rules.”

Any idiot could see this was going to go sideways and fast, but Shikamaru just shook his head and let a stupid grin fall on his face.

–

And sure enough, they all would’ve gotten hammered off Naruto’s marital bliss…if Sai hadn’t eventually asked why Naruto himself wasn’t drinking every time the blonde started mooning over his wife. But as it stood, they were all pleasantly buzzed. Naruto—who was somehow closer to plastered than those actually playing the drinking game—had almost fallen out of his cushioned patio chair when Sai had burst the bubble. Lee had a proposed a toast to “YOOOOUTH…ful love!” and even Shino had chuckled behind his turtleneck.

I’ll have to thank Sai later, Shikamaru thought, chuckling to himself. Could’ve gotten troublesome otherwise.

From there, Shikamaru was content to slowly sip his drink and just enjoy the company. He could see Temari was enjoying herself, she didn’t need him attached to her hip. So he watched the evening play out from his overstuffed armchair, foot occasionally tapping to the summery, chill tunes Lee had put on. Lee, he noted, had really good taste in music.

Two beers later, the mountain of barbecue fare had diminished, the groups had dispersed and mixed, Tenten had changed her camera’s memory card at least twice, and everyone had paid their respects to the guest of honor.

By the time Naruto brought him another sudsy cup, Shikamaru looked up to find his girl standing before him, hands on hips, an eyebrow arched expectantly.

“Didn’t save the birthday girl a seat, huh?” she teased, a faint alcohol flush on her cheeks.

He grinned and patted his thigh. “There’s room for both of us.”

Her mouth fell open.

Oh, shit.

He’d just said that. Out loud. This blew right by simply putting his foot in his mouth! No, she was going to put his foot in his mouth! “Tema, I—“

His jacket flew from her shoulders and hit him square in the face.

Someone gasped from behind him.

‘Liquid courage’? More like ‘liquid stupid’ in my hands!

A punch was sure to follow. He braced for impact.

I should have known I’d find a way to screw up tonight—it was going too perfectly!

A second went by, then another, …but nothing happened. All the warning he had was a sweet smell on the crisp air, and then he felt the weight of something warm and toned on his lap.

Wait, really?!

Stunned out of terror, he yanked the blazer off his head, and, sure enough, there she was. Arms and legs crossed, lips pursed, and blushing like mad—but she was perched on his knee.

A few Awww’s rang out from around them.

It must have been the liquid stupid or maybe their friends’ encouragement, but he decided to push his luck a little further. Flinging his coat out like a matador’s muleta, he let it fall over her legs—he was nowhere near drunk enough to risk revealing a wardrobe malfunction—and he pulled her up into him.

She let out an indignant yelp and flailed in momentary surprise…but she stayed put.

“Idiot,” she grumbled, fidgeting with his blazer blanket.

Yet she rotated in his arms to cuddle into his chest, tucking her legs up under his coat.

“Maybe, but I’m your idiot,” he laughed, tightening his arm around her bare shoulder. Apparently, beer turned him stupid…and really sappy. He was better off changing the subject. “You having fun?”

“Mhhmm.” She nodded against his shirt.

“Good.”

Basking in the glory of success, he ran his hand up and down her bare arm, keeping the chill off, and looked up to the cloudless night. Sitting there with his girl, fighting off a contented yawn, he realized he could get used to this. Maybe ‘Did You Hear Naruto Got Married?’: The Drinking Game’ was catching up to him in more ways than one….

A touch on his chest drew him back to the present.

“Shikamaru,” Temari murmured, tugging shyly at his dress shirt, “This is perfect. Thank you.”

Was she pulling at his shirt or his damn heart?? He could practically see it in her little hands! …And he knew he wasn’t getting it back.

Damn it, why am I so lame tonight??

Smiling despite himself, Shikamaru did the only thing he could: he tilted her chin up, thumb running along her jaw, holding her eyes for just a moment, …and stole a quick kiss.

Woops and catcalls and flashes exploded from all around them. 

The hell? he thought, startled out of their kiss. 

Temari almost jumped out of her skin when she looked up to see Tenten clicking away on her camera just a few feet away, but Shikamaru only grinned and hauled his girl into place for the picture. He was too damn happy to bother with the awkward, even when he realized all of them must have been watching his every move with Temari, ninjas lying in wait…. He chuckled and released his favorite blonde, who launched herself at Tenten to threaten her into handing over the camera.

“Teten, I swear I’ll—!”

Ino, socialite extraordinaire, stepped out of Sai’s arm to diffuse the situation.

“Presents!” she proclaimed loudly. Since Temari was conveniently already in the center of the party, she added, “Temari, stay right there!”

Ino’s order seemed to have startled the blushing birthday girl into obedience.

“You have to open Shikamaru’s last. Actually, open ours”—with a wink, Ino thumbed at Sai, who waved amiably—“after Shika’s! But the rest can go in any order.”

Tenten took advantage of her proximity. “Me first!” Beaming, she held up her camera. “My gift will be the prints, of course! Temari, they’re so cute, I swear!”

Tenten’s announcement was met with Aww’s…and few knowing smirks. She’d already captured some solid gold, and she was bound to get some more, if Kiba had anything to say about it.

Reluctantly, Temari acquiesced with a shrug, …one corner of her mouth barely rising. “Fine, fine. But for my eyes only.”

Next up was Shino, who emerged…from somewhere…to stand before Temari. He extended a small box.

Shit, it’s probably a live scorpion or something! 

Shikamaru leapt from his patio chair, preparing to weave a Shadow Possession and intercept the container. He wasn’t about to let Shino ruin her night with some creepy-crawly thing!

But Temari’s dark eyes glimmered with interest, and she shucked off the brown paper wrapping before Shikamaru could act.

Damn it, too late!

But to his surprise, she gave Shino a broad smile.

“Antheraea yamamai,” he declared proudly, erudite.

The evening crickets chirped their entomological approval…but no one else made a peep.

“Shino, c’mon, man!” Naruto whined good-naturedly, arm looped around Hinata. “Translate!”

“A silk moth,” he sniffed, pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. “It perished naturally, so there is no harm in appreciating its beauty behind glass.”

It was then Shikamaru realized that his desert girl wouldn’t have been fazed by a damn scorpion—or any other of Shino’s insects, probably—in the slightest. He rubbed the back of his neck and tried feebly to make like he’d lurched up for some reason other than saving Temari…from a bug.

“It’s lovely, Shino,” Temari said, holding up glass-top box for everyone to see her moth’s impressive wingspan. “Thank you.”

Sitting back down, Shikamaru had to admit it was pretty classy gift. Maybe I’ll go to Shino for next year….

From there, Kiba and Choji took credit for the ‘Konoha hospitality’—the keg—and Choji dragged Karui out by the hand.

“She made a chocolate cake for everyone! Trust me, you’re gonna love it. Sooo let’s hurry up with the presents, guys!”

“Yeah, his ‘taste test’ left me just enough batter for the cake!” Karui grinned and poked her boyfriend in the stomach.

Hinata rose to offer Temari a book on Konoha’s history and customs, stating with a smile, “From Naruto and me. Since, umm, your work brings you here so often, we hope Konoha becomes your home away from home.”

“’Home away from home,’ huh...?” Temari flipped through it with a sly smirk. “Thanks, Uzumakis.”

Shikamaru felt like he was missing something, but he wasn’t about that troublesome life.

“You’re already wearing my gift!” Sakura yelled from her post near Akamaru, sending over a wolf-whistle.

So that’s where she got the dress. If Shikamaru had been wearing a hat, he would’ve tipped it to Sakura; he made do with a grateful nod. Might have to send a thank-you note for the first and only time in my life…. He smirked.

“My gift will compliment Sakura’s!” Lee shouted with a thumbs-up, tossing her a small package. “What luck!”

A moment later, Temari held up a pair...of violet legwarmers. 

Somehow, she managed to keep a straight face—even as Lee lifted his pant leg in a wild kick to demonstrate just how versatile a garment legwarmers were—and thanked him, placing them with the rest of her bounty.

Shikamaru, on the other hand, had to pretend he’d choked on a nonexistent bite of beef. Tenten gave him a solid thwack on the back, but the reproachful look on her face told him she wasn’t particularly concerned about food being lodged in his throat.... 

But he's wearing legwarmers under slacks, Tenten! Shikamaru pled silently. 

Temari’s words, however, dissipated Tenten’s glare.

“Everyone, thank you.” Temari was looking down, suddenly shy again. “I’m really… I’m feeling the Konoha Hospitality, I guess!”

His girl looked so happy, just in time to unveil the cactus.

Choji was closest to the bench where Sai had left it. “I got it, Shikamaru,” he said and set it on the yakitori table nearest the birthday girl.

Temari raised an eyebrow at her boyfriend, fiddling with the note he’d slipped between the twine, but he just shrugged with a grin. She seemed so pleased with the rest of the night, it probably didn’t matter if his stupid plant didn’t wow her like Shino’s moth had.

“Read the card!” Naruto shouted, another beer in hand.

Shit.

He’d forgotten about that. And how was Naruto still observant with all the alcohol he’d knocked back?

“Uh, maybe not?” Shikamaru tried sheepishly.

Ino had told him to, but nobody else had gotten her a card. On top of that, she’d told him it would be ‘so, so, sooo cute’ to use a ‘term of endearment’ in it. Shikamaru grimaced. He hadn’t exactly planned on everyone hearing it...but maybe it wasn’t a big deal. They were at that point in their relationship, right? It wasn’t weird to call her a petname after a few months, right??

“Read iiiiiit!” Naruto bellowed.

“Alright, alright,” Temari laughed, either not hearing or simply ignoring Shikamaru. “Pipe down, blondie!” She cleared her throat and opened the simple Nara stationary. “’Happy birthday, babe!’” she quoted, smirking around babe. “’I’m a lucky man to have you in my life.’”

Hoots and Awwww’s echoed through the assembled ninja. A peach flush coloring her high cheekbones, his girl blew him a kiss with a wink. Lee clapped him on the back and sparkled a thumbs-up at him.

Shikamaru definitely hadn’t imagined Babe trying out her new petname…on herself—his ears were still burning to prove it—but he nodded in calculated appreciation:

Temari and the girls approved, and the guys were having fun with it. At his expense, sure, but fun nonetheless. He let out a sigh. Even if her brothers couldn’t be there, even if she was in town for work, even if he’d put it all off until the last possible moment… Temari was laughing and surrounded by friends. Was it too early to call the night a success?

Well played, Shikamaru. Best boyfriend ever, he congratulated himself with another satisfied nod and a swig of beer. “Careful unwrapping it, babe!” he called, letting out a smug chuckle after babe. He liked the sound of it.

She untied the twine holding the florist wrap together, peeled back the ruby plastic he’d so carefully arranged to spare her skin, and revealed the pretty plant he’d picked out just for her.

He swished his beer and waited for the sort of reactions all the other gifts had gotten.

But there were no girlish giggles, no excited coos. Even the legwarmers had gotten a warm reception, …but his plant couldn’t even get a cricket chirp?

And Temari… She was just staring down at the cactus, ominous in her silence. Her bangs were hiding her eyes; he couldn’t see her face.

Doesn’t she like it? he wondered nervously.

Then, all at once, static surprise gave way to dynamic reaction: Hinata fainted against Naruto with a squeak, her face beet-red. Sakura’s mouth fell open, and a The hell? slipped out. Karui was alternating between coughing up the drink she’d just inhaled…and snickering as Choji patted her back.

“Hina!” Naruto wailed, cradling his passed-out wife.

What’s happening?! Why are the girls freaking out, and why are they looking at the plant like that?? Shikamaru’s eyes narrowed as he tried to puzzle it out through the alcohol haze. Temari’s skin was turning pink! Oh, no! Was it poisonous?! He sprang up, ready to slap the offending thing out of her hands. No, wait. I would have felt it earlier, and I checked the tag!

“Tem…ari?” he tried, no hint of smugness left in his voice. Sweat was pooling between his shoulder blades.

Temari didn’t respond, still gaping down at the prickly plant.

Where the hell had Ino gone?? She’d know what was happening, and she’d tell him!

By then, Kiba had eagerly sidled up to a cherry-red Sakura for an explanation. Shouldering his wife’s limp form, Naruto hurried to follow suit.

To his left, Tenten was pink in the ears, trying and failing to stifle her giggles with her hand while Lee begged her for enlightenment.  

As he tried to shake the truth out of his teammate, Lee voiced what every male in the place was wondering: “What!”—shake—“Is!”—shake—“Happening!” Shake.

The brunette only laughed harder.

Damn it! What is it?!

Sakura, however, finally found the words to describe the indescribable. Once the breathless secret left her sniggering lips and hit their eager ears, Kiba howled, a wolf at the moon, and Naruto boomed a guffaw, nearly losing his grip on Hinata.

What? No! It was a thoughtful gift—even Ino said so!!

He felt panic welling up in the pit of his stomach as his fingers dug into the wood of the nearest table.

What. The. Hell. Everything was perfect until the girls saw the stupid cactus!

Akamaru joined Naruto and Kiba’s barks of amusement.

Et tu, Akamaru? he thought dismally.

Without a word, a glance, or a discernable emotion, …Temari grabbed the nearest beer and sank it, downing it in one go.

Oh, no.

He didn’t need to be a ninja to sense the danger in the air.

Though on opposing sides of the courtyard, Sakura and Karui gave into fits of uncontrollable mirth at the same time, well past words.

Damn it, no help there. This is bad. This is so bad!

He turned to Choji, who—judging by the tears streaming down his face—had clearly been filled in by his girlfriend. …Yet all Choji could manage was to mouth Dude! through hoots.

Some ‘best friend’ you are!

Shikamaru gritted his teeth, nerves eating away at his composure.

“Guys, come on,” he begged.

At his pitiful plea, Kiba fell to the ground, gasping and rolling in delight. Naruto, on the other hand, retained just enough self-control to recline his fainted wife safely against Akamaru…before he completely lost it and doubled over with Kiba.

“Shika—haha! …Shikamaru!” Kiba rasped out from the grass. “You-you—haha!”

Spit it out, man, jeez!

Since breathing was too much for Kiba and Naruto, Shikamaru turned to Shino, who only shook his head and shrugged, sunglasses glinting in the lantern light. Beyond desperate now, Shikamaru turned to Sai, who just smiled placidly, happy to see his friends enjoying a joke…even if it flew miles above his head.

Temari’s hands clenched into tight little fists of rage, snapping the emptied plastic cup in half.

What did I do?!

“Beautiful!” Sai cheerfully announced Ino’s return, pulling out her chair.

Shikamaru did a full 360 and finally found the person who could clue him in. Lips freshly glossed, she must have just come back from the bathroom inside.

As Ino’s blue eyes scanned the scene, all she could manage was: “What…the hell?”

“Ino—somebody—please just tell me what I did!” Shikamaru shouted, nearing his wit’s end. But his request only sent a fresh wave of hysterics through the party.

At last, Ino was by his side, yanking him to her by the ear. “Shikamaru!” she screeched in a pitch high enough to shatter both eardrums and glass. “I told you to read the descriptions on the plants, you idiot!” she hissed through clenched, white teeth.

“But it’s not poisonous, I checked!” Shikamaru defended weakly.

At that moment, another woman recovered her verbal faculties.

It was Temari, growling low and fearsome: “Shikamaru…”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

“Hanakotoba, moron! I told you some flowers have special meanings!” Ino ground out mournfully. “It says it right there on the tag.”

“Says what?!” Shikamaru demanded in a moan, drowning in trepidation.

He heard a sudden clickclickclick and dimly realized Tenten had recovered enough to start snapping photos through the giggles, forever preserving his abject horror. To her side, Lee’s complexion had changed to match the green of his dress shirt, clearly informed and clearly scandalized.

“It’s a plant! What the hell can it ‘say’ that’s so terrible?!”

It was then that Sakura regained the ability to string together a sentence: “Shikamaru, you-you gave her a—!”

Kiba’s snort from the ground, however, cut her off and sent her stumbling back into giggles.

So Kiba took it upon himself to fill in the blank, a roar of rapturous merriment:

“A sex cactus!” He choked on another howl of laughter, eyes tearing up in sheer joy, unable to believe the words as they left his mouth. “Y-you gave her a fucking sex cactus, man!” he wheezed.

Convulsions took him once more, his fists beating the blameless grass flat.

“The fuck?” Shikamaru breathed, brain backflipping in despair.

Someone must have spiked the beer, he was tripping. That was the only explanation for what he’d just witnessed.

“Damn it, Shikamaru!” Naruto yowled before joining Kiba in breathless grass-slapping. “At her birthday party, too?! She’s…she’s going to end you, bro!”

Shikamaru couldn’t take it anymore. High or not, this obviously wasn’t something he was capable of decoding! He lunged at Ino, hands grasping her shoulders like a lifeline.

“Ino, please!”

She shook her head sorrowfully. “Saboten, flowering cacti, are given as sexual gestures! Like, with that”—pointing with one hand, she squished up his cheeks in the other to wrench his head back toward Temari…and the obscene cactus—“you’re telling Temari—and anyone here with eyes and half a brain!—that you want her.”

“Whuh? Nwoh!” Even with Ino’s fingers distorting his words, he could hear the shrill of panic in them.

Ino released his face to massage her brow, wholly disappointed in his stupidity.

No longer obstructed, his voice was no less hysterical: “But that’s not a thing! How can that be a thing if only girls know about it?!”

Another reverberation of laughter.

Ino just groaned and face-palmed.

Shikamaru dared to glance back at Temari’s face, imploring. “Tema… I… I…!”

He couldn’t make the words happen. What could he say to erase a screw-up of these proportions?! They’d only been together for a few months—a few long-distance months! They hadn’t had the chance to get anywhere close to sex—they hadn’t even made out yet! Tonight had been the most physical they’d ever been!!

And I just propositioned her…for birthday sex…with a cactus…in front of half the village?!

His fingers rose to rake at his scalp, eyes widening in true realization.

“Oh,” Temari began darkly, taking a predatory step toward him, fingers tightening around the rim of the vulgar cactus’s pot, “it’s a thing, babe.”

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

Oh no.

There was fury flaming in her eyes.

Oh no.

He felt his stomach fall through the earth’s crust: she picked up the indecent cactus.

Oh no!

He felt his stomach hit the earth’s core and combust: she was coming at him with the cactus.

OH NO.

This was it. He was a dead man. He was going to die a virgin…because his girlfriend was going to eviscerate him with a plant. A spiky, evil plant.

But then another thought hit him. A thought even more horrific than the obituary reading, ‘Cause of death: proposition by cactus’:

She’s going to break up with me—she’s never going to speak to me again!

Just then, Ino bravely flung herself between him and the wrath of his sex-cactus-wielding girlfriend.

“He didn’t mean anything by it, Temari! Your boyfriend’s just a moron and didn’t”—she turned to give him the full force of her glare—“read the damn tags like I told him to, so he had no idea! He just wanted to give you something pretty from Suna, you know, to be sweet. Since you had to spend your birthday away from home and all.”

Temari’s glower softened, but only slightly, the sex cactus still firmly in her grasp.

Laughing to herself, Ino continued in practiced sarcasm: “Of course, I figured he’d get you a tiny desert rose or a little echeveria. You know, something you could actually take with you after the conference.” She turned to scowl at Shikamaru again. “I mean, really. You expect her to take a cactus with her on the three-day hike back to Suna?”

Shikamaru moaned, the heat of shame was melting him into the grass. “Temari, I’m so so—“

Realizing she had accidentally fanned the flames, Ino cut him off: “I know! Why don’t you open your present from Sai and me? I can guarantee it’s better than Shikamaru’s.” She chirped out cheerfully, “Sai, darling!”

Sai materialized from the darkness, gift bag in hand, and smiled serenely.  

“Happy birthday, Temari!” he remarked and extended the bag, blissfully unaware of the murderous tension surrounding him.

Slightly stupefied, Temari lowered the x-rated cactus to the table at her side, and Shikamaru let out a quiet, shaky breath.

Ino, grab it while you can! He glanced frantically at his teammate, begging her to hear his thoughts, but she was focused on Temari.

Peering around Ino, he could see Temari raise an eyebrow.

As she accepted the proffered gift bag and parted the tissue paper, revulsion spread across her face. “Another one?!” She dropped the bag to the table with the rejected, dirty cactus in a heavy thud.

Ino, what the hell?!

“No, no…” Ino grinned, eyes twinkling gleefully back at Shikamaru. “You see, this isn’t traditional hanakotoba….”

Genius intellect or not, this was beyond Shikamaru’s understanding. How could he have foreseen any of this? All he knew was it was a miracle that he didn’t have a hundred new piercings to accent the ones in his ears. Hell, it was miraculous he still had a head on his shoulders! No... The true wonder was that Temari hadn’t shouted “We’re done!” and stormed off ages ago. He’d rather Temari skewer him with the stupid, debauched cactus and throw him on the yakitori….

Curiosity got the better of her, and Temari reached in. She slowly, gingerly retracted her hand, revealing something green and plant-y.

What is that thing?

Between Temari’s forefinger and thumb hung a frilled stalk of leaves…attached to a spiked, oblong fruit. She lifted her prize for all to see. 

Ire and mortification forgotten—perhaps replaced with utter confusion—his girl’s black-emerald eyes met Ino’s.

“And what, exactly, are you trying to say with a pineapple?”

The question was saturated in sarcasm, but Shikamaru detected the slightest hint of playfulness coloring Temari’s words. He felt his lifespan slowly extending, not even noticing as Ino attained the sweet vengeance she’d promised….

“Oh, it’s simple…. Don’t you see it?” Ino waved a dainty hand, only just able maintain her casual façade, brimming with barely suppressed anticipation. “It’s Shikamaru, of course!”

It took only a second for the joke to hit, before the outburst of obnoxious, tipsy titters echoed through the night. 

Ino nodded to herself, clearly satisfied with her delivery.

A fruit? Shikamaru thought dumbly, genius brain fogged with beer and total humiliation. She named a fruit after me?

“It-it’s perfect!” Naruto choked out from the lawn. He ripped up a handful of grass—dirt clods, roots, and all—and held it to Kiba’s head, miming...a ponytail.

Then a sidesplitting cackle rang out over the din. It was Shino, he’d finally cracked.

I am…a pineapple?

If Shikamaru had any blood left elsewhere in his circulatory system, it joined the rest in his face then.

Temari bit down on her lip, face twitching slightly. She closed one eye and slowly raised the fruit until it was perfectly parallel with her distraught boyfriend…and his pineapple-shaped head. Her teeth sunk in further. Her hand quaked, ...then her whole body.

Aliens had failed to kill Naruto, …yet Shikamaru was beginning to think the Child of Prophecy would laugh himself to death before the night was over.

“I chose a really green one, so it should be perfectly ripe by the time you have to head home,” Ino piped with yet another wink. “Figured a memento would keep you from missing him too much on the road!”

That was it. It finally happened. 

Temari laughed. 

And it wasn’t a snigger or a chuckle. Oh, no. It was a full-blown belly laugh. It bent her spine and sent the Shikafruit bouncing to the ground.

“Careful, you’re going to bruise him!” Choji roared, fueling the chorus of guffaws.

Shikamaru was too relieved to notice the embarrassment. Temari was laughing, and she couldn’t hate him if she was laughing! Hell, he’d answer to ‘Kiwi’ if that meant she’d forgive him! The corners of his lips started to turn upward.

From the corner of his eye, Shikamaru could see Lee was crying tears of youthful jubilation, and Hinata had finally awoken to Akamaru licking her face, blinking slowly.

About damn time for someone else to be the clueless one, he thought dimly.

Temari straightened halfway and wiped at her eyes, gasping out, “G-get over here, idiot!”

Shikamaru had already accepted that he had no retort, no defense. It was probably better to just get it over with, so he did as she commanded and loped over.

“Temari, I’m so sorry! I—“

She slapped him upside the head, latched onto his collar, yanked him close…and kissed him.

He had not seen that coming. He’d expected—at minimum—a bloody nose or Kamatari to join the party…. But this…

Just as he realized what was happening, just as his hands rose to cup her face, …she leaned back.

“No more plants,” she deadpanned under the catcalls, fingers tightening menacingly in his shirt, ocean-blue eyes glaring up into his.

“Never again,” he vowed in a murmur, trailing a set of knuckles down her flushed neck.

“Good!” she huffed, releasing him and swatting his hands off her skin. “Now hand me my pineapple.”

Finally, it was Shikamaru’s turn to laugh: “Yes, ma’am!”

Shaking his head, he stooped to retrieve his stand-in. Troublesome woman… he thought, placing it in her expectant hands.

He realized then that they were standing in the middle of the uproarious group—they were the literal center of attention—and he decided to give in to the liquid stupid just one more time.

“Alright,” he grumbled, face caught between a frown and a smirk, “you’re coming with me.” It’s not like I can get into any more trouble, right? I mean, I set the bar pretty damn high….

Before she knew what was happening, he had her scooped up in his arms, stupid pineapple and all. Careful to hold the hem of her dress in place, he carried his indignant girlfriend back to the abandoned armchair and sank into it.

Temari punched him in the shoulder but couldn’t keep a scowl in place…and collapsed into giggles.

“Okay, show’s over, folks! Someone cut the damn cake!” he announced, leaning one elbow against the armrest and finally allowing himself the solace of a nice face-palm. There was only so much humiliation a guy could take in one night, and he was never going to live this down—this was the stuff of legend around here!

Once she caught her breath, his girl scooted herself from his lap and up to the open armrest. Reclining against the backrest, she crossed her legs...and extended them to the opposite side, one foot dangling. 

Peeking out between his fingers, there was a mile and a half of leg stretched out before him….

NopeNopeNope! he chided. Look alive, idiot! You’re living on borrowed time as it is!

He jerked his chin up…and found her smiling wickedly down at him.

It was a devious purr: “Attaboy…”

Fear slapped his face the in the opposite direction, eyes wide and cheeks flaming.

ShitShitShit!

“Birthday girl needs some cake, I said!” he crowed to no one and everyone.

“Chill, Shikamaru,” Ino teased, already on the move. “We’re on it.”

Temari flicked his ear but draped her arm over his shoulders. “What am I going to do with you?”

Moping and mortified, Shikamaru’s right hand returned to shield his burning face, while his left slid around Temari’s waist.

Then—as if the heavens had decided to prove to Shikamaru he wasn’t the only one capable of humiliating himself that night!—Sai opened his mouth:

“Beautiful,” Sai inquired of the woman in charge of dessert, “when would you like a cactus? Perhaps there’s a hanakotoba book you c—”

“Oh, Sai…” Ino groaned, flushing crimson, and pulled his wrist.

Shikamaru allowed himself one snicker, but just one. He figured suffering through her stupid pineapple revenge had earned him that much.

“We’ll talk about this later, handsome,” Ino assured, kissing Sai’s palm. “Now let’s shut them up with sugar before some other calamity happens out here!”

Then, only a few steps closer to Karui and the cake, she grumbled, “Well, your odds are a hell of a lot better than Shikamaru’s are right now….”

“Okay!” Sai concurred agreeably.

Temari’s laughter vibrated through her body directly into his.

Yup, Shikamaru concluded, the universe definitely had it out for him….

As he tried to disappear into the cushions, he heard something interesting off to the side.    

“Hey, future hokage,” Sakura started, offering Naruto a hand off the ground. “Do you believe me now?”

The terrifying look in her seafoam eyes, the sarcasm in her voice—maybe the universe had moved on to another target, after all!

“Believe what, Sakura-chan?” Naruto squeaked out, one hand trapped in her vicelike grip, the other scratching nervously at his head.

“Wasn’t I just saying the Academy needs to teach cultural practices—like hanakotoba!—to all students, not just the future-kunoichis? Just think, we could have avoided this whole idiotic display…if”—her eyes blazed dangerously, her deathgrip tightened—“the curriculum were...corrected.”

Sheepishly, Shikamaru’s third favorite blonde gave the only response he could:

“You right.”

Against his better judgement, Shikamaru decided to run with Sakura’s reasoning, pivoting his head towards his girl with a smirk.

“See, Temari? It’s not my fa—“

Another slap upside the head cut him off. “Don’t even try, pineapple,” she scoffed.

Birthdays, women… They were all so troublesome.

...But maybe he liked a little trouble?

–

The Chunin Exams were planned, the conference was over, the sun was only just starting to rise…and Temari was standing at the village gate, about to depart for Suna.

“Guess you’re gonna tell the kazekage and Kankuro about your birthday, huh?” Shikamaru asked, hands stuffed in his pockets, absently kicking at a rock.

The days after her dinner party had gone by smoothly and without incident, but now that she was leaving….

“What, and start an international incident? Nah.” She winked. “They’re definitely getting a slice of Ino’s pineapple, though—don’t get too many of these babies in the desert!” Grinning wide, she patted the bottom of her overstuffed backpack. “Besides…” She lowered her voice, narrowed her eyes, “I’m sure they’ll hear all about your exploits soon enough on their own.” She shrugged theatrically. “Shame your present couldn’t travel, huh? Then I could’ve shown them how it all began….”

“Yeah, yeah…” Shikamaru pouted and scratched the back of his head, knowing he’d be catching shit for her birthday for the next decade or two. From Temari, from Konoha, from Suna… Hell, even from Kumo since Karui was there!

“Oh, don’t be such a baby! And speaking of my present... It better still be alive the next time I’m in town!” she snarked. “Anyways, I’ve got something to show you before I hit the road.”

She smiled that wicked smile of hers as the ascent of the morning sun cast a golden halo around her face. It made for a surreal combination….

“Tenten brought you the prints, didn’t she?” he groaned, throwing out an unimpressed hand. Why, Tenten, why?

“Sharp as ever.”

She withdrew a thick envelope from her weapons pouch and slapped the first two rectangles into his hand, one on top of the other.

“We don’t have time to go through all of them—whether you like it or not, we’re going to someday!—but these two are my favorites.”

Of course she’d organized them by favorites. No doubt, in order of how stupid he looked. Grudgingly, Shikamaru looked down. There was no point trying to avoid it, no matter how much he might have wished to forgo reliving his disgrace….

“First, we have the ‘Before.’ Like Tenten’s caption?”

Shikamaru had to smirk, he couldn’t help it. The ‘Before’ showed him grinning big with his arms wrapped securely around a pink and pouting Temari. Her tanned legs were tangled up in his blazer as she fought to escape his grip…and destroy the camera.

Beautiful, he thought, and deadly.

Underneath the photo, Tenten’s neat handwriting read:

‘Yeah, I’m the man.’

Shikamaru nodded in appreciation. He had to agree with Tenten’s assessment: he sure as hell looked the part. He slid an arm around Temari’s shoulders and leaned in to admire his handiwork. Even knowing what the next picture would show, he had to tease her: “Look what one little kiss did to you, you’re all flustered and sulky!”

Not even bothering to glare at him, she deadpanned: “You know you’re about to eat those words, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, sullen again. “I know….”

“Let’s take a look at the ‘Post-Cactus’ photo, shall we?”

Gleefully, she brought forth the monument to his eternal shame.

He wasn’t mentally prepared to look at the actual image yet, so his eyes fell on Tenten’s caption:

‘The Queen and her Pineapples’

Yup, he conceded, that sounds about right.

“So what do you think, Shikamaru?” she goaded, looking up at him so sweetly. “Personally, I think it might be Tenten’s magnum opus. I just don’t think she can top it!”

Oh, grow a pair, he scolded himself.

Grumbling and fighting off a blush, he finally looked at the image. They were in that armchair again but…

Whoa.

Temari looked like a goddess gracing a mortal with her presence. She was smiling triumphantly in the firelight, showing off her perfect teeth. Perched elegantly on the armrest, she had her long legs crossed demurely.…

Hello.

And he’d thought they’d looked good in the first photo! He was afraid she’d somehow catch him staring like a perv, so he tore his eyes away and finally faced the first jab to his ego. Temari had one hand proudly supporting that menace of a cactus in her lap. The second jab, of course, was dangling the damned pineapple above his hunched shoulder…for comparison. 

He sighed. She looked amazing…and then there was him.

He, a mere mortal, was slouched over, hiding his red face in his hand. Though only a grimace and a single eye were visible, it was more than clear he was glowering at his fruit look-alike.

He’d seen enough. He closed his eyes, shaking his head with a reluctant grin.

If I didn’t have that arm around her, I’d look one-hundred percent whipped…instead of, ya know, just ninety….

He reopened his eyes at the sound of Temari’s voice.

“I almost forgot. Tenten left a little note with the pictures,” Temari went on, voice noticeably softer.

Evidently, she’d decided she’d tortured him enough for one trip.

“Look, everyone signed it.”

She withdrew a slip of paper from the envelope and unfolded it for his eyes:

‘We’re all so sorry about the other night, Temari! We weren’t laughing at you, just at your boo! You guys are ~perfect~ together and all of us ship you so much!! Please don’t be mad. We love you. Come back soon.’

Smiling faintly, she carefully folded it up, slipped it in the envelope, and stowed it safely in her pouch.

Shikamaru rubbed her shoulder, unsure of what to say.

Even though they literally cackled at his misery…documented it in photos…and would never, ever let him forget it… He had the best friends around. 

And they’d become her friends, too.

Damn it, she’s turning me into such a sap!

As if on cue, it finally hit him:

There was no way all their friends just happened to have Temari’s birthday off! And the gifts they’d supposedly gotten or baked or whatever with one day’s notice…!

Ino and Choji… He shook his head with a grin. And probably Sakura, too.

They must have known he’d eventually get his act together and had just planned around it!

“Anyways,” Temari continued, “those two are for you to keep, but don’t worry: I have my own copies.” She snatched the pictures from his hand and slowly unzipped his vest. Slipping them into the mesh of his undershirt, she whispered, “Keep these close to your heart, babe.” She gave his chest a firm pat, clearly recalling how much she loved to torture him.

He was the least manly shade of magenta, he was sure of it. Troublesome woman…

Noting the sun’s position in the sky, she sighed, resigned, and looked away. “I have to get going.”

“Yeah, okay,” he frowned. 

One week was only enough to make him miss her. At least they’d both be in Suna at the same time next month.

“But before I go, I have a favor to ask, Shikamaru….”

Her voice had brightened, it sounded…dangerous. Her stormy-hued eyes were wide with contrived innocence, looking up at him so fondly.

Shikamaru stiffened. He knew the signs, he just didn’t know what was coming.

Temari leaned into him. Standing on pointed toes to reach his ear, as if to whisper sweet-nothings, she placed a gentle hand on his cheek.

“Kill my sex cactus,” she threatened in a honeyed coo, “and I’ll kill you.” With a firm pat on the cheek and a kiss on his lips, she turned on her heel. “Bye, boyfriend!”

As his hand rose to where hers had been, as he watched her stride off toward the desert, a chill ran down his spine. 

Damn, his girlfriend was scary.

Birthdays, man! So troublesome! ;)

🌵 Sooo this was my first time writing Temari or Shikamaru...or ShikaTema...ever! And fluff is new for me, since my default setting is dark and twisty…. I blame the sangria that 💯 fueled this marathon of a speedwrite. 🍷

🌵 I tried really hard to do them justice, and I hope this turned out okay!! If you liked it please let me know! ‘Cause that reblog / comment button is actually the “validate button.” ♥ Thank you for reading.

🌵 I hope to write a very NSFW continuation of this, also for Temari Week / Month. Let’s just say Shika manages not to kill the birthday sex cactus.... 🎂

🌵 Might continue this fic if there's interest! Beyond the smutty/fluffy Part II, mean. I do have several ideas! Might also be tempted into a possible SaiIno spinoff...?

🌵 Find my other fics on FF.net here; I write mainly SasuSaku + ItaSaku.

🍍 Shout out to @toondoon1010​, @angrypisces​, @thepiestperson for their support! Thanks, guys! ♥

–

XOXO

Endoh

🌵🍍🌵 UPDATE 11/16/18: NSFW SEQUEL COMING FOR SHIKAMARU WEEK 2019! 🌵🍍🌵