#EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT MEAN. the feral hogs don't even have to be mean. they might just be asking a basic question

[sergle]

about how long do you need to be the owner of a shop before dealing with customer service emails / help requests No Longer Feels like being surrounded by a pack of feral hogs. I don't have this problem I'm asking for a friend

[beetlesau]

Bus Ride, Drabble Dabble, Bakugo/Reader

I'm obsessed with the idea that Bakugo would go feral for a woman that's as normie as his dad just because his mom CHASED his dad DOWN because she wanted him, And Bakugo is his moms twin. ANYWAY. Just messing around with a tame version of that idea. Being bored. Zero Edits, I don't even know if I spelt names correctly lol K Baaiiiii

"Why does your hair look like that?" Mineta peaked over the bus seat down at you. You instinctually pulled the collar of your shirt up to cover any cleavage that could have been showing from that view. 

You sighed, it was a common question back in school before UA. You'd been made fun of for it for as long as you could remember, but you never cared. It was your second year at UA, you'd thought someone would have said something sooner than now, but here you were. You made an obvious glance up at Mineta's purple grapelike head before bringing your attention back to his face. 

"Same reason yours looks like that, I guess. Our quirk just made us different." You looked back down to a Heroes Weekly Tabloid magazine you'd been busying yourself with prior. 

Your hair was normal, bland even, save for the bands of white that flowed down from your temples. The doctors said that when your quirk manifested, it must have put such a strain on you that your body responded in the odd way it did. The same thing happened to your eye color. You had such intense grey eyes after your quirk appeared you hardly remember the color they were before that day.  

"No I mean your haircut!" he chided. Your eye twitched before you looked up again at the pervert menace. You noticed that comment also grabbed the attention of the others on the bus. 

In the seat across from Mineta sat Ashido and Uraraka. Uraraka, who sat by the window, glowered at the boy as best as her round sweet face could. Ashido sneered and shot a glance over to Mineta's seatmate, Kaminari. A look that said, "if you don't do something, I will."

Kaminari, not wanting to have his face melted off as collateral damage, stood in his chair and turned back to face you as well. He put on his best flirty smile and propped his cheek on his fist. "I don't know, I think it looks pretty good. Edgy. Mysterious."

"Yeah, it's a mystery why she has that haircut. It's so unflattering on you! You could be an absolute ten if you'd just--"

Mina flung her leg across the aisle, shoving her boot into Mineta AND Kaminari's sides.

"You dimwitted jerks! You're lucky she doesn't have Uraraka float your two asses and hog tie you to the bus like a couple of balloons!"

"Say the word and I'll do it, girl!" Uraraka looked at you with her dusted pink cheeks. She may have been a softy but she was a ride-or-die. 

You laughed at your two best friends and shook your head no. It was alright. It wasn't anything you weren't used to.

"She cuts it herself." a gravelly voice across from you catches your attention. "Didn't you say that, like, first day of school? Do you not pay attention, idiots?" Bakugo takes one of his earphones out as he readjusts against his school bag. All the noise must have bothered him enough to chime in. 

All four members of the conversation lean out into the aisle and look back at the blonde. Did he just say he remembered some random thing someone said about themselves? 

"Oh. Right, yeah I kind of do remember that." Kaminari pulls out his phone and starts typing away like a madman. Not seconds later a couple of simultaneous dings are heard a bit further up the bus. "Uh, do you know why she cuts it herself though?"

"What's it to you dumbass? She's right there, ask her yourself." he sucks his teeth annoyed, but looks over to you. "Don't tell this shithead anything you don't want to." You smiled at him, your cheeks finding a bit of color before you turned back to Kaminari. You raised your eyebrows at him as though to say, "You heard the man."

Kaminari groans before trying a new tactic. "I mean, I already know the answer. I remember, I was just trying to see if YOU remembered. In fact, I think I probably know more about her than anyone else on this bus." he stated matter-of-factly. You looked at him with an incredulous expression before the hothead across from you spoke out again. 

"You're full of shit." he turns to you again, "You cut it that way so it doesn't get in your way! That's why it doesn't matter what the hell it looks like. You're not trying to win fuckin beauty pageants, you're trying to kick villain ass."

"What's going on, what did I miss? What was that text about?" Kirishima crouched in the aisle, looking to Kaminari for answers. 

"Kirishima, thank god! Mineta move, let Kirishima sit there, you've been a menace long enough today." Mineta checked the seat Kirishima had just come from and saw it was across from Yaoyorozu and agreed without too much fuss.

"Oh, man, you just missed Bakugo say that the lil lady back here isn't winning any beauty pageants." Kaminari slowly shook his head in mock disappointment. 

"WHAT THE HELL? DID I FUCKING SAY THAT??? YOU WANNA KEEP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH?" Bakugo shot up from his seat, sparks popping off his hands that gripped the back of Ashido and Uraraka's chair, the smell of scorched plastic permeated before Uraraka opened her window.

"It's okay Bakugo, he's just trying to mess with you. You're right though, I just hate having my hair in my eyes so I cut my bangs myself." you blow air up from your mouth and watch as the short choppy fringe fluttered about just a bit. "One of these days I'm gonna have tech support just make me a built-in headband so I can grow them out. The grow-out stage is a bitch, is all. " you laugh.

"So that's why Bakugo called you Fringe for the first year of school!" Kirishima nodded in understanding.

"Hey, Kirishima, do you know her favorite color, by the way?" Kaminari ponders dramatically. 

"Uh, It'd be a guess, but no I don't think I've ever asked--What is your favorite color?" Kirishima politely and enthusiastically requested the information from you now. 

"Oh! Well now hold on a minute, maybe we SHOULD guess it." Kaminari's words were laced with a layer of sticky entrapment but you were curious to see where he was going with all this nonsense. 

"Sure, go ahead." you shrugged. 

"Let's take turns guessing. Is it teal?" he looked at you expectantly, and you gave him a cocked side-eye. 

"No-"

"OH darn. Okay Bakugo, your turn. What's her favorite color?"

"This is stupid." he huffed

"Well if you don't know, just say so--"

"It's the same as her birthstone, jackass."

Your blush told Kaminari he was correct, or at least close enough. 

"What makes you so sure? Did she tell you?"

"Obviously it's the same as her birthstone, she has a bracelet she wears that's that color, so why wouldn't it be? It's not that hard to figure out if you weren't an idiot."

"--you know her birthdate?" Uraraka's eyes were wide and she was blushing profusely, knowing full well what was happening. 

"What's her favorite food?" Mina piped up, ignoring the subtlety that Kaminari was attempting, seeing exactly what he was trying to get from the angry blonde. 

"How the hell should I know." Bakugo sunk back down in his seat, attempting to put his dead earphones back on, conveying he was done with the interrogation. 

"Well that's a tough one anyway, I'll eat just about anything. I'm not picky." you shrugged, trying to save Bakugo from any more annoyance. 

"Psh. Yeah, but you have such an annoying sweet tooth. I swear I came down to the common area one time and you were practically scarfing down a cupcake. I thought you'd end up eating the wrapper." Bakugo interjected. 

"Oh, that's ... That's true actually!" you grinned. "Well, the sweets part. I was not going to eat the wrapper! Sato had made some for the class. Maybe if you didn't go to bed so early you could of known how amazing it was." you pouted.

"I don't eat sweets before bed, are you nuts? How's anyone supposed to sleep hopped up on sugar? I don't know how you do it." he mumbled, crossing his arms and spreading to take up more room in his seat. 

"Ah, well I suppose I do have trouble falling asleep sometimes." you considered, "I should try out your schedule for a week and see if it helps!"

"WHY ARE YOU ALL STARING? What the fuck could you all have to look at? Fucking annoying." Bakugo stopped to yell when he noticed the small group of onlookers were, well, still looking at the two of you. 

"Kaminari, he's right, you should mind your own business." Mina said as she and Uraraka turned back around to go back to their own thing. Mina turned to send you a glance and pointed at her phone, indicating you should check your phone. 

Looking at your recent messages you see one from the pinkette,

So are you going to pretend it's normal for THAT guy to know everything about you??

You bit your lip as you glanced over at the annoyed guy staring into the back of the seat in front of him. His leg was bouncing in boredom and probably irritation if you had to guess.

Mina was your best friend, but she could be a bit dramatic. 

You weren't sure you were ready to tell her that Bakugo had made it known to you that he was interested. Like, VERY interested.

And you were, less obviously, interested back. You knew his favorite food. His favorite color. He even told you things that made him feel insecure and confided his feelings about being a hero to you. 

It happened suddenly one day. You noticed him looking at you, like actually looking. He held you back after class and said your actual name and not just fringe. That was when you realized you had feelings for him. You didn't hate the nickname, and you considered yourself on good terms with him. He acknowledged your strength and treated you as an equal. But something about the way he said your name made your mind go fuzzy. It felt like you'd just woken from a dream and saw him for the first time. Were his eyes always that intense? 

"I talked to my old man the other day, and he told me some gross shit about how when he and my mom met- she pursued him relentlessly. Borderline insane is what it sounded like to me. My pop apparently doesn't have a spine and he just gave in. Whatever." Bakugo rolled his eyes before waiting for you to say something. 

"Oh! Um, I don't know, I guess I can see how that's romantic. Uh, why are you telling me this though?" you shuffled your weight from one foot to the other, noticing there was a bit too much heat bouncing off the two of you. 

Bakugo bit the inside of his cheek, taking a moment to find the wording. "I'm not crazy like that. I'm not some clone of my old Hag I just wanted to say." he lifted his arm to stretch his back, his actions nonchalant for such an odd topic of conversation. "Anyway, I waited a year is all I wanted to say, so I think I'm going to persue you now."

"Wh-what? You waited. Ah what?" you stammered, you could feel your heart pounding in your chest. "W-what if I don't want you to pursue m-me?" you laughed. You were nervous. And nervous you always say something to deflect the awkward feelings. 

"I'm not very good at not getting what I want, but like I said-I'm not crazy like that old hag, I'll let you have your own say. Anyway. I'll see you later." and then he left you standing there dazed and confused. 

You looked over to him now, sitting alone in his seat. Why else would you have been sitting in the back if not because you knew he'd be back here? You smile to yourself. While this could be your secret for a little while longer you really couldn't resist after seeing his commitment to knowing you in front of the others. 

You pull out your earphones, put one ear in, and hold out the other to Bakugo, who accepts without hesitation. He shoots you a nod and pushes his bag to the floor making room for you to sit by him. 

And you do. You probably will for the rest of your life if he has his way, and you're happy with that. 

[doitforbangchan]

I really hope abanb comments can still be made because Ive been thinking about this since chapter ONE. Since they are a-lot of pack members ( 9 but still ) what happens if a heat or a rut overlaps - do betas even have ruts, if not then I’m only talking about alphas. But like what if two ruts overlapped, because of how possessive they are during ruts, what do you imagine would happen? Also if omega goes into heat and another goes into rut, doesn’t main alpha chan normally take care of omegas heat?

(Btw I’m actually obsessed with the way you write❤️❤️)

Hi bestie thank you for reading! ofc we can still chat about abanb i love questions!

and loooorrrddyyyy this is a good question

ok ok so the betas don't go into ruts (thankfully) or the possibility of over lapping heats would sky rocket! As for the other 3 alphas.. it would be a shit show if they went into a rut together. Chan would be so unbelievably possessive of baby and for his and the safety of the other alphas he has to leave the house for a few days until his rut is over, and he would take omega with him.

in a scenario where chan couldn't leave with her soon enough while in rut the same time as another boy it could go one of two ways: With changbin it would most likely be him begging and pleading with chan to not take her from him, he is not above groveling.

But with Jeongin it could only end in harsh words and devasting blows. Innie knows he's not the head alpha, but when he's feeling that needy and desperate he would do anything to keep hold of his omega- his muddled brain telling him to fight for her. The betas and Changbin would have to forcibly tear the two rutting alphas away from the other lest one ends up with his throat ripped out. it is best they get away from each other as quickly as possible.

Knowing that baby - the love of their lives- can't come help them when they are in rut drives the two younger alphas insane. or more like feral. They are screaming, tearing a part the house, and just being downright mean to every one. It isn't until their own ruts have ended and chan has returned with baby they feel ok again, though the next few days are spent giving the head alpha snarky looks and petty words.

I touched a little on duel ruts here also if you were interested :)

now if its omega who goes into heat at the same time as an alpha goes into a rut its best case scenario. It was difficult for Chan to keep up with her during her heat as it is, but being on rut would make it incredibly easier to keep stamina. same goes for Binnie and Innie- it would be a godsend for them to rut at the same time. And channie doesn't get jealous, he knows the boys and baby would need it so he steps aside and let's them do what they gotta do.

thats not to say that as soon as the rut is over he isn't snatching up his omega and hogging her for a few days after 🤭

Thank you for asking 💜

[ohwell-itsme-but-danganronpa]

Antag & Protag Duos Canon Divergent AU

it's Miu in the locker next to Shuichi so they're the circumstantial friends

and Kaede with Kokichi are almost the classic lead + support except you can't tell which is which (they're both leads and Miu and Shuichi are both antags, gay people win)

I mean, Miu and Shuichi friendship is so chaotic, he could let go and say what he thinks more often, he'd be more rude. Progressively leaning more into the antag role

And their talents combined used for meddling

And working with someone who's being straightforward and friends with her would be better for Miu's state of mind

She was something along of frenemies with Kokichi, but here she's besties with Shuichi and she's in on the planning, equal on the team, so she won't backstab him

And then there's Kaede and she doesn't have Shuichi at her side, hiding behind her extroverted self during introductions and already creating the illusion of leadership and community being built around her. No, she's with Kokichi

And that affects people's first impressions of her

Those two argue a lot, not really fighting but if she wants to do something one way he insists on doing it the other, it isn't even about the leader role, each simply thinks they know better and can't move forward until they reach a consensus and every so often one will tell the other to leave them alone but "you're stuck with me, no way I'm leaving you to your own devices, somebody would end up dead if that happened"

The funny thing is they're right when they say that, it's a joke for them… they don't even know

Protag Kokichi go brrr He's always working, doesn't need to hide it and sneak at night

"Don't strong-arm everyone to work with you, work with me, I am as feral about it as you are, also I don't trust you further than I can throw you (and I couldn't even pick you up) so I am going to keep an eye on you, alrighty?" glowing eyes Kaede: equally glowing eyes and clenched fists "We're going to catch the mastermind"

They're like wild hogs to me (I don't know what I am saying) [this sentence pops up in my head every once in a while and it's so true, the real oumatsu dynamic]

Kaede to Kokichi: you're the most suspicious person I've ever meet, my headache, there's something deeply wrong with you, my peace of mind depends on knowing your whereabouts, if anything were to happen to you, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself

They don't need to trust each other to be the best of friends, it's actually better this way, that's the whole reason they're each other's closest allies in fact

And maybe it does happen, maybe she does lead everyone as a protag to make the decision not to vote after he dies with Shuichi, having agreed to go along with the plan our antags made

Maybe she's grieving and sobbing and self-loathing because when they split up in their plan to figure out antags scheme she chose to pursue Miu for… selfish reasons that make her feel so gross with herself now that he's dead and she doesn't know he agreed to it and that they all betted on her anger to get them this outcome

But I dunno so don't ask me [

[sterekchub]

Just thinking about enabler/sugar daddy Derek first starting out with slightly overweight home from college stiles until he’s absolutely massive. Encouraging him to eat more and more, getting stiles off every time he eats until sex and food are synonymous for Stiles. The sheriff watching his son blow up before his eyes thanks to the countless meals Derek brings stiles. Stiles absolutely beached under his own weight, struggling to even reach his own dick around his stomach. Stiles being oblivious at first until Eventually giving into Derek’s slowing increasing dirty talk about how huge he’s getting until stiles is craving not being able to move as much as he wants to be pounded into a mattress by Derek akdjjssj

YES. I don't even have that much to add to this because it's just...perfect. Stiles takes that "gap" year- tells everyone he's going to get his Masters degree, but he wants some time off first. Maybe find some work. Comes home after graduation and after 4 years? Is solidly reaching for the senior 60...Derek can't get enough. Stiles goes around like he has NO idea how obscenely tight everything he wears is. Triggers something feral and possessive in Derek. So he innocently offers that Stiles can help him - Derek will pay him to do research for "clients". Really it means Stiles pays off his bills, and doesn't do a day of work because he's too stuffed to function. He doesn't even *mean* to eat so much. But anytime he pushes food away, insisting he's full, Derek tells him come on, finish it! Don't leave leftovers And his face is so, so close to Stiles, a hand pressing against his hardening dick....he always says yes. Starts getting horny any time he's stuffed- a problem Derek is only too happy to take care off. The Sheriff starts getting a little more persistent in his nagging. "Maybe you should get out of the house? Look for a real job." "Parrish goes running every morning, you could join him.." to eventually "For god's sakes, Stiles, how much weight have you put this month?" Stiles always shrugs. Texts Derek my dad thinks I'm getting too fat. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if you brought me a salad for dinner.

Derek brings a salad...and a bag full or burgers and fries and a tray of milkshakes. Stiles groans and burps and pushes his way to finish everything - except the salad which sits forgotten on the table. Derek shoves a burger in his mouth, telling Stiles he is too fat. But he can always be fatter. Stiles should hate the idea- but his stomach is taut and aching and his dick is hard and he can't think about anything but badly he needs to come. Derek doesn't fuck him until he watches Stiles struggling to reach around his gut to find his cock. Red in the face, sweaty and panting, huffs at Derek "it's only....wheeze because I had all those wings for lunch." The handfuls of blubber Derek can grab when he covers over to him with a predatory grin tells a different story. He tells Stiles it's too much effort to find his dick buried under the blubber of his pad and gut - so fucking him into the mattress it is. Stiles isn't complaining - especially as this isn't the first time he's tried to jerk off and found he couldn't reach.. And after that - Derek can call Stiles anything he want. His growing hog. Greedy pig. Calorie dump. Ballooned blimp. His personal toy to fatten and fuck. Stiles agrees. On all fours on the bed, belly pressing heavily into the mattress, shoveling more food into his mouth, while Derek fucks him, promising he'll keep eating as long as Derek doesn't stop...

[xiyouyanyi]

Modern Era At Last: Spider Queen Special

My original idea for this AU starts with "Filling up the Celestial Realm", so we'll just say that S1 works more or less the same unless otherwise specified, and let the real diverging point start at the Spider Queen Special.

-Hell no, the trigram furnace isn't kept in the throne room, it is where it is in Tusita Heaven, Lao Tzu's place. And the place is quite empty and quiet when they aren't refining elixirs and the flames have been extinguished.

-Which means MK and Pigsy/Tang wouldn't be going to two different buildings, just two wings of the same building.

-It's also Lunar New Year, during which all the Kitchen Gods went back to submit their reports to the Celestial Host, so most of the officials and guards are gathered around the administrative halls.

-To celestials, it's more of a daily meeting, though. A.k.a. "Those last few hours where you are stuck in the office, desperately wishing you are somewhere else."

-Red Son has access to the place because PIF, as the former Grand Mistress of the Wind Bureau, keeps a backdoor key. The spider minions sneaked in by turning themselves tiny and latching onto the jet's wing before the formation activated.

-The gang landed in the Wind Bureau sky-harbor, right next to Lao Tzu's place, and immediately ran into Lady Hanzhi, known to Red Son as "Auntie Wind"——which, coincidentally, was not too far off from her most well-known title nowadays, Feng Po. 

"Please, that name makes me sound so old! Why not Sister Wind?"

-She acted like she always does: your overly helpful, enthusiastic, pushy aunt who seems to delight in embarrassing the youngsters, and immediately jumped to conclusions, asking Red Son if he was taking his cute dragon girlfriend on a date.

-Upon being met with an unambiguous "NO!" and some desperate attempts at backtracking ("We are just…not hating each other at the moment!") she chuckled, but was perceptive enough to understand they were in a bind, and immediately agreed to help out before Red Son even got the full story out.

-Naturally, that left Mei a little suspicious. "Uh, we are like, stealing your stuff? Ya' really don't have a problem with that?” 

-Hanzhi just laughed and was like, "You think I care about my job? Or want to be here? Even though Little Red's mother left me quite the mess to sort out, I'll take an old friend's kid over The Reasons We Are Here at any time of the year!"

-Which, to her surprise, failed to be assuring when she opened her Wind Sack and told Red Son and Mei to get inside.

"Okay, not to be mean or anything, but that's just…sus." "As suspicious as a bunch of mortals sneaking around in funny modern day robes? My, whenever I thought your fashion standards could not get any worse than these awful queues and melon hats…but ah, I'm rambling." "The point is, your friends are going into Tusita Heaven while the furnace is unlit. No one will be there, except for the new furnace-fanning boy and…That Lady." Hanzhi wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, the old witch with a broom. Pretty easy to fool, but remember, stay at least five Chi away from her, or your entire mission is a bust." "You two, however, are going into the Peach Garden. With actual guards and visitors, and one of my junior brothers as its new warden. You are not getting in, or out, without someone leading the way."

-Kui Mulang is still working as a furnace-fanning boy——he could have been done with it long ago, had he not intentionally fucked up during the Three Rhino Kings fight out of spite and got his sentence prolonged. When the place is not in use, he's put in a cangue and chained to a pillar in the storage room.

-When Pigsy and Tang entered the lab sector in search of the golden pill, he took the latter hostage through a combination of deception and the space-warping magic of stellar gods. 

"Now, hog, pick that vial of liquid off the shelf, and pour it on these chains," The Wood Wolf Star exposed his teeth in a feral grin, as he poked at Tang's back with the ethereal dagger,"very, very carefully. If you spill a single drop on me, my hand may just slip."

-Jiang Ziya's dead and deified ex-wife, Ma The Broom Star, makes an appearance as the cleaning lady on duty.

-She can passively curse people AND immortals with bad luck: not kill-your-entire-family, ruin-your-life level of bad luck like what the Taisui Star or the Dipper Mansion deities are capable of, but things like making people slip and fall on their butts, sneeze/burp at the most embarrassing time, arrive late to urgent meetings, etc.

(Also, firing comets out of her broomstick like a true witch.)

-MK, affected by her Aura of Inconveniences, fell right into the (unlit!) furnace while trying to sneak past her using the building's support beams. She heard the scream, but thought he was one of those bratty immortal acolytes and responded to his cries for help like the bitter old lady she was. 

"Serve you right for horsin' around, boy! Now sit in there and think about what you've done, till I'm done cleaning this place! Goodness gracious, I'm never so glad to have a daughter, not that my good-for-nothing ex-husband didn't try turning her against me, yeah, some Grand Master of Strategists you are, Jiang Ziya…"

-MK then committed the grave error of asking "Huh? Jiang Ziya? Who?" and was subjected to a long, incensed, caustic rant, most of which he tuned out for the sake of his own sanity.

-Meanwhile, at the Peach Garden: Hanzhi walked in without much of a problem, using the excuse that she is bringing her junior some tea right after getting dismissed from the meeting. Said junior is one of the 28 Lunar Mansions: Bi Yuewu of the White Tiger Mansion, a.k.a the Moon Crow Star.

-In ancient Chinese astrology, the Bi Star was seen as having power over rain, and the section of the sky it was in charge of housed the Tianyuan constellation, or "Heavenly Orchard". His Stellar Beast form, a one-legged crow, is based on Shang Yang: a mythical bird that would dance before every huge storm like a goofy weather forecast guy.

-He excels at controlling cloud formations, to the point he got "borrowed" by the Wind and Thunder Bureau more than some of the Water-aligned stars after deification. That did not translate to battle prowess, though, and he mostly relies on his formations to misdirect, trap and stall enemies for the rest of his team to handle.

-After Kui Mulang's sentencing, Star Lord Mao had taken over as the substitute leader of the White Tiger Mansion stars. As a fellow bird star and the anxious secretary to Zi Huohou's shy intern, Bi looked up to him, a lot. 

-Today happened to be his shift——one of the 28 Lunar Mansions is exempt from the daily meetings, to watch over their sector of the sky. Like most celestials, he was used to Hanzhi just walking around, finding people to chat the moment she was off-work, and wasn't surprised when she came out of the treasure storage room without her Wind Sack.

"Little Red, you've actually been here before, I trust you know where the kitchen is? Go there, grab a peach, get out, and please please please don't try to go into the garden proper if you can't find one. Just return to this room and wait, Auntie Hanzhi will handle it." As the shrill screech of a defensive formation triggering echoed through the pavilion, and Bi leaped out of his chair, Hanzhi could not help but sigh and thought, Of course these kids tried to go into the garden, why wouldn't they.

-Except they didn't try to go into the garden. It was the spiders, and a tiny immortal girl with an embroidered ball.

-Yep, it's Li Zhenying, Nezha's little sister, only mentioned once in JTTW! Here, she's a bit older and the holder of one of Nezha's magical weapons, the embroidered ball.

-In Zaju plays, this ball contains a shit ton of demons and evil spirits, subdued by Nezha and now working under his command, but that's not safe for kids so it just has a mouse inside now.

-Specifically, Lady Diyong, who's serving her prison sentence in there after her second capture and acts as Zhenying's unwitting hamster-slash-playmate. 

-The way the ball works: it can keep beings captive and enable the holder to use their powers, like a magical Pokeball. Once something is inside, it can only be released by the one who initially captures it.

-So Li Zhenying used Diyong's power to get under and past the defensive formation undetected, because…she's bored and wanted to practice some Cuju, and just happened to run into two very lost and frustrated spider demons.

-They decided to stalk Red Son and Mei together, in their mini-spider forms——it was the former who had the backdoor key, after all, and without that, they wouldn't be able to get back to the mortal realm safely after snatching up the three items.

-So they crawled into the Peach Garden and lay in wait. And waited. And waited. And no one came. Then, when they tried to leave, they couldn't, and kept circling back to the same place until a 12 year old popped out of the ground and yelled "Stop right there, bug people!"

-They laughed. They stopped laughing when one of them got sucked into the embroidered ball like a Pokemon. The sight of a huge, muscular spider guy desperately running away from a little girl was still pretty comedic, though.

-He didn't last for long. Diyong started screeching inside the ball because ewwwww, spider people, gross! She's not into that and she doesn't want them as her future neighbors! Get them out of here, at once! 

-Zhenying found her terror quite amusing, but ended up doing so because all the screaming was getting annoying. And that was what Hanzhi and Bi saw when they charged into the depth of the formation: Li Jing's youngest kid, swinging her toy around in a circle and sending two black dots flying into the sky.

-Hanzhi let out a silent Oh no at the sight. Bi let out a loud "You WHAT?!" as Li Zhenying explained her encounter with the spider people, and commented that pest control must be quite hard if all the bugs in here could grow into people. 

-Bi proceeded to have a nervous breakdown because I let a spider demon infestation happen right under my nose and trapped Devaraja Li's daughter inside my formations, oh fuck, oh fuck, I'm so dead.

-He was too busy curling up in a ball and rocking back and forth to notice Hanzhi slipping away, an immortal peach hidden in her sleeves, to retrieve Red Son and Mei. Back at Tusita Heaven, however, the rest of the gang weren't having a good time. 

-Ma had finished rambling about Jiang Ziya's great-great-however-many-times-great-grandson, the "Biggest Shame of Qi", and was about to narrate the start of their lineage's miserable downfall with a spiteful glee in her voice.

-MK asked her why she was so angry, which just made her more angry.

"Why am I so angry? Oh, I have no idea! Maybe it is because my bastard ex-husband wrote my name onto his oh-so-mystical-scroll and made sure I can't even DIE PROPERLY, boy! I raised his daughter after he divorced me and ran off to fight a war with his sorcerer friends, and this is how he repaid me——" "No, I mean, why are you so angry at people you've never met before? They are your kids and grandkids too, right?" "Exactly! I never got to meet them, and that's why they are a bunch of pathetic, dull-headed degenerates who got played like a fiddle by their own noble clans!" MK severely doubted that. "I never got to set them on the right path, grab them by 'em ears and scold them properly, match them up with good wives that weren't their own half-sister——for heaven's sake, that Duke Xiang, what was he even thinking?!" She paused. When she started speaking again, the indignance had drained away. "I never got to see any of them with me own two eyes, or speak to them, because I wasn't in their ancestral temple. I never got to meet any of them, and now they have been dead for thousands of years, and I…I couldn't even blame all of that on Jiang Ziya."

-For the first time since MK met her, the old woman fell silent. He was about to return to his own crisis of self-confidence when the entire furnace shook and violently toppled over, spilling him out onto the floor with a yelp.

"Go." She said, the tip of her broom still smoking, without sparing a single backward glance. "Scram back to your quarters, boy, before more of the Broom Star's bad luck rubbed off on you——"

-Then the lab's other wing exploded.

-Let's rewind back to the moment before this, when Kui Mulang was holding Tang hostage and threatening Pigsy into destroying his chains with a vial of corrosive chemicals. 

-With no other choice, he complied, and the moment the last chain came apart with a sizzle, Kui Mulang shattered the cangue via his Stellar Beast transformation——but not before trying to stick the dagger into Tang anyways and failing, due to his golden barrier triggering in a panic.

-Turns out, it was these magical chains that truly shackled him and his powers, and the cangue was just additional humiliation. 

"Ah, a thousand thanks to you," the beast's eyes narrowed into a slit, as it turned towards Tang, who was desperately trying to scramble away inside the golden bubble, "Golden Cicada. Now that you are a Bodhisattva, I bet your Body of Manifestation would taste even more divine."

-What ensued was a pure horror movie chase sequence, as the pair ran for their lives, toppling over shelves, throwing anything they could get their hands on at the Stellar Beast in the hope of slowing it down.

-The explosive reaction between two reagents did end up accomplishing that. Not hurting it permanently, but the big bang managed to draw Ma and MK's attention and stopped the former from asking too many questions.

-Turns out, being one of the 28 Lunar Mansions didn't actually protect you from the Broom Star's field of mundane bad luck.

-It wasn't enough to defeat Kui Mulang, and her comet attacks were doing no lasting damage, but he kept missing his targets by a tiny margin, or tripping and falling like a Looney Tunes character, or MK's staff just happened to knock a chunk of the ceiling loose and pin him down briefly…

-The problem was, her bad luck field worked on her allies too, and there were a lot of mutual misses and wacky fails, and the consequences were worse for MK than for their opponent.

-Red Son and Mei were on their way back with Hanzhi when they saw the commotion from afar; they basically dashed right into that one Community meme. 

-Hanzhi assessed the situation briefly, told them she'd deal with Kui Mulang, while they went and grabbed their mortal friends, as well as whatever they needed from the lab, fast. Then she stepped back and unleashed the full might of the Wind Sack.

-The giant AOE attack caught all three combatants, lifted them off the ground, and firmly slammed them into the nearest standing wall, allowing Red Son to grab a very disoriented MK and rush away in the chaos.

-The fight was still ongoing when the gang hurriedly dragged the furnace into their drone, activated Red Son's backdoor key, and blasted off into the mortal realm. It didn't last much longer after the Thunder Bureau reinforcements arrived, led by Heavenly Lord of the Nine Thunders, Wen Zhong.

-Wen Zhong was a loyal man of principle in life, even more so after his deification, when he was basically made the head of the Celestial Justice Department (Thunder Bureau isn't just in charge of weather, but also divine retribution and punishment.)

-He's what a lot of people think Erlang should act like: grim, serious, utterly dedicated to maintaining order and justice, and an absolute powerhouse (he also has a third eye, btw).

-Hanzhi knew she wouldn't be getting any leniency from her senior brother this time, so she didn't even try to argue when he ordered his Thunder Generals to detain everyone involved and take them away for questioning.

-Bi Yuewu was interrupted from his mental breakdown by Star Lord Mao, who, like the majority of officials, had just been released from their end-of-day meeting when the Thunder Bureau received an emergency message from Tusita Heaven and flew off in a hurry.

-Putting two and two together, he quickly guessed that their old squad leader had broken free, and went to gather the rest of the White Tiger Mansion stars for their own emergency meeting. Bi was the first person he seeked out, and the situation…didn't look all that great.

-But Rooster Man, being the good bro he was, listened patiently to Bi's story, and told him it wouldn't be a problem. He'd take Li Zhenying home to her brothers, let them come up with a cover story, while the spider problem…well, that was what his Stellar Beast form was for, wasn't it?

-A few miles below, two tiny spiders, still falling towards the mortal realm, suddenly heard a rooster's crowing and were struck by the worst headache they ever experienced.

[topazadine]

Is there a reason that horses are so important in your stories other than just that you like them? I haven't really seen a fantasy book that has such a focus on them

Thanks for the question!

There are plenty of other fantasy novels that also have a strong focus on horses, like The Green Rider by Kristen Britain and The Eternal Sky series by Elizabeth Bear. In fact, there are dozens of great fantasy books with plenty of horses in them! Goodreads has a whole list of Fantasy Books with Horses if you're interested in that.

Anyway, about The Eirenic Verses and its horses. Firstly, yes, I included horses because I like them. I ride once a week and would go every day if I could afford it!

But there are also worldbuilding reasons for all the horses. Breme's geography is based on Mongolia, which is, of course, known for its horses.

The history between the Mongols and their horses is long and victorious, completely changing the relationship with these animals and spawning inventions that slowly spread to other countries. Mongolian saddlery is one of the oldest examples of tack, and it was this invention of light, rigid-framed saddles and stirrups that allowed them to stay upright on a horse, even turning completely backward to shoot behind them.

Traditional Chinese, Korean, and Japanese saddles have many similarities with Mongolian tack, demonstrating the cultural diffusion from the steppes to the islands.

Mongols were only able to conquer such vast territory because of the incredible maneuvers of their light and heavy cavalry. Their mounted archers would work in a tight formation, retreating and advancing until they fatigued the enemy. This disoriented their opponents and allowed for crushing defeats. I highly recommend you take a look at Namnaa Academy Archers to see these incredible displays in action!

Unlike Bremish soldiers, though, Mongolian warriors had large herds of support horses; each warrior would have multiple mounts they could switch out as one grew fatigued, meaning they could fight for hours or even days without stopping. Absolutely amazing horsemanship.

I chose not to do this because I wanted to focus on the special relationship between horse and rider.

As an aside, Mongolians still keep large herds of up to 200 horses, but many will have their favorites anyway. Most Mongolian nomads have one or two individual horses that they ride regularly, and the others are semi-feral and need to be retrained once they are caught again.

As another aside, I don't use Mongolian horses in my books either. Mine are more like Quarter Horses, as evidenced by the different colorations present. For example, Uileac's horse, Erix, is a palomino. This isn't a common coloration in traditional Mongolian horses.

Back to the main point, though.

Because of this artistic choice in having just one horse per person, it's made clear that battles between Breme and Sina are not protracted affairs across long swathes of territory, but short skirmishes always at the border between the two countries. This way, cavalry can still play a role in rounding up and routing out the Sinan soldiers, but it's not necessary to have constant switches between mounts.

When one's entire culture is built on horsemanship, it wouldn't make sense not to go whole-hog on the horses. They are not just beasts of burden, but trained warriors in their own right.

It takes a long time to teach a horse not to spook when an arrow comes soaring past them or to stay calm during a loud, chaotic battle. Each horse represents a significant investment, especially for a sparsely populated nation with a much smaller army than the enemy.

There is also the fact that treating horses well is one of the best ways to train them, just as with any animal. Old, coercive horse training methods, including hitting and yelling at the animal, would simply not work if you wanted to make a fearless, well-adjusted, loyal mount.

We see this cultural sea change in the incredible backlash against Charlotte Dujardin recently, and I am also personally uncomfortable with the use of aversives like crops and spurs. While it might not necessarily be realistic in an medievalesque setting, it's important to me that I show horses being treated with care and affection, as they deserve.

I wanted to make these training principles clear by infusing a culturewide love and respect for the horses throughout the entire series. That includes one of the major plot points in the upcoming Pride Before a Fall, the Feast of the Horse.

Like Breme, Mongolia has a horse festival; it's called Naadam and has many of the same components, including mounted archery competitions. Going to a Naadam festival is on my bucket list, actually!

Mongolian horses have even been called "celestial horses" because of their incredible hardiness, and they play a special role in the cultural consciousness even today.

So to sum up, I adore horses and absolutely wanted to center them, but there is precedent and purpose behind their utility. Too many fantasy writers simply plop some horses in and don't consider their role in the overall worldbuilding, how they shape the story, or the beautiful relationship between horse and rider, built on trust and love.

While horses play a more significant role in the upcoming second book, Pride Before a Fall, Uileac meets his beloved mare Erix in the first book, 9 Years Yearning, which is available now.

[lurlur]

I've been getting into hockey for the last, like, 16 months. I'm running a little bit of a fever. I'm British so the concept of mascots is a little bit weird to me. Let's do this.

In order of the current whole league standings, as of January 25th 2023:

Rating the NHL mascots

Part 1

Completely arbitrarily! My system makes no sense!

Boston Bruins

Blades the Bruin

Bruin means bear, so this makes sense as a choice. I guess I get what they were going for with the name but it just kinda makes it sound like a low level gangster. Feels like they couldn't decide whether to make a teddy bear or a scary bear and just got an unsettling middle ground. The eyes are very dead.

Vibes: 6/10

Aesthetic: 4/10

Horror: 3/10

Fuckability: 3/10

Overall, 4/10. Not awful, but not great.

Honourable mention for methbear from the winter classic this year. That was a design team that knew how to make choices.

Carolina Hurricanes

Stormy

Stormy is, apparently, a pig. If there's some obvious North Carolina/pig connection, I'm not aware of it. Stormy feels very low effort. The design is weak and lacking in character. It doesn't even look like a good fur suit, tbh. Very big eyes so we're definitely not trying to be intimidating here. Stormy must not be one of those 30-50 feral hogs you used to hear so much about.

Vibes: 5/10

Aesthetic: 2/10

Horror: 0/10

Fuckability: 1/10

Overall, 2/10. Horrible but not for interesting reasons.

New Jersey Devils

NJ Devil

Why does it have abdominal muscles? Clearly, this one is a slut, which I approve of. The name is super uninspired and the design is pretty obvious, but I still find myself on the way to liking it. It's got character and it's not trying to be too human. I know it's not what the New Jersey devil is actually supposed to be, but it looks a horrible kind of fun. What that tongue do?

Vibes: 7/10

Aesthetic: 5/10

Horror: 5/10

Fuckability: 7/10

Overall, 6/10. I don't love it, but I don't hate it either and that's something.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Carlton the Bear

Carlton is named after the street where the old Leafs arena was. And he's an adorable polar bear. Look at him. He's like the coca cola polar bear without the mischief. That's a face you can trust. Looks like he gives great hugs. I would like to find out.

Vibes: 10/10

Aesthetic: 9/10

Horror: 0/10

Fuckability: 8/10

Overall, 7/10, but the lack of horror is a feature and not a bug. So really he's 9/10.

Dallas Stars

Victor E. Green

There's so much to hate here. The name is a bad pun on the Stars "victory green" colours. The character is supposed to be an alien but the design is so lazy. They could have gone in so many directions with this one and instead they just did this. Why even have a mascot if you're going to put this little effort in? No expression. No character. Just green.

Vibes: 2/10

Aesthetic: 2/10

Horror: 1/10

Fuckability: 1/10

Overall, 1.5/10. Very bad showing.

Winnipeg Jets

Mick E. Moose

Someone's trying to get suuuueeedddd! Nah, it's been over a decade and the mouse doesn't appear to have come knocking so I guess the jorts are getting away with it. Mick, here, looks quite the formidable fellow. I like his flying cap and absolutely unhinged expression. I truly believe that he could find me in my dreams and make me regret decisions I haven't even made yet. There's something wrong with him and it looks interesting.

Vibes: 7/10

Aesthetic: 8/10

Horror: 7/10

Fuckability: 8/10

Overall, 7.5/10. Very respectable. I will see you in my nightmares, Mr Moose.

Tampa Bay Lightning

ThunderBug

ThunderBug is a lightning bug. Sensible choice for the Lightning. I've seen him on broadcasts a few times but never been able to ascertain if his butt glows. I think it should and anyone who disagrees is wrong. The first time I saw him, he had a big fake beard and I was not a fan of that look at all. Unadorned, I think he's a decent mix of cute and goofy. He's definitely got some character and energy to him.

Vibes: 7/10

Aesthetic: 7/10

Horror: 1/10

Fuckability: 6/10

Overall, 5/10. Again, lack of horror is not really a negative. This is a pretty good boy.

Vegas Golden Knights

Chance the Gila Monster

Look at this boy. This is what perfection looks like. I think he should be President of the whole world. I would marry him tomorrow. Look at those kind eyes and sweet smile. He could fit my whole head in his mouth and I would thank him. He's literally never done anything wrong in his whole life. You can't see it in this photo, but he even has a very cute tail. Best boy. The only horror would be at the thought that he might not love me.

Vibes: 100/10

Aesthetic: 100/10

Horror: 0/10

Fuckability: 10/10

Overall, perfection. The platonic ideal of mascots.

LA Kings

Bailey

This is Bailey. Bailey is a lion. This is, apparently, a pretty new look for Bailey. He used to look a lot meaner but he underwent cosmetic surgery and now looks like this. I wish that wasn't the story that the Kings used to relaunch a mascot with a difficult history... But here we are. I'm just judging mascots. Bailey looks weird for a lion, too dark, too smiley, not enough teeth. I feel like there's a spark missing here. Something that would bring life and character to Bailey. He's just a bit generic and underwhelming.

Vibes: 5/10

Aesthetic: 4/10

Horror: 2/10

Fuckability: 3/10

Overall, 3.5/10. Could have and should have done better.

Seattle Kraken

Buoy the Troll

New for this season, Buoy the Troll has a lot of attention to detail that I really like. He's got stuff in his hair and ears that tell of a nautical background. I'm pretty sure he fucked a kraken. I feel like "troll" is a cop out in the same way that "alien" is, but Buoy makes it work better. My main gripe with Buoy is that I can't make myself say the name out loud. It's not said the way that I pronounce the word. That bothers me more than it should.

Vibes: 8/10

Aesthetic: 8/10

Horror: 3/10

Fuckability: 2/10

Overall, 5/10. Largely because fuckability goes way down if I can't say your name.

New York Rangers

None

Perfect. No notes. Keep doing what you're doing, sweeties. This is the best way to have a mascot: not at all.

Vibes: immaculate

Aesthetic: unparalleled

Horror: unknowable

Fuckability: Schrödinger's fuckability

Overall, no one else is doing it like the Rangers. And they should. (not you, Vegas. Obviously)

Full disclosure, I fell asleep at this point. So now I have to use the standings as of Thursday 26/01. Deal with it.

Edmonton Oilers

Hunter the Lynx

I hate it. I'm saving you from the image, but please know that this lynx also has sculpted abdominals. Again with the bad fur suit vibes, the face is the stuff of nightmares, I'm deeply upset by the jowls. Should the NHL start hiring furries to design their mascots? MAYBE!

Vibes: 2/10 Aesthetic: 1/10 Horror: 8/10 Fuckability: 1/10 Overall, 3/10. Horrible. Soulless. Bad in a bad way, not even a fun way.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Iceburgh

Mixed feelings here, gotta be honest. Love the name and, obviously, it had to be a penguin. He looks pretty fun. But the beak and eyes are giving me "lifeless glove puppet" energy. He could be more penguiny and less flat. Curse the performer's need to see and breathe, eh?

Vibes: 7/10

Aesthetics: 5/10

Horror: 3/10

Fuckability: 2/10

Overall, 4/10 because he loses out on both horror and fuckability by looking too socklike. Sorry, Iceburgh.

Washington Capitals

Slapshot

Slapshot is a really big seagull eagle. He looks pretty fierce, which is not an expression I'm used to seeing on bald eagles. Beautiful plumage. I like him. Good vibes, I think. No word on whether he also has abs to flash at us, but I'm choosing to believe that he doesn't. It's better this way. I wouldn't trust him not to steal my chips though.

Vibes: 8/10

Aesthetic: 8/10

Horror: 4/10

Fuckability: 8/10

Overall, 7/10. Really decent showing for this birb.

Colorado Avalanche

Bernie the St. Bernard

That's a good boy right there. Look at his little barrel! The face is missing something that I can't quite put my finger on, but I do like the lolling tongue and droopy jowls. Maybe what's missing is copious amounts of drool? Just something to make it look a bit more alive and engaged? I know it's possible, I've seen it on other mascots!

Vibes: 9/10

Aesthetics: 7/10

Horror: 2/10

Fuckability: 3/10

Overall, 5/10. He's a good dog, Brant.

Calgary Flames

Harvey the Hound

What the fuck is this? Why does it have a metre long tongue? (Not gonna lie, that's points in favour for fuckability) You know those vintage photos of kids meeting the easter bunny only it looks like everyone involved was in hell? That's what I'm getting from this. Dead face. Cheap fur suit. He does know how to accessorise though, check that hat/collar/belt combo.

Vibes: 2/10

Aesthetics: 4/10

Horror: 5/10

Fuckability: 5/10

Overall, 4/10. What that tongue do?

Part 2 is here!

[thewadapan]

Circling the drain in Twisters

In an interview with CNN, director Lee Isaac Chung is quoted as saying, "I wanted to make sure that we are never creating a feeling that we're preaching a message, because that's certainly not what I think cinema should be about. I think it should be a reflection of the world." If this is the case, then Lee Isaac Chung is clearly an idiot, because his studious commitment to avoiding anything that could be construed as an ideological statement has seen him create a world where tornadoes are wild beasts—something like a tiger, or a hippopotamus, maybe—which roam the American plains and will hunt you for sport, as opposed to a mindless confluence of meteorological factors. Says one of the characters: "We're having a once-in-a-generation tornado outbreak in Oklahoma. […] It's getting worse every year." An "outbreak", as if this is some freak disaster, a sudden pandemic of unclear origins, and not a predictable trend where each year is the worst year on record. Don't think of it as a microcosm for the meteorological hardships happening all over the world, year after year—think of it more like 30-50 feral hogs, a consistent but localised problem, the kind of thing you can solve by climbing into the back of your pickup truck with an AR-15.

Certainly, it can't have anything to do with climate change, two words which—despite scriptwriter Mark L. Smith's assurance that the film would "shine a light on […] the causes and effects of climate change"—go completely unmentioned in the entire 122 minute runtime of this dumpster fire.

Pass through the eye of the "Keep reading" button below to see the rest of my blustering.

I know that everyone is sick of ecological stories. I know that, if we're being bluntly honest, all the movies and books and comics and thinkpieces in the world don't mean a fucking thing to the blood-soaked oil industry or our ghoulish politicians. I can understand the instinct to flinch away from the aesop. But to put it as simply as I can: there is no way to neutrally talk about the weather. To even try is to fail, because you end up coming off like a climate denialist.

Oh yeah, this film is also dogshit on pretty much every other level you can conceive of. From the opening prologue, which introduces protagonist Kate's hi-and-die friends, the film is constantly two steps behind the audience, as it clumsily plays out the most paint-by-numbers plotting you can predict in your sleep. You know these people are going to die, you can divine the fucking order they'll be killed off in. And still, on a pure spectacle level, this prologue is about as exciting as the film will ever manage to be; every subsequent bit of tornado action is just a bloodless encore, devoid of stakes or novelty, just CGI nonsense completely divorced from any kind of spatial grounding (in one scene, an oil refinery sort of just appears from nowhere so that the tornado can blow it up).

The film's main conflict is between a team of meteorologists led by Kate's old friend Javi, and a crew of redneck storm-chasers led by a YouTuber "tornado wrangler", Tyler. While I wouldn't say that these groups are overtly representatives of "science" and "gut feeling" respectively—because again, Lee Isaac Chung is a spineless filmmaker who clearly wouldn't know substance if he ate a brownie laced with it—their differing approaches to storm-chasing are contrasted throughout the film. To begin with, we're led to trust Javi's team because of his existing rapport with Kate, their professionalism and preparation, their apparently noble goals, and their class status as white-collar engineer-types. Meanwhile, Tyler's gang are initially presented as stupid, reckless, dangerous, opportunistic, money-motivated, and backwards.

But then, aha, here comes the movie's one (1) twist! (And here I thought the whole titular basis of the movie was that there'd be multiple.) It turns out that actually the rednecks have only been selling all those T-shirts to charitably fund disaster relief, food for the victims of tornadoes. Actually, YouTuber Tyler is a really good storm chaser, and he's also quite caring, and also hot. Meanwhile, the scientists are actually in the pockets of land baron Marshall Rigg, who's profiteering from the tornados by buying victims' property from them for rock-bottom prices in the wake of devastation. For a moment, it actually seems as if Marshall Rigg is some kind of MCU supervillain with an evil master plan to create his own tornadoes and take over the entire USA—because that's the kind of level of reality this film is operating on. If this truly is a "reflection of the world", as Chung claims, then it's a funhouse mirror- no, a flimsy plastic compress, free with a girls' magazine, a paper sticker inside, printed with the face of a beautiful cowgirl.

This "what if the bad guys… were good!" twist isn't really a reveal, so much as it is the script turning these people into completely different characters. They start out as cardboard-cutout trailer-trash, hooting and grinning, and then they are substituted out for an entirely different set of cardboard cutouts, doe-eyed.

The character writing in this film is absolutely embarrassing. In one scene, Kate and Tyler end up at a motel when the tornado sirens start going off. The other people at the motel, ignoring this, continue complaining to the receptionist. "Nine times out of ten, it's a false alarm," one of them says. The power goes out, causing the siren to stop. "You hear that? No tornado." Another anonymous alien says to the receptionist, "Hey, I don't want to give you a bad review." Then a tornado rips the roof off the place. They run outside. The first person is yelling, "There's a tornado! There's a tornado!" Then gets sucked up and killed. Look, nevermind the mean-spiritedness of it, nevermind the misanthropy—what sane writer would ever think that real people would actually behave this way? The script is constantly tripping over itself to make sure you get the jokes; here, the joke is that the woman thought there wasn't a tornado, but then she realised that actually there was.

I recall another example from earlier in the film: when Kate and Tyler are still competing, two tornadoes appear, and the rival storm chasers wind up splitting up, each going after a different one. Just as it seems like Tyler is coming up into the eye of his storm—suddenly, the whole thing dissipates, as though it was never there. They get out of the vehicle, and he looks over the horizon, where Kate's tornado is still swirling. And Tyler's pal says, "We should've went with her." Buddy, I am watching the fucking screen! You can see it right on his face that he should've went with her, you don't need to have one of your characters blurt it aloud. Are you scared I've fallen asleep in the ten seconds since someone last spoke?

God, I haven't even talked about the romance yet! Throughout the movie, YouTuber Tyler keeps popping up around Kate, and you can tell the filmmakers really don't want you to think about the fact that this plotting contrivance basically just implies he's stalking her everywhere. Kate reveals herself to be a country girl at heart. Tyler reveals himself to know about science and stuff, through dialogue where he reels off complicated jargon which you figure probably isn't accurate, or if it is, is the kind of basic meteorology the scriptwriter could piece together by poking around on Wikipedia for a couple of hours. The film doesn't actually give a fuck about science, or the scientific method, or meteorology, because in this movie science is a glossy CGI simulation of a twister which our heroes plug numbers into until the whole thing flashes green or whatever. It's telling, I think, that the onscreen simulation and the CGI twisters themselves are no different from one another—it's all artifice, isn't it, intangible particle effects swirling around, signifying nothing.

People seem to be going mad over Glen Powell in this thing, but come on, are you really satisfied by this sexless nothingburger of a romance? They don't even fucking kiss, right? All blockbusters are like this. I'm starving. This film can't even be bothered to crystallise a proper love triangle between Javi, Kate, and Tyler, even though you can tell it's thinking about it. It's as if the film itself knows it wouldn't even be compelling if it tried. Considering the absolutely abominable emotional manipulation Javi uses to get Kate onboard with the project—which the film never seems to quite become cognizant of—it's for the best anyway. "Hey, remember how your boyfriend and your best friends all died right in front of you? Well if you don't come help me by putting yourself in that exact same situation again, loads more people are going to die like that too!" Unhinged. Put that man in the twister, and the filmmakers too.

So yeah, I think I hate this flick. It's a movie that exists to soothe the conscience of its audience: see, we don't really hate the South, it's not our fault the planet is trying to blast us off the face of it, we're all trying our best. Let's watch a rodeo or something. It's the kind of film that can lull you to sleep, like a final, fatal injection.

Rating: 2/10

If you’ve enjoyed this review, you can find dozens of similar essays over on my Letterboxd account.

[illegiblehandwriting1]

lowkey in the middle of planning an angst Sky fic (sky and warriors centric, ghirahim involved) any advice for writing?

*SCREAMS* that sounds AWESOME my dude!!!

um. uhhhhhhhh shit. writing advice??? i can try????? idk what sort of advice you want or need

what i do is i say "ok heres what i want in this chapter. this is the Big Idea." maybe there's two Big Ideas. maybe there's more. but if i know where i'm going, and i know how the fic ends, then it's easier to figure out how i want to get there. you don't even need a clear-cut ending!! you don't need specifics, you can just say "this is generally how i want these guys to be" but you can't start mapping without a destination, in both a chapter and the fic as a whole. that's pretty much what i've learned

if you want character advice, what i do is break them down into their parts and show myself "this is what happened to them, this is how they reacted, which means that they have this kind of mentality and these attributes" idk also just look at how other people portray them lol. if you don't like that, go hog wild, i guess!

if you're writing a character in pain, i reblogged a post a bit ago about it that i actually found really helpful (it honestly might still be in the queue hold on a sec, yes it was in the queue here ya go) i also have the messiest fucking tagging system, but i might have some stuff in #writing things

and just in general, have fun with it!! don't think that you need to check any specific boxes. say "fuck it" out loud, with a giant smile on your face, and let yourself write. imagine what you want to explain, and then put that feeling, or that place or person or thought into words (just make sure you take care of yourself, especially when writing angst lmao). Seriously!! there is no obligations, it's just you and what you want to create

and don't beat yourself up. chances are, it will be better than you give yourself credit for.

(also btw your fic sounds really really really cool, if you could tag me or send me a link if you publish it, i would be forever indebted to you because that is SUCH a cool story idea and i'm gonna go feral over it, i love that SO MUCH)

if you have any other questions, or you want advice on something else more specific that i didn't talk about, don't hesitate to ask!! idk how valuable my advice is, but i'll try my best if you really want it. a lot of this is just stuff i do, i don't really know if it makes sense or if it's useful or anything, but i like helping, so if this helps, then awesome!

hope you're doing well!!!

[wajjs]

HalJohn for the meme!

ask game

who hogs the duvet

Neither! Or, occasionally, Hal when he's too exhausted by existence.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

John. He is a very caring and mindful person and he knows, he just knows, if he leaves Hal alone for too long he's going to go feral again. Hal is like a recently domesticated cat.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

John, again. Hal will show up with green construct flowers and a pathetic smile all cold and wet and shivering asking to be let in while John will reconstruct a replica of the mosaic and place their love at the center of it just to show how much love and passion he feels.

who gets up first in the morning

They're both morning hoes, so they get up at roughly the same time and start the day together.

who suggests new things in bed

They take turns challenging each other, but usually Hal is the bolder one.

who cries at movies

Hal. He tries to hide it but John sees right through him and just rubs Hal's back until Hal melts into it and forgets about being embarrassed. It takes a lot to make John cry while watching movies, mostly because he's focused on Hal and not so much the movie.

who gives unprompted massages

Hal. He loves that they come with a 50/50 chance of ending in the best sex they've had that day.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

John is ready. He is CAPABLE and he WILL take care of Hal. He will make soup. He will bake homemade bread. He will give Hal EVERYTHING. Hal will try to do the same. He kind of succeeds... via passing the tissues, making sure John takes his meds, etc.

who gets jealous easiest

Yes.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

Hal. He is not allowed to have the aux cable.

who collects something unusual

John. He loves to collect stuff that is meaningful to him, he doesn't care if it won't mean anything to anyone else.

who takes the longest to get ready

Neither of them, they have a routine even for picking clothes and it's not like they have that many items to pick from either.

who is the most tidy and organised

Yes.

who gets most excited about the holidays

They both get melancholic and taciturn before they start getting very reluctant to spend time away from each other. Neither is particularly excited about holidays, but they do like to spend them together in peace whenever peace is possible.

who is the big spoon/little spoon

Hal is the little spoon <3<3<3

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

They get SO competitive it is an explicit rule that John and Hal CAN'T be on opposite teams.

who starts the most arguments

Hal. He's a bitchy argumentative bastard.

who suggests that they buy a pet

Neither!!!!!! Not because they wouldn't know how to take care of it, but because they're never around long enough to actually successfully take care of another living thing. Unless you count Itty, but Itty can take care of itself.

what couple traditions they have

Whatever traditions they have, most of them are private and they keep them to themselves. One of them is slow dancing to "human touch" by Bruce Springsteen.

what tv shows they watch together

They don't care for tv shows

what other couple they hang out with

Any other GL couple.

how they spend time together as a couple

When they get time to rest, they spend it chilling together and fucking. Fucking a lot. Everywhere. No surface is safe. Not even the air is safe. Or they go out for walks or the library or museums if they're back on earth.

who made the first move

John, because he knows that if it's up to Hal, Hal will be content with playing gay chicken for the rest of existence.

who brings flowers home

Hal. As explained in the gift question. They're not even real flowers! John loves him though.

who is the best cook

They both are skilled enough as cooks. Not the best. But not the worst.

[crowo08]

okay.

so.

The phrase 30-50 feral hogs is a funny phrase.

HOWEVER.

They're also a huge fucking problem in the rural US.

Basically, the hogs we have here for food (big dumb european hogs) escaped and mated with some of the native hogs (small smart mean hogs) and created big smart mean hogs.

Which, even if you are the most city mouse little bitch possible (like me), should put the fear of god himself into you.

A fence won't work. They'll break the fucking fence.

An AR is kind of the only viable solution here.

I'm all for gun control! Less guns! Please! Give less guns to the police! Don't give guns to kids! Background checks! Stricter selling laws!

But this man is one of the only people in the US who can actually say "I need an AR."

[writingseaslugs]

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Lounge! I'm the owner, and you can call me either Salt or Slug, whichever suits your fancy (They/He). This is a side blog for all my fandom writing. I'm currently whipping up drinks for Twisted Wonderland and Obey Me, but Genshin Impact might soon join the menu as well.

This is your directory for all the locations of my Lounge, so please continue on if you'd like to sip on some of the cocktails. Please keep in mind that this is an 18+ bar, so if you're under the age of 18, please leave and return once you're the proper age to sit at our bar.

Request Information | AU Information | Tips on Writing Headcanons | How To Start Your Own Request Blog | Mini Smut Writing Tutorial

Here's our bar, where we have themed menus. We do have some virgin drinks, that are always marked with SFW, and then our hard liquor that's marked with NSFW. If you'd like to make a custom order, please look over our bar rules before making your order!

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Here's a few regulars that often come up to the bar and chat, or even order (If you'd like to have a custom anon name, please ask in the inbox so I can add it to the list. No Emoji's Please):

Floyd's-Dick-In-A-Box Anon

Long Island Iced Tea Anon

At this bar we are kind to one another, and treat everyone with respect. Please be kind to one another while you're here, and not judge. There might sometimes be triggering topics brought up in conversation or writing, but there will always be a warning to let you know before you click it.

This is an 18+ bar and we have several harder drinks here. Again, there will always be a warning as to what the story is so you can decide if you'd like to order the drink. If it's not to your taste, don't drink it. Don't complain just because you disliked it, please. Everyone likes different drinks.

We also don't tolerate people remaking my drinks and serving it at other blogs. Again do not repost or copy my content onto other platforms. I have an AO3 that I sometimes post on, "BleepSheeps".

If there's anything you don't want to see, we have custom tags here that you can block. The tags are as follows:

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- Slug Reblogs Stuff: This is the tag I'll be using for all my reblogs.

- Slug Polls: This is for whenever I'm doing a poll and need input on what's going to be written and posted next on the blog!

- Slug Announcements: Whenever I make announcements about things going on in the blog, this will be used from now on. If you want to be kept up to date on what's going on and future plans, don't block this tag. If you really don't care about what's going on, then by all means, block it.

If you only want to see written content on my blog, then simply block all the hashtags above. If you want to see everything I have to offer, then don't. It's up to you to customize what you see.

If you're thinking about starting your own bar, then I have a few helpful tips and tutorials on how you can get started!

Starting a Request Blog

Tips on Writing Headcanons

Mini Smut Writing Tutorial

[jerry-hornes-foot]

steve teasing a needy reader ? 👀

Okay I'm sorry but this ask drove me absutely fucking hog wild feral, like completey fucking insane

1313 words

18+ only

Smut

Steve Harrington x Gender Neutral Reader

Tags: dom/sub; sub!reader; dom!steve; flirting; teasing; begging; offensive language; bondage mention; outdoor sex

A sudden loud swell of music snaps you out of a daydream, making you realise you've barely been paying attention the last 20 minutes. Your eyes refocus on the screen, and you're making a vague attempt to catch up on the dialogue when Steve leans in and whispers in your ear,

"This movie fucking stinks."

You don't really want to admit it as it was you that fought to see this one, but it really is bad. Not even laughably bad, just mind numbingly dull.

"Oh my god it's so bad." You say with a quiet laugh. "Should we just go?"

"Nah we made it this far, didn't we? Besides... there's other things we can do to keep us entertained."

Steve's hand appears on your leg, his fingertips slowly edging their way up your thigh. Your face starts to feel hot as your blood starts rushing.

"Steve!"

"What?" He whispers, feigning innocence as he leans in and starts to kiss your neck.

"We can't!" You protest, trying to ignore the warmth spreading below Steve's rogue fingertips. "Someone might see us."

"Oh, you're right." He says, sitting up and looking around the empty theatre. "I mean it's packed to the rafters in here, I can barely hear you over the roar of the crowd."

"Very funny. What about the guy who was sitting down-"

"Gone." Steve interjects. "He left about a half hour ago."

You take another look around the room. The full theatre is totally empty. The two of you are completely alone, and there's got to be at least 20 minutes or so left before the credits. Unlikely you'd be disturbed."

"Okay then." You whisper, trying your best not to sound too excited.

Steve's hand stops still right at the top of your thigh, it's taking every ounce of willpower you have not to grind into his hand.

"No, no." He says, a smug grin spreading over his face, "You're right, we shouldn't."

His hand lingers, fingertips barely grazing the crotch of your jeans.

"I never said that!"

"Oh yes you did! You said we couldn't and you're absolutely right!" Steve leans in close to you, close enough that your lips just barely brush over his for a second before he whispers, "You'll just have to wait."

You practically run out of the theatre when the credits start to roll, so eager to get Steve home and into bed. If you can even manage to wait that long. The stairs would do just fine. Fuck it, maybe even the front porch. It's dark when you get outside, it seems as though you must be the last customers to leave. The two of you set off towards home but you've barely gone a few steps before Steve turns and steps in front of you,

"Hold on a second." He says, grabbing you by the shoulders and pushing you back into the alley behind the theatre.

He pushes your back up against the wall, his knee slipping between your legs so that you're straddling his thigh. He lifts a hand and cups your face gently, tipping your chin and leaning his mouth in close to yours. Just as your eyes start to close in anticipation of the feeling of his lips touching yours, Steve lifts something into your eyeline. You look over to see he's holding two popcorn kernels between his fingers.

"You spilled some popcorn on your shirt." He says, with a weak attempt to cover the fact that he's laughing, then turns on his heel and begins walking towards the house.

"Hey!" You shout, running after him. "That's not fair!"

"What's not fair?" He teases. "Oh you thought- ? What in a dirty alley behind a movie theatre? I really never thought you were the type."

He turns off suddenly down the path that leads to the trail through the woods.

"Where are you going? We live this way."

Steve turns and looks at you with a knowing smirk.

"Thought you'd want to go the scenic route."

You both know that the so-called "scenic route" through the woods took at least an extra 10 minutes, if you really put your mind to it, but Steve seemed more than happy to take the walk at a more gentle pace. He strolls on ahead of you, drowning out your protests with a chirpy whistle.

It feels as though you've walked miles and you're still not even half way home. You've done this walk a thousand times before, but this is the longest it's ever felt. You can still hear Steve whistling behind you. In an attempt to make your frustrations known you have stormed on ahead, stomping angrily through the leaves to really drive your point home. After a while Steve's footsteps quicken and you feel him grow closer. His arms wrap around you from behind and pull you close, stopping you in your tracks.

"What's made you so grumpy, huh?"

His arms squeeze tightly around your ribcage.

"You know exactly what." You say huffily.

Even without looking you can tell Steve is smiling.

"I haven't the slightest idea what you mean."

As he says that, one of his hands slips down and pushes in between your legs, he tenses his hand making you whine, grinding your hips against him pathetically before he slips his hand away and releases his grip. The second you're free you spin around and grab onto the fabric of his jacket, pushing him up against the nearest tree.

"I can't take it anymore, Harrington, you've got to fuck me."

"We're not even halfway home." He laughs.

"Don't care. I can't wait that long. Fuck me right here. Fling me on the ground and just fuck me, right here, in the mud."

Steve's eyes widen, the smile on his face growing even larger, mouth dropping open slightly in disbelief.

"God you're so desperate."

"Yes, yes I am, alright? I'll do anything, I'll beg you, I don't care I just need to you to touch me, please!"

Steve's back is pressed up against the bark of the tree, with the weight of your body pressed against his. You're trying your best to straddle his knee again, to get some semblance of relief by humping his leg like a horny dog, but he's standing perfectly straight to deny you the satisfaction.

"God you're fucking hot when you're desperate." He says. "I was looking forward to fucking you when we got home but honestly, I think I'd be wasting a good opportunity."

Steve grabs hold of your chin and holds your head firmly in place, keeping his eyes locked on yours.

"Maybe I'll just tie you up, huh, how about that? Jerk myself off while I make you watch, so fucking hungry for me but with nothing you can do about it.

You whine. Its loud and pathetic, you don't even bother to try and hide it.

"Or maybe we could stay out here, wait and see how long it takes you to get on your knees."

"I'll do it, anything you want I'll do it, just please fuck me, touch me, anything!" Your voice is trembling.

Steve releases your face from his grip and you drop to your knees instantly, gripping the fabric of his jeans and staring up at him,

"Please Steve, come on, I'm literally on my knees here begging you, take me right here I'm all yours."

Steve beams. Reaching down, he grabs your hands and pulls you back to your feet. Holding your face in his hands he pulls you close and kisses you. Your hands grab desperately at his body, hungry to pull him closer to you. When he pulls away from you for a moment you feel as though you could scream. The tension wracks your body and makes you feel woozy. Steve stares down into your eyes and smiles again,

"I'm going to fucking ruin you."

[wordsbymae]

Eli Finch Alphabet 18+

Bastard, feral man! I literally conjured this man into my mind involuntarily and now he's stuck there. First time I've done something like this so hopefully you guys like it! I've based this on an alphabet template I saw credited to @/dear-yandere. I will probably do a much more in-depth one, about how he met the reader and some background info, but I thought this would be a good starter! Also, there is a bit of an NSFW section but I'll warn you before :) Also swearing!!! I see him as Jack O'Connell but see him as you like! 18+

Also, I haven't published the majority of the story yet so most of this is just can be seen as a character study as I have left some things a bit vague to not spoilt potential future plots. If you want to read the beginning of his series go here!

Okay before we get into it, let's cover the basics.

Eli is a bastard through and through. His early years were not kind and in order to survive, he did what he needed to do. Stealing, lying, cheating, violence, manipulation, etc. Now I know what you're wondering, but why does the reader care so much for him? Why do they seem to not care about his more violent tendencies? Simple, he refuses to let you see that side of him. Ever since you showed him a crumb of kindness he vowed to always protect you and that means protecting you from the sides of him that border on monstrous. That doesn't mean he won't use his skills for your benefit. We've seen that he is more than willing to lie, cheat and steal to get you whatever your heart desires.

Those jewels look real pretty on you sweetheart

Also, he is a naturally charismatic person and while he hates the idea of physically hurting you or you seeing him be violent, he has no moral objections to using his charms to manipulate you. In fact, he's been manipulating you since the first moment you met. Although it has been in small, innocent-seeming ways, he's been in control of your friendship since the beginning. Not that you had any idea though.

You wouldn't want to break my heart now would you darling?

NSFW:

This man is a fucking massive perv. He's been thinking of fucking you since the day he got an accidental sneak peek down by the river (okay so maybe it wasn't an accident as he claims). But I'm not just talking about just thinking about it, I mean he takes active steps to get as much intimacy from you as possible (even before his change). Whether it be from you yourself, hugging a bit too long and too tight and leaning a bit too close behind you when you are kneading dough.

But sweetheart! I'm just giving you a hand! Don't you want me to give you a helping hand?

Or the way he forces intimacy with you via your things.

You two are sitting up in your room, teaching him to read

You are doing so well!

Do you really think so darling? With all this hard work I think I deserve a reward. How bout a kiss?

When you suddenly get called away by your parents. Hogs to be fed, chickens to be plucked. He doesn't mind, it gives him some alone time with your things. Your soiled clothes, your pretty undergarments and all the time in the world to imagine what you would look like bent over your desk in the corner.

He may love and cherish you but if you think that's gonna stop him from fucking your undergarments (I hate the world panties and we use the word undies in Australia, so argue with a wall, also it's the 1800s) and putting them back like nothing happened your dead wrong.

Then there's the brothel (let's all ignore the existence of STI/Ds please and thank you). After a particularly hard and restless day of trying not to fuck you like an animal bent over the closest surface he can find or hell even the floor, Eli is forced to look elsewhere. He'll take a nice stroll down to the brothel, there he'll find whichever worker looks the most like you

(Also I just want to say sex workers deserve respect. fun fact sex workers in the wild west were often quite rich and would build a lot of the infrastructure of a town, that was why prostitution was outlawed to stop them from gaining a lot of money.)

He'll imagine fucking you the entire time, and will definitely cry out your name throughout the entire thing. The first few times he got the worker to say things like how much you loved him and how you would let him take care of you, but the voice didn't match up so since then the only sound that can be heard is his grunts and moans, and your name being cried out. The worker doesn't mind, they get paid well with all the money Eli stole from the other patrons at the bar.

And this was all before he got turned.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A = Affection (How do they show their love and affection?)

Oh boy. If there is one thing that defines Eli, it's the length he would go to show you affection. Quite a large part of this is his belief that it is right and proper for a man to provide for those they love. While Eli didn't have a very good childhood, he did have a good father. A strong and devout man who would do anything for his family (even get killed). So this idea of providing for someone was heavily ingrained into Eli from a young age.

However, he missed the lesson about right and wrong. I spoke before about his criminal ways, most of which he keeps hidden away from you. But he will use his skills to pinch small shiny trinkets to place just outside your window when you get mad at him. Blackmail to make sure you are crowned Autumn harvest Queen/King, and his disregard for personal property when he rips pretty flowers from Mrs Colton's garden to give you when you came running to tell him you were to be crowned the Autumn Harvest King/Queen.

Did you hear Eli! Can you believe it? Me!

Of course I believe it, sweetpea! How could they choose anyone else?

And that's not even getting into the amount of physical affection he gives you. Kisses on cheeks, surprise hugs from behind, playing with your hair as you lay along the bank of the river and all the while oblivious you thinking that's just what friends do.

B = Blood (How messy are they willing to get when it comes to you?)

man oh man, you have no idea. Before the change, Eli was already a violent man. Constantly picking fights with anyone who got in his way. Most of the time there wasn't even a good reason for him to break jaws or noses. He just wanted a fight. But if he needed to defend you? If you were threatened in some way? It would be a bloodbath. He would have either just gone straight for his revolver or if he knew he could win, his bare hands would do. Thankfully there had never been a reason for him to defend you. You would never be seen in the areas where Eli lurked looking for trouble, and those you were in the company of were good God-fearing folk.

But after his change? Even a man looking at you for too long would cause him to snap. Not only was he more aggressive now, but he was also a downright predator. Before the change, he would have just started the fight then and there. But now? He would watch and wait, stalk his prey until the opportune moment to strike. These moments were often along dark alleyways or narrow pathways along the outskirts of town. His favourite moments to attack were out on the plains, that way he could take as long as he wanted and didn't have to worry about anyone hearing the screams.

C = Cruelty (How would they treat you? Would they mock/tease you?)

Eli is definitely someone who would tease, but not mock. He's not a very cruel person, at least to you. To you, he is the almost perfect gentleman. Almost, because he looks through his fingers when you ask him to cover his eyes when you get changed down by the river. But other than his less-than-savoruy ways, he truly is a gentleman to you. He is kind and sweet, always pushes in your chair, opens doors, and pays for anything you buy when you go out together. He definitely teases though. He will tease you about anything, what and how you say things, what your wearing, how you act around people

Careful darling, keep acting like that and that boy is gonna think he has a chance at the heaven between your legs

Aw, come on sweetheart! I'm only telling the truth! It's not my fault boys like him are dimwits who think they have a chance. We both know he's never gonna get between your legs. You're too good for a man like that, I mean you're as pretty as a Georgia peach and twice as sweet!

Pretty much all the time his teasing could be called flirting. Which it is, he is flirting with you. Unfortunately for him, you've been friends for so long that you've just decided that it's just his way of being friends.

That is the extent of his cruelty with you, sometimes he does take it further but that's for another time. On the other hand, his cruelty to others has no limit. I mentioned above he enjoys when he can take his time with those he kills. I won't say much, but I will say he is pretty handy with a knife.

D = Darling (Would they do anything against your will?)

Fuck no, not outright forcing you to do things. I mentioned previously he had a good father figure and that was the first thing his father ever taught him. Real men don't force themselves on others. But let's be real this is the 1800s and consent wasn't as black and white as it is/should be today. While a maybe isn't a yes today, telling him maybe is like giving him a free pass. And I don't exclusively mean sexual or intimate things. It can be as simple as jumping from the rope swing by the creek or sneaking out with him to much much bigger things. I mentioned before he doesn't mind manipulating you to get what he wants from you.

However!!!!!! As soon as a no or a stop leaves your mouth he is stopping instantly. He takes his pleasure in being able to make you say yes of your own accord, not forcing it.

I think there are instances when he might manhandle you a bit to rein you in but they are when he is at the end of his rope and has run out of patience.

E = Exposed (How much of their heart do they bare to you? How vulnerable are they when it comes to you?)

Eli acts like a very confident and arrogant person, which he is, but there is sadness within him on the act of his childhood. You know hardly anything. He refuses to tell you anything other than the very basics and even then he has shifted than a bit. It is the 1800s so anything seen as a weakness in emotion is looked down upon. Although Eli knows you wouldn't do that to him but it is so ingrained in him that it would be many more years before the whole story is revealed.

F = Fight (How would they feel if you fought them?)

Physically? He would just laugh. Even before his change, this man was working as a ranchhand and stockman. He has spent years working hard and fighting anything that looked his way. So when play fighting began it wasn't long before you were calling for mercy, although he often pretends to not hear you so he could spend a few more moments pressed up tight against your ass and hands gripped tightly round your waist or chest. You always get mad that he keeps his switchblade in his pocket when you wrestle (it isn't his pocket knife). After the change, there was no question he would win, even if you threatened him with a gun or knife that the same laugh would come through and you would know that you were in for a long night.

G = Game (How much of this is a game to them?)

This man's whole life is one big game. He is constantly looking for ways to joke around and have some fun but don't be mistaken. He may tease and cause mischief but this man can switch between fun and games to a steal-hearted killer in a moment. It all depends on who he is dealing with.

H = Hell (What would be your worst experience with them?)

I have some things in the works regarding this, but one that sticks out is the moment you realise that he isn't the same Eli you knew and loved and that there was no way for him to change back. It would involve lotta blood and gore and the crumbling realisation that you might never have known Eli at all.

I = Ideals (What kind of future do they have in mind for/with you?)

Eli has it all mapped out. A fancy homestead on a hill with white shutters and pretty blue doors. A few 80 acres for some steers and some mares. A pretty garden out the front for you and a large red barn for him (filled with chains and shackles). He wants enough room for all the kids he plans to have (he has yet to ask you how many if you want any at all). He wants you to name them all, he thinks it's only fair since he's gonna change your last name (oh how gentlemanly). He really just wants what was taken from him when he was a child. This time is gonna be different though, this time he will be strong enough to protect his family (like his father should have been)

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?)

Oh yeah, this boy gets jealous. I went into it a bit above. After the change, it really only takes someone looking at you wrong to set him off. He'll stalk them all the way to their home, and just before they set foot on their property he's dragging them off into the wilds for a quick lesson in manners.

K = Kisses (How do they act around you?)

He is constantly checking you out. Always watch what you're doing and offering to help in any way. Teases like it's his fucking job. Joking around about how your father hasn't married you off yet (never gonna fucking happen, there's a reason your father doesn't ask suitors over anymore) and if both of you are still without spouses by a certain age you should just marry each other (wow so subtle)

I think it's a great idea sweet cheeks. I mean think about it! We're already the best of friends, why can't we just be the best of friend's in our marital bed!

ow! No need to hit so hard darling, if you wanted me to get on my knees you only had to ask.

L = Love letters (How would they go about courting or approaching you?)

This man has been courting you since day one, you are just too much of an oblivious idiot to see it. I have said this before and I'll keep saying it until the cows come home, this man would steal the crown jewels for you. He's been leaving you trinkets outside your window for years now, sometimes wildflowers and sometimes whole clothing he's nabbed from someone's laundry line.

Oh, how you wound me, darling! Refusing to try on the fruits of my hard labour! Come on sweetheart, for me? I promise I won't peek.

He definitely peeks and has to excuse himself to take care of a situation behind the stables.

M = Mask (Are their true colours drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?)

Oh yeah, I think I've explained it enough so I won't go too in-depth but it's really night and day. You get all the best of Eli, all his kindness and love. Those who aren't so lucky get the worst.

N = Naughty (How would they punish you?)

*good girl/boy is used*

Not physically, unless you did something he really didn't like, but in small (toxic) ways. You no longer get little trinkets outside your window, he isn't waiting at the river for you and he won't talk to you when you do see him. He acts like you don't exist. After a few days of this torture, it's too much for you. You've been crying yourself to sleep and you can't take any more. You sneak out in the middle of the night to confront him. As soon as you see him you burst into tears. All he does is take you in his arms and slowly pat your back.

Have you learned your lesson now sweet pea? No more talking with that boy, alright? We don't want him getting ideas do we peaches? Good girl/boy

Oh my goodness I nearly forgot!! This man would have a thing for spanking you. I mean you bent over his knees with his hands all over that ass? Say no more. But I think this would only come in when you do something that could have ended in you getting hurt.

I thought I told you to never do that without me, darling. Stop your crying now, there's no way you're getting out of this one. So be a good girl/boy for once and do as your told

O = Oppression (How many rights would they take away from you?)

*primarily female reader*

Welp, it's the 1800s so if you're a woman (or really anyone other than a white man) boy do I have some bad news for you. Can't really take away rights you don't have. If he were to take rights away, it would all be legal in the sense that as your husband (it was bound to happen really) he really has the last say. So if you try and make a run for it, you'll just be sent right back. On the other hand, it could be a lot worse for you. It just wasn't a great time to be a woman in America (or anywhere really).

P = Patience (How patient are they with you?)

For you? He has all the time in the world. He is more than happy to partake in anything that takes your fancy, even if it may be seen as annoying by others or something seemingly pointless like showing him a rock you found. When it relates to you it's the most important thing in the world. However, put yourself in harm's way or god forbid flirt with another man, things will hit the fan. Not towards you though, no his anger is directly targeted at the fucker who thinks it's ok to flirt with another man's claim.

Q = Quit (If you die or leave would they ever be able to move on?)

Nope, no, never. If you die then that's it, game over. He'll probably mourn for you in the wildness of the north in some forest thousands of miles away from anything that reminds him of you. If you leave???? It doesn't matter if you went to the ends of the earth and back, Eli will drag you back kicking and screaming right back to where you belong, underneath beside him.

All in all, it's you or nothing.

R = Regret (Would they ever feel guilty about abducting you? Would they ever let you go?)

Can't really get into this yet, but I think a very very very small part of him would feel guilt but the majority of him is just overjoyed to have you as his, finally.

S = Stigma (What brought about this side of them [childhood, curiosity, etc]?)

Oh, definitely childhood but that's another story for another day.

T = Tears (How do they feel about seeing you scream, cry, and/or isolate yourself?)

It depends on what type of crying. I think some light tears would result in some teasing.

Come on peaches am I really that bad? Here I thought you liked me. You sure seemed to like me last night. How bout we stop these tears and have some fun?

but ugly sobbing? That's a different story. He is a true protector at heart so it would cause some emotional damage to him. Although it does give him a good excuse to get close to you.

Screaming? He would find it a bit silly and ridiculous. You've known each other for years so this is no way friends act around each other. This is where I see the manhandling come into effect

Is this really how your gonna act? Like a child? I think your way past acting like that at your age. But If I need to put you in your place, so be it

Isolating yourself? How? this man is in your business 24/7. You can't even try to ignore him, he's just so annoying

U = Unique (Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?)

I can't really think of anything at this stage. There are so many good writers out there with all their own little quirks added into their writing so I really don't know how Eli differs. If I had to make a choice, it would be that his yandere tendencies aren't really acted upon you but onto those around you. if that makes sense? If he never turned, you might never have known how willing to kill for you he was.

V = Vice (What weakness can you exploit in order to escape?)

Lust for sure! This man has wanted to fuck you for years. He's so horny for you, he couldn't see a trap being laid from a mile away.

Well, would you look at that! Ain't that a pretty sight! And all for me? you spoil me, darling!

(flashforward to him being knocked out by a wile e. coyote-looking trap with his pants around his ankles)

W = Wit’s end (Would they ever physically hurt you?)

Not in an extreme sense but a little punishment for trying to do something dangerous he told you to never ever do? Oh yeah. You'll be bent over his knee quicker than you can say I'm sorry.

X = Xoanon (How much would they revere or worship you? To what length would they go to win you over?)

This man worships the hell out of you. You were the first person to show him kindness after his tragic childhood. Since then you are the apple of his eye. He would do anything for you, no questions asked. You tell him some people have been rude to you, and he'll ask how many graves he needs to dig. Moreover, your body? His temple. That place between your legs? The altar on which he worships you. This man is a simp.

Y = Yearn (How long do they pine after you before they snap?)

This one is quite tricky. If he never turned, I think he might have never really "snapped". I think he would have eventually told you what he really felt and it would have been a happily ever after situation - he had actually planned on telling you before he left for mustering but talked himself out of it. But with him changing everything went downhill, all the raw emotions he had were multiplied and the love he had before exploded into obsession. If we are looking at it as a before and after sorta thing, as soon as he changed he snapped. He had been pining after you for years and now all those emotions, which were strong already, became tenfold.

Z = Zenith (Would they ever break you?)

Break in a physical way? No.

In a mental way? Never, your personality is the one thing he loves the most about you - that and your thighs.

In an emotional way? Oh yeah, he's gonna wear you down until you can't find the strength to say no to the ring he's placing on your finger.

[saltymongoose]

I must thank this community for sharing a brain cell with me and bringing Doomguy to Salty's attention for the Player au. We can now segway into how badass it would be for the Player and Doomguy to just murder with DOOM's ost in Nevada. It'd also be interesting if Player just becomes more unhinged in missions from the intensity and excitement of having Doomguy there, reverting to previous patterns of gameplay with him. And the main 4's reactions? Haha. Just some thoughts.

Sincere regards from the void! Thank you for all the exciting reads, Salty! -- Spectre Anon

Hello Spectre Anon, it's good to see you again! :) And you're more than welcome for the works, thank you for reading them. <3

I'm not sure if the Grunts can hear the soundtracks, but I can see the Player being able to do that to some capacity, so that would definitely make murdering enemies with Doomguy really fun (and badass). The soundtrack really makes DOOM what it is, so it elevates the experience up to 2o. However, naturally this and Doomguy's unique fighting style would make the Player more, how to put it, feral when going after their enemies with the Doomslayer.

There's just something about seeing what he can do and orchestrating his violent force in the midst of a chaotic battle that is very hype-inducing, and the music only heightens this feeling. The boys are honestly shocked by this change. You've given them encouragement, sure, but you've never excitedly shouted orders of violence before like you do with the Slayer. Seriously, "Rip and Tear"? What is happening?

I think 2BDamned would find this sudden change very interesting tbh. Besides adoring you for your helpfulness, kind demeanor, and how much you care for him in turn (amongst many other things), Doc has always been in awe of your strategic capabilities. And from how skilled this "Doomslayer" is at combat, and how you both excel with each other in terms of efficiency, he can only guess that the source of your excitement is at having someone so powerful as your vessel. He's not delusional; Hank is his best agent, but he knows that even he can't compare to Doomguy in terms of ability. So perhaps the "breath of fresh air" that is the Slayer is what makes you so exhilarated? He'd have to ask you what the man does better than them. For research purposes, of course. (He'd loathe it if your new best friend knew for certain that he was better than they were. It might be true, but he still has pride, of course.)

Sanford is honestly a little concerned. You said you used Doomguy as a vessel before them so was this normal for you? I mean, the Slayer acted nonchalantly, but Sanford didn't know if he could ever be perturbed by anything so he doesn't know what to think. He probably checks on you a lot to ensure you don't overdo yourself with all the excitement. He has no idea how tired you get from controlling your vessels, or if you do at all, but hopefully the gesture counts for something. (It also gives him an excuse to spend some time with you instead of letting Doomguy hog you incidentally.)

I think Deimos and Hank would both be kind of jealous at how excited you get to use Doomguy. You never showed them this kind of reaction, so what were they doing wrong?

Other than this, Deimos would honestly be cheering you on as well. He couldn't care less about the Slayer, don't get him wrong, but it's you who's "wielding him" so his anger is tempered by that a bit. He has a vested interest in his weapons as well; according to you, it's one of this guy's most unique features, so replicating them would be a definite win for the grunts. Whether or not he can study them up close is up in the air, but seeing their effects from a distance helps.

Out of all of them, Hank definitely takes this change in you the hardest. He's incredibly vexed, indignant, and envious of what you have going on. What's worse for him is that he knows Doomguy is better than him at some things (not that he'll admit it) so seeing you happily maneuver him just stings at this point. At the same time, I can actually see him acting more like Doomguy in terms of ferocity as well.

Previous to this, Hank was secure in his belief, no - knowledge, that he was the absolute best at fighting in Nevada, insofar as grunts go, anyway. Now that The Doomslayer is here, he isn't and that is unacceptable to him. So he'll practice and work more to perfect himself, to make himself a more efficient and an overall better killing machine than this "Slayer", all so that he can regain your favor and attention. And more importantly, become your true favorite yet again.

(Also, here's an update on the Doc stuff for you guys, since it has been "a few days" and it's not really finished yet. I apologize for that, I really dislike going back on my word like this. 😕 As it turns out, I have [vastly] underestimated how long I was going to make these, so now they're officially scenarios/one-shots instead of hc sets. The first of their kind here, so that's special I guess. They're also like 65-70% finished to give you guys some idea. However, given the lateness, I was wondering if you guys would like a little snippet? It won't be huge, but it's something for y'all to speculate on for the next day or so before they're ready for official posting, if you guys want. ;) Lmk what you think!)