#EDIT: I suppose there could also be a variation where it’s a lover of some sort rather than his mother

[cryptidcalling]

Frothing at the mouth thinking about Cosmo Backstory that ISNT CANON but OUGH it's giving me feelings and I WANT!! I WANT IT CANON!!! It won't be canon because I am not the DM and I do not control the canon but OHHH OH I WANT IT

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: Towers of Midnight ch 4

Perrin goes hunting and we consider the problems with zero-sum solitaire, and Galad... is Galad.

Chapter 4: The Pattern Groans

We’re with Perrin, but it smells like corpses and the grass looks infected and it’s not the first time this has been brought up, so… how sure are we the Blight is staying put?

Oh, the Aes Sedai agree. Is this part of the Pattern fraying and the Dark One reaching out into the world, then? That the Blight sort of crops up in those stretched spaces?

Especially because at this point in the timeline, Rand’s not exactly counteracting it.

Light, Perrin thought, taking the leaf as Nevarin handed it to him. It smelled of decay. What kind of world is it where the Blight is the good alternative?

I don’t know, ask Lan.

“It’s probably not dangerous,” Perrin said.

Presented without further context. Famous last words, Perrin. Right up there with ‘a trap’s not a trap if you know it’s there’ –Rand al’Thor.

Meanwhile Perrin’s still dealing with Office Politics: Epic Fantasy Edition on a constant basis. Well, you and Egwene will have plenty to talk about when you finally meet in Tel’aran’rhiod or maybe for that dance you owe her on Sunday.

(I have absolutely no expectation of the latter happening; I just like to remember it sometimes because it’s the right kind of sad. The former though… please).

If only those clouds would pass so they could get some good sunlight to dry the soil

Given where you seem to be relative to Rand’s timeline, Perrin, you… might be waiting a little while. Might I recommend an umbrella? Or perhaps some fire insurance?

A strange village with an architectural style that seems out of place? Shiota again, perhaps? Either way, You probably do not want to go into that village. You may not ever come out. Well, okay, you’re a protagonist so you’ll probably be fine, but all the same.

Light! How bad were things becoming?

The thing with the timeline misalignment is that it takes away from the effect of this a little bit, for me. Because while I get that the Pattern itself is being strained and the Dark One is drawing closer to the world and all that, and Rand’s revelation on Dragonmount isn’t going to immediately fix everything, some of the tension there is gone. When such a major arc has finally passed its darkest point and reached a kind of catharsis, it’s a little weird to then go back to ‘okay but pretend that hasn’t happened yet’.

So, yes, I think this is probably not specifically related to Rand (inasmuch as anything at this point can be said to be not related to Rand, given his power and his role and his Fisher King-like link to the entire world), and therefore isn’t just a ‘oh don’t worry this will fix once the timelines are caught up’ but I can’t help feeling some of that anyway.

“Burn the village,” he said, turning. “Use the One Power.”

Should’ve invited Rand.

WOLF DREAM WOLF DREAM WOLF DREAM!

Even in Tel’aran’rhiod there’s a storm. But again, I can’t help but feel that some of the impact that should have (‘I am the storm’) is lacking a little, now. It’s not a major criticism and a lot of it is probably just me, but… I don’t know. It just feels ever so slightly off.

The wolves are calling to Perrin and so of course we come back to his central conflict with himself but surely this, too, must be approaching its point of crisis soon. There’s just not that much time left, and he’s been circling this one for so long, and especially after Malden he’s constantly being forced to look at it, just as Rand came closer and closer to that necessary confrontation with himself and the part of him that was Lews Therin and what he’s doing.

The invitations awakened something deep within him, the wolf he tried to keep locked away. But a wolf could not be locked up for long. It either escaped or it died

This touches on a particularly ironic aspect of this conflict: Perrin tries to lock the wolf aspect of himself away, to shut it out and refuse it, because he is afraid of losing himself to it. But it is a part of himself, and so by shutting it away in order to keep from losing who he is, he is in fact trying to kill or lose… a part of who he is.

Again, there’s the obvious parallel to Rand here, and the whole question of how to accept a part of yourself you’re terrified of, a part of yourself you hate or fear or cannot reconcile with the rest of your self-perception. The whole struggle of identity, of acceptance and denial, of answering that age-old question of who are you?

And I like how we get to watch so many different characters take on that struggle, from slightly different directions or with slightly different variations, but at the centre of it all that same question of identity, and what it means to be who you are versus who you must be versus who you choose to be, and how to find that balance. So many characters at war with themselves one way or another, and ultimately they all have to find some way to make peace, and so we just get Identity: Theme and Variation across the series.

(Of course, there are also the characters who aren’t at war with themselves, and whose stories of identity take on a slightly different flavour – Egwene being an obvious example – but I’ll just… save that one for another time or else we’ll be here all day).

“No!” Perrin said, sitting up, holding his head. “I will not lose myself in you.”

(Said Rand to Lews Therin).

Except by denying them, Perrin, you only lose a different part of yourself. And if so much of your energy and self is dedicated to fighting yourself, are you not also then lost? You can’t win a war when you are your own opponent.

He’s looking at this as a zero-sum game: himself against the wolf, and only one can win, and the other must be lost. And so he chooses himself, and tries to suppress or defeat the wolf, but it’s not a zero-sum game, for the very simple reason that there is no other player. He just thinks there is. Much as Rand viewed Lews Therin as an opponent, rather than as a part of himself.

In summary: don’t play prisoner’s dilemma with yourself, because that way lies madness.

You are invited, Young Bull, Hopper sent.

An invitation, not a demand. A gift, an offering, and of course a choice. It’s not something trying to consume him or fight him.

“Hopper, we spoke of this. I’m losing myself. When I go into battle, I become enraged. Like a wolf.”

Like a wolf? Hopper sent. Young Bull, you are a wolf. And a man. Come hunt.

I like the way they talk almost across each other here; Perrin is so set on viewing this as a fight, as a zero-sum game, as an either-or. And Hopper doesn’t understand what he’s on about, because as far as Hopper is concerned, Perrin is a man and a wolf and the two are not mutually exclusive. (Rand and Lews Therin are one and the same).

“I will not let this consume me.” He thought of a young man with golden eyes, locked in a cage, all humanity gone from him.

Except that as he is now, the wolf-aspect of him is effectively encaged, and that’s probably not healthy either. Still, though, so long as he insists on seeing it as something separate to himself, something invasive or antagonistic or other, some part of him will always be trapped.

Which… we’re given Noam as an example, and I do think there’s a path down which Perrin could theoretically end up being ‘consumed’ by the wolf, just as there was a path down which Rand could have ended up, as Moiraine put it, calling himself Lews Therin and Lanfear’s devoted lover. Or, you know, killing his father and the world and himself, and succumbing to the exact fate he pushed Lews Therin away in fear of in the first place.

Because when you’re that committed to framing it as a fight, and suppressing one side or the other, it’s hard to keep it from becoming that, even if that’s not what it ‘should’ be. Not all battles against oneself end in reconciliation. But there’s a bitter kind of irony to it, in that I think the only way Perrin would end up truly ‘losing himself’ to the wolf would be because he framed it as something he could lose to in the first place. (Or, I suppose, if he specifically chose that path and chose to suppress the human side of himself instead).

“I must learn to control this, or I must banish the wolf from me,” Perrin said.

Except that perception, right there, is the entire reason it’s such a struggle in the first place right now. It’s not an either-or. They’re not two separate things, and it’s not something that needs to be leashed.

It's that whole… the more you fight against some part of yourself, the harder it becomes to actually keep it in check, and so we arrive back at something very like ‘surrender to control’. Or, perhaps more accurately, ‘accept in order to control’. Control being also not quite the right word here, because that’s also part of the point.

Basically, throwing up a wall against parts of yourself you’re afraid of rather than understanding them and figuring out how to integrate or improve or work with or channel or grow past or whatever-else them is not a sustainable solution, Perrin. Because those parts of you aren’t just going to go away if you deny them strongly enough; you have to at least understand them, and acknowledge them for what they are, and then you can figure out where you want to go from there. Which, likely, will mean recognising that they’re neither as simple-black-and-white nor as terrifying as you think. It just also means having to do some introspection and maybe realise some things about yourself that challenge your existing self-image. It’s good for you. As Rand could perhaps tell you, once he’s done picking apples.

I do sort of wish this could have been done in the previous book, aligned with Rand’s own last stages of his fight with himself and eventual realisation – sort of the way the cascading ending of characters coming into their power was done in TSR – but also I get that sometimes it’s just not possible to fit everything in exactly the way you want. I promise I’ll stop complaining about having to play timeline catch-up soon.

Anyway, Hopper’s bored of this and wants to go hunting already. Especially because he’s looking at the calendar and realising they have maybe half a term to cram at least a few years’ worth of learning into, so can we get on with it already.

In a previous visit to the wolf dream, Perrin had demanded that Hopper train him to master the place. Very inappropriate for a young wolf – a kind of challenge to the elder’s seniority – but this was a response. Hopper had come to teach, but he would do it as a wolf taught.

Yes. And I think the point there, beyond anything to do with a challenge to seniority, is that if Perrin is going to learn how to walk the wolf dream, he’s going to have to come to terms with the part of him that brings him there in the first place. He can’t learn if he’s holding half of himself back at the same time.

“I will hunt with you – but I must not lose myself.”

But this is you, Perrin. And okay on the whole issue of hunting, I think Perrin sees it as a kind of… succumbing to base instincts, which is part of why he fights it. But I really don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here. I don’t think it’s ‘sure, go for murder breaks whenever you get bored’; I think it’s about… finding a balance in the side of himself that is capable of violence and that thrills in a fight, not by just letting it run wild but just by… understanding that it’s there, because once he does that, he can decide how to direct it.

I mean, we all have parts of ourselves that maybe aren’t always fit for polite company, but pretending they don’t exist isn’t going to make them go away, but understanding them and accepting them sometimes makes it easier to find another way to channel them that’s more… well, I suppose the word Perrin would want here is ‘controlled’. But really, I think it’s more ‘conscious’.

To use his own analogy, it’s the whole ‘the iron in front of him, not dreams of silver’ idea. Work with what you have; understand the components for what they are. That doesn’t mean you can’t work them at all, or reshape them, or hone them, or turn them into something better; it just means seeing those pieces, those starting points, honestly. And understanding what will and won’t work in terms of shaping them. He’s been given these pieces of metal but he insists on not using some of them, or on not even looking at them closely enough to see what metal they are, and I don’t know anything about metalworking so should probably stop this analogy here before I break it.

Anyway Hopper is just enjoying the opportunity to drag Perrin repeatedly, for his own amusement and that of the other wolves.

Meanwhile Perrin’s getting stuck in the long grass, which is absolutely not a metaphor for anything.

I can’t ignore my problems! Perrin thought back.

Yet you often do, Hopper sent.

Well and if that’s not a perfect summary of Perrin’s arc pretty much since the Two Rivers, I don’t know what is. ‘I can’t ignore my problems,’ says Perrin, ignoring at least five problems he doesn’t want to acknowledge in favour of the one or two he can do something about.

Or, as may be more accurately the case, ignoring his own problems in favour of the external ones he can hammer out a solution for.

Credit where it’s due: Perrin knows Hopper’s right.

There, lying on the ground, were the three chunks of metal he’d forged in his earlier dream. The large lump the size of two fists, the flattened rod, the thin rectangle.

Those are oddly specific. Shame there’s not twenty-three of them.

I’d say it sounds like the makings of a hammer except I don’t know what the thin rectangle would be in that case, and he already has a hammer.

Oh hey his prophetic dream-visions are back! It’s been a minute.

Mat stood there. He was fighting against himself, a dozen different men wearing his face, all dressed in different types of fine clothing. Mat spun his spear, and never saw the shadowy figure creeping behind him, bearing a bloody knife.

So the immediate association I have between Mat and a knife is, of course, the ruby dagger currently in the hands of our good friend Padan Fain. Though I suppose we’ve also now introduced the Seanchan Bloodknives to the scene, which would fit with the whole ‘shadowy figure’ as well.

But it’s the rest of this vision that has me intrigued, here. Because my immediate thought – that he’s fighting himself in the sense of all the men whose memories he now holds – doesn’t really make sense at all, because Mat accepted those memories a long time ago; they’ve not felt like a challenge to his identity in nearly the same way as the wolves have been for Perrin or Lews Therin was for Rand.

So then… more figurative? Is it still an identity thing but more about reconciling all the different roles he holds, that pull him in different directions (and some, like his status as Prince of the Ravens, that he has perhaps not quite so fully accepted)?

Or is this some Eelfinn/Aelfinn shit? We know he’s headed there, and it’s another dimension so all bets are off, really.

Or are we going to get into some kind of… decoys strategy? He’s being set up as a general for the Last Battle, so maybe someone or something turning his own strategies or forces against him?

Perrin’s not sure either, and next up we get wolves chasing sheep into the woods full of monsters. That… could honestly be anything. The wolves look wrong, so Darkhounds, maybe? Though in that case I’d expect him to recognise them. As for who he’s chasing… I mean, you can hardly swing a cat in here without hitting a malevolent force these days, so your guess is as good as mine, Perrin.

Hopper doesn’t have time for prophetic movie screenings and would very much like to get on with this hunt now, please, seriously Young Bull it’s been two years, I’m not getting any younger here.

(Hopper, you’re dead; you don’t even age. ‘NO BUT MY PATIENCE DOES’).

Perrin remembered the time; it had been during the early days of Faile’s captivity.

Had he really looked that bad? Light, but he seemed ragged. Almost like a beggar. Or… like Noam.

Oh okay this is a really interesting realisation from Perrin, and a perspective I hadn’t actually considered from this angle. There’s more than one way to lose yourself, and in giving entirely in to the very human side of him (and, perhaps, what Hopper might call a human need for control), and fixating on a single task in that sense, he came close to the same kind of loss of self that he associates with becoming entirely wolf.

And that this version of himself came not as a result of ‘giving in’ to the wolves at all. That maybe, Perrin, the wolves aren’t the source of the problem you’re having with finding a balance within yourself; they’re just a convenient scapegoat, something to project the division within yourself onto.

“Stop trying to confuse me!” Perrin said. “I became that way because I was dedicated to finding Faile, not because I was giving into the wolves!”

Which is… kind of the point, Perrin. There is more than one way to lose yourself. And your dedication to finding Faile was just… another form of focusing only on aspects, and neglecting all the other parts of yourself. But how is neglecting the wolf part of yourself going to solve that? Is that not just another way of fixating on what you think you should be, or on a single task, to the exclusion of what is there?

Hopper’s decided to move on to an object lesson: if you want to keep up, you’ll have to figure out how to run. No more holding back.

I want Hopper and the Wise Ones to meet, sometime. I just think that would be entertaining on all sides.

And so Perrin runs. Finally.

The forest was his. It belonged to him, and he understood it.

His worries began to melt away. He allowed himself to accept things as they were, not as he feared they might become.

Now, the next step: do the same for yourself. Accept yourself as you are, not as you fear you might become. You’re so close, Perrin.

It was exhilarating. Had he ever felt so alive? So much a part of the world around him, yet master of it at the same time?

There’s a surrender/control kind of feeling to this, as well. So much of this is so very, very close to what Perrin needs to learn – or rather, learn to apply to himself. This idea of being part of yet master of at the same time. Master of my fate, captain of my soul, that whole deal. That he can accept and be the wolf, but not be lost in it, just as he is not lost in this world around him that he allows himself to be part of, yet still retains himself and his control.

Whoops caught a whiff of a stag so no more time for existential crisis because that means DINNER.

The stag, I mean. Not the existential crisis. I don’t think they make edible versions of those.

He was the herald, the point, the tip of the attack. The hunt roared behind him. It was as if he led the crashing waves of the ocean itself. But he was also holding them back.

I cannot make them slow for me, Perrin thought.

And then he was on all fours, his bow tossed aside and forgotten, his hands and legs becoming paws. Those behind him howled anew at the glory of it. Young Bull had truly joined them.

ROUND. OF. APPLAUSE.

But actually the main reason I quoted this is because it strikes me that Perrin is, perhaps more so than any of the other major characters, a very Sanderson-esque character in some ways. I’ve compared him to Kaladin before, but even without trying to draw a like-for-like relationship to one of Sanderson’s characters, his character concept feels very much along the lines of what Sanderson would write.

Anyway, I thought of that here because this reads a little like – again not like-for-like but just in the same vein of – some of the other discovery-of-magic or acceptance-of-power or learning-the-scope-of-one’s-abilities scenes Sanderson has written.

I don’t mean it as either criticism or praise; it’s just something that struck me here.

The stag has twenty-six points on its antlers, so that’s not the missing twenty-three from last chapter either.

And we’ve shifted to Young Bull in the narrative now, so Perrin’s actually going along with this wolves-do-guided-meditation class for once.

He needed to be ahead, not follow.

Definitely not a thought applicable outside of this hunt, nope, not at all, nothing to see here, nothing more abstract about needing to act rather than react, or claim the wolf thing and all the aspects of himself he hides from rather than let them drag him along or anything like that.

The stag bolted to the right, and Young Bull leaped, hitting an upright tree trunk with all four paws and pushing himself sideways to change directions.

I am quoting this solely because WOLF PARKOUR.

Sorry.

He howled, and his brothers and sisters replied from just behind. This hunt was all of them. As one.

But Young Bull led.

Leader of men, leader of wolves, LET’S DO THIS.

It’s interesting as well because for all that it’s a hunt, there’s a rather meditative quality to this scene – the simplicity of it once he fins his place, allows himself to be a part of this world around him, acting almost on instinct and leading a perfect chase, not thinking or faltering or hesitating, every movement fluid and precise and beautiful – that actually reminds me of that scene way back in TDR when he worked at the forge in Tear.

Just these few simple moments of Perrin being… himself. A kind of beautiful economy of motion and a meditative sort of rhythm and the absence of doubt or uncertainty.

Which is perfect, of course, because that first scene is for Perrin as he was, for the part of himself he knew and knows and now fears to lose, the part of him that he linked so closely to his identity. It was a reminder of who he was, at a time when he needed it – this whole story just beginning and Perrin away from his home and out of his depth and not sure who he was or what he was becoming. It was a grounding in his foundations.

And now, nearly at the end, we get something with a kind of similar feel to it, but this time it’s the wolf, the part of himself he has yet to accept. There’s almost a bookending here of past and future. One scene to ground him, and one to carry him forward. Once for acknowledgement and once for realisation. Name him true and set his path, I suppose, if I really want to shoehorn another character’s quotes in here.

Anyway.

Perrin – or rather Young Bull – brings down the stag and is looking forward to that sweet sweet venison.

There was nothing else. The forest was gone. The howls faded. There was only the kill. The sweet kill.

A form crashed into him, throwing him back into the brush. Young Bull shook his head, dazed, snarling. Another wolf had stopped him. Hopper! Why?

The stag bounded to its feet, and then bounded off through the forest again. Young Bull howled in fury and rage, preparing to run after it. Again Hopper leaped, throwing his weight at Young bull.

If it dies here, it dies the last death, Hopper sent. This hunt is done, Young Bull. We will hunt another time.

Oh.

Why, Perrin wonders here. And I think the answer here is, because this is how we do not lose ourselves. The hunt is about the joy of it, but it’s not just mindless violence. That’s Perrin’s fear, and Hopper here is teaching him… nuance, I suppose. Control. Restraint.

Because there is a difference between the hunt, between being a wolf, and just succumbing to bloodlust and violence. And I think part of Perrin’s fear comes from conflating the two in his mind, but they’re not the same thing. But without letting himself ever know or be the wolf, without understanding that side of himself, it’s hard to distinguish. And so we come to this, where he sees the wolves acting with this restraint that still does not tarnish their joy, and can perhaps understand it himself and see that ‘joining the wolves in the hunt’ does not mean ‘losing all humanity and becoming a mindless killer’.

“That,” Perrin finally said, “is what I fear.”

No, you do not fear it, Hopper sent.

Thank you, Hopper, for being absurdly wise and also for your patience.

But this is the crux of it all, isn’t it? That Perrin fears – or does not quite fear – what lies at the end of this hunt for him. And hasn’t yet learned to… I suppose trust himself? Or understand that it’s not an all-or-nothing black-or-white kind of thing. To hold on or to let go. But it’s about, as so much of this story is, a more nuanced kind of balance, and an acceptance.

And self-awareness. That too.

Worry, worry, worry. It is all that you do.

“No. I also kill. If you’re going to teach me to master the wolf dream, it’s going to happen like this?”

Yes.

You do kill, Perrin, but it’s not all you do. And I think part of this hunt was also about learning that there’s nuance even in that, maybe. That he can kill and not be monstrous.

But he had been avoiding this issue for too long, making horseshoes in the forge while leaving the most difficult and demanding pieces alone, untouched.

YES! THANK YOU PERRIN AYBARA! YOU’RE GETTING IT.

Man I love when characters finally stop fighting themselves. (I’m me, so I have a slight preference for when that surrender actually takes a much darker ‘so be it’ kind of form but listen, the heroic side is also lovely and this has been such a long time coming).

I also do really like that Perrin comes to these realisations himself. Yes, it’s taken him a long time and yes, Hopper has been pushing him and pushing him to try to get him here (along with Tam, and various others), but ultimately it has to come from him. From an understanding of himself, and an acceptance of that.

Much like Rand’s own realisation, though so many others played into it and guided him along the way or pushed him towards the edge, anchored him or tried to cut him loose, ultimately came down to him, on a mountain, thinking.

Or how Nynaeve breaking her block happened alone at the bottom of a river, in a moment where at last she understood surrender.

These books do self-realisation well, is what I’m getting at. Giving characters those chances to see themselves, and to reach these understandings, and then letting those moments – those quiet, unwitnessed, outwardly unremarkable moments – carry such weight.

He relied on the powers of scent he’d been given, reaching out to wolves when he needed them—but otherwise he’d ignored them.

YES! THIS IS! SO GOOD!

(Like Rand with Lews Therin’s memories, and knowledge of the Power).

But he gets it now. You can’t use this if you’re also trying to fight it. You have to accept it, even when that’s terrifying, even when that means confronting parts of yourself you’d rather pretend weren’t there. Because the reward, ultimately, is that you’ll actually be able to wield them, rather than being at their mercy by virtue of being constantly at war with yourself.

You couldn’t make a thing until you understood its parts. He wouldn’t know how to deal with—or reject—the wolf inside him until he understood the wolf dream.

YES THAT’S EXACTLY IT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.

“Very well,” Perrin said. “So be it.”

HERE. WE. GO.

*

And now over to Galad. Fine. If we must.

Those Light-cursed swamps were behind them; now they travelled over open grasslands.

Because they’ve figured out their leadership situation and murdered the corruption from their ranks, get it?! So they’re not mired in the swamp of their own indecision and division now! They’re united and can move forwards in a cleaner direction!

If there was no danger of death, there could be no bravery, but Galad would rather have the Light shine on him while he continued to draw breath.

I mean, fair enough, and same, but that’s almost a surprising thing for Galad to think. Not that I think he’s the type to want martyrdom, but…hm. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the whole bravery thing here, but it just feels a little odd for Galad. Then again I will be the first to admit that there’s a lot about Galad that just Does Not Compute for me, so…sure. Lawful Good Paladin and all that.

He wanted to know what kind of traffic the highway was drawing

Refugees with a chance of wolves, most likely.

He remembered well the words that Gareth Bryne had once said: Most of the time, a general’s most important function was not to make decisions, but to remind men that someone would make decisions.

I just find it weirdly endearing that all three of Galad, Gawyn, and Elayne end up relying on Bryne’s wisdom from time to time, quoting him in their thoughts. Of course, it just as likely leads them in entirely opposite directions because this family is a bit of a mess, but still.

“The letter must be sent,” Galad said.

Okay but if we’re on the topic of shared family traits, evidence suggests letter-writing is not exactly a strong suit. You sure about this, Galad?

Ah, it’s a letter to the Children with the Seanchan giving them the bullet-points version of everything that’s happened. Well, far be it from me to criticise open and honest communication in this series, I suppose.

And he still plans to ally with Aes Sedai, which understandably is going over as well as a pile of Blight-mud with some of his men.

“But the witches are evil!”

Says a member of an organisation perfectly willing to overlook the torture of innocent people in order to wring confessions from ‘Darkfriends’, but…sure. Just, you know, glass houses and all that.

Once, he might have denied that. But listening to the other Children, and considering what those at Tar Valon had done to his sister, was making him think he might be too soft on the Aes Sedai.

Listening to other Children and thinking about his sister but consider this, Galad, have you ever thought of listening to her, maybe? Or, like, actually trusting her judgement when you do? Just a passing thought.

Seriously, what is it with Elayne’s brothers and continually underestimating her, her ability to look after herself, and also her reading of her own damn situation?

“However, Lord Harnesh, if they are evil, they are insignificant when compared to the Dark One.”

Well… alright, sure, at this stage I guess if that’s how you have to look at it to make this work, then fine. We don’t have time to solve everyone’s problems with everyone else before they all need to at least act as allies, so if uneasy ‘enemy of my enemy’ trust is what it takes…

Then, as Bashere said, there’s always another battle. Or as Rand said, they can all go back to killing one another once it’s done. A sad way to look at it, but for all that Rand has come a long way and is no longer looking at this in quite the same way, I think some of those things are still true. The great battle done, but the world not done with battle.

Tarmon Gai’don’s alliances won’t solve all of that, even led by a Dragon Reborn who truly has a purpose now. It may be enough to see them through, but after…?

The Wheel of Time turns.

“We need allies. Look around you, Lord Harnesh. How many Children do we have? Even with recent recruits, we are under twenty thousand. Our fortress has been taken. We are without succour or allegiance, and the great nations of the world revile us.”

Wow, I WONDER WHY.

I mean, good on Galad for taking on the task of redeeming the Whitecloaks but… it sure is going to be a Task.

“The Questioners are at fault,” Harnesh muttered.

“Part of the blame is theirs,” Galad agreed. “But it is also because those who would do evil look with disgust and resentment upon those who stand for what is right.”

Uh.

Sorry, Galad, but you’re leaving out a very large slice of the blame pie, which is: maybe the Questioners were the worst of the lot (or at the very least they make a convenient set of scapegoats), but the rest of you didn’t exactly object, or do anything about it. And plenty of you went right along (Two Rivers, anyone?) – or, sorry, were you Just Following Orders?

I mean morality is a grey area and all that but trying to pass off widespread hatred of your borderline-fanatic organisation with an unfortunate habit of killing innocent people as ‘evil people hate the righteous’ is maybe a bit of a stretch.

“In the past, the boldness – and perhaps overeagerness – of the Children has alienated those who should have been our allies.”

Euphemistic but…not wrong, I suppose. And to be fair to him (if I must), he does have a rather difficult line to walk, as the leader of this organisation. He maybe can’t just denounce them completely, but he also has to get through to them that some thing are going to have to change. And that this isn’t going to be an easy path ahead.

He's trying to enforce what they should be fighting for, underlining their stated principles and trying to get them to shift direction and also preparing them for what they’re going to face, without… undermining their foundations, or challenging them in a way that might break them.

And I suppose he actually believes some of this as well. Which is still just… sure, Galad. Okay.

I do love that he’s quoting Morgase to them. So much of her legacy has been tarnished that it’s nice to see these moments of… recognition, I guess.

“We follow no queen or king.”

“Yes,” Galad said, “and that frightens monarchs. I grew up in the court of Andor. I know how my mother regarded the Children.”

And yet! Look where you ended up! Quoting Morgase’s own thoughts on leadership to the Children, whom she hated.

See, the problem with Galad in this chapter is that he’s neither being a deadly-graceful swordsman nor defiantly enduring torture, which means we’re back to plain old annoyance with him on my part.

“Darkfriends,” Harnesh muttered.

“My mother was no Darkfriend,” Galad said quietly.

Yeah, Harnesh? If you value your life, do not insult Morgase Trakand in front of Galad. He can and will end you.

“You speak like a Questioner,” Galad said. “Suspecting everyone who opposes us of being a Darkfriend. Many of them are influenced by the Shadow, but I doubt that it is conscious.”

Oh, not just them, Galad. As Egwene said, “I think we all are serving the interests of the Shadow, so long as we allow ourselves to remain divided.” Or, for another and more recent example: “I think he almost had me, Egwene.”

But Galad does know his audience here. The Questioners do provide a convenient scapegoat, and a way to sort of… point out all the problems with the Whitecloaks, but slantwise. Deflected just slightly so that they do not sound like accusations, but rather like a very pointed ‘we are better than them, right?’ A kind of oblique warning, and a reminder of all that they must no longer allow themselves to be. A way of criticising indirectly, and allowing them to maintain their pride and convictions and certainty.

Which is also interesting in contrast to Egwene’s approach with the Aes Sedai, of being incredibly direct in her criticism of both the rebels and the Tower Aes Sedai. It’s interesting, because both approaches work. Because these are two very different organisations and situations, despite their occasional parallels.

“We cannot become lapdogs to kings and queens. And yet, think of what we could achieve inside of a nation’s boundaries if we could act without needing an entire legion to intimidate that nation’s ruler.”

Whitecloaks: ‘we’re a paramilitary organisation answerable to no monarch or nation!’

Galad, son of a literal royal house: ‘sounds good’

Then again, I suppose you could say much the same of the Dragonsworn and the Band of the Red Hand (leaving aside the fact that Rand rules or has ruled at least four nations in fact if not always in name), and in terms of facing Tarmon Gai’don as unified forces of the Light, that’s fair enough. But that’s the sort of thing that tends to cause, er, problems domestically.

A group of travellers on the road! I wonder who this could possibly be!

Galad sighed. Nobody could deny Byar’s dedication – he’d ridden with Galad to face Valda when it could have meant the end of his career. And yet there was such a thing as being too zealous.

Let it not be said that Galad doesn’t have his work cut out for him. That much is for sure.

Though Galad calling anyone else too zealous is, of course, mildly entertaining.

“Peace,” Galad said, “you did no wrong, Child Byar.”

Depends on the timeframe…

There was talk of a gigantic stone from the sky having struck the earth far to the north in Andor, destroying an entire city and leaving a crater.

…Shadar Logoth? Not quite a meteorite, no, but I can see how someone might arrive at that explanation. Especially if all the forces at play there were enough to leave traces of stishovite or coesite.

The talk among the men revealed their worries. They should have understood that worry served no useful function. None could know the weaving of the Wheel.

In which Galad Damodred discovers the cure for anxiety. Seriously, Galad, that’s all well and good for you, and I personally see where you’re coming from, but not everyone is going to just logic away their fear; it doesn’t always work like that.

Yeah this sounds like Perrin’s group. Well this should be fun.

Wait a second.

Morgase is with Perrin.

Oh man.

The man in the cart gave a start upon seeing Galad. Ah, Galad thought, so he knows enough to recognise Morgase’s stepson.

The man in the cart is Basel Gill and definitely knows enough to recognise Morgase’s stepson given that he’s currently travelling with Morgase, yes.

Basel Gill also really, really needs to work on his poker face. Though I don’t think even Mat’s ability to tell a lie would get Perrin’s entire caravan past Galad without arousing some kind of suspicion.

So Galad’s giving him the airport security treatment, Gill is trying his best to lie like a rug, and there’s only one way this is going to end.

“Anything else I will sell, but the food I have promised by messenger to someone in Lugard.”

“I will pay more.”

“I made a promise, my good Lord,” the man said. “ could not break it, regardless of the price.”

“I see.”

I have to laugh here because yes, Gill is lying through is teeth and Galad knows it, but he’s also chosen the one lie that Galadedrid ‘do the right thing no matter the cost’ Damodred can’t actually directly challenge.

So instead he’s just going to separate the group and see if they all tell the same story.

“After all, what it seems like to me is that you are the camp followers of a large army. If that is the case, then I would very much like to know whose army it is, not to mention where it is.”

WOULDN’T YOU JUST.

It occurs to me that Perrin is the only one of the ta’veren boys – and, actually, the only one of the original Emond’s Field crew – who Galad hasn’t met.

And while it might be kind of funny if it were Mat’s army and he and Galad had a ‘….you?’ moment, given their last meeting, it’s all kinds of appropriate in terms of actual story and characters that Galad, new leader of the possibly-soon-to-be-reformed Whitecloaks, is the one meeting up with Perrin ‘Whitecloaks were my first kill’ Aybara.

Because Perrin is the one with the most… messy history with the Whitecloaks, and so it is fitting that if there really is to be a shift, and if they really are to move forwards, it would be by turning that, somehow, into alliance.

“We may have a situation here,” Bornhald said. His face was flushed with anger.

Uh oh.

Speaking of Perrin’s history with the Whitecloaks. Bornhald (mistakenly) thinks Perrin killed his father, Perrin (somewhat less mistakenly) thinks Bornhald let his home be ravaged by Trollocs and betrayed him when he had promised to help… you know, just a few disagreements between friends.

“Have you ever heard of a man called Perrin Goldeneyes?”

“No. Should I have?”

“Yes,” Bornhald said. “He killed my father.”

Prepare to die.

Well THIS should be fun!

Next (ToM ch 5) Previous (ToM ch 3)

[anjalena123]

What are the cheaper, better alternatives to Mailchimp?

I was looking for free or cheapest alternatives and the first one I started using was Mailchimp but it’s not the best one for me.

Then I try GetResponse and find it the best and cheaper email marketing software. I am still using it. GetResponse is one of the most popular email marketing services.

With the addition of Autofunnel (now known as Conversion Funnel), GetResponse has become a great tool for building sales funnel as well.

GetResponse is a perfect tool for both beginners and professional marketers. It has tools to become an email marketing service, build a sales funnel, become a checkout software, or you can create social media ads using it.

It’s like a complete tool for internet marketers. Even if you require tools like drip automation, retargeting, and tagging for e-commerce, GetResponse has everything. You get a 100+ email template to match your brand and niche.

I’ve been a GetResponse user for a long time. I keep testing to multiple tools, but GetResponse is the best I’ve ever used. Not just me, but people that I’ve referred GetResponse, a bunch of clients, have never had any issues with it.

GetResponse allows you to build automation workflow, create autoresponders, retarget website visitors with drip campaigns, and more. You can even set up an e-commerce store using an in-built payment processor.

All in all, it does everything an internet marketer, blogger, small business owner, or e-course seller would ask for.

Here are some of it’s best features:

·

One of the best email marketing software that is beginner-friendly and equally powerful for scaling businesses.

·Conversion Funnel allows you to build sales funnels.

Webinar software integrated with GetResponse’s marketing platform.

·A checkout page with a payment processor already integrated.

Landing page builder with 50+ templates.

Marketing automation.

Opt-in form builder and integration with popular lead generation tools.

Retargeting automation workflow.

Drip campaigns.

Custom workflow builder with the visual editor.

·150+ email templates for various niches and industries

Facebook Ads integration and builder.

Unlimited email autoresponders.

GetResponse Email Marketing

The biggest challenge for any beginner is to setup automation workflows with email autoresponders. Most of the tools have a cluttered dashboard and a block-based automation builder.

GetResponse, on the other hand, has a visual automation builder.

Using the visual editor, you can create custom automation without much trouble. It’s easy, and with the help of pre-made templates, you can create autoresponder emails quickly and save tons of time.

The visual editor is fairly simple to use. GetResponse allows you to create autoresponder emails and use them in marketing automation.

You can set autoresponder cycles. A cycle will define how many days should pass after a subscriber is added to your email list.

You can choose which days the autoresponder is active. It could be active the whole week, only on weekends, and so on.

Well written emails should also look good, and based on your industry, how your emails look and feel will make a difference in conversions.

Take the pets niche, for example. Pet owners are extremely devoted and caring. They don’t compromise on quality. Emails that look basic won’t generate high conversions in such a niche.

What would work is an email written in a professional tone and looks like a pet lover sent it. And GetResponse has templates that’ll help you convert your emails in such a beautiful and personalized format.

GetResponse has email templates specifically curated for hundreds of niches and the purpose of your email.

You can choose from email templates designed for:

Selling products.

·Promoting services.

Educate subscribers.

·Welcome leads.

·Celebration.

Custom email templates are also a possibility. You can create a new HTML template using the CSS block-based drag n drop editor and save it for future purposes and repetitive use.

Speaking about templates, GetResponse has a landing page builder too. It’s not just a basic page builder. Just like emails, you have landing page templates too.

These landing page templates are also optimized for a high conversion rate. Host your landing pages on a custom domain or on a GetResponse URL. It’s your choice.

The pages connect with your funnels and email lists instantly.

You can upload media files straight to GetResponse to add them to your emails quickly. You get 2 GB of file storage.

Most of the time, you’ll send your email according to your regional timing. But your subscribers will receive your emails at their regional timing.

This situation results in a lower open rate and an even lower clickthrough rate. GetResponse has a feature called Perfect Timing.

Perfect Timing is a feature that allows you to send emails at the time that each subscriber is more likely to open and read your email. Perfect Timing is based on data collected by GetResponse.

When you use Perfect Timing, even when you click on send, the email isn’t sent instantly. GetResponse analyzes each subscriber, then according to the generated data, emails are sent when the response rate is recorded at the highest.

Their email marketing software is robust. GetResponse looks very clean and the dashboard is well organized.

In fact, it is the best looking and put-together email marketing dashboard.

You will easily find mailing list sats, email reports, automation insights, sales numbers, and other settings right on the dashboard.

There are two versions of API offered by GetResponse V2 and V3. The API V3 gives you slightly more control and access to commands over the connection at GetResponse.

If you’re looking to survey your audience, you can create survey forms to collect leads using GetResponse.

You can create multiple email lists inside your GetResponse account. Multiple lists can be interconnected using segments inside automation workflows.

Each list allows you to tag individual subscribers. This tagging function works on two things:

·Automation

Lead generation tools/Manually

Firstly, you can tag subscribers by creating an automation workflow. I’ll show you how to in the tutorial below.

Secondly, you can use a lead generation tool like Privy or Thrive Leads to tag subscribers based on the opt-in form they signup from. Or you can also tag them manually.

Unlike other email marketing services, GetResponse allows you to send a double-optin confirmation email twice. Suppose someone subscribes to your list but forgets to confirm the double-optin.

In such a case, you can resend the confirmation email by going to your mailing list. To resend a confirmation email, go to your mailing list.

Then click on the list name and click on the “Unconfirmed” link. This will open a new page where everyone who hasn’t confirmed their subscription will appear. Click on the three dots and select “Re-send.”

You get tons of options for optimizing your email marketing campaigns. GetResponse has an active A/B testing feature. Using A/B testing, you can compare two different emails and identify which one got more open rate and clicks.

A/B testing is a good way to measure the success of email templates, colors, text font, writing style, etc. It shows you what your subscribers are really loving and what’s not working.

I actively use A/B testing to check the difference between multiple subject variations. This one practice has helped to increase the open rate of my RSS digest emails. I highly recommend you to test two subjects every time you send an email broadcast.

To automate things up a little bit, there is an option to use a blog RSS feed to automatically send emails to your subscribers. Every time you publish a blog post, your RSS feeds get’s updated as well. Utilizing your feeds, GetResponse prepares an email and automatically sends it to your subscribers.

Set how the email looks, whether it will be sent immediately when a post is published or weekly as a digest. I use it for sending a weekly digest to my subscribers.

Transactional emails are triggered by emails. Emails such as account creation details, password recovery, cart recovery, checkout assistance are all known as transactional emails. Since these emails are sent to individual subscribers, they are not considered as a typical marketing email sent to bulk email subscribers in a list.

It runs a spam check every time you write an email. If it doesn’t pass the spam score check, you’ll have to edit the email content.

You can send a test message to check how your email will look when it’s sent to your subscribers.

GetResponse also shows you the global preview where you can see your emails getting accessed live by different devices. This will help you to identify any HTML or CSS issues within your template before they get sent.

All in all, GetResponse has tons of features. It might sound overwhelming, but the platform is very well optimized for ease of access, and it makes managing your email marketing campaigns swift.

GetResponse also has a mobile application to help you manage your email marketing and sales funnels on the go. The app is supported on both Android and iOS.

The GetResponse smartphone app lets you:

·Send emails and track statistics.

Keep in touch with new contacts.

Manage your mailing list

Get marketing insights

You can also create social media ads using their Social Ads creator. You’ll get the app download link once you register for a GetResponse account.

GetResponse Conversion Funnel

Conversion Funnel basically helps you to create a sales funnel, with no prior knowledge required. Unlike other sales funnel software, GetResponse Conversion Funnel is built for beginners and small businesses.

It consisted of beginner-friendly sales funnel templates and a shop listing platform. The sales funnel templates are what make Conversion Funnel so much interesting and popular.

Using the sales funnel template, you can build a complete lead-to-sale funnel optimized for high conversion in a few clicks.

You can choose from a bunch of templates depending on your need and industry.

There are three categories of sales funnel inside the GetResponse conversion funnel:

That means you won’t have to bother building a sales funnel from scratch if you are going to sell a product, promote a webinar, or looking to build your email list.

Beginners will highly appreciate the pre-built sales funnels offered by Conversion Funnel. It eliminates the guesswork, which is why most beginners fail at creating a highly successful sales funnel.

Using the pre-built funnels, you’ll slightly ensure the success of your sales funnel. Because these templates are built by successful email marketers and CROs. If your product/service and customer onboarding system is solid, these sales funnels will not fail.

All GetResponse Conversion Funnel templates are optimized for higher customer retention and high sales. You just have to fill in the blank and edit the sales funnel templates with your product information, services, and other stuff. It’s that easy.

GetResponse has over 30 conversion-optimized scenarios created by professional marketers.

That’s just not it. Conversion Funnel is a combination of additional features such as:

Social Ads creator

Lead generation form builder including exit-intent popup forms

·Product manager and listing – both physical and digital (you can use the product listed directly in your emails)

·Sales page optimized for a higher click-through rate.

Perfectly timed emails to recover cart abandonment (automatic setup)

For example, if you choose to build a sales funnel to sell products, the default settings will:

·Automatically retarget your email subscribers and online store visitors.

·Send autoresponders to create specifically for selling products.

·Automatically send confirmation emails (you don’t have to pay for transactional email)

Process credit card, stripe, and PayPal payments

·Automatically display and send upsell offers.

Automatically recommend new products based on past transactions.

If your goal is to generate more leads, use the lead magnet funnel. Prepare a checklist, an eBook, or a free PDF report and offer it on your website as an incentive in exchange for an email.

Using GetResponse lead magnet funnel, you can deliver the lead agent and nurture the subscriber.

GetResponse Support

When it comes to supporting, GetResponse is not the best.

Their platform is good, so I haven’t’ had any frequent issues. But I’m an online marketer, so I can tackle most of the issues on the front-end myself.

However, not everyone using GetResponse will be a professional.

GetResponse says they are the world’s easiest email marketing platform, and yes, they are. Most of the issues are solved quickly.

There is live chat support, 24×7 accessible. You can send an email for ticket support in over 8 languages.

Resolutions come pretty fast for normal, day to day issues. You won’t have any delays in getting an answer as well as done-for-you support.

But GetResponse support is quite weak at resolving complex issues. Their support staff is knowledgeable just enough to answer and solve front-end software issues and errors.

GetRespone Integrations

One of the many reasons people are afraid to migrate to a new email marketing service is integrating their current software with the new platform.

Many times, the only reason you might not shift to a more powerful tool could be as simple as this:

You are afraid to lose control and disrupt the sync among the software you’re using. You don’t want the hassle of adding a new tool and changing the way you operate.

Well, that’s not an issue with GetResponse. It integrates with 120+ software, cloud-apps, and web services. It also connects with Zapier to further integrate with over 1300+ apps.

It integrates with all popular and not-so-popular landing page builders, funnels and pipeline software, CRM, and chatbot software, just to name a few.

You can also connect it with a custom app using the newer version of the GetResponse API key.

GetResponse Pricing & Plans Basic $15 plus $49 professional $99

GetResponse Pros

Things that I liked about GetResponse are:

Intuitive dashboard, quick navigation across all marketing software and apps.

Powerful email marketing templates for various niches. This makes it easy to generate more conversion, even if you are a novice.

Marketing automation to personalize and automate your email communication based on your audience habits and preferences.

Straight forward sales funnel builder. Sales funnel templates are possibly the biggest advantage over its competitors.

Ecommerce store platform built-in. You can list physical and digital products right inside GetResponse and sell using the integrated funnel and email marketing automation.

Allows affiliate marketers to send raw affiliate links.

The landing page builder is quite powerful and has the qualities of a full-fledged page builder.

Integrates with PayPal and other payment processors. You get a built-in high performing checkout page as standard.

Social Ads creator to publish Facebook and Instagram Ads. It’s much easier to use GetResponse Ads creator than Facebook.

GetResponse Cons

Here are the things I didn’t like about it:

The support is decent, but if you need solutions to complex marketing requirements, you’d better be buying the enterprise or Professional plan.

Deleted emails are still counted towards the invoice for the month.

The form builder is quite basic

GetResponse Review: The Conclusion

Overall, GetResponse is a complete marketing solution, but at the core, it is one of the best email marketing services.

It is a beginner-friendly, has tons of powerful features, and allows you to create complex marketing automation workflow with ease.

With its Autofunnel Conversion Funnel software, building sales funnels and lead pipelines are easy as it gets.

If you’re a beginner or small business, GetResponse seems to be the perfect tool for you.

But, if you’re looking for something to scale your e-commerce store or a tool that allows you to customize content for your customers, you might want to consider Drip or Keap.

Start a 30 days free trial.

[doctortdesigns]

Looks like we are starting to hit the season of fall fashions!  Simplicity has just announced their Pre-Fall collection, and I’ll be posting about Butterick’s Early Fall collection tomorrow as well!  Fall fashions tend to be my favorite, but, if I’m being honest, I’m not the most excited with these new releases.  Perhaps my feelings will change as I write this review (as they sometimes do), but as of right now, I’m holding out for the August Burda before I get really excited about fall fashions this year.  Regardless, there is a lot to look at in this release, so let’s get started:

  8686 – 1940s Vintage dress.  I tend to like 40s fashions, but this is one of those styles that really is too cute/sweet/girly for me to picture myself wearing.  I think the vintage lovers will enjoy this dress – it has lots of great features and style lines, but I think this is also one of those styles that looks distinctly vintage, and isn’t necessarily as translatable to someone who enjoys doing a “sneaky vintage” modern wardrobe.

  8687 – This shirt dress, on the other hand, feel very modern.  Also perhaps slightly scandalous?  I definitely get a “wearing my man’s oversized shirt as a robe after I get out of bed” vibe from this.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  But I think it may limit the versatility of this as a wardrobe piece.  I do like the asymmetric hem and the wrap style, but, there is definitely a vibe I get from this piece that I don’t know if I’d be comfortable wearing in public.  Maybe a belt would change that feel for me?  Styling could change this look a lot I think…  Feel free to completely disagree with me in the comments on this one – I feel like this could be a super popular design, since it is one of the more unique looks in this release.

  8688 – This dress has some nice options, between the sleeve styles and the skirt styles.  I don’t know that I need to add it to my collection – I’ve got some knit dress patterns from back when I very first started sewing that are pretty similar – but I like this dress.  Looks like it would be great as an outfit base for those fall days when you need to transition between layers and no layers.

  8689 – This style of tunic really isn’t anything new, but I do think Simplicity did a nice job of styling and presentation.  Another pass for me, but I would be excited to see other sewing bloggers make this one up.

  8690 – Mimi G. Style.  I’m going to say that this dress looks adorable on Mimi!  But, again, this is a case where I know it isn’t something I’d wear myself, so it’s going to be a pass from a personal standpoint.  It is super cute though – the proportions of the sleeves are great in relation to the whole dress.

  8691 – Sew Chic dress.  This is clearly a vintage inspired look.  I like it, especially the short sleeved version, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got several vintage re-releases that are quite similar.  Another style that I find to be cute, but not special enough to warrant a spot in the stash.

  8692 – 1950s Vintage blouse pattern.  I do like the shape of these blouses: fitted, but not overly so.  I’m not a big fan of zippers on the back of a top, but for views A-C it is pretty unavoidable with such a high neckline.

  8693 – This asymmetric top looks like a button front shirt got halfway put on backwards to me.  I do like the simpler versions (as a one-shoulder 80s-inspired sweater I’m all about this pattern!), but I’m really not a fan of the view that Simplicity used for the model photo – it just looks ill fitting and sloppy.

  8694 – At this point there really is nothing left to say about these loose tops with sleeve details, except, look, another one!  This one does have dolman sleeves, so I guess that’s a new-ish variation to this style?  Really, though, at this point there are so many, just pick one.

  8695 – 1930s Vintage sleeve patterns.  Do I want this to use on modern sewing pattern?  No.  Do I want this for part of my costume/cosplay pattern stash so I can study the drafting on these sleeve variants?  You better believe it.

  8696 – I prefer my cardigans with less volume and more length, but this does look rather cozy.

  8697 – The square boyfriend blazer really isn’t a look that works for me, so I’ll avoid this pattern for myself, but I do like the single and double breasted options here, as well as the collar variants.

  8698 – I know it’s a drawstring pant, but it’s a drawstring pant with stripes and pockets and I like it.

  8699 – I also rather like this skirt as well.  I think I perhaps already have more than enough wrap pencil skirts in my Burda stash, but this one pattern seems to have a lot of variety, even though the pattern tweaks are pretty minimal between views.

  8700 – Pattern Hacking.  I’ve been thinking I want a more casual jacket for fall, but something about the proportions of this one just aren’t doing it for me.

  8701 – Pattern Hacking.  Somehow switching out pockets doesn’t seem like much of a “hack,” but what do I know?  I do like the silhouette and overall look of these, but, again, very similar to other styles I’ve got in the stash already.

  8702 – Mimi G. Style.  This tracksuit is pretty cute and very 80s.  I’s not be interested in the drop-crotch pants at all, but I do like the jacket, and the slim-legged pants are cute for a fall work-out look.

  8703 – This was a pattern that initially I just skipped over (it’s a plain yellow top and leggings), but, actually, those other tops with the stomach gathers are pretty cute!  I don’t know if this will make it onto my wishlist, but it is a definite maybe.

  8704 – Love these pull over tops!  The raglan sleeve and length look great for exercising is colder weather.  Plus, lots of cool pockets for exercising with devices.

  8705 – This man’s version somehow doesn’t read as exciting as the woman’s pattern, but the sleeve pouch for a phone or iPod is pretty great.

8706 – Baby Gear.  Not much to say about baby clothes, but the layers look practical.

8707 – I’ve been toying with the idea of a lace cardigan for a while, and this is exactly what I wanted.  Love this!  Totally going into my stash until I can locate the perfect lace fabric for this endeavor.

8708 – These girls dress are pretty generic, but also pretty cute for fall.

  8709 – Gertrude Made bags.  I don’t love the aesthetic of the bags in the photos, but from the line drawing, these are totally bags I would use.  I do wish it was drafted for a zip closure, but I suppose that is something one could find a way to add?

  8710 – These large travel duffle bags are also not depicted in a color scheme I’d enjoy, but I do love how practical the bags are, plus they fit over the handle of a rolly suitcase!  So cleaver.  I’d be curious to see how the inside is drafted (pockets???), but I think this might be on my list, since it seems my travel schedule is upping in the next year or so.

  8711 – Madalynne.  The bra does not look supportive enough for anyone outside of the A/B range, and why would you want to add butt ruffles to your underwear?  I mean, really?  At least from the standpoint of wearing underwear under clothes in any case.  I was going to ponder the butt ruffle as an analog to a tail feather and the implications that could have in mating rituals, but I shall refrain.

  8712 – Aprons.  Pretty simple, not too exciting, but could be good if you want to make a “mommy and me” sort of look.  The aprons loop pretty practical, if not overly embellished – nice pockets and full coverage.

  8713 -Hats!  These are actually pretty cool, and really practical styles for costuming.  Love how much variety comes in a single pattern too.

  8714 – Love the historical doll clothes.  So cute.

  8715 – Ok, I want, nay, NEED this dragon in my life!  How stinking cute is this?  And, I mean, let’s be real – I need at least three of them.  That’s right – NEED.

  8716 –  These bears are cute, but they aren’t dragons.

  8717 – More aprons.  I find the other style to be more pragmatic.

  8718 – I’m sure the internet will tell me if I’m wrong, but I really feel like this is supposed to be a Rey/Daenerys mash up of costume pieces?  Lots of great pieces in here for the cosplayers out there.

  8719 – I’m less excited by this… I don’t know what to call it?  Generic sexy fantasy style pattern?  I feel like all of these pieces have been recombined from pre-existing patterns.

  8720 – Good job on picking up that it is the 25th anniversary of Hocus Pocus!  I’m not even sure Disney has grasped that yet…  I’ve not seen crazy heavy advertising about re-release special editions or anything.  In regards to the pattern, I do wish these Sanderson sisters were a bit more detailed in the designs, but, bravo to Simplicity for winning at the cultural relevance game.

  8721 – One should never pass by a good cape pattern.  The hood shape looks really great, and the cape is nice and full.

  8722 – Once again, I’m sure the internet will inform me, but I’m not quite sure which franchise Simplicity is referencing here?  There are certainly shows I watch where jumpsuits are “the look” but this pattern is much baggier and less fitted than the styles used in those shows.  The tan one is a very Ghostbusters vibe, but I’m not sure if that is the reference I’m supposed to be picking up on here?

  8724 – Kids Star Wars/Superhero costumes.  Really versatile, and really cute.

  8725 – Nice to see Ariel added to the Disney Princess lineup.

  8726 – Super generic kids costumes.

  8727 – More generic kids costumes.

  8728 – Cool way to do a mermaid tail in this pattern.

  8729 – Kids capes, because, capes!

  5628 – Jiffy pattern re-release.  This literally is a piece of fabric folded in half, with two partial seams, and a neck opening.  Pass.

  9192 – Men’s vintage ties are kinda cool.  Not the massively wide one, but the skinny tie or bow tie could be useful.

And that’s it!  On the whole my top picks for this release really are in the craft/costume/cosplay realm.  Not too much new or exciting in the main release.  There is a lot of stuff I found “cute” but not much I felt needed to be added to the collection.  What do you all think?  See anything that is going to kick-start your fall sewing?  Or are we waiting for the bigger releases coming later next month?  Feel free to discuss in the comments!

Simplicity Patterns Pre-Fall 2018 #sewing #patterns #Simplicity #SimplicityPatterns #prefall #fallsewing Looks like we are starting to hit the season of fall fashions!  Simplicity has just announced their…

[pavonatedangel]

on loving the human

i. they will not appreciate all your gifts, will akin them to a cat bringing dead mice to their feet. this is fine. everything else you give, they will find gorgeous. if you are vain enough, give them something of yours to wear. if you are rash enough, give them something of yours to wear. they will find it beautiful and every Other will know you’ve claimed that one. be sure no one else, such as Not-Cat or even the crows, have done the same yet. a human, no matter their talents, would be worth such a war. you must remember this, if you see them keeping feathers-blacker-than-night in their hair/pockets/pouches. you might be able to fool them from another Fair, but, if the birds have gotten to them, there is no return. best to pick another that can catch your attention. any of them would start pleased with that.

ii. to appear human while first wooing them is best. you will need two ears, two eyes, a nose with (only!) two nostrils, 32 teeth, 206 bones, and about 640 muscles that do not slide or slip or slush. both halves of your (singular) face must react together, but not mechanically, robotically, stiffly, or in any manner similar to plastic or silicon. one side of your mouth must not be higher or lower than the other unless it is a facial expression, of a half-smile or frown. your eyes must not be too close together, or too far apart, your ears must be even, the spacing of your nose-to-eyes-to-ears-to-forehead must all be within a certain ratio. if you must, watch a good artist space faces to see the estimate. but you must not be too perfect, either: your teeth not too straight or too white, your nails not too clean or pristinely cut or without variation, your skin not too blemish-free. you need some faults in order to appear human. you must maintain solid form at all times. still, it’s likely they’ll know, regardless. at least, they’ll probably appreciate the effort. (remember, being seen without protection is even more telling. keep sugar and pewter/tin/aluminum with you at all times; these will look enough like salt and iron. it is also advisable you carry ‘offerings,’ even if you never leave them anywhere. creamer cups are most popular.)

iii. eventually, they will see through your disguise. maybe you won’t blink the average 15-20 times per minute, maybe you’ll sit too still, maybe your obliviousness to human culture (do yourself a favor and research ‘memes.’) will eventually no longer be explained away by “small-town international transfer student.” (also look at a modern map. if the last time you visited this place between was before the 90s, a lot has changed. not staying on top of this will be an issue for you.) no matter how or when they see through your pretended humanity, you need to be prepared. Taking them right then seems easiest, but you want them to stay, and you don’t want people following. if one saw through you, others will too, and you don’t want to risk the knights coming running, iron and rowan brandished. and that’s … undesirable, to say the least. very best outcome, you’re gonna lose face, and the knights will only gain notoriety. so, instead, bide your time. convince your human you’re different. give them gifts, show them bits and pieces of your Realm’s beauty, place slivers of magic in their hands, and do so freely given, or for small favors of seeing pieces of humanity. always allow for the promise, the hinting, of more. (trust me, they will always want more.) with the reveal, you might’ve lost some trust, but you’ve gained so much wonder.

iv. express sympathy if their friends are Taken. don’t crowd, especially if their anguish turns to acrimony. listen, even if they are only fury, even if they are almost-knight, rage like fiery iron, a weapon in waiting. if they journey to retrieve their friend, go along. advise and edit the deal as best you can. this is best freely given, but you could also say it is for a favor, then ask for something small, a song or a poem or an almost-valueless pretty thing. with humans, trust is the most important thing, and you mustn’t ruin it. gaining it once is always easier than mending it, trying to acquire it again. it is fragile, more fragile than this human you want, so you must be careful. they do not understand love as you do.

v. they will always want more. it is their nature. it is not that they will bore of you, but they will always seek deeper into you. this will be alien, and horrifying. it will feel like, rather than through your Name, they are trying to find your essence with their hands and their eyes alone. they will never look more beautiful than in these moments. they will also never look more terrifying. you have a choice to either break them now, or yourself. don’t worry, most choose the former. the latter is too garish & unfamiliar. you’ll wonder how humans seem to do it each time they love. (even if you choose the latter, “i love you” will always feel like baring your soul. it seems it’s supposed to.)

vi. choosing the latter is departing with part of yourself. it’s letting go of eternity, of immortality. it’s leaving power and magic and the Else behind. if your human remains at the between, maybe not completely, but you will never be allowed back as you were. in fact, it is dangerous to stay like that, in between, because the call of Home may grow too strong, and you will not be able to find your way back to either if you follow. but walking away from the Else, in the end, means giving your True name, if you can even pronounce it anymore. outside, to this is how everyone is referred, even if they must change the documents to get there. there will be no power behind knowing anyone’s Name. you will never feel totally comfortable being called your Name, but it will eventually stop putting you on edge and prepared for attack.

vii. i lied. (which you will be able to do, now, as well.) knowing the True Name of your human will make your now-human chest swell in a distinctly figurative way. very few ever get here, but this is where you’ll find those golden mornings, warm in each other’s arms. you will feel secure in this solid form, tucked under the solid covers in that solid bed, pressed against your solid lover, in a way your malleable-ness never was before. you will relax, safe. very mortal now, you will understand love (almost) as your human does, and all that was ever Fair in you will disappear to memory and superstition. you will not miss what you left. you will know where you are now is much better. i promise.

(of course, this outcome is so very rare. you would never give up so much for a human, would you? some little, insignificant human? no. no one can have so much power over you. you’d break the one you love first. of course. of course.)

companion piece: on loving the fae

[ais-n]

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVENT READ AFTERIMAGE! When Sin is in danger of termination after the whole almost killing Boyd thing, Boyd is surprisingly calm when he accepts the possibility of Hsin's death. After their heartfelt moment in the psych ward, Boyd cleans his attic while he worries. Most would be hysterical over a former lover's possible death, especially someone you loved so passionately and admittedly still loved. If Hsin had died, would it have hit Boyd harder than he expects later on?

Thanks for doing the spoiler warning in the question itself :D That’s awesome :)

You know, it’s been years since we wrote that and I reread it, which means my memory is less stellar of Boyd’s mindset at that time than it could be ^^; I’d probably have to reread from the start of the series up to that scene to make sure I remember all the thoughts at that time to give a 100% answer but I can give you a 90% one instead lol 

The short answer is: yeah probably :)

But, being me, I wrote a long ass answer with more context as well XD See that one below! (SPOILERS FOR ICOS THROUGH AFTERIMAGE, obvs ;p)

From what I recall (which could, again, be totally wrong ^^;;), I think if he seems relatively calm there it would be not unlike what you see him do in other parts of the series, best example I can give is early Fade. There, he reacts quite calmly to really terrible news at first, and holds everything together until he’s alone when he loses it. He was way less stable in Fade at that point than he is in Afterimage in the scene you referenced, but generally speaking Boyd tends to initially distance himself from things he thinks will be problematic or make him too emotional, and then later on deals with the emotions. 

Sometimes he doesn’t do that step and goes into immediate full freak out mode lol, but if you look at when he was younger after Lou and all of that, basically he determined back then that the best way to protect himself/live/etc was to have an emotional barrier there, just like his mother. An additional aspect in Afterimage in particular is he was trying to find a way to stand on his own, to be less codependent, etc, and part of his codependence, part of the issues he’d had that had turned everything into Major Drama Mode previously, was him freaking the fuck out over stuff related to Hsin and sometimes acting less logical than usual when it came to Hsin or his worries about Hsin. Or like, doing things that are reckless, whether or not they end up turning out okay. Example being, it was reckless as hell to break Hsin out of 4th in Evenfall, but he did it because he was worried about Hsin. At the same time, taking more drastic measures like that could end up backfiring on Hsin, or Carhart, or Ryan, or others–making others into the collateral damage Boyd usually was for others instead.

Boyd has an arc across the whole series of him slowly growing as a person, slowly shifting the way he views the same topics, slowly working on how to address things differently for a more stable and healthy response, and constantly adjusting things along the way as he messes up or finds something that works. 

But for all of that work, like you said, he loves Hsin. Like, REALLY fucking loves Hsin. So there is probably always going to be something a little illogical for Boyd when it comes to Hsin– some part of him will always want to do the thing that doesn’t make conventional sense with Hsin, because after having not felt any emotions for so long and after having lost so much, now having such intense feelings for Hsin to the point of recklessness and having such a fear of losing Hsin tends to make him over-correct himself in his pursuit to Do The Right Thing and Be The Person He’s Supposed To Be. When you consider he learned How To Human from Cedrick and Vivienne, two people with in many ways polar opposite views on love and humanity and the meaning of emotions and connections, and how he primarily learned friendship and love from Lou who was a bit reckless himself, he has a lot of competing views on things. A lot of expectations he holds for himself or others hold of him, a lot of back and forth in his emotions and his reactions. 

He kind of doesn’t know what the fuck to do with himself for most of the series, because he’d always been someone who only got support from one person at a time while everyone else judged or hated him. And his experience in life was that The One Person Who Loves Him always dies. That kind of background naturally can make a person hyperfocus way too much on a person once they get involved with them, and for a person like Boyd who additionally takes on the responsibility or fault even of things that aren’t his fault, he fears both being the reason that person dies, and not doing enough to stop them from dying. He simultaneously thinks he has to do everything to protect them while also feeling like he himself may be the greatest danger to them of all. Like he is inherently not worth loving, and anyone who pursues loving him will violently feel the consequences. Part of him feels like the best thing he can do for the people he loves is to leave them, and part of him feels like if he leaves he will lose everything of himself.

That kind of back and forth, that uncertainty for what is The Best Thing To Do, can lead to a lot of variation or experimentation in reactions. And sometimes it can also fuck things up.

So anyway that was a long way of saying, I don’t remember all the reasons leading up to that scene but I think all this went into why he may have seemed unusually calm. He has a lot of give and take in his responses to All Things Hsin throughout the series, and especially in Afterimage he was trying to build in that distance so they had time to focus on themselves more, so they could stabilize themselves with the hope that they would be more stable together. And one of those ways of stabilizing himself and hoping Hsin could stabilize himself too, was in trying to give a little more credit to others, to give up a little bit of the obsessive control that otherwise could easily be formed. 

So iirc, I think Hsin’s situation was beyond Boyd’s control at that time, wasn’t it? It’s been so long I’ve forgotten lol But I think at that point he realized sometimes he does more damage by trying to affect things than he does by letting the others like Carhart do their job to help. It isn’t always an easy thing to acknowledge or follow through on, but that’s where Boyd’s tendency to distance himself or try to downplay things internally to make himself freak out less comes into play. 

If Hsin had been killed, he definitely would’ve had a stronger reaction later, because at that point it would be something he could no longer undo. He likely would’ve asked himself a billion questions at that point of what he or others could have done differently for things to end differently and, being Boyd, most likely he would take all that responsibility and blame himself entirely. Personally, I think he would have been wrong to do that, because a lot of what would have led to Hsin’s death (if in fact he’d died there) would have been due to Hsin’s own actions and ultimately would have been the choice of the Agency, but blaming himself for life, the universe, and everything is how Boyd rolls so that’s probably what he would have done lol

Now, all that being said, when we’re editing we’ll end up rereading that scene and I have no idea if it might shift a bit. In the process of smoothing out other things earlier in the book, it may come to pass that that particular scene may need to be a bit more or less this or that way based on the mindset he would’ve had based on this or that circumstance. 

So you may end up reading this long ass answer and then years from now reread that scene and be like, “But none of this matches what you said???” If so, lol sorry XD Afterimage was written somewhere around 10 years ago so things shift slowly over time, my memory has faded of intricacies of his mindset or the plot, and my understanding of Boyd as a person has also increased after having had the fortune of being able to finish his story. I think it’ll be interesting to do the Afterimage editing for the Director’s Cut version of it, because we definitely don’t plan to do as much cutting or changing as occurred in Evenfall, but we do want to look at the narration of Boyd and Hsin in particular to make sure everything makes sense to us and also make sure everything has a smooth flow. 

So anyway that’s the longest way of saying that iirc his mood/reaction in that scene was part of the greater story of how Boyd changes over time but I don’t remember for sure, and that yeah if Hsin really did die there, he would’ve definitely felt more emotional impact later. At the same time-- also, if you think about it, Boyd basically knows or thinks Hsin dies or is imminently about to die in every single book of the series XD And he’d already dealt with that concept or reality a few times by the time that scene happened, which affects how impactful that concept would be initially. I think he was already slowly starting to morph from the “OH SHIT HSIN MAY BE IN TROUBLE ALERT ALERT DESTROY EVERYTHING SAVE THE CHEERLEADER SAVE THE WORLD??!?1/1/1” mode to “Oh hey, I’ve noticed a pattern of when I get too worried about a thing I’m emotional about: in my panic or fear I tend to make decisions I may not agree with later, and things get a lot more complicated” which eventually morphs into “Someone wants to fuck with Hsin? It’s cool. I’ve got a plan for that.”

It’s sort of like, I don’t actually necessarily think everyone always reacts the same way to the idea of a loved one dying or being in trouble. Especially if this is not the first or even second time a person has been confronted with the concept. 

For example, my dad has a bad heart, and I grew up with him just like, stopping breathing/his heart stopping in the middle of the night and me waking up to him in the hospital, or he’d go into the hospital almost having a heart attack, or he’d have to get heart surgery, or etc. By the time I was in college, the concept of him having a heart issue was not new to me, and (like Boyd) I’d developed an automatic reaction which to others probably seems bizarrely calm. One night I was in my dorm room watching something with my friends when all of a sudden I got a knock on my door. It was my cousin who lived nearby, wide-eyed, in a panic. She came flying into my room out of breath, freaking out because she got a message that my dad (who lived hours away in another state) was in the hospital currently having heart surgery and OH MY GOD they couldn’t get ahold of me because my phone died so she came flying over and OH MY GOD did I want to call my mom right now and OH MY GOD DANGER DANGER !!!!!! 

In that situation, she and my friends were more worried about the whole thing than I was. I was just like, “Oh, is he? Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to finish watching this show and will call my mom afterward. He’ll be in surgery for a while anyway.” Everyone else was like BUT WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT???!!! and I was like, “Why should I? I can’t control the surgery, I can’t control his heart, he’s had heart problems my whole life, he’s had other surgeries, the doctors know what they’re doing. Me freaking out does nothing except raise my stress levels and does nothing to help my dad. Better to finish what I’m doing and call my mom when some time has passed and they may actually have some updates on the surgery as opposed to calling right away when she won’t know anything but where the process of her rehashing it all to me will only freak her out more, getting her hyped up thinking it over in detail again when she has to sit alone in a waiting room because I live hours away and can’t sit there too.”

I love my dad, I didn’t want anything to happen to him, I wanted him to get through surgery and be healthy and happy, and if he’d died I would have been devastated. But freaking out to the level my cousin was freaking out (or honestly, even getting worried at all) would have done nothing in a situation I couldn’t control and which I had experienced in various forms already multiple times in my life. 

So I was calm and watched that show and called my mom afterward and dad got through surgery and everything was fine. Some people may see that as cold but I see it as a learned response to stressful situations. I imagine for Boyd, it was a little like that too because Boyd deals with grief or worry for others similar to the way I do, which is a combination of distancing myself to protect myself, and doing what is in my actual ability to help. He’s more reckless than I am in a lot of ways and I’m more open-hearted on a general basis, but I think we have similar tendencies to try to step back from stressful situations when possible and evaluate our best response or best actions. Which can mean for both of us (depending on where in the series, sometimes me more than him and sometimes him more than me) we can be really calm in the face of a disaster, and right away take control of it, looking for concrete actions that can be taken, a plan that is realistic and within reach, holding off on having an emotional outbreak to something where those emotions will only worsen or not help the situation, and overall trying to be more even-minded so that we don’t miss an opportunity for changing something for the better right now in the immediate aftermath that we would miss if we were too focused on freaking out or worrying or being scared otherwise.

It’s been so long so I could be wrong on all of this lol I could just be assuming it was like how I tend to react to things but it could be I will look at it differently when we get to that point. But for now, I’m thinking that’s the long ass answer to your question lol He would have definitely felt more upset later if the loss became reality, but until it becomes reality sometimes it’s better to focus on the littler things you can do, the tangible things in front of you, rather than obsessing on all the things outside of your power.

[helloarmchairphilosopher]

Writer's works in progress

I saw that someone else had written up their wip-s, so maybe writing up mine will make me GET ON WITH IT and help me write more on one (or more) of them. 1) 1938 Brooklyn Murder mystery: in which a Ripper (any killer with a knife is always dubbed a Ripper by the press, it's a thing) stalks the young men of the queer/gay community of Brooklyn. One by one young men die and the cops either can't or won't do anything about a few dead [slur]; the mob doesn't care either; war looms in Europe; the Mayor is trying to clean up the city before the World's Fair; the dynamics of the queer community itself is changing as men and women who previously might not have considered themselves part of it are thrown in with it, with new laws meant to manage a moral society; and two men, in exactly that predicament, are watching their friends dying at the hands of the Ripper and hoping they're not next, while dealing with feelings for each other. (The historian in me has run amok.) 2) The Sweater Curse: (Bagginshield) In which hobbits consider it bad luck to make crocheted or knitted garments for themselves (a sign that one has no kin) because sweaters are made and given between first and second degree blood relatives (parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren, aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews). Other kinds of garments are given freely. If a sweater is given to an unrelated person it is considered a proposal. In which dwarves make their own crocheted or knitted garments for themselves (a sign of their craft-skill and self-sufficiency). Other kinds of garments are bought and sold freely. If a sweater is offered as a gift to another person it is befuddling at best and an insult at worst. The Sweater Curse in our world says that if a person, usually a woman, starts to make a sweater for their significant other, usually a man, before they are married, the relationship will end. The fic I'd imagined had a happy ending - with Thorin thinking that Bilbo had been making the sweater for himself. "You loveable dunce, did you never notice I'd keep borrowing Kíli to size it correctly for you? I'd be swimming in it!" 3) transman Phil Coulson fic. I'm not trans, so I'd have to tread carefully here. My real aim is feminism and femininity. A male Coulson has leeway in a manner that a female Coulson would not. A male Coulson is not told that he is missing out on the essential manly quality of being a father and a husband; he is not automatically assumed, on walking into a room, to be the secretary or the assistant. Women always have to be twice as good to be perceived as half as competent, and then (often) they're told not to be a b*tch about it. But all this from the point of Clint Barton, who is kind of clueless, and who really loves Phil (I kind of love this ship and like the rest of the fandom I'm not really sure why), means that he just sees grade-A badass Phil Coulson. Full stop. No edits. No matter what is, or isn't, in his past, in his pants, in his medical file, or what his parents used to call him. 4) Werewolf romance novel Tall dark and handsome (TM) is the antagonist who is stalking and eating people. He's a creep who plays into rape culture and preys on young women who think that his bad boy vibe cover up anything other than a black heart. The protagonist is a smart and kick-ass young woman with a shiny degree and huge student loans working below her talents, as a barman, which is how she knows of the antagonist and his creepiness. She has a friend, her landlady's daughter, who is close to her age. (Yay for passing the Bechdel test? I'd better, after actually meeting Alison Bechdel.) The love interest is this sandy blonde dorky guy, a drifter who works construction and throws darts at the bar. When people start getting chewed up he's the prime suspect, and even our protagonist doesn't know what to think - but only until our antagonist tries to take a bite out of her, and he intervenes, as a werewolf. And from there it's your usual. I got sick of the werewolf books with creepy rape culture overtones and not passing the Bechdel test and thought, I could do better. 5) a Clint Barton/Darcy Lewis fanfic, in which she helps patch him up after Loki's mind control. In the comics, Clint had a pretty messed up childhood. Circus, dad who beat him, taught to shoot by a man who beat him and then used him first as a thief and then as a killer (or so I loosely understand; and I'd be using a variation on that in the fic, anyway). He would have had to have therapy for it at SHIELD just to be functional as an agent around people. But Loki's mind control messed with all that, breaking the locks and self-management he'd had for so long. He'd have major depressive episodes and PTSD following it. And Darcy, being a civilian, might not be the best person to bring him out, but she was there for Thor and the Destroyer. She saw some shit. And who knows what she had in her childhood. (I do, because I created it, but I'm the author and I can do what I like.) What was done by Loki cannot be undone, but what was done before Loki could, just maybe, be done over again, more painstakingly and with greater care, like walking around the glass shards of a broken vase. 6) a Fíli/fem!Bilbo fic: in which a pregnant Bilbo runs from the Mountain. (Thorin died of his wounds, but Fíli and Kíli survived.) Bilbo, in whatever feminized spelling of one's choosing, won't, can't, stay. The memories of battle, of being shaken like a rat over the gates of Erebor, are too fresh and too raw. The halls reek of dragon and she hears Smaug's eerie deep voice creeping in the shadows. No, she cannot stay. She must go somewhere green. A month, a year, five years, forever, she must go somewhere clean and cleansed. And Fíli, her One, can't go. She knows this. And she, even though she's his One, can't stay. Magic lover's nonsense and whatever, there's reality you have to deal with, and sometimes reality means PTSD and dragon stink. So they argue, the night after his coronation. She is due to leave the next day with Gandalf and it'll be the last time - it's emotionally fraught. He's mad and she's mad, because they both *want* it to be different. In my mind's eye I saw the argument, in the indirect result: his name was Frerin. And, of course, that can't be let alone, since as the eldest son of a king, half-hobbit or no, he is heir apparent to a throne, and a birthright. Tolkien wrote that dwarf populations at the end of the end of the Third Age and into the Fourth dwindled until the race itself failed - meaning that there were too few women having too few children. This is obvious enough from what we see in the appendices. A king having a son hidden from him and raised by a non-dwarf woman, even if she is his mother? A scandal, the fanon assumes, and I presume with it. 7) a Bucky Barnes in slightly more efficient and effective hiding fic. There's that photo going around of Sebastian Stan from the set of his latest movie and he has this big mustache, and jeez if Bucky looked like that, some people commented, and not all 90s Grunge, he might have escaped a lot better, since the photo Zemo circulated assumed that Bucky looked like a hobo. Personally I don't see Bucky growing that mustache (looking like Howard Stark, who he assassinated, would give him a heart attack). Nor do I see him as a teacher, of math or otherwise, as the original post suggested; he'd never pass the background check. But there's another picture of Sebastian Stan I saw that was also relatively recent (but before any of the photos from the set of I, Tonya) with a full beard, and if he'd grown that out, if Bucky had grown that out, maybe he might have looked like Norm Abram back when he was younger. So, maybe a carpenter. It's a sin to hide that beautiful jawline, but effective. Bucky would get away from HYDRA and SHIELD both, just by staying off the radar and not looking like what they expect. He could even use his real name - there are 4,207 other James Barnes-es in the US, what would make him special? There are only 27 Clint Bartons. One borrowed social security number, one rented house, anywhere would do but I was thinking Santa Fe (because I've been there and can describe it, it's cool enough in part of the year he can wear long sleeves outside and the rest of the year there's air conditioning and he can wear long sleeves inside to cover the arm, and because it's a tourist town, people with money to spend on his carpentry work). From my notes, in particular: He checks in at the spots the Smithsonian mentioned. Red Hook, Dumbo, Coney Island. Those spots in Brooklyn that are supposed to have had that towheaded little captain America to be and his sidekick to become running amok in the 1920s. Some pieces fit. Bits of bitty Steve fit in, here and here, slotting back into Bucky's memory. Steve is a huge, pun intended, part of who he once was. To have made Bucky forget Steve, no wonder he forgot himself - - or was it the other way around, that Bucky forgot himself because he forgot Steve? 8) nonfiction, Torah commentary, starting with Genesis (Bereshit). 9) nonfiction, the history (I've been working on for five years) of the Hasidic movement during the Holocaust. Various dynasties and their rebbes, and the rebbes' successors, and the survival of the Hasidim and the Hasidut - how it worked, where it happened, how it happened; but from there, which members of the rabbinical families did not survive? Why? What attempts were made to save them? When attempts were made, who was given first preference and what stated reason, if any, was given? These are questions that have not yet been answered. And I have limited access to Hasidim, by language and by culture. These are not questions anyone would ever give me a straight answer to, of course. I have strong suspicions. Nothing more. The demographics of death - these are records we do have - say a lot. And the final chapters of the book, or the last volume, or the next book, also needs to be written: the rise to power of the other Hasidic dynasties, the massive shift in power away from Poilisher-Yidish culture elsewhere due to the near destruction of that community. Lubavitch, Bobov, Satmar, Belz, and Ger - only the last is Poilisher-Yidish. Before the war the largest Hasidic dynasties were to be found in Poland: Ger, Aleksandr, and Radomsk. There's a lot here no one else has done. I suppose it falls to me. So, I have many things to work on. I have lots to choose from. If only my brain would ACTUALLY LET ME DO IT, DAMMIT.

[comicteaparty]

June 8th-June 14th, 2019 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 8th, 2019 to June 14th, 2019.  The chat focused on the following question:

What was the original incarnation of your current comic?  What has changed over the lifespan of the idea, and what has remained the same?

Nutty (Court of Roses)

My comic, Court of Roses http://courtofroses.thecomicseries.com/, was originally built around my first D&D character, a half-elf bard named Merlow the Rose. The comic was going to be strictly based on D&D, but as I started going gung-ho on the worldbuilding I started deviating away, making my own variations on races, making my own pantheon, and even formulating different magic rules and creatures. It's still largely inspired by D&D, and other fantasy works like Lord of the Rings, Elder Scrolls, etc., but I'm also trying to make the world my own, too!

Pencilz

My comic the Caraway Crew https://tapas.io/series/The-Caraway-Crew was originally based on my childhood friend group. Actually the very first incarnation I had with the Caraways was where we were all self-inserted into some large crossover fanfiction... it was pretty bad aha.(edited)

I just realized I said that twice oops

Draco Plato

The first incarnation of my comic....world was a Sailor Moon parody I believe. There was a boarding school and magical boys and girls that fought aliens or something. Firosofi was the "priest" of water and Affinity was the "priestess" of light (ironically her character hasn't seen the light of day in years). Apus was still around in that incarnation since Firosofi and Affinity were affiliated with it there too I think The initial premise still makes up the core of the Apus ideology I think; people fight in pairs against forces that threaten Earth. The focus since shifted to be much more character focused and on characters who were made much later (Damon and Lyall primarily). http://khyatix.com/

ErinPtah (Leif & Thorn | BICP)

But I'm A Cat Person http://bicatperson.com/ basically sprang into being (heh) fully-formed, but I pulled a bunch of the characters from earlier fanfiction incarnations. Jany and Kara Lynn got started in a Neopets RPG; Timothy was created as an OC member of Section XIII in Hellsing; Reseda and Cybele were from the same Sailor Moon exoplanetary team.(edited)

Leif & Thorn http://leifandthorn.com/ started as Colbert Report fanfiction XD It was so far removed from the source material that I spent years thinking "I should file off the serial numbers and try to publish this as an original work"...but it didn't click until I got away from the idea of doing a 1:1 adaptation of the fic's plot, and just used it as the foundation of a world where I could set all kinds of other stories.

AntiBunny

My comic AntiBunny http://antibunny.net/ started out as an all pencil sketchy comic about depression. It experimented a lot early on artistically as I tried to tear down my old style and build a new one. As it's changed over the years I've built up a new art style, and as I've changed as a person I'd say it's become its own story driven by the characters. The protagonist's depression and anxiety is still important, but I think the significant thing is that I'm seeing depression from the outside rather than the inside, and my writing has changed a lot as a result.

mathtans

Interesting topic. I might be unique in that my math comic started as a web serial (though I didn't know that's what it was at the time). Meaning text, but supplemented with drawings, because the point was that the graphs were character hairstyles: https://sites.google.com/site/taylorspolynomials/series/openbar

I gave it up after several years due to lack of interest, then brought it back as a web comic with many of the characters redesigned (parabola having twintails instead of bunny ears, for instance). http://mathtans.ca/ It then crossed over with the serial, meaning both sets of characters are canon and take place in the same universe. https://mathtans.blogspot.com/2017/04/math-character-bible.html

So the more it changes, the more it stayed the same? (As to plot, that tended to be whatever math concept I thought would be interesting, from archaic trig functions to fractals... I never knew where that'd be going.)

kayotics

The original incarnation of Ingress Adventuring Company https://ingress-comic.com/ was, like many other fantasy comics, derived from a D&D campaign I played in. I really loved the character I played (Toivo), and the campaign had finished, so I decided to keep using him in more stories. While the basic idea of the character is the same, I completely removed him from the campaign that he was in so I wouldn't have any issues with having to ask my friends to use their characters. Toivo has essentially remained the same, but large parts of his backstory and the entire setting has been changed from the original game I played him in. And, since I'm no longer tied to D&D with a comic, the rules of magic are a lot more vague. Similar to what Nutty said above, my comic is still largely inspired by D&D and other fantasy staples, but at least I can deviate from them as I continue to make my comic.

MJ Massey

Black Ball http://welcometoblackball.com/ is a much more recent idea of mine and hasn't really changed too much in terms of the overarching story, though minor things have shifted such as Maude becoming more of a main character, giving her a brother who is also getting more involved in the plot, and changing the role of a future character. But it's always been Emily and Chester solving a murder mystery.

MJ Massey

The shifts have been so minor and over time that it's hard to find where the "first draft" ends and the "next version" begins. But I've been mentally shifting things as I go along and see that certain aspects of the story need more attention for the ending to pay off or for the character to get well developed

Who the murderer is has stayed the same and how it happens and why. Just the circumstances around it have been smudged and fixed

Tuyetnhi

The OG plans I had for https://oiydcomic.com/ occurred after I was fiddling with twine to make a one shot short story, and an illustration series/zine project after having an intense dream. At first, I initially wanted to create it into an ero-romance comic about a woman having a one night stand with her dream lover, eventually living together after seeing each other for a few weeks. After thinking about it further (and some beta readers later lmao), I decided to develop into a romance-focused drama about acceptance and making life more than what is instilled in our dreams. I fleshed out Cara's (main character) modivations, her background in regards on courtship and romance somewhat seen in the asian-american experience (specifically Vietnamese-american rituals; some that retained after viet dispora came to the US in the late 80's - 90's and the effects on their children). Basically, from intense escapism to a general exploration on romance. With some common themes I've liked in 90's shoujo with some criticisms here and there.(edited)

Respheal

Galebound (http://www.galebound.com/) started off as what was going to be a short story. I posted it up on deviantART just for fun, and I was totally pantsing the plot xD I had an idea of a magician who for some reason couldn't ask questions, and the stablehand he kidnapped when he wasn't getting a horse fast enough. The original idea was that Din was on the run from something? And Conan was that hapless stablehand the protags burst in on like "I need a horse!" before escaping $antagonist or chasing someone. Originally Din was supposed to be a good guy, for real, just...more of a trickster to Conan's straight-faced act(edited)

Since its inception, the plot got way deeper and a gazillion times more horrible I think at one point an Obligation wasn't necessary for magic, and probably wasn't even totally compulsory But then the Pascal Incident happened and making the Obligation compulsory suddenly became much more integral to the plot and world. And once that happened, Din's backstory got more fleshed out and his character got darker. I still really wasn't sure what to do with Conan at that point, though. That didn't hit me until like seven years after the original five chapter draft going up on dA, and knowing Conan better changed everything It's fun :'D

snuffysam

Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R (http://sgkdr.webcomic.ws/) started off as a short film I made for an introductory film class in college (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibRdxNLd3Q4). The film is about a fan of a really bad anime forcing his boyfriend to sit through an episode. The production quality of the film is honestly really bad in retrospect (still got an A though lol). At around the same time as I was making that film, I had just watched... I assume Food Wars, and I was on a real "you could make a battle series out of anything" stint. Like, I would just have a notes document full of ideas like "a shonen series about math olympiads". One idea I really liked was "a shonen series, but it's actually just The Wizard of Oz". After I had finished the short film, I wondered what the actual series that the "anime" took place in would be like, so I decided to build out a comic. I outlined five books, the first being based primarly off the Wizard of Oz. And... the rest is history.

deo101

The first incarnation of millennium (http://millennium.thecomicseries.com/) was pretty much a "chosen one" story where the main character had to go kill an evil space queen and was the only one who could do it. I made about 6 more stories that I later decided I could put together, and the easiest way for me to combine them all was a highschool space story, which I developed for quite a while... Later I changed them all to be adults and started building the current iteration of the story (which has also changed a ton)

Desnik

My WIP comic (which has an ask blog: http://ask-a-warlock.tumblr.com/) started out as a video game idea incorporating Banjo Kazooie collectathon platforming with Ace Attorney trial mechanics....obvs I'm not much of a programmer or 3D modeler, so I went with skills that I actually know how to do: Write and draw(edited)

It had one incarnation where the characters run around all of Europe but it was much too much to develop within 250 pages so I scrapped that and focused on one standalone story, which I'm thumbnailing now and I'm hoping to get into the art stage by the end of the year

and now the page count is about 170 so hopefully that's an easier project to wrangle, when it comes down to it

[christinaepilzauthor-blog]

The Murder of Martha Reay: Victim Blaming in 18th Century England

by Lauren Gilbert

Martha Ray by Nathaniel Dance, 1777

It's a story that could be taken from 21st century news media. The evening of April 7, 1779, Miss Martha Reay left the theatre with a friend. As she started to get into her coach, James Hackman shot her in the face with a pistol, and then tried to kill himself with a second pistol. Within a year or so of her death, the victim was considered somehow at fault in her own murder, even though he did not deny killing her. This case was a sensation in the press of the day. Who was Martha Reay? Strictly speaking, in terms of the society in which she was born, Martha Reay (or Ray, or Raye, or other variations depending on the source) was no one. She was born sometime between 1742-1746 in Elstree in Hertfordshire, the daughter of a corsetmaker and his wife(?), a servant. She was apprenticed to a milliner or dressmaker at the age of 13 or so by her father. When Martha reached the age of 16, her father allegedly took her to a procuress with a prospect of prostituting her. By all accounts, she was an attractive girl (not strictly a beauty, but fresh and pretty in appearance) with a good singing voice and a kind nature. Whether through the efforts of the procuress or by other means, Martha became the mistress of John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, when she was somewhere between the ages of 17 and 19.

John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich, engraving, 1774

The Earl was a married man, aged about 44 years, and a career politician with a serious love of music. He had naval interests and was a patron of Captain John Cook, who named the Sandwich Islands for the Earl. (Contrary to the myth, the "sandwich" of bread and meat named for him was his quick meal to allow him more time at his desk, not the gaming table.) Unhappily married with only one living child (a son and heir also named John), he separated from his wife in 1755, shortly after which she was found to be insane by the Court of Chancery and was made a ward of the court. While his wife remained in permanent seclusion, he was unable to divorce and remarry. When Lord Sandwich took Martha under his "protection", he first placed her in a little house in Covent Garden with a companion, where he provided her with music masters. Whether the sexual relationship started immediately or later, the Earl took her (and her companion) to his family home Hinchingbrooke and treated her for all intents and purposes as his wife. She served as hostess at dinners Lord Sandwich hosted at the Admiralty Club for fellow politicians, and sang in two seasons of oratorios sponsored by the Earl. Over a 10-year period, Martha bore him 5 living children (4 sons and a daughter), whom he acknowledged. Sources indicate she actually had 9 children by the Earl, but only 5 survived. All accounts indicate that they were an affectionate couple.

John Hackman, hand-coloured copper engraving, 1810

In 1774, John Hackman (a birth date of 1752 put his age at 22 at this time ) met the Earl while riding with a neighbour of the Earl's, and was invited to dinner. At this point, he met Martha. Born in Hampshire, he was a handsome young man with the rank of ensign in the 68th regiment of the foot, of a respectable lower middle class family (originally destined for a trade, he went into the military instead.) Apparently, he conceived a romantic desire to rescue Martha from the Earl's clutches. Martha was several years older than Hackman and there is no indication she had feelings for him. Being in the neighbourhood, they met multiple times. Hackman asked her to marry him and she turned him down. Accounts indicate Martha cited her loyalty to Lord Sandwich and that she had no desire to marry a military man. Shortly afterwards, Hackman was posted to Ireland. In 1776 he was promoted to lieutenant, but subsequently had resigned from the army to become a clergyman, supposedly in hope that Martha would change her mind and marry him. In February of 1779, he was ordained as a deacon, then a priest, and was assigned as rector of Wiveton in Norfolk. Apparently, Hackman's infatuation with Martha continued, possibly even grew, throughout this separation, and career change. (There is no indication he actually served in his clerical capacity.) He went to London, and sent Martha a note asking her to meet him. Accounts indicate she refused and told him to give it up, in essence. (This response appears to be the only letter known to have been written by Martha in the case.) Accounts indicate that his acquaintances noted that he was increasingly depressed. Shortly after this, on April 7, he followed Martha to the theatre, where he saw her in company including Lord Coleraine, who he decided was her current lover. He went to get 2 pistols, waited in a nearby coffee house, then, when he saw her leaving the theatre, committed the crime. Stunned by her murder, Lord Sandwich had Martha buried next to her mother in Elstree. (Some accounts indicate he had her name engraved on a silver plaque which was mounted on her coffin.) In the meantime, during his murder trial, John Hackman pleaded innocent, saying he had not intended to kill Martha but only himself and that shooting her was a sudden impulse or frenzy, and his attorney said that he was insane. Judge and jury did not agree, especially because he had 2 pistols with him, and found him guilty. (Several witnesses also testified, which did not help his cause.) He was hanged at Tyburn April 19, 1779. Accounts indicate he met his end with bravery, asking to be buried near Martha, which did not happen. (His body was dissected at Surgeon's Hall in London.) The newspapers reported the case heavily, initially objectively. The supposed love triangle made it irresistible. Subsequently, Hackman's handsome appearance, his despair over his failed courtship and the death of his love resulting from his crime of passion made him a more sympathetic character. Speculation that Martha had somehow led him on then spurned him began circulating. Subsequently, a pamphlet (author anonymous) was published by G. Kearsley in Fleet Street, portraying John Hackman as good hearted yet misguided young man overwhelmed by his desire to save an undeserving woman. The romance combined with the facts that Hackman was a clergyman while Martha was a fallen woman appealed to the public's imagination. In March of 1780, G. Kearsley brought out a book titled LOVE AND MADNESS: A STORY TOO TRUE (written by Herbert Croft but published anonymously), to be the correspondence of John Hackman and Martha Reay over several years, supporting the view of Martha as the older woman taking advantage of a naive younger man then casting him aside, leading him to desperation. The book went into 9 editions. Even though the correspondence was forged and the book considered an epistolary novel when the author's identity became known, many accepted it as factual. Public opinion leaned towards sympathy with the murderer, and a feeling that the victim had brought her death on herself. Although Martha was known to have been concerned about financial security for herself and her children (given that the Earl was significantly older than she was and not overly wealthy), she had actually considered becoming a professional singer. There is no indication that she was ever unfaithful to the Earl or that she encouraged Hackman to believe she had feelings for him. Hackman's known letters indicated that he chose to believe that she might marry him; this belief may have had roots in his obsession with an attractive woman whom he felt needed to be rescued or, even more simply, a refusal to accept that she did not want to be with him. In my opinion, evidence does not support the theory that Martha toyed with him then cast him aside. After Martha's death, Lord Sandwich took care of their children who continued to live with him. Although one son died, the other 3 had opportunities and their daughter married an admiral. Lord Sandwich died in April of 1792. Mary Hervey, Lady Fitzgerald, was shown as his last mistress by one source, but another referred to her as a good friend to the Earl. Most biographical references for the Earl that I found do not mention a mistress after Martha. It seems he remained faithful to Martha's memory. I found nothing to indicate that he believed that Martha enticed Hackman. Sadly, you can still find speculation that Martha led James Hackman on in accounts today. Sources include: CASE and MEMOIRS of Miss MARTHA REAY, to which are added, REMARKS, by Way of Refutation on The CASE and MEMOIRS of the Rev. Mr. Hackman. London: M. Folingsby and C. Fourdrinier, 1779. (ECCO Print Edition) Stebbins, Lucy Poate. LONDON LADIES True Tales of the Eighteenth Century. New York: Columbia University Press, 1952. EverythingExplained.com. "John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich explained" (no author or post date shown). HERE ExecutedToday.com "1779: James Hackman, sandwich wrecker" by Headsman, posted April 19, 2015. HERE Plagiary. "LOVE AND MADNESS: A Forgery Too True" by Ellen Levy, 2006. HERE Pen and Pension. "The Rev. James Hackman and the Murder of Martha Reay" posted June 10, 2015 by William Savage. HERE Royal Favourites. "English Earls' and Countesses' Lovers and Mistresses" posted by Eu Royales (no date provided). HERE Smithsonian.com. "Fatal Triangle" by John Brewer, Smithsonian Magazine, May 2005. HERE Watford Observer. "Martha Ray" (no author or post date shown). HERE Illustrations: Martha Ray: Wikimedia Commons, HERE John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich: Wikimedia Commons, HERE John Hackman: Wikimedia Commons, HERE ~~~~~~~~~~ Lauren Gilbert, author of HEYERWOOD: A Novel, holds a B.A. in English and is a long-time member of JASNA. She lives in Florida with her husband, and is working on her second book A RATIONAL ATTACHMENT. Please visit her website here for more information.

Hat Tip To: English Historical Fiction Authors

[leseiichirosanoworks-blog]

Hide Away -Chapter 2- Introduction to each other.

Hoho, new chapter. 

Call it introductory chapter 2.0 because here they two get to know each other a bit and meh, you’ll find out.

The first part of this update will be dealing with some ‘dark’ thoughts, well, brooding to be precise so if you don’t like that then just skip to the next break. But it is somewhat important maybe in the later stuff I write so go with whatever you’re comfortable with.

I’ll burst your bubble right here and do I don’t really have much to write after this except a few excerpts based on the series. 

As usual, you can comment and talk to me here, on my twitter or my facebook 

Read below!

Ever feel like you're contradicting yourself?

When you feel like hiding away from everything, but still want to go out and experience things. You want to just be surrounded by the four walls of your room but also want to hang out with your friends. Two contradictions rise within me, and it's causing a painful mental battle that's taxing.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with my friends. They're good people who share a common interest with me, and they don't care that I don't know how to act in certain situations. They don't care that I can't find the words that I want to say and either vehemently go about stomping my feet or replace a number of words with a swearword and their many variations. Or a variety of sounds. Or nothing at all.

My friends are the kindest people I've known. Why would I want to hide from them? 

Hiding in my room with the lights off, the only thing illuminating the room is the light from my cracked phone. Of which I'm currently reading a long, 700 page fanfiction about Kingsman characters while Coldplay and My Chemical Romance blasting through my earphones.

It's both calming and daunting at the same time.

A single, stupid tear falls, tracking the round shape of my cheeks, dripping onto my hugging pillow. The one from Ikea, the one with repeated cat faces staring at you. It should actually be washed, too many times has it been an added buffer from reality and my current state. It shouldn't smell like a mixture of body spray and sweat, it should smell like whatever tears are supposed to smell like from the number of times I’ve cried on it. 

It'll pass. It should. 

I was ready to wring both the management's and tutor's metaphorical necks. Why did do we have an 8 am replacement class on the ONE day we don't have classes at 8 am. It's infuriating, to have my sleep robbed from me like this. What have I done to deserve this, other than sinning every time I turn my laptop on? Or that one time we kinkshamed SEH on snapchat. And I said we because the whole gang was involved, not only me.

The water was cold, but it was needed. After yesterday's sudden isolation case, it was like a barrier, a divider from then and now. Hopefully. I'm tired of being alone. Sniffles and sneezes aside, my phone lit up with notifications from our common text group.

UsaUsa_Tavşan: Yo Lorcan, ur boytoy’s here. [07:45]

Bdsm_Novice: He literally a cupcake. [07:47]

Bdsm_Novice attached a photo 

SinningFudanshi: A. Not my boytoy. B. Please tell me you took this picture at a distance. I don't think he'll appreciate this super flattering picture you sent to us. [07:47]

                        Bdsm_Novice: Try. Me [07:48] .

Bdsm_Novice attached a photo

UsaUsa_Tavşan: HOW IS HE DOING THAT. WHAT IS HE, A FAIRY AMONG MORTALS??? [07:50]

UsaUsa_Tavşan: No one should look this cute at 7:50 am. AM.[07:50]

SinningFudanshi: STOP TAKING PICTURES OF HIM SPANK LOVER.[07:51]

UsaUsa_Tavşan: Thb dude, you hooked something good this time. [07:52]

Shooting out of the room, I hoped that I could get there soon enough before our chat could be filled with pictures of Sitka and his somehow potential model shots. Well, it's either SEH has a good eye for angles and rule of third and some kind of random shit or Sitka's sold his soul to the cupcake gods to look that cute in every shot. I mean, how does he..he...my brain's dead and my soul is gone so I can't explain how cute he looked in those pictures.

Luckily for Sitka, I arrived in a record breaking 8 minutes, gave SEH the stink eye while snatching his phone and quietly sat down for the rest of the tutorial, in which we were required to split from our groups (this tutor took the time to notice which groups we were already in, so we couldn't fib) and join another. Of course, I took the chance to go to Stika. 

After much, much prodding,with both Tavşan and SEH threatening to tell him discreetly that I liked my men in short shorts and keyhole sweaters if I didn't get my ass to him. 

The thing is, Tavşan and SEH are NEVER discreet.

The last time they got away with this was in our foundation year. SEH maybe an introverted and  human interaction hating but trust me, they have their moments. And unfortunately that moment somehow included whipped cream and a limited edition dakimakura and...NOPE. Banished that moment. It's gone.

It's not like I didn't want to separate, it's just...didn't want to be a bother. Well, not that I am, rationally, but last night took it's toll on me. I did realise that I'm more subdued than usual and to my friends, that's okay, they don't bring it up. Or maybe they don't...know? It's not like you mention it to them anyways. Shut it, nasty ass. 

“How are we gonna go this?” Sitka's voice ricochets through my messy head space.

Oh yeah, the tutorial. Get your head in the game, buddy boy.

I glanced at the whiteboard, the words 'Be ye who seeks the truth' were written on it. Great, my favourite. What was the objective of this course again? “ Well, I'm not sure. You want to go through what you're comfortable sharing?” I asked him, taking in his features. Light gray irises, slightly glittering if there was a better word, were staring back at me. His hair, in it's usual pastel pink, three cowlick glory, had an Aloan Meowth hairpin in it, clipping his bangs back a little more that usual.

“ Just so you know I don't have a filter so you can probably ask me anything and I'll be fine with it. As long as it's in reasonable areas.” I say, smiling a little because he's probably tense. Hell, I'm tense. It's way to early to be opening up your heart and soul for a tutorial with a stranger because your lecturer wanted you to do so.

Sitka smiles a little back, saying “ Same”, and then proceeds to write in his notebook.

The Johari Window exercise involves four boxes, in which you fill in things about yourself based on the criteria given. And the outcome of this particular exercise is to be as raw and open as you can...because...that apparently helps? So in the first box, you write about what you think most people know about you. The following goes deeper and deeper, until the last box in which are things that no one may know. Not even you.

Is the lecturer planning to groom our inner gossip writer because this seems like the best collection of juicy data they can get their hands on.

“ Okay, so I am a nerd and enjoy being one very much” I began.

“ Obviously, I could tell when you wrapped that Dalek towel around you” he said, eyes twinkling with mirth, but suddenly turned solemn “ I'm sor--”

“ Dude, say sorry again and I'll assault you with bad fanfics and we'll both have nightmares”

I continued, stating that I have no filter and it never occurred to me that certain topics are out of bounds in certain areas.For example, I told him about the time where I waxed lyrical about this one person's perfectly shaped bara body. Of course, me being me, forgot that we were in a Toys “R” Us. Children could have been listening to weird teenagers  talk about perky butts and perfectly shaped pectorals and little chub. Perfectly adorable little chub.

Stika couldn’t stop giggling and if that wasn't the purest, most moe sound I have had the delight to hear in my lifetime then I don't know what that is.

 I could feel my friends stare at us in a distance, burning a hole into my head from the intensity. Wiping his eyes, he began his part of the particular Johari windowpane “ Okay, okay. I'm a pastel goth with two insanely beautiful friends and I like cooking. You can have some of the bisconti I made “ he took out his lunch box, which was mint and had this really cute succulents on it, taking off the top to reveal pale golden sticks of said snack.

“ I don't think I've done anything like that body worship story. But I bet everyone who's been in the same row as me in the theaters probably know I sweat bullets during horror movies and will hide in either Thea or  Irwin's hair” he scratches his cheek timidly.

 He told me that Thea and Irwin nurtured him into a nerd and they regularly host Dr. Who nights at their apartment. His favourite is the Eleventh doctor, because he's so quirky, and to quote “ His smile can send me straight on the path of a Dalek's photon blaster and I'd still be happy”. They apparently have a set of the first few Dr. Who series, which I may or may not have begged him to lend me.

Venturing into the somewhat darker realms of the other boxes, the mood changed slightly, probably due to the topics that are supposed to be discussed between us. The second box in the Johari Window would need us to point out things that you knew about your friend, that they didn't. And then it hit me. This is the first real conversation that we've had. And I didn't even know his cupcake highness even existed a few weeks ago. And here I am talking to him with a guideline for the exercise that usually good friends should be doing with each other. To learn more about each other. Yep, I have to thank my lecturer for setting this up and my good friends Tavşan and SEH for prodding me to go.

Haha, my brain's going to flat line or something, I'm so comfortable with him.

“ Well...I've only noticed you for a while---No wait that was horrible” Sitka snorts and I continue “ I mean that I'm not the most aware of people. I only noticed Tavşan cut her hair once 2 days after she did” to which he lets out a soft sound of unrecognisable emotion “ So...I'm not sure”

“ I know you had a..I'm not sure how to put this” he says, and I probably saw him falter a bit before looking me in the eye “ A sad day. You had a bad, sad day yesterday”  and I'm gobsmacked.

“ H-How?” I hate it when I say I'm comfortable with someone and BLAM, out of no where there's this kind of shoujo manga plot reveal of sorts. He pauses for a while and it makes me squirm just  a little bit, because seriously, how did this kid find out. Was it that obvious?

“ Your eyes, they're sort of dimmer usual when you came in today” he said, suddenly deflating and not daring to look me into the eyes, instead he focuses on glaring a hole into my shoulder or neck “ and like, I saw you brighten up a lot when you suddenly swooped in and took SEH's phone. And dampen again when we had to split into different groups”

“ Woah Sitka, that doesn't sound stalker-ish at all. Tavşan warned me about you, said you were going to kill me in two weeks” I say, trying to play it cool whilst I'm freaking just a little bit inside. “  But you probably heard that and decided to extend your surveillance period” Haha, I’m completely freaking out why I do sound so calm. 

“ I hope that that doesn't freak you out. I mean, you kinda carry your heart on a sleeve so....” he starts, still not daring to make eye contact but his eyes moved to my arm or lower, I can somehow magically feel it heating up with the attention it's currently being given. Did I mention that all four of our friends were trying very hard to make it seem like they weren't starting at us?

“ I think the only way you could totally freak me out is if you knew what are the songs in the playlist that I currently have. Come on, I dare you” He shouldn't be able to know, right? 

“ Coldplay, Yuri on Ice and probably a truckload of My Chemical Romance”

Consider me fucked “ I'm out! I am out, you're a cupcake assassin out for my blood!” I threw my hands up in mock surrender, to which he giggled again and whoop, there goes my brain. Short circuiting from the amount of moe that leaks from this dude. It's practically illegal. Bouncing from being scared shitless and then practically fluttering is probably not good for my heart either.

The mood changed again, as we coughed and ate bisconti awkwardly, entered the third part of this exercise. Which according to the hard to read side notes on our printouts, was the side that you hide from your friends. Something that you probably only rarely show at times. 

I actually didn't have much to hide or anything from my friends. What you see is what you get. Most of the times. “ I'm not sure if this answers the question but I'm generally pretty chill with my friends and how I act around my friends is usually the true image of myself?” Sitka nods, thank gods he gets where I'm getting with this.

 “ But also maybe because they see me as a happy person most of the time, I don't feel like I should show that I get sad a lot? Those sad and anxious moments are usually between me and dumb brain” I add uncertainly, before blurting out “ I have anxiety.”

OKAY. WHY DID I DO THAT.

Sitka shifted in his seat, turning to look at his friends. Now I'm worried, because literally no one drops that bombshell 15 minutes into the conversation. A conversation that only started because of a tutorial lesson.

To distract me from my rapidly anxious thoughts, I turned to look at Sitka's friends. The 'so pretty it hurts' pair of Thea and Irwin. Now that I've got my glasses back, I can really appreciate their attractiveness and how they sort of defy normal beauty standards? I mean, look at Thea, her look is handsome and rugged and she can pull off a suit and tie better than most male bodied people I know. Irwin is no different. They're so pretty and curvy and they carry a crop top with pride with their cute lil chub and wow, I'm gobsmacked again. 

Yeah, that's totally a way to distract me from my thoughts.

“ I wish I could be more open with my friends, especially Thea and Irwin” Sitka began, not taking his eyes off of them. “ I mean, I know they love me and everything but sometimes it's hard” I nod furiously, perfectly understanding what he meant.

“ I mean, I'm open about most things but sometimes, it's just I don't want them to worry about me. So I guess I'm the same as you?” Sitka finally glanced his ash coloured eyes at me and woah, pretty “ I mean, I'm happiest when I'm with them, so what you see is the sort of real me but I still have parts that I hide from them---” he stops and then looks at me with a soft expression “ I'm sor--”

“ Remember that threat about bad fanfictions?” I say, probably giving him the same look. Or not. It could be a smirk for all I know. He chuckles “ I get it, we're both holding back, even though we're so happy with our friends because they're one of the best things that ever happen to us. You don't have to be sorry, man. None of us do” We shared a sad, knowing smile before venturing to the next box.

Only we couldn't. The lecturer clapped his hands, jolting us out of the somber mood that had settled  between us. He said that that discovery time was over and it was time to discuss what each of us found out. We both looked at each other and shrugged, continuing to take notes from where we sat. The lecturer wrapped up our session with the usual stuff he says, talking about the benefits of this and why he decided to include this in his course and stuff. We also found out it was because he could listen in and now he has blackmail material. To which the class laughed and told him we got dirt on him from our seniors and we're weren’t afraid to broadcast it.

I was just glad it gave me a chance to talk to Sitka.

It's a different kind of comfort that I usually feel when I talk to my friends. Maybe because he gets it? But I'm pretty sure that my friends do, most of the time. I mean, I do sometimes notice how soft they can get when I'm in one of my moods and stuff. Talking to him felt as natural as it does with Tavşan and SEH, but in a way, but different.

I can't explain it well. But it's a good feeling.