#Drunken Twilight Review

[runningwithfangs]

Vampire Chronicles Book Review/Rant #2

The Vampire Lestat

I think we can all agree, what a turnaround! So completely different from IWTV. I’m not sure what I was expecting, probably something more like a Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edwards’ perspective) or a Slayer Chronicles (to the Vladimir Tod series) Turned out to be more of The Saga of Larten Crepsley (to the CIrque du Freak series)(I was raised by vampire books, apparently).

Anyway, what a ride! About halfway through I was feeling a little frustrated that we hadn’t gotten to when he met Louis yet, but I was also having so much fun reading about this Chaos BisexualTM. So much happens, so many dumb Lestat adventures, Nicki, Lestat’s turning, Gabrielle, Armand and his coven, Marius, Akasha and Enkil, Louis and Claudia, Rockstar music video films, vampires ablaze out of nowhere! 10/10 Romp, I had so much fun reading this.

Lestat is so many things, he’s cheery and determined to brighten the day of those he loves, he’s been beaten and abused by his own family, he hopes and dreams like any young person, yet also deeply fears the meaninglessness of life itself. I can for sure relate. 

I also enjoyed the way it was written, easy and lighthearted, even in darker parts Lestat describes things with humor to mask the pain.

Favorites:

I appreciate when Lestat takes the time to describe the wonders of the modern world, what stands out to him, what doesn’t. He’s blown away by film, excited by women in bare arms, that even poor people could eat meat. In later books he’s so excited by pens that can write forever. Super interesting to think about, and the though experiment of “what would a vampire think of world through the ages” is one of my favorite things about vampire media.

Lestat and Nicki’s relationship is so cute! Their drunken afternoons in “the conversation,” they take turns comforting each other from their familial demands and expectations. They go to Paris and live in a shitty apartment while they work their asses off in the theater trying to pay rent. It’s almost like a CBS sitcom, but like, in a good way. It’s so devastating to me that Vampire Nicki ended up like he did.

Gabrielle, my love! What a queer icon. She cuts her hair, wears men’s clothes, even Lestat gets in on it, trying to find her the manliest jewelry. I think about the freedom female vampires must experience in this series a lot. Gabrielle clearly hated being a mom and wife and living in a crumbling castle. And now she is finally free, freer than any of her wildest fantasies.

When Lestat asks her if she had become a vampire first, wouldn’t she also send money and gifts to the family and keep caring for them, and she’s just like, oh psssh yeah, of course 😂 

Armand/Lestat being worsties.

Marius spending eons hiding Those Who Must Be Kept only to pick up Lestat, go: I like ya kid, you got spunk, let me spill all the vampire secrets. Only for the Most Special BoyTM

When we FINALLY get the 3 whole paragraphs about Louis and Claudia at the end of the book, it’s not enough, but what is there is lovely. “Even in his crudest moments, Louis touched the tenderness in me” “But I loved him, plain and simple” UGH, Anne PLEASE. 

Least Favorites:

Why did Lestat slip his mom the tongue 😭

Not enough Louis 😡 (Little did I know there would only be crumbs of him from then on)

Vampire Nicki 😣 He hated Lestat in the end and then Armand cut his hands off! He deserved better. 

Smutt:

Nicki and Lestat getting drunk and making out at the tavern! Love that for them.

I am NOT counting Lestat/Gabrielle kisses.

If I missed something maybe y’all can let me know.

Nonsense Meter:

Medium nonsense, I think. Especially considering the books to come. 

Lestat flying and SCREAMING at the Theater. Lestat showing up to the catacombs to utterly destroy the cult with facts and logic and “New evil for a new era.” Lestat giving into the intrusive thoughts to kiss Akasha and play her the violin only to nearly get killed by Enkil, and OF COUSE, the whole Rockstar Lestat thing, with the music videos and the song lyrics and the Halloween concert. 

Misc:

It was Marius’s fault for sending Lestat to go live a human life! Thank you/goddamn you.

I am confused by how at the start of the book Lestat is interested in rock, he goes to jam with Satan’s Night out and loves the attention that would come with being a rockstar, but it’s only after he reads IWTV and gets all upset about it that he decides he’s going to get Louis’s attention by becoming a world-famous rockstar. “I ached for him, ached for his romantic illusions [...] his physical presence.” But once Louis does find Lestat, not much happens.

I was so excited for the reunion once Louis find’s Lestat and his band chilling before the concert, would they fight?! Would they make out?! And it was. . .ok, Louis tries to warn Lestat, and they dance around their feelings, and that’s kind of it. Lestat doesn’t even ask about the book!

Then I was excited that Gabrielle (post-concert disaster rescue) got to meet her shit son’s ex-husband! Was she going to be disapproving (no one is good enough for her boy), furious about the release of IWTV, or maybe try to convince them to give up mortal world shenanigans and go climb waterfalls with her? Nope, we got nothing, just wondering if it was Marius setting all the fledglings on fire. Anne . . . I don’t get it.

[raplinesmoon]

Isi Spotlights: Ugh-Yoongi

Hi!! Welcome to Week 1 of my author spotlight project and this week features the incredibly talented Jewel (@ugh-yoongi), who is also a fellow Jin bias 🥺 read on for some picks from her masterlist!

Full-length Features (long form fic feedback)

you suck! - ksj x f!reader, crack, fluff, smut, vampire au.

Read the full review here! Recommended if you’re into Twilight and want a vampire boyfriend.

the retreat - jhs x reader, crack, fluff, smut, childhood friends to lovers

Read the full review here! Recommended if you want to read amazing banter and join a cult (?) lead by Seokjin.

you're the first person to ever ask - knj x reader, crack, fluff, waking up married au

Read the full review here! Recommended if you want to feel single in 20 different languages, but also if you want your drunken fast food choices validated.

Tiny Tidbits (shorter picks from the masterlist)

the dogs of war - ksj x reader, political au.

Listen, all the references to the US political system had me chuckling so hard because they're all true. Like Seokjin and YN would have beef because he spelled something wrong on a bill, which made the enemies to lovers aspect so satisfying. Also I don't buy into politicians, but I would do anything that politician Seokjin asked me to do, he with the suits and million-dollar skincare routine.

when it gets dark - myg x reader, established relationship au

I've already read this before, but listen I didn't know a pwp could make me cry? This fic is genuinely healing, and uses themes of light and dark to tell such an important message about mental health and finding a support system, and Yoongi was the perfect vehicle for it.

the artist - jjk x reader, cyberpunk au

Ok JK in any cyberpunk au has me intrigued, but I kind of loved this a lot. It hits on a lot of commonly seen tropes with JK (cyberpunk, tattoo artist) and turned them on their head. Also the JK in here kind of reminds me of Seven JK with how persistent he is.

Kind Words (I just feel like complimenting ppl ok):

From reading Jewel’s works, I can tell her sense of humour is on point! And she has impeccable music taste from just a quick scroll through her blog. Also she’s a hockey fan >>>> 💕 if you do check out her blog, be sure to leave her lots of love!

[finding-the-daylight]

It’s been a long, stressful week. So, I’m going to drunk-watch Twilight (this is part 1, I’ll do a part 2 later). So far, I have drunk watched and reviewed Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1, and Breaking Dawn Part 2. I will probably drunk-watch and review New Moon some time in the near future. My sober review of Twilight is that it is the best of all the movies (But New Moon though, I know, it’s a very close second for me). I love that it was meant to be like a cool, niche indie film and Catherine Hardwicke is the best. The baseball scene. The meadow scene. The bio scene. Iconic. Anyway, my drunken thoughts are below the cut as per usual:

- So I know it’s like .0 seconds into this ish, but I just realized when Bella’s tlakign about dying in the place of someone she loves @ the beginning, we see the deer and then in BD2, when the mountain lion tries to kill the deer, Bella kills the mountain lion. Feels like symbolism idk.

- Phil really is like 25 years old lmao. Does it ever say how old he is? He looks young af. 

- Forks seems super depressing. Like the scenery is cool, but like there’s no one there? Only 3,000 people? Boring af.

- everything is so green and blue and aesthetically pleasing, thank you catherine

- i just realized the picture above the shelf with cds is also of a deer. the deer is important.

- the friendship between charlie and billy is all i want in life

- the truck literally brought a smile to my face. and the whsikey. 

- the high shcool looks more like a fancy ass mansion and idk why no one else has ever called out this fake shit

- eric is so precious an we deserved more of hom

- bella playing volleybal is me lamo i’m so uncoordinated at throwing shit liek that hahaha

- i just keep thinking about how anna kendrick forgot she was in this movie. if i played a character as written in canon by smeyer, i’d probably choose to forget it too. 

- mike is so fcking creepy lmao he could’ve been written better but smey r said no

- if people don’t look @ me and my mans on my wedding day the wya they look @ rosalie and emmett int he cafeteria scenr then imma fuking fight

- do not disrecpt carlisle like that hoe he is a flawless mna and deserve your full respecgt

- what the fuck i hate this scnee now that ik now abotu banner fck smyer’s nast y ass

- also lmao @ rob’s face he was foin to fuckng mucj

- wy the fuc did bella wear a bowling shirt over al ong gray shirt?

- my arms feel heavy af right now lmaooooo

- the lady they had play renene lowkey looks like krisen they did a good job casting them

- oooooh hell yeah eyes on fire time bitch

- emmett is my fave pullign up on top the jeep and hopping out like it’s nothing

- this scene is actually pwowrful because bella’s wathcin g the cullens but her human friends try to get her attention so it’s liek she’s being torn between the two worlds. cahterine’s mind

- i duckinf love the aesthetic and scnery of this movie

- mike really said how you likin da rain girlllllll lmao

- when edward apologizes though lowkey that shit’ cute and i would’ve fotgiven him too

- this bitch lied. tlaking about i don’t like any cold thing. homie. you a damn lie.

- “i’m just trying to figure you out” mhy ex said th  same damn thing lmaoooo bitch i ain’t about to let you figre me out unless yo uput a ring on it-

- whne i say edward stopping the van was ome iconic shit i mena inconng

- awww hell ya the hot doc is almost here

the moment i’ve ukjng been waiting on

- i love carlisle i’m so fucking thirsty for this bitch even though i just downed som mufng whiskey

- literally carlisle could get it period.

- rosalie is 1000% a daddy’s girl like anytime someone gives her shit she runs to carlisle and he’s got her back. he only supported edward and bella becaus esme did and she’s a hopeless romatic and carlisle loves that about her. but if it wans;t for esme, edward would’ve gotten his as sent lmao.

- if you see acreepy dude int eh corne of your room what ar you gonna do?

- agaain with the shot of bella being town between the humans vand vamps chathetiner’s mind

- tbh i eel like i know what should’v happened in canon better than smeyr at this poijtn and it’s not canpn that the cullens would’ve gone on a field trip. they just wouldn’t have like it’s extra risk and it’s unnecsary.

- edwar’ds fae when jessica rna upt talking about mike lmaoooooooo

- not gonan lie i love thsit shirt bella’s wearing when they’ra tlaking about la push kind of wanti kt

- the dumbas s salsd

- i want an edward fanvid to  bad guy by bullie easihr lish

- love thatb ella encouageed angela to ask etic to prom. a feminsit quenenne

- why di d theyr rcarst the original embry and quil? 

- when taylor said old scar tsotry the midwest accent popped thef ick out

- i love jow bellas all serious baout this shit and jake doesnt give af he’s like bitch it aint real lmaoooo

- i stan laurent and i’m so angry about what smeer did to him

why do people just layo out in the sun like this lmaoooo

- awww i’m so happy fro angela i love her

- bella was ahrdore fucking femimnist and it should’ee been more cental to the plot fmeinist bella never would’ve tolerated half the shit she tolerated from jale and edwar.snmeyr has no consitnency

- why tf would opu statt wlaking down a dark alley @ night

- edward saves the day from thos ecuckgjn scumbags

- i just relaized they/re usposed to be in wahsingtob but they have fucmngn oregon plates on the car lmaooooo

- but if a dude whopeped his car lioke that idc what kinda car he drove even a volvo that shti sexy aaf

- he looks so fcking angry lmaooooo @ jess and angela

- yhis scene is cute but it also looks like this is where rob regretted his decision t op lay an emo edodei boi

- the older ig et the creeperi it gets to me that edward followed her like yeah it worked and he ended up resuing her but like still creep yas fuk

- carlisle in that coat at the staitons does a lot for me

- if i was chalrie iw ould’ve given her a hwoel ass taser

- someone tell me why bella tbought the book if she was just goign to golg.e it all

- edward weares the same thign evry damn day lmaooooo

- why werent the yf facgtin eah other when bella was tlaking this shit is too mcuh 

- i wouldn’t be afriad eitgher @ carlise

- it would be fun to run tlike that thou lnao m

- the spakrling skin thuing is funny af while durnki thogjh

- eddie bou is so damn emo and overramatic liek bitch yo uuahgt feelings too chill thf out 

- efawrd remind sme s omcuhg of chuck in gossip girl has anyone else thoguth this

- bella striahgtu p toldthis dumbass she was aafrianf onky of losing him and he left her in the next one

- the meadowa as fucking iconing as everrrrrrr

- i;m not gonna make it through this hwole  movie i’m tired watch out for part 2

[natehoodreviews]

The damnedest thing happened while I watched Twilight Time’s recent Blu-ray release of Yuen Woo-ping’s seminal kung fu classic Drunken Master (1978) the other night with my best friend Greg. For whatever reason, the audio channel kept switching between the original Cantonese audio and the English dub. Conversations or fight scenes would begin in Cantonese only to switch to the nasally, whiny American voice-overs and back again without any rhyme or reason. After some checking, we found that all of the audio tracks were the same mixed Cantonese/English one. What we didn’t know was that this was intentional: there were missing audio elements from the copies used for Twilight’s Blu-ray transfer, so they were forced to create a soundtrack with bits and pieces from both languages. But it was a Friday night at the end of a long workweek, so we shrugged, turned on the English subtitles, and went to town on boxes of take-out dumplings and noodles as we enjoyed one of the films that made Jackie Chan an international superstar.

After a while, Greg leaned over to me and said that this was one of the greatest things he’d ever seen.

“I won’t lie, I want ALL of my kung fu movies to be like this from now on,” I joked.

“Forget kung fu, I want ALL my movies to be like this,” he fired back.

Yes, there was more than a hint of sarcasm in our voices. But after mentally synching with the bizarre fluctuations, the faulty audio track grew on me. It was as if I was simultaneously witnessing two different realities of Drunken Master: the unaltered Cantonese original and the campy English version shown all over the West, spreading the gospel of wuxia cinema and Jackie Chan. And what a gospel! The stern seriousness of Bruce Lee and his imitators abandoned in favor of manic slapstick; the rock’em sock’em chaos of Buster Keaton made manifest in ancient China; the bone-shattering elasticity and indestructibility of a man who seemed less human being than cartoon character.

It was the birth of a new legend. And it’s thanks to Drunken Master and its sister film Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow that we have it in the first place. Both were released months apart in 1978. Both shared the same director and most of the same supporting casts. Both centered on outclassed, naive fighters who become masters at kung fu with the help of odd, eccentric teachers played by the ancient yet sprightly Yuen Siu-tien. Both are menaced by evil, cold-blooded killers played by the cruelly visaged Hwang Jang-lee. And both established Jackie Chan as Hong Kong’s biggest movie star. He had labored in their studio system for years, being pushed by producers as the successor to Bruce Lee following his untimely death. But it was only with these two films that Jackie became the clown prince of kung fu comedy. It was a stroke of genius for Twilight Time to release them both as a Blu-ray double feature. And even with the eccentric audio track, it’s a worthy purchase. In fact, the broken audio track might make it indispensable.

To read the rest of this review, click on the link!

Published on TheRetroSet.com

[heyheydidjaknow]

If I bounce my foot, it makes this chair sound like someone is doing unspeakable things. Also, it has been a hot minute, but I have a chapter written now, and that's what matters. Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner than later.

Chapter 16

You are going to kill him.

“That is absolute fucking horseshit!” You pace back and forth in front of the restaurant. “His ass was the one who invited me!”

You can practically hear his eyes rolling on the other end of the line. “How is it my problem if he flaked?”

“You’re guilty by association!” You cross your arms. “It’s a favor to you! How is it not at least partially your fault?”

“Because he said he’d be there.”

You hang up on him. You have been standing here for half an hour, and only now do you hear that he can’t be there because of something about a movie. While, under different circumstances, you would be relatively understanding, standing outside in a dress in November is making you a bit less amiable.

You sit down on the step, letting your hair down and leaning forward on your knees. ‘What a waste of a perfectly good twilight.’

You pull out your phone. It’s your father’s birthday back home, ironically enough. You smile bitterly. He and your mother told you when you were younger you wouldn’t be allowed to date until you were eighteen— something about them being worried about you getting in a bad situation— and here you were, flouting their rules, sitting alone on the steps of a restaurant with just enough money for food. ‘Does this count as disrespectful?’

Nobody online has said anything about it. No messages hoping he rests in peace, nothing from extended family.

You set the phone down at your side, quietly watching people walk by. You had your cast taken off today. The people at the hospital gave you some sort of weird juice, and now you can walk around with only the occasional ringing in your ears and half-decent handwriting. ‘Not that my handwriting was that great before,’ you muse. ‘Maybe I’ll finally be able to sit in a car without wanting to jump out.’

“Something got you down?”

There is a thing you have noticed about people’s voices thus far that, until now, you have not thought about in detail; people do not sound exactly like their voice actors back in your world. For example, Donatello does not sound like Rob Paulsen, but the way he shapes his words, the tone of his voice, and the general pitch is relatively similar. He sounds like a teenage boy who happens to talk like his character, and it is by this you have been able to identify voices.

Oddly enough, she sounds nothing like Kelly Hi.

Your blood goes cold. “Yeah,” you sigh, desperately keeping your voice steady. “My date bailed on me.”

Karai sits down next to you on the steps, looking out with you. “That sucks.” She chuckled. “Why’s that?”

“No clue.” ‘Why is she trying this?’ You rest your head on your knees, hands clenching and thoughts going a mile a minute. ‘I’m not made by the Kraang, and the guys shouldn’t have messed with her anyways, so she shouldn’t have my— but I did kill— but she doesn’t care about that, and neither does Shredder.’

“Well,” she sighed, “that’s teenagers for you.” She points back at the restaurant. “Can I get you something? My treat.”

You swallow thickly. “Sure.” Your hands are shaking despite your best efforts. You hope you do not look as completely terrified as you feel. “But I can pay for my own food.”

“Are you alright there?”

‘Sadist.’ You nod.

“Are you sure?” She chuckles. “You’ve gone pale.”

You scramble for a plausible excuse. “I’ve been fasting.” That is not a good example of an excuse. “I need to start getting more iron in my diet.”

“I’m sure some food inside will have iron in it.” The smile on her face— she is not a good liar herself— tells you all you need to know, all venom and quiet pleasure. You seem to shrink next to her.

It is not a request. It is a veiled demand.

You get to your feet. You will not make it far if you run. “Have you been here before?” You force yourself up the steps, opening the door for her.

“No,” she admits, nodding thanks, “but it’s supposed to have good reviews.”

“So you were here for the food?”

A shrug. “You could say that.”

The two of you settled in a booth not terribly far from the door, on your insistence. If you are putting yourself in this situation— ‘At least Casey knows where I am. Why did he have to suggest someplace where I know nobody?’— you may as well not make it easy for her. She orders a milkshake— you can not hear her very well over the roaring in your ears, but that is what she gets— and you drink water exclusively from the straw because your hands are currently incapable of holding anything. ‘What was even the point of all those dexterity-based exercises,’ you cannot help but internally whine, ‘if as soon as I need to be coordinated, I get all flinchy and shaky?’

“I didn’t catch your name.”

Your head rises too quickly. “Huh?”

Another smile. You hate her. “Your name,” she repeats herself. “You haven’t given me your name.”

“Y/N.” As soon as you say it, you know you messed up. “Y/N Collins.”

“Collins?” She leaned against her hand, quietly staring you down. “What is that?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, what country is that from?”

‘Great question.’ You strain to smile back. “No clue. My parents haven’t ever brought it up.”

“Really?”

Your face burns at how easy the clinking of her fingernails against the glass puts you on edge. “Is that unusual?”

“I wouldn’t know.” She took a sip from her drink. “I don’t have many friends, you understand, and I’m from overseas to boot. I don’t know much about what’s normal.”

“Yeah?” You follow her example. “What’re you here for?”

A shrug. “My father’s here on business. Cutlery.”

“For restaurants or?”

“Sure.”

‘If I call Casey, he— but then I’d have to be in his van.’ You clear your throat. ‘Bathroom. Maybe the bathroom has a window.’ “Do you mind if I step out for a sec?” You stand up. “I have to use the restroom.”

“Not at all.” She looks up at you through her eyelashes. “Want me to come with?”

You shake your head, trying not to trip over yourself as you make it to the back of the restaurant, purse over your shoulder. ‘Maybe she won’t think anything of it.’ You lock the door behind you, exhaling as you look around the small room. As is typical of your luck these days— though, you suppose, fighting back tears, it’s not so much these days if it’s been going on for months; you miss your mother— there is none. Graffiti, sharpie illustrations, no toilet paper, and no window. No plan for if the date went badly in the first place— you kick yourself for having forgotten that essential step— and no ride home. You have money for the ticket home— he said he would pay— and a phone and a charger and it is at times like these where you wish you valued your life more. The only chance you now have, as far as you’re concerned, is to either run or fake a phone call at the table.

You just got out of a cast.

You take a deep breath, walking back onto the floor, thanking her for her patience. She nods, waves it off as no trouble, and starts talking again as she drains her drink. You listen, you try to keep the conversation going the best you can, drink right alongside her.

You do not remember when you start having fun, when you start laughing along with her at something or other, but you are now.

“So,” she sighed, lacing her fingers together under her chin. “Who was the lucky guy?”

You blink. “Huh?”

“The guys you were here to meet.”

“Kid from Bio,” you answer. “Can’t remember his name.”

She nods. “Do you have many guy friends?”

“A couple, I guess.”

“What’re they like?”

“Busy.” You smile slightly. “Most of them are, anyway. The guy that set me up is free most of the time.”

“What about the others?”

“They’re into martial arts.” You glance down at your glass, and for a moment, you swear it looks slightly blue. “Their dad’s into it.”

“What’re their names?”

You blink, picking the glass up and placing it on top of your hand. “Reese and Donnie and Legoshi and the other one.” ‘Why is my drink blue?’

“The other one?”

You nod, eyes drooping slightly as you struggle to rationalize the color change. “Can’t remember his name.”

“Michelangelo, maybe?”

“Maybe.” You take another sip, trying to taste what it is. “That name sounds familiar, but I can’t remember from what.” Something with salt.

“You said your name was Y/N?”

You nod again. ‘Water isn’t blue, right?’

“Then, Y/N,” she smiles again, eyes slowly drilling holes into your skull, “do you know who I am?”

“Legoshi’s sis, right?” You look up at her. “You’re Karai Hamato.”

Your eyes are too blurry to tell exactly what is happening with her face. “What?”

“Your name.” You take another sip. “Karai Hamato. Or Missy. It’s one of the two.”

“I’m not a Hamato.”

“Yeah, you are.” You giggle before the words slip out of your mouth. “You’re fucking— well, not fucking— you let stepbrother, right? Half brother?” You are forgetting something important. “Are you two blood-related?”

“We aren’t.”

“You sound angry.”

A blink. “I do not.”

“Do too.” ‘I don’t like her for some reason.’ “You’re getting all red in the face.”

“Because you’re accusing me of something I’m not.”

“Fuckin…” you grin. “If you’re into that shit, I’m not gonna fuckin judge you or nothin, but at least fuckin… uh… own up to it.” Your eyes drag across the table lazily.

“I’m no Hamato.”

“You are too.”

They land on a plastic bag.

‘Oh. That’s why.’

“Who told you I was?”

“Your stepdad.” You get to your feet, holding your bag. “Or dad, I guess? I dunno, whichever one didn’t kill your mom.”

There’s something else in her voice as she gets up, following you out. “How do you know that?”

“I just said how.” The cold air outside hits you like a brick. ‘Run.’

“So you know where—“ You shove your weight back on her, slamming her body and in turn her into the brick wall and run.

She grabs your something. You fall, head slamming painfully against the ground. You kick her, she grabs your hair. In what you might later describe as a drunken effort, you reach your hands up towards her face. You feel something squishy, a cry, and she’s facing you now, dragging you into somewhere considerably darker than outside at night. You feel something in the back of your head, she covers your mouth as you cry out, and you do the only thing you can think of.

You taste something again. Something is in your mouth. She stumbles back. You trip up to your feet, and you fall in the direction of the nearest subway tunnel.

The things happening around that time are swirling around in your head, now, face held in your hands as you quietly curl up on the subway. You do not remember entering a train car, or buying a ticket, or even what happened to the object in your mouth, but the crying you remember. You remember someone touching your shoulder with a soft voice, looking up with your mouth covered in sticky, dried stuff and fingers covered in red and clear goo, and that being enough to have them get off at the next stop.

You do not know how long you are on the train. When you finally feel yourself again, your phone is almost dead. Hours must have passed. You do not remember leaving, but you remember the ringing in your ears again as you dial someone, sitting on the sidewalk in what used to be the only dress you owned. You are reasonably sure you are going to burn it.

—

“Is this okay?”

“What?”

“This.” Mikey gestures around himself. “What we’re doing.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“They’re people, right?” He looks over at his brother, currently skimming the same magazine again. “The Kraang, I mean.”

It takes a second for him to process the question, but Donnie does not have to look up from his sewing to know his brother’s reaction.

“It’s just a question.”

“A fuckin— do you hear yourself?”

“I’m just—“

“Leo,” he turns to his older brother, “is killing the threat to all of humanity wrong?”

“But we just blew up a giant ship of them though.” He crisscrosses his legs. “Aren't we killing a ton of people, then?”

“Mikey,” Leo sighs, not looking up from the TV, “there are more people in New York than there are Kraang that we could ever kill.”

“Eight million.” He sincerely hopes the gloves are not too large. “For number's sake, it’s eight million.”

Leo shoots his brother a thumbs up, glancing over at his brother’s project curiously. “Thanks, Donnie.”

“Even if we were actively going on a killing spree and mowing them down that way, there is no way in hell any of us could kill two million Kraang per person even if we wanted to. That’s not even talking about the number of people who would be fucked once they were done with New York.” Raphael punctuates this with a pointed and aggressive flip to the next page. “End of story.”

“But—“

“And even if they stopped at New York,” he continues, cutting him off, “that would still be eight million people dead because of us getting cold feet.”

Mikey opens his mouth again, sighs, and closes it. “Fine, okay.” He leans back against the concrete, eyes going back to his phone. “Anyways, why do you keep getting water on your thing?”

“Hm? Oh, you mean the gloves.” His taller brother looks up. “It’s easier to get the needle through it when it’s warm and wet. Plus, it makes the— stop laughing!”

“Then you thought it too.”

Heat rushes to his face. “You’re so immature.”

“But you thought it too. That's hypothetical.”

“You mean hypocritical.”

“I said what I said.”

Michelangelo’s phone rings.

He puts a finger, bringing it to his face. “Hel— hey, slow down.” His brow furrowed, the other three leaning towards him. “No, wait, what— who’s she?”

There’s a pause.

“She did— wait, hold on.” He tosses the phone to Donatello. “It’s for you.”

He catches it. “Hello?”

“Could you pick me up?”

He blinks. “What, with the Shellraiser?”

Your voice is paper. “Yup.”

“You hate the Shellraiser.”

“She wants to go in the Shellraiser?”

Donatello waves his younger brother off, letting you talk. “I hate Karai more, currently. Please pick me up.”

Leo pipes up. “What happened?”

He ignores him. “Where are you?”

There is a pause as she checks, his brothers watching for his reactions. “One-oh-three Saint Corona Plaza.”

“Got it.”

“What happened?” Raphael, this time.

“Need me to stay on the line?” With a pointed glare at his siblings, he climbs into the ‘raiser.

“Please.”

He calls behind him at his brothers. “I’ll be back before two.” The phone is brought back up to his face as they moan about a lack of info. The machine is spurred into motion. “What are you doing in Queens so late?”

“No idea.” He can hear your strained smile. “Ask Karai.”

His heart stops. “What happened with Karai?”

You repeat your statement.

“She didn’t—“

You cut him off. “I’m not back in the hospital, no.”

He resists the urge to sigh in relief. “Did she follow you?”

“I’ve yet to be hit over the head, so I’ll hasten to say no.” There is something off about your voice, a certain quality about it that he cannot quite pin down. “I’ve been essentially useless the whole time, what with her drugging me and all.”

“She what?”

“I think she did, anyway.” It is incredibly disturbing to him how calm you sound. “Unless water’s blue and kinda tastes salty now. I don’t imagine it would be though,” you ponder, chilling years off of his life, “even if you guys messed up the mission. It would be green, since that’s the color of the acid, right?”

He mumbles something out about indicators, head reeling as he tries to not hit a street lamp.

“That’s what I thought.” You sigh. “Say, have you got any hydrogen peroxide at your place? No, wait, scratch that, I’m burning the dress anyways.”

“Dress?”

“Yeah.” You huff. “Last time I’m letting Jones set me up on a date. Last time I’m going on a date period until all this gets worked out, actually.”

‘It is not okay to feel happy that she had a bad date.’ Still, he tries to steer the conversation away from the horrifying for a minute. “What happened?”

“I got stood up.”

“Why?”

“I forget. Where are you?”

He glances up at the street sign. “Still pretty far.”

A pause.

“You know,” you swallow, “I should really stop doing this. It’s not exactly great of me to have to ask for your help all the time.”

“None of us mind.”

“That’s not the point.” He hears a car on your end whizz by. “I should be able to go a week without making you go out of your way for me. You guys manage.”

“We’ve also been training in ninjutsu since we could walk.”

Tired, he decided. You sound tired. “Other normal people manage.”

“You’re not a normal person, though.”

“Sure I am.” Your words sound slow to him. “I keep interesting company is all.”

“That’s a word for it.”

“What, don’t count yourself as interesting?”

He turns a corner. “Not the first word I’d use, no.”

Another long silence. Occasionally, he notes, you will him something into the phone, say a quiet, unintelligible word of phrase he cannot quite make out, presumably in an effort to continue looking like you are on the phone to passers by. The streets, like most nights nowadays, are mostly empty, save for the occasional cop car or kid, making the commute a relatively uneventful one. It gives him time to think, anyways, and after a while of quiet contemplation and forced slow breaths so he did not look quite as panicked as he felt once he picked you up, a question quietly surfaces.

He would have come in a heartbeat. He was not exactly sure what he would have done, but he would have come running, regardless of if he could help. Why would you not call? Why would you try and deal with that sort of situation alone? Did you not trust he would come?

His fingers tighten around the wheel. What had you been thinking going out alone, anyway? After all that was happening, you thought it was a good idea to go on a date without a plan for if it went south?

Another sharp turn. If nothing else, he thinks, he can not say you are no longer naive or lacking in innocence. Maybe you are just incredibly prideful. Regardless, it will get you in more trouble than you had to be in.

What would he do if you got yourself irreparably damaged?

—

You are not having a good time.

You have managed to convince yourself that this is not, in fact, anything like the car. For starters, it is less aerodynamic; it is a metal box on wheels, designed for subway travel and is, therefore, not designed for optimum wind resistance, meaning it cannot go as fast with the same amount of energy. The inside of the vehicle is also distinctly dissimilar to a car, its origins blatantly obvious, and was entirely lacking in windows. While this is enough to convince you currently that climbing into the machine is not as serious a death sentence, the fact of the matter is that, yes, it is a metal monster on four wheels that drives on roads. If you keep your eyes shut, maybe you will not vomit as soon as you stumble out of the door.

Your stomach hurts. A lot of your body hurts, actually. You do not remember the “fight” with much clarity, but you do understand your head hurrying. You have yet to get a good look at yourself, but if you had to guess by the stains on your fingers that you can now identify as blood, the bad taste in your mouth that you are fairly sure is vomit and the flaky stuff on your face that also looks suspiciously blood-like, you would hasten to guess the answer is “not great”. You certainly do not feel great, if that is indicative of anything.

He has not said a word so far.

You do not force conversation, now. You would prefer not to talk about the ordeal, anyways.

There are monitors that he is staring at in order to steer. Why he would not just get an actual steering wheel or the old hull of a car from a junkyard is beyond you, though you guess a hippie van would not offer the same armored protection as a subway car.

“We got molested by a sea monster today.”

You look over at him, eyes half lidded. You want to sleep. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” His eyes are focused on the screens. “Apparently it liked my submarine.”

“That’s… a thing.” You rub your hands on your thighs absentmindedly. “How did that work out?”

“Fine. It wasn’t all that strong.”

Your lips curl up into a weak smile. “That’s good, then. The mission went alright?”

He nods. “Without a hitch, funny enough.”

“That’s cool.”

The conversation dies as quickly as it starts.

The drive from that point on is an uncomfortably quiet one. You pick blood from under your nails, thumbs occasionally tracing the scars on your fingers— you are still not used to the difference in texture— as the hum or an engine rumbles underneath you. You are reminded of a memory from when you were younger, driving down the hallway, basking in the warmth of your own body heat with your arms tucked to your chest from under your top layer. The machine you were in now was colder, staler, but the hum of the engine, the time, all reminded you quietly of simpler times.

You swallow thickly. ‘I’m such a coward.’ You shut your eyes gently, stomach churning. ‘I’m going to get the people I care about hurt, aren’t I?’

Donnie says something.

The Shellraiser is stopped. You look up at him. “Huh?”

When he was younger, he and his brothers did not know the limits of their own strength. When they were first learning to fight, when they were first sent to spar against one another when their sensei was asleep, they would often go a step or three too far. He was never one to get involved— his brothers were stronger, more enthusiastic fighters— but he remembered distinctly what they would look like the morning after a fight, cheeks and eyes various shades of purples and blues and blacks. They would ask him, on occasion, after particularly brutal brawls, for him to paint over whichever brother’s face— usually Raphael or Leo— to hide them from their father. He got used to the sight, got better at understanding their anatomy, which chemicals mixed together would do which things.

He is getting sufficiently tired of seeing you hurt the worst he has ever seen.

You look so small in the seat, face black and blue, hands shaking. Your skin is paler than when you two first met, less healthy, a thin coat of sweat coating your skin and hair stuck to the back of your neck. Your dress— he has never seen you in one— is stained with rust, hidden poorly from under your jacket. He can tell already which bruises will take a while to disperse, where she had busted your nose and slammed your head against something hard. You need a shower and water and a blood test to make sure you do not die from whatever Karai gave you.

He clears his throat again. “I don’t want to be rude.”

“You’re doing me a favor. You have a right.”

He does not look you in the eyes. “It’s just… can I ask a question?”

You sigh. Even your voice sounds tired. “Shoot.”

His fingers trace the rim of the steering wheel. He takes a slow breath. “Why didn’t you call?”

“When she cornered me, you mean?”

A nod.

He glances over at you, staring down at your hands, turning them over. “You were on a mission. I didn’t want to mess it up.”

“I would’ve come, you know.”

“I know.” You smile ruefully. “That’s why I didn’t.”

His fingers grip the wheel again, trying to not openly overreact. “Y/N,” he says carefully, “if a mission fails because we need to come save you from Karai, then we fail the mission.”

“How many people in New York would die if you guys did fail?”

“That’s not the point.”

“It is.” You look up at him. “You get yourself in a lot of trouble because of me. You have to make sure I don’t kill myself all the time. Think logically, Donnie.”

He snorts, heart pounding in suppressed, almost overwhelming frustration. “Are you going to say something about thinking logically?”

“Fair point. But you get mine, right?”

“I don’t, actually.” He leans back in his chair, fingers gripping tighter still. “The only reason we’re messing with the Kraang at all, the only reason we started all this, is because I saw you and wanted to help you.” He counts on his fingers. “The only people I really, honestly care about this much are my family and you, and I know that, if I had never met you,” and he looks you dead in the eyes now, “I would just make a filtration system for my family and that would be the end of it.”

Your eyes are still gorgeous. Behind the bruises and the blood, you really are stunning.

“Sure,” he concedes, “maybe Leo would’ve gotten involved because he’s that selfless. I would’ve gone along with it, since he’s my brother and all, but if that were the case…” He takes a slow breath to calm down. He never thought it would come out right now at all times. “If that were the case, I would’ve never tried red velvet cupcakes. Mikey wouldn’t have a friend outside of the family. I never would’ve learned about crime movies, or had talks about science with anyone but myself, or any of the thousand other things you’ve given us.” He does not know exactly when he grabs your hands, but he is now, and you are so warm and alive right now. “I care about you. We care about you. You have to know that. For fuck’s sake,” he laughs, “I’ve told you outright, before!”

You open your mouth to say something. No words come out, for once.

He squeezes your hands. He cannot tell if your heart feels like his does, the straining against his chest, the aching feeling. He was never good at reading people or emotions or any of that.

But it’s time now. He can barely think. If he does not now, he might not ever.

“I love you, Y/N.”

Table of Contents

Chapter 15

Chapter 17

[v-velvetykisscs]

Safety Net

about: kingpin! eren x reader (f), mafia! au

summary: following his father's mysterious passing, eren is appointed successor of yeager corporation – also known to the public as the “Titans” due to their immense influence in the underground world- eren is determined to find out what's happened to his father. however, after the misstep of one of his own affiliates lands him in trouble with his cynical half-brother he’s chosen to blatantly ignore for weeks as well as an impertinent woman full of empty threats and impressive bravado stumbles upon his operations, eren finds his hands are quite full. 

wc: 1,369 words

edit: 07/02/21

The road is lit by the headlights of the grey, company truck ahead and the crescent moon above in the night sky. I glance out of the window at the rolling, illuminated scene. Skyscrapers, twinkling like fallen stars, taken right from the twilight scape. My eyes divert to the yellow street-light-tinged rain droplets staggering down the glass. The driver turns the windshield wipers on. The tires make their monotonous hiss over the rain-washed highway.

I sigh, brushing a stray hair off of my face. I look down at my phone for the millionth time.

Me: Where are you? 

Historia: Shiganshina District, The Sugar Shack, 62nd Street.

Me: I never took you for a party girl, Historia.

Historia: Well it’s nice to be able to unwind once in a while. Don’t you think?

Me: Yes, can I trust you to stay where you are?

Historia: Obviously, I’m not an imbecile

Me: Good girl. Be there in 5.

Suddenly, amidst all the grey buildings, We encounter one painted a vivid crimson. The shocking colour frames a painting two stories high that depicts a beautiful woman in a red-and-lilac kimono sniffing a flower. A few blocks later there is another painted a shocking pink. A two-story poster depicts a pair of anime girls in French maid costumes, breasts overflowing laced bodices. An invisible fishing line hoists up the backs of ruffled skirts to reveal the clefts of their butts. The driver rolls through the crowded broad boulevards and shops spilling out their glittering merchandise. There are women prancing down the empty roads in pastel platform shoes, beaming and laughing. They blend in with the dainty and cute toy shop behind them. She pauses at the red traffic light and taps a french-manicured nail against the steering wheel. 

Further down the street, a navy blue building catches my eye. The woman drives towards it, decelerating the car, cautiously looking into the wing mirror to make sure there’s some parking space. She hits the break, and I sweep my messenger bag off the bare passenger seat. I smile softly at her through the rear-view mirror. “I’ll make sure to leave a good review! Thank you!”

I slam the door of my car gently. There’s a blue neon insignia at the front that reads “The Sugar Shack”. I walk hurriedly towards it, ID in hand. I keep it up long enough for the brute bouncer to nod at me and move out of my way.

I’m standing at the threshold of the nightclub. Blue is the dominant colour: the small tables and chairs are blue; the very short faux leather backless dresses of the waitresses are blue; the mezzanine where the Dj is mixing every kind of music is blue; The floating led lights flash between hues of blue, they dance with the go-go dancers who are dressed in shiny mini-skirts rigid like plastic, they dance with the dozens of people that crowd the immense dance floor where the classic, twinkling mirrored ball dangles. The music is loud, the speakers rumble the bass sounds so hard that some of the glasses shake on the tables. I open my phone, and search for the messages app. I start composing a message:

Me: I’m here, where are you?

I decide to get a head start towards the bar where I imagine Historia chose to stay at so that I could easily find her. A stumpy, drunken man approaches me and yells in my ear, “Hey baby, care to show me a good t-?” I don’t let him finish his sentence before I walk past him. He is so out of it that he doesn’t trouble himself to chase after me. I continue my brisk walk but there’s only a wooden counter filled of empty or spilt drinks. Torn colourful parasols and dried up lemon slices. No Historia. I eye the waiter. His back is turned to me as he dries wet cups with a little white towel.  “Hey! Waiter!” I shout over the music. He turns, almost instantly, staring at me, still processing that I’ve called him. He blinks and gives me a warm beam. I mirror him. He has warm, chocolate eyes and a light brown messy hair-do. “Hi! I’m looking for my friend, I was wondering if you might’ve seen her tonight. She looks like this.” He nods. I unclasp my bag and take my phone out, turning it on, showing him my lock screen. A picture of me and Historia at graduation, wearing forest green robes and matching hats. “No, I’m afraid I haven’t, sorry.” He frowns sympathetically. “Well thank you anyways!” 

Ping. 

A response.

 Historia: I’m at the bar on the second floor! 

I head for the dance floor as soon as I read her text, making a bee line through the sea of sweaty bodies. Men and women are moving like uncoiling ropes, bobbing their heads to the aggressive, music beat. People press against me and I nudge them back like bowling pins. I take a deep breath and continue my trek through the narrow leeway of moving bodies. Soon enough I reach the staircase and I take them in twos. I get to the top and turn, My eyes zero-ing on a petite blonde sat on a swivel seat. My eyes widen. I power walk towards her. 

“Historia!”

 She looks up at me and stumbles off the seat spreading her ams open to embrace me. I hold her close and smile. She laughs. She’s wearing a form-fitting glamorous knee-length light blue dress. Her hair is in a neat high bun.

“You look gorgeous” 

“Puh-lease Y/N, you look attractive in whatever you decide to wear.”

I look down at my black bootcut jeans, white tank top, red converse sneakers and black fur jacket. 

“You flatter me but I’m definitely underdressed.” 

Her cheerful expression slowly washes away from her face and she looks away, frowning. 

“Look, There’s something I have to tell you.”

I nod as I wait for her to speak.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping from you until now and I thought that you’d ought to know. Now.”

“What’s up?” 

She takes her blue orbs off of me and scans the rest of the room nervously, her eyes fixed on someone. I turn to mimic her and I lock eyes with a man in a tuxedo sat on a plush, red velvet futon. He has raven black hair with a pale complexion, his eyes are grey and he swirls a glass of rum in one hand. He stands, not breaking eye contact. Historia pinches my jacket sleeve.

“We should go.” She declares sternly.

I nod, this man looks like danger. We walk rapidly down the stairs together bursting through the crowd on the outside of the dance floor.

“The back exit!” I direct.

Historia follows me and I push the back door violently, it opens and we walk through it, into a dark alleyway. The faint, putrid odour of trash catches onto our nostrils as we walk through the maze of darkness. We make a turn and a tall man steps out of the shadows, Historia whimpers and I grab her hand, spinning her around the other way. We run and I turn around to see that the man isn’t alone. I hear a gun cocking and I tug at Historia’s hand so that she runs faster. 

We turn once again and she topples over. She winces and mewls and I try to pick her up. I’m not in control of my breathing anymore. I look up to see a faint light ahead; An exit. We’re near.

“Get up Toria, Now.” I whisper aggressively. She discards her heels and lifts herself up, wobbling. I grasp her hand again and we sprint as far as out feet take us. We emerge into the street light. An engine revs and a slick, black Lamborghini pulls up before our eyes.

“Get in! I know the guy.”

I don’t question her and yank the door handle open, she slips in and I follow shortly after, pulling the door in. As soon as I do, The engine starts back up and we’ve taken our leave.

[todaydreambelieversfic]

Author Spotlight: Coffeegleek Day 3

Author : @coffeegleek​

How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

At least a few revisions. Then multiple editing passes, and even with my spouse as my proofreader for the past 25+ years, and doing more editing passes before posting to AO3, I still find annoying little typos, sometimes large ones.

If you were to revise one of your older fics from start to finish, which would it be and why?

There was a crack fic I stopped writing years ago. It was a self-challenge during one of those tumblr trope challenges. I was trying to combine all of the tropes into the same fic as they were announced. It got zero traction though so I gave up. I'd love to go back and complete it, make it better. I had the whole thing outlined too.

What do you look for in a beta?

My spouse. We've been together for decades. He's been proofreading my original science fiction work and various fandoms' fanfics since before we were married. He even proofreads my Klaine smut and doesn't blink an eye. (He's a Glee fan too and on tumblr.) He knows what I'm trying to say when I can't find the right words and supplies them. He catches things I don't. What I love the most is for my original work, he's written his own fanfic. It's BAD. It truly is, but it's so heartfelt and earnest. He even came up with a soundtrack should I ever publish my sci-fi novel and the movie or show rights be bought. You really can't get a better beta than that. <3

There’s a number of friends on tumblr that I bounce ideas off of and who give me advice for topics they know far more about than me and google. I try to thank them in my fics.

If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

I’m going to steal another author’s recent answer and say that I could never do someone else’s work justice. However, I would love to see the author’s ideas for their fics even if they couldn’t write a prequel or sequel.

I suck at remembering titles and author names. There were two political fics that I would love to read more of should their authors ever decide to write in those verses again. One was where Kurt and Blaine's dads were running for president and Kurt and Blaine were along for the ride, staying in the same hotels at time (where they first met,) having to do school remotely, having to be the perfect sons for the press and Blaine being fed up because his parents were conservative Republicans. Then there was another fic where Burt was president and Kurt was the First Son living in the White House, along with Finn, and it was hard to date when your every move is watched by the press.

Do you take liberties with canon or are you very strict about your fic being canon compliant?

I write AU, so canon is only a word often misspelled by me. :) Seriously though, I try to incorporate as many canon elements and characters into my AU fics as I can. It's the kind of AU I like to read as well. What draws me to read and write AUs is taking canon characters, putting them into a different setting, and seeing how they'll react. At their core, they still need to remain the same in principle and have many of the same traits. Like Kurt will always love fashion and be headstrong no matter what. Blaine is always going to have that spark within himself, no matter how depressed or oppressed he gets. Burt and Carole are always going to be loving and nurturing parents at heart. Even in fics where Burt isn't woke, there's a part of him that means well. (Not one of my own fics, but one I read a long time ago.) Different circumstances will change the canon characters and make them react in different ways though. Like, Kurt could end up more withdrawn and hide his love of fashion as a matter of survival and self preservation. He or Blaine could turn into "bad boys." Coach Beiste will always have a heart of gold. Miss Pillsbury will always have a problem with messes. Things like that. I know canon. Give me all the alternate universe versions of it and I will be a happy camper.

Talk about a review that made your day.

I haven't checked for reviews on my fics in ages (because I'm an insecure chicken) so I don't remember any specifically. I do remember there were many that made my day. There are those who take the time to review every chapter. Ones who write only a short note to thank me for writing the fic - both the angsty ones and the cracky fun ones. I love it when someone mentions something that no one else has that I was hoping someone would notice because I was proud of it. I'm not a popular author and don't get a lot of kudos or comments or reblogs compared to many. So each comment and kudos means a lot to me and I'd like to publicly thank every single person who wrote one or hit that kudos button.

Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?

I once got a troll who decided it was his job to complain that I had misspelled hors d'oeuvres in one sentence out of an entire verse where the word was written multiple times correctly. It was a series of Klaine Advent one shots for the Empty Nest verse. At first I was shocked and replied with an apology. Then I was, "F this. The person is a troll who didn't read any other part of the fic or verse, just this one quickly written one shot entry, and if all they had to say was that I'd misspelled a commonly misspelled word, then they aren't worth my time." I deleted the comment. There's concrit and trolling. It wasn't concrit.

What advice do you have for people just starting to write?

Have fun writing, even the hard stuff. Know that it's okay to take breaks. Try your best and know you'll get better the more you write and the more you read. Pronouns are your friend and free. Don't put, "I know this is going to suck, so whatever," in your fic description. We all suck at times. It's a part of writing. But if you want folks to read it, using that as your fic's summary isn't the way to go. Just my opinions, which won't even buy you a cup of coffee.

Which fic do you most like to discuss with other people? Why?  

I think it’s pretty obvious from all of my rambling that I enjoy talking about both of my series - Empty Nest verse and A Very Hallmark Christmas verse.  I'm not a popular author and I know my fics, especially the Empty Nest verse ones, aren’t everyone’s thing, so I never get to really discuss them except with friends that I bug to death in private and via long replies to comments on AO3. (You all are saints blessed by all of the good and patient gods.) I have so much to say about them - the process of writing them, the world building, research, and character decisions that went into every single one. I know they’re not perfect. I know the Empty Nest verse grew miles beyond the ficlette about Burt and Carole that it was meant to be. I know my sense of humor in the Hallmark verse isn’t everyone’s thing either. I still worked really hard on them and am glad that I did. Empty Nest let me release a lot of the fear and anxiety I had for my Hispanic and gay son after the 2016 election. The Hallmark ones were a needed break to put some humor into my life. If others enjoyed them, great. If folks want to know more, my inbox is always open.

What's one aspect of writing fic that gets you really excited?

Writing humor even if I'm the only one that finds it funny. As I said above, writing the Hallmark Christmas movie dialogue and plot and the actors as they were filming it was a blast. Writing the commercials was fun and exciting. In my angsty fics, knowing I wrote a good scene, line, or moment that brought out all the feels. That's more of “satisfaction of a job well done” than excited.

***

Check out Coffeegleek’s Fics

Humorous Spooky Drabbles -  Humorous drabbles to spookish type prompts based on a tumblr post called October Drabble Prompts #1 by hallofceleano. The parts in bold and italic are from those prompts. Characters include Kurt, Blaine, Burt, Carole, and Finn. All fun; only #4 has some mild angst. #4 is for snarkyhag and regarding #5 - I know next to nothing about Twilight and had to look up Taylor Lautner on imdb. The liberties I took are my own.

A Very Sloppy Christmas - lucy8675309 posted to tumblr a series of gifs with Kurt dressed up as an elf. It inspired me to write the following prompt, which CoffeeAddict80 encouraged me to write as a fic:

I now want a fic where real Santa’s elf!Kurt gets drunk and vents to Blaine about all the woes of working for Santa. He’s over 100 years old and the outfits are terrible. Why couldn’t they wear clothes like the elves did in that one movie? Drunk elf Kurt has no idea he’s venting to Santa’s son.

Bonus if he wakes up and realizes he just had a drunken one night stand. He isn’t sure who it was with. Only that he’s naked, the guy in the bed beside him is naked and showing off a really great ass. Then said guy turns over and after Kurt’s done staring at his dick, he looks at the guy’s face and realizes who it is.

It’s a Twisted World -  I decided to challenge myself by combining the posted 5 weekly Klaine AU Friday themes and adding another one of my own. So that means: Farm, Fairytale, Vintage (1900’s,) Super Powers, Zombie Apocalypse, and Harry Potter World Klaine with a splash of a fic idea I thought of while in the produce section of the grocery store. Each week, the story will continue, though each part stands alone. This is not a brilliant work of perfectly composed fan fiction. What it is, is fast-paced, cracky fun, with a large dose of innuendo. At least it had my son laughing his ass off. I hope y'all enjoy it too. :)

[zalrb]

Drunk Superstore Review

This review @initiumseries and I did of Superstore is short because this is when we were at our peak drunkenness and it was really just us watching and enjoying a show.

There is the Twilight review here: https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/643251830303899648/drunk-twilight-eclipse-review-you-dont-know-it

The Community review here: https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/643311789479804928/drunk-community-review-i-was-really-excited-for

and there’s been some interest in hearing our drunken ramblings about chemistry so that will be up shortly.

[erahsae-ffxiv]

FFXIV RP Events for the Week of 2020.09.14

FFXIV RP Events for the week of 2020.09.14

Have an event you want to put on the Calendar?

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This Week's Events:

Monday - 9/14/2020

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Shiokaze Hostelry Popup RP - [Balmung] Kugane (10, 10)

7:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - Lounge at Reverie - [Mateus] The Goblet Ward 8, Plot 60

7:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT - Monday Night Story Circle - [Mateus] Lavender Beds Ward 13 (10, 14)

8:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - [M] Club Cobalt - [Balmung] Shirogane Ward 17, plot 41,

8:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - The First Mistake - [Balmung] Lavender Beds Ward 1, Plot 28

8:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT - Steppe Ramen - [Mateus] Shirogane, Ward 18, Plot 27

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - [M] Secret Views Speakeasy - [Coeurl] Goblet Ward 20, Plot 7

9:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - [M] Lady Luck Casino - [Mateus] Goblet Ward 4, Plot 43

10:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - The Kitty's Catfish Cafe - [Goblin] Mist Ward 14, Plot 25

Tuesday - 9/15/2020

3:00 PM to 5:00 PM EDT - The First Steps - [Odin] Goblet Ward 10, Plot 47

4:00 PM to 7:00 PM EDT - Wayward Star Bar - [Balmung] Mists Ward 14 Plot 2

6:00 PM to 8:00 PM EDT - Cafe de Chocobo - [Mateus] Goblet Ward 9, Plot 32

8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Fiery Nut Theatre - [Balmung] Mist Ward 4 Plot 38

8:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - Rissa's Snack Shack - [Mateus] Goblet Ward 20, Apt 2

8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - The Blue Miqo'te Tavern - [Mateus] Shirogane Ward 1, Plot 29

10:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Third Eye Sushi - [Coeurl] Shirogane Ward 11, Plot 34

Wednesday - 9/16/2020

3:00 PM to 5:00 PM EDT - The Sinner's Den - [Lich] Mist Ward 11, Plot 14

6:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT - [M] Twilight Tavern's Bar Night - [Mateus] Shirogane Ward 2, Plot 24

6:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Morning Star Cafe - [Mateus] Mist Ward 21, Plot 37

7:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT - Lotus Apothecary - [Coeurl] Lavender Beds Ward 14, Plot 18

8:00 PM to 9:30 PM EDT - Azure Cafe Night - [Mateus] The Goblet Ward 5 Plot 13,

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - [M] Calamity's End Bar & Grill - [Balmung] The Mists Ward 16, Plot 11

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - New Saronia Public Night - [Balmung] Mist Ward 19, Plot 17

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Arcana Obscura - Open Shop Hours - [Malboro] Goblet Ward 3, Plot 49

9:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - The Fire Pit - [Mateus] The Goblet, Ward 5, Plot 60

9:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - The Gilded Horn Hunting Hall - [Mateus] Mists Ward 14, Plot 17

10:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - [M] Voodoo Lounge Open Mic - [Mateus] Lavender Beds Ward 5 Plot 11

Thursday - 9/17/2020

2:00 PM to 4:00 PM EDT - [M] The Dragon's Pit - [Balmung] Goblet Ward 9, Plot 57

2:30 PM to 4:30 PM EDT - [M] Dead Man's Triple Triad - [Odin] Mist, Ward 19, Plot 27

3:00 PM to 6:00 PM EDT - Buscarron Regulars Meetup - [Balmung] South Shroud, Buscarron's Druthers,

3:00 PM to 6:00 PM EDT - Sword and Spork - [Lich] Mist, Ward 9, Apt. 65

4:30 PM to 6:30 PM EDT - Oak's Tradepost - [Balmung] Mists Plot 29 Ward 2

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - A Thousand Faces Dinner Theater - [Balmung] Shirogane Ward 3, Plot 30

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Seagaze Street Faire - [Mateus] Camp Bronze Lake

8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Briskstone Creamery - [Balmung] Goblet, Ward 18, Subdivision, Apt 73

8:30 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - [M] The Talley: Performance Night - [Balmung] Lavender Beds Ward 2, Plot 1

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Luck Of The Drakaina - [Balmung] Lavender Beds, Ward 14, Plot 5

10:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Velvet Rose Lodge Open Bar - [Balmung] Lavender Beds, Ward 18, Plot 28

Friday - 9/18/2020

3:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT - [M] Costa Del Sol Volleyball Tournament - [Balmung] Eastern La Noscea (36, 25)

3:00 PM to 6:00 PM EDT - [M] Shadowed Knights - [Balmung] Coerthas Western Highlands, Falcons Nest

6:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Maid's Basin Tavern night - [Mateus] Goblet, Ward 13, Plot 13

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Forgotten Knight Pop-Up RP - [Balmung] Foundation, The Forgotten Knight

7:00 PM to 8:30 PM EDT - Thavnairian Nights - [Balmung] Goblet Ward 10 Plot 19

8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Liberty Lecture Series - [Mateus] Lavender Beds, Ward 14, Plot 3

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - [M] The Ruthless Reign - [Balmung] Goblet Ward 9, Plot 42

9:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - Bokh - Xaelic Wrestling - [Balmung] Mist, Ward 19, Subdivision Beach

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Rhalgr's Respite - [Balmung] Rhalgr's Reach

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - NightRaid Bounty Call - [Coeurl] Shirogane Ward 11, Plot 58

9:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - [M] Siph Shiro Steakhouse - [Malboro] Lavender beds (Ward 19, Plot 25)

10:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - Final Heaven Tavern Night - [Balmung] Goblet Ward 20, Plot 3

10:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - [M] Dark Crimson Tavern - Fight night! - [Mateus] Shirogane Plot 7, Ward 16

10:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - Espresso Cat Boy Café - [Mateus] Shirogane Ward 11, Plot 4

11:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - [M] The Golden Whisker - Casino - [Mateus] The Goblet, Plot 5, Ward 16

11:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - Uranami Onsen Social - [Mateus] Mist Ward 15, Plot 5

Saturday - 9/19/2020

12:00 AM to 6:00 AM EDT - After Hours at The Raven - [Goblin] Mist Ward 14, Plot 58

2:00 PM to 5:30 PM EDT - Peach Festival - [Balmung] Goblet Ward 8 Plot 35

3:00 PM to 5:00 PM EDT - King of the Ring Tournament - [Balmung] Eastern La Noscea: Wineport

3:00 PM to 5:00 PM EDT - Eternal Sonata Tavern and Casino - [Lich] Shirogane Ward 5, Plot 37

4:00 PM to 7:00 PM EDT - Drunken Moogle Open RP - [Balmung] Lavender Beds, Ward 12, Plot 33

6:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT - The Garden of Words Book & Teashop - [Balmung] Lavender Beds Ward 8, Plot 27

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - The Lotus Flame Club - [Balmung] Lavender Beds Ward 14 Plot 58

8:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - [M] Heavyside Lyre: Performance & Dance Review - [Balmung] Lavender Beds Ward 20, House 35

8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - The Bottom of the Barrel - [Balmung] Goblet - Ward 15, Plot 49

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Luck Of The Drakaina - [Balmung] Lavender Beds, Ward 14, Plot 5

9:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - [M] Open Bar Night at The Other Three Walls - [Zalera] Goblet Ward 15 Plot 5

10:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - Grindstone Tournament - [Balmung] Cen. Thanalan (21, 25)

Sunday - 9/20/2020

9:30 AM to 10:30 AM EDT - Templars of the Moon - Open House & Bar Social - [Coeurl] Goblet Ward 16, Plot 30

3:00 PM to 6:00 PM EDT - Stray Sheep Bar - [Lich] Lavender Beds Ward 11 Plot 3

5:00 PM to 7:00 PM EDT - [M] Rowdy Rock Bar - [Mateus] Lavender Beds Ward 15, Plot 2

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - Snuggly Moogle Maid and Butler Cafe - [Balmung] Mist Ward 8 Plot 45

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - The Jeweled Cypress - [Mateus] Mist Ward 14, Plot 45

8:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - [M] Club Cobalt - [Balmung] Shirogane Ward 17, plot 41,

8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT - [M] Spellstone Tournament - [Balmung] Central Thanalan (21, 25)

8:00 PM to 11:00 PM EDT - Dinner at the Saltery - [Siren] Shirogane Ward 13, Plot 26

9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EDT - [M] Izakaya Onigami - [Mateus] Shirogane Ward 15, Plot 13

10:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - [M] Biergarten & Bath Nights - [Mateus] Goblet Ward 13, Plot 45,

10:00 PM to 1:00 AM EDT - Espresso Cat Boy Café - [Mateus] Shirogane Ward 11, Plot 4

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[brokehorrorfan]

Blu-ray Review: Hollywood Horror House

Released in 1970, Hollywood Horror House (also known as Savage Intruder) can be best described as a trashy take on Billy Wilder's Sunset Boulevard. The dramatic plot of a fading film starlet is transplanted to the campy psycho-biddy (or hagsploitation, if you prefer) genre spawned from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. Peppered throughout are kill scenes tailor-made for grindhouse theaters and the occasional break for Beyond the Valley of the Dolls-esque psychedelia.

The film's unsettling opening credit sequence - in which the titles are overlayed on shots of the dilapidated Hollywood sign accompanied only by ambient sound - is an apt metaphor for the film's protagonist, Katharine Packard (Miriam Hopkins, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde). With her glory days far behind her, the former silent film starlet spends her unwilling retirement secluded in her once-bustling Hollywood Hills mansion, drinking alcohol, reminiscing about the past, and plotting a comeback that will never come.

When a drunken tumble down the stairs lands Katharine with a broken leg, a mysterious hippie, Vic Valance (David Garfield, who went on to edit such films as The Karate Kid Part II and All the Right Moves), is hired as her nurse. While her assistant (Gale Sondergaard, The Invisible Man's Revenge) is immediately suspicious of his motives, Katharine takes a liking to Vic. Little does she know that he's the serial killer that has been targeting middle-aged women in Hollywood hills.

This was Hopkins' final role before her death in 1972. While a sleazy B-movie may not be the proudest swan song, and it didn't put her back in the spotlight like similar genre efforts had done for Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, Hollywood Horror House afforded the actress the opportunity to draw from her own life experience while chewing the scenery in a leading role in her twilight years.

In his lone feature as writer and director, Donald Wolfe never fully commits to any of his myriad influences. As a result, the pacing is all over the place throughout the 91 minutes. It languishes in many sections yet its delirium is impossible to look away from during others. Shot on location in an estate that once belonged to silent film star Norma Talmadge, the film features colorful cinematography by John Arthur Morrill (A Boy and His Dog) and a score by Stu Phillips (Battlestar Galactica).

Hollywood Horror House's proto-slasher death scenes are shot very matter of factly, echoing the killer's approach. Take the cold open, for example, in which the killer brandishes an electric knife. (Thankfully, there is an outlet nearby and the victim is within reach of the cord.) Steve Karkus' (Easy Rider) special effects are quite grisly for the time. There's also a giallo-esque style to several of the later set pieces.

Hollywood Horror House is available on Blu-ray/DVD combo pack from Vinegar Syndrome. It has been newly restored in 4K from its 35mm camera negative, looking as glamorous as its starlet’s former life. It features reversible artwork with Hollywood Horror House on one side and Savage Intruder on the other. It includes a cheeky audio commentary by film historians David Del Valle and David Decoteau, who occasionally poke fun at the subject. A promotional image gallery is also present.

Hollywood Horror House will be released on Blu-ray/DVD on March 31 via Vinegar Syndrome.

[thesunlounge]

Reviews 295: Masahiro Sugaya

Even though the work of Masahiro Sugaya is mostly unknown outside of Japan, it spans decades and is guided by artistic vision as multi-varied, far-reaching, and adventurous as any other practitioner of environmental sound design, taking in stage production, TV scores, modern classical guitar compositions, and longform sonic installations commissioned by the likes of GRM. And through a multi-volume reissue campaign, the first of which is titled Horizon, Empire of Signs seek to shine a light on Sugaya’s archives, with a special focus on his compositions subsidized within the 80s Japan bubble economy and made in connection with avant-garde theatre troupes. Two essays comprise the liner notes for the release, with one from Empire of Signs’ Specer Doran and Maxwell August Croy and another from Sugaya himself, each of which does its part to contextualize his work and trace his artistic development, from earlier influences such as Toru Takemitsu and Yuji Takahashi through to formative assistantships with Joji Yuasa and Teiizo Matsumura. As well, the writings discuss the influence of Art Vivant and it’s presence as a cultural hub, helping to further establish a narrative begun in Kankyō Ongaku of this independent yet interconnected group of artists…people such as Ashikawa, Sugaya, Yoshio Ojima, and Hiroshi Yoshimura…who were all exploring the possibilities of synthesis, computer composition, and sampling to realize visionary productions while also experimenting with the interactions of sound and environment.

Reading the liner notes, I get the sense that there were two key moments in the progression of Sugaya’s artistic vision: meeting generative composer and computer music master Yoshio Ojima via Ashikawa and Art Vivant and joining the ranks of Tokyo’s experimental theater group Pappa Tarahumura. Having finished his studies in composition, Sugaya was working on scores for musicals written by the actor Ako Nakamura, first using whatever instruments were available in tandem with a simple four-track cassette recorder. But his ambitions soon outstripped his monetary resources, and though despairing at his inability to, for example, score for and record an orchestra, a chance meeting and eventual friendship with Ojima provided the answer in the form of computer generation and the developing art of sampling. And after late-night flights on a loaned Fairlight and the eventual acquirement of an Ensoniq Mirage and a Yamaha Yis503 II computer, all barriers were torn down and Sugaya was finally able to realize the music of his dreams. As for Pappa Tarahumura, Sugaya was connected to the troupe’s leader Hiroshi Koike through working with Nakamura, and after seeing an early performance by the group called Monk, Sugaya was convinced he must become the in-house composer for the collective. Having achieved this goal, he then spent years working with the troupe, letting the performances inform the music and vice versa, all the while studying and mastering the technique of using sound as a foundation for physical space.

Masahiro Sugaya - Horizon, Vol. 1 (Empire of Signs, 2019) “Horizon (Intro)” constructs bubble formations from sampled woodwinds and sets them percolating through mechanized repetitions, with touches of birdsong entering as the notes climb high. Following this brief experiment, we flow into the virtual harp arpeggiations and lullaby melodics of “Future Green,” with everything swimming through layers of reversing abstraction. Crystallized tones and metallic pings pan across the stereo field, feedback hazes billow backwards, and pillowy bass pulses add touches of warmth while minimal drums crash through spectrum, all disjointed kicks smashing slowly and clacking tones decaying through gaseous reverb. Zipping tracers move backwards in time before popping into focus like some strange quantum particle while metallic breaths and clouds of ice swirl deep in the background. There are fractalized electronics and dripping future liquid presaging Doran’s work in Visible Cloaks and at some points, the plucked harp tones recede, leaving behind abstracted stretches of swelling sound, with gong strokes and temple bells reversing amidst a pointillist sci-fi landscape. Eventually the heavenly arps return along with the strangely spacious rhythms, which, in close focus, hardly seem like a rhythm at all…so spread apart and cavernous are the drum strokes that you lose sight of any groove. But zooming out, there is a meditative ritualism at pay…a sort of swaying slow motion dance alight with ambient romance, wherein everything loops and cycles accord to Sugaya’s singular dream logic. And throughout the track, cooing electro-whispers and music box melodics are broken down and reconstructed via computer automation, creating a supportive tapestry alight with feedback spirals, outer-dimensional sparkles, and reverberating tones of processed metal and manipulated stone.

In “Afternoon of the Appearing Fish,” pianos smear through the mix, their lush resonances and gaseous decay trails overlapping as a computer generates joyous ivory dances. There’s a touch of ambient dream jazz, with heavenly fantasias and breathtaking progressions that fully showcase Sugaya’s skills of programming and arrangement. It all seems so natural…like a bebop piano jazzman given a moment to find inner peace, with gentle chord riffs supporting smooth and soulful leads. At some point, rapidly bowed cellos flutter in the background, their pulses repeating at rhythmic intervals and thus helping along the narcotic piano chord groove. And the song is very well named, as one can imagine sitting by some deep blue pond amidst an infinite field of flowers, watching colorful fish move lazily in the water as sunlight reflects off of the rippling surface. Later in the track, knocking sounds move strangely through the background and slightly disturb the bucolic sway…at first not rising above a percussive whisper but progressively beating harder while being accompanied by subsonics that blow puffs of shadow through the mix. Dissonant melodies begin flying overhead…the sounds string-like and reed-like at once…but also alien and spilling into feedback shimmer. And the more layers that are added, the more drunken and delirious the groove feels. “Grain of Sand by the Sea” is of a pair with Sugaya’s “Umi No Sunatsubu,” which appeared on Kankyō Ongaku. It features a similar tapestry of pianos drifting almost at random, perhaps meant to evoke the titular grain of sand as it’s tossed by the motions of the sea. But here the vibe is much more frenetic, with the ivory layers evoking the rattle of crystals and the sounds of cavern liquids dripping…as if each bead is hitting some glowing rock that resonates into the emptiness.

Chimes stretch through space in “Straight Line Floating in the Sky,” with Sugaya progressively creating a world of ringing bells that seems submerged within a deep sea hallucination. Looping minimalist atmospheres are buried within watery oscillations and at certain moments, woodwind tones move in counterpoint. Starlight sequencing fades in from nothingness…like kosmische music given over to child-like innocence while simultaneously morphing and modulating through delirium layers. The sequential electronics move between fantasy dances and mechanized ascents towards the celestial sphere, with everything transmuting through delays that are constantly spilling into self-oscillation. Sometimes the mix reduces to just single strands of arpeggiated silver drifting alone while at other times, multitudinous patterns intertwining, bring touches of Terry Riley amidst the vibes of lullaby fantasy and interstellar wonderment. Vapor trails snap into and out of existence, xylophones bend through otherworldly motions, bubbling melodies swim through a dense seascape, and pianos splash through tide pools filled with starlight, with multiple melodic progressions refusing to interact and progressing unbothered in their own singular universes. After these preceding stretches of beautiful, yet often alien sonics, the acoustic guitars and vague Flamenco shades of “Wind Conversations” are arresting, all the more so knowing the sounds are computer programmed. It’s cinematic folk awash in seaside melancholia and accompanied by virtually sourced fretless bass, which slips and slides through hyperactive fusion movements. The vibe is both organic and machine-like, and I can imagine some futuristic dystopia (or paradise?) where this song represents an attempt by robots to score a Café del Mar sunset.

“Until the End of the World” features cyborg arps dancing and effected so strangely, with almost every sound completely unrecognizable…as if sizzling spaceage static and plucked tones of phasing rubber have been repurposed into a cyborg dream tapestry. New age piano explorations float in the depths and more of those sampled and programmed guitars work into the mix, perhaps forming the source of the dancing arps, revealing themselves only when the spectral fx layers recede. A heady pause leads to a delirious rush, with the mix now featuring bass notes holding down a sensual groove while guitars and plucked synths swim together through sunset motions…reminding me of the balearic classics of Penguin Cafe Orchestra as well as the film scores of Michael Cimino, with everything radiating a touch of Mediterranean magic. Dueling melodies ascend with an anthemic flare while being surrounded by twilight hazes and beneath it all, alien synth tropicalisms continue their drunken sequencing. There’s another moment where it all stops and a prayer bowl rings out to signify the beginning or ending of some unknown ritual, and as the arps return, things are further mutated and ever stranger, creating a mesmerizing backdrop through which Sugaya’s hyper-real guitar samples dance in some strange computer approximation of seaside fusion. “Horizon (Outro),” like the corresponding intro, sets the spirit afloat amidst looping woodwind bubbles, crystalline birdsong mutations, and elven computer minimalism, though there is more symphonic power and zany bombast here…as if the birds and flutes from the first track are now intoxicated, ecstatic, and barely holding to their patterns.

(images from my personal copy)

[mostlysignssomeportents]

#10yrsago Veeps: Profiles in Insignificance, a look at the bumbling, murdering, drunken idiots (and others) who've served as vice-president of the USA

Holy cow, did I ever enjoy reading Veeps: Profiles in Insignificance by Bill Kelter and  Wayne Shellabarger, a snarky, thorough look at the foibles and missteps of the vice presidency from John Adams to Dick Cheney. I had no idea how completely comic the office has been through the years, but, as the authors note: "[The Vice Presidents'] relentless and overwhelming facelessness is testament to the bewildering fact that for more than 200 years, the American people have elected a buffoon's gallery of rogues, incompetents, empty suits, abysmal spellers, degenerate golfers and corrupt Marylanders to the Vice Presidency with barely a passing consideration that they might one day have to assume the highest office in the land."

Each profile is illustrated with wicked caricatures like these:

And chock full of useful quotes and details like these:

Thomas Jefferson: Jefferson offered his personal collection of 6,487books to restock the new library [of Congress, burned in the War of 1812], for which Congress paid him $23,950. Jefferson's gesture was not as beneficent as it appeared: For all his extraordinary talents, Thomas Jefferson was abysmal in his personal financial affairs. He would die virtually impoverished with enormous debts hanging over him, leaving his daughter penniless.

Aaron Burr: In his twilight [Aaron] Burr found solace in letters and women, sending breezy notes to his beloved daughter, Theodesia, regaling her with tales of his favorite European prostitutes, rating them by price and satisfaction -- the kind of bonding every daughter longs for from  her father.

Charles Fairbanks: "No public speaker can more quickly drive an audience to despair." - The Nation, describing Charles Fairbanks's oratorical prowess.

Calvin Coolidge: "Mr Coolidge's genius for inactivity is developed to a very high point. It is not an indolent inactivity. It is a grim, determined, alert inactivity, which keeps Mr Coolidge occupied constantly" - Columnist Walter Lippmann, 1926

As presiding officer of the Senate, Coolidge would eat lunch alone at a corner table in the Senate dining room, facing the wall.

John Nance Garner: "[It's] not worth a bucket of warm piss." - John Nance Garner sharing his opinion of the Vice Presidency with fellow Texan Lyndon Johnson.

Harry S Truman: "Look at all the Vice Presidents in history. Where are they? They were about as useful as a cow's fifth teat." - Harry S Truman, to Time Magazine, January 18, 1954, explaining why he never wanted to be Vice President.

Washington Post music critic Paul Hume dared to write an honest, if somewhat brutal, review of First Daughter Margaret Truman's singing recital in 1950... Truman...dropped Hume a letter, saying..."You sound like a frustrated old man who has never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, with all four ulcers working. I never met you, but if I do, you'll need a new nose and a supporter below."

Richard Nixon: "Richard Nixon is a no-good, lying bastard. If he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd tell a lie just to keep his hand in." - Harry S Truman.

Dan Quayle: "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - Dan Quayle to ABC's Sam Donaldson, August 17, 1989.

Dick Cheney: When travelling, Vice President Cheney demands that his his hotel suites...have all televisions preset to Fox News Channel.

? Veeps: Profiles in Insignificance

https://boingboing.net/2009/01/19/veeps-profiles-in-in.html

[finding-the-daylight]

So, now that my finals are officially over, I am going to proceed to have a drink or two or three and rewatch Eclipse. Here’s (soberly) what I remembered from the film prior to starting this account (since starting this account, posts re:Eclipse have reminded me of things I’m not going to include in this introduction): 

1. Bella is basically playing tic-tac-toe with Edward and Jacob and her feelings for them. She can’t make up her mind. When I watched it the first time, my dad was in the living room half paying attention to it and said she was very selfish. 

2. Edward tries to control Bella, but it’s “out of genuine concern for her”.

3. Jacob tries to control Bella, but it’s “out of genuine concern for her”.

4. Both fight for her affection and even though she’s engaged to Edward, she won’t let go of Jacob.

5. When the newborn army shows up, Bella cuts her arm with a rock.

6. There’s awkward tension in the tent.

That’s literally all I remember of the movie while sober (aside from what I have relearned from posts about Eclipse on this blog). My drunken thoughts will be below the break:

Okay, so this dude I think his name is Riley is lowkey kinda dumb, no offense. Like he just stood there and screamed “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?” This is how all horror movies end badly. You don’t talk back. You run or hide or esape.

THE MEADOW IS SO FUCKING PRETTY. IT’S THE PUREST THING WE HAVE IN THIS FANDOM OMG HE’S PLAYING WITH EHR HAIR AND I JUST WANT SOMEOEN TO PLAY WITH MY HAIR. DAMN BELLA, MY FINALS ARE OVER. SUCKS TO SUCK, DOESN’T IT?

I never noticed the CUllen cuff before, but now thanks to this blog it’s all I’m looking @ lmao. 

I FCKING LOVE CHARLIE TOO MUCH AND HE DESERVED BETTER THIS WHOLE TIME. HE IS SUCH A GOOD FATHER AND HE DESERVES THE BEST.

THERE’S A GLOWING RED LIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW WTF I THINK IT’S THE REFLECTION OF A CAR LIGHT BUT I FUCKING SWEAR

NVM ITS GONE

WHAT THE FUCK EDWARD?? YOU MESSED WITH BELLA’S TRUCK SO SHE COULDN’T SEE HER FRIEND? FUCK. I WOULD’VE DUMPED YOU AND LEFT YOU IN THE WOODS BRO.

Edward sitting with Bella’s friends. We can’t help but stan. He’s still a bitch for the truck thing though. 

I love how Alice looks @ Edward and tells him the party will be fun because she knows nothing bad will happen. But then he reads her mind and looks conerned wtf is ognna happen?

Side note: I really like the lighting in this movie. Everyone has a healthly glow. They lokk happy.

The fucking Volturi always gotta ruin everything. Bitch ass hoes. Ol’ crusty asses acting like some outdated monarchy. Why don’t the vamprires start a democratic government?

Charlie really deserved better. Like I know they couldn’t tell him teh truth but they could’ve been slightly less untruthful prbabl.

I WANNA FIND SOMEONE WHERE MY MOM SAYS WE’RE LIKE MAGNETS WITH EACH OTHER. I WANT SOMEONE TO LOOK @ ME LIKE I’M THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. DAMNIT EDWARD. DAMNIT STEPHENDW. 

Y’ALL ARE TELLING ME THE ENTIRE CULELN CLAM COMBINED COULDN’T TKAE OUT VICTORIA? THIS SHIT IS GETTING UNREALISTIC LMAO.

THE MUSIC THAT STARTS PLAYING WHEN JAKE TURNS AROUND IN THE PARKING LOT SENT ME LMAOOOOO. 

Leah is such a badass and I wnat to be best friends with ehr plase. 

ALSO FCK THIE IMPRINTING STORYLINE. 

SAM AND LEAH WERE HAPPY TOGETHER.

NO BELLA YOU DON’T FUCKING WANNA KNOW WHAT IMPRINTING IS. NONE OF US WANTD WTO KNWO. IT NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN WRITTEN.

Taylor and Kristen are such babies in this movie. They’re so young and precious. WHIH REMINDS ME WHY TF DID SPTHEJNFNWFNA MAKE THIS SEIRESO ABOUT CHIDLREN??!?! I STILL SAY IF THE CHARACTERS HAS BEWNNF MORE MATUEE AND IN LIKE THEIR MID OR LATE TWNETIEMS OR THIRTIS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER. FIUCKUNG FIGHT ME.

INITING BELLA TO HEAR THE TRIBE’S HISTORIES? THE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION FUCK STEPHEN0AWFJQ. BITCHJ.

SETH IS SO PRECIOUS. AGAIN. THEY’RE ALL SUCH BABIES. THESE POOR CHILDREN.

this hwoel shite is sof ukcing offensie. bitch. listen. why tf did stpehwb fafb have to appropriate cultues like this? BITCH>> you do realize if the legnds are actually like this they’rel ike that because it’s aout defeating yo white as sright? like your’e aware stpehebe ? 

omg bree is so scare d poor baby. literally why did stephenjdbawfbi do this? she just wnated to be ok not hurt anywaon.

exuce me vut CARLISLE IS HOT AS FUCK BITCH

edward is saying some real romantic shit and i sill hate him for the turck thing but like he loves her so much btu he’s stil an asshoel in this smovie

I’M ABOUT TO HATE JACOB I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES I’VE SEEN THE GIFS HOE WE GONNA GIGHT. BITCH SHE JUST TOLD YOU SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU DON’T PUSH HER LIKE THIS. DUMBAS S HOE BITCH. YOU’RE GONNA FIGHT FOR HER? I’M GONNA FUCKIN FIGHT YOU BTCH. I WISH SHE WAS ALREAYD A VAMPIRE SO RTHAT PUNCH WOULDA HURT BITCH YOU DESERVED IT.

THESE FUCKWITS ARE FIGHTING OVER HER AND NOT LISTNEING TO HER THEY ARE BOTCH CANCELLED. BELLA NEEDS TO LEAVE BOTH THESE HOES AND GET A NEW MAN WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO LISTNE. BITCHES.

I love Emmett so much. BELLA SHOULD FINA A MAN LIKE HIM. IT’S WHAT SHE DESERVES.

ROSALIE IS ABOUT TO POP TF OFF. SHE IS A QUEEN AND I LVOE AND SUPPORT HER. the saddest thing about this is that she thought her life was perfect and then some fucking asshoes ruiend it. she was so happy. wtf im gonna cry. fuck. i hate sptehej n so much. these gross ass hoes i’m gonna cik all theyre assses. this is so gross i’m so angry literaluy setthing beithc. BUT THEN SHE GETS HER REVENGE AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL. FUCK THOSE BASTARS. but she;s so sad it breaks my heart. she wants to be human so bad. this scene is so sad and it’s theonly good scene in twilight and nikki reed deserves an ocsa like if you agree.

jane and alec more childrne who should’ve been able to be children fck the volturie

why the hel is jessica the fucking valedinact ion? it should’ve been bella they made her seem so damn smart but now she’s not theo ne? i don’ beliee it. but anna kendrick is a gift and now i wanna watch ptiche perfect. CHARLIE is so pure he deserved better and i’m gona kep saying it.

i love those fucking rose colored lamps hanging at the cullens house int he window at hte party scene can anyone link them to me i need? 

why the hell is the wolfpack athe cullesn hosue? this doesnt make sense and it doesn’t seem real am i too drunk and imabginf this?

jno wait it’s real. jake’s appolgoizng.

how fucking conventinet the woflpakc is there hwen alice realizes there abotu to be attacked. this aint realistc. bitc.

why are these kids being forces to act like audls? “I wans;t asking for permission” hoe you’re like 16 go home and go tib ed and odnt go to war.

these woflies gonan kick yo ass edward get tf out

i’m laughign nrow but nothigng funy is happening lmaoooo

fck carlisle is really hot as fuck his jawline kills me

i hate jasper’s hair here i’m sorry i know we all lovehim bt heis hair is a dam nmess

belal is so fuckign negative all the time no one is gonan get killed exceptsvictoris

THE COWBOOIIIII WHY DOES HE LOOKS LIKE OWNE WILSON IN THIS DAMN LIGHTIN? ALICE AND JASPER LOVE EACH TOHER SO MUCH MY APLOGIZKE MAAM FCK IT UP.

why thfe fuck is hake comparing his situaton with leah and sam and emily? We are nto the same hoe wae are not the same. bella is choosing edward sit yo ass down. but i still thin kyall are both problemastic as fuck in thos movie and hse deserves better.

CHARLIES DESEVRS  BTETER THEY KEEP LYIGN EVEN WHEN THEY DUCKGN DONT NEED TO

reblog if you thought edward and bella wre gona fuc, when she went over to his house in eclipse when yo ufirst read the book or saw the movue

he really oes love her a lot though fkcn i’m so alone 

 he looks si sad wgen he mentind ices tea on the porch poor edward

EVERY DANM MOMENR OF FOREVER BITCG I WANT  LOVE LIK THST 

LITERALLY THIS IS THE SUTPEIDEST PLOT EVER. A WHOLE FUCKIN ARMY TOO ATTACK ONE IGRL? BITCH. THIS AINT EVEM A THING. 

im gettign ral tired yall dik if i waill mke it to the end of this movie but i will tru

i hate the enrgey from jae and efard in this tent. ya’ll are both dumb hoes and she could do better than either ofy ou. 

WRHAT THE FUCK FASTER IF YOUR TOOK YORU CLOTHS OFF BITCH WHAT THE FUCK NOW I AM GONNA FUCKIN PUNCH YOU IB HOEP BELLA OUBCHES YOU WHEN SHES A VMAPRIE STUPID HOE 16 YEAR OLD SHOULD BE AT HOME IN BED INSTEAD OF IN A TENT TRYING TO FIGH A FCUKCN WAR

edward is such an emo boi in the tent and he thinsk she doesn;t lve him any more. yo ua stipiud hoe edearf but she still loves you anwyab ithc.

wheb edward said i’m not gonna force her into naythign ever agin i realized he was hte better man good for you eddie you fickun manned up you win

MY REASON FOR ESXITNST HOE I JST WNAT TO BE LOVED

now edwards bene a fuckboi again trying to hurt jake b ymaking sure he knew they were getting maried edward what the fuck iw was just starting to be on your side agian and you let me down like this

jacob is beign an emo boi now jake go be a child @ home and stop this nonsense you’re not a man go be a chid and take a nap and eat some grilled cheese youkk feel better

now she told him she wants to kiss him wtf bella don’t kead this bitch on he’s already in pain let hom gp home and eat a grilled cheese

mow bella’ supsetti spaghetti because edwards know she kissed jake

this shit is so unenecasialr dramtic wht the fuck yall  like a whole army ofver one girl and then its like all everyboyd trying kill everybody this is bulshittheyre all children who should eb at home eating grileld chesses not at war

victoria is a real bitch lying to this boy telling hin she lvoes him hoe bitch

og shit efward ifs pissed now he’s tauntign ab ithc

i acutaly kinda fel bad for riley he wnet through so mcuh and was manipulated i wish the cullens could have adopted him and bree

oshit is the volutire 

SAM DONT FUCKUGN TALK TO LEAH LIKE THAT EVER AGIAN YOU HOE

CARLISE AND I REPEAT AGAIB IS HOT AS FUCK FUCK CARLISRL

I LITERALLY AHTE THE VOLTURIE FOR KILLIGN VREE THEY WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN

JASPER KNOWS WHATS GOOD HE DOESN’T TURST THESE HOES

I’M SO PISEED THAT THE CULLENS NEVER FUCKING IFHT THE VOLTURIE LIKE CARLISLES IS SMART AS FUCK AND EHS TILL WONT START A DEMOCRAY LIKE YALL KNOW ROSLAIE WOULDVE FOGUHT FOR THAT SHIT TOO

 I LVOE YOUDADY CARLISLE

THIS 16 YEAR OLD LYING UP HERE BECAUSE OF TE DUMBASS WAR I TOLD YALL TO GO GOEN AND EA A GRILELD CHEDWE

poor jakie he knows hed better good for her but she reallys loves eward jake deserved better than what he got reblog is youf agree he jst said he’s even love her after she’s a vamprie bruh go eat a grilled chease and love yourself

WERE BACK IN THE FUCKING MEADOW ITS LIT AND ITS LOVELY I WANNA FALL IN LOVE IN A MEADOW WITH A HANDAOME MYSTERIOUS MAN WHO LOVES ME UNCODNITONATLY

KIRSTNE STEQARD IS THE WBEST AND SHE DESERVED AN OSCAR FOR THIS MOVIE HER AND NIKKI REED AND NODBOYD ELSE

fianlly this bitch is gonna beh onest with chalrie took you long enough

that was an anticlamtnc ending but i love love

[sundaynightbombers-blog]

Lost Transcript of Interview with Pat from Jaunt

File ID: 114-746661-2 File Name: Jaunt_talk_they're_a_band_2.mp3 [Inside Roland's father's ice-fishing shack] Audience: [applause] RW: Hello, Pat from Jaunt the band, I apologize for the informalities and briefness of my questions here, I wasn't sure how to best phrase them for our correspondence, and as such I have prepared my most poignant, conversation inducing questions for you. Something about love,

Roland W. Wardrobe P.I. Onto the things I have for you! Audience: [ooo's and ahh's] RW: Which celebrity chef most influences your music? Pat: I’d probably say Guy Fieri, we’re aspiring for every song to take you to Flavour town. RW: Best bathrooms on the tour? Pat: Whichever one is closest to the venue, without actually being in the venue. RW: Have any of you peed your pants on stage? Pat: To my knowledge, in this band no, but it almost happens pretty often. RW: Other than money, what is your preferred payment for physical copies of Cue? Pat: If you provide us with enough compliments, we’ll probably give you a tape for free. RW: What object most sounds like Jaunt? Pat: A Bop-It! RW: Could you, as a group, perform a baptism in a pinch if it came up? Pat: 4 out of the 5 of us could, I’m the only member not ordained as a priest. RW: That's a shame, you should try to find a seminary, I've heard the bedding is quite nice. Have you ever seen The Drunken Master and how do you feel about Jackie Chan keeping money in offshore accounts? Pat: Never personally seen ‘The Drunken Master’, but I’m personally okay with Jackie Chan finding some nice tax breaks! RW: Do you think 50's Westerns are a fair reflection of today's political climate? Pat: It really is the wild west out here. RW: Does my mother try to control my life? Pat:

Mother knows best, so listen up. Audience: [applause]

RW: Can you teach my son to grow the fuck up? Pat: Not sure about that, still growing up myself. RW: Well hurry it the heck up! Does Duncan know how to kick-flip? Pat: No, but I think Tom does. RW: Why did you decide to make music when you could just play craps? Pat: I learned how to make music before I learned how to play craps, which I still don’t know how to play. RW: In my day, the twilight craps game was a rite of passage for kids. What does the colour yellow say to you? Pat: Generally pretty nice things. It’s an easy colour to like. RW: As long as it's nothing about Coldplay or submarines. Do you think you'd be able to spear a shark to death, if your life depended on it? Pat: 100% RW: Buzzcut or bowl-cut? Pat: Having at least once had both, I’ll go with the buzzcut. The buzzcut involves minimal effort! RW: Who's the loneliest boy in Jaunt? Pat: Probably me but it’s not so bad out here! RW: I'm always here to be your Pat's Pen-Pal, I could even pretend to be you like one of those weird 90's 1-800 numbers you could call to talk to George Clooney but actually it's some guy named Laird sitting in a revolving chair... “On the back of all this thinking is a misplaced fear of staying still.” What can you tell us about this lyric and fears of being stagnant? Pat: As someone who doesn’t write the lyrics for the band, I should probably avoid this question but I’ll take it on. My take is that sometimes while life feels like a whirlwind of thoughts and decisions, we all have a mutual fear that we’re not progressing enough despite the chaos and change. RW: Sparrow or Snail? Forest or Street? Pat: A street snail RW: Get it, sis. Who in the band runs fastest, and what motor-powered vehicle could they outrun? Pat: My guess is Nick, the man is a beautiful specimen who also engages in physical activity more than the rest of us. He’s outrun several sports-cars in his time. RW: I had a feeling he could outrun a car, I fucking knew it. Have you ever snorted ether on the banks of Lake Simcoe? Pat: My aunt and uncle own a cottage on Lake Simcoe, so I partake in this activity every summer. RW: How do you cheer yourself up? Pat: Something I definitely avoid doing is looking at Instagram if i’m even in the slightest bit upset. It’s a wormhole for bad thoughts! RW: As long as it's not snorting ether that makes you happy, that's what did my Aunt Ethyl in. Where were you one Christmas Eve 2003?

Pat: Probably dreaming of unwrapping a Gamecube over at my parents house. RW: I think this is a perfect place for a cliffhanger, thank you so much for your time and patience Pat. Audience: [applause] RW: Pat! It's Pat, everybody! Audience: [roaring applause] RW: Please, tune in next time to find out more about Pat's Pen Pal Company, and whether or not he got a Gamecube!

Check out Jaunt's new single, On Your Mind, and also definitely check out the rest of their music, don't listen to just one single you sloths, really dig in. They're good. Thanks again to Pat for dealing with us. Also, while you’re here, why not read my review of Jaunt’s album, Cue?

Roland’s Links2Listen2 (opens in new window) SOUNDCLOUD SPOTIFY APPLE MUSIC BANDCAMP INSTAGRAM FACEBOOK TWITTER https://www.thebandjaunt.com/

[lupienne]

Comic Negan Fic Recommendations

Welcome to my compiling of compelling Comic Negan fanfiction! If you’re looking for fics that focus more on Negan’s comic incarnation, well, here you go!

I used to try to update this list monthly, but it’s going to be probably every few months from now on. New additions are at the bottom and in italics.

As of this update, I’m also including fics I’ll describe as (Exception To) These are fics that are either based off TV Negan or seem to be based off him, but I still think Comic Negan aficionados will enjoy as well.

As always, if you like a fic, please leave the writer a comment or give them a kudos/like/reblog or whatnot. Writers appreciate your support and feedback so very much!

(updated on Sept 1, 2018)

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In no particular order:

Stigmatic by 217. Follow Negan’s POV as he leads the Saviors in what starts off as comic canon, before venturing into wonderfully AU territory. Also featuring 217’s most excellent OCs; she is truly a master at crafting real, well-rounded and interesting characters. She also has such a talent for writing Negan true to the comics and yet making her own unique version of his character as well. The plotline of this story is always moving forward as the Saviors travel through the highs and lows of life in the apocalypse. On ff.net On A03

217 has also done some AU series within the Stigmatic verse:

Phlegmatic: which is an AU take on Alice and Negan if they had met before the ZA. On ff.net On A03

Haematic which is another pre-ZA AU take where Negan struggles to raise his and the late Lucille’s daughter, Lulu (and her pet lobster, Crusty!), all by his lonesome. On ff.net On A03

Fics by WattStalf. She has quite a few Negan fics, most of which are nice bite-sized reads and quite enjoyable. Here’s three of my favorites.

His Favorite Girl Smut involving Negan and his favorite girl… why, who else but Lucille the Vampire bat?

Making Like A funny and sexy Negan/Rick fic.

One Night Stand Negan and Olivia smut. Hell yeah.

And here is her complete TWD list

A Wolf at the Door by Misterkingdom: A very well-written fic where Negan makes sure Rick knows who the King Dick Motherfucker is around here.

Beautiful Tragedy by 217: Yet another gem by this master writer of ole Negan. However, RM (aka ‘Rude Motherfucker’) the OC of this story, doesn’t see Negan in the most flattering light. One of Negan’s (aka ‘Dumpy’s) wives, she uses his perks to support her ongoing drug addiction, that is, until Negan takes note…and he doesn’t approve. The dialogue in this story is absolutely a riot, as RM’s mouth and thoughts are every bit as vulgar and outrageous as Negan’s! On ff.net On A03

217 also has quite a few shorter fare for those that balk at lengthier stories (but trust me, they are worth every word!) My personal favorites are The Cleansing which is a pitch-back affair, Negan’s Number What? (a birthday present to me a few years ago, and the hottest Negan/Sherry smut EVER!), and Non-NEGotiable which is a Stigmatic smut where Negan loses a bet and his ass to Alice. On ff.net On A03

The Life of Negan & Lucille by TeamCarlisle: Based off the ‘Here’s Negan’ backstory, it’s Negan and Lucille’s pre-apocalypse days before it all fell apart. Sweet and yet heartbreaking, it’s a treat to see Negan in his pre-Savior days. But get your tissues out for this one!

Recollection by 217: Another goodie by 217, this is based off the ‘Here’s Negan’ backstory and contains part of his life with Lucille. On ff.net On A03

Embracing the Apocalypse by Embracetheapocalypsewithme (SomewhatSlightyDazed) Sanctuary and the Saviors has gained a new member, Rebecca, who struggles to find a foothold in this new society, but soon has captured the attention of Negan. He himself has been newly reinstated as the Savior’s leader and is also on unsure ground, unlike his previous bout of leadership. The two share a similar sense of humor and a need for a new start, but nothing is ever easy in the post-apocalyptic world.

This is yet another story that captures the charm, awkwardness and humor of Comic Negan, and features a very funny OC as well. Very much worth a read!

SomewhatSlightyDazed also has several shorts (mostly smutty, but a few aren’t.) They’re great for a quickie. A quick read, that is. ;) My personal favorites are: Post-Apocalyptic Driving School, Guys Like Him (Olivia and Negan, always a treat!), and Double-Dare (Smutty threesome with Negan and his wives. Yum!)

Through the Valley by Dusty Cookie Another merry jaunt into Sanctuary and the lives of the Saviors. Several Saviors, while out on a run, spot a female apparently living all on her lonesome and think she might be a good asset for Sanctuary. Now Negan just has to convince her she has a place there, and our story begins. :)

Dusty writes an absolutely fantastic Negan and her OCs are also well-written and interesting. Her dialogue and overall writing style is also so entertaining, witty, and just a pleasure to read. Try Chapter 1, and you’ll be hooked! On ff.net on A03

Dusty also has several short fics that are all equally great… but watch out for that catty Miss Fiona in The Hand that Feeds!

Tender Prey by bigcatsandkatanas I’m very bad and haven’t reviewed this one yet. I haven’t read a lot of them, so maybe it’s a bit pre-mature to say, but I think this is my favorite Regan fic. We have a bit more of a humble and lonely Negan due to his incarceration by good ole Prick Grimes, and it makes for one smutty tale I adore. Negan is written really great in this and despite being mostly smut, it’s also got some nice character moments for Negan. I really like it.

Gifts by redheadedwhat A nice little Negan/OC smut for your reading pleasure. Some humorous bits and of course, some very lovely smut.

Hurt by opheliadawnwalker3 Perhaps leaning more towards TV Negan, this is still a really good (and heart-wrenching) short about Negan and Lucille and her very bad news.

Satellite Days by Kinkozan After the Whisperer War, Negan has been living in an old outpost from the Savior days, and he finds himself in the company of Toni, another survivor who isn’t quite welcome around her old communities anymore either. They must try to survive in their new environment, as well as survive each other.

Backspin by Kinkozan Negan’s wife Charli’s plans of giving him a much-deserved spanking and trying to assert herself in the relationship might come back to bite her in the ass. Smut and angst.

Lupienne’s Negan fanfictions. Here’s my additions to the Comic Negan bookcase. I have a long WIP involving Negan and the boring domestic affairs of his wives, as well as a few shorter reads that are mostly of the smut variety. On A03 On ff.net (I don’t have them all on there, but if you prefer reading on this site…)

Enigmatic by 217: Based off Here’s Negan 15, where Negan receives a nasty wound from a fellow survivor. Upon going to clean out his wound, Negan meets an OC who is all too eager to give him some ‘healing.’ On ff.net On AO3

Love(d) by Dusty Cookie A pre-ZA short with Negan and Lucille. Dusty doesn’t just tug at your heartstrings, she rips them right out of your body.

WIP by Metal Butter Metal Butter mentioned a prisoner Negan fic they were writing, and upon my request, posted a snippet of it! It’s not complete, but it’s awesome just as it is. I love the way Negan is written as he narrates from his prison cell. Also contains shades of Regan. Yum!

In the Twilight Kingdom by Embracetheapocalypsewithme (SomewhatSlightlyDazed) Filled with grief over his recently deceased Lucille, Negan struggles to live and find a reason for doing so in the dangerous new world of the apocalypse.

Decomposition by 217: “Do you know what decomposition is? Answer the goddamn question.” A dark short of Negan’s thoughts as Lucille claims another life.

Bedtime Stories by Embracetheapocalypsewithme (SomewhatSlightyDazed): What happens when Negan finds out some of the Sanctuary women have been writing porn about him?

Last Chance Revival by 217. This fic follows an AU, non-ZA Negan as he tends bar in a rough part of town, where the highlight of his night is watching quirky OC’s Murphy’s ass leave the bar in her tight leopard print spandex. On ff.net On AO3

Heart in a Blender by Bigcatsandkatanas. A Negan/Rick fic set in a non-apocalyptic AU verse. Negan, lonely and despondent after his divorce with Lucille, decides to take a chance and use a dating app. When he accidentally matches with Rick Grimes, it’s the start of an awkward friendship (and maybe more?) Bigcatsandkatanas writes an excellent Negan, from his personality to his dialogue.

I Bless the Rains Down at Sanctuary by Redheadedwhat. Negan’s wife Tallulah discovers the hilarity of a drunken Negan. And an important question is pondered…just what did happen to the band members of Toto after the apocalypse?

Exhaust by Spliced-up Angel. An AU take on All out War. What if Negan hadn’t lost that last battle? Told from Carl’s POV, the young Grimes struggles to adapt to Negan’s rule over Alexandria. Since the story is all from Carl, Negan isn’t painted in the most flattering light. His dialogue is hilarious and poor Carl finds himself in a few embarrassing situations due to Negan’s lack of shame.

The tumblr Masterlist for Dusty-cookie. Suitable for liking, rec’ing and reblogging!

Dixon Dallas by 217. An AU smut involving Negan as a porn star :D

Priorities by Dusty Cookie. A fluffy short, perfect for snuggling up with on a cold winter day!

Happy Fucking Birthday by Dusty Cookie. Negan gives the present of smut to his favorite birthday girl.

Careful What You Wish For by Dusty Cookie. More glorious smut! I only wish for more!

The tumblr Masterlist for Embracetheapocalypsewithme. Great for reblogging and giving this writer more exposure. Do it!  

An Enemy of the Crows by redheadedwhat. A chance encounter with a crow will change Negan’s life forever. :)

Cursed Land by Embracetheapocalypsewithme (SomewhatSlightlyDazed on AO3). This tale begins with a map with a blacked-out section Negan refuses to speak about… a fic to read with all the lights on!

The Love You Take by Embracetheapocalypsewithme (SomewhatSlightlyDazed on AO3). A lonely, exiled Negan investigates mysterious music he keeps hearing at night…

Yes, Mistress by Embracetheapocalypsewithme (SomewhatSlightlyDazed on AO3). Negan gets some new jewelry for Sherry to wear. She isn’t exactly enthused about it…but Negan can be pretty convincing ;) Glorious smut!

I’ll Always Be With You by Maggie Monster. Lucille has passed on, yet she has never left Negan’s side.

Irrational Fears by Embracetheapocalypsewithme. Even the fearless Negan has some irrational fears.

Hush by Dusty Cookie. Nothing like some public sex to get Little Negan all riled up ;)

Illicit Intervention by 217. This fic takes place before the apocalypse and involves Negan’s troubled marriage to Lucille and the woman he finds outside of it.

After Life by Dusty Cookie. Angsty Negan and Lucille.

Untitled (Regan smut) by Likeagoddamn cat. Some nice Regan smut based off Negan’s infamous ‘sad eye contactless handjob’ line from the comics.

His Beautiful Lady by Dusty Cookie. Negan foot-fetish smut! The world needs more of this! ;P

217fanfic’s Tumblr masterlist, suitable for reblogging and bookmarking. :)

Help Me Out by genevievedarcygranger. Prisoner Negan, Rick, and comments about handjobs lead to some Regan goodness.

Fics by Bunnylouisegrimes. Bunny is a new writer to the Negan scene and here’s some of her works I’ve enjoyed. Since I believe she writes more for TV Negan, these are (Exception To) :)

Lullaby of a Dead Man - Negan finds himself betrayed and fighting for his life.

Regret An intro to Bunny’s OC and a look into Negan’s regrets.

My Imaginary Friend isn’t that Imaginary AU in which Negan is the guardian to a young girl who is very special to him.

Gone Away, Out of Reach by Marium. (Exception To) TV based/AU and heavy on the angst. While in his cell, Negan learns some tragic news.

Fuck You by Annablack1102 (Exception To/seems comic-Negan enough to me) Sub Negan, smut, and strap-ons....what is not to like?

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Ok guys, that’s it for this update! Happy reading! I’ve got a big ole reading queue to catch up on, so hopefully come next update, I’ll have another heaping pile of fictional joy for ya’ll.

(Reblogs of this post are appreciated to help give these writers more exposure. :))

[thecomicon]

Review: Fame Tears The Brice Family Apart In 'Knock 'Em Dead' #5

Review: Fame Tears The Brice Family Apart In ‘Knock ‘Em Dead’ #5

There’s a massive time jump between the end of Knock ‘Em Dead #4 and the beginning of chapter five. Pryor’s in the twilight of his career, and he isn’t taking it well. A drunken episode with a gun in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit is just about rock bottom. He and Ronnie are on the outs. Fame and money and murder and cover-ups will do that.  Eliot Rahal has given the road map for dysfunctional…