#Do not use current physics to try and understand this shit. Because you will most likely be misinterpreting current physics in a way

[star-magi]

>> See a post about the dream state + nonlocality >> Click on it because it's interesting

>> Posits electromagnetic influences on dreams

>> Click off

[steampunk-raven]

why is mouth talking so hard rn

[olderthannetfic]

You know what medical pet peeve, I kind understand it but I still find it stupid and hate it. There's this medication I wanna try for my skin, but I can't use it unless I use birth control. I forgot the English name, sorry. Literally I cannot get it unless I'm on birth control and actively taking it, even though I don't fuck, I don't do casual sex and I am not dating, I'm completely soloing life. Ok? I would also have to piss in a cup each month to prove I'm not pregnant. I can't get the medication unless I take birth control because when pregnant it's bad for the fetus. A fetus I'll not have because I don't fuck, and have no interest in it, and I also in my current position and maybe future, just do not want children.

I can't fucking take birth control because all of the ones I tried leave me completely destroyed mentally and physically, I just don't have the body for any birth control. They make literally everything worse, bloating, nausea, periods, weight fluctuation, itchy for some reason, one even made me leak and then my breasts got so badly inflammed wearing a shirt was agony, etc. The medication I want to take isn't the best for general health either: Dry skin, liver, some other shit. I fucking hate it, I either have to just not do the medication, or I have to completely ruin my health in two ways because of a pregnancy that is just is not going to happen because I don't fuck.

I am guessing this is because of people lying about their sexual activity or some shit, but for the love of everything, now I can't get the medication that would actual improve my quality of life because of these people. I think what got me the most is that the Doctor I spoke to said that even if a woman doesn't have the ability to have children she would still need to take birth control and piss in a cup.

--

[the-kr8tor]

Someone asked me for some vampire!Hobie so here I come ☝️👀

The potion this time is some garlic gloves with cardamom in a heart-shaped bottle! Pretty please 🥹 I'm thinking about vampire!Hobie who can turn into a bat (ahem.. Astarion..) and by that he can surely do some night walks- flies? And he can't help but bring you, human!Reader, all sorts of trinklets and flowers and fruits he finds! He just loves to rest in your palm while you try out the blueberries he stole from the most expensive blueberry farm he could find 😅

I heard astarion and I folded immediately 🥴 Thank you for the request! I hope you love it 💕

Pairing: Vampire! Hobie Brown x fem! Reader

Word count: 1.6k

Tags: No use of Y/N, no specific physical description of the reader, cw food mention, Bat form! Hobie, Vampire AU, Fluff

Katy's one year celebration 🎉

Your bed practically lulls you to sleep while your comfort show helps fill in the silence of your dark bedroom. Eyes drifting close, head lolling off to the side, you jump when you hear squeaking and tapping at your window. Squinting, you blink away sleep, watching a black blob flying over your window, excessively tapping and scratching.

“Hobie?” You tilt your head, already walking closer to him, socked feet thudding across carpeted floors. You giggle at the sight of his tiny yet fuzzy bat form struggling to keep the plastic bag afloat with his claws. He squeaks frantically, and you swear you heard him curse. “Okay, okay, calm down, I'm opening it right now.” The second you unlock and open the window, he immediately flies into your room. Wings loudly flapping, he lands on your bed, dare you say to his face— cutely landing on your fluffy pink blanket. He looks right at home.

You kneel on the bedside, elbow propped up, chin placed atop your palm while your other hand gently pats his head. Now having a closer non sleepy look at him, you can see his leather vest (a tiny version complete with the patches and spikes) on his small bat body. Even with his long pointed ears, he still sports the similar piercings that shine under the low light of your lamp.

“Here to visit me?” You ask, and he leans his head against your touch, encouraging you to pet him more. “So spoiled, y’know you can just knock on my door in your human form, right?” His small crimson eyes blink at you and his head tilts at your question. Wordlessly telling you— ‘where’s the fun in that?’ You chuckle, “So what do you have for me, Hobat?” If bats can roll their eyes, Hobie would've done it already.

With his miniature foot, he kicks the bag towards you. Before looking, you try to guess what it is. Sometimes it's flowers that he picked up while flying, or small trinkets that fit on the palm of your hand. And currently, he loves giving you jewelry, you don't ask him where he got it though. You love it nonetheless.

Peeking inside, a bunch of blueberries greet you, they're all big and plump, you can practically taste the juice in your mouth. Your stomach rumbles at the thought. “Wow, you went all out.” You look at the logo on the plastic, recognizing that it's from the overpriced grocery store downtown. “Nice, holy shit! How'd you manage that?”

Hobie squeaks, a barrage of high pitched tones that are adorable but annoying as he goes on. You raise a brow at him, “you can just turn back to your human form, Hobie, I don't speak bat.” He shakes his tiny fuzzy head, red eyes staring back at you. “Oh,” you nod in understanding, “it's that kind of day, huh?” Waddling towards your hand, he holds your finger, patting it like you've done a good job of translating his squeaks and shrieks. “Alright, Hobat, go grab some paper towels because I will not have blueberry juice all over my bed.”

With a chirp, Hobie flaps his wings, flying above you and briefly landing on your head, teasing you with his wings atop your eyes. You giggle at his antics, acting like you're trying to swat him away.

While he sets off towards the kitchen, you sit down on the bed with the blankets covering you, hands already rummaging through the blueberries and popping them in your mouth. You let the sweet juice fill your taste buds, you're fully awake from how good they taste. You're sure you've eaten a handful before Hobie comes flapping back inside the bedroom, feet clutching the entire roll of paper towels.

You giggle at the familiar sight. “You look like a carrier pigeon.” He sticks his tiny pink tongue out to you, to which you grin wider.

He lands on your chest, paper towels rolling off to your side. His claws don't hurt as he tries to balance his weight so it doesn't puncture your favourite blanket. You pet his head with your blue stained finger. He suddenly grabs your finger before you could take it away, staring at the blue tint, he narrows his wine red eyes at you, head shaking slowly as if he's reprimanding you.

“What?” You shrug innocently, “I only ate a couple!”

Hobie sniffs at your finger, in his bat form it's hard to look intimidating or scary mostly when you're barely the size of a fist. You tamp down a giggle while his pink nose sniffs. He looks back at your lips where there's evidence of blueberry juice clinging to the corner of your mouth. He could use his telepathy and talk to you that way but this is more fun for him. Especially when it comes to teasing you.

He opens his maw, revealing sharp fangs. For a moment you thought that he'd bite you, your eyes widened at the thought. But he shuts his mouth closed, leaving his tongue out, giving you a little kitten lick across the pad of your finger.

You laugh at how his tiny licks tickle you, he clings to your finger tighter, bat body holding on to your hand for dear life as you try to yank him away. “Hobie!” Giggling, fingers wet, he finally gives you reprieve by flying away and landing on your chest with his body spread eagle, wings fully unfurled and relaxed. “Oh you big baby.” You come down from your fit of giggles, petting him briefly and then grabbing one blueberry to feed to him. He accepts it wholeheartedly, munching and chewing on the fruit like It's ambrosia, and even purring and humming. You can feel his happiness through the blanket as he practically vibrates.

This goes on for awhile, you feed him a piece, you eat the next couple ones until he squeaks impatiently. With your hand fully smelling of fruit, and the packaging empty, you wipe your hands clean while Hobie still lies on your chest, eyes fighting sleep.

After a moment of silence, his slow breaths tell you that your little vampire bat has fallen asleep. So you slide down on the bed from your sitting position to lie down properly, sleep already taking over. But you still don't close your eyes for fear that you might roll over and squish him in your sleep. Wooden stakes and the sun might be the only things able to kill him but you still don't want him to turn into a bat pancake.

Grabbing his body carefully, your hand wraps around his middle perfectly. After getting a hold of him while making sure you won't drop him, you pull him off your chest. You lift him up for only a moment before something stops you, or someone for that matter. Looking down, you see that with his tiny hands and feet that have sharp claws is clinging on the blanket, refusing to be separated from you. He's still asleep, tiny tummy protruding from his abundant midnight snack.

As much as you love the adorable sight, you have to take him off of you and place him on his side of the bed instead. So you start to wake him up, finger rubbing up and down his fuzzy back while you coo softly at him.

“Come on, Hobie, you gotta wake up. You can't sleep on top of me like this or I might squish you again. Remember last time?” With you booping at his pink nose, he stirs awake, red eyes blinking slowly at you. “There you are, sorry but I have to move you—” A poof of smoke appears and suddenly the weight on top of you gets heavier. “Hobie!” You gasp when he wraps all his long limbs around you, warm hand finding penchant on the small of your back, while the other has wiggled its way under your nape where calloused fingers rub along your skin just like you were doing to him a few minutes ago.

The smoke clears and you're greeted by a very smug vampire whose red eyes are aglow with amusement. “Evenin’”

“Hobie! You're heavy!” Your grin betrays you.

“You weren't complaining before,” he snuggles closer on your chest, nose nudging on the blanket. “‘sides, ‘m already comfortable.”

“Well I'm not and I'm just as sleepy.” Despite your words, your hands have found their way on his back, embracing him fully.

Hobie fakes a loud snore, head falling limp, and even lolling his tongue out for added effect. You chuckle, fingers massaging the knot on the back of his neck. With a groan, he holds on to you tighter as if he's not already impossibly close to you.

“You okay?” You ask, neck stretching down to kiss along his hairline.

“Yeah,” he says against the collar of your shirt. He's completely relaxed, “just want to be close to you.”

You've gotten used to his weight on top of you, smiling against his skin before you lay your head back down. “Okay, go to sleep.”

“Did you like the blueberries?” Hobie lifts his head up, chin placed on your chest.

You meet his eyes, “yes, it was really good. Thank you for bringing them.” He gives you his best smile, already thinking of ways he can get more. “Did you like it?”

“Yeah,” he lifts himself up, now hovering above you, inches away from your face, staring at you like you're the best thing in the world. He feels like you are. “But this is infinitely better.” You beam up at him, and with that he meets you halfway for a saccharin, blueberry juice kiss.

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Maybe something with love quinn dating a really picky eater? Like EXTREMELY picky. Thqnk you <3

I decided to go with headcanons rather than a fic, I hope that's okay! (I'm autistic and have food sensitivity so this was so relatable haha) hope you like it <3

Love Quinn dating someone who's a really picky eater

Warnings: referenced eating disorders, I think that's it??

Love is a lot more observant than most people give her credit for, so I think she'd recognize your pickiness right away

Making other people food is her love language, so she'd probably invite you over to her place or maybe even Anavrin's kitchen as one of your first dates so she can find out what your favorite meals are and make them accordingly

You know how in the first episode of season two she took Joe to all those different food places in LA so she could make him the perfect roast chicken after? That's how dedicated she is to finding out what you like

She keeps a mental (or maybe even a physical) list of all the things you like and don't like, textures that bother you, what your safe foods are, what you're open to trying, what's completely off limits, ect.

If you're the type of person who always orders the same chicken tenders and fries off the kid's menu at any semi-fancy restaurant you go to, she's more than happy to order it for you if it makes you feel embarrassed (and she's not afraid to chew someone out for making you feel bad about your eating preferences)

She makes it her personal goal to make sure you eat something at least once a day, just to be sure you're getting the proper nutrients that you need. Love knows that some pickiness when it comes to food can stem from some type of eating disorder, so she always gently encourages you to at least eat something small even if you're not very hungry

If you feel better eating with another person, then she'll always take her lunch breaks with you so you guys can eat together. If you'd rather eat alone, she'll check in on you just to make sure you're okay but other than that will leave you be (and of course she makes you lunch everyday, what kind of girlfriend would she be if she didn't?)

Even if you only eat the same five things on rotate, she still keeps the ingredients for said meals stocked up in her house so she can always have something that you'll want to eat (and if you ever fall out of interest with any of those things, no worries because she can just use the leftover products for Anavrin)

If you're ever having a day where nothing seems to strike your fancy, she'll take that as a challenge and makes it her personal mission to find at least one thing that'll spark your interest, even if the serving you eat is super small

No matter what your preferences are or what kind of struggles you may have with food, Love will always be understanding and supportive, doing whatever she can to make sure you always feel comfortable and safe with eating the food that she makes for you

End notes: this is kind of short but I hope you liked it regardless <3

Likes < reblogs | comments are greatly appreciated | requests are currently open

Main masterlist | You masterlist | wanna be added to my taglist?

🏷 taglist: @missmewts @ghot-girl @gilmore-angel @your-next-daydream @alexxavicry @noisy-dumb-piece-of-shit @theonetruepotato87 @caplanreblogsfics @samcvrpenters

[heavensickness]

Completely random things about Disco Elysium characters that I think about

Klaasje isn't Garte's type and he is probably the only one immune to her charm (she even manages to fool Kim)

Garte never takes a step back and even yells at the Hardie Boys and mercenaries. He doesn't give a shit if he dies.

Cunoesse sleeps outside at night

Cuno used to do his homework so he is not 100% illiterate

Cuno is locked out of his house by his father (his father keeps his key) so Harry breaking into their apartment might be the only way he could get in again

Smoker in the balcony says that Harry looks like he does belong in the Homosexual Underground. He even flirts a little

Egghead dresses like a boideiro

Measurehead can't get hard for his babe which he uses some of his racist bullshit to explain

You can touch the hanged man's penis for some reason and electrochemistry even urges you to

Kim intervenes when Harry is talking to Paledriver or Joyce only out of concern for him

When Harry sees Judit he immediately remembers her as the horse faced woman because that was probably what he used to call her before his amnesia, at least in his head

Similarly, Jean uses the words middle-class, bangable and fuckable while describing Dora in a deadpan tone even though he never met her because that was probably what Harry exactly said about Dora while he was drunk. The drunks in the fishing village also confirm that Harry said a "whore" fucked him over.

Endurance and physical instrument holds Harry's repressed toxic masculinity and possible misogyny, although you can become a feminist or grow out of those thoughts throughout the game. If you don't, they will repeat thoughts about how women are whores and they are all crazy.

Both in Harry's first dream and last dream, his subconscious focuses on Dora's sexual aspects: Warmth of her mouth, between her thighs, wearing a white gown that shows her figure etc.

Kim will still like your karaoke performance even if it was a disaster and he will even defend your performance against Jean

Jules Pideu will try to encourage you if you tell him you can't do this anymore

What Judit feels for Harry is just pity

If you make a "joke" to Cuno about Kim dressing in drag Kim will think something like "YOU are the one who looks like a hooker in those promiscuous clothes"

Jean will also tell you that you look like you have 20 STDs if you are wearing something "promiscuous"

Trant used to be a drug addict and so he understands why Harry can't just quit drinking

Ruby does not actually want to hurt Harry and Kim. She even decreases the intensity of pale emitter because she feels bad for them

Evrart will say "you are NOT an ultraliberal Harry, get the fuck out of here" if Harry says that he is an ultraliberal

Kim will yell "are you stupid??" so loud that Harry will lose a health point if he says that he is a fascist

Andre is "not twenty" and he is already balding

"Pigs" lady used to take care of the Hardie boys when they were kids

Titus says "some Hardie boys are queerer than others and that's okay", looking at Glen

Glen is probably gay but he is the one who reacts the most when Harry says that Ruby likes girls

You can give the working class woman a hug

Harry can ask Joyce if she wants to fuck but she will evade it immediately, saving both of them from embarrasment

If Harry goes on a date with Lilienne, one of his skills will say that this is as far as he could go in his current state & he should be sober for more than a year for something more. Which indicates that if Harry did not keep drinking/he has recovered, he could actually pursue Lilienne and they could be something more

Kim knows that wearing anal beads in public would not make a sound

[animentality]

not to be a boomer, but I do worry about the current generation of kids being raised with iPads.

first off. some of them literally can't hold a pencil because their parents never gave them physical toys to grip and play with, developing their fine motor skills.

you might ask why do we even need to learn how to write physically anymore- well, frankly, because if you're stranded on an island somewhere and you need to write HELP, you might not have the strength to hold a pencil, but you can at least hold a stick.

but on a more general note.

writing by hand helps you remember things better. it forces you to focus in a way that typing something word for word does not. a person can transcribe what a professor says without even thinking about it.

someone writing notes has to consider what to write and what to omit. it also activates more parts of your brain, forcing you to flex the parts of your brain related to learning and communicating, while also engaging the part of your brain dedicated to muscle control and precision.

but in general, I think the issue isn't even oh technology is bad and kids are getting dumber.

you can have PowerPoints AND take physical notes. that could help you learn even better than the olden days where you just had to remember everything that was thrown at you. or read very limited, out of date books.

the problem is that the generation that raised/is raising this generation of children just doesn't understand the true impact that all this technology will have on their kids. or they just don't care.

because our generation had the internet yes, but it wasn't widely accessible for most of us, sharing our computers with the entire family in the kitchen. it was also the internet in its infancy, where it wasn't quite so predatory, when it was lawless and disturbing, yes, but it wasn't weaponized by corporations trying to sell you things and steal your data, it wasn't flooded with bots and ai and all sorts of things that the human brain can't even distinguish as real or fake, especially when you're just a little kid.

that generation still played with physical toys. we celebrated when it snowed and we could stay home.

we also came from a gen that still, vaguely, cared about some form of community and had third spaces for kids to hang out.

90s children, who still had some memories of both playing outside on a playground and playing Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64 with their friends, who both went out to the mall and had a club penguin account.

we grew up with laptops and smart boards. maybe some of us had them in high school or college, but we still physically went to class and developed relationships. learned uncomfortable things about ourselves and others, the way humans do.

met new people and were exposed to new ideas, away from our parents. but not from some fucking influencer trying to sell us Sephora products.

we had to study for things, instead of just being able to Google shit for some bullshit online test.

which is also something that really concerns me. so many kids today can so easily Google answers for every test, and while tests don't ultimately matter in the real world, they still provide some basis for things that do matter.

like I'm just imagining medical students googling how to perform an appendectomy on the day of, and just using a YouTube tutorial to guide them through, and shuddering.

there are some things that the Internet can't teach you.

there always will be.

but I don't think my generation is really helping their kids find the balance that we were given naturally growing up.

the boomers and gen xers had fist fights and we had bullying someone online until they committed suicide.

and now kids use AI to spread fake nudes of girls.

but the laws haven't caught up with a lot of this stuff yet, and certainly won't while we have dinosaurs running our government. and culture takes even longer to change than laws.

I also worry because I know how badly covid affected kids worldwide. how they struggle to read and do math, because remote learning just isn't good for kids.

and I can't even blame them!! I literally teleworked for 4 years and even I can admit that I'm not nearly as good at focusing at home as I am in the office.

it's hard for kids with social anxiety and disabilities, yes I know, I know, trust me, I have social anxiety, and as a hybrid worker ATM, I highly doubt I'd be able to handle 5 days a week in the office.

but it's also not particularly good for kids to stay home ALL the time, entertaining themselves in their room and never being challenged, and never meeting people other than their parents.

the iPad is more of a symbol of that problem than the direct problem.

if your entire... world view is limited to what you can see on your iPad... I mean what a terrible world view you'll have.

you're a 10 year old using TikTok and all you ever see is the same opinion over and over until you can scarcely comprehend people who have an opposing opinion.

you see fake videos that seem so real. that must be real, and so comforting, aren't they, those videos that seem so real?

you let 30 year old influencers who are trying to grift people shape your world view.

and it's not even your fault.

your parents aren't doing anything to help you.

you're young and you're being barraged with entertainment and fake educational videos and how to guides that accidentally create mustard gas in your toilet.

your parents should be teaching you to find a balance between these things. they should be telling you what's real and caution you about the things you see.

they should limit your fucking time on the iPad actually. take you to a fucking park and let you roll in the mud or some shit.

and then when you're a teenager and a young adult, then you can start deciding for yourself what you believe.

but a lot of these weird millennial/gen z parents, man. just let your 1 year old scroll through vids on TikTok while you don't even talk to them or look at them once.

maybe it's because they don't see the harm in it, but I don't get it.

adults can watch TikTok all day and know, ahhh this is bad for me. I'm not doing anything I actually want to be doing.

adults can see other adults doing dumb shit and say ah you're sponsored. someone paid you money to say and do that. silly.

but kids are just kids.

they don't have discipline and frankly, that's not their responsibility. that is yours.

you should be teaching them that they can't have everything in life at their finger tips at all times, actually.

the iPad doesn't solve all of your problems, nor will it think critically for you.

so I worry about if humanity can really keep up with its own technology.

our species is still in its infancy, believe it or not.

so maybe these are just growing pains, and future generations will be able to look back on this era and know the proper balance.

but as someone living in 2024.

I wonder just how much pain is left before we really mature and either make it or break it.

[xxastreascornerxx]

First post let's go!!

I've seen A LOT of hate towards Lunar but where's that energy towards Earth?

Lunar has gone through a lot and it seems like Eclipse did some stuff off camera as well because of how bad it did fuck him up. Some people don't seem to acknowledge that although most of their lives are uploaded to YouTube there is no way that you can capture someone's entire life unless you just let it keep rolling, no camera cuts, just pure raw footage.

Lunar might be a bit spoiled to some, sure— I'd even agree he's self centered. But has everyone forgotten the SHORT time span this is going on in? The amount of shit that has happened and it's only been what? Two and a half maybe three years?

Now onto the actual argument because I'm tired of filler to help my case.

Lunar TOLD Earth the shit that he went through at the hands of Eclipse, and she respected it. But clearly she didn't respect it enough to not BEFRIEND THE MAN.

Sure you can argue that it's a different Eclipse but my stance is the same Lunar has stated time and time again that Eclipse has treated him the same, whether physically or verbally this Eclipse has still treated him like that "failed creation" and that fucks with someone.

"Lunar didn't have to start a villain arc by killing Ecli—" SHUT UP. THAT WAS NOT A VILLAIN ARC. Earth got pissy because her new "friend" died and she was going down the same route as they did with Nexus.

Earth was fully planning on disowning Lunar for killing his abuser whether she says it verbally or not. We're told time and time again that Earth is deathly afraid of being a bad person, of not being the perfect sister. It seems that fear applies to every one of her siblings but Lunar.

Everyone who's calling Lunar a bad person for his "Villain arcs" are ignoring the fact that Earth despite claiming not to be a therapist and trying to "help" Lunar has been sitting there DEMEANING HIM FOR NOT GETTING HELP.

Sure Lunar should see an actual psychologist but why would he want to go to his sister when she's just going to judge him?

Onto the current "villain arc" because I feel like I'm harping too much on Eclipse and Earth, I don't condone Lunar killing Eclipse but Earth's reaction was fucked up.

Lunar has been training for months, it started once every week with one teacher and now it's twice a week with two. He's going to be exhausted, sure Lunar took what Gemini said wrong but they still essentially told this man to stop being traumatized.

Taurus is just as badly in the wrong as Gemini for this however with Gemini I expected some sort of respect? I mean you're claiming to try and love someone despite your limited understanding of the concept however you're treating him like lesser.

Earth claimed to want to help, to understand how stressful training was. But as soon as Lunar tells her that he's getting a break she's ON HIS ASS. (It's not actually a break, Lunar literally got told that he couldn't be useful unless he was letting his emotions go)

Sure, during the Nexus situation he was pretty absent— both Nexus situations he was absent but guess what Earth? HE HAS A LIFE THAT DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND HIS SIBLINGS.

Do I agree Lunar could've been there more? Yes. But he's balancing Training with two GODS twice a week, what limited schedule he's given for the daycare because he "isn't good at his job" (he wasn't MADE to be a daycare attendant he was made to be a suppressant so Eclipse could rule the world) and on top of that he has to go home and be a "good brother" in Earth's eyes.

I feel like Earth pushes her own fear onto Lunar, he's not a bad brother he's just crumbling under pressure LIKE NEXUS. Earth pushed him too far and she got hurt, I'm not saying she deserved it but she has no fucking respect for his emotional and mental well-being because when she looks at him she sees someone unfit to be apart of the Celestial family.

I'm sick and fucking tired of saying that Earth is always good because SHE FUCKING ISN'T. She's a great girlfriend and wonderful at giving advice but she is a HORRIBLE sister to Lunar.

"Earth is crumbling under pressure too—" AT LEAST EARTH HAS OUTLETS AND PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO LET HER VENT. Lunar doesn't have HALF of what she has, when he tries to communicate with the Astrals they put him lower than them and try to tell him how to fix the problem (when you're venting you don't want a solution you want to be heard) when he tries to find his own ways to destress guess who comes waltzing in with another problem? EARTH.

Earth has a problem with Lunar always saying that he's going to die when she has a problem with him but does she not understand that her feelings aren't being invalidated he's just communicating his own? He's afraid and needs someone to talk to and his own SISTER won't comfort him because she's too wrapped up in being pissy over the miniscule issues.

Lunar should've been there more for Sun but could he have? He was trying to cope with the idea that he no longer had mentors, to him he didn't have a purpose. He had every right to try and stay away especially while messing with NSP.

Earth doesn't seem to understand that Lunar has been fucking doomed by the narrative since day one, he's been abused, pushed to the side, and told that if he isn't helpful he might as well be dead. Of course he's going to go looking for other ways to be of use.

I don't agree with Lunar teaming up with Rez and using NSP but he accidentally hurt Earth because she pushed him too far. She asks so much of him. I wish Lunar wouldn't have gotten into this mental state but again he's doomed by the narrative. He loved Gemini and he would've done anything for them to see him as useful.

Now, Lunar is on trial again and his sister is damaged because SHE pushed him too far. I don't hate Earth but trust me I'll be one of the first people to put that bitch in her place because she has no right making Lunar's issues about her.

[featherwingfae]

Gonna try to make this a "Quick post".

(warning some light swearing)

Maybe, just maybe one of the reasons we're seeing so many new Therians nowadays is because humans have fucked up the earth so bad that the universe just went fuck it and threw in a bunch of nature brains to balance things out. People who wouldn't just be able to look at the devastation of wildlife and their homes and just move on like nothing happened. Because they can see themselves in those creatures, and it hurts them to know that they are suffering. And maybe if there's enough nature brains, seeing themselves in the withering world around them, then more and more people might stand up and say this isn't right. We need to fix this. And maybe in a human world where one of the most lovely traits of humanity is being able to work together a bunch of nature brains with human faces can make a difference. They say animals can't speak human. Well they can, and are. Maybe Therians are the voices of nature coming out from the wilds, to places and bodies where they're not comfortable, where the air is heavy with pollution and trash litters the ground. And they have to learn weird shit like math, and work exhausting jobs that are often just to pay the bills that allow them to keep surviving. All so that they can see the damage from the other side and better understand the problem and together find solutions to stop it.

I'm not saying humans (and others) can't and/or dont do anything. I'm saying it's harder to do nothing when you look at creatures suffering and see yourself. Empathy is a beautiful thing. It helps connect us. But in a world where almost no one can afford the barest minimum just to survive. Where finding happiness feels like a struggle because you're constantly grinding and pushing yourself beyond your mental, emotional and/or physical boundaries, how easy is it to just shut yourself off. To put on the blinders because you're stuck yourself and you don't feel like there's anything you can do, so why upset yourself further by caring. It's sad. Terribly sad. Soul crushingly, heart wrenchingly sad.

Most people nowadays suffer from anxiety, depression or some other mental illness. And yes those illnesses are more known and understood now, and are more easily diagnosed. But I think the reason we see them everywhere now, is as simple as everyone is suffering. The human world in its current state, is not a healthy place. Fun times are often merely distraction from the crushing reality around us. It hurts to accept how much hurt there is right now.

I'm not saying it's all on the shoulders of Therians. I'm not saying you have to quit your job or your school and run off into the wild picking up every piece of litter and chaining yourself to trees. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about the increase of Therians and my personal hypothesis as to why there's so many now. And it's as simple as this. One Therian does not shoulder all the burden of the earth. Just as one human does not. But if there are Therians in schools, going "hey look at this little/big guy isn't he cute/cool" showing their friends and classmates"it's so sad he's going extinct because his home is being destroyed" , Therians on trails, streets, beaches seeing litter and using just a little bit of their time to remove at least some of it. Therians in stores refusing to buy certain products because of animal cruelty/testing, Therians manifesting/praying to help even if it's just a little bit, Therians on the Internet/TV spreading awareness, Therians in government actually trying to do what's best for the environment and the people, instead of just what's best for their bank account etc etc.

In reference to that horrible math stuff, a million ones together doesn't equal nothing. No matter how small an act it still adds up to something. Therians everywhere means more people who can't forget, who can't move on, who can't just shutdown and hope for the best. People who feel like they have to do something. So they don't eventually see themselves disappear (go extinct).

The universe and the earth can sometimes have a funny way of balancing things out. Maybe Therians are one way to at least try regaining that balance.

I'm overjoyed to see more Therians. Because I feel like more Therians means more voices for nature, and more chances to save this beautiful planet ☺️✨🌍🌎🌏💚

Anyway that's my two cents. Sorry this post ended up being longer than I intended 😅

And now my fascinating and fantastic creatures, great and small, furry, feathered, scaled or whatever-ed, and all others of open mind who took time to read my ramblings, I wish upon you a most glorious day/night. May we all follow our hearts/souls to do what we feel we can for this magnificent planet. ✨

👁️🪽✨🌟🌱❄️🪻🍀🌎🍄🌹💚🌍🌵🌈⛈️🌠🦊🐁💙

Till next time

[weebsinstash]

Damn, imagine if all this YT drama was happening when Spot's situation was currently going on too. And, well, since our dimension is fucked and we just seem to jump through dimensions without the watch, what if we end up in Spot's place? (The blank void when he entered one of his own spots).

And, it would be funny to look at him, and for him to look at us and just... stare or wave. He is weird like that, and we are too.

Also, we can start bonding on feeling out of place? Sharing the same experience of everyone leaving us behind/ignoring us. Maybe we can even seek solace in his presence, and in his unique persona (even if he is supposed to be a villain).

And the fact that this is the only place we don't glitch out of? Maybe some bullshit physics as this place literally makes no sense, as well as us. It's like we belong here, with him. He could always teleport us somewhere else, but we look so tired, so pitiful and in so much need of some sort of care... he feels bad for us. And maybe, he can try and convince us to stay with him. After all, he *is* the only one who hasn't turned his back on us, right? He isn't a bad guy like those 'friends' of us were saying!

Meanwhile everything is going to shit in the society's HQ :)

I've actually had a few ideas involving The Spot where he's either the yandere or antagonist or a central character in some way and it's really just a matter of me getting around to. Writing the dozens of things I want to write lmao

But bro your mind 😩 you've just been exiled during the YouTwo incident amd you're glitching and, you know, slowly deteoriating over time, and, suddenly, you're in this weird literally nondescript place where you're suddenly... 'balanced out'? You don't feel like you're being pulled in a bunch of different directions anymore, and you look around and it's just some white void with black dots everywhere that you think you can kind of see and hear things out of if you get close enough, but, first and foremost, is that a person? Spot just like. Is staring at you with this very deer in headlights energy and, you both awkwardly wave to each other, "uhhhhhhh... hi?" "...hiiiii, uh, is this 'your place'? Thank you so much, dude, I've been zipping all over the place, i thought i was gonna die, you saved my life" and maybe you even hug him and he's not sure how to process this because you're clearly a variant of Spiderman but you hold no animosity or hostility towards him whatsoever and 👉👈 this is the most positive human interaction he's had in ages.

Not even his powers, but his knowledge alone would be extremely useful in this scenario because like, he could literally just warp around stealing whatever parts he needed to build something that would "hold you together", given his involvement with Alchemax and the colliders specifically

You're just so understandably and genuinely grateful and Spot feels GOOD about being needed, about being someone's savior. He really had been one of the only ones who could help you and he gets a little drunk off that fact. Whether your glitching is a mutation and is your own power or you're simply some weird anomaly, you two form a kinship, and if it IS some sort of weird ability, maybe he even decides to mentor you a little! Gives him something to do, and it totally isn't to help distract him from how lonely and depressed and miserable he is!

But similar to how the other villains discounted him, you kind of discount him yourself in the sense that you don't see him as a threat. Which, he doesn't necessarily want you to, and it's not some sort of disrespect thing, but, the linger he spends with you, the more he wants you to see him as a man, a man with needs, emotionally, psychologically, physically. Whyd you have to give him all those hugs when he hasnt had human touch in forever, huh?! Don't you know how lonely and touch starved he is?! And you just think you can--can walk away from him? Disrespect him after everything he's done for you, disrespect him like everyone else?

You can always try and 'outrun him' with your little glitching, but, even if you manage to lose him, he'll pick up your tracks again, and one day you wake up from finally crashing from exhaustion to find a pitch black figure at the foot of the bed, slowly pulling in everything around it like some sort of eldritch black hole. And Jonathan menacingly waves to you, "I don't think I'll have trouble keeping up with you this time. I made sure of it"

[cdroloisms]

Hi! Just for your input on a definitely hypothetical scenario that I would never write anything about… Someone has locked c!Dream and c!Quackity in a room together for many months, without weapons, and neither of them are able to die. How are they dealing with their new life?

uhhhhh.miserably ... ? 😂

honestly given the death immunity i think c!dream takes this as exposure therapy. he is sooooooooo not afraid. there'd be quite some beating each other up ifl ... on c!Dream's front, there's the fact that he's Not Scared, c!Quackity is a little pussy, he's completely helpless in a real fight, etc. and c!Quackity is a fucking idiot picking fights he can't win (except sometimes he does, because he hits on some button in Dream's head that makes him freeze up or play dead.) there'd also probably plenty of attempted avoiding and ignoring each other, because honestly. they can't really stand each other, LOL.

the thing with q and dream here, i think, that is obviously very different from daedalus + sam and dream's whole deal is that ... there's just not much they want out of each other. quackity didn't Change suddenly to dream, necessarily--he's never been close to the guy, his introduction to quackity really pivots pretty quickly to him siding with schlatt, who we know dream did not think positively of at all and brought up to quackity during the mexican lmb debates, and nothing after that really helps his impression of the guy at all. at best, quackity is stupid--at worst, he's someone who creates fights that he can't follow through with at a frankly alarming rate, he's someone with a random ass bone to pick with dream and won't hesitate to Start Some Bullshit to make it dream's problem, and he's a completely incompetent leader that would rather seek conflict that blows up in everyone's face than compromise. obviously the torture is an escalation of all of that, but as far as he's concerned quackity was never someone to really draw close to and always someone that had a chip on his shoulder and too little common sense for his own good. he's got no reason to try and understand why quackity did Alluvthat or anything--it's quackity! who gives a shit! fuck that guy! on a similar note, while obviously quackity is more parasocial about dream than the other way around, quackity isn't trying to pick dream's brain and everything he actually wants from dream won't come to him in a room where they're forced to spend time together as "equals" in a certain forced physical sense. he doesn't give a fuck about what dream thinks, he doesn't care about how dream feels, all that matters is 1) the power dream has both by being dream (tm) and a sort of figurehead on the server and the literal power he had to get in quackity's way back in the day, neither of which really do much for either of them at the minute with zero power over their current circumstances, and 2) revenge on the guy because he fucking hates him and because he is scared of dream fucking with him/his countrywhat have you (in large part because, yknow, of the torture thing) only there's zero progress to be made on that front either in the situation that they've been forced in. i don't see aaaaaaany kind of emotional realizations about the other one really happening because Who Gives A Shit if dream/quackity has feelings, Not Me is a sentiment kind of shared here--at most it's knowledge that can be used against the other, make fun of them or whatever, but even any satisfaction from that would be pretty dulled by the whole stuck together in a get along shirt thing.

ultimately i think they'd hate the whole thing, come out the other side hating the other guy more, fight some ignore each other even more because honestlyneither of them can stand each other like, at all LOL. worst fucking roommates arc ever

[katerinaptrv]

Joe's Internal Struggle - Ep 9 Analysis (MingJoe bias because i am a believer)

Well, this was definitely the most emotional episode so far, yeah, seeing and burying your original body is enough to destabilize everyone. We all can see and understand this, so I will focus on his internal struggle towards Ming after the event.

First, in his funeral he sees that Ming does feel guilty, and sees his grief indicating for Joe he does feel something for him.

Sol, “he only feels guilty” explanation is like a new fear unlocked moment for Joe, to doubt Ming’s real motivations and his love, and make him hesitant about what he wants to be true.

Ok, to finish the funeral we have the confrontation, Joe confronts Ming, but he never really gets violent with him, just pushes him around a little screaming at him.

I found this fact interesting no matter what Ming does (kidnapping and at all), Joe has never once punched him or hurt him in any physical way. We all know how understandable we would be if he did, Ming certainly did enough for us to find it justified, but Joe never does it.

And this is why I personally think he gets really frustrated when Sol does it, I don't think he likes it at all when his friend does this. It certainly does not have the effect Sol hopes it does. He actually gets mad, for me, his head is like “I am the one in this shit with him doing all of this, i don’t punch him, what do fuck you think you are doing it?”. I always imagine him screaming this at Sol in his head.

Anyway going back, Ming does his usual manipulation/forceful/selfish plan to get what he wants, that right now is confirmation that new Joe is actually old Joe.

And Joe falls for it of course, but we have some important clues of his internal conflict here, first the mugs.

He gets to them and stops, not knowing if he takes them with him or leaves them, it symbolizes his current conflict with Ming when he does not know to give him a chance or leave him for good.

Before he makes the choice, this is important guys, I will come back to this later. Ming shows up revealing his master evil plan, and trying to make amends.

And Joe throws at him his major insecurity, and his major problem with Ming in general:

“If i told you, you would make me Tong’s replacement for the rest of my life.”

Now, again, let’s take a minute to analyze this, this is his first real confrontation with Ming since his death. He abandoned the cover of not being him and confronted him. But Joe does not say “you ruined my life”, “you were the reason i am dead” and etc. And when he quotes those he says "you wouldn't be thinking of Tong when you did".

For Joe is not what he did, is why he did it (very unhealthy way of thinking, but is how he thinks about it).

He points Ming greatest sin towards him in his POV and it is you never loved me back.

And Ming begins his path of atonement, and Joe hears for the first time saying he loves him, that he missed him all along.

Then, of course Sol comes in, punches Ming and drags Joe away.

Drags, Joe still paralyzed by the last piece of information he receives, and when he starts to react again is to call for Ming.

Then he stops at the bottom of the stairs facing his internal conflict again about what he wants and what he is afraid to want.

And Sol throws his fears at him to convince him to not go back, that was what he really wanted to do.

Now, we have a new morning in his house. Joe has been kinda on the funk(completely understandable and relatable), then after his mother awakes him, the other woman comes to say: “Someone is here for you”. And we see the expectative and hope in Joe’s face, and it all falls when he sees Sol. Because that is not who he really wanted to be looking for him or see.

And of course, he loves Sol as a friend/brother and he is happy that he cares, but is not the same for him.

We have the press conference, with Ming being his usual manipulative/forceful self which only deepens Joe’s fears and pushes him away. Because in his POV for him is like saying he didn’t change, he is still the same, i was only fooling myself.

Then Sol goes violent with Ming again (must be a new record) and I only want to comment on Joe's reaction. Because yes, he is saying for him to stop because of the press and etc.

But he steps in to push him away, but stays with Ming, and not to restrain him, but to check on him.

And in the end we have the very awaited conversation (with wrong backs crush and all) with them washing their dirty laundry right in front of poor secretary Jim salad (let's hope for a bonus from Mike for him, that man suffers).

And for me the decisive moment is when Joe asks for Ming to let go, and he does for a few seconds (was it like 5? not much) and he goes after him again,

And that is the conflict that will endure at least one more episode, Joe has all the information now, but Ming does not let him have space to choose. And he needs to have it, to think about it all, feel what he truly feels and if go back this time to be by his choice. He wants to go back by choice not because Ming forced him.

Now quoting our canonically successful unbalanced toxic ship, VegasPete needed to be separated, Pete needed to come back to his life without Vegas and be given the choice to let him go, what he was (even with the very final possibility, because KP). And then he chooses, he got everything he had without him, and saw it was empty for him now, so he makes his choice to be with Vegas.

MINOR BOOK SPOILERS AND THEORIES FOR NEXT EPISODES:

In the book we have the same confrontation, Ming does not let go, and Joe stays with him without ever being given a chance to breathe. So Joe stays while saying he wants him to go all the time.

Until for book reasons, that i won’t say, Ming disappears, is gone, he isn’t there anymore, he is not calling Joe or being around. Joe has his life back, he is free, and he hates it.

Important to say it was not Ming’s choice (we all know he could never), but he is forced to do it by something out of his control.

And that gives Joe the space to feel what he feels and make the choice of coming back with him. Also, Joe is not given any information of what happened, so he experiences for a smaller frame of time what Ming did in those two years which helps him to forgive the other.

He does not know what happened to him, did he get tired and leave, did something happen, where is he?

Anyway, the situation in the book is kind of old fashioned, and I am almost certain it might not be adapted the same in the series, so theory time.

There has been talk in the fandom about a possible future scene of Joe in a wheelchair and in a hospital. So maybe, they have an accident, a bad one, and maybe Ming gets really close to dying of something and this is how they will adapt to him being away and Joe’s choice. But is just some crazy theory I've been thinking about now that we are getting close to the end.

[wishcamper]

Heavy Lies the Crown: Rhysand, greatness, and the pressures of power

Or: the librarian’s daughter, former playwright, licensed counselor mashup of my nightmares dreams because I am vast, I contain multitudes.

No content warnings and no real HOFAS spoilers, I don't think, other than that he's in it but I feel like you know that by now. Spoilers for Breaking Bad (lol).

---

In working on my current fic (on ao3 here!) I've been thinking a lot about Rhysand and how he really goes off the rails in ACOSF and HOFAS. It's easy to chalk it up to poor writing, but I like the challenge of trying to make it make sense. What are Rhys’ motivations, truly? What would explain the vast array of heinous shit he does the text tells us is justified?

Rhys is shown over and over to be quite Machiavellian ('ends justify the means' dude, who was maybe writing satire). It's easy to list the times he shows this. The 50 year Velaris hostage situation. The bargain UTM with Feyre. The Weaver's cottage. Stealing the Book from Tarquin. CLARE BEDDOR. Infiltrating people's minds. Torture. Assassination. Allying with Kier. Concealing his wife's medical information. Being an ass to people in general. According to Mr. Machiavelli, any action is warranted if it the goal it achieves is morally important enough.

It seems like Rhys can justify anything to himself if he believes it will serve the greatest good at the end of the day. He does so many things with the air of “it’s for your own good” or “you’ll understand why one day” but that day never.. comes? Not yet anyway, which begs the question: is he that unself-aware, or is there a longer game he’s playing that all of these minor skirmishes are leading up to? What if he knows what's coming? And what kind of cause or threat would feel so great he could justify everything he does up to this point?

Okay I'm gonna talk about Aristotelean literary structure, please don't leave me.

The idea of a tragic hero is a character whose downfall is inevitable but who fights against it anyway. Hamlet is a classic example of a tragic hero, Oedipus being the de facto first, Walter White from Breaking Bad a more modern version. We see Walt learn he’s going to die in the first episode, in the middle he does a bunch of stuff to prevent his physical death (cancer) and metaphorical death (failure/obscurity), and then both his body and reputation die in the last episode as a direct result of his attempts to avoid fate. It’s blissful Aristotelean symmetry. *chef’s kiss*

Every tragic hero has hamartia, more commonly known as a ‘fatal flaw’. In Hamlet, his fatal flaw is procrastination, and his delays create space for all kinds of the fuck shit he was trying to prevent. It’s important to note that hamartia is by design a neutral term - not so much a flaw, but a trait, motivation, or decision that sets off the chain of events the character is trying to avoid. Tragedies have occurred equally from too much love as too much hate, and doing nothing is just as much a decision as doing something. The word itself comes from the Greek for ‘to miss the mark’. To try and fail, the backbone of tragedy.

One of the most common hamartia is hubris, a modern synonym for arrogance but which more specifically means an outsized belief in one’s ability to affect and control the future. Well-known tragic heroes taken down by hubris include our boy Walter White, Tony Soprano, Viktor Frankenstein, Achilles, Jay Gatsby, Kendall from Succession. It exists in real life, too: Lance Armstrong is a perfect example of a modern tragic hero brought down by hubris. And what do all these men have in common? Power, via money, fame, strength, the state, intellect, violence etc.

I’ve been enjoying looking at Rhysand through this tragic hero lens because while it doesn’t really make him more sympathetic, it does make his actions easier to understand logically, which is its own kind of humanization. If Rhysand is aware of a prophesied or fated event sometime in the future and is pulling the cosmic strings now, it must be incredibly important, like annihilation-level important, which is so much pressure. 

So he grows to maturity with an understanding that he will one day have to face this intense evil that could completely destroy his world, and it plants in him a hubris. He believes that his immense power grants him a certain amount of influence automatically. And honestly, is he wrong?

And this is where it’s important to think about how power makes people weird. Power gives people a false sense of confidence in their actions and choices, because their status and privilege protect them from so many more consequences. In this way it’s easy to see how someone can get a big ego - no one is stopping me, so I must be doing well! Or: everything is going well for me, so I must be really killing it! I know I feel that way in the first tingles of hypomania, but hypomania is fundamentally a distortion of reality and I believe so is power.

Power not only gives people confidence but also access to make decisions for others. They begin to think they should share the success they’ve found by leading and guiding others to see how great it can be if you do what they say. Just look at one of those cringe 'billionaire morning routine' videos to see what I mean. It’s a very patronizing form of altruism, because the leader genuinely believes they have the people’s interest at heart. And I use the word patronizing intentionally - leaders have often referenced feeling paternal towards their people, Winston Churchill + FDR, 'God the Father'. Power and fatherhood have been linked for a long time. And direct from our girl Wikipedia, "paternalism is action that limits a person's or group's liberty or autonomy and is intended to promote their own good".

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine recently about how I think some men don’t have the experience of other people depending on them in a significant way until they get married and/or become fathers. Like, afab and femme people learn very early to be considerate of others, to think about how others feel, to act in ways that keep others happy, etc. This plants in us a sense of duty to perform in ways that please others, to smile, to create comfort and provide caretaking in every environment we enter. So by the time we get to marriage and motherhood, we already know how to put others’ needs before our own because we’ve been doing it from the jump.

For men, however, this can be a completely novel experience. And it seems like it's SO HEAVY FOR THEM. George ‘Father of his Country’ Washington just wanted to go back to Virginia the whole time he was President. So many men talk about the pressures of being a provider and their families depending on them in a way women don’t, and I think it’s because for the first time others truly depend on them and they don’t know how to handle it.

In response, they either shove down their emotions as patriarchy demands and have a midlife crisis, or they abdicate that responsibility and go completely absent physically and/or emotionally to continue living for themselves. (Obviously there are good men and dads out there, and bless you if you’re lucky enough to know, have, or be one.)

And this aspect of power feels relevant because from the text it seems like Rhysand is unraveling. Between Feyre, the baby, the Trove, Nesta and being threatened by her power, Koschei, Bryce, the whole High King shit - I think he’s starting to crack under the pressure. And honestly, I’m kind of surprised it didn’t happen before now.

According to Aristotle, the tragic hero must:

Be significant (virtuous/capable/powerful/important etc.)

Be flawed

Suffer a reversal of fortune.

Rhysie boy definitely ticks the first two. I wonder what it would look like to get to three? I don’t think Sarah has the balls, but it’s definitely enhanced my reading experience and given me a lot of interesting things to think about.

Okay that's all I've got. Love ya, see ya soon xx

[swampndn]

Lol y'all. In my attempt of actually doing shit to take care of me, I fucked up.

A trauma dear diary

So my two best friends have been telling me to get a massage for a long time, so last night, I impulse booked at 9am. I had therapy also today, so I figured it'd be a good idea to do both in the same day. Macrodose the self care. I even got an oil change too!

Anyway, the last massage I've ever gotten was 14 years ago, and given how much has happened in that time (and how hard I am on my physical body), I figured the 90-minute session over the 60 was warranted. This is big for me as I really got problems with people touching me in any kind of care way and lotion texture problems. We go over my medical history and current injuries. She is very thorough and very non-threatening.

Then we start. It's fine. It's all good. No problems. I surprisingly have no tension in my shoulders or neck, which surprised both of us.

But then y'all. She got to my hips, and hot fucking damn. She is shook, and she tells me that she doesn't remember the last time she experienced someone with the sheer amount of tension. She knows about my hypermobility disability, and she tells me that she's certain that is the only reason I'm still able to walk because there should be no way. So she is WORKIN' when all of a sudden, boom.

A very bad repressed memory comes back.

I've been in intensive trauma therapy for almost 2 years now for a number of things, but there was an incident in October that brought to light a confirmed series of events I had completely repressed. A whole ass thing.

Anyway, so today I get shot back to a memory. It's wild. Physical sensations, thoughts I was thinking at that exact moment in time, breathing, crystal clear vision like I'm literally there, and it's happening in real time. Honestly, the most clear memory recovery and flashback I have ever experienced, and there have been a few.

I come back to the table. I'm fine. I compartmentalize, knowing I'll deal with that in a few hours. We finish the massage, and I try to get up. Y'all, I'm disoriented. My vision is dim. I can barely move. I have to lean against the wall. I have no idea how long it took to get dressed, but it was a while as the therapist asked if I was okay. I was plenty hydrated before I got there. It was a physical experience I've never had. But I finally got my clothes on, and she gave me a treatment plan that seems very helpful and good. I pay then I leave.

I felt (and still feel) physically quite good. I've never noticed how my hips feel (mainly because my ankles and knees take all the focus), and I'm now hyper aware of them. I am fully stacked with back to back meetings until therapy, so I do them all. Again, feeling physically quite good.

Then I go to therapy. I tell my therapist, and she then goes, "We tell trauma patients to not get massages! Why didn't you talk to me about this first???"

She explains a lot of things like being triggered by certain physical touches etc., but her big thing was that there's a ton of research about how this specific type of intensive trauma I have LIVES IN THE HIPS. I was aware of that before, but since I never had problems with my hips, I didn't think it was applicable to me.

HA HA HA JOKES ON ME

I've since been googling about that, and uh oh. Now I understand her concern.

[fortunatelychaoticphantom]

Yeah, so I finished Breaking Dawn.

General:

Holly shit. Holly fucking shit. Holly Jesus fucking Christ holly fucking hell god damn shit. THIS BOOK IS AMAZING.

I am serious. I am not being ironic or trying to be cool or contradictory or nothing. This book is absolutely batshit insanely fucking good. THIS IS GOOD FUCKING FANTASY.

Look. I've read and watched plenty of reevaluations of the series in the past couple of years, and I think we all know by now that it is far from perfect and there's a lot to criticize, but that the criticism and cultural uproar at the time was just pure misogyny and hatred to anything that girls like (a day will come when we talk about Justin Bieber and how the entire world decided its number one enemy was a 13 year old boy who wanted to be a pop singer and was beloved by 13 year old girls but it is not this day), and that Meyer is actually a very good world builder. This reread really solidified this for me, but even more so then before. I really do believe she is a good writer. NOT GREAT, but good. Until Breaking Dawn.

I am not joking when I tell you that this is one of the most incredible books I have ever read in my life. It is leaps and bounds better then any other book in the series. I think the other books are fine and enjoyable, they definitely don't hold the same charm over me as they did when I was 16, but they are absolutely entertaining and even truly touching (New Moon specifically). But this... this is just a different league altogether. This book is mature, and brutal, and aggressive, and disgusting, and horrifying, and reached fucked up territories that few writers dare to explore and I absolutely admire Meyer for this.

Part One - Bella:

It's a pretty short section of the book so there's not much to say about. It's sweet and fun but nothing much more.

Horny Bella is the best Bella. Get some girl.

Part two - Jacob:

Anyway, this right here is what brilliance is made of. I need to find a way to articulate it properly. It's the first time I have ever been so acutely aware of the narrator because the entire narration is in first person and so all the sections that are supposedly general descriptions are an active thought of Jacob that in almost every single moment are being experienced not just by me but by his pack(s) and by Edward and are commented on in the story. I don't even know how to explain just what an unbelievably wonderfully complexly imaginatively fucked up this is. Just. Amazing.

LEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I'm okay I swear. But seriously. Leah's story is amazing as is, but it's the room Meyer gives her to be both filled with sorrow and with just pure spiteful rage. I love that she is not perfect, she is not currently nice, because she can't be nice, but a day will come when she might be better, be in a better place, and that's okay because we understand her. I just love her so much.

Speaking of which, I love the new bond between Rosalie and Bella but I also love that it's not entirely a good things? Like, there is a very clearly stated undertone that Rose cares more about the fetus than she does about Bella, and I just respect that? She isn't just magically sweet and kind, it's twisted and complicated and good storytelling (I forgot to mention in the Eclipse post Rosalie's backstory, but obviously that's also amazing).

Seth is also the most wonderful and pure cinnamon role in history and I will die for him.

6. this:

Leah: Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby. Jacob: Oh his head, apparently. Leah: He used to gnaw on the crib bars, too. Jacob: Lead paint? Leah: Looks like it.

7. This section is just so fucking brutal. The physical toll of carrying the baby for Bella, Edward's agony, Jacob's suffering, Leah's everything, the coming attack from the wolves, the birth... Immaculate.

Part three - Bella:

If there was one Mary Sue I would stan, it was Bella. You're doing amazing sweetie!! You go and be an awesome newborn. We believe in you!!!

All the vampire descriptions are just so fucking good. The whole distractability, the way the new senses literally overwhelm you. I love it all.

You know what? I really don't mind the imprinting. Meyer goes to great lengths to say that it's in no way romantic. It's not the Greatest Thing, but, I mean, I'm reading a fantasy book... my suspension is very much suspending...

Jacob's being an ass again, only caring about what he wants, but it's only for like two chapters so it's fine.

I can't help but love the congregation of vampires, it's just so fun and interesting, and even though we spend so little time with them they are all so distinct.

It's a great showdown. I love it way more then I did the first time. I am still fond of the What-The-Fuck-They-Are-All-Dying???? scene from the movie, but it's intense even without it.

and this:

Garrett: If we live through this, I`ll follow you anywhere, woman. Kate: Now he tells me.

Good job all around. Now I need to go buy Midnight Sun.

[variousbones]

If I could eat healthier and exercise more, I fucking would

An autistic rant about health/wellness advice

I am so sick and fucking tired of these health experts telling me to just exercise and eat healthier. I know. I am aware. Don’t you think that if it was accessible to me that I would fucking do it? I am not the poor ignorant lamb desperately in need of a wise shepherd to lead me to greener, safer pastures. I know Americans are eating ourselves to death. I know the food I eat is processed. I know I don’t exercise enough. I fucking know.

In fact I know all about macro and micro nutrients and what a balanced meal looks like and complete proteins versus incomplete and the important of eating organic because it has the most nutrients and on and on and on.

And I know that movement is essential to live. I even know multiple different ways to structure workouts for different outcomes. Muscle gain, cardio training, targeting specific muscle groups, warm ups and cool downs. I know ways to incorporate movement into my day that aren’t just going to the gym. I know there are all kinds of classes for every kind of workout or activity I can imagine. I know all of it.

My problem is not ignorance and I’m so fucking sick of so much of the current popular health rhetoric acting like we’re all just too stupid to understand. Yes, information suppression about food and exercise is a huge problem.

And also.

Can we stop acting like these are individual choices?

I cannot Girlboss my way out of this shit.

I have sensory issues, dietary restrictions, specific textural and taste needs, a highly dopamine-driven brain, and poor executive functioning without medication or other extreme intervention.

I cannot simply just start eating grilled chicken salads and chia pudding. I eat what I eat because it’s accessible to me. Because I can get it down my throat without gagging or crying. Because it’s the only consistently appetizing thing. Because it’s safe and predictable.

I’m tired of this nihilistic, individualist ass approach. I’m tired of every health expert telling me that I’m killing myself with what I eat. I might as well just beat them to the punch and off myself now because apparently non-dairy milk is too processed too but I’m fucking lactose intolerant and cannot stand the taste/smell of dairy.

Like what is the fucking point of living if the only way that’s successful for me right now with my disabilities is apparently super evil and bad? What is the fucking point of trying if most of the “good foods” are repulsive to me?

We are in eating disorder territory.

I am so tired of this black and white all or nothing rhetoric. You know what’s worse than eating processed food? Not eating at all! Or eating very little and then purging because of the guilt you feel about the horrible evil bad food you DID manage to choke down!

I know most of these books and workshops and Ted talks aren’t written with disability in mind and you’re supposed to take the information with a grain of salt but 1) autistic black and white thinking makes that extremely hard to do in practice 2) the language used plus adhd rejection sensitive dysphoria makes it so I feel like I’M wrong and bad and evil for living like this and 3) it’s just so tiring to never be considered in health spaces and for all these gurus to make broad sweeping statements that isolate and shame disabled people

Just like every other part of the disabled experience I have just about fucking had it with people telling me things, assuming I’m not disabled or assuming that I can automatically filter it through my disability brain to understand how it applies to me. Give me information for better health that is accessible to me!!! Without shaming me for things I cannot fucking control because I have all these developmental disorders!!! And OBVIOUSLY this is exponentially more difficult for people with chronic physical illnesses and higher support needs who have even more restrictions than me. If you have a feeding tube, I really doubt that grass-fed free range meat is accessible for you. There’s just a certain point where constant “awareness” about an issue just becomes harmful because I can do fuck all about it. Yes I have a certain amount of agency and power but girl it’s a disability for a reason and I can’t just personal choice feminism my way out of it. Every time I see this health stuff I’m reminded of my limitations and how egregiously unhealthy I am and how I’m gonna end up in an early grave and all this and that and how I just have to CHOOSE to live healthier. As if I have all that many choices here. I am already grabbing life by the horns but this metaphorical bull wants me dead.