#Disordered self-restraint girl

[pan-de-torao]

Tomorrow, everything continues as usual

Smiling and forgiving

✨ Top 31 Favorite Vocaloid songs ✨

#13. Disordered Self-restraint Girl - Otetsu-P

[ivystorm1]

Human zoo of hell/jigokugata ningen doubutsuen designs from the old website

(internet archive link)

The website went down in 2016 and while it's on internet archive it was a bit of a hassle to find. I've always really liked these designs so hopefully this is a bit more accessible

(side note - i have been trying to hunt down an eng sub of the brain fluid explosion girl movie (2015) but i have no clue if this exists. any info on this would be much appreciated!)

[reaper-the-jellyfish]

Disordered Self-Restraint Girl!

I should draw more characters from lesser-known vocaloid songs

Also fun fact the main character’s eyes are never shown in the music video, only her mouth is shown on her face, but I decided to do the opposite because I suck at drawing mouths.

[bughugz]

DNI minors, zoos, pedos, transphobes, homophobes, racists, eating disorder blogs, self harm blogs, cishet men, 'men dni' blogs, ableists, blank and ageless accounts there's probably more if any of these things are you or you give off a not good vibe or whatever i'll block you

hiiiii you can call me bug, bun, or wyrm! it doesn't much matter to me which of these you use for me i'm a 20 year old 2spirit gnc trans man i only use he/it pronouns (on t!) please perceive as like effeminate boyish and creaturelike with some sprinkling of cultural and spiritual context to confuse the masses i'm also neurodivergent and chronically ill please be patient with me and maybe use tone tags

i am in a very monogamous relationship with my owner @bugfuckz who i love to post about ! i am vry queer and t4t and you'll find me posting about attraction to all genders though !

dms and asks are open i love interacting with y'all always down for friendly chats but not interested in flirting or anything sexual in dms unless you intend to pay me! consent is valued i will not tolerate disrespect or unsolicited pics

i'm basically a subby bottom bitch boy the vast majority of the time who is occasionally feral and sadistic and will dom bottom if i feel like it i find more power in being the one receiving sooo yeah enjoy

kinks & limits + terminology and petnames + some stuff to get to know me outside of kink below cut:

key to my heart as a sub is petplay (mostly bunny sometimes puppy) but here is a way too long list of other things i like and may also post about in no particular order:

intox (420!)

cnc (uncensored use of the word rape)

overstimulation / edging

bondage / restraints

praise / degradation (not of looks)

crying

sadomasochist

dumbification

manhandling

impact play

spanking

breeding (not pregnancy)

biting / scratching

marking / bruising

free use / public play / anonymous sex etc

group sex / gangbangs / spit roasting etc

objectification !!!!

limits ie things i won't be posting about or engaging in for my safety and comfort but to each their own

abdl / ddlg / other variants

scat

beastiality

vomit

race play

oviposition/eggs

etc

if you're curious to know more of my thoughts on something that is or is not here send me an ask or dm!!!

terminology and names for me include:

chest, tits, t/dick, cunt, hole (bunny, puppy, or boy prefixes are fine ie puppycunt, boytits, bunny hole)

bunny, puppy, mutt, bitch, angel, baby, good boy, love, slut, whore, (fuck)toy, pretty boy, sweetheart etc

i also like masc compliments and being called pretty! i honestly just i love most pet names i do not like little one, the word girl, or princess !!!

get to know me outside of kink:

i'm an herbalist and i love plants and ethnobotany especially

i'm in college slowly working towards an environmental science degree

i love bugs and crystals and anything miniature

i like cozy games and fashion and books

i'm a fiber artist and like to experiment with lots of different mediums and styles

i like to roller skate badly

exploring in nature is one of my favorite pastimes whether it's tide pooling or admiring all the little things in a small stretch of forest

this is 100% a horny blog and i will be spamming my silly horny and sometimes non horny thoughts so often that you might hate me not great with words mostly rambling. but please don't hesitate to try and befriend and get to know me and ask me about any of this stuff i like dms just so long as you're respectful i do have social anxiety so i may not dm first!

pics of me are tagged #wormy pics

audios of me are tagged #wormy audios

original text nsfw and sfw is all mostly lumped into #bun ramblings

asks are #wormyasks

anons: 🌸, 🦊, 👾,🪼,💀

[yippie-madness]

live blogging my mental deterioration to like 190 (holy shit) people

harm reduction blog: @selfharm-harmreduction , first aid info (cuts), info on infections, diagram of safer sh locations, eating disorder harm reduction (all info by and for self harmers/people with eating disorders).

dm or send me an ask if you have harm reduction, first aid, etc. questions!!!

MINORS DNI/18+ BLOGS FUCK OFF! RAD QUEERS FUCK OFF! RECOVERY PUSHERS FUCK OFF!

before sending an ask or if were moots, check my please tag (at end)

Cvts, they/them, minor, probably got some schizospec thing going on idk man. i make one good post every few months

Janet, no pronouns (just use janets name), me but a 11/12yrs old and sorta cis and a girl blogger (ew) and very not coping with the trauma things and the worst.

(janet has a side blog but sometimes janet just does whatever janet wants so you might see janets weirdo girl blogger anablr bonespo and deathspo posts here occasionally)

been self harming long as i can remember, cutting ~5 years. i lovveee beans

on and off ed/disorderd eating since i was 11, mostly restricting and binging.

no psych diagnoses i actually agree/care about. i just say im Mad

i have paranoia, delusions, sometimes hallucinations (maybe??), mood swings (like so depressed i cant move to on top of the world within like an hour), panic attacks, binge eating + res (god knew id be too powerful if i could purge), first suicide attempt at like 8/9 years old, uhh idk things. im autistic too

super scary important warning!! /sarc you are on mental illness blr. i act like a mentally ill person idk apparently i gotta say that. i dont want your advice!! sometimes i talk to myself/a voice or the divine in posts, etc., ignore it!! i still dont want your advice!!! (exception for mooties just be normal but were moots so i trust your not a dick)

I love love love horror movies, especially the rocky horror picture show. ahh. i also like 70/80s punk, my favourite band is x-ray spex. i also like the rezillos, the adverts, nirvana, buzzcocks, manic street preachers

self harm is my main special interest, if i don't kill myself, plan b is to research self harm and especially harm reduction and its relation to self harm.

i love harm reduction so much omg my beloved. except im bad at it for myself haha. if you got questions dm me/send an ask/send my other blog @selfharm-harmreduction an ask. peer pressuring every one who reads this to slap a plaster on it or clean your blades/tools OR both!! wow! i should start taking my own advice! /j. and for the love of my religious delusions STOP PUTTING RUBBING ALCOHOL OR HYDROGEN PEROXIDE ON UR WOUNDS!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!,

i am anti psych, pro bodily autonomy. i am also anti capitalist

moots, please tag: psych wards (#tw psych ward), restraints (#tw restraints), forced treatment (#tw forced treatment), unreality (#tw unreality), sexual stuff (#nsft/#nsfw, #suggestive)

do not try and give me advice (unless i ask) or reality check me. i will block you and then cry for an hour. you might even get lucky and ill live blog my multi day freak out about it (this has happened before).

i tag: ed stuff (#tw ed), sh photos (#tw sh), religious imagery (#religious imagery), sa and rape (#tw sa, tw rape), trafficking (#tw trafficking), images of guns (#tw gun), car crashes (#tw car crash), sexual stuff (#nsft/#nsfw, #suggestive)

ask if you would like me to tag anything else

[ennead-of-whump]

Psych Whump Masterlist

💉💉💉

This is going to be my go-to list every time I find something with medical or psych whump in it that I want to remember. I'll reblog it frequently and try to keep it updated but it's going to start small because good psych whump is so hard to find. (This in no way endorses medical abuse, I'm a mentally ill individual but I love consuming psych whump in media. Just about everything in these movies, books, etc are at the very least morally gray so consume at your own risk. Also, I only enjoy these things in fiction. Irl it makes me sick to my stomach, I know bc I've experienced some of this.) I'll try to add trigger warnings for each one but I might miss some so I apologize in advance. If you have any recommendations please message me! I'm scouring the internet for good psych whump but medical/sickfic whump is also wanted.

Movies:

A Cure For Wellness: Guy gets tricked into becoming a patient at a "resort" that's really a mental hospital in disguise that uses its patients for nefarious means. CW: incest, medical abuse, teeth falling out, sexual assault, some weird eel shit ^^There's probably more but I haven't watched the film in a while.

TV Shows:

Moon Knight: Whole season of psych whump, the main character has DID and loads of past trauma. Has a huge ancient Egypt theme and the MC gets (kind of) forced to accept psychiatric care. CW: lots of ableism, mental break, psychotic episodes, forced institutionalisation, child abuse, restraints

Books:

House of Leaves: This book is a fever trip but the MC (kind of?? The book has multiple authors, it's honestly very confusing but it's great) suffers from declining mental health and spirals hard. CW: child abuse, lots of sexual content, mentions of a caretaker beating a child, mentions/delusions of sexual assault, death of a dog (it was brutal, huge warning), mentions/descriptions of suicide and attempted murder

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: This is chock-full of psych and medical whump, it all takes place in a psychiatric hospital (I've actually been to the one in the film! -Not as a patient) CW: huge amounts of abuse from staff, doctors, nurses, there's also a scene where SA is implied on a patient, the MC is there after being convicted of SA'ing a minor and he's pretty unremorseful (the MC is a dick though anyways), racism, ableism

OG Works (not mine):

Redwood Psychiatric Insitute: Forced institutionalization, great read and it has just about every trope I look for in fics all packed into one series. Please give it a read, it's fantastic. Source - https://www.tumblr.com/only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are/706656298337435648/redwood-psychiatric-institute-masterlist?source=share by @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are

Fanfiction:

Into Your Arms: This is a Star Trek fanfic that follows a girl who has a severe eating disorder and mental illness. It's not the normal kind of sickfic or psych whump I go for but the aftercare in this is topnotch. Source - https://archiveofourown.org/works/15185897 by moose-misses-sweets on ao3 CW: suicide attempt, severe eating disorder, abusive partner, cutting/self harm

Note: If something you made is on this list and you want me to remove it, please message me and I will. I don't check messages very often but it doesn't mean I'm ignoring you, I just forget I have a tumblr sometimes.)

This has now been moved to @caspers-delusions which is my main blog. I'll be updating the post from there

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

Hunger makes me

To desire effort from a man, we are taught, is to transgress in several ways. (This is true even if you’ve never had or wanted a romantic relationship with a man.) First, it means acknowledging that there are things you want beyond what he’s already provided — a blow to his self-concept. This is called “expecting him to read your mind,” and we’re often scolded for it; better, we learn, to pretend that whatever he’s willing to give us is what we were after anyway.

Second, and greater, it means acknowledging that there are things you want. For a woman who has learned to make herself physically and emotionally small, to live literally and figuratively on scraps, admitting that you have an appetite is a source of cavernous fear. Women are often on a diet of the body, but we are always on a diet of the heart.

The low-maintenance woman, the ideal woman, has no appetite. This is not to say that she refuses food, sex, romance, emotional effort; to refuse is petulant, which is ironically more demanding. The woman without appetite politely finishes what’s on her plate, and declines seconds. She is satisfied and satisfiable.

The secret to satiation, to satisfaction, was not to meet or even acknowledge your needs, but to curtail them. We learn the same lesson about our emotional hunger: Want less, and you will always have enough.

A man’s appetite can be hearty, but a woman with an appetite is always voracious: her hunger always overreaches, because it is not supposed to exist. If she wants food, she is a glutton. If she wants sex, she is a slut. If she wants emotional care-taking, she is a high-maintenance bitch or, worse, an “attention whore”: an amalgam of sex-hunger and care-hunger, greedy not only to be fucked and paid but, most unforgivably of all, to be noticed. […]

The attention whore is every low-maintenance woman’s dark mirror: the void of hunger we fear is hiding beneath our calculated restraint. It doesn’t take much to be considered an attention whore; any manifestation of that deeply natural need to be noticed and attended to is enough. You don’t have to be secretly needy to worry. You just have to be secretly human. […]

When I said “I don’t like romance,” it was the equivalent of a dieter insisting she just doesn’t want dessert. I did want it—I just thought I wasn’t allowed.

People frequently claim that eating disorders, like anything common to adolescent girls, are just “a cry for attention.” As someone who was once an adolescent girl, I suspect they are at least partially the opposite: a cry against hunger and need, an attempt to kick away that profoundly human desire to be paid mind. To shut the door on the void.

Fearing hunger, fearing the loss of control that tips hunger into voraciousness, means fearing asking for anything: nourishment, attention, kindness, consideration, respect. Love, of course, and the manifestations of love. It means being so unwilling to seem “high-maintenance” that we pretend we do not need to be maintained. And eventually, it means losing the ability to recognize what it takes to maintain a self, a heart, a life. […]

Women talk ourselves into needing less, because we’re not supposed to want more—or because we know we won’t get more, and we don’t want to feel unsatisfied. We reduce our needs for food, for space, for respect, for help, for love and affection, for being noticed, according to what we think we’re allowed to have. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we can live without it, even that we don’t want it. But it’s not that we don’t want more. It’s that we don’t want to be seen asking for it. And when it comes to romance, women always, always need to ask.

There’s a YouTube video I’m fond of that shows a baby named Madison being given cake for the first time. The maniacal shine in her eyes when she first tastes chocolate icing is transcendent, a combination of “where has this been all my life” and “how dare you keep this from me?” Jaw still dropped in shock, she slowly tips the cake up towards her face and plunges in mouth-first. Periodically, as she comes up for air, she shoots the camera a look that is almost anguished. Can you believe this exists? her face says. Why can’t I get it all in my mouth at once?

This video makes me laugh uproariously, but it’s that throat-full-of-needles laugh that, on a more hormonal day, might be a sob. The raw, unashamed carnality of this baby going to town on a cake is like a glimpse into a better, hungrier world. This may be one of the last times Madison is allowed to express that kind of appetite, that kind of greed. She’s still young enough for it to be cute.

This is Madison’s first birthday. By the time she’s 10, there’s an 80 percent chance she’ll have been on a diet. By high school, she’s likely to have shied away from expressing public opinions; she’ll speak up less in class, bite back objections and frustrations, shrug more, stay silent, look at the ground. She’ll worry about seeming “good”—which means not too pushy, not too demanding, not too loud. (Only bitches want better. Only sluts want more.) Boys will treat her shoddily, and she will find ways to shrink herself into the cracks they leave for her. She will learn to assert less, to demand less, to desire less. She won’t grab for anything with both hands; she won’t tip anything towards her face and plunge in. And that transcendent anguish, that stark gluttony … well, at least we’ll have it caught on video.

What would it take to feel safe being voracious? What would it take to realize that your desires are not monstrous, but human?

Imagine being Madison, grown up but undimmed. Imagine being the woman who is unabashed about needing food to survive and pleasure to be fulfilled and care to be happy. Imagine prying open the Pandora’s box where you hide your voraciousness, and letting it consume indiscriminately, and realizing that the world is not destroyed. Imagine saddling up the seven-headed beast of your hunger and riding it to Babylon.

[weather-cluddy]

My Mikoto playlist, for all your waiting for Double needs.

A Sleepwalker On This Mortal Shore/A Sleepwalker Gazing on Nirvana, by Hello Tanita-san/Tatsuya Kitani. (Self-cover)

Fun fact, the animation for this one was made by Mana Inoue, same person who did the PV for Weakness, How To Be in Love With You and Bring it On! You can definitely see the similarities with the first two, with the use of photographs 'glued' to 2D drawings. This one pushes the body horror a fair bit further, though. Be prepared for writhing brains made of realistic human fingers and such. (Also, the vocaloid version's CC subs has a mistake at 2:23)

OP by Hachiya Nanashi

Flight Instinct by Last Note

Run! by Polysics

Opening from Cells at Work Black, in which your average overworked salaryman's body is depicted as a 'black company' in miniature where their cells must struggle not so much to fix things as to just postpone the inevitable for another day, growing increasingly desperate and despondent all the while. IIRC, things got bad enough that the English version of the last few manga volumes shipped with suicide hotline numbers in the back.

Somehow still the cheeriest song in here.

Disordered Self-restraint Girl by otetsu (Note: flashing lights)

There's Supposed to be a Cheat Code for Happiness by UtataP

Ceremony Day and Manhole by Polyphonic Branch

Walk Tall and Die by TadanoCo/4o

You might know this one from the Eve cover, which has more views than the original. I really enjoyed the lyrics, both individual lines and as a whole. It's quite nice how they go from harsh and frustrated to softer as the song goes on.

There Was No Savior by YASUHIRO (Translation)

Disqualified Town by Yonaka

Fun fact: I picked this song before Mikoto's T2 cover got announced, so the fact that MV shows Miku wearing a gas mask is 100% a coincidence.

On An Empty Morning by kemu (Utaite ver.) (Translation)

I really like this song because the tone changes a lot depending on your interpretation. Does the calm tune represent the singer at long last achieving peace after terrible pain, leading a life that's mundane and sometimes difficult but ultimately worthwhile? Or have they just sunk into apathy, emotionlessly sacrificing other people just to continue their empty lifestyle, having so little concept of happiness that they actually think they're fulfilled by this?

Both options are pretty interesting. And well, in the context of Mikoto's crime, "I take someone’s fleeting future and use it as a stepping stone" takes on a new meaning.

I Hear the Sound of Someone Else's Business by Ame no MurakumoP (Translation)

I linked to a fan PV that honestly deserves more attention (less than 30 views, seriously!?). The PV uses a lot of white and dark blue, but I don't think it switches fast enough to require a flashing lights warning? The official upload uses a still image, if it helps.

Synesthesia Ghost by Nekobolo/sasanomaly

La Mersonnalité by Misato Kurematsu

Don’t Carry Our Memories Away by rinri (EMA ver.) (Translation)

The EMA cover isn't official or anything, but it's my favorite version so I'm gonna link it too. The original does have the advantage of having Mikoto Meika singing it, though.

It's kind of interesting how different the illustrations for the original and the cover feel: in the original we see the boy smiling desperately wide as he faces towards the shore, like he's reassuring somebody watching. Meanwhile in the cover he looks indifferent or perhaps annoyed, but for the last chorus he turns around fully and splashes around as if inviting you to follow him.

Childhood by MushiP

The Good Child and the Fox by Kikou

Silver Warp by YUUKI MIYAKE/Napoli-P (Utaite ver.) (Translation)

I was going to write about how Ore would be the brother that gets caught when escaping and is implied to stab his parents, while Boku is the one that gets away... and then I noticed the funerary portrait at the end. Just pretend it isn't there, I guess Or take it metaphorically.

The Full-Throttle Abscondence. by Pekoro

Delusion Girl by Touyu

This playlist is mostly based on Boku, but I see this song as being about both alters. The whole "crushing despair of normalcy" part being obviously Boku, and the desire to save somebody to justify your own existence being Ore. I think that if Fuuta were a bit older this song would fit him pretty well too.

Hide and Seek -reprise- by BuzzG (Translation)

Magician In Love by Koyori

Imposter Advisory by 150p (Utaite ver.) (Alternate translation) (Note: flashing lights)

Perfect Crime Love Letter by 150p (Utaite ver. + alternate translation) (Note: flashing lights)

Red is Scary by Iyowa (Translation)

Cyber Thunder Cider by EZFG

It Takes 3 Minutes to Listen to a 3 Minute Song by Owata-P

There's No One Who's Bad at Art by Suttaka

Love, Me Normally by Will Wood (Lyrics)

Dense Forest of Morals by OPA (Translation)

I'm Controversial by Ado (Note: flashing lights)

Fraulein=Biblioteca by nyanyannya

I'm imagining this one being sung by Es, or at least Mikoto's impression of Es (kind of like the shadow Es from Backdraft). I think in a way it fits all the guilty prisoners, but the lines about sleep talk and "I'll make you remember your sins" make it even better for Mikoto especifically.

No.4 THE EMPEROR by Owata-P (Translation)

I Can't (Mar)read the Situation by CosMo

This one is more of a "How Mikoto views the world" song than one strictly about Mikoto. Don't neglect your social skills in favor of your true self or you will be doomed to a life of envy, regret and isolation. Also the Earth will explode. Truly a sobering reminder.

A Lethargic Coup d'état by Last Note

The Taste of Cockroach by Maretu

Most people would probably think of this one as a Fuuta or Muu song, and I do agree (more Muu than Fuuta imo). But honestly, while Mikoto would never start a bullying campaign, I can totally see him as a bystander, the kind of person who insist that everyone should just talk it out and then everything will be fine. Of course, we still don't know what caused his murder, only that apparently being kidnapped was an improvement. So you could also view him as the victim, which gives new meaning to those weird lines in the middle of the song that really don't sound like they're from the same person as the rest...

But mostly, I added this song for the "shadows lurking under the light/denial" angle, which is theme for the last section of the playlist. I don't really know enough about music to sort it by genre/sound similarities, so I organized it by themes! Or at least I tried to put similar songs together so they'd "flow" into each other.

Everything is an Illusion by Pongini (Translation in the replies of the pinned comment)

I Look Up as I Deliver by POLYSICS (Alternate translation)

The ending for Cells at Work Black. Fun fact, this song's name is most likely based on I Look Up as I Walk AKA Sukiyaki.

[gryfflepuffinthetardis]

Zoe Noble-Valdez 2005-2006 Season One Bio

Full name: Xiomara Alexandra "Zoe" Noble-Valdez

IQ: Unmeasured but extraordinarily high; presumed to be from at least 190 at lowest but can be estimated 225 to 300 or higher. (Not public knowledge)

Appearance: Fair olive complexion; Wavy dark brown nearly black hair with light green and purple dyed streaks, Dark brown/amber-ish eyes, Five foot Three

Personality: Compassionate, Intelligent, Quiet, Observant, Sarcastic, Empathetic, Open-Minded, Accepting, Hyper, Curious, Creative, Hides pain, Fakes apathy, Thinks outside the box, Mischievous, Fierce, Sneaky, Lazy, Impulsive, Doesn't think things through, Snarky, Sassy, Mocking, Fakes evilness, Brutal, Violent, Protective, Acerbic, Eccedentesiast, Self-loathing,  Overprotective, Humble, Traumatized, Guilt-ridden, Hot and cold, Perceptive, Intuitive, Hard-working, Forgiving yet merciless, Paradoxical, Strong-Willed, Jaded, Smart-Mouthed

Personality Notes:

Zoe's personality and work behavior is blend of her mentors plus her own, primarily the eccentric Alexander Noble, the studious and highly intelligent Zelena Valdez, the gentle and quiet Jason Gideon, the emotionally closed off, driven, and brutal David Rossi, and the near sociopathic and violent Maze Valdez.

She can be a bit manipulative in her pursuits of getting the outcomes she wants which she learned from Gideon

Because of her ADHD, she can be oblivious to the feelings of others sometimes but makes a conscious effort to keep them in mind

Zoe's way of dealing with events are complicated, she has a lot of trauma for a nineteen-year-old girl and one of her ways of protecting herself is mentally blocking the memories so she's missing time. The first time was five days when she was twelve. And she's missing a lot of memories of those eight months when she was fifteen and missing some memories during the six months when she was seventeen to eighteen.

Zoe is and appears to be impulsive but this does not mean she does not have a plan in motion, she's just constantly forming possible plans and calcualting possible outcomes in her head.

Due to her neurodivergence, Zoe relates to the UnSubs, she rarely sees them as monsters, she remains open-minded and sees possibilties of good and bad in people. She doesn't see things in black and white but in color.

Tendencies: Mania, Depressive episodes, Being an overachiever to distract herself from her guilt; Recklessness to the point of concern for suicidal behavior; Apathetic facade

Personality Type: INFP (Her anger comes from a defense mechanism that she uses to push people away to keep her from getting hurt again and her combination of disorders

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

Abilities: Bilingual (Fluent in English, Spanish, Italian, and Japanese; not fluent but well-versed in multiple other languages; She can speak most languages but she can’t read them.)

Self-Defense/Martial Arts (Most kinds; Karate, Kick-boxing, Jiu-Jitsu, Kung fu, Tai-Chi, Qigong, , Krav Maga, Fencing, Jeet Kune Do, Jun Fan Gung Fu, Wing Chun, Arnis, Judo, Savate, Taekwondo, Tai Chi, Catch Wrestling, Street fighting, Hapkido, Aikido, Northern Shaolin, Wrestling, Ninjustsu, Military Combatives, Capoeira, Close Quarter Combat/CQC, Systema, Muay Thai, Eskrima, Savate, Bokator, etcetera.

Favors Mixed Martial Arts and Hybrid Martial Arts due to unpredictability. She does have her favorite that she uses to mix into hybrids either from the style or the philosophy, Krav Maga (Aggressiveness, fighting-spirit, situational awareness, , Judo (Gentle, kindness, balance, timing, strategy, tactics), Taekwondo (Demands sacrifices, self restraint, kindness, forgiveness and a love of one's fellow human beings; Self-control, courage, courtesy, respect, perseverance, patience, humility, thoughtfulness, boldness, trustworthiness, loyalty, integrity, an indomitable spirit, a sense of responsibility to help and respect all forms of life, goodness), Shaolin (Kindness, Compassion, patience, discipline, self-awareness, loyalty, trust, perseverance, patience, self-control, benevolence, discipline, mindfulness, acceptance.), Eskirma (see below), Savate, etcetera  

Also favors Eskrima (A form of weapon-based fighting, using various improvised weapons) (Possibly value creativity and imagination), Bokator (Characterized by hand to hand combat along with heavy use of weapons, using a diverse array of elbow and knee strikes, shin kicks, submissions, and ground fighting. Some of the weapons used in bokator include the bamboo staff, short sticks, a sword, and a lotus stick.), Savate (A French kickboxing combat sport that uses the hands and feet as weapons  combining elements of English boxing with graceful kicking techniques, despite its grave and beauty its an effective method of self-defense; Possibly value technique, Endurance, Strength, Grace)

Weapon Proficiency (Archery, Knife Combat, Gunfighting, Swordsmanship, Stick-fighting, etc)

Gymnastics

High intelligence (estimated to be in the 200’s; Claims she never took an IQ test; if she did only very few people know the score)

Detective brain (Sherlock Scan, look on TVtropes.org under real life, people with ADHD or ADD develop this way of thinking to compensate for our short attention spans, and we can use it to figure out what we've missed after zoning out, whether, at school or work or conversations. This can likely bleed into other aspects of our lives, resulting in people who can connect things together and figure things out before the average neurotypical person, unfortunately due to our tendency to be oblivious/distracted/unfocused, this will also make us miss things that are completely obvious to other people)

Exceptional Memory — Zoe has an exceptional memory, even being able to remember being in the womb at times and it was once thought she had Hyperthymesia however her ADHD made it unable to determine if this was actually true. It was also unable to determine whether she had a photographic or eidetic memory as she claims to be able to see images from her past at times but can also quite recall small details. Due to her ADHD, moments where she just wasn’t paying attention fall flat to her memory but she does however excel in remembering scenes in which she was hyper focusing, auditory memory, and is speculated to have an emotional photographic memory. Zoe also has psychological blocks in her memories that cause her to be unable to remember a lot of her trauma and she is unwilling to remember unless absolutely necessary.

Auditory memory (Like Spencer’s eidetic memory but with hearing information rather than seeing or reading them; but again her ADHD may impair this)

Emotional Photographic Memory — Zoe does not remember those five days in 1998 she was kidnapped but she does remember vividly remember the strong emotions she felt and refuses to remember them. Her memory of her missing eight months when she was fifteen and parts of her six months when she was eighteen/nineteen is better and more vivid due to the maturity she had gone through and at times she is able to replay hidden memories if she follows the feeling in her head.

Degrees: Criminology, Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, Sociology, Biology, Forensics, Philosophy, Criminal Justice, Forensic Psychology, Forensic Science, Behavioral Science, Physical Science, Nursing, Counseling, Computer Science, Biology, Chemistry, Biochemistry, Physics, Toxicology, Pharmacology, Neuroscience, Neurobiology, Neurology

Items/Possessions: Various weapons; Various self-defense weapons, Various multiuse tools; Various tools; Revolver; Marine Turbine Technology Y2K motorcycle, Portable Med Kit Fanny Pack

Likes: Detective Works, Theatre, True Crime, Horror, Psychology, Philosophy, Rebelliousness, Children, Unsolved Mysteries, TV shows, Audiobooks, Horror movies, Horror books, Stephen King, Being a mystery, Profiling people, Theories, Serial Killers, Hacking, People underestimating her, Chaos, Causing chaos, Justice

Dislikes: Sports (so no Redskins), Conflict, Rivalry (so she doesn't participate in rivalry against Spencer Reid), Being told what to do, Feeling inferior, Sexism, Discrimination of any kind especially sexism and mentalism (discrimination of mental illnesses), Being forced to act like an adult, Adults, Abuse, Emotions, Letting people in, Math, Skepticism, Responsibility, People profiling her, Emotions, Confronting emotions, Classical music, Boston!!!!

Favorite Films: Heathers; Beetlejuice; Clue; Addams Family; The Addams Family Values; Psycho; Halloween: The Shining: Alien Series: Back to the Future Trilogy, Star Wars franchise, American Psycho, Hocus Pocus. Men in Black movies; Doctor Doolittle, Ghostbusters movies, Gremlins movies, Home Alone Diptych, Ace Ventura movies, The Mask, Ten Things I Hate About You, The Breakfast Club, Goonies, The Outsiders, Jumanji, Scream Franchise, The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari, The Thing, The Blob

Favorite TV Shows: Doctor Who, Malcolm in the Middle, Takin' Over the Asylum, Friends, Charmed, Doogie Howser

Favorite Authors: David Rossi, Stephen King, Edgar Allen Poe, Lewis Carroll, Oscar Wilde, Dante Alighieri, R.L. Stein, J.K. Rowling, Alfred Noyes

Favorite Books: Harry Potter series; A Wrinkle in Time; Matilda; Jane Eyre; The Book Thief; Girl, Interrupted; We Need to Talk About Kevin; The Giver; Good Omens

Favorite Characters (She looked up to them as a child and left imprints on her personality): Sherlock Holmes, Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Alice Kingsley (From Alice in Wonderland), Lucy Pevensie

Favorite Songs: Running Up That Hill, Poker Face, Killer Queen by Queen, Carry On my Wayward Son, Mad World, Numb, Blackbird

Theme Songs (Songs that the character relates to or sums up her character): Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush (1985); Numb by Linkin Park, Mad World by Tear For Fears (1982), ‘Til It Happens To You by Lady Gaga, True Colors by Cyndi Lauper (1986), Africa by Toto (1982), Brave by Moriah, One More Light by Linkin Park, Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas, Perfect by P!nk, Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift, Who's Afraid of Little Old Me by Taylor Swift

Disorders:

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder);

Cyclothymia (Rare mood disorder, essentially it’s a mild form of Bipolar but still difficult to live with, this may overlap into Bipolar II meaning Psychotic Depression/Mania or less conserversally Depression/Mania with Psychosis which can include: For Depression: Suicidal levels of depression, For mania, Suicidal Recklessness, Possibility of Bipolar Blackout)

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Survivor's Guilt

Non-Suicidal Self-Injury Disorder

Emotional Detachment or Dissociation (Lack of connection between thoughts, memory, and self of identity from three years prior)

Possible Disorders: High Functioning Borderline Personality Disorder (Without splitting meaning seeing things in extremes and some others I can’t quite recall right now)

Birthday: October 31, 1985

Age: Nineteen to twenty years old. 

Family: (Full name; Relation; Status if otherwise not alive and located; Portrayal)

Alexander Noble (Father; Born 1965) — David Tennant

Zarah Carina Noble-Valdez (Twin sister; Missing, Presumed Dead by most) — Selena Gomez

Zelena Lara Valdez (Mother; Deceased; Born 1963) — Melissa Fumero (I know she’s technically Cuban and Selena Gomez is half-Hispanic but they kind of look like each other, like they could be related)

Isobel Noble (Aunt; Lives in Scotland) — Karen Gillian

Multiple female cousins birthed by Isobel Noble — Zoe Colletti (Lucy from Only Murders in the Building); Sadie Sink (Max Mayfield from Stranger Things, Ziggy from Fear Street); Zoey Deutch

Cain Noble ("Paternal" Grandfather; Estranged) — Ray Wise

(Extended family on her mother's side; Work in Progress)

Mazikeen "Maze" Valdez (Maternal Second Cousin) — Lesley-Ann Brandt

Ciara Valdez (Aunt) — Aimee Garcia

Kalypso Valdez (Cousin; Incarcerated in Las Vegas at Bennington Sanitarium) — Diane Guerrero

Aliases/Nicknames:

Rebel Girl

Rebel

Wildcard

Loose Cannon

La Llorona (Literal Translation: Weeping Woman; Also popular figure in Mexican Folklore)

Santa Muerte (Saint of Death/Lady of Death)

Religion/Belief: Mexican Folk Catholicism-Neopaganism (Typical Day of the Dead/Santa Muerte/Afterlife/Guardians)

Wardrobe: Plaid, Flannel, Leather, Graphic

Jewelry: Evil eye; Various jewelry

Other features: Santa Muerte tattoo, Sugar Skull/Day of the Dead Skull tattoo with the name and characteristics of someone very important to her who has passed (she only tattoos the names of people she considers changed her life and wish to give her protection from the afterlife or even stay with her and watch over her)

Skull Tattoos Of:

Zelena Valdez (Died October 31, 1985)

Zarah Valdez the first (Died May 23, 1985)

Traditions: Day of the Dead, Keeping up ofrendas (Day of the Dead altars) all year long

Personal Traditions: Making Day of the Dead skulls with characteristics of someone's loved one who died and giving it to one to those who are grieving the loss of said dead loved one; Scrapbooks of those she saved and failed, Journals of detailed profiles

Relationships:

Alexander Noble — She has a close relationship with her father as both her mother and sister are now gone, he raised her and her sister by himself while becoming one of the FBI's most esteemed agents and he loves her with all his heart. He shows more emotion in this aspect than she does as she suffers from emotional detachment, dissociation, and lack of connection between thoughts, memory, and self of identity from four years prior. However, his enhanced emotions and his job caused him to be too paranoid to leave them with a sitter when he would leave so he brought them with him which exposed them to the reality of the worse of humanity and Zoe was even kidnapped when she was twelve.

Zarah Carina Noble-Valdez – Despite being total opposites, they had been close until they were kidnapped and put in different locations, to the point that they could sense each other's emotions and more importantly when something was wrong. However, Zoe had managed to escape and injure her captive while Zarah hadn't been seen in four years.

Zelena Lara Valdez — Zelena died while in labor with Zoe (Zarah had been born first on October 28, when an UnSub revealed to be acting as a nurse and Alexander was forced to take the newborn Zarah and flee while the UnSub kidnapped the still in-labor Zelena and by extension Zoe. Alexander found them three days later with Zelena near dead from an axe to the chest before she died in his arms, and they had to perform an emergency C-section on Zelena's corpse before Zoe died in the womb (within 24 to 36 hours).

Senior Special Agent Jason Gideon — Zoe has a fatherly/uncle-like relationship with Gideon as her parents helped open the BAU with him despite their younger age. She shows some traits she's picked up from him as the ability to remain calm in cases and under pressure and paying close attention (when her ADHD isn't acting up and distracting her) to her surrounding environment—visual or audible or otherwise though a lot of times she's not aware that she's noticed it. Like him she has difficulties letting go of the past and she cares deeply not only for her co-workers but for the victims of the cases she works but can seem insensitive at times. However, she isn't as soft-spoken as this more aptly described Zarah but Zoe can be seen as soft-spoken due to her mood swing-like personality. She isn't afraid to stand up for what she believes in, even when held at gunpoint. She also shows similarities as her only willing to share her true self to those she trusts with time and wanting to make a difference in the world by helping others. She also has a tendency to "teach" in situations, rather than do or explain though this could also be seen as another example of her rebelliousness and being closed off from others. Unlike Spencer, she has learned from Gideon on how to predict possible outcomes even in a simple chess game. However, her biggest difference from Gideon who sometimes worries about how the cases can affect him psychologically and emotionally, Zoe needs to be working on a case out of boredom and her guilt complex.

David Stephen Rossi (“Retired”🙄)— Zoe has a rather odd relationship with Rossi as opposed to her warm father/uncle type with Gideon. She has more of a sarcastic, banter relationship with Rossi that could be mistaken for contempt but Rossi sees Zoe as a daughter figure and Zoe even had a good relationship with all three of his ex-wives and she frequently makes fun that he's had three of them. They both grow restless if they're not solving possible. Zoe will mention that Rossi had grown bored of reading her and Zarah bedtime stories and talked about the cases to them which fascinated Zoe even at a young age. However, they clash in how they work, Rossi is quite by the book while Zoe would like to throw the book into a supernova because she disagrees with it and plays by her own rules. Rossi is more of a neat freak who color codes his notes while Zoe is messy and chaotic yet sees sense in her mess; she even messes with him with this. Rossi is more extroverted while Zoe keeps her emotions to her chest (however she wasn't always like that).

They are both very stubborn and more prone to brutal approaches than wasting time with being vauge. Zoe's intelligence surpasses Rossi while he is by no means dumb, this was clear by early as age three when she became better at crosswords than he was much to his irritation.

When you meet Rossi, it's clear that he is where Zoe had picked up her knack for pushing UnSub's buttons and her brutal undercutting their egos and her stabbing at their insecurities until they bleed. Despite Rossi being like a father to her, she is not unaware of his past negative traits, she knows his second wife's secret and cares very much for her. She is aware that it's not the right thing to do to never tell Rossi but knew Rossi's ambition in his early life would interfere and she didn't know if he would give it up.

Max Ryan (Retired) — Zoe isn't as close to Max Ryan as she is to Gideon or Rossi but they do have a bond due to her fascination with true crime.

Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner — She has a somewhat conflicted relationship with Hotch while they do get along and care and respect one another (not that she'd ever admit that) her tendency to rebel and disobey orders (though she usually does this because she genuinely believes it's for the greater good) doesn't match up with his dedication to duty and planning. However, Hotch does care deeply for Zoe, having known her since she was ten years old. She is possibly the only person who works almost as much as he does. Unlike him, she has a close relationship with her father but also knows her fair share of familial abuse which she would fight back or take for the good of others.

Derek Morgan — With him only being twelve years older than her, he has a kind of older brother relationship with her though neither would really care to admit this. They see a pain in one another that the other can relate to. They're both rather reckless and would give their lives to save others, though while Derek chooses flirtations and meaningless sex to cope with the pain of his past and what he does for a living, Zoe has shut down, her emotions hidden behind a wall even to her and fakes apathy, remaining usually antisocial and unimpressed with people flirting with her, traumatized by what was done to her in her childhood that she often feels that people who find her attractive only want something from her.

Doctor Spencer Reid — Zoe and Spencer get along really well as they are both very different from one another yet similar. Zoe is more of a pessimist than Spencer who prefers to be an optimist. They both have a darkness in their past that inspired them to pursue a job in the FBI, concerning mental health (Spencer's was his mother and Zoe's was her experiences from being a famous FBI agent's daughter). They both have a unique ability in this job and it's not their high intelligence but their uncanny ability to empathize with criminals and not see them as monsters but as people.

His intelligence is more for the traditional kind of way with books and reading while Zoe remembers things through either experiences or hearing. She's also more comfortable with technology than he is, implicitly being along the same skills as Penelope Garcia but she prefers doing field work.

They both take an empathetic approach with the UnSubs, trying to understand them better as humans rather than see them as monsters (though Zoe may occasionally do this). They're both open-minded, empathetic, deeply intelligent, and compassionate. 

Penelope Garcia — Zoe was indifferent to Garcia at first due to Garcia's vibrant, bubbly, outgoing personality, likely because it reminded Zoe of Zarah. But she does begin to care about her and warm up to her. However, it can be interpretative that she has some respect for her as Zoe never boasted about her own hacking skills which actually surpassed Garcia's, though she preferred to be in the field.

Jennifer "JJ" Jareau — Zoe is close to JJ as she is the closest woman to her age and they have a few things in common with their experience of a tragedy with a sister despite this they're both caring and look out for others around them and if it came down to helping a friend, they would both shoot someone in the head and not even blink.

Non-BAU Relationships:

Joy Montgomery — Zoe was only a year old when Hayden found out she was pregnant and told Alex and accidentally Zoe (who despite being one had the cognitive understanding of an eight year old) so Zoe is well aware of Joy’s existence and never told Rossi. Joy is like a litter sister to Zoe.

J.D. — J.D. is Zoe’s ex-boyfriend who she met in Paris when she was sixteen; he is a genius like her. He has a lot of qualities that happen to be like Spencer’s but this is irrelevant. J.D. likes to read, he’s a genius with an IQ of 185, he had a parent with a major disorder but there are also a lot of things that are different from Spencer, like he is a criminal and is locked up in a classified high-max prison. Zoe however doesn’t see him as a monster as most would with what he did, she still cares about him and they have a unique bond.

Emily Prentiss — Zoe knew Emily through her father as personal favorite agent of her mother's, Elizabeth Prentiss, American Ambassador, Zoe was six while Emily was twenty-one and in college. Zoe and Zarah impressed Emily with their intelligence, Zoe, particularly due to her exceptional memory and her ability to understand Emily's college-level courses, especially in Criminal Justice and Criminology as she showed to have a passion for it, though was also talented in science yet oddly struggled with math (as she claimed they hurt her head and she'd rather be tortured). Zoe worked with Emily sometimes while she was in Europe with her Aunt Maze while getting experience to be able to apply to BAU and Zoe is aware of Emily’s mission but has never told anyone.

Valdez Family — While she is a bit embarrassed by them due to their overprotectiveness and paranoia due to what happened to Zelena and Zoe’s former heart condition and most of them being involved with some form of law enforcement. She does love them deeply and maintains the Valdez family beliefs of never needing a man; being strong, wise, brave, and tricky; being fierce and unwilling to let any man break them; being a warrior; a woman (most Valdezes were women despite what geneticists say) who can strike fear in people (usually men) by just their smile; Refusing to let someone else fight for them and pick up the sword themselves; to be a force to be reckoned with. But she doesn’t really like for her friends to meet them due to their tendency for mostly unprovoked violence.

Inspirations: Alex Russo (Wizards on Waverly Place); Mabel Mora (Only Murders in the Building); Sherlock Holmes (BBC Sherlock), The Tenth Doctor, Buzzfeed Unsolved boys (The dynamic Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara—the team needs someone to make some sarcastic/sardonic humor in the darkness of this show), Chloe Decker (Lucifer), Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99), Amy Santiago (Brooklyn 99), Mazikeen/Maze (Lucifer)

Etymology:

Xiomara — Spanish — Battle Ready; Battle Famous, Horse Worthy, Most Beautiful Star in the Universe; Inner Beauty

Alexandra — Latin — Man's Defender, Defender of Man; Defender of People; Defender of Mankind; Man's Protector; Protector of Man; Protector of People; Protector of Mankind

Zoe — Greek — Life

Notes: Zoe and Zarah are not true identical twins, she and Zarah are mostly identical but if one were to do a thorough examination and know what they were looking for, they would find some minor differences between Zoe and Zarah. Zarah is slightly taller than Zoe with straighter hair while Zoe has more wavy/curly hair. Zarah is slightly tanner than Zoe while Zoe is more pale. Zarah has brown eyes while Zoe has an amberish hue to them.

Zoe and Zarah are technically “Irish Twins”, meaning they were born on separate days.

Zoe's IQ is while unmeasured (since the age of twelve, albeit unofficially and taken by force and again at sixteen) is higher than Zarah's who is estimated around 160 to 190.

Zoe had extended periods of her life where she has no memory of or have rewritten the memory of in her head, even with time blocking out her realization that she has missing time.

I’m not a genius on Bipolar because I don’t have it. My mom thought I had it when I was younger and I was tested and somehow we ended up at dyslexia which no one did anything about and I can only speculate what kind(s) it is. Anyway, Zoe might be all over the Bipolar chart or may not seem to have it, but I feel this could be realistic given the life that you’ll learn about and this may be explained that the doctors can’t give an accurate diagnosis of what specific Bipolar she has. But her cyclothymia is somewhat stable though she tends to have symptoms of the “psychotic” level of the highs and lows, such as suicidal behavior from either depression or “mania” or hallucinations or delusions, though these are under control and take for as either guides to guide her through her life if taken the form of someone she likes or as warning if in the form of an enemy.)

I’ve also considered disorders on the Schizophrenia spectrum, as I said, the true diagnosis is foggy due to her missing time, memories, refusal to share her thoughts or trauma, and the exact trauma inflicted upon her but I’ve been looking up some disorders that could explain her hallucinations. Schizoaffective is what I’m currently leaning for (it’s kind of like a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder), as stated above, PTSD or more likely, due to the continuous trauma, C-PTSD (complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I’ve settled on a combination of ADHD, PTSD, Cyclothymia and Borderline Personality Disorder

Zelena being attacked by an axe-murderer while pregnant with Zoe is inspired by New Orleans Axeman victim, known as Mrs. Ed Schneider who was allegedly attacked by the Axeman and she successfully gave birth but this baby's identity is unknown (One Reddit user claims the identity is Clara Schneider)

*I changed "PTSD" to "C-PTSD" because PTSD is more towards singular event and Zoe has so much more truama.*

If there are any inconsitencies or incomplete sentences as this was a work in progress for a year, please let me know.

*Edited October 1, 2024)

[vocaloid-song-of-the-day]

Disordered Self-Restraint GIrl by otetsu feat. GUMI

[vocaloidcurated]

Song title: Disordered Self-Restraint Girl

Producer: otetsu

Vocaloid: Gumi

Mood: sinister, repressed, theatrical

Why you should listen: how do you escape a self-inflicted hell? magic and (maybe) murder.

[radiotorn]

shoutout to disordered self restraint girl for being one if not the first vocaloid song i ever heard. i still love you

[darkmaidenwhispers]

Total frustration.

Nervous breakdown.

A weakened mind...

Unable to sleep.

GUMI - Disordered self-restraint girl.

This is the 8th song from the album Jigokugata ningen doubutsuen, a compilation concept album produced by relulili and it features songs of various producers.

Credits to Vervain Subs, Tosiaki and Kanden (both of them mentioned on Vervain Subs' credits) to translate it into English on YouTube.

***Disclaimer: I don't own anything from this content. All rights go to the niconico uploader/s***

[nekumeidraws]

I did Disordered Self-Restraint Girl by otetsu (again!) this year for this years @gumicollab !! Best wishes to the best bday girl ✨💚

[unheavenlycreatures]

Disordered Self Restraint Girl - Translyrics

yep im redoing this one too the last ones were bad 

anyways here’s Dark Marie Kondo tm

here’s the original song link

All day and everyday anxiety takes over me Whisper prideful things, convention A misfortune taking over me One afternoon One day in one place, I set my tune

No matter where I go it’s all jump how high Scanning like shit-for-brains till the end of time Standing on the cliff and then I’m diving down In my little pool of stress, I’m going to drown

My spinning brain Will ever slowly drive me insane

But one day inadvertently The TV held me captive Illusions like I’ve never seen Sorcery and magic tricks and Human bodies rent to bits Disappearing, transformation Thrilling both my eyes the very same

Showtime! Trapped in a cage I’ll throw away stability Erasing everything that doesn’t bring me happiness Everyone is watching now Their eyeballs dampen as they shout But I’ll make the marbles blind again

Whatever I’m doing Every choice is villainy I’ve always been held back by the people saying “No, you can’t!” Mentality My face is twisting like my personality

I try and ask you what feels bad to you? Everything here feels bad to you Why won’t you tell me what you want to do? You say “I don’t want to do anything!” I think it’s time I get a haircut, cut away split ends and grime

Frustration pooling closer It’s filling up the whole room I feel half asleep today Kind of like a sleeping pill The nervous breakdown falling ill Weakening and I can’t even sleep

Showtime! Trapped in a cage I’ll throw away stability Cutting away everyone that makes me feel unhappy Drooling, dancing wildly, I’m filled with crazy gaiety, Is this the heaven that I dreamed of? No, this is Hell.

Showtime! Even if the sword swallower were to take his blade And slice it through my neck, making it fly across the room Tomorrow, everything will just continue as per usual, We’ll smile and forgive again

Scarlet crescent moon, shining Down on tiny polka dots Sliding screen, broken again Like a web of cotton candy

Gathering and coming in and filling my eyes Coming in through my ear canals it gathers like lice The growing and the agitating pool of blackened stress Just please don’t give me any more, I’ve already gone over the edge

Showtime, its trapped in me A freak show that you’ve never seen Go on and keep complaining of misfortune in your world I’ve spent my life living without saying that I’ve had enough, The Disordered Self-Restraint Girl.

Showtime! Trapped in a cage I’ll throw away stability Cutting away everyone that makes me feel unhappy Drooling, dancing wildly, I’m filled with crazy gaiety, Is this the heaven that I dreamed of? No… this is Hell.

Showtime! Trapped in my cage, I think that I’ll destroy it all Cutting apart the world, erasing, breaking everything I know when tomorrow comes, everything will be fine then Won’t you forgive me once again?

[mochamamii]

yandere!nct 127: you refuse to eat.

▹ a/n: hello loves, back with another post for 127, thank you to the lovely anon who sent in this request :)

▹ triggers: yandere!au, implied abduction, eating disorder(?), self-deprivation

▹ pairing: yandere!nct 127 x reader

taeil will notice immediately if you’re eating less than you normally do, he will wait a while just to be sure before deciding to question you about it.

“sweetheart, you’re not eating? are you feeling sick?”

taeil will check in on you nearly every five minutes to offer you a snack or a plate of food, he will become so annoying and overbearing to the point that you just cave in and agree to eat something.

he won’t be satisfied until he sees your tummy plump and full of food again.

johnny is annoyed once he realizes that you’re not eating, he feels like it’s another one of the games you play to try and guilt trip him.

so maybe he went a little too far during your last punishment? Is that really a reason to refuse any food that he tries to feed you?

“princess…if you keep refusing to eat I might just have to add to those pretty bruises on your legs.”

taeyong won’t tolerate you refusing to eat at all, the first time he notices you haven’t touched any of your food he lets it slide without saying anything about it to you, just when you think you’ve pulled a fast one on him and he hasn’t noticed, you awake to see your hands and feet tied to the bed.

“taeyong, what are you doing? why am I tied up?” you question as you pull at your restraints,

taeyong sits next to you on the bed, a plastic tube in hand.

“your body, this body…isn’t yours to abuse like this, you need to eat to get vitamins and nutrients, and if you refuse again I will have to use this feeding tube, which will you choose?”

yuta is somewhat slow to notice, especially if you haven’t explicitly told him that you’re refusing to eat.

but when yuta does find out…

“oh so you’re refusing to eat?” yuta asks as he watches you reject the plate of food before you.

“shall we see how long you can last without other things?…”

yuta will beat you at your own game by taking it a step further to deprive you of water and even sunlight in addition to the food, he will lock you up in the basement until your clawing at the door begging for him to let you out and feed you.

“you should know by now I’ll always win over you.”

doyoung is quick to notice that you are not eating, he’s attentive and ultra perceptive when it comes to you.

doyoung prides himself on managing all of your meals for you, how else can he ensure that his darling is receiving a well balanced diet?

the minute you start to reject meals from doyoung he will stop you before it becomes a habit.

“not hungry? maybe some time in the basement alone will give you the space to rethink that? starving yourself gets you nowhere but a trip downstairs so be a good girl and eat up.”

jungwoo is the type of yandere that often flies under the radar, people neglect to see the other side of him.

Including you.

jungwoo does his best to be soft and accommodating with you, especially given that he has whisked you away from the world and forced you into captivity, and at times it feels like you take advantage of that aspect of jungwoo.

so once he notices you’re refusing to eat, jungwoo can’t hold himself back anymore, the need to feel heard and respected by you reigning over him.

“If you would just behave I wouldn’t have to do these things…It’s you who brings it out of me, and now your friend here will be the one to pay for it..”

mark will try to ignore the fact that you’re not eating, he doesn’t want to encourage your behavior in any way so he’ll opt to ignore it altogether, in his mind you’re doing it to rebel against him and fight back.

he’ll wait to see how long you can go without eating, even trying to tempt you by filling the fridge with all of your favorite foods and sweets.

If you still don’t cave and he starts to notice your body taking on some of the physical effects of your food deprivation, he will finally step in.

“am I going to have to get you a feeding tube, is that it? I don’t care if I have to force feed you myself you will eat something.”

haechan is too smart to let you get away with not eating, he will tire you out until you’re too frustrated to keep up with your tirade.

haechan here thrives off of give and take relationships, the more you starve yourself the more he does something he knows you don’t like in return.

every time you refuse to eat or drink, he’ll force you to cuddle with him or give him a kiss just cause he knows you don’t want to.

“oh? you don’t want to cuddle? well how else are you going to get your energy? since you’re refusing to eat, it’s my job to recharge my baby in the meantime.”