#Disney and Marvel love to write villains that have good sound reasoning and then make them commit war crimes

[laughableillusions]

Ultron: I don’t think that 6 super powered people that operate completely outside the government and are owned by a multibillion dollar company, whose CEO didn’t even know that the weapons he designed were being used as weapons because he is so disconnected from reality through his wealth and ego should exist.

Ultron: Also Im going to blow up the world abt it

[twh-news]

To land ‘Loki,’ Kate Herron had to pull out all the stops. How she won over Marvel

As a teenager, Kate Herron was obsessed with the “Lord of the Rings” films.

In particular, she recalls heading to theaters repeatedly with friends who shared her passion to see “The Two Towers” (2002), the second installment in director Peter Jackson’s trilogy based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s epic fantasy novel. She even wrote “Lord of the Rings” fan fiction.

“It was very silly,” the British filmmaker insists, revealing that one of her stories saw the heroic Fellowship traveling through a magical fountain and getting trapped in New York. “Honestly, I was just writing the stories to make my friends laugh. I guess it was kind of that first foray for me: ‘How do I tell a story?’”

Years later, Herron is again involved in telling a story about a protagonist displaced from the world he knows. But this time, her audience is much bigger.

Herron, 33, is the director of “Loki,” the Marvel Studios series that follows the adventures of the titular god of mischief after he has been plucked out of time by an agency charged with maintaining the sanctity of the timeline. Thus, the six-episode series, which premiered earlier this month on Disney+, features a slightly different version of Loki than the fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe have grown to love since his first appearance in “Thor” (2011) through “Avengers: Endgame” (2019).

“I love villains,” says Herron during a recent video call from Atlanta, where she is putting the final touches on “Loki.” “I think that if a villain’s done right, you don’t necessarily have to like their actions, but you have to understand them. And I think that Tom [Hiddleston], in the last decade, has brought such empathy and wit and pain to a very real character for so many people. I just wanted to be part of whatever [Loki’s] next chapter was going to be.”

The series, on which the self-described Loki fan also serves as an executive producer, is Herron’s highest-profile project to date. Her previous credits include directing on Netflix’s “Sex Education,” as well as “Five by Five,” a series of short films executive produced by Idris Elba.

While growing up in South East London, Herron never considered filmmaking as a career. Her love of movies manifested as the aspiration to become an actor, and she often goaded her peers into putting on plays or making movies using a friend’s father’s camcorder. It wasn’t until some astute and encouraging teachers at Herron’s secondary school pointed out that she seemed more interested in storytelling that she changed course.

By introducing Herron to new texts, these teachers — as well as a film studies class that covered films directed by Stanley Kubrick and Akira Kurosawa — helped expand her perspective.

“I just didn’t know that you could have a voice and an authorship over a film, which probably sounds a bit silly. But I just hadn’t really thought about films in that way,” says Herron. Soon enough, she was on the path to film school at the University for the Creative Arts in Farnham, England, where she graduated with a degree in film production.

Herron laughs as she remembers how she believed she would just go off and find work in film straight out of school. “Obviously that did not happen,” she says.

With no post-graduate roadmap (or job offer) to help her break into the industry, Herron eventually started writing and directing short films with “no money” while juggling a day job as a temp. Both experiences provided Herron with material for “Loki,” which introduces a new bureaucratic agency called the Time Variance Authority to the MCU.

“I’ve worked at a lot of random places, which weirdly has influenced ‘Loki’ in some ways because we have this office culture kind of running through it,” says Herron. “I’ve worked in a lot of offices.”

In order to give the retro-futuristic offices of the TVA “a real lived-[in], breathed-in office” feel, Herron incorporated details that viewers could recognize from the real world — from paper files to the posters on the walls — and gave them a fantastical twist befitting the superhero series.

“One of the most exciting things to me about Kate is she has this amazing attention to detail,” says “Loki” co-executive producer Kevin Wright. “That was something that we saw on her very first pitch [and] it works its way into every frame of the show. Every monitor, every piece of paper in the TVA … she has looked over and approved everything you see.”

In an email, “Loki” star Hiddleston described Herron as “a dream collaborator” who possesses “a unique combination of extraordinary diligence, stamina, energy, respect and kindness.”

“Her affection for and understanding of Loki was so deep, profound and wide-ranging,” Hiddleston wrote. “She built a new world for these characters to play in with incredible precision, but she was also acutely sensitive to their emotional journey.”

Herron’s affinity for outsiders is apparent throughout the course of our conversation. There is of course her love for Loki — the heir to the king of Frost Giants raised as the prince of Asgard who has become one of the MCU’s most beloved villain-turned-antiheroes. Herron’s first introduction to the world of Marvel as a kid was through “X-Men: The Animated Series,” about the superhero team with mutant powers that set them apart from average humans. Herron cites Lisa Simpson — the overachieving, opinionated middle child from the animated sitcom “The Simpsons” — as the reason she is a vegetarian who can play the saxophone.

And although Herron describes herself as shy, it’s no match for the passion she brings to discussing film and television.

She calls Wes Anderson’s 2001 film “The Royal Tenenbaums,” co-written by “Loki” actor Owen Wilson, “a perfect movie.” In addition to being obsessed with “The Simpsons,” Herron gravitated toward genre shows such as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the updated “Battlestar Galactica” and “The X-Files” when growing up.

As Herron enthusiastically dives into “Loki’s” influences — which include “Alien” (1979), “Blade Runner” (1982), “Brazil” (1985), “Metropolis” (1927) and, yes, even “Teletubbies” — it’s easy to see why Wright knew she was the right person to bring “Loki” to life from their very first meeting.

Upon learning that Marvel was developing a show about Loki, Herron tasked her agents with calling Marvel every day until they would meet with her. And it worked.

“I was just so excited that somebody was chasing the project,” says Wright. “Which sounds crazy, that Marvel would be excited somebody’s chasing us. But it was the early days of us trying to get this Disney+ streaming stuff off the ground, so people were very hesitant … they didn’t know what it was yet.”

Herron’s enthusiasm for the show landed her a video meeting with Wright and executive producer Stephen Broussard. Believing it might be her only shot at the project, Herron came armed with so many stills and clips to illustrate her discussion of the scripts she’d been sent that a simple meet-and-greet turned into a four-hour conversation.

“Over the course of the next week or so,” Wright explains, “it was really figuring out how to set Kate up to succeed when we got her in front of Kevin Feige to pitch this.”

Herron put together a 60-page bible of ideas for the characters, the story, the visual references and more. The rest is Marvel history.

She learned not to wait for permission, she says, after graduating from film school and becoming involved with improv and stand-up to both develop her comedy chops and to meet funny collaborators to be in her short films.

“I think I’d always find excuses, almost, [to not do it],” says Herron. “It was that thing of being like, ‘Oh, well, I’m not ready. So I’ll wait. I’ll wait until I’m perfect at it and then I’ll go do it.’”

Taking inspiration from Robert Rodriguez’s “Rebel Without a Crew” and a SXSW keynote speech by Mark Duplass, Herron realized that she just needed to start making things. She told herself it was OK if the films were messy. If a short was bad, nobody had to see it. If a short was “halfway to good,” she would submit them to festivals.

It’s this tenacious creativity that connects the dots between her early fan fiction, her short films, her pitch presentations — and now “Loki” itself. It’s a trait that has helped her navigate the industry to her current success, even during the periods it’s been most frustrating. As a female director, “I got asked crazy stuff in interviews sometimes,” she says of life on the festival circuit. “I remember being asked, ‘Are you sure you’re ready? Are you sure you’re ready?’ And male colleagues of mine were never asked that in interviews. I think that’s probably why I was so driven to just go out and make stuff.”

[flying-elliska]

Literally the only reason I don’t outright despise the darkling in the show is solely cause of Ben Barnes and I’m fully aware of that 😂😂 I HATED him in the books. I didn’t like Mal either but like I honestly could not understand for the life of me why people liked the darkling lol. I feel like I was severely in the minority. Idk I sort of was like.. ok I get he’s maybe supposed to be charming but I see so much through his bullshit it’s not even funny. I felt like I was being told that he was alluring rather than feeling like he was lol. And it annoyed me to no end. Now Ben Barnes as the darkling... he was basically saying the same shit but I was like you know I fully realize you’re full of shit but it’s okie pls keep going 😂😂 he also was slightly different but idk. Maybe this was one of those things where I needed to see it as a visual instead of just in a book

Ahah yeah very relatable. And an interesting thing to think about. When I read the books, which was quite a while ago, I despised his character, and I didn't like Mal either ; I was pretty much there for the fun world and the side characters. (I can't wait to see who they cast as Nikolai, my beloved.) But there is such power in a good performance, and I'm also talking about Jessie Mei Li here because I found Alina so dour and not fun as a protagonist but in the show she's ☀️☀️☀️

I mean there are definitely loathsome characters on TV that are just so fun to watch because they're so stylish and unhinged and the actor is just really going for it and it's fun putting your morals aside as a thought experiment to imagine being at this level of not giving a fuck about anything, it's liberating. One of my all time faves is Glenn Close as Cruella de Vil in the Dalmatian movies I was obsessed with as a kid, and this is a woman who wants to skin puppies, she has zero redeeming qualities and it's amazing to watch because she is so much larger than life and cool and insane. (Don't get me started on all the queer coding for Disney villains too lol.)

So like, I think on TV it's easier to appreciate terrible characters for that performance aspect. And there is something reassuring about making evil into an over the top spectacle, because it makes it less scary, paradoxically ; in real life most evil is very ordinary and respectable-looking and diffuse and insidious and hard to pinpoint, if it isn't made completely invisible by systemic dynamics. Most monsters are some kind of exorcism.

When it comes to books it's trickier to write a villain who is also supposed to be ambiguously likeable, I think, because you don't have the advantage of such a performance, you have to synthesize it all with words, which are more intellectual. Whereas TV has visuals, sounds, it's more easily visceral, which I think is closer to the level on which these types of characters work, the more primal emotions.

And when it gets to the Darkling I get the appeal in theory. First of all, his political agenda is somewhat understandable (and even more so in the show) even if his methods are fucked up, especially considering the heroes seem to be a lot more concerned with reestablishing the status quo for a big part of the story. If you have a villain concerned with fighting injustice and your hero isn't fighting injustice just as hard, then you're kind of setting up people to root for the villain, no matter what gratuitous atrocities get tacked on, because the structure of the story feels unjustified. This is a story pattern people have been calling out for its weird conservative implications for a while now (looking at you Marvel yikes).

Also, the Darkling is very much an example of a trope that is veeeery popular in fiction aimed at women, that of the dangerous, more powerful, often immortal or monstrous supernatural dude associated with death/winter/darkness/the devil that tries to tempt the heroine away from her expected life path and can be either a love interest or an enemy or both. This is like, most recent vampire stories, or Beauty and the Beast, or Hades/Persephone retellings, Hannibal the series for a queer version, possibly also Killing Eve - hell two stories I've read recently were that trope (Winternights trilogy and The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue). And people often prefer it as a romance ; even though it obviously has problematic implications I don't think you can reduce it to 'silly women don't know what's good for them!!!' like I've seen it implied. I'm picky with this trope, I usually prefer deconstructions, but I see the appeal.

The main problem with the Darkling in the books is that I find him annoying, and like that other post says, in fiction a character can be as evil as they want as long as they're not annoying lmao. He's just cold and aggressive and he comes over as this petulant emo douchebag and Alina is supposed to be drawn to that because ???? Ben Barnes sells the charm and the danger so much better, and so when the betrayal comes it feels a lot more meaningful and interesting.

Like don't get me wrong, the Darkling in the books does things that are pretty irredeemable and looks like they're going in that direction in the show too, but I do like that they kept him more human, and I get why people wished the character had gone in a more ambiguous direction. And sometimes you just want a good corruption arc for your hero, that's too rare in my opinion. Also I just think it should be possible to like Problematic Characters without having to excuse everything they do or feel like you've committed a mortal sin against the Good God of Moral Fiction. I've seen the discourse online ping-pong between 'uwu he never did anything wrong!!!!' and 'omg abuse apologism!!!' and I'm like. Degree zero of literacy. Bye.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About Loki (Season One)

(Sorry this is later than it should have been. I may or may not be experiencing burnout from reviewing every episode of the gayest show Disney has ever produced)

Salutations, random people on the internet. I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

Do you want to know what's fun about the Marvel Cinematic Universe? It is now officially at the point where the writers can do whatever the hell they want.

A TV series about two Avengers getting stuck in a series of sitcoms as one of them explores their personal grief? Sure.

Another series as a guy with metal bird wings fights the inner racism of his nation to take the mantel of representing the idea of what that nation should be? Why not?

A forgettable movie about a superspy and her much more mildly entertaining pretend family working together to kill the Godfather? F**king go for it (Let that be a taste for my Black Widow review in October)!

There is no limit to what you can get with these movies and shows anymore, and I personally consider that a good thing. It allows this franchise to lean further into creative insanity, thus embracing its comic roots in the process. Take Loki, for example. It is a series about an alternate version of one of Marvel's best villains bouncing around the timeline with Owen Wilson to prevent the end of the universe. It sounds like just the right amount of wackiness that it should be too good to fail.

But that's today's question: Did it fail? To find out my own answer to that, we're gonna have to dive deep into spoilers. So be wary as you continue reading.

With that said, let's review, shall we?

WHAT I LIKED

Loki Himself: Let's get this out of the way: This isn't the same Loki we've seen grow within five movies. The Loki in this series, while similar in many ways, is still his very own character. He goes through his own redemption and developments that fleshes out Loki, all through ways that, if I'm being honest with you, is done much better in six-hour-long episodes than in past films. Loki's story was already entertaining, but he didn't really grow that much aside from being this chaotic neutral character instead of this wickedly evil supervillain. Through his series, we get to see a gradual change in his personality, witnessing him understand his true nature and "glorious purpose," to the point where he's already this completely different person after one season. Large in part because of the position he's forced into.

Some fans might say that the series is less about Loki and more about the TVA. And while I can unquestionably see their point, I still believe that the TVA is the perfect way for Loki to grow. He's a character all about causing chaos and controlling others, so forcing him to work for an organization that takes that away allows Loki time to really do some introspection. Because if his tricks don't work, and his deceptions can't fool others, then who is he? Well, through this series, we see who he truly is: A character who is alone and is intended to be nothing more than a villain whose only truly selfless act got him killed in the end. Even if he wants to better himself, he can't because that "goes against the sacred timeline." Loki is a person who is destined to fail, and he gets to see it all with his own eyes by looking at what his life was meant to be and by observing what it could have been. It's all tragic and yet another example of these shows proving how they allow underdeveloped characters in the MCU a better chance to shine. Because if Loki can give even more depth to a character who's already compelling as is, then that is a feat worth admiration.

The Score: Let's give our gratitude toward Natalie Holt, who f**king killed it with this series score. Every piece she made is nothing short of glorious. Sylvie's and the TVA's themes particularly stand out, as they perfectly capture who/what they're representing. Such as how Sylvie's is big and boisterous where the TVA's sound eerie and almost unnatural. Holt also finds genius ways to implement other scores into the series, from using familiar tracks from the Thor movies to even rescoring "Ride of the Valkyries" in a way that makes a scene even more epic than it already could have been. The MCU isn't best known for its musical scores, partly because they aim to be suitable rather than memorable. But every now and again, something as spectacular as the Loki soundtrack sprinkles through the cracks of mediocrity. Making fans all the more grateful because of it.

There’s a lot of Talking: To some, this will be considered a complaint. Most fans of the MCU come for the action, comedy, and insanely lovable characters. Not so much for the dialogue and exposition. That being said, I consider all of the talking to be one of Loki's best features. All the background information about the TVA added with the character's backstories fascinates me, making me enthusiastic about learning more. Not everyone else will be as interested in lore and world-building as others, but just because something doesn't grab you, in particular, doesn't mean it isn't appealing at all. Case in point: There's a reason why the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise has lasted as long as it has, and it's not entirely because of how "scary" it is.

There's also the fact that most of the dialogue in Loki is highly engaging. I'll admit, some scenes do drag a bit. However, every line is delivered so well that I'm more likely to hang on to every word when characters simply have honest conversations with each other. And if I can be entertained by Loki talking with Morbius about jetskis, then I know a show is doing at least something right.

It’s Funny: This shouldn't be a surprise. The MCU is well-known for its quippy humor in the direct acknowledgment that it doesn't take itself too seriously. With that said, it is clear which movies and shows are intended to be taken seriously, while others are meant to be comedies. Loki tries to be a bit of both. There are some heavy scenes that impact the characters, and probably even some fans, due to how well-acted and professionally written they can be. However, this is also a series about a Norse god traveling through time to deal with alternate versions of himself, with one of them being an alligator. I'd personally consider it a crime against storytelling to not make it funny. Thankfully, the writers aren't idiots and know to make the series fun with a few flawlessly timed and delivered jokes that never really take away from the few good grim moments that actually work.

It Kept Me Surprised: About everything I appreciate about Loki, the fact that I could never really tell what direction it was going is what I consider its absolute best feature. Every time I think I knew what was going to happen, there was always this one big twist that heavily subverted any and every one of my expectations. Such as how each time I thought I knew who the big bad was in this series, it turns out that there was an even worse threat built up in the background. The best part is that these twists aren't meant for shock value. It's always supposed to drive the story forward, and on a rewatch, you can always tell how the seeds have been planted for making each surprise work. It's good that it kept fans guessing, as being predictable and expected would probably be the worst path to take when making a series about Loki, a character who's all about trickery and deception. So bonus points for being in line with the character.

The TVA: You can complain all you want about how the show is more about the TVA than it is Loki, but you can't deny how the organization in question is a solid addition to the MCU. Initially, it was entertaining to see Loki of all characters be taken aback by how the whole process works. And it was worth a chuckle seeing Infinity Stones, the most powerful objects in the universe, get treated as paperweights. However, as the season continues and we learn about the TVA, the writers show that their intention is to try and write a message about freedom vs. control. We've seen this before in movies like Captain America: The Winter Soldier or Captain America: Civil War, but with those films, it always felt like the writers were leaning more towards one answer instead of making it obscure over which decision is correct. This is why I enjoy the fact that Loki went on saying that there really is no right answer for this scenario. If the TVA doesn't prune variants, it could result in utter chaos and destruction that no one from any timeline can prepare themselves for. But when they do prune variants along with their timelines, it takes away all free will, forcing people to be someone they probably don't even want to be. It's a situation where there really is no middle ground. Even if you bring up how people could erase timelines more destructive than others, that still takes away free will on top of how there's no unbiased way of deciding which timelines are better or worse. And the series found a brilliant way to explain this moral: The season starts by showing how the TVA is necessary, to later point out how there are flaws and evil secrets within it, and ends things with the revelation that there are consequences without the TVA keeping the timeline in check. It's an epic showcase of fantastic ideas met with exquisite execution that I can't help but give my seal of approval to.

Miss Minutes: Not much to say. This was just a cute character, and I love that Tara Strong, one of the most popular voice actors, basically plays a role in the MCU now.

Justifying Avengers: Endgame: Smartest. Decision. This series. Made. Bar none.

Because when you establish that the main plot is about a character getting arrested for f**king over the timeline, you're immediately going to get people questioning, "Why do the Avengers get off scot-free?" So by quickly explaining how their time-traveling antics were supposed to happen, it negates every one of those complaints...or most of them. There are probably still a-holes who are poking holes in that logic, but they're not the ones writing this review, so f**k them.

Mobius: I didn't really expect Owen Wilson to do that good of a job in Loki. Primarily due to how the Cars franchise discredits him as a professional actor for...forever. With that said, Owen Wilson's Mobius might just be one of the most entertaining characters in the series. Yes, even more so than Loki himself. Mobius acts as the perfect straight man to Loki's antics, what with being so familiar with the supposed god of mischief through past variations of him. Because of that, it's always a blast seeing these two bounce off one another through Loki trying to trick a Loki expert, and said expert even deceiving Loki at times. Also, on his own, Mobius is still pretty fun. He has this sort of witty energy that's often present in Phil Coulson (Love that character too, BTW), but thanks to Owen Wilson's quirks in his acting, there's a lot more energy to Mobius than one would find in Coulson. As well as a tad bit of tragedy because of Mobius being a variant and having no clue what his life used to be. It's a lot to unpack and is impressively written, added to how it's Owen Wilson who helps make the character work as well as he did. Cars may not have done much for his career, but Loki sure as hell showed his strengths.

Ravonna Renslayer: Probably the least entertaining character, but definitely one of the most intriguing. At least to me.

Ravonna is a character who is so steadfast in her believes that she refuses to accept that she may be wrong. Without the proper writing, someone like Ravonna could tick off (ha) certain people. Personally, I believe that Ravonna is written well enough where even though I disagree with her belief, I can understand where she's coming from. She's done so much for the TVA, bringing an end to so many variants and timelines that she can't accept that it was all for nothing. In short, Ravonna represents the control side of the freedom vs. control theme that the writers are pushing. Her presence is necessary while still being an appealing character instead of a plot device. Again, at least to me.

Hunter B-15: I have no strong feelings one way or another towards B-15's personality, but I will admit that I love the expectation-subversion done with her. She has this air of someone who's like, "I'm this by-the-books badass cop, and I will only warm up to this cocky rookie after several instances of them proving themselves." That's...technically not B-15. She's the first to see Loki isn't that bad, but only because B-15 is the first in the main cast to learn the hidden vile present in the TVA. It makes her change in point of view more believable than how writers usually work a character like hers, on top of adding a new type of engaging motivation for why she fights. I may not particularly enjoy her personality, but I do love her contributions.

Loki Watching What His Life Could Have Been: This was a brilliant decision by the writers. It's basically having Loki speedrun his own character development through witnessing what he could have gone through and seeing the person he's meant to be, providing a decent explanation for why he decides to work for the TVA. And on the plus side, Tom Hiddleston did a fantastic job at portraying the right emotions the character would have through a moment like this. Such as grief, tearful mirth, and borderline shock and horror. It's a scene that no other character could go through, as no one but Loki needed a wake-up call for who he truly is. This series might heavily focus on the TVA, but scenes like this prove just who's the star of the show.

Loki Causing Mischief in Pompeii: I just really love this scene. It's so chaotic and hilarious, all heavily carried by the fact that you can tell that Tom Hiddleston is having the time of his damn life being this character. What more can I say about it.

Sylvie: The first of many surprises this season offered, and boy was she a great one.

Despite being an alternate version of Loki, I do appreciate that Sylvie's her own character and not just "Loki, but with boobs." She still has the charm and charisma, but she also comes across as more hardened and intelligent when compared to the mischievous prick we've grown to love. A large part of that is due to her backstory, which might just be the most tragic one these movies and shows have ever made. Sylvie got taken away when she was a little girl, losing everything she knew and loved, and it was all for something that the people who arrested her don't even remember. How sad is that? The fact that her life got permanently screwed over, leaving zero impact on the people responsible for it. As badass as it is to hear her say she grew up at the ends of a thousand worlds (that's an album title if I ever heard one), it really is depressing to know what she went through. It also makes her the perfect candidate to represent the freedom side of the freedom vs. control argument. Because she's absolutely going to want to fight to put an end to the people who decide how the lives of trillions should be. Those same people took everything from Sylvie, and if I were in her position, I'd probably do the same thing. Of course, we all know the consequences that come from this, and people might criticize Sylvie the same way they complain about Thor and Star Lord for screwing over the universe in Avengers: Infinity War. But here's the thing: Sylvie's goals are driven by vengeance, which can blind people from any other alternatives. Meaning her killing He Who Remains is less of a story flaw and more of a character flaw. It may be a bad decision, but that's for Season Two Sylvie to figure out. For now, I'll just appreciate the well-written and highly compelling character we got this season and eagerly wait as we see what happens next with her.

The Oneshot in Episode Three: Not as epic as the hallway scene in Daredevil, but I do find it impressive that it tries to combine real effects, fighting, and CGI in a way where it's all convincing enough.

Lady Sif Kicking Loki in the D**k: This is a scene that makes me realize why I love this series. At first, I laugh at Loki being stuck in a time loop where Lady Sif kicks him in the d**k over and over again. But a few scenes later, this setup actually works as a character moment that explains why Loki does the things he does.

This series crafted phenomenal character development through Loki getting kicked in the d**k by the most underrated badass of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's a perfect balance of comedy and drama that not every story can nail, yet Loki seemed like it did with very little effort.

Classic Loki: This variant shows the true tragedy of being Loki. The only way to survive is to live in isolation, far away from everything and everyone he loves, only to end up having his one good deed result in his death anyways. Classic Loki is definitive proof that no matter what face they have, Lokis never gets happy endings. They're destined to lose, but at least this version knows that if you're going out, you're going out big. And at least he got to go out with a mischievous laugh.

(Plus, the fact that he's wearing Loki's first costume from the comics is a pretty cute callback).

Alligator Loki: Alligator Loki is surprisingly adorable, and if you know me, you know that I can't resist cute s**t. It's not in my nature.

Loki on Loki Violence: If you thought Loki going ham in Pompeii was chaotic, that was nothing to this scene. Because watching these Lokis backstab one another, to full-on murdering each other, is a moment that is best described as pure, unadulterated chaos. And I. Loved. Every. Second of it.

The Opening Logo for the Season Finale: I'm still not that big of a fan of the opening fanfare playing for each episode, but I will admit that it was a cool feature to play vocal clips of famous quotes when the corresponding character appears. It's a great way of showing the chaos of how the "sacred timeline" works without having it to be explained further.

The Citadel: I adore the set design of the Citadel. So much history and backstory shine through the state of every room the characters walk into. You get a perfect picture of what exactly happened, but seeing how ninety percent of the place is in shambles, it's pretty evident that not everything turned out peachy keen. And as a personal note, my favorite aspect of the Citadel is the yellow cracks in the walls. It looks as though reality itself is cracking apart, which is pretty fitting when considering where the Citadel actually is.

He Who Remains: This man. I. Love. This man.

I love this man for two reasons.

A. He's a ton of fun. Credit to that goes to the performance delivered by Jonathon Majors. Not only is it apparent that Majors is having a blast, but he does a great job at conveying how He Who Remains is a strategic individual but is still very much off his rocker. These villains are always my favorite due to how much of a blast it is seeing someone with high intelligence just embracing their own insanity. If you ask me, personalities are always essential for villains. Because even when they have the generic plot to rule everything around them, you're at least going to remember who they are for how entertaining they were. Thankfully He Who Remains has that entertainment value, as it makes me really excited for his eventual return, whether it'd be strictly through Loki Season Two or perhaps future movies.

And B. He Who Remains is a fantastic foil for Loki. He Who Remains is everything Loki wishes he could have been, causing so much death, destruction, and chaos to the multiverse. The important factor is that he does it all through order and control. The one thing Loki despises, and He Who Remains uses it to his advantage. I feel like that's what makes him the perfect antagonist to Loki, thanks to him winning the game by not playing it. I would love it if He Who Remains makes further appearances in future movies and shows, especially given how he's hinted to be Kane the Conqueror, but if he's only the main antagonist in Loki, I'm still all for it. He was a great character in his short time on screen, and I can't wait to see what happens next with him.

WHAT I DISLIKED

Revealing that Loki was D.B. Cooper: A cute scene, but it's really unnecessary. It adds nothing to the plot, and I feel like if it was cut out entirely, it wouldn't have been the end of the world...Yeah. That's it.

That's my one and only complaint about this season.

Maybe some scenes drag a bit, and I guess Episode Three is kind of the weakest, but there's not really anything that this series does poorly that warrants an in-depth complaint.

Nope.

Nothing at all...

…

...

...I'm not touching that "controversy" of Loki falling for Sylvie instead of Mobius. That's a situation where there are no winners.

Only losers.

Exclusively losers.

Other than that, this season was amazing!

IN CONCLUSION

I'd give the first season of Loki a well-earned A, with a 9.5 through my usual MCU ranking system. It turns out, it really is the best type of wackiness that was just too good to fail. The characters are fun and likable, the comedy and drama worked excellently, and the expansive world-building made me really intrigued with the more we learned. It's hard to say if Season Two will keep this momentum, but that's for the future to figure out. For now, let's just sit back and enjoy the chaos.

(Now, if you don't excuse me, I have to figure out how to review Marvel's What If...)

[kurtty-drabbles]

House of M Redone part 5

N/A: I got Netflix but I´ll not let my writing stop. Here we go, Kurt, you´re so whipped.

@dannybagpipesarecalling @muninandhugin @tieflingteeth

The school has upholds many traditions, smaller and bigger, among teachers and students. It was a way to bond with the old and next generation. So far, so good. Except, a new novelty roaming around the halls and classroom. 

Said novelty is nothing more or less than Nightcrawler, one of the most famous Red guards. Whispers, speculations, including some autographs-sometimes, follow by requests of petting his fur- however, what fuels the rumors are two facts:

1) Nightcrawler is taking his time to visit one person.

2) The said person is none other than Kitty Pryde.

Kitty is spotting a new hairstyle. Fluffy and Jewish style will never out of the menu but is possible to change a few things. So, Kitty has a wavy short style.

(Kitty hairstyle)

At this very moment, Kitty is reading some essays with a knee eye to any strange line regards Namor- some of her students have mothers who like to help in the essays. Some mothers have an extreme adoration- causing an exasperated sigh.

"Oh my God, if I read another line about Namor´s abs..." Kitty taps her pen in a nervous tick. One time, two times, furthermore three times. Now, she´s writing something in the essay. "Tell your mother I´m not interested in knowing about Namor´s sex life...doubt his dick could have stopped the grand war! But rest assured he did try" 

"So, not a fan of Namor?" a male voice draws in. Kitty humms in agreement as she picks another essay.   Doe-eyes lift up to see Nightcrawler smirking at her. "He can be a hassle to deal, let me tell you that... he and his fangirls" mentally add and his obsession with Sue Storm

"Hello, Nightcrawler, what a surprise to see you, in my office, may I help you? Soon, we´ll dive into the history of the Red Guards...I´ll spares no one of my witty" she promises.

"As I would expect of such a teacher like you" Kurt´s smooth line must be appreciated. "I´m here to ask for a favor. Kitty, would you like to go with me to the royal ball? The royal family has many parties and gatherings and I, as a member of the Red Guard, must attend and be on my best behavior" Kurt notes sagely how her doe eyes are glued on his golden ones.

"Oh, you mean ...no orgies?" her question is childish, filled with innocence as her grin got wider.

Kurt wrinkles at this. His fangirls seem to appreciate his sexy appeal too much sometimes.

"No, no orgies." is important to emphasize this as strongly as possible. Again, some of his fandoms really enjoy Kurt´s sex appeal. "But I do need to be on my best behavior..."

Kitty´s eyes look down as her fingers tap on her desk. She looks up again to send the pitiful stare Kurt ever saw. "Oh, elf, I´m so sorry...who is this stupid lady that refused you? Look" she clicks her tongues and has a contemplative expression written on her face. "I´m a big fan of enemies to lovers and all that, but in real life, if a lady says no...date another lady won´t make her magically love you. LET IT GO, elf"

Kurt can only narrow his eyes at this. " Are you...using Frozen/Disney jokes on me?"

Kitty is the image of the innocent. As usual.

"There´s no other girl, just you" Kurt promised never seeing the appeal of dating a girl to make another jealous. "I must say...your self-deprecating humor is not flattering" smirks at her expression. 

"So, let me get this straight, you" points to Kurt vehemently with her pen. "could have any lady to the royal ball and for some reason, one I´m not getting, you want to go with me? What about them?" the pen now points to the pair of eyes staring at them with wide eyes.

It took a minute for Kurt to look. It took a minute for all of them to leave.

"I want to go with you....I feel you, in all your wisdom and wit, won´t let me go to an orgy party" humor is the best weapon. Case and point, Kitty smiles at this.

"Well, I would love to...but, you know, in the program X...they didn´t add in my DNA how to dance and talk to royals" Kurt pouts. Kitty smiles- one must observe, as Kurt did, how her face is perfect to smile- the answer to such line is being waited for.

"You´ll never let me forget that, will you?"

"NOPE"

"Fine, I deserve, I guess. I still think it was strange a ..." thread this line with a clear mind and common sense. "civilian, I would say civilian, manage to handle the situation with Juggernaut so calmly"

"Elf, I´m a teacher...Juggernaut is nothing compared to that" winks at him. "Ok, guess I pick you up at 19hs?"

The nerve of this woman.

Then her face gets serious. "Look, I have to ask...what happened to nurse..." Kitty and embarrassed shouldn´t walk together. She puts her hands in front of her chest to make a point. "you know, the nurse I have a big personality?"

Oh, the nerve of this woman.

"Christine...well, she won´t bother us, I hope"

"She seems ...good"

"You can say she´s not very bright, she asked me if I was German"

"Normally, I hate a man calling another woman dumb or anything like that, but...yeah, in this case...I feel you. Is she alright?"

"Finally got we´ll never happen and took a job in Chicago"

"Well, good for her"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

(Emma´s dress)

Emma Frost is more than used to those social events. Having her school, and her name as well, in such high regard means doors are open for her.  The events that almost happen to her students have prevented only thanks to Juggernaut´s stupidity and Emma is well-aware of that.

Oh, right. Kitty and a certain Red Guard are in this equation as well. Not that Emma needs to point this one out.

Oh, speaking on the devil. Emma´s blue eyes narrow as she notices Kitty Pryde, of all people, present in the entrance gate having her arms locked with a certain Red Guard. Oh, Nightcrawler, you´re as subtle and discreet as an elephant in a china store.

Felicia Hardy is Black Cat. Felicia Hardy is a businesswoman and right now, Emma´s date. Coming closer to Emma´s ear to whisper always have double meanings. "Is that...Nightcrawler?"

Nightcrawler is really that popular.

Emma wouldn´t want to introduce herself or have to speak with Kitty Pryde. Sadly,  Black Cat has other ideas.

"Oh my god, you´re Nightcrawler, sorry, that sounds stupid. You know who you are. I just want to say I´m a fan" Felicia speaks in an amicable tone and shakes hands with the azzure man.

Her eyes notice Kitty. Kitty, for her part, was too busy sending death glares to Emma. It was a mutual action.

"Oh, you must be Kitty Pryde, Emma told me a lot about you" Felicia smirks. "anyone who can make the great White Queen nervous is a powerful foe"

Kitty now is taken back by this line. "She used to parade around wearing a corset and nothing else"

"Only because you know it looks good on me...not my fault you have a problem with your body"

"Oh, Emma, don´t confuse my ability to use pants to shame over my body. And for the records, all those plastic surgeons ...and no change on your terrible personality" Kitty has a mock concern expression.

Emma won´t dare to cause a scene. Not tonight.

"Nightcrawler, careful with this one. She´s a handful" Emma decides to say only this. Felicia and Emma are holding hands and walking away.

Kurt couldn´t leave this reply without a proper answer. "Oh, God. I hope so. I hope she´s the kind of the woman my mother warned about"

Emma has no response. Felicia is cackling. Kitty is looking at her shoes- if anyone asks, she can say how she was admiring such expensive shoes. Only that- and Kurt wonders if that is the right thing to say.

(Kitty´s dress)

__________________________________________________________________________________________

(Wanda´s dress)

Wanda Maximoff is the Witch Queen, as most of her followers and family love to call her, and while she understands traditions and its importance...she must confess how this gathering almost didn´t happen. Wanda is as social as a person can be. 

Tonight, she´s on the edge. Lorna and Pietro aren´t good actors to pretend otherwise.

"Anyone wants booze?" Lorna suggests already with some drinks in hand.

"Sure, but I can´t get drunk" Pietro confessed. "thanks to my powers"

"Wanda?" Lorna asked as Wanda is looking Cap Marvel guiding the boys around - a subtle body-guard. A powerful body-guard- her eyes snap back to Lorna as the other is offering drinks to Wanda.

"Yes, please. I´m not feeling this is a good idea...After everything, I feel we´re sitting ducks waiting to be attacked"

"Wanda...you´re not alone, ok? We´re here to protect you, and everyone else. Let´s be real, not the first time a villain wants to conquer Genosha" Lorna half-joke. No one seems to get her sense of humor.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Kitty was admiring the view. Not Kurt, if he asks, but the people in general. Everyone is so famous and important. Hell, even Emma Frost is important. If her eyes linger on Kurt´s handsome face is only to prove how important he is.

After all, Nightcrawler is the famous Red Guard. The fact he´s here with her still seems a dream.

"Am I that handsome?" Kurt asked smiling showing a part of his fangs.

"I think you know this by now...I´m just impressed by how much important people are here" Kitty confessed. Too honest. Too raw and too afraid at the same time.

"Yeah, everyone here is important"

"I know"

"Even you"

"What?"

Kurt feels this is a small victory. Especially seeing her blushing face. A small victory.

________________________________________________________________________________________

The Queen is not one to ignore heroes. So, once she caught the word Nightcrawler and the famous teacher Pryde are present in her ball, Wanda makes her mission to at least say hi to them.

Poor woman! if she hasn´t thought quickly...her students...

The Queen needs no introductions. Everyone knows her face. Kitty´s eyes widen and without thinking much-if she was thinking at all- she makes a bow and puts her right hand´s palm in her forehead and speaks this line.

"Enchanted to meet you, Witch Queen"

It came out so naturally. Kitty wonders if someone is controlling her movements or something because she feels too abashed to say anything else.

Kurt is at a loss for words here.

Wanda claps her hands together. "Oh, a fellow witch too?" her eyes are glowing. For once, not with her power.

"No, Your Highness. One of my students is a witch and goes to the Cackle Academy in the summer. Her parents believe in education in the magic system and in the mutant system...and I can always learn something new"

Better be honest with the Witch Queen.

Is the wise decision as Wanda nods in approval.

"Still, it's nice to see people paying respects to the Witchcraft rituals. Anyway, you´re Katherine Anne Pryde. I...just want to say how brave you were for dealing with Juggernaut until the Red Guards arrived" Wanda speaks with poison. As a real Witch Queen should.

"Well, he didn´t want to lead me any sword...I had to be creative" Kitty responds.

Wanda chuckles and nods. "You´re creative enough. Maybe next time, Nightcrawler can lean one of his swords" and adds. "still, I´m happy you and your students are unharmed and I promise you...this won´t happen again"

Kurt is really at a loss for words here.

Wanda excuse herself as she has to talk with the Queen of Wakanda. Ororo Monroe.

"Katzchen...what are you?"

"At this moment, I don´t know...Kurt, can I stay the rest of the night holding your arm?"

"Please"

"Thank you"

[tvobsessed96]

Top 10 TV Episodes of 2019

10. Marvel’s Runaways- Season 3, Episode 10- “Cheat the Gallows”

I’ll be the first to admit that Runaways is not a perfect show. I didn’t like season 1 all that much, mostly because Pride’s motivations and ultimate goals were too poorly defined for my tastes. I’m not expecting a big expositional villain monologue, but I at least need to understand what the villains are trying to accomplish and why. Otherwise, it’s hard to get emotionally invested. Having said that, season 2 was a marked improvement, and I wound up falling in love with this scrappy bunch of kids anyway. Which makes it all the more disappointing that the season that proved Runaways could be something great if it tried ended up being its last. I enjoyed season 3 a lot. The writing was better, the performances stepped up to match, and as annoyed as I am that the evil alien family trying to kill everyone plot was dropped unceremoniously without a satisfying explanation partway through the season, the battle with Morgan le Fey was filled with enough danger and tension to make up for it. But rather than choose that climactic battle as my entry for this list, I went with the messy, emotionally fraught aftermath. “Cheat the Gallows” could have been a simple, somewhat patriarchal story about a man going back in time to rescue the woman he loves, but it ended up being about a family clawing its way back together after wrestling with a shared trauma. Which, come to think of it, is pretty much exactly how the show started! Talk about coming full circle. The episode also ended up being a bit of a meditation on time itself, as the older versions of the Runaways contemplate the fact that Gert’s death led them down the paths that made them who they are. Once that’s erased, so are they. This realization gives the Runaways, mostly Nico, a chance to think about what they would have done differently, leading to a powerful scene in which Nico talks with her past self and pleads with her not to make the same mistakes she did. I bet we’ve all wished we could do that at one point or another. I also like that the episode ends with the sense that, with Gert saved, the Runaways might just be okay. Even if the note left for Alex by his murderous older self adds an ominous note to the whole thing.

9. So You Think You Can Dance- Season 16, Epsiode 15- “Live Finale Winner Announced”

So You Think You Can Dance continues to be the best reality competition show no one’s really talking about. Cat Deely has been robbed of her Emmy for best host too many times, but I digress. This show is always the highlight of my summer, and season 16 was no exception. Another season of amazing choreography, amazing performances, and a truly deserving winner that I can’t really be mad about, even if I was rooting for other dancers just as much. It was another really fun season, and I can’t wait for season 17! There’s a reason Fox keeps renewing this show despite the ratings, is all I’m saying.

8. Emergence- Season 1, Episode 9- “Where You Belong”

It’s true that the first half of Emergence’s freshman season was a bit uneven. The writing isn’t quite as compelling as it could be, and it does rely on some sci-fi cliches. But I’m a sucker for a good found family story, so I stuck it out. And I’m certainly glad I did, because the mid-season finale was pretty great! An excellent sense of stakes, and enough tension to keep you on the edge of your seat without skimping on the sweeter moments. It culminates in one of the most brilliant twists I’ve seen on TV since The Good Place! I’m curious to see what the rest of the season will bring.

7. Veronica Mars- Season 4, Episode 3- “Keep Calm and Party On”

I’m willing to bet that this will be the most controversial pick on the list, for several reasons. No, season 4 of Veronica Mars was not as good as its first, and I have problems with the way Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell handled the fan response to the ending. And that’s before we get to the episode itself. Many long-time fans of the series took serious issue with the extended party scene in this episode, given that Veronica was drugged and raped at a party in high school. There’s also her mother’s own history of alcoholism to consider. But while I absolutely sympathize with those concerns, Veronica’s decision to let loose and party still feels understandable to me. Given everything that’s been going on with the bombing case, she's searching for some kind of release. And if there was a year where the desire to just forget about the world for a while, past traumas be damned, felt all too real, it was 2019. And that’s why “Keep Calm and Party On” makes the list.

6. Single Parents- Season 1, Episode 23- “Ketchup”

Will and Angie are clearly the Jess and Nick of Single Parents, which is fine. But part of me is sort of hoping they don’t get together, because their friendship is pretty great. In this episode, Will takes Angie to a terrible fast food restaurant to confront Graham’s dad about abandoning her while she was pregnant. Will ends up using a bunch of food metaphors to explain to Derek what an amazing mother and person Angie is, and it’s fantastic! Add that to Douglas and Poppy realizing their feelings for each other, and you’ve got an episode that’s as completely hilarious as it is completely sweet. If you haven’t watched this show, check it out! It’s pretty delightful. 

5. Stumptown- Season 1, Episode 3- “Rip City Dicks”

Stumptown was the best new show this fall, hands down. The first half of its first season didn’t end quite as strongly as it started, but it gave us some fantastic episodes along the way. “Rip City Dicks” is one of them. Dex is hoping to apprentice under veteran PI Artie Banks in order to earn her license, but gets a cold, hard dose of reality when he sells out their client and her child to make a quick buck. Dex does learn a valuable lesson from it, though. Exactly what kind of private investigator she doesn’t want to be. The episode ends with an amazing, very feminist monologue from Dex promising Candace that she’ll get her kid back. It’s a fantastic performance from Cobie Smulders, and I’m really looking forward to the rest of the season! If you’re not watching Stumptown, you’re missing out.

4. This Is Us- Season 4, Episode 7- “The Dinner and the Date”

America’s favorite cry-worthy family drama gave us plenty of great episodes this year, including a much-anticipated origin story for Beth Pearson. Out of all the possible options, I ended up choosing “The Dinner and the Date” as my entry for this list. On one hand, you’ve got a sweet story of young love set against the backdrop of Philadelphia. On the other hand, you’ve got a young Black kid trying to form his own identity in a way his white adoptive parents just can’t understand, no matter how hard they may try. It’s a beautiful episode, and I look forward to seeing what 2020 brings for the Pearson family.

3. Marvel’s Cloak and Dagger- Season 2, Episode 10- “Level Up”

Honestly, I could have chosen any episode form Cloak & Dagger’s stellar second season for this list. There’s the near-perfect three episode run of “B-Sides,” “Vikingtown Sound,” and “Two Player.” There’s also the dark, thought-provoking Emma Lahana showcase that is “Shadow Selves.” But I ended up choosing the finale, because it felt like such a perfect culmination of everything the show had been doing up to that point. Tandy and Ty take on every obstacle Andre throws at them with an abundance of grace and an unshakable faith in each other. The choice to have them literally fight each other’s demons was inspired! But the most powerful moment comes when Tandy gets the chance to confront her late father after everything she’s learned about him since his death. She tells him in no uncertain terms that she, and only she, gets to decide how big a part of her he is. She says that the only thing she can do in the face of adversity is level up. If there’s a lesson to take into 2020, it’s this. If you think you aren’t strong enough to face what the world sends your way, level up. Turn your dagger of light into a sword of light. Stare oppression in the face and say, with your whole being, “Not today.” Disney and Marvel made a big mistake in cancelling Cloak & Dagger. Huge.

2. Good Trouble- Season 1, Episode 8- “Byte Club”

I hope anyone who thought Good Trouble wouldn’t be as powerful as The Fosters is really embarrassed after these first 20 episodes, and I mean that in the best possible way. Good Trouble is everything a great spin-off should be. It keeps the spirit, heart, and progressive mission of the original show, while also feeling like its own distinct entity. It introduces an amazing cast of new characters to love, without forgetting to check in on the old ones every once in a while. “Byte Club” has to be the best offering the show’s given us so far. Facing rampant gender and race discrimination at work, Mariana rallies the women of Speckulate to come up with a set of tips to help them assert themselves in the workplace. The advice they come up with is solid, and actually really useful in real life. But it’s made even more powerful when Mariana points out that women in professional spaces shouldn’t have to jump through all these ridiculous hoops just to get recognized for having an idea! And that’s not the only powerful feminist moment of the episode. Callie discovers that the reason Rebecca ended up as a clerk for Judge Wilson is because her previous judge sexually harassed her, and her powerful family refused to do anything about it other than get her out of there. I’ll admit that Callie had no right to insert herself into that situation and guilt Rebecca into coming forward in the following episode, but it’s still an amazing scene featuring excellent performances from Maia Mitchell and Molly McCook. I’m so excited for more Good Trouble in the new year!

1. The Good Place- Season 3, Episode 13- “Pandemonium”

The final season of The Good Place has been fantastic so far, and several of the most recent episodes almost made this list. But at the end of the day, “Pandemonium” is the kind of episode that makes me want to make television. To make something that will touch other people the way this episode touched me. I could go on and on about the beautiful love story between Eleanor and Chidi. But instead, I want to focus on the final scene, in which a distraught Eleanor calls Janet into her office and demands the answer to, well, everything. What does it all mean? Because if there’s no greater meaning, then the universe is just made of pain, and Eleanor can’t accept that. Janet’s response is what really makes the scene sing, so I’ll quote it here. “If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn’t be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it’s euphoria.” To which Eleanor replies that all she can do is “embrace the pandemonium” and “find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.” And then she steels herself, opens the door, and welcomes her soulmate who has no idea who she is into the afterlife. This is the same philosophical bent that made me adore Angel so much, and it works just as well here. This episode aired all the way back in January, and these sentiments got me through awful headline after awful headline in 2019. Catch up on The Good Place if you haven’t already. It will be going off the air soon, and our lives will be all the worse for it.

[raridashdoodles]

📖 Twilight have read and graded all your stories! 📖 

However, since she's a fictional character we'll discard her opinions! I'm the one with the money, so naturally my opinions are the only one that matters.

These are ranked from best to worst and I've scored all entries based on how entertaining (or infuriating) I found them to be. If you got a good score, be very proud! I am not easy to please. If you got a bad score, then it is time for you to go sit in the corner and think about your sins. 👻

First off, the winner and best of the show:

Fic: Love, And Other Felonies Author: PatchworkPoltergeist​ Grade: A+++ Review: This is pretty much a raridash masterpiece. In my humble opinion, it far surpasses all of the fanfics the raridash community considers its cream of the crop. It has everything from great structure, wonderful characterizations and is an overall fun, creative take on the NMM-verse timeline. The world-building and lore is an added plus and a surprise (didn't expect that due to time and theme restrictions). This is an excellent romance fanfic with Raridash at the heart of its story. The two of them share close to every moment together and have to lean on each other as there is no one else to trust in this harsh dystopian world. Watching these two walk on eggshells in a society where freewill and independent thinking is punishable by death is just as entertaining as it sounds!

If I had to critic this, I'd say the story's epilogue threw me off. I feel that too much character development were lost in amnesia world and the romance aspect just didn't fit the bill anymore. Felt forced and awkward.

Runner-ups:

Fic: My Little Confession Author: Pixel Berry Grade: B Review: Very plain and simple, but it works! Story is very brief and the characters barely has any time to be introduced, but it covers the bare minimum and the characters struggles and exchanges are both endearing, cute and wholesome. Equis High seemed like an interesting place and it would've been great if you could've expand upon it. The prompt lean near the end was way too on the nose and really ruined the flow of narration! You should've kept up your integrity and make up your own ending. An epilogue for this wouldn't hurt either since the story doesn't fade out, it just kind of ends... 

Style of narration was very odd and there were several pacing issues, but I feel the creativity makes up for it! These were the kind of stories I was hoping to get out of this competition. ❤️

Fic: Zero-Sun Game Author: Undome Tinwe Grade: C+ Review: This story had some good moments, but the genres stumble over each other constantly. This isn't goofy enough to make it a good comedy and it definitely isn't serious enough to work as a good drama. There aren't any real struggles and Rainbow Dash's character is practically flawless. She knows exactly what say and how to behave in order to get Rarity under her thumb and she can predict events with 100% accuracy, averting every single conflict thrown at her with ease. The more you read, the less intrigued you become. Everything becomes dull up until the ending where everything gets weird. In a story that has references to sex, vice and regicide, giving this story such a cheesy, awkward ending just didn't feel right at all.

You should've gone full comedy and have Rainbow Dash under investigation for being a potential super villain, only for it to be revealed her actions were not a result of amorality but stupidity. Drama could’ve work too, but you'd have to lose the virtual-reality shtick as it sucks away all the tension.

Fic: The Finale Author: Mymysteriox Grade: F Review: This story is called The Finale and as promised by the title, you are indeed dropped into the climax of a big dramatic story, having no clue as to what events has lead up to that moment. Ponies are yelling and crying and then the stage play end. The main characters are real pleased with themselves for performing this amazing play, we weren't allowed to see! The problem with this fanfic is that it is barely anything but a transcript to its prompt. There's no depth, backstory or even introductions. It's an empty shell.

Fic: Every One After Author: AJtheRaven Grade: F Review: This story's attempt at entertainment revolves itself around Rarity and Rainbow Dash being as petty and shallow as possible. In short, Rainbow Dash want a trophy wife and Rarity want an obedient little pupper. These aspirations are forced to the point you wonder why the two of them are an item in the first place. Romance stories who’s conflict are the characters hating each other with the resolution of them kissing and making up in the end are by far the cheapest, dirtiest things in the world. To add on that, it completely fails to utilize the prompt in any creative manner, making this already dull story that much duller. None of the interactions carried any sincerity and every setup was predictable. 

If you had plans to write a story out of pure spite then you might as well have gone full out and write a story where Rainbow Dash struggles to dispose of Rarity's lifeless body after having strangled her to death in a fit of rage. At least that way you could’ve gotten a passing score for creativity.

Fic: The Experimental RariDash Crackfic Author: Mystic Mind Grade: F Review: Every single joke in this are like nails on a chalk board. Rarity and Rainbow Dash serves no purpose to this story and could've been replaced by literally anyone. The narrator/Pinkie Pie is obnoxious to the point you want to bludgeon her to death and the story from beginning to end is nothing but meme characters stumbling around and bumping into each other. I was surprised you didn't include a scene where Discord popped in and start twerking in front of the audience, all while promoting his fortnite centered twitch channel. There isn’t a single redeeming factor in this story... Everything is just nauseating.

This might have been a decent story if it was a straight faced drama, but with what I’ve seen from this story I kind of doubt your ability to write romance stories at all.

Fic: A Marvelous Day Author: ModdieFox Grade: F- Review: This fanfic is a big empty template that someone put a raridash sticker onto. Any character could be switched out and it wouldn't make a difference. There's no story, no build-up and nothing in this carries any weight or consequence. Everything feels hollow and manufactured. A loveless, soulless entry.

This needed to be longer (less exposition, more anticipation) and the narration should've followed either Rarity's or Rainbow's internal monologue about the ups and downs in their relationship that eventually lead them to getting married. Big pay-offs like weddings aren't satisfying if we don’t know the struggle.

Fic: Those Wedding Belle Rainbows Author: Tangerine Blast Grade: G Review: I'm at a loss for words... This is a story that relies itself on the stupidity of its characters to push itself forward. Usually I don't mind stupid characters if it's there to make them cute, but in this fanfic it exist for no other reason than to create unnecessary conflicts. The lack of common sense makes every character insufferable and every action taken and every piece of dialogue spoken are annoying and borders on infuriating. The story has no direction and spirals itself into meandering filler. The author couldn't even be bother to write an ending for this clustergack and instead he just copy&pastes a scene from Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean and calls it a day (no, I'm not joking). 

I have nothing else to say other than this is the worst raridash fanfic I've ever read in my life. This isn't your everyday kind of failure... This is advanced failure! This deserves a grade lower than F so I hereby award it with the special rating of G (standing for garbage). Kudos.

Disqualified entires:

Fic: Guiding Light Author: Gesstalt Grade: Disqualified (Doesn't follow a prompt) Review: This story tries way too hard to be poetic and mysterious, but due to its brief length it just comes off as unnecessary filler. It feels like someone opened up a book, ripped out a single page from it and presented it as a full story. Everything is vague and cryptic and you can't make sense of anything. Elements are presented with the implications that they have greater meaning but it never amounts to anything and everything just feels pointless.

Fic: Love Eternal Author: RDFan27 Grade: Disqualified (Doesn't follow a prompt) Review: In this story Rainbow Dash enters Rarity's boutique and stands still. It's a pretty ingenious concept, I gotta say! Think about it, Rainbow Dash likes sports so naturally she likes to move around, but because she likes Rarity so much she's willing to go against her nature and stand still!! It's the peak of romance!!! 

Sarcasm aside, this fanfic fails to be creative at every turn. Stories with this premise have been written over 300+ times, going back as far as 2011. I didn't like them back then and I don't like them now. This story's only redeeming factor is its ending which threw me into a laughing fit, though that wasn't a feat of writing as much as it was timing.

🌟 Those were all the stories! 🌟

Thanks to everyone who participated, hope you all had fun! Sorry if you didn't win, but not everybody have what it takes to be the best. I hope you found my critic helpful and that it'll go a long way to help improve your future stories!

If you found some of these ratings were unfair, tough cookie! This is a contest and it's not my job to hold your hand. If you don't understand the mechanics of basic story telling or just can't be bothered to write a sincere story, then you only have your own incompetence to blame. Get good or get bent, loser! 🎷

Let’s hear another round of applauses for @patchworkpoltergeist​ amazing story! 👏👏👏 Wooooo~ 

[the-desolated-quill]

We Need To Talk About James Gunn - Quill’s Scribbles

This could prove to be the most controversial Scribble I’ve ever written on this blog, and the sad thing is it really shouldn’t be, in my opinion.

First off, a couple of disclaimers because I know some people are going to accuse me of ‘bias’. I’ve never been very fond of James Gunn as a filmmaker, it’s true. I thought the first Guardians Of The Galaxy movie was okay at best and I absolutely hated the sequel, but I confess that’s less to do with any inherent flaws in the films themselves and more to do with the fact that I just don’t like Gunn’s style of humour. Oh don’t get me wrong. There are still legitimate problems, which I’ll go into later when they become relevant, but I’m big enough to admit that my dislike for his brand of comedy and storytelling is merely due to my own subjective tastes (the same is true of Taika Waititi and Thor: Ragnarok).

Okay. So. Let’s talk about James Gunn.

As I’m sure most of you know, in July 2018, an alt-right conspiracy theorist called Mike Cernovich unearthed tweets made by Gunn between 2008 and 2012 where he made offensive jokes and remarks about sensitive topics such as rape, child abuse and paedophilia. While James Gunn did apologise and vowed to ‘do better,’ Disney, fearing the public backlash, fired Gunn as director of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 and dismissed him from any role in producing and expanding Marvel’s planned ‘Cosmic Universe.’ The result was the public backlash Disney were trying to avoid in the first place. They received a lot of criticism from various entertainers and filmmakers, as well as many media outlets such as Collider and The Independent, the cast of Guardians wrote a letter urging Disney to reconsider their decision with Dave Bautista in particular being very vocal in his criticism, and there was a massive outcry from fans who petitioned for Gunn to be rehired. Guy Lodge, writing for The Guardian, asked the question ‘Was James Gunn the first undeserving victim of Hollywood’s new zero tolerance policy?’ Now I’d argue the answer to that question is a definitive no, but apparently, and surprisingly, that’s not a very popular opinion among liberals. So I’d very much like to challenge them as we explore James Gunn’s moral character and ask ourselves why he’s being defended so passionately.

Before we go any further, I think it would be a good idea for me to show you some of the tweets that we’re talking about, just to remind everyone what we’re dealing with here.

Now I hope we can all agree that this is objectively disgusting. Only an amoral, depraved and utterly moronic individual would find offensive tweets like these even remotely funny. But I should make it clear that, by James Gunn’s own admission, these tweets represent who he was rather than who he is. In his apology, he described himself as a ‘provocateur’ during the early days of his career, making shocking statements for the purposes of ‘satire.’ But it’s okay because he’s a better person who has grown and matured fully and will never do this again. Fair enough, you’d think. He admitted what he did was wrong and apologised profusely. That was a very honourable and decent thing to do.

Except we’ve seen this song and dance before.

In 2012, roundabout when Marvel announced they were making a Guardians Of The Galaxy movie with James Gunn directing, an old blog post of Gunn’s resurfaced entitled ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With.’ The original post has since been deleted, but cached versions still exist here and there around the internet if you know where to look. Here are a few quotes from said blog:

[on natasha romanoff, the highest ~debut] “considering she’s fucked half the guys in the marvel universe, that’s quite a feat”

[on batwoman] “i’m hoping for a dc-marvel crossover so that tony stark can turn her; she could also have sex with nightwing and still be a lesbian”

”Many of the people who voted for the Flash were gay men. I have no idea why this is. But I do know if I was going to get fucked in the butt I too would want it to be by someone who would get it over with quick.”

Needless to say, this was quite offensive and causing bad PR, so James Gunn issued an apology:

“A couple of years ago I wrote a blog that was meant to be satirical and funny. In rereading it over the past day I don’t think it’s funny. The attempted humor in the blog does not represent my actual feelings. However, I can see where statements were poorly worded and offensive to many. I’m sorry and regret making them at all.

People who are familiar with me as evidenced by my Facebook page and other mediums know that I’m an outspoken proponent for the rights of the gay and lesbian community, women and anyone who feels disenfranchised, and it kills me that some other outsider like myself, despite his or her gender or sexuality, might feel hurt or attacked by something I said. We’re all in the same camp, and I want to do my best to make this world a better place for all of us. I’m learning all the time. I promise to be more careful with my words in the future. And I will do my best to be funnier as well. Much love to all – James”

Sound familiar?

Now of course it’s unfair to judge the man based on past actions that he himself apologised for. What matters is the present. Whether or not he has demonstrated to a reasonable standard that his work has grown and matured and that his offensive idiocy is a thing of the past. So let’s look at the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies.

While the first movie received critical acclaim, a few people (particularly fans of the source material) complained about how Gamora was treated. The so called ‘most powerful woman in the galaxy’ was reduced to a love interest, an occasional damsel in distress and there were a few odd occasions where she was objectified and degraded based on her sexual history. The most prominent example of which is when Drax describes her as ‘a green whore.’ The context being that he was ignorant of how offensive he was being despite trying to compliment her and call her a friend, and this was played for laughs in the movie. The second movie has more examples. Gamora’s role still paled in comparison to the role she played in the comics, and a new female character called Mantis was introduced whose power level from the comics was also significantly reduced for the movie and whose character was effectively reduced to be a punchline/punching bag. There’s also a scene involving Drax where he frequently describes her as ugly, saying that "when you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust." Again this is played for laughs. Except I’d argue that an adult man constantly fixating on a woman’s appearance isn’t even remotely funny. 

Another disturbing aspect of the Guardians 2 was the way it seemed to romanticise and excuse abusive relationships. Obviously there’s Drax and Mantis, but the biggest example is Star Lord and Yondu. The first movie did a reasonably good job establishing what drew Star Lord and Gamora together. They were both trying to escape from abusive father figures. The second film does a complete U-turn, calling Yondu Star Lord’s ‘David Hasselhoff’ and giving him a gratuitous and overly sentimental funeral as though he were a noble hero. While I’m sure the death of Yondu would emotionally impact Star Lord to a certain extent (he did raise the kid after all), to say that he’s like ‘David Hasselhoff’ because he’s a better dad than Ego the Living Planet was seems like a very low bar to clear. By that logic, Hitler was a good person because he didn’t kill as many people as Stalin did. It’s tone deaf, lacking in nuance and just a little bit insulting.

Bearing all this in mind, has James Gunn grown and matured since the period between 2008 and 2012? That’s for you to judge. I’d personally argue he hasn’t. Sure he’s no longer as extreme or provocative as he once was, but that’s not necessarily proof that he’s matured. Rather he’s just gotten better at hiding his immaturity. And in my own subjective opinion, based on his work, I think Disney made the right decision in sacking him. Now let me be clear, I don’t think Disney sacked him in order to take a moral stand as a lot of the problematic elements in the Guardians films have carried over into other MCU films. Gamora is still treated like shit in Avengers: Infinity War, and Thanos, who, like Yondu, was clearly established in the first Guardians movie as an abusive father figure, has been woobified and turned into a kind of sympathetic anti villain who actually cared about his daughter and only killed her because he had no other choice (as opposed to, you know, because he is a maniacal despot who’s a few Oompa Loompas short of a chocolate factory). The reason Gunn was fired was because of bad PR. Disney had dealt with this shit before in 2012 and they weren’t prepared to deal with it again, so they dropped the baggage, as it were. It’s a very common occurrence in Hollywood. Which is what makes the public backlash against this decision so puzzling to me.

I can understand being upset that the director of your favourite franchise has been fired, but can we try to get some perspective here? What happened to Gunn is nothing unique. This kind of thing happens all the time. A filmmaker does something controversial or has been revealed to have done something controversial in the past, the studio sacks them in an attempt to save face and everyone gets on with their lives. The situation with James Gunn is no different. The only reason I can see why people are so passionately against this is because of how these tweets were unearthed in the first place. Because the discoverer of the tweets, Mike Cernovich, is a member of the alt-right, the liberal community seem predisposed to dismiss this out of hand, which I think is incredibly dangerous. Okay, yes, Cernovich is a Nazi and almost certainly didn’t do this out of the goodness of his heart, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. It doesn’t change the fact that the tweets still exist and that they’re still incredibly offensive. And all the things I’ve heard people say in defence of James Gunn sound very similar to things the right would say about the likes of Brett Cavanaugh and Donald Trump. ‘It was x number of years ago.’ ‘It’s not relevant to who he is now.’ ‘He’s changed.’ ‘You can’t judge someone based on their past mistakes.’ I mean... come on guys! Either everyone should be held to the same standard or nobody should be held to standards at all. You can’t just change tact just because the person in question has the same political ideals as you. What are we saying? It’s okay for liberals to hold conservatives accountable for past actions and behaviour, but the right can’t do it to the left because apparently it’s not as funny when they do it? It’s classic ‘them and us’ mentality and it’s got to stop.

So, why am I bringing all this up, you may be asking? This happened over six months ago Quill. Aren’t you a little late to the party? Well a couple of days ago, it was announced that Warner Bros and DC Films had hired James Gunn to write and direct a sequel to Suicide Squad.

Well... sequel isn’t quite the right word. Apparently it’s more along the lines of a reimagining. Titled ‘The Suicide Squad’, the film is going to follow a whole new cast of characters and effectively start from scratch. No doubt this is part of WB and DC’s attempts to salvage the DC Extended Universe after the critical and financial disaster that was Justice League, as well as a response to people’s criticisms of the previous Suicide Squad film.

Writer/director David Ayer’s version of Suicide Squad was... let’s be charitable and call it problematic. Many people criticised the film for being misogynistic, borderline racist due to the one dimensional characterisation, and particular outrage was directed toward Ayer’s attempts to romanticise the relationship between the Joker and Harley Quinn. So it’s quite ironic that WB and DC are relying on James Gunn - James Gunn?!?! - to fix Suicide Squad when similar criticisms have been made toward the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies. That’s like hiring Harvey Weinstein to investigate sexual harassment claims.

And do you know what the funny thing is? We’ve been in this exact same situation before. In February 2017, news media started to report that WB and DC were eyeing Mel Gibson, the Oscar nominated director of Hawksaw Ridge and professional arsehole, to direct Suicide Squad 2. I even wrote a Scribble on it then. I heavily criticised WB and DC for caring more about snagging an Oscar nominated director to bolster their failing franchise than about holding certain ethical standards of decency within the industry. Oh, sure, Gibson has said many sexist, homophobic and antisemitic comments for years and has never at any point showed any hint of remorse for the amount of offence he’s caused, but he just made a good movie about Spider-Man fighting in World War II, so it all balances out, doesn’t it? We’re good, right? We’re cool. Gibson’s cool now. Yeah?

And now here we are seeing this play out again. James Gunn, a man who has said some incredibly offensive things over the years, is being hired by WB and DC to helm a new Suicide Squad movie and conveniently ignoring all the problematic shit surrounding him because he’s the guy that made those sci-fi films about the talking raccoon. People love those films. Let’s get him on board.

I’m getting so sick to death of actors and filmmakers getting away with shit and avoiding the consequences of their actions. James Gunn and his offensive tweets, Mel Gibson and his shitty behaviour, Kevin Hart and his temper tantrum when he was expected to apologise for being a homophobic prick. And the few times there are consequences for said actions, people of influence within the industry end up undermining it. WB and DC hiring James Gunn so soon after he was sacked by Disney, and Ellen fucking Degeneres ringing the Academy and persuading them to let Kevin Hart host the Oscars. Thankfully, and to his genuine credit, Hart turned it down, but seriously, what the actual fuck Ellen?! You’re LGBT, aren’t you? Why are you giving him a free pass? Do you have short term memory loss like the fish you voice in Finding fucking Nemo? Jesus Christ!

Finally, to people saying that Disney treated James Gunn too harshly for the tweets, may I remind you that when ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With’ resurfaced in 2012, Disney still kept him on! He still got to write and direct two Marvel movies before finally getting the sack. And he was in talks to lead production in all future ‘Cosmic’ Marvel movies going forward before the resurfaced tweets made that impossible. Too harshly? I think he got off extremely lightly, frankly. I think he’s grotesquely lucky he’s still got a job at all. Let alone a job where he continues to direct tentpole blockbusters. For someone who was treated ‘too harshly’, he’s sure done alright for himself, hasn’t he? He’s not Oliver Twist begging movie studios to give him a film, cap in hand, ‘please sir, may I have some more?’ His position hasn’t changed one iota. That’s what we should be pissed off at. Not that he’s being unfairly punished. That he’s not being punished enough roughly seven years after the fact.

So what should we take away from all this? That we need to hold everyone accountable for their past actions and behaviour, regardless of whether they share our political beliefs or whether they were involved in films we actually like, and that the industry needs to do a better job of upholding the consequences of said actions. And regardless of whether you thought Disney were right to sack James Gunn, it cannot be denied that WB and DC handing the keys of another profitable franchise over to him so soon after this controversy is an incredibly irresponsible thing to do.

[starwarsopinion]

‘Star Wars Fatigue’

Before we begin, I would like to say that this is my opinion! It is NOT my intention to insult or, in any way, hurt anybody’s feelings, but alas, it’s impossible for everyone to agree on everything. Somebody’s bound to get their knickers in a twist. So, I’m just going to apologize in advance to everyone who find the following displeasing.

As you may know, there has been a lot of talk about the so called ‘Star Wars fatigue’. I personally don’t find it surprising. Ever since Disney purchased Lucasfilm in October 30, 2012 (for $4.05 billion, mind you), the Star Wars franchise has gone downhill. One would expect Disney to treat such a beloved franchise with love and respect. But we fans don’t always get what we want, now do we?

Now, some might argue that Star Wars was already ruined by the prequels. I say that’s bullshit! I was but a little girl when I first saw all the movies, prequels first and then the originals. And I absolutely love all six movies! My favourite one as a little girl was the Phantom Menace. I know that might sound crazy to some, but as a little girl, I could really relate to young Anakin. Also, I found (still do) Qui-Gon Jinn so calming and great mentor! He has such a beautiful voice. It was perfect casting, and while we’re on topic of perfect casting, let’s take a look at a couple of other great casting choices: Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu are freaking perfect! I honestly can’t imagine anyone else playing these characters!

These characters, along with an infinite list of others, made a huge impact on me. They were well-written, relatable, lovable, and what’s more, the main villain was someone you could actually hate with every fiber of your body and soul. I don’t thinks there’s a single fan out there who wouldn’t love to throw Palpatine/Darth Sidious off a tall building. (Of course, I may be wrong.)

Now that I’m almost 21, I’ve fallen in love with these movies, and the franchise, even more. That is, until Disney came and fucked it all up for me. I don’t hate the new movies. I just don’t like them. They don’t feel like Star Wars. They feel like feminist propaganda, because let’s face it, there is a clear agenda behind practically all Hollywood movies these days, Captain Marvel for one, but I’m not going to talk about that. wanting and supporting female and LGBT+ rights is fine, but please, for the love of all that is good and pure, DON’T FORCE IT IN TO MOVIES!!

Marketing a leading female character as a ‘strong, independent female’ is downright obnoxious! These are strong words, but it’s my opinion, as a woman! Some people have been wrongly accusing men for outright female-hatred. I’m not saying that there isn’t men in the world who hate women, because there are, just like there are women who hate men. I’m saying that most men don’t hate women and have absolutely no problem with female characters, whether in leading role or a supporting role or as a random background character.

People like me who have a problem with today’s film-industry, specifically with how female role’s are being marketed, are not bad people. Some have said that if Alien had been released today, Sigourney Weaver as Ripley would have sparked out same kind of negative reviews as, say Captain Marvel and Rey. This is not true simply because Ripley had not been portrayed, at any point, as a ‘strong female character’. And that’s why she is an iconic character. Even I know her even though I’ve never actually seen the whole movie.

My point is, people would be much happier, more open-minded if we weren’t told beforehand how and what to think of a character. Let us make up our own minds! Rey was marketed over and over again as a ‘strong female character’ and that’s what I expected to see in the movie, but when I saw The Force Awakens, I was brutally disappointed. Instead of a character I could relate to, I was given a mere shadow of what she could have been. I find Rey incredibly annoying. Of course, there are a lot of issues with the new movies, but this would get out of hand if I started to write about that as well...

I brought up the ‘Star Wars fatigue’ and as Mark Hamill himself has said, yes it is possible it exists. The conversation of the topic was fueled by Solo’s bad performance in the box-office, which, in my opinion, is due to the hate The Last Jedi got. I don’t hate the Last Jedi, but I certainly don’t like it. I hate what they did to the character of Luke Skywalker! It’s not right, fit or proper! As for the Solo, I actually kind of liked it. Sure, it has some issues as well, but compared to Force Awakens, Last Jedi and Rogue One, it was pretty damn good.

Cinemablend made a poll about ‘Star Wars fatigue’, and by the time I answered it, the results were as follows:

44% said that they aren’t as excited about the franchise as they used to be, whereas 33% said they are still excited about the future of Star Wars. 23% (that includes me) said they have mixed feelings and 2% said ‘other’. Now, I have mixed feelings because I still love Star Wars and I’m kind of excited to see the new movies, but at the same time I’m terrified. What if it gets worse? Rogue One is, in my opinion, the worst Star Wars movie ever made. I had been wondering for so long how the Rebels got the schematics of the Death Star, and that’s what Disney came up with?! What the hell?! It was garbage and garbage won’t do! Again, I know that many enjoyed that movie, no offence intended. This is my opinion that I’m entitled to have!

So yeah, I’m not as excited as I used to be about Star Wars, but man was I hyped when they saved the Clone Wars! Though that was clearly a political stunt to get some of the fan base back and excited on something that so many love.

I have one final point that I’d like to share with you:

Disney’s Star Wars: Episode VIII.V - All The Projects Blown Away Like Alderaan.

LucasArts was working on Star Wars Force Unleashed III video-game and what did Disney do? On April 2013 Disney shut down LucasArts, fired several of its employees and canceled several of its projects. So, no Force Unleashed III, no ending for the Starkiller’s story-arch, no amazing video-game what so ever. This sucks because I really liked those games. I want to know what happens to Rahm Kota, Starkiller, etc. But I’ll never get my answer. Because the games, the comics, the whole Star Wars Expanded Universe, or Legends, is no longer canon. Disney just picks bits and pieces and makes their own stuff.

And these are some of the reasons I have felt ‘Star Wars fatigue’and why I think Disney Ruined Star Wars. This has been a long rant. But I just wanted to get this off my chest. As we can establish, the phenomenon that is known as ‘Star Wars fatigue’ is quite real and Disney really needs to take it in account.

Hope you guys enjoyed this, sorry if I offended anyone and may the Force be with you! :)

@madamrogers 

[cap-ironman]

2017 Holiday Exchange and Community Gifts Creator Reveals & Event Masterlist

This year, we got 102 works submitted for our event! That is amazing. Thank you all very much for participating--writing, arting (and knitting!), submitting the prompts for the Comm Gifts, cheerleading the creators, and beta-reading! We hope you had lots of fun :) The full event masterlist together with the creators of each work is here under the read more! IT’S LONG AND AMAZING.

Unmade by laireshi for Kiyaar (616, 3600 words) "He looked exactly like you," Tony hears himself say. "I knew it wasn’t you, but he looked like you, so I believed he wouldn’t hurt me." Why is he telling Steve that? "He told me you loved me," Tony continues. Maybe he just wants it all to hurt. Maybe if it hurts enough, it’ll finally end once and for all. All I Want For Christmas by scifigrl47 for Mozzarella (MCU, 6300 words) It's the Christmas season, and all Steve wants is a little privacy. All Tony wants is a date. All thanks to Justin Hammer- Wait, what?? by afincf_tirwer for adarksweetness (MCU, 2900 words) Tony ends up for auction at a charity ball. Steve ends up with a ticket. But with both boys smitten and unable to address it, well, that leads to complications. Which leads to this story. All the Difference in the World by Winterstar for Lunatical (Avengers Academy, 7200 words) It's Tony's luck that on his first date with Steve away from the Academy, they end up abducted by AIM agents and it looks like their boss just might reveal Tony's big secret. Ribot’s Law by Veldeia for Winterstar (MCU, 19600 words) Steve Rogers doesn't know he's Captain America. The ice erased his memories. It's up to Tony to convince him. And teach him how to be Captain America again. Soulmates by HeroSkatman for lazywriter7 (Ultimates, art) (art; no summary) This town ain't big enough (for the lot of us) by Bill_Longbow for Cap Iron Man Community (Multi, 1400 words) For the prompt: Identity Porn+Multiverse. Two Steve's from different universes get into a fight over which of their crushes is better: Tony Stark or Iron Man. A Wish Your Heart Makes by a_salty_alto for Cap Iron Man Community (Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), 2000 words) A fill for the Community prompt "Tony Stark: disney princess and friend to all living things." Conditioning by One and Five Nines for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, NSFW art) Fill for the prompt: Tony has some wild, possibly dub-conny sex with Winter Soldier!Steve. Coffee War Christmas by Neverever for Caped-Ace (Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, 7000 words) After realizing that he loves Steve, Tony finds out that he might have missed his opportunity to ask Steve out. Astable by Ironlawyer for ranoutofrun (616, 4100 words) Extremis was supposed to make him stronger, but after the fight with Mallen, Tony loses control and Steve struggles to handle a Tony who’s falling apart at the seams. Staking A Claim by ChibiSquirt for Leio_Rossi (MCU, 8700 words) When Sarah Gwen Rogers meets Natasha Stark, Tasha says, "My dad used to rave about you. That marvelous Captain America and how amazing she was, how good... It's too bad his little girl didn't follow in her footsteps." But as it turns out, there's rather a lot Howard Stark didn't know about Gwen. It Takes Only a Moment by Dophne for gottalovev (MCU, 3900 words) Steve and Tony have been in love for months and it took one stubborn tug and a giving mind for them to find out that the feelings were mutual. Eigengrau by vorkosigan for marinarusalka (MCU, 16800 words) Tony is captured; he doesn't know by whom, or why. He doesn't know how much time has passed since. What he knows is, he can now hear something in the adjacent cell, and that 'something' sounds a lot like Steve Rogers. I hope you have a White One (But for me it's Blue) by mitochondrials for fandomfrolics (Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), 1400 words) Tony's never really been a fan of the holidays, even now with Steve and the team. But that doesn't stop Steve from coercing him with cookies and ... Christmas trees? Enchanted by kikijpn1121 for Impala_Chick (Avengers Academy, art) Amora the Enchantress' truth spell worked... as not she had expected. So Much That I Wanna Do by ChibiSquirt for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 4900 words) Steve wants Tony, but Tony has a boyfriend. Then Tony's boyfriend talks him into a Public Use fantasy, and it's a little too tempting for Steve to resist. Based on this prompt: Tony is left out for public use, Steve takes his turn. I Search Myself (I Want You to Find Me) by tisfan for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 3100 words) [NSFW] 5 times Steve jerked off to Tony while out in the wilderness + 1 time he jerked off on Tony Almost Feelings by XtaticPearl for Neverever (MCU, 6500 words) Steve never knew what life he could have lived or how the present would have been different if he had died in the ice. He didn't think he would ever handle thinking about either without losing control. Tony doesn't want to think about how his life could have been different if Steve had never crashed or hadn't come back. He didn't think he could handle giving that much control to missed chances. It was probably ironic that such men should find each other. It was definitely amusing that they such men should love each other. Sleepy Boyfriends and Lovesick Fools by Lunatical for palindrome (MCU, 2100 words) For the prompt: Tony is always falling asleep in weird places; Steve loves carrying him to bed. (not) Chasing Tomorrow by Mozzarella for izazov (616, 2900 words) In which Steve Rogers makes the most of a time loop by falling in love Ghosts of the Gilded Age by teaberryblue for ladyshadowdrake (Marvel Comics, 20600 words) In 1883 New York, Tony Stark, millionaire inventor, is a man of science, reason, and a sense of humor that other people sometimes even appreciate. That's why he has no time for the latest popular obsession with seances, the supernatural, and the afterlife. Until a ghost finds him. Watercolors by palindrome for MiniRaven (MCU, 4300 words) At a masked art gallery event Tony hits it off with Steve, but they end up separating before they can exchange information. Cue Tony starting a mad search to find Steve. I Told You So by thudworm for dapperanachronism (MCU, 1900 words) Holiday Exchange Fill for the prompt: Steve and Tony are out one afternoon on a walk or some such. One of them ends up getting hit on very obnoxiously. The attention is very clearly making them uncomfortable. The other steps in and saves the moment, with an awkward follow up conversation once they're alone again. The light at the end of the tunnel by Shaliara for Ironlawyer (616, art) There is freedom there. Touch Wood by Ironlawyer for Cap Iron Man Community (Ultimate, 1900 words) Steve likes jerking off outside. He likes jerking off outside even better when Tony is there to watch. Maybe with enough duct tape by Bill_Longbow for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 3500 words) This was a stupid plan, so very, very stupid, but given the choice he would rather face one disappointed Steve than a horde of disappointed Carbonells. Even though Tony forgot to mention he broke up with his boyfriend and Rhodey refuses to dye his hair it might all work out in the end. Open for Christmas by FestiveFerret for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 9000 words) It was Christmas fucking Eve, in the middle of fucking nowhere, and his car was completely fucking dead. Fuck. Paper Boats by Juulna for Reddwarfer (MCU, 14200 words) Tony never thought that he'd be asked to come to Wakanda, let alone by Steve. What was even more unexpected was that Steve had no memory of the last two and a half years. Written for the prompt: 'Amnesia helps Steve/Tony forgive each other.' "Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water; anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel, the freedom to flow; water that you gathered in one place and left to forget. Stagnant water becomes dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, deadly; that is your hate. On flowing water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human." ― C. JoyBell C. east of my youth, west of my future by foldingcranes for MsErmestH (616, 2600 words) There are two sets of memories in Steve’s mind. Two lives lived. Are they equally real? Steve doesn't know anymore. Don’t Let Me Down (Got a Lot Going On Right Now) by sheron for soniclipstick (Avengers Academy, 5100 words) A failed chemistry experiment in the lab means Tony has to take off his gauntlet. In front of Steve. Who has never seen him without it before. Try Again by Impala_Chick for tsukiharu (MCU, 2500 words) For the prompt: AU in which Post-CACW!Tony is sent back in time (by Dr. Strange) to prevent War, but things go wrong and he meets Pre-serum!Steve. There Tony learns a lot of things about Steve (and ends up helplessly falling for him). Can You Feel My Heart Again by IndigoNight for Rowantreeisme (MCU, 5300 words) Tony has a nightmare and over reacts. The bots worry. And Steve is very stubborn. The Perfect Tree by MK_Yujji for frosted_astronaut (MCU, 4200 words) Who knew that finding the perfect Christmas tree could be such an adventure? The Sound of Bells by SarkaS for teaberryblue (616, Art + 510 words) Gift for lovely teaberryblue who wished for Steve/Tony Regency AU. I've done my very best and hope you'll enjoy your gift! Everything You Desire by cptxrogers for Cap Iron Man Community (Any, 4300 words) After a run-in with an unfamiliar villain, Steve ends up tied up and left with a vibrator up his ass. This is not the kind of battle he was expecting. Just as well Tony is there to help him out. Exposed by FestiveFerret, SirSapling for Cap Iron Man Community (Ultimates, 5900]) Of all the people Steve could be stuck with while this agonizing drug surged through him, of course, it had to be Tony Stark. A Proportional Response by MsErmestH for mitochondrials (Ultimates, 11400 words) Steve doesn't have a reason for cock-blocking Tony. No reason, whatsoever. Not even past by marinarusalka for XtaticPearl (MCU, 6100 words) Tony meets a painful reminder of his past, and Steve gets caught in the fallout. Headin’ Down the Atlanta Highway by fandomfrolics for PannaNat (Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), 4000 words) Tony and Steve are tricked into taking a road trip together. Cue lots of UST in a moving, compact space. The Persistence of Memory by ladyshadowdrake for laireshi (616, 4400 words) Director Stark has an office he hates, a job he doesn't want, and the fallout from a war he doesn't remember to handle. A late night meeting with Steve turns into an argument, but that's nothing unusual for them anymore. The way it ends is certainly new. Like Cats and Dogs by kenshincha for SarkaS (Avengers Academy, 1000 words) "This is so embarrassing!" Tony exclaimed, his hands firmly on his head. Loki sighed, looking at his nails. "Calm down." "Calm down?!" Tony snarled and took his hands down. The black cat ears on the top of his head angled back, and the black tail poking out of his pants swished in agitation. "It's not my fault you bumped into me while I was studying arcane lore in the Timeless Archives." Loki smirked. "Be happy you still have thumbs." All My Roads Lead Back To You by Reddwarfer for Dophne (MCU, 5700 words) Tony and Steve find their way back into each other's lives in the most Steve and Tony way possible. The only things that stand between them talking things out are one of them being a fugitive, the Accords, Everett Ross, Hydra, and their own stubbornness. In the Catacombs of Paris by Lets_call_me_Lily for Veldeia (Noir, Art) While exploring the catacombs of Paris looking for the magical ring of Princess Angelica, famous adventurer Tony Stark and his steadfast new chronicler Steve Rogers become trapped after a tunnel collapses... Serenity Oasis by FestiveFerret for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 19800 words) Waking up with the last six months erased from his mind was bad enough, but apparently some time in that missing period, Steve went from hating Tony to marrying him... or was it all a cover for a mission? You Want It Darker by laireshi for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1800 words) When Steve kisses him, he tastes like champagne. Or: Hydra Steve has a gift for Tony. Pride by Meatball42 for MK_Yujji (MCU, 1700 words) This year, Steve wouldn’t have to watch the Pride parade from inside a cold, lonely suite while other New Yorkers like him celebrated. He would be a part of it, free to speak his mind, in this strange new world, in a way he’d never dared before. Black Silk and Plastic Touches by Caped-Ace for Sineala (616, 5600 words) They say you should try walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Well, the New Avengers are more the partying than walking kind, which leads to masquerade shenanigans and everyone dressing up in each other's worst costumes. Cue Tony hiding away in the workshop to make the perfect outfit for the occasion, with its silly half-cowl and low-cut neckline that should be illegal. Enter the long lost Nomad, the Tony Stark remix, featuring Steve with rollerblades. Retention by ranoutofrun for Shaliara (616, 3400 words) Steve and Tony find themselves in the hospital from a sudden and terrible attack, after cleaning up a dime a dozen villain wannabe on their date. One of them gets out relatively unscathed, as the other looks on, it becomes more apparent that this may not be entirely so. Unfound his Treasure by diabla616 for magicasen (Ultimates, 2800 words) A year later Steve Rogers again wakes up in a SHIELD medical facility, with no memories of having done this once already. In Your Warmth I Forget How Cold It Can Be by izazov for genderfluid_pigeon (MCU, 28000]) Tony's relationship with Steve Rogers was complicated at best, volatile at worst. It didn't change the fact that they kept ending up sharing a bed. And not in the fun way. Not again! by Lanidzac for kenshincha (Avengers Academy, Art) [Art Fill] Hogwarts AU: Slytherin!Tony keeps trying new experiments in the potion lab that keep exploding. Gryffindor!Steve is horrified and is trying is best to keep Tony from killing himself. Baby Alpaca Love Letters by FestiveFerret for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 5700 words) Someone is leaving beautiful, perfect, warm, soft, knitted gifts for Tony, and he'd really like to know who. And why. Hold on when you get love (so you can let go when you give it) by MsErmestH for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 2500 words) Steve's thrown for a loop when dozens of babies, belonging to the Tonys and Steves of the extinct multiverse, mysteriously appear. But he's not confused to find out that there were universes where he loved Tony. He's only surprised to learn that there were universes where Tony loved him back. a kind of macabre and somber Wondertwin type of harmony by MsErmestH for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 2800 words) Steve didn’t bring much with him when he left New York to explore the rest of America—just his motorcycle, the shield, a change of clothes, and the memories of his Hydra-counterpart. Now, after six months on the road, he's stuck in a hell of his own creation. It's a hell with no room for Tony Stark, who just happens to be standing in the middle of his motel room. it’s not the magic, darling (i was already under your spell) by soniclipstick for Meatball42 (Avengers Academy, 6300 words) When a lust spell cast by Amora goes awry, it’s Tony that takes the brunt of it. Steve’s sure Tony’s fine by now. After all, he flirts like he breathes, and someone is bound to give him a hand, or so the saying goes. Fortunately for him, Tony has a pet unicorn who’s happy to set the facts straight. With a little help from Natasha, of course. EVEN THE WIND CAN FEAR by clumsykitty for jiokra (Marvel 1872, 13600 words) In the lost town of Timely, things do not go well and with the appearance of a crossroads demon offering Tony something he wants above all things, only magic and a pair of extra hands can help the blacksmith succeed between demons and Pale Riders conspiring against him. Nothing to Forgive by Sineala for HeroSkatman (Marvel 616, 4800 words) Steve's roadtrip across America is derailed by the news that Tony's comatose body has disappeared. He unhesitatingly volunteers to join the search, even as he wonders what Tony will think of him when he finds him, and if their relationship can ever be the same again. between the stardust and the sand by adarksweetness for clumsykitty (MCU, crossover with multiple verses, 3800 words) In a world that's always changing, soulmates are a perpetual feeling. Or, Steve and Tony get a visitor from the far-flung future. (the more I get to know you) the less I know by Fluffypanda for Juulna (MCU, 7700 words) Everytime Steve thinks he knows something about Tony, it gets turn on it's head. aka Sam asks Steve to babysit his nephew, Tony gets kidnapped, and everybody learns something new. A dazzling place I never knew by PannaNat for diabla616 (MCU, art) What if Tony found Steve on his own and helped him adjusting to the new world? A small series of drawings. Portrait of the Artist as a Young Woodchuck by teaberryblue for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel Comics, 2450 words) Steve paints Tony. The Thing About History (Is That It's Doomed to Repeat) by heartsandmuses for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 19200 words) As far as rough weekends went, this was, hands-down, the worst Tony ever had — and considering one of the runner-ups involved being kidnapped by a terrorist group and held prisoner in a cave with a car battery hooked up to his chest, that was really saying something. Still, at least there weren’t any dinosaurs in Afghanistan. All Better by FestiveFerret, SirSapling for Cap Iron Man Community (Ultimates, 4700 words + art) The first time it happened, Steve almost clocked Tony in the face. Do-Over by gottalovev for ChibiSquirt (MCU, 14578 words) Steve woke up six months ago into a future that leaves him indifferent. There is work, and not much else. His current mission is a basic search and rescue operation to retrieve an American who was kidnapped by a terrorist group ten days ago. He won't let the fact that the hostage is Howard's son be a distraction. Our Love Is A Ghost That The Others Can't See by Kiyaar for navaan (Marvel 616, 11329 words) Post-Civil War, canon-divergent from Director of SHIELD. In Tony’s dreams, he is back in the street, in a crater, the city on fire around him. Steve kneels over him and beats him to within an inch of his life. It’s his favorite place to go, these days. Like A Painting by magicasen for scifigrl47 (MCU, 3740 words) Tony wasn't sure what compelled him to go for it. A dare? Curiosity? A check on the bucket list? Either way, what mattered was that Steve Rogers had never found a challenge he wouldn't take. Ghosts of Fanboys Past by MiniRaven for thudworm (MCU, 11940 words) As a kid, Tony practically worshiped Captain America. He read every comic book, treasured every poster, every playing card. To say he was obsessed would be an understatement. Thank goodness Tony's early fanboy days were far behind him. Or, at least, they would be if AIM hadn't kidnapped Tony, reached into his time stream, and pulled out the six year old version of him who was absolutely smitten with Captain America. Or, as Tony liked to call it, Tuesday. After being rescued by the newly reformed Avengers, Tony realizes he's got a lot on his plate. Not only does he have to figure out how to send said kid back to the past, but he also has to deal with his teammate's strange infatuation with his younger self. Specifically tell his new boyfriend, Steve Rogers, that this kid is not adorable. You should not listen to him. You should not encourage him. Why do you let him say all these embarrassing things. Child, stop. You're embarrassing me. No, don't do that. Stop. Please stop. For the love of god, someone please shut him up! When I Say Team, When I Say Follow by navaan for foldingcranes (Avengers Assemble, 4788 words) The Avengers are back together, but what does that mean for his relationship with Steve? Out of Time by tsukiharu for vorkosigan (MCU, art) Tony goes back to when Steve hasn't taken the serum yet, falls in love, and asks Steve not to get on the plane (so he'd be able to stay with his friends, instead of lost and hopeless in the future). Except, Steve remembers Tony from that time and doesn't take the plane to be able to meet him again. Never Let You Go by cptxrogers for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel 616, 3300 words) It's the return of Tiberius Stone and his evil virtual reality technology! Things are just perfect for Tony. He is happy with his Avengers family, his company is doing great, and he and Steve are deeply in love and finally getting to enjoy their life together. So why doesn't it feel right? Tactical Field Care by Veldeia for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel Noir, 8410 words) One unlucky shot is enough to turn a mission in occupied France into a nightmare, but Steve isn't going to leave Tony behind, no matter what. The Icing on the Cake by teaberryblue, GrayJay for Cap Iron Man Community (Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heros, 1422 words) Tony Stark decorates a cake. (Don't) Want To Remember by laireshi for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel 616, 1830 words) After Civil War, Steve and Tony don't want to so much as even talk to each other--but then they're trapped in a snowstorm and are forced to cuddle. It works out better than expected. Easier by laireshi for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel 616, 757 words) 505 noun (informal) 1. The thing which is simultaneously keeping you alive and killing you, often used to describe a person who you're in love with (but who may be bad for you) Streetlight Sonata by Rowantreeisme for Lets_call_me_Lily (MCU, 2300 words) Steve Rogers can't sleep. He follows the music. Even When I Don't Remember by dapperanachronism for IndigoNight (MCU, 2500 words) Steve doesn’t remember him. More accurately, Steve doesn’t remember any of them, or anything before his kidnapping. But right now, Tony is selfishly only concerned over the fact that Steve doesn’t remember him. Do Me The Honour, It's For A Good Cause by laireshi for sheron (616, 2700 words) Tony finds the perfect way to make everyone trust Steve again: he just has to propose to him. Undercover Steve by Neverever for kikijpn1121 (Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), 3400 words) Steve pines for Tony while the team goes undercover as customers at a strip club. Always Honest by FestiveFerret for afincf_tirwer (MCU, 3800 words) “It’s a truth spell,” Clint admitted. “It forces you to answer any question asked with the truth, until it wears off.” A Life That's Full by fictionforlife for Fluffypanda (Marvel Noir, art) Noir, pre-serum Steve, adventure, and bed sharing. Curiosity Killed the Cat (Satisfaction Brought It Back) by Sandrene09 for Cap Iron Man Community (Ambiguous Universe, 23000 words) Written for the 2017 Cap-Ironman Holiday Exchange: Community Prompts: Tony has a major crush on Captain America despite not knowing who he is beneath the mask. He gets turned into a cat and the only way to turn back is for someone he loves to love him as he is. He obviously doesn’t have a chance with Cap. After wandering the streets, he gets taken in by an ordinary guy named Steve, who turns out to be pretty great, maybe even his chance at breaking the curse. The Price of Love by Ironlawyer for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1600 words) Tony lingers, burned into Steve’s life and heart. How do you learn to live alone again? Nothing Much, but Everything by navaan for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1500 words) It had always been that way between them and Steve had never examined it. Better than a Bodyguard by ashes0909 for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 1800 words) Steve was making his way from the quad to a small, stony alcove to escape the sun when he heard someone sniffling. If I Didn't Have Your Love by laireshi for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1600 words) “We need to end this,” Tony said. Steve felt cold all over. “I love you,” Tony said. “I will always love you. But I can’t do it.” He was shaking, on the verge of tears, and Steve understood something terrible had happened. To The End Of Love by laireshi for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 2500 words) Steve's been married to Tony for years when the Stamford disaster happens and the Superhero Registration Act tears the superhero community apart. When Tony disagrees with Steve, Steve still expects Iron Man to follow him: he's his best friend, for one, and he's chosen to keep his identity a secret from everyone. But Iron Man also fights against him. And then Steve smashes his faceplate open. Selvedge by Justamanlymouse for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 1600 words) Selvedge - The raw edge of a piece of knitted fabric. Steve Rogers lets his mind wander over his and Tony's relationship as he works on knitting Tony's Christmas present. Man is a Wolf to Man by Sineala for Cap Iron Man Community (616 AU, 4200 words) When Antonius is falsely accused and convicted of murdering an ambassador, he is condemned to death by the wild beasts of the arena. But the wolf sent to kill him is something rather more than he ever expected. A Gentle Touch by Dio_Pardalis for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 1150 words) Clint showed Steve a particular competition program. The artist that he is Steve takes the chance to try some of it on his own with Tony as the target. Strangers Now by FestiveFerret for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 7650 words) Back in middle school, Tony Stark was Steve's whole world school until Tony's parents packed up and moved him to LA. Steve hasn't seen him in ten years, and then he bumps into the kid living in the dorm room across the hall - and it's Tony. But Tony doesn't remember Steve. A Gift for Past Joy and Future Gain by navaan for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 2200 words) He wasn't exactly surprised to see Steve's very neat handwriting on the little tag, but had to admit his throat went a little dry when he recognized it. Whatever Our Souls Are Made Of by erde for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 3700 words) They were always close. They could have been holding hands, but they weren't. Steve eventually reaches out to Tony. Even after all that's happened, some things remain the same. Steve Rogers is Going to Hell by ChibiSquirt for Cap Iron Man Community (Ambiguous Universe, 700 words + knitting (photos)) Steve, being an old-timey soldier from before current gender norms, knits. That's... not exactly why he's going to Hell, but the two facts are definitely related. I Can't Exactly Hold Your Hair Back by SirSapling for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel Ultimates, 4000 words) Steve had never particularly been a person people had turned to for comfort when ill, he mostly just wished people better and went on his way. However, this is Tony, and a sense of obligation wells up within him that he needs to help, but he’s completely lost as to how. won't let it take you from me by navaan for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel Noir, 2100 words) Tony is injected with the Zemo formula and things don't look good, but Steve doesn't want to give up on him. Dungeoneering by ranoutofrun for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1500 words) Whoever said Clint and D&D sessions don't mix? Sucker Punch by Sineala for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 20000 words) Steve never quite warms to Tony Stark, Avengers benefactor. The Molecule Man never strips Iron Man out of his armor. Life goes on for the Avengers, but as disagreements split the team -- and Shellhead and Winghead -- again and again, Steve wonders why Iron Man always picks Tony over him. And when Steve finds out, it happens in the worst way possible. Happenstance and all that by gottalovev for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 7400 words) It's been six months since the Battle of New York and Tony is exhausted. The last thing he expected on Christmas' Eve was to meet Steve Rogers again by accident, in Central Park. Heart With No Companion by laireshi for Cap Iron Man Community (616/MCU crossover, 1800 words) Hydra Cap captures MCU Tony and thinks it's a great idea to charm him into waking 616 Tony from his coma. A Catastrophe of Epic Pawportions by FestiveFerret for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 6100 words) Tony's being held hostage for his genius engineering skills again, but at least this time he has Steve with him. Well, and the rest of the Avengers. But they've been turned into kittens. Red by FestiveFerret for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 2600 words) Part of him wanted to remember what horrible thing he'd done. Part of him was deeply grateful that he couldn't. Be sure to comment on the works you liked! Were your guesses right? Are you surprised at something? The guessing post is still open for reaction comments ;) And finally, if you participated in the event, feel free to post your work wherever you want now! We will be reblogging every tumblr post tagged with #capimexchange in one of the first five tags. Thank you for a great event, 2017 Holiday Exchange and Community Gifts mods, Laireshi, FestiveFerret, Salmastryon, Navaan, Tisfan

[wazafam]

Despite a build-up of promise, the finale episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier failed overall. The finale found Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie) and Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan) squaring off in a final battle against the anarchist terrorist group the Flag-Smashers, led by Karli Morgenthau (Erin Kellyman), who were intent on assassinating the Global Repatriation Council on the eve of an important vote. As is usual with Marvel movies and TV shows, some plot lines were resolved, other stories were set up, and hints at brand-new superheroes from the comics entering the MCU were dropped.

The six-episode miniseries (or season, if it gets an order for season 2) tackled a number of complex topics along the way, some poignantly and others seemingly just check a box off on a list. Along with the central problem of the Flag-Smashers, Sam's individual struggle was learning to come to terms with being the first Black man to be Captain America while Bucky was dealing with laying the ghosts of his past as the Winter Soldier to rest. Helmut Zemo (Daniel Brühl) also featured in the series as Bucky and Sam's temporary ally – at least before Ayo and some of the Dora Milaje showed up for a subplot involving tracking him down and returning him to prison. Meanwhile, the Flag-Smashers and their cause were also given screen time, if not exactly clear focus.

Related: Captain America 4: Sam's MCU Future After Falcon & Winter Soldier Explained

It's a lot of plot to wrap up in a single finale episode, and while some of the lesser storylines were resolved earlier (or largely forgotten entirely), the finale had quite a few major stories and loose ends to juggle. Unfortunately, it failed in that aim. It's telling that overall, the first season of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is at a solid 87% on Rotten Tomatoes, but the finale is currently sitting at a dismal 59%. The general consensus is that the final episode was a letdown for a few reasons.

It's hard to overstate how little happened for an episode of 52 minutes. The attempted GRC takeover and battle is a whopping 25 minutes of the episode. Sam's speech is another four. And the credits, minus the brief mid-credits scene, eat up nine minutes of those 51 minutes. In essence, one single battle and follow-up speech takes up two-thirds of the entire episode. That's just poor pacing. For a series that dealt with a number of weighty issues, the finale being reduced to one big punch-'em-up fight was an enormous letdown and a regression in terms of storytelling.

In fairness, it's worth noting that Covid-19 forced delays in production, but more, it also forced a number of considerable changes to the story itself. There was reportedly a virus storyline that had to be cut in light of the current pandemic and it's been confirmed that Julia Louis-Dreyfus's Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine was supposed to make her first appearance in Black Widow but it ended up being introduced in Falcon & Winter Soldier after release date delays forced the Marvel film to be bumped back by more than a year and release after the Disney+ show. The Covid seams were clear throughout the series: some plotlines were dropped completely and characters disappeared for episodes at a time, other storylines were rushed or lacked clarity, and the editing was at times jumpy. There was enough great chemistry between the two lead stars, gravitas provided by Carl Lumbly as Isaiah Bradley, and thought-provoking moments to mostly carry the series through the first five episodes. But in the finale, the wheels finally fell completely off. With so many stories that needed to be given time to bring them to a close in a satisfying manner, the finale felt like an episode centered on one fight and then cobbled together with the scraps of whatever footage was left.

One of the most surprising and disappointing elements of the finale was how painfully hamfisted and on the nose much of the dialogue was. Sam Wilson's speech at the end sounded less like an organic moment and more as if Anthony Mackie would turn to the camera at any minute and say, "In case you didn't notice, I'm laying out my manifesto as the Black Captain America" before winking and turning back to the other characters. Likewise, the callback dialogue between two Black male characters of, "Hey, it's Black Falcon!" "No. That's Captain America." was so absurdly unnecessary and cheesy that more than a few people on social media commented on how it made them laugh aloud – not the reaction one would want from the audience during what's supposed to be an inspiring and serious moment.

Related: How Did Marvel Get The Falcon & The Winter Soldier So Wrong?

Before the finale, Falcon and the Winter Soldier tackled complex issues like being Black in America and what it means to be a hero or a villain with a morally gray touch and often an ambiguous stance. That approach allowed audiences to debate scenes, think about the messages they sent, and draw their own conclusions. The entire point of the series through the first five episodes was to underscore that in a post-Blip MCU, the line between good guys and bad guys is thin, and the world is no longer so black and white. Thus, the finale delivering Sam's big moment as nothing more than a heavy-handed morality play was jarring. It felt like an episode written for the audience Marvel was worried hadn't quite gotten the first five episodes and the issues they explored. Unfortunately, in doing so, it undermined what the series had done to that point. One good thing did come out of Sam's pointed speech, however: It finally explained what exactly the Flag-Smashers were trying to stop the GRC from doing, a point that hadn't exactly been made clear in the series.

Both Karli and Sharon Carter (Emily Van Camp) got the short end of the stick in the finale. Karli Morgenthau's arc felt like a regression to Phase 1 of the MCU, when villains were little more than 2D constructs serving as walking plot catalysts and then killed off as soon as their function was served. Karli's character being underwritten and her motivations unclear were major issues throughout the series, but her being casually killed at the hands of Sharon Carter and dying quickly only served to underscore how little audiences ever truly learned about her character. Viewers were given a surface explanation of what she and the Flag-Smashers wanted, but not exactly why, what Karli's own personal motivations were, or what happened in her past to turn her into such a zealot. What could and should have been a poignant moment with her death turned into merely a plot point resolution to tick off the list.

As for Sharon Carter, her character has suffered in a similar way over a longer period of time. The MCU has never quite known what to do with Sharon, giving her moments of showing her bravery and heroism only to waste her potential or turn her into a will-they/won't-they potential love interest of Steve Rogers. In theory, she went on the run for a few years, disappeared in the Blip, then returned with everyone else a few months ago. In the interim, it was established she'd made a nice life for herself as an art thief and forger in Madripoor. However, it was later revealed Sharon Carter was the Power Broker and, in the mid-credits scene, that she'd gone full-on villain. While it's exciting to know that her character may finally get the interesting writing and screentime she's deserved, Sharon's heel-turn never felt fully earned, especially for a woman who well knew that she'd be a rogue agent and exiled for doing what she did during the events of Captain America: Civil War. In the unseen interim, there was an enormous change in Sharon's personality, evidenced by her unceremoniously killing Karli, who was still just a kid, a line Sharon never would have crossed before. If there was a story that justified Sharon's new ruthless coldness, it's not one the audience was privy to and so her turn to villainy doesn't sit right. Not yet, anyway.

Throughout the series, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier tackled fraught topics from dealing with PTSD and trauma to racism. Some of those topics it did great justice to, others, not as much. The series should be commended for swinging for the fences with some of the issues it explored; the show was timely, with many of the conversations it evoked necessary and long-overdue. It's well past time for Marvel to start exploring difficult issues with thoughtfulness and depth.

Related: Falcon And The Winter Soldier: Why Bucky Said He Failed Twice

However, the speed and ease with which a number of these issues were resolved in the finale did them a disservice. After a single, unseen conversation with Yori (Ken Takemoto) in which Bucky finally came clean about having killed Yori's son when he was the Winter Soldier, Bucky decides he no longer needs therapy, apparently magically cured. In just a few days, 90 years of trauma were seemingly resolved and put to bed, which isn't how it works. Likewise, after brutally murdering a man in an uncontrolled rage and then trying to also kill Bucky and Sam, John Walker, too, is suddenly restored to being of sound mind after one moment in which he sacrificed vengeance for heroism. While Walker making the decision not to punish the bad guys but to save the innocent (or as innocent as the GRC can be), is a big step toward redemption, the fact of his sometimes considerably unstable mental state remains. Neither that nor his very recent transgressions were so much as once mentioned in the finale, however.

But the finale failed Isaiah Bradley perhaps most of all. His story was tragic, horrific, and heartbreaking; the decades of torture and suffering and neglect he'd endured at the hands of the U.S. government shaping him into understandable bitterness and fear. Isaiah's life for decades had been a matter of trying to lay low and not attract any attention in order to protect himself and his grandson. Sam putting Isaiah's story out there for the world to see in the form of a statue and an exhibit without his permission was shockingly insensitive and disrespectful considering the last time they'd talked, the old Super Soldier reiterated that he'd be killed if his story were told. Regardless of whether or not that's any longer true now that Sam carries weight as the new Captain America, blindsiding Isaiah with the reveal did not come across as the heartwarming moment it was meant to be, but a complete lack of consent and out-of-character for both men.

It, like a number of choices in the last episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, might have made sense given more time to develop. The entire season could have used about two more episodes to flesh out some of the stories and characters instead of cutting contextual corners. While the series was a lot of fun overall and should be commended for its ambition, it was wildly uneven, no episode more than the finale. Hopefully, if there is a season 2 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, it will sort out the issues of the first season and its finale with more time and no Covid to work around.

Next: 7 Biggest Questions After The Falcon & The Winter Soldier Finale

Why Falcon & The Winter Soldier’s Finale Failed | Screen Rant from https://ift.tt/3tUFLqg

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEEKEND MARCH 8, 2019 – CAPTAIN MARVEL!!!

 This is a big weekend for Marvel Studios, as they release their first superhero movie with a female protagonist -- not counting Elektra (thanks for the laugh, Max Evry!) -- and the question is not whether it will make $100 million this weekend but how much MORE than $100 million it will be making this weekend. But that’s a question to be answered over at my gig at The Beat and it will be answered in about an hour...

CAPTAIN MARVEL (Marvel Studios/Disney)

Directed by Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck (Half Nelson, Sugar, Mississippi Grind) Written by Boden, Fleck and Geneva Robertson-Dworet Cast: Brie Larson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jude Law, Ben Mendelsohn, Djimon Hounsou, Lee Pace, Annette Bening, Gemma Chan, McKenna Grace, Lashana Lynch, Clark Gregg MPAA Rating: PG-13

I’m not sure how much more I have to say about the latest Marvel movie after writing about it extensively for The Beat. (You are reading my Box Office Preview there for all the stuff you used to read in this column about the wide releases, right?)

I am greatly looking forward to seeing this on Thursday night for a number of reasons and none of them are due to “old white man hater” Brie Larson, who I used to have respect for until she decided to attack me and my livelihood and ability to get work.

That said, I’ve been waiting for directors Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck to break out and do a big studio movie for many years, as I’ve been a fan of theirs since Half Nelson and have spoken to them a number of times including one of my favorites of theirs, the road trip movie Mississippi Grind, starring Ryan Reynolds and Ben Mendelsohn, who played a much nicer and more sympathetic role in that then he has portraying the villain in many studio movies since then.

I’m also looking forward to Captain Marvel since it introduces to the MCU the idea of the alien races, the Kree and the Skrulls, who have played such a large part in some of my favorite Marvel Comics storylines, including the “Kree-Skrull War” from The Avengers, which certainly could be something being set up in the MCU. I also loved the Skrulls as Fantastic Four villains, and here’s hoping that with the new Disney-Fox merger, we might actually see a GOOD Fantastic Four movie one of these days (or a crossover with Avengers even!)

Anyway, we’ll see whether I feel like writing a review for this on Friday after seeing it on Thursday night, but it’s really tough to be fair and impartial when the star of a movie has already gone out of her way to write you off, due to your gender, race and age.

More importantly, let’s get to some…

LIMITED RELEASES

One of the best movie out this weekend is Oscar-winning Chilean filmmaker Sebastian Lelio’s new movie GLORIA BELL (A24), starring Julianne Moore. A remake of his 2013 Spanish language film Gloria, the filmmaker behind A Fantastic Woman makes his English language debut with Moore playing the title character, a lonely older woman dealing with family issues who goes out dancing on Friday nights in hoping of meeting men. On one such night she meets John Turturro’s Arnold, and the two of them fall into a romance that runs into issues when he finally meets her kids and ex-husband (Brad Garrett).  Although I never did see Gloria, I was pretty blown away by how Lelio told this story, and Moore gives one of the best performances of her career – YES, MUCH better than her Oscar-winning turn in Still Alice. I know that A24 brought the movie to TIFF last year, but for whatever reason, they decided to hold it until March… just like Brie Larson’s Free Fire, ironically enough. Personally, I think Moore has a real chance at another Oscar nomination, but having a movie released so early in the year will make it tough, sadly. I was really able to relate to this movie more than I thought I would but mainly to Turturro’s character.

Another film worth seeking out is Vincent D’Onofrio’s second film as a director, the Western THE KID (Lionsgate), as in “Billy the Kid,” played by Dane DeHaan. The “kid” in the title is also teenager Rio, played by Jake Schur, who is on the run with his sister (Leila George) trying to get away from their abusive uncle (played by Chris Pratt!) Along the way, they meet Billy the Kid, as well as Sheriff Pat Garrett, who has been sent to capture and try Billy.  It’s opening in 250 theaters on Friday, so it won’t be too hard to find, and I’d love to say more wonderful things about it, but I’ve been embargoed. I hope to have an interview with D’Onofrio soon over on The Beat!

Another film worth seeking out is 3 FACES (Kino Lorber), the new film from Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi (The Circle, Offside), who has been banned from making films in his home country but continues to find a way to make films anyway. This one received an award for Best Screenplay at Cannes last year and has played Toronto and New York Film Festivals before opening at the IFC Centeron Friday. Panahi also stars in this drama along with Iranian actor Behnaz Jafari, as they go on a road trip to help a girl whose family has forbidden her from attending a drama school in Tehran, encountering various people along the way. The film continues Panahi’s exploration of combining his personal life with dramatic storytelling in the real world, which I haven’t really enjoyed as much as his straight dramas.

Opening at Metrograph is Black Mother (Grasshopper Films), the new cinema verité doc from filmmaker and photographer Khalik Allah (Field Niggas), which combines portraits of denizens of Jamaica shot on 16mm and HD with audio recordings of them talking about life in Jamaica. It’s a really beautiful film, and this is from someone who generally doesn’t care for cinema verité docs, but this really is a compelling film that’s worth seeing.

Oscar winner J.K. Simmons stars in his wife Michelle Schumacher’s second film I’m Not Here (Gravitas Ventures) playing Steve, as a lonely man who is haunted by memories of his past locked into the objects and sounds around his house. The film also stars Sebastian Stan, Mandy Moore, Max Greenfield, David Koechner and Harold Perrineau, and it opens at New York’s Village East, Los Angele’s Laemmle Monica and in other select cities this Friday. (Simmons and Schumacher will be at the Laemmle for a QnA on Sunday evening.)

Opening at New York’s Quad Cinema Friday is Giacomo Durzi’s doc Ferrante Fever (Greenwich) about novelist Elena Ferrante, who has made waves both in Italy and in America, thanks to a few independent publishers.

Gabrielle Brady’s directorial debut Island of the Hungry Ghosts, winner of Best Documentary at last year’s Tribeca Film Festival, will open at Astoria’s Museum of the Moving Image. It focuses on the residents of Christmas Island off the coast of Indonesia where asylum seekers are held in a high-security detention center and counseled by trauma therapist Poh Lin Lee.

Since I haven’t had a chance to see JC (All Is Lost, Margin Call) Chandor’s new movie Triple Frontier, starring Ben Affleck, Oscar Isaac, Charlie Hunnam, Garrett Hedlund and Pedro Pascal (Narcos) as Special Forces operatives planning a South American heist, I don’t have much to say about it, although I’m sold based on the premise alone. It’s opening In New York and L.A. on Wednesday in single theaters in both places (Sorry, Steven Spielberg!) but it will stream on Netflix a week later on March 13. Maybe I’ll write more about it next week. Maybe not.

Opening at the Film Society of Lincoln Center is the late Hu Bo’s An Elephant Sitting Still (KimStim) which played at New Directors/New Films in 2018.  It involves a teenager who accidentally injures a bully and interacts with various people who are dealing with their own burdens. Actor Zhang Yu will be making appearances before and after screenings including a reception before the 6:30pm screening on Friday.

This week’s Bollywood offering is Sujoy Ghosh’s BADLA (Reliance Entertainment), starring Taapsee Pannu as a young entrepreneur who is locked in a hotel room with the body of her deadl lover, so she calls upon a prestigious lawyer (Bollywood vet Amitabh Bachchan) to figure out how she ended up in that predicament.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

Ringo Lam X3 continues through the weekend, while Raul Peck X2continues with a screening of Murder in Pacot  (2014) on Saturday. This week’s Late Nites at Metrograph  is Fassbinder’s Love is Cooler than Death (1969), and the weekend’s Playtime: Family Matinees is 1982’s The Last Unicorn, an animated film from Rankin and Bass that was co-created by the Japanese anime studio Topcraft, who went on to form Studio Ghibli – you’ve probably heard of them. The voice cast includes Mia Farrow, Alan Arkin, Jeff Bridges, Angela Lansbury and Christopher Lee, and it’s probably a bit of a lost classic.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Weds and Thursday is the Billy Dee Williams cop double feature The Take  (1974) and Nighthawks (1981), and then on Friday and Saturday, the Bev double features One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest  (1975) and Arthur Hiller’s The Crazy World of Julius Vrooder (1974) (a movie I’ve never even heard of!). Sunday and Monday’s double feature is two Paul Wendkos films, The Case Against Brooklyn and Tarawa Beachhead, both from 1958. On Saturday and Sunday, the Kiddee Matinee is the Australian horse movie Phar Lap  (1983) while the midnight offerings this weekend are Kill Bill Vol. 2 on Friday and The Groove Tubeon Saturday. Grindhouse Tuesday is back with the “Bruce Li” double feature of Soul Brothers of Kung Fu  (1977) and The Image of Bruce Lee  (1978), movies made after Bruce Lee’s death.  (If I lived in L.A., this is where I would be on Tuesday night.) The high school comedy classic Clueless (1995) will screen on Tuesday, as well.

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Starting this weekend, the Greenwich Village theater presents a new 4k restoration of Jack Clayton’s 1959 film Room at the Top, which won Oscars for screenplay and actress Simone Signoret and was nominated for Picture, Director, Actor and Supporting Actress (for Hermione Baddeley’s 2.5 minute appearance in the film). It’s about a working-class guy who sets his sights on the daughter of the boss.The weekend’s Film Forum Jr. is Joe Dante’s 1993 film Matinee, starring John Goodman. Also, author David Thomson will present a screening of Joseph Losey’s 1963 film The Servant on Sunday.

MOMA (NYC):

New month, new Modern Matinees series and for the next two months, it’s a doozy with Modern Matinees: B is for Bacall, showcasing the fabulous filmography of Oscar-nominated actor Laure Bacall. This week, they’re screening the 1954 film Woman’s Worldon Wednesday, Howard Hawks’ The Big Sleep (1946) on Thursday and 1947’s Dark Passages on Friday. (Note that most of these movies will be rescreened later in the series in case you miss them this week.) Also this week is the series William Fox Presents More Restorations and Rediscoveries from the Fox Film Corporation, which features lots of movie from the ‘20s and ‘30s, many of them accompanied with live piano. Wednesday is Hangman’s House from 1928 and 1920’s Just Palsand Friday is 1929’s The Cock-Eyed World and Me and My Gal (1932), and there’s more on Saturday, Sunday and next week.  This is a busy time for MOMA as they’re also presenting Carte Blanche: Mariette Rissenbeek on German Women Cinematographers, which mostly features films from the last 15 years but many which never have received U.S. theatrical releases.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA)

Big weekend for Albert Finney fans as Albert Finney Remembered presents a few fantastic double features including Two for the Road  (1967) and Alan Parker’s Shoot the Moon (1982) on Thursday, the Coens’ Miller’s Crossing  (1990) and John Huston’s Under the Volcano  (1984) on Friday and Tom Jones (1963) and Tim Burton’s Big Fish (2003) on Sunday. The Egyptian’s big event for the weekend is the 7-movie day-long Boris Karloff-Bela Lugosi Movie Marathonon Saturday, which will include Frankenstein, Dracula but some lesser-seen classics like The Raven (1935) and more. If I lived in L.A., this is where I would be on Saturday.

AERO  (LA):

The AERO continues its Hitchcock, Truffaut and Jones series with double features Hitchcock’s The Man Who Knew Too Much  (1956) and Truffaut’s 1968 film The Bride Wore Black (which I’ve actually seen fairly recently!) on Friday, and Rear Window  (1954)and Mississippi Mermaid (1969) on Saturday. The theater will also have an all-day screening of Sergey Bondarchuk’s 7-hour epic adaptation of War and Peace  (1967) in four parts with two brief intermissions.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

The Quad’s still a month away from its 2-year restoration anniversary, but they’re reshowing Bertrand Blier’s Going Places and Luis Bunuel’s Tristana this coming weekend. The former is also part of Amour or Less: A Blier Buffet, a retrospective of the French filmmaker who I’m not even remotely familiar with. (Sorry!) They’re showing eight of Blier’s films before the new 40thanniversary restoration of his 1978 film Get Out Your Hankerchiefs opens on Friday, March 15.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

While Weekend Classics: Early Godard  seems to be taking a weekend off, Waverly Midnights: The Feds  is screening the Wayan Brothers’ White Girls (2004) in a 35mm print! Late Night Favorites takes a break from showing Ridley Scott’s Alien (which celebrates its 40th anniversary this month!) to show David Lynch’s Eraserhead (1977).

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

Premiering at BAM on Friday (as well as the Laemmle Glendale in L.A.) is the U.S. premiere of a restoration of Franco Rocco’s 1980 film Babylon, which was banned from the New York Film Festival and never released in the United States. Written by Martin Stellman (Quadrophenia), it stars Brinsley Forde from reggae group Aswad as a dancehall DJ who fights again racism and xenophobia in Thatcher-era London.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

See It Big! Costumes by Edith Head concludes this weekend with screenings of Hitchcock’s The Birds (1963) and Marnie (1964).

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

The Nuart’s Friday midnight screening is George Miller’s Mad Max: Fury Road Black & Chrome Edition (2015).

STREAMING AND CABLE

Season 1 of Ricky Gervais’ new series After Life will debut on  Netflix starting Friday, but there are also a few new movies including Clark Johnson’s Juanita, starring Alfre Woodard as the mother of three who goes on a trip to Montana, plus there’s Conor Allyn’s Walk. Ride. Rodeo., an inspirational drama that tells the true story of Amberley Snyder, played by Spencer Locke from the Resident Evil series, a 19-year-old rodeo rider who barely survives a car crash that leaves her paralyzed from the waist down. So yeah, Netflix is even trying to sidetrack Brie Larson’s Captain Marvel rerelease with other female-led films just like they’re going to try to derail Warners’ Shazam! with Brie Larson’s directorial debut Unicorn Store next month. The struggle continues.

Now available for digital download is Joe Eddy’s Steve McQueen biopic Chasing Bullitt (Vertical), starring Andre Brooks as the legendary actor who in 1971 makes a deal with his agent to let him choose his next acting gig if he finds his Ford Mustang GT 390 from Bullitt. Also available digitally is Dallas King’s action-thriller Kiss Kiss (Cleopatra Entertainment) that follows four strippers who go to a wine tasting that turns into a female fight night. I didn’t make this movie up, but apparently, it’s counter-programming to Captain Marvel.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

On Thursday, the Museum of the Moving Image is presenting the 6thannual Philip K. Dick Science Fiction Film Festival with two programs of short films. Also on Thursday, the IFC Center will kick off Canada Now 2019 with Nicholas de Pencier and Edward Burtynsky’s new doc Anthropocene: The Human Epoch, another globe-crossing from the duo behind Manufactured Landscapes. There will also be other Canadian films that have played in various film festivals north of the border.

Oh, yeah, also South by Southwest is happening in Austin, but I’m not going, so…

That’s it for this week. Next week, Captain Marvel will probably be #1 again, but there are a few other movies hoping at least for second place.

[canaryatlaw]

Alright well, today was pretty good. I know I was kind of brief last night since I wanted to get to bed, but the retreat was really nice. And I wasn't the youngest one there, there were two other girls around my age so I didn't feel weird about that. And there's a girl who graduated from one of the other law schools in the city in May and also does child law haha so I ended up talking to her for a while which was really nice. So today, we were told breakfast would be at 9, so I set my alarm for 8:45, and I wake up to an empty room, where there had been two other occupants during the night- two beds and an air mattress, with plenty of space. It was also like, frigid last night, and I didn't bring my sweater or anything with me so I wound up sleeping with my coat on, lol. Been a while since I've done that. Ah well. I got ready pretty quickly and went downstairs, not everyone was up yet and breakfast wasn't quite yet ready so we sat and talked for a while before getting breakfast. They had this blueberry French toast bake which I'm all about because that shit's like my favorite thing ever (I have an entire Pinterest board dedicate to it) and scrambled eggs with bacon and sausage, and fruit and such. So it was really good. Around 10:30 our "speaker" arrived, who was the family ministry (our official title, I guess it sounds better than kids) director at another church. She only spoke for like 45 minutes, and talked about caring for yourself while caring for others by focusing on God and taking care of your relational, physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Afterwards they just wanted everyone to go have quiet time and just do whatever to spend time with God so I went back to the bedroom I slept in with my music (I've been perfecting an instrumental hymns station on pandora and we've made a lot of progress there) and just sat and journaled about just about everything, which seems kind of silly because I obviously write these long things every night, but I hadn't actually written in my physical journal since July, so I suppose I had a lot to catch up on. But I just talked about being exhausted with everything but still so in love with my work, and the issues I've been struggling with, especially with guys and finding the right one and trying to be so patient until that happens. I'd say it was pretty productive. I did that for over a solid hour, then just read from my bible till about 1:30 when we reconvened for lunch which was casual, it was like sandwiches but good quality stuff and they had a griddle out so you can like grill your sandwich which I did of course and it was pretty banging. I'm like, not a big sandwich person typically because I can be really picky about what I actually like on it (and I pretty much hate soft sandwich bread in any form) but when it's like good quality stuff it's like my favorite thing ever so it was highly enjoyable. After lunch we met up again and just kind of did a "deeper" check in as opposed to the one we did last night, just areas in your life where you feel like you're winning and those you feel like you're losing, and of course everyone got pretty deep with things but it was definitely very cathartic, that much you could tell. I just talked about how I'm at this weird place where I love so much of what's going on in my life but also struggling with being so incredibly burnt out, and that's not what I want for my life because I want this, I really do, but I have to figure out how to make it work for me on a physical and mental level so I'm not dragging the way I have been for the past month (though this week has been considerably better). And then I talked about not really finding a big group of friends in the city and how I'm alone a lot and while I can definitely appreciate it more than I once did, I definitely feel lonely for the kind of close companionship having best friends you see every day brings.8 felt like that was pretty good for me. After everyone finished we closed out in prayer and then we were done, so we packed up and headed out. I got a ride back with the same couple from yesterday who live in my neighborhood, along with a few other people who live further south so we dropped them off first then came up north and dropped me off. It was just a really nice weekend, I got to talk to so many nice people and I'm just really glad to have those relationships in my life that can hopefully grow into something more. During the car ride we were talking about food and I decided I wanted sushi for dinner, so I texted my roommate to see if she was around and she was, so shortly after I got back we walked down to a sushi place not far from us. It wasn't too crazy, Chicago in general was kind of nutty today because it's the unofficial St Patrick's day celebration (which is dumb because it's not till next Friday, it should be next Saturday) and people always go a little nuts, but thankfully there aren't all that many bars up by us so it was more contained. We had a very nice dinner, good sushi so it was highly enjoyable. We walked home after and decided to watch Moana because we had discussed doing so soon and I hadn't seen it yet, and I definitely loved that movie just as much as I expected to. Like, ah, it was so good in so many ways. I love Moana as a character, like, so much. She's amazing and she makes me so happy. I also loved how matriarchal it all was, and how nobody questioned that Moana would lead the village one day because she's the child of the chief, doesn't matter that she's a girl. That scene though where her mom sees her packing and realizes she's running off and just hugs her and let's her go I was like 😭😭😭 and then the climax was so beautifully handled, I loved it. So much female empowerment, and not a hint of romance which is amazing, especially for a Disney movie. So I definitely enjoyed that. It was still fairly early then so we decided to watch dr strange, which I never really had much of an interest in seeing for various reasons, but it was a marvel movie so I figured I should probably see it at some point for continuity purposes if he's going to show up in later movies. It was pretty good. Was it very strange to have Tilda Swinton as "the ancient one" when pretty much everyone around her beside Strange is a POC? Of for sure. But beyond that the story was pretty good, interesting villain and final resolution, as well as showing the way he developed his powers. I really liked Rachel McAdams character too, she was so overwhelmed when she was forced into these ridiculous situations haha but she handled it all like a champ. So that was good. When we finished with that I figured I should probably pack since I'm flying home tomorrow, so I did that and then got ready for bed and that's about it. The plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 8, be out the door by 8:45, be at the airport by 9:45 (probably won't take that long but I don't want to chance it with traffic) for my 10:45 flight. The sucky part is I have a long layover in Baltimore, and my plane to NY doesn't get in till 5:30, so I'll be hanging out there for a while. Ah well, could be worse. Excited to see my family of course, and I would like to get some sleep so I can enjoy seeing them for sure. So goodnight peeps. Hope you had an awesome Saturday.

[geekade]

Before Their Time, Gargoyles

One thousand years ago, superstition and the sword ruled. It was a time of darkness. It was a world of fear. It was the age of gargoyles. Stone by day, warriors by night. We were betrayed by the humans we had sworn to protect, frozen in stone by a magic spell for a thousand years. Now, here in Manhattan, the spell is broken, and we live again! We are defenders of the night. We are GARGOYLES!

So begins Gargoyles, some of the best animation on television in 1994. I loved this show so much that when it finally came out on DVD in 2013 I was afraid to revisit it. After all, I remembered loving She-Ra: Princess of Power, jumped at the chance to rewatch it on Hulu, and regretted it almost immediately. Childhood is treacherous that way. 

I’m happy to report that Gargoyles still merits a spot alongside Batman: The Animated Series and X-Men as a well-executed and rewatchable 90’s classic. In addition to complex characters and plot arcs, the series boasts terrific animation (including some killer fight sequences) and fabulous voice talent (an assortment of Star Trek alumni make appearances of varying duration). Gargoyles also represented my first encounter with a starring woman of color, more than one fully developed female character, and sympathetic villains. Of course, Disney cancelled it after only two seasons; ABC ran a third season called The Goliath Chronicles, but…let’s just say there’s a reason it’s not out on DVD.

The series premiered in 1994 as part of the Disney’s syndicated after-school cartoon block. It shared several writers and directors with Batman, including Michael Reaves, Brynne Chandler Reaves, and Frank Paur, and they brought a similarly brooding sensibility to Gargoyles. Like most of the short-lived shows I love, Gargoyles opened strong and just got better and better until its untimely demise. The pilot clocks in at five episodes, cutting between the gargoyles’ history in 994 AD and their reawakening in 1994. Considering it aired before DVR was even a glimmer in some startup’s eye, and that it couldn’t count on the character recognition of comics-based shows like Batman or X-Men, a five-episode pilot was pretty damn ambitious. As if that wasn’t daring (or dark) enough, Gargoyles opens with a genocide; before the show even gets going, its titular characters face a breach of trust that exterminates nearly their entire clan. The remaining gargoyles – Goliath (Keith David), Hudson (Ed Asner), Brooklyn (Jeff Bennett), Broadway (Bill Fagerbakke), and Lexington (Thom Adcox-Hernandez), along with watchdog Bronx (Frank Welker) awaken in a world ten centuries and an ocean removed from the one they knew. 

Although the surviving clan from Goliath all the way down to Bronx get rich characterizations, histories, and performances, I was always captivated by three of the supporting characters, two of them villains. My favorite character was Elisa Maza (Salli Richardson-Whitfield), the NYPD detective who discovers the gargoyles while investigating a disturbance at Xanatos’ skyscraper. She guides the clan through the new world and protects them from discovery. Perceptive, resourceful, and trained in hand-to-hand combat, Elisa was the first major animated character I ever saw who looked remotely like me and the first heroine who did the rescuing. 

The first person she saves our heroes from is David Xanatos. Jonathan Frakes voices him with an oily suavity that channels Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark but is more grounded, amoral, and dangerous than either of them. Xanatos understands that has earned a kind of medieval debt-loyalty for relocating and reawakening the gargoyles, and he wastes no time exploiting this for his own ends. When he can no longer use Goliath’s clan, he develops technology to replicate their abilities, forcing them to face off against a series of robots, cyborgs, and clones. His brand of villainy – elegant, elaborate, and nearly unbeatable – lends its name to the Xanatos Gambit. 

Like I said, Tony Stark minus the alcoholism and moral compass. Riker wishes he was this cool. Xanatos reunites the clan with another member they’d believed lost in the sack of their castle: Goliath’s lieutenant and mate, Demona (Marina Sirtis). Demona possesses a Machiavellian single-mindedness; she resorts to magic, treachery, and brute force in the pursuit of her goal to exterminate humanity. Much like Magneto, she’s convinced that humans will never coexist peacefully with gargoyles, and once you’ve witnessed the distrust and cruelty that precede the destruction of her brethren, this logic almost makes sense. She’s gotten this far on a series of Faustian bargains and a heady cocktail of rage, survivor’s guilt, cognitive dissonance, and loneliness, but her conviction masks a longing for everything that might have been – for her, for Goliath, and for their lost clan. An object lesson in the dangers of revenge, Demona is no less tragic for being irredeemable.

Goliath, Elisa, and the clan battle Demona, Xanatos, and a series of other adversaries (not all of them dispatched by Xanatos) in sequences that showcase thoughtful character design. I love good fight choreography, and the hand-to-hand in Gargoyles never ceases to amaze me. The airborne combat sequences are particularly mesmerizing, combining dogfighting and midair grappling, but the earthbound stuff is no slouch either. Most kids probably wouldn’t have noticed if the gargoyles fought like large humans, but the animators make good use of their talons, tails, and wings, especially all the ways these things change the gargoyles’ relationship to gravity. 

While the first season (13 episodes) follows the clan’s efforts to adjust to modern Manhattan, the second season (52 episodes) takes Goliath, Elisa, and Bronx on a “World Tour” which starts with a visit to the enchanted isle of Avalon. Referencing anything that happens after Avalon would be spoiling some neat surprises, but I can tell you that the series travels through a collection of places, times, and mythologies that would make Neil Gaiman blush. As you might have guessed from the introduction of Avalon, these episodes reference Arthurian legend and Shakespeare (mainly Macbeth and A Midsummer Night’s Dream) liberally, and I have to tip my hat to anybody who can make Oberon and Titania’s marriage make sense.  Gargoyles united many of the elements that made Batman and X-Men so compelling, especially the darkness of the former and the xenophobia of the latter. But the show grew to more than the sum of its parts, its heroes and villains alike the products of complex and often surprising histories. If you loved it then, know that you can revisit it now without fear of disappointment. And if you’ve just learned about it here, know that Gargoyles is rendered beautifully, visually and auditorily. I defy you not to be seduced.

HOW TO WATCH: Seasons 1 and 2 are available on DVD. Season 2 is divided into two parts. All 3 DVDs are available on Amazon.

MUST WATCH: “Reawakening,” the final episode of the first season, features Michael Dorn as a resurrected gargoyle inhabited by three different souls. “Bushido,” the Japan episode of the World Tour, is a touching reintroduction of the trust between humans and gargoyles.

FAVORITE LINES: “Lot to go through for a piece of lawn sculpture.” “What are you doing here?” “Making sure you weren’t being ambushed.” “Man, you guys are paranoid even for New York.” “Someone had to make sure those comic book rejects didn’t find you.” “And they say the Middle Ages were barbaric.” “Flabby as I am now, I probably wouldn’t last a second in a Central American war.”

PAIR WITH: Jalapeños

LISTEN FOR: Everyone, but especially for anyone who ever starred in a Star Trek show. You already know about Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis, but Michael Dorn, Brent Spiner, Kate Mulgrew, Nichelle Nichols, Avery Brooks, LeVar Burton, and Colm Meaney all make appearances. Notable non-Star Trek voices include Clancy Brown, John Rhys-Davies, Sheena Easton, Tim Curry, Diedrich Bader, Tony Shalhoub, Charles Shaughnessy, and Roddy McDowall. Seriously, everybody was on this show.

ODDS & ENDS: The magic spells sprinkled throughout the show are actually quasi-functional Latin. They are collected and translated here. 

Gargoyles’ characters and plots mostly hold up today, but much of the first season’s storyline is only possible without cameraphones. Every time the gargoyles wind up in a populated area I find myself waiting for the cut to the YouTube footage. 

Every gargoyle has a battle cry, equal parts growl, roar, and avian scream, which is as awesome and terrifying as it sounds. 

It would have been more in character for Elisa to wear her hair short or tied back, but flowing Disney princess locks seem a small price to pay for being able to take somebody out even when you’re on crutches.

In closeup shots Xanatos appears to be rocking some serious guyliner; somehow this seems appropriate for a character voiced by Jonathan Frakes. 

AFTERWARDS: The Goliath Chronicles are not available on DVD, and I strongly advise you to accept this as a sign from the TV gods, because ABC took over the show with an entirely different writing and animation staff, and it shows. Disney did approve two comic book runs, one by Slave Labor Graphics (SLG) and the other by Marvel. Both are out of print and I can’t vouch for either, but I do know that Greg Weisman, one of the show’s creators, worked on the SLG run, and that lots of fans consider it the canonical third season. 

[thelowartgloominati-blog1]

Hey I’m about to whine about how I’m a stupid 2D animation fanboy, you can probobly just... not read this, your life will be unchanged.

Okay, so for those of you who did not heed the warning; if you follow my stupid blog you already know I’m a vintage Disney nerd. I grew up in the 90′s and early 2000′s, I had all those big clam-shell VHS tapes of all the vintage and, at the time, contemporary Disney films, when my family got a DVD player one of the first things we did was get a few collections of 30s-40s MIckey Mouse Cartoons because I used to love those as well (still do), and wore out the few tapes I had. It also stands to reason that I’m a gigantic Disney World/Land fanatic as well, I’ve read whole books on how to maximize any given visit to either park, I know an embarrassing amount about the parks’ history, and I consider The Haunted Mansion essentially my favorite thing that exists in this and presumably any parallel universes.

All of that said, my infatuation with all the Disney properties is rooted in my fundamental love of 2D animation, and that’s where the crux of this wall of text comes in; of all the releases Disney has laid out for the next two fiscal years (and in this case I include all divisions of the Disney corporation, so Lucas Films, Marvel studios, Jim Henson’s studios, all of that jazz), there’s no 2D among them. Alot of you are probobly thinking “Well DUH, Indigo, Disney said several years ago that they weren’t interested in 2D anymore for the foreseeable future, this isn’t news,” and you’re right, this isn’t news. The focus of the company has been, for some time on their 3D animation studios (which, just so we’re clear, have produced some quality films; Tangled, Wreck It Ralph, Frozen, etc.), a series of live action/CGI remakes of many of their older, more well known films (with mixed results thus-far, in my opinion), and a continuation of the Star Wars/ Marvel licensing gravy train that I have no real opinion about (I like Star Wars fine, I respect the original films for how influential they were to film history, I just don’t consider myself a big time fan like some people are; and I don’t care for superhero films conceptually so... yeah). 

Anyway, a lot of people seem to like this stuff, even removing the licensing stuff and just focusing on the in-house Disney productions they’ve announced, this new Lion King remake trailer that they put out yesterday went super viral, even though, if I’m gonna be blunt, there is literally no reason for it to exist. Infact, just for the hell of it, lets break down all the in-house Disney releases slated for Q4 2018 to 2019, shall we? So we’ve got the aforementioned Lion King, Live action/CG remakes of Aladdin and Dumbo in 2019, Mary Poppins Returns later this year, Ralph Breaks the Internet, which is just coming out at time of writing, and Toy Story 4, also next year. Okay, so of all of those the only one that I would say NEEDS to exist is Ralph 2, the first movie was very good, the sequel looks like a lot of fun, plus that series is the exception that I would say DOES need to be in 3D, as the whole video game character angle wouldn’t really fly in 2D, so that gets a pass. Mary Poppins Returns might also get a pass, as while I’d say the original film stands fine on it’s own, it could be interesting to see how some of P.L. Travers’ other Mary Poppins books (there were actually several she wrote) could translate to film, and it’s been over 50 years, so I’d say that’s a suitable amount of time to where the narrative of “X character is gone for a long time, comes back to see how things have changed” makes a reasonable degree of sense, it could work, I reserve judgement until I see it. Toy Story 4... Nah. I Don’t really see why this needs to exist, I didn’t even think Toy Story 3 NEEDED to exist until I saw it, and the ending to that film was, simply put, perfect. There is absolutely no need to continue that story, it’s perfect. Will it be good? Maybe, I was surprised before, I could be again, but I’m skeptical on that one.  As for the remakes, I don’t think ANY of them need to happen. Lion King doesn’t make any sense, as the 2D visuals simply look better to me then the CG they seem to be going with, all the problems I had with the Jungle Book remake would seem to apply here. Aladdin is just a bad idea, because no matter how good the person they get to play Genie is, you can NEVER completely divorce the role from Robin Williams, as he made that character so intrinsically his own. Anyone else playing him will either have to play him completely different and essentially become a different character, or else come off as doing a Robin Williams impression. If they really thought they could put an original or creative spin on the story, they should have put this one on ice until later down the line, that said, I don’t think there is a creative spin to be done on it that hasn’t already been done. As for Dumbo, I really don’t understand what they intend to accomplish, there’s not a whole lot to do with that story that the original didn’t do, and again, THE CGI LOOKS WORSE THEN THE ORIGINAL 2D CELL ANIMATION FROM 1941. 

See I’m a firm believer in the concept of: if you can’t remake it BETTER or bring an original take on the source material, then why remake it AT ALL? This is, by the way, why I really liked Maleficent, from 2014, which you’d think would be a no-no for me, as it was a live action/CG remake of a classic era 2D Disney film, but the reason I liked it was because it brought a very original spin to the source material, the idea of re-framing that story to more or less turn the “hero” and “villain” dichotomy on it’s head, and make you side completely with a character whom in the source material was a textbook example of an “evil because evil” character archetype. Also, that film had a very good reason to be live action, as the whole “everything you know is a lie” narrative gelled well with the contrast of the original vs. the remake, it’s as if the 2D original is some sort of historical account of what happened, but this film is what really happened, in that context I think it worked. I loved that movie, and if the rest of these remakes ended up doing similar things I’d be on-board with them too, but after seeing Jungle Book, and seeing Beauty and the Beast, I really don’t think that’s the angle they’re going for with these, I think it’s a case of “shine up older properties we haven't done anything with in a while, put them back into theatres, get paid, repeat.”

I also would argue that my fondness for 2D is not just nostalgic, but functional in a sense of future proofing these films. Can you say, without Googling, what year Disney’s original Alice in Wonderland came out based on how the movie looks? If you said 1951 you’d be right, but I doubt you’d know that that movie was over 67 years old by the way lit looks, because that’s the magic of 2D animation, and particularly cell animation. TIMELESS is the look that style of animation gives, it still looks colourful, and fluid, and smooth, even over half a century later. It has not aged a day, because the style in which it was made is age-proof. Compare that to the Tim Burton version from 2010, even only EIGHT YEARS after it came out, the CGI already looks dated, the effects were cutting edge at the time, but are quickly showing their age. I’m not saying Alice 2010 is necessarily a BAD movie, although I don’t particularly care for it, but it’s simply a fact that it has visually aged more in 8 years then the original did in 67. 

I know at this point that I sound like a crotchety old man yelling from his porch, and I don’t want to take away anyone’s enjoyment of any of these new films, and if they all turn out to be good, than that’s great! But I just wanted to express WHY, I dislike the direction Disney has gone with their in-house productions, and why I think 2D needs to given another shot, if for no other reason then to shut up nerds like me.

Then we can focus on the real enemy: STAR WARS BRANDING IN DISNEY LAND! (get that “edge of the galaxy” crap out of here!)

[the-connection]

We all have that friend who, no matter how great a film is, will always say the book is better. And the worst part is that they're almost always right, the jerks. Well, the next time they open their bookish little mouths, here are some examples you can use to shut them right up. Some books contained scenes so nonsensical, stupid, or dong-filled that filmmakers didn't even try to put them in their adaptations. And speaking of dong-filled, let's start right off with ...

5

Forrest Gump Left Out His Gigantic Monster Penis

In the movie version of Forrest Gump, we follow a simple-minded but superhumanly capable man as he aw-shuckses through some of the most important events in American history. Whether it's showing Elvis how to dance, rewriting the Civil Rights Movement, or investing heavily in a company guilty of crimes against humanity, Gump unwittingly guides the course of the 20th century. Looking back, the movie is still a bit strange ... but the book was downright insane.

You're probably asking, "Didn't a woman take sexual advantage of a mentally challenged man to trick him into raising another guy's baby before she died of AIDS in that movie? What was in that book that they had to leave out?"

Paramount Pictures"Hump, Forrest, hump!"

We're glad you asked!

In the book, Forrest and Jenny still got after it all night, but this version was very, very clear about two very, very strange points: First, that Forrest has an enormous penis. Second, that Jenny loves to talk dirty. Now, remember that the novel is told in the first person, and Forrest no talk good. So now that you're all set up, here's a sentence no one ever expected to type: Please enjoy a graphic passage from the erotic memoirs of Forrest Gump.

Paramount Pictures"You like magazines? I wrote to a magazine once ..."

When we get home, Jenny begun takin off her clothes. She is down to her underpants, an I am jus settin on the couch tryin not to notice, but she come up an stand in front of me an she say, "Forrest, I want you to fuck me now."

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You could knocked me over with a feather! I jus set there an gawked at her. Then she set down nex to me an started foolin with my britches, an nex thing I knowed, she'd got off my shirt an was huggin an kissin me an all. At first, it was jus a little odd, her doin all that. Course I had dreamed bout it all along, but I had not expected it quite this way. But then, well I guess something came over me, an it didn't matter what I'd expected, cause we was rollin aroun on the couch an had our clothes nearly off an then Jenny pulled down my undershorts an her eyes get big an she say, "Whooo -- lookit what you got there!" an she grapped me jus like Miz French had that day, but Jenny never say nothin about me keepin my eyes closed, so I didn't.

The scene goes on to include all the sexual positions they try: Jenny shown me shit I never could of figgered out on my own ... sideways, crosswise, upside down, bottomwise, lengthwise, dogwise, standin up, setting down, bending over, leanin back, inside-out and outside-in.

Paramount PicturesIt's basically a porn parody of the scene of Bubba listing shrimp recipes.

The point is, he and his notably large dick wore that ass out. If the novel was faithfully adapted, Forrest Gump would have been nine hours long and inspired a tense public debate on how many yards of penis should be allowed in a PG-13 movie.

4

The Comic Version of Thor: Ragnarok Is Seriously Messed Up

In Thor: Ragnarok, Thor and Loki work together to fight Odin's firstborn daughter, Hela, the Goddess of Death. She has spike-throwing powers and a giant wolf, and nobody in Asgard stands the slightest chance against her. Characters die before you can even figure out who they were supposed to be, and Thor ends up on a garbage dump planet run ruled by Jeff Goldblum, who turns him into a slave gladiator and makes him fight Conan Hulk.

Marvel StudiosIt's pretty awesome.

The movie is based on the Thor: Ragnarok comic book series, and it made a few notable changes from the source material. For instance, in the movie, Thor loses his eye in a fight. In the comics, he tears it out of his own damn head. Comic book nerds and people who still worship the Norse gods (thanks for reading, Bjerkman the Unbroken!) might recognize this move. His father, Odin, did the same thing ages ago when he traded his eye for knowledge. That's why Thor goes the extra step and yanks out both his eyes.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics"Bah! You ask for but one eye? Thor doth double down!"

And somehow, this gets both weirder and darker. After he willfully blinds himself, Thor commits suicide by hanging himself from Yggdrasil, the World Tree.

Marvel Comics"The Odinson found this part a bit too dark for a tentpole blockbuster!"

In the movie, Thor has to deal with his brother Loki's constant betrayals and tricks by staying one step ahead of him. In the comic, Thor just tears Loki's goddamn head off and ties it to his belt.

Marvel ComicsHe was renamed God of Conditioner after his ponytail proved to be stronger than his neck.

There are some big decisions that have to be made at the end of Thor: Ragnarok, but they're nothing compared to what Thor's faced with in the comic version. He doesn't summon some puny fire god to destroy one realm -- he shatters Yggdrasil to destroy every realm. So yes, in the movie, Thor blows up a lot of homes. But in the comic, he murders e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.

In the end, we can all agree that "Let's add Conan Hulk" was a good note, but "Let's do a rewrite on the Thor genocide scene" was a great note. It would be seriously tough to talk parents into taking their kids to a movie wherein the hero pulls his own eyes out, kills himself, and then kills every being in the universe while wearing his brother's severed, screaming head on his belt. Or maybe not, because isn't that the plot to Cars 3?

3

The Stardust Movie Leaves Out the Gruesome Unicorn Mutilation

Stardust tells the story of Tristan Thorn, a young man who crosses the titular wall of his hometown of Wall to enter the land of Faerie so he can bring back a fallen star to win the heart of a girl. We know, it sounds like a sarcastic example from a How to Write Young Adult Fantasy for Beginners textbook, but it was turned into a real movie. Starring Robert DeNiro!

It turns out that the fallen star is actually a woman (Yvain, played by Clare Danes) who hurt her leg when she fell to Earth. Tristan has no idea how he's going to get a crippled, woman-shaped star back to his walled village of Wall until a unicorn randomly turns up to help! Haha, for real!

Paramount PicturesThe original title was Lisa Frank Origins.

The pair eventually encounters the witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who wants to kill them both. The unicorn helps them escape by head-butting Billy, a goat in the shape of a man, so hard that he turns back into a goat. Then the witch starts a fire and we never see the unicorn again ... in the movie.

Paramount Pictures"GOAT GTFO!"

The book has a bit more to tell us about that unicorn's fate. In the novel, it doesn't just take on Billy -- it fights the witch as well. And while it gets a few good shots in, the unicorn loses about as hard as anything has ever lost anything. First the witch jams a knife into the unicorn's brain through its eye. Then ...

The beast dropped to the wooden floor of the inn, blood dripping from its side and from its eye and from its open mouth. First it fell to its knees, and then it collapsed, utterly, as the life fled. Its tongue was piebald and it protruded most pathetically from the unicorn's dead mouth.

Think that's a bit much? We're not done yet. The witch needs the unicorn's corpse to move, so she spits her blood into its mouth, and this animates it. Whatever, that's the witch equivalent of a forklift. Later, she saws its goddamn head off.

Paramount Pictures"No reason for that part. Just for fun."

Half-blind, the dead unicorn stumbled toward the green rock needle until it reached a depression at its base, where it dropped to the knees of its forelegs in a ghastly parody of prayer.

The witch-queen reached down and pulled her knife from out of the beast's eye-socket. She sliced across its throat. Blood started to ooze, too slowly, from the gash she had made. She walked back to the carriage and returned with her cleaver. Then she began to hack at the unicorn's neck, until she had separated it from the body, and the severed head tumbled into the rock hollow, now filling with a dark red puddle of brackish blood.

Jesus Christ. People who grew up watching The NeverEnding Story had their childhoods haunted by a horse sinking into the Swamp of Sadness. Can you imagine growing up in a world in which your favorite fantasy movie slowly carved the head off a defiled unicorn-zombie?

2

In The Book Version Of The Rescuers, The Villain Kills So, So Many Orphaned Girls

Disney's The Rescuers follows the adventures of two mice who work for the Rescue Aid Society, Miss Bianca and her loyal companion Bernard. In the film, an orphan named Penny is kidnapped by an alligator-loving hellbeast named Madame Medusa, who needs Penny in order to find the Devil's Eye, the world's largest diamond.

Those are some crazy characters, some genuine peril, and two ball-shrinkingly terrifying alligators. Luckily, Penny is the only orphan kidnapped, and she survives.

In the movie.

The original novel is called Miss Bianca, and is the second book in Margery Sharp's Miss Bianca series. In the book, the villain is the dreaded Duchess, who doesn't need any orphan girl (named Patience here, not Penny) to find her a famous diamond, because she lives in a castle made of them.

Little Brown & Co.It's arguably too many diamonds.

No, the only reason the Duchess wants an orphan girl is to torture her. She beats Patience with a diamond-studded cane "just to hear her cry out." She starves and tortures her: "[The Duchess'] big knuckles ground cruelly against Patience's collar bone, the long fingers almost met in the child's emaciated, shrinking flesh." Hell, the kid doesn't even have a toothbrush -- "she just dipped a torn old rag into a cold jar of water." Life sucks for Patience. But it was way worse for the other orphans. Yes, there were other orphans. Emphasis on were.

Patience is not the first orphan girl the Duchess has kidnapped; she's simply the only one to survive long enough to be in the book. "Patience was the last of a series, all the others having died young."

You might be wondering what the Duchess in this children's book about a talking mouse did with all those dead little girls. Well, as the story unfolds, Miss Bianca encounters two bloodhounds named Torture and Torment, who talk about all the girls they hunted. At the end of the conversation, she realizes that the seat they previously offered her was "a very small shin bone -- gnawed."

Little Brown & Co.One thing's for sure: It's more dead orphan girl shinbones than the children's book illustrator expected to draw that day.

It's not ambiguous. When Patience escapes, we're told "the Duchess had faced the same situation before. As the little shin bone bore witness." There are no subtle hints in this book. It is made extremely clear that the Duchess had her hounds chase down and eat a bunch of orphan girls alive before the Rescue Aid Society ever heard about Patience.

Suddenly those scary cartoon alligators don't seem so bad.

1

Chris Gardner's The Pursuit Of Happyness Is Full Of Rape And Murder

The Pursuit Of Happyness sees Will Smith playing Chris Gardner, the ultimate wholesome dad in the ultimate wholesome family film (give or take some hobo urine) about the pursuit of the American Dream. Based on Gardner's memoir of the same name, the movie shows how he looks after his only son while homeless in San Francisco, sleeping in shelters and public bathrooms, all the while working for a Wall Street firm without pay, hoping to win a lucrative banking job.

There are a lot of hard knocks along the way, but he ultimately wins at life and goes on to become a millionaire. The book wasn't quite as family friendly.

A lot of the memoir is occupied by Gardner's relationship with his abusive stepfather ... and Gardner's attempts to kill him. Gardner tries to poison him, and fantasizes constantly about shooting or bludgeoning the man to death. He even pushes a refrigerator down the stairs on top of him. Here he is bragging about the precision of this murder scheme:

In perfect timing, I missed a step, on purpose, and let the refrigerator go. A priceless look of confusion and horror came over his face, and like a work of art, the next thing I knew Freddie had a refrigerator on his chest and they were both tumbling down the steps.

It seems like a gruesome thing to actively try to murder his stepfather, but to be fair, the stepfather sucks. He almost kills Chris' mother multiple times, even chasing her into a store with a shotgun at one point. The closest he gets to ending her life is with a two-by-four, "bashing it into the back of her skull with such a force that the wood splintered into her skin, sticking into her, spewing blood not just underneath her but everywhere in the room."

Columbia PicturesIt's a fun read.

Chris eventually gets out of there without committing murder, but things do not get any less horrible. At one point, he talks about one unhappy mark returning from a hustle gone wrong. And we mean very, very wrong.

But even if I can't track time, I remember every detail of what happens, from the second he pulls a knife to my throat, forces me on my back, pulls down my pants, puts his dick between my legs, to registering the confused horror of my dick getting hard from stimulation, to the true horror of him hoisting me into position so he can fuck me in the ass, right on the living room floor. Every grunt, every breath. His smell overwhelms. Funky. Rancid even, inhuman. White hot pain. Cold hard linoleum.

Luckily, the story doesn't end there. Because Gardner gets his revenge three years (and 11 pages) later, when he waits outside a bar for his rapist to exit and beats him to death with a cinder block!

"Oh shit," he said, not even finishing the statement before I crowned him with the cinder block, bearing down with all my strength on the top of his head.

At first, he didn't fall, but he faltered. After more pounding, he finally crumpled to the sidewalk, and I threw the brick down, left it right there, and walked away. Didn't look back, didn't run. Right or wrong, I silently said the last words that I'd ever think about him -- Got your motherfucking ass.

So to be clear, someone was reading this book and thought, "This would make an excellent, uplifting family film! Starring the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!"

Not gonna spoil anything, but IT (based on the book by Stephen King) did a pretty good job editing the book into a script too.

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