#Despite my insecurities about english I'm happy with how it turned out

[sunnydbeam]

Gamma Code - Chapter 1: Hell In The Darkness

▪︎ Word count: 4,628

▪︎ Rating: M

▪︎ Chapter summary:

Your routine, methodical job becomes a deadly pursuit when you get caught up in a problem you didn't know existed. It turns out to be your problem now.

[ro-is-struggling]

Hi!! I was thinking that 6 (song) would go amazingly with Steve like maybe he’s still hung up on Nancy but like reader is in love with him? ASDFGHJKL if you could make this possible I’d dieeeee. Thank you so much

Hi beautiful! thank you so much for participating in the celebration and I'm sorry it took me so long to get to your request, I'm going through stuff lol but despite that I had a great time writing this fic even though it's pure angst with no happy ending. I hope you're ready to cry!

One Last Time || Steve Harrington x Reader

Summary: You knew Steve was still in love with Nancy, but you didn't care. All you cared about was holding him in your arms one last time. 

Warnings: angst, unrequited love kinda, jealousy, no happy ending

English is not my first language 

Word count: 1700

This fic is part of my 600 followers celeration

Sitting alone at the table with dinner served, your gaze traveled from the clock to the door passing by the phone as you waited for a signal from Steve. You were supposed to have a date. You cooked for him, put on a nice outfit and styled your hair, only to have him stand you up. Again. It wasn't the first time Steve had been late for one of your dates and you knew it wouldn't be the last, not as long as she was still in his life. 

Nancy Wheeler was the reason behind all your problems, fears and insecurities. She was everything you weren't —pretty, smart, charismatic, popular— and even though her relationship with Steve had ended a long time ago, she still held the key to his heart. He was still in love with her and it seemed there was nothing you could do to change that. No matter how hard you tried to push her out of his heart, to replace her, it was all in vain. He would never look at you the way he looked at her.

Of course Steve wouldn't admit that out loud. When he was with you he would shower you with gifts and compliments, telling you how happy he was to have you by his side and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. But you knew those were half-truths. He did love you, but not like he loved Nancy. You didn't need to hear him say it to know it, you could sense it in his kisses and the way he looked at you. That special sparkle in his eyes when he looked at her disappeared when he turned his gaze to you. 

You were his consolation prize, his second choice. He was with you because he couldn't be with her, you knew that from your first date. You knew he didn't love you but still you stayed by his side, keeping the naive illusion that someday things would change. You hoped you could make him fall in love with you over time, show him that he had nothing to miss about his relationship with Nancy. Unlike her, you did love him and you hoped that would be enough to make him forget about her.

Still, your relationship wasn't terrible. Most of the time you didn't even remember Nancy and all that she entailed since Steve didn't mention her very often. All of your friends agreed that you were a wonderful couple. You two loved each other and spent most of your free time together. Steve loved to take you on dates and give you gifts, although your favorite times with him were when you would lie on the couch and watch a movie cuddling, enjoying each other's warmth and company. You forgot all your worries when he wrapped his arms around you and held you close to his body, finding peace in the soft sound of his heart beating against his chest. The world around you ceased to exist in those moments, there were no fears or insecurities, just you and Steve.

The memory of those moments was what made situations like the one you were going through now more tolerable. You knew that Steve was with her while you were saving the leftovers from the dinner you had worked so hard to prepare. You knew that Nancy was once again the reason your boyfriend missed one of your dates, but you also knew that she didn't love him, not like you did. They didn't share those special moments you had. She didn't hug him tightly or talk to him as lovingly as you did. She didn't hold him at night, stroking his hair tenderly until he fell asleep in your arms. She didn't leave a little bit of her heart in every single thing she did for him. You did all those things. You and only you. Steve was dating you and not her. Nancy might still hold the key to his heart, but it was only a matter of time before she lost it to you.

When the phone rang you rushed to pick it up, hoping to hear your boyfriend's voice on the other end of the line. You smiled when you discovered that it was indeed him, momentarily forgetting all the pain you felt as you listened to his voice.

"I'm so sorry I'm late, I lost track of time." Steve apologized, sounding genuinely sorry. "I promise I'll make it up to you."

You were ready to forgive him and forget the whole thing, like you used to do when these things happened, but then you heard her voice in the background and jealousy took over you again. Nancy laughed in the distance, happy, while you climbed the walls of your house imagining what Steve could be doing with her for so long. It felt like she was taunting you, like she knew you were being killed slowly by uncertainty and it amused her. Your jealousy-blinded mind felt attacked by her, further aggravating your temper. 

"It's fine," you said in a dry tone that denoted the complete opposite of your words. "Just get home soon."

He told you he loved you before he cut the call short, but you were too hurt and angry at the time for his words to soften your heart. You dropped onto the couch, defeated by the storm of conflicting emotions swirling inside you. You didn't know what to do, what voice to listen to. You loved Steve, but you honestly didn't know how much longer you could go on like this, missing him even when he was by your side, dreading every time she was near, competing for his heart.

You knew that he didn't love you yet, you could live with it as long as there was a possible future for you. You needed to know that all the effort you were making now was not in vain, that you had a chance at happiness. You needed Steve to assure you that he wasn't going to leave you for Nancy at any time. You were willing to keep working on your relationship, to bet on a future together if he was too. You wanted to think that you knew he did, that asking him something like that was silly since it was obvious that Steve wanted to be with you, but the truth was that you didn't. You knew he loved you and was happy with you, but you weren't sure he was as invested in his relationship as you were. And you needed to make sure you weren't wasting your time with him. You needed to know if Steve wanted to put his past with Nancy behind him, because nothing you did would matter if he wasn't willing to forget her.

So in the heat of the moment you decided to give him an ultimatum. Steve would have to choose between Nancy or you because you couldn't go on living in doubt. Jealousy and uncertainty were eating you up inside at all hours, slowly transforming you into a version of you that you didn't recognize. You didn't want to let your insecurities get the best of you, it was time to do something about it. 

You had to put an end to your suffering, even if it meant ending your relationship with Steve. You knew it would hurt if he rejected you, but at this point you were convinced that anything was better than the damn uncertainty. 

Part of you felt bad about your decision, thinking it was unfair of you to attack Steve with an ultimatum like that. But it was also unfair to live the way you did, so you tried your best to stick to your decision. You paced back and forth as you waited for your boyfriend to arrive, your mind full of fake scenarios about what might happen. You tried to stay calm, to not let your nerves get the better of you as you imagined the worst outcome, ignoring the voice in your mind that told you this was a bad idea. You decided to focus on what you would say to him, planning your words carefully so as not to sound too harsh but still remain firm. You wanted Steve to know that you meant business without coming across as overbearing since you understood that this was a difficult situation for him as well. 

You had your speech all prepared by the time you felt the sound of the door. You jumped to your feet, approaching the entrance to greet Steve as you went over the words you had prepared over and over in your mind. ‘Stay strong, you got this' a voice in your head encouraged you, trying to calm the nerves storming inside you as the door slowly opened, revealing your boyfriend on the other side.

You tried to stand your ground, but all your anger disappeared as soon as you saw the remorseful puppy expression on Steve's face. He was looking at you with guilt in his big brown eyes and a pout on his lips, hiding part of his face behind a bouquet of red roses. He looked adorable, enough to make you forget all the words you had been memorizing for the last half hour. 

"I'm so sorry, baby. I know you had a big date planned and I fucked it up, I'm sorry." Steve apologized, the regret clear in his voice. Suddenly, the anger and jealousy you felt minutes before was replaced by fear. Fear of losing him. Fear of never hearing him call you 'baby' again. Fear of never feeling his lips on yours or his arms around your body again. You couldn't lose him, not now when he looked so adorable and apologetic, willing to do anything to make up for his mistake.

"It's fine," you said, letting out a sigh, taking the flowers he offered you and bringing them to your nose to smell the scent.

"I love you," he declared, taking your face in his hands and joining your lips in a kiss. You knew his words were not true, not entirely at least, but you decided to ignore him for the moment, allowing yourself to get lost in the kiss. You decided then that you would let the fantasy continue for one more night. You could talk to him about your feelings in the morning, but right now you didn't want to fight. All you wanted was to hold Steve in your arms as you slept for one last time.

[penelopecolinb]

Hi, nat! I became a big fan of POLIN after watching season 3 of BRIDGERTON, and for the past two months, I've been obsessed with everything about Polin and even reading your fanfiction! I don't read English very well, but with the help of a translator, I've been devouring all of your fics these past few weeks! The way you describe Polin’s relationship, Colin's character, and their intimacy is so sexy and mesmerizing, and I feel like this could only be done by you. I especially love the way you describe Colin's possessiveness and obsession, which is never unpleasant, but rather charming, because it shows his purity towards Penelope...

I have so many questions for you since you write such amazing fiction... I don't want to bother you, but if you have time, I'd love for you to answer them!

1. you wrote a fanfiction of Polin before season 3 was released, and I'm curious what it is about this couple that fascinated you! Are you a fan of the original show?

2. i was wondering how you viewed season 3, because despite the fact that your fic was written before season 3 was released, i felt that the Colin from the show and the Colin from your novel were very similar, especially in terms of Colin being insecure about Pen's love and being afraid that he wouldn't be a better man for her, and trying to hold on to her, even having sex with her right after they got engaged! I know that part 2 left fans disappointed in terms of length and other aspects, but do you think the show satisfied you?

3. last but not least...I was actually going to ask you if you'd be willing to release a new ONE SHOT fic during this Bonus Polin Week! Then I read your most recent one, SPARE HEART, and I found out that you're in a difficult situation to write fics. I'm so sad for you, but I hope your situation will turn out the way you want it to be soon. It's a great pain for me to know that my favorite fanfiction author is in a bad situation!

Your fics have given me so much comfort and strength!!! 🥺 I can't wait until you start posting fanfiction again! And I'm Korean, and I just wanted to let you know that in the Korean online community I'm in, there are a lot of compliments and mentions of your fics!! I love you!!! If I'm approved to join Ao3, I promise to leave comments and kudos on your fics in the future 😘😘

oh god my darling, thank you so so so much for this lovely message, my heart is so full 💖💖

i'll be happy to answer any questions you (or anyone else) might have!

yes, i was a casual viewer of the original series. i got into it even more when queen charlotte came out, and then i just started loving the angst of pen overhearing colin say that shit about never courting her. i went into a deep dive on polin ao3 and never came back!

im hesitant to answer any questions about the show because i dont want to be a hater. i didnt like a lot of the decisions the writers made - not just in part 2, but part 1 too. i think i'll leave it at that. i feel that thinking of the many many things that i wasn't satisfied by really overshadowed the few parts of the series i genuinely liked.

oh, bless your heart. thank you so much for your kind words. i'm trying to finish spare heart at the moment, and then i have a oneshot coming up (but not in polin week) for the polin x care for gaza raffle winner. and after that, i do have a few ideas i wanna start on! so hopefully i will be able to write, but probably not as frequently as i do now.

that is so insane to me, that the polin community in korea have an awareness of my fic and talk about it and really like it 😭😭😭😭😭 thank you for sharing that with me! im so so so glad that my fics have such a broad reach. please pass on my thanks to the lovely korean online community you're in!

i hope you, my lovely friend, have a wonderful, wonderful day!

[wearenot7withu]

pairing: ex!jungkook x f!reader

wc: 2.4k

warning: curse word like once, pure angst, exs2??

a/n: ngl i wrote this quickly. iwas home one day after my exam and I was listening to this song when I got inspired.. it didn't really turn out how i wanted and i'm not really happy with it but i need to write and share it here because i was always insecure about my writing.. so this is me oiling my skills with angst..

feedbacks are welcome, good and bad too - as long as you’re nice about it. english isn’t my first language but i hope the story is enjoyable even like this. have fun reading the story and i hope you like it.

masterlist

✩✩✩

But does he know you call me when he sleeps?

You were laying in bed wide awake, reflecting back on your day. Your phone is next to you, illuminating the room in a blueish light.

A conversation is open on your phone, the last message being from your boyfriend, in which he wishes you good night.

You started going out with Haewon officially a couple days ago, unofficially maybe a month or two. As time passed by he asked you to be his girlfriend.

He was everything a girl could ask for - sweet, caring, a gentleman. You're aware that that's what you deserve. All of your friends say that Haewon is the one, that his love for you is true… and despite it all, he's not the one you want.

You thought maybe you'd come to love him, feel a little more towards him than friendship. That moment still yet has to come.

Because every night when you're alone, all you can think about is him. The one who you love, the one you crave and want. The one you miss.

So in a moment of weakness, you open your drawer on your bedside and take out a small piece of paper with numbers on it. A phone number that you swore you'd never dial again.

Against your better judgement, you knew you'd call again because even if you deleted the number from your phone, you still kept it on a small piece of paper.

A few rings in and the person on the other side picks it up.

"Y/n?" He sounds surprised.

Bet he is. You two didn't talk for two months, since you broke things off.

How stupid it was to call him. He probably moved on and is in a happy place, why did you want to make a fool out of yourself?

"Y/n are you there?"

"Yeah…" Your voice came out unevenly. Your eyes became teary.

"Is everything okay?" His voice changed from surprised to confused. Of course, he's confused. "Are you okay?"

And that question was the last drop for you. Two months of suffering, missing came to the surface. "I miss you" You cried to the phone.

"I miss you so much it hurts" He sighed. You could imagine him running his hand through his dark hair. Maybe it's even longer than when you've last seen him. Maybe he'd cut it back. Both ways he was breathtaking.

"Let's not do this to each other again" His voice came out strained too, but you didn't realize that because of your breakdown. Then, he hung up the call, but you were determined.

✩✩✩

But does he know the pictures that you keep?

You've sat in your car in front of the old brick building for ten minutes, looking through the pictures you couldn't delete.

The first picture was from your first date when Jungkook all those years ago took you to the city fair and won you a small plushie - the one you still sleep with until this day. It makes you feel closer to him like you still have some part of him.

The second picture was from Jungkook's brother's wedding. You two were actually broken up during that time, however, at the end of that night you let your first I love you known.

The last picture with him was a couple hours before your break up. You were having a marvel marathon, watching the movies in chronological order from Disney+. You were happy, smiling in the picture while he was laying down on the couch with his head in your lap.

So how did you two end up breaking up? A guy from work called you because he needed help with a project. Then came the fight, the tears, the yelling and the defeat. He said maybe it would be better to end things, for good now.

You two ended things a couple times in your four years together, but this one really felt different. You never had an official break-up before.

Every time a fight like that came, one of you said I'm done, the other said yeah, okay and a week or two later, when you gave enough space to the other, one of you would reach out.

This time, however, none of you did.

Drying the tears on your face you got out of your car and headed inside the building. You've entered the code and went up to the third floor.

You have walked those stairs many times, but you have never felt as nervous as now. Not even when you broke Jungkook's favourite mug and had to face him - the mug was an Iron Man one, by the way.

You knocked on the door with the A13 on it. Your thoughts were running wild, trying to figure out what to say to him when he opens the door. However, you didn't need to say anything because instead of Jungkook a young girl stood in front of you.

Turns out he moved away, and you didn't even know where.

So you walked the stairs one floor higher and knocked on another door. Jungkook's best friend, Jimin was living there with his girlfriend.

"Y/n? What are you doing here?" You could clearly see the confusion on his face.

But you didn't care, you had a question to ask.. and you weren't leaving without an answer.

✩✩✩

But does he know the reasons that you cry?

Again, you were in front of a door trying to think about what to say. This time, however, you were in a much nicer building in a much nicer part of the city.

You have many questions, although you know the answer is obvious - they're not concerning you.

You put your hand up to ring the doorbell and put it back down three times already. Should you or should you not?

Maybe you should not. There's a reason he moved without telling you. For some reason, he didn't reach out to you.

"Y/n?" A very familiar voice came from behind you.

You turned around and that's when you saw him. Jungkook was dressed in a hoodie and jogger, holding a blue plastic bag. You could see ice cream in it, the one type he eats when he feels sad or down.

You opened your mouth to say something but nothing came out. You felt like crying again, and when you tried to keep your sobs in, Jungkook came up to you and hugged you.

He opened the door and let you in. He went to put down his bags, poured you some water and led you to the couch, while not even once letting go of your hand.

He sat next to you, moving his hand up and down on your back. When he thought you've somewhat calmed down, he quietly asked you. "What are you doing here?"

Jungkook's heart was breaking. When he saw you calling him, his immediate thought was that something bad happened. Why would you call him at 11PM on a Friday night?

When you told him you miss him, he felt like someone punched him in the guts. He misses you too, if not more than you miss him. But what you had wasn't healthy.

Neither of you could change your ways, and your differences were crashing so much.

He was laid back, and you were a planner. He let everything go as it is, you loved to control - or at least try to - how things go. He didn't give a fuck about what others thought, you always cared about others' opinions. He was not giving more than necessary to others, well except his close friends, you were giving everything to everyone.

Deep down, you both were just insecure because you both knew that the other deserve the change you were not willing to make.

"I tried. I tried so hard to just start anew." You started to answer his question with a shaky voice "Everyone is telling me to forget you, everyone was pressuring me to go out with Haewon. And I did"

Haewon is the dude who got you into this mess in the first place. If it wasn't for him, Jungkook wouldn't have flipped out that faithful day. Hearing that you went out with him, Jungkook couldn't help but feel some kind of betrayal.

Jungook's eyes were always so expressive. Even if he tried to hide what he feels, one could always see it in his eyes. This time was no different.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" You've cried "They were telling me all these things. That I deserve better, that maybe I really need to leave us behind." You inhaled a deep breath "And I thought you want an out. So I tried. I tried to give you that space."

Jungkook looked straight ahead, he felt like crying too. "I think" He started, "I think you deserve Haewon. Even when we were together, he always knew how to help you with work and you two were so compatible, so alike"

You stood up fast. "So just because I'm alike with someone I should be with them? Why does everyone want me to be without you, including you?" You were now pulling on your hair in frustration "He would be a good husband, he would be a good father. I don't doubt that, but why do I have to be in the picture for that?"

Jungkook let out a humourless chuckle "Your mom always wanted grandkids early, you know that"

"She wanted it with you too, she just realized we're not going to give her that"

"And she decided it was because of me" He rolled his eyes, but you could hear the accusation in his voice

"I've never let her think that it's because of you. I always told her that we're just not ready for marriage or children" You were hurt that he thought you'd let him be the bad guy in your mom's plans.

"So why did you cry on the phone for Jaeri that you want to be a bride? That you don't know why you're with me if we're not going anywhere with our relationship?" He asked with slight anger in his voice

You looked at him with a confused expression. What is he talking about? "What?"

"I went to visit you at work a couple days before we.." He didn't say it out loud, before we broke up "And Haewon asked me when am I planning to propose because he heard you crying to Jaeri"

You sat down next to Jungkook and looked straight into his eyes. "I've never, ever said anything like that. Obviously, if you'd asked me I'd have said yes in a heartbeat. But I was content where we were. I was happy with you, didn't matter if husband or boyfriend… what mattered was that it was you."

You sat next to each other in silence for minutes. "Do you still love me?"

He didn't look at you. He turned his head away, biting his lips. "I don't"

✩✩✩

Or tell me, does he know where your heart lies?

The next day you called Haewon before work to meet up for breakfast with him.

You had a rough night. You came back from Jungkook's after 2AM and you continued to cry until the morning.

Your eyes were puffy and red, and you're sure your face is swollen too.

"Hi beautiful" Haewon tried to kiss you on the lips, but you turned your head.

"Why did you tell Jungkook that I want him to marry me?" You wanted answers, and you wanted them now.

"I didn't say anything like that to him," He said, reading through the menu, not taking you seriously.

"Well, he said you did"

"And you rather believe him than me?" He put the menu back on the table

"Yes" You answered immediately "Look Haewon, you're a nice guy. But I don't like you like that and I… I still love Jungkook. It wouldn't be fair to you"

"I see" He let out a small laugh "You know, it's such a shame that you are hooked up on that guy. He doesn't have a good job, and he never treated you right… I don't know what you see in him."

"Don't talk about him that way. Don't ruin my opinion about you please, I love working with you and we make a good team - don't ruin that." You said with an edge in your voice. You're not letting anyone talk bad about Jungkook. Then you softened your voice. "Are you still up for breakfast?"

So you two ate and went to work together. After you were done, you didn't go home. Instead, you drove back to Jungkook's place.

You were thinking all day about the previous night, and you came to the conclusion that you didn't say everything you wanted.

You knocked on the door, hoping that he was home. When he opened the door you didn't give him time to react, you slipped into the room next to him.

"I know you said you don't love me anymore. But I do. I love you. Since we met in the library during college. I loved you every day for the past years. No matter if we were together or not, if we fought or not. You're it for me. And I don't believe you don't love me. So look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't"

One moment you were telling him how much you love him, the next he was kissing you.

You've kissed him countless times before, but each kiss gives you the same feeling. It's magical and you can feel the love through it.

"How could I not love you? I've tried to give you an out, but you're it for me too. I don't want anyone else if I can't have you. I rather am alone than with someone else."

You kissed him or at least tried because you couldn't stop smiling. "I know we have a lot of things to work on. There are a lot of things to fix and grow from. But I'll rather work on us than leave us fade away"

Maybe you're running in circles and nothing will change. One thing is for sure, you love each other, and right now you're not near ready to live without the other.

✩✩✩

Right here with me, babe Where it truly lies

That night you stayed over. You were laying in bed, cuddling with Jungkook.

"So why did you move?" You asked out of curiosity. It's been two months but he never said anything about moving before that either.

"Yeah, about that…" He started and you looked up at him, waiting on him to finish what he was saying "I actually wanted to move in with you"

[yesttoheaven]

AMOR FATI

pairing – neil x female!reader

wc – 3.8k

warnings – mention of death, self-blame, anxious/intrusive thoughts, questioning reality, refusal of help, guns, stalking, but I swear there's a light at the end of the tunnel haha

a/n – The last time I suffered so hard for the death of a character, was when Newt died (Maze Runner) and now Neil has captured all my attention and his death has hit me in the same way 😩 I needed a happy ending so I decided to write this!

The Eternal Return and Amor Fati mentioned in this fic are one of the main ideas of Nietzsche's philosophy.

English is not my first language. I am getting help from google translator and he is not always a good ally, so I apologize for any typos or grammar errors.

Y/N – your name

She approached the painting hanging on the wall, watching the details closely. Ouroboros. A serpent eating its own tail. Months ago, when Y/N was visiting an antique store in Mumbai, she saw that same symbol. The owner of the establishment approached when she realized her interest in the piece and explained that Ouroboros represents the ideas of movement, continuity and, in consequence, Eternal Return. A concept that the universe and all existence and energy has been recurring, and will continue to recur, in a self-similar form an infinite number of times across infinite time or space.

"Max finally fell asleep." Kat returned to the living room, attracting Y/N's attention.

She walked away from the painting, taking back her seat on the sofa and asked:

"How is he after everything that happened?"

For a moment, Kat looked at the painting on the wall and then at the friend she won in the midst of confusion over the Algorithm. At that time, despite being fighting on the front lines to prevent a possible Third World War, Y/N seems complete. Happy. Today that happiness no longer exists in her eyes.

Letting out a sigh, the woman sat next to her, answering:

"Sator was never a present father. He was always busy... now i can see the kind of work he was involved in. Anyway, Max just got used to his absence."

"It's notable that he's happier at your side. When we first met Max was a bit of an introvert, but today he is radiant." Y/N confessed, showing a small smile and the blonde shook her head, agreeing with her words. "How's everything?"

"Perfectly well. It's weird sometimes... After years of being stuck in a failed relationship, freedom is good."

"It seems like life is good for one of us." The woman let out a bitter laugh, putting the latest events on a scale, but she didn’t want her friend to think she wasn’t happy for her. She really was. "I'm sorry, I just..." The words remain stuck in her throat, while she covers her face with her hands. In addition to physical and mental fatigue, Y/N tried to hide her grief.

Kat touched her shoulder, showing that she was here.

"I know you're hurt, but it's been three months and you never talked about what happened that day... This is not good for you."

"What do I have to say, Kat? The guy I fell in love with was a fucking time traveler! And now he's dead and I don't know what to do. My life just... stopped without him."

"I can imagine how difficult it's for you to cross that line without Neil at your side, but giving up is not an option. Grief is consuming you little by little and you are just accepting it..."

"We are trained to contain our emotions and deal with death in the best possible way. It used to be easy for me, but then he came and turned my life upside down." Y/N put her hands on her knees and stood up, walking without an exact destination. "Neil was always one step ahead of us all..." She stepped forward too and found the painting again, but her mind was lost in thoughts about him. Neil knew her so well. And he had a charming smile, but completely arrogant at the same time. "I was sent to Mumbai to help two agents and when I arrived at Priya's penthouse that night, there he was. When he saw me, that was the first and only time that he let his guard down. I'll never forget how he looked at me, it was one of those breathtaking moments... Completely cliché, I know."

On the sofa, Kat was impressed. When Y/N turned towards her, there was a bright smile on her face. The simple memory brought her a breath of happiness and Kat enjoyed seeing her friend like that, but unfortunately that moment did not last long. Memories aren't enough. Neil is dead and nothing can change that.

"I miss him so much, Kat." The smile disappeared as soon as tears appeared in her eyes, cascading down her cheeks.

"My dear..." Worried about her, the woman got up quickly and approached Y/N, wrapping her in a tight hug. "I'm really sorry."

"I spent the last three months locked up in my a-apartment because I thought I could handle this situation on my own. At times I b-believed it was just a fever dream... Maybe I was losing my mind, but this is proof that everything was real." Through tears blurring her vision, she looked at the watch on her wrist, remembering that night.

Y/N was in a private cabin on the ship. The others were with Ives and Wheeler, going over the mission in search of any loose ends. A standard procedure. Y/N knew she should be with them, but she needed a moment alone to organize her thoughts. And that moment is now. The past few weeks had been a real mess. The inversion was difficult to explain and mainly to understand. She was used to field missions, but being an inverted soldier on the battlefield was not in her plans. Either way, she agreed to be a part of it and running away with biased assumptions was not going to help. Humanity depends on them.

Three knocking on the door caught Y/N's attention, but she remained silent, waiting for the person to give up and leave, but when it didn't, she just murmured 'Come in'.

"So, here you are." The man used a surprised tone of voice and closed the door behind him. "What will our superior think when he learns that you are running away from the briefing?"

She let out a laugh before answering in the same mood:

"Don't worry, I know this mission like the back of my hand. I just needed a moment."

"There's something wrong? Are you ok?" Neil spilled the questions quickly, visibly concerned for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Neil." Y/N smiled at him, but looked away just seconds later, confessing: "Maybe I'm a little surprised by the situation. I have spent years dealing with terrorists, but the inversion is really not my point."

"I'm not good with advice, but someone once said to me: Don't try to understand. Certain things in the world do not need an explanation."

"It's wise advice, but I'm a methodical person. Logic has always been my ally in missions."

"A methodical person, huh?" He asked with an arrogant smile playing on his lips and she just rolled her eyes. "I know how worried you were when Sator shot Kat, but we are using the inversion to save the world and you're one of the most brilliant agents I have ever seen. Everything will be fine."

"Are you praising me?"

"What's that? Can't I praise my partner's talent?" Neil pulled up a chair to sit across from her, crossing his arms.

"In that case, thank you. Remind me to put this on my resume." Those words made him laugh and that sound could easily be compared to music in her ears.

Touching her knee, Neil added:

"We are very confident with the mission. You don't need to worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I cannot say that unforeseen events do not happen, but we are prepared for that." Y/N knew he was right, but this mission is the biggest one so far. It's not about saving a country. It's about saving the entire world. This was arousing insecurities in her and it was like walking in a minefield. Ironically, she was familiar with this, but not in such catastrophic proportions. "I want you to have this." The man took his watch off his wrist and handed it to her.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" The question came out as a whisper from between her lips.

It didn't make sense. Why does everything in this conversation look like a farewell?

"We will be on opposite sides tomorrow, but i want you to know... I will always be with you, Y/N."

"I saw the way he looked at you... That's how I used to look at Sator before he became a monster in my life." Kat started, running a hand through Y/N's hair. "When I was lying on that stretcher and partially drugged with the medicines, I saw him beside you... watching you sleep. There was so much love in his eyes. Love for a lifetime, Y/N. So don't do this to yourself. The way he left hurt us all, but there was nothing you or any other agent could do to change what happened at Stalask-12. Neil saved the world. This gave us a second chance. You cannot give up now. This organization needs you. And keeping your mind busy at that moment is the first step towards a fresh start."

"N-No, I can't..." She broke the hug, shaking her head in denial. "I left the organization."

"What? Don't you work for Tenet anymore? But when we first met you told me that you can't imagine working in another area... And that this is your life's work."

"Being an agent is my life's work. I was in Yemen when Tenet found me and assigned me to this mission. My only job is to make this world a less hostile place, but the motto of this organization is not what I believe, Kat. What's happened's happened. Really? It doesn't work for me." Y/N ended the sentence with drops of anger in her voice and Kat did not say a single word.

Through the newspapers, Max's mother followed what was happening in Yemen over the years – a real endless war – and knowing that Y/N was in the middle of it, makes the situation unquestionable. People died in front of her eyes. Friends of the corporation. And then some time later, Tenet arrived with a fresh start, but in the end everything remained the same. She lost Neil. It is as if her life's work never had a happy ending because the world will never stop being a hostile place.

"He knows?" It was easy for Y/N to identify who she was talking about. The Protagonist. Or just TP.

"Here's another problem. I worked with him and indirectly worked for him at the same time! God, that man created this organization! And his name remains a mystery to us all!" She pinched the tip of her nose, feeling frustrated with all the secrets that haunt this organization. "And answering your question, yes, he knows, but he did not argue about it. I was a complete mess and he was not doing very well either... He stayed in my apartment for the first month, probably to make sure I didn't do anything stupid." And Y/N would be forever grateful for that. She likes him. Just as friends, of course. TP was a reserved man, but it was he who held her when everything was falling apart. "But we've had a fight. I blamed him for what happened at Stalask-12 and since then we haven't spoken anymore."

It was easy to see that they carried more pain than they could actually bear. Y/N lost her great love and the man lost his best friend. The situation just turned into a conflict between them and that was the result.

Realizing the sadness reflected in Y/N's eyes, Kat decided to change the subject of the conversation. Keeping that thought, she smiled and pointed to the painting on the wall. Maybe that could help.

"You seemed interested in this one."

"Oh yes, in my spare time I am a lover of art and its meanings. It is really attractive the way Ouroboros is connected to the Eternal Return..."

"And Amor Fati too." Kat completed, piquing Y/N's curiosity. This part was new to her. "It's impossible to affirm the Eternal Return without loving life. We need to learn that things happen as they do. Sometimes seemingly good. Sometimes seemingly bad. We don’t always get it our way... Unless we choose that whatever way it is, is our way. When we choose to Amor Fati, to love everything that happens, to love our fate, then we will always get it our way. Because the way it is, is the way it is. Unchangable. And therefore it must be good, even if it sucks."

These words touched Y/N's heart. This was a contradiction to what she is experiencing right now. Love your fate. She would like to understand and accept what happened, she really wanted, but why is it so difficult to move on?

Because Neil is dead.

That was the only explanation for her. The end of a relationship would be more acceptable. If he were alive, things would be completely different now. However, grief is overwhelming. How could she just accept what happened?

"I... I gotta go." That was all she managed to say before picking up her bag and leave the penthouse, ignoring Kat's protests.

When the elevator doors closed, an exhausted sigh left her mouth and the instant she saw her reflection in the mirror, Y/N wanted to cry again. After three months alone, she thought visiting her friend would be a good idea. Kat was willing to help, but the problem was that Y/N is not allowing herself to be helped. As soon as the doors opened, she left the metal box and found the hotel lobby partially empty. Her watch showed it was 3:13 AM, this explains the absence of people on the street as well. In front of her car, she searched the bag for the key and coincidentally her cell phone started to vibrate. Probably the text messages were from Kat, but confusion hit Y/N the instant she looked at the identifier and saw that the messages did not belong to any of her contacts.

Stay away from the car

They put a bomb

I'm on my way

Her first reaction was to take a few steps back and look around, trying to understand what’s going on and find the person responsible for these texts, but Y/N was alone in the dark street. When she thought it might be an unnecessary prank, a black SUV approached at high speed. The car stopped just a few meters away from where she was, but that was enough to make her body freeze.

"Y/N, come on!" The man exclaimed, the urgency in his voice would have made her run immediately, but she didn't move. Her feet had frozen on the floor. This cannot be real. "Come on, get in the car! We don't have much time!" He tried again, it was possible to hear the sound of the other cars approaching.

Y/N watched in slow motion the moment he left the car and ran towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"How is this possible?" She asked in a whisper, completely lost in his blue eyes.

"It's good to see you too." Neil admitted, feeling his heart race. She looked so fragile in his arms. Very different from the last time he saw her. "We have to go." He accompanied her to the car and as soon as Y/N took the passenger seat, he returned to his seat.

For her this moment was like a fever dream, so she just looked down and started counting her fingers. One, two, three, four, five... Neil noticed, but said nothing, just kept driving. The cars were fast approaching, but he would do everything possible and impossible to get Y/N away from these people.

"Give me your cell phone." He looked at her for a brief moment, but when Y/N didn’t react, he wasn't sure if she heard it, so he just took the phone from her hand and threw it out the window. That was enough to get her out of the numbness:

"What the fuck, Neil?!"

Despite the adrenaline rushing through his body, the man laughed.

"If I found you because of your cell phone, they can too." After that, he crossed the red light and made a risky turn, trying to end this chase. "Before you ask, no, this is not a dream. Unfortunately this is very real..." Neil didn't like what he saw when he adjusted the rearview mirror. "And now they are getting ready to shoot us."

That observation put Y/N on alert and she looked back, seeing a man with an AKS-74U and another with a Beretta M12.

"If you knew it wasn't a dream, why didn't you bring an armored car?" She ran her tongue between her lips, smiling at the man beside her. Neil tried to argue, but she just took off her seat belt and picked up the Glock 19 stuck in the vest he was wearing.

Y/N crawled out of the car and sat at the window opening. This encouraged the men in the two cars to start shooting, trying desperately to hit her. Neil shouted something that she couldn't understand and then she felt one of his hands on her thigh, giving her stability to continue with the plan. With her arm resting on the roof of the vehicle, Y/N aimed the gun at the car that was closest to them. Her intention was not to start a firefight in the middle of one of the main avenues in the city, but she had no other option. Holding her breath, she fired the first shot and the bullet hit the tire, taking the car out of circulation. Y/N celebrated while preparing for the second car, but dealing with this one was not an easy task. Now they were in a tunnel and, consequently, losing speed because of the other cars that came along the way. Neil left two pats on her leg, indicating that she had better get back in the car and that is what she did. Screams, honks and gunshots echoed through the tunnel, turning the place into a war zone. Whoever these men were, Y/N knew they weren't going to give up.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, she went to the back seat, getting on her knees. Through the broken glass above the trunk, Y/N adjusted the aim of her gun, ignoring the sniper and focusing on the driver. With another accurate shot, the bullet hit the man's chest and he lost control of the vehicle. The car overturned for a while, streaking the asphalt, but no other car was involved in the accident. Y/N sighed in relief and looked for another possible threat, just checking, but when she realized that the area was clean, she returned to the passenger seat, leaving the gun on the dashboard in front of her.

"Next time I'm going to get an armored car." Neil comments, stepping on the gas. "Nice shot, by the way."

"Anytime." Y/N smiled, trying to control her breathing.

With the adrenaline disappearing from her body, it was hard for her to believe that this was really happening. For many nights she cried, wondering what it would be like if Neil just came back to her, but now she was afraid to wake up and realize that it was just another vivid dream.

The sun was rising when they arrived in a shed away from the city. Seen from the outside, the place was a little scary, but the interior wasn't that bad. There was some equipment like trackers, walkie-talkie, bulletproof vests, weapons, ammunition; a table with a mess of papers and on the other side two beds and something that Y/N supposed to be a private bathroom.

"Where we are?"

We. That simple word echoed in her mind. Y/N thought that "we" didn't exist anymore.

"For now in a safe place. It's dangerous for you out there." He answered the question and took a bottle of water, handing it to her after taking a generous sip.

"Who are these people, Neil?" She wanted answers, lots of answers, and that frustrated the british spy because for the first time he didn't know what could happen.

Neil had a mission and that mission ended with him dying in Stalask-12, but after what TP did, everything changed.

"We have a name..." He wanted to say more, he wanted to reassure her, but that was all he had at the moment.

Y/N drank some water and left the bottle on the table, looking at some reports and photos. All photos were of the same man.

Lenard Vaher

"But apparently they don't just want you..."

It took a few seconds and when the realization hit Y/N, concern appeared on her face.

No, not him.

"Where's TP? He's safe, right?"

"He was going to see you when Lenard's men kidnapped him. This happened three weeks ago." And considering the anger in Neil's voice, finding TP was proving an almost impossible task, but in the midst of so much concern, one point attracted Y/N's attention.

"You said he was going to see me..."

"There was something he needed to tell you." Neil sighed, resting his hands on the table. A few strands of blond hair fell over his forehead, but he quickly shook his head back, as he always did. "He returned to Stalask-12, Y/N."

After that statement, the only sound that could be heard was Neil's footsteps closing the distance between them and the first thing she did was put her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. Neil smiled. And that was not one of his famous smiles. That was a shy smile. His heart was beating like a drum and it was all because of her. Loving Y/N was something so special and pure, that Neil accepted his fate without a second thought. Saving the world, he was giving her a second chance to live, but now he is the one who received a second chance.

"I missed you every day." Before she could begin to consider the meaning behind his words, he settled his mouth upon hers, robbing her of thought.

She closed her eyes and melted against him, flattening her hands on his arms. Neil caught her bottom lip in his teeth, nibbling and licking at it until she thought she might perish from the intensity of the feeling. She whimpered at the sensation, and he rewarded the sound by deepening the kiss, giving her everything she desired. His tongue stroked hers, slow and insistent. A lush, decadent pleasure unfolded within them, snaking through their veins as though it had lain coiled in anticipation for years.

Just waiting for this moment.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

a/n – really hope you enjoy it and thank you soooo much for reading ;)

[kittenwhiskers]

Aww I'm so sorry! I hope you get to feeling better soon! 💕

Here's a little Mama Inko headcanon story that I just came up with to hopefully cheer you up a bit :D

The headcanon: Ok so, you know how Izuku is somehow this super happy bubbly kid despite all the bullying he experienced up until highschool? Well, I headcanon the idea that his mom would sometimes tickle him to cheer him up after a bad day at school, and it really helped him to cope with it over the years without turning to more harmful methods.

A Bad Day

Izuku sighed as he unlocked the door to the apartment he shared with his mother. Kacchan and his friends had been especially cruel today, and his English teacher had yelled at him for stuttering to much during his presentation. Overall, not really a good day.

"Izuku honey? Is that you?"

Oh. That was mom, and by the smell of it, she was probably making dinner right now. Usually he would help out, but after everything that had happened today..

'I'd.. probably just be in the way.. After all, what could a useless Deku like me ever do to-'

"Izuku? Honey are you alright? Your muttering again.."

"Ah! Mom! Uh- hi! Yeah I'm just fine, just a little tired that's all! I'm just gonna go to my room now! Don't wanna be a burden, er, I mean, uh- loveyoubyee!"

He started to make a run for it, but his little slip up had already clued his mother in, and there was no way she was letting him go while having those kinds of thoughts. She already knew that he probably wouldn't tell her what was going on, even if she asked, and besides, she already had her suspicions. However, there was always one tactic that had always worked when it came to her son's self deprecating moods, and it looked as if now was a good time to use it.

"Izuku?.."

He paused at his door and looked back at her questioningly, insecurity and sadness practically radiating off of him.

"...Greenbean?"

He blushed slightly at the familiar codeword. The one they'd come up with years ago when the bullying had first started. His mother was asking if she could cheer him up with-

"Y-yes.." He answered, without even really having to think about it. "Yes mom. P-please.."

She nodded once before closing the gap between them, and Izuku could already feel a wobbly smile forming on his face out of anticipation.

Slowly, ever so slowly, she reached out to him and started tickling his sides gently, a warm yet sad smile on her face, and he immediately dissolved into a fit of soft giggles that made the tears that had already been building up behind his eyes start to pour freely down his cheeks, but not out of sadness this time, instead, it was out of pure gratitude and affection for this amazing woman he had the pleasure of calling his mother.

"M-mom! Hehe! Thahahank you! I lohohove you mom!!"

He practically dove into her arms, and despite the fact that she was so much smaller than him, she caught him readily and wrapped her arms around him as he cried quietly into her shoulder.

"You could never be a burden to me baby. Never. I love you Izuku. Never forget that."

GAAAH I LOVE LER MOM SCENARIOS. And ler Inko? Blessed. Thank you a million for this ❤️❤️❤️

[laws-yellow-submarine]

Happy Easter, it's random story time cause I'm reminiscing for some reason and it's actually writing related lmao

Today I'm remembering the one creative writing class I ever took, my senior year of high school. The teacher gave us an assignment to pick a photo from an array of photos she had on hand, and write a poem inspired by it.

I picked the flamingo picture.

Because of course I did lol

So I made the attempt to write an acrostic poem (poetry is NOT my strong suit and I don't pretend it is, acrostics are easier on my brain lol). The substance was essentially a flamingo's thoughts, about how pretty and perfect she CLEARLY was and how she couldn't understand why no one seemed to like her (in reality she was incredibly insecure and lonely but covered it up by being very loud about how great she was)

When we went to read them in front of the class the teacher started the discussion off about how it didn't make any sense and it was too contradictory. Then a former friend of mine joined in. Then the rest of the class. All saying there's "no way someone can be so confident and so insecure at the same time".

(Meanwhile I'm standing right there-)

I tried to explain what I was going for (and maybe I didn't do a good job of that - I was still learning after all), but still nobody seemed to think that was even a possibility (despite the multiple ways I can come up with *right now* about how it can happen), so I was told to pick a different concept.

I didn't. For the final draft I changed a little punctuation then turned it in as is. Didn't get an A, but I didn't fail either. Still got the "???" comments from my teacher. Been thinking about it ever since lol

After first semester that teacher left on maternity leave and we got a substitute. I did extremely well my second semester - weird stories and unique concepts and all 😌

Anyway the moral of the story is bad teachers suck and good teachers rule; everyone always talks about having that one English teacher that inspired you or made you want to keep writing, that substitute was my English teacher lol she fostered so much of my creativity and I'm still thinking fond thoughts almost 10 years later (👵), and I think a part of why she was so awesome was because she was the librarian's daughter (so also thank the universe for librarians lol)

Also we would geek out about LOTR and Doctor Who in class and she let me write Doctor Who fanfic for a grade - that sub was AMAZING

[blue-mold-gi]

Happy birthday my beloved Noemi <3

I know we don't visit Tumblr as much as we used before, but I didn't  wanna lose the tradition to come here and congratulate you, bc well, this is where all started 🥺

I remember back then I wasn't comfortable with online interaction in English. I was a regular Tumblr user bc I was in the app since a long time ago but when I started stanning  BTS I started to spend more time in this app. I used to read stuff, and I remember the creators used to interact with the readers thru the Q&A option.

Once I came across to one of your sm aus and I liked it so much that I clicked on your page and followed you,  and then I read the other aus that were on your masterlist, to the point I didn't have much to read and started to wait for updates of the current aus that you were posting. I don't remember which one was it, but I do remember it had some type of mystery or clues to resolve, which I liked a lot. You created a space with the readers in which they wrote their theories and also opinions and reactions of the parts you were updating, and it was a beautiful feedback and fun to watch, it was so entertaining and it made everything better (I have never told you but to me you were my fav au writer bc you were so creative). So I wanted to participate and give feedback too, it was a really fun and beautiful community, so despite my insecurities with the English language I wanted to try, and i did bc somehow I felt I wasn't gonna be judged, different than in other blogs.

I used to ask you questions or send you theories by the "~B " pseudonym (to not be -A from ppl yknow), but still I wasn't brave enough to send you a direct message bc I was insecure with the language and shy bc I didn't know what to talk about, so I feared, even bc I thought  that maybe it would be creepy to do, idk I was dumb.

But naturally it happen, I remember you posted about not feeling well bc of a thing that happened and I sent you a DM instead of a question, and from there we started talking.

We shared our instas, we started sending audios in English to practice together, then we started to chat everyday, sharing not only about kpop, anime, songs, movies or whatever, but things in our daily lives... and just like that you became someone so important in my life, I cannot imagine a world where you're not here, at distance, but with me, close in my heart.

I found my soulmate, a person who even tho we aren't in the same part of the world, has seen my best and my worst, my fun and my boring, my happy and sad, and I have seen hers too.

There aren't words that can describe the love, affection and gratefulness I feel for you, but I describe it as soulmates. You complement me, a lot of people think soulmates are the exact copy of one another but it's not, we have different things in either things we like or dislike, things we might think, food we like (ain't forgetting about mangos), songs, styles, opinions, etc, and that's the beauty of all, bc we are there for each other, we have a space of discussion, of learning, of complements, of being vulnerable. And I love that, bc I have grown with you, I have learned with you, and I feel like I'm happy and better and joyful with you.

You're my favorite person in the world 🥺 I have so much love for you, respect and admiration. Because you're so strong, and so damn fucking talented, you're one of the most beautiful (in and out) person I ever met, and I just want the world to see how much you shine.

You mean more than the world to me, and I'm so glad that you're turning one more year, bc even tho the future is not certain, and it's scary, it's an amazing opportunity for big things, that can be self love and grow, and aspects with our personal lives and goals, and also new things that we like and makes our heart full.

I'm excited bc I can be here seeing that it's your birthday and even tho we are far apart, that I can be part of it and share it with you. I'm excited for more memories and to share many more experiences with you.

I WUV YOU A LOOOOOOOOOOOT! A WHOLE LOOOOOOT MI AMOOOOOOOOOR!

And I wish you a beautiful  birthday, hope my virtual hug reaches and that you eat a yummy cake!

Hope big things and big beautiful news come this year to you, and for the bad and ugly, that I hope they don't come, I'll be here for you, always!

I LOVE YOUUUUU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! BUON COMPLEANNO! FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS!

Pd. Lee know is allowed to see you for today only.

@inclebtsmix

[cringeyvanillamilk]

Who are the three or five black bulls each of your ocs, Koli and Adva, are most closest to? And who are the three or five non-black bulls characters they're most closest to? I hope I'm making sense English isn't my main language >_>"

It made a lot of sense so you’re good~! I’m actually very happy that I get to talk about my OCs!! I’ve been waiting for this moment to come-!

Koli Igneus

It takes a while for Koli to warm up to anybody, but these three specific black bulls were able to defrost her cold heart!

Gordon Agrippa - Out of all the members of the black bulls, Gordon is Koli’s closest friend, aside from her childhood best friend Adva. Koli is very intuitive and so it’s easy for her to know whether someone is good or bad, but with Gordon she knew that there were no bad bones in his body. What drew Koli toward Gordon was his genuine desire to make friends with other people. Koli is more of an ‘action speaks louder than words’ kind of woman, and Gordon’s actions only told her that he just wants to be close friends. Koli found Gordon’s attempt at participating with the other black bulls to be very charming, and so she decided to befriend Gordon and hang out with him. Gordon is happy to finally be close friends with someone who doesn’t ignore him or get creeped out by his appearance. If Koli isn’t with Adva, she’s usually with Gordon at the corner of the room.

Yami Sukehiro - Yami was the sole reason why she joined the Black Bulls and it was because of his interesting weapon of choice, a katana. Being a weapon fanatic herself, she was determined to learn how to use a katana and possibly create one using her cinder magic. Yami had no interest in teaching her because that’ll mean he’ll have to use effort, but after Koli’s countless attempts to get him to train her, he finally gave in. During their training session, Koli would learn how to fight with a katana and later other types of weapons from Yami’s homeland. After each session, they got more closer with each other. Koli was able to learn so much from Yami and grew to respect him as a captain. Yami teases her like anybody else, but Koli doesn’t mind since she was very appreciative of his cooperation from before.

Asta - When Asta first joined the squad, Koli was initially very standoffish towards him (and Noelle). But she was interested in him because of his anti-magic sword. The first few conversations they had together was mostly about his sword and how he fought with it. Other than that, she wasn’t interested in getting too close to Asta, despite Asta’s attempt to befriend her. Koli wasn’t that impressed with Asta’s declaration of wanting to be wizard king because she thought he was all talk, but soon realized just how wrong she was. After witnessing him relentlessly train and not giving up despite all the odds stacked against him, Koli grew to respect Asta and his dream. What solidified her to respect and completely befriend Asta was during the Water Temple arc. Koli realized just how much of a good person he was and officially befriended Asta and initiated a lot of their conversations. Koli and Asta would usually train and workout together. Overall, Koli thinks of Asta as a cute puppy while Asta looks up to Koli like an older sister.

Koli has very few close friends outside of the black bulls due to her bad reputation and cold personality. But since her character arc revolves around trusting others and being a team player, she was able to gain some close friends.

Fuegoleon Vermillion - The main catalyst behind her character arc. These two didn't start off on the right foot, mainly due to Koli's refusal to apologize for her actions towards his subordinates during missions and for blatantly disrespecting him. Due to Koli’s past experiences with nobles, she automatically disliked Fuegoleon and purposely acted cold towards him. Koli’s opinion on Fuegoleon changed when they had to work together to protect the citizens during a surprise attack. Koli was about to defend the people alone, but Fuegoleon karate chopped her head and lectured her on how a magic knight should properly act. Fuegoleon’s passionate words resonated within Koli and made her rethink the way she was behaving towards others. His words began to sink in once he was in a coma and Koli felt extremely guilty and strived to change herself for the better. Fuegoleon’s sacrifice made Koli believe that he really was a good person and wanted to show her respect towards him by being a better person. They have a much better relationship once Koli started to open up a bit more and apologize for her actions. Fuegoleon in turn respected Koli’s determination to change and warmed up to her better than before.

Leopold Vermillion - Having been inspired by Fuegoleon, Koli ended up warming up to Leopold whenever they were in joint missions together. Koli got to know the Vermillion family a lot better through Leopold and Koli found Leopold’s honest and fiery nature to be charming. Leopold’s determined personality also reminded Koli of Asta which is why she found it easier to get closer to him. Koli got better at working as a team with Leopold which made Koli very appreciative towards him. For Leopold, he respected Koli’s skills and sharp instincts and declared Koli as his older sister figure. Overall, these two work well together.

She generally becomes more friendly towards the Crimson Lions whenever she sees them. She acted pretty harsh towards these members, but her change in attitude was able to have some of them forgive her. Other than these two, she isn’t close to anybody else outside of the Black Bulls! She’s slowly trying though! In the future, she might get close with someone like Klaus. It’s either because of his leadership skills and logical thinking or his love for Asta lmao. Charlotte is another person I can see Koli highly respecting! Charlotte is very strong and reliable, and Koli might gravitate towards her type of character!

Adva Euterpe

Adva has a friendly personality and makes friends easily compared to Koli! She has the perks of being an extrovert!

Finral Roulacase - Finral and Adva are basically on the same wavelength when it comes to having a good time. They make a great duo because whenever Finral needs entertainment for his mixers, Adva is always there to provide her service. Adva would even volunteer herself (and Koli) to participate in his mixers! Finral relies a lot on Adva for his past time which made them closer as a result. Finral loves how witty and socially adept Adva is and Adva loves how light-hearted and charming Finral is.They rely a lot on each other whenever the other needs help. Finral usually brings in an audience for Adva to perform in front of while Adva makes sure Finral’s mixer goes well. Adva also helps Finral feel more confident in himself which is greatly appreciated by him. And Adva is happy to perform for a lot of different people thanks to Finral’s help. They have an extremely close friendship!

Noelle Silva - Despite Noelle’s cold front when they first met, Adva was not fazed at all and found her personality to be really cute! Adva is very experienced with different types of people and knows how to melt Noelle’s cold exterior. Noelle was embarrassed by Adva’s willingness to befriend her but quickly warmed up to Adva. When Adva found out about Noelle’s insecurity over her magic control, she was very vocal about her support towards Noelle’s hard work. Adva would frequently encourage Noelle whenever she’s down and play relaxing music to calm her mind. Noelle grew even closer to Adva thanks to her constant encouragement and understanding personality, which made Noelle think of Adva as an older sister she wished she had (OOF). They have a very close relationship!

Charmy Pappitson - Adva and Charmy vibe pretty well with each other! They both don’t want any trouble and just want to indulge in their spare time! Charmy makes a lot of delicious food and so it’s a delight for Adva to join in and eat with her! Adva and Charmy are similar in terms of how carefree and easygoing they both are. They have no trouble with each other which means they always have a fun time together! Adva likes to perform at the base so she’d play pleasant music as Charmy eats! Because of how chill they are with each other, Charmy always offers food to Adva first.  

Vanessa Enoteca - Similarly to Adva’s relationship with Charmy, these two also have a chill and fun relationship with each other! Whenever Vanessa drinks, Adva is there performing songs and sometimes Vanessa would sing as Adva plays her instrument! Vanessa is a great singer and so they work very well together! Adva would ask Vanessa to join her when she performs because Adva thinks Vanessa should show off her singing voice more often! These two are also drinking partners, though Adva doesn’t drink as much as Vanessa! They both just want to have a good time together!

Zora Ideale - When it comes to these two, there’s always a battle of wits. Both are very intelligent people and there’s always a lot of funny banter between the two. Adva doesn’t get tricked easily and so Zora is always trying to outsmart Adva with his rainbow stink bug prank. In turn, Adva would try and outsmart Zora into doing what she wants, but he always figures her out and foils her plans. It’s a fun relationship where they both try to test each other’s intelligence! When they work together though, it’s trouble for everyone. Despite this playful relationship, Zora does help Adva out when it comes to her weaknesses. Zora calls out Adva whenever she’s acting irresponsible or lazy to help Adva be more consistent in changing herself for the better!

Outside of the black bulls, Adva also made some close friends! She usually socializes with normal citizens but these are a few major characters she has a good relationship with!

Rill Boismortier - Adva and Rill would definitely vibe with each other! Adva found Rill’s personality to be cute and entertaining and so she gravitated towards him! Rill was happy to have another friend and so he welcomed her with open arms! Adva doesn’t get easily offended by Rill’s actions and only finds him even more cute! Adva playing different genres of music as Rill paint is a fun session for the both of them!!

Sekke Bronzazza - If there were any stans for Sekke, Adva would definitely be one of them. And it's not because she thinks he’s actually cool, but rather because he’s a fun character to watch. Every time she sees Sekke do his thing, Adva can’t look away from the circus show that’s right in front of her. She gets so hyped up every time she sees him because she knows something hilarious is bound to happen. Sekke mistook her excitement over him as her falling in love with his charm when in actuality she just sees him as her entertainment lmao. They both become very happy when they see each other in the same area.

Another person I can see Adva befriending in the future is Kirsch. Why? Because it’s Kirsch and she finds him hilarious.

[fishball-and-sweet-potato]

Zero O'Clock - BirdCop Celebration + GIF Challenge (MLQC AU)

I just wanna join. I actually want to post this fic at ARMY day (9th of July), but here it is anyway!

Pairing : Leah Hong (MC) x Gavin Bai

Warning : triggering events (containing insecurity and anxiety)

Disclaimer : Leah is MC in this AU. In this AU, there is no Evol.

Genre : fluff

Words : 1,542

NB : this fic is also inspired from this song

“Leah, you should go home now. You just left the hospital yesterday, your body still needs time to be fully recovered,” Anna slowly shaked my body, waking me up.

Leah corrected her posture, “yeah, I know I should. But I don’t want to become a burden for all of you, and especially that’s because I’m in charge of this company now. I just feel like I’m the one that should be my fellow workers’ strength, and I failed you all, even my father…” unbeknownst to her, her eyes felt hot. Leah wanted to continue but her brain couldn’t process her emotions right now.

“No, you’re not. And believe me, we all have made mistakes when that talk show was supposed to be aired live. But still, we managed to do it well at last thanks to the content and technical errors,” Willow tried to assure her. Three days ago, Leah had a chance to interview Mrs. Peng, the owner of a well-known bak kut teh* shop named Seventh Heaven. The topic was about business’ survival strategies for small and medium enterprises amidst the economic crisis. Suddenly, her stomach felt painful and she couldn’t suppress it despite all her efforts, until she fainted. The first thing she thought when she gained my consciousness was, she was such an unprofessional disgrace for this show.

“I want to see the editing process for a while,” Leah replied, still refusing to do nothing.

“Boss, we can also lend you a shoulder. I’ll send it straight to you when it’s finished. Okay?” Kiki patted her shoulder.

Before Leah nodded in defeat, Minor continued, “Boss, I’m sorry for the shift of topic, but Gavin said to me that he will come to your house around 10 pm.”

She yawned, “why didn’t he tell me directly?”

Minor rolled his eyes, but suddenly he had a flustered look on his face, “eh, sorry, he already contacted you several times, but no answer from you.”

Leah checked my phone, it had no power. “Oh God, why am I so stupid? Gavin is definitely angry with me now,” she said resenting herself. The fact that she had done this earlier consumed all her sanity. She immediately turned on her phone, and her eyes almost popped out from their sockets seeing the amount of missed calls. The fact that this day was July 28th made her more shocked. “Okay, I gotta go now,” she said after her friends kept telling me the editing was almost finished.

Leah went to Seventh Heaven. Amidst the crowd, she could still hear the voice she knew really well greeted her first, “Leah, are you feeling better?”

“Mrs. Peng!” Leah slightly raised her voice and fastened her pace towards the middle-aged woman. “Yeah, I’m healthy now! I’m… I’m sorry…” suddenly the scene flashed her mind, her body felt heavy.

“You don’t need to. Let’s go inside,” Mrs. Peng replied, dragging her into the shop.

“I think the technical errors are made up…” Leah couldn’t help but loathed everything around her.

Mrs. Peng patted her, “we can’t prevent unexpected things from happening. Instead, the only thing we could do is to find ways so it would be meaningful.”

While Leah was digesting her words, Gavin’s smile entered her thought and erased her anxiety, “I want to buy two portions of pork tenderloin soup, one portion of fish soup, and one braised pork belly. All takeaways, please.”

“For who?” Mrs. Peng giggled. “Let me guess, your policeman friend…”

Leah blushed and tried to hide her embarrassment with all her might, “uh, Gavin, tomorrow is his birthday.”

Not long after, a waitress handed her orders. Leah waved goodbye at Mrs. Peng. Her home was quite far from her company and the shop, so she had to take a bus ride. She was listening to her favourite song, not realizing that she dozed off.

You know those days

Those days where you're sad for no reason

And it looks like everyone else except you is busy and fierce

Those days where your body is heavy

My feet won't set off, though it seems like I'm already too late

I'm hateful of the whole world

Yeah, here and there are click-clacking speed bumps

My heart grows crumpled and my words lessen

Why the hell? I ran so hard

Oh why to me

A bell sound gave her consciousness back. Finance Street Halt, Leah could read the sign clearly and hear the sound of the broadcaster telling the passengers to pay when they intended to leave the bus repeatedly. She hurriedly ran to my home, opened her phone. She just realized that she hadn’t replied to Gavin's messages. Without a second thought, she spammed him her apology. Not seeing any signs of his reply, she attempted to sleep because she was really beaten up. The only thing that kept her awake was the clock, reminding her of her faults and it was already 10.30 pm. She continued listening to the song, so she could relieve her stomach pain and irregular, fast-paced heartbeat.

Come home and lie in bed

Dizzy night, looking at the clock

Thinking if it was my fault?

Soon it will be midnight

When her mind was about to drift off, the bell rang. “Coming,” Leah said, running to the door. The first thing she saw after opening the door made her heart want to leap, but getting crumpled instead. Gavin was in his casual clothes, but with a solemn look on his face. “Gavin, you’re late. Come in,” she said, inviting him to enter her home. He only followed her without uttering any single word.

After both of them sat, he started speaking, “I’m sorry for not telling you, I just finished my work. Leah, have you eaten?”

Leah shook her head, “actually, I bought food from Seventh Heaven. Mrs. Peng is really generous despite all my mistakes.”

Seeing her held back her tears, Gavin approached her, then she felt a pair of warm arms encircled her. “You have done your best, Leah.”

“I’m just a nuisance,” she said coldly. “And yeah, the audience wasn’t really impressed because the airing time was rescheduled. That makes me think that I should get lost forever. And I even forget to return your calls...”

A pair of amber eyes pierced through her soul’s window, his hand patted her head gently, “I’m hateful of the world too. But, about the last thing, that makes me dead worried. Have I done something wrong? Because all I got is my own echo.”

Somehow, she finally managed to let out a laugh, “Minor told me that too. No, actually I’m just dumb. I forgot to charge my phone.”

Gavin sighed, a small but sincere smile curved from his mouth. “I’m here to accompany you tonight.”

Thanks to him, Leah felt much better. “Let’s eat now. I’ve been waiting for you so we can start making our tummy happy!” She was beyond glad because he loved the bak kut teh.

After the dinner was finished, she held his hand while guiding him to her bedroom. Gavin always gave her warmth despite his cold exterior. “Listen to this song with me, it really helps me cope with the present situation.”

Gavin was confused when he put one side of my earphones, “what song?” 

God, how Leah wished she could cuddle him. She showed him the English translation in order to make him understand the meaning better. He was a bit sulky that she liked the boy group that sang it a bit too much, but he tried hard to hide it by cuddling her tight.

It won't be something like that

Will something be different?

But this day will be over

When the minute and second hands overlap

The world holds its breath for a little while

Zero o’clock

Her reminder popped up. It was already July 29th, zero o’clock. They kept listening to the song.

(Ooh-ooh) And you're gonna be happy

(Ooh-ooh) And you're gonna be happy

Like that snow that just settled down

Let's breathe, like the first time

(Ooh-ooh) And you're gonna be happy

(Ooh-ooh) And you're gonna be happy

Turn this all around

When everything is new, zero o'clock

Leah paused the song, pulled herself from his cuddle, “happy birthday, Potato. I hope at this new year of your life, you’ll be happier and healthier.”

Gavin cuddled her again, “thank you so much, my Pumpkin. My wish is the same for you. I hope I’ll be the one who makes you get the happiness you deserve.”

She blushed, how could he be so smooth at times. He laughed at my reddened face. “Why are you laughing? Let us pray,” she said to divert her embarrassment.

They were holding hands, silently pouring all their wishes.

Put my hands together to pray

It'll be better, for me

Hoping that tomorrow I'll laugh more, for me

When this song ends

May a new song begin

Hoping that I'll be a little happier, yeah

Gavin caressed her hair after he saw her yawned. “Sleepy?”

“Yeah, finally. But I’m joyful because it’s the tranquility that makes me sleepy, not the usual tiredness,” Leah snuggled closer to him.

“Sweet dreams for us, then,” he closed his eyes, hugging her in their sleep.

*bak kut teh : a pork ribs / meat soup dish with salted vegetables (this is how it looks like)

This is the GIF :))

[bngtanah]

I'm (not) With The Band. | Prologue

summary: Adrienne is an indie producer who is hired to help co-produce BTS’ next album alongside their resident producer; Suga. Despite the initial opposition on both ends, the pair spend time together, share a few stories, dreams and aspirations and begin to hit it off really well. Wrapped up in the whirlwind of late nights and heated disagreements and reconciliations, Min Yoongi and Adrienne Rolle find themselves growing closer and closer. One night they decide to cross the barrier between personal and professional and do their best make a relationship work against all odds.

pairing: Min Yoongi  x Named OC

genre: drama, romance, smut

chapters: prologue| o1| o2| o3| o4| o5| o6| o7| o8| o9| 10| 11|

warning: light angst, smut, fluff, workplace relationship, slow burn, sexual themes, ambw, enemies to friends to lovers, developing relationship

a/n: still a fool. still re-uploading.

"It's good money, Adrienne."

Adrienne rolled her eyes quickly underneath her eyelids and switched her attention away from the woman sitting next to her.

"I get that but there is no way I'm moving to Korea, I can't even find Korea on a map!"

Adrienne and her older sister had been having this roundabout conversation for at least an hour and a half with no end in sight since neither side seemed interested in giving in.

"So what are you going to do? Just stick around here and make amazing songs for shitty rappers and musicians that don't wanna pay you?" Danielle's voice was monotone and completely lacking any tangible emotion but Adrienne could understand that this was her sister's way of trying to appeal to her common sense. "An opportunity like this doesn't knock twice, little one."

Adrienne bit back a witty remark because despite how much she didn't want to admit it she knew that her sister was right. She was barely making ends meet with the seedy pool of customers she had now and the select few that actually paid her on time only wanted to shell out pennies for what Adrienne considered high-quality work. There were times over the past few months when the money wasn't coming in and reactions from her clientele had her seriously doubting her talent that Adrienne genuinely regretted not going to college. There was no a guarantee that she would have been any better off than she was now but the constant 'what if' always made her second guess her choices when things weren't going her way. Her life now wasn't perfect but it was comfortable, she rented an efficiency from one of her sister's friends and worked a few odd jobs here and there to keep up with the bills. It was a simple life that she enjoyed and Adrienne wasn't so sure she had the courage to give it up.

"Alright, let's say I go for it" Adrienne stated in a softer voice.

"What happens if I can't keep up or they hate all my songs or they hate me? I wouldn't be able to come back here as a failure and honestly, Dani I don't know if I have what it takes to do this." Her voice wavered with raw insecurity as she nervously she began pulling on the ends of one of her long braids.

If Adrienne was being honest with herself, her own self-doubts were the main obstacle holding her back from just accepting this job. She was reasonably excited about the thought of moving to a different country and Danielle; who was married and expecting a child of her own, was the only family she had left. It was time for her to stop depending on her for so much and start carving out her own place in the world.

"Do you really think they would have contacted you if they didn't think you were more than good enough?"

"To be honest, I don't know why they reached out to me in the first place. All the music on my SoundCloud is in English and I've never heard of this company before they emailed me."

"Because it's good, dumb-dumb!" Danielle exclaimed while tugging on one of her sister's braids. "What's the name of these people again, you know I have to google," She asked with her phone already in hand.

"BigHit, I already looked them up. It's legit"

Danielle nodded but dismissed Adrienne's statement with a flick of her wrist, she needed to research everything for herself if she was going to send her baby sister off to some strange company for a job that may not even be real.

"Seriously, Dani I've looked it up they are an actual music company" Adrienne leaned forward to snatch the phone out of her hands, "They told me that if I decide to work with them I'd be working with a boyband called BTS."

"Boyband? Those still exist?"

"Yes! I was so confused at first but they're the real deal...which is another reason I don't want to go. I've been researching their songs from last year and the year before that and I don't know who's doing their music now but it's really good. Here, listen to this-"

Adrienne tossed her sister's phone back onto the couch and pulled her laptop off the coffee table and onto her lap, "It's all in Korean so ignore the words and just pay attention to the melody like I did" she informed as she pulled up 'Let Me Know', one of the recent tracks she'd been replaying.

Her eyes fell closed gently once she hit play and the first note rang out and Adrienne allowed herself to become lost in the music once again, she couldn't understand the lyrics but even without knowing the language Adrienne knew too well the feeling of heartache and desperation this song was meant to make you feel. That was always something she appreciated about music, no matter where you were from or how old you were a good song could bring people together in ways that words often couldn't. To Adrienne music truly was a universal language.

Once the song finished Adrienne put her laptop aside and looked up at her sister with a childlike stare, anticipating her reaction. "What? It's pretty" Danielle responded and Adrienne's shoulders immediately slumped downward.

"Pretty? Is that all you have to say?" 

"Yup. That's my review, it is a pretty song." 

"You sicken me, do you know that? If you weren't carrying my niece we would be pillow fighting right now." Adrienne grumbled and leaned down to pressed a kiss to Danielle's rounded tummy. She wasn't big yet but she was definitely beginning to show. 

"I keep telling you not to get your hopes up, Lloyd's siblings are all boys."

Adrienne pursed her lips and ignored Danielle then whispered to her stomach. "Shhh, I can tell you're a girl." 

"Stop talking to my fetus and get back up here, I'm not joking with you Andy I really think you should go for this job"

Adrienne bit the inside of cheek and slumped back against the cushions, she was silent for a few minutes as she tried to collect her thoughts and recall all the points that were made in their previous conversation.

"How am I supposed to fly half way around the world and tell these people that I can make better music than what they have now?"

Danielle sighed, her fingertips grazing over Adrienne's shoulder to gain her attention before pulling her into her arms to hug her and rest her chin against the top of Adrienne's head. 

"Do you think you're talented?"

"Yes....but-"

"Butts are for ashtrays, Adrienne. You are talented and that's the end of it, when you worry too much about comparing yourself to other people then you start in with the doubts. You didn't go to them they came to you, that wouldn't have happened if they didn't know that you were more than qualified for this." 

"I don't want to leave you."

"Oh little one," Danielle cooed and kissed Adrienne's scalp, threading her fingers through the younger girls braids, "I am going to be fine, I have Lloyd! And you're going to be making so many new friends you won't even have time to miss me."

Adrienne sniffed and wrapped her arms around her sister in a tighter hold, "You better not have this kid until I can come back and visit" She replied through the few tears that were falling from the brim of her eyes.

"Does that mean you're going?"

"I guess I'm moving to Korea."

"This isn't a joke, right? There aren't any hidden cameras, you're really going to let me do this?"

The excitement in Yoongi's voice was as foreign and authentic as the short happy dance he did in the middle of Bang Si-Hyuk's office before he caught hold of himself and regained his cool composure. 

"Yes I'm being serious" Si-Hyuk answered with a tiny grin "You've been showing a lot of improvement lately and I think you should take the lead on producing the group's next release."

Pale pink lips spread into a wide and almost child-like grin, those were words that Yoongi never thought he would hear. He always appreciated being able to contribute a song or two to their albums but to have the control and relative creative freedom over an entire body of work for his group was a professional goal that he never thought possible so early in his career. It really was too good to be true.

"Of course..." Si-Hyuk spoke up again and Yoongi came crashing back down to reality. 

"With your schedules and other responsibilities, it wouldn't be ideal to leave all the work on your shoulders alone."

"I assumed the producers here would be assisting me"

"Most of them are busy with other projects, we've decided to contract someone from the outside to co-produce along with you."

Yoongi nodded and leaned back in his seat, pressing his index finger against his lips in thought and to prevent himself from speaking out of turn. He didn't like this idea one bit and the previous feeling of excitement he had was dulled significantly by the thought of having to collaborate with someone he didn't even know. He wanted to speak up, voice his opposition before he was saddled with the dead weight of a co-producer who probably had no idea what they were doing. But he knew it wasn't his place to say no to a plan that was already in motion and he didn't want to jeopardize the opportunity he was being granted. 

"Okay, when do we start?"

[dontreadthistrashgarbage]

Pt. 9

Han Jisoo was true to her word and within a week she called HEET and Woojin in for a meeting. The purpose of the meeting was to tell them that Guerin would be reinstated as their manager, and that Woojin would be staying on as an assistant. Woojin had already been briefed, but he was better at keeping a straight face than Guerin so she had to wait outside the room or the boys would know before Jisoo got to announce it.

Once Guerin heard a ruckus inside the room she knew it was okay to open the door and peek her head in, beaming at the scene that greeted her. Jisoo was laughing at the surprised reactions of her boy group, taken with their joy. Minhwan had jumped up and was hugging Gabriel and Woojin, the latter being a less willing participate in the spritely jumping around of the other two but still smiling. Seungbin was standing and asking if it was real and not a prank, Byoungjin had his hand buried in his face, likely starting to cry while Tobio crooned to him and comforted him. In a split second that changed as soon as they saw her coming through the door and she was rushed by her boys all speaking and shouting indecipherably at once.

She bounced around with them and couldn't help shedding a few happy tears herself, so relieved that this part of her life could return to normal finally and moved by everyone's reaction.

Once everyone had calmed down and reseated themselves, Seungbin had tried to sit on Guerins lap but she redirected him to his chair reminding him that it was a professional meeting. He settled for pulling his chair close to her and holding her arm while resting his head on her shoulder. No one had the heart to tell him to stop.

After the meeting Minhwan suggested they all get dinner to celebrate once their lessons and practice were over. Jisoo politely declined attending but handed over the company card to Guerin in support. Guerin resisted hugging her friend and instead bowed deeply with all the boys following suit.

"Noona, are you going to invite Wow-hyung to dinner with us too?" Byoungjin asked as Guerin escorted them back to their practice room.

"No!" Seungbin said quickly before Guerin had a chance to respond. She gave him a curious look before speaking into the silence that his abrupt interruption had caused.

"I was going to say that I think this is a team celebration so we should keep it to us."

"Seungbin, don't be rude. You need to apologize." Minhwan chastised the younger boy in true leader fashion.

Seungbin's eyes were on the floor, "I'm sorry Noona..."

She didn't respond right away but did give him a head pat and a smile as he looked up at her from under her hand. Once they were in the practice room Guerin cleared her throat, getting everyone's attention.

"I think we should talk really quickly before you all start." She looked at each of them, "Wow is my boyfriend. I like him a lot. All of A.C.E are my friends. But HEET are my boys. I love you all so very much and I'm always rooting for you first. I might have to balance my personal life a bit differently, but know that my love for you hasn't changed." Tobio remained largely expressionless per usual, Byoungjin looked curious, Minhwan was nodding, Gabriel had a slightly disbelieving look, Woojin looked uncomfortable as though he had been caught eavesdropping and Seungbin looked conflicted.

"I'm sorry Noona... it's just that... we just got you back and he's been with you this whole time..." Seungbin rubbed the toe of his shoe on the floor as he looked down.

"I understand. And you'll have enough of me around soon enough since we're getting back to normal. It was hard for me to be apart from you, and Kim Seyoon was a part of that support to help me get through it. All of you make me so happy, his is just a different kind of happy." She caught Gabriel hiding a laugh at her last comment.

"Oh shut up you know what I mean." She scolded him in English, unconvincingly because she had to fight to hide a laugh too.

"What I really want to say," she continued, "is to please not hold any grudges with him or any of A.C.E. Just like you don't with Charlie. And if you feel sad, worried or insecure you can talk to me. Don't bottle it up okay? And don't judge Wow unfairly." She finished.

A smattering of nods and words of affirmation from HEET were enough for her for now.

"Okay, let me see what you've been working on!" She clapped her hands and walked over to the music player with Woojin while HEET scurried to get warmed up.

"You still haven't had sex?" Charlie hissed.

Guerin shushed her, looking around quickly, "Just because we're speaking English doesn't mean we should assume people won't understand, or record and translate."

"I was quiet, but more importantly are you dying?" Charlie looked at Guerin with concern and held a hand to her forehead. Guerin groaned and rested her head on the table.

"Yeah I think I am." Her respond was muffled and tragic.

The two girls were in a small bakery sharing a piece of cake. It had been a couple days since their respective dates, Seyoon and Jun were busy as their fan project had been released and they had some schedules pertaining to that.

"You know how much effort I've put into making that situation happen for me and you have your own place and it is WASTED on you." Charlie feigned anger at the top of her friends head.

"I know." Guerin turned her head to the side to stare absently out the window, watching a young woman sitting on a bench outside on her phone. Charlie changed tactics and patted Guerin on the head encouragingly.

"We can see them again soon. You can try again!"

Guerin sighed and forced herself to sit up, "I'm not really worried. We'll get there eventually. But like... I want to."

"I believe in you." Charlie offered, taking a bite of cake.

Seyoon and Jun had their final schedule for their fan project. They sat in their respective seats getting their makeup done after their hair. The usual staff were tending to their cosmetics so the chatter was friendly per usual. Eunkyung was adding some finishing touches to Seyoon's look before changing the subject.

"These schedules are all because of your girlfriends right?"

He hesitated as he decided how to respond, feeling about odd, "It's not because of them." She didn't say anything as though waiting for him to finish a thought but he didn't say anything else.

"But... because you are openly dating now?"

Seyoon glanced at Jun but he was engrossed in conversation with his own makeup artist and didn't seem to hear the topic change, "We just want to assure our fans our love for them hasn't changed." He finally answered.

Eunkyung nodded absentmindedly, adding some gentle brush strokes to the foundation on his face. "I have to admit. I was surprised when I saw who you were dating."

Seyoon glanced up at her but she was seemingly focused on his makeup. He felt a response wasn't necessary so he didn't say anything.

"I thought you'd definitely date another idol once your ban was up." She smiled, stopping the touch ups to look at his face as she appreciated her handiwork. He nodded again, still not sure how to respond.

"When I was little my parents divorced." She started, "My parents never seemed to be suited for each other. I asked my dad how he and my mom had decided to start a family despite being so I'll suited for each other." Seyoon watched her pensively as she focused on more makeup details, not meeting his eyes.

"He said he felt that deciding to get married was like being a taxi going on duty. Once he turned on his light, whoever hopped into the cab was his responsibility. It was just unfortunate that it turned out to be a bad tipper." Eunkyung finished her story and sat back again, then met his eyes and the slight young woman smiled prettily. "You're all set for stage."

He thanked her and stood to move to the couch to wait for Jun for them to start their surprise vlive before the schedule.

Charlie had arrived at Guerin's place ahead of time to set up. She had asked him over with a movie night, only letting him know that it would be more private than at his dorm. Other than that she hadn't given him other details. Charlie had spent ages deciding on whether lighting candles would be too much or not and kept lighting, blowing them out, then lighting them until a knock finally came at the door.

The secluded environment that they were about to be in had inspired some ideas in Jun. He hesitated outside the door for a moment, trying to get his thoughts under control before ringing the buzzer. He continued reminding himself to not jump to conclusions and to just enjoy the movie with Charlie while he waited for her to answer the door.

Hearing the buzzer Charlie froze and took a deep breath to calm the butterflies in her stomache. She opened the door, relieved for a moment to see that Jun had also dressed casually, even though her outfit hid her much more selectively chosen lingerie. Once the door was closed behind him they embraced, almost a little awkwardly.

The two of them puttered around until eventually settling onto the couch with some snacks as they started the movie they had agreed on beforehand. Charlie was completely unable to focus on the movie as she kept going through her plan for later in the evening in her head. She was so distracted she didn't even notice Jun's lack of reactions to the comedy. He was equally as distracted as the two of them cuddled closer and closer.

Charlie couldn't handle it, about an hour into the movie she couldn't even follow what was happening. She gave up and decided to go for it. Acting on impulse, refusing herself the opportunity to overthink anymore. Pulling away from him she pulled off her shirt, revealing a lacey surprise, the swung her leg over his lap, blocking the television.

Jun, who hadn't even been paying attention and contemplating along the same (although less bold) options was taken by surprise. His hands went automatically to the hips of his girlfriend. Jun's attention was snapped to attention as his eyeline, which started at her new lingerie before traveling up to her face, forced the reaction he had been lacking from the film. His eyes wide, he couldn't help but grin as a reaction before biting his lip and increasing pressure on her hips, pulling her closer. Their lips met, the kiss passionate and deep without lacked any pretense. Charlie removed his hands from him long enough to stand and remove her jeans, revealing the rest of her lacey provocation. He had all of a full second to react, not even noticing her flush before she moved back onto his lap her arms pulling him close as their lips met again.

His hands moved up to trace the edges of her bra, moving back to touch the clasp before hesitating. She pressed against him, wordlessly encouraging him grinding on his lap. Motivated by her response he fumbled momentarily before unhooking her and exposing her torso to him. He had seen her like this once before, but the moment had been ruined by Wow bumbling into their moment. This time no such distractions marred the experience. He took the time to experience the full glory, holding her away for a few moments.

She allowed him the enjoyment before stepping off him, taking his hands in hers and pulling him up. She snuck a kiss as they stood, lasting a few seconds longer than intended, before leading him away into the bedroom where they were finally able to more fully explore their desires.

For security and privacy, Kim Hyeim had allowed Guerin and Charlie access to the main waiting area of Beat Interactive. Seyoon had worked late knowing Guerin had a personal matter to attend to. Once she texted him that she was waiting for him when he was ready, he wrapped up his work and headed to the main floor immediately.

Guerin was waiting close to the door with her surprise. As soon as the elevator doors dinged she looked up to see Seyoon stepping out. She had time to stand up before seeing a pretty young woman that had been waiting closer to the elevators pop up and rush over to him.

Seyoon was surprised with Eunkyung greeting him first at the elevator doors. "Oppa!" She greeted him excitedly, hugging him without precedent. He froze for a moment looking down at her before patting her head, causing her to look up at him, "I waited for you!" She added.

He took her shoulders and gently moved her away from him. She complied by letting him go but still leaning close to him. He wasn't sure what to say but she seemed expectant so he mentally scrambled before settling on "Why?"

"I... I like you!" She said earnestly, pushing against his hands on her shoulders again. His lost expression only grew more confused and desperate as he floundered on how to react.

"Your girlfriend... she doesn't suit you! You have more options." She pressed, "I think you should know... you don't have to settle for the first customer once your light comes on!"

Seyoon had been known to react to annoying stimuli in situations like Jun singing loudly in the shower at bedtime, but he had rarely been moved to anger. The feeling for him was less a hot flash and more a settling cold at his face froze, eyes darkening. He was spared an immediate reaction as Guerin stepped up.

Seeing Eunkyung embrace Seyoon had made her heart lurch. She stood in place gathering her emotions, forcing herself to calm down as she watched another woman overtly throwing herself on her boyfriend. Swallowing her bubbling rage she forced a smile and moved to the pair.

"Seyoonie." Guerin said, greeting her boyfriend with forced cheerfulness before staring pointedly at the shorter woman leaning into him.

Eunkyung started. She hadn't noticed Guerin come into the waiting room, unaware she was allowed and having spent the last few hours working up her courage to confess to Seyoon. Seeing Guerin, the obstacle she perceived between her and Seyoon, she stepped back but couldn't hide a hateful expression.

The animosity was not lost on Guerin, who proceeded to politely bow and introduce herself. Eunkyung barely inclined her head in response. Guerin let her gaze linger almost condescendingly on Eunkyung, her annoyance poorly hidden before she turned fully to Seyoon, "Are you ready to go?" She asked.

"One moment." He reached for Guerin's hand, the turned to Eunkyung, "My light wasn't on when I met Guerin. But meeting her changed that." Guerin looked at him, baffled by his words and sure that her language skills were failing her. He continued, "I don't expect anyone to understand. I don't need them to. Least of all you." Eunkyung's expression became hurt and shocked but he wasn't done, "Our relationship has been professional until now. It's clear to me that it can't continue. I'll speak with Kim Hyeim so you won't need to be bothered by my presence anymore. It's been nice working with you, you've done well." He bowed politely to her form as she was frozen in surprise.

"Are you serious? Her??" Eunkyung spat, recovering enough to be angry. Guerin raised her eyebrows but Seyoon spoke.

"You have been inappropriate this entire time and I've been patient. You are about to cross the line." His cold expression was unfamiliar and scary, even Guerin looked to him in surprise, "At this point you will be leaving with a good recommendation. I suggest you don't throw that away."

Eunkyung took a step backward, paused and looked at him in shock. She seemed to debate saying something, threw a last disgusted expression at Guerin then turned to leave, angry tears in her eyes. The pair watched her leave. As soon as the doors closed behind her, Seyoon pulled Guerin into him hugging her close. Guerin was temporarily lost for words. She knew she had been insulted but the interaction had been confusing, so her anger was curbed by curiosity, and embracing Seyoon who held her so tenderly helped abate the strong negative emotions she felt.

"What just happened?" She asked.

"She's not important. She was wrong." He rested his head against hers, trying to calm himself.

"Will you tell me more later?" She asked, snesing he might be too worked up now to get into details. He nodded into her. After a moment he relaxed and changed the subject.

"So what was your surprise?" He asked.

"Oh... well I hope this cheers you up..." she pulled away from him and reached down to a crate she had set behind her protectively out of habit. Opening the door a white fluffy cloud of a creature pushed out, wagging a happy tail.

Seyoon dissolved.

[thistleandthorn-rpg]

Congrats Helena on your application for Lorelai Lefevre! Please check out this page here for what to do next and send us her blog within 48 hours. Welcome to the group!

OOC INFORMATION:

Name/Alias: Helena Preferred pronoun: she/her  Age: 29 Timezone/Country: EST/USA RP Experience: About 3 years Activity Level: 8, mostly at night

IC INFORMATION:

Name: Lorelai Lefevre Designation: sub Age: 33 Claim: Claimed by Gaston Lefevre Faceclaim: Logan Browning Orientation: Bisexual Occupation: Teacher at Stonewall Prep (Sub 101) Kinks: Pet Play, Brethplay/Asphyxiation/Choking, Sensory Play/Blindfolds/Ice Play/Wax Play, Masturbation/Mutual Masturbation, Bondage, Chores/Domestic Service, TPE, Hair Pulling, Humiliation/Degredation, Kneeling, Wearing Lingerie, Orgasm Control/Denial, Dirty Talk/Sexting, Pussy Worship/Body Worship, Praise, Suspension, Teasing, Public Sex/Masturbation Anti-Kinks: Non-Sexual Bodily Fluids, Watersports, Age Play, Knife/Weapons Play, Bathroom Play

Key Points:

-Lorelai is genuinely one of the sweetest people anyone could ever hope to meet. A true submissive, she wants to be as helpful and useful as possible. She works hard to ensure her Maitre is taken care of and happy. She dedicates herself to anything she does, and has an incredible work ethic

-Despite how happy and positive Lori tries to act, she goes struggle heavily with anxiety. Trauma from her past has left her struggling with insecurities, abandonment anxiety, and generalized and social anxiety. She leans heavily on Maitre Gaston to ground her, to calm her, and to bring her back when she's spiraling out of control. 

-Lorelai has a deep-seeded love for art, due to her father's career. He taught her how to paint, how to draw, and often encouraged her to express herself through art. She loves it to this day, considering it her father's legacy, the piece of him she still holds onto. 

-Lorelai is Type I Diabetic, something she does her best to keep an eye on. She has an insulin pump, and Gaston is very active in making sure her health is maintained.

BIO 

Lorelai Lefevre was born Lorelai Beauchamp on February 6 to parents Maryanne Beauchamp and Arnold Beauchamp. Both of her parents were Dominants, but they were never known to be harsh, angry, or even short with most people. Both were very wealthy, the perfect mix of old and new money. Her mother's family was old money, known for generations of owning a luxury hotel chain (akin to the MGM or the Ritz). Her father amassed his own wealth, making a name for himself in the art world as a well-known and highly respected/sought after art curator. The family was very tight-knit, both of her parents had submissive claims, who were very loved and part of the family. They helped raise Lorelai, taking care of her when her parents were away. When Lori was 12, her parents passed away following a terrible accident, leaving her orphaned. After their passing, Lorelai was sent to live with her Uncle, her father's Dominant brother, while her family's beloved submissives were sent to auction. Lori's Uncle was awful, colder than stone and meaner than a snake, and only took her in due to an attempt to get his hands on the fortune her parents left to her. As luck would have it, her parents had ensured this would be impossible, and he was never able to gain what he was after.

Upon entering higher education and beginning her D/s studies, Lorelai met and fell for a Dominant she believed to be everything she'd dreamed of having. Her dreams soon became shattered, in learning she'd managed to become entangled with a man who was just like her Uncle. Lorelai became miserable, but felt trapped with nowhere to turn. One day, a small misstep on her part managed to insight a full-blown eruption, her Dominant completely snapping on Lorelai in public. Like a knight in shining armor, Gaston Lefevre made his entrance, stepping in on Lori's behalf, and saving her from the life she'd been certain she was fated to have. It was then that Lorelai fell for him, vowing to dedicate herself only to Gaston, for as long as he'd have her. The two have been together for over ten years, Lorelai remaining steadfast and true in her loyalty and love to him. Finishing her D/s studies, Lorelai was permitted to attend school further, earning her teaching degree. Since moving, Gaston has allowed her to accept a teaching position at Stonewall Prep as the Sub 101 teacher.

BIO QUESTIONS:

Describe your occupational journey and how you got to where you are.  

My occupational journey began after I finished my D/s studies. Really, if I think about it, it began younger. I've known since I was just a girl that I wanted to teach. My teachers were always some of my biggest role models, and I have always had a passion for both learning and education. Thankfully, my Maitre supported me continuing my education, and allowed me to earn my degree in Education. Following graduation, I was teaching English and Literature at a high school, but I have recently transitioned into a position at Stonewall Prep, teaching Sub 101!

How would you describe yourself as a Dominant/submissive?

As a submissive, I would describe myself as being dedicated, caring, loving, and loyal. Perhaps doting, if I'm deep into subspace. I truly and thoroughly enjoy and derive pleasure from serving my Maitre, in any way necessary, in any way I'm able. Keeping our house, preparing our meals, servicing him in every way brings me more pleasure and joy than I can say. Maybe some think I'm too much, but those are the people who don't understand what Maitre has done for me, how he's taken care of me, and what he saved me from.

How do you feel about authority?

I feel comfortable with authority. in all forms. My parents raised me to understand that rules are rules for a reason, to trust the system, my elders, and those entrusted with that type of power. I don't enjoy being punished, and I would never want to embarrass my Maitre. When it comes to authority, I am compliant and respectful.

[rainbowravioli]

Hey! Love your analyses! I didn't find any post from you talking about how Yuri on Ice deals with homosexuality in-universe, so I'm going to talk about it and ask your opinion. Some friends of mine criticized how Yuuri and Viktor never suffer any prejudice for their public displays of affection. They're two bisexual women, I'm not one to say their complaint is baseless bc we react to media differently. I can say, as a gay man, however, that it was validating to me. It's important to have works..

… like The Normal Heart showing us how the LGBT+ community has struggled over the years, but depicting a world where there isn’t homophobia, I think, is great too. It has underlying political messages: gay relationships are as normal and acceptable as heterossexual ones and should be treated as such. Of course, there’s still heteronormativity in their world: Viktor asks if Yuuri has a girlfriend (not a boyfriend), Yuuri thinks Viktor is so hot that he impregnated him, Yuuri feels comfortable playing the role of the woman who’s left behind by the playboy (I know this is subverted bc you could interpret Yuuri as being the playboy and I know it can be validating for some people to see Yuuri, the lead character, being comfortable with his traditional feminine aspects; I just want to point out heteronormativity is a thing there too)…Also, I found some people in the internet criticizing the lack of homophobia not bc they care about how representation is done, but bc they can’t conceive of a world without it. So, it’s a complicated issue and it could never be otherwise, we don’t live in a cultural vacuum. Thoughts? (Srsly I love your analyses on how YoI betrayed its own narrative. Some might be turned off by criticisms, but in some cases - certainly in yours - it enhanced my understanding and appreciation of the anime)

Thanks for the kind words, anon, I’m really happy you like my analyses ❤

So, I understand where people come from when they say that the lack of homophobia in the series is erasing the very real issues LGBT face in the real world, especially considering things like how the real life sport of figure skating is ripe with homophobia and the fact that Yuuri and Victor come from countries that are very lacking in LGBT rights. People wanted the series to explore and bring attention to those issues. I get it. 

However, from my personal perspective, I find it downright exhausting that basically every single piece of LGBT media uses homophobia as plot device/source of conflict for the characters. I actually love that Yuri on Ice is a very safe show in that perspective. Yuuri and Victor are in love, they’re engaged, and nobody cares that they are both men. There isn’t a single comment made about it, not a single “But we’re both guys!!!” complaint from Yuuri when Victor flirts, or other characters being weirded out over their relationship (well there is Yurio but it’s coming from somewhere else). Upon seeing them wearing engagement rings, Phichit’s reaction is to happily congratulate them and share his happiness over the occasion with everyone at the restaurant. Every stranger there is happy for them and celebrates the announcement.

Yuri on Ice is not the story about Yuuri having to deal with his attraction to men and him and Victor having to face the homophobia of their respective countries and their sport. It’s about Yuuri falling in love despite being afraid of intimacy, about learning that he is attractive despite his insecurities and how he deserves to be loved. It’s about Victor meeting someone who changes his life for the better, learning that he can be loved just for being himself and finding joy through love when he had lost it for years.

Yuri on Ice feels like validation. I love that I felt represented without the constant reminder of the struggles and discrimination I suffer. I’m sure it’s the same way for many other LGBT people. I could just enjoy this love story without fearing for how the world would react to the relationship, because the world of Yuri on Ice doesn’t care that Yuuri and Victor are both men. It’s a world that I hope that we can achieve someday. 

As for the issue of heteronormativity. Well, here’s where we come into the fact that Yuri on Ice is not perfect and heteronormativity affects everyone, even LGBT creations and creators. A few corrections though - Victor never asks Yuuri about former “girlfriends”, nor does he talk about his own former “girlfriends”. The word he uses in Japanese is gender neutral and better translates to “lover”, which is actually the term used in the official English dub. So in this case the heteronormativity was present exclusively in the subs.

I see how the playboy and the beautiful woman story is heteronormative but I still find it important that it was a female figure that Yuuri better identified with and took power from. But that’s a discussion for how Yuri on Ice handles gender, let’s focus on sexuality. 

The things that really get to me are Minako saying that Victor has millions of female fans specifically, especially when that very same episode shows men in the crowd reacting to Victor’s wink

I’m 100% sure Victor is popular with everyone, so specifying he’s popular with women is…eh…same for extra-series materials that enforce both Victor and Chris’ popularity with “the ladies”. Come on, have you looked at them? I’m sure they are popular in general.

Also the fact that Yuuri and Victor are the only same-sex couple in the entire series, and that they are the only couple without textual confirmation of their relationship status in-series. Yuuri’s parents, JJ’s parents and Yuuko and Takeshi are happily married, Lilia is referred to as Yakov’s ex-wife on the same episode she is introduced, Georgi’s programs are based around his ex-girlfriend and JJ constantly refers to Isabella as his girlfriend and later his fiancée. You also have Minako being exclusively attracted to the male skaters (particularly Chris) and Sara being shown to be openly attracted to men, with her brother Michelle specifically trying to protect her from them. But I wrote more about this aspect here (x)

It’s like you said, we don’t live in a cultural vacuum, so these issues of representation will never be perfect. Personally, I’m glad YoI is a safe space. I would argue we need more media like that, that shows LGBT people being happy and accepted and having their own narratives that are independent from the fact that they are LGBT. There is space for exploring the adversities faced by minorities, and it’s a very important thing to do when it comes to representation, but it shouldn’t be the only form of representation minorities have. They should be allowed to exist in media outside of that.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.