#Dear Sloththick

[sloththick]

The Idea

Im going to lay my whole life out here all the way down to every detail that i remember. Im starting this blog just to blow off some steam, ive never been good about voicing my feelings to anyone i choose to hold it inside until i explode basically so this will be my feed to post the details and thoughts that have been scratching its way threw my soul.

to start this off, ill tell you a bit about myself. I am 23 years old, i live in the state of Wisconsin. Im married and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. I never go out and do things, instead i work 5 out of 7 days a week and when im not at work can usually be found either playing minecraft, call of duty or 7 days to die, or spending my day with my daughter and husband. I used to be a out and about type of person, but we will get to that later. I struggle with Anxiety, depression, and borderline personality disorder. some days are much worse than others. I have alot to unpack, so stay tuned for the "tea"

[sloththick]

First Love Pt 1

I met my first love when i was finishing 10th grade, he was a senior, he was goofy, tall, drove a nice truck, was so tender and respectful. We were both virgins at the time, and he never once pressured me into anything. He wanted to spend every second that he could with me and i wanted nothing more than to let him spend all his time with me. We dated for 7 months when i decided i was ready for the next step, we made a plan to make it special for both of us, we planned a night of it. He told his mom he was staying at his dads house and told his dad he was staying at his moms house, I said i was going to my cousins house and we drove out to a field, layed in the bed of his truck under the stars, talked for a long time laughed cuddled and made love, it was like in the movies, but instead of the first time being painful, it didnt hurt he was very gentle and worried about hurting me, it was sweet.

little did i know that at that time our relationship was going to take a sharp turn to something dark and twisted quick.

He graduated and i never went back to school. He wanted to get drunk every night and i wanted to be by his side, so we drank, and smoked , and drank some more. Our sweet tender caring relationship that we once had turned into a drunken Master-slave agreement. He was my dom, and i did whatever he asked of me. The sex was extreme and demeaning, but i believed that's what love was.

one night i was playing a game on his phone laying in bed with him when a message came in from his cousin that read. "thats the 4th girl youve been with this week dude don't you think your girlfriend will be pissed when she finds out?" when i read that my entire body felt like it was on fire. I was crushed, angry, and embarrassed. i sat there and re-read that message for what felt like forever without having the balls to be able to click on it. he finally looked at me and snatched his phone from me. his only excuse he had was. "its a joke. its not real." but wouldn't show me the conversation.

the last year of our relationship had more downs than ups. I loved him, but he didn't feel the same. He cheated on me while i was at him and he was at college and would come back home on weekends and cuddle up next to me in bed like he hadn't done a thing. i tried to push it out of my head but it screamed at me every time i closed my eyes.

[sloththick]

School Life "Friends"

I was so excited to start school as a kid, i got to watch my older brothers leave for school in the morning and i watched out the window as they walked down the driveway when they came home. i wanted more than anything to ride the school bus and go to school meet more kids and play and have fun. I however wasnt very popular when i did finally get to go. I had and kept the same 3 friends up until 2nd grade when my best friend Cheri moved away and started going to another school. Then it was just Erin, Shelby, and myself. We were the three amigos threw out elementry school, we did everything together.

highschool was no different we were all still very close and almost always together, except me and Shelby got way closer than either of us were with Erin. Unfortunatly Shelby didnt have the best home life at her moms house so she had to move a couple hours away and go to a different highschool. so it was just me and Erin we got really close and spent most days together either at my house or her house. however i bloomed a little earlier than she did, so while i had boyfriends and smoked cigs, she judged and wrote fanfiction.

we had alot of fun together, until i met my first "love" thats when things took a very shitty turn for me.

[sloththick]

Small Sloththick

I had a pretty decent childhood actually, well up until 4th ish grade, my home life was decent, my mother worked alot due to the fact that i have 3 siblings and my "dad" never worked for very long. He worked as a carpenter and his jobs were scarce to say the least. By that i mean hed work a job then decide everyone was out to get him so hed physically hide from his bosses till they decided to stop coming around. When my little brother was a baby my dad had left for a while at the time i thought he was just visiting grandma but i later found out he left my mom for some random chick he found at the bar. He came around as much as he could, well as much as my mom could take time to drive the hour to pick him up to spend time with us. That time he spent ignoring us kids and instead spent time with my mom.

I also remember my mother never once laying her hands on us no madder how bad we acted up, and young me and my sibblings could be crazy, my mother loved us unconditionally and no matter what we did or said she always stood there and calmed us down, or talked threw the situation with us made us realize what we had been doing wrong. As for my dad, that was always a whole nother story, if we looked at him wrong we were getting smacked in the head, or said something to him in the wrong tone wed get spanked so hard we couldn't sit down right. He used to enjoy spending time with us, and taking us to do things, but it was like the older we got, the more we learned and wanted to spend time with him, the less he cared, the more verbally abusive he got, the more angry hed get with us. It was one hell of a cycle he had for us. He picked his favorite kids and treated the other two like they were dirt on his white shirt.

The older i get the more i realize he really hated being a dad, and thats all we wanted as kids, was for our dad to be like the other dads.