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bohemian-rhapsody-slash · 5 years

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IBTYF Summary: Full title is I Belong To You Forever, it is a Dominant/Submissive AU with Maylor and Deacury, their children, and grandchildren. Freddie and Brian claimed John and Roger Nov 22, 1972 in order to protect their submissive bandmates from being claimed as basically sex slaves by Ray Foster. Listed below is all the information we have on the characters, pairings and offspring at this time.

Children of Freddie and John:

Andrew “Andy” (D) born 1975, submissive rights lawyer

George (S) born 1978, owner of sub magazine, eventually co-creator of a sub exclusive publishing business with his dom

Nathan “Nate” (D) born 1983, international businessman

Children of Roger and Brian:

Liam (D) born 1977, producer in music industry

Sophie (D) born 1979, engineer

James (S) born 1981, primary school teacher

Charlotte (D) born 1984, CEO of a multinational company

OCs:

Christopher “Chris” Sutton (D): dom partner of Nathan

Toshiro “Tosh” Kaji (D): dom of George, works for a small but respectable publishing business in Japan, and also does translated works in English, eventually co-creator of a sub exclusive publishing business with George

Sophie’s sub (male): a fellow engineer that Sophie met at uni, gets along well with John

Charlotte’s sub (female): Charlotte's secretary at the time of their claiming and because of the controversy, they left and started up their own business. This woman comes from a different social background (?) than Charlotte.

Unborn child of John and Brian that was conceived and miscarried in 1995 after John had moved in with Maylor after Freddie’s passing.

Pairings:

Freddie + John

Brian + Roger

Andrew Mercury + James May

Charlie (S), born 2004

Amy (D), born 2006

George Mercury + Toshiro Kaji

At least one child // Hana (female, blossom)/ Akira (unisex, bright)/ Haru (male, born in spring)/ Sora (unisex, sky),

Nathan Mercury + Christopher Sutton

Freddie “Bubba” (D), born 2017, he is carried by Nate

Liam May + Isaac

Sophie May + Unnamed male sub

Charlotte May + Unnamed female sub

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SOMOTF Summary: Full title is Standing On My Own Two Feet, a continuation of IBTYF that centers on the making of BoRhap. The actors have the same status as their counterparts i.e. Joe is a Sub like John and so on. Rami and Gwil claim Joe and Ben after filming ends.

Rami + Joe

Jason Joseph “JJ” (D), born 2018 (post filming)

Daniel (S) and Sara (S), twins born 2021

Gwil + Ben

Maxwell (S), born 2019

Owain (D), born 2021

Anwen (D), born 2023

Jessica (S), born 2025

AUs of main IBTYF saga

ISTYBM Summary: Full title is I Swear That You'll Be Mine, Dark version of IBTYF where Ray Foster manages to gather enough evidence to suggest that Freddie and Brian’s claims on John and Roger aren’t legit and claims the subs as his own. TW very dark at times, read at your own risk.

NBV/New Baby Verse (not a fic, blog only): In this AU, John becomes pregnant with his and Freddie’s fourth child, but experiences a miscarriage in early 1991 (age 39). After he moves in with them post-Freddie’s death, Roger and Brian have a fifth child in 1993. At this point John is 42, Roger is 44, and Brian is 46. The child is a female submissive named Felicity, so named because Roger and Brian wanted to honor Freddie by choosing a name that also began with F. Both Roger and John are mothers to Felicity; John even nurses her when Roger is unable to.

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TTIKIFR: Full title is This Time I Know It’s For Real, an AU in which John involved in the making of Bohemian Rhapsody and falls in love with Joe.

Pairings:

John + Joe

John Jr, always referred to as “Jack”, born 2018

Matthew Joseph, born 2020

Gwil + Ben

Connor, born 2019

Two younger siblings <https://bohemian-rhapsody-slash.tumblr.com/post/186360642830/maybe-this-has-been-asked-before-but-how-do>

In the future:

Connor + Jack

Unspecified children

Matthew + Husband

Unspecified children

YMMLA: You Made Me Live Again, sequel to TTIKIFR that takes place in 2022. “Three years after giving birth to his son and marrying John, Joe shares an idyllic life with his family in London. But his stagnant career, combined with the stress of trying to conceive another baby, puts a strain on his marriage that he hadn’t anticipated. Especially when he’s haunted by thoughts of the mortality of his much older husband”

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PDOM Summary: Full title is Pushing Down On Me, "In a world where marriage is the key to everything, Gwil, Ben and Joe are promised to three older men who dream of making their band a success. The boys fear being doomed to loveless marriages, but soon find there is hope still for a happily-ever-after."

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XOXO and Happy 2020, masterlist anon🌟

******

THANKS ANON YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS TO ME ❤️ these masterlists are always such a super helpful record 😊

#masterlist #submission

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thenextchapterbegins · 4 years

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“All right. If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That’s not my intention. I’m not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It’s how I know I still have one.” -daniel tosh happy thoughts 2011

something about this

its just true

#ooc

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annarosewriting · 6 years

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Comedy’s an Aphrodisiac

I don’t ask for a lot in life. I want a nice apartment. I want to make enough money so I can pay my bills on time and be able to travel. I want a job that doesn’t make me want to die. And I want a partner that enjoys the comedic stylings of Bo Burnham and John Mulaney.

That seems like a super low requirement and honestly, I’ve learned to not get my hopes up too high for men, BUT this is important to me. Comedy is my favorite way to get to know people. When my sense of humor clicks with someone else’s, my heart grows three sizes and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It’s also at that moment that I pledge my undying allegiance to them right then and there.

I believe that what an individual thinks is funny is a big indicator as to who they are as a person.

Everyone’s humor changes and grows over time. When I was younger, I thought (and I can’t believe I’m typing these words and incriminating myself like this) those “U Mad” memes were the HEIGHT of comedy.

But now that I’m older and wiser my humor has aged like a shitty wine from Walmart and now I think jokes about wanting to perish because of capitalism are the funniest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

I’m now realizing this may be startling to some people but The Point I’m trying to make is, your sense of humor changes as you grow and mature. Or not mature in some cases.

Here’s the thing, I’ve come to realize that my favorite kind of comedy is the kind that’s not offensive. And to everyone who’s already taking a deep breath in to bellow that “IT CAN’T BE DONE” please go watch any of John Mulaney’s stand up or Brooklyn 99.

Racist jokes, sexist jokes, jokes about the LGBTQ community, jokes about how your wife is a nag and jokes about fat people can go right into the dumpster where they belong and need to stay. If the only way comedians can be funny is by tearing other people down then I have some news for them, find a different job because they’re not good at their current one.

Being funny while not being offensive takes time. It takes practice, but it can, and is, done. When I find out that someone’s favorite comedian is Louis C.K., Dane Cook or Daniel Tosh or anyone like them, I start planning how to end that conversation right then and there.

I don’t want to spend time with a person who thinks people who have sexually harassed women, make rape jokes and are racist, funny. If that’s what individuals find funny then boy howdy do we have bigger problems to tackle. Like why do they find raping women so funny? Why is the idea of a white man tearing down minorities just rib-splitting hilarity to them? How far down does this bigotry rabbit hole go?

It’s also lazy. We’ve heard these jokes before, they weren’t funny then and they definitely aren’t funny now. What’s not lazy and is actually super cool? Trying to be inclusive and to not be an asshole.

Comedy is changing and it’s turning into a different beast every day. My personal favorite forms of comedy include John Mulaney’s stand up, (where he regals us with wild stories from his childhood, makes fun of his idiotic ways and talks about how much he loves his wife and dog) Bo Burnham’s comedy, (which makes me question how happy I really am and explores celebrity worship in society) and Brooklyn 99 is my favorite primetime comedy show. It has a diverse cast that breaks stereotypes, every episode overflows with love and warmth and it has the most iconic dog of all time, Cheddar.

Comedy is meant to be the great unifier. It’s supposed to bring people together. So if an individuals idea of comedy is tearing minorities down and making sure they aren’t included, that’s not funny. That’s just sad.

I came to this realization the way I come to most of my big life-changing realizations. After I had made a mistake.

I was talking to someone after we had hooked up and I, of course, mentioned John Mulaney because I am Very Good™️ at flirting. He said he had never seen any of John Mulaney’s stand up but that he really liked Dane Cook.

At first I thought, “Oh, we’re very far apart on comedy, this isn’t ideal but it probably won’t be an issue!!”

It very quickly became an issue when he proceeded to be on his phone and talk about himself for a full hour. During this monologue he mansplained to me where my own clit was, talked down to me about the line of work I wanted to go into, showed me years old meme’s and made it clear he was all about the GOP.

While all of this was happening my eyes kept widening in horror and I slowly made my way to the door and ran so fast I think I left a trail of dust from his room to my car.

After that, um, experience I think is the best way to put it, that’s when I realized that if my humor doesn’t match to my partners it’s not going to end well. Humor is my love language and if someone’s sense of humor is based on making jokes at the expense of minorities then I won’t love them. Hell, I won’t even like them.

So! Comedians! Do better. Individuals who enjoy shitty stand up comedians, also do better!

As for me, I’m going to watch John Mulaney’s New in Town for the 4,345th time and when I can find an individual who can finish any John Mulaney quote for me, I’ll drop down on one knee and propose to them right then and there.

#anna rose writing #writing #john mulaney #comedy #bo burnham

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massdragonchick · 8 years

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Exes And Confusion

I’m really not even sure how to start this. So I suppose I should start at the very beginning. But bare with me, as they’re a little confusing. So a little over a year ago, I got to a point where I really couldn’t stand not having a girlfriend anymore. Being with one man only for so long was wearing on me. Not that I don’t love my husband, but I missed women. Still do. So I found this app that was suggested by Lizzy the Lezzy on Facebook, that was an LGBT app. So I downloaded it quickly, and made a profile. I actually made a lot of great friends, a lot of which are some of my closest friends still. But the whole reason I made it was to find a girlfriend. So I flirted a little with girls I thought were cute here and there. Well then this girl named Ashley (from Maine) saw that we were into a LOT of the same things. We both played videogames, and all the same ones!!! We both liked Daniel Tosh, and a lot more, but basically, we had a lot in common from the start. So we started talking, and after a couple weeks we admitted to each other that we had a crush. Things moved VERY slowly (like a freaking snail), but they moved. We liked each other a lot. When things started feeling like they were getting serious, I felt like I needed to tell her about my situation. I had hinted about it but she never asked questions (like I had hoped), so I never got to explain myself. But when she told me she loved me, I felt like I had to tell her. I told her about my husband, my kids, and my living situation. She told me she was a little jealous, but she would rather have a part of me, than none of me. She took it really well, and we continued to have a good relationship... Or so I had thought. She would get really depressed, and instead of talking to me about it, she would disappear. For weeks at a time, and then pop back up again. I noticed it didn’t seem like she really trusted me a lot of the times. She wouldn’t give me her phone number, allow me to add her on Facebook, and was very secretive about her life. She started seeming more and more distant, and eventually started asking me if she could see other women because I had someone to go home to, and she felt lonelier knowing I had someone else and she didn’t. Plus, she mentioned that her friends kept telling her not to get attached to me because if we were to break up, I would still have someone there for me, and she wouldn’t. We started to drift apart more and more every day. On my birthday (which she knew about, because our birthdays are only a week apart), she didn’t even say anything to me, and it broke my heart. I figured at that point, she had pretty much checked out of our relationship. On her birthday, I told her happy birthday after not talking to her for a month. And she told me she wanted to stay friends, but no longer wanted a relationship. That sharing me with my husband was too much for her. I couldn’t blame her, and I had felt her slipping away for a long time, so we came to a mutual agreement to stay friends. About the time she had started distancing herself from me and asking to see other women, I had met someone else. Though at the time it was nothing more than friendship. Her name (and why this will be a little confusing), is Ashleigh. Ashleigh was from Mississippi. We had a lot in common at first. I thought. We don’t really have many hobbies or views that are the same. At least, I know that now. But back then she seemed so perfect. She was pansexual, like me. She was open to being polyamorous, and had been before. She was very forgiving and loving, and sweet. Saw life and love in everything. She made my heart feel warm where it had been missing warmth. She always knew what to say when I was down and always saw the good in things when I didn’t. Though she, like me, dated a lot of guys growing up, and moved a lot faster, once things got going and we realized we liked each other. It happened so naturally. Like there was no real admitting we liked each other. It was kind of like we knew. We would just flirt and it just felt right. Not like we had to force it. Before I knew it, I was planning a trip to see her and stay for a week in Mississippi with her. We didn’t make anything official, as far as dating goes, until I was there. But we video chatted a lot. And about a week before I went to go see her, we were video chatting and singing to each other (one of the hobbies we do actually have in common with each other), and she told me she loved me. My heart burst with joy, and I told her I loved her too. A week later, I was on an 8 hour miserable ride to go and see her. I was so excited!!! Though, I will admit the ride was REALLY rough. I got all ready, fancy dress, high heels, straightened my hair (which took 5 hours), did my makeup, wore perfume and jewelry even, everything. Packed my things, and left early. But when I got to the bus station, I realized I forgot my tickets... So I had to hurry home and get them, and rush back to the station. Unfortunately, we didn’t have time to go through baggage. So all I got to take with me was my purse, and a bag with my makeup in it. So I spent the week borrowing her clothes. Everything just kind of... fit. Like I felt like I had known her for years. It was comfortable being around her. I could be myself and she could be herself. But then I started noticing things that really bothered me. She was really passionate about the confederate flag. And that made me uneasy. But I can look past that. I don’t like it, but she isn’t a racist, she just had family that served with the confederates, so I was able to look past it. But then she was really overly friendly with the Mormon church. I’m uncomfortable with religion in general. I’m a Christian, but I’ve grown up with a lot of really bad things in churches and a lot of hypocrisies, and religion makes me feel like my skin is crawling. But Mormons are one of the worst to me. Not that I don’t respect the religion, I do. I respect all religions. But I disagree with a lot of their beliefs. And within the first hour I was at her house, she had me in her living room talking to them as they lectured me about joining them, and about their beliefs (which I already knew about). They talked to Ashleigh about going to their church and being baptized and singing in the choir, and I didn’t really like that. I don’t know why it bothers me so much... Maybe it was that she herself said that she didn’t believe in it, or maybe it’s just my own feelings about religion as a whole and Mormonism itself, but it just didn’t feel right. There was also the fact that everything seemed like a competition with her. We both enjoyed singing, but it always seemed like she was trying to one up me. Her family joined in on it too. If I ever sang to her everybody would tell me how I had to listen to her sing something, and then she would do it. And about being country. I’m not a very country girl, even though I grew up in it. It’s just not part of my personality. But they would try to call me a city girl and make cracks that I wasn’t country enough and joke about it all the time. Like no, I’m from the country. I just don’t act like it because I don’t like to act like a hick. And the would try to say that the heat there was worse than here, because they claimed Texas has a dry heat. I would get really mad about it too. Like, don’t tell me how the heat is in MY STATE. You live here, not there. You can tell me what the heat here feels like, but you can’t tell me about how it feels in the state I’ve lived my 24 years of life in. I know how it feels there, I AM there every single day. Then... there was Parker. Probably one of the biggest regrets of my life. She introduced me to this guy named Parker. Now bare with me, at the time, I didn’t realize it, but I was going through a horrible bipolar time in my life where I became very manic, crazy, and out of control. I was not myself and I did very stupid and reckless things because I was losing my mind. So she introduced me to Parker, and I immediately was attracted to him. After we left (it was a short saying hi and inviting him out to a bar with us later), I told her in the car that I thought he was hot, and asked permission to flirt with and hit on him. She agreed, and admitted to me she had slept with him before, but told me she was totally okay with us messing around. At the time not being all myself, I didn’t tell my husband about it (which I regret even more). So that night we went to a bar. She spent the night hitting on some big burly dude from the Marines while I hit on Parker. We also made out a lot (me and Ashleigh). Parker asked me as we dropped him off if I had been serious. I told him I was. So I add him on Facebook and we basically flirted the whole time I was there with her. So one night I buy us drinks. I get her Fireball, and me Vodka. We drink, and I invited him. Oh man... I don’t even remember everything... But I know we face timed my husband (oh, and at this point my husband has read my messages with Parker and knows I’m planning to do stuff with him, and he’s given the green light), and I was dared to give a blow job to him, which I did. I was also tackled by Ash and did... things (I honestly don’t remember it all), her mom flashed us all and my husband, and it was the closest I ever got to throwing up drunk (I honestly think it was the Fireball, because I’ve been more drunk than that night and didn’t even come close to throwing up). The next morning, Ash left for school. And me still being drunk and stupid and assuming I had the green light from her and my husband... Parker and I started to sleep together. It didn’t get very far because he didn’t want to use a condom and I wouldn’t let him in without one, so there wasn’t actually sex, but close to it. Then Ash came home, and caught us. She was PISSED. FUMING angry and storming around the house. I didn’t understand why at first. So I went to talk to her. Turns out, they were exes. He had even lived with her. She had even asked him the night before, for him to promise not to sleep with me, since she hadn’t even slept with me yet. So she was mad that he manipulated me. She was a little mad at me too, but not as mad since I was still drunk, and I had no way to know about his promise or their past. So she forgave me. But not him. She even had her mom chase him out of the house. And I felt bad. REALLY bad. But I was still selfish. I tried the rest of the week to get them to forgive each other and be friends again, but it was hard. Ash claimed he had done this before to her and stolen her girlfriends, and she loved me more than any of them and couldn’t handle it. The last day I was there, she allowed me to kiss him goodbye. Then she had a panic attack and drove me to the bus station. As I was on the bus, halfway home, they apparently tried talking to get past it, and ended up fighting again. Then Parker said some horrible things to her, and I found out even MORE about their past. Not only was he her ex, not only did they sleep together, not only did they live together... he had gotten her pregnant and she lost the child. She has PCOS and had a miscarriage and blamed herself, and to get her to stop talking to him, he told her it was her fault and blamed her for it. And I had to mediate it. For a short time it worked. They stayed friends. But then things got weird. He started telling me he loved me. It made me feel sick because I didn’t love him, but I didn’t feel like I couldn’t say it. So I said it back and always made me want to throw up. She didn’t know we were talking like that. But then I started noticing both of them lying to me. She invited him to come live with her again, and I had to find out from him. Then the really weird part was that they went to go visit each other and talk one day to try to stay friends (another thing I found out from him, and not her), and when they both claimed she was home and not there anymore, at the EXACT same time, they both texted me that they were horny. That set off red flags for sure. Ash and I got into several fights after that, and it always seemed like she used her mental illnesses against me. Every time we would argue she would tell me to shut up and stop talking because she couldn’t breathe, or she was going to take a bunch of pills, or her nose was bleeding. Like, I was having panic attacks too, I couldn’t breathe either, and more, and I wasn’t even telling her because I didn’t want to use it as a way to make her feel like she couldn’t talk to me the way she was making me feel. There was a lot more to all of this. But eventually, me being out of my mind, I went to a party with some friends, and a girl who was easy and engaged, and I ended up dating her and breaking up with Ashleigh. When I found out she was suddenly friends with Parker again I blocked her from everything and refused to talk to her. So fast forward now to today. So me and Ashley from Maine were starting to talk again for a while. I’ve dated 3 other girls since Ash, all that turned out badly. And Ashley stayed my friend through it all, and told me she still wanted to be with me and she was sorry for hurting me before. But I kept dating girls nearby because I was still hurt, and Ashley will still get really distant for long periods of time, making me feel lonely. Now I’ve made up with Ashleigh, and she wants to get back together with me. If I go back with Ashleigh, Ashley won’t give me another chance to be with her. And I want to see how we fit. If we connect, if we have chemistry. We have a lot more in common, so if we fit well, then that might be the best choice for me. But for some reason my heart wants Ashleigh, even though I know there’s so much wrong in our relationship, and I don’t know if that can ever be right again. Even when she flirts with me I want to tell her to stop, but at the same time, when I think about being with her again, I feel warm and happy inside. I’m so confused and I have no idea what to choose, what to do, or where to go. I’m so lost. I want Ashleigh, but I feel like she’s a mistake and I should be with Ashley. So my head says Ashley, my heart says Ashleigh. This is a nightmare... And the names don’t help.

#lesbians #lesbianproblems #poly problems #polyamory

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comicalweb · 7 years

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Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts - Work of Art

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts – Work of Art

There’s a reason why Daniel Tosh hates the Winter Olympics; there’s a completely different reason why he hates the Summer (more…)

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teamhufflepuff17 · 7 years

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First nine kids all disappointments? Going for perfect ten? Here are a few important things to keep in mind as you go about conception.

For starters, for a successful conception event, it is best NOT to be using ANY form of birth control. Such things include: “the pill,” invented in the late 1950s, an IUD (Ineruteran Device, both copper and hormonal.) Diaphrams, any form of condom that is inserted or applied to an external appendage, depo shots, progestin-only mini pill, nuvaring, vasectomy, hysterectomy, cervical cap, The Sponge, perfect timing, and, in general, abstinence, although if you are truly attached to the abstinence method there are medical ways of getting around this. Our advice applies to those becoming pregnant in either a bedroom, medical, or bar bathroom setting.

In pregnancy, as with all things, it’s important to keep a balance of humors. Leading up to the conception event, and during the early gestation period, keep a careful control of the comedians and memes you expose your impressionable fetal cells to. ANY exposure to Gishwhes Mocker Tosh.0, for example, might lead your child to grow up to be a fun-hating monster. We here at Team Hufflepuff suggest a carefully curated diet of current memes (though not past their expiration date-- be careful!) and Samantha Bee. Other good humors include Trevor Noah, tumblr user officialunitedstates, memelovingbot, Jessica Williams, John Mulaney, television show Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon, Hannibal Buress, Donald Glover, Bo Burnham (not including Make Happy) and NPR show Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me. Bad humors include such things as CJ Lewis, the aforementioned Tosh.0 (Daniel Tosh), TJ Miller, and all of the CW show “Supernatural” sans season two episode 15 “Tall Tales”, which is definitely a good humor.

2b. Television is a very dicey proposition these days, so make sure that you’re creating good vibes by watching the right shows. Careful study of children named “Khaleesi” have suggested that you should avoid watching Game of Thrones if you are pregnant or trying to become so. Similarly, if there is any chance (and there is usually a chance) that your child will form to be female, it may be safest to abstain from any and all watching of “Supernatural” during pre-conception, gestation, and early life, lest the bad luck be transmitted through the internet and/or airwaves. “Wayward Sisters,” which has not yet premiered, will, we’re sure, come highly recommend. (And let us pause for a moment to let this writer scream. Okay. She’s screamed. We shall now carry on with the instructions.)

Kale (hereonout referred to as [REDACTED]): Make sure there is no [REDACTED] anywhere NEAR the conception event, as its bad energies might cause defects in the child (such as a taste for [REDACTED]) or prevent conception altogether. Make a thorough sweep of the conception area before starting the Event, and stay aware as you progress, for [REDACTED] can be wiley.

In the time leading up to the conception event, or in case of failure, in between conception attempts, always make sure that the sanitary pads used by the birth-giving partner have previously been used for great art, such as an angel, or a very small renaissance sculpture. This will help the coming fetus to develop a taste for good art, and avoid such low-brow art forms as television shows on the CW network. Shudder! Go out to Costco, Sam’s Club or your regional equivalent and stock up on at least 300 pads (in case conception attempts must be repeated over an extended period.) Build something amazing, and have the birth-giving partner pick individual supplies off the sculpture as needed. If there is more than one partner that might require such resources, start with a basic stock of 900, and build a taj mahal.

Think we’ve forgotten children one through nine? Never! They are very important during the conception event, as in, you must take careful steps to make sure they are nowhere near it, as they might scare your future fetus out of existence. We recommend sending them to a movie. Probably not The Emoji Movie, as this might make them too emotional. Try something safe like a Monty Python quote-along. However, too much Monty Python might end up rubbing off on your future fetus, and this can be dangerous. If you do not live near a movie theater, or if children eight and nine are too young for such dangerous prospects, perhaps you can shut them in the neighbor’s house. I’m sure everyone on the block loves your nine children! Bribe money can also come into play here, as i’m sure you’re sending your children off to the factory as soon as they hit five years old.

I’ve just been informed that children are not allowed to go work at the factory. Or in general. Are you sure you want ten of these things? Clearly you do if you’ve gotten this far in the list, so i shall continue, for all I want is for you to be happy, and if ten children will make you happy, then you deserve to get there.

During the conception event, be it interpersonal or medical, it’s always best to set the mood. Put on some nice screamo or norwegian death metal to scare those eggs straight! (Straight as in, into forming a fetus. We know that perfect people cannot, by definition, be heterosexual-- sorry, straights out there-- so that is not the kind of straight we mean.)

Now we’re going to assume that the conception event was successful, and there are a few cells that are going to grow into a few more cells to become a fetus to become a baby to become a child to become a cranky teenage to becoming a disillusioned adult to becoming a semi successful adult that can support you in your old age. Congratulations on your success! But don’t think that your journey is done, for there is a lot to do to make sure that number ten comes out as perfect as Lauren Cohen’s portrayal of Bela Talbot. (Thought we’d forgotten about her? We hadn’t! Although we don’t actually know if Misha watched the earlier seasons, so if he hasn’t, she was the perfect female Crowley we all deserved. She was Crowley before Crowley was Crowley. And she was better at it. Rest in Peace, Bela, we’d love to see you come back as a demon someday, who can I talk to about this? You can reach me through DM, Wayward Sisters writers.)

Make sure you’re reading the right books! Everyone knows about “what to expect when you’re expecting,” but what about what to expect when you’re hoping to expect? There the market is both more broad and far more limited. Instead, break free of conventional thought-- make sure your child knows what they’re getting into in this world by reading them such works of literature as “Davy Barry’s Complete History of the Millennium (so far),” “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich,” and “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Senator Al Franken. “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” likely won’t inspire your forming child to clean their future room, but it couldn’t hurt to try.

Food and edibles are also incredibly important. We’ve already talked about the [REDACTED], and the bad energies it contains, but what about other foods? Some have suggested that avocado toast will prevent you from owning a home, but it will do wonders for your future child, even before the conception event. Stick a slice of avocado in the toaster and turn it on high until it’s a blackened mass, and then sleep with this mass under your pillow. Make sure you wear fluffy slippers to get all the benefits that come with avocado-toast adjacent sleep.

The good vibes of avocado toast aren’t limited to sleeping-- you can also use the avocado as a pumice stone on your feet, as a back scratcher. Do squats with avocados under your armpits. All of these actions will help you absorb the good vibes of the avocado and thus transmit them to the new fetus slowly growing fingernails in your uterus.

When it comes to ingestion, there are some hard and fast rules. If it’s orange, don’t eat it. That includes carrots. That includes sweet potatoes. That includes cheez-its. That includes orange chicken. All things orange are OUT during the time preceding and for two months following the conception event. You know who probably ate a lot of orange food while she was pregnant? Mary Anne MacLeod. Are we running these jokes into the ground? Probably, but frankly, that’s the only thing we can do save cry about it. So orange is out. This includes cheese puffs. This includes doritos. This includes pumpkin, and to be safe, pumpkin spice. Sorry, it’s too orange adjacent.

However, there are other colors that are much safer! Blue food, for example. Blueberries, and…. Anything else that’s blue besides blueberries. If it’s not blue, make it bue, Percy Jackson-style. I’ve got faith in you. (But wait, you’re probably thinking. If I can mkae a Dorito blue, can I eat it during the time frame laid out in the previous bullet point? Yes, I suppose. The good blue energy will cancel out the negative orange for a net of zero, so you should eat some extra blue.)

As we all know, Green is not a creative color. How much creativity your child expresses will depend on how much green you allow them to come into contact with. If you want a non-creative child-- say, a male writer who can only write about affairs the self-insert main character is having with much younger women, to name an example that comes to mind-- then you should stuff your face with peas. If you want a child who expresses their creativity in an actually creative way, then perhaps err on the side of purples instead. Trade Granny Smith for some grapes. Figure out how to cook an eggplant.

But wait, you’re saying. Aren’t eggplants sort of yellow inside, and isn’t that orange-adjacent? Wrong, because yellow is a good color. Nice and safe. Eat a banana.

Reds are fine in small doses. Don’t overdo it on the apples. Definitely do not overdo it on the red peppers. And raspberries? Play it safe with raspberries. You wouldn’t want your kid to grow up to be Macklemore. Unless you do, in which case, rasperries are your food.

If you’re capable of hearing, sounds are very important for your cell cluster. Good music for both the conception event and time preceding it includes: Anything by Kesha, anything by Lonely Island, anything by Beyonce, anything by Halsey and select songs by Imagine Dragons. Bad music for both conception and afterwards includes anything with a piano in it that was not recorded by one of the preceding artists. Pianos are bad for kids! Just look at what Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner have wrought with them! Keytars, on the other hand, will inspire your child to great heights and also probably make them tall.

Congratulations! You’re now well on your way to having child number ten! If you’re looking for naming suggestions, going with the “ten” theme could be successful. Consider naming your child something like “decem” or “ten” or, in the puritan tradition, “please be a good one this time”. Go forth and raise decent enough offspring, you superparent, you. Make sure they’re all registered to vote as soon as possible.

#gishwhes #text #photo #amy

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surveyjunkie · 8 years

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Do you sit on the couch or the floor? The couch...

How many different colleges have you gone to? Just one

How much stress can you handle? An embarrassingly low amount.

What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? Nothing. A lot of times I just pass out because I’m so mentally exhausted from work and chores I have to do when I get home, not to mention some of the shit I put up with from my stepdad. On days I can’t fall asleep, I watch Netflix or play video games.

How confident are you in achieving your dreams? Maybe like 10%? I know for a fact at this point I’ll never be an accomplished doctor like I dreamed of. My ADD is absolutely out of control and my self-confidence is too low to ever put myself out there like that, not to mention that my motivation to even APPLY for doctoral school is too low for me to even think that I would get through it in the first place. I’ve learned from working in this position and who I choose to associate myself with in life that I do not have what it takes to succeed in this field. I’m NOT a Type A, and I value my personal life and relationships wayyy more than becoming a slave to school or work. It’s just not for everybody, and I guess I need to stop fooling myself into thinking that I’m this smart, ambitious person when I’d honestly rather be doing nothing.

Do you ever get tired of all the army stuff you see all over the place? I don’t see it all over the place, but no I wouldn’t get tired of it. I have the utmost respect for our troops. << Absolutely. What a disrespectful question. Those people put their lives on the line for us so the least we can do is acknowledge their existence.

What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t think I’d get this far, honestly. And the thing is, I know I don’t belong here. I’m really happy that I was able to graduate with my bachelor’s degree and just get it over with, but I sure as hell don’t deserve to be working at a job like this.

Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No. I have trump supporters in my family and as much as I disagree with their political views I don’t let it get to me because it has nothing to do with our relationship.

At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? Who konws

Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceilings? Maybe in my mind

Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? My life is definitely not predictable. Sometimes I feel like it could be more exciting and glamorous, but when you live with bipolar disorder like I do, it’s definitely not predictable.

Would you rather things be predictable or unpredictable? I like having some routine, but at the same time it would be nice to switch it up now and then. In a good way, that is. I don’t need any more of life’s curve balls. << Pretty much this.

Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? Honestly, yes. I’ve been a lot happier recently because of the money I’ve been making from this job. I don’t have to worry about making my bills on time, and I’m able to buy and do things that make me happy. If I didn’t have money, I’d be pretty miserable, and if I had more, I’d be even happier.

Do you think you will die happy? Maybe.

Is shopping a form of therapy for you? Yeah, in a way. Especially if it’s stuff like candles or decor that will make my surroundings nicer. Or stuff for my dog haha.

Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? I take Prozac for my anxiety and depression symptoms, but I probably need more than just that.

Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Well, yes of course. If they want to change that is. It has to be for them. Even then they likely will stumble and relapse, but that doesn’t mean they can never change. It’s a work in progress. A daily thing. <<

What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? Pizza counts as a snack, right?

Do you like looking at pictures? I like through old photos. Like from when I was younger. << Same, I like to reminisce about the simpler times in my life.

Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? Lol, indirectly I guess. I won’t get into that though.

Are you good at persuading? Lol sometimes. A lot of times I just bribe people with food or something.

Are you a submissive person? Kind of. I’m trying to get better at though.

Do you think the professional personality tests are bogus? They’re not “bogus”, but I do agree that they can be inaccurate because it’s hard to put a personality into one neat little box. You can define certain aspects of it, but it’s ever-changing and often times requires more analysis than just self-report. Sorry, the psych major in me just came out.

Do you believe everyone should learn another language while still a child? I do, actually, but not only because it’s much easier to learn a language while you’re still a child, but because I think it’s important for the population in general to become bilingual in order to reduce racial/cultural prejudices and things like that.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I think they’re beautiful if they’re done right. I’m all about self-expression.

Do you care what people think? Way too much.

How many dirty looks have you received today? Who knows, I’ve been around a lot of different people today so maybe one person did. I didn’t do anything to deserve one though.

If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? I’d probably faint, honestly. That would be some next-level shit.

Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I do. There’s a lot we don’t know about this universe yet, it’s possible.

How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? I can’t put a number on it, but it happens sometimes.

What is the most consecutive miles you have ran? 3.5

Are there any words you absolutely hate? I mean, sure. I can’t think of any at the moment though.

How many picture messages have you received? Ever? I have absolutely no idea.

Sent? Again, I have no idea. That is over a span of years of being able to send and receive picture messages.

Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? The last person.

What is your favorite pair of shoes that you own? My wine-colored vans. I haven’t even taken them out of the box yet because it’s been too cold to wear them, but once spring comes you can bet I’m wearing them almost every day.

One person people think you look similar to? My mom.

Who is the most recent addition to your contacts? Who knows

Are tongue piercings slutty? No

What is the worst physical pain you have ever felt? Not sure.

What is the fourth picture on your phone? It’s a picture of Josh and I on New Years. It’s actually one my favorites.

What is the worst thing about winter? The chapped lips, dry skin and frizzy hair. That’s three things I suppose but whatever.

Where do you order your pizza? Marco’s or Pizza Hut. Sometimes I’ll pick some up from Little Caesar’s.

Do you think you would lose some friends if you gained 100 pounds? My friends aren’t my friends because of what I weigh or how I look. That would be really, really shitty. << Lol, yep

Last cuss word you said? I think an F-bomb.

Do you usually say too much or too little? Too much. Always too much.

Lyrics to the song you are listening to: I’m not listening to a song.

Two things you are tired of: This job.

What tv show do you wish your life was most like? Friends.

What person of the opposite sex makes you laugh most? My boyfriend.

Best purchase you ever made? It’s between my laptop and my TV

Do you have pictures up in your room? Yeah, I have a photo of Jo and I on our senior spring break trip up on my desk, and a picture of my mom and I when I was four or five.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? Sure

Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No

Does your school have any rivals? I’m no longer in school.

Which one of your friends causes the most drama? None.

How many Facebooks have you had? Just the one I have.

Who is the most inappropriate old person you know? My fucking stepdad. He’s not really “old” though, but yeah.

Have you ever been punched in the face? By my little brother back when we were kids, yeah.

When was the last time you talked to the first person you kissed? An hour or two ago.

What is the latest you have ever slept in? Until almost 3.

Do you know what your name would have been if you were the opposite sex? I’m guessing my brother’s name, Daniel.

Are you embarrassed to buy condoms? Kind of, but I don’t ever buy them sooooo.

Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? Yes.

What year in your life do you think you were the least attractive? LOL 7th grade. I had the choppiest Great Clips haircut, bushy eyebrows, crooked teeth, and wirey glasses. And I thought it was cool to put giant bows in my hair. I was a hot mess.

Do you have any nicknames? Tash, Basha, Tashie, Tosh.0, Tersha, Tayesha, yeah it goes on and on

How often do you wear necklaces? I wear chokers every now and then.

Did anything bad happen to you in August? No

Do you have a morning routine? Wake up, pee, brush my teeth, take the dog out, change, brush my hair, feed the dog, leave

Is the first text in your inbox saved? My phone keeps all my texts already. I don’t go through and delete any.

Was the last time you logged into your email? I’m logged in right now

If you are getting up early on a saturday it’s most likely…because I drank too much the night before, or because I have a doctor’s appointment.

What are the first 3 channels you check when you first turn on the tv? We don’t get any cable

What was your last halloween costume? Louise from Bob’s Burgers

Have you discovered your passion? I like to write, and act.

Do you get tan in the summer? I get black.

#survey #surveys

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