#DUMP HIS ASS YAK

[waitmyturtles]

Dee, honey, YOU’RE the one who needs to get socked

DEE IS SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS

[thewhumpcaretaker]

Vincent buys a really expensive horse he can’t quite ride…maybe he can sort of ride but this horse is too spirited for him, or maybe he’s never actually ridden and thinks it looks easier than it actually is. Maybe he has a really fancy competitive riding outfit that he puts on for his first ride. The horse dumps his ass and Chidi naturally has to pick him up and comfort him. Probably Chidi would want to shoot the horse right there, not because he’s an awful guy who hates animals or anything, but just because it hurt Vincent. (Vincent stops him though!) Maybe then he decides to get actual riding lessons, or hire a professional rider for the horse, or something.

Aaaaaaaa I really love this ask, thank you anon!!! I went with the idea that this horse is too spirited. Of course he’d think that he has what it takes to tame a horse like that even when he doesn’t. And I headcanon that animals are initially quite suspicious of him because he's not good at taking their feelings into account and tends to do things that leaves a bad first impression. The yak and Dog in Beyond Judgement were both that way. So an already free-spirited horse could definitely be spooked by Vincent...although I think they would form a deep bond in the end ^_^

-⚜- Pure of Heart -⚜-

TW: threatened animal death (but it doesn't happen), possible concussion

Disclaimer: I don't ride horses so this is just based on what I've been told by a family member who does ride.

Image Sources: One (screenshot) | Two (this was from Google Images but it linked to the Tumblr @b-skarsgard in general rather than the post, so I couldn't find the particular post link. You can message that link to me if you want it added!) | Three | Borders

“They call her ‘Golden Unicorn.’ That’s ‘Licorne Dorée’ for you, I believe.” The trader ran a hand along the shimmering, silky neck of his latest offering for the Marquis de Gramont. She looked truly metallic, glittering almost as much as his suit. “’Course, the horn is an accessory added by our effects artists. But she does have quite a prominent forehead, almost a vestigial horn if you use your imagination.”

The Marquis smiled, humoring him, though he was genuinely intrigued. “A cute touch. What is she really?”

“An Akhal-teke. One of the shiniest of all horse breeds, and she’s the daughter of two winning show horses. Her pedigree goes back five generations, in fact.” He handed over a certificate boasting of a long line of dressage winners on both the father and mother’s lineage. “Her sister is showing next week before Queen Elizabeth.”

He glanced up from the paper, suspicious of a deal too good to be true. “Why is this one for sale, then?”

“Well…” the trader chuckled nervously. “She lives up to her name, you see. I’m sure you’ve heard myths about the free-spirited unicorn? Won’t let anyone but the pure of heart ride her?”

Ah. So that explained the charade with the horn. Though he had to admit, it was working on him. “You’re saying she’s green-broke.”

“…That’s…about right.” So not even fully green-broke, then.

The Marquis eyed the animal, who seemed to feel his gaze. She tossed her head against the lead rope. Even beneath the trader’s familiar hand, her muscles were trembling. “I’ve broken a horse before.”

The trader sighed dramatically. “Not like this one. I’ll be honest with you, Marquis, for liability’s sake: she may be a five-year-old mare but she acts like a two-year-old intact stallion. And she’s nervous as hell. I know what she could be, with the right training – you’ve seen how gracefully she moves. But it takes a very special touch to even get into the saddle with this one.” In a silent challenge, his eyes lingered meaningfully on Vincent’s horse show awards lining the far wall of the stable. Are you that special?

Vincent knew exactly what this man was doing, but he was already too sold to care. “I’ll take her.”

-⚜-

“En êtes-vous sûr, monsieur? Il serait peut-être plus sûr de demander à l'un de vos entraîneurs de la tester d'abord. [Are you sure about this, sir? It might be safer to get one of your trainers to test ride her first.]” Chidi was tightening the chinstrap of his master’s riding helmet, inlaid with gold pinstripes under the clearcoat. He was in one of his finer outfits, with polished black boots trimmed in gold, spotless white chaps, white gloves, and a black, double-breasted coat.

“Je peux la gérer. [I can handle her.]” Chidi knew better than to say anything further, and Vincent strode confidently towards his “Licorne,” who waited in the corral, already saddled and held in place by a stable hand. It was a perfect day for riding, with the late morning sun casting sheens across her withers and a light breeze lifting her mane. She was really an elegant thing. Even as she took two hasty steps back from him, there was a dancerly quality to the motion. Vincent admired her for a long moment and finally deigned to stretch out a gloved hand to her nose in a gesture of goodwill.

If he had expected her to be instantly soothed by his presence as she had never been for anyone else (which was in fact exactly what he had expected), he was to be disappointed. She shied away again and only allowed herself to be touched when she realized she was at the end of her lead rope. But god, she was soft as silk. Up close, she was an unearthly, angelic conglomeration of velvet wrinkles, soft pink nostrils in a complexity of folds and fine eyelashes spraying as starbursts from those cold yet honeyed eyes that regarded him so suspiciously. He trailed his hand down her cheek and then her neck as he made his way to the saddle, over delicate veins and twitching muscles, enjoying the texture.

She realized how close he was getting to the saddle and flattened her ears. He mounted anyway. She stumbled forward and backward, uneasy, while he “woa-ed” for her to stop.

He couldn’t deny at this point that she disliked him, and it irritated him a little. “Pourquoi tu ne me fais pas confiance, hmm ? Ne suis-je pas « pur de cœur » ? Je ne t'ai rien fait. [Why don’t you trust me, hmm? Am I not ‘pure of heart’? I haven’t done anything to you.]” As if in answer, she snorted, but even that was done delicately. “Vos formateurs ont-ils parlé français avec vous? [Did your trainers speak French with you?]”

The stable hand answered for her. “Les papiers indiquaient qu'elle avait été formée en anglais, monsieur. [The paperwork said she was trained in English, sir.]”

“Ah, c'est ça le problème alors. Eh bien, elle saura ce que cela signifie. [Ah, that’s the problem then. Well, she’ll know what this means.]” And he clicked his tongue at her to begin walking.

She set off around the perimeter of the fence, but her eyes were wide and her ears were still down. Chidi was watching from the gate, completely tense. Vincent couldn’t understand why he was being so uptight about this. “Tu vois, Chidi? Elle m'aime bien. [You see, Chidi? She likes me.]”

He clicked again and squeezed at her sides, urging her into a trot.

That was all it took. She’d had it, and bucked. Vincent dug in stubbornly – he had indeed broken horses before, and he knew how to hang on – but she was of another sort entirely. She did a kind of sideways leap, at once violent and fluid in its motion, and he felt the sharp rush of air from his lungs as the ground knocked the wind from him. It didn’t seem possible to get air back inside his body, and only after a moment of gasping did he register intense pain in his head. Licorne, meanwhile, was making screeching, wild whinnies, and he could tell by the sound that she was running circles around the corral in search of escape.

Her commotion was matched only by Chidi. He had rushed into the corral immediately, ignoring the danger she posed, and pulled Vincent into his lap, cradling his head. “Marquis! Es-tu blessé? [Marquis! Are you hurt?]”

“…Je ne sais pas. […I don’t know.]” He felt terribly dazed. He should be protesting, but instead he found himself leaning into Chidi’s shoulder as he was lifted and carried out through the gate, the stable hand making way for them. Chidi sat him gently onto a bench and started shouting at the stable hand to get a doctor.

“Je vais bien. Je vais bien, j'ai juste besoin d'air… [I’m alright. I’m alright, I just need air…]” Oh. He seemed to be hugging Chidi rather desperately. At least the man was hugging him back, thank goodness for that.

Chidi, for his part, was fuming. The second that Vincent’s grip started to loosen, he was on his feet with his gun drawn on the horse, over the fence. She seemed to sense what that meant and reared in panic.

“NON! Ne le faites pas! [NO! Don’t!]” Vincent came between them in an instant.

“Cet animal est dangereux, monsieur. Ça t'a fait mal. Il faut qu'il meure. [This animal is dangerous, sir. It hurt you. It needs to die.]”

“Ne lui tirez pas dessus ! Elle me fera confiance, je sais qu'elle le fera… [Don’t shoot her! She’ll trust me, I know she will…]”

Chidi reluctantly lowered his gun and moved to steady Vincent instead, who had stood up much too quickly after all that. He leaned back against the fence, deflated and holding onto Chidi’s hand. “Ce n'est pas sa faute. C'est tellement frustrant… les animaux ne m'aiment jamais, Chidi. Je ne comprends pas pourquoi. [It’s not her fault. It’s just so frustrating…animals never like me, Chidi. I don’t understand why.]”

“Vos autres chevaux vous aiment très bien, monsieur. Je pense qu'il y a quelque chose qui ne va pas avec celui-ci. [Your other horses like you just fine, sir. I think there’s something wrong with this one.]”

“Non,” he said quietly. “Finalement, ils le font, mais ils mettent toujours plus de temps à me faire confiance qu'à quiconque. [Eventually they do, but they always take longer to trust me than anyone else.]” He pulled off his helmet and rubbed at his head, wondering if he had a concussion. He wished he didn’t feel so much like crying all of a sudden, all over being thrown from some stupid horse.

But Chidi was looking at something behind him.

He glanced behind him to see that Licorne Dorée had approached the fence. She was sniffing cautiously at his shoulder, as if in apology.

“Ne bouge pas, Chidi. [Don’t move, Chidi],” he whispered. “Peut-être que si nous ne lui faisons pas peur... [Maybe if we don’t scare her…]” Neither of them moved at all until, very slowly, Vincent opened his hand for her to sniff. This time, she nuzzled into it, and let Vincent start stroking the bridge of her nose. His heart absolutely melted. “Tellement adorable, regarde ça. Quel bon cheval. [So adorable, look at this. What a good horse.]”

Chidi smiled at the pair of them, finally relaxing. “Elle a dû te voir me rabaisser. [She must have seen you talk me down.]”

“Fille intelligente. Elle sait que dans ce monde, on ne peut vraiment faire confiance qu’à ceux qui sont allés jusqu’à nous sauver de la mort. [Clever girl. She knows that in this world, only those who’ve gone as far as saving us from death can truly be trusted.]” He looked at Chidi meaningfully, and saw the same knowing tenderness answering his own.

“Pensez-vous que j'ai le cœur pur, Chidi? [Do you think I am pure of heart, Chidi?]” His tone was playful, but he still felt something sorrowful nagging at him from within.

“Oui Monsieur. Pure quoi, je ne sais pas, mais je n’ai jamais rencontré quelqu’un d’aussi pur que toi. [Yes, sir. Pure what, I don’t know, but I’ve never met anyone as pure as you.]” Licorne Dorée nosed at his cheek, and if she was trying to cheer him up, it worked. He knew then that he was going to love this horse…whether he ever rode her or not.

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 3

Keep Sharp

On the Road Again

Welcome back to Calorum you guys. We last left off witnessing an actual miracle as a group of cheese assassins masquerading as meatlanders (and Brennan by proxy) failed to kill a single Candian, Tartguard included.

Now, everyone is picking up the pieces. Amethar is still messed up from the fight so he’s being tended to. Liam and some of the NPCs are working on clearing the tree from the road. Ruby, still covered in blood, is in one of the carriages and when she uses Prestidigitation to clear the blood from a circus flyer she was carrying, Calroy walks in and grabs her hand to stop her as a reflex. He quickly drops her hand--very bold move to grab one of the princesses like that--and tries to impress on her that the rest of the world isn’t like Candia and she really really needs to stop with the casual magic when they’re on the road. Ruby is really naively taken aback and frustrated by this information but Calroy describes it like it’s business as usual. Her aunt, Lazuli, has the title of Archmage but the official position is that the title is an archaic holdover from less enlightened times and she was simply a really good alchemist--even though everyone knows that’s untrue. That’s politics bay-bee! Lapin joins the conversation (along with Theo shortly after) and says that if people knew where he got his powers from, he’d be dead (which seems a weird thing to say with Calroy in earshot).  

Outside, Liam is chopping up the tree and finds these little peppermint acorn things called Heartseeds which are basically concentrated, ambient, magical energy that can grant small wishes. Preston eats them and gains a fly speed of 40 (but it’s like he’s a firework--he has to land after 40 feet). Jet finds Liam and asks for help with keeping an eye on Ruby. She’s pretty shook after seeing her almost die. Liam is down to do it for nothing (the kid just wants to be included) but Jet insists on being in his debt and--always on brand--he just asks for some cool seeds. She also finds a meat shield that’s made out of gross, burnt, stuck-to-the-pan meat bits that she names Burnt Ends. 

They get going again and in the PC wagon you have all the PCs but Jet (who is outside with the guards and Grissini) along with Cruller and his wife--Lady Donetta. She chats with Grissini for a little bit while the adults try to get her to get in the carriage. She’s finally swayed by Ruby but when she comes in she says she wasn’t (just) flirting. She was trying to get intel on how in trouble Ruby was. Liam offers that he speaks Ceresian so he can spy if they need him to and also did anyone have any dreams last night? Theo--who is trying to keep everyone alive and was like so close to being impressed by Liam--along with Lapin and Cruller try to get everyone back on track but Ruby--defiantly--is all, “They’re not gonna kill me. I’m a princess!” Theo points out that someone almost killed her literally ten minutes ago and Cruller points out that death isn’t the only bad thing that can happen to a person. She could get forcibly put in a monastery for instance. Jet is not even having that in hypothetical-land and says that as the heir princess, she would lay the smackdown on anyone who tried to do that. 

It looks like things are about to dissolve into overlapping gibberish but Amethar does the dad thing of putting his foot down and yelling at everyone to get along before taking a dad nap passing out from his injuries. Lady Donetta patches him up while Cruller once again talks about the importance of politics. It’s not just them that have to play this game. The Meatlanders are polytheistic generally but all Bulbian on paper. Jet thinks this whole song and dance is ridiculous and should be changed once she has more sway in politics, but she’s willing to shut up for now. She’s also willing to keep Lapin’s secret, but him bringing it up sparks Cruller’s interest. Lapin tries to gloss over it but Liam chimes in that he’s sorry about breaking his teacup. Lapin shuts him up (Liam on a low Insight check thinks he hates him) and rolls a 14 to get Cruller off his back.

Secrets and Lies

As they cross the border into Fructerra, Sir Theo invites Ruby and Jet out for some fresh air and they invite Liam which he goes along with even though it’s clear he wanted to talk to the sisters alone. As soon as they’re out of earshot of everyone Theo turns off the scold and says that regardless of everything they’re all saying, Ruby absolutely needs to keep studying magic. He says that he was a ward of Lazuli who taught him some magic (including animating Sprinkle) and he has a whole-ass lore dump for them that he was planning on subtly revealing over time but now’s the time for getting everybody up to speed ASAP not mentoring from the shadows:

He says that Lazuli--who, like Ruby and Jet, wanted magic to be acceptable and not relegated to the shadows of one kingdom--was doing arcane research into wild stuff like immortality that would have advanced the world a lot further than its current state. She died sacrificing herself in a battle where she was the only Candian casualty. Theo was there and, before she sent him away, she said that she needed to do it to, “save [their] people and save [their] world.” He didn’t get what she meant and why that would be literally the hill she--a princess and Archmage--would choose to die on but he knows she would sometimes have visions of the future and he thinks she might have known Ruby was coming and needed to ensure that timeline happened. Ruby--who is outraged that this is the first she’s hearing of all of this and shocked that Theo is suddenly cool (“I've always been cool! All of us are cool!”) still doesn’t want to do all this “book stuff” or embrace any kind of magical destiny and even Jet is like, “Come on girl.” Anyway, Sir Theo tells them they just need to be chill and lowkey and he’ll hook them up with magical training and banned books for Jet. He also promises to teach Ruby the Find Familiar spell. 

Liam helps Lady Donetta with herbal remedies for Amethar and he comes back at full health. Amethar gets to talking about Liam’s dad who he says had Liam’s knack from nature stuff and taught him (Amethar) how to fight. Calroy chimes in that his dad and Amethar fought together in the Ravening War. He also says that Liam being a hostage (he outright calls him a hostage) is what lets his dad not join the Concord (the kind of ride or die, post Ravening War pact everyone else is in) and remain an independent rebel state. Apparently, he seceded because, King Jadin (Amethar’s Dad--the past king), would not uphold Candia’s alliances. Liam’s dad (Duke Joren Jawbreaker) turned traitor to go fight with their Dairy Island allies.         

It takes another couple of days to get to Comida and, on the way there, Ruby learns and casts the Find Familiar spell--netting her a butterscotch falcon that she names Yak after the noise he makes. She hopes he’ll be friends with Sprinkle because Siobhan knows that the second real objective of every D&D campaign (after making friends) is acquiring pets and having them play with each other (which is in direct opposition to the DM goal of not letting any of your players have any pets).    

Cruller checks in with Theo about the secret magic lessons and also says that he’s looked into it and the imperial soldiers who saw Ruby do magic are gossiping. Grissini is shutting some of it down so it’s not spreading like wildfire but it’s really just a matter of time. Cruller tries to get more specifics about what Jet and Lapin were talking about (his Sugarplum magic) and Theo dodges the question. Cruller says that he can be more helpful if he’s in the loop but doesn’t push further. 

Faces and Names 

We have made it to Comida and, after a quick House Rocks family heart to heart, it’s time for a parade of a BUNCH of new characters:

Manta Ray Jack: Man at Arms of House Cheddar and one of Amethar’s Ravening War buddies. A literal 2 foot tall cube of cheese. He also has a tattoo of a Manta Ray on his arm  which isn’t important to the plot but is important to me that you know.       

Sir Morris Brie: Knight of House Cheddar, Master of State to the Duchess (who we’ll get to next) and another Dairy Island buddy of Amethar.

Duchess Primsy Coldbottle: A literal bottle of milk, 16-year-old regent of House Cheddar (Duchess of Lacramor specifically) and ruler of the Dairy Islands. On a nat 20, Ruby knows that Prince Tarthur Cheddar was the prince during the Ravening Wars but died. She also knows about…

Captain Annabelle Cheddar: (Captain of the Colby) who is this cool, naval, battle-ready lady that Ruby sees hanging out with a bunch of solider women fighters and having a great time while Primsy is talking to her advisors. Apparently, Anabelle should be the rightful heir to the Dairy Islands but was stripped of her title because she refused to marry (hmm) which Ruby thinks is sick as hell. She goes to chat her up and finds out that she’ll be fighting in the Melee part of the tourney.  

Senator Augustus Ciabatta: A full bread person who’s a senator from the very populous Ceresia and he’s throwing coins to the people from his palanquin. (I want it on the record that I feel an episode called Bread and Circuses coming.)

Prince Cabbage: The adult son of King Cabbage. His palanquin is the second largest. The largest belongs to...

Hierophant Rex Belizabeth Brassica: She is basically the Bulb Pope. She’s like a green woman with broccoli hair. She and Lapin have met before before she became pope. They quickly talk and she invites him to tag along as they pay their respects to the Emperor. He agrees to go. She’s followed around by Archbishop Onionpatch (another Primogen from Greenhold in Vegetania).

Theo is a little nervous about Amethar cozying up to all these dairy people considering the attack but Amethar insists he can handle himself. There’s a big feast set up and Amethar goes to talk to Primsy who is just super sweet and seems to know she has a lot of responsibility that she is trying her level best to uphold. She’s like the anti Jet and Ruby and Brennan...if something happens to her...I swear...  

Anyway, Theo is scanning the room for trouble and he sees (1) That Anabelle is looking at Amethar forlornly from across the room (maybe like she wishes she could be in the room where it happens so to speak?) and (2) there is a young Dairy nobleman stealth flirting with Primsy. Amethar asks Sir Brie about the attack and he says they had nothing to do with it. They don’t have the resources after the war which was fought largely in the Dairy Isles. He seems to blame Anabelle at least partially for the diminished power of House Cheddar based on the dirty look he shoots her when he mentions the state of the state. Amethar reiterates that the alliance between Candia and the Dairy Isles is solid and Manta Ray Jack pops in to casually drop that Amethar had a war girlfriend (lover? idk what the proper terminology is here) in the Far East Isles back in the day so I’m sure that’s gonna become relevant at the worst possible moment. 

Brennan also curses us by unleashing Thad (Jet’s avocado pen pal boyfriend) onto the story and as soon as Jet re-meets this poncy, French-y, horny, avocado she’s like “I made a huge mistake” and later gets him to “meet her outside” so she can ditch him.   

Theo goes with Liam to check up on Primsy because he’s concerned with whatever is going on with her and that cheese boy who he learns is her traveling companion--Lord Stilton Curdeau. And it’s covered by cologne but his cheese stink is familiar. He wants to alert Amethar but Amethar is currently eyeing Basha Myaso (Warlord of the Beef Clans and ruler of all of the Meatlands) who is glaring at him. On Calroy’s advice, he squares up with Basha who implies that Candia is responsible for the false flag attack. Amethar tells him to “watch [his] fucking mouth.” Diplomacy!

Meanwhile, Lapin is with the Pontifex in the Great Food Pyramid (which is, of course, a thing). She introduces him to Sir Keradin Deeproot who is this super buff super intense carrot Paladin. We learn that Lapin isn’t an archbishop and his title of primogen comes from his status as a “miracle worker”. Apparently, Miracle working is very uncommon even though the Bulbian church is so massive. When asked, Onionpatch says that things in Vegetania are fine except that King Belvedere Cabbage is infirm. Another Priogem--this one of Cersia--joins them, the Archbishop Fettucina Alfredi who is this very classically beautiful looking, toga wearing woman with glowing eyes--she’s also a miracle worker. Lapin is like, “Oh fuck,” because if she’s magic too then she might be able to tell that he’s not actually on the level.          

Lapin veers away from Alfredi and chats up the Pontifex who says Brightgarden is OK but they're currently dealing with a murder of an archbishop in the Meatlands (the Archbishop Raddica). Lord Basha is looking for who did it and the Pontifex wants them brought to justice ASAP. Alfredi brings up the attack on the road and wonders about the rumors she heard about strange magic. Lapin, sweating bullets, lies and says that he thinks it was the work of the Bulb. On a 14 Deception from Lapin, Alfredi thinks lavender fog would be a weird Bulbian intercession. It sounds more like something a false good she’s heard about from Candia would do. What’s her name? The Sugarplum Fairy? Lapin, with a 25 Persuasion check, is able to wave that off as primitive backwoods things that he’s working to stamp out in Candia. That’s enough to get the Pontifex on his side and they go up to see the Emperor. 

Outside of his room is his daughter--Lady Plumbeline Uvano--who is lowkey very upset about something. She greets them and then takes the Pontifex in to talk to the Emperor while Lapin waits outside with Alfredi and Kerradin. When she’s done paying the respects of the church, the whole holy crew goes back to the party. Before Lapin splits off, the Pontifex does a little pull aside with him about Candia’s role in the war and how she thinks, with him at the helm, Candia is in good hands.  

At Sir Theo's suggestion, Amethar has the Candy Crew stand with the Cheese Peeps during the announcement of the tourney which is a big deal because it’s a symbol that the alliance is still on even though they were attacked by cheese bandits. Primsy introduces herself to the princesses and gives them cool, milksilk handkerchiefs she embroidered herself with a candy cane crossed with a cheese cube on a stick with their house words: There is Strength in Sweetness. She doesn’t have one for Liam but gives him hers (it has her house words: Keep Sharp) on the condition he joins the archery competition and fights for her. With not a 15 between the 6 of them (even w/ multiple help actions) none of the PCs have presents for anyone else.              

The tourney is announced. There are three events, each with a dope prize. Winner of the melee gets a boon from the emperor at the end of his rule. The winner of the archery contest gets a seat on the Cornucopian Council, the title of Master of Arrows, and is made advisor to the next emperor (which seems like a LOT to put on a person whose main skill is “can shoot arrows well” but OK sure). The winner of the joust gets to name a candidate for Emperor from any class or house they wish and their choice must be considered. Ruby and Liam join the archery contest. Theo signs up for the joust. Jet is hesitant but Amethar convinces her to join the melee with him. She also scratches “The Dairy Islands Rule!” into a piece of wood for Primsy and she’s charming enough that Primsy doesn’t think it’s a slipshod afterthought.  

An imperial courier shows up and tells Theo the Emperor wants to talk to Amethar. He brings all the PCs and Calroy. Lady Plumbeline is still outside her dad’s room and she’s still pissed. On a 24 Insight check, Theo can tell that--as I suspected from episode 1--she is pretty ticked that she has all this institutional knowledge and competence and experience but, because of an arbitrary rule, she can’t take the throne. She tells Amethar (who she met when she was a teen) that they need to limit how many people go in as to not overwhelm him. He takes Lapin and Theo (who gives Sprinkle to Jet) and goes in to talk to Uvano.

Uvano, as we already know, was another Ravening War buddy of Amethar’s and another person he’s seen piss and shit--which we learn because that’s apparently how Amethar classifies who his best friends are. They talk the way old buddies do and Uvano asks what he would say about his life taking a surprising turn. Amethar says that if it was anyone else asking, he probably wouldn’t be on board but for Uvano? He’ll do it. That’s just what he wanted to hear.   

And that’s where we end the episode without rolling initiative because the combat in the next episode is all fun and games and to quote Lou Wilson--who I suspect is about to become the wrongest person in D20 history--“It’s all sparring. Nobody is going to get killed.”

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.

You Should Know

Country Accents seen to be as follows: Dairy (Scottish), Meat (Russian), Fruit (French), Grain (Italian), Candy (American/British)

In the long awaited sequel to “Kristen Has -3 Dex,” Liam has a -2 to Charisma. 

Ruby speaks Lacra (Dairy-speak).

The Meatlander gods include The Great Cow, The Great Boar, and The Great Hen. 

The head beef dude has a super jacked T-Bone steak wife who I assume we’ll get a name for during the melee next episode. Update, courtesy of @fjordgofurther--we did get a name this ep. Her name is Scravoya.

The Bulbian concept of hell/the devil involves the “Hungry Ones” which just serves to underline that Brennan really did think this crazy thing all the way through and still decided to not do it but to DO it. 

Everyone levels up every episode I believe since D20 uses milestone leveling for the main seasons but Ruby and Jet leveled up twice to level 3 to help catch them up a little now that they have a story reason to be stronger. 

Things I’m Concerned About

Uvano is only in his 60s. Like, people die in their 60s but that detail casually mentioned in a setting like this always brings up the possibility of poison or some other kind of sabotage.

The second Brennan mentioned the daughter of Uvano in passing ep 1, I clocked it and the situation is basically what I was anticipating it seems. Like, of course she’s pissed. I would be too. I wonder if either the boon or the chance to offer up a candidate could be used to override the Concord rules? Either way, gotta keep an eye on her. Also, I noticed the little flippant remark she had for the Pontifex (“This is Fructerra, I’m dressed for court.”) and I don’t know if that’s distaste for the church or something more personal but it seemed interesting enough to mention. 

I know that the improvisational nature of D&D means that there’s not foreshadowing in the same way that you have in something fully set like a book or a movie but every time the Rocks family gets together for a sweet (ha) conversation (“We just want to protect you, Pop.”) I am just more and more sure we are being set up for a fall.  

Lou Wilson’s defining trait as a D&D player is doing what his character would do and letting it play out to its logical conclusion, consequences be damned--consequences be welcomed even. And Amethar is--como se dice--no Calroy when it comes to politics. I can’t imagine these facts at up to any kind of happy sum.  

Also, speaking of, I wanna trust Calroy, but I can’t. He’s too good at this. He’s too competent. He knows too much information and Amethar trusts him too much. Hope he proves me wrong but I will not be made a fool of by a slice of cake. Do you hear me Brennan? I REFUSE.    

I've only had Primsy for a week, but if anything happened to her, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself. No but, seriously, if she is just as she appears to be (and this is GoT so I guess it’s not off the table that she’s secretly like bad and it would have taken a 30 Insight check to find out) then MAN I am so scared for her. Characters who are just trying their best to do a good job are my Kryptonite and she is as much in the wrong genre as the twins are. Moreso even.  

I’m concerned Amethar has a cheesecake baby somewhere out there that’s gonna end up being a Problem. Oh my god what if one of the twins dies and their backup character is Amethar’s illegitimate kid? 

The Bulbian Church has so much power but so little magic which seems...odd. Also, just curious, what is a Paladin without divine magic? Isn’t that just a fighter?

I very much vibe with the concept of Alfredi as a character but lol I was STRESSED for Lapin during that whole conversation and I feel like that’s gonna be my default state for him all season.  

I’m concerned (or maybe just suspicious) that there’s more to the backstory with Theo and Lazuli than we heard. That little extra narration from Brennan about swearing he could feel her smile? Mmm, OK. 

Five More Things

The character art for this season cracks me up because Brennan clearly gave the artist for this season two lists and one list was labeled “Hot” and one was labeled “Ridiculous” and that’s how we got characters like Primsy and Calroy in the same scene as Anabelle and Grissini and the funniest part is Brennan’s absolute refusal to play any of these characters like they’re any more or less ridiculous than any of the others. He’s like, “The hot pasta woman is valid and the talking cheese cube is EQUALLY VALID.” 

“Not this season. Not season five.” Very bold of Brennan to be outraged about Emily trying to ride a living sprinkle dog like that's the ridiculous thing about a world with a living sprinkle dog.

The Sucorsi Road running into the Glucian Road for Sucrose and Glucose is the kind of worldbuilding detail that I love. 

I was gonna be so mad at Brennan for the nonsense that is the name “Belizabeth” but he said on Adventuring Party that he was specifically dunking on GRRM with that so he gets a pass this time. 

You know that famous Pixar meeting/lunch where they came up with Bugs Life, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, and Wall-E in one conversation? I bet Brennan had a similar brainstorming sesh where he came up with Garthy, Anabelle, and two other thirst traps that haven’t been introduced yet. Like come on. He described her hair as, “princely”? Brennan is trying to kill some of y’all. 

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Dearly Beloved

Summary: Here comes the grooms...grooms? Grooooooms??

Notes: The wedding! FINALLY the wedding. Everything is going just about how Red expected it would. 

Also on AO3

By Any Other Name masterlist

~~*~~

The town hall was the first public building that had been put up in New New Home. At first, it had been necessary for meetings, discussions that were important for their very lives, but gradually it had turned into more of a community building for all kinds of get togethers. Dances, parties, and yeah, weddings.

The decorations were carefully done, not that Red knew much about that but eh, he figured it had been done right. His brother had very specific tastes and that was fine. The kid that had grown up in the garbage dumps was still beneath that and just because he didn’t need to be that kid anymore didn’t mean he’d forgotten how.

Red made sure of that. 

And what of it, anyway? They all had dings in their souls, metaphorically speaking, even Papyrus, who came off as cheerful and maybe a little vacant, until you dug a deeper to see beneath it. They all had dents, wounds that had healed over. Point of fact, Stretch’s soul had been pretty close to broken when they got here. Red had noticed that when they first met; he was pretty good at that, noticing things, and once he’d gotten to know him a little, Asgore had put that knack to good use.

King Fluffybuns came off as a good guy, but he had more than just a way with flowers going for him.

Speaking of, the entire hall was decorated liberally with plenty of flowers in shades of autumn, orange and yellow and deep red. He guessed the flowers were top notch, his bro wouldn’t have accepted anything less. Buncha weeds as far as Red was concerned.

What was really concerning was the hour, ten minutes past the appointed time and so far, they had guests and an officiant, Sans, since Stretch and Edge had both wanted their brothers to stand with them, and Stretch would probably rather get married by an Elvis impersonator than let Asgore do it as he had for Undyne and Alphys.

Sans was keeping the guests entertained with some decently clean jokes, but he caught Red’s eye lights and gestured discreetly. what’s up?

Red signed back, give me five.

If he’d know he was going on a fucking quest today, he would have worn more comfortable shoes. Out past the double doors in the foyer, Antwan was standing, hands in his pockets and looking a lot like he wished he smoked at least something. A little weed right now would probably be helpful, but it was too late for that.

“hey,” Red nodded to him, “so, i can’t help but notice we have a room full of people in fancy clothes in there, sans is up front ready to officiate, and we are shy two grooms.”

“You noticed that, too?” Antwan always had a bone-dry sense of humor. “Where’s Edge?”

Red picked at his gold tooth with a sharp fingertip, “puking in the john.”

Antwan nodded. “Always thought it was weird how you guys can do that.”

“yeah, it's real chuckilicious,” Red agreed. “he’ll be fine, just needs a minute. i tell ya, give him a fight? he’ll step right up. something like this, it’s hurlsville. kid has issues.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Antwan said dryly. Red shrugged; everything couldn’t be his fault.

“welp, that’s one. where’s stretch?”

Antwan jerked a thumb at the outer door. “Outside having a panic attack.”

“uh huh. so it’s going pretty much how we expected,” Red sighed. Why was it always on him to get these fucksticks in line? “tell ya what, you go on in and see if you can keep my bro from yakking up his shoes, and i’ll have a look at the honey bun, sound good?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Antwan agreed, because at least he knew Red got shit done. He called back over his shoulder. “Good luck.”

“good luck,” Red muttered under his breath and shook his head. In his experience, you made your own fucking luck.

Stretch was sitting on the concrete stairs and he probably looked damn fine in his tuxedo, but it was hard to tell with the way he was hunched over with his skull between his knees. Blue was standing in front of him, both hands on his brother’s shoulders, murmuring to him softly.

“Just breathe, brother, you’re fine,” he crooned. “Everything will be fine, keep breathing slow and easy.”

Slow and easy didn’t seem to be on the agenda because Stretch took a hitching breath and gasped out, “i can’t do this.”

“Of course you can,” Blue said with some asperity, although he stroked his brother’s skull gently.  “You love him.”

That didn’t seem to be the right thing to say. Stretch jerked away from him and glared at his brother. “it’s not about me! of course i fucking love him! so if i love him how can i do this to him?” He let out a slow, shuddery breath and almost staggered to his feet, pacing in a tight circle. “don’t you get it? i’ve been waiting for three years for him to wake up and realize i’m not worth it.”

And there it was, kids, today’s special issue. He knew Edge had bullied Stretch into going to the head shrinker like Sans had, not a bad idea if you knew those two assholes, but seriously, was this the bullshit that had him wigging out the last few weeks?

Stretch wasn’t done with his particular brand of word vomit, still pacing and gesturing wildly. “so now he’s going to stick himself with me forever and i’m supposed to let him? you think i’m dedicated to a promise? how seriously do you think he’s going to take till death do us part?” Stretch slumped down to the stairs again, his head in his hands, and confessed softly, “it was okay before, he could still leave, but this?”

“Brother,” Blue sighed then looked up and caught sight of Red. “Red? you’re supposed to be with your brother.”

“yeah, i was but i could smell the insecurity from inside,” Red shook his head. There wasn’t enough weed in the world to deal with this, so he was going to have to try it cold. He crouched down next to Stretch, careful of his suit pants so he didn’t get Edge bitching at him for wrecking the pictures. “hey, listen up, honey bun. it don’t matter what you think of yourself, what matters is what my brother thinks and he thinks you’re the world. it would probably just about kill him if you pussy out now and you’d hate yourself besides.”

Stretch lifted his head enough to look at him, which was at least a start. Red shifted back on his heels and stood, gesturing down at his clothes. “and let me tell you something, i didn’t put on this getup for you to back out. so, you are gonna get up and get your ass inside where all the flowers and shit are, and you are gonna say ‘i do’ in all the right places and make my bro happy, got me?”

“he deserves better,” Stretch whispered, hoarsely. His sockets were swimming with tears.

“maybe,” Red said ruthlessly, ignoring Blue’s sound of outrage. It would take too long to explain that it wasn’t about who deserved what, it was about what was needed. And what Edge needed was running close to 6’5”, lanky and loud and stinking of cigarettes. He didn’t have the time to make Stretch believe that. It was okay, though, Red was used to taking shortcuts. “but he wants you. and believe you me, i am all about making sure he gets what he wants, you get me?”

The tears were starting to flow and Red sighed, pulling out a handkerchief and roughly wiped them away before they could stain his shirt.

“it’s gonna be fine, bro,” he said softly and Stretch took a slow, shuddery breath and nodded.

“okay.”

As motivational speeches went, the boss would have his ass if he ever heard about it, but fuck it, Stretch would probably keep it zippered and if Blue had an issue, he had his own subtle ways of getting revenge. Red had some respect for that.

Besides, what worked, worked. Stretch was on his feet and walking in, with Blue and Red at his heels. Made it all the way inside and only then did he hesitate, stiffening. The altar was empty except for Sans, who was chatting amicably with the crowd. Red caught Stretch before he could take more than a step back, propelling him forward. “calm your tits, honey bun,” he murmured, “he’s coming.”

By then it was too late; Sans caught sight of Stretch and made a ‘come hither’ gesture with his finger, pointing to a spot in front of him.

At that moment, the door opened on the opposite side and Edge walked in. Red had to admit, his bro cleaned up pretty well and from the stunned expression on Stretch’s face, he was thinking something close to the same thing.

His suit was similar to Stretch’s, same colors and all, but where Stretch’s was simple and straightforward, Edge was wearing a cape, because of course he was, fucking drama queen, the silk lining of it matching his vest and hey, if you were one of the rare people out there who could wear a cape, you should always wear one. His bro could lay claim to the cape-bearing title. No tie, his collar was high like a priest, and across his collarbone was a chain holding the cape in place.

Edge was carrying a single white rose and Red had no idea if Stretch was supposed to have one or not. If so, Edge didn’t seem to care. He didn’t need Sans’s direction, he stepped right up to the front, cape swirling as if he’d spent a year practicing it like the world’s most pretentious Batman, only on Edge it looked natural, like he’d been born with it. There were worse talents, Red supposed.

They probably weren’t supposed to talk and his brother, who’d planned this to death, who probably had fucking excel worksheets and shit, who liked arranging things, who liked order, looked right at Stretch and whispered, “You’re beautiful.”

Orange touched his cheekbones and a quiet murmur of appreciation came from the peanut gallery, along with a few sniffles. Yeah, okay, Red was gonna go stand by his brother now because he’d already given his handkerchief to Stretch. This was gonna get ugly and he wanted a front row seat.

There was a pulpit but if Sans stood behind it, no one was going to see him. Instead, he pulled out a step stool, which had been painted white and liberally decorated with flowers like every other damn thing.

Anyone who didn’t think his bro had a sense of humor wasn’t paying attention.

Sans climbed up it amicably enough, and it put him as high as their shoulders. “well, hey, two grooms” Sans said easily. “good of you two to join us.” A titter of laughter went through the crowd. “now, edge gave me a speech for all this and it’s pretty nice, folks, you’re gonna love it. but before all that, i’d like to say something.” 

“i think almost everyone knows how you all ended up here and i don’t mind saying it was rough going at first. this wasn’t where any of us expected to be,” Sans said, with rare sincerity, his hands clasped loosely in front of him. “i’ve been watching both of you since you got here. it’s kinda what i do. watched you both grow, watched you change. i got to watch you heal, here on the surface with your friends.”

He waved a hand out at the gathered crowd. Monsters, yeah, Undyne and Alphys were sitting with Papyrus, who’d been playing the part of usher while everyone else worked through the issues. Asgore was in the back, alongside Frisk and Toriel, Monsters from the embassy, all their friends and neighbors. There were Humans too, Antwan had slipped into his seat after Edge came out, next to Andy, and with them was a woman Red didn’t know. What he did know was that Edge had fought to get her emergency clearance for the wedding, and that meant Red had spent half a day investigating her.

Why the fuck it was so important that a lady who owned a coffee shop be here, he didn’t know, but his brother had wanted her there, and there she was, wiping her eyes already with a Kleenex. Good mascara.

“they got to watch, too,” Sans went on. “and i watched you find each other, make a bond together, and we are all here today to watch you make that bond a little more permanent. not that I think either of you needed words for that.”

Sans smiled a little, rocking on his feet, and his stepladder creaked. “anyway, what i wanted to tell you two is, while you’re bonding your families together in marriage, i’d be happy to call both of you my brothers, too. we make our own families and you two are part of mine.”

“And mine,” Papyrus chimed in from the chairs, his smile brighter than the flowers sitting next to him.

“That means you’d have to accept my brother, too,” Edge murmured.

Another titter went through the crowd and Stretch grinned outright. Red only shrugged. Yeah, take your laughs, comedians. He’d allow it, today only.

 Sans slanted him a look and an unsubtle wink. Pervert. 

“yeah, well, for better or for worse ain’t just for marriages. so!” He clapped his hands together. “now that we got the opening act out of the way, let’s get this show on the road.” With a flourish, he pulled out a stack of notecards and then promptly tossed them over his shoulder to land behind the pulpit. “don’t worry, i got this. dearly beloved…”

~~*~~ 

Outside the town hall, someone had set up a discreet little smoking area. Not too far off the beaten path, probably since everyone knew that one of the grooms was the most likely to be using it. Stretch pulled a pack of cigarettes out of the inside pocket of his jacket, flicked his lighter, and inhaled pale smoke, relaxing as the nicotine incorporated itself into his magic.

He looked at his hand, a cigarette held between his first two fingers and the weight of the ring on his third finger unfamiliar and heavy. True to his word, he hadn’t seen it until Edge had slipped it on his finger, nor the one he’d been handed to put on Edge’s. It was a fairly plain band, lacking gemstones but there was an intricate design on the platinum surface. Not too surprising; Edge liked the pretties but Stretch was a plain sort of guy, so it looked like he’d compromised. There was some sort of plastic sleeve on the underside, too, holding it in place. Made sense, didn't want it rattling against his bones all the time. He couldn't wear it in the lab, anyway, not around moving parts or chemicals, it was a good way to lose a finger.

With this ring, I thee wed

A door opened behind him, shaking him from the memory, but when Stretch turned to look, it was Red. He stepped up to the ashtray and pulled out one of those nasty little cigars he favored, lighting it with a match and inhaling much the same way Stretch had a minute earlier.

Stretch crushed the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray and lit another, before he said softly, “red?”

“yeah?” Red exhaled a cloud of smoke with the word.

“thanks.”

“no problem, bro.” The door opened again, and this time Edge came out. From the swirl of his cape to the shine on the tips of his shoes, he was gorgeous. And from now on Stretch got to say, ‘my husband, Edge’. From now until forever, whenever that was.

“he’s all yours, honey bun,” red muttered and walked away, still puffing, heedless of no smoking signs.

Edge smiled at him. His own ring caught the light with a mellow gleam. “Are you ready to head to the reception?”

“in a minute.” Stretch tamped out his cigarette only half-smoked and dropped it into the ashtray. Soon they’d be surrounded by people again and likely would the rest of the night, and he had a few things to say first. “i’m sorry i’ve been kinda an asshole the past few weeks.”

“You weren’t…” Edge began. Stretch held up a hand and he subsided, his brow bone furrowed in confusion.

“let me talk for a minute, babe,” Stretch said softly.

“All right.”

His confusion only grew more obvious when Stretch took his hand gently in his own, a mimicry of the ceremony they’d just gone through. He stroked Edge’s ring with his thumb, cool metal on bone.

“you deserve better than this, than me,” Stretch said bluntly. “but as it turns out, i'm too selfish to let you go.”

"Rus--"

 "hush," he said sternly. Tuxedos sort of demanded standing up straight and that meant he was actually looking down at Edge. Looking into his eye lights, deep crimson gazing back up at him. Edge probably thought he knew what Stretch saw when he looked into him, what he saw, probably had no idea of the purity of soul that lay beneath his exterior.

Stretch knew. He knew Edge so very well. 

"so you know something?” Stretch leaned in to whisper, like it was a secret, “i think i'm just going to try to love you the very best that i can for the rest of our lives.”

Edge smiled, a little, the softness in it hinting at deeper secrets, but Stretch already knew them. He knew them all. "I'd like that."

Stretch nodded. That felt better than any other vows he'd said today. "okay. so how about we party?" 

“Oh, before we go in, I do have one more thing for you.” Edge reached into his pocket and pulled out a small jeweler’s box, dropping it into Stretch’s hands. Curiously, he opened it. It was a ring made out of soft, flexible silicon, colored as bright as any rainbow and with a heart imprinted in it.

“I know you can’t wear metal in the lab, so I thought—" 

Stretch was kissing him before he could finish, breathing words into him, “i love you. i love you so, so much.”

Gentle hands cupped his face and Edge kissed him back, catching his words and repeating them back to him. Stretch could smell flowers and cigarettes and Edge, everything mixed together alongside words of love, and he’d never been happier in his life.

“till death do us part, right?” Stretch murmured.

“Not for a long, long time,” Edge assured him.

“yeah, i liked the dearly beloved part better,” Stretch pressed a last kiss to his mouth, his cheek bone, his forehead, “but i didn’t need a ring to know that. okay, time to dance.”

Edge sighed and took Stretch’s hand. “I didn’t forget. Let’s go.”

He could feel Edge’s ring against his own fingers, warmed from his body temperature, and Stretch let his husband lead him inside where their friends and family were waiting.

His husband. Yeah.

He could get used to that.

   -finis-

[soprana-snap]

Magnolia Seven-Seven

Chapter Three: Too Much of a Bad Thing

Summary: Magnolia is like every other city, full of traffic jams and hoards of people. When Captain Gajeel and Detectives Gray and Natsu get involved with a shady crime boss that seems to have the whole crime ring in his back pocket, they need a little more backup to bring him down: i.e ADA Lucy Heartfilia, Evidence Technician Levy McGarden, and Caffeinator Juvia Lockster.

Rating: M for adult situations and language

A/N: Hey guys. It’s been a while, huh? I’ve been busy planning my wedding and taking care of some elderly family members. I didn’t have much time to write...or the will to. 

Recently, my brother had an accident and he didn’t make it. I’ve been kinda lost for a bit, hence me going through some old drafts and trying to pick up writing again. Here’s to trying.

Be warned, there is some heavy adult themes in this chapter: Drug use, sexual implications, classic CSI. We can’t have all sunshine and rainbows in this M-77 ride!

Previous Chapters: One Two

“Have you ever, you know, tried to be anything more than an over-sized child?”

Gray leaned back slightly in the booth, swallowing down his pizza with a few chugs of soda. Cheese strings hung from his lips, swinging like willow branches in the wind.

“Uh, no?” he said, slurping them up and wiping his mouth on his sleeve. He didn’t mind the stains, making a mental note to dump half a bottle of stain remover into the laundry. “Since when did this make you feel childish?”

The man sighed, glancing over to the giant mouse currently dancing with a toothy five year old wearing a party hat. Or, more like some guy in a mouse costume, the mascot of the place.

“Chuckie Cheese. Really Gray? How much longer are we going to pretend like we are the same old kids?”

Gray scowled, laying the pizza on the pastel plate and leaned in close, brow twitching. “Oh? Is that so? Then why are you holding on to all those tickets, Lyon? Give’em to me.”

Lyon paled, scrambling to grab the pile of pink tickets from Gray’s seeking hands, nearly leaping from the booth. “Wait-let’s not get hasty! I earned these.”

“Come on, give the over-sized child what he wants.” Gray teased lightly, making a show of reaching further and laughing when Lyon slapped his hands away.

“Only you are the over-sized child here. Ultear would back me up on this!” Lyon laughed, rolling the tickets around his wrist. He could never be too careful with Gray. He was nosy as hell and loved to ‘borrow’ stuff. If he got his grubby hands on these tickets, Lyon could kiss his Captain Planet power ring set goodbye. “Too bad she didn’t come, huh?”

Gray rolled his eyes, grabbing another slice of pizza instead and digging in. “Yeah, something about a meeting in the capital. Jeez, she could have just said she didn’t want to come.”

“Yeah, well being a senator makes her too busy for her brothers nowadays. You know she would have kicked your ass in skee ball.” Lyon said, taking another slice for himself.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Gray sighed. “She’s always had a stick up her ass. I don’t know how her and Ur were related.”

Lyon blinked at the name, glancing up to stare at Gray for a second before returning his attention to the pepperonis. “But she’s always treated us like her brothers, even after Ur passed.”

Gray frowned, his mood turning somber. “On second thought, I can see the relation.”

Lyon licked his lips, glancing down to the chipped wooden table with the faded logo before speaking again. “Speaking of Ultear, I have some good news to share, although she will hear about it from my texts...I’ve almost got enough money to do it! Meredy and I counted our assets just the other day.”

Gray glanced up, broken from the somber mood in a heartbeat, his grin wide. “Finally going to be a big boy and get a real job?”

Lyon pouted, flicking pizza crust at Gray, unsurprised when the man caught it and ate it in less than five seconds. After all, it was Gray that said even adopted siblings shared the cooties. Plus, with the animals that were his roommates, Lyon was sure Gray got over whatever little germophobia he had. He had once watched Natsu ingest a hole can of expired green beans, crowing about going to Valhalla as he did so. His younger adopted brother learned by examples, after all.

“Lay off. Uber eats is a fine job! I make enough to get by and save. Meredy also makes good tips at Moe’s.” Times had been rough before, but the future was bright in Lyon’s eyes. They finally got it turned around without the constant offer of help from Ultear and Gray. Old debts were getting paid. He could make it by on his own.

“You don’t even have a car. You deliver by bike.” Gray deadpanned.

“For now! I almost have enough to buy that old building off on Waters Street. Then, the era of Vastia’s Realty will dawn! Vastia will sell your house fast-ia!” The moment it slogan rolled off his tongue, Gray’s cheeks inflated, his poor attempt to stifle his laughter failing. Lyon sighed.

“D-Did’ja...pfft, think of that by yourself?” Gray wheezed, slow clapping. “It really...shows your passion.” He broke into a fit of laughter.

“It’s still in the works.” Lyon dismissed coolly, mildly put off by his brother’s lack of enthusiasm.

“Oi, I think you’ll be great...just, leave the marketing to Meredy. That slogan was pretty rough.” Gray rolled his shoulders, adopting a contemplating expression before speaking, “Come to Vastia Realty and meet the most interesting realtor in the world! How about that?”

To be honest, Lyon did kind of like it. But, Gray actually being helpful was fishy in itself. “And how would I back that up?”

Gray’s smile turned wolfish. Ah, here it comes. “We can hang baby pictures of you up in the lobby and tell stories like how you wet the bed until you were-”

“Okay, let’s not.” Lyon interrupted a little louder than he wanted. Some mother shot them a withering glare before turning her attention back to her tot trying to count tickets. “I like the ‘most interesting realtor’ pitch, but let’s leave out the rest.”

Gray shrugged, helping himself to the pitcher of soda. “Suit yourself. I thought it had flare.” He waggled his free hand in a poor rendition of ‘the ol’ razzle dazzle’.

Lyon flashed a pointed tongue at him. “You would. You’ve always had bad taste...and a stripping habit!” he added as Gray fidgeted with his shirt, lifting it up past his pectorals. Lyon swore he could hear the indignant whispers of mothers all around. “Stripping is bad enough. Stripping in front of kids is worse.”

To his credit, Gray paled and shoved his shirt back down. “Still haven't kicked that habit. Remember when we tried out for the swim team and asked Ur to train us?”

Lyon blinked, a wistful smile crossing his face. How could he ever forget anything that had to do with Ur? “I do. I remember her telling us about when she was an olympic swimmer and how she would train. And like fools, we asked her to push us and push us hard.”

Gray let his face fall into his palms. “Oh, that was the worst decision we ever made. Remember when we had to ‘think speed’? Strip down to our shorts as fast as we could, then sprint at and dive into the water? She made us run that drill until I strip out of habit!”

His brother laughed softly, eyes gleaming with fond memories as well. Something about Gray eating it one day with his pants half off. That was hilarious. “Yeah, but it got us on the swim team. Ur was so proud.”

“The little league swim team. I don’t know why she had our team pictures on the fridge.” Gray chuckled, pushing his empty plate away, shifting on the uncomfortable booth seat.

“She was proud because we set out and did it. For the first time, her two lost boys found a way with pure grit.” Lyon said, staring into his glass of ice water. “We weren’t lost anymore.”

The silence that stretched after that lingered long after the pizza had grown cold. Lyon could see the grease of the cheese start to coagulate, the pepperoni curling up as it dried.

“So-” Lyon finally said, his voice a croak “-what is Gray Fullbuster up to these days? I yakked about my plans. What are yours?”

Gray blinked, at odds with the fact that for once with Lyon, he didn’t have the heart to brag about his life. Not after remembering all that was in their childhood. Ur wouldn’t want them putting each other down.

“Well...the guys and I have this new case. Natsu is raring to go as usual, but he put both of us into a produce cart when we were in a chase. I told you about Lucy, right?”

Lyon nodded with a small smile. “Still not giving him the time of day?”

Gray grinned. “You got it, but I see her easing up. I think that asshole enjoys giving chase to her.”

Both men sighed, Lyon rolling his eyes. “That guy is something else.”

“Yeah, well, he’s takin’ to quoting Shakespeare at her...incorrectly. So that’s a thing. Gajeel, well, still has a steel rod up his ass but he keeps us in line.” Gray sighed, looking at his watch, mildly uncomfortable sharing anymore details. “At this rate we are gonna be here for dinner.”

Lyon started, glancing at his own phone in surprise. “Whoa, I’m late. I got an extra gig and I still have to run home and change.”

“Run, Lyon, run.” Gray teased.

“Shaddup Gray.” Lyon snapped as he stood, flopping a measly two dollars onto the table.He paused, looking grim as he dug deeper into his ratty wallet, pursing his lips as his search continued to be fruitless.

“Oi, I got it.” Gray said finally, “Get going. Next time, I treat you to this really great coffee shop.”

Flashing a grateful smile, Lyon slid his wallet into his pockets quickly, bumping fists with his brother before whipping around and hustling away. Watching him go, Gray rolled his eyes, fishing out his own wallet, not in the least peeved.

After all, he had plenty of time to pester Lyon to pay him back.

.

.

.

Some people didn’t just have days off. No rest for the wicked. That sort of thing. As Gajeel leaned closer to the stack of paperwork he had on his desk, it didn’t make the sort of difference he wanted. The stack was still tall, and half of it wasn’t his own.

Damn that Detective Fullbuster for putting in a day off right under his nose when he fell behind on paperwork. He had better things to do that pick up the slack!

At least Natsu did his paperwork on time...with doodles for ‘extra credit’ as he called them. Some of them were little stick people getting eaten by dragons, others were of miscellaneous things like cheeseburgers or the scribbles of ‘Mr. Natsu Heartfilia’.

God, he was pathetic.

Gajeel let his forehead smack the desktop, once, twice, a third time for extra assurance before he took up his pen again, signing away. Register evidence to the locker? Check. Release personal items to families? Check. Release news to press? Fuck that, the vultures can find it on their own!

The stack loomed over him, reminding him of the drill sergeant he had in the academy. It’s been years before anyone actually tore him down to the bare frame, his mind honed in a carefully forged body of muscle. Sure, he was a little rebellious back then and needed a lot of work, but he had people to put him back on the right path.

So did Fullbuster and Dragneel.

Gajeel sneered at the memories of the three of them, three boys desperate to be changed men. They didn’t realize it at the time, but they all were after the same thing: belonging. As much as it ground his gears in the beginning, they were a pretty good set besides the tiffs every now and then.

They were still fucking morons...but they could be morons together. Absently, he touched his left eye, where Dragneel had given him a black eye once, then is right cheek, where Gray had once slugged him. If anything, Gajeel imagined them to be like brothers, not that he had any desire for some. They kinda just...fell into his lap one day, literally. They had a fight in the mess hall and fell into his lap, knocking his grilled cheese into orbit.

Assholes.

But that’s how they became friends, and he used the term loosely. They paired up for sparring, got stuck in the same bunk area, had the same obstacle courses, and eventually volunteered each other for pepper spray and taser tests. He could still remember Natsu’s cackle when he got to taze Gray, and Gray’s chortles when he got to pepper spray Natsu. He, however, got to taze and spray them both.

Somehow, the fuckers ended up studying with him, comparing notes and giving backhanded advice to each other. They became some funky trio, like the Three Stooges. The two stuck like glue to him. Gajeel could see why.

Natsu, with his fucked up past and his desperate push after his adopted dad’s death, felt alone and clung to the one thing that kept his feet grounded on the right path: the police academy. He was volatile, shouting at instructors and usually running extra laps, but it was all a face to hide the pain. Gajeel had heard of the gang Tartaros before, back when he was young and in the gang life too. He knew of the Black Wizard, the leader, and of his little monster brother, END. It wasn’t until later in the academy that Gray and he learned the truth. That Natsu was one and the same: END. Gray’s snooping habit bit them in the ass, intercepting a letter from a penitentiary. What a mistake. They let Natsu wallop them that time.

But it cleared the air and Natsu slowly came down to the land of actual people.

Gray, well, had an equally screwed up past. The death of his parents by the drug lord, Deloria hit him hard. The foster system dropped him like a hot potato after he started getting picked up in juvie. It was pure luck that a foster mother suitable for assholes like Gray picked him up, adopting him not long after. Gray had a more stable life than he or Natsu, but it shattered just as fast when his mom died, leaving the older sister to care for them. From what he knew, Gray’s brother started getting into trouble where as Gray pulled himself up by his bootstraps.

As for himself, well, he was naturally a troublemaker. Which of course drew those dweebs to him like flies to food.

Then they graduated, moved into a rented house together, and lived happily fucking after. That was nearly five years ago. Which is how long it’ll take him to finish this paperwork!

With a snarl, Gajeel shoved a stack aside, just barely stopping himself from pushing just a little more so it all toppled into the garbage. Gray would be in so much shit, but then his leadership would look bad too. With all the faith this department put into his sorry ass, that was unacceptable.

He signed away paper after paper, not bothering to check the clock. The stack began to shrivel, still a formidable size for Gray to deal with tomorrow.

Was he allergic to paperwork or something? Why was it so hard? All he had to to was not read and just sign. Then, he got to get yelled at for not reading. It wasn’t rocket science.

He supposed that he got stuck with them as punishment, for what, he didn’t know. It was shitty, shitty karma.

He glanced up for a moment, freezing as he stared out of the glass of his office and into the halls. Or rather, in the conference room beyond the hall.

It was a quiet room, one designated for detective use only. Cork boards and whiteboards decorated the walls, all meant for cases. There were a few desks too, but the main table was an oval, situated where one would see the biggest whiteboard.

Inside, fingers tangled in his hair, nails scratching away in frustration, stood Natsu. He faced down the largest cork board, photos and sticky notes plastered all over. Even from a distance, Gajeel could see the red yarn that Natsu favored, tied around thumb tacks and drawing lines. It was old fashioned but effective; Natsu being a hands on-learner requiring more of the old fashioned.

By the looks of it, he wasn’t making headway on whatever case he was looking at. Be it the increased car thefts or the increased amounts of misdemeanor crimes. It was looking like he had no headway in either.

Though, the same could be said for Gray as well. No leads on the increased drug trade or the sudden flux of counterfeit money in the city now. But he didn’t see Gray on the edge of a mental breakdown.

Or...kicking a chair over.

The clatter was lost over the distance and walls between, but Gajeel saw Natsu cringe at the sound, calming immediately. That guy...mind like a steel trap but still with a temper.

He watched Natsu move, gently setting the chair upright once more before returning to the board looking more pensive.

Gajeel didn’t get to squint and take a peek at what Natsu was dealing with, because a figure crossed his sights, passing between the rooms through the hall. Orange sweater with a yellow headband, blue hair. His heart sputtered, his mind cleared of any questions about Natsu’s cases. Levy slowed, turning her head to look at him, eyes locking on.

Time slowed for a moment before she sent that smile. Fuck, now he was blushing and squirming in his seat. He had time, right? Paperwork could wait. Those manly butterflies were back, strumming electric guitars and singing ‘shooby doo’.

They dropped like lead, however, when Levy blinked, glanced to his door, and flushed the brightest shade of red. He heard the knock echo in his head as Levy looked to the floor and scurried away, taking his music with her.

There went that.

“Come in.” he grumbled, pretending to be working and schooling his face back into a scowl. Who dared come through his door?

“Redfox.” Oh fuck.

“Scarlet.” he greeted, praying his brow didn’t have sweat. She was oblivious to most things but the scent of fear. She was viciously scary without trying, the air around her heavy with threat.

She smiled and he relaxed. No, she didn’t know.

“Enjoying your day?” she mused, eyeing his completed stack with approval in her face. “You’ve certainly been busy.”

He would have been busy with something else if she hadn’t darkened his doorway. Someone else.

“Eh, yer definition of enjoying varies from mine.”

The smile stayed. So she was amused? Wha-

“So you forgot about your court appearance, I suppose?”

His stomach bottomed out, eyes tearing to the clock. He wasn’t- aw shit he was late. Standing up, his chair rolled back as he scrambled around the desk, accidentally getting his foot stuck in the wastebasket. A curse on his lips, he kicked it away, stumbling his way over to the door. Erza stepped aside with that stupid smirk. If only he could wipe it away.

Ah.

“Finish up my paperwork for me, thanks Scarlet.” he said, flashing a sneer of his own. If anything made her frown, it was paperwork.

The smirk widened, like a hyena with a plot. “Me? Why Detective Dragneel happens to be right across the hall. I’m sure he has the time. I’ll do you a favor and pass it along.” With a toss of her hair, she nodded to the door. “Well? Get moving!”

A shiver crawled down Gajeel’s spine. Well, he tried! Without even glancing at Natsu and sending a mental apology, Gajeel hustled away, knowing he’ll be forgiven by Natsu after a punch or two...but never by Lucy if he left her hanging, not until he bought her a new law book.

.

.

.

“Ms. Heartfilia, could you please get off your plane of existence and explain your point frankly?”

Gods, she was so tired, her eyes burned like she opened them in the ocean. It wasn’t her fault that they couldn’t follow the leads she was laying down. She spent days getting this evidence, days arguing it in court, and at this point it will be longer. She literally just proved this guy guilty while speaking plainly. 

Oh well, she forgot that some people never went to law school. She looked at the jury, embarrassment flooding her at the blank looks that greeted her. Oh, maybe she did overdo it.

Judge Fernandes seemed to have followed her but he was just as on par with her trail as she was.

“Of course, your Honor.” she allowed, closing her eyes and taking a breath in. Okay, simplify.

“The evidence against Mr. Prominence is overwhelming. He has DNA evidence linking him to no less than ten missing women this year alone. Of the most recent: Millianna Gato, Susan Farlow, and Michelle Starbrooke. All three of high school age and interested in a summer internship. An internship sponsored by Mr. Prominence, himself.”

Lucy breathed in, and instantly regretted it.

“Objection!” Bora’s defense growled, spittle flinging from his lips.

“On what grounds?” Judge Fernandes asked.

“I object on the grounds that Ms. Heartfilia is trying to sway the jury through plain statements that hold no full proof that my client is in fact guilty of these girl’s disappearances.” He was still slinging spit, like a leaking faucet.

Lucy scowled. Of course she was trying to sway the jury. It was her job. What kind of crackpot lawyer did this guy hire?

Judge Fernandes seemed to have the same idea. “Overruled. There have been no full statements from Ms. Heartfilia that directly accuse Mr. Prominence. Ms. Heartfilia, proceed.”

“Thank you, your Honor.” Lucy said graciously. “As I was saying, this internship, if you recall, took young and ambitious girls that dreamed of becoming models and promised a study abroad trip that the internship funded should the girl not be able to provide.”

She stepped closer to the jury, moving her hand in sweeping gestures as she continued, “Prosecution has presented bank statements linking Mr. Prominence to the girl’s tickets purchases, evidence that the girls met with him before their disappearances, and evidence that these girls have been sold as slaves to Bosco with handwritten receipts.” Honestly, he wanted to get caught. He never wiped the hard drives before police seized them. He filed printed bank statements in a cabinet. He was the most self-incriminating criminal she had ever seen in court.

“If the jury desires, I can present even more evidence-” she began, freezing when the Judge coughed.

“Ms. Heartfilia, we are out of time. I will adjourn until a later date. I will take a parting statement.”

Crap. She took too long.

“Of course, your Honor. I only leave the reminder that should the jury wish, I will present more evidence to support a sentence.”

She thought she heard a groan from some of the jury. They should fear. She won’t take ‘not guilty’ for an answer. Those girls deserved as much.

“Indeed,” Judge Fernandes conceded, “something the jury will deliberate next session. This court will adjourn until next Wednesday at eight AM.” His gavel hit the desk and instantly Lucy relaxed her muscles.

“Officer Redfox, now that you have joined us, please escort Mr. Bora Prominence to the detention officers.”

Lucy tensed all over again, whirling around and watching Gajeel sheepishly move from the aisle to enter the floor, fishing out his cuffs. So he did show up! She hadn’t seen him at all during the defense nor when she took the floor. Meaning, he was late when he promised not to be. Judging by the way he avoided her pinpoint gaze, she figured he knew she noticed.

Sounds of the jury standing and shuffling to the back room echoed through the courtroom; the polished wood that accented every inch of the room made it reverberate like they stood inside a drum.

It was the music of dismissal, the melody of justice that she had become accustomed to since her internships. 

A sigh on her breath, Lucy wandered back to her table, trying to gather her chaos back into her briefcase. Today was yet another day of frustration potent enough for her to get messy with paperwork. This trial has been going on forever and truth be told, she was even tired of it. The jury was wilting, looking bored each and every day now. No matter how much evidence she dug up, the defense barely managed to counter.

This trial was a joke. What a waste of her precious time.

By the time she latched her case and slung it over her shoulder, Gajeel had returned, holding open the gate that separated observers from the court.

“You were late.” she said, stepping through and pausing for him to follow.

His gaze averted for a second before he met her eyes. “Yeh, I figured ya noticed.” He flashed her a grin, ruffling her hair and snorting when she squealed, “My hair!”

“Sorry bunny girl, I had to cover Fullbuster’s paperwork and Dragneel was busy with his cases. Time ran away, I guess.” It was true...enough he supposed.

Lucy smiled, walking alongside  him through the halls. “Well, that’s acceptable. Nobody got rowdy this time.” She brushed strands of hair from her face, eyes drifting to the old tile floor as her heels clacked on it. “And, I’m not surprised to hear that Gray skimped out of work...or how hard Natsu is working.” She laughed lightly then, “They are something else, huh?”

Gajeel rolled his eyes, grumbling, “Oh yeah, something else, alright. Both are moronic monkeys on my back.” Bringing up his hand, he scratched at his chin, scowling at a point along the farthest walls. “Gray’s hidin’ something. He’s always texting someone, not saying who it is. He’s starting to be absent from dinner and sometimes not coming home at night.”

Lucy blinked, staring up at Gajeel before a sly look crossed her face. “Oh~.” she hummed, a glint in her eyes. “Getting worried, are you? Gajeel, I never expected you to be a mother hen!”

She was teasing, but it grated his nerves enough to flash her a glower. “Careful what you say, bunny girl. I won’t stand for that kinda talk.”

Lucy stuck her tongue out at him. But instead of rising up, Gajeel grinned cheekily and went for a lower blow. “Oh yeah, Dragneel told me to tell ya, ‘What is a drunken man like? Me when I see you.’”

Her face warmed, but she laughed lightly, shaking her head. “He never gets the quotes right.” she sighed, reaching into her purse and pulling out a small composition notebook and her pen. Natsu never got the quotes right, but she would remember every single one.

“I don’t think he realizes I double majored in Law and English literature.” she sighed.

Gajeel shrugged, his lips bordering a sneer now. “If he ever figures out you write down every single one of his botched quotes-”

Lucy smacked his pierced cheeks with her pen, a playful scowl that did not hide her raging blush on her cheeks. “You are sworn to secrecy, crepe chef.”

Gajeel clamped his mouth shut, starting to pout. Ah, checkmate.

“I swear you, Erza and Levy can be wicked. All these women managing to keep me in check. I can’t even make fun of the idiots now.”

.

.

.

He was so full of pizza he felt like he had to roll home. Every time Gray invited him to lunch, he always pigged out. Meredy actually teased him about gaining a few.

Stepping over a pothole in the sidewalk, Lyon walked on with what could only be described as the swagger of a full and confident man. Of all the things he was proud of, deceiving his brother once again was one of them.

He hated it, sure, but lying seemed preferable to actually having Gray disappointed and insisting on helping he and Meredy out financially. He wasn’t a damn child, no matter how he and Gray teased each other.

The realtor business wasn’t even close. Their funds weren’t even in the ballpark. They lived off of ramen and spaghettios. He stole WiFi from his neighbors.Their water was shut off twice this month alone.

Ur would be ashamed and Lyon knew he couldn’t handle the shame in Gray’s eyes too. Ultear was never around much, so his secret stayed safe from her, at least.

Ur’s two perfect children and the one not-so-perfect one.

He and Meredy needed a call soon or they’d fall short on rent again. After just barely squaring it away from being four months in delinquency, the landlord promised to be far less understanding in the future.

He’d do anything to keep her off the streets, cold and hungry.

As if by a miracle, his phone buzzed in his pocket, the ringer long since malfunctioned to forever stay silent. Not like he could afford a better phone anyway.

“Yo.” he greeted coolly after flipping the phone open, effortlessly pulling off his classic ‘Badass™’ look.

The voice on the other side was like an angel, his one kryptonite.

“Hey Darlin’, I was just thinking about y-”

An angel that had some fantastic news, apparently, since she didn’t wait for him to flatter her properly.

“What? A job?” He tried not to sound too overeager. He failed when she gave him the payload.

“A-Are you serious!? Twenty grand just to do that?!”

She spoke again and he had to grasp the wall of the nearest building to prevent him from falling to the earth.

“Each?!”

He felt like Icarus, the boy that fashioned wings of feather and wax to take to the skies, to taste that freedom that had been eluding him for so long. As long as he stayed away from the sun and the tumultuous waves below, he could soar forever.

With Meredy sounding just as thrilled as he, it was hard not to smile. This was they big break. This was their moment.

“Count me in. Where do I need to be?”

.

.

.

Magnolia was a beautiful city, accented mostly by the canals and the gorgeous cathedral. While tourists stuck to the well lit, well patrolled parts, most locals knew where not to be at certain parts of the day. Like now, Main Street would be overflowing with traffic, so much so that cars would clog the intersections because the lights never changed fast or often enough.

It was the case now here in the development district. No local in their right mind would be on Abandoned Row, the street filled with the most abandoned warehouses. Most belonged to Heartfilia Railways, but after the latest stock hit, the company had to sell off a few assets...and abandon some too.

Locals avoided it, so naturally it was the perfect place to do the less than legal things.

He was a little late, so by the time he was speed walking up to the meet point, Meredy was already motioning to a large, unmarked truck to line up with the loading zone. She flashed him a smile, one that never failed to set his heart aflutter, before returning her focus back to the task at hand.

Lyon had just enough time to sidle up to her side, assuring that the warehouse doors were accessible as the truck screeched to a stop. If he had to guess, the left rear axle was needing some serious diagnostics, but that wasn’t his job to care.

Before his sweet Meredy could open her mouth to finally greet him, the door to the truck started unfurling, metal sheets clanking as they rolled up to the top.

Then, Lyon laid his eyes on something as pretty as a heap of stinking garbage.

“Lyon. Meredy.” The man greeted coolly as he kicked out the ramp, steadying it on the loading dock before making his way across the gap. “I see not much has changed around these parts, then.”

“Kageyama.” he said just as icily, pasting on what could only be a leather-like smile. Maybe the corner of his lips started cracking. “Still you, I see.”

Meredy shot him a look out of the extreme peripheral of her eyes, her lips pursed. Ah, right. Manners.

Kageyama threw his head back with a bark of a laugh, no humor behind it at all. “Just as well. I’m only in town to clean up Erigor’s mess and then I’ll be out of your hair.” He kicked at a chock with the point of his shoe, watching the pyramid bounce away and fall down through the gap of the loading dock. “Getting arrested and all. His shit still needs to be shipped.”

“A minor setback, of course.” Meredy spoke finally, tossing her hair and turning to the warehouse door. The lock had already been disposed of, the metal shears left abandoned in the corner. With a dainty kneel, she grasped the handle and lifted with her knees, raising the door up with all the upper body strength she had.

“Gotta like a woman that can bend and lift.” Kageyama mused, grinning wider when Lyon shot him a withering look. “Aw now, I ain’t stepping on your territory, man. Just admiring.”

“You treat her with respect, you-” Lyon began, baring his teeth just a little.

“Boys. I’d like to get home sometime today. Let’s go.” Meredy cut in, giving Lyon yet another meaningful look before turning to enter the dark warehouse, a chuckling Kageyama following behind her.

“Yes Ma’am.”

He waited until Kageyama was deep in the truck, adjusting boxes so that the goods wouldn’t get damaged in transit, before speaking to Meredy in low tones.

“You know I don’t like when you’re disrespected.”

She flashed him a gentle smile, one usually reserved for him in private moments. His breath hitched and her eyes got just a little bit brighter.

“I know, babe. But we gotta keep it together. The Boss needs to keep a firm hold on his business or Mard’s gonna sweep us all out.” Her hands, soft and small, brushed his cheeks as gentle as a summer wind. “Play nice and we’ll be living the high life soon.”

Play nice. Her warning was clear. “Yeah, I got it. It’s kinda nice not having to fight Mard’s shitheads anymore. I get to do business on both turfs now that they came to a truce.”

She hummed, gathering more boxes in her arms. “Right. So, let’s get this truck gone by nightfall, hm?”

He couldn’t find the will to argue with her when she gave him that look. So, he put his head down and pushed, wishing more than anything to watch that truck drive off into the dusk and leave him alone with the one girl that could ever understand him...and a wad full of cash for his best behavior.

.

.

.

He felt he looked quite the part of insane, gazing up and down at the walls of his cell. His fingers were dusted white, as well as his palms. Of course, it wasn’t the white powder he was used to dealing with but when the guard on duty offered something occupy his time other than just singing annoying songs, he couldn’t resist adding substance to his planned insanity plea. 

The song that never ended was not a popular choice of tunes for the cops, he supposed.

Half the chalk was gone now, being replaced by repetitive games of tic-tac-toe scribbled all over the walls. He was losing to himself, 130 to 0 if his count was correct.

It was so dull here in his little corner of hell. He had half an urge to lay on the floor and draw out his chalk outline just for giggles. Or maybe imagine it as that pesky Redfox’s outline. That would be something too.

From the open spaces beyond his cell, a throat cleared, and Erigor, ever bored and curious, turned to glance behind him.

White hair fell like waves of silk from her head, her smile ever so sweet as she stood before his prison. The classic police uniform she sported was the same as the guard’s had been, but she wore it like one of those cheesy camera girl bits, her cap tilted to the side and her buttons undone near her throat.

He grinned at her, eyeing her from head to toe, focusing on the tray of food she held out.

“Angel.”

Her grin widened, her eyes fluttering. “Erigor. Good to see you, as always.” She knelt down, sliding the tray through the opening under the gate. “I brought extra. Lord knows they don’t feed anyone enough in this joint.” she mused with a cute giggle.

Erigor didn’t wait, snatching the tray and dragging it to him as he sat cross legged on the floor. A burger and fries, how nice, he thought as he started to smother the bun in mustard and ketchup from the packets provided.

“Thanks doll. Maybe you are good for something other than being the Boss’s hot piece of the week.” he barbed, biting into the burger and watching her reaction as he chewed.

Angel just smiled serenely, letting the insult slide off her back like water off feathers.

“Always such a gentleman, Erigor. I’m charmed.” She followed it up with a bat of her wrist playfully, eyes falling to his food. “Anyway, try the fries. I got em from Fred’s, unsalted of course to make sure they were as fresh as possible. You got salt there to your right.”

Erigor grinned like a cat got the cream kind of way, snatching the salt and practically dumping the whole shaker over the fries. “Thanks. I haven’t eaten all damn day!”

For once, Angel cringed, still watching him from her kneeling position. “You know, too much salt can kill you one day. Maybe you should cut back your consumption a little?”

To reply, Erigor met her eyes and dumped even more salt on his fries before shoveling them into his mouth. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

He was halfway through his burger when something made him freeze mid-chew. His mouth felt dry, his cheeks hot and puffy. With wide, horrified eyes, he stared at Angel, who was smiling gently.

“What? Don’t like tomato?” she asked, watching his now pale face in interest.

Erigor didn’t reply, instead spitting out the chewed mess and scrambling for the bottle of water, chugging noisily. Then, he dropped it and curled on his hands and knees, dry heaving and sobbing. After moments of failure, he dug his fingers into his mouth, reaching for the back of his throat.

“I told you, didn’t I? Too much salt can kill you.” Angel said, still kneeling just outside the cell, watching his every move with calculation. “Although, that wasn’t just salt but really, all I know how to do is spread my legs, right?”

Erigor wheezed, panic aiding in his failure to retch. “Why…?” he managed, losing strength in his limbs alarmingly fast. The sight of her was blurring, his head spinning like he had too much liquor.

She laughed brightly, as if he told her a joke. “He is not too pleased with you, Erigor. Plus, you might squeal to the cops and he can’t risk that, can he?”

He started to convulse, gasping and grunting as his fingers scrambled for the tray. His eyes were rolling to the back of his head, making him more like a grotesque fish out of water than a man.

“Keyes is going to make this look like a natural death and you will be laid to rest like a dog in a backyard. How is that for your so called ‘greatness’?” Angel added, her smile twisting into the cruel gleam he knew was beneath it. So that was how she got her nickname.

He choked on his answer, drool and foam oozing from his dry lips as his body finally collapsed to the floor.

“Remember my name as you pass, Erigor. Angel of Death. I'd love to stay but I have more important things to do than watch you die, you know. Ciao.”

He can’t see, so he isn’t sure if she’s actually gone, but he reached out anyway, dragging his fingers through the smears of mustard and ketchup.

He can’t feel his body anymore, so he isn’t sure if he’s making it clear enough, but he tried anyway, dragging his fingers along the concrete floor.

His eyes rolled back, his last breath like a series of knives in his throat. He stared on, hoping his effort wasn’t wasted as his pulsing ears hear the calls of others echoing all around him.

“Help! Detention Ward!”

With his final moment ticking by, Erigor stared at his ketchup and mustard stained fingers, the colorful ‘AoD’ he scrawled just beyond his vision.

With that, Erigor died, surrounded by nobody on the cold floor of Magnolia’s second district county jail.

[brunhielda]

This made me laugh until I peed.

Yes, from a plot line stand pint it is brilliant and would be full of emotional drama, and astounding action and would just be STUNNING to behold…

But I think you individually sent the Rise Fam to the funniest clash of personalities you possibly could???

2012- Raph first loves then hates him, Mikey is immediate prankster bestie, unfortunately for Don who gets the brunt, but then encouraged to in unparalleled ways just evil scientist this shit up and Leonardo would hate then love him. By the end, the two Leos are just the weirdest best friends anyones ever seen and 2012 Leo has become so fricken devious, which does make Raph smile even if Rise Leo is so frickin ANNOYING-Choas. I am talking chaos. In all the best ways.

Bayverse- Mikey is litterally a little anime chibi to them. That would be enough comedy on its own, but then it becomes apparent that he is way more emotionally mature and by the end it is just Mama Migel leading around his big strong lads?

2003- ‘Tello: “Honor? What honor? Why have honor when you can have a self launching tactictile magical nuclear missal?!” 2003 turtles proceed to chase his evil scientist ass around trying to do damage control. His loudness of character and sheer strength of Will is like at 110% compared to them, and Idk that they would have any idea what to do about it. Raph suggests full on imprisonment until everything is over MULTIPLE times. Leo considers it seriously. Don says they need his mind. Mikey says it would make the other fam cry. In the end the most they can do is deflect him into things that are actually helpful. Mikey gets real good at it.

2k7 movie- is like the darkest movie version despite the mystic monsters. Is about broken family coming together. Rise Raph would come in, and they would be all “whoa, look at the size of this bruiser!” And then he proceeds to just… Mother. Just the image of this big beefy turtle as big and intimidating as any of the monsters they faught in that movie being the softest person they have ever met cracks me up. He bakes cakes. Sits around knitting while thinking. Insisting on team meetings and snack breaks and sleep. Will absolutely go “how would Dr. Feelings handle this conflict?” and steps in to mediate all potential fights. He only has to bodily hold them up and make them apologize once. He and Rise Mikey high five on how well they did to help thier counterparts as soon as they are reunited. “I used that thing you said about breathing for a Donny panic attack.” “And I totally used that line about leadership you keep saying on new Leo and Raph- I figured the words of another Leader and Raph would work better.”

IDW- April would look around, and realize how much more serious, and at the same time, in so many ways, how much YOUNGER these guys are. I mean, they mutate, then proceed to have every possible thing dumped on them in the span of 6 months. It is all training and fighting and surviving and no time for fun, and everything is still so achingly NEW all the time. She would observe this for like an afternoon and be like, “I’m sorry Splints, no disrespect, but we are TAKING a five minute break before this all breaks us, and I AINT having no argument,” and proceeds to insist on moments to teach them fun/dumb things. Splinter would be miffed at that at first, but recognizes how much they need her to get through what is happening so let’s it go on, and would be a little impressed by her force of personality. And then he sees the smiles she is bringing to his sons faces, and the laughs he hasn’t heard almost ever, and decides she is just as much of a bright light as thier April and treasures her dearly. I just have this image of the four turtles, cowed and in awe, sitting in a circle around Rise April and quietly waiting thier turn while she patiently paints thier nails and is yakking on about how pillow fights work. Bonus points if she teaches them pillow/water/laser gun fights (and any other unorthodox Lui Jitsu moves) and they end up using it to great success in the final battle.

Also, can we send Future Casey to 1990 movies? Give him some time to learn how to have fun without angst reminds of dead parental figures? I just think them teaching him how to properly slice up pizza and play video games and dance through the lair while Donnie’s computer calculates (it’s the 90s, it’s dial up, it’s going to talk some time), would be hilarious and wholesome, and great.

Dump Daxum in the 1980s. He comes back with souvenirs. Enough said.

Mama Cass + original comics. Just have the rest of the fam wonder “I wonder who got to deal with Cassandra?” Cut to the five dark shadows doing epic assassin shit for 30 sec. “I hope they are ok.” Her eyes gleaming as she gets five minutes of all she wanted out of her original foot clan. “I mean SHE’LL be fine, but I just hope she isn’t running over everyone.” Deep bow. “Hai Sensei.” She comes back rejuvenated, knowing so much more technique, being like “That was exactly what I needed. Tbh, they were a little intense for me to be there all the time, but what a CLAN!”

Meanwhile, back in Rise Universe, Splinter first loses his mind trying to find out what happened, but after Rise Donny makes contact, he calms down and proceeds to make a new B Team out of mostly the lesser villians to defend thier NY from the Krang. No body gets along, and it is hilarious. Moment when we finally see Warren and Hypno confess. Learning how to work as a team, and it’s beautiful in the dumbest ways.

This would just be a hilarious crossover arch for a show is all I am saying. A full episode or 2 for each group, maybe just flashes of Draxum and Cass in other eps. One ep to establish, one to reunite/regroup, one for finale. Would this be the best season of TMNT we have ever witnessed? Idk, you tell me.

Cool Ultimate TMNT Crossover Idea:

There’s this like, super powerful Ultimate Multiverse Kraang trying to take over the multiverse.

They start with the Rise Universe, thinking they’re going to be the easiest.

Due to some freak accident and mystic fighting however, the Rise TMNT are able to postpone their plans.

But in the process, each get sent to different universes.

Leo to the 2k12 universe.

Mikey to the Bayverse.

Donnie to the 2k3 universe.

Raph to the 2k7 movie universe

And April to the IDW comics

At this point, these Ultimate Kraang have decided to spread off to the other universes, and now it’s up to our Rise turtles, separated and with these new turtles, to find a way to defeat this Kraang and reunite.

I actually have no idea how this would go all I imagine is how each of the Rise! Gang would end up wounded in these separate universes and how each of those universes’ TMNT would find them and bring them back to their Lairs.

Then I thought of the ending, all these other TMNTs and the original Rise Gang ending up in the Rise universe to finish off these Kraang.

They realize they have their powers back. One of them let’s of some magic beam of some sort (maybe Donnie or Mikey) and then they all find each other and come into a bone-crushing hug.

Their reunion is cut short however by the Kraang, and cut to an epic showdown where the other TMNTs watch how powerful the ROTTMNT are with their mystic powers and then join in the battle.

[cdc1345711]

Sketch Dump

1.New Fourtastic Four-Ed-Zilla,Jar Jar Binks,Black Rabbit of Inle and Jerome

2.Other Fourtastic Four-Jumpy(in a skimpy outfit-don’t ask plz),Beef Jerky(and cool helmet),Orlando Bloo and Goop

3.Freaky Foundation Eddy,Double D,Beef Jerky and Artemis

4.Charles and his pet Ass-Blaster AB

5.Old Mighty Cartoon-Force-Artemis,Saitama,Snake Eyes,Gamon(Hell-Boy’s Brother),004 and Hank

6. Duck infused with an ancient symbiote

7.New Mighty Cartoon-Force-Buck Tuddrussel,Krackenstein,Beezy,Waffle,Coconut Fred,Yakkity Yak,Beef Jerky,Otto,Orlando Bloo,Cinnamon Bun,Kludd  featuring @aoiremart Zac Goldenwheat

[princess-of-the-corner]

 I heard about new mlp episodes and I have several questions. 

First off, did we really just get a bunch of new characters dumped in? We just ended the last series with dumping in several new characters. Not to mention they made the Movie Canon(but not EQG for some reason!), which also has a ton of new characters. Okay, I guess the celebrity voice cast isn’t a maintainable option, but they could do something. I know Hasbro has to get it’s toy sales, but come on guys. I think you have plenty you can work with, in both toys and characters to make stories for. 

Continuing on, is this new set going to be new main characters? You can’t just introduce a new, large group like this and have them tag along on every episode. Either it’ll go back to the original cast and everyone goes ‘uh, what about the new guys?’, or you focus on the new ones and let the old ones fade back into the secondary cast. Which, I mean, at that point why not do some kind of full reboot or even just a timeskip?

I also have several problems with the story in general. It’s been a problem for a while now, but this episode made it pretty blatant of “all the non-ponies don’t know about Friendship! None of them have friends, so they’re all jackasses!”. Which is, to be blatant, pretty fucking impossible. They don’t have friends? Not even just ‘oh, our inter-species relationships are bad’, but legit they don’t have friends even within their home country? 

How- How do they function as a society? You can’t love without some kind of friendship, you can’t have a healthy family without some form of friendship. What I’m saying is that, as presented, the population of these countries should be the most fucked up assholes possible, if they hadn’t already killed eachother off!

I don’t even get what they’re trying to do there? You can introduce characters, and even have them be going through a Friendship Problem, without saying ‘they know nothing about friendship at all’. You even could’ve had this episode without that plot point! I mean, if Ponies, who ‘already know about friendship, unlike everyone else’, can still go to Friendship School, why not other creatures know Friendship but strive to learn more about it?

That said, if you’re going to dump characters on us, can we have a Crystal Pony character? You have an entire Empire of them, yet they’re only backup background Ponies. Do any of them have names we heard on-screen and not from looking in the credits/merchandising? Also more Zebras! We still haven’t seen any other than Zecora! Or Diamond Dogs! Or Buffalo! Or the Cats and Parrots from the movie! Or Minotaurs! Or other Sirens! Holy fuck I just realized how many sapient races they shoved in this show. My point still stands though. Y’all should’ve developed any of these before you tossed in Yaks. 

Side note, ‘Everycreature’? Look, ‘Everypony’ was already pointless since everyone/everybody works just fine. Why not just switch to those words? 

However, I feel like the biggest problem is the original cast in this episode. 

The other five usually would’ve been more assertive when they saw how downhill it was going. And, like, when Twilight was all depressed, they were converted to their most basic of character traits to try and cheer her up, even though they all know better! Rainbow: “get the fuck up!”, AJ: “Eating apples makes me feel better!”, Fluttershy: “Here, hug a bunny!”, Rarity: “I bet a pretty dress would cheer you up!”, Pinkie: “Party Time!”. Again, these characters know better by now, and have been legitimately helpful and comforting, and also call each other out on things! 

Instead, we get Starlight doing the ‘tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear’ bit. Which, okay, I like Starlight well enough. I kind of want to rewrite her first villain episodes(I have a long rant on how the first ones went far to make her a villain, but had her turn around in a mater of seconds), but she’s been doing good and progressing well enough. Even so, Starlight is not the one who should’ve done this for several reasons. Partly because the rest of the cast should’ve done that. 

And then we have Celestia. Like... okay. Celestia’s ‘uselessness’ in major situations before were explainable. It used to be that she was disconnected from the Elements of Harmony, so she couldn’t use them to save the day. Then it was the dangers either overpowering her or getting the jump on her(Sometimes both.). The second excuse was weak, but hey, if you want Twilight and crew to beat the villain, you need to have them take out the sort-of-goddess so she doesn’t go in guns, er, horn blazing. 

But this episode could’ve showed Celestia off as a Leader, as Princess! When everything goes sideways and all the other leaders are bickering all to hell, she could’ve been the one to smack some sense into them! That is literally part of her job description! Diplomacy! Just have her go “Okay guys, I know you’re pissed. How about we put aside the fight to find the missing students? Then you can talk it out with them.”. But no, she just sits back and tells Twilight to do it. Fucking hell! Who thought old ass memes of characterization would come true!

Also, back to new characters, I have concerns over that villain pony. I forgot his name, but I’m calling him “Dr. Dracula Strange”. My concern isn’t over his potential villainy in the future. Oh no. However, remember that thing I said about Starlight’s time as a villain? How they spent their time making her the worst, most irredeemable pony and then shoved a ‘tragic backstory’ in and had her change her mind in three seconds? I’m scared that they’re going to pull that with this racist fuck. Partly because of story, but also partly because the racism angle hits a bit closer to reality compared to “Unicorn accidentally starts a cult, and then causes timeline fuckery”, so I say let’s just toss the guy in a cell with Tirek and not go the redemption arc route with this one. And that’s coming from me, who loves redemption arcs! You need to give a character redeemable traits if you want them to become a good guy. 

Another thing! It’s not really a complaint but, seriously? “Not even a princess can do whatever she likes when it comes to shaping young pony minds.”. Er, I hate to break it to y’all, but that’s kind of the definition of what she can do! Celestia is the Immortal leader of the country and the one making the laws. If she wanted to, she could make laws on anything. Of course, you do need to draw the line before going full tyrant, but still. Tia’s got a bit more power in this situation. 

TBH, I’m very glad that I already decided that my universe/fanart/fanfics are officially Canon Divergent as of a while ago. 

[kaorei-endgame]

What Yakuza game would you recommend playing if I wanted play one? I keep seeing stuff from 0 that looks great and you've said a lot of good things about the series in the past.

In a lot of ways, Yakuza 0 is the BEST place to start with the series! 

And you could leave this post at that–but aw heck, it’s been a while, and I got some stuff to say!

So my appreciation of Yakuza 0 is definitely related to how I prefer the slightly more personal “Kazama Kiryu Desires A Peaceful Life but dang if his Best Bro won’t stop dragging him into these intra-clan turf wars,” stories of Yakuza 1&2 to the exponentially expansive scope of “Kazama Kiryu wants nothing more to than to raise orphan bbs on the idyllic beaches of Okinawa BUT WATCH OUT: The American military wants to buy the entire island and you’re the only gangster man enough to stop them!!” of Yakuza 3 and onwards

(note: I can’t remember if that was actually the plot of Yakuza 3 but doesn’t it seem like the plot of Yakuza 3?)

So it’s like a return to form; 0′s a (…more or less…) hardboiled crime plot about one specific Objet d'Ardeur that everyone in the country has a rack-focus mega-boner about solving the mystery of. In Yakuza 1 it was the “10 Billion Yen” and here it’s “The Empty Lot.” You know I loves it when people refer to such things in hushed and/or concerned tones. 

And they do it a lot in this game.

A lot a lot.

And that’s where I’m at r/n.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like them later Yaks, but the series ditched its focus from as it went, where the plots got a lot bigger and they added a shitload of playable characters to varying degrees of success. Enough of those games still rock (Yakuza 5′s got a whole section where you play as an up and coming idol and also one where you fight a bear)

(subnote, the idol does not fight the bear)

(subsubnote, though she absolutely should’ve)

But their plots are such a severe mess that I was only able to enjoy the narrative of 4&5 for their audacity–they’re so dopey and BIG–since none of the characters were, like, super character-y, you know, per se. They all blend together, especially antagonists, who end up being “thug guy” or “haha, it was actually I, the refined business man BEHIND the thug guy, (and also, for some reason I have DIAMOND CUT ABS and KNOW KARATE).” 

So, when you sit down and really think about it, in some ways, Yakuza 0 is actually the perfect Yakuza game!

Though it’s a prequel, the story works without context. There’s a good bit of fan-service in how they spent a decent time on characterization for people who would become major players/antagonists in later games, but I don’t feel like it being a prequel would hurt new players. You’d miss out on some of the dramatic irony I enjoyed, sure, but you also wouldn’t have to reconcile the cognitive dissonance of Majima, Yakuza’s genre-standard “crazy guy who’s gay for the protagonist (but strictly in a violent way (no homo))” acting like just a regular, (…relatively…? i mean he’s a gangster…?) nice guy. In fact, this game made me kind of wish Majima was just always this Majima. :/

(spoiler warning: Yakuza sidequests still have a 1-5% factor of Extremely Bad Video Game Opinions on Gender/Sexuality/Race 😞 And I wish they’d quit that shit already, because it straight up sullies the fun, lighthearted tone of most of the side content–there are always a couple “ugh, aren’t you better than this?” moments in these games)

Aside from that–the narrative stuff, or etc–the mechanical bloat of later games can make it tough to fully recognize which parts are wheat and which parts are chaff. There’s too much of it to sort, especially as they move into the If Yakuza 4 had 4 characters then obviously Yakuza 5 has to have five??? model, where I sorta forgot there were 5 protagonists until I looked it up because the Baseball Guy in 5 was the only dude more forgettable than Baby Faced Grapple Cop in 4. 

And I liked 5, no doubt, but you don’t really need like four+ distinct fighting styles, especially when you’re musical chairs-ing between them every 2 or 3 hours. And it’s definitely fun and/or funny that every character has their own goofy sub-quest like “trapping rabbits on a mountainside” or “extremely solicitous taxi cab driving,” but a lot of that stuff gets lost in the wash as you get farther out from the actual playing of it. 

(vs chicken????)

As a result, I retain vaguely positive feelings about Yakuzas 3-5, but I can’t remember a whole lot of what I actually did in them. Where Yakuza 0 felt like it had just enough that I could manage everything without going nuts. Just the same, I keep sayin’ 1&2 remain my favorites for their tighter scopes–the Goldlocks Principle of Yakuza games–but I also haven’t played them in almost a decade, so who knows how they actually hold up. I’m probably just talking out of my ass! And, in some ways, Yakuza 0 might be one of those situations where it’s actually living up to the fond memories falsified by my nostalgia! 

What I mean by that is 0’s a refinement of a series that has always been one of the extremely few “open world” games that’ve ever actually worked on me. Weird comparisons on sale here, but it’s like Witcher 2: the maps are small enough that they become intimate, and there aren’t a billion checkmarks all over them, so it doesn’t feel like you’re running down a list. Really, Yakuza has been the only series I feel like I can play on whim, act arbitrarily and according to mood, and not freak out about not playing the most “efficient” way.

(also why does it seem like they spent like 100x as much effort on Sagawa’s face than they did anyone else in the entire game, including the main characters? Is it because Sagawa is Actually The Secret Best???)

It’s cool, being in those neighborhoods, whose twists and turns become familiar. They’re some of the few games that I can really space out with, not worrying about completion lists or plot progression or missable sidequests (we just beat Tales of Vesperia, I’m “missable sidequest”-ed out for the foreseeable future), just playing arbitrarily, and pecking away at a long substory until you get bored, and not worrying super much about whether or not you’ll ever come back and finish it. They set a tone; ie: “there’s so much CRAP here.” Like, every bar gives you a mini-lecture on each whisky’s history as you order it. You can’t possibly do all of it–in fact, they don’t let you, because the bartender cuts you off after 3 or 4 drinks–so it’s almost like they game is telling you “hey, do something else so you don’t burn yourself out trying to catch ‘em all.” Which is I suspect Fallout or Farcry or Assassin’s Creed or whatever will probably never, ever do.

So even though Yakuza is as checklisty as any of those games (and in Yakuza 0 there’s a literal checklist that gives you quantifiable gameplay benefits as you fill it out) there’s no impetus to play them that way. You do whatever you want, at the speed you want. It’s like, by curtailing your ability to drink every whisky at once, eat every food at once, find every sidequest at once, they’re giving you permission to leave things half-finished. I dumped several hours into reaching the climax of Majima’s biggest substory, but when the game offered me the chance to go to the final battle, I kinda went “I’m ready for this” and left the whole thing unsettled right before the finish line. 

So I guess I’ll never know how that cabaret plot ended, but I also don’t feel like I really need to know how it ended either. My experience was enough, and it’s good to feel like you’re playing something just to immerse yourself in the experience of it, rather doggedly coming back until you can Finish it and Check It Off A List.

In summation, I’m hope to keep this one in my kokoro 5ever:

…tell Kuze hello for me! 👊