#DUE TO LACK OF CONTENT I DECIDED TO MAKE SOMETHING MYSELF AND PRETEND ITS OFFICAL

[s-guacamolearts]

THE NEW NEWSLETTER BE LOOKING DOPE

Transparent version:

[stopbeingcurious]

You make me feel young again*

PART THREE / MASTERLIST

pairing: post azkaban sirius black x y/n

warning: dirty thoughts/ letters

a/n i had so many request to make more of this series so here we are... enjoy :P

A couple of weeks had gone past, without any contact from Sirius and yours and Professor Lupins relationship had gone back to normal, like nothing had ever happened.

The only thing on your mind was the way Sirius touched you, how his skin felt against yours. You missed it.

You remember the words Sirius spoke the last and only time you were together;

“Not many girls like you,”

Not many girls like you? The way Sirius spoke about his time as a teenager he made it sound like he had slept around.

It was taunting your mind, you wanted to see Sirius again, you needed too. You daydreamed in class about him, at lunch in the shower, in bed. You needed that mans affection again.

It got so bad that you were loosing sleep, you were genuinely so aroused that you couldn't sleep at night, not with a puddle and a heartbeat between your legs.

You thought you could relieve some of the tension yourself but of course that didn't work, just made it worse. 

You needed male attention.

And of course your friends caught onto your behaviour changes, asking you a variety or questions when you left your dorm room looking like a disheveled mess.

In other words, you were desperate.

class

You're currently sitting in class, potions to be exact, listening to Professor Snape bore on about how it's illegal to become animagi underage. You had no interest whatsoever in the subject at hand so decided to rest your head on your hand and let your mind wander. What you didn't remember was that Professor Snape was a skilled Legilimens. His voice rung out from the front of the class just as your mind wandered in the direction it had been for a while now, Sirius.

“Y/n, I suggest you concentrate if you don't want your fellow classmates and I knowing what you're thinking about,” His eyes narrowed in your direction, pulling everyones attention from their work, all eyes on you. Some smirks, some confused, some bothered because they had been distracted.

You let out a silent huff as you switch your attention to the parchment in front of you.

common room

Your friends surround you, all looking intrigued. They had just interrupted you from reading your book sitting next to the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room.

“We know somethings up Y/n, would you just give up and tell us already!” Angelina flung her arms around in expression. She was pulled out of her expressive state with a hand on her shoulder, Freds.

“Ange is right Y/n, we just wanna know if there was anything we could do to help.” Fred asks, his body was slouched forwards slightly so he didn't seem as intimidating as he usually did.

You measure your friends that you're okay and that you're just not getting enough sleep. 

You were so into your book and now your attention has been snatched by your brain again, filling your vision with images of that night, the night where right went wrong, the night of your life.

You'd had enough of this tormenting, the only way you could get to Sirius was through Professor Lupin and you had an idea.

You proceeded to write Sirius a letter, a very detailed letter, just to bless his imagination as much as you blessed his everyday but the your mind flooded with questions; What if Sirius didn't want to see you again? Is that why he hadn't contacted you first? Did he think you were just a one time thing? But Sirius thought the complete opposite of this.

Sirius received your letter, Remus handed it to him with a stern look on his face.

“I didn't read it, I respect your privacy Sirius but you have to be smart about it,” Sirius knew straight away who the letter was from. Remus sat at the table opposite him in their shared home.

“We don't know what it says yet Moony,” Sirius scoffs and opens the letter.

Dear Sirius,

If Prof. Lupin is around, do not show any sign on your face with the words I am about to say. Sirius I miss your touch, I'm not sure if you thought it was a one time thing and I could be embarrassing myself right now but if you feel the same, if you didn’t want it to be a one time thing I wonder why I can see you next. I sit in my classes, arousal pooling in my panties because of you. Your making me feral Sirius, I need you inside of me soon, I cant please myself, I need you and your big cock to stretch out my tight pussy, its waiting for you Sirius.

Y/n :)

Sirius couldn't contain himself, he quickly grew hard in his trousers also trying not to show any signal as to what the letter had just read. Of course he wanted to see you again, he wanted his hands all over your body, his callous fingers rubbing against the red of your ass where he has just slapped.

Remus looked at him with confusion as Sirius was sitting there with sort of wide eyes wondering how he was suddenly wrapped up with an 18 year old. He was pinning over her, attached.

“Sirius, what did it say?” Remus leaned forwards in his chair, hand sewn together as well as his eyebrows.

Sirius snapped out of his stance on the command of Remus’ voice.

“It said that what we did was a mistake and that she is sorry,” Sirius lies straight through his teeth, pretending that the letter had bruised his ego.

The air was clear, and everyone could breath again.

Sirius was relieved that Remus had believed him and Remus was relieved because Sirius and yourself were no longer infatuated with each other, lifting a huge relief of his shoulder. 

But Remus didn't know the contents of Sirius next letter to you...

hogwarts

You were sitting at breakfast, tapping on the table. Your distractions had gotten better over the last couple days meaning that you'd been sleeping better meaning that your friends hadn't been on your back constantly.

“You alright Y/n?” Angelina sits next to you, swinging her legs dramatically over the bench, stretching her arm into the middle of the table to grab an apple.

“Yeah I'm okay thanks Ange,” She smiles at you. “How are you?” You ask, taking another bite of the toast that sat on your plate.

“Yeah yeah I'm all good, anyway I came here to tell you that Professor Lupin wants to see you before class,” Your eyes widen, had he read the letter between you and Sirius? You didn't think he would have, he wasn't the type to invade privacy.

Angelina noticed the colour drain from your face and a worried look creeps onto her face. “Whats wrong? What did you do? Are you in trouble?” She bombards you with questions to which you stand up and run out of the hall towards the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. You might as well pack your bags now, theres no way that he is going to let you off without punishment after he read the letter.

Your legs ran as fast as they could take you, dodging students and teachers, earning a phew ‘No running in corridors’.

You came to an immediate halt in front of the door you recognised so well and you knocked.

“Come in,” You heard from the other side of the door.

You take a deep breath, feel the cold untouched door handle underneath your shaking skin. You breath again, trying to steady your breaths and trying to hold back the tears that were ebbing on your waterline.

You push the door open to find your DADA Professor standing at the top of the stairs leading up to his office, you sniffle and bite your lip, hiding any emotion.

“Come into my office Y/n,” He turns around and strides into his office, leaving the door open behind him.

You begin to walk towards the stairs, having his emotionless words replay in your head, thinking out all the possibilities of how this interaction could go and how you could make it easier for yourself. You pace the floor feeling the cold air of the classroom consume you due to the lack of human warmth. You shiver and resume your journey now striding up the stairs.

Pushing the door open, you stride into his office the same way he did. You immediately saw a letter on the desk, you mentally cursed yourself, letting your Professor do all the talking.

“I see you got my message from Angelina?” He was slouched back in his chair, looking rather relaxed.

You nod, worried if you speak that your voice will break as you were on the verge of tears.

“Why so quiet? Is there something wrong?” His eyebrows furrowed as he asked. 

“No nothing, just not sleeping properly lately,” You lie, you figured you would just tell everyone the same thing so that if the subject came up everyones stories would match.

“Ah yes, Angelina told me,” You looked shocked. “Anyway,” He dismisses the subject. “I have something for you,” Remus turns your attention when he picks up the letter on the desk with his long, dainty fingers.

The letter was for you? You thought that was the letter you sent Sirius.

You take the letter that he was offering and examine it. There was no name on the front of it and it wasn't sealed at the back. You look up at your Professor and all he does is smile and nod, then your attention is back on the letter, you practically ripped it open, knowing that it was from Sirius.

Dear Y/n,

I assume you will have received this letter from Remus.

We cant send any more letters as I told Remus that your letter was about how you thought what we did was wrong and that it was a mistake so tell him that as well, thats what he knows. I am in instant need of you, I want to feel your body below me, writhing around underneath me. I need to taste you, all of you. I want to make your ass all red then kiss it all over. I want to make you cum over and over and over until you cant cum anymore, would you like that? I will find a way that we can reunite but you're going to have to wait pup, I'm sure you can do that for me.

Sirius *paw-print*

The colour drained from your face once again and your heart rate sped up drastically. Only Sirius words had this great of an effect on you. You had to hide any expression from Remus, you knew what he knew and you had to go along with it.

“Im sorry Y/n but I think it was for the best,” The Professor sat before you, shuffling papers ready for your first lesson with him.

“I agree Professor, thank you for delivering my letter,” You reply, trying to ignore the puddle in you underwear. You had to do something about it before class started, you could sit in his lesson feeling aroused the whole time!

“Your free to wait in here Y/n, class will start soon,” You decline your Professors offer and run to the toilet with the letter, needing to relieve some of this built up tension.

[vampiresuns]

🍋 It Takes Two To Tango | Leon x Anatole

2.5k words, placed after 🍋 Any Way. In which Anatole takes up on Leon’s end of their post-competition agreement, not without making it a little difficult for Leon first.

Leon (he/they) belongs to @apprenticealec who requested “[ dress ]   your muse having mine dress up in lingerie.“ + “[ wall ]  your muse shoving mine up against a wall.“ from the NFSW Muse Reaction Prompts for Leonana. I went all out because I’m simmering in Leonana brain rot, and to make it up for the wait. Happy fucking monday, Dani, dearest, pun absolutely intended.

Minors DNI. Lemon ahead. CW for dom/sub dynamics, and liberal sprinkling of Leon calling Anatole ‘sir’. Also, for a brief height difference mention.

Leon knew it was a matter of time before Anatole came forward for his part of the deal. Leon had been allowed to have him any way he wanted, and now it was Anatole’s turn. He was also aware of the likelihood of Anatole being difficult about it; he didn’t only expect it, he wanted it even, wished for it. Leon knew whichever way Anatole decided payback was due would find him in compromising positions, true, but in positions where he would be good. Really, really good. 

Not ever could Lenon regret letting Anatole take the reins when they were in the bedroom. 

As much as Leon knew, whatever their partner was playing at wasn’t what Lee expected in the slightest. At first, they realised he was playing at something, but only the Gods knew at what. It wasn’t like they had stopped having sex (they didn’t) or that he didn’t want to take up on Leon’s end of the bargain. Leon had asked, a week after they had been practising together, Anatole’s reply had been a laugh full of affection and a kiss on Leon’s temple.

“Of course I want to hold it against you, my love.” 

“Well then, when?”

That had earned Leon another laugh and another kiss. 

Then the torture began. It shouldn’t have surprised Leon that it would turn out this way, yet there they were anyway: surprised and being met with the same reply, over and over. It was a week, two days and 20 hours — not that Leon was counting — of torture, where Leon realised Anatole’s strategy a little too late. During that period of time they had sex practically every day, some days more than once, but Anatole was always careful, almost surprisingly tender, reverend in a way which made Leon weak at his knees and made his heart threat to escape his chest through his throat.

He loved it, he wasn’t going to lie: he loved the slow pace and the praise, and the attention; yet, as he was not going to lie, this wasn’t what he wanted. 

It was during the week mark that they realised, when they begged for Anatole to do anything he wanted, and his only reply was one firm: “Patience.”

Lee protested, his mind clicked, and his nostrils flared in irritation. “You fucking bastard.”

“Hm? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’re doing this on purpose.”

“You said anything I wanted. Never specified for how long.”

“Fuck you.” 

“Fuck me yourself, oh wait, you’re tied to the bed.”

“Then fuck me like you mean it.”

“You don’t think I mean this, then? Should I stop?”

If Leon didn’t like the game so much, if they didn’t like to be completely and utterly drenched in Anatole, if they didn’t enjoy the chase and the power play as much as Nana himself did, he’d yell. He’d yell and play difficult even more, but he knew he would stop touching him, and right now, he did not want Anatole’s hands away from him, he didn’t want his mouth away from him. It was torture, Anatole knew it, and it was working. 

The next day they did not have sex, and while Leon knew it was because Anatole flat-out passed out after an eventful day, part of them — the petty one — thought he had a busy day on purpose. 

The next day Leon woke up alone, their bed with no Anatole, his body replaced with an ornamented box with a bow, and a seemingly empty bottle. Leon shook it. At the lack of sound coming from its lack of contents, they smiled. They knew what it was: Nana, aware he could not leave notes for Leon if he had to wake up too early for them, left them audible messages in tiny bottles, something he had magically developed only so he could leave notes for them. 

The note only said: “Hopefully this stops your complaining. I have a meeting with the Praetorian department, which I don’t expect you to remember. Don’t miss me too much, miss me so much you want to swear at me again a little, instead. Love, your Anatole.”

“PS, yes I just said PS, out loud, to an empty bottle. Good morning, lover.”

The box had a dress, soft to touch, it had sleeves, but it was backless, and had not one, but two slits. Under the dress, there was a lingerie set, silk and lace, from what Leon could touch. Both of them fit them perfectly, embracing their body in a way that could only mean they were bespoke. Of course Anatole would know his measurements, of course he would use such knowledge for evil. 

The bad part was now Leon had to wait. He thought one day he’d unmask Anatole for the tormentor he was, obviously a man such as himself you made Leon wait, could not possibly be the good person the public (and Leon) knew he was. Incorrigible. He would have to break Vesuvian’s hearts, but it was for a good cause. 

He could hear Camia, Alec and Jamil telling him he was full of shit. 

Still Leon waited, finding things to occupy the hours until he heard one of the bookshelves in the morning room next to their bedroom slide, and the familiar echo of Anatole’s steps. 

The smile was audible in his tone when he saw Leon. “Red looks good on you.”

“I don’t know what red looks like,” if he sounded more petulant than he intended, he didn’t apologise for it, nor Anatole said anything beyond fighting a laugh. 

“How was your day, Lee?” 

“Uneventful. I’ve wasted myself waiting. Debated telling Vesuvia how you’re a cruel man who must not love me, since you’re always running off to meetings.”

Anatole barked a laugh. “I will make sure to take you with me the next time we have to reform a wing of the court because a literal demon used to hold that office. I still do not understand how no one realised.” 

“Fine, how was your day,” despite Leon’s tone, he made an instinctive grab for Anatole’s hand, lacing their fingers together and kissing his knuckles.

“The usual. Tiring, full of meetings, proud of myself for doing socialisation without mixing languages, or worse, getting too fatigued to go on — but I suppose I have to thank Nadia and my medicines for that—”

“You’re doing that thing where you sell yourself too short, and pretend the things you do are completely ordinary.”

“I’m not pretending, false modesty is not something that afflicts me. I’m not you.”

“Hey!”

“You started it.”

“Doesn’t mean you can continue it.”

Leon could feel the mocking reverence Anatole made. “Of course, your highness. But, as I was saying, it’s going. It will be a hassle, but we’re cautiously optimistic. I am desperately trying to convince Artemisia to join the prosecutors board.”

“I have no clue what that is, but why would Art say no?”

“Because I asked, because she doesn’t feel like it, because she’s not entirely convinced, because she think it’s unfair to start up that high — but, and I know I will lose you here somewhat, Artemis is truly brilliant when it comes to thinking and rethinking justice in a way I don’t think I am, or Nadia is, as intelligent and analytical as we can be. It’s a different drive, and of course, the predominantly legal and jurisprudential education does make a difference. I did not study Law, even if I know my share about law, I studied politics and International Relations.”

“Did you, perhaps, also minor in torturing me?”

“No, that just comes naturally… what are you wearing, by the way? Is that something you just found lying around?”

“You’re too intelligent to play dumb.”

“So are you, and you do it all the time, Leon.”

Leon was going to protest again, but Anatole gently cupped his cheek with his hand. Betraying himself, Leon leaned into it like one does to the fire after a cold day out. 

“You are very good at complaining,” his tone had changed completely from familiarity to honey-like, heavy, warm, inviting, too inviting, “you’re lucky I like you.”

“You love me.”

“I do love you.”

Anatole gave him a chaste kiss… and that was it. Leon tried to kiss him again but his index pressed against his lips, making no reaction beyond a controlled breath as Leon sucked on his finger. Anatole removed his finger from Leon’s mouth, kissing his cheek instead.

Leon would not beg. He would plant himself like bricks, he would stand his ground in the same way Anatole did when he was fighting for something he cared about. This was about his dignity, this was about he had already been good, too good, and yet he was still being tortured simply because Anatole was getting off of it. He would pretend that didn’t turn him on like it was nobody’s business. He would pretend to be unbothered, he would not sway, except for maybe a little pout, a little cry. 

He would not follow Anatole around, that was not what they were doing. Leon was asserting himself, not following. 

He was full of shit. Leon was in the middle of another petty remark, when Anatole’s hands found their ribs, pushing him against the nearest wall, soft enough to hurt, but hard enough to get Leon’s blood to his groin faster than they could count to three. It was always surprising to remember Anatole may not be, physically, the strongest person he knew, but he was stronger than he looked like. Strong enough to manhandle someone a foot taller than him, for example. Leon hitched a breath as his fingers pinned him to place, Anatole’s mouth ghosting over his skin. 

“You complain a lot for someone who’s been dotted and pampered all week.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“Then tell me what you want.”

“No.”

“Why not, sweetheart?” 

“Because you’ll make me beg for it.”

“Leon, I think you’re already begging.” 

For once, Leon couldn’t find anything to say to that.

“I don’t want one crocodile tear, understood?”

If it didn’t feel so good to say it, if Anatole’s hands, which had begun to roam his body, didn’t feel so nice against the fabric of the dress, Leon would’ve hated how quick he said: “Yes, sir.”

“That’s good, sweetheart.” 

Anatole took his time, his mouth hot against Leon’s skin; his hands had made their way through the slits of the dress, palming through Leon’s thighs. 

“I’m glad both these things fit you, you look so pretty like this — such a shame I’ll have to take them off, at least the dress.” He paused, his hand palming Leon’s sex. “Maybe next time wear it with nothing underneath.”

Anatole took off the dress with a practiced motion that could only mean he had studied how to do this before he gave it to Leon. Bastard, he thought, but didn’t say anything, as Anatole’s mouth and hands made it hard to concentrate. Even if it was Anatole the one dropping to his knees, Leon knew he was not the one in control here, all they could do was lean back against the wall, as Anatole mouthed him through the fabric of the lingerie, moving it enough to release Leon from it’s pressure as he took them in his mouth. 

This time Anatole did not go at the excruciatingly slow, tender pace he had the days before. He was all precision and went to the point: the right amount of tongue, the right amount of pressure as he sucked, the right amount of teasing, the right amount of depth. He took one of Leon’s legs, putting it over his shoulder. The next thing Leon felt has one of his slicked fingers gently pressing against his entrance, a circular motion not meant to push in yet, but when he did, his mouth didn’t move away, not even when one finger became two, scissoring inside him, and when two became three. 

“You’re going to make me come,” Leon whimpered. 

Anatole removed his mouth from him with a wet pop. “Do or don’t, I’m fucking you anyway.” 

Leon hissed.

“The only thing that will make me stop is a safeword, are we clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s my beautiful sweetheart.”

“You did all of this on purpose.”

“And what about it?”

“Bastard,” Leon spit out, it took all of their concentration not to cut their own words with a moan as Anatole pushed a third finger in. 

“I only take your complaints as encouragement. If you’re too incoherent to argue, I win by default.”

Objectively speaking, Leon didn’t feel the absence of Anatole’s fingers for long, but everything was too long now. Anatole kissed him, ordering to bend forward a little and face the wall. He kissed the middle of their back before moving away, anticipation pooling in Leon’s stomach. He tried to touch himself, but Anatole caught him.

“That’s mine to touch, sweetheart,” Anatole said as he walked behind Leon, the lubed tip of his strap pushing against his entrance. “Just like you’re mine to fuck tonight, anyway I want.” 

Anatole pushed in, but didn’t move yet.

“Anatole, I’ve waited enough.”

“I want to hear you say it, sweetheart. ‘Anyway I want’.”

One beat, two. Anatole still didn’t move his hips. 

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

Another beat, and Leon gave in. “Anyway you want, sir, just fuck me, please fuck me.”

Anatole wrapped an arm around Leon’s waist, kissing the middle of their back again before he began moving his hips, picking up pace quickly. He fucked Leon just like he had wanted and then some: deep, hard, angling himself to hit just where Leon wanted, alternating paces only to tease Lee a little more. Praise fell easy from his lips, his hands grabbing Leon’s hips, Anatole digging his fingers against their skin. He called them beautiful, he called them needy, he called them terrible, he repeated over and over that Leon was being so good, so eager and ready to get fucked. 

“Not so cocky now, are we, sweetheart?”

When Leon tried to reply, he angled himself to hit just right, keeping the angle. Leon managed a “Fuck you” and Anatole laughed, bending over them to kiss their back again. 

Leon came on Anatole’s hand, his dick still inside of him, hips still moving. They only moved to the bed when it did become too much, and then Anatole sat on his face, but eventually he went back to fucking him, making sure they came again, and again after that. Leon didn’t want it to be over yet, and he knew Anatole wasn’t likely to end it soon — though his cockiness eventually gave way to the same devotion of before, only being poured all over Leon in a different way, in a way that claimed and took and made him dizzy if he thought about it for too long. For Anatole, with Anatole, he would, however. When it came to him, he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

[bngtanah]

I’m (not) With The Band. | o6

summary: Adrienne is an indie producer who is hired to help co-produce BTS’ next album alongside their resident producer; Suga. Despite the initial opposition on both ends, the pair spend time together, share a few stories, dreams and aspirations and begin to hit it off really well. Wrapped up in the whirlwind of late nights and heated disagreements and reconciliations, Min Yoongi and Adrienne Rolle find themselves growing closer and closer. One night they decide to cross the barrier between personal and professional and do their best make a relationship work against all odds.

pairing: idol!Yoongi  x OC

word count: 4.8k genre: drama, romance, smut(eventually)

chapters: prologue| o1| o2| o3| o4| o5| o6| o7| o8| o9| 10| 11|

warning: fluff, workplace relationship, slow burn, sexual attraction, ambw, developing relationship, hand holding, mentions of alcohol, karaoke, jealousy.

a/n: so i’m still not sure if anyone’s actually reading these multichapter fics. I may stop uploading them if there’s no interest but I’m not sure at the moment. hmmmm, anyway here’s the latest!

Yoongi never knew what to do with himself on his days off.

Any amount of free time he ever had was always spent in a studio, practice room or curled up in his bed trying to allow his body to catch up on hours of missed sleep. So in a sense his days off were never really 'his', there was always an interview to be given, a meeting to go to or some song or dance move to tweak that required his attention. Today, however, was different. He and the rest of his band members genuinely had the entire day off to do whatever they wanted within reason and Yoongi was drawing a blank on just how he was going to spend the 10 hours he had to indulge himself. Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook all suggested the seven of them do something together while the older boys seemed content with doing nothing but lounging around their dorm with the option of having dinner together later that day. Yoongi was unusually on the fence about his decision; had this been any other day he would have jumped at the chance to stay in bed all day but if he made the choice to stay at home he wouldn't get the chance to do the one thing he knew he wanted to do today which was see Andy.

He hadn't seen her in person in almost a week since she accompanied them to the commercial shoot and he almost lost control of his senses. They spoke over the phone or through text messages to exchange ideas and demos of new tracks but Yoongi didn't trust himself to be alone with her in his current state. He could still vividly remember the sensation of her touching him, her soft palms pressing against his biceps and gently moving over his skin. The memory took hold of him at the most inopportune times and made him lose focus on whatever he was doing at that moment. More than once he found himself being stirred awake in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and a hand he didn't remember moving in his sleep wrapped around his shaft. Needless to say, he had it bad for Adrienne and his desire for her was only getting worse by the day.

"What do you think Yoongi?"

Jin asked and Yoongi's eyes went wide. He hadn't been listening to any of their conversation, even though he was sitting in the circle with everyone else. Once again the thought of Andy had taken over his thinking process. The way everyone was looking at him he assumed that he was meant to be the tie breaker in some sort of resolution that probably decided what they were going to do for the day.

"I really wasn't listening" Yoongi finally answered and scratched the back of his neck, "What's the question?"

"Ah, hyung if you're spacing out already maybe you should just go back to bed," Namjoon said with a small chuckle, although he was probably just trying to garner support for his choice of staying home.

"They want to go to Lotte World, for god knows what reason," Jin started.

"They've added new attractions!" Taehyung and Jimin interjected simultaneously.

"Whatever, the rest of us just want to stay here, what are you going to do?"

Yoongi ran his fingers through his fringe and pretended to be deep in thought, he personally had no desire to be surrounded by a bunch of strangers and children today but going to an amusement park seemed like something Andy would love if he knew her as well as he thought he did. He was certain that she hadn't been any farther than a few blocks away from the BigHit building and her apartment since she moved here and that was almost six months ago.

"If you guys are going to the amusement park, why don't you take Andy along with you? She mentioned something about wanting to explore the other day didn't she?" He replied flippantly, just gauge a reaction without making it obvious that he wanted her to come.

"She did say something like that," Jimin nodded "Would she want to go to an amusement park though? I thought she meant something like exploring the city."

"I think she would like it, she seems like the type to enjoy places like that doesn't she?" Namjoon responded hastily before Yoongi had the chance to answer and everyone else nodded in agreement, "Y'know...if you're going to invite her shouldn't we all go?" Namjoon didn't have a convincing reason for why they all should go just because Andy might be coming along but after his suggestion, Hoseok begrudgingly agreed to tag along and Jin complained about not wanting to be left alone in the dorm to clean.

That left only Yoongi, who shrugged and turned his head away from the group to conceal the small hint of a smile that attempted to fight its way onto his lips. Taehyung and Jimin cheered, loudly, and shared a hi-five once it was decided that everyone would be going just like they originally wanted and Yoongi was already standing to his feet and backing away from the group to call Andy before Namjoon had the chance to steal that opportunity from him as well.

"Yeoboseyo?"

This time, Yoongi allowed himself to smile and duck his head down just slightly at the sound of Adrienne's voice which he always found amusing. Her Korean skills were slowly getting better, and she had a marked improvement compared when he first met her,  but due to her accent, the way she pronounced certain words always sounded like she was singing a song. It was cute.

"Andy? Are you busy today?"

"Hello to you too Yoongi-ssi, I'm doing well thanks for asking," She replied dryly, " Uh, no I don't think so...I'm at the studio right now so that's all I planned on doing today.," Andy paused, "Why?"

"Well the kids want to go an amusement park and I'm being dragged along, so I wondered if you might want to come as well...? It would give us a chance to talk about some of the songs, right?" He quickly tacked on at the end to avoid seeming eager.

"An amusement park? That sounds so fun but someone might have to come get me, I got lost trying to find my apartment last night" Adrienne laughed and Yoongi grinned silently.

"I can do that," He offered while moving from the common room of their dorm into his bedroom to get dressed, "And you should be more careful going home in the night, why didn't you call someone?" He meant to sound concerned but his words only came off as chastising which made Adrienne groan softly.

"I found it eventually, leader-nim" She teased and snickered when Yoongi imitated her groan, "I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."

"Well, you should have no problem finding the amusement park by yourself then? I can leave you to it?"

"Hey...don't joke about that I'm really looking forward to going now."

"Don't start whining, I'm coming for you."

Adrienne squealed and hung up, allowing Yoongi to slip his phone into the pocket of his jacket and step back out into the common room. The boys were currently arguing about whether they should eat at the park before the rides or after instead of making preparations to leave, Yoongi informed them that he was leaving to guide Andy to park and glided out the front door before they had the chance to question him.

It only took him about ten minutes to reach the BigHit building but once he was  a few blocks away he could clearly see Adrienne standing on the sidewalk, impatiently bouncing back and forth on the balls of her feet.

"Andy!" Yoongi called out once he was closer, and then immediately remembered that he was out in public and in front of the office building where he worked and at any moment some crazy fan could descend upon him and ruin his day. He adjusted the snapback on his head and kept his head down until he was standing next to Adrienne.

"Are you alone? I thought everyone was coming?" Andy commented as she peered around Yoongi's shoulder and noted the lack of people behind him.

"They are, but it's easier to travel if we aren't all together" Yoongi reassured, "I told them to meet us at the park."

Adrienne nodded and quietly followed after Yoongi as he lead them away from the BigHit building and towards the nearest subway station. The amusement park was about an hour away from where they were by train so they needed to spend less time they spent loitering around if they wanted to make it to the park before it got too crowded.

"So did you lose a bet and have to come pick me?" Adrienne probed offhandedly as they rounded a corner.

"What? No, I offered to come didn't I?"

"Yeah....I just thought that maybe someone put you up to it."

Yoongi scoffed under his breath and glanced to the side, he assumed that she was joking around like usual but the neutral expression on her face seemed to suggest otherwise.

"Why would you think that?" He finally asked.

"No reason...." She lied, "Okay that's not true I sort of thought that you didn't like me? Like we get along fine as coworkers but I feel so close to the other boys and whenever I try to get closer to you it feels like you pull away from me a little bit? I'm probably just being silly."

Yoongi was flabbergasted but didn't allow the shock to show on his features. Her assumption was so far off from what he actually felt towards her it almost made him laugh.

"You are being silly" He retorted with a huff, "Why wouldn't I like you? Do you want me to start showing you aegyo every five minutes like Jimin?"

Adrienne shrugged, "It wouldn't hurt."

She laughed out loud when Yoongi turned to glare in her direction but stopped abruptly when his hand latched onto hers and he pulled her close to his side.

"Stay close to me" Yoongi instructed while they descended the set of stairs that lead to the subway tracks, "When it's crowded like this it's easy to get lost so try not to trail behind."

Adrienne nodded and reaffirmed that she understood what he said by squeezing his palm between her fingers twice, once again testing Yoongi ability to restrain his base desires. He knew he was playing a dangerous game by grabbing her hand in the first place but he genuinely didn't want her to get separated from him while they waited for their train.

Curious eyes followed the pair as they waded through the crowds to get to their platform. Yoongi's first thought was that someone might have recognised him which made him feel self-conscious, then he remembered that he was holding hands with Adrienne. The self-consciousness he had been feeling suddenly turned into annoyance at the thought of so many people staring at them for no real reason.

"Yoongi?"

"Hm?" He grunted, unaware of the scowl currently forming on his lips

"Are you alright? Because you're kind of squeezing my hand real tight."

"Oh.." Yoongi relaxed his grip on Andy's hand but didn't let it go "Sorry."

When their train finally pulled to a stop in front of them Yoongi lead Adrienne forward and gestured for her to stand in front of him since the car was crowded. When she did he put his hand over hers once she held on to the metal bar to steady herself and caged her in with his body. Doing his best to ignore the crackling of sparks that buzzed throughout him when she leaned back. Yoongi was a protective person by nature, he looked out for the people he cared about in small, simple ways. Yet, with Adrienne everything he did seemed so over the top to him. The fact that she thought he didn't like her still shocked him when he thought he was being so transparent.

The train made quite a few stops before Adrienne and Yoongi reached their own, allowing them to take a seat once the crowd thinned out. They made good use of the hour-long commute by sharing a pair of headphones and critiquing a new song that Yoongi had spent the past few days preparing. There was a rumour spreading that one of the songs they submitted last week had no chance of being approved so their workload didn't seem to be getting lighter any time soon.

Before they realised it, their stop came up and they exited the train car with the earbuds still connecting them. The park was only a short walk from the subway station and after a small altercation about Adrienne wanting to pay for her own ticket, they finally entered the amusement park. It was just as busy and crowded with children and families as Yoongi thought it would be.

Adrienne, on the other hand, seemed immensely amused by everything she set her eyes on. All the bright flashing lights and intoxicating loud music would probably be enticing to see for the first time for someone who enjoyed that kind of thing but Yoongi was already looking forward to leaving. The euphoric look on Adrienne's face was the only thing keeping him from complaining.

"So, everyone else isn't here yet," Yoongi said as they weaved in and out of the groups of people pooled near the popular rides. "What do you want to first?"

"I don't know! I have no idea what's here, you pick something."

Adrienne was practically bouncing with excitement and Yoongi wished he could share her enthusiasm. He had only been here once before so he wasn't familiar with the attractions either but one did catch his eye as he glanced around.

"Let's try this one," He gestured to his left and took Adrienne's hand once again. The crowds weren't nearly as thick in the direction they were heading but, Yoongi still felt it necessary to hold her hand. Adrienne didn't mind the action one bit.

"We can use this to see what's worth riding," Yoongi commented as the came to a stop in front of large balloon shaped ride with a basket attached. If Yoongi had been more perceptive in that moment he might have noticed how unusually silent Adrienne had become. She was almost frozen in place while Yoongi handed over the tickets then pulled her forward without even noticing the resistance. Yoongi assumed she was too excited to speak up.

His assumption changed when the balloon began to rise and he heard an almost silent and shrill scream come from beside him. When he looked over Adrienne's eyes were shut closed so tight there were beads of tears pooling in the corners. Her fingernails nearly pressing deep enough into her thighs to break the skin.

"Andy? Are you okay?" He asked softly but she shook her head vehemently, refusing to open her eyes.

"I should have mentioned this before" Andy stuttered in a hoarse whisper "I am t-terrified of heights."

"Shit," Yoongi sighed and looked around, it was too late for them to get off since they were already connected to the ceiling and he doubted the conductor would hear him over the music playing. When he look down at Adrienne again he could see that she was visibly shaking and Yoongi quickly did the only helpful thing he could think to do which was reach over and pull her against his chest.

"You don't have to-" Adrienne protested initially, "If I stay still it's not so bad, I can deal with it."

Yoongi only shook his head and shushed her as he held her body even tighter to him. "I'm sure you can but I'm here, you don't have to suffer alone." His voice was gentle and took on a tone that he hadn't used with Adrienne before, he was generally kind or unintentionally judgmental when they spoke. But the cadence of his voice at that moment was comforting and soothing. He even took it upon himself to stroke the back of her head a few times, the way she seemed to nuzzle into his touch made him stop before he got carried away.

Adrienne exhaled a shaky breath and relaxed in his embrace after a few minutes, leaning her full weight against him. She was still tense and trembling for the duration of the ride. Yoongi could feel her body jolt with fear whenever track made a turn or started to creak as he rested his chin gingerly on the top of her head. He made sure to talk the entire time; his voice soft and low as he pointed out random and incorrect facts about the park and other tourist attractions, hoping that the sound of his voice would distract her enough to put her mind at ease.

He wasn't sure if it was working but by the time they were nearing the end of the track, Adrienne had stopped trembling and Yoongi swore he heard her giggle at one of his terrible jokes. The machine jerked slightly when they began their descent and this time, Adrienne wrapped her arms around Yoongi's waist. Holding on to him tightly before the basket finally touched the ground and she practically jumped out of the contraption.

Yoongi trailed behind and frowned deeply when he watched her grab a nearby fence with both hands to catch her breath. He hated seeing her like this, especially knowing that he was partly to blame for it.

"Are you alright?" He asked from a few feet behind her, not wanting to crowd her space.

"I'm fine now, nothing to worry about" Adrienne answered, turning to face Yoongi with a brave smile. She definitely seemed to have calmed down but somehow Yoongi could tell that she was still shaken.

"I should have asked you before pulling you on that thing,"  Yoongi apologised and cleared some of the space between them by stepping forward and placing a hand on her shoulder.

Adrienne responded by nodding and staking a step forward. Her hand resting over his, curling her fingers around the back of his palm. "It's alright, really. You didn't know and it wasn't as bad as it normally is, thanks for holding me and sorry about the makeup on your shirt."

"Don't worry about it," Yoongi said, his voice still sweet as honey as he moved his hand up to cup her jaw between his palm. His thumb gingerly grazing over the swell of her cheek with care. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Adrienne nodded again and they shared a moment of tacit silence before the unmistakable sound of Taehyung and Jimin both yelling out 'noona'  made them separate and drop their hands.

"We've been looking for you everywhere!" Taehyung exclaimed once they were closer.

"Don't lie, we just got here," Jimin reminded him.

Adrienne giggled at their small squabble as the rest of the group soon joined them and they began moving forward to find one of the new attractions. Yoongi fell behind the group when Adrienne somehow ended up in the centre and Hoseok ended up walking with him since he wanted to be there even less than Yoongi did.

"Hyung.....is that makeup on your shirt?"

"Yeah," Yoongi replied nonchalantly.

"....What happened before we got here?"

"Not today, Hobi."

"Yah! You're cheating, there's no way you could have scored a perfect score on that song!"

"I'm a professional singer, what did you expect?"

Jungkook's smug expression made Adrienne scowl but she didn't have a good excuse to debunk him or enough evidence to prove that he actually was cheating. So she kept her mouth shut and leaned back into her couch as Jungkook ticked one of his eyebrows upwards and handed the microphone to Jimin.

All seven of them were piled into Adrienne's one bedroom apartment and crowded around her small dining table. Originally this was supposed to be a small gathering for Adrienne to get to know them better musically. If she was going to be writing songs for them to sing she wanted to make sure that they, at least, enjoyed what they would be singing. Somehow that reasonable meeting turned into a potluck dinner when she offered to make them a dish from her home country and Jin offered to make a Korean dish she'd never tried before. One thing lead to another and the karaoke machine Adrienne bought on a whim a few weeks ago was dug out of her storage closet and a competition began between the rappers and singers. With Adrienne joining the rappers to make it even.

The initial goal of the evening was long forgotten after they all shared the first two bottles of soju and once Adrienne whipped up a batch of her specialty cocktail to go along with her dish any hopes of actually making music was thrown out the window. She didn't mind, however, she wanted to learn more about their musical preferences and there was no better way to do that than watching everyone sing karaoke. Despite the fact that they were slightly inebriated and gave up singing seriously a long time ago.

"Ah, oppa, I didn't expect you to like this kind of song" Adrienne chuckled at Jin's next song choice, which was the Korean version of a Spice Girls song.

"Wait, you call him oppa but not me? We're both older than you!" Yoongi berated from beside Adrienne.

The slight slur in his words made Adrienne wonder if he was drunk already but he always sounded like that. His eyes were glossy and the apples of his cheeks were a faint red hue but he was still in control of himself.

"Jin-oppa treats me well, you haven't earned that title yet Yoongi-ssi." Adrienne playful replied, making Yoongi scoff and roll his eyes.

"I'm nice to you," Yoongi gasped and leaned closer "I even made a special Korean food for you to try."

"You don't cook," she teased, watching as Yoongi grabbed one of the unopened containers from the end of the table.

"I can cook! Here try this," Yoongi exclaimed and picked up one of the red-orange oblong shaped foods out of the container and held it towards Adrienne. She attempted to take it from between his chopsticks but Yoongi pulled away and shook his head.

"Not with your hands, your mouth."

"I can feed myself, y'know."

Yoongi exhaled and gave Adrienne a pointed look.

"What did you say you wouldn't do today?"

Adrienne pressed her lips together and glanced towards the floor like a child "....Complain."

"And, what are you doing right now?"

"Complaining....." Adrienne answered with a heavy and dramatic sigh.

Yoongi grinned widely, he was enjoying the fact that he was annoying her, even pulling his hand back a few times when Adrienne leaned forward to take a bite. It wasn't until Andy tapped him on the knee that he stopped playing around and scooted closer to her.

"Okay seriously, this time. I won't pull it back." He said as he brought the chopsticks close to Adrienne's mouth, "Open," Yoongi instructed as he gently held her chin between his thumb and index finger to keep her head in place. Almost as if out of habit Adrienne closed her eyes and opened her mouth, allowing Yoongi to slide the rice cake between her parted lips.

"Good girl," he growled in a deep and almost primal whisper, making Andy's eyes pop open. She'd never heard his voice go that deep and the way he looked at her once she finally looked in his eyes made a jolt of arousal run straight through her body.

"Should we leave you two alone?" Hoseok asked, as quietly as he could over Adrienne's shoulder with an innocent grin.

"Shut up," Andy and Yoongi replied, so in sync that it made them both laugh gently.

Over by the television, however, Namjoon wasn't so amused. He had been watching them for most of the night, flirting and stealing glances at one another when they thought no one was paying attention. The way Yoongi always managed to make sure Adrienne sat next to him and how Adrienne always found some excuse to touch Yoongi while they spoke. Namjoon wondered how he hadn't noticed it before but any doubts he had about whether something was going on between them had been disproved that night. He hated that he couldn't feel anything but jealousy when his friend looked happy. 

They were both his friend but Namjoon still couldn't muster up the effort to pretend like he wasn't hurting inside. To save himself from heartache as Adrienne began cackling at a joke that could not have been that funny, Namjoon got up and silently slipped out the door. He hoped that a walk in the fresh air would clear his melancholy thoughts, he hadn't been drinking as much as everyone else did since he had to be responsible. Like always. Even on their days off his role as leader never left him.

"Hyung! Where are you going?" Jimin, who had followed Namjoon out almost immediately after he left, called from behind him.

"Uh, just for a walk. It's getting a little loud in there."

"Ah I see, do mind if I join you?"

Namjoon did mind but he shook his head anyway and started walking forward with Jimin next to him. They walked in silence for a while, the sounds of the city being their only ambiance until Jimin looked over at Namjoon and sighed.

"You know there's nothing you can do right?"

Namjoon paused and tilted his head to the side "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Andy-noona and Yoongi-hyung," Jimin replied in a matter of fact tone, "That's why you came outside isn't it? You like her."

Namjoon thought about lying but there was no point in lying to Jimin, he was always so good at reading people. "I don't want to feel like this but I just can't stop myself."

"That makes sense" Jimin nodded, "But I don't think they're dating, I could be wrong but we would be able to tell if they were actually dating."

Jimin was hoping to be reassuring but Namjoon didn't reply.

"I can't tell you that what you feel will quickly pass but eventually, it won't hurt anymore. Try channeling all that energy into just being her friend. There isn't anything you can do about what she feels." Jimin capped his words with a gentle hand on Namjoon's shoulders.

"Thank you, Jimin" Namjoon answered, accompanying his gratitude with a playful ruffle of Jimin's orange tresses.

They circled the block one more time before heading back to Adrienne's apartment where everyone save for Hoseok, Yoongi and Adrienne were passed out.

"I think it might be bedtime," Adrienne said to the pair once they were back inside.

It only took a few minutes to wake everyone up and herd them out the front door, even with Jin offering to stay and help clean and Taehyung offering to spend the night so he wouldn't have to get up. Before long they were all walking down the alleyway that lead away from Andy's apartment and headed home, except Yoongi who was still lingering around the front door.

"Did you forget something?" Adrienne asked when she noticed her front door was still open.

"No, I... wanted to ask you something."He looked uncomfortable, like he already regretted what he was bout to say.

"Okay."

"Why won't you call me oppa?"

Adrienne guffawed, thinking he was joking but she stopped once she noticed that he was seriously expecting an answer.

"I....dont know? At first, I didn't because I liked annoying you but now I guess I'm just used to saying Yoongi-ssi," Adrienne explained as she folded her arms and leaned against the door frame, "If it bothers you I'll try being more respectful-"

"It's okay, I just wondered if there was a different reason." Yoongi waved her off.

"Are you sure? I don't want to offend you."

"You're not...I like the way you say my name." Yoongi smiled and patted the top of Adrienne's head before running down the alleyway to catch up with the rest of the group who were not waiting for him.

Adrienne beamed, unsure why having him pet her like a puppy made her heart flutter so much as she closed the door behind her. She assumed she was overflowing with happiness with the thought that he might be feeling the same pull that she was. That contentment filled her with joy until she turned and laid eyes on the platters and plates of leftover food that all required her attention.

"Nope, I'm going bed."

[onrainynights]

So I'm about to tell y'all a tale, buckle up. Everything here is 100% true, except names are changed or shortened because duh. Also warning there is slightly nsfw content, nothing explicit and only mentioned but still warrants a warning.

So, I'm 17, almost 18. I'm a high school senior. The story starts almost two years ago, in the fall of 2018. I was a sophomore. One of my best friends, V, was in our school's show choir for the first time, and had made friends with a new guy one year our senior who was also in slow choir. I knew before I met him that he was gay, because V told me. This guy can be called E. One day, he sits at our lunch table and I'm not really paying attention to his conversation with V, I'm just eating my lunch. But then I look up and my first thought when I see him is "eyebrows" because he has really thick eyebrows and then "wow he's actually really cute." He was the first person I was attracted to in over 2 years. I proceed to ask V all about him while admiring him from afar for several months. At this point its nothing more than attraction because I've never really had a conversation with him. Then, in the spring, I volunteered at the show choir competition my school hosted. I ended up talking to him (yay), and he hugs me within minutes of meeting me. One of the first things I ever say to him is "I like your eyebrows." Things are slightly awkward, because I'm an awkward person, and so is he, but it's pleasant. Unfortunately I don't get to spend too much time with him because we both had things we needed to do and there was A LOT of drama that night not involving either of us.

After that point we would talk occasionally but never really got to know each other, UNTIL fall of my junior year and his senior year. By this point I had a crush, but it wasn't more than that and I didn't feel we knew each other well enough to warrant me telling him my feelings. We were both in the fall musical. At auditions, we were friendly. Except he asked me about J, a guy one year younger than me, who was also just as gay as both me and E. The way he asked me "Who is that?" I knew, immediately, that he was attracted to J. He sounded exactly like I did when I first asked V about E after seeing him for the first time.

Regardless, E and me talked a lot more during rehearsals, though we usually kept our conversations light in topic. We flowed well, and he was just as physically affectionate as I was. After a few weeks, I see him cuddling with J during rehearsal, and a friend informs me they started dating. I asked them both questions about how it started—a Snapchat story, go figure. At first I was jealous, but I saw how happy E seemed, and that was all that mattered. But I didn't really know J, like at all other than his name, so I started spending as much time as I could with the both of them. They were a cute couple, I have to admit, but they always did PDA because of J's homophobic family. They only ever saw each other at school.

The first time I talked to J without E there, we bonded. I don't remember over what. The next time, we were alone because I pulled him aside after he made a dirty joke that I honestly couldn't tell if he meant (he did. It was hilarious, and I told him up-front that I wanted to be friends with him. He enthusiastically agreed.) The time after that, it was because I decided he should know about my feelings for E. I didn't want him to potentially find out later on and think I was trying to steal his boyfriend. He was amazingly mature. He said he felt bad for taking E from me when I had liked him longer, but I assured him that E didn't belong to me by any means and besides, J made E happy and that was all I cared about. I think I was already in love with E by this point but I didn't know it yet. J and I joked about my feelings for E whenever we were alone. We got along really well and it was a great time.

One time I cuddled with them, and it was nice, and when E had to get up J and I kept cuddling and talked about how much we both just wanted E to be happy. It was really nice.

And then, closer to the opening night of the show when the set was being built and there were more places to be out of sight, something strange happened. Now, earlier when I said PDA I meant they made out in front of others frequently, and the first time they did anything sexual with each other was in a well-known security camera blind spot in the upstairs math hall after all the teachers had gone home. I know that because J and E (mostly J) liked to tell me about their sex life. In fact, I knew more about their relationship than most people probably did.

So we were backstage one day, when E wasn't needed on-stage much despite playing a main character. There were two prop chairs between the three of us. J sat on E's lap on the chair that had a higher back and I sat as close to them as I could in an office chair. They weren't kissing or anything, just talking.

It was innocent, at first. But then J started working E up, if you know what I mean. It wasn't really uncomfortable for me, because J somehow made me feel ~included~ in their activities. He would whisper something lewd to E, who would blush or say something back, and then would tell me about how affected E was, how hard he was. At some point I think E mentioned not wanting to come in his pants, but I'm not sure. I kinda forced myself not to look into this event after it happened, so the details are a bit fuzzy. Eventually, E made J stop because he had to go on stage soon and didn't want to have a boner while pretending to be straight. J and I talked afterwards, but I don't remember what about, and it was never mentioned between us again. I'm fairly sure that J was a bit of an exhibitionist, and that E wasn't really one but wasn't opposed to what J was doing, either.

Honestly, in hindsight, I'm not sure what to think about this, because I was always so certain they both viewed me 100% platonically, but then they included me in their "sexytimes" without hesitation. In fact, at one point a plan was in place for me to room with them on an overnight trip so that they could do the do without making their roommate uncomfortable. They were both fully aware that I was probably the only person who didn't mind their PDA, and that sentiment may seem incongruous for a love triangle such as this, but I never questioned it. I loved E selflessly, and so it made me happy to see him happy, no matter what—or who—was doing so. Also, I think perhaps I was crushing on J at some point, but I'm not sure. These screenshots are of me explaining the event to a very close friend a few days ago after the shock wore off that I hadn't told her about it as soon as it happened.

At some point, a mutual good friend of mine and E's, who we'll call A, hosted a party for the cast of our musical. I'm not sure if this was before or after the casual exhibitionism incident, but I'm inclined to think it was before.

This party did not involve alcohol of any kind because theatre kids don't need any to make a party unique, wild, and totally unforgettable. It was small, with maybe 20 people at its peak. E and I were there and J was not, because his family thoroughly sucked ass. Anyway, at that party E told me he was in love with J, and wanted to marry him some day. I, obviously, thought that was kinda crazy to say after knowing each other for two months, but I held my tongue because E smiled so widely when he said it. Later that same night, everyone was sitting around a fire, playing a game somewhat similar to truth or dare. Due to a lack of seating, E ended up sitting on my lap for most of the game, which lasted over an hour, my hands around his waist. It was very nice, and when he got up he laughed and said he forgot he was sitting on my lap. He forgot little things like that a lot. I always found it endearing.

Then the show performed and then it was over, and I didn't get to talk to E again until a few months later, and I never talked to J again. Unlike most teens, I do not talk to people online /through text unless I already know them super super well. I hate getting to know people over text. By the time I see E again, because he's the student assistant in my choir class that semester, he and J have broken up. It was messy, and E is hurt. They're on-again-off-again for several months, but I can never forgive J for hurting E, not when he had talked about only wanting E to be happy. Despite that, I wish I could have spent more time with J. He was a good person, but he and E had a toxic relationship after the honeymoon stage, I think because J simply was not ready to be in a serious relationship. (A agrees with me fully on this.)

So E talks with me and a mutual "friend" (we're all friendly but I wouldn't consider this person a friend. Funnily enough, he also had a crush on E at some point, and we bonded over this. Funny how that happens.) about his relationship, and the things he says raise some red flags about J (including J doing something E didn't like during sex and then not stopping when E asked him to. I was very very angry at this but tried not to show it). It became clear to me that their relationship was toxic, but I didn't feel like I could do anything about it. In hindsight, I should have known their relationship was doomed a lot sooner.

Specifically, there was one point during the musical that J had to resolve things with his ex, who was a friend of mine (who I didn't know was queer and wasn't supposed to until E accidentally let it slip.) While J and his ex talked, I cuddled with E and reassured him that everything would be ok. He was convinced that J would cheat on him or get back with his ex. This lack of trust should have been a sign for me, but I didn't realize it until much, much later. I was focused on comforting E at the time and J couldn't have been farther from my mind.

Then, after E and J got back together again for the last time, covid happened, and school closed. I haven't spoken to E since, and no one knows what's going on with J. The only thing anyone knows is that they're not together anymore, and from what I can tell, they're not in contact at all and aren't going to get together again. E graduated, J is at a different school, and despite everything, I miss both of them.

Every day, I pass by a photo of E and A in the hallway of my school, and my heart swells, and I feel like crying. A graduated too, and she's moving thousands of miles away at the end of October for college. E is still living in our town, going to community college, but I never get to see him.

Our school is doing a fall play instead of a musical this year, and E and A are coming to visit and see a rehearsal before A moves away. It could be one of the last times, if not the last time, I get to see either of them. I'm going to tell E about my feelings, because for the first time since I realized my feelings for him were not skin-deep, he's single and not recovering from a nasty breakup. I'm not expecting him to return my feelings, but I'm expecting surprise. I've been very careful up to this point to keep my feelings from him—I thought it would be selfish to tell him when he wasn't emotionally available. A loves the idea—apparently she thinks someone confessing feelings for her after years would be sweet—but I know that if someone did that to me I might not be so happy. I would be shocked and surprised first, and then my reaction after that would depend on the person.

Also, to complicate all of this, I'm trans and he has expressed confusion about that before (poor guy is uneducated in that department, but not bigoted and certainly better than some gay men can be, but I still have no clue if my trans status would deter him from having feelings for me)

My feelings for this guy are deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I really love him, and I know that I'll regret it forever if I never tell him. His visit feels like it's as close to the right time as I'm gonna get, and it might be my last chance on top of that. I don't need him to return my feelings, but I need to know that I did everything I could to take my chances.

TL;DR: I'm a gay idiot but I'm finally gonna tell him how I feel

[scribblepot]

Resolutions

Fun fact: the other day in work I used the word ‘resolution’ in conversation with a customer (in the context of “we’ll be able to find a resolution”), and he laughed derisively and asked if I’d been to university, to be using words like that. Wasn’t quite sure what to say to that one.

Regardless of my lack of tertiary education, it’s probably a bit late in the day to be talking about resolutions, at least in the context of New Year’s ones. Because a New Year’s Resolution, in and of itself, is made for the New Year; in which case, if you made any this year then you’re likely either just about getting used to them as the first month draws to a close, or at this point you’ve already broken them. Don’t worry, there’ll be no judgement here. Every year I resolve to consume one glass of water before anything else each morning, and every year I’ve forgotten by January 3rd.

Other than that one, I don’t really tend to make New Year’s resolutions. If I’m setting myself goals, I tend to do it just after my birthday in November. And even then, they’re not really solid goals; I don’t consider myself to have failed if I don’t complete them. They’re mostly just things that I’d like to do, and would probably have had a better year for doing. I have a list in my diary that I update each year. Of course, new items get added with each update - this year’s includes re-reading the Harry Potter series, getting a kitten (!) and going on holiday somewhere with Phill. And things that didn’t get done from the last list sometimes get carried over to the new list too - I will one day finish writing my book, and take trips to both Ireland (to visit my family) and Bristol (simply because everyone I’ve spoken to who has spent time there seems to love it).

But, perhaps unconventionally, my list of annual goals will always contain a few that are repeats, despite having been ticked off already on previous lists. And these are probably my favourite ones of the lot, because they aren’t about making changes; they’re reminders to keep challenging myself in certain areas, keep on top of the things I already do to make sure I’m as happy as I can be, and not to let them slide. These are the life goals that I’m not likely to beat myself up for failing on after the third day, because they’re not quick fixes for anything; they’re more guidelines to check in with every now and again, to make sure I’m reaching my full potential when it comes to how content I am with the way I live my life.

So, like I said, I know it’s a bit late to make New Year’s resolutions at this stage. But if you’re fretting over the leftover Christmas chocolates that jeapordised your fitness mission, or the sneaky fag you’re pretending never happened the night your vape wasn’t quite cutting it; all is not lost. There are other ways you can keep tabs on your progress this year, in fields you might not have even thought about.

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Maintain a body shape I’m comfortable with. - As you’ll know if you’ve read my Body Image post from 2016, my relationship with my body image is a very up & down one, which is something I’m sure a lot of people can identify with. For years, this point on my list was actually worded “Get down to [X]st and maintain it!” And if I did get down to [X]st, the next goal would be [Y]st … you get the picture. So I never actually got there. I think it was 2016 that I realised how shambolic this was - because, as it happened, I was a stone heavier than [X]st at the time, but felt the most confident I had ever been in my body because I knew that feeling good is the most vital part of looking good. So that’s when the end game of this point changed - because I realised I really didn’t have to put a number on how pretty, sexy, confident or happy I felt. That’s not to say I’ve always kept to this one. The past few months have seen the biggest drop in my self-esteem I think I’ve ever witnessed in such a short space of time, due in part to the fact that I know I’ve gained a lot of weight. So I’m not saying I’m the best example of this, by a long stretch. I just mean that, rather than putting your body through the ringer trying to get the scales to a certain number, it usually pays more to measure your happiness about the way you look against how comfortable you feel in your body, than it does to measure it against that number.

Make a new friend. - I think this one is more important than a lot of us give it credit for. It’s been on my list for as long as I can remember, and it gets its box ticked every single year without fail. Last year, I ticked it when I started penpalling. The year before, I ticked it when I got to know some of the people in my old job (then my relatively new job) well enough to have a giggle with them in the office and get plastered with them at Christmas. The year before that, I got back in touch with someone I hadn’t spoken to for years, and we re-established our friendship. In 2014, on a few occasions I developed surprisingly close relationships with people I hadn’t known very well before, and they still mean as much to me today as they did then. This point isn’t about gathering a new best bud into your circle every year to spill all your deepest secrets to knowing they’ll always have your back. It’s more about making sure you’re open to new relationships, and always broadening your horizons through the people you get to know. I really don’t think you can ever have too many people who you’d call friends.

Learn to cook five new things. - This one is pretty simple. Actually cooking from scratch is a skill I’ve always been lacking in. I can definitely bake cakes, and some of the recipes I’ve improvised and invented are renowned among my family and friends. But there’s a marked difference between presenting an extravagant cake for a specific occasion, and knocking something together for dinner that isn’t passed straight from freezer to oven. So for the past couple of years I’ve made a point of adding this one to my list, just to remind myself to keep on top of a basic skill I probably should have made an effort with much earlier on. (Hunter’s chicken lasagne was a personal triumph last year!)

Read at least 20 books. - Disclaimer: I’m fully aware that not everyone enjoys reading, and I’m not saying that everyone should aspire to a full literary education. Your own version of this particular goal may differ from mine. But reading has been one of my biggest loves since … well, before I could even read, actually. I’m often told by my Mum that she would watch me sitting with a picture book in my lap when I was a toddler, following the print with my finger and reciting my own imagined version of the story aloud in incoherent baby babble. Since I could understand the words and immerse myself in the worlds they build, it’s been my favourite way to pass the time. And it differs from writing in that that’s exactly what it is; not an aspiration, but a pastime. While writing offers the same escapism in the opportunities to get lost in different universes, writing requires me to do the building and take it somewhere, whereas reading offers me a ready-made world to step into. Finishing a book always leaves me with a feeling that’s hard to describe; it’s as if I’ve just gained a new life experience, without ever having to leave the spot I’m sitting in. And I love that feeling with all my heart. So when I write this point on my list, I’m not doing it so that I can say I’ve added another 20 books to my reading repertoire and can therefore legitimately call myself a Reader; it’s to remind me to take time out throughout the year to do something that I wholeheartedly enjoy, with no added pressure.

Have the courage to do something I usually wouldn’t that could make me happy. - This one has to be my favourite. Again, every year it makes the list, and every year it gets ticked. I think the main thing I love about this one is there are no limits to it, neither is there any unreasonable level of expectation for myself. And yet it’s been fulfilled in all kinds of different ways, from just taking a train trip to a city completely on my own for no other reason than to have a day of solo retail therapy, to standing up in front of a room full of people and reading poems I’d written, to applying for a job in London I knew I physically couldn’t take to see where it would get me (incidentally, it got me a response from an agent from the publishing house I applied to full of encouragement despite the fact that I couldn’t take the job on that occasion, which I will always treasure). I think the key part of this point is the wording, because that means I can’t fulfill it just by indulging myself in unremarkable everyday pleasures to make myself happy. I have to push the limits of my comfort zone; decide if something could make me happy, even if there’s a risk that comes from never having done it before, and do it anyway to see if it will. And it doesn’t have to be drastic. It could be something as simple as changing a small habit, and realising somewhere along the line that you feel better for it. Or it could be something on a much bigger scale that will change the way you live your entire life. But whatever it is, it’s something new that benefits you, and you’re learning and growing every time you endeavour to tick that box. And surely that can only be a good thing.

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So that’s it; there’s my (hopefully) non-preachy list of Not-Quite-Resolutions, More-Like-Pointers which might, or might not, be helpful throughout the year. Regardless of whether you’re making or breaking any resolutions, I hope this New Year has treated you wonderfully so far, and will continue to do so. Because, resolutions or no resolutions, you deserve it. ���