#Cue maybe some of the fandom coming after me going HE IS TRANS!!! JUST LIKE YOUR FUCKING AKITO

[rasazys-ramblings]

I think it would be funny if I had made my OC Akito have the same surname as PJSK Akito before I found out about PJSK Akito but no, one is Akuma with an older brother and one is a Shinonome with an older sister WAIT A MINUTE-

[sitp-recs]

Happy happy birthday @cavendishbutterfly! I still remember the excitement and blissful joy of finding your writing through Bridges, which remains one of my favorite Drarry oneshots to this day! I’m so happy to share this space with someone as talented and cheerful as you. Your fics have brought me comfort and warm, fuzzy feelings when I needed the most, and I love your supportive and positive energy towards fandom and your friends. Here’s a humble Cav reclist to celebrate your birthday and spread some love for my favourite gems. Check out that range with so many comfort tropes and ratings, plus the sexy healing and evocative atmosphere we deserve. From short shorts with beautiful prose to an 80k 8th year epic, this list has everything you need to get through one more week. And btw, Cav was incredibly prolific last year and I think everyone should go check their full catalogue right away. Then join me to add your own favorites 🎉🎉🎉

Windy City (T, 1.6k) - one of my earliest faves, such gorgeous prose and a sharp sense of place, the melancholy urban atmosphere is breathtaking. And journalist Harry as a treat!

Harry works hard at this whole journalism thing, even when they send him abroad to do his investigating. He'd just rather be home.

In The Wings (T, 1.6k) - this short is so gentle and healing I could cry, I’m enchanted by Draco’s soft pov and those vivid ballet descriptions, so very dreamy!

Ballet has been a path to healing for Draco after the war. Now, it's his final performance in the starring role, and his boyfriend is in the audience for the first time.

To Make A Way (E, 5.4k) - the fuck buddies cinema AU you didn’t know you needed! Sexy af mixing casual and sweet, organic slow burn and a gorgeous contemplative tone underneath. It’s about the aching!

When Harry finds Draco in the back row of the cinema, he doesn't mean to accidentally befriend him. Or fuck him. Or catch feelings. The thing is, Draco only does casual.

Glowing (T, 9.7k) - the softest vampire cottagecore domesticity you’ll read today, this made my heart melt. So darling and intimate, it felt like I was right there beside them. Flatmates by Cav just hits differently, I’m telling you!

Harry's lived alone and vampiric in his cottage for ages, until a long-lived Draco Malfoy suddenly shows up to answer an advertisement Harry had practically forgotten he'd put in the Prophet. Cue soft blood drinking, quiet nights of reading and crocheting, and Harry thinking that maybe--just maybe--he might not be so alone anymore.

Bridges (E, 16k) - ultimate comfort read with travel roommates exploring Budapest, Harry exploring his sexuality, soft contemplation and poignant conversations. I love how easily this fic flows and the atmosphere is 👨‍🍳💋

Harry and Draco are on a trip to Budapest to help with Kingsley's re-election, but that's the boring bit. More interesting: Harry Potter is changing his Tinder preferences to include men.

The Hardest Hue To Hold (M, 17k) - another incredible love story set outside the UK with a charming academic background and fascinating characters. I love how Cav included different mythology references, and the honest, delicate take on Harry’s trans journey.

Harry needs to get the hell out of England. So he sets up a teaching assistantship in America, hops on a plane, and heads off to a fresh start. Except there’s a familiar face among the university faculty, and it’s really not the familiar face that Harry wanted. Or at least, it’s not who Harry wanted at first.

Inertia (E, 83k) - almost 100k of delicious 8th year enemies to friends to lovers, I live for the angsty slow burn and the exquisite coming of age vibes. Soft and healing and full of hope!

It’s three months after the war. Harry has already mucked up all his plans. Draco is no longer the prince of Slytherin house. And they sure as hell didn’t both mean to go back to Hogwarts at the same time. Cue snarking, long conversations…and unexpected snogging.

[dem-obscure-imagines]

Hogwarts Champion

George Weasley x Ravenclaw!Reader

Fandom: Harry Potter

Note: FUCK JK Rowling. Trans rights are human rights <3.

This can be read as a sequel to my fic, Bottoms Up. Reader has put her name in the Goblet of Fire.

Summary: When you put your name in the Goblet of Fire, mostly as a joke, you never imagined you’d get picked to represent all of Hogwarts. Thankfully, you have the ever-supportive George Weasley by your side through it all.

Warnings: None? Goblet of Fire spoilers!!

Word Count: 1.9k

It was after dinner that Dumbledore announced the champions that were fated to compete for eternal glory. And god, were you not expecting what came next.

“(Y/N)(L/N)!” He called, holding the piece of parchment you’d scribbled your name on in his hand. Your blood ran cold. Your eyes widened and across the Great Hall, you locked eyes with George, who looked just about as shocked as you felt.

“Oh fuck.” You murmured before standing up.

Fred and George were going nuts, cheering very loudly, as was all of Ravenclaw. You walked to the front of the great hall, shook Dumbledore’s hand, and then went back to wait with the other champions. A few minutes later, Harry came down, standing awkwardly before a pack of teachers followed him down. It was chaotic to say the very least, all of them questioning Harry while he stood there floundering.

You didn’t know Harry all that well, but the twins were fond of him. You knew he was a good kid, he just always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You had no doubt this mishap was another case of that.

You listened while they debated and inevitably decided that yes, Harry would be forced to compete, although it didn’t seem that he was down with that decision.

Dumbledore went on to explain that each of you would be allowed to use any natural gifts you possessed as well as your wands for all challenges. He looked at you when he said it and you nodded. That had been your question, too, but you didn’t intend to ask it. You were a little different from the other students at Hogwarts, but it was something you’d kept quiet throughout your time there. Now was the time to unearth it, you realized. Well, if you wanted to survive the tournament, that was.

You left the meeting feeling nervous, but also the tiniest bit relieved. At least you wouldn’t be going through it alone. Fleur already seemed really nice, and on your way up the stairs back out to the Great Hall, she introduced herself.

“It’s very nice to meet you. What house are you in?”

“I’m a Ravenclaw.” You told her, holding up your tie. “I really liked your dance earlier. It was beautiful.”

“Thank you. We’ve been practicing for weeks.” She smiled warmly. When you got back out to the Great Hall, Fred and George were waiting for you, and as soon as George spotted you, he picked you up and spun you around.

“There’s my little champion! Are you excited, love?”

“I’m nervous.” You laughed, your arms settling around his shoulders, your feet still dangling from the ground thanks to your notable height difference.

“You’ll do great.” He reassured, pressing a long kiss to your cheek. “I’m sure of it.”

Fred watched as his brother kissed you and gasped. “Since when?”

“Whatever do you mean, Fredward?” You asked innocently as George set you back down.

“Since when are you two kissing each other?”

“Since you had to go ‘polish your broom,��� you git.” George laughed, slipping his hand into yours and intertwining your fingers. “I am now the proud boyfriend of the Hogwarts champion.”

“One of the Hogwarts champions.” You were quick to correct. You sighed. “I feel bad for him. This stuff always seems to happen to him.”

“Tell me about it.” Harry said, coming up the stairs a little while later. “It’s always me. Why is it always me?”

“Who knows, mate.” Fred shrugged.

“Whatever happens, we’re here for you.” You added, giving Harry a playful nudge. “No one deserves to go through this alone.”

“Thanks.” Harry smiled. “I appreciate it.”

***

“(Y/N).” George peeked into the Ravenclaw common room. He spotted you on the couch, still up studying at the ungodly hour of three in the morning.

You jumped, staring at him for a second before ruling that he probably wasn’t a hallucination. “How the fuck did you even get in here?”

He grinned mischievously. “I have my ways.” He reached out with a large hand, making grabby fingers at you. “Come with me.”

You were more than used to George’s spontaneous antics at this point, so you closed your text book, set your quill in your inkwell, and got up from your seat, slipping your hand into his and letting him lead you through the quiet castle, out onto the grounds, and then down into the woods.

“My brother Charlie wrote me. He’s over there somewhere.” He whispered, crouching in the brush with you as you both watched a group of men handling dragons. “They’re for the first task.”

“Dragons…” You whispered, paling at the thought. Your stomach dropped. “Holy fuck.”

“Figured you could use a heads up.” He spoke softly, his thumb rubbing yours comfortingly. “Harry’s over there somewhere with Hagrid. Ron told him.”

“Thank you, George.” You sighed, your teeth chattering slightly in the cold.

“Of course.” He looked down at you, his expression softening. He should have given you some warning before dragging you into the woods in your pajamas. Almost as though he was acting on instinct, he shed his jacket and wrapped it around your shoulders, kissing the top of your head. “You look good in my clothes, love,” he whispered.

“Maybe I should wear them more often, then.” You laughed softly, surrendering yourself to his warmth, his long arms wrapping around you.

He chuckled and you felt his chest vibrate against your cheek. “That can certainly be arranged.”

You decided in that moment that your favorite place in the whole wide world was right there in his arms.

***

You stood in the tent nervously, pacing back and forth a bit as you waited with the other champions. You had a game plan. You were confident it would work. However, this plan meant you’d have to spill your secret to the entire school and then some and you weren’t quite sure how to feel about it. No one knew. Not your friends. Not your roommates. Not even your boyfriend.

“Psst!”

You stopped cold in your tracks. You recognized that voice.

“George?”

“Hey, love.” He pushed the curtain open a little further and stuck his hand through. You took it quickly, and he squeezed your hand for reassurance. “How are you doing?”

“Not great.”

“You’ll be fine.” He spoke softly. “You’re the strongest witch I know. And besides, I have a good feeling about it. Put money on you and everything.”

“Wow, reassuring.” You laughed, rolling your eyes.

“I mean it. You’re going to be fine out there.”

You took a deep breath. “Think I could…get a kiss for luck?”

He tugged your hand, pulling you out of the tent and right into him. He kissed you softly, one hand rising to brush the hairs out of the front of your face. “You can have all the kisses, love.”

It was when you went in for the second kiss that the camera flashed. Rita Skeeter. Figured.

“Thanks for the exclusive, darling. You can look for that picture on the front page.” She stepped past you and George and into the tent, where the other champions still were.

“Always in everyone’s business, she is. Doesn’t know when to quit.” George scowled, shaking his head. “Sorry, love, I know you don’t like that sort of attention.”

“Well, no, but I’m proud to be your girlfriend, and I got myself into this tournament, so this was to be expected, honestly.” You giggled, but your smile quickly faded. “George…”

“What, love?” Concern found its way onto his face.

“When I’m out there…something is going to happen that…I didn’t tell you about. I need you to promise me that you won’t think any differently of me.”

“Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you.” He spoke softly, leaning in for another kiss. “When it’s over, I’ll still be your proud boyfriend no matter what. Now go show that dragon who’s boss.”

“Champions!” Dumbledore called.

“That’s my cue.” You exhaled shakily, leaning up on your toes to kiss him one last time. “See you out there.”

“Good luck. Not that you need it.” He winked before wandering off towards the stands to reunite with Fred.

***

George wasn’t quite sure what to expect when you told him you had a secret that was about to be unleashed on the entire school, but it definitely wasn’t what unfolded in front of his very eyes. Once you stepped into the ring, they unleashed the dragon on you, and as soon as that happened, two massive feathery wings sprouted from your back.

His jaw dropped. His heart pounded, and in time with Fred, he whispered, “Wicked…”

Fred looked at George and asked, rather loudly. “Did you know?”

“I did not.”

“D’you reckon it’s a spell or a potion or something?”

“Don’t think so…” George shook his head, unable to take his eyes off of you, his badass winged girlfriend as you gracefully dodged the dragon racing at you.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have bet on the dragon, then.” Fred chuckled, shaking his head. “You had the right idea.”

“Oh, I’ll always bet on my girl.” George grinned. He watched you take flight and swoop down, grabbing the golden egg in record time. He cheered loudly, pride swelling in his chest. That was his girl. You were his girl and you’d just outsmarted a dragon. He was absolutely blown away.

***

As soon as the event was over, he found you. Your wings were still stretched behind you, absently moving from time to time, as though they had minds of their own. He stared at you for a long moment, admiring you quietly before he scooped you up into his arms and spun you around.

You exhaled a long sigh. Everything was still normal. Nothing had changed between the two of you. He was still your George and you were still his (Y/N).

“That was unbelievable, love!” His expression was ecstatic, stars in his eyes when he finally pulled apart to look at you. “You were brilliant out there.”

“I did my best.” You shrugged, ever the modest one, even after pulling a feat like that.

“And you won me quite a few galleons I’ll be using to treat you at Honeydukes this weekend.” He reached forward and gently booped your nose with a long finger. “Anything you want, darling. It’s on me.”

“Aww, thank you, Georgie.” You hugged his side, one of your wings wrapping around him.

He was quiet for a moment before finally caving and asking the obvious question.

“So…how do you, um…?” He pointed to your wings. “That.”

“My parents are both Metamorphmagi. When they got together, which is pretty rare to begin with, they had me and their powers kind of fused and gave me, well, magical super powers in a sense.”

“So you can give yourself whatever you want, then?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” You shrugged and your wings shrank back into your body. “Horns, a tail, claws, fangs, you name it, I can do it.”

“That is wicked.” George slung a long arm around your shoulders. “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cooler.”

“What can I say, I’m quite a catch.” You winked.

He tugged you closer to his side and tilted your chin up, pressing a fierce lingering kiss to your lips. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours, his long hair hanging in your face. “Yes you are. And you’re all mine.”

[clumsyclifford]

bella i am eliciting so much impulse control rn and and and. i just. i had to come tell someone this story so here i am . to tell it to u. i hope u strap in for the ride.

ok so let’s go back to like. 2016? maybe? i was still writing r5 fanfic on wattpad. i was 13-14. i would have people dm me complimenting my fics all the time, and bc we tended to be the same age and share interests, that would often lead to conversations beyond just my writing. one such person was this girl named sydni.

she complimented my fics, i did the usual omg thanks i appreciate it. conversation progressed. we would just talk about r5 or misc stuff we were doing. at the time i was also getting very deep into the patd fandom and had started writing ryden fanfic (we all have our demons). by this point her and i had been getting along and talking for a few weeks. we shared interests, and we even found out we were born on the exact same day of the same year which we thought was cool. being the exact same age. so it continued as casual conversation with a newly formed online acquaintance.

now is how the ryden fic writing becomes relevant. she asks what im doing one day. im like. writing? and she’s like oh what r u writing. im like some gay ass fanfic pal. ryden. and she’s like. well i have something to tell u and u have to promise not to get mad bc ive lost so many friends over it. im like okay what is it!! thinking its about to be something deeply personal or like her coming out or something.

she’s like. well u writing gay fanfic is gross and a sin. im like ?????????? what. little 13 year old me did not know she was a closeted bisexual at the time, but she WAS going through that pre-realization phase of FIERCE ALLYSHIP where she was a shooter4thelgbt. anyways we argue. im like Girl shut the hell up with your bullshit single bible verse defense and just accept all people for who they are. she argues that she isn’t a homophobe, she just disagrees with gay people’s “lifestyle.” i tell her she is literally just a homophobe there is no sugarcoating it. things progress. i become progressively less civil and pretty much tell her to just get over herself. 

at some point she starts telling me this story that she thinks will like. be in her defense?? of her brother riding the bus with a trans boy. who he would constantly deadname and use she/her pronouns for despite the boy telling him to stop and telling him to use he/him pronouns. and finally the boy got so fed up with her brother endlessly harassing him that he screamed at her brother. and of course HE was the one that got suspended. so of course she’s telling this story, dead-naming and misgendering all throughout. and is acting like her brother was in the right.

so she gets done telling it. and im like Um your brother literally harassed a trans kid and he had every right to yell at your brother when he finally got fed up. cue another grossly transphobic spiel with me resending every message of hers back to her with the pronouns corrected. me losing my shit and calling her homophobic and transphobic and saying her brother deserved to be more than just yelled at. she spews at me about god created 2 genders blah blah blah. 

at this point i ignore her. we stop dming after i basically just call her gross and then post a public callout about her being homophobic and transphobic on my wattpad message board Aw. time goes on. then i see one day her talking about being mad that one of the members of r5 posted something in support of the lgbt+ community. it was at this point i decided to have some fun. i asked for her kik and was like i just want to have a civil conversation :(

she agreed. i then added her to a group chat with all of my queer online friends at the time. there were probably like 15 of us and they all agreed when i told them the situation. this group chat then like collectively dismantled every one of her arguments and called her homophobic. she gets pissed and leaves. i get vague’d about this.

i move on. i have not spoken to or thought about her in years. tonight my best friend and i are nostalgically scrolling our wattpad dms since its the first place we ever talked and its now been like 7 years since we first talked. she remembers sydni and is like oh what’s her wattpad these days. i joke that i have hope for her now that shes an adult and can unlearn bigoted beliefs (something i said to her at 13. to unlearn all the gross beliefs taught to her by her parents and be her own person), and say i should dm her to ask if she’s still homophobic.

so i find her wattpad. click her profile. see she now runs a 5sos account?? im like oh ew. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. and then i see she has her twitter username in her bio. so out of curiosity i decide to scroll her twitter.

for starters, i am shocked to see she has like 3K FOLLOWERS?? running a 5sos stan account. and then i was like hmmm i wonder if she’s ever POSTED here about being homophobic. i mean, she was pretty open in posting about her bigotry on wattpad. but i mean hey! because like, its been 6 years! we’re both like baby adults now! maybe she’s grown and learned! maybe she like moved out and went to college and realized she was in the wrong! maybe it was like internalized the whole time or something! in my head, i was so hoping i could give her the benefit of the doubt. i would have been happy to see she had changed.

the first thing i see is a rt thats like “harry styles isn’t a queerbaiter, you people just don’t know how to let him have a private life and mind your own business” which like. i agree! real people can’t queerbait so true! pushing celebrities on their sexualities when it clearly makes them uncomfortable and trying to forcibly out them is gross! but knowing her past i was like This feels icky. This screams of her whole past idea of disagreeing with the “gay lifestyle” and essentially thinking queer people should keep being queer to themselves. so then i went further and. well. i was greatly disappointed. i searched her twitter with the word “gay.” in march 2021 she was arguing with someone about how she’s allowed to disagree with gay people’s “lifestyle” because the bible says being gay is a sin. 

i had so much hope for her bella. i truly hoped she would learn and grow. i have too much faith in people </3 um moral of the story is my impulse control is dwindling. i will be logging off of twitter so i don’t dm her from my lurking account and start problems. i have years of receipts and now screenshots of the tweets from just last year when she was 18. i could ruin this girl to her 3k followers. But I Wont. today i use impulse control. today i choose Peace and Love.

in conclusion. don’t follow twitter user @/mcclesyy because well i really don’t care to not name drop. she needs to stay away from 5sos 👹 maybe she’d calm down if she wrote some muke or something 🙄 /j

bella i am losing my fucking mind this was the most insane rollercoaster i've ever been on

[normal-thoughts-official]

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

[thedeadflag]

so this is something I've been mulling over for a while now - do you reckon it'd be possible to make a version of a/b/o that isn't fundamentally transphobic, or would it reach the point of "this is so different that you might as well not call it a/b/o" before that? off the top of my head you'd have to take out all elements of g!p, mpreg, and biological essentialism, and it'd probably be possible to write a version of a/b/o with that framework, but I don't know if I'm missing anything.

a/b/o is a reactionary trope that relies on cissexism-derived biological essentialism to function. Like, that’s the engine that powers the bdsm/power dynamics, cisheteronormative breeding/family building, “dub/non-con”, etc. elements that draw people to it, and led people to create it in the first place. 

Like, my best attempt at describing a non-transphobic, non-shitty typical a/b/o adjacent fic would include:

Werewolves (let’s face it, werewolves can be really cool if written well, and there’s a lot of really good ways to write them, a lot of ways to subvert tired subtropes within the trope)

Found Family-focused family/pack building (because wolves often adopt wolves from other packs into their own, blood lineage isn’t really a thing; much like vampires being created, newly turned werewolves of any age can be considered their sire’s child; if it needs to have a pregnancy arc between two men or two women, there’s IVF/IUI, or magically/spiritually-induced pregnancies, and of course writing a fully fledged complex trans character with their own non-pregnancy arc and virtues/flaws/goals/etc. and getting relevant trans beta writers who aren't your friends to keep it on track if you’re a cis writer)

A flexible, non-binary gendered society (rather than the rigidly structured biology-is-destiny a/b/o society) that’s trans inclusive either explicitly, or implicitly if it’s a new social universe with different rules. 

If mating seasons have to exist, they’re cultural more than biological, and no biological processes that could impede or trouble a person’s ability to properly consent. 

No inherent, glorified or reified power dynamics, certainly none rooted in or fostered through biology. 

That doesn’t seem very much at all like a/b/o to me. It’s a werewolf AU, which is the reason why a/b/o was created in the first place. It wasn’t enough. It needed something more than just a supernatural bent

I’ll continue on below for a bit on some simplified functions of a/b/o, but it’s mostly just some ramblings.

-

Like, to quote the originators of the genre/trope:

I'd like to see Alpha male Jared, and Bitch male Jensen. Jensen is a snotty prude (think Lady from lady and the tramp) he may be a bitch male but he's not just going to let anybody take a go at his sweet little ass...until he meets Jared...then prudey little Jensen turns cock slut for Jared. Bonus points for J2 being OTP, Jensen was a virgin before Jared, and now that they met each other, it's for life.

...

There are three types of men, alpha males, beta males, and omega males. Alpha males are like any ordinary guy with the exception of their cocks, they work just like canines (the knot, tons of cum, strong breeders, etc) The beta male, is an ordinary guy without the special cock. Omega males are capable of child bearing and often called bitch males.

Like, I want you to look at that real close and see what’s going on in there.

This was created to be a trope where there’s a world where women, as we explicitly know them, don’t exist, but where a subgroup of men take up the functional role of the woman in the heteronormative social structure of the world. It’s also not surprising that (assumedly cis) women created and initiated the spread of this trope.

Look at the language used. This is heavily, explicitly gendered for a reason. If you’ve read much of anything about how the male gaze impacts female sexuality, you’ll know a common response is for women to position themselves out of the proverbial frame entirely, so that no part of them can explicitly exist as an object, where they can take on the role of a subject. There’s no women whose experiences will directly link to her own and her own perceptions, comfort/discomfort/etc.

However, many of these women also have been heavily affected by the male gaze and heteronormativity, and that combined with not knowing what a real gay male relationship is like, what it looks like, what experiences might be unique to it...they fill in the blanks with their own conditioning. 

And maybe seeing a lot of that toxic masculinity in media content was unsettling because of how women get treated in that content, and how they in turn might feel in those shoes. But if a MAN, even if it’s a heavily female-coded man, were to undergo that...well, it’d be easier to appreciate those tropes and dynamics they’ve been force-fed to believe were arousing, hot, desirable. Especially if they can have two hot men in it. They can enjoy that self-created taboo, bypass their own discomfort and insecurity, and project it onto a type of person different enough to suspend their disbelief and maintain that difference, even if they’re pumping that guy full of all the typical misogynistic tropes and experiences they’re not comfortable having directed towards them and other women.

In short, it’s a way to get off on heteronormative norms/tropes, using another as a vehicle in order to keep up their cognitive dissonance.

Of course, this eventually spilled out into the Het fandom (makes perfect sense, since many of the a/b/o originators and proponents were het women), and then worked its way into Femslash fandom by piggybacking on g!p in order to meet the necessary criteria for PiV sex. 

Just, in this case, you necessarily shift some of the puzzle pieces around. Trans women take the place of the “alpha”, acting as an acceptable vehicle for a toxic masculine cis man, since lesbians aren’t into men. Even if the trans woman is generally written, in nearly every way aside from part of her body, as a toxic cis man. The original a/b/o’s “Bitch Male”/Omega Male is swapped out for the  Omega Female, usually a spunkier, more in your face version outside of romantic/sexual contexts in the media content, but let’s be real here, she’s still by and large submissive when it comes down to it. 

In a world where more wlw grew up feeling predatory for their attraction to other women, for feeling sinful, for being rejected from female intimacy het women enjoyed with each other after coming out, etc., it’s pretty common for a lot of lesbians to lack initiative, not be able to read or communicate romantic/sexual cues between each other...to essentially be “useless lesbians’ as the joke goes,and to feel isolated and undesirable. 

So writing a F/F fic where some hot woman modeled in the image of some hot cis woman pursues you? Takes the initiative sexually/romantically? Doesn’t beat around the bush, but is blatant? Who can’t control her lust around you? Who can give you the perfect nuclear family you’ve been conditioned to want in order to feel value in our heteronormative world, but were told you weren’t worthy of or could never feasibly attain? Who gives you a sexual encounter you have some education in and some emotional stake in due to common conditioning of PiV sex > all else? Who can give you plausible deniability for a number of contexts due to a lack of ability to explicitly consent? etc. etc.

Like, yeah, that’s going to feel comfortable for a lot out there. That’s going to seem pretty hot/arousing. It’s a way to get off on the norms and expectations thrown on women in society, but in a way that lets them distance themselves ever so slightly from men by shifting it from text to subtext, explicit to implicit.

Don’t just take my word for it, though. Here’s a few snippets from one of the most popular g!p/omegaverse femslash writers (if not the most popular) that help illustrate how/why this trope has found an audience

Why Do I Write G!P?The elephant in the room. It arouses me, but it’s also a form of self-comfort. I grew up in a very fundamentalist home. Women being with women was at first unspoken, and then derided, both by my church and at home. I felt insanely guilty for my attractions, so I developed ‘cheat codes’ to deal with it.

It was okay if the woman I had sex with in my dreams had a penis, for example. It was okay if she forced me to have sex with her. It was okay if we basically simulated heterosexual sex.

Because of my childhood (which included conversion therapy), I found myself falling into heterosexual roleplay patterns, at least sexually. It was a lingering thing from my childhood.

It’s still there, and I know I’ll never be rid of it.

...

I associate penetration with power. You know, being steeped in sexism from an early age turned some problematic thoughts into kinky lemonade. And since I’m a femme sub, taking power away from the top by ‘penetrating’ them can ruin the mood for me. I mean, I can write power bottom scenes with the best of them, and I enjoy them, but… *shrug* if I’m going to write omegaverse or g!p, someone’s getting fucked, and it’s not the top.

There are rules to a/b/o. There are specific reasons it’s sought out, read, and created, and that’s why it’s hard to imagine a version of it without those harmful elements, because the trope requires them for the audience to be satisfied.

It’s why all gay male a/b/o fits a pretty specific pattern. it’s why femslash a/b/o fits a very specific pattern. There’s nearly no deviation as a rule, because there are so many parts that have to be in play and functioning in a specific way in order to get the desired result. 

I could go on for hours about this, and the above is all a pretty damn simplified take of what’s going on in a/b/o for it to exist in the way it does and meet the needs of the audience, and I’ve already written a lot about this in the past, so I’ll try to cut it short here.

[lesbianau]

I'm a trans mtf gal majoring in LGBT/queer studies so I'd just like to add something! English isn't my first language rip so I apologize for my grammar. But there was so much misinformation being promoted yesterday and from what I could tell the op's of these posts were mostly cisgender? Which is so so uncomfortable. The idea of these messages from cis people on gender being cemented in this fandom as the acceptable way to talk about gender is a bit distressing. And from what I can(...)

tell from following you is that you’ve been very respectful about this topic from the posts you reblogged so overall I feel comfortable sharing this message with you. Since it seems like others who tried to do the same thing were met with hostility and anger. So to get to the point, I’d just like to say that from where I stand, with both academic and personal experience with this, er, discourse, is a few things. A lot of people have already said this and for whatever reason(…)

it’s been rejected. Which is bad! Let me make this clear: gender exists as a mental, emotional, and physical spectrum. It’s incredibly complex. A queer person’s experience with gender is their own to put into words. No one else can. This goes for gender identity and gender expression. The reason why it’s such a sensitive topic is because the idea of gender we know know comes from a misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic society. When you assign gender- that is, categorize(…)

(I’m putting the rest under the cut, but this is a very interesting read i highly recommend)

anything at all as either feminine or masculine- you are by default perpetuating those standards. Pink is not feminine, blue is not masculine, sewing is not feminine, woodwork is not masculine, certain manners of speech or dress or walk or physical features- none of these things that are gendered. Society assigned them genders and decided to shape us around it. It is through this idea that queer people experience oppression, shame and violence. It is because of it. And as(…)

long as we continue to live in this society it’s an influence that we cannot escape. It shapes us, our perception and our beliefs on a subconscious level whether we like it or not. To change it would mean undoing centuries of social conditioning on a global scale. It just can’t be done. What we can only do is decide for ourselves our own feelings with gender, sexuality, etc. We weren’t born with the perks of falling into every societal standard demanded of us. As a result(…)

we are forced to examine our identities and try to make sense of what makes us feel a disconnect with the identity we’re told we must have. For some it’s a journey away from those societal standards entirely. For others it’s about finding a more comfortable spot within those norms. There is no invalid way of experiencing this. For gender specifically the experience is even more nuanced, confusing and delicate. This is because the further away one strays from gender norms(…)

specifically the greater the danger. There can be fatal consequences to simply existing as a trans individual. Both from violence and suicide. Because this is what our society perpetuates. So the second any of us project something born from discrimination and hatred onto anyone or anything other than ourselves, we are are honoring what it was meant to do. As a trans woman my experiences with masculinity have been very unpleasant and as such I’m very sensitive about conversations(…)

involving femininity and masculinity. For me womanhood is something I associate with femininity and I can’t break free from my feelings about it. However not all women feel this way. There are masculine women who are joyous in their womanhood and they are valid in their experience. It does not and would never affect my experience nor would mine affect theirs. Unless I came up to her and told her women can only be feminine or she came up to me and congratulated me on(…)

being a feminine man because we would both cause each other a lot of pain. Even if she meant to be nice to me I would be experiencing depression for weeks even though she meant no harm and even if she apologized to me right after. Another example is if someone told me they loved how feminine my demeanor despite having no hips I would probably burst into tears right there! I can’t help but have a very traditional view of gender in regards to my own identity. I’m a feminine woman(…)

who thinks everything I am and do is feminine. But because I can’t afford to transition I feel that I have to be more loyal to societal norms of gender in hopes I can be more passing. I see a feminine woman when I look in the mirror without makeup or my wig. But the world doesn’t see that. I go to sleep a masculine cis man according to society. Hell, I’m a cis man crossdressing in a wig to my neighborhood Kroger when I groceries. Someone might say that to me as a complement(…)

but hearing things like that nearly drove me to suicide in my teens. I can’t think of a more clear example of the harm in societal gender norms. It is a one-sided word. I walk towards the handle and I am given security. I love being a girly girl and wearing pink and wearing padded bras and a wig because I feel feminine and when I feel feminine I feel like a woman. If I were to take all that sitting at the tip of my sword and walked right towards a trans man what do you(…)

think would happen? It’s a terrible thing! If I waved around my sword out in the open- gave my view of gender and interpreted the identity of gender according to my experiences- what do you think would happen? It’s dangerous! And what I see every day with Harry is a lot of sword waving. Yesterday it was an outright sword fighting! When people were saying what made Harry masculine and feminine the only thing they were doing was promoting every homophobic, mysogynistic and transphobic(…)

and traditional societal standard of gender. Harry’s feminine because of this, followed by a statement that is meant to contrast the previous one regarding why he is masculine because of something else. The excuse is that they’re appreciating how multidimensional he is. But what they do is very blatantly categorize these traits as paradoxical. That there is something about the things being mentioned that are different, complex and unharmonious. And(..)

in a way that is the most harmful they make the implication that this is something he means to be. Harry has made a connection with gender and himself and it’s very simple. Masculinity, femininity, womanhood and manhood. The context has always been lighthearded and it has always been consistent. There is ironically no complexity at all. By simply wearing a leopard print suit he became Shania Twain according to his friends. He thoughtlessly talks about being pregnant without(…)

commenting on his gender or biology. So I find it strange that others try to make him out to be so deeply complex when he talks about himself so bluntly! The only way to speak on gender identity and gender expression is to take cues from the other person and stay true to respecting their identity. This is never seems something that’s given to Harry in the way people talk about him. It is the only way you can refer to someone’s gender identity ever. When he is taken apart(…)

and categorized into what is and is not comparable it directly opposes how he talks about himself. This isn’t something that doesn’t do his character justice or undermines what a complex and multifaceted human being he is. I’m a complex and multifaceted person and I only connect with one gender! I don’t like how this always used as an excuse or even something that comes into question. The only way to talk about gender and everything that falls into it is by mirroring(…)

the comments of the individual and those closest to them who are already doing the same. By not doing that you’re stepping into the minefield that is societal gender norms. It’s no wonder the people at the forefront of yesterday’s discourse were met with an entire onslought of outrage. This is how it will always be and honestly should be. People need to learn compassion and understanding and distance if they are trans or not. The great irony is the fight to establish(…)

Harry’s masculinity and the guilt that is demanded from those who don’t mention it the way they do. Not being masculine is one of the rare things Harry’s been very vocal about. Yesterday’s discussion should’ve never escalated the way it did. This is much bigger than fandom. Because what is shared is what you are being told is oksay by the person. If they compare themselves to women and use female pronouns then take cue. If they says they are not masculine then take cure. If(…)

the person shares with you a comment involving themselves within the gender spectrum then this is the only thing it’s okay to repeat. To speak generally is to place your view of gender onto a queer person who will always be listening and who will always disagree. Reading through some of the things from yesterday broke my heart in two. I don’t ever want to see such reckless comments on gender in a fandom full of so many queer people ever again. Wasn’t the outrage and pain obvious enough? I(…)

just can’t believe it could happen when the person they were arguing about has, to me, been more than clear about how they are comfortable being spoken about in their relationship with gender. If my opinion is of any value to people then I hope they listen and make an effort to at least think about something I said in the giant essay I didn’t meant to send you initially rip I apologize for that Kaleigh! I didn’t mean to send as many messages as I must have after all these hours(…)

I couldn’t help but get this off my chest. At least a trans person has had a say in this in a way outside of yesterday’s debate and maybe people will be more understanding of what really went so wrong yesterday. Anyway thank you so much for giving me this space Kaleigh! I hope I worded myself well enough and didn’t accidentally miss the anon button 😭 Have a lovely day ❤💙💚💛💜

hello darling! thank you for sending this to me because while i know a lot of what was being discussed was making me uncomfortable, i also didn’t feel comfortable speaking on it because i didn’t feel educated enough to do so. i’m sorry people made you uncomfortable and you’re so strong for reaching out to educate people who happen to read this. gender/identity is so personal, and people trying to “disprove” certain aspects of someone’s expression just to fit their personal narrative is so horrible and in no way okay in an lgbtq+ space. i love you a lot and i really really appreciate these messages ❤️

[camilliar]

2, 12, 13, 18, 25

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

This got long, enjoy a nice cut:

I wrote South Park fic about Kyle being a trans guy that I really should not have put on the internet. They’re on my LiveJournal if you really want to go on a trek to hunt them down, or I don’t mind telling you where to find them; the only reason they’re not f-locked is that I got requests from people to read them. I don’t know why this is so embarrassing to me; possibly it’s because they’re not, like, good stories about South Park characters so much as they were part of me working through my own shit. (Newsflash, you never stop working through your own shit.) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using fiction, fan or otherwise, as a coping mechanism, or as a tool, or whatever, but these stories are very much just an autobiography filtered through other people’s characters. THAT SAID this is very in-character:

“Do you think there’s a crossword in the magazine?” Stan asks.“I don’t know,” says Kyle, “why don’t you check?”“I love reading SkyMall!” Butters rifles through the seatback pocket until he finds it, tearing it open. “A kitty litter box that’s also a fake plant? Ha! Boy, what will they think of next?”“How long is this flight?” Kyle asks.“Too long,” says Stan; once beverage service begins he notices that his parents buy bloody marys, though it is not even noon yet.“It’s a brunch drink,” Stan’s mother insists, when she spots him staring at her. “It’s noon in Florida.”“We’re still over Nebraska!”“Oh, I’m sorry,” says Kyle, “did you want to have a conversation over me? Because if so we could just switch.”“No!” says Stan, “it’s fine. Sorry.”

I was going to finish a part 3/3 to this series and was so embarrassed that it is, to date, the only fanfic I have ever just totally decided to quit.

What I will say is that I think the kind of trans 101 elements of these dumb fics are the kind of trans 101 “it’s okay to be trans” narratives OMGCP gives props to, so, right topic, wrong fandom, or maybe right personal drama, wrong cultural moment.

12) your weaknesses as an author

In my public non-fandom life I’m great at killing my darlings but I need to do a lot better in fic. I can’t cut 1000 words of sassy dialogue because I know people want to read those 1000 words even if it makes my fic shittier! And the longer the better with fic! Except, wrong, not true, I need to get over this.

13) your strengths as an author

I will not post WIPs anymore. I will not post longform fic that hasn’t been finished and beta read and revised and Brit-picked if necessary. I think it’s worth debating whether this is worth doing at all, because it takes me a long time to write and then revise a lengthy story, and I do absolutely get the value in posting fic serially as you write it; so much of fandom is communal and so much of it is an immediate response to recent developments in the media you’re all concurrent following. But even if I don’t get the instant gratification of waiting for reviews to come rolling in from subscribers, or whatever, I’m so happy with this decision. I hate having the weight of WIPs bearing down on me, and making that a public thing has never helped me. Every fic I’ve put up since 2014-ish has been a totally complete fic that I knew was the best job I could possibly do, and I guess what I’m really saying is that after many years of doing this I figured out how to make it more workable for me and adopted that as a strategy instead of worrying about playing some kooky game.

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

I was so struck by the writing of Alan Hollinghurst that I’m 300k deep on a batshit 1980s AU. I’ve said this elsewhere, albeit not on this blog: at first I really was just trying to ape his style and voice, but what I learned was that there’s more strength in pastiche than in outright parody, and that’s how you write a crossover or a tribute.

In South Park fandom, @hollyhark wrote such pervasively popular fic that I went through a period in like 2014-2015 where I was taking cues from her, trying to write happy endings to stories that ended with like ~*~*happy weddings*~*~ and bloodless resolution. I’m glad I tried this because it was hard and I greatly value an experiment, and I like to push myself, and maybe it helped me understand her writing better? Maybe? But it also just clarified that I’m an edgelord and my fic is pretty bloody and that’s fine and true to my worldview. But, you know, I like a challenge. I don’t think I ever would have done this if not for like, talking with her directly about fandom expectations and formulae.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

I’m not proud of anything so I just spent an hour reading all of my OMGCP drafts and tried to find something that works without a lot of context. This is from a Bitty/Parse fic I may or may not ever finish:

“I’ve been to meet with the coaches,” Alicia says, and Kent believesher. She spends a lot of time away now. She counts on her fingers: “We’ve had afew meetings. Myself, coaches Murray and Hall, their director for plannedgiving and vice president for admissions and financial aid. They want moremoney out of me, I can tell. If they want it, they’d better come up with thingsthey can name after Jack, I told them. They won’t change the name of the rink,I asked.” She sighs. “It’s called Faber. I understand that. Whoever Faberwas—it’s always been Faber. When I was there, it was Faber. Not that I spent alot of time at Faber.” She keeps saying Faberin a heavy way, like she’s angry at the rink or at whoever this Faber was inthe first place, for dying first or whatever Faber did to get his or her nameon the building.

“Jack wouldn’t want his name on a building,” Kent says, as if thismight console her. “He really wouldn’t want people saying his name all the timelike that.”

Alicia smiles, because she knows Kent’s right.“Jack wanted a lot of things,” she says, because—Jack wanted a lot of things,and he got most of them, but a lot of good that did.