#Completely ignoring that he was a victim of emotional neglect and he was so badly burnt from the experience

[thunderberryart]

Admittedly, I do get lowkey annoyed when people exclusively refer to Arthur's problems as "mommy issues" and it's difficult to explain why without writing a mile long post

[bigskydreaming]

I’m almost more bothered by fics that don’t take an actively antagonistic stance towards Dick’s character, because what’s so often viewed as a GOOD storyline for Dick in fanfics is just like.....100% connected to my issues with fanon.

What I mean is this:

So many Batfam fics, even when they think they’re being kind or generous to Dick’s character, treat any relationship Dick develops or demonstrates with Jason in-story as Dick’s redemption arc, for being a shitty brother/person before a certain point.

And then on top of that, a ton of fics that include all the way through Damian by their starting point, then proceed to use any relationship (or attempt at one) between Dick and Tim.....as Dick’s redemption arc, for being a shitty brother/person to Tim at the Robin-Red Robin transition.

And then on top of THAT, you have the Batfam fics that focus on post-Spyral interactions with his family as....Dick’s redemption arc for being a shitty brother/person there, and during the Ric Grayson era we had ‘fix-it fic’ after fic whose idea of fixing it was picking things up at some point after Dick got his memories back and then proceeding to write Dick’s redemption arc for Ric being a shitty brother/person there. And even going all the way back to Bruce and Dick’s era of estrangement before Tim came along, there’s still absurdly so many fics over the years dedicated to....Dick redeeming himself in other characters’ eyes for that chasm with absolutely no effort in the same fics shown towards having Bruce work towards any kind of remption for his own behavior.

Historically speaking, the vast majority of fics tagged as Dick Grayson, stretching back years and still very much present now as well, are almost predominantly ALL somehow some kind of redemption arc for Dick.....

Specifically in regards to events and dynamics which have absolutely no basis (or at most an extremely skewed and one-sided one) in the source material. 

In fact, in the majority of most of the situations Dick’s being ‘redeemed’ for in fanfics, he either did the complete OPPOSITE of what he’s being punished/forced to make up for in fics, such as how his efforts in reaching out to Jason despite his own understandable bitterness stands in direct contradiction of the years of neglect and bitterness towards Jason that fics posit and theorize existed purely so that he has something TO redeem himself for in fics.....

Or then other times in the source material, he’s the literal actual victim of the things that he’s not only being held solely accountable and in need of redemption for in fics, like when he was beaten into going undercover for the sake of his family.....and then has to redeem himself for that in his family’s eyes......or when he was alienated, neglected and gaslit by his family while amnesiac.....and then has to redeem himself for that in his family’s eyes.....

And even in the cases where its SAID within a fic’s narrative (or more accurately, usually its said in the comments sections of fics as fic authors respond to people being disgusted with Dick by saying ‘no don’t be too hard on him’ and offering up justifications for Dick’s actual actions and understanding for his POV that for some reason never make it into the actual text of fics), like, even then, at most these fics TELL us that the flaws of Dick’s that they’re focusing on are understandable and its just human of him to be resentful of Jason as Robin, or overwhelmed and grief-stricken when he made Damian Robin at Tim’s expense, or traumatized and not thinking clearly when he ‘agreed’ to go undercover at Spyral.....

But meanwhile, what the fics actually SHOW us, beyond a few half-hearted defenses of Dick that usually are not at all substantiated by any other characters.....is Dick remorsefully doing the work of making up for the things he did so terribly, terribly wrong and that there’s actually no excuse for.

With this showing being a lot more evident and focused-upon than we ever see fics show Jason working towards earning Tim’s forgiveness and trust for almost killing him, or Damian doing the same, fics just skip past these things entirely to say ‘oh they’re better now’ but like....with Dick....its like the only storyline a ton of writers have any interest in writing for Dick....

Is a redemption arc.

Actively focusing on and SHOWING Dick putting in the work of being apologetic, remorseful, self-loathing, and absolutely committed to doing better by his siblings even if they never actually forgive him - with whether or not he can eventually ‘earn’ his way to a positive relationship with them far from a given - and any and all of his positive attributes or the positives of his actual relationships with various characters all but completely ignored or glossed over, to keep the focus entirely on Dick learning to do better.....

Than the crimes or slights against his siblings that authors first manufactured or exaggerated or took completely out of context, just to HAVE a reason for Dick to need to do better in the first place.

As I’ve said many times before, anyone is free to do whatever they want with fanfic, its an innately transformative medium, but its always going to be significant and worth attention in my mind, that so much of the transformation from the source material when it comes to Dick Grayson is entirely focused around and committed to transforming him from a hero that everyone loves and respects, a guy that always does his best to go above and beyond for family even when he has understandable reasons not to, and the literal inspiration for almost every second generation hero out there, including his own successors......

Into a guy that most people can’t stand, regard as irrelevant to their own careers let alone anyone worth looking up to, and constantly letting people down, especially his family.

All while there’s little to no attention paid to all the reasons in the source material that other characters most definitely have things they’ve said or done to Dick Grayson that need or deserve redeeming for.

Like the physical violence every single member of his family except Duke has inflicted on him at some point.

Or the victim blaming that’s so ingrained into his storylines and reader receptions of his storylines that even the fics that tackle redeeming Jason, Tim, etc for their behavior towards Dick post-Spyral limit this particular redemption to ‘we’re sorry we treated you badly when we didn’t know all the facts’ instead of ‘we’re sorry we treated you badly, full stop’ and ‘we’re sorry we passed judgment without even TRYING to know what all the facts were’ and ‘we’re sorry we display so little interest in your life or your traumas that even now when we’ve been informed you actually died and had to be forced into pretending to stay dead, we have zero interest in exploring if there’s anything else we might be missing if we could miss out on the whole ‘oh you really DID die’ part in the first place, and forget about us actually owning and apologizing for the specifics of how our behavior towards you was unacceptable even if we HAD been right in our interpretation of events.’

Or when mentions of the slutshaming and victim-blaming he endured during the Tarantula and Mirage storylines are limited to just that....mentions made of offscreen characters like Babs or the Titans.....with pretty much no stories I can think of, existing as ‘redemption arcs’ that tackle those characters actually working to redeem themselves for their behavior and trying to earn back Dick’s broken trust in them. Its usually just Jason and/or others finding out, telling Dick ‘hey your friends shouldn’t have done that either’ and then going off and murdering Mirage and Tarantula, the end, because....that fixes everything?

And forget about Bruce redeeming himself for his behavior - the way he works to put in the effort and fix things in so many ‘Jason returns to the family’ fics - but even when actual mention is made of the things Bruce HAS done wrong to Dick or needs redeeming for, its mostly just waved off as ancient history that he’s remorseful about but there’s no apparent need or effort to focus on Bruce putting that remorseful energy into action and actively on the page trying to bridge the gap he created in SO MANY storylines, again and again and again. ‘Bruce is just like that,’ a lot of stories shrug, about the time Bruce made Dick actually feel unwelcome in his own home and forced him to be the one to leave, unlike the way ‘its unacceptable for Dick to be like this’ energy is applied to stories about Dick forcing Tim to leave Wayne Manor....an action that has to be invented for a story’s purposes, of course, given that in the actual source story, Dick relocated himself and Damian to the penthouse anyway, and Wayne Manor was open and available to Tim and Dick never so much as implied otherwise.

Or look at how the adoption issue so often plays out....with it treated as though Bruce finally adopting Dick in adulthood just ‘fixes’ all the angst before that point, like it just overwrites everything he felt or experienced before and up until that.....with very little fandom energy paid to neither just castigating Bruce for not adopting Dick earlier or acting like adoption is a magic all-better now band-aid, but rather examining that both these things can coexist, and Dick can be happy and relieved and pleased to finally have the adoption he not-so-secretly wanted, even if only in adulthood, but that doesn’t mean the mental and emotional upset of his later teen years when he really, really, really could have used that declaration of being family rather than just a ward....like, there’s room for that to have still taken a toll and be worthy of awareness and regret on Bruce’s part, not for taking so long to adopt Dick, but for the damage Dick felt and suffered through BECAUSE of it. 

Its not even about vilifying or punishing Bruce for this, because ironically, like....redemption arcs aren’t actually supposed to be just about punishment or whatever? Its about acknowledging where wrong was done and GETTING what that means for the person who was wronged.....even if it can’t be undone.

People can get this when its Dick being written as having the redemption arc.

So where the hell is this understanding of what actual redemption MEANS, when its Dick that other characters have things to make up for?

The funny, ironic, cognitive dissonant thing about Dick Grayson in fanfics, is the vast majority of his appearances and storylines all somehow come back towards being his redemption arc in some way or form.....

For the made-up or exaggerated fanon crimes applied to him in fic, but that HE’S usually the actual recipient of in canon.

See, its not an obsession with canon that’s the reason for the disconnect between Dick Grayson fans and the takes favored by fans of most other characters.

Its the fact that the transformative energy of fanfiction, in his case, so often is utilized to give HIM reason to tackle the redemption arcs that OTHER characters owe HIM, but that so many of these fans don’t WANT to write their own faves being subjected to.....because they’re fans of these characters as heroes. They have no interest in reading or writing their favorite characters redeeming themselves for actions or behavior they personally don’t view as in character for them.

.....with the cognitive dissonant part in particular, being the way so many of these exact same fans turn around and express shock and bewilderment that Dick’s fans are simlarly uninterested in wanting to read nothing but their favorite character redeeming himself for actions or behavior we personally don’t view as in character for him....because it usually isn’t, according to the original stories BEFORE fanfic transforms him from victim of other beloved characters into victimizer of them instead.

And lol, many of us don’t actually want to see him as victim of other beloved heroes either! We’re in agreement there! Its why we come to fanfic instead of canon in the first place....to find stories where he’s not casually and regularly mistreated by other characters we like. But instead we usually only find stories that take everything people don’t want to see other characters doing to him, and making him do it to others. That’s not an improvement for us, lol! That’s just taking one problem and exchanging it for another. 

Flipping the script to make Dick the victimizer instead of other characters only fixes things if the only concern is making sure those characters aren’t seen as victimizers.

The really annoying part is how so many people can be so clear and cognizant of not wanting this for their own faves....yet are surprised, dismissive and disdainful of Dick’s fans....expressing the EXACT SAME FEELINGS.....about our own fave.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Winner’s Curse Ch. 22

“Please please come in quickly,” the honorable wizard Yen Sid urged Uma, barely muffling his own coughs from the dusty air of Judge Frollo’s “house.” Quite ironically or perhaps more telling, Judge Frollo’s abode was the basement of a brothel. A cruel twist of temptation or perhaps a house of convenience since it was no secret that Frollo indulged in his hypocritical desires while preaching at his imaginary pulpit during the day.

But Uma wasn’t here to hear how she was destined for hell. It was night, the perfect time to meet the rest of the Anti-Villain Club while Frollo was away.

It felt like the situation was getting more dire the more time past. Amplified by the restlessness Uma felt because they weren’t getting anything done!

Sometimes Uma wanted to give in to her temptation to just dump the Auradonians for themselves. They didn’t really offer her any information or skills that she needed. Plus, they were slow at best. Uncaring and disobedient at worse, far more concerned with their own problems and feelings. They didn’t know how to work with a team or for a cause other than themselves.

Such royal behavior. Must be nice to put your moods first when your need for food, shelter and safety were never in question.

So it was a breath of fresh air to meet with the Anti Villains. Though they did not give her the assuring efficiency of her pirate crew, they were still Vks, her people. And she would need all the allies she could get if they were to stop the Coven.

Yen Sid gestured to the faded rug with, of course, an image of a man bleeding and crucified while a red devilish monster stabbed at his torso with a pitchfork.

Frollo’s erstwhile, rebellious daughter, Claudine took the head of the rug with Diego De’Vil and Yzla on both sides of her. Harold, Jason, Hadie, Big Murph, Hermie Bing, Eddie Balthazar, Celia and a blonde girl that Uma didn’t recognize rounded out the rest of the circle. Uma took place across from Claudine and Yen Sid stood by, pacing around.

“What news can you give us?” Yen Sid asked, starting the meeting abruptly.

Uma hadn’t noticed when Yen Sid signalled to her from the alleyways but the elder wizard looked even older. He was hunched over, not from age but like there was an invisible yoke on his shoulders. His face was riddled with new lines of wrinkles, stress and fatigue. And he was pale. So pale.

Uma had seen that sort of sickly paleness before. The sheen of sweat from a non-existent flu. He looked like death. The Isle after 20 years was starting to take its toll.

Though Uma had no personal attachment to the wizard nor did she care for his method of teaching goodness so Vks would be accepted in Auradon, when they should be accepted because they like any other person should have a home without abuse or poverty, she respected what he was trying to do. He didn’t see them all as one mass of worthless deviants to be scorned and ignored. He could have stayed in Auradon, doing nothing like all the rest of the so-called good guys, but he didn’t.

And this place was slowly killing him.

This place was going to be the death of all them if Uma’s revolution didn’t work.

Uma cracked her neck, inhaled and began to brief them, even though her report didn’t offer much encouragement that their plans were going to be successful.

“Our communications link with King Ben no longer works thanks to the Isle’s crappy service. However, we were able to inform him that the invasion is taking place in less than a week before we were cut off.” “Circe is officially on our side and will assist Yen Sid on more complex, powerful spells against Nerissa and the others.”

“The rest of the Coven-” “Believes.. Well actually tolerates the idea that you and Calix are still loyal. Lala still is on their side but Jade thinks she can convince her to switch again. Zevon and Ginny are lost causes. But you are going to round up your crew, and Harriet’s crew for extra manpower.” Yzla interrupted, and shrugged at Uma’s glare, “Jade told me.” “Ah yes.” Uma pursed her lips, shaking it off to not act too ruffled. She had been aware that Yzla and Jade were close but she didn’t particularly like that they were discussing things without her. That’s how plans got overturned. And people were overthrown.

Uma pushed that thought away as too paranoid. After all, they were all here for the same thing. Escape, not power.

“Yes, so you already know that. I do believe we will be able to persuade the rest of the Isle on our side.” “Wait the rest of the Isle. Like you mean some other kids right? Or the Hun gang. Not not the whole Isle?” Eddie asked. “I meant the rest of the Isle. The adult henchmen. The orphaned kids. The Huns, the mercenaries, the prostitutes. Anyone and everyone who has no power or big villain names.” The rest of the club looked at turns confused, intrigued and disbelieving at her.

“They are like us. They gain nothing from the Coven gaining more power. They get everything if they helped the revolution. No more oppressors. And a promise from King Ben to take all of us off the Isle to better housing, new jobs and actual food. A better life.”

“Whether Mal likes it or not.” Uma added internally. That had been the one thing she managed to speak to King Ben about, and surprisingluy he agreed wholeheartedly. He had seemed horrified when she described the living conditions that children dealt with. The way teens had turned to violence among other things to survive their abusive parents. He didn’t think he’d be able to convince Auradon should be abolished completely. Big villains would probably stay indefinitely. But he was welcome to her suggestions for programs to hep Vks.

“That’s why I need your input. King Ben is putting me in charge of VK Integration Programs and I want to know what we need.” “Uh, that’s nice. A truly Christian thing to do,” Claudine sneered saracastically, she had always been the most doubting of anyone having good intentions what with who she had for a father, “But shouldn’t we get out of here before we plan any VK Integration Programs?”

“This is part of how we are going to persuade the rest of the Isle to help us,” Uma smoothly bridged the two disparting ideas, “We need solid plans with how, what, when. Something solid and real that people can imagine and believe in. When the other Vks and adults hear of these programs, these programs that are as real as when King Ben invited the Core Four, they will be willing to fight for their chance to get in. They will rise up against the Coven so that they could be free.”

Claudine and Diego still looked suspicious, but Jason, Harold, and Big Murph practically had stars in their eyes. Hermie was smiling shyly and Hadie was tapping his chin thoughtfully. He was the first to pitch in.

“I think there should be something for the victims of Hans and Lars.” Everyone turned to look at him which caused the spiky-blue haired teen to flush and clam up. , Uma nodded empathetically, “Continue.” “Well, I mean-uh.Well we all had it bad. But Prince Hans is another level of bad. I went there once with dad for one of Staylan’s parties and I lurked around and man, that dude is nuts. He has photos of his “harem” all “sexy bruised” and stuff. And Lars…”

Uma narrowed her eyes. She didn’t need Hadie to elaborate on Lars. Gil had already told her everything she needed to know about the icy sadist. It was a term that was generally thrown around for an island full of villains with bloodlust, but Gil described the sickeningly calm way Lars acted. How Lars almost described it in seductive terms the way a whip would constrict a person’s throat until the breath left them. The calculating gaze he’d watch the ones he picked as “lovers.” Apparently a sadism that he picked up from his dad.

“Yeah, everyone knows Drizella is his favorite. Poor Dizzy.” Eddie shook his head.

Dizzy had always been left alone with her grandmother, Lady Tremine, but Uma had always assumed that Drizella, like almost all the parents on the Isle, was neglectful and uncaring. She hadn’t thought that Drizella may have been dealing with her own things.

And why wouldn’t she? That was Gil’s mother had to go through everyday with being Gaston’s unfavorite. While Uma was more concerned with the kids on the Isle, she could see now that some adults may need help too.

“Great. Center for sadist victims. What else have we got?”

“Do we have to go to school if we go to Auradon? I just don’t think I need it. My band is doing pretty well and I bet those royal dorks never heard music like mine.” Diego mock-shredded on his guitar

Uma cocked her head. She got his point. She didn’t think there was anything Auradon Prep had that could teach her anything useful. Like smizing as she heard from Celia Faciliar’s letters from Freddie. Plus there were some teens near adulthood like Harriet who probably wouldn’t want to be forced into classes when they could get jobs. Same with adults who never learned to read in their lives and still didnt want to.

“I’ll talk about it with King Ben. What else?” Uma said.

“Food that isn’t covered with flies. Fresh food, not trash.” Hermie said.

“Uh that’s just a given. None of their food is rotten.” Celia told the lithe brunette before Uma could clarify that good food comes with the territory.

Several ideas were thrown around, but the main ones came down to food, homes away from the possible revenge of their parents and others, and none of the Goodness 101 that Celia heard Freddie taking.

“Great. Now the important thing is that you spread the word of these programs to the other. You have to make people want this badly enough that they will fight. Act like its their only chance because it is. From there, I will send my crew to organize them to key points and learn some better and dirtier fight tactics.” Uma announced.

The rest of the Club nodded somberly at the announcement. There was not much emotion from Uma’s command. No relief, excitement or even nervousness. Just a numb sort of nod that they understood. But the words, “This is your only chance,” clearly rang in their heads.

It was now or never.

Everyone slowly got up to leave, thinking their own thoughts except the blonde who slipped to walk next to Uma, expertly slinking through the alleyways.

“Hi, um, I know we haven’t met before but um.. I’m Cosette.” The literally dirty blonde introduced in a fake high voice, clearly highlighting her nervousness, “I’m Gaston’s daughter. Gil’s half sister? You know Gil right? I mean, of course you do. I’ve seen him and everyone knows he hangs with you. I’m sorry I’m babbling. It’s just this is all so new-”

Uma stopped walking so she could give her her full attention. Yes, now that she stopped to actually look at Cosette, she could see a bit of the resemblance. The blonde hair, the high forehead and cheekbones. She looked older, maybe Harriet’s age, though her ample chest peeking from her corset gave the impression of a woman in her 20s. Unlike Gil, she didn’t have the usually confused look in her eyes. Just scared.

That look heightened Uma’s protective instincts. The helpless usually did that, as unvillainous as that was, plus the Gil resemblance.

“Why haven’t I heard of you before?” Uma asked skeptically even though she was pretty sure Cosette was honest.

“Um I’m a girl. Dad wouldn’t acknowledge me. Actually he tried to throw me away and try again which is why Mom left and… it seemed safer to avoid him. But- but I heard from Celia about this Anti-Villain Club when I went in for a reading, and Celia said you’d come so I thought I’d ask you. You know, for permission.” Uma thought. The story was realistic enough. But there was too much to do right now to focus on a family reunion. Unless…

“I will. You have my word. But first, how good would you say your fighting and/or spying skills?”

[screechthemighty]

FR Octane is 100% one of those characters where I can see all the building blocks of WHY he behaves the way he does, but also acknowledge that his behavior is...Bad, it’s not great. And guess what, I accidentally wrote an essay about it if anyone cares! (Listen, I paid a lot of money for an arts degree, if I can’t over-analyze everything then that money was wasted, humor me) ETA: also if you’re thinking of dragging me for this post, please read this first and consider not doing that.

 We’re going to be looking at two big aspects of his character for this analysis. One is more subtext than actual text, but since all the evidence is there (and, if how they handled Wattson’s autism is any indication, will likely never be canon regardless of all the evidence) we’re just going to treat it as canon for the sake of argument. The other one is paracanon which, to be fair, isn’t as canon as “evidence actually in the text”, but again, for the sake of argument, we’ll treat it as such.

Fact the first: Octane, most likely, has ADHD. From the way he behaves, I’m assuming it is either undiagnosed OR he was never adequately taught how to manage his symptoms. The most relevant symptoms to this discussion are his seeming overreaction to Lifeline teasing him (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria being a common ADHD symptom), his persistent and VERY canon inability to handle boredom, and his equally persistent and canon poor impulse control (especially related to the boredom but in this case it also goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned RSD).

Fact the second: He grew up in an emotionally neglectful and dysfunctional home--his dad had multiple re-marriages (and lbr, probably was cheating on his current wife with the next wife every single time), he was raised more by an assistant who didn’t care to learn his wants and needs, so on, so forth. IMHO, this fact does explain both his larger than life personality AND manipulative behavior. If he stands out and acts out, he gets the attention he craves. If he’s manipulative, he can actually get what he wants/needs from the uncaring adults in his life. He behaves badly because of childhood trauma.

So, with all of these facts in mind, here’s the sequence of events:

Octane is relegated to a task he considers painfully boring (keeping in mind that boredom is one of the worst sensations for the ADHD brain). He is forced to stay in said task by an authority figure who doesn’t listen to his input about what he’d rather be doing or what tasks he might be better suited for.

On top of that, he is teased by someone he considers a close friend (practically family by his own admission) in a way that a) makes light of the situation he finds uncomfortable and b) compares him to an “accountant”, something that is anathema to what he wants to be. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria kicks in; the comment becomes genuinely hurtful and not just slightly unfunny but well-meaning ribbing.

His intolerance for boredom says “no, we’re not doing that task anymore, let’s go do the fun thing.” Poor impulse control and no buffer to mitigate the effects of poor impulse control say, “the first thought to pop into my head is right, let’s get that dopamine!”

His manipulative tendencies say, “If I make a big fuss, do something stupid, and let Ajay know it’s partially because she was mean to me, then she’ll understand that she hurt me and feel bad about it.” Unresolved trauma means that he doesn’t even THINK to communicate that to her, which would be the HEALTHY thing to do but likely not a method that has ever worked for him in childhood. Instead, he leaves an emotionally manipulative letter and peaces out. 

As of right now, we don’t know what the ULTIMATE outcome is (my money is on him getting his ass kicked TBH). But the IMMEDIATE outcome is that Lifeline feels responsible for something that isn’t her fault and now she and Gibraltar are both going to be put at risk of getting hurt. Octane has also put himself in a position where he’ll probably be hurt. This isn’t going to end well, is what I’m getting at.

NOW. Here’s the thing. The two facts I listed up above are not his fault. Him having ADHD? Not his fault. Him not getting the right help he needed as a child? Not his fault. Him growing up in a dysfunctional environment that had a negative impact on his emotional and interpersonal development? DEFINITELY not his fault. Everything about his behavior based on those two facts makes sense, and I’m not gonna sit here and act like he’s a bad person for being a neurodivergent abuse victim.

But, to paraphrase the very smart Jessica “How to ADHD” McCabe, it may not be his fault, but it is his responsibility--in this case “it” being how he treats other people, which is very much within his control. I get WHY he did it, but he IS being an absolute ass to Lifeline for the second time (that we know of), and that IS wrong. He HAS to learn at some point to not be like this. It’s already temporarily lost him a friendship, and it COULD get him or someone else killed this time around. He’s a grown adult, and despite my/the fandom’s jokes, he does have all his brain cells. At some point he’ll have to realize he can’t treat people like this and adjust his behavior.

To be fair to Octane, I completely understand and acknowledge that getting help and admitting to the things clogging up your brainspace is incredibly hard. Trust me, I have firsthand experience with this one, and my problems are small potatoes in comparison to what’s going on with him. So he’s not necessarily a bad person for not having taken those steps, especially because I’m still not sure he REALIZES he has a problem. Now, if he knew that he was hurting people and continued doing so because “that’s just who I am, they’re the ones who are wrong, actually” against all evidence, then that IS him shirking his responsibilities to other people and himself and I could criticize him for that. But I don’t think he’s at that point yet. Right now he just seems oblivious, which, yeah, we’ve all been in that position where you’re oblivious to your problems even as they’re slowly burning your house down (I cringe looking back on childhood me exhibiting early anxiety symptoms that went unchecked until now, when I’m well past college age).

I also think it would be helpful if someone told him in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner that his behavior is worrying and was able to help him get to that place where he can realize that himself and get help (not saying they should bear the majority of the emotional weight, AM saying that he seems like he needs the extra help and that’s valid, all things considered). Unfortunately...pretty much everyone in Apex Legends is their own flavor of messed up and they ARE in the middle of a crisis, so they’re likely either unable to see it or unable to help because y’know, lot going on.

In conclusion: I say none of this to demonize Octane? I say it because a) I think his character is really neat, flaws and all, hence me referring to him as a “problematic icon”, and b) because I think it does a disservice to his character to ignore his flaws. I don’t want him to be turned from a complex character with a lot of neat stuff going on to an uwu tortured sad boy who’s never at fault. I haven’t seen anyone do that YET (everyone seems to love him for being a trash baby and that’s valid), but, y’know, doesn’t hurt to start the conversation preemptively.

(QUICK sidebar that I didn’t think of until I was tagging his: his privilege as a rich child from a rich family definitely is a contributing factor to his behavior and another stumbling block to him getting help for a lot of reasons? I won’t go into all my thoughts on this because that could be its own essay but tl;dr Rich People often don’t believe in consequences as it is and don’t like to admit to being wrong, and some of this definitely wore off on Octane and is exacerbating the rest of it.)

[diddlydarndoodles]

More brainstorming for the Change your mind AU

Steven recognizes White’s gaslighting/abuse as such cause he knows what healthy relationships are like/has a frame of reference he can refer to, so it’s easier to work through it. He also assurance that he is not Pink Diamond, and one(1) friend there with him, so he’s not entirely without support.

None of that makes it any easier—this entire situation plays directly to all of his insecurities, and spending every second of every hour of every day trying to justify your existence to an Alien Tyrant while she bombards you with thinly veiled verbal abuse is incredibly exhausting.

Steven starts to hate White Diamond a little after she kills Connie, and his resentment builds slowly over time. He first noticed during a convo where pink Connie was venting her own anger about White, when he caught himself mentally agreeing with her. He immediately felt illogically guilty about it.

As the constant back and forth with White drags on, it gets harder for Steven to find the words he wants to use to explain his points, and White pounces on his every little slip up, and makes a fuss over minor mistakes and derails his entire argument as he struggles to keep up. It gets so frustrating and exhausting that talking becomes too difficult/painful for him to handle sometimes.

Connie was badly affected by the experience as well. White didn’t pay much attention to her, but when she did she treated her like an toy or pet, and used her presence to belittle Steven. “Aw, don’t you think you’re too old for comfort items, Pink?” It’s degrading and humiliating, and Connie’s self worth takes a bad hit. She’s completely powerless in this situation, and it’s hard not to fall into despair. She finds that focusing on Steven makes it easier. She can actually help Steven, even if it’s little things like telling him stories to cheer him up, and she doesn’t have to think about her own tumulus emotions. Because of this she starts neglecting herself. She almost slips back into the mindset Pearl instilled in her in ‘Do it for Her/Him’.

Steven and Connie don’t immediately think of contacting Lars after Connie turns pink because they’re both busy fending off the constant mental barrage White is heaping on them. It’s only after white attempts to mind control Steven that the fear and anger overpower the exhaustion and doubt enough to let them focus on one thing—getting the hell away from there.

Also at first Steven tried to convince himself that he had to stay and put up with this to save his friends and help White/out of a misplaced sense of responsibility for his mother’s actions/to take the attention off Connie, always dancing around the lingering doubt that persisted in spite of everything, that maybe he deserved this, that maybe what white said was true.

Connie and Steven are able to escape because White’s shock over her powers failing on Steven distracts her long enough to give them an opening.

Lars managed to sneak back in to the palace to rescue Peridot, lapis, and Bismuth, who had all been poofed.

White still gets redeemed, because tbh there’s no possible way Steven could win this otherwise. He’s got Connie, Lars, The Off colors, Lion, his dad, nephrite and the barn residents with him and White has multiple bioweapons, both Blue and Yellow under her control, and an army. However, it’s a longer and much more arduous process to redemption here because Steven, justifiably, Very Much Does Not Like White, whereas in canon he was more neutral towards her.

This means that Steven’s goal wasn’t to reason with her or convince her to stop, he was trying to deal with a threat and rescue his friends. This also means she came to the conclusion that what she was doing was wrong on her own, and the one to offer the olive branch.

Despite his anger, Steven accepted her peace offering because he was tired and scared, hated fighting and knew he couldn’t win. However, he and his friends refused to make any sort of agreement with White until she released the other diamonds and the Crystal Gems from her control.

Connie and Lars bond over being pink zombies.

Steven and Nephrite are both now ‘off color’ and so are immediately adopted into the Off Colors

Connie, Nephrite, Lars, and Greg co-found the Steven Quartz Universe Protection Squad. Lion is the mascot. All of Steven’s friends eventually join.

White mentions Spinel to Steven and Connie at one point, so they are able to find her and explain things way earlier, and with some Trusted Adults present as back up. The events of the movie are avoided.

Steven is also more motivated to check up on White’s other victims, and gets to know Pink Pearl a bit better than in canon.

After a long time and a lot of trial and error, Steven builds a fragile rapport with Blue and Yellow. However, he avoids white like the plague unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Blue and Yellow distance themselves from her as well, because when you mind control someone for a month they tend to get angry.

Blue and Yellow try a lot harder to better themselves, because now they’re not just doing it to get on Steven’s good side or atone for their treatment of Pink. Now they know what it feels like.

White tries a lot harder to atone after seeing how her actions have alienated her entire family and caused them to distance themselves from her. She never really mends those bonds, but she makes new bonds with new people. She doesn’t let ‘earning my family’s forgiveness and approval’ be her motivation for improving herself.

The thing that white struggles with the most is understanding that she hurt more people than just Steven and the other diamonds, and that their pain is equally important.

After everything is over, Steven and Connie seek therapy.

Garnet helps them with that once she’s free

Effects this has on steven: selective mutism(sometimes talking is a bit too much for him), still outgoing and social mostly but requires periods of solitude, cares more deeply about establishing boundaries for himself and others, has a harder time emphasizing with people(he has a severe emotional breakdown once this is pointed out to him; it takes him a while to recover and realize that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing)

Effects this has on Connie: separation anxiety, for a while she can’t handle even playful teasing because it reminds her of white’s insults. As stated earlier, she almost backslides into her toxic mindset in ‘Do it for Her/Him’. With white her only goal for a while was to protect Steven no matter what it took, and she started to view her own life and self as worthless. She represses and ignores a lot of her own trauma because she doesn’t want to think about or discuss it—when she’s just talking normally she can talk about herself and her interests freely, but when asked about homeworld she always focuses on Steven, because (it’s easier than thinking about her own experience) it wasn’t THAT bad, she wasn’t THAT affected, and what Steven went through was worse.

Lars snaps Connie out of it by replying it wasn’t that bad?? You died!”

[circe-poetica]

Natal Venus Neptune aspects

All Venus-Neptune aspects in the natal chart point to a movement towards spiritualizing the love nature. This comes naturally to those people with Venus-Neptune conjunct, sextile, and trine. It can be an ongoing struggle for people with Venus-Neptune square, opposition, semi-square, sesquiquadrate, and quincunx.

Venus conjunct Neptune

Those with Venus in conjunction to Neptune in their birth chart are generally sensitive, creative, and attractive people. An impractical nature when it comes to love, money, and personal possessions is notable, even if Venus-Neptune people approach the rest of their lives in a more sensible manner. They are giving, and usually “give” more than they receive in close personal relationships, ready to make sacrifices for the one they love, generally loyal, and exceedingly kind-hearted. Sentimental and compassionate, natives with Venus conjunct Neptune are easily touched by others’ kindness, music, poetry, dance, and most any art that evokes emotion. Some might say they are gullible in love, as they are inclined to forgive easily and trust that others are as good-hearted as they are. They may attract people who take advantage of their giving nature, or who elude commitment, or who are troubled or needy.

As ready as they are to forgive, they are also easily hurt, and even shocked, in matters of the heart. They dislike crude, rude, and crass behavior and situations. Still, they are drawn to love relationships like moth to flame. Their imaginations and fantasy worlds are rich, and Venus-Neptune people believe that there is something out there for them, even after disappointments. There’s an ethereal or mysterious quality to them that is subtly seductive and very attractive. As loving as they are, there is an ethereal and universal quality to their love that keeps them oddly out of reach, yearning for something magical and ideal, that can make their lovers feel strangely excluded–their love almost borders on impersonal. These very creative people are often artists.

Alternate Interpretations:

^Love is the force that shapes and sustains your life with Venus conjunct Neptune. Your romantic nature inspires you to believe in the ultimate possibilities of love, and you may have very definitive fantasies about loving. When you’re in love, your compassion knows no bounds. You may feel that you could sacrifice anything for the man you love, and sometimes do. Yearning for a soul mate, you expect the same high ideals from your partner, although you may not always find them. Your emotional boundaries can be quite flexible, which allows you to feel what others are feeling, but which can also be confusing when you’re trying to determine what’s going on with you individually. You may not always feel confident taking the initiative in love, and may spend more time fantasizing about possibilities than you spend acting on your desires. You need a love which honors your spirituality and sensitivity, and need to safeguard against falling into situations which would abuse your kindhearted care and concern. From the Astrology Profile for Women report.

*You are very romantic, idealistic, and imaginative about love. You yearn for your “true love” or “soul mate” and may become disappointed in others who never quite live up to your dream image of the perfect lover. You frequently fantasize about love and often fall in love with someone you can only love from afar. You may avoid making a definite personal commitment. Gentle and sensitive, you do not like to be approached in a very direct or aggressive manner. You are attracted to those with artistic or mystical inclinations.

#You tend to fool yourself where change is concerned. Thus, you are able to drift into and out of spiritual grace without even knowing it. Don’t mistake erotic dreams for the energy of tantra, and distinguish your personal desires from the teaching itself. From the Your Spiritual Path report.

Some Famous People with Venus conjunct Neptune: Kirk Cameron (Venus conjunct Neptune in Scorpio), Pierre Cardin (Venus conjunct Neptune in Leo), Diahann Caroll (Venus conjunct Neptune in Virgo), Jimmy Carter (Venus conjunct Neptune in Leo), Paul Cezanne (Venus conjunct Neptune in Aquarius), Bill Clinton (Venus conjunct Neptune and Mars in Libra), Bo Derek (Venus in late Libra conjunct Neptune in early Scorpio), Jodie Foster (Venus conjunct Neptune in Scorpio), Sophia Loren (Venus conjunct Neptune in Virgo), Robert Redford (Venus conjunct Neptune in Virgo), Christopher Reeve (Venus conjunct Neptune in Libra), Meg Ryan (Venus conjunct Neptune in Scorpio), Cheryl Tiegs (Venus conjunct Neptune in Libra), Barbara Walters (Venus in late Leo conjunct Neptune in early Virgo).

Venus square or opposition Neptune

This aspect indicates a suggestible romantic nature. Being “in love with love” is a strong possibility. Natives with hard Venus-Neptune aspects are naturally compassionate and are generally willing to go over the top for a loved one. It’s hard to say whether their expectations in personal relationships are too high or too low. On the one hand, they tend to easily accept behaviors in their partners that others wouldn’t accept, as they are compassionate and even drawn to people who others might consider trouble. On the other hand, their romantic dreams may be so powerful that they are easily disappointed with the reality of relationships. Deception in love is possible, but self-deception is even more likely. In love, they see what they want to see, rather than what is. Feelings of being used or deceived may come up for these people more than for most. However, if a distinct pattern exists in their love lives that involves them being let down, deceived or used, it will be especially worthwhile to examine whether self-deception was at work.

The possibility of clinging to romantic delusions is very high with this position. For example, some with these aspects cling to a romantic notion that someone loves them when in reality that person doesn’t return the affection. Or, they may cling to a romance that has lost all hope. Another possibility is devoting their love to someone who is unattainable or who is unable to commit. Yet another Venus-Neptune scenario is loving someone who treats them badly, all the while clinging to an idealized image of the partner. No matter what the scenario, romantic yearning and longing, as well as delusion, tends to be the theme. The expectation here is that loving someone requires self-sacrifice. The result is an attraction to relationships that are co-dependent and even abusive. Venus-Neptune people are drawn to victim/savior relationships, and they can play either the role of victim or savior! Dependency or neediness in a partner can be confused for love. In an attempt to love unconditionally, they may too readily sacrifice their own needs and eventually feel used.

The challenge for these people is to truly love a partner for who he or she is, not for his or her perceived potential. Because they yearn to be loved, it can be hard for them to see that they are actually afraid of a complete, committed relationship. One symptom of this fear is loving someone for an idealized image they have of that person, as they are effectively choosing fantasy over reality. Another symptom is loving someone who is inaccessible or unattainable, as this keeps them “safe” from a true and realistic commitment. At the root of this fear is the awareness of their own vulnerability in love.

Venus rules money as well as social relationships, and a person with hard Venus-Neptune aspects can just as well lose money due to the tendency to gloss over problems. Just as they tend to ignore warning signs in personal relationships, they can let money slip through their fingers because they neglect to keep records or account for their belongings. They may have problems with “borrowing from their future” because of overly optimistic attitudes. They may continuously get the short end of the stick as they lend money to people who never pay them back, or invest in unrealistic projects.

Alternate Interpretations:

^In square aspect to Neptune, your Venusian expression takes on an otherworldly quality. Your yearning may be for that perfect lover whose spirituality, passion, purity of spirit and drive all stem from the highest possible level. Loving in such a manner would seem to remove you from the bondage of ordinary life and transport you into true bliss. Although this seems possible in fairy tales or movies, it’s really difficult to find those elements in another human being. You may also operate under the illusion that you must first sacrifice yourself before you are worthy of love. It’s all too easy to project unrealistic feelings onto your lover, and it is just as tempting to try to alter yourself to please a man so that he will love you. Whether those alterations are in your behavior, your appearance or your attitudes, if you submerge your real self beneath the illusions of what you feel will make you more lovable, you’re selling out. If you want to experience the ecstasy you dream about, you’ll surrender to a love which honors your real needs and learn to avoid situations where you become addicted, co-dependent, victimized or abused. Forgiving the shortcomings of the man you love is one thing; allowing him to deceive or victimize you is another! Know when and how to give help, but be careful of emotional rescue ventures!

^Your projections about the man you love frequently overshadow the real person with Venus in opposition to Neptune. Even though you may not want to admit it, you are more likely to see only what you want to see when you’re in love. That feeling of being transported into another world when you’re in love is actually quite accurate. But it’s not the guy who’s gotten you there all by himself – it’s the energy inside you that allows you to soar! It’s not easy to separate your dream lover from the real person standing before you. You may always project some of your own power and tenderness onto the man you love. As long as you can allow the reality of the person to emerge into your field of vision, you stand a chance of having a relationship which can truly serve both your needs. Otherwise, you may fall into the trap of delusion, deception or emotional abuse. Just because he’s the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen, it may not necessarily follow that he is what you really need – or that he’s REAL for that matter! In all your attempts to become as beautiful as possible, just to make sure that the right man will be attracted to you, you can also lose yourself. You really do not have to sacrifice yourself to know love, but when your heart is filled with love, you’re willing to drop all your boundaries and merge completely. There’s a difference between a soul connection and codependency or emotional addiction. It’s drawing the line that’s difficult. By allowing for periods of privacy and contemplation, you can maintain your connection to your own inner self, which will allow you to keep your emotional boundaries reasonably intact.

Alternate, short interpretation: Venus square Neptune or Venus opposition Neptune: *You have a very romantic, idealistic vision of love and may be disillusioned to discover that no real, flesh-and-blood human being ever quite lives up to your dream image of the Perfect Love. Though you frequently fantasize about love and romance, you may avoid becoming intimately involved with anyone or making definite commitments. You can be evasive and dishonest with yourself and others, when it comes to love. Some of your love yearnings may be expressed through art, music, or an involvement with mysticism.

#Sexual relationships tend to arouse your idealistic nature and may have little foundation for a long-term relationship. Once past the initial stage of love however, your imagination fuels the flame of intense spirituality and you are capable of ecstatic insights. Mystical practices can enhance your sex life. From the Your Spiritual Path report.

Some Famous People with the Venus in Hard Aspect to Neptune: Squares – Loni Anderson, Pamela Anderson, Joan Baez, Nicolas Cage, Danny DeVito, Charles Dickens, Robert Duvall, Jane Fonda, James Joyce, Stacy Keach, Diane Keaton, Marilyn Manson, Marie Antoinette, Stevie Nicks, Al Pacino. Oppositions – Sonny Bono, Michael Bolton, Mia Farrow, Alison Moyet, Uma Thurman, Venus Williams, Debra Winger, Tammy Wynette, Jessica Simpson.

Venus sextile or trine Neptune

Romantic, creative, gentle, and adaptable, people born with Venus sextile Neptune or Venus trine Neptune naturally express the finer qualities of mysterious and dreamy Neptune in their love relationships. Their imaginations are rich and their fantasy worlds well-developed. They are turned off by rudeness and crudeness, and are drawn to beauty in its many forms. They are very giving and generous, but may be a little on the submissive side, or sometimes downright lazy, failing to take the initiative when situations call for it.

The trine aspect is the more dynamic of these two harmonious aspects. Those with the sextile can call upon these traits when needed, and those with the trine between the Venus and Neptune have incorporated the traits of the aspect into their personalities, expressing them naturally and consistently.

Alternate Interpretations:

^When you love, you love deeply and completely. With Venus in sextile aspect to Neptune, you have the capability of surrendering totally to the essence of Love. Your gentle, caring manner attracts a partner who will desire to love and protect you. You know when you’ve found your true love, because something deep inside you opens up and transports you. Although you have some tendency to hold unrealistic expectations of those you love, you do it in such a caring manner that people are surprised by apparently miraculous changes. You may know when it’s time to forgive and move on, which allows you to remain open to feelings of joy even in the midst of change. Your devotion to high ideals also plays a part in your love relationships, and you are capable of sustaining a love which originates at a very powerful level and which will last through eternity.

^Your romantic nature is enhanced through the influence of Venus in trine aspect to Neptune. When you’re in love, you create at atmosphere of magical possibilities which transport you into another dimension. Love can be a purely transcendent experience for you, since you are capable of opening your heart to a true feeling of compassion. Your gentility, creativity and artistry can be especially attractive, and when you’re involved in a loving relationship, you are comfortable sharing the secrets of your heart. Allowing love to flow as you follow its course is quite natural for you, and you will be happiest in relationships which support your sense of divine harmony. Forgiveness and acceptance keep the energy of love flowing freely. From the Astrology Profile for Women report

Venus sextile Neptune or Venus trine Neptune: makes an inspirational musician. It gives a fertile imagination and deep emotions, a nature that is pure and chaste, hence occasionally it leads to platonic unions and companionship of the most ecstatic nature. From The Message of the Stars by Max Heindel.

#Your receptive nature allows you to gather information from your surroundings through psychic osmosis. Study situations to get past the shallow mystical veneer. From the Your Spiritual Path report.

Some Famous People with Venus in Harmonious Aspect to Neptune: Sextiles – Lucille Ball, Joan Crawford, Jeremy Irons, Jesse Jackson, Geraldine Page, Gregory Peck, Peter Sellers, Donna Summer. Trines – Hans Christian Anderson, Richard Dean Anderson, Beau Bridges, Anita Bryant, Carol Burnett, e.e. cummings, Geena Davis, Bridget Fonda, Robin Gibb, Maurice Gibb, Larry King, Gladys Knight, Nick Nolte, Ivana Trump.

[themoonwatchess-blog]

Hiraeth - 1

Chapter 1 - Laughter In The Tombs

Word Count: 3665

Warnings: Minor gore, swearing

Hiraeth; homesickness for a home you cannot return to, a home that maybe never was, a nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

Hiraeth. That's all I feel now. I'm too caught up in the past to focus on the present tense, not that it matters anyway. My life is full of running, running from the monster I have become. Every month leaves me in a new city, a new place to call "home". The nostalgia of my past life haunts my sleep. I yearn to be in my real home, to be back in normal life, but that life will never come back, for I have ruined it.

Boney fingers outstretched and touch crumbled and faded words embedded in granite. Years of neglect had left the stone blackened with muck. These words have seen years of pain and sorrow but have also seen many generations come and go. One day we will all have this slab of granite above our heads, it is certain. We all die, it is the one thing guaranteed in life, yet we fear it more than anything. I retract my hand from the stone, letting the feeble appendage fall into my lap. A cold wind blows through the public cemetery, a shiver quakes down my spine as I sit in front of the oldest gravestone that rests below the oldest oak tree. The words engraved into the stone are nearly illegible, only someone who had been there for the corpse's burial would remember the name etched into the stone. A shame, but just like the gravestone, we too wither and fade away.

"You do know it's rude to step on a grave, right?" A voice from behind calls out. The words are soft, the slightest murmurs of a giggle finish the sentence. I lift my head ever slightly to get a glimpse of the man who greeted me. He was short and skinny, head shaved clean and the hints of tattoos tease along his shirt line.

That was my lover, the man who I love more than anything, Chester. He had stuck by my side since, well, the whole beginning. At times, he's too caring. I always feel like I end up hurting him, yet he stays. I beg him to leave, to find a better life, but he insists he's happy with me. I hate myself for loving him too much, for letting him stay... but at times, I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

"Hello to you too, Chester," I reply back, "Didn't think you'd find me."

"I always do," He audibly exhales before sitting against the old oak tree, "You need to have more faith in me."

"I do have faith in you," My face remains stern, eyes fixate back on the stone, "Do you ever wonder about these people?"

Chester is too busy picking at a hangnail that irritates one of his index fingers when the question is posed. Dumbfounded by the question, he simply quirks a brow at me in response. There are no other people around and I guess I'm not too blunt about who I'm referring too.

"The—" Chester begins but is ultimately cut off.

"The dead people," My eyes dart away from the stone just long enough to stare daggers at Chester, "D'ya think they lived happy lives?"

"I dunno," He stands from his spot against the tree trunk, wiping his pant seat from the dirt he acquired upon sitting there, "I'm sure they were happy, Brad. No one is miserable forever."

"Well—" I open my mouth to say something, but decides otherwise and shut it quick. Chester furrows his brow, a frown tug at his lips as he watches me closely. He knows internally what I want to say, I can tell by the way his eyes droop down along with the corners of his lips and he overall begins to slouch in appearance.

"I love you," Chester breaks the sudden awkward silence, "I don't think we're miserable."

Another round of silence, I feel my lover's eyes drawn on me. My heart thuds in my chest, the steady beat rings in my ears as I utter the words in my head. We are miserable. No one deserves a life like this.

"I think we are."

I state the words bluntly, completely ignoring the words of affection that my lover professed. Chester's lips purse, a sigh leaves his throat as the atmosphere grows tense. We were miserable, life had turn cruel towards us many moon cycles ago, but at least we were lucky enough to be miserable together if you would consider such thing a blessing. Long have we abandoned our fragile and tender nature, instead, we adopted the sternness and unlovable appearance after losing our own humanity to an otherworldly curse. I had fallen victim to a curse— changed me, both physically and mentally. I became a creature of legend, a werewolf. I would be a wolf in sheep's clothing if I continued to live such a human way of life, even now it seems I desperately cling to the one thing that makes me feel human; Chester, my lover for many of years before the curse was bestowed on me. It is all I have left, the only thing that keeps me from becoming an animal. I close my eyes, breathing deeply as another gust of wind blows through.

"Let's just.... let's just leave." Toneless words speak up against the sound of the wind but fall on deaf ears. Chester must be tired of having a conversation like this nearly every month, I hear him sigh again before he impatiently begins to walk in circles. He's itching to leave, I think.

"Where are we going to go?" Again, I don't even have the decency to look at the other man.

We had already traveled halfway up the west coast, it seems almost inevitable that we would run out of places to hide. We were nearing the border of Oregon now, California has already felt our taint. What will we do after we finish the West Coast? Go into Canada? The Midwest? It seems like it would only be a few more months before we would have to figure it out.

"Um," Chester sucks on his teeth, "Etna."

Our only option was to run. I had become numb, detached to the feeling of leaving once again; it was only worse to get so attached to a city. I let my head hang down, my shoulders slouch at the words. Chester steps forward prudently, cautious of disturbing me.

"How long is the drive?" I perk up, dark eyes follow up Chester's skinny figure. Our eyes lock, the standing man offers a sympathetic smile as we look at one another.

"Three hours, I'd think," Chester extends his hand to help me up, though I don't take his offer. I help myself to my feet. The bags underneath Chester's eyes weigh heavily on him, their dark image reflect the thousands of tears he shed and the years of pain that besets him. I hate myself for doing this to him, at times I wish he would just go back to his normal life and leave me to rot here, "We can leave today."

"Today?" I reply with a groan. My eyes wander back down to the gravestone I had been so fixated on before Chester arrived. I suck in my lip, letting my teeth bite down in the dried skin. I pick at it for a few seconds while I begin to wander in thought, a red streak of blood paints the waterline of my bottom lip now. The metallic taste draws me back to reality.

Emotional inertia besets me, overwhelming guilt fills my cruelly treated heart. Thoughts wander all over the place, barely leaving a second of thought to peg out the irrationality of some of my thoughts. My brain just draws illogical conclusions, making me believe that I am someone to be feared, that I don't deserve love. However, another part of me pulls towards my humanity, begging me to retreat back home with Chester.

"I don't wanna leave," I speak breathlessly, my tongue wets my lips, the metallic taste of the crimson liquid is all too common of a sensation for me, "I'm— I'm tired of running."

There's a moment in which we both just stare at one another wordlessly. Chester's mouth hangs agape for a hint of second before he scours for an answer to give me. My legs tremble with my sudden jolt of anxiety, again my mind rolls through an infinite number of irrational outcomes to this conversation, most of which end badly.

"We don't have any other choice, Brad," His words run sour, "Just— I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

"I— I'm sorry... for... for everything..." I crumble with those words, Chester immediately swoops in to wrap my frail figure in a hug.

Life is hard, but we are stronger. I can't keep going without his support. All we have is each other. Chester's lips grace against my forehead, he mumbles something incoherent as his arms travel up my back in a soothing manner. I am vulnerable now, but at this moment I know I am safe in his arms.

"Don't," He squeezes my frame, "It's okay."

I lean into his chest, sniffling against the black fabric of his shirt. We stand in the middle of a cemetery holding each other as a bitter autumn wind continues to rumble through. His arm continues up my spine till they find a spot to rest on top of my shoulders, another kiss plants itself on my sweat-dampened forehead.

"Why don't we head to the car?" He asks me quietly, he is torn down by hearing me bite down a whimper.

"I don't— don't wanna leave yet," My words come out jumbled and fight against the urge to sob. He squeezes me tight again before finally letting me go. His arms drop to his side, unsure of what to do.

"We won't leave yet," He reassures me quietly, "We can... we can just go get something to eat, you get emotional when your stomach rumbles."

"I do not--" I protest his little joke, forcing a quick smile as I reach up to wipe my teary eyes, "But some breakfast does sound good right about now."

He giggles as a smile tugs at his lips, he reaches out to take my hand. I let our fingers interlock, his hand is cold and clammy, nauseating at best, but I love him nonetheless. His cheeks dimple as he catches me studying our intertwined fingers, he playfully sticks out his elbow to shove me but I dodge his petty attempt for a laugh. Hand in hand, us two walk together towards the well-worn cemetery gates. The metal fencing is rusted and starting to corrode, vines cover most of the surface area now. The front gate reads 'Hogan Cemetery', underneath is a small engraving detailing the year the cemetery was founded.

"So," Chester looks over at me as we walk, "Did you know that guy?"

"What guy?" I furrow my brow at his question which in turn causes his smile to drop into a frown.

"The--" He shakes his head quietly, "The dead guy, Brad, you were sitting there for a while, touching his tombstone and shit. Please tell me you knew him or else we're gonna get cursed."

"Why'd we get cursed?" I ask stupidly, "I didn't know him, though, no. His gravestone just... had an energy to it."

"If you step on a grave, they say that person'll haunt you," I snicker at how worried he sounds. He was always one to believe every conspiracy he heard and would stay up at night after I told him half-assed ghost stories that I would make up on the spot. Those were simpler times then when we had the time to be young and dumb, "If we wake up dead tomorrow 'cause you pissed off a dead spirit, I'm gonna beat yer ass in the afterlife."

"Shut up," I roll my eyes, "Have you ever even seen a ghost? Much less one that can hurt you?"

He looks up at me with eyes wide open, his face is drained of color and his body goes frigid. I roll my eyes again, this time I'm sure he's watching me. He opens his mouth to say something, popping his lips together for added effect.

"There was a ghost in our last motel room, in-- in Red Bluff," He's bluffing, I can tell by the way his eyes can't sit still, "Scared the shit out of me, I tell ya."

"Whatever," I extend my free hand and forcibly shove him, he yelps stupidly, acting like I just hurt him, but we both end up laughing it off together.

We pass under the cemetery gates, leading us into the parking lot. It's quite out today, the only other car here is owned by the cemetery workers, I guess because we didn't see anyone visiting some dead relatives out there. Chester leads me to our beat-down but still ass-kicking, Camaro. The paint shines a pristine white against the early hour of sunlight. She was a birthday present I got Chester back before we had to run, he always used to gush about how he wanted an old Camaro with white walls and pitch black glass windows. I wonder if he still likes the car as much as he used to.

Our hands detach from one another, we crisscross each other to get to our respective side of the car. Chester never lets me drive, not like I really care, I'm a terrible driver anyways. I look over at Chester, his fists around in his pocket for the car keys, after an eternity of me pulling on the door handle, he finally manages to pull out the small key. He pushes the unlock button and the car chirps a sound to signal that it unlocked.

~ ✦ ~

The diner, named 'Mama's', was our second stop for the day. Chester chose it because it was on the way to our motel room. He's still pushing for us to leave today, I finally agree with his decision and decide it is time we leave Redding.

The diner is full of churchgoers, their fancy suit and ties and dresses stand out against Chester and I's ill-fitting and (most likely blood) stained clothing. One man's suit catches my eye, his hair, though matted and greying, rests strongly against his shoulders; the red undershirt from his suit brings attention to his face, illuminating the dark features. It reminds me of my past life again. No, I wasn't a churchgoer, but I did attend Temple every Saturday that I could. I remember having Chester stir me awake one Saturday morning, griping about how I'd miss Temple again.

I, of course, abandoned my religion when I became a lycanthrope, but there is still a psalm that holds true to my heart. "They bend and fall, but we rise and stand firm." I always would speak that into the air right before bed, more so since my affliction. I always have hope that maybe He would save us, would forgive me for my actions, but G-d is cruel. Cruel like his own creations.

Chester and I get seated together at a window booth. The hostess smells of cheap wine and cigars and for a moment I curse my lycanthropic sense of smell, as all I can get a whiff of is her flavor of cigars— and they smell (and taste) cheap. Chester shoots me a look, obviously catching me wrinkling my nose as our hostess walks off. I wave him off, mouthing an 'it's nothing,' to him so he doesn't become a worry wart.

There's a small television bolted on leverage above our booth. The screen faces me. A sudden face pops up on the screen, drawing my attention. It's a family photo of an old grandfather, his face is painted with sunkisses and scarred with wrinkles. He looks vaguely familiar, I zone in on the news report about this elderly man. 'Missing Person,' the headline reports, 'Last seen August 30th,'.

Then it clicks.

A vision of a hunting bolt into my head. Visions of the beast I was a moon cycle ago. I know this man, he had fallen victim to that unholy creature; to me. Another vivid memory comes to mind, the morning after that big hunt in which my body was painted with gore and dried mud. His lifeless, nearly unrecognizable body lay next to mine, the trauma of the event must have caused me to block it out from recent memory. Now though, reawakening, I remember the day after more and more clearly. I remember Chester helping clean the crimson lifeblood off my sickly pale skin, I remember him saying a mantra of how 'you couldn't help it'.

My head suddenly finds itself buried in my hands, I cradle my head as I come to terms with what I've done. Now I know why Chester is itching to leave this city... because I've killed again. I feel my lover's hand extend and touch the top side of my hand. His fingers are cold, colder than mine. I peek my eyes through the crack in between my fingers only to be greeted with a soft smile.

"It's gonna be okay," He speaks sweetly, "We're leaving after this."

I don't respond, I can't respond to him. How can he let me live like this? I close my hands tight, covering the rest of my face from his sympathetic gaze. A waitress walks by with a coffee pot, she stops over our table and asks if we want coffee. Chester nods and mouths 'please'. I'm still angry with myself to speak and my obvious unwelcoming presence drives her away before she can even ask if I want any. All I want to do now is leave.

Chester drinks his coffee loudly, making a slurping sound as he sips. The atmosphere grows tense again, I had been nothing but rude to my lover today. Sensory overload hits me full force, my ears fixate on the sound of Chester's lips touching together, the pitter patter of children's feet, and the overall noise from the diner causes my head to throb. I dig my nails into my temple, hoping to gain some clarity. Those cold hands touch mine again, gentler than before.

"You're hurting yourself."

"I—" I drop my hands onto the tabletop, my eyes lock with Chester's, "I'm sorry. I'm just—"

"You're hurting," He takes my hand in his, "Why... Why don't we just leave? We can grab something to eat on the road."

I stare at him without making a sound. Slowly my head begins to nod, Chester simply smiles in response. He thumbs around in his pocket for his leather wallet, pulling out a ten dollar bill and leaving it on the table for our waitress. He always tips excessively. Together, we leave our window booth and head towards the entrance to leave. A few of the churchgoers stare at us as we leave, their eyes send a chill down my spine, it reminds me of how impious I have become. The entrance to the diner chimes as we open it to exit, the bell above hardly stands out against the clammer from the people talking inside.

The parking lot is, as expected, packed full of fancy cars. Clouds loom overhead, their dark visage contrasts greatly to the morning sky. An ill omen, I think. An omen that a storm awaits us in our life, that we will be caught in a hurricane of distress soon. One of the clouds glows with lightning, purple streaks rumble against the clouds and a boom of thunder follows. Maybe this might be a good thing, maybe the rain will wash away my sin and let me start anew. Maybe that is the omen.

"Are you gonna sit there and cloud gaze all day or are we gonna leave?" Chester calls from the driver's door, a cocky smirk imprinted on his lips. I crinkle my nose, though I don't outright say anything to him.

With my head hanging from my shoulders, I walk over to the passenger's door of the Camaro. I open the door, ready to leave, but instead, I look towards the sky again. Clouds now cover over the sun, yet its light still beams. I finally let my gaze drop and I sit down in the passenger seat. Chester puts the keys in and starts the motor. We waste no time leaving the diner and heading towards the interstate, I-5, it leads all the way up to Washington State. We don't even need to stop at our motel, we always keep our belongings tucked away in a holdall in the trunk.

And so, here we are again. Riders on the storm, running from our troubles. Chasing the sun, as it's our only solace from the night. One day, we will stop, one day we'll run out of road to travel. One day we will be free from this prison... but not today, not anytime soon.

"Hey, uh," Chester speaks up as we merge onto the interstate, "When we get to Etna... maybe we should sit down and have a, uh, a fancy dinner? Somethin' dim-lit, maybe have an expensive wine?"

"If you can scrounge up the money for a fancy dinner," I smirk quietly in his direction, "We can go. It's been, what, like... six months since we've been able to go, huh?"

"Yep," He smiles lowly to himself, "I think we deserve it."

"I think so, too."

For a moment, I feel... at peace. I'm reminded of how much I am loved, how much Chester fills me with joy, even in these trying times. We run, we leave everything behind and start anew, but at least I'm doing it with him.

[scripttorture]

I have a bit of a situation in a fanwork I'm writing, one of the characters (H) has undergone a weeklong period of isolation. For most of that time he is isolated, and for the first few days he's been deprived of food and water. However, midway through this, H had a biological cycle happen that made the people holding him deeply uncomfortable. In this universe, people form strong emotional bonds to each other (which these characters have) and are incredibly reluctant to hurt another (1/?)

(2/?)and these characters, who were already questioning this decisionimmediately feel uncomfortable. L doesn't want to stop the tortureitself but does want to to d it down in severity (H had tried tomutiny against them and severely injured a non bonded crew member soshe wants information) but D thinks they should stop it as much aspossible. L puts D in charge of bringing him rations and eventually Dsympathizes with H to the point where he convinces L to stop itentirely, but because(3/?)of H's bad self esteem in regards to said biological process, he'saverse to people touching him during this time and literally screamsat D to leave him alone on multiple occasions and nearly cries at onepoint. This biological process is also usually a sex trope, and Hends up kissing D a short time afterwards but freaks out the secondhe starts thinking clearly and threatens him with a weapon. It is ofnote that they've had a fight over H and his position in society b4,but grew(4/?)past that and were close friends up till H attempted to mutiny. Thisis based off of events in canon, and given the organization they workin (and the fact that there's multiple mutinies handled this way) Isuspect that isolation is protocol. H has worked for thisorganization for awhile and would know this, and even be equipped forhandling aftermath as a medical officer. Given his position in it hemight also know how to handle aftermath on himself (if possible). Myquestion is(5/?) how would this affect H (he has previous trauma andis naturally untrusting and has difficulty making significantrelationships), as well as the relationship between the characters,given that they end up having to deal with far worse people who endup torturing L, H, and another character again. (L goes through whatH went through for the most part, poetically). It is also notablethat D offers to stop the isolation earlier but H tells him to fuckoff and leave him alone to handle it himself bc of how much beingaround other people upsets him during this time (during previouscycles, he has intentionally isolated himself for long moments oftime), and D does so up to a point when he can't follow through withthat anymore

Myability to answer this is hampered by the fact that a central themeis a pseudo-biological cycle that’s outside reality.

I’veleft this for quite some time because I’m honestly not sure how tobalance the fantasy elements with reality. In this case I think thefantasy elements are too big of an influence for me to really….knowwhat’s ‘realistic’ in this situation.

Allthe research I’m drawing from doesn’t have anything even close tothis pseudo-biological cycle.

So-I’m not sure how much I can do with this. You’ve constructed thecharacters in a way which means they don’t behave like normalpeople any more, they no longer have human brains.

Ican talk about the effects these techniques would ordinarily have andgive my opinion of the responses you’ve planned for the characters.But I’m going to have to completely ignore a central element of thestory to do so and….I’m not sure how helpful the answer is goingto be as a result.

Thetime frame you’ve got for isolation and starvation seems reasonableand wouldn’t be life threatening to most healthy people. It wouldleave the victim physically weakened and with a longer reaction time.He’d also be starting to show the psychological symptoms ofstarvation and solitary confinement which youcan read about here andhere respectively.

Ifthis system of neglect and isolation is routine in the setting thenthe character mighthavea good idea of what care should look like. But that doesn’t meanthat knowledge would be helpful or that he’d be able to apply it tohimself.

Hemight, for instance, be able to consciously recognise that much ofwhat he’s feeling is influenced by not having enough to eat. Hemight even be able to pinpoint particular feelings and behaviours asbeing caused by starvation. But that won’t make the feelings goaway.

Bothof these tortures are depriving someone of a thing they need tosurvive. Recognising the symptoms won’t fill that gap. I think thatthere would be a limited amount he could do for himself beyondacknowledge that these states are temporary and he could recoverlater.

Myown experience of mental health problems is that it’s perfectlypossible to know whysomething you feel is irrational or unhealthy and be unable todistance yourself from the feeling anyway. I think when the feelingswe’re talking about are physiological responses to very specificbodily needs (ie food and water) then it would be even harder toachieve that distance.

Ifhe was starved over a more prolonged period I think that effect wouldbe even more pronounced. As it is- well the time frame makes it lesslikely he’d be outright irrational, but irritable, aggressive,depressive, apathetic and suffering from mood swings- well thatsounds likely.

Ifyou’re writing the pseudo-biological cycle as a way ofstrengthening social bonds in a group (ie it generally makesindividuals closer whether they’re having sex or not) then I thinkit would make sense to show the symptoms of solitary confinementhitting the character harder. Because if the idea is the turn theprocesses that help us bond socially up to 11 then I think it wouldmake sense that depriving someone of those bonds would have a moreacute affect.

Inthe same way that depriving children of food has a more profoundeffect on them physiologically, stunting their growth andintelligence and possibly having epigenetic* effects that are passedon as far as their grandchildren.

Asfor the character’s responses. I think H’s response, these moodswings and aggressive pushing away of the abusive character, works.Both of these symptoms can be caused by starvation and solitaryconfinement and they tend to persist for a while after a starvingperson has enough to eat.

Invictims who are confined for longer periods it’s pretty common forthem to act aggressively towards other people when they appear. Partof that is the natural antagonism torture victims feel towards peoplethey blame for their suffering (a category that can encompass morethan torturers).

ButShalev suggests that it’s also to do with getting a responsehowever negative. People insolitary confinement quickly ‘learn’ that behaving well doesn’tget them the human contact they desperately need. Some people canrespond to that by behaving ‘badly’ instead, vandalising theircell/furniture, making a mess and insulting or attacking guards.Because they’re so desperate for human interaction that evennegative reactions and violence seem preferable to being ignored.

Whenit comes to writing relationships I try to stick to howrealistic/reasonable I think an interaction/progression is orsuggesting possible alternatives. I personally dislike the style ofwriting advice that tells people what they ‘must’ do.

Idon’t think there’s any one formulaic way to write anythingcorrectly. What’s right for your story and these characters will bedifferent to what’s right for other works. The effects torture hason survivors are highly individual and complex. So are therelationships that survivors have with other people. Ithink having that variety and nuance in fiction is important.

So-I’m not going to tell you how these relationships ‘should’ bewritten. What I’m going to do is unpack what I see you describingbehaviour wise and how realistic/reasonable I think that is. I’llalso talk a little bit about some of the options you have here.

Generally-you seem to be leaning in to the idea of H being particularlyantagonistic towards D. I think that makes sense, especially since Dis the character he has most contact with. Despite D’s intentionsto end the abuse it would make sense that H could see D as theprimary abuser.

The...individualsand circumstances traumatised people latch on to and come toassociate with abuse are not necessarily logical. Antagonism canextend far beyond the people directly responsible for abuse,encompassing a whole group of people with perceived similarities (ienationality, race, gender).

Survivorscan also latch on to the peoplethey see every day even if they know logically that these peoplearen’t wholly responsible for the situation. A guard who hands outreduced rations could easily be hated and blamed for a prison-widepolicy of starvation. The guard is responsible for going along withand enforcing the policy as an individual, but probably didn’tpersonally ensure it was implemented and wouldn’t be able to carryon enforcing it without wider organisational support.

SoI think the way you’re highlighting this antagonism on H’s partmakes sense.

Butthat does affect where H’s future relationship with D can go. It’sperfectly possible for H to reach a point where he can acceptlogically that D was doing the ‘best he could’ in an awfulsituation while stillfeeling extremely antagonistic towards D and finding positiveinteraction difficult/impossible.

Ifyou wanted to move their relationship beyond that I think it wouldtake a lot of time, patience and compassion. It would require H tohave a strong desire to get past this, which he may not necessarilyhave.

@scripttraumasurvivorshas written quite a few useful posts on tackling the relationshipbetween abusers and survivors if/when abusers ‘get better’.

Thetrauma H associates with D is unlikely to go away. That isn’t tosay that their relationship can’t get better than it currently is,but I think you need to think carefully about how good it couldreasonably be with all this baggage. It’s also important toconsider at every step whether the narrative is straying towardsexcusing D’s complicity in the abuse H suffers.

SinceH has been traumatised before and generally finds trust difficultthen I think this series of incidents (because you seem to bedescribing two counts of torture here, one at the hands of L and Dand another later on where L is also victimised) would hugely impacthis recovery. H is probably going to feel as if he’s steppedbackwards and ended up in the same place he was when he wasoriginally traumatised or somewhere worse. Any difficulty he hasrelating to other people or trusting them is likely to be magnified.

Hissymptoms (which ever ones you’ve picked for him) are going to getworse. He may acquire new symptoms, new expressions of old symptomsand new triggers. That will make dealing with his symptoms moredifficult because old coping strategies may no longer work.

Fromthe way you’ve characterised him so far I think he’d find it verydifficult to accept help from others and impossible to seek it out.It seems likely that he’d come out of these incidents furtherisolated.

Ifthere are characters that you think he’d feel safe around and beable to accept help from it’s likely he’d still struggle withbasic social interaction. You’re describing a pattern of moodswings and aggression that- well basically a lot of people finddifficult to deal with and patterns of behaviour like that can bevery difficult for survivors to recognise and break. Especially inthe immediate and short term aftermath of a traumatising event.

Ifeel like I have less of a clear idea of L than I do of H and D.You’ve described both H and D in so detail and their interactions,whereas L seems to have been mostly characterised by sticking rigidlyto this idea that torture is an essential response to treachery.

Lseems to be responding to the situation involving H with a mindsetthat seems very typical of a torturer. D isn’t. To me that seems toimply that L has been torturing for longer and could therefore havemore symptoms than D at the outset.

Aswith H another traumatic event (being tortured later) is only goingto worsen those symptoms. It’s likely L would gain new symptoms.

Forboth H and L post traumatic stress disorder is more likely becausethey’ve both been traumatised multiple times.

Ithink depending on the symptoms you pick and the amount that H hascontact with L while being abused by L and D- you could potentiallywrite them with a more positive relationship than H and D. It’sstill likely to be incredibly complicated and not necessarilyhealthy.

Ithink the deciding factors are likely to be how much H blames L forbeing tortured and how much he sympathises with L when both of themare being tortured. No contact when L is responsible for H’s abuseand a lot of contact when they’re both being abused by someone elsecould result in a more ‘positive’ outlook from H’s side. It’sstill not likely to be hugely positive though.

FromL’s side a lot is going to depend on how much they cling on to theidea of H as a traitor who ‘deserves’ punishment. From what yououtlined I think you could reasonably write L lashing out towards Hwhile both of them are being tortured. If L sees H’s actions asabsolutely inexcusable then torture is not going to change that viewpoint and make L suddenly more sympathetic to H’s plight. They mayeven respond with a knee-jerk ‘well you deserved it but I don’t’sort of response.

Whichis unlikely to result in positive interaction.

Combiningall of these complicated layers of antagonism, symptoms and responseswith the pseudo-biological cycle in your story could result in somevery interesting relationships. From your outline it sounds as ifyou’ve got a group of characters who are all likely to have somesort of severe mental health problem and are largely antagonistictowards each other. But at the same time their ‘bond’ could bedriving them to stay close to each other, seek out each other’scompany and perhaps even attempt to protect each other.

Tome that sounds like a very interesting set of internal conflicts evenif it is pretty far from reality.

Italso seems like a reasonable way of blending fantasy and realitywithout falling into torture apologia. The unrealistic elements arevery clearly tied to the fantasy biology.

Overall,I think this has the potential to be really good. A lot is going todepend on the execution and how you balance the different elements inthe story. The emotional elements across the different characterscould be especially challenging. Sticking to one first personnarrative point view might limit your ability to explore theemotional conflict you’ve set up in the other characters. Multiplepoints of view or a third person overarching narration may be aneasier approach.

Ihope that helps. :)

*Epigeneticsare a sort of rewritable code on top of DNA. They’re instructionsto the body to turn certain genes on or off, expressing them inparticular places to different degrees. The body rewrites them inresponse to environmental stimulus. Some of them seem to be heritableand in rats certain diets during pregnancy have been shown to change epigeneticmarkers in mothers vs their children (ie both have a particular gene but itis expressed in the parent and ‘off’ in the offspring).

Disclaimer

[just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms]

Personal Rant Below

You know what one of the worst parts of emotional and psychological abuse is? 

You don’t see it coming

It’s not a punch, slap, or kick. It’s just words. That slowly cut away at you and create patterns in your head that are so fucked up it’s unreal.

My mother told me that my dad was a narcissist and that’s why he did the divorce so publicly blah blah blah

She was the victim so of course I believed her

FALSE SHE’S THE MOTHER FUCKING NARCISSIST

Every goddamned thing comes back to her. She called him a narcissist so that she can use that limelight to always talk about herself.

She wants me to pick things up like nothing ever happened. 

She said that I’m just misunderstanding everything that happened. 

She denied my anxiety even though she apparently noticed it when I was 2-3 years old

She told me I was fat, lazy, unmotivated, and stupid. She’d quiz me and make me feel like shit because I couldn’t do math at the drop of a hat. She’d sit there and pick my body and outfit apart, and then pick her own body apart. So I was groomed to sit there and build her up and ignore the fact that she just destroyed me. 

Whenever I think of seeing her, I border on an anxiety attack, I want to run and hide, I get this blind rage, and I binge eat like you can’t imagine. 

Then I get in front of her. She hugs me and her touch alone makes me cold and apathetic. She’s just this woman. Nothing else. 

We all start talking and I realize I can’t stop talking because I’m trying to prove myself so badly to her but also if I let her talk I will get destroyed. 

She is the master of undermining everything you are. Her looks alone say everything and she makes sure you know what she’s thinking. 

She refused to speak up. She refused to fight for me. 

I’m literally terrified for my wedding day and dress fittings leading up because she’s going to make her comments. The ones I’m trained to listen for and recognize. She’ll say one thing about my hair, dress, jewelry, anything. And IMMEDIATELY I’ll be trying to back pedal myself so hard to try and justify myself and then do what she wants because despite ALL of this....I WANT MY MOM TO BE PROUD OF ME

But the worst part? I DON’T HAVE A MOM! I have my mother-in-law. I have my “older sisters” @atc74 and @paintrider13-blog and their mama love. 

But the woman who birthed me? She’s a manipulative, cold, unrelenting, horrendous person. 

I told her she abused me. She said “I don’t see it that way.” And the FIRST thing to come to my mind was “what have you done? how could you have accused your own mother of that?” 

She recently said that her “heart is heavy” for me. IT’S FUCKING HEAVY BECAUSE A GODDAMNED BITCH LIKE YOU DIDN’T THINK TWO STEPS AHEAD AND SAY MAYBE I SHOULDN’T DESTROY MY DAUGHTER JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT HAPPY

I AM NOT YOUR THERAPY DOLL

I AM YOUR FUCKING CHILD. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY MOM!

But then I have to remember. She’s not my mother. A mother wouldn’t treat a child that way. She’s just the cold manipulative bitch that birthed me. 

She destroyed my life up until about a year or so ago when I finally realized that I don’t deserved to be continuously abused and neglected for the rest of my life and assume that she’s doing it all out of love because that’s what she says it is.

FUCK EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

FUCK HAVING TO RE-LEARN WHAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER NEVER GAVE YOU ANY

 My fiance has literally broken down crying because he’s finally realized that I truthfully and genuinely do not know what unconditional love feels like

I genuinely and truthfully don’t. Every time I feel like I’m getting out of line or two bitchy I tell him he can yell at me. I tell him that we can fight. I tell him that it’s fine if he doesn’t like everything about me. I tell him it’s okay to not like parts of me and tell me what they are so I can hide or fix them.

WHY’S THAT? LETS GO ASK MY SHIT MOTHER SHALL WE?!

There is absolutely no reason that my fiance crying with me when I’m 23 years old should be the first time I actually semi understand what it’s like to be loved completely unconditionally 

FUCK. MY. MOTHER. FUCK. ALL. THIS. BULLSHIT. FUCK. HER.

She made me contemplate ditching everything and running because I’d fucked it all up and I wasn’t what anyone deserved. 

Fuck her for making the fleeting thought of “maybe things would be better without me” and “if I was dead no one would come looking for me to hurt me” come to my mind many times since I was as early as 13 years old

FUCK THAT SHIT

I can’t wait to see her realize that I won’t trust her with my kids. She’s not allowed to be alone with them for more that set amounts of time. I don’t trust that she won’t treat them the same way she treated me.  

I’m going to show them so much unconditional love they won’t settle for anything less

She can fuck off. She can be out. I’m so fucking done with all this bullshit. 

[belindasnyder97]

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How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back From A Rebound Relationship

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Don't let your ex does not need to use to find a few.This is sometimes frustrating but eventually will be ready to make the situation on ground anyway, it is possible to focus on yourself so you must never do:Most importantly, live up to your ex, thinking you're just lying to each other.She finds this very moment want to know who you are in this digital world and life surprisingly goes on.The emotions that should spring out from both parties the opportunity of subtly influencing some of the partners has to regroup, and carefully think things over.

How To Make My Ex Wife Want Me Back

[sulietsexual]

You did a similar thing with Charmed, so what would you say is the most traumatic thing each of the scoobies went through? (Within btvs universe)

Okay, so I’mjust going to go with the Core Four Scoobies (Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander)otherwise we’ll be here forever, given the rotation of characters on Buffy. So,here we go.

Buffy

So, for me,Buffy’s biggest trauma is somewhat complicated, because what I believe to her biggest trauma and whatthe show presents as her biggesttrauma are completely different. So I’m going to list both, and explain myreasoning behind both.

Narrativelyand within the context of the show and the character and the way the seriestook her characterisation, I would list Buffy’s resurrection as her biggesttrauma. While Buffy undergoes numerous traumas over the series and we have seenher previously suffer PTSD in the Season 2 opener When She Was Bad, herresurrection at the beginning of Season 6 seems to have traumatised her onseveral deeper levels, and it  takes hernearly the entire season to recover from the after-effects.

Not only isBuffy’s trauma linked to being violently pulled out of Heaven, she is furthertraumatised by the fact that she is resurrected in her own grave, effectivelyexperiencing what it is like to be buried alive which, thanks to the Season 1episode Nightmares, we know is one of Buffy’s biggest fears. The entireexperience, coupled with the depression she was already suffering from Season 5, combines to cause so much trauma to Buffy that she literally shuts down andcloses off from human emotions in order to cope.

That beingsaid, I personally believe that thebiggest trauma Buffy suffers is the abuse Spike puts her through. She spends allof Season 6 being victimised by Spike, emotionally and sexually. What we watchunfold over Season 6 is a classic example of an abusive relationship, and whileBuffy is trained/used to dealing with supernatural threats and living inconstant danger, she is not used to apartner who emotionally manipulates and abuses her, pushes her sexualboundaries, sexually assaults her and then attempts to rape her. Buffy might bethe Slayer but she is also human, and abusive relationships have devastating effects on the victims,often leaving them with trauma and PTSD for years afterwards.

Of coursethe show completely ignores this in favour of having Buffy prop up, coddle andcomfort her abuser, and so the trauma and PTSD she would definitely have suffered as a result of the relationship is neitheracknowledged or explored.

Giles

I would saythat Giles’ biggest trauma was losing Jenny and being the one to find her body,especially considering the manner in which he found her body.

As aWatcher, Giles is somewhat used to death and he mentions that he has lostpeople before, but Jenny seems to be the first death of someone truly close tohim, someone he loved. And while he does lose Buffy down the track, as aWatcher, he was always prepared for the day when he would lose his Slayer.Jenny’s death, however, came completely out of the blue and just as he was acknowledging hisfeelings for her again and moving towards a reconciliation, so the trauma andpain of her death cuts through him sharper and deeper than any other loss he’shad, up till that point and after.

As I pointedout, there’s also the way in whichGiles discovered Jenny’s body, which would definitely have added to his overalltrauma, as Angelus set everything up to provide maximum horror and trauma, withthe implied romantic evening, candles, roses, all leading to Giles findingJenny’s corpse in his bed, her eyes wide and dead and seemingly looking at him,a final message that he couldn’t save her. Giles’ breakdown after her death andthe way in which he recklessly goes after Angelus really shows how deep thetrauma went, as Giles is usually quite adept at keeping his emotions in check.The visceral reaction to Jenny’s death has me convinced that it was and remainsGiles’ greatest trauma.

Willow

I think theentire fandom can agree that Willow’s greatest trauma was Tara’s violent andabrupt death. As with Giles, losing a partner in such an unexpected andgruesome manner severely impacts Willow, and her subsequent rage and griefdrive her magical roaring rampage of revenge.

It’s nothard to pin down why this death traumatised Willow so much, as we know frompast experience that Willow does not handle grief or people leaving her well.When Oz cheated on her, her reaction was to cast a vengeance spell, and when heleft for good, her grief caused her to spiral so badly that she lost control ofher magic and power and put her friends in danger. So it’s no wonder thatlosing Tara in such a violent way – and actually having Tara die in her arms –had such a deep and traumatic effect on her, and given Willow’s previouscharacterisation and unhealthy coping mechanisms, it’s easy to understand whyshe went off the deep end following Tara’s untimely demise. I wish Season 7 hadexplored this grief and trauma better, instead of hurriedly shoving her into anew relationship, as the show never really allowed her to grieve properly forTara, nor work through the trauma that was so clearly still with her.

Xander

As withBuffy, I believe Xander has two traumas that vie for top billing, and evenworse than with Buffy, the show tends to gloss over both in favour of keeping Xander as the comic relief character, asopposed to trying to explore the effects of these traumas.

The firstone is somewhat of an ongoing trauma in Xander’s life, and that is his abusivehome life. Xander’s home situation and the abuse and neglect he suffers throughis alluded to numerous times throughout the show and many hints indicate that the abuse is not only emotional butphysical too, with the episode Restless all but confirming this. This ongoing abusehas an extremely detrimental effect on Xander and we clearly see this in hisday-to-day behaviour, his attitude towards women and his fears in the laterseasons of becoming an abuser, just like his father. A childhood filled withthis kind of emotional and physical abuse would have and very obviously didhave a deep and lasting impact on Xander.

The secondtrauma, and this is the one that the show completely ignores, is losing hisbest friend in such an abrupt and violent way, and being given no grieving timebefore he is instructed to kill Jesse if he gets the chance. I have spoken numerous times about the effect thistrauma had on Xander and how it is clearly shown in his attitude towardsvampires and his reaction to the Angelus period. Without re-hashing old points,Jesse’s death was traumatic enough to Xander that he was never able toreconcile Buffy allowing not one, but twovampires to survive and thrive next to the Scoobies, and he never fullylets go of his distrust towards the undead.

[pxrxllel]

Talking to the Moon LXII (02/12/17)

Warning: LONG post incoming. Trigger warning for abuse.

I’ve recently come to an extremely harrowing realisation that I could very well have spent my entire life as a victim of mild emotional/psychological abuse. Before I dive into the explanation and the evidence and the aftermath and all that jazz, I’d like to firstly make a disclaimer. 

I’m not writing this post to garner pity or put the blame on anyone else or shift the responsibility of the things that happen in my life. I’m simply exploring this theory as a way to put a name to my experiences because doing that allows me to deal with it in the right ways. It’s like how you can’t treat a disease without knowing what it actually is, because all you do is treat the symptoms and that’s never enough. So I’m not crying woe is me my life is shit and everyone treats me badly because that isn’t the point of this at all. I’m just trying to be as honest as I can, based on my perception of reality, which I’m not sure is all that accurate if I have been in a bubble of abuse all my life.

Anyway, back to the real issue. 

I’ve always found it difficult to navigate relationships in a healthy way. Every other area of my life is set: I’m not financially anxious, I do well in school, I perform at work, yada yada. The only persistent and major source of anxiety that has always been present in my life is my relationships. This has ranged from my family relationships to my friendships and to my romantic relationships. Each one of these has been a point of tension at some point in my life.

When I was younger, my sister and I were deliberately physically and verbally abusive towards each other - we stopped this behaviour as we got older. My parents have always been emotionally and psychologically abusive to me, although I’m not entirely sure that’s intentional on their part - I’m going to discuss this further down. I have been emotionally abusive to my friends and in my relationships. I have always found it difficult to make friends and connect on an emotional level, and when I got older, this translated into social anxiety. I have cycled through bouts of depression ever since I was 14. I have extremely low self-esteem, and no one believes when I say this because I’m apparently very good at keeping up the image of confidence, but I wholeheartedly see myself as a blemish on the face of the earth. I have been through five relationships in five years, and some of them have been sexually and emotionally abusive. 

Those are the symptoms, if you will. Some of them are facts and some of them are claims. Like I said, the claims are only valid as far as my own perspective goes, because other people may disagree with some of them, especially when it comes to intentionality. 

I’m going to provide a definition of emotional/psychological abuse:  Emotional abuse is an attempt to control. The perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice. Common signs include: criticisms and unfair judgement, mean jokes, shame and guilt on the victim’s part, threats, causing self-doubt/gaslighting, refusing to acknowledge the hurt, financial abuse, undermining and dismissal. All in all, any attempt to control someone else by reducing their self-worth. 

For the purposes of my explanation, I’m going to stick to two sections: my family (specifically parents) and my relationships. 

Family

In my family, there is my father, mother, and my younger sister (we are nearly three years apart). I grew up mostly with my mother and my sister. My father is constantly working overseas, but he visits for about three months total out of the year. It’s been like this as long as I can remember, and I remember as a child, I used to be pretty sad when he left, so we must have had some good times together although I don’t remember much. It seems that as I got older, I began to realise that the relationship between me and my father was far from what I had wanted it to be, and this has been a source of anxiety for me for a very long time, probably around the past ten years. 

Before I dive into this too deep, I should probably detail the family history that may be relevant. My father and his mother have a dysfunctional relationship; they can’t really communicate without fighting. They’re always stepping on each other’s toes. I have not seen his mother in years because my father has isolated us from his family and our cousins.

My mother and my father don’t have what I’d call an ideal relationship either. They don’t really fight, but my father is definitely controlling over her. She doesn’t have a source of income so he has a financial monopoly. He belittles her and calls her names (it makes me sick to hear) and he refuses to help her out. For example, this morning she asked him to take two minutes to wash the dishes, and he replied that he didn’t have time because he needed to be online so he could win an auction on Facebook (this is so immature of him and it happens constantly, it’s ridiculous). He expects her to be at his beck and call, when he’s away he always calls and if she’s busy in the garden or cooking he expects her to drop what she’s doing because she’s not supposed to have a life outside of him and us anyway. He criticises what she spends money on, when he never gets criticised for his frivolous purchases. I could go on, but it’s really saddening that my mother just lets herself be pushed around like this. Sometimes I lose my cool at him and my mother tries to placate me but I stand my ground, even though she says he’s got good intentions deep down and has sacrificed so much for us. I’m not sure where his intentions are at all, especially considering his dysfunctional family, so I can’t say if he’s actually bad or deliberately abusive. 

Anyway, as a result of what I’ve seen and how he’s made me feel throughout my life, I try to keep this relationship as distant as possible so it’s healthy for me. That comes with its own set of challenges, but I’ll get to that later. I’m just going to go into a couple of examples that show why I believe he is emotionally abusive (or at least I have felt abused/neglected) towards me.

He likes to make my decisions for me. He criticises me when he disapproves of my choices. I remember when we were deciding what I would study at university, we were looking through the prospectus and I dog-eared quite a few majors and he flipped through and removed the bookmarks of all the ones he didn’t approve of and said I wasn’t allowed to do those. When I was deciding which school to do my exchange at, he did the same thing. He was very passive aggressive for days when I chose San Diego over Berkeley or UCLA. He’s just passive aggressive and sulky in general when things don’t go his way. I’m afraid that he’ll be this way about all my big future life decisions, like moving for jobs and going to grad school.

He objectifies me. This may be in part due to his cultural upbringing, though. My parents grew up in Asia and I grew up in a Western culture, so that conflict has been a source of tension for me at times as well. Ever since I was little, he would talk about me marrying into a good family and learning how to be a good wife. He points out when I’m wearing makeup or revealing clothing and interrogates me about who I’m trying to impress. He shows his colleagues and peers pictures of me and gloats about how ‘good-looking’ I am and basks in the compliments they give me. All of this makes me very uncomfortable. Whenever I try to say something or do something that highlights how I’m more than just a face or a body, he shuts me down and belittles me, “Oh you actually study? I thought all you do was talk to boys. You’re cooking? That’s a good quality, men will like that.” It’s disgusting. Both my parents tell me I need to lose weight and have too much acne. They’re constantly looking at my face to watch for progress in the same way that a scientist would scrutinise bacteria under a microscope. It makes me want to vomit. 

He constantly tries to make me feel guilty. Filial piety and respecting your parents’ authority is a really big deal in Asian cultures. So he constantly makes a big deal when he doesn’t get any attention or if he feels like I’m not ‘respecting’ him enough. He firstly starts talking in a baby voice and whining about it like a kid before he gets to the angry stage in which he may explode and yell, or he gets passive aggressive and seethes silently. This comes up in conversations usually about our family, or about what’s going to happen in the future when my parents retire and start getting sick and old. I get the impression that he expects me to give up my goals just to look after them, just like how they (moreso my mother) did in a way. That’s not going to happen, so... Tension alert.

Something that both my parents don’t like for some reason is when I socialise or go out with my friends. They roll their eyes and say, “You’re going out again? You’re always going out. You never spend any time with us.” My father will grovel for days about me not paying them any attention, I’m pretty sure it’s an attempt to make me feel guilty. 

They’re both also very oblivious to my mental health issues and are in complete denial. I have alluded to being depressed before and all I have received is judgement. “You are so lucky and you have everything you need and you are so much more privileged than we were at your age, there is nothing to be depressed about. If anything, I should be depressed... blah blah.” 

That’s pretty much all I have to say about the issues in my family relationships. There are other little things, such as how my sister ignores me in public, but they don’t hold too much weight in the grand scheme. 

I’m just going to quickly take a moment to talk about the effects of these family relationships on me. They’re very stressful and I feel isolated because I can’t talk to anyone about anything that troubles me. I’m expected to sit in my place and behave, basically. The concept of saving face is also paramount to Asian culture, so I’m not allowed to be myself because that’s embarrassing to them. All in all, it’s suffocating and toxic, regardless of whether they are doing it intentionally. Of course, you always hope for the best in people and I doubt they really are doing it deliberately, but either way it’s not a good environment and I’m not sure how to handle it. 

Relationships

As a result of having felt alone and neglected and criticised all my life, it’s contributed to my lack of self-esteem. I know I have difficulty with self-validation, but I’m not sure if I’m necessarily more clingy and need more attention than the average girlfriend - but it wouldn’t be a stretch to say I guess. I can say beyond reasonable doubt that I’m more insecure and have lower self-esteem than average, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to begging for validation. This is also probably why I stay in relationships that aren’t good for me.

So I’m twenty years old and have had five relationships of varying lengths. The longest was nearly two years and the shortest was two months. I’ve had about a month’s break in between each of them. All of them have been good people with good intentions, but I’m not sure why some of them have been so toxic. 

Looking at this through the lens of abuse, the first one to get out of the way was the sexual abuse one. I was never raped or anything like that, but he pushed my boundaries constantly and asked me to do things I didn’t want to do after I repeatedly said so. This, I can be pretty sure, constitutes sexual abuse loud and clear. I left that one pretty quickly, only to run into a different relationship that was better in all the ways, and I think that one was the healthiest (for the most part). 

I’m not going to specify, but I have been insulted and have had it dismissed as me being too sensitive or not being able to take a joke - which sucks because I’d like to think I’m good-humoured. I have been made to feel bad about things I didn’t mean to do. I have been told my feelings aren’t valid and shouldn’t be taken seriously. I have been threatened emotionally: “You will make me feel bad if you do x or y”. I have been made fun of. I have been objectified. I have had past mistakes brought up later as ammunition that I thought was resolved. I have had people try to tell they know me better than I know myself. I have been left hanging. 

In general, my relationships have been much more positive than negative, but for the purposes of identifying where these issues come from, it’s important for me to highlight the effects that abuse and neglect have had on me as a person and how that’s affected other contexts such as relationships. I know that I deserve better, but I don’t really know what that looks like, to be honest. I just know that if I allow myself to keep falling into these traps, it’s likely that I’ll never be happy and healthy in a relationship, so this is one of the things that I need to focus on. I know that I’m also guilty of unhealthy behaviours in my friendships and relationships, and I’m very good at being emotionally manipulative, but I think this probably stems from these underlying issues that have permeated my life for as long as I remember. 

I could be completely talking out of my ass and catastrophising the situation as depression is wont to do, but this is something that if it’s true, is going to have a very deep impact on my quality of life. This is definitely something that I should probably talk about in therapy, but I’m just laying out all my thoughts here to make sense of them. 

[thesedamnthoughtsofmine]

DIary post

ALright, so this is going to be really all over the place, but I need to organize my thoughts right now. So, I have come to the realization that I was emotionally abusive in my past, specifically in my relationship with Mitchell.

I am reading articles on it and I’m starting to get back into my back and forth thinking cycles about the rape thing and emotional abuse that he did to me. So all in all, rape and sexual assault should not be tolerated or forgiven. I have stood by that forever. But when I get into my head about the situation, I try to look at all perspectives and I see that I don’t think or believe that Mitchell raped me with the intent to hurt me or do any damage. I think he was only looking at the rewards and the instant gratification. I don’t think he thought about the consequences until afterwards. Like I know that he made the decision to take off the condom without telling me. From his side, I believe deep down that he truly didn’t mean to cause harm. But the thing is, it still caused harm and trauma for me after I was told. So, i’m in the position of being really hurt by this incident, but then looking at all perspectives and thinking that he didn’t mean to cause any harm, it just happened that way. But then I get upset because that makes it sound like I’m excusing his actions. But i’m not. I’m not trying to downplay what he did at all because I think it is extremely disgusting what he did to me. But then I go back in my head and tell myself that it was not his intention to make me hurt as badly as I did and still do. 

So with that said, I don’t know what to think or come to the conclusion to because everything is very grey. I just still feel very uneasy about the situation. I still feel stuck. I feel like I can’t move on comfortably like I would like to.

And when I was just browsing the internet about emotional abuse to try to find support from what I went through in that relationship, I actually read and digested everything on the sites and started crying. I realized that I have done quite a few of the things on lists towards him and I gave me time to read and reflect and I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt so ashamed. I think when I read lists like this last year, I always realized that I had done some of these things, but I never spent a lot of time on them because I went back to what he did to me. I never spent time to think about the emotional abuse that I did to him. I think it’s because it’s such a hard thing to admit. It’s so hard to admit that you caused lots of pain in someone else’s life. I also read something in an article saying that it’s really hard to accept that you have abused someone when they have abused you is because you look at it in black and white where someone is the abuser and the other person is the victim, when in reality, it’s much more grey. Most of the time, the abuser is also being abused and the abused could also be an abuser. That opened up my eyes to realize that that relationship was extremely toxic (which I already knew) because of both of us being emotional abusive to one another, plus the sexual abuse from him. I want to list the emotionally abusive things that I have done in that relationship specifically. 

1. coercive behaviors (I would do attention seeking things, mostly make up problems that don’t exist, to try to get his attention. And when I say make up, I mean that at the time, I thought they were real problems, but an hour later, I realized that I blew something out of proportion just to get attention. Which never worked anyways.)

2. I think I tried to isolate him in certain ways (I wanted him to spend an equal amount of time with all of his partners, which he did not. I was always the one left out and he always could find time with the other girls, but not me. So I got upset about that a lot of times)

3. overly communicative through social media. (I would get upset if he didn’t respond immediately and I would blow up his phone on a regular basis)

4. I didn’t respect all of his boundaries- mostly about his alone time (but then on the other hand, he isolated himself from me a lot and ignored me on multiple occasions)

5. I made him feel like he had to walk on eggshells (I am very emotional and got upset pretty easily. But most of the time, I did have a reason to be upset. I was reassured by my friends that I was not being overly emotional most of the time.)

6. deny emotionally abusive behavior when confronted (I literally had no idea that what i was doing was emotionally abusive until like 5 minutes ago, so I am sorry).

Those are the things that I believe I have done in the relationship and I feel very guilty about those things. I don’t believe the above things should be in a healthy relationship. Obviously, it was not healthy. I also want to list the emotionally abusive things that Mitchell did in the relationship.

1. Gaslighting was the main thing for sure. It’s been a year not being with him and I still feel like i’m crazy or what he did to me was all my fault.

2. disregarding my opinions (I told him my boundaries in the relationship and he repeatedly told me that they did not matter and he was going to continue to do as he pleases)

3. Disrespected my boundaries

4. Rejection (he chose not to hang out with me based on my mood. If I was having a rough time that day, he would ignore me or flake on me last minute to hang out with his other girlfriend.)

5. Victim Blaming (he blamed me for him raping me. He said that he did it to please me)

6. Emotional withholding (he would ignore me a lot. He would withhold communicating a lot of things to me that is important in a relationship, as well as give me silent treatments, and withhold intimacy)

7. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs. (he was poly, so boundaries are important as to waht counts as cheating and what doesn’t. Once I told him what he did was cheating, he told me that I wasn’t letting him be his true self and I was holding him back to who he truly was. This was after he made out with someone without talking to me or any of his other partners about it. all of his partners told him that it was cheating.)

8. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks. (He always blamed whatever I was feeling with my mental Illness. If I was upset at him, he told me that it was my mental illness and he did nothing wrong. So I started second guessing everything I thought about him and how he treated me. I started thinking that I should let him treat me like garbage because i’m just overexagerating.)

9. They try to control you and treat you like a child. (He talked down to me a lot. I felt like a dog. I brought this up to him and he told me, basically bragged, about how much smarter he is and he can’t help it if he talks like that.)

10. They correct or chastise you for your behavior. (see above reason)

11. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.  

12. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.  (gaslighting- he always told me that it was my anxiety, or it was all in my head. I was overexagerating everything I was feeling when he treated me wrong. So, I felt like my feelings were always invalid. I just trusted what I was told.)  

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true. (basically read everything above.But, I eventually believed what he said was all true and I was just crazy)

14. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect. (My feelings were never accounted for. He always said that what I do doesn’t affect your feelings. For a part of that, I do believe that people are not responsible for other people’s emotions, but at the same time, he literally did not care how his actions or words affected me ever. There’s a difference between knowing where the line is and having no space to care about how you affect anyone at all, ever.)

15. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing. (When I reported him for rape to my university, he blamed it on his mental illness, specifically ADHD and bipolar. But that’s only one of the instances.)

16. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests. (See above for the general idea of him not respecting my boundaries. I also told him that I don’t want to hear about anything sexual with your other partners and I don’t want to hear about your other partner’s personal lives, but I ended up seeing a nude picture of one, knowing very personal stories about each of them, and also realizing that they know almost every personal detail about me as well, even though I told him that I don’t want my information going to any of his partners.)

17.They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.  (withdraw all the time)

 18. They don’t show you empathy or compassion. (he very rarely cared about my feelings. He did not compromise to help. Compromise is needed in a relationship)

19. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility. (He blamed him raping me on his mental illness, etc)

20. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you. (Again, he stopped talking to me if I was in a bad mood. Very rarely would he talk to me on bad moments. He also stranded me at the hospital once after he called the cops on me)

21. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings. (already covered this)

With all that said, I know that I was completely unaware of the fact that i was being emotional abusive to him. I am not sure if he was aware he was being emotional abusive towards me. I have confronted him in the past about a few of the things in the list and he always said that he never meant to do certain things, but most of the things on the list, I have not confronted him with, so I’m not sure if he actually knows or realizes that he does some of those things. It’s not really conclusive if he was emotionally abusive on purpose, because I know I surely was not. I never meant to act that way or do those things above and it breaks my heart. I know that he has hurt me in so many ways, but I still don’t believe that he deserved what I did to him. No one deserves to hurt in these ways. I’m not really sure on how to move past this. I think writing this was the first step. I think I need to get back into counseling this fall. I won’t be able to go to counseling all year, but I will be able to go until decemeber, which is better than nothing. 

Even with coming to terms with some of this, it still never excuses anything. It will never excuse my behavior and it will never excuse his behavior. What we both did in the relationship was not okay. We had good times, along with the bad. Neither erase the other and neither condone the other. I just think that this is a lot of grey area and i’m not used to dealing or coping with grey area. I’ve lived with black and white thinking my entire life and now I have to learn to come to terms with things that aren’t as easy as definitive answers and conclusions. Life is messy and not everything fits in nice little boxes.